#I have SO MANY things going on at once or on the backburner

[birdylion]

Folks with too many hobbies and not enough time, how do you keep track of your hobby projects?

[im-no-jedi]

was gonna post the next chapter of my Infested fic today too (cause uhhhh I keep forgetting about it 😅) but nah, there’s been too much official stuff today, I ain’t gonna clog the tags with that nonsense lolololol

[hotnbloodied]

Yan!Itto X Reader

!Warning! This post contains yandere themes and topics that may be uncomfortable to people who are sensitive to the topic, read at your own discretion.

CW: not proof read, yous/yours used, gn reader, confinement, yandere tendencies, Genshin Impact. (idk, idk)

!!READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!! MINORS DNI!!

(I've had this one in the backburner for a while, not because I like Itto but because I just felt like writing a big dummy. Enjoy!)

You first met the weird oni when you were on your shift at the Yae Publishing House, your job was simple, pettle the sale of books. Which isn’t a problem considering the popularity of the Publishing House. Recently though, due to the rising popularity of the Miss Hina section you and a couple of your peers were assigned to sift through the letters that are addressed to Miss Hina to make sure that the juiciest questions get answered. Your peers and you notice something though, or maybe it was more someone. Multiple letters a day from a ‘Itto the one and oni’ addressed to Miss Hina professing his love to ‘her’. Honestly for the most part it was mundane and nothing that you or your coworkers really thought anything of. But eventually it got cringy and hard to deal with since it felt like there was so much from this individual that needed to be sifted through, making the job harder for everyone. And it wasn’t like you guys could throw away the letters, someone still needed to sift through them.

You went to your boss one day, half to inquire and half to plead with them to get this Itto to stop clogging up the letter intakes. Your boss was surprised, you were typically the type of employee that did their job efficiently and without complaints. But after you showed your boss the stacks of letters from Itto they immediately understood why you would have such a request. The catch, though, was you were tasked with the duty of reaching out to the Oni himself to tell him. You were flabbergasted but your coworkers looked at you with hopeful eyes so you felt like you couldn’t let them down.

Inquiring around, you eventually landed face to face with the imposing figure himself. “I heard you were looking for the one and Oni! Well here I am, what can I do you for?” Your eyes widened, you knew he was going to be a big guy, but you didn’t expect him to be so imposing with rippled abs, why wasn’t he wearing a shirt? You gulped, “I am from the Yae Publishing House, I have come to tell you that even though we appreciate your dedication to Miss Hina that you refrain from sending so many letters at a time, as your amount is starting to overwhelm us– I mean, her.” His face glooms, “I get cha, all those letters ought to be annoying.” You felt slightly guilty, “well, if you ever need life advice, I know I’m no Miss Hina but I’ll do my best to answer any life questions you might have too. It’s the least I can do as someone who works at the Yae Publishing House just like Miss Hina.” Boy, did that open a situation you didn’t expect.

Sure the letters weren’t as frequent now, much to your coworker’s delight. But it started as a once a week thing, when you got off work you noticed the Oni waiting near the publishing house. Turns out he thought it would be cool if the two of you hung out and he would talk about his life and what it’s like running his ‘gang’. You smiled and nodded to the best of your abilities in the beginning but when he upped this routine to basically everyday you start thinking that you might have bit off more than you could chew. What didn’t help on top of that was apparently since he’s hanging out with you more that he’s not causing as much trouble as before, which was a relief to some of the inhabitants on Inazuma but it was wearing you down.

Between work and Itto you didn’t have much time to yourself anymore so one night while you and Itto were sitting at his favorite beach and was he talking your ear off with the accompanying sound of the waves in the background, you cut him off, “Itto I think we should hang out a bit less.” Maybe the words came out a bit harsher than they would have had you been less exhausted but you weren’t in the best state of mind. Itto looks at you incredulously, “what are you saying?” In some sort of lame attempt at damage control you responded, “I like hanging out with you, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I want personal time you know? Between work and you I don’t have any time to myself.” Itto was silent for a couple of beats, which you’ve never experienced before so it was slightly unnerving. But a goofy smile quickly returned to his face, “of course, why didn’t you say so? You’re still down for dinner right?” You looked at him and smiled, though, getting dinner was the last thing that you remembered.

When you jolted awake, hungover from all the sake that Itto was so persistent in you drinking while at dinner. Eventually, you noticed that you were in a cage in some sort of hut. Of course panic surged through your veins, but before you could start screaming out for help, the creaky door slammed open with Itto walking through. “Thank goodness you’re here Itto, I don’t know who put me in this cage, but maybe you can let me out-” “No can do compadre,” he cuts you off, “I can’t have you running off on me, I hope you understand.” You looked at him, eyes widening, “Itto, don’t tell me… you did this to me?” “Bingo, can’t have you slipping through my fingers now can we? I just thought it would make the most sense if I just took care of you from now on, pretty smart right?” You were flabbergasted, “No, it’s not! What happened to Ms. Hina, what actually makes you think this is a good idea?!” “Oh darling, no need to be grumpy. I’ll go and get us breakfast alright? That’ll cheer you right up!” “No! Wai–” The door slammed shut again and you were left alone in your prison.

Fear coursed through your veins and the realization finally sets in that you were locked at some undisclosed location, alone, and that there was no way that you would ever be able to overpower the Oni. You banged the ground in frustration as hot tears poured from your eyes. You were going to escape, even if it was the last thing you did, but for now you’ll play this sick game of house.

[genericpuff]

oh boy rachel's telling on herself a little-

so we noticed that her Twitter name recently changed again, now featuring her bluesky social in her username to obviously advertise to people that she has a Blue Sky.

She's had BlueSky for a while, but it obviously doesn't have as massive of a following because 1.) Blue Sky is still a much smaller platform than Twitter (undoubtedly because it still requires invite codes to join), and 2.) it's really, REALLY hard to move the entirety of your fanbase from one platform to another as many followers are bound to be "dead" (i.e. not active on the platform anymore) and others will naturally fall off because they may have followed ages ago but never bothered to keep up or unfollow from a page that was just on their backburner.

But interestingly enough, this change is very recent and when you check her BlueSky, which she would only post to every once in a while, it's now seeming to be a lot more active with multiple posts over the past couple days. So I think it's very clear at this point that she's trying to actively commit to the migration from Twitter to BlueSky.

BUT HOOO BOY. SOME OF HER POSTS Y'ALL. SHE'S PRACTICALLY DOUBLING DOWN LMAO

You've all seen me dissect the SHIT out of Rachel's art process and y'all can verify it yourself through those posts that never once has she shown herself drawing this way. Never in the process reels, or the time lapse videos, or the single sketch posts she's made. So her claiming that she "likes doing this as well" is just flatout false because she doesn't do this. So I literally don't know who she's trying to fool with this (aside from her own fanbase) but she ain't fooling me LMAO

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Rachel Smythe (@usedbandaid)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Rachel Smythe (@usedbandaid)

But that's not even the best thing she's shared, oh no. Because this isn't even the full kit of clown makeup.

Nope, that goes to this repost-

No hate to the person who posted this, I'm sure they're chill and cool, I just think the fact that Rachel of all people reposted this to her BlueSky which she's trying to replace her Twitter with is very telling. We all know this isn't just Rachel sharing something funny for the gag, we know exactly what Rachel likes and portrays in her work that she could see herself in through this post.

And what's even more telling (and hilarious) is that this may as well have been her running away to BlueSky after the "Never apologize for being Sicilian" tweet became the top result when you search "Lore Olympus" on Twitter LMAOOO

I'm not saying that's exactly what's going on here, but the thought of Rachel deciding to fully commit to moving to BlueSky out of sheer embarrassment over this one out-of-context panel from years ago that went viral overnight - and staying at the top of the search result feed because no one's engaging with good faith LO posts anymore - is hilarious, and if it takes this dumbass panel of Hades telling Persephone she should never apologize for being Sicilian to get people talking about how stupid and hilarious LO is, then I say it's about damn time.

[gnomishcunning]

You asked someone to bite the bullet and ask abt Zevlor w a bratty partner and i am here, ate the bullet fucking whole dude. Thoughts and hcs for zev with a bratty reader? 🎤🎤🎤

shoutout to like, the eight of you who showed up in my inbox to ask. please consider this response the consolidated answer.

nsfw below the cut! MDNI

CW FOR: my headcanons bout zevlor's sex life, kink discussion, bdsm, d/s dynamics, sadomasochism, manhandling, breathplay implications, subdrop & domdrop discussion

so i mentioned this in my previous post, but for anybody who didn't witness it - i don't think bdsm is a lifestyle thing for Zevlor. he's been taking care of people his entire life, and while he adores taking care of his partner, he needs to be able to express vulnerability and relax, too.

subsequently, bdsm shenanigans are a special-occasions sex thing, maybe once or twice a month. one of you is going need to broach the subject about a session and from there, requests and preferences for the evening will be laid out, with a safe word agreed upon like, a week beforehand. for the record: he can and will be testing if you remember it

now, onto the good bits

a bratty sub and zevlor's general disposition as a dominant is effectively an unstoppable force meets immovable object hostage scenario, in the hottest and most erotic way possible

let me make this clear: he's never not dotting on you. he's kind and patient. he'll help you through your struggles and work with you to live up to expectations.

but the sweetness you've come to expect from the paladin you've fallen in love with has been put on the backburner. a better word now is mercy, because he will not let you get away with shit.

