#I got them planned out to varying degrees too tho

[freesidexjunkie]

I need yall to know that I have like, three BG3 fics clawing to get out of my skull and they're all being trampled by this solas fic

[swimsauce]

Twitter is busted rn so I'm gonna just write down my earthspark s3 thoughts here. Mostly ranting who gives a shit

Uugghhh this part was better overall I think. The last 3 eps are pretty good. It's still very noticeable that the script quality has decreased, the dialogue and pacing are pretty bad. But there where fun concepts, however executed to varying degrees of success. I'll just list it off

-prowl was a fun addition but wasted potential. His arc of being an older autobot stuck in his ways is good, he must learn to warm up to the terrans and live with the fact the old Civil War is over. His development is too fast and slow. He should've learned his lesson earlier and not at the end when he has a fucking wack ass convo with bee and op about how he's stepping out of line. It should've been called out sooner and his episode with robbie and thrash would've been a more appropriate place for him to learn to "trust the students" instead of being right in front of starscream. Feels like they wanted a little bit of his tfa arc without properly humbling him and giving him good character interactions (like his connection with tfa bee and sari to ground him). Thrash was right there to be his little bond mate like how jawbreaker is to grimlock or twitch is to megs, etc. His arc shouldve been tigther. Idk his gay moment with megatron was cool tho

-the chaos terrains are revived and on neutral territory. Whatever. I hope they get development instead of just being le evil robot cuz "they where born evil" is such a stupid angle.

-the decepticons going to cybertron could be neat if the story continues. But god damn what a shattered arc they had. Starscream being comically evil is still very clearly not the arc that was planned and it shows in its poor execution. Breakdown just shafting bee for the cons when in s1 he was clearly a more neutral con like tarantulas was is such wasted potential. All nuance in the splinter decepticons has been nullified, it's literally only megs who is "on the good side". It's not that I think all the cons would adjust to peace time or that they should all be so friendly but it's so annoying how it feels their arc/theme of moving on has been completely dropped.

-the quints are evil again, ok sure. If u don't got the civil war plot it's usually the quitessons as the enemy which is fine normally. But then being a splinter species much like the terrans and having a connection with robbie and mo is so neat, but it's completely disregarded because the quints just kill all other quintus prime offspring. Such wasted potential. Maybe have a good group and bad group, or some sort of nuance to the quints finding more of their kin? Idk there was that one grunt that kept getting beat up, lost an arm and head piece, I though he could've stuck around, maybe he could've aligned with the maltos after being rejected for failure, or become a secondary bad guy. Idk just anything more than literally repeating the 86 execution scene but missing all the sauce that made it good. The twist of thr gf being a quint is fine idk. Just poorly executed again

-God damn the dialogue and script is bad. Even good concepts get butchered or clearly aren't as well executed as they should've. I already mentioned the 86 reference, but the recreation misses the og point. It repeated shots used in the movie but without their purpose. In the movie hot rod and kup spin the water to purposely trip up the quints. In this the quints spin the water to push robbie/mo down further to the bottom so they can reach the bot corpses and grab a weapon? Fucking masterful gambit. . It lacks good set up and reason as to why it was done. In the movie it was to show the cunningness of hot rod and kup, the two of them being ACTIVE in their escape. In the show it's just a reference and a poorly thought out device to get them weapons. It makes robbie and mo PASSIVE in their own escape.

The whole ep with prowl and robbie/thrash could've been so fun, but prowl is so dull. He's supposed to be sharp and quick to see details, but the writting is so poor he misses shit and acts to late. When they're trying to find the quint shapeshiter and he suspects robbies gf, it would've been cool if he acted faster, maybe restraining the quint before robbie/mo catch on, maybe causing a rift in the new team, then have him proven right when robbie sees the blood. The way he just points out the blood and doesn't even move when it's entirely clear she should be questioned is such poor pacing forcthe scene. A supposedly quick witted character wouldnt just stand around when its perfectly clear someone should act. (reminds me of the dodgy writting of him in idw where it feels like the writters wanna imply hes smart without actually writting him well enough to showcase thaf fact. Lots of telling not enough showing)

There are other scenes like this where if it just went through like one or two more rewrites it would've been a solid scene, but they get held back by stupid details that just derail good character beats. It fucking sucks to see

-fair maestro sucks bring back mandroid or a similiar character. Him modifying himself with robot parts to be more like a transformer, trying to be techno organic much like how robbie/mo are techno organic . Idk he was a good foil. Maestro could be reworked to be a human who seeks out transformers for more nefarious science shit byt instead he just does stupid shit with them. Not even like fun tfa shit just lame shit. No where near as threatening as even tfp or tfas human villians.

-terrarronus slays I love her power armor power up. She's neat

Tldr the ending of the season was an improvement over s2, but man it still sucks to see how far it's falling. And I can still see so many good ideas in the show! Bringing old g1 characters like prowl is fun. Quints are cool dudes, and relevant to the quintos prime angle. The hate plague or some sort of infection episode is always a neat idea. Terratronus is awesome, I loved her use in the climax. But god damn it's so sloppy in execution. It cleaned up some of its sloppy ideas from s2, like the chaos terrans, but the thread there is still hanging. What about other autobots like prowl, it seems there are more of them around, where are they? Tarantulas is still out there, are there other neutrals or "good" decepticons still on earth, and what's their deal? Starscreams deal is so underutilized, i hope he gets at least some closure or arc that isnt shit. The chaos terrans just being evil and bratty for the sake of it is so shallow, do something more interesting with them. Maybe if the cons come back from cybertron we could get something interesting from them. Who knows. I know it's not the staffs fault, the writers room complelty changed and the animation house is different. But if we do get another season, they better clean up the plot more, they have a long way to go to fix up what they busted from s1. It sucks to see wasted potential like this

Idk I want it to be good but man 😞 fuck hasbro

[so-long-soldier28]

Idk if anyone's ever asked u this but what would ur life in tvd be like?! Including ur family ,career, friends, species etc lmao

oh ho ho, so this is certainly a thing i've considered

as someone who maladaptive daydreams all day long (whenever i'm not writing basically), trust me when i say i have an entire life planned out

in fact, the things i write frequently represent these daydreams, except i have an OC for them, whereas for writing, i am committed to the 'x reader' way

✨ including my readers in my world of delusion & fantasy ✨

but onwards and upwards…

species

first, I feel like being a heretic would be so fucking cool

like… vampire with witch powers, c'mon now… being the underdog your whole life and then rising to be the most powerful, it's gotta be redeeming

plus seems so fun

but personally, I think I'd stick to being just a witch, and I have a solid reason for this

now, being a vampire would be cool, too (and honestly I need to write more vampire reader fics), because I absolutely love the bloodthirsty, badassery of vampires

so if not a witch (bc I love the thought of being able to do magic), I would go with vamp second

I still hate the TVDU wolves. literally all of them. as someone who watches Teen Wolf now, I would LOVE to be one of those wolves, but as for TVDU, I still HATE those guys

being a hybrid doesn't sound too bad, although then both Klaus and Tyler would be all up in my business all the time, and that sounds awful

so no wolfishness for me

for species, I'd be a witch, but then I get turned into a vampire in my mid-20s

career

I need to eat, so I need to work

idk how anybody except Matt got by without a job

and like Matt, I work at the Mystic Grill, but I'm a little older than them, so I can bartend (even tho underage Matt does too)

I was going to Whitmore College, but dropped out (like I did lmao)

friends

Mystic Falls gang but in varying degrees of friendliness

most with Caroline, loving her bubbly personality; drift away from Elena when she gets tied up with the Salvatores; drift from Bonnie when she starts dating Jeremy, then drift further after the Kai debacle

also, the Originals

Kol has the title of the best friend; Bex is close, too

sometimes I'm so much of a Kolvina shipper that I can't split Kol & Davina apart, even tho I'm in love with Kol, too

Klaus is a frenemy; I like him when he's not murderous. he can be loyal when he wants to be, same with Elijah.

in fact, I liked Elijah in s2-era, but was also a little afraid. my crush fizzled out the moment I saw Kol, but then she & him became good friends instead (with both)

hooked up with Kol once or twice when he still lived in MF

friendly with Jo, but she's not really having it once I get with Kai

same with Luke and Liv... friendly, but Liv hates me after the merge

circa-season 7, I want to be friends with Nora & Mary Louise, but the MF gang works hard at keeping me away from them

amidst the chaos, I manage to get my way and befriend them anyway, earning their trust by being so close to Kai

when I die, I'm given blood by Nora, like in the fic I wrote recently, or Damon, who likes me enough to keep me alive and knows Kai would slaughter him if he ever came back and found out

seasons 7-8, I'm very much teaming on both sides, friends with MF gang and heretics, which is frustrating to MF gang (minus Caroline, who has become somewhat reliant on heretics for help with her pregnancy. + she always understands me anyway.)

frenemies

Tyler and Matt get their own category, bc I don't hate them, but they certainly piss me off

Tyler's just annoying in general, and I hate how he treats Caroline while he's away hybrid-ing

he gets better in s6 when he's trying to impress Liv & Caroline is over him. still not a friend, but less of an enemy

Matt, on the other hand, is complicated

he was my way into the supernatural bc we worked together

he had trouble keeping it from me bc vampires would always show up at the grill, and one time, he forgot I wasn't in the circle and ranted about vamps and wolves before he remembered

he and the gang still try to keep me out of it, despite my knowledge

but that all fails when Kol is undaggered, finds me alone, and we become friends

the fact that he actively hates vampires while hooking up with Rebekah bothers me, which causes tension between us

but he's stronger than he looks and loyal if he trusts you, so I try to keep him on my good side

family

my TVDU OC is the same OC I've had since I was 13 that I've slightly adapted for different fandoms

in TVDU, my parents are divorced; mom moved away, and toxic dad lives about 2 hours away while I'm in college

I hide whenever he comes to MF to visit

occasionally, my parents are dead like everyone else's

sometimes, though, I'm the older sister of other characters, but that varies per daydream

sometimes, I'm Tyler's older sister who is actually a wolf

triggered my curse young in life by accident, but didn't tell Tyler until he had triggered his own

sometimes, I'm even Matt's older sister, and he still spends every waking minute trying to keep me out of the supernatural

I've also used the Salvatore sister storyline with Kol, and Gilbert cousin one for both Kol and Kai

dating life

Kai, ofc

MF gang tried sooo hard to us apart, especially bc I'm a witch, but they lost that battle quickly

couldn't keep me from work, so whenever he'd come in for a drink and I was bartending, we'd talk

gained his trust through listening & he gained mine when I let him siphon

Matt and Damon first to realize we're friends, and know there's nothing they can do

fall into a relationship quickly

either beg Damon to spare him at the end of s6, or beg for his life in s8

had a crush on s2-era Elijah, but did a 180* and fell for Kol instead when he was undaggered

used as Kol bait when Caroline was Klaus bait, but despite a few hook-ups, never actually dated

became close friends & adore his relationship with Davina in NOLA

visit him there or wherever he is every so often

[I honestly never built a solid storyline around being with Kol or Elijah. (Elijah was my first favorite ever, and Kol's my second fave now next to Kai.) I entertain a world of delulu with Kol sometimes, but it lacks foundation.]

basically, he never died (obvs) and I move to NOLA with him (and he never dies there, too)

but I love both witch & vamp Kols, and both their actors, and I really should dedicate more time to delulu daydreams with them 😅

so, now that I've rambled...

species: witch, until Kai's death, then i become a vampire. however, if Kai doesn't die after s6, neither of us turn. (sometimes I'm feelin' heretic-y, sometimes not, what can I say?)

career: working at Mystic Grill; at Whitmore College for two years, but dropped out

friends: Caroline, Bonnie, & Elena first. Stefan & Damon post season 1 when Damon mellows out and I learn to trust Stefan. Kol & Rebekah, and I'm okay with the rest eventually (minus Finn).

