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basedkikuenjoyer · 5 months ago

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Dos Soles

1118 ended up being a very interesting chapter for me. Didn't need to read it too deeply, but it immediately serves as this big "separate the wheat from the chaff" moment for ideas swirling around in my head. Luckily it's the type where the deep core is further enhanced while the little nuts and bolts "how" parts fizzle. There's an idea I had previously, for Chapter 1101 titled Backup Drummer where we said a lot of this idea, but reversed in Kuma's backstory. How Stussy has this oddball moment of butting in while Kuma is shifting gears. Laying groundwork she'll pick back up in very recent chapters.

So that got a lot more literal with 1118. While the broadcast literally crackles over a seemingly big reveal (an idea we already saw in a meta sense with Sabo/Vivi) our side story crackles. We snap back to mostly an update on the Straw Hats and what's going on in Egghead. Noteworthy though that the world's reaction starts to shift against the Straw Hats. If nothing changes, it feels like they might endure Sabo's fate of a government assassination of a popular figure being pinned on them. All while we're at a juncture this "side story" of Vegapunk's broadcast is ready to shift gears. Not unlike Marineford in a way. So let's keep that big picture element in mind looking at the rest.

First off, strike against two nuts and bolts ideas. We see Leo here and York was right about Robonosuke. So like, directly hijacking the broadcast or calling in the Grand Fleet look a lot fuzzier. Though of course there's lots of roads to use Robonosuke and he's still undercooked and we're also finally seeing a Grand Fleet captain once there's a "crackle." That's not meaningless.

For Robonosuke though, one thing that stands out to me is that it vs. Bonney in this chapter sorta play a nice game with the difference between Joy Boy and Nika. Those concepts have gotten a lot fuzzier thanks to Vegapunk's cast and I'm still 100% behind the idea the actual point is all of that prophecy stuff is a distraction. So without further ado...

There seems to be some controversy, not on my end. I've said for a while we're seeing the end of Bonney's journey. You fit this interesting space next to Koby & Yamato with Vivi trending towards it over time. Rebecca's not a bad one either. Someone inspired by Luffy who could easily be the "relatable" protagonist of a series. But together enhance the idea Luffy's a step further. Way I've always put it is One Piece is not a coming of age tale, it's a young man's odyssey.

Anyways, you get my point right? Kuma shifts into the next phase of his big segment, Stussy steps up and seeds her inner conflict as an intermission. The broadcast fuzzes out as we've set up Stussy & Drake? Bonney gets an excellent capstone moment. Much like we had a glimpse of her transitioning over into filling in the real version of Sabo at the Reverie.

Now don't skip what's right before this. Luffy going all Nika is framed as reckless. The giants had that kinda creepy SMILE-type mirth going on. Talking about how they need to tend to the fire. If nothing else kinda shows why it's dangerous if the devotee is hanging around, is "Nika" taking over and seeking this kind of influence? Excellent stuff to transition this segment, it'll be fun to watch how the next steps shift things.

Especially if we start playing with the specific idea of Luffy lunging back in after everyone's efforts got him to safety, the purest potential expression of how much Nika's silliness may be making him walk back growth we saw through Wano. It's very fitting a lot of the anger seems centered around the idea Oda's losing the story with all this...because I still think that's the point if Luffy doesn't rein in his awakening.

#one piece #chapter 1118 #post-wano musings #jewelry heckin Bonney #little guy Leo

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buckleyblueyes · 3 years ago

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buddie + coming out

Jess this got...so fucking long. I'm putting it under a cut. (send me a ship and a word and I'll give you a head canon)

Okay, so Buck first. I imagine that Buck first realized he wasn’t straight when he was in high school. He didn’t mention it to his parents because it’s not like they were that interested in who he was dating anyway. But he did come out to Maddie back then. They were driving around her jeep (coming out in cars is Real okay) and there was some cheesy pop music on the radio (it was the early 2000s) and he didn’t have the word “bisexual” just yet, but she asked if he was dating anyone/if he had a crush on someone and he said “uh...yeah. His name’s Jamie.” and she just took it in stride. Just kind of “oh, okay.” and then he added quickly “I still like girls, too, though” and since she was already through college at this point, so she knew sexuality wasn’t just gay and straight, so she didn’t even blink. “So, tell me about him” and he did. When he was done, she grinned, told him she wanted to meet Jamie some time, and turned up the radio. They drove around some more singing along to whatever cheesy pop song played next.

As far as Buck coming out as an adult, at some point in his late teens or early twenties he found the word bisexual. He never really tried to hide it, but he also never went out of his way to broadcast it. He never felt ashamed of his sexuality, per se, but he never felt proud of it either. It was just like...sometimes he dated guys, y’know? Anyways so flash forward to when he joins the 118. He doesn’t make a big deal out of it, but at some point early on Hen describes him as “a straight white boy” and he’s like “bold of you to assume I’m straight” “you’re not?” “not even a little” and leaves it at that. Sometimes he mentions hookups with guys during his 1.0 phase, but other than that he doesn’t really talk about it. He comes out to Eddie sometime in season 3, when he’s bemoaning his loneliness and Eddie says “you’ll find the right girl someday” and Buck suddenly realizes he’s never actually told Eddie he’s into guys so he responds. “Right person, actually.” and Eddie blinks twice. “What?” and Buck sighs. “I’ll find the right person, I’m bisexual.” and Eddie blinks again. “Oh...Cool…” and then they just move on.

Which brings us to Eddie. Eddie does not come to the realization that he’s queer until much later in life. He worries he might be gay in high school, because everyone else is interested in dating and girls, and he’s just. Not. Everyone always tells him that he and his good friend Shannon would make a good couple, and he’s pretty sure she has a crush on him, but he just likes her as a friend. Until one day, the summer after they graduate from high school, he looks at her and his heart starts racing and his palms are sweating but it’s not from the Texas humidity and oh my god. Is this what liking someone feels like? This is terrible, actually. But he was right about Shannon having a crush on him, so they start dating, and it’s great. And Eddie is relieved because falling in love with Shannon means he’s straight. He was just a late bloomer, like his mom said.

Anyways, so flash forward about twelve years and Eddie is starting to think he was wrong before. Oh, God, he was so wrong. He’s not sure when Buck went from his best friend to someone he was falling in love with, but it’s too late to go back now. But it’s fine. It’s fine. Buck is straight anyway, so it’s not even worth getting worked up over because it’s never going to happen and--Buck isn’t straight. Oh, hell.

And then he meets Ana, and she’s, well. She’s pretty, and he likes that she guesses his name right, but then he blows up at her and also she’s his son’s teacher, so that’s kind of weird. And then the pandemic hits, and he’s forced into close quarters with Buck and it gets impossible to deny his feelings to himself any longer. But he doesn’t know what to do about it. The problem for Eddie is that he’s only really had strong feelings for two people ever in his life, and the word ‘bisexual’ doesn’t to fit. More like ‘these two people in particular-sexual’ but that doesn’t really make sense.

So, when Ana comes back into his life, it seems like the easy way out. Nobody has to know that he has all these weird, confusing, not-heterosexual feelings. He’s 33 years old, who has a sexuality crisis at 33? Of course, the universe has other plans. He gets shot, he almost dies, and he realizes he doesn’t really feel anything for Ana and he probably never will, and predictably by the time he’s finally ready to confront his feelings and sexuality, Buck is dating Taylor. Great.

Anyways, so Eddie goes to Hen for help figuring himself out because if anyone would be able to help, his married lesbian friend seems like a very good bet. And he’s right. He explains how he’s only ever been in love with two people and that gender doesn’t seem to be a big factor in it, and she points him to the concept of asexuality and aromanticism, and more specifically demisexuality/demiromanticism and it just clicks for him. He wasn’t a “late bloomer” after all. So, I guess Hen is the first person Eddie comes out to. And he doesn’t really feel the need to come out to anyone else at that point because it’s not really anyone’s business.

Eventually, he and Buck get together. And for Buck, telling people isn’t a big deal because he’s been out as bi for years. Eddie isn’t reluctant to tell their found family, or even the rest of the 118. But he is nervous to tell his biological family. He doubts they’ll be too happy about him being with a man, let alone understand the concept of demisexuality. He starts with Abuela and Pepa, the family he’s closer to (literally and figuratively). He comes out to both of them at the same time, at Abuela’s, over a home cooked meal. He tells them that he and Buck are dating, that he loves him. Pepa puts a hand over his and gives it a gentle squeeze. “I’m proud of you,” she says. “It was about time you put that boy out of his misery.”

Eddie chokes on a surprised laugh. Then he looks at Abuela. Abuela is quiet for a minute before standing and walking around the table to where Eddie is sitting. She pulls him up to standing and gives him a tight hug. “Te quiero.”

Next he comes out to his sisters, who are pretty chill about the whole thing, and lastly his parents. His parents liked Buck when they met briefly, so if Eddie was going to be with a man, at least he picked a good one. And given that the rest of the family already knows and is supportive, it’s not like anyone would be on their side if they had a problem with it, and they want to keep seeing their grandson. So they just say “okay” and accept it in the most passive way possible.

Anyways this got SUPER DUPER long and detailed, so I’m going to end it with this: After they’ve been out (both Eddie coming out and Buck and Eddie being out as a couple) for awhile, Hen drags them to that year’s LA Pride with her, Karen, and the kids, and they end up meeting up with Michael, David, Harry and May there (and Bobby who is wearing a t-shirt that says “Free Dad Hugs” in rainbow letters, Buck takes him up on the offer immediately).

#buddie #bi Buck #demi Eddie #you can pry my demisexual/demiromantic eddie headcanons out of my cold dead hands!!!!!!!!#coming out hcs #1331 words later lmao

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kevinstansanonymous · 4 years ago

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High School but Gayer and Worse

Aka the tma/wtnv high school au crossover you didn’t want but I still provided

WTNV Cast: Cecil: runs the morning announcements, is the assembly narrator and does sports commentary

Carlos: resident mad scientist, blew up the chem lab freshman year, his scientists are other freshman who live in awe and terror of his shitty chem skills

Old Woman Josie: the nice librarian lady

The Angels: weird library kids who follow Josie around

Earl Harland: that one kid in every culinary class, you swear he’s been a junior for as long as you’ve been there

Tamika Flinn: freshman girl who feels really strongly about banned books in high school

Leann Hart: rival underground school newspaper, is suspected of causing the “mysterious accident” that put the online social media team in the hospital

City Council: principal & vice principal

Station Management: the office

The Interns: freshman who help Cecil out, they keep getting in accidents/getting sick so none ever last more than two days (except for the lesbian freshman of course)

Michelle: first chair cellist in the school orchestra, plays percussion in school band, one of the school's top trend setters

Maureen: sophomore who survived being a freshman intern, she keeps getting in what look like fatal car accidents but miraculously surviving with no harm

Kevin: was raised atheist but sophomore year created an entire religion, managed to convert half the school before faculty could get involved

Charles: new Mormon kid really interested in Kevin’s cult and also Kevin

TMA Cast: Jon: runs the school newspaper, that one kid who always asks really uncomfortable personal questions

Martin: sunshine boy, has a giant crush on Jon, went through his edgy phase sophomore year when he became friends with Peter

Elias: that shitty rich prep kid

Peter: the even richer shitty prep kid, family owns a yacht which he never shuts up about

Melanie: volleyball lesbian (she’s the spiker), her slaughter record is her deliberately aiming the ball so it hits other girls’ faces

Basira: runs one of sports team, is top of her class

Gerry: weird library kid who came up with the high school fears, caused a school wide supersitution about it

Georgie: class president and also gsa leader, once stood up to the principal which is where she got her no fear rep

Jude: no one’s sure how she got in here, everyone’s pretty sure she’s been expelled five times but she’s always there in the locker rooms offering freshman cigarettes

Agnes: prep kid that every lesbian in school has a crush on, may or may not be under police investigation for arson

Daisy: runs the chess club, school rumors about her previous anger issues but no one has any proof, had an accident and was in a coma for sophomore year

Tim: high school sweetheart, had to move away after junior year

The High School Romance™ Drama: Elias and Peter are the shitty high school couple that dramatically breaks up and gets back together every two weeks. Their drama shamelessly gets involved with everyone else's drama

Cecil and Carlos are the school’s It Couple™, they won homecoming king and king (which is this au’s version of their marriage)

Martin has a giant crush on Jon and Cecil tries to help him out using the morning announcements, cue horrible shenanigans and mishaps

Jude still has a Massive Crush on Agnes

Maureen and Maurice are still a power hipster couple, rumor has it they once single handedly crushed a freshman beneath their power

The principal, vice principal, and the entire office are all in a giant polycule

Kevin and Charles aren’t subtle at all and people keep walking into them making out in very obvious places

Steve and Abby are the brave out straight couple, they adopted freshman Janice

General Fackts™: Kevin’s broadcasts are when he locks Cecil out of the broadcasting room and takes over for the day

Cecil and Kevin are twins but their parents divorced and raised them separately (cue parent trap)

Martin performs poetry at the talent contest to confess to Jon, Jon doesn’t get it, (cue shenanigans)

Martin ends up becoming friends with Peter sophomore year, it goes terribly, (cue depressing shenanigans)

Jon and Cecil have a bitter rivalry because Jon thinks Cecil isn’t professional enough as a reporter and Cecil thinks Jon’s sweater looks dumb

There is at one point a school fashion show, the school never recovered from the damage

(Fears under the cut since this is getting long)

The Fears but in puberty this time

Vast: fear of the largeness of the world, "Where will I go after this?"

Buried: fear of being trapped into a career path, or alternatively just normal claustrophobia, "what if I don't actually want to do this?"

Web: fear of being used, "what if they don't actually care about me?", "what if i'm being manipulated?"

Slaughter: fear of disapproval from authority figures, "is my mom going to be mad at me?"

Lonely: fear of being unlovable, "what if no one ever likes me?"

Hunt: fear of being targeted or bullied, "will people come after me for who i am?"

Flesh: fear of being ugly or unattractive, or judged based on your body, "do people think i'm pretty?", "will they hate me for how i look?", "is my body good enough?"

