#I genuinely hope this person at least gets some legit therapy if anything because this shit's fucked up and illegal

[kaythefloppa]

Report + Block: Cilanfvcker: TW for NSFW

[Credit to Ranford on Twitter for originally putting this in the know and giving out the username. MASSIVE trigger warning for NSFW mentions, proship/rape/CP/z00phillia shit. I'm struggling not to vomit at all of this rn]

[I censored the profile image because it was highly nsfw-ish and I'd rather not jumpscare you guys with it - You're welcome.]

This person on Instagram is uhm... a Kr@ttc*st shipper (whoop-dee-fucking-doo) but he also apparently makes several z00phillic edits about WK.

He's also made CP artwork of Zach, the Kratts, and Gavin (and openly expressed the desire to make shota CP of all of them).

He thankfully does not have Tumblr, but he has other socials which I will encourage you to block [DO NOT ENGAGE WITH OR INTERACT WITH HIM OR USE THIS POST AS A SCAPEGOAT TO DO SO HE IS NOT AT ALL WORTH ANYONE'S EFFORT TO WASTE THAT IS HOW AWFUL HE IS]:

[https://www.youtube.com/@occultyagi2792/about]

[not-poignant]

Hello, I love your writing and I love how you manage to write complex characters and antagonists I can totally sympathize with (Augus, my precious), so I was wondering if you have any advice on that? Also, how do you decide on a love interest for your MC? Sorry if this is too broad of a question, but your writing advice is always super helpful.

Hiya

I‘m glad you’re enjoying the writing! Honestly I don’t know if I’m going to do a good job of explaining these things, but I hope whatever I say helps!

Writing a sympathetic antagonist

Firstly, most importantly, they have to be sympathetic! I know I know, that sounds stupid, and obvious, but it’s true. Don’t expect every reader to still like your antagonist, they won’t. Not everyone likes villain, antagonist or even antihero fiction.

Re: garnering sympathy:

Show the character as genuinely vulnerable. (Consider Augus being hurt by Gwyn in the dungeon, even if most of it slid off of him, that gag certainly didn’t). (Consider that even though Eran is Mosk’s captor and actually not a very nice person, we understand his motivations for being mean - he has lost his entire family, and he believes Mosk is the reason. He’s shown experiencing constant culture shock, totally alone, and he doesn’t understand the new world he finds himself in). (Consider that Efnisien is living an extremely bleak life, post violent injury, and that he is shown to be vulnerable to his own patterns of thinking).

Show the shift in their attitude that makes them more relatable, or that gives the readers hope that they’re not about to revert back to who they used to be. (Augus clearly being far more even-minded and less destructive for the sake of it). (Eran constantly questioning how Mosk could be capable of his evil, and double-checking on himself, and it obviously being insecurity when he decides that Mosk is evil after all). (Efnisien is forcing himself to attend very personally challenging therapy sessions, and we can see that not only has he not hurt anyone in 3 years, we can see evidence of a life lived that tries to avoid opportunities to hurt people ever again).

Make them human, create common ground. Show them eating food, getting dressed, responding to a major (or minor) injury. Show them loving another character even if they only ever love one other character (Augus saying ‘careful’ to Ash in Shadows and Light was actually the moment that some readers fell in love with him or became intensely curious about him - and so while most readers came around to him in Game Theory, just having Augus genuinely love and feel protective towards his brother was enough to create sympathy and empathy). (Consider Efnisien and his love for Gwyn). (Consider Eran’s love for his family). Make it so that people literally can go ‘oh, I eat food that way’ or ‘oh, I’ve tried to hide an injury before’ or ‘that’s how I get dressed’ or ‘I hate summer too.’ Give them details that can stack up over time and create common ground.

In the case of characters who have done absolutely egregious things, whump the everloving fuck out of them. Like, this was legit a thing I did in Game Theory *deliberately* in order to create increased sympathy for Augus. Even people who have the most intense revenge fantasies re: a character burn out on them after a while. A person who is like ‘yeah I can’t wait to see them tortured and suffering and going through awful pain’ will, very often, get that and realise they didn’t want that much of it. And they will turn to sympathy instead. It’s worked an absolute fucking treat with Augus and Efnisien in particular.

Have someone who is worse opposite your antagonist. (Augus had the Nightingale. Eran has Olphix and Davix and, well, Mosk’s entire family. Efnisien has Crielle and Lludd). Give your villain a villain.

*

That’s it. You don’t have to make them ‘good.’ You don’t have to rationalise what they did. You don’t have to make excuses for what they’ve done or what they’ll do in the future. Your readers can make up their own minds on that, and they will, with or without your guidance. Augus can still be a waterhorse that eats people and sometimes uses compulsions because he’s impatient. Gwyn can still just straight up murder people without giving them much (or any) warning first.

When you don’t encourage sympathy based on a ‘good/bad’ binary, you can still have your antagonists and villains kind of stay where they are. They might do heroic things, they might do villainous things, the point of empathy is that they’re often doing and thinking relatable things, even if the subsequent actions aren’t themselves relatable.

I don’t do these things for villains that I don’t want to be sympathetic. But I must admit, I am enjoying showing different facets of Davix in The Ice Plague, even though I don’t really intend for him to be a transformed villain or anything.

Deciding on a love interest

This one is harder. Mostly because in some ways, it’s ‘simpler’ on the surface. All you’re doing is looking for a character who has qualities that strengthen your other character, and balance out the imbalances in your primary character and vice versa. They will need to have some things in common too. They also need to get along, and have a reason to get along (especially if it’s rivals to lovers).

Like, it’s hard to describe how I do this because I don’t spend a lot of time on this part. I tend to just...idk, ‘know’ what another character needs and build off that. And that’s fucking useless to break down for other people. BUT, it does mean I can at least use my doofuses as examples:

Augus and Gwyn: They are both people who favour diplomacy over war, but can be extraordinarily bloodthirsty when a situation calls for it, and they’re both actually pretty snarky and bitchy people (things in common). Augus is proud of his sexuality and does not see the point in not fully embracing who you are as a monster, Gwyn rejects his monstrous self and is not proud of his sexuality or his role as a sub (Augus strengthens Gwyn in this, and complements what Gwyn lacks). Gwyn is extremely bold and secure in his ability to manage a Kingdom and also protect his loved ones, he is very able to step forwards into his future decisively, fully confident in his ability to do what is best for the people around him and the nation (Gwyn strengthens Augus in this, and complements Augus’ insecurities in this area).

You can find lots of other examples of complementary traits in Augus and Gwyn in particular (Augus had a happier family, Gwyn didn’t. Gwyn has military and physical training, Augus mostly hasn’t. Augus understands fashion and courtiers, Gwyn doesn’t. Gwyn understands tracking and large-scale military operations, Augus doesn’t. Augus understands finer interpersonal relationships, Gwyn doesn’t. Gwyn understands politicking that’s specifically malicious or manipulative (like the Raven Prince, Augus doesn’t).

Mosk and Eran: They are both people who are extremely determined and share a common goal (Mosk took a little while to get online with that goal, but okay). They are both actually very earnest at their hearts and want people to be happy with them, and they both need guidance from people in positions of authority. They’re both hot-headed (in different ways, but they both absolutely fly off the handle all the fucking time). Ultimately, they want to feel warm and supported (things in common).

Mosk is extremely aesthetic and cares for beautiful things and scenery, at all times, he tends to tune into an environment based on its beauty, Eran on the other hand tends to be a bit stuck in the past, and isn’t always quick to see the beauty in the present. (Mosk enriches Eran’s life in the present, but helping him to focus on what might be beautiful in the present). Eran likes to feel as though he’s helping people and he needs to feel needed, Mosk needs someone to take care of him (Eran enriching Mosk).

Tbh you could come up with a lot of examples. Places where they ‘complement’ each other are also places of potential conflict. Eran being hopeful and optimistic is definitely a point of contention between Mosk and Eran when it clashes against Mosk’s pessimism, even though it’s good for Mosk to be around more hopeful attitudes, and it’s good for Eran to be more realistic sometimes.

ANYWAY. Basically, yeah, I... this second part I’m a lot worse at, sorry. The process of coming up with love interests is very organic, and I don’t actually like, sit down and plan these things. Which means I don’t have a formula to share. (I am very much just making shit up as I go).

Idk if any of that is helpful, but I hope it is. <333

Please don’t listen to my writing advice lol.

[nodesiretogrowup]

LET’S GET READY TO RE-CAAAAAAAAP

“I have numerous science-based questions” I mean, same. It also sets up that Huey is gonna be out of his element this episode

SCROOGE HAS NO TIME FOR SCIENCE

“I AM THAT CHAMPION.” A bit full of yourself there. I couldn’t hear this line without saying “I’M. THAT. HERO.” Oh VeggieTales, you’ll always be with me

THEY ALL LOOK SO ADORABLE!!

I like that Louie does a finger gun when Scrooge gets to him

Like I said earlier, I DO NOT care Scrooge already putting pressure on these kids

Poor Dewey seems like he’s the unfavorite, which is probably how Donald felt as well

Huey makes a good point and I do NOT like how dismissive Scrooge is of the twins

That being said...they totally killed someone in battle

SOMEDAY WE’LL FIND IT, THE RAINBOW CONNECTION!

Why didn’t Launchpad crash? I know he can land w/o crashing but it’s usually when he lands in water. THIS FEELS IMPORTANT SOMEHOW though it probably isn’t

“THEY FOUND A WAY TO MAKE RAINBOWS BETTER!” God, I love Webby

“This is the best day.” WEBBY, YOU ARE REACHING CRITICAL LEVELS OF ADORABLE

Birds with beards look odd

“Yeah, sure. Of course.” Poor Huey, magic and mythology aren’t his strong point

I love that it says Odin’s Closet over the shirts. It’s the little details

“Guess Louie knows what Louie’s doing today.” And then he disappears into the shirts. I can appreciate someone who knows what they’re about

I want ALL the shirts from this episode!

