#I genuinely think the writers forgot half of the shit they wrote

[swampbrick]

I am pretty sure that Viktor was shot in the arm, and the next scene it's never brought up again??? Bro is just doing everything with bullets in his arm

My idea of a perfect world is one where they took a solid 30-60 seconds away from the Days of Our Lives infidelity side plot to address Viktor’s GSW; even if it was just to show him with bandages around them, to imply that they were treated offscreen.

[poisonedapples]

I was reading your Patton’s Home for Traumatized Kids story when you were writing it like three years ago (time flies). I forgot about it when you stopped updating and I randomly thought about it again today. Wanted to know if you ever thought about picking up the story again? Obviously it's no biggie if you haven't or if you don't want to. I was just thinking about it so I was wondering if you had too.

Yeah, I’ve thought about it, but honestly I think PHTK was never gonna get to its ending. It’s literally just too long. The original outline was just an absolute monster of a thing and I’m not the kind of person that can create 200k fics. Shoutout to the writers who can because I eat those up, but it is absolutely NOT me lol

Also, PHTK has so many problems that I’d have to completely rewrite it if I DID decide to pick it back up. I didn’t realize until after I stopped posting as much that the foster care info is pretty inaccurate. In my defense, Google was genuinely USELESS in giving me resources/stories from people who WERE in foster care, rather than just telling me how becoming a foster parent works. So a lot of it was me just making educated guesses. After I stopped posting, I found a channel that talks super in depth about the foster care system and her experience with all the different types of kids she’s looked after (including sexual abuse victims, which is exactly what I needed for Roman), and looking at all that stuff made me realize how inaccurate the whole story is. So it would all need to be changed

If I wrote PHTK again (which, don’t get your hopes up) it’d be a story about Roman going into his first foster home while his dad is actively in prison awaiting trial. In the first version, his dad is supposed to be long locked away, which doesn’t make sense timeline wise. Roman would also already have a therapist (which was something big I was planning on adding later) rather than have that be a new thing later on. And the Virgil and Logan arcs wouldn’t take half a millennia to get to lol. It kinda peeves me I ignored Logan in the fic for SO long

This is kind of a long way for me to say that PHTK is abandoned. I hate saying that because you never know, maybe I’ll explode with inspiration one day and write the whole thing in a fit of passion, but I seriously doubt it. I haven’t watched Sanders Sides or ANYTHING Thomas has posted in years. I don’t interact with the fandom and I have no idea if the fandom is still AROUND anymore, because the people I used to talk to stopped posting about Sanders Sides WAY before I did. I fought HARD to stay in those trenches because TSS was genuinely my life for like 4 years, but it was bound to end eventually

I’m glad I did write it and had so many people excited to talk about the fic with me, but the Sanders Sides days seem to be over. At least they are for me, though I’m seriously starting to think Thomas will never post a TSS video ever again. But that’s neither here nor there. Thanks for rereading the fic anyway! It means a lot to know people go back to these stories because they still enjoy it long after I stopped enjoying it (because once a fic hits over a year old there’s an 80% chance I’ll think my writing in it is shit). It’s much appreciated anon, hope that answers your question instead of me being insanely ramble-y lol <3

TL;DR: PHTK is likely never gonna be continued because of a multitude of problems and lack of passion. But hey, it was one of my most popular fics, so I’m glad I did what I did and thanks for reading it anyway

[nochi-quinn]

legend of vox machina watch party episodes 10-12: non-fungible thordak

"she's not having any of our shit tonight"

did matt get a haircut

"you're not leaving 'til 2 am, bitch"

"are you a vampire coven?" "if taliesin were here we could talk about it"

episode 10 act 4 part 3

"this is where we forgot to draw the city"

liam fangirling his own show

"OPE he lost his fingers"

"stop SPOILING. there's gonna be ACTION in the show."

"the tree piece in this game is really OP"

"shitty vox machina came in to ruin their Warhammer game"

"I forget which animals are fused with humans."

"shut UP matt"

"shout out - oh shit he's in the room"

"you slapped porkchops for like hours"

why does that sound like a euphemism

"I feel like that'd be it for me"

"matt mercer is mean!" "I didn't spend hours building those toothpick barricades for nothing!"

"that's why we named her pike"

"is there no basement? there is not"

bassment

I love how much they love their show. I know I was poking at liam earlier but it genuinely is so charming

"same arrow! that's called being responsible"

phil defending his poor herdsmen

"you guys are VIOLENT"

"TOP ROPE"

"spoilers!" maybe it'll be different on my screen

"and they were correct"

I FORGOT HE ONLY HAD ONE HITPOINT

recklegreweapomastah

"you sound like you've had your ass kicked" environmental storytelling

"there's a z-pack in there somewhere"

"zanror, needlessly hot" liam is fully horny on main tonight

"are they brothers like neptune and uranus were cousins"

"but I was born in canada"

"I actually had to shit myself for that line" "we all did"

"it's fun! and also disgusting!"

"let's not psychoanalyze me tonight"

"keyleth is the cutest" glad we're all in agreement

matt is all of us

"get a JOB leave him ALONE"

"she's bullying vax" "you're not wrong"

"he's doing the whole band" how else are you gonna get backstage

"we had to cut things from other episodes to get in 'at dawn we plan'" good

you are now Neutral with The Herd

release the underwear bible

"it is a square"

"you know what's weird? watching this scene with your kids"

"HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS" "it was very difficult"

"did you have to have a talk about bondage and safety?!"

"we have…DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES"

COLOR SCRIPT COFFEE TABLE BOOK

GIMME

that's a cool band logo

oh NO

matt broke all over again

listen sometimes you just have to have a mental breakdown, it's good for your mental health

"we asked! we forgot."

"turkey vulture!"

"in a week we can talk about it. …something else bad will happen by then." my life for the past year and a half

sam: let me make this as awkward as possible so it can only get better from here

"you write a creepy thing and you feel guilty about it" "critical role"

the writers were on top of that one

"we talk all the time you guys"

"none of this should be happening"

"see, now chat's mad at you"

SAM

THAT was liam?!

I'm turning in my voice actor fan card

"you're gonna be the guy they hit"

the fact that he wasn't doing a low bass was why I didn't clock him tbh

"take that, vegeta"

EPISODE ELEVEN

"seventy-five!" "eighty-three!" "hike!"

OH the mugs!

samuel

"beautiful nonsense scene"

travis slapping sam's hand away from the edits

"what you did is bad!"

"THIS IS A GOOD SHOW"

"I'm sure it's fine"

"this is taliesin's front yard, actually"

"look what they did to my boy"

"campaign 4 reference, shh"

"kiss him, vax"

I looked up the show sam and liam referenced, it aired 92-93. I was 4.

umbrasyl listens to linkin park, it's canon

"he's a lot less menacing if you think of him as a whiny kid" there's a lot of that in that last fight

"award-winning awkwardness"

"ashley did not have to act here"

"I think taliesin wrote some of this bullshit"

"if you'd stop FEEDING THEM"

"cut my heart out" liam gets me

"blood pools are my kink"

"it's capri-sun, it's fine"

"it's a discotek at night"

"I've had this dream" I have been blessed to not have drowning dreams, if that changes now I'm fighting matt in the street

between the two of them liam and courtenay voiced half of new vegas

matt drop the raven queen lore

matt you have to tell sam's kids it's the law

"is it YOU?"

not the creepy cg mask

"he's just a little dork!" accurate

percy 100% would have been a train nerd

why did liam's mic pick up him knocking on his head so clearly

very cool that they built the trap in 3d

"this is basically a documentary"

"HO DAMN"

"he goes INVISIBLE?!"

phil with the list of the names

that, that "can't hit what you can't see" felt very adolescent to me

"some said longer, some said shorter" "we disregarded both!"

"the only episode this season where we end on a cliffhanger"

"episode 47 down"

travis I heard you echo that "duty"

remembering that liam went through all of this while dealing with his mother's death

matt: like comment and subscribe

"if you don't do it you'll turn into a squidface" "that's season 3"

"for some people that's a plus"

I don't know why I like the phrasing "deity version" so much

"there's love there!"

the way he says "conversations" means those two have definitely had at least one fistfight over canon

DARGINS

weasel dragon

Dragon Department

CEO of Dragons

I want "Dragon Team" on my resume

"because percy invented the metric system"

"it's canon now"

17 de Rolos

UMBRASSYL

"chat wants you to show - " "your muscles"

"I practice in the car so my neighbors don't call 911"

EPISODE TWELVE

hope devouwewer

"I want a pink dragon that spits out glitter"

"back inside that bad dragon" liam no

watch out for that treeeee

"but HOW THOUGH" sam gets me

"always bring a healer" stares at laura

"when the raven from the opening went by I fell out of the chair"

"you don't have to choose one" mica/percy/vax polycule

embiggened vestige

umbrasyl on 3G

"YOU'RE NOT MY DAD"

travis keeps catching himself from saying "d&d" and says "ttrpg"

"that's just liam just talking to me"

"kiss her you fool"

scanlan as paul rudd makes 100% sense and I hate it

"RUDE. UNNECCESARY. didn't have to do it and did it anyway"

vex can't feel vax bc gatshadow's made of lead

"ancient dragon, he can do what he wants"

"we had another ending in case we didn't get a season 3 where scanlan ran and everyone died" "whAT?"

"why would you DO THAT TO ME"

liam stop saying bad dragon

"ANIME YELL"

to make an omelette you have to crack a few scanlans

"that's a scrabble word"

"the theme….but slow"

"it's all hue lights"

wait WHAT

rewatches every previous yennen scene

"she could have written a letter" but the mail fraud

age has only done amazing things to cree summer's voice

"what porpoise"

"to go do Vegas"

"put it all on red"

"I'm putting it all into bitcoin"

"he's a cryptobro" "he IS the big bad!"

"you don't get the egg, but there's a code for each individual egg"

I made the poor decision to drink liquids during the watch party again

"that's that thing that I said!"

you know what it makes me think of lernie from hades

this is not a complaint

GOD I mentioned an artbook and now I want it so bad

thordak: talking mad shit for someone in thagomizer range

sketchy vax wings?!

sketchy vax wings!!

"it's not over for all you lefthanded people"

"my wife's a lefty and every morning I say the same thing"

"don't worry laura, you'll be something someday"

The Internets

where's that comic that always makes me cry with the AWNP lines over That Counterspell

matt dropped out of art school to be a rules lawyer

ghibli keyleth!!

cASSeteria

"now you've made me sad" "GOOD"

"fifteen seasons and a movie trilogy"

"he's the EP so he said he gets the killing blow"

"is that you writing" "he uses a typewriter"

"oh god I have to do this again"

[xocasper]

BITCH OH MY GODDD I JUST READ KISS AND TELL?!?!?!!!

i dont know how i hadnt read it yet but oh my god i literally hate you so much that was the best fic ive ever read?? it got so poetic by the end wtf

my personal favorite line was "It seemed as though you had shed your exoskeletons, leaving nothing but the reality that laid beneath layers of labels and assumptions, facades and fronts." LIKE HOLY SHIT BRO YOURE SUCH A GOOD WRITER WHAT

i just love the entire ray's sister concept, and i realy really really love how you didnt make her all naive and sheltered (esp during the smut) because i love the older brother's best friend au but people always make the reader so embarrassing HAHAHA so i really applaud how you made her confident and even snarky at times. no secondhand embarrassment in this fic!

also the reader's friendship with the other guys is YES 🙌

just total chef's kiss all around, love you cas!

OKAY SEVERAL THINGS BECAUSE I COULD WRITE AN ENTIRE RANT ON THE MAKING OF THIS FIC

1. i adore these long messages. i appreciate you sm <3

2. she’s a fucking masterpiece. i consider myself to be relatively humble but kiss and tell is my magnum opus. i will never beat her and i don’t think i want to.

3. i love writing poetic shit. i love metaphors and imagery. i think my favorite lines are either the entirety of the religious guilt passage (mainly “the taste of unholy desire graced gerard’s tongue, wicked truths and sugar-coated lies having him believe that sin would swallow him whole.” for some reason my best writing is done at ~5:30pm. i love that part. i think about it a lot, actually.) or the five senses passage! (i cant pick favorites here honestly. taste and smell absolutely fuck though, i love those lines. smoke and earth?? tongue and teeth and hands where they’re not supposed to be?? shakespeare could never!)

4. i actually wrote that part with a single stream of consciousness at roughly 1am in my notes app! i also do my best writing in my notes app, and i can’t figure out why.

side note: hearing about people’s favorite parts and when they tell me that they laughed at my jokes is the best feeling ever. i love your asks and comments so so much.

5. yeah, it was a really great request! i forgot to mention in the author’s note and stuff that i changed it to step to be more inclusive, but it’s only mentioned in the beginning. i have a couple half siblings and i’ve always considered them full, so i didn’t make it too obvious throughout the rest of the fic.

going along with being ray’s sister, i wanted to give her a sense of edginess that wasn’t overbearing. i feel like ray gets babied in a lot of fics, and i genuinely hate it. rather than making him all innocent, i gave him the overprotective brother role, and even then, i tried not to make it suffocating. he’s worried about her mixing in with the wrong crowds because he’s an outcast himself. he doesn’t baby her either, and they have a similar dynamic to the ways’, except ray’s a little more protective.

