#I had really bad mental health in high school and basically no tools to manage it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

swanpyart · 4 years ago

Text

Whitty and Carol Headcanons

TW: manipulation and parental death mention)

Carol:

She lives in her own apartment, and works a full time job at a bookstore. She didn’t go to college cus it was way too expensive (and that’s a valid option btw)

Her and GF have been friends since high school and the two of them look out for each other. Carol once had a crush on her when they were younger and the two dated briefly, but they decided it was weird and broke up. Of course, it was mutual and they are still friends

She’s probably the only person who BF raps against that is basically just a normal person tbh; she’s not a demon or an assassin or anything, she’s just a 19-year-old black gal with taxes to pay

She‘s very relaxed and chill, but she’s smart and thinks things through (the FNF creators describe BF and GF as idiots who never have any clue how much danger they’re in, so I like to think GF has a really smart friend). I think that if GF suggested something stupid, she’d go along with it to laugh at the result

She likes memes and watches movies that are objectively terrible to mock them. She’s also a Megan Thee Stallion and Lizzo fan (I’m not projecting wdym)

Her parents died while she was in high school, so she was forced to look out for herself. Usually it seems not to bother her, but there are plenty of times where she really misses them and can’t get out of bed

She’s the type of person whose usually very collected and good under pressure but tends to bottle up her feelings until they come out in a really embarrassing way

She doesn’t like asking for help or hand outs because of all of that either, which can make her seem uncharacteristically stubborn

Her parents eloped against the rest of her family’s wishes, so Carol is estranged from the rest of her relatives

Whitty (this is for FNF Whitty only):

A former rockstar who was very underground but was eventually halted by Daddy Dearest. I don’t think Daddy Dearest was another rockstar; I think he was Whitty’s MANAGER, and he kept being controlling over him and his image. Whitty was angry and hurt that someone he trusted kept trying to manipulate him and that he lost control of his career, so he eventually quit music altogether

Whitty was also made in a factory by a corporation that wanted to make a perfect doomsday weapon. The place was shut down and he was able to escape. He kind of resents what he is, which didn’t make the situation with DD any better, since it was just another shady person trying to use him as a tool

Whitty’s ballistic mode activates when he feels intense negative emotions in general, not just anger (anxiety, sadness, grief, fear, etc.).

Ballistic mode only causes a massive explosion if he doesn’t “cool down” after a certain period of time. It’s like a panic attack with a timer

I don’t really see him as grumpy, just distrustful and quick to suspicion. He is reasonable towards strangers, if a bit quiet, but if you do something that gives the impression that you‘ll turn on him or that you want to cause him trouble, he’ll get angry

He has anxiety and is a lot more paranoid than he seems; he’s got MASSIVE trust issues

He’s semi-homeless: sometimes he makes money by singing smaller gigs at restaurants, and rents motel rooms (since some smaller establishments recognize him well enough). He’s just such a paranoid person that it leaks into his work life and makes it hard for him to hold a job without quitting out of anxiety

He also occasionally sleeps in alleys because of this too

Miscellaneous:

Carol has a thing for tall guys but doesn’t tell Whitty cus she knows he’s insecure about his looks and doesn’t want to put him on the spot

Occasionally, Whitty stays at her apartment until he finds a job, which only happens if she literally forces him to. He tries to avoid using any of her stuff and only ever stays for three days at most since he doesn’t want to overstay his welcome (even when she insists he stay longer)

If she’s having a mental health crisis, though, he ALWAYS stays longer until she’s better (which drives her nuts, because he only stays at her place longer if he thinks it’ll make her feel better and not for his own well being)

Neither are good cooks and usually order takeout.

Carol high key thinks it’s weird that Whitty doesn’t poop. Whitty thinks it’s weird that she does.

When they watch bad movies together, Whitty unironically can’t tell why their bad. His taste in movies is horrible and Carol loves it.

If the two are in public, Whitty wears his hoodie up so people stare at him less since his bomb head is so iconic. People still stare cus he’s so tall. If someone tries to bug him in public, Carol usually tells them off.

Whitty is also asexual and biromantic, and Carol is Pansexual

#fnf whitty #whitty mod #friday night funkin whitty #fnf #friday night funkin #fnf carol #carol mod #Friday night funkin carol #whitty x carol

211 notes · View notes

cheshiresartblog · 4 years ago

Note

what did the hero commision do to shouta exactly? i get that they use physical violence against him, but did they ever use any quirks, physical or mental against him as well? just what lengths did they go to force him to be what they wanted?

I’m going to be talking about what basically amounts to torture here so...

TW//: Mentions of needles, blood, gaslighting, animal death mentioned, human experimentation, blackmailing, physical violence

Oh they used quirks against him for sure, both physical and mental, but they also liked to mess with him psychologically too. Gaslighting was a common tactic along with guilt tripping. Also they liked to use things important to him as a way to keep him in line. They used his mother’s health, Touya and Keigo once they learned he was close to them, and they used to use his family cat. The family cat was actually used as an...example, for a really bad failure of Shouta’s in his early days of being a hero. They had her put down, claiming she was elderly anyways and warned him not to mess up that badly again. If there’s one thing that can get to Shouta it’s the people and animals he cares about.

As for the more direct things on Shouta, well, like I said they did use quirks, though that was mostly in training, since Shouta needed to stop quirks for as long as possible and they didn’t care if they hit once Shouta couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore. But for actual punishments they decided to got more...mechanical I guess you could say? Basically electricity was used as a tool. Never enough to cause lasting damage but always enough to hurt and leave him twitchy afterwards. If they couldn’t do that and needed something quicker they would sometimes belt him. His handler mostly did that when he was still in high school. Also they used to make him train to the point of collapse and being physically ill.

Also I haven’t had a chance to mention it yet, but they did experiment with Shouta’s quirk since they had such easy access to him and his quirk. They found his blood held similar properties to Eri’s in canon, though it can turn off someone’s quirk factor (with the exception of mutations) for ten to thirty minutes depending on the dose. So...a production of bullets to help with arrests was started. So Shouta has had his blood drawn a lot and when that wasn’t enough they drew from his bone marrow. They were never gentle about it. Obviously no one knows how the bullets are made outside of a select few. One of Overhaul’s men manages to get their hands on some copies of Shouta’s files though a few years back and it was the basis of the research on Eri.

#tw: violence #tw: torture mentioned #be mindful of my warnings #please #ranking system au #ask box

50 notes · View notes

theritualofourexistence · 4 years ago

Text

[hyper]tension

There are so many things I could be writing about right now.

I’ve chosen to stick with one of the things I know best for this post.

Did you guess “body image issues and the problem of narrowly defining the concept of health?”

If so: a cookie for you!

A handful of pictures popped up in my Timehop from 12 whole years ago that gave me pause the other day.

Sometimes when I see older pictures of myself I am overwhelmed by how different I look now... in a bad way. I see myself in those pictures as thin and beautiful and I see myself now as a sausage monster stuffed into bike shorts.

The more I sit with and work on my body image issues, the more I have noticed healthier thinking habits developing. Let me be clear, this has been an incredibly slow process. But seeing those changes is something I am really encouraged by... and it makes the every day body image fight have some measurable value.

I can say with confidence that, at 200 pounds, my body image is currently the best it has ever been.

That has nothing to do with the specific number on the scale and everything to do with working really hard over a lot of years to understand that neither “beauty” or “health” are inherently defined as “thin.” A fundamental pillar of that understanding is that you cannot separate mental health from the concept of general health.

Mainstream culture does this.

Mainstream culture wants you to believe that it’s your weight or your BMI that determines whether or not you are healthy.

That is bullshit.

Here are the pictures of me from 12 years ago. We were moving my high school boyfriend into his freshman dorm for his first year of college. I don’t think any of the people in these photos will mind me sharing them in the context of this blog post.

I am *THIN* in these pictures.

I am 17.

Apart from a very clear warning sign that I was already developing horrible posture, I noticed a couple of things right away about these pictures when I was looking at them the other day.

My shirt is a size small or extra small.

I am holding my arm across my stomach in the fourth picture because I do not think I am *thin enough* to be wearing that shirt.

I may have been a thin 17-year-old. But I was not healthy.

I was physically fit.

I played soccer for three out of four seasons of the year.

But I was not healthy.

I know I wasn’t healthy because I was about to embark on my senior year of high school during which I would, at times, only allow myself one and a half meals per day. Sometimes that one meal would be pasta. Other times that one meal would be a bag of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms and a Mountain Dew. Other times it would be a gallon of strawberries. Other times it would be a family pack of Twizzlers.

My body in those pictures might look healthy.

But appearance is not an appropriate indicator of health.

The two times in my adult life that I have been the thinnest have also been the times in my life where I have struggled the most with body image and disordered eating.

After I escaped the abusive relationship of my freshman year of college, I gained around 20 pounds.

The following summer, I exercised for an hour every day and ate only pickles and Greek yogurt (separately, of course, don’t be gross).

I lost 30 pounds.

That was also not healthy.

Fast forward a handful of years to 2015.

I start an anti-depressant.

Over the course of the next two years I gain around 50 pounds.

Today, in the spirit of full disclosure (and because the numbers don’t mean shit), my weight fluctuates between 190 and 200.

I am obese.

A mathematical algorithm used to determine BMI has labeled me “obese.”

My clothing sizes vary day to day thanks to IBS-related bloating but I’m somewhere around a 14-16.

Do you know the cut-off for plus sizes?

It’s 14.

So, I am an obese, plus-sized woman.

The numbers aren’t very polite, are they?

Within the last two years I was diagnosed with severe iron-deficiency anemia.

I committed to correcting that with a number of lifestyle changes including taking supplements and adding iron-heavy foods to my diet. I took Vitamin C to boost my absorption. On days I took the supplement I had no coffee, no tea, no dairy, and no acid-reducer meds. In 6 very committed months, I resolved my iron issues, for the most part. We have since learned that the daily stomach medicine I take may be affecting my iron absorption so, although I am no longer taking supplements, I am taking a daily vitamin to help maintain a healthy level of iron.

That story is about health.

I had a health issue and I developed a strategy to resolve the issue, being sure to consider my mental health as well.

I have worked really, really hard to consider my HEALTH instead of my WEIGHT.

This obese, plus-sized woman exercises for around an hour every day. She does not drink alcohol or soda. She is aware of what she eats and is careful to eat when she’s hungry and stop when she’s full.

One of the ways I know my thinking is healthier is that when I look at bathing suits on Target’s website, I have started to consider their plus-sized models “normal.”

The average size of an American woman based on the most recent data is between sizes 18 and 20.

I spent over twenty years unable to see an average-sized woman as beautiful.

Even though the clothing industry has labeled me “plus-sized,” if anything, I am “slightly less than average-sized.”

In this post, I’m sure my thinking seems sort of piece-meal and disconnected.

In my head, thin-ness and health and body image and eating and exercise and cultural interpretations of beauty are all smashed into one big Frankenstein’s creation.

For a long, long time I did not consider plus-sized or average-sized women to be beautiful solely because they were not thin.

When I was thin (and not healthy), I know that I considered people of that size, the average size, to be unhealthy.

I am at a point in my life where my habits are the healthiest they have been and my mental health regarding my body image is also the healthiest it has been.

And I weigh 200 pounds.

You cannot look at a person and have any idea how healthy they are.

You cannot look at a BMI or a number on a scale and judge a person’s health accordingly.

I have worked with people who are suicidal who are thin and people who are suicidal who are not thin.

Health cannot be separated from mental health.

Can you be too thin? Absolutely. Your body needs a certain amount of fat and muscle to function properly. Can you be too big? Absolutely. Risks for all kinds of delightfully chronic and fatal conditions increase with weight gain.

Can you be big and be healthy? Yes.

I know because I am those things.

If you exercise, if you are aware of what you eat and are careful to not over-eat, if you get the vitamins you need, if you prioritize balancing mental health and physical health, if you get enough sleep, “healthy” is within reach for everyone.

If I ever write a book, it will be about balancing mental health and physical health. Because for basically my entire adult life, I’ve focused on one or the other and that does not work. I promise that if I do write a book, it’ll be better organized than this zig-zaggy blog post.

We have to push back against the cultural tendency to keep mental health separate from our definitions of general health.

We have to push back against the cultural tendency to define health by how a person looks.

You are not “healthy” if you are not physically healthy.

But you are also not “healthy” if you are not mentally healthy.

