#I have been incapable of being normal about Gertie

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Me, finding all the Fantasy High romances cute but not going crazy for them: Ah, teenage romance. I wish 'em all the best Me, the second Gertie Bladeshield came on screen: YOUR HONOR, IF KRISTEN APPLEBEES DOES NOT MARRY HER I WILL

[plantedandgrowing]

Day 3 of Attempting My Daily Routine:

· Waking up at 7:45am - didn't get to sleep till about 2am, and it wasn't great sleep.

· Brushed teeth, rinsed face.

· 8:13am - just finished yoga for sore muscles. Moisturized since I seem incapable of doing it at nighttime.

· Straightened up the kitchen (threw trash away from roommates, put dishes in the sink), and we had breakfast. Lyla had pureed pears and baby oatmeal. I had a toasted sandwich w/ chicken, ham, and cheese; we're out of eggs.

· 9:12am - Lyla was acting very sleepy so now I'm nursing her.

· She wokeup at about 10am. We fed and watered the chickens. I cleaned out my roommates' 4-year-old's toybox (it was full of trash, some dirty dishes, and literal dirt and bark from trees because her parents used to use that tote for their fireplace wood and it suddenly became her toybox when she started throwing her toys in it - it was a whole mess).

· 11:30am - Nursing Lyla again (she napped till nearly 1pm)

· 1:02pm - I made a checklist thing for the household so we'll all know if the chickens have been fed by someone.

And went back into the kitchen to find more trash on the counters, more dirty dishes strewn around although I picked everything up this morning. I cleared the counters again while holding Lyla - she's being extra clingy today. It's always a bit of a struggle to get things done, but today it's gonna be even more of a battle.

· 2:17pm - Washed all the dishes.

· 2:30pm - Instead of doing day 2 of my 30 day exercise challenge, I've been exercising while playing with Lyla. She likes to jump so I lift her up and down. I put her on my shins/knees and lifted my legs up and down, then did sort-of crunches. She smiles and giggles, it's adorable and great motivation.

· 5:30pm - I've continued watching The Queen's Gambit. Went on a ride to town with my roommate. Ate some Cajun pasta - too much of it, actually. And now I'm nursing my daughter while she naps on me.

I'm feeling very low-energy today.

· 10:38pm - I just got Lyla to sleep. It has been a rough night. To explain what has happened since 5pm, I played with Lyla, tried to do schoolwork during one of her naps but she immediately wokeup upset, I soothed her and we went downstairs. I talked to my roommates. We ate some biscuits and gravy - Lyla had a few tiny bites, too. Blew bubbles so Lyla could see them for the first time, she was mesmerized. I managed to do a little schoolwork while Lyla crawled around and played with toys, but it was short-lived. We eventually went upstairs because she seemed tired, I planned on doing schoolwork while nursing her, but she proceeded to put up a huge fight. I was becoming extremely irritated and worn out but I decided to try reading to her. I read Gertie and Gus (another book I got from that public library sale when I was pregnant - it's the first book I started reading to her when she was a newborn, about 3-5 weeks old; I've read it a lot), and then I read Coraline. She fell asleep while I was reading, with her paci... Which is extremely rare! She's sleeping on me right now, I'm not ready to move her and risk another baby meltdown.

· 11:05pm - I managed to brush my teeth and floss.

I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. My muscles hurt, it's a literal pain to go up and down the stairs. I'm not sure if Lyla has been more difficult than usual today or if I'm just not in a great mood, or both. I think it's both. Normally I can easily handle her moods but tonight everything really got to me and I cried out of frustration. I then decided to try reading to her... Luckily she allowed it, despite a little protest at first.

Not sure if I'll be following the routine on weekends, might need a little break from all the constant cleaning and everything, it wears on me and sometimes makes me feel negative because no one else picks up after themselves, it's never-ending.

I may at least sleep in a bit. If I don't clean at all, there will just be an exessive mess for me on Monday... But I might mostly use my "free-time" this weekend to play with my baby, do schoolwork, and relax.