“WHOA, IT’S WRESTLING!” He looks so dang happy, it’s ADORABLE

“THIS IS AWESOME!” Chanting is fun

“So these guys just copied professional wrestling?” Huey, you’re form of logic is not welcome here

Does that mean Scrooge told someone about his battles and inspired them to create pro wrestling? I’m gonna go with that

“And they will love me for it!” Dewey, sweetie, that’s only how it works half the time

I loved all the man-snake stuff. Made me giggle

Man snake be THICC. HOT DAMN

I love the little pig ref. HE’S SO CUTE

Jormungandr knows how to pump up a crowd

So, like, is everyone in the audience technically DEAD?! That makes this episode slightly darker. I dig it

 I wonder if Jormungandr sees Earth’s destruction as a good thing for Earth. Like if he genuinely thinks they’d be better off in Valhalla. Or if he’s just a bastard who wants to watch the world burn

Scrooge is a bit too into playing the heel

The way Scrooge moves and the faces he makes as the Millionaire Miser remind me of Glomgold

“I watch a lot of wrestling while I fly.” “Wait, while?” This exchange always cracks me up

“Uncle Scrooge is the greatest hero of all time.” “Huh, I guess not everyone thinks so.” I feel like this is foreshadowing later events

RIP Announcer Puffin

“DIBS ON ANNOUNCING!” A dude just got KO’d bro! Have a bit of respect

And the return of the dynamic sports announcer duo. Glad Huey got his badge

I NEED MORE WRESTLING ANNOUNCER LP

Strongbeard is DOPE

“How did you know that?” “Just calling it like I see it. WRESTLING!” The real reason Launchpad knows is because he’s actually Thor but doesn’t remember. I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

FEAR THE BEARD

“What matters is I’m doing the right thing.” I don’t know, you really seem to enjoy being a heel

This whole match is great

Dewey, there ARE NO RULES IN WRESTLING. Plus you aren’t the ref, so you can’t make that call

I have very inappropriate jokes go through my head when only one arm absorbs the beard energy

“I am so confused.” CONSTANT MOOD

DID SCROOGE NARUTO RUN AT STRONGBEARD?!

I like that Scrooge dives onto him the same way he dives into his bin

LP is so excited he pushes Huey out of the way for NO REASON

HOLY FUCK THAT DUDE THREW A CHAIR AT A CHILD!

All the bone cracking in this episode made me uncomfortable, as in my bones hurt during it

“He is such a good guy.” I’d say he’s a fair guy, not necessarily a good guy

“Which two of you will fight for me?” Webby has been waiting for this moment her WHOLE LIFE

Louie, always taking time to make that money

Who gave him a shirt cannon?!

I love that the dude comes up wearing the shirt

Dewey just slaps Scrooge in the face

Champ POPular! Too cute! I love his hair and outfit. Though I don’t think Champ POPular’s “too popular to hate.” If anything he might annoy people due to his popularity

I thought he was gonna pull out yo-yos as his “finishing touch” and I was sad when it was lollipops even though that makes more sense. BRING BACK THE YO-YOS!

“Do all the fighting and make sure he doesn’t die.” That is a valid concern

WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! I’D KNOW IT ANYWHERE

Huey taking notes is adorable

“Just in time for the tag-team round.” “Wait, they’re playing tag now?! MAN!” I love how Danny says MAN

How does Huey not know what a tag-team is? It’s a pretty common term

I love Launchpad’s reading face

Dewey has red, blue, and green lollipops. Cute

“HE’S THROWING LOLLIPOPS BECAUSE HE THINKS WE’RE SUCKERS!” That took me off guard and I laughed so hard

“I’ve known you my whole life, I kinda knew how this would play out.” Louie is genre savvy. Perhaps too savvy. He’s gonna figure out he’s in a tv show

“More like Champ POP..ulation zero because he has no friends...in Friendtown.” I fail to see how that was any worse than LP’s “more like Champ UN-POPular.”

“WE HATE YOU NOW!” Tough crowd

Huey’s face after that. I just want to pinch his lil cheeks

WEBBY DON’T NEED NO WRESTLER NAME

It TOTALLY went over my head that they censored Hela with Hecka (at least they used her better than the MCU did. WE COULD HAVE HAD SO MUCH BETTER)

I would let her pin me to the mat and crush my skull in

“Oh, COME ON, THIS is what you like?! A creepy goth and her pet dog!” SHUT UP, DEWEY, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT! I’m surprised Webby didn’t slap him for the “creepy goth” comment seeing as Lena is goth and misunderstood

“HECKA YEAH! HECKA YEAH!” SHE’S SO COOL AND SEXY AND SHE HAS A DOG

Poor Huey, he’s doing his best. Hope he takes a shower later because he got pretty sweaty

HECKA COULD STEP ON ME AND I’D SAY THANK YOU

Why did Huey have all those corn puns?

“YOU’RE THE WORST! YOU’RE THE WORST!” It’s just not Huey’s day

“You don’t have to try to make it sound great, it already is.” Did this remind anyone else of Dewey’s “don’t overthink it” advice to Launchpad from Double-O Duck? He’s doing his best to help Huey

I WANT HECKA TO DESTROY ME

“EMBRACE THE BOOZE BOOS.”

Poor Dewey

WEBBY IS A BEAST! SHE WAS BORN FOR THIS!

“EMBRACE YOUR INNER HEEL!” Cuz being a heel is fun!

DUDE, WEBBY TOOK DOWN THE GODDESS OF DEATH WITH NOTHING BUT HER LEGS AND THIGHS! WE STAN!

I like that Fenny has knee pads on

“AW, YOU’RE SO DANGEROUS AND CUTE! I JUST WANT TO PET YOUR LITTLE BELLY!” WEBBY IS ME

“A classic ‘who’s a good boy?’ gambit!” AND I’D FALL FOR IT TOO! SUCH A GOOD BOI

“Wait, am I the Launchpad here?” Bitch, you WISH

“YOU CAN’T GIVE CANDY TO A DOG!” This is why you don’t have a pet, Dewey

“WHOA, back from THE DEAD for the QUEEN of the DEAD!”

Kind of a dick move, Louie

AIR GUITAR!

Jormungandr looks like a Masters of the Universe knock-off toy

WHO’S A GOOD BOI? YOU ARE!

“With a toxic personality” I think you’re projecting a bit, Jormungandr 

How does Huey not know what a battle royale is? That is a very common term! Hell, there is a well known book and movie with that title!

“I’m just a humble, noble snake man of the people.” Why does the term snake man make me laugh so much?  

WOY REFERENCE FTW

Dewey needs a hug! And some therapy would probably be a good idea

Scrooge’s speech started on a good note then went downhill FAST

“And lastly, I’ll use the dust of your bones as sweetener in my tea.” DAMN

“TOO FAR!” I DON’T THINK IT’S FAR ENOUGH! TELL HIM HOW YOU WILL BATHE IN HIS BLOOD

FUCK YEAH BEAKLEY!

SHE GAVE HIM THE CHAIR! I think this CONFIRMS Beakley as a wrestling fan

“I know we’re supposed to take over for Scrooge one day, but do you ever wonder if maybe we’re not cut out for it?” YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO WONDER THOSE THINGS AT ALL! 

Louie’s like WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!

“Be LP” My new mantra

Aw, Louie sees Dewey as a hero. Like how LP saw Drake as a hero. I think @drakepad is onto something, this scene and the fight scene seem WAAAAY too much like Drake’s intro to be just a coincidence

I keep saying this, but Louie should consider a career in motivational speaking. He knows what people need to hear

“Let’s do this!” “I don’t know.” “Let’s Dewey this?” “I’m in.”

“I’LL SHED YOUR SKIN FOR YOU!” If he hadn’t of had an old man back moment that would have been a BRUTAL CUT

OMG WAS LAUNCHPAD WEARING THAT THE WHOLE TIME? You see his clothes fly off when he jumps in the ring

“Whoa. In a COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED TWIST, the announcer was Captain Crash THIS WHOLE TIME!” LP does underground wrestling matches in his spare time, TELL ME I’M WRONG

“YOUR CATCHPHRASES ARE FORCED!” I agree, Dewey could have done WAY BETTER

I like Louie just GLARING at the dude who insulted Dewey’s catchphrase

LP looks so proud of Huey

“I don’t care at all, why should I?” Methinks the snake man doth protest too much

I like how Jormungandr’s pupils are thinner during the climax. It shows off his true nature

Dewey should have been the one to do a spin attack, ya know, cuz he’s Sonic? I’ll go now

“The Pop never Stops.” That was better

WHERE ARE ALL THESE CHAIRS COMING FROM?!

I LEGIT thought Strongbeard was gonna throw Dewey his axe and I was like Dewey wouldn’t be able to lift that

SUPER SAIYAN DEWEY! Also was that a TIGER SNARL?

I like the ice pack on Launchpad’s head. Just because he can take a lot of damage doesn’t mean that LP is immune to pain

I like that the crowd CHANGED THEIR BANNERS! Nice

LOUIE AND WEBBY LOOKED SO CUTE!

LP tearing up

“A true people’s hero” I feel like that phrase will come back in relation to other characters (cough DW cough)

Scrooge is such a little shit, it’s kind of adorable

THAT END SHOT! THAT SONG!

This was a SUPER FUN EPISODE! I couldn’t really tell where they were going and I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT! I wish we had gotten Huey in some wrestling gear but maybe next time. I like the message that doing the right thing isn’t always popular but I kind of feel like Dewey getting the crowd on his side muddled the message somewhat. Poor Dewey needs therapy or something so he doesn’t feel like he needs CONSTANT approval. Again, he’s 11 YEARS OLD and shouldn’t be put into such a serious position. LP was VIP this episode. I’m bummed we’re on hiatus again, but WHAT an episode to end on!

[calliecat93]

ST: The Next Generation Watchthrough Episodes 13-15

Time Squared: Ho boy time shenanigans, yay… so we got two Captain Picards, one from six hours in the future, and our heroes trying tomfigure out WTF is happening. So… needless to say my head hurts. A lot. Admittedly Patrick Stewart does well playing two different versions of himself and being unsettled that there are two versions of himself, so kudos there. Heck this whole episode is essentially one big look at Picard’s peyche. He’s unnerved by another him who abandoned the Enterprise showing up, and who can blame him? I didn’t at all understand the explination over what was going on, but it sure as Hell lead to one heck of an ending. So an interesting episode that did some good for Picard. No real strong opinions aside from having no idea what just happened, but no real complaints either. 3/5.

