living-d3ad-gh0ul

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

31st December 2024, 10.26am

Hey E,

I’m so sorry I didn’t write back quicker. I know I don’t have to write back quickly, but I felt bad not to over Christmas and I wanted to make sure I did before the year was out for us both. I know the new year will be coming really soon for you now, since you’re a bit ahead of me.

I really hope you had a good Christmas too, I hope it was filled with lots of fun and joy. You really deserve it, so much. 

The main reason I didn’t write back sooner, was because I’ve been dealing with a really bad allergic reaction since Boxing Day and I was working over Christmas, apart from seeing my gran and family on Christmas Day. Which was really nice, but it sucks now that I’m dealing with this stupid reaction. I think I’ve narrowed it down to what I’m allergic to, which is some hoodie thing my mum bought me for Christmas. I’m hoping now I’ve washed it I won’t be allergic anymore, but I’m being very careful with it. I went to the hospital a few days ago because it had gotten really bad (my whole upper body including my face is covered in a horrible sore rash from it) and I needed to be checked out, so I was and now I’m on really strong antihistamines to help with it. The only downside is that they’ve been making me super drowsy and sleepy and I feel like all I’ve done since I started taking them is sleep. I’m hoping they start to help more soon, it’s been really rubbish. I won’t be able to do anything this evening for new years because I’m on these meds now, as I can’t really go anywhere or do anything when I feel as drowsy as I do. I especially cannot drink alcohol when on them either lol. So I’ll probably just spend it cosy on the couch, which sucks because I’ll be alone and I’m worried I’ll get sad.. but I’ll try my best to have some good snacks and drink something nice and non-alcoholic and think about how I wish for lots of good things in the new year. 

First of all… I just want to say I am so so sorry to hear about your grandma. I have been thinking about you and your family a lot since I read about that and that’s also why I wanted to reply quickly, I know how sad it is to go through something like that. I understand the feeling guilty you didn’t talk to her as much or spend as much time with her, I had that with my dad too, wishing I’d have spent more time with him in the past and stayed with him more and stuff. It’s only natural for us to feel that way when someone passes, that we wish we’d have been there more. But I know for a fact she wouldn’t want you to feel that way, she would want you to cherish any memories you did have with her, she’d want you to look back at the time you did get to spend with her and smile and remember it all so fondly. She wouldn’t want you to feel bad or wish you could have done more, I obviously don’t know her (but by the sounds of it, I think me and her would have got on like a house on fire haha) but I think she would be grateful for any time she got with you. It really sounds like she was a very popular and very lovely woman who many cherished. I’m really glad that you got to spend some time at her home and in her town too, even if it wasn’t too long. I get why it’d maybe feel like the “life” wasn’t in the house anymore, that tends to happen when we go somewhere that was once where a loved one lived or was always found. But I’m glad that you managed to take some pictures of things and you can look back at those and remember her, remember all the good times you had and how much she loved you, which I know she did. 

I’m sorry your brother got you sick, that is really weird how it happens in hot weather too, but it’s not uncommon! I’m trying to be super careful myself at the moment because Covid is going around here again, I’m not sure if it’s because it’s cold here or whatever. I’m really glad that you’re taking some steps to see a psychologist too, I’m so fucking proud of you for that. Really, you’ve no idea how much I’m proud of you for that, because I know that’s a really big step. But it’s a step in the right direction. The fact that you were lied to about cost for one though? That’s just ridiculous! They should have to be upfront about these things, especially when it’s YOU who’s paying for it out of your own pocket. They can be so sneaky sometimes. They shouldn’t be allowed to tell you one price and then charge you something different, I’d have had some strong words with them about that if it were me haha. I also get the not clicking with your therapist too, that’s understandable and you want to be able to work with someone who you click with and who is going to give you the best help and experience possible. So that’s a completely fair reason also to want to see someone else. I really hope that those waiting lists you’re on aren’t too long, I know the ones here are really bad because it’s all public funded.. some of them are 18-24 months.. which is really really bad. So I really hope yours is a lot quicker than that. 

I am so so pleased that you had a nice time for your birthday too! That bar sounds AMAZING, I’d love to go to a place like that but I’m not really sure we have anything like that apart from NQ64 which is a video game place, like a barcade type thing. Nothing like that place you described though, I’m so jealous! And nightmare before Christmas with an orchestra?! I’m even MORE jealous. I love that movie so much, it’s one of my favourites too. I’ve even got my niece into it haha, she asked for Sally and Jack dolls for Christmas, so of course Santa (aunty N) provided lol. It sounds amazing though, I think I would really like to see something like that too, a movie with a live orchestra playing. Just thinking about that kind of environment makes me feel all cosy inside. I’d love it, I think. I haven’t seen the new Wicked movie yet, I really really want to, but I haven’t had the chance yet. I did go see the new Gladiator 2 movie though a few weeks ago, on my own haha. And I actually really enjoyed it. It wasn’t historically accurate, but a lot of these Hollywood blockbusters aren’t these days. But it was still so so good. Joseph Quinn as an evil emperor was just SOOOO good, he really played the part so well and I am forever gobsmacked at his range. I need to make a point of seeing Wicked soon, because I love the musical. I actually sang a few of the songs from it before at a local music festival when I was in high school, haha. A long time ago now. Oh and I’m glad you managed to sort out the whole shirt debacle too, and that you got some really nice new clothes and things too, I bet the green shirt looks really good on you, if it’s the kind of green I can imagine you wearing in my head (like a deep forest/emerald green) then even more so. I think you’d look really handsome in that kind of colour. You’d be handsome in any colour really, haha. I know that cologne is a really nice one too, I actually got one of favourite perfumes for Christmas which is called Alien by Thierry Mugler. But I’ve been wearing Le Labo’s Santal 33 and Another 13 for the past nearly 2 years too. I’d say those three are my favourite, but the Le Labo ones are DEFINITELY way more expensive than Alien hahaha. So those are “special” perfumes I don’t wear a lot and try to keep for special occasions. 

Yes, you got it right, it’s a demogorgon haha. I get not really being able to get into shows or anything, sometimes I start a new one and fall away from it because I just can’t get into it or I just don’t have the attention span for it. So I understand that completely. I don’t think I’ll watch the new season of Witcher because Henry Cavill won’t be in it and to me? He is Geralt lol. I don’t feel like anyone else could do that role justice like he did. 

I have kept my hair like that, yeah. It’s still red and black and the same kind of style. I think I’m gonna keep it like this for a while, I really like it. It’s different too, something a bit more funky than just plain red. And thank you for saying I looked beautiful.. I really do love that dress tbh, it’s become one of my favourites and I feel really pretty in it. I love my tattoos so much too and I’m really glad you do too. I’ve actually just booked in for another portrait from the same artist (she’s my friend too, I’m sure I said that before) in April hehe, it’s going to be one of my favourite Baldurs Gate characters this time and the main big start of my sleeve on my right arm. I’m really excited for it. A couple days before the tattoo, me and her are going to see Ghost together too in concert. We’re both really excited because she’s never seen them before and I always said I’d go with her when they did another tour here. 

I’m really glad you like my Jaig eyes too. To me, they mean a lot. It might seem silly because it’s a Star Wars tattoo haha.. but the meaning behind them and stuff is something I can kind of relate to. Omg I think that tattoo will look so amazing on you. I think I know exactly what one you mean too. That will be really cool. And I think you’d really suit that. I really hope you manage to do the big idea you have, I hope we both get to do more cool tattoo ideas next year. And I’m glad that I have the Aussie approval for my “hard cunt” status now hahaha. 

When I say I met someone… I purely just wanted to be friends with this dude haha. I had no other intentions with him, it just wasn’t that kind of vibe for me. But then he kind of made it weird and stuff when he told me that he did like me and I was like “oh dear…” when he started trying to make things sexual and stuff. I still haven’t spoke to him since I set the boundary and told him I wasn’t interested at all after he tried pushing it. I really fucking hate when people do that, it made me so uncomfortable. But I’m glad I was able to be like “okay, no, you need to stop”. At the end of the day, I don’t really want to talk to someone who’s gonna act like that anyway even after they’ve been told that I’m not interested. 

Unfortunately.. me and my best friend are no longer talking at all now. I’ve had to block her on everything because I know she simply just would not leave me alone, even so much as having to block her literal email address and phone number. A LOT happened and she was very mean and horrible at the end of things. She became really horribly jealous and emotionally manipulative and then tried to paint me out to be a bad person to mutual friends of ours too. She also lied to me about a BUNCH of stuff, including some really serious things, some of which I only found out after we stopped talking. So I really don’t think I could ever speak to her again. I don’t think I’ll ever want to. She lied to me our whole friendship basically about a whole lot of things and I really don’t want to be friends with someone who’s gonna lie like that and betray my trust and try to make others dislike me based on more lies because she knows she’s in the wrong. She will never ever admit it though.. and it really does suck losing someone that you care about so much. But honestly? Since not speaking to her, I feel so much more stress free… it’s been a huge weight off my shoulders and I’m not constantly on edge or feeling like I’m walking on eggshells and not waking up to messages of her blowing up and causing random arguments over absolutely nothing all the time too. She just got really mean at the end too and genuinely made me question who I am as a person. There was a lot of projection too, and she was just really unfair in the grand scheme of things. It really is for the best that we’re no longer in contact. I can’t have that kind of behaviour in my life and I won’t allow someone to walk all over me and treat me the way she was treating me. 

I really appreciate you reminding me and reassuring me that I can talk to you about anything. I know I can. And I really am so grateful to have someone I know I can always count on to be around and to listen, to support me through anything. Even if we don’t talk all the time, I know that you’re there, that you’re listening. And I just want you to know that means so much to me and is also reciprocated. I’m always here for you too. No matter what. The person who was causing me some issues is no longer causing me those things and they’re no longer triggering me and reminding me of bad things that happened to me before. I’ve cut them off too (them and my best friend in the same month lol, how funny) and made sure they’re not able to do that anymore. I won’t ever speak to them again, not a chance in hell, not after how badly they triggered me and upset me. 

These posts are also so important to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to express just how important they are to me, really. I know it helps you get things off your chest too, I love that we have this space to talk with each other and talk about anything, without fear of judgement or dismissal or anything. Just pure support and care and understanding. I cried a little reading you telling me that I am important and I am significant. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone tell me that before. And I want you to know that you’re important to me too. And that I care about you too. A whole lot. Hearing you tell me things like that too really does help, I promise you. It gives me that little bit of strength I need, especially on bad days. I know I can always come back and read things like that again and remind myself of your words. 