He's your Commander. it's his job to take responsibility for you and your actions, and he's going to insure you understand the full ramifications of your misbehavior

he tends to meet misbehavior with a funishment to fit the crime.

are you mouthing off? he's going to take away your ability to speak, whether that's through his fingers, his cock, or a gag. are you

ignoring him? he'll put you in a position where it's physically impossible to ignore him, whether it's bondage and shibari, or a blindfold to insure the only things you can focus on are his voice and touch.

denial is a regular tool in his arsenal. you need to behave nicely, or at the very least, submit to the funishments if you want to cum. zevlor's spent decades in tightly-wound control of himself. combine that self-restraint with the way he adores knowing how to please his partner, and he is very capable of bringing you to the very edge of oblivion, only to let it fade off and leave you frustrated.

overstimulation is another tool he utilizes, but in a very specific manner. he isn't the type to immediately increase the speed or strength of his ministrations after you'd cum, it's just...

he's relentless. he lets you cum, brings you down with a few sweet kisses, pets your thighs for a moment, and then... starts up again. he'll ring as many orgasms out of your body as he can manage, and he's not above using magic in the bedroom to make it happen. specifically: lesser restoration (and lay on hands) is among the paladin spell group (at least in 5e). have fun with that.

assuming his partner is a masochist 'corporal punishment', as he affectionately calls it, is on-board for either accidentally disobeying his orders, or playfully, purposefully disobeying. he's kind of the exact opposite of a sadist, but he enjoys the noises you make if you like it, so he's willing to compromise

he usually prefers to put you over his lap for the sake of spanking. he'd introduce a riding crop, after a very long and careful conversation about using said implement.

he'll always have you count. hells help you if you lose it

punishments, like. proper punishments, the type that make you consider the ramifications of your behavior, are only implemented after a very long and careful discussion where you communicate your desire to experience said ramifications.

unfortunately for you, he's creative, and punishments fit the crime. he's undoubtedly had some drill sargent experience, that'll rear it's head here

if you mouth off? be prepared to write lines, a dozen or fifty or a hundred

'I won't whisper filthy things to my Commander in public. I won't whisper filthy things to my Commander in public. I won't whisper filthy things to my Commander in public-'

lazying around when you promised him you'd be busy will be met with playful sparring sessions to "Get your reflexes back on track, love."

usually ending with you pinned to the ground by a hand at your throat (in a good way, you'd usually get fucked there)

if you're just being an obstinate fuck in general?

there's a wooden stool in one corner of your apartment. he can and will put you in time out, forcing you to just... sit there, and think about your thoughts, while he reads on the couch across the room, maybe enjoying a glass of while. look at you! you could've been snuggling with your hot tiefling bf, but no. you acted foolish and now you're in time out. think about what you've done.

regardless of the nature of the session, Zevlor has some staples: his mouth will inevitably find its way onto your body, whether he's teasing you with gentle kisses or bringing you over the edge with his mouth.

he still likes leaving marks behind since you can't tell me he isn't the lightest bit possessive, and it's his primary reason for never bothering with a collar. what could a little band of leather say that the ring of bruises around your neck already doesn't?

ultimately, zevlor's not really a brat-tamer. he's a brat handler. he feels no need to tame you, not when he knows you melt so easily with his attention and his touch.

now, in terms of aftercare...

zevlor's the type of dom to check in constantly, before, during and after - making sure you remember safeword, if what he's doing is okay, if you need a drink of water. this type of behavior occurs more constantly with a bratty partner, since the dynamic can sometimes obscure actual feelings and brats have a tendency to be a threat to their own health.

zevlor can also go from hot commanding officer to loving, doted partner in an instant. they're two different sides of the same coin.

his approach to centering his partner after a session is very sweet and tactile. he'd use soft praises, sweet words, and gentle touches to lure you back into your own body from that weird, floaty, no-thoughts zone of subspace.

if he'd realized it helped, he'd 100% start purring (another tiefling headcanon i'm fond of). it's deep and brassy and incredibly comforting

now, the side-effect of being in charge of legions of soldiers (including fresh and nervous recruits) is that zevlor's very efficient and effective at helping and managing the emotions of others, even if he tends to get swept up in tides of his own.

between that and how intimately he'd know the wants and needs of his partner to even safely enact a d/s dynamic (in his mind), zevlor's pretty damn good at picking up when you'd be heading into subdrop - whether it's mid-session, somewhere in the midst of aftercare, or even the day after.

managing subdrop is basically aftercare+, with the addition of insuring his partner he's a constant, constant presence. he loves and adores you, he's not going anywhere, and there's no reason to be ashamed of your desires, when they're mutually agreed-upon and enjoyed by both.

it's worth noting that zevlor's susceptible to domdrop. everyone is, but him especially - he feels his emotions deeply, especially in regards to taking care of others. he'll safeword if he's feeling overwhelmed or too out-of-control in a situation - his communication skills are too good for him not to, but. afterwards?

be prepared to put the bratty persona aside. be there for him. snuggle, reassure if you can manage words, just do everything you can to communicate how much you love him. making him focus on you, just you, is usually an effective way to interrupt the anxiety-depression-shame spiral

just keep an eye on him day-after, since the moods might linger. make sure to show him some extra affection, and maybe surprise him with something nice.

[johaerys-writes]

OH MY GOD HOW CAN I CHOSE THERE’S SO MANY OPTIONS AND THEY’RE ALL SO GOOD 😭😭😭

let’s see if i can control myself and just ask for three

so MODERN OMEGAVERSE PLEASE I’M BEGGING

PYRRHA MY BELOVED I NEED HER

PLEASURE SLAVE AU!!!!!!!

i really want to ask about all of them but let’s save some for the people 🫣💕

Aaaahhh okay let's have a look!!!

Modern omegaverse: I've talked about this here before I think, but it's basically modern AU college omegaverse, featuring alpha Patroclus and very messy and jealous omega Achilles. They're friends but their relationship has been a little rocky since going away to college (Patroclus is a little older so he went away first, and he has all those cool and hot friends now and that makes Achilles crrraazyyyy, so crazy in fact that he accidentally goes into heat LMAO) It's very messy and they both make really bad decisions, the writing is also a mess because I started it a couple years ago, changed my mind about a couple plot things, then I got stuck so I actually left it on the backburner but I really want to get back to it!! Here is a little snippet from the beginning:

“Got any plans for the weekend?” “Not much,” Achilles says. Odysseus and Diomedes have asked him to go out with them for drinks, but Achilles is secretly hoping that Patroclus will ask him to do something together. If he does, he’ll ditch Odysseus and Diomedes in a heartbeat. “What about you?” Patroclus flashes him a grin, a little mischievous. “I’m hoping for a date with a really cute guy.” “Oh,” Achilles breathes, but it feels like a gut punch. Fuck, he’s always known this moment would come, and he’s always dreaded it. Patroclus is gorgeous, and Achilles isn’t just saying that because he’s had a crush on him ever since he can remember himself. Patroclus is smart and funny and caring, and so easy to be around. It was only a matter of time before he would find someone else, and ditch Achilles for good.  That doesn’t stop his fists from clenching, simply at the thought of whoever it is that caught Patroclus’ attention.  “Cool,” he says, trying to give him a smile that definitely comes out more tense and tight than he meant. “Awesome. That’s great, Patroclus. Anyone I know?” Patroclus stares at him in confusion for a moment, before he blushes and blurts out, “You! I meant you. Sorry, I was just trying to be funny— I thought— I asked you last week if you’d be free to hang out…?” “Oh! Right, sorry, I forgot.” The surge of relief rushing through Achilles leaves him dizzy. It’s a little embarrassing that he jumped to conclusions so quickly, but honestly, it’s not that hard to do when Patroclus has so many friends and acquaintances now, vying for his attention. “Of course, we’ll hang out together, of course. What do you want to do?”

2. Pyrrha worship: I got an anon ask a while ago with a request for a smutty one shot with disasters patchilles when they're older, and I sat on it for a long while because I couldn't really come up with anything exciting, but then I was listening to Miss June '75 by The Brian Jonestown Massacre the other day and my mind instantly went, Pyrrha??? Ahaha, so basically it's a smutty one shot where Achilles dresses up all fancy in his favourite red dress and his stockings and heels and everything, and after they come back home Patroclus just has to worship the fuck out of his wife <3 I don't have much to share yet but I'm hoping to get to it once I post the next BBB chapter!

3. Pleasure slave AU: boy oh boy do I have a lot to say about this one haha. I've been teasing about this AU for a while now and I'm not at all close to sharing any writing for it, mostly because it's a bunch of notes and plot points and random bits of conversation in the doc BUT essentially the idea behind it is that Patroclus didn't grow up in Phthia with Achilles, but instead was sent to Lyrnessus and grew up with Briseis, so when the Achaeans attack the city, Patroclus is given to Achilles as a pleasure slave instead of Briseis. It's quite horny and very angsty and I swear I will get to it eventually after I finish one of the million works I have in progress right now lol!!!!

[shirecorn]

waiting on a mermay order?

Here's how it's going

Fish:

hell yeah I love fish. Most of you who ordered a fish have received it via ko-fi message. If I haven't done your fish yet, I'm working on it. These are easy and it's simply a matter of sitting down and doing it. I usually only sketch once and take the first thing I draw straight to finish.

The glass fish is on the backburner because i have to finish designing mermaid internal organs before I start.

Sharks:

These ones take slightly longer because I have to test out a couple different tricks to make the face look right. They've all been sketched at least. Also they are not ray-finned fish, and thus their mermaid counterpart is an imitation of their physiology rather than an offshoot from it.

Mollusks (octopus, squid, cuttlefish, nudibranchs, clams):

I had to design a new humanoid from the ground up, since these are not vertebrates and therefore can't be mermaids, as mermaids are evolved from fish. I did a couple hours of visdev the last few weeks, and have finally figured out a body plan I like. Since I know what the gimmick is, I can start on the individual species ordered and draw from sketch to finish just like the mermaids.

Arthropods (all the people who wanted crabs and shrimps):

Yet another creature I have to build from the ground up. I need to do a lot of visdev to get to a point where I can start. Every time there is a new phylum introduced, I start from scratch.

Seals:

Just a matter of starting! These will be selkies. I need to draw both a human form and a seal form, so it's double the work. I tend to prefer fish for that reason.

If you would like to see works in progress, my visual development process, realtime worldbuilding, and see fresh mermaids as soon as they are done, check out my discord!

[heelycular-manslaughter]

I've been working on a ttrpg inspired by Hades and Kill 6 Billion Demons, modifying my Lumen game, Luminous Vein. It's definitely still early in the process, and I have so many projects that this one is a bit on the backburner, in part because I hate figuring out random generation and it'd feel more right to have a more official vibe to it with art & stuff. Anyway I do however think some of it is cool as hell so I put out a poll asking people what they'd like to hear about; you guys chose my problematic trans rep, who I dont have much to say about that I didn't already put in its description, so I'll just put it in full:

Hollow, Goddess of Rot

It/its, she/her, they/them

Feared among mortals to its elation, Hollow is a heavy shadow of positivity in the pantheon of gods. It loves trying to find new ways to disgust and horrify mortals, sometimes going so far as to create minor planes to trap them in and play with them. It, however, is not a real threat to anyone; her domain only ever affects those that have already died.

