#I hate how Kyo turned out! why did they do him so dirty like that!? 😭💔

[wanderingfaee]

I'm bored and have no motivation to write atm, so I made my main self-ships out of this adorable pic crew! 🥺💕

[1plus1kiyoomi]

Chapter 16: 6PM Walks

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[masterlist] [kia’s slambook]

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“What did you call me a while ago?” Kiyoomi asks Kia, not listening to what you’re saying.

“Kiyoomi, this isn’t our issue right now.”

“No, it is. She has to call me that again.”

“She won’t.”

“She will. She did it a while ago.”

“Kia’s probably playing with you,” you mumble to yourself, but you leave the two of them to continue making breakfast before the whole fiasco. You figure that Sakusa is too excited being called papa that he won’t listen to anything you will say at the moment.

“Kia say it again. What you called me a while ago,” Kiyoomi asks Kia. They are on the couch in the living room, Kia’s eyes stuck on the television screen. She ignores Kiyoomi. He takes the remote and turns the TV off. The little girl looks at him in disapproval. “Say it again and I will turn the TV on.”

“What?” Kia asks, obviously not hearing Kiyoomi’s pleads a while back.

“What did you call me a while ago?” Kiyoomi pushes, his eyes piercing through hers, begging.

“Kyo,” Kia deadpans.

Kiyoomi pouts, turning the TV back on. He leaves Kia on the couch, then goes to you at kitchen. You don’t notice him so he just leans his back on the counter, admiring you from behind. You looked so cute with his shirt and boxers on, the apron you’re wearing is the cherry on top. He’s trying his best not to jump on you especially that Kia is just there.

You, on the other hand, are slicing the apples, Saki in your mind. “That fucking bitch,” you mutter, slicing rougher than needed. “She better not show up here again.”

“Have mercy on the apples,” Kiyoomi chuckles. He wraps his arms around your waist, his chin on top of your head. You continue to slice, Kiyoomi carefully watching your hands. “Where’s the ring I gave you?”

“It’s in my bag. I took it off when we were in Universals since it was slipping off my finger. I was scared I’d lose it,” you reply. His hug feels comforting so you slow down in slicing. “Have you given up on Kia calling you papa?”

“No,” he huffs, his chin now on your shoulder. You giggle at his determination. “You’re probably shocked about what happened.”

“Didn’t know your fuck buddy was psycho,” you respond. He starts leaving small kisses on your exposed neck, so you put the knife down and turn to him. “Kiyoomi, why are you so touchy today?”

“What do you mean? I was also touchy yesterday,” he corrects you. His hands intertwine with yours as he brings it close to his. He gives all your fingers soft kisses, completely calming you down. “You seem so stressed. You should get a massage or something.”

“That sounds nice.” You smile at the thought of simply relaxing. Ever since you had given birth to Kia, time for yourself was impossible.

“Then take a day off from being a mom today,” Kiyoomi mumbles, planting a kiss on your forehead. You look up to him in confusion. “I’ll drop you off at the mall. I actually booked you an appointment at a salon and spa a week ago.” You stare at him in suspicion but he seems solely genuine about wanting you to relax.

“What about Kia?” You ask hesitantly.

“I’ll take good care of her,” he responds. “Get changed. I’ll continue making breakfast.”

After eating breakfast with Kiyoomi and Kia, they send you off to the mall. You are so excited to relax. “Me time” is rare as a mother. You shall cherish it without questions on how and why you got to do it.

As you left the car, Kia and Kiyoomi drive to another street in the city of Osaka. They leave the car, and go to a small cafe that doesn’t have a lot of customers. A woman waves at him and he goes to where she’s seated.

“Kyo who’s that?”

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You finish your appointments at around 5:30 PM. Kiyoomi really wanted you to relax. He had appointed a full body massage for you, a hair treatment appointment, manicure and pedicure and lunch at a 4-star sushi place; he’s spoiling you.

You see his car at the driveway outside the mall. You enter his car, then you sanitize your hands. Kia is asleep so you keep quiet. You take a look at him and he looks nervous.

“Are you okay?” You ask him and he nods. You eye him warily as he starts driving off without a word. “What did the two of you do today?”

“We went to a cafe, then met up with my nutritionist. Kia is also gave him a checkup. Apparently, Kia is taller than most of her peers. She’s 8 centimeters away from 100cm and she’s only 30 months old...” Kiyoomi states in a stressed manner.

“Are you afraid she’ll get bullied by other kids for her height?” You look at him and he seemed upset about it. “On the brighter side, with her height she can be a volleyball player like you.” You reassure him, he still looks like he’s on the edge.

“It’s the flower field Kia and I went to a while ago. Do you wanna take a walk?” He suddenly suggests, looking out the window of his car. You hum as a yes, then he parks his car somewhere near the flower field.

“Baby...” You coo at Kia, taking her seatbelt off. Her eyes slowly flutter open and she smiles when she sees you. You lift her off her chair then close the car’s door.

You look around, and notice that there aren’t a lot of people. No wonder why Kiyoomi wanted to take a walk. The place is peaceful and breathtaking. Rows of different kinds of flowers, but mostly roses and tulips. You look down to Kia and see that she is staring at the sun setting over the flower field.

You finally sense Kiyoomi beside you, but the energy he’s giving is off. You take a glance at him and he isn’t wearing his mask on. Now your suspicion has risen to the highest level. You want to ask him about it but Kia suddenly wriggles out of your hold. You run after her but stop when you see two familiar boys.

“Mu-chan! Ki-chan!” She squeals in excitement, running towards the said boys. You greet them with a wave as they are standing from a far. You watch Kia run to them before walking towards them too.

“Mama! Turn around!” Kia shouts but you don’t hear properly.

“Turn! Around!” Atsumu shouts this time, signaling you turn with his hand. You raise an eyebrow at them before turning around.

3rd Year, Itachiyama Academy

August 19

“Omi... I suddenly thought of something,” you spoke, watching the sunset. You two were at his backyard, enjoying your first anniversary in the comfort of his home. “How will you propose to me?”

“Are you really thinking about marriage just because we’ve been dating for a year now?” Sakusa squinted his eyes at you. You shrugged, leaning on his shoulder.

“I’m just curious since you hate surprises. You might tell me to get my nails done a week before so it’d look good in pictures,” you joked. He let out a chuckle in agreement.

“I might do that.” He saw the excitement in your eyes. Now, he’s curious about your dream proposal. “How do you want me to propose? Do you want a grand one or a simple one?”

“I want you to propose just like this,” you replied, eyes glued on the setting sun. “You, me, on our anniversary, with the sun setting.”

“Do I have to be on my knee? The ground might be dirty,” he rambled so you pouted.

“How is it a proposal if you don’t go on one bended knee?!”

“Then I’ll do that,” he replied, determined. There was no hesitance in his response so your heart beat faster.

“Really?” You asked, hopeful. You were now looking at him and so was he.

“Yes.”

“Sakusa Kiyoomi, why?!” You exclaim as you cover your face with your hands, tears already falling from your eyes.

The Sakusa Kiyoomi who well known as a germaphobe is on his knee in front you, with a ring in his hand. You check your phone to see the date, just to make sure. August 19. You cry even harder, not able to process what’s happening. Your heart is about to jump out of your chest. How does he remember even that?

“Will you marry me?”

Unable to answer due to too much emotions, you pull him up and kiss him deeply, hooking your arm on his neck, pulling him close to you. He wraps his arms around your waist, lifting you up the ground in excitement. He puts you back on the ground, then gives you another chaste kiss before slipping the ring in your ring finger. He gives it a kiss, before kissing you once more.

“Mama!” You hear Kia run to the two you. Kiyoomi lifts Kia with one arm, his other arm not leaving you. “Look! Kyo proposed to me too!”

“Kyo who’s that?” Kia asked as she and Kiyoomi sat in the same table with a strange woman.

“Is this your daughter?” The woman asked Sakusa. He nodded. Kia was still looking at her weirdly. “Hi, I’m Nako. I’m a jewelry maker. I make necklaces, bracelets, and rings. Do you wanna see?”

“Sorry, I’m late,” a familiar voice spoke, catching Kia’s full atention.

“Mu-chan!” Kia greeted him with a kiss. He sat down beside her, greeting Nako and his teammate with a smile and wave. Nako was Atsumu’s classmate in high school that has become a famous jeweler in Japan.

“Here’s the ring and necklace you have requested to custom made,” Nako told Kiyoomi, handing him two black velvet boxes. “Just as requested, a palladium engagement ring with a 2.4 carat round cut diamond. And in this box we have a 14k white gold ring attached to a 14k white gold chain. I also made sure that this won’t choke your daughter. But to be extra careful, take it off during her sleep or if she’s playing without you or your wife around.”

They finished their transaction and Nako left, leaving the boys with Kia in the cafe. “So we’ll wait for at the flower field near your house and Kia will run to us, then you’ll propose?” Atsumu clarified.

“Yes. That’s right,” Kiyoomi approved. “Please thank Kita-san for me.”

“I will. I will. We’ll meet you there.” Atsumu bid his good byes, leaving the father-daughter duo.

“Papa what’s the rings for?” Kia asked, staring at the shiny jewelry set in front of her.

“Baby, I’ll propose to your mama,” Kiyoomi started to explain. “I’ll give her this ring so we can get married and we’ll be together forever.” He tried to explain in simpler words so the child could understand.

“Why do you want to be with mama forever?” Kia questioned, which made Kiyoomi smile.

“Because I love your mama.”

“How about Kia? Do you love Kia?” Kia tilted her head to the side, her hopeful eyes peering at his. He cupped her cheek, planting a kiss on her forehead.

“So much. I love Kia so much,” he replied. “That’s why I’m giving you this.” Kiyoomi took the necklace out of the box, presenting it to her.

“You’re proposing to Kia?” She asked in an excited manner, her hands clasped together, pressing them close to her chest. “You wanna be together with Kia forever?”

Kia started crying in joy so Kiyoomi picked her up from her chair, giving her a tight hug. Her sobs quiet down so Kiyoomi put the necklace on her. She hugs him again, giving him a lot of kisses.

“I love papa, too.”

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Facts:

The idea and tradition of engagement rings dates back to ancient Egypt. The Egyptians believed circles were symbols of eternity.

The truth is the most popular engagement month in a year is December. 

In all, about 70% of brides wear their rings on the fourth finger of their left hand; a tradition that comes from the Roman belief that the vena amoris, or vein of love, was located there.

Wedding rings were traditionally made of gold because it was considered the most pure and valuable metal, and was thought to perfectly symbolize marriage.

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Taglist:  @elianetsantana​ aoi-turtle ptv-hades  aquzairus a-applepi justoneofthefangirlsarianna-r13 morenabambinii chaelysian loser-keiji mxngy ne-kuroon1fangirlsblog d-efendmissalicebaskervillemarvelousbakugou @agaashesmilktea​ bonkyandloki kimi09 ntimacy @mkazuyuh  ushi-please minty-mangos-world @dearest-kiyoomi​ yeehawslap  onlyshinji obsessedwhxre

[nikki-romero]

The Wild Flower (Tomoki Matsuba x OC) Chapter 1

I turned around to look at them. My eyes stopped on the man known as Tomoki Matsuba.

"Alright, I pick you, Tomoki Matsuba." Tomoki's expression was still and emotionless; he seemed like the most serious out of all of them.

"Very well," he answered. Still without a hint of life in his expression, he pressed a hand to his heart and bowed.

"Aw, too bad. You and I would have had fun together," Itsuki said.

"I have no use for a butler who isn't serious." I waved a dismissive hand at him.

"Geez, you're mean. I was just kidding."

"Itsuki." Tomoki rested his eyes on Itsuki. Although his expression didn't change, I could hear the warning in his voice.

"Tomo, come on. Don't look at me like that," Itsuki said, a carefree smile on his face.

"Looks like we're done. We'll be returning to the Ichijo residence. Tomoki, I'll leave the rest to you," Yuma said.

"Tomoki will be living in the apartment next door. He'll be taking care of you," Aoi added.

"I'm well aware of what a butler's job is, thanks. If you're done, please leave," I said coldly, turning my back on them once more.

"As you wish. You must be tired. Today was a busy day. You should get some rest," Aoi said.

"Good luck, Miss Ichinomiya," Yuma said with a smirk on his.

"Great, thanks. Don't come back, 'kay?"

"See ya," Itsuki smiled.

"... Goodbye," Kyo said.

I took my tea and walked to my room. I put the cup on my bedside table as I opened my closet to get some PJs.

"Miss Ichinomiya," Tomoki said.

"I tossed the pyjamas on the bed and stood on the threshold, my hand on the door.

"What." It didn't come out as a question.

"So, let's get started." Tomoki, somehow having hidden them up until now, showed me a fat pile of textbooks. "I need you to master what's written in these books over the course of this month."

I sighed. "Put them down on the coffee table. I'll take a look." I sat down on my knees on the carpet in front of the coffee table.

"A lady shouldn't..."

"Shut up," I cut him off. "This is my house. I will act as I please." I looked down at the covers of the books. "I've read this one... This one, too... I've read all of these." English conversation, etiquette, table manners, flower arrangement, dance, cooking... Each volume was thicker than a dictionary. And I've read every single one of them.

"You have?"

