#I had a Christian coworker two years ago and it was amazing

[eddis-not-eeddis]

Please pray for me, I need to find a new job and I really would like to have good hours and if you would, could you pray that I could have at least one solid Christian coworker?

[sureuncertainty]

The Silence Agenda: A reference post

revised/updated 2/7/20

(this is an updated version of the old post, I had to make a new one because it wasn’t letting me edit, but much of it is changed anyway) 

WHAT IS THIS THING YOU’RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT, WIN???

Well, it’s my original novel, The Silence Agenda, that’s completely taken over this blog to the point of me considering changing my url (don’t worry I won’t, I’m not planning on changing it anytime soon), and I figured it’d be good to have relevant info in one place for anyone interested in learning about it or about the characters!

Plot Synopsis: A trained assassin and Stressed(tm) grad student room together in a tiny apartment to make rent easier.  (oh my god they were roommates)The book centers around their relationship, growing from not quite enemies, but more like annoyances, to unlikely friends, and eventually of course, to lovers, because I’m predictable like that.

Nyx (they/them)-

Nyx is the trained assassin half of the story. They’re 24 years old, genderfluid and use they/them pronouns, and they’re also intersex and identify as queer!

They’re also ISTJ and an 8w9. They’re not really a people person, as they learned a lonnnng time ago not to trust others, and have a very hard time communicating and also showing or feeling any emotions at all.

They had a rough life, grew up poor, were kicked out of their house when they were 17 by a homophobic/transphobic single mother, and ended up homeless for two years before they joined

The Silence Agenda, the name of the organization of assassins that Nyx is a part of. Their mission is basically to take out people that other people want dead. Technically, they’re hitmen, not assassins. The Boss is the highest up in the organization, and has no name other than The Boss. I have no drawings of him. Other Silence Agenda agents include:

Iris (she/her)-

Nyx’s ex girlfriend, and recruiter of them to the silence agenda. She also saved their life. She’s impulsive, somewhat irrational, somewhat crazy, and also drop dead gorgeous so Nyx was wildly in love with her. She sacrificed herself to keep them alive, and they’ve never stopped blaming themself for that. Partially because of

Kat (she/her)-

Another silence agenda agent, an extremely petty, jealous bitch who also happens to be the main antagonist of the story. Always jealous of Nyx because of Iris’s “favoritism”, she holds a deep grudge against them, and also manipulated them into thinking that Iris’s death was their fault, even though it wasn’t. She comes from a rich family, and grew up somewhat abandoned by her parents, and with some violent tendencies. Her parents were killed by Silence Agents when she was 20 years old, and she proceeded to then join Silence Agenda to become a ruthless killer. Power hungry, manipulative, and obsessive, wants nothing more than to take over the Silence Agenda herself one day

And that’s pretty much it for backstory, Silence Agenda related things. Which is only HALF of the story I’m telling. The other half involves my wonderful boi

Avery Sharpe (they/them)-

A 23 year old grad student studying history with a deep love of all things Irish. They’re agender, bisexual, and demisexual! They have green hair that they dye lavender halfway through the story (hence different hair colors when I draw them). They also have emetophobia, social anxiety, and ADHD.

They work two separate jobs, at Starbucks, and the campus library in order to afford to live, as they were disowned by their conservative Christian parents their junior year of college,  They’re very passionate and feel things a lot, and are also incredibly messy, which drives Nyx up the wall.

Sam (he/him)-

Avery’s only real other friend at the time of the story’s writing, one of their coworkers at Starbucks. A Friend and Boy. Highly supportive, encouraging, and the Ultimate Wingman of Nyx and Avery’s relationship. Gay and in a long term committed relationship with his boyfriend, Carlos.

The only other important character has no illustrations, but his name is Derek Bernard, and he’s Nyx’s target, who works at Avery’s university as does Nyx undercover. He’s the head of the department of economics and he sucks.

If you made it here, thank you so much for reading! As for the story itself, I have it in both novel and SCREENPLAY form, thanks to my beautiful and incredible girlfriend @drama-dick who you should check out bc she also writes amazing poetry! If you’re interested in reading, DM me! I have individual tags for each of the characters, as well as a main tag for my story, The Silence Agenda (https://sureuncertainty.tumblr.com/tagged/the-silence-agenda), if you’d like to check it out. I am planning on attempting to self publish, and will be posting more details about that as it comes out.

Feel free, as always to DM me or send me asks with questions for, or about my characters! AND AND AND if you ever want to literally make my entire day, draw art of any of my OCs for me to love you forever!! I already love you forever for reading this!

[fuck-customers]

Big Bird Deli, Part 3

Continued from https://fuck-customers.tumblr.com/post/185625162330/continuation-of-the-big-bird-deli-story-found

Now, I know you all want me to say I got a new job and rubbed it in my store manager’s face. Sadly, reality is often disappointing. My top choices so far sent back general rejection emails and I’m looking into different industries to branch into. Now, it's not all bad news, but in order to get into the good news, I need to tell you all a story about one co-worker; our constant call off, whom I’ll refer to as CCO. Buckle up for a long story.

CCO was transferred to our store from the one about five minutes down the road a little under three years ago now. I was still in my first year when she transferred in. As I worked with her, she seemed like a good co-worker. Knowledgeable, dependable, she even taught a bunch of tricks to make the job easier. Then, some things started to bubble to the surface.

At first, the only bad thing about her is that she took a long time in the bathroom, 10-15 minutes, pretty much a break without clocking out for one. CCO’s explanation for this was biological, but she couldn’t identify her condition. Skeptical, but ok. Then, she’d also take a long time to get a drink (Non-alcoholic). Managers caught sipping a drink in the break room, and even the training room (Small room with computers for basic training/OSHA/Food Safety) and told her multiple times, she could only do that on breaks. She’d also do stuff that led to numerous signs in our back hall. She’d try store dry food there, take drinks back there, and she’d be on her cell phone on her shift way too much (Mostly showing her cats, making notes, not talking or playing games).

Then, she began to talk constantly. She’d talk with customers even after their orders were done. I constantly saw customers get that “I need to get going but I don’t see my chance to leave yet” expression, and she’d keep blabbering on for a few more minutes as the customer slowly tried to inch away. But it wasn’t just customers, CCO would do the same to co-workers. She’d blabber on while doing nothing or only very small tasks. Sometimes her conversations sucked you in, even though the topics were things from youth, church, or constant updates about her cats (she and husband got up to FIVE cats, and yes, introductions to them included pictures.) I had the highest tolerance for these stories, not sure why.

Now, I can handle those things above. But it got worse. So. Much. Worse. After our store got remodeled just before CCO came in, tasks were updated to include not only sweeping the department floor every night but also washing and squeegeeing the floor. CCO made excuses so she wouldn’t be the one doing it. She’d do anything she could to pass it off on that night’s co-worker. She made excuses that it hurt her back, but refused time and time again to get a doctor’s note to excuse her from the task. She also made excuses that it was tiring, but she stopped those excuses after only a couple weeks. This, coupled with many closers forgetting some tasks, provoked our Deli Manager to make daily task sheets starting this past summer, mostly focused on the closing staff. I, personally, am ok with the sheets, as I view it as a tool to acclimate new employees to the department tasks.

But here’s the big one. She ‘began’ to get migraines within six months of her transfer. She’d slow and become less useful during work, taking long treks to get water and basic medicine that seemed to do the trick at first. The kicker is that she began to call off once every two weeks. Now, you may think that’s not so bad and it’ll count against her. Wrong. She applied for FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act) for her migraines. She could spend a TON of hours towards it, and she could reapply when she ran out. I started out sympathetic, as I have family members with migraines, but they have methods to curb it so they can work. CCO started calling off once a week. Twice a week. This year, it went up to three times a week. And it was almost always on the same co-worker, Nice Coworker (NC). NC became stressed, she didn’t even want to be scheduled with CCO because of it, but sometimes had no choice. I saw NC break down in tears multiple times. She threatened management to not call her if CCO called off on Sundays, cuz she wouldn’t come in at all. Our deli manager retaliated by trying to schedule CCO less. CCO retaliated by complaining about her hours and claiming hours of other co-workers due to seniority!!! She’d just take their shifts and call-off anyway! So not only was she causing hours to drop, she was basically stealing money from people who actually show up for work.

This all caused morale and productivity to plummet. We were stressed, aggravated even. All the while management still wanted everything perfect while not addressing the problem. And since we’re union, management has to give CCO chance after chance before she’s finally fired or CCO will just run and cry to the union about ‘unfair termination’. We also got wind from people in the store down the street (Sometimes people over here have to cover over there and vice versa) that this behavior happened down there, but not to the extent it got down here, and was the reason CCO transferred. We also learned that she’s had this behavior at all the past jobs she told anyone about. This woman is ten years older than me and hasn’t learned any lessons about her behavior.

Oh, but the cherry on top of this comes in the form of gaslighting and manipulation. CCO dared to call NC her friend while she was claiming NC’s hours and calling off on her! CCO would apologize and say that she “was a shitty person,” and that we “must hate her”. Insincere apologies, self-bashing designed to make you say “No, you’re not a piece of garbage!”(even though she was). CCO also spread rumors about a friend who’s like a brother to me (from another department) when he briefly got in deep trouble. She did this because she thought she could get his full-time position once he was fired (A position that took him being there 12 years and his manager begging multiple times on his behalf to get). Needless to say, I heard through the grapevine and began to truly hate her.

Oh, and remember those call-offs? CCO’d often do those on the weekend, y’know, the busy times. Especially Sundays. Since she was a “Good Christian™”, she’d want to go to church on Sundays. Ok. Reasonable. Then, she called off on Sunday evenings, a shift that’s hell to close alone. Again, on NC mostly. She’d do this repeatedly until our Deli Manager decided to not schedule her on Sunday, two weeks in a row. CCO smirked and told NC that “Her plan had worked!” and that she won’t work Sundays (She didn’t put them off on her availability because it was discouraged, and sometimes even rejected, to not work weekends). To say that, and say that to the person she called off on constantly, is just despicable. Many of us told our deli manager as soon as possible. If she didn’t schedule CCO on Sundays, she’d work on Sundays in any department she had experience in (she’s cross-trained in the Hot foods and meat departments).

At the start of this year. Everyone in the department hated her. Some would be catty or strictly business with her. I opted to pretend to not want to rip her face off, otherwise, I risked forwarding that bile to customers, and I have cried on CCO’s shoulder in the past due to previous work-related bullshit (not the story above). But, we finally had some news from the grapevine; CCO’s doctor AND corporate had picked up on her FMLA abuse. It was flagged as abuse because during times her FMLA expired and needed to be redone her migraines had ‘mysteriously’ disappeared. No call-offs until after FMLA was reinstated. Her doctor told her that he wouldn’t approve more and even if he did, it wouldn’t be approved by the company. By our calculations, she’d run out at the end of May. She ran out mid-May. All we had to do was wait.

And this past week, the good news! Turns out CCO didn’t help NC much the Saturday of my paid vacation. NC went to Store Manager on Wednesday, on her day off, to report CCO. Store Manager told NC that CCO, and potentially all of the deli, was going to get pulled into the office soon one by one. Details couldn’t be said due to confidentiality but NC said that shit was about to go down, we all just didn’t know what. On Friday, now mid-June, our Union Steward (A worker to represents the union while not working for the union directly) came and got CCO and pulled her into the office with Store Manager. Ten minutes later, CCO was escorted out of the store by Loss Prevention. The scales finally tipped when the customer complaints stacked up, and that she got into a verbal argument with a co-worker (Not me or NC) with a manager as a witness. Said co-worker was at the store on her day off, shopping and chatting with us briefly. While CCO passed by, CCO called her a bitch, in earshot of Loss Prevention. But that was the last we’ve seen of CCO.

Slight dancing was had, and upper management reminded us that this is an opportunity to turn the deli around. We got a new person who started during my vacation. She’s absolutely amazing and gets along with everyone. It’s only been a few days, but already other departments are commenting that the deli seems happier and that a great weight has been lifted. I always joked about giving CCO this big speech in a dark, even tone and saying she needs to go on disability or welfare if her work ethic or migraines are that bad. But, I decided against doing a big Facebook drama thing. Instead, I blocked her on social media and her phone number. I’m glad to finally cut her out of my life permanently.

As for me? I’m still at Big Bird. Now that the main problem is gone, I can take my time finding a good job and not go for the first one that gives me an interview. I still want to leave because of upper management, and I haven’t received confirmation that my write up was overturned. Things are looking up, and I’m glad we now have a solid, competent team as we get ready for the 4th of July sales.

Last word: I was going to post this as is, but today, I heard something amazing. A co-worker had to work a split shift, beginning down the road then coming up to our store. Turns out, CCO didn’t tell her husband that she got fired! She told him she was on vacation! And he works down the street! I busted up laughing, imagining scenarios when he finds out she lied. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall for that confrontation. :3

TL;DR

Not much has happened other than a co-worker getting fired and absolutely deserving it after putting the deli under so much stress.

