#I had a dream on May 11 that said YOU MUST GET THERE BY MAY 26 so I did and hence took that pic

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Sandra Newman’s “Julia”

The first chapter of Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four has a fantastic joke that nearly everyone misses: when Julia, Winston Smith's love interest, is introduced, she has oily hands and a giant wrench, which she uses in her "mechanical job on one of the novel-writing machines":

https://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks01/0100021.txt

That line just kills me every time I re-read the book – Orwell, a novelist, writing a dystopian future in which novels are written by giant, clanking mechanisms. Later on, when Winston and Julia begin their illicit affair, we get more detail:

She could describe the whole process of composing a novel, from the general directive issued by the Planning Committee down to the final touching-up by the Rewrite Squad. But she was not interested in the finished product. She 'didn't much care for reading,' she said. Books were just a commodity that had to be produced, like jam or bootlaces.

I always assumed Orwell was subtweeting his publishers and editors here, and you can only imagine that the editor who asked Orwell to tweak the 1984 manuscript must have felt an uncomfortable parallel between their requests and the notional Planning Committee and Rewrite Squad at the Ministry of Truth.

I first read 1984 in the early winter of, well, 1984, when I was thirteen years old. I was on a family trip that included as visit to my relatives in Leningrad, and the novel made a significant impact on me. I immediately connected it to the canon of dystopian science fiction that I was already avidly consuming, and to the geopolitics of a world that seemed on the brink of nuclear devastation. I also connected it to my own hopes for the nascent field of personal computing, which I'd gotten an early start on, when my father – then a computer science student – started bringing home dumb terminals and acoustic couplers from his university in the mid-1970s. Orwell crystallized my nascent horror at the oppressive uses of technology (such as the automated Mutually Assured Destruction nuclear systems that haunted my nightmares) and my dreams of the better worlds we could have with computers.

It's not an overstatement to say that the rest of my life has been about this tension. It's no coincidence that I wrote a series of "Little Brother" novels whose protagonist calls himself w1n5t0n:

https://craphound.com/littlebrother/Cory_Doctorow_-_Little_Brother.htm

I didn't stop with Orwell, of course. I wrote a whole series of widely read, award-winning stories with the same titles as famous sf tales, starting with "Anda's Game" ("Ender's Game"):

https://www.salon.com/2004/11/15/andas_game/

And "I, Robot":

https://craphound.com/overclocked/Cory_Doctorow_-_Overclocked_-_I_Robot.html

"The Martian Chronicles":

https://escapepod.org/2019/10/03/escape-pod-700-martian-chronicles-part-1/

"True Names":

https://archive.org/details/TrueNames

"The Man Who Sold the Moon":

https://memex.craphound.com/2015/05/22/the-man-who-sold-the-moon/

and "The Brave Little Toaster":

https://archive.org/details/Cory_Doctorow_Podcast_212

Writing stories about other stories that you hate or love or just can't get out of your head is a very old and important literary tradition. As EL Doctorow (no relation) writes in his essay "Genesis," the Hebrews stole their Genesis story from the Babylonians, rewriting it to their specifications:

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/41520/creationists-by-e-l-doctorow/

As my "famous title" stories and Little Brother books show, this work needn't be confined to antiquity. Modern copyright may be draconian, but it contains exceptions ("fair use" in the US, "fair dealing" in many other places) that allow for this kind of creative reworking. One of the most important fair use cases concerns The Wind Done Gone, Alice Randall's 2001 retelling of Margaret Mitchell's Gone With the Wind from the perspective of the enslaved characters, which was judged to be fair use after Mitchell's heirs tried to censor the book:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suntrust_Bank_v._Houghton_Mifflin_Co.

In ruling for Randall, the Eleventh Circuit Court of Appeals emphasized that she had "fully employed those conscripted elements from Gone With the Wind to make war against it." Randall used several of Mitchell's most famous lines, "but vest[ed] them with a completely new significance":

https://law.justia.com/cases/federal/appellate-courts/F3/268/1257/608446/

The Wind Done Gone is an excellent book, and both its text and its legal controversy kept springing to mind as I read Sandra Newman's wonderful novel Julia, which retells 1984 from the perspective of Julia, she of the oily hands the novel-writing machine:

https://www.harpercollins.com/products/julia-sandra-newman?variant=41467936636962

Julia is the kind of fanfic that I love, in the tradition of both Wind Done gone and Rosenkrantz and Gildenstern Are Dead, in which a follow-on author takes on the original author's throwaway world-building with deadly seriousness, elucidating the weird implications and buried subtexts of all the stuff and people moving around in the wings and background of the original.

For Newman, the starting point here is Julia, an enigmatic lover who comes to Winston with all kinds of rebellious secrets – tradecraft for planning and executing dirty little assignations and acquiring black market goods. Julia embodies a common contradiction in the depiction of young women (she is some twenty years younger than Winston): on the one hand, she is a "native" of the world, while Winston is a late arrival, carrying around all his "oldthink" baggage that leaves him perennially baffled, terrified and angry; on the other hand, she's a naive "girl," who "doesn't much care for reading," and lacks the intellectual curiosity that propels Winston through the text.

This contradiction is the cleavage line that Newman drives her chisel into, fracturing Orwell's world in useful, fascinating, engrossing ways. For Winston, the world of 1984 is totalitarian: the Party knows all, controls all and misses nothing. To merely think a disloyal thought is to be doomed, because the omnipotent, omniscient, and omnicompetent Party will sense the thought and mark you for torture and "vaporization."

Orwell's readers experience all of 1984 through Winston's eyes and are encouraged to trust his assessment of his situation. But Newman brings in a second point of view, that of Julia, who is indeed far more worldly than Winston. But that's not because she's younger than him – it's because she's more provincial. Julia, we learn, grew up outside of the Home Counties, where the revolution was incomplete and where dissidents – like her parents – were sent into exile. Julia has experienced the periphery of the Party's power, the places where it is frayed and incomplete. For Julia, the Party may be ruthless and powerful, but it's hardly omnicompetent. Indeed, it's rather fumbling.

Which makes sense. After all, if we take Winston at his word and assume that every disloyal citizen of Oceania is arrested, tortured and murdered, where would that leave Oceania? Even Kim Jong Un can't murder everyone who hates him, or he'd get awfully lonely, and then awfully hungry.

Through Julia's eyes, we experience Oceania as a paranoid autocracy, corrupt and twitchy. We witness the obvious corollary of a culture of denunciation and arrest: the ruling Party of such an institution must be riddled with internecine struggle and backstabbing, to the point of paralyzed dysfunction. The Orwellian trick of switching from being at war with Eastasia to Eurasia and back again is actually driven by real military setbacks – not just faked battles designed to stir up patriotic fervor. The Party doesn't merely claim to be under assault from internal and external enemies – it actually is.

Julia is also perfectly positioned to uncover the vast blank spots in Winston's supposed intellectual curiosity, all the questions he doesn't ask – about her, about the Party, and about the world. I love this trope and used it myself, in Attack Surface, the third "Little Brother" book, which is told from the point of view of Marcus's frenemy Masha:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250757531/attacksurface

Through Julia, we come to understand the seemingly omniscient, omnipotent Party as fumbling sadists. The Thought Police are like MI5, an Island of Misfit Toys where the paranoid, the stupid, the vicious and the thuggish come together to ruin the lives of thousands, in such a chaotic and pointless manner that their victims find themselves spinning devastatingly clever explanations for their behavior:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/adamcurtis/entries/3662a707-0af9-3149-963f-47bea720b460

And, as with Nineteen Eighty-Four, Julia is a first-rate novel, expertly plotted, with fantastic, nail-biting suspense and many smart turns and clever phrases. Newman is doing Orwell, and, at times, outdoing him. In her hands, Orwell – like Winston – is revealed as a kind of overly credulous romantic who can't believe that anyone as obviously stupid and deranged as the state's representatives could be kicking his ass so very thoroughly.

This was, in many ways, the defining trauma and problem of Orwell's life, from his origin story, in which he is shot through the throat by a fascist: sniper during the Spanish Civil War:

https://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/soldiers/george-orwell-shot.html

To his final days, when he developed a foolish crush on a British state spy and tried to impress her by turning his erstwhile comrades in to her:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orwell%27s_list

Newman's feminist retelling of Orwell is as much about puncturing the myth of male competence as it is about revealing the inner life, agency, and personhood of swooning love-interests. As someone who loves Orwell – but not unconditionally – I was moved, impressed, and delighted by Julia.

Tor Books as just published two new, free LITTLE BROTHER stories: VIGILANT, about creepy surveillance in distance education; and SPILL, about oil pipelines and indigenous landback.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/09/28/novel-writing-machines/#fanfic

[steddiehyperfixation]

don't you forget about me (part three)

(part one)(part two)

Everyone’s left to “let him get some rest,” but Eddie doesn’t rest, not really. Although he does drift off the second he closes his eyes, his sleep is not restful and his dreams are plagued: 

Chrissy Cunningham stood in his trailer, small blonde girl in her cheerleader uniform. If Eddie hadn’t only just come out of his room with an unopened baggie of ketamine, he might’ve thought she’d already overdosed. Her eyes were rolled back, body frozen stiff like she was having some sort of seizure. Eddie shouted at her, shook her shoulders, waved his hands and snapped his fingers in front of her face, but Chrissy didn’t respond. He feared she might collapse, but then she did something much, much worse: she began to levitate. 

Eddie immediately let go of her shoulders and scrambled back as some invisible force slammed the girl into the ceiling. Her bones snapped; one at a time, her arms and legs twisted in unnatural angles. Her jaw unhinged and cracked out of place, her mouth now stuck in a horrible, soundless scream. Her eyes bled, dripping red down her cheeks, and then they exploded, popped with a sickening squelching sound, and her eyelids caved in to empty, bloody sockets.

Eddie wakes up screaming. His heart pounds frantically, the monitor beeping like crazy, and all his muscles are tense like he’s ready to run. 

Someone is at his side immediately; a gentle hand slips into his own, a soothing voice asks if he’s alright and tells him it’s okay, he’s safe now, it was just a nightmare. Eddie recognizes that hand, that voice, that shape in the dark. When did Harrington come back?

Eddie’s gasping, struggling to inhale a proper breath into his fear-frozen lungs. His wild eyes dart over the figure sitting beside him before landing on the hand that’s curled around his. Harrington must misread something in his expression then, because he mutters, “Sorry,” and starts to pull his hand away.

“No,” Eddie manages, instantly grabbing the other’s hand again and gripping it tight. “Keep- keep holding onto me.” 

“Always,” Harrington whispers, the word an exhale under his breath, so soft Eddie thinks he may have imagined it. 

Harrington rubs his thumb over the back of Eddie’s hand. His touch is calming, grounding. Eddie’s breath begins to even out and his heart returns to a normal pace as his residual panic slowly dissipates. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he sighs heavily once he’s recovered a bit. He presses his free hand to his chest. “That was the most terrifying dream I’ve ever had in my life.”

“It’s over now,” Harrington says, still soft, still tracing circles across Eddie’s skin. “Whatever it was, it can’t hurt you anymore.”

But it can, because Eddie can still see those horrible images behind his eyelids every time he blinks. He says so, shakily, “Think it's burned into my brain now, though. It was so real, man, I’m not sure I’ll ever get her disfigured face and mangled body out of my head.”

Harrington pauses. “Wait a second, did you dream about Chrissy?” 

“Yeah, how did you-?” Eddie starts to ask, then stops as he remembers what Harrington had said yesterday about Chrissy being murdered in his trailer. The realization sets in with a cold chill. He shakes his head in horror, tightening his hold on Harrington’s hand like it's a lifeline. “No. Oh no, please don't tell me that actually happened.” 

“It did. I’m sorry, it did.” Harrington clasps Eddie’s hand in both of his now. “That wasn’t just a nightmare, Ed, that was a memory. You’re starting to remember.” 

“Well, shit,” Eddie mutters. If that’s what his lost memories are like, he thinks he’d very much rather them stay forgotten. “I’m starting to see why my brain blocked it all out in the first place, then. Was the whole rest of the last 11 months that awful too?” 

“No…” Harrington frowns and that kicked puppy look flashes across his face, darkening the spark of hope that had just flickered in it before. “Well, maybe, I don’t know. I hope not.” 

“Great,” Eddie sighs, tired and sarcastic. He stares up at the ceiling where the gnarled ghost of Chrissy’s corpse still haunts his vision. “Can’t wait to remember more.” 

“I’m sorry,” Harrington says quietly. A heavy sadness runs thick in his voice again, same way he’d spoken when he first learned of Eddie’s amnesia. He squeezes Eddie’s hand once and then lets go. 

So much for always, Eddie thinks dimly. His hand feels cold now, naked and untethered without the solid pressure of Steve’s fingers curled around it. 

“You should try to go back to sleep,” Harrington tells him. The mattress shifts, the springs creak, as he rises from where he’d been perched at the edge of the bed. In the empty space he leaves behind, Eddie only feels even more untethered. 

A sharp rush of panic grips him at the thought of being left here alone in the dark with the twisting shadows and afterimages of his nightmare. “Wait, Steve,” Eddie calls out immediately, before Harrington can even begin to turn away from him. “Will you stay?” 

“Yeah.” Harrington nods, murmurs, “I’ll stay.” 

~

So Steve stays. He stays and he sits in the stiff chair by Eddie’s bed, and he spirals. Of course he spirals, in the silence, in the dark. He can’t seem to do anything else in Eddie’s presence lately but let his mind spin around in circles ‘til it breaks. 