End: fear of the unknown that comes after graduation, "what comes after?", "will i survive the real world?"

Corruption: well... fear of bugs, or fear of changing for the worse, "will things ever get better instead?" “Is that a fucking cockroach infestation in the locker room???” (god i hate public school)

Dark: fear of the dark, fear of the occult, "are ghosts real?", "can these superstitions hurt me?"

Desolation: fear of it all crashing down, fear of failing school or your grades being ruined, "are things this good really sustainable?"

Eye: fear of being known, of having your secrets exposed, "does anyone know?"

Spiral: fear of dwindling mental health due to school, “can i really go through another year?”

Stranger: fear of the people around you becoming strangers, fear of not knowing things, "My friends are acting different then they were before” “I don’t recognize anyone in this classroom”

#sorry for this massive post but it needed to be set free #we made this like a year ago lmao #long post #tma #wtnv #cecil #carlos #jon #martin #im just gonna tag the big fandom characters otherwise these tags would be a mile long #also im fitting a glee club in here eventually

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thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness · 4 years ago

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DIE PERSONAL INTERVIEW SPECIAL HEADBANG VOL.27 TRANSLATION 1/2

Sometimes delicate, sometimes rough, sometimes you are dazzled by his splendid playing. The red guitarist has reached Dir en grey’s unique mark . “Surprisingly, I like the rough feeling of those times. It felt like each member was strangely not trying to coordinate with the others. It seems like every member was playing with that rough feeling while just focusing on each’s one position. I remember quite a bit the atmosphere around 2005.”

Notes before reading: This is the first part of personal interview of Die from the magazine Headbang Vol.27 released on 18th August. The interview is 11 pages long, this part covers the first 6 pages. As Toshiya’s interview, 2nd part is focused in his roots as a guitarist and overseas experience. This interview is hella long so expect second part in a week or so. You can read the second part here You can get the magazine at Amazon Japan or CDJapan. Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts. Links or credits to this post when the content is reposted or captured in other SNS is appreciated :) -----

“These concentration of feelings…. I wonder if this has become one of our distinctive characteristics. That’s why it wasn’t like ‘let’s try some different ways about how it can be listened’. I think the current Dir en grey is in a middle point. Ah, I wonder if this is our distinctive mark I was working on it while thinking if this uniqueness is a method that can’t be imitated anywhere else” Text by: Yohsuke Hayakawa Next appearance is a guitarist who pulls the string of his vivid red-coloured instruments, Die! In ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’, he has certainly established himself. Also, in an interview focused on 2005, focusing around the same time they released the single ‘Clever Sleazoid’, he confesses his honest thoughts of those days when they were putting their eyes at overseas as the band was going through a transitional period. It became a really interesting text.

In addition, from domestic artist such as D’ERLANGER which are the flesh and bones of Die, up to the ‘Family Values Tour’ organized by KORN, which became a battle ground, this interview must be read in full, along with the second half theme interview in which several problems appeared

“Feeling the same than the fans, I wanted to see it as a situation that we don’t know what’s coming’

-I have the impression that Dir en grey has been so close to their fans over the last few months. After all, in this unprecedented situation, as they are people looking for themselves, was there a moment that you thought that there was something you could do even if it seemed impossible to be until then? Die: Well, that’s true. I feel like I've been doing specials things and things that I haven't done before. Like the live without audience (’The world you live in’, a live without audience in March). All the members were looking at strange places while playing. As there were no fans there and then all the same staff members were doing the same lighting and production as usual, I was wondering how it would feel when the live started. It would be strange to say that there was a response, but I feel we were able to play in a good atmosphere. As a result, I think I had a very good experience. -After that, in May, there was a Youtube broadcast with setlist planned by the members (DIR EN GREY AUDIO LIVE STREAM 5DAYS) and you personally appeared in the chat. D: The chat was actually quite hectic (laughs) -Hahaha. In addition, there was also a broadcast of a talk with a relaxed atmosphere where you could see the real face of the members (DIR EN GREY LIVE ARCHIVE & SPECIAL TALK). At those, I felt the love for your fans. D: Well, that’s right. However, even if the AUDIO LIVE STREAM was done for fans, we also enjoyed it. The setlist of the other members were sent in advance to me but I didn't look at them. As I wanted to see it with the same feeling as the fans, not knowing what was coming. Enjoying them, mine was on the 3rd night and until then, I was watching the flow of the fan chat and I it looked amazing. I thought ‘I want to join as well in the chorus part’ (laughs) So I decided to participate at the part of the chorus in real time. However, the pace of the chat was too fast, and the timing didn't match at all (laughs) That’s why that part felt very much like a live. When it finished, I felt like time flew so fast. -There was a rare feeling about discovering each member’s setlist. I enjoyed the 5 days. Apart from you, there were people talking on SNS from different positions and I think there were many people who were going through difficult situations, so it was a good project to make everyone feel closer to each other. D: That's right. Then, one to two weeks later, the members themselves appeared on the screen. Well, if it weren't for this situation, I probably wouldn't have done it. But if you are going to do it…. it’s a strange way to say it, but it's wasn’t the usual DIR image, but bit more relaxed. Because we said we wanted to create an atmosphere that made that fans happy.) I did (my appearance) it with Toshiya…. -Yes. It was quite a shocking time (laughs). D: Hahaha. Toshiya said that if we did the talk as always, it wouldn’t be exciting for the fans. That’s why we caught up and drank a little bit in advance, so we raised our spirits by ourselves. I think we have the desire of fans enjoying this part of the talks too. -Well, the good atmosphere that you both created was cool. D: Well, when you are thinking about what you can do to make it better, you are kind of wondering what it's going to be like. The live with no audience, the ”AUDIO LIVE STREAM’, there was also the members talk…. But it's not something you can do so many times. It’s just doing what we can do now. -Indeed. I don’t even know if the proper answer to the current situation would be to keep doing lives without audience. D: I did the live without audience once, but once I did it, I felt like I couldn't do them properly in the same circumstances even if I did them twice or three times again. -After all, there is a feeling of tension and challenge unique when you do it for the first time. D: That's right. Like, “How is going to be?”, I can only do it with that sense of tension. “I was like, ‘what’s is this space (venue)? I feel like I was inside of a dream” -Also, I remember your words in the members talk, you said "I feel like the days when I was playing lives are an illusion”. D: Ah, yes yes. -A heated up crowded show is no longer realistic for you? D: That’s right. At that moment, I couldn’t see the future at all. If I thought that we couldn’t do anything in the future (lives) I wondered what that space (venue) will become. I think I feel like I was in a dream. After all, if you have too much time, you will end up imagining various scenarios. Good and bad. -For sure. So, while the tour went from being postponed to cancelled, the Pia Arena MM performances 'The insulated World- The Screams of Alienation', that marked the end, remained as a possibility until the last moment to finally being cancelled as well. I think that was a tough decision. D: It really was. It would have been the fans and the band just meeting…...It's a bit strange to say, but if that were all was about, we could have done it. But we couldn’t do our live. Naturally, we could have changed the arena tickets and the standing that were being sold as seating tickets, also, you needed to leave an empty seat between people at that time. And after all, if you have to be ventilating all the time, you won’t be able to use things like smoke, or certain things on the stage. If we have gone through that, Dir en grey may have been the first band in the world to perform a concert like that, which would had made us the reference for other bands for the future… At that point,we were wondering if it would be best to be the first ones to do it but, after all, our live couldn’t be materialized as we wanted so as we couldn’t do it, we decided to cancel. It was also the closure of 'The insulated world' (2018), so it wouldn’t be finally closed. It's nice to have a live performance, but in the place where we were going to show the culmination of what we've been touring for the past 1-2 years, even though we did those lives performances, there wouldn’t be any special production due to Corona. -It would have been simply like a fact, “we did them because we had to”. D: That's right. We felt like we were going to get catch up with out activities for the future. It was a tough decision. We really wanted to do something in order to be able to do the performances and we were looking for a way to do them, so the announcement of cancelation was made at very last minute. During days, we were going from the phase of “Yes, we can do it” to “No, we can’t” during the whole day. -You have just transmitted that sense of tension here, the feeling of going against the timing….When the tickets were about to be on general say, you cancelled the performances. D: Yes, it happened around that point. It’s hard to imagine playing a live with social distance due to the current situation. We have been active until now, and we have been watching the crowded audience all the time. I don’t think otherwise it would be a Dir en grey’s live, spaced apart and with everyone not being able to say a word (shouting/cheering). If we had to do it in such conditions, I don’t think it's necessary to do the performances. “Oh, is this our distinctive mark? I wonder if this uniqueness is something that can’t be imitated anywhere else”

-Meanwhile, the new single "Ochita koto no aru Sora" was completed. While it’s filled with DIR EN GREY essence, such as a heavy riffs, a fierce chorus, and a catchy melody, I felt that you made this song made with a strong feeling of scepticism/caution. D: I see. If you put aside the last song 10-minute song 'The World of Mercy', it’s a song that seems to be following the flow of “Utafumi” and “Ningen wo kaburu”. It seems they are following a pattern as songs that we release as singles. I wonder if that’s possible to be done. There is no guitar solo. -It's a song quite solid overall. D: That’s right. The (guitar) phrase is changing little by little due to the composition the riffs, but it feels like I’m aggressively pushing the riffs all the time. It’s like adding nuances that change the scene so clearly. -It's like a seamlessly connected melody flowing. D: Yeah. The atmosphere flows as it is, but I wonder if the details will change in the future. I wonder if this feeling of scepticism/caution you mentioned is one of our unique traits. That's why I didn't feel like trying to make it sound different. I think this style is the middle point of the current DIR EN GREY. The feeling of this uniqueness that we have created is the most suitable for us. - So, you just let it out without trying to knead it strangely. D: That’s right. If you think about it in various ways, you can develop it more and make it more attractive, but I want to go with a pattern that runs through the core without any strange element. However, it is surprisingly difficult to make such a thing. After all, it's easier as a pattern to make a development in the middle of the song. After all, it’s difficult to create a high point in a song like it is floating on air. -Ah, I see. If the atmosphere of the back is modulated in a completely different form, it’s easier to get that you did the song with the intention of making a high point. D: It's kind of easy to do that way, isn't it? However, instead of going like that, it’s 3 minutes and 20 seconds of a song with consist mostly of one consistent riff. However, when I played the guitar in the recording, actually it was quite dizzying. Even if the riff repeated, it may not be exactly always following the same pattern, so it is always thrilling. - Certainly, the pattern of riff changes in the first half and the second half. D: Oh yes. I wonder if this our distinctive mark. I wonder if this uniqueness is a method that can’t be imitated anywhere else -So, do you think that that aspect is established as a tacit understanding between the members? D: Yes, I wonder if it became like this naturally. There were quite a few developments but in the process of pre-production, I went to the direction of scraping off and scraping off the guitar (*An effect created by scraping the pick along the strings of an electric guitar). I don't overdub (*a technique used in audio recording where a passage has been pre-recorded, and then during replay, another part is recorded to go along with the original) as much as I used to. After all, in the old days, I was relieved to do it in that way but, that’s not how you are going to play it live (laughs). It's quite courageous not to do it. If it's a recording, you can record several layers of sound, but since you only play live the original, how can you compete with what sounds there? And this time, I could hardly take a break while working at home as I couldn’t barely get out of my house. - So, due to this unusual event going on, the schedule changed significantly. D: That’s right. I think we will be aware of this later. It feels like “Oh we did this single under these circumstances” or “at the time of this single, we were under a lockdown”, things like that. - By the way, this time the chorus… isn’t the pattern a bit difficult to do while playing live? D: No, it comes in at a good timing. Kyo has thought about the chorus with the flow of the song. If you think about the all the set of instruments will be played live at some point, it’s easier to get focused in the moment when the sound is rising up but when it's in the riff or in the back timing, It's almost impossible (laughs) If you are playing at this speed. As usual, when we were going to record the chorus, the lyrics were given to us for the first time. As it is in English, the timing is quite difficult. “Each member was strangely trying to not to assemble with each other. I like the rough feeling of those days” -I feel like that chorus is very DIR EN GREY once again. Also, about the remake of 'Clever Sleazoid'. The lyrics have changed to Japanese, but the impression of the song is that it’s relatively faithful to the original. D: Yes. In terms of backing, we haven't changed it much from the original one, and we just raised the tempo a little. Also, it's a moment in which we re-recorded it with our own sound. And when it comes to guitars, it's more like the two guitars are playing closer together. The the original song was released around 2005, at that time, each of us were playing with our own sense of timing. Every of us were disconnected from the others, but there was a feeling of everything coming. But now, I wonder we did it with a pattern that fits tightly in unison. -You just mentioned it but, what do you think is the biggest difference between Dir en grey in 2005 and Dir en grey today? D: Well…..Really, 2005 was a transitional period for the band, or a time when we were looking for a little change. Everything was trembling, in a good an in a bad way as well. It was such a time like that. Personally speaking, it's better now……it's bad that I say this, but it was like “am I playing guitar properly?” kind of. -Hahaha. Really? was it like that? D: Yes. But surprisingly, I like the rough feelings at that time. It feels like each member wasn’t trying to get connected with each other strangely, and it feels like everyone was playing it while only caring about their position. I remember the atmosphere of 2005 quite a bit. -In 2005, Dir en grey participated in the Japan leg of the tour 'Taste of Chaos', and I remember the festival on the studio coast. D:, Ah yes yes. Thinking about it now, wasn’t it rare? -I agree. Besides you, there was Killswitch Engage.... D: Also, The used, STORY OF THE YEAR, Funeral For A Friend, etc. -Yes. That band (Killswitch) was really exciting. D: Yes. we used to get together at festivals with Killswitch Engage at that time. I also did two-man in France.

-So, as you said, I feel that Dir en grey at that time was in a rough and emotionless moment.

D: Yes, it was like that. Even if I was standing on the stage, it was more about how could I raise my own mood/tension rather than doing it for the fans who came to see us, so if I was in a bad mood, I would stay in a bad mood. But well, at that time, we were playing with that kind of mood/atmosphere: if you don’t like this, then you shouldn’t come to see us.

