#I have anxieties and doubts still of course but I am around people who like me

[glindyupland]

.

[asuyaka]

GUESS WHO'S CLASSES ARE FINALLY OVER GIRLIES💃💃

Damn, it's been a heck of a while since I last came back to this blog--

Anyways! I've been following the new JJK episodes(I am not fine and it's all Mahito's fault.), so to put a bandage on his gap in my chest, how about some reverse comfort shot for our boy Yuuji during the Shibuya arc? Heaven knows he's in need of it. The prompt would be that he's having the meltdown/panic attack after regaining control over his body after Sukuna raised hell on the city(along with all the memories that come with it) and his lover finds him crying on the ground and rushes to comfort him and ground him.

I just want my boy to get a hug goddamn it, Gege won't give him any breaks😭

- Sincerely, '🌈' Anon.

★ - 'm honestly haven't watched the new episode yet (prayin' s'the "I'm you." timeline !!) but, 100% agree! 'm boy needs a break !! (gege is cruel (；′⌒`) )

☆ - Itadori Yuuji x Reader!

♡ - 'm sososososo glad t'see you again 🌈 !! 've lowkey been burnin' out, but 'm glad you're here !! <;33 （〃｀ 3′〃）| listenin' to... Skyfall

Good God— you don't know how you're alive right now.

The stench of curses and blood permeated the air, dried blood from curse users and curses stuck your hair to your face; heavy breaths leaving your lips as you looked around for any familiar faces.

Shibuya is in shambles, nothing more and nothing less. Dead civilians and auxiliary managers litter the streets, and several cars and buildings are smashed and flipped on their sides.

"Fuck," you wheeze, holding onto the scar that stretches to two separate sides of your face.

Your ribs are most definitely bruised or broken— there's no doubt about it. Your ankle is a bit sprained and you can't hear anything from your left ear.

You're really looking for Yuuji, you're lovable, and sometimes (a lot of the time) oblivious boyfriend. It's a bit biased, you know. Though Yuuji is at the top of your priority list, you really just want to find anybody who came to Shibuya with Gojo.

An earth-shattering sound makes its way through your ear(s). You turn around sharply, staring in shock as a few inches away from your foot is completely gone.

There's a presence you've felt ever since you woke up and you more or less guessed it was Sukuna.

If you had moved one step ahead, you would've died by what you assumed was Sukuna's domain.

Sukuna.

Your eyes widen as they stare at the crater formed by the King of Curses' domain. There's no way people aren't dead.

Yuuji.

"Oh fuck, Yuuji?!" Your anxiety goes haywire as you force your body to move. Even though every bone in your body aches in pain, pushed to its limit and beyond during the plethora of curses you've fought, you move.

Your heartbeat accelerates as your breaths get shorter. As fast as you run around the perimeter of the crater, you still haven't found Yuuji. Yuuji and his boyish smile every time you get him a gift, Yuuji, and his airy laugh whenever he sees something that manages to get him just right.

Yuuji and, his adorable love for movies, Yuuji, and his bright demeanor, able to make almost anyone fall under his spell.

Yuuji, who you find scratching at the road with tears falling down his eyes, wailing about how he should be the one to die.

It's right then and there, that your heart breaks.

Forgetting about the pain in your body, you rush over to where Yuuji was a heavy exhale, tears brimming your eyes and throbbing pain coursing through your body.

He turns to look at you with eyes that don't look like your boy, that don't look like Yuuji. He looks as if he's seen a ghost —like he didn't expect someone he knew to still be alive.

"You're alive...?" His voice is hoarse like he's dehydrated. It's missing its usual animated tone, his normal light voice, and his smile — fuck his smile.

"Yuuji," You exhale. "Yuuji, you're alive, fuck— you're alive." You get closer, and your body finally collapses on you. You're able to feel the emotions you forced yourself to push down the minute you stepped into the veil encasing Shibuya.

The hurt when you saw people you hold near to your heart die in front of you, the pain every time you felt your bones cracking, or the feeling of your skin stretching to accommodate the wound that was bound to form a scar stretching across your face.

Yuuji backs away from you, his fingers leaving a bloody trail from where you found him scratching at the road. "No! Get away from me— I'll try and kill you too!"

He'll... try and kill you?

Yuuji hangs his head in his arms as he curls into himself, seemingly trying to make his body as small as normal. "I'm nothing but a murderer! No matter what I do— or what I try to do— I just," He interrupts himself with a hiccup, blood mixed with tears leaking from the bottom of his face.

"I can't help anybody! I killed innocent people, I shouldn't be allowed to live!"

Yuuji continues to cry, his bloody fingers gripping his now dirtied pink hair.

Gently, as to not make him pull away from you, your arms wrap around his body. He refuses, trashing in your hold as he begs for you to let go of him, to distance yourself from him in case Sukuna somehow manages to take control again.

"Yuuji." You say softly, letting your coarse arms run through his hair.

He doesn't respond. Though he isn't struggling to move, he still remains unresponsive. "Yuuji, you aren't a monster."

He shakes his head furiously. "I killed them with my own—"

"Sukuna killed them, not you." You mutter softly. Even though you don't know the whole story, you know Yuuji, your Yuuji, would never kill innocent people.

"Yuuji, you aren't a murderer. You aren't a murderer."

Yuuji sobs into your shoulder, his bloody fingers gripping tightly against your shirt. "I'm sorry— I'm sorry!"

You keep your voice soft, softly running through his hair and rubbing circles on his back as well. "It wasn't your fault, 's okay..."

You reassure him, keep telling him that he wasn't a murderer, that he wouldn't kill innocent people on purpose, and little by little you think he's believing you.

"We, we have to go find everyone else," Yuuji says. His voice is drier if that's possible and his eyes feel so sunken, they don't feel like Yuuji. You don't hold that against him, he just went through a traumatic experience and obviously he isn't going to be the same boy you're used to.

Your shoulder is wet, and Yuuji's blood is staining your back. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Yuuji nods. Though it doesn't feel all the way true, it doesn't feel fake either. You press a tiny peck on his cheek, showing him a smile to let him know that he isn't alone.

As long as you were there with him, he'll never be alone.

"Fushiguro is... is [Name] still alive?" Itadori asks, sitting across from Yuta, divided by their makeshift fireplace.

Fushiguro averts his eyes with a guilty look on his face as he shakes his head.

"Oh."

Itadori Yuuji is alone.

He's lost his best friend, Nobara, his mentor (practically his father), Nanamin, Todo lost his technique because of him, and now, he's lost the one person who he truly felt like he could fall back on.

The one person who saw him at his lowest, and somehow brought him back from that.

"Oh."

He's alone.

And he genuinely doesn't know how he can cope without the help of his lover, his [Name].

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 40

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words : 5k

TW : Homophobia

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Monday, January 18th; 7:50 AM - School Grounds.

Anxiety slowly takes over me. I’m about to meet my new class in a few minutes. Fortunately, I won’t be doing it alone. Both  Leah and  Lotte are accompanying me on this new adventure, thank God. I would have gone crazy otherwise. As if I hadn’t already had a disastrous night… Nothing is ever normal at home anyway. Everything always happens at once. My nightmares came back stronger than ever. I found myself drenched in sweat in my little bed at three in the morning. I was lucky not to have woken up Lucy. I was in a terrible state. I even had to get up and change. I think she noticed I wasn’t wearing the same pajamas this morning, but she didn’t ask me about it. She’s understood my need for space since her rejection. I don’t want to deal with her until I’ve sorted things out in my head. It’s painful, but I have to look at things positively... I’ve finally granted her wish to sleep in separate beds. Even though it worked against me last night, it’s also what I want now. It was a mistake to get used to being in her arms. I should have known better. I suddenly remembered why I keep my distance from people. But now it’s too late. Too late to regret what’s been done. The problem is, I’ve become dependent on her. That’s an undeniable fact. I found myself lying in bed staring at the ceiling, unable to fall back asleep. Her steady breathing calmed me, reminding me that I wasn’t alone, but I still couldn’t sleep. The realization that it was her, her presence against me, that I missed completely overwhelmed me. I had never reached this stage with anyone before, not even Mapi. Instead of swallowing my pride by waking her up or joining her, I locked myself in the bathroom and slid down to the floor. I was on the verge of breaking down, realizing the situation I was in. Everything hit me all at once, and I hadn’t seen it coming. I let her into my life, and now there’s no turning back. I could have cried out in sheer pain, but I didn’t. I held it in because I had no right to do otherwise. I put myself in this situation. The rest of the night gave me plenty of time to reflect with my tormented mind. I ended up spending the rest of the night on that floor until it was time to sneak back to my bed. I didn’t want  Lucy to notice my suspicious absence. My plan worked, and it’s likely to be very effective next time. Though, I doubt my body can endure this for long. I’m already struggling now. I noticed dark circles in the mirror this morning, and my eyes sting.  Lucy couldn’t see them. I rushed to the bathroom as soon as the alarm rang to cover my face with foundation.

“Relax,  Ona,”  Leah chuckles, pulling me out of my thoughts. “You’re acting like we’re going to a funeral. Your stress is palpable from miles away.”

“You’re funny,” I grumbled. “You both know everyone here, unlike me. It feels like I’m starting school all over again.”

“You weren’t even this tense when you first arrived here,” she mocks.

“I didn’t care about being here back then,” I say, shrugging. “Remember, I was looking for a way out.”

“Not anymore?”  Lotte asks.

“Looks like things change.”

“Little Batlle is evolving!”  Leah jokes. “I thought we’d finally get to see a rebel.”

“Pff, nonsense. Of course, Bronze managed to train her student again.”

That unknown voice was harsh. I look around to find the person who dared to listen in on our conversation. I spot a student I don’t know at all. She seems to be mocking me.

“Got a problem?” I reply.

“Me?” she answers, feigning outrage. “Not at all. I was just saying  Bronze succeeded again in taming the camp princess.”

I furrow my brow. Camp princess? What kind of nonsense is this? How do the students know that nickname? An inexplicable rage builds up inside me. So this is what they think of me here? That I was a little rebel that  Lucy managed to tame? If Alessia hadn’t had her hand on my arm, I would have grabbed her collar by now to make her regret her words.

“Let it go, Athenea,” scoffs a girl who just arrived. “The rumors about her must be true. She’s probably a lesbian who can’t resist the charms of our dear instructor.”

I clench my fists so tightly that my knuckles turn white as snow. This is really not the time to provoke me about that. I take a deep breath, telling myself they don’t know what they’re talking about, but that girl’s smug smile is infuriating. Looks like I’ve already found someone to despise in my new class.

“Let it go, Ona. Let them think what they want.”

I take Alessia’s advice and turn my back on those two troublemakers. I’m not going to stoop to their level by getting provoked. They’re just trying to irritate me, but I won’t give them that satisfaction. The best response is to ignore them. I was ready to continue our conversation until I felt a presence behind me.

“By the way, my name is Korbin,” she whispers in my ear. “You’re going to remember my name very quickly with all the trouble I’m going to cause you… filthy dyke.”

She walks past me, turning around to give me one last malicious smile before entering our classroom. Great. This couldn’t have started any better. She clearly doesn’t know who she’s messing with.

“We should go inside,” Alessia gently reminds me.

I nod without taking my eyes off the doors she just walked through.

“Are you okay?” she murmurs.

I sigh, nodding again while trying to hide my slight tremors. This is the first time I’ve experienced a direct homophobic remark. She pats my shoulder before I follow her into our new classroom. Most of the seats are already taken. Luckily,  Leah and Lotte got in before us and saved us seats in the back. I sit next to Alessia, taking the spot by the window. I take out my supplies and put my bag on the floor, then lean against the wall to get a view of my new class. I quickly spot the infamous Korbin, who gives me a twisted smile. Looks like I’ll have to find out more about this girl.

“Good morning, everyone, to your new Business Management class,” my new teacher’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts. “I’m Mr. Tompson, your new homeroom teacher for the rest of the year.”

I’m surprised to see a young teacher at the front of the class. He’s nothing like any teacher I’ve had before. I’d guess he’s in his early thirties at most. He has a certain charm with his slight beard and tousled chestnut hair.

“I’ll be your management teacher for the rest of the year. We’ll start off slowly by taking roll,” he continues as he heads to his desk. “Just so you know, I have notes on each of you from your previous teachers as well as instructors. This will help your new teachers and me to understand you quickly.”

 Lucy didn’t mention anything about that… Damn. I’m going to be labeled right from the start. I wasn’t particularly liked by my previous teachers.

“Well, let’s get to roll call,” he says, sitting down. “I want to put faces to the names I’ve read about.”

I sink into my chair as he calls the first name on the list. I glance at Alessia, who smiles at me. I was disappointed not to be in the same class as Alexia for the rest of the year, but maybe this will give me a chance to get closer to others. It might be a blessing in disguise. Maybe I’ll be able to forget  Lucy in the process. I furrow my brow when Alessia nudges me.

“ Batlle, Ona?”

“Sorry,” I say aloud, realizing what’s happening. “Here!”

I look my teacher straight in the eye. His are a very plain brown. He gives me a warm smile. I feel like he’s judging me in some way.

“So you’re the famous  Ona I’ve heard so much about,” he says. “I have mixed opinions about you,” he tells me. “A lot of people seem to believe in you. Let’s see how that turns out.”

“She must have slept with Bronze to get positive remarks,” the bitch from earlier snickers.

“Shut up!” I snap without thinking.

I glare at her to emphasize my words. She just smiles at me maliciously. This girl is pure poison, it’s unreal. Many laugh at her stupid joke. I really didn’t need any more rumors about me on top of everything else.

“Hey, that’s enough!” the teacher shouts. “Quiet down,” he demands, silencing the class. “There’s no place for that kind of remark here, got it?! Next time, you’ll explain your inappropriate comments to the principal.”

