#I hate the twitter for you tab why did I click on it and have to see this

[ephemeral-winter]

people on twitter complaining about the s2 moiraine and lan dynamic because “it feels like they’re drawing it out too much” what is it like to have literal rocks for brains

[therealplaguedoctor]

Never do a shoey.

Daniel Riccardo x Podcast.host!reader

Summary- classic case of he fell first and also fell harder. So y/n is a popular podcast host known for interviewing/having really famous people on her podcast. She was reached out to by mclarens media team to have their two drivers on the podcast. The episode did really well and mclaren invited Y/n to join them that weekend for the Miami Grand Prix! Where she meets a fan of hers that she just so happens to be a fan of... what will happen? Will they get together for just the podcast? Or will there be more?

Warnings- suggestive implications, mention of 'love' marks/bites, alcohol

Stupid warnings- reader is in Florida (surprising i know), author is a dumbass and pretends she knows shit(she doesnt), American spelling, I never spell check, also has refs to some of my twt moots 🫶

F/c- various people on pintrest

A/n- So I had this idea for a minute but I didn't know who to do it with so I had my moots on Twitter help me (hi guys!!) So thank them for the DR3 fic!! (Also i got lazy with texts dont mind it) And as always: sorry if it's ooc and I hate everything I write lol

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Y/n L/n a name that quickly rose to fame. She started to become famous on tiktok due to her 'face time' series. Talking about events in her life but acting as if the audience was a friend she was on face time with.

Y/n is known for her impressive conversation skills. She can hold and carry a conversation like it's breathing for her.

She had created a podcast as she rose to fame originally named 'facetime' which was scrapped after legal reasons. She changed the name to 'celeb seats' as she was able to secure an interview with YouTube and tiktok influencer 'Kallmekris'. She was able to continue this trend with having a celebrity on her podcast almost every episode-

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You closed the tab. They had just posted an article about you! You're a new type of famous now, the article was just a get to know you article. It was pretty accurate actually. It talked a bit how you rose to fame, then it talked about how you claimed that fame with your podcast 'celeb seats'.

The podcast you hosted was normally just you and one other guest, only a few times it was just you. Your guests were all celebrities, some more famous than others, some more liked than others.

But there is one main reason on why people enjoy your podcast: you're still a person. You don't act like your famous (whatever that means) and you prioritize your guest comfort over content. The main example is when you had YouTuber Markiplier on and had cut a large portion of it out. Him later talking on it saying something along the lines of 'she told me that she's going to cut that convo out. Cause I mentioned that I was iffy on people seeing it. She didn't ask she just said she was going to when I said I was iffy on it'. Him being a largely trusted person boosted your character and your popularity which widened your audience.

You were able to interview people from almost everywalk of life. Politics, actors, youtubers, streamers, tiktokers, voice actors, and even singers!

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Y.n just posted!

Liked by Billie.eilish and others

Y.n: great to have you on @/billie.eilish !! This episode of the Celeb Seats Podcast will be posted next week on Wednesday!

User1 OMG GURL HOW

User2 WHY CANT IT BE WEDNESDAY ALREADY

User3 I still can't believe that she has Billie's number

User4 WHAT

User3 It's in episode 12 she mentions it, it was her first QnA episode with the q: who's the most famous person on your phone!

User4 IMMA GO REWATCH THAT HOW COULD I MISS IT

Billie.eilish: thank you for having me it was a blast

Y.n 🫶🫶🫶

User5 I love them sm

danielricciardo oooo can't wait!

User6 WHAT DANIEL HUH?

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You see the verified name pop up in your notifications. Clicking on the profile, daniel ricciardo, the name seems familiar, you then read a little: formula one driver. Huh, it was currently Saturday night. There was a race tomorrow you decided to give it a watch setting an alarm to wake you up for the race, you put down your phone and eventually drift off to sleep.

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Daniel arrived early the next day at the paddock signing a few things and walking in, with his classic smile on.

He stepped up in front of the camera as the truck drove around the track for the drivers parade.

"Hello Daniel Riccardo" the journalist greeted

"Hey" he smiled

"So today is a big race today" she said "your home race and all"

"Yeah, it's always exciting you know?" He chuckled waving to the crowd

"Of course" she smiled "well we actually only have a quick question for you today: I'm sure you've seen it but people are surprised you listen to the Celeb Seats Podcast. Care to add anything?"

"Oh yeah" he smiled "I've listen to that podcast I think since the first episode it's actually really entertaining. And I think Y/n is a great host and I'd love to be on it"

"Alright thank you Daniel" she said as he stepped off to the side. As Oscar was next to get interviewed

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Your alarmed blaried in your ear. Turning it off you sat up and made your way to your living room and turned on the TV turning it to the EPSN channel. As you started making some coffee.

You sat on the couch as the race started sipping your coffee. You had to google some terms after they were said causing you to miss some overtakes. As the race wrapped up you turned off the TV and quickly went to YouTube and searched: formula 1 explained. Adding a few videos to a watch later playlist.

You quickly made yourself some breakfast before making your way to your office and settling down to start editing a video as well as finish the next episode of the podcast.

Deciding to take a break from editing you check your business email. Deleting the spam emails as well as the ones that were definitely scams. Before you glanced over a familiar orange logo you saw earlier that day. You clicked on the email:

Hello Y/n L/n

We hope this email finds you well. We have seen you podcast called "Celeb Seats" and we would love it if you were able to host our two drivers: Lando Norris and Oscar Piastri. We know you're located out of Florida and we have a Grand Prix later this year (may 3-5) in Miami. We would love to be able to invite you actually!

Sincerely, the Mclaren media team.

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You quickly typed out your own email that basically amounted to:

I would love too be able to host them! Thank you for the invite I accept!

After a few messages back and forth you were able to set a date to record with enough time so you could edit and post it before the grand prix.

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You were adjusting the angle of one of the cameras as you heard a knock at the studio doors.

As you settled down after adjusting the mics in front of them.

"Okay," you said "Welcome to the Celeb Seats Podcast I'm your host Y/n. And today we are actually joined by two people" you motioned over to them "both formula one drivers for mclaren, Lando Norris" you motioned to him "and Oscar Piastri" you then motioned to him.

"Hey" Lando said

"Hello" Oscar smiled

"Okay so this is actually the first episode with two guests so let's see how it goes" you chuckled

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After calming down from laughing "okay okay we" Lando motioned between him and Oscar "have a question for you"

"Shoot" you smiled

"Well you did mention earlier that you watch a little bit of formula one" he said as you nodded "well who is your favorite driver?"

"That's tough" you said "well hmm, I'd want to say Logan cause he's you know he's American" you chuckled "but I'd have to go with the other aussie, Daniel Riccardo. Sorry Oscar" you chuckled

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Y.n just posted!

Liked by mclaren and others

Y.n: Guess what! I know I normally post as soon as the episode is recorded but I had to wait to post this 🫣. But I had both mclaren formula one drivers on my podcast! @/LandoNorris and @/OscarPiastri, thank you for joining me!! This episode will be out tomorrow before media day!!

User7 HOW

User8 SHE ALWAYS GETS EVERYONE ON

Mclaren Thank you for taking care of our boys 🙌

Y.n it's no problem!! They were entertaining to say the least!

User9 I LOVE HER SM

LandoNorris Thanks for having us!!

Y.n it was great to have yall on!!

OscarPiastri Best interviewer ever!!

Y.n you just wanna become my favorite driver?

OscarPiastri ...maybe

Y.n dw Osc you'll always be in front of Lando

LandoNorris WHY AM I CATCHING STRAYS

User10 I love the bickering

User11 they are all siblings your honor

User12 wait...

User12 WDYM HER FAV DRIVER SHE WATCHS F1???

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Daniel was happy about another podcast episode dropping he put it on and started his work out. He was taking a break when he almost choked on his water. He was your favorite driver.

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You were walking through the paddock making your way back to mclaren hospitality with Lando. You two walked side by side before Lando tapped your shoulder and said:

"Hey let me introduce you to some of the other drivers" Lando smiled innocently. There was nothing innocent about that smile.

"Hey Daniel" Lando waved to a man you recognized, Daniel Ricciardo, your favorite driver. Oh fuck you Lando you thought to yourself. Lando then motioned at you "This is Y/n L/n she's a guest for Mclaren this weekend" Daniel looks over at you, fuck he's kinda hot. "And y/n, this is Daniel-"

"-Riccardo yes I know Lando" you chuckled

"Wow I was just trying to be nice and introduce you two" he huffed, you just rolled your eyes and turned your attention to the tall Australian.

"Nice to meet you" you smiled "I don't know if you watch my podcast but I mentioned that you're my favorite driver"

He nodded quickly "yeah I'm actually a big fan of you podcast" he smiled "I've been watching it since episode 1"

"Wait that long?" You asked a bit shocked that he watches it

He smiled "yeah!" He said "I was actually listening to the most recent episode while working out and I almost choked on my water when you said I was your favorite" he said scratching the back of his head a little bit embarrassed

You laughed, he smiled.

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

Media day by passed way to fast. You wished you could spend more time with Daniel but he had practice the following days so sadly you couldn't.

Sunday

The race had began. Each lap passed the next one faster than the last. Next thing you knew you were celebrating with his team in the garage. Lando had just won the Miami grand prix, his first race win.

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Y.n just posted

Liked by mclaren and others

Y.n thank you for the invite mclaren 🙌. Can't belive I was there to celebrate this first win for @/LandoNorris congrats man, you deserved this!!

User13 ONE OF US ONE OF US

User14 NEW F1 INFLUENCER

Mclaren you were great company!! We'd love to have you again

Y.n stopp I'm blushing 🤭🤭

Mclaren 🧡🧡🧡

Y.n 💙💙💙

User15 mclaren admin and Y.n flirting was NOT on my 2024 bingo card

AlphaTauri You should visit our garage..

Y.n is that an invitation 🤭

AlphaTauri ...maybe 👀

User16 ARE WE GONNA IGNORE THE LAST PICTURE

Y.n yes

User16 OMG HIIIII

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Lando had invited you out. In Miami. After his first win. You should have known how wasted youd get, too say the least. You and a small group of his friends went club hoping. The night was fuzzy, but everyone in that group drank their weight in alcohol and then some....

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You woke up with a killer headache making you remember the highlights of last night: the dancing, the clubs, and the fucking alcohol.

The room was plastered in darkness which you thanked the blackout curtains you invested in. You went to get up but couldn't. You were held down by something around your waist. Or someone.

The arms that were wrapped around your waist were strong. You tried to escape them again, which just made them tight around you and the man next to you burry his face in your back.

You thanked God that you were clothed, thankfully in your own pants but the shirt was definitely not yours.

The man let out a groan as he moved, you froze before closing your eyes and pretending to sleep. The grip around your waist loosened as you feel the man move slightly. Based on the movement he was on his back. He began to move again sitting up, you felt his body heat leave which left you a little colder.

You moved slightly as being frozen there was a bit uncomfortable. This movement in turn caused him to freeze:

"Did I wake you?" A familiar voice asked you. No fucking way.

"No" you said softly as you shook your head sitting up.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness and you looked the man in the eyes your suspicions were confirmed: Daniel fucking Riccardo.

"Well good morning I guess" you said, if there was even a little bit of light in the room it would show you being beet red.

"Mornin' " he muttered in response "well uh" he said "fuck, what do we do know?" He asked

Which just caused you to start laughing

"What? What did I say?"

"No, nothing" you said "just funny"

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You stood in your bathroom as you looked in the mirror. Daniel offered you to shower and get new clothes on first (mostly so he could get that shirt back). As you stare at yourself in the mirror hand tracing the love bites and love marks that covered your body. Damn. You thought to yourself.

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You awkwardly handed him his shirt after you exited the bathroom. He thanked you as he grabbed it and walked into the bathroom going to take a shower himself as he stilled smell of alcohol and the late night activities.

You walked into your kitchen not knowing what else to do you started making breakfast. It was pretty basic: toast, eggs, and some sausage.

Daniel exited the bathroom, his hair still a bit wet. He looked even hotter than before, how is that even possible. Shaking your head of those thoughts you slid a plate across the counter in front of him. You both ate in silence before he spoke up:

"Do you remember anything from last night?" He asked

You shook you head "I remember getting drunk but no I don't remember what your referring too" you said

"I don't either" he said softly munching on a peice of toast

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After a little bit and a extreme amount of awkwardness Daniel left. It was weird you house almost felt empty now that he was gone.

It had been a few hours since Daniel left before you got a text:

??- hey this is Daniel, I asked Lando for your number I hope that's not weird

Yn- No it's not,

Daniel- good lol

Daniel- so I just wanna talk about last night real quick....

Yn- let's just not mention it again like ever

Daniel- agreed.

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After that awkward first string of text messages you actually started talking to Daniel. It started off with just some comments on his racing or one of his posts soon you were texting him almost everyday. Text turned to calls, some calls turned to facetimes.

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"Hey Danny" you smiled as you answered the face time placing your phone back on the counter facing you as you cooked.

"Hey y/n" he said, "what are you making today?" He asked

"Well I'm making this stir fry-" you started "wait what time is it for you?" You asked him

"Uhhh doesn't matter" he said the screen to your phone was almost completely black. You could only see bits of his face.

"Daniel" you said in a warning tone

"It's, 1am" he said muffling himself as he talked

"Daniel-" you started. "You litterly have a race tomorrow. Go to sleep"

"But-"

"Nope you need to sleep before the race"

He huffed "fine." You heard a little bit of shuffling before a quiet "goodbye"

"Good night danny" you said before grabbing your phone and hanging up the face time.

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

"AND LEWIS HAMILTON WINS THE BRITISH GRAND PRIX-"

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After the celebration you got up and texted Daniel:

Yn- tell yuki I said congrats on points!

Danny- I get no congrats... 🥺

Yn- maybe if you went to sleep earlier youd be in points and you'd get a congrats too

Danny- :(

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

"Danny isn't it like past midnight over there or something?" You asked, you two were currently facetiming eachother again, while you worked on editing the next episode of your podcast.

"Yeah" he yawned "but I like talking to you" he said groggily

A notification popped up on your phone as soon as you looked over, "what the fuck?" You said

"Hmmm?" Danny asked

"Carlos just signed to Williams"

"What" he asked "he what? Williams" you heard some shuffling as he checked his phone looking through Twitter. "Damn" he chuckled "glad I was up to witness this with you"

"Youre just trying to get out of me scolding you" you chuckled

"...maybe" he smiled "well hey if I was over there I wouldn't have to stay up" he said sleepily

"You just want to be on the podcast huh?" You joked

"Maybe" he smiled "come on let me be on it"

You smiled "okay okay" you chuckled "I actually have recorded a bunch of episodes for over your summer break so, you can come over anytime"

"Really?" He asked hopefully

"Yes Danny" you said as you went back to editing. "Just schedule a flight and let me know how long you want to be here"

"What if I wanted to be there the rest of the summer break?" He asked

You freeze a bit in surprise but before he could say something you spoke "I wouldn't be apposed"

He smiled as he hummed softly. Soon you heard soft snores coming from your phone.

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

You heard a knock at your door. You walked over and opened the door a large smile on your face. As you opened the door to: Daniel Riccardo.

"Hey Danny" you smiled letting him inside

"Hey" he smiled walking inside nodding a quick thank you.

"Here let me show ya to the guest room" you smiled shutting the door behind him

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BREAKING NEWS: DANIEL RICCARDO SPOTTED LEAVING AN AIRPORT IN MIAMI BEFORE HEADING OUTSIDE THE CITY

User17 HWAT WHERE IS HE GOING???

User18 it's probably a media thing guys

User19 WAIT ISNT Y/N BASED OUTSIDE MIAMI???

User20 PLEASE YOURE FEEDING MY DELUSIONS

User19 😭😭😭

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Y.n just posted!

Liked by danielricciardo and others

Had this guy on my podcast he said he is a famous f1 driver...I don't see it 🤔

But anyways- it was great having you on the podcast @/danielricciardo !! As always look out for these upcoming episodes!! (had to rearrange my posting schedule for this man 😒)

User21 I KNEW IT

User22 dieing. Dead.

danielricciardo thank you for hosting me!!

Y.n it was great having my fav f1 driver on!

LandoNorris :(

Y.n know your place, youre behind Osc

OscarPiastri :D

User23 SHE CALLS OSCAR OSC IM CRYING

Frankie THE DANIEL PICS THANK YOU YN

Shelbyrose Get back in the cage

Olivia kinky.

Nics 😰😰😰

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──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

"Okay" you said adjusting the mic arm in front of you as you sat down. Clearing your throat you start:

"Welcome to the Celeb Seats Podcast I'm your host Y/n, and to day I am joined by: DANIEL RICCARDOOOOOOO" you smiled

"Y/nnnn L/nnnnnnn" he said back

You chuckled "it's great to finally have you on"

"Great to be here" he smiled "sad I can't say that I'm the first f1 driver on the pod"

"But you can definitely say your the favorite" you chuckled

"True" he smiled

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

"Okay okay" you said as you breathed stomach hurting from laughing, you turned to the camera "Thank you for joining us for this episode of Celeb Seats! We'll see you later!"

You got up and stopped the recording on the cameras as well as the mics. "So what ya wanna do?" You asked Daniel as you packed up the camera

"Well I don't know what you have around here" he shrugged "you have anything in mind?" He asked

You smiled "You don't mine if we go on a bit on a trip before we get there right?" You asked

He shrugged "I think I'd live" he chuckled

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As you pulled into the small dirt parking lot Daniel looked at the tall trees that surround it.

"Welcome to Highlands Hammock" you said "we don't really have mountains or the like for hiking trails but we have these cypress boardwalks" you smiled as you both got out of the car.

You two slowly walked the boardwalk, you pointed out the different types of trees, some animals and other plants.

"I love cypress swamps" you smiled "they're so beautiful" you chuckled

Daniel who was right behind you whispered "yeah beautiful" as he looked at you

"Hmm what did ya say?" You asked turning to face him

"Oh nothing don't worry" he smiled

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

You kinda forgot when you got here but you both ended up at a small park next to a lake. Sitting on a small bench as you watch the sun set across the lake and eating ice cream.

"This was nice" Daniel said

"Yeah" you smiled looking up at him

He looked back at you. You stare into eachothers eyes.

"I wouldn't mind spending all of summer break like this, with you" Danny said

"I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with you" you said

With that you leaned into eachother, lips touching you melted into the kiss. His lips were slightly rough but the kiss was gentle. He placed his hand on the side of your neck just under your jaw.

The kiss broke.

"God I've been wanting to do that for so long" he said

You chuckled "me too"

"So can I call you mine now?" he asked

"Yes you can, but I will never do a shoey" you said

Causing him to laugh before pulling you into another kiss.

You did in fact ended up doing a shoey. It was fucking disgusting. Never do a shoey.

Fin.

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

[sammywolfgirl]

Actually no let’s dissect this new layout as someone who has used Twitter for a bit @staff listen up @wip @changes

I used Twitter for about a year because a lot of my mutuals at the time did, and you know what?

I hated the layout.

I didn’t like how I had to keep tabs on my friends because the algorithm would show me shitty stuff I wouldn’t want to see and was so hard to curate a feed

I’m fairly certain I ended up blocking a lot of people because they kept liking pictures of boobs and I didn’t want to see that shit and Twitter never let you turn that off

I ended up blocking people who kept getting recommended because their art made me sick and I didn’t want to see untagged nsfw on my feed

And the side bar sucked, it took me a while to figure out how to post in the first place

And don’t get me started about having a trending tab always right there and how it would set off my anxiety because every day it was just “here’s a new thing to make you want to jump off a cliff!”

