#I hate harry potter never bring it up around me

[hollowstarchaser]

Sorry but this idea that the marauders fandom is "responsible for keeping Harry Potter relevant" is so out of reality for me

the majority of the people that go to give more money to JKR have never read a fanfiction in their lives, and they probably don't even know about what she does on twitter or don't care about what the authors of the books they read do or are just indifferent or hate us trans people so they don't give a fuck and continue to engage with the official world of hp.

I understand wanting to personally step away from the fandom because she's such a piece of shit that you just don't want to engage with anything she started, but to try to guilt trip fanfic authors seems a bit much and also out of anything based in reality as I said... the cultural influence of Harry Potter is not based on the gay fanfictions online, that franchise has whole themes parks for it and a whole TV show that is gonna be promoted heavily, be serious! the problem is not the fanfictions online, she's extremely rich she's gonna keep promoting her works and lots of people aren't going to care about what she does or they may even start supporting the books only because she's transphobic

I feel like instead of trying to shame queer and trans people that write fanfictions and made up their own version of that world and made it the most queer version they could create, we should focus on shaming the politicians and judges that let themselves be bought by transphobic pieces of shit and also those politicians that are not speaking out about it??? while I do think we should absolutely also keep boycotting jkr by not giving her more money and I've been doing this for years since I learned what she really thought, at the end of the day the politicians that make the rules hold the real power and I feel like we get distracted by shaming each other instead of focusing on the main problem which is the governments in power... we should think more about going to protests and pestering THEM with our disappointment

Idk I find it ridiculous to be harassing other queer people because of this, it's just more pointless hate and infighting that doesn't bring anything positive! from what I've seen most of the marauders fans have been actively against her, have not interacted with stuff that gives her actual money and are trying to boycott her by not buying official merch etc etc they are way more aware of what she does than random normie fans that keep buying harry potter themed shit around the world... Exactly because the marauders fans are mostly queer people that honestly made up a whole other universe from what I consider just a smidge of her input at this point. I really don't think it's a fair assessment to say they're responsible or even "the main reason why Harry Potter is still alive"... That's just a lie

[allthesmutl0vers]

Smutty Harry Potter Headcanons (F! Reader)

MDNI. 18+. Heavy Smut.

Requests Are Open- Please Send Requests

Request: Not a request, just drabble.

Summary: How the characters would react to you teasing them while wearing a short skirt.

Pairings: Harry Potter/F!Reader, Ron Weasley/F!Reader, George Weasley/F!Reader, Fred Weasley/F!Reader, Draco Malfoy/F!Reader.

TW: Smut, Sexual References, Fingering, Oral (M! and F! receiving), Dom/Sub Relationships, Edging, Primal Play, Choking, Claiming, Hair Pulling. (No use of Y/N)

Smut Below⬇️🌶️

Harry Potter

You’ve been teasing Harry all day, bending over just enough to barely give him a peak of the apex of your thighs. When he finally manages to corner you in the hallway, he pulls you into an empty classroom with a hand covering your mouth. 

“Shh, don’t want to go giving our secret away now, do you?” Harry chuckles darkly as his hand roams under the front of your skirt as he clutches you tightly from behind. “Mm-mm,” you shake your head, unable to speak under his hand. Harry groans as his fingers pull your panties to the side, slipping a finger between your folds and circling your clit. “So wet for me. Does teasing me get you off, little doe?” he whispers in your ear. You nod against his hand as he slips a finger in your entrance. “Then bend over the desk and spread your pretty thighs for me so I can give you what you’re so desperate for.”

Harry eats you out like a man starved, his tongue flicking and licking your clit, drawing out whimpers that, to anyone else, would make them think you’re dying. And in a sense, you are. The way he thrusts his fingers inside of you as he laps at your clit could send you to heaven or drag you to hell. Either way, you’re just praying he doesn’t stop.

Ron Weasley

Ron acts shy around others, but you know just how possessive he can be. And you intend to draw it out any way you can. You know how much he equally hates and loves your silk tennis skirt. He’s told you countless times never to wear it without tights to prevent anyone else from catching a glimpse at what’s his. So when you saunter down the stairs and sit on his lap with fishnets underneath it, you know you’re in for it. Good thing nobody is home at the burrow for the moment. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” He asks as you sit down on his lap, facing the fireplace. You turn your head to look at him over your shoulder, giving him the best innocent look you can as his hands grip your thighs. “Nothing at all,” you respond with a smirk. “Did you forget the rule for this skirt already, angel?” Ron teases. “You know not to wear this without stockings,” Ron warns you. “I’m wearing stockings,” You smile smugly. Ron chuckles darkly, and you know you have him right where you want him. But what you don’t expect is for Ron to reach under your skirt and rip your fishnets apart at your crotch. You let out a soft gasp as his hand cups your pussy. “Ron…” You whine. “My stockings,” Ron chuckles as his free hand wraps itself in your hair and pulls your head back to his shoulder. “Pathetic excuse for stockings,” he taunts as he thrusts two fingers into your entrance. “Now cum on my fingers, angel, and maybe I’ll buy you new ones.”

Ron isn’t gentle as he brings you right up to the edge and throws you over. Over. And over. And over again until you’re begging him to have mercy on you. But you knew what you were getting yourself into when you flaunted yourself in front of him, as he not so gently reminds you. Only when you’re a shaky, sweaty, whimpering mess does he finally withdraw his fingers, bringing them to his lips and sucking your cum off of his fingers and demanding you to change before his brothers get back. Because god forbid anyone else see the mess he turns you into.

George Weasley

George is always the life of the party. Especially when Gryffindor wins a quidditch match like they did today. It’s also a surefire way to know you are going to get a reward for being his favorite cheerleader. You grind your ass against his crotch as you dance and drink, feeling him growing harder under his pants. You know how much he loves when you dress a little slutty. He knows he doesn’t have to worry about other people looking because he made damn sure to ruin sex with anyone else. You bend over slightly, arching your back as you grind against him during an especially sultry part of the song. When he can’t take the teasing anymore, he drags you to his dorm, locking it and slamming you against the door as he smashes his lips to yours. 

“Merlin, woman. You drive me crazy,” he groans as he lifts your skirt. “Almost as crazy as this sweet pussy makes me,” he groans, kneeling in front of you and keeping you pressed against his door. He rips your panties down and makes you let out a loud gasp as he shoves his face between your thighs and licks a long swipe between your folds. “Georgie,” you moan as your eyes roll back and you grip his hair. George hums against your clit, sending a heavenly vibration right to your clit, bringing you right to the edge. You whimper at the loss of his tongue when he pulls back and stands up, licking your juices from his lips. “Impatient, aren’t we?” He taunts with a smirk as he pulls down his pants and kicks them off to the side. You nod and moan as he lifts your leg, and his tip pushes against your entrance. “Fuck, yes,” you moan as he thrusts inside of you, your eyes rolling back as his cock stretches you and hits that perfect spot inside. “Give me your eyes,” he moans as he pulls back and thrusts inside of you harder. You pull your hooded gaze to his eyes as he grips your leg harder. “That’s it, baby. Look at me as I bury my cock inside of you,” he pants. “Such a good girl.”

After he makes you cum, he lifts you without withdrawing his cock, sets you on his desk, and fucks you harder. You moan, practically scream, making him cover your mouth. As much as he loves to hear you scream, he loves to show what’s his, but nobody is allowed to hear the sounds you make when he makes you shatter around him two, three, four times. What he does like people to see? How you struggle to walk, let alone dance when you return back to the party.

Fred Weasley

Nobody can make detention fun. Nobody besides Fred, at least. You swear, sometimes you and he try to get detention in the forbidden forest just to get the chance to be chased around in the dark and plowed against the nearest tree once he catches you, and he always does. Tonight, you decided to make the punishment when he catches you even harder on yourself, wearing the shortest skirt in your wardrobe to tease him with on the walk down. Running through the woods, you wonder when he’ll catch you. He does every time, and this time is no different. But he’s extra rough on you tonight as he plows into you without mercy. 

Fred grunts as he holds your legs up, plowing into you as you clutch his shoulders. “Look what a pretty mess you are for me,” he moans as he thrusts into you again; you could swear his cock is ramming into your cervix with how deep it is. “Who’s pussy is this? Tell me, little one,” he moans as he grips your thighs with a bruising grip. “Yours,” you moan loudly. “Fuck, Freddie, it’s all yours,” you cry out. Fred moans as he brings you both right to the edge. He shifts, freeing one of his hands, and brings his fingers to your clit, rubbing fast circles as he continues to fuck you relentlessly. “Goddamn right, it’s mine. Now I want your screams. Give them to me, baby,” he moans as you clutch his robes. “Give me your screams as you cum on my cock,” he demands. His filthy words and the merciless way he fucks you send you right over the edge with him.

But he’s not nearly done with you yet; the night is young. He pulls you to your knees, shoves his cock into your mouth, and fucks your throat because that’s his, too. You love hearing him claim you, every part of you, as he takes you any and everywhere. After cumming down your throat, he makes you ride him, cumming inside of you again before he has finally had his fill, and you two can look for whatever thing you were supposed to find in this goddamn forest.

Draco Malfoy

Draco loves to fuck you before his quidditch matches and loves to know you’re dripping his cum as you watch and cheer for him from the stands. Today is no different besides the fact you’ve been teasing him all morning, bending over and twirling in the skirt he told you a million times to throw out, buying you new ones, but you can’t help how much it gets you off when he takes possession of you, jinxing anyone who dares to try to sneak a peek. Normally, he would take you to his dorm to fuck you before his game, taking his time and blocking anyone from hearing you with an enchantment. But not today. Today, he fucks you in the locker room, making you scream as he spears you with his cock after he comes down your throat. If you want to show off what’s his, he’ll make you show them just how good he makes you feel. 

“That’s it, princess,” he moans as he fucks you from behind, pinning your arms behind your back as you’re bent over the bench. “Let them hear just how much you love my cock buried in your tight pussy,” he demands, gripping your hair and pulling your head back with his free hand. A scream tears through your throat as your walls clench around his cock. “Fuck, yes! I love it!” you cry as mascara runs down your face. “What’s my fucking name?” He growls, releasing your hair to land a sharp swat on your ass. “Draco!” You cry as your ass stings, only serving to make you wetter. He pulls out to the tip and thrusts into you harder. “And who do you belong to?!” He taunts, making you whimper. “Fucking answer me,” he demands, swatting your ass again. “D-Draco!” you scream as your legs begin to shake and the tether winding tighter inside your core threatens to snap. Draco groans and tilts his head back. Normally, he’d kill someone for hearing your screams that are only meant for him, but right now, he’d have you scream in front of a microphone for the entire wizarding world to hear just how good he makes you feel. That he’s the only one who makes you feel so good. He flips you over, laying you down on the bench and thrusting back into you without remorse. “So pretty when you cry for me,” he taunts as he smudges the mascara running down your face before gripping your throat. “Now give me what I want,” he demands with dark, hooded eyes. You feel your walls clench around his throbbing cock as your back arches, and you grip the bench above your head. A scream tears through your throat as your whole body shakes, your orgasm ripping through you like a hurricane.

People stare at you, some whispering behind your back as you sit in the stands, watching Draco play. Any sensible person would be embarrassed that people heard them get fucking plowed and now have their boyfriend's cum dripping from their body, but not you. Maybe you two need to find some people who like to listen, maybe even watch, but certainly not touch. A shudder runs through you as you think about what Draco would do if someone tried to touch you while he was fucking you. You clench your thighs at the thought, would he kill them? Maybe. Maybe you should find out. God, what has he turned you into?

[lovegalor333]

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · .

im here

summary: you’re having a bad day so you call paige to come over so you’re not alone

content warnings: talks of depression

Most of your days were good now. You could get up in the morning, make breakfast, go to classes, study, eat and shower without any problems. But every now and then your brain reminds you that it has a chemical imbalance and you feel paralysed. Today was one of those days. Everything felt like a task that you couldn’t bring yourself to complete and that’s why it was 3PM and you still hadn’t moved from your bed.

You had woken up this morning with a familiar sinking feeling in your stomach and you knew immediately that today was not going to be a good day. You had tried to get up and push through but you physically couldn’t, it was as if you were chained in place.

Your thoughts were dark and overwhelming and you didn’t know how to handle them. You’re mind was telling you the most evil things and you believed it. You believed no one cared about you, you believed you were a burden, you believed you were better off dead. Even after years of battling with depression it was so hard for you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Your friends knew that you struggled and they always said you could go to them when things got bad, talk them, you weren’t alone, but you hated admitting defeat, you hated putting your problems on them. It made you feel weak, like a baby but you needed someone right now, you needed to be held and told everything was going to be OK so you called the one person you knew would be here in a heartbeat.

No less than fifteen minutes after the phone call, there was a knock at your door and it took everything inside of you to peel yourself out of bed to answer it.

“Bad day?” Paige asks emphatically as you opened the door to her. It looked like she had just come from a workout, clad in her UConn gear, hair bundled into a low bun at the base of her neck.

“Something like that.” You mummble in response as she steps into your apartment.

“Did something happen?” She makes herself comfortable on your couch which wasn’t out of the ordinary, Paige was a regular visitor to your place and had been since you first met in your freshman year.

“Just my stupid brain. I can’t take it anymore, it’s never ending.” You huff, feeling your eyes prickle with tears, “It’s exhausting.” You add and the tears begin to spill out.

“Y/N, come here.” Paige beckoned, tapping the space beside her.

Your steps towards her are small and slow, it’s all you can manage, if you moved any faster you might just drop to the ground and never get up.

You sit beside Paige and her arm immediately wraps around you in a warm embrace, whenever she hugged you, you felt safe and today was no different. She held you for a few moments in silence just letting you cry into her shoulder.

“I hate seeing you cry. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’re going to be OK, Y/N. You’re the strongest girl I know and you’ll get through this. These feelings are just temporary.” She consoles softly and you look up at her and even through your teary gaze, her face is radiant and glowing and her eyes are soft and comforting as they look back at you.

“Thank you for coming.” You sniffle, wiping your cheeks with the sleeve of your sweater, “I didn’t want to be alone.”

“I’m here and I’ll always be here, whenever you need me.” She tells you and her hand comes up to wipe a stray tear and it lingers on your cheekbone for longer than usual and your stomach flutters at the feeling.

Nothing had ever happened between you and Paige, you were just friends, really good friends and you didn’t want anything to ruin that.

Paige clears her throat as her hand drops to her lap, “How about a movie?” She suggests giving you a small smile, “I’ll even watch Harry Potter.” She says knowing that it’s your all time favourite film. She usually refuses to watch it, claiming she ‘hates’ it but you’re starting to think different.

“Really?” You ask taken aback at her suggestion.

“Yes, come on.” She stands up and holds out her hand for you to take and you hesitate a little because you never held hands but something felt different today and as you slip you hand into hers, she squeezed it slightly and your stomach flutters for the second time at your friends touch.

You get comfortable on your bed, gathering blankets and pillows while Paige flicks through Netflix in seach of the movie. You watch her intently from behind, her tall frame stood in front of you, toned legs slightly apart, her arms are crossed in front of her so her biceps are flexed perfectly and maybe it’s the low lighting of your room and the way it makes her skin look soft and smooth or maybe it’s your sadness induced state but you want to touch her, you want to feel your skin on hers.

“Paige…” You break the silence nervously considering your next words.

“Uh huh.” She responds turning her to look at you over her shoulder.

“Come here for a second.” You say shuffling yourself to the edge of the bed.

“What’s up?” She asks, coming over and sitting beside you, the bed sinking down under her weight.

You don’t actually know why you called her over and you couldn’t exactly say ‘I just wanted you close’, she’d think you were crazy so you wrap your arms around her in a tight hug and she doesn’t question it, she just hugs you back, her head falling into the crook of your neck. Her scent is sweet and vanilla-y and her arms are strong around your torso and your head begins to spin, “Kiss me.” You blurt out without thinking and you feel Paige tense around you.

“What?” She stutters, pulling away to look into your eyes.

You refuse to look at her, embarrassed at your desperation, “Um- nothing. Sorry, just put the movie on.” You say trying to move away from her but she still has her arms around you and she doesn’t let go.

“No, Y/N. Don’t apologise. I’m just- I don’t know, shocked.” She admits and you could be sick there and then, you’ve ruined everything with someone who cared about you deeply.

“I don’t know why I said that. Ignore me.” You mutter, eyes focused on your lap.

“Please look at me.” Paige urged, bringing one of her hands to lift your face.

Her blue eyes were beautiful and you felt stupid as you looked into them, someone like Paige wouldn’t dream of kissing you.

“I never imagined this was how it would go.” Paige utters, both hands now on your face, holding you delicately.

“What?” You ask stunned.

Paige had imagined you kissing?

“I always imagined I would initiate our first kiss.” She admits, cheeks flushing a light shade of pink.

“You want to kiss me?”

“Y/N, I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a while.” Your heart skips a beat at her confession.

“What’s stopping you.” You whisper, leaning your face closer to Paiges and that does it, in a flash her lips are on yours and yours eyes flutter shut at the feeling you’ve unconsciously craved for so long.

Her lips are soft and subtle just as you imagined, she tasted like fresh mint and as one hand stayed on your face, the other explored your body, trailing down your arm and then your back, you felt like you were floating.

Your hands did some exploring of their own, starting at Paiges waist and making their way up to her chest where they rested for a moment before sliding onto her arms, your fingers finally getting a touch of her skin.

The smile on both your faces was cheesy to say the least as you both pulled away, slightly breathless.

“That was…” She begins but trails off.

“Yeah…” You reply, equally as lost for words as the blonde girl in front of you.

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · .

a/n: i love soft paige 🥺🥺

[deadkaywizard]

Jegumas - Day 18: Stories - 626 words - @noblehouseofgay

Harry was refusing to sleep, he was too excited for the next morning when he would get to see his uncles Pad and Moon (he was still struggling with some sounds and most names ended up coming out shortened or different) to help them pick out a tree for their place. Sirius wanted a real tree, he was absolutely determined to have one this Christmas for whatever reason. Regulus on the other hand wouldn’t allow one in the house because of all the upkeep and mess. Instead he’d opted for a fake tree enchanted to look and smell real, ‘because we have class’ he’d said. 

Regardless, their son was beyond excited at the prospect of picking out a tree, cutting it down and bringing it home to decorate and was refusing sleep. They’d tried everything to convince him, they’d told him it would come sooner if he slept, they’d tried a glass of warm milk, they’d even tried driving around the block a few times to look at Christmas lights (which usually put Harry to sleep within two streets), but he was holding out. They’d finally managed to get him into bed but now he was demanding stories. 