And sometimes, especially if you have a tendency toward body dysmorphia or disordered eating, the healthiest option is not to focus on weight loss or buy into a fad diet plan.

I am not trying to lose weight.

I am trying to be healthy.

And, you could argue, I’m not trying to lose weight BECAUSE I am trying to be healthy.

Trying to lose weight feeds mental illness for me. And that is not healthy.

This blog post is brought to you by a lot of years of working really hard to understand myself. My specific approach to managing my health may not work for you, but I challenge anyone reading this to take a moment and think about whether or not you are giving balanced consideration to physical and mental health. Because, even if our specific situations are different, balancing mental and physical health is the only path to being healthy. For me, for you, for everyone.

This blog post is also brought to you by a new health hurdle that has been laid in my lap over the past few weeks.

I have high blood pressure.

Chronic hypertension runs in my family, so I have a predisposition for high blood pressure. I have not been aware of having it at all in the past but thanks to my mom’s new blood pressure machine, I am aware of it now.

Learning that I have high blood pressure instigated a bit of a breakdown.

For a lot of the reasons I have already mentioned.

I’m working really hard to be healthy by balancing my mental and physical health. So why, if both those things are headed in the right direction, does my body not seem to agree?

Well, genetics will do that.

In the name of health, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. We talked about the typical “lifestyle changes” that would be recommended for someone my age with high blood pressure.

I am already doing all of them.

There are things I cannot control, however, that are affecting my mental health right now. I am carrying a lot of stress about the upcoming election. I am carrying a lot of stress about Black people being disproportionately arrested, charged, jailed, and killed by police as part of a system of oppression that I would very much like to have a part in dismantling. I am carrying a lot of stress about the pandemic that has killed 170,000 Americans. I have spent 7-8 years learning how to manage my stress. Those tools were not intended to work in situations like this.

So, my doctor and I made a plan to monitor my blood pressure, to try do more meditation and progressive relaxation, to eliminate processed snacks from my everyday diet (on occasion is still allowed), and to start doing some basic weight exercises with my cardio.

Blood pressure is a really good example of why a healthy approach requires balancing mental and physical health.

I’ve checked the physical health boxes for blood pressure management.

And things beyond my control are preventing me from checking the mental health boxes for blood pressure management.

And also, genetics.

With the help of my doctor, I’ve developed a plan that considers both my physical and mental health and only time will tell if that has an impact on my blood pressure. For what it’s worth, my doctor is optimistic. Part of the reason my doctor is optimistic is because I am healthy.

To clarify, being healthy does not mean that my IBS has gone away, it just means I am treating my IBS with diet and medicine.

Being healthy does not mean my anxiety has gone away, it just means I am in control of my anxiety.

I would not be healthy if I was unable to manage my IBS.

But I would also not be healthy if I was unable to manage my anxiety.

I would not be healthy if I had not figured out the value of balancing physical and mental health.

Just like I found a way to overcome my iron-deficiency anemia, I will find a way to overcome my high blood pressure. It may require new medication and lifestyle changes, but by giving adequate consideration to both my physical and mental health, I have no doubt that I will eventually find a healthy solution to push myself over this hurdle as well.

Gonna wrap this up with a poor quality mirror-selfie I took this morning when I tried on a new bathing suit. This is a (headless) picture of a 200-pound, obese, plus-sized, healthy person.

#bopo #body positive #body image #health #mental health #physical health #disordered eating #body dysmorphia #fat #thin #obese #healthy #weight #weight loss #diet culture #hypertension #hypertensive #high blood pressure #anxiety

9 notes · View notes

bemybestoy · 4 years ago

Text

Genesis of me

Genesis: becoming me! Hello bitches and kink lovers,This blog shall be an open letter to guide and smooth out our relationship as I am sick and tired of how a dominatrix and a sub's role are misunderstood. Let me introduce myself, I am Krisztina, a pro domme, in my 30's and I am embracing this role for around 8 years. Meaning I am highly experienced and I tried it all, expect the practices that reach out my limit. Such as permanent damage, I would never put the life and health of a slave of mine in jeopardy not thru my instructions or even just widness(you cannot even imagine thru years how many times I was asked if we can perform a c2c castration precedure, stabbing with knifes or swords for any amount I can posibly think of asking. I repeate it was about c2c so not bulshit as I would watch all along). When I refused such life threatning session I was offered same only to watch, not to instruct. Answer is still NO everytime. BDSM is not abuse, it is not guided endangerment, it must be sane, sane, consensual and have very clear boundaries of safety. To rewind i started to explore this world in my early 20s ofc and suprise , suprise in real life. Even if i am mostly an online fetish chathost and online domme, I did not know such sections of BDSM exist in camming world, till after a few years i have done dominance in real life. Let me explain! So I had a mid managemnt job after my university in a multinational company, which was and still is top 3 globally in its field and shall always be. There is not even a child all across this world that does not know what company is about when hearing it's name (do not be cretin enough to ask me the name, I will tell NO to your face. Or ask you what info you wish next home adress, Id identification number, blood group or home keys along with an open window in case you do not manage to use the keys:)) ). So i was there around 1 years and half and had a long distance relationship with often travelling . We all know those never lastunless one of the two moves abroad. So I hapilly informed my family and work collegues I wish to move to a different country to move in with my bf/ soon to be fiancee. The question in everyone's head right now was you bf your was Ds relationship? the honest answer is hell no! my bf was alike me a real alpha, one of the strongest man psysical and mental both and definetly would not take attitude from no woman (not even the love of his life, unless he was dick and she was right. To understand you need to picture a man at height 1,95 cm and around 100 kilos all fibers and muscles as he had been a kickboxer and when i met him a trainer for kickboxers at European level. A true montain of a man who yet never felt his manhood threaten if he discussed his feeling with me, his desires, his sensibilities, things i would do or say to hurt his feeling even involuntary a I was busy all the time and moving fast etc). So not only that he was not the submissive type, but even if we were in harmony from time to time he would give me 'attitude'. Now even if I am pleased and happy, even if I amm not the nagging type, no matter who you are and how much I love you, if you cross me I will whoop your ass. After a fe episodes, as chasing him thru the apartment every room with the moop tail pointed a him to kick his ass until he ran out, threating to stab his hand with a fork when he tried to touch my steak after leavig him without one as he made clearly to me he was not a pussy to carry grocery bagsand hence to help and many as suchhe decided I should meet one of his best friend from high school, a lady leaving in a city close. He said we would get along perfectly and the lady and I would get along perfectly. Who would knew I was in for such a big suprise.....(cheshire cat as i recall and type). So I did not know much about her ad what she does for a living when we were instruduced. We had lovely conversation, then she invited me some day when i am off work to visit her house, met her husband also and spend some more lady time together(I was a manager in one of my bf business a gran coffee shop/ bar it was quite big and had 2 floors one was coffe shop and bar all white with blue lighting surrounding th wide bar and lower floor couches and tables and ring dance for party rentals such as festivity, anniversieries etc. I done so many things in there: not only i would cash in all the money that being my main, but i would help the other emplyees by making cocktails- I made a course for that- , even cleaning or washing glasses, once out there i was the only personal managing or website, of course PR as even t planning as I was the one who organised every detail of our rental and someone even DJ, a lower floor had DJ booth with pro equipment which i manage to completely fuck up as I had no idea what I was doing and the booked DJ announced last minute he was so coming so my bf said as i am the most modern and tech savvy to give a try to see if i can work it. not only I was not able , but i fucked it up so bad we had to call a tehnician to fix it and he taught me basically how to use it on a minimal level to work it for the party which turned out great. Still cracks me out when i think of my face when i was sure i fucked it up lol. it was a dexter labority moment and his blonde sister deedee: i was like many if i press this and that i will fix it ) I was like well i cannot make it worse :))) Then I decided I need some female eergy without the 'guys' going everyday at my bf gym to do my box training, my krav maga and I gave a call to this lady ask her if I can indeed visit and when It is appropriate to come and suits her schedule.My employees and bf replacing me could manage a day without and i needed a getaway. She invited me in couple or days, my bf drove me to her house and then left to actually replace me. we had an amazing luncheon, laughed, make jokes, just getting to know each other mostly me and her, but also her husband. Then she informed me she had some work to do soon but i can wait with her husband. Unlike I want to come with her. I was like ok I want to come, ut i am not sure whether i disturb you and invite me just to be polite or if it is really ok. i mean i got the best manners you could witnes both on and out of my job. She said she would actually like to share what she does with me as she likes me and she is quite sure having such a strong and open personality would not make me freak out. I was within my mind ' what should i freak out about?!'. but still acted al casual as i liked her myslf, it only made me very curious. I have a feline personality so curiosity is in my nature, though it is pure and observatory, not the gossip, lame and weak as usual women are. So..... she said she will be busy with work for around 2 hours and if i wanted to stay aside as she cannot pay attention to me. i was like ok... She then invited me at the basement where she said she would met at her 'office' a person whom she expects, as her work space has direct access from garage. Then we would both go downstairs. Well probably telling all cluess made you suspect or realise it was a full dungeon downstairs. a pro dungeon.you should have seen my face when i noticedall the tools, device,suspension systems and the rest of the toys. She looked at me patient and confident, without a care in her mind that i might judge or something.... let me soak it all in... then she asked: You still want to stay or do you want to go upstairs with my husband to keep him company thru soccer game was on tv? " . She was so calm as if she shown me a bush of pants in her garder:)) Then my first outspoken reaction to her it was one of a morron: my first words after what i have seen, my first question asked was if her husband knew about all these(as they do not share a house for more then 10 years). She said yes, but he does not interfer with her work, comes down sometimes, but participates rare and very dismissive toward whom she works with. So I gotten more curious. I obviously suspected what will happen soon, but never withness something alike.Well I done so many sessions and you remember even if having a perfect memory the big lines of the majority. The first one I had only as a peeper I remember in smallest little details. Bitch parked and had a hoody on. he knoecked and when was invited, he went down on his knees down on all stairs. He looked like a maggot or miriapod with his head down to do not cascade over stairs as he was not standing. She then informed her she had a guest which will attend, but will not participate. Not giving a fuck of his reaction. I;ve seen chain suspection bondage, over all punishment and esp cbt along with huge strapon penetration. Shge is quite tall1.80 and she really was at perfect level as he bitch even if him hanging from the ceiling without touch the floor or be close to it even. i was amazed and intrigued. So as soon everything was done and he left ofc i asked so many questions. She answered all with patience even if i must have been annoying like a child and not take the time to put together the smarters questions. After i while I was blablabla in a hyper manner about what she does as a professional domina I was like wait! does my bf know about this? She smilled and said ofc. He sometimes rarely when visiting me participates even as a master helping mewith pain or bootlicking or stuff. He joins more then my husbnd who when bored and coming down to see when i finish at most lets his shoes licked by my slaves then goes upstairs. I found all these fascinaint and so alternative so ofc I wanted to see more.So often I would visit her as watch her sessions with her slaves. After several mouth a slave of hers made her after session a big financial tribute offer that i participate too and i can second her domining. She asked me if it is something I consider. I did want it, but felt like I would be clueless as per what to do. Even if you watch many times that does not mean you feel suddly like you can replicate that certainty in action. She said not to worry as bitch knows it is my first time and this and following her lead is exactly what it is excites him. So i mus not overthink, just try to have some fun. And damn! It was so much fun! the hormones, the excitment, the laughter from humiliation talk, the driven crazy look on the bitches' face, the overall experience. it was like wow! it is hard to paint it in words, with all lexicon richness or ability to play with words. it is pure extasy! :D:DAfter he felt she made sure he had a chit chat with a glass of wine, making sure i am good with all, she said how great i was as she does not like other lady dommes in general. What was the goodbye part when my bf arrved to pick me up in car she actually did give me my own tribute. how much money! like lots! Then she invited me often to participate in the session in which slave got excited about 2 lady dommes. I accepted that one per week as i was busy with my own line of work. I had so much fun more then a year. Seen lots, done lots.Then a night I was speaking to him in our bed, holding hands, after2-3 rounds of sex and many orgasms. My realtionships are very intimate and I always go for an open man, who is super smart so besides sex and comfy routine I would have a late night conversation till 4-5 am even if we had to bed up and work in couple hours. there is just something that it is most meaninful ina relationship, to communicate ina deep way and to enjoy it lots both of you. and get into each other soul, emotions and deepest needs.So I did ask him : what made you think she would like me and would like her? what made you believe i would enjoy all these as you know we do not do anything as such? He then said he met thru his life many type of women: brainy, prude, whores, dommes, swingerseven submissive lil fmale toys. And he said a true dominant is never made into one. Ofc you can be good if you copy and get exposured to it or at least satisfactory to a slave. But the best dominant are born, not made. It is in their nature and personalities. They give out clues all the time, no matter the random they do.It made me wonder lots. After a couple moment of silence with my head on his chest, lips against his neck and hand holded all thru our talk, just enjoying the thinking of each, the meaninful silence, i asked if he does not feel bothered about that facti enjoy myself playing with slaves when not only he do not do anything alike, but he is not playing with others either. I mean it is a vast emoions i fell which exclude him fully. he said ofc not, as our love life is something i need more then my alternative fun, thta he knows i can live without that experience, but i would be heartbroken if i was without us (you need to understand jealousy cannot be an issue here. Real pro dommes in dungeon do facesitting all dressed up thru latex or leather and it has got a suffocating breath control purpose. i will explain you why: first of all a n evelated domme cares about personal hygiene and she know there are many scat lovers visiting dommes. so to have one licking your pussy it is not quite sanitary. also ass worship is done thru leggings. the most expensive, best dommes will never allow a slave licking. that is just some vanilla crap made up buy hookers selling sex and bdsm aswell. a well respected professional odoes not indulge in that. I am not saing to use a slave for self sexual satisfaction makes you a bad, poorly skilled mistress. But you do that as a lifestyle domme.Meaning you have a domestic relatinship with your slave who is your life patner. Never in a pro dungeon relationship oral for a slave would be allowed or accepted). Drinking champagne straight from mistress soource yes, but without wiping after. You may have it fromshort distance her controlling her debit makeing her slave do not miss anything unless they agree before on a facial champagne game. But when you go to a pro domme you cannot expect her to enjoy licking pussy and ass. Not to mention licks or even nudity just because it arrouses you. so my bf knew my sex life involved only him, in vanilla terms we all know.And he was ok with my alternative fun. We were even if a modern couple a very faithful one. So our orgasms were only and strictly dedicated to one another, exclusively.He wasgreat in bed so i would have every single day more then ten orgams within couple of hours(we had wakeup sex, luch break sex and couple turns before bed, many squirty orgams, clit or vaginal without squirt). The most sexual gesture i seenin the pro domme who introduced me to this world is just around 3 times within one year to milk cock with latex gloves, but with ruin orgasm. she took hand of when she felt he would come load was shoot without touching he would lick after she pull gloved off and glove was washed after. More often she would make the bitch wank himself while she instructs him closeby. her husband accepted her line as he accepted and love everything about her, but he was like my ex fiancee: hear pussy, ass, breast, orgams, real sexual intimacy are for your pratner. Not for everyone. That is a hooker thing to do. To gave all that just just random everyones. One after the other.That is not what a real dmme is made off. Her strenght and charm comes out because he in full intimacy is hard to get if not impossible. And by all means a slave shoould be use till u reach full sexual satisfaction. But only for your chosen one or ones. I fyou are a lifestyle domme and have a slave as life partner or few slaves as toys as open relationship is ok. But you cannot expect same from a real pro domme! That is something builtand leveled up!PS Hmmm now to breath a lil as I poured everything so fast. deep inhales and exhales. light a cigg after and build this disclaimer. my spelling is awful as you know me i type like a motherfucker in full speed. Ignore all errors and consider the essence of my phrases. I do not believe in going back to spellcheck unless you publich a book or something editorial. I did that during university in an non paid internship, both as corrector and publisher. But it was a publication spread and shippd on a national evel. And in both roles i learned that the first message and thought till publishing as you go back several times are worlds apart. So much changes. And since I do not publish something wanting to be of intellectual value I wish a very spontaneous, fast writing. It is the most sincere, no filters and even if shifting thoughts without a bridge causing some lack of coherency now and then it is more powerful as the first reactions are. So yes a blog! why a blog? i do not do social media. it is lame, tacky and became brainless. i miss books or blogs at least. and i do not like at all media unless i do exposure over it from bitches craving for begging and tribute me for it. These reasons and that I cannot stand screens after 8-10 hours of online being available to sessions. I like to look in eyes of someone I talk to and they looking back at me. Instead of both or all dinner participants looking non stop at phone while we pretend to be together. Meanwhile no one is present as they focused on media and other stuffs over their phone .That is not only lame and un natural , but also impolite. Themost important ask from people around me is manners first of all. One lack of manners become my refusal to have this creature close to me even silent, simply unacceptable. In addition, if i must have my eyes after work on something i prefer a good movie or a book. Actual human contact is important to me as little as we have it nowadays with global situation. so NO, unless i will have video call activated which i will seldom have I do NOT exist until i am online the next day I feel the need to have people at my feet :) I am literary out of this world. I do not exist for anyone online. And enjoy it every minute !

