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mytraumanarrative · 6 months

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I Play Rugby Now - Fall 2014

Written March 16, 2024

I started college in 2014 immediately after my high school graduation. My undergraduate university requires all incoming freshmen to attend a freshman orientation. We were put in the small groups and toured around campus in the heat and the hills. Learning where different buildings were and playing mandatory get to know you games with other terrified 18 year olds. In my orientation group, I met a girl named Caylee Joye. Caylee was bleach-blonde with striking blue eyes, too much mascara, and of average build, except for her giant tits. We strongly resembled one another at the time, physically and humor wise. She was my first friend at college. Though I was only an hour and a half away from my hometown and my college was tiny and isolated among wheat fields, it was comforting to have a friend in what felt like a very large and scary place.

Caylee told me she played rugby back home and she was looking forward to trying out for the girls rugby team here. I thought it was cool, kind of hot, even, but I don’t recall having any strong interest in playing myself at the time. Somehow I didn’t get any of Caylee‘s contact info by the time our orientation had ended. Though I am generally likable, I was and am still fairly shy. If it weren’t for the unique spelling of her name, my desperate attempts to find her on social media may have been fruitful. The first week of classes came and I was relieved to see Caylee in one of my women’s studies classes. She caught me up on what dorm she was in, about her move from the west side, and how to spell her name. When Caylee said she was still planning to try out for rugby in the coming weeks, a girl seated near us shifted her eyes on our direction.

That’s the day I met Sara.

Sara told us she was on the rugby team in a matter of fact way that didn’t really feel like an invitation to know more. She wore a bold, red, zip-up sweatshirt with her sorority logo on it and a full face of make up, Lululemon black leggings with little white ankle socks peeking over her black and white vans. Her sweatshirt hugged the curves of her large body, her size being the only thing that made her stand out from other sorority girls. She clearly fell somewhere between desperately wanting attention and also wanting to never be seen; needing to be noticed and hating what she had to offer. I didn’t yet know just how deeply that ran. (I don’t say these things to confirm that her size made her anything less than her sorority sisters because I do not believe that. But the way she felt about herself is a integral part of her experience and of this story.)

I didn’t know at the time, but meeting Sara would change the course of my life forever. I can’t for sure say what it was about her, and not in some indescribable quality about her way. She was actually so average that I cannot recall what drew me into her, but I was. If anything, she stood out because she didn’t fit in, and her shyness made her seem kind of mean. When she told us she was on the rugby team it didn’t seem like a desire to connect, her face didn’t light up, her eyes didn’t sparkle (though later, when she frequently asked me to tell the story of how I immediately fell in love with her, I would lie and tell her that they did). I think I noticed a desperate need to be validated and the hardness she lives behind. And I think it was at that moment I decided deep in my gay little guts that I would be the one to soften her, to reassure her of all her insecurities, to prove to her she is a good and beautiful person. I decided all of that before I even knew if she was a good and beautiful person.

So this girl, who clearly hated herself and was trying desperately to prove her worth by fitting in, somehow won me over with her bad attitude, side eye, obligatory white people smile (you know, the one where we purse our lips tight over our teeth and look a little constipated), and her immediate disinterest in me.

First impressions are a bitch. And now I play rugby.

Well, played. For one year to be exact. Though I tried out for rugby with the intention of becoming Sara’s Knight in a Shining Armor, I also discovered that it is inherently the gayest sport alive. God Bless. Having recently come out and simultaneously dumped by my high school girlfriend (that’s another story that you’ll probably get to hear about later) I was ready to live my gay college girl dreams.

Sara and I didn’t start dating right away, not even close. But this is where the obsession began. Memories tend to become warped with time and even more so after enduring years of narcissistic gaslighting, so it can be hard to reflect on my actual thoughts or feelings during that time. How much was I truly attracted upon our first meeting? How long did it take for her to notice? I don’t know. What I do know is I became obsessed with making her feel good about herself, it made me feel good about myself. Every skillfully placed self-deprecating comment motivated me to save her from her own insecurity, and she knew it too. My new life’s purpose was to be good enough, perfect enough, that she believed she too was perfect. (Spoiler alert: impossible.)

Disclaimer: if you don’t know, or haven’t already gathered, I am a trans man. I didn’t know or come out as trans until I was about 20 years old. So, much of this begins when I was still identifying as a girl, and even more strongly, a lesbian. All trans people are different in how they like to be referred to in the past and present. Some hold firmly to the fact that they “always knew,” having had a strong sense of who they were before they had the language or safety to share it with the world. I did not “always knew.” Yes, looking back there are signs of the beginning glimmers of gender dysphoria that I can decipher knowing what I know now. But I personally relate strongly to having a girlhood, discovering myself as a lesbian, and learning to find my place among other women. Again, everyone is different, and if you have a trans person in your life that you don’t know how to refer to in any tense, just ask.

#trans #transgender #ftm #abuse #emotional abuse #mental health #recovery #mental health recovery #narcissistic abuse #trauma #trauma narrative #fuck you #yeah you

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superhero--imagines · 4 years

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Part 1 here! / Part 2 Here! / Part 3 here!

A/N: I already know some of y’all are going to be mad, it’s 2020 and twilight needs some diversity, don’t @ me.

* You’re not really sure how you got here

* “This ones done”

* Edward holds out the blood bag to you, carefully pulling out the needles from you beloved Deer, Hayden.

* “Ah, thank you.” You place it carefully along with the others, before lavishing Hayden with affection

* “You were so good today! You’re going to get extra carrots, yes you are!”

* You’re aware of Edwards gaze on you as he disinfects the injection point.

* “You know it’s illegal to have Deer as pets in Alaska don’t you?” The corner of his mouth is quirked in the smallest smirk you have ever seen, and you roll your eyes

* “Tanya got a permit, the official stance is they’re her deer, I just take care of them for some extra pocket money”

* Not that anyone would venture into the “siren house” to ask questions

* You knew people were probably wary of coming up to the estate, even the mail man looked dead scared when he left Irina’s Lululemon packages in the mailbox

* But you didn’t think the locals legit called the manse “The Siren House”

* Edward told you they used to call it “The Witch House” but then, upon seeing the Denali sisters, changed it to Siren

* Edward doesn’t say anything, just moves to take the filled blood bags up to the house

* Ever the gentleman

* You really thought Edward would show up once, figure out he couldn’t read your mind, and retreat into his own moody silence.

* You figured you would mostly be dealing with Carlisle, who would teach you how to draw blood from your heard of deers, and then you would be on your own.

* But instead it was Edward who volunteered to do it for you, Carlisle was busy with his day job after all.

* He shows up once a week, usually after school, and carefully extracts the blood

* Then he puts them inside the fridge and leaves

* You really don’t get what’s going on, if he hates you so much why even bother coming over in the first place

* You’re about to fall into your usual rhythm of handing him the blood bags, which he then puts in the fridge when he breaks your routine

* “Why-“ your head pops up from the small pile of blood bags and to him. He’s looking away, but then his gaze meets yours. “Why go through all this trouble for a few deer.”

* You grin and hand him a blood bag

* “Another vampire might say the same thing to you, why go through all the trouble for a few humans?”

