#I guess bucktommy is the dark side

[winchester27]

If y’all are mad some of us Buddies calling us traitors because we like Buck with Tommy for the time being, are appreciative of the storyline, are letting Buck discover himself, etc.

I got some news for you. Buck is BIsexual not EDDIEsexual

I swear y’all make me gnaw on the bars of my cage with how ridiculous y’all sound.

[cjlouwho]

Bucktommy cuddling in bed, please? Doesn't have to lead to anything, just them being soft.

Since their third date, when Buck told Tommy about his fears after getting struck by lightning and how he spent so long texting Bobby every morning to make sure everything was alright, Buck woke up to a text from Tommy.

Without fail.

Five straight months of 6am texts. Even the days he was working, when he was already awake and had been for a while, he'd still get a text to check in.

That's why Buck's heart nearly sunk directly to the floor when he checked his phone one morning at 6:32am, right after they'd gotten back from a call, to see that Tommy hadn't texted him.

He hesitated briefly, but sent Tommy a heart, followed by a everything okay?

Another thing Tommy had always been great at is answering Buck back quickly. The only time he didn't, or couldn't, was when he was working.

And he wasn't working today.

It didn't take long for Bobby to notice him glaring down at his phone.

“What's wrong, Buck?”

“Oh,” Buck put his phone back in his pocket, waving Bobby off. “It's nothing. No big deal.”

“You sure? Looks like it might be. Everything okay?”

Buck let out a sigh, then explained. “Tommy hasn't missed a morning of texting me for five months. Every single morning, six on the dot.”

“I'm guessing there was no text today?”

Buck shook his head. “No. I texted him, but I haven't heard back. Maybe... Maybe he just overslept? Or forgot, or something.”

“Okay,” Bobby replied with a nod, “well, go get changed and head on out. We've got it covered.”

“But, Cap-”

“Shift ends in thirty minutes anyway. And we both know you won't be able to let it go until you make sure he's alright. Need Eddie to tag along?”

“N- No, I.. I'm sure I'm overreacting.”

“Text me and let me know once you know. And Buck?”

“Yeah, Cap?”

“Try not to panic.”

Not willing to make any promises, Buck turned and headed for his locker.

*****

It took him nearly half an hour to get to Tommy's place, and he didn't think twice about using the key Tommy had given him a couple months back to let himself in. Especially since he still hadn't heard a word from him.

“Tommy?” He spoke cautiously as he entered the house, trying to keep calm against all the negative thoughts running through his mind.

No answer.

The house was dark. It didn't look like Tommy had been up at all. If it weren't for his car out front, Buck wouldn't think he was there.

He moved further into the house, heading down the hall toward Tommy's bedroom.

“Tommy?” His voice was shaky this time, unsteady.

The door squeaked as he pushed it open, but he immediately sighed a breath of relief when the body tangled up under the covers moved.

“Evan?” Tommy questioned, eyes squinting toward him in confusion. “Why're you here?”

“I'm checking on you.” Buck toed off his shoes and walked over to the bed, crawling up beside Tommy. “Are you okay?” he asked, reaching out and resting a hand over his forehead. “You don't feel hot.”

“M'fine,” Tommy answered, wrapping the blankets tighter around his neck. His voice still sounded rough from sleep. “What time is it? You're supposed to be at work.”

“It's a little past seven. I got worried when I didn't get a text from you this morning. Cap let me leave early.”

“Seven?” Tommy looked even more confused by that. He turned and grabbed his phone off the nightstand, shoulders slumping when he confirmed the time. “God, Evan, I'm sorry. I- I didn't know.”

“It's okay,” Buck assured him. “I'm just glad you're not severely injured or dead, like my head decided you were on the way over.”

Tommy smiled softly, holding out his arms for Buck to come lay in.

Happily, Buck pushed the comforter back on his usual side of the bed and laid beside Tommy, resting his head on his chest.

With one of Tommy's hands soothingly rubbing up and down his back, and the other massaging at his scalp, Buck almost allowed himself to be completely at ease.

Almost.

Because he still knew that something was wrong, even if he couldn't quite figure it out yet.

After pressing a kiss to Tommy's pec, Buck asked again, “Are you okay?”

Tommy took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before he answered. “My mom died thirty years ago today,” he admitted.

Buck stilled, then brought his arm to wrap tighter around Tommy's waist. “Oh, Tommy, I- I had no idea.” He leaned up slightly to be able to look at him. “You didn't tell me before, did you? Because-”

“No, no. I don't ever really talk about it, so I'm sure I've never mentioned it.”

Carefully, Buck rolled off of Tommy, lying flat on the bed. He pulled Tommy along with him, having him rest inside his arms instead. “I decided you're the one needing held today,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of Tommy's head.

Tommy laid on him with his eyes closed, listening to the sound of Buck's heart thumping in his chest. “I don't usually miss her this much,” he said. “I mean, I always miss her, but anniversaries don't usually make it worse.”

“Grief has a way of sneaking up on you when you don't expect it.”

“Yeah,” Tommy agreed. “It's kind of a pain in the ass.”

Buck huffed out a laugh. “Yes, it is.”

“I just... I think about talking to her a lot. Telling her about my life, you know?”

“Mhm.”

“And there's always been updates here and there. She would have hated me being in the army. Would've been worried sick. She would still worry about me as a firefighter, but she would have been proud. But I think,” he paused, snuggling closer to Buck, “I think this is the first time I could've told her all about my personal life, not just the work stuff.”

Buck's hand stilled from where his fingertips had lightly been brushing over Tommy's arm. “Oh yeah?” he asked.

“Yeah. All these years I've just gone over what work accomplishments I could have talked to her about. I didn't even think about that this time.”

Carefully, Buck scooted further down into the bed. He maneuvered them around until they were both on their sides facing one another. He tangled their legs together, and they each slung an arm around the other's waist.

“What would you have said?” Buck asked. “About your life?”

Tommy smiled. “You wanna hear me talk about you?”

“Oh, this life conversation includes me?” Buck replied cheekily. “I guess that's just a plus.”