While plenty of wildlife loves her, human cults are rare to form, but those that do are often social outcasts, finding beauty in not just the way rot provides new life, but to death on its own merit.

Hollow is the shambling corpse of the first dead god, born in the abyss that could not be filled by anyone else. Its skin is grey and thin, tearing at the joints; its eyes have long been forgotten by physical existence; its form is too old and rotted to make out what the dead god once looked like. There's a gaping hole in the center of her neck, leaving its voice whispy, almost pained. They have a series of spindly, metal legs modeled by Eralth, the God of Craft, to support their slowly withering divine legs. Smaller beings of rot reside in the fungi and holes growing around their flesh. Hollow is extremely proud of the body they claimed, and, even as the gods respond to her presence with discomforted silence at best, they will all admit that she shows more joy than the first dead god ever did, or most other gods in the pantheon, for that matter.

Hollow loves dead things and is, therefore, happy to help runners escape hell so they can fulfill their full potential as dead things. She only shows confusion when asked for clarification.

Core Mechanic: Rot

When enemies inflicted with rot die, their bodies will remain to fight alongside you, becoming undead. Undead have the same actions made on the GM turn, but directed at enemies, and their health is based on how much rot you inflicted on them.

Boons of Hollow:

Rotting Wounds: Your weapon attacks inflict 1 rot

Trail of Death: Inflict 3 rot when you move away from an enemy

Decay: When you kill an enemy with an attack requiring 2 actions, they are given 1 rot

Spores: Your cast inflicts 2 rot to all enemies in Close range of the target.

Contagion: All undead attacks inflict 1 rot.

Self-Actualization: You can choose to target actions or casts on yourself, dealing harm but giving you any included rot effects as well.

Angry Dead: All undead deal +1 harm

Slough: Living targets inflicted with rot will take +1 harm.

Probably should've guessed the website with all the freak transgenders would vote for the freak transgender, now everything after her is gonna be a letdown. This is my best girl and also literally me so if anyone is mean to her I'll kill yo u

I'm not entirely sure how many possible boons I want the gods to have, Hades has a massive swathe of them but it turns out that can be kinda hard. I might add more mechanics to the core combat system to play with, the big issue I'll have to deal with is the randomness and the fact that the upgrades aren't weapon specific

Congrats! You read this far! or scrolled down and clicked words! You are now granted voting rights on what I should bring up next. if you want

[eywamygoddesswrites]

— 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓹𝓮𝓻 — (neteyam x fem!reader)

pairing: neteyam x fem!omatikaya!reader

tags: some fluff, mostly angst, long time pinning for one another

warnings: lowercase intended, crying, losing parents, character death

a/n: characters are aged up. this is my first fic and i hope you guys enjoy it!

word count: 3.8k

+ gif not mine. ctto.

neteyam had always had a bright mind. of course, it came with him as he is the golden child of the family. also being the next olo'eyktan of omatikaya. neteyam was everything a parent could wish for and more. a good bow user and nurturing like his mother, strong-willed and ready to lead the people like his father, a good brother, and figure to lo'ak, kiri, spider, and tuk, and to the rest a good na'vi who was ready to fight for his people.

a bright mind like his comes with many quirks or trinkets if one believes. such as having to come up with new ways of weaving with tuk (a little hang-out trope of the two) or a new spot that he, lo'ak, and kiri found during one of their walks. although there was one spot he decided to keep for himself.

a spot just beyond the fourth stream, under the falls where a small but spacious cave can be located if stumbled upon by accident, when the sunset hits just right, a small rainbow can be seen. 'why is this spot a secret to begin with?' that's where neteyam and his little na'vi friend meet up of course! the sweet and kind na'vi friend that he loves to be with and can always be himself. away from his duties, away from his parents, away from everyone. just a little place where he can be himself.

as he grew up, a boy slowly became a man. his features became sharper, grew taller, and learned and understood so many curiosities that his little mind couldn't comprehend back then. he became busier as his duties of being the next olo'eyktan came closer. his time with his siblings lessen as his lessons and practice took most of his time. but one thing that always stayed the same was his meet-up with y/n. 

neteyam saw her grow up into a fine woman herself. despite such changes, he never saw her as anything less. in fact, he grew to like y/n more as the years flew by. that once small crush that he had on her at 7 turned into love as he nears his 18th birthday. like a seed planted and with enough care, water, and sunshine, it grew into a beautiful flower with the sweetest scent na'vi kind could think of.

as their laughter died down after neteyam had told a story about lo'ak falling off a branch after seeing a cute na'vi pass by. after a few seconds of silence, neteyam decided to ask a question he's been pushing back in the backburner of his mind.

"hey y/n, i've been meaning to ask you this for a long time," neteyam starts, causing the na'vi to blush slightly and her mind to race with whatever the young man was going to say. "shoot!" y/n says, waiting for his question. "i never really see you around back home. it's always here or somewhere besides home," his tail waves in small, flowy waves as curiosity peaks him.

y/n was silent for a moment, only for a moment before she answered his question. "well... i'm somewhere else with my parents for one." curious. that's what neteyam felt. "why?" a simple, innocent question to a lot. "we just do." y/n sent him a smile before standing up and dusting away the dirt that had stuck to her legs.

"c'mon now you blue baby. it's time to go home!" she held out her hand to him and he gladly accepted it. they left their hideout and began walking home. somehow, his curiosity about her never left. it never really did since then but neteyam just needs to know more.

"how about i bring you to your home tonight? i've never really been there since "he exclaimed happily with a hint of excitement. after almost 11 years of friendship, he never really got to see her home nor had y/n had saw his. maybe this time, he might be able to meet the people that created such beauty of a na'vi. after all, he must get to know his future in-laws one way or another.

this sudden question got y/n sweating a bit. she began spewing some excuses just to keep neteyam from visiting her home because there was no home, to begin with. neteyam tried to coax her by doing 'puppy eyes' or whatever his dad says, saying 'please' a lot more, holding her hand, and pulling her close to him.

"maybe next time?? the house is not clean at the moment and mom might've not started cooking," she says, covering her lie with a disappointed tone. neteyam sighs in defeat, falling for her lie yet again. "next time, i promise you. i'm really sorry, nete." she brings his hands close to her and nuzzles them, causing neteyam's heart to go weak.

he lets out a soft chuckle and pulls her into a hug. "okay, fine, next time. but you better keep that promise, okay?" he holds up his pinky finger (the 4th finger) as a sign of sealing the deal. y/n wraps her pinky on his and gives a small nod. once they reached the point where they usually disperse, they both let go of each other's hands before waving goodbye to one another.

when neteyam came back home, he was greeted by jake at the front of their home. "you're late." jake says as his lips pursed into a thin line. neteyam lets out a soft 'sorry, sir.' before going past his dad, only to be pulled back before he can go into their home.

"where were you tonight? you've been coming home later and later as the eclipse passes." jake asks sternly with a hint of concern in his voice. of course, being the father he is, despite his firstborn coming close to adulthood, he can't help but still see him as the baby he used to hold. "your mother and I are just worried. we just wanna know where you were."

neteyam answered with a short reply saying 'with a friend' and proceeded to go past his dad before jake could ask him more questions. jake lets out a heavy sigh before following behind his firstborn. neteyam, once again, skipped dinner and went straight to bed. neytiri's gaze followed her son's back before looking to her mate, concern lacing in her eyes.

jake could only sigh before sitting down next to neytiri, an arm wrapping around her shoulders as she lay on his chest.

when they were attacked once again by the sky people, jake had to move fast. he needed to keep his family safe alongside the omatikaya people. but to do both, he must leave his toruk makto title behind and bring his family elsewhere. anywhere as long as they were alive.

neteyam on the other hand immediately went to his and y/n's spot. she may have taken shelter there while her parents were out fighting alongside his.

once he was there, he saw her crumpled into a ball, making herself as small as possible. when he came closer, y/n looked up with tears streaming down her face. "nete..." she says softly before throwing herself at him and breaking down into tears. "they're gone! nete, my parents-" he listened to her cries as he ran his fingers down her hair. soft 'shh's' left his mouth as he softly rocked her in his arms. despite the tears that covered her face, she looked beautiful to him.

when her cries subsided, they were in a comfortable silence once again, just in each others' arms as if when they let go of each other, the world would end.

neteyam will eventually have to tell her soon. he will leave with his family soon. he wanted to bring her with them but they weren't mated nor does his family even know her existence. how is he supposed to bring her with them?

"nete, don't leave me. please..." y/n says softly, so soft that if he didn't have his attention on her, the words would've left with the wind. he couldn't answer her. not when he was going to leave for eywa knows when. neteyam just pulls her closer to him, so close that their breaths could touch each other's skin.

hours passed by the two. just before the eclipse fell before them, they began walking to their homes. 'it's now or never.' neteyam says to himself before holding y/n's hand. "y/n, i need to tell you this." his voice was laced with sadness but also nervousness. "i have to leave soon. dad said that it's the only way to keep the omatikaya safe. to keep YOU safe."

y/n held back her sob. she understood why he had to. it was inevitable, especially after the disaster that happened. she just nodded, slowly pulling away from neteyam's grasp. his heart broke from this act alone. just like that? "please, i want to bring you with me. i want you by my side wherever i am. i want you to come with me." he tried grabbing her hands once again but she moved away.