6. i didn’t want her to be naive either! the last thing i wanted was to give myself second-hand embarrassment, much less my readers. just because she’s younger doesn’t mean she hasn’t done the same shit. i don’t really picture her as a virgin with a perfect liver and lungs. fics that make the younger sister all innocent make me uncomfortable tbh; it feels like infantilization, which is frankly, really gross.

7. making the reader witty is my favorite thing to do. i don’t know why readers are never written as confident and sarcastic, and instead defaulted to boring and naive. live a little, make your reader less insufferable!

(now that i’m thinking about it, my favorite part might actually be the banter towards the end—“honey, your brother is gonna kick my ass if i sleep with you.” “baby, you’ve already got one foot in the grave for kissing me, and i’d hate for you to die a virgin.” where did that come from??)

8. i really wanted to highlight the fact that she’s friends with all of them! she’s not the annoying little sister; she’s actually pretty cool. i used the mikey way effect, if you will. frank and the reader have this goofy relationship, similar to their relationship with gerard but very platonic. they’re the kind of friends that would fake an engagement for free dessert.

mikey and the reader are the same age, and both pretty quiet compared to the rest of the group. i didn’t touch too heavily on it, but they’re definitely the kind of friends that can read each other with one look. they lay on his bedroom floor in comfortable silence and listen to music just to escape loneliness. all in all, they’ll do pretty much anything together because they simply love being around the other.

9. CAS. I AM UNWELL. I’VE ALWAYS LOVED NICKNAMES :,))

10. i love you too! thank you for reading and leaving the sweetest messages for me. it makes my day every time!

[alldayangst]

gold rush (Tom Holland)

All of my fics are LGBT and PoC friendly. Inspired by gold rush by Taylor Swift. Everybody wants Tom, but you don’t like a gold rush. WC: 2.7K words. 

“Y/N, I just wanted to say again, thank you for coming in today and doing this for us.” Tom’s dad, Dominic, said as he displaced papers across desks, earl grey swaying like an angry lake in his mug. Approaching footsteps hinted that the star of the show was soon to be hold. In other words, Tom was running behind.

The door creaked and light from the corridor crept through like Sun peeping through curtains of the Night. It refusing to shut after Tom budged and pushed was maybe divine punishment for him being so late, and maybe provided the bit of laughter you needed after rolling out of bed at 6am for this, for him. When the door eventually did close, Tom turned around and saw you in all your glory; much taller than he remembered, more assured than he’d imagined, and more gorgeous than drowned out and half forgotten memories of you could ever fabricate.

You and Tom ran in the same social circles, but hadn’t seen each other since Tom’s career imploded when you were both nineteen. As much as Tom felt he owed his heart and soul to the UK, he maintained an almost permanent fixture on the States. It started to feel like his trips back to England were in fact actual holiday. At one point, you were in love with Tom, but meeting became a constant battle of ‘here, not there’ and your heart grew tired of the duck and goose chase. The gravity of the situation was too much for you, whom hadn’t even tasted their twenties yet. 

“Y/N!” Tom launched at you and held you in tight embrace. You let go of the hug, but he didn’t. And his dad watched on in momentary awe as you wrapped your arms around Tom once again, who breathed in every part of you with unwavering adoration.

“Tom!” You rubbed along his back as he hummed. “When I was told we were gonna have a ghost writer, I had no idea it was gonna be you.”

Tom and his dad (being an author) were collaborating on a book, a million dollar idea that’d been years in the making. Tom had stalled it, his dad told you out of simple insecurity. Now that the world was a stage, he was worried people would criticise his dyslexia with every line he wrote, that every stroke of his pen would reveal him as a rare type of monster that lacked intellect, he pondered that he wasn’t insightful enough in some way. His dad may have written a book about Tom outfaming him, but Tom felt like he’d always live in Dom’s shadow in this respect. Fresh from Oxford with an English Bachelor’s degree, Dom employed you to get grease on the gears to commence writing. Tom had always come out of his shell when you were around.

Your writing session lasted from 8 til noon, when Tom had promo with LadBible or Entertainment Weekly or whoever had bid the highest from his presence that day.

The door swung open and three men in all black and mics saddled around their waists called for and led Tom out of the room.

“Tom, session’s over. We need to get you to your BBC promo in 30 and we’re already running behind schedule.’ One cloaked Tom in a jacket you were sure was more expensive than your own home and another whispered something into a walkie talkie: “Holland is on the move. Check the back entrance is clear.” With that, Tom rose to his feet and left completely opposite of the way you came in. Without a word, no goodbye.

You and Dom left the building together around ten minutes later, where ten men with large cameras stood, lenses focused on you, glaring at you, not sure what to make of you. One of the men screams “Hey! You dating Tom Holland” and after that all you hear is clicks and all you see is bright flashing lights and Dom clenches your hand and leads you to your taxi cab.

The next time you see Tom is sooner than expected. The Hollands were hosting a last minute dinner party and you found yourself sitting opposite Tom, feeling his hard, hot and heavy gaze on you. The tension in the room was so thick not even a chainsaw cut through.

“Next topic,” You picked up a card from the deck and read it aloud. “Politics!” You said devilishly as you sip on what was left of the white wine in your cup, and now that your thought process is blurred; Tom’s longing gaze puts you at dismay.

“Fuck!” Harry exploded, and you hear their mother hiss. “Fuck I hate politics, there’s no making it out alive!” he remarked as he drummed on the table cloth, drunken excitement brewing a new energy in the room.

You go on like this for hours until dinner party is dinner party no more. And while Dom, Nikki and all of Tom’s siblings have chosen to exit stage left, it’s 1am and you and Tom have yet to leave the scene.

Tom sets down your deck of debate cards in favour of a genuine moment.

“What are you doing these days, Y/N?” Tom’s not looking at you, he’s looking at your knee as he rubs circles on it. You want to look down there too, see what he finds so intriguing; but you decide against it in fear you might spontaneously combust. You don’t know if this moment’s supposed to be intimate or innocent and you’re not sure if you want to find out.

So you put up a wall.

“I should be asking you the same thing, Holland.” You say sarcastically. “What have you been doing these days? I haven’t seen you around.” Your eyebrows scrunched up together but you’ve got a big, idiot grin on your face that’s more than telling. Tom giggles at your facetiousness.

Tom scratches his head in mock thought. He never clocks out, always putting on a show. “I don’t know - uh.” You’re laughing before Tom has even told the punchline, ‘cause I guess anything’s funny when it’s said by the one you love.”I’m kind of -” He snatches an old Spiderman comic off the floor. “I’m kinda doing this acting thing at the moment. Playing, y’know, this guy.”

“Well I wish you better luck in the future.” Tom has stopped rubbing circles but instead places his two hands on your knees as you rock back in laughter.

“I’m serious, Y/N. What do you do now?”

“Um.” You suddenly forgot your entire career as Tom, with no shade of subtlety, stares right into your soul. “I got my degree. I write like little stories, y’know? Have you ever heard of folklore?”

Tom shook his head.

“They’re like these little, old beautiful myths. And I write them for a living. And if I’m lucky, they get published in The Times. If I’m even luckier, I get to work with my old best friend - ” You feel your world stop temporarily as you call Tom your ‘best friend’ and you pause for all of 0.3 seconds to register Tom’s reaction but his face doesn’t flinch. “-Writing a book with him and his dad.” And that makes Tom smile. So he doesn’t have to tell you he missed you, you just know.

‘Undivided appearance’ and ‘undivided attention’ don’t necessarily mean the same thing in Hollywood as they do in real life, and you learn that the hard way in your writing session.

Tom may have been sat right next to you, but he was miles away. He was doing press with Cosmo, who hadn’t stopped tagging him with blue hearts on his Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat stories, causing his phone to go off every two seconds. You looked at the phone and then at him who then got the hint and put it on silent. Then there was a knock on the door. Tom rushed to open it, expecting that Dom had sent down a food delivery to egg you on finishing this chapter. You rehashed his childhood like a million times - in fact, you were part of it - so when it came to writing the parts that hurt, where you took a more supporting role in his life, you needed his help. The fact is, the knock at the door had come from one of Tom’s men (Tom liked to call him Man In Black no. 3) who hadn’t said as much as a ‘hi’ before he made his announcement. “Tom, you’re on the line with Cosmo in 10.” The man stepped back and pulled out his walkie talkie, “Holland knows he’s on the line with Cosmo at 10.” And then continued to pace around the hallway.

Cosmo called as he said they would and you almost felt for. second like tom might enjoy an entertainment magazine’s company more than yours. The interviewer made glaring comments and passive flirts at Tom who just blushed and chuckled and sipped his water like the woman on the phone calling him ‘hot’ was just too much to handle. At one point, she says: “What must it be like to grow up that beautiful, Tom? With your hair falling into place like dominoes.” You’re not expecting it when Tom tilts the phone so you’re in view. “Well I’m with the most beautiful being on Earth right now so..” Tom looks at you as if to ask ‘is this okay?” and you know it’s too late for these kind of questions, because that moment is headline fodder, so you smile not to make him feel bad for opening Pandora’s box. But Tom is merciless and likes to rub salt in the wound. “This is Y/N! Y/N’s helping me write the book with my Dad! We go way back.” He covers his mouth as soon as he says it. “Shit! They’re not supposed to know about the book yet.”

This is the moment, you think, where you believe when they say your first love is the one you never let go.

And you can’t think of anything purer than the love you have for him.

Tom thinks being on land is boring. He likes being strung from chords 30 feet in the air, and drowning in despair through scenes of emotional turmoil. You want to tell him you’re an arrow from Cupid’s bow about to reach him, but you couldn’t recover from the splinters if Tom shut you down. After all, Tom was a gold rush. A treasure that everyone had discovered but nobody owned. How precious is a jewel that anybody could take home with them?

Tom had invited you to a visit to Brighton with him, a city near the coast, for some inspiration on writing his section of the book. 

You accepted. And because you did, you found yourself at the beginning of the end, on Tom’s boat in Brighton. “We don’t have to talk about the book right now.” Tom throws a stack of blue tinted paper on the floor. His dyslexia meant that spelling and reading was so much easier when done on blue pages, and you could only guess that was the reason the body of water around you brought him so much peace. So when you saw that something might compromise your best boy’s happiness, you point it out. To give Tom a little bit of time to exit before things got ugly.

“Tom, I see someone in the bushes.”

“Yeah. It’s a pap.” Tom mumbled nonchalantly. 

“They’re here to get pictures of me,” He turned to face you. “and you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, the fans ship us. Think we’d be a good couple after that Cosmo stunt. We would have been a good couple when we were like, 18.” He laughs.

“Huh, yeah.” You look down.

“The best one around.” And you can’t tell if he’s serious.

You rip off one of his blue sheets. “I’m coming. I got hit with inspo.” And you trail to a different section of the boat. A very obvious click of the camera from a shrub nearby coaxes your pen to write without a second thought, How is he so accustomed to this? Fake private moments, protected by sheer glass curtains?

You scrunched your paper, well his paper, into a ball. 

Your mind had turned his life into folklore. You weren’t sure if that was crossing a line, so you just put the ball into your bag and hide it until he hits you with the spark again.

“Let me see it.” Tom says.

“No.”

“You ran off to write it and won’t let me see it?” 

You held your bag at your hip in defence. “No, Tom. Drop it.” 

Tom’s face drops a little bit, but then he reaches into his own bag and reveals a deck of your debate cards. “I know what will cheer you up, good ol’ Y/N.” He sets a card on the wooden table between you two. 

“Do you believe in a higher power?”

You toyed with the pendant around your neck which revealed your faith. “Do you?”

“I don’t. But I believe in soulmates.”

You look to the left to really ponder on what Tom is saying, and a paparazzis captures another photo of you in the corner of your eye.

“And you don’t think there’s a higher power that manufactures our souls to make our soulmates?”

Tom feigns a scowl. “That’s ridiculous.”

You scoffed. “How very contrarian of you.”

“What the fuck does that mean.”

“It means you contradict yourself, Thomas.” You laugh as he holds his chest in fake hurt.

“Are you implying I’m anything less than perfect?”

“Never.”

Never. Because you didn’t believe that to be true. 

“Good. Cause you’d have to be punished.” Tom picks you up and throws you in the water below before jumping in with you.

On your way home you stop at the yours and Tom’s writing booth, scavenging through your bag to drop off Tom’s notepad, some scrunched up blue and white papers you and Tom thought could still help you write his book. You’d made an addition to your love-hazed scribblings about Tom and reckon you’d die if he found it. You managed to throw the other in the water, excusing yourself with “It’s utterly awful.”, to which you and Tom agreed you wouldn’t throw any more paper in the ocean cause the poor fish already had it hard enough.

You and Tom had a session the next day. Tom was excited for the day, and you could tell because he’d given his phone to one of his big babysitters for the time he had you.