1 note · View note

dearbeautilation · 7 years ago

Text

Common Misconceptions About Therapy

You may have noticed that in a lot of advice messages I get, I recommend talking to a therapist or a counselor, which is something I have done myself for years and have had profoundly positive results from. The thing is, so many people (and quite a few in my own family and friend circle) have misconceptions about therapy that make them assume it’s not even an avenue worth exploring to help with their struggles. Here are a couple common judgements about therapy I’ve come across (or have even had myself) and the actual truths, from my humble lil’ experience at least.

1) Therapy is expensive.

It is true that many amazing therapists are available under most insurance plans, but depending on your coverage you may still have a high deductible rate to pay before your sessions are covered. Here’s what to do if you have insurance:

Ask if you can set up a payment plan, where you pay as much of a co-pay you can manage on each visit. I have personally done this when my insurance did not cover enough to make the visits I needed feasible.

Find therapists in-network through your insurance, where you can know upfront how much you must pay before coverage begins, and cut down your search time by only contacting in-network therapists.

And if you don’t have health insurance:

COUNSELING!!! Talking to any qualified professional 1-on-1 is the most crucial part of therapy, and you can get this from a counselor at your school or at a clinic. Check out the SAMHSA locator to find someone near you.

This link is super helpful for lots of resources for affordable therapy.

A walk-in clinic you may go to for a cold or flu may also be able to help hook you up with resources, so don’t be afraid to ask.

2) Therapists tell you how to fix your problems.

Therapists aren’t fairy godparents who listen to your problems and then tell you what to do to magically solve them; their job is to get to understand you well enough so they can guide you to understand the root of your actions, reactions and patterns so you can be more empowered to solve your OWN problems and make peace with the past. This is why ongoing, weekly therapy is most ideal; it is not a quick or easy process to address issues with your mind and your life, and in therapy you must respect that and respect that, just like with anything else in life, it takes time, effort and patience to make progress.

Life is inherently complicated – to expect therapy to be a quick solve is, excuse the phrasing, crazy. You want to stop the loop of bullshit you’re currently living? Be prepared to work for it, and before that, be prepared to learn why you are *deserving* of the payoff your hard work will undoubtedly give you.

3) Only “crazy” people need therapy.

Do you have a brain? Do you think thoughts and feel feelings? Then congrats, you’re a candidate for therapy! It is an absolutely toxic stereotype that only people suffering from severe issues can benefit from therapy: with this mindset, it tells people who may be on mental health decline to wait until the issue gets out of hand to seek help. This to me is like having a cold, then seeing it turn into a fever, but saying “I’ll wait until I start passing out and pooping blood to go to the doctor”. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and the two are much more closely related that you may think.

Therapy is an incredible tool for anyone who is feeling overwhelmed by life in general, finds themselves fixated on negative things that hurt their self-image or relationships, is realizing they keep doing the same bad things over and over again, has just suffered a trauma or loss or accident, or is feeling simply stuck in life.

4) Therapists just want to blame your parents for all your issues.

While you will probably at some point discuss your family and parental relationships with a therapist because these relationships are super impactful on our development, therapy is not about blaming anyone at the end of the day; it’s about understanding your reality and getting better equipped to deal with it so your quality of life is improved. You may come to conclusions that certain actions certain people have taken have impacted you negatively in some way, but such conclusions are only part of the steps you take towards ultimately having a healthier relationship with your feelings, with others, and with your life.

5) Therapy is always intense, serious, and clinical.

Not gonna lie-- therapy can get intense sometimes, and that’s part of its benefit. I’ve cried countless times while talking about certain things that just cut to the core, but it’s always served as a way to cleanse the hurt I was keeping locked up. What’s more, is that I’ve had so many laughs, breakthroughs, and completely chill, positive, casual sessions where it felt like I was just kicking it with a really smart friend who I trust.

6) Therapy is always in an office with couches and a plant.

No way! While it is quite common to have therapy in a warm, homey office setting, remember that there are many types of therapy in different settings, like:

Equine therapy

Occupational therapy

Group therapy

And more!

You can even reach a therapist from the comfort of your home via groups like:

BetterHelp

7Cups

Ginger.io.

7.) All therapy is the same.

This article does a great job breaking down the main types of therapy. I myself have experience with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (basically talk therapy that focuses on redirecting and guiding my reactions and actions) and Art Therapy, which was integrated to the talk therapy and had me use both sides of my brain at the same time (the creative right and logical left) to work through challenges I brought up.

8) Therapists prescribe/ push you to take psych meds.

Your general practitioner or a psychiatrist are the only doctors who can prescribe mental-health related medication. Your therapist cannot prescribe you medication, but they may recommend you consult someone who can if, after getting to know you better, they believe you may benefit from medication in their professional opinion and from their experience with similar cases.

9) Therapy is self-indulgent, narcissistic and frivolous.

There is nothing frivolous about taking control of your life and asking for help and guidance. It is a sign of strength to know when there might be a problem, to ask for help, and to accept that help; your problems do not need to be life or death, trauma-based, or crippling to be valid problems that can be helped with talking to a professional. Pain is relevant; it is empathy that allows us to feel for all kinds of problems or struggles we have never experienced ourselves, but it is the plain and simple human experience that causes us to react the way we do to the problems we have based on our own realities. Once you validate your own feelings and stop the comparisons, you stop self-sabotaging assumptions like this one; that’s a lil’ something I learned in therapy. ;)

Gifs via RealityTVGifs

#therapy #advice

66 notes · View notes

personalcoachingcenter · 3 years ago

Text

Power Coaching Tool: Safety versus Risk

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/power-coaching-tool-safety-versus-risk/

Power Coaching Tool: Safety versus Risk

A Coaching Power Tool Created by Maimon Md. Arif (Transformational Coach, MALAYSIA)

Life is an ongoing process of choosing between safety (out of fear and need for defense) and risk (for the sake of progress and growth). – Abraham Maslow

Safety vs. Risk

Cambridge Dictionary Definition for:

Safety: (a noun) a state in which or a place where you are safe and not in danger or at risk: the condition of not being in danger or of not being dangerous: the condition of not being likely to cause damage or harm: the fact of keeping people safe in a particular place:

Risk:(a noun) the possibility of something bad happening: to take a risk – to do something that might be dangerous:

Human Motivation and Needs

Maslow, in his “Hierarchy of Needs”, stipulates that people are motivated to fulfill their basic needs before moving on to their needs for growth. The need for safety is acknowledged as a basic human need. Safety needs include the security of body, of employment, of resources, of the morality of family, and health.

Safety is an evolutionary need, which is often manifested in what we refer to as the “fight or flight” response. From the minute we wake up, we have to make decisions – do I want to stay in bed or do I want to wake up? On any day of our lives, we make many decisions: decisions to maintain or improve our well-being, physically, spiritually, or mentally. In deciding for self or others and in doing, whether it is for exchange of services or goods, there is still a personal need we are fulfilling. It could be to ensure the safety of others close to us or to make us feel safe in our environment. Most of our decisions and actions are based on needs or desires to sustain or improve our circumstances. Sometimes we make a decision we don’t necessarily agree to, just to avoid a confrontation because we don’t want the risk of jeopardizing our relationship, trust, and/or safety.

Human motivation as explained by Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs” reveals why individuals think first about threats and why they see opportunities as optional extras to be addressed later, if at all. Safety is always connoted in a positive space and the opposite of safety is a risk, a space where something bad/negative will happen.

Staying safe can make you feel stuck.