Was the whole rest of the last 11 months that awful too? Eddie’s previous question is the catalyst of his spiral this time, the words that are currently echoing in the whirlpool of Steve’s consciousness, because he hadn’t thought of that before. He has already wallowed in the idea that he was something so unimportant he was easy to erase, but Steve hadn’t yet considered the possibility that he was something so horrible he needed to be erased. It makes sense, though, doesn’t it? The nurse did say Eddie’s amnesia was in part due to psychological trauma, and his memories do end just before he and Steve properly met. Was being with Steve so awful Eddie’s mind lumped it in with all the other recent traumas and just had to wipe it away? 

An ugly guilt twists beneath his skin, like a deep rot running black in his veins. Steve curls his hand into a fist in his lap, digs his fingernails into his palm as if the sharp bites of pain will help release what is dark and decayed inside of him. As if it will choke the voice in the hollow behind his heart that now tells him he deserved to lose Eddie’s love, or that maybe he never truly had it in the first place.

And, see, Steve knows he’s spiraling. He knows his brain has just tripped down some bullshit rabbit hole of self-deprecation and that really his despairing conclusions are not in any way rooted in reality. He knows Eddie loved him. He knows Eddie’s amnesia is not his own fault nor is it a reflection on him. He knows it’s got nothing to fucking do with him. Yet nonetheless, his mind continues to tumble downwards on a quest to prove the opposite. The rot still festers; the hollow still whispers.

“Hey, Steve?” Eddie’s soft-spoken words eventually cut through the quiet and shake Steve from his lamenting thoughts. 

He sits forward. “Yeah?” 

“I can’t sleep,” Eddie says. “Do you, uh- sorry, could you…maybe hold my hand again?” His voice is small like he’s asking for something embarrassing, and his hesitancy kind of breaks Steve’s heart. “Just until I fall back asleep. It just- it makes me feel safer.” 

“Yeah, of course.” Steve scoots his chair closer to the bed and gently takes hold of Eddie’s hand again. 

Eddie sighs, a heavy exhale of relief, his body beginning to relax almost immediately. He squeezes Steve’s hand. “Thanks,” he mumbles. 

“Anytime,” Steve whispers in response. Always, forever, anything; because I love you, want you, need you, miss you. He swallows down the emotion that rises in his chest. Another spiral threatens to drown his mind again and he fights that off too, tries not to think about everything that fucking hurts. 

He focuses on the familiar feeling of Eddie’s hand in his (it’s bittersweet; he’s not thinking about it), on watching the steady rise and fall of Eddie’s chest as he slips back into a more peaceful sleep (he wants to kiss his forehead, tuck him in like a child; he’s not thinking about it).

Steve leaves first thing in the morning. The second Wayne walks in and Eddie now has someone else there to watch over him, Steve tells the older man briefly about Eddie’s nightmare and then he’s out the door before Eddie even wakes up, and he doesn’t return that day. 

He can convince himself, illogically, that it’s better for Eddie if he stays away - that Steve’s spiral was right and he’d only make Eddie uncomfortable in the daylight; the less he’s around, the less the rot inside of him can poison Eddie too. But also it’s selfish. Mostly it’s selfish. Because as much as Steve craves to be near him, it hurts far more to be around him and not be seen, not be known, not be loved. The ache of missing him when they’re apart is so much easier to bear than the ache of missing him when he’s right in front of him.

Still, Steve does come back that night. He doesn’t want Eddie to be alone, and with Wayne working graveyard shifts and everyone else having parents to answer to, Steve is the only one left who’s both willing and able to sit with him through the night. He has a feeling, just a feeling, same as he’d had the night before, that Eddie might need him again. Well- maybe not him specifically, but just someone, anyone, to comfort him in the dark, and Steve can be that someone. And maybe that’s selfish too, because it feels good, eases the ache a bit, to be the one to help Eddie, to take care of him. If Steve cannot be loved then he will settle for being needed.

Good for them both, then, that Eddie does end up needing Steve that night. Eddie jolts awake from another nightmare memory - this one about being chased onto the lake by Jason Carver and watching another body float above the water and be crumpled and killed by Vecna - and Steve is there once more to hold his hand and soothe him back to sleep.

And then, again, Steve is gone the next morning, back the next night. Such is the pattern he’s fallen into, the selfish, stupid pattern: gone when he cannot feel loved, back when he can feel needed. 

Tonight is the worst nightmare yet. Steve can tell it’s bad even before Eddie wakes. The heart monitor begins to beep more rapidly, Eddie whimpers and twitches in his sleep. Steve grabs Eddie’s hand and tries to ease the nightmare before it worsens, though to no avail. 

Eddie doesn’t wake up screaming this time, but choking and crying, rasping through hyperventilating breaths fragmented nonsense about bats and pain and death. He doesn’t seem to be completely aware or lucid right now, still stuck in his nightmare where he’s dying and he’s scared, so scared. 

“Shh, Eddie, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Steve can’t stand to see him like this. Holding his hand isn’t enough. “C’mere,” he murmurs. “You’re alright.” He doesn’t even think, just climbs onto the bed with him and very very carefully, very very gently, sits them both up and pulls Eddie onto his chest, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close. “You’re alright,” Steve continues to whisper softly, lips brushing against Eddie’s hair. “Just breathe, baby, it’s okay.” (The pet name just slips out; neither of them notice.)

Eddie clutches Steve’s arms, leans back against his chest and tucks his face into the curve of Steve’s neck. He’s trembling, breath still rapid and panicked, not yet free of the waking dream he’s trapped in. “I died- I’m dead- I was dead,” Eddie keeps babbling in shaky, sobbing gasps. “It hurts- and I died. I don’t- I don’t wanna die- I don’t-” 

“You’re not dying, Eddie, you’re not. You’re okay,” Steve reassures him. “You’re alive.” He gently pries one of Eddie’s hands off his arm and guides it to the boy’s chest, covering his hand with his own as he presses it over Eddie’s heart to give proof to his words. “Do you feel that? You’re alive, you’re so alive.” 

Eddie sucks in a deep breath, lets out a tremulous exhale. “I’m alive,” he repeats, his voice wavering like he’s trying to convince himself of something he doesn’t quite believe. 

“Yeah,” Steve confirms, still holding his hand over Eddie’s slowly steadying heartbeat. “You’re alive.” 

Eddie repeats it again, a little more solidly this time. “Okay,” he breathes out. “Okay, I’m okay.” His hyperventilating has finally begun to ease, his tremors gradually dissipating. He seems to wake up a bit more now, settles back into reality. He rolls his face out of the crook of Steve’s neck and tilts his head up to rest it against his shoulder instead as he looks at him. “Steve,” Eddie says, not like a question or the beginning of a sentence, but more like he’s only just now becoming aware of who’s holding him. 

Steve gives a small hum of confirmation in response. He doesn’t know if Eddie is going to want him to move now, if the way they’re situated is uncomfortable for him or if Eddie is even okay with this situation at all. Steve can’t tell. He should’ve thought of that first. Holding his hand is one thing, but pulling Eddie half on top of him and holding him there is another thing entirely. And Eddie doesn’t know him anymore. Steve wouldn’t blame the guy if he freaked out at coming out of a panic attack to find himself in some strange man’s arms. 

But Eddie just closes his eyes, goes quiet and still for a few long moments, and so Steve stays where he is, assumes Eddie’s trying to go back to sleep. Steve will keep holding him until then. 

“Why are you always here at night?” Eddie asks suddenly, opening his eyes again. So he’s not trying to go back to sleep. 

The question catches Steve off guard, and not just because he hadn’t expected Eddie to speak again. “I, uh, I don’t want you to be alone- you know, with your nightmares.” 

“No, yeah, I know, and I-I’m grateful for that, but,” Eddie clarifies, “I meant, why are you always only here at night? I know you’re around during the day, dropping off one of the kids or Robin or whatever, you just don’t come in. Like- you’ll hold me through a nightmare, but you won’t actually hang out with me and just, like, eat shitty hospital food and watch shitty hospital TV with me. What’s up with that?” Eddie looks up at him. His tone is light enough, but there’s a genuine curiosity in his eyes, and a confusion that borders on hurt. “Thought we were supposed to be friends, Harrington.”

“We are,” Steve says immediately. “We are friends. I just- I didn’t want to force that on you or-or make you uncomfortable or awkward or anything. I know you don’t know me anymore.” 

“Well, you haven’t given me much of a chance to get to know you again,” Eddie states plainly, and that catches Steve off guard too. 

“I didn’t know you wanted to.” 

“Of course I want to,” Eddie mutters. “You’re a decent guy, Stevie. Not how I thought you’d be. Maybe I want you to keep surprising me.” 

The way one corner of his mouth quirks up then, popping a dimple in his cheek, makes Steve’s heart stutter, chest warm with a rush of affection. He can’t help but smile a little too. “Okay.” 

“Okay,” Eddie echoes, smirk stretching into a proper grin now. He taps his fingers where they rest on Steve’s arm. “You better hang out with me tomorrow.” 

“I will,” Steve agrees, because how can he say no to a smile like that? “Promise.” 

~

Satisfied, Eddie closes his eyes and settles back to try and fall asleep again. A lingering fear still runs like an undercurrent beneath his veins though, scared of sleep and dreading the possibility of another nightmare, another memory. He shifts, pulls Steve’s arms a little tighter around him. Eddie never seems to have bad dreams once Steve is holding onto him.

(part four) taglist: @romanticdestruction @daydreamsandcrashingwaves @paintsplatteredandimperfect @hallucinatedjosten @mugloversonly @estrellami-1 @alongcomesaspider @thatonebadideapanda @tell-me-a-secret-a-nice-one @dragonmama76 @wxrmland @nuggies4life @sirsnacksalot @myguiltyartpleasure @lolawonsstuff @marklee-blackmore @vinteraltus @sebastiansstanswhore @0happyeverafter0 @scarlet-malfoy @hotluncheddie @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @emsgoodthinkin @alyelf @warlordess @stevesbipanic @lil-gremlin-things @rockandrolodex @badcaseofcasey @bat-outta-hel @fandomcartographer @manda-panda-monium @littlewildflowerkitten @giopandaonice @mightbeasleep @queenie-ofthe-void @krazyperson @worldofshea @marvel-ous-m @tartarusknight @a-little-unsteddie @xenon-demon @goodolefashionedloverboi @xxsky-shockxx @mc-i-r @bookbinderbitch @aspenshade88 @slowandsteddie @thedragonsaunt @daydreaming-mood @space-invading-pigeon @irregular-child @a-lovely-craziness (i have hit my limit on amount of people i can tag in one post; taglist will be continued in replies. please lmk if you'd like to be removed from this list. no longer accepting any more additions atm!! also, thank you guys so much for all the support on this so far omg??? this is insane for me and i'm so glad y'all are enjoying my writing <3)

[vitaminseetarot]

Butterfly PAC: What Will Your Next Falling in Love Feel Like? 🦋💕

Some think love can be measured by the amount of butterflies in their tummy. Others think love can be measured in bunches of flowers, or by using the words 'for ever.' But love can only truly be measured by actions. It can be a small thing, such as peeling an orange for a person you love because you know they don't like doing it. Marian Keyes

Sup y'all and welcome back to my free PAC readings! Thank you so so much for your patience with this particular post. It's been a busy week and it'll only get busier! I haven't done many love readings in the past as my readings focused solely on the querent. I decided to keep it simple and focus on that (frankly addicting) feeling of falling in love for the first time with someone.

There are four butterflies to choose from today to show you how it will feel like for you the next time you fall in love. If you're already with someone, this can represent how it feels when your partner does something truly special for you, what the right signal feels like.

As always you can choose more than one.

Pile 1, Blue Morpho Pile 2, Orange Monarch Pile 3, Red Peacock Pile 4, Emerald Swallowtail Pile 5, Purple Emperor

Pile 1: Blue (Morpho)

XVIII Moon; Rest, Inspiration, Let it Be, 28. Blessed Sight; X Wheel of Fortune, 5 of Pentacles, XIII Death, XIV Temperance

I pulled your oracle cards before your tarot, and before I did I said "this must be my Pisces pile". Then BOOM I got the Moon card dead center. You may be drawn to this pile if you have a lot or important Pisces placements, but I think it also very well describes the general energy of this pile.

Your next falling in love will be like a dream, or something that came from your dreams. Your person may remind you of someone you once met in your dreams even. It will feel as though your crush will be as a glowing light in the dark that warms you as you move forward into the unknown. If you're with someone, they could be showing up in your dreams more and more--there could even be a case of you both receiving signals about each other.

You're comfortable with letting fate be the guiding hand in you you'll meet next and what your partner will be like. Notice how in two cards we see closed eyes? One is resting, while the other is still walking to where she wants to go. There is a certain faith about this pile, you feel in your heart that the one you're seeking is out there and that you will not need to put yourself in uncomfortable situations to find them.

With this, sometimes you may falter and feel disheartened when you feel other people meeting their match while you're still watching the clouds roll by in the shape of your dreams. Fate combines both luck and change. Don't be afraid to sit back and let the process unfold before you. It doesn't mean you can expect your dream crush to come knocking on your door (although they could!), you can put yourself out there and mingle. This is an internal sense, adopt the intuition of letting the little guiding lights connect together and guide you when they are ready to.