“Papa, tory,” he demanded as Regulus sat at the edge of his bed. 

“Another story, little star?” He cooed, happy to indulge his son. He’d never tell James, though he was sure he knew, that difficult bedtimes were somehow Regulus’s favorite. 

“Pwease,” he pouted adorably. 

“Fine, one more story little one and then off to the skies with you,” he acquiesced as he always did. “What story do you want?” 

“Dada!” He exclaimed, wiggling excitedly. He wasn’t sure how, but one night Regulus had told Harry how he and James had met and since then it had become his favorite bedtime story. 

“All right, settle in,” he hummed happily as he fixed the blankets around the small boy. “It all started because of your uncle Padfoot.”

He told the story of the day he’d first met James and how he’d already decided he didn’t like him, but how over time and through the years he realized that hadn’t been true at all. He whispered secrets to the boy of how he’d tried for ages to figure out what was so special about James Potter of all people that eventually he realized he was special to him too. By the time he was finished Harry’s eyes were long since shut and small snores were falling from his lips. Regulus smiled softly at his son, kissing his forehead gently before standing to leave the room and seeing his husband standing there, his hand to his mouth and tears in his eyes. 

“How long have you been there?” He asked quietly as he got closer, a questioning brow quirked. 

“Long enough to know that you think I’m special,” he smirked, reaching his hand out to grab Regulus’s when he was close enough. 

“I married you, of course I think you’re special,” he scoffed, trying to brush off what he’d said as James pulled him against his chest. 

“You had a crush on me,” he smiled softly, cupping Regulus’s face in one hand. 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, I hated you for years,” he rolled his eyes even as he melted into James’s touch. 

“And I loved you enough for the both of us,” he bent down and kissed him softly then, it was sweet and full of all the love they felt between them. “Let’s go to bed, love.”

He led them to their room where they fell into bed, locked together in a loving embrace. The following morning Harry would go with his uncles leaving James and Regulus alone, Regulus was already planning on how they would spend that time. 

[joekeeryswife]

Outbreak Day - J.M

a/n: hello angels! reader is 26 and pregnant and Joel is 36. there is a little twist 😵 best way to describe this imagine is that it’s sad, long and has a shitty ending lmfao. okay anyways, enjoy reading 🫶 please send me in some fluffy requests and some dad! joel requests too!!

big trigger warning this imagine is very gory and descriptive!

“Sarah honey, is that you?” you turned to look at the front door and saw your step daughter Sarah coming home from school. “hey mum” she said as she set her backpack down on the floor. “how was school?” you walked toward her and gave her a small hug and a kiss on her forehead.

“was good. got dads watch fixed but everyone acting weird, cops everywhere, shops closing early. i don’t know just weird” she said making your heart pound a little, you didn’t know why but hearing her say that scared you but you tried not to dwell on it too much. “yeah well it’s probably just people being stupid. we shouldn’t worry too much okay?” she nodded but then groaned making you frown.

“dad told the Adlers i’d go over there to help them make cookies” she sighed, it wasn’t that she didn’t like the Adlers it was just she wanted to spend time with you and her dad as it was his birthday. “look, go there for thirty minutes then say i need you home, i don’t mind you blaming me.” she smiled and thanked you.

“i was going to make your dad a cake but we don’t have the ingredients and i was too tired to go food shopping so he should be brining one home, he’s going to be home earlier today as well” her eyes lit up as you spoke “is it a chocolate cake?” she asked watching you nod. “i didn’t tell him it was because you have been craving one i told him it was because i was” Joel hated chocolate cake but for his girls he’d do anything to please them.

“thank you mum, you’re the best. i owe you one” she said as she turned to go out the front door again to the Adlers house. “no worries honey, if Mrs Adler bakes chocolate chip cookies please bring me one, the baby is craving them like mad” you said as you rubbed your growing stomach. she nodded and said her goodbyes before leaving to spend the worst 30 minutes of her life with the Adlers.

-♡-

“hey baby girl. how was school?” Joel asked as he finally got home, four hours later than expected. “you’re late” she said, completely ignoring his question as her eyes shifted from the TV to him. you had both been waiting for him on the sofa watching Harry Potter and you had fallen asleep not even halfway through the movie. being pregnant had made you extremely tired so it wasn’t a shock to Sarah when she saw you put a blanket over yourself and curl up into a ball on the sofa within the first 10 minutes of the movie playing.

“i know, im sorry. work has been crazy, guys calling in sick, it was just me, uncle Tommy and Dave in today. i meant to phone mum but my phone died” he said as he made his way over to the two of you. his heart melted when he saw you sleeping next to Sarah, you’d never looked cuter. “its fine, we had fun without you anyways” he lifted up your feet so he could sit between you both, careful to not wake you up in the process.

“did you at least get the cake?” she said shyly as Joel got comfortable on the sofa. “oh shit” he put his head in his hands “im sorry honey i completely forgot” she nodded, understanding that he obviously came straight home as soon as he finished work. “mum is probably gonna kill you. she wanted cookies earlier from the Adlers but they were making raisin instead of chocolate chip so i didn’t even bother asking if i could bring one home for her” Sarah said and Joel wrapped his arm around her shoulders, his other resting on your legs.

“i’ll get you guys a cake tomorrow, i promise it just completely slipped my mind” she shook her head, indicating that it was fine and she understood he was stressed. Joel felt you stir and you woke up, your hair all over the place and your bones cracking as you stretched from a very good nap. “hi baby” Joel said softly as you looked at him.

he unwrapped his arms from Sarah’s shoulders for a moment so he could give you a hug and a kiss. “i miss you so much” you said as you sat up so you could rest on him instead of the arm of the sofa. “i missed you too. how are you? how’s the baby?” you nodded, still half asleep.

“fine, kicking like crazy” you were only six months pregnant and your unborn daughter was already giving you a hard time. you rested your head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around both you and Sarah, pulling you both into him. “did you bring home the cake?” you asked making him sigh “no, i’m sorry baby, i forgot” you shrugged, eyes closing again as you tried to fight sleep but it was no use.

“i love mum so much but she could have slept through world war 2 and not have been disturbed at all” she said making Joel laugh quietly, trying not to wake you up. to be fair, carrying this baby had knackered you out and he understood that you needed sleep but sometimes you would be halfway through a conversation with him when he got home from work and you’d be falling asleep whilst you were taking. “to be fair, you aren’t wrong there” he ran a hand through your hair gently as he admired you, you were stunning and he loved you so much.

“anyway, let’s try spend some time together tonight, let’s put on a good film, this is shit” Joel said making Sarah scoff and look at him “that is a lie. Harry Potter is the best” he shook his head. “take it back or you work get your present” she said making him gasp. “you wouldn’t dare do that” he said to her, making her give him the ‘try me’ face which made him quickly change his comment and apologise to her.

she grabbed the box off of the coffee table and handed it to him. he unwrapped his arm from her yet again to try open it with one hand without waking you up. he opened the box and saw his now fixed watched that had been broken for three months. “aww baby that’s so sweet, thank you” he kissed her forehead and tried to put the watch on but failed miserably making Sarah help him put it on. “okay now we can watch your stupid old film dad but don’t expect me to stay awake” she said as they both got comfortable again “i wouldn’t dream of it” he smiled at her.

-♡-

green and blue flashing light woke Sarah up from her sleep. she looked around the room confused, she had somehow ended up in her bedroom and didn’t hear any noise in the house. she sat up as she heard helicopters fly over the house and car alarms go off. she quickly got up calling out for Joel as she walked around the house but she only found you in bed asleep, no sign of Joel.

she felt awful waking you up but she had no other choice. she crept to the side of your bed and shook you awake. “mum, can you wake up please?” you jumped awake when you felt her hand on your shoulder. “what’s the matter sweetheart?” you asked but your question was answered when another helicopter flew over the house. “what the hell?” you said sitting up quickly.

you grabbed your phone which was on the bedside table but there was no service. “what’s happening?” Sarah asked as you quickly got dressed out of your pyjamas. you were going to go outside and you didn’t want your neighbours, if they were awake, to see you in your pyjamas so you put on a tracksuit before walking downstairs. “i don’t know baby”

you turned on the tv and heard the broadcast ‘stay home, do not let anyone into your house. we will post more instructions soon’ you frowned, what the fuck was happening? you checked your phone again, this time trying to phone anyone, your mum, your dad, your brother, Joel and nothing. no calls were going through.

the two of you jumped at the sound of Mercy, the Adlers dog barking at your front door. Sarah quickly put on her shoes and went outside to retrieve the dog and you quickly followed, slipping on your trainers. “Sarah i don’t think we should go outside yet. we should wait for your dad” but she ignored you. she walked outside, bringing Mercy with her to take him back home making you follow after her as quick as you could.

“Sarah please come back inside” you said but the curious girl went inside the Adlers house after she heard a glass breaking. “no Sarah don’t go in there” you sighed, you loved that girl but she did not listen. Sarah was quiet walking into that house, making sure to not make any sudden movements as she did. the noise was coming from the kitchen and she quickly made her way there and almost screamed at the sight infront of her.

you were right behind her, you felt sick to your stomach as you saw Mrs Adlers mum chewing on her daughter’s neck with some sort of fungus growing out of her mouth. your eyes widened and your heart dropped, what the fuck was going on? the once disabled old woman looked up at the two of you and quickly stood up screeching and running after you when you told Sarah to run.

you weren’t as quick as you used to be but you were luckily quick enough the run away from this infected woman, she had fallen over the crinkled carpet giving you enough time to escape. “Sarah we need to get back in the house right now” you shouted as you grabbed her hand and tried to pull her into the house but as you did Joel’s truck pulled up.

“get in the truck right now” Joel shouted at you both, he sounded scared and he was never ever scared. this made you feel even more sick than before. he had a wrench in his hand and he quickly pulled the two of you behind him when the screeching sound approached you again. you all looked at the front door to see the elderly woman fall over the steps of her front porch.

Tommy got out of the car with a huge rifle in his hand making your eyes fill with tears, you were absolutely terrified but you didn’t want to show Sarah that you were scared, if she saw that she would feel even more frightened then she already was. you grabbed ahold of her hand and tried to pull her into the truck but she wouldn’t budge. it was like she was frozen in fear.

the old woman’s head shot up, her eyes were black and she started crawling towards you then she stood up and ran towards Joel and Tommy. “what are we doing Joel” without a second thought Joel cracked the wrench on her head making her fall to the floor. you and Sarah both gasped at what he had just done. Joel was never a violent person and this had shocked you.

he dropped the wrench and they both turned to look at you and Sarah. both of your faces were filled with fear and Joel quickly pulled Sarah into him “you killed her” she said, voice filled with fear “i know baby i’m sorry” he kissed her forehead and looked at you. you couldn’t believe what you just saw. you were confused and scared. “we gotta go” Tommy said making you all quickly get in the car.

you were sat in the back with Sarah who hugged you closely “it’s alright honey, it’ll all be over soon i promise” you whispered and you rubbed your hand up and down her arm, trying to comfort her but also trying to comfort yourself. you could feel the baby kicking vigorously “are you okay y/n? you aren’t hurt are you?” Joel asked as he looked back at the two of you. you just shook your head.

you didn’t know why but all this fear made you wish you were back to being a little kid, wishing that your mum was there to comfort you when you were scared yet now you were the adult comforting your child and you didn’t know if you would ever even see your mum again.

“dad-” Sarah said but Joel quickly cut her off “i don’t know” he said like he knew what she was going to ask him. “they’re saying it’s a virus, some kind of parasite” Tommy added making Joel look at him. “does it come from terrorists?” she asked making Joel repeat himself “we don’t know”

“are we sick?” she asked and this time you answered “no, none of us are sick” Joel nodded “of course not” he sounded mad but you didn’t know what at. “why were they blowing things up?” her eyes were filled with tears as she asked all these questions.

“no idea, there’s no phone, no radio” her eyes darted between Tommy and Joel “how do you know?” she asked, voice laced with concern “what?” Joel looked back at the two of you, cuddled up together with you trying to act your calmest but he knew you, you were freaking out.

“how do you know we aren’t sick?” she was practically crying now. “they’re saying it’s mostly people in the city, that’s why they have the highway blocked off” Tommy said but he was quickly silenced when he drove past a burning house of one of his friends.

“the Adlers would take nana to the city, so that’s why they were sick?” Joel nodded “your right, that’s probably why” his thick texan accent was filled with concern but he tried his best to stay calm. “we are going to be fine, trust me” Tommy said but he sounded unsure of what he had just said.

he drive around the corner and quickly slowed down when he saw a small family. “what are you doing?” Joel asked and Tommy just shook his head “they have a kid Joel” Joel quickly cut him off. “so do we, are you forgetting that my wife is pregnant?”

“Joel Tommy is right, they have a kid we should help them” he turned back to you “no, we don’t know them. keep driving Tommy” he’d never spoken this was before and this was definitely not the Joel you knew. you just prayed that whatever this is would go away and you could go back to your normal lives.

-♡-

you were driving through the town, planes flying low, catastrophe everywhere and you were just scared. “right keep going down this way” Joel said as Tommy drove down a side road leading to a whole group of people who were fighting and running away from the danger. “keep driving Tommy” Joel said even though there were people everywhere.

“are you kidding? Joel i can’t just drive through a whole group of people” Joel cut him off shouting “just keep going damn it” cars were crashing into each other, the sounds of people screaming made your eyes fill with tears. the next thing you knew the cinema doors cracked open with a lot more people coming out of it, all of them crying.

“shit” Tommy said as he quickly stoped the car “go go, fuck Tommy go get out of here” Joel said as he looked behind him out of the truck and slammed his hand on the dashboard “i’m going, i’m going” Tommy started reversing back, careful to not hit anyone in the process.

Sarah looked out the back window and so did you, seeing the huge airplane falling rapidly toward the floor. “Tommy, you need get out of here” you shouted as the plane darted toward you. “fuck Tommy go now” Joel shouted but it was too late, the huge plane crashed on the ground exploding into a million pieces.

the huge flame almost blinded you, you felt sickened at the thought of all those people on the plane that didn’t even stand a chance. “oh shit” you heard Sarah say as a huge chunk of the plane crashed into you car and then your whole world went black.

-♡-

“y/n” you felt someone’s hand on your shoulder as you awoke from the darkness “y/n honey we need to get you out, can you get out slowly for me angel?” Joel’s soft voice filled your mind as you sat up, a sharp shooting pain went right through your stomach making you groan. “my stomach is killing me” you said as you put a hand on your belly. you looked out the window and saw Sarah sitting on the floor and Joel crouching next to where you were sitting.

“don’t panic, it’s probably nothing okay?” Joel’s heart dropped when he heard you say that, a pain in your stomach was never a good sign especially when you are pregnant. “can you get out sweetheart? or do you need help?” you just nodded and started making your way out of the car.

once you had gotten out of the car you stood next to Sarah and saw Tommy was on the opposite side “we gotta get off of the street” he said as you stood up right, you right hand still back on your stomach hoping to feel any sign of movement. “Sarah can’t walk, i’ll have to carry her. do you think you can walk?” you nodded again. “shit” you heard Tommy shout as a police car crashed into Tommys now ruined truck.

the car set alight and you were lucky you even made it out of the car that quick before it crashed otherwise you would have been dead and you wouldn’t have wanted your family to see that. “Tommy” Joel shouted as he tried to see Tommys face through the flames. “i’m okay, head to the river and i’ll meet you there” with a simple nod Joel picked up Sarah and pushed you behind him.

“stay close okay?” he gave you a quick kiss before you both started making your way through the side roads trying to find a way to the river. the two of you stopped once you saw a group of bodies with people eating them. “what the fuck” you whispered as you saw this horrific sight in front of you. one of the people shot up, looking at you twitching weirdly.

“go” Joel pushed you in front of him and you both started running through a random cafe. the man chased you, snarling and screeching as he followed. you could hear the man tripping over different things but you didn’t dare look behind you. you could hear Joel comforting Sarah who was now crying as you finally made it outside but you didn’t stop running until a gunshot filled the silent field.

you and Joel both stopped, turning to look back and the now dead body in front of you. “don’t move” you heard someone say next to you as a bright light shone on the three of you. “my daughters hurt her ankle and my wife is pregnant” the man lowered his gun and started talking to his radio “i’ve got three civilians by the river, one of them injured, one pregnant”

you couldn’t make out what the other person was saying but your thoughts were cut short when Sarah spoke up “what about uncle Tommy?” she questioned Joel just shook his head “i’m gonna get you both safe first then i’ll go back for him okay?” she just nodded and you all looked back at the masked man. “yes sir….. yes sir”

he raised his gun “we are not sick” Joel said as the man approached the three of you. “sir, i said we are not sick” with that the masked man shot a round of bullets and Joel heard you and Sarah scream. you all rolled down a small ditch and Joel quickly turned to look at the man who was now approaching him with his gun raised. “i’m sorry” he said but before he could shoot Joel another shot was fired, killing him instantly.

he looked up to see Tommy with his gun raised, he had never been so happy to see his brother in his whole life. “are you okay?” Tommy asked Joel who was just grazed by a bullet and Joel just nodded but Tommys eyes shifted to you who was covered in blood and gasping for air. “oh god” he said making Joel turn around to look at you.

all you could do was feel a throbbing pain in you stomach. Joel quickly got up and ran to you and Tommy made sure Sarah was okay and turned her away from you. he knew Joel wouldn’t want her seeing you like this and it was bad enough he had to see you like this. “no no it’s okay” he could see the blood soaking through your jumper, the once grey colour was now a soaked dark red and it was growing by the second.

“you’re okay, move your hand honey” Joel said once you’d moved your hand, putting pressure on the wound. you cried in pain as you still gasped for air. “i know i know im so sorry sweetheart i am” he said and he pressed harder on the wound to stop it from bleeding out more. you managed to speak through your pain as you grabbed onto Joel’s arm “go” he shook his head.

“go Joel, take” you took a few more deep breaths as you tried to calm yourself down “take Sarah and go” he just shook his head again. “no, i’m not leaving you like this. i can get help and you’re gonna survive this” he said, his eyes filling with tears as he saw your tired but pained expression.

“you know how much i love you, i don’t” you closed your eyes as you breathed deeply again “i don’t want you seeing me like this” you stuttered out. you felt a tear roll down your cheek as you realised what was about to happen to you. “meeting you was the best thing to ever happen to me” you could hear Sarah sobbing next to Tommy and you hated that she was even watching you, laying there covered in blood.

