#I have THOUGHTS and FEELINGS about resurrected Shepard | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

clericofshadows · 1 year ago

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your name means traitor

Description: Regis boards the Normandy SR-2, makes his stance on Cerberus clear to the crew--new and old--and learns some information about his resurrection. He also reads through the dossiers and finally gets a little bit of good news in his trapped situation.

Pairing: Regis Shepard/Kaidan Alenko, Regis Shepard/Kaidan Alenko/Zaeed Massani (past)

Rating: M

Notes: Regis is one angry bastard in this fic, and honestly, he's like that through the entirety of ME2. So, he's not the most pleasant person in this fic, and targets many different characters in his anger.

Context: Regis talks about his dogtags a lot in this fic. for extra context, check out these fics: late night conversations and you got me in a chokehold.

Cerberus revived the Butcher, so they were going to get the Butcher, his fangs bared and talons sharpened.

Because the Butcher doesn't play nice when he feels threatened, and Cerberus is about to find out exactly how ruthless he could be. How relentless he can be in his rage. How far he will go to never bow down.

Even if it meant dying in such a way that there's no coming back next time.

Regis will give them exactly what they deserve. Losing his humanity in the process is just a price he's willing to pay.

Because Kaidan isn't here to bring him back from the brink.

He sneered at Lawson once they made it to the CIC, after she and Taylor got him up to speed at all the new features on the Normandy. "This is my goddamn ship, and no one else's. Get ready for my announcement. And we'll see if their loyalties truly lie with me. Because if they don't? I'll welcome them to the airlock."

"Acting like this isn't going to make the situation better. You should want all the allies you can get,” Lawson said.

Regis laughed sharply. "Then you don't know me at all. You wanted Commander Shepard? Well, you're also getting the Butcher of Torfan. Should've thought of that before you wielded your scalpel." He pushed back with a bit of biotic power, causing her to stumble and stepped up on the pedestal to the galaxy map.

EDI was the only thing on this ship he was willing to work with, if only because he was so fascinated by AI. Cerberus likely knew that and was going to exploit it, but he couldn't deny the allure.

"EDI, open the comms for an announcement."

"Go ahead, Commander."

He cleared his throat. "I will make this clear only once. I am Commander Shepard, you will all refer to me as such. This is my ship. Not Cerberus's, not Lawson's, mine. If you have a problem with that, you are welcome to leave. I was brought here against my will, and being here is against everything I stand for as a Spectre and as a soldier to the Alliance. I find all of you to be the scum of the Earth, of the fucking galaxy, for choosing this as your ultimate path. I am here for one job only, and that is to deal with this threat any way possible. And if that means tearing down your organization in the process and turning myself and all of you into the Alliance the moment I get a chance? I'll do it in a fucking heartbeat." He crossed his arms, observing the looks of all the crew members in the CIC, seeing varied expressions. Some angry, some wide-eyed with fear. The Yeoman next to him almost seemed to shudder when his gaze landed on her.

He knew he looked inhuman. The red eyes, the deep scars laced with cybernetics, unexpected side effects of whatever they did to bring him back.

He is the result of what happens when you play God.

"I fought and killed members of your organization two years ago for your heinous crimes you committed against your own species. Experiments with Rachni, Thresher Maws, and assassination plans against Alliance brass. Don't think I'll discriminate if I think any of you are a threat to me. This is my mission, and I will carry it out as I see fit. You've bastardized my memory and my ship, and I'll be damned if I don't ensure you all know how far I'm willing to go to get what I want. Again, you have a problem? Get the fuck off my ship. Return to your duties. I don't want to see anyone slacking off. With me here, this is a military operation, not some civilian private sector bullshit." He stepped down from the galaxy map and nearly made it to the elevator, but the Yeoman next to him stopped him.

"Commander, I--"

He cut her off. "I don't want to hear it. I can handle my own communications and messages. Don't make me upload a hack to ensure you can't get your claws in my shit. Stick to your galaxy map monitoring duties, and we won't have any problems."

"I was just going to say I'm here if you want to talk. I'm Kelly Chambers."

"Talk?" He scoffed. "I'm not talking to anyone who's Cerberus. Why the hell would I ever think you would respect confidentiality?"

Regis didn't wait for a reply. She seemed to shrink in on herself, clearly not anticipating his response.

In another life, he would've felt guilty.

No more.

Cerberus ensured that Regis Shepard would never be the same man ever again.

Lawson joined him on the elevator before it closed. "You should know that no one is going to leave."

He pressed the button for the third deck. "I didn't expect anything different. I wanted them to know my feelings on the matter. I'm an open book like that."

"Even towards your old crew?"

He raised an eyebrow. "They're now Cerberus crew, aren't they? Joining for me doesn't change anything."

The elevator doors opened. They stepped off.

"After I make my rounds on the ship, we're going to have a long talk about my resurrection, Lawson. If you really want me to be a part of this mission without turning in this ship to the Alliance, then maybe you should be forthcoming with the details," Regis said, crossing his arms.

He fully planned on going straight to the Citadel to talk to Anderson, but something told him that meeting will probably not end in his favor. Time will tell, but Regis wasn't going to be optimistic.

None of his meetings with Anderson has ever really ended "well" in his opinion.

"I think you deserve to know that much," she admitted.

A far cry from her "cold bitch" attitude back on the station. Regis almost wanted to loosen up a bit.

Nothing about her behavior seemed like an act at this point. She genuinely wanted to work with him.

It's a shame he doesn't want to give her the same courtesy.

"Then I hope whatever you tell me is the complete truth." Regis ended the conversation by heading towards the medbay.

Whatever she told him was likely never going to be the full truth, but he had to know.

He had to know what they did to him.

Next, Chakwas...

Two members of his crew decided Cerberus was a good idea, and he couldn't fathom why.

He didn't deserve that level of die-hard loyalty. If he did, he did something wrong. After everything they saw, all the reports he made, they still joined the organization that willingly hunted down Alliance soldiers and brass.

The doors to the medbay slid open. Chakwas was sitting at her desk. "Shepard." She stood up. "It's good to see you alive after everything."

Regis chose to not take the hand she offered. "I would say the same, but I'd rather not consider my situation good in any way whatsoever."

She sighed. "Then it's about Cerberus."

"Why did you think joining them was in any way a good idea? After everything we saw?" Regis asked, crossing his arms.

"After the Normandy was lost, everyone was reassigned. I was stationed at a medical center on Mars. A respectable position, but not a starship," she explained.

Regis narrowed his eyes. "So you threw everything away for a starship position?"

"I'm working for you, Shepard. Not Cerberus. A mission that could be crucial for our survival," she said, not rising to his bait. "I trust your dealings with Cerberus will be ethical. I trust you."

Regis shook his head, sitting down on one of the beds. "And can you verify with one-hundred percent certainty that you're dealing with me, and not some Cerberus puppet? How do you know that Cerberus won't do something to me or to you or to anyone we care for to get what they want? They don't give a single damn about humans, they just care about themselves and their image."

She stared down at him. "I’d say your anger is proof enough. Everything changed after your death. I chose the option that will help all of us. Don't tell me you would rather have some Cerberus doctor taking care of you?"

"Well, the person who resurrected me is across the damn hall. You tell me."

"I've been looking into what they did to bring you back," she admitted. "But most of it I don't have access to."

"I made a deal with Lawson. She's going to tell me everything. I'll make sure you get access."

"Do you trust that she'll tell you everything?"

Regis laughed. "Hell no. For her sake I hope she does. If I find out something out in the field that she could've told me? It's not going to end well for her."

"You've changed since the Normandy."

"Well, I'm a medical abomination trapped in the claws of a terrorist organization. They wanted Commander Shepard? They're getting the man that ordered the Torfan decision." Regis stood up from the bed. "Let me know if you need anything."

She nodded. "Before you go, there might be a way to remove those scars."

Regis caught his reflection in the window. Angry red lines cracked across his face. Glowing red pupils blending in with his own altered red irises.

"No. Let them see what they did to me."

"I'll be here if you change your mind, but I know with your experience, we might be able to make something good out of it instead of removing it outright."

Hell, she has a point. With his cybernetics background, he could probably channel the glow into something else. Something less cracked and scarred and more of an aesthetic choice.

Something to decide later.

Chakwas was always a steady presence. All the anger he had about her joining up mostly dissipated with her attitude about the matter. She let him be angry, and she let him treat her like he would treat any other Cerberus operative.

He still can't feel like he can fully trust her.

There's no way in hell Cerberus won't exploit his allies.

He explored the ship some more, learning all its new nooks and crannies, barely acknowledging the Cerberus crew that now wandered the halls of his ship.

He's not here to make friends.

His quarters were the worst part of the tour. The glass window above his bed, showing the dark expanse of space, taunted him.

They knew how he died.

They knew what became his grave.

He slammed his hand on the shutters, willing it to close faster.

His locker was filled with his favorite clothing. Turtlenecks, long coats, dark fatigues, boots and jeans. He tossed the Cerberus branded stuff into a corner, vowing to compact the trash in the lower decks later.

The familiarity caused him to shudder. They knew everything about him, but some things hit too close to home.

The photo on his desk nearly made him sick.

It was of Regis and Kaidan clothed in their armors, but instead of them wearing their usual scarves--Regis’s black and red, Kaidan’s blue and white--they were swapped. Their foreheads were touching, a calm moment before the drop down to Illos.

Tali was the one who took the photo, sharing it amongst the ground crew. None of them would've given up the picture. Kaidan, Ashley, Tali, Wrex, T'Soni.

Unless Cerberus recovered his omnitool, which was unlikely. The one in the armor locker back on the station was a piece of shit base model. And the one sitting on his desk was an updated version of his favored Logic Arrest.

Which meant they also didn't recover his dog tags, if they were nowhere to be found in his cabin.

That loss almost hit the hardest. That damn ring.

I should've just given it to Kaidan. Fuck fairytale proposals.

Regis turned the photo away from him. He rubbed his face, trying to get rid of the nausea.

Maybe diving into those dossiers would be a good idea right now. Something to distract him.

As he reached over to turn on his terminal, he received a ping on his omnitool.

A comm request from Joker.

“Got a minute, Commander?” Joker asked, after Regis accepted his comm request. Sitting at his desk, staring at the empty fish tank—what an ostentatious piece of shit—wondering what decision he made got him here on this fucking ship.

Accepting the Normandy, of course. He should have never acquiesced to Anderson’s and the Alliance’s demands. He could’ve been happy at Rio, enjoying his time with the N recruits, finding more ways to advocate for better training regimens for biotics.

He wondered if anything ever came from his suggestions. New N programs, new ways to train biotics recruits, new accelerated ways for biotics to gain ground in the Alliance… without him to speak up, who would?

But knowing what he knows now? Knowing that Kaidan would have likely been the one to suffer the beacon’s visions if he didn’t push him away?

Regis wasn’t too sure if he liked the thought of that outcome either, especially without being by his side.

“Come on up,” Regis replied, shutting down the link after responding.

This conversation is not going to be a good one.

A few minutes later, a knock sounded on his door. With a wave of his omnitool, he allowed Joker to come inside.

“They really tricked out the place, huh. Swanky crib you got here,” Joker commented, walking over to the couch.

“I think it’s utter bullshit,” Regis said, getting up from the desk to lean against the dumb fish tank. “Another way to think that I’m in a better place or some kind of manipulative crap. I hate it.”

“You know, you could really lighten up a bit. I think you’ve already scared half the crew to death with that announcement of yours. Especially Chambers.” Joker said with a laugh, but quickly stopped after seeing the dark look on Regis’s face. “Uh, sorry.”

“It’s because I don’t want to be here, Joker. Did you really think I was going to accept having a nosy green yeoman getting all up in my business at the CIC?” Regis asked. “Chambers is just one more way to report on every little move I make to the Illusive Man. She should be happy I haven’t decided to strand her with nothing when we get to the Citadel.”

“What’s next, you kick me off the ship?” Joker asked, crossing his arms. When Regis didn’t immediately respond, he held up his arms in surrender. “Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood.”

“What is this really about?” Regis asked. “As you can see, I’m really not in the mood, so spit it out.”

“Do you blame me for what happened?” Joker asked in a startling amount of seriousness.

Regis tilted his head to the side. “Do you blame yourself? Is that why you joined Cerberus?”

“Just answer my question, Shepard!” He balled his hands into fists.

“Fine. The only thing I blame you for is joining Cerberus. I don’t give a single fuck about how you supposedly did it for me, and thinking they were any kind of answer to your current problems was a betrayal to me and all the victims of their experiments that we discovered. Be happy we’re even having this conversation. You did what you thought was right back on my ship, but then again, you thought joining Cerbreus was a good idea. I don’t know if I can even trust your future judgment,” Regis said, staring Joker down.

Perhaps he was being too harsh, but at this point, Regis didn’t care.

It doesn’t matter that Joker was with him on the Normandy. Regis was never close with the man, never meshing well with his attitude and sense of humor. They butted heads more often than not, especially about matters surrounding the ship.

"If we're ever in a situation where it's you or the ship, choose yourself. I know you're a talented pilot, but I also know you can recognize when it's gone FUBAR. Abandon ship the moment you can while also keeping the crew safe." Regis said to him early on their Saren mission. "My piloting skills will be the only thing that saves our asses if we end up in that kind of situation. I'm the pilot. You trust my judgment." "I grew up learning how to pilot shuttles and ships, Moreau. I grew up hearing similar disaster situations on all the ships my mother served on. This is an order. You listen to my disaster plans, and we won't have a problem."

Joker opened his mouth to reply, his expression twisting with anger, but Regis beat him to it. "I know you remember that argument we had about what to do if we have to abandon ship. I've run all the scenarios in my head, and guess what, I remember everything that happened up to the moment I died suffocating in space. Maybe what you did saved more of the crew. Maybe what you did was the right thing. But we will never know, and you have to live with the fact that you defied my orders when you could've saved yourself."

"You're right, we will never know, but it doesn't matter, does it? We're here now, but you aren't going to thank anyone for the chance you've been given," Joker replied. "You're acting like a fucking child. How is that helpful to any of us? I'm sure if Alenko was here you'll be getting on your knees for his oh-so-great decision. And you would be besties with Williams if she was here too!"

Regis kept his face neutral, but if another biotic was in the room with him, they would feel his field about to roar to life. "Moreau," he said, "get the fuck out of my quarters."

"You aren't denying it! Regis Lucian Shepard, Butcher of Torfan and a hypocrite."

Regis activated his omnitool to open the doors remotely. He raised his voice, his field roaring to life in a bright violet glow. Moreau flinched back.

"I said, get the fuck out of my quarters! And for your information, Kaidan and Ashley would've never joined Cerberus because they were there for every goddamn mission we did unearthing their crimes. I'd be treating them the same way I'm treating everyone on this fucking ship if they did sacrifice their morals to be here." Regis shouted. "Sure, I can excuse your bullshit jokes, but you've crossed the fucking line. You see that picture over there.” He pointed at the photo frame on the desk. “You remember that picture being taken?”

He nodded, swallowing.

“And that’s why I’m so fucking angry. That’s why I would rather space myself again than be on this ship. But I can’t do that, now can I? Because Lawson and Cerberus will just bring me right back again, except this time, with a new way to control me!”

Regis let his biotics rest, leaving only a faint glow around this body, his eyes rimmed with deep purple.

Moreau silently stood up and walked over to the door. "I joined Cerberus for you and only you," he said, standing next to the elevator.

If that was his way of apologizing, he was doing a shit job of it.

"I wouldn't call that loyalty by any stretch of the imagination. It shows you didn't know me," Regis replied. He sat back down at his desk, his back turned to the door.

He was done with this conversation.

The doors opened and closed with a soft sound, and Regis let out a deep breath.

Leaning back in his chair, Regis ran his hand down his face. Fuck.

That's a bridge that will never be rebuilt anytime soon. He crossed the line when he went there about his relationship with Kaidan.

Regis wasn't about to apologize anytime soon either.

His gaze went back to the photo.

He should contact him, and he should log in to his personal server and send a message. But that photo made him pause.

Cerberus knows what Kaidan is to him, and if they found out about communications between them?

Regis wasn't willing to put Kaidan in danger, even if it means Kaidan finds out about his resurrection from another source.

The Alliance knows, likely thanks to footage from Freedom's progress. The Citadel and Council will know the moment he steps through security, if they don’t already.

But all they will see is Regis walking out of a ship emblazoned with Cerberus colors, and it made him sick.

The terminal sitting in front of him pinged with a new message. This time from Lawson.

Whenever you're ready, come to my office. We'll talk there.

He should start working on those dossiers, but the knowledge of his resurrection was far more important to him than this mission.

He sent a short reply. "I'm coming down now."

– –

He sat down at Lawson's desk. "Send me the files first." He ordered, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his legs.

"Surely you want to hear about it first?" She asked, but made a move on her terminal all the same.

"The files are more important to me. I'm not some dumb Jarhead. I'll be able to understand the documents just fine," he replied. "Surely you know about my degrees?"

"Yes. Cybernetics and biotic implants. Research into VI. And yet you joined the Alliance, doing none of those things," she commented. His omnitool pinged with the transfer. "There."

Regis was working to use those credentials with his biotic program, curating research and evidence to make training better, both standard and N style.

Very few cared about the plight of human biotics. But Regis wanted to make a difference, no matter how small it was.

His L2 implant ensured he had to care.

He glanced at them, scanning them with one of his programs, looking for any malicious code. Nothing obvious came up, but he'll break them down later.

He nodded, confirming the status of the files. "Now, tell me everything."

She outlined the details of his resurrection, starting with the status of his body.

"When we received your corpse, we immediately got to work designing cybernetic implants to repair your skeleton, to regenerate and reconstruct your skin, and to begin reconstructing your organ systems. I'm afraid Taylor put it in a crude way, but 'meat and tubes' was an unfortunate descriptor of your situation," she said, lacing her fingers together on her desk.

Regis wasn't shocked at the news. He kept his expression blank. "And the state of my armor?"

"What do you mean?" She asked, pausing with a confused expression on her face. "Why does that matter?"

"You've reconstructed me damn near perfectly, even down to my damn scars, piercings, and tattoos. Hell, I kept expecting to see some fucked line work on my flowers and chest tats especially. What I do care about is what personal effects I lost. My omnitool with my last will and rites, among other things, and my Alliance dog tags," Regis explained, barely refraining from rolling his eyes.

"It was in such a sad state. We retrieved nothing of yours that was intact," she said.

Regis raised an eyebrow. "Really? I know the hard suits aren't perfect, and I died in one spectacular fashion. But you didn't retrieve anything of the sort? Who handled my body? Who got it to you in the first place?"

"You don't care at all about what we did to you. All you care about is what you lost," she said, narrowing her eyes.

True. The documents were enough for him. Keeps him from wanting to biotically blast her across the room for defying his right to death.

For defying his right to be buried with his father.

"You’re right. I don't really give a fuck about all the sordid details. That's what those files are for. No, I care about what has been done to me. And that includes everything that was on my person when I died," Regis spat. "So I’ll ask again, and this time, I'll make it really clear. Who. Handled. My. Body."

Her face remained blank. "Would it really change anything? We received a corpse with charred armor that has long since been destroyed. You are proof enough that we cared to bring you back as you were, even your L2 implants were kept the same."

Regis leaned back in the chair. "Maybe not, but I cared a lot about those things. Don't you think there's a goddamn reason why I keep pressing you on it? Clearly you're not an idiot if you were able to do the impossible. I want names, Lawson."

"You think you were looted before we were able to officially recover you?" She asked.

"Was I?" He fired back. "I wouldn't be surprised if I was. I'm Commander Shepard, hero of the goddamn Citadel, Butcher of Torfan, and the First Human Spectre. I'm a fucking celebrity. Or else why would you have revived me? I'm important."