* He flinches, and you laugh. He’s so unaware of himself it’s actually funny

* “For the record, I do it because they remind me of my (Dog/Cat/Pet).” He quirks an eyebrow at that.

* “Your pet?”

* You nod. You’re number one concern on arrival here had been whether your dog was okay, but sifting through your memories of this life, you realized your dog had passed away in the middle of high school.

* “When I look into their face, all I can think about is my dog” you shrug, it’s the same with bears and other animals too.

* “Also, it’s kinda disgusting to drink that blood straight out of the animal.”

* Draining the blood must have deducted something from the taste, you can’t imagine what that skunky revolting flavor would have been like if you were drinking straight from the animal.

* Edward laughs. It’s the first time he’s laughed around you, pearly white canines in full view, the skin at the corner of his eyes folds

* It’s cute, very boyish. You get what Bella was talking about now

* “You get used to it after a while” he shrugs

* You shake your head, no one should ever have to drink that crap

* “Here, try some of my blood” you say it like you’re offering him some cookies you made. You pick up one of the bags, still warm, and he quirks an eyebrow

* This isn’t the first time you’ve offered, usually he declines and rushes to leave

* One time it looked like he might say yes, but then he noticed Tanya and excused himself.

* He accepts the bag, holding it up with one hand

* “Do you pour it in a mug?”

* And so you and Edward sip your blood-Capri-suns in the kitchen that’s only now started to be used

* You sit in the counter cross legged, while he leans against the adjacent counter. Both of you silently sipping your meals.

* “This is really good” he finally says, his blood bag almost empty.

* “Who’d you have? I’ve been trying to add different veggies to their meal to see if it brings out a different flavour profile.”

* He had Henrietta, who you had been giving more citrus too. Partially for flavour, and partially because she’s your favourite

* “It kind of tastes like...fruit punch” Edward recalls after a prolonged minute.

* He seems so nostalgic, you wonder how long it’s been since he’s had human food

* “I think genetics have something to do with the flavour too, the breed from this region all seem to have a fruity aftertaste”

* “I’m partial to deer since they don’t have a strong game taste aftertaste.”

* “Yes! That part is the worst, it’s like eating a skunk” You scowl and he laughs again.

* You know he doesn’t belong to you, he’s Bella’s, in a few years she’ll be all he thinks or cares about.

* But maybe the two of you can be friends until then.

* All at once the moments broken, Edward stands a bit straighter, the smile on his face gone.

* You turn to look behind you to see Carmen.

* Her head is tilted to the side, a smile tugging on her lips

* “You both look like you’re having fun.”

* After that the conversation is pleasant, but it definitely stutters until Edward eventually leaves.

* “I think he likes you” You’re reading a book by the fire, the gentle heat is nice and it sets the mood.

* “What?”

* Carmen’s grinning

* “The Cullen boy is interested in you.”

* You just shake your head. You doubt it, Edwards only got a one track mind for one person. And it’s not you

* “It would be nice if we could be friends though, I don’t really know many other people my physical age.”

* Carmen stops mid-stitch on her embroidery hoop

* “Is that something you want? Because the Cullen’s have other’s your a-“

* “I don’t need you to set up play dates for me Carmen”

* “Understood”

* Edward comes by regularly, to help you with your animals. You’re both always under the (discrete) supervision of one of your guardians (excluding Tanya of course.)

* And with each visit you learn a little more about him

* You find out that right now he’s masquerading as a senior in high school, he’s considering going to college for veterinary sciences

* “Why veterinary sciences?” You wonder if he’s about to poach your best deer and start his own blood business when he shrugs

* “It’s one of the few degrees I don’t have”

* You’re drinking blood-Capri-suns out on the porch, he’s still in his school clothes, including a very puffy jacket

* “What were you going to do?” Your raise an eyebrow and he elaborates “before you turned, what were you plans for the future.”

* “I was on my graduation trip, I was going to college in the fall”

* You got accepted into your safety school with a generous scholarship.

* Edward doesn’t press any further. But you can tell that he wants too.

* Many nights go by, you experiment with you animals diets, have supervised hang-outs with Edward, you meet Carlisle every so often who basically gives you therapy and helps you control your emotions

* Life is good

* But your growing complacency with the situation is starting to bother you

* You haven’t forgotten about Alec and Jane who are still fighting so hard to survive, or the countless others who would prefer this way of life if they only knew

* You know the minute you start being content is the minute the world wins

* So every night -or really every so often, you’ve lost all perception of time, the nights in Alaska are totally fucked and these heathens don’t even have a damn clock. Your only really sign of time is the mail man dropping off amazon packages- you sit and dream

* You think about giving back to the community, about saving your friends, and about dethroning fucking Aro

* You’re only at the beginning now, there’s still so much work to do, but it’s a start

* You hear a noise and your eyes open

* If you had a beating heart it would stutter when it saw Edward standing beside your bed, your hand moves on it’s own through reflex, clutching your heart

* Under the circumstances you would expect someone else to laugh, but Edward just looks confused

* “Are you...sleeping?”

* “I like to pretend, it’s a nice way to end the day” he raises an eyebrow at that

* “It’s 4 in the afternoon”

* “Well damn Edward, we don’t have any clocks in this house, how am I supposed to know what time it is.”

* He does laugh at that

* “Is it...nice?”

* “Yeah, it’s pretty relaxing, kills some time too.” Noticing the curious look on his face, you ask:

* “Do you want to try?” You pat the space on the bed beside you.

* You’re fully expecting for Edward with his old fashioned virtues to deny your suggestion. So you’re surprised that after several long seconds of silence, and a rather pained look, he adheres to your request and lies next to you on your bed.

* It’s a king size bed, so he’s at least three Great Danes away from you, but the closeness still surprises you.

* “What do I do now?” He says, eyes closed.

* “Daydream, or fantasise I guess, about things that happened in your day, or things you wish happened, places you want to go and memories you wish you could relive”

* “What do you usually dream about?” He asks, eyes open now

* “I think about Jane,” the answer is automatic, and you regret it as soon as the words come out. But Edward’s expression doesn’t change so you continue. “I think about my deers and my family too.” Most of the time you’re just thinking about what animal you want to excitement with next tbh

* “And sometimes I think about you.”

* And how glad you are to have a friend

* Edward doesn’t say anything for a long time, and for a second you hope he hasn’t misunderstood your words, you know he’ll never feel that way about you. All of those romantic feelings are saved for Bella

* “Would you like to come to my house sometime?” The questions throws you off, and your expression illicit’s a laugh from him. “Emmett and Esme are dying to meet the newborn from the Denali coven”

* That’s probably true for Esme, you’re pretty sure Emmett just wants to have some physical match with the “Volturi-reject”

* “That sounds fun, sure.”

* Maybe they have a clock in their house you can steal

* Edward shows up the next day in his shiny white Volvo to pick you up.

* On either side of you on the front porch are Carmen and Kate with their most fierce expressions (and behind them is Eleazer who just looks like he’s along for the ride)

* “Where are you going?” Kate asks

* “Our home on the other side of the mountain, you’ve been there before” Edwards got a small smile curling in his lips, and an eyebrow raised.