Tommy stared into Buck's eyes as he thought over his words. “I would've told her that my friend Howie called me one day and asked me for an insane favor. A favor I probably should've thought twice about, but I didn't. And how he showed up with these two other guys who I'd never seen before. Then one of those guys would go on to make me happier than I ever thought possible.”

Even as he teared up, a smile grew on Buck's face. “You mean Eddie, don't you?”

That got a laugh out of Tommy. A big laugh where his eyes closed and his nose scrunched up. “I'd also tell her he always knows how to make me feel better. And he's good to me, and for the first time in my life I feel complete.”

“You do?” Buck asked, eyes going soft.

“I do. I'd tell her that this guy never stops surprising me. How he cares so deeply about everyone around him that I constantly have to remind him that he exists too. How fiercely protective he is. How safe I feel with him.”

Buck fought at blinking his tears away. He cleared his throat. “Do you think your mom would wanna meet me?”

“Oh, I know she'd wanna meet you. She'd be crazy about you.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

“Good. Because I'd like to tell her more about her son.”

“Evan.”

“I'm serious.” Buck brought his hand to Tommy's face, stroking his cheek. “I'd love to tell her what a great job she did raising you. How gentle you are, how loving and patient you are. How you always listen, and you seem to know how I'm feeling before I do. How I- I'd love to spend the rest of my life beside you, if you'd let me.”

Tommy swallowed hard. “Really?”

Buck nodded.

It wasn't a proposal. They didn't even live together yet. But it was a promise. A promise of a future together without an expiration date.

Tommy cradled himself into Buck's arms again. “I love you so much, Evan.”

Buck held him tight, hoping the depth of love he had for Tommy could be felt through his touch. “I love you too, Tommy.”

[do-androids-dream-ao3acc]

I am the broken, I am the wound

@asraindarkness said whump, and I was, yeah! The story, however, said uh-uh. There you go, 3,925 words BuckTommy, including PTSD and a love confession. Below the cut and on AO3.

(1: Buck’s POV)

It was the small things.

Trifles, inconspicuous at first, accumulating until they no longer appeared to be random. And still it took Buck weeks, months even to connect the dots. It might have been politeness, or rather some kind of consideration, why Tommy wasn’t staying the nights. Some old fashioned way to keep the pace low, to let Buck acclimate to the fact that he was with a man now. Which was, of course, cute, but since Buck basically jumped on said man after a couple of weeks, not exactly necessary.

He never stayed over night, but even if that gave Buck a headache sometimes, it might just have been an endearing quirk. But there were other signs, only he didn't understand them until later. That wary look on Tommy's face at some loud noises. The fact that he never talked about his time in the army. How he always got up to get a drink or go for a pee when a movie turned all too violent. Later, of course, Buck wondered how he had not noticed all this. It was just that Tommy didn't quite realize it himself.

A few weeks after their first kiss and a few much more fruitful dates, the wedding to which Buck had invited Tommy finally happened – albeit in a completely different way than planned. After it, they went to the loft, took a shower together, made out in Buck's bed, talked and laughed; and then, Tommy fell asleep. 

It was mesmerizing. Of course, he had been on a shift when Buck texted him about the unplanned hospital wedding, and he’d arrived as soon as he could, covered in soot from a fire that would be on the evening news. He was exhausted, basically only kept up by Buck's text that there would be cake. So it was no wonder that his eyes eventually closed, and Buck was enraptured by the sight. He lay there for a long time, looking at Tommy until darkness fell over the city, until he decided to end the day and lie down next to him. Tommy didn't wake up when he carefully wrapped an arm around him, and that’s how he fell asleep, blissfully thinking of the morning when he would wake up to this sight. 

He woke up to a scream.

Buck, a first responder with instincts hard to suppress, immediately sat upright in bed. He squinted into the darkness, confused and tired, unable to find his bearings for a moment. Had he been dreaming, or had he actually heard something? Buck’s gaze fell to the other side of his bed, and he remembered; yet the warm, fuzzy feeling of last night wouldn’t return. 

Tommy sat there, the comforter tangled between his legs, his naked torso wet with sweat. The dim surroundings revealed little, but he was bent forward, head in his hands, breathing heavily. 

“T... Tommy?”

He didn't even know why the sight unsettled him so much. Tommy was one of those strong guys with a soft core, one to shed a tear during a movie’s love scene, claiming there’s a speck of dust in his eye. With Buck, he was soft and gentle all the time, just … not like this. He carefully reached out a hand, touching a very tense shoulder. The touch seemed to electrify Tommy, he looked up, startled. Buck couldn't quite make out his eyes, but if he'd had to guess... he looked haunted.

“What happened? Nightmare?”

Buck gave his voice a reassuring edge, because underneath the distractedness, the obvious sadness of Tommy's whole frame, something else was lurking. Buck had seen this kind of tenseness, this hardened jawline, the hurried look before. It was a mood that could quickly turn aggressive. That seemed hard to imagine with Tommy, but it had been a long road to be at ease with himself, and his physical assets were impressive. And whatever was wrong with him, calming him down seemed the best option. 

“Yeah,” Tommy drawled. “Must have been a dream. Sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep, I need to leave.”

“Tommy, you really don't need to…” Buck said, but Tommy rose, gathering his belongings, one foot in his jeans already. A wistful smile played around his lips as he kissed Buck goodbye.

Buck was jittery for a few days afterwards, without knowing exactly why. Tommy was back to his old charming self a day later, he even apologized by saying that he was not used to fall asleep next to somebody. It was a strange statement, and Buck had the oddest feeling that something was wrong, something deep down in Tommy, and for some reason, that frightened him. It was inevitable: his thoughts revolved around possible mistakes, turning every conversation around in his head. He even wondered whether Tommy could have lost interest so quickly. However, there was nothing to suggest that he had. Maybe it was all in Buck's head, but he was still convinced it was in Tommy's head, too, and he needed to find a quiet moment to talk to him. 

