#I go back to the dentist tomorrow though and I'm SURE I'm gonna need more work done though and who knows how much that will run me...

[iero]

Speaking of tattoos, I'm TRYING to talk myself out of getting a new tattoo when I go back to Pittsburgh in a month... On one hand, it's like therapy to me. On the other hand, I'm trying to save money...

[athene-studies]

k havin some trouble keeping out of The Ennui this past while and i realized i had 7 core values listed on my blog (listed on the little explore thing on my desktop theme as "live life on purpose • step off the path of least resistance • take care of myself • contribute to the community • get things done • always learn • appreciate beauty") sooo score thats a weekly challenge right there.

im just gonna start tomorrow (its the night of the 5th as i post this) since im lucky and my week isnt bounded by things like "weekdays". lets do them in order!

6. Tue - live life on purpose: to keep myself mindful I'm going to write down what I've done after every half hour of my day, plus im gonna plan out a couple things at certain points of the day and attempt to stick to those plans 7. Wed - dont get dragged back into my comfort zone: i do have a dentist appointment that day, but im going to also go to the library while im out, which ive been trying to do for a while but just never felt right. im going to wear a cute but maybe a bit weird outfit, and whenever i have an urge to do something (i should go read, i should cut up and eat an apple), im going to do it instead of succumbing to the Nah. ...also this isnt relevant to the daily challenge but i do need to pick up a prescription so im going to try to remember that 8. Thur - take care of myself: im going to try to do all of my self-care habits ive set up. most of them i do once in a while, but i havent managed to do all of them at once in a few weeks. so that means doing my workout, brushing my teeth, turning my phone off at 1 and reading instead for bedtime, making sure my laundry is put away... etc. this one's only a small part of the day but i guess that means its a good chance to rest lol 9. Fri - help others: its a terrible time of year to do things like volunteering, plus short notice, so im going to focus on chores around the house and donations and home political action, that sort of thing. maybe text my siblings to find out how theyre doing. 10. Sat - get shit done: i mean what else is there to say. at the beginning of my day im going to write down a list of things to get done (attempting to include things that are low on my priority list so just keep repeatedly getting pushed back, like calling my grandpa and working on a video edit) and see how much of it i can do. the slogan for the day is gonna be "if i think to myself 'yknow i could go do this thing' i fucking will" 11. Sun - learn: hopefully the rest of the week will have caught me up on my accounting course, but if not, id like to do that. after that, though, id like to set aside some time to read articles on things i care about but dont know much about, and do a lesson or two of language learning or coding or something. learning at my own pace isnt going very well so far considering "my own pace" is ✨stagnancy✨ 12. Mon - appreciate the world: not much else to note other than looking around myself more often. im pretty good at this one already. lets use it to mean "do hobbies"-- take an hour to do some writing, take an hour to do some music, drink a tea ive been keeping aside for a special occasion, idk

and i will let you know how that goes :)

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Thursday 20th July 2023, 01.34am

I am feeling okay enough right now to write to you, to finally reply to you properly anyway. I've really missed being able to just do that.

Don't worry about your internet being shitty and going out and therefore not being able to stream, I figured there may have been some kind of issue or maybe you just weren't feeling up to it when I didn't see your name pop up on twitch. It's okay, I get it. I hope it's fixed now though and you can use the internet again at the very least.

I really did like how you handwrote me a note for my birthday. It's really personal, I love small gestures like that so much. And thank you for saying I looked beautiful in my outfits, I really liked them. And those cowboy boots are absolutely coming with me to London next month. I've got some ideas of some cool outfits I'm gonna wear while I'm down there. Because weirdly being in a big city like that makes me wanna look cool, probably because there's more people or something lol. Or maybe it's just because I feel like I can be more myself there than in my shitty little town. Who knows. And no, they didn't give me my tiara on a satin pillow, although I wish they had now you've mentioned it haha. I cannot BELIEVE you've never had Biscoff anything, E. I am truly and completely OFFENDED lol. Not really, but it's so bloody good, you have to try it! I love Biscoff milkshakes too, ughhhh so good! I do get what you mean about the too much sugar thing. I actually have to go to the dentist tomorrow morning cause I've cracked a tooth and it's really sensitive. Luckily it's one in the back, so it's not noticeable at all.