“Oh, come on, I was just joking,” she giggles.

“Real funny,” I growl.

- "I said that's enough!" he lectures. "I’m going to finish taking attendance, and then we’ll start the lesson right away as a punishment."

Discontented sighs are heard. They better not even try to blame me. The entire class acted childishly. I rest my head against the palm of my hand until attendance is over. I feel like this day is going to be even longer than I expected. My lack of sleep isn’t helping, but it’s best if I don’t draw attention to myself on the first day. Once attendance is over, he follows through on his threat by starting the lesson. This day isn’t much different from other Mondays. My schedule is almost identical. It’s just the content that changes. Today we have two hours of management, then two hours of math. Since it’s the first day, the hours pass more quickly. The teachers take their time getting into the thick of things. We lost half an hour in each subject listening to their spiel and their attendance list, as they don’t know most of us. Finally, lunch arrives. I was chatting with Alessia on the way to the cafeteria until a brown-haired bundle jumps on me, making me lose the little balance I have. I catch her by the thighs to prevent us from falling to the ground.

- "Oh my Onita, I missed you so much!"

- "Alexia," I chuckle. "It was just a morning!"

- "That’s already way too long. I want to see my crazy friend in class!"

I laugh as she hugs me tighter. This position must look hilarious to the others. It’s exactly what I needed after this disastrous start to the day.

- "Putellas, get down immediately," a voice I know too well commands.

My roommate must still be traumatized by Lucy to have listened so quickly. I turn to see her with a stern expression on her face. I simply adjust my backpack properly, then turn on my heel towards the cafeteria with Alexia, who places her arm over my shoulders.

- "Is there any tension in the air with Bronze?" she asks hesitantly.

- "We’ll talk about it later," I reply simply. "How was your morning otherwise?"

- "Calm... Too calm," she sighs. "I really missed you. Plus, I’m with Alba now. I have to behave seriously."

- "Oh, don’t say that," I laugh. "I’m sure she’s not as serious as she pretends to be, little Alba."

- "Oh, not her... But she makes sure that I am."

- "Hey! I’m not that bad," replies Alba, who must have overheard us.

- "Prove us wrong then," I challenge her. "Let your sister live a little!"

- "Well, she lived with you! She only had comments about talking too much in her file."

- "Oh, they gave you your comments? We weren’t so lucky. They only said they couldn’t agree on me."

- "Not surprising," Alba mocks. "Do you have a good class?" she continues.

- "Eh. I have a bitch who’s taken me as a scapegoat."

- "What’s her name?"

- "Korbin, if I remember correctly."

- "Ouch..." she comments. "Avoid her as much as possible. She’s a pain."

- "I noticed. Do you know her? If so, you’ll need to tell me everything you know about her."

- "No problem," she smiles. "We’ll talk about it at the table."

She winks at me before moving forward in line. I realize this is the first sensible conversation I’ve had with Alba. I mean, I talk to everyone around the table, but never one-on-one. The only people who’ve had that privilege are Alexia and Leah. They were the only ones I focused on because I feel close to them. I regret not opening up more to others. I now understand what Mapi meant when she said I was so hooked on Lucy that I could barely talk about my friends. In reality, I gave her so much importance that I didn’t give the same to the other people around me. I think this distance will show me all the things I’ve been missing out on.

Monday, January 18; 5:00 PM - Classroom

I pack up my things as soon as the Alba rings. I absolutely hate my first classes. I just endured two hours of accounting, and I’d be lying if I said I understood anything. It’s a subject that bores me so much that I don’t wait for permission to start packing my bag. I’m the first one standing when the teacher gives the green light to leave.

“In a rush?” Alessia asks, holding me back.

“Uh, yeah. I need to see Wiegman about something personal. I’ll catch up with you in the common room when I’m done.”

“Didn’t you say you’d study in Bronze’ office after your classes?”

“Oh, right. I changed my mind. I’ll study with you guys, so you can help me with what I didn’t understand if that’s okay.”

“No, not at all. I’d be happy to.”

“Cool,” I say with a small smile. “See you later then.”

I quickly escape from that hellish classroom, heading straight to Wiegman’s office as I mentioned. I know the way perfectly, having been there several times already. I don’t hesitate to knock on the

 door. I open it when I’m given permission to do so.

“Good aft-”

I stop in my tracks when I see not one, but two pairs of eyes staring at me.

“Well, hello,  Ona. What brings you here?”

“I wanted to discuss something with you. I can come back later if I’m interrupting.”

“Don’t be silly, we were just finishing up,” she says. “Come sit next to your supervisor. It shouldn’t bother you to talk in front of her, right?”

She couldn’t have picked a worse time to be here. I must be cursed; there’s no other explanation. Having no other choice, I shake my head before closing the door behind me. I move as slowly as possible to the empty chair next to  Lucy, placing my bag between my legs. My pulse quickens, and I can’t control it.

“What did you want to discuss?” she asks.

How did I end up in this situation? I should have left. The topic I want to discuss isn’t one I should address in front of  Lucy. Anxiety takes over me. I lower my head to avoid facing them directly, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling their eyes on me. I shake my head briefly to regain my composure. Her presence should not influence my decision. I’ve had enough time to think it over during the night. I take a deep breath. I’m ready to defend my point if necessary.

“I want to go back to my room,” I blurt out like a bombshell.

With my eyes lowered, I can’t see their reactions. Judging by the silence that follows, I doubt it’s a good one. Surprise, maybe. I gather my courage and raise my head to indeed see that expression on their faces, at least on Wiegman’s.

“I’m feeling better,” I assert confidently. “I still have restless nights, but I’m not having any more episodes. I’ve already caused enough trouble for those around me because of my personal issues.”

Laughter fills the room. I quickly regret meeting my supervisor’s gaze. It’s hard and filled with anger.

“Are you kidding me?” she hisses. “Are we talking about those dark circles under your eyes? You can hide them all you want, but it doesn’t work with me. I absolutely do not agree with this room change.”

And there it is, as expected. I’m screwed. Damn observant! I thought she hadn’t noticed. We both turn to Wiegman, waiting for his decision. She scratches his head while observing us closely. I’ve noticed it’s a habit when she’s thinking. She looks back and forth between us before finally focusing on me.

“Why do you want this change, Ona?”

“I’ve already troubled my supervisor enough. She’s losing sleep because of me, and I don’t want that to continue.”

“She volunteered for this. She’s doing it willingly. Unless you’ve changed your mind, Ms.  Bronze?”

I sense agitation next to me. She’s probably seething right now. I won’t come out unscathed from this meeting.

“Absolutely not,” she growls.

“Good. In that case, it’s up to you to decide what’s best for your student.”

“Her episodes are unpredictable,” she responds. “There’s no way she can return to her room right now.”

The tone she uses sends shivers down my spine. I don’t even dare look at her anymore. She’s going to hate me after this… Maybe that’s what I was aiming for when I made this decision. I raise my eyes to our principal when she speaks again.

“So the matter is settled,” she says, causing my shoulders to slump in defeat. “Don’t feel embarrassed about such small things,  Ona. We’re here to help you, don’t forget that. We were just talking about the remarkable progress you’ve made in your behavior.”

“Um… right,” I respond indifferently. “Can I go now? My friends are waiting for me.”

- "Yes, of course, you can go."

- "Thank you for seeing me. Goodbye."

I stand up and sling my bag over my shoulder. I head for the door, feeling the weight of  Lucy's eyes on my back.

- "You can leave too, Miss Bronze. We were finished."

I suddenly pale. Damn! I hear her thank Wiegman as I make a run for it to get out of there. I was on a good track until I heard her after slamming the door.

- "Not so fast, Batlle!"

Ouch. It's not a good sign when she uses my last name. I do the exact opposite of what she asked, running towards the exit. I was about to reach the door when  Lucy couldn't control her momentum in the chase and ended up crashing into me as I stopped. Her body pins mine against the door before she grabs me by the collar of my jacket. She forcibly drags me to a room I recognize as the restroom when we arrive. She immediately locks the door behind us to prevent me from escaping.

- "What the hell is your problem?" I snap.

- "My problem?!" she exclaims. "What about yours? You've been avoiding me like the plague since this morning! You haven't said a word to me, and now I find you in Wiegman's office asking for a room change? When exactly were you planning to tell me, huh?"

I've never seen her this angry before. She's so red with rage that I don't even dare to speak. I'm paralyzed. She seems to notice my fear because she closes her eyes for a moment. I could have taken the opportunity to slip away if she weren't standing in front of the door. I don't feel ready to face her now. I probably never will be. But I know she won't let me out of here without getting her answers, thanks to those two determined emerald jewels of hers.

- "Answer me. Explain yourself, or... I don't know. Do something!"

Her tone is harsh, and she's losing patience.  Lucy has never been someone who loses patience. My silence is affecting her more than I imagined. I lower my head, trying to come up with some reasonable excuse for what I've done, but what's the point? There’s none that can replace the truth.

- "I-I can't,  Lucy."

- "Can't what?"

- "Act like nothing happened! You rejected me, and I accept that, but... But don't blame me for distancing myself. I've been hurt by rejection enough in my life. I don't want it to happen again."

Her shoulders slump at my response. It was like she just realized the consequences of her decision.

- " Ona..." she says in a strangely calmer voice. "I-"

- "No, shut up. I don't care about the reasons, okay? I don't even know if there are any, but I understood your choice. You can't or you won't. I don't know, but the result is the same. Either way, I can't let myself develop any further feelings for you."

- "It's my fault we've come to this... I should have maintained my professionalism and avoided giving you false hope."

I laugh bitterly. I don't regret how I feel about her at all. It's her reaction I regret. I say nothing, preferring to play along with her.

- "Yeah, maybe you should have, but it's too late now."

- "I never wanted things to get to this point,  Ona. I-I thought we could stay friends, that I could help you. That's all I was trying to do."

- "You don't get it," I spit out.

She doesn't understand that it's her that I need, the relationship she's denying me. She reignited something in me that had been destroyed in my downward spiral. I'd never felt as good as I did with her by my side. I take a deep breath as I see her watching me curiously. If she thinks I'm going to make it easy for her by saying all this, she's dreaming. Who knows why she doesn’t want me? Maybe she’s seeing someone else, like that girl from the other night. They seemed close and she was pretty cute. I shake my head to get that image out of my mind. It’s none of my business.

- "Forget it. I-I... You know, today I realized that I've deprived myself of so much by focusing on you. I never wanted to feel these things for you, but it's not something you can control. I can't turn back now. Just when I thought I had finally discovered the real you..." I murmur thoughtfully.

- "Nothing is stopping us from continuing..." she murmurs, almost desperately.

- "N-no... I-I'm really sorry... B-but, I need to step back. That’s all I’m asking. If you care about me even a little, then... Stay out of my life until I need you again."

These words hurt, but it's the only solution I've found if I don't want to lose her entirely and waste the progress I've made. Running away has always been my way of protecting myself. I know  Lucy can understand that. She’s always been able to read me with unsettling ease. That’s probably why she looks so sad. She knows it’s the only way to keep me intact. She’s the one who transformed me, but she could also be the one who destroys me in the blink of an eye. That thought terrifies me. I should never have gotten so attached to her or developed these feelings. And then my friends wonder why I don’t open up anymore. It was to avoid moments like this that I stopped trusting new people. I should have kept going down that path. You always end up disappointed, even with someone as perfect as  Lucy.

- "Okay," she resigns. "I want you to know that I never wanted things to get to this point, but I'll give you the space you need so I don’t lose you completely..."

I avoid looking at her so she doesn’t see how much her words affect me and how they sting my heart. She doesn't even try to stop me or change my mind. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive her for putting barriers between us. No matter what she says, I know our relationship isn’t meaningless to her. Or maybe it is. Maybe I’ve been wrong all along.

- "Thank you for respecting my choice..." I say, not without difficulty.

- "It’s not without conditions."

My jaw tightens. How dare she ask something of me? Seeing that I’m not planning to respond, she continues.

- "I’ll give you the space you need, but you’re still sleeping in my room. I’m also offended that you wanted to talk to Wiegman about it before consulting me."

- "To forget about this whole thing, I need to cut ties completely..." I admit. "I knew you’d never let me leave, which is why I went to her directly without consulting you."

- "I figured as much, but that’s not going to happen," she says, frowning. "No matter what happened between us, there’s no way I’m going to let you spiral down again."

- "I’m not spiraling."

- "I know you. This is my condition,  Ona. I also want to keep our evening classes. Just because we had this little falling out doesn’t mean you should jeopardize your education."

I scoff at her words. So this is just a "little falling out" to her? I doubt she understands my feelings for her, then.

- "I’m not planning to jeopardize my education," I reply coldly. "But I’m not keeping those classes. I asked Alessia to help me instead, and she agreed."

My answer seems to surprise her. She doesn’t realize how thoroughly I’ve thought this through. She almost looks disappointed. Knowing that I’m still attending classes, she has no reason to forbid it.

- "I guess that’s non-negotiable...?"

- "Exactly. I need to spend time with my friends and distance myself from you."

- "Very well..." she sighs. "But don’t completely ignore me like you have the last couple of days. I want you to talk to me at least a little."

- "Yeah, whatever you say, Commander. Can I go now that the negotiations are over?"

- "Hmm... I’ll see you tonight," she says as she opens the door.

- "Yeah. I’ll probably be with Alexia before I come."

I walk out with my head held high. I feel relieved of a burden after confessing my feelings and proud of not backing down for once. But that confidence fades once I’m away from her. I have no idea how I’ll feel in the coming days... I’ve focused so much on her these past few months that it feels like I can’t live without her, and the consequences are starting to scare me. I take a deep breath when I get outside. I’m determined to prove to her—and to myself—that I can live without her. If I can make her regret her choice in the process, that would be the ultimate goal. I stop thinking about her when I reach the common room. All my friends are there. I join Alessia and Alexia, who are sitting around a table working. Well, if you can call it that. It looks more like they’re chatting than anything else.