* “What will you do?” Carmen asks

* “My family’s having a board game night, I think we’re playing monopoly”

* “What time will you bring them home?” Kate intervenes, man they’re not even pretending to be polite

* “Well it’s not a school night-“ Seeing his joke isn’t going to land, he rethinks his words midway

* “Whenever they tell me to.”

* You’re half expecting to get a curfew, even though this household seems to operate without the concept of time, when Eleazer interjects

* “Well be safe, and have a good time.” He slides a backpack up your shoulders. “I packed you some blood bags in case you get hungry, Henrietta’s since I know that’s your favourite.”

* He’s the only one waving as you get into Edward’s car

* The view as you drive is breath taking, the snow covered mountains, abs crisp green trees

* Edward laughs beside you, at your awestruck expression no doubt

* “You don’t get out much do you?”

* You have your nose practically pressed to the glass

* “Not at all.”

* The Cullen’s home is reminiscent of the one from the movies. All light, with glass everywhere. It’s like a aurora, all wavy with no true shape

* “Welcome to our home (Y/N)” Carlisle greats you first, and behind him is... Esme

* She’s not at all like the books or the movie

* She’s definitely not white, you can’t tell exactly what race, but she’s definitely a POC.

* Her caramel cheekbones seem even more prominent when she offers you a smile.

* “It’s so nice to finally meet you, I’m Esme.”

* For some reason her being a POC, makes you feel more comfortable around her.

* Maybe you will ask her to draw up those plans for a proper barn.

* Edward stifles a laugh behind you, and you raise an eyebrow.

* “Emmett is dying to meet you upstairs.”

* You follow Edward up the stairs, finally meeting the family that spawned four books and a movie franchise.

* None of them look like they’re actor counterparts

* For one Emmett is black. And also really handsome, he’s got this Chadwick Boseman look alike thing going on and you’re down for it (RIP)

* Rosalie looks basically the way she was described in the books, all blonde hair and angel faced, but she’s the only one

* Alice is definitely Asian, she kinda looks like Lana Condor

* Jasper.... is ambiguously brown, but it still makes you let out a sigh of relief when you remember he was a Major in the CONFEDERATE army.

* More to the story than someone who was blatantly racist and supported slavery.

* They’re all beautiful, and they terrify you. You’re not exactly sure why, but something primal in you tells you to run away as fast as you can.

* But Edward lightly brushed the small of your back, pushing you forward. Right into the lions den.

* “Hello, I’m Rosalie”

* Looks like they picked her to be their spokesperson, all glittering smiles and flawless cheekbones. She extends her hand, and you lightly grasp it.

* “It’s nice to meet you.”

* It’s surreal to think how you know almost everything about this girl, while you two are virtually strangers

* Jasper introduces himself next, all smiles and quiet gentlemanly behavior.

* You’re not really sure what to expect with Alice, from what you know this girl has seen every future you could possibly have.

* Who knows what she saw

* But when she stands she hugs you

* “It’s good to see you!”

* “Alice, you haven’t introduced yourself”

* “Oh, right. I’m Alice”

* Emmett claps you on the back like you’re an old friend.

* “So, I heard you used to hang out with the sadist twins in the Volturi”

* You can practically feel the tension in the air, even Edward winces

* “They’re not so bad” really, what did anyone expect when they were in that environment

* Emmett grins

* “That’s bad ass”

* The rest of the night passes in a blur. The cullen’s game of monopoly includes some monstrous version where they put 8 different themed boards together and play in teams (You’re obviously on Edward and Alice’s team)

* They also have some sort of structure where they put four hotels together and called it a mega-hotel

* The whole thing blows up when Emmett accused Alice and Edward of using their powers to cheat

* “What do you want me to do, I can’t turn it off when I want Emmett, trust me I would especially when you and-“

* “Oh shut up Emmett, like we haven’t noticed Rosalie has an awful lot of $500 bills” Jasper interjects

* “It’s because you always pay me rent in small change!” She screams

* “Now-“ Carlisle tried to interject but Alice stands up

* “That’s a lie! I saw you steal from the bank several times when Esme wasn’t looking” Alice screams

* It goes on like this until Carlisle Declares the game over, and shoos everyone away.

* “Sorry, I would say it’s usually not like this, but I would be lying” Edward grins and you shrug

* “It was pretty fun and... entertaining in its own way” Edward beams at you, and once again, you definitely feel the dazzling effect Bella described in the movies

* “Should I... take you home now?” You can tell he doesn’t want to take you back yet, and if you’re being honest you don’t want to go back either

* The Cullen’s house has so much light, and you can see the stars so clearly here

* And if you’re being honest things seem to be way more entertaining here

* Edward takes you to a nook which houses a grand piano

* You’re fingers instinctively roam over the keys.

* “Do you play?”

* “Just a bit”

* You’re not the one who knew how to play, not really. But now this body is yours. You’ve thought about asking Carmen for a Piano, you’re sure they would love something that adds to the gothic feel of the mansion, but always cast it aside.

* You’re busy enough with your research.

* “Play me something” Edward grins.

* Alec had said the same thing to you when you were first taken by the Volturi, at the time your mind had raced wondering which piece would impress him the most. Which would aide in your survival.

* But looking at Edward now, you know that it’s not the same situation.

* He really does want you to play whatever your heart desires

* So you play “Love like you”, accompanied by your quiet voice reciting the lyrics

* At some point Edward sits beside you, playing in a deeper key, adding another layer of depth to your performance

* Wordlessly, afterwards he plays a piece of his own, Claire de Lune. Which you know is a remarkably hard piece.

* Still halfway you chime in, your super human fingers keeping up with him with ease

* And so it goes on like this, you play a modern song, waiting for him to catch up and he does the same with a classic

* Like a never ending game of cat and mouse

* It stops abruptly when Edward is in the middle of “moonlight sonata” when Alice clears her throat from behind you.

* “I hate to disturb,” there’s a teasing grin arched on her face. “But if you don’t drop them off, Carmen and Tanya are going to come over personally to retrieve them-“

* You see Edward wince, no doubt reviving Alice’s vision through his ability

* “And I don’t think anyone wants that.”

* You nod, moving to grab your backpack when you overhear Alice say-

* “You never let me play like that with you”

* Edward let’s out some sort of noise akin to a scoff

* “Where did you learn those songs?” He asks when you’re on the road

* Well you can’t tell him they’re from artists who aren’t known yet

* “Personal compositions” you murmur, and Edward grins his dazzling grin

* You talk about nothing but music until you pull into the familiar circle driveway of the manse

* Right when you’re about to thank him for a fun time, he gently stops you with a fleeting touch to your shoulder.

* “I’m graduating next month,” he hands you an envelope which you assume has his graduation card. “I was wondering if you would like to come to the ceremony.”

* You hold the card with both hands stunned, he’s already graduating high school?

* That means only 4 more years until he moves to Forks, and another two until he meets Bella

* And you realize that while time is frozen for both of you until the end of the universe, you’re the only one who isn’t moving forward

* “Yeah, I’d love that!”

* You try your best to smile, but your sure it comes off looking strange

* You don’t talk to anyone, heading straight for your bedroom

* What’s next for you?