-If it’s a festival focused on overseas bands like ‘Taste of chaos’, as some people in the audience didn’t know Dir en grey, did that that feeling of irritation come to the forefront?

D: Rather than……at that time, I knew about other bands only by name, but honestly, I was wondering “What the hell is everyone clapping for?”. It looked more like buttering up the audience. It was like “Ah, this is so shallow”. But there are a quite things that I can reflect on now. There were times when I wasn’t kind to the fans.

-That was also reflected on the changes of your music style?

D: That’s it. Back then, it was all about playing guitar. I thought it was pointless if I didn’t shake the guitar off all the way. That’s why I barely listen to the sound of the other members when we were playing live. Things like, matching the rhythm of the drums. This was something that the staff would sometimes point out to me. “Listen to what the others are playing, keep the rhythm more”, things like that.

-At that time, when they told you that, what did you say?

D: I said “Oh, yes” and I tried to do what I was asked to do, but once the live started I was like “Waa, let’s go” (laughs) It was good and bad, isn’t it?

(2nd part here)

#dir en grey #die #Headbang Vol 27 #translation

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ayuuria · 4 years ago

Text

Yashahime Translation: Animedia January 2021 Issue

Please do not repost this translation without my consent! This includes screenshots of any type and amount. If you wish to share this translation, simply link to this post.

For more information regarding the use of my translations, click here.

I do apologize if some of the translations feel awkward. This one was slightly technical so I had to do some research on the side.

Animedia Education Lecture

You think you know but you surprisingly don’t

Working in Anime

— Editing Edition –

A corner where we delve into the work of anime production. This time, we ask Nii Kazuhiro of (share) IMAGICA Lab., who handles the editing for “Hanyō no Yashahime”, about editing!

The job of “editing” is vital not just in anime but also in live movies and tv dramas. People who like films may be able to vaguely imagine the burden of having the big role of organizing the scenes. However, exactly what sort of work do they do in anime production? This time, Mr. Nii Kazuhiro of (share) IMAGICA Lab., who oversees the editing of the action packed “Hanyō no Yashahime”, makes an appearance! We had him discuss editing and the special work process unique to “Hanyō no Yashahime”.

Tell us Nii-san! Let’s learn about “Editing”

Q: What kind of job is “Editing”?

It is a job that manages the flow of the whole film by connecting scenes or shots together. For example, how well a signature move in battle or sports is executed is dependent upon the tempo adjustment “editing”. Other things like scenes where shots are divided effectively by the placement of songs or music in an important work, will always have an editor’s hand (adjustment) involved. Even if the animation is created to flow exactly like the storyboard, a lot of times the timing of those scenes is fine-tuned with editing. Timing is just as important as properly moving images after all.

Q. During what phase of the anime production do you work?

Typically in anime, shots are edited at a phase where the color and sound have not yet been added and is completed as each phase in the production moves forward. Editing takes place before the audio work. Basically, it occurs twice: before voice recording and dubbing (translator’s note: Dubbing here does not mean voice over! Dubbing is the phase where they mix the voicing, sound effects, and music together to match the images). There are many works where color is added after dubbing has concluded, but in “Hanyō no Yashahime”, in order to allow for dubbing with the color, colored images are used as materials when editing. Since the images are colored, we can confirm the fine details with the director and production supervisor and then make adjustments.

Q. How does one become an “Editor”?

I entered a vocational school focused on film making and learned not just about editing but film making as a whole such as filming and lighting. There wasn’t any convenient editing software at the time, so I joined my current company that does film production thinking “Editing is something that can’t be self-taught so I want to learn on the job”. If you want to pursue editing, then you should watch as many different types of films as you can. You can’t notice things in production like direction and the camera angle of a shot if you don’t have interest in it, so I think it’s best to study it for the sake of knowledge.

Q. What abilities are needed for “Editing”?

Communication skills are an absolute must. Especially in animation which has a lot of detailed work itineraries and staff members creating it. To ensure that there are no mistakes, you must ask the director or production supervisor on anything you are unsure of. Of course, you can’t keep asking questions on every single shot so there are times where you will need to understand past productions and make decisions yourself. However, being able to muster up the courage and ask when necessary is important. You need communication skills for that purpose.

The “Hanyō no Yashahime” Production Site Packed with Fixations

— Please tell us the details on how you came to oversee the editing in “Hanyō no Yashahime”.

I had the opportunity to work with Director Satō (Teruo) on “Aikatsu Stars!” and he reached out to me. Since the story was connected to “Inuyasha”, which was broadcasted when I was a child, I felt a lot of pressure at first. While I was nervous when I heard the that main staff hadn’t changed much from “Inuyasha”, I felt “That’s all the more reason I have to work hard”.

— In regard to the editing work, did Director Satō make any demands?

I touched on this earlier in my response to “what phase we work” where I discussed how the director requested “Please have the images close to completion before the dubbing, where the music and voicing will be decided finalized, takes place. I would like to have editing done just before the dubbing as well.” This is what makes this so different from other works.

For example, in action scenes when the image is unfinished, it’s hard to understand the small movements or context. Hence, it’s difficult to take a “Maybe make the tempo like this” sort of editing approach. In typical animes, there are a lot of times where the final images solidify after the sound is completed. When that happens, there’s not much room to make edits for the most part.

However, in “Hanyō no Yashahime”, the images are mostly done before the dubbing so we can make adjustments with the director while matching the images with the voice actor’s lines. I thought it was a good idea. This is a trait unique to this work.

— Was there an aspect that you yourself focused on when editing this work?

While it’s a work with a lot of serious developments, what I focus on during those scenes is the “the interval between emotions”. In live film works, for thinking scenes, the actor’s “thinking act” is included so there’s an interval. However, in anime, the movement simply stops and there are no lines, so a lot of times you can’t measure the interval. Nevertheless, those serious scenes are important in “Hanyō no Yashahime” so I think it’s important to have “intervals” which is what I’m careful about. On the other hand, there are comical scenes, so I’m careful not to destroy the tempo. In anime, the tempo can change if it’s off by 6 frames*

*1 frame = 24 frames per second

The Feeling of Fun in Doing “Editing” Work

— In anime editing, does the work’s genre make a difference?

It does. Lately in action and sport (animes), materials included are not just from the storyboard but also from 3D CG as well, so we’re careful to make sure the connection between that and normal image (2D) scenes don’t feel out of place. When I first started, I couldn’t get the hang of it and was at a loss. The 3D CG portion is done by a different production team instead of the animation (drawing) team, so during my edits I couldn’t visualize the complete final form and fumbled as I worked.

In terms of idol anime, there’s “Aikatsu Stars!” that I worked with Director Satō on, but I was still a novice then… In work that’s geared towards children, I focused on making the tempo of the conversation scenes as steady as possible. If the tempo is too fast, it will end with everything being breezed through and a child will become unable to follow. I remember being careful of that.

— Are there times where you have to edit multiple episodes at the same time?

I mainly only work on one episode at a time. It’s just that periodically I have to confirm and make adjustments on a line-by-line basis in another episode at the same time.

— What part of “Editing” do you feel makes the jobs worthwhile?

In anime, images and CG shots that have been completed at each phase of the process are gathered individually as materials for editing. Updating those materials into one new episode and getting to see the finished product first is what “Editing” is. I think this is what makes the job of “Editing” fun the most. I get a sense of responsibility that I’m managing not only the shots but the entire work as a whole. Also, because I’ve seen the production process, I feel happy and simply moved like “That’s amazing” when all the phases are completed and the whole anime is finished. This is when I feel worthwhile as an editor. Also, I don’t think there’s much opportunity to take part in the production of the character movement and camera work in live filming, so I think this is what makes editing anime fun.

— After going through all the work, how do you feel when you watch the broadcasting of the finished version?

I end up watching it from different angles but when I watch it as a regular viewer, I become happy nonetheless. Of course, there are times where I personally think “I should’ve done this” at the little things. Now with social media, I know the viewers’ reactions in real time, so when there was a huge response to episode 1 with Inuyasha and the others, that put pressure on me going forward (laughs).

The Charm of “Hanyō no Yashahime” That You Personally Enjoy

— Of all the episodes that have been broadcasted thus far, which episode left the biggest impression on you?

Episode 3 where the three heroines (Towa, Setsuna, and Moroha) came together. I got to watch the (voice) recording for that episode and the battle scene was really cool. Also, I was able to properly draw the first conversation between the three so that left the biggest impression on me in that sense.

Then there’s episode 7. It’s the episode where you return to the scene of the three of them that at the very beginning of episode 1. The composition of back tracking up to episode 1 left an impression on me, so even as I was editing episode 7, I admired how it felt like the mystery was being revealed or rather feeling like “I see. This is where it connects”.

— By the way, who is your favorite character personally?

Moroha. She’s fundamentally an energetic character, her skills in action scenes are cool, and the way she seems to mimic the movements of her father, Inuyasha, is entertaining as well. While she behaves in a manner that makes you wonder if she had a tragic past, she’s a character whose emotions are easy to read so that’s why she’s my favorite.

— Including upcoming highlights, please give a message to our readers.

Going forward there will be more episodes regarding the three heroine’s past which I think is a highlight. As I was editing a future episode, I felt “We’re approaching the true nature of the story”. Please look forward to the cool action scenes and the episode where the three’s past will become clear.

#yashahime #hanyō no yashahime #yashahime: princess half-demon #translation

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passionate-reply · 4 years ago

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Great Albums is back for a third time! This week, we discuss Dazzle Ships, the avant-garde masterpiece that was so infamously weird, it almost “sank” the pop career of Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark. Or did it? As usual, you can find a full transcript of the video under the break, if you’d like to read it instead.

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums. Today, I’ll be talking about an album that many would consider OMD’s best, and many would consider the last great album they ever made: 1983’s Dazzle Ships, their fourth studio LP. It has a reputation that precedes it, as a strange, experimental, and avant-garde album. And I can’t argue with that too much, when it has tracks that sound like "ABC Auto-Industry."

The most obvious thing one can say about Dazzle Ships is that it’s dense and rich with samples. You’ll hear found sounds ranging from a “Speak and Spell” toy to a radio broadcast from Czechoslovakia. It’s a magpie’s nest constructed of garbage and baubles, collage-like and conscientiously artificial. And OMD’s Paul Humphreys and Andy McCluskey managed to make it before sampling became easier and hence more widespread later in the 1980s, thanks to advancements in digital technology. In its own day, it was, famously, a huge flop, baffling even the critics, which makes it tempting to argue that the world simply wasn’t ready for it. Popular legend says that Humphreys and McCluskey were essentially forced to make increasingly soft, pop-oriented music for years afterward, usually at the hands of their label’s higher-ups.

Is that story really true? Well, I don’t know, and I’m not sure if anybody really does. But I think it’s important that we entertain some doubt. Regardless of its actual veracity, this legend is offering us a simplistic narrative of art and capital butting heads, and one that we see repeated all too often in music journalism. It’s a story that expects us to believe that experimental music is good by default, and the natural goal of music and all the people who make it--and, conversely, that accessible music is bad, and anyone who writes a song you can dance to is always after profit, never craft.

Ultimately, though, the most important reason why I’m asking you to leave this question at the gate is that it’s simply a less interesting way to think about art. What I think is truly ingenious about OMD is their ability to combine a pop sensibility with that bleeding-edge experimentation, and vice versa. I don’t think of Dazzle Ships as just an inscrutable, esoteric musical ready-made, but rather something capable of animating and enriching a bunch of otherwise mundane sounds. A word I might use for it is "challenging," because it isn't simply off-putting--it has a certain charm that invites you to stick around and work through it, and you don't feel like it's a waste of your time. I think the underlying pop DNA offered by Dazzle Ships is a big part of that.

In “Genetic Engineering,” the samples from that Speak & Spell are contrasted with a more traditional chorus, which rises above the chaos, stirring and anthemic. It’s a song full of friction, not only between these musical ideas, but in ideas about technology and our future. Like many great works of electronic music, especially earlier in its history, Dazzle Ships is deeply concerned with science and technology, and the ways they’ve structured our world. These guys wrote “Enola Gay” a few years earlier, sure, but there’s much more than Luddite, dystopian thinking here! Dazzle Ships walks a tightrope between romantic adoration of the promise of a better tomorrow, and the tempered uncertainty we’re forced to develop, when we witness the devastation our most horrifying inventions have wrought already. Something that helps sell the former is the motif of childhood: in addition to the Speak & Spell, “Genetic Engineering” also features a children’s toy piano, and prominently references “children” in its lyrics. And “Telegraph,” the album’s other single, sees fit to reference “Daddy.”

Touches like these, and the centering of not-so-new technologies like telegraphy and radio, carry us backward in time. Dazzle Ships has a sense of nostalgia for the technological explosion of the Midcentury, when household technologies were improving in ways that saved time and labour, and faith in “better living through science” was high. It’s not a wistful or introspective nostalgia, but rather one that taps into the bustling excitement of living through that era. That retro styling helps us situate ourselves in a childlike mindset: optimistic, but somewhat naive. Children are highly imaginative, and become enthralled with possibility, but don’t always understand every implication their actions have.

But, as I said, “Telegraph” and “Genetic Engineering” were the album’s singles; the typical track on *Dazzle Ships* sounds more like “ABC Auto-Industry.” The track listing is structured such that these more conventional songs are surrounded by briefer, and more abrasive, intrusions. They become signals in the noise, as though we’re listening to them on the radio--or ships, rising above some stormy seas. Several tracks, such as “International,” also feature a more dissonant intro, on top of that, crowding their main melodies inward.

Over the years, many critics have been quick to contrast Dazzle Ships with OMD’s other albums, but I actually think it has a lot in common with their preceding LP, 1981’s Architecture & Morality, and seems to me to flow naturally from the direction the band had already been going in. Architecture & Morality is a lively mix, with moody instrumentals like “Sealand,” guitar-driven numbers like “The New Stone Age,” and catchy, intuitive pop songs like “Souvenir.” Architecture and Morality proved to be their most successful album, when its title track sounds like this. I fail to see how it’s tremendously different than the title track of Dazzle Ships, which leads us on a harrowing sea chase, with radar pings quickly closing in.