She pursed her lips. “The Illusive Man believes in your visions. He saw you as the key to helping humanity.”

“Ah, so his wants are greater than mine? Who gives a fuck about one man’s feelings when he can save us all? Nice phrasing there, really shows who you care about,” Regis mocked.

“I’m merely repeating his reasons for us creating the Lazarus project in the first place. I was under orders.”

“And here I thought Cerberus wasn’t a military organization. No, you just wanted to prove you could defy all known laws and resurrect a long dead man,” Regis said. “Stop trying to convince myself that what you all did to me was out of some duty because you care.”

She opened her mouth to reply, but Regis cut her off. “Honestly, whatever you’re going to say is going to piss me off more. Just give me the fucking names of who brought me in.”

“It must be so exhausting being so angry,” she said. “Eventually, you’ll have to learn to work with us. Or are you going to run in and recruit everyone for this mission on your own?”

He has half a mind to do exactly that. Surely, she knew about his service history. Solo missions in between his stint as a trainer for the N program and other biotics.

Despite being a biotic, he was one hell of an infiltrator, able to reign in his field to a point where it was very difficult for other biotics to sense him. A high level of control to make sure you almost never intersect with anyone else's field. He made sure that Kaidan knew how to do it as well, the one thing Regis considered himself better at biotically.

Regis chuckled without mirth. “Exhausting? No. You brought back Regis Shepard. You’re getting exactly who you wanted. Why, did you think I’ll be getting on my knees, praising Cerberus for bringing me back? Stop trying to portray yourselves as the misunderstood good guys who are only trying to help humanity.”

“If what you say is true, those were likely splinter groups. Cerberus operates in separate cells," she said. “And for your information, I thought this whole project was a waste of precious resources, but the Illusive Man wanted you alive.”

Interesting. Doesn’t quite change his opinion of her, but he respected her some for even admitting that.

Still, she kept digging her heels in whenever he tried to tell her off Cerberus's deeds during the Saren mission.

Regis couldn't fathom why. They clearly knew a lot about him. They must've gotten their hands on his mission reports.

Cerberus was an active threat then, and now, Regis was more than a little worried about their obvious scope.

“And I’m sure you had objections for how he wanted me alive. Let me guess: You wanted a way to control me,” Regis observed.

“Yes, I wanted to put a control chip in you, but the Illusive Man wanted you exactly as you were,” she admitted.

She almost seemed to brace herself for something, the way she moved her hands off her desk and leaned back.

Regis didn’t give her the satisfaction. Even if he wanted to give her a taste of what he felt while he was dying in space.

He wasn’t looking forward to getting some sleep as his nightmare became true two years ago.

Yet it feels like it happened yesterday all the same.

"Well, at least you admitted it to me," Regis said, watching as she slowly let her guard down. "But it proves that I was right and still right to not trust you or anyone else on this ship, if you were willing to go that far to use me for your gains."

"And you are proving to me that I was right to have those concerns for our well-being," she fired back.

Regis smirked. There's that fire he was waiting for. "Sounds like quite the sore spot. What do you want me to say, really? Oh, I'm so sorry you lost the right to control another human being. Boo-fucking-hoo."

She narrowed her eyes. "This conversation is leading nowhere. You're wasting your own time."

"I don't consider this a waste of my time at all," Regis said, reveling in the fact that he was likely waiting her time. "But, since you haven't rescinded your offer of information, let's go back to that Cerberus cell comment you made. You're saying you keep your projects isolated?"

She cleared her throat. "If it keeps you here, I'll answer your questions. Yes, each project is its own cell. I was part of the Lazarus Cell. And so, the cell that recovered you is not something I'm privy to. Even if it was, Cerberus changes the location and status of some of its operatives all the time," she said. "I can't help you."

Regis frowned. "Fine. But perhaps it is a good thing, because I’d have to pause your little mission to hunt them down and take what you didn’t retrieve for me. I don’t believe my personal effects were so easily lost.”

Before she could reply, Regis held up his omnitool. "I'm going to read over the files. Make yourself available for questions. And if there's anything about my resurrection that you didn't tell me, no matter how fucking small or innocuous it might seem, don't think I won't take it lying down."

She looked him in the eyes. “You have my word, even if to you that might mean nothing."

Regis stood up. "You're absolutely right, your word means shit to me.”

He walked out of her office without hearing her response.

The trek back to his quarters was short, but it still gave him time to think about what he learned.

Perhaps he should have spent more time listening to her account right at that moment.

But finding out who handled his body will be his ultimate goal on this mission.

Regis wanted them to burn for desecrating his memory and for keeping him hostage away from his family.

As he sat back down at his desk, he had a feeling she wasn't telling him everything. Why would she? And yet, what does she have to gain by keeping whoever handled his body to himself?

Who is she protecting? Or maybe she sees it as a way of keeping him from getting distracted. He made it clear what he wanted out of that conversation.

Something he'll try to press on later.

It's unlikely he'll actually make good on his threats, but for all intents and purposes, none of the Cerberus crew on this ship really knew who he was, only going off of reports and vids and whatever else they were able to find on him.

They don't know the man behind the titles. and he was going to use that to his advantage.

He opened up the dossiers list, looking through the people Cerberus wanted him to recruit.

A master thief by the name of Kasumi Goto, who is waiting for him at the Citadel. Stealth, infiltration, and hacking–all skills of his that he values in others.

He looked forward to hearing how she ended up in this mess.

A salarian scientist by the name of Mordin Solus, who was also with the STG. Cerberus is even recruiting aliens? Must be desperate, knowing their stance.

A convict by the name of Jack, who is supposedly the most powerful human biotic. A criminal, by the looks of things. He wondered why Cerberus needed someone like her, someone likely unstable and worked for only herself.

He'd have to see how his abilities compared to hers. He and Kaidan were often known by the Alliance as their most powerful biotics. What makes her different? He wanted to know.

A warlock by the name of Dr. Okeer. A krogan scientist. Another alien. Regis raised an eyebrow, remembering a few conversations he had with Wrex. A rarity.

No wonder Cerberus wanted someone like him.

He doubted that Okeer and Solus would get along.

Next, someone by the name of Archangel. Regis rolled his eyes at the name, but the dossier itself was suspiciously blank compared to the others. No real name and a vague location.

Finally, the one titled "The Veteran."

Regis opened it and blinked once he saw the name, making sure he read it correctly.

Zaeed Massani, hired by Cerberus.

He couldn't help but laugh at the note that said how expensive his services were.

Yet, Regis knew Zaeed wasn't an idiot. He kept an ear close to the ground. He had to have known what Cerberus really was.

So why was he part of these dossiers?

He'll have to be careful. He trusts Zaeed. Trusted him with things only Kaidan knows and has seen.

Maybe Moreau was right. He really is a fucking hypocrite.

Because he couldn't wait to get to Omega and get that man on board. As selfish as it was, Regis really wanted him back by his side, even if they were just friends.

Regis closed his eyes as he thought back to his and Kaidan's leave on Omega. Three–no, five now–years ago.

Sandwiched between them after they had taken turns with him, Regis relished in the feeling of being fucked out by two gorgeous men, one who had been by his side for years, the other a temporary lover Regis wanted so much more with. Kaidan pecked his lips with a sweet little kiss. "How are you feeling, love?" He asked, checking over him with a loving gaze. "Good. Sore, but that's to be expected," he rasped out. He cleared his throat. "But I like it that way." "I know you do." "You two have a good thing going on," Zaeed grumbled from behind him, a tattooed arm wrapped around Regis's body. "But I'm also a goddamn gentleman. It's been a while someone has let me be that rough with them." Regis turned to face the mercenary. "I'm fine, I promise. I can handle it." Zaeed pressed a kiss on his forehead. "That you can, Alliance. Next time, don't hold back on your biotics. Both of you. Ain't my first rodeo." "So sure about a next time," Kaidan teased. "But we can get a little, uh, wild with our fields. Comes with our implants." "Right, you two must be from the second gen? No wonder your biotics were so strong out in the field. Thought I was fighting with Matriarch commandos out there," Zaeed said, starting to trace patterns on the tattoos on Regis's chest. He shivered at the contact. "It has its benefits," Regis said. "I'm sure it does," Zaeed said. "I got a bathtub big enough for the three of us back there. Join me." Kaidan grinned. "Of course. Regis?' "As long as you two pamper me, I'm alright with that."

But without Kaidan with him, Regis wasn't about to make a move.

Even if he craved the touch of another.

His fingers itched, reaching out for a pack of cigarettes that were nowhere to be found.

Regis knows what he's going to pick up when he gets to Omega.

First, he'll deal with the Citadel. Talk with Anderson, recruit Goto, and see if the new council would be willing to talk with him.

And then, Omega.

Regis wasn't looking forward to whatever was waiting for him at the Citadel, but he hoped to get answers.

And to find out where Kaidan and Ashley ended up.

He didn't want them on the ship, but he needed to know they were okay. That they flourished in the Alliance.

That they moved on without him by their sides.

He wasn't holding his breath, however. The moment he shows up in a Cerberus ship will seal his fate. He's almost certain he'll be stonewalled.

But he wouldn't deny the Spectre position if it was offered back to him, despite not wanting it in the first place.

He could hear it now, Regis Shepard, a traitor to the Alliance, to humanity, and to the Council!

Regis never felt so lost, so out of control, until now.

He hoped that he can regain some semblance of control fast.

#mass effect #regis shepard #mshenko #cleric's writing #not tagging all the characters for this fic #and i'll post this on ao3 later #i do love miranda but at the moment regis does not lol #mass effect fanfiction

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hxrpooner · 2 years ago

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just finished mass effect 2 here is my brain vomit

The Good

The combat was sleeker and more polished than ME1. Overall I enjoyed the gunplay a lot more. Being able to vault over things was also really fun.

I really liked the paragon/renegade interrupts. A good way to spice things up. Enhanced the feeling of player choice. Just a really nice touch.

LOOOVED the crew. I also thought the conversations with crewmates were just better overall than ME1.

I liked the loyalty mechanic and loyalty missions. I thought those were cool.

I think the decision to kill Shepard, resurrect them, and have the whole crew break up, was pretty fucked up and awesome. It was cool going to see where everyone was at after all that time. I especially thought the angle they took with Liara was really cool and interesting.

I liked listening to the news reports and seeing all the other ways Shepard’s actions from ME1 carried over with NPCs and stuff.

In general there were so many moments that harkened back to ME1 that I enjoyed. Like yeah it was very fanservicey and yk what I am a sucker for fanservice. No notes.

The DLCs were really good, especially Lair of the Shadow Broker. Except Overlord. I have beef with Overlord.

I’m glad they took out exploring planets with the Mako. I mean don’t get me wrong, I loved the Mako. But driving over featureless terrain for long periods definitely lost its charm after the first several times. On that note, I appreciated that they made the vehicle sections in the Firewalker DLC a lot more interesting than the ones in ME1.

I like the overall concept of the Suicide Mission. I like how unique consequences unfold based on the choices you make. And I think it’s good that they made it legitimately difficult to keep your whole team alive without looking at a walkthrough. Would have been really silly if it was easy.

The Bad

The atmosphere was much more “sleek modern sci fi shooter” than the more... space opera?? vibe of the first game. I don’t really know how else to describe it. It felt like a pretty big jump in tone from what I liked about ME1, which kind of sucks.

I don’t really like how they fully conflated/renamed charm/intimidate to paragon/renegade checks

I wasn’t very fond of the reloading mechanic. I mean, I think adding reloading itself freshened up combat, which was good, but I didn’t like that it auto-reloaded for me sometimes but not others. And it felt like some guns ran out of clips way too quickly.

The powers in 2 were kind of boring, ammo powers especially. Squadmate combat was very lacking because they had so few powers.

Whatever the fuck was going on with David in the Overlord DLC was bad. I’m very iffy on how they treat his autism and how that relates to his personal autonomy. I also wasn’t happy that the game didn’t give you an option to kill Gavin outright.

I kind of wish there was more conflict over the decision to blow up all those Batarians in the Arrival DLC. Because that was like hundreds of thousands of people and we just.... kablooey!!! There were scarcely any moments for Shepard to even wonder if there might be other options. It’s fine for the game to force you to kill them in the end, but I wish we gotten to linger on it a little more at the time (especially since the ethical ramifications of exploding all those people ARE shown to be important later on... just not until AFTER the mission is over, and even then it’s honestly more about Shepard being in trouble than anything else).

I was sad that a lot of the ambient dialogue stuff got removed. You can’t chat with squadmates and get flavor dialogue about whatever area you’re in unless you happen upon a specific “talk to X” location, and the comments squadmates made on missions didn’t really feel interesting or varied. It made them feel more like inanimate objects than characters.

I did Jack’s romance path, and I thought it was really bland. I don’t know about the other romance options, but... idk, I wasn’t impressed. The dialogue just wasn’t that interesting.

I think they blew their load a little too early with the Suicide Mission. It felt like it should have been the end of something; I’m sensing that they kind of set ME3 up to fail, here. The end sequence of the game was also shorter than I would have liked.

I felt like a big skeleton robot monster was a very silly choice for the final boss. The concept of THOUSANDS of humans being disappeared and then literally turned into goop is appropriately horrifying. But all that, only for it to be used to make this goofy looking skeleton thing... idk, it mostly just made me laugh.

#i feel like most of the stuff i liked was stuff they kept from me1 #overall me2 was... fine. like yeah it was pretty good #but not as good as me1 #log.txt #mass effect

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zet-sway · 2 years ago

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It only took me like four months, but I finally answered the legendary @spookyvalentine's first 50 Shep questions.

50 QUESTIONS FOR SHEPARD

December Shepard | Part 1

1. Why did Shepard enlist? Any regrets?

Mom and dad are both military and she grew up with other military kids. Her mother basically told her she was going to enlist, and enrolled her in pre-military schooling programs. Her dad made her excited about it by telling her she could work on fighters.

She wishes she could have done more planetside traveling before she enlisted.

2. How does your Shepard feel about having a yeoman assigned to them in 2? And in 3?

Kelly assigned to her feels weird. On paper, Kelly is there to staff the ship like anyone else. But Shepard feels weird about it, like she's there to conduct some kind of undead performance review. Eventually, Shepard asks her not to ask intrusive questions, and they hash out how to best communicate and work together :)

3. What's their relationship with Anderson?

Dad. Actually, very dad because December's dad passed away before she enlisted. Anderson was on good terms with both her parents.

4. Is your Shepard any good at poker?

She's okay at it.

5. How well does Shepard know their crew? Not just the companions, but the folks making up the Normandy

She knew her crew on the SR1 very well and served with many of them on prior missions. On the SR2, she tries her best. Being resurrected and thrust into a whole new crew is exhausting - particularly because many of them don't have military backgrounds, meaning Shepard can't just fall back on second-nature alliance officer habits. The new team requires a lot of investment to bring everyone together in a cohesive unit.

On a personal "human" level, tries to know them as personally as is practical. In particular, she tries to find out what kinds of little things they enjoy so she can try and bring some small comforts on board from them (put that Cerberus procurement budget to good use lmao).

6. Initial reaction to EDI? Does it change?

At first, EDI answers a lot of questions with non-answers due to her code restrictions, and because of this, Shepard has a hard time differentiating her from a VI. Once these restrictions are removed, Shepard begins to understand that EDI has a will of her own, which is a little spooky at first. EDI's choice to side with Shepard instead of the illusive man does a lot to boost Shepard's trust in her.

EDI obtaining a body really helps Shepard fully realize her. Humans are funny like that. Seeing her moving and talking really drives home the understanding of her as an autonomous individual.

7. Does their love interest move into their quarters?

YUP. Shep and Thane really have a hard time keeping their hands off one another for a while lolllll

8. What is their reaction to the Alchera mission? And after?

:)))))) I wrote a fic about this!! Tldr there's a lot of introspection, a lot of silent tears, and a lot of throwing herself into work to forget about it (spoiler alert she can't just forget about it lol).

9. What type of fighter is your shepard? Do they fight with honor, or do they fight dirty

December would love to live in a world where "honorable" gets the job done, but it's not always that simple. Honorable is great until it means causing unnecessary deaths and risking mission failure. There's an exception to every rule. Sometimes you gotta fight dirty.

10. Does Shepard keep any pets? The hamster, fish, something else?

No pets. She's definitely a dog person, but keeping a dog in space is really hard.

Fish - yeah. But only after someone else agrees to feed them. She's keenly aware that bringing a whole entire living animal on board will require energy that she's already scraping the bottom of the barrel for.

Shep @ Cerberus: "Love the cabin, but a fish tank? Really?"

11. What order does Shepard pick up companions in me2?

I haven't given this too much thought honestly. In my longfic, Thane is recruited before horizon, but I never explain why. I'd probably have to write some manner of mission critical thing on Illium, or place Thane on Omega.

Actually, it would be fun to entertain the idea of Thane being hired to assassinate Archangel, Shepard going to intercept him, and somehow she ends up recruiting them both. But in any regard, Mordin is definitely a first pick from a strategic standpoint.

12. Does Shepard have any nicknames? What do they think of em?

Joker calls her "Big D" because he's joker and it's hilarious.

In basic, they called her "girl scout" because she was a stickler for rules, even when no one was looking (side effect of having a very strict mom). Since her family was military, more than a few people knew she had officers for parents. Drill Sargent gave her hell for it.

13. How does your Shep react to teasing/ribbing?

Rule number one is never let them see you upset. Her crew tease her constantly for being tight-assed and she just smiles and laughs. Ninety-five percent of the time she doesn't tease back - which is why it's a hundred times funnier when she does.

14. Any good at flirting?

N O P E. She'll find "work-related" reasons to keep interacting with a given person long before she'll admit that she's just doing it because she's got a crush.

15. What colors does Shepard prefer for their armor?

Standard issue red/black/gray. Fashion (or rather, her attempts at fashion) is for civvies lol

16. Is Shepard a drinker? History of other substances? Do they struggle with sobriety

She's an on again off again smoker. Not much of a drinker, and she says Cerberus had a conspiracy to prevent her from becoming drunk and risking the mission (she's bitter about it).

17. How does Shepard react to attention? Do they enjoy it?

Like most of us, she would like to be recognized for her accomplishments, but all she really wants is a thank you from time to time. She doesn't like crowds, and she doesn't like excessive displays of attention. Thane is very affectionate and at first it's overwhelming for her - but she grows to cherish it in private moments.

After the war, she hates giving public appearances.

18. Who’s the dream team? Which companions does Shepard fight best with and why?

ME1: Kaidan, Ashley, Garrus

ME2: Mordin, Garrus, Tali, Jacob, and later Miranda

ME3: Ashley, Garrus, Tali, Thane

Honestly, all of the crew is great, but these are the people she would want on her team if she were to become disabled during a mission for whatever reason. Folks she can trust to make good decisions in the absence of explicit guidance.

I would be here all day explaining the nuance of every pick, but suffice to say, Shepard has a preference for those with military backgrounds, and her trust is earned by others as time progresses.

19. Are there any companions your Shepard just absolutely cannot vibe with or relate to

This question broke my brain. I probably wrote and deleted at least 700 words. Tldr Shepard takes longer to trust some of her companions, but eventually she'd trust them all with her life.

20. Does Shepard enjoy looking for resources and upgrading gear, or do they see it as a chore?

She loves getting new gear lol but she hates planet scanning. She'd rather go down to the surface herself and look for it.

21. Do you have any AUs for your shepard?

Maybe a destiny 2 crossover.

I suppose there's my torchwood crossover, but that Shepard is a separate character entirely.