#twilight #twilight reader insert #twilight headcanon #twilight imagine #edward cullen x reader #edward cullen #Rosalie hale #Jasper hale #alice cullen #carlisle cullen #twilight saga #twilight imagines #superhero—imagines

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la-appel-du-vide · 3 years

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12•25•21 - CHRISTMAS

Christmas comes faster and faster every year, and I am already feeling the post-Christmas blues. I HATE waking up the morning after Christmas and remembering that it's all over. Hurts my heart. But it's only because Christmas is the happiest day of the year. I'll miss the lights, the excitement, the feeling in the air...

We got up at 8:45, and started with presents! Mom drugged the dogs on both Christmas Eve and Christmas this year so they'd be a little calmer with everyone around (so rude haha). But it worked pretty well. They were still happy enough to open their presents, my favorite thing to watch, and enjoy, but they didn't fight or jump or anything like that.

We do presents one at a time, and try to enjoy the moment. I gave Whit a Loungefly Eeyore backpack and Halloween Mickey ears, since we always talk about how cute the backpacks are and she's never had one, plus she couldn't get new Halloween ears this year since Disneyland wasn't selling any for some reason. She's excited about it, and it was a total surprise. I gave Aubrey a Skims cropped sweater and matching sandals, which she asked for, but still loves. Dad got a golf bag that Isaac helped me pick out, which I think he's excited for. I gave mom a full interior car detail. The boys got duck toys, which they ripped the heads off of rather quickly, so now they have two headless ducks. Isaac and Allyssa didn't come over until later in the day, but I gave Isaac a massage gun and a golf hat he asked for. He seemed pretty excited about the massage gun.

Mom and dad helped me pay for my wedding dress as my Christmas gift this year, but I still got a couple of gift cards in my stocking. Aubrey and Whitnie gave me lululemon leggings, a planner, and some giant scrunchies haha. Grandma gave us each a calendar - mine is Queen Bee themed.

We got six new games this year - Listography, Sequoia, Wavelength, Sequence, Deer in the Headlights, and I Should Have Known That. We spent all day learning and playing them. Brayden and Derek came over later to play as well. I think my favorites of the year are Wavelength and Sequence. In Wavelength, you get a spectrum - like hot to cold. And then you give your team a clue to get them to guess the right area of the spectrum. (So like, if my line fell really close to the cold side, I'd say something like "snow" to get them to lean that way. Or if it was in the middle, I might say "home"). At one point, when it was Allyssa's turn, her spectrum was smells bad to smells good. Her clue was "blanched tomatoes." We all died laughing. What a random, specific clue that no one knew how to interpret.

I love, love, love our Christmas breakfast - German pancakes, Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches, sausage, eggs. hot chocolate... it's the best. I love Mom for putting it all together for us.

Around 5, Isaac and Allyssa left to go to her parent's house, Derek and Aubrey left for his house, and Whit had to work. That kind of stuff never happens! Usually it's all of us sitting around the kitchen table all night. I hate that everyone is big now. But B and I stayed and played, and ate cheese and crackers, for a few more hours.

Then that night, we did our own presents, and he did presents with Beach also. He gave me a cute little yellow lounge sweat short set, emerald green pajamas (my favorite Christmas pajamas), a poetry book about dogs, a game we looked at getting in France called Dinner in Paris, and some thigh-high black boots! I gave him a black denim jacket, a flannel shirt to wear with it, a Vinyl record of Mama's Boy by LANY, and an I Owe You for a new professional record player. He'd put it on his list. and when I went to order it in November, it said it was back-ordered. I called the company to ask if it would be here in time for Christmas if I ordered it, and the lady I talked to said it would be in the next week, and would definitely make it in time - so I ordered it. What lies. It's the 27th now, and it STILL hasn't arrived in stock. I'm mad. I could have gotten him something else from his list so he could enjoy opening it on Christmas, but here we are. Just waiting. RUDE.

It was a perfect Christmas Day.

I spent the day after Christmas cleaning to avoid the sadness of it all being over - plus cleaning and organizing always feels good. And then Mom made a delicious, basically Thanksgiving dinner, for our Sunday Christmas dinner. It was so good. Dad smoked his first turkey on the Traeger and it turned out awesome. Then we played the rest of the games Whit didn't get to try on Christmas since she had to go to work.

We really did have ourselves a Merry little Christmas.

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yesimgoingtopeacecorps · 6 years

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The Guinean Peace Corps Guide to Packing

This list obviously isn’t perfect, but I’m sure if you’ve stumbled onto this blog post you’re looking for a good Peace Corps packing list, especially if you’ve just been accepted to Guinea and you’re getting ready to leave. I’m currently in my 6th month of living in Guinea and I’ve received a few things from home along the way.

Just as a reminder, you’re technically only allowed two large suitcases, at 50lbs each for the trip. However, I knew some people who paid extra for another bag, and, looking back, I should have just done that. It would have saved me and a lot of people at home money on the expensive overseas shipping to Conakry.

Things I packed:

Clothes

a note about clothes, try to get things that are quick dry or make for an active lifestyle. You will be washing your clothes by hand and you’ll want things that are very easy to clean, don’t show dirt, and don’t hold smells. I suggest Lululemon, Athleta, Patagonia, and those kind of brands. You can find cheaper and discounted clothes online at backcountry.com and Sierra Trading Post (also a great place to find any of the camping or hiking gear listed on here). You can also check out TJMaxx and Marshalls. Also, you’re going to get clothes made here and people are always leaving stuff “up for grabs” at the regional houses, so don’t pack too much clothes wise.

For girls, I will say, error on the side of caution when it comes to shorts, skirts, and tops. You can always cut things or have them tailored but where I live is pretty conservative and as much as I hate it, I wouldn’t be caught dead walking out of my house in a thin strap tank top.

3 pairs of pants that youcould wear in an office setting but also wear hiking (try Athleta for these)

1 pair of hiking or durable pants that you don’t mine messing up- I use mine to garden

1 pair of black leggings

2 pairs of running/workout leggings

3 pairs of shorts (try to make them longer/knee length)

2 pairs of compression shorts/spandex

1 pair of jeans

5 or 6 nice shirts (at least one long sleeved one, I promise there are places that it does get cold here)

2 or 3 tank tops

5 casual t-shirts/workout shirts

2 skirts (well past the knee and flowly)

3 day dresses

1 or 2 nice dresses (but not heavy or thick, the place where you train for three months is very hot)

10 pairs of underwear (check out ExOfficio for great travel underwear)

6 sports bras

2 or 3 regular bras

2 or 3 pairs of hiking/thick socks

7 pairs of regular running socks

1 pair of Chacos or tevas (I live in these shoes)

1 pair of running shoes

Hiking boots or closed toed shoes with a very good grip (the only real tourist thing to do in Guinea is hiking and you will definitely use them. I also use mine when gardening)

1 or 2 bathing suits (these are hard to find in Guinea)

1 good durable raincoat

1 lightweight jacket

1 sweatshirt

1 sweater/cardigan

Other wearables:

A good hat

Cheap sunglasses (you can buy more here and I’ve already broken three pairs)