Pile 2: Orange (Monarch)

XII Hanged One; Abundance, Pause, Determination, 11. Inspiration; XI Justice, King of Cups, 3 of Swords, 10 of Wands

This pile has likely had relationships in the recent past which may not have worked out. Or there were some romantic prospects where things didn't line up right. It seems like you're working on bringing yourself back into alignment where you can focus more on your personal goals in life. While there's nothing wrong with that, this question is about what it will feel like the next time you're in love. And I have to remind those who need this message that it's okay to take the time you need to recover.

But when you're finally ready to emerge back into the dating world, or if you're planning to, you will need to do so with open arms. Not the same as naïveté. Not the same as being in the same situations or patterns that didn't work out before. But you will need to push aside negative feelings telling you it won't work out again before you can move further with other singles. If you're in a relationship it's likely that your partner wants to see your emotional qualities more, they want you to open up so they can do the same. They want to work side-by-side with you and help you.

You're a strong individual when it comes to reaching your goals. With that said, it's okay to let others, specifically your next partner, help you out in areas you normally excel in. It will help loosen the tension a lot and bring ease to your abundance mindset. Support is with you and you don't need to do it alone. Let your crush carry some of the extra bags for you and help you relax. And don't think that by doing this you're somehow limiting yourself from reaching your future goals. If anything, your crush will help you move ahead. Your crush will want to see you CRUSH it in the board room. You will feel 100% backed and protected by your next love.

Also I wanted to add that when I did the reading for this pile, a little moth landed on my door's window and stared at me upside down like the Hanged One! Not a butterfly, but close enough! Moths talk about what you're intuitively drawn to, but also confusion following paths (since artificial light messes with their navigation). Let moths be your animal sign for when you're soon to meet your next love. They will help to guide you towards the better light.

Pile 3: Red (Peacock)

7 of Wands; Mystery, Desire, Wisdom, 24. Heal Thyself; 3 of Pentacles, VI Lovers, Queen of Cups, 7 of Wands (x2)

Pile 3, I'm glad I chose the beautiful red Peacock butterfly for your reading because this pile is incredibly bold! You got 7 of wands twice. It doesn't seem as though you're scared to stand out of the crowd to attract your next crush. Similarly, you want the same in your partner. You may be looking for someone who's strong and assertive, and maybe loves to put on a good show for people (as we have Mars in Leo here).

You could be into punk, or darker music genres. Your next love will be fiery, but won't show all their cards. They leave just enough detail for you to want to know more, I think they'd like to egg you on or tease you (but not in a mean way). This person could be way more intelligent than they may let on initially. You'll feel challenged by them, in a refreshing way. They may invite you to debate or play something competitive with them.

I think there's one thing that must be greatly noted with this pile, and that's remembering to stop and take some time for yourself. It doesn't mean stepping out of the dating scene. There's a fine line to walk between meeting someone who's very attractive at face level and the love that comes from genuine compatibility. Lovers speaks about integrating these two parts as one instead of thinking it's one or the other.

You also need to make sure to prioritize your own needs as well rather than get caught up in the heat of passion. I don't think this pile struggles at all with passion, but some emotional discretion is advised here. There could have been people surrounding past relationships who weren't really supportive of who you were with. Whether or not they were in the "right", it's left you a bit defensive over who you choose to be with. Please remember to take time away from every influence to listen to your own inner voice.

Pile 4: Green (Emerald Swallowtail)

King of Pentacles; Stop, Pause, Goals, 23. Big Picture; 2 of Cups, XVII Star, XIV Temperance, 6 of Cup

Oh wow, pile 4. Stop and Pause side by side, and then we have Goals on the bottom. Stopping goals! Says who?! Not you, Emerald Swallowtail, with the King of Pentacles in front. You must be a very career or school driven group. Money savvy, ambitious, and unafraid to chart unknown territory. You'll definitely be a catch for the next person you fall for.

Except it doesn't seem like you're in the mood for the dating scene at all. Not in the fun and casual sense anyway. You want someone serious and committed, right off the bat. Someone who's fiscally responsible and likely as driven as you. You want someone who comes right in, sits down, and presents themselves as a good partner as though they're interviewing for a job hoping the star will stand out of the pack. Mainly, you want to know exactly what you're in for before sticky things like emotions even enter the picture.

This pile seems similar to my pile 2. Maybe somebody in the past told you that as soon as you marry or get serious with someone, it's gonna affect your career or your stability and that sacrifices will inevitably be made. That seeking any kind of relationship is like stepping over huge boulders hoping your ankle won't fall through between the cracks. The thing is, emotions are already involved in this. Your next love will make you feel stable and secure, knowing that you don't have to push too hard to get by.

Moreover, your next love will LOVE that you're career oriented. They will not be threatened by your achievements. They can help you bring balance between the adult side of you that's disciplined and focused and the little kid in you who wants to play and explore. Your next love will help you expand beyond what you thought was possible in a relationship. You'll be half of a real power couple who can tackle anything together with forces combined.

Pile 5: Purple (Emperor)

6 of Wands; Ideation, Open Heart, Hibernation, 2. Understanding; XII Hanged One, 10 of Cups, Page of Swords, 7 of Wands

Hi, lovely pile 5! Your next love will simply make you feel like you're actually radiating. Notice all the little diamonds on the 6 of wands as well as the Ideation card? Your next love will feel more rare than diamonds, it will have you shining like one. There is such warmth with this pile, it's like the sense of having a good looking musician with a great smile gently guide your hand up on stage to let you be part of the show. Even if you're the shy type to stand back, your crush will rave about you enough to have you blushing. They'll root for your success even when you'd rather be modest.

I get with this pile that you may be slow to open up with new people, and that you would prefer to take your time in meeting someone serious. You may be just starting to dip your feet in the dating scene, perhaps for the first time. You're realizing that it's one thing to imagine what it'd be like to go out and meet new people, but it's another to actually do it. But I don't see any reason to worry too much here. Even if you come off as shy, people can sense the glow of your aura. You have a quiet but unabashed confidence and may attract that in your next partner as well.

If there's one thing I can advise for you, pile 5, is to avoid being over critical about who you would rather be or NOT be with. I mean overcritical about the little things. Try to avoid saying things like "I can't be with someone who chews too loud" because you could meet the love of your life where that happens to be their one and only flaw. If you allow compassion to rule here, then it will return back to you ten fold.

Your next love feels so smooth and romantic, your next crush will want to woo you. They will really go out their way to impress you and while they can be comfortable inside the house on rainy days, likely there will be chances to travel and share new experiences abroad. They'll love being with you but will work to warm you up to the wonders of life. They will yearn for your happiness, pile 5, your bliss will be their success! When your heart tells you it's safe, allow yourself to wander into a new adventure with someone who lights up your world inside and out.

This reading has not been evaluated by the FDA to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any disease or infection. Please ask your physician before going online.

2023, @VitaminseeTarot ���

[c1oud999]

hi

i just wanted to come on here and talk about my experience with spirituality. warning: longggg post ahead.

basically ive been in the spiritual community for YEARS now. ive had existential crisis since the age of 11 and ive gone through many phases of many different spiritual trends. from law of attraction, to witchcraft, to religious devotion, to law of assumption and now finally non dualism. i read books, meditated for hours and hours, talked to spiritual ppl from all walks of life and watched all the episodes of ganga upanishad (a show i still highly recommend, you can watch on youtube). all this childhood trauma and mental illness made me crave for sweet relief. but nothing really made sense until law of assumption. i thought that that would be it yk. i thought i was done searching but i think that was when i was searching for things the most. i do know i have it in my 4d, when will i see it? i thought i would get all my desires but did not meet success. and then the non dualism trend began and i hopped onto it like pretty much everyone else. i was bewildered at the stuff teachers kept saying. what do you mean everything's an illusion? there's no way that's true. my very real surroundings are causing me VERY real pain and suffering. oh no no there must be a deeper meaning behind all this. and so i read all the books in 4dbarbies drive, but nothing clicked. yes it made sense intellectually, but i didnt want to believe it bc where is the materialisation satisfaction here? also i felt none of the euphoria that was supposed to come with self realisation. which means i must not be a realised being. and then i cried and cried and cried, isolated myself, literally stopped going to school and just lay in bed all day. but ofc, i continued to read the tumblr posts like i had been doing for the past several years. and yesterday i read 4dkelly's post about giving up. it made sense. by the time i had finished reading the post i had truly given up on everything. on wanting, hoping, fearing, striving etc etc. i was SO tired. so i gave up. fell asleep. i woke up really late as usual and missed the school bus. i ate breakfast in silence, switched the tv on and lied down on the couch like always. and like always out of compulsion and force of habit i reached for my phone and looked up non dualism on twitter. and then i came across a tweet that said a simple sentence only- "nothing is ever actually happening." woah. that kinda drove me to the edge of the cliff i desperately wanted to jump off. i turned on some dnb background music and turned the shower on. i stood under the boiling hot water like some dramatic bitch and started piecing together the "puzzle". it all made so much sense now. i got out of the shower and left the house for the first time in months with a cute outfit and makeup on and everything. i went to the mall, bought candles, stickers, eye masks, coffee, and a doughnut with absolutely no social anxiety at all. i sat by window, read some poetry on my e-reader, cried, peered down at the floor below me and cried some more at the sight of little kids sitting on santa's lap and taking pictures and marveled at all the christmas decorations around me. it was insane. i decided i was going to be neutral towards everything but im in love. maddeningly so. in love with this dream that i thought did not love me back. but love is all there is. I AM ALL THERE IS. and i need you to take this literally. there is nothing happening. there is nothing here except you. nothing to fear, nothing to desire. ik a lot of people are going to dismiss this post because it's not a "materialisation success story" but i honestly dont think i can ever want anything physically bc in all its true essence, what is there to materialise? i am already whole and complete. i am lying on this cold hard floor, but i have never felt warmer. also ik there may be a lot of things ive written you might not agree with but again, this is NOT REAL. I AM. i hope this post helps you.

thank you to all the blogs ive come across and all the pointers they have shared: @se1f @realisophie @itgomyway @4dkellysworld @4dbarbie-backup @infiniteko @iamthat-iam and many more i cannot thank enough.

lots and lots of love (more than you can ever imagine), and good luck.

[mrs-snape5984]

“I'll meet you on a day that never ends. I'll greet you in a way that heaven meant…”

“I hope you don't break my heart of stone. I don't wanna scream out loud and wake up on my own…” (“Idler’s Dream” by Oasis)

Considering, that I don’t see any way out of the misery, which my life has become since this cruel and inexorable disease ME/CFS has robbed me from being myself, I’ve started to commission some of my beloved artists of Snapedom with a special project of mine. I explained to them, that I’m slowly fading away from my life as well as from other people’s lives. It started two years ago, when this sickness got me into her relentless grip, forcing me to let go of the life, I’ve known before. Losing more and more of my abilities and strengths with each passing day, I’m finding myself in an unstoppable spiral of torments.

Nowadays, I’m not capable of leaving my room and most of the times even my bed anymore. Day in, day out I’m surrounded by darkness, silence and solitude. Participating in social activities, in milestones of my children or even in longer conversations with friends isn’t possible for me anymore. My presence has lost its meaning and purpose.

Whereas my phone didn’t stand still in the beginning of my disease, when friends and colleagues were worried about me…it’s getting more silent now. People are starting to forget about me…and yes, I can absolutely understand them. It must be frustrating to send messages or attempt to call me without getting a proper reply. My former boss told me some weeks ago, that people are feeling speechless about my situation, so it’s easier for them to forget about me…letting me become a faint memory in the back of their heads. This is exactly, what I meant, when I said, that I’m fading away…and it’s okay. I can’t be mad about it. I understand.

It’s also happening here on tumblr…and yet, here are still some kind people, who seem to notice my silence. I was astonished to hear, that my friend @capysnapeart, whom I commissioned for this beautiful artwork of Severus and my highly self-inserted OC Jules, searched me in a sweet post on their blog, after not hearing from me for several days. I was even more dumbfounded, when I realised, that other lovely people of Snapedom had also noticed my absence from my online life. This was very unexpected, but - indeed - touching and heartwarming to me. Thank you for not forgetting about me.

The project, which I’ve commissioned @capysnapeart and some other artists for, should show the different stages of the life, I’m expecting to have after my final breath, which doesn’t seem to be so far away anymore. I’ve set myself a limit…a certain point of no return, at which I won’t be able to accept and endure my pain and my suffering anymore. Well…let’s just leave it like that.

In my imagination, I will be able to choose, how my afterlife will look like. I will be with Severus, the character, I’ve been clinging on for the past 21 years, already. I imagine, that we will meet at the age of 11 years and from then on, we will spend the rest of our lives together...growing old together. It may sound strange and pathetic, but this is all, that I'm wishing for. I want to come home to him...

I asked Capy to draw Severus and Jules as a middle-aged couple…sitting on a bench in front of their little cottage at the sea. I’d love to see them being happy together…finally living the life, they’ve always wanted to live…the life, they’ve deserved to have! They’re cuddling on this wooden bench…feeling like home in themselves.

Capy, my dear friend, I’m beyond grateful for your understanding of my wish for this mesmerising artwork. You’ve managed to capture the peace and the silence of this scenery so perfectly, that it made me shed countless tears of longing. A longing for this fantasy to become true one day, when I will let go of my existence, eventually. Thank you for your talent, your kindness and your acceptance of my ideas. Feel hugged! 🫂🥹

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

The Secret Portal, Draft One

The people have spoken. Here's my school project I wrote when I was 10.

At fifteen pages, it was the longest in the class by far! (Our minimum requirement was two pages, which most barely reached)

I also got a 100% on it!