"please… y/n, don't do this." neteyam pleaded, eyes slowly fogging with tears threatening to fall. he couldn't. he didn't want to leave y/n here while he has to go someplace else. “neteyam, don’t make this harder than it’s supposed to be. save yourselves.” y/n says before walking ahead. neteyam was left standing on his own, thoughts ran through his head but one thing that is apparent is he was never going to see her again.

when he leaves, y/n might find her mate and move on. he doesn’t know when he can come back to the forest, or if he will ever return, to begin with. people eventually move on. despite the pains it brings, people will move on and forget.

neteyam walked back home, readying himself for when he and his family will leave their current home, one where he grew up and one where he finds his worth in.

upon arriving at the border of the reef, the metkayina people took notice of their differences. how lo’ak and kiri had 5 fingers, how they had demon blood, how they looked different with their blue skin, and their thin tails.

after being accepted and told that they have to learn how to become one of the metkayina, days bled into months. from spearing a fish for dinner to holding their breaths for a long period underwater, to learning how to weave to have a bond with an ilu. although everything was hard to learn, it was something new and to achieve something despite being a different kind of na'vi, was amazing to see.

despite the hardships the sully’s went through, they persevered. although, for neteyam, something was missing. of course, there was. y/n was nowhere in sight and despite how long it has been since he had seen her, he was scared for her. neteyam missed her so much, it hurts. he didn’t know if she was okay, if she was eating well, or had been sleeping well.

maybe she had met his grandmother and mo’at had seen her potential as the next tsahik. maybe, if eywa has given them a chance. he could have her as his tsahik.

during his walk along the shore, he spots a na’vi by the rocks. it wasn’t his business in any way, but this na’vi had the same shade as he was and not like the teal color of the metkayina. he goes closer and a familiar figure starts to form.

“...y/n?” he asks, loud enough for the figure to hear. they turned around and funnily enough, it was y/n! neteyam immediately took her in his arms, their peals of laughter mixing in together as y/n nuzzles against his chest. neteyam pulls back and moves back her hair that covered her face and cups her cheeks. “what are you doing here? how did you get here?” he asks as he studies her features. eywa, she may as well be eywa’s daughter reincarnated.

y/n’s looks at neteyam, seeing his confusion but happiness in his eyes. “i couldn’t just stay back home. i needed to know if you were okay.” she cups his face and rubs her thumbs across his cheeks.

neteyam could just smile as he takes in her being. y/n was here. he was with her now. she could finally meet his family. she has to meet them. he begins to guide her back to the mauri the sully’s were occupying in when y/n stops. “i- where are we going?” she asks, her eyebrows furrowing slightly.

“i’ve been wanting to introduce you to my family. i’ve told them about you but lo’ak doesn’t want to believe me. he said ‘i never saw her so she’s not real’ but i keep telling them you are! i’ve even shown them the gifts you’ve given me.” he says happily, not noticing that y/n started to pull back away from his grasp. it’s not like she didn’t want to meet the sully’s. she would love to, she thinks they're great na'vi's, but it's just complicated.

neteyam noticed that she shook her head slightly as if disagreeing on seeing his family. "i would love to, nete, but i'm tired and i still need to find a place-" "i will take care of you, okay? i can get you food in the mauri and you can stay with me." neteyam reassures y/n but she just shook her head no.

"i appreciate it, neteyam, but i wouldn't want to intrude on your family so suddenly." he lets go of her hand and his lips pursed into a thin line. he just nods his head to finish the conversation and not make them feel more awkward than it was.

"can i at least go and help you find a place to stay?" neteyam offers, wanting to spend more time with his crush. y/n shook her head once more before giving him a hug once more. he returns her hug, inhaling her scent before they let go of each other.

"we can meet up again tomorrow, okay? we can explore new places together. just the two of us." she offers him a smile, which he gladly returns before she walks away.

ao'nung in the distance saw what just happened with the omatikaya and snickered. "just when i thought he's not as bad, he's just so fucking weird. a whole skxawng." he mumbles to himself before walking away, going to tell tsireya what he had just witnessed.

after that day, neteyam and y/n hung out more and more. they had found a place where they would meet up, just like back home. their real home.

they told stories of what they did during the months of being apart from one another. how neteyam and lo'ak defended kiri when ao'nung called kiri a freak, to his learning and the fun he had while learning on becoming one of the metkayina.

y/n on the other hand, told him what had happened back at home, how mo'at still taught some na'vi on learning to become a tsahik, how the people are doing well, and how his friends missed him. she had given him a bracelet that she had made back at the forest before leaving to go find him.

wrapping the bracelet on neteyam's wrist, his eyes wandered to y/n, memorizing everything about her. it was as if she's just so out of this world.

"what're you staring at?? do i have something on my face?" she moved her hand up to her face, causing neteyam to shake his head as soft chuckles left his mouth. "i was just wondering how eywa was able to create such a beauty like you." he wiggles his shoulders as he howls softly, causing y/n to laugh loudly.

"shut your mouth you skxawng!" she pushes him before standing up and running off. neteyam followed behind, laughing as well.

when neteyam came back home when the eclipse came, lo'ak and kiri were waiting for him by the entrance of the mauri. neteyam waved at them but they just returned his greeting with a small nod.

"is there a problem? did ao'nung bother you guys again?" neteyam asked the two as the three entered the mauri together. "not exactly…" kiri says, rubbing her arm as she nudges lo'ak to speak.

"well, we heard from tsireya, who heard from ao'nung, that you've been busy these past few days." lo'ak starts, "it's not that we didn't mind since it's your life, but they're just concerned and it's beginning to make us concerned too."

neteyam stops his actions before turning to the two. "just get to the point, lo'ak." he says lowly. he just wants to rest and have the night pass so he can hang out with y/n again.

"what he's saying is ao'nung saw you talking to someone," kiri says, her ears perking. "but there was no one in front of you."

the three fell silent before neteyam lets out a scoff. "maybe he didn't see y/n. she's a head shorter than me." he says before retreating away from the two. ao'nung is testing his patience once again letting it slide. the metkayina doesn't know her nor his life to begin with so who was he to judge?

kiri and lo'ak stared at each other, eyebrows furrowed at their brother's reaction. "who's gonna tell him eventually?" lo'ak asked. "he has to know it himself." kiri said with a sigh before going to bed, the younger of the two following behind.

the day was gloomy. the tulkans were killed by the avatars. ronal and the rest of the metkayina's brothers and sisters were killed. the war had set out with quaritch as the na'vi's fought against them.

during this, neteyam could only wonder if y/n was able to find a place to hide in. he could only hope that she was able to fight off any enemies that came her way.

as he helped get spider off to safety, an avatar pointed his gun at them and set off. a bullet lodged through his chest, pain spreading through his body as he pushed himself to get spider to safety.

lo'ak helped his brother as best as he could, putting pressure on the wound as he called out for their father. neteyam could hear ringing in his ears. his eyes moved rapidly as his breath went rigged.

jake kneeled beside his son, putting pressure on the shot as he tried getting his son to breath. panic shot through the older sully as his son told him that he wanted to go back home.

neytiri ran towards her boys as she realized her oldest had been shot. she shouted as he held her son close to her. fear and anger coursing through her veins for the sky people and avatars.

neteyam could only think of one thing: y/n. where was she as everything went down? just as he wondered, y/n walked closer to the dying na'vi. her clothes were different, her skin was not her beautiful dark blue color but was now navy blue, almost black that had shimmers that looked like stars in the sky, eyes were no longer amber yellow but the color gray that complemented her new skin.

neteyam says her name softly, causing the rest of her family to look at him with confusion and then look at where he was looking, only to be met with nothing.

"it's time to rest, ma nete." y/n says, reaching her hand to him. neteyam hesitated, he didn't want to leave his family, he couldn't just leave everything behind, but he was tired. the pain was too much and he couldn't breathe properly.

"i can help get rid of your pain. just take my hand." y/n smiles softly, the same smile neteyam grew to love and yearn for. he reached out for her, grabbing her soft hands. with that, he no longer felt pain. he felt like he could float. he stood up from where he laid and followed y/n further and further away.

the screams of neytiri grew further and further away as the two left this plane of existence.

jake and neytiri had been given the chance to see their son, who was now resting with eywa. as they were greeted by a bright light, children's laughter filled their ears, warming their hearts as one was familiar to them, the other new to them.

as they went closer to where the laughter was, they saw neteyam, a sweet little 7-year-old neteyam with an unfamiliar girl beside him. when neytiri called for her son, neteyam turned with a smile as he ran towards them. little neteyam crashed to his parents with a hug before he pulls them towards where y/n was.

"mom, dad, meet y/n! she's my bestest friend ever!" neteyam exclaims happily before running towards his friend. his parents were shocked to say at least.

they've always thought that y/n was an imaginary friend of neteyam's. such a bright mind but a lonely heart, he made up a friend to cope with his loneliness.

the two watched the children play, jake holding his mate close as he feels neytiri breathe in heavily before letting out a shaky sigh.

neteyam brings y/n to his parents as he said sadly, "we have to go soon. i still need to help her go back home." neteyam says while holding little y/n's hand. "don't worry! i'll come back before the eclipse so we can eat together!" he says reassuringly, y/n letting out a toothy smile to the grown-ups.

"i'll take good care of nete! he will grow up into the next olo'eyktan and he will be strong and kind!" y/n exclaims happily to his parents.

neteyam ran ahead, shouting 'come catch me!' to his friend as his figure disappears. y/n turns to the sully's for the last time, her small figure turning to her true self, shocking the pair as confusion ran through their heads.

"neteyam sully is a child of eywa. you two need not to worry for him." y/n bows to the two before turning around, returning to little y/n and running after neteyam as she disappears.

eywa, the goddess of pandora and life, works alongside sotna, a lower goddess of death, only known to a few na'vi that plays with the essence of death.

sotna brings comfort to the lonely and helps the dying not fear the afterlife. all energy given by eywa, returned to her with the help of sotna. no one is alone in life for they are given comfort even if no eyes see the loneliness within one's soul.

[queseraone]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by the fabulous @cfr749. Please go read her fics and join me in screeching over them!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 28

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 103,520

3. What fandoms do you write for? The Rookie (Chenford), and previously for Chicago PD (Linstead)

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? - stay - i want you to be happier - i don't wanna think of anything else (now that i thought of you) - all at once this is enough - now everything is easy (cause of you)

5. Do you respond to comments? I didn't when I first started posting fics (though I often think about going back and replying to them now, but that would probably be weird lol). But yes, now I definitely respond to comments. I am absolutely giddy over every single one I receive, and so I love to express that appreciation!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Hmmmm I don't think any of them? I tend to leave even the angstiest fics on a hopeful note. But I suppose either just close your eyes (you'll be alright) or you know the greatest films of all time were never made just because of where they land in relation to the events of the show?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Probably in paper rings, in picture frames, and all my dreams, because, hello, 💍

8. Do you get hate on fics? Thankfully I have only seen positive feedback, which is so so lovely. This fandom is wonderful 💖

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I do not, because I'm too chicken. Maybe one day? (iykyk)

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? No. I can't stand crossover fics. 😬

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I'm aware of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?  Not by me!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes! My babe @timandlucy and I have a collab that we started a while ago and have recently talked about picking up again! And we have an idea for another one brewing too! And @makeitastrength and I have on that's sitting on the backburner, but hopefully we will make happen!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? Chenford!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I want to say none because I'm way too fucking stubborn to give up on anything. But *sigh* Home... 😬😬😬😬😬 (it's been 5½ years, so it's not looking particularly hopeful)

16. What are your writing strengths? Oh man, I don't know? I hope I do a decent enough job of getting their voices right? Dialogue is often a battle, but that's probably because of how insane particular I am. I will say things out loud, play around with words, etc. to make sure it really feels like something they would say.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Being too indecisive and my lack of confidence (which, frankly, go hand in hand).