family: divorced parents; mom moved and I stay away from my dad

frenemies: Matt & Tyler. s2 Klaus & Elijah. Finn, because I know he was mistreated by Klaus, much like Kol, and I want to be friends, but then he tries to kill his whole family, so I don't feel bad anymore. Then when Finn killed Kol in NOLA, he became a straight-up enemy. Also, I tolerate Alaric, but he annoys me daily in s6-8-era.

~~~

If anyone outside of this site read a single one of these sentences, I would be committed. I love fandoms / fanfiction, because all this stuff is perfectly normal to us. I love us as a community. Anyway, this was super fun to answer! 🥰 I'm sorry it took me so long!

[bunny-hoodlum]

In AWY is Hinata ever gonna date someone? I mean, she feels hella pathetic waiting around like that. Idk I just think she should explore a bit outside of Naruto. Tho I guess her personality in there won’t allow her. I can’t lie, it’s kinda painful to read. I liked when she talked to Itachi and Sasuke. She felt more of her own character than someone who’s waiting around helplessly for Naruto and doing whatever he does or says. Like a puppet or a dog without a master. It seems like she’s always the one reaching out to him even when he’s in the wrong. I wish Naruto for once will do the reaching out. You can see even in the text messages, she’s the one texting him the most and sometimes he doesn’t respond at all while she always does no matter what. Tbh I don’t know what I want from her. She’s kinda confusing and too hard on herself. When it comes to Naruto, I feel like she lacks a backbone. Sometimes it feels like he walks all over her without considering her feelings and she just allows it. She frustrates me but I can’t help but keep reading and rooting for her. I guess I want her to make Naruto jealous instead of her always being the one feeling it and forgiving him real quick and reaching out and doing the heavy lifting. Anyways, I’m happy you’ve updated AWY and glad you’re doing better!

(I apologize if this ask was rude and harsh. It wasn’t my intention. You’re one of my favorite NH fanfic writer.)

It's all good!! If this means the fic still has your investment, then you're totally fine. Sorry for putting you through the unrequited stress, haha! 🙈

Keep in the mind, the texts were from their second year of middle school, and yes they did fall off even further between then and this chapter.

At risk of telling you what you already know, they were friendly in school but uninvolved in each other's lives and it was getting that way increasingly. They finally actually talked, like, Naruto didn't just go and get distracted and forget to reply to her like before, so the old pattern in their texts was just another form of proof of how things looked before to contrast to the development happening in real time.

Hinata's pining and putting Naruto first will always be there, but as his sister. And vice-versa, that's what they're going to keep working at. I like to think that Naruto got miffed when she had to leave because he was projecting prior experiences onto her, otherwise he's all in with being the best brother and friend ever. He was ridiculously happy spending time with her the night before, that hasn't changed.

So... As for Hinata developing a life outside of Naruto, that already happened with her club and her committee responsibilities. She even believed she might be getting over him, however that in of itself was incredibly painful and she grew to believe that the distance was exacerbating her feelings, not dulling them. That's why they are where they are now. So there's no intention of revisiting that because it would be backtracking, but whatever happens to them after high school is a different matter.

As for Hinata ever dating outside of Naruto, that is planned to varying degrees of 'seriousness'. I hope to get to the Rinne Matsuri in Ch 9, as that will be the first example of this. 😘

And more jealous Naruto? I say 'more' because he's been quite weird towards Itachi and Iruka already when it comes to her and it has been my intention to play with that further next chapter. 🤔 I do have overly protective, ignorantly jealous Naruto planned as they spend more time together. I also have Naruto disappointing her by going back to his old habits of forgetting her, I just won't spoil exactly how that happens ofc.

All in all, life is gonna happen to them, and yes they should try to outgrow their worst tendencies and habits and such, figure out their boundaries, etc. I agree that it's been rough for Hinata to love him all this time and that she should only do as much as is healthy for her. I do want that to be part of the narrative, absolutely, if it hasn't already lol.

Even Naruto needs it too.

On Naruto's end, he belatedly realized that he felt scammed by Neji for entrusting her wellbeing to him. He's felt less like family over time and more like an unwilling bodyguard coerced into the role with the promise of being loved and accepted for his efforts. I think on some level, all of his forgetting about Hinata was just a reaction to having been convinced into caring about their sibling bonds when all along his own needs were going unmet, if that makes sense. That's why they had that falling out, because Hinata's words about Neji being her only family made his own repressed resentment valid.

Anyhoo, omigosh, I hope my rambling wasn't patronizing somehow. 😭

Thank you so much for reading my stuffs! I'm so honored to be among your faves! 😭💖💖💖

[scumlafeccia]

Coming from someone who was truscum in the 2010's, I think you being gendercrit and also chest dysphoric is a sign of some major cognitive dissonance and self-hatred that you really should talk over with someone outside of this hellsite. Doesn't necessarily mean you're trans—how you label yourself is entirely up to you—but you clearly have a complicated relationship with gender that will not be improved here.

That being said, I've been binding for years and can say with confidence that binders are very much a personal preference thing, so your mileage may vary with these suggestions:

Underworks: My absolute go-to for years. Their tri-top binders are my tried-and-tested favorite, but I also own a compression T-shirt from them that also binds pretty well, and I've heard good things about their econo binders as well. Sizes also go up to 3X, which is nice. The fabric can take some getting used to, being about three degrees of separation from trampoline material, but the arm holes being on the wider side makes up for that in my book.

Phluid: Honestly not sure if they even sell these anymore. I found mine in the back of a Spencer's, and I haven't found it online at all beyond a few websites talking about Phluid partnering with Spencer's to sell binders. That being said, the binder I picked up from them is surprisingly comfortable and binds incredibly well, so they're worth a shot if you do find one. Be wary though: they absolutely go by Hot Topic sizing. The sizes go up to 2XL and they run small. I'm a large in Underworks sizing, but an XL in Phluid sizing.

gc2b: More of an anti-suggestion. I never really liked their binders, and I've heard they've been using lower-quality materials in recent years. For me personally, the arm holes always felt too small for my comfort, and the fabric on the tanks had a habit of bunching up throughout the day (though this was about eight odd years ago so who knows). That said, they're the most fat friendly option that I'm familiar with, running up to 5XL, and have a wider variety of colors and prints. You'd probably be able to wear some of their tank binders out in public and just have people assume you were wearing a normal tank top. They might work out better for you depending on your preferences and circumstances.

In terms of general advice and suggestions: pick up a fabric tape measure if you don't have one already and take your chest measurements. If you wear bras already (like, ones with cup sizes) you might be able to guesstimate your chest size, but it's better to have more precise measurements for binders. Always, always check the size charts of any binder company you shop from to be sure you're buying the right size and, when in doubt, pick the larger size rather than the smaller one.

If the binder fastens with a zipper or clasp system, avoid it. Best case scenario, you're just getting a very low quality product. Worst case scenario, the pressure is being distributed very unevenly due to a flawed design that prioritizes profit over safety and you could bust a rib. No matter what binder you end up getting, don't do any strenuous exercise in it, try to stick to around eight hours of usage per day maximum, and hand wash those suckers (or at the very least use the delicate and cold water settings on your machine washer) to prolong the effectiveness of the compression material.

I hope this helps. Best of luck out there.

anon, you misunderstood. I have kind of figured out why I am dysphoric, and it's got nothing to do with being trans, even from a truscum point of view. I'm not looking to figure out my "relationship with gender" on tumblr, but I know that there's other women on here who are dysphoric and don't plan to transition, and I dont think it's bad to confront experiences. as for the binder suggestions, I've been keeping updated on tips on how to buy one since I was 14, and I'm not american so I'd need to look elsewhere anyway. thanks for the thought tho, that's appreciated

[yukiwrites]

Now, and Forever

Thank you so much for the support as always, @breeachuu !! i can't believe this is really the end of Wolfie's adventures! ToT) Thank you for sticking with me for so long! I'll miss the goodest boyo...

Summary: The alarming news that arrived the night of Wolfram and Dimitri's wedding was just as unexpected. There were signs of a new war brewing in the horizon, so they had to take up arms one last time...

Commission info HERE and HERE!

__________________________

By the time Wolfram woke up from their first night as a married couple, the inner circle of the palace sat in disbelief at the conference room.

Wide-eyed, the half manakete tiptoed to his seat beside Dimitri’s, who had his head down under his laced hands. Sensing his husband, Dimitri lifted his face, showing the hardened expression.

“What’s going on?” Wolfie asked tentatively, glancing at the people in the room: Byleth, Seteth, Gilbert, Dedue, and most of their original classmates from the Blue Lions House sat around the table.

Byleth pointed to the letter that sat at the center of the round table. “This letter arrived during the night,” she explained, then lingered her gaze on Wolfie’s. “It’s from Hubert.”

“What?!” Wolfram gasped, jumping out of his seat to pick the letter up. “But he’s-”

“Dead, indeed. By my own hand.” Dimitri spoke in a deep voice. “Yet, it seems that he had that letter ready to be sent right as the war ended, though it was misplaced for a full year until it found its way to us.”

Gilbert sighed deeply. “According to the person who brought it, the original carrier was one of his coworkers at the palace. There was only a short letter attached to it, saying to take it to the winner of the war no matter what.”

“I wonder what happened to the person Hubert entrusted the letter to…” Annette fidgeted on her seat. “What if they got caught up in the battle and…” her voice trailed off as the outcome seemed obvious.

Wolfie’s pupils shook as he lowered the letter. “But if what he’s saying here is the truth… We’re on a really tight schedule, right? If this was supposed to be sent one year ago…”

Dimitri sighed beside his husband. “Indeed. We must set out to this Shambhala place with haste.”

“And the children of the goddess mentioned here…” Wolfram glanced at Seteth and Byleth, then back to the letter.

“Yes.” Byleth nodded, making all eyes turn to her. “After the goddess granted me her power, I started recovering her memories little by little, especially in these past few months. If any of you have any questions about this, I’ll probably be able to answer them; but my plan for the church in the future does include this knowledge…”

“It will be a drastic change to what’s been believed up until now, so it will require some time…” Seteth added with a hand on his chin.

“Well, at least that letter found us all in the same place, huh?” Annette tried to lighten up the mood. “If it had arrived any earlier or later, it would’ve taken a long time to gather everyone together again!”

“Annie, we’re here for the royal wedding…” Mercedes nudged her younger friend, giggling when she blushed and hid her face under her hands.

“Ah, um, sorry about that! Not saying that it’s good that we discovered a new enemy during your honeymoon or anything but- I’m-”

“Heehee, it’s okay, Annette! We’re fine.” Wolfram smiled brightly, dispersing some of the strained atmosphere of the room. “Besides, I also think it’s lucky.” He crossed his arms, smiling proudly. “My entire family is here, too, and boy can they fight! My Father’s been itching for a fight since a while ago so I’m sure they’ll all go with us, too.”

“Will that be alright? I wouldn’t want to drag them into another war…” Dimitri looked up with worry, though Wolfie replied by sitting back down and smiling.

“It’s okay. It’ll actually be harder to tell them not to come, nyahaha…”

“Half a dozen dragons fighting by our side… Now I almost pity those who slither in the dark.” Gilbert chuckled darkly. The thought of such a sight sent shivers down everyone’s spines; they couldn’t even fathom the amount of power they had by their side now.

“Well, I don’t.” Wolfram pouted, snapping his finger on top of the letter. “Do you think I should call Mother here? She might not know the whole situation here and stuff, but she is, like, almost three thousand years old…”

Everyone but Byleth and Seteth sputtered. “Three thousand-” a collective voice choked as all eyes turned to Wolfie.

“Ah,” he scratched his cheek awkwardly. “Didn’t I mention?”

They all stared, befuddled, at their King’s consort, with varying degrees of surprise.

Dedue closed his eyes, then was the first one to move. “... I’ll summon her here.”

“Ah, thank you, Dedue.” Dimitri recovered his composure. He had heard from Wolfram that his mother was a kind of ancient being, but he had no idea of HOW ancient she was.

He now felt too humbled to even be in her presence, but that had to wait.

For now, they had a war council to run, a year after the end of the last war.

If what the letter said was true, those who slither in the dark was an ancient organization set upon decimating the children of the goddess and any who worship them. Monica, or rather, Kronya, and Tomas/Solon were known members of it, though the man who went by ‘Thales’, who only Byleth met briefly before Jeralt’s death, had taken the place of an influential person no one ever expected: Volkhard von Arundel, Dimitri’s uncle by marriage.

They had dealt a decisive blow against those who slither in the dark during the past war without realizing, as the letter explained. Hubert even snarked, saying that although the Empire had lost that battle against the Alliance and the Kingdom, they cheered inwardly at the death of such a repugnable being.

“That also may be the reason why there hasn’t been an attack from them in the past year.” Byleth added as they discussed the contents.

“If they were busy regrouping after losing so many key members… It makes sense.” Sylvain pitched in, checking the map attached to the letter. “This place’s right south of Hilda’s territory, isn’t it? Good thing she and Caspar are staying here for the time being, huh?”

“See, I told you!” Annette puffed her cheeks to her former classmate, earning a few chuckles all around even amidst all the tension of the looming threat.

“OH!!!” Wolfram exclaimed out of nowhere. “Oh, oh! Now I remember!” he jumped out of his seat, placing both hands on the table. “I don’t think I told anyone, but during that battle in Derdriu, I felt something strange oozing from the enemies… And then, when we got into Enbarr-”

Dimitri interrupted, with a hand on his chin in thought. “You mentioned that something stank, if I remember correctly.”

“Yeah! I felt that there was something familiar about them, but I never made the connection until now. So those were the people infiltrated into the imperial forces… those who slither in the dark.”

“You could smell them?” Felix asked in disbelief, frowning deeply.

Wolfram scratched his nose awkwardly.

“We have better senses than humans,” he said in a small voice, fixing his gaze on the door.

Frowning even more, Felix looked from the consort to the door and, for a moment, nothing happened.

However, soon Dedue opened the door, bringing Nidra with him.

Since she had been brought at such short notice, she wore a veil around her head to hide her ears, though she lifted it once the door closed behind them.

Those inside gawked at the sight of her, now with the knowledge of being in the presence of a being older than time itself.

Blinking, Nidra tilted her head to the side at the strange atmosphere before making her way to Wolfram. “I was told something concerning had happened.”