"You've never seen me at a party, have you? Of course you haven't. I avoided the Ichijos like the plague," I muttered. Tomoki raised an eyebrow at me. I sighed. "If you had seen me at a party, you'd know I already know all of this. I kind of have to? You know, as the vice president of the Ichinomiya Group? You do know about that, don't you?"

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Of course not. You're just one of a long line of people who believe I have the position for show. Because I'm some princess who has everything just fall into her lap." I rolled my eyes.

"What about these?" Tomoki piled on a bunch of additional volumes. I looked at the titles.

"I've read this one, this one, this one..." I picked them out one by one.

"Very well. But I will still need to test you personally to make sure."

I scoffed. "Do what you want." I waved dismissively, a sour look on my face.

"First, I'll test you in table manners from 8:00 to 8:59 pm. Etiquette will be from 9."

"Yes, fine, whatever."

"Also, from now on, please call me Mr Matsuba." This made me cock my eyebrow.

"Why?"

"With all due respect, you and I aren't buddies. I'm a butler who serves you. I'm not your family or your friend. I don't see any need for you to call me by my given name."

"Oh, okay. Shall I call you Tomo, then? Like your brother?"

He glared at me. "I just told you..."

"No? Okay, how about Mr Four Eyes?" His glare turned more severe. "Don't like that name either? Then quit your whining. I called my dad's butler by his first name, and he never said a word."

"You mean Mr Ichinomiya," Tomoki said. My head shot to him.

I glared. "I mean my dad. The one who raised me." I walked to him until there was no space between us. "I'll only say this once. Kazuma Ichijo means nothing to me." I took a step back. "So, Tomoki or some nickname. Which do you hate more? Take your pick." The smile I flashed him was as sickeningly sweet as my voice sounded. "Anything else?"

"So, next on the schedule, beginning at 10 pm is—"

I sighed. "Look, are you going to be much longer? You can test me tomorrow. I'd like to get some rest now."

"Very well. I will retire for the day. Oh, and one more thing. Here." Tomoki handed me a tablet with a calendar displayed on the screen. "This is your schedule, starting tomorrow. An alarm will go off when there's an event."

I begrudging snatched it from his hand.

"Goodbye." Tomoki left.

I checked the calendar. Every day was jam-packed with things I was supposedly going to do. I tossed it onto the sofa and went to my room, but I didn't sleep. I worked.

The following morning, I woke up early and got ready for school. It was almost strange how my routine hadn't changed, even though I just moved. But then again, I'd always had my own rigid schedule. After showering, eating a light breakfast and drinking my coffee, I started to head out when I heard a loud beeping sound. The light from the tablet I'd dumped on the sofa the previous night was flashing. No sooner did I stop the annoying alarm, my door opened and Tomoki walked in.

"Good morning. It's 7:52 and 40 seconds. Time for you to leave for school. Get ready immediately."

"I'm aware." I pushed past him when he called out to me.

"Wait. Here you are." When I turned around, Tomoki handed me a small bag.

"What is it?" I warily looked inside.

"Your lunch."

"Thanks..." Great. Now I feel bad for being bitchy.

"It's not a problem. I am your butler. Your lessons-"

"Sorry, can't talk. Gotta go, bye!" I made a show of rushing down the stairs.

I sat at my desk in homeroom with my chin in my hand, staring out the window.

"Good morning!" A cheerful voice said from nearby. Ayame was standing in front of my desk.

"Morning," I said grumpily.

She cocked her head to the side, trying to figure out if something was wrong or if I was just being me. Before she could say anything else, the bell rang and she had to go to her own desk.

During lunch, Ayame and I sat on the roof to eat lunch. I opened the bento that Tomoki gave me. It was packed to the brim with food.

"Hey, where did you get that?" Ayame looked curiously at my lunch.

"My butler gave it to me," I answered.

"I thought Geo went with your dad?"

"I got a new one."

"You don't seem to be happy about it."

I shrugged. "I don't care either way." At least the food was good.

After school, I met up with Yukino at a café we frequented. I absentmindedly stirred the frappe in front of me, barely listening to what my best friend was saying.

"Hotaru. Hey, Hotaru!"

"Huh? What?" I was suddenly snapped out of my reverie.

"You've been giving me totally vague answers. Were you even listening?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, Yukino. I just have a lot on my mind."

Yukino sighed. "You always do that." She frowned.

"Do what?" I knew she wasn't talking about me not listening to her.

"You bottle everything up until you're ready to explode from it. Or collapse." I took a sip of my frappe. "See? You haven't touched that drink, and now that I ask you what's wrong, you want to drink it."

I gave a self-deprecating chuckle. "I guess you're right..." I told her everything.

Yukino was silent for a few moments. "This is... I don't even know what to say."

I ran my hand through my hair. "I mean just what gives him the right to force himself into my life after all this time. And then he has the audacity to send his butlers to do his dirty work?" A cold laugh escaped me.

"Yes. I mean I wouldn't even know what to think if my father did something like that. Yours wrote you letters, didn't he?"

"Yes. Because that makes up for everything," I said sarcastically.

"You should tell him," Yukino said.

At first, I wasn't sure what she was getting at. "What?"

"Look, I'm with you. Everything he's done and is doing is completely unfair. He isn't even taking your feelings into account at all. But you're also not the kind of person to take this kind of thing lying down. You're going to meet him at this birthday party, right? Take the chance to tell him everything you couldn't before. Give him a piece of your mind. You're not just some possession for him to screw over time and time again. It's about time he realises that. You don't play by anyone's rules but your own."

I chuckled. "You sound like my dad."

"Akira?"

"Who else?"

As we moved on to lighter topics, I couldn't help recounting my past. My mom had told me that my father was a sailor. There was no way she wouldn't have known that he wasn't. Which means she lied. Even as she lay on her deathbed, she never bothered telling me the truth. I was mad when I found out, but it's been a long time since then, and I've forgiven her. Not that it mattered. She wasn't in this world to answer for it anymore, anyway.

My mom had died when I was still in Elementary School. Akira was a good friend of hers. Unlike Eisuke's father, my mother never made him promise to take care of me. But he did. I had no one; no relatives. I would have ended up in the system if it weren't for him. Who knows what kind of life I would have had?

Akira was the CEO of the Ichinomiya Group before my brother took over. Eisuke and I didn't really have much of a bond. He wasn't that kind of person. Our relationship resembled that of business partners more than anything else. Our ways of thinking were always so different. We bumped heads a lot of the time, but as far as the Ichinomiya Group goes, we worked well together.

Then there was Kazuma Ichijo, my estranged, not to mention, deadbeat, father. He developed the Ichijo Group into one of the biggest corporations in Japan. But nothing about that impressed me. I spent the majority of my life hating him. I never wanted to meet him, and every time Eisuke told me to go to a meeting with another corporation, my stomach churned at the possibility of it being the Ichijo Group.

Yukino and I finished our lunch. It felt like we spoke for hours, and I felt so much lighter leaving the café.

By the time I went home from meetings, it was past 10. Tomoki was waiting for me in the foyer when I got home.

"Welcome home, Miss Ichinomiya. You are two hours, 10 minutes and 26 seconds late."

"I had meetings," I replied as I pushed past him.

"What happens at your job is not my concern."

"Right. Just like I don't give a shit about your little schedule either."

"It is my job to teach you what you must learn from 9 pm to midnight."

"And what's that? How to be a micro-managing freak?" I noticed Tomoki's eyebrow twitch. "Oh, wow. A reaction."

"So, let's begin with etiquette."

"Yeah, Yeah. Just gimme a minute to change."

"I can allow you 2 minutes. Not a second longer."

"Oh, yes. Here." I handed him the bento box in the paper bag he gave me this morning. "It was good. Thanks."

"No need to thank me. I was simply doing my job. You do yours. Show me you have what it takes to be a society lady. I don't have much time."

"I don't "have what it takes". I already am one," I said and disappeared into my room. "Why do you care so much, anyway?" I called to him through the closed door.

"I consider making sure you're a presentable lady my way of repaying your father."

"How wonderful for you..." I replied sarcastically. I finished changing into more casual clothes and joined Tomoki in the living room.

"Expect to make up for yesterday's lack of practice and today's tardiness."

"Can't you just get on with it without leaving your 2 cents about everything I do?"

"Very well. Let's begin with basic greetings. We're behind schedule so we have five minutes to finish this." The things he was going over was, in fact, pretty basic. After almost two hours, the tablet started to beep loudly. "It's midnight," Tomoki said. "That will be all for today. Good job."

I sighed. This man resembled a robot more than anything else. I wouldn't be surprised if he did end up as some cyborg.

Previous Chapter

[ashtheshortstack]

beautiful disaster - ch 1

Rating: M Ship: Kyoru Chapter 1/5: “Do you wanna hang out?”

Tags: Fluff, Smut, Learning intimacy, Virgin Dorks, Post-Curse, Manga/Anime Spoilers 

Graduation was fast approaching, it seemed. Though it was still a few months away, Kyo couldn’t help but want to hang onto these memories of high school. Life would be completely different soon. Not in the way Kyo had originally suspected, of course. For so many years… he believed after he graduated high school that he’d be locked away for the rest of his life. That his life on the “outside” would be over. That he’d be separated from Tohru forever… and he’d be doomed for a lonely eternity. 

But instead, she changed his life forever. Changed everyone around her like the precious flower she was. If anyone could bring out the good in someone, it was always her. Always Tohru. He didn’t deserve her… God, he didn’t. But she chose him. And how lucky he was that she did. 

Shigure and the rat weren’t going to be home that afternoon. The thought of being left alone with Tohru made him warm all over. It shouldn’t be a big deal. They spent so much time together as it was since they’d been dating for months. And during their summer break they were alone a few times and it didn’t matter. Kyo couldn’t be afraid of being alone with the girl he loved. That was just stupid. There wasn’t anything to worry about. Or fret over. Or overthink. Right? 

Right?

So, why did today feel so different? Why was he so itchy all over? He’d noticed a shift lately. He found himself staring at her hips as they swayed, found himself eyeing the creamy skin of her legs that shown between her skirts and socks. 

“Oh, hey, Carrots. You waiting on Tohru?” 

Bristling, he rocketed out of his thoughts. Kyo glanced up to see Uotani standing there with her arms crossed. Freaky wave girl wasn’t with her, shockingly. Not that he minded… her constantly teasing him about how attractive his master is made his skin crawl. Since the spirit of the cat had left him, he’d noticed that people were able to sneak up on him a lot easier than they used to. He kind of hated it, but he couldn’t really complain. 

“Yeah, why?” 

She cocked a brow. “Why do you think? Usually the prince is around to walk Tohru home with you, but he’s been surprisingly absent lately.” 

Kyo snorted. “‘Course he is. He’s gotta girlfriend now and that student council crap. Besides, s’not like I want that jerk around.” 

“You do like to hog our Tohru to yourself, huh?” 

“That’s not what I meant!” 

Uotani just barked a laugh at his expense. Just like she always did. Kyo couldn’t help but think there was a bit of spite to her words. She wasn’t wrong. And Tohru already agreed to move away with him. She’d be far away from the people she loved. There was a small guilt that ate at him for that reason alone. Tohru had agreed to come with him. Insisted that he was her most important person, and that she wanted to be with him. So, so many times, Kyo thought about how he didn’t deserve her devotion. That she shouldn’t give up everyone she loved just for him. But she was insistent. 

He’d do whatever it meant to make her happy. 

Kyo would give Tohru the damn universe if he could. If that's what she wanted. 

“Seriously, though… Don’t go too crazy with your new found alone time. Be gentle with her, alright? She’s never had a boyfriend before and all of this is new to her.” 

Pushing off the wall, he tilted his head. “Well, yeah. I’m new at this too and-- wait .” Kyo felt his cheeks heat as the meaning of her teasing words suddenly sunk in. “Shut up! That’s none of your damn business.” 

Uotani tsked. “Don’t tell me you’re a prude, Carrots.” 

“I--” he gritted his teeth. “I ain’t talking about this with you,” he sneered as he turned his back to her. 

“You really do fluster easily, dontcha? No wonder you’re soulmates.” 

Kyo grunted, feeling his cheeks warm clenching his fists before stomping off. “I’m gonna go find her.” 

“See ya! I’ll ask Tohru all about it later!” she snickered with a wave. 

“Shut up!” 

Damn, did she know? Was it obvious he’d been checking Tohru out lately? Shit! Had she noticed!? Fuck, that was embarrassing. 

  The walk back home was uncomfortably silent, not that Tohru noticed. Her fingers were twined with his own as she hummed happily and swung their connected palms without a care in the world. She was muttering about what to make for dinner. Kyo loved that about her… that she could be in her own little world. Entirely obvious to the inner turmoil he felt. Not that he wanted her to know what he was so worked up about. 

That stupid yankee didn’t know what she was talking about. ...Well, maybe she did . But that wasn’t the point. He couldn’t pressure Tohru into something like that. Unless… Wait. Did--Did Tohru bring it up to her friends? Did they talk about that kinda stuff? Did that mean she was ready for the next level of--of physical affection? 

Shit, what did he know!? He couldn’t even hug a girl until recently. And the only girl he wanted to hug was Tohru. The only girl he wanted to do anything with was Tohru. They’d just learned how to cuddle, dammit. And Kyo hadn’t even realized how fucking touch starved he was until he and Tohru curled up together watching movies in the living room. Until they laid together listening to stupid music on the radio on her bed. Until he hugged her from behind when she cooked dinner--Shigure and Yuki caught them that time. And he was utterly humiliated and annoyed by their teasing. 