[berniesrevolution]

In Dilley, Texas, there is only one grocery store, and that grocery store is Lowes. (It is not a Lowes, like the home improvement center. It is a totally different and legally distinct store that also happens to be called Lowes.) Lowes is a place of many mysteries. I once went there to buy vegetable broth for a sick coworker, and combed the soup aisle for nearly 20 minutes before being forced to admit that no, Lowes does not carry vegetable broth. The closest thing they had was a can of something called “vegetable beef.” Lowes does, however, carry bacon-flavored pancake syrup, quite a lot of animal pheromones in spray cans (including such choice selections as “raccoon urine” and “sow in heat,” which I assume are for agricultural rather than cosmetic purposes), and a large selection of devotional candles in glass cylinders.

I had never paid much attention to the candles, but a friend of mine was in town, volunteering at the child internment camp where I work as an immigration lawyer, and he wanted to bring back a candle for some eclectic ofrenda-type situation he had set up in his D.C. apartment. He is a meticulous and thoughtful sort of person, and took a long time debating between various candidates. I had come to Lowes primarily to buy Cheez-Its, and was getting impatient. I picked up a candle at random. “How about this one?” I said.

The candle had a picture of a Little Lord Fauntleroy-type in a plumed hat and a white ruff, with a pink seashell pinned to his cloak. I glanced at the label on the back. Glorioso Santo Niño de Atocha, it said, patrón de las que están injustamente en prisión, protector de viajeros y que das la mano al que se encuentra en peligro…

I didn’t know anything about this saint at all, despite having grown up Catholic, so I looked him up on my phone. I soon discovered that he was not really a saint, per se, but a special Limited Edition version of baby Jesus. Wikpedia offered up the following backstory:

In the 13th century, Spain was under Muslim rule. The town of Atocha, now part of Madrid’s Arganzuela district, was lost to the Muslims, and many Christians there were taken prisoners as spoils of war. The Christian prisoners were not fed by the jailers, but by family members who brought them food. According to pious legend, the caliph ordered that only children under the age of 12 were permitted to bring food. Conditions became increasingly difficult for those men without small children. … Reports soon began among the people of Atocha that an unknown child under the age of twelve and dressed in pilgrim’s clothing, had begun to bring food to childless prisoners at night. The women of the town returned to Our Lady of Atocha to thank the Virgin for her intercession, and noticed that the shoes worn by the Infant Jesus were tattered and dusty. They replaced the shoes of the Infant Jesus, but these became worn again. The people of Atocha took this as a sign that it was the Infant Jesus who went out every night to help those in need.

This all got me rather excited, because I am very fond of medieval history, and regularly drive around rural Texas blasting 13th-century Spanish pilgrimage music. Who would’ve thought that a little vestige of the medieval world would turn up in my local grocery store? Secondly, what better patron for someone who works at a jail for child refugees than a child-saint who defends both travelers in peril and the unjustly imprisoned?

And that was how I first ended up buying a Holy Infant of Atocha candle for my kitchen table.

Later, when I researched the matter further, I found out that the Wikipedian history of the Holy Infant was—shockingly—likely incorrect. The medieval origin story was a post hoc invention, an attempt to give an older European pedigree to a wholly Mexican tradition. The Holy Infant’s mother, as it turns out, was an authentically medieval character: Holy Mary of Atocha appears in several of the 13th century Cantigas de Santa Maria (a.k.a. the sick beats currently blaring from my Kia Forte), mostly as a patroness of field workers. When her shrine at Atocha was selected for special favor by the Spanish monarchy in the 17th century, she was transformed from a saint of the people into an emblem of Spanish governance. It was in this capacity—as a defender of Spanish colonial might—that Mary of Atocha found her way to Mexico. Sanctuaries in her name were built in the state of Zacatecas, in Fresnillo and Plateros.

But through some obscure evolution of local devotion, it was the image of her child, the Holy Infant, that became the primary locus of worship. The Holy Infant of Atocha eventually came to be revered as a protector of ordinary people, especially of miners, travelers, and prisoners. An 1848 novena written by one Calixto Aguirre was instrumental in popularizing the cult of the Holy Infant, and the cover illustration of the printed pamphlet version was the first to show him as a pilgrim rather than a prince. Instead of a crown, a globe, and a scepter—the traditional iconography of power—he had a big hat, a food basket, and a traveler’s staff with a gourd hanging from it. The first episode of the novena tells of a legal miracle.  It begins with the tale of a poor woman by the name of Maximiana Esparza, who wanders to four different cities, seeking succor. In each city, she is imprisoned for her malas costumbres—some unspecified bad manners—and, having no family or other advocate to speak on her behalf, she languishes for years in prison in each place. At last, after being in prison a year in Durango, she prays to the Holy Infant of Atocha:

…who listened to her kindly and took her out of her captivity; for in all the time that she had lived there, there was nobody who would defend her, until the Holy Child of Atocha, dressed as a handsome youth, visited her in that prison and gave her some bread in the name of his mother, saying to her that same afternoon she would see the judge and he would take up her case, which caused no little amazement among the rector and the other inmates; and when the time arrived that the Child had named, she was set free.

Mary of Atocha, the former people’s saint, may regrettably have become more conservative in her waning years, but she nonetheless succeeded in giving the world an even more radical son. We should all be so lucky!

It’s actually pretty absurd that I knew nothing about the Holy Infant of Atocha until a few months ago. Once he was on my radar, I soon realized that he’s a pretty standard figure in Mexican and Chicanx Catholicism. But I stumbled into immigration advocacy three years ago knowing next to nothing about Latin American cultures, and even now there are huge gaps in my understanding. My Spanish, too, is still pretty atrocious. I have been working at it for three years, but it’s like speaking through a mouthful of broken glass. I muster my words with pain, and my meaning comes out all mangled. I now feel a strong affinity for all those immigrant grandparents who understand English perfectly and never learn to speak it; I am sure I would be just the same if I were ever to immigrate to a non-English-speaking country. I often feel that any bilingual person, with or without a law degree, could do most of my work a lot better than me. But I am here, so I do my best.

Sometimes I wake up in the mornings very anxious, usually when I have to draft a big court filing or an important request to the asylum office, to try and stop a detained family’s deportation. I come up with soothing little rituals to ease my transition from fretful sleep to focused work. I put on some music. I make a big pot of coffee. I light my Holy Infant of Atocha candle. It’s really because I like the way the candlelight makes me feel, not for superstitious reasons. I’m really not one for good luck charms, astrology, or premonitions. I remember that shortly after Trump first announced the family separation policy this summer—this was when I was still in Massachusetts, getting ready for my move to Texas—I was walking down a familiar street near my home, feeling very disturbed and heartsick. All of a sudden I saw a rabbit on the sidewalk a few feet ahead. It was standing quite still, and it let me walk up close. For a moment the encounter felt almost magical. Then the rabbit loped off, and where it had been, I saw two small baby bunnies lying dead on the pavement. When I bent to look, a little cloud of flies dispersed, then settled again. As omens go, that was some Roman-level bullshit. But I don’t think it was anything but coincidence.

The area of south Texas where I live now is teeming with strange sights, and sometimes everything I see feels pregnant with meaning. The drive from my apartment to the internment camp is only four minutes, but the road is always strewn with strange corpses. A dead dog or house cat is an everyday casualty; but I have also seen bodies of armadillos, bobcats, and javelinas, all mowed down by a speeding truck, or a passenger-bus of incoming detainees, or one of the heavy tankers that barrel continually to and from the nearby oilfields. No waste collection service ever disposes of the animals, so I watch their corpses bloat and distend and then disintegrate over a period of weeks. I have heard a rumor too that there are zebra on one of the ranches around here, flown in and kept in captivity so that deer-weary hunters can have something exotic to shoot. I’ve yet to see an escaped zebra lying dead by the side of the road, but give it time.

Also on the same road as the child internment camp, if you can believe it, there is a Texas state prison. It lies alongside a large ranch, and in front of the jail there’s a field of watermelons. Sometimes in the early morning, on my way into work, I see a group of prisoners in white jumpsuits and white caps, working the watermelon field. Ringed around them are three or four heavily-armed officers on horseback, in case anyone tries anything. The thing is so ludicrous it’s hard to know whether to laugh or cry. It’s as if this tiny town has been selected as a kind of roadside showcase of human cruelty.

(Continue Reading)

[dailyaudiobible]

03/08/2020 DAB Transcript

Numbers 10:1-11:23, Mark 14:1-21, Psalms 51:1-19, Proverbs 10:31-32

Today is the 8th day of March, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it’s great to be here with you as we collectively, like we do at the beginning of each week, mark the fact that everything is new, everything is out in front of us, we’re walking into this new week and we have the opportunity to walk into this new week with God. So, we step through the threshold together into a brand-new week. We’ll read from the Contemporary English Version this week and continue our journeys through the book of…the book of numbers in the Old Testament the book of Mark, the gospel of Mark in the New Testament. So, today numbers chapters 10 verse 1 through 11 verse 23.

Prayer:

Father, thank You for Your word once again and thank You for bringing us here into this new week. And we offer our gratitude. We are truly humbled and grateful that You've allowed us to be together in community and that we together in community can hear from Your word. We are so grateful because Your word does give us the advice for our next step. Your word does give us a context for how to be in this world and we are so grateful for that and it is changing us and we continue to open ourselves completely to You and invite You to continue to lead us forward on the narrow path that leads to life. And we thank You for this. And may we have eyes to see Your guidance we ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, its where you find out what’s going on around here. So, stay tuned and stay connected.

Check out the Community section. That's where the Prayer Wall lives, and the Prayer Wall is such a valuable resource in this community. It’s place that you can go to at any time and can…I mean if you're feeling pretty down and got some stuff facing you nothing can change the atmosphere by turning your focus away from yourself and onto others. And, so, the prayer wall is always…always happening. You can just always go there and find somebody to pray for or maybe you're needing prayer and that is a wonderful place to go and get it. So, check that out.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com as well. There is a link that's living on the homepage. If you use the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment you can hit the Hotline button in the app, the little red button at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi DAB family this is Missy from the Midwest I’m calling in response today to Lori’s call. She talked about how she went on the pilgrimage in 2019 and was baptized by Brian, how she overcame addiction through Jesus Christ and she’s now been six years sober. The story she gave was amazing. So, Lori I just wanted to tell you thank you for calling that in. I have someone in my family that is also very bogged down by demonic oppression along with addiction and I was convicted today to really seek God in prayer for that person and hearing your call really confirmed that. Thank you so much. God bless all.

Hi this is Travis I want to thank Grace who showed me this app. It’s been wonderful and I want to ask everybody who’s…who’s listening to pray for my son Brady. He suffers from absolute epilepsy and it’s a bad case. He has many as 20 seizures a day and he…he really suffers with it and at times he’s questioned God’s love for him in this…doesn’t know…doesn’t understand why this is happening to him and as many of you know seizures and when you have multiple of them they do affect your cognitive ability at some point and Brady has suffered with some of that. So, please pray for my son Brady. And also pray for his brother and mother who suffer with him and for me suffers with him. And one specific prayer request for me is that I not allow the stress of…of all this to cloud my vision and to see that God has so richly blessed us even in the midst of this trial and to help me rule my spirit and to control my spirit when anger and things, resentment bubble up and stress. It’s just a prayer request for…for all of us but most particularly for my son Brady. So, thank you all. Thank you for this broadcast it’s so richly blessed me just in a few days I’ve been listening and I’m spreading the word. Thank you all and thank you for your time in prayer for me and my son and my family.

Hi Daily Audio Bible this is Sierra from Florida I am 24 years old this is like my 18th recording because I keep stumbling over what I’m trying to say. But overall, I just wanted to say how blessed I am, or I feel that I found Daily Audio Bible. I’ve been looking, I been searching for something that I can listen to on the way to work…  have an hour drive to work every day…that goes to the Bible and is engaging and relatable and I just really appreciated Brian’s commentary, but I find especially encouraging the end of each episode when people pray for each other. It makes me cry and I just love it so much. It’s very uplifting and I just wanted to pray blessings for you guys. If I could ask you guys around the community to pray for me. I just became a Christian about a year and half ago maybe. It was October 2018 and God has just been exploding in my life and I feel such a calling. And, so, I felt the call to go into the mission field and I’ve never been out of the country before and in one month I will…I’ve…God pulled through and the funding and everything. In one month, I’ll be going to a missionary school in Mexico and I’ll be three months there through YWAM and three months doing outreach and I have no idea where I’ll be, I’ll be somewhere else in the world, but I’ll be doing missions work for six months. So, I really just wanted some prayer, or I was just wondering if someone would pray for me for just spiritual courage. And I’m just walking totally in faith and I just everyday could use prayer. So, if you guys could pray for me, I would absolutely love that. I would be very blessed. And I just want to bless all of you. Thank you very much for just being there and existing. Have a good day.

Greetings DAB family today is Monday 2 March 2020 this is Daddy’s Dreamer from Tampa or DDFT for short. I’m going through a lot with my preteen children and would appreciate your general prayers regarding me and my kids, but I thought I would give my family greater insight into my callsign. In this season of my life I have taken one Corinthians 2:9 as my life verse – “what no lie is seen no ear has heard and no human heart conceived, God has prepared these things for those who love Him.” I have meditated on this verse and it has brought me such joy. One day we will not have to endure the scientific rules of this world perhaps. As Pink Paint has suggested the Lord may introduce us to new colors, new musical notes and maybe even emotions and a state of mind that would’ve been impossible to experience here on earth. I have a military background and often suggest to my coworkers and compare heaven to possibly be the ultimate mission. It all may sound simple and stupid, but it really does excite me to the core. I love this family and tell everybody that will listen about this community. Keep pressing play new DABbers. This is DDFT. Stay positive and always let His light shine through you. Bye-bye.