Gran is doing okay, she’s still doing chemo and has now unfortunately lost her hair from it this time. But she’s doing okay, she’s taking it all in her stride and not letting it affect her personality or anything. She’s still her. We just have to keep going and see what happens now, make the most of the time we have with her and try to make as many memories as possible. Which I’m sure we will. It’s sad that we know there isn’t much more they can do for her, but we’re grateful we can have some more time with her. 

I know that it’s not far until midnight on New Year’s Eve now over there, so I’m really hoping that you have some nice plans, that you get to spend it with friends and family (and Chonky of course, I hope she is doing well too, I still remember how cute and feisty she is and think of her often, anytime I think of you really). I hope that this next year brings us both lots of joy and luck and happiness. I hope that we can both make progress and achieve things that we want to and have fun along the way. I hope that we can both find some peace and comfort too, even in our bad days. I hope that I can help to provide some of that for you too, even if only in my “letters” here. And ultimately, I just hope this next year is a lot kinder to us both. 

As I said in the beginning of this post, I probably won’t be doing much myself since I’m on these meds and not feeling too good with my allergic reaction, but I will be thinking of you while I have my cosy New Year’s Eve at home. I always do think of you, but more so on special days like today. 

A belated Merry Christmas and have a happy new year, E. And I hope to hear from you again soon.

With love, 

N x 

“I was stressing, head screwed on too tight.. read your words that felt so close despite..” 

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Saturday 23rd November 2024, 3.13am

Happy birthday E!!! <3 I really just wanted to write you a really quick birthday post and I wanted to make sure I did it while we were both in the same “day” lol (timezones are so weird).

I really hope you have the best day, filled with happiness and fun and joy. Because you deserve it, truly. I hope you get to eat lots of good food and spend time with those who you care about (I wish I could be there to spend it with you tbh) and I hope that the weather holds out for you too, if you wanted to go anywhere or be outside at all.

I miss you and I really can’t wait to hear from you again. I hope you’ve been doing okay and I hope you’re continuing to heal well, I know how badly you’ve wanted that to make more progress for a while now.

I’m going to try to get some sleep now, cause I’m working in the morning (who actually invented working on weekends, it should be illegal). I had a work trip last week too down to London and I’m just still exhausted from it lol. So I think it’ll be a relaxing weekend for me, once I finish work tomorrow.

Just know I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you the happiest birthday possible. You deserve nothing less than that, E.

speak soon, I hope. Happy birthday again <3

N x

“Coast to back country, no matter where you are.. when the sun comes up I’ll be thinking of you, when the sun goes down I’ll be drinking for two”

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Monday 7th October again, 2:22am now… I forgot to show you something else, this is my second post lol I wrote a bigger one before this.

I literally just remembered I didn’t show you my tattoos I got for my birthday. I had two full day sessions with one of my closest friends at her tattoo studio. I got portraits of two of my favourite Stranger Things characters on my shins. Yes, it was long and painful. But apparently I sat like a badass and she said I’m a “hard cunt” because of how well I sat getting my shins tattooed all day lol. I also uh.. got my thumbs tattooed lol. If you don’t know what those are, it’s Jaig eyes from Star Wars. Captain Rex has them on his helmet. They’re pretty cool, you should definitely look into them and the meaning behind them.

I hope you see these as well as my bigger post I just made before this one.

speak soon E. I miss you x

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Monday 7th October 2024, 2:17am

Hey E.. 

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote to you.. and for that I am so sorry. I’ve just… well I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve been going through a really hard time mentally. A lot has happened in a short period of time. I’ve just been really struggling to talk to anyone. Hence why I haven’t wrote to you in a while. I really hope you’re doing okay and you can forgive me for it being so long since I last wrote to you. I really am so sorry.

I want to start this off by talking about you though. I re-read your last post (and the other ones you’ve wrote me) quite a few times. I’m so glad that your specialist has given you the all clear. You’ve no idea how happy I was to read that. I really hope that you’ve been doing well with all that and continuing to recover, even if it’s been slow, it’s still progress. And you are doing amazingly, you always have done through any tough battles you’ve had. I really hope you’ve been getting the physio that you need to help the stiffness/pain you’ve been having, I hope that’s been going well too. I also hope you’ve managed to kinda fix your sleep too. I know you’d been struggling with that. 

I also hope you got a nice new coat. I really wish I could see it. I actually got a new coat too recently. It’s long and black and has like a faux fur trim around the collar and cuffs, it’s cool and will keep me warm in the winter but also still goth enough. I hope the new keyboard is treating you well too. I should probably look at getting a new keyboard myself, but any ones I see are so expensive. I’m really particular about the keys and how it looks lmao. It has to be a mechanical keyboard too, I just love the sound of them. 

London was good. I had a great time. My surprise was that my best friends got me VIP tickets for the Stranger Things play in the West End. It was.. honestly amazing. The visual effects and everything were mind blowing. The cast were phenomenal too, I honestly couldn’t have picked better people to play all the characters. They also bought me a really cool Hellfire Club loungefly bag too, which I adore. They’d known I wanted it as soon as I saw it, it had only just come out as well. But they all bought me it and I was really happy. After the show on the Saturday, we also went out for a night out. We had a blast and I actually met a guy from Perth at the club we were at! He’d come out on a night out himself, so we were all like “well just join us if you like!” Because we didn’t want him to be hanging around himself haha. So we all made a new friend for the night, he was pretty cool. He’d told us he was just here on a spontaneous trip and he’d be going back to Australia the week or two after, he wasn’t sure yet. All my mates kept telling me he fancied me and I was just like lol no he doesn’t, he’s just being friendly because he kept chatting to me and bought me a couple drinks. Turns out, they were right lmfao. He apparently only asked me for my number at the end of the night and didn’t ask anyone else. He’s text me a couple times since then but uh.. the last time he did he was a little too.. forward shall we say, that’s what confirmed to me that my friends were right. I also just told him what my friends were saying and he was like “oh yeah no I definitely liked you”.. but then he was trying to like.. idk how to word it, just being very sexual with me suddenly? It ended up getting a tad creepy and made me uncomfortable and I basically told him I wasn’t interested. We haven’t spoke since lol. So… that was weird. I was just happy to make a new friend lmao I didn’t want any of that. But in general, London was cool, I really enjoyed it and had a good time. I’ll put some pictures of everything on this post so you can see it. 

Since then though.. shits just.. kinda fallen apart. My best friend and I aren’t really talking anymore unfortunately. She just.. got a little jealous of me and reacted in a way I had never seen her before. It really upset me and she said some really hurtful things to me. We ended up having to take a few days space from each other, because of what she said to me. And even then, she wouldn’t give me that space. She kept messaging me things that were really guilt trippy and emotionally manipulative and I really didn’t like it. It was a side of her I hadn’t seen before at all. She started being really mean and horrible to me for absolutely no reason at all. Eventually, she did give me the space I needed. We’ve started talking again now but.. I don’t think it’s going to ever be the same. It can’t be after what she said and did. She knows she’s going to have to rebuild my trust and stuff again. And I’ve set clear boundaries now. Because the friendship was getting really unhealthy and co-dependent and I really couldn’t cope with it any more. It’s still quite upsetting, considering everything that happened and why it happened. 

Some other stuff has been going on too, but I really don’t want to go into detail about it, because I just really don’t want to talk to anyone about it. It’s too hard and it’s too upsetting. All I’ll say is that someone else really hurt me too at the same time this was all going on with my best friend. They’ve started reminding me of someone from my past who caused me a lot of trauma. And I really don’t know how to handle it. It’s tough and it’s been triggering me to hell, in all honesty. It’s been bringing back a lot of panic attacks and PTSD and such for me. I’m just really mentally fragile right now from everything that’s been going on. 

There’s no updates on Gran really. Other than her chemo is done and her tumour marker levels were at 5000, when they were supposed to be at 30.. so.. that’s REALLY bad. But they couldn’t find anything new on her scans and stuff when they last had an appointment with her. They did tell her she wouldn’t be getting any more chemo however, because “it would only give her a couple more months”.. which I think was a really shitty way of them telling us her prognosis in all honesty. We’re still just hoping and waiting though, that something can be done and we can move forward with some more treatment or something. At the moment, we’re just kinda in limbo. She has to have another appointment with her specialist I think at the end of this month? And another scan and some blood tests before that. So… we’re back to just.. waiting. 

I was also sick this past 2 weeks. I’ve had a really bad chest infection and I was off work for the last week too. I felt like absolute shit, in all honesty. But the cough is finally lifting and I’m hoping to be back at work on Wednesday. I’m off tomorrow (Monday, I’m writing this at like 2am so.. it’s still Sunday to me lol) and Tuesday. The day is because.. well it’s my dad’s birthday. 8th October. He’d have been 62. It’s going to be a tough day. I was supposed to have plans with a friend to try and distract me and take my mind off things but.. unfortunately they have let me down. And it couldn’t have happened at a worse time, I think. It sucks when you really care for someone and then they go and do something like that to you and make you feel like you’re absolutely nothing to them. Like you don’t matter at all and like everyone else is more important than you. 

I’ve been struggling a lot with that recently. Feeling insignificant and unimportant and like I’m not good enough. I just don’t get it. Why does everyone I care about or love leave me? Why are they always snatched away from me or walk out the door, sometimes without so much as a goodbye? It hurts so bad. I really honestly feel so alone right now. I don’t feel like I have many people who care about me or want to make me a priority or who want to even listen. I’m really not sure how much more loss and heartache I can take, in all honesty. I just.. really feel like sometimes no one would miss me if I weren’t around. And that is a hard thought to process in itself. 

I’m so sorry that most of this has been negative and heavy. I’m just.. not having a great time at all right now. I’m trying my best to stay positive and hope for better days soon and hope that things will resolve themselves and I can pick myself up and move on again. But I’m just.. still trying to process everything. Still just going through all the emotions that are coming to me and dealing with them. It’s hard when things are triggering past things too. Because it makes me feel like I’m back there. Like I’m reliving it all again. And I wish I wasn’t. 

I really hope you’re doing much better than I am. I really am so sorry it’s taken me so long to write back to you and I really do apologise that I don’t have much good news for you here. I’m mentally trying to prepare myself as best as I can for dad’s birthday tomorrow. I just know it’s going to be tough. I’m just hoping I can cope. 

I really hope to hear from you soon. I’ve missed your “letters”. I’ve missed writing them to you too. I hope Chonky is doing well too, please give her pets from me and tell her I said that she’s a good girl. 

Speak soon, E. I really hope you’re doing well. I really hope to have some good news for you soon. 

N x

“I’m falling apart over a memory.. and the weight in my heart is getting too heavy” 

P.S all the pics are from my London trip, apart from the last one.. I just wanted to show you my new hair I got done a few weeks ago. It’s red AND black now. Something different, but I think it’s cool as fuck. I think I might keep it like this for a bit.