Instead of the regular taglist for TSP, tagging the people I tagged in the original poll -- @gracehosborn @illarian-rambling @mk-writes-stuff @elsie-writes @mysticstarlightduck @little-peril-stories @buffythevampirelover @willtheweaver @eccaiia @winterandwords @thepeculiarbird @televisionjester @finchwrites @theeccentricraven @awritingcaitlin @sleepywriter00 @dyrewrites @somethingclevermahogony @writeintrees @thebejeweledwatercat @theelfauthor @cadotoast @space-writes @sunset-a-story

Can't believe I have to put a warning on this, but--

CW: children are threatened with a firearm but don't worry no one gets hurt and they aren't even that scared; brief Harry Potter reference

Word count: 2.3k

Est. reading time: 7-11 minutes

The following is transcribed exactly as written, save for my use of multi-colored text, which I'm not gonna waste my time adding in.

****

~“Come on, Aurora!” I shouted to my friend, Aurora Flité, who wasn't moving from her seat at school. “Alexia, the bell hasn’t…” she started RRRIIINNNGGG!!! “Oh, wait! ‘The bell hasn’t rang yet’!” I joked. Aurora sighed, shook her head, and pushed herself up saying, “Ha, ha, ha!” “Bye Mrs. Kat!” we called. “Oh, wait Alexia,” Mrs. Kat, my teacher, called. “I found this.” She handed me my metal detector. “I found it on the floor. It said, ‘Redinés’ on it, so, I guessed it was yours.” “Thanks.” I said. “Bye, girls!” she called after us. We walk out of Little Rock Elementary. The beautiful blanket of May flowers stretched out all the way… to my house. <3 I sighed. Nothing was better than… “AAAHHH!!!” I whirled around. Aurora had disappeared! I moved the grass where she had been standing. A rock. A metal rock? I stood up, confused. I put my bag down, next to Aurora’s (which she probably dropped) and felt the rock with my hand. “AAAHHH!!!” I screamed.

EVERYTHING WENT BLACK

************

~I opened my eyes. Was I lying in snow? I forced myself up. Wait… it wasn't snow… it was… CLOUDS?!?!?!?! OK. I am dreaming. I thought.I pinched my self. OW! No, wasn't dreaming. “Aurora! Aurora!!! I called. NO ANSWER. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a house. I crossed my fingers and hoped this was the right house. I knocked on the door and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited… and soon, I started to walk away when an elderly woman opened the door. “Hello!” she said, cheerfully. “Hihaveyouseenagirlwithblackishbrownredhair?” I blurted out. “Herhairflowsuptoherwaist.” “Wha...OH! Yeah, I’ve seen her. She went that way.” the woman said, pointing to her right. I ===zoomed off! “Oh! And watch out for my pet, Bobby!” I thought Bobby was a very hyper puppy that could trample me but, I had to continue my search. I soon found her upside down tangled in vines. I charged towards her. “HEADS UP!” I warned. I pulled on the vines. “AAHH!” she screamed. “umph!” she said as she hit the ground. I brushed the hair out of my eyes, when suddenly… “RRRROOOOAAAARRRR!!!!” We both whirled around. A dragon!! “Run for it, Aurora!” I breathed. We charged towards the house and banged on the door. “LET US IN!!” we shouted. “DRAGON ALERT!” “Come in girls!” the woman said, cheerfully. “Oh, and you too, Bobby!” “BOBBY?!” Aurora said weakly, and fainted... RIGHT ON TOP OF ME.

****

Aurora woke up a few minutes later and found me in the living room. “Where am I?” “The lady’s, Lizzy’s, house.” “Oh, yeah right.” We heard a clatter in the kitchen. We figured it was Lizzy or Bobby, but when we walked in a boy about 16 years old, was standing there. “Hey, you must be Alexia and Aurora! I’m George.” When I shook his hand, he seemed strong, but he didn’t look strong. “Hi,” a voice said behind us. A 17-18ish years old girl was smiling at us. “I’m Carly.” Suddenly, we heard laughter in the other room. We ran towards the noise. We found them in Lizzy’s bedroom. Lizzy and her husband were on the bed. “Oh, Aurora and Alexia, right?” he said. “I’m Theodore Majg. But you can call me Ted.” Suddenly, we heard a knock at the door.” “I’ll get it.” Lizzy sang, as she ran to get the door. “Alexia! Aurora! Someone’s here to see you!” she called a minute later. For US? HERE?! We ran towards the door. A man was there. He wore a very big black hat that covered his face. He also wore a long, black cape. There was only one thing I knew: We didn’t know this guy. The man in black pulled out a gun. A GUN! “Show me the treasure or everyone DIES!” What treasure??? I thought Aurora was about to faint when she said, “OK. we don’t know who you are or what treasure, but if you tell us, we might be able to help.” I thought the man was probably FURIOUS. Instead, he said, “Well, it’s what you call… a metal detector.”

****

~I couldn’t move. He wanted something that was in my pocket! “Um… about that...uh…” the words sounded as fake as they were. “It’s in Lizzy room!” Aurora and I ran in the other room. “I need to hide this!” I yanked out the “treasure”. “Why does he want this?” Aurora asked me. “The portal. The portal brought us here. In Cloud City!” (I named it Cloud City since we were in the clouds.) “The portal is metal. I explained. “I think he wants to use the metal detector to find the portal, destroy it, and keep us from going back to Arkansas!” Aurora looked bewildered. Suddenly, she snatched the metal detector out of my hands and jumped off the bed. “We still havn’t found it!” she shouted. Then, she THREW open the dresser drawer JAMMED the metal detector in, and SLAMMED the drawer shut! “Uhhh!” she grunted as loud as she could. “We just CAN’T find it!” she groaned. Wow! My BFF is a WONDERFUL actor. We went back out into the living room. “I’m sorry, sir. But we can’t find it. You can come back another day.” I said. “TOMORROW!” he shouted. When he left, I felt like fainting myself.

****

~That night, I couldn��t sleep a wink. I closed my eyes, trying to go to sleep. My mind was only focused on the metal detector. I thought of a safe place for it, out of the house. Then… I drifted… away….

****

~When I woke up the next morning, I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that the metal detector was gone. I was about to say, “Aurora! Get up!” When suddenly… BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! I screamed. Aurora screamed. We both rolled off the couches, which was where we were sleeping. Oh, by the way, that was Ted’s alarm clock. “Aurora,” I said. “I think we should check the drawer for the You-Know-What.” “Why do we ne-” But I was already running into the room. She sighed, and ran after me. She found me digging though Lizzy’s drawer. “Not here.” I told her. “Oh no!” Aurora exclaimed. “He broke in!” “Check the back door.” I ordered. She ran to the back door. I zoomed to the front. “Locked!” Aurora called. “Same here!” I called back. “Girls!” Lizzy’s voice called come here!” Aurora and I ran towards her voice. We found her in the kitchen sitting down on a chair. “Sit there,” Lizzy pointed to 2 seats in front of her. “You’re 10, right?” We nodded. Uh-oh. I knew what was coming. “Your parents found out when they were your age. You 2--like your family, and every one in this house--have…” Oh my gosh!!! I gave Aurora the Don’t Even Think About Fainting! look. She nodded. “...magical...abilities.”

****

~I knew it. Aurora--thankfully--didn’t faint. Whew! “Like what?” Aurora asked. “Well,” Lizzy said. “I can see through walls.” Our mouths fell open. “For example,” Lizzy went on “Ted is naked and in the shower.” Aurora looked like she was about to puke. “What’s mine?” she asked. “Well,” Lizzy stated, “Yours Aurora, is… Oh! Yeah! You can read minds!” Aurora’s face lit up. “COOL!” Oh my gosh! This is freaky! I thought. “Alexia,” Aurora said looking at me. “You are thinking Oh my gosh. This is freaky! Correct?” I nodded. My mouth was still open. “What’s mine?” I asked, even though I knew what the answer probably was. “Alexia, yours is transportation. You can transport objects, people, and animals to different places.”

****

~Wow! I knew it. I looked at Aurora’s glasses, closed my eyes, and focused on the table POP! I opened my eyes, and looked at the table. The glasses were there. Aurora started to reach for her glasses. I grinned. POP! They were on her lap. POP! They were on my head. POP! They were on her face. “Not funny!” Aurora looked annoyed, but she was biting her lip trying not to laugh. She then turned to Lizzy. “How close do I have to be to read minds?” she asked. “15 yards.” Lizzy answered. “I thought Aurora was done with questions, but, oh no! “You said everyone in this house had abilities! What’s Ted’s? What’s George’s? What’s Carly’s?” Lizzy sighed. “Wel, Ted has super-hearing for a mile. George has super-strenght. And Carly can pick up a pencial with her mind, and write something she’s working on sketching with her mind.” After ALL of that, I REALLY thought Aurora would be done with questions (expecialy if she could read minds) but, she wasn't. “Cool! You also said our families have abilities. What’s Mom’s? What’s Dad’s? What’s Robert’s? What’s Marie-Sue’s? What’s Julian’s? What’s Mrs. Redinés’? What’s Mr. Redinés’? What’s Kelly’s?” Oh my gosh, HOW CAN 1 GIRL HAVE THAT MANY QUESTIONS!? But Lizzy didn’t seem to mind. “Your mom can make things appear out of thin air. Your dad can embarass enemies. Robert can make his voice super loud and it can be heard for 3 miles when he taps his chest. Marie Sue can talk to animals. Tamara has X-Ray vision. And Julian can turn into animals.” Lizzy then turned to me. “Your mom can turn invisible. Your dad has a photographic memory. A Kelly can get in a full conversation ½ klm away.” OMG!!! This was waaaaay to much for me to handle. I absoultely positivley wanted to faint. But then it hit me. The metal detector was gone because of me! I didn’t even know where it was! Ding-Dong! Oh no! The man in black was here!! Wait! I can transport things! My mind focused on the metal detector. POP! The metal detector was safe. For now, at least. I ran towards the door. “Lizzy,” I whispered. “Do you know him?” I pointed to the door. “Take off his hat, Alexia.” I focused on his hat. POP! The hat was next to Ted (who had came out of the shower.) “How did this…” I gave him the Cut It Out! look. He nodded. “Now?” I asked Lizzy. She pushed her curly, gray hair out of her eyes and said, “Yes. He is an evil sorcerer named Warlock LV.” All of a sudden, I remembered Lizzy’s own words: “You can transport objects, people, and animals.” People. I can transport people. BAM! BAM! BAM! My mind focused on Warlock LV. POP! He was 0.6 klm away from us. “I heard a splash.” Ted said suddenly. “He’s at the pool.” I looked at him in surprise. But then I remembered that he could hear a mile away, and 0.6 klm is a mile. I ran into the living room. About a minute later, I had Lizzy, Ted, Aurora, George, and Carly living room with me. (I’d transported them) “I have a plan.” I said.

****

I tied my hair in braids to keep the hair--brown-mess off my shoulder. I made sure my scarlett dress was straight. I fumbled with my glasses. Even though it was my plan, I was REALLY nervous. Aurora and Ted were at the front of the house, waiting to hear him. (“Him” is Warlock LV.) Finally, “I hear him!” Ted called out. That was Carly’s cue. She made out 15-yard mark by picking up a chalk with her mind, drew a line and wrote: Don’t cross this line! Or else! And that’s exactly what we meant.

****

“I know what he’s thinking!” Aurora blurted out a few minutes later. “He’s thinking: ‘Don’t Cross This LINE! Or else! Ha! Stupid kids!’.” Wow. “Lizzy!” I called. “Remember the alarm!” A few minutes later, we heard… ERRRH! That meant Lizzy saw Warlock LV, and that was also George’s cue. He literally busted down the door, ran down the block, and threw Warlock LV up! This was my chance. My mind focused on him and I transported him far away. (I don’t even know where!) “We did it!” we shouted. Then Aurora tapped me on the shoulder. “Alexia, where is the metal detector?” I smiled. “Come on!” I walked into the kitchen, and pointed to the cookie jar on top of the refridgerator. I looked at Aurora. Her mouth was hanging open. I smiled, transported the metal detector down, and walked to the door. “Bye,” we called. “Bye, bye!” they called back. When Aurora and I stepped outside, we heard a roar. “Bye, Bobby!” we waved and it seemed like he waved back.

****

“I found it!” We had just reached the portal. I had been using the metal detector to find it. “I’ll go first.” Aurora said. She took a deep breath, stepped in, and disappeared. I looked around 1 last time. I told myself I can come back anytime. I sighed, closed my eyes, took one step, and fell back to Earth…

****

FLOP! I was back on Earth. I looked up., Aurora was standing there. I forced myself up, and looked at the school, 3:00PM?! But… I looked at the date on my watch, May 15, 2013!? No time had passed since we left. “Let’s… go...home.” I said.

****

I was exhausted! “Hi, Alexia!” my little sister, Kelly, said. She looked happy to see me. Something clicked. Kelly’s best friend, Nellie, had powers too. Nellie once looked like she was floating. I ran to the phone and saw my mom disappear into thin air. And then, my dad started to recite the entire 1st chapter of the 7th Harry Potter book, word for word! I grabbed the phone, dialed Aurora’s numbered and told her to bring Julian and Tamara.

