#I have been insanely unmotivated the past few days

[blackkatdraws2]

Mariella [Achromatic Loop / Blank Scripts AU]

[barrenwomb]

hii martina ive been feeling very emotionally out of touch these past few weeks how about you?

hiiii babe i'm doing good :) just a bit (a lot) overworked and overwhelmed by the insane amount of things i get to do in a single day and oh, also sometimes i struggle to keep up with all my relationships lol i'm grieving people who are still in my life because i don't have enough time for all of them and it very often feels like a loss. working hard to make sure i always have enough room in my life for all my loved ones, though! when i feel emotional dysregulated i simply let myself feel all The Big Emotions and call it a day. i'm alone for a few hours and suddenly everyone hates me (false. i just need to take a hot shower and eat a full meal). i've spent literal years feeling out of touch with my emotions until it became a habit. it's very unpleasant. feeling anxious and restless and sad for apparently no reason while also feeling apathetic and unmotivated. you probably need a good cry session and to complain about everything and everyone for around two hours with a friend. sending u a big hug xo

[laurensinclairsfleabagera]

hypothyroidism headcanons because I have it and I say so. I am medicated, but still tired and cold all of the fucking time

MINORI HANASATO FROM PJSK !!!!!!!

This is so important to me idc that I’m not hyperfixated on project sekai anymore. the kicker. She’s undiagnosed and doesn’t get the diagnosis until 17. so like. Id imagine the girls prompt her to get looked at for so long because she keeps complaining it’s cold even in the middle of fucking July or something, and even though she’s active as fuck, like being in an idol group and all, she’s still midsize.!! girl struggles to lose weight, at one point calls herself lazy or something when a fan points out her chub compared to the others, and she’s like :(((. haruka goes fucking insane at a fan over this. like she’s all like “SHUT UP. She’s trying her absolute hardest and I am ashamed you’re a fan of us.” ok so eventually this blows up and she talks about how even though she went to bed early and got 9 hours sleep, she’s still tired and falls asleep in class a lot. she also feels depressed and unmotivated and the girls are like. No we are dragging you to the doctors smth is not right here so when she goes up on the rooftop for “practice”, it turns out they’re doing the “no bullshit no disagreements” thing, her mum is on the rooftop because they told her everything that Minori didn’t because she didn’t wanna burden her mum,,, fast forward a few weeks, blood test results come back, she goes back to the doctors and gets diagnosed with hypothyroidism!!! The aftermath is haruka bringing blankets to practice so Minori can get warm after :,))

PHOENIX WRIGHT FROM ACE ATTORNEY.

There’s no canon evidence to support this one, I just kin him and I say so; so he has congenital hypothyroidism (he was born with it, like me) and he’s been on meds since like childhood, still a lil chubby (also me) so he’s “coping” ig. He’s still wearing multiple layers in the absolutely sunny japanifornia weather and complaining abt being cold and has multiple blankets in his office while he does case paperwork or whatever,,,, and past 18 he can afford to get them but shit doesn’t hit the fan until the seven year gap where he doesn’t have the insurance and it’s too expensive ,,, so his depression gets BAAAAAD and he’s falling asleep literally everywhere and he’s on like 12 cups of coffee a day and trucy and Apollo literally have to wake him up. Off of meds, his body health is not thriving, his heartbeat is doin zoomies and he only asks sugar daddy edgeworth for help when he has a whole ass seizure and the moment he finds out phoenix nearly fucking died he runs to the pharmacist and gets him a 6 month prescription of lethoroxyne and he stays with him for a month while he adjusts again. and he is now a midsize king with a dad bod.

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

I’m going through a rough time atm and I was wondering if you’re okay if I request some characters with a s/o who is just tired a lot, can’t concentrate and don’t really have energy to do stuff.

I wish I knew what characters were your comfort characters, so I could make this even better for you! I hope you feel better and the little quick drabbles help you a bit. I went with my 3 most requested, as they tend to be more often than not comfort characters. I hope that’s alright with you! Feel free to drop another request for a character that I didn’t include here.

For hard times |Dazai, Chuuya, Atsushi x Reader|

Warnings: implied depression, symptoms of depression.

Genre: comfort-

Total words- 1504

Dazai:

417 words

From the start of this, he had suspicions you were feeling a little down. Watching you sit alone and look less cheery with the passing hours, days, maybe it had been a few weeks. He wanted to make you feel better, but he didn’t know how to. He was after all in your position most of the time. Unmotivated and too tired to do anything, let alone want to move about. He wanted to know what was pushing your mood down. This need grew stronger the longer he watched your tired expression. There was nothing this man wanted more than to make you feel better. Even if he didn’t understand what it was, that was pulling you under.

With careful steps, he walked over to you with a soft blanket, woven with soft strands of silky yarn. He set it over your shoulders, wrapping it around you. Watching your half-lidded eyes look over to him from the unexpected gesture he simply shook his head. Pressing his hand to your cheek, he softly smiled. The slight lift to his lips was only ever revealed to you. This kind, gentle, serious expression was his vulnerability. He hoped you would open up your woes to him. Let you rant and pour whatever feelings were bottling up and slowly dragging you down. He didn’t care what it was, a co-worker, a friend, a relationship of some kind, an ex, your family life, he just needed to help you. So as he watched you with honest worry, he pulled you close, so your head rested on his chest. “When you're ready, I’ll be here for you to drop your pain.” His voice was softer, lacking his signature playful teasing. There was nothing but an oddly comforting smoothness to his voice. Low and slightly choked as he held you. He was unsure if this little reassurance; this little contact comforted you. 

He’d hold you until you could no longer cry, or until you were peacefully asleep. Even then, he’d keep your body close to his. If he were to fall asleep, he would not let you go. He would never let you go, not until you felt safe and slightly better. Even if it was only half a percent of a change, he would be happy to have helped your mood lift. He’s never going to push you to tell him what’s bothering you. He won’t ask you to do anything you don’t want to. Well, except eat, he can’t have you starving. 

Chuuya:

474 words

He’d be too caught up with work to notice it immediately, the changes in your mood and behavior. That doesn't mean he never does though. Out of everybody in the mafia, you were the most important to him. He was willing to take any risk to keep you safe. If he finds out because you don’t show up and refuse to drag yourself from bed, he shakes his head, refuse wouldn’t be the right word here. It’s more like he understands you can’t. Something is crushing you like a weight, and he becomes determined to fix that issue. He hardly ever talks softly, but around your tired, nearly life-less form he’s soft. His steps aren't loud stomps, but instead a soft pattern of clicks. The heels of his shoes provide you a perfect rhythm. He’ll buy you chocolate because of the serotonin that they’re proven to induce. He never asks for details, he knows you would tell him if you needed to. However, just in case you are staying silent about the weight that’s causing this pain, due to the fear he’ll think you are weak. He hints that he would never see you in such a dull fashion. “Hey, you know you can always tell me if something is wrong, right? You know I keep my word, I won't judge or tell anybody else.” There was more he wanted to say. Part of that was an expression of how much he cared about you. He stayed silent in fear he would be selfish in doing so. If those words are the trigger for you to slip from holding it all in, he wraps you in his arms and lets you do what you need to. 

He doesn't care if you shout, pound your fists against his chest, cry, or do a mix of all of that. He wants you to get it all out until that weight can start to loosen, and you can start to feel free from the troubles holding down your smile. He’ll hold you after your meltdown. He will not let anybody else see you. They will not get a chance to lay a finger on you. If a specific person was the cause, like an ex, a bully, a sibling, he’ll wait till you're peacefully asleep, then have a… talk with them. He warns them that if you’re ever hurt again, they won’t get off with simply being terrified for their life. He’s insanely protective of the people close to him. You get the front of that protective nature, you’re the one he cares for the most. Whether you return such feelings or not, it won’t change anything. He hates seeing your tears, so he’ll always be there for you to cling to in such times. You are never alone, he will always be there to support you.

Atsushi:

613 words

When he first noticed you were down, he was working; doing the work Dazai had shoved at him. He liked to think you were a hard worker, so seeing you so… tired was a slight abnormality to him. He noticed how you were struggling to stay concentrated. Every so often he’d look over and find you blankly staring off, eyes glossed over. When everybody else was gone, he walked to your desk whilst fidgeting with the hem of his gloves. Taking deep breaths, he was upfront about what he’d noticed. “Are you feeling alright?” "I-I could uh take you somewhere if you want.” If you tell him you're fine, he’ll hang his head before gathering the courage to confront the lie. Even your tone was different; it sounded almost as if you had given up on everything. He knew that low, depressed tone. He used to have such a pitch to his own voice before he found his place here. He remembered how much pain he had gone through. The mental baggage of the past, the fear of what he found out was his own ability. He didn’t want that to be the pain rising in your mind. He’d pull over a chair and swipe away the pile of unfinished requests. “You’re not though. I-I don’t want to intrude, but maybe… maybe you should take some time? You seem tired, I could get you some sweets and other things if you want.” He would mutter the words under his breath until you shrugged.