- "Oh, Onita!"

- "Don’t start calling me that," I grimace.

- "I think it’s a cute nickname," Alessia comments.

- "Would you prefer ‘Princess’ instead?" Alexia teases. "I heard that one’s making the rounds at school."

I sigh and nod. Unfortunately, I think I’d rather it be "Onita" spreading instead of the other one. It’s going to remind me of  Lucy, and that’s exactly what I would have preferred to avoid. The first days are going to be very long. I take out my notes while replying.

- "Yeah, it seems so... I wish it weren't the case. I don’t even know how they could have found out."

- "Who knows," Ale smiles. "I heard you were at Wiegman ’s?"

- "Yeah. Bronze was there too."

- "And...?" she asks hesitantly, which makes me shrug.

- "If you want to talk amongst yourselves, I can step out," Alessia offers.

- "No, don’t worry. We’ll talk about it tonight."

- "Hey Ona, you’re finally here!" Alba enthusiastically says. "Want to play a game of foosball?" she suggests.

- "Not tonight, sorry. Alessia owes me some tutoring and it might take a while... I’m really completely lost in my new subjects."

- "To that extent?" Alessia asks. "It’s not that complicated."

- "Oh yes! It’s like Chinese to me, seriously! How can such things even exist?" I grumble.

- "Okay, I get it," Alessia chuckles. "We’ll review everything from the beginning."

I nod with a small smile. I move my chair closer to her with my stuff. I just grab some scratch paper, as I used to do with Lucy... Alessia returns my smile and gets into the groove of going over our lessons for the day. I hope the motivation will be with me; otherwise, I’ll never make it through the year.

Monday, January 18; 8:30 PM - Ona and Alexia's Room

- "How could I have missed so much?"

I’ve just confessed everything to Alexia. When I say everything, I mean the entire story between Lucy and me. I couldn’t keep it to myself knowing how I’m going to feel in the coming days. She would have found out something was wrong anyway, and I doubt she would have stayed quiet without getting answers this time. All I can say is that she is not at all happy. She’s upset that I hid the progress of this relationship from her. I bite my lip, realizing the stupidity of excluding Ale from my life. I should have confided in her rather than Lucy. Her eyes did light up when I admitted that I’ve been sleeping with her recently or when I explained how much I care about her, even now.

- "Are you in love with her?"

- "No... I said I care about her, not that I’m in love with her."

- "It was just a simple question... You know, you’re allowed to be."

- "No, I’m not allowed," I sigh. "I just told you she turned me away. Developing feelings for her would destroy me..."

- "Good grief," she sighs. "Can’t you hear yourself? It can’t be like this. Didn’t you see the way she looked at me at lunch when I was on your back? I thought she was going to kill me with that hurt look!"

- "You’re exaggerating," I roll my eyes.

- "No, I assure you... There must be another reason she doesn’t want to develop your relationship."

- "Whatever... I extended an olive branch for her to change her mind, and she didn’t take it. She accepted me stepping away rather than keeping me by her side. It’s pretty clear as a response, don’t you think? Besides, this break won’t hurt me. She just made it clear that I need to continue being wary of people."

- "I doubt she wants you to react like this..."

- "I don’t care. I just need to clear my mind, and this is the only way I can do that."

- "Alright... If you say so."

I put down the pencil I had between my fingers and let my sketchbook fall between my thighs. It’s been so long since I touched my drawing materials that I’d forgotten the relaxing effect they gave me. As far back as I remember, they were always my best means of escape. Staying in my room with Alexia was probably the best idea I had to escape Lucy for the evening. Lucy hadn’t forgotten that I owed her an explanation, so she dragged me to come with her, but I admit I should have thought of that from the start.

- "Lucy had become my pillar, but I need to prove to myself that I can live without her."

- "You’ve become addicted to her, huh?"

I frown when she says that. It’s not the first time someone has said that to me. Mapi was the first, and I’m starting to question it.

- "No... Haven’t you been talking to Mapi?"

- "Oh, no... Not at all," she mocks.

- "Of course! What did she tell you?"

- "Nothing. She wanted you to tell me yourself. I assure you," she smiles. "But now that you’ve explained everything, I can finally understand what she was talking about, and sorry for you, but I can only agree with her. You’re in love with Lucy, and you’re denying it."

- "That’s not true," I protest.

- "Yes, it is. Just admit it."

- "Definitely not."

- "Say it. It will set you free, you’ll see."

- "No," I say, shaking my head. "You don’t understand," I say desperately, making her sigh.

- "Come here."

She pats her bed. I sigh but join her, grabbing my pillow and hugging it like a stuffed animal. I then curl up when she forces me to rest my head on her shoulder. My eyes fix on a point as I lose myself in my thoughts. Ale’s strokes in my hair, meant to relax me, have the opposite effect. I hate her. That’s how I feel about Lucy right now. All the recent moments of my life are related to her. She has taken up too much space, and now I have to live with this idea while trying to resume my life before she came along. The problem is, I don’t know how it works anymore. She took care of everything. It’s as if she did my thinking for me. I wasn’t ready for everything to turn out like this. I suffocate as I release the lump that had been stuck in my throat for too long.

- "Let it out."

That’s all it takes for my tears to start flowing down my cheeks. I can’t control myself anymore. Everything comes like a tornado. I let myself fall against Alexia, who opens her arms without hesitation. I never thought it would hurt this much.

- "I love her, damn it."

I close my eyes as Alexia encourages me to let go of everything my mind has prevented me from doing. I haven’t cried this much since I’ve been in this damn camp. I’ve felt sad more than once in my life, but I’ve never expressed it so much to others. I feel like I’ve become sensitive to everything. I collapse onto my roommate’s lap as she lets me unload my emotions. She achieved what she wanted. I feel drained. I’ve poured out everything I could until I ran out of strength. Alexia holds me against her, giving me soothing pats on the top of my head to calm me down. I look pathetic with my pillow clutched against me. We stay like this for a while until a muffled noise is heard at the door. I straighten up with my back to it to wipe my face as best as I can. The door opens without permission.

- "Oh, hello Bronze..."

I freeze at Ale’s clearly deliberate hint. I can only mentally thank her for making me realize it was her behind me. I was expecting her if I came too late to her room. I think curfew must be approaching. I squeeze my eyes shut to compose myself before facing her.

- "I was told I’d find you here," she says. "Curfew is coming soon, and it seems you still need to take a shower."

- "I was about to come," I mumble.

- "Hmm... I just wanted to make sure. I was afraid you might skip out on me despite our conversation."

I haven’t discussed this part with Alexia. I didn’t want to rub salt in the wound for now. I guess I’ll have to talk to her about it tomorrow now that she has brought it up.

- "I’m coming. You can go. I’ll tidy up first."

- "I’ll wait."

I sigh and grab my sketchbook from my bed with a brusque motion. I put it away in the cupboard with the rest of the materials, taking care not to turn around even once. It’s only when I pick up my jacket from the desk that she’s likely to see my disheveled state. I approach Alexia, who has already gotten up in the meantime. I give her a huge hug of thanks. I struggle to detach my head from her neck. I imagine her smiling to give her a rare and intense contact from me.

- "Rest, " she whispers in my ear. "It will be okay."

I nod and give her a lingering kiss on the cheek. She smiles softly as we wish each other goodnight. I put my hood over my head to hide the aftermath of my evening. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Lucy, who immediately comments as I pass by her. I simply keep my head down so she doesn’t see my face as we walk.

- "I thought you weren’t coming..." she murmurs. "Sorry for barging in."

- "Trust reigns," I snap. "But it’s no problem."

- "How was your day?" she tries to continue the conversation.

- "Great. Yours?"

- "Good... And your new class?"

- "I’ve had better."

- "With Alexia, I assume."

- "Not just that."

My short, undeveloped responses make her sigh. I would have loved to tell her about my day, but I promised myself to keep my distance from now on. It’s always her who gets my debrief normally, but today it’s not the case. I’ve done it with Alexia and Amba for once. We talked a lot about that pest Korbin. I learned a few things about her, but nothing crazy. All I learned is that she’s not a person worth hanging out with. We finish the walk to her room in silence. I directly look for my pajamas and clothes for tomorrow before locking myself in the bathroom. I stay there for a good half hour for a shower. When I come out, Lucy is already ready for bed but absorbed in her laptop on her lap. I ignore her and lie down on my small bed. I still wish her goodnight before turning my back to avoid the small light she left on her side. She seems determined to leave me alone, as she responds with a simple goodnight in return.

[sanguineterrain]

Jason or Dick with a reader with social anxiety? 😊

sure!! dick grayson x gn!reader | tw anxiety, mild panic attack, dick comforts reader. also i know basically nothing about the young justice league so if anything's inaccurate my b

****

"You're gonna love them," Dick says, squeezing your knee, one hand on the steering wheel.

You smile tightly. Luckily, his eyes are on the road.

"I'm sure I will."

You loving them isn't the problem. It's the other way around.

The Young Justice League is so big now, too. You can't remember most of their names.

Okay. Artemis, Wally... Superboy. What's his name? You can't ask Dick, that's embarrassing. Shit. You should've had him text you all the names earlier so you could work on memorizing them.

You're so busy sifting through the members in your head that you don't notice Dick has parked. He hops out, already a ball of energy. You're more sluggish, dragging yourself out of your seat.

Dick quickly tugs you into his side as you walk to the elevator. You feel a little better when he rubs your shoulder, but as soon as he starts talking about his friends, your heartbeat quickens.

"...They've wanted to meet you for a while! I've talked their ears off about you. I think that—"

Ding! The elevator doors slide open.

Your mouth goes dry at the sight before you. Everyone's here. Jesus Christ. You thought you'd get introduced slowly. Especially on a Saturday afternoon—doesn't the world need saving? Why are they all here?

"Dickie!" Wally says, speeding over and yanking Dick into a hug. Dick hugs back, and you'd fawn over how sweet your boyfriend and his best friend are if your chest didn't hurt.

"Hey, Walls. Hi, everybody," Dick says, smiley and relaxed. "This is my partner."

Everybody looks at you.

You've always been jealous of how easily Dick can interact with people. Luckily, he's never tried to rope you into one of Bruce's charity functions ("oh, babe, I love you too much to do that to you!") When you're out and about, you flail in any social situation. But Dick? Dick is a natural. A born charmer. Everybody loves him.

You feel like you're going to throw up.

"So you're the saint who's dealing with Grayson," Artemis says, a hint of a smirk on her face.

Dick rolls his eyes. "You're dating Wally."

"Hey!" Wally squawks, then zooms to Artemis for a consolation kiss.

"You're a civilian," Superboy (damn it, what's his name?!) says, expression stiff.

You nod, unsure. "Um. Yeah, I am."

"How'd you meet?" someone else asks.

"Uh, well-"

"Wait, Dick said you've been dating for six months. How the hell did you hide your relationship for that long?"

"He and I-"

"They are overwhelmed," M'gann says suddenly, squinting at you. "Their heart is beating faster than normal."

You flinch at her knowing gaze. The chest pain has upgraded from moderate to is-this-a-heart-attack?

You turn to Dick. His smile slips as soon as you look at him.

"Baby?" he asks.

Escape. You need to escape.

"I-I need to use the bathroom," you blurt.

You run out of the kitchen before anyone can say anything. Tears form, and you blink them away quickly.

You can't find the bathroom, which is doubly embarrassing, so you end up going into the stairwell and wedging yourself into the corner of the landing, knees to your chest.

Okay. Grounding techniques. Take five slow breaths. Identify five things you can feel. Your jeans. Your shoes. The cool wall against your back. Two more.

The door swings open. You close your eyes. If one of those super-powered people who've probably never had a panic attack in their life finds you huddled pathetically in the stairwell, you'll never live it down.

You'll have to break up with Dick. You can picture the disappointed crinkle of his brow, the pinch of his mouth. He expected more of you, no doubt.

"Oh, baby," a voice says, and then you're being pulled into strong arms.

You wince, not opening your eyes. Your breaths are still too fast.

Of course your detective boyfriend figured out you weren't in the bathroom.

"I'm sorry," you say, burying your face into his arm. "This is so stupid, I—"

"It's not stupid," Dick says and coaxes you to look at him. "Anxiety isn't stupid. Was it too much, meeting everyone at once?"

You sniffle miserably. "You literally work with superheroes, Dick. I know I'm such a letdown. Someone learns that Dick Grayson, the Nightwing, is dating someone, and-and you expect alien royalty or a billionaire heir or something. Somebody more than me. And then I fucking freak over meeting some new people."

You scowl. "Some partner I am."

Dick looks heartbroken. He pulls you closer, rubbing your back.

"I didn't know you felt this way," he says quietly. "Some partner I am."

You shake your head. "No, it's not like I tried to tell you. I just—I wanted to be normal, D. I wanted to be a good partner. I didn't want my stupid anxiety to get in the way. And it's clear you love those guys so much, and you were so excited to introduce us..."

"Sweetheart, I love you too. Your feelings and comfort are important. If I'd known it was too much, I wouldn't have dragged you here. We could've waited or introduced you slowly."

Tears well up. "God, Dick, I just wish I could be like you. You're always so good at this stuff."

"Aw, baby." Dick tenderly kisses your cheek. "That's the product of years of media training. I don't like crowds either. I mean, I like people, but I get overwhelmed, too. We all do. Not like my family's much better. Jason doesn't like unfamiliar places. He has to case out a new restaurant at least three days in advance."

"Jason was dead for two years. He has an excuse."