“I think that’s all of yours.” You and Tom made a business out of unscrunching your paper balls to see if they had any useful ideas. You were certain you reached the end of Tom’s. All of his notes had ‘T.H’ written on the back in big and were scribed on blue paper. When it came to your little ‘secret admirer’ notes you weren’t worried - you had an English degree and were quick to think on your feet and was ready to make something up when it came to opening it. 

“No, this one’s mine.” He’s confident, so you let him have it. He goes to pick up your tea and then realises it’s nowhere near warm, and was the one you made for yourself when you crept in yesterday evening. Tom has a smile on his face, and then he doesn’t. Before he goes to read it aloud, his eyes tell you he’s reading it again and again and again. “At dinner parties, I’ll call you out on your contrarian shit, and the coastal towns we wondered round will never see a love as pure as it.”

The look on Tom’s face gives you the splinters. He tries to look at you but you know he can’t. You don’t blame him. You can’t look at him either. “I really thought this was a good friendship.”

You hum and nod your head in agreement, pull your lips into a thin straight line as streaks of tears abandon your eyes. This was worse than Tom rubbing salt in your wounds. He’s rubbing dirt in your painful fucking gashes and you are reminded of why this didn’t work before, why it will never be.

And you wouldn’t dare to dream about him anymore.

Masterlist

Upcoming Works

[greekgrad07]

favorite things about your mutuals? its positivity hour, go!

it would be a fucking honor 😭 i tried to get all my mutuals this time but i’m sure i forgot people. i’m sorry if i did pls don’t hate me 🥺

this is in no particular order btw

marisa (@skaterbeth): my fellow short asthmatic <3 i love you bruh 😭 i remember being nervous to message you at first bc i thought you would find me annoying. now look at us 😌 i can message you without fear bc i know you find me annoying 🤍you’re so talented and beautiful and incredible. i love your enthusiasm and you’re so funny. every time i get a notification that you’ve sent me a meme on instagram i get excited (and idk how but there’s one almost every morning when i wake up. i’m not complaining though)

erica (@skateryue): MY TWIN ILY 🤍🤍🤍 i forgot to tell you this but i took a which female atla character are you quiz and i got yue and thought of you <3 you’re so sweet and supportive and deserve all the love! i’m glad our mutual love of the parent trap, our mbti types, and how we’re both jeff goldblum brought us together lol. the vibes are immaculate 😌

adi (@bitcheusjackson): adi you are so smart. THE TAGS I LEAVE FOR YOU ARE WELL DESERVED! you’re such a good writer and your love of musicals is so cute! i also love getting to be an annabeth simp with you (as we all should). you’re also a talented artist! i know you don’t post a lot of your art but when you do i’m always blown away <3<3<3

fátima (@deepestempathllamalawyer): my adopted child 😌 i love you sm 🥺 you’re so sweet- like seriously, i appreciate every self help posted you tag me in and every cute animals post as well. i absolutely love seeing you in my notifications! you’re also the reason i became a malconnor shipper to thank you 😭🤍 (also i still have no idea wtf your url means but at this point i’m too afraid to ask)

ashna (@silenabeth): fun fact, you were the first “big” pjo blog that followed me and i absolutely lost my shit so there’s that <3 you’re such a talented writer and editor bruh i don’t tell you that enough. also, the queen who brought us connabeth i will forever stan 🤩 you’re so funny and one of the most supportive people ever <3<3<3 (also love all of your call out posts about marisa 😌)

sarah (@perseusjackkson): i told you that you were too cool to be following me and i stand by that. you’re so chill and funny, i vibe with you sm. really, your blog is full of so many different fandom and i vibe with almost all of it. you really made your blog for the people <3 i love reading your tags on the things you repost bc they are usually hilarious. also, i couldn’t be more supportive of your engagement to my twin 🤍

regina (@bisexualzia): regina you’re so sweet and genuine and funny and the fact that you associate me with cookies still makes me 🥰 and idk why. your tag has 🔥 by it and i told you it’s bc of ouat. idk if you get that but it’s my favorite show and one of my favorite characters is named regina so <3 also i’m glad there is someone else that can agree suki is superior 😌

zitz (@four-names): another reason why i ship malconnor <3 lol you send the most random asks and they always make my day! and your tags are everything btw stop hiding them 😂 you’re not afraid to speak your mind and you’re a very genuine person :)

drew (@cubanpercyj): you are so caring and passionate! i love your replies and tags to my posts and i’m glad we agree that percy can’t swim lol. you’re super chill and i vibe with you very much. and i’m sure you’ve heard this a lot but i love your aesthetic. the water header is so pretty <3

kayra (@awkwardteenwriter): you are so sweet! and YES ofc you have a tag bruh. i remember when i first tagged you in a post and you said that it made you happy aljdkhagf i tag you in like everything now i’m sure it gets annoying. you’re one of the most caring people ever though! one of our first interactions was you sending me a virtual hug during a hard time for me and i’ll always be thankful for that 🥺🤍

jaina (@jainadurron): you are so nice. every interaction we’ve had has been nothing but absolutely lovely and i’m glad that you joined the pjo fandom! you like almost all of my posts and i love seeing you in my notifications. also! i forgot to tell you your new avatar is so cute 🥺

haania (@padfootno): i love you and i’m sorry the fic isn’t out yet pls don’t hate me 😭 you’re literally the sweetest and most helpful person ever! i’m so thankful for your help on writing hijabi silena and ever since you’ve been so nice! i also love when you tag me in posts :)

@perca-beths: you give me such good vibes idek how to describe it. also, you’re insanely talented! i found your fic on a03 and when i realized it was you who wrote it i was blown away. anyways you’re awesome and i can’t wait for your next update :)

@percabethica: again, YES you have a tag 😂 you’re so nice! i remember i asked to be on your taglist for your fic and you were so kind. speaking of your fic, i loved it i loved it i loved it! you’re incredibly talented. i always end up seeing your reblogs from me on my dash before seeing it in my notifications and there’s always a second after i notice it where i’m like “omg that’s me. i posted/reblogged something she liked.” also your aesthetic is so pretty, i love it

gray (@bbyannabeth): idk why you’re following me. what do i have to offer? when i tell you i binged your masterlist after you posted it i’m not kidding. you’re so talented and seem so chill. also i just saw that you posted a new fic and bruh, i’m about to create a reblog that has so many tags

@ohmydamgods: i’m not above admitting that i’ve stalked your instagram. your posts are so fucking funny and so are you! i also see people posting your textposts on instagram and i’m always like “*gasp* does she know?” and then i see you’ve commented and it’s all good 😂 also you’re so nice :)

@mydramaticflare: YOU ARE SO TALENTED! when you comment on my fic there’s no time to unpack all of that i lost my shit bc your fic Quiet Moments inspired me to write a percabeth sleepover fic in the first place. also you seem so sweet and you show up in my notifications a lot :)

brin (@skatersuki): first of all, suki supremacy <3, secondly, you’re so smart like wtf. every time you go off about photokinesis and all that i’m like 😐😣😐 also every time i see the book circe by madeline miller i think of you bc you’re the first person who i have seen recommend it

teriza (@wasithard): we haven’t really interacted but we have a lot of the same mutuals so i know you’re cool. lol fr though you do seem very nice and fun and chaotic in the very best way, plus you’re blog is awesome

kayla (@eggplant-avenger): hi kayla :) we met through the connabeth agenda and you are super chill. also i hope that you know whenever i read your tag i hear chris mccarrell’s voice singing ‘being a half-blood, it’s scary, it mostly gets you killed in very nasty ways’

charlotte (@sonofsallyjackson): you are the most supportive person ever. every time i read one of your comments on my fics, my heart swells. you’re too kind for this world <3

taylor (@saltyypercy): another one of my connabeth friends 🤩 speaking of connabeth, your memes are everything! you’re hilarious and your content is awesome

@getwokescullyy: you are such a talented writer!! and you’re so nice and supportive! :) we also have a lot of the same hc’s for post canon percabeth 😌 super excited for your next update btw!

olivia (@thegraystreaks): you are so talented idk why you’re following me. it had to of been a mistake. if, so pls don’t leave 🥺 you’re such a supportive person and seeing you and liz interact is so funny. fr i love your writing sm and i’m obsessed with your url 🤩

aya (@percasbeths): again, WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME? seriously i have some of the most talented writers following me and idk why but i’m not complaining. all of your au’s are beautiful and i’m always blown away <3

@judoflipped: you introduced me to Apartment 305 so i’m pretty sure i owe you a kidney or something now lol. fr though you were so nice to me during our first interaction <3 you’re so sweet and you seem super chill

emma (@jasongrape): first a foremost, a superior url. you’re posts are hilarious, especially the ones of you and ash going back and forth lol.

@clr-stan: we haven’t interacted much but your posts are so good!! and you seem super sweet :) also, you’re right. if the pjo movies weren’t based on the books i would have been invested

@writinglettersaddressedtothefire: i’m pretty sure you’re also a mutual of fátima’s which makes you awesome. plus your writing is so good! also i see that you’re having a great time with taylor’s new album coming out so i’m glad you seem to be doing good 😂

lexi (@multifandom-420): one of the other three malconnor shippers on this cite 😭 you seem so sweet and your posts are top tier

@esistkeinponyhof: you are literally always in my notifications and it’s so fun lol. we’ve never really interacted but i’m glad that you like my blog :) also you’re a fellow directioner which is amazing 😌

@himbolin420: how does it feel to have a canon url? apart of the bolin defense squad and connabeth nation? we have no choice but to stan <3 i remember you kept a count for all of your mutuals when i first followed you and i thought that was absolutely precious lol

@twilight-hours: you’re in my notifications a lot and i'm not complaining. lol you always reblog the funniest stuff and i love seeing it on my dash. i know we haven't really interacted but i know we would vibe 

[vmheadquarters]

We’re still playing our game of written hot potato! Dozens of your favorite authors are taking turns to tell a Veronica Mars mystery story. Each writer crafts their chapter and then “tosses” the story to the next person to continue the tale. No one knows what will happen, so expect the unexpected!

Follow the “vmhq presents” and “murder we wrote” tags for all the installments, or read the story as it develops on AO3. — Chapter Sixteen of MURDER, WE WROTE is written by @theshortywrites​. And stayed tuned next week for Ch.17 from @iimdestinyfreereally​ ​ -tag, you’re it!

—————————————————————————————————— CHAPTER SIXTEEN by @theshortywrites​

Veronica stared at her friend, jaw slack with disbelief, for a beat too long--because the next thing she knew, Logan was snapping the fingers of his free hand in front of her face.

“Earth to Mars. Veronica! Come on, Veronica. We can figure it out later. Right now, we need to get back to the house and get Mac looked over before she passes out again.” Veronica shook her head, clearing the cobwebs from her brain before pulling Mac's free arm over her shoulder.

They started the slow trek back to the mansion, Mac tucked unevenly between them, and they had to stop twice because Mac got too nauseated to keep going. Veronica remained quiet, turning Mac’s words over and over in her head. Fresh snow drifted cold and bright from the sky and covered the trail they followed; it slowed them down even more than having to mostly carry a grown woman, who sported, if Veronica had to guess, a pretty significant concussion.

It took longer than she originally expected to see the lights of the mansion begin to glitter in the distance. In some unspoken agreement, the three friends sped up as the trail thinned and the clearing to the house came into view.

“OOF.” Veronica fell, then couldn't stop the short string of curses that followed as her hand came into painfully sharp contact with the ground. The jolt was quickly overshadowed by the throbbing ache of her rapidly-swelling ankle.

“Ugh.” She heard the shuffle of feet and the rustle of clothes as Logan and Mac tried to avoid falling along with her...or, worse, on her.

“Bond?” Mac's voice was muffled with unmistakable pain. “You okay?”

“Hang on, V.” Logan interjected before she had a chance to respond. “We're close enough to the house, I can get help.” Without waiting for a response, he turned back toward the clearing and released a series of shrill whistles.

Mac winced.

“Sorry.” He at least looked a little sheepish as he apologized. “Guess I could have warned you to cover your ears.”

Before either of them could respond, there was a rustling through the snow in front of them.

“Dude!” Dick's voice echoed off the snow and trees around them. “You rang?” Wallace's head poked out from behind the taller man.

“Veronica's hurt.” Logan’s response was calm, but his eyes were a little wild when he turned his head towards the fallen blonde. “Help Mac back to the house. I'll help V.”

Dick stepped in, swiftly taking Logan's spot under Mac's right arm. “Alright, Mac-a-roni. Let's get you back inside and looking a little less like the Walking Dead. Though, can’t say it isn't working for me.”

Wallace smacked Dick's arm from his spot on Mac's left, at the same time Mac groaned out a halfhearted, “Never gonna happen, Dick.”

Logan knelt beside Veronica, still holding herself above the level of the snow on painful hands. “Think you can stand?”

Veronica tested her ankle, tried to lift her foot from the unusually soft ground beneath it. The sharp bite of pain that immediately shot up her leg brought tears to her eyes. She shook her head and huffed out a breath, afraid of what her voice would betray if she tried to speak.

“Shhhhh, it's okay. I've got you, Veronica.” Logan's hand smoothed across her hair and down her back, pressing and prodding as he checked for any other injuries. “Right leg or left?”