Who could he even talk to about it? Certainly not Shigure. That guy was gross and perverted and there was no way he was going to ask for sex advice from somone who wrote trashy romance novels. Even if he was an expert on the topic, clearly. His master was also out of the question. He would be far too embarrassed to discuss that with his parent. Even if he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, it’d still be a big deal for Kyo. 

So… that left the damn rat, didn’t it? Shit. No way. No way in hell would he stoop low enough to ask that bastard if he knew how to… er. Besides, he didn’t necessarily understand Yuki's relationship with Tohru, he can’t say that the guy would appreciate it. Anytime he fucked up, that guy was always there to glare at him. Or beat the crap out of him. 

Fuck. He really was on his own with this, wasn’t he? Obviously, Kyo wasn’t an idiot. He knew the mechanics of how intimacy worked. But that just seemed like such a huge step to take. Which meant… he really would have to ask Tohru how she felt on the matter. 

“Kyo…? Are you okay?” 

Ah, crap. She finally noticed. 

His cheeks flushed in an instant. “Y-Yeah… Yeah, I’m fine.” 

Tohru blinked, looking over him. “Are you sure?” 

Just spit it out. Just spit it out, goddammit!

“D-Do you and your friends talk about--uh--I dunno… girl talk?” 

She seemed a bit taken aback by his question but took a moment to mull it over. Tohru glanced away from him, tapping her chin as she thought. “I guess so. We have sleepovers a lot. We talk about girl things then.” 

“Do you… talk about me?” 

“Well, yeah. I love talking about you, Kyo. Oh,” she glanced away as he tried not to focus on the admission that his girlfriend does, in fact, talk to her friends about him. “That must get bothersome after a while. I hope Uo-chan and Hana-chan aren’t annoyed by it.” 

Kyo bumps her slightly with a small smirk. “They would never tire of hearing your voice. Neither do I. It’s… It’s special.” 

Giggling, she gazed up at him. Those brown eyes full of a happiness that made him weak as she smiled so innocently. God, he almost felt dirty… thinking of her like that. But wouldn’t it be wrong if he didn’t? She was the love of his life. Of course, he thought of her like that. As a woman. As someone to hold and kiss and caress… He really did want to touch her. To please her. To make her feel loved the way she deserved. Damn, she deserved so much.  

There was a dampness between their palms. Was he sweating? Was he nervous? Shit, he needed to chill out before she really noticed something was up. Because she would. It was Tohru. She could read him like a damn book, just as he could with her. 

“Why do you ask?” 

He nearly choked. “Uh! J-Just curious is all. Just wanna know if I need to be worried about that yankee knowing all of my business.” 

Tohru giggled at that. “No, of course not.” 

Humming in agreement, Kyo thanked whatever deity was looking out for him that they were finally home. That had to have been one of the longest walks home of his life. Normally, he’d love Tohru’s company but being around her while he was driving himself insane… wasn’t helping him at all. 

He just kept thinking about touching her. How soft her skin was. How her cheeks flushed when he told her how cute she was. Would she blush like that when he ran his palms along her bare hips and-- stop! Nope! Nope nope nope. Enough of that. 

Releasing her hand, he quickly unlocked the door (because it was actually locked this time) and kicked off his shoes. Tohru trotted in happily after him, blissfully unaware of the dirty images that had just flashed in his mind. Was he really a dirty pervert like Shigure said? No. No way. It was perfectly natural to be attracted to his girlfriend. Physically. Emotionally. ...Sexually. All of it. That was part of being in love, right? To desire someone? To feel that want aching inside of him? 

Dammit, this was all Uotani’s fault. Yes, maybe he was fretting over being alone with Tohru… a little. But she brought it up! She made him think about--about that.  

“Kyo?” 

She was looking at him then. Tohru was bent at the waist, hands behind her back as she peered up at him from beneath her brown locks. There was that smile… that sweet smile that always made his chest tighten in a wonderfully longing ache. 

Finally, he relaxed for the first time since they’d left school. She wouldn’t bring it up, would she? It had to be him… She’d tell herself something stupid, wouldn’t she? She’d think he didn’t want her like that. She’d think that he wasn’t ready. She’d think he didn’t desire her physically, but dammit it all he did. He wanted her so badly it made him feel crazy. 

Dropping his bag, he grabbed her hand and tugged her close. She yelped in surprise when her face hit his chest. A small part of him was waiting to transform, but it never came. He knew logically it wouldn’t, but a small part of him always had that fear gnawing at the back of his mind. Instead of fretting, he wrapped his arms around her waist. 

“Sorry,” he murmured into her hair. “I’m the one being spacey today, huh?” 

Tohru gazed up at him with those beautiful brown eyes before reaching up and bumping him lightly on the head with her knuckle. 

...Did she just…? 

He snorted. “Dork.” 

“Kyo’s the one who needs to come back to earth,” she sang with a beam. “What do you want for dinner?” 

You.

His cheeks flushed. “Um, it’s up to you. M-Maybe, Shigure and the rat will know what they want. How about we just… Do you want to hang out?” 

Blinking, she tilted her head. “Of course. I always want to be with you.” 

Kyo groaned, bumping his forehead to hers. “You can’t say cute things like that.” 

That earned him another giggle in response. He could listen to that laugh every single day… Every sound she made was addicting. And Kyo greedily took them in. 

He wasn’t sure what he was doing when she followed him into his room. There wasn’t a plan… he hadn’t thought he’d get this far? N-Not that he was trying to go far with his girlfriend. He just--he just wanted to spend time with her. Whatever happened just happened. They would be leaving soon. Things would be different. And he just wanted to savor every moment he had of this life before their lives changed. Of course, he wanted to be with Tohru for the rest of his life. And he was excited for that. 

Tohru was curled against his side, her head resting on his chest. He loved her. He loved her so much. It never crossed his mind that there would be a day that he could do this. That he could cuddle. That he could lay in bed with her touching him like this. Unable to help himself, he brushed a hand through her hair. Pressing a kiss to her crown, he snuggled closer to her. 

With a content hum, Tohru glanced up at him. “Is this really okay, Kyo? Are you sure Shigure-san and Yuki-kun won’t mind that I’m not making dinner?” 

“If either of them have something to say, they’ll have to answer to me.” 

She laughed at that before nodding. “I’m… I’m so happy we can be like this. It’s so nice to lay here with you.” 

“I know… I--I never thought I’d be able to hold you.” 

He heard a small sniffle in response. Kyo looked down and saw the tears welling up in her eyes. “Oi! D-Don’t cry,” he sputtered and wiped her tears before they could fall. “Dummy, that’s nothing to get upset over. We’re here now.” 

Her voice was soft when she spoke. “S-Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll wake up and--and everything will be different. That Kyo will be gone and--” she whimpered. 

Oh. Oh, never. Never ever would he let that happen. 

Kyo tipped her chin up, smiling softly at her. “I’m not going anywhere, alright?” 

She nodded. “I-I love you.” 

“I love you, too…” 

He cupped her cheeks, pulling her in for a soft kiss. Warmth pooled inside his gut, swirling and seeping into his veins. Heartbeat quickening in his chest, he felt more want for her than he ever had before. Kyo wasn’t sure when he did… and he hadn’t even meant to… but he deepened the kiss, slanting his mouth against her own. Tohru didn’t seem to object as she sighed into his mouth. 

Palm sliding into her hair, he twined his fingers into the brunette strands. He felt Tohru’s smaller digits clench the front of his shirt. When did the room get so hot? When did it become so suffocating? So hard to breathe? 

When she let out a whine, Kyo felt his world tilt. The tiny sound sent heat straight to his groin. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Mayday. This was bad. This was so, so bad. He had to control himself for her sake. 

Suddenly, her lips left his. She didn’t move far though. “Kyo…? Is this okay?” Tohru asked, her lips brushing his. 

He chuckled. “I should be asking you that. Are you okay?” 

Tohru nodded, face flushing. “Y-Yes. I feel, um…” 

“Yeah,” he snorted. “Me too.” 

“Really? You too?” 

“Mhmm…” 

Tohru cuddled closer to him. “Could we… continue?” 

“Do you want to?” 

“Yes.” 

Well, hell. Who was he to deny her anything? 

Kyo cupped her cheek with a tender smile. The way she gazed up at him, cheeks flushed and eyes wide. She was so beautiful. He hoped she knew that. Hoped she knew how much he treasured her. He wanted to show her. Gently, he pulled her back in. Kyo pressed his lips back to her own. The kiss was chaste and tender. Until he deepened it, his tongue tracing her lips gently. Tohru hummed sweetly in response, her lips dancing with his own. 

Slowly, he trailed his fingers downward over her hips. Tohru’s breath hitched making him chuckle. “You okay?” 

“Yes, you just surprised me is all.” 

He smiled at that with a timid brush of his fingers against her thigh. With a whimper, Tohru clutched his chest again before tugging him down for more kisses. He would gladly oblige her. Kyo felt his fingers tremble when his hand slipped beneath her skirt. No slap came or anything, so Tohru didn’t seem to mind so much. 

She hummed when he cupped her rear, and it only egged him on. Kyo kneaded the soft flesh there. God, she was soft. So soft. He loved that. Loved how much she squished under his touch. Maybe, he was being too bold… but he fiddled with the edge of her panties, dipping a finger beneath the cloth. 

Her lips left his. “You, um--” 

Pausing, he glanced down at her. “Yeah?” 

“Take--” she sucked in a breath. “You can take them off.” 

Heart pounding, his throat grew tight. “O-Okay.” 

His hand traveled slowly upward, giving her time to change her mind. The last thing he’d want was to displease her. But the objection never came, and Kyo tugged at the waistband of her panties. His breath was lost in his throat as he watched them slide down her legs. He was going to die. This would truly be the death of him. 

She shuffled, her thigh brushing against the bulged formed in his pants. He groaned in response. Tohru yelped, pushing back. 

“I’m so sorry! Did I hurt you!? I didn’t mean--” 

He bumped his fist to her forehead. “Stop, dummy. That didn’t hurt. Uh--at all.” 

“Oh. It--It didn’t?” 

“Yeah, I, uh, didn’t make that noise cause it hurt.” 

Blinking, she gazed at him. The gears were turning in her head. God, he loved her but sometimes Tohru could be really dim. But… he couldn’t help but find it endearing. She was really cute. She gasped, the realization dawning on her. Cheeks reddening further, she gawked at him. “O-Oh. I understand. Should I do something…?” 

“Just… Can I touch you?” 

Silently, she nodded. 

Kyo gently pushed her shoulder, encouraging Tohru to roll onto her back. Leaning his cheek against her forehead, his hand returned to her skin. He rubbed gentle circles on her thigh before finally venturing upward. When his hand found her center, they both froze. Tohru whimpered, brow pinched and lips pursed. He was sure it didn’t hurt… She was just nervous. So was he. 

He was timid when he brushed a finger along her folds. There was a slickness there that surprised him. Her breathing was heavy on his neck, the feeling sending tingles down his spine. Kyo was terrified of rushing. Of going too fast and not pleasing her. Or even disappointing her. 

Pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, he stayed there with his lips against her skin as he dipped a single digit inside her. The little moan that left her lips almost killed him. But he had to keep his wits about him. He had to do this right. This was their first time doing anything like this. He couldn’t fuck it up. 

His motions were slow. A soft in and out. When Tohru hitched her leg upward, he almost died. But that was a good sign, right? He wasn’t hurting her. She was okay with what he was doing. That was what he wanted. He wanted to please her. Make her feel good. That was his goal. All for her. 

Tohru’s fingers wrapped into his hair. She panted through parted lips. The sight had him wanting her even more than he did before. His movements grew faster, earning him another sound approval from her throat. 

“Kyo… I-I…” 

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” 

She clutched him, thighs quivering as her walls throbbed around his finger. She suddenly gripped his wrist, stopping his motions in his tracks. Tohru fought to catch her breath as he pulled his hand from her folds. Cringing at the moisture, he wiped his hand on his pants. 

Tohru gave a contented sigh. “That was really nice, Kyo.” 

“Did it feel good?” 

“Mhmm.” 

He smiled, nuzzling her crown. “Good. That’s what I wanted.” 

“But…” her palm brushed the bulge in his pants. His brain suddenly forgot all coherent thought when she gingerly rubbed him. “What about Kyo?” she murmured. 

Clearing his throat, he shook his head. “You don’t have to…” 

The sound of the front door opening downstairs sent them both whirling away from one another in a panic. Yuki’s voice called up to them, announcing he was home. Well, that was better than it being Shigure... Tohru yanked her panties from the futon and slipped them back on beneath her skirt. Kyo tried to ignore the sight of her bare ass when she pulled them up, but that was completely futile. 

“You’re beautiful.” 

She paused in her steps towards the door. Spinning, she smiled at him. “We’ll take care of Kyo next time, alright?” she asked, pressing her fingers to her lips. 

Kyo felt himself flush as she turned and left the room on clearly wobbling legs. Was she… Did she just tease him!? Dammit! He knew she was damn cheeky. God, his girlfriend was too damn cute for her own good. She would definitely be the death of him. 

He could hear her run down to welcome Yuki home. Glancing down at the very obvious tent in his pants, he realized that he’d definitely have to wait until he calmed down to go downstairs. He flopped back on the futon, rolling to his side. 

