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midnightrooftops · 4 years

Text

Don’t Blame it on the Kids

Drabble #2

Story here

Summery: Shouta talks with All Might. Drabble.

Characters: Shouta Aizawa (Eraserhead), Yagi Toshinori (All Might)

MANGA SPOILERS: ch. 303 (well past season 4 of the anime) post-war arc

TW: mention/referenced abuse, mention/reference character death, canon-typical violence, PTSD, amputation, hospitals, panic/anxiety

“Oh, this is a cool one,” Mic says, holding out his phone for Shouta to see. “I think this is what Rumi is getting.”

Aizawa is ignoring him as he looks over the file in front of him.

“She’s getting an arm, not a leg.”

“Yeah, but I think this is the designer.” Mic goes back to browsing. “You think about that fake eye yet?”

“I’m not becoming a cyborg,” Aizawa says, too tired to put any malice in his voice. He rubs his eye from the mention of it and holds back a flinch at the image he sees. He’s getting used to blinking and seeing the fight, really, he is. It’s annoying as hell, though.

“But it’d be so cool,” Mic continues. “Matching glowing eyes. Tracking system to lock on your prey.”

“And yet, I still wouldn’t be able to see 3D movies,” Aizawa deadpans. He’s grateful for Mic, though. The first few days were tough, but Hizashi has gotten better about downplaying it all and Shouta is thankful for it. He can handle losing a leg and an eye. He can. But he didn’t have to weep about it.

“You don’t even go to movies,” Mic says and he’s back on his phone again.

There’s a soft knock on the door, so soft it doesn’t even register to Aizawa until he hears Mic get up.

“Hey there big guy,” he says in his friendly DJ voice. It’s still softer than normal but Aizawa owes that to it being a hospital more than Mic’s sense of comfort for his friend.

“Hello Hizashi,” All Might says and Aizawa looks up and past the curtain to see the skeleton of the man in the door frame. “Could I have a moment with Aizawa?”

“More secrets?” Mic presses but he’s only teasing the old man. All Might, for his worth, looks ashamed by it. Mic laughs, pats him on the shoulder and offers Shouta a wave. “I’m off to refresh the playlist,” he says. “Text me if you want anything from the cafeteria.”

“Thanks,” Aizawa says and watches Mic leave.

All Might closes the door. Not all the way, but enough to imply privacy. He shuffles slowly across the room to the chair next to Aizawa’s bed and sits gingerly.

“When are you getting out?” All Might asks.

“Tomorrow,” Aizawa says, pushing the papers back into the manilla folder.

All Might nods. “They expect Midoriya can leave by the end of the week.”

“That’s good.”

“Indeed.”

The silence settles between them. Aizawa let’s it.

“He hates the hospital,” All Might says and Aizawa almost lets out a real laugh. Of course he does. The poor kid spent more of his first year of high school in the hospital than actual classes. But the reason why that’s the case dries up Shouta’s amusement.

“He doesn’t say that, of course,” All Might continues. “He wouldn’t talk back to a nurse or doctor. He’s not like me. I fought them tooth and nail any time I ended up here.” A smile creeps onto his face. “No, but I can tell. He gets anxious as soon as he has energy back in his body. He’s desperate to leave, even now. After telling you, I could see how eager he was to go home.”

“Was it his decision?” Aizawa asks, knowing why All Might has come.

“Yes.” All Might looks at Aizawa and his eyes are heavy but honest. “It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you.”

“I know.”

“It’s a big responsibility.” It’s an excuse.

“Too much for a kid,” Aizawa says.

All Might nods. For his worth, he seems to sincerely agree. “In my retirement, I’m beginning to think it’s too much for anyone to bear.”

Aizawa sees the way his shoulders hunch, the way his spine, even through the suit, is still visible. He sees the skin pulling at the man’s face and hears the rattle of blood in his breath. For all the times All Might has been in his natural form around Aizawa, he never wanted to see the hero. It was a painful sight.

He thinks, for all Shouta’s criticism, he can agree with that. Which begs the question…

“Why him?”

Why Midoriya? Granted, he knew now he knew nothing of the kid. He’s been pouring through Midoriya’s records, trying to figure him out, trying to make sense of what he was just told.

A smile crosses All Might’s face and his eyes aren’t looking at anything in the present anymore, they’re seeing the past.

“He asked me, once, if a quirkless kid could be a hero. And for all my honor and duty, I told him no.”

Quirkless? Quirkless?!

“And then, when a villain was attacking his friend and no other heroes, including myself, could step up to save him, Midoriya ran straight into the fight.”

Aizawa knows about the sludge monster incident. Mostly from Bakaugou’s file but he knew Midoriya was involved. Jumping in without permission. It was a red mark against the kid.

But not in the version All Might told.

“Put simply, that boy reminded me why I was a hero. He has that power inside him, the one we can’t teach, the one that has nothing to do with One For All.”

Aizawa knows what he’s talking about. Usually, it’s the reason why Midoriya is the problem child of the problem class. But it’s a spirit he’s seen in the best heroes.

“I know you don’t agree,” All Might says. “I thought All For One was dead. I thought he had more time. Time to grow and develop...” All Might bows his head. “It’s no excuse.”

It’s not, but it explains some things.

“You said he was quirkless?”

All Might nods. “I should think that’s his part to tell,” he says and again, Aizawa can agree with that.

But…

Damn. Midoriya being quirkless makes sense. Aizawa remembers the beginning of the year. He remembered the entrance exam.

Midoriya wasn’t a lazy kid. He wasn’t just overusing his quirk to get attention or try to impress people, like Shouta originally assumed. He literally had no control.

“Who else knows?” All Might looks confused and Aizawa supposes this was one of the things he missed in the discussion earlier.

“Nedzu,” he says and Aizawa has to hold back a groan. Of course he did. At least All Might wasn’t the only one at the school to blame. “Chiyo. Mirai did. Detective Tsukauchi and young Bakugou.”

Aizawa nearly chokes on his own spit.

“Bakugou?”

“He’s been helping Midoriya train,” All Might says and… yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Aizawa can probably put a date on exactly when Bakugou learned.

“The after-hours fight?”

All Might nods and there’s a smile in his eyes.

Of course.

“He respects you,” All Might says. “It’s one of the reasons why he didn’t tell you. Not just because I asked him to keep my secret, but I suspect he didn’t want to influence how you saw him. From my time knowing him, he hasn’t shown the least interest in fame or admiration. He wants to be the best, but not for the title. He wouldn’t want you to judge him based on my quirk.”

“He’s going to have serious issues,” Aizawa says and All Might coughs, spitting blood. Aizawa doesn’t let go of his glare. “You gave a quirkless child the perhaps the most powerful quirk in the world and asked him to carry on your legacy. These kids are under enough pressure at school.”

All Might had the good sense to look ashamed but then he smiled.

“I know it’s unfair to ask it of Midoriya,” he says. “And, to be truthful, part of keeping the quirk a secret is so that he doesn’t have to carry on my legacy.” All Might’s eyes twinkle and Aizawa doesn’t know if it’s tears or just how he looks when he’s inspired. He’d believe either. “When I gifted young Midoriya my quirk, it was to give a quirkless child a chance to achieve his dreams. He was never supposed to face All For One. I thought I had ended that monster. On my life, I thought he was gone.”

It was the closest to hatred Aizawa had ever seen from All Might. The tone of his voice, while still constrained, seethed something Aizawa never heard from the hero. He couldn't tell if it was directed at the villain or the hero himself.

Shouta sighs, his head pounding with this new information. Not just that Midoriya was supposed to face this horrible threat but that Bakugou knew about it and that, perhaps, some of the other students. He wasn’t even focusing on Todoroki yet and all the news about his life out there.

“It’s not my business,” he says.

“I’m respecting Midoriya’s wishes,” All Might says. “He wants you to know. And I’m glad you do. Without you, I can’t imagine what would’ve happened to him.”

What would’ve happened to Midoriya? It was Midoriya, Bakugou and Todoroki who had saved Aizawa in the fight. For all the pro heroes there that day, those three showed up and beat the villain back. He could scold them. But when had that worked before? And, as he was currently down a leg and eye, he couldn’t fault them.

Even when it was Midoriya who, after identifying the threat, had run and led the villain away from civilians. While he could scold Midoriya for returning to the fight, Aizawa would be dead if the boy hadn’t returned. How do you explain that to an up-and-coming hero sworn to protect others?

Even so, all three of them had gotten so close to unlucky. That’s what it was, really. He could preach all he wanted about talent and skill. But in the end, sometimes it was pure luck. Sometimes, it was just him who got picked up over another hero and that’s how he’d survive. Sometimes it’s self-sacrifice, sometimes it’s just luck. Sometimes he thinks-

“Aizawa?”

Shouto looked up, unaware how long had passed since their last exchange. He couldn’t remember the last thing they spoke about.

“I suppose I should let you rest.” All Might moves to leave.

“All Might,” Aizawa says, then corrects himself. “Toshinori. Thank you for telling me. I’ll teach him everything I know.”

He doesn’t think he sounds desperate, he hopes he doesn’t. He doesn’t know why his heart is beating so fast. He doesn’t understand why he’s suddenly so upset.

But All Might, Toshinori, gives him a small, soft and warm smile and nods.

“I wouldn’t trust him to anyone else,” All Might, former number one hero, says. He leaves the room.

Aizawa doesn’t know why the room is spinning. He doesn’t hear when Hizachi comes back. He hears his ridiculous excuse of a joke bring him back to the present and settles back in.

#shouta aizawa #eraserhead #all might #yagi toshinori #bnha #bnha fanfic #drabble #manga spoilers

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dolphin-enthusiast · 4 years

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Hey bro, I hope you're doing well🥺💖 if your hcs are open, could you do hcs with bucci gang and a s/o getting catcalled/street harassed (only if this is not a trigger for you obviously)? I am upset 🙂🙂🙂...ANYWAy I love you sOoo much Morgane

This is extremely late my apologies but dw I don’t mind writing for sensitive topics such as this one!!! Behavior like this absolutely enrages me and you have all the rights to be upset because it’s fuckin vile. It goes without saying but tw harassment yadda yadda.

Bruno:

- He’s usually freakishly good at masking his true feelings and overall keeping his calm under pressure, but if he were to actually witness you getting catcalled he’s going to go lowkey sicko mode. His motherly/protective instincts kick in and he’s instantly death glaring the person who dared wrong you like that right on his weary watch. Honestly he’d feel like throwing a fit even if it didn’t happen before his very eyes. No, he’d be EVEN more enraged if you’d just come home one day and tell him that since he wasn’t there to intervene.