I really do feel like he was around me on my birthday. I kept just getting that like.. feeling? Idk if that makes sense. But I just felt his presence and it was comforting. I like when I feel like he's nearby me. It doesn't hurt as much during those times.

I really do hope you are starting to feel a bit less brain foggy and a little better now. I'm really sorry you've been feeling like that. I know how horrible and shitty that can be, cause I've been there. But I am so fucking proud of you for doing those little small things to change your habits. And yes you're right, don't force them. Because you really are less likely to actually make any significant or proper changes that you'll stick to if you force it. Small changes and taking things one step at a time is absolutely the right way to go about it and I'm so happy that you know that too. I totally get it with the sleep too, I've been feeling a lot like that recently as well. It's probably been stress on my part but I can absolutely relate to it. But please don't ever feel like you've failed. Because you're not a failure, you never will be. You're human and we sometimes go through rough patches and make mistakes, that's just completely normal and all part of the human experience. It's how we learn from those mistakes and get through those hard times that really show our strengths and I know you are absolutely full of those. You have so many strengths that I'm not sure you even know about yourself, E. You're totally right in doing things when you're awake and not limiting yourself because oh it's late or oh it's early or whatever. Obviously I get you don't wanna be noisy or whatever at night, but there's always ways of working around things like that and doing what you can even if it is late at night. I've definitely been there myself (sometimes recently too where I haven't been able to sleep at all, so instead of just laying in bed and ruminating on my thoughts, I'll get up and do something. Even if it's just washing the dishes from the night before or folding some laundry or sorting through some things or something like that.

I really do hope you managed to get your doctor's appointments sorted out though, because you're right, those are really important and I know I definitely don't want you to miss those or not get the help you need and end up sick or in pain. I'm sure you don't too, you know what I mean (hopefully). I just care about you a whole lot and want you to be safe and well and as healthy and happy as possible.

I totally get the feeling like streaming is a chore when you're brain foggy or got some stuff going on. It's partially why I stopped streaming. I really should pick it back up at some point, I wasn't far from having 200 followers and I really enjoyed doing it actually. I think I prefer playing games with people on stream however, because I sometimes don't know what to say when no one's there or no ones talking in the chat lol. I do miss it, because it is fun, maybe I'll do a little one off stream one day. I'll let you know if I do, it'd be nice to see you there if you weren't busy on that day. Doing all the alerts and stuff was probably one of my favourite parts of streaming. I really enjoyed all that and even had an old friend I went to music college with make me some custom alerts. I think I still have them all saved on my OBS and stuff. I will say, I did go back to see your vod the other day but it's gone I think. Idk, I just kinda.. missed your voice. Whatever game you play on stream, it'll be fun. I know it will. I can't wait for more tentacleman and cyberpunk, when you're ready to of course. Please don't rush yourself or force yourself if you're not feeling up to it. I can wait, I'll always wait. Beach House are amazing. I do love them myself. Space Song is my all time favourite song too.