Hi this is Tammy in Kentucky and I wanted to call and ask for prayer for everything going on in my life. I have an adopted son from foster care. We’ve ha d him for about 3 ½ years and he’s 17 ½ and this morning we woke up at six something and he had left to go visit his girlfriend who lives an hour and a halfway. I mean, he’s only known her like two weeks. He just constantly finds new girlfriends. And she was diagnosed yesterday with flu and strep. And just…these are the things he does. He’s very impulsive and just never even tells us. Then I get so torn up about because these are not things you should do, and I worry about his actions and what he’s doing. My husband and I stress and fight over this and we have such marital issues. I just don’t know where to turn sometimes and I usually talk to my dad, but my parents died within the past eight months. So, I don’t have that rock to turn to. So, I just feel so alone at times. So, I just need prayer. We need prayer for our adopted son. I want him to follow Jesus and we’ve tried the past three years that he’s been with us but it’s…it’s…I’m hoping we planted a seed for down the road. You know, we want him gone in six months when he turns 18. It’s just not a good situation. So, please pray for us. Thank you. My time is running out.

Good morning DABber family this is Wala the Burning Bush that will not be Devoured for the Glory of our God and King. I just heard a prayer from truly thankful Taylor, and she was praying for stay at home parents. And Taylor as you were praying, my heart is lifted because my mom was a stay-at-home parent and I swear she’s the best mom in the world. And one of the best things in my life was coming home just always knowing that she was always there. And up until now, being a mother myself, my mom is my hero and she is my favorite person in the world. And she passed a couple years ago but she’s still my favorite person in the world. So, I just want to encourage you and let you know that what you’re doing right now, it is a blessing and it is an investment that will not go in vain. And I just want to encourage all to stay at home parents out there, I honestly wish I could afford to stay at home, but I can’t. And, so, I am really like just…kudos to you parents that are stay-at-home and loving your babies and being there for them and offering them what they would not be able…you can’t pay for it…you cannot buy it. Anyway, that’s it. May the Lord bless and keep you. May He cause His face to shine upon you, give you peace. And that prayer is for all my DABber family. Give you peace. May His favor be upon you for a  thousand generations - your children and your children’s children. Love you.

[gamegrumpiess]

Dont Forget About Me PART 2

Hey guysss!!! I kept my promise and gave you a part two of Don't Forget About Me. Buckle up and sit back because there's a lot in this one.

Y/l/n -> your last name

Danny x reader

Warnings? Nah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLASHBACK TO 2015

Y/n’s POV

After I graduated, I ended up moving to California to pursue my voice acting career. But as it turns out, it's much harder than it seems. Not a lot of opportunities pops up right away for an inexperienced voice actress. So I ended up working in a rocker clothing store down the street from my apartment. It actually pays really well and my coworkers are nice as well as my boss.

Today is one of those rare days where it's really fucking slow. There has been no more than five customers all day. That is until four new customers walked in. Three boys and one girl, (looking really no older than me) all laughing and making jokes while walking around, checking out the items. I didn't mind them being kind of loud, it was a nice refresher from the constant heavy metal they play on the radio here. I love rock and roll as much as a coke head loves drugs, but when you listen to the music constantly every day it's nice to take a break.

The female, somewhat shorter than all the boys with long dark purple hair and having a rocking attitude, came up to me. “I love your style! Do you get a discount on all the dope stuff here?” Her voice was a little rough, like she just got over a cold, but still sounded like silk when she spoke. “Dude, rad hair! Is blue your favorite color too?” The tallest boy with long dreadlocks and somewhat smudged eyeliner, wearing a lot of spikes and leather all around his body. He commented on my dark blue hair I just dyed a few days ago. It was nice refresher from my usual h/c.

All four of them looked at my style in awe with wide eyes. “We’re in a band, how would you like to come see how we sound? I'm Tyler, I play the drums.” Tyler points to the tall boy with dreads. “That's Jason. He's lead guitar.” Dreads, who I now know as Jason, walks up to me and shakes my hand. “And then this is Maxwell, the bass guitarist. But we all like to call him Blade.” My curiosity peeked up. “Why do you guys call him Blade?” Blade comes up to me and shows me his switchblade, perfectly sharpened and shiny. It looks like you could cut yourself just by looking at it for too long. “I carry this with me at all times. Never know what kind of crazy people are doing now-a-days.” He explains to me. Finally, the girl speaks up to me. “I'm Claudia. I'm the girl who does all the screamo in the band because I can't sing for shit.” She says with a cute smile on her face. None of them look any older than me, but I guess no one can really be sure.

“I'd love to check you guys out. What's the name of your band?” Tyler perks up, “It's called Toxic Nightmare! We made it when we were all in high school. We've been struggling to really get our music out there, and we have a pretty decent big fan-base, but we always wanna do better. So it would mean a lot to us if you gave us your opinion?” I nodded with a smile. “I'm down! My shift ends in about 20 minutes, would you guys be willing to wait until then and I can tell you guys then?” They all nodded in agreement. Little did I know, that would be the day when my life got way better.

BACK TO PRESENT 2018

That same day, we all went to their rehearsal area so I could hear them play. Although I did like the way Claudia sounded since she put so much passion and emotions into her screaming, I thought it could use some actual singing. Sadly none of them knew anyone who knew how to sing, so Claudia had the idea to have me try and sing. Turns out, my singing voice with her screaming sounds really awesome. Next thing I knew, I was officially part of Toxic Nightmare as the new lead singer. All of us have grown insanely close. I really consider Tyler, Jason, Blade, and Claudia as my family.

Since i've joined TN, we've really blown up in terms of getting our music out there in the world. It feels like so long since I've met them, as if I've been with them my entire life. My mom and step dad enjoy my music, which is insane considering they're devoted Christians. Jacob, now that he's older says him and his friends listen to our music as well.

I hear my phone ringing, my mother's specific ringtone I put for her a year ago. Her favorite song she dedicated to me when I was 7.

"Helloooo?" I hear movement, and then my mother's voice through the microphone. "Y/n!! How are you, my daughter? What time is your flight?" I smile to myself, thinking how I can't wait to spend the holidays with my family. Well, the ones that care about me anyway. My biological fathers side of the family disowned me after they found out what I do for a living now. And most of my mom's side of the family doesn't really talk to me as much anymore. "I'll be there by tomorrow at 8:00 in the morning." I fill her in on all that's happened this week. We have a new tour coming up in 2019, all around America. We also made sure that our last stop in the tour is in New Jersey, so my brother can come to our concert since itd be close to his birthday. "Oh! Y/n, Debra and Avi are going to spend the holidays with us! Daniel is coming here as well. Have you talked to him at all?"

I shake my head, somewhat forgetting she can't see me. "In all honesty, mom, no. I've tried to contact him a lot, but his number changed and I really don't want to go asking Avi and Debbie his number. I feel like that's kinda creepy." She takes a bite out of her food before answering. "Well at least you'll see him soon, you can catch up with him then," I hear yelling and movement in the background. "Okay hun, your brother and his girlfriend is here, I'll talk to you soon! Much love to the others."

She hangs up the phone and I sit there for a few more minutes. Dan's gonna be there. I'll get to see him after all these years. The last time I saw him was so long ago, I think about three years on the fourth of July. We talked for a bit, his girlfriend at the time took a dislike to me the minute she saw me, so I didn't have much time to talk to him. I know he's finally living the dream he's always had, and I'm more than proud of what he's doing. I listen to music during the times when I have a breather, which is pretty rare since I'm part of TN. Now that I think really hard about Dan, I remember how much I liked him when I was younger. All those years ago having this huge crush on his lanky, dorky self. Before my mind can go any farther, I force myself to go finish packing everything I need to go for the next two weeks. I hope and pray everything goes well, Im excited to see Avi and Debbie, and Dana, and Dan.. focus, y/n. You'll have time to daydream on the plane.

DAN

"I appreciate you picking my up from the airport, Mrs y/l/n. I thought it'd be a nice surprise to my parents for the holidays." She shakes her hand at me with a smile on her face. "I don't mind, son. You know I consider you part of the family. I have to pick up y/n at the airport tomorrow morning too." My head shoots up at the mention of her name. "Y/n's coming?" She raises an eyebrow and gives a small smirk. "Well yes. She took some time off to come here. Her last time off before her big tour coming up. She's been working so hard, I'm glad she's taking a break. Especially with us." I nod my head, slowly zoning out and daydreaming about seeing her again.

Before I know it, we're home. I thank Mrs y l n once again and give her hug before making my way back to my house, which is still across the street.

TOMORROW MORNING

I wake up at 7, which is insanely early for me. Mrs y l n should be leaving to pick y n up soon. I can't stress how proud I am of her. Toxic Nightmare is one of my favorite bands. I even showed Arin and Brian some of there songs. Y n's voice is like heaven, and her band mates are all super talented. Everytime I have a chance I listen to their songs, watch their music videos, I've even seen some interviews they've done. (Only real true fans know that her and I were really close back in the day.) She's grown into a beautiful woman, amazing voice, beautiful body, a hard-working mindset. In all honesty I've grown to be a fanboy for her. She's funny, too. She's been featured in several YouTubers videos and she's made me laugh each time. Arin likes to tease me about my little crush on her. But trust me, I can't be blamed. She's practically my dream woman.

I've zoned out so much, I didn't realize Mrs y l n getting in her car and driving away. She's told me she sees me and y n getting together. I mean, I wouldn't mind that. These two weeks are gonna be a hell of a ride...

TO BE CONTINUED ONCE AGAIN

[mannatea]

The latest chapter is bugging me and I was hoping to vent. I feel like the message of “war is bad, killing people is bad” is being handled in such a ham fisted way by isayama. I understand what he’s trying to do but it just feels so forced. For example Zootopia did an amazing job of taking a complex subject and making it clear enough for children to understand but weaving it into a good story too. SNK seems to be making that attempt for young adults, but it’s failing. Do you have any thoughts?

I always have thoughts! Sorry this took so long.

Zootopia has flaws! Glaring flaws! In fact, Zootopia has one of the same flaws that SnK has: the oppressed are feared because they used to have power over their oppressors. Right at the beginning of the film, they say: predators used to eat prey. So predators like Nick really did used to eat prey like Judy. This isn’t contestable, it isn’t arguable. It’s the backstory right there in the canon. 

SnK has a little more wiggle room here, because our information comes from characters, not the narrative (or even an accepted historical perspective): we’re meant to believe that, more or less, the Eldians once had power over the rest of the world, and now, regardless of how they used that power and because of it, they are oppressed themselves.

What’s changed? Nothing, it’s just that the originally oppressed (Prey, Marley/rest-of-the-world) have gathered together the resources and means necessary to oppress, thus flipping the script. 

And like, no matter how you look at it, the flipped script is both awful and understandable. This holds up better in SnK than it does in Zootopia, but SnK has been dragging on for years and Zootopia is a children’s movie that had a two hour block of time. So okay, in Zootopia, again, the predators ate the prey, but then they all developed Intelligence and stopped eating each other, but the predators didn’t develop blunt teeth or lack of claws, so the prey still feel like there’s something to be feared, there. In SnK, the Eldians can turn into mindless gigantic monsters that literally crush, stomp, kick, and eat everyone in their path, and to the average human being are invincible. Fear? Understandable. Oppressing them because they’re different? Awful, not to mention wrong…but not like…hard to understand.

Again, Zootopia ran into the SAME problem that SnK did with its comparisons. Both, brought into the real world to use with real world comparisons, would sound like this:

The Jewish people oppressed their German neighbors and the Germans retaliated and put them in Camps and killed them off by the thousands so that they wouldn’t have to fear being oppressed again themselves. This is, like, weird revenge for stuff that happened in the Bible, like when the Jews took the Canaan Land.

(HI IT’S ME, there’s some kind of essay comparison thing betweeen SnK and the walls of Jericho I’m sure.)

Black men and women were in a position of power over white men and women so the white men and women shackled them and dragged them across the ocean out of fear for their own lives, and like, let them live and stuff, but only as slaves (who were treated as less valuable than cattle). Oh, and I guess you can keep aspects of your culture but only the parts that aren’t scary to us. And also become Christian so you’re less terrifying!!

Women were once the oppressors of men. We’ve been put in our place.

Do you see how legitimately gross this is? The idea that an oppressed people did something to terrify other nations into doing the oppressing? There is always a reason for everything that happens, and by that I’m not quoting bullshit Christianity rhetoric that is intended to make your grandma feel better when Aunt Susie dies; I mean CAUSE AND EFFECT. It’s easy to stir up hatred, okay? It’s not hard. You see it now. “Those brown people are stealing our jobs!!!” We all know someone, or ten someones, or a hundred, who believe that shit–who believe that Hispanic men and women are illegally in the USA stealing “American” jobs. And for a much quieter, less overt version of this, we have the white vegans who get mad if you try and explain to them that their lifestyle is understandable up to the point where they’re fine with brown men and women working as slaves to produce their food all in the name of “lol protecting animals.” Racism and misogyny aren’t always overt, and in fact…usually are not. Nobody who has been oppressed deserved it; nobody who has been oppressed was once the big bad oppressor, either.