It was… weird. Had they really just done that? Did he really just pleasure his girlfriend? And then she said--

….Wait. 

Next time!?

[gotemsayingw0w]

Kyoru Week Day 5

Prompt: Precious @kyoruweekofficial

It had been bothering him all day. A nagging, itchy feeling on his left shoulder. Innocuous enough that it wasn’t debilitating, but annoying enough that it was starting to really piss him off. So much so, that the second he got home from work, he ripped the top of his karategi off, searching for the culprit of his discomfort. 

Kyo Sohma considered himself a simple man. He never really cared for fashion, instead choosing loose, comfortable clothing that was easy to move around in. It was why he could pack every single item of clothing he owned in a single duffel bag if he really wanted to. It was why he could go for a several mile run in every single item of clothing he owned if he really needed to. It was why, despite teasing from his cousins, friends, and his girlfriend, he kept around clothes that others deemed “hideous.” They were comfortable, dammit. 

He hated tight clothes. He hated accessories. When he first began living with Shishou, he hated wearing his gi with his belt. He hated any type of rough, scratchy fabric. As he began running his fingers over the black fabric of his gi, searching for a loose thread or piece of lint that was irritating him, he got even more pissed off because this gi was perfectly worn in. If it was irreparably ruined he’d have to buy a new one and those took months to get to the loose, flexible uniform that Kyo deemed acceptable for work.

His fingers brushed over a small, raised bump and he grinned, triumphant that he wasn’t wrong, there was something off. There, among the stiff black cotton, was a series of tiny stitches, appearing to be in the shape of a heart.

“What the hell…” he whispered, bringing the cloth directly under the light of the flashlight on his phone. Sure enough, covering a small hole he didn’t remember having in this gi, there was an embroidered heart. He pinched the fabric between his fingers to confirm that this tiny patch was what had been bothering him all day.

He was certain it was the work of Tohru, his girlfriend. He couldn’t possibly think of another person besides the two of them who handled their dirty laundry and he definitely was not going to be the one to sew a heart over the hole let alone even notice it. 

He walked into the single bedroom in their apartment, still holding the gi in his hand, running through his mind the various articles of clothing he had that had gathered small holes over the years. He never minded tiny little punctures in the sleeves or collars of his shirts or the weathered fabric in the knees of his pants. If something became too ratty, he’d always just thrown it away. But for some reason, the tiny patch on his gi connected something in his mind. He’d never held onto clothes this long before he knew Tohru. 

Sure enough, he pulled item after item out of their shared wardrobe that had small little patches sewing up holes in his clothes. Most of them were simple, almost inscrutable. Places where seams had torn and been re-stitched with care and precision, but certainly not the factory-made stitches that came with the clothes. On other pieces of his clothing, however, there were the same tiny patches. 

A pair of jeans with a tiny hole on the thigh had a tiny square sewn around it, the thread the same color as the denim. One of his favorite red hoodies that had garnered a small hole in the sleeve, had an embroidered triangle. His yellow v-neck that hardly fit anymore, but stayed in his wardrobe out of protest (he really didn’t think it was that ugly) had a tiny sun stitched around a hole in the hem. A pair of his most comfortable boxers had a tiny, orange cat sewn in the seat.

Quickly, a pile of mended clothes ended up at his feet until all that was left in his wardrobe were four white undershirts, a dearth of rarely-worn pants, and some of his less-preferred socks and underwear. Scattered around the floor were all of his most favorite, most comfortable clothing, somehow altered in an attempt to preserve their life.

The sound of a key turning in the door caught his attention and he listened as she called out in a sing-song tone, “I’m home!” The sound of rustling grocery bags, cabinets opening and closing, and water running from the sink brought him back down to Earth and, as Tohru’s footsteps neared their bedroom, he felt a blush creep to his cheeks. 

“I didn’t realize you would beat me home!” She said as she walked down the hallway towards the door. “Did you have...an early…” her voice trailed off as she entered the room. She scanned the floor and the bed, no doubt trying to process exactly what he was doing. 

“Hi,” Kyo said, holding an unscathed white undershirt in his hand as if he’d been caught committing a crime. 

“Hi,” Tohru breathed in response. She didn’t ask a question, but the curiosity in her eyes indicated she would like to know the answer.

“My gi had a hole in it,” Kyo answered.

She frowned. “Another one?” She carefully stepped over the pile of clothes on the floor to grab the top off of the bed. Holding the garment up to inspect it, she asked “Where?”

Kyo shook his head. “Had,” he emphasized.

Tohru nodded. “The one in the shoulder? Yeah, I noticed it a few nights ago. Is it holding up okay?”

“Did you fix it?”

“Of course!”

“When?”

“Last night when I couldn’t fall back to sleep.”

“Did you fix all of these?”

Tohru blinked, confused by the line of questioning. She nodded. Of course she had mended them. Who else would have? “Are you upset that I fixed them?” She asked. Her face remained neutral, but the slight wavering in her voice displayed her nerves.

Kyo’s initial response was automatic. “N-no, I’m not…” he lowered the white undershirt back into the dresser. “I just didn’t…” he couldn’t finish the thought.

Was he upset that she fixed them? No. Actually, he was rather touched by the gesture. She knew how much he valued comfort and how well-loved his clothes were that she went out her way to preserve them. It was, at its core, the most kind gesture. The purest display of love that could possibly exist. Of course he wasn’t upset that she fixed them, no. The emotion was much more complicated than that.

It was the same feeling he had when she’d confessed to him two years prior, albeit on a much smaller scale. It was such a clear, irrefutable declaration of love that he was not expecting. He had spent so much of his life feeling not only undeserving of love, but turned off to the idea completely. He wasn’t the kind of person who could be loved. He didn’t deserve it. He was a terrible person, a monster. Whenever someone close to him tried to offer him love, he immediately became defensive.

That feeling, the feeling of being undeserving, had gotten better since he had met Tohru and especially since they had moved away together nearly a year ago. But it crept in occasionally. He was still plagued by negative thoughts sometimes. That small voice inside his head piped up every so often to tell him he didn’t deserve any of this. However, in her actions and with her words, she reminded him every day you do deserve this. She didn’t have to say it verbatim; it was evident in all that she did for him.

He wasn’t upset, he was disarmed. There he had been, minding his own business, when the reminder of just how much she loved him and cared for him slapped him across the face. He needn’t ask the question why, especially because he knew the answer. But knowing the answer didn’t make the display any less surprising. 

Tohru carefully side-stepped the piles of clothes, moving lightly on her tiptoes towards him, and wrapped her arms around his middle. He, in turn, wrapped his around her shoulders and brushed her hair with his lips. He couldn’t help it, he asked the question anyway.

“Why did you fix my gi?”

She pressed her chin against his chest, looking up at him with her wide, earnest eyes. “Because it’s your favorite one.” She answered simply, as if it had been obvious the whole time.

“I never said that,” he responded and she smiled at him.

“It was pretty obvious,” she mused. He raised his eyebrows waiting for her to continue. “You always reach for that one first,” she explained. “It’s certainly the softest and most broken in. Plus, it was a gift from Kunimitsu-san before our move. It’s special to you.”

And there it was. She was right, it was his favorite. It was the most comfortable. He didn’t attribute much to the fact that it was a gift, but her logic was sound.  He was disarmed because, without saying a word, she told him ‘I get it. You love this. And because you love it and I love you, it’s precious to me. I’ll preserve it for you.’

She’d never have to speak the words ‘I love you’ if she didn’t want to. She said it to him in her gestures alone. She saw who he was at his core, appreciated it, and nurtured it so that it wouldn’t change. And as she did so, she reminded him you deserve this.

“Thank you,” he murmured, tucking a hand under her chin and tilting her head to meet her lips softly with his own. She beamed at him.

She returned her head to his chest, pressing her cheek against him until she could hear his heartbeat. “It’s a mess in here.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled sheepishly. “I had to come in here and see what other girly patches you put all over my stuff.” 

She pinched his back. “They’re not girly,” she insisted. “Besides, if you really never noticed until today that I’ve been fixing your clothes for four years, then you should be a little embarrassed,” she teased back.

“Lucky for you, your careful craftsmanship has made it so I never noticed.” He stepped back, retrieving the gi top from the bed and held it out for her. “But you’ve gotten sloppy. Damn heart was bothering me all day.”

She pinched the heart between her fingers, confirming that it was a bit more pronounced than some of her other patches. “You’re right,” she nodded, her face taking on a grave (although clearly exaggerated) expression. “Certainly a manly patch would not be so itchy.”

“Exactly,” he confirmed. He reached down and gathered the pile of clothes in his arms, sitting on the bed with them so he could refold them and put them away. 

She planted a kiss on the top of his head before she turned to leave. “I’ll go make a very manly dinner to make up for it,” she said, grinning, and he rolled his eyes. 

*  *  *

The following morning, he left for work, his bag already packed with his other favorite karategi and lunch he’d prepared the night before. He changed at the dojo, and, when met with the sound of snickers, quirked his eyebrows at the teen class before him.

“Nice heart, shihan,” one of the girls said, her palm covering her mouth.

Kyo craned his neck to look at his shoulder in the mirror and, sure enough, he was wearing the gi from yesterday, no doubt slipped into his bag by Tohru when he wasn’t looking. There, on his shoulder, was the hole with a new patch covering it. A small, pink heart in contrast with the black cotton. 

He shook his head, the smile on his face betraying the annoyance he was trying to convey. “God dammit.”

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket SE2, ep12, part2

The way this ep was handled make it stands alone outside of furuba’s world. It can very well be an anime film. We don’t even need to know why the main couple broke up or anything abt the curse lore. It’s a story abt a couple who could’ve been the happiest, but parted ways despite loving each other still. A story about a woman ,one-sidedly, falling deeply in love with a taken man despite wishing the couple all the happiness. Mayu was right “ ppl don’t fall in love to be sad & lonely” but everybody in this ep was sad & lonely. Including shigure. 

-Standing Still while everybody moves on:

Kana moved on & married. Yet, Hatori stood still, time has passed, his heart healed, but his mind didn’t. He condemned himself into life long confinement next to his abuser, like a robot, always within Akito’s reach, always on call. One day he’s out picking up a book, didn’t even intend to!, then he gets scolded for daring to go outside his virtual cage. First time he went to take the book, he was tricked by Shigure, but the second time he went on his own volition. He wanted an excuse to escape. Mayu, too, stood still as time passed, still feeling guilty abt loving hatori. still held by the past. She’s too aware that her emotions were once one-sided that she fears taking a step forward.

-Shigure’s “Steal Him!!!” advice:

“steal him” as if hatori is a helpless toy. This is very interesting insight into shigure’s mentality:

(a) Maybe Shigure only said that to urge Mayu to do sth for herself. he’s playing the role of the author putting characters in situations & watching how they react & how things unfold. It also shows a kind of sickening delight he has upon watching dramatic situations. Then..don’t we all love drama?.but i dare hope that we don’t instigate it.

(b) Maybe Shigure really wants Mayu to “steal” hatori cuz that’s how he wants to do with Akito. He wants to steal her from Kureno. By stealing he means play the tricks of seducing & manipulating the situations to his/her favor. This puts a whole perspective into the already know fact of shigure not justifying his actions of manipulating others for his gain. He loves Akito & for the name of love, he shall do what he needs to do. Including using others. If shigure wants sth, he reaches out & takes it. If he can’t, he’ll play dirty until he can. He truly wanted Mayu to follow his footsteps to gain hatori. Maybe he wants to feel that he’s not the only one tainted by loving someone who doesn’t love them back equally. Cuz afterall Mayu is his shoes now. I can’t confirm if Akito doesn’t love/never loved/stopped loving Shigure romantically, it is not shown yet. but what is shown is that Shigure’s world orbits around Akito. He’s not affected by the curse, or traumatized, but he is so in love with her & will be damned if he won’t crush the entire sohma system so she can be his. I duno how I feel abt his dedication tho. I love how morally grey it is. i duno how much toxicity is weaven into their relationship. Akito’s perspective is needed before I could make an opinion. But I’ll say this, he’s scary when he doesn’t get what he wants & he’s scarier when he feels no guilt over stomping over others to reach his goal. if Mayu, actually “stole” hatori, then she’ll have to stomp all over a kind unsuspected friend whose fault is that she’s in the way. I’m glad Mayu isn’t didn’t steep low in the name of love.

-Shigure’s “lets date” suggestion:

I love this suggestion!!! Mayu & shigure both established that they have no romantic feelings to each other. Then why date? cuz they’re both damn lonely! he’s also bored but I believe he’s masking his loneliness as well. We all grew up believing I’ll crush on someone, get asked out, date, fall in love & that’s how things always happen. NO. Often times (for me at least), everybody around me follows the above sequence & i find myself behind, so alone that I so much yearn for a romantic hand touch. Often times You find yourself accepting blind dates, coffee invitations from ppl you have no feelings for..cuz you’re so lonely & waiting for the spark between you two that means you’ve crossed into sth that could blossom romantically. Personally, This is one of the most relatable feelings in furuba. They date..but the spark never comes. He’s cold..so cold that he might as well be not there. Kana/hatori walk outside, talk together, she only needs two finger faintly touching his sleeve to get his full attention. Mayu/shigure stay inside, each is absorbed individually, he’s in a book, she’s watching her crush. she tries for his attention, he doesn’t even raise his head from his book. Mayu got the lesson: “I won’t date someone cuz I feel lonely anymore. It’ll only make me lonelier”.