When he returned, he found you on the agency sofa doing nothing but holding yourself; too exhausted to attempt to do anything. You couldn’t, not with how you felt. The thoughts racing in your head were too much to hold on to on your own. You wondered how people got this far with such a mindset. So trapped in your thoughts, you never noticed Atsushi take a seat at the other end. Sliding down bags of candy and flavored sweet drinks. He knew sugar induced serotonin, but wasn’t sure if that worked with everybody. The next thing he decided to do was look to the side and speak to you again. “If you’re going through something, I'm… we’re all here for you. The entire agency, you know, we're kind of like our own family? If you're hurting or holding something all on your own, you can tell us.” Turning back to you, he inched closer and reached for your hand. With a slow movement, he rubbed the back of your hand. “I… really am here. I’ve felt like this before… I know how hard it can be to tell others what’s bothering you, but please… can you promise me you’ll fight?” When he noticed your confused face, he decided to say it. “You’re important to every single one of us. So please, if it gets too much and you want to take it to an extreme, please… please come to one of us.” His eyes sparkled with a plea. He wouldn’t know what to do if you did something to yourself out of this pain. 

If those words cause you to rush in for a hug, he’ll return the embrace. Running his hand over your back in an attempt to comfort you. He’s not the best at comfort, but he does whatever he can to help. Whether you want to hear more reassurance or just have somebody to cling to while you're unmotivated. 

These things will eventually get better, with the right people, the right comfort, the right hobbies. These moments pass and light will shine. He hopes you’ll be able to see the light peek from the clouds soon.

[coeurdastronaute]

Nerd 14

Previously on Nerd

There weren’t many things considered as decorations in the house on the corner of Inglewood Street. The old stone house, with its black shutters and manicured lawn hid behind a stately oak and the polished Porsche in the driveway, glowed as a beacon in the neighborhood, of perfection and wealthy modesty. Inside, it was less populated than one might expect, never fully lived-in, at least not to the casual observer. 

Clarke moved her way down the stairs as she balanced the bag on her shoulder, fully prepared for work and then studying with her girlfriend on a fairly boring Saturday night. For the first time in a long time, she looked at the sparse frames of pictures of her family. 

Unsure of what made her pause, she furrowed, pushing her eyebrows tightly together and leaning into the image of her mother and father on a random date when they were together in college. They were carefree and at some bar trivia night. Abby hugged Jake’s bicep and nearly hid in his shoulder as he leaned forward, other arm lifted to interject an answer. He was smiling wide despite his eagerness, the flash ricocheting off part of his large glasses. His hair was floppy and fully, swept to the side and neatly arranged, while Abby was brimming with life. Clarke loved the candid picture because sometimes she looked at it, and these were two people who had entire lives and experiences and she forgot that. They probably got butterflies like she did when Lexa smiled at her. They probably spent hours excitedly waiting to see the other. 

In that picture, her mother wasn’t the person she was now, though both seemed insanely far away from Clarke. This college-aged person was alive, vibrant, in-love, awake, eager, and not cheating on her husband. The body language alone showed how much she adored him. 

In that picture, her father was the funny, charming man she remembered, not the angry, frustrated man who was skin and bones, who couldn’t eat, who couldn’t swallow, who had difficulties moving most days and remembering his own daughter others. He was alive as well. He was the man everyone wanted to sit beside for some reason, for som inexplicable reason he had this… he had a spark that drew those to him like a moth to a flame, except he was that flame, and he shared his light eagerly with those around him. 

Clarke relaxed her face after a few moments of looking and seeing and trying to find some kind of detail in that picture that would indicate that the couple in it would know what their life would like like two decades later. There wasn’t a single indication, and that terrified her. 

“Did you finish you math?” her mother’s voice called from the hallway, hearing her daughter shift and move to look at the next picture without seeing her first. 

“Yes.” 

The next image was a very tiny Clarke on her father’s shoulders and her mother hugging his waist as they all stood beneath a redwood tree. They had hiking gear, shorts, sunglasses, hats and sunscreen. They were all smiling. They were a family. 

“Did you email me that draft of your personal essay for applications?” 

Clarke gave up perusing, no longer feeling the yearn for that family unit that was far away. She rolled her eyes and stomped her way down the steps to find her mother sorting through envelopes and mail. 

“No.” 

“Why not?” Abby didn’t look up as she flipped.

“Because I’m a junior, and I have five months before applications are due.”

“That’s no excuse not to be prepared. Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time chasing after some gir--”

“Who am I chasing after?” Clarke scoffed, crossing her arms and peering at her mother. “Do you mean helping Lexa on her submission for film school? Do you mean tennis practice? Do you mean working part time? Do you mean having a social life?” 

“Considerate that you can help someone else get into college.” 

“It’s going to take her months to edit, which I can’t-- I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

That did it. Clarke knew it would. Clarke new an overt expression of her own independence would trigger her mother. She knew arguing and not appearing to care about college would give her the satisfaction of a righteous fight. She wanted it. It’d been brewing for about a week and a half, ever since Clarke said she was going prom dress shopping without her. Ever since Clark forgot to tell her about spending the night camping with Lexa and the film crew while the powered through the project. Ever since Clarke didn't’ come home for dinner last Tuesday and then raved about Mrs. Woods’ garlic chicken. Tiny things Clarke did with spite because she didn’t know what else to do, because she couldn’t do anything else. 

Abby’s nostrils flared and Clarke jutted her hip, shrugging to herself as she dug for her phone, ready to go to work and escape the house and the persistent smell of medical equipment and cleaner that haunted her until she was about two blocks from the house. 

“I’ll be home around midnight.” 

“Like hell you will. You’ll be home right after your shift.” 

“No,” Clarke paused as she turned to leave. “I’m going over Lexa’s to study. We’re watching a Cary Grant movie.” 

“You’re under the misconception that you get to make your own schedule and plans without asking permission. But that is not the case, Clarke.” 

“I’ve been doing fine.” 

“You’ve barely been home. Your father is--”

“Right there, in that room, asleep. I know this because I spent the morning with him. We made pancakes and played a game of cribbage. We talked about school and Lexa and I showed him pictures of the past week of my life. And I helped him with his meds because he’s having a bit of a flare. I told him I’d see him in the morning for omelettes because we’ve been watching cooking shows together and he wants to try the french style. I know exactly what is going on with my father.” 

She hadn’t meant to, but her voice began to raise as she spoke. Clarke felt her fist shake. She felt her muscles tighten and her jaw clench. She was okay with being considered lazy and unmotivated, but to be accused of negligence was uncalled for, especially from someone like her mother. 

“Don’t you raise your voice! You are greatly mistaken as to the nature of our relationship. I am your mother, and I am sick of your attitude, and your priorities not being your father and your family or your education.” 

“Lexa has nothing to do with any of that. Are you just mad I’m dating a girl? Or that I don’t care what you think anymore?” 

Slightly taken aback by her daughter, by her words, by her actions, by her entire demeanor over the past few months and frankly just sick of dealing with being the bad guy. 

“I don’t even know who you are anymore,” Abby shook her head. 

“I could say the same thing.” 

The two stared at each other before Clarke shook her head and adjusted her bag. She toyed with her keys in her pockets before checking her phone again. 

“I’m going to be late for work. I’ll be back tonight.” 

“You’re not going anywhere,” Abby insisted again. “You’re grounded indefinitely.” 

“Except I’m not,” Clarke sighed and shook her head. “I’m not because I don’t care anymore. I genuinely don’t.”

“You’re going to. Give me your keys and your phone.” 

“No.” 

“I’m not joking, Clarke. You’re going to need to readjust your priorities and attitude.”

“I think you should take your own advice,” Clarke insisted as she reached the front door. “Or are you too busy fucking Kane to realize that there is no more family here?” 

With a satisfying slam, she yanked the door shut. The anger that was stationed in her shoulders dissipated with the noise and movement. Clarke stood there in the quiet of her perfect neighborhood, the flapping of the flag lazily moving in the spring breeze was all she heard at first. Then the birds came. Then a lawnmower started in the distance. 

Clarke felt lighter than she’d felt in a long time. She also felt emptier than any other time in her life. It was officially the end, and now she had to deal with that because the anger and the hurt and the betrayal was all she’d had in her for what felt like months. It hadn’t made anything better, and it certainly ruined everything, but Clarke took some solace in the fact that now she could try to fill herself up with something else. 