All right, so moving on.

Zootopia’s comparisons are more clearly across the board. Judy, a prey animal, becomes a cop, a predator position, and is deterred by her parents/friends/new coworkers for various reasons that are clearly an allusion to misogyny. It’s commenting on anti-women attitudes. “That’s a man’s job.” “I’m going to give you my shit work because you’re a woman.” “I’m going to give you unreasonable parameters to work within because it’s funny to do that to women working in a man’s field.” Oh, and my favorite: “You work here but we’re going to give you the job here that we reserve for women.” And it’s not just the obvious people either, like Judy’s supervisor or her direct coworkers. Clawhauser doesn’t exactly come to Judy’s defense even though he’s kind to her, and Nick mocks Judy openly multiple times.

But wait, there’s more: Nick as a little boy wanted to join the Junior Ranger Scouts! It’s a prey-only group, mostly, where you’re taught how to protect yourself (it seems to be the idea, since prey is generally less capable of this). But when Nick was finally able to enroll, he wasn’t welcome and was bullied instantly (in a manner meant to discourage him from ever coming back). The situation is generally black and white: predators bully prey, prey bully predators. We don’t see a lot of instances of like bullying like (even though it probably happens in certain circumstances).

Nick’s joining the scouts also brings up poverty, as Nick’s family seems to have been very poor and his mother had to scrape the money together just to buy the uniform (probably contributing to feelings of guilt and shame when it ended up being obvious to Nick later that he wasn’t welcome there). And also something-something single parent.

SnK jumped face-first into “like bullying like” but only because Isayama stacked the deck that way from the start (and had time to do it): Oppressed Eldians vs. Walldians is what I mean, here. So we see Eldians who hate Marleyans, Marleyans (and the rest of the world) who hate Eldians, and then we see Eldians hurting each other, too (because they’ve been brainwashed into doing so and/or to protect themselves). We even get half-Marleyan Reiner, who isn’t wanted by his Marleyan father, but that seems to be more out of fear of getting hung (and/or hatred of Reiner’s manipulative mother) than anything.

Those are just a couple of examples. Both Zootopia and SnK deal with a similar type of issue and try to comment on things like racism, but only Zootopia openly comments on misogyny and poverty (which are both things very clearly related when you’re talking about racism parallels), not to mention internalized racism (which is still racism but exists more quietly, even in good people like Judy).

Where Zootopia excelled isn’t the broken-down simplified version of racism. It’s the story. It’s engaging. It’s fun. SnK started out that way! But now, as a whole, it feels disjointed and incomplete. There are long lulls of SnK where I feel bored and the characters/events transpiring feel meaningless.

I’m definitely not going to say that Zootopia is an objectively a better piece of media than SnK, because it isn’t. As I said earlier, it has its issues. They fell into the same pitfall that SnK did with “the oppressed were once themselves oppressors.” And if you look really hard at it and squint a lot, there are things to critique that you probably hadn’t considered before: like Gazelle’s dancers being shirtless predator men

And we can’t really say it’s fair to compare a two hour simplified metaphor for racism/misogyny/“they’re different than I am” intended for an audience of about eight years old to a teen+ rated manga that has been going on for literal years and has been published monthly that entire time.

(Try updating a story once a month for years and see how good the whole thing ends up being. Get back to me with a laundry list of embarrassing mistakes you made and massive regrets. You’ll have them. Trust me.)

Zootopia pretty much did “racism and misogyny are bad” and succeeded. It was a fairly successful film that was way, way better than anyone expected it to be (considering we mostly knew it as “the furry movie” due to the trailers being wildly stupid), but again: 2 hours and aimed at children. You can’t really  simplify racism and misogyny and poverty into a two hour film and you definitely can’t do it flawlessly. They get points for trying, though, and for creating a piece of media that I personally related to and enjoyed (particularly from the angle of a woman working in fields dominated by men).

SnK is doing a lot of…something. I think “racism is bad” is an intention but it’s very long and drawn out and plastered onto the backdrop of a war and brainwashing and, what, centuries of oppression? Shit’s convoluted as hell and there’s no room left to talk about misogyny and poverty, even though they’re part of the series in many ways, and even though IMO these things are impossible to fully separate from the topic of racism. Add to this the attempt to write a narrative commentary on war and grey morality with a fantasy/gore aspect and you’ve kind of accidentally ruined the intention of the racism message far more than Zootopia ever did. Zootopia’s kind of like, “so hey thousands of years ago predators and prey weren’t intelligent so in our pre-caveman days we were enemies but once we developed brains we were like WTF? and stopped doing that.” SnK’s like, “well so it wasn’t really that long ago BUT the eldians oppressed everyone and we’re scared of being killed by them so we keep them in internment camps lol.”

SnK could yet surprise us by telling us that anyone can turn into a titan, and IMO that’s the ONLY way to save the racism metaphor that the series seems to be going for. LITERALLY the only way. It won’t make it perfect, but it’ll save it from being a colossal failure. “They’re oppressed now because they used to oppress us” is disgusting and vile and honestly kind of scary; that’s not a thing and a wildly successful series like SnK putting that message out into the world is terrifying. “They’re oppressed because we’re greedy fucks who lied and covered it up with a reason” not only makes a LOT of sense (see: only Marley deals with Eldia, nobody else does, it’d be easy to lie about it), but it’s a clear real-world parallel.

Right now, though…SnK has basically failed to fully address “racism is bad”—at least in a satisfying and inoffensive way.

And then of course, as Anon said, we have the war to talk about. Greed is a huge part of this and not very discussed. (Greed being about monetary greed, power, land, resources, et cetera.) I don’t know if SnK is actively trying to say war is bad or not; the narrative seems to be painting Eren in a bad light, but if I were (general) you, I wouldn’t take that very seriously. Isayama is notorious at this point for manipulating the narrative to fit what he wants you to see/take away from things. Otherwise, his idea of a plot twist wouldn’t work. ;P

Anyway, the latest chapter’s “killing people is bad” thing would come across a lot better, in my opinion, if there wasn’t already so much going on. Zootopia could condense its subject easily due to its 2 hour block, smallish cast, and simplified world. 111 chapters into SnK and there’s just no way anything is capable of being simple anymore. Is 111 trying to talk about “war is bad and killing is bad” or is it talking about revenge or the folly of anger? The Count of Monte Cristo did revenge so well nobody else will ever top it (so it might be unfair to expect SnK to), and even a GBA Fire Emblem game did anger better in a few lines of text.

I’m always down for picking apart something large like SnK but it is my opinion that the series is just too big, the cast too large, and the story too convoluted and folded over on itself, to make anything satisfyingly simple. There just aren’t enough panels to let Mikasa talk about why she protected Gabi, or to get into Kaya’s head so that we understand how she felt right before she tried to stab Gabi, or even what Mr. and Mrs. Braus were thinking when they found out this little girl killed Sasha.

It has to be simplified for space and time constraints, just like Zootopia did, but on a scale Zootopia didn’t have to deal with–and probably wouldn’t hold up under, if I had to guess.

So that leaves us with Zootopia handling things nicely because it only had to hold up for two hours of non-critical thought/viewership with just a handful of characters (in possession of the added bonus of being planned and edited before publication), and SnK flailing around a bit in some areas, and badly in others, because it’s trying to hold up over 111 chapters of content and well over 100 characters while being written pretty much on the fly.

I mean, it sucks! But it makes sense. Themes are going to have to be ham-fisted if they’re going to fit into SnK. At this point the series doesn’t have the luxury of time to spread it out.

[exxar1]

Episode 3: “The Unexamined Life” Part 2

10/25/2020

This blog entry was supposed to be a direct continuation of the last one. I was going to continue the therapy session but, instead of Patrick Stewart and Chris Evans, it would be God sitting in the armchair across from the couch. He would be played by Morgan Freeman, of course, but not because he did actually play the role of God in “Bruce Almighty”. I’ve always thought of Morgan Freeman as that wise, curmudgeonly old grandfather who’s always nearby when you need a peppermint or some necessary advice. He seems genuinely loving, patient and kind, but he won’t put up with any of your bullshit either. He’ll gladly listen to all your complaining and ranting, nodding every once in awhile and giving an affirmative “uh-huh”, then tell you exactly what he thinks, whether you like it or not, and then send you on your way with a fresh cup of coffee and a maple bar.

But, after some consideration, I decided to nix the whole therapy scene, and just get to the point. There is such a thing in the writer’s room as running a metaphor – or an idea – into the ground, and this seemed like a perfect example of that. In the last couple weeks since I wrote Part 1, I’ve been thinking about what I wrote, and I realized I needed to start this episode by clarifying a couple things.

1. My relationship with my parents and my brothers is very good. In fact, we as a family are very close, and that’s something I have treasured for many years. Yes, we have our issues and our share of dysfunction, just like any other family. But I also feel that our family is a bit different from most other adult families in that we all genuinely love one another and we sincerely look forward to those times when we are all together in person. I have never understood why so many of my friends, colleagues, coworkers and/or acquaintances over the years have dreaded the holidays. They have complained to me on various occasions that they really aren’t looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas because they have to spend time with their parents or siblings whom they don’t get along with.

I have never experienced this. Thanksgiving and Christmas are my favorite times of the year. I look forward to going home to spend time with my parents, my brothers, their wives, and all my nieces and nephews. We have a wonderful time, and yes, there have been one or two years where some of us had some arguments and/or minor disagreements over this or that. But we never allowed those conflicts to interfere with our time together, and we always came back from those times stronger as a family and celebrating our love for God and for one another.

My parents, in particular, have always set an example for us boys of what God’s love should be towards not only one another but the world as well. They taught us what it meant to be a good citizen in the world, and how to properly love and respect those that we meet in our travels through this life. They taught us right from wrong, and I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having grown up in a loving, Christian home. Yes, my childhood was filled with a lot of conflict – mainly between me and my brothers. I also fought with my parents as a teenager over the typical adolescent stuff – music, TV, church, rules, curfews, etc. etc. All of this is normal for any family and also a standard part of growing up. What made it unique for me was struggling with my homosexuality as a teenager and not being able to talk about that with anyone in my family, my friends or my church. In retrospect, I think that if I’d had someone I could have gone to and opened up with about my struggle, I wouldn’t have had such a difficult adolescence.

The main reason I feel a need to clarify this right now is because I don’t want you, the reader, to think that I still resent my parents – or my father in particular – for what was said or done regarding this issue when I was a kid. That line from my father about homosexuals was used to illustrate a point, but I don’t think he feels that strongly about it today. I will admit that he and I have never directly discussed this, but I know that both my parents have always loved and accepted me, no matter what. They still do. In fact, the two of them could teach a thing or two to many other parents of gays and lesbians of my generation about what it means to truly accept your child even though you believe that their sexual preference and/or lifestyle choice is not in line with God’s will.

The same goes for my brothers. I love them more than life itself, and I would gladly give my own life for theirs without a second thought, if necessary. One of my very few, genuine regrets in my life thus far is how terribly and cruelly I treated my brothers when I was a teenager. I should have been a friend and a mentor to them, especially Chad and Caleb, but I wasn’t. I constantly told them how I wished I had been an only child, and I was always mocking and making fun of all three of them every chance I got. My teen years, especially, were rather harsh for all four of us, as I lashed out at my brothers with all my own hurt and pain at not fitting in at school and not being able to share with anyone my struggle over my own sexuality.

But, thank God, in the years following high school, as all of us became adults and made our own ways in the world, the loving home that our parents had created for us seeped into our hearts and our souls, taking root there in ways none of us ever realized. The four of us eventually reconnected as adults, little bits here and there over time, until we came back together as close as any brothers could ever be. I can’t even tell you exactly how or where this transformation took place. It was just many little things over time – text messages, emails, phone calls, spending time together during the holidays, etc. There was also other major life events such as weddings, having kids, getting divorced and remarried, graduating college, and just life in general. All of these things have a way of reminding one how important a family is and, especially, not to take it for granted. I have met many different people in my time in this world – my short time in the Army, from college, and from my many different jobs – and it never ceases to amaze or humble me when I have learned that many of those people did not have it as good as I did when I was a kid. Many of them hate their parents and haven’t spoken to them in years. Same for their siblings. Some have been through divorce and never see their own kids, while others grew up as the only child and they’ve told me how lonely that is.

So, to sum up this point, I treasure my family as the greatest gift God has given me, and I don’t want them – or you – to come away from this blog thinking otherwise. :-)

2. In that same vein, I also became close friends with most of those classmates who did tease and make fun of me when were in elementary school. And while they weren’t so cruel and mean in junior high and high school, I didn’t make it easy for them to like me when I was a teenager. I did cause a lot of my own troubles because of my social awkwardness and my painful attempts to fit in with the “cool kids”. As I stated in the last episode, I did eventually realize that I needed to stop trying so hard and just do my own thing. Once that happened, somewhere in my sophomore year, if I recall correctly, everything else kind of just fell into place, and those other nine people in my graduating class are still friends with me today. (We just had our 20 year reunion, in fact, three years ago.)