- At this point he doesn’t even have to do much, all that it takes is for Bruno to shoot said person a quick murderous glare then tell them to beat it and they’ll instantly fuck off not even 2 seconds later. After they are out of scene, he flips back to his usual calm and polite self (the d u a l i t y of man) as he proceeds to check up on you by asking if that asshole’s words managed to get to you. Hell, this man is going to be comforting you for hours and wouldn’t let go of you unless you were absolutely certain you were feeling at least just a little better.

- No matter your response, Bruno is going to pull you into his arms and firmly let you know that he’ll never let anyone hurt you. As long as he lives and he’s by your side he’s going to fight whoever dares to bother you, you have his absolute word for it. Normally he’d at first try solving the issue through diplomatic means but there’s just something about catcalling that utterly enrages him and makes him lose control for a few seconds, let alone if it’s his partner we’re talking about. Tl;dr: dont fucking make the mistake of wronging his s/o, he’ll fucking end you.

Giorno:

- Just like Bruno, but 3 times more menacing if that’s even possible. If Bruno managed to hold himself back just a bit and didn’t let his anger COMPLETELY consume him in that moment, our dear aries right here is quite the opposite. Sure it’s not like he’s going to throw said person into a death loop of despair (although that’s the first thing that would cross his mind), but in that second Gio wouldn’t really be able to mask his emotions like he usually does.

- If it happened before his eyes, that person is as good as dead. He merely steps in between you two, hooks an arm around your waist and “kindly” asks said person to repeat themselves since he’s not sure whether he heard them correctly or not the first time. At this point the person in question would already be getting lowkey uneasy since Gio’s aura and overall presence would be goddamn menacing, and so they’d be beating it in due time after he throws them a cold glare and tells them to never speak to you in this way ever again.

- Akin to Bruno, he’d revert back to his usual calm self right after that asshole leaves then ever so gently he’d check up on you and tell you that you should ignore their dirty, meaningless words and that he’ll be there to protect you always. That day Gio would try his best at keeping you preoccupied and cheering you up since he wouldn’t want you to think of this experience again. He’d put on an unbothered mask for you but deep down he’d still be fuming at the thought of another person just...insulting someone like that. Not only a random someone, but HIS beloved.

Abbacchio:

- Straight up shoves his fist in front of their face, I ain’t even joking. The second he hears them whistling and saying some dumb dirty shit he’s instantly walking over to them whilst seeing fucking red and asking if they have a problem with HIS partner. As said person would desperately try explaining themselves, Abbacchio would merely scowl then threaten to beat the fuck out of them if they don’t fuck outta here in the next 3 seconds.

- He’d be highkey scary threatening that person like that but would then try calming himself down in order to be able to actually think rationally again and check up on you. By the time he’d walk over you and grab your shoulders whilst asking if you’re alright, poor Abba would still be breathing heavily, his cheeks tinted red from the previous intense anger episode. He’d immediately escort you away from the place where the harassment happened as he’d keep reassuring you that you’re safe now with him here.

- That day Abba would keep replaying that episode inside his head over and over because he simply cannot understand how someone could just speak to a stranger in such a horrible way, and the thought of you getting insulted like that is enough to send him into a fit of anger, let alone if you were actually touched by said person. He’s absolutely ready to square up for you 25/8 and, although he’s not the best with words, he’s going to make sure that you’re feeling better and would keep cuddling and comforting you for as long as you need in an attempt to make you forget about the incident.

Mista:

- Makes a damn scene and rightfully so. He’s already a very touchy guy even in public, so the fact that the person in question clearly saw the both of you together and STILL decided to hit on you absolutely enrages him. Hell, even if you were alone what do they think gives them the right to talk to someone else like that??? Mista cannot wrap his head around it and at this point he doesn’t even try to anymore, he’s full on f u m i n g. He already took on some fuckers that were harassing a poor woman in the past and will gladly do it again for his partner.

- Whether he was there when it happened or not, you bet your ass that Mista is going to go on a rant and insult that person’s entire bloodline, mostly using italian curse words of course. He’d hate himself for not being there to properly protect you if it happened when you were alone, but if we’re talking about him actually WITNESSING that scene then it’s game fucking o v e r. Mista would just go like “O I” then waltz towards that rude ass with his fist clenched and brows tightly knitted together in sheer anger. He’d be screaming his ass off at that person telling them to never get near you again, calling them out on their bs right in front of everyone else on the damn street.

- He wouldn’t be afraid to legit fight them whilst everyone was watching either so you’d most likely have to drag his ass away from there or else he’d end up fucking killing them or something. Mista would need some time to come down from his rage episode but when he does he’s going to be apologizing over and over for his outburst, quite literally crushing you into his arms afterwards and trying not to fucking cry whilst telling you how much he loves you and how he’s going to beat up anyone else that tries wronging you like that again. Expect him to be EVEN more clingy than usual for the next few hours as well since he can get v e r y protective over you.

Fugo:

- As expected, probably the one that erupts the worst. If you thought Mista and Abbacchio threw a scene honey you ain’t seen s h i t. The second he hears that person call out to you in an insulting way he’s violently whipping his head around towards them, his jaw clenched and hands trembling with anger. In that second said person knows they F U C K E D U P because Fugo starts screaming his ass off and calling them all sorts of colorful insults.

- Just like in Mista’s case you’d have to hold him down or else he can and WILL kill them. Fugo has absolutely 0 patience and regard for people that do this also because of personal reasons, so it would almost be ptsd inducing for the poor man. Not only would he be utterly enraged with such behavior directed at a total stranger (who also happened to be his beloved mind you), but it would also remind him of some past experiences he wished he could forget.

- Afterwards Fugo will be unusually clingy and significantly more open with his feelings, telling you over and over how he’ll stop at nothing to protect you and constantly expressing his love for you through gentle touches and soft words. He’s normally extremely shy when it comes to showing affection, but after this he’d feel an overwhelming need to be there for you and comfort you through your distress, swearing that he’ll protect you no matter what and that you shouldn’t care for such heinous comments coming from an uneducated rude ass.

Narancia:

- At first is flabbergasted and tries to process what that person just said. Did he hear that right?? Are they really serious?? Did they really just dare to mess with Y O U???? That’s it, Narancia is angrily stomping towards the scene, throwing an arm around your shoulders whilst straight up bullying your harasser for their disgusting behavior. Now if said person tries mocking him that would be their last mistake because Narancia can and WILL throw goddamn fists regardless of who’s watching.

- He’ll tell off anyone that bothered you then smother you in hugs and spoil you with anything you wanted in an attempt to cheer you up. He’s also a surprisingly good listener so you can pretty much pour your heart out at him for he will sit through it all then proceed to comfort and hug you plenty. He may be smol but Narancia has no fear of fighting for his close ones, so he’ll let you know that whenever someone else starts bs you should immediately call him.

- He doesn’t like dwelling in the negative feelings and will instruct you on doing the same. Basically, he’ll try getting your mind off of things to the best of his abilities and is going to constantly be encouraging and reassuring you. Narancia is pretty much a walking serotonin machine who will be your emotional support human as well as your “bodyguard” because he really likes to pride himself in protecting and keeping you safe.

#JoJo's Bizarre Adventure #Jojo no Kimyou na Bouken #Vento Aureo #bucci gang #jojo headcanons #headcanons #anon #tw

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himbowelsh · 4 years

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You can totally ignore this if you want but I could I request some sad headcanons about the guys. Like how they deal with ptsd or insecurities or traumatic childhood incidents.

Richard Winters

dick isn’t emotionally open in general. he keeps things in. that’s how he was raised, how he’s grown up, and the only way he really knows how to cope with things. talking about his feelings... is uncomfortable.

that said, he processes them well. dick doesn’t let negative emotions fester. he finds releases for them, either through doing things he enjoys or spending time around his loved ones. he’s not the sort of person to linger on things.

will definitely overwork himself when his mind is in a troubled place. being productive helps him so much. focusing on things he can control, things that need to get done... sure, he’s going to bed at 3am, but it’s not because he’s upset, it’s because he was working.

doesn’t... like being alone when things are on his mind. it’s too easy to get sucked in, for those loud thoughts to drown everything else out. being around other people... not sharing, but just not being alone... it helps.

Lewis Nixon

*summon the folger’s theme song* the best part of waking up... is an obscene amount of high-shelf liquor in your cup!!

hey, it’s nine o’clock... in the morning.

literally. nix is of the opinion that if you can’t drink the bad thoughts away, then they’re not worth thinking at all. the thing is, his brain summons them anyways, because brains are awful like that.

he’s got a lot of trauma!! so much trauma!! his childhood was miserable, his family’s the worst, he feels like a disappointment and has no desire to try to prove himself to parents whose love was questionable from the day he was born...

lots of insecurities too. can you tell?

he won’t talk about any of it unless he’s really, really drunk, with someone he counts among his closest friends. then sometimes the negativity just rushes out. he can’t help it, and it gets ugly.

otherwise, he broods, he holds it all in, and he drinks. would he benefit from therapy? yes, absolutely, but alcoholism tastes so much better.

Carwood Lipton

this is a healthy man right here

he copes with things. lip has interests, outlets he can channel his frustrations into, and the ability to rationalize things internally and get them off his chest. most things don’t weigh on him for long, because he’s got those sweet coping skills.

this isn’t even angsty. he doesn’t have a lot of emotional angst. he works through things, mostly by processing them on his own --- but if something’s really weighing on him, lip will turn to his most trusted person (his mother gives great advice) for an outlet.

Ron Speirs

heh heh. ohhhh boy.

he’s... he’s speirs, okay. he’s not gonna open up and talk about what’s bothering him, because that’s his business, and no one else needs to know.

ron... gets impulsive. reckless. places less regard on his own life. he’ll do obscenely risky things because he’s kind of an adrenaline junkie; that burst of danger actually helps him cope with what’s bothering him. at least, it gives him a good reason to keep going.

he retreats into himself when it comes to anything emotional. broods a little, but if anyone asks what’s on his mind, he won’t say a word.

“well, we’re all on a steady march towards death anyways, does anything really matter? no. i’m already dead so nothing has any consequences. yeet.”

jesus christ, get this man some therapy.

Harry Welsh

talks it out. literally, he’s just... gonna share things. he’ll literally just do that.

harry sometimes can be an oversharer, but he never really learned to put a filter on his emotions. it helps that he’s sort of the “water off a duck’s back” type of person; he doesn’t take a lot of things personally, so when he does need to rant about something, it’s usually big. he turns to his loved ones, because he trusts them, and usually they can help.

but it is kind of weird for guys like nixon and winters, whose life mottos are “i’ll keep all of my emotions right here and then someday i’ll die”, to hear harry be like “I’M UPSET TODAY AND HERE’S WHY”. like... he really doesn’t care who knows what’s going on in his soul, huh? he’s really able to open up like that.