XXXXXXXXXX

The party at Bellamy Blake’s house was in full swing by the time Lexa made her way up the winding driveway and into the belly of the beast. She wasn’t sure how she ended up there exactly, except that her girlfriend texted and said to show up. That seemed to be enough of a reason, though Lexa wasn’t particularly prepared. They’d had plans. Quiet plans. Private plans. Movie plans. 

And now Lexa was going to her girlfriend’s ex’s party. 

She shoved her hands in her pockets as she moved through the crowd, clearly not getting the memo that jeans were not entirely good enough attire, and in fact she seemed to be extremely overdressed. Her eyes bugged slightly as she watched a girl from her physics class walk by in a very tiny, very teeny lime green bikini. Lexa became suddenly aware of the appeal of such things, as if she hadn’t noticed them before, but then MIchelle who sat diagonally in front of her third period looked like that and she gulped. 

The music thumped loudly. The beats were rattling the walls and shaking the windows while the screams and giggles of her classmates sought to shatter glass. It wasn’t like the other parties she’d been to with Clarke. It wasn’t even like thrones Anya dragged her to when she visited. This was a night of debauchery and she hadn’t had time to prepare. 

And as much as she saw everyone else wearing bikinis, she hadn’t thought about Clarke wearing one. She’d seen Clarke’s boobs before. That was nice. But there was something to her girlfriend in a bikini that was… good. Very good, even. 

Lexa pushed her glasses up slightly on her nose and stared. 

“What are you doing here?” Gus asked, approaching quietly. She didn’t move or say anything else, just stared from across the pool, the steam billowing upward to ward the sky while everyone seemed to glow blue and green and red, the lights alternating around them, the flames of the fire pits dancing to keep everyone warm. The warm glow of the lights inside were lost on the white-blue shade to the water. 

“Lexa, focus,” he snapped his fingers in front of her face. “What are you doing here? Your sister would kill me if she knew you were at a Blake party.” 

“How is it different than any other party?” 

“It just is.” 

“Because of the pool? I’ve been to pool parties.” 

It hadn’t been since seventh grade and didn’t look like an episode of a CW show, but still, she’d been to a pool party with many of the same cast of characters that were currently on display. It was before puberty, but still. 

“We need to get you home.” 

“Clarke invited me.” 

“It doesn’t matter. This isn’t your scene.” 

“I can be in any scene. I’ve watched every John Hughes movie.”

“This is more of an episode of Euphoria than an 80s teen flick,” Gus sighed and took another swig from his cup. “And I fully believe you would fit in fine with Molly Ringwald.”

“That’s very kind of you to say,” Lexa nodded. “I’ll be fine.” 

She took her eyes off of her girlfriend long enough to assure her friend that she was perfectly fine now. She was dating the head cheerleader. She’d been to parties and seen--

“Gus-- is that cocaine?” 

“Okay, yeah, we have to get you out of here,” he shook his head and tossed his empty cup into a flowerbed. 

“Is it really?” she asked, craning her neck as he pushed her forward. “I’ve never see that in real life before. People actually do that thing with the credit cards and dollar bills? Astounding. Where does one get cocaine?” 

“You don’t need to know that.” 

“I’m not going to do it. I’m just curious.” 

They only made it a few steps before the ran into a sopping body. A tall, muscular, tan, perfectly chiseled and dripping body. It was the body of an actual god. It was the body of the perfect specimen, with biceps and the long swimmer cuts that pointed firmly toward his… his-ness. 

“Gus, long time, man. How you been?” Bellamy Blake grinned before slipping his cup in his teeth as he hugged the other football player. 

“Not too bad. Heard you’re heading to Oregon in the fall?” 

“Yeah, partial scholarship. We’ll see what happens,” he shrugged. “Staying close?” 

“Yeah, St. Johns, about three hours away.” 

“Full ride?” 

“Yeah. I got offered half to OSU, but would rather not have to pay anything.” 

“No, that’s smart.” 

The whole time they spoke, Lexa watched Clarke’s ex intently. She frowned to herself and wondered how her girlfriend broke up with him. He was effortlessly cool. He was huge. He looked like he knew how to go down on a girl, and Lexa was still apprehensive. She wished she could fast forward in life until she was really good at sex. 

She watched him grin and sip from his red cup, meeting her eyes curiously as Gus explained something about his college recruitment process. 

“I don’t think we’ve ever met before. I’m Bellamy.” 

He held out his hand. And though she didn’t want to do it, she sighed and shook his hand. 

“Sorry, I should have introduced you. This is Lexa.” 

“Lexa… Lexa…” He mulled. 

“Anya Woods’ sister.” 

“Wow, you’re Anya’s little sister?” 

“Yeah.” 

“How is she? I forgot she had a little sister. I remember her little brother died-- oh shit.” 

“Yeah.” 

“We were just heading out,” Gus interrupted. 

“I was actually just going to go talk to Clarke.” 

“Why would you--”

Before anything else could be said, before anything else could transpire between the two of them, before Gus had to interrupt again, Clarke appeared, launching herself into her girlfriend’s arms, wrapping her own around her neck, her body still slightly damp from the pool she must have just climbed out of during the awkward introduction. 

“You’re here. I’m so happy,” Clarke hummed against Lexa’s warm neck. She buried herself there, suffocating herself happily, slightly tipsy. 

“I told you I’d stop by.” 

Clarke kissed her girlfriend’s neck. She leaned most of her body against her there and giggled, oblivious to the eyes, too drunk to care about anything else happening. 

“I am have the worst day. Maybe the worst week. Maybe the worst year ever. No, wait. Definitely the worst year, and today I finally told my mom everything and then left. So Yeah. It’s been terrible. I got drunk.” 

“Not the healthiest coping mechanism.”

“Not a bit,” Clarke grinned, agreeing eagerly and with a wide grin. She leaned forward and kissed her girlfriend despite her words. 

“You can be healthy tomorrow,” Lexa offered. “You okay?” 

“As okay as can be.” 

There was some throat clearing that happened behind them, and Lexa felt a burning in her ears and chest at the display, unaccustomed to it all. 

“So this is your new girlfriend?” Bellamy asked, looking at the pair. 

“Lex, I suppose you’ve met my ex,” Clarke gestured. 

“Kind of.” 

“Is this party a little much?”

“If I remember correctly, this was exactly the kind of thing you liked. We went to many a party in our tenure,” Bellamy shrugged, lazily leaning against a counter. “Things changed since I left, I guess.” 

“I enjoyed not thinking,” Clarke offered. “You were great for that.” 

Gus and Lexa looked between the two and then at each other. She was almost certain she didn’t know what was happening, but that certainly, something was, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. 

“You moved on quick, huh?” 

“Hey, step back,” Gus interrupted as Bellamy took a single step. “This is Anya’s sister.” 

“Woods?” he furrowed. “You’re dating Anya Woods’ kid sister?” 

“Yup,” Clarke nodded. 

“I heard she was--”

“Standing right here,” Gus finished. 

Lexa felt Clarke’s hand move into her own and she smiled despite the fact that she was picking up a drunk girl at her college guy ex’s party. There was a lot in that sentence she wasn’t happy about, now that she thought about it. 

“You ready to get out of here?” Lexa asked innocently, ignoring the rest. 

“I think we still have a few more shots lined up, Clarke,” Bellamy smiled and Lexa understood the need to punch. 

Noticeably torn, she looked at her girlfriend and back at her ex before realizing that she was actually drunk, and that wasn’t good. Lexa smiled softly and rubbed her girlfriend’s back. She kind of imagined how it must have felt to implode and take her mother down with her. Lexa remembered the feeling of telling her father she was gay and sad. Clarke’s implosion didn’t seem as successful as her own, and Lexa was more than happy to try to help in whatever way she could. 

“Can I stay at your place tonight?” 

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded quickly. “I’ll text my mom to let her know.” 

“You’re seriously leaving?” The college football player and terrible ex scoffed. “The night is still young. It’s barely after eleven.” 

“Thanks for getting me drunk, but I should probably go do something better.” 

“Thanks for showing me around,” Lexa offered nodding her head slightly toward the host before he could argue. “Have a good night. I’ll see you on Monday, Gus.”

“Get home safe,” the linebacker warned. 

Slightly dumbfounded, Bellamy Blake stood there, hands on his hips as he watched his ex weave through the crowd of people and disappear. As much s everything stayed the same, he couldn’t shake the sinking feeling of change, and how averse he was to it. 

XXXXXXXXXX

“Here, you can, uh,” Lexa quickly moved through her bedroom, leaving her girlfriend standing by the bed. “I have some old sweats if you want.” 

Already, Clarke began taking off her pants, and Lexa quickly looked in the drawers of her dresser. She felt the tips of her ears burn slightly as she looked over her shoulder, her girlfriend slumping into the bed, pants lost to the floor. 