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Sunday 9th June, 2:36am

Hey E.

I really hope you’re doing okay. It’s been quite a while since I’ve heard from you. I know that you were still recovering and getting better from everything, but please know you’ve not left my mind. I’ve still thought about you all the time, hoping you’re doing well and hoping that things are getting back on track.

I know you said before that sometimes when it’s been a while you worry about what to say or how to reply, but I just want you to know.. it really doesn’t matter how long it takes for you to write to me, I’ll still be here and still be reading. I just don’t want you worrying thinking that because it’s been a while I’m going to be upset or mad or anything, because I won’t. I just really do hope you’re okay, first of all. But I do need to ask you just one thing, and I don’t want to because it kind of scares me and I don’t want it to end up becoming some kind of self-fufilling prophecy, but I need to.. if you ever feel like you can’t keep writing to me or can’t talk to me again, please please at least tell me? Especially if it’s something I’ve said or done that’s made you feel that way. It’s not that I think you would just… disappear but.. idk, I really just worry about that sometimes. I guess I’ve just had a lot of people I care about up and leave without a trace..

I don’t really have much to write about right now, other than a couple things. I’m not sure if they’re exciting or not, I’ll let you be the judge of that lol.

I got another promotion at work. It comes with a proper pay rise this time, which I’m really happy about. It’s coming just in time for my birthday too at the end of this month. It’s a lot more responsibility (I’m a step below manager now… which is really fucking scary kind of) but I think I could really learn a lot, my manager seems to really believe in me too, it’s nice to have a good manager like her. I really like her. And a lot of my workmates are really helpful too when/if I need some help on something.

Gran is recovering well from her surgery, though she’s been back in hospital with a diabetes related issue (we were terrified because she was in a really bad way) and a couple infections, but she seems to be doing okay. Although.. they are kind of scared that her cancer has spread. They’re keeping a close eye on things and monitoring her lots, just to see what’s going on and make sure they catch it quickly if it has. I think she’s a little fed up with it now, but I’m still just trying to do my best to spend time with her and lift her spirits and make her laugh or smile or something, even if it’s just once every time I see her. I feel like I’ve grown closer to her and my aunt too this past year.

That brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about.. dad’s anniversary is coming up on the 15th. I’ll be honest, I’m so fucking scared of it and I’m dreading it. Because I just know I’m going to be in pieces again, I’ve already had quite a few days where I’ve been really upset because of memories popping up from last year or thinking things like “oh today is the day that x y z happened last year”. It’s so fuckibg tough. And some days I feel like I’m right back there experiencing it all again, but this time there’s a massive hole in my heart because I remember that he’s not here anymore and then I just miss him terribly. My aunt and 2 of my cousins are going to come with me on that day to one of me and my dads favourite places, a little seaside town called Largs that we used to go to a lot. There’s a beach and some arcades and fish and chip shops and all the typical seaside town stuff. It can be really nice there, especially in the summer. There’s also a big biker community there and my dad would go there when he was young too with his friends on his bike. We’re going to scatter some of his ashes there, the remainder going down to be with my stepmum in Glastonbury where we scattered her ashes, but that probably won’t be til later in the year. I still need to figure all that out because it’s a bit of a journey for me. After that, I think we’re gonna go for some lunch. I’m off all this week from work, so I have time to feel my emotions and try and take care of myself and prepare myself for that day. I’m gonna go and get my hair done and have a little self care day on the Friday 14th, the day before, just so I can do a little something for me.

Other than that, it’s just been the same old same old really. Still just plodding along, still just trying to look forward to my trip to Manchester for my tattoos on my birthday, still just looking forward and prepping for my trip to London in July that my best friend is planning for me. I still don’t know a lot of the details about what she has planned, so it’s a little exciting to think of what might be happening. I’d be happy just to go to nice places and eat nice food and drink nice drinks with nice views or whatever. I’m not really fussy, that’s all I really want. Anything else would be an added bonus.

I really do hope you’re okay, and I know I’ve already said that, I feel like I’m just repeating myself but I just wanna make that apparent. You being okay and stuff comes first, above everything else. I really do hope I hear from you soon, idk if it’s weird of me to say but.. I miss you. I think it’s just because my anxiety is so high right now and I’m so on edge at the moment, because of the anniversary and stuff coming up. But I’ve been extra tearful and sentimental and shit. I don’t know if it’s cringey to some or anything, I guess that’s just how I feel.

I’m gonna leave you with some lyrics, as always. I hope that your recovery is going better now and that you’re starting to feel yourself again and if not.. I really will be keeping you in my thoughts, as I always do.

I really look forward to hearing from you soon, E.

N x

“All the bad dreams that you hide, show me yours I’ll show you mine”

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Wednesday 17th April 2024, 2.32am

Hey E x

I’m so sorry it’s been a while since I wrote to you, life’s been pretty stressful and busy, but not for any big reasons really. It’s just mostly been work and friend drama and stuff. It’s been pretty boring actually though, I think that’s also why it’s taken me a while, because I haven’t really had much to write about, it’s all been pretty mundane stuff haha. 

I’m really sorry that it’s taking you a little longer to heal from your surgery than was originally thought. I keep thinking about how you’re doing and if you’re making any progress, which I’m sure you are. I know you’ll get there, it may just take some time but you’ll do it, I believe in you. I’m really glad you no longer need the painkillers all the time too, I can’t imagine that needing to take lots of them would be good for you in the long run anyway. I really hope your stitches have finally gone and that you can no longer feel them, I know you weren’t very happy about that. And I hope that the tightness in your chest you were feeling has started to ease off more too. I know it’s probably because of where they had to cut through to get to things and all that, but I just hope you’re a bit more comfortable now. 

It’s really good that you’ve been able to workout more too! That’s a big step and I’m really proud of you for that! Even if it is only a little bit and mostly stretches and stuff. I’ve been trying to do a little bit of yoga recently, I’m absolutely rubbish at it lol but I was told it would help for things like flexibility and can be good for your core strength and even just your mind as well. I need to start walking more too, but it’s been cold, no one wants to leave the house and go walking when it’s cold! Haha. Hopefully the weather will warm up a little more and I can start going some walks again, there’s a few little trails/public paths nearby that are really pretty in the summer and you can get some amazing views over the river and into the mountains/hills too, especially if you’re up high. I get you saying your lungs feel like they get more of a workout, I’ve been asthmatic since I was a child so mine always feel like that haha, which also means I do have to be really careful not to overdo it. 

I can absolutely believe you’ve been having some PC problems still haha. You have absolutely no luck with technology, I’m so sorry E haha. I hope you’ve managed to figure out if it was your motherboard or your power supply that was making everything go all weird, I know those can both be pricey to swap out. I really do look forward to seeing you stream again, but don’t rush yourself back to it if you still need to fix things with your PC or if you’re not feeling ready/up to it just yet. I fully believe that you would be really good at it, even just as something like a hobby that you enjoy doing as well as something to try and make a career out of almost. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to rush back, there’s plenty of time, don’t worry about that at all. 

I’m doing okay and gran is doing alright. She had her surgery and she’s starting to recover. She was in hospital for like… 2 weeks I think? But she got home a lot quicker than they expected and she’s been doing well, just been going to lots of follow up appointments and things, I’ve been going over to see her/help out as much as I can between work and stuff too. I actually made dinner for me, her and my aunt one day too! I made chicken alfredo and it was pretty damn good if I say so myself haha. My gran hasn’t had much of an appetite since her surgery, just because she feels sick a lot of the time from all of her medications she has to take, she’s on antibiotics for the rest of her life because they had to take her spleen out as well as parts of her liver and pancreas and lymph nodes. But she absolutely WOLFED down the Alfredo I made and I’m not gonna lie… I actually had a little sense of pride in it. Idk, it’s a nice feeling when someone really enjoys something you’ve cooked/made for them. I’ve been trying to get into that a little more recently too and try out new recipes/foods, I want to be able to make lots of different dishes as cooking for others is something I enjoy a lot. 

The weather is getting a *little* warmer, although the wind is still quite cold. I know it’ll be getting cooler for you now too, I hope it’s definitely not anymore 35+ days as I know you don’t like those haha. I’m excited for summer this year actually.. I have two tattoos booked and planned for my birthday (that I’m actually getting from a friend who does amazing pop culture tattoos) and my best friend is planning me a surprise trip for my birthday too, even if the trip is in July. It just worked out better that way for us to take time off work and save money and stuff. All I know is that I’ll be going to London for 4 days between 19th and 22nd July, that’s it haha. I know absolutely nothing more and I don’t even know if she’s invited anyone else along haha. It’s quite exciting, I do like surprises, even if I am impatient and always being like “soooo… what is it?” Hahaha. 

I think I’m still feeling a tiny bit of that “stuckness” I mentioned to you before. But I think it’s because of everything I’ve been through in the last year. I’m kind of dreading the next couple months before my birthday and things because of like… the anniversaries of certain things that happened last year coming up. And I know it will be silly things like “oh this time last year I was told this” or “this time last year I was with dad and we talked about that” and I know it will make me upset, I know that May and the first couple weeks of June is really going to suck. I think I just need to take it as it comes, feel my emotions and sit with them if I need to, let them pass and stuff. I know it’s normal, I’m obviously still really grieving too, even if it seems like life has moved on. I think I’ll always grieve my dad, I’ll just get better at being able to handle it and cope with it if that makes sense? I kind of really wish I could have a hug right now because I do feel a little sad thinking about it all and thinking about all that’s coming up soon and feel like I might cry a little, but I’ll be okay. 

I think you are right, I am being harsh on myself a little. Sometimes I really struggle with not being harsh on myself. I think I just have such high standards for myself (thanks mum) and I definitely have the curse of perfectionism for sure haha. I like to make sure everything is totally 100% good and correct and stuff, and when it’s not I get frustrated or upset with myself. I think that’s why I struggle to make music things sometimes, because I’m always beating myself up if it isn’t perfect first time round. And I think I need to learn that life isn’t perfect and I’m not perfect either and that’s okay. That I’m only human and I’ll never make everything totally perfect, we all make mistakes and get things wrong and that’s okay. I think you’re right too about me probably trying out a few different places before I settle on somewhere. I have definitely been thinking about it a lot more, I know for certain I don’t wanna live here in this town forever. Maybe not even Scotland, who knows honestly. I think I said this already, but close to a city would be great for me. I have still been thinking a lot about how I’m kinda like.. “behind” some of my friends in terms of like.. how some of them are married and have bought houses and have kids and stuff. I think it’s because I’m literally approaching my 30’s in the next couple years (that is fucking scary to even say holy shit) and I thought I’d have it all figured out by now. But I’m trying to be kinder to myself, to tell myself that everyone does things at their own rate and not to compare myself or my life to other peoples. I’ll get to where I want to be (hopefully) one day, whether it happens quickly or not. I feel like you’re right too. About the Adoring Fan voice in your head, haha. I have that too. It’s always telling me what my granny used to say, which is “what’s for ye won’t go by ye”. Basically that things will work out in the end and that if somethings meant for you it’ll come to you. 