Last Wednesday was incredibly hard. It was such a difficult day for me. At one point I nearly just crumbled to the ground. I did read your post that evening when I got home. And I'm so thankful you posted it/were thinking of me at the time it was all happening. I really really am so grateful and God.. it just really fucking made my heart grow ten times. I really liked it, it made me feel all.. fuzzy or something. Your post really did help me too. I've been reading it over and over again. But's been so hard, E. Doing everything myself for dad. I've had no help from my mum or anyone really. Infact, my mum hasn't spoke to me since her birthday which was 4/5 days before the funeral. She didn't even text me to say she hoped things went well. I think you can see why I'm not really talking to her right now. My friend Sophie came to my dad's funeral with me which I was really grateful. She held my hand the whole way through and kept telling me how well I was doing and how he'd be so proud of me. I really hope he is. I still don't feel like it's real. I feel like it's all a bad dream and I just can't wake up from it. I keep looking at the order of service and the pictures and all his things sitting in my spare bedroom and I just keep thinking to myself "what the fuck?". I think now that everything is said and done, all the formalities are done and (most of) the paperwork and legal stuff is done and now it's all just like.. final.. it's still not sunk in. I still cannot believe that I won't ever hear my dad picking up the phone and saying "Hiya gorgeous" or how he'd always give me a kiss down the phone after saying goodbye before he hung up. My grief is sitting so heavy within me and I am trying so hard to not let it destroy me, but sometimes it's just so hard. I miss him so fucking much. I'll miss him for the rest of my life. I want to live my life for him and have a good one, because that's all he said that he wanted for me. He just wanted me to be happy and have a good life. But I know I'll always be missing a huge part of me, because he won't be there. He's the one person who was always there, no matter what, no matter if we'd argued or fallen out or whatever, if I needed him he was there. He's the one person who's never up and left and never came back. And now he's gone. He's been snatched away from me in such a cruel way and my heart hurts so much when I think of it all. I'm trying so hard to keep going, I really am, but everything just feels so... Hard right now. I'm desperately trying to look forward to going to see Joji next month in London and the little long weekend I have planned down there (I still don't know what I'm doing really apart from the concert, but I may just wing it). I know he would want me to go and enjoy myself and have fun, he wouldn't want me not to go or not to enjoy myself. Like I said, he just wanted me to have a good life and I want to do things for him, if not for myself.

I go back to work next Monday, I was supposed to go back this week and I did technically but.. I think I went back too soon. So I think after this week, I'll be in a much better space mentally to go back. I just need to rest and take time for me, try and process some of all that's happened, at least a little bit. I really hope this letter finds you well, I know it's a little long but I hope it wasn't too much of a boring or long read. I really can't wait to hear from you again soon, E.

I'm gonna put the video of all the bikes that showed up for my dad on the day. It really overwhelmed me, but in a good way. I thought I'd only have 3 or 4. But nope. A tonne showed up. And I have a couple of mine and my dad's friend's to thank for that. I hope you don't think it's weird or strange or anything.. I just.. idk it was nice to see how many people cared about my dad. I'll also show you the flowers. I organised them myself and chose them all. I thought they were really pretty. I'll also show you my nails I had especially done, with his initial and his favourite colour. We all wore yellow for him on the day too.

"But I miss you more each day you're not with me, and just know when I sleep that I'm dreaming of the only place I wanna be.."

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3374

i woke up today at like 10:26 feeling great! catalogued how i felt and immediately fell back asleep.

woke up around 11:something to a phone call, which was from my therapist, so i woke up for that. talked to her about the con plague i'm suffering from as well as a friend i need to set boundaries with. she helped me think about the situation and equipped me with knowledge i did not previously have so i can do a better job when i need to reinforce those boundaries i once set a while ago. but so far, im okay.

unfortunately, when i got up out of bed i did not feel as good as i thought i did. but i did shower today, which was beneficial. helps to be clean.

i gotta wash some laundry tomorrow. my comfy stuff is dirty.

anyway, i had soup for lunch and came back upstairs and napped for a while. i've been trying to tell my mom to stop doing things and to actually rest, because she's sick, but she hasn't been listening to me a lot and is doing stuff anyway. so i think today she finally caved. she was supposed to go to the dentist thursday. she called and told them, and they rescheduled for her. she napped today. she's the type of person to power through an illness and by doing so makes it last six times longer than it should. so i'm trying to get her to stay down for more than a day or two because getting better is not something you can simply will your body to do when you have an autoimmune deficiency. lady's got lupus for god's sake. just stop, ma. stop. go back to bed. sleep. she doesn't sleep well, either, so that sucks too.

the good news is that i see what she's doing even though nobody else does. and i know what she needs to be doing because i'm 31 years old and basically have her immune system, plus i've been around her for three decades. so like, mom. you gotta stop running yourself into the ground. you'll get sickER, and then you'll STAY sick. which is the last thing you want. she hates being sick but she gets sick and stays sick for a long time because of her habits.

but i'm pushy with her when she gets sick. "go back to bed. now." "call the dentist and reschedule. they're not gonna wanna see you if you're sick." "get someone else to take her. you're SICK." constantly reminding her that she is, in fact, sick is something that she needs because she says shit like "i'll be better tomorrow morning," or "i'll be better in two days."