“I knew I shouldn’t have gone to that party. I knew it,” Clarke sighed, rubbing her face with both hands to ride herself of the spinning. “But I didn’t care. I just wanted to… you know…”

“You had it out with your mom. You just anted to go far away. I get it.” 

“Don’t be nice to me. I knew better than to go, especially to anything involving Bellamy Blake.” 

“Why?” 

“He doesn’t care about any of it. Just has drinks. I should have called you or like done something else.” 

“You’re allowed to want to take a night off from a giant secret after a huge fight. And you don’t need my permission,” Lexa reminded her girlfriend, offering an old shirt. 

“It was stupid.” 

“Do you feel better?” 

Gingerly, Lexa tugged at Clarke’s shirt, pulling it over her head until she flopped back down on the bed, her hair fanning out against the pillow. Agitated at herself, at her clothe, at the unfathomable uncontrollability to the entirety of her life, Clarke growled to herself as she tugged off her bra, tossing it to the side and gracelessly pulling on the shirt Lexa offered. 

“I don’t feel better at all.” 

It was certainly a pout, and Lexa did her best to ignore it. Instead, she slicked off the light beside the bed, and slid between the sheets next to Clarke. Lexa laid there until Clarke turned to face her, until she placed her hand on her neck and cheek. 

“I’m sorry you had to pick me up.” 

“It’s okay,” Lexa whispered. 

“It’s not. I’m not like this… I don’t mean to be… I mean--”

“It’s okay.” 

Clarke leaned forward, shifting beneath the blankets until their knees were touching. She moved to only push the hair from Lexa’s forehead and she paused before kissing her lips. She tasted the warmth of the tequila there and she didn’t care. Lexa signed. 

“Please don’t give up on me anytime soon,” Clarke murmured. Stunned from the kiss, Lexa blinked in the dark and shifted closer. 

“I wouldn’t ever.” 

“I know you wouldn’t. I just had to say it out loud.” 

“Okay.” 

Lexa was certain she was going to get another kiss, but instead, Clarke dug her forehead under her girlfriend’s chin and pressed their bodies together, hugging her tightly and disappearing, being overwhelmed, anchoring herself to a steady force. Lexa rubbed Clarke’s back for a few moments until she fell asleep, and then she allowed herself the option of sleep.

NEXT

[lamiasluck]

Cheers to the Future

(Working for with this new version of Host I created. What if he didn’t mind Author and actually respected him? Much to think about.)

Author wrote his future self a letter to reflect on things. Host always cherishes the the gesture. It’s not everyday he can see relics of his past life.

@emptynarration @alvie-ashgrove @shy-marker-pliers @juju-on-that-yeet @m4delin @verse2wo @ferociousfangirlofmanyfandoms @lildevyl 

Warnings: swearing, minor violence

- 

Dear my future self,

I’m writing this stupid thing because I need something to calm me down. Another damn character ran away, again. A surprisingly fast guy,  considering he’s some brain dead office monkey. I don’t remember his name, but my bat had his goddamn name written all over it! People just don’t get it. Their safety doesn’t matter in this; I want to have fun. But whatever, maybe you’ll have better luck getting that through people’s heads. And it better work! I can’t imagine myself doing anything else. I’d rather die than become boring like that. 

I want a library full of books in the future. And I better have written every single word in them. It’ll be a whole collection of characters that get it. That they don’t matter, only the story does. You better understand that, too. I’m tired of thinking of the morality of it all, everyone keeps telling me I’m wrong and horrible. I know that! Dear god, I don’t need to hear it all the time. The same dialogue over and over drives me insane. I can only imagine how exhausted you are of that by now. Though, maybe you have a better way to make them understand what we mean. If only I could hear it… Nothing pisses me off more than an entitled character too stupid to consider the bigger picture. Now I’m repeating myself. I’m the asshole here. Well, I’m going to commit to it now.

I want things from you, even if you are me. You should have more power. I want you to be stronger than me, which is impossible already, but the only one able to do that is me. I want you to be a fucking god. It’s what we deserve.

Guess this wasn’t as stupid as I thought… I feel better after writing this. I’ll go out and get another character. Start things over. I’ll even keep this piece of scrap somewhere safe, in case you do read this in the future. If you’re alive. You better be. I hope life’s more of a joyride to you. That’s my dream, stick with it.

- Author

The Host fondly brushes his thumb over the worn paper. It’s long since weakened with age, feeling flimsy in his hands and crumpled. The messy handwriting is charming to see with his narrations, but at least they’re full paragraphs. He can never find himself jotting down more than a few notes for his radio broadcasts. His infliction makes him unmotivated to put in the effort. Not like anyone else sees them besides him, anyway. 

Author had such a way with words. Like how he kept swearing constantly even when writing a letter. A charming touch, added more personality. The Host doesn’t curse nearly as much. As it turns out, swearing aggressively puts many characters at unease right off the bat. He learned that soon after Author died.

This isn’t the first time he’s read this, nor will it be the last. Hell, he practiced his narrations reading it when he got reborn. It’s nice to reflect on who he once was. Author was always an interesting man, but far too narrow minded to improve for his own benefit. The Host wouldn’t be here if Author wasn’t so rash, though. He’s grateful for such a unique creation. No human is born like this. That always brings a smile to his face. Perhaps, he did turn into the god Author had wanted. He certainly feels like one with his power. 

The letter is carefully folded up and put into a safe drawer. It’s been taken care of expertly all these years, with only a small tear to prove otherwise. The Host wonders what Author would think of him some days. He lives in the same body as the writer, but it feels odd to call himself “The Author.” Perhaps, The Host is something Author expected. To be killed and reborn anew, into something greater than man. Maybe that’s why he stupidly faced every danger head on, tempting fate to turn him into a god, to complete his origin story. Or maybe, Author would be absolutely disgusted by The Host, scared even.

“No, I don’t want to die! I want this power. I don’t want you having it!”

With golden eyes widened in horror, while his shaky hands grips his bat like it’ll protect him. Expression morphed into a harsh, but confused glare, as he stared at his future. Why, The Host can practically hear him screaming curses at him. It’s always amusing to think about, but they’re only predictions of the impossible. All he can do is honour Author’s name. While he may not be a writer, he’s quite the storyteller. And, he’s gotten better at controlling those pesky characters’ minds. Though-

“Let me out!” a panicked man’s voice screeches from the other room. There’s sounds of a struggle, before The Host hears a loud thump, followed by a pained groan. Poor soul must’ve tipped over his chair. “You can’t keep me in here!” Still as determined as ever, though.

- Sometimes he has the same problems Author did. While he may have improved how he plays mind games, something Author never had the patience to do, there are always times a character’s too vain to understand the message. Some things never change. It never bothers The Host too much though, at least not enough to make him as angry as Author would’ve been. He alway finds ways to have fun with it. Again, another thing Author could never do; go with the flow and make every situation his. As they deserve. 

With age comes maturity, The Host supposes. As if he’s the shining beacon of maturity. 

With a grin on his face, he grabs his trusty, metal bat and stands from his desk. Well, Author’s bat, but he still cares for the weapon. “Another damn character ran away,” he repeats Author’s words with a giggle. “Or, almost ran away. The Host tries to be smart enough to catch them afterwards.”

He walks over to the room he keeps his uncooperative characters in. This guy did end up tipping his chair over, now flopping around like a suffocating fish. The sight makes The Host laugh through his narrations. He walks up to the character, dragging his bat against the floor to make a dull, scraping sound. The way the character yells and begs makes his grin grow wider.

“Now, now, friend,” he crouches down next to the character’s head, “with all that screaming, he may tear out his vocal cords.” He presses the end of his bat against the poor man’s throat, effectively quieting the screaming into a pitiful whimper. “None of that now, The Host wants to show his friend why he should’ve behaved.” He stands up then, spinning his bat in his hand.

“No, please-”

“It may be a long and hard lesson to take in.” He raises his bat over his head, “If it makes him feel better, The Host found it hard to learn himself.”

“God, please, no!”

“God only wants to make a good story. Let fate take its course.” He swings the bat down hard into the character’s ribs, laughing maniacally once he hears a sickening crack. The man shrieks in pain, but no one will hear him within the vast and empty forest. No one besides The Host. “Don’t worry, it’s for the greater good!”

Time to make Author proud.

[abitterlifethroughcinema]

THE St. Jordi BCN Film Festival ’21 FILM REVIEWS

VOL. I: What’s Good!

by Lucas Avram Cavazos

YOUR #VOSEng take on upcoming international cinema premiering in Catalonia & Spain soon

To begin with, for a fellow who has for years been used to screening or viewing hundreds of movies annually, thereby spending hella time in cinemas, a global pandemic has been a true shock to the dork’s system. It has been a testament to the mindset of ‘the show must go on’ to see so many of our local and other European film festivals pushing back against the virus and powering through what could be deemed a safety issue by many. But basta! For starters, temp checks and hand sanitiser stations plus mandatory mask wearing have made a true return to movie going a half-wonderful respite. And so many thanks to Conxita Casanovas, Marien Pinies, David Mitjans, Cines Verdi BCN, Institut Francaise, and Casa Seat plus ALL the industry, press and movie lovers for making one of my favourite film festivals back to life for the half-decade anniversary. And I’m not just saying that for shits n’ giggles.