That nautical theme is a great segue to discuss the album’s visual motif. Like all of OMD's first five albums, its sleeve was designed by Peter Saville, most famous for his stunning work for New Order. The cover and title were inspired by a painting Saville had seen, Edward Wadsworth’s *Dazzle Ships in Drydock at Liverpool,* which portrays WWI warships painted in striking, zebra-like geometric patterns. These sharply contrasting “razzle dazzle” designs weren’t “camouflage,” but rather served to confuse enemy forces’ attempts to track them, and predict their motions. Dazzle ships were killing machines that fought dirty...and they were also beautiful. It’s a potent, complex symbol, and it’s a natural fit for an album that’s also capricious, perplexing, and captivating in its uniquely modern terror. Saville’s sleeve design features both a die-cut design as well as a gatefold; peeking through the cover’s “portholes” reveals the interior, where we find a map of the world, divided by time zones. It’s yet another reminder of how technology has reshaped the planet, connecting the human race while also creating divisions.

Earlier, I argued that Dazzle Ships isn’t that different from OMD’s preceding LP, and I’d also suggest that their follow-ups to it aren’t all that different, either. It’s easy to see the influence of Dazzle Ships on their most recent work, made after reforming the group in the late 00s, and informed by the critical re-evaluation and cult acclaim of their alleged masterpiece. But even in the 80s, they basically continued the pattern of layering easy to love, “obvious single choice” tracks alongside more experimental, sample-heavy ones. Compare the title track of their sixth LP, 1985's *Crush.*

Even the greatest of pop hitmakers can't maintain a streak in the charts forever--it's not the nature of mainstream pop charts. Not even in the 1980s, when you could get away with quite a lot of electronic weirdness...at least for a while. Looking back and listening to "Maid of Orleans," it's almost hard to believe it was one of OMD's biggest hits. Is it really less weird than something like "Telegraph"? Perhaps they had simply reached the end of their imperial phase...whether they really had that stern talking-to or not.

It's not so much that Dazzle Ships isn't weird, so much as it is foreseeable that a nerdy, left-of-center band like OMD would have come up with it. Dazzle Ships IS excellent--it’s a Great Album! But it's good enough that I think it deserves to be heard and valued on its own terms. The album is too goddamn good--too compelling, too spell-binding--to be reduced to "that one album the plebs were too dumb to really get." I'm not clearing the air because I think this album is overrated, but because I think it deserves better, deeper discourse than it gets. A truly great album is great whether it sells or it doesn't, right? My advice is to never let art intimidate you, no matter how obtuse people say it is. Send your ship on that plunge into the dark waters of the unknown--you might find something beautiful.

That said...my favourite track overall is “Radio Waves,” an irresistibly fun cut that could easily have become a third single. Since “Genetic Engineering” and “Telegraph” live on side one of the record, “Radio Waves” is really the only “reprieve” we get on side two, smack in its middle. It really stands out, in context--almost like the opposite of how a more conventional album might have one out-there track that catches you off guard. Aside from all of that, though, the song also stands perfectly well alone. I have a real soft spot for music about music, how it’s made and transmitted, and “Radio Waves” is simply one hell of a ride.

Thanks for reading!

#great albums #music #omd #orchestral manoeuvres in the dark #album review #album reviews #dazzle ships #peter saville

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harmonymurphy · 3 years ago

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And just for my records, I think I had the most profoundly disturbing dream of my life last night, about the sun failing. One of those dreams that wouldn’t be that disturbing to anyone I describe it to, and the physics was laughably illogical, but I’ve never experienced such a deep sense of existential dread inside a dream before. Probably one of those “you had to be there” experiences.

I’ve had dreams about serial killers after watching Forensic Files. I’ve had dreams of hauntings and demonic possessions after reading too many supposedly true ghost stories. But last night’s dream was the product of my fascination with astronomy. And that’s not something I’m willing to take a break from.

In my dream, I walked outside and noticed the lighting was wrong. It was like during an eclipse where everything is too dim but your shadow is still normal. I looked up at the sun, and it looked like Hoag’s Object. It was much bigger than it should have been, with the central part being a little bigger than a full moon, but it was dim enough that I could look right at it.

After a few minutes of panic, an emergency message was broadcast on all channels announcing that scientists at NASA had come up with a hypothetical way to study the sun’s core. They had discovered some sort of energy beam that would cause convective currents to dissipate. In my dream, the entire sun down to the edge of the core was convective. They thought if they zapped it at the sun, it would interfere with the convective layers and allow then to view the core directly. So they tried it without clearing it with the rest of the scientific community, and the beam completely shut down the sun’s convection. Not just the little spot they planned on, but the entire sun. What I could see up in the sky was the sun’s exposed core, the surrounding gas was now clear since it wasn’t producing light anymore, and the ring around the sun was the remnants of the sun’s corona. (Clearly my subconscious got really confused and squished together aspects of the sun, red dwarfs and white dwarfs, and the Trappist-1 system and how close those planets are to their sun. I’m actually a little embarrassed at how wrong the science was.)

So everyone started demanding they come up with a solution to fix the sun, and all they could come up with was maybe they could hit the sun with a nuke to restart the nuclear reactions, but it would take years for them to design and implement that plan, and they didn’t think they could produce an explosion big enough. And in the meantime, Earth was rapidly cooling. It was already feeling like late autumn outside and they expected the planet to go full Snowball Earth within twenty years. The dim light the sun’s core was putting out somehow couldn’t be used for photosynthesis by plankton, so the oceans were going to collapse by next year, and crops were going to start failing.

I went back outside and looked up at the sun again and started screaming for someone to please wake me up because this couldn’t be real. Then I had this epiphany that this was the solution to the Fermi Paradox: Every alien civilization eventually reached a point where they turned their sun off and their planet froze.

People started going crazy since everyone was going to die soon anyway. A big mob attacked our town and my sister and I were surrounded. Then this guy ran up to us and brandished this three-foot-tall sculpture made of metal plates and said it was an idol of a new god he had just discovered, and since science had betrayed us, the supernatural was our only hope. The mob attacked, and he started praying to his new god, and the sculpture zapped all the people trying to attack us. I started praying with him and briefly was able to shoot electricity out of my hands like the Emperor. After the mob fled, we got the rest of the town to form a circle and all started calling on the god, and up above us the sun’s core brightened for a few seconds, then dimmed again. The guy declared that the gods had forsaken us and all hope was truly lost, and he took his idol and left.

After that, the dream alternated between me discussing options with my sister, and going outside and begging someone to wake me up. We talked about finding the guy with the idol and getting the biggest group we could together to call on his god, but I eventually just sat down in the middle of a road and decided it was hopeless. There was no point in doing anything if we’d all be dead in twenty years. I was thinking about the books I want to write and how there was no point in that now. Every time I looked at the sun, I felt the same way I felt in the days after my father died, when I’d be kept up most of the night by panic attacks at the thought that he was gone forever. I didn’t know it was possible to feel that level of despair in a dream.

Eventually I started discussing suicide with my sister. We didn’t want to starve or freeze. Someone was handing out syringes of poison, and we each took one. But then I realized I’d have to put my chihuahua Rocky to sleep first because I refused to leave him by himself, and I just couldn’t do that. So we agreed we’d stay alive until Rocky died and then we’d end it. And then I realized I couldn’t find Rocky, and I was worried someone might try to eat him since there would be a food shortage soon, so my dream became one of those where you keep running and running but you never make any progress, and I kept looking up at the sun, consumed with the thought that everything was about to come to an end and all of human history was for nothing, and I just couldn’t believe this was actually happening to me.

And then my sister woke me up, and I have never been that happy to wake up in my life. I almost thanked her for waking me up, but then I realized I didn’t want to tell her about my dream. I just sat there and kept telling myself it was just a dream over and over, because no matter how bad and illogical the science was, no matter how backwards my mind got the details of how stars work, it had felt so real. I was going to sit with my sister while we ate supper, but I still felt so disturbed by the dream that I kept zoning out and staring off into space at nothing, so I decided to eat in my room alone.

I can point to a dozen little things from the past week that inspired the dream. Primarily it was based off my real fear of the future red giant phase of the sun - watching videos about it actually scares me. This week I had been thinking about a game called Outer Wilds that involves a time loop that always ends with their sun exploding, and while I think it looks interesting, the premise also stirs up my sense of existential dread. Other things were inspired by a song I had been listening to the previous night containing the line “I don’t want the sun to burn without you,” the Hadron Collider, stellar lifting (and probably several other things I learned about from Isaac Arthur that I’ll remember in the next few days), videos I’ve watched recently that discussed Snowball Earth and the evolution of plankton, the Chicxulub impact, that ongoing attempt to get a space probe to touch the sun with gravitational help from Venus that will take several years to complete, memories of my brother telling me scientists thought there might be a chance hydrogen bombs would ignite the atmosphere or the Van Allen belts but they blew them up anyway (never fact-checked that so don’t quote me), the concept of strange matter and how it could “infect” anything it touched, the danger of astrophysical jets from a supernova, and wondering if the sun could have habitable planets if it was fully convective like a red dwarf since the sun spins so slowly and a lot of those dangerous flares are a result of how fast red dwarfs spin. The weird supernatural elements were inspired by some stories I’ve been wanting to write lately, as well as my recent replay of the game Blue Fire with its very bleak setting and mythology. And a Youtuber I follow had recently read a creepypasta with a title that referenced solving the Fermi Paradox,

All in all, I would rather have a dozen nightmares about demons chasing me through the woods than one more nightmare based on science. I can still make myself shiver by focusing on how I felt when I looked up at the sun and realized the world was dying.

#Brevity is an alien concept to me #I wish I'd just dream about demons again #Sci-fi nightmares are so much worse

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charliesradiodemon · 5 years ago

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Arranged Marriage AU (Part 3)

Part 1 Part 2

(ping reminder for @ariloucii <3)

Part 3

Charlie was back in the 666 News studio after six months since her last broadcast appearance and public humiliation. This time however, she was with her father and Alastor. She should feel safe coming back with the two feared demons, but she couldn't hold back the foreboding feeling in her gut or the bad memories. She just wanted to get the announcement over with as soon as possible.

It took months of convincing for Charlie to get a sliver of time on the news show. But it seemed that her father managed to get air time overnight without a hitch. But what was strange about this announcement was the fact they were at 666 News and not at the mansion for a private announcement. Why they were announcing the engagement at this news station, Charlie didn’t know.

Charlie stuck close to the food table all by herself while Alastor and her father spoke to none other than Katie Killjoy herself, who completely ignored Charlie's existence and pulled the pair away from her as soon as they arrived. She watched their exchanges from afar all while noticing how the crew members gave the princess either the stink eye or laughed as they passed her. It was obvious everyone here remembered her stunt half a year ago and it only made Charlie want to shrink.

She wished her mother was here. Charlie even wondered if her mom knew she was engaged. ‘She definitely knows. Right?’ . Suddenly Charlie’s heart hurt thinking about how her own mother might not even come to the ceremony. She had to. There was no reason to think otherwise, right? With nothing else to turn to, she clutched at the skirts of her dress to try to calm herself. She needed to stop thinking about everything and stay positive. She had to.

Trying to get her mind off her mom and those who sneered at her, Charlie went back to watching the news anchor kiss up to both her father and her fiancee. She even seemed to be throwing herself at Alastor who, Charlie could sense, was not in the mood to indulge the arrogant newscaster. She remembered that Alastor wasn’t interested in lewd relations of any kind and the thought of him denying Katie’s advances nearly made Charlie laugh. The influence she flaunted truly didn’t mean anything to either of them.

Suddenly Charlie caught Alastor glancing back at her and she popped a tentative smile and a wave. He waved back and returned his attention to Lucifer and Katie. This was the third time she caught him staring since arriving.

She caught him looking at her several times during the ride to the studio. Whenever their eyes met, she’d always look away as if nothing happened. She kept feeling his piercing gaze on her throughout the afternoon since they gathered for the interview and announcement. She couldn’t understand exactly why he did this, but it almost felt like he was checking in on her, as if he cared in his own strange way. It was an oddly comforting thought, but it was still very strange.

“We’re live in 2 minutes!” Called the producer. Saved by the bell, Alastor and her father excused themselves to return to Charlie, who noticed how everyone around them avoided eye contact with either demon. They even scrambled to get out of their way. It was obviously respect borne of fear, something Charlie lacked with her subjects. She may have been princess of Hell, but that title didn’t mean a single thing to anyone if she didn’t express her power like her father or mother had. She just never wanted that kind of treatment.

Alastor greeted her and offered his arm out for her to loop her own arm around. Audible gasps and whispers could be heard throughout the studio.

“I knew someone who got torn to shreds for even accidentally bumping into him!”

“He could destroy her for touching him!”

“Anyone else would be dead meat for sure.”

Suddenly it all hit Charlie. The purpose of this marriage, the perks and what Alastor meant by having this marriage benefit her- it suddenly made sense. This relationship was what she needed to be taken seriously. In the eyes of the public, she’d gained the trust and respect of the infamous Radio Demon and she realized she could use it to her advantage. There was more to this marriage, but she could explore it later. For now, she had a show to put on. Confidently, she looped her arm around his as if she’d done it thousands of times before.

“My, you catch on quickly dear.” Alastor said quietly to her with an amused smile and a quirked eyebrow. She smiled up at him with full confidence and walked over to the news desk, arm-in-arm with one of Hell’s most powerful and feared mortal souls.

Once they reached the desk, Katie Killjoy glared Charlie down. Whether it was out of jealousy or the grudge she still probably held, or both, it was obvious that Katie was still not impressed with her. But before Katie could start anything, one or the producers clapped his hands to get the studio's attention. Katie scoffed at the pair and sat down in her usual seat. Lucifer took his seat right next to Katie. Alastor took the next seat and pat the last seat next to him. "I assume you would like to be seated furthest from that wet blanket," he smirked. Charlie gave him an appreciative nod and took her seat. It took her a moment to realize how close their seats were to each other. There was enough space at the desk, why were they shoulder to shoulder with each other?