"Okay, point," Dick allows. "But seriously, honey, we're all like that. B despises those parties he goes to. He's always exhausted afterward. It's all smoke and mirrors. The team has their tough moments too. And the way you feel isn't stupid. I'm sorry I wasn't more attentive to it."

You sit like that in silence for a while, Dick hugging you. Slowly, your heart rate returns to normal. You start to feel more regulated.

"Wanna go home?" he asks gently.

You shake your head.

"No, I wanna meet them. But..." You groan into his shoulder. "I totally made a fool of myself."

"No, you didn't. It's okay. I promise they don't think any less of you. They were worried, actually. And I told them to take it easy with the interrogation."

Dick slips his hand into yours and squeezes. You take a deep breath.

"Okay," you say. "Let's do it."

Dick smiles. "Alright. I got you the whole time, love."

[peachyloveswriting]

I really enjoy how you write Knives and Vash. I enjoyed the one with the sick reader so much.

If by chance could you do something with reader who has bad anxiety and panic attacks?

Maybe for Knives the reader is already feeling down because they are not allowed outside (sorta like seasonal depression I guess) and they feel of no use to him.

For Vash maybe something about how he says he wishes the reader wouldn't follow him and the group to Wolfwood or one of the others and they over hear him. He just wants them safe of course. They feel useless even though they have been able to keep safe so far. Feeling unwanted sends them into a panic.

Lately I have been pretty down and my anxiety about the smallest things have sent me into a panic.

Much love <3

I'm really glad that you've enjoyed my work so far and I hope you feel better soon. For now let me do some comfort and fluff. I'm in the mood right now. Also I've noticed that I sometimes accidentally write in first person so if I switch up on you guys I'm sorry Lmao.

Miscommunication and Self doubt --- Vash & Knives

SUMMARY: It doesn't take a lot to make someone feel worthless, maybe people should pay more attention to what they do.

Millions Knives

Artificial light, the only light that fills every room I've been in for the past four months. When was the last time I felt the suns on my skin, I had a fresh breath of air? God I have no clue. Ever since Knives took me in I've been stuck inside this tower with no hope of ever seeing the outside again. Just to make matters worse I get to watch everyone else do something useful while I sit and hope for a day that will never come. It fills my heart with dread every time I think about it.

I have no special duty, I don't run errands, I don't do chores. I sit and I act as a wall piece all day everyday. I stand by Knives side, accompanying him wherever he wants me too. Watching him play his piano, I feel particularly let down today.

Between the solemn notes and my aching heart, I don't know which was the straw that broke the Camels back, but I fell to my knees. Tears slid down my face and ragged breaths left my mouth, I sobbed, covering my eyes with my hands. Suddenly the melodious tune stopped making its way into my head and someone grabbed my shoulders.

"Petal?" Knives shook me with worry, he's checking me over for the source of my crying, but no injury is visible. "What's wrong?" He pulls my hands away from my face and cups my cheeks, forcing me to look at him. "Speak to me." His hands are gentle as ever, it's almost hard to believe that he's actually touching me.

"What's my point?" I choke out. "What's the point of me being here when I do nothing for you?" I pull away from his touch, another wretched sob falling from my lips. His face softens as his hands fall back to his sides. "Why haven't you killed me yet?"

Through my teary eyes I can see his blades slithering out from behind him, coming right for me. My heart sinks and I feel sick, he was actually taking my advice. This wasn't really the way I wanted it to happen but it was death, the sweet release. Closing my eyes, I patiently wait to feel him cut through me, to tear me apart and never wake me up again. Instead, I feel the blades carefully wrap around my back, pushing me forward.

Opening my eyes, Knives grabs my shoulders once within reach and pulls me against him in a hug. His blades slip off my back but stay close, I can't tell if he's actually debating on killing me or if he's just trying to keep me in place. Against him, I sob. It's hysterical at this point, I'm so lost. He has no reason to keep me here so why am I still here?

"Why?" I have no special purpose for him. "Why am I here?"

One of his hands rubs my back while the other holds the back on my head close to him, he's holding me so gently. I feel like he's scared of hurting me, but why? I serve no purpose to him. Even still, he lets me cry into his shoulder, and even rubs my back in an attempt to comfort me. It's almost like he really does care.

"You're here because I want you to be. I enjoy your company and... You're very interesting to me." He pulls away. "but I don't understand what makes you think I'd kill you. I clearly have a reason not to."

He moves his thumb to swipe away my tears. "I'm sorry it's just... I've been stuck in here for so long I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't... I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life. I don't even do anything, I want to do something. I don't want to feel useless."

He leans closer. "I can assure you that you are not useless, you offer me entertainment, company, knowledge, and more. My want is for you to be comfortable, if you are not, I have failed. If you wish to leave I will escort you out?" His offer is kind, I'm taken aback by it. Seeing the way he usually treats things, this was not at all what I expected.

I shake my head. "I do want to leave but not like that! I just want to go outside..." I lift my hand to wipe the wetness from my eyes. "I don't wish to burden you, Knives."

He sighs. "Yet again, you're not a burden." Letting me go completely, his blades retract and he stands. "Come with me." He extends a hand to me. "I shall take you outside."

Taking a deep breath I grab his hand and pull myself up. "Thank you." He doesn't say anything in return, quietly leading me towards his room. Walking through the door I'm greeted by a large bed, I was sure he had never used it. It was untouched, sheets laid without a single wrinkle at all. It was like he'd never even touched it. He pulled me forward towards the large sheath of curtains, brushing them to the side. Bright sunlight fills the room and he pulls open a sliding door, turning to the side he gently tugs me forward. I can already feel the breeze hitting my skin before I ever step out. It feels reliving to feel the wind blowing in my face again.

Stepping out onto the small balcony, I press my hands against the rail and close my eyes. Behind me I can hear the door shut and Knives approaching. The air smells clean and the sun is purifying. I could relish in this moment forever, it makes it even harder to believe I'll have to go back in, I don't want too. I'd rather stay out here where I can feel myself at peace with the world, where the wind blows all my worries away.

"Feel better?" I open my eyes to see Knives leaned on the balcony rail beside me, resting his face in his hand. The corners of his lipa twitch up into a ghostly smile, almost non-existent.

"Much." I adjust my gaze to the city below. "Good. I'll be sure to accommodate you more often. I had never thought to ask how you were doing or what you might have needed."

I take a deep breath. "Thank you, Knives."

He stands up straight. "It's good to see you smile again." At the mention I could suddenly feel the smile on my lips, I hadn't noticed it before. "That's what you'll do for me..."

I look at him confused. "If you want to feel of use to me, smile more. It looks good on you."

Vash

"I'm going to sleep. Good night." You waved everyone goodbye before you claimed into your tent. The outside was illuminated by the flickering fire, Meryl and Roberto had already gone to sleep. It was only Vash and Wolfwood left after you. For a long time it was quiet, sleep was beginning to creep in and you were comfortable. That's when you Heard it.

"Why did they have to stick around?" Vash pokes at the fire with a stick. Wolfwood looks up at him in wonder "Huh? You mean Y/n?"

"Yeah... I just wish they wouldn't stick around." You don't get to hear him finish the sentence, you cover your ears and dig your face into the pillow. Something in your chest aches deeply, the thought of leaving the group after becoming so close to everyone hurts. To think the best out of all of them wanted you gone hurt the most, you didn't do anything to make him hate you. Was it that you didn't contribute? Everyone played their part but you... You were just there.

You don't do anything but cook and help set up camp for the night, it's not much at all compared to what everyone else does. Meryl's got a job with Roberto, Wolfwood is trying to keep you all from dying, and Vash.... He was looking for his brother, trying to save the world. That's more than you could ever do for the group, you bring them down. You get in the way of everyone's objectives, you don't contribute, what's worse than dead weight?

When you uncovered your ears, it was eerily quiet outside, the fire wasn't crackling anymore and Vash and Wolfwood had grown quiet. Heart heavy in your chest, you moved your blanket off of you and climbed to the entrance of your tent. Peeling it back you stick your head outside, the fire is almost out, Vash and the others are nowhere to be seen. You assume they've gone to sleep. Crawling out, you wrap your blanket around your shoulders and walk over to the truck.

The wind nips at your exposed skin as you reach up and grab your bag from the top, it slips from your hands and falls heavily on your foot. Your mouth shoots open to call out in pain but you hiss through clenched teeth instead. After hopping about, you pick the bag up and sling it over your shoulder, stopping to look and back sure you haven't woken anyone up. The silence gives you an answer, you pad back to your tent, quickly undoing it to pack it away in your bag. It fits snugly with all your other items as you tie it back. With everything ready, you tie the blanket securely around you as a coat and begin to walk away from the camp site.

The air is cold and lonely as you venture into the desolate night, from afar strange creatures call out, sending chills through your body. While running with the group, you fared well, managing to keep out of trouble. Alone, you weren't sure you were going to make it. Looking back at the tents, you realize they're much smaller than before. It would be pointless to turn back now, it hurts to leave like this but if Vash didn't want you there you were willing to leave. Albeit bringing you to tears in the process.

For the next day into the night, you traveled alone, not a soul in sight. The heat from the suns has just worn off and the cool nights air breezes past. You haven't stopped since you started, your legs burn with intensity, and your eyes threaten to close. It would be unwise to camp in the middle of the dunes, you searched for a rock face to settle down against but there were none in sight. You realize now that your choice to leave so suddenly without thinking it through wasn't a good idea, you couldn't go back now, they'd certainly have moved on by now. You'd just have to get by until the next town.

Suddenly, from behind you begin to hear shouting. It sounds like your name from somewhere out in the distance, certainly you had to be going crazy. Then it came again, closer this time. You turn to see what's calling out for you, running up on a Thomas, Is Vash.

"Vash?" Your eyes widen in surprise as he jumps off the Thomas, throwing you into the sand, hugging you.

"I was so worried. You scared me. I followed your footsteps for two days!" He pulled back with a smile on his face. Just before he was saying he didn't want you around, now he's acting like he misses you.

"You wanted me to stop following you." His smile falls. "So I left."

His heart falls to his stomach. "What do you mean?"

You blink at him. "You said you didn't want me to follow you around anymore. I overheard when you told Wolfwood."

Vash sits up, pulling you with. "I could see why you wouldn't want me around anymore, I don't do a whole lot..." He frowns, keeping your hand in his. "That's not why I said it." He tips your head up to look at him. "I said it because I'm dangerous. If you stay around me long enough you'll get killed."

I stare at him in silence for a moment. "What bout the others?"

He nods. "Them too. But Wolfwood and Roberto know how to keep themselves alive. You and Meryl... She only has a chance because of Robertoz but you." Vash sighs. Tears start to burn your eyes as you look at him. "Me... I'm worthless." It comes out as a broken sob, one that you can't stop from escaping.

Slumping forward, your head collides with Vash's shoulder. Shaking and sputtering, you sob against him, his hands rushing to soothe your shaking body. He engulfs you in a hug, hands rubbing your back and brushing your head. "Don't say that. You do an amazing job of staying out of trouble and you're an even better addition to the team. But I'm scared you might get hurt one day." His hot breath tickles your skin as he talks. "I want to keep you safe."

White hot anger rushes over you, you raise your head. "Then do that! Don't just send me away and expect that to be even better, it's worse! If you want me to be safe then show me how to use a gun."

His eyes are wide with surprise. You've never yelled at Vash like that, it hurt seeing you so angry. "If that's what you want, I'll do it."

You nod your head. "Yes. Anything to help, please."

"Of course. Let's get back to the others though, you need to eat and get water before you pass out. Sit in front of me so you can rest for a bit too." He takes your hand and pulls you to your feet. "I'm really sorry I made you feel this way." He adverts his gaze as he leads you to the Thomas. "I had no idea you could hear me, it was nothing but the best intentions, I swear."

Vash helps you climb onto the Thomas first before grabbing reigns and hoisting himself up behind you. "I know. It still hurts though."

His face softens. "It won't happen again. I swear. Just stick by my side and you'll be safe."

[gyeomsweetgyeom]

[10:57 pm] 

(cw: angst, mentions of receiving hate and threats, no happy ending) (I also have no knowledge of being an idol, I’m a 23 year old teenage latina, I doubt this is accurate)

“I can’t do this anymore,” you sobbed, wiping away at your tears.

Taeyong’s head snapped up, looking at you with teary eyes, “Please don’t tell me you mean us.”

You nodded, trembling hands going up to muffle your sobs. Everything was awful, your perfect little bubble was popped with one stupid slip up. You were both usually so careful about being out in public together, only going out at night, dark clothes, masks, and hats to disguise who you both were. You had both decided that after a year of publicly sneaking around maybe you could finally have dinner together. Wrong, so, so, so wrong. A “fan” had taken both your pictures and someone else must have tipped off Dispatch because the next morning you had woken up to pictures of yours and Taeyong’s faces plastered on every site you clicked on and countless calls from your manager.

The meeting with your company had been disheartening. Even though you had let them know about your relationship months ago, everything had now fallen on your shoulders. You were bringing a bad look to your group and tarnishing your own reputation. It was at least a little hopeful when they told you they’d put out a statement and this would all blow over soon. It felt even more awful sitting beside your manager while she got her own earful for allowing you to sneak off as if she were completely responsible for your own actions. You had apologized profusely after the meeting, begging for her forgiveness. She of course forgave you, but it didn’t ease the pit in your stomach.

Two weeks had passed and you were still under under scrutiny. Scrolling through your instagram, every single post had hate comments that were vicious and heartless. Even your group’s page contained the same comments and threats. You had apologized to your members, promising that it was never your intention to have anything like this happen. They understood, some being in their own relationships and reassured you that everything would work out. Again, it didn’t do anything to ease the guilt and anxiety you felt with the mess your love-filled relationship had become.