A peaceful dinner after a non-stressful, quiet day, on which they fortunately both finished work at the same time, seemed the best opportunity. Buck had ordered cake – he wasn't so presumptuous as to think he could bake just because he liked to cook. He didn't eat any of it, but watched Tommy with pleasure as he shoveled in the second piece. The only thing distracting him was that he thought about how to bring on the topic. How to start a conversation about something you weren’t sure about? Maybe Buck was just overthinking it, maybe Tommy was fine, maybe there was nothing. His guts, however, told him otherwise. He just needed to find a way to make this not about himself. That should be easy, because he really, really cared for this man. 

Tommy finished the cake, and Buck opened a bottle of wine.

“Wine? Did you run out of beer?” Tommy teased him. 

Buck's former self would have run to the fridge, but by now, he knew better. He knew Tommy better, his somewhat odd jokes, his sarcasm. Maybe that was the key, he thought while handing Tommy a glass. Perhaps he should have realized sooner that all this could be a coping mechanism – after all, that was an experience he shared. 

“Hey, uh, I... I wanted to talk to you about something,” he said, sitting down at he table again, shoving the empty plates aside and clutching his glass. 

“Fine. I figured something was bothering you, Evan.”

Tommy's nose folded into an adorable scrunch as he cracked a broad smile. Strangely enough, Buck now felt guilty. As if he was about to say something that would wipe this smile away, and he didn’t want that. 

 “It's about…” he began, but his voice trailed off as the ceiling light above them suddenly flickered.

“Do you often have problems with power cuts?” Tommy asked, frowning. 

“Nah, never,” Buck returned.

He looked up as if he could make the lamp work with his thoughts, and sure enough, the flickering stopped. 

“Maybe it's a solar storm,” Tommy said and took a sip. “I've read about them, they’re...”

The light went out altogether, and he fell silent. Now the loft was pitch black, covered by a blanket made out of darkness.

“That's odd,” Buck remarked. “Well, let me check the fuses, wait, I’ll use my phone as a torch.”

It shouldn’t be that dark, he thought, and it took him a second to realize it was missing the usual glimpse of this suburbia’s light pollution. This wasn’t just about his apartment. Fumbling with his back pocket, he got up. That was the second when a gigantic blast was heard from outside, a violent noise that rattled the windows. Buck dropped his phone and cursed, at the same time a second noise sounded directly in front of him, and he sensed movement. 

“Tommy?”

Buck's eyes hadn't quite adjusted to the darkness yet, but he realized that the second bang had been a chair falling to the floor. What the hell was going on here? Diving under the table, he groped the floor for his phone. 

The flashlight on his cell phone cast strange shadows on the walls. The chair Tommy had been sitting on had indeed been knocked over, but where was he? Why hadn't he answered? The silence after the bang was eerie. Maybe a substation had exploded, ensuring the district lay in darkness now. It had startled him, admittedly, but now his instincts kicked in, they calmed his heartbeat and kept him thinking clearly. Assess the situation. Help those in need.

“Tommy, you okay? Wait, I'm coming for you.”

Despite the pale light from his phone, Buck banged his knee on the table, cursing for the second time. There was no response, and he was starting to get really worried. He flicked the light across the kitchen, into the living room, but there was no one there. Had Tommy gone up the stairs? But why would he? 

He kept scanning around, searching every nook and cranny, his own footsteps the only sound. All of this was eery, not only because of the sudden darkness. This was still his apartment, he knew every corner by heart, light or not. And still, it felt like something was missing, some of the security his home offered, but it wasn’t him who was missing it. 

Buck found Tommy in the bathroom, a dark shade crouching next to the shower, clasping his knees. He dropped down, put the phone aside and let its light illuminate parts of the ceiling. It was enough to see Tommy’s face, absolutely frightened, eyes wide open, staring into the void. He was panting way too fast, close to hyperventilating. Buck knew these signs.

“Tommy. Hey. Look at me, okay? I’m here,” he whispered, his voice hoarse for some reason.  “What... what's going on?”

“I don't know,” Tommy said, almost sobbing, “I don't know, I just don't know.”

_."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._.".__."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._.

(2: Tommy’s POV)

“Okay,” Buck returned softly, “all right. Breathe. Slowly.”

Tommy knew that voice, he’d used it himself before, maybe the exact words, and he knew Evan was right. It was just so hard to breathe. With every inhale, he seemed to take in the darkness even more, and with every exhale, he felt like screaming. He had never been afraid of the dark, but for some reason, now he was terrified. The flashlight did little to reassure him; the shadows on the tiled walls seemed to taunt Tommy. 

He didn't look at Evan, he could imagine him thinking feverishly, probably wondering why Tommy had chosen to hide in the bathroom. But Evan wasn't stupid, he would draw the right conclusions. It was a closed space, no windows, somehow a safe space. Some people believed it was one of the safest places in case of an earthquake, and Tommy knew that Evan lived in L.A. long enough to have witnessed at least one. Whatever had shook Evan’s windows, it most certainly hadn’t been an earthquake. But whatever it had been…

“… it triggered something,” Evan said, as if he was able to read his mind. “The… the noise, maybe even the darkness?” 

It was a question that didn’t really call for an answer, not now. Evan reached out and grasped his slightly shaking hands. They were cold against Evan’s warm skin, but he didn’t withdraw. To his own surprise, he started talking. 

“Been having nightmares for a while,” he said, only to fall silent again immediately after these words.

Evan frowned, “T…that’s why you never wanted to spend the night here? Tommy... you could have just told me?”

Tommy shrugged, not looking at him.

“It felt strange. Annoying. Like a me-problem, you know?”

He still didn’t dare to look at the man, but Tommy could imagine how that must feel to him. Evan, who had so much, too much experience in trying to not be a burden to anyone. He’d come a long way, Tommy knew that. It hadn’t felt right at the time when he asked his former coworkers about his crush, and without them even knowing why he asked, in the first place. He could imagine what he felt and thought right now, and he was right: Evan briefly let go of his hands to lift Tommy’s chin, searching his gaze. 

“You’re not a problem, Tommy,” he assured him. “We’re in this together now, remember? If anything, the world’s in double trouble.”

That man… Evan didn’t know half the things he invoked in Tommy. He could feel his shoulders lose some of their tenseness, and his jaw relaxed enough he finally sensed  the coppery taste of biting the insides of his cheeks.