****

On the way to the school, while Julian, Kelly, and Nellie were ahead of us, Tamara, Aurora, and I were talking about our powers. Tamara, Aurora, and I all agreed that Nellie’s magical ability was floating. All of a sudden… “AAAHHH!!!” We looked up. Julian and Nellie were looking down at the portal. “Wait for us, Kelly!” they shouted and jumped after her…………

And

I

knew

exactly

what

was

about

to

happen.

[mybeautifulchristianjourney]

The Crisis for Saul

1-2 But Saul, still breathing murderous threats against the disciples of the Lord, went to the High Priest and begged him for letters to the synagogues in Damascus, so that if he should find there any followers of the Way, whether men or women, he could bring them back to Jerusalem as prisoners.

3-4 But on his journey, as he neared Damascus, a light from Heaven suddenly blazed around him, and he fell to the ground. Then he heard a voice speaking to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?”

5 “Who are you, Lord?” he asked.

6 “I am Jesus whom you are persecuting,” was the reply. “But now stand up and go into the city and there you will be told what you must do.”

7-9 His companions on the journey stood there speechless, for they had heard the voice but could see no one. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing. So they took him by the hand and led him into Damascus. There he remained sightless for three days, and during that time he had nothing either to eat or drink.

God’s preparation for the converted Saul

10 Now in Damascus there was a disciple by the name of Ananias. The Lord spoke to this man in a dream. calling him by his name. “I am here, Lord,” he replied.

11-12 Then the Lord said to him, “Get up and go down to the street called Straight, and enquire at the house of Judas for a man named Saul from Tarsus. At this moment he is praying and he sees in his mind’s eye a man by the name of Ananias coming into the house, and placing his hands upon him to restore his sight.”

13-14 But Ananias replied, “Lord, I have heard on all hands about this man and how much harm he has done to your holy people in Jerusalem! Why even now he holds powers from the chief priests to arrest all who call upon your name.”

15-16 But the Lord said to him, “Go on your way, for this man is my chosen instrument to bear my name before the Gentiles and their kings, as well as to the sons of Israel. Indeed, I myself will show him what he must suffer for the sake of my name.”

17 Then Ananias set out and went to the house, and there he laid his hands upon Saul, and said, “Saul, brother, the Lord has sent me—Jesus who appeared to you on your journey here—so that you may recover your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.”

18-19a Immediately something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again. He got to his feet and was baptised. Then he took some food and regained his strength.

Saul’s conversion astounds the disciples

19b-21 Saul stayed with the disciples in Damascus for some time. Without delay he proclaimed Jesus in the synagogues declaring that he is the Son of God. All his hearers were staggered and kept saying, “Isn’t this the man who so bitterly persecuted those who called on the name in Jerusalem, and came down here with the sole object of taking back all such people as prisoners before the chief priests?” — Acts 9:1-21b | J.B. Phillips New Testament (PHILLIPS) The New Testament in Modern English by J.B Phillips copyright © 1960, 1972 J. B. Phillips. Cross References: Genesis 14:15; 1 Samuel 16:3; Psalm 27:12; Isaiah 6:8; Daniel 10:7; Mark 5:23; Luke 1:41; Luke 1:67; John 12:29; John 15:21; Acts 7:59; Acts 8:3; Acts 9:27; Acts 10:3; Acts 10:14; Acts 10:17; Acts 11:25; Acts 13:2; Acts 14:22; Acts 20:23; Acts 22:11; Acts 22:13; 2 Corinthians 11:32; Galatians 1:17

Read full chapter

From Persecutor Saul To Apostle Paul

[bbnibini]

This is probably just me starved for Solomon content, but I kept on wondering if the reason for Solomon's absence in the main story is intentional? In lesson 18 normal side story, Barbatos questions why Solomon suggested MC to go to the House of Lamentation when it's pretty obvious he's not taking their absence so well, and he said, it's the "mature thing" to do, causing the demon who is supposed to hate his guts to even worry about him.

In Lesson 11, we don't even have a choice to listen to him or side with him. MC was just given the option to give the book to Lucifer. In the later lessons, you don't get any options to decline the brothers when "it's about time to go back to Cocytus Hall".

The daily chats in NB have at least an explanation for this since you live together with him, but in the OG, he texts you the least amongst the other dateable characters. Which kinda contradicts what is explained on the daily chats in the first place because if you are away in Cocytus Hall for long periods of time because the brothers insist for you to stay with them longer, wouldn't that give him a reason to text you more?

I'm starting to think that Solomon is intentionally keeping his distance after all that happened in the main story. He loves you with all his heart, and trusts you enough to share a bit of his past with you, but after the past lessons, he may be at the stage where he's trying to...go back to his old self again. Where he doesn't rely on anyone as much. Where he can be depended on and be your most trusted ally and your dearest friend, but he must, at all circumstances, not show a portion of his heart again, no matter how much he loves the other person. That isn't to say he wouldn't reciprocate the same way, but he can only take what is given and should NOT expect anything more.

Because he's been proven right and right again when he finds out the hard way that people would only accept the "him" that would fit their narrative. That he was born unlike any other, so he must walk his path alone, even if it seems like the small intersection he found with you was the solace he needed to colour his jadedness. But that's all there is to it. You are just a small intersection. A short-lived dream containing his ideals and expectations. You would always be your own person, and he would rather have that because he loves you and he wants you to be happy.

Because you had a choice. And he knew you would never choose him. So he must silence the small part of himself that told him "He will never be alone again."

[bouquetface]

11/29/2006, kuala lumpur, malaysia, 8:55 pm.

current location: gopeng, perak, malaysia

bio: i grew up in a rough time and had to basically live by teaching myself things. i have mommy issues and mixed feelings towards my older brother. people have said i'm charming, silly, happy-go-lucky, but also self-centered, in my own world, inconsistent, unreliable in outings. i was very depressed and had umm mental issues i can't even identify properly, but after entering pre-university i felt that i improved a lot better.

i'm not sure what i'd like to ask, but i want to know something regarding my academic performance. i've consistently disappointed myself and sabotaged my own grades due to my impulsive decisions and it cost me heavily. now that i'm getting my degree i want to make sure it doesn't happen again, but idk what the stars will say. so i'd like to ask — based on my chart, how do i learn to find a healthier version of myself in order to achieve my dreams?

Hello, sorry for the late response I had some unexpected life stuff happen.

You have a strong scorpio 6th house. You could be attracted to careers involving investigating/research and analysis. Careers in service to helping others are likely too. EX: Law, Medical, Psych fields. Your pisces moon suggests you will be creative in your career. You could even do well in marking or consulting. You are likely to be good at any field because pisces moon in 10th for gemini asc is a very good placement.

Saturn and ketu are in your 3rd. Your 11th H ruler which deals with older siblings is in 6th H too. This can indicate a difficult relationship with siblings especially older.

Your spouse is likely to be well educated. An older person too. They can be tall physcially. They can have a dry sense of humour. They can be very knowledgable - you could adapt their beliefs such as political, religious, etc.

You may encounter romantic connections with controlling and critical people. You must be careful to not confuse those types with your spouse.

You have a Saturn/Rahu dasha period coming up in October. This period will last until 2027. Like all periods of life there are a mix of good and bad. Your natal Rahu is in 9th house, this shows focus on higher education and spiritual/religious beliefs. This period will require hard working and consistency to get through but you will get through it. At times you will feel your faith is being tested, you can struggle with feeling lonely. This is a good time to make sure you keep a strong support system in your life. Be kinder to yourself during this period but don't let yourself become lazy or inconsistent.

Rahu in 9th does bring interrupted studies but from what you described it seems you have already experienced it. If you keep a strong focus, you should achieve your goals.

By March 2030 (age 23), you will leave your Saturn mahadasha period. This is good news as many find that the Saturn period is very difficult. Since the age of 4-20, you have been in a Saturn mahadasha. This can bring delays in career, romance, and life in general. It can test your faith and be a karmic period. Luckily, you have gotten it over with by the time you are 23. After 23, you can slowly begin to reap the benefits of your hard labour.

2027 September to 2032 (ages 20-23), you are likely to begin to have an easier time. You can meet new friends & someone to be with for the long tern. I don't want to get hopes up or scare you so please understand I'm not a pro and you have free will to do as you please with your life.

Aug 2033 - Jun 2036 (ages 26-29) are also very likely to be good especially in regard to romance as this is a Mercury/Venus period. Many get married during their venus period, however once again I don't want to get your hopes up. This is not always the situation for everyone. However, generally it will be blissful.

[callsign-joyride]

Summer of Smut

My classes have (almost) officially wrapped up and in honor of the school year being done and my seasonal depression taking a back seat, I figured that there's no better way to celebrate than to write smut! So, from May 1st, 2023 to August 15, 2023, I will be accepting requests following the guidelines below:

Pick a character - Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw - Jake "Hangman" Seresin - Javy "Coyote" Machado - Robert "Bob" Floyd - Rhett Abbott - Javier Peña - Warren Rojas

2. Pick a prompt

“How about you put these lips to work instead of just talking all the time?”

“Will you stop talking, or do I have to make you shut up?”

“Don’t hide from me. Let me see you!"

“I need to feel you… Now!”

“I had a dream about you last night. Woke up hard/wet. Wanna hear about it?”

“Are you gonna be a good girl/boy for me?"

“Now, now, don’t play shy now. Let me hear you!”

“You taste like heaven, and I can’t get enough.”

“Stop wiggling around, I’m trying to sleep! Wait… what’s tha… oh!”

“Fuck… just… right there! That feels so good!”

“Feel what you’re doing to me? That’s all because of you.”

“Take off your clothes. Slowly. I want to watch you.”

“I know you said no marks… But what if I put them where nobody except for me will see them?”

“We have to be quiet. If you make a sound, I’ll have to stop.”

“You tell me to stop teasing you, yet you moan all the time.”

“When I tell you to sit on my face, I want you to sit, is that clear?”

“Oh no, don’t stop on my account. I’m really enjoying the view.”

"I'll take care of you."

"Kiss me."

"Tell me what to do."

Event Masterlist

Credit to @seidenbros and @sxcret-garden for the prompts.

You must be 18 years of age or older to participate.

Tagging a few people who might be interested:

@cycbaby @luckyladycreator2 @idontcare-11 @blue-aconite @maverick-wingman @rosiahills22 @katieshook02 @mak-32 @bradshawseresinbabe @roosterforme @roosterbruiser

[moonmoonthecrabking]

i think a bit of a loss from a deleted scene in the first hunger games film is in the tribute interviews where marvel says to caesar "if you apply yourself and you focus then all your dreams can come true". like that boy was really on the alpha male grindset culture and it's a shame that wasn't included because it's real. because, especially 11 years down the track, it is a valid critique of hustle culture. marvel was from district 1, he had privileges that kids from the outlying districts didn't have. so when he says "just apply yourself", it won't just happen in that way for the people he's talking to across panem, because even their dreams of surviving the day may not come true, no matter how hard they work. that said, he's still perpetuating this ideal when he's under the oppressive thumb of the capitol. not only is he a district pleb, but his entire life has been in service of being a sacrifice for the capitol's entertainment. sure, he could win, but he's seen the games. he's seen the victors. he would know, even if it's just on the smallest and most hidden level, that a victor's riches pale in comparison to the trauma they must cope with for the rest of their life. even in this interview, where he's playing up that 'he always dreamed of killing people', even if he won his games, the ideal of being treated as an equal, or simply seen as human, cannot come true, no matter how much he focusses on that goal. sure he says he's always wanted to volunteer for these games (which may be true in part, but he's almost definitely putting on an act for the camera. most of the tributes probably are. we talk about the physical training careers must have gone through but in katniss' narration it's made clear that the hunger games is a reality show, first and foremost), but even if you take that at face value, even if you go "this kid just really liked torturing other kids", there's no guarantee of winning. just a promise that you'll come back in a box or riddled with mental scars. he could work as hard as he wanted to, try as hard as he could, but there are so many variables that would block him from winning. i don't know if he would know this or not; the careers are all children, some arrogant, some fearful, many both. but he spreads this rhetoric, as though it were true, as though it were true for him, just like "alpha male" commentators do today, just like mlm promoters. he very partially benefits from this system, yes, but it costs his life. and not just from the moment he entered the arena. people today say "get up your ass and work" or "it's not that hard, Just Do It" or "elongated muskrat did it, so i'll be able to too", ignorant of or unwilling to mention the privilege of those who succeeded, not discussing those who applied themselves and focussed and came up short because the odds weren't in their favour.

[lythea-creation]

Broken Toys - Johanna Mason x fem reader (Chapter 15)

Chapter 1

Previous Chapter

word count: 2.393

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When Mary pulled me into a tight embrace, I froze.

Was it real?

I had dreamed a lot lately, happy dreams instead of nightmares. Somehow, I dreaded those dreams even more. When I woke up, I always felt like I had lost something important. And then remembered that my nightmares still existed, although they had turned to reality. It felt like my own mind was mocking me.

Therefore it was hard for me to distinguish between dreams and reality. Nothing was too absurd or cruel to happen anymore. And at the same time, happy occurrings seemed simply too good to be true.

It had taken a few days before my family had gotten the allowance to visit me. But now Mary and Livia were here, visiting me in the infirmary of district 13.

Mary cried while holding me.

I had shut my tears away. Otherwise I would never be able to stop them again. I could not allow me to break down now. Instead I needed to concentrate on getting Johanna back and supporting the rebellion.

But President Coin had fended off all my attempts to persuade her to rescue the captives. Slowly but surely I started losing trust in her. I would always be grateful that she had saved my family from 11, but that did not mean I would follow her blindly.