“i’m sorry” he said as he sat down next to you, he took the pressure off of your wound and you were grateful he had given up, there was no way you were going to be able to survive this and you didn’t want to prolong it. you just shook your head at his comment. “don’t-”

you felt pain all over your body but you felt tired, so tired that you wanted to sleep desperately. “i love you, i love Sarah. just take her and run okay?” he had tears now rolling down his cheeks, his bloody hand now stroking your cheek softly. “im not leaving you here on your own” you just smiled at him. you knew he wouldn’t leave but you wanted to save him from the trauma of seeing you go.

“i know” you looked at him and he kissed you, one last for however long he has left on this earth. “i love you so much” you heard him say and with that your eyes closed. he sobbed quietly, you were gone and nothing was ever going to bring you back.

you were carrying his unborn child and he wished he could go back in time and taken the bullet instead of you. you were this ethereal soul who didn’t deserve to die this way and he hated it. he hated it so much. he tried his best to calm himself down as he took your wedding ring off of your finger and put it in his pocket hoping to keep it safe. it wasn’t like someone was going to steal it but he took it off so he could have something with him that was yours.

he kissed your forehead and carefully placed your body back on the floor and turned toward Sarah and Tommy, he had tear stains on his cheeks but his expression was neutral. “let’s go” he said, he was emotionless “dad, we can’t just leave her-” he cut Sarah off “i said let’s go” with that the three of them left and never looked back.

[nettedtangible]

You know what's wild to me is Hinny actually had the potential to be a really good ship and missed the mark so fucking hard bc Harry could never stop staring at Draco.

No one else Harry's age besides Ginny has had any interactions with Tom Riddle/Voldemort on a personal level. And then she spends an ENTIRE YEAR with the guy and Harry never asks her one question about it? not a one?

And I cannot remember a single interaction between the two of them in POA, there's about a million with Draco, but from memory, all I can recall is something like "Ginny was even more shy than ever around him now after he'd saved her life last year" which doesn't really make much sense because he's the only one who could even come close to understand what she's feeling and vice versa. And there's not even 1 scene. One! when they're all chillin in Diagon alley and Ginny comes up to him and they talk about the chamber, not one. It could've so easily been slotted in there at Florean Fortescues while Ron and Hermione look at books or something. But no.

Ginny and Harry could've had a deep bond over 1. knowing tom riddle personally. 2. their fears about losing their own autonomy and sense of self in the face of such a powerful enemy and 3. almost dying together at the hands of said enemy.

But they literally never do. Draco gets scratched up by Buckbeack tho and we hear about 6 renditions of Harry teeth-grittingly mad that he's playing it up for attention.

Like consider this! Harry is walking down the corridor and he hears Parseltongue. He freaks out bc WTF?! the basilisk is alive?! He bursts into Myrtle's bathroom to find Ginny, broom in hand, trying to open the Chamber with the only phrase she remembers from her possession. And he's like wtf are you doing? And she's like, I can't let this control me forever! I'm going down there and I'm going to bury this whole thing once and for all. She's a Gryffindor and essentially Fred and George's prodigal heir to mischief. OF COURSE she would try to go back down there. And Harry would hate it bc he's definitely a ignore your problems until they go awayer

But he would take her down there because he would feel guilty, and protective, and curious as well. And they could actually explore and look around and he would realise that she's actually quite fearless.

(total aside but why the fuck was Harry never pulled out of class in POA by McGonagall like "come with me Potter, you need to open the Chamber of Secrets for us so the professors can go down there and make sure it's all copasetic." Like yeah, sure, just leave a potentially dead? potentially alive? Carcass of a Basilisk to rot down there why not?)

And what if Ginny has a really hard time with recklessness after Chamber. What if she starts doing kinda crazy things that put herself in danger because she refuses to be afraid. What if she develops a "saving people thing" that forces Harry to confront what his crazy brand of throwing his whole ass self at the problem looks like to people who care about him.

What if she won't stop talking to him about Riddle, and it's making him uncomfortable bc hey, that's the guy who killed my parents. and she's like yeah but you talked about his cheekbones for at least 10 mins the other day? and he's like... ok yes but have you seen his cheekbones?!

In Philosophers, Harry says you can't go through some things with another person without becoming friends (referring to Hermione and the troll) but I guess you can almost get murdered by a giant snake and your mutual weird soul bond enemy at the bottom of a giant well and that's not a bonding moment.

The entire sequence of events served to bring Harry closer to 1. Dumbledore 2. Riddle 3. Fawkes the Phoenix 4. The Sorting Hat 5. The Sword of Gryffindor

And not Ginny in the slightest.

Hinny could've been great but Drarry just came in with a chair and fucking bodied Harry so hard that nothing else could ever even catch his attention.

[fastbrother]

Detention (E, 1k words)

Harry spends his eighth year recontextualising his relationship with Draco Malfoy.

Tags: Only One Broom, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Fluff and Smut, Praise Kink, Top!Harry Potter

Author's note: Drarry one-shot I wrote for @kk1smet's birthday. Thank you for creating such wonderful art for this fandom, and for letting me use it here! K's original art post can be found here, and you can see more of her art at the bottom of this post!

* * *

They’ve been fighting since—well, since forever. But also since noon. The sky is dark now, and Harry has run out of patience. He turns on his heel, leaving Malfoy to scream into the void.

“Just where do you think you’re going?” 

“I’m going back to the castle. We’ll come back tomorrow.”

“Out of the question. I’m not spending another day—”

Harry can’t think of many things crueller than the detention McGonagall came up with for them. Another day stuck in the forest with Malfoy and he might just crack. But he’s already cracked, hasn’t he? He’s cracked about a thousand times today. 

“Suit yourself. If you can find unicorn hair in the dark, then by all means, go and find it. I’m going back.” 

And with that, Harry mounts his broom.

“Don’t you dare leave me here alone.”

“Then hop on.”

There’s a break, a little silence.  

“Fine. We’ll go back. But I’m flying.”

“Whatever,” Harry says, too tired for another fight. He dismounts, and offers the broom to Malfoy. 

The sound of crushed leaves fills the air as Malfoy comes closer, then grabs the broom in one swift motion. 

They get on.

Why did Harry think it was a good idea to only bring one broom? He’s uncomfortable, seated much too low, and has nowhere to put his hands. He hates not being in control of it, too. Malfoy flies with too much grace, a sin he didn’t know existed until that very moment. 

Time passes slowly.

Harry’s just got used to the precarious balance when a Thestral whizzes by.

“Ah,” Harry says, against his will, and wraps his hands around Malfoy’s waist. At the same time—or was it earlier?!—Malfoy’s hand lands on Harry’s calf, making Harry swallow the sorry he was about to blurt out. 

Surely, Malfoy will say sorry himself. Or remove his hand. 

He doesn’t. 

So Harry doesn’t remove his hands either. 

They land, and Malfoy’s hand lingers for a second too long.

They’re silent on the way to the castle. It’s bizarre, because the two of them are never silent. They bicker in class, when they’re forced to sit together for “the optics.” They bicker in the corridors, when they bump into each other. They bickered all day today. And now they’re silent, too silent, and the ghost of Malfoy’s touch buns a hole through Harry’s jeans.

Their footsteps echo against the stone walls. And then they stop. They’ve reached the staircase where their paths diverge. Harry has to go up the stairs, while Malfoy carries on.

They look at each other, neither of them moving. Then, at the same time, they act. Malfoy clears his throat. Harry walks towards a broom closet. 

Malfoy follows him in. It’s dark, much too dark to see, but he hears Malfoy dropping to his knees. He lets out a sound when he feels Malfoy’s hands parting his robes. The sounds intensify when Malfoy takes his cock out, and puts his mouth on it. It’s all so unexpected, so wonderfully wet and generous, Harry feels around until he touches Malfoy’s head. He’s really there. 

Fucking Draco Malfoy. Is on his knees. Sucking him off. 

Harry finishes in his mouth, and only afterwards realises he’s been panting. 

* * *

Harry corners Malfoy after Charms. Since last night, he’s had time to think. Truly, he’s had so much time to consider everything that’s ever happened between them, all the nuances of their relationship, all the ways in which they came together. And with all that knowledge safely stored in his brain, Harry locks the door.

Malfoy sinks to his knees. The light spills through the arched windows, and Harry can look into his eyes as he takes Harry in. 

“Jesus Christ,” Harry says, watching Malfoy’s lips strain against his cock. “I want to fuck you.”

Malfoy is a good little boy, because he releases his cock, stands up and bends over Flitwick’s desk. Harry lifts up his robe. 

“You’ve finally shut up,” Harry says, inserting one finger into Malfoy’s hole, pulling a moan out of him. “I love that.”

Harry doesn’t really know what he’s doing, but figures out enough. When he’s close, he pushes Malfoy back on his knees and comes all over his face.

Malfoy licks it off his lips. He’s finished in his pants.

* * *

Harry fucks Malfoy everywhere he can. He fucks him in deserted classrooms. In broom closets. The prefects’ bathroom. He fucks him so much and so often, they’ve both fallen behind on schoolwork. When they get detention for it, Harry fucks Malfoy on the forest bed. 

* * *

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Harry says, looking down at Malfoy. It’s the Christmas hols, and all of Malfoy’s roommates are away. It’s the first time they fuck in a bed.

“You’re beautiful,” Malfoy says, and drags Harry into a kiss. 

* * *

“You’re insatiable,” Draco says when Harry falls into step with him after breakfast. “We have Potions in five minutes.”

“Five minutes is plenty of time.”

Draco rolls his eyes, but lets Harry drag him into a broom closet. 

They waste most of the five minutes kissing, and then another five undressing. By the time Harry comes all over Draco’s chest, the bell ringing is a distant memory. 

“If we get detention again, I’ll kill you,” Draco says while he picks up his robes from the floor. 

“Don’t worry,” Harry says, cleaning them off both. “You go first.”

Harry waits two minutes before going into the classroom. 

“Professor, sorry I’m—”

His gaze falls on Draco, sporting a red tie and looking at Harry in horror. Just like everybody else.

Harry looks down at his own green tie. 

“—late,” he concludes, amidst rising bouts of laughter.

“Shh,” Slughorn says, trying and failing at suppressing a grin. “Ah, nothing like young love, is there? But also, detention to the two lovebirds.”

Harry shrugs at the Gryffindors’ shocked faces, then sits down next to Draco. 

“Sorry,” he whispers, a hand on Draco’s knee under the table.

“I’ll never forgive you,” Draco says solemnly. 

That night, they fuck—and sleep—in Harry’s bed.

Super adorable chibi art of them fondling each other on the broom © @kk1smet! 💖

[mrypotter]

Nothing Can Capture The Sting

Harry James Potter x fem!reader

Summary: Reader tries to replace Harry after they break up, but nothing captures the feeling she has when she’s with him.

Warnings: Angst, crying, mention of break up, brief mention of being tied up (no description), kissing? Cho (is she a warning lol-), let me know if there’s any others!!

Note: I really need to write for Harry more often, he’s my favorite! So here’s to the Harry lovers. ;)

Now Playing: Sailor Song Gigi Perez

Masterlist

Requests closed :)

She stared at the boy across from her, his dimples and fluffy hair showcasing his beauty. He was pretty, in a way, and he was smart too since he was in dark blue robes. But she couldn’t help but doze off while he was telling her something about his Charms essay… or was it Potions? She didn’t quite place the subject, for her mind was thinking of other things.

He looked a lot like Harry, she observed. His hair was similar, fluffy and defiantly not properly taken care of- she wondered if it could resist even the strongest of charms, just like Harry’s? And if she looked harder, she could tell he was basically an off brand of Harry. The two boys had the same eye color, despite Harry’s being brighter to her, and their dimples were oh so noticeable when they smiled.

The main difference between the boys was Harry had glasses, the boy in front of her didn’t. She placed them on him in her mind though, picturing him with the round rimmed lenses around his green eyes, adding an imaginary sparkle to them while she was at it.

She felt bad doing these things, changing the boy’s image in her mind when she was trying to move on. How dare she, changing his face while he was talking to her, smiling like he’s finally met the girl he’s been looking for?

“-did Snape give you detention yesterday too? And he said no, which was okay, but at the same time he did the same thing as me! I swear, Snape hates everyone but the Slytherins-”

Harry didn’t ramble.

He normally just complained and muttered to himself, but never rambled to her. He would most of the time let her ramble to him, yet he spoke openly about not being bothered by it, for he liked the sparkle in her eyes while she talked about something she liked… most likely another romance Muggle novel she read.

She have had finished one recently, not like she had any interest talking to him about it, for she couldn’t help but picture Harry instead.

What would he do if he was here?

If he was here, she was gonna be honest here, if Harry was here (and she pictured it so detailed that it hurt her chest) he could be leaning his head against the table with his arm, glasses crooked as he softly smiled at her, letting her know he was listening, running the tip of his finger around the top of his Butterbeer. The drink would still be around his lips, and every now and then his tongue would stick out and grab little by little before bringing it back into his mouth.

The image was so familiar to her, so comforting, that her brain stuck to it for the rest of the time the boy- was his name Robert?- told his story about how unfair Snape treated other Houses besides Slytherin. But who knows, though, had he moved onto another subject, or was he still rambling on about the same thing?

And, as she was walking back to the castle with his cold hand in hers, she couldn’t help but feel Harry’s splintered hands instead, imagining his thumb running over her skin in the most comforting way.

Yet Robert had no idea. How could he?

“I had fun today,” he said, bringing her out of her thoughts once again. “Care to do this again?”

She looked at him, matching his smile but the only difference was that his wasn’t forced. The eye contact she made with him was the first time she looked at him properly, taking in his genuine smile and how he seemed to actually like hanging out with her.

“Sorry, I don’t think it will work out,” she whispered, surprised he heard her with all the snow blowing around them. His curved up lips turned into a frown fairy quickly, reaching up to scratch his head in confusion.

“Oh, okay. That’s fine, I understand,” he said, a slight hint of disapointment waved in his voice. “See you around?”

The tone in his voice, whatever it was, she didn’t catch it but at that moment it didn’t matter to her, for she already gazed off, thinking of another while Robert walked away, the frown on his lips still present.

“You know, my father says that sadness isn’t permanent, that it is like life testing us before it gives us good things.”

The girl was sitting on a tree branch outside of Hogwarts, the breeze going through her knotty hair. Luna was next to her, drawing silly doodles in her notebook with colored markers piled in her robes. Blue was smeared all over the side of her palm, for she accidentally touched the marker’s ink before it dried. Luna had a fancy towards Muggle art supplies, and the girl was more than glad to lend her friend her things, for it was all worth seeing the glee sparkling in Luna’s eyes.

The girl had told Lina about her precious date and how it went terribly wrong for her (yet again) and amazing for him, only for her to say it wouldn’t work out.

The girl hummed at the saying her father once said, looking over at Luna and giving her a grateful smile. “Thanks Luna, but I’m not sad… well, I can’t lie to you. I’m nothing without him.”

Luna hummed right back, glancing upwards for a spit second before turning back to her drawing. It was of those creatures she often spoke of, the animal the you can only see if you’ve seen someone die. The girl couldn’t remember the name, for Luna has only said it once or twice, too busy saying fun facts about them that the girl couldn’t have time to slip in the question of their title.

“I miss Harry too, he avoids me in the corridors. The only time I get to see him is if I’m looking for my shoes that people hide. Which is often,” Luna mutters, voice almost blending in with the wind as it blows past them both. The girl swings her legs, feeling the prickly bark beneath her calves. She was weirdly grateful for the feeling, for it gave her something to bring her back to earth when her mind wondered off with thoughts of Harry and his bright green eyes she missed looking into.

“Do you think I’ll ever get him back?” The girl wondered suddenly, looking over at the Quidditch Pitch, seeing maroon robes flying around on brooms as they practiced. Normally, she would wait in the Gryfindoor Common Room for Harry, reading a Muggle book she was recently gifted or an old classic she loved re-reading, all until a certain Raven-haired boy entered the room. No matter how tired she would be, she would sit down on the couch and await his return.

Her body soon missed that, for now as she lays in bed wide awake for about an hour, awaiting for sleep to take her away.

It’s because Harry was such a big part of her life, her routine, that once he left it was like someone took the middle piece of her puzzle, ruining the big picture because of the obvious space there.

“Maybe, who knows,” Luna murmured back, reaching over and grabbing her friend’s hand for support. “Sometimes the universe gifts us people to hang onto, then takes them away. It may feel like torture, but it’s all for a reason. I know you’re probably used to hearing those words, and before you ask I don’t know the reason, but I do know that in the end all the tears will be worth it.” Luna was practically whispering, like the words she was saying were a secret only them two could witness, yet the soft hushed tone from Luna was comforting towards the girl, and she was forever grateful for her friend just then.

She responded with a gratitude- filled smile, squeezing Luna’s hand right back. “Thanks, Luna.”

Luna smiled at her, this one bigger than the previous one she expressed. “Anytime.” Then the sympathetic glint in her eyes turned to a teasing glitter. “Now, let me get back to my drawing, I haven’t finished it yet!”

She leaned her big book against the orange juice jug, already moving her eyes along the pages first thing in the morning. She liked to start her morning with some calm reading, ignoring the chatter of students around her. Her breakfast laid perfectly on her plate, for she had previously served herself, yet she knew that she wasn’t going to eat much anyway.

Normally, Harry’s glittering green eyes would peak in front of her hair that was hanging in her face from beside her, wiggling his eyebrows as he tried to crack a smile on her grumpy morning face. It would always work, yet sometimes now in the present she could find her brain tricking herself into thinking Harry was back next to her, forcing her to turn her head sideways only to find an empty bench seat.

She would do this every couple minutes, even though she knew it would be a trick, yet her heart hoped that he would magically be there for real that time.

Maybe one more glance, she asked herself, and he will be there? Maybe the flickering lights of the Great Hall won’t trick me this time?

But it all ended the same, for Harry didn’t sit next to her anymore but instead next to Ron and Hermonie on the other side of the Gyrfinndor table; it’s like he wanted to be as far away from her as possible.

She found herself staring longer than she should’ve, getting lost in the beauty of his profile and how he smiled while talking to Ron…probably about something stupid like Quidditch.

“They say it takes more muscles to frown than it takes to smile.”

She turns, facing two copy and pasted red haired Weasleys, both with matching grins that automatically made her day a little brighter (she still didn’t know how they did it).

Her frown deepened. “I don’t think that’s true.”

Fred- no George- shrugged with one shoulder. “Who said we were ‘they’?”

She felt her frown turn upwards a tiny bit, and the twins took it as a victory, for their grins widened.