The Icarus Factor: Oh boy, Daddy Issues. One of my least favorite tropes of all time! Well it wasn’t so bad with Spock’s daddy issues with Sarek, so how do Riker’s issues go (is it just gonna be a thing where the First Officers have parent issues?)? It’s the standard ‘dad wasn’t around much do the kid has issues and both suck at trying to deal with it and it all started because the mom died and dads automatically SUCK if the mom isn’t around.” Aka the junk tbat PISSES ME OFF to no end. But ignoring my feelings, I can’t blame Riker, he feels legit hurt and resentment and telling him to just get over it like Pulaski did isn’t right. Personally I’d say go through therapy, but NO ONE thinks of suggesting taking to Troi or if she’s too close to Riker, another therapist. Anyways, Kyle does seem to genuinely want to repair the damage and I can respect parents who realize their mistakes and want to make it right even if they don’t know how. But at the same time kf Riker wants nothing to do with him, he doesn’t have to and Kyle should have learned to either back down or seek guidance if he really wanted to make amends. Otherwise while I don’t have too many issues with how it was done here aside from the ‘men are macho and should solve their problems via macho means’ because just sitting down and talking or seeing a therapist apparently isn’t an option. It’s the same pattern I’ve seen everywhere else with nothing new to offer and it annoyed me the same way as thise times, and in the end I don’t like either of them for being prideful idiots. IDK if Kyle ever reappears like Sarek did in the films (which imo TOS handled Spock and Sarek MUCH better) but if they do, I hope it’s better than this. As far as Worf’s plot goes, no strong feelings but Worf’s feelings about a major Klingon event coming up but not being around other Klingons are understandable and his friends and the wrap-up for it was nice. So overall I’m not crazy about the episode because it has one of my most hated plots and went exactly as I expected it to go and has an ending message I don’t particularly agree with even if it was a joke (no ST, not all women like macho men or find it what makes a man exciting nor are all men like that or should be), but it’s not the worst I’ve seen and it ends decently enough. 2/5.

Pen Pals: The Prime Directive exists to prevent Starfleet from interfering in the development of any pre-existing society. TOS played it pretty loose with Kirk breaking as many times as he abided by it. There are legitimate issues woth interfering in other society’s manners and potentially forcing one society’s values onto another, so Picard being more of a stickler person ith it and obeying it makes sense. But there are also cases where it may be best, especially if that society is in danger or extinction kr harming others. It’s very much a case where one needs to have good judgement and where it’s easy to make eother the right or the wrong choice. When should the Prime Directive be broken? Or should it be broken at all regardless of any downsides, as maybe that’s better than the potential downsides that breaking it can cause?In this episode, we explore that problem. So here, Data picks up a distress call from a girl whose planet is about to explode, but helping her would violate the Prime Directive. He decides to help after communicating with her for a while, and thus the debate begins. Ultimateley in this particular situation I side with Data. I get why the Prime Directive is in place and I agree that it’s necessary. But in this case it’s an innocent child whose about to potentially be killed along with her planet and understandsbmy scared. Interfering in saving a child’s life if their efforts to save the planet fails is just the right thing to do. I do like that an episode had this debate because both sides have a point, and in the end even Picard, whose otherwise an asshole in this episode, decided that he couldn’t just do nothing. Also Data and Sarjanka’s interactions are utterly adorable and God I love Data~

As far as Wesley’s plot goes… why the HELL is the TEENAGER with ZERO training being allowed to lead a science team?! Okay tbf they address it in the episode, this IS pretty much supposed to be training for him so fair enough. But… I’m sorry but I just think that Wesley has not earned that right at least until he actually gets into the Academy and gets proper training there instead of being thrust into a professional position like this so quickly. Otherwise it fees like Wesley gets preferential treatment all because he’s smarter than most those age despite having not really done anything to earn it. But his worries about being a leader are understandable and Wil Wheadon protrays it well especially when he talks to Riker about it. This is really the issue with Wesley. The character himself is fine and likeable (a few instances aside but I can say that for everyone), but it’s how the show uses and elevates him more than he should that makes watching him so frustrating. But it hasn’t been as bad as S1, so we’ll see how things go down the line. So overall solid episode. I ahve some annoyances, but it was still a nice watch. 3.5/5.

[niuxita21]

And since I’ve started blogging regularly about TV shows again after about a couple of years of finding my happy place in women’s football, I just need to be intense about the season 2 premiere of El Embarcadero for two seconds and then I’ll be fine.

I was legit terrified of watching this episode lmao because the s1 finale left me SHOOKETH and there were just so many ways to go from there but I was only going to be OK with a couple of them so for me there was a lot riding on how they chose to develop things after Alex’s shocking confession in the last few seconds of the finale and the new development of her possibly having realized her feelings for Verónica. My worst case scenario was a time jump of like a year or so to account for the passage of time in real life (maybe?) So IMAGINE my surprise and delight when the episode starts and it picks up right where they left off (even a few seconds earlier), like, I knew it was going to be a good episode when just a few seconds in and I already approved of the decisions being made.

The fact that we got a redo of the bed makeout scene but this time better shot and with NO ÓSCAR anywhere to be seen like ???? Did someone read my innermost thoughts and find out that I was a bit disappointed in the eclectic camera work that didn’t let me see shit and in Óscar being interspersed with Alex and Verónica kissing for the very first time in the finale? WHO SAID god is not real????

The confrontation post-confession went about exactly as I’d hoped/imagined it would with Verónica getting mad and kicking Alex out almost immediately without letting her explain. I did enjoy the glimpses we got of their fight before Alex left, with both of them getting super intense and in each other’s faces, made all the more delicious by the height difference. That said, I had to LOL at Alex’s “You came into my house and stole the love of my life, you can’t kick me out of your house!” bc LMAO gurl, I love you to pieces but whaaaa?? Lots to unpack here but bottom line, it’s OK, you did just makeout with a hot lady for the first time in your life, it’s understandable that you wouldn’t be thinking straight (ha!)

Verónica deciding that the best way to deal with her anger at being betrayed by “Martina” is to BURN ALL HER SHIT LMAO. That is a totally sane and healthy reaction to a friend breakup, shall we say, and not at all an indication of some deeper feelings there. Nope, not at all.

I loved that Alex said in therapy that she thought what happened to her with Verónica with respect to her inability to pull away from her was the same thing that happened to Óscar, because that’s what I’ve always thought. Like I can totally see why Óscar and Alex would be drawn to each other, they’re both hot, adorable, type-A nerds, so it also makes sense that they would be drawn to the same type of person who comes into their lives and puts everything completely upside down just by virtue of being like no one they’ve ever met before. Also, Alex saying she’s having trouble dealing with Verónica’s absence, nawwwww. This show is just committed to giving me everything I want and it’s only episode 1!!!

The scene between Verónica and Conrado was interesting on a couple of levels. 1) He finally showed his true colours as the typical man who appears to be a cool and understanding dude until something comes between him and a woman he has decided he wants and then the aggressive, possessive alpha-male jumps out. Bit disappointing ngl because I thought he was one of the good ones. And 2) Verónica’s “What do you want with [Alex]?” (roughly), just a few shades from being jealous, and “I’ll step away if I want to” made me think that she was legit gonna pursue something with Alex just to piss off Conrado, but thankfully that was not the case. I did like that it was a subtle continuation of the way she’d been tuning into the thing between Alex and Conrado in the last two episodes of season 1. I always thought it was the beginnings of jealousy because she was starting to develop feelings for Alex so we’ll see if I was right and she ever brings it up when they get together for real.

THE BATHTUB SCENE. Possibly my favourite moment between these two in the entire series so far, dethroning the hug at the beach in the season 1 finale. I mean, UGH, where do I even start. The way Alex looks down at Verónica naked in the bathtub with such tenderness and asks her if she’s OK. Her “I’m not leaving, I can’t be away from you” in response to Verónica kicking her out. The way you can see the wheels turning inside her head and weighing the options of doing what Verónica is ordering her to do or staying and continuing to fight to get her back, until the latter finally wins out and she straight up TAKES HER SHOES OFF and gets into the bathtub with her. Like, she doesn’t say a single word, but that’s her grand gesture right there and it does all the work for her because a few seconds later, Verónica breaks down and pulls her into the tightest softest hug and at this point I DON’T KNOW HOW I AM STILL ALIVE. Also, this shot:

Like what kind of epic love story shit is this??? And then:

How TIGHTLY Verónica is wrapped around Alex I can’t deal with any of it.

And then Verónica pulls Alex down with her and all of a sudden they’re CUDDLING IN THE BATHTUB WITH ALEX FULLY CLOTHED AND LAYING COMPLETELY ON TOP OF A VERY NAKED VERÓNICA BECAUSE OF HOW TINY SHE IS LIKE HOW IS THIS A REAL THING THAT I’M WITNESSING WITH MY OWN TWO EYES I CAN’T EVEN. And then Verónica apologizes to Alex for ruining her marriage and Alex quips that she never even found out and they both laugh and like, it’s amazing that they’re already at a place where they can joke about that like it’s nbd I’m just :))))

That said... it did feel like Verónica came around way too quickly. IDK it seems to me that Alex would have had a bit more explaining to do before Verónica felt like she was OK with forgiving her like, no offense to that tiny, possibly lesbian disaster, I mean, I love her, but what she did to Verónica was messed UP even if she WAS her husband’s mistress, and at the very least I feel like Alex needed to apologize for deceiving her like that. Maybe the key to all this is that mysterious message Alex said she left for Verónica but that we didn’t listen. Maybe she apologized and explained herself at length knowing Verónica probably wouldn’t let her do it in person? That makes sense to me. Hopefully we get to hear it in later episodes, given how timey-wimey the storytelling is on this show.

ALSO, Verónica calling her “Alejandra” for the first time. Ugh, I love this song. As a sidenote, I always headcanoned that, once Verónica found out who Alex really was, she would always call her by her full name and not by her nickname. It just seems to jive with what we know of her character so far. Let’s see if I’m right.

The whole sequence of Alex, Verónica, and Sol having a happy family afternoon riding the horse, playing tag on the beach, and having a tortilla de patata contest all set to that happy-go-lucky “Suspicious Mind” song is what serotonin is made of. My goodness. It’s impossible not to smile while watching it. And my biggest takeaway is Alex’s big ass SMILE:

She’s SO HAPPY. This little family that she conned her way into makes her so genuinely HAPPY and it melts my heart. 

Alex telling Verónica she thinks Óscar was murdered and then “If you think someone killed him, I’m gonna help you find whoever did it.” Like DO YOU KNOW how much I wanted these two to team up and try to figure out what really happened to Óscar together??? I just figured, if it ever happened, it would be like halfway through the season at the very least, because that’s how long I imagined it would take Verónica to forgive Alex for deceiving her, so to have it happen already? IS IT MY BIRTHDAY OR SOMETHING??? And just, like, the amount of TRUST she already has in Alex, like not 24 hours have passed since she found out who she really is but she’s already willing to follow whatever theories she has and assuming she’s right. It makes me so happy.