Mary told me about their time in district 13. Although the rules were strict, no one was starving and there were no harsh punishments. It was easy to improve the situation for people who had lived in misery before.

“I wish I could have supported you. You must have felt so lonely”, she stated sadly.

I thought back to the last year. Thought about the day I had started leading the rebellion in district 11.

About my sleepless nights that had been filled with nightmares, fear and grief. About the comforting phone calls with Johanna. She had not even said anything special. Just hearing her voice had made me feel better.

Why had I not realized sooner, how important she really was to me?

Back then when our phone calls had stopped due to Snow, I had worked harder for the rebellion. Tried to blend everything else out. Tried to blend myself out, like I was doing right now. I was working against myself, losing myself, to save myself.

It did not make any sense and yet it appeared to be the only option for me right now.

“The fact that you all were safe was more comforting than anything you could have done for me”, I ensured her with an exhausted smile.

Pain, numbness and exhaustion was everything I felt. Kind of contradicting. You should think that numbness could not come with any other emotions, yet it did.

“(f/n), you've done so much already. Maybe you should rest properly”, Mary advised me.

Tomorrow my schedule would start; my training, preparation for the war.

“I can't afford to rest. Everyone's fighting to change Panem.”

“You have to think about yourself, (f/n). There are a lot of people willing to fight. You're finally safe now. Don't jump into risking your life again and again.”

Her words showed her concern about me, her love for me. I was aware of that, but she did not know how it was.

What it meant to be a victor, a survivor of the Hunger Games. As a victor safety simply did not exist. You could never turn back. You had a responsibility for the lives you had taken. And Snow did not neglect his victors either.

But if I said that to Mary, it would just hurt her more. She wanted me to be safe and happy.

So I took another direction. “What about the people of the districts? Where is their safety? Where is their choice? Mary, I'm not one of the Capitol's citizens who leans back and watches. I'm a citizen of district 11. I haven't forgotten my life before becoming a victor. If I don't fight now it only shows that the Capitol controls me. I may be the Capitol's pawn, but I won't play after Snow's rules, although I have to get Johanna out of there. And Annie and Peeta.”

Mary was crying. “You've grown too fast. That only highlights how much you endured.”

I pulled her into a hug. “It's alright. I'll fight for a life where we can all live safely.”

As I had promised to Rue.

The next day I got my schedule printed onto my arm. Weird, but I should not be one to judge.

My first appointment was breakfast. But I could not help myself and skipped it to go to President Coin.

I knocked at her door. “President Coin? It's (f/n).”

“Come in.”

My request to rescue the captives had only gotten passed on by her assistants. Maybe I could persuade her personally.

To my surprise, she was alone in her office. “Hello, (f/n). Seems like you recovered well”, she greeted me.

Something about her had unsettled me at our first meeting, but I had been too upset to notice what it had been. Now I knew. I could not read her.

Over the years I had observed the people around me. I had needed to do it to survive, both in district 11 and in the arena. Hence, I had gotten excellent at reading and predicting other people. But Coin did not show any emotions, neither through her voice nor her body language.

“Though you already deviated from your schedule”, she added.

I did not like her change of topic. “I did not mean to be rude or ungrateful, but I had to come here. Please, you have to rescue the captives. I ...”

She raised her hand, signaling me to stop talking. “Don't get me wrong. If I could, I would rescue them right away. But it's not that simple. We don't know enough about their situation. We might lose many soldiers and still not be able to save them. The risks and probability of failure are too high. Furthermore, Heavensbee can't contact his allies at the Capitol. So we don't even know where the captives are held”, she resonated.

I clenched my hands into fists, feeling my fingers getting wet again. Although I was already wearing a bandage around my hand, I still managed to reopen the cut on my palm whenever I was suppressing my emotions. It had not been able to heal until now.

“If you hurry, you can still eat breakfast. You have a tough schedule today”, she reminded me.

I could not care less. What was a tough schedule even supposed to mean? Could it get any harder than it was?

Before I could do something I would regret later, I left the room and went to the canteen. It was strange to be here. I knew literally no one, except Katniss, Haymitch, Finnick and my family.

Finnick was inside his hospital room, devastated because of Annie. I was also worried about her, but rather due to her mental state. They would not harm her too badly.

Johanna and Peeta would have it way worse.

I could not spot Katniss anywhere either.

Haymitch was somewhere underground, having to become sober.

My family had another breakfast time than me.

So I was on my own.

Reluctantly I gulped down my breakfast and followed my schedule.

The first few hours were strategize sessions. Like a mentor needed to be taught in strategizing. If I did not know how to strategize with my skills, how would I still be alive after two Hunger Games? Ridiculous!

I was able to answer every question without even listening, impressing the other students and the instructor. It did not matter. It was a waste of time. I should rather learn something useful! I lacked physical, fighting skills.

In the break I hurried through the hallway and met Heavensbee. At least my luck had not left me completely, although it seemed wrong to say that in the context of meeting the gamemaster of my own games.

“Heavensbee! Could you help me out, please?”

He smiled at me. Strange, but I had the feeling that I could trust him. Never mind.

“(f/n), what is it?”

“I need a new schedule. More physical training and less strategizing. As a mentor I already know all that.”

He nodded understandingly. “I will see what I can do”, he promised and continued his way.

For the rest of the day, I had stamina and strength training. It was exhausting, but nothing compared to the arena, where I had jumped from tree to tree for hours while fighting of stubborn attacks of the Capitol, or running away from other tributes, or peacekeepers in 11.

“For all of you who aim for the top and still have some energy and willpower left, you can stay here for combat training”, our female instructor Zianne declared.

“What do we need combat for if we have our guns?”, a man about my age wondered.

I sighed in annoyance. What had happened to me? My patience level had dropped significantly since Johanna had been captured by the Capitol. The lack of sleep did not exactly help.

Zianne eyed me sharply. I knew that my reaction had not been fair. “Cadet! What's your name?”

Seriously? Cadet? She could have at least called me soldier.

“You don't know?”, I thought aloud. That was something I was not used to anymore at all.

“No. Why should I? Do you think you're special and can degrade your comrades? Do you think you're better than everyone else? If that's the case, you will be up against me. Right now!”

The other people of my group had formed a circle around Zianne and me now. Of course, no one had left. They were curious.

Zianne was standing in front of me in a fighting stance.

“I don't think that I'm better than the others and I'm sorry for behaving inappropriately.”

“Save your apology for later. You can't back out now”, she simply replied.

How was I supposed to fight her? She was a skilled and trained instructor, while I had never fought like this before, just with Johanna and Finnick. But it had not been serious. My movements had been random.

Suddenly Zianne started attacking me instead of waiting for me to make the first move.

I dodged just in time. Actually I managed to dodge all her attacks.

After a while I had gotten used to her movements and was even able to land a punch, although she parried it. This went on for a few minutes.

I managed to land some punches, but at some point she managed to kick my leg which was still hurting from the burn wounds that were not completely healed yet.

I hissed in pain and my vision got blurry.

Out of habit my first instinct was to escape, but the other soldiers were blocking the escape route. So I had no other option than to keep fighting, although I was in the defense now.

I was used to moving despite pain, but my leg did not move like I wanted it too. Hence, I was able to dodge, but not to attack. My speed had decreased.

“That's enough!”, Zianne proclaimed.

Relief flooded me. But after all my experiences I still did not let my guard down.

“Surprisingly well done. Now tell me more about you. There has to be a story behind your skills”, Zianne encouraged me.

“I would not consider them skills. That was my first real fight”, I admitted.

“No way”, Zianne exclaimed.

“I'm (f/n) (l/n). Leader of the riots in district 11, victor of the 72nd Hunger Games and apparently survivor of the 75th”, I introduced myself, hearing gasps among the soldiers.

“I see. We usually don't watch the games here in 13”, Zianne explained. “But now I think I understand. Are you still injured, except your hand?”

I nodded. “Healing burn wounds on mainly my lower body, but that won't stop me. Could we continue the training, please? I have a lot to learn and not much time. I can't afford to slack off.”

Zianne grinned at me and turned her attention back to the others. “Take her as an example! That's the spirit! No matter how good you are, there is always room to grow!”

We trained for another hour, before Zianne called it a day.

“You don't belong here”, she talked to me privately.

“I know that my fighting skills suck. That's why I'm training”, I clarified.

“No, that's not what I meant. You're still injured and performed better than everyone else. You're too good for this group. You have experience and a strong will”, she complimented me.

“Thanks, but it's not enough.”

“What do you think about some private sessions? I could show you how to handle a gun. If you want to train it with the others, you will have to wait until next week”, she offered.

“You would do that? That'd be great!”

She gestured me to sit down on the ground with her. “First, tell me more about yourself. What are you good at?”

It reminded me of my first time in the train on the way to my first Hunger Games. Evaluating my strengths and weaknesses.

“I'm good at climbing, hiding and moving silently. Oh, and observing others. That's how I managed to land some hits on you. I analyzed your movements while dodging.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Impressive. I think I can work with that. Ever heard of snipers?”

“No”, I admitted.

“These people are hiding at a place a good distance away from the target. They watch their target and shoot in the right moment, giving no reaction time. When a good sniper wants to kill, they will kill. The target has no chance.”

“Sounds intimidating.”

“Yes. It's not easy to kill, especially for the first time. But you survived two Hunger Games. I guess you'll be fine.”

The description of a sniper actually fitted me. Hiding and watching, before ending it with one shot.

I agreed.

“Then, let's see what you've got!”, Zianne exclaimed excited.

---------------

Next Chapter

[thetorturedpoetheadquarters]

Fortnight Title Analysis

Definition: a period of 14 days, two weeks In astronomy, a lunar fortnight is half a synodic month, which is equal to the period between a full moon and a new moon

Similar Lyrics:

"We met a few weeks ago, now you try on calling me ‘baby’ like trying on clothes" - King of My Heart

"One night, a few moons ago, I saw flecks of what could have been lights" - Snow on The Beach (ft. Lana Del Rey)

"I counted days, I counted miles, to see you there" - Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince

Shakespeare mentioned the word fortnight a handful of times throughout multiple works. These works include:

Coriolanus

Henry IV Part 1

Henry IV Part 2

King Edward III

King Lear

The Merchant of Venice

The Merry Wives of Windsor

A Midsummer Night's Dream

Richard III

Romeo and Juliet

Here are the plays (and excerpts) I feel like are the most important when discussing Taylor and THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT.

Coriolanus:

Synopsis: "As Coriolanus begins, two Roman patricians, Menenius and Martius, calm a revolt by the city’s famished plebians. Martius, who despises the plebians, announces that their petition to be represented by tribunes has been granted. When Volscian invaders attack Roman territories, Martius helps lead the Roman forces, and almost single-handedly conquers the Volscian city of Corioles, winning the name “Coriolanus.” The Volscian leader, Aufidius, swears revenge. Victorious in battle, Coriolanus expects to be made a consul, but by custom he must ask for votes from the plebians. He does this so contemptuously that he is rejected as a consul. The tribunes later charge Coriolanus with treason and banish him from Rome. He seeks his former enemy, Aufidius. Coriolanus and Aufidius join forces to conquer Rome. On the brink of success, Coriolanus is persuaded by his mother, Volumnia, to spare the city, though he knows it may cost him his life. Aufidius and his fellow conspirators plot Coriolanus’s death. Coriolanus returns to Corioles, where he is assassinated. Rome honors Volumnia for saving the city."

Our business is not unknown to th’ Senate. They have had inkling this fortnight what we intend to do, which now we’ll show ’em in deeds. They say poor suitors have strong breaths; they shall know we have strong arms too.

With each of the plays I have looked over and chosen to speak more about in this post they each give off the energy of the five stages of grief - a TTPD theory that Taylor herself has acknowledged and made Apple Music playlists for. Coriolanus is very reminiscent of the second stage, anger. The aggression, the need for revenge and control is something Taylor has discussed in her writing before and probably will discuss again on this new album. This topic was most discussed on reputation, which also happens to be the first album to have Joe Alwyn as a muse. Also, Coriolanus being persuaded by his mother is similar to Now That We Don't Talk with Taylor discussing the topic with her mother, "I called my mom, she said that it was for the best / I called my mom, she said to get it off my chest." The excerpt that is shown can be put into the context of Taylor and Joe's PR teams having a subtle yet public discussion. It's believed that Joe's team tells The Daily Mail information, while Taylor's tells Entertainment Tonight. This can be seen in respective articles on April 11, 2023 when the break up was all over. When TTPD was announced, a source from Joe said, "If it is a diss album, that is shady. He helped her with song writing on her past album so it will really come as a shock to him if she talks about their breakup, as it is something he has not spoken of at all." Then the response was basically: Taylor writes about her life and will write about the good and bad in every relationship. This is not new and should've been expected. What I'm trying to portray is that Joe already knows what Taylor's up to when it comes to her songwriting - especially on TTPD. Taylor intends to reveal everything in her own way - like she has done multiple times with other exes (Harry Styles being a notable one).

Henry IV Part 1:

Synopsis: "Henry IV, Part 1, culminates in the battle of Shrewsbury between the king’s army and rebels seeking his crown. The dispute begins when Hotspur, the son of Northumberland, breaks with the king over the fate of his brother-in-law, Mortimer, a Welsh prisoner. Hotspur, Northumberland, and Hotspur’s uncle Worcester plan to take the throne, later allying with Mortimer and a Welsh leader, Glendower. As that conflict develops, Prince Hal—Henry IV’s son and heir—carouses in a tavern and plots to trick the roguish Sir John Falstaff and his henchmen, who are planning a highway robbery. Hal and a companion will rob them of their loot—then wait for Falstaff’s lying boasts. The trick succeeds, but Prince Hal is summoned to war. In the war, Hal saves his father’s life and then kills Hotspur, actions that help to redeem his bad reputation. Falstaff, meanwhile, cheats his soldiers, whom he leads to slaughter, and takes credit for Hotspur’s death."