And now, to the main point of this week’s episode: I’ve been thinking about why I’ve been feeling so lonely now, at this point in my adult life, and how that relates to what I experienced in my adolescence. One of the realizations I came to three weeks ago was that because of all the teasing, the bullying, and the social anxiety that I experienced as a young kid and, later, as an adolescent, I built a wall about myself to protect me from the pain and anger at not fitting in. And again, that conclusion seems rather obvious now, but it hadn’t been obvious to me all these years. Or maybe I had been aware of it on a subconscious level all this time, but only now did I decide to finally address it directly.

Whatever the case, that realization also led to another one: I have had no interest in a romantic relationship with anyone because it means I would have to let someone inside the wall. There’s probably other reasons for why I’ve never been interested in getting a boyfriend, but that’s probably the main one. And when I was young, I was fine with this. As I said before, that decision in high school to stop trying so hard to fit in and just do my own thing has served me quite well all these years. And I believe that I have been truly happy being on my own. I have never felt like I needed another person to complete me. I have always felt whole and complete in and of myself.

But here’s the funny thing about getting older, and this is a realization that I came to just in the last few days. For the last couple months or so, I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out why not being in a relationship is suddenly bothering me so much. And then, in the last couple days, it finally hit me: I am not the same man now that I was when I made that decision 20 years ago.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: well, duh. 20 years has passed. Of course you’re not the same person you were back then.

Yes, I hear you, but now let me explain. One feature of aging that no one has ever told me about is that you start questioning and re-thinking a lot of desires, passions, beliefs and/or commitments that you had, until now, pretty much taken for granted. My desire to live life as a professionally single person is a perfect example of this. When I was in college, I had more fun just playing the field and not making a commitment to any one person. That’s typical for every young person, no matter your sexual preference. But, at some point in our mid to late twenties, most of us end up meeting that one guy or girl who causes us to rethink our position on the whole “professionally single” issue. We fall madly in love, in other words, and we then realize we don’t want to spend the rest of our lives alone.

That never happened for me. I have never, in my whole life, even up to the present, ever met that one guy who has completely turned my world upside down. The subject of almost every rock anthem and pop diva love song has never happened to me. I have no clue what falling in love actually feels like. I have heard it discussed and described many times by friends and family. I have sung along to many great  love songs and anthems by every major recording artist since Elvis Presley. I have read and discussed the love poetry and sonnets of the many greats in classical western literature in many of my English courses throughout my academic career. I have watched several of the greats of the romantic comedy category at Blockbuster over the years, and while most of them are terrible, there are a few that I still have in my own DVD library that I have occasionally pulled out to reminisce with.

But I have never, ever in my whole life ever been “twitterpated” as goes the classic line from Bambi. And that’s never been a problem for me. I never cared. In fact, I considered it a strength. I have never had to waste money on flowers, candy, jewelry, romantic weekend getaways, or any of the other crap that boyfriends and girlfriends spend on each other just for the chance at maybe getting laid. If I ever got horny enough, all I’ve needed to do is text one of the few regulars in my phone book. Sex without any of the trappings of a relationship has always been the best kind of sex in my book. Nor have I had to deal with any of the drama that comes with a relationship. All that fighting, then compromising, then forgiveness, and then repeating that process over and over has never been my cup of tea. In fact, I’ve never understood why a relationship was worth all that trouble in the first place.

But, once again, we’re back at the present, and I’m now 42 years old. And, for some reason, I’m looking around at all the people in my life – and on social media – that are happily married and/or in a relationship, and, all of sudden, that just drives me fucking crazy. And maybe, on a subconscious level, this is why I created a profile on Tinder back in June. As you’ll recall from episode 2, “Alfred” (not his real name) and I hit it off pretty well, and we had a pretty good first date, to boot. And things seemed to go pretty well up until a month ago when he suddenly ghosted me. Or, maybe, I ghosted him first. In any case, it appears to have been mutual, and now I’m even more annoyed than before at being single.

Which brings me to that big revelation I alluded to earlier about aging. I just recently realized how much we change throughout our adult lives as we get older. Those passions and desires and things that interest us and consume our time when we’re in our twenties are not necessarily the same passions, desires, and things that we care about in our forties, or our fifties, or our sixties. We as people are not just flesh and blood. We are conscious, thinking, emotional, intellectual human beings, and the parts of us that make us who we are are those passions, desires, interests, and things that we care about. It’s what makes you you.

Some of those qualities can be defined as hobbies or interests, the things that we do in our spare time or what we’re passionate about in life. The fact that I have always been a science fiction fan, for example, or my writing. Other qualities can be emotional, or intellectual, or parts of us that aren’t necessarily physical. The fact that I’m gay, for example; or that I love to read, or that I’m an introvert, or that I once used to be an Atheist.

In other words, those things that make up who we are as an individual human being, that define us to the world and to other people around us, are not always constant or unchanging. And that’s what I had never realized until now. I have always been happy living my life on my own, by my own terms, and I found peace in being alone. I have never felt the need to have that “special someone” in my life, but now, for reasons I cannot explain, I’m no longer content with that. I think this is why so many people at this point in their mid-lives have a crisis. They buy a new car or get divorced or change careers. Perhaps my loneliness is nothing more than a mid-life crisis?

Maybe. I think that’s oversimplifying it a bit, but it does make a kind of sense. I’ve been questioning everything else in my life – and the world around me – at this point, why not this?

And maybe this does have something to do with my recent religious conversion. Does God no longer want me to be single? Does he have someone in mind to be my companion? I don’t know. I’m still exploring my new relationship with God, so I can’t really say for sure at this point.

What I will say for sure is this: I am NOT going to find that special someone online. I am done with all the dating apps and websites. They’re a waste of time. For now, I have made some peace with being single. It doesn’t bother me as much as it did a few weeks ago. So I’m not in a hurry to meet that “special guy”. If it does happen, though, we’ll end up meeting in real life, face to face. Which means that my only opportunity for this is at work, because I have no social life.

That’s it for now, folks. Once again, I wrote far more than I planned, but this feels good. And if you’ve read all of this, and if it’s helped you in some way, then I’m glad.

Until next time…

[woodworkingpastor]

The Joy of Giving--2 Corinthians 8:1-15--Sunday, October 18, 2020

Opening Blessing

My prayer for you this morning is that, following the pattern of Jesus we will each learn to

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37, 39).

May it be said of us that we

do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but [are transformed] by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2).

As Paul has already said to the Corinthians at another point in this letter,

So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new! (2 Corinthians 5:17).

The Witness of the Early Church

I have become increasingly interested in early Christian history over the last number of years and am already looking forward to a year from now when the Christian History course comes around again in the Christian Growth Institute. One of the peculiar aspects of the early church (from the New Testament era to the rise of Emperor Constantine) was the extremely rigorous catechumenate—the time of training and instruction that preceded someone’s baptism. I use the word “peculiar” on purpose, because of how differently these Christian leaders viewed this time of pre-baptismal training.  In today’s church, we tend to operate with a very low bar for baptism and membership; we try to be as open and as welcoming as we can, believing that if we get people into the church, their beliefs will change.

But Christians in the second and third centuries approached this question of evangelism and conversion from the other side: the church would not baptize people in hopes that they will change thereafter.  The church grew because it required commitment to an unpopular God who didn’t require people to perform cultic acts correctly but instead equipped them to live in a way that was richly unconventional.

And so you can imagine a scenario: one of your coworkers notices that you are different from others around you and they begin to ask questions about your behavior and your beliefs.  You tell them about the church, about Jesus, about the Gospel, and they begin to express an interest in the Gospel. The next step is that you bring them to the church for an interview; most of the questions would be for you.  The pastor or deacon conducting the interview wants to know if this person is teachable.  Would your friend hear the Gospel and change their behavior in light of the church’s rejection of idolatry, adultery, and killing?  Would they leave behind jobs that required them to dishonor what the church taught? And, importantly, what was their attitude toward the poor?  Were they willing to simplify their lives so they would have more to share?  Because the church was a poor community, were they helping the poor?

This might seem like a lot to take in, because it is quite a bit different from how we approach the issue.  But one thing we can’t argue with is the effectiveness of this approach.  Numbers certainly vary, but some estimate that at about the time of Paul’s letter to the Corinthians there were maybe 1,400 Christians in the entire world.  100 years later, that number is thought to be 40,000.  150 years later (300 AD) it is estimated that there were nearly 6 million Christians in the world.

Paul’s challenge in Corinth

This issue of transformation is one way of understanding Paul’s problem with the Corinthian congregation, especially as it surrounded the love offering.

By the end of 1 Corinthians—and judging by some of Paul’s comments in 2 Corinthians—it seems clear that this church had eagerly committed to participate in the love offering for the Christians in Jerusalem.  Their enthusiasm was so great that someone like a Todd Marcum or Michael Craighead could have used them in a marketing campaign to encourage other churches to give too; and this is largely what happened.  Paul visited the churches of Macedonia, told them about the need, bragged on the promises and enthusiasm shown by Corinth, and stirred up even more money for Jerusalem.  But now some months later, Paul learns that this is not the case.  The Corinthians hadn’t followed through on their promises.

You can imagine his dilemma.  The Corinthians lack of follow through put Paul in a precarious situation, calling into question his own credibility as well as the credibility of the entire project, and even the Gospel itself:

How would he be able to bring together people from different backgrounds as one church if he could not even get people to agree on a love offering?

Paul’s appeal to grace

And so Paul does what he so often does in his letters: he appeals to the transforming power of grace.

Look at the Macedonians, Paul says.  They received God’s grace “during a severe ordeal of affliction.” The Greek reads literally

in much proof of tribulation…they abounded into the riches of generosity.

I like how Eugene Peterson translates this verse in The Message even more:

Fierce troubles came down on the people of those churches, pushing them to the very limit. The trial exposed their true colors: They were incredibly happy, though desperately poor. The pressure triggered something totally unexpected: an outpouring of pure and generous gifts.

This is what grace does—it transforms us into something different than we were before.  This fall Lynette and I we were blessed to witness the metamorphosis of several Monarch butterflies.  We saw two caterpillars on a bush in front of the house; we noticed one day they had assumed the characteristic “J” shape as they hung from a branch; we saw the cocoons—especially as they became transparent just before the butterflies emerged.  One day a few weeks ago I realized I’d left my lunch at home.  This turned out to be a blessing because when I got home I noticed a brand new Monarch butterfly sitting right next to the cocoon.  

But what was even more amazing was that we only knew of two cocoons; but we probably saw five or six butterflies.  One was even in our house; apparently, its cocoon was on a plant Lynette brought in; our only knowledge of it was when I came downstairs and found a Monarch sitting on the recliner!

Our own transformation in grace is no less significant.  One of the amazing things about grace is that it transforms our standing before God.  Paul wrote to the congregations of Ephesus that

God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved (Ephesians 2:5).

But at this specific point in 2 Corinthians Paul has another lesson about grace—a lesson that would change the outlook they had toward life and money and others.  The Macedonians knew poverty in their bones, but they had come to understand grace in their soul, and grace won out.  We should wrestle with that a bit—knowing that you lived on the razors edge of having enough, yet discovering a new generosity in your heart to share what little you have with people whose only connection to you is the faith you have in Jesus. The Macedonians embodied what Jesus said in response to the question of the greatest commandment: loving God and loving neighbor are inseparable aspects of our life in Christ.  Grace is what gets us there.

Grace led the Macedonians to pattern their lives after Jesus:  

For you know the generous act of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that by his poverty you might become rich (2 Corinthians 8:9).

We encounter a number of magnificent affirmations of Jesus’ lordship throughout the New Testament; our Call to Worship this morning touched on several of them.  You’ll notice that what Paul says about Jesus here is not the humble hymn of Jesus’ self-emptying from Philippians 2, and it is not the magnificent hymn of praise exalting the cosmic Christ, ruler over all of creation in Colossians 1.  Paul’s affirmation here is what I might call “blue-collar Christology:” a down to earth affirmation of what it means to be loved by our Savior, who entered into our very real circumstances, met us where we are, and then turned us to look outwardly to others.

Pledge cards

That’s a lot of theology to put on a pledge card, isn’t it?  Maybe you thought it was just about supporting the church budget that we’ll discuss in a few minutes at Council Meeting.  But just like there is more going on in Paul’s emphasis on the love offering, there is a lot more going in our giving.

Next Sunday we will receive our pledge cards back as an aspect of our worship. But as we conclude our worship time this morning, I want to ask a different question:

What is written on the pledge card of your heart?

Is your attitude like the Corinthians, growing a bit lackadaisical and lukewarm because other issues are battling against God’s grace in your heart? Or is it more like that of the Macedonians who gave eagerly and generously in spite of their poverty?  The money and the 2021 budget will be taken care of; I have little concern with that. The greater issue is always our eagerness to follow Jesus wherever and however he leads.