“There it is, George, our job here is done.”

George smiled wide in response and turned at the same time as Fred to leave, both bodies spinning on their bottoms.

The girl reached for Fred’s forearm, —ignoring the dangerous wobble of the orange juice in the jug—gripping the robes that covered it. “Wait.”

Both twins shared a look before glancing back at her, settling back down in their seats (the hesitation before doing so didn’t go unnoticed by her).

“H-” she sputtered. “Has Harry said anything to you two? You know, since what happened?”

She found herself digging her fingernails into her wrists out of nervousness after she retracted her hand once she knew they weren’t going to leave.

They sighed in unison, leaning forward and lowering their voices.

“-I heard Lupin talking to Harry-”

“-wasn’t sure what about though-”

“-obviously about her what are you on about-”

“-you never know-”

“-ignore him he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Lupin was talking to Harry about how he seems off lately-”

“-lost his good luck charm I presume-?”

“-no that wasn’t it-”

“-oh I know what it is go and tell her, Fred-”

“-Harry seems to be doing…better than usual-”

“-first to give Slughorn his potion-”

“-first to show up at Quidditch practice, besides Wood of course-”

“-has caught the Snitch at every single one I must tell you-”

“-and, surprisingly, I heard that he’s asked Cho to-”

The girl felt her guts twist into an uncomfortable knot. “Well it seems like he’s doing just fine without me,” she interrupted, legs wobbly as she stood up from the bench, grabbing her book and bag with shaky hands.

Fred and George didn’t seem to notice her exit after the statement, for they soon got into a mini argument about which is better: the lemon tarts or the apple pie.

Tears pricked her eyes as she left the Great Hall.

Of course Harry had moved on already. It was no surprise, since he broke up with her and seemed to run off as quickly as he could, almost like while they were dating she had him tied up.

Frustratingly wiping the on-coming tears, she hurried to Defense Against The Dark Arts, a class she shared with Harry (both fortunately and unfortunately).

She entered the classroom, the heavy feeling still present in her chest.

She tried to ignore her brain repeating the twins’ words about Harry- how did they put it?- “doing better than usual”.

Sitting down, she took her quill, parchment, and ink out only to discover something was missing in her bag. Her book was missing. She must have left leaning on the orange juice jug.

“Merlin help me,” she mumbled, groaning softly to herself and brain already coming up with a plan to retrieve it. She’ll have to get it on her way to Divinations, even though it’s all the way in the tower at the top of the school.

She was focusing on unrolling her parchment for notes when she heard someone clear their throat beside her, and, looking up, she saw the brightest green eyes she had ever seen.

Her breath caught in her throat, heart stumbling on it’s beats. He had an interesting expression on his face, an awkward smile upon his lips.

His hands held up her thick book, holding out to her as if he was afraid of its touch. “Um.. you left this.”

“Oh,” she breathed stupidly, reaching out and grabbing the book from him, painfully noticing how he was avoiding any accidental contact of their hands. “Thank you, Harry.” His name fell out of her lips far too easily, and it tasted so familiar on her tongue that it hurt.

His lips didn’t waver, nor did they widen, still nor did they part to speak. He walked away fairly quickly, and the way her vision blurred, the colors of his robes and dark hair blurring together in her eyes didn’t go ignored.

Something rushed through her, a hot, embarrassed flush rising to her cheeks and washing all over her body.

It felt unnecessary to cry, for he was doing a nice deed, but maybe it was the fact he didn’t say anything, avoiding any additional second of interaction so he could get away faster. It hurt to think back on how fast he was to leave; it was a shame on how she kept purposely thinking about it. His facial expressions. His hands avoiding contact.

It was like she was a disease he didn’t want to catch.

She ignored her wet eyes for the rest of the lesson, scrubbing notes down on how Mars is helpful for discovering what the future holds.

That night she had a strange dream. It had her rolling around, sleeping body confused on what her brain was doing to her, yet if one would see the soft smile on her lips they would then know it wasn’t a nightmare.

Her dream self was walking in the corridors with no shoes on, her socked feet quiet on the ground. It was strangely cold yet she was wearing short sleeves, her hands rubbing her arms to keep them warm. She didn’t know where she was going, at least she sleeping self didn’t, but her dream self did.

She travelled to an empty classroom, turning the dust covered doorknob and the space so dusty that not only was it imbedded it the corners of the walls, but it was also floating in the air, yet she didn’t cough.

In front of her was a mirror, and the only reasons she noticed it was because of the moonlight shining on its reflective surface as well as it being the cleanest item in the room; its shiny surface standing out generously.

Her dream self furrowed her eyebrows, and if one would look at her awake self they would see her actual brows furrowed, almost like she was having a bad dream.

Yet it was only out of confusion and curiosity, for she was wondering why the mirror was there.

She walked over to it, planning on touching the surface to see if it was as smooth as it looked. It didn’t have a single fingerprint on it.

As she reached out though, she caught her reflection in the mirror, and, looking up, met her own eyes.

She stared for a couple seconds before someone came up behind her, smiling as they made eye contact.

It was Harry.

Standing right there, holding her hand in his, the grip so genuine it made her want to smile.

She whipped her head around, begging for it to be true. “Harry-”

No one was there.

Just dust floating in the moonlight, and somehow the sight made her chest squeeze.

It looked so clear. So real. Like just looking at his hand holding hers made it feel like his skin was actually touching her. Why could she see him in the mirror, yet not beside her?

“Ahh, you saw Harry?”

This time there was someone there, Albus Dumbledore in all his silver beard glory, light blue robes on his body and sparkling eyes behind half-moon spectacles.

“Professor Dumbledore.”

He smiled at her in greeting, walking towards her slightly, leaning against the wall closest to her and slowly sitting down, crossing his legs like a preschooler sitting on the carpet, waiting to hear the teacher’s story. He didn’t say anything, just patted the floor beside him as an invitation.

Though hesitant, she moved away, away from the view of Harry in the mirror, and sat down next to him, reflecting his pose.

It was silent for a couple beats before Dumbledore’s soft voice broke it. He turned to her, smiling. “I see you’ve found the Mirror of Erised.”

Her head perked up, eyebrows raised. “What does it do?” She wondered, already thinking of possible reasons she saw Harry of all people in it.

“Ah, I thought you’d never ask,” Dumbledore said sarcastically, folding his hands in his lap. “When one looks into the mirror or Erised, they see their deepest and most secret desire.”

“So you’re saying that Harry is my deepest desire?” She asked, and her heart beat quickened when Dumbledore’s smile turned into a soft grin.

“I didn’t say that,” he reminded quietly, his voice smooth and gentle. “But it is you that has implied it.”

“I-” she hesitated for a moment, wondering if she should tell him her dilemma. “Me and Harry broke up, Professor. And I… I guess I miss him.”

The confession was both a little embarrassing and reviving the finally tell. The words felt stupid, yet she was relived that she could finally discuss with someone about it.

Dumbledore eased her embarrassment instantly when his lips stretched into an understanding smile. “Ah, young love, do they call it?” He asked, making her smile softly at him. “But you and I both know that deep down you can’t stay in sorrow forever, you must act upon it, take courage and do what you feel is right. You are in Gryffindor for a reason,” he explained. And the way he spoke, the way he put words together to comfort her, was enough to warm her insides.

“Thank you, Professor,” she said, getting up to leave, and he stood up as well, looking down at her gently smiling.

“Of course,” he almost whispered. “Now off to bed, little one, you don’t want Prefects discovering you were here.”

She bid him goodnight as well, turning to leave, before she turned back, eyes with a hint of curiousity. “Professor?”

He turned to her, smiling as a signal for her to continue.

“Is this real?” She asked. “Is this a dream? Is it happening inside my head?”

His smile didn’t waver as he smoothed out his robe sleeves, as they were rolling up naturally. “Of course it’s happening inside your head. Why should that mean that it’s not real?”

The girl woke up in a strange daze, mind fuzzy and she tried to recall the dream she had. It felt real, yet she had this distinct feeling it was all a dream, despite what Dumbledore said.

Yet, as she looked at her fingertips, she still had a hint of dust coating them from the dusty doorhandles of the classroom.

Ever since she woke up that day, she’d been thinking about Dumbledore’s words, advising her to do the thing she thought was right.

She couldn’t quite pinpoint which other she should take, since she had many options what she could do. Well, at least many options on how she should chase Harry down and force him to talk to her. At least then he could say how he was really feeling, good or bad.

1. Tell Hermonie that a friend of his said to meet him in the library, yet it is her.

2. March across the table and grab him by the ear. (Lower on the list but still an option)

3. Walk up behind him and whack him in the head with the very book he returned to her

At the end of her list, she decided that all of them were complete rubbish and she should properly offer him a chat between them.

So, when she left the Great Hall that morning, (glancing at Harry as often as possible, just as usual but this time felt different) she chose to chase him down in the corridors. They had a free period in the morning, which was rare, but nice and the perfect time to talk to Harry; no excuses about having to be in class.

And Dumbledore was right, she thought as she marched towards the dark haired boy and his friend with the reddest hair imaginable. She was in Gryffindor for a reason. She could do this, right?

Just as she was about to quit, she realized she was already so close to them so why not go with it?

Grabbing his robe sleeve, she yanked the boy outside in the courtyard onto the grass away from Ron. His protests were ignored as they moved further away from him, and he didn’t bother to interupt their upcoming conversation.

“Wha-”

His voice cut off as she led him to the boys dormitories, practically dragging the poor boy up the stairs and opening his door, closing it once they both entered.

She placed him in front of her, making eye contact for the first time of their interaction.

“Harry, I need to talk to you, if you will,” she requested, keeping her voice steady. She then realized she was still holding onto his robes, and, with a soft stroke to ease the possible wrinkles, she took her hand away, cheeks slightly flushed.

Harry pushed his glasses up his nose with his middle finger, hands fidgeting by his sides. “Okay.”

She was a little surprised that he wasn’t arguing against her, just standing there shrugging like it was no big deal (then again he could’ve fought back the whole journey to his dorm but he let himself be dragged). Was the girl that he broke up with talking to him not meaning anything to him? Was he that over her that he could look at her and not feel anything?

The thought made her chest squeeze, yet she stood her ground and made eye contact with him once again. “I-”

She hesitated, fidgeting with her fingers just like he was. She was going to be honest, she had the confidence to walk up to him and take him to a private place, yet now that she thought about it, she never planned out what she was going to say.

He raised his eyebrows questionably, waiting her to say something.

She gave him a nervous smile, wiping her now sweaty palms on her robes. “I’ve…..missed you.”

Harry took a sharp intake of air, licking his lips and looking away from her quickly. He practically looked anywhere but her.

“You shouldn’t,” he said simply, leaning his weight on one leg to the other.

She suddenly felt tears arise in her eyes but she blinked them away, looking at the sky for a moment to keep them held at bay. Maybe it was what he said that brought the unwanted tears, yet she deep down knew it was because he couldn’t relate to her feelings. He didn’t miss her like she missed him, and what he said showed that.

“I know,” she almost whispered, voice so quiet like it always was when she wanted to cry.

“Good,” Harry murmured, and he started to walk around her towards the door, ready to turn the handle, giving flashbacks to her dream, grabbing the dusty doorknob-

“Wait, Harry,” she said, reaching out against her own accord, gripping his robe sleeve so hard he must have felt like he was being yanked then being held back.

He looked over his shoulder at her, slowly turning to face her yet her hand still stayed on his sleeve. He was met with her blurry eyes, tears streaming down her face silently. Her lips were parted, almost like she was gasping for air.

“I can’t help but miss you because there’s no-one like you, Harry,” she started. “I’ve tried to date other people, going on dates, sitting across from them but I’m only picturing your face instead of theirs. I- I love you, Harry. And there’s no one out there that I will love the same way I love you.”

Harry stood there, his robes still in her hand and his own wrapped around the door handle. His fingers left the object slowly, stepping forward making her arm not have to reach over so much to keep him from leaving.

His lips adjusted themselves, then parted while he figured out what to say. “I..I can’t be with you,” he spoke, almost whispering, and the sentence both broke and healed her at the same time.

“Yet Cho can be with you?” She couldn’t help but snap back, and tried to ignore the way he stepped back, a surprised look on his face.

“Cho? What does she have to do with this?”

“Fred and George told me you asked her to the Yule Ball, so don’t ask other girls out to dance with you if you say right now that you can’t be with me. It’s hypocritical.”

The anger in her voice was obvious, tear streaks still sticky on her cheeks yet her eyes weren’t as wet as they were previously. Now her eyebrows were bent in frustration towards him, all the unanswered questions piling up.

“You want to know why I asked her? It was because all I could think about was you. Every morning when I wake up and before I close my eyes to sleep at night, every thought is overturned by you. And I’ve tried to distract myself with school work, and you may have noticed, but nothing works. Even Cho can’t replace you,” Harry huffed out, shoulders going up and down slowly as he took in breaths.

“Then why did you break things off? It seems like we both feel the same way,” she pointed out, her heart sputtering at the thought of him thinking about her all the time, yet why did he break her heart if that was the case?

Harry took a deep breath, walking up to her and grabbing her hands, bring them up to his lips as he gently kissed her knuckles. She felt like she was a flower and he was trying not to wrinkle her bloomed petals.

“I didn’t want you to get hurt, I am the fourth champion of the Triwizard Tournament, and everyone is siding with Cedric, meaning that everyone hates me. I didn’t want to hate to aim towards you, so to protect you I broke us apart,” Harry whispered, looking into her eyes and trying to find a speck understanding, a spark of hope brewing in his chest, hoping that she would now see the reason he left her and take it as a valid one.

She did understand, but confused at the same time on why he didn’t choose to communicate. “Harry, in a relationship there is two sides, you and me. When there’s an issue on one side they discuss the issue with the other person, as you should with me. And I understand if you want to protect me, for I want you to be protected more than anything else, Harry, but we have to talk to each other,” She explained gently, and she was running her fingers through his hair at the base of his neck. His eyes behind his glasses were closed, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks with every stroke she made with her hand.

“I…I didn’t want to lose you- you mean everything to me,” Harry whispered, his green eyes opening as he said this, glittery eyes looking at her making his statement much more meaningful than it already was.

Her heart must of stopped, a pause of nothing that she could feel expect pure love towards the boy in front of her. Messy hair and all, she loved every part of him.

“You won’t lose me,” she whispered. She then smiled softly, moving her hands from his hair to his collar of his shirt, pulling him in by it, and kissed him. His lips tasted just like she remembered, and it felt like water finally reaching through the dam, a mix of emotions her heart could nearly handle. His lips were soft and gentle against hers, pressing back with as much love he could muster. Her heart felt like a blooming flower, Harry being her sunlight that was needed for her petals to expand.

She pulled away, his head almost instantly dipping into her neck to kiss the skin there with soft touches. “I love you, you know that right? I’m sorry I hurt you; it was the last thing I ever wanted.”

Each word was murmured into her hair, the strands preventing his voice to be fully heard, yet she could tell- feel- that he meant every word.

She turned her head and gave him a long kiss on the cheek, feeling his skin tingle under her lips.

“I know, Harry. Im just glad we worked it out.”

And she was, that was for sure, for now she had Harry back.

Her Harry.

[umathurwin]

Omg hi! I feel like I’m the only sofia hater out there bc all i see are people loving her character is so boring to me and her and rafe relationship seems so forced to me like she is supposed to help him reconcile with his sister but instead, she spent all season doing nothing apart from the hollis plot

being called a sofia hater cracks me up because i feel like i never talk about her, in fact i usually forget she exists 😭 but i’ll accept it, because i really do hate the way her character (which had a great premise) was totally wasted

a youtuber i really love once described pansy parkinson from harry potter as “an original character wearing the skin of a minor character” and i think that perfectly encapsulates sofia. they make these moodboards, these stories, these elaborate headcanons about a character we know little to nothing about. do i respect it? hell yes. it takes a lot of work. but to have these intense convictions and arguments about a 0.5-dimensional character… WHY?

i went and rewatched every scene in s4 where she even just appears and wrote down my thoughts on them (despite how tedious this was… the action really does rely on the pogues) and like… wow. where do i start

her s4 introduction is the scene where rafe scatters ward’s ashes on the boat, and it’s awkward but in a fair way. i wouldn’t really know what to do either. in the same episode, she’s at the enduro cheering for rafe, but she is inexplicably standing TOTALLY by herself. i still have no idea if this was just filmed oddly or if it was deliberate but this photo kills me… girl why are you alone? at no other point is she physically excluded from the kooks like this. wtf

and after that? nearly every single moment she and rafe share the screen? he’s awful to her. he verbally mocks her in the bar when she tries to calm him down. he flirts with hollis right in sofia’s face and abases her for feeling hurt. he dismisses her every time she tries to express her opinion. rafe does not respect his girlfriend, nor does he care about her thoughts and values. how do i know?

because she knows. how exactly did she convince him to take the deal, again? well, first she says she thinks it’s a good idea, which merely amuses him. then, she makes up a lie about other club members denigrating rafe and how this deal could improve his social status—i believe this to be a fabrication because it easily could’ve and should’ve been explicit on screen if true— and this causes him make up his mind. she knows rafe’s insecurities. she knows what does and doesn’t entice him. and yeah, i’ll be honest, sometimes it makes me sick to think about how deeply she knows this man, and how little he knows/cares about her

rafe brings up marriage, living together, a future with sofia. but do you notice anything about his big grand speeches? ever notice how, when he’s describing his fantasy, it revolves around material things he can own and show off— and sofia has always been one of them? rafe never has anything to say about what she specifically does for him, what he likes about her. bc… what does he like about her? rafe is unfortunately, at the end of the day, selfish. he focuses on what he’ll be able to give her, and what having a pretty wife says about him. the occupant of that role is, well, interchangeable

when rafe “proposed” to her and she did not confess the scam, i knew it was over. this is rafe cameron we’re talking about, a man who values loyalty more than anything in the world, and that was her last shot at coming clean before it was too late. committing a betrayal (well…in the eyes of the narrative…more on that in a sec) and hiding it from him? guys there was zero chance of him learning the truth and forgiving her. i watched the premier with my mother and i even turned to her and said we just watched the final nail go into the coffin. and it did!