Twitter and the way it works is designed to get hate clicks and engage on outrage, is that the method you want to follow?

Especially for a website who’s users are very loudly against that and also like privacy and will literally use outside resources to fix the ‘improvements’ you made because you didn’t think a toggle feature was worth it

Also putting the stuff on the left or right does not draw the eye, why? Because that’s where your hands are. Blocking the features you want to engage with. My eye is drawn up so putting your stuff there works best! It gets attention. Not to the right where my big ass hand is blocking the post button. (This is also why you should put the mobile post bubble back in the bar where it belongs but that’s a topic for another day)

I understand tumblr is in debt hell, but users have stated many times that if you just ask for donations like ao3 they’d be happy to donate

Hell, crab day was thrown around to be just like that.

Listen to your users or they will all leave for the websites you’re poorly emulating.

Tumblr is surviving because it offers an experience NO OTHER WEBSITE DOES

Taking that away just means tumblr is not unique, and users would rather try their luck with a website that’s doing this better.

Like Twitter, or tic tok, or Instagram.

Lean into your uniqueness and just ask for donations like an adult, just a little add that shows up in the add rotation that’s like “like what you see? Why not throw a dollar in the tip jar?” Like frame it like giving money to an artist so they can keep doing what you love, it’ll be charming!

Tumblr will not find success or even break even if you try and appeal to newcomers, every new social media is confusing to newbies, but you know what they do? They learn, and they adapt. And changing everything is going to make you loose legacy users who again, would LOVE TO DONATE MONEY TO KEEP THIS HELLSIGHT STANDING AS IS.

Or do you just not care about the users? The users who have the money you need.

I don’t want to watch tumblr die a slow and painful death like Twitter is.

And you know there’s something oddly poetic about tumblr, the quirky kid, tearing itself apart just to fit in with the popular kids which won’t work out and only lead to hollow friendships that can turn on a dime when you could have found meaningful relationships with the other weirdos who like your quirks and flaws and would have been ride or die for you.

But no we gotta be like Twitter so let’s chop off our arms and legs becsuse that’s what they’re doing

Tkdr listen to your users and open an donations sight so you can keep being tumblr and get money for it okay? Okay. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

[stevetown]

On The New Tumblr Desktop Dash

I've been using the new Tumblr desktop dashboard for a few days now and I have some Thoughts that I thought would be useful to put out in to the wild. Most of the reaction I've seen has been...abnormally harsh about this UI update, so I think it would be interesting to actually go through the changes and point out what I like, what I don't, what I think could use some improvement, and maybe break down a little about why those Twitter comparisons are way off the mark.

More below the fold, but the tldr for me is - I think it's great! At the end of the day, I feel like I use the desktop version of Tumblr more and more since the change. Whereas before I used to just pick up my phone and refresh the app, now I get a hit of dopamine flipping over to the Tumblr tab when I need a work break.

The change is clean and logical, and as someone who came to Tumblr a year ago and still never quite grokked what all the icons at the top meant, having them spelled out is much nicer than guessing what they mean, even for someone who has become more familiar with the site. And to be clear, from what I can tell that's the goal of this change - to make it easier for newer people to use Tumblr and find their way around. Despite all the hate this change is getting, that is an unabashedly good thing.

The Left Nav

It's really, really clean. The old dash had a lot of unused space on the left, it makes sense to carve some of that out to have a menu that actually lays out what each icon means. The font size and style is comfortable without overcrowding. It just feels more...confident? Like these are the features Tumblr has. Use them! It's also just a more familiar web browser experience for anyone who has been using web apps since the dawn of email.

The badges also fit much nicer with the left nav. They don't float above an unclear icon, they're right next to what it says on the tin. You got 20 new posts to read, buddy. 5 new notifications. 1 anon ask. It's just better on my eyes.

I do understand the gut reaction that things are "too" cluttered. One of the first things I did was snooze Tumblr live and that helped me out a lot. Just removing all of the noise of live tags and loading-in thumbnails of people I'm not interested in watching went very far. It brought the post content further up on the screen.

A little before and after snoozing Live:

Explore

I didn't even know what Explore was used for before. It was a compass icon. I think I thought it was some kind of search? I can't remember if I ever clicked on it before. Explore is much more interesting to me. It makes me curious. For a site that struggles with getting new users to find new content, it's a beacon that says "Find some cool new stuff!"

My problem with Explore is that clicking on it...doesn't get me much. The landing page just takes me to a feed from @todayontumblr that almost never has any content that I'm interested in. The "For You" tab on my regular dash is where I go mining for new blogs, along with "Your Tags." If Staff finds this change leads to more Explore click-throughs, I'd love if the tab itself get some love and made it a hub for finding new content easier. Maybe mixing up a feed of any tags you're following, trending posts, and other algorithmically sorted goodies that I'll want to take off the shelf and put in my chronological dash. I want it to be a place with the goal of encouraging me to follow new blogs.

Live

The transition to the Live page doesn't feel good to me. You're taken to a totally different kind of page, and the UI jumps all the way to the left. It feels like you're going to a separate site. At least when you snooze Live it also removes the menu item. That's really nice! But I'll save Live thoughts for another day.

Activity/Messages/Inbox

I never knew how much I suspected these things were a bit redundant, but I'm glad now that they're separated and labeled correctly. I don't have to remember what the face icon/mail/lightning bolt all mean or why they're different. Things are much cleaner in that regard.

I don't really care for the popups when you click on them. Those do feel cluttered to me, like I'm going to lose sight of my dash, or the notifications. I don't have much UX advice here, other than to say I think I prefer how the Inbox is handled, where you're just taken to a full page view of the page. However maybe another solution would be how the Account and Settings icons are conducted...

Account/Settings

This is the section that sold me on the new dash. On the old dash, I found navigating the Account and Settings options...ephemeral. I was afraid I was going to lose my place if I didn't find the menu I needed. Here, having them slide out as a drawer, keeps me in place and lets me orient myself easier. It's made exploring settings overall frictionless. I've changed dash palettes like ten different times just because I could and it was easy to find. Maybe something similar for inbox/messages/activity would make the UI feel more consistent and less overcluttered-feeling?

I do notice that the Account dropdown adds a new scrollbar which makes things like the t logo and badges jump to the left. That can be a bit disorienting.

TumblrMart/Get a Domain

The Get a Domain menu item is fine, but TumblrMart feels like it needs some love. On a new refresh, clicking the icon loads for a total six seconds before the mart pops up. By this point, if I wasn't intentionally testing, I would have just moved on. Again, I also just don't like pop-ups like this. Feels loosey. Much prefer the full-spread domain page you get.

Create

This is maybe my least favorite change. Every time I switch to my Tumblr tab, I see it in the bottom left and think it's the "Where were we?" button. When I do want to create a post, it feels like I have to travel far to get to the button, and then I have to travel again when the dots come up to select what type of post I'm making.

I wonder if just tucking it at the bottom of the menu under "Get a domain" would be better? Or at the top of the menu? Not sure. I feel in my jellies there's a better spot for this one.

On Twitter

If I can address the most frequent criticism I see on this site, which is that @staff are trying hard to "ruin" Tumblr by "turning it into Twitter," I understand that gut reaction.

But I'd encourage folks to think about that for a minute. UIs change, and a left-aligned nav is extremely common for a reason. Since the dawn of email, menu navigation has been relegated to a left sidebar. Twitter is not "burning to the ground" because their nav bar was on the left. Having a left sidebar means literally nothing in the grand scheme of what makes a website what it is.

What, truly, has this nav update changed? It does not change the functionality of the site at its core at all. It doesn't change what you can post, how you can post, what content you find, reblogs, or tags. For a site that struggles with new users "getting" the site and finding their way around, this nav change makes it much easier to settle in with something a bit more ubiquitous to the modern browser-viewing experience.

Thus leading me to believe the only reason people hate on this change so vehemently is they don't want to see new users or any effort at all to attract them at all, and I think that's exclusionary crap. Knock it off.

Change is Scary!

That said, the change is scary! Having your muscle memory interrupted isn't fun and can take a while to get used to. Every change has a growing period. I get that. For me, I got over that period fairly fast, but I recognize this process is different for everyone, especially those who have been around here for a lot longer than I have.

The change is also open for valid criticism. There are usability and likely accessibility concerns for sure. Staff needs time to iterate, and they need to know what problems are actually worth fixing and addressing. "I hate it turn it back" doesn't help anyone - it doesn't help Staff, and it doesn't help new users who are trying find a new place on the internet to call home after *shakes fist at the rest of the internet.*

I really like this change as a starting point, and I can't wait to see it iterated on further.

And on a small end note, if you also have thoughts and opinions that you want to tell Staff, please, please, please remember there are other human beings on the other end of line.

[megafreeman]

This post is fucking hilarious because these are insanely misleading and completely ignore user feedback in order to construct a gotcha.

So let's break it all down then!

Its a standard feature of a blogging platform. Tumblr DID not invent blogging.

Again, standard feature of a blogging platform. Would you prefer if we started saying you are copying Google's "Blogger" instead of Twitter?

3rd standard blogging feature. Any more standard feature expected from a blogging platform you wanna name?

The only premium upgrade Tumblr has is a paid ad-blocker. The announcement post for it is dated Feb 24, 2022, meanwhile the announcement post for Twitter Blue is dated Jun 3, 2021. That's 265 days before Tumblr introduced it. (In other words, this statement is a lie)

You both copied tabs from TikTok. You do not get credit for this. Its one of the most complained things yall introduced because it was a blatant attempt to be TikTok.

What was first on WordPress does not count since the topic here is Tumblr. Polls were on Twitter long before Automattic owned Tumblr, and the feature here on Tumblr isn't even a year old. I remember this very vividly because in August 2022, we had to host a Tumblr Sexyman poll on Twitter because this site didn't have a feature.

You copied this from Patreon.

This is the only thing Tumblr excels at. The search function is probably the best one remaining on the internet even with its flaws.

This point is completely redundant. The threat is supposedly about features Twitter copied off Tumblr. None of these features are on Twitter and serves no purpose being on this list. However, its extremely bad that yall are using custom themes and domains as a way to flex, when your new redesign is actively trying its hardest to phase out the personal site side of Tumblr, to the point where you can no longer even access custom pages feature from mobile (or even desktop, if you aren't fluent in Tumblr and know all the extra buttons you gotta click to open it because the site prioritizes the tumblr.com/username pages over username.tumblr.com, and there's no way to opt out of the former).

And the 4th standard blogging feature. God, remember when we could edit other people's responses? Or completely remove unnecessary comments like the parts of a reblog chain? (or speaking of that specifically, how yall removed the feature to go back in the reblog chain and reblog versions of the post without that comment)

Nice attempt tho! You missed a few other thinks Twitter also copied from you.

Banning people for posting about social justice (Here's Elon Musk doing it)

Banning people for criticizing the staff and decision making (Here's Elon Musk doing it)

Transphobia within staff (Here's Elon saying he bought Twitter because he hates trans people on it)

I don't even hate that yall are trying out new things, trial and error and all that. Whatever keeps the site functional in a long run. But this being a response to criticism just isn't it. Its not a competition of who did it first, its about who has a better functional site. The only thing yall are competing in with this attitude is whose site will get shut down first. Every lil bit of feedback is valueable, even the crazy loud ones, because all of them draw their opinions from their love for this site.

And the new layout just ain't it. A lot of people make amazing points about why, and they're all right. It's something that makes Twitter feel bad and bloated, and now it also makes Tumblr feel bloated too. Probably a bad idea to do a massive redesign before hiring designers though. I'd recommend listening to the massive amounts of feedback, find a proper designer (please no ex-Twitter or ex-Meta staff), stop pretending Twitter is copying you because you copied it off TikTok first, and stop copying bad features from sites and instead embrace the things that make Tumblr stand out. I promise you, TikTok users will never adapt to Tumblr because they're on TikTok for short video format, not blogging format and gifsets.

Twitter is Copying Us, not vice versa

I keep getting asks saying "stop copying Twitter." We're not! If anything it's going the other way with them copying us.

Long posts, which were on Tumblr first.

Mixing text and rich media, which Tumblr did first.

If we go way back, supporting images and embedding media in the first place, which Twitter didn't used to do. (Remember twimg and Photobucket?)

A premium upgrade, which we did on Tumblr first.

They copied our tabs.

Polls, which were on WP.com/Jetpack first.

Subscriptions to individual creators, which we did first with Post+.

Tags existed on Tumblr first.

We have Asks! And custom domains! And custom themes!

We supported editing first, you couldn't do that on Twitter until relatively recently.

Now obviously they have 20x the monthly users we do, so have executed better in a number of ways:

Their native ads provide much more targeting.

Per-post metrics.

Lists and communities.

Direct Messaging. (Though theirs is still not great.)

Much more robust and real-time search.

They did livestreaming first.

Their apps and web QA seem more stable. I've never experienced an app crash there.

It's easier to navigate RTs and comment/reply to them than reblogs.

What did I miss?

[splodey-goat]

There's a lot of decisions that Tumblr is making aren't even necessarily horrible but done so bafflingly I think I hate it more than if they just did it bad you know?

WHY is the little flag that tells me there's new posts moved from the bar up top to the list of tabs, but CLICKING the following tab doesn't refresh my dashboard? It also doesn't update the little counter on the tab up top so I have to actually click back over to Tumblr to see if there's anything, but notifications do??? Notifications didn't do that before because they're not important.

It's gotta be something buggy because I never got cursed with the sidebar Twitter layout thing but then that raises further questions about why more UI updates went through without the last one even rolling out right

[nygmobblepot-trash]

Oswald gets a Twitter and it goes exactly how you would expect. This is a joke. Oswald is terrible here.

Ed: "We need a new strategy if you want to get reelected as Mayor."

Oswald: "No we don't. I always win."

Ed: "You've lost favor with the 18 to 30 demographics. My projects show that you're probably not going to win."

Oswald: "So what? Open a new park for the kid to play in?"

Ed: "Comments like that need to stop. Social medial is very popular. Most don't watch the news anymore. You could make an account and post your policies and interact with them."

Oswald: "Fine I'll interact with the poor."

Ed: "On second thought, I'll run it for you. You don't have to do anything."

*3 months after Ed made Oswald an Twitter. It is a very formal and boring Twitter. It oozes fakeness. Ed is mad that his plan isn't working. Oswald has just figured out the password.*

Oswald: "This doesn't sound like me at all! What are these replies?"

"Hi Ed."

"We know Oswald doesn't know how to use the internet."

"If you're going to post for Oswald you could at least not make it sound exactly like your twitter."

"Edward we know you are dying to post riddles, do it."

"How much do you guys want to bet that Oswald has no idea that this exists?"

"#LetOswaldTweet"

Oswald: "So much for Ed's plan, outsmarted by the general public. Oh wait. There's a news section on here?"

Oswald clicks the news tab and immediately sees a tweet with a picture of Ed and a man he has never seen before.

"Nygma's new fling?" The text reads.

Oswald immediately pushes the blue plus button and starts a new tweet.

"Edward Nygma is a whore." And pushes tweet.

Oswald then shuts his phone off and falls asleep on the couch without another thought.

3 hours later.

Ed: "Wake up!"

Oswald awakes to find a very angry Ed and Oswald's assistant.

Ed shoving his phone in Oswald's face: "What the actual hell is this?"

Oswald squints at the screen now blasting him with a bright light. When his eyes finally adjust he sees his Twitter profile.

Oswald: "I'm connecting with the younger generation." Oswald shrugged.

Ed: "This is not what I meant and you know that! I told you I'd deal with it!"

Oswald: "Yeah you were really connecting with three likes per tweet and no retweets... whatever the fuck that means."

Ed to the assistant: "I'm going to kill him."

The assistant: "...well I hate to say this but Oswald's tweet went viral."

Ed: "Yes it can be seen as a disgusting disease."

The assistant: "No it's a good thing. 300 thousand likes, 70 thousand retweets, and 95 thousand comments. You're both now trending on Twitter. #EdIsAWhore, EdIsntAWhore, and OswaldHacked. Are all trending."

Oswald: "Hacked?"

Ed: "They're debating if someone broke into your account and started tweeting like they were you."

Oswald: "Like I could get hacked."

Ed and the assistant walk away to discuss what to do. They're still in the room just farther away from Oswald.

Oswald taking offense to the hacking comments decides to prove it is him. As Ed argues with the assistant, Oswald takes a picture of Ed and quickly types a new tweet.

It takes 15 minutes for Ed to notice what Oswald has done.

Ed: "OSWALD COBBLEPOT WHY IS MY ASS TRENDING ON TWITTER?"

Oswald: "This app is great."

Ed: "What does this even mean?"

"That tweet was as real as Ed's ass"

Oswald: "They needed to know as mayor I cannot be hacked. I'm too strong. I gave you a complement. Your ass is real, is it not?"

Assistant: "That is harassment."

Ed: "Why did someone reply with your picture that they edited with a yellow sponge licking me. What does that even mean?"

Oswald: "What?" He quickly starts reading the comments.

Ed reading off the replies:

"God damn."

"I see why Oswald thirsts for Ed."

"Oswald is down bad for real."

"I could fix him."

"Good for him."

"The riddle suits aren't doing you justice."

"I could make him worse."

"Can I vote for Ed's butt?"

"RiddleDaddy"

"I'm about to risk it all."

"You guys shouldn't be thirsting for him. Aren't you afraid what Oswald will do?"

"His ass is worth it. See you all on the otherside."

"Maybe Ed isn't a whore. He can't help it if everyone wants a piece."

"Yall need therapy."

"His ass is a 10 but he constantly says riddles."

Ed: "Wow. I didn't know I was this popular. You know what? This was a good move. Your assistant says you're up 12 points."

Oswald: "Fuck that! How do I delete this? Why do they all want you? That isn't allowed! Of course you'd be into this you God damn attention whore."

Ed: "This is your punishment. Deal with it. I changed the password."

Oswald: "Ed no!"

Ed: "I have 3 thousand new followers. Cool."

Oswald: "They just want picture of your ass. They don't care about your riddles!"

Ed: "You don't care either."

Oswald: "I love your stupid riddles! Delete your account and tell me more."

Ed: "...No."

[tpwkwriter]

In my remorse.

Where y/n reads something she wished she didn’t.

———

Y/n couldn’t snap her blurry eyes away from the screen, page after page of ‘Harry styles former girlfriend finally lost weight?’ Or ‘is y/n y/l/n really using former one direction member harry styles for money?’ It ranged from her looks to there relationship.

The girl felt smaller then ever, did people really believe she used harry? Hell did harry think that?

Her wet eyes scanned the laptop infront of her and wondered why she even did this? News article after news article, and even Twitter was opened and for hate this was a Landmine of them. She understood people were jealous of course they were going to be but she didn’t expect comment after comment of just sheer amount of hate towards her.

With her mixed emotions of frustration, sadness, anger and distress she picked up her phone and clicked on her boyfriends contact, she was aware of the time but she just needed somebody. After three seconds she is saved with the voice of her love.

“Lovie? What’s up” he asked laced with sleep and contentment.

“Harry..I need you” she urged with a sniffle that indicated she was upset

“Say no more love m’on my way” and with that you could here him pick up his car keys from his bedside table.