“Tell me about the dreams,” Buck said. 

“That's the thing,” Tommy returned, shaking his head, ”I don't remember much. But it's... kind of gruesome, creepy. Everything's blurry, but it feels dangerous. Silly.”

“It's not. It’s how dreams work, right? Tell me why the bang outside startled you this much.”

The flashlight on Buck's cell phone went out without warning, and he hastily turned it back on. Tommy was grateful for the moment of darkness. If he would only be able to sort his thoughts. But there was nothing he could hold on to, nothing to put a finger on. The dreams, well… they had been gloomy and strange, nothing else.  

“I don’t think it’s the darkness,” Evan cautiously continued, “or if it is, it’s along with the bang we heard. You know, it… it took me a while to stop flinching at every flash of lightning. M…maybe it’s something you experienced in the army?”

Finally, Tommy turned his head to look at him. Of course he would eventually get there. Tommy didn’t like to see these beautiful blue eyes filled with so much concern, but this time, he was helpless.

“But what? I hardly remember my time in the army.” 

“Come on,” Buck went, searching his gaze, “I’m sure that’s not true. I mean, certainly, you must have experienced things you’d rather forget…”

“No,” Tommy cut him off, “it’s not that that I want to forget them. I actually can’t remember.”

Buck furrowed his brow, “That's textbook PTSD,” he said. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not. I think,” Tommy muttered, ruffling his hair. 

“You hid this from me, you know.”

Tommy heard the insecurity, even if Evan tried hard to mask it. He was trying so hard to sound confident, not at all hurt, because this wasn’t about him. That was exactly what made it so hard. Tommy didn’t know why he himself hurt, but he did, and he didn’t want to drag anyone down that road. Especially not Evan. 

“I didn’t do this on purpose, Evan,” he said, surprised at how tired he sounded. Exhausted, even.

“I know,” Evan soothed him. “We don’t need to find a solution right now. You need some sleep.”

“No,” Tommy said with a strange kind of urgency creeping up his spine. “I can’t sleep. It keeps coming back. I need to know why.”

“Okay. Fine. Let’s think about it, then we’ll lay down together, and first thing in the morning is calling the shrink. Deal?”

“You don’t have to do this, Evan. I can just…”

“Look, I don’t want you to go home, Tommy,” he was cut off intently. “We’ll get through this together.”

Suddenly, Tommy sighed, as if he had held his breath for a very long time, and though it sounded a bit like a sob, he felt way more content now. I needed to hear this, he thought surprised.

“When did this start?” asked Buck. 

Tommy wrinkled his brow. Thoughtfully, he stared upwards into the flashlight’s pale glow, which chose this moment to go out again. Buck suppressed another curse and switched his phone back on.

“Ten weeks,” he replied, “maybe twelve.”

“Well, what happened back then? I know this much about PTSD to believe that whatever happened to the power supply tonight was not the trigger. It must have started somewhere. Something at work? You didn’t crash with the helicopter, right?”

“I think you’d have heard about a helicopter crash around the time we rescued Bobby and Athena,” Tommy answered dryly. 

“Right,” Buck sheepishly returned. They exchanged a weary smile. “So that’s when the nightmares started? Do you think it’s that? It was a risk. Dangerous. We could have died. Or lost our jobs.”

“Interesting priorities that you have there,” Tommy said, sounding more like his old self now. “Nobody died and we even got medals for it. Don’t think that’s it. Moreover, I think it started a bit later. Like… after…”

His voice trailed off, and he could see on Evan’s face that his eyes must have taken on a haunted look again. But he did feel haunted. It wasn't that he really remembered, rather as if lots of little pieces suddenly fitted together like a jigsaw puzzle. Or, he thought gloomily, like a game of dominoes triggering a chain reaction.

“After what?” Evan softly asked.

There was no way he would evade this now. Not after all this, not after Evan seeing him in such a rattled state, hiding in his bathroom. “After the basketball game.”

“You mean the one with Eddie?”

“I was injured,” Tommy said, definitely not an answer to Buck’s question, “in the military, you know? That’s what the files said.”

“T…the files? So that’s what you don’t remember?” 

“I do remember that I was hurt, something hit my head. Two weeks in hospital, a honorable discharge right after, all of that is still there. It’s just … I don’t know what happened before that. What hit my head? Who was with me? What happened? It’s a blur. Nobody told me anything, you know? They said it’s amnesia, it would all come back, and they were told not to upset me. That was a lie. The files were mostly confidential. I wasn’t allowed to read what hit me or why.” 

Tommy didn’t dare to look at Evan after he got rid of all that. He stared straight ahead, or maybe into the void. 

“That's tough,” Evan said softly.

“That’s the army,” Tommy shrugged. “It’s just… the nightmares are so vivid, yet I can’t see anything. It’s more like feelings, sensations, thoughts. Everything is dark, and there are strange sounds. It feels dangerous, but also like I’m leaving somebody behind. I’m afraid, Evan. I’m afraid that I did something bad, something horrible back then, and I don’t even remember it.”

“You could never,” Evan blurted out, reaching for Tommy’s cold hands again. 

A wistful smile crossed Tommy’s lips. “But what if I have?”

“We’ll deal with it as soon as we know more,” Evan decided. “Why do you think it was triggered by the basketball game?”

The torchlight went out again as another expression flickered across Tommy's face,  but he was sure Evan didn’t catch it. He reached for his phone, but Tommy grabbed his hand and held it tight. Several heartbeats long, they sat in the darkness, silent; he didn’t want this to end, didn't want reality to return. But it was inevitable. Finally, he sighed. 

“What if it was you, Evan?”

“Me? I...”

“Let me finish. This time, I need you to listen.”

There was concern in Evan’s eyes, maybe even fear, and he hated to be the cause of it. But it was better to rip off the band-aid fast.

“It started there,” Tommy said. “But it got worse. The closer the two of us got, the more nightmares I had. I liked you from the beginning, Evan, and the game was when I realized it. As soon as you arrived, I only wanted to impress you. Wanted it then and every day after that. That’s why it’s so hard.”