22. What’s the last thing Shepard ate before the final reaper showdown?

She had a cup of coffee and a cigarette. If she thought about it too hard, she wouldn't have been able to leave the ship.

24. Who does Shepard turn to for advice? For comfort? Who do they like to gossip with

STEVE CORTEZ. They were childhood friends and served on the SSV Hawking together. (I'm aware there is likely a big age gap between them but I'm ignoring this and saying they grew up together, with Steve being maybe four years older than her).

Liara too because she is so honest and empathetic and learning painful lessons right alongside her. Garrus is also great for grounding her when the hard decisions start to really hurt.

Feron, and Kasumi, Tali, and Wrex are the gossip friends lol

25. How emotionally articulate is your Shepard? Do they emote well?

Not very. She's more emotionally articulate than she thinks she is, but the words are uncomfortable in her mouth.

26. Does your Shepard have a romance? Who are they, and what drew Shep to them?

Thane :)))))))) she likes spending time with him because he radiates peace (even if he doesn't feel like he does) and gives her space for her thoughts. Thane is one of very few people she can enjoy comfortable silence with, and after a while, he feels more like a friend than a teammate.

They're unexpected pair, but they really do find time to understand one another and grow.

His stories of his life widen her view of her own upbringing, in a way. Though they have very different upbringings, they're similar in some unexpected ways. Being selected in one way or another, having a mountain of expectations placed on them at an early age, distant or unavailable parents and strict, minimalist lives. They're also an excellent match for cohabitating because they both grew up with disciplined lifestyles, so there's very little friction as far as their day to day private lives go.

Shepard isn't religious but she doesn't despite religion either, so there's a mental vacancy in her that his spirituality can exist in.

Their values are the same or close to it, at the end of the day. They both want to create good in the world, they both value inter-species cooperation (headcanon that drell in particular are like "why aren't all these idiots working together yet"), they both value the mental rigor of principles. By the time she meets him, they've been brought so low by their own traumas that they're ready to challenge their own unhealthy understandings of the world. They grow together.

However, these two chucklefucks danced around their affection for one another until Thane nearly died on the disabled collector ship. The thin atmosphere would have been fine if they hadn't needed to literally run for their lives when they discovered the trap. In the end, Shepard had to physically carry him back to the shuttle. After that, their feelings crashed into one another so hard Thane nearly left the team (he's like "Holy shit I'm so full of oxytocin for Shepard that I'm worried it's gonna compromise the mission).

It worked out in the end, and maybe one day I'll actually write that fic 🫠

27. Do they have any pet peeves?

Lots. And in basic training, she learned never to make them known, or people would find ways to use them against her.

In the alliance she was the one who would call you out for not wearing your uniform correctly. I read this quote recently that said something along the lines of "if you can't make these decisions when times are easy, how will you handle hard choices when the going gets tough?" A bit of a hard-assed way of looking at things and definitely gets her some eyerolling, but that's who she is - she's there to complete a mission and everything else is secondary.

If you don't care about getting the mission done in one way or another, it's a cold shoulder at best. At worst, a swift kick off the boat at the nearest stop.

28. What about hyperfixations? What’s the topic that will get Shepard rolling no matter the person or place

Engineering, spaceships, and the lack of adequate water pressure in the showers, the smell of whatever the fuck dextro shit Garrus has for breakfast every morning.

29. How active is Shepard? Are they hitting the gym, playing sports, or do they prefer quieter downtime?

She'd rather be in the field than doing paperwork. She counts on her morning PT to wake her up and make her feel human.

I honestly think she would do sports but I am so sports illiterate that I'm not sure how to elaborate on that point.

30. What will always make them laugh

Joke format: "If you (blank) when you (blank), you might be an N7." And basically any other "it's funnier if you're military" type jokes that she finds intensely relatable.

31. Who can always make them laugh?

Joker, Garrus, Ashley, and later, Thane. Anderson had some great ones too (all her good jokes came from him lol)

32. What do they do when they have hit their limit angry, just incandescent with rage

On a good day, "I should go." On a bad day, she's likely to say something she'll regret. Stuck in the field with no way to remove herself and self-soothe? She'll wind herself up so tight that she snaps at the crew to cut all comms chatter, or she'll find something to nitpick about. She's very uncomfortable to be around when she's mad like this.

33. What skills do they have that are a surprise to the people around them?

She can hotwire an atlas mech. In her first tour, she drew her own training diagrams by hand for ship maintenance newbies. She makes really great sunshine toast.

Also, any N7 can strip and reassemble their weapons quickly, but she's especially fast at it.

34. Got any tattoos?

Nope, her parents would have killed her tbh and now she simply doesn't have the time. If she had time she'd likely get her father's ship tattooed on her arm (a decision likely to upset her mother even after the war).

35. Which companions have they lost? How do they cope with it?

No one because I'm the author and I make the rules loooolll

Ok but she lost her father, whom she was very close to, when she was a teenager.

36. Do they like to style their hair, wear makeup and jewlery? How do they feel about getting dressed up?

December has zero fashion sense and she consistently prioritizes comfort and utility over fashion. Her closet is full of standard issue light duty uniforms. For formal occasions she'll wear her dress blues.

I kinda headcanon that semi-permanent makeup is very common in the mass effect timeline. I think she gets her eyes and brows done because she likes how they look but can't be bothered to do her makeup every day.

Her hair is just naturally Great because Shepard is in some ways a power fantasy for me and if I could change my fucking hair to require no maintenance, I fucking would oh my god Oh My God

Good luck getting her into a dress. It isn't that she hates them, they are just unusual and uncomfortable for her.

Cortez: "Shepard its exactly like those huge t-shirts you wear to bed except it's meant to be worn in public

Shepard: ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

Later in life, she finds time to step outside her comfort zone

37. Got any bad habits?

Thane is big mad about her cigarettes. She quits for him long before he says anything but he's like "by amonkira's asshole, how could you do that to yourself"

38. Does Shepard do any activities with the companions and crew during downtime?

Before she died, she was more inclined to take leisure time. After being resurrected, she keeps busy busy to keep her mind off things. She really loves when people organize some kind of group thing on the ship, whether it's card games or movie night

39. Do they keep around any sentimental items?

On the SR1 she had a model of the ship her father served on. She looked for it in the ruins on alchera but didn't find it. Besides this, she keeps her original dog tags from before she died. The helmet she found on alchera is just a spare, because she was still wearing her helmet when her body was retrieved. She keeps that too, but it's in a box with the rest of the creepy reminders of her death that she can't bring herself to get rid of.

40. Does your Shepard actually like to collect model ships? If not, what do they display?

She looooooooves model ships. She will annoyingly point out errors in model ship design compared to real ships.

41. How is Shepard with a gun? What about hand to hand?

She's as adept in both of these as any other N7 would be. She tries not to fight anything hand to hand because most of the things she's fighting are bigger and stronger than her, and it makes sense to keep her distance. She's not especially great at stealth but she does know how to disable unsuspecting targets, break wrists, and chokehold most things with a humanoid neck (she doesn't know that choking a drell is especially difficult though lol). Her aim wasn't the best in her class, but it's good enough.

42. Favorite weapon?

Her favorite gun is the one that shoots where she points it, drops a heat sink when she unloads it, and picks right back up when she slams a new one. Reliable is the name of the game.

The basic bitch M8 assault rifle is never unappreciated in Shepard's hands.

43. Which version of the Normandy do they like best?

The SR1. The SR2 may be more comfortable, but she misses the days when she didn't know about the impending apocalypse.

44. Do they like to rotate out companions for quests? Who do they bring the most?

It's always about bringing the right people for the job. But she definitely does synchronize with some better than others. Garrus and Ashley, for example. Jacob and Miranda are also excellent picks.

The remaining crew are also great, but it takes time to cross the cultural divides and fall into the rhythm with them. I'm almost exclusively talking about communication here. Different species naturally have different speech and behavior patterns that initially cause some confusion, but can be overcome. For this reason, Shepard uses ""easy"" missions to test the waters with new crew members and work out how to best communicate with them.

45. Do they approve of curing the genophage?

Absolutely - but she's really counting on Wrex to reach a diplomatic solution to krogan expansion.

The decisions she makes in curing the genophage will impact the galaxy for centuries after she's dead, and Shepard is very aware of that.

In a way, she wishes this decision wasn't placed on her. She feels like she lacks the necessary years and cultural understanding of all parties involved. In her opinion, the issue should have been resolved a long time ago and she's actually bitter with Mordin for hiding his head in the sand for so long. It's horrifying to condemn an entire species to a slow and withering death. The salarians used them to fight a war, and when the war was won, refused to witness them as an intelligent species with a rich culture. Humans absolutely did not cause this, and now she's being made to solve a problem that's been festering for years.

46. Does Shepard allow the rachni to live in me1?

She tells the alliance that the queen "escaped." In her mind, the long term consequences of this decision absolutely warranted more serious consideration. But the rachni queen didn't just speak to her through a corpse, she touched her mind and sang to her. She sang to every person in that room, and to this day the Noveria fireteam remembers this in whispers. Shepard simply could not bring herself to drown her.

47. Does Shepard practice any kind of self-care?

Shepard will tell you she doesn't have the luxury of self care, but it's because she misunderstands the meaning of the question. To her, self-care is when you do something nice for yourself because you want it. She sees her wants as secondary to the needs of those around her.

However, she's clear about the difference between wants and needs, and she makes space to address her needs. She needs hygiene, food, sleep, and exercise. She's meticulous about her nutrition and her vitals. It's actually annoying to those around her, especially when she refuses to acknowledge the "little things" as important.

When was the last time she ate her favorite foods? The last time she took a break to do something that made her feel good? Indulgence feels shameful when she does finally cave. She runs away from the guilt by doubling down on work.

It's not enough to crush her, but it's enough for Thane to step in and show her she needs to be loved, too.

48. What abilities do they rely on the most in a fight?

Awareness and a clear head are more important than biotics, tech, and guns. Her team is counting on her to think four steps ahead.

49. What is Shepard’s happy ending? What’s the dream that keeps em going

It takes her a long time to figure this out.

The chase for Saren and Sovereign was a wild tumble of events that became utterly surreal the moment she was promoted to Spectre. In the early days, it was just a very crazy mission. It wasn't until after Virmire that she realized the scale of the threat they'd uncovered. It consumed her like nothing had before. Every amount of leisure she tried to take for herself was overshadowed by the doomsday clock in her mind. For her, the future was to defeat the reapers or die trying.

When she did die trying, she woke up again feeling raw, lost, and disoriented. The fight lost its meaning. She changed in ways she'd never imagined, and eventually found purpose in fighting for every person who had mourned her for the two years she was gone. It's an emotional tightrope she has to walk, keeping herself motivated without falling into the trauma of resurrection.

CW SUICIDE BELOW, PROCEED CAREFULLY.

In the end, she never imagined she would live to see the other side of the war. Her death on the SR1 really drove home the nature of her vulnerability, to the extent that she works with Miranda and Mordin to develop a "killswitch," so if she ever becomes trapped again without hope of survival, she can end it quickly. Similar to cyanide pills given to agents going behind enemy lines. Put simply, she never wants to suffocate alone in space again.

And this is why I've spent so long agonizing over my retirement fics. Once a happy ending is thrust upon her, she needs to figure out how to navigate a world she prepared everyone but herself for. In those moments, Thane is the one who keeps her going.

50. Is your Shepard indoctrinated?

This question keeps her up at night. She doesn't feel indoctrinated, but how can she really know for sure?

Maybe she is a little indoctrinated - maybe that's why she never prepared herself for peace.

(+1: what does Shepard smell like?)

Vanilla and heat sinks

#long post #i spent as much time editing this as i do my fanfics please help me i am mentally ill lol #december shepard #shepard

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pigeontheoneandonly · 3 years ago

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OC Profile

Tagged by the ever-lovely @ghostxofxartemis. Thank you!!!

Tagging: @dr-ladybird, @swaps55, @rpgwrites, @pushingsian, @dafan7711, @awhellstothejoe, @pip-n-flinx, and anyone else who would like to share.

I haven’t done any Nathaly shit in a loooong time so let’s go!

My favorite art of her ever, by the insanely talented @kauriart. Seriously I still stare at this thing an embarrassing amount of time.

I’ve responded to all of these prompts as of her current statuses in Labyrinth (my ME2 novelization).

General-

Name: Nathaly Zelena Shepard

Alias(es): Zey-Zey by her dad’s family, Nath by people who refuse to acknowledge her hatred of nicknames, Bo by her N7 peers, Nathabee by her ex-fiance Todd (and I can feel the murder rising in her disclosing that to you all)

Gender: Female

Age: 31, currently

Birthdate: April 11, 2154

Place of birth: An Alliance Kodiak en-route to Arcturus Station. Her mother was reportedly Very Surprised. The unfortunate private caught on the same transport was reportedly in therapy for years.

Hometown: None, but Phoenix back in UNAS on Earth, or Hellas Naval Base on Mars, probably come closest

Spoken language(s): English, Spanish, and Prothean (thanks Cipher) natively; Dherak, Hessarin, and Vinassi fluently; can get by or communicate a bit in a bunch more. She did well enough in her basic language primer while training in spec ops to get recommended for additional training at ALI, and she kept taking lessons remotely up until her death, more-or-less for fun. As she puts it, languages are “her sole academic talent”.

Sexual preference: Bisexual

Occupation: Currently mercenary. She hates it.

Appearance-

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Red

Height: 6’4”

Scars: Cybernetic and surgical scars from her resurrection. The damage to her body mostly obliterated earlier scarring.

Favorite-

Color: Changes by the week

Hair color: She likes her natural color well enough, but as a teenager dyed it all kinds of unnatural shades

Song: [I haven’t developed nearly enough headcanon around music in ME to begin to answer this]

Food: Tamales, the way her abuela made them

Drink: Scotch, cold with ice. No, she doesn’t care how it’s supposed to be served.

Have They-

Passed university: She has a degree in philosophy from New Stellar University, an online school, which she earned during her first few years serving as a marine

Had sex: yes

Had sex in public: …yes, technically, though she believes/hopes nobody saw them. Not her finest moment.

Gotten pregnant: yes

Kissed a boy: yes

Kissed a girl: yes

Gotten tattoos: yes (sadly, also lost, though strangely not thanks to her death)

Gotten piercings: yes, though currently only her ears are pierced, the others closed up

Been in love: yes, more than once

Stayed up for more than 24 hours: yes

Are They-

A virgin: no

A cuddler: Not really. Sometimes when she really needs it, but she’d never admit it

A kisser: Absolutely

Scared easily: lol no

Jealous easily: Not… really

Dominant: no

Submissive: no [sidenote: that one fic is a very particular dynamic in a specific context, and I wouldn’t overall characterize her as a sub]

In love: yes

Single: Hell if she knows

Random Questions (tw for self harm/suicide mention)-

Have they harmed themselves: Not intentionally

Thought of suicide: No

Attempted suicide: No. She’s occasionally wondered if there’s something wrong with her that she hasn’t ever considered it, given some of the shit she’s been through. (What can I say, her issues run deep but occasionally have stranger manifestations.)

Wanted to kill someone: The better question is how many times she’s wanted to kill someone and acted on it. The answer is not zero.

Have / had a job: She flipped “burgers” at a fast food joint at the Hellas Spaceport as a teenager (Phytoburger, “Home of the best beef that’s never lived!”). She then enlisted as an Alliance marine at age eighteen, and served until her death at age twenty-nine. Right now, she will firmly insist she’s not employed rather than make any claim of working for Cerberus.

Have any fears: Lots, most unadmitted to herself. But a big one is a fear of leaving people behind

Family

Sibling(s): None

Parent(s): Hannah and Paul Shepard. Hannah still serves in the Alliance, while Paul was medically discharged after an accident when Nathaly was fifteen, and currently lives on Mars

Children: That’s a fascinating question! And oddly not especially related to the one about pregnancy further up.

Significant other: Kaidan(?) Shit’s complicated

Pet(s): Several fish, her favorite of which is a VERY grumpy walking catfish

#nathaly shepard #i love this girl with all my heart

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scint · 3 years ago

Text

Ghosts

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

“We both know you need a clear head to win a war. I’ll wake you if anything comes up.”

Quit being stubborn. He’s right. “…anything happens, you let me know,” Shepard ceded.

“Will do, Commander.”

Her boots sounded louder in her ears than normal. She tried to feel out her body, weigh her gait; she didn’t think she was pantomiming. Maybe her migraine was taking over and making the reverberations of the corridor sound more ominous than they were, or maybe it really was the fate of the entire galaxy she bore on her shoulders weighing her down. Either way, she and the herd of elephants on her heels in service issue wellingtons weren’t enough to scare off the Normandy’s newly reclaimed asset: Kaidan Alenko.

Blue fatigues, still somewhat pressed and retaining their starch, something hers hadn’t done in weeks, rounded the corner of the mess just as she made for his usual haunt on the port observation deck. “Hey, Shepard. You look like shit.”

“Thanks,” she muttered.

“Were you coming to see me?”

“Yeah – were you in the middle of something?”

“Just grabbed a bite to eat. What’s up?”

“…can we talk?”

Kaidan pulled up short, mirroring her as she made to turn back to the elevator. “Of course. You okay?”

Letting the doors close and the lift begin to rise, she let out a sigh she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Garrus said I look like shit, too. He told me to go get some sleep, but…”

“But what?” he pressed as they exited onto the landing outside of her cabin.

Shepard’s feet suddenly felt heavier than ever. She could feel herself struggling to plow forward. Coupled with the scuffing of her boots, she was getting so fucking annoyed. “I’m having trouble. Sleeping, I mean. I��m having these strange dreams. Nightmares,” she corrected.

“So I’m not the only one who’s restless?”

Kaidan’s attempt at humor just felt like another left hook. “Yeah, you’re right. Nevermind.” Shepard spun and entered her quarters dismissively. But he was right; she was an idiot to think she was the only one having a hard time sleeping at night. They were just so vivid, and the damn whispers unnerved her to no end. The murky ghosts of the ones she’d lost along the way calling to her, reminding her of her failure to be there when they’d needed her. Why did she think Kaidan owed it to her to be there for her now? If she’d chosen differently back on Virmire, he’d be another of her ghosts too; his voice would’ve replaced Ash’s.

“Hey!” A calloused hand gripped her wrist, jerking her around so she was nose-to-nose with the major. The man who’d captured her attention back on the SR1, kept the faith in his purpose and lost his own in her after her resurrection, now returned to her. It was enough to rattle her core. “I didn’t mean to scare you off. I wanna know what’s going on, Shepard. I’m worried about you.”

His strong jaw was cut by the soft glow of her aquarium, defining the handsome face it bore. He’d followed her in several strides, past her alcove. Kaidan was in her room. Again. God, it’d been ages, a lifetime ago since she’d trusted him with every inch of her. Could she now?

“I was going to ask for your help,” she managed to admit. When had her throat gone bone dry?

“With getting a good night’s sleep?” Another jab.

The fields of green her eyes normally held began to pool with a light sheen of dew, tears touching their corners, threatening to spill over. Damn it. “I need you,” she all but whispered.

In a second the space between them was gone, filled with a solid chest against hers, arms enveloping her shoulders, and the smell of him invading the air she sucked in sharply, taken aback by quickness.

“Shepard...” he chastised. His lips moved against her ear as he said it, hot breath and day-old stubble tickling her neck. “I’m right here. And I’m not going anywhere. I won’t ever make that mistake again.”

She pulled back, raking her eyes over him as he studied her. Confusion creased his brow as she stepped back, guiding him by both hands. “Stay here tonight,” she asked, tilting her head towards the bed behind her. It had been her enemy for so many months; the mattress had swallowed her darkest thoughts and fears and regurgitated them while she slept, the blankets like a straight jacket. “It’s bigger than the old one; room enough for us both to be comfortable. No expectations. We don’t have to-”

Kaidan’s chuckle cut her off. “And if it happens naturally?”