yes manifesting is one thing and the power of will of a human is another thing, but healing from illnesses is something entirely different. dad gave you a blessing? okay, so are you gonna help yourself by going to the doctor, or are you gonna rely on sky daddy to fix it?

so that's what i've been dealing with on top of trying to feel better.

my sister is also sick. but mom got sick before i came home, so i didn't give con plague to her. i probably gave it to my sister, though, even though she avoided me. her symptoms sound like mine. but i have health insurance. it's too risky in this country to not have health insurance. i hate this place. i'm gonna fuckin file for medicaid for the two of them. they need insurance. if something happens to james, then what, huh?? goddamn.

i may be reckless and a dumbass, but i have the sense to have health insurance to help me take care of the consequences of my dumbassery.

sigh. didn't really mean for this to turn into a rant about health.

but seriously, guys. whoever is reading this, make sure you've got health insurance and that you take steps to help yourself. if you live in the US, it's FAR too dangerous to live without insurance. medicaid is low-cost or doesn't cost you a dime. you can get doctors appointments, dentistry, glasses, specialists, physical therapy, and mental health therapy, along with medications to help you if something ever does happen. local state governments have their own applications, but if you search on the page for the department of health and human services (DHHS), you should be able to find links and stuff to access it.

if you don't qualify for medicaid because you make too much, the healthcare marketplace will often give discounts so insurance is only $10 a month or something. it really depends. i have to fix my application tomorrow because my medicaid ended today. having both was a good cover just in case it got ended because of my new job, but now that it's just the one, i gotta change it and hopefully they'll change my monthly premium.

anyway.

get health insurance!!

for those who live in single-payer systems, what is your favorite part about it? besides the fact that you don't have to ridiculous bullshit of american insurance lmao

also yeah, i still feel shitty. not as shitty as before, but still not great. my head is still fuzzy and thinking is hard. which isn't fun. but i'll be taking mucinex sinus day stuff with me so i can take it and function at work when i go in on wednesday. i can't afford to not go in. womp womp.

anyway. i didn't get to talk to joel today, but that's mostly because i was completely out of it for like 80% of the day.

and my hair is weird so i need to get it fixed but i don't want to cut it because i want to grow it out again, but i hate leaving it this awkward length. bleh.

i could use a thousand-dollar trip to the mall or barnes and noble. or both. they're right across the street from each other anyway.

[poor-sickies]

hey I'm the anon who asked for braces Lance, i was thinking maybe he had to get when he's like nineteen and feels kinda upset about having them so late when usually people get them in middle or high school? And idk he just feels self conscious and uncomfortable, plus he's hurting, so Keith tries to distract him because he went through having braces too?

Ahh this is such an old request and I’m so sorry I’m only writing it now! It was kind of a quick thing, so I hope there aren’t any mistakes. It’s also a fic that happens in my band AU. I hope you like it!

Also kudos to @cinquefoilelove who left some replies that gave me ideas for this one :)

*

“Can I come in?”

It’s Keith voice from the other side of the door, and despite their usual and familiar bickering, Lance can be sure he hasn’t come to make fun of him.

But he still wants to be alone.

He knows he’s probably making a big deal out of this – and really, it’s not even that bad, all things considered. All in all, it’s nothing worse than a simple teenage drama, in Lance’s opinion.

Except he isn’t really a teenager anymore, he’s nineteen, and nineteen year olds shouldn’t be getting braces.

It had started with some dull pains in his lower jaw, the joint clicking each time he opened his mouth, getting worse and worse until he was avoiding eating and singing because of the discomfort.

While visiting his family on Thanksgiving, his parents had noticed the problem and dragged him to a dentist. The outcome was…not pleasant. Something about a bad positioning of his jaw that needed to be fixed? Lance can’t recall the details over the dread filling his stomach, but the only solution was braces, and he was not happy.

And just because some days just kept getting worse, this morning, on his way to the dentist, he receives a call from Hunk, about a last-minute scheduled show Allura had got for them tonight, at the local University bar.