Your guilt only grew, learning that your comeback would have to be held off because of all the backlash against the group. You could comeback and risk having your worst public reception yet, or comeback and not be given opportunities to promote anywhere. You had even overheard a few managers from another group from your company talking about how the company shares had taken a very noticeable drop after the news came out. The pit in your stomach only grew at that news.

“Taeyong, nothing good has come from us being exposed to the public. I can’t open any apps because all I see is hate, my members are bombarded with hate too, and we can’t comeback so we don’t make money. I heard them talking about the threats they were getting,” you paused as your voice cracked, “The stocks at the company have taken a hit from this too! All this is my fault!”

“It’s my fault too, but we can’t give up on this- on us. I’ll talk to my manager and we can get the company lawyers involved,” Taeyong tried, reaching for your hand.

“You’re not getting hate like I am Taeyong, you still get to make your comeback and make appearances because no one will assume that my senior is dating me to get his name out. You can keep living your dream, but if I double down this can be all over for me and everyone I work with. My manager almost got fired over this, Taeyong. I’ve known her since I was 15 and she’s the closest this I have to family besides my members this far away from home. I’ve almost ruined people’s livelihoods over this news,” you cried with your head in your hands.

“But we know that’s not what this is, please, my love. Don’t give up on me.”

“It’s not like I want to Taeyong! My manager will get in touch with yours so a statement can be made about us splitting up,” you decided, wiping away your tears as you stood up and left his dorm before he could protest any further.

It was the hardest decision you ever had to make. Nobody understood you like Taeyong. There was no one in the world who could get you like he could, simply because he had gone through the same things you had, he understood the busy schedules, the constant change in time zones, the shoots, the promotions, living with your group members. Unfortunately, that also meant he understood the consequences that could come from both of you becoming public. You had both seen so many peers experience the same thing, and chose to ignore that when it came to the two of you since there wasn’t any plan for you to go public any time soon. It obviously didn’t work out like either of you wanted.

You were about to step out the door, when Taeyong’s voice rang out, “I love you, is that not enough for you? You don’t even want to fight for us? Please, just tell me you love me back.”

“I can’t just think of myself here, It’s beyond me Taeyong- beyond us. I will not put my needs and wants before a team of people, I can’t do that,” You replied, wiping away your stream of tears. “I do love you, but that can’t be enough.”

It was over and it felt so heartbreaking and awful. You loved Taeyong with all your heart, but you had worked so hard to get where you were, where your group was. You couldn’t risk all your hard work and the work of your team going down the drain because you chose to be selfish. In an ideal world, you could live your dream and have your love, but it didn’t always work like that.

[morganski-19]

The One with the Trifle Pt 2

part 1 here

A little while later, Robin and Eddie return, bringing the trifle with them. Argyle, thoroughly stoned, walks over to it, leaning down to stare at it eye level.

“Looks great, dude. What is it?”

“English trifle. I found this old cookbook in a thrift shop and thought it looked good. And there was no oven involved, so nothing is burnt this year,” Robin points the last question at Steve, glaring at him.

Steve presses his lips together, trying not to say anything bad. “Yep, nothing looks burnt.”

“Just wait until you taste it,” she excitedly goes on. “I tried everything separately and it was so good, so I’m excited to see what it tastes like all together.”

“What’re the layers?” Argyle asks, still staring at the dessert.

“Lady fingers, then jam, custard, that I made from scratch, raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions. More custard, a layer of bananas, and then some whipped cream. Weird right?”

Nancy chokes on her drink. “Weird. What’s weird about it?”

“The beef. Everything else is so sweet it just seems out of place. But then I was like, there’s a mince meat pie. And pies are sweet, so this is just normal for them I guess.”

Eddie claps his hands, getting everyone attention. Totally not nervous about all of this. “Yeah, so normal. Is the rest of the food ready? I am starved.”

They all sit down at the table and have their dinner. The rest of the food is very good, no complaints there. They play cards and talk in between dinner and dessert, after everyone helps clean up of course. Eddie might convince Argyle to give him a joint, just to prepare a little bit. Also, he hates Thanksgiving, so it helps.

“Remind me again why you hate Thanksgiving,” Nancy asks after crushing them all in a round of poker.

“My dad liked to think that you couldn’t get arrested on holidays, which isn’t true. When I was nine, he stole a car, immediately got caught, then got arrested. Happened again when I was twelve. And then I think again when I was fifteen, but I was living with Wayne at that point. Every year, people get together to be thankful, while I get reminded of my dick of a father. Who is probably in jail again for doing something stupid.”

Jonathan winces. “That sucks, man.”

Eddie shuffles the cards. “Yeah. But my uncle’s great though. More of a father to me than my own father was. Would have invited him if he didn’t already have plans.”

They play a few more rounds, Eddie able to sneak in win when Nancy gets dealt a bad hand. Jonathan even wins once, even though he’s a bit confused at what game they’re really playing.

Then it’s time, and Robin starts to plate the trifle. Taking a big spoonful of all the layers and handing them to everyone. Finally sitting down with her own piece, with a huge smile. Steve takes a deep breath in preparation. Nancy gives Steve one last dead glare. One that says both “this is your fault” and “if you mess this up, I will kill you”.

Jonathan pokes around the plate with his fork, inspecting it. Argyle looks actually excited to eat this and Eddie is just twirling the fork around in his hand waiting for someone else to eat it first.

“Steve, I want you to take the first bite,” Robin says, ever so sweetly. With just a touch of malice in her voice. “Since you always doubt my cooking so much.”

Steve nods, pained. “Right. Yeah, of course.” He takes a forkful of the trifle, skirting around the beef.

“You missed a whole layer there. I want to make sure you eat all of it.” Robin smirks at him. Steve can’t tell if it’s because she’s hiding something or because she’s made about his earlier comments. Mind too filled with the anxiety over eating this.

Steve stares at the dessert before his eyes, taking a deep breath before giving Robin a pained smile. Then eating the trifle, trying his hardest not to gag. “It’s great, Rob,” he says, trying to swallow. “So good.”

“Alright, now the rest of you.”

Nancy takes a breath before just shoving a forkful in her mouth. Looking like she barely chews before swallowing it. Jonathan eats it like anything else, looking partially confused, but taking a moment to register what all the flavors are. Argyle just keeps eating it.

Eddie doesn’t eat it at all.

“Steve’s right, probably the best thing you’ve made,” Nancy acts better than Steve did. “You should send me the recipe.”

“Yeah, dude,” Argyle says, plate now half empty. “This is really good.”

Robin bursts out laughing, causing the rest of the table to look at her. “I can’t believe you actually ate it. Oh my God.”

“What?” Steve says, half choking on the water he was drinking.

“I didn’t actually think that beef belonged in the trifle. Do you all really think I’m that dumb?”

Jonathan looks up from his plate, eyes squinted. “What’s going on?”

Argyle leans over. “Not sure but Robin’s laughing a lot.”

Robin stands up, taking her plate and throwing her piece in the trash. “Hold on a second.”

Eddie stands after she leaves, taking his own plate and throwing out his untouched piece of the trifle. “I need you all to know, that I had no idea about this before today. And if it weren’t for Nancy making fun of the way I slice green beans-.”

“Because no one slices green beans that way,” Nancy exclaims.

“I do,” Eddie says dramatically. “Wayne has done it for me that way since I was a kid and wasn’t the biggest fan of green beans. If you want them cut a certain way, you should tell people.”

Nancy pauses. “That is a good point. I’m sorry for getting mad at you.”

“Thank you.” Eddie sees Jonathan and Argyle still eating the not real trifle. “Oh guys, you don’t have to eat that. It was a prank.”

“What?” Jonathan asks, still not sure what’s going on.

Argyle leans over again. “This was a prank, we don’t have to eat this anymore.”

“But it’s dessert.”

“Yeah, but not the real dessert.”

Jonathan is not putting the pieces together. “Where’s the real dessert then?”

“Don’t know, man. It isn’t here yet.”

Nancy stands, taking the two plates in front of them. “I’m just going to move these.”

“Jesus, dude, how much did you smoke?” Steve asks, finally throwing his food away.

Robin comes back into the apartment with another trifle in her hands, this one beef free. She places it in the center of the table, smiling maniacally. “This is the real trifle.”

The real trifle looks exactly like a picture of one would. Layers of lady fingers, jam, custard, and fruit. All perfectly even, with not a speck of beef in sight.

“That,” Nancy starts, still in shock, “looks really good.”

“I know, right.” Robin sits back down in her seat. “And it really wasn’t that hard either. The only thing that I had to make myself was the custard, which was actually pretty easy.”

“I knew that’s not how cookbooks worked,” Steve says annoyed, glaring at Eddie.

Eddie shrugs, “It was part of the bit.”

Argyle stares at the new trifle. “I think you’re missing a layer there, dude.”

“No, she added an extra layer before,” Eddie explains. “This one is the correct one.”

“If you say so.” Argyle leans back into the chair, still skeptical.

The real trifle is dished out and eaten pretty fast. Everyone apologizing to Robin for doubting her. She sits with a smug look on her face for the rest of the night.

Tag list (let me know if you want to be added or taken off) @slowandsteddie, @annieofhearts, @cacdyke, @ubpd, @captain--low, @thespaceantwhowrites, @goodolefashionedloverboi, @anne-bennett-cosplayer, @lunaticparisianlady, @apomaro-mellow, @dolphincliffs, @dragonmama76, @maggiebug417, @stevesbipanic, @fearieshadow, @eightpackdiaz, @au79burger @bookworm0690 , @practicallybegging, @potato-of-the-lord, @autumncrocusandladybug, @estrellami-1

[this-world-of-beautiful-monsters]

Another fic prompt that follows on from the previous but Solek embraces Teylan after they free him/he escapes back to them, he’s dressed more rda than ever and he’s covered in bruises. Teylan is conflicted.

(tw past noncon, past csa, trauma, age difference)

ao3

The other Sarentu keep close watch over Teylan in the days after he returns to them, ash in his hair and smoke trailing in his wake. They carry food in and out of his room, hover outside his door when he gets visits from the Anufi or one of the other Resistance medics, help him to the showers and refuse to let anyone else in until he's done.

So'lek watches them whisper together, lips close to each other's ears, or sign, a strange blend of human gestures adapted to fit four fingers and tail-and-ear movements that don't match any Na'vi sign language So'lek knows. Even Alma doesn't understand it, not that she would translate for him if she could.

Not that So'lek would want to translate, of course, to intrude. But...but he hasn't seen Teylan since they brought him back, and he is--concerned.

Four days after Teylan gets back (not that he's counting) So'lek finds the courage time to finally approach Teylan's door. Ri'nela slips out just as he draws near, shoulders tightening.

"You'll have to come back later," she says. "He's resting, he--"

"Ri?" Teylan calls from within. "Who's there?"

Ri'nela opens her mouth, but So'lek is quicker. "It's So'lek," he calls, and instantly starts to doubt himself. "I can come back later--"

"No, no, it's fine!" He can hear rustling movements, blankets being tugged. "Ri, let him in." A beat. "Ri..."

"Fine." Ri'nela moves away with a huff, watching So'lek enter carefully. "Yell if you need us, okay?" she tosses into the room, and then she's gone, tail twitching in her wake.

"Sorry about that," Teylan says, as So'lek closes the door behind him. 'They've all been a bit...overprotective." He snorts a jagged laugh. "Or maybe I should say paranoid."

He's sitting up in the bed, sheets pulled high, but not so high that So'lek can't see he's still wearing RDA clothes, albeit freshly washed. His cap is off, for once, resting on a desk next to him, and his hair is damp, like he's just gotten out of the shower.

There are bruises on his arms, along his throat. There are bandages where he had to cut out his own tracking chips after he blew up that base.

"I see you," So'lek says, gesturing tentatively.

Teylan opens his mouth, closes it, looks away. "Hi."

Not sure what else to do, So'lek crosses the room and carefully settles onto a heap of pillows at Teylan's side. He can see something on the bed besides Teylan, one of those human iterations of songcords that Priya calls a book. If he looks at it carefully he can decipher the Sky People writing on the cover, the words Growing Back Feathers: Aftermaths of Sexual Abuse for Survivors and Loved Ones.

"Sorry." Teylan blushes as he grabs the book and shoves it under the pillow. "Nor gave it to me, I don't...it was going around, I had some free time. It's stupid."

"It doesn't--I didn't mean to pry." So'lek fumbles for his pockets, trying not to accidentally pull out a stray dog tag or a grenade, trying not to think of the word sexual. "I wanted to give you this."

It might as well be a grenade for the way Teylan stiffens as So'lek pulls out the songcord. He presses back against the headboard, jaw tight, eyes darting anxiously over each of the tiny beads. "You found it?"

"After the battle." So'lek waits a long, awkward moment for Teylan to take the songcord before awkwardly setting it on the desk, next to the cap. "After you were taken." He clears his throat. "I am...sorry. That I didn't get to you in time."

"It's fine," Teylan says, in a way that sounds very not fine. He looks away, scratching his neck, and it's even harder than before to ignore the RDA logo stamped across his chest like a brand.

So'lek feels his tail wrap around his own leg, a child's anxiety, and does his best to ignore it as he speaks. "I can get you some new clothes--"

"No," Teylan says flatly. He squeezes his eyes shut, opens them to stare at nothing. "Sorry, but I don't...the bruises go everywhere. I don't want people to see that."

"There's no shame in bearing a warrior's wounds," So'lek points out.

"Warrior, huh." Teylan snorts, more bitter than So'lek's ever heard him.

"Yes, warrior," So'lek shoots back. "But if you wish, I can find you something else." Far be it from him to judge a Na'vi for wearing Dreamwalker garb, and there's probably something of Alma's (it's not like she's using it anymore) that will serve until Teylan heals.