O my good lord, why are you thus alone? For what offense have I this fortnight been A banished woman from my Harry’s bed? Tell me, sweet lord, what is ’t that takes from thee Thy stomach, pleasure, and thy golden sleep? Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth And start so often when thou sit’st alone? Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks And given my treasures and my rights of thee To thick-eyed musing and curst melancholy? In thy faint slumbers I by thee have watched, And heard thee murmur tales of iron wars, Speak terms of manage to thy bounding steed, Cry “Courage! To the field!” And thou hast talked Of sallies and retires, of trenches, tents, Of palisadoes, frontiers, parapets, Of basilisks, of cannon, culverin, Of prisoners’ ransom, and of soldiers slain, And all the currents of a heady fight. Thy spirit within thee hath been so at war, And thus hath so bestirred thee in thy sleep, That beads of sweat have stood upon thy brow Like bubbles in a late-disturbèd stream, And in thy face strange motions have appeared, Such as we see when men restrain their breath On some great sudden hest. O, what portents are these?  Some heavy business hath my lord in hand,  And I must know it, else he loves me not.

The play itself is similar to the first and third stages of grief, denial and bargaining. The excerpt shows bargaining as well. She is begging to know more, to know everything that is causing him turmoil - begging for the footnotes in the story of your life-esque. There are many areas of this section where I can point to folklore, Lover, and Midnights (I will discuss it more in detail in another post).

A Midsummer Night’s Dream:

Synopsis: "In A Midsummer Night’s Dream, residents of Athens mix with fairies from a local forest, with comic results. In the city, Theseus, Duke of Athens, is to marry Hippolyta, queen of the Amazons. Bottom the weaver and his friends rehearse in the woods a play they hope to stage for the wedding celebrations. Four young Athenians are in a romantic tangle. Lysander and Demetrius love Hermia; she loves Lysander and her friend Helena loves Demetrius. Hermia’s father, Egeus, commands Hermia to marry Demetrius, and Theseus supports the father’s right. All four young Athenians end up in the woods, where Robin Goodfellow, who serves the fairy king Oberon, puts flower juice on the eyes of Lysander, and then Demetrius, unintentionally causing both to love Helena. Oberon, who is quarreling with his wife, Titania, uses the flower juice on her eyes. She falls in love with Bottom, who now, thanks to Robin Goodfellow, wears an ass’s head. As the lovers sleep, Robin Goodfellow restores Lysander’s love for Hermia, so that now each young woman is matched with the man she loves. Oberon disenchants Titania and removes Bottom’s ass’s head. The two young couples join the royal couple in getting married, and Bottom rejoins his friends to perform the play."

No epilogue, I pray you. For your play needs no excuse. Never excuse. For when the players are all dead, there need none to be blamed. Marry, if he that writ it had played Pyramus and hanged himself in Thisbe’s garter, it would have been a fine tragedy; and so it is, truly, and very notably discharged. But, come, your Bergomask. Let your epilogue alone. ⌜Dance, and the players exit.⌝ The iron tongue of midnight hath told twelve. Lovers, to bed! ’Tis almost fairy time. I fear we shall outsleep the coming morn As much as we this night have overwatched. This palpable-gross play hath well beguiled The heavy gait of night. Sweet friends, to bed. A fortnight hold we this solemnity In nightly revels and new jollity.

The excerpt here, once again, has many points where connections to Taylor's previous work can be easily made. But, also, it shows the final and fifth stage of grief, acceptance.

The Merchant of Venice - In 2019, for Lover promotion, Taylor came out with a playlist called The Playlist of ME! on Apple Music. It featured ME! and eventually You Need To Calm Down when it came out (because this playlist came out originally on May 23, 2019), but also many songs from other artists. One of the songs was Venice Bitch by Lana Del Rey.

Jane Austen has mentioned a “senight” in her letters- which is a week compared to the 2 week “fortnight”

"We have also heard from Godmersham, & the day of your Uncle & Fanny’s coming is fixed; they leave home tomorrow senight, spend two days in Town & are to be with us on Thursday May 2nd - We are to see your Cousin Edward likewise, but probably not quite so soon."

(I would like to mention that May 2nd is a Thursday this year as well and the 3rd is a fortnight from April 19th)

[hyunjinspark]

i read the new chapter n jade..... my heart burned so badly, everything seems to be crumbling down all over n to think this has been yns long wished for dream that turned out a nightmare.. i have a few annotates to make!! ill out them below, its my first time so i rlly hope its not messy >.<

“Of course not” Hyunjin rolled his eyes, continuing to add details to his little map, right now he was adding the 7/11 between your house and Aera’s.

hyun thinking of yn neighborhood so fondly n cherishing the scenery sm let alone remember it to add to his painting was so heart wrenching in a good way.. it made me smile

“Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to be possible Jinnie. And…you’re probably gonna have to get the flowers tomorrow” Chan suddenly said, filling up the blender with ingredients.

i knew exactly where this was going n for some reason it made me rlly sulky.... hyuns hectic life ;—;

“No, but my girlfr-“ Hyunjin stopped in his sentence, clearing his throat, and he could feel Chan’s gaze burn curiously into him, “Um…one of my friends is. He’s her favourite artist in the world”

i was blushing so hard here, i got so flustered, i hope yn finds out abt this, the subconsciously calling her his girlfriend, its so!!!!!!! god!!!!!!

He saw your eyes widen, and a deep emotion overwhelmed you. He didn’t see you react more, and he wondered what this meant to you, what he meant to you right now, even so far away. You didn't say anything back. You must be holding it all in, just like him. Maybe you didn’t know how to put your thoughts into words. He couldn't blame you. Even after reading all the poems in the world, Hyunjin didn’t have the words either. Not enough anyway.

i loved seeing more of hyuns heart during such conversations!!!!! we havent gotten much of it so i cherish it all dearly n feeling hyuns sincerity towards yn from such insights, he better tell her sooner or later, poor yns heart deserves to know ;—; especially after the mess going on for a while now

I want you here with me at this party. Fuck, it’s so dull without you. If you were here, we could just sneak off and…I would kiss you. Positively. My manager is here, the scary one, but he doesn’t have to know. Earlier, I was reading a book and there was an English word in it that reminded me of you. Saudade. I looked it up because I was so curious and it said it’s a state of melancholy for a beloved someone or something. I think that explains this ridiculous feeling I have when I think of you. I have it even when I’m not thinking of you. Like last week, when we were recording this one song. It’s like you’re here with me in everything. I guess what I’m saying is, I just want to kiss you really really badly and fuck I’m really drunk so I’m sorry for how this may sound but I just really need to feel you—

this was one of the hottest things ive read through slwy..... the words rnt coming out, but, the desperation n need in his words here melt me.. i am yet again nothing but a woman it seems, this was genuinely so hot. i cant say it enough. i kind of wish he wasnt cut off at the end.....

Suddenly the expensive bracelets he was wearing felt like shackles around Hyunjin’s wrists. 

When he got home that night, he realised the hydrangeas in his room had withered away completely.

the poetry/metaphors in these lines were beautiful jade :(

At your question, Hyunjin’s grip on the wheel tightened. His shoulders tensed up.

You'd struck a nerve.

Good.

yn getting some revenge this way was so satisfying to read. yes u struck a nerve n yes its good that u did!!!

hey. i was just talking with minho and man, i miss you

I know you’ve likely forgotten all about me but call me later please…I think ill die here without you

yongbok is so sweet, i do miss him n i didnt realize how much i did until reading his texts here

“She’s a really good artist” Hyunjin suddenly interrupted you.

proud boyfriend behavior. i dont know if u understand but this was so proud boyfriend!

He’d gotten so much better in your absence. You’d only gotten worse in his.

this just hurt. bc yes. :( hyun come back :(

“No, I’m not done talking. After losing you, moving to the city was the hardest thing I ever did. Leaving Daejon behind, all my friends…the only life I knew, and this place where I don’t really fit perfectly, but I’m trying so hard to. It is so hard. The only thing I love…I can’t even love that anymore because I can’t fucking stop thinking about you when I’m painting! It’s not fair. You had a choice, Hyunjin. I didn’t” Your voice broke.

hearing it all pour out of her is so heartbreaking bc it feels like theres so much more she wants to say but cant bc of how overwhelming it is, my chest felt heavy hearing her like this :(

“I…couldn’t leave you at the party. It’s not safe…of course I had to drive you home. I would go insane if something happened to you”

something happened to her when u disappeared, dummy..... u should go insane over that instead bc yn did. so did i. hyun come back!!!!! ;—;

Raindrops slowly trickled down, tracing the ruined paper in your palm. The only memory left of you and Hyunjin was now gone.

heart ripped off my chest. im v sentimental even w materials so this.... it rlly hurt.

“Fine” You heard it being passed around and then his voice came in, “Love. I’m here”

i had these copy pasted in my notes but i just got to send u this ask so im unsure if this was bbok or lino... im thinking bbok, hes so comforting amongst the chaos he seems to be the constant yn needs

Draped in a beige trench coat, cheeks red from the cold, Hyunjin stood at the bottom of your staircase.

nothing n i repeat NOTHING couldve prepared me for this. i did not expect it at all, everything was so fast i was ready to take in a deep calming breath n read along w yns quick decision to go back but now theres....... hyun. hyun is here n i cant wait to know the reason, what hell say or do, how yn feels n how it plays out.. im so nervous n once again looking forward to the next chapter >.<

u once again worded everything so beautifully n im sorry its getting repetitive by now but i love ur writing n the depth to it. i hold it dear to me, this story. thanku so much for writing it w so much love, jade<3

-🤍

idk how i missed answering this !! this is so sweet, i cherished reading every line and i absolutely LOVE when you annotate, it makes me feel appreciated and fuzzy and warm inside. thank you for pointing out your favorite parts 🥺

im glad you thought hyun’s text was hot, the desperation is really there haha. and thank you for appreciating all the little flower metaphors i sprinkled in there ! i loved reading this. thank you for loving this story so much, you make me happy.

[bullet-prooflove]

Donna’s Wednesday Radio Show Prompt List #6

Hey guys! As some of may know I do a weekly radioshow on Wednesdays and I thought why not put together a prompt list from some of the songs I’ve been playing. I thought it would bring some fresh prompts into our world!

Feel free to pop any of these prompts with a charcter I write for (You can find these on the pinned post on my blog) into my ASK box!

1.      won't let me see this side of you

2.      You looked at death in a tarot card and you saw what you had to do

3.      I'm drinking tonight, gonna give up the fight

4.      turning me on Like a slow fire burn

5.      I choke back tears 'til I damn near drown

6.      You're not gonna make it

7.      Loveless nights, they seem so long I know that I'll hold you someday.

8.      We still talk like everyday But we don't talk in the same way that we used to

9.      This is the last time you say After the last line you break

10.   He pulled you closer, said he'll never let go

11.   And if only I could find the words Or muster up the nerve to tell her

12.   Can't keep my hands to myself

13.    the ghost of my sin

14.   But till you come back where you belong It's just another lonely Sunday.

15.   I fell for a boy who could never ever let me walk home that way 'Cause you gotta be safe

16.   You say that you love me, You won't remember in the morning

17.   I wish I'd known that it would be this hard to be alone. Please, come home!

18.   You're speaking like you really love him

19.   Maybe we'll see that we were wrong If ever we look back one day

20.   I thought that I was the exception I could rewrite your addiction

21.   The only thing stronger than you is whiskey

22.   Please, come back, don't you leave me

23.   When you're dying in LA

24.   Now all I can do is lay in my room Fall asleep, dream of you

25.   Tonight with me Won't you cut it up and dance all over me

26.   I'll never forget her and she'll always have a part of me

27.   He can be the one you run to, the one that saves ya

28.   the taste of goodbye on your lips when you kiss me

29.   You couldn't trust him but you never said no

30.   You trace my lines Stirring my soul

31.   And now you're dancing like you need him

32.   Don't let me go down this road again, We both know where this ends

33.   Put it in your pocket don't tell anyone I gave ya

34.   But for an angel, she's a hot, hot mess

35.   We both know love is not that easy

36.   He kissed you on the lips and opened your eyes

37.   Goodbye to my hopes and dreams

38.   I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain

39.   Trust me, you'll make it through

40.   I know that I'm running out of time

41.   You had to catch your breath, got such a surprise

42.   Might be over now, but I feel it still

43.   Every now and then she makes you just a little bit crazy

44.   And you always forgot how it feels to live in his lies

45.   I wanna watch you undress

46.   It was your first cigarette

47.   But friends keep telling you what he did last night

48.   give-me-some-more girl

49.   In that moment he made you forgot how it feels when he's gone

50.   I know that it's wrong Still I run right into you

51.   I would rather we just go our different ways

52.   And now you're feeling like you miss him

53.   And you try to remember that there's no way you could ever be friends

54.   You better get your shit together

55.   He's out your system yeah it took you a while

56.   I know, 'cause I've been there too

57.   You and me together, forever

58.   I'ma disappear when they come for me

59.   You surround me, pull me, drown me then swallow me whole

60.   I shake and I shiver just to feel you breathe

61.   And all you want is just to hold her

62.   I forget who you used to be

63.   She's like a one-way ticket cause you can't come back

64.   You're way too young to be broken

65.   You pull me in close And buckle my knees

66.   I know it must seem frightening To have the world fall apart right under your shoes

67.   And I bit my lip the second you sipped The poison that was mixed for me

68.   You're way too young to play these games

69.   'Cause there are deeper and darker things than you

70.   From the beating of your heart

71.   Everything's turning dark to you

72.   I'm not the one Who wants to hurt you

[navibluebees]

Pieces of a Soul - Chapter 11

Ageless & empty blogs will be blocked. No minors!