Two hours later, returning from the dentist, and he’s starting to wonder if he’s brave enough to go through with the show at all.

Just talking feels difficult enough, with all the wires and foreign pieces muddling his speech, and the new sores around his cheeks and tongue stinging at every little movement of his mouth. Not to mention the annoying and constant pressure all over his gums and jaw. If Lance had the night to himself, he would probably head to bed right after dinner with a couple of painkillers and hope it all felt a little better tomorrow.

The prospect of singing for fifty people isn’t nearly as appealing as usual when he’s in this much pain.

And looking in the mirror only reminded him of why this all had bothered him so much in the first place.

It’s no secret to anyone that Lance puts a lot of effort in his appearance. Even before stepping up as frontman of the band, his image has always been something he pays a lot of attention to. And even though he’s seen a lot of cute girls that look adorable in braces, he’s wasn’t exactly confident about how it all would look on him.

Now that he has the answer, he feels an urge to hide any mirror in sight.

How is he supposed to talk to his fans? To sing for them? He feels so unattractive and awkward, and not even his upbeat personality will help. Lance’s confidence is enough when he’s wearing his best shirts, glowing skin, crooked smirk that leaves the girls swooning, but that’s where most of it comes from.

He doesn’t care if his mother said he looked fine, these braces make him feel awkward and young all over again. He doesn’t know if he’s more embarrassed about the way he looks or the extent to which he’s taking this drama, but either way, he wants to be alone.

So no, the last thing he wants to do is to talk, even with Keith.

“I wanna be alone.”

But Keith was nothing if not persistent. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself and open the damn door.”

And brutally honest, for that matter.

Lance opens the door and Keith goes in, quickly taking a seat on the edge of the bed, his arms crossed against his chest.

“So,” he starts, “you wanna talk about it?”

Lance sits cross legged in the floor, leaning against the bed. “You just told me to stop feeling sorry for myself.”

Keith is caught off guard for a moment. He was expecting Lance to just spill things out, like he usually did, but apparently, this was getting to him a bit more than usual.

“I- look, I’m just trying to help, okay? Talking usually makes you feel better, right? So talk to me.”

“It’s uncomfortable,” Lance sighs, looking down at his lap, “and my speech is all fucked up, and my tongue is cut up all over, and my teeth hurt and - it looks bad. I look like a middle school kid. It just looks so awkward…so yeah, that’s it. You happy now?”

“I think you’re being dramatic,” Keith says, “I mean, I get the pain, I’ve been there - your teeth are moving, of course it’s gonna hurt for a while - but you don’t need to feel self-conscious about it. Besides, you’re only wearing them for like… a year, is it?” Lance nods, looking down, and Keith carries on. “Try wearing them for three years, maybe then you’ll have a reason to sulk.”

Well. It’s nothing he hadn’t expected from Keith. Trust Keith to be blunt.

“You had braces for that long?” He manages to ask.

Keith nods, eyes rolling involuntarily at the unpleasant memories. “Yeah. It sucked. I’d show you pictures if I had them - I’m sure you’d feel a lot better about yourself after seeing them.”

“That bad?”

“Oh yeah,” Keith continues, “Yours look somewhat discrete, actually.”

Lance scoffs. “Yeah, they sure are really invisible,” he trails off sarcastically.

Keith sighs. This isn’t working so well.

“Do you remember last summer when you were drunk and Pidge convinced you to get a death hawk for that rock festival, and you shaved half of your head?”

“Wow Keith, is that how you’re trying to make me feel better? By bringing up all the times I looked freaking terrible?”

“Would you just hear me out?!” Keith interrupts loudly, clinging to every last ounce of patience he still has. “Do you remember what you said at the time? The next day, when you saw yourself in the mirror?”

“That I would hide in my room and never see the sunlight again…?”

“Exactly. But you got over it. Do you remember why?”

Lance rolls his eyes. “Uh, cause… hair grows back?”

“No. Because you get used to it,” Keith says, “look, I’ve been there, okay? I know how much it sucks. But I can promise you, it’s not always gonna feel like that. And honestly, people don’t care that much.”