Two scarves

HAIR TIES

Non-valuable jewelry if you like that sort of thing

A good backpack

A small foldable bag for market days

A purse

A small cross-body purse

Electronics:

INSURANCE INSURANCE INSURANCE (Clements Worldwide is the one I use. It was $150 for a year but it saved my life when I got robbed during training and was reimbursed almost $2,000 for the stuff stolen

My Macbook

A kindle or tablet- I use mine every day

An iPod (I also brought my old iPod touch in the case that I got robbed… it was definitely a smart move)

A smartphone (MAKE SURE YOU CAN REMOVE THE SIM CARD AND PUT IN A DIFFERENT CARRIERS SIM… I had a lot of friends have issues with that because they were tied to Sprint or another carrier that had the phone locked)

A lifeproof or otterbox case for the phone

A rechargeable external battery

A solar battery charger for phones (I recommend DragonX brand)

2 Luci Lights (look it up, it’s a solar light)

2 headlamps

4 power adapters/converters

A surge protector- trust me, my iPhone died my first month because there was a power surge and it fried my phone

Multiple charging cables for anything USB related

Three pairs of good earbud headphones

An external hardrive (2TB) (mine has hundreds of movies, tv shows, and workout episodes on it. I highly recommend this)

A digital watch

Home and Kitchen

Scrubba Wash Bag (look it up, in my opinion it makes doing laundry here a lot easier)

Duct Tape (if you forget everything else, remember to bring duct tape)

Electrical tape

Can opener- trust me on this one

Garlic press

A few good kitchen knives

Thin, plastic cutting boards

Three quick dry towels

Compressable pillow (I recommend ThermaRest brand)

An all purpose tool

Toiletries

Shampoo and conditioner (Seriously, you will want this. I ran out of both during training and there was no place to buy either of them where we were. You can also try LUSH bars, solid shampoo and conditioners, expensive but worth it.)

Dr. Bronner’s All Purpose Soap

Toothbrusth and toothpaste

Facial toner and cleaner

Face wash

Hairbrush

Lotion

Sunscreen (you are given some but I’ve found it clogs the pores in my face)

Basic makeup: eyeliner, mascara, lipstick, coverup, blush, and a small thing of eyeshadow.

Tweezers

Your favorite nailpolish

Headbands

Deodorant

Razors

Nail clippers

File

Alcohol wipes or a small bottle of alcohol or hydrogen peroxide.. Peace Corps doesn’t issue this and this has definitely saved me from infections a few times

Medical tape

For girls, Diva Cups (they will save you from using the crappy tampons medical gives us and keep you from having to buy pads, which are expensive)

Baby powder

Hairbrush

Mini bottles of travel hand sanitizer

Mouthwash

A few toothbrushes and a toothbrush top

Other Gear

A really good pocket knife

A few pens

Colored markers or crayons

A mini stapler

Rubberbands

A portable mini safe (I use mine here and just wrap it around the table leg. I keep all my extra money, my passports, and my credit cards in there.)

A mini sewing kit

At least two Nalgene water bottles

Liquid chalk markers (are cool for writing things on your walls and for using in the classroom)

Hair cutting scissors (multiple uses and of course, for cutting your hair)

Tape measurer

Wooden clothespins

Things I wish I brought:

My Birkenstocks or my Rainbow flipflops

A nice travel yoga mat

A nicer pair of dressy sandals

More packets of dried food (knorr pasta sides, etc.)

Cliff bars, energy bars, etc.

Tuna packets (you can find sardines here but tuna is almost 3 dollars a can)

Workout gear

More photos of my family and friends

A small projector (I got one brought over for me and cost me 85USD. It’s perfect for movie nights and doing presentations)

Lots of charging cables

A small and light extension cord

Small fan (you can also get decent ones here when you get ready to move to site, but not having one during training was brutal)

Essential oils (can be used to do all sorts of things, especially when it comes to repelling bugs)

A good set of twin sized bed sheets. (SHEETS ARE EXPENSIVE and the sheets here not always that comfortable. Dig up your bedsheets from freshman year of college and bring them along)

Here’s a list of things you can totally live without, but are nice to have:

For the Cook in You:

Rennet tablets (for cheese making- a project I’m still learning how to prefect)

A scoby to use to start making your own kombucha

Lots and lots of spices (you can buy them here but they’re expensive)

Measuring cups and measuring spoons

A small KitchenAid type handmixer and blender

A mini mortar and pestle

Beeswax

Cheesecloth

Small bottle of Truffle oil

Peanut butter

Lots of water flavoring or Gatorade packets

Oatmeal packets, dried food packets

Dried cheese powder (cheese isn’t a thing here and you’ll miss it more than you realize)

Bottle opener and wine opener

Any snacks you can think of that you can eat without preparation (training is rough when it comes to food verity, I legit ate a can of green peas once because all I wanted was something besides rice and sauce)

For the Workout Fanatic:

Soccer ball (I had a deflated one sent to me, just add it to a care package list you won’t want to take this with you)

Soccer cleats

Soccer socks

Resistance bands

Yoga mat

Arm band for iPod or phone for music

For the Gardener:

A good pair of gardening gloves

Packets of all kinds of seeds

A small hand shovel and small hand rake

For the Hiker and Camper:

A hammock with a mosquito net or a small tent

Carabineer clips

An ultralight sleeping pad

Compressable pillow (I recommend ThermaRest brand)

Moleskin for blisters

A dry bag to store your stuff when it rains

A steripen for water

For the Future Pet Owner:

*I got a kitten in Guinea and it was the first thing I did when I got to site. If you’re preparing to get yourself a furry friend, here’s a number of things you’ll want because buying anything pet related in country is super expensive

Cat or dog collar

Flea collar or medication

Small toys for them

Deworming medication

Things you can leave at home or could buy in Guinea:

High-heels. Trust me on this. You will never wear them (except maybe at Swear-In, but if you want there are places to find cheap heels here.) Save the space in your bag.

Most kitchen utensils (but I would suggest bringing at least one fork and one spoon)

A lot of books- theres lots of them here at the regional houses and if you bring a kindle or tablet, you can buy more or trade kindle books with other volunteers

A portable camping shower (you’ll get use to bucket baths and trying to set it up was much more effort than it was worth.)

A hair straightener and mini blow dryer. (You won’t use them)

That’s all I’ve got for you! I hope this list helps and if anyone has any questions, feel free to contact me or shoot me a message!