“Okay we’re live in 3…2…”

“Welcome back! I’m Katie Killjoy!” Katie cheerily said through grit teeth.

“And I’m Tom Trench!”

“Today we have the honor of hosting some special guests! Today we have the big boss of Hell himself! And accompanying him is the elusive Radio Demon!” She announced as she gestured to the two guests to her right. “Okay! So tell-“

“I believe you forgot someone! How she slipped your mind I could never guess.” Alastor’s cheery, yet not so subtly threatening interruption forced Katie to halt her reporting and effectively challenging her on live television. She snapped her head to watch as Alastor pointed at Charlie with an arm swung around her shoulders. Lucifer also shot Katie an unamused scowl, signaling her to do her job properly. She couldn't do much else but comply. The crew even looked like they were sweating. After all, pissing off two immensely powerful beings could prove disastrous for everyone in the studio, so the producer shot Katie a panicked yet hard-pressed stare.

Katie leaned over the table to make sure Charlie could see her face. If looks could kill, Katie Killjoy would have erased Charlie from existence already. As she retracted back into her seat she sighed and muttered quickly “And we have Charlotte, princess of Hell,” Charlie smiled awkwardly and waved to the camera that may not have been on her. Relieved sighs could be heard through the studio.

Katie quickly changed tones and continued as if nothing happened. “With that out of the way, we’re here today to listen to an important announcement from Lucifer himself! As the king of Hell, I’m sure it’s going to be a big one! So what news do you have for the people?” She smiled as brightly as she had before to cover her unbridled rage.

Lucifer stood and took a minute to clear his throat. With a wide grin he turned to the camera. “I do have an important announcement to make. We are making changes to our household. Big changes!” Lucifer proudly announced and glanced at the couple. “It is my pleasure to welcome Alastor the Radio Demon into the royal family as fiancee to my daughter-“ he paused for a moment to gesture toward the pair. “-Princess Charlotte Magne!”

The room fell deadly silent and still. Nobody moved a muscle and all Charlie could see were gaped mouths and wide eyes. The intense atmosphere made Charlie tense up, but it didn’t seem to phase either Alastor or her father. She didn't know what to expect from the announcement, though she hadn't really thought about it at all. Satisfied with his announcement and reactions he concluded his statement. “I believe Alastor has some words to say.” And sat back down.

As Lucifer sat, Alastor shot up from his seat like an elated child. He cleared his throat as he took in the atmosphere. The intensity of the room did not waver, but Alastor was definitely enjoying it. “Hello! I trust you all know who I am by now," he paused to chuckle, soaking in the attention and intensity of the situation. He was not a television type of man, but he could definitely get used to this refreshing sensation! He was being seen and heard publicly for the first time, he needed to put on a show! "Yes, I am now engaged to miss Charlie here,” he turned to look down at Charlie and effortlessly pulled her up from her seat to spin then dip her. She was fluid in his arms as if she were unconsciously trusting his movements. He set the discombobulated princess up right and wrapped his arm around her to hold her even closer to him. He turned his head to face her. He was going to get his point across and show her just how serious he was about their partnership. “And I have made a promise to always be by her side and keep her safe. Forever.”

The last word hit Charlie like a baseball bat to the face. As she stared up at Alastor with wide eyes, she remembered his exact words to her.

‘Have I ever broken a promise to you?’

Suddenly Charlie felt as though her heart was going to burst straight out of her chest.

“Oh shit.” Charlie whispered.

Part 4 HERE

#Ive been editing this up until i uploaded lol #charlastor #charlastor fic #charlie x alastor #alastor x charlie

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atticusm · 4 years ago

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*clears throat* hi, is this thing working? i’m candy, broadcasting from aest and i go by she/her pronouns. may i present my baby atticus! i did not intent for this introduction to get as long as it has, so i am sooOOOooo sorry about that. in short, this is my kindergarten teacher that takes a while to warm up to people but likes to talk ... take that as you will. he likes to have fun when he’s in the mood and loves his job and will do anything for his loved ones. give this a like if you’d like to plot and i’ll head to your dms, or hmu either or! stats, wanted connections and all that jazz to come i’m just to excited. ENJOY :’) @mapleviewstarters

full name : atticus james maitland nickname(s) : ace , atta , atti ( rare ) birth date : october twenty-seven zodiac sign : scorpio age : twenty-seven gender : cis male pronouns : he / him / his sexual orientation : bisexual romantic orientation : biromantic education : high school diploma , bachelor of arts in elementary education , teaching license/certification

tw: infidelity.

BACKGROUND

born three years after his older brother, atticus was brought into what seemed to be a happy, stereotypical “ everyday ” family - yet by the age of two karissa and heath maitland’s mariage was anything but a joyous one. to the outside world the maitland family were the one’s that would be there whenever someone needed a helping hand, would be the first to put their hand up for community activities, be seen smiling and have no qualms. behind closed doors, however, that was not the case.

atticus grew up with his mother and father arguing profusely or even barely speaking to each other on a regular basis. there were times that they got along, of course, but atticus always looks back on his childhood filled with tension. like he was walking on eggshells. the most he had fun with his family was when they went on holidays or were out and about in general, simply because his parents would put on an act. dare anybody in mapleview know what was going on between them.

when atticus began to find his voice, he began to step in when his parents would argue; telling them to stop though it would only get him so far. sometimes they wouldn’t hear him when he was very young, or they would demand him go to his room and they were having an adult discussion. as time went on, karissa would back down and she, atticus and his brother would often go for a walk together. they would often talk about everything about anything, would find something to do together and she soon became his favourite person.

when it came to school, he went through phases of loving it, then hating it and then coming around to loving it again. this didn’t change much all the way through to the end of high school. there was a lot he liked about school as he got older - mainly because he could get out of the house and talk to people, find new things to do and explore new interests. some interests his parents wouldn’t be too happy to hear about, like getting his first stick and poke tattoo at sixteen in his best friends basement.

around the start of his final year of high school, a fight between karissa and heath broke out as per normal in the early hours of the morning. it had woken atticus from the slamming of doors and screaming between them, but what took him from his bed was the sound of their family car leaving the driveway. he doesn’t ever remember seeing his mother cry before that point, and seeing her sitting on the back porch in the moonlight trying to muffle her crying broke him.

turns out heath had been had been having an affair, and it wasn’t the first time he had cheated on karissa. it had happened when he was seven, though they had agreed to work through it for the two boys - much to atticus’ disgust. he sat with her that night, and although she didn’t want to to begin with, she let him comfort her and she talked about it all to him.

by the end of his senior year, his parents had were living in separate houses and filling for divorce. and atticus was all for it as much as it hurt him. he knew it would be for the best. they couldn’t stay together any longer and the fact they stayed together for him and his brother riddled him with guilt. not only did he feel guilty for being the reason they stayed together, he also felt bad for how people would’ve seen their family after the divorce was finalized.

COLLEGE/TEACHING

atticus went straight to college, not wanting to muck around and waste time in getting his degree. he studies hard, but that didn’t mean he didn’t party hard. one third of college was spent drunk/hungover, another was spent with his head in the books and the other was on practical work placement. the minute he stepped into a classroom on his student teaching placement he knew there was no turning back ( not that the debt would be a deterrence ).

he graduated at twenty-two, spent one school year as a teaching assistant at the elementary school and applied the year of his twenty-forth birthday. luckily, he got the job as a kindergarten teacher. this will be his third year teaching kindergarten.

atticus has always loved children and has always been interested in the idea of teaching, specifically younger children. he loves always learning new things, which teaching can certainly do for him, but mainly he wants to be able to impact the lives of children in a positive way and make a difference. children are the leaders of tomorrow and if he can make that difference, make a child smile or make coming to school fun, then he feels like he’s accomplished something in his life. he knows that he remembers his teachers that made him feel like he could do anything and be who he wanted to be. not only that, but he certainly needed a positive adult figure at that age when home life was filled with such tension.

PRESENT

at the moment, atticus is renting a nice little house in chestnut drive while he saves for his own house. he is very comfortable with who he is and whoever thinks otherwise is free to their opinion, but he doesn’t care for it.

he is not on speaking turns with his father, and hasn’t been since mid college. he would rather chew off his own arm than speak to him. atticus is well aware he is holding a gruge, but he doesn’t care; maybe in ten years time he’ll loosen up but not any time soon. thankfully, heath moved out of town so not speaking to him makes it easier.

this is all i have for now but let’s build on this by plots!

PERSONALITY

atticus can have a lot of fun, you just have to get him in the right mood. he won’t go out for night on the town if he’s feeling low because he’s just going to have a depressive come down and how self destructive he can be. he had his reckless days, and he’s more aware of the consequences his actions cause.

with that being said! he’s very social, loves to talk as long as it’s not about himself too deeply. will be that guy that won’t leave you sitting alone and will engage in conversation with anyone about almost anything.

his moods can be very up and down, leaving him to be very unpredictable. one week he’ll be very happy and cheery and the next he’ll be extra reserved, keeping to himself and his thoughts.

atticus keeps people at a distance and will be very suspicious of those he doesn’t know. there are times he honestly wishes he could be a mind reader because it would put him at ease ( at least a little bit ). it takes him a long time to warm up to people and when he does, he forms very deep connections with them. he has a lot of people he knows, but few close friends.

touching on that, he will do just about anything for those he cares for. he is vengeful, cunning and will bide his time to take out his payback if need be if someone hurts his loved ones. he will always keep his job in the back of his mind, and if he needs to, he will get someone to do his dirty work for him ( don’t come at me for it ). when he cares for you, you’re basically like family to him.

he is a very caring, loving gentleman and affectionate deep in his core. whenever a child comes in upset, after making sure the class is working away in groups, he’ll talk to them. or whenever they’re hurt, he’s the first one they call over. in his personal life, atticus is definitely the person you can ring in the middle of the night if you need help and he will be there one he’s made a quick instant coffee for the both of you.

very very passionate about his job! atticus stays up late some nights looking for new work ideas, stays back late to hang up artwork, is in early more often than not to make sure the classroom is set up just right.

he loves to express himself through his clothes; wearing colours and patterns and flared pants. much like harry but tries not to go too over the top for the workplace. catch him after work showing off those tattoos ( that i will write about on his stats page ) with low cut tops and patterned vests, or silk pants, ruffled blouses. that is where his money goes.

#mapleviewintro #this was so choppy i know it but my eyes are burning #this is what i have so far but let's plot #god i hope this was ok tell me if i'm missing anything

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the-queer-look · 4 years ago

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Queer Limelight

Name: Anton Age: 59 Location: Redfern Occupation: News Presenter Sexual Orientation: Gay Gender: Male

I’ve been a news presenter for the past twenty five years, and I’ve spend just over twenty two with SBS, in the presenters chair since 1999. I identify as a gay man. Of all the labels you could apply to yourself in life that would be the one that most defines who I am. I would describe myself as being quite conventional in the way I present in terms of gender, and fashion forwardness. I don’t think I’m particularly adventurous when it comes to fashion, I like to look smart and presentable, but because there is a public version of me and a private version of me, I tend to keep the two fairly seperate. For professional events, appearances, and broadcasts there is a very specific way that I am required to dress, and it’s quite constrained. When I’m not in that mode, just walking the dog, hanging out with my partner, or doing sports it’s much more dressed down than even just meeting someone like I’m meeting you today where I would want to be along that line of smart and comfortable. In terms of presenting gender wise I present as very male. I come from a generation of gay men where there was a very strong divide between flamboyant men, and masculine men, and no one wanted to be the flamboyant man who was easily identified as gay – It was a time when you wouldn’t want to be easily recognised as gay, luckily times have changed, but I still feel that that sense of who I am is leaning to that masculine side. Given I’m not a particularly masculine personality, the way I present is definitely leaning in that direction.

A lot of people say that it (realising your sexuality) happened very young for them. High school for me was the turning point where I realised that there was an attraction that I felt. The way that my guy friends were getting crushes on girls, I was getting crushes on boys. Initially you just think “oh thats just a phase I’m going through, don’t worry about it.” but by the time I reached high school I realised that’s a feeling that isn’t going away and that it felt very natural. It’s a fairly agonising time, realising that that’s part of who you are, and not just something that you’re going through and will grow out of.

I am more assertive as a gay man, There is a burden that is lifted from you when you come out, and thirty five years ago it was a very different process coming out compared to what it is today. It manifests in smaller things like… would a man wear a scarf? There was a time when I wouldn’t do that because it felt too flamboyant, too obvious. Now though I feel much more comfortable, I’ll wear statement pieces, I wear an ear stud on camera – there was a time that would have been completely unacceptable for being too gay. Today? No one gives a stuff, News presenter is wearing an ear stud? So what? I’ve had it in since 1982, it’s not a new thing, but I can now feel comfortable having it in and presenting a part of my personality. I used to have to take it out and replace it with one of those blank studs for the news, its so much easier now!

I’m originally from South Africa, which was a fairly repressive society, and there was a lot of pressure to conform. I was outed by a newspaper reporter who just ambushed me saying “I just found out this information, would you like to comment on this story? I’m going to publish it anyway.” I was outed and not sure where it would leave my television career, but it was also like a liberation, I didn’t have to hide anymore. From there I became active in sports administration, gay and lesbian sport specifically. That was a big validation for me, it was like finding a home to be where I felt comfortable. We were actually campaigning for change, acceptance, and awareness. We had media campaigns going, local and international sports events going and that was a big turning point for me in terms of feeling comfortable as a gay man.

It was both empowering but at the same time those were the early nineties. It was a time of great transition for all of South Africa. Apartheid was being broken down, all of that negotiation was going on and it felt like the gay community… we weren’t the main game, but there was an opportunity for the community to say “hey, don’t forget about us, there are all these major political reforms, new constitution and everything, and we are a part of the deal.” It was quite empowering – I wasn’t a part of the process, that was for all of the advocates, lawyers, campaigners, and activists, who were doing all of the negotiating, but it was quite exciting to be a part of something new – to go from a system of great repression to a model constitution that was a world leading document that included a bill of rights that specifically included no discrimination on the basis of age, gender, sexual orientation, ableism and so on. It felt like being a part of history.