——

Within 5 minutes H arrived, he walked into the house looking for his lovie, he walked up the stairs and found her bedroom door slightly open he took that as a signal that she was in there.

“Lovebug?” He hummed, lightly tapping on the door and pushing it open.

His lovebug was a sight for sore eyes, her face flushed and eyes puffy and hair messy and tossed from where she’s clearly been pulling it.

“M’angel” he rushed to her side, sitting next to her on the bed, cupping her face examining her face,

“What’s got you like this hmm?” He he frowned wrapping his arms around around her pulling her into him and cradling her as if she was a baby.

With no word she hid her face into his chest, just wanting to be held and loved.

“Y/n..darling what’s going on hmm? What’s going in that pretty little mind” he urged kissing her head

“Cant make it better if you don’t tell me” after holding her tightly to his chest his hold loosened when he spotted her open laptop, with his left hand he gently picked it up exposing several tabs of Twitter, news articles, and even hate accounts.

Fuck...he mentally thought

“Baby girl..fuck im so sorry you had to see all that m’angel so so sorry” he exclaims cuddling her and rocking her slightly.

“They all hate me h-Harry” she cries scrunching her hand into his hoodie. “I haven’t done anything, I really haven’t”

Harry’s heart breaks at the sight and sound of his lovie at this point, he just wishes he could take her away from the world and just protect her from everything including the shitty media.

“M’angel, you haven’t done anything apart from being my bestest girl hmm? It’s them sick twisted fucks who have done shit” he goes on

“They a-all think I t-take your money and use y-you and I h-hate it” she whispered

“Hey,hey none of that lovebug, you know that’s not true, I know that’s not true”

——

After moments of consoling y/n, Harry felt so sick and bad for what she had just gone through, the fact they hurt HIS love to the point where she can’t even speak it drastically hurt him aswell, he’d had enough.

He’d sent y/n for a hot, bubble bath that he ran himself, while he called publicists and managements about this entire situation, he also took a chance to block all of those Twitter accounts on her laptop and block those articles, when it came to his lovie he wouldn’t mess about.

He had no doubt about staying the night so he poured them selves both a cup of tea to enjoy before falling into a slumber.

Y/n walked out from the bathroom in one of his hoodies he had left here and his boxers on.

“Feel alright love?” He asks concern filling his green eyes

“Yeah” she shyly smiled while crawling into the bed and being embraced from her loving boyfriend.

“Don’t like seeing you like that, and I hate the world for making ya upset, kills me” he said pressing kisses to her forehead.

“S’not your fault H, don’t beat yourself up over it” she informs snuggling further into him.

“I love you Harry, I love how much you care, I love how real you are..I love how you seem to comfort me and make me feel the safest I’ve ever been, don’t care about the fame or the money or the fans, I just love you” she rambles

That was music to Harry’s ears, that’s all he wants.

“May come to shock lovie but, quite love you too, and you know I never believe them tabloids, the trust and love I have for you is endless”

———

While y/n was dosed off next to him all he could think about was protecting and shielding her from all things bad, he lie down next to her and took in that she was all his and no one or nothing could change that.

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 5x01- Previously on...

Welcome back!! I’m so excited to be writing one of these again. I think this hiatus has been the longest I’ve gone without new Diane Lockhart content in ten years, and it sure feels like it. A lot of important stuff has happened in the time since TGF season four ended (not concluded—ended). Most notably, CBS All Access became Paramount+ and suddenly started offering a lot of content I care about! I kid. 2020 was quite an eventful year, so I was curious how television’s most topical show was going to take it on. TGF is always forward-looking, but too much happened in 2020 to be ignored. And while I didn’t think TGF would have much to say about the pandemic, it seemed impossible to imagine a season five that pretended it never happened. Going into this premiere, I was expecting that they’d either skip COVID entirely or include very few references, but after seeing this episode, I feel like the writers took the only approach that made sense. And that is why they are the writers, and I'm just some girl on the internet who writes recaps.  

Anyway, before I dive into the episode, I should also note that my pandemic boredom spurred me to actually pay $30 to watch this episode early as part of the virtual ATX Festival. Yes, I paid $30 on top of the money I spend every month on Paramount+ for this show. But I write tens of thousands of words about each TGF episode—are my priorities really that surprising? I note this not to brag or even to poke fun at myself, but because watching the episode before I knew a single thing about it (not even the title!) completely changed my viewing experience. I’ve never had an experience like this with TGW or TGF. I’m one to search for critics tweeting cryptically about screeners and refresh sites looking for background extras (haven’t done this in the TGF era, though) and read every single piece of press I can find. For any big episode, I usually know the outline of what to expect going in (I even knew about Will before the episode aired in the US!). Not this one! So, I got to be surprised, and I had to—gasp—formulate my own opinions before I knew what anyone else thought! It was really pleasant, actually. I think the structure of the episode worked extremely well for me because it caught me by surprise... and also because I’m the kind of person who somehow managed to write a college paper about Previously On sequences.

I see Tumblr has made it so that “keep reading” expands the post in your dash instead of opening a new tab. I absolutely hate this. Here is a link to the post you can click instead of the keep reading button! 

The ATX stream started mid-sentence, meaning I missed the “Previously On... 2020...” title card and skipped right to Adrian saying “I’m retiring.” It was pretty easy to pick up on the device (the directness of the scenes at the start, their cadence, and their placement in the episode made it clear this was meant to mimic a Previously) but the second title card hit way harder because... well, I had no idea if this was meant to be 2020 or some moment outside of real time until a bit later in the episode.  

Man, before I get any farther into this, two things that I don’t know where else to put. First, this episode had to cover so much ground. They had to write out both Adrian and Lucca—more on that later--, figure out how to deal with all of 2020, figure out how to either wrap up or continue all the truncated season 4 plotlines, and set the stage for a new season... in 50 minutes.  

Second, just wanna shout out the Kings’ other Paramout+ show, Evil, which you should absolutely be watching even if you hate horror. Evil is a Kings show, so it is unsurprisingly topical (sometimes evil takes the form of racism or misogyny or Scott Rudin) and at times very, very funny. I would be recapping it if Paramount+ weren’t attacking me personally by airing it at the same time as TGF. Ever hear of too much of a good thing, people?! (On that note, I am VERY upset with myself for not having made a Good vs Evil joke about the Good shows and Evil. I didn’t even think about it until Robert King made the joke on Twitter, and it was right fucking there. How did I fail so miserably?!)  

So STR Laurie, who wants a 20% downsizing, is still a thing. Noted.

This scene with Landau is the only one in this previously that is actually old footage, right?  

Unexpected Margo Martindale! Yay! (Ruth Eastman is a character who is so much more effective on Fight than she was on Wife and I’m quite glad they’ve had her appear on Fight several times. It kind of redeems season seven. Kind of.)

I don’t think the writers intentionally chose for Adrian’s book deal to be with Simon & Schuster because it is the most politically fraught publisher (the number of stories about controversial memoirs they’ve picked up in 2021 alone...) but I kind of like that Adrian’s Road Not Taken involves S&S. My guess is they chose S&S because it is owned by ViacomCBS.  

“Years ago, I wanted to create a law firm run entirely by women, but it never worked out. So, why not now?” Diane says to Liz. One of the advantages of having twelve (!!!) seasons of Diane Lockhart is that we’ve seen what she’s talking about. And we’ve seen her put this idea forward multiple times, too. I have my reservations about Diane’s brand of feminism, and I’ll say more about how fraught a Diane/Liz firm would be as the show explores the potential issues there, but on the surface I’m kind of excited about the prospect of a Diane/Liz led firm. Diane has wanted this for ages, Liz is a good partner, and this actually makes sense (unlike the nonsensical Diane/Alicia alliance of late season seven, where the only rationale was “well, Alicia needs to betray Diane in the finale, but they’re not on good terms. So maybe we make them business partners so then the betrayal stings more?”). Plus I fully love that Diane would end up running a firm with Alicia’s law school rival.

(Has TGF mentioned that Liz and Alicia were law school rivals? No. Am I still clinging on to that as a large part of Liz’s character? ABSOLUTELY.)

Julius is on trial for Memo 618 reasons; Diane is defending him. So this is still happening. (There’s more old footage here.)  

Do they put these references to one/two party consent in these episodes as a wink at the fans? It has to be intentional. (Please do not ask me what the actual law is on this, this show has thoroughly confused me.)  

I knew Cush was filming stuff for TGF, but I didn’t know it was for the premiere. She was just posting about it a few weeks ago, so either they shot a lot of it right before air or she posted a while after filming. Anyway, yay Lucca!  

Bianca’s still around. And, TGF gets to shoot New York for New York, since Bianca is there. I do wish TGF could do more location shoots; there’s something about seeing an actual skyline that feels more real.  

Bianca wants Lucca, who has never been outside of the country (except to St. Lucia, as Bianca reminds her) to go to London and buy her a resort. It’s supposed to be a three week stay and Bianca’s already arranged childcare. Speaking of children, because of COVID and filming constraints, that’s Cush’s real kid in this scene! You can’t really see him, but I recognized his curly hair from Cush’s Instagram, and the Kings confirmed in an interview.  

Adrian wants to write a book about police brutality cases he’s worked on. Ruth very much does not want him to write that book. She wants him to write a book without substance about how white people and black people can work together. He, understandably, has no interest in writing this book. (Also, you can see in the background that Ruth doesn’t think Biden’s odds of winning the Democratic primary are good—there is a big down arrow next to his picture, which definitely dates this scene.)

Oh, David Lee is in this episode. He acts like an asshole towards Marissa when she’s trying to help him.  

Marissa, not happy with the lack of respect, calls Lucca for advice “for a friend.” Lucca mentions she’s in London and Marissa does not believe her and keeps going on and on about her frustrations and her new desire to become a lawyer—quickly.  

Marissa wanting to become a lawyer because she “hates being talked down to” is not a plot I would’ve expected but it’s also one that makes a lot of sense. I think Marissa’s used to being respected and praised even when she’s doing things that aren’t glamorous, so I see how she’d get very restless when she’s no longer outperforming expectations and is instead taken for granted.  

Bells toll in the background on Lucca’s side and Marissa asks where she is. Lucca again notes she’s in London and Marissa still doesn’t believe her.

I’m going to miss Lucca so much, especially since we’ll also be losing a lot of the Millennial Friendship scenes with her. Cush is fantastic (even if she never really got enough to do here) and she plays so well off of the rest of the cast. I even sometimes liked the writing for Maia (who?) when she had scenes with Lucca, Lucca is that good.  

Jay wakes up sweating and unable to breathe, so he deliriously calls his father-figure Adrian. This whole scene is shot like something out of Evil and (I’m getting ahead of myself here) this plot is the only thing about this episode I felt was a misstep.  

“I think you’re my father,” Jay says to Adrian. Heh, I didn’t catch this line the first time around (maybe subliminally I did, since I just called Adrian his father figure lol) but I love that it is included here. Adrian and Jay’s relationship definitely deserves a goodbye.

Adrian calls an ambulance and also gets to Jay before the ambulance somehow. Adrian notes that Jay might have “this thing from China” and... we’re doing the pandemic, y’all. (Minor nitpick: on March 13th, 2020, when this scene is dated, COVID was not “this thing from China”-- we were all aware of it. March 11th was the day Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson announced they’d tested positive and the NBA shut down and travel was restricted and every single brand that had my email sent me a message about their plans and measures. March 12th was the last time I was in my office, and we’d been getting emails telling us to wash our hands and prepare to work remotely for weeks. I went to San Francisco in mid-late February and distinctly remember deciding to leave a burrito unattended on a table while I washed my hands because I was paranoid about COVID... and then I remember making a specific trip to Walgreens to buy hand sanitizer so that didn’t happen again. My point is, Adrian lives in the same world I do. On March 13th 2020, he would not be treating COVID like it was some new thing he’d vaguely heard of.)  

(I am going to nitpick this timeline, but please know that I’m only doing it because I can, not because I think it’s necessarily a bad choice. Lines like this do feel a little forced, but I see the reason for introducing COVID as something new rather than going for the line that’s exactly historically accurate. I also am pretty sure there are references to dates in March/April in s4 of TGF that are now going to be contradicted by this episode, but I truly do not care. The writers get a pass on this one.)  

We skip slightly back in time to the beginning of March after the MARCH 13TH title card, or maybe this is supposed to be after March 13th and my own memories are preventing me from believing these face-to-face interactions were happening. Who knows.

Michael Bloomberg is... here, again, I guess? He asks Diane to assist with a Supreme Court case about gun control. I guess it does add some weight to the plot and make the stakes feel higher.  

Oh hey, this case is the 7x17 case!!!! Love that continuity.  

Diane and Adrian are both at the office late, working, and there is an unnecessary split screen that feels even more unnecessary when you consider that the editing alone was enough to create the parallel.  

Diane and Adrian have a nice convo (which I’ll really miss, their dynamic is great and this really feels like a successful partnership) as they wait for the elevator. When the elevator dings, they nearly tumble down into nothingness because... the elevator never came. Apparently this is a reference to an law old show I’ve never seen that killed off a character this way, and it’s meant to be a wink at how they are not going to kill off Adrian.

I do not know why I remember this, but I do: after they killed off Will, a critic (Noel Murray; I just googled to confirm my memory) who didn’t want to spoil things tweeted, “Exactly 23 years and 2 days ago, Rosalind Shays fell down an elevator shaft.” Please tell me why I remember this reference that I didn’t even understand well enough to have tracked down the original tweet in under a minute. (https://twitter.com/NoelMu/status/447942456827326464)  

Back on this show, Diane and Adrian share a drink and talk about their wishes. Diane wants to argue in front of the Supreme Court, and Adrian encourages her to speak up. His own near-death experience motivates him to trash the book Ruth has him writing, and Diane trashes the (bad) legal strategy someone else prepared for the Supreme Court.

DIANE IS WEARING JEANS!!!!!! Tbh, I think my favorite part of this episode is how many slice-of-life scenes and settings we get. These are always my favorite moments. I love the satirical and political stuff too, but the character moments are what get me invested enough to write these. (Yes, Diane in jeans constitutes a character moment.)  

Diane tells Bloomberg she wants to be involved and advocates for herself. Kurt gets a call on their landline (hahaha) from Adrian.

God, I love Diane and Kurt. Not only is their banter fun, you can just see a different, more relaxed side of Diane in these scenes. Diane tells Kurt she has good news for herself, but bad news for him since she’s arguing for gun control. She asks him to help her prep for court, too.  

So this is before Jay is rushed to the hospital, because now we are back at the hospital with Julius, Diane, and Marissa. I do not believe any of these people would be setting foot in a hospital like it’s any other day on March 13th, 2020. But I'm trying not to nitpick.

I get why they chose to give Jay a rather severe case of COVID. I just don’t get literally anything else that follows from the initial shock of Jay having COVID.  

I see why the writers chose March 20th (the actual Illinois stay at home order) as the next date for this timeline. I still do not believe that people were in this particular office on that date.  

You know what else I don’t believe? That RBL just shut down for two weeks and was like, no work is being done. Did law firms really do this? I can believe it if it’s an excuse to cost-cut, and I know there were massive layoffs, but this seems... really weird???  

Why are they setting up a teleconferencing infrastructure (didn’t they have one at LG? In season five?) if they are not planning to do work?  

Lol Diane explains what Zoom is, very slowly. She asks everyone to “download a program called Zoom.com” which is one of the first Zoom jokes I’ve chuckled at in a while.  

Marissa is not happy to hear that there’s no work for her in a work-remote world (this I believe 100%), so she calls Lucca again with more questions about law school.

Love these NYC and London location shots. Wish they could do that for Chicago.

Lucca asks Bianca to help get Marissa into a law school, fast, and Bianca tells Lucca to use her name... then offers her a job.

Marissa is at the office, alone, boxing up her things, when one of the office phones rings with some dude offering her a spot in a law school class. I guess we are really all-in on this! (Why would Lucca have given a firm phone number not specific to Marissa, though?)

Adrian and his corrupt girlfriend decide to shelter in place together. I still do not understand why he is okay with her being corrupt. I also don’t really understand why they’re going from talking about sheltering-in-place to George Floyd. How did we just skip from late March to late May? Are Adrian and corrupt gf having a conversation about sheltering-in-place two months into sheltering in place?  

Okay, I am not doing so good at this no-nitpicking thing. Again, I understand why they need to merge several scenes into one to keep things moving. And I guess they could just be getting around to this conversation.

I’m going to nitpick again, I can’t help myself. How did we just go from a scene of Adrian specifically talking about sheltering in place to a scene of Adrian bursting into a bustling and maskless DNC headquarters room? How!? The only masks in this scene are on TV!! There are like ten people in this scene!  

Anyway, more importantly, Adrian tells Ruth off and screams at her that she needs to listen to him instead of acting like she knows the way forward. He is completely right.  

Why is travel from London closing down in May 2020? Is it because this scene is supposed to be at a different place in the episode? Liz is asking Lucca to come back home from her three week stay in London (which has now lasted three months but travel is just now closing down), and Lucca’s hesitant to come home.

This is all happening via Zoom, btw. Lucca’s in her hotel, Diane and Adrian are at their respective homes, and Liz is in the office. All of this feels right. There is a chat off to the side of the screen where you can see Adrian and the others discussing how to unmute on Zoom. Very real. Though probably not very real in late May 2020. Feels more like April. I am convinced this scene got spliced in later to help the episode flow because everything in this scene (except the TV footage that definitely was added later) feels like it should be happening in the March section.  

Lucca mentions that Bianca offered her a job, and at this point we as viewers know how things are going to go—Lucca's going to end up taking it. Liz types in the Zoom chat that they don’t want to lose Lucca. When Lucca tells them how much Bianca’s offering ($500k/year, go Lucca!), Diane types “Shit.” into the chat. “Shit’s right,” Liz replies. “Yes... What should our counter be?” Diane replies. Lucca is kind enough to point out the messages are not private (again, this feels like March not May) but I think knowing that their reaction to topping $500k is “shit” tells her all she needs to know.  

Diane’s background still says that RBL is a division of STR Laurie. Weird how little we are hearing about the overlords except the 20% staff cut.  

Liz and Adrian chat and decide the only way to keep Lucca is to make her a partner. Which, yeah, if you’d just made her a partner years ago when you told her she was in the running for partner and then offered it to fucking MAIA, maybe she wouldn’t be considering Bianca’s offer. Lucca is definitely one of RBL’s stars, and I don’t think she’s wrong to feel like they don’t value her enough. They treat her well enough to be upset about losing her, but not well enough to have already made her partner and not well enough to actually give her authority (even though she runs a whole department). I’d be pretty unhappy too. It kind of feels sometimes like they take her for granted, and I don’t know that Lucca is one to feel like she owes a company anything. She’s more of an “I’m out for myself” type.  

Madeline and the other partner we’ve seen a few times who isn’t Liz/Diane/Adrian, walk into the office (wearing masks! Which they take off as soon as they enter a room with Liz! Without asking her if she is okay with this! TV logic!) and ask who is replacing Adrian. They think this is a good time to reevaluate having a white name partner of an African American firm, and they are spot on. Liz tries to deflect, noting that Diane is already a name partner and was before Liz even joined, but Madeline and other partner (whose name I really wish they would say so I can stop calling him “other partner”) won’t let up. Their position is that Diane shouldn’t have been made a name partner then—all she did was bring in ChumHum, an account that quickly left the firm. Good point.  