(harry is the most emotionally healthy man here, good for him)

Buck Compton

it’s called impostor syndrome, and buck has it.

he’s a confident guy, but under the surface, has insecurity in spades --- he feels like he has a lot to live up to, and doesn’t believe he’s doing everything well enough. he’s supposed to be exceptional, and that’s a heavy burden to bear. there’ll be a part of him that’s always going to feel like he’s not good enough.

like... he seriously doesn’t know quite where to begin when processing negative emotions, because he feels like he should be able to deal with them himself. his first instinct isn’t to talk it out, or seek out positive outlets; he keeps it all inside because he feels he can handle it.

don’t get me wrong, buck handles things well --- he’s resilient. but every so often, the emotions just get so overwhelming, and boil up like a toxic spill inside of him; it can get overwhelming.

Eugene Roe

conceal don’t feel buddy

look, gene... never acquired coping skills growing up. it wasn’t anyone’s first priority, and he had too many sisters monopolizing his mother’s time. as a kid, gene had genuine anger issues, and would get into trouble often, because he just... didn’t know how to deal with what he was feeling.

his grandmother was the one who stepped in and taught him how to pray. that’s the closest thing gene has to comfort; he is quietly devout, and turns to god in his darkest moments when desperate for some guidance. if he can’t talk to anyone else about what he’s feeling --- and he usually prefers not to --- he can speak freely to god.

but god can’t help him shoulder his burdens. genuinely, gene just needs to learn to open up and share. keeping everything bottled up... is not good for him.

George Luz

laugh the pain away, until you no longer can.

people assume george luz processes his emotions in a healthy way. these people are incorrect. his “fake it til you make it approach” isn’t the worst, but 9/10 therapists would not recommend. (the 10th is luz, doing his best impression of a therapist.)

he laughs things off. it’s easier than to do that than to let people in. george hates burdening others with his feelings. he’s got a natural talent for keeping peoples’ spirits up, so bringing them down with him is... a frightening idea. it feels like failure.

for the most part, george is good at keeping things in and processing them internally. if something’s really bothering him, people close can tell --- he hardly smiles, and his jokes aren’t as funny as they are dark --- but he’s usually able to recover without any help. he’s good at dealing with things on his own.

he tries not to drink too much, because if he gets really really drunk, he loses his grip. then it can all come spilling out, in a big messy wave of feelings, and he’d prefer to avoid that at all costs.

oh gosh, there’s this amazing fic that actually centers around babe and roe dealing with their problems, but there’s this one scene with luz, and it breaks me

Joe Toye

in a word? not well.

joe dealing with things... is not a pretty picture. he prefers to not deal with things, to be honest, because it’s easier to pretend all the emotional shit doesn’t exist and just push it down until he can’t feel it anymore. sometimes it even works.

truth is, joe has a lot of insecurities, and really struggles to deal with them. they plague him]... and while he can channel some of it into anger (there’s a reason my modern!toye takes up kickboxing) a lot of it just gets sent straight to depression central.

it’s not something he talks about easily, either. he wasn’t raised in an environment that encouraged men talking about their feelings; joe comes from a tough irish family where everyone, especially the men, are supposed to keep a stern face and power through. he’s only able to opens up to a few trusted people (malarkey, maybe guarnere, maybe luz). when the emotions reach a boiling point... they don’t have anywhere to go. they feel like they’re going to consume him.

he’s contemplated some dark things before, and it’s not something he’s proud of.

Bill Guarnere

what the hell is this man even made of???

bill takes all his negative emotions and converts them into fuel. every tear his body forces him to shed adds an extra year to his life.

he’s incredibly resilient, and can power through pretty much anything. losing his leg didn’t take him out for long; sure, it was a blow, but he bounced back from it as strong as ever. losing his brother was agonizing (worse than the leg, honestly) and it made bill furious --- but that fury kept him going, and kept him alive. he reacts to grief by turning it into anger, and once that anger dulls it’s just raw energy keeping him moving.

bill copes by being around people. honestly --- just put him in a room with his best friends and his problems gradually fade out. it’s not like he bares his soul to them; he just needs to be around friends, enjoying life. their presence helps him work through things better than any therapist.

(peak extrovert energy omg)

Babe Heffron

just like bill, babe also recovers by being around his favorite people.

he draws energy from them; it’s like he’s low on cash, so he asks his buddies for a few dollars, but in this case it’s emotional stability. babe just copes better around other people.

left alone with his own thoughts... things can get messy.

this man doesn’t do well with being alone in general --- he feels isolated, almost forgotten, and will seek out the nearest person just to chase those dark feelings away. when babe’s struggling with something, he also struggles with how to deal with it. the emotions are like a pot bubbling over inside of him, and he’s fighting to make sense of them all. he can’t do that alone.

he has to express himself to someone. ideally someone he trusts, but it might just end up being whoever’s available, or whoever’s nearby. his dark emotions are very potent, and very painful; it takes a while for him to be free of them completely, but having someone else help make sense of them (or just offer reassurance) helps.

he’s a crier. he’s not proud of it, but when babe’s really at his brink, he cries. it’s an ugly sight.

Shifty Powers

just freaking... goes off into the wilderness.

no, literally. shifty needs some quiet time. when he’s struggling, he’ll take his gun, take his car, and vanish for a while. (that sounds... worse than it is. shifty’s not the kind of person to consider hurting himself.) he just disappears into the woods.

the longest he’s ever been gone was two whole days... but he always returns with a clear head, willing to talk things out.

Joe Liebgott

he just... straight up doesn’t, man. he doesn’t deal with shit. he pushes it aside, forces it back --- it’s not exactly repression, because the Bad Stuff is always there on the outskirts of his mind at all times, lieb just actively chooses not to deal with it.

(he’ll pick any fight except the ones in his own head.)

you’ve got to understand, he’s had his share of trauma. he didn’t have an easy go of it before the war, and definitely not during. liebgott collects emotional baggage like baseball cards, and at this point he’s got a full set.

if he can run from the emotions, he will. this leads him to self-isolate, cutting himself off from the people who might be able to help; he doesn’t want to share all the negative emotions, because he doesn’t know how. at his worst, he also tends to lash out, and... other people don’t have to deal with that, okay?

joe will put off dealing with things for as long as possible, and never truly deal with them at all.

David Kenyon Webster

writing is literally his therapy. putting his emotions down on paper helps. formulating them into words is like a release, and having them laid out in front of him, where he can analyze it all lets him look at the problem objectively. webster writes just to get things out... sometimes because he can’t bear to hold it all inside any longer.

he also loves sailing, partly because of how freeing it is to be out on the open water. he’s completely in control of his boat, and can go anywhere, anywhere in the world --- if he wanted, he could leave everything behind. the notion is tantalizing.

webster really isn’t open about his negative feelings with others. when it’s something personal... it takes a lot for him to open up, and he’d have to trust that person implicitly. a part of him feels that baring his emotions is just an invitation to be mocked, so he’s hesitant.

at least he processes them. he’s not tormented by things, because he’s got his releases --- writing, and sailing. if the mind is a prison, they set him free.

Donald Malarkey

catch malarkey right there in that kickboxing class with joe toye

look. don feels things deeply, and takes things personally. he can’t help it. he doesn’t let go of things; if he’s been hurt badly, it’s an open wound on his soul forever, and it never heals.

he’s never a wreck. like, he’s perfectly able to function, and has a unique ability to power through even in the darkest moments... but those shadows are always there, and they weigh on him. they smother him. he can never really escape.

tends to avoid the topics which hurt him; when they come up, he can get testy --- or worse, teary!! --- and that’s not something he wants to burden anyone else with. his greatest hurts are very private things to him, and he doesn’t want the people he cares about affected by them.

Skip Muck

skip channels his bad feelings into energy, and that energy needs to find its way out.

he’ll play guitar and sing along really aggressively. he’ll deep-clean the entire house. he’ll run just to feel the burn in his lungs, the ache in his limbs, until he’s too worn out to feel anything but exhaustion.

honestly, he gets a little manic when something’s bothering him. he needs to chill.

skip is... more willing than most to talk things out, so long as he has someone he trusts. it’s not too hard for him to open up, he just needs to be able to open up to the right people. his sister is a frequent confidant, as are malarkey and penkala. skip doesn’t like many people seeing the darker side of him, but being able to talk about his feelings helps immensely.

Ralph Spina

genuinely... doesn’t have any baggage.

no childhood trauma. no agonizing breakup story or betrayals. no emotional damage whatsoever. and when something is bothering him, his instinct is to just talk it out, and then it’s done. this man sleeps like a baby.

it’s freaky.

#eat up that sweet sweet emotional trauma #band of brothers #headcanons #tw depression #tw self-harm

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xbaebsae · 4 years

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OTP Questions

Tagged by @f0xyboxes , @dieguzguz, @nightwingshero, @deputyrhiannonhale and @returnofthepd3 thanks for thinking of me sweethearts♥

(art by minilev)

Rheese Bennett & Jacob Seed (idk if anyone even reads these except me but under cut because long post)

DISAGREEMENTS

Who is more likely to raise their voice? Jacob. Now don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t loose his cool all that easy but Rheese can be a pain sometimes and he lacks the patience.

Who threatens to leave but never actually does? Neither of them.

Who actually keeps their word and leaves? This is actually what Rheese does when they break up about three months before the game. He finally is too deluded by Joseph’s demands of him that she cannot get through to him anymore and keep him from hurting people. They have a pretty bad fight about him torturing people that ends with him actually slapping her with the intention of making her shut up because she wouldn’t stop arguing against him. She gives him one moment to apologize for that, but he doesn’t so she leaves :’)

Who trashes the house? They frequently throw things at each other.

Do either of them get physical? Depends on when. Jacob pushes her around sometimes or touches her pretty roughly when he suffers from the effects of his PTSD. No domestic violence though. They also land real blows in training fights, same level bad on both sides really.

It’s worse during the arrest when they aren’t together anymore. Jacob was pretty devastated when he realized she actually left for good (he interpreted ‘i am leaving’ as her going home). It resulted in a lot of self blame (justified) which his family couldn’t really deal with. Joseph convinced him in the end that she was just another test he had to overcome in his life to find his correct path. So, he pretty much behaves just like he does in-game. She doesn’t get special treatment, she gets starved and thrown into murder trials like everyone else.

How often do they argue/disagree? Pretty often. In the beginning it’s all they do, until they realize that having normal conversations every once in a while isn’t so bad actually.

Who is the first to apologize? Apologies are for the weak :)

SEX

Who is on top? Jacob

Who is on the bottom? Rheese (though she won’t admit it if you asked her)

Who has the strangest desires? It’s nothing very strange tbh (at least not by my definition of strange... god i’ve seen ... things on deviantart. Definetly none of that!)