Shepard shrugged. “It always does with you. That’s why I asked you here: not for the sex. But because I feel safe with you.”

A smile spread across the landscape of his face as he stepped up to her, tilting her face up to his in a chaste kiss. “I know the feeling. I haven’t felt like I’ve belonged somewhere in three years.”

Her grip on him tightened. “You belong with me. As long as it’s where you want to be, I’ll always want you here.”

She lost sight of him as his head dipped again, and she felt teeth drifting along her bottom lip. “Then take your shirt off, Commander.”

Oh, fuck. “Is that an order, Major?”

One last throaty laugh was her reward before everything went blissfully blank and she let herself sink into the searing heat radiating from his body.

[...]

Shepard would have no dreams that night, bad or otherwise. But Kaidan knew from the small smile that accompanied the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest that she was finally sleeping peacefully.

#Fictober21 Day 1: I need you.

#fictober21 #*#mass effect #commander shepard #kaidan #uwu

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fllagellant · 2 years ago

Note

also 2, 13, 27, & 47 for urien please 👁️🤌

my big frankenboy... 8 foot legend 2. How does your Shepard feel about having a yeoman assigned to them in 2? And in 3?

Urien has... a lot of feelings about Kelly. None of them good. Since Cerberus fumbled his resurrection- no fault of Miranda, the sabotage of the station destroyed 'his' body and forced him into a back up that wasn't exactly made to live in- Kelly being ever present and forcefully cheery felt wrong. She tried to be a friend, a therapist, a co-worker, a diary, all at once. She would try and gossip with him, then would question him about his hallucinations and if he wants her to contact TIM to see if he'll send over meds he can be put on. She treated him like she had to be everything for him, like he had to relearn living. He was already struggling with dying and waking up in a body that semi-resembled who he is but still wasn't him, only to been constantly harassed by a yeoman who refused to understand him or his boundaries. He couldn't talk on any meaningful level with her, knowing TIM would get reports about what he would say and use it against him. She wasn't there to help him. She didn't treat him like a person. She saw him as a project. With Traynor, it was different. Very different. She saw him as a person. Yes, she did say "I thought the height thing was a rumour, Commander!" when she first saw him, but that wasn't a crime. Seeing any human that size was a shock, no matter what. But she didn't behave like she was always his friend. She wasn't reporting every little thing about him to someone else. They bonded naturally over chess, they talked like normal people. There was no forceful joy or trying to wring answers out of Urien, it was just learning each other as friends. She was also just more pleasant to be around, always throwing small-talk around when telling him about messages or telling him if someone wants to talk to him. They clicked, neither of them forced their way into the others life. She was invited up to his cabin for chess nights or just to talk, Kelly was never given that honour. Samantha Traynor is a friend. Kelly Chambers is a Cerberus Agent. And that how he'll always see it. 13. How does your Shep react to teasing/ribbing? Urien thrives on it. Genuinely. Even during ME2, when he was extremely fragile, having Zaeed poke fun at his shit aim made him feel alive. It fuels him, pushing him to do more. Being raised by Alliance Sergents and Soldiers, professionalism was crammed down his throat. Mouthing off became a crime, he couldn't jab at anyone unless he wanted to risk a punishment later. So those urges just build up inside of him. When he gets on the Normandy, he uses that advantage to start teasing everyone around him. It just how he talks, how he pushes people around him. He flirts by teasing, he insults by teasing, he makes friends by teasing. He loves hearing it from other people. From teasing about armour to ribbing about his gun mods. Poking fun at his fashion sense to making fun of his dancing. It just pushes him to do more, but not from anger or anything like that. It's the truest form of motivation for him. It's also the quickest way to become friends with him. He just loves it. 27. Do they have any pet peeves?

Unsolicited advice. This is another reason he dislikes Kelly. It's not like teasing, when you tease you don't tell people what to do, it's always weirdly serious and it feels like it's devaluing his own opinions. When someone, without asking if he wants help, starts to tell him what he needs to do and how to do it and where to go, he feels devalued. He feels disrespected. He had to deal with constant unsolicited criticism and advice growing up, no one taking into consideration how he might want to do something or what path he wanted to follow. He's an adult, he wants to be treated like one. He has his way of living, he isn't going to adapt to how someone wants to see him live. 47. Does Shepard practice any kind of self-care? He picked up baking in house arrest, following a strict recipe and having the same result every time was nice. It was a welcomed departure from the unknown, from having to make everything up on the spot and figure it out from there. It let him focus on something simple, let him work out the stress of the day through making the dough and then allowed him to relax with the fruits of his labour. He takes up painting postwar, sometimes it's portraits but its usually just him following his instincts. Whatever his heart says, he'll put on the canvas. He loves making abstract art, art that's from his feelings. It helps him process current and past events.

#oc tags #urien deere #the reanimated #HAIII #TYSM FOR UR QUESTIONS ISAAA #enjoy ur feast <33

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skinnyazn · 2 years ago

Text

Priority Mars

https://archiveofourown.org/works/41895165/chapters/105140943

My new Shenko hate-sex fic is done!! I think it’s my best one yet. It’s live on AO3 and it’s very explicit. Preview: “Vega, dump that piece of scrap metal in the AI core until we can pull the information off of it. I’ve got to send my report to Hackett.”

“You’re not seriously keeping that thing on the ship?” Kaidan asked incredulously.

“Sorry Commander, I’m on the same page as the Major with this one. What happens if she boots back up?” James chimed in.

“Then I’ll put her down again.” Shepard was losing her patience as she hastily continued to type.

Kaidan scoffed. His hands were on his hips.

“If you’ve got something to say, Major Alenko, spit it out. I’m tired of having my command questioned by you.” Shepard punched the send button hard. She gave him her attention now. “Or are you worried I’m going to power it on and communicate with the Illusive Man via her corpse.”

James shifted uncomfortably as Kaidan held her gaze. For a second she thought he’d finally hold his tongue. But today she was having no such luck.

“Seems like you’ve already thought it out,” he retorted with the barb, unable to stop himself now.

“What the HELL is your problem Alenko?!” Shepard snapped. She closed their distance in two strides. They were chest to chest now.

“What’s my problem?! My problem is that you worked for a terrorist organization for months, after they did the impossible and resurrected your spaced corpse! On top of that, you cozied up with their omnipotent leader. And then expect me not to be suspicious whenever Cerberus gets involved with our missions. Which, I have to say, has been a lot.” Kaidan was inches from her face now.

Shepard could feel her anger radiate. A loud slap echoed through the hangar bay. Kaidan continued to look at her steadfastly as red crept across his cheek.

“I did not “cozy” up with the Illusive Man. I used him and his resources to stop the Collectors. Which—hello! My ‘resurrected spaced corpse’ is one of said resources.” She was yelling now. “You’ve been on my ass about this since Horizon! Liara, Garrus, Joker—they’ve all managed to come to terms with me using Cerberus’ resources to stop the Collectors and do what the Alliance wouldn’t. You’re the only person out of the old Normandy crew who just won’t let up. Who doesn’t have an ounce of trust or faith in me!”

“How can I?! I was the only person on the old Normandy crew who loved you.”

#my fic #fanfiction #fanfic #shenko fic #mass effect fic #my art #kaidan alenko #commander shepard #femshep #femshep x kaidan #angst fic

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swaps55 · 2 years ago

Text

Snippet Sunday

Tagged by @cr-noble-writes. Thank you!!

Tagging @bioticbooty, @shadesofmauve, @pigeontheoneandonly, @laelior, @crescentbunny and anyone else who feels so inclined, no obligations!

From Mezzo.

Shepard lets go and takes a step back. Something red flashes in his eyes, eerily reminiscent of staring down Sovereign’s main gun. We rebuilt him, Lawson had told him. Like Shepard was a drive core that could be taken apart and put back together. The Two Billion Credit Man.

By comparison, Joker’s bone weave procedure had been a hell of a bargain. In addition to the Hero of the Citadel, you can also have a fucked-up pilot of your very own for a fraction of the price!

The Alliance hadn’t thought that was much of a deal. They wouldn’t even pay for the bone weave. Nice to know your life pencils better if you just ally yourself with terrorists. If Cerberus really wants to bump up their recruiting numbers, all they really need to do is lead with the health plan.

“The Illusive Man said he had a pilot I could trust,” Shepard says.

“He may have been exaggerating. My track record isn’t great.”

I killed you. But here you are, alive. You, and my ship.

Shepard stares at him with that ice gaze, like he’s processing something and the gears got caught.

Coming back from the dead probably makes you think about a few things. Joker wouldn’t know. He hadn’t died. Because Shepard had done it in his place.

Why do you always have to be such a fucking savior?

“How did you get here?” Shepard asks finally. “Did you know about…whatever this is?” He nods out the window, at the silent, sleek Normandy that’s just as new and perfect as the one that had set out for Eden Prime three years ago. Like everything Joker wrought had been forgotten.

“Yeah,” Joker says with a nod. It was their biggest selling point. It…and you.

“This has to be bullshit. The Normandy is the only stealth frigate online. The Ain Jalut isn’t scheduled for shakedown for months. It’s—”

“Ain Jalut’s been flying for over a year now,” Joker says, guts twisting into a knot. And they didn’t put me at the helm. “Three more are in production now, last I heard. No idea how Cerberus got the specs, but she’s definitely an SR. I toured the ship this morning.”

And it had felt like coming home.

Except, instead of Pressly grouching about relay vectors from the CIC and Addison Chase gossiping about Felawa while Joker ran calcs, a disembodied AI calmly answered all of his questions.

If you can’t beat the enemy, join them, Joker supposes. Just throw in a few cushy upgrades like leather seats and a tricked-out lounge, and no one will notice the missing people Cerberus didn’t resurrect.

The ones whose lives didn’t pencil.

#snippet #opus!verse

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bluerose5 · 3 years ago

Text

My Thoughts on Horizon...

Not saying it's everyone, but this is just from my own personal experience of interacting with posts in the Mass Effect Fandom. A lot of the fandom seems to have this intense black-and-white view of the events that happened on Horizon where they feel the need to become overly defensive of one side over the other, and it never fails to shock me that people can't acknowledge that maybe —just maybe, hear me out— both sides have their merits...? Either I see people treating their Shepard as if they could do no wrong, or I see people defending the Virmire Survivor (more often Kaidan in the corners of the fandom where I venture) to the point where they exclude Shepard’s perspective entirely and make Shepard out to be the villain in this circumstance, even though they're both very much victims in this scenario. Yes, the VS has valid concerns about Shepard joining up with a terrorist organization. No, the VS should not be expected to immediately welcome them back with open arms after 2 years of grief and mourning. On a similar note, no, Tali and Garrus should not be patronized for welcoming Shepard back with open arms. They grieved and mourned just like the VS, and they shouldn't be ridiculed for clinging to the one person who had such a great influence over their growth throughout the course of ME1 (mind you, unlike Kaidan, they are only early to mid twenty somethings who very much do not have their lives together, which is okay). Both are valid ways of dealing with Shepard’s death and resurrection. There is no right way to deal with that, and if the VS was Shepard’s LI, people should really stop acting like that one partner should be honored that the other "took them back" after they've both been through significant trauma because of Cerberus. Yes, Shepard’s attempt to play it casual was stupid and tone-deaf in the moment (and frankly, bad writing), but is it understandable? Yes, to an extent. To them, they've lost out on two years and have only been back for several months. They not only just finished up with an intense battle at this point in the conversation, but they are also still processing and coping with the loss of, well, everything. Of course, they could've sent the VS a message earlier to avoid blindsiding them, but did they deserve to be cut off completely and labeled a traitor to everything they stand for when they were already in a vulnerable headspace? No. They didn't ask for Liara to hand their body over to Cerberus to be their next pet project, recklessly risking Shepard being caught under Cerberus' control via Miranda's control chip idea, but that's for a different post. The point is, as much as fandom likes to simplify the issue and act like one party is the saint while the other is the villain, the whole Horizon fiasco is far from simple.

#mass effect trilogy #mass effect 2 #horizon #me fandom critical #fandom critical #mass effect legendary edition #commander shepard #john shepard #jane shepard #virmire survivor #kaidan alenko #ashley williams #bluerose rambles #discourse

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clericofshadows · 1 year ago

Text

feeling numb, lost in time

Description: Regis and Zaeed continue to rekindle their relationship, Regis learns more disturbing details about his resurrection, and Regis and Kaidan finally reunite, temporarily.

Paring: Regis Shepard/Kaidan Alenko, Regis Shepard/Zaeed Massani, Regis Shepard/Zaeed Massani/Kaidan Alenko

Rating: E

Word Count: 17K

note: sequel to unresolved feelings.

As they sat down to eat in his cabin, Zaeed cleared his throat. "Heard back from Kaidan yet?"

"Not yet, but it's been a day. I won't worry until it's been a bit longer," Regis replied, setting down his utensils. "I have to ask, did you two ever catch up while I was gone?"

He nodded. "We did. Couple of months after your death, we met up on Earth. Reconciled. Became lovers and wanted to take things one day at a time... And we watched that video you recorded."

Of course. That video. The one where Regis wanted Kaidan to move on while keeping his ring safe.

Looking back, it seemed like an easy request to make, never thinking of the alternative of it being lost somehow.

Instead, he gave Kaidan an impossible promise.

"I'm glad he had you, and that he actually listened to my wishes. Looking back, I shouldn't have put so much damn pressure on the ring. I'm still pissed that it's gone," Regis said, rubbing his face.

"I won't lie to you, I think that fucked him and your mother up more than they'd both like to admit."

Regis sighed. "I'm not surprised. It meant a lot to my mother. And Kaidan was just waiting for me to ask. Hell, I was going to drag your ass to the Alenko's when I was going to ask after the mission. But we never had time, and I wanted the proposal to be perfect." Regis couldn't keep the bitterness out of his tone.

"The two of you were perfect, I don't blame you for wanting your goddamn fairy tale ending," Zaeed said, a small smile gracing his face. "Don't think I intentionally kept my thing with Kaidan hidden from you after our last conversation about us." Zaeed paused, seemingly trying to find the right words.

Regis interrupted him before he could continue. "Honestly, it's not necessarily my business. Am I glad you told me? Yeah. But I'm just happy to hear you two had each other, even if it was only for a brief moment."

"We made it work, although it's been a while since we were able to talk for an extended time. Hell, I even met some of the Alenko family and your uncle."

"No shit?" Regis's face broke out into a grin. "How much of an ass was Adrian about the whole thing?"

"Nah, he was alright. I can see where you get your bluntness and fashion sense from. Even found out about who Vik's mysterious human beau was."

Regis laughed. "Hell of a connection. Figured you would know Vik since you were in Omega all this time. Even they visited?"

Zaeed nodded. "Oh yes, they were enjoying fucking around with Adrian. But they were mostly there to give a message to Kaidan, and to teach him a few new tricks."

"A message?" Regis asked, raising an eyebrow.

Zaeed frowned. "Again, don't think I intentionally hid this from you. Hell, it slipped my mind after not hearing anything about it since that meet up."

More secrets? Regis knew a lot happened while he was gone, two years isn't a short amount of time.

But the last person he thought would keep secrets from him was sitting across from him.

Regis narrowed his eyes. "Go on."

"Vikram heard some things going on in Omega involving that asari you recruited, T'Soni, working with a known Shadow Broker agent and even with Cerberus, but couldn't get anything out of Aria," Zaeed explained. "And Aria wouldn't budge without some serious concessions. There was some kind of cargo involved, but Vik never found out what."

T'Soni in bed with a Shadow Broker agent and consulting with Cerberus... What the hell was she thinking?

"Do you think she'll budge now that I'm alive?" Regis damn near growled out. "I never wanted T'Soni on my damn ship, and now I'm hearing she was working with a Shadow Broker agent? And she was talking to Cerberus? Is she crazy?"

Regis stood up, his meal forgotten. "We're plotting a course to Omega. I'm getting to the bottom of this."

"Regis, sit your ass down and finish your food before you do anything." Zaeed said, motioning to the food on the table.

Some of the fire left him, knowing Zaeed was right. Regis was normally not this impulsive, but being stuck on this ship has caused him to be... Less than himself.

A part of him wondered if all this is a side effect of his fucking resurrection.

He sat back down with a sigh, picking up the fork and stabbing at the chicken. "I just want Kaidan to respond already. You said that Vik told him specifically?"

"Yeah, but like I said, I never heard anything more."

"I believe you," Regis sighed. "God, this whole situation is fucked. I hate not being in the loop. I hate not knowing things. And I hate that Cerberus, at the moment, seems to be the only answer to this human disappearance problem!"

Zaeed raised his bottle in agreement. "Let it all out. At least I'm making their pockets less heavy."

"That you are."

His omnitool lit up with a message. Regis glanced down at it and inhaled sharply when he noticed it was from his personal server.

KA: Meet me in Omega. I’ve attached a date and time.

Short and sweet, nothing like their previous communications. Regis tried to not take it personally.

But it still hurts all the same.

He showed the message to Zaeed. "We have enough time to pick up the warlord before heading over."

Regis nodded, typing up a reply.

RS: I'll be there. Want me to bring Massani?

A few moments passed and another message popped up.

KA: Please do. We all have a lot to talk about, especially you and me.

Wish you would've talked to me sooner.

Zaeed gave him a look that screamed 'I told you so,' but he had enough tact to not say it out loud. Surprisingly.

RS: I'm sorry. I wish I did, too. But Cerberus's claws were into too much shit, and frankly, I was worried about you.

Regis took a picture of the photo that rested on his desk. He couldn't bring himself to trash it or flip it down, but the reminder of the mystery of how Cerberus got their hands on the photo still bothered him.

RS: This was in my quarters when I got here, and I have it on somewhat good authority that they didn't recover my personal effects. Perhaps I let it get to me too much, but knowing what this photo represents? Yeah, I was fucking worried.

KA: I get it. No need to explain yourself to me. I understand.

I have a theory of how they got their hands on that. I might even be able to confirm it when we get to Omega.

And thanks for sending me all those files, but I won't start to feel better until I actually see you, love.

Love. That simple endearment caused Regis's eyes to water, and he wiped at them. Fuck.

RS: Same for me. God, I've missed you so much Kaidan, and I know that barely compares to the hell of these past two years. I'm sorry.

KA: Stop apologizing. We're here now. And we will make it work.

That's what we've always promised each other when things got hard, right? You've always said that if we can survive BAaT and Torfan we can survive anything.

He was right. Of course, he was right.

Doesn't mean Regis wasn't afraid now.

KA: I have to go. Still got shit to do before I can be on 'leave.'

RS: ‘Leave'?

KA: Technically, my visit is under supervision by Hackett. Long story.

Maybe I'll tell you about it soon.

RS: I look forward to it.

KA: I do too.

Regis logged out of the server with a sigh. "Now all I'm going to be thinking about during our next recruitment is this."

"It'll be nice to see him again. We haven't talked much since I joined your crew," he said, pushing his clean plate away from him. "Come here."

Much? So they have talked? Regis wanted to pry, but he didn’t feel like it was his business. Why should he be privy to all the interactions between Zaeed and Kaidan?

He’s the one that was too much of a damn coward to talk to him immediately. And after being stonewalled by Anderson… Regis wasn't too keen on disrupting the balance.

Regis smiled softly and leaned over, resting his head on his shoulder. "Thanks."

"No need to thank me." Zaeed said, wrapping an arm around him. "I could tell you needed it."

"Am I really that obvious?"

"Only to me."

Only to those he lets in. Only to those he loves and trusts.