“What is this firm if it’s not African American? It’s just another midsized all-service Midwestern law firm, one of 50,” Madeline argues. The other partner says Liz needs to remove Diane and promote two African Americans to name partner. Liz laughs and asks if they mean themselves. Madeline does not—she's concerned about the number of black associates they’re letting go. Liz heads out, but this conversation is very much ongoing.

And I think it’s a very interesting dilemma! There’s a lot of mileage the writers can get out of this, because I don’t think there’s a right answer or a wrong one. It’s all about what Liz decides she wants the future of the firm to be. If Liz chooses Diane, she might be choosing something that works for her personally or that she thinks is a safer financial bet—but she’ll be choosing to work at a firm that can no longer be thought of as a black firm, and she’ll be choosing to move away from her father’s vision for the firm. And since the plot hinges on what Liz will decide rather than what’s objectively the right path forward, there’s a lot of interesting tension there I can’t wait to see.  

(My favorite thing about Adrian leaving is that Liz will likely get more to do, especially when it comes to managing the firm. Adrian tends to speak up first, but Liz is more than capable of managing without him and I’m so excited to see what she does when her ex-husband isn’t constantly talking over her.)  

Marissa and Lucca video chat with Jay. He’s still in the hospital. One thing that bugs me about how this episode handles COVID is that I never really get the sense that any of the characters are particularly afraid of the virus. Maybe none of them were. But you’d think you’d see a little of that fear, the weird dance of trying to assess others’ comfort levels with masking, etc., in an ep specifically about living through this time. ESPECIALLY since someone they all know and are close to has been hospitalized for MONTHS with this thing! It’s just so weird to go from a scene where people wear masks until they come in contact with other people (when masks matter the most) to a scene of someone in the hospital with COVID.  

And now Jay’s weird hallucinations start as his battery dies on the video chat. I really, truly, hated these hallucinations. I was ready to be done with these from the second they started. They’re weirdly shot, they go on for too long, and they feel like the clunkiest parts of Mind’s Eye when Alicia starts having a debate in her mind about atheism mixed with the (far superior) hospital episode of Evil.  

I don’t have much to say about these hallucinations except that I hated them a lot. When there’s the reveal that Jay is hallucinating a commerical, I almost came around on the hallucinations because that’s kind of funny and inspired. And then several more hallucinations popped up and they had a round table and Jesus got added to the mix and I was like, nope, this is bad in a very uninteresting way. I reject this.  

I feel like the Kings didn’t have much to say about COVID, the actual virus. This episode is definitely more about what the characters’ lives were like during COVID and not the pandemic itself. I think they likely got a lot of their COVID commentary out of their system with their zombie COVID show The Bite (I have not seen The Bite due to it airing on Spectrum On Demand, which I have no way of accessing. Like, I would have to move and then decide to pay for cable in order to watch it.) I also suspect a lot of their commentary on COVID isn’t going to be specific to the virus and is instead going to be about things like mask-wearing and vaccinations becoming political. And, really, that’s just a new variation on talking about polarization... and they’ve been talking about polarization for years.

In fact, they even wrote a whole series about an outbreak of a (space-bug-spread) virus that caused political polarization before Trump was even elected. BrainDead is basically commentary on the pandemic before the pandemic even happened. Soooooo I get why they are more interested in recapping 2020 than in doing a Very Special Episode about themes they’ve been talking about for years. (I still think they would’ve benefitted from at least one character being afraid of getting sick or getting their family sick.)  

There is likely some interesting content in these Jay hallucinations. I hate them so much I cannot find it. You know when you’re just on a completely different wavelength than the writers? This is an example of that.  

Also I’m not a fan of the shadowy directing. I think this is meant to look cooler than it does.  

Have I mentioned yet that I absolutely love the “Previously On” device for this episode? It’s such a fun, propulsive way to get through the slog of 2020. Scenes can be short and to the point, and each scene has to do a lot of lifting to fill in the gaps. I think that leads to scenes that are better constructed and telling on lots of levels—where are people when they’re quarantined? Who’s wearing casual clothes and when? What about this scene defines this character’s life at that moment in time?  

Bizarrely, even though this episode is pretty much all plot (this happens! Then that!), I actually found this to be one of the most character-driven episodes TGF has ever done. There’s a lot of story, but most of that story is about how the characters reacted to 2020 rather than overarching plots that will weigh on the rest of the season. This episode covers a lot of ground, but it does it with character moments that resonate.  

Now it’s July and Diane’s prepping to argue in front of the Supreme Court. Kurt’s helping her witness prep and it gets a little personal... and that ends up turning Diane on. Good to see McHart hasn’t lost its spark. (Remember how Kurt cheated on Diane in season 7 of Wife? No, me neither, because that never happened.)  

Corrupt judge is back. Adrian playfully tries to distract her from work. Then he takes a video call from Liz, who updates him on the conversation she had with John (so that’s his name) and Madeline. I guess that part of May was close to July? Anyway, Adrian isn’t surprised to hear that people are upset at the prospect of Diane being one of two name partners.  

Liz is at the office in workout clothes and I love it!

They’re losing 15 black associates (and Adrian and Lucca) and 4 white ones, Liz says. This sounds like a very big problem. (I’d be curious to know what that is as a percentage of the firm and how the racial composition shifts.)

Liz knows it’s not exactly up to her if Diane stays on as name partner (the other partners get a vote, but I think Liz knows she has a lot of sway here). She’s also wondering if Biden could win, and if so, would it be to the firm’s advantage to be black-owned? Interesting.  

“Well. If you’re thinking it, then Diane’s thinking it, too,” Adrian says. He’s right. “White guilt. It runs verrrrry deep on that one, huh?” Ha. He is right about that, too. I actually can’t decide which of these interpretations is correct, because it could be either even though they seem contradictory. (1) Is Adrian saying it with a hint of mockery because he knows Diane will fight for her partnership even as she would say she’s a huge supporter of black businesses? (2) Is he saying it because he knows Diane would have enough white guilt to realize what her presence as a partner means and think through the implications? I think it is, somehow, a combination. I’m interested in this line because this whole dilemma (from Diane’s POV) is something that’s very familiar. Diane’s always been an idealist who will betray her ideals for personal gain. That sounds like an attack, but I mean that as neutrally as I possibly can. There are so many examples of this that this is kind of just a character trait of hers at this point. Usually those ideals are about feminism, but this situation seems closely related.  

Adrian overhears Corrupt GF talking about Julius, Diane, and Memo 618. You would think she would wait to have this conversation until there is no chance of Adrian overhearing, because if Adrian overhears, he might...

... do exactly what he proceeds to do and hop into a car with Diane to give her a heads up. (I think I’m just going to have to accept that the mask usage rule on this episode is “we use masks to show that the characters would wear them, but we don’t want to have scenes where characters are fully masked because that’s annoying.” If that’s not the rule, then why else would Adrian be masked outside... and then take off his mask as soon as he gets into a confined indoor space with Diane?  

Baranski looks ESPECIALLY like Taylor Swift in this scene.  

Adrian tells Diane what he knows. He dug deeper after overhearing Charlotte, so he has even more info. “If you tell me, I will use it,” Diane warns. Adrian knows that, so he takes a moment to decide. And he decides that he cares more about Diane and Julius than about his relationship with a corrupt judge.  

Diane and Julius are masked in court. Visitor and the judge are not. They use masking in a clever way in this scene: Diane uses being masked to her advantage because it means no one can possibly read her lips, so she can use the info Adrian fed her against Charlotte without any fear of spies. Charlotte, who is unmasked, guards her lips with a folder, as the Visitor watches interestedly.  

Diane convinces Charlotte to recuse herself. Charlotte says she’s making a mistake; Diane does not care.  

The new judge is, unfortunately, the idiot who doesn’t know anything about the law. Uh oh.

Charlotte decides she’s done sheltering in place with Adrian. He tries to talk through the conflict, but Charlotte says “You made your choice, Adrian. Julius Cain over me.”

“The choice was about right and wrong, Charlotte,” Adrian tries to explain. I mean, yeah, but if you’re dating a judge who has admitted she’s totally corrupt, didn’t right and wrong go out the window a while ago?

Adrian seems to think the other people involved in the events are bad and Charlotte is good. I am not convinced. I don’t think she’s the big bad, but I don’t think she’s good.  

Charlotte points out that he invaded her privacy. She is right about that. “You said the choice was between right and wrong. Turning over my emails was the choice,” she said. I get her POV. But also, she is corrupt.  

I do not like the way the part of the scene where Adrian physically restrains Charlotte to keep her from leaving is shot. I don’t think this is an abusive scene but I think it should’ve been shot from a little farther back so we could see it’s more like Adrian reaching out in desperation than trying to choke Charlotte. Because it very much looks like he is trying to choke Charlotte.  

He tells Charlotte he loves her. She says it’s too late and leaves. “Maybe you won’t be with me. But you keep down this path... you’ll be done, I’m telling you, you’ll be done.”

I think something that I’ve been missing in these interactions is that I didn’t quite realize until this scene that the Adrian/Charlotte dynamic is more interesting than Adrian liking a corrupt judge. I think he truly believes Charlotte is a good person who got caught up in some bad stuff, and that she can bounce back from it. I’ve always seen Charlotte as someone who is corrupt for herself and then ended up going along with the corruption of others, too, so I’ve dismissed her and the relationship. This is the first scene that has felt real to me, and the first scene where she’s felt like more than a caricature. Kind of sad it’s the last she’ll get with Adrian—now I’m actually starting to find her interesting. Notice how in these last few sentences I’ve used her name instead of “Corrupt GF”!  

Charlotte says she loved Adrian too, but that’s not enough. Awww.

He can’t really be surprised though, can he?  

Now it is August and we get to see Diane and Liz react to the announcement of Kamala Harris as Biden’s VP pick, and I would like to thank the writers for giving me the opportunity to see Diane and Liz react to this. It’s kind of fan-service, but it’s also a nice tie-in to the girl-power theme of the Diane/Liz alliance.

Diane and Liz realize that Adrian’s probably not a good candidate for 2024 if the DNC only wants one black candidate and Harris is the clear front-runner. Liz suggests keeping him on as partner instead, in a way that very much implies this would be her ideal solution. Diane, being Diane, says she was liking the idea of an all-female firm. Liz hesitantly says she was too, and Diane senses the hesitation.

“Let’s look again at which associates to fire. I’m worried we’re losing too many African Americans,” Diane switches the subject. How have they still not made this decision? If any employees know downsizing is coming, and they’ve had months to act on it, assuming there are jobs elsewhere, people would’ve been jumping ship by now.  

But that’s not the point of this scene. The point of this scene is that Liz corrects Diane: “Black. You can just say Black people.” Very nice moment underlining the tension. Diane means well, but she’s still acting like a white lady who doesn’t know how to act around black people... and she wants to (and, I guess, already does) run a black firm. Major yikes.  

Marissa and Lucca are talking again. Marissa does not want to be in law school—she just wants to be a lawyer. Lucca won’t accept Marissa’s refusal to memorize meaningless rules: “Marissa. I know that you know how to play the game, but you have to pass the bar to get into a position to play the game.” Why does this line make me love Lucca? This line isn’t even anything amazing. It’s just a line that cuts through the bullshit and makes a good point.  

Marissa keeps going, insulting all of her peers and teachers, and Lucca figures out how to cut through that, too: she tells Marissa that she’d hire her as a lawyer if she killed someone, but only if Marissa passes the bar. Marissa is instantly intrigued.  

“Why are you leaving here? I’ll miss you,” Marissa says.  

“Because they won’t pay me what I deserve,” Lucca says in a matter-of-fact tone. “Anyway, I thought they fired you.”  

“But they didn’t mean it. It’s like the smoothie place—they kept trying to fire me and I just kept showing up,” Marissa replies. That checks out. (Love the callback!)  

Lucca tries to get Marissa to come over to England. Marissa shuts that down as Lucca gets a news alert—and it’s not good news.  

Our next date is September 18th, 2020 and I will get my nitpicks out of the way up front! I don’t really know why it is daytime for Lucca when she reads the news, considering it was already the evening in the States when the RBG news broke. And, also, it was Rosh Hashanah, so Marissa probably would not have been sitting in her bedroom studying... she most likely would’ve been with family or friends. OK I’M DONE. FOR NOW.  

Diane is getting ready for her arguments in front of the Supreme Court. It’s almost time! She’s in casual clothes but has on a wonderful mask. She’s standing in front of Kurt’s guns to make a point (love that she’s using her video call background to her advantage) and there are several people in her bedroom getting the tech all set up. I have noted before that they only built one set for Diane’s apartment, and it’s just a massive bedroom. Diane choosing to be in front of the guns does a nice job of cutting off my question about why she’d be arguing in front of the Supreme Court from her bedroom rather than the home office she absolutely would have.  

Kurt walks in and tries to shake hands... he’s clearly not very COVID paranoid, and Diane seems to be, and... that’s something I might have wanted to see? How was Diane okay with Kurt taking risks that also affected her?

Diane confirms she intentionally chose to stand in front of the guns. That’s when Kurt gets the push notification. He pulls Diane into the bathroom to show her the news. He hands her his phone and Diane’s face falls. She starts tearing up. “2020 just won’t let go,” she says, speaking for us all.

Normally I hate things that are like, we’re going to contrive this so the news hits at the worst possible moment! This works for me, because the Supreme Court plot for Diane feels more like something that exists to be a through line for the episode. It would also be a little hard to work in RBG’s death as a main plot point—and it is definitely important enough to be a main plotpoint—if it didn’t also affect something in the world of the show.  

Also, another reason I like this contrivance is that it makes it all the more powerful when Diane says, “It’s over. He gets to nominate someone. Another Kavanaugh! We’ll have a conservative court for the next 20 years. My whole fucking life!” She’s not thinking about how this affects her case (and that case is basically a life-long dream for her). She is thinking about way bigger things, and knowing that her mind goes to the bigger things before the personal with news like this really underlines how big of a deal RBG’s death was.  

Diane tells Kurt, “I don’t deserve you. You don’t agree with me.” “I can still feel bad for you,” he responds. He holds her while she cries.

Jay’s hallucination thing is back. Now Karl Marx is here. So is Jesus. I’m so done with this. It’s nice to get a break from writing.

Malcolm X is also on the roundtable and now they’re talking over each other in that way that everyone on this show always does. (RK gave an interview about Evil where he said he likes having the children on that show talk over each other because he grew up in a household like that. I did not need to read that interview to understand that RK likes scenes where people talk over each other.)  

If anything happened in those hallucinations, I missed it, because I didn’t pause the episode. Because I do not care about the hallucinations. Because I hate them.

Now it’s November 2020... Diane’s watching election results and rocking back and forth. She tells Kurt he can go watch Fox News in the other room (so they do have more than one room!). He says he’s fine—he thinks Diane needs it more.  

“Yes, but Kurt, if you stay, I know this isn’t sensible, but... Trump seems to get more votes whenever you’re sitting on this couch,” Diane tells him. Ha, I relate to this kind of superstition so hard. “Are you serious?” Kurt says. “I am so deathly serious,” Diane responds. “Whenever you’re sitting here, Arizona goes for Trump. Humor me, please. Just go in the other room.”  

When Kurt tries to kiss her, she pulls away: “No, no, no. No kiss. If you kiss me, we’ll lose Georgia.” This scene feels so, so real and perfectly captures what it was like (at least for me, though I don’t have a Republican husband or anything) watching election results come in.  

“Uh, if you lose, we’ll be fine, right?” Kurt asks. “Kurt, let me just say this. I’m only saying that we won’t be fine so that the universe will grant me a win,” Diane responds. This scene is so fun and so good! It simultaneously captures a relatable mood, adds some levity, gives us a window into Diane’s life, and shows some of the tensions in her marriage?! I want this all the time!  

Kurt leaves the room. Diane pours more wine.

Later, with Diane still rocking back and forth with anxiety (just you wait for the several more days this will drag on!), Kurt brings in the champagne. “That was for when Hillary won. I can only drink it if Biden wins,” Diane protests. Did I also refuse to drink any celebratory alcohol until things were absolutely certain? No comment.  

“It’s odd you progressives resisted religion. You seem to have a hundred religions to take its place,” Kurt says, speaking on behalf of the writers’ room. (This joke doesn’t get written if the writers don’t believe this and probably even see it in themselves.)  

“Go away, Trump. I mean Kurt,” she shoos him away. Have I mentioned yet I love this scene?  

“Love me even if you lose?” he jokes (though I do wonder if this isn’t that joking? I think it is, but he keeps saying it!) as Diane gestures at him to get out.  

I could do without the joke about Diane’s heart on the TV for a couple reasons. One, it goes on too long. Two, I was very worried something would actually happen to Diane. You’d think that would make the scene feel more tense, but it does not, because it takes me out of the moment.

“Ok, God. You know I don’t believe in you. But I will believe in you if Joe Biden wins. I’m sorry. I know that that’s not what Jesus taught. There’s nothing in the New Testament that says, ‘Believe in me, and I’ll make sure your candidate wins,’ but I need Joe Biden to win. I’m sorry, God, but I just do. I need some faith.” This is a little much but... yeah. Also, is this the first time Diane’s flat out said she’s an atheist? I think it is, though I’ve assumed as much for quite a while.  

The next day in court, masks are no longer required if you’re a series regular and votes are still being counted. I remember those days. Marissa thought Diane was checking in on Jay... Diane was not. She was checking on vote counts.  

Apparently Jay’s finally being released from the hospital!

Bad news for Julius—the idiot judge finds him guilty of some nonsense charge and sentences him to seven years in prison.  

Diane says not to worry, and Julius asks “Why not?” Good point.

Then we have election results! We skip, specifically, to December 14th and the electoral college vote. I’m a little sad we skipped over the huge party that was November 7th, but I get why they’d rather keep things moving along. I think showing November 7th in an uncomplicated way would’ve just been too close to fanservice. But, man, what a day.  

Diane, in a red hoodie with leopard print that she somehow manages to still look classy in, is ready to pop champagne. Then she hears that on January 6th, a joint session of Congress will count the electoral votes and there might be a debate. “Nope. If I open it now, something bad will happen,” she reasons. “I’ve waited four years. I can wait another few weeks.”

It’s been almost a year and they’re still somehow negotiating with Lucca, but I understand why they’d space this out across the episode. Otherwise we’d have to say goodbye to Lucca in the first like, 15 mins of the episode and all those scenes would be in a row. I can forgive (and still nitpick) choices like this when the reasoning behind them seems sound.  

Adrian says they don’t want to lose Lucca. He, Liz, and Diane are all in the conference room, and they ask Lucca for a yes or no on their latest offer by the end of the call. Diane offers Lucca partner—she'll be the youngest partner in the firm’s history—and she’ll get a $500,000/year salary. Adrian tries to sell her on being part of American history by being part of the firm.

“We are a black firm, Lucca, and we need you,” Liz says with a lot of passion for someone who knows she might very well partner with Diane. Diane looks at Liz with a bit of suspicion at this, wondering if Liz is showing her cards.  

Lucca manages to make the wifi malfunction (or she gets very lucky) and uses the disconnection to call Bianca for a counteroffer, even though they said they needed a yes or no on the spot.  

“They used George Floyd because they want you for less. They have never appreciated you as much as I do. All those scars, all that time being taken for granted and undervalued has made you a fighter. It’s made you someone I now want,” Bianca tells Lucca. She gives Lucca a counter offer of $1.3 million and the title of CFO. Lucca takes it. Is there really another choice? (If she were concerned about loyalty to the firm and the partnership was what she wanted, she probably would've just taken it.)  