Any kinks? Yeah, the perfect combo of wanting to feel powerless and wanting to feel in control. It complies with their character really. Rheese was forced to take care of herself ever since her teen years, which developed her into a pretty tough person. She likes the control she has over her life, and doesn’t let herself be pushed around by anyone. Feeling stripped of that control is however really exciting for her. Jacob’s kinda the other way around (imo anyway) in that he’s constantly following orders nevermind when or where, even within his own family (to not disappoint Joseph).

Who’s dominant in bed? Jacob, Rheese only if he forces her to be :)

Is head ever in the equation? Yes

If so, who is better at performing it? Rheese. Slightly unfair though because she’s simply worse on the receiving end.

Ever had sex in public? Yeah, much to her dismay.

Who moans the most? Rheese

Who leaves the most marks? Both do in different ways.

Who is the more experienced of the two? Jacob

Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? Even the nastiest sex is ‘making love’ to them really. It’s frankly a form of talking to them because they both truly suck at verbal communication. Also, Rheese has the old fashioned rule in her life that she won’t sleep with people she isn’t sure about, so before actually being together they don’t have sex. Tho she’s close to breaking that rule multiple times.

Rough or soft? Rough, sometimes foreplay is soft.

How long do they usually last? Depends on time and mood. Also Rheese is a lot younger so she sometimes could go again when he can’t. However that doesn’t mean he gets the best of her sometimes :’)

Is protection used? Yes on her side

Does it ever get boring? No

Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? Some small cabin at the place they train Judges. It was kinky, they got caught and she prefers to just not talk about it ever again.

FAMILY

Do they plan on having children/or have children? No, they never wanted to. Their daughter Jaina was an unwanted accident.

If so, how many children do they want/have? They have 1 and that’s already more than they wanted.

AFFECTION

Who likes to cuddle? Rheese

Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? Jacob usually. But sometimes she’s good at it as well.

Who struggles to keep their hands to themself? Jacob, and it bothers her a lot in public. He doesn’t really care about what his people think of him, he knows he’s the boss so they can’t say shit. It’s also a way of just showing off that she belongs to him and that’s exactly why she doesn’t like it, cause she ain’t property. Also, people might believe she only became a Chosen trainer because she fucks the boss, which isn’t true because she got that position from someone other than Jake, based entirely on her performance.

How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? Until Rheese falls into deep sleep and starts spreading her limbs everywhere uncontrolably.

Who gives the most kisses? Jacob

What is their favourite non-sexual activity? Honestly, just existing next to each other is enough. They are just as happy just sitting in the same room, doing their own tasks, as they are going out for a fishing trip (actually she hates fishing, but the lakes are nice).

Where is their favourite place to cuddle? The bed

How often do they get time to themselves? Usually evenings and nights. They would have more time together if Rheese didn’t value her alone time. Sometimes she prefers to spend her days off alone, going on a ride through the forests or just relaxing without anybody around. He doesn’t quite approve of that but she doesn’t let herself be locked up.

SLEEPING

Who snores? None of them

If both do, who snores the loudest? Nobody

Do they share a bed or sleep separately? Share a bed when living together.

If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? Usually fall asleep cuddling but where they end up is entirely up to chance.

What do they wear to bed? Underwear usually. Though t-shirts along with that in the beginning.

Are either of them insomniacs? Jake has trouble sleeping and often wakes up. Her presence helps him but she’s not a magic sleeping pill so the issue never fully disappears.

Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? Nah

Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? Usually the first, when it’s too hot the latter.

Who wakes up with bed hair? Both. Rheese loves his messy hair, especially after she bullied him enough into letting it grow a bit. He however calls her hay-head, because her hair gets all tangled up and poofy despite being tied into a braid.

Who wakes up first? He does, good luck getting her outta bed before 10.

Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? Nobody does, they aren’t romantic.

What is their favourite sleeping position? Rheese digging her face in the space between his neck and shoulders while one leg and one arm hugs him and he has an arm around her.

Do they set an alarm each night? When there’s work the next day.

Can a television be found in their bedroom? No, though she sometimes uses his laptop to watch movies.

Who has nightmares? Jacob has real ones, Rheese only the occasional bad dream we all get sometimes.

Who has ridiculous dreams? She dreams demented shit sometimes, never talks about it though.

Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? Rheese, she’s a restless sleeper. Got kicked out of the bed for it more than once.

Who makes the bed? Neither of them. They don’t care about it being untidy.

What time is bed time? Depends. Usually Rheese stays awake longer to finish watching movies.

Any routines/rituals before bed? Nothing special, sometimes talking, sometimes a movie, sometimes sex, sometimes just hugging in silence.

Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? Jake, esp when she talks too much in the morning.

WORK

Who is the busiest? They both are pretty equally busy.

Who rakes in the highest income? It doesn’t really matter to them. The cult pays food and since they don’t care much about materialism, they don’t need much money.

Are any of them unemployed? They have their job in the cult. Rheese works as a deputy before and after her stay there. so no.

Who takes the most sick days? Neither really take any unless they are really so sick they can’t move. It’s an unhealthy work ethic but they feel useless when just lying in bed all day.

Who is more likely to turn up late to work? Jake didn’t before, but he sometimes does because of her in the morning. Not that he really minds though, who’s gonna say anything against him?

Who sucks up to their boss? Jacob in regards to Joseph, which Rheese thinks is very unhealthy. She doesn’t like how he lets himself be used so much and mostly blindly follows whatever his brother says. They have a lot of arguments about this and in the end it’s what ruins their relationship.

What are their jobs? He’s head of security at Eden’s Gate. She’s a deputy, then pseudo joins the cult and works herself up to become a trainer of the Chosen, then she returns to her deputy position for the arrest.

Who stresses the most? He does

Do they enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? Police work wasn’t her passion. It was just a career she thought wouldn’t be boring. No noble motives and such. She only reprises her role as the deputy for the arrest because she falsely blames herself for everyone who’s been hurt by Jake’s hands after she left him. Her return is based on her trying to redeem herself. She had fun training Chosen, but she wouldn’t want to be part of any torture cult.

Jacob barely has any opinion on his work. He believes what he does is what needs to be done and he’s the best suited person for the job. You won’t find him complain, though he secretly just wants peace in his life. He hopes the cult’s actions will ultimately lead to that.

Are they financially stable? They have enough.

HOME

Who does the washing? Neither until one of them is fed up with the pile in the sink or the lack of clean plates in the shelf.

Who takes out the trash? Usually Rheese is bothered by it first.

Who does the ironing? They don’t

Who does the cooking? She makes good pancakes. But other than that? Don’t allow her in the kitchen because she can’t cook for shit. He can cook a couple of things but is often simply too lazy to ‘play housewife’ so their dinners often consist of very simplistic things. Occasionally one of them will bring home takeout.

Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? Rheese, just...keep her out of the kitchen.

Who is messier? Both pretty much. His place is a mess and she isn’t bothered by it because her apartment looked the same.

Who leaves the toilet roll empty? Jake, to annoy her.

Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? They both just throw them wherever.

Who forgets to flush the toilet? Jake, again to annoy her. (her ‘ewww you’re fucking nasty’ face is really entertaining)

Who is the prankster around the house? Neither, they diss each other a lot, sometimes joke on the other’s cost but no deliberate pranks.

Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? Doesn’t really happen.

Who mows the lawn? No lawn

Who answers the telephone? They answer their own cells respectively. He refuses to get a smartphone.

Who does the vacuuming? They don’t own a vacuum cleaner. Only a broom and a mop.

Who does the groceries? Usually he does.

Who takes the longest to shower? Rheese, she enjoys the feel of hot water on her skin.

Who spends the most time in the bathroom? Not much difference there. Rheese doesn’t bother anymore with any routines and such after Jake told her he hates when she wears makeup because it makes his hands sticky when he touches her face :’) Though sometimes she will still put eyeliner out of habit.

MISCELLANEOUS

Is money a problem? No, they don’t need much.

How many cars do they own? Jake own an old truck and a motorcycle, Rheese used to have a car but sold it. She prefers riding on her horse Nugget anyway.

Do they own their home or do they rent? She had an apartment in Missoula before ‘joining’. Then she lived at Stone Ridge for a while, then she moved in with him to his place. A tiny cabin far up a mountain at the far outside of the region.

Do they live in the city or in the country? Country

Do they enjoy their surroundings? Yes, especially the forests.

What’s their song? You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi

What do they do when they’re away from each other? Working, doing their own thing, living. He’s more possessive about her than she is about it. But they both function normally when not being together.

Where did they first meet? Technically at the church during her very first sermon to ‘join’ the project. But they only interacted about a week later when he’s supposed to bring her to her initiation at John’s place. They immediately hate each other :’)

Who spends the most money when out shopping? Whoever does the grocery shopping? They both aren’t big on other shopping trips.

Who’s more likely to flash their assets? She’s not very show off-y. Jacob likes showing she ‘belongs to him’.

Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? Both

Any mental issues? Rheese doesn’t really, she lost her parents and her family is extremely distant but it never gave her trauma.

Jacob still deals with the aftermath of war esp. His PTSD gets bad sometimes and he has sleeping issues.

Who’s terrified of bugs? She is afraid of spiders, and would appreciate if he killed them when they are in the house. But usually he ends up throwing them at her and tells her it’s therapy to defeat her fears.

Who kills the spiders around the house? Neither, see above

Their favourite place? A small lake behind a mountain near his cabin.

Who pays the bills? The cult

Do they have any fears for their future? Yeah, they are very conflicted about it. Neither of them know where it all leads and their differences (esp the age one) is an issue at times.

Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? They don’t really do that.

Who’s the tallest? He’s 6'1, she is 5'2. He constantly calls her ‘Shorty’, not in any endearing cute nickname way, but purely to mock her height.

Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? Happens with both of them frequently. Tho Jacob is more prone to this because he showers less on his own. So when she’s in there he’s often like ‘might as well join’.

Who wanders around in their underwear? Rheese starts this trend which he really doesn’t complain about. She also argues that it makes sense because then there will be less laundry to take care of. Can’t really argue with that really.

Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? She does, very very badly cause she can’t sing.

What do they tease each other about? Her short height and his age. Always.

Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? Doesn’t really happen but he does judge her Power Rangers T-shirt she wears for sleeping.

Who crushed first? They both kinda did. They blamed it on physical attraction at first, which made Rheese mad because he wasn’t her type. It takes them a couple of months to actually admit they might eventually possibly perhaps maybe have feelings for one another :)

Any alcohol or substance related problems? Not really

Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? Rheese does once, and another time they do it together.

Who swears the most? Jacob, though she’s pretty good at it too.

Tagging @joeyhxdson @fadedjacket @shallow-gravy @chazz-anova @ja-crispea if you want to. Idk who did this by the time this gets posted.