Sarah

#peacecorps #packinglist #lifeofapcv #howiseepc #theroadnevertraveled

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belovedalittlemore · 4 years

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DRIVE (2011) DIR. NICOLAS WINDING REFN

may 26, 2020 | review

i feel like we watch a lot of simpler, more fluffy movies that are much more based on emotion and drama rather than action and gore. however, i am such a HOE for a good crime thriller; i love a good heist, a detective or two, perhaps even a quip here and there. i am also a HOE for any (neo-)noir films: ever since watching rita hayworth in gilda (1940), they’re my new fave. (ok gilda’s lowkey not a noir and i find rita really hot but i like noirs anyway, okay?)

the negatives

every fashion choice in this movie is a fucking travesty to society. i get that the scorpion is chosen for that whole “scorpion and the frog” shit, but genuinely, why was everyone dressed like that. we got driver with the jacket, blanche with the heels and the lululemon combo, just so baffling. also, every pair of sunglasses worn in this movie, jesus, i wanted to rip them off the cast’s heads.

also, the gore. i hate blood, it makes me feel icky, i get scared and creeped out, i don’t like it. i get that a lot of it is for the noir, crime thriller effect but i hate gore i cannot HANDLE that shit.

the volume: okay this is me being nitpicky and maybe this was a stylistic choice but every conversation was like 10 decibels lower than the action. i’d turn my volume up hella high so i could hear the conversation but then a car would start driving and my ears would experience physical assault.

finally (this is me being super nitpicky), i could not take josh brolin’s and anthony bourdain’s love child seriously in this movie. oh god he spoke and i’d be giggling. same with those car noises.

the positives

driver: he’s so soft-spoken and all he really cares about is irene and benicio and making sure they’re okay, even if they’re not with him and his little SMILE is so soft and god i adore him.

driver + irene: when she PUTS HIS HAND ON HIS OHMYGOD he can’t even move he’s so nervous and happy and ugh YES and when they’re flirting in the hallway “i wish you would” the TENSION

god they’re so cute and wholesome

“i could come with you guys; i could look after you” like OHMYGOD my heart burst. watching driver interact with irene is like watching a nervous teenager who knows the girl is so out of his league but he loves her anyway and he doesn’t know how much she loves him too; that spiderman:mj energy in far from home (2019).

also, knowing that driver is at his happiest with irene and that’s why every time he interacts with her, the same song plays everytime oh god that’s fucking CUTE

the kiss: OHMYGOD THE KISS JESUS CHRIST IT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIE KISSES EVER OH GOD

okay i rewatched it on youtube to make sure i’d get all of the vibes and note things i hadn’t seen before

(maybe this is all my interpretation + completely incorrect but here we go)

driver realizes that this is his last chance to see irene and make a good impression, because he knows that he’ll have to kill the guy with the gun and irene’s going to have to see it. this is his “good side” saying goodbye to irene. and so, he pulls her from the middle to his side, and he goes in and reaches to CURVE HIS HAND AROUND HER WAIST and kisses her so gently. he doesn’t even move forward with his legs, the chest is doing the leaning for him, and irene’s just standing there like “hehe yes smoochy smoochy me likey” and at one point he turns his body to shield her from the other guy. and then he stops and looks at her for so long and he’s trying to communicate everything he’s ever wanted to tell her in that moment. and he stares at her lips and i just imagine him to be thinking about how soft her lips were and how he just wants to kiss her again but he knows he can’t and this is how it ends.

that’s the story, but ohmygod i LOVED THE KISS. also, as he pulls her over to him and turns around, the lights fall around them, only highlighting them, and the elevator buzz fades and it’s completely silent except for “wrong floor” playing like a movie-esque dreamy kiss and that is so FUCKING CUTE. it’s like, for that one moment, driver got to escape his terrible world and live in this lovely dream with irene. and of course, as the kiss ends, the lights in the elevator slowly come back and the noise returns, but ugh, it was just done so well.

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dadvans · 8 years

Note

pls tell me more about mpreg victuuri... yuuri's "so much eros it could make me pregnant" line has awoken something in me

(GUESS WHO SPENT PART OF THEIR FIVE HOUR SALES MEETING THINKING ABOUT AND WRITING THIS????)

Yuuri hates his pregnant body. He’s due in the death throes of August, and it’s only mid-June now. The Kyushu heat makes him feel like he’s boiling alive, make his feet swell and ache more than they ever did when he was throwing himself all over the ice seven days a week. The baby feels so big now too, taking up all the space meant for things like Yuuri’s vital organs. According to Victor, the baby is the size of a cantaloupe this week, and Yuuri believes him. When they were setting up the crib yesterday, Yuuri sneezed three times in a row and proceeded to piss himself. (Victor had laughed, but not unkindly, and got him a change of sweats and told him to go lay down on the couch and let Victor do “the rest of the work, you’re already doing so much,” with a kiss to his temple, which was not enough to distract Yuuri from how fucking embarrassing it was.) Victor spends a stupid amount of money buying him designer maternity clothes with soft, organic fabrics that are supposed to be super breathable and moisture wicking, and Yuuri still manages to sweat through them while laying in front of the tower fan in their living room cursing Japan’s cruel indifference to home air conditioning.

“Sweetheart,” Victor says, kneeling next to him by the couch. Their hardwood floors are littered with cushions now, partially because Yuuri’s grown big enough it’s impossible for them to lay comfortably together, and Victor likes to be as close to him as possible, resting his head on Yuuri’s stomach and talking to the baby. “Can I do anything to help? Get you ice? We can take the convertible out, roll the top down, see if the summer breeze helps.”

It’s a sweet thought, but Victor is literally the worst driver that Yuuri has ever been subjected to, and he’s already pissed himself in front of Victor once this week. “Ice maybe,” he says, and Victor squeezes his hand and gets up to go to the kitchen.

He comes back with a cup of crushed ice and the look on his face is--complicated. Considering.

“You should take your shirt off,” he says, kneeling back down on the pillows again. He snaps the fabric where it’s taut and soaked through against Yuuri’s skin and Yuuri sneers at him.

The other thing he hates about being pregnant is the undeniable weight gain, and how fat settles all over his body too easily. He was never going to be a lululemon mom with a cute belly and stick legs, and instead he just feels huge, like water that’s lost surface tension and is oozing over the side of something. He hates being naked in front of Victor in any capacity, hates how the expanse of his skin feels hot all over when Victor has to see him like this. His chest has started to droop too, and it feels like something he’s spent his entire life fighting against being thwarted by his traitor biology, and he hates it, he hates it so much. “Can you just get me a new shirt?”

“Yuuri,” Victor whines, and he noses at the hem of Yuuri’s shirt like a dog. “Please? I want to see my husband. I want to see my baby.”

Yuuri bites the inside of his cheek trying not to grimace. He doesn’t know why Victor tortures himself by wasting any more than a glance on him except out of morbid curiosity. “Fine,” he says eventually, but he makes no move to peel the sweat-soaked fabric off, even if it is uncomfortable. Victor finally rolls his eyes and does it for him, chasing up his stomach and chest with a trail of kisses while pulling it off over Yuuri’s head.

“Are you happy?” Yuuri asks, a little meaner than he intends.

Victor doesn’t care. “Very,” he says, eyelashes heavy with something Yuuri almost mistakes for lust. “You never let me see you anymore.”

“You shouldn’t have to--” Yuuri tries, and Victor presses a single finger against his lips to shut him up.

“Yuuri,” he says again, and he almost sounds like he does when he coaches, stern in a way that still comes as a surprise sometimes. “How many times do I have to tell you? I want to.”

“Oh,” Yuuri says, disbelieving. He looks away, past Victor’s shoulder and out the window where the sun is fading purple over the sea.

“I want to,” Victor says again. He slides his hands up the curves of Yuuri’s sides, up to his chest, thumbs over his nipples. He pinches Yuuri teasingly and then makes a curious expression, putting his thumb up to his mouth.

“What?” Yuuri says.