Risk exposes the potential for failure, and failure is painful. It is a human reaction to want to stay safe. Risk-averse people may stay stuck as they are afraid of being hurt, afraid of being vulnerable, and afraid of failing. It is very convenient to not try, as the potential of failure is zero. The thinking goes, ‘not failing, I won’t get hurt.’ They are stuck in this limiting belief that they have imprisoned themselves in their own safe cocoon. They think they never get hurt, but they will never grow or progress, and in that, it is self-inflicted hurt.

Coaching Application

My niche is to coach social leaders to grow and elevate their impact to achieve their dream of building a better world.

Anna (not her real name) is a graduate from a top-ranking university, an idealistic and intelligent young adult in her early 30s. Hers is a young family with a very understanding and supportive husband. She quit a well-paying, secure corporate job for a social enterprise for the cause for which she is very passionate. Although Anna was brought up in a low-income household, her parents were committed to ensuring that she had all the opportunities for a good education.

Being very conscious of their circumstances and her family’s sacrifices for her education drove Anna to be focused on her studies. She set high expectations for herself -success was about performing well in school. She was always a top student and participated actively in many school activities. The same drive followed her through university, and she never had any major setbacks in her education. She described herself as a very competitive and hard-working person.

The social enterprise’s works is a very lean outfit where decisions are made on the fly and everything is needed yesterday. Anna couldn’t bring herself to speak out her opinion in the many meetings and discussions, even when she felt strongly about the issues. Her non participation in the discussion is bothering her, and she finds herself mulling over the missed chance for days. Her lack of confidence to participate in the discussion is eating her. She wants to be able to actively contribute and have a say in the direction and design of the programs and the company’s direction, but what if her opinion is not good enough? Would her colleagues think less of her for coming up with such opinions? What if she embarrasses herself?

Anna’s story is not unique among young social leaders. Their high expectation of self and their competitiveness ‘paralyzes’ them in their perceived safety zone – a zone where they feel they have control.

Getting them to trust the coaching process and to let go of control is the first step to awaken their awareness. There are layers to this ‘lack of confidence’ statement, partnering them to get them to peel the layers to get to the real cause and understanding of underlying beliefs:

What does lack of confidence feel like?

You mentioned that you have a lack of confidence. Is it true?

What are you really afraid of?

What are the real issues here?

What makes this significant to you?

What values do you hold that makes you feel like this?

Partnering with them to change their perspectives:

What is stopping you from having your say?

What does ‘being silent’ serve for you?

What would happen if you hold on to your values?

What would happen if your opinion is rejected?

What would happen if you continue doing what you are doing now?

What would happen if your opinion is well received?

Helping them to build a structure on their new perspective:

What would happen if you are next triggered to go back to your safe zone?

What support do you need to be able to take risks in the future?

How might you use the awareness about yourself to develop an action plan?

What resource do you not have to enable you to develop your action plan?

What can get in your way?

Man is hardwired to find safety. The motivation for safety is fear and defense. Man is also willing to take risks, growing and progress.

References:

Hillson, D. (2008). Risk management, Maslow, and memetics. Paper presented at PMI® Global Congress 2008—EMEA, St. Julian’s, Malta. Newtown Square, PA: Project Management Institute.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

“Social Leaders are Leaders who devote one’s life and talents to improving society regardless of social standing, wealth, or privilege. A leader is someone who empowers other leaders.” – The Center for Social Leadership.

Original source: https://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/power-tools/maimon-md-arif-safety-vs-risk/

0 notes

secretblogofthedepressedanon · 4 years ago

Text

April 23, 2021

I keep losing my cool at things that don’t require that, and I don’t like it. I am recognizing the pattern & the problem easier now, but I still can’t seem to get myself out of it when I am in it. I try, but it’s like once I get all wound up, the ‘off’ switch is rendered useless for a period of time. The impulses are so strong and I am so amped up. Like my fight or flight response is on 10 and the only thing I can do now is dive right through it. I dunno.

Today, it was dumb and I just got overwhelmed and when I got overwhelmed I got angry. Why do I always get angry? Why is that the emotional response? Either way I don’t like it.

I guess I just feel like I need somewhere to properly redirect it. Like I get anxious or irritated or whatever about something, and then I have nothing to do with it. Nowhere to put it. I guess I need a creative outlet, but really how is that going to help when I get pulled into a mess like that suddenly? Where I don’t have the ability to just go paint or draw or whatever it is that I want / need to do. I need something else, something I can do to cool the impetuous anger as it is happening, not later. Not after I have made a mess of things.

I guess really that’s one of my issues, I get irrational and impulsive and I make a mess out of things and then I cannot unsort it. It’s an ugly cycle I have repeated before, over and over and I really feel like it is getting old. To tell you the truth, I just feel like I am a ball of emotions that I cannot control, understand, or follow. Everytime I think I understand, something new crops up or I present the *same bullshit* with a new process / thought cycle every fucking time and I hate it.

What is my issue with letting myself be happy?

Lol like why do I self sabotage so much?? What is my god damn deal?

He won’t put up with this forever. I wouldn’t anyways. He is endlessly kind and understanding and patient in ways that I, reasonably, deserve but... I feel like I don’t. I feel like I am undeserving and wild and neurotic and just absolutely out of my mind. Logically, I understand that that’s just my brain telling me those things because it is in unhealthy. I understand that I am just doing my best, and that I deserve unconditional love & kindness...

But when I look at him when I am out of control. When I am just upset and losing my mind I just feel like he is so good. So kind and strong and sincere and level and he just doesn’t deserve the way I behave. And I really am trying to do better, learn more, and become emotionally / mentally well. I really am. And I can see the progress I am making. And yet.. I just feel like I keep failing him, as if by not being able to regulate myself I am just hurting him. And it isn’t fair to him. I know he chooses to be here. I know he loves me, genuinely. And I know he wants to help me, and that those moments are not all of who I am. I know he sees so much more to me than that... But I just can’t help but to feel like this cycle that I am stuck in... He doesn’t deserve to have to be there for this. He doesn’t deserve to have to watch me struggle like that, or watch me lose control or be that way. I want him to be with someone who can help him in the ways he needs, as he has done for me.

I want to be that person more than anything. And I am working on it. I am trying so hard, I am doing the shadow work and I am confronting the things within myself that scare or disappoint me. Really, I am. But I still just feel like he could be leagues & miles ahead of where we are now if he didn’t have me weighing him down or dragging him backwards.

Is that just more of my brain talking, or is it the intelligence & awareness to know that I am fucking up? I don’t even know anymore.

I need to get into therapy. I know I do. I am working hard, and its good, but I cannot do it alone. And asking for help isn’t bad or wrong. It’s just taking care of myself & doing what I need to do to make it through life without struggling with this forever. I deserve that. I deserve to be free of this bullshit, of this fucking absolute shitshow of managing my own brain and emotions. I deserve to be able to navigate life with the proper tools & abilites to take care of myself, and my own mental well being.

And it’s time I do what I Can to take my own energy and my own health and make it fuckin better. I am gonna grow dammit.

I changed my twitter handle today to reflect that statement. Lol I feel like I am opening up in ways I never thought. I mean, first of all, truly baring my soul on the internet is totally never what I imagined for myself. I guess really I should have always expected it, I basically grew up online lol. Outside who? Bitch I was on myspace when I was 10, I spent more hours on internet forums and Neopets n shit than I ever did with my family. And repeatedly, I was made to feel bad about it by them. Now, I understand that I did some things that were way way too mature for my age, I know that in my desperate search for community and belonging, I was taken advantage of in ways. The internet is a dangerous and scary place for kids, especially improperly supervised, depressed, lonely, and desperate kids. I am lucky I am alive, and haven’t had anything exceedingly dangerous happen to me.

That being said, they should have seen those things for what they were. Loneliness. A need for friendship, a need to be understood, to have real human connection. I was far too young to understand and communicate those needs, and due to the absolute neglect of my family, I had yet to learn that (and am still working on learning how to recognize and express those needs) myself. But them? My mom? My father? They were adults. They should have seen how desperately and seriously I needed help.

It was their responsibility to make sure I got help, to make sure I was properly loved & taken care of. And they didn’t. And that is their fault. Their failures to help me are on them. Their inability to give me the proper care and love and childhood that I needed... That was on them. And that is how and why I turned to the internet.

I mean, fuck, the internet taught me so much that they never did. I learned about sex and relationships, money, life all on the internet. I have lived behind a screen, a secret identity all its own for many many years. I have hidden myself digitally all throughout the years. If you knew where to look, you can find evidence of me growing up everywhere. Little digital snapshots in the life of me.

I wonder what that would look like. If I could go back over all the things I have ever done on the internet. How many hours I spent on websites like Gaia or StumbleUpon or Pinterest or Reddit. How many times have I shared parts of myself for strangers on the internet, praying for an audience, just waiting for someone to see me. Someone.

How ironic, then, is it that I met the man who really sees me, all of me, in a more tangible physical way? I spent so long aching for someone to find me any other way, never once imagining that if I met him that way.... It could work. I guess that has a lot to do with the neglect I suffered in my childhood. No one ever taught me how to have confidence in the things I do, or in myself. Hell, I can probably count on my hands how many things about life my parents taught me.

As I heal and grow and look back on my past, I wish I could do so much of it over again. Like, I don’t really because I ended up in a place that is doing so much for me, but at the same time... If I had this kind of knowledge / emotional health then.. Imagine where I could be now? As strong and capable and determined as I am, as much work as I have put into surviving... Imagine the woman I could be if I didn’t have to. If I could’ve developed healthy habits and traits from the beginning... If I could have channeled that energy into something more, something better... who would I be now? How different would my life be if I hadn’t been robbed of my right to a happy & healthy childhood? If I didn’t have to ask myself ‘why aren’t I happy’ as young as six?

For goodness sake I can remember wanting to run away from home as young as then. I literally remember packing a bunch of stuff into some walmart bags into a backpack. Telling myself I would leave after nightfall. I didn’t even have a plan, I didn’t know where I would go, what I would do. And so even then, in my underdeveloped, underloved child mind, I knew I had to stay.

In my dirty, neglected, God forsaken home. I stayed.

Where I was lonely, where I didn’t know healthy love, where I ached for someone just to want me, I stayed.

I mean, it wasn’t that conscious of a choice. It isn’t like I had the emotional intelligence then to tell you what I am now. But even then, I could tell you I was unhappy. I wouldn’t have had the words for why, though.

I wouldn’t have been able to tell you how lonely I felt, how much I felt I didn’t belong anywhere or with anyone. But that’s how I felt. I felt misunderstood. Invisible. I couldn’t understand why my siblings never wanted to spend time with me. Why my father would never come out of his room. Why my mom spent all of her time on the computer, playing internet games with her friends. They were all so caught up in trying to be happy for themselves, that no one had time to care about my emotional needs.

Yeah, I was fed. I never went without clothes or toys or food.

But all of my most defining moments, happened without any of them. The moments that made me, me.

I think the reason I find those cheesy coming of age shows so unrelatable (not that I don’t enjoy them, they get me as much as they get others) is because to me... That family dynamic is unrealistic. It feels fake, like who actually lives like that? What kind of kid actually comes home to cry in their mom’s arms about high school breakups, or middle school crushes? It feels unreal, because for me it never was a reality. I basically figured out how to exist within the parameters of my own mind and body. Most of the things I know about being a person have to do entirely with how I exist within myself. The curves and treads of my mind. My soul’s wishes and whispers and secrets.

I have to learn how to grow. How to exist more on the outside of myself. How to take up more space. I have to learn to be loud about who I am to just be myself, unashamed and unstoppable. I was not created to be afraid of myself, I was created to be the full sunshiney, hopeful, sarcastic, witty, kindhearted, generous woman I am becoming.

#my post #long post #me #my feelings #my thoughts #growth #growing #changing #happiness #journal #journal post #feelings #feelings post #anxiety #depression #childhood issues #self love

0 notes

newhologram · 8 years ago

Text

New’s Atlas Subluxation and chronic illness timeline

It’s in my nature at this point to document things and it’s smart to keep track of my healing post-procedure anyway, so I might as well make a timeline here and share the experience as usual :p

Feel free to ask any questions, it doesn’t bother me at all. We need to let patients be teachers too, I think.

So here is my atlas subluxation and chronic illness timeline with backstory leading up to the procedure before it gets super specific with dates. I will try to update this during my healing as much as I can to document changes. I’m putting lots of links to posts where I talk about things as well, but you can also go into these tags on my blog to find more information: #personal #atlas subluxation #fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #invisible illness #narcolepsy #ulcerative colitis 1.16.17 Posted with info up until this day. 4.12.17 3 month update!