(Also, the partners can’t really act like Lucca is making history by being the youngest partner ever when they passed her over for partner two years earlier and offered it to Maia! To MAIA! Who had like three years of work experience! And yes I was fine with Alicia and Cary getting partnership offers with four years but, one, that was a scam, and two, Alicia and Cary actually worked. Oh, I see I still hate Maia with a passion. Back to THIS season...)

Lucca apologetically informs Marissa she’s leaving and the offer was just too good to turn down. I believe it. I also believe Lucca wants that job more. What has loyalty to RBL gotten her? She's someone so talented and good at her job that she just gets job offers from acquaintances all the time (starting with Alicia!). RBL appreciates her, but just enough to appease her while still undervaluing her. I don’t know that I would’ve believed a plot where Lucca actively job hunts, but I definitely believe this.

“Marissa, we don’t have to work together to be friends,” Lucca tells Marissa. I’m going to miss this so much. Why is this the best material Lucca’s gotten in ages?! I think one of the things that makes Lucca such a great character is that you can see why everyone instantly wants her on their team. She’s a fantastic friend (without giving too much of herself), she’s not a pushover, and she is incredibly sharp and able to get to the heart of any situation. I love her and I’m sad we won’t get to see more of her.  

(On that bit about friendship—I can’t write about Lucca’s departure without writing about the moment I realized just how great of a character Lucca was. It was in 7x13, when Alicia has her breakdown that’s seven seasons in the making... and Lucca supports her. But the writing, and Cush’s performance, never make it feel like Lucca exists to be a part of Alicia’s story. Lucca seems like her own fully formed person who happens to be supporting Alicia at this moment. I don’t think I can overstate how tough of a task it is to get me to care about the other person in a pivotal Alicia scene, especially when that other person was added to the cast in the final season and many suspected she’d just be a replacement for a different beloved character! Anyway, Lucca’s been great for years, and I’ll miss her.)  

Just when I thought I couldn’t hate the hallucinations more, we get a hint that they are going to continue: Jay sees one right after he learns that Marissa’s used her quarantine to start law school and he’s done nothing.  

Jay says he carries a gun now and it’s “performative.” I have no idea what that means and Marissa and Lucca don’t seem to, either.  

Another thing I like about Lucca’s final scene is that it isn’t rushed. We have time for all that, and also for Lucca to tell Marissa about the time she stole her breakfast sandwich, and for Marissa to react to it, and for Marissa to find Lucca’s Birkin bag, and for Lucca to tell Marissa to keep it, and for Marissa to react to that, and for Lucca to sappily say “think of me when you use it,” and for Marissa to nonsensically reply, “you think of me when I use it,” and there’s still a little bit more of the scene after that!  

Marissa’s silly line makes Lucca tear up. “God, I’m gonna miss you guys,” she says. “I’m gonna miss this. You make me smile. I didn’t smile much before you guys.” Awwwwwww. This is also so true to character! Her friendship with Alicia aside, Lucca’s definitely said before she’s not one to have friends (which is hilarious because she is, as I've said like 100 times, a fantastic friend and also just like, the coolest person??? Who wouldn’t want to be HER friend?!).  

She says she has to go because she’s getting too emotional and says goodbye. She’s also super sappy and when Marissa says, “you were the best,” she responds that they were the best TOGETHER! Awwwwwww.  

What a nice, fitting goodbye for Lucca. There’s no bad blood or fireworks—she just makes a change like a lot of people do. I’d like to think she’ll still be friends with Marissa and Jay after this. I don’t want too many Lucca references in future episodes, but I would really like it if we see Marissa and Jay update each other on the latest from Lucca, or if a scene begins with Marissa closing out an Instagram post from Lucca of her kid, or something. I wouldn’t want clues about what Lucca’s up to, but I’d love to see that she’s still a part of Marissa and Jay’s lives.

Now it is January 6th. Liz, Adrian, and Diane sit on the floor of the mostly empty office, watching TV coverage and drinking. It’s so relaxed it’s almost surreal, and it, like many other moments in this episode, feels like a slice of life. Everyone’s dressed casually and no one is worried about appearances or looking like the boss.  

“God, have you ever seen anything like it. It’s so fucked,” Diane says. Adrian’s more optimistic—the courts rejected most of the challenges to election results! “System worked,” he says. “Yay.” Liz says in response. She’s not as optimistic as he is.  

“Liz. Liz. Sometimes when things work out, there is no parade. There’s no congratulations, but I’ll tell you this: We live to fight another day,” he explains to her even though she makes a good point that a system just barely hanging on doesn’t bode well for the future. (She doesn’t say all this, but that’s a very loaded, “Yay.”)  

“Yeah? Then why are you leaving the law?” Liz asks. Diane seconds to the question.

Adrian announces he’s still retiring—and he’s moving to Atlanta. He wants to go to the south to help “create and consolidate political power.” He’s excited to start over and inspired by Georgia going blue. This is a very nice exit for Adrian. I fully believe that he’s interested in political organizing, that he’d be good at it, and that he’s ready for a change. I don’t think he’s always the most progressive person (of the three in this scene, Liz is absolutely the most progressive one, though Diane probably thinks she is!), but I absolutely think he thinks of himself as an activist and I believe that if he’s going to step away from the law, he’d do so to make a move like this.  

Adrian—and Lucca, but especially Adrian—probably both got better exits thanks to the events of 2020. If Adrian had just left to be groomed by the DNC, that would’ve been a predictable and boring ending for him. His candidacy would, obviously, go nowhere, and the whole thing felt weird from the minute it was introduced. But this? Adrian being energized—like so many others were—by the ways the world changed in 2020 and using his already announced departure from the firm and recent breakup as a chance to start over and make change? This is great!  

Adrian asks Liz and Diane what’s next for them. Liz says that she thinks the Biden admin will be better for black businesses. Adrian asks if they’re replacing him, and Diane says, “I think the big question is, are you replacing me?” She’s smart. I like how this scene goes from friendly to tense very fast, with everyone kind of testing the waters. Adrian tries to force the conversation, Liz opens with something vague yet pointed, and Diane speaks what’s previously been unspoken.

Liz says it’s not her intention to push Diane out. “I can’t change the color of my skin,” Diane replies. “I know,” Liz laughs. Audra’s delivery is fantastic on that line.  

“Hey, I’m gonna fight for my partnership,” Diane says. “I know,” Liz says. The tone of this scene is so different from previous partnership drama on these shows and I’m excited about it. This is just a bunch of adults talking about business decisions with each other and treating each other as equals?? It's not backstabbing?? Or drama?? No one is hiding things?? It’s refreshing and I hope this plot stays like this. We’ve done so much partnership drama that I think drama that stems from a real, pressing question that has no easy answers and isn’t anyone’s fault is going to be much more fruitful for the show.  

Adrian heads out—ah, I see now this scene is set in his empty office and this is why they are on the floor—and gets a nice last moment with Diane. And then they give him a last moment with Liz, which I knew they would but was still glad to see.  

Liz asks if he knows what he’s doing—he says he’s not sure.

Adrian asks if Liz knows where she stands regarding Diane. “It’s going to be interesting,” Liz says. I don’t think she’s decided what she’s going to do yet.

It wouldn’t be an Adrian and Liz scene if Adrian didn’t have some unsolicited advice. “Diane’s a terrific lawyer, but this firm belongs to you.  Your dad built it. He did, Liz. Despite all his faults. You got to run this place the way you want. This is a black firm. And after today, the world needs black firms. You got me?” He tells Liz. He makes it seem like Liz gets the choice and then tells her what to do. She says, “I got it,” signaling she understood him but not that she necessarily agrees.  

I cannot wait to see what Liz does next!!!!!!! About this but just in general!!!!! Without Adrian there giving her constant advice I feel like she can grow so much and the show will have to give her more to do!!! I think Adrian, for all his many wonderful qualities and all he brought to the show, can suck all the air out of a room with his charisma, and Liz usually ends up suffering as a result. She’s such a capable lawyer in her own right, but Adrian has a way of making it always seem like he’s right—even in arguments she wins. I’m excited to see Liz lead (or stumble at leadership; she is fairly new to management) without Adrian’s direct influence.  

Liz walks Adrian out and it’s cute. They run into Marissa and Jay. “Everybody fun is leaving,” Marissa notes. Liz is minorly offended, but playfully. Heh.

Adrian asks Jay how he’s doing; Jay says he’s a long-hauler but he’s doing okay. I like that they included that moment in Adrian’s goodbye sequence. It’s a very little thing, but it underlines that Adrian cares about Jay.  

Then Liz interrupts to note that Trump pardoned a lot of convicted and corrupt Republican officials....... including Julius.  

Everyone celebrates, but especially Diane and Marissa. Diane lets out her wonderful laugh and then we, finally, get to the credits. Because now that the previouslies are over, it’s time for the real show.

The credits are absolutely delightful, btw. I was a little worried some of the kittens would blow up, though! Once I relaxed and realized what they were up to—literal puppies and kittens because Biden won—I couldn’t get enough of these credits. They work so well because they accurately capture the way I (and all of these characters, except maybe Julius and Kurt) feel about the election results, but it’s so exaggerated that you know the kittens and puppies aren’t a realistic representation of our new reality. They’re just too good to be true, but you may as well enjoy them for a minute. I’m sure we’ll be back to exploding vases next week.

What a great episode! My timeline nitpicks and whatever they’re trying to do with Jay aside, I was blown away by how well the writers managed to move on from season 4, tie up loose ends, and write out two main characters. And they did it all while making me revisit the events of 2020, a year I don’t think many of us want to spend much time thinking about! This episode was enjoyable, fun, emotional, and clever. I don’t know what to expect from the rest of the season, but I’m definitely excited about the show in a way I haven’t really been in quite some time.  

This season’s naming convention seems to be titles that end with ... and only have the first word capitalized. I want to see more. 

Season FIVE? There have already been as many TGF seasons as there were TGW seasons prior to Hitting the Fan?! Time flies. 

Please writers: No topical episodes this year-- no pee tape, no Melania divorce, no Epstein. None of that business. 

Sorry if I repeated myself here. I never proofread these things, and I wrote half of this on Saturday and half of it today (Wednesday) and the days in between were an absolute blur so I cannot remember if I said the same things about this episode twice. 

[theroguequeenaniki]

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol) 

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did. 

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it. 

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital. 

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones:  wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you  it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse. 

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? 

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure. 

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen. 

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

[trainsinanime]

How to make a fake post

I just watched the excellent video by Sarah Z about fake made-up posts, i.e. screenshots of Tumblr posts that are clearly stupid made-up stories, except the screenshot itself is also fake. And that inspired me to do something I’ve wanted to do for a while: Make an illustrated tutorial on how to make a fake a screenshot of a tweet, Tumblr post or similar that are indistinguishable from real ones.

This works on desktop on any modern web browser, though the specific UI will look a bit different depending on which one you use.

Step 0 - if your web browser is Safari on Desktop

This step is not necessary if you’re using Firefox, Chrome, or something based on either (typically the latter) like Edge or Brave.

Open the preferences.

[Image description: Screenshot of Safari app menu open on macOS with the “Preferences…” item highlighted]

Go to “Advanced” (the last tab) and at the very bottom, make sure that “Show Develop menu in menu bar” is selected.

[Image description: Screenshot of Safari preferences window on the “Advanced” tab; the last item, a checkbox saying “Show Develop menu in menu bar”, is selected.]

Step 1 - Open an example post

I’m going to fake a tweet by myself, which you can find here: https://twitter.com/zcochrane/status/1406004939810295808

The specific tweet is irrelevant; this one is about programming and complains about how SwiftUI, a technology for developing Mac apps, is full of issues. It’s easiest to choose one that doesn’t have any hashtags.

Step 2 - Drill down

Now, right-click on the text of the tweet, and select “inspect element” or whatever menu item in your browser sounds the most like that.

[Image description: Screenshot of a random tweet by twitter user zcochrane (aka me); a word is highlighted, and a context menu is open, with the item “Inspect Element” highlighted]

This isn’t to give anyone ideas; you can assume that all the worst people on the internet already know this. That is really the key. I want to destroy your trust in screenshots of posts, especially screenshots of very weird and outlandish posts. (Note also that this isn’t the only way to do this, and it only works on desktop, but it illustrates how easy it is).

On the bottom or the side of the window, a new, complicated view will open that shows you the inner workings of the web page. You can do a lot of fun stuff here, but we don’t need a lot for our purposes.

[Image: Screenshot of a Safari window showing the same tweet, now with a blue box is lying over the text, and the bottom half of the window has a complex view of details about the text in that box and its place in the site’s internal structure.]

The important thing is the tree view on the left. If you can’t see the text of the tweet in there, click the disclosure triangle next to whatever thing is highlighted there. This should show the text directly.

[Image: Screenshot of a tree view showing various HTML elements. They are all expanded. The inner-most item is just the text of the tweet from above.]

Step 3 - Change it

Now you can just double-click on that text and enter something new.

[Image: Screenshot of the same tree view, now wider (don’t know why the window just jumped around on me). In place of the static text from last time is now a text entry box containing the words “It is impossible to fake screenshots of tweets.”]

Once you press enter or the focus moves somewhere else, the text on the website will change.

Step 4 - Take a screenshot

[Image: Screenshot of a tweet, the same one we’ve had the entire time with the same user and date, but it now says “It is impossible to fake screenshots of tweets.”]

And that’s it! If you want to do something with multiple paragraphs like your average Tumblr post, then you probably need to know a little HTML, but it’s not that hard.

For better results, you can also use the same technique to fake the time and date when the post was made, so it looks like the post was deleted - though honestly, that’s probably not worth the time and effort. And you can, of course, also change the number of likes and retweets, or for Tumblr posts, the number of notes, and other information like the user names and so on to fit whatever narrative you want to tell.

What makes this particular technique so useful is that you cannot compare pixels or whatever to prove a tweet is fake. The pixels that the screenshot grabs get generated in exactly the same way as for the real tweet. Proving that this tweet is fake is somewhere between difficult and completely impossible.

The point

This may seem like dangerous secret knowledge to some, maybe. But it’s really not that difficult, and you can assume that everyone who has more than a passing knowledge of web development (and that is a lot of people) can figure this out if they want to. (And if you’re into web development but didn’t know this yet, try it out, it’s super useful!)

In particular, you can safely assume that all the worst people in the world already know this trick and others like it. What this means is that every single screenshot ever is suspicious. Did that post really exist? There is genuinely no way of knowing, unless you find the actual post in question.

That means if you see a particularly stupid post, or a particularly offensive one, by someone you respect, or by someone you hate, or by just anyone in general, then you must always assume that it’s very possibly fake. It takes maybe ten seconds more to create a fake screenshot than to create a real one.

Not all screenshots are fake, and sometimes screenshots are the only source for something because the original was deleted, but all screenshots might be fake, and so you should tread very carefully when one is involved.

There is also an inverse to that: If you want to share a post or a tweet somewhere that you know is real, you should always include a link to the original (and also an image description for people using screen readers). If it’s a good post, it allows people to leave the hearts and stars where they belong; if not (or if that’s debatable), it provides the context and proves that the post is, in fact, real.

[shuahoonie]

you. [tom holland] - three.

PAIRING: tom holland x female!celebrity!reader

SUMMARY: ah, to be young and in love. it sounds great if only you and tom were actually dating out of pure love and not for the sheer reputation of your careers. it also should be great if you two actually got along, but life isn’t that easy.

WARNINGS: mostly swearing! mentions of alcohol! a bit of fluff, a bit of angst. it’s haters to lovers / fake dating au so take that information as you wish!

WORD COUNT: 1632

SONG INSPO: our lawyer made us change the name of this song so we wouldn’t get sued - fall out boy  

A/N: aaah, hello babes! i have been writing a lot since the new year ngl, it is so refreshing to just write and not stress about stuff. although that’ll change as i head back to university tomorrow [technically today lmao] and face a shit ton of papers and readings!!! anyways, happy reading and enjoy part three!

gif credits @peteparkrrs​

vanessa’s masterlist | preview | one | two | four | five | six | seven | eight | eight.5 [interview excerpt] 

“Why, I found a solution to your problems, my dears.” Zoë smiled, almost too sickly.

You were starting to get anxious. Is it your manager or is it because of the coffee? Probably both.

You waited for her to continue and what she said afterwards almost made you spat your drink.

“You and Tom will fake-date for damage control,” Zoë said as if it was the most obvious solution.

“I’m sorry, what?” You asked, practically choking on your drink. Has she gone mad?!

“You,” Your manager pointed at you “and Tom” She then gestured to the devil sitting beside you “will be acting as a fake couple.” 

“God, please tell me this is just a horrible dream.” You practically begged as you closed your eyes, trying to convince yourself that you’re just asleep and this, whatever this is, will be over as soon as you open your eyes. 

“How did you two end up to this conclusion, may I ask?” Tom asked, equally appalled at the resolution that was dropped in front of you two. 

“It’s the only thing that made sense after the theatrics that you two pulled,” Matthew spoke up. “Setting the illusion that you two are secretly dating and got into a small fight last night, which ended up with Y/N pouring her drink on Tom.” 

“That was a small fight? What if we had a big one?” Tom scoffed “Will she kill me then?” 

You smirked at him. “Why, that’s the first thing that I liked from all of the nonsense you just said.” 

Tom rolled his eyes at you. “I still don’t see how dating for publicity solves what happened last night,” Tom spoke up, in which you had to agree. None of it made sense after all. 

“Then how exactly are you two going to explain the scene from last night?” Zoë asked with her arms crossed. 

“I’ll be glad to confirm to the world that Tom Holland is an asshole since he called me a leech,” You said almost nonchalantly. People were starting to paint Tom as the bad guy in the narrative, and all four you were aware of it. 

“No one will be telling anything,” Tom jeered. “No one will be telling anything because it’s none of their business. They shouldn’t care about these things in the first place.” 

“Hate to break it to ‘ya, bud, but see this?” You showed him your phone, the screen showing Twitter’s trending tab and there it showed over a hundred thousand tweets about you two. “People made it already their business.” 

Tom massaged his temples. “What, are you on board with this idea now?” 

“Fuck no,” You hissed. “As much as I hate to say this but Holland’s right, we don’t have to anything about this.” 

“You two don’t have a choice,” Matthew commented. “If you two chose to disregard this, the people wouldn’t let this go. It will always be asked in interviews, they would only speculate more.” 

“God, why did you even go to that specific club.” You grumbled at Tom. “Of all clubs in Los Angeles.” 

“Why are you putting this on me? None of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for you!” Tom argued. 

“I wouldn’t have done what I did if it wasn’t for your stupid mouth!” You were fuming. 

“Look, it’s a win-win for both of you. Tom will clear up his image by giving an impression of how your little couple’s argument escalated. As for Y/N, she’ll be receiving a lot of publicity for this. It’s good for a rising-star to have this much publicity.” Zoë proclaimed. 

“Jesus, you really are a leech,” Tom mumbled under his breath. However, you still caught it. 

“Call me that one more time and I swear you’ll be going home with not only ruined clothes but also with a bruise on your precious face.” You threatened, narrowing your eyes at him. 

“So it’s settled then?” Matthew asked, “You two are going to do it?” 

Tom just shrugged, probably defeated knowing he won’t stand a chance in this argument. He does have this reputation to uphold and he’s not going to let someone ruin it. 