Wolfie nodded, glancing between Dimitri and Nidra. “Yeah, the truth is…”

Once filled in the details, Nidra took the letter and the map. “This pull I feel… around here,” she pointed to a place near the Monastery: it was Zanado, the Red Canyon, where the former archbishop and strongest of the children of the goddess, Rhea, now resided. “Does it have anything to do with this enemy?”

“Oh, wow! You can feel her from here, Mother? I could only feel it when we arrived at the mountains…”

The classmates exchanged glances around the table, confused. Only Seteth silently gasped in surprise, remembering the talk he and Wolfram had had in his office, over a year ago.

“Aheem, um- yeah she’s on our side, so it’s okay.” Wolfie waved both hands as if to dismiss the topic in a hurry.

“Very well,” Nidra put the map back on the table. “These… enemies, according to this letter, somehow resemble those who once tried to use Lady Tiki in their evil plan to conquer the world. If we had more time, perhaps she would’ve been able to infer her insight on this.”

‘Lady Tiki?!’ the classmates thought at the same time. Was it someone more incredible than the woman who lived almost three millenia standing right in front of them?! They were even afraid to ask.

“I’m afraid my forte is not strategy, as that spot is already taken by a dear friend of mine. However, I will do what I can to help this cause.” Nidra concluded, gracefully sitting down beside Wolfram. “It is, after all, a personal matter now,” she smiled, though the pressure exuding from it made the classmates freeze in their spots.

Perhaps it was true that they should pity their enemies.

_______

It would be for the best not to attract too much attention as they moved, so only a handful of people were aware of the true danger. It would do more harm than good to alert the entire population of a danger that might or might not surface in the near future.

Thus, the newly-married King and his consort set out to the Monastery -- officially, that is -- alongside the Archbishop and her consort, bringing quite a few soldiers as escorts with them.

Hilda sent an express messenger to her brother back at their territory to check if there’s been any activity around that area in the past few months, though nothing in particular popped up.

They weren’t called ‘those who slither in the dark’ for nothing, apparently.

Even in his letter Hubert mused how difficult it had been to pinpoint the whereabouts of Shambhala since they had been very careful with the types of magic they used. He had to follow their lines of supplies through espionage, but that was beside the point.

What mattered was that the headquarters was finally within their grasp, even if it wasn’t during the exact time they were supposed to know about it.

When the former classmates from other houses and the rest of Wolfie’s family had been told about the campaign, their readiness to jump back into battle was inspiring and staggering at the same time.

Even the peace-loving Dorothea immediately jumped into the bandwagon, surprising Wolfram into giving her a big hug.

There was no way of knowing the extent of the enemy forces, so although they left with a considerable number of troops under the guise of an escort, there was no shortage of worry. Even if their leaders had been eliminated, new ones would surely surface, so that wasn’t enough to let their guards down.

According to Byleth, they had been the ones who slaughtered the children of the goddess and made weapons out of their bones and crests stones out of their hearts, not to mention how they had experimented on Lysithea during her childhood or how they had kidnapped Flayn for her blood.

They had to be more careful than ever when dealing with such unscrupulous people.

“Yuck, and I thought no one could out-awful the grimleal.” Cynthia made a sour expression one night after the march. “How’re you feeling, Rammy? Are you okay?”

“Hm… I don’t think I am, actually.” Wolfram confessed as they sat near a random tent. “You know, the first mission I had to go to was… was to deal with something these guys did in a tiny village.” He shivered, holding himself as if to warm his arms from the chill. “It was horrible. I kept thinking about what you and Big Brother told me just so I wouldn’t be a crying mess for weeks.” He leaned on Cynthia’s shoulder as she scooted closer.

“Don’t worry, Rammy. Big Sis here is gonna kick their butts so hard I’ll turn them inside out.” She clenched her fist decidedly. “I’ll probably dust off my dragonstone for this.”

“Whoa, Sis, but what about your pegasus?” Wolfie gasped in surprise.

“Well, my arm in human form isn’t as strong as my,” she mimicked biting the air, “jaws in dragon form.” She grinned. “And I’m ready to fill my belly with baddies.”

“W-wait, what if they give you indigestion!” Wolfie finally laughed, making Cynthia sag her shoulders in relief.

“No amount of baddies could make MY belly upset! Not the greatest hero that ever lived, Cynthia, the pegasus-riding dragon!” She struck a pose, receiving applause from a giggling Wolfie.

Content, the big sister patted her younger brother’s head.

_____

Despite being cheered up by Cynthia, Wolfie still worried as they marched, to the point that he was unable to sleep sometimes.

Dimitri, as one with a light sleep, noticed when his husband tossed and turned in bed. “Wolfram…”

“Ah, did I wake you? I’m sorry, Dimitri.” Wolfie slapped both hands over his mouth. “I’m just so nervous about it all,” he scooted closer, hiding in Dimitri’s embrace. “I keep remembering Remire village…”

Dimitri softly hugged his husband back, digging his face into his thin neck. “Indeed, that was a terrible experience for me as well, at the time. But we will put an end to all of that suffering, now once and for all.”

“Put an end to the suffering…” Wolfie mused. “I hadn’t thought about that. I was so focused on all the evil they did and how strong they must be, I wasn’t looking ahead!”

Chuckling, Dimitri kissed Wolfram’s forehead. “To think the student would become the teacher,” he smiled. “You were the one who taught me to think of the good I could make, so I’ve been taking it to heart.”

“Mhm,” Wolfie grinned, feeling pride well up inside his chest. “Thanks for reminding me of it, Dimitri. I think I can finally have a good night’s sleep, thinking of the good we can do.”

“That’s good.” Dimitri nodded, bringing Wolfie closer into his arms. “The weather gets warmer the further we get from Faerghus, but…”

“Of course, I’m not trading your hugs for anything, not even if it’s too hot!” Wolfie giggled, rubbing his face on his husband’s strong chest.

Under loving giggles and soft embraces, the rulers of the Unified Fódlan fell asleep in one another’s arms on the eve of their arrival.

_____

The entrance to Shambhala was within a mountain, under many strange and familiar contraptions -- they resembled those who lifted them downwards to the Holy Tomb. The air was still and hard to breathe the deeper they went, but under the eerie lights embedded on the walls and the constant flow of dark mages, there could be no doubt about it: they really were in the heart of the enemy.

Byleth took the charge as she had always had, though this time her Sword of the Creator shone brighter than ever, ready to soak up all the blood its owner had spilled to create it. There were Demonic Beasts and Titanuses blocking their path left and right, but with the collective might of mages and dragons, they, too, fell like dominoes to the Kingdom’s might.

There were many traps to be disarmed as they swooped in, some that they had never seen the power of -- like the Javelins of Light, that had decimated Zanado a millenia ago. Though they all equally fell to the Kingdom army due the incompetence of the organization's new leaders.

Once they descended some dozen floors, never stopping with killing everything in sight, they arrived at a room with oval compartments around the walls.

There were eleven of them, with the biggest one menacingly standing in the middle.

Cautious, Byleth asked Yuri and Ashe to approach, as the stealthiest ones in the team, but the moment they took the first step into the room, smoke rose up from the tubes connecting to the compartments.

“Archwind!” Henry shouted immediately, dissipating the dangerous-looking smoke into nothing.

It revealed that the doors to the compartments opened upwards, one by one, revealing dead-looking people inside.

They were grey as ash and the putrid smell that filled the room told the army that something that defiled even Death stood in front of them.

“Seiros…” the man in the middle, who towered over even Dedue at almost 3 meters tall, grunted in a guttural, animal-like voice. He took a whip-looking thing from his waist, immediately whipping it ahead -- straight in Byleth’s direction.

She blocked it with her Sword of the Creator, noticing that that was no whip: it looked exactly like her sword, though it was bathed in black.

“You’re…” she widened her eyes in surprise. “Nemesis!”

“What?!” the army gasped in surprise behind the Professor.

“Then those ten are…” Dimitri’s words trailed off as the 10 Elites each brandished a shadow copy of their original Relics. “Quick, to arms! Do not let them gather their strength!”

“I’ll keep Nemesis occupied! Defeat the others!” Byleth rushed ahead.

Although the room was enormous, it didn’t fit all of the units they had brought, especially not the draconic ones in their original forms. Due to that, Wolfie’s family had to fight in their human forms, though they were no weaker than before -- Nidra especially, who had perfect control over her dragonstone to allow it to give her the strength equivalent to her dragonic form without completely transforming. She fought with her fists.

By her side, Henry cackled maniacally, loving that new side of his wife.

The battle against the revived 10 Elites was over embarrassingly fast, though no one dared to mention it aloud. Perhaps it was because they had just been resurrected, or just because the Kingdom army was just that strong.

One thing was for certain: the moment the last of the ten fell, Byleth’s sword managed to wound and then kill Nemesis, as if he had been protected by magic that connected all of them to him.

“Humph,” Byleth whipped her sword back into its original shape. “It was good that we were informed of this place when we did. I think those who slither in the dark wouldn’t unleash this threat until this age was over, so we managed to protect future generations.”

“We saved the future of not only one, but TWO worlds!” Cynthia threw her elbows back in a pose. “Now I can rub that in Owain’s face, mwahaha…!”

No one truly heard, or simply ignored, her words as they all came to terms with the victory.

“Was this the last floor? Did we really do it?” Someone asked.

“I can’t believe there was so much hidden underground,” another person mused, though, by far, the most common reaction was a shout to the sky.

“We won!!!” They cheered.

It was a mission that ended as quickly as it arrived, though it was by no means easy on their hearts. To be thrown into another war right after being able to stand after the last one made the soldiers’ hearts waver.

Yet, now it was all over.

“I’ll have to make sure there weren’t more of these around the land,” Byleth mused to herself as Seteth wiped the blood out of her face with the worry of a very concerned husband.

“That this place existed at all is already unimaginable enough… But true, we shouldn’t overlook that possibility.”

On the other side of the room, Wolfie hugged all of his family and his husband in turns. “We did it!! Thank you so much, everyone! I don’t think we could’ve ended this so fast without you.”

“Of course you couldn’t! Not without the duo heroes, Cynthia!” Both Cyn and Cynthia struck an ‘x’ pose as petals magically exploded behind them.

“Nyahaha…” a glint shone in Henry’s eyes as he helped flaunter his daughters’ antics.

His heart full, Wolfram’s nose itched with tears. “Thank you so much, really, thank you… Now we can truly, finally be at peace.”

Dimitri slid one hand to Wolfie’s waist. “Indeed. Your help was invaluable, mother-in-law, father-in-law.” He bowed.

“Wow! This makes me feel so old!” Henry giggled, waving his hand to Dimitri’s bow. “It’s fine, I’ve been wanting to spill some blood for a while… hey, be sure to call on me if you need something killed, alright? There’s not much fun- aack, owowow, Ni-Ni!”

Pulling her husband’s ear, Nidra sighed. “Pay him no mind, Dimitri.”

Dimitri blinked, then laughed as warmth enveloped his chest.

It would take a bit of getting used to to finally accept that he now had a family -- and a really big and diverse one at that.

Yet, whenever he held Wolfram’s hands in his, he couldn’t help but accept that reality readily. Truly, only bright days waited ahead of them.

The party dissolved little by little as they returned home.

Hilda and Caspar stayed at the former Alliance to visit her home and tell them the good news of their victory. There was also another set of good news that would visit them in a few weeks’ time, the first of many, many new members of their little family.

Dorothea returned to Enbarr to be with her husband, Ferdinand, and help him rule over his domain. She brought him the news of what Thales had done as Arundel in the Wrym territory, and the both of them wondered if they had ever met the real Arundel at some point in their lives or if those who slither in the dark had truly been infiltrated so deep into the Empire for that long.

Byleth and Seteth headed back to the Monastery, though first they stopped by Zanado to tell Rhea of everything that had happened. They didn’t call on her before since she was still recuperating after five years of torture at the only place she had called home since ancient times, but now that Nemesis had been defeated once and for all, she deserved to know the truth. Rhea weeped for her mother and brethren for the first time in centuries, somehow managing to let go of a lot of resentment and attachments, which stabilized her aura considerably.

Now, Nidra wouldn’t be able to sense her from Faerghus like before.

As the new Archbishop, Byleth would spread the truth of what actually happened at the creation of the Church of Seiros, though she would be doing that over the centuries with Seteth by her side.

Dedue and Mercedes finally went on their trip to Duscur, though Dimitri said that if they wanted to take permanent residence there, he would do his utmost to bring the land back to fruition. Dedue was conflicted at first, since he wanted to serve Dimitri for the rest of his life, but the prospect of rebuilding his land beside the one he loved moved his heart like never before. Besides, it was only a week of travel between Duscur and Fhirdiad, so they could see each other any time.

Cyn and Ingrid established a new Pegasus Order in Fódlan, based on the one from Ylisse. Even though Cyn’s pegasus looked different from the others, it was by no means weaker or slower, so it was easily accepted into the group at the barn.

Claude, now crowned King of Almyra, would sometimes visit Fhirdiad in diplomatic missions, so his promise with Wolfie was fulfilled now that they could meet whenever they wanted. As Cyn was Wolfie’s personal guard, she and Claude saw a lot of each other whenever he visited, and there were some glances…

Cynthia, Meliodas and their spouses moved into their family’s castle, bringing new life into it even after Wolfie and Cyn’s departure.

Surprisingly, the one who visited the most was Henry and not Nidra, though he liked to study Fódlan’s magic more often than not -- it was said that the innate magic he learned could decimate a few dozen armies, though that wasn’t put to practice. … Yet, anyway.

Nidra learned how to braid her hair around her ears from Dorothea, so now she didn’t need to walk around with the veil anymore. She divided her time between visiting Robin in her detached palace and Wolfie in his, so she was by no means staying still, though she still relished in taking naps under the oak tree in the garden.

Wolfram and Dimitri, years later, would decide to adopt a child to be the heir to the throne, though first and foremost they would treat him like their own son before he was to be the next king.

Family was, after all, everything that mattered.

Now, and forever.

[freddieandersen]

Hello! I know you posted the stuff about “G-d wanting Adam and Eve to eat the apple, that’s why he told them where it was” thing a while back, but I’m extremely curious as to if your rabbis said why he then punished Adam and Eve (and the rest of humanity) for doing exactly what he wanted. I understand if this is too big a question and I can go research this elsewhere; just curious bc that’s the first time I’ve heard of anyone saying that theory directly!