#tag games #deputy rheese anne bennett #sched

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years

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Survey #301

“i was waiting for my chance to find the light”

Did you like the beach a lot more as a kid more than you do now? Why/Why not? I did. Everything was more fun as a kid. I never REALLY loved it, though, because I did and still do hate the heat and walking through sand and getting it stuck all over you. It's pretty much torture now because I have extreme difficulty walking through sand. Has there ever been a time where you just couldn't stop crying? Explain. I know I've had days many years ago when my PTSD was truly awful where I'd sob multiple times a day. What's your least favorite time of day? Why don't you like that time?Late afternoon, like around 3-4 or so. By that point I'm usually bored senseless and going downhill. Do you like your lips? Do you enjoy kissing? They're fine, ig. And I mean yeah, if I'm really into the person? Do you like any music from the American Idols? Which ones? Ngl, I don't even remember any besides Kelly Clarkson, and who the FUCK doesn't like "Breakaway." Do you like when people challenge you? If so, in what? No, I get nervous about embarrassing myself. Personally for you, is falling for someone way beyond your control? It is entirely out of my control. What's something other than a fruit that you love in milkshakes? (Ex.twix ) Mostly chocolate stuff, haha. What is your all time FAVORITE milkshake? Ever tried the Reese's Blast from Sonic? That's some A+ shit. What's the latest you've ever stayed up reading a book? No clue. When having a peanut butter & jam sandwich, what is the best kind of jam? Grape. Do you like to write poetry? Yeah, but it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I used to do it aaall the time, but now I have to be seriously motivated and dedicated to the idea. When you get mad do you cry? Absolutely. Would you ever consider modeling? No. I do think one or two model-esque photos of myself would be nice and possibly help my self-confidence, but it's not something I'm seeking out and paying for. Are you scared of crossing bridges? Not very, no. If they're kinda sketchy-looking, I might feel a tad tense, but I'm not really scared of them. Would you consider yourself clumsy? I am unfuckingbelievably clumsy. Ever bought ice cream from an ice cream truck? Yeah, sometimes Mom would let me and my sisters do that as kids when one came through our neighborhood. Have you ever had a poem or story published? No. If you had/have a kid would you ever let them get a tattoo? If they were of the appropriate age, of course. And if they were getting it done professionally and not at some party drunk with friends. They better be in a sterile environment with someone who knows what they're doing. Do you love guinea pigs? Absolutely. I had three or four as pets when I was a kid. What is the worst thing you ever did that got you grounded? Probably run away from home. Have you ever been chased by a snake? No... and this is a misconception. Snakes don't chase. They go for what they see as the safest escape route, and sometimes they identify your own chosen direction as where they wanted to head, too. Where do you wanna work? I want to be a freelance photographer. What awards have you won? A lot of "A honor roll" trophies through school, among other academic awards. I seriously don't know what happened to that intelligence. I also have dance awards and lots of childhood sports team stuff. Would you consider yourself good at taking care of kids? I don't think I am, no. I'm way too nervous and awkward around kids. I've had to babysit for my sister twice though, and Ashley told me the kids had lots of fun and had no complaints. I guess like... I can do it, I am just very, very uncomfortable taking kids under my wing. I worry about leading them in the wrong direction. How old would a guy have to be before you wouldn't date them? I don't know, it would really depend on how much I was into the person. I generally stick with the approximation of a ten year gap though being my limit, so I think maybe him being in his mid-30s would make me feel a bit too weird. Be honest, have you ever tried weed? No, but quite honestly, I'd probably try an edible. I refuse to smoke anything for my lungs' sake. I'm curious if medical marijuana would actually be beneficial for me. Has anyone ever broken up with you with a note? No, but uh... I have, lol. It's how I broke up with my "puppy-dog love" boyfriend in middle school. Literally after he asked me if I was thinking of breaking up with him, and I said no before handing him the note because I was just too scared to do it to his face. I know, that was absolutely awful. Never, ever do that to the most innocent boy ever, kids. He didn't deserve that. Do you have sensitive teeth? Kinda. What was the worst thing you ever did to get detention/suspended? I've only ever had detention once for having too many tardies to my first class of the day in high school. We'd frequently arrive to school just a few minutes late because I was fucking impossible to drag out of bed. Have you ever suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder? Yes. Do you suffer from nasal allergies? Yes. What's your favorite kind of pudding? I only really like chocolate pudding. Have you done anything really interesting lately? I guess you could consider starting a virtual partial hospitalization program "interesting." It's not the intensive version like my first was, but rather being shorter. I just really need something to get my mental health back on the tracks. What’s the latest really fun thing you’ve done? REALLY fun? Hell if I know. I don't experience "fun" a lot at all anymore... I only ever feel like, this watered down, unenthusiastic sorry excuse for it. Have you discovered any good music lately? Oh yeah, I've found lots of 3TEETH songs I'm mad into. "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli is also a total bop. How about any good new television shows? No. Or perhaps some interesting books? Nothing new, no. Have you picked up a new hobby or learned a new skill? I mean, within what timespan? Nothing lately, really. Has anybody ever done your makeup for you? Yeah. Do you own any sparkly items of clothing? No. What’s the most colorful accessory you own and use? *shrug* Do you enjoy drag artists’ work? If so, name some of your favorites. Oh yes, I have wild respect for drag queens. I don't know enough of them to have a fair favorite, but I do watch Trixie Mattel on YouTube and he is a goddamn hoot. What, right now, is the best thing in your life? Um. I don't really know. Probably the fact my mother still lets my too-big-for-the-nest ass to live with her... I don't want to picture how my life would be if I didn't have her still essentially holding my hand. What’s a place you like to go to when you need to get away for a bit? I actually love car rides for this, so long as I can ride passenger and just blare my music and not talk. It's so odd, being afraid of driving but finding great freedom and comfort in just... going. Do you like apples? I love apples. Anything exciting coming up for you in the near future? I paid the deposit for my tattoo appointment, so it was officially scheduled in May!! I was expecting an open date to be kinda far with just how amazing this parlor is, so I wasn't too shocked to hear I have to wait a few months, but man I can hardly wait. When you get an account for something, what's the first username you try? Unless it's for a "professional" site, in which case I'd use my actual name, I just about without fail with use "Ozzkat," or replace the "o" with a zero if that's somehow taken. Would you be okay with a friend wanting to date one of your exes? Which ex? What kind of accent do people typically have where you're from? Southern. Does history interest you at all? Can't say it does. What's something you wish you could do-over? There are many things, man. Is your hair in layers or is it all the same length? Neither, really. The left side of my head is very short/shaved, and as the hair goes around to the right, it gets longer. There aren't "layers," though. Is there anyone who you're afraid to be in a car with, if they're driving? I wouldn't say afraid, but with my sister's road rage and serious tail-gating issue, riding with her can make me nervous. What's something you're very good at? Um, I guess creative writing. Do you like sour gummy worms? oh FUCK yeah Would you pick up a hitchhiker if they seemed harmless? No. I am way too paranoid for that shit. Would you be bothered if your boyfriend liked to bite you? Uhhh I'm going to assume you mean this in a sexual context, in which case I don't care so long as it's not in a visible spot. How often do you get the opportunity to be completely alone? The answer used to be a shitload, and seeing as I'm in my room most of the time, I still feel like that's kind of true, but since Mom's cancer diagnosis and she had to stop working, she's usually home with me. I like it that way, though. Total isolation is bad for me. Do you have a trampoline? Nah, haven't in many years. What's your favorite Pixar movie? Finding Nemo. What is the strangest thing you've been asked? Something sexual that made me extremely uncomfortable. What’s the weirdest thing about life that people just accept as normal? The fact we put so much worth into pieces of green paper. What's the most random thing you've done out of boredom? *shrug* What show did your parents not let you watch as a kid? There weren't any specific shows that we even wanted to watch that Mom forbade us to see... I mean she certainly wouldn't let my sisters and I watch something like South Park as little kids, but none of us really sought unsuitable shows out. We were all about Disney, Nick, and Animal Planet in my case. What is the most pleasurable feeling that doesn't involve anything sexual? What comes to mind first is a big hug from someone who makes you feel safe when you don't anywhere else. What was your last "oops, wrong person" moment? I'm going to assume I sent somebody a text meant for another person. I'm super careful about avoiding stuff like this because I get horribly embarrassed, so it's difficult to recall the last time I slipped up. What do you find attractive that isn't considered "normal" attraction? Having a broad imagination and drive to create. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done drunk? N/A What's something you really enjoy, but can't have? A pet tarantula because Mom refuses to let me lmao. I'm so into them now and desperately want a Grammastola pulchra. What Wikipedia article have you recently read? I haven't read any recently. What subject should be taught at schools, but isn't? Basic adulting and financial skills. What is the worst game you've ever played? I dunno. I've played sooooo many video games throughout my life. What tragic event was coincidentally beneficial to you? My overdose because it led to an intensive partial hospitalization program that totally changed my life. What did you think was cool when you were younger that you now think isn’t? Good question... What are your favorite or most memorable lines from any movie/show? I vaguely remember the concepts of some quotes, but not well enough to recite them. None that are seriously memorable or heavy pop up in my head now. What's a good example of 'Don't knock it till you try it'? Putting peanut butter on top of waffles with syrup. It is fucking delicious. What's your go-to get pumped up song? 5FDP's cover of "Mama Said Knock You Out" is badass HYPE. What's the dumbest thing your parents have said or done? Well, through a family assessment before my current partial hospitalization could begin, I very recently learned my dad fucking did drugs before my sisters and I were born, including shit like cocaine. That was great to suddenly learn. As for my mom... probably have a kid too young? She doesn't talk very much about her eldest daughter's history with (and without) her, but I know enough to know that was a very rocky time in her life. What are some things you wish existed? Cures for countless illnesses, and I also have SUUUUUCH a yearning for some kind of technology that could copy an image in your head onto a drawing device. If only I could draw how/what I see up there... Which person shaped you the most? Jason. Or Mom. What’s the one movie you couldn’t finish? Why? Couldn't tell you; I just haven't watched enough. What's a small thing you have a big passion for? Meerkats, quite literally with "small" lmao. What change have you made recently to help the environment? I have metal straws I try to remember to bring with me if I go out to eat. What was the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive? The way Jason left. Is there anything or anyone you're angry at, that you haven't forgiven yet? I sometimes question if I truly have forgiven Jason. I lean kinda heavily towards yes, I have, I'm just bitter about it all regardless. Have you ever plotted revenge against someone? No. Have you ever done anything to get revenge against someone? I can't think of anything off the top of my head. What is the greatest longing of your heart? To feel purpose. Who was your first love? Some guy in high school who "had" to talk to me upon seeing me the first time, only to wind up wanting to hear nothing from me later on down the line. What denomination is your church (if you go)? N/A What was the first year you voted in a presidential election? This most recent election, actually. Have you ever been afraid of the world ending? I used to worry it would happen in my lifetime, but now I don't. If it ends, it ends. I ain't got much to lose nowadays. What is unfair about your life? My mental health. My financial position. I'd rather not focus on the billion shitty things going on in my life rn, so next question. Did you write love poems when you were younger? ugh Who are you jealous of and why? There's a lot of people I'm in some way envious of, honestly. Have you ever had an account of yours hacked? Yes. Thankfully nothing major happened. Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? No.