You, however, felt too brave. You shook your head no and said, “You can’t make me.” 

Zoë raised her eyebrow at you, taking it as a challenge. “Try me.” 

“Remember to hold hands, kids!” Zoë said giddily as she waved goodbye. 

“I am going to kill her,” You gritted in between your teeth as you left the building with the devil quickly fixing his hair. 

“I might actually take you up on that and add my manager into the mix,” Tom grumbled and adjusted his shirt. Tom decided to leave his jacket at the office and figured that a white shirt paired with denim pants was enough. He claims that he looks toned down and his outfit is so casual that people might not notice him. 

You begged to differ. Even if he is just wearing a plain shirt and the most basic denim pants, Tom will still attract people’s attention. The fabric of his shirt clung to his body like second skin. It shows how fit he is and you weren’t one to deny that. 

No matter how little effort Tom puts in regards to dressing himself, he still looked good. That annoyed you. 

“Okay, so the first thing to get this ship sailing-” Zoë stopped and turned to Matthew, “Hah, get it, Matt? I learned it from the internet. Apparently, a ‘ship’ is slang for relationship.” She raved. 

“Oh, that’s sick.” Matthew agreed. 

You let out a huge groan. “God, it’s like watching my parents learn internet lingo all over again.” Not to mention having flashbacks of your early internet days, stumbling over Tumblr with ‘Destiel’ mentioned everywhere. What a time.

Tom, on the other hand, had his face buried in his hand. He seemed like he was equally embarrassed and frustrated with this entire situation. 

“You two are going to have lunch together at this newly opened restaurant. It’s not far from here, don’t worry.” Zoë stated. She mentioned the name of the place, also adding the fact that you and Tom had to walk there. 

“You want us to walk?! This whole area is crawling with paparazzi.” Tom noted. 

“You two will be fine, they can’t hurt you.” Zoë dismissed you two. 

“The restaurant is a couple of blocks away,” You pointed out after searching the place on Google maps. 

“See it as a quick exercise,” Matthew implored. “You two are young, you’ll manage.” 

So here are you both now. You were walking with a complete asshole, who’s apparently now your boyfriend, on the way to this restaurant and waiting to be devoured by paparazzi. 

It was a quiet walk if you two were being honest. You expected more irritating remarks from Tom and you were ready to give out your snarkiest replies, however, you two were now walking in silence. 

It was actually a nice day in Los Angeles. It wasn’t too hot and humid, unlike most days. It wasn’t also that busy in the streets, which is odd, you thought. The day was perfect-too perfect.

Well, it was until you saw a man with a camera hiding behind one of the parked cars along the street. 

Tom seemed to take notice of the figure you just saw and put on a neutral face. “It’s showtime,” Tom said under his breath, loud enough for you two to hear. 

You two were walking alongside each other with close proximity, yes, but you weren’t going to hold hands. As much as to Zoë’s dismay, you thought and restraining yourself from rolling your eyes. 

You could hear the clicks of the camera and with every step, it seemed like the number of clicks multiplied. It only made you feel uneasy, you felt your chest tightening. 

You suddenly wished that you never agreed to this, no matter how much they pressured you. You didn’t mind your state of fame before. A handful of people recognize you from the Sci-Fi Thriller, Alchemist. You were also known for your Twitter and how you absolutely gave no fucks with whatever you tweet. Zoë had a problem with that before, but she just let it go since your account says a lot about your personality. 

However, none of that bothered you. You liked that people recognized you but still managed to get on with your life without getting disrupted. 

Tom glanced at you, noticing how you seemed like you were out of it. He could sense that you were taking deeper breaths than you did before. He frowned, Is she not used to this? Tom wondered. He carefully thought of what to do and just mumbled “Oh, fuck it,” and reached for your hand. 

It caught you off-guard. Oh boy, did you react so rashly. 

“What the hell are you doing, Holland?” You asked as you yanked your hand back. 

“I’m trying to help you,” He grumbled as he took your hand again, holding it firmly this time. “You looked like you were about to have a panic attack. I figured you’d rather have your attention somewhere else.”

“What if people see and-” 

“And what?” Tom cut you off, “They assume that we’re dating? Aren’t we supposed to be, princess?”

You weren’t expecting Tom to wrap his hand around yours nor did you expect him to help you ease your nerves down, so you ended up staring at him. You were trying to figure out what kind of stunt is he trying to pull now. 

He turned his attention to you, his brows knitted slightly. “Why are you staring, princess?” He chuckled softly, amused at the confusion painted on your face. 

What are you trying to do, Holland? You thought. 

TAG LIST:  @thomasthetankson @autty0314 @marvelous-tswiftfan @averyfosterthoughts @theolwebshooter @jackiehollanderr @sltwins​ @herondalescecilys​ @notjustpenandpaper​ @ihopethatwemeetinanotherlife​  @sectusempried​ @gothicwidowsworld​ @heartofholland​ 

[jessicafurseth]

Reading List, Like Water Feeling Its Way Over An Edge double edition.

Fucking in Cornwall, by Ella Frears

The rain is thick and there’s half a rainbow over the damp beach; just put your hand up my top. I’ve walked around that local museum a hundred times and I’ve decided that the tiny, stuffed dog labelled: the smallest dog in the world, is a fake. Kiss me in a pasty shop with all the ovens on. I’ve held a warm, new egg on a farm and thought about fucking. I’ve held a tiny green crab in the palm of my hand. I’ve pulled my sleeve over my fingers and picked a nettle and held it to a boy’s throat like a sword. Unlace my shoes in that alley and lift me gently onto the bins. The bright morning sun is coming and coming and the holiday children have their yellow buckets ready. Do you remember what it felt like to dig a hole all day with a tiny spade just to watch it fill with sea? I want it like that – like water feeling its way over an edge. Like two bright-red anemones in a rock-pool, tentacles waving ecstatically. Like the gorse has caught fire across the moors and you are the ghost of a fisherman, who always hated land.

[Image]

*

*** Some stories about how the lockdown is going [TL;DR not well]

This is the "Third Quarter" of the pandemic and what we are experiencing is normal - just ask antarctic researchers, space travel scientists and submarine officers [Tara Law, Time]

"You can’t govern the people you live with in a series of edicts. ...  But I have reached the point of 2021 when that’s all I want to do. There’s a suite of feelings and thoughts occurring in the house that I want a complete veto over because everyone is irritating the hell out of me." [Zoe Williams, The Guardian]

"It’s not a pleasure, but it’s the best we’ve got, all of us walking in place until we have somewhere to walk to." I'm sick of walking around [Monica Heisey, The Guardian}

"I’ll read a page of my book before migrating over to Instagram, losing myself in its emptiness for half an hour before I even realize what I’m doing. During work, I’ll write two sentences of a draft, then click new tab and type in Twitter.com. Others spend hours with their eyes glazed over as they flick through TikTok, disappear down YouTube rabbit holes, or sit down at their computers, only to blink and realize they’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla for five hours straight." What the pandemic is doing to our attention spans [Angela Lashbrook, Debugger at Medium] 

The case for bringing back the nervous breakdown, or, why it should be easier to admit that it's just a bit too much [Jerry Useem, The Atlantic]

"It’s not just the multitasking that makes us feel muddled. It’s also the stress. Chronically high levels of the hormone cortisol, which is associated with stress, can lead to memory impairments in healthy adults." Why the pandemic has made it feel like your brain is broken [Jessica Grose, The New York Times]

"Ten months into the pandemic, I know the rhythms of the courier networks better than I know my menstrual cycle. Royal Mail in the morning; DPD and Hermes in the afternoon. Amazon comes any time, including late at night. DPD couriers insist on taking a photo of you with the package, mortifyingly. I wonder where these photos go: me in a food-stained tracksuit, dirty-haired, holding an armful of packages I can’t remember ordering with an abashed smile. I pray they never see the light of day." [Sirin Kale, The Guardian] 

It's ok to complain about how much we have lost to this pandemic. [Sarah Manavis, The New Statesman]

*** Some stories that are still about the pandemic, but a bit more uplifting

"I think that we map memories onto places—even more, that our memories live inside places. I remember last year visiting the library in Saratoga that I used to go to in high school, which I hadn’t been to since then. It turned out that I only remembered half of it, and when I walked into the (previously) un-remembered half, all of these other memories flooded back with it. Or more generally, when I look across the bay at San Francisco, I feel like I’m looking at my 20s. That’s one of the reasons I’ve always scoffed at the idea of uploading one’s brain, because my memories are all scattered across the landscape, and I have to travel across it to re-encounter them." Jenny Odell [Ross Simonini, The Believer]

"During lockdown, I've found solace in online recipe comments" - this embodies the only type of corona coverage I'm interested in at this point [Sophie Haigeny, The Guardian] 

Maps of our personal covid worlds [Laura Bliss and Jessica Martin, Bloomberg CityLab] 

I miss restaurants so damn much and most of all, I miss taking them for granted. [Rachel Sugar, Grub Street]

Finding peace in an unexpected corner of the internet: Nun Twitter [Sirin Kale, The Guardian] 

They no longer make VHS tapes, and the nostalgia market is booming [Hannah Selinger, The New York Times]

"Why did I ever believe that a teenage girl could hold all the power?" Tavi Gevinson on Britney Spears, and on all of us [The Cut]

"Street View-hopping resonates with the oft-stated desire to see the world as it really is, or to get “off the beaten path,” which turns out to be mostly miles of road and trees and sky. At a time when we have been staring out windows at the same stretch of street, and taking the same drives to the same grocery stores, it can be cathartic to get dropped on another patch of road—somewhere else, but not so different after all." On browsing Google Street View during the pandemic [Sophie Haigeny, The New Yorker]

Even before the pandemic, American culture was embracing numbness as an antidote for the overload of digital capitalism. [Kyle Chayka, The New York Times]

[tazzytypes]

Apocalypse: Sanctuary - Chapter 10

Hey y'all. Got this chapter written out pretty quickly because I'm super excited for what comes next. There's one more chapter until we get into arc 2 of the fic. At that point, I'll probably take a break from updates until I finish planing out some stuff (probably about two weeks or so). Thank you as always for your comments and Kudos! Also: let me know if you can’t find my fic in the tags. For some reason I have to delete and repost 3 times before it shows up.

Read also on AO3 or see the Masterpost for more chapters!

The room was filled with the cracking of the fire. After her interaction with Coco, she and Gallant had upped the drama tenfold. Em felt like she was back in high-school -- the wanna’-be Abercrombie and Fitch models and America’s Got Talent stars whispering amongst themselves and snickering. You always knew they were talking about you because they wanted you to know they were talking about you, eying you up and down just to make a point.

So Em wandered to Langdon’s office. She had grown up, but it didn’t make the pair’s antics any less annoying. They had taken up the library as a show of power so the brunette had gone to the only place they couldn’t go.

Curled up on the sofa, Em was writing in a journal. Her knees pulled up to her chest and the radio playing lightly in the background, she could almost pretend she was back home on a rainy day.

Langdon was working across from her at his desk, typing away at a laptop he had smuggled inside. Ever so often, she’d look up at him. His eyes were always focused on the task at hand. Dark brows would furrow as he turned away from the screen to check something he had written down in a notebook.

It amused Em. So, he did have work on a higher level, beyond the interviews and selections.

“What’s your opinion in regards to your fellow residents?” Langdon asked out of the blue. It took a moment for his words to process, but after a moment she finally responded, eyes still focused on her notebook.

“With all the lurking you do I suspect you know my opinions.”

“You hate them,” He noted, still typing away at his laptop, “Yet you help them. Why?”

“I reserve my hate for people that matter,” She corrected, “They annoy me.”

“Yet you help them.”

Em sighed and looked up at him, offering a half-hearted shrug, “I’ve always had a problem saying ‘no,’ and Coco isn’t used to hearing it.”

It wasn’t entirely true. She had said those words to him ample times… Venable as well. It meant she deemed Venable as deserving of her anger, but what about Langdon? What did he mean to her to warrant being able to say that one simple word?

He didn’t push it.

“Gallant isn’t too bad,” she noted, “he just wants to be something to someone.”

“What about the Stevens?”

“Is this another interview?”

“Conversation,” He corrected, briefly looking up from his work, “It isn’t as if we can talk about the weather… and I value your opinion.”

She smiled and placed her notebook to the side.

“Andre…” she mused, looking off to the side as she thought, “He’s a wounded animal. Stu and I clicked and we only knew one another for a week at best, but anyone with eyes could see they cared deeply for the other. Besides Timothy and Emily, they were the people I considered myself close to.”

“And Dinah?”

Em’s answer was quick.

“Would do anything for her son, but after the incident we don’t talk much anymore. Andre needs her and considers everyone else an enemy in some shape or form.”

“The incident?”

Her voice was surprisingly matter-of-fact. There was no sign of distress or shame. She was reading from a history book that resided in her own mind.

“Venable fed us a person,” the brunette explained, “of that, there is no doubt. Timothy still has the finger to prove it. Just a bone, but I know a human finger when I see one.”

“Who was it? They said Stu was contaminated.”

Em read him like a book.

“Why do you ask when you already know the answer?”

Langdon ignored her question, only offering a shrug as he continued to work. “How did that make you feel?”

“Different.”

“Different?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

He dropped the subject, grabbing a file from his desk and slowly walking over to her as he read it. So, this was just a conversation. The blond would be much more attentive if it were an interview, more calculating.

Stopping at her shoulder, he sat on the arm of the sofa. Em stiffened as his hand absentmindedly grabbed her own as he continued to read. The file was rather thick — too thick to be a file on one of the residents. Unless he had one that contained the contents of Coco’s twitter page. From what she could see there were no pictures, ruling out that theory entirely.

With a frown he set the file on the back of the chair, pulling her hand into his lap and playing with her fingers as he stared into the fire. They trailed over her palms as if the lines across it were a map to whatever he was searching for. Her neck felt hot, red splotches rising up it and onto her cheeks.

“…and I already know your opinions about the other four,” he mused, more a mutter than a statement, “Evie?”

He sensed the look she gave him without turning his head. “Right.”

“Then again I’m biased,” she noted, pulling her hand away before her palms could start sweating. Langdon seemed to realize what he had been doing and quickly straightened. Standing off to the side, he straightened his jacket and returned to his desk.

The blond’s questions brought up introspection on her own end, insecurities and worries rising to the surface. There was an argument to be made about projection. When she looked at Emily and Timothy, she saw people who were like her, like all the friends she left behind. If the pair survived then somehow Em’s friends survived — the ones who worked hard and deserved so much better.

Langdon was watching her. Blue eyes narrowed in on the absent void in her eyes he had seen in the hallway before.

“You look tired,” he noted, pulling her from her thoughts, “trouble sleeping?”

“No,” Em admitted, returning from her trance and sitting up on the couch before she fell asleep. The room was so warm. “I sleep fine… just wake up heavy.”

“Heavy?”

“Like my limbs are made of led,” she explains before waving a dismissive hand, “I just tampered off the last of my medication so it’s probably just withdrawal. Would certainly explain the weird dreams I’ve been having.”

This caught his attention, “What sort of dreams?”

“You really sound like your interviewing me,” she noted.

He smirked, sitting on his desk, “ye of little faith.”

“Now it sounds like an interrogation. We seem to talk about the same things over and over.”

“There’s little to talk about,” he reminded with a chuckle, “remember?”

She merely shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“Well?” he prompted, waiting for her to answer his question.

“My mind is what I hold most dear.”

“Some think the mind dies with the body.”

“Is that a threat?”

“I’ve learned threats don’t work on you.”

Em rolled her eyes, much to his amusement, “you can be one of the most annoying people… and I’ve spent the last year with Coco and Gallant.”

“You’re hedging.” Langdon sang, laughing as she held up her hands in defeat. Biting her lip, she tried to stay annoyed. The second she saw his grin, her own began pulling at her lips. He just stared at her. He could have stared at her for hours.

The smile eventually faded as she sighed, relenting to his demands. “I dreamed I was burned alive, but I wasn’t myself… I was someone else. Couldn’t tell you who.”

Langdon stiffened, but only for a moment.

“Do you often have dreams like that?”

“My dreams have always been weird,” She admitted, “side effect of an overactive imagination.”

He nodded and took a seat back in his chair, flipping his laptop back on and waiting for the screen to load. “I imagine confinement in the after-effects of the nuclear apocalypse does little to help.”

Em was quick to change the conversation. Her dreams were something she both took pride in and felt embarrassment from. They inspired her stories, but also made for awkward conversation when anyone asked for the source of said inspiration.

“What are you working on?” The brunette asked.

“Classified,” he replied on instinct, tone telling her something had popped up which required his focus. However, he had made a promise.

“Langdon.”

He looked up and sighed, eyes flickering to her before returning their attention on the task at hand. “My job doesn’t end once the selections are completed. I have to arrange transportation back to the Sanctuary as well as keep tabs on operations on the inside which have taken place in my absence.”

“Sounds like you’re an important person?”

The man smirked at that, “you think they’d let just anyone decide the fate of residents?”

“You know what I think.”

“That I do.”

They lapsed into silence once more. One minute passed… two… twenty. She went back to writing in her notebook and Langdon went back to typing away at his computer.

He would occasionally reference back to files, one hand keeping his place while his other typed. His movements were a soothing white noise that helped her think upon her notes.

Langdon had been right. Em would never fully trust him until she got into the Sanctuary. When that time came, she’d then have to prove her own honesty.

Her morality refused to let her friends die, however. No matter what oath she made. Loopholes… she had to find loopholes. Em couldn’t tell them what she learned or about her deal. Atop all that, she had to give Langdon a wide berth to work.

She didn’t necessarily have to tell them anything. Not if she manipulated them, pushed them in the right direction. It wouldn’t compromise Langdon’s mission. It wasn’t as if she was getting them into the Sanctuary by giving them all the answers. She was just pushing them to find the truth. Timothy and Emily were already on the right path, after all.

Em hoped they found something of weight in the man’s room. Then she could assess the situation properly.

Langdon flipped through his files, trying to find a specific one. Not outwardly marking them was a pain in the ass, but it was a needed secrecy. Something caught his eye and he stopped, flipping back a few pages and looking up at his companion.

“Happy belated birthday,” He said. Em’s nose scrunched in confusion as she looked up from her book. For a moment she seemed to be doing the math in her head. “You were born an exact week before Halloween.”

“When’s Halloween?”

“In two days.”

She hadn’t even noticed. It wasn’t as if there was anything to look forward to. If she was being honest, she had forgotten what day it was. The hours seemed to blend together the longer she stayed in the outpost.

“Halloween was the theme of many birthday parties,” she said with a smile, trying not to look too disappointed, “explains a lot, if I’m being honest.”

“Such as?”

“Fascination with the macabre and occultism,” she admitted, “all those… weird things.”

“I don’t find it weird at all,” he reassured, “how old are you now?”

“23.” She said, the pair lapsing into silence before she spoke again, “when is your birthday?”

“March fifth,” he answered.

She bit her lip and looked up at the ceiling as she thought before letting out a frustrated sigh. “I was going to try and guess your zodiac. That’s how people flirt, isn’t it?”

“It was also the trademark of the Zodiac killer.”

“Well… shit.”

He laughed, shoulders shaking as he wandered back towards the couch.

“Pisces,” he said, plopping down opposite of her.

“That means you’re… that’s the fish one, right?”

His cheeks hurt, “you’re terrible at this.”