But Teylan shakes his head, ears limp. "That's what the others said, but I can't--" He fiddles with the collar of his shirt, jaw tight. "I made them wash this instead, when I got back. It's not safe to wear anything else, not right now. He'd be...he'dmad. If he finds me, and I'm not wearing what he gave me."

Inhale. Exhale. So'lek chokes down the sudden, sharp urge to weep. "Teylan--"

"I know," Teylan growls, hunching over himself with a groan. "I fucking know, okay? Everyone says it, they all said he's never gonna touch me again, but they said it before and I don't--I can't--" He shakes his head, ears flapping like he's trying to ward off bugs. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm crazy, like I'm stupid." Teylan's hands tap frantically at the bed, tail lashing. "I'm not crazy--I'm not, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I'm..."

"I believe you," So'lek says firmly. "I don't think you're crazy, Teylan, but he will not touch you again, I swear it. And one day, you'll be able to believe me."

"You're..." Teylan lets out a long, slow breath, then another. So'lek breathes with him automatically, watching Teylan's chest rise and fall, rise and fall.

"You're probably right," Teylan admits, slowly uncurling. "But I can't--I can't. Not yet. Do you get that?"

"I think so," So'lek replies, honestly. He shifts slightly in place, then makes the offer before he can change his mind: "May I...hug you?"

Silence, so long that So'lek starts to think he's made a serious mistake. Then Teylan turns to look at him, frowning. "You mean it?"

"Of course." Teylan is well aware how sparing So'lek is with embraces, he has to know So'lek wouldn't say such a thing flippantly.

"O-okay, then." Teylan leans down slightly and So'lek reaches up, carefully wrapping his arms around Teylan's shoulders. It's an awkward hug, especially since he can't climb onto the bed with Teylan--something tells him that wouldn't be appreciated, not right now.

(Teylan smells odd, a blend of foreign and familiar, his heart thumping gently as it presses against So'lek's chest. His palm brushes down So'lek's back, stirring warmth in his belly, and he firmly pushes those sensations away). 

"You gotta let me go," Teylan murmurs suddenly, and So'lek obeys immediately.

"What's wrong?" he asks, worried he's made a mistake.

"It's nothing! I just, I need to make sure you would--it's fine." Teylan fumbles along the desk, grabbing, seemingly by accident, the songcord. He pulls it to his chest, over the RDA logo. "It's okay."

So'lek settles back, crossing his arms over his chest, trying to settle himself. "John Mercer," he announces decisively, "is a dead man walking. You and I will make sure of that."

Teylan rolls his eyes. "You always say the nicest things." But he's smiling as he says it, fingers brushing back and forth over the songcord like he's polishing a treasure.

[ghoulodont]

ok i want to make just one post about my thoughts & intentions from my latest fic. based on the tags/comments you all left it seems that overall everyone understood me. but theres one additional piece that i think i didnt represent well because its confusing, and that maybe would be hard to pick up on anyway because, again, its confusing.

i think dew is both aware and in denial in a way that might seem contradictory. he claims to know something is wrong, and that he knows it more than anyone else, but he rejects rains urging for him to actually address the problem. i suppose you could read it as him being deceptive in some way but i wanted him to be very very honest. he is genuinely struggling to wrap his head around these seemingly contradictory thoughts.

my intention was for this to parallel what i perceive to be an inherently contradictory aspect of psychosis. because what youre experiencing feels real to you, it sort of feels normal. it feels like something happening outside you. compare it to anxiety, for example -- both can be distressing experiences out of your control but anxiety is something that happens inside you (perhaps in reaction to external events, but the anxiety itself is yours), while psychosis, generally speaking, feels like it belongs to the outside world. in reality its an experience that isnt shared by others but it really feels like it is, or that it could be. maybe this is sort of obvious based on the definition of psychosis but i feel like just considering the definition doesnt quite do it justice.

and because it feels like it belongs to the outside world it can be challenging to confidently distinguish between things that are real to everyone and things that are real only to you. some external reality checking logic needs to be applied. again, maybe this is obvious. i guess what i really am trying to lead up to is how in this dichotomy between sensory experience and logic, its so hard to not believe your sensory experience, in a sort of lizard brain screaming at you way. it just makes so much more sense if your experience matches reality than to jump through a bunch of hoops reminding yourself why it doesnt. occams razor says you dont have schizophrenia.

this experience, which at its extreme would mean being unable to tell that you're unwell, is considered a core dimension of schizophrenia. people who get really medical and scientific with it will say its because of something happening in the brain (isnt everything?) but i think what i described above fully explains it. its confusing, so it makes sense to be confused.

honestly i think this adds to the conflict, that providers can be very quick to doubt your description of your own experience because they try to correct for this "blindness". its dehumanizing to be viewed this way. i really think it makes everything worse by playing into the "split" between ones thoughts and reality. i find myself not wanting to share things if i know im going to be argued with, and then by pulling away im losing one more point of contact with the outside world.

but besides all that i do think for dew theres an aspect of just plain denial & avoidance as well. a good 20% of the original blur turns to haze fic was about how miserable it is to take antipsychotics but it was mostly focused on the side effects. in my experience even once you find one where the side effects are tolerable its still unpleasant. in the same way antidepressants might cause you to feel somewhat emotionally blunted antipsychotics are like that x1000. they really do feel like a drug you give someone to make them shut up. maybe thats just me.

anyway, this is something i want to focus on in chapter 4 of you will die again...... which i am totally working on. i would be curious to know if this aligns with how you read the fic or not but no pressure of course

[walkswithmyfather]

“🙏❤️❤️ HOPE ❤️❤️🙏”

“My HOPE is in the LORD always

Psalm 42:5 “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.”

This is such a beautiful verse read it and pin it to your heart

Worldly Hope…. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

Biblical hope … Biblical hope has as its foundation faith in God.

The word hope in English definition often conveys doubt.

I hope it will not rain tomorrow

I hope my results test results will be good

I hope we can get together

I hope everything will be ok

BIBLICAL HOPE is a reality and not a feeling.

BIBLICAL HOPE carries no doubt.

BIBLICAL HOPE is a sure foundation upon which we base our lives, believing that God always keeps His promises.

Hope or confident assurance can be ours when we trust the words He who believes on Me has everlasting life

John 6:47 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.

Accepting that gift of eternal life means our hope is no longer filled with doubt.

Hope is a small word, but it is one of the most powerful.

It is powerful because in hope lies the power of the human soul to turn to God and live as if His promises are going to come true.

Psalm 31:24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.

Some people when they speak of hope use it as an emotion. They say I am feeling hopeful but true hope is a discipline and a determination to believe in God’s reality and power even when the world seems to be crashing down around us.

The power of hope flies in the face of calamity, saying The world can do its worst to me but still I will hope. My hope is in the Lord. I will know that this is the day the Lord has made and He will take care of me.

The key to surviving any challenge or crisis is hope.

Hope that Jesus loves you.

Hope that He is, right now, working out a solution for you.

Hope that the future you place in His hands will be better than the present you hold in your own.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Today take a few moments and practice hope. Hope on the Lord . With its power you will overcome all things.

Isaiah 40:31. “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

During the course of our day there are so many reasons to feel discouraged

When we listen to the news on tv we hear the problems in the world

When we face challenges that seem overwhelming

When we have problems that don’t seem to have solutions.

There are certainly times when we can feel hopeless.

The Bible speaks to us about these times

1 Corinthians 13:13. “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.”

The verse above teaches us that all of us need hope.

The verse above teaches us that hope endures

No matter how dark or depressing our circumstances may appear, we always can hope in God.

God wants to give us hope in any situation, no matter how dark things might seem.

But we should not merely hope. God wants us to rejoice in hope!

Paul knew what it was like to have hope in the midst of hopeless situations. A perfect example

Acts 16:25.“And at midnight Paul and Silas prayed, and sang praises unto God: and the prisoners heard them.”

Acts 16:26. “And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's bands were loosed.”

See when we look to the world it certainly can provide answers but they only give short term relief.

Know we will be hopeless if we look at circumstances and let the world dictate how we think.

We may go through situations that are threatening, that can cause

Uncertainty, Anxiety, Doubt, Fear

But if we depend on God we can know that He is the source of hope, and we can rejoice in Him and the hope He promises us.

If we have hope we can be filled with joy and peace no matter what is going on in the world.

Today take a moment see the beauty surrounding you and no matter what it is you are going through do not allow yourself to place your hope in the world, the world system, or any human being in the world

Rejoice in the hope that God has given you.

Place your hope in the living God and His eternal power to save and make everything right in His time, in His way.

God is so good . Always keep your hope in the Lord . He goes before you and is always with you. He will see you through everything you go through.”

From: “Beneath The Shadow Of Thy Wings” (FB)

[allycat75]

Let's talk a bit about anxiety, Boston Dumb Fuck.

(a bit of a long one, but I feel some things have been brought up in recent days that I thought should be addressed. Still think I am screaming into a void, but if this helps anyone struggling, it is worth it)

But more specifically, responsibility for ones own anxiety care. And before I start, I want to emphasize I have no doubt of your struggle. It is like being haunted and there are few places to hide. I can understand why your instinct was to shush it all away, but I think you can see now, that did little for your coping skills.

Anxiety doesn't go away by ignoring it, or worse, pawning it off on others. It requires planning, rehearsals and simple acknowledgement to be able to function in your day, doing as little harm to yourself and others. Some days will be better or worse, of course, mainly because anxiety does serve a physiological purpose- it helps us to recognize threats. Our job is to identify if those threats are real or not and to what degree can we mitigate either the threat itself or our response to it. The more we practice, the less we are held hostage by the "fight", "flight", "freeze" and "fawn" responses.

I would argue, BDF, what you have done with this PR stunt is set off a dirty bomb of anxiety, born out of your own fears that got you to agree to this ridiculous plan in the first place, and spread radioactively throughout your fandom. You poisoned the ones standing closest to it, the ones who supported you the most, and began by confounding what was real and what was fake. This, in turn, bloomed into self-doubt and warring factions, leading many of us to question what is true and false and honestly, which was worse. And do we care either way?

You manipulated situations, told half-truths and outright lies, not to telegraph to or protect your fans, but to selfishly create plausible deniability and legal CYA for yourself when this is over. It's like the type of obfuscation used by Aaron Rogers when he smugly blamed everyone for thinking he got the NFL required COVID vaccine, when all he said was he had "immunity", basically saying "I am sorry you were too stupid to interpret the exact words that came out of my mouth and not the spirit behind them."

We are considered collateral damage in a junior high drama produced by grown adults, that we were drafted into participating against our knowledge and permission. We are all a bit on edge, at least the ones who decided to stay to see how this all plays out, and it is kinda, sorta cruel to inflict that hurt on those who had your back at one point, when you know how painful this process can be.

Only looking out for yourself, but what is left to look out for at this point? You look sickly and broken. No real career prospects currently and seemingly no drive to find them. You have nothing to offer any decent woman. No discernible coping or decision making skills. No discernible skills at all, really. There are enough people already making great pottery and I think Jinx can sell dog food just fine without you.

And this is not even getting into how "marrying" that little prize of a wifey now normalizes racism, sexism, antisemitism, agism, xenophobia, fatshaming and pay-to-play vs actual talent and dedication to craft.

So if all of this gives you anxiety, it most definitely should, and know this is of your own making. But the best thing is, it can be of your own fixing as well. You can become the person with discernible skills of all types. You can get roles that match the talent you have hidden within you. You can be worthy of that soulmate Empress partner. You just need to get rid of the wrong people, get a hold of the right people and do the goddamn work, you privleged son of a bitch!

Just some things to contemplate as you come out of your dissociative state, realize you have an impact on the world around you and consider the amends you may need to make to repair the damage left behind.

Until you can get yourself to a trained professional (but please find one soon and start the hard work), hopefully some of these resources can be helpful:

For your family and friends:

[findingmelissa]

Lately when I go to see my mom or sister, I listen to Sam Harris on the way because I can usually find something useful in his words to get me calm on the drive over. Well, yesterday, I heard the most useful stuff yet. It was from his Introductory Course on the Waking Up app, Day 25, Theory - The Social Self.

This is the gist of it:

You should go into these difficult situations knowing you will feel negative states of mind - self-judgment, self-doubt, annoyance, anxiety. You know certain challenges will appear. You will feel negative emotions. Simply feel them... and then let them go. Don't act on them. Don't say something counterproductive. Let these feelings wash over you. If that's too hard, let just one of them wash over you. Just notice the emotion and let it arise and pass away. And if all else fails, turn to compassion. Realize that the people you are dealing with are suffering. Drowning in their own self-concern, anxiety, unhappiness. And whatever comes out of this social interaction, you also don't need to carry it around with you after you leave.

I have told myself a version of all of this before. But something about the way he phrased this really hit me the right way yesterday.

I am not even close to just letting negative emotions wash over me and pass away. I have achieved it at times but definitely no consistency. It's so hard.

I am great at the compassion part with my sister though. Every time I see her, I have to go through a process of anger giving way to compassion for about the first half hour. Then, all good. I guess I need to do the same with my mom.

Because if nothing else, they are both suffering. Understatement. They are very unhappy people, whether they suppress it or are unaware of it, doesn't matter. They exude unhappiness and lack of self-love, self-respect, engagement in life... they both even have resting frown face. It's painful.

So. I went into yesterday trying to remember all this. The visit still didn't go all smoothly. It never does. But I will keep working on it. And I will keep in mind that I don't have to react or attach or dwell on it.

Dwelling on it is actually a big problem for me. I berate myself for not being kind enough or good enough and for making them (well, my mom) more unhappy. As difficult as she and my sister are, I feel like it is my responsibility to be the one who behaves "perfectly" because they never will - and when I do, when I have a great attitude and stay calm, they do too. They feed off of me. They always have. Just like they did with my dad. So if I behave okay, it makes everything okay.

This goes back to the family role from my childhood, of course. But I am not responsible for their happiness. I know this, but have not accepted it yet.