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I haven't done it, but I would definitely be looking to lean on a native speaker to ensure I do it correctly!

19. First fandom you wrote for? Chicago PD (Linstead)

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? So hard, but i want you to be happier has a special place in my heart. It was a challenge to write, but the words still came so easily. And when I go back and re-read it, I don't cringe, so that's a win right there!

Thanks Lana! 🥰

Tagging @timandlucy @roguetwelve @makeitastrength @silverskull @goodgirlssayiloveyoutoo @chenfordspiral @sisterofficerlucychen @thisnightissparkling089 💕

[kozykricket]

Now that we have music and a name for 1.21, I'll give some of my thoughts ... on 1.21 as it is. That is to say, I'll withdraw any comments about "they... didn't update this unrelated thing :/" because like... yes, theres many other things that I think they could've updated, and I do hope they get to stuff thats on the backburner/backlog soon, but I respect 1.21 heavily for its lovely, wonderful additions LONG READ AHEAD!!

Tricky Trials feels like it … didn’t overscope, and thus was able to accomplish confidently what it had set out to do: To add more fun to Minecraft. Yes, there are of course still issues in Minecraft, and many things on the backlog / stuck in the ideas box, but… when you just look at 1.21 for what it DOES and not for what it DOESNT do? You get a 9/10 update, I’d say.

By focusing on the trial chambers, they’ve really created a special experience. A more refined dungeon than any other. I want to talk about… why I love trial spawners. 

So, I’ve thought frequently of adding my own dungeons to minecraft, but a struggle I always came to was… If I want the player to have several rooms with encounters of enemies, how will I do that elegantly? If its rooms with spawners, they’ll just be overwhelmed forever in each room until they light it up… and they’ll be able to farm a single room for mob loot, if they so please. They’d also be able to just… completely farm the heck out of every single spawner constantly working, like you can do with battle towers in modded minecraft. I think that feels a bit too cheap. But what if you go the nether fortress route, and just have mobs spawn in the structure? Well, thats … random. Its based on the mobcap, which is unpredictable especially in multiplayer. There won’t be a consistent difficulty to the dungeon… which leaves the bastion route: Designated single time enemy spawns. It’d probably be the best, but… it also leaves the enemies to wander around while the player is in nearby rooms. What if I only want them to spawn in when the player gets near? That’s… exactly what the trial spawner is. It goes on a long cooldown, so it might as well be a single time spawner. You get into a single encounter with a wave of mobs when it gains line of sight with you, and this allows for there to be plenty of them in the chambers without it being overpowered to farm or overwhelming if not lit up. The per player loot via vaults is also fantastic. It lets players who are “late to the server / structure” have a chance at getting their own loot, and even still enjoying themselves with trial spawners resetting their cooldowns. An example of why trial spawners help the experience for players coming to structures late, is… even if we had once-per-player loot in say, bastions, there’d still be… no piglins left guarding the treasure. No fun experience, just purely the loot. But with trial spawners AND vaults? You get the full experience… minus any destruction your friends may have caused to the structure, and a few chests or so. But the chests are mostly just supplies like wood as far as I’ve seen.

And then, to add on top of that, the ominous events system lets us experience the same structure AGAIN but in a HARDER mode that lets us access more cool and powerful loot in the ominous vaults… its brilliant!

But lets get back to 1.21 being Fun: I think the breeze, mace, and wind charges are perfect examples of just purely fun content. The Mace feels a tad unbalanced at times, but its also just… fun? Like, yeah, it could stand to pierce armor less, or do less single target damage, but in terms of flying with wind burst and wind charges? Thats just FUN. When was the last time we got a fun utility consumable? Ender pearls? They aren’t even that fun, its just teleporting. Movement in games is very, very fun. Wind charges stopping your fall damage to some extent feels like they’re welcoming you into giving them a try. This combined with the open chambers of the titular structure, and the overall adventure-map like design leads to … more fun!

I really respect how the ominous trials throwing potions to make encounters tougher is done, because it feels so much like a thing you’d see done in some adventure map. A lot of the trial chambers feels very in touch with what a player might make as a map or challenge for their friends. Which, I think does sort of take away from player-built structures and challenges, but luckily they kept all of the redstoning extremely simplistic, relying on breezes to activate the dispensers. It feels hard to critique such a fun dungeon just because “it feels really well made, like it was actually made by a real person with intent” because… well, we can have a little bit of fun, can’t we? Sure, if every structure was like this, I’d have some concerns for the sandbox elements of minecraft, but having one structure in the game that embodies what the end product of creation can look like? I think that works out well. Might even inspire some people!

And theres a certain jankiness of using in game mechanics like dispensers and potions that makes it feel… human, as opposed to extremely gamey. 

Theres more I could say, I’m sure. Like how the breeze is quite a breathe of fresh air in terms of enemy design, being a disruptor / support rather than full on beeline-attack-you

But yeah, I think 1.21, Tricky Trials, is shaping up to be fun. I know mojang had been thinking about how they needed to freshen up the extrinsic content a little bit, even though minecraft IS a game focused on intrinsic motivation; doing what YOU want to do.

But having fun midgame things for people to do when they want to take a break from their personal projects is something I consider important. Maybe I want to take a break from building my house, but I don’t wanna stop playing minecraft, so I’ll pop on over to the nearest trial chamber, and do some fights.

…Did I even mention how much groundwork this lays for future updates? Like, they can use trial spawners and vaults in MORE structures, like giving them to, I dunno, strongholds! Bastions! 

I do hope 1.22 is an update that focuses on updating old stuff to newer standards, like new models for old animals or new sounds for old wood types… or changing some old weird recipes…

But as Tricky Trials stands on its own? It’s great. Maybe the vault loot needs a bit of tweaking; I sorta disagree with different dungeons having different pieces of gear… I’d like to get enchanted pickaxes, but the experience is overall pretty good, considering I can actually get XP and mob loot in an engaging manner rather than just running around at night.

[starcanwrecked-confessions]

starkid took the money for sk labs, which were set to release in 2023. they gave a brief update on two of the three projects 10 months ago, and then went radio silent for the entire projected timeline of 2023 releases. the debacle with workin' boys happened, the debacle with the starkid reacts livestream happened, and then, 15 days ago, they deigned to give another update on sk labs which boiled down to 'these projects still exist xoxo'. no explanations for the delays except for the puppet taking longer to make than expected, and no acknowledgement or apology for the radio silence either. to then come back only ten days later and go 'give us more money please <3' after handling information on sk labs like that is, in fact, unprofessional. it would have been less so if they had kept backers up to date with production timelines, but they didn't, and it's incredibly tacky to give people (who gave you money!) information they should have gotten months ago only in the lead-up to a new project you want to fund.