“Ugh. I hate it when you actually sound reasonable.” Lance sighs. “Alright. I’ll try to keep positive. And hope the show doesn’t go terribly.”

Keith chuckles with a fond smile. “Now will you come? We still have to get some dinner before.”

“Ah, that’s gonna be fun..” Lance rolls his eyes, and gets up. “Let’s get moving.”

*

“Hm. I see you’ve added something,” Shiro says as Lance takes a seat beside him, at their usual table at the bar.

“Yeah,” Lance chuckles, still looking down, “lucky me.”

“Oh Lance,” Allura says, “you have such a nice smile. I’m certain that’s what people notice right away.”

“I - thanks, Allura,” Lance blushes, feeling better for the first time since the day started.

“So, we were talking,” Pidge says, “and we agreed that if you’re not feeling up to it, Keith can do the vocals for most of the songs and hand you the guitar for a while.”

Keith nods, fingers still busy tuning the strings on his guitar.

“My voice is working fine,” Lance explains, “I can still do it.”

“Yeah, but we know it’s not comfortable yet, so just let us know if you need to stop, okay? And maybe take a painkiller.” Hunk reassures, giving a gentle squeeze to Lance’s forearm.

“The show starts in half an hour, we should probably have dinner now,” Shiro points out.

“Oh good, they have those amazing burritos, I’ll be set for the night!” Hunk grins, before calling the waiter.

“Ugh, guess I’ll order some water then,” Lance grumbles, rubbing his cheek, “ice cold.”

“Aw, buddy,” Hunk looks over at him, placing a hand on his shoulder, “you should really eat something before the show…did you even eat lunch?”

The waiter stops at the table and starts taking note of Keith and Pidge’s orders.

“Maybe some scrambled eggs?” Shiro suggests, leaning closer. He then turns to the waiter, “make them soft.”

Lance manages to eat, slowly and carefully. The painkiller starts kicking in, and the pain isn’t as bad, but talking is still uncomfortable, and he really doesn’t want to imagine how singing will turn out. The thought gives him some unusual stage fright, and it’s not a sensation he likes. He puts down his fork, and tries to relax. He’s done this dozens of times. Why is he so anxious now? The stage is usually his happy place, and it really sucks that such a tiny problem is making him feel like this.

“Hey, Lance,” Pidge calls out, tapping his shoulder. “Calm down. Your leg is bouncing like crazy.”

“I – yeah. Sorry Pidge.”

“Oh, I think we have to go now. The stage is set up,” Shiro announces, and they all get up, walking to the back to get ready.

“It’s okay, Lance,” Pidge says, plugging her bass to the amplificator, slinging the strap around her neck. “It’s gonna be fine. You’re an amazing singer. How terrible can you be? And why does it matter if it doesn’t go well? I mean, we’ve done tons of great shows, it’s not a huge deal if this one doesn’t go that great. Just relax and have fun, like you always do. That’s usually what makes our songs great.” She argues. “Besides,” she lowers her voice with a sly smile, “this place doesn’t have amazing acoustics. So even if you mess up some words, the crowd will most likely not notice. You’ll be great.”

That’s some kid of security Lance can lean on. He trusts his bandmates. This is not some new situation. He just needs to relax and have fun. Feeling revigorated, he nods. “Thanks, Pidge. Let’s do this.”

[todanceistodream-blog]

On a train to the dentist I was sat opposite to two mothers, without really going into too much into detail about the mothers as beyond what you see on the exterior you really have no idea. One of them was white, the other a very beautiful reflection of modern Islam.

The moment that got me smiling was the 4-5 year old girl, maybe younger, who at some point got off her seat and started marching towards the train door and insisting on it with her finger with a deadly serious look on her face. They were apparently 2 stops early but thinking about it all got me giggling. She wasn't exactly grumpy either (or was she) as she played with her friend but thinking about it made me realise just how open kids really are, and it is us and the world who teach them to hate and all that other delightful stuff.

Both the mothers and kids knew each other from before, but it got me just thinking about the future and whats possible if many start giving eachother human respect they deserve. Surely its the least we can do to start overcoming dishonesty and the pain of those in countries less fortunate than ours. Those that realise they don't want certain people continue ruling over bits of this world, be it a bar or a country, in a way that would make anybody feel unsafe.