Please don’t ever feel like you’re rambling when you write to me, I really enjoy reading what you have to say and I love when you write lots. But I don’t want you to feel any pressure that you do have to write lots, you absolutely don’t, you can write as little or as much as you like here, I just want it to be like us talking, because that’s how I see these in a way. I just love hearing from you in general, really. I do often go back and read your “letters” to me, especially if I feel like I need a little boost and I remember you’ve given me some good advice before or given me a good “pep talk” as it were haha. I do get the feeling pressure from family thing, I really do. It’s a bit different for me because I’m not recovering from a big surgery, but I do still feel some pressure from some of them to do well and get things done and meet milestones etc. I feel similar in that my best friend and you are probably the people who understand me most right now. And who are also the people who can make me smile and feel a bit better when times are tough. I don’t know why, I guess I just really care about you both and I know that you both care about me too. It’s nice to know that, that someone’s still backing my corner and will support me through anything. You both did so much for me last year, really. I’ll always be grateful for that. And for everything you continue to do too. Even if it is just talking with me or writing these little posts to each other. It might seem like a really small thing, but they really do mean so much to me.

I’m really glad that Chonky is doing well, I’m glad she had her little adoption day meal and her valentines meal awww, she’s adorable honestly. I saw a cat a few weeks ago that kinda looked like her, just a different colouring of the fur and it made me think of her. 

I have heard about Catfish and The Bottlemen!! I’m so excited honestly! I can’t wait for new music. And hopefully I’ll get to see them too, my next concert is on 12th June, I’m going to see Weezer and The Smashing Pumpkins with my younger sister, which I’m really excited about!

I’m gonna try and get some sleep now, it’s almost 3am and I have to be up sooooo early for work lol fml. I shouldn’t have napped this afternoon when I finished work haha but I was so so tired haha. Oh and just to quickly touch on that, work is going good, it’s just busy and stressful a lot of the time but my promotion is going well and I’m really enjoying my new team and my new manager is great, I really like her and we get on really well. She also makes sure to tell me if I’m doing things well too, which I really like, rather than some other managers who focus on the bad or not so good. I kind of feel like I got lucky with that. 

I hope you’re doing well, I hope you’re sitting somewhere comfy and nice while you read this and that Chonky is nearby too. Please give her some pets from me, if you can haha. 

I really look forward to hearing from you again soon, E. and again, I’m sorry it took me so long to write back. Just know even if it does take me some time.. I’m always here okay? Always will be. I’m only just a few lines away, always. 

N x

“So if you ever need to find, someone to get along with every time, don’t take another chance with me, I’m not the man I’m supposed to be…” 

p.s, here’s a little picture of my grans dog. His name is Perry and yes he’s a westie hehe. He always sits by my side on his little blanket when we’re in the kitchen at the table, probably to see if I drop any crumbs ahah.

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Friday 9th February 2024, 3.33am

I have a lot on my mind, I can’t sleep, so I’ve been writing.. I just wanted to share some of it with you.

I really hope you’re okay. I really miss you right now.

x

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Friday 19th January 2024, 00:47

Hey E. I hope you’re starting to recover a bit more and you’re starting to feel a bit better. I’m so so sorry it’s taken me a little while to respond to your last message properly, I had been worrying about how long it’d taken me to reply to you. I’ll be honest, after New Year I haven’t been feeling too great mentally. I’m not sure why or if it’s just a combination of things, but I’ve really isolated myself from a lot of people and things. I don’t know, I just think that I’m starting to really think about the direction in which I want my life to go and how it’s nowhere near where I want to be and it’s kind of scary. But we can talk about me more in a minute, I want to focus on you right now. 

Having to spend a week in hospital sounds so so draining and I’m sorry that you had to end up staying longer than anticipated. I am however glad that your surgery itself didn’t take too long, four hours is pretty good for something like you had done, so you must have had good surgeons, which I’m also glad about. I kind of squirmed a bit when you mentioned they had to move your lung and stuff, cause honestly I really cannot imagine how that would feel. Really weird I assume, but I guess you were asleep for it, so you probably don’t remember it. But still, it’d feel so strange. It doesn’t sound nice that you were in lots of pain afterwards too, but I’m glad that they could give you something for it to help and stuff. The drain thing sounds so weird too, like I really could not imagine having something like that done, but I can’t imagine it’s pleasant. I’m glad that they managed to be able to take it out after a few days though and that your lung started doing its thing again, good lung haha. Not being able to eat sounds awful too, but Dr Pain (I’ve decided that’s her name now) was good for giving you some tablets that would make things easier for you and enable you to eat. I have been wondering what was the first thing you had after you figured you could eat properly again haha. Is that weird? I don’t know, I just know if that had been me, I’d immediately be thinking of like my favourite food or something and asking someone to bring it for me. I really hope you had family or a friend or something to bring you things and visit you and stuff, cause I don’t want to think about you being in hospital all alone and stuff. It’s a pretty scary place sometimes, I remember when I was in hospital once before, I hated it. I was always asking when people were gonna come visit and stuff and I remember getting a little upset some nights because I was there on my own. I really didn’t like it. So I hope you did have people to come see you and stuff. 

God I can imagine JUST how stir crazy you were going. Especially having roommates that snore or are loud haha. I get maybe they couldn’t help it, but it can still affect you too since you’re sharing a room with them. I’m just really happy that you didn’t have to stay for much longer after the drain and everything was all sorted out and removed and stuff. I bet the stitches and stuff are all gone now? I know you’ll probably still have a faint scar from it and stuff, but hopefully those are healing up okay and there’s no issues with those. I really hope you’re not feeling as stiff as you were before and that you’ve got some more of your movement back. I know you were saying you had some of it but not all, so I hope that’s different now and it’s almost all back, if not completely by now. I hope this surgery really has helped too and you’re not in any more pain or being bothered by the issue that was happening before. Awwwww I bet poor Chonky did miss you, I don’t blame her for not leaving you alone haha. I’d have been the same probably, you’d have got so annoyed with me being there like “are you okay? Do you need anything? A drink? A snack? Another pillow? Need me to open a window? Get you a fan? Anything?” lol I’m making myself laugh as I type this because that’s literally exactly how I fucking am, I’ve been doing it with my gran when I see her and stuff and she just laughs at me and tells me to sit down and if she needs anything I’ll get it for her. My dad would do the same lol. I don’t know, I guess I just like looking after people and making sure they’re okay and don’t need anything at all. 

Ugh I’m not even going to lie to you, I would KILL for 30-35c weather right now. Maybe not 40, you can keep that lol. 20 would be perfect, that’s a good temperature for me. It’s currently -3 here and it’s snowing too, although it’s only JUST started a little bit ago. I’m absolutely frozen. At this very moment in time, I have my oodie on, my thick fluffy PJ’s and socks, a blanket and the heat turned up and I’m STILL freezing. But I am trying my best to get all warmed up and stuff. I really cannot wait for it to get a bit warmer outside, I miss being able to not wear a jacket and a scarf lol. I think I’M starting to get a bit of a cold right now, because I’m all sniffly. But I don’t have a cough or anything yet, maybe I won’t get one, I hope not cause I hate having a cough. Being asthmatic I kind of always have one anyway, so when I get a cold or anything that just gets so much worse and it’s very annoying lol. I really hope that you’re doing better now and it didn’t turn into anything else or get any worse at all. 

I have a tiny bit of good news actually. I’m moving departments in work. It’s technically actually a bit of a promotion haha. I’m moving into a specialist role, which means I’m moving team and manager and stuff too. It’s the same pay (I think, I’ve still to confirm that with my new manager once I find out who that is) but it’s better shifts and stuff for me. I’m a little excited about it, cause it means I’m not dealing with HALF as much shit as I was from customers lol. I won’t go into any detail or anything but there’s been quite a few times I’ve had customers be REALLY mean and horrible to me lol. But now I’ll be a specialist and I’ll only have to deal with things when they’re escalated to me now. I’ve served my time in the trenches is what I keep saying lol. 

Gran is doing okay. She’s still back and forth to the hospital and stuff for MRI’s and CT scans and all sorts of tests and things. She’s hopefully going to be getting surgery soon, to try and remove some of her pancreas and some other things nearby and around it. We’re hoping that this helps a lot and she can soon be on the road to recovery, since she can’t get any more chemotherapy. We found out that the type of chemo she was getting was a trial too, so that’s why it was a kind of “one and done” deal. Because she didn’t react well to it, they don’t want to attempt it again, just incase they make her sick again. I just really hope she gets her surgery really soon, cause the longer we leave it.. yeah, I don’t wanna say what I’m thinking but I think you’ll know what I mean. 

As for anything else? It’s just kind of all been the same. And that’s what I was saying earlier about it’s all a bit scary. I know where I want to be and what I want to do and stuff, it’s just… it seems really out of my reach with how things are at the moment and what I’m able to actually do if that makes sense. I don’t know, I think it’s because I’m approaching my last year of my 20’s now (I know, I sound so fucking old, UGH, but I’ll be bloody 29 in June and I really kinda don’t like it. I still feel like I’m 20 or something mentally). I don’t know.. I just feel like I haven’t really done much with my life up until now. Granted, yes, I’ve been through a lot (especially in the last year, good god) since I was a teenager (I don’t know if I’ve ever really told you any of what went on, or if I did I don’t think I went into detail, but the long and short of it is that I’ve not had an easy run of things since I was about 15, that’s when my life really changed a lot and I feel like I’ve just been dealt shitty hand after shitty hand since then) but I still feel like I should be a bit further on with my goals than I am now. Maybe I’m being hard on myself or something but.. I just don’t want to be stuck here forever you know? I do feel really stuck. I feel like there’s always some kind of roadblock or something in my way of getting to what I want. It’s like a two steps forward and three steps back kind of thing. I start to get somewhere then something happens or someone stops it. I really think my number 1 goal at the moment is to move out of the town I live in. There’s nothing here and no opportunities really, but it’s so hard to move at the moment because of how expensive everything is. So I’m not exactly in the best position to do so at the moment anyway, but I’m hoping to save some more and eventually be able to move to somewhere else. I really have to try and figure out where I wanna move to too. All I know is that I don’t want to live in Greenock forever. I’d be happy even just moving into the city, into Glasgow maybe. Although I might not wanna stay there forever. Who knows? It’s all a bit uncertain and stuff and I think it’s just because I’m getting a little older now I’m starting to think of all of this and freak out a little bit. 