(also, not to beat a dead horse, but even after he gives her the ring and he leaves to morocco, he dismissively excludes her again! “i have to go” “what are you doing?” “don’t worry about it, bye!” and she just takes it?! STAND UP!)

fundamentally, sofia’s “betrayal” plotline was weak or, at the very least, not very well thought-out. it’s like the idea of sofia going behind rafe’s back was pitched, but they were unsure how to integrate that into the season. the explosive reaction that rafe had when groff revealed the plot seemed contrived, like the show wanted to put more of the blame on sofia than was warranted. rafe had all but made up his mind by the time sofia had been paid off; to claim that she was the big catalyst in his decision is unfair and literally just wrong. sure, he liked her giving her blessing (because he already wanted to say yes), but i have a really, really genuine question for all of you.

if she had said no, would he have called off the deal?

(spoiler, no. because when she changed her mind after learning of the scam, he dismissed her yet again. the show has countless opportunities for rafe to just care about his girlfriend, and he never takes them!)

while i’m nitpicking, she also never learns any information via her own efforts. every single time she uncovers a new detail, it’s because she’s working around a loud-mouth kook who coincidentally says the right thing at the right moment as she refills their ewers. fuck, can we give her a CRUMB of agency? please?

and yeah, i don’t even engage in any theory that sofia helped rafe reunite with his family. did she ever give any meaningful advice to him? she didn’t even have context—was he ever planning on telling her exactly what he’d done to sarah and her friends? could sarah even pick this girl out of a lineup?! ya, she really is the glue in the cameron dynamic. lol

counter arguments i’m ready to address:

“he takes the deal for her!” funny because,,, he really doesn’t. we even watch the reason he takes the deal— his family. rafe likes the opportunity from the jump but is hesitant because of the investment, and a dreamy montage of him, ward, and sarah is what cements his decision. sofia canonically had nothing to do with it

“but he says he’s taking the deal for him and sofia when he’s alone with hollis!” correct! but you’ll notice he literally only brings her up when hollis starts hitting on him. he’s not attracted to hollis, and her advances make him visibly uncomfortable. bringing up sofia was a way to shut down hollis without explicitly telling a business partner to get off his ass

“rafe brings up sofia’s opinion of the deal with groff!” true, but i actually see this as a display of rafe’s tact and emotional intelligence. rafe is suspicious that he’s been scammed, but it’s genuinely not wise to barge into the office of the man who has $400k of your money and your testicles in his fist to start threatening him— even when he’s not a murderer. “hey… so my gf thinks you’re scamming me… thoughts?” he’s being coy. he’s being smart. he’s not bringing up sofia in a loverboy context. cmon

***

deep inhale. okay, i’m done. i’m sorry i always forget about her. but it’s so much better than the alternative

[writingsfromhome]

If you Love Something

A/N: this has been an idea sitting in my drafts for a while. You and Harry had a brief but intense relationship as teenagers, were forced to make a serious decision then, and it’s aftereffects have lingered for the rest of your lives. It deals with some heavier topics so read with caution (alcoholism, depression, unwanted pregnancy etc). I’d describe it as sad but hopeful.

Part 2

—————————————

Age 17.

It started in secret. We’d found each other on the roof of a house party. Truth be told, I saw him sneak out of the window where people were crowded around the TV watching some controversial music video I hadn’t heard about. And I’d followed.

I knew who Harry was. Had him in English, Maths, and Biology last year. He was well spoken, thoughtful, and silly. I never spoke to him once though. Only admired him from afar.

Tonight I had my first drink and then another. I was feeling buzzed and despite being painfully shy for most of the time I’d known everyone here, I was suddenly gripped by the realization that we were approaching the last year we would all be together. Why had I waited this long to pursue someone I thought was cute?

I snuck out after him, when my friends weren’t looking. I even tilted the window more closed than usual so no one would suspect anything; I had the attic room at home so I knew how to maneuver the angled roof to get comfortable.

“You need any help?” Harry’s voice is clear in the silence.

“I’m alright.” I stand up to peer at him. He’s climbed near the top.

“Sure? You don’t seem steady.”

“Oh I’m steady,” I prove it to him by climbing up to where he was. “See?”

“I’m mistaken. My bad.” He holds out a hand to help me sit beside him and the night sky flashes brighter for an instant when I grasp his hand. My stomach is in knots.

“Harry. Styles.” I don’t know why I say his full name but I was nervous.

He repeats my full name back to me. I don’t know why I’m surprised he knows it. It’s not like we went to a big school.

“What brings you out here?”

I try to be bold about it, “You?”

“Party was getting too much.” He says. I stare at him in confusion while he complains about something his friends had gotten up to.

I replay my answer and realized it sounded like I’d skipped answering his question and asked the question back. Bugger.

“You know my name.” I interrupt him, forgetting he was telling me a story. Awkward.

“Yeah? Of course I do.”

“We’ve never talked.”

“We talked. Once in Maths. We had to grade each other’s answers.”

Oh yeah. I burn when I remember the 4/10 he’d given me with a smiley face saying that maths was masochistic.

“Barely.”

“I know you though,” he says with a softness that makes my heart stutter.

“Do you?” I look to him, resting my chin on my shoulder. He gazes down at me and I swear I could taste the colours around us.

His eyes draw me deeper as he inches closer. Was he going to kiss me? Oh my god.

I look back out to the roof and he jerks away. Omg.

“I do.”

“Oh,” I don’t know what to do after that awkward moment.

“I know you’re really quiet and shy but your smile is so loud you can see it from across the room.” He says and my breath catches as he continues. “You’re yourself with your friends, you really like Harry Potter and field hockey. You would kill Mal Adams if you could get away with it and you hate Maths just as much as you love art. You’re dating Oli Graves but your smile is only ever shining half as bright when you’re around him. Can I go on?”

I stop breathing completely halfway through his declaration of knowing me. All this time I had my eye on him, I didn’t know he was watching me too.

“I didn’t ask you for your opinion on my relationship.”

“You didn’t. I didn’t give you one either.”

I glare at him. He was right. He smiles knowing he was. I’m mad that I’m not mad at him. That he was right.

“What are you doing with a guy like that?”

Oli and I had been dating for 7 months now. He was loud and fun in a way I wish I could be. That’s why I liked him so much. That’s why I was at a party like this to begin with.

“He’s a good guy.”

“That’s all?” He asks. I look over but he’s looking up at the sky. I follow his gaze and get lost in the great expanse of nighttime.

“I think you deserve someone who sees you. Don’t you?”

“Did Ally see you?” I ask with a hint of aggression I didn’t mean to have.

“Ally and I broke up during Easter. So there’s your answer.” He’s unbothered.

“Well what do you want?” I ask.

“Right now? Or in life?”

I shrug. “Both?”

“I want to explore the world and meet all kinds of people. I wanna make the world a better place by being in it. It’s cheesy as shit so if you ever said I said this I’ll deny it and you’ll look like-“

“My lips are sealed.” I turn his way to promise him that. It makes me laugh at how serious he looks saying it all and when I do his face relaxes.

“You laugh is nice too. I forgot to mention that.”

That quiets me very quickly.

“And right now,” he continues. “I’d really like to kiss you.”

My ears ring. Did I hear him right? Could you get so drunk you hallucinate? I swear the cold air had sobered me-

“Did you hear what I said?” Harry’s moved in closer to me. Did I? I don’t know.

“What d-“

“I’d like to kiss you.”

I nod, afraid to talk and realize I’d hallucinated him saying that.

The world melts away when he kisses me. It’s tender, nothing like Oli and his jagged pushy kissing. In the nighttime air it’s warm, and soft, and easy.

“I know you,” Harry says when we part. I’d nearly climbed into his lap and I try to edge away, embarrassed, but he keeps a hand firm on my thigh.

“I know you too Harry,” I breathe. He smiles and it crinkles his luscious eyes.

I think I was falling.

***

We keep it a secret after I break up with Oli. For months, until mid-August when I invite him over for dinner after my mom insists on meeting “the boy I was all doe-eyed over”. The night with my family goes so well—Harry is the picture of a courteous gentleman that even my sister is swayed by him despite saying boys were gross. I ask him to hang out, in public, the next day. He doesn’t hesitate to say yes.

That’s what I love about Harry—yes love. He’s not pushy, he lets me go at my own pace. He respects me and sees me for everything I am and loves me anyway. I wanted to spend my whole life with him.

It was so intense and relaxed at the same time. It felt like no relationship I’d been in before. I felt different being with him, even my friends noticed.

When final year started, Harry and I were official but we didn’t flaunt it. We didn’t need to. My friends knew about us and they were happy for us, they told me I was more me. Whatever that meant.

Life was phenomenal and I was living in a dusky haze. Nothing could touch us.

Until one day in February. I was out with my sister, mum didn’t want to take her out and since I recently got my driver’s license with plenty of lessons from Harry, I was driving her to the mall. She needed Valentine’s Day cards.

“I thought you said love is stupid.” I remind her on the way.

“It is.”

“So why the hell am I driving you to buy cards for a made up holiday?”

“Because!” She crosses her arms and stares out the window. I flick her arm at a red light.

“You have a crush.”

“I do not!”

“Do too. Who is it? James? Mattie? Hamid?”

“Ew! They’re freaks.” My sister continues staring out the window.

“Why do you want to buy cards so bad!?”

“I just want them! For my friends!”

“Okay then,” I didn’t believe her. But I couldn’t bring her home crying or mum would ground me.

A lot of places have slim pickings. Wandering the aisle of Waterstones I catch sight of a family friend. She was my dad’s uni friend’s daughter, a few years older than me but by the time I got to secondary she had dropped out after getting pregnant. I remember the buzz when everyone found out.

I avoid her and find an aisle to occupy myself.

Harry and I were always careful, mum had already given me the talk and he never pressured me to do anything I didn’t. I imagine Harry as a dad. He would make a good one I think.

As one thought leads to another I go cold as I realize something. My last period was during the holidays.

I feel like I’m walking in a swarm of locusts as I walk to the edge of the aisle, scanning for my sister. Maybe I can pop into a pharmacy before she’s done. Maybe…

This was crazy. It was probably just a missed period.

But if it isn’t, another voice asks. I felt it in my gut. I had to do this.

I don’t remember getting home. I don’t remember anything about the rest of that day except two faint lines, and then two faint lines again, and a third time. I fall asleep before dinner that night and shut the world out.

***

“I know something’s wrong.” Harry’s walking me home after school. It’s Valentine’s Day and he’d been nothing but sweet. He bought me chocolates, flowers, and we planned to cook dinner together after school. I had bought him chocolates too, and had written him a heartfelt note with a bunch of photos of us weeks ago. The box was in my room, waiting for tonight. “Do you not like the flowers? Or is it dinner? We can go out somewhere instead?”

“No everything’s lovely.” I’d never heard Harry this desperate before. It gets under my skin even though part of me knows that’s not really it. But having him hover over me all week trying to figure out what was wrong was too much.

I’d spent every night this week with a hand over my belly. Thinking about it. I hadn’t told anyone. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. All I can think of was Jenny and I didn’t want that life. I couldn’t. I couldn’t be a mother.

“Please. What’s the matter.” Harry asks again, tugging at my hands but I pull them away.

“I just need some space!” I shout and he flinches. “I’m sorry Harry. I just need space right now.”

“Right now like…” he scratches his head. “I don’t get you. It’s Valentine’s Day, we’ve been talking about this day for weeks what do you mean you want space?”

“I can’t do this right now. Please.”

“Are you-are we…”

“I’m not breaking up with you.” I look at Harry with tears in my eyes, I didn’t want to cry out here. But every time I look at him I remember the reality. What’s growing inside me. I can’t take it. “I just can’t do today.”

I go inside my house. Leave him without further explanation. I feel awful, I can’t hold the tears in long enough to get to my room.

***

“Hey love?” My mum and dad knock on my door at half past 5. I lay in the dark, having cried myself dry. “We’re worried about you. Can we talk.”

“I can’t.” I say, voice stuffy.

“I thought you and that boyfriend of yours had plans,” dad says. He liked Harry but he rarely called him by his name. “Did something happen?”

“No!” I wanted them to leave me alone. “I just. I had to cancel. I’m fine.”

“Don’t sound fine to me love,” I feel the mattress dip as mum sits down. Dad strokes my hair. They whisper something I can’t hear and a pair of footsteps pad out of my room.

“Mum just leave me alone.” I try again.

“I’m not.” She pushes me further into my bed and leans down, tugging my blanket down. When I finally look at her she smiles kindly and kisses my forehead. That fills me up enough to start wailing again. “Oh love, what’s wrong?”

“Everything!” I sob into my blanket. Mom lays down beside me and I let myself be cradled like a child. God, I had a child. This was so fucked.

“Talk to me. We can figure it out together.”

I don’t know how my parents would react. They were never particularly strict, especially after what happened with Jenny I remember them always being sympathetic. We even visited her in hospital with a gift.

Mum strokes my hair and whispers that it’ll be okay. Slowly my sobbing eases into light sniffles. I had to tell her. She would know what to do. And if she hated me for it, I would just have to deal with it.

“Mum don’t be mad-“

“I won’t honey I-“

“No. Mum.” I cut her off. She moves back on the pillow so she can see my whole face, moving a strand of hair so I couldn’t hide. “Something…messed up. Happened. And…I was careful. We were always careful I don’t know what happened but I-“

I watch her face changed. Like she knew. She knew what was coming but she waits patiently as I muster up the courage to say the words that felt too real once I said them.

“Mum I’m…I’m pregnant.”

Her eyes fill with tears and she bites her lip. What was she thinking? Was she crying for me or with me? Why wasn’t she saying anything!?

“Mum-“

“C’mere.” She wraps me in her embrace again and kisses the top of my head. My body feels drained and limp. I finally told somebody. It was real. This living thing inside of me was real.

“What happened?” She asks next. And I tell her what I think happened. When. How I found out. She listens, holding my hand in hers. When I’m done and it’s poured out of me she smiles supportively. “This isn’t a bad thing okay? It’s okay. Any decision you make is up to you. I’ll talk to your dad but just know you call the shots okay? I love you.”

This is what carries me. The love.

She asks me it I told Harry yet and I tell her the truth. She urges me to tell him. I tell her I wanted to so bad but I was scared.

She leaves shortly after that, I hear her talking softly outside my room. Nobody calls me for dinner until 7, a soft knock on my door. My sister would never be so soft, I assume it’s dad so I tell him to come in. I was scared to face him.

It’s Harry instead.

“Harry!” I cover my splotchy face with my blanket, why was he here? Did mum invite him? This was soo embarrassing.

My heart pounds and Harry is silent until he takes a seat where mum had previously been.

“I came over, your mum invited me. She explained.”

She did what? For a moment I feel betrayed.

“She said you weren’t doing so well. Stressed? I could make you some tea if you’d like. But I told you y/n, you’ll get into unis. You don’t have to worry so…”

I sigh. Mum had told him a half-truth. But he had come. Of course he had.

I couldn’t even think about uni right now because that lead me down a road of what if I couldn’t go because I had a baby. And that life felt so bleak it made me depressed.

“Harry.” I inch my blanket down a little and his eyes go round when he looks at me.

“You look…awful.”

“I know.” I cover my face with my hair but he brushes it away and kisses my forehead.

“No. I’m worried about you. I brought dinner-“

“Oh Harry.” I spot the bag he brought with him.

“I made it all for us. With my mum’s help but mostly me. I packed it to bring to you.”

I didn’t deserve him. And I had to tell him. And he was going to break up with me. What high school boy wanted a child?

“Harry it’s not uni.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I was carrying another living thing. It was the size of a seed but I was carrying it inside me. Like a living breathing pot. I was a potted plant.

“Then what is it?” His brows crinkle. “Is it us?”

“No!” I rush to tell him. “I…I don’t know how to say this. And I don’t know how you’re going to react but it’s okay either way.”

“What are you talking about?” His hands slide up my lap. “What is it?”

“Harry. I’m um, I’m pregnant.”

I watch him freeze and stay exactly how he is, his brows pinch ever so slightly. I knew this look. He looked still on the outside but his mind was racing. And I was scared what was racing through it.

“Pregnant?”

“Yeah. From…the holidays.”

“How did-I thought we-“

“I guess it’s not foolproof.” I whisper. Mum had told me to go on the pill, and I hadn’t listened because all my friends told me it made them gain weight. If only I had listened. Now I was gaining weight anyway.

“What are we going to do?” He asks next. And I never realized six little words could weigh the world. If I could cut those words out and surgically implant them into my heart I would. Just to remind me the equal parts relieved and comforted they made me.

I hold his face in my hands, new tears springing to my eyes. He was in this. With me.

He kisses me and pulls me into a hug. I cry into his shirt again and he holds me so tight I swear I could break.

“I don’t know if I can keep it Harry,” I finally whisper to him.

His hands fist in my shirt, he holds his breath and after a long minute he lets me go with it.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Was he really okay with all this?

“It’s…I can’t make you keep it.”

“You’d want to keep it?” I couldn’t believe it.

“It’s…” he swallows his sentence and keeps his gaze on my stomach. I tug his hand and lay it over it. When his eyes meet mine I see a hint of heartbreak. We were going to break our hearts either way I think.

Not once did I think he might want to keep it.

“It’s okay.” Harry finally says. “We’re so young right? How would we keep a baby and go to school, and do everything we always talk about?”

“Yeah I don’t…I don’t know.”

“I love you.” He says with such a sudden passion. I wrap my arms around his and return the sentiment.

Eventually we lay down and just talk about everything. Truthfully, my head was telling me not to keep the baby but everything else felt dead thinking about it.

Maybe that’s why it took me until April to finally make a decision. It was the size of a plum by then, and a tiny bump was starting to show but only when I stood naked in front of the mirror. With clothes on, nobody was the wiser. But the longer I kept it, I think the more Harry fell in love with it. The idea of it.

We have a long talk during our Easter holiday. We talked in my bedroom until the sun comes up. I tell him I was sure of my decision.

I’d gotten accepted to Cambridge by then. Harry was staying in London. We knew it wasn’t feasible. To live the life we always wanted, we had to get rid of this new life we never knew could happen.

I don’t know why but I don’t tell him the day I go to do it. I go with my mum. Mum drops my sister off at school—she didn’t know. Mum said she had a big mouth.

We drive in silence. When we park mum asks how I feel.

“Sad.” It was the truth. I knew this was right. But it felt like shite.

“Yeah.” She rubs my hands. “Want to go in?”

“I just want to sit here for a bit.” I tell her.

“Okay. I’ll go sign you in.”

She takes my purse and hers and leaves me there. I take the moment to ground myself. Say goodbye to the other future.

When mum knocks on my window I jump.

“Yn? Is everything alright?”

“Yeah yeah I’m coming in.” I open the door.

“You know you’ve been sitting here half hour?”

I pause, one leg out the door and one still in. “I…I must have got lost in my head. Sorry mum-“

“Look. Do you want to do this?”