“I don’t get it,” Evan returned, utterly confused.

“I love you, Evan,” he said into the darkness. 

There. He said it. Either stupid jokes or hard facts at the wrong time, that was what he was, right? Tommy heaved another sigh as he added, “I’m not saying I knew this from the beginning. What I knew, though, was that I liked you so much that it almost hurt. Hadn’t experienced that, well, in quite a while.”

“But,” Evan dared to say, “t…that’s a good thing, right?”

His voice sounded so small, so full of hope. Tommy could barely make out his frame in the darkness, but he surely looked very soft, very lovely right now. Tommy had not forgotten what Evan had told him, one night: How his ex-girlfriend had called him needy, and how he had found that to be rude, but also true. Tommy had tried to tell him, to show him that it wasn’t true. That he was worth it, and that it was adorable how he wore his heart on his sleeve. 

“I don’t know. And that’s why I’m afraid. Because… what if I really did something bad back then? What if I hurt people, killed innocent ones, what if I’m a traitor, a cheater, whatever, and it’s buried deep inside me and…”

“… and you’re afraid the dreams might show you what you did, at some point. And I wouldn’t like it.”

“Yes,” Tommy breathed. 

He had avoided this moment for as long as possible. No one liked facing their own demons, but admitting it was worse. He didn't even know what his demons looked like. All that was long in the past, it was blurred and distant – but not distant enough, obviously. Whatever he had done then, whatever had happened, maybe he would never know, and maybe it would break him sooner or later if he didn't share it. But that was exactly what Evan had offered: to share the burden. 

His tongue felt numb, everything suddenly hurt, as if that bang out there had shaken his body. It had only shaken his soul, and yet it hurt. But that was somehow a good pain, one that drove him on. He reached for Evan's hands, about to say something; there was a crackle of electricity and all the lights came back on. They stared into the light, squinting for a moment, then Tommy turned to Evan, determination in his gaze.

 “Let's go to sleep,” he said. “We can deal with this tomorrow.”

Evan looked at him insistently, as if he could see behind his forehead to read his mind, and he asked, “You gonna be able to sleep?”

“I'm more afraid of losing you than I am of the nightmares, Evan.”

The words just tumbled out of his mouth, and Evan's eyes widened.

"Why would you lose me? Tommy. Tommy!" he stammered, as if he couldn't believe this was actually true. Evan grabbed his upper arms as if to shake him, and maybe Tommy deserved it, because now he suddenly said, “You idiot!”

“I... what?” Tommy asked, dumbfounded.

“That was the strangest declaration of love ever. I wish I could have answered I know.” 

Star Wars jokes, Tommy thought. Maybe all was not lost. He still felt vulnerable, a bit like he was a huge open wound. But one that would heal. 

“Yeah, you kinda didn’t answer at all, Evan,” he said.

Now that the light was back, he could finally see him again, and it was his favorite thing to see: that radiant smile, as if the sun was rising. 

“I thought I wouldn't have to,” Evan replied. “But you know what? I want to. I love you too.”

[inawickedlittletown]

Just Let Me Adore You (BuckTommy) - 10/10

Summary: What if…instead of Chimney taking the role of interim Captain of the 118, Tommy is asked to take on the role.

Or, what happens when Buck meets Tommy in S2

Words: 2k

Notes: Title from Adore You by Harry Styles

Read on Ao3

Part One - Part Two - Part Three

Part Four - Part Five - Part Six

Part Seven - Part Eight - Chapter Nine

-

Epilogue

Several months later…

“Why is now the time?” Buck asked. 

He placed the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table and turned to look back at Tommy. Tommy who was lit up by the warm white lights shinning on the Christmas tree that he and Tommy had put up last week. Tommy had admitted to Buck that he hadn’t bothered to get a Christmas tree the last two years because he didn’t really have anyone to celebrate with. 

“I actually volunteered to be at work both times so that someone else could spend time with their family so what was the point?” 

Buck had of course immediately insisted that Tommy did have someone to have Christmas with and that Tommy definitely needed to get a tree for them to decorate. Tommy had just smiled and pulled him into a kiss and they had then checked their schedules to figured out when they could go out and get a tree. 

That was before Buck realized that he was actually working on Christmas day, but Tommy didn’t seem to mind, and they crammed a bunch of Christmasy things on their days off. With a bit of finagling they had managed to get on a schedule that had them off on the same days most weeks. Tommy did often have to be on call, especially when there was a possibility that Harbor would be called out to help with a wildfire, but that was the job and Buck knew that if Tommy was getting a call to go in, it was important. 

So far they had managed to go to a Christmas market, put lights out on Tommy’s house, gone with Eddie to The Grove for Chris to visit Santa, and even spent an afternoon at Eddie’s house building gingerbread houses. Well, Buck had gotten down with Chris and Denny while Hen, Eddie, and Tommy watched until Buck could rejoin them. 

The one thing they hadn’t managed with how busy they were, was make time to watch any Christmas movies and Tommy had a list. Buck had heard of some, but he’d never seen most. It had still surprised Buck when Tommy announced that they were watching his favorite movie tonight. 

“Wait, are you saying that this whole time your favorite movie was a Christmas movie?” 

Tommy leaned over and kissed him square on the lips. “Only kind of,” he said and handed a bottle of beer to Buck. 

Buck took it and narrowed his eyes. “That’s cheating.” 

“How?” Tommy asked as he took a seat. 

“Because I’ve been guessing since I was recovering from my leg injury and this whole time you didn’t mention it was related to a holiday.” 

“I told you every time that it wasn’t time yet,” Tommy said and he tugged at Buck’s hand until he sat down. “That was a clue.”

Buck didn’t hesitate in letting himself lean into Tommy. “Not a good one. You could have given me a better hint,” Buck said. 

Tommy kissed the side of his head and lingered there. “Yes, but your guesses were fun.” 

“Alright, so what is the movie?” 

Tommy reached for the remote and selected it. 

“Love, Actually,” Buck said. “Never heard of it. This is a Christmas movie?” 