It was interesting to come to Australia from that, a whole different environment that was completely unknown. I came into a media market where I had zero experience and just lucked out at finding any employment. In about 2002 there was a thing in “The Good Weekend” called “Just The Two Of Us.” where they just interview two people about their relationship. They called me up and asked me to take part and I didn’t think for one second whether I should consider the implications, or consult my employer, and it was like a second coming out, just here in Australia. I outed myself as a gay man to a national publication. Luckily I work for quite a progressive network where that sort of thing has never been an issue.

I’m quite positive about the term “Queer”, I’m very much in the camp that says “That’s out word to use in whatever positive and constructive way that we want”. There was obviously a time in my life when that was used as an insult, and you couldn’t speak back against that because that was just the way society was set up in those days. There was the “establishment” the state, the church, community leaders, psychologists, everyone was on one side, and you were the exception, the outsider, the rule breaker, the disruptor, and the establishment could use all of these weapons to beat you down and try to make you conform, and that was one of the words that they used in those days to try and force you to be something you were not. I celebrate the fact that nowadays we can take a word like that and say this is our word, this word is for us and we have the right to shape how it is used.

I thin it’s very important to keep some pressure on all media to keep everyone honest. We all have a place in all of those platforms, and you need to keep reminding them that cant have an all white newsroom, and all white presenting team, and all heterosexual presenting team, or an all non-indigenous group. We need that diversity, and we need to keep reminding people when they fall down on the job. There are organisations like Media Diversity run by Antoinette Lattouf from Chanel Ten, and it’s really important to have organisations like that to support people trying to get opportunities in the media, whatever little support and advocacy you can get as a minority is always welcome and needed.

I always try in whatever small way I can to support organisations, individuals, campaigns that try to present a positive image of the larger gay and lesbian community. I’m not sure if that counts as being completely engaged in the queer community, I’m not an activist or advocate, but I try to support the community whenever I can.I feel absolutely connected with gay and lesbian people in the wider community. It is very much a part of who I am and how I see myself. I’m proud to be a part of that community, it isn’t something that was thrust upon me, it’s something I embrace. You don’t want to be pigeonholed as the “something” person within the media landscape – I don’t want to be labelled as the gay news presenter, or the brown skinned, or the migrant. We are many things in many situations, but my connection to the gay community is a key part of who I am.

I think that, like it or not, those of us that have a public profile have a sense of having to be better just to be good enough. You cant be just another person. There aren’t enough queer people in the media in order to just disappear and not make an impression and not make a positive impression on the airwaves. I don’t regard myself as a role model, but whatever positive presence I can present I can, and if I’m here then there’s room for other people like me to be here as well, and if that’s the only message that I can put out there then I’m happy with that.

We’ve come such a long way, but I would like to reach a point where it becomes more ordinary. We shouldn’t just be noticed when it’s Mardi Gras, or have someone be noted as our first gay something or other. I don’t want my gayness to be the main thing that people define me by. I want to reach a point where a person’s gender or sexuality is present, but unremarkable.

Full gallery on Facebook.com/thequeerlook

Please contact us if you would like to be involved

#lgbt #lgbtqiaplus #gay #queer #the queer look #photography #portrait #pride #sbs #Anton enus

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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1011

1. Five facts about your current relationship OR five facts about your single life.

a) I haven’t been truly single in...around 6 years, so it’s been a bit of an adjustment.

b) It was my last day as an intern yesterday (but they hired me, so I’m staying after all, haha) and since I’ve felt like I gained a family in the last two months, I thought it would be okay to give professionalism a break and share what had actually been going on with me on my first day on the job, aka when the breakup was still fresh and I was still figuring out how to function all over again. It unsurprisingly surprised everyone and my superior said something like, “Omg it’s the [company name] curse; it’s so strong it broke you guys up before you even got hired” which got a laugh out of me.

c) I’m not interested in seeing other people.

d) Probably wouldn’t be, for a long time. My trust has been irreparably broken.

e) Seeing couples in public has now become annoying. I’m happy for them, but it’s still annoying.

2. Five facts about a past relationship.

a) I’ve known her since kindergarten, but we didn’t become friends till 7th grade and didn’t start dating until junior year of high school.

b) We were legal with her family and her parents loved me and I them. On the other hand, I was never able to come out to my family because she broke up with me before I could be able to do so.

c) She introduced me to vaping.

d) We were never able to truly travel together, which we always planned to do after graduating. The farthest we reached was Batangas.

e) She never knew where she wanted to eat whenever we were out, so I was mostly the one who decided which restaurant we were going to have lunch or dinner in.

3. Five facts about your mother.

a) She has always worked in hotels, which is great because it has always allowed us to get room and buffet discounts, heh.

b) Her family (aka my grandparents, her, and my uncles) struggled financially for a little bit when my grandpa lost his job when she was in college. When her friends would go to fast-food restaurants, my mom would always decline, saying she had schoolwork to finish. In reality she just couldn’t afford anything, and the only money she held was for public transport.

c) She is a little childish considering her age, and I cannot stand her petty tantrums. She was childish even when I was a kid, and I believe my emotional well-being suffered because of that.

d) She has a high pain tolerance and the only time I’ve seen her struggle was when she was getting a tattoo on the back of her shoulder.

e) She is also extremely religious and it especially grinds my gears when she gets hypocritical about it, which is just about all the time.

4. Five facts about your father.

a) He has only ever dated my mom.

b) He grew up extremely poor and at some point his parents actually stopped being able to afford his tuition. Instead of being kicked out, a few nuns who served in the school paid my grandparents a visit and told them my dad would be given a scholarship since he had good grades and it would have been a waste if he got expelled.

c) He was a dancer in high school, knows how to play the guitar, and he also apparently knows how to draw very well. There’s a lot I don’t know about him, considering he has worked abroad my whole life.

d) He breaks or loses his reading glasses once every few months. I know which parent I definitely take after.

e) I have never seen him cry.

5. Five facts about your sibling. If you have more than one, pick one. Or do them all!

a) She had problems crying in school until she was in around 2nd or 3rd grade.

b) She’s in college and is currently taking up digital filmmaking.

c) She’s the biggest introvert I know. I’ve never seen her be willing to do anything silly; not even with her friends.

d) She can’t handle spicy food.

e) Her main interests have shifted from Harry Potter, to One Direction, to 5SOS, and now K-pop. I believe she’s into Seventeen the most.

6. Five facts about your town.

a) The upper part of the city offers amazing views of the Metro Manila skyline, which has recently made the place a kinda popular nightlife destination.

b) There’s a lot of hidden gem restaurants here but because most people spend more time complaining about how far my city is and how difficult it is to get to than actually just making the damn ride over here, the restaurants stay hidden and uncrowded. Their loss.

c) Used to be massively underdeveloped for most of my childhood and teenage years. Now there are several malls and I can easily go to a McDonald’s, Burger King, and Starbucks right outside our village.

d) Because you basically have to drive through a mountain to get to the upper part of the city, it’s not the safest highway and fatal crashes are unfortunately common.

e) The city is known for its suman, except I hate Filipino rice cakes and this actually doesn’t do anything for me.

7. Five facts about your house.

a) It used to have a balcony until we had that transformed into another bedroom. So technically it is still a balcony; it just hasn’t had that purpose for a while now.

b) My mom used a little cheat in our dining room and installed a huge wall mirror. Most people visiting for the first time always note how much larger it made the room (and thus the house) look.

c) I live in a neighborhood where the houses are of the same model and look (think the Squidville episode from Spongebob). That said, balconies are included in all properties. When my parents decided to renovate ours and turn it into a room, so many houses slowly followed suit as well. It was amusing to see it unfold, knowing the idea undoubtedly originated from us. It was like a revolution.

d) We don’t have a gate, which irritates me to no end because it allows noisy neighborhood kids to just march and run around our property. Sometimes they even make it to our carport and backyard, ugh. :(

e) Speaking of backyard, the landscaping for it used to be a pebble mosaic designed to look like a swan. But over the years the quality deteriorated, so my parents to opted to have the pebbles crushed into tiny rocks and embedded onto the ground. I don’t exactly know what this technique is called, but yeah.

8. Five facts about your niece or nephew. If you have more than one, pick one. Or do them all! Skip if you don’t have one. I don’t have any, but I do have a godson so I’m going with him as I don’t want to leave any section blank.

a) He was born sometime in December. I honestly don’t remember when, loooooool. Worst godmother ever.

b) He’s actually one of my first cousins, but I guess my aunt saw something in me and wanted me to be his godson. I’ve been a terrible one, though; I’ve never bought him gifts or money or anything – to be fair, I was made a ninang when I was like, 14 or 15 lmao. But I can definitely make up for it now that I’m starting to earn my own money.

c) He’s the calmer, sweeter version of his older brother. His kuya was a pretty naughty kid when he was his age.

d) He mainly speaks English, as how most younger parents raise their kids these days. He understands Filipino of course, but he mostly communicates in English.

e) The last time I saw him, he was in the middle of a ridiculously adorable interviewing phase where he’d approach anyone in the family and start asking them a series of questions: what’s your favorite color? What food can’t you live without? What’s your favorite subject in school? Would you rather win $1 million dollars or know how to fly? It typically got exhausting after the 25th question, but it was so cute nonetheless. None of us have any idea where it came from.

9. Five facts about your education.

a) I went to a private, all-girls, Catholic school from kinder up to high school, and then moved to a public, co-educational, non-sectarian university for college. It was the very epitome of culture shock, lemme tell ya.

b) Some classes I had in my first school that might be uncommon in others have included penmanship (because my school has its own brand of cursive), environmental education, and I don’t remember what this next class was called anymore but we were basically taught how to write professionally? Like how to write cover letters and resumés and all.

c) My first school is extremely homophobic and went so far as to ‘hire’ spies tasked to check up on who’s been in same-sex relationships, list them all down, and report them to the guidance office so that they can be called one by one and be interrogated, and for the most part, pressured to come out. I don’t know if they still do this, but the younger batches are definitely more vocal and woke now thanks to social media and I doubt those practices would still fly today.

d) My university education was a breath of fresh air. Suddenly people were wearing sleeveless tops, mobs and rallies were a common sight to me, and my instructors were now atheist and not shoving Catholicism and Jesus and salvation down my throat. I loved every single day of it.

e) The most interesting class I took in college was a course called Pornography in Electronic Media, under the broadcast communication department. Getting to tell people I take a class where we sit down to watch porn was such a fucking ride.

10. Five facts about your job.

a) I got hired last Wednesday, but I had been interning for the company for around two months before they extended the offer.

b) I’m pretty much gonna be doing the same things I did as an intern, except I’m now accountable for any boo-boos I make HAHAHAHA. Also, I’m gonna be paid a lot more, obviously, which is sweet. I really thought we interns were severely underpaid considering the work that we help with on a daily basis.

c) My role is going to be with another department which is a little scary because it means the things I learned with the department I actually interned at will be pretty much useless. I’ll be starting from scratch again, but I’m still excited.

d) It’s a work-from-home situation, which is a relief for me because I don’t have to wake up early and I don’t have to face traffic.

e) My job interview for the position was actually a bit of a bomb because I absolutely fumbled with and messed up the first question I was asked; and since first impressions matter, I really thought I lost the gig from the very start of the interview. I made up for it as the interview continued and fortunately was able to break the ice and build a rapport with the team members who spoke with me, and I guess I did enough for them to want to take me in anyway.

For those who are curious, I blanked the fuck out when they asked “Tell me something about yourself that isn’t in your resumé.” Slowest 15 seconds of my life.

#survey #surveys

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fairie-gothmother · 4 years ago

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In The Shadow of Starlight, Part 6: Gut Instincts

First part: The Fall

Previous: The Sheep Will Flock

How long had it been? Days, weeks? Troy lost track of time while he’d been slowly starving to death. Since his excommunication, each moment blurred into the next as whatever he possessed of the leech power fed off of his own body. Finally, he had some relief. He couldn’t help but be grateful for the scientist’s carelessness during the lab experiments. That was the first time he’d taken from any siren apart from his twin. It felt very different. This energy was more restless than he was used to. Maybe this what Ty meant by saying she could taste what she leeched.

Now that Troy had some extra juice, he felt incredible. Even after Lilith dumped him in Sanctuary’s garage on the bottom deck, he was amped. And what did Troy do when he was hyped up and left to his own devices? He beatboxed. The Calypso bobbed his head and swayed to the groove, bustling around the room and inspecting the equipment. He had to admit, it wasn’t a bad setup. He knew everyone was talking about him, probably deciding where to eject him into space, but he wished they’d hurry it up already.

He paused when a noise from nearby threw off his rhythm. A beep came again from a cluttered desk. With no regard to the desk owner’s privacy, he opened one of the drawers to find an Echo device inside. It was an older model, but obviously still in working condition. Troy glanced over his shoulder and scanned the room for cameras before putting the Echo on silent mode and slipping it into his pocket.

“Hey.”

Troy reeled around, startled from the voice and saw the blue haired siren descending the stairs into the workshop.

“Relax,” the sapphire siren said. She wiped the dust off a tool box and casually leaned against it. “Don't look so guilty. I, uh… Sorry for phase-chucking you across Tannis’s lab. You alright?”

Oh. He wasn't busted after all. Still, Troy couldn’t help but be suspicious. No way she cared to chat. Probably cared even less about hurting him. A golden canine glinted through his lopsided smile. “I did ask for it, didn’t I? But yeah, I’m good. No hard feelings, Meg.”

“It’s Maya,” she said, obviously annoyed. “Get it right next time. Okay, Trent?”

Excuse me? Troy furrowed his brow and glared at her. She wore a playful smirk and raised her eyebrows as if daring him to correct her. Interesting. She was messing with him.

“Alright then, Maya. Let’s hear it already,” he folded his arms across his chest. “Are you guys gonna launch me into the nearest sun? Or does the scientist want me as a lab rat for unethical tests? Whatever it is, please don’t tell me it’s life in prison. That’s boring. I deserve something creative.”