Alex not being able to sleep next to a topless Verónica because she’s so attracted to her? Brilliant, fantastic, amazing, showstopping, spectacular, *chef’s kiss*, etc.

That whole morning scene when Alex wakes up and starts freaking out because Sol is gonna be late for school, like, she’s already acting like such a MOM to her, I can’t handle it. But my favourite part was how she asks Verónica “Did you burn ALL my clothes?” with not an ounce of reproach in her voice, she just wants to know if there’s anything in that house that she can wear to her meeting to save time, and Verónica’s like “I can lend you something” and Alex, “Something appropriate for a meeting with architects?” and Verónica fake ponders, “Hmm... let me think... nope,” clearly pulling her leg. I just ADORE how, now that the jig is up and Alex is being herself with Verónica, this new dynamic is starting to take shape wherein Alex can be all type-A with Verónica and Verónica just teases her about it without Alex even getting mad, the same way she did with Óscar.

Verónica dropping in on Alex at her work to tell her about the tickets to Óscar’s car. OK 1) The way Alex SMILES when she sees Verónica was probably my second favourite moment of the episode. There this show goes again subverting my expectations. When I saw Verónica walking in, I thought we were in for their first disagreement because Alex would be embarrassed about having Verónica there, since she’s always been very zealous about keeping her life at the albufera and her life as Alex separate. But NOPE, not this show!

skdfhkjdhk tattoo that smile on my forehead like???? I mean I thought I had a pretty clear read on Alex’s character so far, but she’s just throwing me for a loop here, lol. I guess being in love really does that to people IDK. (Sidenote: how GORGEOUS is she??? She’s got that classically Spanish dark hair and intense dark eyes that just drive me crazy.)

The both of them just sitting around in Alex’s office doing some amateur detective work re: Óscar’s speeding tickets and the mysterious town where he seemed to be coming and going, casually being like, “I’ve never seen him do that” “Neither have I” like they’re talking about a mutual friend and not about, idk, the man they were both in love with (and who is now dead) is freaking WILD, man, but also EXACTLY what I’d been wanting to see at some point and I still can’t believe the show is giving it to me so soon. Lastly, Verónica saying, “We should go to [that town]. Together.” makes me laugh because the “together” was COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY lmao but hey, Vero, if it makes you feel good to constantly restate the fact that you and Alex are in this TOGETHER then who am I to criticize. These two, I swear.

The way Katia comes in and, instead of scrambling to find a logical explanation, Alex is just casually like, “Verónica, I’d like you to meet my best friend, Katia,” which, ngl, just raises a whole slew of questions lmao. Like, does this mean Katia already knows Alex came clean to Verónica? Or are we supposed to assume that that random introduction was all Katia needed to realize things had shifted between them? Hopefully we’ll find out later in a proper conversation. My favourite part, though, was Verónica’s “Katia, huh?”, like the last piece of the puzzle that was Alex’s lie finally clicked into place. I loved that Katia apologized for yelling at her when impersonating Alex and Verónica, in her classic Vero way, just brushed it off like it was nbd. I mean, we know how much Katia’s words affected her when she thought they came from Óscar’s wife, but now that she knows who his real wife is and that she would never actually feel that way about Verónica, it’s like the power those words had over her evaporated the same way that “Martina”’s persona did. IDK, I just loved that exchange.

LASTLY, when Alex and Verónica are at the mysterious town Óscar was going to and they find the house where he supposedly lived, and Alex says they need to call Conrado and Verónica tells her about him finding out about them and that he’s mad at her and Alex tells her he found out because she talked about it in therapy. First of all, I like how this sets up a future scene between Alex and Conrado where you KNOW he’s gonna try to slut-shame Verónica like, “I don’t know what she told you but she always does that to get people into bed with her” or something and it will backfire spectacularly on him with Alex no doubt defending her and perhaps even getting mad at him for treating Verónica like that. CANNOT WAIT. And secondly, the way Verónica LOOKS at Alex while saying “You went to therapy... to talk about how we kissed a couple of times?” I’m--

She’s just SO AMUSED bless her little heart. Again, I thought she’d get mad at Alex for divulging her intimacy like that, but I should probably know Verónica better by now. The fact that she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what people think of her is what makes her such a compelling character.

Alex being like, “I went to therapy to talk about how I kissed my husband’s mistress, yeah”, basically like “What of it?”, and then ADMITTING SHE LIKED IT!!!!!!! What I loved, though, was the matter-of-fact way she says it. It wasn’t a grand, sweeping love declaration, nor was she expecting Verónica to reciprocate or respond to it in any way. She was just explaining why she went to therapy to talk about it. IDK I just found it so refreshing that she’s basically admitting to feeling more than friendship towards Verónica and it’s not weird or anything anymore because they’re way past that. Also, I liked getting confirmation that nothing happened beyond kissing. I strongly suspected it just from the way it was shot, but I’m glad I don’t have to wonder anymore. This also means I still have their first time having sex to look forward to. We just keep winning!!!

“Maybe you’re a lesbian.” “I hope so! At least I’d have ONE thing clear!” I’M SCREAMINGGGGGG. But also, I like how this implies that kissing Alex wasn’t something new to Verónica or something she lost any sleep over. Like she only talks about redefining oneself post-makeout in the second person, like Alex is the only one who needs to change the way she sees herself after realizing she enjoyed kissing another woman. Ever since she told “Martina” early in season 1 that she’d slept with a lot of “people,” I figured she was bisexual, so I’m taking this as confirmation just because I can.

ANYWAY, like I said, I needed to be intense about this episode. There was just SO MUCH to unpack and I don’t feel like I even put all my thoughts on here, but this is still quite enough, lol. TL;DR I was afraid the show would build on the reveals of the season 1 finale in a direction I wouldn’t like and that would ruin my enjoyment of this season (having Alex and Verónica take until at least episode 4 to become friends again and perhaps even later to start working together to solve Óscar’s murder, let alone start inching towards a romantic relationship or, worst case scenario, a time jump in which I’d miss the immediate confrontation between them and Alex trying to win Verónica back) but, instead, they gave me everything I wanted already in episode 1, including something I didn’t know I wanted, which is putting them in a place where they’re really close but still very much in the friend zone such that I didn’t miss the moment their relationship shifted into romantic territory and, best of all, I’ll still probably get to see a few moments of sexual tension (like that amazing scene with Alex being unable to sleep) until that finally happens.

UGH, THIS SHOW. Very, very few times have I been so satisfied with a single episode of television and the decisions made to resolve a cliffhanger. Usually, even when the writers give me what I want or my ship gets together, there’s still something I would have done differently or that the show missed and I didn’t get to see, but not here. I can’t think of a single thing that I would add or change because I was hoping I’d see it but it wasn’t shown. Like on the one hand, this is good because it means that I’m less stressed about the upcoming episodes and I’m content to just watch everything play out because I already got to see everything I wanted between these two in terms of a resolution to last season’s cliffhanger and there’s nothing I’m worried we won’t be shown. But, on the other hand, that just probably means it will all be downhill from here, LMAO. 

[5hfanfiction]

Me as Me, You as You - one

wattpad @ longerr_hours

“Lauser I swear to fuck if you don’t-” Dinah knocks but doesn’t wait over a second before swinging open her friend’s door, expecting it to be necessary to physically pry her out of her bed and to the car.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Lauren cuts in before Dinah can lecture her about being late to another appointment. Not that she wanted to go anyways, she was mainly humoring her best friend because she figured she’d blatantly rejected too many of Dinah’s ideas for the girl to still tolerate her.

“You’ve been majorly late two weeks in a row, not to mention the first few weeks you skipped out on completely…” Dinah trails off and smiles to herself when she sees that Lauren is in fact ready once she barges into her room and not in bed with headphones in as she had suspected.

“Look, I know this isn’t exactly something you want to do,” Dinah continues and at Lauren’s raised eyebrow she huffs before correcting, “at all, not something you want to do at all, but please? For me? Cooperate for just one session, okay? Who knows, maybe you’ll like it more than you expect and come crawling with your thankfulness for the experience and forgiveness for the bitterness to yours truly.”

Lauren had the gal to snort at that idea, but Dinah shrugs her attitude off and glares despite herself.

“DJ, I can absolutely promise you I’m not going to love it as much as you’re hoping, but maybe it won’t suck complete camel dick,” Lauren decides as she pulls herself up out of bed and reaches around the desk next to the bed in search for her leather jacket until it’s found and tugged on.

Dinah sighs as she watches, wanting to point out that it’s on the chair and not the desk, but she knows Lauren’s attitude would get even more moodier if she tried to help her in something Lauren considered simple. She would continue to debate over this but lately, as in ever since Dinah brought up the group meet, bickering about how sucky it was going to be was all the girls did.

“Well my car is on,” Dinah starts, deciding to leave the inevitable bickering for later. She reaches a hand to help Lauren who knowingly bats it away (used to Dinah’s offers for help), instead reaching for the door handle herself and allowing Dinah to grab her bag off the door handle and go out first, “so we’re not wasting anymore time talking alright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lauren groans, and Dinah knows she’s not as reluctant as she’s acting. Knows her best friend is at least a little bit curious as to whether this session will make any difference.

Dinah also knows Lauren isn’t going to accept any help so she doesn’t make her cautiousness, obvious, at this point she’s developed some good skill when it comes to spotting Lauren without the older girl noticing.

The walk down to Dinah’s car is quiet save for their footsteps on the cement stairs, and the first few minutes once they’re in the car are silent too, until Lauren breaks it in a voice with a subtle insecurity that Dinah has learned not to coo at.

Her friend is adorable, not her fault if she gets awed by the occasional vulnerability she shows.

“You’re staying the whole time, right?” Lauren speaks up, and Dinah can see now that not only is she at least slightly excited, but also nervous as hell.

Lauren had been to a few therapists and a few support groups, but all of them had been the same bullshit and Dinah had been there to cuddle and listen to Lana whenever Lauren needed to not let some tears out over the fact (Dinah never acknowledged the dampening on her shoulder, she knew Lauren’s walls were up for a reason and kicking them in any way was something she wouldn’t do).

She’d been to most of them with Lauren, and could see on her friend’s face when the disappointment settled and when she’d need to make an excuse to get them both out of there. Lauren never let it show how anxious she got leading up to a meeting, and it was usually by sarcasm and negativity, but Dinah knew how to read her like the back of her hand.