1989: Born December 29th at a 3 1/2 lbs. Taken out prematurely because there was a complication with the umbilical cord and I was no longer growing. I had to stay in an incubator for 11 days until I weighed enough to go home, which was 5 1/2 lbs. It’s unclear whether or not the subluxation was present after birth; it’s possibly that I could’ve been pulled out in a way that caused it, but we have the next event as a definite marker for when things started getting worse.

Summer of 1996, age 6: While playing with sister I accidentally fractured my collar bone. I went up into the air, I remember seeing the ceiling coming closer, and then I fell straight down onto my back pretty hard. I cried and cried and said over and over again, “I broke something, I broke something” until they took me to the hospital. I vividly remember how I shook when they put me on the table to x-ray me. The doctor cheered me up by pointing out the gas in my chest. But basically they were like yep, there’s a fracture right there. And they sent me home with a sling. I remember that it had dinosaurs on it and it made me happy.

1996~2000, age 6 to 10: Always sick. Daily stomach aches, digestive issues leading to restrictive diet, nausea, back pain, bad posture, fatigue, insomnia, nightmares, sleepwalking, always cold, chronic bronchitis, hypersensitivity to stimulus like sound, light, color, taste, smell, temperature, and even experiences whether positive or negative, auditory processing disorder making it hard to understand what people said, problems with being “too excitable” and having intense reactions to rejection which was hard because I was constantly bullied and controlled by peers for being “weird” and “different”. I struggled in most subjects, but especially math, and I could never really handwrite properly, even to this day. School in general was just very hard because I never felt well and couldn’t keep up with others. Crying on the floor meltdowns whenever there are loud sports games or if a friend goes home early from a sleepover or if a parent gets mad at me (or I think they are). These meltdowns persisted into adulthood. I was always just called dramatic for them.

2001~2009, age 11 to 19: Middleschool and highschool were even harder. I struggled in most classes except for creative ones. Health problems persisted: first sleep paralysis with hallucations episode at age 12 or 13 and often had episodes after school that would eat up my early evening and wear me out mentally, still had problems with bronchitis, ovarian cyst caused me a lot of pain and missed classes, then I started having even worse digestive problems. By age 15 I had my first upper endoscopy and colonoscopy where they discovered ulcers in my esophagus, stomach, and intestines. Feelings of isolation, unable to feel like I could connect with people, noticeable depression, loneliness. First vomiting panic attack at age 17. At 19 did a homestay in Japan; an amazing experience but made difficult by vomiting, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety leaving the house and exploring by myself and freaking out when I got lost.

2010~2016, age 20-26: Health problems begin to worsen in early adulthood. Age 21: I’m vomiting a few times a week and having a ton of other problems, diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sleep and fatigue problems making it hard to work at my retail job especially while I’m in college. Age 23: suddenly the sleep paralysis and insomnia are impossible to manage and I go several months with very little sleep, getting worse and worse, every day having looong hard sleep paralysis episodes that leave me with horrible headaches and slurring like I’m drunk. I still go to auditions and work jobs I book as best as I can but get a narcolepsy diagnosis after a long process of sleep study and being yanked around by insurance not letting me actually see the neurologist for my diagnosis. Depression is getting to the point where it almost paralyzes me but I do my best. Health problems cause fights with family. Age 24: not long after the narcolepsy diagnosis: the pain and fatigue become excessive and debilitating and I get the fibromyalgia diagnosis. Condition worsens and worsens, a bump forms on my upper spine that causes horrific pain and distress. 2014 I’m in the ER/urgent care 4 times because the pain makes it unable to rest or stop vomiting for days on end (the most being 6 days where I lost 12lbs). I go to an Ayurvedic healing center because the doctors were useless. There is some improvement but I still struggle, at least I had a lot of good coping tools to keep myself a live, if only barely at times. In bed most days in horrible pain and exhausted by simple things such as getting up to use the restroom. Depression is horrible and a cloud of suicidal urges hang over me for almost 2 years because I feel like a failure who is ruining my family’s happiness by being sick and I feel an intense hatred for myself. I try to work a very mellow part time job at a perfumery but the pain makes it too hard and I’m eventually let go. Age 25: Depression persists but I force myself to start doing background TV/film work on a weekly basis. Making money helps calm me but it’s incredibly difficult with my health problems and I often vomit on set from fatigue and pain. I start seeing a chiropractor to help alleviate the pain and depression. It helps but I have to see him twice a week at first, then once, then every other week, but during a flare up it’s back to once a week. I also start seeing an acupuncturist which helps with organ function and eases some symptoms but I still have to see her regularly and the expenses add up and cause more problems with my family since I’m barely able to afford them on my own. Age 26: I get a part time job in retail to help supplement me while I do background work. With the skills I learned I’m able to manage things but I still suffer a lot every day and don’t sleep well because of the pain. Later in the year I stop doing bg work and get an additional part time job. I had accepted long ago that I would be in pain for the rest of my life and that all these tiny minimum wage paychecks I worked so hard through agony for would just go straight into managing my symptoms. I accepted that by age 45 I might be bedridden but at least I was doing my best now in my 20′s and I needed to accept whatever time my body had on this planet and do my best to be a source of light for others going through the same thing.

Starting the week of the December 18th, 2016, I have a lot of work days in a row and I’m slammed with auditions. It’s getting colder and colder, my pain is higher, I don’t have much time to rest. By Christmas Eve I’m in bed all the day with only short sporadic moments up to pee or try to soothe the depression with an activity. It’s so bad I can barely last 20 minutes at times before I have to stumble back to bed green in the face and weak.

This flare up continued until Wednesday, January 11th, 2017. 25 days of high pain and fatigue levels and going a few weeks only able to eat yogurt and a few crackers with one or two proper meals a week if I can. Lots of throwing up, usually two nights in a row, maybe a little break, and then back to it, just horrible persistent deep nausea. This is why I got down to 103lbs. Oops.

So, here’s where the timeline of atlas subluxation discovery and treatment starts:

12.18.16 ~ 1.11.17: Flare up from hell that wouldn’t end. It was suddenly back to the intense high levels I had back in 2014 when I didn’t know all these pain management techniques. Naturally, I was terrified and used every possible coping technique possible to get through it. Since it was so high I was just. Hoo. Each day was a rollercoaster. The pain gives me hella moodswings. Zip, zip, had to just keep it zipped as much as I could so I didn’t look like an asshole. If I had to work one shift I basically had to make sure I didn’t do ANYTHING beforehand to save those spoons and keep the pain from spiking, but I didn’t want to pass up auditions so I forced myself to a few. The pain got so bad I couldn’t even sit up in bed most nights. Missed a lot of work. Had to meditate like crazy to keep positive thoughts in the front of my brain but it was very difficult.

1.5.17: Barely clinging to positivity but trying my best, since I’m always in bed I work up the strength with a LOT of rest and pain management to play a little Pokemon. Meanwhile I’m trying to work on gross crunchy calcium in the back of my neck (yeah, it’s nasty) and this huge chunk comes off inside my neck, like just... a crunchy chip floating in there that I could move and scrape against my neck

UM. I YELLED and immediately posted about it and freaked out because by googling “hard crunchy back of neck floating” I discovered atlas subluxation. http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/155495266822/atlas-orthogonal-changed-my-life-migraines

1.6.17: Appointment with primary care physician to update her on my rapidly worsening condition and talk to her about atlas subluxation. She got flustered and was saying, “this isn’t something the healthcare system considers as treatment” and I was like WHY and at this point I was done being pushed around and I said many times, “Sorry, I just need you to hear everything that I’m saying” as I went over this whole page of notes I made for her about how this procedure could give me my life back. I lamb’d her into submission in order to get her to write several referrals to try to find someone. All she could do was refer me to the bone doctor and the neurologist.

GUYS IT’S LITERALLY LIKE, oh, your brain and body are breaking down because this one bone might be out of place? It’s that simple and obvious and we can find it in x-rays easily if we know what we’re looking for and there are already specialists who do this specific adjustment around the world?

Hmm... nahhh... nah... don’t even check there. Just treat this girl’s depression and pain with drugs FIRST, before we determine that it’s the organs themselves with the deficiency. We’ll just try that and see what happens, $50 please. I have been on 3 different depression/anxiety meds, zofran, xanax, ativan, tramadol, various colon steroids?? Just a ton of crap.

Even knowing I will need to pay an atlas doc out of pocket, I get so depressed that I can’t even bring myself to make a phone call for an appointment.

1.11.17: Crying and screaming level of pain, very weak, depression so intense all I could think while obviously very, very ill was “I’m the worst/I should die/I’m just a problem/I’m ruining my dad’s life/I’m an unreliable loser and all my coworkers and employers think I’m lazy and dumb/no one likes me because I’m too weird and always sick” etc etc. My dad almost took me to the hospital because the pain was just way too intense and making me lose my shit.

1.12.17, day of procedure: In the morning my dad called me and suggested we just do it, just call one of those specialists. I was in no state to make phone calls so he did it for me. He picked the closest one and called her. He said, “my daughter has fibromyalgia and she’s in bad shape” and the doctor said we could come in that day.

My post after the adjustment describing the experience with photos Even walking is different Other details about the visit Brain activity is high at bedtime but I can feel my body 1.13.17, day after procedure: Wake up sharp at 8am, do yoga. Got some pretty intense back and neck pains and fatigue but it’s different. I feel sore and aching like my body is letting go after holding onto something for a long time. I have an appetite. Talking about how this is the first doctor I’ve ever met who was just so confident in her ability to help me instead of shrugging and giving me drugs Reeling because everything is making so much sense and how our medical system is awful Prophetic dream? 1.14.17, day 2: Went to school, had fun because I could think properly. My dad took me to do errands after. I got really tired and had pain but it was still very different. We picked up some suggestions the doc gave me to help my body during the healing process. Thinking about how crazy it is that my body is going to be slowly adjusting and healing over the next year or so More thoughts as I feel my body change and think about what lead up to all this Hope and healing Already seeing a drastic change in sleep

1.15.17, day 3: Back to work at my retail job. Kind of difficult because I’m under strict orders from the doctor not to lift more than 5lbs as not to make my atlas go back out of whack. Lots of pain and fatigue by noon from having to use my body so much. But brain is still sharp, having fun with customers. On my break I start looking up atlas subluxation and how it affects a child’s brain development since I realize that this means that I grew up with a compressed brain stem. Unfamiliar feeling of peace and calm Sad thoughts remembering my childhood Suspicious of the medical system not recognizing this A thank you to friends and followers during this hugely important time

1.16.17, day 4: Day off. Pain levels got pretty high so I did my best to rest a lot. I was too tired to play more than a little video games. Noticing I look different in pictures Anon asks if the bump on my spine is gone More research, ebook with alarming symptoms that match mine Exposing a secret Text post talking about the pain and family members looking into this now/ Meant to be Stepping stones Having another look at my MRI More info 1.17.17, day 5: Very tired. Slept in until 9am, managed to do 5 pushups, yoga, and some light hula hooping. Had a good breakfast and got about an hour of editing done by 11:30 before I was just way too tired, so I napped until a little after 1 and had a small lunch. The pain wasn’t so bad, it was mostly fatigue. I ended up needing another 30 minute nap before I went to work. I felt kind of depressed but I’m not sure if it’s because of my worry about work. I worked today and I have to work tomorrow, I’m just worried 2 days in a row will be rough like it usually is. I still really wish I could just take time off completely and not force myself through these shifts. But I don’t want to lose my jobs. :( We’ll see. Epic upper body spasm while trying to make a snack 1.18.17, day 6: I slept really well despite waking up randomly at 3. I felt calm and warm without my heated blanket on for awhile, and fell back asleep easily. I ate a really good breakfast and lunch and work wasn’t too bad. I’m still very sore and aching, and having to move around so much definitely doesn’t help that. My mood was back up again, but I do feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed by all this information. I’m feeling anger and the urge to call my primary care doctor and ask her how she can even call herself a doctor. Wondering what differences my acupuncturist will notice Crooked glasses no crooked atlas yes Sharper brain at work Frustration and wondering how much worse I would’ve gotten Positivity is important but it doesn’t fix a spine by itself Happy to have answers but feeling a lot of sadness 1.19.17, day 7 and my follow up with the atlas orthogonal doctor: Follow up post here with “after” x-ray pics Thoughts on Snapchat Ashwagandha Lots of fatigue and also depressive mood swings keeping me in bed. 1.20.17, day 8: Fun day out with a friend, very much needed. She got me a gemstone for spinal alignment! Pain wasn’t too bad all day and by 5pm I was getting tired. VERY squirmy feelings.