“Did your milk come in?” Victor asks.

“No, not until the baby comes, that’s just uh,” he says, wanting to grab a pillow off the floor to cover his face in shame. It’s just a nother thing he hates about his pregnant body, the mess of it. “I’ve just been uh, leaking a lot lately.”

“Oh,” Victor says, choking around the vowel. Yuuri thinks he must be disgusted, except then Victor reaches back down to knead at Yuuri’s chest again, fingers brushing over his nipples with slow, firm intent. “Does it hurt?”

Yuuri gasps, because it doesn’t, it feels fucking amazing. He’s always been sensitive there, and Victor had spent roughly days in the past sucking hickeys into this chest and teasing his nipples until whatever has been tightly wound inside Yuuri unspools completely. “No it,” he says, and Victor smiles at him looking smug, looking wicked, “it feels good.”

It feels amazing. It feels like the best brand of filthy Yuuri’s ever known, and his knees would give out if he were standing.

“May I?” Victor asks, and Yuuri can barely see the blue of his eyes with his pupils so wide, and there’s no way he can lie to himself that Victor doesn’t want this. He rests his chin delicately on Yuuri’s chest, breath hot against where Yuuri’s leaking, and it makes heat rush to his dick, makes him absolutely throb. Victor’s voice is so low, like a predator asking for permission from its prey to devour it when he says, “please?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri says. He never stood a chance.

Victor moans the second he gets his mouth on Yuuri, sucking earnestly, teeth scraping just enough at where he’s most sensitive to punch a gasp out of him. Even in the wet summer evening heat, the slipper warmth of Victor’s mouth is devastating, and Yuuri finds himself gripping at the back of his neck to keep him right where he is.

“You never let me taste you anymore,” Victor whines softly, lapping at his fat, swollen buds. “I love the way you taste.”

Yuuri’s always felt selfish with Victor’s mouth on him like this, getting lost so easily in the way Victor seems to know exactly how to tease out his arousal, and he craves Victor’s reassurance the same way he craves the little whimpers Victor makes, nursing at him greedily. He can’t help but think about months from now after the baby comes when his chest will be even more firm and full, and what it would look like to have Victor in the same position, milk spilling out the corners of his mouth, and it’s too much, it’s too good.

“Touch me, Vitya,” he begs weakly. He hardly lets Victor touch him these days unless it’s in the dark, because he sees himself in his mind’s eye and it makes him feel sick, thinking of Victor seeing him like this. But now his body burns for it, his dick tenting eager and mean in his sweats. “I need you to touch me.”

Victor groans, and he presses a kiss to the soft above his nipple. “Of course, God. I’ve been waiting.”

He reaches down to tug at the waist of Yuuri’s pants rough and blind while he continues to suckle and tease him with his mouth, and Yuuri whimpers, no longer feelings suffocated, cock bouncing up to rest against the swell of his stomach. Victor’s hands immediately wrap around it and squeeze, the tip of his thumb finding Yuuri’s slit with laser precision. Yuuri cries. He’s always been easy with Victor, has never needed much, but right now he feels like a teenager with how easily Victor could get him off.

“Missed this,” Victor says, mouthing hot, open mouthed kisses against his chest, his whole face slick and shiny. “I missed this so much.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri agrees, feeling so, so stupid and wonderful all at once. “Yeah, me too, God.”

Victor jerks him off rough and quick, and it doesn’t take long for Yuuri to come strips up his own stomach, which Victor happily traces with his fingers and sucks on greedily.

“Can I?” he asks, as Yuuri breathes heavy with the orgasm pulsing out of him, toes curled into the upholstery of the couch.

“Fuck me? Yuuri asks, and he misses that too, misses at least being able to see Victor when they’re fucking, the way he looks so free when he’s buried deep inside Yuuri.

“I mean, eventually,” Victor says, and he adjusts himself a little so Yuuri can see how hard he is, and admits, “I could--honestly, I could get off just doing this. Can I--”

“Uh huh,” Yuuri says, because Victor could do anything he wanted right now and Yuuri would let him. Victor smiles, and pulls himself out of his pants, letting them pool around his thighs. He’s got a hand on Yuuri’s stomach and his other gripping himself as he returns to nursing at Yuuri, and it only takes a few more seconds. He finishes with an ah, ah, ah, panting with his eyes shut, forehead pressed between his collarbone.

“That was,” he says wildly, chest heaving, “you are.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri agrees, because he knows exactly what Victor means. “We are.”

#yuri on ice #victuuri #male lactation #mpreg #thank u for this #Anonymous

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elizabethbgrimes · 6 years

Text

“That Girl” (Becoming the Girl You Always Want to Be)

Day 1-Blog-“That Girl”

Have you ever wanted to be “that girl?”—That girl who has it all “together?”

Or perhaps, have you ever feel like your body is working against you?

You think: “If only I _____” then I’d be happy?

If only I weighed 10 pounds less or more

If only I didn’t have love handles or cellulite

If only I was fitter, stronger, faster, or better

If only I didn’t feel so bloated or constipated all the time

IF ONLY I WAS “THAT GIRL,” THEN EVERYTHING WOULD BE PERFECT!

We all have that nagging thing—I call it our “Achille’s heel” or “dangling carrot.” That thing that holds us back or keeps us striving forward, telling ourselves, “If” or “When” we are “THAT girl” ALL will be well.

I get it…big time.

My Back Story: Wanting to Be “That Girl”

For MOST of my life, I’ve wanted to be “THAT GIRL.”

You know: A mix between Blake Lively, meets Mary Kate & Ashley Olson, meets Carey Underwood, meets “Tone it Up,” meets CrossFit badass, meets ____ —any other beautiful girl that comes to mind.

In fact, for the latter first half of my life, I struggled with a severe eating disorder that left me constantly in pursuit of the ideal: Wanting to be “that girl.” (Check it out here)

It Begins: 9 Years Old

Wanting to be “that girl” all started around the time I was 9-years-old. What began as an “innocent diet,” however, quickly snowballed into a full blown eating disorder, in pursuit of becoming “that girl.”

Although I found recovery (over 15 years later), in the aftermath, I found myself struggling with ANOTHER health battle I NEVER saw coming—and that ironically, STILL, left me striving to be “that girl.”

I call it “Post Recovery Recovery”—what happens to your body AFTER spending MANY YEARS dieting and abusing it.

Post Recovery Recovery

In short: for the past 5-6 years, I’ve still found myself wrestling with my body at times.

Hating on it or telling it, “You’re too thin,” “You’re not pretty enough,” “You’re not healthy enough”…

To say the least, over the past 5-6 years, as my body has continued to heal from more than 20 years of damage (from both my eating disorder and my childhood processed foods diet), I’ve also dealt with my fair share of side effects from those years including:

Metabolic Dysfunction & Insulin Resistance

Autoimmune Diseases

Amenorrhea

Hormone Imbalances (“adrenal fatigue”)

IBS, SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth), Dysbiosis (gut bacteria imbalances)

Thyroid Problems

Rude and hurtful comments and whispers from others who cut me down because of what I look like

—All of which have left me feeling frustrated with my body and, more than anything, wanting to be “That Girl.”