Anyway. Not sure where else I was headed with this, but wanted to get the Sam Harris stuff down. Sure do love that dude.

[skylarmoon71]

Alexander (Grimm) - Oneshot

Alexander has heard about a lot of outrageous requests, but he never thought he’d be a part of this one.

“You’d like me to babysit?”

His face displayed confusion.

Whenever Nick Burkhardt showed up, he almost always expected some kind of chaos. Yet this time the situation seemed less like impending catastrophe.

“Trust me if I had someone else I would ask. We’re about to head on vacation for the next three weeks. I found her and she needs someone who knows about this. You’re a minister now. Since you have a base here in Portland I figured you were the best bet. Plus the council wants us to cooperate right. Grimms and Wesen. This is the perfect place to start.”

When he decided to rebuild the organization, he didn’t really see babysitting as one of the more crucial parts of that.

“I am still confused. What is so special about this woman?”

“Oh, she’s a Grimm. Distant cousin I think.”

He said it so casually and Alexander’s expression just remained blank. This must have been some type of joke.

“Just so I understand your request, you would like me to babysit a Grimm. A possible relative of yours who no doubt could decapitate me at any time.”

Nick shook his head.

“Don’t worry, she’s more of a lover, not a fighter. That’s why I need you to look after her. You don’t have to watch her around the clock. Just, keep an eye on her.”

Alexander still didn’t look enthusiastic.

“Anyway, thanks again.”

Nick went rushing out the room and Alexander followed, only to be blocked by a woman that was now peering at him curiously. He caught the end of Nick’s jacket as he rushed to the staircase. Alexander growled inwardly.

“Burkhardt.”

He was clearly displeased. His eyes moved back to the very reason for his annoyance.

You blinked, wearing a small smile.

“Nice to meet you, I’m (Y/N) Reinhardt. You must be Alexander.”

He could already feel the migraine forming.

Despite his displeasure with the situation, he did as Nick asked. After all, he had stopped a revolution. The least he could do was do this simple task. Alexander wrote down the address for both his office and home. Handing it to you. Since Rosalee, Monroe and the rest of Nick’s crew were off to vacation, he couldn’t exactly ask for a hand. So he gave you his number.

“This is my main office. If you need anything, you’re free to stop by. I cannot bodyguard you everyday, so I encourage you to avoid placing yourself in situations where you will be a target for Wesen.”

“I won’t have to fight, right? Wesen I mean.”

He thought it was a joke, but you seemed generally concerned at the thought.

“You’ve never fought a wesen before?”

“What! Of course not! Why would I go around beating up random people? Do I look like a psycho?”

He had half the mind to tell you that your ancestors did in fact run around decapitating his kind. But from your anxiety of just fighting one, he figured the idea of death might just make you faint. He didn’t need the extra work.

“Where do you work?”

You perked up.

“At the vet. I love animals. I’m interning. I’m hoping one day to open my own clinic.”

The way your face lit up almost made him forget that you were a descendant of trained killers.

“Give me your address. Burkhardt would be disappointed if he returned and I’d failed at something so simple.”

You nodded, giving him the necessary information.

“So you’re pretty important huh? Nick said you were some kind of minister. Also this Wesen Council I’m assuming is filled with just Wesen. What do you guys do exactly? How many Wesen are there in the world? Are there more like you? Does it hurt when you woge? It looks like it hurts.”

With every question he could feel a notch of his patience slip away. Surely if his ancestors could see him now they would be rolling in their graves.

“I have to go. Call me if you have any questions.”

He just walked away and you shrugged, heading back to your day job.

For the first week, nothing spectacular happened. You would stop by the office after you got off your shift and just ask him a long list of questions. Luckily he’d learned to multitask, so he still got his work done. But your presence was still very much a distraction. Especially when you showed up unannounced and he had to deal with..

“A GRIMM!!”

The scream echoed throughout the building and he heard a crash from the hallway. His instinct was to rush to you to explain the situation. Most of the ministers were aware of the union, but many of the employees still had a hard time adjusting. He broke the corner just in time to see you scrambling in his direction.

He intended to lecture you for being careless, but you ran right into his chest, holding onto him desperately. He didn’t realize until he looked down that you were crying. It took him a second to gather himself and when he pulled you back, there was a scratch on your cheek, the blood running down. You looked absolutely terrified and he felt anger bubble in his chest when he saw your attacker follow after.

“Benjamin!”

Alexander’s tone was firm, and you moved behind him when you saw the man who’d attacked you. He was still woge.

A balam.

He changed back when he heard the call, stopping right in front of Alexander.

“S-She’s a Grimm!”

“I am aware. I’m sure you’ve been briefed. If not I insist that you become more acquainted with the policies. Burkhardt and any others associated with him are our allies. Any harm to her will result in unsavory consequences.” Alexander’s eyes glowed and Benjamin swallowed, taking a step back.

“I-I apologize sir. It won’t happen again.”

“See that it doesn’t.”

Nothing else was said. Benjamin casted a look in your direction before he nodded, turning and walking away. Once his form disappeared, Alexander turned to you fully.

“I informed you that whenever you come you must let me know in advance. It’s dangerous for you even here. We were once infiltrated by extremists. I’ve been diligent about the individuals within the organization but we can’t get reckless.”

You still looked shaken, but you nodded.

“Y-Yes. I-I’m sorry. I should have called.”

You were still holding onto his sleeve and he noticed that your entire body was shaking. He couldn’t help but observe how different you were from what he expected. They were always told that Grimms were to be feared. They lacked nothing. They were strong, ambitious, driven and dangerous. Not to ever be taken lightly.

Without compassion.

After meeting Nick, he realized that those previous claims were wrong. But with you, it seemed to instill just that. Above all else, Grimms were still people. Like all of them. Even more so with you. Your knowledge of their world was vague, if even that. He never thought he’d be responsible for protecting the very thing he was taught to fear.

“Reinhardt.”

You looked up at him shakily and he felt sympathetic at how scared you truly were. That had obviously been your first aggressive encounter with a Wesen.

“I gave Burkhardt my word, I will protect you.”

Your eyes held a certain type of vulnerability. As you looked at him, he saw it, the trust you’d placed in him. You nodded, and he intended to carry you to clean the cut, but you hugged him again and he froze.

“Thank you.”

Your hands were wrapped around him, and he couldn’t get his body to move. He just stood there, feeling a bit strange at the warmth that ran through his chest as you held him. Before he realized it, he was returning the embrace.

He didn't dwell on it.

The second week it was much more calm.

You always sent a text before you showed up and he made a habit of meeting you in the lobby to ensure no more scuffles happened. It seemed that after the encounter you became somewhat glued to his side. You still badgered him with questions, but whenever you looked at him, there was a twinkle in your eyes he wasn’t fully familiar with. 

At least not from a Grimm.

“So you’re Wesen too right? What kind?”

He was filling out a document when you asked the question.

“I am Pflichttreue.”

You straightened in your seat.

“Loyal, dutiful, ambitious.”

The way you listed it off sounded like something you recited from a book. He looked up and you smiled awkwardly.

“Sorry. I’ve been reading the books. I got a few from my grandmother along with a lot of other stuff. I always thought they were just artifacts. I guess there was more to it than that.”

He’d heard of Grimm collections. He could only imagine what some people would do to get their hands on that.

“You should place those items in a secure place. Some Wesen would kill to obtain or destroy those items."

You smiled.

“Don’t worry, they're safe. Nick told me the same thing.”

You half expected him to ask you where these books were, but instead he’d warned you to keep them safe.

“You’re a pretty nice guy aren't you Alexander. Most people would have just pretended to do this, but you’ve been looking out for me. I appreciate it.”

You were fiddling with your sleeve. He caught the action.

“I know by Grimm standards I’m pretty much a disappointment. I’ve seen Nick and Trubel. They're both strong and fearless. I admire them and I get why they do what they do but I..I still don’t get why Wesen and Grimms have to be enemies. Can’t we all just get along?”

The question was not one he’d fully considered. If he hadn’t met Nick he would still be on the opposite side of things. Grimms were the only beings on earth capable of seeing past the mask. That’s why they were dangerous.

He’d like to say that the Grimms were the villains of the stories, but they weren’t completely at fault. There were Wesen out there that were merciless. Some that needed the fear of someone that could stand up to them. No one involved was without blame. You were still new to all that came with your abilities, so he expected such a naive point of view.

“In this world there is good and evil. It is often hard to distinguish between which side we are on. Are the Grimms right for eradicating Wesen? Are we wrong for living up to our true natures? There is too much to account for. Too much that the world cannot control. All we can truly do is survive.”

From the way your face fell, that clearly wasn’t the answer you wanted. At the moment, he couldn’t provide much more.

Week three he was the one who stopped by your place of work. He hadn’t seen you for three days. Although you texted that you were alright, he needed to verify. Just for a piece of mind. Walking in, he asked to see you. Sitting patiently he waited with some other customers. When you walked out wearing scrubs, he could see your surprise at his visit.

“Alexander?”

“Ms. Reinhardt, are you free for lunch, I would like to treat you.”

You looked hesitant, but you still agreed.

“I get a break in ten minutes. Do you mind waiting?”

He shook his head.

“Okay, I’ll be out soon.”

You were heading back and he watched you go. There was something in his gut that twisted at the sight of you disappearing into the other room. He didn’t understand why his stomach churned at the idea of you away from him. Maybe it was his duty to the promise he made. He tried not to dwell on it as he took a seat, waiting.

On cue, ten minutes later you were dressed more casually, purse in hand. You smiled at the receptionist as you left for your break. Alexander followed at your side.

The trip to the cafe nearby was quiet. He couldn’t read why you seemed less cheery than usual. There was an almost sullen atmosphere around you. Before you could step inside he took your wrist, leading you to the side, out of earshot of others.

“Has something happened?”

You just shook your head.

“Nothing happened, everything is fine.”

You managed a smile, but he could see the sadness behind it. He couldn’t understand the reason.

“If that is true, then why are you distant? Why do you seem sad?”

You swallow. It seems you were struggling to keep up the facade you were trying so hard to maintain. Your lips quivered. It finally looked like too much for you to hide.

“D-Do you hate me Alexander?”

He was puzzled.

“Where is this coming from, I do not understand why you would-”

“Do you hate me!”

This time you were yelling and a woman that passed by stared. He was lost, completely and utterly lost. When he saw the tears begin to form in your eyes, he felt defeated. Why did any personal feelings he had for you matter?

His only job was to watch you until Burkhardt came back. That was all. His like or dislike should not even be a factor yet..watching you so hurt at the idea of him hating you did something to him. He could almost feel your pain.

He took your shoulders gently and you looked up at him.

“I do not hate you.”

It was the most honest he’d been with himself in ages. There was instant relief in your eyes.

“Really..”

Alexander nodded.

“There is nothing in this world that would make me hate someone as compassionate as you.”

He meant it too. Maybe it was due to how different we were compared to the stories and assumptions that he heard. Possibly the way you looked at him. Like he wasn’t some soldier, or an assassin, or even a minister fighting for a world of peace among Wesen. You didn’t see those attributes. To you, everyone was just a person. Not the beast that was hidden. But souls that deserved to have everything, regardless of how different they were.

“Do you hate me?”

You shook your head immediately, and he found himself smiling. There was also the aspect of your honesty. How easy it was to read you. How transparent you were with him.

“I am glad.”

For the time being, that felt like enough.

At the end of week four, Nick had returned and expressed his thanks. He was pleased that you were safe and seemed generally more sure of your place given the situation. Alexander knew then that there was really no reason for him to continue to see you. That’s why he didn’t understand why he was now standing in Rosalee’s shop, hoping to see you.

“Alexander? What’s wrong?”

Nick looked ready for just about any terrible news and Alexander laughed internally at the irony. His reaction had been quite the same when he came in unexpectedly.

Monroe and Rosalee came out of the back room, and when he saw you follow behind with a smile on your face, he felt instant relief. He hadn’t seen you for a while since Nick returned and he realized at that moment that he’d gotten used to you coming to his office. Asking him questions. Making observations.

You looked over when you saw him, surprise rushing over your features.

“Alexander, is something wrong?”

He moved to your side, shaking his head. He realized then why he had been having such reactions to you. His focus on his work and need to carry out his duties had left him oblivious to how quickly his feelings for you had started to change.

How easily he’d fallen for you.

“I needed to see you.”

You tilt your head and Nick seems just as curious.

“Why?”

He just smiled.

“Because I cannot seem to stop thinking about you Ms. Reinhardt.”

The admission took a minute to sink in, but when it did, heat rushed to your cheeks like the eruption of a volcano. You were blushing and stuttering incoherently and his smile just grew wider. Monroe and Nick looked a bit awkward, and Rosalee just wore a soft smile at the very sweet moment.

“W-We’ll just leave you two alone.” Monroe blurted, taking Rosalee’s hand. Nick nodded, making a sharp turn following him into the backroom. The double doors closed, but it did nothing to stop the flush on your face.

“I apologize if I am being too forward.”

You shook your head bashfully.

“I-It’s okay. I appreciate the honesty.”

Your voice was somewhat small. Alexander took a step forward and you could feel the quick increase of your pulse. You seem to truly process just how tall he was compared to you. His stature, his values, those eyes..you were weak.

“I would very much like to see you often, not out of an obligation, but a choice. One I hope that you share.”

You nod, because you wanted nothing more than to see him. Be with him. The fact that he was standing here making such a request meant more to you than he’ll ever know.

“I..I want that too..”

You caught the quick flash in his eyes and you swallow. Alexander smirked.

“Would it be too bold of me to make another request?”

You were so distracted by his eyes that you barely processed the question.

“A request..”

It was a mutter.