#survey #surveys #questions #questionnaire #lyrics: ''creatures x: to the grave'' by motionless in white

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geekns · 4 years

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last night’s breakdown or...spectrum confessions

So i just wanted to saying something about the meltdown that some of you might have noticed last night (i know a couple of you did, though i think i managed to keep most of it under wraps).

I have a medical condition. It causes me to feel anxious and depressed. Constantly. To varying degrees. I take medication for it. I’ve tried to learn how to manage it. I try to hide it because the general public does not understand this condition. Furthermore, i don’t want to share the underlying trauma with anyone and everyone. I want to come across as a functioning adult as much as possible.

So even while I have spent fifteen years learning how to forgive the people who hurt me. And something like six months in therapy. And around two years being medicated...I still have occasional breakdowns.

Sometimes i still have a night where everything that i’m trying to keep copacetic, and acknowledged but not given free reign, takes over. It refuses to be medicated or meditated or prayed into compliance. It takes over me and pours out of me whether i want it or not. Suddenly i am not functioning, i am sobbing uncontrollably, and terrified, and feel guilty, and unloved, and imprisoned. And in those moments i want nothing more than to die. A part of me does not even trust myself not to harm myself. I want to be held (but am always alone). I want to protected (but never am). I am normally the person who takes care of others, no one ever takes care of me.

And i feel physically sick. Nausea, a headache, and body aches. Full body grief. Last night i was seeing flashing lights behind my eyelids as if i was having a seizure or on a bad trip. And the panic: the panic is in control, I cannot think straight. Even if i tell myself positive things, or try to use strategies for calming down, try to quiet my raging thoughts, the panic has free reign. It is in full control. And the only thing i can do is curl up in bed hugging my stuffed animal, clutching my blanket, waiting for it to end. And it won’t end until after I’ve slept it off. And I can’t sleep because I’m in fight or flight mode.

Maybe I should do some kickboxing when I get like this.

I’m going to confess, it was probably the worst it’s been in years last night. I was even trying to go to my safe place, and was kind of getting there (i usually can’t do my best safe place visualizing anymore, i think it’s the meds), but the person who normally talks me down from these things was not feeling safe last night. (His likeness was part of the reason i was freaking out tbh.) But even though i didn’t really want him there he didn’t go away, he stayed with me until i fell asleep.

I have imaginary friends sort of. Apparently they’re called tulpa? Though i don’t create or really control them, they just show up fully formed. Mostly when i’m panicking or worried. Whenever i need to talk things through that i have no one to talk to. The thing is, they always wear the likeness of real people, usually celebrities that play characters i strongly identify with. I used to get advice from Picard and Gandalf and Archer for instance. All of us sitting around a campfire on a beach. They’re always men, i don’t know why. (Hmm maybe that goes to daimons?)

For example: one time i was on a train in Japan, underground, and a drunk man started yelling at two women halfway down the car. And i had a panic attack. And suddenly i was visualizing Twelve/PC talking me down from it, telling me to breathe, that i was safe, etc. Distracting me from the danger. (Two things: i read a story about him talking another fan down from a panic attack outside a convention later. And another male passenger escorted the drunk off the train at the next stop, but i was still panicking for a while. I still had to change trains and it would take me another hour to get home for the night.)

So part of the thing is that the thoughts i usually keep under control, don’t allow myself to dwell on, acknowledge but keep muted with optimism, become deafening and take over when this happens. I think way back when it would be 1-2 times a month, then 1-2 times a quarter, and now it’s 1-2 times a year, but it still happens. I used to just let all of the darkness come pouring out, usually through writing. I’m always alone. And i suppose it’s cathartic, but it’s horrific while it’s happening. I don’t recognize myself, the girl who never gives up and is always glass is 100% full. I don’t want to let others see it even as i’m desperate to be loved and held and accepted as i am.

It’s hard to explain.

When i wake up the next morning the darkness is gone. It’s quiet again, and i feel “normal” (normal for me). It’s hold is gone. Now i always live with a baseline amount of anxiety and depression, even while medicated. If i take too much medication i can’t sleep (i’m already an insomniac, i don’t need drugs making it worse) and so i can’t feel any sexual arousal at all...it really bothers me. It’s hard enough for me to become properly aroused without suppressing it entirely. I generally have to fantasize about something very specific (which let me tell you, the majority of you wouldn’t find to be sexy at all).

When i first went on the meds i spent months where i didn’t feel anything (other than that i was suddenly very chatty and animated in a completely uncharacteristic way) and i hated it. My mom doesn’t understand, doesn’t see repressed sexuality as a downside when i’m not married.

Re: asexuality. My grandma was on the spectrum (we always joke she had sex at least four times...resulting in four kids) and my mother probably is, too. I have had two short-lived dating relationships in which my only sexual desire was to satisfy my partner really. I don’t enjoy kissing. I do have a libido that’s greater than either my mother or grandma’s...but like i said, it’s fucked up and not initiated by any of the conventional methods. Kissing doesn’t make me feel like getting down, for instance. At least in my (so far limited) experience. I keep hoping that i’m actually demi and just need to meet the right person to make this a little bit easier for me. But it will probably just be something i have to work through for the rest of my life.

Perhaps i should stipulate that I want to want to have sex. And when i do want to have sex i am always alone. And when i am with someone else the things that attract me are just odd. Being read aloud to, or talked to about nerdy things, got me farther than anything else. But it’s not the content so much as the mind that’s behind what’s being expressed.

I am certainly no expert on this subject. My therapist had never heard of demisexuality and had no input on asexuality. In other words, they were absolutely no help when it came to working through these issues, which is where I wanted to go (partially because i feel it may be tied in with my PTSD and is being repressed by fear).

Five types of attraction:

Romantic attraction: desiring a romantic relationship with someone

Aesthetic attraction: being attracted to someone based on how they look

Sensual or physical attraction: wanting to touch, hold, or cuddle someone

Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with someone

Emotional attraction: wanting an emotional connection with someone

Most of my attraction is towards fictional characters (and to a varying extent the actors who play them). Both of my RL partners would only be physically expressive in private. They wouldn’t touch me in public. Or even in private spaces with others present. There was one i didn’t really know all that well and another who had hidden a lot from me up to that point even though he claimed he didn’t believe in hiding things from the person you’re dating. And we would be physical in private to varying degrees but i was left feeling largely unfulfilled. I kind of struggle with these definitions. Both of the guys I dated i had zero aesthetic attraction to but did have physical attraction to whereas they only wanted to express themselves sexually.

I strongly desire having a romantic relationship with someone but have for a very long time only had romantic attraction for fictional characters. I fairly recently had a physical and romantic attraction to someone for the first time, at first based on sapiosexual attraction that later became aesthetic attraction (why is there no listed attraction for this? I am usually attracted to people’s minds first).

I have very strong aesthetic attraction to certain actors...and this is a large part of the reason that i know i’m bi. But it isn’t only aesthetic for really strong attraction because i am sapiosexual and also strongly attracted to damaged, often misunderstood, people/characters. Case in point: Loki and Missy. In these cases i have strong physical attraction but not sexual attraction. I cannot fathom having sex with most characters or actors or people I meet in RL. I sometimes wonder what casual sex would be like but know that i could never...

I can only remember kissing someone (also a character) in a dream once and immediately put a stop to it, not because i wasn’t attracted to that person, but because they were unavailable in my mind. They were part of an OTP that i was not in. So there’s a strong romantic component for me.

Sensual or physical attraction is actually something I fantasize about a lot but have never experienced...outside of one platonic relationship. I had a friend when I lived in Japan who I wasn’t even particularly close to. But right away she would ask me if she could lean on me, lay against my lap, later link arms with. I can’t remember if we ever held hands. She was Chinese, and for an Asian girl this is very normal to do with platonic friends. Koreans call this “skin sisters.”

It was really weird for me because my own sisters don’t even want to do those sorts of things with me. I sometimes want to lean against my mother but most of my sisters would punch me rather than let me touch them affectionately. My youngest sister, once I came back from Japan, had reached a point where she was bolder and will goose, grope, grab, poke, pinch, try to pop my toes...it’s very disconcerting. She does things to me in front of others that i consider to be more sexual than platonic. Possibly because my only frame of reference is my father doing the same to my mother. She’s the only sister who will sometimes lean against me. But that was only after this friendship in Japan that was more physical than any of my “romantic” but-definitely-not-romantic partners. No kissing, but the sort of physical expression that i most long for.

Platonic attraction is rare for me. Extremely rare. Any platonic relationship i have pursued has always inevitably ended with spectacular heartbreak. In high school i was always on the outside. One platonic friendship ended dramatically (she had been hiding things from me, which is fine, but it ended badly and she moved away suddenly). Another platonic relationship fizzled because she was my best friend but i was just another friend for her. And whenever this happens to me, i am the friend that all plans will be cancelled with because the other friends have preference. And there was no big break there, i was old enough to not be heartbroken by it as i had by earlier examples of this. We still converse on FB and i am the person she came to first when she accidentally got pregnant in college. Have i mentioned that i’m the should people come to when they need emotional support? I’m a good listener and not judgmental and know when to give advice and when to stay mum.

Which brings me to spiritual attraction. We aren’t merely physical or mental beings. There is something else there. And my empathy, my spiritual center...there are times that i know things that i have no logical business knowing. I don’t always understand it, sometimes it’s a feeling, but my intuition is something that i’ve learned not to ignore.

My last boss, i could tell he had anger issues. I only caught a glimpse of them once. He really liked me so i was fortunate. But every conversation we had after our initial meeting i could tell (spiritually) that he was potentially very dangerous to me emotionally. The more we interacted the more nervous it made me. Familiarity could lead to a loss of professional discretion.

Latter friend: i knew when she IMed me out of the blue after a six month drought that something big was up. She demurred that she couldn’t talk about it. I knew that the only reason that she had come to me was because she needed to tell me. Again, i had a feeling, and it turned out to be correct. She was pregnant. BF wanted her to abort. She didn’t believe in abortion. One conversation gave her the strength to stand up for herself and give her baby up for adoption.

Grandma: I was unable to go home for thanksgiving. Sister (roommate situation) went to her in-laws. I stayed home alone and worked. I was having panic attacks. I had the most heinous period of my entire life. A couple days later my dad calls me up and says: “Has anyone told you that Grandma is in the hospital? She had a heart attack.” No one had told me anything, I somehow knew something was wrong anyway. My brain just couldn’t make sense of it.