“I don’t know…I have to.”

“There are other options love-“

“But how can I give it up and live my whole life like that?”

“We can help raise her. You can go on and live your life-“

“I’d be a horrible mother.” Mum and I had this row so many times before. It always ended in me storming away but I couldn’t here.

“You don’t need to make the decision today.”

“But I do.” I tell her. “Otherwise it’ll drive me insane.”

I tuck both feet back into the car and rest my hand on my belly. I’d allowed myself to do that only in my room, when I was alone. Doing it out here made it feel even more real. Suddenly I couldn’t imagine going through with the decision.

“I can’t do this.” I tell my mum.

She smooths my hair down and kisses my temple. My door closes and a few seconds later she climbs in beside me.

“Think about it.”

“I can’t. But I can’t keep it either.”

“Okay.” Mum pulls me into her and I think I should cry but I can’t. I’m calm, maybe I know I’d made the right decision. Or just a decision. I was going to stick to this.

“I can’t raise it. I’m just a child I…maybe someone out there wants a baby and can’t have one maybe-“

“I’ll look into it for you.” Mum promises. “You set the rules remember?”

And that’s how it goes. Mum looks into it, we decide to go for adoption. We go to the hospital on the first warm day of the year. By then I’d taken to wearing jumpers over flowy dresses and been thankful for the first time in my life that I wasn’t skinny like other girls. At most angles you couldn’t tell my belly was so perfectly round.

By then too, Harry had accepted the decision. He seemed relieved. Thinking aloud he’d said maybe he could raise it, but quickly turned around when I asked him what he’d do about uni.

“Someone out there can take care of it better than us. Someone will love the baby like we do.”

During the summer, I tell all my friends I was staying with family in midlands. And I do go up there, that’s where the couple who was adopting lived. Harry and I meet them with my mum and his. It’s awkward, we run out of conversation fast. But their house is big and they already have a 2 year old from an adoption last year. My baby was going to be loved here. And have a sibling.

“We did want to discuss one last thing,” they’d said before we left. We all listen intently. “We…find it best when it’s a no contact adoption. We’ve had a lot of friends who keep contact open and it gets messy-“

“What?” I hadn’t really thought about this until now. Hearing I’d have to give the baby up and go on like it didn’t exist felt wrong. Harry’s hand slips into mine.

“This is typical,” Harry’s mum says from his side. “Let’s hear it out.”

“Right. So just to prevent future complications, we do no contact. Of course when baby’s older and wants to seek out the real parents we can’t stop them. But until then…”

“Thank you.” My mum steps in when it goes silent. I could hardly wrap my head around what they were saying. When it gets older?

Pretty soon mum is ushering me out and Harry’s hand is still clutching mine. We don’t let go until we reach my Uncle’s where we were staying until August. The baby was due in September. I was going to miss the first week of class.

“I can’t do this.” I tell them later. “How can we just have no contact.”

“I thought you knew.” Mum says. “I explained that some parents want this when they adopt.”

She might have. Ever since I hit the third trimester like my doctor said, I’ve had a hard time listening and understanding what someone was saying after they spoke too long. I was glad school was done—for obvious reasons, but also for not having to sit in a class and learn.

“We have no other choice.” Harry says from beside me. He rubs my back and slowly, I zone back into the conversation. “We can find another family but they might want the same thing.”

“What if the baby never looks for us?” I turn to him, our heads press against the other’s. “What if we go our whole lives just wondering?”

“What’s the other option?” Harry whispers. He was right. I just didn’t want to get it.

Acceptance slowly creeps into me over the course of the summer. It was always hot carrying another person around, I was always hungry and thirsty, and very cranky. Harry came up to see me every other weekend when he could, mum stayed with me and that summer was one I could never forget.

It was September 1st, a particularly hot day. Rain fell in the afternoon and by the time the unforgiving sun set, the cool air was heavenly.

I sat by the bedroom window, moisturizing my belly like mum had shown me, talking to the baby. I wrote it a letter last week all about me, that I loved them and hoped the best for them. I told the baby about my family, how Harry and I met, and then I sealed it in an envelope with a picture of Harry and me. It was taken last Halloween when we’d both dressed up as each other. I tell mum to give it to the new parents. In case the day came the baby wondered about who we were.

As I spoke softly, I felt a gush of something wet down my leg.

“What?” I stand up, confused. “I…”

It takes me a second. I was going into labour.

“Mum!” I shout. “Mum! Come here!”

She rushes in and confirms it. It was happening.

“But it’s supposed to be next week!” I try not to panic but that’s all I can do as mum grabs our things and my aunt rushes to the car. “Does this mean something’s wrong? Is the baby o-“

I freeze as a contraction forces me to fold. I’d felt the kicking and the nausea and everything in between but these. These were a bitch.

Somehow we make it to hospital. Somehow I lay on a bed and push when the doctor tells me to. I nearly pass out. I just wanted Harry here with me. He didn’t know his kid was being born.

With a final push that felt like I was ascending my body and leaving it behind, I hear a wail and I cry. The baby was out, they cried and everything was okay.

“Okay congratulations mummy,” a nurse crouches down to me. “We’re going to clean you and baby up. She’s healthy and looks okay.”

“What?” I can barely see with my hair in my face and the nurses around me. It was a she? I had a baby girl?

We were never told the gender, so we wouldn’t get attached. But I had a baby girl. The nurse just called me mum.

I feel the tears on my cheeks, I was crying too. I try to look around me but a new nurse is talking in hushed voices to the doctor.

“…outside…call…adoption…shouldn’t or….contact-“

“What’s going on?” I can barely get the words out. “What?”

“Oh my love,” suddenly mum’s in the room and things are a bit better. A bit better.

“Mum what’s going on?”

“The baby’s born. The parents are outside they’re going to meet her soon.”

“What?” I look at mum’s face and it’s shining with tears. Why was she crying?

“Oh she’s beautiful love, she’s perfect. But your job’s done now. You should rest.”

“Mum,” I cry. “Where is she? Can’t I hold her?”

“No love,” mum moves my hair out of my face. I feel something break in half inside of me. I couldn’t even hold the baby? The baby girl? Mine and Harry’s baby girl?

“Why? Mum why? I just want to see her-“

“I’m sorry,” mum says through tears. “It’s just the way it is. She’s going to a loving home okay? She’s good. You’re okay.”

I can’t stop crying. I was going to lose her last April and I stopped that but I lost her anyway. My baby, I was never going to see her.

I remember when my sister was born. I was 5 and I was angry she’d taken the attention away. But when I saw her with her perfect toes and angel face I was obsessed with her. I even remember her first steps, she’d taken them at a park with mum and dad and me together. I was never going to know these things about my own baby. I was never going to know her.

I must pass out soon after. I remember waking up to the nurses instructing me about something. I’m half asleep and barely remember what I did when I get up. When I do wake it’s morning and there’s a figure on the chair beside me.

“You’re up.”

Harry. Relief washes over me knowing he’s here.

“Harry they took her,” I tell him.

“I know. I know yn.”

I move aside and he crawls into bed with me. I must look disgusting but he watches me with love brimming in his eyes. I can tell he’s been crying.

“I feel empty,” I whisper. Like someone had carved me out like a pumpkin. Something I’d had with me all year was gone. “How can I just move on? Start uni and all that when I…they just took her.”

“I keep thinking that.” Harry says. “Khalil invited me to a party to meet some blokes from uni and I just sat in my car the whole time. I couldn’t even go in. She…she was never going to be ours.”

“I feel awful.” I burrow into his neck as he strokes my hair. “A baby girl.”

“A baby girl,” Harry echoes.

***

I head to uni a week later. My body still feels like it fought a war and lost. It’s like it still thinks there’s a baby there. I produce milk for a few days, continue to have contractions, my belly is saggier than usual and I can’t stop crying about everything.

My dad drops me off to uni. He tells me he was proud of me, that I was always his baby girl. I cry then just like I cried at home when I said bye to mum, or when my sister hugged me which she never does. I can’t stop crying.

When I move into my dorm I feel like a completely different person than I thought I was going to be. My dormmate fills me in on everything she’s learned, complains about a boy and a party and it just feels so irrelevant to me. Did I used to care about those things? I had a baby. And now I didn’t.

By October, Harry and I are in different worlds. We hadn’t broken up but we talk weekly. Each week there’s less to talk about. When I visit home in October, being around him just makes me sad. He tries to cheer me up, make it like old times, but I know he’s hurting inside too.

I decide to do the breaking up. And at first he’s angry, insisting we could make it work. He actually refuses and walks away. We don’t talk for a whole day.

But at a house party in South where his uni mates were from, he accepts the end.

Through tears we kiss each other one final time, we whisper sweet nothings, we pour into each other all the hopes and wishes we had for each other.

When he hugs me for the last time I leave something behind. It’s similar to waking up the morning after my delivery and knowing something was gone. I really feel the shape of the loss. It sits in my sternum, a hole that grows smaller with time, but not just yet.

I fall into a depressed state for most of my first semester but my dormmate doesn’t give up on me and eventually I go to my first uni party. Eventually my brain fog clears and I actually go to all my classes. Eventually my life, on the outside, looks like it could be back to normal but inside I ache with the loss. So much that it becomes part of me. I don’t know where it ends, and I begin. It lives in me.

Age 23.

“The first of many hey?” Mal clinks his bottle to mine. I barely knew Mal but we were both friends with Khalil and therefore both at his stag.

“Before you know it we’re all going down,” one of Khalil’s friends joins in. “Stag after stag, suit after suit, it’s gonna be a blur man.”

“Let’s enjoy it while we can!” Someone cheers and everyone raises their beers. I toast with a smile; blokes loved to act like being in a relationship was the last thing they wanted when I knew most of them were mush in their girlfriend’s hands.

I also smile knowing I bought an engagement ring a few weeks back. I wanted to propose to Shannon, we met on her 22 when a friend invited me along. I couldn’t keep my eyes off the birthday girl. We’d been together since.

“Who do you think’s next?” The bets start going and nobody bets on me. Everyone always thought Shan was too good for me, they were counting on us breaking up. I was going to prove them all wrong.

The night gets sloppier until we all head back to the air bnb we’d rented for this. Tomorrow we were all supposed to go play golf like we were cosplaying old money bastards when we all knew we were just broke blokes from East. But I guaranteed they’d all be too hungover. We would get to the club and just drink the hangovers away.

And I’m right. I update Shan that I’m right when the boys stay in the dining area of the club. They decide on lunch and I step out to talk to my girlfriend.

“No birds allowed this weekend,” someone pipes in when I excuse myself.

“That’s just cuz you’re miserable Eli.” I brush past as the boys laugh. At me. And him.

I catch up with Shan. It was a bright day for September and I stay a little longer after the phone ends. Shan was in med school, she was always stressed or sleep deprived. I tried to support her the best I could—right now she needed moral support that she was going to get an internship she was applying for.

“Mummy doesn’t like when I have sweets,” a small voice says to my left. I look at a father with his daughter. He’s crouched down zipping her sweater up while she rambles on.

“Well it’s going to be our secret.” The dad says. “Sundays are for sweets aren’t they?”

“I love sweets.” She responds.

The father catches my eye and I shoot him a smile.

“Her mum’s going to hear every detail when we get home,” he says as he stands. “Can’t keep a secret to save her life.”

I laugh. The way she was rambling on, I didn’t think so. “How old’s she?”

“6.” He says, smiling down at her fondly. My heart aches.

“Almost 7.” She corrects her dad.

“Birthday’s in the spring.” He says more to me. “But almost 7 sure.”

I see them leave with one more shared smile, like we’re in on something. I imagine that’s how it would feel to be a parent. Always knowing something your kid doesn’t.

My daughter was 6. Wherever she was.

Thinking about the daughter I never had, the girl I lost always leaves me a little winded. Today’s no different.

Yn and I both made an agreement and it had been the hardest thing I’d done. Letting her go. It took me a proper year to even think about moving on.

I liked to think about yn, doing everything she wanted to do. But when I thought about the baby I spiralled into a dark pit. Sometimes when I drank too much, it pulled me in too deep to get out of. That’s what Shan liked to call my depressive drinking. She’s limited me to 3 drinks since.

Before I go in I take a minute to think about yn, where she might be. I hear from friends in high school random facts about her life. But I wonder how she’s doing. If she thinks about our baby like I do. How life would have been if I’d been here, calling her on the phone instead, asking if our baby girl was doing alright.

Age 29.

I stare at the nape of the man in front of me. It couldn’t be, but I’d memorized the back of his head—amongst other things, nearly 2 decades ago and I would bet £1000 I knew who this was. But I continue staring until the cashier rings him up.

In the same voice I remember, the one from my memories and my fantasies, I hear him say: “debit.”

I wait for him to pay before saying, “Harry?”

He turns so quickly he drops his card, wallet, and keys.

“Hi!” I laugh awkwardly and crouch down to help him pick his things up. There’s an awareness that the people in the queue behind me are witness to a moment that feels more intimate than a grocery store chat and it makes me shrink a little in my shell like a spooked turtle.

“Hi I-uh,” Harry short-circuits in front of me as the bored cashier holds his receipt out and stares at him with eyes that have worked one shift too many.

“I’ll just bag-“

“Yeah we can talk later.” I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile but it feels watery. I couldn’t believe of all the places I’d run into him, it was a grocery queue. How intense in such a mundane place.

As I watch my total rise on screen I risk a glance at Harry. His hand hovers over a white reusable bag, I wonder if that was his. Or his wife’s. If they did their weekly shop in a mismatch of bags that looked like that or they were the type of couple to have a set.

His eyes are on me though, somehow here and not here. I feel the same way.

I look back to the cashier asking me how I was paying. She glances between Harry and I. I don’t look back at him. Or the growing queue a few feet away.

I take my groceries—just some items my mum asked me to pick up, and stuff them into the tote I’m wearing. Harry waits for me by the exit.

“Hi.” He says as his eyes scan my face. I do the same, taking in all the ways time had spent with him. It must have been good—he looked good. “I can’t believe-“

“A Whole Foods of all places.” I laugh. A grin splits his face but his eyes stay on me.

“That smile, that laugh. God I’ve missed you.”

“I…missed you too.” How I could miss someone I’d known for one year and then never again for nearly two decades…I didn’t realize it was possible until now.

“Are you busy?” He asks. “Maybe we can grab a drink or?”

“I don’t…drink.” I hated that I had to announce it to people. I was still at the stage where I was figuring out how to say it confidently, or find a way around saying it.

“Oh.” Harry glances down at my belly and I realize he’d misunderstood but it’s too unspoken to correct him. “Cafe?”

“Yeah. That sounds lovely.” Honestly going anywhere with him sounded lovely right now. I wanted to cancel all my plans for the day and just sit with him. Stare at him and catch up. I couldn’t believe he was here.

We walk in a comfortable but waiting silence, like taking a cold drink out to a park with the anticipation it’s going to be good , and no desperation to open it as soon as you get it.

“Usual? Tea?” Harry asks when we step into a nearby cafe. It’s big for a cafe but has enough students working on laptops to not feel empty. I nod, unsure how to feel that Harry still knows what I order at a cafe. Or that my order hasn’t changed since 17.

I find us a booth and pretty soon he’s sliding into the seat across from me. The two of us can’t stop smiling.

“Hi,” he says again.

“Hi…”

“You look good, the same but better.”

“I was going to say the same thing about you!” I exclaim. More smiling.

“How’s…I mean, how are you? How is everything? What-“

“There’s so much to ask-“

“I don’t even know how to ask what I want to know!” Harry laughs and I’m warmed from the inside out at the sound of it.

“This shouldn’t be hard!”

“No.” He scrubs his face. “I’m really buzzing that we’ve run into each other.”

“Me too. It’s a bit unbelievable.”

“I know.” He continues gripping his cup and not taking his eyes off of me. It’s the exact way he used to look at me when we were teenagers. It nearly takes my breath away. “You look good—but I already said that. Sorry.”

“No,” I laugh. “That’s all that’s running through my head.”

“Oh—I remember hearing you were engaged a few years ago-“

“Yeah.” I turn my hand so he can see the ring. “Married now. You?”

“Yeah,” he looks down at his own hand. He had so many rings on I couldn’t tell from a glance. “Coming up to 5 years now.”

“Wow. It’s only 1.5 for me but Tatum and I—my husband, we’d been since uni.”

“Took him a while.”

“Mhm,” it had been a sore subject way back then. Harry says it casually but he studies my face. I know he wants to ask more but he’ll politely maneuver around it.

“Are you happy?”

I let out a breath. “That’s more complicated than anything else you could ask!”

“Is it?”

“Yeah I-“ I shrug. “I don’t know if I am. But I also have no idea what I could do about it. So. There’s that.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” My stomach curdles with his words. I didn’t want pity, least of all from Harry. Harry. I can’t believe he was here. “I get it though. Everyone says your 30s are even more glorious than your 20s. We’ll see soon enough if they’re right.”

I meet his eye, they always intimidated me to look too long into. Even now, I glance back down at my drink. When I look up again he has a wry smile twisting his lips. He knew.

I was sorry to hear life hadn’t been as good for him. And then I understand, it wasn’t pity he was giving me. He truly was sorry like I.

I thought about Harry often. Of course I did. I liked to imagine him living out his dreams like he always talked about. I liked to imagine him happy and thriving.

“Do you ever think about us?” I have to ask. “If we did it all differently?”

“We would have had a 12 year old with us.”

Hearing him say it feels like someone had taken a screwdriver and opened me up. Raw and exposed. But looking at him I know he thought about her as much as I had. Both of us were apparently mourning a future neither of us had fought for.

“Yeah,” I breathe but I just sound winded.

“We were trying, at one point—Shan and I.” Harry fiddles with his ring. “Did all the tests and the trials and the shite. But no kids. It put a real strain on my relationship. I think we cracked instead of bending. And I don’t think either of us know how to make it right again.”

I grasp his hand and squeeze. “I know what that’s like. It’s hard. I…a couple years ago. I lost a baby. A baby boy. I felt like it was a punishment for-“

“Don’t.”

We hold onto each other, our drinks long forgotten. He holds my hand and it feels like being known again, like I wasn’t such an awful person. That someone could see everything I’ve done and still choose to have love for me.

“I’m sorry.” He tells me.

“Me too.” I bite my lip. With a sigh I let him go and lean back. Here we’d been so excited to bump into each other but we’d both been carrying sorrow and grief. It wasn’t very hopeful.

“So I guess you’re not drinking because you’re-“

“No.” I say, surprisingly without feeling awkward. “I’m just sober right now. Trying to figure out life without a drink.”