“Sort of,” Tommy said. “I, uh, I watch it every year at Christmas. I don’t think some parts of it hold up, but something about it just…it just makes me happy.” 

Buck turned so he could look directly at Tommy. Sometimes it still surprised him that Tommy — his wonderful, hot, confident boyfriend — could be insecure. That he had these moments that brought forth all the times where he’d been lonely and unsure and where he really just hadn’t had anyone in his corner. He hadn’t had the easiest life, but there was something to be said for someone that didn’t let that bring them down. That was Tommy. It was part of why Buck loved him so much. That Tommy had stuck around during Buck’s own dark moments certainly helped. 

“Well, if it makes you happy,” Buck said and then he kissed Tommy, keeping it sweet and gentle and soft. 

They settled back into their usual movie watching position and Buck pulled the bowl of popcorn for them to share. The movie began and Buck kept his eyes on the screen. He wasn’t expecting the movie to have a bunch of storylines that didn’t seem to connect but also did in tiny little ways. He also hadn’t expected it to be British. A part of him was confused about why Tommy liked it in the first place, but then he supposed it was in the humor and the message that the movie portrayed. It was also in how there was just such a display of love and it wasn’t perfect, but still beautiful and touching. Painful even. It also wasn’t as much a Christmas movie, as it used the setting of Christmas. 

“I get why you like it,” Buck said when the credits rolled. 

“Yeah?” Tommy asked. 

“Yes. But we could have watched ages ago. It’s not really a Christmas movie.” 

Tommy didn’t say anything for a while. Then, “maybe I wasn’t ready for you to watch it so I put it off until now. And some people really don’t like it.” 

“Some people are wrong,” Buck said. 

Tommy snorted out a laugh. “Evan,” he said in that fond tone of his. 

“Well, I liked it. I guess it’s like that thing you said about that couple on the hike, how it made you believe in love because bickering and all they loved each other. This movie makes you believe in love, doesn’t it?” 

Tommy let out a breath, but he nodded. “You remember my hikers from — wow, was that back during summer?”

“As if I would forget you saying that,” Buck said. 

“I guess it reminds me that it is possible and that there are many forms of it. And, Evan, finding you, it makes me really believe how true it is. How love can exist and grow and just change your life for the better.” 

Buck couldn’t do anything but kiss him, tipping Tommy back into the armrest and letting the empty bowl fall to the ground. It was almost a practiced move from how often Buck just kinda tackled Tommy and kissed him. Tommy just brought Buck even closer and he kissed him back. When Buck pulled back, he didn’t get off of Tommy, instead he stared down at him. 

“I love you so much, you know that?” 

“You tell me every day,” Tommy said back. 

He did and it made him go warm all over every time especially when Tommy said it back. Tommy always said it back. 

“I love you too, Evan,” Tommy said and he reached with a hand to cup Buck’s cheek before he drew him back down for another kiss. 

When Buck pulled back a few moments later, he reached down to touch Tommy’s cheek, finger sweeping up an eyelash. 

“Make a wish,” Tommy said. 

“I mean, it did work the last time I wished on one of your eyelashes,” Buck said with a grin. “Maybe this time it’s your wish, though.” 

“Oh? Is that how we’re working out the distribution of wishes?” Tommy asked. 

“Of the eyelash variety, anyway. Go on.” 

Buck held his finger in front of Tommy’s lips and a moment later Tommy blew lightly and the eyelash disappeared between them. 

“What’d you wish for?” 

Tommy smirked at him. “I remember someone telling me wishes don’t come true if you share them. I’ll let you know when it does.” 

“You’re that confident?” 

“Yes, Evan,” Tommy said. “I am.” 

—

His wish came true on Christmas day. 

Tommy had planned on waiting for when Evan got off shift. Tommy had worked Christmas Eve and only arrived at his house in the early hours of Christmas Day. He’d done his best to nap before needing to head out to the party that Evan and Maddie had worked hard to put together. It had never been his plan to make that the venue. That was just how it worked out. 

Everyone’s families were running around. Hen and Karen were whispering to each other and Tommy had a feeling it was about their options for expanding their family. Christopher was laughin with Eddie and his abuela. Tommy found himself with Evan off in a corner on their own, they had only just gotten away from mistletoe where they had shared a kiss to cheers and whoops and claps.  

“This turned out well,” Tommy told him. 

“Maddie did a lot of it. Athena too. I’m glad Chris got to spend it with his dad. And I’m glad I get to see you today too.” 

Evan kissed him, more of a peck than anything. Tommy drew him back in, deepening their kiss. 

Their schedules mostly matched up thanks to Bobby and Captain Reid, but Tommy had been right in thinking that sometimes it would be hard. It didn’t help that their stations weren’t too close to each other and that when a shift went long that exhaustion meant that they didn’t see each other. Tommy had come up with a plan to make that easier. He hoped that Evan would say yes. His plan had been to ask on their next day off, but having Evan next to him on the loft of the station with everyone there doing their own thing, it kinda felt perfect. To be honest, maybe it was also that Tommy just couldn’t wait. 

“You know, this is where we met,” Tommy said. 

“It is, isn’t it,” Evan said. 

“It changed everything for me,” Tommy said. “More than I ever expected.” 

They had talked about it once when Bobby was out with a bad cold and Chim had gotten to be in charge for two shifts. Evan had bemoaned how Captain Han had acted the whole time and Tommy had had to point out that Chim might have been the Captain back when he was if he hadn’t misappropriated a helicopter. 

“That would have been awful,” Evan had said. 

“Yeah, well, the last thing I wanted was to be back at the 118. Meeting you maybe made up for it.” 

“You are too smooth, Tommy. Too smooth.” 

“We met right over there,” Tommy said, pointing towards the kitchen. “But I was blown away from the first moment I watched you walk in.” 

Evan grinned at him, pleased. “I think I was too.” 

Evan smiled at him with so much love and so much appreciation that it was hard to not just kiss Evan silly instead of asking. 

“For the longest time I figured I’d wind up alone,” Tommy admitted. “I didn’t really mind too much, but it was pretty lonely. It’s great having you in my life. Better than I could have expected. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you when you’re not around.”