[in-tua-deep]

How do you think things would have changed if Five has come back even younger than in canon? Like if he came back as 7 or 8 or even younger? Also, I love your writing. You’re an amazing writer and I love reading your stuff.

first of all that would be hilarious because as much as media has tricked you into thinking older child actors (who are easier to work with) are younger (I mean case in point, Five is supposed to be thirteen but the actor is fifteen and those two years can make a big difference at that age) or animated movies can’t decide on a size for their character, but for real seven-year-olds in real life are BABIES

that’s like. the equivalent of a second grader?? I think i was about to go into year three living in the netherlands. I thought the year six kids were ancient. I didn’t care about bodily harm and would just hurl myself into cartwheels and handstands (nowadays not so much)

That was about the age I was losing teeth for the Very First Time and also the age I almost gave myself a concussion playing on the playground equipment (I blacked out and woke up in the nurses office lmao) and I thought the singing talents of Sandy from Hamtaro were the greatest in the world (the twirling ribbon song was formative for me)

seven was also the age for me that i realized that romance was The Worst because my best friend george decided that the pulling pigtails version of bugging me was a sure fire way to get my attention or something like that. but like,, george and me had chicken pox together. we pretended we were cheetahs in our treetop bunkbed nest together (we had a very loose grasp of the difference between cheetahs and jaguars and other big cats, admittedly). He was my best friend he didn’t need to pull my hair or anything rip

like can you even IMAGINE if five came back as a second grader?? yeah like maybe someone would serve thirteen-year-old Five black coffee but no one is going to just hand this baby child anything with caffeine are you kidding me

his feet wouldn’t even be able to reach the peDALS OF THE CAR

wow this would inconvenience him so much

i can’t even find a picture of my brother that young smh but here’s him and me when he was? probably about nine or ten and I was actually probably about six and smiling with a closed mouth to hide the fact that i was missing teeth or something smh

that is TWO WHOLE BABIES right there i’m just genuinely dying at the thought of Five popping out and he’s just. a gradeschooler. that suit would have been swimming on him and he’s got little chubby cheeks built to absorb shock and whatever atrocious child haircut he had at that age 

(i have posted before about my genuine shock that five was ten in the comics. ten!! that’s a whole baby! a child! W H A T)

but?? does he pop up from jumping through his portal and look in the mirror and find that he’s missing some teeth? Can he whistle air through the gaps? i’m just picturing seven-year-old five getting socked in the face and losing some teeth or something and diego is right there to patronizingly tell him that it’s okay they’re probably just baby teeth and five is about to punch diego’s teeth out in a second if he keeps that up by jove

imagine five jumping and standing on the counter and he still can’t reach the marshmallows because they’re on the top shelf of the cupboard do you know how angry that would make him?? he would have about 60% less time for his siblings bullshit than normal because his small stature can only hold so much emotion at any one time and he has decided to go with seething rage for the foreseeable future

can you imagine how difficult that would be for Allison though?? Five at thirteen was bad but Five-at-around-Claire’s-age??? a billion times worse and she’s probably going to either be super avoidant because it’s painful or full on protective mama bear

it would definitely change a lot of plot stuff because i mean. no one’s going to let this tiny child drive. he can’t reach the pedals, duh. however, he might persuade one of the siblings (diego and klaus, probably) to drive him to griddy’s instead? Because with the options being “so help me i will walk there myself. alone. at night. as a small and innocent looking child” and driving him and keeping him company i think the latter wins out

(i’d nix griddy’s altogether but i’m way too invested in hazel and agnes getting together tbh)

hey wait does being that young mean that five doesn’t have his umbrella tattoo?? huh. well regardless if diego and klaus accompany him then the plot point of agnes telling the assassin squad about the tattoo can still happen so i guess it’s a moot point

but honestly the drama of having this tiny child just. completely annihilate the hit squad is hilarious to me, and it would also hit home the fact that hey! five might be telling the truth about everything and isn’t messed up by time travel! i mean whomst the fuck else would walk into a room and zero in on the seven-year-old no one else knows exists or is assumed dead by literally the whole ass world (and even if they didn’t he’s supposed to be 29) and demand he come with them and shit like man