She could always see the little ways in which Lauren let it show in her smile and her posture and, well everything really. Dinah was an expert on the different fake tones when Lauren tried to stay bitter over something. She knew the quirk in Lauren’s lips and whether or not it was genuine or mocking. She just knew her friend, and she knew that going to so many meetings and being let down was taking a toll on her.

Lauren wasn’t too vocal with her thanks, but she’d always give Dinah her debit card to get them ice cream and Dinah knew Lauren was saying it in the best way she could when she let would grasp Dinah’s hand for just a moment in her own (plus did Dinah mention she was getting free ice cream? Yeah).

This one however, Dinah had heard about from a close friend of her mothers and she trusted anything that woman told her, so she figured it was of little risk.

She was always as protective over Lauren as she could be and maybe as protective over Lauren as Lauren was over herself, so she wouldn’t have though going to this meeting was a good idea unless she was at least 80% sure or higher that it was not going to be a disappointment.

Dinah was really hoping this wasn’t going to be another underdog victory for he numbers in her mind.

“I’ll be there the whole time,” Dinah answers, reaching to place a hand over Lauren’s and not taking it personally when the raven haired girl’s hand doesn’t return any affection. “And hey, if we need to go I already sniped out a convenience store a few blocks over so we can stop their for post ice cream then do whatever you’d like, okay?”

Lauren sighs before nodding shakily, “okay.”

The ride is quick, Dinah knows how to get there easily because her mother used to bring her there all the time.

It was a library. The main library room was a somewhat small one, circular with a wrap around glass window. The parts that weren’t glass were a dark wood.

From the main entrance, the hall to your right would lead to this library, but the hall to the left led to the dirty bathrooms and a small meeting room, where Lauren was supposed to be in a minute for a therapy type session.

This one in particular was a group, not just a one on one, because Lauren hated the one on ones more than anything in the dark, boring world - her words not Dinah’s.

“Okay… pulling up now,” Dinah speaks as she makes the final turn into the small lot that’s half empty, half full, not using Lauren’s handicapped pass to park because she knows how much her friend hates using it.

“Eight minute rule, okay?” Lauren says as she feels the car stop and Dinah agrees easily to the rule they’d made a few years ago, when they first started coming to these in which they leave after eight minutes if it’s sucky. Eight minutes is apparently long enough to determine whether or not something is worth it.

“As always Lo,” Dinah agrees and opens the door for herself before realizing she’d left Lauren’s stuff in the back and reaching behind her to pull it forward.

“Dinah I don’t need-”

“Lo it’s not like they’re not going to know you’re blind,” Dinah interrupts with a shrug, putting the folded cane into Lauren’s hand who reluctantly lets her. “It’s legit a support group for things like this, once you get talking you can’t just play it off like you’re here for support.”

“I could tell them I have a friend with a severely low IQ that I’m here to support,” Lauren deadpans as she pulls herself out of the car and Dinah gasps in faux offense, moving along to the other side of the car to lock arms with Lauren’s empty handed side.

“The nerve,” Dinah huffs.

She lets Lauren guide them too the door, she just has to point her in the right direction first.

-

“No mom, we’re not on our way yet,” Normani mumbles into the phone that’s pressed between her ear and shoulder.

“Yes mom we’re actually going. No it’s not an excuse to go out- mom when was the last time we went out? It’s Mila for fuck’s sake that girl could - shit sorry - damn it my bad, I guess I don’t have a filter,” Normani shrugs, blushing and fumbling to keep up with all of the hair she’s trying to braid.

“Mom I’ve gotta call you back we’re running late already and-” Normani pauses for a second to pull one hand free from Camila’s longs hair to check her phone for the time, “fuck yeah we’ve gotta get moving or we’re - I said sorry already I can’t help it mom, look I’ll call you later, okay? Yeah, yeah love you too,” Normani huffs and taps the end call before tossing her phone to the bed beside Camila so she can focus on her hair.

Camila is grinning sheepishly at her through the mirror they’re facing, trying to bite her lip to hold it back but obviously not succeeding as she breaks into small giggles.

“What you get better at that voodoo shit?” Normani asks with a smile, not being able to hold one back when she sees her best friend fall into a fit of laughter, even if it does make her braiding messier toward the end of the tail. “Don’t laugh at me Mila.”

Camila shrugs but keeps giggling to herself as Normani finally finishes this the band to end the braid and pulls away to grab for her phone again.

One look at her phone is enough to remind her that they’re late and she flashes it to Camila who’s face drops at the thought of not only being new but being new and late.

“We better get a damn move on girl,” Normani says once Camila’s up and grabbing for her own wristlet.

It’s quiet after that, both girls shuffling to grab everything they could possibly need and then some before Normani is left standing at the door, looking at her frantic friend with a ‘come on’ expressions until Camila finally turns to face her and snaps back to reality, grabbing a sweatshirt off her bed and running out the door, leaving a smiling Normani to follow after.

The two had been best friends since they weren’t even a full year old, and now at seventeen they were closer than ever. Actually, not really, they’d been insanely close forever is a better way to put it, and Normani is always just as fond of her best friend even in moments like this when she should be annoyed by her nature to be and/or to make them late for everything.

Once in the car, Normani puts on Ed’s new album because she knows Camila is obsessed with the lyrics, and makes sure it’s as loud as it can be without making the neighbors call a complaint since they are driving in a residential area still.

She doesn’t really care if they complain though, not when she sees Camila happily tapping along on the window to the vibrations the car is making.

Normani sings loudly and goofily to fill he silence for herself, and Camila laughs and dances along just as embarrassingly when she notices Normani’s movement out of the corner of her eye.

It was her idea to come to this meeting but in the beginning, when Camila’s accident was still fresh and they were trying to be as normal as they could be for two twelve year olds in a sucky situation, she never understood why Camila came to these.

Sure, it was support and stuff but Camila couldn’t really participate. Normani always ended up speaking for her and later retelling any interesting stories that Camila had missed. Sometimes Camila went without Normani and the older girl wondered if she had someone else talk for her or if she just sat there. She was never rude about it (at least she doesn’t think, but actually twelve year olds are all dicks so she might’ve been), but she did ask Camila after breeching the question a few times why she did go.

Camila wrote her an essay to answer (which knowing Camila, Normani should have seen coming). She explained how she felt like svn though nobody really paid much attention to her, she was with people who were going through similar things. Not too similar, but they understood what it was like to be at a disadvantage. it was long, and kind of made Normani feel like a bad friend for even needing an explanation.

Being happy simply with a group of strangers who just so happen to have one thing in common with you, even if none of them pay you any mind, is such a Camila thing to do it doesn’t need anymore questioning from Normani.

Normani has never been to the building, and only been to a few meetings with Camila, but when she pulls up to the small office that she’d written the address to, she can’t help thinking it’s not what she’d suspected.

A library? What type of support group meets in a children’s library? That’s what Normani though it was at least. She didn’t remember the address of the directions, but the building is vaguely familiar and the only explanation she can think of is that she came here as a child.

Camila wastes no time hopping out of the car though once it’s stopped. And she wastes even less time furrowing her eyebrows then going to pull Normani up too, seemingly not shocked by the location and it makes sense when Camila tugs her towards the door then leads her in the other direction.

Maybe she looked more into this place than Normani did since she seems to know more about it. Which is probably good, since Normani just saw a flyer in school and thought it might be a cool idea for Camila to go to.

There’s a set of double doors with a “Do not disturb” sign on one of the doors with “group in session” written in messy hand writing on the bottom.

Camila smiles nervously and Normani squeezes her hand in reassurance before letting herself be pulled towards the doors. 

an, so I had this idea and I have school in like three hours to be up for but yeah. Idk how long this’ll be but feedback is always appreciated

I might make it a long one shot with this intro, but i might make it a miniseries? any preferences? pls let me knowy (also I’m so busy lately so i might not actually follow through with updating for a while but I will)

[cosmosogler]

today i had a rage aneurysm.

i got up on time after a few hours of eve barking and whining in my face. my brother SHOULD have let the dogs out for a bit before he left for school, but i don’t know if he actually did. i had dreams about being a vaguely child sized person in a huge industrial complex, that was also very much outdoors and made of glass. it’s hard to describe. i want to say food court/gift shop, but also factory and farm. there were elements of each not very far away from each other. i did not know where to go or what i was there for, but i sure was there! i met a few people that i didn’t like very much, but i spent time with them anyway, because it was either spend time with them or spend time alone and even more lost.

anyway, i trained my pokemon and took care of the dogs and gave them snacks and had a bagel for lunch, which i almost managed to finish without getting sick. i forced the rest of it down even after i got sick anyway, so i guess that didn’t matter.

then i went to therapy. it was going alright, we were talking about my childhood and how i went to a boarding high school and how i never felt accomplished or proud of myself even after, like, earning scholarships or whatever. 

then she got into the idea that “you can’t truly love another being until you love yourself.” i told her i disagreed. i love my dog eve more than anything else and i don’t love myself at all. she did a kind of condescending laugh and said she meant other humans, because animals aren’t really alive the way humans are. 

i took a deep breath and told her they were animals just like us. she looked confused and maybe a little insulted and asked if i really thought humans were just animals. i said there was a quantitative difference, sure, but it seemed like she was equating consciousness to language. she said it wasn’t the same thing, that animals have their own language and stuff but they still weren’t sentient the way PEOPLE are. i thought about how i’d seen elephants painting, and dolphins naming each other, and told her about how crows play games and tell stories. she said it’s a practical behavior and i very clearly described that the crows grab on to other animals’ tails until they notice. she said it served a purpose and i thought about animals playing in the snow and rolling down hills. i thought about how eve always knows what i’m going to tell her to do even before i ask her to do anything. 

i asked her what she thought differentiated us from other primates. she asked if i really thought humans evolved from monkeys. i said “no, we’re cousins.” she said we evolved from tree shrews. i asked where humanity began and how that separated us from other animals. she said something about how the first humans came down from the trees, and i wanted to ask what made the first human a human as opposed to her parents, but i was getting pretty annoyed. 

i kinda get quieter the more angry i get.

i mean, i get the “humans are spiritual and animals aren’t” train of thought. but i think animals can be spiritual, and we just don’t understand or pick up on it. what must our pets think of us? what kinds of stories do dolphins tell each other? why is culture and particular tool-making techniques passed down between generations of animals? why are wild animals more afraid of humans than their natural predators? i saw a study on that yesterday. it was about badgers.