Maya shook her head. “Oh, no. You don’t get off that easy. You’re still helping us fight the COV.”

Troy cocked his to one side, analyzing the siren in a skeptical stare. As hard he looked for the smallest hint that she was full of shit, her body language suggested she was telling the truth. He huffed, “So what, no punishment then? I figured the Firehawk would want this handsome mug served on a silver platter.”

Maya gave a one shouldered shrug. “You said you didn’t leech Tannis on purpose. Sometimes powers are weird like that. With some training, you might be able to control it.”

Easy for her to say. If only it was as simple as meditating on a mountain to master his broken siren powers. “Ah, right. You’re from Athenas. I’m sure those monks taught you all about control and restraint, great power is great responsibility, blah-blah-blah. But it’s pretty safe to say that I’m a special case. Clearing my chakras isn’t gonna do it for me.”

“It would at least help with that attitude of yours.”

Troy began pacing and brought his flesh hand to his chin. “I don’t know. It wouldn’t be considered very zen if I accidentally ended up leeching you. Then again, you might taste like chamomile tea.” He cast a half-hearted sideways glance in Maya’s direction.

Maya rapidly drummed her fingernails on the tool box and said, “I take it back. I’m not sorry to phaselocking you.”

“That’s what I thought,” Troy snickered. “Be honest. How many times a day do you phaselock stuff just because you can?”

Maya closed her eyes and clasped her hands in front of her, mimicking a monk’s prayer pose. “I take a great amount of pride in my self discipline so if you must know-” She raised her left hand, and her fingers sparked. A ball peen hammer levitated from a workbench and hovered across the room into Maya’s hand. “I do it all the time.”

Troy scoffed. “Show off.”

The two were locked in a stare down. It wasn’t clear who cracked first, but neither of them could keep a straight face for long. A gentle blue glow emitted from Maya’s siren marks. Troy’s smile dropped as he looked down to his left hand, noting the harsh red light of his own marks.

“You really didn’t know that would happen to Tannis, did you?” the blue haired woman asked softly.

“No,” he answered honestly. “I’m still trying to get a grip on everything myself.” All his life he’d been broken. His parents treated him as a burden, although they never said it outright. He was constantly sick and needed extra help when he struggled with the use of only one arm. And Tyreen never considered him an equal. Even as one of the twin gods, he wasn’t seen in the same light as the God Queen. And now that he knew he possessed siren power without knowing it, his whole outlook was in question. What did it mean? What other parts of himself remained untapped?

Maya said, “Even if it’s only half, you’re still a siren. It’s not an easy life. Sirens have always been feared, hunted, extorted… worshipped.” Troy met her blue-gray eyes for a moment, then redirected his gaze to the wall. “We’re just trying to find our place.”

Troy’s heart skipped a beat. We?

“Yeah,” he said in a voice just above a whisper. He snapped out of it and quipped, “But, you gotta admit. Life would sure be a lot easier if I could phaselock grapes into my mouth all day.”

Maya scrunched up her face and flung an empty can at Troy, who reflexively caught it in his mechanical hand with a metallic clang. He waved it, shook his head, and grinned at her.

“Nice catch, wise-ass. Now, get in the drop pod,” Maya teased.

That tiny thing? Troy had used porta-potties with more legroom than that. “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Troy groaned. The siren smiled wickedly as she held the hatch open and ushered him inside. He sighed knowing the ride back to Pandora would not be a comfortable one.

~~~

On a normal day, Ellie was a delight. Today was not a normal day considering her garage was used as solitary confinement for one of the most hated influencers in the galaxy. Maya recalled her saying, “He’s about as welcome as an outhouse breeze.” It took a while to convince the mechanic that her garage was just as she left it. Eventually, she cooled her boiling blood down to a simmer.

If Maya was being honest, she didn’t actually believe that Troy hadn’t messed with something. Call it a gut feeling. The same gut feeling that knew Ava would be a siren someday. The same gut feeling that told her to go talk to Troy just now. Her gut hadn’t lied to her yet so she didn’t question it. The ex-God King was absolutely still on thin ice, but she was willing to give him a chance. Maybe he just needed some guidance. Either that or he was a hopeless, cocky little shit.

Hydraulics hissed from the rising door as Maya entered the ship’s bridge. The orbital view of Pandora loomed outside the windows of Sanctuary’s observation deck. Crew members clacked away on keyboards at their posts. Lilith and Tannis stopped mid-conversation when they noticed Maya approaching.

“Troy’s on his way back to base,” Maya announced, slightly out of breath from rushing up three flights of stairs. “Cramer should be waiting for him when he lands. What did I miss?” she asked when she noticed neither of them would look her in the eye.

“Sorry I didn’t tell you about Tannis sooner. I decided the fewer people that knew about it, the better. These days, being a siren puts a target on your back,” Lilith apologized.

The revelation that the two of them were keeping Tannis’s siren powers a secret was shocking to say the least, but Maya wasn’t upset. She understood. Her own siren powers had been used by others to threaten an entire planet’s population. “I get it. I’m glad to have another siren on our side.” Maya smiled at the scientist, who awkwardly returned the gesture. It was cute when she made an effort.

“How are you, Tannis?” Maya asked.

“I'm fine. No need to fuss,” Tannis said. “It was actually interesting to experience the leech power first hand.”

Lilith knitted her brows. “Troy could have killed you. We still don’t know his intentions. Who knows what other abilities he’s hiding.”

Maya recalled the look of shock on Troy’s face while he held Tannis’s wrist, and the way he kept his distance from the two sirens afterwards as they processed what the hell just happened. After the conversation she’d just had with the Calypso, Maya felt the need to voice her opinion. “It seems like he doesn't understand his abilities either. I really don’t think he leeched Tannis on purpose.”

The commander was unconvinced. “Even if that’s true, we can’t underestimate what he’s capable of. This is still Troy Calypso.” Lilith stared out of the window at Pandora below. “For now, he’s useful to us. We’re going to need all the power we can get. It’s about time to make our move on the Holy Broadcast Center. There’s been a lot of activity lately. I’ve got a feeling something big is about to go down.”

Claptrap’s eardrum piercing voice called from the command console, “Incoming transmission!”

Speak of the devil. Maya’s heart sank as Tyreen’s smug face appeared on the overhead monitors. She was beginning to wonder if the COV had tapped their coms. Their timing was unusually coincidental.

“Hey, Lil!” the cult leader said in a singsong voice. “How’s life been as a non-siren normie human? Does it suck? I bet it sucks. Not gonna lie, these powers of yours are pretty sweet.” Lilith was seething. Tyreen had a knack for getting under her skin. The Calypso continued, “But hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. You know someone who knows all about my Firehawk upgrade. Just ask my brother.”

Damn. Word had finally reached her. Now Tyreen knew the Crimson Raiders were harboring her disowned twin.

“By the way, did that traitorous freak happen to mention the fact that he stole something from me? Can you believe it? Yoinked it right out from under me. I don’t want your grubby normie fingerprints on my stuff so if he shared it with you, I’m gonna need it back.”

Lilith calmly replied, “I assumed you’d know better since you were the one who dumped him in the middle of nowhere. He wasn’t exactly in any condition to exchange gifts when we found him. He’d been stripped and unarmed.”

Tyreen paused before shrieking with laughter. “She said unarmed! Please tell me you meant to make that pun.” She wiped a tear from her eye. “I needed that. No big deal. It’s a matter of time until I find it anyway. Well, I’ve got places to be. Big milestone event coming up. You’re gonna love it. Oh, and tell Troy I said hi before he runs outta juice and shrivels up. 'Kay? Laterz!” The Calypso winked before the feed was cut.

Maya’s fists tingled with the urge to meet that punchable face. She hollered back at the empty screen, “Troy will be the one kicking your door in, you cocky bitch!”

Claptrap said something about the video transmission’s crappy production value, but no one was listening. Lilith grit her teeth. “Using Troy was the plan, but that’s only if we can keep him alive long enough to get there.”

Maya squeezed her fists tighter, causing her fingernails to dig into her palms. Tyreen was always one step ahead of them. She couldn’t care less that her brother was in the Raider’s custody. Because of Troy’s dependence on her, she never even saw him as a threat.

Tannis chimed, “I have a theory, but you aren’t going to like it, Lilith.” All eyes turned to the scientist. “It is apparent that Troy cannot absorb the life force from living things through touch alone, with the exception of sirens. According to my experiments, it’s highly plausible that he can gain the same effect by ingesting it directly via anthropophagy or hematophagy.”

The room was silent apart from the humming of the spaceship. Maya blinked and said, “Tannis, no one understands you when you talk like that. In layman’s terms, please?”

Tannis sighed in disappointment but explained, “Troy should be able to regain energy from cannibalism or drinking blood.”

~~~

Sorry it took so long for an update. I’ve been working through a serious creative block. Showing my girl Maya some love in this part. This was a little shorter than usual, but I hope it was still entertaining. As always, thanks for reading my garbage! <3

#troy calypso #borderlands 3 #redemption #fanfic #fanfiction #Troy #calypso #au #in the shadow of starlight

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kittensinsocks24 · 5 years ago

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Spinel is one of the best examples of trauma and emotional parental figure abuse I’ve seen in media: an essay nobody asked for

As some may know, the television film special for Steven Universe, appropriately enough titled Steven Universe: The Movie premiered on Cartoon Network last night after being announced one year ago at SDCC. It was here where we would get our first glance at the villain of the film, who we would come to find out upon release is named Spinel.

I as well watched this stephen university moving picture show. And, despite my initial jokes about “this bendy-and-the-ink-machine lookin’ ass bubblegum bitch”, by the time the credits rolled I looked like a drowned cat, and had wept real tears of pain over this poor, poor strawberry shortcake clown infant. But why? Why was I openly sobbing over a literal one-braincell jester girl with the color palette of magenta printer ink? Then it hit me: Spinel is many things, but she is, most importantly, a great mirror. A mirror for me, and any and all other victims of being taken advantage of by somebody you trust, look up to, and admire, most often than not, parents.

TW: Spoilers below for Steven Universe: The Movie as well as discussion of abusive guardians, short mentions of physical abuse, and discussion of emotional manipulation

While it’s true that Spinel is self-proclaimed to have been Pink’s “best friend”, I feel that to a more obvious extent she is coded to have had a parental, one-sided-admiration relationship with Pink. This is confirmed to me by her obvious youthful, playful and childlike behavior in her original state, her clinginess to the person she respects, and most importantly, her unquestioning belief in Pink Diamond’s love and belief in her best interests, despite obvious signals otherwise to an outsider.

Let’s start at the beginning: Past Spinel is, self-described, “innocent, loving, .....stupid.” Spinel was created, metaphorically and physically, to keep Pink Diamond happy and entertained. Her default state was to naturally seek Pink’s approval, to earn her admiration and joy, similar to how most often a child’s first and prevailing desire is to earn their parent’s approval and love. Despite it not being Spinel’s fault that Pink decided to leave her there with the false hope of her returning, Spinel inherently blames her own naivety and desire for Pink’s love for her current predicament. Maybe if she hadn’t been so trusting, had questioned what Pink was making her do, she wouldn’t have been alone all those years. That’s a feeling I think most trauma victims have looking back at their past selves and childhood, something that further drew me to Spinel’s arc as a metaphor for such.

“And then she smiled, that’s what I’m after: the smile in her eyes, the sound of her laughter.”

This is a situation I believe most if not all children of emotionally and/or physically abusive parents can relate to. The tale of an abusive parental relationship often starts off with a parent either having a child they weren’t emotionally mature enough to raise, or, more relevant in Pink’s case, “having” a child for selfish reasons of personal entertainment, or to fill a void in their lives somehow, realizing only too late the independent personhood of their new “toy” outside of them.

I’ve seen some say that Spinel was understandably left behind because she is shown throughout to be “clingy” and “annoying”, but you know who else frequently has those traits? Children. Especially children before they emotionally mature like Spinel does after her revelation about Pink. I can assure you for a fact that I was a very annoying child. Does that make it right that my parent emotionally withdrew after I was no longer pleasing or entertaining to them? Does that make it right that they hit me? No.

When Pink first “had” Spinel it’s clear that she genuinely enjoyed her company. Most toxic relationships have this sort of “honeymoon” phase, a time before things were so bad that the victim will often wish to go back to, not unlike Spinel. Even though Pink’s later actions erase any goodwill towards Spinel and make it clear that even in joyful times she never really cared for her, as somebody scarred by trauma Spinel inherently longs to go back to these days even if Pink was not actually as happy or good as she remembers.

Later on, we as the audience, privy to more knowledge, can see that Pink has grown irritated/bored with Spinel. But Spinel, much like a child, isn’t aware of this. Spinel loves and is devoted to Pink, and if Pink is happy, she is happy for her. Her trust in Pink loving her back and unwavering confidence in her actions blinds her to what is coming next. “Every day was so much fun! At least.... that’s what I thought.....” She even is so confident that Pink loves her back that she is 100% positive Pink will take her along to Earth.

“I was so excited! A whole new place to play!”

Pink instructs Spinel to stay put in the garden and not follow her, lying straight to Spinel’s openly trusting face that this request is the start of a “game”. Spinel, again only seeking nothing but the love and admiration of her pseudo-parental figure/person she obviously admires, does so without question. In her mind so full of love and genuine belief that Pink would never do something wrong to her, she never even questions that this may not be a game, that Pink is seeking to dispose of her, or that Pink may not return. Spinel takes Pink fully at her word, and thus waits, and waits, for 6000 years.

At first, Spinel remains ever the optimist she always is, entrusting that despite the obvious gap in time that Pink, having her best interests in mind, will come back to love and play with her.

As literal years go by, we can see that despite her best efforts the wait for Pink to “come around” (physically, but also emotionally if we view this as a metaphor) has taken a toll on Spinel. She’s visibly weathered, with tired eyes and a weaker smile. However even though this is clearly not good for her she continues to believe that, yes, Pink does love her and would never hurt her! She will come back!