“What are you saying?” Evan asked. 

“I’m saying that you should move in with me. How about it?” 

Evan beamed at him. He practically threw himself at Tommy and Tommy could only wrap his arms around him to hold him steady. 

“Are you sure?” 

As if Evan didn’t already spend more than half his week with Tommy. As If Evan didn’t pout every time he was forced to go back to his place because he needed to do laundry and he refused to use Tommy’s machines. 

“Yes. Very sure.”

Evan pulled back long enough to plant a kiss on him.  

“I’ll move in with you, Tommy,” Evan said and he hummed. “Hey, was this your wish?” 

“Yes. Figured I’d ask for an easy one.” 

“And what would have been a hard one?” 

“Oh, maybe forever?” 

“That doesn’t sound very hard,” Evan said. “Long as you’re mine.” 

“That is not in question.” 

Someone called out for them to keep it professional and someone else whooped at them. He felt Evan laugh against him and they stayed just as close. Tommy could have never imagined this, could have never predicted Evan. He had absolutely no regrets, just mostly thoughts about what the future would be like for him and Evan. Whatever it was, they would face it together. 

[saras-almanac]

I’ve seen this idea or comment multiple times: That Tommy has no character. Which is either on its own or in connection to not understanding why anyone likes BuckTommy apart from two hot guys together. I’m not going to get into the second one here, but the idea that Tommy has no character is just false and either a completely failure in media literacy at best or a blatant ignoring of canon at worst.  

Now do we know everything there is to know about Tommy? Absolutely not, and I’m not trying to claim otherwise. But I would also point that question to any of the other characters on screen: Do we know everything about Bobby, about Chimney, about Buck, etc? I would say No, we don’t. I think the one we have the most information about is Buck just purely because the framing of the first season being about his growth and also because Buck is just such an open book about pretty much everything in his life and feelings. But even still, I don’t think we know everything about him. And that’s okay!

But back to Tommy—we actually do know a fair bit about him and have seen him grow and develop a bit. When we met him in “Hen Begins” in season 2, he’s not outright rude but he is very much, “not gonna put a target on my back here” because of Captain Gerrard (and/or perhaps because he had already realized his sexuality or was beginning to uncover it). When we meet him for the first time chronologically in “Chimney Begins,” he’s more rude and pretty dismissive of Chimney’s offer of friendship, even actively avoiding him. Again, this could be because of Gerrard, the environment here where it didn’t feel like anyone was really friends per say, or it could be down to what Eli tells Chimney: That these guys are not going to let just anyone in until they prove themselves, especially not a probie.”

However, the thing that shows the most about who Tommy is and his growth is his time in “Bobby Begins,” where it’s clear he’s got a really solid friendship with Hen and Chimney, making bets about the new Captain, going out for drinks, having those looks in the engine as Bobby gets them lost. It’s clear in the narrative in season 2 that Tommy, for all of being in only 3 episodes, has grown and changed a lot. (Which is why I find it so ironic that so many people criticizing this “retcon” of Tommy’s character always forget to mention Bobby Begins where it’s clear that Tommy’s friends with Hen and Chimney. I get that some fans want a full apology, but to me it reads like that probably already happened, or at least a conversation, a clearing of the air. Not everything needs to be directly spoonfed to you.)

Tommy coming back in season 7 has shown a bit more growth, as well as showing us sides of him we haven’t seen before. His patience and kindness with Buck and the newness of their relationship and Buck’s sexuality. His humor being dry and a little dark—“We’re all gonna die anyways” or even him suggesting to give Buck flying lessons because his fees are competitive. He’s open with his vulnerabilities when he feels safe enough to do so—immediately sharing his own jealousy at the 118 to Buck when Buck’s talking about his jealousy, telling Buck he cut the date short because he didn’t want to pressure Buck. To me, it shows maybe more growth or just another side of him because we only saw him in connection to his friends, where as Buck is a love interest.

Is this a lot of information? I guess it depends on what you want. Do we know his favorite color or his interests or how he romantically woos people or what he likes to do on his days off? I would argue that we do know a decent amount of that—he likes monster trucks, I assume watching romantic comedies as his favorite movie is canonically Love, Actually, he enjoys craft beers, knows and participates in Muay Thai, has a car lift in his garage so must know something about cars or mechanic stuff, is a pilot and firefighter, enjoys flying for fun on his days off, and has a trivia / karaoke thing (I’m still not sure if it’s a karaoke trivia or trivia at a karaoke bar, the wording confused me but whatever). Honestly, that’s more information than we have about any love interest Buck or Eddie have ever had when they were just starting a relationship.  

And that’s also a huge point that I think is being missed by these types of arguments: Buck and Tommy are just starting a relationship, as in they are just getting to really know each other. So there is more to learn and uncover about each other. And honestly, we the audience are probably not going to be privy to a lot of that because it’s an ensemble show. So instead, they’ll likely show us that they’re moving forward and getting more comfortable with each other when they do interact—the kiss in the hospital reads to me as two people who’ve been spending time together and getting to know each other a lot more where they feel more comfortable. Hell, even just Buck’s change from his hesitance in episode 5 to his confidence in episode 6 is supposed to show his growth in accepting his sexuality and comfort being with Tommy.

The whole point is that the show sketches the outlines and maybe fills in some spots, but they sort of expect you to be able to still see the bigger picture of things. We know the outline of Tommy and are waiting to see it all filled in. That’s why he’s such an intriguing character and love interest for Buck—because he’s developed enough as his own person but there’s still enough blank spaces to explore with. He is the most developed love interest that Buck’s ever had, but he’s still just become Buck’s boyfriend so there’s still more to learn about him. That’s what dating and being in relationship with someone is: learning about them, their likes and dislikes, and what they are like in relationships, seeing if you’re compatible. So while there is already a massive head start in characterization than anyone else (except maybe Abby but even she wasn’t a fabulously written character and was honestly a terrible protagonist), there’s still more to learn about him and that’s a good thing. And while I can’t speak for everyone who ships BuckTommy, I can say that for me, it’s so fun to extrapolate on the bare bones of character and see how they develop in canon.