[violetsystems]

#personal

I’ve really forgotten at this point when or where this all started in terms of lockdown.  I went to New York for my birthday mid February and that’s when it started to slide downhill.  The city has been officially locked down since mid March.  One of those more interesting things to see is how we get drowned out by the rest of the country.  As far as liberating times in the city of Chicago, things have been less aggravating than they’ve ever been.  People here have read my posts and know what kinds of things I speak about.  It’s pretty obvious that I harbor some pretty complex ideas about anarchy and freedom.  Looking back at all the years I’ve lived in Chicago isn’t some rosy reflection for me.  I wasn’t always a strong enough person to stand up for myself.  Or when I did it wasn’t very graceful.  If you leave people to themselves to make their own mistakes they will eventually learn to move past or drown in them.  I’m an only child and have always been very hard on myself.  I was picked on and isolated for everything from my weight to my intelligence for years.  I moved to Chicago years ago to be closer to culture.  I grew up in suburbs where the only creative outlet was to hang out at Denny’s until four in the morning.  Punk shows and raves happened but always under the threat of being hassled by police or extremist recruiters.  These days I roll out of bed to the kitchen which acts as the only office I’ve ever had with windows.  My life resembles more William Gibson novel than Clive Barker.  I’ve had the same job for two decades now.  It’s only in the last few weeks where I’ve realized that I’m more vital.  And at the same time I feel just as forgotten as I was.  An invisible ghost in the machine.  The perks of being able to do what you want without second thought.  Spending years explaining the motives behind them without ever really saying it outright.  My own subculture has grown around the fuzzy edges.  I have always loved computers.  My mom told me recently she had a premonition when I was young.  That I needed to be around computers.  Before we even had one.  My dad brought home an old apple with a modem on day from work.  It was a brick.  It was so he could work from home.  Years later I can’t get away from them.  Computers that is.  Last night my dad and his wife facetimed me for the very first time.  It was a big deal for them.  For me it was just another day in my kitchen on camera.  Still me.  My parents and my coworkers are about the only people I socialize with on video.  Everybody knows my writing is how I connect to people.  That’s why nothing has ever changed much emotionally for me down here.  Just a far more stable connection on all levels.  Chicago to a fault these days.  The coffee still gets delivered.  Monday is still April 20th.  I’ve forgotten what it feels like to worry about it all for once in my life.  

If you ask me if I worry, it’s true I do.  Not about dying or anything.  That’s fucking stupid to worry about in my mind.  How many times have I lived through miraculous bullshit?  I can’t even count or remember at this point.  I’m resilient for sure.  I’m sure everybody knows how mature I am.  I don’t dye my fucking grey hair or anything.  I don’t even really like going on camera anymore for social media.  The audience is like a void to me.  It has never returned anything except stray likes and the illusion of care.  I’ve written what I’ve wanted to say here for years.  And some of the most beautiful and amazing people in the world have read this.  I find anybody who is patient enough to sift through my prose to be a genuine enough person.  But I have always been a writer.  I used to run a poetry zine in high school.  It had the painfully edgy titled “Emotional Anarchy.”  I almost got expelled from a christian high school because of it.  Though it was mostly gibberish.  I studied English and Psychology at a suburban college in Romeoville, Illinois.  College was definitely culture for me.  I ended up running a radio show in the middle of the night for years.  Nobody listened.  Inmates maybe.  Years later people in Shanghai on the other side of the world bring up college in casual conversation.  Turns out the connections go beyond cool shit.  It’s not somebody asking about some show I played or somebody I dated.  It’s a Catholic school across from a state prison where I received a scholarship.  Years later I work at a school.  I have worked for a school for years.  My boss and I were djs professionally at one time.  I definitely did not make enough money to sustain myself through music.  But working at a school has sustained me through other ways.  I spent a portion of yesterday working with a sewing machine.  I’ve spent years thinking about using one.  I spent years being inspired by fashion and even working directly with it.  And like a tree falling in the forest, I quietly design myself a new mask in my persistent office.  My mom used to spend every Halloween designing costumes for me.  One year I was Spiderman.  I wore the mask.  These days I’m far more Watchmen than I realize.  I wear a balaclava.  I want to upgrade to something a little more fashionable.  My dad couldn’t believe I had a sewing machine.  I have two.  My connection to the internet has been slowly becoming more rigid.  My home is my office for the foreseeable future.  I do have office hours.  People can see me working from the train platform every day.  I help deliver an education across impossible distances.  I don’t think there will ever be a lack of opportunities in that department.  I’ve learned skills I’ve never had.  I could do this from my kitchen all day.  Sitting here alone by myself wondering why.  I don’t worry.  I just don’t know.  Like everybody out there just doesn’t know.  So I focus less on what I can’t control and more on what I can.  Which turns out to be my home.  As officially as this morning  expanded into the 312 area code. 

American media and pundits talk about liberation.  Americans want to point the finger at the root cause.  A scapegoat and boogeyman to turn the attention away from themselves.  They want to pass the blame onto someone else instead of sharing it.  The truth is that it is us.  We as human beings are to blame.  A virus is a perfect example of this.  A poetic one.  The virus doesn’t really care about your freedom.  At least not in the way most Americans understand it.  And yet I do care about freedom.  Because I have been living under duress for longer than I can conceivably imagine.  These days being forgotten about and under the radar isn’t always a problem.  People pay attention more to what really matters.  My writing.  My feelings for certain people that have persisted beyond these fucked up few months.  My way of living with life as it is.  I do want more.  I do not want to be alone day in and day out.  I grow in silence.  It’s not like no one sees it.  Everybody sees it.  Everybody knows exactly what I am about.  And everybody sees me living it just like I’ve always been.  Maybe a little less awkwardly.  Maybe a little less timidly.  Maybe a little more cautious.  I’ve always been cautious.  Always had the capacity to be tender.  These days I’ve felt far more free to live my life.  I still ride public transportation to the store.  I still run in an empty medical district where giant public housing projects used to loom.  I still live in a state where the governor I voted for has exceed my expectations in every way.  And I hate politics for the most part.  Our mayor is the face of America and yet has more impact as a meme than a positive news story.  The news is never positive in America.  The last I’ve read people are criticizing us for buying masks from China low key.  And yet in terms of leadership throughout all of this we in Chicago and Illinois at least know where we stand.  We have the best medical systems and professionals in the United States.  We have some of the best art and design colleges too.  And we have hope that people can get visas next fall to study here again.  We all take this very seriously because health is important to us.  Is freedom important to us?  I mean I don’t want to live anywhere else right now for the foreseeable future.  This might be the reason why I signed a two year contract on Internet.  It might also be why I chose to get a home number.  For the record it’s pretty easy to move your service these days.  But what more am I looking for at this point.  I’ve already found everything I care about thanks to the internet.  The world has changed.  I’ve been changing.  Growing.  Becoming free to be the person I need to be.  Free to love and free to speak my mind.  Free to catch a virus and die too I guess.  Welcome to America.  Free to upgrade my connection speeds to six hundred megabit down.  The connection as steady as my love for you.  Offline and on.  Same as it ever was.  Just locked up safe and sound.  Like the future.  <3 Tim

[starsinursa]

Questions for Grown-Ups

No one tagged me but I’m doing this anyways, sorry, not sorry

Tired of those surveys made by high school kids? “Have you ever kissed someone? Missed someone? Drank alcohol?”

Here are 35 questions for Grown Ups:

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?: Probably student loans. I just have so much student loan debt. I will seriously be paying on those loans for the next ten years. 2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?: …does…does by myself count? Because I took myself out for a nice steak dinner and sipped on some delicious margaritas about five months ago. I just take a book with me and read while I eat.

3. What do you really want to be doing right now?: I’m pretty content at the moment. I’m off work, in pajamas, lounging on my bed with the puppers and the kitty. 

4. How many colleges did you attend?: Two. I attended the same university for all four years of my undergrad and I graduated with a Bachelor’s in Psychology, and then I took grad classes in Counseling at another college for a couple of semesters. Didn’t end up finishing the graduate program though because there was a super intensive field practicum required to complete the degree and I was already working full-time at my current job, and I really don’t want to quit my job so I can get the degree, turn around, and then have to find another job. 

5. Why did you choose the shirt you have on now?: …it’s a gray T-shirt with a cartoon cat and it says “R U Kitten Me Right Meow?!” 😂 I picked it because it made me laugh? 

6. Thoughts on gas prices?: Not terrible at the moment, currently $1.99/ gallon here. And I saved $0.30/ gallon the other day by using my Dillons gas card. WOOHOO, saving money on gas like an ADULT!

7. First thought when the alarm goes off in the morning?: “Fuckkk…. if I sleep for a while longer and show up late to work, how late is ‘too late’?”

8. Last thought you have before you go to bed?: “Goddamnit, Tera, you said you were going to bed at 9:30 tonight and now it’s 1 a.m. Are you happy now? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?”

9. Do you miss being a child?: Nah. Besides paying bills, I LOVE being an adult. Some people say high school is the best time of your life, some people say college is the best, but my 20′s have undoubtedly been the best so far. Living on my own, doing what I want to do, disposable income, no homework… yes, please.

10. What errand/chore do you despise the most?: Washing dishes. I don’t have a dishwasher at my house and I loathe washing dishes by hand. I hate it so, so much. I literally only use paper plates, styrofoam bowls, and plastic silverware. I just throw everything away when I’m done so I never have to wash dishes. Yes, I hate dishes that much.

11. Up early or sleep in?: Sleep in. I love sleeping in but just never get the chance… or if I do, I wake up early anyways!

12. Found love yet?: Not yet, I am a single pringle. Probably staying that way for a while, too, because all I do is work and then go home, I don’t go anywhere to meet new people. Occasionally I sign up for a dating app, but then I panic and immediately delete it.

13. Favorite lunch meat?: Turkey. Actually, that’s like the ONLY lunch meat I like. I don’t like ham, roast beef… but surprisingly, I do like bologna!

14. What do you get at the grocery store every time?: I’m always stocking up on frozen meals to take to work. I am a lazy cook… as in, I don’t cook. I CAN cook, but I don’t. Cooking for one person is just too much effort.

15. Beach or lake?: Beach. Although, considering I’m in Kansas, there are zero legit beaches around here. Unless you count lake beaches?

16. Is marriage outdated?: I mean, not to me? I’d still like to get married someday. I know it’s not necessary and just a social construct and blah blah, but I still really like the idea of it, at least for myself. Under my sarcastic shell, I am a big soppy romantic at heart. No judgment on anyone who doesn’t wanna go that route though, live and let live. 😊

17. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?: Misha Collins, obviously, because he would be hilarious and adorable. Or Keanu Reeves. Or I would really have loved to meet Leonard Nimoy before he passed away. He just seemed like an amazing man and I bet he had some really great stories and life perspectives to share.

18. Ever crashed your vehicle?: My vehicle has been crashed, yes, but it wasn’t me who crashed it, thank you very much. I’ve been hit by other drivers a couple of times. Not in my new car, thankfully.

19. Do you have any regrets?: I mean, nothing that I would go back and change. I have some small things I wonder about occasionally, but I’m pretty content with the course my life has taken. Even the rough patches have helped me learn. I’m happy where I am, so that’s all that matters.

20. Strangest place you’ve brushed your teeth?: In an airport bathroom. Hey, those layovers can be excruciating, and I’d hate to subject my fellow flyers to my airport breath.

21. Somewhere you’ve never been but want to go?: Ireland. It’s on the bucket list, but I’ve decided to see some other places first. Thailand, here I come!

22. At this point, would you want to start a new career?: No, and that’s part of why I didn’t finish getting my graduate degree. I really enjoy my work (most of the time) and working with adults with disabilities actually lets me feel like I’m making a difference every now and then, so I’m not looking to change careers.

23. How old are you?: I’m on the downward slope of 25 (26 in two months, how do I stop this whole ‘getting older’ thing?)

24. Do you have a go-to person?: Probably my aunt. She works in a similar career as me, so I can talk to her about work problems or get advice. We’re also a lot alike, including being single with no kids, rescuing animals, etc., so we have a lot in common and use each other as a support system.

25. Are you where you want to be in life?: Actually, yeah, I’m pretty content. I would still like to get a Master’s degree someday (if I could find a degree without a practicum so I wouldn’t have to quit my job) and I’d eventually like to buy a house instead of just renting, but otherwise, I’m good.

26. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?: Rugrats, Hey Arnold, The Wild Thornberrys, and The Fairly Oddparents

27. What do you think has changed about you since you were a teenager?: Oh my god, sooo much. I feel like I’ve come out of my shell a lot, and also become a lot more at peace with who I am. I don’t worry so much what people think of me anymore. I mean, I’m still super introverted and I’ve still got all my faults, but I beat myself up less about all of it, y’know?

28. Looking back at high school, were they the best years of your life?: Pffft. PFFFT. Yeah right. High school was…not bad, I had my little group of friends and went to a really small school where everyone was pretty chill, but I do not miss the teenage hormones and insecurities and constant worry about the future. 

29. Are there times you still feel like a kid?: Sometimes. Well, not really like a ‘kid’, but sometimes at work I’ll notice my age and feel weirdly young if I’m in a meeting with coworkers who are a lot older than me. And even if they aren’t too much older than me, almost all of my coworkers have kids, so it’s hard to find things in common sometimes. 