Such a small number. Kaidan. Ashley. Zaeed.

Tali almost made that list. Maybe if they had more time together.

Perhaps even Hackett could be added, being able to read him a little too well and always being one of the few in command he could trust.

Some might call it loneliness. Regis doesn't see it that way. He considers it survival.

Regis made himself more comfortable on the couch, laying down on Zaeed's lap. "Start staying with me in my quarters. I don't give a fuck about what anyone has to say about it."

He glanced up and saw Zaeed's small smile. Regis wanted to reach up, pull him down, and kiss that smile off his face.

But he wasn’t sure if he was ready to take that step. Not before talking to Kaidan.

And yet, he was preparing his quarters so Zaeed could move in and share his bed. What a fucking mess.

Perhaps a small part of him worried about the rumors. Word travels fast on a frigate. In truth, he doesn't care for the opinions of anyone on this ship. Only the man he's slowly bringing himself to love again.

Though, he really didn't want to hear what Moreau would have to say about it after their last argument. All he knows is how devoted he and Kaidan were to each other and nothing else.

"And I'll be here to tell them to fuck off. I'll move some of my stuff up here," he said.

"Need a hand?" Regis asked, not making any sort of effort to move.

"Nah, not right now." Zaeed turned to look at the tank. "I'm surprised you haven't tried to drain that monstrosity."

"I've considered it," he admitted. "But I haven't had the time to figure out how I want to retrofit it with what we have."

“Hey, EDI,” Zaeed said.

“Yes, Massani?” she asked, waiting for his request.

“Can we drain the fish tank?” He asked.

“Next time we are docked, I can start the process of recycling the water. Should I inform the crew to start the process of removing the tank entirely?" She asked.

He wasn't entirely enthused at the idea of Cerberus crew in his cabin, but if on their next mission they were able to get rid of it, it was a small price to pay.

"Please do," Regis replied. "And if they could rig something together to turn it into some shelving, that would be perfect."

"I'll inform the crew of your orders. They will get started on it immediately during your next mission."

“Thanks,” he said.

Again, Zaeed looked quite smug. “Do I have to solve all your problems for you?”

“Fuck off,” Regis bit back with no real bite. “I hate needing to rely on Cerberus for anything.”

Zaeed tangled his fingers in his hair, starting to toy with and massage his curls. Regis closed his eyes and sighed, leaning into the touch. “I know. Trust me, you’ve made your opinion on everything very clear,” Zaeed said.

“Good. I’d hate for them to think I’ve started to accept any of them.”

Zaeed chuckled, the rumbling sound a comforting one. “Keep up that attitude. It’s very attractive.”

“Oh really?” Regis rose up from his lap, batting away his hands. “You like me angry?”

“Well, yes,” Zaeed admitted, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, pulling him in closer. “But what’s really attractive is you sticking to your goddamn convictions.”

Regis made a shocked sound as Zaeed pulled him in closer, their foreheads nearly touching. They stayed in that position for a moment. Regis didn’t quite meet Zaeed’s gaze, not wanting to find out what was waiting behind those mismatched eyes.

He wanted to lean in, to claim that mouth and to relearn each other after years apart. To seek comfort in the only person he really trusts on the ship.

Zaeed leaned in and brushed a kiss against his lips, barely touching but enough all the same. Regis parted his lips with a sigh, turning his head and chasing him for more.

“What do you want, Regis?” He asked, cupping Regis’s neck lightly.

“I want you,” Regis admitted, finally meeting his gaze. “But I also want Kaidan, and I don’t know how we should even approach this.”

Wanted Kaidan? Yes, of course he did.

In reality, he needed Kaidan. Ten years together torn away by some fucking assailant.

And Regis wasn't going to waste the chance he had to try and get that back.

“We can take it one step at a time. I don’t think you’re ready for something heavy right now,” Zaeed replied. “I can wait until we all talk, okay? I think it will be better for all of us.”

He was right, once again.

Regis nodded, closing his eyes. “I still want you here with me. I don’t like sleeping alone.”

“I know,” he said softly. Regis leaned in for another kiss, sighing into the embrace and allowing himself to take charge of the moment, parting Zaeed’s lips with his own and tasting the man he had wanted ever since that excursion on Omega all those years ago.

Regis climbed into his lap and pressed Zaeed against the back of the couch, tangling his fingers into his thinning hair and feeling that rough skin in his hands. They fit together so well, as if no time had passed, and they were still in that dim-lit hotel room in the depths of Omega, enjoying exploring each other for the first time.

When they finally broke the kiss, Zaeed rested his hands on Regis’s hips, looking up at him with an open expression. “You’re so goddamn beautiful, you know.”

“Even with all these scars? The glowing eyes? I’m no longer–”

Zaeed scoffed. “You’re no longer, what? You’re Regis goddamn Shepard, sitting here in front of me, alive. Are you going to blast me across the room for daring to say that you look beautiful even with those scars? They are a sign that you are here with us, again. I’ll say it again, because clearly the first time wasn’t enough: You’re so goddamn beautiful.”

“I guess they do look pretty badass,” Regis admitted with a small smile, even if they were a stark reminder that he wasn’t the same Regis back during the Saren mission. “Chakwas offered to look into healing them for me, but she said they would be triggered by stress. If I had time, I would go back on my degree and see if I could design a better way for them to trigger rather than these scars all on my body.”

“Right, your cybernetics education. Bet you had a lot to say after reading those reports about your resurrection,” Zaeed said, running his hands up and down his sides.

Regis leaned into the touch. “Oh, yes. Lots of inefficiencies. Didn’t see a single mark of an actual specialist, just a bunch of fucking generalists.”

Zaeed was grinning at him. “Not only are you the most dangerous motherfucker on the ship, but I’d also say you are one of the smartest.”

Regis smiled under the praise, feeling his cheeks heat up. “You keep up this praise, and I might have to take a cold shower.”

“I’ll stop,” Zaeed chuckled. “I’m going to go bring up some of my stuff. I won’t stop you if you want to take that shower.”

Regis laughed. “After you get your shit in my cabin, and if I'm still in there… Join me."

Feeling a bit bold, he decided to throw it out there. It wasn't anything more than just an excuse to be intimate with Zaeed, but he wanted to see all of him again, count any new scars and new ink he might've gained.

And to get the reassurance from another that he is still Regis goddamn Shepard.

"Just to shower with you and see all of you again? Take all the goddamn time in the world," Zaeed said with a wink. Regis climbed off his lap and kissed his cheek, slipping off his jacket and tossing it onto the bed.

"It still surprises me that Cerberus kept all that ink," Zaeed observed, not hiding the fact that he was staring at Regis's muscled arms.

"Me too," Regis admitted, staring down at the intricately redone black porcelain flowers on this left arm, and the Yggdrasil tree on his right arm. "They wanted me, scars, ink, and piercings included."

He didn't say to Zaeed that in the report Lawson gave him there were many talks about making him perfect, a blank slate: no scars, no ink, no piercings.

Even his eyes were nearly brought back to their original color, restored to before he modded them to be a dark red. If he had caught a reflection of himself and saw the wrong color reflected back at him?

He would not have been as merciful on that damn station.

It worked in all their favor that he was brought back exactly the way he was.

"Good. It wouldn't be you otherwise. I'll be back in a bit. Don't have much to bring with me. I'll keep some shit down there," Zaeed said, brushing past him.

The door shut softly behind him. Regis shed the rest of his clothes and told EDI to give Zaeed full authorization and access to his quarters and to keep this access for his and Zaeed's eyes only.

Just in case someone on the ship tried to snoop.

He stepped inside the shower, first turning the water to nearly scalding hot and sighing under the instant relief. He took a moment to just stand over the water, letting it run over his tired body.

Unfortunately, this Cerberus shower was far better than any of the ones on the Normandy SR-1. The pressure was high, the water warm, and the water rations were generous.

He had to take comfort where he could. He grabbed the bottle of citrus-scented shampoo and started scrubbing at his curls, deciding to do a full wash to waste some time. And to give Zaeed enough time to maybe join him.

Regis was too far gone on the man, granted with the opportunity to be close to him once more.

The one good thing that came of his resurrection , a traitorous voice in his mind reminded him. Giving him and Kaidan another chance.

As he washed out the suds, he faintly heard the door of his cabin opening. Another thing Cerberus granted him. Better hearing.

He wasn’t the biggest fan of that change, having to readjust on the fly, getting used to hearing faint sounds and louder ones being amplified. Not the best for his migraine inducing L2.

Another aspect of his resurrection that shocked him. But he wouldn’t be Regis Shepard without it.

He grabbed the conditioner and started working it into his curls, still sticking to his meticulous routine even to this day onboard a warship. A comfort he allowed himself, splurging on his favorite products with Cerberus’s nigh unlimited funds after their last trip to the Citadel.

A knock sounded on the bathroom door. Always such a gentleman. “Come in,” Regis said, turning down the heat slightly and rinsing out his hair.

Zaeed stepped inside the shower with a sigh. Regis took him in with a heated gaze, noticing a new flash of ink on his side. As Zaeed settled behind him, Regis turned around to get a better look at the new tattoo.

It was a recreation of some of the porcelain flowers on Regis’s arm, twisting and turning with vines surrounding them, starting at his hip and stopping mid-thigh.

“When did you get this?” Regis asked softly, brushing his fingers against the ink.

“When do you think?” Zaeed asked roughly, his already gravelly voice tinged with something more.

Fuck. Regis closed his eyes, fingers hovering over the tattoo.

“Look at me, Regis,” he said, grabbing Regis’s chin. “Kaidan and I both got some ink to remember you. I combined your tree and your flowers. Ask him about his when you two meet up.”

Regis moved his head sharply, releasing Zaeed’s grip on him. He turned around, the water beating down on his face. Taking a deep breath, he tried to settle himself, the knowledge of what his absence did suddenly bearing down on him in a way it hadn’t before.

Yes, he knew that time was lost. Yes, he knew the Alliance turned him into some great figurehead. Yes, he knew that his loved ones mourned him.

But somehow that damn tattoo symbolized exactly what his death did to those he cared about. A symbol of their love.

Why else would Zaeed get something so large and so intricate?

Zaeed reached over to turn off the water. “Breathe for me, Regis.”

He took a shuddering breath, yanking one of the towels off the rack and wiping down his face.

“Why was it that ? I’ve known I’ve lost two fucking years since I woke up on that damn table, but–” Regis took another deep breath, his eyes stinging with tears.

Zaeed took the towel out of his arms and wrapped it around him. “It was bound to hit you eventually. Goddamn, you’ve been running on fumes since I’ve been here.”

Regis sniffed, letting the tears fall. “I never asked for this. Shouldn’t I be thankful that I’m back? So that Kaidan and my mother and Adrian and you can have me back?”

“No, you should feel however you need to feel.” Zaeed reached over to grab the other towel, wrapping it around his waist. “Your death and your life was taken away from you.”

“And now my fucking name is ruined. My career and goodwill with the Alliance is gone, the council will likely never admit another human Spectre in our lifetime after this disaster,” he spat out. “I never asked for this.” He felt like he was going to collapse. Zaeed held onto him, guiding him out of the bathroom and towards the bed.

“Dim the fucking lights, EDI,” Zaeed barked. “And we better not be disturbed until tomorrow.”

EDI affirmed his request, the lights dimming down, the fish tank turning off completely.

Zaeed wrapped the blanket at the foot of the bed around him, holding onto Regis tightly as Regis sobbed , faced with the reality of his situation, so raw and unyielding. Zaeed rested his chin on his head, keeping Regis tucked in close. He rubbed his back, fingers ghosting up and down, tracing the lines of his cybernetic heart tattoo.

“He never stopped loving you, and neither did I,” Zaeed said. “We both decided to get some ink after I met the family, you know.”

Regis wiped his face with the edge of the towel. “I love you too,” he said. “I loved you then, and I love you now,” he repeated, clinging onto him. “None of this is fucking healthy, and it won’t stop until we’re free. ”

“I love you too,” Zaeed repeated, cupping his face and wiping away still-falling tears with his thumb. “And I’d have to agree,” he chuckled, and Regis noticed his eyes were shining in the dim light. “Kaid and I joked a little too much about how we got together.”

“Sorry about that,” Regis wetly laughed. “Figured it was the only way I could get Kaidan off his ass.” And then he went back to what Zaeed said. “Wait a minute, Kaid? ”

“He seemed to like it,” Zaeed defended.

“I’m not saying he wouldn’t.” Regis couldn’t help but laugh, some of the tension leaving him. “Didn’t think you were the nickname type.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not about to start calling you Reggie,” he said with a grin.

Regis was going to kill Adrian and Vik once he got out of this mess.

“They didn’t ,” Regis said, clearing his throat. "Assholes."

"You love it though. Kaidan said you did," Zaeed said, brushing away wet curls from his face. Regis batted his hand away.

Regis relented. "Yeah, I did. Hannah was never one for nicknames. Uncle Adri gave it to me when I was still a kid. Vik calls me it more than he ever did. Knew it riled me up the older I got." Regis wiped his eyes and let out a yawn. "Fuck, I'm exhausted."

"Talking about shit is exhausting," Zaeed agreed. "But did it help?"

A bit. He felt a little looser, a little freer now.

But he wouldn't feel better until he was truly out of this mess.

"Some," he admitted. "Thanks."

"Don't thank me. It's what I'm here for."

Regis met his gaze and wrapped his arms around him tighter, clinging onto him. "I hate that you're here, but I'm so goddamn glad that you are."

"I know," he whispered. "I know."

Eventually, they'll break apart. Regis will dry his hair, get changed into comfy sleep clothes, wash his face and curl up in his embrace under the warm sheets, until the next day's mission where he'll be back to being the Butcher.

For now, he'll take comfort in the fact that he has someone he can trust, who knows him and said those three words that he often dreamed about.

Regis wasn't quite sure if he'd call the warlord dossier a success as he stood in front of the tank now taking space on board his ship.

Should he open it? Should he send it to Tuchanka and let the krogans make that choice?

He's sure as hell not about to let Cerberus do anything with it.

At least they had managed to remove the fish tank in his cabin while they were on the mission. Thankfully he doesn't have to deal with that waste of space anymore.

Kasumi stood next to him, leaning against the wall. "Someone's in a brooding mood."

"When am I not?" He bit back with no real bite. "Damn near every recruitment I've been on has gone to shit somehow."

"Solus's went well."

"We had to help cure a fucking plague," Regis chuckled. "That wasn't on the agenda."

"Neither was you coming back to life, but hasn't that worked in a lot of our favors?" She teased.

Regis shrugged, not quite sure how to react to that. "Depending on who you ask."

She tilted her head to the side. "Nice deflection, and perhaps I shouldn’t have worded it like that, but you're right. Can't imagine Miss Lawson being too happy with you right now."

Kasumi was sometimes way too perceptive, but sometimes it worked in his favor. Like now. He wasn’t keen on informing everyone how much hearing about his resurrection bothered him.

Somehow, talking about him dying was easy. The resurrection brought feelings of violation and rage that wouldn’t be sated until he finds out who removed his right to death and peace.

Regis rolled his eyes. "Like I give a fuck."

She only smiled in response, her gaze turning back to the cryo tank. “Lots of power draw in here. Not very efficient, and if we wait too long, we risk having to power it through our systems or just spacing the thing.”

“What do you suggest I do, then? I’ve weighed a lot of options and none of them are that appealing.”

“Worried about a krogan going on a rampage? Don’t blame you. I suggest you open it with a gun in one hand and those terrifying Warps of yours in another,” she suggested.

Regis pondered it for a moment. “I’ll deal with it after our short leave comes up. I’ll have a clearer head then.”

"Already giving back to the crew? What's in it for you?" She asked with a smirk.

Regis matched her expression. "Lots."

"Good. Need me to run interference in anything? Surprised you chose Omega as all places," she replied, crossing her arms.

"I don't think so, but I'll let you know. I'm meeting someone."

"Someone? The great Regis Shepard isn't just meaning someone. "

Regis shook his head. "It's a good thing I like you. I'm meeting with Kaidan."

"That beau in your little picture frame?" She asked. "And an upcoming Alliance soldier that is outshining his peers. Nearly an N7. Making waves and murmurs across the 'net."

"Matches up with what little I got from Anderson," he said. "Your sources say anything else?"

He still was bitter after that meeting. All these years loyal to the Alliance, staying with them despite their reaction to his Torfan decision and despite his hesitancy to take up the Spectre title.

And it meant fucking nothing in the end.

"Not really. He's mysterious. And I like that." She grinned.

"And I want you to keep it that way," Regis said with a pointed look.

She didn’t budge, waving off his concerns. "Sure. I like secrets, but I like keeping them just as much. I hope your meeting goes well."

"Thanks. And after this, I'll arrange to go to Bekenstein. Didn’t you say another dinner party was coming up soon?"

She lit up. "I really appreciate that, Regis."

"Of course. Anything for a friend."

"A friend? I'm glad I’ve gained your trust. We're going to have lots of fun getting what’s mine back.” She kicked off from the wall and started walking towards the door. "Be seeing you."

Regis walked out behind her, waving her off as she headed towards the elevator. He kept going to Zaeed's haunt, but as he was about to open the door, his omnitool pinged with an unknown message.

He frowned and scanned it, checking for anything out of the ordinary. His program caught some stray hexes that didn't quite line up, and after pushing it through, he slowly broke out into a smile, recognizing the signature from a mile away.

Vikram. Of course they would try to get through to him.

Never underestimate a determined matriarch. Especially one who had basically adopted Regis as their own.

He let the message through.

Reggie, dear, I understand the silence from you, we all do. But, if you're able, please send me a vid request. If only so I can get a good look at you.

Your favorite uncle misses you so dearly. He's currently out on a run, likely won't be back on Earth for a while. But he is in Terminus, which is where I hear you're hanging out.

Promise me this if you don't reply back: Be safe, and wipe Cerberus from the galaxy. With what I've heard, I know it's you aboard that ship.

He couldn’t even be mad at the Reggie comment.

“Are you just going to stand there?" Zaeed asked as he walked up to the door, clothed in a loose tank top and a spare pair of fatigues.

"Got a message from Vik," Regis explained, walking inside to sit down on the cot. "Of course, it took me a minute to scan and decode the damn thing, but it’s them.”

Regis showed the message to Zaeed, who glanced over it quickly. “I suppose Anderson relayed the message that you’re alive to your family,” he commented.

“Probably,” he sighed. “Not that it does any of us any good knowing the shit I’m in.”

“No, but it wouldn’t be a bad idea to see what they want to say.”

“I know, I’m going to try and send a vid request through my private server, and let Vik get access so he can hook Adrian and my mother up with it. And maybe after meeting with Kaidan I can get Ash in there, and even Hackett so I can siphon some info to them,” Regis rambled on, listing off his plans. “I need to set the narrative straight as soon as I can, because the longer I’m here–”

“The more you get involved with Cerberus,” Zaeed finished for him.

“Exactly.” Regis typed up a request and sent it through, knowing Vik will be able to get patched in easily.

Soon enough, a new user joined up in his logs, and Vik sent him the request. Regis transferred the request to one of Zaeed’s vid screens.

Vik appeared on the screen. “Damn, that was efficient. That’s how I knew I was talking to you,” they said, a smile on your face. “So, Cerberus brought you back, huh?”

Regis nodded. “It’s good to see you, too. Still calling me Reggie? Did you really have to slip that to Zaeed?”

Zaeed chuckled in the background.

“Of course. It’s an adorable name for my adorable Regis,” they said. “Still, I want to get a good look and read on you. Have any reports you’d like to send?” Clinical minded as ever.

Regis was not going to turn around and look at Zaeed’s expression. Nope. Not at all.

“I have the whole docs on my resurrection and a checkup from my doc.”