Thank you to those who have followed this story. I love being able to share my heart through writing. I'm so grateful to you.

TW: Unsure how to label this, but if you have a hard time with parental confrontation, you may cry a little bit. Sorry about that. 😬

The dream ritual came sooner than Naomi was ready for. Nothing could have prepared her, though. Mìmuk and Keveya showed up to paint her for the ceremony. She sat down in front of them as they drew the lines over her torso, arms, and face. She squirmed a bit when they ran their fingers across ticklish spots. Keveya smiled quietly to himself, enjoying this moment together. 

Mìmuk drew the last lines down across Naomi’s lips and pulled back. “You are ready,” she said.

Keveya pushed a free curl behind her ear. “You will face much.  Your spirit will be in turmoil. You must fight. You are strong. You will come back to us,” he nodded, sure of it.

~~~

Naomi felt the sting of the arachnoid and swallowed the glow worm and began to hallucinate. She was 15. She was back on Earth. Her mother was berating her for something. She opened her mouth to defend herself.

 “Don’t talk back!” her mother screeched. “I hate when you get sassy. I have to walk on eggshells with you every single day and for what? You’re so ungrateful. If you don’t like this life, you’re welcome to leave. I feed you, I clothe you, there’s a roof over your head. You have everything you could want. You don’t need anything else.”

Naomi slowly slipped from her present state, withdrawing into her mind. Her mother’s lack of nurturing and her father’s absence physically and mentally had always been a point of contention. “That’s just the way she is,” he’d say. But what about what Naomi needed? Young Naomi curled in on herself and stayed so small. A bright light swam across her vision and she made herself known. As she passed by the hallway mirror, she gasped as she saw her Na’vi self.

She turned to her younger self and smiled kindly. Sensing the harmony of their spirits, the younger Naomi relaxed as she came behind her chair and put a hand on her shoulder protectively. She towered over her parents and stared them down. A pang of sadness shot through her. She was aware that they thought they had done best, but they never seemed to remember that she had been a child and unable to be anything but what they had raised her to be.

The small body under her hand quivered with repressed emotion. She stood firm behind her, leaning over the table to look into her parents’ eyes. She would not be afraid. Not anymore. She was strong enough now. She pointed accusingly between them and opened her mouth to speak.

“You are done. Finished. You have no power over me anymore, over her. We have grown. We are strong. We have found a family who keeps us safe. A family that does not seek to harm us. That sees past their own pain and desires to grow with us, not smother us beneath their feet. They accept us as we are, not as they might wish us to be. You will never haunt us again.”

~~~

Naomi burst forward, a shriek leaving her lips. Mo’at lunged to grab at her arms. “Child, child. It is alright. You are safe. You.. you have made it through. You are one of the people. One of us,” she whispered with tears in her eyes.

Naomi wept, pressing her head to the ground, letting out scream that resounded from her very soul. She grieved for her past self she couldn’t protect and the worth she struggled to accept now. Hands came close and covered her, interlocking with more hands. They reached for her and pulled her into their embrace, soothing her trembling spirit and body. In another lifetime, this much touching would have overwhelmed her, but these were healing hands. Loving hands. Hands of acceptance. Arms of a family.

She rose unsteadily, supported by her loved ones. Jake stepped forward and drew her in, holding her tight. Their bond as humans who had become something different, to whom no one else could relate was something so precious that she would treasure it always. 

Neytiri came up next. She cupped Naomi’s cheeks in her hands and pressed their foreheads together. “My sister…” Naomi softly laughed as tears streamed down her cheeks and nodded in response.

Mìmuk and Keveya had never left her side while others had congratulated her. Her paint was streaked down her face and over her body with sweat and tears but they couldn’t look away. She was exquisite. They held their arms out to her and she rushed forward into them where they all hugged each other. Peace. Home. This was her place now.

~~~

Neytiri, fully pregnant, sat with Naomi a few nights later. 

“Neytiri, I really have no idea who to choose. Or if I even should with me still having a human body.” 

Neytiri nodded, “It is a difficult choice. What do you like about each of them?”

Naomi thought carefully. “Keveya has always been gentle with me.. with the exception of the first time,” she said with a laugh. “He is strong. He is very handsome. He makes me feel heard. Like he yearns to peer into my soul and know my very being. Mìmuk is beautiful. She is bright and bold. She is protective. I can tell she is not fickle with her heart. And… I am afraid I will hurt them.”

Neytiri nodded sagely. “Choosing one’s life mate is a meaningful choice. It is not something to be taken lightly. You will know when the time comes.”

At that moment, Neytiri, bent over, crying out. Naomi gasped. “Jake! JAKE! Something is happening with Neytiri.” 

Mo’at had been hovering nearby more recently, anticipating the birth. She hurried to her daughter, unable to keep the joyous smile off of her face. It was time. She brought her Neytiri nto her tent, and pulled out supplies she needed. Naomi ran to get water for her and came back quickly. Jake was sitting beside her, rubbing her shoulders. Neytiri was hissing and rattling off Na’vi quicker than Naomi could understand it. Jake’s gaze met hers with an overwhelmed grimace before his focus returned to trying to help his mate relax. Neytiri raged as she labored. She was strong and powerful, but in this where she lacked control, it was difficult for her. 

Neteyam made his appearance early the next morning to everyone’s relief. He had a strong cry and powerful fists. Neytiri held him to her chest, sighing. Jake had smiled down at his little family and a tear slide down his cheek. Neytiri leaned against him. “Ma Jake, our son will be a warrior.” 

He laughed through a sob and said, “Hell yeah, he will.”

~~~

It was such a joy to experience Neteyam’s introduction to the clan. He was the most beautiful baby Naomi had ever seen. She would take him when Jake and Neytiri went on date nights if Mo’at wasn’t available. When she came as her human self, she would wear him in a sling across her chest, in awe that he was as big as her torso. She would sit with him and coo and make faces and he would scrunch up his nose, giggle and usually spit up right after that. 

Keveya was unsurprisingly very good at charming babies. Neteyam was entranced by his singing voice at night when he was being rocked to sleep. Naomi and Mìmuk would lean against each other and fall asleep as well before Jake came to pick up Neteyam. Many days, Naomi would wake up in Keveya’s tent, sandwiched between him and Mìmuk in her Avatar body. They would all be tangled together and she would snuggle closer, feeling safe with her chosen family.

~~~

They had been so patient with her and she knew she owed them an answer, but she just didn’t have one yet. Unrest plagued her soul as she walked along the stream where she had looked for shells with Keveya. An older woman was further down, carefully cleaning a set of pale white bones to be woven together for a top. 

Naomi smiled slightly at her and was about to go past when the older woman said, “Child, unburden yourself. Your eyes are so tired.”

Naomi paused in her tracks and slowly sat down, watching the woman work. As the woman scrubbed, she said, “My name is Ateyin. I have seen you among us. You are a dream walker.”

Naomi nodded, a feeling of hesitancy creeping in.

“Oh dear, it is nothing to worry about. Our leader was one, too. Are you also wanting to become wholly yourself in this body?” She asked as she gestured to her Avatar. Naomi nodded enthusiastically.

“I love this life with the Omaticaya. I have never felt so at home. So at peace and connected to nature, but I am afraid. Once I become officially Na’vi, I may have to choose a mate.”

“Ah ah you don’t have to. You can go without. But what is so troubling about choosing? Do you not have anyone that you would choose?”

“Actually..” Naomi went on to explain her dilemma to the curious woman. She found that unburdening herself to someone who wasn’t involved was extremely helpful and provided some clarity.

“Naomi, child. Listen well. You have difficult choices before you. You may choose one or choose none and before you make up your mind, there is a story you need to hear. A third choice. Long ago in the time of the first songs, a hunter was in the same situation. He desired two people. They also desired him and each other. He decided he would have both. There was no precedent and they snuck away to the tree of voices one night,  and the next morning, all three were mated together. It was the first time it had happened and has happened so very rarely since then. Maybe only twice. But it has happened. If you all choose each other, be sure. It can be tenuous with only two beings mated, let alone three.”

~~~

Naomi pondered the story from Ateyin and sat under the moon alone. She laid back in the grass and ran her fingers through it. The sounds of the forest surrounded her and she closed her eyes to experience it all. Her mind separated from her body, but did not go to her human self in the pod. It drifted higher and higher above the trees, rising to see far beyond the forest. She looked around, confused before she felt her spirit tugged to the tree of souls. She had seen this in footage before and stepped forward apprehensively. A wood sprite came to her hand and touched her lightly, then brought her to a nearby vine to connect to. Naomi breathed shakily. She had never done this before. She pulled her queue from over her shoulder and touched it lightly, the fibers twining together.

Pulled even further from her body, she was surrounded with a warm white light. It lit every dark corner of her soul, scattering her demons. The light banished every thought she had ever felt of worthlessness, inadequacy. Every single fear. My child, it said.

~~~

Sometime later, she woke up and made her way back to the Avatar barracks, dropping heavily on to her cot. She came to in her pod, raised the lid and stumbled out. Norm was nearby and he rushed forward to help her. He put his arms underneath hers and guided her to a chair. She sighed and her head flopped down. He reached out to gentle smooth her curls. “You were in there a while. You’ve been doing that most days. These things weren’t meant to hold up for use all day every single minute.”

Frowning, she said, “But Jake did it. Why can’t I??”

“Jake was going down a bad path. He wasn’t eating much, didn’t take care of himself and ALSO it was war time. You are not fighting any battles anytime soon. Plus, he was already bonded to his Na’vi form at this point. It’s been almost a year since you started using it. You have to be careful.”

Naomi groaned. She knew Norm wasn’t wrong, but it still annoyed her to hear. “Fine,” she grumbled. “I’ll take a break for a few days…”

~~~

The following days bored her almost to tears. Norm insisted on Naomi staying in and relaxing. She groused for a bit and then eventually gave up, exhaustion setting in. She was burrowed down under her blankets and pulled them tight around her. She was sleeping deeply when she felt herself being lifted and startled awake. Mìmuk had picked her up and sat down on the bed, pulling her into her lap and rocking her gently.

“Oh, hey.” Naomi smiled and reached a hand up to place against Mìmuk’s face. 

She laughed and said, “Little one, it looks like you are being swallowed by these blankets.”

A low chuckled came from the door. Naomi’s head turned and saw Keveya come to sit next to Mìmuk’s feet and raise a hand up to smooth Naomi’s hair. He smiled softly at her and nodded at Mìmuk. “We were worried about you and wanted to come see how you were doing.” 

Naomi’s bottom lip popped out and she pulled them both in for an awkward hug, sandwiched between them. “I missed you guys so much. I’m sorry for not sending a message or anything.”

“It is alright,” he said. “We know you just wanted to see our beautiful faces.”

“Ah!” Naomi gasped. “Your sarcasm is getting better.”

He nodded eagerly. “Yes, I enjoy teasing you in any language.”

A silence settled upon them for a moment. Naomi pulled her arm back in, fidgeting with her bracelet. Mìmuk noted the movement, worried. Naomi finally breathed hard. “I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine life without either of you… The other night I ran into the storyteller, Ateyin. She was a very, um, interesting person to meet. I think Eywa made sure we would meet. She told me a story of how some mates can be together as three instead of two.. as something called a trinity.”

Keveya recoiled slightly and his gaze to Mìmuk. She looked conflicted. Her eyes raised to his and they analyzed each other in a new light as Naomi talked. They both loved her so much and wondered to themselves if it would be possible to share her with another for the rest of their lives. 

Keveya reached for Naomi’s hand and gently folded it in his. “Naomi, are you asking us to both be your mates?”

“I- Well.. When she mentioned it, it felt right. Like my soul could be at peace in a world where I could have both of you. But, I know that it may be selfish and I understand if neither of you want to do it. I will always care for you and want you both to see that your happiness is so important to me and I will do what I can to take care of your hearts, whatever form that takes for us.”

~~~

Mìmuk and Keveya walked silently back to the camp. She felt antsy, like she was about to crawl out of her skin. Her hands shook and she put them together, wringing them. A gentle hand came to rest on top of hers. 

“If you are not ready to go back to your family tent, will you walk with me? I could use the company.”

She nodded and they went to the woods so they might walk beside the stream. They found a quiet place to sit together and he nudged her with his shoulder once they sat. He allowed her a moment of peace before speaking quietly. “Naomi has presented us with a choice. I had heard whispers of a trinity, but it has not occurred for a long, long time. In my mind, I picture it as having separate tents and sending her off to be with you every other night. I have to say I am not partial to this. We have grown up together, always been paired together or pitted against each other. I would not wish to see our rivalry destroy such a precious thing: what lies between us and Naomi.”

She scoffed and nodded. “What you say is true and I feel the same. But I cannot imagine life without her light. Since she came, everything feels so right. I cannot imagine making the bond with someone aside from her."

***

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