“Left ankle.” Veronica hated how watery her voice sounded, but she didn't have time to dwell on that as Logan's hands swept down her thighs towards her feet. Wish this wasn't a pseudo-medical exam in the middle of a snowstorm, while stuck on an isolated murder island. Then I could actually enjoy this. Those thoughts flew from her mind as Logan's hand reached her swollen ankle, wrenching a cry from her lips.

“Sorry, sorry. I need to make sure nothing is broken or unstable before I try to move you.” He sounded genuinely upset that he’d hurt her, but continued, his voice turning wry and the slightest bit ashamed. “If not… let’s just say that's an almost unbearable amount of pain.”

Veronica grunted an affirmation, adding yet another thing to their ‘talk about once were not imminently dead’ list; resigned herself to huffing and hissing her responses as her ex-current-boyfriend-fling-soulmate-now-nursemaid poked and prodded her swollen flesh tenderly.

“Alright. I can't pick you up like this without jarring your ankle. We need to turn you over. I'm going to support your ankle while you turn, then I can pick you up bridal-style, and we can get back inside before hypothermia actually sets in.” Logan's hands wrapped around her ankle, providing warmth and stability she didn't realize she was missing until right then. “I'm ready when you are.”

One deep breath, and Veronica turned as carefully as she could; desperately, she resisted the scream of pain fighting its way out of her as she pressed against bruised and tattered hands, pulling against muscles already battered and sore from her fall yesterday. She tried to keep her leg as still as possible. Once her left hip hit the ground, she collapsed into the snowdrift, only to have Logan scoop her up before the snow could melt against her face. She brought her arms up to grip his shoulders as he fumbled a bit to find his footing.

“Shit, I'm sorry, sugarpuss. Let's get you inside.” Once he found his balance with the extra weight clinging to his front, Logan practically ran out into the clearing and around the house.

Wallace was waiting for them, opening the door as Logan climbed the stairs carefully. “Dick is taking care of Mac. He's surprisingly knowledgeable about first aid. One too many surfing accidents, I guess. They’re in the servants’ quarters off the kitchen, if you want to head that way. They have the whole kit in there.”

The trio made quick work of weaving between the mattresses still strewn across the floor, dodging people and questions and everything not immediately necessary to the much-needed first-aid quest. What they found when the door to the hidden room slid open was nothing like they expected. Dick sat on the floor with his back against a bed, his head drooping to the side in an obviously deep sleep. Mac was sleeping equally hard, a row of neat butterfly bandages across her forehead and her hand caught in Dick’s hair, smushed between his shoulder and cheek.

Logan looked between the two, then tilted his head towards the first-aid kit. Half of it was strewn across the floor. “Grab stuff for a sprain or break from that, please, Wallace. We'll… figure out what this is all about later. Let's find some place private where we won't disturb these two. They obviously need the sleep.”

Wallace led the way, Logan close behind, still carrying Veronica against his chest without breaking a sweat. They slipped out the back of the kitchen, moving away from the living room where most of the others were gathered, until they found the small library. “This okay?” Wallace asked, gesturing to the loveseat and two high-back chairs with ottomans.

Logan didn’t wait for a response. Instead, he crossed the room and lay Veronica carefully onto the loveseat, leaving her ankle propped up on the armrest before arranging the throw pillows behind her head. When she tried to sit up, he pressed her back down. “You have to rest. Wallace and I will clean you up.”

Veronica couldn’t help but shoot a glare at her ex-current-boyfriend-fling-soulmate-nursemaid, fighting the pressure of his hand for only a moment before relaxing back against the pillows in exhaustion. “Fine.”

“You mind taking a look at her ankle, Wallace? You probably have more experience with sprained ankles than I do, given your illustrious basketball career. I’ll get her hands cleaned up.” The men got to work, Veronica occasionally hissing and groaning in pain as they worked. When all was said and done, she had an ice pack tied around her rapidly-bruising ankle, and a gauze mitt around her right hand to protect the deepest of the cuts from her fall.

“Here, take these.” Logan ripped open a small white package, offering three little brown pills. “Ibuprofen. Should help with the pain.” Veronica grabbed the meds; she swallowed them down quickly with a bottle of water that seemed to appear out of thin air. Had she passed out at some point?

“Something’s not right.” Veronica mumbled.

Wallace looked at her skeptically from where he’d settled into one of the wingback chairs; his legs were crossed and propped on the ottoman in a posture far more relaxed than the token-black-man in a horror story should display. “You mean… other than being stuck on murder island with a hidden killer, who seems intent on maiming or killing most, if not all of us? With you being the main target, and now dealing with a concussion, a sprained ankle, and more scrapes and bruises than I want to think about? What could be wrong about that, V? Isn’t this just how our lives go?”

Veronica’s eyelids, heavy with the unavoidable sleep that always follows adrenaline letdown, fluttered as she shook her head. “Not that. Well. That, but not just that.”

“What else isn’t right, Veronica?” Logan prodded, knowing they needed to get it out of her before she fell asleep and likely forgot everything.

“Can’t be Lilly. She’s dead… or she’s… two? Too. Too tiny to kill. Maybe Mac just saw a tiny blonde? Lotsa tiny blonde chicks that probably want me dead, especially… connected to Logan.”

Logan squawked indignantly from his spot on the floor beside the loveseat, where Veronica’s non-bandaged hand lay over his shoulder, pressed against his chest. She patted him groggily. “…is k,” she slurred, fading quickly into sleep. “You have a type. Me, but less fabulous. Still love you.”

Logan shook his head, turning it just enough to press a soft kiss against her forearm. When Veronica’s breath evened out into sleep, he shared a worried look with Wallace. Then they both closed their eyes and followed V into the darkness, oblivious to the shadow creeping along the library wall, and sneaking out the still-opened door.

[clowdydrecms]

oh i forgot i literally wrote up three new muses a while ago and like...never did anything with them. so yeah while i work on adding these lil shit’s to my theme check under the cut for a little run down on my new guys !

grey williams // twenty four // trust fund baby // thomas doherty 

grey is actually orion’s half brother, their father cheated on orion’s mother with their maid - grey’s mother. when he found out that he’d gotten her pregnant their father fired his mother ( though he did offer her a significant severance package of over a million dollars under the condition that they move out of nyc and never tell his new wife of his indiscretion ) when grey’s mom left nyc she wasn’t aware that his wife was also pregnant with a boy until they both gave birth thousands of miles apart on the same day. may 7, 1997 orion’s mom went into labor naturally and grey’s mom had to get a c-section because of a medical emergency, ry’s mom had support and love and grey’s mom gave birth, all alone with nobody there to help her. grey stayed in the NICU for 3 months and for a while the doctors didn’t think he’d make it. grey has always wondered why his mother never dated and always looked so sad, she suffered severely from postpartum depression and grey spent a lot of time with his aunt and uncle who more or less raised him. he learned pretty early on not to ask about his father because it would lead to big emotional displays and grey has never been the biggest fan of feelings. he’s a very logical person, he’s very blunt and straightforward. he’s never really had to try hard at anything, never worried about his future or had many plans for his life beyond doing whatever the hell he wanted. he’s got a bit of a coke problem and loves drinking. 

cedrick hemingway // thirty one // writer - focus on dark fiction and poetry he’s this generations ‘edgar allan poe’ // matthew daddario

cedrick and freddie grew up with a deep love of literature, they were the kids who would write stories for each other and slide them under the other’s door. their mother loved to tell them that their love of books rand in their blood, they were descended from ernest hemingway afterall. cedrick loves poetry and dark twisted stories, after the murder of his mother that love only intensified. he’d write stories of how he thought the killer found their mom and what might have happened while they were together. he doesn’t talk about that part of his life really. he’s sarcastic, selfish, hot headed, forgetful and tbh has a terrible drinking problem but thinks that he can’t stop or he’ll lose his ‘muse’. rick is the kind of guy that’d go out of his way to help you, tbh probably sugars a few girls because he’s not the best at forming organic connections and the idea of paying someone to hang out with him is a lot less intimidating than hoping that someone will genuinely like you for who you are. 

micah zamora // twenty seven // architect // keith powers

the zamora men are notorious for being, well kind of trash. micah is no exception to the rules, while maman spends all of her time with the girls teaching them yoruba and etc papa is the one who raised the boys. they’d spend their time in the church with him, listening to his sermons and watching women fall at his feet. papa was the kind of man who taught his sons how to well, be just like him. so for a while micah thought he’d go into seminary school but after middle school he had to be honest and tell pop that he wasn’t sure if he even believed in god. that was a blowup of epic proportions but i digress. micah is more of the romantic, sweep you off your feet kind of player. the one who opens door for you, brings your mom flowers and telling you that you’re his ideal wife all the while you never know that he’s doing the same thing for like, three other women. he’s energetic, funny, kind, generous, thoughtful and bc he was raised around so many women he genuinely does care about them and their well being unlike some of my shitheads. 

[leviathiane]

SHOW US YOUR WROR RAW UNPROCESSED WHOLE GRAIN ORGANIC NOTES

this is going to be a long-ass post i am so sorry to Everyone! i take a lot of notes.

So, as You specifically know (as well as all of my lovely Soggers) I take a LOT of notes. Obsessively. I write fucking everything bc i have very little memory and very much paranoia. This results in literal Piles of notes. Raw planning, on paper, on my phone– doodles of scenes im brainstorming, bulletpoints, entire SCRIPTS– it’s all there but scattered (I’ve got scenes planned in the margins of my goddamn anthropology notes and deciphering it was a NIGHTMARE) 

I won’t even upload all the photos of my writing notebook, because itd be like 50 pages of illegible nonesense. but heres a couple of planning phase pages. (may be hard to read, I dropped this notebook both into some tidepools, into a creek on campus, and accidentally leaked my waterbottle onto it in my backpack :/) 

if you can’t tell already, yes they all look exactly like this. Some are even more illegible, because I wrote them with the notebook half under my actual class notes. Because i wrote most of them in class. During lectures. And pretending very badly that i was not doing exactly that. (pay attention in class please i got away with this bc i was filling up elective units) 

I’m also flat out MISSING a large portion of my notes bc some of it? isnt even in the damn notebook. its on a sheet of binder paper, or on the empty back of an assignment. I’ve now lost most of those notes, but the ones i do still have are just as (even more, actually) indecipherable chicken scratch: 

Wow, how clean and tidy and easy to follow! i am in hell. 

and this doesnt mention the PAGES and PAGES of outlines that are on my laptop, and the pages of outlined scenes that are on the notes app of my phone. if i put them all, you would have entire chapter spoilers up to the very end of the story so i cant post a lot of them– and also theres just a goddamn lot of them. currently i have 16 pages of outlining. There are no spacing breaks. It is a solid 16 page block of text. Looking at it gives me a migraine. 

some assorted notes which i have dredged up from the deleted parts of the main draft google doc go all the way back to when i started Wror in June and they are Barely more readable than my handwriting on sheer account of: articulation is not my strength. These include: 

“Ch 8 plan: sabo gets trained specially, awakens his armament haki, beats ace in a bunch of spars and proves himself to be anything but vulnerable. The boys are like “we fucking recognize that technique ryu taught you before us!!” and goad ryu into finally starting them both on basic haki training, just to awaken it, since sabo already has. Also this is the chapter that ace finally confronts ryu for his devil fruit after ryu confirms that some devil fruit users can’t be hurt without haki and ace immediately catches onto that and tries to slam his pipe through ryus head. It doesn’t work, ryu catches the weapon with a haki covered hand, to avoid turning to flame with hit and ace just gets frustrated and accuses ryu of hiding his devil fruit, because he remembers what he saw in grey terminal and that now that he has seen haki he can distinguish it from what he saw and he’s sure no one could do what ryu did. He calls ryu a hypocrite for coddling them even after telling them to stop coddling sabo and ryu has to sit them down and explain that yes he does have powers and he has been hdiing it and explains his reasoning. However instead of understanding th eboys just get fired up and say they don’t wnt to be scared of fire, especially not when it means ryu isn’t taking them seriously in a spar. Ryu finally agrees to start them on desensitization training for fire trauma. Fire desensitization training happens on the beach, so that they have water nearby in case things get out of hand. At some point ace gives ryu a considering look and is just like “if you have a devil fruit that means you can’t swim either right?” and ryu is basically just like “lmao yeah” and then ace immediately attempts to drown him. Lots of murder attempts in ace’s department toget his older brother to be less of an idiot with little success lol(extra: ace tried to attack ryu earlier both to confirm that ryu has a devil fruit that would force him to use haki to hide it, and because he now knows that he CAN’T hurt ryu without haki and as thus can’t beat him and make him admit he’s awake without being good at haki.)” [chapter 8] 