Vik closed their eyes. “It still seems so bizarre hearing about that. Two years, and suddenly you’re back as if nothing has changed. I can see that whatever they did was terribly inefficient healing wise. Scars carved from the nanos and cybernetics underneath?”

“Well, they claimed I woke up too early because the station they kept me on was attacked. I’m keeping them for now, but I’ll design something better later. Could use some help on that.”

“I have designs I can send you, don’t you worry, darling. I’ll get you fixed right up once you’re done here and given me your revisions,” they said, readjusting their screen. “And please send me those docs.”

“Will do,” Regis nodded, already patching them through. “And can you get Adrian and Hannah hooked into my server? I gave you admin rights.”

They lit up. “Gladly. I saw that special little access. Much appreciated.” Vik sighed, glancing at something off screen. “Though obviously this wasn’t just a social call.”

“Nothing ever is these days,” Regis said, crossing his arms. “What do you have for me?”

“Leverage, perhaps,” they said. “Did Zaeed tell you about what I learned about T’Soni?”

“Unfortunately. Working with a Shadow Broker agent and making deals with Cerberus, all concerned with some kind of cargo. Do you have more?” Regis couldn’t keep his anger out of his tone, biting out the words with plenty of venom.

“A video. Beautifully upscaled footage by Adrian. Maybe you can glean something from it now that you’re on board a Cerberus vessel. Throughout the years Kaidan was never able to identify the agents in the vid,” Vik explained, sending over a file.

“Wait, Kaidan couldn’t identify them? What’s that all about?” Regis asked.

“You… haven’t talked to him yet?” Vik asked.

“I’m meeting up with him in a couple of days on Omega,” Regis replied, holding his chin up high. “You said you understood my silence, so don’t blame me for being cautious when wanting to talk to Kaidan.”

“No, no, it surprised me since I figured he would be your first stop. I get it, though. Wouldn’t be surprised if Cerberus tried to fuck with him just to get back at you.”

When Regis didn’t immediately respond, Vik’s expression morphed into anger, their markings scrunching together. “Don’t tell me…”

He relayed the story about the photo in the cabin and who originally had access to it. Vik narrowed their eyes at the end, glowing faintly with light blue biotics. “Curious. And Cerberus didn’t recover your personal effects? I noticed you didn’t have your dog tags.” The ring was left unsaid, Vik knowing how much it meant to him.

“No, they did not.”

Vik hummed. “And you say only the ‘Ilos’ crew had the photo? A common denominator is appearing and it all points back to T’Soni.”

Regis tensed up. “What are you implying, Vik?”

“I think you know. Now that I have your context to add onto what little I figured out from Aria… it’s damning,” Vik said.

Regis’s blood ran cold, his fingers digging into his arms, leaving small indents from his nails, not wanting to come to the same conclusion. Anything but that. “I need to watch that damn video.” As he moved to open the file, he noticed his hands were shaking, filled with a sudden rage that threatened to explode.

He hit play and watched the video. Zaeed settled down on the cot next to him.

The security footage showed T'Soni speaking with Lawson, flanked by Cerberus soldiers in stark white armor.

There was no audio, but he could guess what they were talking about.

His fucking body.

Regis felt his corona rise to the surface, his biotics rushing underneath his skin. When the video ended and returned back to the vid call, he saw his face reflected back at him, his glowing eyes rimmed with dark violet biotics and burning with undisguised fury, his scars glowing in the dim light of Zaeed's corner of the ship.

"All this time, it was a member of my crew that did this to me, not Cerberus working alone," Regis said, his voice trembling with rage. "And you said that Aria knows about this?"

Anyone else would flinch when they heard that voice. But not Vik. Not Zaeed.

"Yes. The price at the time was too damn high. But now? Something tells me she'll tell you," Vik replied. "Don't forget your meditations, Regis. This is not the place to let loose."

Regis closed his eyes and sat criss-crossed on the cot, letting his field envelope him into a small barrier. "I'm well aware, Vik," he coldly replied. "My meeting with Kaidan is on Omega. I'll deal with all this shit then."

"What are you going to do about Lawson?" Zaeed asked. "It's obvious she kept this from you for a reason."

"No shit," Regis said, shaking his head. "I knew her word meant fucking nothing. I can't approach her now, not when I don't know for sure."

"Always have the best hand," Vik reminded. "Don't let this poison your reunion. You have the upper hand here."

Regis let out a breath. "Yeah, I know. Listen, let's go back to what you said earlier. What has Kaidan been up to? Anderson was frustratingly vague."

"Taking up what you wanted to start in the Alliance. Working closely with Hackett to gain more information on Cerberus. I believe he's already damn near N5. Maybe even N6. He's been quiet lately," Vik explained, a thoughtful look on their face. "I'd almost say he turned into another you, but that would be a lie. He slotted into the role that you had carved out for yourself and made it entirely his own, much to the displeasure of some parts of the Alliance that wanted another you. "

Kaidan carried on his dream and took up the N mantle while he was gone. Regis was happy to hear that he was working with Hackett, one of the few admirals he trusted beyond the chain of command.

But getting that far ahead in the ranks meant he must've done the less-advertised acceleration program. Missions often meant for small or solo agents almost always coined as suicide missions due to their sensitivity, complexity, and risk for failure.

And after all he did for the Alliance despite their reaction to his Torfan decision, they still wanted to use him even after his death.

“So he became another infiltrator and spec ops unit for them. As long as he did it of his own will, I’m happy to hear he was able to be a thorn in Cerberus’s side,” Regis said, thinking about Kaidan wearing the red stripes.

“He did. He made sure of it,” Zaeed interjected. “Hell, even I made Hackett do everything in his power to keep an eye on Kaidan for my own sake.”

Wait a minute.

“You know Hackett?” Regis asked, raising an eyebrow. “Small galaxy.”

Zaeed grinned. “I’ll tell you the story later. But yes, we’ve been friends for many years, even after I decided that the Alliance wasn’t the goddamn path for me.”

Regis knew there was lots to Zaeed he didn’t know, and hell, the same could be said for them. He wondered if Kaidan ever opened up to him about BAaT and what ultimately brought them together.

It’s a story he should tell him anyway. Even if he wishes Vik was able to train him, he wouldn’t trade it knowing it’s what led him to Kaidan, and eventually to Zaeed.

“Small galaxy indeed,” Vik echoed. “I won’t keep you long. Keep in contact, okay? I want to see you in one piece once you’re done with your mission, Regis.”

“Give Adrian my love,” Regis replied, nearly with a watery smile. “I’m so–”

“Don’t you dare finish that fucking sentence,” Vik interrupted, rasing their voice. “We’ll have time to deal with everything that happened later. But what happened these past two years is not your fault. So no apologies necessary. No matter how you see it, you’re here now. And I hope it stays that way for a while.”

Zaeed wrapped an arm around him and pulled him in next to him. “They’re right.” Regis hugged him back.

“I know,” Regis said quietly. “Doesn’t make it any easier hearing what I missed out on.” He paused and let out a soft chuckle. “I hope I’m here a hell of a lot longer than a while.”

Vik rolled their eyes. “Goddess, Reggie, you knew what I meant. You know, seeing you grow up has been some of the best memories of my long life. I’m very grateful to have been part of your family.”

“Fuck,” Regis said, wiping his eyes. “Now you’re really going to make me cry. You’ve been the best guardian I could’ve asked for as a young spacer kid.”

He felt Zaeed shift in his seat next to him. Regis rested his head on his shoulder.

Vik smiled. “I won’t keep you any longer than I already had. I’ll get everyone set up for you. Give my warm greetings to Kaidan. I’ve taught him a few new tricks. After you’re out of this mess, I’ll be sure to teach them to you.”

“Oh really? What did you teach him?” Regis asked, always ready to learn from Vik.

“He can Reave, perform biotic bubbles that would make an asari commando jealous, and he even managed to create an Annihilation Field without too much trouble, though I owe that to you and your field induction techniques,” Vik replied, a proud look on his face. “Never seen anything like it from a human. He is exquisite.”

“He is exquisite,” Regis agreed with a laugh. “Wow. I am definitely jealous now.”

“You’ll learn in time. Hell, you’ve always been a quick learner. I’m sure he could show you his mnemonics and you’ll have mastered it in a week.”

“Well, you’ve given me plenty to think and talk about, like always. Thanks, Vik.”

“You are very welcome, my dear. Be safe. And you too, Zaeed,” Vik said with a wave. “Keep in touch.”

They ended the call. Regis let out a deep breath.

“And how are you feeling now?” Zaeed asked.

“Better, although furious and violated. Fucking T’Soni ,” he growled out, standing up from the cot. “Even if she wasn’t involved in getting my body, she was still talking with Cerberus. She is a traitor to me and the fucking Alliance now.” “Kaidan already let Hackett know about this shit back when he heard about it. They’ve been monitoring her ever since,” Zaeed commented.

“And The Illusive Man said she was in Illium. After I get that convict–which I guarantee is going to be another shit show–I’m going to talk to her,” Regis said, shaking his head. “I’m going to go back to my cabin and make sure I have everything prepared for leave."

Zaeed stood up from the cot and brushed a kiss onto his cheek. "Have fun."

Regis rolled his eyes, feeling his cheeks warm up. "I'll try."

The day had come. Regis put the final touches on his outfit, tucking in an Eagle in a hidden pocket inside his long coat.

Best to be prepared in Omega.

He knew Zaeed had already left the ship, wanting to meet up with some old contacts of his to get and trade information, and he promised that he'll make time to visit him and Kaidan after they "talk shit out."

Which is a fair way to put it.

Regis left his cabin, walking straight towards the airlock to the dock. "It’s likely I’ll be staying out overnight. EDI, send any relevant comms to my omnitool. I’ll leave it to your discretion.”

“Of course, Shepard,” she said, her chess piece hologram popping up in a blur of blue. “Anything else?”

“I’ll let you know. Thanks.” As Regis was about to enter the airlock, Moreau stopped him.

“Sounds like you have big plans. Staying overnight in Omega, especially after all these rumors saying Massani is warming your bed?” Moreau started, turning around in his chair. “Scandalous.”

Regis narrowed his eyes, and to make his point clear, he ensured to call Moreau by his preferred name. “Joker, I am only going to say this once: The relationship between Zaeed and I is long before I was even on the first fucking Normandy. If you really want to know more, maybe don’t listen to the Cerberus scuttlebutt and come to me directly with any concerns.”

“Figured you would blast me out of your room for daring to come up there after–”

Regis interrupted him. “I am still your commander. I can separate the lines between command and personal issues. Can you?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. “I’m not going to apologize for anything I said, nor do I want to hear one from you. But let me make it clear: What I do on this ship is my business only, and the crew seems to like you. Use that to my advantage and tell them to shut the hell up.”

He almost seemed satisfied with Regis’s response. “Sure, fine. I’ll redirect the rumors, although it’s hard to be subtle about leaving your cabin early in the morning.”

Regis shrugged. “And I don’t give a fuck. Don’t spend too much time working. That’s what EDI is for.”

“Of course. I’ll be happy to take over some of your duties, Jeff, so you can go on leave,” EDI piped in.

“No! You messed with my settings when I left to grab lunch yesterday, so hell no. I’m good here,” he replied, turning around in his chair. “But I am going to get that story out of you.”

“What story?” Regis asked with a smirk, realizing he could fuck with him. Regis and Joker have never had anything more than a barely civil relationship, but there were times they could mess around with each other without too much hostility on the other’s part. Regis figured this could be one of those times. “The one where Kaidan and I met Zaeed while on leave and learned a hell of a lot more about where our tastes lie?”

“Wait wait wait… hold on. Back up, you bastard! Too much information but also what?” He turned back around in his chair.

“Ponder on that for a while, Moreau, and tell me what you come up with,” Regis replied, opening the airlock with a flourish. “I’ll see you later.”

He heard him yell his name as he walked down the docking tube, laughing the whole way down.

Regis put his hands in his pockets, feeling the old pack of Astras still in the coat. His fingers itched to take one out, but his lighter was still with Zaeed, and he wasn’t about to use his omnitool to generate a flame. Yet, the temptation was still there, the feeling of wanting to relax before seeing Kaidan again.

He would know if he smoked one. Kaidan never judged him for it–hell, Kaidan would take it from him and take a few drags himself–but he always worried that one day, he’ll take it too far. So, he tried to limit his intake of the drug, knowing it was BAaT that even started his taste for it.

They dosed all the kids differently. Regis was one of those that got more. Vik helped him through it, and even suggested the Astras as a way to satiate his craving, as a low dose, low powered option, watching out for him the moment he started smoking them.

Then Cerberus brought him back, and so Regis brought back the one thing he could easily rely on to help him relax and destress. Now that he had Zaeed keeping an eye on him, things were better.

But not great.

The entrance to Afterlife loomed over him, the temptation to speak to Aria now almost too great. Instead, he headed down to where Vik’s old clinic used to lie, and an old apartment that Adrian kept up in case he or Vik or any of the family needed a safe place to stay in Omega.

He wasn’t surprised to see it become their meeting place today.

Once in front of the door, he took a deep breath and flashed his omnitool, unlocking the door.

The moment he stepped inside, he saw a flash of blue, and then he was pressed up against the wall, an omniblade against his neck. Regis almost threw out a warp, but his fingers stilled once he saw it was Kaidan, eyes burning blue. His fingers twitched underneath the glowing blade, and he felt a barrier surrounding him in crackles of light.

But it felt wrong , a coldness that was never part of his barriers, always feeling like an extension of his love for Regis. No, this was something different.

This was the beginning of a Reave.

“What did you say to me in that video? What did you want me to do?” Kaidan asked, narrowing his eyes and keeping his voice low.

Of course. That video.

“I wanted you to keep my ring safe, and to move on with Zaeed,” Regis replied, keeping a steady gaze onto him, trying not to flinch despite knowing that if their roles were swapped, he would be doing the same damn thing.

Kaidan glanced away for a moment, his eyes flicking back to him a second later. “What was it I asked you to do for me after the Battle of the Citadel?”

This question could have a few answers, but Regis decided to offer the most vulnerable. “You wanted me to be in charge, to show that I was okay and alive after the tower,” he said softly.

The blade on his neck slowly pulled away, but the crackling Reave still remained, threatening to shift into something more than just a warning, to start to snuff out his life bit by bit. “What did you say to me after BAaT?”

BAaT. What brought them together in the end. And what could’ve been the end of them all the same.

Regis still wished he was the one who killed Vyrnnus.

“To not let anyone make you think you were a monster or anything less than human for saving us all ,” Regis damn near spat out, remembering the reactions of the other kids. Could he blame them? No, not really, but they never blamed Regis for being the one who made it easy for Kaidan to take him down.

They only saw who dealt the killing blow.

Kaidan released his hold onto him, his biotics extinguishing in a flash, the room no longer lit by the volatile power.

No longer being threatened, Regis got a better look at him. To his surprise, he was wearing one of Regis’s red and black scarves, along with an outfit very similar to Regis’s, just with a blue coat instead of a black.

Matching even to this day.

He looked tired, dark circles under his eyes, and a few new scars framed his face. A new one underneath his left eye, and a long one bisecting his right eyebrow. He had even grown out a beard, groomed similar to Regis's but shaved but closer.

They stared at each other, Regis staying against the wall, trying to find the words he wanted to say.

Instead, Kaidan surged forward and wrapped him into a hug, letting out a pained cry. Regis hugged him back, letting tears fall as they sank to the ground, holding onto each other tightly. Hands clutching the backs of their jackets, breathing in each other’s scent, their biotic fields intersecting once more, no longer holding back.

A reunion at last.

Regis started to whisper apologies, but Kaidan shushed him, tangling his fingers in his hair. “None of this is your fucking fault, okay?”

“Vik gave me the same damn rant,” Regis wetly laughed, his face pressed into Kaidan’s neck. “I’ve missed you so goddamn much and it hasn’t even been that long for me.”

Kaidan pulled away just a bit, cupping his face in his hands, his dark eyes shining with tears. “It’s been a long two years, love. Sorry about ambushing you, but–”

Regis waved him off. “Please, I would have done the same thing. That Reave though… beautiful.”

“Thank Vik for that,” he laughed. Kaidan studied his face, rubbing soft circles with his fingers, looking at his new cybernetic scars and glowing eyes. “This is all due to what Cerberus did to you, right? I read the reports, but they only hypothesized what their enhancements would do to you.”

Regis nodded. “At least they’re red. Suits me, right?”

“That they do,” he admitted, his face full of admiration. “God, Regis, you’re so beautiful. Alive and here with me, never thought I would see the day ever again,” he said, his voice breaking at the end. “Regis, Regis, Regis." He repeated, saying his name like a prayer. And perhaps it was a way to hope that they won't ever have to go through this ever again.

"Kaidan," Regis breathed out, eyes glancing down to his lips, to that faded scar on his lower lip. He leaned in, and Kaidan closed the distance between them, pulling Regis in close. Kaidan's mouth crushed down on his, pushing him against the floor until they were flat, Kaidan on top of him and tangling a hand in his curls.

Regis followed, messing with the gelled hair and held him tightly, swiping his tongue over his mouth. Their kisses trembled with grief, but also years of love that still remained despite everything, waiting to be reawakened once more. Tears streamed down both their faces as they relearned each other, fitting back together as if it was their last night together before Alchera, before everything that had torn them apart.

"Kaidan," he said again, against his lips. "I love you." He’ll keep saying it, wishing those were the last words Kaidan heard.

"I love you, too, Regis, and I never stopped," he replied, pulling back and hovering over him. "Shit, they really brought everything back. Ink, scars, and piercings," he observed with shaking hands, lightly running down his face, touching the metal before stopping at the tattoo on his throat. "It's really you."

"I know," Regis whispered. "There were times I wondered, but if you and Zaeed believe it, and Vik believes it… it has to be true."

"It must be true," Kaidan echoed. "But right here, right now? You're real enough for me." He started to rise up and offered a hand. Regis took it and they walked hand in hand to the bedroom, stealing looks and glances at each other.

"And that's all that matters to me," Regis admitted as he shrugged off his coat, tossing it on the chair. "Kaidan, I–fuck, there's so much I need to talk to you about."

Kaidan smiled sadly, wiping at his eyes. "If you think it's bad for you…" he trailed off, eyes widening at what he said. "Shit, that's a terrible way to put it."

"No, no, you're right." Regis looked down at his arms, tracing the ink with his eyes. "Where do we even begin? How much time do you even have?"

Kaidan shook his head. "Not long. I wrote up a detailed summary of the important stuff. But… I'm nearly an N6. The accelerated program has been kicking my ass, but I've dealt some heavy blows to Cerberus's operations. Plus, I implemented that biotic program of yours."

"Thank you," Regis said, grasping onto Kaidan's hands tightly, turning to face him. "Thank you for carrying that on. N5? Hell, that makes you one of the fastest risers. And what about Ash? Please invite her to my damn server. I need to see her, too."

"I will once she's on leave. She's an N4, about to be N5. Currently on a longer run. I don't know the details," Kaidan said with a nod. "She broke some of your marksman records by the way."

That’s his girl. Kicking ass and making waves.

"Guess I need to reset them when I get back to Rio," Regis chuckled. "I'm glad you were both able to continue on. That makes me so happy to hear, you know?”

“I know,” he said, and then frowned. “There is one thing I need to inform you about one of Cerberus's operations, but I’m sure you’ve made your position clear to them?”

Regis almost snorted. “More than. Zaeed’s been the main person on my squad, rotated out with a thief I picked up on the Citadel and a salarian scientist. I refuse to take the two trained operatives with me–and one of them is who was responsible for my resurrection in the first place.”