the thing is, i don't care how many projects multimillion dollar companies have got going and what they do with their money, because i am not their investor (and also that comparison was very funny ngl). what i do care about is the small independent company that i gave my money to not telling me what happened with that money despite inquiries, and only deigning to give out that info when they want more money. starkid has had a long and storied history of communication with their backers breaking down once projects were achieved (literally just look at the comments of their past kickstarters), with rewards being badly managed and sometimes mismanaged (looking at you, workin' boys and starkid reacts livestream), but this is the first time this has happened with something that is not a reward, but something promised as part of the campaign itself. the issue is not the not yet delivering (although two years for the production of one podcast is objectively ridiculous and should've either been handled better or the delay explained at all), the issue is the delivery seemingly not being prioritized (the space baby teaser isn't even public on their channel), backers being left in the dark, and having very little to show for projects that were funded over a year and a half ago. and then coming out with something that has clearly been prioritized (which also includes puppets and people involved in sk labs) and asking for money for that, with the aim of completing the project before sk labs even comes out, it's not a good look. putting the project meant to diversify the creative forces within starkid on the backburner for a big project by the usual white guys creative team that gets to shape all the big stories sure is a choice too.

~~~

[zealous-starlight]

Update number : 3

Super sorry for the late update guys. I've had a lot of stuff happen that's going to be addressed in this update, so let's get right to it.

First off, let's start with the good news. The winner of the name poll Is....

Hell and High Spirits!

Thank you to everyone who participated, you've all helped choose the (hopefully) permanent name for this thing.

Now for why there was a late update. There are truthfully many reasons that I won't be going in to, but the main one is that me and my family are moving out very very soon. As in October 1st soon. I found this out on Wednesday. This is not being done under the best circumstances as we've been running down rocky roads financially for a long while now. So this is all very sudden, very unplanned, and is going to require almost all of my attention and time, especially since I have a lot of siblings in the house that are still minors that I have to help pack and on top I'm still working my full-time job. So this little project of mine will be taking a backburner.

That being said, I am not abandoning this project! I have full plans once we settle down to hop back to working on this. I've wanted to do this for so long, I'm not giving it up that easily.

There will be a few changes though, since this is going to uproot a lot of how my life has functioned up to this point. I will iron out the details in my absence and figure out what I'll be able to do in this new environment. As for now you can expect me back hopefully some time in December, though depending how things go it could end up being January.

I'm so sorry for leaving you all after having just started this thing. I really truly did want to dive into this head first, but life seems to have different plans I guess. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can.

Tag list

@aerowolf @schnozzlebozzle @aniolleq

[ahkaraii]

i might have already asked but are you planning to update five or a lot can change in a year anytime soon?

As always, very happy people are still interested in this story because I've poured a lot of myself into it <3 My answer is, still, I do plan on finishing it! But I've left it on the backburner because I am no longer in the correct headspace, and also, I no longer have the same time availability I did before.

blah blah the usual excuses under cut

I think I hit a crossroads when I lost my old laptop some years back, with it went the psd files for about 12 parts of the story and I was never able to recover them. That, plus the fact that I started Five before I went through clinical rotations, and the karaii before that and the karaii after that are very different people. Not to be too melodramatic about it, but public hospitals in third world countries with intense local gang warfare is pretty ptsd-inducing, and fictional stories about child soldiers quickly start feeling a bit sour when you see in front of you real live people shaped by those forces in a very not-fictional sort of way. You see one person dying and then you see several couple more and you fuck up giving CPR once and all these things kinda pile on, y'know? My comic about Kakashi started feeling like something I couldn't get into anymore. For a while there, all my art felt like it had been drawn by a very different person that I could no longer recognize. Infantile, childish, narrow-visioned-- deep sunk in a place of fiction when real life in front of me demanded my attention.

I've been a medical doctor for a couple years now though, so I've grown into my big boy boots and am doing quite well for myself, as it were. I'm currently a postgraduate resident for psychiatry so art and fandom have returned to being a place for me to destress and chill :) My Five comic is a legacy I am very proud of and really truly do want to finish, but I need to get back into that headspace to do it proper-like. There are so many unfinished stories percolating there that I'd be long-term sad if I fumbled them all in an effort to speedrun an ending. It would be a disservice to my younger self, who was so ambitious and had such a clear vision, y'know?

As it is, these things take time, and patience, and if you've run out of them then I hope you enjoyed the ride, and find greener pastures <3 Life's really truly too short to sweat the small stuff. Enjoy your health while it lasts, and don't forget to make your own meaningful human connections 'cause those can keep you going for a long time :D And thanks for being interested enough to send me a message! I am genuinely very happy people still enjoy my old works enough to come asking me about them. Stay awesome, and don't forget to smell the flowers!

[mushr00mfriend]

hi!! i have a question about how you have the motivation to write? ive been trying to write my own slenderverse fic and sometimes i just find myself feeling so discouraged because the fandom isnt as active anymore, and i was wondering if youve ever felt that way and how you actively get the motivation to write?

Hello! This is a fantastic question; I'm going to preface my answer by saying that this is my own outlook/opinion as well as mindset, and that it may not work for everyone. Take what you need and leave what you don't.

(also, this got incredibly long. If there's anything I love to do, it's ramble- thus, a readmore)

For direct motivation, here's a few things I do to get in the groove:

- Chapter summaries. Write a paragraph (4-6 sentences) about what you want to see happen in a chapter. Character interactions, thematic elements, foreshadowing, plot movement, etc. Don't go over a paragraph, however, or you'll end up feeling like you've already written it without, you know, writing it. If there's something tasty, reference it rather than write it all out. You'll remember it each time you read the reference and it'll make you want to get it out in its entirety.

- Bounce around. Write some of the first chapter, some of the twentieth. Finish the sixth before the fourth. Don't feel like you have to write it in the order it's gonna be read in; you have all the power as the author to do whatever you want. If you want to write the ending before you've even got the beginning penned, do it.

- Make a list of 'delicious scenes'. These are scenes that are incredibly vivid in your mind, the ones that you really really want to see in your story. Write them down and think about them often. When you feel de-motivated, start on them. 

- In that vein, daydream about what's not being shown in a chapter, or imagine the characters in different situations. They're blorbo from your shows!! Play with them like dolls!! Make em kiss!

- Keep a project on the backburner. When I feel like I don't want to write for one project, I turn to another and work on that one for a bit instead. It keeps me from burning out entirely, but also keeps me writing, which is the most important thing.

You are correct in saying that the fandom isn't super active anymore. It was already simmering down when I had been working through the legacy draft of Delirium, and compared to the monolith it had once been, the community can seem nonexistent in this day and age. I definitely can relate to the discouragement you're feeling - I felt it all the way up until I was just under three-quarters of the way through Delirium, when there were enough consistent readers that I felt I had finally gotten somewhere, carved out my little niche of a community. Looking at the numbers now, you probably wouldn't believe that I suffered a lot with discouragement and de-motivation...

But I did, especially because I tied my self-worth and confidence in my story to how many views and comments it got. I still feel this, especially with other projects, and especially especially if they don't stack up to Delirium. If I were in the same mindset I was at the beginning, I'd even wonder if making Delusion was really a thing I should do, because there's definitely readers who won't be interested in it anymore.

But the thing is, I'm not making it for the readers. I'm making it for me. 

Delirium started out as an homage to the Creepypasta fics I read as a teen, and somewhere along the way became a way for me to vent my frustrations and trauma regarding my personal experiences with the fandom. The most important part of the story is why you're writing it- what are you trying to say? What are you trying to impart? Who are you trying to reach, and what are you trying to tell them?

You have to sit with yourself, and with the concept of the story in your head, and you have to know that you can't make it for anyone but yourself, because you are the most important part of it. You, your feelings about the setting, the characters, the themes and motifs. Your personal reflection of the situations, opinions about the arcs and plot. And yeah, not everyone will vibe with it, but making yourself palatable to everyone will make your work tasteless and unsatisfying. Even if you write for yourself, there will be other's who appreciate it. I promise. The Creepypasta community is diminished, but not gone. Take a scroll through the tags, follow a bunch of creators. There's still people drawing, people writing, and people reading. Your dash will fill up with others who still like it.

If there's one thing I can say right now, if there's one thing you take away from my words, it's that there isn't a number that will make you feel fulfilled. I promise you that the mental ceiling will only increase. You will not find a love for the story in the views, in the favourites, nor in the comments. You need to love the story first- you need to believe in it first. No one else can write the story you want to tell, and no one can write it the way you will.

I'd also say sit with it for a looooooong while. Like, figure out how it ends, find the major plot beats, bullet point the snippets you really want to see, write it halfway, sit on that for a month, then reread and edit it. Delirium is- I just checked it, over eight years in the making, including that legacy draft (which was more of a false start, if anything). You don't necessarily have to take that long- I'm just slow- but make sure you have 80% of it figured out before you go on and post it. If there's anything that kills motivation, it's internalized deadlines when you have no backlog to fall back on. Several of the months-long hiatus' between chapters were because of this. It's also the reason why Delusion isn't being published until next year.

Anyway, this got ramble-y, but I also want you to know that you got this!! I believe in you!! And if/when you ever publish it, please give me a link, I'd love to read it :]

[addictedtostorytelling]

Greetings! You can call me the cheesy anonymous, after watching too many romantic movies today I have a question about GSR, do you think that if Sara had taken the leave of absence Grissom would eventually go after her, or do you think that Sara would simply end up married to someone else? Eugene Onegin style (I don't know if you know the book or the movie but I recommend both lol)

hi cheesy anon!

i love pushkin!

so my short answers to your questions are: a) i think grissom's willingness to go after sara if she left town would depend on whether or not he had reason to believe she, despite her hurt feelings, still ultimately wanted him in her life or not, and, b) i don't think sara would be likely to marry anyone besides grissom, even if she did leave town and he never chased after her.

my much longer (and more rambling) answers are after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

__

so the thing about sara’s request for the leave of absence in episode 02x15 “burden of proof” is it 1000% blindsides grissom.

ever since sara’s move to vegas, he has been under the impression they are on the same page regarding the reality of their situation—namely, he believes they both understand that for as long as he is her boss and she his subordinate, the feelings they both have for each other by necessity must go on the backburner, the consolation being they still get to work together and enjoy each other’s company professionally, even though they cannot share a private life outside of the lab.

because he believes they are both similarly resigned to (and even somewhat contented with) their status quo, until sara’s request shows up on his desk, grissom has no idea she is even contemplating leaving las vegas. then, even once he receives her request, until she comes into his office to talk with him, he has no notion of what might have caused her to want to leave.

the twin revelations she makes to him—i.e., she wants to leave and the reason why she feels the need to is because of him—deliver double blows to grissom’s entire understanding of his world.

not only is sara unhappy in vegas, but she is specifically unhappy because of him!

he had no clue.

as i talk about here,