“I don’t exactly have the Sunday paper to reference.”

“Are you trying to tell my future now?”

She rolled her eyes and swatted him with her book. He watched red crawl up her neck and to her cheeks as he continued to chuckle at her antics.

“Okay, fine,” Em relented, “another topic then — what do you miss most about the old world?”

“You’re filled with questions today,” he noted, trying to hide his amusement but unable to rid the smile that took up his entire face.

“I’m tired of having one-sided conversations,” the brunette corrected. She tried to look stern, but failed miserably. “Believe it or not I don’t actually like talking about myself as much as I have.”

Langdon rose an incredulous brow, “oh?”

“Okay,” she admitted, “maybe a little, but who doesn’t?”

He laughed and she smiled. God, it had been so long since he had laughed.

“What do you miss?” the blond countered, chuckling as she sent him a scathing look.

“Did you not hear a word I just said?”

Rolling his eyes with as much dramatics as he could muster, he finally gave her an answer.

“There are many things I miss about the old world, but things must be sacrificed for the new one.”

“I’ll hit you. I really will.” She snipped, “that’s not an answer.”

Em knew with one look that he was doing this on purpose. His smile was shit-eating and smug. The game of cat and mouse continuing.

“Yes, it is.”

“For a politician, maybe.” She said, staring at him silently until he gave her the answer she wanted. He had to think long and hard. Langdon hadn’t lied — he missed a great deal of things. But what did he miss the most?

“The freedom,” he decided with a nod of his head before gesturing to the rest of the room, “dress these places up as much as you want, but they’re still cages.”

“And the sanctuary is different?”

“No,” he admits, “but it’s certainly larger.”

“By how much?”

All he gave her was a smirk, “you’ll find out soon enough.”

“Will I?”

He just stared at her and she stared in return. Both of them were trying to read something from the other as if there was some sign that they were telling the truth.

Em didn’t know what to feel. There was a fascination she felt when she looked at him. When she spoke, she felt a familiarity, their conversations were so easy and natural. She would see the twitch of his lips as he read or the way he crossed his legs and it felt like she sat there a hundred times before. Part of her wanted to see it a hundred times more.

Landon’s brows furrowed and sat up a bit.

“You’re crying,” he noted.

Confused, Em placed a hand on her cheek. When she pulled back it was wet. Her brows furrowed as well. Why was she crying?

“Odd,” she muttered, “allergies, possibly.”

“There’s nothing living here.”

“There’s dust,” Em noted, chuckling a bit, “lots of it.”

They weren’t stopping, her eyes watering over and over again. Langdon found himself reaching forward to wipe them away. Why did he have to get so close to her? She’d bump noses with him if she leaned towards him even half an inch.

“I have a few more interviews to conduct,” He noted, pulling away quickly and rising to his feet, “I hope to speak with you soon.”

“Yeah,” she noted, swiping at her eyes and grabbing her notebook, “same time tomorrow?”

He smiled and shook his head, “would I be able to stop you?”

“Probably not.”

Carefully closing the door behind her, Em both ways before making her way back to her room. God, the tears weren’t stopping. It was more annoying than anything. She could hardly see.

Turning the corner, a force slammed into her shoulder. The brunette stumbled back slightly before hands centered her once more.

“Hey,” the familiar voice of Emily chuckled. Then she noticed her tears, “What’s wrong?”

“Allergies,” Em said, scrunching her nose and fanning at her face, “god, they haven’t been this bad in years. I feel like I’m chopping a fucking onion.”

Emily could only laugh, stepping back and pulling out a handkerchief. Carefully she dabbed at her friend's eyes. “Here.”

“Ugh,” Em groaned, gently taking the piece of fabric from her friend’s hand, “maybe it’s a hair. Can you see anything?”

Em turned her head up and did her best to keep her eyes open. Emily shook her head.

“Nothing.”

With a sigh, Em went back to dabbing the tears away and started to move down the hall, “maybe it’s a stray hair. I’ll meet with you and Timothy later, okay? Need to get whatever it is out of my eye.”

Emily could only step back and let her friend pass.

“We’ll be in the library!” She called after Em. The only sign the woman heard her being a thumbs up thrown up above her head before she turned another corner.

There was something going on with that girl. Emily could feel it in her gut. She just didn’t know what.

***

“What did you find?” Emily asked her as soon as she entered the library, barely giving the brunette enough time to take a seat.

Em looked around the room, ensuring the three musketeers were the only people in the room. Timothy leaned on the other side of the table. Emily was pacing behind him as always.

“Nothing,” she said, her heart twisting as she blatantly lied.

Timothy scratched at his head, cheeks puffing out before she let out a long breath. He glanced at Emily who paused her pacing, lips pursed as she held back her disappointment.

“Nothing?” She echoed.

“He’s like a shadow,” Em said, turning sideways in her chair to face them properly, “always lurking somewhere. Was barely in there ten minutes before he showed up.”

Dragging his hands down his face, Timothy punched his brow and flexed his jaw. God, he was not made for this kind of work. He wanted to be an engineer, not a spy.

“We should stop while we’re ahead,” he said, glancing between the two women.

Emily gave him a look somewhere between shock and anger. “Don’t you want to know the truth?”

“He could kill us for this,” Timothy hissed, “leave us for the cannibals. Don’t you remember what he said?”

His girlfriend rolled her eyes, “I have ears, Timothy.”

The man shook his head, tapping his knuckles against the table and avoiding her gaze. Em watched their interaction. She wasn’t about to get in the middle of a lover’s spat.

“Is the truth really worth it?”

Emily’s response was immediate, “Always!”

Timothy sighed, “look, why don’t we wait till after the selections to find the truth. That way we don’t die.”

“And be trapped in another cage?"

“He has a point,” Em noted, the ebony-haired woman turning on her heels to face her. Emily felt betrayed, face contorting with anger.

“If you two want to die in your ignorance so be it!” she hissed before storming out, the door slamming shut behind her.

Timothy was staring at the floor, hand going up to scratch at his head and then rub at his neck. It didn’t take a genius to see he was conflicted.

“She’ll cool off,” Em reassured.

“I know.”

“She has a point.”

He turned to look at her in disbelief, “I thought you—”

“You both have points. Good points.”

“But which one is best — being screwed over now or later?”

Em shrugged, “depends.”

“On what?”

She sighed, taking a moment to articulate her thoughts, “I can’t answer that for you… you have to fill in the blanks yourself.”

Timothy could only nod. Such seemed to be the consensus. If only the waters weren’t so murky.

“What did y’all find?” Em finally asked.

“Venable has been making her own rules,” Timothy noted, “… abstinence and all that.”

“And that’s what Langdon’s focused on?”

“He has a laptop,” Timothy explained, “There were lots of emails between himself and the Cooperative. Emily thinks he has a satellite hook-up or something.”

“What kind of emails?”

Timothy shrugged, “general updates. Last outpost had extremely depleted resources, surrogate tests were failing, status updates…”

“… and?” Em pressed, knowing there was more.

“He plans to execute Gallant and Venable,” Timothy said. His eyes flickered as if he were reading the email to her. “there are two promising candidates so far that he’s considering taking to the Sanctuary.”

Em let out a breath of relief. So, Langdon had been listening to her. She nodded for a moment, thoughts spinning.

“Go to Emily,” she said.

“What?”

“Apologize,” she says, rising from her seat and starting towards the door, “you have to work together to find out more.”

Timothy gaped for a second, pushing off the table as he watched her leave.

“What about you?” he finally spoke.

“I’m the distraction, remember?”

The boy could only stand there as the door closed behind her; brows furrowed. God, why did she always have to be so… cryptic? Scratching at the back of his head, Timothy paced back and forth for a moment.

The creaking of the door caught his attention once more. Freezing mid-step, he rose his gaze to stare at the new arrival. Emily was peeking her head in, looking for any sign of Em before walking back inside.

“What did she say?”

Timothy let his hand drop to her side, “That we need to work together.”

“Did you tell her about the emails?”

“Yeah.”

“What did she say?”

“Nothing,” Timothy replied, “but she’s always examined our findings before saying a word… even to us.”

Emily sighed, reaching out for his hands which he carefully placed in her own. She stared at them as her fingers smoothed over his knuckles and traced circles on the back of his hands.

“She’s hiding something,” she said, biting her lips and eyes welling with concern, “Langdon must have done something to her.”

“Or maybe she didn’t find anything,” Timothy reminded, “She’s honest to a fault… a really, really big fault.”

A small smile graced Emily’s lips. It was quickly gone, replaced by an expression of determination. Finally, she looked up at him.

“We need to investigate on our own.”

Timothy opened his mouth, but she quickly cut him off, “without Em. He can’t silence all of us.”

***

“Who deserves a shot at salvation?” Langdon’s questioned, voice booming across the room as he strode to his desk with a bounce in his step. Venable stood by the fire, back straight and lips pressed into a thin line. The woman was like a statue. Then again, the Greys had come to call her the ‘iron woman’ for a reason. Even iron rusted.

He eyed his files, hands hovering over the names of Purples. He knew exactly how Venable viewed them, the rage she felt at their presence.

“Let’s start with… Coco St. Pierre Vanderbuilt.”

Settling in his chair, Langdon placed a hand on either side of the desk, keeping his posture open. Body language was a key part of communication. It was processed so subconsciously one didn’t know they were telling a story with their whole bodies. He needed Venable to feel like she was in charge. Give her the power and then yank it out from under her feet.

Venable scoffed before her eyes narrowed on him, “The Vanderbuilt girl is a vacuous abomination of inbreeding. She’d be my last choice to propagate the human race.”

Langdon simply stared at her and she continued on with her rambling. Each insult pulling her spine straighter and straighter, giving her a pathetic illusion of power.

“The hairdresser is a cowardly homosexual. His grandmother is a festering pustule who just will… not… die.” She ranted, eyes alighting with a fire of superiority and a satisfied smirk crawling onto her face. Recognizing her own hubris, she pulled back and tapped her cane quietly. “And the talk show host…”

The woman balked at that one, glancing at her feet as she searched for something to say.

“Well, actually,” she admitted, “I don’t know that much about that one.”

“And Emily?”

When he looked upon Wilhemina Venable he did not see a leader. He didn’t even see a person. All he could see was the woman who had tried to hit Em, the fear in her eyes when the brunette refused to cower. Langdon had no pity for those who abuse their power.

“I’m surprised we haven’t run out of oxygen with all her preaching,” Venable scoffed, “She’s an ungrateful brat that’s never satisfied. A mangy mutt that thinks she’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

Langdon showed no reaction to her words. His face was an iron mask that, unlike Venable, he knew how to regulate.

“Mutts can still bite.”

The woman chuckled, clearly amused, “all she knows how to do is bark. She lacks the backbone needed to carry out anything of substance.”

Langdon offered a mocking smile that Venable quickly mistook for validation. Her eyes glimmered with the satisfaction of a queen on her throne.

“At this rate, you and I will have the Sanctuary all to ourselves.” He noted. The woman made no move to react or acknowledge his statement.

“Come,” he sighed, rising from his desk once more and rounding it to stand at her side, “There’s no need for us to be adversaries, Ms. Venable.”

The woman seemed to consider his proposition, chin rising ever slightly to look into his eyes. They were so blue it was easy to see why many residents were mesmerized by them. There was an… attraction to the man, a magnetic quality. Perhaps a man she could tolerate. A man Venable could use to get out of this hell hole to rise to a position more suitable to her skills.

Langdon allowed her to stare for a long moment. He stood close to the woman, but not close enough. She would have to make the move… at which point he would land the final blow.

“Take off your dress,” he ordered, tone and words off enough to make Venable falter. Her eyes widened in surprise as she processed his request, but made no move to put distance between herself and Langdon.

“I will not,” she gaped, incredulous and chuckling as if he were telling her a horrible joke.

Langdon’s face remained as it was.

“Part of your cooperation includes a physical examination,” he reminded.

Venable, like Em, knew exactly what a physical examination required. She kept her eyes on the man, refusing to give him any more ground than he had already conquered. “You can read my file.”

The blond’s head quirked to the side as he assessed the woman before him, “Your file won’t show me what I need to see… your shame.”

Venable’s confident smirk disappeared and his own quickly formed. It was as if he was sucking the power from her and fueling himself. Slowly, he began to circle with his hands behind his back, a vulture around a wounded and slowly dying animal.

“I want to see that part of you that humiliates you the most.”

His hand trailed up her arm and over her shoulder where it came to rest by her neck, touch light as a feather. Her hand sank into his like a claw before it could reach the zipper just a breath away from his fingers. He placed another hand on her other shoulder, caging her in place and leaning in so his breath fanned her ear.

“You won’t get a second chance.”

Venable’s breath made her chest rise and fall, panic rising from her belly and into her chest. She stared at the ground, weighing her options before she finally retracted her claws.

Langdon’s hand trailed to her back, slowly pulling down the zipper of her dress to reveal a twisted spine, the flesh around it a deep bruised purple.

“Does it hurt?” he asked, hands trailing down her spine.

Venable spoke with all the conviction she could muster. She focused her eyes on the wall and willed her tears to return back into her eyes, “no.”

She felt his face come closer to her cheek, voiced hushed as he spoke, “Does it bring you great pain.”

It took Venable a moment to gather the breath to even formulate a response, shoulders shuttering. A single tear fell down her cheek, the shame too much to bear.”

“Yes.”

Slowly, she turned her head towards him. His nose was almost close enough to brush her own and she tilted her head as if she hoped he’d kiss her.

“Is this part of my test?” the red-haired woman asked, eyes staring into his with a vulnerability she hadn’t show in years.

He shook his head, moving slightly towards her, “isn’t everything?”

“So then,” she said, eyes flickering to his lips, “Do I pass?”

Langdon leaned forward, her eyes closing in expectation as his nose brushed her own. His breath and the expectation of his lips made her heart hammer in her chest.

Then it was gone, a wicked smile forming before her eyes on the man. She felt the humiliation before he had even said a word. More tears trailed down her cheeks.

Revenge certainly was sweet.

“No.”

***

Em sat in the salon, Coco on the couch opposite her. The blond was posed, resting her elbow atop the back of the chair and her head upon her dangling hand. It was an Instagram-worthy pose. One Em was supposed to be capturing… instead, she was drawing Langdon from memory. She was merely using Coco as a reference to draw the couch he was leaned back on, legs crossed and eyes on his file.

“Are you almost done?” Coco snipped, “my elbow is cramping.

To her credit, she had drawn Coco. She just hadn’t told the woman she had finished.

“Do you want it done right?” Em asked. There was no hard in torturing the woman just a little longer. For once the salon was quiet. Coco was deep in thought about something, a rare occurence.

“My family was supposed to be here,” Coco said, breaking the brief respite with her quiet words, “My dad purchased the tickets.

Em glanced up at her before her eyes returned to her drawing. She was unsure of what Coco wanted from her. “So you've said.”

Green eyes flickered back to the blonde as she shifted uncomfortably. Halting in her ministrations, Em watched her for a moment. It was like a sudden ripple in the water, something either falling below or coming towards the surface.

Coco’s eyes flickered to the fire. She remembered being a tiny tot having lavish bonfires with her family in flannel shirts that cost more than a small New York apartment. Her little brother would be such a menace, chasing her around with dirt-covered hands or a worm dangling off a stick. She’d scream but always found herself laughing when he’d toss it at her. He always had the worst aim. Their father had to bribe the high-school baseball team into letting the boy play.

The woman turned in her seat, Em closing her sketchbook to give Coco her attention. The blonde sunk in her seat. Her lips twisted and eyes focusing on the empty spot in front of her, furrowed brows darkening her expression.

Finally, she looked to Em, scooting towards her and crossing her legs on the couch. “You’re one of those… smart people, right? Do you think they suffered?”

“I—” Em was blindsided by the question, mouth opening and closing like a gaping fish.

Coco was quick to press the subject, “They were in Hong Kong — right by the first blast.”

The woman’s eyes were so desperate Em couldn’t even formulate a thought. What was she supposed to say? What was the truth? Was it better to tell her a lie or the harsh reality?

“Coco, I—”

“Did they?”

Jaw tensing, Em took in her eyes welling with unshed tears and her hands which tightly gripped at her arm. This wasn’t something the woman wanted, but something she needed. They were all facing death and with it their own guilt and regrets.

“They would have been… incinerated in a matter of seconds,” she found herself saying. Em's voice was slow and even in an attempt to keep it from trembling. Her hands reached to squeeze Coco’s as if her touch was a soothing balm to the wounds they were reopening. “If they did feel any pain it would have been like a paper cut— sharp and then… nothing.”

Coco nodded, chest rising and falling as she tried to keep panic from rising. Trembling lips formed an uneven smile as she looked up at Em. The action shocked the brunette. It was a part of Coco she had never seen, a part of Coco she empathized with.

“Thank you,” Coco whispered, squeezing the other woman’s hands. Em was too shocked to move. She was still processing the situation, her own words and the meaning behind them, the weight they held.

Coco fanned at her eyes, tilting her head back.

“Oh,” she whined, “I can’t cry… I only brought enough eyeliner to last me a year. Mallory!”

She was gone before Em could even realize. The brunette’s brows were furrowed as she stared at the floor, confused and… sad — so, so sad. The kind of sadness that hit you like a punch to the gut, strong enough to make you double over.

Her own breath became labored as the voices once again welled in her head. They screamed and begged for life, just one more moment to apologize for their wrongs… to make right arguments that turned into their last words. A million hands gripped on to her, dragging her into the black and gaping void. She could feel their fingers digging into her skin, bruises rising to the surface.

Em jumped as a hand touched her shoulder, squeezing it and pulling her out of the river Styx. She wiped her face of tears and turned to the man she hadn’t even heard approaching.

Langdon was blatantly concerned, kneeling beside her and holding her hands. It centered her somewhat, kept her from drowning.

“Why do you cry?” He asked, voice quiet and gentle.

“I don’t know,” she admitted with a shake of her head. Suddenly, she stood, Langdon mirroring her actions. Green eyes looked everywhere but at him and her hands slipped from his grip. “Excuse me.”

His hand shot out; grip strong enough to stop her from turning away. It loosened, and he let his hand drop to his side as he willed her to look at him.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Yet I feel guilty all the same.”

Langdon shook his head and took a step towards her, hand hovering over her back as his body curled around her front. “You couldn’t have saved them.”

Em’s hands curled into fists at her side. She remembered her brother, her nieces, her nephews — all too young to die. Taking a step away from him, she finally spoke. “I could have made sure they didn’t die alone.”

Langdon loosened his grip, allowed her to walk away. His eyes didn’t leave her as she left the room, palms swiping at her cheeks as she made her way down the hall.

That was the difference between them — Venable and Em. The former played at caring but used it as a weapon. The red-haired woman was a Puritan preacher, rising the heat on who she perceived as sinners. She didn’t really care about what she preached. It only served to keep those around her in line.

Em, however… Em cared. She cared even when she didn’t want to, when she wanted to be annoyed. Satan did not hate the humans just because they were mortal, flawed. Lucifer was once an angel, after all. An angel dedicated to justice against the sinners.

***

The salon was a place none of them could stay away from for long. It was like the living room of your house, a place you always wandered to when you didn’t know what to do.

Em didn’t like looking weak. She had already cried in front of Langdon more times than she had cried in front of her own mother. Perhaps it meant she was comfortable with him. The thought of anyone seeing her with snot running out of her nose and eyes puffy and red was still humiliating.