“Sounds like torture but I respect that. Sounds hard.”

“It was at first. I like the feeling now of thinking clearly. But I miss a glass of wine I do sometimes.”

We smile at each other.

“So do you live around here?” Harry broaches talking again after both of us had lapsed into silence for a while. I blink away the fog of the past.

“Yeah. You?”

“Nah. Shan’s out of town and I was feeling lonely. Came over to visit my sister. I’m just staying with her for the week.”

“Lucky me then.” I smile.

“Lucky me too.” He smiles back. It’s soft. We’re soft. It felt impossible to me after all this time the tenderness was still the strongest thing between us.

We chat a bit more, much about nothing. What we did for a job, anyone we still kept in touch with from school. Nothing that meant a lot.

“I need to head off now,” I say when my phone buzzes for a second time. “I was on my way to my mum’s. She keeps calling me.”

“Yeah. Don’t want to keep you.” Harry says but he stays seated. So do I.

We continue just studying the other until my phone rings again and I laugh. “It was…I really loved seeing you.”

I slide out and Harry mirrors me. I still come to his chest, he still smells the same and stands the same and looks just as handsome.

“How about uhm, how about dinner some time?” Harry asks. I knew it was coming, it’s still painful saying no.

“I…can’t. I…we can’t just do dinner, can we?”

“No,” Harry bows his head. We had too much history to just do dinner. From what he said—and I knew, both our lives were too complicated to add the allure of each other into the mix. I couldn’t do that to my life as tempted as I was. Especially not sober.

“Yeah.” He stands straight again and gives me space to head to the door. “Good seeing you. Give your mum my best if she doesn’t hate me.”

“She doesn’t.” I assure him. We stand awkwardly not sure if a kiss, a hug, or a wave was appropriate. We settle for a hug.

I remember the last time I was enveloped in his arms, tucked away into his tall frame. When we said goodbye forever, agreed to live our best lives separately. We’d both been too scarred to be anything together. Too much grief.

“Maybe we’ll run into each other again.” Harry smiles at me when we part.

“Maybe,” I say knowing full well I wouldn’t do groceries on the weekend anymore.

With a final wave we both part ways again, this time it doesn’t feel as much like closure.

Age 35.

“Graduation’s graduating, what a mouthful.” I say to Andie. We sit in the parking lot of a local pub back home. Both of us had avoided reunions after going to the first one 10 years ago and being reminded of how much people liked to remind you of who you used to be. But this year Andie found out an old flame was going and single. And this is the first year I saw that Harry had checked off going. So we’d decided to go together.

I could have easily reached out to him. Asked him about meeting up there. But I didn’t want to come across any way. I remember our run-in 6 years ago. We felt the same way—we would do anything for each other, and I didn’t want any affect over him coming. Last I heard he was still in a relationship. Just cuz I was didn’t mean I had to ruin another.

“Okay. We going in?” Andie passes me her flask.

I’d taken to drinking again. Originally I stopped after a particularly bad night when I was 28. It nearly cost me my wedding back then.

I stopped to get sober. To feel what it felt like not to rely on alcohol to keep from feeling my emotions. I had a lot of grief I never processed. And unfortunately being sober, and processing the grief and depression, had ultimately cost me my marriage. But I was better for it. I knew what unconditional love and support was. I didn’t want to settle for someone who only loved me at my best.

Now I felt in control when I drank. I knew when to stop.

“Let’s go!”

“Do you think he’ll remember me?” Andie asks as we walk up to the place.

“You comment on so many of his posts. I think he does.” I tease.

“Gah. It would have saved me so much heartbreak if I just told him back 18 years ago how I felt.”

“Maybe,” I think about my confessed love 18 years ago and the heartbreak that ensued.

“Well at least I would have gotten him outta my system. Oh god I see him-“

“Hi ladies,” we’re stopped near the front and given name tags, making small talk with the girls working the booth. I vaguely remember them from a club but I have to read their name tags to pretend I remembered them at all.

Andie ditches me pretty quickly but I don’t mind. I find some friends I saw a couple times a year. Guess this was the couple time this year.

The whole time my eyes scan the room. People had brought their partners and I wondered if Harry would do the same. Deep down, I prayed he didn’t. I just wanted to see him.

I spot him halfway through the night. He’s leaning against the bar talking to Khalil. I remembered they used to be friends, he was always nice to me while Harry and I dated.

I watch him talk and drink. I lose him for a bit and then catch him leaving. Shite.

I excuse myself and rush out but nearly trip over myself slowing down. He was just outside for a smoke break.

“When did that habit start?” I ask. He nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Fu-y/n you scared me.” He shakes his face dramatically, like he’s getting something off of it. I bite back a smile, he was pretty drunk. “When did you get here? I didn’t know you came to these things?”

“I don’t.” I correct him. I couldn’t tell him I came for him. “It was just the name of this reunion, Graduation’s graduating. How could I pass it up?”

This earns a laugh. Eases the air between us. “Did you see Oli in there? He’s gotten bald.”

“He looks like his dad actually,” I remember his dad was always coming to Oli’s football matches, screaming at his son to run faster.

“Glad you didn’t end up with him?” Harry smirks.

“Oh yeah. I heard last reunion he just kept going up for the karaoke sober. If I want my bloke to embarrass me, at least give him the excuse of being drunk.”

“Shit,” Harry laughs. “I remember that! I remember! Wish I could forget!”

I laugh with him. “Harry you’re getting pretty close to drunk yourself.”

“Ah yeah. More than 3 drinks that, I’m being naughty tonight.”

I scrunch my nose, no idea what he’s talking about.

“I can’t believe you’re here tonight,” Harry says again. “I thought I wasn’t going to see you again for another 12 years after our last time.”

“Thought I’d halve the time.” I watch Harry squash out the butt.

“Glad you did.” He looks at me and I’m 17 again. Why couldn’t we both be single? Why did I come here knowing I couldn’t have him.

Maybe I was as masochistic as the person who invented maths.

“Yn?” A voice calls out to me. “Oi! It is you I thought I was dreaming you up! What a sight!”

I’d been avoiding Oli all night. Not anymore.

I glance at Harry and he hides a smirk. Oli notices Harry then and his face hardens a little.

“Oli! Long time!” I go in for the hug he’s reaching for, unsure why he was so sweaty on an autumn night. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” he grins at me. “You look good! Not a day over 25.”

“Don’t flatter me Oli,” I roll my eyes. “It’s not going to get you anything.”

“I’m not looking! I swear it!” He says earnestly. “I’m just paying you a compliment. It’s good to see you. Hey, I’m actually in a good relationship. Gonna propose to her.”

“Are you? What’s she like?”

I stand in the brisk evening as Oli tells me about his girlfriend. I’m happy for him, what we had in high school wasn’t really a relationship but I never wished him bad. He was a good guy, I was glad he found his person.

I change the subject when he asks about my love life, tell him I was getting cold. We head back in and I tell him I’d catch up to him later. I’d lost Harry and wanted to find him again. I had more I wanted to talk about.

“Khalil,” I interrupt him playing pool. He goes in for a hug and I engage in polite small talk until I tire of it. “I’m looking for Harry.”

“Of course you are,” he wags a finger at me. “I saw him leaving ten minutes ago?”

“Jeez really?” I couldn’t believe I missed him! After coming here just for him. Maybe he had to get home, maybe he had a kid by now. Had to tuck him in.

“He’s not doing so well since the divorce-“

“What?” I stare at Khalil like he’s spoken gibberish. Why hadn’t I heard about that?

“Ehm yeah. He’s pretty private about it.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Yeah. He’s been separated a few years now but he just signed the papers a couple weeks ago. I dunno. He gets kinda depressed around this time of year. Probably the weather.”

It was September. It wasn’t the weather.

I had to find him.

I brush past the people I went to school with. I followed Harry outside to a roof 17 years ago and today I follow him out to find him again. We needed to talk.

I look both ways, hoping for a miracle.

I spot a figure slumped on the far end of the road. I recognize the church, it was where we went every Easter and Christmas growing up.

I walk towards the figure until I can make out the hair. It was Harry. Thank god.

“Why’d you leave?” I ask him when he looks up to my approaching footsteps.

“I drank too much,” he hangs his head again. I sit beside him.

“I heard about the divorce. I’m sorry.”

Harry shrugs. “We separated a while ago. It was coming for a long time.”

“Yeah. Still.” I say.

We sit in silence, the only sound is our breathing and the faint noises from the pub down the road.

“She’s in her last year by now.” I say without further explanation. I know he’d know.

“Our baby’s 17.”

Our baby? I feel choked up. All these years we’d been apart, built our own lives, and there was still an our even when there hadn’t been.

“It’s always been us hasn’t it?” Harry says. “Nobody understands.”

“They couldn’t. We were so young, making such a big decision.”

“Oh y/n.” He leans into me and I wrap my arm around his shoulder. He’s cold, his jacket pooled on the steps around him. I gather it to spread over his shoulder but he stops me. “How much heartbreak can you have in one lifetime?”

I sit, aching for the pain Harry was going through. Knowing it was mirrored in me.

“I’ve had enough for a lifetime. I know that.”

“Me too.” Harry sighs. “I miss you.”

“I’m right here.” I intertwine our hands. They still fit the exact same, all these years later. I examine them, but they looked the same too. I wonder if our baby girl ever looked at her hands, wondered who she inherited them from.

“D’you think she thinks about us?” Harry asks what I’m thinking.

“Maybe.” I say. “I like to think so. I just hope she doesn’t hate us for giving her up.”

“Yeah me too I think…” he hangs his head. I hear him sniffle. Seems like Harry hit the point of drinking where all you could feel is regret. I remember those days. I knew where he was.

When he doesn’t finish his sentence I fill the silence; “Me and Tatum split uh…four years ago now.” I update him. “You probably heard something about it. I remember my mum saying she ran into yours when it was happening. They probably talked all about it.”

I wait for Harry to give confirmation but he stays the way he is.

“I went sober a few years before then. Almost ruined our wedding cuz I was exactly where you were. Unprocessed grief and all I could do was drink about it. I’d given up a baby at 18, then lost a baby a decade later. It feels silly to say out loud, that something that never really came into this world—something the size of a fruit could act like the rock you push up the hill every morning. The grief you fight at your darkest times. How could we be haunted by something that didn’t even exist—not technically. But that’s just the way it was. And that’s the way it had to be when we were 18. I’m not always sure I made the right decision overall but I know it was a decision we had to make at the time. I’ve had to find my peace. So do you Harry.”

“Yeah. I-I have to. Y’know? Sometimes I wonder if I would have made her proud.” Harry sniffles. I had similar thoughts. My throat feels tight remembering. “I don’t think, right now, I would be.”

“She’s so loved. She is so loved Harry. Whatever…wherever she is.”

“I love you.” Harry turns to me. His face is raw with grief and emotion. “Never stopped loving you. But I don’t want to give you this version of me.”

“I’ll take any version of you Harry.” I reassure him. “I think we’ve seen too much of each other to be able to hide anything away.”

He tips forward slowly until his head rests on my chest. I hold him there, just like he’d done for me so many years ago. I tell him the type of thing that meant everything to me back then and I hope it helps him to hear it: “We’ll get through this Harry.”

***

“I don’t remember getting here.”

I look up from my book, Harry stands in my kitchen with a confused look on his face. It was weird seeing him here in my flat. But it was so right too.

“We walked home. I thought you sobered up.”

“Nuh-uh.” He takes a few steps towards me, hesitant.

“Coffee?”

“Maybe I’ll take a shower first?”

“First door on your right. Extra towels in the cupboard.”

“Thanks.”

We look at one another for a beat before he moves back. I make another pot of coffee and clean up from breakfast while he showers.

Next time he walks back in he looks a lot better. Smells nice too.

“Black please.” He says when I hold the coffee up.

I pour him a cup and watch him sip it.

“Thank you for last night.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” I tell him.

“I remember what you said to me. You’re right of course. I think I knew it, I just didn’t have anyone to talk to about it with. Nobody knew about us…”

“You didn’t have to keep it a secret ‘til this day Harry.” I was surprised he had. “You didn’t even tell any of your friends?”

“The only people who knew were my family, a-and Shan. But. Year after year it didn’t mean the same thing to her. I stopped talking to her about it pretty quickly. Think it made it worse because her and I couldn’t actually…”

“Yeah.” I understood.

“But I realized. I think it was losing both of you. I feel like you were taken away too. We just went from being around each other all the time to cold turkey. That was a loss too so…”

“Yeah.” Again, I understood.

“I’m 35. I’ve gotta…get my head on straight.”

I examine him. “Looks okay to me?”

He smiles and puts his cup down.

“I’m sorry to hear about your divorce.”

“Meh that was years ago. Hard then. Fine now. For the best.”

“I agree,” Harry moves around the table to stand where I am. My heart pulses just like it always does around him. He rests a hand on my hip, dragging it up to wrap around my waist. He must feel how hard my heart’s beating. “Did I tell you? That I love you?”

“Maybe?” I feel myself growing more present. The hole that always lived inside of me growing even smaller in this moment. It allows me to settle on the floor better; less air, more weight.

“Well I do. I love you. At 17, or at 35.” He says this with a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth.

“Well. I love you.” I return the kiss, relish in the way his hand grips my tank. “At 17, or 35.”

“Sometimes I wish I held on tighter at 17. But I look at you now and I’m excited to get to know you again.”

His words pour over me like honey. It was sweet we were still on the same page.

“I’m not letting you go this time.” Harry whispers in my ear. He pulls me in tight, swaying from side to side. “I want to spend 41 and 50 with you. I want all of you, every side.”

“Perfect,” I peer up at him. “That’s exactly what I want too.”

“And maybe one day,” he continues in a hush voice. “We’ll get a call from a young girl. She’ll tell us all about her life in a town up north. About a picture she has of her mother dressed like her father and her father dressed like her mother.”

“She’ll tell us she’s had a good life, and she’s thought about the people in the picture. She’d tell us she wants to meet them.”

“We would be able to show her the love we kept for her. Our love’s like a venn diagram, the bit in the middle is just for her. She’d know why she was born in the first place.”

“Closure,” I whisper to him. “We would know closure.”

I remember the day she was taken, how the loss of not even being able to see her felt bigger than the loss of her itself back then.

I think of a 17 year old girl, with green eyes and brown hair. With my smile and Harry’s dimples. My hands, and Harry’s height. She was loved by people, families, that she didn’t even know existed yet.

They say if you love something, let it go. If it’s meant to be it’ll come back.

As Harry and I stay intertwined in the kitchen of my flat, I send out a wish into the universe for her like I did most days. That she was healthy, happy, and one day curious enough to seek us out. That one day, she would come back.

Right now I focus on the man in my arms. The one I never thought I’d get to hold again. For now this was all I needed. I’d loved him, let him go, and after so many years apart, we were back.

[fandomnerd9602]

Midnight

Stepsister!Wanda x Reader

For @lifespectator and @aloneodi

It all started the day your mom brought home her new boyfriend, Django, and with him came his daughter: Wanda Maximoff.

You could feel something stir within you the moment her eyes met yours and she gave you a shy smile. You could practically feel your heart beating out of your chest.

You and her were 12 at the time. You get like you weren’t old enough to like girls yet.

That was roughly seven years ago. Django and your mom married, making you and Wanda step siblings. You thought that being siblings now would’ve made your heart not look at her in that way anymore. And yet it persisted. No other girl in middle school or high school could compare to her.

Wanda, for the most part, didn’t date either. She was an introvert to the highest degree. She opened up to only two people in her life: you and her best friend Natasha.

Well she did start to date when you and her got to college. Her boyfriend was Vis, a foreign exchange student from England. He seemed proper enough but you hated him for taking Wanda away from you. The only times you ever saw Wanda was on weekends and in between college classes but he was always on her hip.

And so that brings you to New Years Eve. You promised your mom that you, Wanda, and Vis, who had never met your folks, would be home for the New Year. That didn’t mean that the three of you couldn’t stop off at a little college get together for the night first.

The party was loud, you couldn’t see or hear much over the mixture of music and voices. You tried to stay close to Wanda. This really wasn’t her forte.

“Come on Wanda,” Vis’ English accent tried to entice her. “It’s new years, what other way is there to celebrate?”

You turned and saw Vis trying to get Wanda up the stairs to one of the bedrooms. You gritted your teeth as one of your friends dragged you off for a split second.

The next thing you knew, you lost sight of both Wanda and Vis. Your heart broke to think that Wanda could’ve really been with someone else.

And then you caught sight of Wanda, tears streaming down her cheeks as she bolted out the door and into the cold. You turned to see Vis already making out with some other random chick.

You ran out into the blistering cold. That Vis was a jerk, making out with some other gal that wasn’t his date. You wanted to sock him in the jaw but Wanda was your bigger concern.

“Wanda?” You nearly shouted into the cold December air. You found her a few feet in front of you, crying her eyes out.

“Hey Red” you gently approach your stepsister and wrap an arm around her. She immediately turns around and buries her face in the crook of your neck.

“Take me home” she mutters against your skin.

You nod and guide her to your car. The ride home was quiet and somber. Wanda tried to wipe away a few fresh tears.

“I wouldn’t give it to him” she muttered.

“Huh?”

“He wanted to-and I wouldn’t.” She tries to say through her tears. “So he went off with another girl.”

“You did good” you reassured her. “Vis was a jerk”

“Papa would’ve hated him”

“I hated him from the moment I met the guy. Accent or not, Vis was no gentleman” you muttered. You even did a mocking accent earning a giggle from your step sister.

You guide her back into your family home. The clock on the mantle read ten minutes to midnight. Wanda settled onto the couch. You went and brewed some tea for her.

You brought in two mugs of piping hot tea. Wanda blew on hers a little. “Sorry I ruined your New Year’s party” she whispers.

“I’d rather be with you than let you suffer alone” you take a sip.

“Almost midnight” Wanda gives you a shy smile, “sorry you didn’t have someone to kiss”

“None of the gals there interest me” you shrug.

“What? You need to find yourself a girlfriend. You’ve never had one. Middle school. High school. Now college? Why?”

You take a deep breath, “because no girl can compare to the one who loves Florence and the Machine, Harry Potter, and old black and white sitcoms…”

Wanda gasps and then begins to tear up as you continue.

“The girl who gave my darkest days hope. The one whose smile lights up my world. The girl I’ve been in love with since I wasn’t supposed to like girls”

Wanda wipes away a few tears, “Vis wasn’t the one I loved. You are. I just thought it was too crazy…you and me…but we’re older now and…and…”

You gently wipe away a tear from her eye with your thumb and pull her into your arms. “Wanna be my New Years kiss?”