[during the early seasons of the show, despite his desire to be with her in a more traditional way,] grissom contents himself with only having sara’s company at work and even treating their professional relationship like a quasi-dating situation while otherwise keeping her at arm’s length.  sara is, essentially, his work girlfriend, and that arrangement works for him.  he can flirt with her when he likes (as long as things don’t get too personal); he can occasionally walk arm-in-arm with her around their crime scenes; they can trade trivia and jokes; he can pay attention to her and make her smile; she can emotionally support him and calm him down when he’s upset (see episodes 01x19 “gentle, gentle” and 02x05 “scuba doobie-doo”); he can show her off to his superiors (see episode 03x02 “the accused is entitled”); they can share weirdly intimate moments (see episode 01x10 “sex, lies, & larvae”); etc.; etc. really, they can do everything short of going home together.  but whenever things get too intense, he can also shut their interactions down at a moment’s notice. he can maintain his space, go off by himself, even turn his attentions—fleetingly and superficially—to other women, like teri miller (see here).  nothing he’s willing to do with sara endangers his career. they toe that line between coworkers and significant others, and they keep everything relatively clean that way. furthermore, he’s able to (to some extent) “have her” without fear he will lose her. if he never lets her get too close to him, she won’t see his flaws, and she won’t reject him; she’ll stay with him, almost happily, forever.  sure, in his heart of hearts, grissom very much yearns to extend his and sara’s relationship to all spheres of his life (see his original scripted monologue from episode 04x12 “butterflied”), and, certainly, on a subconscious level, he realizes he is dissatisfied with the status quo between himself and sara, particularly when she dates hank peddigrew during s2 and s3.  in a better world, in a better life, where grissom could be sure sara would love him forever and he could know he was actually good enough for her, he would want to be the man she came home to after shift. he would want them to share everything. to be everything for each other. but in this world, their arrangement mostly works for him. it mostly meets his needs. —and, because it does, he remains generally oblivious to the fact that things aren’t working out this way for sara…  [before sara puts in her request for a leave of absence,] grissom thinks he and sara have a fine thing going on, but, apparently, she is unhappy. this realization affronts grissom and also heightens his insecurities. it never occurred to him sara might actively search out something more than what he was offering her; the fact she has scares him, because it means there is a possibility he might lose her.

—which is an assumption he’s not at all wrong in making.

as i talk about here, sara’s request for the leave of absence has little to actually do with her wanting to pursue other career opportunities, and it also is never intended to be a temporary thing, even for all her hedging to grissom about “six months” or “a year”:

honestly, when sara puts in the request for the leave of absence, it isn’t even really that she wants to work for the fbi*; it’s that she is upset by the current state of her and grissom’s relationship. * maybe at some point before she started working for the lvpd, she might have been interested in perhaps working in the federal system. but afterward, not really. she’s just saying that she is because she doesn’t know what else to do re: her impasse with grissom. she moved to vegas with the expectation they would be a couple, but after a year and a half living there and working under him, not only are they not in a romantic relationship but he is acting more aloof from her than ever. as i talk about here, for him, the hamburger is just hamburger, but for her, it’s more. he’s looking at their conflict, thinking, “okay, so i’m working on an experiment involving raw hamburger, and sara comes in when i’m already mostly done with it. i don’t have time to slow down because the case is hot, so i ask her to handle the clean-up so i can move on to the next thing, which is something 100% within my purview to do, as i am her supervisor, and she’s my subordinate. she gets upset about the assignment i’ve given her because it disagrees with her personal sensibilities, which—okay, whatever. i don’t really get it, because to me science is science, but not touching raw meat if she doesn’t want to is her prerogative, i guess, so i tell her she can have nick deal with the clean-up instead. to me, that’s the long and short of the matter, but to her, it must not be, because the next thing i know, she’s putting in a request for a leave of absence, accusing me of not respecting her. did the hamburger really offend her that badly? i don’t understand why she’s so upset.” meanwhile, she’s looking at it, thinking, “i moved to las vegas believing when i got here, grissom and i would be a couple. obviously, things haven’t panned out that way, though. since i’m a big girl, i’ve tried to deal with the disappointment—to play by grissom’s rules and respect his boundaries, holding out hope maybe someday he’ll change his mind, yes, but not pushing him into anything or giving voice to my heartache. i get why he has trepidations, of course. i get what’s at stake for him. and that’s why i don’t lobby for more than he’s willing to give. i feel like so far i’ve been pretty good about adapting to the reality of our situation. still. that’s not to say it doesn’t hurt when he’s callous with me—when he treats me like there was never anything between us, even though we both know that’s not true. for a year and a half now, i’ve stood by, making the best of his mood swings. some days, he treats me like i annoy the hell out of him, to the point where i wonder why he even keeps me on the team. but other days, he’s back to being prince charming, giving me all sorts of reasons to hope. honestly, the whole runaround is exhausting, and i wish he would come down one way or the other all of the time. this raw hamburger debacle is just the latest and worst in a string of slaps in the face from him. we shared that night watching over the pig carcass together last year, and i thought it was a big deal, that it meant something to both of us. but now he can’t even be assed to remember it, and he can’t be assed to even respect me as a person. i memorize and analyze and overanalyze and pore over every little exchange that passes between us. i live and die by how he treats me, weathering the bad days, living for the good. but obviously that’s not how things are for him. obviously, i’m not that important in his eyes. it’s probably time for me to recognize that discrepancy. i can’t keep waiting around for him to figure things out. i’ve got to do something to clear my head and get over him once and for all.”

so.

she originally claims she wants to get away for six months or a year, but, honestly, she only says so in the hopes of avoiding a confrontation.

the real truth comes out when grissom confronts her anyhow, pushing back against her stated reasons for her request. backed up into the proverbial corner, she reveals she isn’t actually leaving to pursue federal employment; she’s trying to run away from him because being in his presence is just too painful for her to handle anymore. eventually, she lets slip: it doesn’t matter if he either lets her go or doesn’t; she will leave either with his permission or without, and once she does so she has no intention of coming back.

she's trying to make a clean break here—which is exactly what she cannot do so long as she is “trapped in grissom’s gravity” in vegas.

for almost two years now, he’s refused to make a clear-cut decision on them, so she’s making it for him.

of course, the difficulty with this conversation—and, indeed, with all gsr communication pre-s5—is grissom and sara aren’t fully at liberty to come out and say exactly what they mean, on a practical level because they’re at work and can’t risk being overheard and on a personal one because they both fear giving voice to their deepest feelings, lest they be rejected.

instead, they have to hedge around the issue, avoiding any talk of their pre-vegas relationship (in whatever form it may have taken), their mutual feelings, their hopes and their fears regarding each other, etc., couching their every exchange in professional language. they cannot call a spade a spade—or in this case, a romantic connection a romantic connection. though they’re talking about deeply personal issues, they can’t directly refer to just how personal they are.

the number one rule is they can’t say the l-word.

even though sara is essentially trying to tell grissom his capricious behavior with her is tying her heart up in knots, she can’t use those exact words or even any words adjacent to them. rather, she is left to stammer and hem about how she needs a work environment with communication and respect and remind grissom (obliquely) the problem “isn’t just about [her].”

and in the wake of her revelation, grissom can’t beg her to stay because he needs her; instead, he is forced to substitute the safer but less emotionally honest “the lab.”

so without sara being able to come out and say directly how she feels grissom has been jerking her around by the heart for the last year and half, all she can do is vaguely gesture to her confusion and upset and hope grissom understands.

and he does, to some extent—obviously enough to later see the sense in catherine’s advice and send out the olive branch green plant.

but that’s not necessarily to say he understands the full nuance of sara’s feelings.

how could he, when she isn’t able to articulate them?

while he gets the gist, there is likely a lot still lost on him—especially because he is only now for the first time realizing what an untenable position he has put her in and how miserable she is.

all of the above so, i tend to believe in any situation where sara were to ask for a leave of absence, grissom, in his shock at her request, would try to ascertain her motivations for seeking such a leave.

and if he did so, she would always end up leveling the same (veiled) accusations at him she does in the canon episode—admitting she feels disrespected by him, the problem isn’t just some one-off thing but rather is indicative of a larger pattern of behavior over time, she needs to get away from him, etc.

as in canon, grissom would always be blindsided by these revelations and not know how to respond to sara in the moment, and she would always storm off, issuing her “either grant me the leave or i'll quit” ultimatum.

at that point, grissom would always understand he was in danger not just of losing her to the fbi for six months to a year but of losing her to his own romantic ineptitude forever.

in the canonical episode, within hours of his and sara’s confrontation in his office, catherine drunkenly nudges grissom into figuring out a way to show sara he cares. right away, he gifts sara the green plant, thereby proving to her he does pay attention to her and have feelings for her beyond just their working relationship. the gesture flies with her. she opts to remain at the lab. grissom then spends the rest of s2 doting on her (albeit still solely at work).

seriously, the tail end of s2 is like a full gsr romcom.

however, even if catherine hadn’t intervened, i still think grissom would’ve realized what hot water he was in and would have tried—however clumsily—to “win sara back,” if he could.

maybe he wouldn’t have sent her a green plant, but he would have tried to do something to convince her not to go.

i don’t think he would have full-on confessed his feelings to her—because at that point, he wasn’t ready to face the consequences for them, either professionally or personally—but he would have done something to show her he was not indifferent to her or their relationship, and in so doing, he would have continued what is a very common pattern of behavior for him during the early seasons of the show.

as i talk about here:

we see a situation during s1 and s2 where grissom perpetuates a kind of cycle with sara, over and over again:

1. first he gets close to her (because that’s what his heart and his instincts are telling him to do). 2. then once he becomes cognizant of how close he actually is to her—which is something that tends to happen when sara makes some kind of move or gesture in acknowledgment of and/or response to their closeness—he panics, realizing that he is coming up against a line he dares not cross. 3. at that point, he retracts from sara emotionally/socially, trying desperately to reassert professional boundaries between them. 4. however, seldom does he manage to do so gracefully, and so he typically ends up hurting her feelings in the process. 5. of course, since he’s still in love with her, once he realizes he’s hurt her feelings, he can’t stand to leave things that way, so then he attempts to make amends, acting very sweet and attentive to her to cheer her up and win back her affections. 6. from that point, one thing leads to another, and pretty soon, he’s getting close to her again (because that’s what his heart and his instincts tell him is right). 7. the cycle then repeats again from there.

now, whether or not sara would have ultimately forgiven grissom and chosen to remain in vegas due to whatever gesture he made toward her (see step #5 of the pattern) would largely depend on whatever that gesture were and how genuine she felt he was in making it.

in canon, the green plant gesture does the trick, not only because of what it signifies (i.e., grissom does actually pay close attention to her and her needs, despite occasional appearances to the contrary) but also because it is made so promptly, before sara can actually pack up her apartment and move to virginia.

so let’s say in this au grissom doesn’t send sara a plant just hours after she puts in her request but instead does something somewhat less demonstrative somewhat later.

maybe in such a case, a weaker gesture so late in coming might not soothe sara’s hurt feelings.

maybe then she might still feel the need to leave.

grissom would then be posed with a not-actually-a-choice choice, per sara’s ultimatum: to either grant her leave request, knowing despite its trappings of temporariness, it would nevertheless be a permanent development; or to have her flat-out quit, admitting the permanency of the situation from the get-go.

and, of course, for as socially obtuse as grissom may sometimes be, i don’t think the bottom line of the situation would be lost on him.

even without fully understanding all of the ins and outs of sara’s upset, he could infer well enough her leaving was never actually about pursuing other career opportunities; it was always about getting away from him.