I know its wishful thinking, but..

The one that had me think further on how far we've all come and yet to go was when the other mother's child was hoping to get a cuddle by sticking his hands in the air and trying to climb on top of her. Initially I thought she was going to but then sat him down all sensible in the seat next to her, which could've happened for a million reasons, but its fun to wonder.

Finding out the truth about people is one thing, but preparing yourself for moments where you can really help the people that surround you the right way, no matter where they've come from or what they've done is something, is something completely different.

As time goes I'll continue speaking to people in what will be increasingly accessible spaces which can then focus on promotion to the world and getting incredibly inspiring music into Kyiv at such a pivotal moment in its history. For people who will try their hardest to speak their mind as honestly as it comes, and others around who will be able to support that honesty with their own, for hopes of a stronger world.

Full anonymity will have to be ensured in many moments (all the extra measures for those that need them) because I know there are many more people out there who will be speaking about things that much (probably) of the world would rather we don't.

Yesterday I finally returned to Stour Space after many months of distancing myself from it and everyone there (because I simply wasn't ready, will talk more about this later) in hopes of speaking to people I had found the last time I was there, and just to be heard by people who actually listen and already know where the world is headed.

The person I did end up speaking to came out of the blue and also happened to be the first person that I ever spoke to when I came to Stour Space, showed me around, and made me feel a kind of safe different to everywhere I had been before. There were other places in the past that you'd also hope to be that and in a lot of ways were that, but were simply organised by people a kind of dishonest with themselves that affected how honest they would be with you.

A fair bit of awkwardness ensued and head went racing. To think I nearly left at some point to come back tomorrow because that voice really was definitely trying, but ended up just calming down and writing finishing a witness statement by the canal and sunshine for about 2 hours. Was quite a ride but pulled through.

The one I wrote the day before was a much more personal statement about just what happened working at this bar, and why it shouldn't ever have happened in the first place. Personally a first for me but such situations aren't going to continue so I'm staying strong.

It all changes from this moment, and all those difficult situations before happened so that I could truly understand now why it is so important that I continue trusting my gut. After all those other people and places who dismissed me, many who simply would rather shun and shame instead of support, and for all those people who just aren't in a position to do it themselves.

I'm not gonna name any other names here or in the future but know that I've been all over London and even though it has been exhausting its the fact that in it was actually empowering me, little by little.

It got to a point where I was feeling strong enough to discover Stour Space about 6 months ago. I walked in and something only really possible with the idealising I'll never let go of. Even though it got me into all sorts of bad places before I never stopped believing it would get me to people and places the kind of good I've been daydreaming about for a very long time.

What I will be doing is posting both of the witness statements (exactly as they will be seen in court, if it comes to that) a little after I've spoken to the good people from See It From Her (link below) which isn't to say that I'll change my mind or what I wrote but I'm just not ready to share that here. There might be nobody reading now or for a while but it's what feels right and that's a feeling that when respected has gotten me further than I could've ever imagined.

Before writing them I knew that I'd want them to be public just because of how clear the harassment was (on top of many other things) how I felt about it, and I knowing that this situation needed me to be a kind of ready that I'm not letting overwhelm me. I know I might have to go to very serious lengths but See It From Her will be there to support me through the process when I feel ready to proceed.

It's the fact that this is something far bigger than me or this bar and I'm not letting them get away with breaking a law that is almost 9 years old now. It is a very good establishment with a lot of growth on the way, but first it has to first get with the times or people will eventually think twice about who is creating their experiences.

Sincerely believe they are a very good future of bars, only if they have as much passion for it (or money, haha) that will encourage them to do everything that needs to be done to make their bar(s) safe.

Thank you for getting this far, no matter how long it took. Whether you believe it now or not we're going to figure this all out together <3

https://www.seeitfromher.com

See It From Her + (SIFH+) is a project that supports women and those who feel oppressed because of their gender identity, to have a voice and be heard through photography and image.

SIFH+ is exclusively run by, and supports all women (trans, intersex and cis) non-binary, agender and gender variant people

-GF-