Tl;dr: Tommy does have a character. It's just a lot of showing and not telling and some people can't handle that.

[o0anapher0o]

🥲 BuckTommy please 🫶🫶

Again, this more prompt ajacent (can you tell I really struggled with the wedding vow prompts?) but at least crying at the vows is mentioned this time.

When Tommy entered the kitchen it was dark and cold. Not an entirely unprecedented occurrence but fairly rare on days when Evan had 36 hours off.

Instead he found his finance glued to his laptop, a pile of notepaper haphazardly strewn around him, clearly deep in the thralls of a research hole of epic proportions.

“Evan, what are you reading, Baby?” Tommy asked and sat next to Buck on the couch.

“An article on the legal basis for a hypothetical prenup for polygamous marriages,” Buck replied without taking his eyes of the screen.

“Okay.” After over two year together there was very little about Evan’s research sprees that could still surprise Tommy and he loved the obscure avenues his deep dives led him down sometimes. This was definitely one of those times he’d gone deep into the rabbit hole.

“Dare I ask why?”

Buck slowly tore his eyes away from his reading. He blinked a few times like he was waking up. “I was writing my wedding vows.” He seemed to pull the information from the far regions of his memory. “I guess I got side tracked a little. I actually wanted to know if dying was the same as divorce, legally speaking?”

Okay, that was a weird sentence, even for Evan in research mode, wasn’t it? “What?”

Buck, now fully back in the presence, nodded. “You know, because of the whole until death do us part thing? It got me thinking, does that mean the marriage is only valid until one of us dies? I mean, I have died. If I had been married when I got struck my lighting and was dead, would that have meant the marriage was dissolved?”

“I’m pretty sure the dying part only counts if it actually keeps you apart,” Tommy deadpanned. “And I’m not sure if it would be relevant. Unless you’re planning on dying again.” Buck shot him a deeply unimpressed look. “No. But I didn’t exactly plan on it the first time either. Besides you’re much more likely to die out of the tow of us. Especially if you fly into  another hurricane.”

“Unless Bobby and Athena go on another cruise I can almost certainly promise you I won’t. And if I get struck while flying I’ll be protected in the helicopter,” Tommy pointed out.

“So the lighting won’t kill you, but the crash when you chopper gets fried probably will. And statistically speaking lighting strikes have much higher survival rates than helicopter crashes.” “I don’t think statistics count it as death if you come back though, so if I die in a crash I probably won’t be coming back and then the whole point of your research is moot,” Tommy said gently. “And maybe we could not talk about dying in our wedding vows? Might be a bit of a mood killer.”

“It would definitely get people crying,” Buck said cheekily.

“Yeah, but I’d just prefer any crying at my wedding to be tears of joy and happiness, not fear of the next disaster that might kill us,” Tommy said.

He pressed a kiss to Buck’s head and got up. Buck pouted a little, watching his fiancé get one of the take out menus from the fridge. Admittedly food did sound like a good idea.

“What did you find out by the way?” Tommy asked without looking up from the menu.           

“Huh?”

“Does a temporary death dissolve a marriage legally?”

Buck couldn’t do anything to stop the grin spreading over his face. He was going to marry the shit out of that man.

[do-androids-dream-ao3acc]

Rock/Metal Break-Up Songs

As announced, and if you still need to dive into some sad music to get along with the BuckTommy breakup, here's my suggestions (for the few non-Swifties, I guess... 😂)

There's always been sad songs in metal. I mentioned this before, German psychologist Nico Rose even wrote a book about it (he wrote the book about why metal makes its fans happy, actually). Basically, he's concluding that metal, unlike most other music genres, acknowledges our dark sides. You may dive into the bad feelings instead of suppressing them, and in the end, that's very healthy and liberating – metal has, as he states, saved many lives.

So, it's not surprising that sad love songs or break-up songs have been there from the start. When I was a teen, there was "Still Loving You" by Scorpions, and I can't stand to hear that song anymore, it was on the radio like forever 😂 Anyway, it was 1984 when they wrote "Your pride has built a wall / So strong that I can't get through / Is there really no chance / To start once again?" And, more than 10 years before that, in the beginning of metal, Black Sabbath sang "I feel unhappy / I feel so sad / I lost the best friend /That I ever had". Also, "Love Hurts" by Nazareth is another classic: "Love hurts, love scars / Love wounds and marks".

But let's get a bit more... contemporary or modern, shall we?

One of the best sad love songs, in my opinion, is The Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin. This band is also a good source if you just want some sad, angry songs, actually...

There's a fine line between love and hate And I don't mind, just let me say that I like that

Essentially, it's a song about a dysfunctional relationship, and here we have Three Days Grace singing basically about the same:

But I still don't miss you yet Only when I stop to think about it I hate everything about you Why do I love you?

We can't leave this list without "Snuff" by Slipknot, which is basically about being let down by somebody who didn't feel the same way.

So, if you love me, let me go And run away before I know My heart is just too dark to care I can't destroy what isn't there

Now, "Lightning & Snow" by Woods of Ypres may not be essentially about love, but love is a part of it, to be precise "the loss of love". It really is a sad song for the times in your life when something happens that you just can't believe.

The loss of love has left me hollow All bliss twists into pain, where there was joy, years of grief have followed

Here we have Avenged Sevenfold with a song that's not really about a lost love but about one far away, and being in a long distance relationship sucks, believe me... been there, done that.

I love you, you were ready The pain is strong and urges rise

It will come to no surprise that metal, of course, has lots of songs about death. The song "Cemetery Gates" mourns the loss of a lover:

And when she died I couldn't cry The pride was in my soul You left me incomplete All alone as the memories now unfold

Wow, all of this sad stuff, let's have fun with meaningless sex! Wait. No. We can't because Iron Maiden have "Wasting Love", a song about the emptiness of people sleeping around (well, something along that line).

Okay, that's enough for now, it's only making me sad :) Essentially, yes, metal is a good genre for you if you want to be sad. It will also build you up again. Which is, for me, one of the best things.