now.

eventually, from the end of s4 to mid-s5, grissom finds himself facing a similar “either prove to sara you love her once and for all or risk losing her forever” type of situation—which begins when he recognizes her downward spiral during the events of episode 04x23 “bloodlines” and comes to a head in episode 05x13 “nesting dolls,” when he comes under pressure to fire her due to her insubordinate workplace behavior—and, in that case, he is able to finally summon his courage, make the grand gesture, and, in sara’s own words, “just be there for [her].”

so the question then becomes: could he do the same thing three seasons earlier, during the events of episode 02x15 “burden of proof,” were he faced with the prospect of sara leaving vegas permanently?

i mean, his love for her is the same in both circumstances, right?

however, one variable which differs considerably is his level of confidence in sara’s desire to have him.

in s5, the grissom who shows up at sara’s apartment, wearing his heart on his sleeve, ready to take on ecklie and catherine for her sake, in episode 05x13 “nesting dolls” is also a grissom who, one month earlier in show time, has sara more or less tell him (in so many words) she is still in love with him and open to a relationship with him in episode 05x12 “snakes.”

and the same is not true of the grissom in episode 02x15 “burden of proof.”

that grissom is one who has just had the love of his life confront him with accusations of poor communication and disrespect, to the point where she wants to move across the country to get away from him.

her words echo many of his deepest fears concerning himself: i.e., he is “insufficiently human,” harmful to the people he cares about due to his social ineptitudes, innately selfish, etc.

that so, i tend to think, in this situation, unlike in s5, grissom might be more inclined to just let sara go—not because he wanted to but because he felt he didn’t have the right to try to stop her.

while he might not have a full view of what exactly he had done to hurt her, he can sense he has hurt her—and because he can, he would be disposed to believe sara probably wants nothing to do with him going forward.

she's come into his office and told him she feels he has mistreated her and she needs to get away from him.

and his inclination in the absence of reassurance from her to the contrary would be to take her at her word—to let her go, because that’s obviously what she wants from him at this point (after he’s so wounded her), right?

of course, the irony is, sara doesn’t actually want to leave and never see grissom again.

what she would prefer is he simply change his behavior and embrace his love for her, becoming transparent in his feelings. she's only “running away” because she believes that possibility is off the table.

we can deduce as much from the fact that, in canon, the second grissom does something to prove he actually cares for her (i.e., sends her the green plant), she stops trying to leave vegas immediately—and, in fact, her leave of absence never gets mentioned again.

all she truly needs from grissom in order to feel secure is some sign from him that she’s not just imagining his feelings for her.

—it’s just in s2, in a situation where grissom would feel fairly certain he had already ruined everything with sara by disrespecting her and failing to communicate with her at work, i think grissom would be disinclined to call her bluff, again, not because he wanted to see her go, but because he was too scared to chase after her, fearing she would reject him.

in episode 05x13 “nesting dolls,” he is able to do the brave thing both because his care for sara’s needs supersedes his fears AND because he feels confident she does actually want him to pursue her (despite their to that point tumultuous history).

in mid-s2, the same might not be true.

so.

in all likelihood, if things got to the point where whatever initial gesture he had made had failed to pacify her and she really was ready to leave town, without some intervention—like drunken catherine telling him to get off his ass and do something, a la canon—grissom might just let sara quit after all.

and if he did?

it would probably take some kind of act of god to make him go to her after she left town—again, not because he wouldn’t miss her desperately, be heartbroken over his loss of her, want to be with her, etc., but because he would feel unwanted.

he would reason, “well, she wanted to leave and she left. she told me she didn’t want to be around me anymore. who am i to impose on her? she’s trying to make a clean break, and the least i can do is let her do so, given the way i've so obviously mistreated her.”

the only way he might wise up and change his mind is if something happened to make him realize sara did still want him after all—like with the classic romcom fourth act trope, he found some proof of her lingering feelings for him, which incontrovertibly established she had only ever skipped town because she felt rejected by him, not because she had been rejecting him herself.

think sara watching the exit interview tape at the end of “immortality,” but reversed.

then he might get on a plane.

then he might make the grand gesture.

and at that point, it would have to be grand—not just a green plant but an invitation to finally live “the beautiful life” they both had always dreamed of, to return to vegas not just as his employee but as his girlfriend.

now.

as for the second half of your question, with regards to sara, i don’t think she would likely be married to someone else, no matter how long it had been since she and grissom had parted ways.

to my mind, the only person sara sidle would ever even consider marrying is gil grissom.

otherwise, given her family history and views on the transactive nature of weddings, i don’t think she would ever be open to tying the knot with anyone else.

he is the one exception to what is otherwise a hard rule for her.

and once her "experiment" of opening her heart to him and considering a marital commitment had, in her eyes, failed, she would be disinclined to ever try again with someone else; not when making herself vulnerable that way had so badly backfired on her before.

that said, if enough time had passed since she had left vegas before grissom wised up and went after her, she could theoretically be in a relationship (and even a long-term one) with someone else.

i mean, after all, she does canonically date hank peddigrew—for over a year!—in an effort to get over grissom, so it stands to reason she might do the same in a scenario where she had moved away from vegas expressly to romantically “start anew.”

if she did end up with the fbi, maybe she might meet some nice hunky agent and hit it off with him.

and maybe if he were uninquisitive regarding her past—more on that point below—she might even stay with him for a long while.

even so.

i don’t think it’d be the kind of deal where she’d be at all torn about dumping her boyfriend to go back to nevada with grissom when and if he turned up, just given the way she tends to operate.

see, the thing about sara is she has intimacy issues of her own. prior to her confession to grissom in episode 05x13 “nesting dolls,” she has literally never told anyone about her family history, and she never really intends to. the fact that she doesn’t—and, moreover, won’t even discuss anything even remotely adjacent to her family history at all, including anything to do with the first 18+ years of her life—makes for some ~weirdness~ in her romantic relationships.

as i talk about here,

outside of with grissom, sara tends to form shallow—mostly physical—relationships with good-looking guys to whom she does not very deeply relate, either on an intellectual level or a personal one. her mo seems to be “find somebody who’s pretty to look at and not altogether intolerable. stay with him until he disappoints you, and then move on. wash, rinse, repeat.” one might look at this pattern and say that sara simply has poor relationship skills (or, as warrick quips in episode 07x17 “fallen idols,” bad taste in men), but while that observation isn’t untrue, i think there’s more to the issue than perhaps first meets the eye. in episode 05x13 “nesting dolls,” sara mentions that she tends to “choose men who are emotionally unavailable”—and my thought is that she does so in order to protect herself from having to be vulnerable with them, and specifically so she won’t have to talk about her past... not just with hank, but with her college boyfriend, doug wilson, and taylor wynard, as well, sara chooses men who are emotionally unavailable as a safeguard against having to become emotionally intimate and/or disclose her past. she so fears anyone who were to learn the truth about her childhood and family history would reject and think badly of her she preemptively prevents this from happening by choosing to partner with men who are only too happy to keep their relationships with her at the surface level and based mostly on sex. grissom is where sara deviates from this pattern—first of all, in that her relationship with him, for a long time, isn’t sexual and yet is almost weirdly emotionally intimate, even without the sex; secondly, in that she eventually comes to trust grissom enough she is willing to disclose to him and tell him all of her secrets in a way she never has with anyone else, even at a time before they are technically dating, when their relationship is still nebulous.

because outside of her relationship with grissom, sara tends to purposefully initiate romantic relationships which are inherently shallow and remains purposefully evasive with her romantic partners regarding her past, i tend to think it would be difficult for her to form a serious relationship of the kind she would be reluctant to part ways from, were grissom to suddenly become a viable romantic option for her.

she might be dating a guy she liked when grissom came to town.

but loved? doubtful.

and loved enough to choose over grissom? no way.

grissom is really the only person she ever feels compelled to tell her full life story to—and she only does so with him because they have such an instantaneous, soul-deep connection; i.e., because she falls in love with him so immediately and completely she feels compelled to break what are otherwise some very unbreakable rules for her.

just as sara is the one person who could ever motivate grissom to deviate from his comfortable patterns, placing his career and his heart on the line, grissom is the one person who could ever motivate sara to tell the truth about her past.

he's really her only exception.

her one in seven billion.

so the likelihood she would ever even consider staying with mr. virginia would just be incredibly low—not if gil grissom turned up at her door, apologizing for his past missteps and demonstrating he was really, truly ready to be with her in the way she had always dreamt of.

now.

if grissom never wised up and came looking for her, could she in theory stay with mr. virginia—or whatever state she ended up settling in—in the long term, even if she might not marry him?

honestly, it would depend on how much space he gave her within their relationship.

if he was content never to know any biographical details about her prior to when she was college-age and never pushed to meet her parents or got curious about some of her particular personality quirks (like why she gets so cagey after working domestic violence cases, say), then she could probably stay with him contented-ishly for quite some time, settling because why the hell not? as long as the sex was good and he wasn’t an ass, he’d be better than nothing, right? even if he weren’t grissom.

true, she would never likely love him, and she would have no intention to ever open up to him of her own volition. but she could make do for a long time, insofar as he made no attempts to “break down her walls” or catch glimpse of all those parts of her she would prefer to keep secret.

of course, few people—aside from manipulators like hank peddigrew—are willing to remain in long-term relationships with people they know next to nothing about, and especially not with the relationship itself remaining largely superficial, based more on sex and shared activities than actual emotional connections.

most booty calls (even glorified ones) come with expiration dates.

as grissom and sara themselves discuss in episode 09x02 “the happy place,” relationships in stasis wither.

at some point, there has to be forward motion.

so most likely, at some point, this boyfriend would start asking sara to tell him more about how she grew up or would push her to take him “home” to meet mom and dad or would realize how seriously traumatized she was and would want to know by what.

and, like i said, i just tend to think sara would only ever be disposed to unveil herself to someone she was already in love with.

and in a world where she had already met grissom, loved grissom, and lost him, well—

even in his absence, i don’t know she would ever have it in her to fall in love with anyone else again, no matter how nice the guy were or how genuine his feelings for her.

hell, i don't even think she would ever actually get over grissom; she would still be in love with him, even given how he had broken her heart.

so if her boyfriend tried to get her to talk, she’d probably break up with him or else do something to sabotage the relationship.

and that would be the end of things.

she might then move on to someone else.

but the same pattern would play out again and again; her refusal to share the intimate details of herself would limit the viability of her long-term romantic relationships.

so ultimately if grissom never came looking for her, i think she’d end up alone.

of course, the good news is, i tend to think the likelihood of things ever getting to this point—of grissom “allowing” sara to leave vegas and then never going after her—is incredibly low.

once he realized sara’s seriousness about leaving (and her reasons for wanting to do so), grissom was always going to at least make an attempt to keep her from leaving.

and just like in canon with the green plant, i think if he could just find it in himself to show care for her (even without an admission of love or entry into a committed relationship), he could earn her forgiveness and convince her to stay.

because that’s the thing: ultimately, sara never wants to leave.

she wants a reason to stay.

and all he has to do is give one to her.

anyway.

i'm rambling now.

i hope i at least somewhat answered your question.

please feel welcome to send another one any time!