“Small sabo lost his hat and goggles in the incident and while he doesn’t remember having them future sabo notices he looks uncomfortable and keeps touching his hair and head. Ace yells at him for it thinking he bandaging are bothering him and that he can’t touch them but little sabo just comments that something about it feels wrong. Luffy blurts our that he had a hat, like luffy does, But he doesn’t now ace begrudgingly mentions that they can’t get a new one in town. Future sabo doesn’t even hesitate and just plops his own hat onto his younger selves head. It clearly too big for him, and almost falls over his eyes but he grins up at future sabo and is like “wow!! Thank you! I’ll take care of it till I have one of my own” and creates a paradox like Luffys own hat. The footsteps younger sabo has yet to fill. This HAS to happen AFTER the talk where they explain that future and past sabo are both the same person, to give little sabo that pressure.” [chapter 9]

“(Right after this older sabo takes them down to the ocean so that they can play a little and desensitize themselves and immediately fucks himself over when he goes weak in the water bc he somehow fucking forgot his own devil fruit again and now even younger sabo is on his case about not letting him near the fucking ocean that little goddamn HYPOCRITE—) )” [for chapter 9]

“Ch 9 plan: they finally leave dawn island. Starts with the boys getting a haircut after training and luffy mentions how long it’s been since they’ve last needed a haircut, giving sabo and ace time to point out that it’s been 2 months now since ryu joined them, and that sabo was completely healed by now. The boys are now aware of the basics of haki, and while luffy hasnt awakened either yet ace and sabo both have a little bit of weak armament haki. (sabo won’t awaken observational haki until he gets his memories back) ryu tries to sneak off into the city to steal a boat but his brothers refuse to leave him behind and keep sneaking out after him, not wanting him to go alone and saying that since he’s been training them they’re clearly stronger and he needs to let them do this. Ryu eventually just lets it go because why the fuck not it’s a dream and they make him feel better. They get the boat out on open ocean and finally fucking sail out, cheering loudly, ryu struggling to make them all calm down but also not really trying. He’s happy as shit, and they’re all so excited and happy and sabo dips a hand into the waves and then smiles so fucking wide and tackles ryu so violently they both nearly tip into the water and it’s just very very good. “ [also for ch 9] 

** I flat out dont Have any outlining from before chapter 6, because i only started actually outling chapters after that. i tend to just sit down and Write up until i hit a plot point or writers block and then am forced to actually think it through and plan rather than letting it come naturally. thats also why the quality and editing is better in later chapters despite everything being written within the same time frame. 

besides entire chapter outlines, there are the scene specific phone notes like:

“(ADDED) Right after they leave dawn, when sabo is sure they’ve gotten enough of a head start, he calls Garp. He doesn’t say who he is, but that all of the boys are safe and happy with him and has them all talk into the phone to assure him that they’re fine. Garp is honestly just pissed off he doesn’t know who’s calling and when he asks sabo just laughs and says a disobedient brat before hanging up. “

“(ADDED) TO EXPAND ON CH 3: sabo gets offered the chance to go with dragon, and he hesitates on the offer to go through with his previous life with the family he’s made in the revolutionary again. He almost agrees, because the bought of losing them in this lifetime is near excruciating but reminds himself swiftly that it’s no place for his brothers and not what they’d really want, and he wants selfishly to be with them as long as he Can until he “inevitably” wakes up. The boys are visibly relieved by this, especially ace. (Sabo gets asked who he is by dragon, who wants to know more about the stranger with his son, but dragon has always been quicker to make connections no one guessed and he just smiled knowingly at sabo and tells him he’s sure the other will have no trouble finding them if he’s in need. Sabo in turn warns him to keep Kuma close, and to look for a slave girl named koala.)”

I have…. many of these. I have Many of Everything. 

finally, i have scene doodles. if i hit a bad writers block it usually helps me to sketch scenes or the character designs to regain my grip on what the hell is happening in the plot– Breach of Intention has character design sketches, pakcbond has MANY scene sketches, even some of my nsfw has some sketches. my wror skecthes arent Good of course, I am an art teacher for children and that means i am more often explaining the color wheel and brush techniques over drawing perfect human replicas– and i just dont really make a lot of fanart? ive never drawn sabo before but i sure have a bunch now. i wont include close ups because they genuinely suck but heres an example pic 

So… yeah thats about everything. this is a VERY long post and yet i only included like maybe ¼ or 1/5 of all the notes i have dbskhjgfkjadns lmk if anyone wants more (or notes for my Other stories, which contain NO WHERE the same absurd amount of shit that wror does.)

[battlestar-royco]

Same Anon. Oh man, I completely forgot about the Goodreads thing! Honestly, you'd think authors like her and Anne Rice would know that criticism doesn't have to be a bad thing and learn to accept it. I've never heard of her political views, but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it was true either.

Yeah I mean given that the protagonist is literally named America, I…. inslslslslflg; I should’ve known. I’ve always found it very bizarre that some authors don’t know how to take criticism because a huuuuuge part of writing is humbling yourself and listening to feedback so you can become better. I’ve taken many classes where you literally just get silently grilled on your writing by the rest of your class for an entire hour or two. It’s not to toughen your skin or insult you; it’s to make sure you’re listening to people who genuinely want to help you and can offer a more distanced opinion. Afterward, it’s up to your own judgment to do what you want with the feedback, but generally, rejecting most of the criticism and being defensive is not the right response. That’s probably why I believe in death of the author so much. The intent of the author’s writing doesn’t matter if the reader gets something completely different out of what was written. If an author has to explain their meaning with thousands of words of meta on their own writing—as I’ve seen a few authors do before, none of them well—then maybe they weren’t that good of a writer in the first place.

There is a difference between editorial criticism, a negative review, and a hateful review. I feel like a crone saying this, but I read the review in question when the reviewer first posted it, and it’s still up on the first page of the book’s GR site. It was nowhere near hateful. I understand the impulse to defend oneself against negative reviews or people who you feel misinterpret your work, but I’ve been in fandom, YA circles, monitoring publishing, and reading up on archived fandom drama and discrimination for more than half my life at this point. Literally every single instance I have seen an author lash out at/make fun of/gaslight their readers, try to defend a bad writing decision, and/or write meta on their own work, it ends up badly for the author. The meta/defensive tweets/Tumblr post etc backs the author into an even smaller corner, and readers continue to pick apart the NEW thing they wrote, so the problem spawns. If they trash talk a reader, it’s even worse because those screenshots are forever babe, and the author looks like an asshole for talking shit about someone who spent time and money on their book. Even if an author tries to make a joke out of readers’ behavior, readers could still take offense and interpret it as the author making fun of fans with major respect and love for the author’s work. Imo, the most diplomatic and mature (and tbh, accepted) response is to take the L. If you don’t agree with the criticism, you can be the bigger person by not responding; if you think the critics are onto something, you can publicly apologize or acknowledge them and/or try to do better in your next work.

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

Was SoKai forced? A look into the issues surrounding the pair

I want to preface this with while I have done some writing and scripting classes, I am in no way the next James Cameron or whatever. I’m just a girl giving her opinion.

To determine whether SoKai was forced or not, I think two aspects need to be looked into. One, was there implications that the pairing would occur throughout the series or was it a last minute ‘match the remainders’ type ditch? And secondly, was the development there to expect this outcome?

I think we can all agree that the answer to the first question is a clear yes, there were signs from the first part of the first game that the game developers intended SoKai to be cannon and impliedly end game. I’m not here to argue that because whether I ship it or not, I don’t think it is arguable. The second question is where the topic gets more tricky. 

In my honest opinion, SoKai has the potential to be a great love story, but the writing makes it fall short. To me personally, even though I ship both, the reason SoKai feels less natural than SoRiku is because a lot of things that feel like they are vital for growth and really establishing the relationship as more than a crush happen off screen and/or are quickly glossed over. A large part of this has to do with the developers giving Kairi the short end of the stick and keeping her in the whole ‘damsel in distress’ stereotype in general to be honest. 

With SoRiku, we get emotional moments of “I looked everywhere for you” and Riku literally stepping in front of a bunch of heartless that just ‘killed’ their friends to protect Sora while telling him that Riku doesn’t believe that Sora believes that Sora is useless. We also get small fun little moments like Sora saying he needs to call Riku to tell him about something that reminded Sora of him. Hell, we even had Riku call Sora’s name and Sora randomly show up when there was no reason to believe Sora would show up in KH3. Like that’s some gay shit right there. 

When it comes to SoKai, in my opinion, because Kairi as a character is paid dirt, we also miss out on moments as deep as SoRiku have had. Sure, we had Sora begging for Kairi’s life in KH2 and the letters Kairi writes to Sora/for herself, but a lot of these moments lack the communication that the SoRiku moments have. Like when Riku jumped in front of those heartless, we get Sora’s shocked (and in my opinion somewhat guilty) reaction as he realises Riku is still there and willing to give up everything because he believes in Sora. Likewise, we see the guilt in Riku when he realises the pain he caused Sora. In comparison, when we do get SoKai moments together, a lot of it is a hug/glance before moving on. And the sad thing is that I feel like we did have these deeper moments at the start of the game. Little things like Kairi telling Sora she has concerns over how Riku was behaving and her half joking about just the two of them taking the raft and going felt like it was building up a proper, long lasting romantic relationship over just a crush.

But at some point, it personally feels like the writers just went “well, we’ve told them they want to share a paopu fruit, we don’t need to do any more to develop the relationship” and forgot that people change, relationship change and time doesn’t stand still for anyone (yes this is meant to be ironic given Kairi was sent to a place with no concept of time in KH3). From my understanding, with the exception of Birth By Sleep, the whole Kingdom Hearts franchise is meant to take place give or take during the period of SoKai being 13 - 15. While I obviously cannot talk for everyone, in that time period of my life romantically I dated the boy I liked for most my childhood and thought I was going to marry for a year, broke up with him, dated another two people shortly and had a crush on another person. And hey, maybe I’m a ho, but the point still stands that a lot happens in that time without the ptsd inducing shit these two went through and 15/16 year old me was a vastly different person than 13 year old me. And that’s fine, it doesn’t mean that Sora and Kairi can’t be childhood sweethearts. But I want to see that the way they have changed still compliments each other and that it’s not just them relying on nostalgia and conversations we’re supposed to assume happened. 

And that is the predominate issue I have with Kairi’s arc in KH3. After (from memory) not having an on screen discussion with Sora after KH2 about how things have changed/how they feel (specifically a response from him about the letter she wrote) and where they stand, she’s chucked into a situation where she doesn’t even interact with Sora (or anyone outside Axel) directly for most the game. The worst part about it is that especially in KH3, there are some moments where it literally feels like it’d make more sense for Sora to talk to Kairi than the other characters. Sora feeling frustrated at having to start again and feeling weaker than the others? Sounds a lot like how Kairi would feel being at the start of her journey. Sora’s feelings on Roxas? Probably a good match for Kairi’s feelings about Namine. Like there’s so many intimate things that could help establish them as a couple and make them closer. Instead, the first proper interaction SoKai has leads up to the point I’m sure most shippers have waited for where Kairi pulls out the paopu fruit... and Sora is surprised? Like my dude, you may die tomorrow and you’re shocked and need it explained to you that the love of your life wants to be a part of your life forever? It’s just so awkwardly written and once again in my opinion underdeveloped given the lack of on screen interaction since KH2 before that. The conversation then moves towards them both talking about protecting each other and I was like ‘Yes! Finally some communication about how they feel!’. I want to preface that part that while I would have adored for Kairi to be a kickass keyblade welding badass who slammed Xehanort down herself, I do not need that in a female character for me to love her. What bugs me is that in this game’s trailers and with how the place without magic works, it heavily implied that Kairi was going to be a ‘stronger’ character than ever in the physical sense, but her character doesn’t even feel like a step up from KH2. Don’t get me wrong, I think the “Kairi is Sora’s light” scene was done very well just like her transforming him back in the first game and is a good way to show rather than tell us that they have a strong connection, and once again, I do not need her to be physically strong to like her, but advertising that she is going to be physically stronger then having her fall into the same ‘damsel in distress’ trope was disappointing. Like I could even understand her having to die, but at least have Saix or Xehanort pull a dirty move on one of the others and her dying trying to defend them or Xehanort making her fight rather than just smashing her into pieces. Also, this has nothing to do with SoKai, but the fact that Kairi’s murderer got to go to heaven within the hour that he murdered her was wack af tbh.

And then we get to the ending. And I get at this point, ya’ll probably saying “God this grinch ass prick really just wants to rip everything apart, why can’t she just say she hates KH3 and go?” but I don’t care. This ending was literally the biggest let down to the Kingdom Hearts fandom in general, but especially SoKai shippers in my opinion. Before you go breathing down my neck about me not liking bittersweet endings, that’s not the issue. The issue is that once again, SoKai had a chance to have a big emotional moment and potentially growth along with us as viewers getting some clarity over what happened, but instead, they just brushed it over with the only explanation being a vague “You may not come back” from Mickey. And I’m sorry, I’m not taking ‘there wasn’t enough time/space on the disk’ as an excuse when we had to fight Xehanort multiple times and when the Keyblade Graveyard felt as dragged out as it did. Also, once again not SoKai related, but it still feels out of character that Riku just allowed Sora to go alone like that given how much he loves both Sora and Kairi. Likewise, him and the others letting Kairi cry alone in the ending frustrated me to no end. 