Well, there was Vakarian, but Regis wasn’t too sure what to do with him. They disagreed on too much morally, plus complicated by the fact that Regis barely remembered him from when he passed up recruiting him for the Saren mission.

He also wasn’t too fond of his tendency for extrajudicial executions.

“A salarian scientist? That’s one hell of a story,” Kaidan said. “It’s good to hear that you and Zaeed have each other’s backs. We were worried about him working with Cerberus, but it was an opportunity we couldn't quite pass up. Combine that with the rumors and footage we got from Freedom’s Progress and my mission a few weeks before…"

"'We?'" Regis asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ah, right. Hackett and me. We've been working closely together, and Zaeed's only working with Cerberus as a favor to Hackett. They have quite the history together," Kaidan said, rubbing the back of his head. "And uh, I may have implied to him at some point that the three of us had history."

Regis wanted to know how that came up. "I'm glad Hackett continued to be a good ally for you. I've always trusted him beyond the chain of command."

"I know, which is why I decided to work with him after… after Alchera,” Kaidan said, pausing at the mention of Regis’s death.

“It’s okay to say it,” Regis said, holding Kaidan’s gaze. “I don’t want to hide from it. I died and I came back.”

“How are you so okay with it?” He asked, furrowing his eyebrows in worry. “How can you just casually say that like you're talking about the damn weather?”

Regis, still holding Kaidan’s hand, placed it on his thigh. “I nearly had a panic attack when I saw Zaeed’s new tattoo in the shower. I’m not okay with it,” he admitted. “Somehow I could ignore the passage of time. Yes, people had changed, but not enough for me to be consciously aware of it all the time. All I cared about was finishing the mission, taking down as many Cerberus operatives with me as possible, and getting back to the Alliance.”

“But seeing that reminded you what was lost,” Kaidan said quietly. “Did he mention mine?”

Regis turned to look at him, moving to cradle the side of his face with his hand. Kaidan leaned into the touch, covering Regis’s hand with his. “He did. Something on your back, but he didn’t say what.”

Kaidan made a move to pull off his shirt, but Regis stopped him mid-way, taking over and taking it off himself. New scars adorned his toned chest as he stretched out his arms, a few burns that looked fresh and some general “Alliance wear and tear.” He wanted to ask what caused those, but his gaze turned to his back.

A tree of circuits, the branches stretching out around his shoulders, but as it traveled down, the circuits started becoming real tree branches, ending in a trunk surrounded by flowers.

Regis’s hand hovered over the tattoo before tracing down the lines. “It’s incredible work, Kaidan.”

“It connects to my leg,” Kaidan said, looking over his shoulder with a soft smile. “Watch this.”

He activated his corona, and the ink on his back reacted in turn, a background of binary code lit in a light blue, reacting to his biotics.

Regis traced the binary, translating it one by one.

Sic itur ad astra

Thus one goes to the stars.

It must have a double meaning: A memorial for Regis, but also what led them to getting together, onboard a space station in the stars.

“Kaidan, I…” He trailed off. “It’s so beautiful. I don’t know what to say,” he admitted, meeting his gaze.

“Then show me,” he replied.

Regis leaned in for another kiss, but this time, it wasn’t framed or powered by grief and separation. No, this time, it was filled with softness, of love and of want.

Kaidan started tugging at Regis’s shirt, breaking apart briefly enough to tug it off before resuming. Kaidan started kissing down his neck, lightly tracing the tattoo on his throat, before continuing down. Regis let out a sigh, watching with half-lidded eyes as Kaidan traced the tattoos on his chest with his mouth, as he nipped and licked and sucked at every section, relearning the lines that were unchanged from his resurrection.

“What do you want, Regis?” Kaidan asked, stopping at the belt of his pants.

“I want to see you,” Regis said. “I want you to make me feel like me again.”

Kaidan nodded and Regis started tugging at his belt, slipping it off and tossing it on the ground. Kaidan took off his own belt, careful to put his Carnifex on the side table. Always prepared.

It’s a damn shame they have to be.

Regis scooted back onto the bed until he was laying against the pillows, unbuttoning and unzipping his pants to relieve some of the pressure on his hardness.

Kaidan climbed on top of him, claiming his mouth once more as his hand trailed down to ghost over Regis’s covered length. Regis groaned into his mouth. “Stop teasing.”

“All in due time,” Kaidan teased. “Did you and Zaeed ever…” he trailed off.

“No,” Regis shook his head. “Nothing more than kissing and sharing the same bed. He kept saying I wasn’t ready for it, and he was right.”

He regretted being honest when Kaidan pulled away, his hand leaving his hardening cock. “Are you ready now?” Kaidan asked. “We don’t have to do anything.”

“No, I want this,” Regis emphasized. “Just… check in with me.” He raised up to touch the new scars on his lover’s chest. “And start by telling me where you got those.”

“Let’s just talk for a bit, then,” Kaidan said, moving to lie down next to him, tugging off his boots and pants, leaving him in his boxers. Regis did the same, lying down on his side.

“A few weeks before your Freedom’s Progress mission, I was sent to investigate something that was codenamed Project: Overlord. A Cerberus project involving a VI hybrid that appeared to have gone rogue. My team and I took down some operatives that were already investigating the mission,” he started, grabbing Regis’s hand once more.

“Apparently the VI figured out how to communicate and control the geth. I wasn’t wearing my usual hardsuit for the mission, but instead an infiltration suit that didn’t provide as much protection. I got burned pretty bad by a rocket trooper,” he explained. “Loved that suit, but I like my hardsuit much better. Anyway, we shut down two of the three facilities. The third was the main one that we suspected was housing the VI. We later got separated after dealing with a lot of malfunctions and abnormalities.”

He rubbed at the back of his neck, where his amp and implant lied. “I was using a modified Archon visor, and somehow the VI had hijacked my feeds, overlaying a digital world with our own. And then, I could understand him, and he understood that I wasn’t Cerberus. He wasn’t just a VI, he was a human fused with a VI to understand the geth. And his brother was the one who did it to him.”

Regis wanted to be sick, again being proven right about Cerberus’s atrocities. “What happened next?” He asked.

“He ceased attacking me and guided the rest of my team to me after I told him what we were doing. He led us to this… chamber where he was hooked up to a massive supercomputer.” He closed his eyes. “I won’t be forgetting what I saw anytime soon. After we were about to send word to get him secured into Alliance custody at Grissom Academy, his brother finally arrived. He begged us to keep the project alive, not seeming to care that we were Alliance, claiming the importance of understanding the geth.”

Kaidan met his gaze. “I knocked him out with a neural shock and ensured he was placed into custody.”

Regis shook his head. “All the Cerberus members on the ship claim Cerberus is doing so much good that it was their only option. It doesn’t matter what I saw with Saren, they claim it was rouge cells.”

“All a way to try and get you to back down, I’m sure,” Kaidan observed.

“Plus, Chakwas and Moreau are on board,” Regis commented. “Both were offered a role by Cerberus, using me as the lure since both were effectively grounded.”

“And they still joined up despite everything we saw,” he said bitterly. “What a waste. I know Chakwas has been on extended leave, but Moreau is effectively AWOL.”

Unlike Regis, Kaidan always used his nickname. What changed?

“‘Moreau?’” Regis asked. “There’s a story there.”

“There’s too many fucking stories,” Kaidan bit out, but the anger clearly wasn’t directed at him. His face softened. “Sorry, it’s just… hard recounting everything that you missed.”

“Hell, it could be an email for all I care. Don’t worry about it.” Regis tried to smile, but he was sure it didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“Love, it’s okay. I will make time if I have to, unless Hackett calls me back in. He wants to speak with you as well at some point,” Kaidan replied, kissing his forehead. “I can hook him up with our server too.”

“Do it,” Regis replied. “I need to save my name and my career after this bullshit.”

Kaidan smiled. “We’re already a step ahead. We were hoping that best case scenario, it really was you with Cerberus, and so we’ve been planning on how to best handle your return. Public, you’re going to be put in custody, no way around it. But we will make sure you come out of it with a promotion and whatever commission you want.”

“They didn’t even promote me posthumously,” Regis shook his head, almost wanting to laugh, surprised at how easy they were able to get back to this type of ease with each other. “I really appreciate it. I know I've trusted the right people. Wish I could say the same about others.”

“Did Vik mention something they told me–”

Regis interrupted him with a kiss. Kaidan let out a surprised sound and half-heartedly pushed him back. “What was that?”

“Me telling you to not let that bullshit ruin what we have right now. It can wait. Aria can wait,” Regis said. “Now, where were we?”

“Depends. Are we still talking, or are we going to see where this goes?” Kaidan asked, his voice gaining that raspy growl that makes Regis’s toes curl.

Regis toyed with the waistband of his boxers, slowly pulling them off, watching Kaidan’s eyes darken with lust. “I suppose we are going to see where this goes.”

Kaidan climbed back on top of him, his clothed dick rubbing against his. Regis gasped and Kaidan captured his mouth, grinding against him, the friction of the cloth against his uncovered cock creating a delicious sensation. They don’t even have to go further than this. He’ll be satisfied being here with Kaidan, sharing lust and intimacy and simply existing with one another in this moment.

That’s all he wanted ever since he woke up on Lazarus Station.

Kaidan pulled off his boxers, grinning into the kiss, running his hands up and down the cybernetic heart on Regis’s back. Regis whined as Kaidan moved lower and lower, the tips of his fingers teasing at his hole. “I missed hearing those sounds you make when you let loose,” he purred. “I’m so lucky, having two lovers who love being vocal.”

“He’s here, you know,” Regis gasped out. “Waiting for us to finish talking shit out.”

“Oh, we’re still talking?” He asked, and activated his corona, biotically pulling a tube of lube that was sitting on the nightstand. “You could call him now, as I’m preparing you for my cock. Trying to keep your voice level, lest someone overhears.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Regis breathed out as he heard the cap open with a click, settling himself back against the pillows with his legs spread open. “I want him, too, Kaidan.”

“I know,” he said, pressing a soft kiss on his lips as he eased a slick finger inside. Regis let out a soft gasp, it’s been too long since he’s had someone other than himself. “And we will be together again, love. It took me too long to realize what gift you gave me, telling me to lean on Zaeed.”

“We will,” Regis echoed, throwing his head back as Kaidan eased another finger in, taking his sweet time prepping and stretching his hole. "Kaidan, please."

He shushed him. "Be patient. I don't want to hurt you," he said, leaning in to press a kiss on the harsh scar that bisected his lip, the scar that was a reminder of Torfan.

Regis rolled his eyes, about to retort but Kaidan curled his fingers just right , hitting that sweet bundle of nerves inside of him. “Dammit, Kaid–”

Kaidan inserted a third finger, and Regis nearly saw stars, crying out as Kaidan wrapped his field around his fingers, creating an electric sensation inside of him that almost always made him come. “You are a fucking sadist,” Regis growled after regaining some semblance of his composure, grabbing fistfuls of sheets.

“And you love me that way,” Kaidan said before pulling out his fingers, causing Regis to whine at the loss. “But this sadist has a request for you. Ride me.”

“I think I like your request,” Regis replied with a heated gaze, taking in the length of his lover before moving aside. “Swap with me.”

Kaidan settled himself against the pillows, lazily grasping his cock after lubing it up. Regis climbed on top of him, running his hands down his chest, tracing the lines of the new scars, before stopping just above Kaidan’s length. He held Kaidan’s gaze as he sank down, moaning as his hardness filled him, the stretch a perfect burn.

Regis laced his finger’s with Kaidan’s, activated his corona with a quivering mnemonic, and settled down on his cock. They both stayed there for a moment, blue and violet biotic fields glowing in the dim room. Kaidan’s eyes rimmed with a bright blue, framing his lust-blown eyes so perfectly. Regis wanted to preserve this moment, this quiet worship between them.

“I love you,” Regis said again, breaking the quiet moment between them the only way he knew how.

“I love you, too,” Kaidan replied, squeezing his hands.

Regis started to move, rolling his hips on his dick, adjusting to the feeling. Kaidan encouraged his movements by grinding upward, smirking as Regis bit back a moan. In return, Regis started to move faster, rocking his hips back and forth as he fucked himself on his dick, bringing himself closer to completion as he angled himself just right.

Kaidan looked gorgeous as Regis watched between gasps and choked out moans, both of their fields becoming more volatile by the second. Regis stilled himself for a moment, nearly lifting himself off his dick before slamming down in one smooth moment, over and over, drawing out desperate sounds from Kaidan as Regis laughed breathlessly, temporarily taking charge.

"I'm close," Kaidan warned, raising up and releasing his grip on his hands. Regis leaned in to claim his mouth, letting Kaidan take charge as he started thrusting upward, exploring his mouth with his tongue as he fucked him deeper and deeper, Regis meeting his thrusts with long rolls of his hips.

And then, a tightness–his field turned inward before flaring out in a wave of violet as Regis came all over his chest untouched, moaning freely and uncontrollably. Kaidan soon followed in a wave of blue, coming deep inside him in a rush of warmth, groaning out his name into his mouth as his hips stilled.

With heaving breaths, Regis slowly raised up from his cock, whining at the stimulation and the loss, collapsing on top of his lover, not caring for the sticky, sweaty mess they became.

Kaidan grinned, wrapping his arms around him. "Are we still talking, or can I let Zaeed know where we are?"

"Fuck off," Regis groaned into his neck, hiding a grin as Kaidan pressed a kiss into his hair.

"So, is that a yes or a no?"

"You're too damn chipper," Regis chuckled. "Give me a minute."

"Of course, love," he replied. Regis rolled off of him and laid next to him on his side. Kaidan took the hint and settled behind him, cuddling him close to his chest. Despite their slight height difference, Regis always loved being the little spoon, the warmth of Kaidan around him a comfort he always craved.

He's so damn lucky that he has Zaeed able to do the same thing for him, to help him through sleepless nights.

One thing he’s noticed since his return is that his insomnia wasn’t as bad as it used to be, one of the side-effects of his L2 implant. Still, he had many sleepless nights, running no fumes for some of their operations.

Regis opened his omnitool and opened up the camera. Kaidan rested his chin on his shoulder, giving a smug look to the camera. He snapped a picture and sent a quick message to Zaeed, along with a link to join the private server.

Zaeed immediately sent a voice call request as a reply.

Regis answered it. "So, you got my–"

"You're goddamn right I got your message. I'll be there soon, but I have to ask: is everything okay?" Zaeed said, his voice tinged with something… longing, perhaps.

"For now? More than," Kaidan said. "We're okay. And we want you here with us. Not much of a reunion without you."

Zaeed chuckled. "I guess you're right. Regis, need me to bring anything?"

"Could you get my bag?" He asked sheepishly. "I might've left it on my bed."

"Sure. What would you do without me? See you two soon." He ended the call.

Regis turned around to face Kaidan. "Did he sound… off?" Regis asked full of concern.

Kaidan nodded, furrowing his eyebrows. “We just need to make sure he knows we want to be all in.”

Regis pecked a kiss on his lips. “And I’ll say it again: I’m so thankful you two had each other. I’m not jealous or angry or anything about what you two did. If anything, I’m grateful that at the bare minimum I’ve been given a chance to say everything I’ve been wanting to say.”

“Which is?”

“That I love the both of you so fucking much. That we should’ve been honest and told him how much he meant to us.” Regis rubbed his face, scratching at his beard. “That I wish we had more time, instead of this mission looming over me.”

Kaidan looked thoughtful. “Regis, if I ask you something, will you answer me honestly?”

Regis furrowed his eyebrows. “What is it? You know the answer to that is going to be yes.”

“How do you really feel about your resurrection? It seems like you keep bouncing back and forth. And I’m worried about you,” he said, cupping his face. Regis leaned into the touch.

He was sure that worry was an understatement. This whole meeting, they’ve been dancing around the topic. Happy to be back together, happy to learn and love each other once more.

But unable to talk about what’s looming between them, knowing there’s not enough time. There’s never enough time.

Regis made an annoyed sound. “I don’t know how I feel, really. I feel numb about it all. I’m happy that you and Zaeed and my family have me back, but at what cost? My rights were taken away from me. My personal effects were taken away from me. I had no say in any of this. And it feels so disturbing and horrifying knowing I was some experiment, some plaything so that Cerberus could use me," he ranted. "I feel lost and being here with you has helped, but I'm going to be back in the belly of the beast soon enough."

"It almost sounds like you know who did this to you," Kaidan said, cradling him tighter.

"I put it together after Vik showed me the footage. That Cerberus operative T'Soni was talking to? Miranda Lawson, the person who oversaw my resurrection," Regis spat.

He felt Kaidan tense around him. "Then I made the right call for Hackett to start distancing her from the Alliance. Hell, Wren is still watching her now in Illium. Are you going to confirm with Aria?"

Good. Make her face the consequences of her selfish actions. He was happy to hear about Wren. She’s a damn good infiltrator, and vicious on the battlefield with her biotics, well deserving of the Fury title. A perfect choice for one of Hackett’s agents.

"Yeah. I need to know for sure. That way, when I’m out of this fucking mess, I can come for her and my dogtags.”

They cannot be lost. She must have them.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. “Enough about her," Regis said, glancing over to the bathroom. “Think we have enough time to wash up real quick?”

“What, you don’t want Zaeed seeing us in post-orgasmic bliss? Scandalous,” Kaidna chuckled. “Well, since you gave him the access codes, sure. We have time. You want to go first?”

“Not together?” Regis teased.

“More for my sake than yours. I’m not sure what I’ll do to you after getting you all wet for me,” Kaidan purred.

Regis blushed at his words, shaking his head and slowly getting up from the bed. “Alright, fine.” He slowly made his way to the bathroom, making no move to cover up, knowing Kaidan’s gaze was on him and the evidence of their lovemaking until he shut the door.

He took a quick shower, making use of Adrian’s leftover products and Vik’s favorite soap. He tried not to think too hard about what they used the apartment for, but of course, he couldn’t say a damn thing about it since he and Kaidan–and maybe one day Zaeed–use it for the same purpose.

Pays to have a safe place to hide from the galaxy.

Once he was done, he turned off the water, grabbed a towel, and stepped out of the bathroom, reaching to pick up his discarded clothes as Kaidan brushed past him.

He sat down on the edge of the bed after getting most of his clothes back on, noticing that Kaidan had straightened them up for him. Even his coat was folded neatly on the chair instead of being flung over. Opening his omnitool, he glanced at the messages, looking for anything that might be important. He noticed that Vik had gotten his mother and Adrian added to the server, but neither had made any contact yet.

Regis made sure to make a note to talk to both of them later, not quite looking forward to those conversations either.

And then, a message from Moreau popped up.

JM: WHAT THE FUCK, SHEPARD?

Regis raised an eyebrow before replying.

RS: ?

JM: Wow, that was fast.

RS: ??

JM: Okay, smartass. Massani came back to the ship, and you know what he said to me when I asked him what his whole deal was with you and Alenko?

RS: I can’t believe you brought him into this.

JM: You’re the one who brought him into your quarters.

Regis couldn’t argue with that.

JM: Anyway, what he said is that both you and Alenko showed him the true power of biotics. Which… means something more than I want to know, right?

RS: You have a brain. You can figure out what he meant along with what I told you earlier.

JM: SERIOUSLY?

RS: What? I know what I like. He knows what he likes. Match made in heaven. Now, please fuck off. I’m in the middle of something.

JM: Ugh. You’re right, I should have never accepted their damn offer. I would still be ignorant of all this. What are you doing that’s so important anyway?

RS: Kaidan.

Should he have gone there? Probably not. Did it feel good to say? Hell yes.

JM: Hold on… You’re with Alenko right now???

RS: Yes. And I don’t have much time with him. Keep this to yourself.