-Mayu’s wish vs Mayu’s wish:

Mayu’s wish that Kana/hatori be happy is interesting. It isn’t only cuz she wants her dear friend to be happy. She genuinely does. But Mayu’s wish has a tragic layer to it. She wants them to be happy to prove to herself that she has no chance. that even if she took shigure’s advice & tried to break them, she can’t. That no matter how she tried she can’t have him. cuz she’s not kana. No way, he’ll leave kana & choose her. So, please you two be happy, so happy & prove me right for staying away, prove me wrong for daring to wish for him. But her wish fails. Their love ends. It breaks Mayu so much, that she doesn’t care for the reason, the outcome of them breaking up is the most tragic thing. She leaves. Kana heals. Kana wishes the most heartbreaking wish of all. “I wish you end up with hatori, mayu, he suits you” oh poor Mayu’s heart. how devastating it is to hear that?! the woman who went thro a horrible nervous breakdown cuz she loves hatori so much, now wishes him to be with her best friend. The writer is ruthless. I was as tearful as Mayu in that scene.

-The Anime’s Trope of “Interfering for a friend”: (done right!)

When a precious friend/loved one is in a state of deep depression, normally family/friends try to interfere to help. often ppl are too lost to help themselves. But whoever was on that state of depression or have a loved one in that state knows that it’s nothing like the movies/dramas make it out to be. It is not “hey friend, do this & that & you’ll be happy”. It is not “hey friend, check into this hospital & be healed”. It is not “hey friend, take this punch or that kick & this slap, be healed by the magic of healing violence” NO. It is nothing at all like all these shitty climax in films & drama. It’s a process that requires time, patience & above all honesty & frankness. Hatori is going thro depression, but time has done its duty of distancing him frm the core issue (kana), next both Shigure/Ayame talked to him in SE01, lake ep, to let him know that they’re frustrated abt his situation, trying to let him see hope. Then shigure from afar creates an opportunity for hatori. if hatori chooses to grap on, its his call. No force. No violence, No cheap thrills. This is by far my fave aspect abt this ep. The logical & realistic approach to helping someone taking into consideration the reality of his depression & his character. You rally forget this is an anime!!!! I’ve never seen this before! I love to so much! The amount of respect this author has for the characters’ mental state & the logical development of such situation in real life is brilliant!! You don’t watch furuba for redundant anime tropes or drama thrills. you watch traumatized characters handled with realistic development & logical progression. Hatori wasn’t healed simply cuz he asked Mayu out. He’s walking towards healing by accepting shigure’s help. by actually seizing the opportunity his friend offered him. it is just the start for him but we saw glimpses from the future. He made it!

Side Notes:

Shigure’s “ he liked you well enough” to Mayu was a true evaluation of Hatori’s feelings at that time. Hatori was in love with Kana. He also liked Mayu cuz kana made sure to gush abt her. Shigure’s words are meant to encourage Mayu that you’re not a stranger to hatori, you can build sth with him. starts from the friends base & see how things go from that.

I like that they flat out showed us Mayu/hatori’s future together as a couple without ambiguity. she’s in her short hair signalling change. Their story isn’t tied by the plot, or anybody. It can be free. It can be happy.

I’m sorry but Mayu cutting her hair is a crime! T_T. That magnificent hair!! All the cute her do’s. It’s okay..I’ll be happy once it’s yuki’s turn to cut his Akito’s-look-alike hair. He deserve it!

I love how the writer didn’t put women against each other!! (a)Mayu didn’t sell her friendship for a man who didn’t love her. (b)kana wasn’t insecure in her relationship with hatori that she was eying her female friend all the time. (c)Kagura, before realizing her one-sided love, didn’t do anything to tohru despite seeing how much kyo is falling for her!! Kyo falling in love with tohru isn’t tohru’s fault & kagura didn’t hate her for it! (d)tohru herself, despite seeing how toxic kagura’s affection was, didn’t actively seek to break them in order to “save” kyo ! that’s not her duty. Kyo can save himself & kagura can realize her mistake. It is sth they need to do for themselves!! brilliant & unique approach in handling woman’s relationship! LOVE IT!

[lycorogue]

Kyoru Week: Day 3 - Selfish

Whoot! Check out who got their story done before midnight!

This story partially inspired by the AJR song “Turning Out” I might have to write a full fic based off this song....

UPDATE: You can also read the story on AO3, on FFN, and on DA

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A Greedy Night Under The Stars

Spoilers: Story takes place roughly around manga Vol. 19/20 and references the full story of Kyoko’s death Romance Level: Mutual Pining and Self-Hate Word Count: 1145 Summary: Kyo and Tohru spent an evening on the roof talking and star gazing, and now they each hate themselves for it.

I couldn't look at my mother's picture. Not that morning. How could I? I had forgotten to say goodnight to her the night before. After the accident, I had promised her that I'd never forget to wish her goodbye again, and yet I did. I failed her again. How could I have done that to her after everything she had done for me?

Yuki-kun had been out, and Shigure-san was cornered in his room by Mitchan-san; forcing him to work on his manuscript. It was just me and Kyo-kun. He had helped me hang the laundry, and then climbed up to his spot on the top of the roof. I had joined him, and we watched the stars together, lazily talking about the day. He had filled out over the years, and his hair wasn't as shaggy as it once was. Even so, the light in his eyes were just as dazzling when he talked about something he was excited about. We laughed, and stayed up much too late. Kyo-kun had to help me back down the ladder and escort me to my bedroom. I had told him goodnight, but then I stripped for bed and collapsed into it. I passed out without saying goodnight to Mom.

It was more important for me to say goodnight to Kyo-kun; to spend so much time with him that I would actually forget Mom.

How could I have forgotten Mom again? How? I should have thought of her. I should have honored her memory. I should have gone to bed while I was still awake enough to remember her.

I couldn't though. I couldn't leave Kyo-kun's side. I couldn't break away from his smile. I couldn't resist the satin-y tone of his voice. All I wanted was to be there with him. I wanted to spend all night on that roof. I wanted to spend all of my nights on that roof with him.

It's not fair to Mom though. She deserves better. I'm such a bratty child! It doesn't matter what I want. She gave me so much, and all she would ever ask of me is to love her back. I have to love her! When something good happens to me, I'm supposed to want to tell Mom about it, not spend all night talking to Kyo-kun. When I'm hurting, I'm supposed to miss Mom's advice and her fingers running through my hair to comfort me. I'm not supposed to yearn for Kyo-kun's arms and hate that he could never hold me while he's still cursed. I'm not supposed to want the curse to be broken just so I can nestle onto his chest! It's supposed to be so everyone can be free and happy.

I'm so selfish! Everyone thinks I'm kind, but everything I do is for myself. I've sacrificed everyone else; claiming I want to help them all when all I really want is to help Kyo-kun. And even then, it's for my own happiness. It's so we could maybe be together, and he could hold me, and I could see his radiant smile every day.

And now Mom is the latest victim. I'm letting her fade. I'm filling the spot in my heart she should be with Kyo-kun instead. I'm such a terrible daughter.

Kyo-kun said he'd be fine with me being selfish as long as it wasn't all the time, but it is all the time. I'm disappointing him too.

Why am I so dirty?

--------------------------------------------

I couldn't look at Tohru this morning. She wasn't looking at me either, and it was probably for the best. How could I pretend that nothing happened, that we were still simply friends? She had spent most of the night talking with me, hanging out with me, laughing with me. She treated me like a normal person; someone she wanted to be with.

Be with?! Get that thought out of your head! You can't be with her. You can't be with anyone. I was just fooling myself to believe otherwise. I’m just leading her on by pretending otherwise. I’m going to be locked away by the end of the school year, and I deserve to be. I'd cause much less damage in there.

I just don't want to be forgotten in there without having memories of her. They could keep me company; keep me sane. They would be proof that someone did care for me. I could fool myself with that. I could pretend that she could love me someday, and that I'm not alone in the Cat House; instead I'm just in our living room and I'd be able to greet Tohru home at any minute.

I'm so greedy. I'm trying to gobble up as much time with Tohru as possible so I can eventually lose myself to my delusions. What about her though? How can I build up a friendship with her, only for us to be torn apart? How could I see the soft way she smiles at me, or how she gets dangerously close to me, or stay up late to be with me, and keep this up? How can I hope that it all means she's falling in love with me? How could I try to comfort myself with dreams of marrying her?

It would break her heart to see me locked away like that. I know it will. I should be distancing myself, not selfishly grabbing up as much time with her as I can. Besides, even if the Cat House didn't exist, how could I want her, of all people, to fall in love with me?

Not after the terrible thing I've done. She's an orphan because of me. I did that to her! We could only sit on that roof all night long because I took her mother from her! She only smiles at me because I once again put myself first, and won't tell her what happened. She's supposed to hate me, not fall in love with me. How greedy could I be, to want to stay out in the world, and to want her by my side for the rest of my life?

I'm such a brat. It's a miracle that Shishou has put up with me for as long as he has when I'm this entitled. I'm the damn cat! Everyone is supposed to hate me! Isn’t that why I was born? Why does Shishou love me like a son? Why does Tohru spend an evening watching the stars with me? Why do I want her to love me? It's cruel! I'm so cruel!

I had hurt her so many times, and yet I want her to love me; be with me; stay with me. Do I even care what Tohru wants? What's best for her? How could I say I love her when I'm so focused on myself?

Dammit, why am I such a monster?

[jujywrites]

be present, be willing to love

This fic was inspired by a comment from Nekomancer on AO3, who’s been leaving stellar comments on everything in my Yukyoru collection and feeding my plotbunnies. omg i actually titled something on here and hallelujah, serendipitous-ly done in time for @polyshippingday ^0^

AO3

FF.net

or keep reading~

"Kyo-kun..."

He can't move. He can only watch as her eyes grow wide with fear, as she takes one step back.

"I'm sorry. Kyo-kun isn't... who I thought he was. I-I can't stay with you."

"W-Wai--"

“You're not worthy of her." Yuki is by her side now, looking at him with cold hate. "Of either of us."

This he knows; this is familiar. It clears the block between his brain and his body, frees his vocal cords. "Don't do this to me. You can't. Tohru, please!"

She flinches, moves closer to Yuki. "I didn't know you were a monster," she whispers.

"What?" He toward them, stares at his legs, his arms. "What have you been telling her?" he says to Yuki, voice rising. "You both know--!"

"Goodbye, Kyo." He takes Tohru’s hand and turns his back.

I'll never see them again. This can't be happening. He sprints after them, reaching out. "Don't you walk away from me," he shouts, and he reaches, and--

A pained cry bursts from Tohru. She collapses, a gash across her torso, staring at him glassy-eyed.

"No. Oh, no..." His breath comes in gasps; he looks at his hands and yes, they're claws now, and pain roars through him as his body mutates further. "I didn't mean to!"

"You worthless demon," Yuki spits, crouching over Tohru. "Look what you've done."

He can't feel anything but rage. At the animal inside of him, at the two who have never really loved him, at his own weakness.

With a scream, he leaps forward—

and crashes into the wall, body painfully human again.

He looks up at the barred window, pulls himself up to look out of it. Yuki is there, eyes sad.

“She wanted me to give you this.” He hands Kyo a pink ribbon.

His heart freezes. “Did I— she isn’t—?!”

”No. But she won’t come see you. And I’m not coming back.”

”Don’t...” He swallows. “Don’t you remember what you said?” That night. When you grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. He understands Tohru. He’d do the same. But, foolishly, he thought maybe Yuki... after everything...

Yuki smiles icily. His eyes have no feeling anymore. “What did I say?”

Thunder rumbles in the distance as Yuki turns away.

He doesn’t bolt awake.

One instant he’s staring through the bars at Yuki’s back, the next Tohru’s hair fills his vision. He slides up on the pillow; Yuki’s shoulder is barely visible on the other side of the bed.

He almost touches Tohru’s head before he remembers and draws back, fisted fingers cutting into his palm. He’s too dirty to touch her right now.

Stomach pinching, he leaves the bed and the room in barely a blink.

He can walk the path with his eyes closed by now but never does, keeps them wide and focused on his destination: the shelf in the corner.

The disconnected beads are in their own little dish, next to the worn hat and a picture of them all at the beach. He remembers for the thousandth time how Tohru had gathered up the beads after he’d ripped them away, triumphant. At first it didn’t make any sense, even when she explained why.

A fair amount of time has passed since then. It’s moments like these, rubbing his wrist, that he’s grateful she kept the beads. They’re broken apart with no string to tie them together; no chance they’ll spirit back onto his wrist when he lets his guard down.

Proof that he isn’t dreaming this life.

A chill shivers over him. He should have worn a top to bed. Not that that would make the nightmares stop.

“Kyo.”

He blinks, turns; Yuki’s standing at the door frame. He shrugs an “okay” at him and watches at he stops within arm's length.

“Was it the same one?”

He shakes his head, adds a “No,” in case it’s too dark to see. “This time I hurt Tohru. You called me a demon, and I hurt you too.” He smiles mirthlessly. “And then I ended up in the cage.”

“Why did you hurt her?”