just because we started all this stuff first or whatever doesn’t mean we’re the only ones doing it now.

anyway, i asked how the earth was conscious if the animals on it aren’t. she said it’s a different kind of consciousness. she said i could never really love anything if i didn’t love myself first. she asked if my parents thought they were loving, and i said probably. mom always talks about me like one of her possessions, to her coworkers, to hospital staff. she asked if i also thought they were loving, and i said of course not, and she gave me the look that said “checkmate atheists!” like just because i think i love something doesn’t mean i actually do. she said i just don’t understand and i don’t read enough, and to read eastern spirituality books, because those philosophers know what they’re talking about. the human soul is beyond understanding. i’m too young to have figured it out.

i wasn’t just angry. i was furious. i don’t know how other people see me or read my emotions, but i hope she saw the way my eyes hardened. i hope she saw the way i was gripping the armrest of the couch and how i took my hand off it to rest my cheek on my fist. when we were out of time, i wished her a good weekend, and walked out of the office, and sat in the car, and just about screamed. i drove a few minutes down the road to the doctor’s office, parked, and cried and texted asher about it. my ipod ran out of batteries even though it was at 20% so i yelled at it. it didn’t hear me though.

it can’t be true. it can’t be that way. i’ve seen the way eve looks at me. she’s alive. she has feelings and opinions, like about her food or which patch of grass is the most comfortable, even if she doesn’t know the words for those opinions. just because she’s older doesn’t mean she’s right. older people believe in stupid bullcrap all the time, like how my grandparents think big business is great and all it takes to succeed is effort, because that’s how they did it. i love my grandparents, but they’re not correct about everything. 

that can’t be the way it is. i refuse to believe that. humans aren’t special. they’re not. what happens if we start talking to aliens? are they also not truly alive because they’re not human? what kind of... egocentric... inconsiderate... drivel is that? 

i didn’t get this view from my parents. my mom doesn’t even remember our pets’ names sometimes. how can she just blatantly ignore the evidence, in the same breath she was calling me narrow-minded? how dare she tell me to look up her philosophy, like i haven’t already checked some of her claims about scientific studies? how dare she tell me i don’t actually love eve, not just because i don’t love myself, but because she isn’t another member of a collection of temporary, somewhat arbitrary, sexually compatible gene patterns? 

like, sure, i understand synergy, i understand that biological constructions are more than the sum of their parts. but you can’t just say that’s only true for humans. and we’re still made up of parts. if you take away even one important part, the whole thing stops working and you die. just because there’s more to life than just a chemical reaction doesn’t mean it’s not still also a chemical reaction.

anyway, i went to see my doctor, and i practically gave myself an ulcer waiting for the doctor to see me after the nurse left when she took my blood pressure. i tried to distract myself by thinking about stupid songs and going all the way through them, and i found myself stumbling over tongue twisters even in my internal monologue, which i thought was kind of strange. i ran out of music several minutes before she came in. we talked a bit, and she poked around at my stomach and it was still sore, and she suggested i think more about philosophy to quell existential anxiety. not in those words, but that’s the best way to summarize it i can think of.

god i’m still mad just thinking about it. i laid my insecurities and love bare in front of her, and she found it lacking, a few minutes after specifically saying she’d never attack or hurt me. and she didn’t really attack, but i was trying so hard to supply more information and be less hesitant about sharing details this time. it was impossible to say ANYTHING by the end of the session except “have a nice weekend” and smile as pleasantly as i could. 

i guess that made me worry a little bit. if i can be relatively friendly on the outside while on the inside i am absolutely fuming, what if other people do the same to me? what if someone is angry with me, or about something i’m doing, and they don’t let it show? they just go on hating me? how am i supposed to do anything about that? if i can be deceptive in how i feel about others, and still spend time around them, then isn’t that old reassurance that “your friends wouldn’t hang out with you if they didn’t like you” not true any more? 

i have been feeling sore ever since about halfway through the session, when i put into words why i get so upset when mom calls me emotionally stunted and/or autistic. there is nothing wrong with being autistic. it’s just a way people can be. but mom thinks i am autistic, and she thinks autistic people are retarded. in her own words. 

how am i supposed to work with that. i am afraid to even mention being tested about it to my doctor because what if i am? would everything my mom said about me be right? 

i don’t... feel like that description fits me. i don’t have very much trouble reading social cues, at least, i don’t feel like i do. i don’t know whether that comes naturally or from 20 years of intense, desperate practice. i spent... a long time thinking i was emotionally... broken somehow though. like i don’t have the full range of emotions. i don’t know if that has anything to do with autism because whenever i talk to any of those guys they seem to have everything in working order, at least as far as capability for feeling all the emotions goes. i dunno, mom always told me that very matter-of-factly when i was a kid. i’m math smart, but i can’t do people at all. i don’t know if thinking she was right (because when you’re 4 or 5 your parents know everything) led to genuinely feeling like i can’t handle people, and then being legit unable to handle people, or if i was always that way. 

and then, does she only bring that up because i am part glenn, and mom hates glenn? does she think that of him too and projects it onto me? i know one of his kids is autistic. i know it can run in the family. i mean, i know mom hated/hates my sister, and always told her i was the smarter one, and then would turn around and call me too stupid to live. how did my sister feel about that? she was always told she’s “people-smart” and then mom would act like that’s not as important as math-smart. 

but i’m not even... particularly good at math. i’m good at remembering strings of numbers, which lets me write down less when i am doing math, but i am just as prone to mistakes as everyone else in my class, if not moreso. i still write everything down to make sure i got it right and it takes me longer to solve the same problems. understanding how division works and extending it to longer numbers isn’t hard. integration by parts is hard. it never stopped being hard the way division and fractions stopped being hard when i figured them out. 

i guess realizing i wasn’t that great at math, just interested in it, made me realize i wasn’t good at anything. i wasn’t good at talking to people, or reading and understanding my own emotions, i wasn’t any better at school than my classmates, i get average grades now. whether i’m not good at talking to people and understanding myself because of confidence issues and/or never learning how because mom didn’t bother teaching me doesn’t matter any more. the fact is that i’m not practiced at it. i’m not skilled. i am incapable of loving people the way they want to be loved. 

before he left for vegas dad told me i’m not allowed to take diogi to the park any more. her arthritis is getting real bad, she can’t use her hind legs barely at all. i feel really bad though, because she loves going for walks, even really short ones. she just loves being out front. if i take one of the dogs out for a walk without her she howls until i get home. i knew eventually one of the walks i took her on would be her last walk, but now that i hit it, i feel really bad... it’s hard to look at someone who gets so bored and say, “no more adventures for you, for the rest of your entire life.” like the last time i took eve to sedona. she was so exhausted by the time we got home that she couldn’t even move. there was no way i could take her for another all-day outing ever again. 

it’s hard to, like, think of someone and a bunch of times you had fun together and say “that will never happen again.” it’s hard to know that one of these times i take eve out around the neighborhood will be the last time she sees the neighborhood. even though she never slows down when we’re out on walks, i can tell she’s absolutely wiped after we get home. i only take her around the block and she spends the rest of the day conked out on the bed. 

i hate that i have to outlive my best friend, the friend i raised and taught and fed, and who sat with me and demanded i pet her when i was sad and punched me indignantly when i stopped even for a minute. i hate watching the tumor on her leg grow and wondering if it hurts her to walk. and knowing even if it did hurt her she’d still walk anyway because she likes to walk. 

i love that stubborn butthead. i’m still really angry that my therapist told me i couldn’t really love her, even though loving myself has nothing to do with loving someone else. i am not the same thing as someone else. eve is not me. i mean, yeah, being comfortable with yourself aids in forming healthy relationships and recognizing when a relationship isn’t healthy, but it’s not a prerequisite...

sometimes while i’m playing pokemon or browsing the internet i stop for a while to watch her sleep. it’s always a relief to see her breathing. i wonder if she dreams about running from something, or running after something. 

i stayed up an hour and a half past my bedtime ranting and raving about my therapy session like a jackass. you’re the only one who understands me, journal, etc. i’ve had to pee for like an hour but i stayed and kept writing instead because priorities. though i’ve had trouble taking care of myself if there was something more interesting to do since preschool, so that’s nothing new. i sure have hated my body and having to live in it for my entire life. even when i was four i would look in the mirror and feel that i was terribly strange-looking. 

ok, i’m gonna have to wrap this up and get ready for bed. the dogs haven’t been outside in a few hours and diogi likes to stand outside for a little bit before dad usually goes to bed. i tell myself that’s why i stayed up late, so the dogs could go to bed closer to their normal time, but i know it’s really because i just don’t want to sleep. i would rather sit and feel sorry for myself.

[artiya-il-muriel-chamuel-blog]

Caught.

😭

What.

I didn’t even know i was on your radar.

I genuinely thought that post in November was the last time you checked on my shit.

But this?

PRICELESS.

Ahhhhhhhhhaaaaahhahahahhaaaa.😭

At least spell the fucking word right.

And blocking me?