It doesn’t help when I see my peers and friends and stuff all move away and have kids and get engaged and married and stuff and I’m just sat there trying to figure out what my next Baldurs Gate 3 tav will look like and what I’m gonna have for dinner that night and what I’m gonna wear to the next concert I go to or whatever lol. Which is soon btw, I’m going to see Depeche Mode (very 80s, very goth) on 31st January, which I’m super excited about. I’m also planning on booking 2 full day tattoo sessions down in Manchester as a birthday present to myself in June, the artist I’ll be booking in with is a friend of mine and I really love her artwork. I think I’m going to get her to do some Stranger Things and Baldurs Gate tattoos for me, since those are my two big obsessions right now haha. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving them or will ever regret those tattoos. Those are two things that I’ve really connected with and really enjoy, so it makes sense. It’s part of my story, so tattoos it is! Plus I kinda really just love getting tattooed? lol

I really do hope you’re doing much better and that you’re healing more and more every day. I hope Chonky is looking after you well and you are repaying her sufficiently in pats and treats. 

I really do look forward to hearing from you again soon. I don’t know if I’ve said it before but.. I really do like going back and reading all of your “letters” to me. They really do give me a little warm feeling and make me smile. I think I just like talking to you and I like how these are unfiltered, like we’re just talking to each other as we normally would if we were sat next to each other or on the phone or something. 

Anyway, I’m rambling now and I really wanna go turn the heat up a little more because my toes are like ice cubes right now. 

I hope you’re doing well and resting lots and taking good care of yourself, E. I really can’t wait to hear from you soon. 

N x

“I can’t go back, no I’ve gone too far, I miss the way that my eyes filled with stars” 

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

1st January 2024, 05:12am

Hey E.

I just wanted to post really quickly to wish you.. happy new year. May this year bring us both happiness and the joy and love we both deserve. I promise you I really am going to do a proper big post soon, I’ve just been working and I’ve been with some friends over the last few days (I’ll tell you all about my trip too, since I’m in Newcastle visiting them, it was all very last minute, but I’m glad I came because it’s been incredibly emotional for me).

I just really hope you’re doing okay and feeling a bit better than you were before, even if only a little bit. I’m sending you so much love and healing right now. I really hope you can feel it. Again… happy new year E. ❤️

N x

“Blessed our gardens growth, ivy climbs the wall, heather in the fall”

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

25th December 2023, 09.02am

I just read your post and I just wanted to post quickly to say.. Merry Christmas E ❤️ I really hope you had a great day, mine is just beginning. I am however unfortunately working today. And I think it’s going to be a little tough because it’s my first Christmas without dad. So I’m trying my best to just keep myself distracted with work.

I really am so sorry to hear you were stuck in hospital for longer and that you had to deal with loud snorers lol. I’m gonna do a proper reply in a few days, I just wanted to quickly send something to say Merry Christmas to you and that I hope you have a great day with all the love and joy you deserve. Please give Chonky some Christmas pets from me. I’m about to make myself a coffee and have a pastry for breakfast while I start work, but I’ll go see my gran after I finish today.

I really hope you’re okay. I have been thinking about you a lot and wondering how you were doing.

Love,

N x

“I hear you breathe so far from me, I feel your touch so close to me”

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

A Birthday Present (kind of) for E.

23rd November 2023

Oh and…

“Get back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!" 😅

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Tuesday 17th October 2023, 02:45am

I really should be asleep right now. But I can't seem to get comfortable and when I do, my brain just won't shut up. So here I am, writing to you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I don't know why. I think I've been missing you a bit. Is it strange to miss you? I don't know. I'm sorry if it is.

I really hope your blood tests came back okay and everything is all well with your health. Do you know when you'll have surgery yet? I was thinking about that the other day and hoping I hadn't missed it, so I could wish you good luck for it. I'm really glad to hear that you've found a job you can do that will turn into a career too and that you can get the training for it. Has that happened yet? Or are you still waiting?

I knew you were thinking of leaving the band, and that's okay. If it's ran it's course for you, then I'm sure your bandmates will be understanding, especially if they're your friends. I really hope the last two shows went well and that you enjoyed playing them at least and I hope the last show you do next month is good too. Will it be near your birthday? Because I know that's coming up really soon too. It's the week after I get back from another comic con, I go away on 17th November and come home on the 19th, so I'm just gone for the weekend. This time it's in Wales, I've only been there once when I was a kid.

Aw no poor Chonky :( I really really hope she's okay now. It sucks when our pets get sick, because they don't have a voice to tell you exactly what's wrong, so it can be pretty worrying. It's a good job that owners can usually tell though when something's wrong and what it could be, because they know their pet well. But it sounds like you did the right thing for her and I hope she's feeling much better now. I'm sure she loved having you look after her and care for her and make sure she was all okay.

Don't worry about streaming and stuff, you can come back to it whenever you feel like it, whenever you have the time. I look forward to the next time you do, I've missed chilling in your chat and just.. hanging out. I liked it before. I actually was playing some of the Cyberpunk DLC myself the other week, it was quite fun haha. But I definitely think I need to start upgrading my PC soon. Definitely a new fan and CPU and maybe a secondary SSD. I would upgrade my GPU but those are so expensive and my 1080 still serves me well at the moment.

I'm sorry it's been a little bit since I last wrote, I've just been busy with work mostly. I haven't had much going on or much exciting happening. Apart from going over to Belfast to surprise my best friend, that was quite cool. We went to another convention, I just booked a flight and a hotel and turned up. She had no clue I was coming and was really surprised when I got there haha. I literally just went over for like.. 24 hours. I'd felt bad cause I had to cancel a trip to go see her at the end of this month just due to work and not being able to get the holidays and stuff. So I was pretty upset and just wanted to do something kinda.. fun and spontaneous? Idk

Ian Somerhalder walked by me too and didn't even notice it, it wasn't until my best friend pointed him out and I was like "oh shit" hahaha. But I was more excited about Peter Facinelli and Jackson Rathbone from Twilight, I used to love that when I was like.. 14. I would have met Ian and Paul too, but it was far too expensive for me. Maybe some day I will. I recently started watching The Vampire Diaries again, since it's spooky season and all and I haven't watched it for years. So I've went right back to the start, I'm at the end of season 1 right now where Isobel is in it (I hate Isobel. And I fucking hate John Gilbert too)

It was also my dad's birthday on 8th October. That was a pretty hard day. I was quite sad and upset all day, but I watched a lot of my dad's favourite programs and stuff and tried to distract myself. Red Dwarf, Monty Python, The Mighty Boosh (which me and my dad actually started watching together) and some Billy Connolly. I also listened to some of his favourite music too. And I got a clootie dumpling from a local bakery (it's like a Christmas pudding kind of but not as rich), coincidentally it was the same bakery me and my dad and grandma and grandpa would go to, it was just down the street from my grandma's house. My grandma used to make him one for his birthday every year when he was a kid, instead of a birthday cake because it was cheaper. And he loved it. It was one of his favourite things. He'd always ask me to bring him some down when I'd go down and visit him in Nottingham, because you can't really get it anywhere in England and to make a proper one yourself, it's a bit of a pain and really easy to mess up if you don't do certain things right lol. When he was in the nursing home, I remember one day the chef had came to talk to him and asked him about food he liked and stuff. He was telling me that they'd asked him what kind of birthday cake he wanted and my dad immediately asked if he could have a dumpling. The chef agreed and said they absolutely could do that and I remember my dad being so so happy. His face was just.. completely lit up, big wide smiles, all excited. I think that's what made me extra sad, because he had been so excited for his birthday and his dumpling. He really liked the simple things in life, honestly.

So even though he wasn't here, he got his dumpling. I went out early on the Saturday morning and picked it up, had a chat with the guy who owns the bakery (who actually weirdly recognised me and asked me who my family were, so I told him and he immediately remembered me from when I was a kid, telling me about how he remembered I'd come in with my grandma to get the rolls and the papers, how I'd come in with my dad for a yum yum or a strawberry tart lol. I unfortunately had to break the news of my dad's passing to him, he didn't know. And he was quite sympathetic. He was a nice guy, just as friendly as I remembered when I was a kid. I'll attach a picture of the dumpling to this so you can see. I stuck a candle in it and everything for him. Sang him happy birthday and cried while doing so. But I knew he'd be nearby. I knew he'd be standing right behind me hugging me while I did. God just writing this is making me tear up a little bit.

I've started some grief counselling too. I think they are really helping me. I'm getting it through the hospice who helped with dad's end of life care, even though the were only involved for.. well a few days.. they've given me more support that some family have (my mother included. I'm still at odds with her. She's done more horrible and nasty shit since we last spoke and.. honestly I'm just seeing her for her true colours now, realising that I've been gaslit, emotionally neglected and manipulated by her for a very long time). My boss has been more than happy to allow me to attend these sessions, because they know in the long run it's going to help me and isn't going to affect my performance at work or anything. I'm actually doing really well at work at the moment, even considering that it is incredibly stressful and emotionally/mentally taxing at times, but I've had nothing but good reports in my weekly catch ups with my manager so far. So I think it's safe to say they can see that I am more than capable of doing the job. I just wanna try get through my probation and then move to a different department. Something that doesn't involve talking to customers lol.

Gran also got out of hospital, which is a good thing. She's back home and still resting and stuff, trying to get her strength back. She was in there for like.. just over a month. Unfortunately we don't think shes gonna be able to get any more chemo though, which sucks. But we're hoping her oncologist will still be able to do surgery for her, we just have to keep trying to get her strength up and make sure she's eating well and we're getting her walking and stuff. Even if it's just to the kitchen and back or around the garden. Small steps. It hopefully will make a big difference. I've been making sure to go see her at least once a week, even just for a couple hours at the very least.

I don't have much else going on right now. It's just work and looking forward to next month when I go to Wales. I don't think I have anything incredibly exciting planned for Halloween, which sucks, but I'll be working this year unfortunately. Maybe I can just relax and watch some spooky movies after work, eat some terrible sweets and enjoy myself a little. Oh and I'm on some new medication too actually, I'm not sure if it's working yet, I don't feel anything different. This is for a physical thing, not a mental thing. But it's nothing too serious, just something I need to like.. manage symptoms of.

I really hope you're doing well, E. I hope everything's going good and that your health is good and Chonky is good and work is starting and surgery is getting scheduled and all the good things. I know it must be getting warmer there too, because it's definitely getting fucking colder here haha. I've been absolutely frozen in the mornings for a couple days now, until I turn the heat on again and warm up. I think it's gonna be a reaaaaally cold winter this year which is unfortunate.