hey anon there's like a 97% chance u will never see this but thanks for asking and i really wish i could remember what my rabbis said about this (because it definitely came up in the discussion)-- my best (but extremely loose) recollection is that it's got something to do with reframing the "expulsion from eden" not as a punishment but as an assumption of responsibility. like, you're mature enough to make your own choices, which means you're mature enough to take on the work of the world/tikkun olam. and with that comes some discomfort and struggle. moving out of your parents' house is a big step that comes with a lot more freedom to make your own choices and to act as you deem right, but also a lot more mundanity and responsibility to handle (in this analogy the pain of giving birth is basically having to pay your own bills).

there's also an understanding in (some) jewish tradition that sometimes g-d is straight up wrong! there's a talmudic moment where the rabbis are trying to solve a problem, and g-d shows up, and they tell g-d to leave because by giving the torah over to humans, g-d has relinquished a degree of control over what we do with that torah-- g-d, being not a human dealing with the reality of life on earth, doesn't get to decide what we do with the insights we've been given. which i mention in order to say that if the expulsion was intended as a punishment, and not as an element of a larger lesson about personal responsibility and independence, that choice by g-d doesn't necessarily have to be taken as morally right. g-d is extremely not just like, a person with extra knowledge and power, but also g-d doesn't have to be understood to be infallible.

as for the snake getting delegged tho i got nothing. i remember that i have gotten an explanation and i also have no recollection whatsoever of what it might have been

disclaimers: 1) not a rabbi! just a person doing their best to reassemble something that they've been told. 2) i am sorry that i don't have any textual citations on hand for this 3) other jewish interpretations may vary widely, so like, this definitely isn't The Jewish Perspective TM. it's at best /a/ jewish perspective. probably not even a dominant one, just one that i find particularly compelling 4) some traditions take the torah as literal. some take it as a series of stories and analogies we tell ourselves to help us understand ourselves, our communities, and our world better. this particular interpretation is loosely "if this did happen as it's told, why would it have happened like that, given a modern understanding of morality"

if you wanna look into torah stories that involve making decisions that are morally gray at best and that involve having discussions with g-d about what the fuck is up, i'd recommend reading about the akedah/binding of isaac, sodom and gomorrah, and the relationship between the two (abraham argues with g-d on behalf of sodom, but a few chapters later, doesn't do the same for his own son-- and our sages note that g-d doesn't speak to abraham ever again after the akedah. one relatively prevalent take is that the akedah was a test for abraham, and that by failing to protect his son, he failed. a related take is that after arguing and bargaining and trying really hard to avoid the destruction of sodom, and watching it burn anyways, abraham was traumatized and resigned to the idea that he wouldn't be able to protect his son even if he did try, so why bother. shoutout to mary oliver for the quote "that g-d had a plan, i do not doubt. but what if his plan was, that we would do better?")

[soft-ris]

CP - 👽 - If that last slot is open, I'd like to request for a friend. Hes 5'8, brown eyes, brown short hair. He's very friendly, likes to talk a lot but is an introvert. He likes D&D, horse riding and plants. He has a phobia of needles and wasps. He is very generous with everything but money, he hoards money in his bank account. He's usually non violent but has punched someone to the hospital once because they insulted his mother. He's a cool dude. His favs are Jonathan, Wamuu and Melone.

Cupid’s Pick for your match made in heaven is...

... Jonathan!!

He's usually nonviolent but has punched someone to the hospital once because they insulted his mother.

Jonathan and Wamuu gets it.

Jonathan mainly because he too would punch someone if they had insulted someone he cared for, and the result would be the same as yours because fuck you see his muscles right?? Yeah, that’s that strong protective couple vibe y’all both emit <3

He might be a gentleman, sweet and positive, but if someone talks shit about your loved one? He’d throw in an extra punch for you too because NO ONE talks about your mom like that. He’s got your back, and he knows you got his too HMPH

Wamuu is all about fighting and honour, so he gets it. He would’ve had the same damn reaction (but I think rather than a hospital, they’d be in at the funeral home…). He also would have a whole new level of respect for you because damn, you can fight and you’re filial? He’s bringing out a ring and it’s not a poisoned one, that’s for sure.

I’m not gonna say all 3 of them would get turned on by that because they think it’s hot… (but they wouldKSKSKSKSK, just at varying degrees ofc).

He's a cool dude.

I can see Jonathan low-key swooning tbh? He himself is more of a gentle giant, like sure he was popular, but he never really saw himself as a ‘cool’ guy (imo). So when he sees how cool you are, it’s probably how his crush started. Just admires it and has stars in his eyes like ‘damn, my boyfriend’s so cool’ type of shit uwu. Would definitely be one of the first qualities about you that he brags to others about.

He likes D&D, horse riding and plants.

Jonathan looks like he horse-rides as a hobby? So horse riding dates are for sure a thing between the two of you. Y’all can ride a horse together into the sunset, or race and see who would win in a friendly competition with cute (or nsfw) bets and rewards and punishments, & etc. Just very cute horse riding centered couple’s activities/dates uwu

Melone looks like he’d understand D&D the quickest, with Jonathan being second & Wamuu being the slowest to pick it up (pls be patient with these 2KSKSKK). Melone can even do a 3D holographic version of it probably lol

Jonathan also looks like he’d indulge in your plants interest. Asking you questions, listening to you talk about them, and all that jazz. Would even buy you some if you want (as gifts). I can’t see him remembering the scientific names of the plants well, so him mispronouncing some of them would be a cute little inside joke between y’all uwu. He also remembers your favourite(s) and would press them into bookmarks or into a necklace or something equally sweet as a gift for you

He has a phobia of needles and wasps.

Out of all the 3, I think Jonathan would be the one who wouldn’t push you to get past this fear or do something weird with it to you. He’d understand and try to keep these things away from you as much as he can. Like if a wasp appears near you? Mf will punch it away or hamon it away, that’s 10000% for sure. Needles in the vicinity? Gone before you can even notice its presence. Overall very thoughtful and sweet about it.

Wamuu, I can kinda see him trying to get you to stop having a phobia of these things. Would ask you to fight it somehow and make it into a battle analogy somehow lol

Melone would file it under your phobia facts and might or might not try to get you to stop having a phobia of them too, but much less active in his plans than Wamuu I feel.

He's very friendly, likes to talk a lot but is an introvert.

That’s cool because Jonathan is a warm soul and a sweetheart. He’ll listen to everything you have to say, he’ll give you space when you tell him, and he won’t be pushing you to hang out if you tell him no. He’s friendly too so y’all would hit it off easy, and his more extroverted nature would pair well with your introverted nature. It’s as they say, complimentary traits for that good balance between a couple yk?

He is very generous with everything but money, he hoards money in his bank account.

I can see Jonathan falling for your generous personality trait. He thinks it’s sweet in how you are so kind hearted and have a lot to give. IMO I can’t see him necessarily understand the money bit since he came from a rich family, but he does know money has a lot of value and over time, he would get why you hoard money. It doesn’t grow on trees after all. Would ask for financial advice or tips from Speedwagon if you need any in order to increase the numbers in your bank account tho

Wamuu doesn’t get why because money doesn’t matter to him lol, he’s more of a fighting and honour and loyalty to his masters type of guy. While he doesn’t get it, that won’t mean if he sees something worth lots of money he won’t give it to you because he will. Wamuu would equate your love of money to his love of fighting and honour, and he’ll gift you with expensive stuff or just money in general for your bank account.

Melone toooooooootally gets the whole money bit. His whole team tried to go against Diavolo because of power and money too, so he 100% gets the hoarding money thing. Won’t judge you on it. I can also see Melone taking advantage of your generosity if you’re a push over? So make sure to call him out on it and reign him in if that happens (he’d probably enjoy that too if yk what I mean lmao)

[didnt-hear-idsb-live-again]

alright everyone, now that most people have been chased off the internet ‘cause it’s late and i’ve got a drink in hand and i’m still seeing posts about this, it’s time. 

i used to be like the k*ylors. i have been through more than them. i have, in fact, been through more than any US marine combined. 

i am holly, tumblr user idsb. here is a random cup of tea you never fucking asked for. maybe it will provide wisdom. maybe u will get a laugh. but this is my story

i am an ancient stan. I was on Twitter when you tweeted by texting 404-04 whatever you wanted to tweet from your fucking Envy3. I was on Twitter when they had to re-structure their entire trending system because ‘Justin Bieber’ had been the #1 worldwide trending topic for a year straight, and then when that still didn’t even fix it so they had to ban him from trending altogether. I’ve seen things. i know things.

the first fandom I was in was Adam Lambert’s. #Glamberts because, idk, 2009. I had been a fan of him since Idol, but I made a twitter account and joined his fanbase on the night of the 2009 American Music Awards. the night he, infamously, kissed his male keyboard onstage. that performance was a fucking disaster. a fucking! disaster! the vocals were bad and to this day i don’t even know how someone with his voice could have bad vocals if they tried. the whole thing was a raunchy ass mess. it was rock & roll, and they’d literally met that day. His keyboardist said the same, and, oh yeah, the keyboardist was straight, it was just a wild & fun thing.

it was a Wild Night that went down in fandom history, and then we all forgot about it.

on June 22, 2010, we were about a week into his first headlining tour. NYC. Adam has a song called Fever, with the lyrics, “there he goes, my baby walks so slow, sexual tic-tac-toe" he, onstage, during that lyric, looks the keyboardist - who has since been promoted to bass - in the eye and they both lean in and kiss. in front of 5,000+ people. and it’s like??? romantic.

he does it the next night. and the next night. and the next night. he does it every night. these kisses aren’t scripted, nor are they planned, because some nights, they accidentally kiss for too long (excuse me?!?) and forget they have to be playing / singing / dancing and fuck up the entire verse of the song for everyone else onstage. they’re varying degrees of cute lil kisses, and there’s always tongue. This guy, the bassist on this tour, Tommy Joe Ratliff, insists he’s straight. Adam Lambert says this is a part of rock & roll. Meanwhile, everyone on the tour crew tweets jokes that Tommy is a “gay christmas elf” “the bottom” etc. 

Providence, RI. The show I was at. They kiss during that song, Fever. As Always. And then during the band intro, the whole band takes 3 shots each onstage. (why? who tf knows. but they get WASTED). Adam goes up to Tommy and puts an arm around him. “and THIS,” he says, “is Tommy! Tommy likes girls! But he also likes THIS!” and proceeds to grab his fucking face and kiss him for 30 straight seconds. ON STAGE. IN FRONT OF 5,000 PEOPLE. they’re literally standing there making out. ON STAGE. IN FRONT OF 5,000 PEOPLE. INCLUDING ME, MY 13 Y/O VIRGIN ASS EYES. Adam’s gay but Tommy’s straight tho, except Adam literally just said he wasn’t, except the party line in interviews moving forward is still that Tommy’s straight.

Miami, FL. The whole tour crew is on the beach. Adam is seen with Tommy while the rest of the crew is in the water or some shit, and then all the sudden, Adam, who is known for being very like uwu love everybody pacifism!!!! and looks like he couldn’t hurt a fly, is kicking the ever-loving shit out of a paparazzi and admittedly reaching to try and take his camera.

OKAY.

they keep making out onstage and tweet every other night about how straight Tommy is.

OKAY. 

Australia & NZ, it’s Tommy’s birthday. They kiss during Fever. they kiss during the band intro, and then they cover Enter Sandman as an encore because it’s Tommy’s favorite song (random, other band members had birthdays on tour and they didn’t do anything like this, but okay). They play half the song and then just literally fuck up and stop playing because Adam forgets the words and they make out instead. ????!???!?!?!?!?!!? they both keep being asked. over and over and over, they say they’re performing a fantasy for the fans. the word fantasy gets used over and over and over. (you’re performing a literal softcore porn????? um okay interesting aesthetic choice)

Europe. Tommy abruptly leaves the tour for 2 days with no explanation, then comes back. Upon his return, when they kiss onstage, it’s AGGRESSIVE. like, it’s literally fuckign alarming. 14 y/o me and the whole ass fandom started HIRING people to go to these shows every night to take HQ video of the performances so we could see them. Adam is literally GRABBING his face and fucking EATING it. they’re GROPING each other onstage. they miss half the fucking song because of....... this. 

r u??????? fOR REAL RN???? this was tame I couldn’t find better ones but I saw some X-RATED SHIT y’all

In Helsinki, Finland, Adam is seen taking Big Brother Finland contestant Sauli Koskinen into his room. They’re photographed making out all over the bars in the city that night and it’s ALL OVER the paper. The next night, the kisses abruptly stop for a week (lol ur fooling??? who????). They continue for the remainder of the tour, but they’re extremely docile compared to the MAYHAM my 14 y/o eyes were subjected to.

The theory is, they met the night of the AMA’s, Tommy realized he was NOT straight from that kiss and promptly began dating after, Adam cheated on him, and chose the other guy. Years later, Adam does a track-by-track explanation of the album that followed this. No tracks have anything to do with this - except for one. One track contains the lyrics, “I fed you a fantasy, but you've been drunk on reality; all you want is to be wanted, as long as you get it out of me”. When he gets to this track, he literally just says, “I’m not explaining this”. Tommy was fired briefly after this era ended (he liked tweets confirming he was fired, and was liking tweets from people mad & down in the dumps about it for over a month).

listen to me, Kaylors. LISTEN TO ME. i have been through it. I have been. THROUGH it. 

I have been through It, the It that you all THINK you’re going through, more than anyone has ever been through fuck all of ANYTHING. THEY, TO THIS!!!! DAY!!!!!!! have never said what happened or fucking BUDGED on this entire thing. Tommy is straight, and yet has never once been seen with a girl since. Adam only ever dated Sauli. it was all “in the name of rock & roll.”

my point is i never ever ever got my answer. And we had 500,000 smoking guns. we could hold a court of law about it and a judge would declare they were dating without a fucking second. we didn’t even have to LOOK for evidence. it was ALL. THERE. in literal black and white. it was EMBARRASSING. 

so I have 2 things to say: 1 - your stories and your proof and your connect the dots ain’t shit. your connect the dots nonsense is embarrassing in the exact opposite way. and 2 - my impossible lying conspiracy theory but it’s really not never came clean. they never did and it was THIS obvious. If they haven’t told you, IF this nonsense you’re doing harder gymnastics than Simone Biles for even IS true, and it hasn’t come out yet you are never, you are never ever ever ever EVER gonna know. Let it be and let them live in fucking peace. thanks and GOODNIGHT.

[celestialvexation-arch]

Willry for the ship ask.