My Wakeup Call

While it’s not bad to want to look good and feel good, these frustrations with my body continued until the past 6 months when I had a BIG wakeup call that I actually am THAT GIRL, and she’s been inside me all along.

What do I mean?

If you’ve every wanted to be “That Girl,” read on to find out. This one is for you…

That Girl

How “That Girl” Looks

She’s got a defined waist, toned legs, flat abs. Perfect hair, not one out of place, even after the wind blows.

She looks good in jeans and a t-shirt, Lululemon yoga pants or a little black dress—no matter what she’s wearing, she’s always dressed to kill.

At the lake, or at the beach, she can rock any swimsuit she so chooses—be it a frumpy one-piece that she turns into a ‘classy’ Jackie-O style, a sportswear Speedo—donning her femininely buff arms and legs, or a string bikini—who no one else on this planet could wear but her.

She can even make a brown paper sack look good.

How “That Girl” Moves

That Girl moves ever so gracefully in high heel pumps—as if they were Nike tenni-shoes, and any time she enters a room, heads always turns to see that woman who just walked through the door.

She’s fabulous, confident, and completely 100% at peace in her own skin—never a flinch of distaste for herself, but not conceited either.

She just is—she does her thing, nothing seemingly standing in her way.

She’s into CrossFit, Barre, yoga, spin or running—something she totally loves and moves, not out of hate for her body, but out of love—doing things that enliven her and give her energy. And when she’s working, she doesn’t sweat. She glows.

How “That Girl” Eats

She’s totally paleo, or into green juice, or vegan—something that makes her feel connected with nourishing her body and sustainability. She probably doesn’t feel pulled or tugged to or sneak a date with Ben & Jerry’s on her couch late at night.

How “That Girl” Hangs

That Girl has a long line of suitors who would kill to date her, or raise her children. She always has. And she doesn’t settle for anyone or neeeeed a man to define her. Whoever is by her side is special—someone that is able to hang with That Girl and doing big things in this world too—captain of the football team, president of his fraternity, hot musician, soccer stud, CrossFit badass, an investor, a Harvard-educated lawyer, a retired pro baseball player, an entrepreneur—of, now, multi-million dollar companies.

She also has a select handful of really amazing friends—Girls who are doing things in their lives. Growing non-profits, changing lives, starting something great. She moves and grooves with other movers and shakers.

That Girl’s Instagram has thousands upon thousands of likes, whether she posts a picture of her Acai Bowl at her favorite café, the scenery of her awesome vacay to the West Coast, kicking butt in spin class, rocking her bikini laughing with her friends on a Labor Day boat ride, or side-by-side with her fam on a visit home—people love to see what she’s up to.

How “That Girl” Does It All

That Girl has a lot on her plate—just like we all do—and then some, but for some reason, she seems to pull it off without flinching.

“I don’t know how she does it” other says.

She’s a med student, a pediatrician, a finance and accounting double major. She’s going to be the next Erin Andrews on ESPN, or talk show personality on the Today Show. She’s an accomplished blogger, jewelry designer, fashion merchandiser. She has her own business—or is looking into starting her own. She’s an active member of her sorority, or the Junior League; cheer squad or inspiring personal trainer; three kids or super nanny; Honors Society or booming medical or law practice in town; chair of the Booster Club, PTA or chair of the community service organization; a leader in student government or a social do-good non-profit movement.

That Girl doesn’t waste time. You won’t find her spending hours upon hours, sitting on a couch, watching re-runs of the Gilmore Girls, or staying up on her computer until the wee hours of the night Facebook stalking, or look up at the end of the day and think, “What did I do today?”

She’s engaged in living her life—not watching it pass her by.

That Girl totally, fully, completely has it ALL together, and we all, at one time or another, have wanted to be That Girl.

And try as we might…That Girl is always there, in the back of our minds.

How “That Girl” Has ALWAYS Been There (in the Back of Our Minds)

In middle school and high-school That Girl’s accomplishments and accolades looked different—but she still had it all together. And that’s what we wanted too. Come college and her 20-somethings, then on to 30’s and kid rearing, and even in her post-menopausal and golden years, That Girl is the Girl we always want to be—but never can seemingly live up to.

And we can’t help but think: How does she have it all—and have it all together—and I never do? Or, I am not good enough plays on repeat in the back of our minds.

In our efforts to be That Girl we’ve hired personal trainers and committed to 30 day bikini BODY tone ups.

We’ve gone on juice cleanses, tried the paleo diet, sworn off meat, downloaded My Fitness Pal to carefully calculate every calorie we consumed. We’ve restricted, then binged, then purged through exercise, fasting or with our head in a toilet.

We look in the mirror every time we pass by—to check to see if we look any better than the last time we looked. We’ve gone blonde, brunette, ombre—something in between.

We’ve plastered on fake lashes, laid in contraptions with harsh lights to get tan or been sprayed down while standing completely naked in a foreign shower to look more bronzed.

We’ve dragged our butts out of bed to go to the gym and slaved away not at just one cardio kickboxing class, but stayed around for Pump or Core right after to get our double dose of body chiseling.

We’ve run another mile in the name of justifying that muffin we ate for breakfast or that sushi roll we are thinking of eating for lunch. We’ve Google searched until late into the night—looking for the answers to our bloating, stubborn weight gain, metabolism or fast ways to get lean.

All to be That Girl.

How “That Girl” is Not Reality

It’s easy to believe that everyone else is much better than you.

Comparison is the thief of all joy and like a dangling carrot in front of our noses, That Girl is something we’ve constantly chased, but never seemed to catch.

The reality?

You are not alone. Everyone else, just like you, has wanted to be That Girl (and it’s not just something that goes away after middle school).

The reality?

“That Girl” doesn’t really exist—At least she doesn’t exist the way you think she does.

Because That Girl also has a “That Girl” that she wants to be too.

And That Girl really only exists when she first believes that she can actually be That Girl herself—That Girl who glows, has confidence, knows her worth and isn’t worried about being like the next person. That Girl who is present and fully committed to living her own life—not someone else’s. That Girl who realizes all she has (and wants) to be is the best version of herself.

How You Can Be “That Girl”

YOU can be That Girl when you stop striving and comparing.

When you make up your mind to STOP hating so much on yourself…or loathing your weight…or your style (or lack thereof)…or your frumpy hair.

When you stop fingerpointing all of your flaws, and instead, decide to genuinely, truly love yourself as you are—flaws, blemishes, quirks and all.

Just do you and when becoming “THAT GIRL” is made possible.

The post “That Girl” (Becoming the Girl You Always Want to Be) appeared first on Meet Dr. Lauryn.

Source/Repost=> https://drlauryn.com/mindset-body-love/that-girl-becoming-the-girl-you-always-want-to-be/ ** Dr. Lauryn Lax __Nutrition. Therapy. Functional Medicine ** https://drlauryn.com/ “That Girl” (Becoming the Girl You Always Want to Be) via https://drlaurynlax.blogspot.com/

#Elizabeth B. Grimes #ElizabethGrimes #Holistic #Nutrition #Therapy #Recovery #Functional #Medicine

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clarencebfaber · 6 years

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That Girl (Becoming the Girl You Always Want to Be)