His chest loosens a fraction at the gentle routine, tightens again at the thought that it’s become a routine in the first place. When Yuki first started it, seemingly out of nowhere, he'd bristled; old animosity turned the questions into interrogations, the need to have evidence of his nightmares. But soon he found that breaking them down, plotting them out, diminished their hold. If Tohru offered, he wouldn't let her; it feels wrong to have her handle this weight. A moot point, because she chooses to give him space. Whether she doesn't know what to say, or is afraid, or knew without thinking that was what he wanted-- the division works out, and they have a battle plan.

He curses his mind yet again. They would never let him fight alone, so why...?

He inhales deeply, lets it out slowly.  “Because you both were gonna leave me. She saw me... like that, and I wasn’t, and you said I didn’t deserve you, and I got so upset I... I changed.” His legs are shaking now, but if he sits down he won’t be able to get up.

Yuki’s hand is on his arm. He’s moved close. “Show me where?”

Another statement-question. Always soft, always the choice not to answer. But this one’s different: a chance to prove the illusion to himself.

He puts his hands on Yuki’s shoulders, placing the right distance between them. Then he curls his fingers, grits his teeth, and strikes at his left side, just under his ribs. His fingertips land softly, trembling.

Yuki says, “You can use more force.”

He shudders our a breath even as he digs in, scratching a line straight across; he can see the welts rising and blood but it’s dark but there’s blood—

A gnarled sound claws out of his throat and suddenly warmth surrounds him.

“Oh, Kyo.”

He lets out another weak, pathetic noise as tears run hot down his cheeks. Idiot. He can barely breathe to cry out loud.

Yuki has his arms around his neck, face pressed to his chest. “Kyo, I’m so sorry, I thought it would help, I shouldn’t have— I’m okay, you’re okay. I love you.” He holds on tighter and Kyo can only cling back.

“I love you, I love you, I love you, and I’m not leaving.” Kisses on his sternum. Dampness on his skin.

“I love you,” he chokes out.

“I know you do.”

He kisses the top of Yuki's head, then rests his forehead there holding still tighter, tears still streaming. He can't catch his breath, so he waits it out, absorbing Yuki's heat and the weight of their embrace.

Eventually the ache in his legs and his calmed heart and the itch in his throat all occur to him. Reluctantly he lifts his head from Yuki's and says, "I want to see her."

He meant to say he needed water. And that too, probably first, but he realizes that Tohru-- she could be injured and--

He shakes off the lingering dream-memory as Yuki pulls away carefully. "Clean up first?" he says, brushing fingers over Kyo's cheekbone.

A blush follows their path. Kyo wipes his eyes, blinking futilely. "Yeah." Then he leans in for a kiss, soft and lingering.

Yuki's smile is bright in the darkness.

They ease their way to the kitchen. Kyo gets a half-glass of water, lets Yuki clear away his tear tracks and does the same for him. Then, hand-in-hand, they return to the bedroom.

Tohru’s sitting up, bedside lamp on low. Her hands release the rumpled sheets as she meets his eyes.

In his rush to touch her, he stumbles, ends up with one knee on the bed and one foot on the floor and her in his arms.

“Kyo,” she murmurs, and the curl of her fingers against his spine is almost more relief than he can bear.

“Sorry I woke you.” The words come out on an exhale.

“It’s all right.”

Another routine, but the words never lose their meaning. Yuki’s hand settles over Tohru’s.

“Do you...” Her breath is warm against his neck. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

His mind says no, but he talks anyway again; about hurting her, badly, and the cage and her ribbons. When he’s done, they’ve separated into a line on the side of the bed. His hands have become fists again without his knowing. Yuki’s leg is pressed to his own while Tohru’s head rests against his arm.

Her sigh sounds fortifying. “Kyo’s hands...” She takes one in both of hers, and as she talks she eases his fingers open, her own stroking. “They’re powerful. But they’re so gentle, too. And always warm.” She kisses his palm, his knuckles. “Your hands protect me, and...” The sudden heat of her blush makes his hand tingle. “They make me feel good.” She clasps his hand to her cheek and whispers, “I love your hands. Like I love all of you. And I know the you in your nightmares isn't real. No more real than-- than the phantoms who wear our faces and treat you cruelly."

"It could have been me, though," he says quietly, all the energy gone from his words.

"Mhmm." She nods, squeezing his hand. "But the real you, with so much strength and control... you chose another path. All on your own. We supported you, yes," she said to his noise of protest, "but we didn't make that choice for you. We couldn't have." She sits up and leans over to kiss him. "And we're here now. Safe."

"Free," Yuki whispers. "We always will be."

"Then why won't the dreams stop. If I know all this. If I have you helping me. I don't deser--"

"You do," Tohru says, so fiercely he forgets to breathe for a moment. She takes his face in her hands, so close he can see tears on her eyelashes. "Kyo, you deserve everything."

Yuki's mouth on his shoulder rushes heat through him. "And we'll prove it to you. As often as it takes, as many times as it takes."

He shivers, head bowed to Tohru. "I just... I wish you didn't have to. It's not like I don't believe you..."

Tohru puts a hand over his heartbeat. "You know here, and that's most important," she says against his mouth. Her hand moves to his temple. "It takes a while for some things to reach here."

"I'll keep trying." He bumps foreheads with her, then turns to look at Yuki. "I will. I'll get there."

"Just keep being patient with yourself," he says.

After a few moments of quiet, Kyo says, "Let's go back to bed."

Yuki goes across the bed to his side, turning the light off on the way, and Kyo waits for Tohru to settle in. But she looks at him, and at Yuki, and doesn't move.

He's about to ask what's wrong when she says, "You should be in the middle."

"...Huh?"

"Seconded," says Yuki. "Only if you want to."

"I, uh..." It's not that he doesn't want to, but it's never occurred to him before. It’s his place, and Yuki's, to surround Tohru. Nothing they decided on exactly, just something that happened. It doesn’t feel quite right to change it.

"Please?" Tohru holds out a hand. "I... I want to protect you. Just this once."

His resistance crumbles.

"Tonight." He crawls to the middle, gets under the covers bit by bit. "But I like holding you too much."

She giggles, snuggling up to him as her turns on his side toward her. "That's why I wanted to try it." She reaches tight around his back, pressing in. "What do you think?"

Her lips against his chest make it hard to form words. "It's nice," he stammers out, face warm.

"Oh, maybe..."

She turns so her back is against him, and he finds his arms reaching to cover her shoulders like a scarf, hand searching for hers. Her hair is silky.

"I think this is better." Her voice sounds like he feels: soothed, heavy, a little wanting.

"Y-Yeah. This--" His breath jolts, pulse stuttering at the press of Yuki's whole body along his back. "This is good." He settles one arm behind Tohru's back so he can lace fingers with Yuki. "W-We... could do this more than once. If you wanted."

Tohru hums, wiggling a little against their hands.

"Sleep well, Kyo," Yuki says into his hair.

"...Thank you." It takes a moment, to get it out around the emotions prickling through him, but he does.

He tucks his chin into Tohru's hair and closes his eyes.

[minaminokyoko]

Captain Marvel: A Spoilertastic Review

Well, here we are. Our first female-led Marvel movie (unless you count Ant Man and the Wasp, which I kind of do because Scott was basically useless and Hope ran the whole movie like a boss, but too bad she ran the show on a dull, rushed movie). How does it measure up?

It's fine.

I'd coin Captain Marvel as good, not great. It's definitely a popcorn flick, in the same vein of Ant Man for sure in terms of where it fits in our giant pantheon of MCU movies. I'd rank it dead center, so slightly underneath Cap 1 and Thor 2, but above Doctor Strange. I think Ant Man is a good comparison for the tone and the enjoyment of this movie, although it does do more to characterize the main lead than Ant Man did for Scott Lang. To be fair, though, somehow they end up in the same spot for my personal rankings.

So let's dive in and see why.

Overall Grade: B-

Pros:

-Plenty of action. No shortage on that whatsoever.

-Lots of off-world adventures, for those fans who sometimes are annoyed that too many MCU movies are earth-based. We don't hit earth until about the halfway point and there are still some shenanigans then.

-The dynamic between Carol and Fury is a lot of fun. Larson and Jackson work off each other's energy very well and the banter feels fun and familiar without ever veering into any weird territory. Fury is just as effective as ever at her side, and it's before he becomes full on grumpy Dad Fury, so he's a lot less cold and it's fun to see.

-It was also delightful getting to see Coulson one more time, although it's a cameo, not a whole role as some of the trailers sort of imply.

-The female relationships are probably the strongest in the Marvel lineup, aside from Black Panther. Particularly Carol, her best friend Maria, and Maria's daughter. We don't see a ton of it, but it's just enough to put a huge grin on your face. It's very warm and endearing. I also like that Maria was not only a supportive best friend struggling to get over her loss, but she got to join the action as well, and it was badass. I really am happy with Marvel pushing forward to give black women more representation in the superhero genre. Too many folks think black women in film are only sassy best friends or baby mamas or Tyler Perry stereotypes. We love sci-fi/fantasy just as much as everyone else, and so I loved seeing two beautiful black actresses shining next to Brie Larson and Samuel L. Jackson. It lends the film a lot of heart.

-Brie Larson is relatively decent in the role. She has some moments better than others, but overall, she did a good job. It never felt like she couldn't handle the work of beating some ass, and she sold me far more than Gal Gadot did as Wonder Woman. Which, yes, I know, it's unfair and kind of tasteless to compare them, but I have to note it since I didn't care for the WW movie that this is what I was talking about with film presence. Gal Gadot, to me, looks like a supermodel wearing a Wonder Woman costume. To me, she never embodied the poise, agility, and strength that Diana has in the comics or in the animated series. I believed Gadot more during the softer parts of the WW movie, but she couldn't pull off the action because she just doesn't have the presence. Larson does, imo. She carries herself in a manner that makes me feel like she can kick your ass. She has a stance and a stature that allows me to feel her strength, and it's in line with other Marvel women like Widow, Okoye, or Scarlet Witch.

-My favorite part of the movie is hands down the "I'm Just a Girl" by No Doubt scene. Oh my God. I was internally squeeing and singing along with the lyrics while she kicked ass. I was so delighted to see them perfectly use that song that I already liked in high school anyway, and it just worked so well.

-I also liked the montages of Carol getting back up. That is a really, really important image for the girls growing up to see. It's not about how many times you fall. It's about how many times you still get back up. That's great. We fall and get dirty and scuffed and mocked and hated. But we still get up and try again every time. Love it. It's very empowering.

-The de-aging looked pretty good. Jackson is tougher since he's gained weight since the size he was back in the 90's but they filled in his wrinkles well enough. Coulson's looked better, although I did notice just it a tad bit during the stairwell scene, but overall, I thought it was well done.

-Gosh, her costume looks amazing. I want it. I want to wear it for Halloween. It's gorgeous.

-The sequence of the Skrulls acquiring her memories was very neat and uniquely done. Kudos.

-THE MOTHERFUCKING FIRST END CREDITS SCENE. Y'ALL. I SCREAMED. I SCREAMED AND CLAPPED MY HANDS SO HARD I HURT THEM. OH MY GOD. SHE'S ON EARTH. THE QUEEN IS ON EARTH AND WE SHALL ALL BE SAVED. SHE IS GOING TO TURN FUCKING THANOS INTO FUCKING PURPLE CLAM CHOWDER WITH HER BARE HANDS FOR KILLING FURY AWWWWWW YEEEEEEEEEEAH BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. Ahem. Sorry. I am really goddamn excited about that tiny piece of Avengers: Endgame because Marvel and the Russos have been so fucking stingy with details. We still don't know the plot. We only have that 30-second Superbowl spot and the Sad Stark trailer. I was livid they didn't give us a final trailer in front of this movie, but I guess with it a month and change away, they're just banking on us frothing at the mouth wanting more. Jerks. But anyway, yes, this fucking scene is mint and I wish I could rewind it.

-Nick naming the Avenger Initiative after her was a great cherry on top moment.

-I fucking lost it when Nick started singing “Mr. Postman.” Deadass, I just started listening to that song about a month ago thanks to that one famous Vine where those dudes sung it acapella. I was dying. You go, Nick. 

Cons:

-This movie overall has a bit of a bland taste to it. It's most revolving around Carol. The problem is that I think they were too chicken to dive deeply into who she is and her personality and her desires because they were afraid the feminists would complain that they made her too soft, so they replaced it all with action. Which is fine, some people just want a girl kicking ass, but I think it did Carol and Larson a disservice by rushing everything and doing drive-by characterization. The dialogue doesn't stick as well due to the bland flavoring, for example. If you ask me who Carol Danvers is, I can't really tell you. I can tell you what she does, but not who she is. I regret that probably the most out of everything. This movie is a bit of a vehicle than a movie where we discover who she is. We discover what she is, but not who she is. She's kind of just every tough, stubborn, smartass female lead you could see in maybe an Avengers OC fic on AO3. She really needed more distinct quirks and likes and dislikes, and I really fault them for cutting out her life on the Kree planet. It would have shown us so much more about her if we knew what her Kree life was like juxtaposed against her original human life, and it could up the stakes and help them sink it, and give more immediacy and concern to the dangers she faced.