I really hope to hear from you soon. And I hope I've got more exciting things to tell you next time.

N x

"I saw you in a dream then it came to an end, I wonder if you'll come visit me again"

(the selfie was me at the con in Northern Ireland. It was SO fucking hot, I was boiling all day. But I still looked cute I think.. maybe haha)

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Tuesday 29th August 2023, 05:48am

I've been trying to figure out a way to start writing my next post to you for a couple days now. I keep coming back and writing and then deleting everything. Right now, I just want to sigh very deeply. Things are just.. I don't even have a word to describe them, I just want to do a big sigh.

I'll start off with some nice stuff. London was lots of fun, Joji was amazing. I'm gonna attach some pictures of the concert and places I went and just some other random pictures of my trip. My little mini holiday started with something really cool actually, I laughed when it happened. I went to check in at the airport (cause I had a checked bag and I hate doing it online when I have one of those) and I give the guy my passport and stuff, tell him my name, where I'm going etc. And he just goes "Oh.. how about that" and immediately I'm looking at him like 👀 how about what? What does that mean? And I start panicking thinking my flights delayed or cancelled or I booked the wrong fucking date or something. And he just says "Well it says here 'Thank you for flying with BA, enjoy your upgrade' so it looks like you've been upgraded". I swear to you E, I looked at the man like he'd grown an extra head LOL. I was all like "is this some like.. ploy to get me to pay for an upgrade? Cause it's not happening lol" and he's like "nope, you've already been upgraded, you're in business class now, you get extra luggage allowance, here's your boarding pass, go to priority security and head on up to the lounge for free drinks and food". So I just stood there and laughed and shook my head and asked him if he was serious, and he absolutely was. Thank god for the extra luggage allowance btw, because I had absolutely overpacked. I think I always worry I won't have enough or that the weather will suddenly change or something and I won't be prepared. Which, is actually a very valid fear when you live in the UK lol.

So.. I went on up, went through priority security.. and I got fucking stopped didn't I? I sat there like "shit what did I leave in my bag? Did I not do my liquids right?". The guy pulled me over.. and it turned out it was my dad's jacket that they had flagged. He passed his leather jacket down to me, his proper real leather biker jacket. It's too big on me, but I love it and I really wanted to take it with me. Now.. I'm not sure if I said before or not.. but my dad was a fond man of the devils cabbage. So I *immediately* started panicking, thinking there was some hidden pocket I hadn't found that had some in it.. or that he'd just stuffed some in the lining or something, because that was a very my dad thing to do, I honestly wouldn't have put it past him. So I'm standing there, watching this guy look through all the pockets and almost fucking sweating at airport security lmfao. Then he just goes "ah okay, our scanner just didn't like the zips for some reason" then he SWABS it and my backpack and I was like OKAY YEAH I'M ABOUT TO BE DETAINED LOL. But it came back fine, he handed me my stuff and off I went to find the fancy lounge. I literally looked up at the sky as I walked away and I laughed and was like "fuck you". I'm honestly convinced that was my dad totally fucking with me, just playing a prank on me and winding me up like he always loved doing. He'd have been pissed himself laughing at me.

God, I just realised how much I typed already, jesus. This might be long, because I'm sure you're aware of this by now, but I tend to ramble and drabble on about stuff. I'm sorry I just.. idk, I like giving you as much detail as possible, I like fully explaining things to you like we're actually having a conversation and not just writing letters to one another, it's just.. nice and I just want these to be like.. totally organic and not heavily edited or anything. I just wanna talk to you like I normally would.. if that makes sense. I hope it does.

So I managed to find the lounge, went and sat myself down, I had like.. an hour and a half before my flight so I grabbed this wrap thing and there was free drinks including alcohol so of course I poured myself one lol. I sat there in a nice comfy booth by myself, charging my phone, eating this tasty random wrap I picked up and drinking expensive whiskey, all because I could thanks to the random free upgrade I got. I then went and got on the plane (I was one of the first to get on too) and oh my god I had so much room. I was sat on the aisle and there was a table between me and the person in the window seat, I could properly stretch my legs out and everything. It was.. amazing. And then we took off and we got drinks and stuff brought to us. And ACTUAL food on ACTUAL plates with ACTUAL cutlery. Let me tell you, I was absolutely fucking AMAZED hahaha. I think the flight attendants could definitely tell that I had never experienced that before. I was like a kid in a candy shop haha. They gave me a gin and tonic with my little plate of food, which was SO fucking good too. And then came back and asked me if I wanted some CHAMPAGNE. So I was like UH FUCK YEAH OF COURSE I WANT CHAMPAGNE hahahaha. And it came in a REAL glass. Honestly, I've never experienced anything like that before on a plane and honestly, coming back home in economy sucked after having that lol.

I got there all good and my bag came through almost right away so I wasn't fucking about at the airport for ages, I hopped in an Uber and went to my uncles. It was really warm and the drive took a while because of traffic (I also was going from one end of London to the other tbf, but I was far too tired and warm to be dealing with the London underground, I also hate getting the tube when I have a case with me, people just look at you and give you the dirtiest looks). The first evening I was there was super chill and low-key. Me and my uncle nipped around to his local pub which was only 2 minutes around the corner from his place, we had a couple drinks together and actually bumped into a Scottish guy who was there on his own, we got chatting to him and he was quite cool. Him and my uncle were talking about being teachers and me and him had a chat about music and stuff. He didn't stay long though, but it was nice to talk to someone from the same country I am when I was away from home haha.

The next day was the Thursday which was the day of the concert and I basically had the flat to myself all day. My uncles flatmate (who is also his ex partner who I've known since I was a kid, they're still really good friends though and still live together) was gone to see family and my uncle was going to see friends on the coast that day, so we had breakfast and coffee together before he left. I chilled in the morning, put some music on and just.. enjoyed the sun. I had the balcony door wide open and just sat there playing music and relaxing. It was the most chilled out I'd felt in months. I ended up picking up my uncles guitar and playing that for a little bit too. I'm so fucking rusty haha. I hadn't played for quite a long time, so I was trying to remember stuff but some things just came back to me, like total muscle memory almost. It was so badly out of tune too but I just tuned it up by ear, I'm still really glad I can do that. It was just really nice to have that little bit of time before I had to get ready for the concert and make my way across London again. But I did and I actually met up with someone from the discord server we first met on! A guy called Zach from London and his girlfriend. Me and him are still friends and have been for years, but I'd never met his girlfriend before. She was so nice, she even got me water when I thought I was dying of heat stroke at the concert lol and I had a really cool day with both of them. It was just soooo busy and sooooo fucking warm at the concert. So much so I ended up buying a fucking hat lol. I don't ever wear hats, but I really needed one. Even when I had sunnies on. I ended up buying a t-shirt too, which I'm actually wearing right now. I ended up I was so warm and drank soooo much water, genuinely thought I was gonna keel over at one point, but I was okay and I had fun.

The support acts I didn't really know, but they were quite good. I really enjoyed the first support, he was really funny and really got the crowd involved. Omg and he sang Gary Come Home from SpongeBob hahahahaha. I was absolutely pissing myself laughing when he did that, but it was a good rendition hahaha. Then obviously Joji came on and I was absolutely in my element. He was amazing. He sang one of my favourite songs first too. He actually sang quite a lot of my favourites of his, and even some old ones too, and I mean like.. songs from his SoundCloud days. It was really great. And there was two fucking mosh pits haha! He basically paused the concert halfway through and went off stage, then came back on and him and his hypeman or whoever started doing a fucking DJ set in the middle of the concert hahaha. They also had a Jack Sparrow lookalike competition on stage and called it a Jack Off lmfao. Oh and they literally brought out a blackjack table too and started playing that hahaha. You could tell he really wanted to appeal to all of his fans and wanted to make people laugh, FilthyFrank and Pink Guy are absolutely still in there haha. I honestly had such an amazing time at the concert. Getting out was an absolute pain though, they stopped and started us all leaving so many times and had like.. police blocking off entrances and stuff for no reason other than it was busy. I remember getting asked where I was going about four times and I was just like "um.. to get the tube home? Same as everyone else?" Lol.

The Friday I was there was more low-key. I stayed at the flat and chilled with my uncle for a few hours before I got ready and headed into Soho. I ended up going to a pub my uncle recommended me and had a few drinks. I got talking to two older ladies who were really nice and let me sit with them and chatted away to me. I also met up with a friend who had moved down to London once they finished work and we had a couple drinks there too, before we moved on to a different pub that I'd been told about. I really liked that second pub, it's actually apparently really well known and a lot of famous people go there. But I didn't see any famous people haha, or not ones that I knew anyway. My friend recognised a relatively famous ex-manager of one of the biggest Scottish football teams though in the first pub we went to and I made them take their picture with him lol. Well, I say I made them, they were like "should I ask for a picture?" And I just whipped my phone out and was like "excuse me, hi, you were just talking to my friend, do you mind if they have a picture with you?" And the guy was happy enough to do it. We then ended up having a walk around and going to another couple of bars. So many people instantly gravitated towards me because of my accent and kept telling me how amazing it was and I was just like "it is?" Hahahaha. I didn't stay out too late though, I was still tired from the concert the day before and I think I was home and in bed by like.. 1am haha.

The Saturday I just went around some places locally to my uncle. There's a cool little old cemetary nearby him that they're doing a lot of restoration works on, but you can still walk through it. So I had a wander through there, it was really nice. I then found this nice little cafe and had some lunch there before I went back to my uncles place. He'd gone out and his flatmate was still away, so I just chilled and listened to some music again, before I had some dinner and then I got ready and went to a goth club that night haha. My uncle had got back before I went out and he was telling me how he'd been to the same club I was going to before, but it was back in the 80's and was telling me stories and stuff while I did my makeup. We also had a little drink together before I headed out and it was nice. We're really similar personality wise and he's honestly really cool. We sat and listened to The Cure and Cocteau Twins and Lebanon Hanover and Siouxsie and stuff like that while I got ready and we drank together. Then I went off to the club MYSELF might I add. That was a really big thing for me, going to a place like that alone. But I ended up I just got a drink, found myself a seat near the dancefloor and just chilled for a bit. Again, I ended up opening my mouth at some point, I think I was ordering myself a drink, and some girl asked me where I was from and said she liked my accent. I told her and we ended up chatting for a while. She introduced me to her friends and I ended up tagging along with them for the rest of the night. They were all really nice and took me under their wing and we even took pictures together haha. I got drunk with them and danced with them to music similar to what me and my uncle listened to before I went out haha. I got really excited when Depeche Mode came on and basically just put myself right in the middle of the dancefloor haha. I have a tendency to do that when I'm drunk lol. I didn't get home til 5am, I had been having that much fun haha. The club didn't close til 6am too, so I really could have stayed until then if I wanted to haha.