Kate Mulgrew: I somehow knew that she was looking for her daughter. Then-me interpreted this as Janeway having a missing daughter, expecting her to show up on the show and join the crew. What i didn’t realize that this was a real longing and need. I have carried this knowledge with me for over twenty years. I found out sometime within the past year that she had become pregnant early in her acting career, while on Ryan’s Hope, given her daughter up for closed adoption, regret it, and it was while she was on Voyager and coming into my awareness she was desperately searching for her, trying to find her, and did in fact find her. I had no rational way knowing any of that deeply personal information. I felt it anyway; deeply. In fact, it changed my life.

Which comes to emotional attraction. I really wanted to be an actor or an author. I don’t think I can memorize or anymore, my aphasia makes it extremely difficult to ad lib/improvise because there are road blocks where i cannot spontaneously retrieve the words i’m looking for. I don’t know if i’ll ever finish a novel, i’m hoping just to finish a lengthy fanfic at this point and then see what comes. A year ago i was doing much better, now it just feels like i’m under attack on all sides. But i feel a strong emotional attraction to artistic people in general.

This sometimes manifests as a sexual attraction for a short time. Sometimes. I can fantasize about a physical attraction...usually in the form of me comforting or being comforted. Sharing burdens. If i know that someone i’m attracted to or love is hurting then it hurts me, often with actual physical sensations (again with the spiritual connections). This tends to cause me to feel as if i “know people” or am kindred spirits with actors, authors, singers, etc. Again, i will sometimes know things that there’s no reason for me to know and is often pointless since it doesn’t enable me to comfort them when they don’t even know i exist.

I am generally okay with this, though it’s sometimes overwhelming. Sometime it feels like an inside joke or shared experience (rare for me outside family members) and gives me ecstatic joy. It’s really weird being an empath.

But again back to being demi: characters (or even the actors who play them) will sometimes feel like friends or family. Sometimes it translates to romantic or sexual attraction: this is very rare. It’s happened a handful of times, but it leaves me feeling completely broken. Why can’t i just be a normal person with normal relationships? Generally it is a positive thing because getting to share their experiences (through reading or watching) gives me a fair amount of feeling accepted, having someone to care for, and hope.

I am a very isolated person. I don’t currently have any RL friends. Most of my support network tends to be online but i don’t really have that going on for me since my last breakup (mutual friends seemed to stick with him, though one friend that was my friend first has since decided that he’s completely nuts and conveniently forgotten that she was the one to introduce us and encourage the pairing). And i know i’m weird but i actually don’t mind that. Having friends that live around the world? That have similar interests? But that i don’t have to get dressed and go outside my comfort zone to hang out with? Awesome.

A year ago i was living somewhere very isolated but i was in a good place because i was supporting myself, had been working full time and making career progress for the better part of a year, was okayish with being single, I had my new kitten, I was mostly happy. It would have been the ideal time for me to start a relationship. And i was actually feeling attracted to a coworker! Like that hadn’t happened for me in nearly twenty years!

But he didn’t want to be more. He wanted me to be the friend he went to to unload his emotional issues on. He didn’t want others to know. He didn’t want to be more than “professional” (it wasn’t professional what was going on, not really). And then COVID hit and everything started falling apart. Things had been wrong with that job that i was trying to stay separate from. Drama, potentially criminal actions, emotional outbursts. I got singed a few times. I knew that another coworker hated me.

The second time they laid me off i packed everything up and moved back home. Upper management had been getting scary. I could tell that Grandma was reaching the end of her life and wanted to be near family. Which led to my last job, which i loved at first but couldn’t keep up with physically and that started to degrade my mental/emotional state. And then grandma died and i fell apart.

I’ve been trying to pull things back together. I really enjoy my current job but i don’t know if it will work out in the long term. The way the economy is going again...it’s scary. When Obama became president his policies were really punishing for the area. I had just graduated from college and couldn’t find full time work. I worked 2-3 part time jobs and lived with my parents because that was all i could afford.

I went out on a couple of very large limbs trying to better my situation (teaching in Japan, CLD school) and neither has really. They were amazing opportunities but i get homesick. But then when i am here that’s bad for me emotionally. I need to find some sort of balance, and it’s looking like that balance is for me to live somewhere removed from family and only visit a couple times of years. Which i hate to do but i think i need those boundaries for my emotional well being. But i don’t know how i have a hope in hell of affording any of that. I have a couple of months left to figure it out before my lease is up on my apartment, i need to figure things out by then.

So all of this...i’m not trying to complain here. I know that i tend to come off that way because i’m just honest and matter of fact about things. This is the way things are in my experience. I’ve tried various ways to improve them. The reason i’m recording them is not to illicit pity. It’s so people who don’t have to deal with these issues can catch a glimpse of what it’s like and for others who deal with anxiety and depression can see that they’re not alone. That’s a huge deal. Wherever you are in your journey, you’re not alone, it may be a fight unique to your situation, but you’re not alone. Other people are suffering, too, and it’s not a competition. It’s okay.

I know that being single has its benefits. Living alone with a cat is not something i hate as a rule, let me tell you. What i do hate is not having two or more incomes coming into a household. It is extremely difficult in this day and age to make it alone. I don’t want to worry about anything but money is probably that biggest temptation. It leads to feeling like i’m trapped.

That’s probably why many relationships develop (a need for security) but i’m...i say it is like being broken. Maybe i am because of the PTSD. Maybe it’s just my normal for someone on the spectrum (and let me tell you that even claiming this as part of my identity triggers my imposter syndrome...all of this does really. I didn’t have to deal with the same level of physical abuse that many do so why can’t i just get over it, right?). But i dealt with enough that i cannot form relationships on convenience. I have to feel safe. I want to find someone who i could trust to raise kids with, to go the distance with.

Have i said yet that i tend to overthink things?

I know that there’s not many of you who will have read this far. Thank you. Writing is part of my process in getting things reorganized in my shit show of a brain/heart/etc. The bottom line of this...i am improving grief wise, last night not withstanding. But i still want more. It’s my birthday and Christmas and it’s the hardest time for me in a way. Because it feels like i’m out of time. Another year has been lost forever. Have i made any progress at all? And it feels as if it’s already too late. My main goal in life was to become a mother and i can’t even have casual sex to manage it. I just can’t.

But there are spiritual things i’m trying to work through. That i don’t feel comfortable sharing here, really. Just i wonder about soul mates and twin flames and dreams/visions. I don’t know what the right choice is. Not for sure. And that is killing me because i want to know God’s will and do it. And i’m an impatient person who’s been waiting a particularly long time and i can’t say that i’ve gotten any better at it.

#confession #personal #depression #anxiety #demisexual #asexual #bi #attraction

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition

- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....

- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts.

- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/

- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people

- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)

- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry

- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor

- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not

- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you

- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons

- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie

anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)

#long post //////#the entire first quarter (at least lol) of my life being Devastated By Abuse means i get to complain about it whenever i feel like it

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archangelakira · 5 years

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MHM

So May is Mental Health Month? Not something that ever really concerned me until recently. That being said, I think it has a much larger impact on me now given that I have begun the road to recovery from my own mental health issues. And if my story can help even one person then it's worth sharing.

Anxiety is no joke. I always had a manageable case of social anxiety growing up. You know, I was the kid that didn't really have many friends in school. I preferred to read rather than socialize. I hated being called on during class, presentations made my hands sweat profusely and made my stomach do backflips. I would hold on to a gum wrapper throughout an entire class just because I didn't want to be the center of attention when I got up to throw it away. I would suppress coughs or sneezes because I didn't like drawing attention to myself. School dances were a nightmare but for some reason I insisted on maintaining a sense of normalcy and... well, everyone else was going.

None of these things ever affected my daily life. Did they make me uncomfortable? Sure. Did I replay something stupid I said 10,000 times in my head and come up with a million better ways to have said it? Absolutely! But not once do I recall ever having an anxiety attack as a result. Although I'm sure those presentations brought me pretty close more than once.

Today is a different story. Today I fight off anxiety attacks a few times a week. What changed? Was there a turning point in my life? Did things just build up over time and eventually tip the scales? Was there some sort of traumatic event? Yep. That's it. That one, right there. Traumatic event. Flashback incoming:

Here's the thing, I had very few constant support systems in my life. Mom died at an early age. I had my dad, of course. And my brother. Had my best friend in the entire world that I had known since we were five! Gosh, she's a life saver. Probably more than she will ever know. Then I had my relationship. My other half. My S.O. We met in 2005 when we were 17 years old working a summer job at our local movie theater. Started dating in October of that year. Moved in together in December of the next year. We were the proud parents of two doggos. We spent 12 years of our lives together. Until it all came crashing down at once.

It took a only one session of speaking with a specialist for them to clearly define what had happened to me. PTSD. I always associated it with veterans and the like. People that experience extremely horrific situations on a regular level. But I guess everyone has their breaking point. So pretty much it was one loss on top of another that pushed me past mine. My best friend moved across the country. Not a huge loss... I still talk to her regularly. But part of my support system and really the only social life I had was chipped away. My dad died. Another chip. Lost my childhood home. One more chip. And then the big one. My whole world was shaken up when I lost my significant other. Then the fur babies. Things just piled up all within a short time period and I buckled under the weight of it.

I guess it started in the summer of 2017. That's when I felt my world begin to really fall apart. Bestie had recently moved. I came home from work one night and the S.O. was asleep, snoring lightly. I hung up my purse and took off my shoes. I went to wake him up when I realized that he wasn't snoring. He was gasping for air. His eyes were rolled back in his head and he couldn't breathe. To say I freaked out was an understatement. I called my brother who lived very close and he came over and asked if he had any history of night terrors. No. Seizures? Nope. So he helped me roll my boyfriend over just to eliminate the chance of choking on vomit. That's when we saw the lighter. And the aluminum foil. And the charred remains of some drug. We continued trying to wake him. I called his 'friend' that he had been spending so much time with lately. He couldn't tell me what the substance was, only that I shouldn't call an ambulance. He would come out of it, this friend assured me, and I wouldn't want authorities to find drugs in my home. What a dumb thing to believe but I was naive. Okay, so what now??? My brother and I started to carry him to my car so could make the short trip to the ER. We got about halfway through the house and my boyfriend just snapped out of it. Just popped up like nothing was wrong. Started asking us what was going on. I broke down crying on the floor. I told him if he ever did anything like that again it was over between us.

October of 2017 my dad is hospitalized. His organs are shutting down and he's on life support. For two weeks I drive an hour and a half each way every day to be at his side. Early November he passes away. I'm heartbroken but I've been through this before so I know I will recover. The funeral passes quickly this time. I guess I wasn't dreading it as much as mom's. Thanksgiving and Christmas come and go. I had moved back in with my father when he started to get sick. He left no will and the medical bills are substantial. My brother and I prepare to lose the home we grew up in. In the process of packing things I notice that my significant other is missing quite frequently. Spending the night at friends' places. Taking my vehicle.