Who asks the other on dates: william, for sure. at this point, henry is gradually getting over the fact that he’s actually having feelings for another man so when will propose a (private) romantic dinner, he acceptsWho is the bigger cuddler: definitely william. he realizes that it just makes henry all flustered and sputtering whenever he’s to be held gently like that so he often initiates it~Who initiates holding hands more often: will, tho it’s more like physically pulling him into whatever activity he has planned for the both of them. henry’s so embarrassed that other people are either staring or giggling at themWho remembers anniversaries: i’d say both! the day they officially got together is fresh on their minds and while they are often busy / distracted at work, their calendars often have that specific day markedWho is more possessive: surprisingly enough, henry. it may have been due to him already losing charlie, after his ex-wife divorced him earlier – so there is no doubt some possessiveness going on whenever he’s to see william being sweet talked to by either the customer or some business partnerWho gets more jealous: i would say both of them, tho at varying degrees since william is confident that henry is his and wouldn’t even dare leave himWho is more protective: henry, mostly. not to say that will isn’t either, but the man has already lost so much and he isn’t looking to lose his best friend, now boyfriend to this supposed curse of the franchiseWho is more likely to cheat: neither. both are loyal to a TWho initiates sexy times the most: that would have to be william, hee hee. the man just can’t keep his hands off henry, all for the sake of having to rile him up or to watch him go redWho dislikes PDA the most: henry. while he is opening up about his feelings towards will, he is still very withdrawn in having to give public affection. perhaps he can sneak in a kiss when no one’s looking but that’s about itWho kills the spider: both. hell, henry’s sure to get a hairspray and lighter to have that thing reduce to ashesWho asks the the other to marry them: “ah, henry? what is this?””it’s a rock. what do you think it is?” ”…it’s a very pretty rock.” ”it sure is.””…….””…….””…….””i can take it back if – Gah! You’re hugging me too tightly! I need to breathe!” Who buys the other flowers or gifts: no flowers, but i’m sure that both would absolutely give each other small things like watches, tickets to a local game, or even a plush from the dinerWho would bring up possibly having kids: well….william still has his children, and henry’s perfectly content with thatWho is more nervous to meet the parents: neither, since either side are deceased or out of the state / countryWho sleeps on the couch when the other is angry: henry. william just has that look that tells henry to shut up and sleep, especially if he’s been drinking since his alcoholism hasn’t completely gone away and henry is too lazy to clean up at timesWho tries to make up first after arguments: i’d say both but definitely henry since he’ll mention that it’s his first time ever being in this sort of relationship, and he didn’t think he’d find love in general after everything that’s happened. william would start off soft before having to be physically affectionate once he knows he’s in the clearWho tells the other they love them more often: mostly william for reasons above in which he just loves to tease henry – tho henry himself tells will how much he loves him with his own subtle touches and gestures

[shsldepressedlesbian]

Jesus Christ please tell me mORE about these characters I only know three things about them but I’m invested

hahhshahha im glad people wanna hear about them,, ok here we go, character info dump:

like i mentioned in a previous ask, the characters were created using sets of nine images, and thus they went through a certain degree of changes, though not all of them

if anyone wants to see me make the fic,, then i just might do it-

heres funfacts about the characters, cause as i noted before, i lovv them all very much:

Yuuki Mori, Ultimate Wedding Planner

Likes: bubblegum, streamers

Dislikes: wooly sweaters, dodgeball

D.O.B: October 12

Height: 5'1" 

- the protag girl,,

- for the most part, a very friendly and hyperactive gurl

- always carries around bubblegum with her

- her interesting in wedding planning stems from her grandmothers encouragement, as well as having many relatives, and thus shes attended a lot of weddings in her life

- neat freak

- surprisingly athletic

- social!! but shes a little judgemental of people

- would never intentionally insult anyone outloud

- incredibly persistent

- also has a very sharp memory and eye due to her job as a wedding planner, which helps with investigating

- avoids conflict if she can

- not hard to convince

- trans and bi, like all dangan protags are suppose to be

- smells like bubblegum flavored cake and lavender

Emica Abiko, Ultimate Student Council

Likes: blank paper, lavender

Dislikes: deadlines in general, decaf

D.O.B: May 25

Height: 5'5"

- the mom friend

- tries to be as friendly as possible but shes this close to snapping

- is surviving on pure will and caffeine

- orderly

- has a strong sense of responsibility and leadership

- her dad is actually the principal of the school, which is the whole reason why shes student president in the first place. because of this, she doesnt really believe she deserves a spot in the school

- ambivert

- 'takahashi PLEASE put that down-'

- smells like vanilla coffee and stress

Arata Abe, Ultimate Historian

Likes: globes, sunshine

Dislikes: tiny dogs, flat earthers

D.O.B: June 14

Height: 5'7"

- a classy man

- very curious

- and nosey

- writes everything down in his trusty notebook, which helps with investigations

- doesnt just study japanese history. hes interested in the past of almost all countries

- very neutral on almost everything, doesnt have many opinions of his own

- but one thing he does have a strong opinion on is hating hetalia (who doesnt?)

- dresses like a victorian

- acts like he hasnt had a social interaction with a human being in years

- smells like old books and cats

Mitsuo Nakashima, Ultimate ???

Likes: dark rooms, wifi

Dislikes: confusing websites, superstitions

D.O.B: December 25

Height: 5’6”

- has not slept in a week but its fine

- very insistent on keeping secrets

- not even his classmates know who he or his talent is

- chooses not to tell anyone his talent (for some reason)

- does not believe in luck. at all

- for a tired guy who has no sense of left or right, hes pretty cocky

- probably has a tragic backstory

- spends most time locked in a dark room

- will fall asleep in a random hallway

- it might be the fatigue and coffee talking, but hes surprisingly intelligent

- smells like dirty laundry and ramen

Asuka Ando, Ultimate Student Council Treasurer

Likes: jewelry, mythology

Dislikes: delinquents, air horns

D.O.B: January 11

Height: 5’8”

- that one blonde chick in every slasher

- very cocky because of her position

- convincing and manipulative

- also good with management as you would expect from a treasurer

- was a math whiz in middle school

- despite acting in control, shes very reliant on emica telling her what to do

- hides behind bigger people

- collector of jewelry

- smells like chokingly sweet perfume and bleach

Manabu Ueda, Ultimate Astrogeologist

Likes: tea, stargazing

Dislikes: broken glass, slime

D.O.B: October 25

Height: 5’8”

- a polite boi, admirable

- more or less on the quiet side, tho he can and does step in to say stuff, and he does enjoy conversation

- his talent is something he grew from his own ambitions, but rather, it was more of a family line thing. he still does enjoy astrogeology though, which is why he chose to continue it even when he got a chance to study something different

- as you would expect from the ultimate astrogeologist, he contains many facts about space hes willing to share

- compliments others pretty often if we’re being real here, overall more of an optimistic realist

- however, even then, hes more of a ‘act first ask questions later’ type of guy as well

- a bit on the vain side?? very proud of his looks

- is very attracted to women who can beat him up-

- smells like expensive perfume and moondust

Seiichi Miyamoto, Ultimate Slam Poet

Likes: ink, protests

Dislikes: alcohol, peer pressure

D.O.B: August 26

Height: 5’5”

- best boy

- despite having the public image of a very loud and passionate young man, in person hes a lot more quiet and polite

- very good with voice shifting

- pulls at his tie when hes nervous; because of this, its always loose around his neck

- was the rep of his class

- slam poetry is a form of venting for him

- has strong opinions

- cares more about others health then his own

- not shy, just very nervous

- smells like nature and scented markers

Tamotsu Fujimoto, Ultimate Tomb Guide

Likes: sand, the heat

Dislikes: slippery ice, pens

D.O.B: November 19

Height: 6’4”

- the dad friend

- has known masa since they were kids(they met in a hospital), and thus they are very close friends

- mature but also laid back

- gives good hugs

- muscular

- wasnt actually born in japan, but grew up in it for the most part

- his parents were archaeologists, and they traveled alot. he was always particularly interested in the history of egypt, rather than becoming an archaeologist like his parents originally wanted him to be

- strong sense of justice

- usually believes in redemption

- acts as a form of transportation for the others when their tired, especially masa and satoru

- smells like tropical drinks and stuffy places

Kamiko Yamasaki, Ultimate Tapestry Seamstress

Likes: luck charms, quiet

Dislikes: being the main subject of attention, jumpscares

D.O.B: March 13

Height: 5’3”

- babey

- grew up in a superstitious household

- believes that she has terrible luck and uses everything bad that has ever happened to her as proof

- because of her supposed bad luck, she spent a lot of time locked in her house, sewing tapestries as a way of keeping busy, before being invited to sailing integrity

- has a good eye and knowledge of fabrics

- has a whole collection of sunhats. sadly, she only brought two different ones for the cruise trip(not like she was expecting more than a weeks stay hhshshs)

- has a large family

- has many bandaids on her fingers due to accidentally pricking herself on sewing needles multiple times

- interested in folklore

- very apologetic

- has a low sense of self esteem

- because of her ‘bad luck’, she blames a lot of bad stuff on herself, even if it doesnt even involve her

- sensitive

- grows quickly attached to others

- likes to stay close to anything that she believes would bring her ‘good luck’

- smells like sunflowers and dirt

Kenta Inoue, Ultimate Parkourer

Likes: sneakers, tetris

Dislikes: being told what to do, stuck up people

D.O.B: February 17

Height: 6’3”

- angrey boy

- incredibly short tempered

- no one remembers seeing him ever smile

- healthy parent relationships? whats that??

- will stomp curb you

- easy to get flustered up, though he wouldnt admit it

- will not stop until hes defied gravity

- defining feature is his allstar sneakers

- smells like varying cologne and sexual frustration

Chieko Endo, Ultimate Chemist

Likes: friendly gambling, working out

Dislikes: romance stories, people coming up from behind her

D.O.B: January 2

Height: 6’0”

- the intelligent one

- serious and calm, keeps a clear head

- a true neutral

- has mastered the art of poker faces

- apathetic

- has a strong dislike of romantic things

- sharp minded

- surprisingly agile and athletic

- can recite the periodic table from the top of her head

- is always looking above the tip of her glasses

- no one: chieko: *anime glasses gleam*

- chieko, to seiichi: ‘ah, so your the twink’

- so edge, such cool

- smells like roses and melted wax

Masa Shibata, Ultimate Dream Interpreter

Likes: fiction, horoscopes

Dislikes: spiky rocks, flashlights

D.O.B: December 31

Height: 5’11”

- mythic bab

- tries to act all mysterious and wise but sometimes accidently slips and reveals she really is just a normal teenager who spends way too much time on tumblr

- has known tamotsu since they were kids(they met in a hospital), and thus they are very close friends

- actually spent a lot of time in the hospital as a kid 

- very blunt

- not good with human emotions at ALL

- not good at picturing stuff, will draw and whatever ends up on the page will -genuinely either impress or surprise her

- a little lazy if you will

- very interested in horoscopes

- holds grudges

- tamotsu translates her weird way of speaking a lot

- knows like fifty ways to get to sleep immediately

- instead of saying ‘good morning’, she asks ‘how was your dreams?’ to people

- keeps a dream journal, not for herself, but for everyone else

- smells like clean warm laundry and sheep

Fumiko Ogawa, Ultimate Lucky Student (or Blackjack Player)

Likes: the color red, praise

Dislikes: trivia facts, strip poker

D.O.B: July 3

Height: 5’9”

- has more of a gambler aura rather then a lucky student aura

- very proud of herself

- soaks up praise and compliments like a sponge

- a family girl, especially looks up to her older brother

- an attention seeker

- knows how to get what she wants

- doesnt really like the title of ultimate lucky student which is why she goes by ultimate blackjack player

- is actually not even a fan of talent schools??

- dresses like a 1940s stage dancer

- smells like raspberries and cash

Kohaku Ono, Ultimate Murder Mystery Novelist

Likes: horror movies, plot twists

Dislikes: overdone tropes, being looked up to

D.O.B: May 9

Height: 6'3"

- a polite bab

- very honest

- handy in investigating due to their knowledge and imagination

- has very low self esteem

- considers themself a borderline 'villan', despite doing their hardest to be nice to everyone

- warns everyone about themself, but characters who were in the same class as them have just gotten use to it

- very uncomfortable with praise and being called a 'role model'

- helps others to their best ability

- compares many situations to varying books, including their own

- unintentionally ominous

- writes using a typewriter rather then a computer or laptop

- smells like peppermint and typewriter ink

Aika Kouki, Ultimate Vintage Collector

Likes: buttons, dial up phones

Dislikes: being ignored, boredom

D.O.B: August 10

Height: 5'5"

- would and will add 'chan' to the end of everyones names

- grew up in a family that was very about keeping things 'old fashioned'

- resents the term 'boomer'

- talks like a 2000s teen

- very energetic and cheerful

- uses old fashioned slang often

- 'thats wack, brosiki'

- expresses interest in being other people

- very praising of others, often talking how 'jealous' she is of them

- overall very positive

- she and yuuki have known each other since grade school, even though they arent paticularly super close friends

- watched a lot of sailor moon as a kid

- modern tech impresses her more then it should

- smells like 1950 perfume and the outdoors

Satoru Takahashi, Ultimate Marine Biologist

Likes: sea otters, the water

Dislikes: his height, fish nets

D.O.B: December 5

Height: 4'8"

- its the tiny boi

- would unironically threaten your kneecaps

- is very sad about not seeing any marine animals during their cruise

- is insecure about his height but wont admit it

- often asks taller, stronger people to carry him on their shoulders(kenta refuses, but tamotsu is fine with it)

- very bold

- says whatever comes to his mind

- it started out as a joke, but he probably has a tentacle kink-

- adventurous young lad

- usually very friendly, but not hesitant to call out what he feels is bullshit

- calls kenta, mitsuo, and chieko 'edgelords'

- spaces out a lot

- smells like salt water and wet fur

Usagi Shimizu, Ultimate Runaway/Explorer

Likes: the forest, music

Dislikes: closed in spaces, car lights

D.O.B: September 1

Height: 5'4"

- very quiet

- has had many foster parents

- technically, shes listed as the ultimate explorer in the academy, but everyone refers to her talent as 'ultimate runaway' due to her reputation

- shy, but can be loud if she wants to

- surprisingly smart when asked questions

- usually calm, but it isnt hard to get her riled up

- everyone expects her to be some sort of delinquent due to her history of running away from her many homes, but really shes basically the opposite

- usually goes with whatever everyone agrees to

- takes many pictures of nature, and posts them to social media

- blushy

- smells like bushes and granola bars

[forreasonswretchedandivine]

Tagged by: @kimchi-fried-ice (feel free to say hi whenever! I LOVE your blog, and you seem very nice I’d love to be friends!:))

Nickname: it’s practically my actual name, but it’s tidge. When I was little my basketball coach would always say my name as tish lol. Then my family started calling me that because they thought it was hilarious, and my mom said it in front of my theatre friends and they started doing it too. It’s honestly grown on me, and I let just about everyone call me tidge BC it usually leads to me telling them where it came from. Also I think it’s cute:):)

Height: 5’5?? 5’6? People always say I should know this but I just never do🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️.(side note: if you’re taller than me and also a girl who likes girls HMU😚)

Hogwarts house: I’m like the only one of every person I know who’s consumed 4 Harry Potter things( read first book, watched first 3 movies) but I took a quiz and got slytherin? Sounds about right from what I know lol. I’m nice, but I’ve got major RBF and I’m ALWAYS down for a little drama