“We’ll” she giggles, “there’s no one else around so…five…”

You laugh, “four”

Her pupils dilate. Her eyes show only adoration for you. “Three”

“Two” you pull her closer.

“One” she whispers as you pull one another into a gentle kiss.

The sound of distant fireworks ring in the new year. But it didn’t matter for you and Wanda. You finally had the love of your life in your arms.

“My detka,” she sighs as she pulls back. She looks at you, you look at her. She giggles before immediately kissing you again. Her lips were like the sweetest thing you’ve ever tasted.

What would her father or your mother think? It didn’t matter right now. You’ll take it one day at a time.

But for now, it was a new year. Full of new possibilities and new adventures awaiting for you and Wanda Maximoff, the little witch who always had your heart.

[greenteadumplings]

You can't talk about queer and trans rights and Harry Potter marauders on the same day. If u like harry potter you are actively a terf. Read some other books for god's sake

I was genuinely not gonna respond to this but the thought that this might be one of my mutuals made me think I need to give an explanation.

First of all, everything I have been reblogging or posting related to marauders is fanon and fanfiction. Numerous fanfictions scattered around AO3 where the characters are painfully gay. And in numerous fics Regulus is often portrayed as Trans and if it's not one of the biggest fuck you to JK Rowling's disgusting trans and ace views I don't know what is. And if I really am a terf as you are claiming me to be, I don't think a terf will be reading about trans joy.

Secondly, I didn't buy new books or merch from which the author will be benefited from. All I have been doing is engaging in fan culture is mostly through fanfics and fan art. I never stop anyone from reading the og harry potter books too, because I don't think literature of any kind should be restricted to anyone curious. What I do is encourage them to thrift or download from non profitable websites so jk Rowling won't get her royalties. And marauders is something which explores identity and community property and I love how the fandom provides a safe space for it. Marauders is something you tried to take a dig on is truly hilarious.

Finally, I am someone who grew up with harry potter. Harry potter series is the reason I'm alive today. I respect and love those books. I can still like the work, engage in fan culture and hate the author while making sure she won't be getting all those benefits from me. Her opinions disgust me but harry potter is not just nostalgia for me but I still genuinely like it, flaws and all. I'm aware it's not perfect and it has its moments but I still love it. And I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not letting her ruin the joy harry potter brings me. As cringe as it sounds I'm someone who still thinks Hogwarts is my home and I'm not gonna let her ruin it for me. Marauders is something which helps me rediscover it. If it's not something u would enjoy i understand it but it's really unfair of you to draw those conclusions on someone.

I'm someone who actively fights for lgbtqia rights and T is not silent in that.

[httpvomitello]

Hello! I’d Like to make an order, can I get uhhhhhhhh Harry Potter fic with Draco Malfoy x reader, where the reader is everything that Draco is supposed to hate: Gryffindor, muggle born, loud and proud, a fighter,(maybe even an American transfer student OOOO but that’s up to you), and above all else not afraid of him or his family and their influence/wealth. But if he is supposed to hate them, then why does he want to kiss them so badly?!

I just find the idea of Draco having a crisis about liking somebody he is taught to despise and trying to cause it away only for it to come right back funny. Meanwhile the reader is thinking about messing up his perfect hair. Affectionately of course!!

Thank you!! 💚

Oooooh, i love writing those kind of thing! Enemies to lovers are so... *chef kiss*. I hope you like it ~ ♡

(btw guys, i'm also taking requests for the avengers now!)

Something Like Defiance .｡*･ﾟﾟ

Summary: Draco’s meant to hate them. His father would expect him to hate them. So why can’t he stop staring? Why do their smirks make his heart race? Why does he want—so badly—to kiss them?

draco malfoy x gn!reader

It started with a spark. A spark of irritation, obviously.

That’s what Draco told himself.

Because the first time he saw you, you were sitting at the Gryffindor table, laughing loud enough to draw glances from all four Houses. You were new—an American transfer, apparently. Which explained the accent, the attitude, and the utter disregard for the way things were supposed to be.

You sat with your feet propped on the bench, half-eaten treacle tart in your hand, arguing with Seamus Finnigan about whether American or British wizarding candy was superior.

You were grinning. Bright. Unbothered. Infuriating.

“Who the hell is that?” Draco had asked, sneering.

“Transfer from Ilvermorny,” Blaise replied, sipping pumpkin juice. “Gryffindor, obviously. You can hear them from three corridors away.”

“Fantastic,” Draco muttered, turning back to his breakfast. “Another loud-mouthed idiot.”

He told himself that was all it was.

But then there was that first class together.

Defense Against the Dark Arts. You were late, sauntering in with your bag half-zipped and your tie hanging loose around your neck.

“Sorry, Professor,” you said, not sorry at all. “Got lost. Staircases here have commitment issues.”

Snickers echoed around the room. You dropped into the only open seat—right beside him.

Draco stared ahead, jaw tight.

“Hiya,” you said cheerfully. “You always this stiff, or is it just me?”

He turned slowly. “Do you always sound like you’ve had too much coffee and not enough sense?”

You smirked. “Only on weekdays.”

And just like that, it started.

The back-and-forth. The banter. The arguments in class that had the whole room turning their heads. You never backed down. You challenged him. Mocked him. Called him out when he acted like a pureblood prince—and you never, not once, looked afraid.

It should’ve pissed him off.

Instead, it thrilled him.

He caught himself watching you.

Too often. Too long.

When you threw your head back laughing at something Weasley said. When you answered questions in class with way too much confidence for someone who hadn’t grown up with a wand in their hand. When you wore your robes like a second skin, like you belonged here, like you were daring the school to try and say otherwise.

You were everything he was taught to hate.

But Draco couldn’t bring himself to hate you.

He hated that.

“You’re staring again,” Pansy said, dryly.

“I’m not,” he snapped.

“You are,” Blaise added, flipping a page in his book. “If you stare any harder, your eyeballs are going to launch across the room.”

Draco glared at both of them. “I’m just watching the disaster in real time.”

“The ‘disaster’ that helped Neville Longbottom reverse a hex you couldn’t?” Pansy arched an eyebrow. “Or the one that shut down Professor Binns with an actual argument and won?”

He huffed and shoved his books into his bag.

He didn’t want to talk about it.

Didn’t want to talk about how he dreamt about your voice sometimes. Or how he found himself imagining what your hand would feel like in his. Or how your insults felt less like daggers and more like sparks dancing over his skin.

No.

Absolutely not.

It boiled over during a duel.

Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. Professor McGonagall’s “friendly exercise in inter-house teamwork.” Which, in Draco’s opinion, was absolute crap.

Especially when you were standing across from him, wand in hand, grinning like you’d been waiting for this exact moment.

“Scared, Malfoy?” you called. “You look tense.”

“Oh, please,” he sneered. “This won’t take more than five seconds.”

“Bet you five galleons it does,” you shot back.

The duel started with a flurry of spells—non-lethal, McGonagall’s rules. But your magic was quick. Unpredictable. Creative. You nearly knocked him off his feet with a well-placed trip jinx, and he had to duck a disarming charm that singed his robe sleeve.

He finally hit you with a light stunner that knocked you back on your ass. And you laughed. Full-bodied, wild laughter.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he demanded.

“Is that what winning feels like for you?” you grinned up at him. “Must be lonely at the top.”

And that was the moment.

Right there, with you on the ground, flushed, laughing, completely unfazed—Draco knew.

He didn’t hate you.

He wanted to kiss you.

He wanted to shut you up and pull you close and figure you out. He wanted to know if your lips were as sharp as your comebacks. If you'd taste like defiance and fire and everything he wasn’t supposed to want.

After that, he started avoiding you.

Or trying to.

Which didn’t work, because you were everywhere.

And then one day, in the library, you cornered him.

“Hey, blondie.” You leaned on the table where he sat, arms folded. “You avoiding me?”

“No,” he said quickly. “Why would I?”

You tilted your head. “Because you won’t look at me anymore. And you’ve stopped calling me loud, which honestly? Kind of offensive.”

He exhaled sharply. “You’re impossible.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” you smirked.

“Why are you like this?” he snapped. “Why do you—why do you have to be so... everything?”

You blinked. “I don’t follow.”

“Loud. Proud. Brave. Fearless.” His voice dropped. “You’re everything I shouldn’t want. You’re a Muggle-born. A Gryffindor. An American, for Merlin’s sake. You don’t care about bloodlines or politics or any of it. You mock it.”

You watched him carefully. “So why do you care?”

“Because I can’t stop thinking about you,” he said, voice low and broken.

Silence.

Your expression shifted, mouth softening. “Then stop fighting it.”

He looked up, startled.

You were closer now. You reached out, fingers brushing his sleeve.

“You want to kiss me?” you asked, voice teasing—but gentle, curious.

He swallowed. Nodded once.

You leaned in, closing the space, eyes locked with his.

“Then kiss me.”

And he did.

Merlin, he did.

[neverenoughmarauders]

In defence of Remus Lupin

On behalf of James Potter who is unable to come to his aid on account of being dead.

I don’t for a second believe James would blame Remus for not checking in on Harry.

Firstly, Sirius proves in the way he questions Harry in POA that he believes Harry to be reasonably happy with his aunt and uncle (which is odd given Sirius sees him run away but nevermind). Why would Remus think any differently? He will have believed Harry to be well taken care of. Remus also trusted Dumbledore like nobody else. If Dumbledore believed Harry to be taken care of, why would Remus doubt it?

Remus should still have checked you say, and yes, had he been healthy, I’m sure James would have agreed.

Which brings me to secondly. Throughout the series we see how little Remus values himself. He doesn’t truly seem to believe it worthwhile to fight to keep his position as DADA teacher, when Harry and his class does. Remus believes that his wife and unborn child would be better off without him. And I’m sure he believed Harry to be better off without him too.

I’m sick of people not understanding how real this feeling of people being better off without him feels like to Remus. He’s shunned all his life for what he is. Even the more progressive people don’t want their children or loved ones around werewolves (as proven by Molly in OOTP at St. Mungo’s). Tonks becomes a target to the woman who does eventually kill her because she married Remus. (There’s a real question whether Tonks could have survived the battle of Hogwarts if Bella hadn’t been so set on murdering her). Would running away have helped Tonks or Teddy? No, but that’s missing the point. Remus believes it would. And Remus would have believed Harry was better off without him.

I can’t possibly know what James would have felt but from what we see of James and Sirius’ friendship with Remus, I think they knew better than anyone how inferior Remus felt, how dangerous and contaminated he believed himself to be.

This assertion is not completely unfounded because so did everyone else. As much as I hate the HBP scene when the whole room talks Remus into marrying Tonks, and as much as JKR does an awful job at selling their story as anything other than a doomed, random and forced relationship - the idea is meant to be that they are both in love with each other. The idea is meant to be that the other adults aren’t pressuring Remus into doing something he doesn’t want to do. It’s meant to be them knowing how much Remus will not date or marry the person he loves because he does not consider himself worthy of it. It should have been a scene that was one more data point on how much Remus’ condition affected his self-worth and life choices. A scene in which in the absence of Sirius and James and Dumbledore, the other people in Remus’ life step up to remind him he’s good enough!

In my view it fails to deliver this completely (and it’s a real tragedy as JKR finally takes time to elaborate on just how affected Remus is by his condition), but ignoring the execution for a second - if Minerva, Molly, Arthur and Tonks could see how much Remus would never believe himself good enough, then James and Sirius would know it a thousand times more.

Of course the confident fanon version is a different story. He should have and would have checked up on Harry. But hating canon Remus for not checking up on Harry shows a lack of empathy in my view. Rewriting the story so that Remus was forbidden to see Harry takes away from the tragedy that is Remus’ life: this idea that he believed the world would be better without him - when so many people know it would be infinitely worse.

[iyuzziiiiii05]

Mozenrath modern AU head canons

Because he is evil tall and handsome (arguably…)

(

-OKAY SO BOOM. First off let’s start off with ethnicity, I (this is an opinion) found him to be Turkish. Like I don’t know why I just looked at him and thought ‘🇹🇷’. But since Aladdin and the whole of Agrabah were supposed to be Persian. (I think, they never specified this so I’m going off of hopes and dreams here ppl), so he’s half and half. This is because… *suspenseful music* Mozenrath and Aladdin were supposed to be half brothers, Their father Cassim (I’m guessing that’s how it’s spelt), was in the third Aladdin move and the whole TV show after the second Aladdin movie takes place in between that time frame, and Mozenrath was supposed to be in the movie but unfortunately his voice actor died (RIP Johnathan Brandis).

-Back to the future! He’s a 20-year old college student, majoring in chemistry, and minoring in history. He puts more effort into his minor than his major. Usually he’s in the dorms, but then over break he goes home.

-He lives with Cassim and his half brother, Aladdin, who is a senior in high school and brings his girlfriend Jasmine around too often. Mozenrath actually thought Jasmine was pretty until he was yelling at Aladdin for no reason and Jasmine defended Aladdin and now he hates her.

-He’s bisexual with a preference for women, but he’s actually kissed a man before when he was a freshman in high school. And the man was older than him by a lot, this is because before he met Cassim and began living with him, he didn’t have an actual parental figure. His step father, Destane had shut him up with money and hoped for the best, so Mozenrath was often left to his own accord.

-This ends up messing him up a little as he sees things he’s not supposed to see, does things he shouldn’t do and leaves him with mental health issues that he ultimately ignores, which ends up snowballing into ruining his social skills and making him bitter about basically everyone.

-He has an extremely strained relationship with Cassim. This is because that he believes since Aladdin looks more like Cassim and wasn’t a product of a one night stand like he was, he thinks Cassim favorites Aladdin.

-He has a very small friend group, and 3 out of the four people in that group he doesn’t like. He also has a pet eel that he’s not supposed to have named Xerxes.

-The type of sibling who crashes out in his room and then when Aladdin sees it’s worse.

“Hey, Mozenrath! Dad’s ordering food, and Jasmine’s coming over, you want something- Woah! You okay?”

“Dammit- Ugh!! ALADDIN GET THE HELL OUT MY ROOM!!”

-That’s just the average interaction between the two of them. And Mozenrath can be eerily calm about the most life threatening things but at the same thing crashout over the smallest things. He needs everything to be organized and has NO time for petty annoyances.

-He has a huge collection of ancient historical books detailing the most horrible wars and he reads it all with a calm face. He has a huge interest in the history of black magic and anything to do with that sort of things. But could not bring himself to watch Harry Potter.

-He is HORRIBLE to work with in group projects. Everything must be done a certain way because he knows the best and if it’s not done a certain way. A small mistake? you’ll probably get a condescending, snarky remark from him, an eye roll and a scoff. A big one? You’re finished

Mozenrath crossed his arms as he shared at the project document on his laptop. The information was totally wrong and his group mate had thought they were doing it on a different person.

And had made 10 slides worth of information.

The project was also due that night.

“So… this is what you give me after three entire days worth of work. Wrong person, horrible vocabulary and just no effort…. YOU IDIOT- THIS PROJECT IS DUE TONIGHT!!!”

[sitp-recs]

any recs for jealous harry? especially before they’re in a relationship. i think i’ve read most of them. but just in case i’d love to see if you have any!

thanks :)

Hi anon! I’ve seen more and more jealous Harry recently, good food 🤌🏼 here’s my reclist with jealous Harry and some additional recs for early jealousy before they get together. Enjoy!

The Real Thing by @skeptiquewrites (M, 5k)

Harry only means to cheer Draco up after a terrible breakup. He doesn't mean to fall in love.

Two of Us by @sorrybutblog (E, 5.5k)

The gang goes to a gay bar. Or: five times Harry accidentally pretended to be Draco’s boyfriend and one time Draco told him to put out or shut up.

Deadheading the Odd Dahlia by @peachpety (E, 8.7k)

Harry is content to spend his days at Draco’s flower stall at the farmers market, burying his true feelings in artisanal coffee and rose bouquets. When forced to find new lodgings, he accepts Draco’s offer to live in a cottage at Malfoy Manor, and his long-hidden crush blossoms out of control. Turns out, proximity makes the heart grow fonder.

Let Me Roll It by @lagerloutfic (E, 9.5k)

The thing about Harry was, he hated most people. And there was no one he hated more than Draco’s boyfriend Justin - certified knob and all round wanker. So when he finds out Justin is just as selfish inside the bedroom as he is outside it, Harry can’t help himself.

Peep Show by @kbrick (E, 10k)

To everyone’s surprise, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy have become maybe-possibly-sort-of friends. When Harry moves into the building next to Draco's, they become neighbors, too. Actually, Harry can see directly into Draco's flat from his window. And as it turns out, Draco gets up to some interesting things at night.

Take These Lies by @pennygalleon (E, 20k)

There’s a portrait of his godfather in Draco Malfoy’s potions shop and Harry needs to know why. But that’s not why he keeps coming back.

We Might Be Too Old for a Bildungsroman by @wellhalesbells (T, 21k)

Harry finds something he’s been looking for since the war’s end. Admittedly, the packaging’s a bit odder than he expected.

I Bet That You Look Good on the Dancefloor by birdsofshore (E, 28k)

Harry felt lit up from inside as soon as he entered the bar. There were blokes dancing together, their bodies close to one another, not keeping a wary distance as Harry was always careful to do when he was near another man. God, he wanted this – wanted it so much he could taste it, a metallic tang of heat and desire. He suspected nothing would ever be the same again – especially when he saw who else was in the room.

Around You Moves by ignatiustrout (M, 29k)

Harry knew Draco was gay when he invited him to move in. He’s never had a problem with this. So why does he feel so weird about Draco bringing men home all of a sudden?

LA, Who Am I To Love You? by @epitomereally (E, 42k)

Harry’s summer in LA is not going as expected. Pansy Parkinson keeps inviting him to parties in the Hollywood Hills and harassing him to finally go to the physical therapist, Blaise Zabini keeps slipping new strains of his company’s magical weed into Harry’s pockets in hopes of an endorsement, and Draco Malfoy keeps having sex with everyone but Harry.

Modern Love by @tackytigerfic (E, 61k)

Harry Potter, of all people, knows that life isn’t always fair. And no one gets to be happy all of the time. But surely there’s something more—something better—than a rubbish Ministry job, and a lonely old house, and that feeling that everyone out there is doing a better job of living than Harry is.

Can't Sit Still by wilteddaisy (E, 193k)

Five years after the war, Harry finds himself drawn to Draco Malfoy by memories that aren't his own.