But here’s the thing; even if it doesn’t fully fix everything, the developers could have done one little thing to place importance on SoKai’s relationship. All it would have taken was an extra scene where Kairi says something like “Given we shared the papou fruit, I am the only one who can find Sora/his soul” and either 1. (and preferably tbh) sent her instead of Riku to find him or 2. If they really wanted to include Riku, have Kairi go along with him. Or hey, better yet 3. Have Riku be the one who died instead and have it end with Sora going to leave and then Kairi showing up saying she refuses to be left behind because Riku was her friend too and have Kingdom Hearts 4 (or whatever title is coming next) have them as teammates and switchable playable characters. Because power couple teaming up to find their best friend? Count me in.

Anyway, this is turning into a “Why KH3 was a disappointment story wise” post, but to answer the original question, no, I don’t think SoKai was forced. However, I also don’t think that the writers have really put the time, effort and development into the relationship that it really deserves given it is meant to be the main cannon end game ship, much as Kairi does not as the original main female. Given that SoRiku does get that attention, it often feels like SoKai (and platonically RiKai but that’s a discussion for another day) pales a lot. So while I never thought SoRiku would be cannon, I can understand the arguments that SoKai feels less genuine and heteronormative given the difference in development. And I hate saying because like I said, I could see SoKai being one of the great love stories if written well. 

Given SoKai is still set to be end game, my hope is that in future games we get this development and SoKai and Kairi as an individual gets the chance to shine the way main cannon ships and characters deserve. But I guess all we can do is wait and see.

[unclesamwilson]

this is a list of things i liked and didn’t like about endgame which i wrote the morning after i saw endgame

STUFF I LIKED

- falcon cap

- ant man!!! what a blessing. he was v funny i laughed so much it was so refreshing. 

- gamora and nebula!!!! what a surprise and what a genuine pleasure that marvel continues to impress me with this sister relationship!!!!!!!!

- i kiiiind of liked bruce. i thought his character was pretty believable. like his blase attitude ... considering he’s never been known for his strength of will, and he’s been through so much shit, i believed that was *a* way he might handle this shitty situation. bruce and the hulk are both known to run away from problems, and he definitely didn’t do that this time, which was nice. but we also never got to see a true The Incredible Hulk moment which was a downer :/

- the whole sequence in 2012 new york. loved the the cap v cap fight. america’s ass was one of the moments that i was like “is this a crackfic”. thor reviving tony with mjolnir?? also loki just picking up the tesseract and bouncing was completely hysterical to me

- f a l c o n c a p

- the final battle! that was so much fun. i cried when sam said “on your left,” don’t even. and then when the wakandans walked through the portal with the sunset, my cinematic heart grew two sizes, like god, avengers movies never really impress me visually but when they do they do, right???

- VALKYRIES PEGASUS

- CAP USING MJOLNIR

- loved captain marvel

- spider-man being precious and also badass AND THE IRON SPIDWR BYE

- although it meant all my fav characters got sidelined for basically the whole movie, i appreciated the focus on the original avengers. i’m a sucker for a plot that comes full circle, and i’m a sucker for parallels, and also—this movie was SO much more focused, streamlined, and coherent than infinity war; it wasn’t busy or exhausting like it could have been. the addition of ant-man and a couple guardians was appropriate and they were some of the best characters so ... nice.

- “is that everyone?” “what, you wanted more?” Cue me, to my husband sitting next to me in the theater, “uh YEAH i wanted more, she’s still not BACK YET” boy i was so heated when carol just left for the whole movie but when she came back it was so worth it

- the opening with hawkeye was cute, his daughter was cute. i think i pissed off the stranger next to me in the theater because like 3 seconds into that scene (and the movie) i whispered “oh she is gonna be dust” and my husband snorted and the guy made some huffy noises and i was sitting there thinking “it wasn’t a spoiler it was common sense lol”

- at the end steve started to get emotional with bucky and i knew he was about to be a Bastard registered trademark, and i turned to ads and said “when hulk tries to bring him back it’s just gonna be the shield” which i think would have been very cool visually and all and it would be clear that steve just went to a new timeline, right? but i was so thrilled by his convo with sam ... they were so precious ........ that was worth it.

- (i didn’t HATE steve’s ending. it felt kind of tacked on and unnecessarily complicated, but it was also the obvious Happy Ending that they’ve been hinting at for like 8 movies with cap. the writers talked their way around their own definitions of time travel a little too much to make it work lol... but it was a very kind ending for steve, sam, bucky, and AU peggy.)

- f a l c o n c a p

- OH FUCK!!!! SAM AND BUCKY AT THE FUNERAL!!!! AHAHAHAHAHA

- actually everyone at the funeral was touching. i was touched. (and sam and bucky were TOUCHING *eyes emoji*.) pepper is v precious and Happy talking to peppers daughter made me WEEP. i mean, now i have to live in a world where tony stark is some kind of barfy fanboy messiah, but like how is that different than before l o l

- i kiiinda liked the one “girl power” thing in the final battle? mostly because i like all those characters, and i like seeing them work together. i always like seeing women work together. but it was also sooooooo hokey and like ... a bit pandering. i just want to tell the writers/producers “you don’t get to claim women’s rights after the last 12 garbage years ok” (and also after throwing ANOTHER woman in the soul stone pit fjdkfjg) 

- the avengers dynamic for a lot of this movie was, finally, a team dynamic, and they worked together and at times even had fun together and it was so much more fun to watch than the last ....... every avengers movie including civil war. i mean, it wasn’t perfect throughout. and also tony was a huge douche canoe for awhile, but hey, in the end he wasn’t a bad teammate and also i never have to watch him again

STUFF I DIDN’T LIKE

- thor, just ,, pretty much entirely, but mostly the Fat Jokes. i think his arc could have been ok if he just ...... wasn’t fat. EDIT: my husband actually liked thor a lot in this movie, and he brought up some valid points, which i kinda want to make another post about. but this post is my initial reactions and in general i was just not happy with thor whenever he was on screen.

- particularly thor berating a child over the internet on a video game

- thanos continues to be boring, but there wasn’t as much of him in this movie as i expected, t h a n k

- didn’t like tony stark at all in the first half of the movie or more. what an absolutely unappealing dick. what was with his tantrum after he got back to earth?? and ripping out his IV and throwing a fit and blaming captain america? like this isn’t fun to watch, and it hasn’t been fun to watch in the last 5 avengers movies either lollll.

- tony stark’s family was off-putting for me. it was just weird to watch. i think this was a personal thing though. like individually i love pepper and the little girl but it was just ... i think it was very unexpected to me, and hard to wrap my head around

- giant plot hole where thanos just left his timeline like ok lol

- you’re trying to tell me the incredible hulk was trapped ... under a building?

- didn’t really care about hawkeye sry 

- black widow is so boring to me at this point im just tired of that actor and that character and the way she’s been portrayed for a decade. objectively, her involvement in this movie worked well. subjectively, every time she speaks her voice annoys me

in summary the first half had me worried it was gonna be Another Avengers Movie but the second half i basically forgot all the dumb stuff and really had fun watching it. just ....... super entertained. loved all the parallels and full circles and cheesiness. when they gave sam the shield i think that’s the first time i’ve ever been surprised by a marvel movie and ..... boy.

[lighteyed]

love letters ❥ peter parker

summary : peter, hopeless romantic that he is, has a cache of love letters, all addressed to you, hidden under his bed and expertly crafted. he never anticipated them being read, or the feelings he has for you being returned.

word count : 3.1k (holy fucking hell i’m sorry)

   Peter couldn’t help it, the way that he was. He was a romantic at a heart, though the awkwardness of him had a tendency to prevail rather than the confident, smooth talking, small part of him that had a desperate desire to reveal itself. Spider-man was as suave as a fifteen year old boy could be; Peter Parker was awkward, inept at participating in normal, human conversation and often incapable of forming coherent sentences more often than not. He wasn’t the best at talking to people besides Ned and Aunt May and- on occasion- Tony Stark. Especially not you. If there was one person that he turned into an absolute bumbling, ridiculous mess around, it was you. He loathed himself for it, sure that you thought that he was weird, annoying, the same way that anyone who didn’t know him assumed he was. 

   Ned, however, continuously insisted that you found Peter to be a sweetheart, like anyone who got to know him well enough did, and that you liked him very much- perhaps more than a friend, though Peter had immediately scoffed at the notion. It was out of the question, downright ludicrous. But, of course, Ned had implanted the idea in Peter’s head, and now the boy’s ever creative mind refused to stop constructing various scenarios in which you were Peter’s girlfriend and he was as happy as he had ever been. 

    While he had been a perfectly charming boyfriend in each and every one of those little dream sequences of his, he was hopelessly lost for words whenever you approached him, unable to even ask what class you had next, let alone reveal the pure adoration he had been holding on to ever since you had been placed beside him in Bio in your freshman year. You had always been the one to stick up for him and smile at him and treat him like a decent human being, and so of course he fell for you, and now he could barely look you in the eye without his cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink. So, he bottled his feelings and let them out in a way he had never known could help him.

    He wrote. 

    He wrote to you every single day and poured his heart out in every single letter and expressed every thought he knew, in his heart, he would never be able to say out loud. Writing what he felt was so much simpler than saying the words out loud. That was what he assumed, anyhow. He took his pen and placed it down on the paper, starting it the same way he always did. 

   Dear Y/N… As always, the words spilled over from his mind to the paper as if he wasn’t thinking, just writing and writing and writing until he had filled two pages without lifting his curly head from the paper once. When he finally finished, a yawn stretching across his mouth, he noticed Aunt May standing outside his door. He turned his chair around, raising his eyebrows at her. 

   “Writing to that pretty girl again?” She asked, hand on her hip but wearing a knowing, soft grin. Peter, not bothering to feign shock, nodded solemnly and placed his pen down the paper. “You should think about maybe, oh I don’t know, actually giving her one of the letters you’ve written?” 

    Adamantly, Peter shook his head. “May, I could never. You don’t get it.” He swiveled around in the chair, spinning it until he was dizzy. “These letters are embarrassing. They’re practically my whole heart and soul on a piece of paper. She’d scream and run away if she read how I felt about her.” He sighed, placing his elbow on the edge of the desk and resting his cheek in his hand. He stared up at his aunt, still craving her sage advice. May stared back at him thoughtfully. 

   “Well, in my personal experience,” she came over and gave Peter’s shoulder a squeeze, eyeing the letter that was signed with Peter’s name, “girls are suckers for love letters. And you Parker men write the best ones out there. Trust me.” 

   Peter bit his lip. “Yeah, sure, I’m not an awful writer. But, I still can’t give them to her. I just can’t.” Before she could say anything else, he was folding it up and placing it on top of the shelf on his desk next to his books for English. “Uncle Ben was different. He was charming. You know that.” 

    May smiled wistfully. “I do.” 

    “And that’s one thing that I didn’t get from him,” Peter finished, shrugging his shoulders as he stood up from his swivel chair. “It’s fine.” He waved it off. “I’m happy suffering in silence. I’m gonna go to bed. Big English project starts tomorrow. Love you,” he kissed May on the cheek as she left his bedroom, switching the light off in her departure. He stared at the wall once he was situated in bed, mulling the conversation over in his head. Maybe May’s right. Maybe telling Y/N wouldn’t be as bad as I’m thinking. Maybe I’m overreacting. Actually, never mind. She probably hates me. Ugh. Life sucks. 

    That morning, when he arrived in his English class, you were sitting in the seat that had been previously occupied by Ned pretty much every class since the beginning of the school year. Sucking in a breath, Peter took his first step into the classroom. He knew he was a little late to today’s lesson, but he hadn’t realized he was a full fifteen minutes behind schedule. Ned was in the back with Michelle, giving Peter an encouraging thumbs up when he noticed his best friend finally arrive on the scene. Peter gave him the finger. 

   “Mr. Parker, lovely for you to join us!” Ms. Matthews declared when he decided to shove himself through the door, his heart jackhammering away in his chest and making its way up to his throat. He kind of wanted to throw up. 

   “Um, yeah, well, you know, sleep and whatnot- overslept, haha,” he coughed out a laugh, scratching the back of his neck. The teacher nodded with faux sympathy, though he could tell she didn’t care that much for his explanation. “I’ll just, um, sit. Down.” 

    “Next to Y/N, please,” She instructed, waving her hand in your direction. “Since you were late and unable to choose your own partner, surprising since usually Ned is so eager to work with you, Y/N offered to be your partner.” The teacher gave you a fond smile, as every teacher did. “She can explain the details of the assignment.” 

    Peter gave her a stiff nod before sliding into his chair, and you noticed how rigid he was as he turned toward you with a slight frown. He seemed extremely upset to be working with you, but you wouldn’t let that get in the way. You liked Peter. Really, truly liked him. He was a sweetie whenever he actually talked to and different than the rest of the guys at Midtown. He was genuine.  