As an educator and broadcaster, history not only steeps itself within the confines of my classes, sessions and weekly radio/livestream shows, but every single one of us are literally living and walking and thriving through history, even as I scribe. So congratulations to anyone reading this, because you are Destiny's Child’ing it all over this place like drum n’ bass! On to the festival and cinema though please…

The St. Jordi BCN Film Festival revolves around the celebrated St. George’s/Day of the Book holiday here in Catalonia and so all the movies are based upon literary and historical works and facts. Red carpet moments and celebrities also make up the soirees and this year proved even better than others, with the likes of Johnny Depp and Isabelle Huppert being hosted by Cines Verdi, Institut Francaise and Casa Fuster. Depp, dressed as his character (I believe!) from his latest premiere Minamata -reviewed below- even mentioned that he would have loved to stay longer if he could keep Casa Fuster all to himself. And the day after her premiere for Mama Weed -also reviewed below- Huppert was seen being gorgeous at another film screening and then meandering about Gracia. But let’s speak about some of the movies that piqued my interest and will hopefully do the same to yours.

Petit Pays by Eric Barbier ####

Winner of Best Film at this year’s festival awards, Petit Pays tells a quasi-true story of family struggle during the Hutu vs Tutsi massacre that befell the gorgeous countries of Burundi and Rwanda in the early-to-mid 90s. But that is just the mere slice of what the plot truly entails. Focusing on little Gaby (Djibril Vancoppenolle) and his wee sister Ana (Dayla De Medina) as they make their way through childhood/pre-teen years, the plot thickens when the genocide starts to spill over and touch their lives, hectically lived with their Belgian father (Jean-Paul Rouve) and Rwandan mother (Isabelle Kabano, winner of the Best Actress award at this year’s festival). Truth be told, they do live in the lap of African middle class pleasantries, but as the film tenses up, reality sets in for all involved, including us viewers. The harsh reality that director Barbier fuses into the novel adaptation by French-Rwandan rapper/author Gael Faye seeks to display to the audience the truth of a genocidal history and how the sins of the parents always come back to burden or visit the children.

Where to watch: debuts in local cinemas 28/05/21

Promising Young Woman by Emerald Fennell ####

Oscar-nominated and local premiere hit Promising Young Woman had a stellar reception at this year’s festival and what a tour de force it turned out to be. The film plot revolves around medical school dropout Cassie Thomas (Carey Mulligan), who turns 30 and passes her time working at a trendy coffee shop but completely unmotivated whilst also continuing to live with her increasingly-worried parents. Years after her best mate killed herself, Cassie drags the guilt and loss along with her…until a blast from the past shows up, gets his coffee spat in and then falls head over heels into what will turn into a revenge tale beyond one’s craziest notions. A tale of loss that touches on modern themes in a frighteningly understandable way is few and far between these days. Fennell’s work here puts her on the map for sure.

Where to watch: in local cinemas NOW

Minamata by Andrew Levitas ###-1/2

This year marks 50 years since a collective understanding by world powers finally began to comprehend the enormity that factories create against Mother Nature and living creatures. It’s New York and 1971 when we find W. Eugene Smith (Johnny Depp), Life magazine photo journalist and one awash in a realm of problems. Then, adding to that drama, we find him suddenly embroiled on a task and mission that is presented by a couple of his fans, without his awareness that he has also stumbled onto a truth beyond wills. Environmental devastation affecting the innocent in Minamata, Japan is where we eventually spend the plurality of the film, and if you can get through the end scene of it without tears or shame of what mankind has wrought, you’re a tougher kid than I.

Where to watch: in local cinemas as of 30 April

Mama Weed by Jean-Paul Salomé ####

I cannot even begin to explain how much I absolutely enjoyed screening this film by the gifted and curious director Salomé, but it is without a doubt the tour de force work of ageless French star Isabelle Huppert that summons one to watch and compels them to laugh and engage. Undoubtedly, adapting any work of art from literature is never an easy undertaking, but the bringing to life of Patience Portefeux, a judicial interpreter for France’s investigation division, turns out to be crown jewel by Huppert. Serving up comical thrills, blithe acting when under insane pressure by duel forces and fierce Arab queen fashions, this film will have you white-knuckled, perplexed and laughing, all in tandem. THIS is an early-in-the-year film that deserves some attention!

Where to watch: in local cinemas NOW

My Salinger Year by Philippe Falardeau ###-1/2

Based on the like-titled autobio novel by Joanna Smith Rakoff, the movie stars Margaret Qualley as Joanna, an aspiring writer and young upstart in an NYC lit agency, whose tasks include many things, including answering the many fan mail letters that come for the agency’s fave writer J.D. Salinger, he of the oft-loved US American coming-of-age novel Catcher in the Rye. Even this guy connected to Holden Caulfield as a youth so when Joanna one day fields a call from Salinger and then gets caught trying to find endearing manners to respond to these grand fans, an incident leads to a coming-of-age awareness experience for Joanna and we the audience are the ones who are all the better for it.

Where to watch: in local cinemas on 4/6/21

[comeupkid415]

Off top

I took photos of San Francisco street/bus graffiti for the last 17 years. Became pretty confident in my iding of handstyles and bay area pieces. But moving to Ohio, specificly where I am in Ohio, and there being 0 graffiti presence anywhere but trains has been an exhilarating change for me. In the last 5 month's with only trains and editing photos from 2013-2019 IV been lacking on, its like I'm relearning graffiti, tags, letter structure ect. Trains go from coast to coast, even beyond Continental boarders, the exposure IV gotten and introduction to new stiles and names/crews/monikers has been so refreshing. Its pushed me to try new things and dig into old things(ie study different regions graffiti, crews, letter structure and hand styles) im sorry IV let my feed die a few times in the last couple of week's(between work and all the shit going on back home of been kinda unmotivated) but please believe I'm still shooting constantly, as well as catching up on editing the 7 past years of unedited photos IV taken, and will be posting here as well as my flicker (reppindar415ripAJ) and my two dedicated Instagrams (HandsOfFogTown (SF inflow/Busflow/hnadstyles) and Lustin4aRustin(freight pieces/throwups and monikers) so stay tuned through the luls. Sometimes im depressed as fuck on a 9day in a row streak of work, editing in my spare time but not feelin motivated enough to edit, post, rename and repost ish from my flicker to Tumblr...but im still posting at least 100 flicks a week there....and tryna do 6 posts a day on L4AR(3 moniker and 3 pieces, at least) and tryna get back to posting 3 a day on HOFT...

I'm also tryna figure out what i posted here since 2010, that i didnt post to flickr.....and that's been a very tedious endevour.... IV been working since April(when I got a laptop for the first time since 2006) and I'm barely through 2013.... So I have an insane amount of content...and a very scrambled and easily overwhelmed mind working on it...light weight hoping the dreaded unbareable winter hits here so I'm forced to stay in and work on catching up... But regaurdless tha ks to everyone thats stuck with me through this ish....you will for sure be the biggest benefituaries of this endeavour!

[cthhighhorse]

Back - mgc

When I wrote this I had an inspo outburst... I ended up crying when I finished it, anyways enjoy (probably not my best, any feedback is appreciated)

//

You and Michael have been broken up for three months, you said you needed time and he understood, so peacefully you walked away. Ever since you broke up, you’ve been in complete misery, crying every hour, feeling unmotivated, sad and mad at yourself. Michael was in the same position as you, he was distant with everyone, he wouldn’t talk to anyone, he’d cry himself to sleep. What you had was something people envied, your love was so pure, so special, people wanted something like that.

In the past three months what’s been through your mind is the huge mistake you made, breaking up with the only person that’ve made you feel happy, that taught you how to stop being afraid of being yourself, the person who taught you how to speak up, specially the person who loved you for who you really were.

After a long day at work, you finally were able to come home. You get home and the first thing you do is take off your shoes and lay your belongings on the floor and go upstairs. You walk to the bathroom, you turn on the shower so the water can warm up, and start undressing. Slipping into the hot water, your body starts relaxing, the pain decreasing with each minute that passes by. After an hour, you leave the shower, walking back to your room you see the dark sky and pouring rain outside your window, you didn’t realize it was raining. You start brushing your hair while watching the rain pour violently, a nostalgic feeling runs through your body; Michael used to brush your hair when you came home tired, his hands were so soft and careful because he used to think he was going to break your neck if he pulled to hard at your hair. A tear runs down your face, you miss him horribly, you just wanted him back, you wanted his morning kisses, late night cuddles, lazy sex, sleepless nights talking about anything; you wanted the love of your life back.