JM: Shit, Shepard, when it comes to things like this, you know I will, right? But like, is he… okay?

Not what he expected to see in reply. Regis pressed his lips together, trying to figure out what he meant by that.

RS: Yeah, I know. You’re not an ass when it counts, most of the time. But Kaidan seems to be okay, why?

JM: Tell him I should’ve listened. He’ll know what it means. I won’t waste any more of your time. For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re able to clear the air with him.

RS: I will. And we’ll be okay once we’re out of this mess.

JM: Oh, and EDI wants me to tell you that your shipment is ready to pick up at the Citadel. What’s it for?

RS: Something I ordered for Zaeed. We’ll pick it up after we get that convict.

JM: Got it. I’ll go ahead and plot the course. And with that, I’m going to get a bit of leave.

Regis didn’t reply, shutting down his omnitool with a twitch of his fingers. A moment later, he heard the door open, and Kaidan walked out with a towel wrapped around his waist. He gave him a smile as he started to get dressed, and soon he joined him back on the edge of the bed, where all this started.

“I just talked to Moreau,” Regis said. “He wanted me to tell you that he should’ve listened.”

Kaidan closed his eyes, his face becoming tense. “A little late for that,” he said bitterly. “But better late than never.”

Something happened after his death. Should he ask? He’s already questioned it once, and well, Kaidan’s not always the type to hide things from him.

“He asked me a while ago if I blamed him for his death,” Regis offered. “I told him all I blamed him for was thinking Cerberus was a good idea.”

Kaidan stayed silent, not saying anything at first. And then he let out a sigh. “I went off on him after he returned without you. I knew after hearing you… that you wouldn’t be there. But I had to know what the hell happened.” Regis wrapped an arm around him, pulling him in close to his side, clutching his blue turtleneck. Kaidan rested his head on his shoulder. “I wasn’t kind to him. And a part of me still doesn’t want to apologize because he defied your orders. Who knows what would’ve happened if he listened and evacuated at the same time we all did.”

“You know I’m not one for ‘what-ifs,’” Regis started to say, rolling his eyes at Kaidan’s snort. “But there have been a few times when I’ve wondered how Alchera could’ve gone differently.” He sighed. “I remember dying. I remember what I said to you. And that is what keeps me from thinking I’m not really me sometimes. How do you manufacture that? I can’t even look out the skylight in my fucking cabin.”

“They put a skylight in the cabin of someone who died in space? Regis, I–shit, I was going to ask you what you said to me on that final call when I ambushed you, but I didn’t think you would’ve remembered.”

“I did,” he whispered, closing his eyes. “I’ve never liked space, but now… I would be happy being grounded forever.”

Maybe that’s what he’ll do. Refuse any ship posting after this. He’s done. Despite coming back from his greatest nightmare, his worst fears… he finds space to be even more of a prison than it was back when he was a kid wanting to have the freedom to choose.

The SR-1 almost made him appreciate space, having a good crew with him. Not anymore.

Kaidan raised up to kiss his neck. “I wouldn’t mind retiring to Rio, helping you teach N recruits. Or stay in Vancouver near HQ.” He sighed. “I can’t decide if I’m angry at her for violating you and your rights or happy that I have another chance with you.”

The sound of a door opening caused both of them to raise up. They shared a look, and a smile, and walked out of the bedroom.

Zaeed was standing in the living area, Regis’s bag slung over his shoulder along with his own bag, carrying a few drinks in a carrier. He sat the drinks down on the coffee table. Kaidan walked ahead of him, moving to wrap Zaeed in a hug. “God, I’ve missed you so much,” he breathed out, Zaeed stumbling back from the force of the hug. Regis lingered back, watching the scene with amusement.

And a bit of longing.

“I missed you, too, Kaid. Wish we all had more time,” Zaeed replied, kissing his forehead. “I see you kept the beard.”

Oh, so it was Zaeed who brought that on? He always seemed to like it on Regis, enjoying the scrapes and burns.

Kaidan chuckled. “It has grown on me, some. Regis, get over here.”

Regis smiled and joined their embrace, Zaeed’s mis-matched eyes widening a fraction as they all clung to each other in the apartment. After a moment, they pulled apart, sitting on the couch, ensuring Zaeed was sitting between them.

“Nice pic you sent me. You two clean up fast,” Zaeed laughed, motioning over to the drink. “Got you some smoothies. High calorie with plenty of fuel.”

Regis kissed his cheek as he reached for one. “So damn thoughtful.” Zaeed rolled his eyes in response.

Kaidan took a sip of his smoothie. “Well, I really don’t have much time. Got a message from Hackett while in the shower that I need to get back to my posting as soon as possible.”

“Shit,” Zaeed sighed. “Was afraid of that. Can you say where you are posted?”

Damn, Regis didn’t even think to ask, overwhelmed with the presence of Kaidan being here with him again.

“Horizon out in the Iera System. Unofficially investigating the disappearance of colonists, but officially creating more defense systems,” Kaidan replied.

“So the Alliance is investigating,” Regis muttered. “Of fucking course. Another thing Anderson stonewalled me on.”

“He stonewalled you on anything that was considered top secret,” Kaidan replied. “Not surprised that he did, but I’m not happy about it either. Could’ve really fucked things up if you didn’t reach out and all I saw was Cerberus. Have too many blinders on when it comes to them.”

After all they saw on the Saren mission and after hearing about Kaidan’s mission taking down that horrific ‘VI’ project, Regis would not have blamed him for any reaction to seeing him fly in on a Cerberus ship.

At least they gave him the option to wear his N7 styled gear. Or else he would’ve taken a spray paint can to all their atrocious logos.

“And you should,” Zaeed said. “I’m no happier than Regis, but at least we’re drawing resources and doing a bit of good here and there.” He took a long drink from his smoothie. “But it sounds like everything’s okay between you.”

“Thanks to you,” Regis said, pressing into his side. “I was too much of a damn coward to reach out on my own.”

“Worried about what they’ll do?” Kaidan asked, shaking his head. “I don’t blame you for wanting to protect me, but I can handle myself, you know. I can Reave now.”

“No shit,” Regis laughed. “You need to teach me.”

Kaidan rubbed the back of his head, looking sheepish. “Well… it’s hard to explain, but Vik taught me like it was a barrier in reverse. Does that make sense?” He showed off his mnemonic, twisting his fingers into a barrier, but aborting the motion right before the critical cast, pulling his fingers tightly into a fist instead of stretching outwardly. A spark appeared before vanishing, Kaidan controlling the cast and preventing it from going anywhere.

Turning a barrier inward to instead project the outer damage field inward, leaving the protection part outwardly controlled by the biotic. Redirecting the field to protect the caster as they interrupted the inner fields within an organic, disrupting them one by one like a Warp but without the pinpoint accuracy.

At least, that what he thinks the theory is, the little he knows about it.

Regis smirked, committing the mnemonic to memory. “More than you think. I’ll talk to Vik later about it.”

“You should’ve seen them teaching Kaidan. I’ve worked with lots of biotics, but you two still shine the brightest out of all of them. You make some asari look like children,” Zaeed commented, a gleam in his eye. “Never seen anything like it until I met you.”

“And you’ll only see it from us,” Kaidan said, throwing an arm around Zaeed. Regis did the same, meeting his smirk with his own. “Listen, it’s about damn time we’ve said this after all this dancing around. We want you, Zaeed. All three of us, together. That hasn’t changed.”

“Wanted to make sure,” Zaeed admitted, his face turning a light shade of red with all the attention on him. “Seeing you two in that picture reminded me of what you both have.”

“And there has always been room for you,” Regis affirmed. “I want you to be with me on that ship and beyond. I want you by my side, reading my biotics and responding in kind. This has never been a one time thing, and I want to be with you in every definition of the word.”

Kaidan chuckled. “What he said. Zaeed, I told you this back on my parents property, and I’ll say it again. You helped me heal and feel human again. And all those fleeting moments we met in between my training and your work kept me going through the worst of my N missions.”

“I wish we had more goddamn time. Fuck, I love the both of you,” he said, his face breaking out into a grin, his eyes gleaming. Regis and Kaidan shared a look, and Regis made a motion with his head, urging Kaidan to take the first move.

Regis can have Zaeed at any time on board the SR-2. He wanted them to have this chance to reunite the same way he did with Kaidan.

Regis finished off his drink, wrapping his arms around Zaeed’s back as Kaidan leaned in to claim Zaeed’s mouth. Zaeed made a pleased sound, and Regis enjoyed the show as he brushed a kiss against the back of his neck.

Kaidan was the more hesitant one when they first all got together. Regis was happy to see how much that had changed, their bond strengthened in Regis’s absence.

Zaeed sighed as Regis kissed behind his ear, as he and Kaidan continued to kiss, relearning each other the same way he and Regis did moments ago, never advancing further beyond this. Enjoying what they have now and yearning for more later.

Whenever that may be as both of their duties hang above them. At least Kaidan and to an extent Zaeed has the freedom.

Regis still wasn’t so sure he had any as long as he had this mission to complete.

Kaidan’s omnitool pinged, and he broke away from Zaeed with a sigh, Zaeed chasing his lips before settling back on the couch. “Damn. Duty calls.”

“Before you go,” Regis said, moving to grab his bag. He pulled out a small case and took out a preloaded syringe. “This is our antidote to dealing with the Collectors, formulated by our resident salarian scientist. They are behind the disappearances, and this will prevent you from being impacted by Seeker swarms. Biotics are also great for fending them off.”

Kaidan nodded. “That’s what we’ve theorized too. We also got some of the footage from Freedom’s Progress, but there’s not much we can do about it without support from the Council. Suppose that’s what you’re doing, taking down the Collectors.”

“That’s the plan,” Zaeed said with a nod. “A damn near suicide mission, but you’re used to those now.”

“Afraid I am,” Kaidan sighed, not looking too pleased. “Where do you need to inject it?”

“It can go through clothing like epinephrine pens,” Regis said. “Your thigh is fine.”

Regis prepared the injection, and at Kaidan's signal, he injected the antidote into his thigh, Kaidan barely making a face as he pulled away the device and tossed it back in its container to be disposed of.

"May want to stay seated for a bit. Made me lightheaded when I took it," Zaeed said as Kaidan relaxed on the couch, keeping his leg loose.

"Thanks, love," he replied, turning to kiss him on the cheek. He opened his omnitool and typed out a quick message, a pained expression on his face.

"You really don't have any more time," Regis observed, trying to keep his expression neutral.

"No, I don't," Kaidan said quietly, shaking his head. "What I really wanted was a whole day, but I barely got a few hours. I should’ve told you before that it wouldn’t be much."

A whole day. They could've caught up on so much, crying and laughing. Zaeed would have joined them, telling stories new and old, smiling and gasping out each other's names as they turned to the bedroom, rediscovering the love they had for each other yet never acted upon.

Instead, they barely get a chance to talk, to love and to be with each other. Not even time for barely a cuddle, knowing they would all be too reluctant to let go.

"It was enough, for now," Regis said, reaching over to take both Zaeed's and Kaidan's hands in his, squeezing them tightly. “We have our server, and I’ll try to give you advance notice before we go through that relay.”

“And I’ll make sure that I get leave for that,” Kaidan promised. “I want to have enough time to be with both of you.”

Something to look forward to, despite the severity of the mission looming over them.

“We’ll try not to be strangers,” Zaeed said, giving the both of them a heated look. “Never thought I’d get this chance again, and I’m sure as hell not about to waste it.”

“Took the words right out of my mouth, Zaeed,” Regis chuckled and looked at Kaidan. “This isn’t going to be a goodbye. It’s a ‘see you later.’”

“I know,” he said. “Trust me, I know you both are going to fight like hell to bring us all together again.” He rose up from the couch. Regis and Zaeed joined him for one last embrace.

Kaidan kissed them both softly on the lips, a small peck that yearned for more and a promise that there will be more.

“Want us to walk you to your shuttle?” Zaeed asked, hopeful.

Kaidan shook his head, a sad smile gracing his face. “I’m sorry. Too risky.”

He was right. If word got out that he was seen with Regis and by extension, Cerberus, it could ruin everything.

“Be safe out there, then,” Regis said, standing beside Zaeed, holding his hand. A lifeline so he wouldn’t chase after him, no matter how much he wants him to stay.

“Be safe, baby,” Zaeed echoed, the endearment a surprising one.

“Same to you. I love you both.” One last lingering look, and Kaidan walked out of the apartment, a bag slung over his shoulder, and a hand stuffed in his pocket.

The sound of the door shutting was like a gunshot, a finality signifying the end of their reunion.

Regis collapsed back down on the couch, putting a hand over his mouth. He suddenly stood back up before Zaeed joined him, going back in the bedroom to collect his coat and his gun, placing it back inside the hidden pocket.

He reached for his pack of Astras but they were nowhere to be found. Instead, he pulled out a handwritten note.

I know you have more of these, but I’m taking this for now. Rely on Zaeed. Don’t rely on them.

I won’t waste them, however. I’ll smoke them in our honor. Maybe send you some pics of me out in that beautiful Horizon night sky, in case I didn’t tell you where I was posted. Too much to talk about… so little time. Remember the last time we shared them, sharing the smoke as we enjoyed that night before Illos, that little hit of red sand adding something new? Connect them to those memories, and not as a damn crutch. You’ve never gone further than those, but that doesn’t mean I won’t worry. I know Zaeed will look out for you, but you’ve always been good at evading.

I love you, and stay safe and healthy for not only me, but also Zaeed and yourself.

Zaeed had followed him to the bedroom. “Everything okay, Regis?” He asked.

“Kaidan being Kaidan and always looking out for me,” he said, folding the note back in his pocket. “Took my damn cigarettes.”

“Sneaky. Didn’t think he smoked much. Or at all to want to use those.”

“Only when I do it,” Regis explained. “It’s… complicated.”

“BAaT made everything complicated for the both of you, didn’t it,” Zaeed commented, crossing his arms against his chest.

Regis raised his eyebrows in surprise. “He… told you about it?”

“Everything,” Zaeed said with a nod. “We talked a lot after I met the family.”

Kaidan telling Zaeed all on his own about BAaT, not letting it die with him? It showed how much he trusted and loved him to do such a thing. Sure, they told Wrex and let Ashley in on it, but not the full story. Both times they omitted what ended the program.

Regis sat down on the edge of the messed-up bed, making a note to clean up the apartment before locking it back up. “I’m glad he told you. It’s not easy for us to talk about.”

“That’s one hell of an understatement,” Zaeed said, shaking his head. “I wondered if he only told me because he was at home while doing it.”

Regis made a thoughtful expression. “Partly. He’s always had a good support system in his parents. Damn near became mine in some aspects. Did they adopt you?”

“Instantly,” Zaeed laughed. “His mother is full of energy, and his father takes no bullshit. Was good talking to both of them, even if it was a bit intense. Adrian was the same way. I have no idea where he gets all his energy from.”

“I ask myself that too, since supposedly Atlas was as mellow as I am,” Regis said, leaning against Zaeed as he sat down next to him. “You know, I’ve been meaning to ask. Did you and Vik know each other beyond just in passing?”

Zaeed pointed at his eye and his scar. “Guess who healed me up.”

Small fucking galaxy indeed. “Surprised I didn’t recognize their work,” Regis said, reaching up to trace the long-healed scar with a light hand. Zaeed stilled his hand, placing his on top of Regis’s, covering most of the scarring he found so handsome.

“You were curious about my history with Hackett? Part of why I trust the bastard so much is that he followed me to Omega when I was having a meeting with Vido, citing a bad feeling. Should’ve listened to him. He was always perceptive." He sighed, a faraway look in his eyes appearing. "When Vido shot me in the face after I disagreed with the Suns' plan to get involved with the Batarian slave trade, he was there to bring me to the nearest clinic. I was barely clinging to life, and Vik came in like a damn angel, barking orders and getting me on the table. Hackett watched over me, running up all his leave, until he knew I was able to take care of myself."

Zaeed let go of his hand, but Regis still cupped his face. He closed his eyes. "Vik said that I owed them nothing, and since then, they were the first place I would stop if I needed a tune up. They've offered to correct the scarring and my eye color, but it's a reminder. A reminder that I fucking survived and will get my revenge."

Sounded like Vik, always willing to help anyone that stumbled into their clinic. Regis wanted to know more about his past with Hackett. If he had to guess, there was something more between them at some point, a devotion that likely broke apart due to their differing paths.

At least they were still friends, despite it all. And now he had a new story to grill Vik about.

Regis pulled him in close, tracing the scar once more before peppering it with kisses. "And you will. I'll make sure of it."

"Never doubted you for a goddamn moment. Heard you're doing something for Kasumi after we deal with the convict," he replied, brushing against his lips. "You have quite the heart.”

Regis returned his teasing kiss, humming in response. “Only for those I like.”

“Then I consider myself very special and lucky to be part of that,” he whispered, breaking apart from the kiss. “Never been a good man, Regis, but you and Kaidan make me feel like one.”

“I’m not a good man either,” Regis said, whispering into his ear. “But in his eyes, we’re enough as we are.”

Zaeed pressed his forehead against his. “I suppose that’s all that matters.”

In time, they’ll break apart, and Regis will start to clean up the apartment, getting it ready for whoever else needs it in their family. They will turn back to the mission, turn back to Regis’s plan to get information out of Aria. They will fall back into their outward roles, a ruthless commander and a legendary, vicious merc, fighting under a flag they want to burn to the fucking ground.

But here and now? Regis was going to clear the air. Once and for all.

“After this, after we’re done here and back on that ship…” Regis trailed off, meeting his gaze. “We’re going to talk and negotiate and I want us to try again.”

“I don’t want you to rush into anything,” he said softly.

“I’m not. It's about reclaiming myself and my body and who I am. And I want you to relearn me and all that's changed after what they did."

Zaeed nodded, holding his gaze. “I get it. Hell, after what Vido did it took time for me to get back to ‘normal.’ I understand how it feels to be a goddamn stranger in your body. We’ll talk, and we’ll figure things out. Make sure we’re on the same page.”

“But don’t get me wrong, I love what we have now. Shit, it’s one of the few good things about this mess,” Regis replied, feeling his face heat up.

“You blush so easily,” he teased. “I’m sure Kaidan caused plenty of that before I got here.”

“More than,” Regis said, closing his eyes, wanting to savor and remember their encounter for as long as he could. “I wanted so much more time.”

“I’m sure we’ll make as much time as possible after this mess,” Zaeed said, sounding hopeful. “Let’s make sure we keep our promise to stay safe.”

“Especially since we’re about to face Aria,” Regis said, bringing them back to the present. “There’s nothing to gain now that I’m back, so do you think she’ll budge?”

If not, he wasn’t worried about breaking her number one rule.

“Likely. We ‘dealt’ with Archangel and a bunch of goddamn idiots, so that has probably worked in her favor. I doubt she’ll keep it a secret to you if you come to her point blank with what you know.” Zaeed said, crossing his arms. "After we clean up, you want to handle it now?"

"Nah, Kaidan and I were the ones that made the mess," Regis said, already moving to start stripping down the bed. “But yes, I want to get answers as soon as possible, that way I can confront Lawson about it later.”

"Take the damn help.”

Regis rolled his eyes but motioned for him to join him.

Felt like domesticity. Something Regis craved. The act of existing and living with his partners, carrying out mundane day-to-day tasks without the presence of their duty hanging over him.

Soon he’ll be able to make choices for himself again. Soon he’ll be out of this mess. Soon the galaxy will be rid of the Collector’s problem.

But being able to see Kaidan again, to form their triad again is victory enough for now.

#mass effect #kaidan alenko #zaeed massani #male shepard #mshenko #cleric's writing #whew this monster is done #probably still rough in areas but that gives it charm ✨

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