I haven’t checked your shit since April when i found out the post was about her and not me. (Though i should’ve stopped checking a long time ago. But you see how many things i post about you? LOL AS IF I’d stop my obsessive tendancies) but i was doing good , going on almost 2 months. But then i check my activities and ... 😭 bruh. how do you accidentally follow me and THEN block me. And why hasn’t tumblr taken out your name from my activities. I did myself the favor and deleted the notification bc i may write about you but i don’t want to know your kinky ass likes anymore or the asks you send girls for their snapchats and kiks and shit like the amount of times i wanted to screenshot and send it to her, but I’m not bc i want NO parts NOOOO parts . Im staying in my lane bc that is nottttt my business. Maybe y’all have an open relationship . Oh and btw one of your roommates was telling people you brought home a blond and fucked her 🤷🏽‍♀️ and then months later your girl came banging on the door yelling to talk with you. So i was like *sips tea * did you cheat David? I don’t think you did. Others were like a blond? His girl isn’t a blond and you HEARD THEM FUCKING? Nah he’s a cheater etc etc. But i was like nahhh he loves that girl he’d never cheat. The most you would do is like probably message some virtual girl when you’re bored and want attention but from experience i would hope you’d be smart enough to delete it. Evidence gone you know? But Physically cheat? Nah idc how much people say you’ve changed. You’re gonna marry that girl. And i don’t think you’d be dumb enough to do that even in your angriest lonliest days. I hope not David, BE NICE TO HER. Don’t be like dan entertaining other girls while you’re with her that’s so unfair ESPECIALLY because she’s older than you and has a job you should be thankful for her and cherishing her and if you’re like stfu right now you don’t know what you’re talking about. Then good. Bc i don’t know I’m just telling you what I’m hearing so be smarter with your actions and if you are being dumb at least be smart enough to never let her find out. Slip ups happen, you’re human, just learn and do better. But you see ? Isn’t it amazing I’m off campus bc people would come up to me like did you know blah blah and I’m like 😐 stop talking to me about him. Nah lowkey i was dead sipping my tea bc i don’t even like tea but the tea they would spill would be too good 😭. It’s the chismosa in me 🤷🏽‍♀️. But yeah copacetic is in your bio why spell it wrong as your new name? 😐 change it bc i know it now 🤷🏽‍♀️ but i can’t see what on your page just your bio but it’d be nice if you changed your name bc i KNOW how crazy i could be and I’d make a whole new shit just to see if you posted anything new on my super low stalker days which is why i deleted the notification so do a girl a solid and change your name please so i don’t go down that rabbit hole. I’m here talking like i know you’ll read this but 😏 you know I’m crazy, fuck you’re crazy too! I KNOW you are. Your life man. I don’t knowww and i don’t care because I personally talk about the past you not the current you. Memories of you that haunt me and that’s it. But come ON you can check my shit but not be my friend ?😭 you’re bugging. Say hi whenever unless your pride is like 🤢🤮 never will i ever let her have her way again.

But I’m already winning. 😭. You’re in a relationship and still message girls to get nudes. Why not ask your GIRL FOR NUDES instead of looking at other girls. But you know what I’m being hypocritical af rn. There’s nothing wrong in looking at nudes but like ASKING people for their social media platform to get them? WHILE in a relationship? Come on David 😕 do better. 😭 be better.

But i know not what your relationship is maybe y’all have an open relationship idkkkk not my place.

I know you’ll read this so I’m going to write a lot . You might stop reading now like. That bitch I’m not reading shit. But. Come on. You’ve gotten this far, anywho, yeooooo 😁 i hope everything is going good with you. Hope you got that job on deck. And you’re NOT 6’5” you’re tripping with that you’re barely 6’3” with your back straight. Sorry I’m just really trying to find the humor in all of this bc i was this 👌 close of calling and leaving a voicemail but I’m pretty sure I’m blocked on your cell also. I could be wrong but nah i texted you multiple times in hopes of having some cordial ending but you calmly were like scurt scurt. 🙄 annoying but understandable. But this? Ahhhh. I’m gonna be on a good high for like, probably until i go to Rome then I’ll get a good happy high there (like emotion wise not drug wise) but DAVID 😂 whenever you’re done being mad and weird, or “nonchalant” hit my line up so i can kick your ass on words with friends.

Oh man. 😂 i think that’s all i have to say. I just wanted to be like bringgggg that assssss hereee boyyyy for one last time.

Also, and i can’t believe I’m saying this. Because it’s like, ASHLEY, nooooo some things you don’t say.

But 🤷🏽‍♀️ sue me.

Actually don’t sue me bc i have no money ☹️.

But, change. 👏🏽your.👏🏽 email.👏🏽 on this. 👏🏽. Change it to the gmail, not the Lasalle one. Boy i told you that one time you called i checked your emails 🙄. And 👀 was Maddison the blond you might’ve fucked 🤔 you signed her in plenty of times at random times at night. But i would be like nahnahnah they’re just smoking buddies. But 😭 you know the chismosa in me is like *the picture of the guy with the strings piecing shit together like a conspiracy.* (see below for gif of it) but no. I believe you are an honorable man but 👀 you know i had to ask. ANYWHO big diversion. Yes, email. Change that shit. Why? Bc of a beautiful thing called YOU CAN SIGN IN TO TUMBLR USING YOUR EMAIL. So, you know crazy meeee back in like April totally invaded your privacy and read all your drafts 😅. Ugh. My heart. It swelled up soooo much. Why couldn’t you post that shit when we were together/ trying to work shit out so that i could read it and be like HE CARES HE ACTUALLY HAS A FUCKING HEART. But it’s okay that you didn’t they weren’t for me to read those were your personal thoughts that you specifically chose to not share with me but that’s dead why i thought the post was about me in April and then when i found out it wasn’t i was like WOW. But that’s cuz I’m stupid and should’ve never seen those in the first place i got SUPER in my bag about that. Listened to the playlist you shared with me on Apple Music about sad days. Smh. It was WILD. Anywho, Also this is how i know about you messaging girls on tumblr smh. And yes i have screenshots But that’s besides the point. The point is. Change your email to the gmail one. I’m not going to go through your shit anymore i haven’t since April bc i had a breakthrough with my therapist and found out that’s like jail time worthy behavior so i had to REIGN it the fuck in. But. Look at me telling the truth! Why? “Have you no shame Ashley? Like that’s psycho to an extreme even for you.” Is it really though? Like are you HONESTLY surprised ?

But yeah change that shit bc for all i know I’ll be at some low place again and will be like I WONDER and will go down the rabbit hole again and i do NOT have time for that shit.

Okay so , in conclusion. I’m trying to be good here, 1. I don’t know you, and I’m the last person to be judging you for things you may or may not be doing. 2. I’m not making fun of your relationship. I genuinely believe you’re going to marry her and have her kids i mourned about it in therapy fall semester but once i accepted it i was like okok it’s all good. 3. I may write about you not being there for me while i was raped a lot, this does not mean i think you’re a trash person or hate you for it. It was a shitty thing for you to do but you had your own life you had to deal with. I forgave you. It’s just something i can’t forget and randomly stabs me in the heart when I’m at my lows. I do not think you’re a trash person. You may be different from the boy i knew but that’s expected. Years of experiences changed you but i still believe you’re true and rad to your core. You love hard and you go hard for the people you care about. I believe you’re a good human. 4. Sorry for invading your privacy the times i did. I told you to change your email password 😭 but i know going to IT is a pain in the ass for it which is why i never changed mine but i knew you weren’t psycho like me so you wouldn’t be checking it anyways. 5. Change your email on tumblr to the gmail. That way i can never find your new tumblr or if you decide to change this name over and over. 6. Just change your email and change this name. You’ll be gone for good since you blocked me( I’m assuming that’s what this is since i can see your bio but not your posts or likes which is what google tells me means I’m blocked) 7. Heaven. Too slow. Drink. 8. Lol sorry i needed to make a joke but ayeee my favorite number so this has to be important. David, you know my spiel. You know how to contact me though i know you have no reason to but this is for future you in case in an not ideal world some shit goes down and you really just need someone to talk to and i know I’d be the last person you’d reach out to but, exactly, if it ever comes to that (God forbid, knock on wood)((not as a joke, legit, bc i genuinely want you to live a happy life)) but if it ever comes to that, my back is never turned to you. I’ll always be a message/phone call away. 9. This is the last post I’ll write specifically TO you. Any other post after this if it mentions you is bc, i do use this as an outlet and i used to reshape my words in hopes that you’ll see them but i don’t anymore (besides this one which is specifically targeted to you) the ones i write are to get them out of my system so i don’t suffocate. This is my outlet. So while you’re changing everything so i can’t find you on my bad days. This is for me. My eyes only (and the random people on the internet) but it’s not directed to you. And

10. I love you, you big butt. Through and through. Always have, always will. I don’t want you back. I understand why you don’t want anything to do with me. The past is the past. So, live fruitfully. Again, SORRY for invading your privacy. Please don’t press charges. I genuinely have no money for that type of thing.

Be nice. 😭 forgive meeeeeeeee.

Okay, have fun in all you do. You’re in the real world now kid ! On to the next adventureeeeee. ADVENTUREEEE.

Oh and this is the pic i was talking about when i said the picture guy piecing together shit vv

[vixen-vangogh]

polyvore was being a pain in the ass no matter how many words i tried to censor so here’s the life update i meant to put in that set

- have been living in a somewhat stable housing environment for almost a year and four-ish months now which is WILD and a huge record break for me.

- kind of have a partner? we're def QPPs and have been nomadic vagabond companions since like 2015 and have been sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, making life plans together hardcore since then. when i try to explain our relationship to others i explain that we are like Bert and Ernie from sesame street. it's not romantic but it's definitely a very serious thing and there is nothing i could forsee that would face our future that would not be faced together as companions. i was kind of chatting with a buddy the other day who was asking abt stuff and i was mentioning how an aphobe asked, 'how is this different from a best friendship, why do you need to call it a queerplatonic relationship?' and my instinct was to be all, 'well idk i mean i think most best friends don't stick their tongues in each others mouths' but like that said, some best friends do that and its totally legit but the main difference is we call it this because it is more accurate to the intricacies of our relationship.

a best friendship implies different things and a QPR is what we have been calling ourselves for some time.

- have come across the term alterous attraction many many moons ago and have concluded that more or less, this has been the basis for all the experiences of 'attraction' i have thought i felt in other categories. turns out i just love being pro/miscuous and cuddly and affectionate with people and it doesn't necessarily have to have any of the other attractions present. it's just an expression of my alterous attraction. and idk it just seems to make way more sense. someone said it was a commonplace for pre-questioning lesbians to make up to themselves crushes on boys with calculations involved about why this person is attractive.

i think maybe i do experience other forms of attraction but they're seldom enough that it's more anecdotal. and i'm going to call them crushes anyway bc it doesn't matter what i say or do - people are going to be confused by me and who i am and i shouldn't have to sacrifice the nuances involved in who i am and how i live my life to try and get smaller minds to understand it.

and nobody has to understand either. i don't even understand. that's heckin ok bro

- i've been on them 'ro/ids (testosterone) on and off for three months in spring/summer 2016 (androderm) and then the injections for some amount of time this year and there's been a lot of body changes. but mainly i'm looking at nu/des of other people on hormones and realizing like... what if I'm actually inters/ex? it makes no sense for my di/ck to be bigger than people a year on hormones in half the time, does it? like what's up there? and my body is signif hairier in a way that is noticeable to me and my QPP.

last week when I got the inje/ctio/n the nurse (who is a really nice lady? like smiley very friendly maternal type) asked me "how did you know?" without other context or anything.