30. Did you have a pager?: No, I’m not that old, haha. But I did have one of those old-school flip phones that couldn’t even text.

31. Was there a hang-out spot when you were a kid?: Yeah, there were a few. Out at the old Union Pacific railroad bridge. Downtown. A couple of party houses.

32. Were you the type of kid you’d want your children to hang out with?: Depends on my age. 😂 I was mostly a decent kid who got good grades and didn’t get into much trouble, but I went through my crazy, rebellious phase too… drinking, smoking, truancy, sex… ah, yes, being 16 was an interesting time for me.

33. Was there a teacher or figure that stood out to you?: I had a really fantastic school counselor when I was going through that rebellious phase. I was forced to see her and wasn’t happy about it, but she turned out to be awesome. A lot of times, she didn’t even make me talk about school or home, she’d just let me ramble on about things I liked, the books I was reading, my favorite movies, etc. She’d just sit and bullshit with me and didn’t treat me like a kid or talk down to me. I first became interested in psychology and counseling because of her.

34. Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age”?: Definitely. Kids these days! When I was their age, I was already washing dishes in a restaurant. I started working at age 14 and have never stopped. And my parents didn’t buy me a car, I had to save up and bought my first car by myself for $500. And my parents didn’t pay for my college either, I had to take out tons of student loans and work 30 hours/ week on top of a full course load so I could pay all my own bills (I’m a bitter old woman, can you tell? 😌).

35. Are you religious?: Umm…I used to be, not so much anymore. My step-dad is a pastor though, plus my sister is really religious and attends a private Christian college, so I’m still around it quite a bit. Needless to say, there’s a few things they don’t know about me, including the fact that I work part-time at an adult store.

Tagging: all my “grown-up” friends who would like to do this! Dooo it!

[bountifulblissfulblessings]

No Longer A Victim

Depression has been a part of me since I was young. Looking back on all of the years, I've really been good at playing the victim. It came easy. I've always put myself outside of all of the circles, immediately 'knowing' that I wouldn't fit in. People have been untrustworthy, vindictive, two-faced, or some kind of other adjective. As I've grown older, life has been easier to handle by being a loner and staying inside, even on the most beautiful days. I've allowed myself to think that I'm better off being this secluded human being. Friendships have been destroyed, relationships with coworkers have gone sour one too many times, but all I do is find a way out and never look back. I'm a runner, an escape artist. Even though I've always recognized that I have a mental illness and have been pretty upfront about it, I thought it was my 'get out of jail free' card. "Well, if they don't like me for who I am, then who cares. Good riddance! I've been open and honest about my problems." It is a vicious circle revolving around me. I have also 'tried out' different versions of me. That didn't work either. So, here I am at the age of 34, still trying to figure out who I am without the depression. It has come to be a integral part of my being. The last year of my life I have been battling with idea of God and if he even exists. I should know better, having grown up with a religious family and going on to graduate from a Christian school. Was all that I have ever been told a lie? How do I really know if what I 'believe' is real? Questions started to come up and I wasn't prepared to research the answers. So, thanks to an individual (who I will not name) that believes in evolution and claims to not be an atheist, but rather questions the idea of there being a higher being, I began to question even more the reliability of God. How do I know my beliefs to be true? What about how another believes? I toggled around with this idea for a while, pushing back all that I have ever known, and did my own thing without recognizing any kind of religion. My depression was getting unbearable at times, nothing made me happy or even contented, and I had become very angry. I was angry at everything and everyone. Once again, I turned on people that really did not do anything to deserve the abandonment. I'm not at all confrontational. I walk away without looking back. Silence destroys. Roughly one month ago something in me changed. I don't known why or how. I just knew that I could not continue down the road I had gone so long thinking it was chosen for me. I did not want to accept that 'this is how it is and how it is going to be'. I had to somehow own my life. I decided to reach out to God, once more, opening my mind and heart to seek His guidance. I fell before him in desperation, ashamed of the person I have allowed myself to be. This time, however, I knew I had to have faith and believe that he will help me in His time. Time...there is that word I don't like. I've always been a 'now' kind of person. That is why religion did not work for me in the past; that, and the fact that I was not truly into it. It was just something to try. I definitely learned that patience is virtue when you want that intimate relationship with our Heavenly Father. Fast forward to the here and now... I take one day at a time knowing that I have a long road ahead of me. It is an easier journey knowing that I do have God on my side. My prayers are focused on guidance and humility. I know that I am flesh and that I am also riddled with sin. What an amazing feeling it is to know that God still loves me, even after all of the many times I have rejected Him! I look forward to my time with Him each day, seeking and taking in His word. I feel empty without it. Conviction is something that I never felt, even when I was playing the Christian part. I feel conviction now! I've been on this journey for almost a month now and I am so grateful that I chosen to be a daughter of the King.

As I said earlier, I still have a long road ahead of me. I'll make many mistakes because I am flesh. The difference this time around is that I have God walking beside me, reminding me that He is here and will not leave me. I'm thrilled because I know I will finally be the person that He intended me to be. Now, that is good news!

[alexander-james-ink]

God is incredible!!!!!!

Two years ago I was walking in the alley behind my old apartment. We began talking to this lady and this guy that were smoking crack. The lady shared her story with us. It was devastating. We talked about faith and Jesus. She had some mixed in First Nations beliefs with Jesus stuff. But I got her number and she was gonna write out her story for me and I was supposed to go see her. I tried a few times and called her but we never connected. I didn't see her again. Tonight a lady came in with a friend to use the bathroom. While the friend was in the bathroom she told us how she was glad to be able to connect with one of our coworkers as she's known him for years and that she's been sober for almost one year. We told her how awesome that is, etc. Then she gave us her name. It sounded so familiar. And then it clicked. It was the lady!!!! I asked if she remembered me and it came back to her and she was so excited and came and gave me a hug. She shared about how she was reconnected with her adoptive mother and that she was a strong Christian. And how she had walked away for awhile but now she was back. AMAZING 😭😭😭😭. I got her number again and I'm gonna visit her and she's gonna give me what she wrote out. I am in awe. These moments make all the hard parts about this kind of ministry incredible.

[machinehead]

RE:  PINEAPPLE SUNFLOWER SEEDS AND MORE

I don’t know if any you have tried this ridiculous experiment with sunflower seeds and/or pineapple, but the comments and this music video by nut job/ Head Case Floyd MC BBQ have kept me in stitches!! @mcbbq - Big Loads (music video):  https://youtu.be/s7wqVXBTRHI

And I couldn’t stop laughing at this photo:  https://instagram.com/p/BU4jHD1FDj_/ Dyin’ ova' here! This just in; my A&R head honcho Monte Conner tells me that veteran music manager Scott Koenig claims that pure Pumpkin Seed Oil produces HUGE loads! One more thing to try I guess... I have yet to see any results, but it is supposed to take a couple weeks. Below are 3 of the most interesting replies I recieved regarding muslim/gay friends. From:  Peter Southwood Sunflower seeds and pineapple - no fucking idea. Sounds like bullshit. Muslim Friends - Apart from having very few friends anyway, none at the moment. However, I have known plenty, and the one thing I know is that they are people first, Muslim second (unlike the majority of Christians I have met). The Muslim community in the UK don’t even recognise jihadists as being Muslim. They don’t want the three pricks who attacked London on Saturday to be buried with Muslims. Kathy Griffin - It’s all a matter of perspective. If there weren’t beheadings by extremists in the middle east, would we see the picture in a different light? If this were during the election campaign, would we see it as less disgusting? With what Trump has said about Muslims, trying to ban them from going to the US, people could see the image as a jihadist with the presidents head, and therefore an attack on America. Personally, I have no problems with the picture; not funny nor satirical, but controversial and too easy to be misinterpreted by those who want to. Gay friends - Can’t say much about having gay friends; as I mentioned before, I have very few friends as it is, let alone gay ones. However, being gay myself, I find it funny that it’s frowned upon in the metal community. Let’s face it, one of the most popular rock singers was gay (Freddie Mercury), and the main figure behind the leather look that a lot of metal bands and fans adhere to, Rob Halford, got his look from the Leather scene in the gay community! Personally, I’m not worried about being open at a metal gig. In fact, whilst queuing outside the Hammersmith Apollo to see you guys, I got speaking to a couple of others. When they asked if I was married, I told them that my boyfriend and I were waiting for a while. We then went on to have a fucking fantastic time inside. The fact that I’m in the UK and not the US may explain it somewhat; there’s no-where near the level of bigotry over here. There are still some fucktards, but I’ve been lucky enough not to have come across them (not that I would, even if they wanted it!) From:  Waseem Ahmed Mr Flynn A 43 year old Londoner here who’s been listening to your music since 1994, well-kept digipaks of Burn My Eyes and TMTC proudly sat in my music collection, along with your other releases. And a muslim too. And I naturally know shedloads of muslims, both professionally and personally. Last Sunday, I was on the underground on my way to the theatre in the Covent Garden area with my kids. My sister sat opposite me, still heavily mourning the loss of her childhood favourite Chris Cornell. I received a text from a friend in Paris asking me to be careful as emotions would be running high following the London Bridge incidents. I responded that I’d be fine, "I’m wearing a Machine Head t-shirt so everyone will love me." Then it hit me. We’ve reached a point in London, one of the most awesome multicultural cities in the world, where we are now having to explain ourselves and how we differ to the maniacs that wreaked havoc in Manchester and London. Passing questions. All politely asked though. Are you ashamed about what they did? You’re not like those other muslims are you? At that moment, protecting me from any glare was my Bloodstone & Diamonds tour t-shirt. Damn, bad times. My 9-year-old boy is going to his first gigs this year, ticking off Linkin Park and Metallica of his wishlist. He’s scared after hearing about the Ariane Grande concert incident. I’ve told him he will be safe as security has increased everywhere. Fortunately he’s not cottoned onto the muslim label thing yet. That would be heartbreaking to see. I’ve been gigging in London since the age of 17. Classic venues such as The Marquee and Astoria have gone. One thing has remained. The camaraderie at metal gigs, irrespective of faith, skin tone or whatever. Everyone looks after everyone and we’re all there for the same thing. Together. Irrespective of the nonsense taking place in the world, I hope this bond remains throughout my lifetime and beyond. Well now you kinda know another muslim, although via email. If you’re ever in London and fancy a hearty home cooked curry, you’re most welcome to join me and my family. I’ll invite my gay work colleagues too. They are awesome too. And one’s a diehard metaller and one my favourite gig buddies ☺ All the best Waseem From: Svetlana Simanski Subject: Muslims and pineapples Hey Robb, I just read your TGJ email and laughed a lot - what a mix of topics and - since I'm already craving for new MH stuff - I thought the email would maybe an update. Anyway... as a straight girl I have been confronted with the pineapple-hypothesis several times in my life and - until today - in my opinion this is just a way to get girls into BJs a little more. :D Men can never get enough, so they invented this hoax to maybe achieve exactly this. And yes, I already tried to prove the hypothesis. Guess what, the pineapples had no effect at all. If you've ever tasted cum in your life you might know why pineapple-flavor sounds like a nice game-changer. So much on this topic. Now lets get to the muslims. I'm 28 years old right now and I am from Germany. After WW2 there came many guest-workers from Turkey to help us out here, to rebuild the country and most of them stayed, had families and their kids had families themselves, but I never was in touch with them. I met some in my time as a student at university, but never was closer friends with one so I didn't have a chance to get to know the culture or the religion. So, honestly, I had some prejudices. Not from my own experience, but from the word that spread. I live in a big city and we have to deal with some issues here. There are places you shouldn't visit after dark or even whole parts of the city which are not completely safe for white girls in black clothes and without a hijab. Well, of course I had kind of an inner fight with myself and these prejudices. I didn't want to have them at all and since we welcomed like two millions of refugees in Germany over the past two years I decided to work this out for me. Can you believe we still have Nazi-stuff going here in Germany? Didn't they learn anything from history or is it just a story, a bad fairy tale for some people? Honestly, I don't get it. Anyway I took a new job offer at a stationary youth welfare institution and had no idea what to expect. This was kind of an experiment for me and I started six months ago. I work there with 22 refugees. With kids. They came all the way without their parents or any other relatives. The youngest one is 15 years old and he arrived in Germany when he was 13. He did the whole fucking trip vom Afghanistan to Germany by himself. This age I played with barbie or tried out how to look good with make-up. Those were my problems. Wow... I thought I had to go through some things in my life, but I realized it was nothing compared to what they did to come here. What they had to do in their countries to basically survive. They killed for the Taliban to save their families. Can you imagine? No, neither can I. So now I know like 26 muslims (my boss and some coworkers are muslims as well) and I love them all. The kids are so kind and so cute, help- and respectful. You can't imagine. For me this changed everything in my life. Before this job I couldn't image to have a romantic relationship with a muslim, now I can. Besides... they're all a little too young, but in ten years from now... I'd see a bunch of handsome and polite young men from Afghanistan and I can tell you, there are some really, really special characters among them. Just awesome. I got to know their culture a little bit, their habits and routines in religious practice and I even started to learn a little Persian. My job is to look after them in any situation and explain the pitfalls of german bureaucracy. We are also friends somehow, they tell me stories about their lives in Afghanistan, Syria, Iraq and Eritrea - sad and happy ones - and this is basically all I need. This job just gives me back so much. The love and the kindness you get back from these kids is amazing. It took some time to realize: I'm part of their lives now, I am somehow their sister, mother, aunt and friend at the same time. I can't write down all my experiences here, but I wanted to let you know at least a small part of my story and how this job changed my view, my behavior, my thinking and the way I speak to others about muslims or their culture, especially from Afghanistan. I'm hoping my English isn't too bad and you can somehow imagine what I tried to describe. Hope to see you in Germany in 2018. I'll be there, somewhere in the crowd. Cheers from Germany, Svetlana