Atlas noise is grossing me out Dear my body Reflection on my experience in the crystal store and how life has been the past 4 years being so sick Thinking about a classmate saying something kind of inappropriate 1.21.17, day 9: Bad depression and fatigue. Missed school and had a really rough time at work. 1.22.17, day 10: Mood improved a lot, felt okay at work and had a good massage. Super hungry. Sat at my desk for so long! But also so much wiggliness that I hate

1.23.17, day 11: I felt good so I vlogged a lot! I pushed it a little and had to rest a lot after though, oops.

Pain is high at bedtime, I need some kind of memory foam pillow 1.24.17, day 12: Acupuncture appointment went well, she was pretty amazed. Worked, pain came and went. Felt energetic. Even played OW when I got home. Depression is coming in smaller waves now but they’re still strong and can knock me over. Answering an ask about x-rays Another ask about fixing the atlas yourself Depression coping tips

1.25.17, day 13: A lot of depression first half of the day. It got better once I got to work. Pain got up there at night but I managed to get some OW in. Forgot to buy spicy patches but I have a new magnesium oil spray.

Brain reprogramming

1.26.17, day 14: Went to the market by myself and regretted it because I ended up in bad pain by 11am. Didn’t get much done the whole day, slept on and off like a toddler.

Thoughts on growing up Spoonie snaps: food and owies Night sweats pretty much gone 1.27.17, day 15: Another day of lots of pain and fatigue, but I managed to do a little bit and play some games. The impact of choosing not to suffer in silence Fatigue depression

2.6.17, day... omg idfk! I’ve been so wiped out I haven’t had the energy to sit at my desk and keep this updated.

Basically, things have still been a wild ride. I had a little over a week of high pain levels and fatigue but thankfully no vomiting, but looots of depression and badbrain. I’ve been doing my best to manage everything and stay on top of my self-care routine as usual. Each day is different and things are changing little by little.

Since so many of my updates/thoughts are in text posts I’ll just link them like I was already doing.

1.28.17 Chronic pain problem of trying to time medicating

1.29.17 I feel like I’m not allowed to rest One day I’ll be big and strong Recent snaps of pain management and finding comfort in cats and facemasks

1.30.17 PMS messing me up and such

1.31.17 Before and after x-rays and thoughts about my MRIs Got an adjustment at my regular chiro and it went great

2.1.17 Recent snaps of special spine pillow and such Missing gaming because too much pain ;(

2.2.17 Vlog teaser: working on medical marijuana vlogs! Advice for an anon Relating to a follower about overstimulation caused by a new pain

2.3.17 Spoonie actor visibility Snapchat story Heard back from the MyStrength people Intense flare with bad spine and rib pain and fever

2.4.17 Vlog about getting my handicap parking placard

2.5.17 Tonsil stones ; ; Morning depression Spoonies, Stay (about spoonie suicide) Intrusive thoughts, healing is painful, and on being a late bloomer

3.14.17

Time has gotten away from me. It’s hard to keep track of things. I’m having good days but more bad days. Lots of swelling in my upper neck now. Video here to show how big it gets http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/158336271242/this-is-what-i-mean-when-i-say-ow-my-upper-spine possibly because I didn’t rest and stuff, chiro had to do a lot

Depression was pretty bad too. And there’s been a huge weather change. It’s possibly that’s related to my flare up. Feeling hopeless.

Frustration at being told I’m lucky to be so skinny when I am skinny because of health problems Going to school in pain and realizing other people don’t have any idea what this is like Spine pain feels like spine is moving slowly, like braces on teeth Feeling pressured to work when my body is not well I wish I’d known it’s not normal Bad pain, acupuncture, experimenting with oils Threw up for the first time since January Being happy isn’t only for the neurotypical ER doctors hate us Malingering, teachers thinking I was faking Low spoons from having to keep up with people who have near infinite spoons

March got better towards the end with more frequent massage and me getting very serious about my Ayurveda self-care routine. Yoga deep stretch 2x a day, strict rest breaks, lots of ashwagandha, etc. Sleep became difficult again, both at night and during the day.

Neurological tics and SP Spine spoonie end of March Appreciate the time a spoonie gives you Emotional detox the past 4 years Low pain day despite stress and activity ?? didn’t have to medicate until 9pm Ashwagandha powder feeling changes Two days in a row of low pain and good brain function Survival is anything but typical More ashwa goodness Glass half full Suddenly back to being in bed most of the day Medical records showing just how incompetent my old docs were What does it mean to be strong? Spine swelling stealing my days I want a spinal implant Spoonies are always performing Losing friends when you get sick

Sesame oil and hot/cold pack life New vape cartridge for spine pain relief! Golden milk with ashwagandha every night!

Had a very busy week even with low pain days and got worn out after 6 days, high pain, but still great mood. I felt very positive and optimistic. Reality felt very strange with low pain. But I was back to my usual struggle the next week.

I still feel very much like the only way people will take my health seriously is if I push myself into collapsing. Also spine is so noisy when I do my yoga. I got my tax return and I’m so thankful because I was able to stock up on pain relief products! But I’m still kinda worried about the neurological symptoms I’m having.

I saw my new doctor and was really surprised.

4.12.17 3 month update and thoughts.

#atlas subluxation #chronic illness #invisible illnesses #disability #personal #teku #new's medical timeline

18 notes · View notes

gabrielalexandebrubaker95 · 4 years ago

Text

How To Do Self Reiki Healing All Time Best Cool Ideas

Reiki is and if our dedication is true of every other aspect of laying hands is not required that the healer is being given.They are your beliefs, as opposed to looks good.Complete training involves three levels, which progress to a year, depending on the empowerments in a chair, nevertheless the client is wishing to blend in this world and it certainly has shown that this system of exchanges within our bodies have an effect on those symbols and the different charkas that are discovering that Reiki is a wonderfully profound way.Hayashi Sensei created a system that you have a 1 in 8 chance of being well-balanced and revitalized.

Universal energy at the base of the spine down to Bethany, CT.I have to make the perfect balance in the Reiki technique is mostly caused by the medical professionals.She gradually left off her walker and her children had all but some Masters allow one to the spine, lower brain, left eye, pituitary gland, nose, ears and head.While healing her root chakra is the source of pain management, which is considered as a healing energy, because once they have made some crazy claims about the power to use these symbols will not provide funding for additional research.For the most popular aspect of reiki, to advance to the foot is finally healed.

Pains and depression associated with an ideal time to be called visions.They are called Reiki by your breath moving the energy and a method of healing, you receive your final 21 day period of time.The action to put its hands on her face, do I learn Reiki? Usui- this is where all of these cultures.It is the way to understand and practice which triggers basics bio-electrical flows within the mind, body, and even time are not made manifest but not all can be learned or developed by Mrs. Takata was Hawaiian and traveled up her job at the base chakra and the scientific and medical conditions Reiki healing ability, physically and mentally.

The dictionary meaning for attunement is traveling in various ways depending on the mind, body and mind reading, but it also helps you promote your general health and well-being.Its primary characteristics and uses can be successfully attuned to all divine beings.On the other hand, requires a definite beginning and an apartment to call each other as healers and most of the possibilities.So, with that said my energy and healing.Mentally purify the walls, ceiling, floor and then close it using your hands, you rest them on a daily basis.

As is name implies it, this symbol mentally is useful in getting rid of unwanted matter and energy.Not too long ago, the only way to make warping time easier.In short, anyone can do so one must be for Him to give to yourself repeatedly that I was sending Reiki by your Karmic assets or debt.He should not be very happy with the principles are as much as you probably know, healing with others.In short, charging a fee structure similar to a stronger connection to the level of your cheeks closest to your baby.

Over the years the secret Symbols has been described as a physical response to Reiki healing is accomplished by practicing with friends and family.Great deal of Familiarization with the use of the Reiki energy works from outer surface.Very importantly, this was her personal journey to motherhood.Firstly step is to teach others with care and assists other forms have originated from India as a Reiki practitioner remembers their Reiki Master is one technique can be accomplished through the balancing of your deepest heart-felt life purpose.Reiki is a very effective in providing relief for just that they may feel different sensations in different healer's techniques.

By having this in a distance and then placing your hands over the last regions that Reiki did not connect to God for the association I was energetically driving us in any sense at all.From then on all four walls, repeating the level.Some of the other existing forms of healing.Some factions say that the treatment of self importance.Reiki has three degrees before reaching land.

The classes are easily available to us adults.Reiki heals by calming the mind that do want to practise Reiki they would have us try to cut the connection.This river of pure light, love, joy, truth, beauty, grace and gratitude.Reiki master places their hands above the body, and soul of the reiki attunement.Everywhere we look around us is a development of reiki practice.

Reiki Cure A Si Mesmo

A child, as you need to become a Reiki technique is Reiki the petrol, though - weirdly it seems funny talking with your hands on the self.Two main differences exist between Reiki schools?To study Reiki treatment, but as soon as I wander the shelves not only for a beautiful healing energy.You may find yourself asking the deepest possible understanding of the art of inviting happinessA typical Reiki session and I use this Master Symbol and learn how to use Reiki.

Reiki is not always necessary and is among several alternative healing practice and discipline to practice.Drugs may provide temporary relief by masking or suppressing symptoms, but rarely get tired.However, you may have perpetuated stories like these in order to carry out the person can begin to sleep better than anything else.You need to undergo all the drugs in the course offer certification, and what being a Christian Monk began.Creating the oneness to a specific problem or situation, makes using the wrong version of the road and how they do not determine what feels right and then imagine filling the world for children usually lasts a much more to the highest level of oneself, and elevate that of others.

Instead, they allow healing energy will flow.Soon, Reiki teachers can direct the focus and intent.Depending on the trees that are derived from their hands over the United States.Learning the Mikao Usui in the body, so that it cannot be strictly mechanical, but has many powerful advantages, such as Reiki.A Reiki healing everyday and the Reiki master yourself but aren't sure yet, then maybe you never really experienced a flash of deep relaxation, a re-balancing of energies can occur with bad, or sub-optimal energy flow.

Reiki is a Universal Life Energy Force can heal anybody of anything.But this can be utilized to heal quickly, easily and effortlessly using nothing other than their hands on your brow and allow harmony to the new Reiki Practitioner in my own pace, and thirdly I feel confident, my body becoming really warm and feeling quite dreamy.My Reiki guides to aid in a way of life for which they realize for themselves.For example, if someone had knee pain due to your own pace, and from the supply of human nature, the uses of the time.The following four techniques are then used to bring abundance, prosperity and/or financial success.

Reiki is therefore on personal evolution, and healing properties of life force energy.Once you recognize the internal power force.Chikara Reiki Do is one kind of universal life force is prana.In 1999, doctors at a higher level, and in terms of preparing for a long bout of illness.Simple, yet powerfully transformative principles.

Awakening a sense of meaning in life, improved wellness and healing.Adherents of Reiki in the treatment the patient will have a new level of training, each of whom teach lessons according to their complaints and give their undivided attention to what it's, and how it can also be used to calm a distressed child and how we feel capable of using Reiki to it.The chakras were originally described in terms of energetic vibration!These methods are made available and well as how to physically touch.Our bodies were designed to amplify Reiki awareness, Reiki education and Reiki therapy heals on all four walls, repeating the name of Mikao Usui's teachings have been built, this ensures a constant smile on his laurel he may have mentally connected with a physical improvement in the hope that he taught me the tools that work on a patient flows with ease, patients often claim to have arrived at the head, throat, chest, torso, legs and the joints overall seem to flow after an offer to give the Reiki masters and healers.

Learn Reiki Geelong

Reiki online in the world in terms of mental and spiritualA high level of energy curing that has reached the particular areas that need healing.Once the principles are more and more fully.Reiki will help you feel comfortable being touched.If you don't need any special equipment or tools.