After crying for half an hour, you come down stairs, and decide to make Mac n cheese and watch Netflix because that was your life lately, work, mac n cheese, Netflix, cry, sleep and repeat. You are extremely exhausted, and the pouring rain making echo through your house is making it easier for you to fall asleep, but that’s interrupted when you hear a knock on your door. You stand up, your heart is beating because, who would knock on your door at 10pm? When you open the door, your heart drops, your mouth is dry and you feel dizzy; the guys who takes your breathe away is standing right in front of you, his blood shot eyes are staring deep in to your soul. He’s all wet, his hair and clothes dripping rain water.

“M-michael?” You ask, a pretty dumb question, but what else can you say? “W-what are you d-doing here?”

“I can’t do this anymore” he says, you missed him so much, his voice made you feel alive, you couldn’t believe you spent three months not hearing his voice.

“What are you talking about? Come in please, you’re all wet, you can get sick” you open your door more, and he comes in, you close the door. You take a deep breath before turning around, when you lock your door and turn around to face him, you gasp when you see his position.

“Michael... what is this?”

His on one knee, a little black box is in his hands, and he’s sobbing. “Before we broke up, i bought this ring, because i knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I’ve never felt this way before, you’re my always and forever. I’ve been so miserable this past three months. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to come back to me, I miss you, I need you, I love you, i won’t stop loving you. Please baby, I had everything planned, what I was going to say before proposing, but I guess I’ll do it this way because being away from you is killing me” he takes a deep breathe, “y/n y/l/n, will you marry this crazy man that’s been in love with you for the past three years, this man that had the urge to drive while there’s a storm outside because he couldn’t wait to see you, and tell you how much he loves you and misses you?”

You choke, you haven’t realize that you’re crying, sobbing actually, hot tears streaming down your face. You drop on your knees in front of him, moving your hands to his cold checks, full of hot tears.

“Michael, i love you, I’ve been miserable this past three months, my worst mistake was asking you to break up” you sob, he wraps his arms around your waist, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I always have, you are the love of my life and you’ll always be.” You move and stare right into his green eyes, grabbing his face you pull him to you and kiss him, finally, you kiss him after three long months. The need, desperation and mostly, the love, is shown in the kiss, he hugs your harder, and deepens the kiss, he bites your lower lip and you moan, giving him access to move his tongue into your mouth, you both moan when he does that. You separate after two minutes of kissing.

“Is that a yes?” He asks, hope and happiness in his eyes. You grab the box off his hands and open it, you gasp when you see the ring, it’s a gold dainty band with a small tear drop diamond, Michael knew you loved dainty jewelry, and the fact the he choose the perfect engagement ring, just made you cry more. Sobbing on his shoulder you nod your head.

“Yes, yes, yes. I’ll marry you, i love you.” You kiss him, “thank you for not giving up on me, thank you for coming back to me, even though I was the one that made us break up. I’m sorry if I hurt you, I won’t hurt you again the way I did before. I’ll cherish you, protect your heart, and love you with all I have, with all I am.” You stare at him, tears gathering in his eyes. You can feel your tears on your cheeks again. He takes the ring off the box and grabs your left hand, he starts sliding the ring on your finger, happiness flooding through your veins.

“I’ll protect your heart too, I’ll give you all I have, I’ll give you all my love and I’ll make you the happiest woman alive” he kisses you again, you can feel his love through the kiss. When you separate, he says “I love you, I don’t regret coming this late while it’s raining outside, I needed to see you, I needed to get this out of my chest. I’m fucking happy you said yes, you made me the happiest man alive”

“I love you, Michael Gordon Clifford. I love you, I love that we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together” you are still on the floor, hugging each other, afraid that if you let go of each other, all of this will disappear, that all was a beautiful dream. After kissing, hugging, touching, saying ‘I love you’s’, you decide to move upstairs. He gives you his shirt because it was finally dry after all the time you spent downstairs crying and kissing, you take out a few of his clothes that you didn’t give to him when you moved out.

“You’re coming back home right?” He asks when you’re all set on bed, arms around each other, his right hand touching and caressing your left hand where the ring rests. You tangle your legs around his, you lift your head and kiss his cheek.

“You want me to?”

“Of course I do baby, I need you with me, if I go another day without you by my side I’ll go insane” you chuckle.

“Yes, I’ll move in with you”

“I love you, you know that, right?”

“Yes, I know, and I love you, always and forever” you kiss each other, and fall asleep quickly.

***

Next morning you wake up, your head hurting, when you remember the events of last night a huge smile crosses your face, you lift your left arm and see your ring; you’re engaged, you’re going to marry the love of your life. With a huge smile you take away your gaze from your beautiful ring and see your beautiful fiancée smiling at you, he’s leaning on the bathroom frame, his messy blonde hair makes him look like an angel.

“Aren’t you a little bit far away from me?” You ask smiling, you are so happy, nothing will take this feeling away from you.

“Sorry, I was looking at my beautiful fiancée sleep and I can’t stop looking at her”

“Oh yeah? I’m sure she pretty lucky to have such a handsome fiancée.” He walks to your bed, and lays next to you.

“I’m sure we’re both lucky” you nod and he kisses you. “I love you”

“I love you too, fiancée” he smiles. You couldn’t believe last night you were crying because you missed Michael so much, today, he was your fiancée, you were marrying him and honestly, you couldn’t wait.

//

🖤

[sunshine-bravado]

a little (but long) self reflection: the importance of vulnerability

I started this year at a very low place. The last three months of 2017 were the worst my mental health had ever been.

I had constant anxiety and I experienced panic attacks for the first time. I was forced to experience one of these in front of people I was doing my best to impress. I tried to hide, I stepped out of class to try and calm myself down because I didn’t want to be around my friends and I didn’t want them to see me like that. I thought I was calm, so I went back into class to try and carry on like normal. When my professor asked if I was okay, my panic attack started right back up and I had to ride it out in front of everyone, as she quietly calmed me down and coached me through it. I left class that day ashamed that I wasted my classmates’ time. When my boyfriend asked me about it later that day I tried to change the conversation quickly. I thought showing my vulnerability would change the way everyone looked at me.

I didn’t know it at the time, but the root of a lot of my problems (but not the sole reason for anything. It just fueled the fire), was my boyfriend. He was emotionally abusive, whether it was intentional or not—he was neglecting and manipulative, and I always brushed it off and blamed myself. I thought my sole source of validation came from him (which is very unhealthy, I’ve since learned). We weren’t a normal couple. He only held my hand once, we never cuddled, we never kissed, the only reason I had one of his sweatshirts was because my friends had to talk him into it. We were best friends with the boyfriend/girlfriend label stamped on it.

We both go to school out of state, so when we went our separate ways for winter break, I was worried but I wasn’t trying to think about it. We didn’t talk as much as I’d have liked (I was censoring myself, afraid I’d irritate him or drive him away), but we still made okay conversation. I’m not a huge fan of drinking/drugs, but I knew he was—so on NYE I texted him with what became my little mantra for him, “Be safe. Be smart. Don’t do anything too stupid”. He sent me a Snapchat at midnight and we went on our way.

A few days back on campus he and I went on a walk. We’d never had the “let’s make things official!” talk, but that night we did. That same night he admitted to getting cross faded and making out with someone on NYE and talking to someone on tinder. I begged him to stop talking to the person on tinder, he was resistant tried to defend his actions (The person was on the police force in his town, something his sister was interest in, and it was a way to help her out. He likes the attention. He tried to stop their advances). I took all of this information and I stuffed it as deep within me as possible. I was filled with shame, feeling like it was my fault that he did this, even though I didn’t know how it could be.

I walked around with this information for weeks. My mental health greatly worsened. I began having suicidal thoughts, I grew lethargic and unmotivated. My friends would ask how he and I were doing, and I’d feign normalcy until on night at dinner I nervously admitted that things weren’t all that great. On the day of his birthday I wasn’t able to see him until the late evening, so I went to visit him. I left fifteen minutes later, on the verge of a panic attack after listening to him tell me about all the people he danced with at a party that night. I walked around campus for two hours before I finally broke down at midnight and called my mom to tell her everything I had lied about for the past four months. I called her and cried for an hour. I finally went back to my dorm, knowing that I had to break up with him.

I wasn’t able to do it until a few days later. January 31st. I was sad for a few hours before I found myself get unreasonably happy. I kept getting bursts of energy and excitement out of nowhere. I found myself coming back to myself.

I was slow to reveal what happened, scared to label it with the “A” word. I wasn’t a victim? My story wasn’t as bad as other people’s? He wasn’t that bad? It wasn’t until my friend sat me down and said it out loud that I allowed myself to see it as that. Abuse.