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[wildflower8281]

My Arizona Adventure

February 2, 2017

February 2nd is historically a big day for me. Thirteen years ago today, I entered the convent, a stage of my life that lasted almost 8 years and has informed my person in innumerable ways. One year ago today, I flew across the country on a 1-way ticket, marking another start on a journey that has shaped me into more of who I am meant to be in this world. Big things happen on this day in my life. In pagan spirituality, February 2nd is called Ibolc and is celebrated as the Festival of Light, the returning of the sun, as it marks the halfway point between winter and spring. It is when we first begin to notice the signs of spring, blossoms, green, hope, warmth. Christianity eventually put their spin on this celebration of nature and named it Candlemas, citing the infant Christ as the light of the world. Either way, it’s a day about Light. In religious life, I was given the name Lumen Christi, or Light of Christ. While I do not identify as a christian or a catholic anymore, I still hold the essence of Lumen as my own and believe Light to be who I am at my core. February 2nd, the Festival of Light always moves me….sometimes just interiorly, but sometimes literally into big, new adventures, leaps into a new chapter…

A year ago today, I hopped on a 1-way flight to Phoenix, Arizona knowing in my heart that things were just gonna work out. And as I write this today and look back on my year here, I am so very grateful for all the ways that Life truly has worked out and the Universe really has upheld and embraced me here. This writing is part story and part litany of gratitude…

For about the third time in my life, I had left a place of work that did not feel like where I was supposed to be anymore. I was in between jobs and it was mid-January in cold, wintery NJ. I intended on going to visit my Dad and stepmom in Arizona for a few weeks just to get some sun and to recalibrate. Very quickly, as I began to have Arizona on my mind, the idea of a visit turned into the idea of a life out there. A co-worker said, “You should just buy a 1-way ticket and see what’s out there for you!” My entire being responded to that sentence and I will forever be grateful to Michelle for speaking what came on her heart that moment. From then on, it was as if Arizona was pulling me out here and, even though I didn’t have any answers or plans, I knew to trust that feeling. I wasn’t scared. There was a deep calmness and overall feeling that this was the right move for me, so I continued to follow that feeling and didn’t really care what anyone else thought.  It was confirmed when I asked my dad & stepmom if I could in fact just buy a 1-way ticket, stay with them and see if I could land a job out here – as they were thinking the same thing and going to suggest it to me!

A year ago today, I did not have a job, a place of my own or friends out here. A year ago today I landed in this desert and little did I know how generous it would be to me! It is quite amazing when you just listen to your heart and not let the world scare you. You can make some pretty brave moves and you’ll be surprised by how much the stars align for you.

I must say that none of my life here in AZ could have happened without the generosity of both my mom Susan & sister Erin in New Jersey, and my dad, his wife Erin and Fitz family out here in AZ. After almost 8 years in the convent, I returned home to my mom in 2011 and spent four amazing years with her on the farm, learning how to be me again. She received my broken, exhausted, lost self and gave me the space, love and support to heal, grow and learn to be brave and strong again. My mom’s love has informed my own heart more than any other person in my life. My sister Erin always embraces my choices and always stands by my side, even when it means leaving her. That is brave and that is love. And without her love, I would not feel whole and would not be who I am today. She welcomed me home post covent and she supported me as I moved out west. She is my person and always will be. My dad and his wife Erin so generously welcomed me into their home and allowed me to live with them until I got on my own two feet. They gave me a foundation here, they supported my hopes, they listened to my ramblings, they made me margaritas and put up with my weird yoga ways outside every morning….they showed their love in actions and for all these things, I will forever be grateful. My aunts out here in AZ also supported me whole heartedly: Mary Kay allowed me to hole up in her house, using her laptop to job hunt and apply. Aunt Barb always kept an ear out for me whether it was for jobs or places to live, and she passed her bike onto me, which I now ride to work daily! They opened their lives here to me, for whatever I needed. 

It goes without saying that my best friend in life, Lindsay, lives in my heart at each step, walks with me and knows my journey and story like no other. She is my soul friend from all ages, who upholds my spirit and mirrors my light with her love. Amore & Lumen ad eternum.

In New Jersey, I rediscovered myself, I healed, and I was very, very loved….I was sent off knowing that I would always be loved and supported….in Arizona, I was received just the same. If only every human could have these gifts! I wish them upon everyone and am daily grateful for them in my life. Because I feel so blessed, my main priority in life is to make the people in my life feel heard, loved, supported…to look people in the eyes, to listen and connect. In my opinion, once people feel heard, loved, and supported, then they can go out and heal the world however they are meant to – be it through art, music, medicine, laughter, teaching, etc. I don’t need or want big, loud things in life or on my resume, I want to be the quiet, steady whisper in people’s hearts & lives that they are loved, that they shine bright and that they have meaning in this world.

Just as flying one way across the country without a job or any answers isn’t the norm, nor was my plan for job hunting. I didn’t waste my time frantically applying to every random thing. I promised myself that I would only apply to places that aligned with my values and lifestyle, which mainly included health and art in all forms. The first place I applied was a tiny yoga studio called Funke Yoga. It was my first application and my first job offer! This was about 3 weeks in. I will always be grateful to Mara for hiring me, as it was that little part time job at the yoga studio that was my first concrete anchor here in AZ. During my time at Funke, I met two of my first friends who I am grateful now I call my best friends here, Rose & Lee….or as my dad and Erin refer to them: RosenLee, since I always mention them together! They are my crew, my fam, we are nerds who love food, laughter, yoga and root beer. They keep my heart light and bring me much joy. I love them dearly. They are the first two who made me believe that I would find my people out here. And I have.

Following Funke, I only applied to 3 other places: an art center, a handcrafted local soap company and a chiropractors office. I was invited for interviews at all 3. The soap company ended up moving to Oregon. While the chiropractor paid better, the art center felt better and for me, that makes all the difference. There was about a 3 week span between my first interview and getting the job at Phoenix Center for the Arts, but I had stopped looking and applying elsewhere. I knew the position was for me and I just lived my life knowing that it was the right fit. When Lauren called to offer me the job, I was out hiking and answered from the mountain!

When I think of all the amazing people and connections I have made since working at PCA, it blows my mind space! First of all, my coworkers are a bunch of freaking brilliant badasses, who create, maneuver and shape-shift all day, every day, all the while being kind, patient and usually hilarious. I am grateful for the freedom, the expansive energy and the fun comraderie that is fostered at PCA. I have never really been more proud of the people I work with and humbled to be a part of their amazing team:

·         Joseph – thank you for your warmth, open spirit and for believing in the best parts of me and us. And for bringing Joy into our family!

·         Lauren – thank you for your sense of humor, lightheartedness and for patiently teaching me skills and encouraging me to trust myself again. I couldn’t ask for and wouldn’t want another supervisor/friend/team member all rolled into one.

·         Lane – thank you for your kindness and willingness to use your mastery to make everything amazing. And for your specialized lingo that I thoroughly enjoy!

·         Jessica – thank you for living in the barrio with me, for having a super fun spirit and for seeing in me more than I see sometimes. And for your great laugh.

·         Jessi – my fellow transplant! Thank you for your under the radar badassness, your kind energy and the way you can do all the things!

·         Mirinda – what can I say?! Thank you for making me laugh, for thinking of us always and for listening, friend!

·         David – thank you for your friendliness and for always making me feel supported and safe, esp on evening shifts! And for sharing your food with me!

·         Lindsey – thank you for your generosity with your gifts, you have a depth of perception that most do not. I love being late nite shift buddies!

·         Melissa – thank you for cleaning up our messes in a most masterful way! Your gifts are greatly appreciated and I admire your organization and adventurous spirit!

·         Sonya – the newest addition! I am stoked you are with us and thrilled to work with you and have more time to get to know each other. You clearly have many gifts to share. Thank you for your amazing spirit.

·         Kaitlyn – who would have thought that from across the country, I’d become friends with the girl whose position I took! It’s no surprise to me that we have become hiking buddies! I knew the moment I saw you that we had a similar spirit.

·         Laura – thank you for warmly welcoming me, patiently teaching me skills my first few months and introducing me to Lola!

And to all the amazing instructors, PCA regulars & Radio Phoenix people who have welcomed me like family and who make me look forward to going to work each day and week: Don, John, Ingrid, Ann, Mike, Colette, Char, Marilyn, Liz, Michele, Brian, Jess, Andrea, Betsi, Fabrice, Michaela, Nubia, Carly, Travis, Robert….

They say timing is everything and two very special people I met during my first months at PCA have become true life friends, even though they left PCA shortly after: Dorothee and Jose. Dorothee is like 10 years my minor, but we just clicked and became very close right away. She is a true best friend with whom I can share anything and for whom I would do anything. She has supported me during difficult moments and visa versa. We only worked together for a few months at PCA, but that was all we needed to form our friendship, one that is a true pillar of my life here.

Jose I also met during my first week at PCA, as he was a front desk volunteer. He was a quiet, seemingly shy guy, but kind and so polite. As is my custom, I like to engage people beyond the normal surface questions, so as the weeks went on, I would linger at the desk and intend to get to know this human who Life had arranged to be in my place of work a few times a week.  I sensed that he was like me, in that we aren’t amazing in groups, but are masters at 1-on-1 conversing. And I was right. Once I got Jose talking, we found out that we could talk forever! And, without sounding cliché, that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship  – one full of late nite talks, hiking, coffee on the patio, cooking adventures, library dates and chasing the moon and stars. Jose stopped volunteering in the summer, but again, I am amazed at the timing of the Universe, as it aligned our time at PCA just right, so that we had enough time to warm up and become friends…a relationship that has brought me even more alive than I already felt and for which I am so grateful.

And so here I sit in my Dollhouse on February 2, 2017. A year ago today, I had no job, no friends and no place of my own out here. I just had a knowing in my heart. I flew across the country with that knowing tucked deep down where I promised I wouldn’t let anyone take it, I fell asleep at nite to that knowing and just kept listening to it as the days and weeks unfolded out here. Today I sit in my guesthouse that is the perfect little space for me, my first ever space of my own, I look around and can only be grateful for how that knowing in my heart has manifested into a life out here that I love. It is a simple life, a happy life. It fills my heart, brings me alive and allows me to receive others as Arizona received me: generously, warmly and with an open heart. So, once again, on February 2nd, I am moved. I look around and see that I am surrounded by bright lights here….a true Festival of Light, with much sprouting and blossoming, and so many good things! May we all shine brightly in this world, just as we are meant to, for in the end, the light always overcomes the darkness. I promise.

[blogaldonley]

Week 2

It has been hot here in Hungary! In the 90s with no AC!  That has been an adjustment for sure.  This week was busy with many different things! 

Bought my bus and train tickets to the DTS staff meet up in Germany! I’m so excited to go to that in a few weeks! I’ll be staying at one of the YWAM bases in Germany that’s in a mansion/castle and in a village!  I will say the travel days will be long, but totally worth it in the end.  

This week I was able to work along side our Mercy Ministry which works with the homeless.  There are 10,000 homeless people in Budapest.  Every Tuesday night sandwiches are made, and we go out onto the streets.  We don’t just bring them sandwiches for dinner.  We sit with them and talk with them.  We ask them how their week is and what their prayer needs are.  Before we walk on, we always pray with them if they allow us.  So far this year 7 have accepted the Lord.  My group got to talk with two that have been Christians for a few years that are still homeless.  One had just had a stroke and wasn't doing well.  We were able to pray with him and encourage him.  It amazed me at how deep the friendships were between my new coworkers and the homeless of Budapest.  They told us how much they feel valued by us since we take the time to talk with them and get to know them.  I also got to see how another guy who accepted the Lord through this ministry a few years ago has been provided for by the Lord.  I sat their amazed at what God was doing in his life, and how the Lord was speaking to him! It was a very humbling experience.  

On Wednesday, the base had an informational event about the base.  I created a powerpoint presentation for it which we will now use for all our upcoming informational events.  I also got to share during the event as well a testimony from my DTS.  Our base takes volunteers who want to participate in helping with our ministries here in the city.  You can also bring youth groups, school groups, church groups, or your family to work along side our base during the week.  

Thursday we cleaned the house that the base owns.  Next week we have a church group of preteens and teens coming to work with our ministries for a week.  I was also able to try some delicious Bulgarian food and meet up with a friend for coffee.  

I’m slowly learning the names of things and where places are.  The public transportation has been easy to learn and so helpful at getting around this big city.  I have even gone grocery shopping all by myself with it all in Hungarian now!