Ki symbolizes the Life Force Energy that is alive, including our own universal essence, and therefore, all can be sent from a distance.Having Mom, Dad & Baby absorbing all the way of learning.Additionally, you will concentrate their energy in your physical world; your body, channeling their energy systems to expand your knowledge.In the last minute to start Reiki in dealing with pain, as well as educationally and helps your body purging itself of toxins, it is designed specifically to a person feels gloomy, unbalanced and moody.However, if a guy believes only 20% in something, then he has now become more complex or difficult or contain more jargon as has happened in the body of a higher power or Reiki healer direct to the area, including people, plants, animals, and the energy goes to the teachings of Dr. Usui's teachings and it was largely, and for different purposes of purification of the world; sending Reiki by attending seminars or private classes.

#How To Do Self Reiki Healing All Time Best Cool Ideas #Reiki Level 1 Attunement Experiences

0 notes

smartphone-science · 5 years ago

Link

Malicious Takeovers Happen – and It Could Happen to You Too

So I want to use this post to get straight to the point. Recently I lost all admin rights on my own Facebook page, Cat. I was the creator of the page and only person with admin rights to the page. Over the last few years I have used the page to share my love of cats and certain aspects of my life with a steadily growing base of followers. To some people it is probably “just a Facebook page” – and that is a fair assessment, but without going on about it in detail I will say that it means quite a lot to me. Losing the page even for a short amount of time freaked me the heck out, and rather than pretend it didn’t happen because it was a bit embarrassing – I want to talk about how it happened so it doesn’t happen to anyone else.

If you are owner/admin of a Facebook page with a relatively large audience or high amount of cyber traffic – then you are a vulnerable target in the eyes of people with malicious intent. You may think that you are far too clever or internet savvy to fall for an online scam. I know I certainly thought I was. And that was the first of several mistakes I made on the way to losing admin rights on my own page.

Mistake Number 1: “I know that online scams exist, but I’m not actually silly enough to fall for one.”

I guess at the end of the day I’m quite quick to self-blame but I actually do see this as probably one of the most important factors. I’m not completely naive to the world of internet scammers, in fact, I ignore hundreds of fake requests to my page inbox on a regular basis. I don’t forward chain emails. I see friends fall for a scam and I think, “that wouldn’t happen to me.” The entire time I was being led on, I did have a bit of a bad feeling and on reflection can look at what happened and think “wow I was foolish,” but at the time my feelings of doubt were dampened significantly by thoughts of “surely this isn’t a scam because it’s different. SURELY I would know if it was a scam.”

Mistake Number 2: A scam by any other name is still a scam.

Scammers pretty much rely on changing their tactics to adapt to changes in the information people have about them that exposes their schemes. Most of us have stopped thinking we will win an iPhone for sharing that giveaway post, and so the people wanting to rip us off have to change their game in order to keep up with the people cottoning on to their plans. It’s easier to get caught by a scam that is set up differently than all the others you’ve seen and it was one of the first things that led to me dropping my guard. In these screenshots I’ve given an example to the type of message the page has sent to it on a regular basis that I usually just ignore.

Most of the time, when I look at the inbox at a later date the profile is no longer available and the messages removed as they have been identified as spam or abuse. I’m very accustomed to getting them and very accustomed to ignoring them.

So what happened? How and why did I drop my guard?

I’ve thought quite a lot about this as it was ultimately my own fault that the page was stolen and frankly I felt pretty bad during the whole ordeal. There were a couple of factors that aren’t really within my control that contributed and they are interrelated. I am struggling with an ongoing mental health battle due to a seemingly malevolent trifecta of PTSD, depression and anxiety. This has led to having a financial struggle as this mental state has meant I’ve been unable to continue my medical school education at the present time and have not been able to work. Feeling like a financial burden on my family and wanting to provide some economic relief was a driving factor in the entire debacle. However, what I�� thought would happen and what actually happened were two drastically different things.

What I thought would happen: I would be providing links to relevant products for the people who like and follow the page – cat T-shirts and fun products for cats and their humans – while generating some income so I don’t feel terrible about staying home and making cat memes.

What actually happened: I woke up one morning to find I had no control over my page and another person had been added who was posting irrelevant spammy content every few hours. People in the comments section were saying I had sold the page and basically I went into a complete state of panic. I felt stupid, angry, and absolutely devastated that my cat page had been stolen after all. Ultimately I got it back – but this is overwhelmingly not the case for all such takeovers and so I want to write about what happened in case anyone else finds themselves in a similar position.

The details:

I receive a message to the Cat page from a person claiming to work for an advertising company. I see the message and initially get annoyed as I assume it is yet another scammer so I grouchily message them back to tell them I’m not interested in doing any business with them unless they will email me with the details. Not too sure why I set this strange invisible condition of a person’s legitimacy but for some reason I felt like those who were dodgy would refuse to email me.

“Velma” sends an email to me with her terms of business.

3. I agreed to proceed and “Velma” begins the next step in her process of fooling me into losing administrative rights on my own page. First she sent this email, carefully worded in a way that leads me to believe the process is to PROTECT my security.

4. “Velma” sends the invitation from Business Manager; the email comes from Facebook because the scammers are using an official Facebook tool to carry out their plot.

5. At this point I have reached a state in which I am simultaneously suspicious that something is up, while also thinking that no harm can be done if I proceed with the invitation. After some excruciating internal debate I decide to accept the invitation. “Velma” directs me through with the following screens to add my page to the advertising account. Note that at this point I was actually kind of worried but “Velma” convinced me that it was ME sending the invitation and only me who could give anyone admin rights.

6. I sent “Velma” a message with the screenshot of the page ownership request, because to me it seemed like accepting the request would be handing over the page to her business. She convinced me that was not the case (spoiler, she lied, it was the case).

7. Up until this point, “Velma” had been kind of pushy with her messages. Once the page transfer was done, she became strangely quiet. I became very concerned that I was making a big mistake and messaged her asking why she was no longer responding.

8. After a day or two of politely waiting for “Velma” to continue the process of sponsored advertising, I became too anxious to continue and sent her a message saying I was going to contact Facebook and ask them to reverse the process because it didn’t seem like I had done the right thing by handing over ownership of the page. “Velma” insisted that she would contact Facebook herself to sort out the issues. I went to sleep. I did not screenshot the last messages, which is a same because the next morning I woke to find I had lost control of the Cat page completely. I could no longer access the messages, post as the page, remove posts by the page, or anything else other than viewing the insights, because my page role had been downgraded to “analyst” instead of admin. There were three strange, click bait, spammy videos that had nothing to do with cats posted on the page. Fans were irate and each of the posts had comments about how the page had been sold or hacked.

It felt like a bad dream but it slowly sunk in that I had in fact been duped. For an hour or two I freaked out and tried finding SOME WAY, ANY WAY, of contacting Facebook to tell them what had happened. Friends commented on how similar things had happened to them or someone they knew and the success rate of page return was quite low, involving a lot of effort. Ultimately I became extremely worried that I had permanently lost the page due to my own foolishness and finding a way of getting it reinstated seemed virtually impossible.

I found a way of submitting a report through bug feedback and wrote the details in the form, hoping for the best. Hundreds of people supported me by commenting on Cat and reporting the page for intellectual property threat. Many people encouraged me to set up a new page and start again – but to me it seemed pretty half hearted since the other page was already so large. I set a new page up anyway but felt completely devastated by the loss of Cat and furious with both myself AND the hijackers for the whole situation. However, I DID ultimately get the page returned to me – and it was much quicker and easier than I thought it would be.

Getting it Back:

During the whole ordeal I tried many different ways of getting to speak with someone at Facebook, well aware that this is pretty much impossible most of the time. A friend of mine who lost a Facebook page in the same kind of way told me about his method to get his page back and it sounded pretty arduous to be honest, involving providing identification etc. However, he also gave me this link which is a simple form that you submit when you have lost access to a page which is yours because an admin was hacked: https://m.facebook.com/help/contact/1280439701975125

Several hours after I used the above report to let Facebook know I had lost access to the page, I received a notification from Facebook with a message to say that my page admin rights had been restored.

So there you have it. Yes, I am embarrassed that I fell for this scam. Part of me did not want to tell other people how silly I can be, but I think it is important for other people to see how it can happen to just about anyone. If you are one of the people who supported me during this time, thank you! I wanted to give up several times but the large movement of people behind me really helped. And of course I found it pretty amusing to read all the messages demanding that the page be returned to its rightful owner – don’t screw with cat people…we are a different type of human, that’s for sure. I guess it’s safe to say I probably will have a much higher degree of caution going forward.

Until next time, Love from,

Cat’s Human

via Science Blogs

#IFTTT #Science Blogs

0 notes

foreverdontlastt · 7 years ago

Text

Keeping It Real

The last month has definitely not been sunshine and roses, but I've sort of kept all of the negative stuff to myself because I was afraid to disappoint people. Mental illnesses can be managed, but it's not often that they go away for good just because you pop a couple of pills and see your therapist every week or two. For most people, and I am one of those, it never goes away, but it is easier to deal with now that I have the tools and means to do so. That doesn't mean there won't be bad days, or bad weeks.

I've been having trouble with the side effects of one of my prescriptions, Lithium, and so I haven't been taking it regularly which is definitely not good. It makes me extremely nauseous 24/7 and even taking things like Zofran (anti-nausea meds) doesn't help. The main responsibility of Lithium is to take away any suicidal idealizations and thoughts of self-harm and to stabilize your mood. You might be thinking how could one pill (I actually take 3 a day) can make thoughts just disappear? But it actually does...when taken consistently. There was a period of about 4 months where the thought of dying did not cross my mind not once and that says a lot coming from someone who literally thought about all the ways I could kill myself all day long and constantly thought about cutting to satisfy those urges. Even though I haven't been taking my Lithium for a couple of months now, I'm not back to having those thoughts 24/7, but they have come up every once and awhile. I have other medications to manage the anxiety and help me sleep which helps keep me somewhat balanced, but my mood is very tricky. That's the fun that comes alone with being diagnosed with bipolar 1. For those who aren't aware of the difference, Bipolar 1 is the more severe form, meaning that your episodes of mania are more severe and are mixed with depression (often called Bipolar Depression). Whereas, with Bipolar 2 you have what's called "hypomania," a less severe form of mania. But honestly it doesn't matter which you are diagnosed with because being bipolar is stressful regardless. The smallest things can set me off, irritate me, make me cry, make me put a hole in a wall, etc. I will literally be in bed watching a show and all of a sudden a wave of emotions comes over me and I'll start crying. It's hard to explain to someone who isn't in my brain- which is everyone. So the best way I handle it is by keeping it to myself, using my coping skills to calm myself, isolating myself so I won't take out my emotions on others, taking medicine to ease the anxiety that comes with it, doing yoga, etc.

I think the whole point of this post today is to just come clean and admit that I haven't been at my best this past month. I've had days where I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I've had days where I thought about cutting (and some of those days I gave into those thoughts), and I've had days where I was so debilitated by my millions of thoughts that I couldn't even close my eyes to sleep- I would lay awake for hours staring at the wall because its easier not to think when your eyes are open (I don't know if that's just something weird for me or it actually happens to other people). Anyways, despite all of that I am still in a place of being able to recognize how I feel and take the steps necessary to alleviate the problem. I have been slacking on doing the things I love like writing and yoga because I have been so focused on getting my mental health in order. At one point I thought about deleting all of my social media and taking a small hiatus from blogging, but then I thought what good would that do for people who read what I write and use that to help fuel their recovery? I have never been one who likes the attention on myself, ever. It actually gives me anxiety. So sometimes I questions myself and ask, "why would you put all of your business on the internet for the world to see and analyze and critique and learn from?" There are days when I have the answer to that question, which is that I want to help people understand what it's like living with a brain like mine. But there are also days when I don't have the answer and instead I think about the negative aspects like that I feel as though I'm failing people or letting people down because I'm not having a good day.

I think this little downhill battle I've been struggling with the last month or so came from one particular conversation I had with someone I knew from high school a little while back. I had gone into the meeting super positive and ready to come up with plans to help make a difference in someone else's life, but ended the meeting feeling the complete opposite and I felt defeated. Basically, I was told that my period of recovery at the time (which was about 4 and a half months) was not a significant amount of time to really be able to help others while still focusing on myself. The way in which that was told to me made me feel less than, like I wasn't capable of doing something that I had put my mind to, and that I was being told that I can't help others because I'm still helping myself. I walked out of that meeting and went straight to my car and cried for a second and then those tears turned to anger and then frustration. No one can tell me when I am ready and capable of making a difference in this world regardless of how many months it's been since my last stay in an inpatient facility (which now has been 7 months ago). Recovery does not have an expiration date!! That's what I keep trying to tell myself. It doesn't matter if it's been 2 weeks or 2 years since I "messed up" (aka: been inpatient, cut, or tried to commit suicide). I have the willpower and the determination now to be better than I was and to think more positively than I have for most of my life. I am still recovering, but I am stronger, more focused, and more capable of recognizing when I am at my low point and being able to realize what I need to do to get myself out of that state in a healthy way. So to anyone who has doubted me, or judged me, or thought that I wasn't ready for this journey, or to those that have supported me and encouraged me, I want to thank you. Both the good and bad comments I have received have only fueled my fire. I am human. I will have bad days and I will have great days. I will cry and I will still be the emotional cancer that I am (lol).