    Giving him your full attention, you beamed at him. “Hey, Peter,” you said cheerfully. He gave you a small smile in return, wringing his hands under the desk. He couldn’t stop fidgeting. Your own smile dropped, which he noticed immediately and felt awful about. “Sorry you didn’t get paired up with Ned,” you continued, taking your books out of your shoulder bag. “I know you would’ve preferred it that way-” 

    “No!” He interrupted quickly, practically slamming his hands down on the desk so hard you jumped in your seat, eyes wide. “Sorry, sorry, I just, um,” he laughed a little, his cheeks burning, “I’m, um, happy to have you as a partner. Really, I am,” he added as an afterthought, just to make sure you knew. 

   Your shoulders relaxed as you looked at him. “You’re not just saying that, right? You seem awfully stiff,” you teased, poking his uncomfortably positioned arm as you quirked a brow. 

    “Do I?” He was practically sweating. 

     “I was just joking, Pete. It’s cute, anyway.” Peter’s eyes, a shade of brown that you had come to think of as warm as honey, went wide and he gaped at you, but you pretended not to notice. “So, for the assignment we have to write a short story based on one of the assigned reading books this year.” 

   She called me cute. 

   “Shit… I think I forgot all of mine,” you were mumbling, your head practically stuck in your bag. “Did your bring yours, Peter?” 

   Oh my god, she thinks I’m cute. She thinks I’m cute. I’m going to faint. 

   You snapped your fingers in front of his cherry red face, trying not to appear as amused as you felt. He blinked owlishly, an apologetic half smile, half grimace on his face. He was cute most of the time, but especially when he smiled, even if it was only a forced, awkward one. “Do you have your books, Peter?” You repeated kindly. 

    “Um, sorry, I’ll check,” he answered, embarrassed about his utterly obvious staring that had just occurred. He rummaged around in his backpack before realizing he had forgotten them, as well. He popped back up, curls in disarray as his head brushed against the fabric of his bag. “I forgot them, sorry,” he ran a hand through his hair, messing it up even more. It was kind of adorable.

   “You need to stop apologizing for everything, Pete,” you laughed. “It’s fine. We can get started after school. My place or yours?” You were already packing your things, and before he could think about what he was about to do, he said, “Mine.”   

    “Cool,” you grinned again, a grin that made him want to smile for the rest of his life. “Which one of is doing the writing? Or do you want to split it?” 

    “You’re a, um, fantastic writer,” he told you, having read your submissions to the school newspaper more times than he could count. “If you wanna take over, you can. I can edit and stuff.” 

    “Aw, I’m not that good,” you shook your head abashedly, looking down at your lap. “But thank you, Peter. I’m sure you’re great, too, though. Are you sure you don’t wanna write some of it?”

    “I’m not much of a writer.”

    So, you were in Peter Parker’s room. He was having his third heart attack of the day, and was incredibly grateful that he had managed to keep his wits about him for majority of the day. He had only tripped over his words five times, tripped literally twice, and dropped his Metro card once, but it was fine. You helped him back each time he fell with your usual grace, barely acknowledging his multiple social faux pas and only laughing once because he fell over a small dog- which even he would admit was pretty funny. 

   Still, his palms were sweaty around you and he didn’t know how he was going to survive working so close to you for the next week while the English assignment was occurring. He lead you into his apartment and you noticed that his hands were shaking slightly as he twisted the keys in the lock. You walked into the apartment, the first thing crossing your mind was how cozy and homelike it was. You liked it very much. 

   “It’s really cute in here,” you said, smiling around the room as Peter busied himself with a glass of water. He downed it quickly. “Where’s your aunt?” 

   “Work,” he replied, catching his breath after the gulping down of his water. “Here, let’s go to my room.” He placed his glass of water on the counter and motioned for you to follow him, opening the door to his room and wincing at the mess in there. “It’s a mess, sorry about that.”  

   You rolled your eyes at him playfully. “Didn’t I say stop apologizing?” You entered his room as if you had been there many times before, taking your shoes off and setting them by the door. You threw your bag on his bed and took a seat in his swivel chair, and he liked how natural it seemed for you to be in his room. He liked how comfortable you were, sitting there. Something about it made him happy. 

   “Yeah, my bad,” he shrugged. You tilted your head, pointing your finger at him while he raised his hands defensively. “It wasn’t technically an apology!” He took a step out of the room. He was finally being normal around you, he realized delightedly. He would still need more water, though. He could feel his mouth getting dry. “I’m gonna get more water. Want anything?” You shook your head, spinning around in the chair as he left. 

   Your eyes scanned over his desk, taking in every inch of Peter Parker’s life. He had bad books stacked everywhere, his desk was a mess, there were clothes thrown about the room. Star Wars posters, Avengers posters, notes scattered across the desk. You admired the artful messiness of it all. You leaned up to where his English books were, spotting the one you were most interested in and yanking it off the shelf. As you did, a folded piece of paper fluttered down off the shelf, just when Peter was walking back into the room. 

   “I thought you said you weren’t a writer, Pete,” you raised your eyebrows at him, holding the letter in your hand and waving it at him. 

   He almost threw up right there. “Um, I’m not, please give that back,” he reached for it, but you jumped out of the chair, raising the letter high in the air. “Y/N!” He whined, grabbing for it again. “C’mon, please,” he pleaded desperately, pouting at you with such intensity it almost made you want to give it to him. 

    “Can’t I just read a sentence, Peter?” You pushed out your bottom lip, batting your eyelashes at him. 

     He almost gave in. “No, Y/N. Seriously, give it back.” He sounded scared now, upset as well. You pursed your lips, handing it back to him. He was so anxious about you reading it that it dropped on the floor, opening far enough so that you could see your name scrawled across the top in Peter’s defining chicken scratch handwriting. 

    “That says my name, so now I have to read it.” You stood directly in front of Peter, hands pressed together in a pleading motion, the expression on your face so genuinely interested that he had to give it to you. He picked it back up with a lump in his throat and handed it over, scared as ever. But this was what May had advised. Maybe she’d be right. 

    “Dear Y/N,” you read aloud in a loud, terrible accent, glancing back up at Peter as you read the line after that. He was staring down at the floor, preparing himself for what you were going to say when you read the letter, read his heart. You sat in his chair, realizing it’d be better if you didn’t read it so publicly. He sat down on his bed, waiting. 

   Dear Y/N. This is maybe the tenth letter I’ve written to you, and each time I say the same thing, so if one day you are reading this in proper succession, I’m sorry for being so utterly repetitive. You’ll probably never read this, though. And that’s why it’s so easy for me to write. I think you’re the only person to ever truly be interested in me when I’m talking about science. Not even Ned has an attention span that long. But you do. And you don’t know how much I want to thank you for that. You make it really difficult to not like you, to not be in love with you. I think that’s what it is… love. And if I’m not in love with you yet, then I’m certainly falling for you. Who wouldn’t? You’re a wonderful person without trying, you’re a beautiful hurricane, a sunset on the horizon of my bleakest hours, and you make me feel as if I’ve been standing in the sunshine for my entire life. 

   You put the letter down, smoothing it over your lap. You didn’t need to read the rest. That was enough. Peter gazed at you now, the way you’ve yearned to be looked at before, and you shamed yourself for being so blind these past two years. He wasn’t simply just staring. He was looking. Admiring. You slid next to Peter, placing the letter behind you. He moved his hand, curling his fingers around yours tentative as ever. Your free hand grazed up the side of his face, toying with the hair on the back of his neck before resting on his cheek. He shut his eyes. When he opened them again, you were so close that he was able to count each individual eyelash that you had, every single fleck of pure beauty in your deep eyes. 

   “I like you very much, Peter Parker,” you murmured. He felt his heart soar, and then, he felt himself kiss you. It was an out of body experience. He was there, he was the one kissing you, the one who had initiated it, but it felt like he wasn’t. He was up in the clouds, too far lost in the way it felt to run his hands through your hair as he had always dreamed of to notice Aunt May sneaking past the door, overjoyed to see Peter finally with the girl he had been loving in silence for far too long. You pulled away from each other, eyes opening slowly and hesitantly and your lips practically still connected. 

   He wanted to tell her that he adored her, but Aunt May’s voice flowed from the kitchen too loud to overpower his thoughts. “You read her the letter, didn’t you? I told you it’d work! Worked for your Uncle Ben and I was right as I always am!”

   He jumped up from the bed, sticking his head out of the doorway and pressing his finger to his lips. “Maaaayyyy, you’re embarrassing me,” he whispered-yelled, practically whined. “You were right, okay? Thank you, let me go get a girlfriend now. The girlfriend.” She beamed at him, but no one’s smile could shine brighter than Peter’s. 

    He retreated back into the room, and you were clutching the letter in your hands. You looked up at him hopefully. “I was thinking that maybe you could read me the other nine letters. If you’re up for it.” 

    Peter couldn’t possibly say no, taking a page out of his Uncle Ben’s book the way he should have done in the first place as he found the hiding spot for the stack of letters he had been writing for the past few months, sliding them over to you and feeling confident for the first time in a long time.

[sheriffkit]

Tagged by @catmewmew Let's do this I guess WHICH OC MOST REFLECTS YOU? Hmmm,,,this is kinda hard for me??? But I suppose Cathy. Her sense of fashion is must like mine in the sense I go more for aesthetic, and like her I'm on the scale of being in between an extrovert and introvert. Plus I suppose I'm friendly?? And uh,,,ya. WHICH OC HAS A STORYLINE SO DARK IT MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY? Lmao. It's more of like two. Which is the two half siblings story's, Liliths and Joseph's. They both go through a lot of shit and honestly, just deserve happiness. At least they got each other tho :) HOW DO YOU NAME YOUR OC’S? Usually a name pops into my head before I even make the OC and that makes me make them. Although I also do name them after people I think they look like,,,or if I just genuinely like the name??? WHICH OC DO YOU WRITE MOST FOR? I don't write for my OCs---wait fuck. Okay. So a long time ago I wrote a long fic for Lilith before anything and used to RP as her to uh,,,yea I've WRITTEN the most for her out of everyone. WHAT DO YOU LIKE MAKING MOST: POSTERS, AESTHETICS, GIFS, PLAYLISTS, MANIPS, ETC? I draw em!!! I'm not very good at the other stuff,,heh DO YOU HAVE AN OC THAT’S FOR A SUPER OBSCURE FANDOM? Nah fam WHAT ARE SOME FUN FACTS ABOUT YOUR OC’S? - Before the space shit happened, Joseph was a really popular song writer and singer - X doesn't identify with any label sexuality wise - Lilith was originally an OC for FNAF - I put Jane in Caden in the houses they NEEDED to be in (based off of this one Harry Potter house canon) - I made steam nonbinary bc I don't believe robots have genders and bc it was at a time I was still figuring out my gender I DARE YOU TO SPOIL A HUGE PLOT POINT IN YOUR CURRENT STORY (ONLY IF YOU WANT, I’M SERIOUS ONLY IF YOU WANT) (I'm drawin it possibly but) Jane breaks up with Caden WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FANDOM TO WRITE OC’S FOR? Harry Potter. I just made OCs for it but,,,it's a whole lot more fun than HS bc with that there's so much and it just feels like work :// DID SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE INSPIRE A CERTAIN OC? I honestly can't remember but probably HOW DO YOU CHOOSE A FACECLAIMS FOR YOUR OC’S? I don't. I draw them. Lmao. IS THERE A SPECIFIC SONG THAT FITS ONE OF YOUR OC’S SO WELL IT’S INSANE? Et by Regina Spektor, for Joseph. Although almost anything by Regina Spektor fits him tbh. Mainly post-outer space. WHERE DO YOU MAINLY POST YOUR FICS? No where bc I don't write fics for my OCs DO ANY OF YOUR STORIES HAVE POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS? Not yet DO YOU HAVE ANY QUEER OC’S? Almost all DO YOU HAVE AN POC OC’S? Yup!! I try to make POC OCs as much as I can to expand my horizons for drawing as well as,,,I don't see people with many POC ocs sadly IS THERE A COMMON TRAIT ALL YOUR OC’S SHARE? Very confused IS THERE AN OC YOU’VE NEVER POSTED ANYTHING FOR? Haha,,,yea HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DREAM WHERE ONE OF YOUR OC’S WAS IN IT? A few times!! I had one last month :0 WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU’VE BEEN DYING TO TELL SOMEONE ABOUT CONCERNING A FIC OR AN OC? Lilith and,,,I forgot her bfs name,,,have a kid and she likes hearing stories about her cool Uncky Joseph Im tagging @olyjade @baconator153 ((suffer shorty)) @diabetes-kun and @unicorns-and-arson

[sextonsharpwinhalstead]

SHIPS Could They? Should They? Will They?

 There has been a lot of discussion (again) around ships especially since it looks like there is a shake-up among the characters; whose with who and what relationships are ending and some that might be beginning. Currently Connor’s relationship is strained due to Robin’s health; Nina is paranoid as all get out because Will is back to publicly making goo goo eyes at Natalie. Natalie and Jeff broke up, Tate and April broke up, and Vicky and Ethan are done too. And who the hell knows what’s going on with Sarah and Joey as they are trying to pull Rexton 2.0, the bootleg version, out of nowhere. Which made me wonder about all the ships; their pros and cons and what could happen or if it should and better yet will the writers ever do it….most of these I’d say no cause I just don’t believe it but it’s fun to see.