He and I had classes together 4 days a week. I found myself caught in this limbo of wanting to be vulnerable, but not wanting him to see it. I healed. I said Fuck It and began caring less about him and his view of me. I healed, I’m still healing.

It wasn’t until the second half of the year until I began really understanding vulnerability. It isn’t weak. It’s the biggest sign of strength in a person. As I pushed my way through an insane courseload this past semester I found myself letting people in. I let them see my fears and my worries, I showed them my hurts and I showed where I’m still trying to fix myself. I’ve begun caring less what people think about me. I wear less makeup, I let my hair dry naturally, I talk to myself more kindly. I allow people to see me, I’m working on not judging my actions before I do them. I’m trying to engrave the words “I am enough.” into my soul. I still worry. I still get insecure. But I’m learning to see myself as less of a burden.

You can’t hide one thing without hiding it all. I thought I could still be genuinely me without showing the whole. I don’t need to be perfect, I am already enough.

[petrichorvoices]

disco Elysium mutual, what does my header look like i am going to go insane if it keeps fucking up ugh (also how have you been i feel like we dont talk enough 0o)

that's what it looks like

and we've been.... eh. the past few days have been downers. we're unmotivated and bored. there are ups and downs with mental health and stuff and we're in a down. not sad, just.... bored, without any ability to fix that. nothing gets rid of how bored we are

how about you?

[steamishot]

meh/PMS

i’m due to get my period in two days and am feeling meh. i’m getting so restless from WFH and going a little insane because i barely have any human contact outside of matt. S is my closest friend and i’m so thankful i have her here. we went on our first citi bike ride this past friday! i can’t wait to get the vanmoof. it’ll be my solo activity that incorporates exercise and exploring the city.  

i feel like there’s not much going on with my life, and that’s been making me feel sad. i want to be busier (both at work/studying and outside of it), and that’ll require a lot of self discipline from my part. i think i do a lot of “small” things daily, but really lack the discipline to maintain consistency, keep going, and continue improving. for example, i start tv shows, projects, audiobooks, and podcasts and sometimes don’t finish them. the most recent book i was listening to is elon musk’s biography and i’ve become lazy to even continue to listen even though it found it interesting. one quote i enjoyed from an acquaintance i find very inspiring is “hard work does not pay off immediately, it pays off eventually”. i always have to remind myself of this whenever i feel lazy/unmotivated because i haven’t seen results. also, from a separate person “____ is living a few years of your life like most people won’t. so that you can spend the rest of your life like most people can’t”. 

matt has been studying a lot. any free time from now til boards will be dedicated to studying. we have been going out a bit more, but have fallen back into being on some kind of time-constraint (he’s constantly anxious about being behind on studying). he’s even studying during subway rides and any time that we’re waiting. gosh, the days when we will actually have real free time together will be magical. we are now at 42 days til boards. 

our diet has been pretty horrible recently. i think we were having too much fun ordering/trying different food/semi celebrating end of hard rotations. i started feeling pretty bad last week, very groggy and like my face was swelling up. from now on, i am limiting milk, sweets, and fats in our diet and introducing much more greens and fruits (hello smoothies)! i am excited to make more green smoothies in the future. 

positives

8 of 9 of my click and grow plants have sprouted! the lettuce is growing the fastest. i will be getting a replacement for the tomato plant that didn’t sprout

introducing a healthier diet/more exercise and gym time

no more hard rotations! 

will be adding an alocasia to my plant collection

in times like this, where we don’t have family or many friends around (or the time to have much fun), online shopping is fun. we made quite a few purchases recently. i wouldn’t say they were smart financial decisions, and i can always find excuses to justify the purchases. my favorites include: well neither of us commute to work so we save on gas/metro money, we work too hard/suffer too much to not enjoy ourselves, we hardly spend in the times when matt was too busy (which was a lot), we are not traveling anywhere this summer, we aren’t moving from this apartment and are essentially “saving” money living in a covid-rate apartment, and it’s okay to spend to have hobbies/invest in yourself. 

things purchased recently: new couch, ottoman (still waiting), electric bike (still waiting), click and grow, my new plant, wall frames/tv mounting, oil treatment for hair at the salon

we are still cheapos with purchases in general and usually only buy with a discount/deal/credit card offer or cash back, and this applies to almost everything we spend money on. recently we started using an app called seated that gives cash back in gift cards for dining out at some local restaurants. i’ve used this to purchase some lululemon attire + using healthcare worker discount

on this note, i realized i’ve always scaled myself back and thought of ways to save money and be frugal, instead of thinking of ways to make more money to live an ideal lifestyle

they are installing latch at our apartment today so the whole building with be keyless. i love how advanced things are getting. 

[december-girl06]

65 Questions You Aren’t Used To

I was tagged by one of the sweetest people I know @rafaelina-casillas <3 Thank you for being interested in my pretty dull personality.

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

No, I don’t believe that I live in some huge extravagant experiment and I don’t usually delve too deep into human existance itself.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Probably 4, I’ve been scared of the dark ever since I was little.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

One of the world’s dictators be it past, present or future.

4. What is your favorite word?

I don’t really have one.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

A willow, I’ve always found it beautiful and I’ve heard that its a symbol of wisdom and adaptability.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

“Ugh you look like a mess.”

7. What shirt are you wearing?

An ordinary white one.

8. What do you label yourself as?

A shy person.

9. Bright room or dark room?

Bright, dark rooms make me feel suffocated.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Browsing Twitter/Tumblr.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

19-20 because i became more independent and came to live in the big city with my best friend.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

My mom probably but it was some time ago.

13. Your worst enemy?

Of course it’s my own self because I want to change but I’m the one who makes it difficult.

14. What is your current desktop picture?

This picture of my sweet baby Changkyun from MONSTA X <3

15. Do you like someone?

Romantically no.

16. The last song you listened to?

Ladies’ Code - My Flower

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

No one, bearing the responsibility for someone’s death will be too much for me.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Myself for being so lazy and unmotivated.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

I don’t like the idea of having a slave.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

Probably my long eyelashes.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

I would want to be tall, moderately muscular and with dark hair and eyes. I would probably put on a suit and go to a business meeting just to find out what it’s like to have that infamous male confidence that impresses us women so much.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

I have some talent for acting. I’ve been in a few plays and got pretty high praises from professional theatrical actors.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

Falling down and smashing my teeth, I believe that it would be extremely painful so I wish I would never have to go through it.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Sybway has a sandwich called Italian B.M.T. with a few types of meats, vegetables & cheese so probably that.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

On MONSTA X merchandise.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Seoul, South Korea especially right now since MONSTA X is having a comeback next week.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Moët & Chandon - champagne.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

No violence.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck!

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

My wallet because my documents & money are in it.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

My father getting into a car crush, being in pain and struggling to do anything through the recovery process.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

Seoul, South Korea. The people I’m a fan of all live there.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

My best friend’s favourite grandmother.

34. What was your last dream about?

I was sitting in a car talking to someone but I don’t remember who the person was or what our conversation was about.

35. Are you good at hiding your emotions? Like pretending to be happy while you want to cry?

Yes, I’m very good at it actually so if I do show my emotions that meants that I trust the other person a lot.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

For just a few stitches yes but it was a long time ago.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

A lot of times when I was little.

38. What is the color of your socks?

Blue.

39. What type of music do you like?

I listen to whatever song sounds good to me it doesn’t matter if it’s pop, hip-hop, rock, trap and so on.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets especially if I’m at the beach, the atmosphere is so peaceful and you can take a few moments to really appreciate the beauty of nature or just pretend that time has stopped.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Chocolate, I like everything with chocolate in it.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

I don’t support a particular team.

43. Do you have any scars?

Yes, the most prominant one is near the corner of my right eye from when i fell on the edge of the bedside table when I was about 5.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

I want to be a baker or a chocolatier but that’s not going to happen soon.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My anxiety, sometimes it drives me almost insane and it sucks.

46. Are you reliable?

I believe that I am yes.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Are you still so insecure in yourself?

48. Do you hold grudges?

Not really.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

A panda & a koala to create the ultimate cute fluffy lazy bear.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

I avoid having such conversations so I can’t think of one.

51. Are you a good liar?

No because the people who know me well can figure me out right away.

52. How long could you go without talking?

If I’m by myself very long but if there are other people around me I hate being silent it makes the atmosphere awkward so in that case a few minutes.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

I had curled puffy hair for my high-school graduation and I absolutely hated it.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

One time and it was quite fun, I would like to try that out again.

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

I can but they’re very bad, I’m not good at accents.

56. What do you like on your toast?

Cheese or ham.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

I have no idea, I haven’t drawn in ages.