Klaus: hey five what do you have

Five, stabbing his own arm to take the tracking device out: a knife

Diego: NO

other fun points include: the siblings bodily picking five up and five behaving like a very aggressive small breed of dog while simultaneously being super touch-starved and secretly appreciating being carried but would never admit it (whilst sober that is)

either they kept the old uniforms and five wears that or they have to scrounge up whatever they can find which means that five is dressed in some of claire’s clothes allison found stuffed in the bottom of her suitcase until they can go shopping and i’m not sure which is better tbh

hazel and cha-cha assuming that five is actually either diego or klaus bc those were the two adults in the coffee shop with the umbrella tattoo and eventually being confronted with the fact that their legendary adversary is a gradeschooler

five just being. so tired. all the time. my bedtime at seven years old was probably like. 8:30PM. kids need a lot of sleep!! so just five trying to keep himself awake because he has important stuff to do!! but doing the nod and bob because he can’t keep his eyes open

the trying-to-be-helpful but mildly-condescending strangers who stop five or talk down to him increase by tenfold. Teenagers out an about on the street along? eh. a seven-year-old? five is going to get so many concerns “where are your parents, sweetheart?” that he IS going to snap and kill a well meaning middle aged woman in the middle of the street

in a similar note the number of people who assume that he is the child of whatever sibling he happens to be in proximity to also increases tenfold and five does Not Appreciate This (and neither do half the siblings tbh bc now they have to pretend that they are responsible for this tiny feral child)

“FUCK” five says, loudly, prompting gasps from the delicate natured passerbys. 

“you can’t fucking say that, dude, you’re like. a baby.” klaus says, equally loudly and making everyone in earshot 70% more scandalized

“I am not associated with them” diego informs the masses with an edge of desperation

luther is just. so massive next to this tiny version of five. he could hold him in like, one hand. and maybe luther at one point was really good with kids but with his new body he’s awkward and it’s very sad

no one bats an eye at child Five toting an Entire Half of a Mannequin that is probably as big as he is around. Billy’s kid is currently emotionally attached to a brick he found in the alley behind his school. Gertie’s granddaughter refuses to leave the house without an old sock filled with pebbles tucked under her arm. Gary’s stepkid found a piece of driftwood on the beach and now it’s in their bed every night. Kids are weird and at least Five’s has a face for him to talk to i guess??

instead of luther threatening dolores he just looks at five with this gun that is way too big for him to have a hold of really and just. reaches out and scoops five up under his armpits and he’s just furiously wiggling and growling and luther is like “nope not putting you down until we agree that murder is not a solution”

every interaction with the handler is probably about 112% more creepy honestly but also what about the job?? either five a) gets an appropriately child sized desk like the ones you find in an actual gradeschool or b) he gets some kind of boosterseat for his chair and just has to sit at this desk that is comically oversized for him

the squad go to a restaurant and the server brings over the menus and hands five a children’s menu. without a word klaus just plucks it from five’s hands and substitutes it for his own because they have been kicked out of six whole restaurants and he is willing to eat the children’s chicken nugget meal if he had to god damn it

the apocalypse doesn’t happen because vanya is literally incapable of hurting a grade schooler right in front of her regardless of how pissed off at her family in general she is. that is a whole child. vanya works with children for her job. she can’t hurt an entire child in front of her?? like she can destroy the world and all the abstract children but this one child right in front of her? who is also her long lost brother and former sole confidant as children who wasn’t there for any of the general bullshit she just went through?? not so much

but like. even after the stop the apocalypse there’s still the issue of what to do with this entire child. like at least as a teenager five would be able to be somewhat independent but seven-year-old five can’t reach the sink to wash his hands without a step stool 

just the squad coming together to look after five without quite letting five know that’s what they’re doing because they don’t want to wake up to a knife in their chest or anything smh

five and claire meet and become an unstoppable duo of terror. patrick is an actually competent parent who is so exhausted 24/7 from raising his daughter that he just accepts five immediately because?? his brother-in-law being a time travelling 58-year-old in the body of a grade schooler who is partially feral from over forty years alone and probably has untreated ptsd? okay might as well happen

patrick “i didn’t trust allison with a child and yet i still trust her way more than the rest of you so i’m going to schedule five a doctor’s appointment or something because god knows he’s probably not up to date on his vaccinations and he’s hanging around claire and i doubt any of y’all even thought about that” hargreeves

the hargreeves all go to an amusement park as a family bonding activity. the mistake becomes clear when it’s revealed that five is too short to go on half the rides. the resulting meltdown gets them all kicked out and Diego just has five tossed over his shoulder still hurling insults at the ride attendant as they hoof it out of there

the family has to figure out everywhere they can go within walking distance because there’s still a cold war going on between allison and five over whether he has to be in a booster seat for any car rides or not

it’s basically just shenanigans with the family and five trying to figure out how to coexist and compromise and also look after one another when it’s been every man for themself pretty much all their lives