(I’ve only paired the ones that I have had people talk to me about or I know other people actively ship. Obviously the sky’s the limit here.)

Let’s start with the big 3.

Natalie Manning and Will Halstead

Ship name: Manstead

Why they work: Will genuinely cares about Natalie; he cares about her well-being and there is a protectiveness that he has for her. With that being said Natalie seems to have walked into a relationship without the effort or the pressure. She gets along with Will effortlessly and their friendship deepens because she doesn’t have to think about betraying Jeff or what it means in the big picture, the feelings she has for him snuck up on her and there is something nice about that.

Why they won’t: A lot of shippers that love Manstead forgot about his behavior in the first season towards her. It’s the classic I can’t have you so I’ll treat you like shit. She was originally written pretty tough, witty, and someone that would never take his shit but as we watched her mourn her husband in-between him gas-lighting her every other episode (Like literally after the first 3) she lost a lot of her autonomy and her toughness and it dissolved the other half of the ship. Also another easily forgotten line is that he literally told her he was in love with her but not willing to wait while she mourned her husband that hadn’t even been dead a year….yikes.

Connor Rhodes and Sarah Reese

Ship Name: Rheese

Why they Work:The show has a very had time filling in the gaps for a ton of their characters but it’s hard to believe that Sarah didn’t grow up wealthy. Her mother is a lawyer and from the sounds of it a litigator and a very successful one. She may not have multi-million dollar Dolan Rhodes money but they are by no means poor…and that’s just a maybe, Connecticut (where Sarah is from) is one of the richest states in the nation. Anyway these two would bond over feelings of inadequacy as being a doctor in the world of monetary elites is still not that impressive so they talk about what it’s like to have everything and still be neglected and disrespected. He can take her to any place and she gets it because she was raised similarly.

Why they Won’t:Canonically Connor kind of has a thing for feisty women, both Robin and Sam were assertive and he’s drawn to a woman that will put him in his place. Sarah is just now getting comfortable in her skin let alone telling someone else how theirs should fit, also Connor is a bit of a rebel ; South America for med school, Riyadh for his residency. Sarah follows the rules.

Will Halstead and Connor Rhodes

Ship name: Rhodestead

Why they Work: Canonically these two really should already be best friends, they both lost their mothers, have one other sibling, strained relationships with their fathers, and special connections with their mentors whom they both ultimately lost. We watch them go to the ends of the earth for their patients but mostly because of ego which is this ships downfall….

Why they Won’t: They are both a bit egotistical. Both want to be top dog so badly, with it unceremoniously going to Halstead, I know we are in the Church of Connor Rhodes but Halstead is actually the better doctor. He was born with the talent that Connor is learning to get. However when it comes to people and jumping through hoops to get to conclusions Halstead is constantly doing them to Connor and ending up wrong every time. The verdict here is if it ever happened it would be slower than Manstead because this is literally when social worlds collide.

Ethan Choi and Sarah Reese

Ship name: Reethan

Why they Work: Rigid rule followers with a sense of discipline, although applied in different areas, these two have a strange balance of each other. He lifts her up so she can see that she can do more and with that teaching it gives her tenacity to step into that role. (Remember that gun episode? Sarah was not letting him steamroll her). She lends a softness to him that allows him to loosen up (which is much needed).

Why they Won’t: Besides the age gap, it’s kind of clear that Ethan only sees her as a kid-sister, a private, so to speak. I could see endless fights about her trying to help with his PTSD and him lightly and not so lightly telling her to back off.

April Sexton and Sarah Reese

Ship Name: Rexton

Why they Work: This has the potential to be literally THE CUTEST same-sex coupling on the show. Both of them are not the hard partying types, they tend to be the quintessential “good girls.” Kind, easy going, and encouraging. This ship has presh written all over it. SO MUCH FLUFF.

Why they Won’t: When is the last time these two had a scene together? Yeah. Also Sarah has yet to really let her hair down, at least April does every now and then plus the inevitable fight between them about April’s sacrificial lamb-like behavior for her brother and Sarah’s indecisiveness about her future.

Connor Rhodes and April Sexton

Ship Name: SexnRhodes

Why they Work: These two, after that pilot scene, there was chatter but they went nowhere. They could’ve been cute because April would’ve actually been pampered and loved in a relationship where her partner respected her work and her drive. They also have that in common. April isn’t just a nurse; she’s a trauma nurse, who thrives under pressure, with speedy actions, thoughts, and choices. Connor is the same, even though he switched to cardio-thoracic surgery, he is still a rebel that likes the challenge and pace of quick decision making. Also can we talk about the secret fights/dirty talk they would have at work all in Spanish? That ship wrote itself but….

Why they Won’t: It’s all a little too perfect right? Yeah April would definitely take issue with the way Connor fled after his mother’s death. She literally sacrificed her ability at being a doctor to help her little brother who is less talented. Even though there are feistier parts of her personality, I think Connor would end up running over her or getting bored.

Will Halstead and April Sexton

Ship Name: Sexstead

Why they Work: Both are catholic and grew up in Chicago, these two are driven and worked their way to where they are today with little or sometimes NO encouragement from the people that were supposed to love them. Confused and or dumped/bypassed by their crushes (Severide/Natalie) they would share some kind of basic ground for it. April and Will both thrive in the ED and she is an amazing nurse to him because of her speed and accuracy and his quick, logical, and usually correct analysis and diagnosis of the patients but…

Why they Won’t: When they think they’re right…they ‘re right (remember the drunk-guy going through DT’s episode?). She has no problem going toe-to-toe with him but they are both stubborn as hell (his insistence at her taking her meds when she was pregnant, how interesting that story would’ve been if it was his baby) anyway this would still be a hard ship to sail cause Natalie’s ass would still be walking round the ED causing problems…plus her and April were /are? friends.

Ethan Choi and Connor Rhodes

Ship Name: Rhoi

Why they Work: Aww the quiet little interracial M/M ship between the two hottest male doctors on the show…(yeah I said it). This would be the curiosity ship, who are you? What do you like to do? I never knew that about you kind of relationship. Long talks/walks about the places they had traveled to and the unique cases and ways that they handled them during their times abroad.

Why they Won’t: Remember that ego thing that would tax the hell out of Rhodestead….Ethan Choi is not exempt from that either. Two alphas fighting for control when they are adamant about being right. Connor would cave, problems and fights would ensue.

Ethan Choi and April Sexton

Ship name: Chexton

Why they Work: Arguably the two best looking folks on the show (fight me) they could work because he is probably the second best doctor that works in the ED (I have made my feelings known about the first) and she is the best trauma nurse there. They’d bounce ideas off each other and then go back to the other’s place for good-looking people sex afterwards. What they would talk about…no clue.

Why they Won’t: Remember the episode when April came back after her miscarriage and she was adamant about helping that women who was a mule? Yeah, Ethan is too black and white and the violence he has seen keeps him that way. April sees shades of grey and that would be a huge problem for them, handling cases, and then arguing about them when they got home.

Ethan Choi and Natalie Manning

Ship Name: Channing

Why they Work: One word: military. I could see them laughing over stories about basic training, bad military food, pranks, and residency stories. They would bond over his quiet love of children and her obvious field of pediatrics. His insomnia would be awesome for midnight feedings for Owen while she slept.

Why they Won’t: Remember when he mansplained pregnancy and childbirth as basically not being a factor in trauma (so cringe-worthy)? Yeah he doesn’t respect Natalie’s opinions and that would END them. Also I don’t see Natalie getting together with anyone that was enlisted ever again after what happened with Jeff one and two to be honest. It’s time for her to try something new.

Natalie Manning and Connor Rhodes

Ship Name: Mannors ( I totally made this up and couldn’t stop laughing so…)

Why they Work: Barely, they are both attractive. Other than that when the show debut they couldn’t have been in more different places in their lives, she was eight months pregnant and he had been overseas treating Saudi millionaires. The danger and excitement of his world may have intrigued Natalie at first and her relative mystery at not answering his questions about her husband might have made him curious but….

Why they Won’t: For all the reasons above, not to mention they stopped writing feisty Natalie like three episodes in and we ended up with second-guessing –judgy -Mary Sue that I have so much contempt for. Connor likes decisive women that challenge him. Also Natalie seems like she has the healthiest family out of all the characters, Connor would feel like an outsider or feel a little ashamed opening up about his screwed-up family.

[rogue-ai-cat]

I totally meant to reply to this back when it happened, but the last few weeks have been very busy and I kind of forgot. Forst of all, thank you. I really have been using this year just to figure out who I am, and just last week I decided to throw out half of my life and start over again. I’m redoing my “office” (which is just one side of my room) and getting back into embracing my love of computers. I finally cracked open the case and cleaned the monster (so called because it’s massive), but, as usual, it responded to my services by making scary noises.

My writing I can’t even make an excuse for. I’ve had the time, but I haven’t been using it. More often than not, it’s just been me staring down the document. However, I have been doing a lot of worldbuilding and such, so I haven’t been doing nothing.

The be silly part I think I needed to hear. I get so caught up in appearances, especially when I’ve been online for a while. I get so afraid of doing anything ‘cringey’. I’m reading a book that's helping with that, which I’ll come back to.

And I have been offline for most of the past week. I’ve been redecorating and planning and budgeting and doing things that I can see physical manifestations of, which are the things that mean the most to me. Anything that I can do and then hold in my hand or touch when I’m done with it is an amazing thing. Because of that, I’ve always been a bit more wired as a builder than a programmer. And since I can’t exactly see the mechanism of programming, it gets really confusing, and once we’re there it’s more frustrating than fun. If I could do the things I want to do without having to learn to code, that would be awesome, but it's just not gonna happen. I mean, my love for PCs isn’t a love for the program, it’s a love for the hardware. My love for AI isn’t as much about the program as it is about the way that a program learns, about how it does. It's more psychology to me than programming (which makes a lot of my coder friends annoyed when I say that). I know enough about code in theory, but in practice, it’s not there. It's like physics. I know a lot about quantum theory and the science behind it, but I don't touch the math. I’m not gifted like my father is with the ability to see that stuff.

As for the last bit, I enjoy the silence. I don’t like the constant stream of input, and I don't really get bored often. Actually, I think I do more genuine writing under stress than I do when not stressed. When I’m comfortable with things I get bored with them, and when I get bored with them I’m more likely to ignore them than do them, so being stressed out about something is what actually gets it done. For instance, this whole office remodel is because I’m developing carpal tunnel syndrome and the stress of having that going on is motivating me to get some quality of life shit dealt with. 

My writing usually comes about when I’m trying to write something else. I once wrote a 10 page fanfic at school during lunch and in the gaps at the beginning and ends of classes because I was worried about an in-class write the next day. The stress and the need to be in the writing mindset prompted writing. I also write a lot if I’m stressed about other things because it's preferable to being stressed. However, that one hasn’t put much on paper lately. It’s more become a semi maladaptive daydreaming, and that’s less useful. I’ll have to nail that one back down.

And I have been reading more. I’m slowly reading Adam Savage’s Every Tool is a Hammer and I cannot recommend that book enough to anyone who is an artist, writer, coder, builder, ANYTHING. If you make anything you need to read this book. That's all there is to it. And I’ve gotten so many ideas and had so many revelations from this book alone, and I’m barely a third of the way in. It’s so relieving to hear someone of such influence talking about the problems that defined my life as a child and still define my life now. I cried on the third page because I was so relieved that I wasn’t alone in the universe, that my creative struggles were understood, that my emotional struggles were understood... I mean, just to hear someone with that much influence admit to having the same insecurities as a maker and as a person that I have... I can’t explain how, but it was so uplifting. I just had this feeling like maybe I really can do this after all. It's absolutely a must-read.

Okay, so somehow I’ve convinced myself to hate all my hobbies and now I’m trying to figure out when/how this happened.

Like, I love computers and peripherals and gadgets and all that, but that hobby died because it got expensive and because I’m now at the point where I need to learn code languages and that progress has been REALLY slow.

And I love writing, but the catastrophe that is my writing blog is making me feel like the most horrible writer in the known universe. I know that my real problem is that I’m horrible at social media (and, as a Gen Z, that makes me pretty much useless to my generation).

I love drawing, but I got so good at digital art so damn fast that it now makes my hand drawings look like total garbage… and now my drawing program is acting up, so RIP digital art (for now).

I love making things, but I have no money and no resources, so fuck that.

I like cars, but… well, I’m a broke 19 y/o (woman) living in my parent’s apartment. I think the multiple problems with that one are all pretty obvious.

I tell myself I like planes, but really what I like is the idea of planes and the things about planes that are similar to the things I like about cars, which brings us back to some of the problems with cars.

I’m also a perfectionist with a thing against emotional investments, and literally, every single moment in and detail of my life has been, in some way, completely fucking ruined by one or both of those two things.

So now I’m an idiot with no life and no hobbies and nothing I can even tell myself I love anymore, so that’s great, Good. Fun. I didn’t ask to be in this world, and yet just existing costs money I don’t have and more emotional investment than I care to put towards anything. I’m starting to feel like I will never be able to afford, in any interpretation of the word, to be happy. Like, fuck this.