Worst of all, and something even more stinging when looked at through the lens of an abuse metaphor, is Spinel’s line during this part of the song:

“Happily wondering, night after night, is this how it works? Am I doing it right?”

Annnnnnd this is where the waterworks really burst for me, folks. Spinel has begun questioning Pink’s actions, but her continued belief that Pink, again, would only do the best for her makes it so Spinel has begun, to some extent, to blame herself for how long it’s taken for Pink to return. Spinel feels perhaps she did something to displease Pink, that she messed up their “game” somehow, and this is why Pink has not returned to love her. She must strive and continue to be the best at this “game” or she is to blame for Pink not wanting to play with her. It’s a powerfully impactful line, but even worse for any child who went through a similar trial-and-error, self-deprecating process of trying to earn their parent’s unachievable love through grades, performance, or going above-and-beyond in any other sort of field.

Spinel is so desperate to finally get Pink’s love “back” that even though it is straining her mentally and (albeit to a lesser extent) physically, she will continue to do whatever Pink asked and even doubt herself and her ability to do things right if it means even a sliver of potential attention down the line.

Then, Spinel has a watershed moment most every child of an abusive guardian will have: she realizes she’s been abused. Through Steven’s broadcast, Spinel indirectly learns two things: 1, Pink is dead, has been dead, and was never intending on coming back for her even after all of Spinel’s silent years of devotion and trust, and 2, Pink proceeded to give others the love and attention Spinel could never earn despite all she did immediately after moving on and leaving Spinel for dead.

It is in this moment that Spinel not only physically “snaps” and changes into her much more threatening form seen in Act 1, but that she also breaks.

Spinel entertained and loved Pink for who knows how long before she disappeared, and even in her absence and the absence of love and affection continued to trust and care for her, and Pink instead simply chose to devote herself to new people, a new place, without them even having to earn her like Spinel did? It’s more than unfair, it rocks Spinel’s worldview.

Emotionally, the revelation that the person she adored, loved, trusted and respected and that she naturally looked up to not only did not care for her but actively chose to love others and ignore her despite all the mentally-taxing devotion Spinel gave her is more than she can bear.

“You keep on turning pages, for people who don’t care, people who don’t care about you. And still it takes you ages to see that no one’s there, see that no one’s there, see that no one’s there. Everyone’s gone on without you.”

Spinel transforms, a transformation symbolic of the venom and bile of her trauma. Despite her cocky attitude and speech about her “new look” upon initially showing up with her injector, Spinel notably is not proud of her new form. She views herself as broken.

Scarred beyond repair by Pink’s abandonment and actions. Something too messed up and warped to love, unworthy of affection and friendship.

Traumatized.

I’ve never met another person traumatized by parental abuse who didn’t also feel like they were too far gone. A monster, transformed and shaped into something horrible by their abuser’s actions.

“All that stuff’s easy for you to say! When you change, you change for the better! When I change, I change for the WORSE! I used to just be not good enough, not good enough for Pink,- but NOW, I’m not GOOD AT ALL!”

~ ~ ~

“Spinel, you’ve met The Diamonds before, right?”

“Yeah, but.... (notably hesitant) they’ve never seen me like this.”

With Pink gone, Spinel has nobody direct to confront about her traumas. Without any better coping mechanisms, Spinel’s only desire is to lash out at somebody, anybody for her pain. She specifically chooses Earth and The Crystal Gems for having been the objects of the affection Pink never gave her, despite not actually having a personal relationship with them.

“Y’know, I came here to take my anger out on a bunch of strangers, [...]”

When I first wisened up to the fact that what my parent did wasn’t normal, wasn’t something I should have gone through as an innocent child, I lashed out at any and everybody I felt was involved in some way. My father for never being around when it happened, never stopping her when it did, never getting her help, never calling CPS. My brother for never having to deal with her wrath, for always raising the bar with his good grades, making it feel harder and harder to earn the love I felt like I had to have.

Spinel’s maladaptive way of handling the situation is an all-too-common chapter in the life of the abused, and something that further strengthens the connection her arc has to real life people in similar situations.

When Steven confronts her that this isn’t the way to handle things, Spinel doesn’t see any other way. She doesn’t feel like she can trust anybody again, and doesn’t feel herself worthy of love. During “Found”, she’s noticeably hesitant and even resistive to Steven’s assurance that she’ll find somebody who truly does love her one day, too scarred by Pink’s deception to open herself up to the idea of healing.

Even when she does, it’s notably a delicate process. After turning off the injector, her own insecurity and trust issues due to her traumatic incident leads her, without any real evidence, to assume that Steven and the Gems value her as little as Pink did. She is both afraid of what she has become, again feeling she is too traumatized to be accepted and loved, and also afraid that they will leave her as easily and quickly as her abuser.

After failing to ever earn Pink’s love fully and the physical and emotional transformation her trauma has had on her, Spinel doesn’t genuinely believe anybody could ever want her company ever again.

“I’m the source of all your problems. Don’t pretend you want me here. What’s your plan for me, huh? Ya gonna put me somewhere? Gonna - LEAVE me somewhere? Gonna LEAVE ME ALONE?”

However, after the emotional catharsis of lashing out, sharing her traumas with Steven, and then spiraling into another emotional rage over what happened to her, Spinel, having begun to process her trauma, realizes that her hurting those only vaguely, tangentially related to her abuser and situation will do nothing to heal the pain inside her, and, more importantly, realizes that doing this is only pushing people away from her and failing to allow herself to open up to loving again.

And, of course, this is via a breakdown complete with agony-driven laughter, because Rebecca loves rendering me bald and taking an icepick to my similarly traumatized heart.

“(cracking with emotion)....What am I doing? Why do I want to hurt you so bad? I’m supposed to be a friend. .....I just want to be a friend.”

As low of a point as this is for Spinel emotionally, it shows that she has begun the slow but ultimately fulfilling process of healing. This new path continues in her next scene, where she opens herself up to The Diamonds with Steven’s coaxing, despite the person who spurned her having been a Diamond herself (this also easily could be viewed as a metaphor for opening yourself up to trusting mentoring relationships again and finding a healthy new parental relationship in someone either non-blood-related or in other members of your family).

In probably the most heart-wrenching scene of the movie for me, as The Diamonds reprise their song about opening their hearts up to a new member of their family (this also furthers my argument of spinel = child figure to Pink, considering the last person the trio sung this to was Pink’s literal biological son), Spinel sings part of Found again, finally believing Steven’s statement that she will love again, as she connects and converses with people who genuinely like her despite all she’s been through and become.

Spinel learns and accepts, for the first time in the movie, that she is worthy of love, and is not too broken or changed by her trauma to receive it.

And so I cried like the winner of a horseradish paste eating contest.

In summary, to me, and I’m more than sure to other experiencers of childhood emotional and/or physical abuse at the hands of somebody they trusted, Spinel is one of the best media representations of the complex moods, highs and lows, and experiences of going through, repressing, and processing trauma. Not only that, but unlike some other characters I can think of, Spinel gets a hopeful ending. She’s not so warped and broken that the writers deemed her too far gone and thus only worthy of killing off. No. Spinel is a trauma victim who goes through a dark period of coping in negative ways, but then comes out the other side ready to open herself back up to the idea of healing and moving on from her trauma and abuser. Despite all her baggage and scars, the movie assures us Spinel is just as worthy of a happy ending as any other person.

And I don’t think I’m alone in saying that if MY pained ass at the beginning of my traumatic processing years ago had seen that I could, that I CAN be okay despite it, that it would have meant so much to me.

And even though I’m still still learning to love again myself, I think deep down all victims hope we can become our own Spinel someday.

Somewhere.

Somehow.

We’ll love again.

TL;DR Rebecca Sugar wrote one of the best arcs about abuse on television ever and its star was a rubberhose baby who sounds like Betty Boop and whos shoes make the spongebob walk cycle noise sample and thats why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

#su #su the movie #su the movie spoilers #su spinel #media essay #essay #parental abuse #abusive relationships #toxic relationships #su movie #su movie spoilers #rebecca sugar

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dramionediscussion · 4 years ago

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I am bit a skeptical that The Cursed Child was just a cash grab for JKR. Not because I have much or any affection towards either the author or the piece. I believe for her retinue of publishers and producers it most certainly was first and foremost a cash grab, a sure hit and a cash cow for years to come. Yet, I don't believe that was the primary or even secondary motivation for JKR herself. If she was mostly concerned with money, then why not go with the most lucrative option and just make a movie instead of a play? Warner Brothers most certainly would've been game, and it would've been orders of magnitude more cash for everybody.

High-end theatre isn't exactly art for art's sake, but a billion dollar industry by its own right. She certainly didn't just wet her beak a little, but took a nice long bath. In either case she would've made like bandit, and I am not disputing that. That being said, for her to choose to do a play instead of a movie is highly likely a substantial pay-cut. It isn't her first rodeo either, and very likely she has a conference room full of people managing her assets, properties, contracts and financial prospects, so I doubt it was a lack of awareness of these possibilities and revenue projections either.

CC movie probably wouldn't have been Deathly Hallows part 3, but quite likely higher than Fantastic Beasts, which is a spin-off after all. Gross revenue for The Cursed Child is $174 million so far (for the theater production. Book sales would've probably been pretty comparable regardless of it being based on a movie or play), and $814 million for the first Fantastic Beasts movie (which is the most comparable entry to possible CC movie at that time and place).

My estimates for total costs of making these are around $40-80 million for CC. It has been performed 783 times so far, mainly on Broadway and West End. Operating costs for one week for premier Broadway shows are around $400,000 to $800,000 and typical schedule has 8 performances per week, average costs per performance are something like $50,000-100,000. Total budget for CC for those entire 783 times would be something like $39,150,000 to $78,300,000. I don't think marketing is added to operating expenses, and I am not sure how much Broadway shows are marketed. However, it probably is infinitesimal compared to what it costs to market a movie. Something like this is quite likely going to be more on the expensive side of these productions, thus probably something like $60-80 million is not too far off, making return on investment be somewhere around $94,056,581 (117.57%) or $114,056,581 (190%).

Costs for Fantastic Beasts are about $350 million ($175 million for the production budget, a rough rule of thumb for Hollywood movies of that scale is that marketing and distribution is at least the same as the budget). A crude estimate for the investment gain for studio is $464,037,575 and return on investment is 132.58%. High-end theater shows can run for decades, thus in certain rare instances they have considerable long-term advantages over movie theaters. However, this has been just about theater revenue so far, and Broadway shows do not have similar opportunities in a home-retail market by means of streaming, DVDs, Blu-rays, broadcasting rights, etc. Also, movies are so much easier to merchandise (is there even specifically CC merchandise out there?). Unfortunately, there are no good publicly available data aggregators for any of this, unlike theater revenue, so its up into air, how much Fantastic Beasts has made in total. There are all kind of estimates out there, and usually for blockbusters it's somewhere between 20-100 % of gross theater revenue. So perhaps added anything from $92 million to $464 million, probably on the lower side as undoubtedly this is one of those in which interests has waned as time has gone on. Let's say, at least another hundred million to the pot with roughly similar ROI.

So, we are talking about something like $550,000,000 profits for FB contra $100,000,000 for CC. It's hard to say how much she gets from any of this (contracts are multilayered and often complex for high profile authors like herself, and quite individualized, and above all else very private). If we assume it's some percentage of total net profits, it probably isn't far off to say, that she would've made at least 5x more by doing CC movie, probably more. There has to be other factors involved in her decision, besides just making money.

I don't really know what motivates her, or why she did what she did. I don't even think it's possible to know something like that, with the information available to us. As in trying to psychoanalyze someone like her from afar. Especially when all the knowledge out there is filtered through a very distorted lens of mass-culture and mass-media*, thus I am just speculating as much as anybody else. I mean, it could've been mostly or all about the money after all. My calculations and estimates might be wrong, or she had false information at the time or lacked information about it all together, or decided not to consider any of it. People behave in unpredictive or irrational ways all the time. Despite all this, speculating and discussing is often quite enjoyable just for its own sake, even if its not solidly based on anything, or even verifiable, so I am going to offer my own take on why JKR signed up for The Cursed Child.

I believe it was more about the prestige and excitement, and perhaps vanity which goes along with getting her work and herself involved into the high-end theatre world like Broadway and West End. Maybe just the novelty was a component as well, and the involvement in more intimate and scaled down project instead of Hollywood mass-spectacle, and perhaps for her something more artistic and less-commercialized (tbh, not that I see that much difference between Broadway / West End and Hollywood in terms on artistic expression or commercialization. Their main target demographics just have different social classes, but I would be surprised if she shared this viewpoint).

I doubt, she truly cared about the product itself, or how well it fit or complemented her own oeuvre (CC seemed more to undermine her previous works, rather than add anything substantial to it). It was probably more about being involved in that scene and all what goes along with that, rather than the work itself. Maybe she was burn-out about HP, and that was her best avenue into that world with lowest possible risks and effort (not necessarily just the amount of work exactly, but rather the pressure). I mean, she would have means to finance her own non-HP Broadway show, but for something like that she'd probably would have to front more money than she's willing to risk, and I don't think it's even 100% guarantee that industry would cooperate with something like that, even if she herself was a major backer (it's hard to say what that pre-production phase entails. it's not exactly public knowledge what goes into those negotiations and pre-planning and financing).

Although, it might also be possible that she's more one of those writers who always is just writing for the current story she's working at the moment. And she isn't willing or capable of considering any long-term integrity, consistency or effects her current project might have to her overall works or the universe she has created. It might be just something she doesn't value or be much concerned about with contra how well something fits to the story she's currently working on. Maybe CC was just the book her luck run out and it truly caught up with her. It's not like CC is unique exception in this regard.

*Or a culture-industry, or cultural hegemony, or power-knowledge, or structural power relations, or soft power, or cathedral, or consensus manufacturing propaganda model. Whatever one wants to call the process or phenomenon of how knowledge is produced and disseminated in a complex society such as ours.

Edit: Wow! This is a good take on things. I think she should have made the other writer try to keep things as canon as possible really. But then again she herself has changed canon after the main series was completed.

- Lisa

#dramione #submission

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