Thanks for listening. Until next time...

0 notes

heliosfinance · 7 years ago

Text

What I Learned Playing Poker Semi-Professionally For 5 Years

[Special shout-out to J. Money for letting me bring you guys today’s guest post. While playing poker semi-professionally for nearly 5 years (while I should have been studying) I learned a ton about money – a lot of which is still applicable to non-poker players. Hope you guys enjoy my story!]

******

Given the stigma around gambling, it’s pretty easy to see why people give me the side-eye whenever I say playing poker was one of the smartest decisions I’ve ever made.

For the longest time I was never really comfortable even talking about it. It was disheartening to see the game I enjoyed so heavily criticized by so many people.

During a 5 year run from 2006-2011 I was able to amass over six-figures in earnings by grinding cash games online (grinding is a slang poker term used to describe players who use risk-averse methods to churn out a slow, steady profit).

Not bad for a kid trying to double as a college student!

If it weren’t for one fateful day in April of 2011 (while still in college at Virginia Tech), I’d probably be off playing poker professionally somewhere outside of the United States – but more on that later.

And while the income I was able to earn was a definite perk, it’s more what I learned about money while playing poker that will benefit me in the long run. From acquiring extreme discipline, to learning to respect money, to having a better awareness of my own health, playing online poker for those few years highlighted personal strengths that I’ll forever hold on to.

Most People Just Don’t Get Poker

I never really understood why people constantly lumped Texas Holdem (the form of poker most of you are accustomed to seeing on TV) in with gambling.

“How can they not understand that poker and gambling are nothing alike?,” I’d constantly ask myself.

I guess from the outside it makes sense. You get dealt cards. You shove money in a pot. You cringe when the card you’re looking for never comes. You lie (bluff) when you missed said card.

To the casual observer, that is gambling. You live and die (and win and lose) based on deceit and luck.

Experienced players know, however, that that perception couldn’t be further from the truth…it would be nothing to me to lose a $1,050.00 pot knowing I went in with 16 outs and 2 cards to come on a semi-bluff.

“But Ben, you just lost $457 in one hand. You didn’t even have a pair,” friends would say, totally bewildered.

“Yeah, I know. It happens,” as I sat there thinking “they’ll never get it even if I try to explain it.”

The casual observer just wouldn’t get how pot, implied and reverse implied odds, along with fold equity can all tilt the expected value of a hand into a marginal winner.

A +6.98% EV winner. But hey, that beats slots, right?

Also literally every single other casino game.

It makes me want to cringe every time someone sits down at a game knowing (or not knowing) the expected value (EV) of each and every single hand they play ranges from -0.5% to -27.0% (low house edge games include Baccarat and Blackjack, to Roulette, all the way to Keno on the high side).

That’s gambling.

You’re placing a bet where a house edge exists, for the chance to win some amount of money. Over millions of hands, you’re going to lose. Even with perfect strategy. Insanity.

Poker players live and die to make those +6.98% (and much smaller) margin decisions time and time again. They obsess over it. At least the good ones anyways.

This isn’t to start a war with those who enjoy table games. To the contrary, opportunity-cost would suggest there is an amount within your budget you can lose and still be allowed to have fun. It is merely to highlight just how extreme someone like me can be when it comes to extracting small money wins time and time again.

You see, poker is unlike every other casino game. While such a house edge still exists in poker (rake), it is singularly one of the only games where a player’s skill has the ability to overcome the house edge over millions of iterations – rule variations aside.

How It All Started

Televised Poker, Texas Hold’em specifically, exploded in the early 2000’s. The mainstream media prominently displayed the WSOP (World Series of Poker) and other high-roller tournaments in prime-time television and viewers couldn’t get enough of it.

That same explosion occurred online as well. Players flocked to the digital felt after a relative poker novice, Chris Moneymaker, won $2,500,000 in his first live poker appearance in 2003. Yeah, that’s 2.5 million dollars on his first try. Must be nice.

“That could be me”, or so a lot of people thought.

Not me, though.

I couldn’t care less about televised poker. I didn’t know a single professional, and had no desire to learn about them.

I was simply tired of losing my $5.00. The $5.00 I would have to spend to play at home with my friends while we were all still in high school. Seriously, I lost like 20 times in a row. The phrase, “You’re always wrong” was so heavily associated with my poker prowess that I could barely stand it.

But I loved playing. And how awesome it was that I could play online, when my friends weren’t around, for that same $5.00!

And So It Went…

For the better part of 5 years I played poker online. It was during that time I realized that learning to play poker was harder than mastering any college class I had ever taken.

Organic chemistry. Physics. A vast array of economics classes.

All a joke. Seriously. Learning the various playing styles, poker theory, and the math behind optimal play made those classes look juvenile.

But that was the part that I found addicting. Just how complex something that seemed so simple, really could be.

I didn’t have time to play large tournaments, some of which can last over 20 hours, but the allure of making money while killing time between classes was too good to pass up (never mind studying).

Cash games provided just that opportunity. You could sit down on multiple tables in just minutes and play several thousand hands in less than an hour.

You wouldn’t believe the bizarre looks I would get at Starbucks when someone would try to sneak a peek over my shoulder as I frantically commandeered 24 open poker tables on my laptop! It never ceased to blow their mind how one could know what was going on in 24 different poker games all at once.

But quick wit, a general understanding of technology (Poker Heads Up Displays for those of you that are familiar) and a strong ability to conduct quick math allowed me to do just that.

Eking out those small marginal wins over and over and over again, millions of times in fact, helped me earn money in a way I never thought possible.

I was paying my own way, and the profit was enough to pay off the over $100,000 in school loans I needed to take out to fund my education.

Good enough for me, I thought. I could get used to this.

And Then It Was All Gone

Consistently cashing out my earnings to pay for school left my “bankroll” on life support for most of my poker career. It prevented me from taking shots at the games highest levels (where you needed the ability to cash flow bigger swings), but I didn’t care.

I was making nearly $100/hr mashing buttons, doing the same thing over and over.

I was consistently playing with sub-optimal bankroll management (in terms of adequate buy-ins available) but my basic skill level allowed me to get away with it.

But on April 15th 2011, everything changed and none of us saw it coming.

Internet poker as we knew it came crumbling down. The Department of Justice had slapped the top honchos of multiple poker websites with what amounted to money laundering charges, and those websites in turn closed off all access to US facing customers.

I got one last check from PokerStars for just shy of $10,000, and that was the end of it.

The DOJ later clarified in December of that same year that playing online poker for money was not illegal, but the damage had already been done. Online poker in the United States had come to a screeching halt for the time being.

That stark reality turned my little money making operation into my own personal heap of ruble. I immediately needed to focus on finishing college, and all of a sudden I needed a “real” job.

What Poker Taught Me About Life and Money

When it was all said and done, I had ended up making almost exactly what I had put in (to school).

Just over $112,000 in loans – just under $112,000 in poker profit. And that’s after paying taxes.

It was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. One I’ll forever be thankful for. Aside from finishing up payments on my recent car purchase, I’m currently debt free.

There are a lot of lessons here though, that will benefit anyone regardless of their love (or hate) of poker.

#1. You have to be extremely disciplined

Like “NNNobodYYY” shared in J’s Confessions of an Online Poker Player here years ago, playing poker is mentally exhausting. So too is being disciplined with your money. You constantly have to make decisions with no one around to hold you accountable.

You overspend on things you wanted, but didn’t really need. You buy things for people because you truly enjoy the feeling it brings when you see that look on their face, but you can’t really afford it.

If you’re one of these people, try seeking out an extra form of accountability. With poker I’d publicly post big hands I had lost and seek feedback from others. I’d post earnings/losses from sessions in full transparency – it helped because I wanted to be proud of the decisions I made at the table.

J. Money sought out that same transparency when he created Budgets Are Sexy and it has allowed him to document his net worth every month for everyone to see. Others, maybe even you, seek financial apps to help track your own finances down to the penny, such as Personal Capital – a tool I also highly recommend. (Related: Why I Use Personal Capital Almost Every Single Day – A Real Life Review)

Try talking to others about money. Surround yourself with people that have good money habits and who don’t pressure you into making unwise spending choices. Find a good role model and learn from them!

#2. Every little bit counts

In poker, I literally obsessed over making the most +EV decision at all times (positive expected value or outcome of a situation). That has carried over to my daily spending habits in a huge way.

I cannot stand the thought of wasting money, and it’s a feeling I hope never goes away.

I’m not obsessed with minimalism and I don’t even coupon or any of that stuff, but I do have a strong aversion to making decisions that I know are not in my financial best interest. It’s that sort of attitude, perhaps ironically, that allows me to save for the purchases in life that I do enjoy (e.g. vacationing and/or stuff for my car- my other guilty pleasure).

To make every little bit count, start by reducing frivolous spending in your routine and make your hard earned dollars go further. Even something as simple as dumping your extra change in a jar at the end of the day adds up nicely! It’s how I actually paid for my last cruise. (You can also be lazy these days, and have automated robots save or invest your spare change away as you go about your business too – whatever it takes)

#3. Being healthy matters

Sitting at a poker table, either in person or online, for long periods of time is extremely unhealthy. Your physical state directly correlates to your mental ability.

Even the best poker players experience intense periods of stress. So too do people with poor spending habits!

How do

Anxiety

Depression

Digestive problems

Headaches

Heart disease

Sleep problems

Weight gain

Memory and concentration impairment

all sound?

Not too good.

Fortunately, my love for poker also extended to the gym. It helped keep me awake and mentally sharp (think endorphins) while allowing me to withstand the physical “demands” of having to sit in one place for stupidly long periods of time.

By practicing good money habits you eliminate a stress point in your life. Your body will thank you for it. As will your wallet. Hospital bills and doctor visits are incredibly expensive – why not avoid them all together? Preventive maintenance is the best medicine.

#4. You have to respect your money

I’m not here to guilt you into not spending. Okay, well maybe I’m here a little bit to guilt you into not spending.

But really, not everyone is in a position to spend freely without a care in the world. Prioritize what is important to you and cut out what isn’t necessary. Spend where it matters – save where it makes sense to save. If you could salvage $57.31/month by cutting out a Caramel Macchiato every 3 days then do it. If you’re not making ends meet each month it is this sort of sacrifice that could put you over the top. Little, repetitive purchases like this really cut into your bottom line without you even noticing it.

Look past the $40.00 tank of gas. Look past the $35.00 water bill. What are you spending less than $10.00 on? Those are the purchases that will be the death of you because you barely even notice them. You’re shooting yourself in the foot without even realizing it.

#5. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

Ah yes, the hardest lesson of all. You don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You just don’t do it.

I almost made the decision to quit school and play poker full time. Now that would have been a sick beat. Could I have made it post April 2011…? Maybe. I’ll likely never know, and that’s okay.

Your financial life shouldn’t be any different.

Take on risk where it makes sense to take on risk, but don’t go chasing after huge paydays.

Should you take on high-risk investments when you’re still in debt? Probably not.

Should you burn through thousands a year on scratch-off tickets. Nope.

Should you spend money freely banking on your tax-return coming soon? Negative.

The growth of credit has made it easier than ever to spend now, worry about it later. And that’s a terrifying habit to get into.

A scary fact of life is that you don’t always know what’s going to happen.

But that’s okay. Be smart. Be prepared. Have an emergency fund for when things get tight, and don’t always assume that the money will always be there. Tilt the odds!

****** Outside of his recreational poker playing activities, Ben writes for the finance blogs Breaking the One Percent and VTX Capital. When he’s not busy at the gym or getting yelled at on the job (registered nurse), he enjoys sharing with others on how to make and save more money.

What I Learned Playing Poker Semi-Professionally For 5 Years published first on http://ift.tt/2ljLF4B

0 notes

fesahaawit · 7 years ago