-The villains were telegraphed. Again, people ding Marvel for this all the time. It's because they seem to struggle with balance. Often, the villains are thin to cut down the running time by not developing them at all. It's a shame. I've always found Jude Law very entertaining and I think they should have given him something to work with other than Obvious Bad Guy Pretending To Be Good. It was so transparent, much like the bitchy sister villain from Incredibles II. He might as well have been twirling a mustache. I mean, any dude who tells you your emotions are bad is probably not on the up-and-up. And it would have been better to see him and Carol square off at the end in an emotional battle than for it to just be a cheap shot and a joke. But I digress.

-While there was a lot of action, aside from the "Just a Girl" sequence, I will forget it all by morning. I think they wanted the movie to have mass appeal, so a lot of it comes across as generic. The stuff that stands out more are bits like finally seeing what alien Goose actually was or some of Fury's quips and the bits with Maria's daughter and Carol. The action itself is serviceable, but I'd have liked it to have more flavor if possible.

-Not outlining the limit to Carol's powers. This is going to be tough lining up with Endgame because she's so god-like we're gonna wonder if she just bitchslaps Thanos and that's the end. She feels overpowered without the chip limiting her, so I would have liked them to give us some kind of idea as to how she won't just wipe the floor with him in retribution in Endgame.

-Nitpick: Nick losing his eye to Goose annoyed me. People called it. I didn't want them to be right, but ugh, they were. It was a bit too silly for me.

-Nitpick: They really didn't need to waste our time with the second end credits being Goose puking up the Tesseract. We knew he did. You didn't have to show it, dummies.

-Nitpick: Was hoping for some 90's era cameos from at least one other Avenger, but no such luck. Damn. What a letdown.

I had fun, and I am eager to see her fit into the rest of the MCU. And I am also selfishly even more interested in Kamala Khan someday popping in as the new generation of heroes. Please, God, give me Kamala Khan. I want her and my son Peter Parker to team up and be the cutest superhero dorks ever. But until then...God help us all. Endgame is coming.

Enjoy the sunlight coming off of Ms. Danvers.

Because it's finna get dark up in here, my children.

See you in Endgame.

Kyo out.

[octranslations]

Dir en grey IN SITU - TABULA RASA DVD Translation

By DirengreyTranslation

02:15

-When your making a song, how do you normally start?

Kaoru; Well by playing the guitar, just kinda playing around, if something catches my interest then i start from that.

Die: From there, everyone listens together then decides what song its going to be, then we’ll add our own phrases, or Shinya adds his own patterns etc like  the guitar will be in this approach..

Shinya; Firstly I listen to the first impression of the song, then I create the drumming that I’m inspired to make from that, then its kinda back and forth.

Toshiya: While making a song sometimes the framework changes, there’s various patterns. About the way of the completion of it.. we each maybe have our own.. what would you say.. images. But until there there is nothing like a  realized completed form.

Die: If I put it into to words, in there, our thinking all collects so there’s like too many directions mixing together. But like that we’d be unable to do anything.Kaoru: to an extent_______?I’ll say something like “its this kinda feeling” or another member will say something like that, then from there it kinda changes, and we can see where its going. That happens sometimes.Die: So each member will take that, then change their approach, kinda turn it over and turn it overKyo: Even if I listen to the song and think uhh its this kinda song, they’ll change the tempo etc and the image of the song will change.( _____?) so I’ll just think “hmm that part’s interesting”. Its okay. If I enter into song making from the pre production stage then its all a waste. Even though they’ve finished the song, they may have have to redo the tempo.Shinya: If I think i wonder if  this is the A melody Kyo will come and read the A melody as a different part, then I make that the A melody.Kyo: The person who comes forward with the idea for the song first has their opinion as the main, if they go too off track, then well correct them butToshiya: In the beginning,_________? for my part, I’ll choose the part that had the best first impressionKaoru: Sometimes I think , well I’ve made so its okay like that, but recently I’ve been more like I should place more importance on that, and thinking like does it sounds like a phrase which is like “he has thought about it”. I like that kinda thing but in what this band plays there’s parts that aren’t like that like the first recording, I want to put importance on those parts too1013.05.15 shinkiba studio coast

13:13Kyo: Vocalists have to be seen on stage, have to talk on stage, ________?, that’s old , so i thought to reversely, hide myself, just express myself with my shadow, then I enjoy seeing how i want to perform? Its not like i think in my head “I want it to go like this so ill do this” when i stand there and do it am  i giving 100 percent?What ??ould i call it… hmm.. intuition? I have self confidence in that. I try it and then watch a video of it and think “of course, i did it” “of course, its interesting” I could express one more thing i wanted to._____________? so i just gradually do that.

Toshiya: I get nervous before concerts, i wouldn’t want to not get nervous before them. Standing on the stage and performing i don’t want it to become just like an everyday thing, I don’t want to make it normal. I want it to be something special. I want it to be like a dream.

(we have to think about that if hes still bad tomorrow he may have to go to hospital well, well let’s keep an eye on the condition of his throat today and see if there’s anything strange (something about if it hurts too bad for him to swallow anything?????????????????

15:21 Written on screen

“Yesterday Kyo took to the stage despite suffering from tonsillitis””The other members are increasingly worried about Kyo, whose fever isn’t coming down at all.”

”The other members held a rehearsal without Kyo.”

Kyo?(I think he says something about eating yoghurt and his throat hurting too much for something else?”)

18:44 (written on screen)

"Right after this performance, Kyo was rushed to hospital"Kaoru: At Studio coast, It was like we have no choice but to do it. Rather than thinking is he okay? it was more like, well its tough but lets work hard. There was a lot of that feeling. We didn’t sort of express a worried atmosphere.

Die: I was thinking that next time it could be another member. What if it wasn’t Kyo, but another member, they just have to do it. Its not that Kyo would get better. It’s the part of us that’s like “we’re prepared for war”, we’re always ready."5.20 in the studio"

"A rehearsal was held for the 5.24 Shibuya public hall live"(I can’t really hear this next part properly so its not all that they say><)Guy: Kyo feels like he wants to do it but we still don’t know if he can

Kaoru: If we can’t do it?Toshiya: I don’t want him to do it if its gonna be dangerous.

Kaoru: So we don’t need to over do it?

Guy: We wont tell you “You definitely have to do it”. You guys need to think about it yourselves.Toshiya: I understand his feels, of wanting to do it, wasn’t this a rehearsal to calm our worries? ___________?

Toshiya: It could happen to any of us, not just Kyo. With that thought we thought what should we do? as much as possible we want to think about what course we can take so that we can do it. And not just doing it, we want to do our best.The bands motivation, and the own persons motivation is also important, so if those all go together then we’ll do it.

Shinya: Its something he’d dealt with for 10 something years… so if it his condition is bad I think he should take a break.22:55

“Kyo, whose condition has recovered appears at the scene”

?????

Kyo:?The doctor said i had cured? but i still felt bad? (laughs) tours are often cancelled or postponed due to throat issues. It’s not that my body is too weak, its just overuse. So repeating that over again, it would have been okay to postpone or cancel the tour but I really hated the thought of “again!!??” Normally I don’t feel like that. The other members have memories of that place so they  told me not to over do it, but actually I felt even more than normal that i wanted to perform. It would be okay if i could put out 100 percent of my current self. I didn’t think at all about what songs to sing, I just sung what had already been decided. One of the songs that came up was Jealous, probably because when its come up in the past I’ve done it. If I had a choice I wouldn’t have included it, since I haven’t been able to rehearse, and being in my current state, I’m the main in that song aren’t I? Its just me singing.. its too much. Its like um, it’s not normal to go on stage without having practiced it at all

Kaoru: Until the end  of coast, that song hadn’t been included. 15 years ago at Shibuya hall we played it in an encore, though that was a different version, with the whole band, not the acapella version.  Then while thinking wonder how it would go, wonder if we could do it, I tried putting it out there. Well it was up to Kyo whether to do it or not, but he didn’t say anything so i thought, he feels like doing it and his feelings are forward facing, for the band __________?Kyo: It had been such a long time since I’d performed it, so I didn’t want to.30:52 Written on screen

"The tour in Europe started from Germany"31:37

"A sound check took place at the studio"

34:24Die:(in tour bus) This is only used in Europe, the ceiling’s so low

Camera guy: It is low isn’t it.

"During the tour everyone lives in this tour bus"Camera guy: The beds are that small?. So small!

Die: They’re so small right!Camera guy: So small!

Die: (outside the tour bus) When it’s been one month it’s a bit…Camera guy: So the longest you stay in the bus is 1 month?Die: Well, around 3 weeks. ______?fans try and climb it (the tour bus) that’s why there’s all these marks on it and there’s all this dirt. (cracks up laughing) We’re constantly using it throughout the tour so if it isn’t constantly cleaned it gets really dirty! Insects die on it and stuff.

Camera guy: This is the lounge. Is the bus the same every time you tour Europe?

Die: In Europe it’s normally this kinda of bus. Sometimes a newer one. This part is nicer? ____________?36:55

Die: This place is coolCamera man: Yeah it is.

Die: It’s different every time, the chairs.. and the sounds is,. closed voice rings out??______________? Here, its not that we’re cutting corners we’re just doing it more naturally… but Germany was the first place in Europe we ever played, in 2005, so it’s… how should I put it… like returning to our origins.Die: Today too, the lights and everything are being done by local people we’re working with for the first time. In Japan we have the same staff who always help us, they listen to our songs, and learn/ teach us?. But here it’s completely different, even if they listen to our songs to a certain extent, well, our world views are different, and we don’t win them?  But it’s interesting being completely different. Here, it’s not done perfectly____?

39:13

Kaoru: Ah, this is wrong, the final song before the encore is meant to be saku.Guy: Ah, that’s right.Kaoru: Didn’t you make this in Japan? Will it be okay..

41:06Toshiya: (pointing to arms of DEG hoodie) if I cut these it might be cool

Nora: Ah you’re gonna do it yourself??

Toshiya: yep!41:31

Toshiya: uh… Can i get another one?? (cracks up laughing)(are they calling Shinya’s top girly? I’m not sure..)50:15

"They weren’t performing that day so they did some sightseeing"51:48

Toshiya: This is really cool, I got a photo.55:17

Toshiya: For me, tours in Japan are itariritsu _______?tours overseas are for studying.Kaoru: In Japan everything is done very precisely, but overseas everything is much more lose.  like “about..”  I like that personally.

Shinya: Personally, my thinking is the same for both. Overseas is _________?Die: Overseas fans, and it’s the same for Japanese fans in the countryside, can’t go to our concerts often, so there’s a lot of difference with that. Because for them they don’t know when we will come again, or when they will see us again. The heart is different.Toshiya: ______?a world I’ve never seen before.while I’m fighting I want to try fighting.Kaoru: In Japan we often go to the same places, and we understand the ways of the place. But overseas we have no idea about the places, we’re really just going to do the tour… but I like that. I think if we knew more about the places we were playing then it would affect our concerts. and do something to our condition„

Kyo:I don’t like ____overseas I don’t dislike overseas tours, but I don’t like being separated from Japan? I don’t like moving around, I don’t like the food, I don’t like not understanding at all what?people are saying. Really don’t like it! (laughs) If I came overseas, and put up with all these things I don’t like, then did a shitty concert, I’d really regret it. So I think I need to make them the best.59:16

"What is Dir en grey’s unique weak point?"Kaoru: In a good way, and a bad way, our actions are a bit weak, we… what should I say… we often don’t have self confidence, but reversely, it becomes our power. If all five of us come together we can do all these things, but if we’re alone we don’t have self confidence. So in a good way and a bad way that’s like our weakness.________(also randomly)

Second dvd

39:00

Kyo: I’ve caused you a lot of worry this year. See you next year.

1:00:08

For you guys, what is an important source of negativity?

Kaoru: For me, how should I put it, choosing something that isn’t following someone else, or doing something just to go along with someone else. We’re doing the band like that. More than (______) defying people and from there kind of finding our own world, our own place. I have experienced these things firsthand, getting angry, losing your temper at yourself. It’s like a fight with myself, releasing what I’m aiming for(??) in regards to myself.

1:10:06

(written on screen)

"They arrived at the DOWNLOAD festival in England"

1:11:46

Die: It’s small!!! (when pointing to Dir en grey’s name on a list of the bands playing)

1:12:08

Toshiya: I’ve seen various things.

Camera guy: I think there’s a rest place over there.

Toshiya: Its probably going to rain.

1:12:24

Toshiya: We’ve stayed in America for one month before, on a tour. When I think about the first part of it now… man it was tough. But it was interesting. We were certainly young. No matter what I do it’s the same, more than material difficulty, when my heart breaks it’s like the end of everything. (____) When I think “This is bad” I feel like it’s the end of everything. (I think he then says something like “at that point if it wasn’t me could it continue”???) The reason that Japanese bands can’t make it overseas may be because of that. It’s really tough right (laughs)

1:14:31

(Written on screen)

"The staff check the equipment during the change over time"

”There are technical troubles right before they go on stage”

”There was a mistake in the harmony settings”

1:16:00

Nora: How long will it take you to play five songs?

Staff: We’re six minutes over

Nora: If we’re over six minutes can you play five songs?

Kaoru, Kyo: We can we can.

”In the end, due to the technical difficulties they had to cut 2 songs”

1:20:12

Nora: Good work

(laughing)

Kaoru: Wasn’t it bad?