The Sunday was just really chill, we went for some lunch and we chilled in the flat, I was a little hungover so my uncle just told me to relax and take it easy. I had been really busy tbh, so it was only natural I started feeling it a bit by the Sunday. I also ended up getting bitten on my arm and shoulder by mosquitoes or something on my first day there and by this point the bites were really itchy and irritating, so I kept having to put stuff on them to soothe it. I ended up I sat and talked to my uncle til about 9 o'clock before I got really tired and went to go crash out early. I woke up really early the next day and had to pack everything away for leaving that afternoon lol. It was sad saying goodbye to my uncle, cause he's one of my favourite family members and he really sympathises with me on the bullshit with my mother. He was really shocked when I was telling him all about how she'd been acting when my dad was sick and when he passed. She actually hadn't spoke to me for like.. 3 weeks after her birthday at the start of July. She didn't even send me a text on the day of my dad's funeral. Not a word. Didn't hear from her for like another 2 weeks after that. It's actually been like a month since she's even made any kind of attempt at contacting me. She's just.. she's really shown her true colours with all this and it's sad, because I feel like I've lost and I'm grieving for both parents almost. Just in different senses of the word, I guess. It's a whole thing spanning years, I won't get into it cause this post is long enough. She's just not a very nice person and I'm slowly starting to realise that, when I used to idolise her. It just hurts.

I was supposed to get home at like.. 6pm on the Monday evening, but our plane ended up delayed by 2 hours so I didn't get picked up by my sister at the airport until like 8pm. There was some issue with the planes navigation system that didnt happen until we got to the runway and were just about to take off. So we sat there for like.. an hour, while they tried to fix it. They managed to sort it out.. but then we had to return to the stand because they had wasted all the fuel just sitting there lmfao. So I was just like ok lol we're not going anywhere anytime soon, put my headphones in and just chilled. They refueled the plane and eventually we were on our way. I didn't get any fancy drinks or food this time, just a bottle of water and a bag of pretzels that tasted really bad hahaha. I got off the plane and, as usual for me because I always seem to have shit luck when I land at Glasgow airport, we'd landed at the furthest possible gate and had to walk aaaaaaaaall the way through the airport to the baggage carousels and so I could leave. Then there was an issue with them too. No one knew where our bags were lol. And then suddenly we were being called through to the other room which had one carousel thing. Another 2/3 flights landed at the same time as us and the baggage people put ALL of the bags from ALL of the flights on one belt. It was fucking chaos. And there ended up being a massive pile up of bags and the airport people had to press the emergency stop button. It was just a total fucking clusterfuck lol. They said that one was only supposed to be for the Dublin flight, but apparently the baggage people just went "lol no" and put all the bags on the one. Luckily, I could literally see my bag just before the pile up, so I managed to grab it (after I made sure I wasn't gonna make anything worse) and quickly make my way outside where my sister was there ready to pick me up.

I got home and had a long ass shower and just relaxed for the rest of the night. I was off work the rest of the week, so I didn't have to do anything and took my time doing laundry and unpacking and getting back into a routine a bit. I'm actually still off work right now, before I went away, me and my manager had like.. a little meeting thing. She was concerned that I hadnt had enough support at work because I'd had loads of time off dealing with stuff with my dad etc. So she wanted to like.. restart me? If that makes sense? So I took some holidays and some unpaid leave (begrudgingly, but she said it would do me best) and I'll start back from my training weeks on Monday 4th September. She thinks if I have all my training again and have a proper chance and a proper start at things without the stresses of having to look after dad or any of the other stuff I'd had to deal with, that it'll make me feel more supported and I'll do better this time around. I'm not really sure how I feel about it, cause I kinda feel like it's being forced upon me against my will? But I kinda need the job and they do keep saying it's for the best so.. I'm not gonna argue with them too much about it. Especially if they really are just trying to support me. It just means I'll be able to fly through all my training and stuff and hopefully get really good marks on all my assessments if I remember everything haha.

So um.. now comes the kinda bad part. The bit that's been making me want to just.. *big sigh*. The weekend after my dad's funeral, my aunt was pretty insistent on coming to see me. I was kinda like wtf why? This is my aunt on my mum's side btw, the one who I'm close with and who really understands my situation with my mum and stuff (and really does not agree with how she's treated me at all). She also lives with my gran, who is my mum's stepmum, but she's always just been my gran cause her and my grandad had been together since the late 70's until he passed away in 2020. So.. yeah.. I was a bit worried as to why she wanted to come over and I had asked her if it was important. She turned up at my door like 20 minutes later, telling me that it was and she wasn't going to stay long, but she just didn't want to tell me over the phone or anything, she wanted to tell me in person. Immediately, I panicked. And I was right to. My gran had been sick for quite a few months. Unexplained weight loss, loss of appetite and energy and stuff, some other really weird things that they couldn't explain. They did so many tests and scans and everything and they couldn't find anything. That was, until she had another follow up scan the week before and they called her with the results a couple days after my dad's funeral. My aunt just wanted to give me a couple more days, because she knew I was already upset, that's why she waited to tell me. But um.. yeah.. what they told her is that she has pancreatic cancer. My aunt started telling me this, telling me that they were looking at all available treatment options and that surgery was potentially going to be happening and stuff. The whole time I just stood there staring at her in complete shock. All I kept thinking to myself was "really? Again? Already?". This is now the fourth close family member of mine to have cancer. My stepmum who passed in 2014 (it was actually her anniversary yesterday on the 28th, my first one without dad), my grandad (my grans husband) who passed in 2020, my dad who got sick really suddenly and passed this year.. and now my gran.. so soon after my dad. I really got upset. I can't remember much of that evening because I think I just broke down. They've basically said that they're going to do this really intensive and strong round of chemo to try and get rid. They may also be doing surgery to remove things too. Unfortunately though, this chemo and surgery plan is like.. a one time deal. So it HAS to work. If it doesn't then.. I don't wanna think about the "if it doesnt" right now tbh. I dont know if I'm strong enough to. She started her chemo on 17th August while I was away, but I've been texting and calling, checking in on her and stuff, seeing how she's doing, even while I was away. She's been okay, but over the weekend just gone, she was feeling really sick and dizzy, not eating much or drinking, they nearly took her to hospital because she was dehydrated, but thankfully she's perked up again. She's eating and drinking and feeling a little bit better. She has to get the chemo treatment every 2 weeks and she gets 6 treatments. So there's 5 more to go. I hope her body gets used to it and she doesn't feel as bad as she did over the weekend just past again. But if she does? I'll go help her if I need to. I haven't been able to see her since I got back because I got sick with a cold or flu or something again, so I didn't want to risk passing it on to her, especially when she's going through that and her immune system is already low.

I've been feeling a bit down since I got home too, I'll be honest. This town is just.. it's so shit, there's nothing here and it's honestly just.. bleh. That's the only way I can explain it. I haven't been seeing people much either. I just feel like everyone's too busy for me. I try and reach out and make plans and stuff, but everyone's just.. idk if they're busy or just cba with me. I really hope it's not the latter. But it's kinda shit. Considering everything I've been through this year and am still kinda going through. I also keep thinking more about saving up and moving away from this shithole town I grew up in. I just want to move somewhere where there's more to do or a better life to be had or where there's more opportunities. Idk, it's definitely something I might look into. But right now, I need to be there for my gran, get started with work again and just.. breathe a bit. I can think about all that bigger picture stuff soon. I just need to look after myself and my gran and just.. idk have some kind of normality for a little bit I think.

I really hope you're doing okay too. I hope your doctor's appointments have been going well. I swear to god, if they don't let you keep the piece of your rib that they cut out, I will come over there and I will riot lol. It's your fucking rib, they better let you keep it! Haha. I'm glad you managed to figure out the monitor thing too, that would have honestly driven me mental. I think I'd have also went a bit crazy with that going on, I'm sorry you ended up getting migraines and stuff from it, that really does not sound fun at all. I really hope you're feeling a bit better though and that you've been able to have some good times and some good rest too, considering you've had a lot go on this year too, with all your health stuff and having to move back home and stuff. It seems like we've both had really busy and stressful years so far. Let's hope that the rest of the year is nice and uneventful and has some happy things for us both, I really honestly do hope that for both me and you. We both deserve a bit of a break, let's face it. If I could, I'd come steal you away for a few days so we could have a break together. We could maybe go to Tasmania and you could show me those little markets and stuff you talked about before. That would be really nice I won't lie.

Oh, I also had a dream about you a few nights ago. It was only like a two second thing, but we were standing in a shop and you were laughing at me cause I wanted to buy peanut M&M's? Lol idk why but you were like "Don't you know what they put in those things?!" and I was genuinely so confused and just wanted peanut M&M's lol. It was one of those ones where I woke up and was like "huh?" Hahaha. You weren't being mean or anything, you were saying it more in like a.. jokey concerned way it seemed.

I really really hope you're doing good, E. I really can't wait to hear from you again. And I'm sorry that this is so bloody long. I guess I just wanted to tell you everything and do it justice, tell it like I would if I was sat here talking to you in person or on the phone or leaving you a voicemail or something. Idk it just feels better than way.

I had woke up and couldn't get back to sleep when I started writing this, but now I'm starting to get tired again. It's 7am here now, but I think I could probably get another couple of hours sleep. Hopefully. My sleep hasn't been too good since I got back home again. Probably because I don't really have anything to do during the day other than things around the house etc. So I end up getting bored and napping. Which isn't good but sometimes I just get so cosy lol. I wish I had a cat like Chonky to snuggle up with and nap. I hope she's doing good too. Please give her some pets and scritches from me. Belly rubs too, if you're feeling like a gambling man.

I really look forward to hearing from you, E. I hope you like the photos and stuff of my trip to London.

"If you ever go, all the songs that we like will sound like bittersweet lullabies"

P.S, it was only gonna let me upload one video, so I put them all up on my YouTube. There's a couple different ones, but here's the link for one of them, you can have a look at the rest if you like

and heres the pictures..

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Tuesday 8th August, 8.16pm

I just wanted to write quickly to say that I'm not sure I can stream now tomorrow. I'm not feeling very good and I think I'm getting a little sick. All I've done all day today is sleep. I'm sorry. I really wanted to, but I don't think it'll be possible now. I really hope I'm better soon, especially since I go to London next week too.

I really hope you're doing okay. Miss you..

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Sunday 6th August 2023, 05:18am

This will just be a short post. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of streaming at 12pm my time on Wednesday 9th August. That would be 9pm for you. I really miss it and I kinda just.. wanna do like a one off stream, for fun.