Last thing I googled: “where to catch dreepy in Pokémon sword” that elusive motherfucker has a 2% chance of spawning in the wild area and I almost exploded after 2 hours of running in and out of like 3 different tall grass areas. Didn’t find one BUT I found it’s evolved form, which was fine because looking any longer may have killed me

Song stuck in my head: From Eden by Hozier and high five by Sigrid. They are both bangers in their own respect, and the are playing ln my head at the same time right now. It’s kinda nice!

Following:253! Though a few of those are inactive now, I’ve had this account since middle school

Followers: 27 total but 10 are inactive, and I’m pretty sure one is just a spam account that was VERY convincing

Amount of sleep I get: I try for 7-8 and get it most of the time, but some nights I get hit with that good self hate™️™️ and stay up later because why not? Or I’ll be up till 3 in fugue state trying to finish homework/ projects that I procrastinated on lol. I take lots of naps too BC they are soooo great

Lucky number:13! I have no basis behind this, other than because I want it to be, and because people say it’s bad luck. So far it’s been pretty great to me!!

Dream job: 😬😬😬 welll over the past 2 years, especially since I transferred colleges and had a bit of an unexpected major chance( technical theatre> studio art) My career path has been pretty unclear and I’m still not really sure what I wanna do. I’d love to get back into something theatre related because I’m pretty good at it, but lately the art I’ve been doing makes me very happy and gives me a personal sense of accomplishment that theatre never gave me. I’m hoping to find some sort of intersection between the two, so I can be able to make something for either a play or musical, then when I’m done just go chill somewhere for a little while and take a nap. Or like make some cool painting or drawing, make some money from it, then take a few weeks off of doing sutff, repeat. So I guess the short answer is: make art that I enjoy, get paid, not work every day:)

Wearing: what am I wearing?My, my, how sexual!! Just kidding;);). Black boots, high waisted skinny jeans, an button up shirt with a stranger things demegoron pattern, tan cardigan, and a little trans pride pendant I made to remind myself I am valid, and to signal other trans people!

Favorite song: (TAZ balance spoilers) idk if this counts but any version of lucetia’s theme from taz, written by one GRIFFIN TEAR MY HEART OUT ANDREW MCELROY. It’s just so beautiful, and it always makes me feel such strong emotions because every time it plays on the podcast there’s like a major plot development or moment of growth for lucetia, and I JUST. I literally ascend when it plays during the finale when she’s about to stop the hunger, just ugh so good

Instruments: I played the baritone for like a year in middle school. To summarize how that went: I was not very good:/:/

Random fact: I’m always telling myself that this probably isn’t something I should be so casual and open about, but then I tell people anyways. When I was 3-4, my sister was getting on my nerves and we were both on the kitchen counter for some reason. So to get her to stop, I took a knife and cut almost completely through her finger. Needless to say that got me in a bit of trouble with my dad, and to this day most of my family gets on edge when they see me with a knife. Which I find funny because In my teen years and now, I’ve gotten really into buying knifes and swords like some sort of blade gremlin. All of that probably made me sound very unstable, but I promise I’m not, just like sharp things. Im like 30% unhinged at all times AT MOST.

Aesthetics:????? I’m really into symmetry and matching colors of that counts as an aesthetic. My room is probably the best example, because everything in it is organized in a weird messy kinda way. I know where it is but it’s not where you’d think(ex: The sword I have hung next to my window) again I am very much a gremlin girl, and while I keep a lot of weird stuff, Im also very organized and creative so I end up using some broken things to make something new(ex: the bow and arrow I made out of a walking stick, some rubber bands and a 5 mechanical pencils). This description is probably also a good example of my aesthetic, which is to say messy, and slightly incoherent, but prepared and practical. In terms of clothing, it’s a sliding scale between “ For all intents and purposes I was not planning on leaving my room or being perceived physically by others today, but a friend wanted to hang out, and I love my friends so here I am looking like this” And “ I am an ethereal being of pure beauty and elegance, but watered down a bit so I’m still very well dressed, but minus the elegance, and plus a lil slut and probably some black boots”. It should also be stated that my gayness is part of both of these in varying degrees of intensity

I tag: @rosebudyke @negative-ghostriderr @sunshine-nb @severedned @seraphlesbian (y’all don’t have to if you don’t want to tho,but if you want message me! You all also seem very nice☺️)

[kevinwillpkgd]

three phase complier

"A War-room."

Noting the people heading into the conference room was easy, they walked right thru the shop and never said a word to me. The bead curtain opened for them all, tho one of two almost got strangled in the process.

I blame them, not my shop. My shop has a very long and very good memory for slights, injuries and insults but had much nastier response. The full crew eventually did get in.

Secrets and need-to-know were very common here in the capital and in magic generally but this leather+studs group was obsessive. They spoke to no one.

"A war-room! They're planning a raid and from inside my shop. The dirty miserable little sneaks are hiding in here!" I went on, grousing unhappily. I could not back out of the deal. They had paid for a month.

"On who? What's the prob, boss? They eat lots."

"Missile attacks back, hon. They're irritating." I answered back quickly. Brenda was unconcerned with the new crew in my conference room, but I was worried. For all we knew they were prepping a magical attack on someone who could hit back really fast and hard.

That meant waking up tucked in a corner of a Nairobi desert and the shop refusing to move back to civilization till things quieted down.

And it healed.

And it maybe had a better keeper.

With two snacking Ents and a bunch of losers still stashed in the conference room, too. The Ents were intolerable, loose in my shop. Trees tend to look on everything as varying degrees of edible; books, floors, magic and people.

--------------

sample , latest short stuff on smashwords, kevin williams.

16 people swarm for copyright; 16 years later, no cash.

that's the easy way.

(oh, this was a request from a nasty niece.)

#canda #fanasty #ottawa # writing

[voidfishersong]

Fallane and Eliza Fate, please

Alright, these two are from different ‘verses just fyi. so any supernatural elements are very, very different, as well as social situations.

WARNING: Fallane’s contains reference to some things that might be triggering. nothing in-detail, but please be advised.

Full Name: Fallane

Gender and Sexuality:

 male-ish but with a rising intonation and a hand-wiggly gesture. sexuality is definitely just a hand-wiggly gesture, we think he has a slight preference for men but tbh no one cares

Pronouns:

 he/him. if you used other ones he probably wouldn’t object but if you asked he’d say ‘he/him’

Ethnicity/Species:

 Egyptian. and he’s like,,, vaguely a demon but not actually. he’s

supposed

 to be one of the generals/servants/sextoys/whatever of AN ASSHOLE who reincarnates every 30 years or so, possesses a young girl, and makes everyone’s life hell but he said ‘nope that’ and (mostly) left. so he’s not actually a demon but that’s what his kind got characterized as by various mortals and usually he doesn’t correct people

Birthplace and Birthdate:

 like literal ancient egypt in like 2,700 bc or smth

Guilty Pleasures:

 I don’t think he’s guilty about any of his pleasures.

that came out way more sexual than I intended

I just meant that he likes things and he’s not ashamed of it

Phobias:

 ahhhh this ‘verse is so dark help. I’d say sexual assault is pretty high on the list. I think he’s also a bit claustrophobic. more than a bit. he’s very claustrophobic he just doesn’t get into many situations like that

What They Would Be Famous For:

 he could be a model? like actually. he wouldn’t but he

could

. he’s got a wicked fashion sense and is really good at makeup. ooh he could model makeup too

What They Would Get Arrested For:

 can u get arrested for smoking indoors? he would. or shoplifting. he likes petty crime because either a) ‘this shouldn’t be privately owned and private ownership is just a social construct’ or b) ‘haha what are u gonna do, catch me?’

OC You Ship Them With:

 Sam!! Sam Reeve x Fallane is best ship. you could also ship him with Kai but Sam is most perfectest. I made a ship name for them but it’s lame and I’m not sharing unless u dm me. I also ship Fallane with a healthy lifestyle but that’s never gonna be canon so

OC Most Likely To Murder Them:

 does Nara canonically murdering him count? there r a lot of ppl who want to murder Fallane so I feel like this is an unfair question. Kai genuinely hates him for a large part of the story. ahaha Kai canonically kills him too jesus christ Fallane you’ve been killed three times you gotta chill. but I think Nara would be more likely to succeed than Kai so. the answer I pick is Nara. in a sarcastic way tho it’d be Mista, who is so done with his shit and she’s the type to say ‘im going to murder you’ when he like, puts his feet on the table or something

Favorite Movie/Book Genre:

 mystery? anything he can sarcastically criticize the plot of, tbh. maybe horror

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche:

 if he’s a horror fan, then it’d be where any time someone says ‘dont do this’ the person does it and dies. I think he definitely dislikes the ‘aliens are always technological experts’ cliche like what if the explorers are anthropologists with no clue how their ship works?? did you ever think of that?? no you didn’t

Talents and/or Powers:

 his main talent is sarcasm. he’s very gifted with picking up languages and accents, and he has a high appreciation for all forms of art. in the supernatural realm, he’s got a lot. he’s a natural low-level empath, and then he got powers on top of that, which made him nigh immortal, gave him rly cool wings, and magical charisma (which is like subconscious suggestion, except,, magic) which he mostly uses to convince people he’s paid for shit he

hasn’t

 paid for. in the name of disabling capitalism, of course, and not because he just wants the pillow. then he’s also got some extradimensional abilities which are often interpreted as a kind of telekinesis but isn’t technically. and his empathic abilities get turned up to eleven until he can project so hard he can accidentally (or purposefully) kill someone

Why Someone Might Love Them:

 if you’re about grey moralities, ambiguity, and anti-heroes, you’ll probably love Fallane. he’s also very protective, and a single dad of energetic twins so there’s no shortage of relatability, either. but I think a lot of his charm comes from his interactions with other characters, because he feels very strongly and brings many things other characters are afraid to say. there’s a weighty sense of honesty with him, and a real desire to do right by the world and help the downtrodden. he also struggles with trauma and mental illness and he’s really, really messed up but he

tries

 and sometimes he fails and I think people will find a surprising amount to identify with. Fallane is my ultimate walking contradiction, but I think it works.

Why Someone Might Hate Them:

 I feel like he’s a character people would be just indifferent toward UNTIL people started being apologists and saying he does nothing wrong and then he’d be one of those characters that the fandom just splits on, as polarizing ends get increasingly more argumentative. he can be manipulative too and I think people might take issue with things like that, but I feel like most people who would actively hate him would be misinterpreting him. he’s not supposed to be a paragon of good morality

How They Change:

 in the first few waves of this ‘verse Fallane was a definite villain, if a hero-aiding anti-villain. then I decided villains were overrated and now there’s no villains, just a complicated mess of varying degrees of grey morality. in canon, this is reflected. he goes from a certain ‘I can’t do anything substantial about it so I just won’t bother’ to someone who

acts

 on his desire to combat discrimination and abuse. he also gets his family back, and gains a little sister, and he’s constantly learning how to love (in every way) and how to

live

.

Why You Love Them:

honestly?

because

 he’s learning how to live. much of Fallane’s backstory (and his role-switch from anti-villain to anti-hero) came from when I got over being suicidal, so he’s sometimes a comfort character. ngl, I also love his aesthetic. I’m also a bit biased because he has ocd and I have ocd and that’s relatable too and it makes his aesthetic

extra

 relatable. he’s also incredibly emotional and that’s always an adventure to write. I really love Fallane guys.

also this ao3 tag is like the greatest descriptor of him:

Full Name: Eliza Fate

Gender and Sexuality:

female, bisexual

Pronouns

: She/Her

Ethnicity/Species:

English. and she’s a vampire so uh yea

Birthplace and Birthdate:

England and uh….. like…. idk….. a long time ago

Guilty Pleasures:

both slow and fast jazz music. also she’s surprisingly good with children - I like to think that sometimes, she volunteers at daycare-like-places in the shadier parts of town where there’s too many kids and not enough workers and she just helps out these toddlers and teaches them to jazz dance, the way you teach little kids anything, which is hold them and pretend they’re following anything you’re saying

Phobias:

I don’t think she’s phobic of anything, but she’s afraid of losing her family. they’re very important to her and I think her deepest fear is that someday she’s going to wake up completely alone. she’s not afraid of any one person leaving (obviously she’d be upset), it’s just the idea that

everyone

 could disappear

What They Would Be Famous For:

she’s kind of famous within the criminal underworld because she’s like a mob boss, and she’s mostly famous for having a very large family, and for being independent. she went almost two centuries without a right-hand man/woman/etc which, especially as a woman, was quite unique

What They Would Get Arrested For:

I mean she already murders ppl and runs a mafia so that

could

 get her arrested, but if she ever got caught it’d probably be something like she murdered a child abuser or something really,

really

 violently and not well-planned

OC You Ship Them With:

 Itsuki, who’s her canon boyfriend, and Andrea, who’s her canon girlfriend. she’s poly and her relationships are usually open relationships, including with those two. I also ship her hardcore with Katsumi, although that’s a very different dynamic (1960s lots of drugs and alcohol and free sex and it’s about pushing each other further and further and not always healthy but they know that and it’s okay). I feel like Eliza would be really great for romance fanfic because you can go with many time periods!

OC Most Likely To Murder Them:

 Rin. boi Rin has wanted to murder her since he met her probably, he just hated her on principle and then Eliza went and decided she liked Itsuki so Rin hated that and

then

 she started dating Katsumi too and so she’s in love with both his roommates and that pisses Rin off. it’s funny.

actually it’s often really depressing because they end up blaming each other for Katsumi’s death and just about everything else and I think Rin might actually wish she had never existed but

usually it’s a sarcastic ‘I would murder you right now Eliza I swear’

Favorite Movie/Book Genre:

 slice of life. I think she likes the variety and the normalcy of it all, and she usually thinks the couples are cute. her least favorite genre is probably mystery

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche:

 love triangles. they’re way, way overdone. also they invalidate the possibility of poly or open relationships. on a less serious note, she hates any mystery story that ends with like ‘the detective was the culprit all along!’ there’s not really a reason why she hates that but. she does. I made her I make the rules

Talents and/or Powers:

 powers: well, she’s a vampire. talents: charisma. she is very good at getting people to understand her viewpoint, when she puts her foot down on something, which is rare. she’s also good at dancing. and very good at sex too apparently. she’s good with children too! but only really smol ones, once they get above like 5 they’re usually assholes

Why Someone Might Love Them:

 she’s strong, and independent, and I think she’s over all a good person. she doesn’t take shit from people, but she doesn’t assume that people

are

 giving her shit. she’s quite easy-going, all-in-all. she’s also really loving to her family, and in many ways she fulfills feminine roles, but the way she does them and the way she thinks about them are empowering, I think

Why Someone Might Hate Them:

 when Eliza was first conceptualized in mid high school, I was terrified that people would see her as bad representation because she’s not morally straight

and

 I worried that making her bi and poly would make people angry. but I think I’ve mostly gotten past that? idk. but I definitely think people might dislike her for her constant relationships - she doesn’t do well if she doesn’t have at least one datemate, and people might see that as too dependent or needy. she sometimes comes across as needy, so there’s that. I think there’d definitely be Eliza Fate stans and Eliza Fate haters

How They Change:

 you get to see her progression from the civil rights era to present day, and she does change a bit, but overall she’s one of the most stable characters in this ‘verse. she really learns to accept rejection, and since she adopts a literal child (Nayeli) into her family and doesn’t raise Nayeli with any expectations of her joining the Family, I think she learns to work with people during their formative adolescent years, too

Why You Love Them:

Eliza is a character from the second wave of this ‘verse, so she’s quite old to have changed so little. I also love how she can differ depending on the time, so her roles change depending on the context. her personality doesn’t really change between any of them, but she’s a very complex character (a side effect of having been in my head for at least 5 years) and you can actually

see

 all her facets. also she’s a mob boss mom??? like that’s cool idk she’s super suave and i’m gay

[heyscience]

If I Were Inquisitor - Ask Meme.

@batsintheshadows @tea-me-and-smut @foxywolfmeerkat13 @howling-at-night OMG THIS IS SO FUN YOU GUYS HOLY SHIT!! Thanks so much for writing yours, and I’m so stoked to finally share mine!

If you are reading this and want to give it a shot, please reblog the original post and I’ll send you an ask! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH, I LOVE READING PEOPLE’S ANSWERS. THEY’RE ALL. SO GOOD!!!!

1. Race: I want to be a giant muscley mountain of a Qunari. I wanna be the very best, like no-one ever was, at smashing my enemies’ faces in and giving the best goddamn hugs there is. 

2. Class/Specialization: Two-handed Warrior/Champion. I like hitting things, and I love the idea of getting involved in all that pompous Orlesian chevalier bullshit and RUINING IT for ALL OF THEM.

3. Your homeland? It’s gotta be somewhere warm and by the sea (because I love the ocean and also I can’t deal with the cold cos I am WEAK), so I’m thinking Rivain. Ooh! And that would mean I’d have a bunch of sick tattoos and piercings! Rad.

4. Your family? (Ok so I’m basing this loosely off my irl family because they’re my best point of reference I guess????)

So, my family. I love them, but they’re a mess.

My Mum was the ideal Tamassran. A devout adherent to the Qun. She worked as a healer and was very well respected in her field.

That was until she met my Dad, who in short, looked at the Qun and was like ‘fuck this shit I’m out.’

Dad was a soldier and one day he was wounded in battle, ended up in the hospice where Mum worked, wooed her, and they ran away together to Rivain.

They had my brother and I and then realised that they’re actually polar opposites and it’s a wonder they were ever attracted to each other. They split up, re-partnered and had more kids. So I have a pile of siblings that I have varying degrees of blood relation with, but we all consider each other fully part of our extended, convoluted family (for serious - irl I have 9 siblings).

Mum taught me business sense and how to tend to battle wounds, Dad taught me how to fight. I’ve got a lot of family of various races all over Thedas, all related (not necessarily by blood) one way or another. People say lovely things about my Mum, and the craziest things about my Dad - the stories of his exploits are so outrageous it’s difficult to believe any of them are true (like irl my dad was involved in organised crime for a while but quit cos he got bored????).

I love my family but I’m really bad at keeping in contact with them, so I get the occasional letter from Mum being like ‘ARE YOU DEAD?!’

Leliana has taken to sending her reassuring updates preemptively.

5. Who were you before? I imagine I’d be part of something like a dnd adventuring party.

We started out as a ragtag group of misfits, travelling the land in search of gold and glory. It was mostly treasure hunting and mercenary gigs, and some of the work we did on the high seas was um, legal-adjacent (piracy). But occasionally we’d stop to lend a hand to those in need, pass ourselves off as bards to earn extra coin in small-town taverns, and we even involved ourselves in vigilante justice a couple of times.

We grew into our own little family, and eventually we found ourselves wanting to do the type of work that really mattered. That’s why we signed ourselves up to work security at the Conclave, with a plan to move into aiding refugees in Ferelden afterwards. It didn’t. Quite. Work out that way. Unfortunately.

6. Would you be religious? That’s a hard no.

7. Do you have a mabari? YES PUPPY! Who is also a fully fledged member of our adventuring troupe I might add.

8. Your opinion on other races? Elves = rad, dwarves = awesome, humans = eh, dragons?? = HELL YES

9. What would Varric’s nickname for you be? Stubby.

10. What would your tarot card look like? This one is hard! I’m thinking a lot of compass imagery (because the sea and travelling and finding your way etc.)...and I’d have to be facing at an angle that best accentuates my glorious biceps.

11. Where would you hang out in Skyhold? I like to be in the centre of the action, but I’m not sure where that would be?? Probably in the main Skyhold courtyard near the entrance, in amongst the merchants? It’d be a good spot to see the comings and goings, check in with recruits and workers for the Inquisition, and also play with any kids who might be around. 

It’s important to make sure the kids of the Inquisition are happy and healthy and, um, ok Josie I’ll admit it, they’re also way more fun to hang out with than that stuffy noble whoeverthefuck you just brought in from Orlais.

12. What would you do for fun? Knock back beers in the Herald’s Rest with my companions, come up with dirty drinking songs with Sera, get blackout drunk with Dorian (although I’ll eventually realise it’s a very unhealthy coping mechanism and encourage Dorian to join me in cutting down the booze), swap stories and quality bants with Varric, beg Vivienne for fashion advice, gush over romance novels with Cass, have tea and gossip sessions with Josie, poke fun at Cullen, spar with the Inquisition recruits (and scare the shit out of them), and, just anything to distract from the looming horror that is Corypheus.

13. What armour would you wear? Heavy, shiny, and bloodstone red.

14. What would your room look like? Organised chaos. I love playing host so my room would look mostly neat, but the writing desk would be an absolute mess. It would probably make poor Josie hyperventilate (which is why I’d always suggest we discuss things in her office, or at least give me plenty of notice before swinging by my chambers so I can tidy up). 

15. Who would be your friends at Skyhold? I’d wanna be friends with pretty much everyone, but I think I’d be closest with Dorian (BUT of course only after giving him a solid scolding for his views on slavery, and I’d only continue talking to him if he came to his senses).

We have a very similar sense of humour, and. Oh man. I have way more feelings about this than I thought I would. In short - I can imagine both laughing with him and collapsing on the floor together with a bottle of wine (each) and many tears.

16. Would you have any friends outside of the Inquisition? This makes me sad because my closest friends outside the Inquisition would be my adventuring party and they..would’ve...the Conclave...EVEN MY MABARI. MY POOR PUPPY. OH GOD WHY. TOO MANY FEELINGS.

17. Who wouldn’t you get along with? Cole. It’s not that I don’t like him, I’d just be super awkward around him, like ‘HELLO SPIRIT CHILD HOW ARE YOU TODAY. OH, IS THAT AN INSECURITY OF MINE YOU JUST POINTED OUT?! WELL COOL, GOOD TALK.’ 

18. Who would you romance? I know this isn’t possible in Inquisition but I would like to be in a polyamorous relationship with Isabela. SHE IS MY FICTIONAL SOULMATE OK.

(Also I’m more than a little bit in love with Cullen but I hate myself for it so)

19. Would you do pranks with Sera? AbsoLUTELY.

20. Would you sleep with the Iron Bull (casually if not romance)? 100% YES. It’d only be an occasional thing tho, cos while I’m a masochist and I like being tied up I’m not really a sub. I’d mostly go to him for bondage tips and um. Requests for. Demonstrations.

21. Would you keep Cole around? Yes. I’d still be weirded out by him, but I acknowledge that it’s completely not his fault. I’d take his word for it that he just wants to help people and let him have at it with that freaky mind-reading and vanishing shit he does.

22. Can you play the game (politics)? A little bit. I’d have to work the scandal angle. Being a Qunari I could never hope to assimilate into the realms of the nobility, but I could win their favour by being something of a novelty. Much like Casanova in this brilliant adaptation starring David Tennant - watch from 10:42.

You see, you don’t have to be liked by everybody, just the right people, and you can usually get them onside by just being very fucking entertaining.

23. What would be on your tombstone in the fade (What are you afraid of)? Ghosts. I’m not sure how well that translates to a Thedas setting but still, it’s my biggest fear so I’m sticking with it.

24. Who would you recruit to seal the breach? Mages.

25. Opinion on Mages versus Templars? Ok, so I have a proposal for how to fix this bullshit:  

1. The Chantry should relinquish any and all control over the affairs of mages. Separation of Church and State, simple as that.

2. The Templar Order should be disbanded, and the practice of indenturing soldiers by saddling them with a lyrium addiction should be banned.

3. All people in Thedas (and I mean ALL) should be taught about magic from a young age, both the gifts and dangers of its use. Everyone should learn about magical safety and how to resist demonic possession.

4. Mage children should attend the same schools as everyone else, but they can hone their skills in their late teens to early adulthood in mage colleges, with free tuition paid by the State (of wherever part of Thedas this is). They can research magic, learn a trade or train in combat, whatever they choose. Mages will be allowed to earn money, marry, have families, and have some actual freaking rights. None of this ‘hunt ‘em down and lock ‘em up’ bullshit.

5. Also the Rite of Tranquility WHAT THE FUCK. I can’t believe it’s a thing people actually agree to do. This rite should be downright fucking outlawed, and severe penalties levelled at the people who attempt it.

26. Who would be put in charge of Orlais and why? Briala. I wouldn’t suggest to Briala that she should get back together with Celene, because honestly their relationship was really fucked up and Celene abused the power imbalance between them. Briala deserves better (like for example me..maybe...but y’know, only if she wants to..)

So I would keep Celene on the throne but hand over all real power to Briala. Celene is a crafty one however, so we’d have to corner her with blackmail and keep a hidden killswitch on hand in case she tries to pull a fast one on us (just like the Voltron kids should be doing with Lotor, which sorry, I know that isn’t related but I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT IT).

27. Would you sacrifice the Chargers? NEVER.

Seriously Fuck the Qun. The Qun actively promotes eugenics with how they selectively “breed” their people. ALSO the Qunari are gaslighted into believing that they will literally go insane if they don’t follow the Qun?!!!?!?!!??!??! FUCK THAT SHIT.

So yeah, I was never keen on the idea of allying with the Qunari, so when Gatt’s like ‘if you sacrifice the dreadnought there will be no alliance’ I’m like ‘I am ok with this.’ Also, of course, I love the Chargers with all my heart and couldn’t bear to lose them.

28. Would you go after Blackwall? Yeah. He should put all his moral posturing to good fucking use and try being an actual hero. I’d make him join the Wardens, cos it’s effectively a death sentence (or an early grave at least ) and I don’t 100% dislike him, so I know he’d be cool with it because he has a giant fucking hard-on for the Wardens (Jesus fuck). 

29. Would you drink from the well? Nnnnnoooooooooo..and it’s because I would fucking die for Morrigan. I wish I could say I have a well considered reason, but I’m just pathetic like that. She could say jump and I’d say ‘I’d rather not, but, counter offer - would you instead like to sit on my face?’ 

30. Where would you go if the Inquisition was disbanded? Minrathous. It’s warmer there (I love Skyhold but fucking hate the cold), and I would involve myself in the inevitable slave uprising - helping out in whatever way I can. Also I’d just be having a fucking great time terrorising the Magisters, rocking up at the Magisterium like ‘LOOKIT ME I’M A RAGING QUNARI HERE TO INVADE, RARRGHH!! oh hey Dorian, what’s up babe how’ve you been????’

31. How do you react to the egg telling you he is an elven god? The five stages of grief:

Denial - lol no ur not, you’re our painty pyjamas nerd! 

Anger - Wait, so it’s YOUR FUCKING FAULT MY FRIENDS AND EVERYONE ELSE DIED AT THE CONCLAVE??!?! I AM GONNA GUT YOU AND STRING YOU UP BY YOUR INTESTINES SO I CAN USE YOUR WEEDY BODY AS A GORE PINATA YOU FUCKING MONSTER 

Bargaining - but you’re a god right? Does that mean you can bring them back? Can you undo all this somehow? You gotta have superpowers or some shit right??!?

Depression - After all we’ve been through...you never even saw us as people, did you? Did you ever think of me as a friend? Or anyone else? How could you be ok with murdering your friends? Solas, please, you don’t have to do this. I know that if we work together we can find a better way. You don’t have to destroy the world to save it.

Acceptance - ..................I fUCKING HATE YOU SOLAS.

[jaylos]

i hated descendants 2 and here's why

a collection of reasons why i am utterly disappointed in this sequel.

warnings: there will be swearing and negative commentary about these ships: Mal/Ben, Evie/Doug, Carlos/Jane. (so basically all the canon pairings lmao)

buckle up this is gonna be long and salty. (also spoilers, duh) (and i take artistic liberty in the capitalization of words and i like to be dramatic)

also check out other rant posts i made bc they kinda tie in with all of this (reading not required in order to understand it tho): magic ban Rise of the Isle of the Lost my thoughts during my first time watching it Bal

1. Characters

Ok i need to go back to d1 for a second: they already did a bad job on introducing the characters to us there. For exapmle: Carlos and technology. He does that thing where he locates the museum or when he turns off the alarm, but without the first book (the isle of the lost) the fact that he is supposedly a tech genius would've flown over everyone's heads. And this is the problem: the movie(s) rely on spin-off media (the books, wicked world) to explain the characters to us. A movie shouldn't have to do that in the first place, but what makes it worse is that the books and the webseries are inconsistent like no tomorrow and also contradict each other on several occasions. Now that wouldn't be so bad if the movies were enough to solidify the characters, but they're not. They also try to patch up plot holes in the books so they don't have to deal with it in the movies. But someone who hasn't read them might wonder how the pirate crew got their ship, and they're offered no explanation in the movie whatsoever. (i'm pretty sure this could've been avoided with a few tweaks to the script tho??)

What I think happened here is that they simply had too many characters and so basically all of them fell flat because they didn't have time to explore them properly. And what did they do in d2? they dragged that problem with them, introduced more characters who's arcs they could half-ass and got rid of what little personality the original characters had.

We don't actually know shit about them. What are their hobbies? What are their interpersonal dynamics like? What are their struggles in Auradon after a life of abuse and neglect? (i'm convinced that that last one can absolutely be dealt with in a child-friendly manner, but instead they brushed it off almost completely. I say almost because we got a few tidbits here and there but those were about as deep as a puddle on a sidewalk)