Kaoru: Of course, I think I’m weak. Even if it’s like that(the technical difficulties) it’s like let’s do it. Thinking why did this happen? Would be strange. Talking about being uneasy, I think it’s okay if we feel uneasy. When I thought what is going on? It’s really the first time, what if it gets any worse? Then the thought “if I don’t take it somewhere to a certain extent then we can’t do it” was running around in my head. That’s how it was.

Shinya: Overseas, every time we go to festivals they’re inconvenient and firstly, the monitors(??) are definitely bad. But from that inconvenience we’re doing it and its okay. In a way like not assuming anything.

Toshiya:(_____) There’s no courage in saying, and I don’t want to say at a late time that it was fair(??)(or he may be saying something like there’s no courage in saying and I don’t want to say at a late time it would have been good to do it this way..??). Because the results appear there… yeah,  I didn’t do that, I couldn’t do that . Well there’s many times when we’re inexperienced or we couldn’t communicate properly. But anyway with those things, thinking what will we do next? is more worthwhile. We want to continue thinking like that.

Die: But I think the circumstances are the same for quality bands. But they’re still doing it properly. It would be strange if we said no, we won’t go on stage. There’s still a lot of (_____) in different parts isn’t there.

1:23:43

(Talking about travelling in the tour bus)

Kaoru: Some parts don’t put me in a bad temper, but there’s times where you can’t help it. Strangely, Going to a hotel is a bother. One day this hotel, then the next day a different hotel. Moving our stuff around each day. We don’t have to live out of a suitcase on the tour bus. And if we do that we run out of time (???)

(What do you feel is tough about overseas tours?)

Kaoru: The language barrier. I can’t speak any foreign languages. If I could understand, and speak the language then I could ask about how to go to places and stuff, but I can’t speak any foreign languages so I can’t ask. I can’t become more familiar with the places. Yeah, that’s the biggest difficulty.

(talking about previous days technical difficulties)

Kaoru: Everyone being unable to calm down, the members all go to the stage as quickly as they can, then while hearing that we can’t go on stage yet we were thinking what’s really going to happen?? (??) At the end we noticed our inexperience (??)(he mumbles something about in the members hearts then says “sorry”(this part was really hard to hear><))

1:25:41

(written on screen)

”They arrive at NOVA ROCK festival in Austria”

Toshiya: We came straight from England. Through Germany, France, Belgium

Kaoru: I’ve heard about that stage before of course since we’ll be performing on it I’m interested in it. How big it is, what kind of atmosphere it has etc. (____) No one’s here.

1:33:20

Die: It doesn’t feel like (we’ve played??) It’s tough.

Toshiya: How was it? Like this isn’t it. How I imagined it to be. It’s the same for everything, you need to hope.

1:34:07

Toshiya: What … what… what do I hope for? Well, it’s limited to what I’m able to do, so it’s just to step by step do what I can now. In the limits of what I am able to do, even if I have big dreams, life doesn’t really go that well?  (laughs) (He then says something about dreams?). If I live with this kind of feeling of fear (??) then I might fall but everyone’s lives don’t go better than what they think. I can’t believe that there’s a future I can hope for waiting for me.(laughs)Of course, there are some things I hope for.

Die: Playing on the third day of the festival the crowd was a bit tired. hmm not fresh? It was more (___) than the first time we played at a festival in Germany in 2005. I think we’re still in progress.

Kyo: Bands that do well overseas make the fans clap their hands, meet and talk with their fans, and make a feeling of being one. But originally Dir en grey doesn’t do those kinds of things. It’s not that we don’t do it because it’s overseas. I think thinking that if we don’t do those kinds of things then the fans won’t get excited is weak.  Even if we add them, I don’t want to get too absorbed into that kind of thing. It’s kind of like a conflict. But we have to, and there’s also the fact that the lyrics are in Japanese. I think there is also that aspect so I think its okay like this.

1:37:56

Kaoru: We’ve been touring overseas for 5 or 6 years now and to a certain extent there are parts that are the same, pragmatic parts. I think we need to consider how we can expand those parts. Of course we want to play overseas but in doing so we have to balance many things. There are many difficult and strict parts.

Die: Playing overseas, including when we do solo shows I want to do more with the stage, lights etc. I also want to show overseas what we show on tours in Japan. We still haven’t done that. I think we’ll return to Japan with well-informed/detailed thoughts.

Shinya: I wish that we could soon be able to play overseas like we play in Japan. Toshiya: I think there’s no welcome for Japanese culture. That’s something I’ve thought from going and seeing for myself. I think we’re maybe currently at a crossroads of do we continue holding on to our past heritage or do we carve out a new road.

Kyo: Personally I think if we found a band with the same kind of atmosphere and world view, I’d like to tour with them. But there isn’t really any. Overseas it depends on (___) for me.

Die: I don’t have any goals for the future, how I want to be etc. I think it would be good if I changed more. So I hope I can steadily change.

Kaoru: I hope I can continue and continue giving shape to what it seems like I’m able to do and what I want to do.

Shinya: There’s nothing in particular that I want to do, or evolve. It’s more like I’ll just notice that I’ve evolved.

Toshiya: I want to leave in preparation things that are like it’d be good if we could do this kind of thing as a result after finishing something

Kyo: My generation… (??) I don’t really talk, or know the songs. (???) But I’m having fun doing it a real, raw way.

[badsithnocookie]

Contemplation

Awenyth woke with a start; was uncertain, for a moment, where she even was - and then, as she always did, remembered.

Tython. And then: Home.

Home, or the closest thing to it she was permitted. She wasn't stupid; she knew that the Council didn't trust her, that they were still half-convinced she'd come back more Sith than she was Jedi, and wasn't certain, some days, that they were entirely wrong. The eyes that stared back from her reflection, for example - no longer purple, flecked with blue, but a sickly, unnatural yellow that even now had never faded. Proof that the Force had warped her - proof that she had warped herself, proof that the heart that beat in her chest did so to the rhythm of a march out of sync with Tython's.

(The mirrors had all been removed from her fresher, for exactly this reason; she'd taken to breaking them in fits of rage or self-loathing, and the Jedi had tired of replacing them and of patching up her)

This morning, though, all she had was the warm, soft cocoon of early morning on Tython; of the sun creeping in under her curtains, of the faint sounds of the Temple grounds beginning to stir and the scent of the first meals of the morning being prepared in kitchens that catered to every palate on the planet.

Breakfast was plain toast, with a smidge of butter - half eaten, the pearjuice half drunk, and half meditated on as she sat alone in the refectory. She didn't remember dreaming, but knew she had - an unpleasant pair of circumstances on any morning, no matter how sunny.

(snow, she remembered, that had crunched beneath her feet, like bones)

-

'Would you like to talk about what happened on Ilum?'

Awenyth was lying on the couch, half ignoring the healer's words. The Jedi demanded she put herself through this spectacle, as though talking out what dogged her steps could do anything but convince them that she was fallen beyond redemption, broken beyond repair. Still, she was afforded small freedoms for her cooperation that she would never have received otherwise, and- if she was truthful, having company that didn't stare curiously at her retreating back was a pleasant change.

'Master Loren?' he added, after a moment - after she failed to respond, in any form at all.

'No,' Awenyth replied, after a long moment. She didn't want to talk about it; she knew that Kyo had made her own report, once she'd recovered, and that it hadn’t said anything pleasant about the state Awenyth had been left in.

'No?' the healer replied - his tone surprised, but not critical. The Force offered nothing; he was expert at hiding his aura and responses, and Awenyth mistrusted him all the more for it.

'No,' she repeated, closing her eyes.

I take it back.

-

The Sith, Awenyth could only suppose, had been an idiot. Or desperate. Or afraid. Probably an idiot. Charging after Kira alone, leaving her companions to Awenyth and Kyo - throwing herself into the fray, in defence of- what? The Seeds? Those foul, ugly things that caused such foul and ugly consequences, twisting everything they touched to a vile parody of what they'd once been.

Awenyth had seen their rot before - on Voss, at the rotten core of that world's dark heart. Their architect had lain dead at her feet, but she'd known even then that would not be the end of it.

Then what would you like to talk about?

-

Lunch was a sliced pearfruit, eaten over the course of an hour - mouthful after painful mouthful chewed and swallowed as though every movement were being recorded for inspection and posterity. Tython had never started to feel free, not in the all time she'd been here since, not in the way that it once had - someone was always watching, always listening, always waiting. Always judging.

-

She'd failed to report the lightsaber she'd stolen, and it had failed to attract attention; that, or she'd been allowed to lie about it, a test of loyalty and behaviour. Awenyth had stopped trying to second-guess the Jedi and their motives; they were as convoluted as those of Sith, as much as she knew that the Council would have taken that comparison poorly.

The Darkness around it felt baked in - felt soaked in, as though it had marinated in hatred and fear and anger for longer than Awenyth had drawn breath. It was easy to believe it had, too; the Wrath she'd known had lived far longer than any other of his foul race, and Awenyth had no trouble in believing that his heir would be little different.

(it felt far more right in her grip than it had any right to; it hummed, when lit, in a way that resonated with her far too closely, and she hated it just for that)

-

'I would like to talk,' she said, eventually, 'About Master Kyo.'

One of the few on the Council who didn't flinch when they looked at Awenyth; one of the few on the Council who hadn't been among those who'd sent her off to her fate, and who didn't simultaneously blame and punish her for, it felt at times, surviving it.

The healer, though, said nothing; waited for Awenyth to continue, and for a long moment, all that could be heard was distant birdsong.

'I left her behind,' Awenyth added, half to herself. She'd taken off, after the young Wrath - left Kyo, who was already bleeding, to deal on her own with the Wrath's hangers-on, a miscellaneous grab-bag of Imperial stooges.

'She- had faith in me,' Awenyth managed, looking up at the ceiling. The paint was starting to flake, in places; someone would have to repaint it before the year was out, and Awenyth wondered if anyone but her had bothered to even notice.

'I disappointed her.'

'Why do you say that, Master Loren?'

'Because I-

I take it back.

did,' she finished, uncertainly.

-

snow, she remembered, and ice, and starlight

-

'Master Kyo worries about you.' A statement, made as neutrally as the healer could; concern slipped in and out of his tone, though she had no idea how genuine it was.

Awenyth wasn't surprised - by either the words, or their content. Kyo was better than some on the Council - more willing to get her hands dirty, to admit what needed to be done and to get out on the ground and do it. She cared, which was more than could be said of some - and unlike so many, didn't see that same caring as a weakness, as a flaw.

(it had been, it could be; Awenyth knew her greatest failing had always been that she cared, perhaps - at times - too much)

'The Council worries too much,' she replied, though, 'About all the wrong things. They flinch at imagined shadows,' she added, scowling, 'All the while ignoring the real darkness.'

'I said nothing about the Council,' the healer replied - adding, 'Would you prefer to talk about them?'

'All they do is talk,' Awenyth harrumphed, immediately scowling. 'If they did any more than that-

-

and bones, she realises - glistening beneath the ice, scoured of all trace of flesh and sinew-

-

A gaggle of padawans who had no idea who she was stared at her all through the evening meal; poking each other and whispering questions, risking glances when they thought she couldn't see them and giggling over some unheard speculations.

They would have been sent to her for training in combat, once; she'd have taken them apart, inch by imperfect inch, and lain bare the flaws in their technique (in their attitude, in their bloated, prideful egos)

but that was why, despite her station, all she was allowed to do was watch.

-

-they might risk actually achieving something.'

An old grudge, an old hate, that she found impossible to let go. None of them had risked themselves; she'd been expendable, or so it had felt when she'd been the one caked in blood and sobbing while her dignity circled in the fresher drain and a Sith prowled the corridors of her ship-

-

She fought anyway - found a sparring droid and a training blade, broke every rule that the Council imposed on her as though it might not do more harm than good, and tried to find the place in battle that she'd found her peace. It was an exercise in fruitlessness, though; with no real threat, her mind refused to focus, and her body was thrown off its rhythms and out of sync.

It was only when she felt the staring, though, that she finally stopped - and turned, and glared, rounding on the intruder as if they were an invading Sith.

They weren't, though - just a padawan, one of the gossips who'd stared at her so warily at the evening meal; who stammered in awe and warbled an apology and, when Awenyth did nothing but glare angrily, bowed and turned and fled.

(she wondered, as they left, if she wouldn't yet regret every single one of these decisions)

-

'Well,' the healer was saying, 'It sounds like you still have a way to go, Master Loren. I'm sorry to hear that you fared so poorly on Ilum.’

Awenyth didn't reply - just stared at the peeling paint, wondering if there was anything hiding underneath it worth seeing, or if what lay beneath was as inconsequential as what had replaced it.

'I would like to speak with you again tomorrow, Master Loren. With your permission, of course.’

'Sure,' Awenyth replied, eventually. It wasn't like she could go anywhere. 'Why not.'

-

There was a silence in the dark of night she found almost comforting; almost peaceful, even if she hadn't known peace in what felt like two lifetimes. Not that it was a lie; the Sith were wrong about that, at least. (And if they're wrong about that, she always tried to tell herself, it's proof they're wrong about so much else.)

It was a trial, though, and one she felt singularly unequipped to pass, at least when standing in the unforgiving light of day. Here, though, swaddled in darkness, with not so much as moonlight, she could find if not a kind peace, then- at the very least, a comforting sort of lie.

There is no emotion. There is no peace. It wasn't much. But it would have to do.