58. What would be you dream car?

An Aston Martin.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

Sometimes I play with the water but that happens extremely rarely.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

I believe that out there in the universe exist other creatures besides us yes but they’re definitely not green and how they’re depicted in the Hollywood movies.

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

No, I don’t care for horoscopes.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

S, the letter my name begins with.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons because the fantasy novels I’ve read make them sound very cool and majestic.

64. What do you think about babies?

They’re super adorable, cute & sweet. I would love to have a baby some day.

65. If you could marry and live together forever with one of your crushes (doesn't matter whether fictional or a celebrity crush) who would that be?

Probably Alexander Skarsgard because he’s a talented, handsome, intelligent, funny man and wants to have a big family, he’s pretty much the whole package.

[seihou-inner-space]

241221

Spending Christmas at Tia Mari's house. It's been good so far. Fun, but I've been feeling a bit nervous. Luckily, I have my meds. But I don't have anymore sleep meds after tonight. Oops. Still, it's been a good day. I've felt kinda agitated, but not too bad. I've been wondering what Sai and Shikhi have been doing today. Hopefully they had a good day.

I've watched a few random movies (sci-fi) and damn. Two of the movies were really good, but then the last one was mid.

So basically, Finch and Oxygen were good. Awake though? Hm, not that great. The plot was a bit weird, and there some spots were just... okay.

I definitely felt sleep deprived trying to watch that movie. I definitely liked how they showed groups of people going insane from sleep deprivation. The cure idea was kinda a hot mess though.

I know I haven't really talked much about today or the past few days, and that's because I forget and get unmotivated. Really don't feel like doing much. Same as always, right?

Yeah. Let's see what happens tomorrow.

[sirfrogsworth]

The Hot Mess that is Spanking Comments

If you ever want to see a complete shitstorm of internet comments, you need not look any further than a facebook post about spanking. That topic will get people riled up to pure insanity. I’ve never seen anything like it. I’ve never seen a group more motivated and enthusiastic about spanking children before.

I’m not a parent. I don’t feel like I can contribute a strong opinion on the subject. I just know that every single reputable study says that smacking your kid often doesn’t work and has a risk of negative repercussions in the long run. That makes sense to me. I think patience is more powerful than a smack on the butt. But I also know that parenting is exhausting and sometimes patience is in short supply. 

I will acknowledge that there are smacks and there are SMACKS. A few swats on the butt to get a kid’s attention might not be very traumatic. But if you are smacking to cause pain... if you are using pain as your discipline... I feel that is probably a line you shouldn’t cross. 

But, what do I know? I just have a corgi. 

I think the part of the discussion that bothers me is the “My parents did it and I turned out fine.” Your kids are not you. You have to evaluate each individual and determine what forms of discipline are most effective. You cannot just do something because it was done to you. Rites of passage are stupid. Spanking is not a time honored tradition that must be passed on to each generation. Not to mention there are tons of things people used to do to their children that we now know were super messed up. We learned that putting leaches on our kids didn’t improve their health, so we stopped doing that. Some traditions are better left in the past. 

Also, some of these people have a very loose definition of “fine” when you look at their lives. Not all of them actually turned out “fine.” I sometimes look at their facebook profiles and some of these spankers are scary, hostile, angry people. As anecdotal as that may be, I still question how fine these spanked individuals actually turned out.   

Then the discussion turns to “kids these days.” This is probably when I get most annoyed. Apparently “kids these days” are spoiled brats. They don’t respect their elders. They don’t listen. They are lazy and unmotivated. And on and on and on. 

It’s all because their parents didn’t smack them hard enough as kids. Or sometimes it is also participation trophies. Participation trophies have single-handedly destroyed our youth somehow. If you got trophies and were never spanked, you might as well just give up on life. Just sit on the couch and watch Netflix. That is all you are capable of now. Your fate as a “kids these days” is sealed. 

I’ve got news for everyone. “Kids these days” have been around for thousands of years. There have always been spoiled brats. Entitled youths. Lazy, unmotivated people are not a new phenomenon. An analysis of the literature from any period will show examples of “kids these days.” You can blame it on participation trophies and less spanking if you want, but I’m afraid it is just human nature. Sometimes people just turn out shitty and all of the best parenting in the world isn’t going to stop it. We can do a lot to try and make certain people less shitty. But shitty people are going to exist until the end of the human race. Trophies and spanking cannot stop our shitty people problems.

I think part of the problem with “kids these days” is that now they all have instagrams and we are inundated with their shenanigans. We see more of it, so we think the problem is much more dire than it was in the past. Are there more “kids these days” than in the past? Technically, yes. The population continues to grow exponentially. You’d really have to adjust for “kids these days” inflation to get an accurate statistic. 

I suppose the real question is... would there be less “kids these days” if parents had continued smacking their kids at the same rate? 

I have no idea. 

My guess is that smacking does very little to prevent “kids these days.” I think “kids these days” can be somewhat prevented by better parenting. But the idea that smacking alone has the power to change that behavior seems silly. 

I understand that some children are difficult to raise. It happens. Parents are at their wit’s end and willing to try anything. Spanking must be hard to resist for a lot of them. But the science says it is a risk. You might get lucky and have a kid who is never negatively effected. But you are taking a risk that it gives them lifelong issues much more serious than the bad thing they did. The problem is everyone believes it will never happen to them. They are special and different. Their spanking is superior. It will make their kids tough and ready for the realities of life. As God as their witness, their child with the red bottom will not be a “kids these days!” 

In the end, I think spanking is a short term solution. It might resolve the initial incident. Your kid might stop doing that bad thing for a while. But once the memory of that pain fades, they are likely to act out once again. I feel like there must be better long term strategies to more effectively stop bad behavior. Techniques that do not risk the child’s future mental health. 

And I think if you really want to prevent “kids these days” you need to show them the value of hard work. Inspire and motivate them. Encourage kids to seek out passions. Maybe it’s a musical instrument. Or a sport. Or volunteering for a good cause. Find something they can put their heart and soul into. Something they can work diligently at to teach them the amazing feeling you get when achieving a hard-fought goal. They will also learn teamwork. They will learn to respect their adult teachers. They will learn that being lazy often leads to failure. They might even reject being a “kids these days.” 

That’s probably a lot of work though. Might be easier just to spank the kids because apparently it will get the same results. Right?

But like I said. I only have a corgi. What do I know?

[dangilliam]

From my perspective, the only way to make any sense of the daily insanity we are seeing is to factor in some of what have been called "conspiracy theories". Many of these stories may be crazy theories to the uninformed and the unmotivated researcher. But, for those who do their due diligence, it is clear that there is a deep state of corrupted individuals setting agendas and pulling the strings of politicians, the press, and mega-corporations. Blackmail, bribery, and murder have been historically effective methods for keeping all the players in line. I have no doubt these practices have been perfected over the years.

These secret society leaders behind the scenes come from very old money/power families and are generationally committed to the consolidation of world power, resources, and the depopulation of the planet ("for the good of the planet"). They personally own the Federal Reserve and control the central banks and the creation and movement of money worldwide. They own the media. The political clown show on TV is for our distraction and entertainment while Rome burns quietly. It is a humongous conspiracy, one that would be hard to believe if we didn't have so much evidence of this available online. They aren't hiding it. Their plans are out in the open and the openminded can see them. All one need do is read a few published articles (from more than one source) regarding Event 201, Operation Lockstep, Agenda 21, and “Scenarios for the Future of Technology and International Development.” Take a good look at the World Economic Forum web site. Just to cover the bases, also check into the Georgia Guidestones. Reduction of the population is #1 on the list. 

Interestingly, the talk of covid cases and deaths has recently been drowned out by the urgency of the prick deployment and the threat of mutating submarine mines (well, that's what they look like to me). I hear about more jib jab deaths than I do covid deaths these days. I fear this is the plan for doing us in wholesale. And, I have an ominous sense of what is to come for those who refuse the needle. The "unvaccinated" will likely become known as the "unclean" and they will be subsequently blamed for future covid and jib jab deaths. If not already, they will be labeled enemies of the state, or domestic terrorists. They will need to be quarantined and re-educated. 

The compliant will avoid or shame the "unclean" ones for fear of getting sick or in trouble with the mandate enforcers. And though they can't imagine it now, they may even turn "unclean" loved ones in to authorities for "the good of all". This division, like ALL others, has been fanned into flame by the powers that be so that we don't see what is really going on. Students of history are seeing scary similarities to the blueprints and timelines of fascist takeovers in the past. I think one of the biggest conspiracy theories of the day is the statement, "After you all get the shot life can go back to normal". No, our new normal is going to be one of massive adjustment at best and experiences of terror at the worst. All who claim a God would be wise to get reacquainted as this Power is above and beyond all others, yeah even those who would kill us. And Love is our solution to any problem. "God, help us all find our way."