1.a. Jay

Why is he depicted as a main character when he has less lines & relevance to the plot than Jane?  Even the gotdam dog had some purpose. wouldn't change a thing if Jay wasn't there at all.

l i s ten i love Jay for the character that i made him out to be in my head and through some of the things the fandom has contributed but in canon he is redundant as all fuck.

Also i'm not gonna go into the outfits in this rant bc that's too subjective and is not what contributed to d2 being a bad movie but let's just say i found most of his looks kind of.. off-putting. why they didn't take advantage of Booboo Stewart's beauty is a mystery to me. Especially since his looks are supposed to be Jay's strong suit.

2.b. Chad

He was a completely different character. Not only did his personality shift from deceitful to moronic but his morals changed?? like in d1 he didn't actually play by the rules - he let other people do his homework, and he didn't tell on Evie because he found her cheating wrong but because he wanted payback.

And in d2 he suddenly cares about rules word for word because the writers and the (young) audience already hate him so he can be sexist too i guess. Instead of making him a meaningful threedimensional character that offers a different perspective as the child of a disney hero he was turned into the comic relief and the overdone trope of the jock that lost his status and is now laughed at. Groundbreaking. you hate him i get it i g e t i t. (also stay tuned for the sexism part i'm not done with that)

1.c. Carlos

to get super subjective again: i absolutely hate the direction they went in with his character. why not make him even more nerdy now that he has the freedom to do so? the only thing that referenced his tech stuff was that he supposedly improved their 3D printer. wow. his new hairstyle, the golden headphones etc. were things that don't fit into the impression i got from the first movie and/or the books at all. they didn't even show him tinkering with some device or whatever? how tf am i supposed to believe that he's a techie???

Also in Rise of the Isle of the Lost he is anti-magic for some goshdang reason, but in d2 he asks Mal to help him with magic, which is one of those inconsistencies i was talking about.

1.d. Evie

here's what i would have done with her instead: make 4 Hearts less relevant (do show her sewing and talking about commissions) and let her care for the remaining isle kids from the very beginning. her introduction in d2 could've been her talking about wanting to bring them over, but having difficutly to make it happen (maybe the royal council pushes back or whatever).

instead she spends 6(?) months doing jackshit about the isle kids and only remembers it like halfway through the movie.

1.e. Ben

he just pisses me off. not only is he dismissive and ignorant of Mal's struggles and blames her for when she fails to be perfect, but he is also incompetent as a king, at least when it comes to the Isle. Why the fuck did it take him so long to bring more isle kids over? and why does he need to hear it from Evie first? it was his idea in the first place but then he completely forgets about it for some reason even though he is literally dating a vk. "i guess i've just been busy" with what? being a fuckboy? (also sidenote: there it is again with the "tell don't show" that i've already talked about in the rant about Rise linked above. it's one of the biggest problems i have with the storytelling across all installations in this franchise. Ben is not shown being busy one single time. We're just supposed to believe it because they said so.)

(another sidenote: why the fuck does he have those beast traits, by which i mean all that redundant roaring like i get they want to reference beauty and the beast but do the writers realize that his father was cursed he does not actually have those furry genes)

1.f. Jane

? per s onalit y ?¿?? literally who is she

There's not much to say about the others (some i will cover later when i talk about relationships). Do you know that thing when a character's potential is wasted? In descendants this happens with every last one of them. They're like those cakes that are just for show: they look amazing and tasty but when you take a bite it's cardboard.

2. Plot

pretty basic for the most part, but i personally found the suspense curve really weird. it has two climaxes (? what is plural): 1. the sword fight and 2. at the cotillion. Also i hated that it took place over the course of like 2 days, but that might just be my personal taste. There are some plot holes of varying degrees of annoying. For one, Maleficent probably starved to death in that box because Mal and the writers forgot about her. And her moped is gone, it left, like i should have as well, good-fucking-bye.

Then there's the fact that Mal didn't go back with them because she learned some kind of lesson or grew as a peson or whatever but because she didn't have a choice and they never talked about her initial struggles except "my hair and dress are purple again so it's fine". i mean yeah she said her piece about not fitting in or whatever but we don't actually see it working out after all that trouble?How did the dynamic in their relationship change? who knows.

Then there's the fact that Uma is somewhere in the ocean, she's a giant monster and 100% capable of using magic but no one gives a shit??? at this point i'm willing to bet that in the next isle book it will be explained what happened to her so it doesn't have to be dealt with in descendants 3 and i will scream.

By the way i didn't understand what it was that Ben said that convinced her to retreat, his speech was so lame.

Also the octopus/dragon "fight" was ridiculous. they didn't do shit? Uma was just wiggling around and Mal was floating, which looked stupid because she made flying/gliding motions but stayed in the same spot.

And one thing that really annoyed me is how they only made 5 smoke bombs and then also needed exactly 5. b better prepared u idiots. that whole thing was so weird anyway bc the point was to avoid a fight but it didn't work. maybe it would've worked if they had made more than 5 who knows. and the plan to make them in the first place came completely out of the blue. (-plan? -smoke bombs -k)

Also why did Uma expect the wand to work under the barrier? The only explanation I can think of is that it's because the wand was what created the barrier (although the whole thing about the Isle is that magic Does Not Work and we should have been given an explanation as to why the wand is an exception) but 1. How would Uma know that and 2. If it had been the real wand they could've used it to knock the pirates out or whatever and Uma should've expected that. This whole trade-off thing was sketchy and holey as fuck.

You know what was one of the best things about d1? The parents. I mean this was probably a budget issue but the parents were arguably one of, if not the, most entertaining aspects. and boy could it have been interesting to see the confontation between them and their kids...

The isle was really weird and underwhelming btw. i saw people say it was great bc we got to see more of the isle but did we really? it was just a bunch of disjointed locations and we still have no idea how anything is located in relation to one another, how big it is, or how and how many people actually live there. And why did no one there give a shit that the rotten four were back? most of all Mal, whom the people hated the most for betraying them and becoming a princess. Also why did Mal not go back to her old home instead of this building that was a.. warehouse? their gang hangout?? that came out of nowhere??? correct me if i'm wrong but do they say something along the lines of  "we used to hang out here" even once? why was there a bed in there

And hey remember tourney? It's not even like roar was necessary so that they'd have swords? Also it could have been mentioned like "now that tourney season's over we're focusing on roar" but no?? Let's just forget about it like the writers did.

3. Music

not really much to say, except that they used way too much autotune but i guess overall it's an improvement compared to the first movie but it's whatever. the only thing that confused me about what's my name was that in the movie (as opposed to the music video on youtube etc) there was this weird echo that made it sound like it was playing in another tab with a slight lag??

and another thing that stuck out to me was it's going down: the rap parts were already hella uncomfortable to watch but when ben started singing i just about died of secondhand embarrassment it's so bad lmao.

4. The Thing With Lonnie

Don't get me wrong, i love that she got a bigger part and that she's a good swordfighter and whatnot.

BUT:

First of all, why is it even a thing that the roar rule book has gendered language like that? i mean aren't there countless women in auradon who have proven over and over again that they're just as capable as man? why does Lonnie need to prove anything. especially since her mother is mulan of all people???

listen, the exploitation of gendered language has brought forth some great moments (eg: lotr "i am no man") but it's getting old. Girls and women have proven countless times that they can do "anything a boy can". how many times more does it have to happen until we can take the next step?

And it wasn't even handled well in d2. Sure, Lonnie's captain now, but do we really have to wait until d3 (or god forbid the next book in the isle series where the movie can lean back and let the book do all the storytelling work) for something to actually change in a system that is still misogynistic for whatever goddamn reason??

for this sideplot not to fail miserably like it did, what should have happened is that Lonnie changes the rules so that anyone can join the team, because as we were left it was still "captain and 8 men". we did not see the actual change happening and this was a half-assed attempt at this tired old "girl power" shit.

in this kind of storyline we only ever see the first step, we never see the actual progress that follows. it's always just "huh, i guess girls aren't useless after all" it's 2017 get with the program and move the fuck on.

OR just drop this overdone trope and have a team consisting of different genders from the very beginning.

It's time to tell girls that they don't need to prove themselves in order to be respected.

5. Relationships jesus christ here we go

okay okay there is a number of things that get my blood b o i l i n g and one of them is lazy fictional heterosexual romances and boy oh boy is this movie a fucking gold mine in that regard.

5.a. let's take a look at janelos first (don't worry i will talk shit about bal and devie individually as well): it's boring, shallow, if it was a spice it would be flour. look, if you ship it, by all means be my fucking guest. i even encourage you to write fanfiction or do something to make something out of this bland ass mess of a supposed romantic relationship.

it's a perfect example of what is wrong with this kind of fictional romance. first of all i will disregard the books bc 1. the movies shouldn't need the books for that, yadda yadda and 2. they don't do much to save it anyway. so. it's the easy route, the tried and true formular, and that's the problem. he was a boy, she was a girl, and that's enough to make their interest in each other believable, right? the answer is no. it's lazily written and i am tired™. why, how, when did they fall in love? are they even friends? what do they have in common? what activities do they enjoy together? those are all things we don't know, this relationship comes out of nowhere. how did they go from not even so much as look at each other in the first movie to being head over heels for each other? and not to mention, was it worth sacrificing their personalities for? you guessed it the answer is no yet again. Neither Carlos nor Jane receive any character development whatsoever. None. They could have done so much with them (if you hear a strange sound it's me weeping).

And it is replaceable. Change their names and it won't make the slightest bit of difference, because this relationship does not have one single distinguishable trait (in fact it has no traits period) compared to the 87632947 others out there. it is so. generic. and frankly i don't understand how people can settle for it. i mean i get how people can just watch the movie and not care bc why would they, but how does someone look at this and go "yes, this is a well-written romance" ????? ? ? up your standards people.

and now some predictions that came (somewhat) true from that Heterosexual Romantic Subplot Bullshit Bingo i wanted to make for d2 but never finished:

- by the end their relationship won’t have developed like at all, but they dance together to show us that they’ve come sUcH a LoNg waY

- one wants to ask the other out/they both want to ask each other out, but they’re too shy and also the plot keeps interrupting them.

- it will take away screentime they could have used to give them actual character development.

- jane won't receive an arc besides being and obligatory love interest.

- carlos tries talking to her but he stammers and it’s supposed to be cute.

5.b. Devie

Like i get that Doug is jealous bc of his own insecurities but what is hip with the kids in the year of our lord 2k17 is mutual trust and communication. To think that Evie would cheat on him is such an insult tbh?? And why did Evie not tell him where she was going in the first place? i mean granted i could think of a few reasons why she wouldn't but we don't even see her give a shit bc Doug is irrelevant in her quest to go and sing a duet with the person she'd rather be dating. She probably just forgot about Doug like I, the viewer, did the second he left the screen.

Also it's just the same bs again. We don't know shit about their relationship. What is it like? What do they enjoy doing together? What is their dynamic? Doug could literally be a pair of Pradas and it wouldn't make a difference.

But for real tho can we go back on how he accuses her of cheating?? like wow dude that's so gross  pls don't present that to young viewers as cute because i assure you it is not.

5.c. Bal (h e r e w e g o)

Ben is such a bad boyfriend omg. I mean i get that he couldn't possibly understand what Mal is going through, but he isn't even trying. She changes everything about herself and he doesn't get suspicious in the least. And apparently they don't talk about anything that matters because 1. Mal can't be honest with him (she dragged all that shit around with her for ~6 months!!!) and 2. he would know more about the isle (but he has no clue).

out of all the relationships in this movie this is the one they should've put some effort into. i mean they succeeded in making Ben look like a dick but that wasn't their intention so i just ended up feeling sorry for Mal for being stuck with him bc it's ~true love~ .

Mal to Ben: "you've always known who we were" he didn't tho?? just bc he gave her a purple dress in that stained glass picture? he could've just told her that instead of letting her suffer for months bc she thought he'd leave her if she was more like herself. and that's the resolution, Mal shouldn't have been worried oh how silly of her! i guess everything is fine after all!

but you know actually their love for each other is totally believable bc they had an emotional and heart-wrenching duet together - oh wait.

A big reason why Sofia Carson and Dove Cameron got a duet is probably because they're professional singers and Mitchell Hope apparently can't get out a single correct note without 10 layers of autotune but when the story is about true love saving the day shouldn't that aspect get a little more attention? i mean don't get me wrong i like that the duet between mal and evie is there at all (but hey @disney make it gay you cowards) bc the friendships between the characters and especially the vk's don't get nearly as much attention as they should.

not to go on a tangent about how hand-holding and forehead-touching can totally be platonic but put next to Ben and Mal who Do Not Do That it makes their romantic relationship even less exciting. like, i don't know why i should care about it.

also while typing this i realized that it's not really that different from other movies and i thought hey, maybe i'm being too hard on it, but then i remembered that 99% of all canon heterosexual romantic relationships are bland and boring and i need writers to try harder (or try at all) because i am bored to death by the same shit over and over again.

i know i'm wasting way too much energy on this but i was already too invested in descendants so might as well go all the way amirite. i just had to get it all off my chest. if you need me to elaborate on anything feel free to message me.

and the first movie wasn't all that good btw, it is trashy in a way that was enjoyable, but the second one is just trash.

so yeah all in all that script was just straight up a pile of garbage consisting of washed-out tropes and no amount of bright colors or catchy songs can save it.