If you're around at the time, it'd be really cool to see you there. If not, it's okay, I get it, life can be busy or hectic or other things can get in the way.

If you can make it though, I'll be streaming under ellocinx which I'm sure you already know is my old username for most things.

I also just wanna apologise if my last post was a lot. I really didn't mean for it to be. I just.. yeah, I think you know this, but I've really been going through it.

I really hope you're doing well, E. I look forward to your next letter/post. I really miss you right now. Probably because the moon is shining down at me and she always reminds me of you.

"Somewhere in a ballroom tonight.. love me, see what I see tonight"

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Thursday 20th July 2023, 01.34am

I am feeling okay enough right now to write to you, to finally reply to you properly anyway. I've really missed being able to just do that.

Don't worry about your internet being shitty and going out and therefore not being able to stream, I figured there may have been some kind of issue or maybe you just weren't feeling up to it when I didn't see your name pop up on twitch. It's okay, I get it. I hope it's fixed now though and you can use the internet again at the very least.

I really did like how you handwrote me a note for my birthday. It's really personal, I love small gestures like that so much. And thank you for saying I looked beautiful in my outfits, I really liked them. And those cowboy boots are absolutely coming with me to London next month. I've got some ideas of some cool outfits I'm gonna wear while I'm down there. Because weirdly being in a big city like that makes me wanna look cool, probably because there's more people or something lol. Or maybe it's just because I feel like I can be more myself there than in my shitty little town. Who knows. And no, they didn't give me my tiara on a satin pillow, although I wish they had now you've mentioned it haha. I cannot BELIEVE you've never had Biscoff anything, E. I am truly and completely OFFENDED lol. Not really, but it's so bloody good, you have to try it! I love Biscoff milkshakes too, ughhhh so good! I do get what you mean about the too much sugar thing. I actually have to go to the dentist tomorrow morning cause I've cracked a tooth and it's really sensitive. Luckily it's one in the back, so it's not noticeable at all.

I really do feel like he was around me on my birthday. I kept just getting that like.. feeling? Idk if that makes sense. But I just felt his presence and it was comforting. I like when I feel like he's nearby me. It doesn't hurt as much during those times.

I really do hope you are starting to feel a bit less brain foggy and a little better now. I'm really sorry you've been feeling like that. I know how horrible and shitty that can be, cause I've been there. But I am so fucking proud of you for doing those little small things to change your habits. And yes you're right, don't force them. Because you really are less likely to actually make any significant or proper changes that you'll stick to if you force it. Small changes and taking things one step at a time is absolutely the right way to go about it and I'm so happy that you know that too. I totally get it with the sleep too, I've been feeling a lot like that recently as well. It's probably been stress on my part but I can absolutely relate to it. But please don't ever feel like you've failed. Because you're not a failure, you never will be. You're human and we sometimes go through rough patches and make mistakes, that's just completely normal and all part of the human experience. It's how we learn from those mistakes and get through those hard times that really show our strengths and I know you are absolutely full of those. You have so many strengths that I'm not sure you even know about yourself, E. You're totally right in doing things when you're awake and not limiting yourself because oh it's late or oh it's early or whatever. Obviously I get you don't wanna be noisy or whatever at night, but there's always ways of working around things like that and doing what you can even if it is late at night. I've definitely been there myself (sometimes recently too where I haven't been able to sleep at all, so instead of just laying in bed and ruminating on my thoughts, I'll get up and do something. Even if it's just washing the dishes from the night before or folding some laundry or sorting through some things or something like that.

I really do hope you managed to get your doctor's appointments sorted out though, because you're right, those are really important and I know I definitely don't want you to miss those or not get the help you need and end up sick or in pain. I'm sure you don't too, you know what I mean (hopefully). I just care about you a whole lot and want you to be safe and well and as healthy and happy as possible.

I totally get the feeling like streaming is a chore when you're brain foggy or got some stuff going on. It's partially why I stopped streaming. I really should pick it back up at some point, I wasn't far from having 200 followers and I really enjoyed doing it actually. I think I prefer playing games with people on stream however, because I sometimes don't know what to say when no one's there or no ones talking in the chat lol. I do miss it, because it is fun, maybe I'll do a little one off stream one day. I'll let you know if I do, it'd be nice to see you there if you weren't busy on that day. Doing all the alerts and stuff was probably one of my favourite parts of streaming. I really enjoyed all that and even had an old friend I went to music college with make me some custom alerts. I think I still have them all saved on my OBS and stuff. I will say, I did go back to see your vod the other day but it's gone I think. Idk, I just kinda.. missed your voice. Whatever game you play on stream, it'll be fun. I know it will. I can't wait for more tentacleman and cyberpunk, when you're ready to of course. Please don't rush yourself or force yourself if you're not feeling up to it. I can wait, I'll always wait. Beach House are amazing. I do love them myself. Space Song is my all time favourite song too.

Last Wednesday was incredibly hard. It was such a difficult day for me. At one point I nearly just crumbled to the ground. I did read your post that evening when I got home. And I'm so thankful you posted it/were thinking of me at the time it was all happening. I really really am so grateful and God.. it just really fucking made my heart grow ten times. I really liked it, it made me feel all.. fuzzy or something. Your post really did help me too. I've been reading it over and over again. But's been so hard, E. Doing everything myself for dad. I've had no help from my mum or anyone really. Infact, my mum hasn't spoke to me since her birthday which was 4/5 days before the funeral. She didn't even text me to say she hoped things went well. I think you can see why I'm not really talking to her right now. My friend Sophie came to my dad's funeral with me which I was really grateful. She held my hand the whole way through and kept telling me how well I was doing and how he'd be so proud of me. I really hope he is. I still don't feel like it's real. I feel like it's all a bad dream and I just can't wake up from it. I keep looking at the order of service and the pictures and all his things sitting in my spare bedroom and I just keep thinking to myself "what the fuck?". I think now that everything is said and done, all the formalities are done and (most of) the paperwork and legal stuff is done and now it's all just like.. final.. it's still not sunk in. I still cannot believe that I won't ever hear my dad picking up the phone and saying "Hiya gorgeous" or how he'd always give me a kiss down the phone after saying goodbye before he hung up. My grief is sitting so heavy within me and I am trying so hard to not let it destroy me, but sometimes it's just so hard. I miss him so fucking much. I'll miss him for the rest of my life. I want to live my life for him and have a good one, because that's all he said that he wanted for me. He just wanted me to be happy and have a good life. But I know I'll always be missing a huge part of me, because he won't be there. He's the one person who was always there, no matter what, no matter if we'd argued or fallen out or whatever, if I needed him he was there. He's the one person who's never up and left and never came back. And now he's gone. He's been snatched away from me in such a cruel way and my heart hurts so much when I think of it all. I'm trying so hard to keep going, I really am, but everything just feels so... Hard right now. I'm desperately trying to look forward to going to see Joji next month in London and the little long weekend I have planned down there (I still don't know what I'm doing really apart from the concert, but I may just wing it). I know he would want me to go and enjoy myself and have fun, he wouldn't want me not to go or not to enjoy myself. Like I said, he just wanted me to have a good life and I want to do things for him, if not for myself.

I go back to work next Monday, I was supposed to go back this week and I did technically but.. I think I went back too soon. So I think after this week, I'll be in a much better space mentally to go back. I just need to rest and take time for me, try and process some of all that's happened, at least a little bit. I really hope this letter finds you well, I know it's a little long but I hope it wasn't too much of a boring or long read. I really can't wait to hear from you again soon, E.

I'm gonna put the video of all the bikes that showed up for my dad on the day. It really overwhelmed me, but in a good way. I thought I'd only have 3 or 4. But nope. A tonne showed up. And I have a couple of mine and my dad's friend's to thank for that. I hope you don't think it's weird or strange or anything.. I just.. idk it was nice to see how many people cared about my dad. I'll also show you the flowers. I organised them myself and chose them all. I thought they were really pretty. I'll also show you my nails I had especially done, with his initial and his favourite colour. We all wore yellow for him on the day too.

"But I miss you more each day you're not with me, and just know when I sleep that I'm dreaming of the only place I wanna be.."

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Wednesday 12th July 2023, 02.37am

Hey E.. I promise I will respond to your latest post as soon as I can, I just have to.. like.. talk right now. Get out what's on my mind at the moment. It's been a bit wild and stressful for me recently, I've been back at work and been really busy with that. I've also been doing all the last minute preparations for my dad's funeral. Which is today, now that it's past midnight.

I'm really upset. I can't sleep at all. I've been in bed since like 10pm trying to sleep and I just.. can't. I just keep thinking of him and everything we've both been through and gone through together since he got sick in May. Everything me and him have helped each other through, every single memory, all the happy, the sad, the angry, the overjoyed, everything. I miss him so so much. I am not ready to say goodbye. But I know I have to. It's happening and I can't stop it. I'm lying in bed curled up, hugging an old teddy that was my stepmums when she was sick (I know, that probably makes me sound really dumb or childish, but it's weirdly comforting) and I can't help but wish you could be here too. I wish I could curl up next to you and cry on your shoulder. Or lay my head on your lap or something. I don't know, is it weird me saying stuff like that? I really hope not, but if it is or you don't like it, please tell me and I can stop, I promise I will if it makes you uncomfortable. I just.. I don't know, I just need some kind of comfort. I just need something. And you bring me that so easily, with minimal effort.

I am really dreading today. I know I'm going to be upset all day. I know I'll probably still be upset even after the funeral when we go to the pub for a Guinness or a whisky (my dad's favourite alcoholic drinks). I just.. I wish I had someone to hold my hand through it all. I wish you were there to hold my hand. Or hold me up. Or something.

I really hope you're doing okay and that the brain fog is lifting and that your sleep is getting better. I really enjoyed your last stream, it was amazing and I'll keep my eye out for your next one. At 1pm for me today (10pm for you) I'll be at my dad's funeral. I don't know if this is weird or anything but.. just.. can you think of me then? Just send me some love at that time. I think this is really going to be one of the hardest days of my life so far. I already had one of those when he passed. Having his funeral is definitely going to be another one.

I really hope you're okay and I hope you're not annoyed that this isn't a proper response to your last letter. I promise you I'll do one soon, I really really do.

I'm going to end my letter this time with one of the songs my dad chose for his funeral.

"Like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone when the morning comes. When the night is over, like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone, gone, gone. Like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone when the morning comes. But when the day is done and the sun goes down and the moonlight's shining through. Then like a sinner before the gates of Heaven, I'll come crawling on back to you"

(This pic was taken when my dad was in hospital when I was down in England. I really like it. It reminds me of how much he loved me, he was always wanting to hold my hand. I have his ring from this on a necklace now.)