Much to her surprise, Gallant was in the salon. His eyes were dead as he stared into the distance, his usual shades missing to reveal the face of a man who had lost everything.

She had heard about what happened, the torture brought to him by his own grandmother’s hands. Coco wasn’t exactly good at keeping things quiet.

“I don’t want to talk,” Gallant grumbled, sensing her presence.

“I didn’t come to talk.”

Gallant turned to look at her over the back of the couch. He had expected Coco. Somehow this was even worse. The hairdresser wanted to hate her, but he knew it was Langdon he was really angry at.

“Here to gloat?” he asked, slumping back into his seat and picking up a glass which had fallen to the side. He picked it up, closed one eye to stare at the bottom, and then downed the rest of the water.

“You aren’t the best man in the world, but you certainly aren’t the worst,” Em said as she took a seat opposite him. She left a cushion length between him and herself. “But there’s no sin in that.”

Gallant glowered at her and scoffed, “great pep-talk. You and Dinah should be co-hosts.”

Em watched as he stared at his glass once more and frowned, letting his hand drop to his side once more. Gallant may be pouting like a child, but it wasn’t without reason.

“Do you want some water?” she asked and he numbly nodded his head. She rose from her seat and brought over the pitcher, sitting closer to him to take the glass from his hands. The man was nearly catatonic like a sad drunk. With a sigh, she placed the pitcher on the coffee table and the glass back in his hands.

“You’re not disgusting Gallant,” She assured, squeezing his hands around the glass, “a bit arrogant, perhaps, but not disgusting.”

After a moment she pulled away. “And it’s okay to mourn what could have been.”

The man stayed silent, sparing a few fleeting glances in her direction. He reminded her of a lost puppy. A petulant one — the kind that would tear up your shoes and your house until you came home. Somehow, they were endearing despite the annoyance they brought.

Gallant sat still for a moment before leaning on her shoulder. Tears began to flow freely from his eyes and he curled into her like a lost child. Slowly, her arms curled around him and she held him to her chest.

“Welcome to the shitty family club,” She jested once he had finally calmed himself down. The man shook his head and chuckled through tears, using the corner of his dress shirt to clear away his tears and snot.

“You tell anyone and I’ll kill you,” he said, a smile forming on Em despite her previous feelings towards the man. She half expected him to run off as Coco had, use her for the therapy and then go back to his day.

“Twenty questions?” he asked, grabbing the pitcher and pouring himself and Em a glass. He held it out expectantly and she slowly took it from his hands.

“With no drinks?”

“Don’t remind me.”

[borisbubbles]

28. ITALY

Diodato - “Fai Rumore”

And we’re back to our usual disconnect, where everyone pretends to love Italy and I don’t. I cannot wait for all the Italian crazies to be OUTRAGED by this ranking (28/41 is fine for an entry I don’t care about...?) and reblog this all over the tumblrverse and inflate my reader stats. 😈 but first, let’s discuss what we have on our hands here. 

Song Analysis

There’s no way this post *won’t* end up offensive to every Fai Rumore fan, so I will resort to brutal honesty. I never, ever, *ever* cared about “Fai rumore”. In fact, I’d even say it’s strongly overrated by the gross of the Eurovision fandom? 

Okay so here’s the deal. I will not deny that “Fai Rumore” has several things going for it. The song has emotional gravitas, Diodato has a great voice and acts very well. It’s technically precise and well produced. It is very competent at what it sets out to be, which is a very standard HQ Sanremo Power Ballad. 

But here’s where I feel like I deviate from the norm: You may think “wow Fai Rumore! How brilliant, meticulous and poised”, but I think “how expected, overtly earnest and unfun?” 

The problem is, this is Boris’s Bubble and Boris doesn’t enjoy songs that feel like they belong inside a trophy cupboard, and “Fai rumore” is exactly one of those songs, don’t lie. So “meticulous, poised and brilliant” you say, well *I* say “how overtly earnest, unfun and aloof”? I have a Spotify - if I wanted to listen to good music, I’d just use that? Or one of my like 15 Youtube Playlists containing non-ESC entries? Why would I watch Eurovision, or Sanremo for that matter, for the good music when there are so many other (and easier) options available for me that align better to my tastes?

The fact that “Fai Rumore” is *too* perfect for me (and therefore very hard to empathize with imo) is one thing, which leads to other thing I need to point out. I’ll let my friend Matthew take over here, who wrote this paragraph on ESCUnited right after Diodato’s selection: 

That final sentences is bone-chilling because it’s so, so true. “I AM A SOPHISTICATED MUSIC FAN BECAUSE I FOLLOW ~FESTIVALE DI SANREMO~” is such a common trope of elistism (like, replace “San Remo” with any quality newspaper, nobel prize winning author or classical music composer and you’ll find to be nearly universally applicable to snobs across the globe), but I find it specifically ugly in Eurovision.

You see, would the same courtesy be extended to a country of lower prestige if they got a Fai Rumore? Would the same courtesy be extended to a person of colour? or a woman? How about others songs that, like Fai Rumore, emulate their country’s musical traditions (Fai Rumore is SO italian you can smell the basil), except those traditions fall outside of the western European bubble? See, it doesn’t bother me that Italians like Fai Rumore and are proud of it. They’re Italians. Of course they are! I don’t judge them for it. I don’t rly care if the odd introvert finds solace in a song of this calibre. But as soon as Matthew made the aforementioned post, people who had previously rated Diodato as a 5/6 already started adjusting their scores to 10s and 12s and, well...

It bothers me that the same fanbase that DEMANDS cultural diversity (Diodato) and/or MOAR ETHNOBOPS (Efendi) refuse to accept a Solovey or an Origo -which are a thousandfold more layered, sophisticated and daring- as an equal. 

It bothers *even more* me that people are willing to immediately give Italy a plethora of chances (especially when they choose men! fuck institutionalised sexism!), while not doing the same for a Belarus. Belarus HAS no clear musical scene or funds to really produce good music, yet produced a ridiculously good NF (with a VERY righteous winner - yes, Chakras, but also: Chakras) I’ve seen snobs SLAM VAL, mercilessly despite being an excellent left-field pick (god imagine if Yan had won Eurofest for a sec. What a nightmare). Italy, otoh, also delivered a sterling NF, have *a VERY* rich musical tradition, tons of talent and money and production value... and they still went the lowest common denominator available, and yet they receive praise, without so much as a whisper of protest from our so-called “value seekers”. This level of hypocrisy and double standard wielding, all in the name of wishing to be taken seriously delivers *such* a toxic undercurrent to Eurovision and has absolutely soured me on Diodato. This isn’t his fault, but sadly he’s become a weapon of mass misconstruction and well just because I hate the guy who pressed the big red button more doesn’t mean I automatically like ICBMs. As we come near the songs I actually give a damn’ about, I will start calling the shitpociries out. Brace yourself for it, when I rank Solovey and Da Vidna inside my top five.

Want some examples specifically pertaining to the Diodato fandom? Sure, I’ll give you some:

EJEMPLO UNO: 

Diodato fanboys openly coddling him on social media post-lockdown all “PROTECT OUR POOR MUNCHKIN FROM THE CORONAVIRUS”. Like... he’s a *thirty-eight year old adult* he can take care of himself, BACK UP OFF HIM you freaks. 

EJEMPLO DOS: 

The relevant media having baptized Diodato as THE SAVING GRACE OF THE LOCKDOWN, ITALIANS SINGING ‘FAI RUMORE’ FROM THEIR BALCONIES IN DEFIANCE OF COVID-19, which is such a bullshit narrative it’s turned my hair from black to brown.  Yes, the Italians sang ���Fai Rumore”. What they don’t tell you is that they also sang many other Italian and non-Italian songs, including humanitarian anthem “Roar” by Kety Perr (cue to Katy Perry being like “OMG I’M SO HONORED TO INSPIRE SO MANY ITALIANS ::hungarianflagemoji::” on twitter.). CNN Like, Eurovision related media LOVE portraying it as a ~life-chaning confort anthem~ - the reality is that “Fai rumore”, while playing its part, was merely a tiny spoke in a giant wheel. 

EJEMPLO QUATRO:

Well take a look at how many people will reblog this post and slam it for daring to point out, what I think are really obvious truths to anyone who doesn’t suffer from musical myopia. 

In the end, the song is okay and it’s okay to love it. But if you ‘love’ it because you’ve convinced yourself that you must, and not because it genuinely means something to you, I don’t think you have grounds to criticise to criticise anyone but yourself.

NF Corner

As I said, I didn’t follow San Remo live (I never do! *gasp* blasphemy, I know), but I did plan to check it for this write-up except RAI deleted every live performance? And they won’t let me embed the few remaining vids either? 

Anyway, this happened so right-click-open this a new tab and then return once you’ve finished it. 

Backstage feuds being fought out LIVE on the stage in front of millions of viewers 😍 Apparently Morgan and Bugo were at loggerheads for a while, and had a massive row RIGHT before their performance on the second night, which caused Morgan to stray from the script and sing all the insulting things Bugo told him *to Bugo* instead of the actual lyrics of their duet. 😍 😍 😍 Bugo IMMEDIATELY stormed off the stage to the point where Amadeus had to like... literally tell the gobsmacked audience that Bugo had left the building 😍 😍 😍. This is some god-tier pettiness and I’m completely in awe of it. DEITIES. 😍

aside from Sincerogate, I would’ve embedded vidoes that contained the DRAMA (Rancore), CAMP (Achille) and UNABASHED WEIRDNESS (Levante) of this year’s line-up, but I guess RAI really doesn’t like for people to have fun. Oh well. 

Italy 2020 vs Italy 2021

Diodato is male and Italian, so yeah, guaranteed top 10 in Rotterdam, no matter what happens. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Cynicism aside, televoters WOULD have flocked to it without thinking twice (for exactly those two reasons), passing over many better entries in the process and well... I’m tired and exhausted and I think you can guess I am not very impressed by this likely outcome. 

Not sure what RAI’s strategy for 2021 is (lol it’s RAI - they don’t have a strategy. besides Italy have bigger fish to fry than the Eurovision Song Contest as you know), but I’m not very invested either way. I could imagine them internally selecting Diodato if he’s willing to do ESC in 2021, but if this was a one-off deal (which I think it was), they will probably select another plain white bloke for you to obsess over, so no worries :-) #TuttoVaPene

FREAKY! FRIDAY! FACTOR!

I’m sort of conflicted? On one hand, god Fai Ru*snore* is SO typical of “Italy in Eurovision”, not just from a musical perspective but from a point of reverence as well. On to the other hand, when are the fanbases *not* acting insane w/r/t Italy?

San Remo was  really crazy this year, enough for me to award Italy a couple Senheads. However... if I wanted to see nice and inoffensive triumph over a bunch of deranged, gimmicky, ott masterpieces, I’d just rewatch #London1977? (offensive take #16: “people that like Marie Myriam the most in 1977 do not understand Eurovision”) Ehhhh whatevs.

Score: 2 Senhits out of 5. 

[kjmhj0429995486]

Perhaps a small winwin and kun college au?

okay this took me forever to get around to oops! hahahha this is honestly way too many words for nothing to really happen but I had fun writing it. would love to maybe continue this eventually!

tinder!au i guess??

kun despised the idea of dating apps. absolutely hated it. he always criticized the vanity and impermanence of meeting people online and stood by his ground that you could only find the perfect match in person. when kun created a tinder account under the influence of a few drinks and some very resilient friends on a friday night in, he still hated dating apps, but he’d admit now that maybe he was being a little early to judge.

kun wasn’t like his friends. ten lived for nights out and meeting new people and kissing boys he’d only just met. in a similar vein, lucas was always in a relationship, whether it being a fling that lasts a few weeks before he gets bored or one of his longer, more emotional engagements, kun has never known the man without someone on his arm. but kun was different. since they started college over three years ago now, he’d only kissed a handful of boys, maybe a girl or two in the beginning, and he’d only been in two relationships, both pretty long term relative to his friends. with the last one ending nearly a year ago, he couldn’t help but feel a little lonely; however, it wasn’t until the alcohol settled into his veins as he listened to stories of his friends’ most recent passionate endeavors during their guys’ night that he expressed this to anyone else.

“oh my god and then afterwards, he literally just, left me there. on the couch, naked. he didn’t even leave a blanket for me,” ten was a few shots in, speaking dramatically and drawing the most genuine reactions from his tipsy bestfriends as he spoke. “but oh my GOD did I even care after what that man had just done to me.”

kun never understood the hookup culture that his friends subscribed to, but he was happy for them; and they knew that, even if his snide remarks came off a little judgy. “i really can’t believe the situations you get yourself into sometimes,” kun laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “like you really can’t tell me it was worth getting treated that way to have sex with someone you’ll never see again.”

“kun,” ten began, placing his hands on kun’s shoulders and looking him in the eye, feigning as much seriousness as he could muster in his current state. “you really really need to get laid already,” this made kun immediately roll his eyes and laugh softly in ten’s face. “actually you don’t even have to fuck him right away, but like you could really use a cute boy in your life, man,” he ended with a slight seriousness that hit home more than he would’ve expected. kun knew exactly why ten was saying what he was saying. obvious to his friends, he’d been really stressed lately with midterms and club activities and whatever else he managed to find to keep himself busy enough to not have time to worry about how he felt so incomplete; about how much better all the stressful things in his life would be if someone else was there to experience them with him.

“wait wait wait,” lucas intergected, his normal deep voice even more boisterous with the drinks in his system. “you should make a tinder.”

at this, ten’s eyes widened and he immediately perked up with the biggest smile on his face.

“absolutely not.” kun intended to shut this conversation down before the boys got any stupid ideas in their heads. he was a little late.

“kun pleaseeeee?” ten begged with full on puppy dog eyes. “you never know, the love of your life might be on there right now.”

kun pulled away from the grip ten still had on his shoulders and raised his eyebrows at his friends in an attempt to get his seriousness through their heads. “no way. you guys know how i feel about dating apps. i will happily wait a thousand years for the right man to meet me face to face if that’s what it takes.”

lucas was not convinced. “dude you haven’t had a boyfriend in months. literally all you do when you’re not with us is study. obviously that’s not making you any progress soulmate wise so like.. what’s the harm in giving it a go?”

neither was ten. “exactly. kun you deserve to find someone, you really do. worst case scenario you go on a couple of bad dates and we have something to laugh about, best case scenario you find someone you think you can fall in love with,” kun softens, just a bit, at the sincerity of ten’s words. for a second that is. “and yeah most of them suck but i promise there’s some high quality, top notch men on there if you look hard enough. trust me, i’ve found a couple myself,” he adds with a quick wink. when kun’s scowl returns to his face ten reverts to his previous tactic: puppy dog eyes. “pleassssse kun. you know we really just want the best for you.”

kun sighs, rolling his eyes begrudgingly at his defeat. “i can’t believe i’m saying this out loud but i guess i have been kind of lonely lately,” he begins, catching his friends’ hopeful attention. “not in like a sad kind of way but maybe in a ‘this would be better with someone else’ kind of way.”

that was enough for lucas to grab kun’s phone from its place on the coffee table and download the app before kun even had time to protest.

-

“awww he’s kinda cute.” ten said, clicking to view the full profile of a boy just a year younger than kun.

“he’s holding a dead fish.”

“you know what they say, the bigger the dead fish the bigger his...”

“literally no one has ever said that.”

“ugh fine. next.”

kun went to bed that night disappointed about to his expectations, if not a little more.

-

it wasn’t until three days later when kun was laying in bed after a busy school day that he even remembered he had downloaded the stupid app a few nights prior. after a brief battle between his strong opinions towards the dumb application sitting almost mockingly on his home screen and his skeptical curiosity, he unlocked his phone and opened the neglected app, the latter obviously winning out.

kun spent a few minutes swiping. he clicked each individual profile to get as solid of a read as he could on each guy before making his decision with a careful consideration, something he had definitely never seen either of friends apply to their tinder boy sprees. left. left. left. kun was growing ever more frustrated, none of the boys striking a chord with him. perhaps he was being a bit harsh with his standards but he really truly felt that he couldn’t see himself in a relationship with any of these men. left. left. left again. and that’s when he stopped. almost instinctively swiping on the next boy before a picture loaded before his eyes that made him rethink every criticism he had ever given his friends or their dumb app. this one was cute. more than cute. kun never really understood what the phrase “boyish charm” meant, but he knew this boy had it. he was beautiful in such an understated way. not aggressively attractive by conventional standards, but gorgeous and delicate and handsome in a way that kun thinks he could stare at for hours.

with a breath of fresh air, kun finally swiped right. he felt a brief wave of something akin to panic, or maybe excitement, wash over him when a screen he had yet to see appeared. “it’s a match! sicheng likes you too,” the screen read. kun couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on his face for a split second before he forced it into a scowl, unhappy that he had fallen into the trap of these dumb apps. soon after, kun put his phone down and went to bed. he hated the lingering curiosity about the boy that he knew nothing about, but let himself indulge in his own imagination for just a little while before falling asleep to the thought of having someone to call his.

-

the next day was busy for kun. between his four classes and studying for his upcoming midterms, he hadn’t even had a second to consider swiping mindlessly through tinder or messaging the single boy he had deemed worthy of his swipe. that was, until he was sat outside the dining hall, letting himself enjoy a few free minutes to eat dinner with ten and lucas. amidst lucas’ downward spiral into the stress of his classes and how much work he has to do, kun’s phone buzzes. he doesn’t want to be as distracted as he is from his friends’ problems by the notification his phone lights up with, but he can’t seem to fight the curiosity of what the tiny words that read “sicheng sent you a new message.” would reveal. kun decides to wait until he can give his full attention to the weird little crush that’s already begun brewing on the total stranger living in his phone. he locks his phone and puts it in his pocket before returning his attention to the people in his life he knows are actually real.

-

back in his dorm, kun immediately flops onto his bed. he scrolls aimlessly through twitter and instagram before finally landing back where he was last night. knowing that he has a ton of studying to do before bed, he clicks on the messages tab and indulges himself, maybe for a little longer than he means to.

kun: hmmm maybe if i deem you worthy

sicheng: and how do i obtain your approval oh great magician?

kun: well for starters

kun: you’re really cute so that gets your foot in the door

sicheng: 😳

kun: but it’s gonna take a little more than that unfortunately

sicheng: i can dance

sicheng: does that help?

sicheng: ooh and i have a dog

sicheng: but he lives with my parents :(

sicheng: or i can show you my anime figurine collection it’s pretty impressive

kun: haha honestly?

kun: i think you just might be worthy of two magic tricks😂

sicheng: you mean to tell me you know more than one magic trick????

sicheng: wait

sicheng: are you a wizard?

kun: not last i checked

kun: but i guess you’ll be happy to know that i actually know like

kun: 10 magic tricks

sicheng: whaaaaaat

sicheng: lol what point in your life did you not have any friends?

kun: middle school😔

kun: but it’s okay i came out stronger

sicheng: so now you have friends AND know magic?

sicheng: AND you’re hot??

sicheng: sounds kinda op to me

kun: well i’d say all of those are only kind of true

sicheng: i’m still impressed

kun: thank you

sicheng: ✌︎('ω'✌︎ )

kun absolutely hated the stupid smile that wouldn’t leave has face as he read back the boy’s replies. but, as he continued to slowly learn bits and pieces of the boy that didn’t exist to him until last night through conversation that came way more easily than he ever would’ve imagined, kun decides that maybe something special really could come from this after all.