Alexander nodded, hand lifting as he placed it delicately on your cheek. You all but held your breath when his thumb brushed your lower lip. Before you could think of a response, he leaned in. The softness of his lips felt almost illegal. He shouldn’t have tasted so good, smelled so heavenly.

You pulled in a sharp breath through your nose and his hand moved to your waist, pulling you slightly off the ground and flushed to his body. Your fingers flattened against his suit, relishing in the feel of muscle. You always suspected there was something that his neat tailored suits covered up.

Your hands reached up, wrapping around his neck as you returned his kiss with equal amount of passion. Your hands went from feeling to grabbing. Alexander groaned and you moaned yourself when your back knocked into a shelf. A few of the bottles jingled, but neither of you pulled away.

You were pawing at his body, and he was doing quite the same. This time you were the one who pushed and Alexander grinned into the kiss, just as he knocked a bottle to the floor. You were trying to push his suit jacket off his body when Nick and the others walked into the room to find out what the commotion was.

“H-Hey! No sex in the shop!!” Monroe yelled.

Neither of you responded, still kissing feverishly as another bottle hit the floor. Nick winced. Both at the sight of both of you going at it like teenagers and the damage to Rosalee’s shop. Monroe turned back to Nick.

“You’re paying for this.”

“Why me!!”

“Because you’re the one who did this!” 

He pointed to the both of you, still making out shamelessly.

Nick scratched the back of his head.

In hindsight, he made a pretty good cupid. 

[vintageshanny]

As a very shy, introverted person, it can be extremely difficult for me to open up or let people in. But here in the relative anonymity of Tumblr on this rainy Saturday, I feel compelled to share what Elvis means to me in my life. When I was a child, I was sexually abused by my grandfather over the course of several years (anyone who read my “Any Way You Want Me” fic may recognize this character’s backstory as my own). This trauma led to various mental health issues in my life, including a life-long struggle with depression and anxiety and a sometimes overwhelming feeling of being inadequate. I have wondered so many times in my life what I would have been like without this trauma, and wished that I could maybe be that non-existent person. Immersing myself in all things Elvis for the last eight months has brought me a newfound appreciation for not just him as an artist, but the ways in which we can persevere regardless of what life has dealt us. Elvis persevered through circumstances that I could not begin to understand. The extreme poverty, the genetic health conditions, the easy access to temptations, the constant scrutiny and criticism of every action and decision he made - these are things that can wear a person down. Through all that, I believe he remained at heart a kind person. I know sometimes he made decisions that were unwise, unkind, or unhealthy for himself and others, but I cannot claim to be above that myself. If someone compiled a list of my worst actions and decisions, I do not think it would paint a true picture of who I am as a person. I’ve also seen criticism that Elvis was “unwilling” to get the help he needed. Maybe this is just a semantic argument, but I would say that he was perhaps unable, not unwilling. To want help and to find in yourself the ability to ask for it are not always the same thing. I do not know what was in Elvis’ head regarding the things he was going through, especially toward the end of his life, but I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt because I truly believe he tried the best he knew how. Sometimes I wonder if I just have stars in my eyes, excusing anything wrong he may have done, but I just can’t accept that it would be wrong for me to love him unconditionally when he has brought so much joy into my life. Apart from my appreciation for all the difficult things he fought his way through, his music just touches my soul. I think he sacrificed a lot of his personal well-being to share this gift with all of us. I wish he could still be around to see it, but I am grateful that he left us this lasting legacy. And I am grateful for all of you, the new friends he has brought into my life. ❤️❤️❤️

[daidonzo]

Chapter 21 - This world is only going to break your heart

You were staring at Chishiya from across the room.

He had said, very naturally, helping you close a collar that could blow your head off at any moment around your neck, that during this game you should pretend not to know each other.

"Excuse me?" You were still fuming because of that almost-kiss that had left you standing there, opening and closing your mouth like a goldfish, with your eyes shut.

"It's a hearts game." He stated.

"You told me…"

"I am not using you, but they will. You are not a liability, but us caring for each other is."

You had accepted after a while, because it did make sense. You just didn't like that it had to be like that.

So there you were, in the central guardroom of a prison (apparently penitentiary center was just a fancy name for jail), surrounded by two types of people: one, those who looked scared and were trying to make themselves seem smaller so that nobody would focus on them… And two, those who looked just plain bored and uninterested.

There was actually a third type: Chishiya. Observing everything and everyone, having placed himself in a position where he was able to watch any player that would come in, arms crossed, wearing the hood of his white jacket and hiding his face in the shadows.

You guessed you didn't fit into any of those categories either, because you were nervously fidgeting, shifting your weight from one leg to the other, drumming your fingers against the wall.

"Difficulty, Jack of Hearts." You looked around you. The palms of your hands started to sweat.

"He is not going to let you die." You whispered softly, so that nobody else could hear you. Even if they would, they wouldn't have understood, since you had used your native language.

But you had doubts, of course you did. Because knowing Chishiya as well as you did (would you say you knew him well? Or just more than others?), you knew he was ruthless, selfish and stone-hearted. He wasn't like that with you, though. Or was it all just a role he was playing?

He had betrayed Arisu and Usagi, after all.

You shook your head to get rid of those thoughts. They were not true. It was just the anxiety of having to play this foolish game.

The voice continued, and the only screen present in the room lit up. "Game: Prison Cell. Rules: guess the suit that appears on the back of your collar. However, you cannot see your own suit." You lifted your hand towards your own collar, and tried to move it. No, it wouldn't shift. "The time per limit round is one hour. Five minutes before the time is up, enter one of the prison cells and guess what your own suit is." A corridor illuminated. It was, just as the woman's robotic voice had said, full of holding cells.

"If you do not guess your suit correctly, the game is over for you. When time runs out, your collar will explode, and you will die. In addition, your suit will change at every round."

"But we just need to have someone tell us what it is, right? That'll be easy!" Exclaimed a guy wearing a striped t-shirt and overalls, standing next to Chishiya. He seemed too nice to be here. And to have survived this long.

"Prison Cell is a test of how much can you trust others." The voice kept going. "In addition, the Jack of Hearts has secretly joined the game as one of the participants." Of course they had.

You looked at the young man who had spoken. You felt sorry for him, especially after seeing the look on his face now.

You found that you were not too worried. Chishiya would tell you your suit. You would tell him his. Both of you would survive this. Unless one of you lied. But… None of you would, right?

This was what the game was all about.

"Clear condition: Every hour, this will be repeated. The game is cleared when the Jack of Hearts, who is hiding among you, is killed. Prohibited activities: use of reflective objects or surfaces. You may also not use violence or weapons to kill others."

Basically, you couldn't just go crazy, like Aguni did on The Beach and start shooting everybody. You had to trick the Jack of Hearts into trusting you, and lie to them about their suit.

"There is no time limit."

This game could last forever, then.

"There is plenty of food. While participating in this game, the days remaining on your visas will not be reduced. The game starts now." A countdown of one hour showed up on the screen. "You may pass the time anywhere you like until it is time to enter a prison cell."

You looked around. No one had yet moved, but groups were starting to form.

You couldn't trust anyone. Anyone except the blonde man who had decided to pretend like you didn't know each other at all. You looked at him, but he wasn't looking on your direction.

"I have an idea! Why don't we make a team and tell each other? Then nobody can lie." A very pretty girl with space buns and a blue dress had spoken, a smile on her face. People rushed to join her. But what the others didn't notice is that she was clearly establishing herself as the leader of said group. And, if she decided to lie to someone and get rid of them, they would all follow. Or maybe you were reading too much into this.

You grunted, pressing the bridge of your nose between your index and thumb. You could feel a pounding headache coming up.

"Hey!" The pretty girl, who had introduced herself as Urumi, was coming towards you. "Do you want to join our team? It's okay if you don't want to. Oh, maybe you don't speak…"

"I do." You said simply, smiling as wide as you could given the circumstances, hoping to fool the others. You realized you sounded scared, and switched to a more cheerful tone. "Both, I speak your language and would like to join! Thank you so much!"

Surprisingly, Chishiya and the guy in overalls joined the team as well.

You started to tell each other your suits.

You breathed deeply when your turn came, lifting your hair so that the others could see the back of your neck.

"Spades!" Urumi giggled. The others did as well. But you didn't fully relax until you heard Chishiya's voice.

"Spades."

They were not lying, then.

But still, when it was time to enter the prison cell and declare your suit, you didn't feel calm.

What if they had lied? What if Chishiya had lied, as well, just to not be discovered by the others? He wouldn't have done that. He loved you. He had said so himself.

Was everything that had happened between you two just a lie? A preparation for this moment?

"Spades." You whimpered, barely audible.

The door made an opening sound. So they hadn't lied to you. He hadn't lied to you.

You were still alive.

And so was everybody else.

Nobody had died.

You saw the guy with the overalls smile at Chishiya, his excitement at being alive being met with a blank, unemotional stare. You sighed. Would it kill him to show a little bit of kindness and compassion towards others? The poor guy just wanted a friend, someone to trust.

So you got close to them, and smiled, as bright as you possibly could.

"Hi! I'm so glad everything worked out so well! What's your name?"

The blonde man looked at you, probably wondering what the hell you were doing, but you ignored him.

"I'm so glad, as well! My name's Ippei, what's yours?" You told him. "Oh, so nice!"

"Thank you! And what about you?" You turned to Chishiya, looking at him directly in the eyes. You had to pretend like you didn't know each other, that didn't mean you couldn't meet in game, did it?

And just as it had happened in a theme park after a game of diamonds in which he had saved your life, a long, long time ago, the man stared back. Only this time, he couldn't avoid the half-smile present on his lips.

"Name's Chishiya."

[to-the-stars8]

Vigilant Coffee

Batfamily x Reader Chapters AO3

4- Bat-Taser

You had just clocked in, left alone for the night by your boss, when you heard the doorbell chime. You were still trying to tie the apron around your waist, so you called out to them to wait one moment. A voice called back, and you instantly recognized it. It was even in tone but sounded extremely tired. Red Robin. Every time you heard his name you couldn’t help but giggle a little as you remembered the chain of restaurants. Finally turning around you gave him a kind smile. Just from a glance, you could tell something was taking a toll on him. 

It was usually in the way he stood. When Red Robin was confident he stood upright and swung around his dangerous metal pole, and, when he was anxious, he slouched while leaning against it. 

“How’s your night been?” You asked, already picking up his cup as you walked to the counter. “Also, ice or no ice this time?”

“No ice,” Red Robin said. “And it’s been shit.”

You wrote a silly message on the cup as you asked, “Awe, why’s that?”

“Can’t say,” He said. “It’s personal.”

You nodded, then turned back around to make his coffee. Like with Batman’s coffee, it never took you long to make. Within two minutes you were already sliding the cup over to him. Picking it up, Red Robin looked at the little message on it and a ghost of a smile appeared on his face. 

“Thanks,” He said, voice thick with a somber undertone. 

You smiled kindly. “Of course, Red. I know you’re secretive about your problems and stuff, but if you ever need a third-party perspective just let me know.”

“Sure, thanks,” Red Robin said then left. 

You shrugged off his dismissive words and continued to work. For the most part, the evening was quiet despite a few college students stopping in for the late-night caffeine fix and Red Hood passing through for a quick flirt and a hot chocolate. It was a pretty easy shift for you all in all. 

At four AM you finally closed up shop, clocking out before starting your walk home. There weren’t many people, actually nearly none, so you held your pepper spray in your hand. It wouldn’t be much in a fight, but it would be enough to give you time to run. You were waiting at a crosswalk when you heard a voice call to you. It nearly made you jump out of your skin until it registered as a familiar voice. Looking up, you saw Red Robin on top of the street light. 

“Hey,” You said as you regained your composure. “Are—are you finally gonna kill me?”

“What?” He asked then jumped off. “Bats don’t kill except for Red Hood, Batwoman, and sometimes Robin.”

“That does not make me feel better, you ass,” You said. “Walk with me and talk.”

“Okay,” He said. “You cannot tell anyone about this. What I tell you, you must forget.”

“Gotcha,” You said. 

Sucking in a break, Red Robin finally let go. Apparently, he had a friend who was a civilian, like you, and he didn’t know how to tell his friend who he really was. It had been giving him anxiety for weeks because he was terrified of how this friend would react. You sucked in a breath, thinking deeply about the subject for a few seconds. 

You tried to picture how you would feel if your boyfriend suddenly revealed to you they had been keeping a secret identity. A bit mad, you knew, because of the secret kept from you, though also understanding. It wasn’t like it was easy being a vigilante, especially for long where keeping your identity something hidden was kind of the entire point. 

“Well, if it was me I’d attempt to understand, but I don’t know your friend,” You said. “If they get mad try to understand why they feel that way and work through it. I doubt they will, though, I can imagine this whole thing being kind of difficult.”

Red Robin snickered. “You have no idea.” He was quiet for a second. “I’m nervous.”

“Of course you are,” You said with a matter-of-fact tone. “And that’s okay. You think about if they’re likely to not be happy about it, then think why that is. From there you choose whether or not it’s best for them to know right now.”

The two of you finally came to your street, and Red Robin looked at you with a look of thoughtfulness. 

“I think I understand. Thank you for listening,” He said. 

You furrowed your brows in confusion. “What did I listen to again?”

He chuckled, saying another thank you before he disappeared into the shadows. It was weird, it was like one second he was there then the next gone. Sighing, you continued but felt eyes on you. You knew he was somewhere, but when you looked around it was nothing but empty, smelly Gotham. 

Shaking your head, you headed in and were surprised when you saw a cup on your kitchen counter. Picking it up you saw the message you had put on Red Robin’s cup earlier and turned to see another. Next to the cup was a red taser. 

I hope you have a better night, RR! And keep kicking Condiment King’s ass!

Just so you know your pepper spray won’t save you, so take this battaser.