After about a five day stretch in February of not hearing from him, having no idea who he is with, where he is, what he's doing, if he's even alive, I get on his computer to see if I can get in contact with his friends through Facebook. He hasn't replied to my texts or messages. He won't answer my calls. So I open his laptop and sign in. The first string of messages I see are to a woman named Angel. I know I shouldn't open it. I know I don't want to see whatever is in there. But I'd also like some peace of mind. After looking through months of lewd photos and videos sent between them I pick up my phone and text my best friend. I warn her to be prepared for an onslaught of ugly crying as I'm about to end my 12 year relationship.

The next message I send is to him after 10 phone calls at 4am on February 28, 2018:

You have until noon to bring my car back to me or I will report it stolen.

He calls back in less than 30 minutes. He's in the driveway before 8am. We make arrangements for him to stay in the guest room until he finds a place to live or until the bank forecloses because I'm not heartless and don't want him to be homeless. I find a place to move into shortly after and start a new chapter in my life.

A new chapter filled with insomnia, an eating disorder, depression and anxiety. See, somehow, after all that my brain decided that it was my fault the relationship failed. Because when I asked him why he did it he said he was bored. And in my mind that meant he was bored of me. I was boring. So I began to use negative self talk as a coping mechanism. I hid the breakup from my family, friends, and colleagues for months. I was ashamed. I stopped eating because my depression told me he didn't want me because I was fat. I went from 170 to 130 pounds in less than two months. I stopped sleeping because I couldn't turn off the negative thoughts. I started to have anxiety attacks when the thoughts became overwhelming. I would go to Angel's profile and look at her picture and berate myself for not being as pretty as her, or as fit, or as intriguing. I would wonder why I wasn't enough. I would clench my fists so tight my fingernails cut into the palms of my hands. My heartbeat would start racing. I would start to hyperventilate and feel sick. It got so bad that a friend from work had to tell me to go talk to someone. He knew something was up and I honestly don't know if I would be here today if he had not intervened.

So now the insomnia is under control. Most nights, anyway. I still have an episode here and there but it's no where near what it was. I started eating again and I'm maintaining a healthy 155ish pounds. The depression is significantly reduced. I'm only battling the anxiety attacks now. A few months after that friend from work suggested I speak to a specialist, we started dating. Now my anxiety attacks are mostly a fear of losing him. It usually starts with something simple, like him finding out about some insecurity that I have and then it snowballs into negative self talk then, ultimately, me convincing myself that he doesn't want to be with me either. That I'll screw up this relationship too. As if the last one was my fault. Rational me knows that I'm lucky to have an amazing, caring, understanding guy in my life. Rational me knows that the negative thoughts are ridiculous and that even if this one 'gets bored' too it wouldn't be the end of the world. Anxiety attack me is irrational. Anxiety attack me feels like everything is spiraling out of control and it IS the end of the world. Luckily, the attacks are fewer with each passing day and it doesn't feel like an endless cycle anymore. For the first time in almost a year it feels like there might actually be an end to these vicious moments. I am healing.

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helloworlddemo1122-yahoopar-blog · 7 years

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Rita Moreno Is Playing a Dream Role 70 Years into Her Career (Exclusive)

After West Side Story won her a Golden Globe and an Academy Award for her lead role as Anita in the 1961 musical, Rita Moreno was sure she'd end up in film after film, thwarting Latin stereotypes in Hollywood. But even as the first Hispanic woman to earn an Oscar, the work offered to her was scarce and conventional, leaving the legendary actress crushed when the promising rush of stardom proved not so promising anymore.

Now, at 86, Moreno is having the last laugh, as the adored and very funny abuelita Lydia on Netflix's multicam family comedy One Day at a Time. The timely Latina-led update of the classic sitcom, which premiered in 1975 on CBS, is helmed by Gloria Calderon Kellett and Mike Royce, while the series' original creator, the now-94-year-old Norman Lear, executive produces.

The show is centered on a Cuban-American family living in Los Angeles, the Riera-Alvarez clan, including Lydia's daughter, Penelope, played by Six Feet Under alum Justina Machado, and her grandchildren, Alex (Marcel Ruiz) and Elena (Isabella Gomez) – as they work through a variety of hot-button issues relevant to today's gender paradigm and sociopolitical climate. Penelope is a divorced single mom and Iraq war veteran with PTSD, for one. But with plotlines including Elena's coming out, depression, gender stereotypes, immigration and religion -- and that's just season one -- One Day at a Time isn't afraid to speak its mind with ample heart and humor. Season two furthers its topical commentary by broaching gun control, nonbinary queerness, racism and Lydia's lack of U.S. citizenship.

One of only 12 performers with a coveted EGOT (an Emmy, GRAMMY, Oscar and Tony), Moreno recently opened up to ET about playing the kind of authentic Latina role she could only dream of after West Side Story. During the conversation, Moreno also reflected on how the beginning of her career left her "heartbroken," the current state of Latinx representation on screen, and how One Day at a Time is helping to break ground for Latinx actors.

ET: Why does a Latina-led One Day at a Time feel particularly important right now?

Rita Moreno: Norman Lear seems to have a clock in his head or something. It just seemed the right time. And it’s interesting, because there have been some other Latino-based shows, but there have also been some not-so-good Latino-based shows. Obviously, I'm not gonna mention anyone, because everyone needs their job.

What makes one Latinx show better than another?

Ours is authentic, ours is so respectful of the culture. We don't mess around. And my character could very easily be a Looney Tune and, in fact, we're always very, very mindful of that -- I'm certainly very mindful of that. And she can be theatrical and she can be dramatic, but Looney Tunes is definitely not a part of this series. I think it's extremely important to stick to what Latinos as Latinos recognize and laugh at.

The other great part of this show is that a lot of people who are not Latino are loving it. It's so universal -- that's the word that Norman keeps using. It's a family. And though some problems are strictly related to being Latino, many other issues are not. I mean, in the first season, we had a marvelous show about the United States Department of Veterans Affairs. It really took the VA to task without pointing fingers in any way, and it was hilarious. It was also very serious -- [Penelope] had her shoulder injury from the war and she couldn't get anybody on the phone. I thought it was a tour de force for Justina.

How did this season's racism-centric first episode resonate with you?

Oh, are you kidding? We loved it. One of the most wonderful touches that nobody has ever addressed in these kinds of shows is the fact that Alex is getting picked on because his skin is darker than his sister's, and their mom points out the difference in hue. I don't think anyone has ever even touched that.

The second episode addresses gender neutrality both in terms of the Latinx community and the LGBTQ community. I imagine that's been a lesson for a lot of people the way it was for Lydia.

Oh, absolutely. And you know, I love that there's just a bit of racist in Lydia. When she says, "Oh, no, no -- we're Spanish," and her granddaughter says, "Mom, we are all colors." But I say, "We're mostly a Spanish." Which to her means white. So, I love that she has this prejudice, because it makes her very real.

What are some of the hot topics covered on the show that have been personally important to you?

Last year, we talked about Lydia’s citizenship and her lack of citizenship, and the whole family was absolutely shocked that she was not a citizen. This time, not only does Lydia become a citizen, but also Schneider [the family’s Canadian landlord, played by Todd Grinnell] has become a citizen, which I thought was kind of neat. And, oh, God -- there are so many hot topics and I can't remember half of them because I'm 86.

The show challenges many stereotypes. After West Side Story, you were seeking to do the same, but studios were offering you a lot of stereotypical Latina roles.

Actually, I wasn't offered a lot of them -- I was offered some. There was such a dearth of roles. After winning those two awards, I was absolutely heartbroken. I couldn't believe it. I really thought, "Wow, an Oscar and a Golden Globe, what could be bad? My career is made."

The lack of roles -- what do you chalk that up to?

Oh, the same usual kind of thinking: "She's Latina, she played a Latina, and here are some gang movies if you want to do that." And I said, "No, I do not." Nothing came. It was just really, really absolutely devastating. It was hard to believe. I mean, how naive of me, but who knew?

So how did being cast on One Day at a Time feel?

Oh, my goodness, I can't even find the words for it. I'm so proud to be a part of it. I feel privileged to be working with Norman, whom I dearly love. He and I have a creative love affair going on, in the sense that he just thinks I'm the bee's knees and I thinks he's the cat's meow. We're the two old farts on the show, and I call myself the "fartette."

I wanna be a fartette when I'm 86.

No -- a fartette is a girl.

Oh, I don't care. We're all about gender-nonconformity here now, aren't we?

[Laughs] That's great. You've learned from the show!

This season's finale was really emotional. Was it a difficult day for you on set?

Not at all. No! It wasn't difficult. I did nothing but lay down!

Emotionally, though?

It was very hard to listen to some of the monologues -- it was hard to listen to Justina. But you know, she always kills me under any circumstances. She's just one hell of an actress and probably the best acting partner I've ever had. She's just sensational. And the granddaughter, Isabella Gomez -- her thing was very sweet and sad and moving.

Do you think this show will hopefully open the doors for more Latinx actors?

I think it will, it absolutely will. Gloria Calderon is doing her own show for a network [the upcoming History of Them on CBS with On Your Feet! star Ana Villafañe]. And you know, we can use two on the air! That would be nice.

We could use Rita Moreno on both, too.

I'll be sure to tell her that! [Laughs] So, it's terrific. Whenever we can we use Hispanic actors -- not just Hispanic, but black actors, East Indian actors, every kind of nationality, whoever is good for something gets the part, no matter what the nationality.

What are your thoughts on the diversity reflected in this year's Oscar nominations?

Viola Davis put it so succinctly when she said as long as there aren't roles for us -- meaning all nationalities -- there will be no awards possible for us. A lot of people say, "Well, why aren't you getting awards?" Well, you have to have the roles first. It's not just one-sided. You have to get the roles. And now I think the Hispanic community has to really start pushing and taking some very much-needed lessons from the black community. They really did it up. They did it up just fine. We have to start doing it, too. We have to unite more and we have to pull for each other more. Did you happen to read the very angry piece that John Leguizamo [creator and star of Latin History for Morons currently on Broadway] wrote for Billboard? He's one angry Puerto Rican. He was talking to his own people, [saying that it's] nice to say, “Well, I’m lucky to get this part,” but you’ve gotta do more than that as a Hispanic person. So I'm hoping that's gonna start to happen very, very soon.

At the SAG Awards in January, when you presented Morgan Freeman with the Lifetime Achievement honor, you were given a standing ovation.

That was so moving; I started to cry. That was astonishing -- who would expect something like that?

What's it like to be acknowledged in that way by your peers 70 years into your career?

Oh, that's why I started to cry, because they are my peers. And it was also my peers who helped vote for me when Morgan presented the award to me [in 2014]. It's just fantastic. What went around came around.