I didn't really know how to begin because honestly no one had ever asked me that before and it's the one question I needed somebody else to answer back when I was like, 15/recently 16 and needed help finding myself. I wished future me could visit past me and tell me like, "hey jsyk this is what you concluded, here's the answers, and here's all the stuff I've realized about our past experiences that were actually Signs that you're #genderqueer"

and I think, another thing, I wish I could have told the past me, that the laws were going to rapidly change in my lifetime, and also to avoid any cis person who suggests therapy "for hormone starts" because that's what led me to like, 2 years of rather unhelpful talk therapy that turned into lowkey conversion therapy.

No one should ever make you write a sob story about your past before they allow you the autonomy to make decisions about your body.

I gave a little backstory of timeline and told her how my mom kept saying things like, "why are you so offended at the idea of being a woman?" etc and how we don't speak anymore, how I came out in 2011 and every day for the longest time I had to explain to other trans people who the heck I was. how my nonbinaryness was seen more as a delusion despite the fact that I found the wikipedia pages and message boards and I knew there were other people like me out there. I didn't know of another #nonbinary person until 2013 and even then I only met them in passing at a panel they hosted. (we ended up roommates for a bit around 2016 but that's another story)

I stopped having to give #genderqueer 101s to the LGBT+ community around 2014.

And I feel like after that Laverne Cox paved a lot of way for us, and Facebook started putting other genders on there (which I'd signed petitions for years before and considered to be a hoop dream)

and there's been corrective r/a/pe I've gone through and so many tears I've cried and sui/cide attempted and hospital visits

and things are definitely still horrific and I can never afford groceries. I don't eat enough to sustain myself and live on welfare and am too medicated and disabled to work and have tachycardia and PTSD and other complications of my own forced resilience

but I'm on testosterone or whatever and I look at the changes that have gone on and I know that I was a part of that

but I'm never going to get credit for it and it pains me how much I'm suffering because I started advocating earlier than the majority of trans people out today.

if I had come out to my mom years later, would we be speaking?

it doesn't ultimately matter, because if we kept speaking I still would have ended up d/ead. coming out and having her react like that, topped with her steal/ing from me when I was homeless, years of sui/cide baiting, physical + emotional + etc a/buse my whole life, it's miraculous I ever made it out alive

it's so painful but I just have never had the privilege of choice.

- I've been thinking to go back to school maybe and that I need to actually go at it full force with passion because I think I have gotten way too down on myself for the results that have come from my own halfa/ssery of it all. And my own procrastination etc.

I wish I had access to medical care as a child or counselling or something more than I ever did have because maybe I would have excelled in school instead of suffered to try and keep my head above water. I mean, I graduated honours (equivalent).

there's too much about my life to be angsty about.

- also idk if i mentioned this but i got ar/rested for protecting indigenous folks at a thing and it was in the news and im not going to talk much more on it bc of privacy but i'm happy to dig up the video of the pol/ice dragging me away and the crowd shouting (and gendering me right ;u;) "LET THEM GO, LET THEM GO" and i was a pathetic mess thru the whole thing and just had the wrong emotions the whole time and like 3+ reporters tried to get a hold of me for interview but I forwarded them to the indigenous leaders of the ceremony instead

we prayed inside the arre/st tent and put down tobacc/o and held ceremony and the c/ops were horrible and took so much personal offence to everything we were and every reality that happened that they wanted to deny. they banned us from the public land we were arrested on and it was horrible.

it was in the news and justin tr*deau showed up for a photo op and the organizers weren't allowed in their own tipi. he wasn't invited.

those with the land claim to the area made an official statement welcoming us and condemning the go/vernme/nt for arrestin/g us.

nothing was ever done about that bit other than them releasing us and i went to the hospital the next day to get my wrist checked because i couldn't really use it and the handcuf/f bruises and the bruise on my knee was massive. it's been two months and it's only now faded.

twitter blocked the image of us in the a/rrest tent holding hands in prayer with the hand/cuffs on our wrists. they said it contained "sensitive content"

tumblr did the same, calling it "NSFW" (weird bc literally photographs of my actual na/ked body with links to where u can buy videos of me jerkin is not labelled NS/FW automatically lol?????)

i asked tumblr to review that and they still labelled it as such.

it's just so blatantly a genuine broach of free speech and freedom of religion. it was a crimi/nalized religious ceremony and i got between the co/ps and a woman praying.

- i saw Against Me! in march and the mosh pit was extreme and I fell down at some point and like seven people pulled me up and that and the getting arre/sted thing has really hecked up my knees ! i feel like they're mostly healed since but i've not even been kneeling on my mattress for even a second to make sure of this. otherwise it's just been sudden pain for months but as i said, i think they're a lot better now.

- i came forward abt a pr/edatory ex and a few others of their victims came to me to say that they had gone through the same and that they were even more pre/datory than had been with me. i lost quite a lot of friends in the matter bc what i accused them of was extremely serious and came across as vicious on my part.

i'm going to take it as alright though, because i know that i've put what i said out there, and if they have read it at all, they can at least have these ideas in their mind going forward and take precautions. this ex was confronted publically and directly on social media about it and there were several witnesses and screenshots i had to things they did and said. i'm hoping that serves as some kind of warning for them, about their actions that they have confessed to with several people, and how these things will come back for them. that they cannot evade accountability, that i am a force of nature and if you wrong me or do a wrong in my witness with no remorse on your part or apology, i'm not going to let you live it down.

i care and i am tired of hearing horrible stories about them from others. others who came to me saying that i had been painted as an abus/er. because i know ! people see me standing up for myself as threatening all the time. they worry they aren't allowed to make mistakes around me.

no matter how many times i say it or prove it, there's always those people who are too cowardly to admit when they do make mistakes and who go to great lengths to protect their pride and entitlement.

i know we are all growing. i seek environments of mutual support and growth. i am now in a phase of life where i am not giving the time to people who have no interest in these environments. anyone can be my friend, if they are ready for it. but i don't owe it to anybody and anything wrong i have done i am at a point where i feel like i am in touch with my own humility.

and if someone tries to milk it because they think my vulnerability isn't also strength and something that comes with at least some ferocity... well, that's not my problem.

- my rabbit Snicklefritz is doing fine. he's shedding like the dickens this season and mischievous as usual but hopefully one day I can afford to make him an enclosure again and I can let him out only when I can keep track of him.

he's ruined a lot of sketchbooks and a lapdesk my QPP got me for the winter holidays that we are both heartbroken about.

- I am trying to become less attached to material belongings and it has helped me a lot when it comes to coping with all the sentimental items left with my mother or in the various times I've been homeless or left exes etc over the years.

My memories are in my heart and not something that needs to be placed externally, in an item.

Have also trying to go zero waste (like, becoming someone who produces no garbage, just recycling and compost) and it's really been noticeable all these small differences. I buy way more bananas, lettuce, etc. And I've been making bread and spaghetti and whatnot and having windowsill gardens.

- I'm not cured of anything or whatever and I'm angsty 24/7 and broke as heckaroo but there's enough of The Little Things In Life (gardening, youtube videos, kisses, etc) to help me get by in the meantime.

- three days ago a friend (who I consider(ed) chosen family) I had purposefully cut out of my life a year ago showed up on my doorstep to tell me I was right about everything and to apologize for all the wrongs. That they reread conversations we had around then and that they have grown and grown into a better place. They were 18 then and 19 now. We were from the same hometown and they're still there but moving to my city in December. I missed them so much and they stayed with me a few days. I feel a bigger sense of home in this city knowing they're going to live here soon too.

- I've been Really Intensely looking thru my DNA and geneology stuff since last winter. For some reason Indian (like, South Asia) shows up in my DNA and some southern Europe/Northern Africa/Middle East kind of region. My father was adopted via a stepdad and I figure this comes from his bio dad. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't really know. My maternal haplotype is supposed to be one that's generally found in African populations which throws that whole theory. My mom and me also had to use hair picks (afro picks) when I was growing up because our hair was so naturally thick and the waves really tangled up. Every time we went to get my hair cut in that white rural town the hairdressers would comment how they'd never seen such thick hair before etc. I'm still struggling greatly to find answers because everybody's last name is phoenetically weird except for my dad's mom's line which has an extremely Cornwall last name and anyone with that name is definitely part of that family.

Doing research to find what I was told growing up (that I was Kanien'keha:ka via my maternal grandmother's grandmother) has been very difficult because I'm not sure which grandmother of hers it was, and one of them seemed to remarry several times and I cannot be sure of any of the surnames being a maiden name. It's also really hard to know what the spelling was supposed to be because it was written phoenetically. But I think that one's likely English anyway. The other one I haven't reached yet but my grandmother's father's father seemed to be from a Metis community outside a reserve where I remember being told we had ancestors. It seems we're descendants of some really famous anglo Metis folk. I've not figured out the specific links to lock the names all into place properly in my family tree but it's the surname and the small community that are an exact match and on the message boards.

It's a lot to think about. I've been struggling with my racial identity for a long time and regardless of nuances and ethnic identity I feel like I'm just doing this research to seem special or more interesting or to branch out my activism. DNA is not ever going to tell me who my ancestors were, just the locations a small handful of random specific ancestors lived. Family trees are going to help, but they're not going to help me too much as someone who doesn't actually have blood family I'm in contact with really.

I might see if I can get in touch with an older cousin I have on Pinterest because she seemed to be the only one (besides my younger cousin) who really ever sent me vaguely kind gestures after I came out. She was the only one who seemed to be supportive when I did my grandma's eulogy. (Aside from my sibling who went up with me. But I don't speak to my sibling for other reasons.)

I have a paternal cousin as well but we're more half-cousins as my dad's mom had a few different men in her life and I don't actually know if he does have full bio-siblings. I don't really know if it's worth it to reach out to her because with all the technicalities and separations and adoptions and half-relatives I don't know whether I can ask her to ask around, or if I can just ask her, or what.

Anyway whatever it's just easiest to explain my ethnicity as being Metis because talking with others and stuff it seems like maybe this is the best way to label myself, to explain my complicated history and acknowledge that my blood ties are not what makes me me, but rather my ethnic ties. I have traditions and beliefs and ancestors I'm reconnecting with and trying to find.

Not all my ancestors were great people. But it is interesting as heck to learn about them. (Especially seeing pictures and some of the weirder resemblances from like, 5th great grandparents.)

Also one of my greats of grandparents crossed the US-Canada border several times in his life and near the end of them the border agent wrote "seems odd" on the thing and I haven't found any explanation for why he was crossing the border either lol which is pretty dang interesting imo.

- anyway idk I think I'm good ?? have been getting a lot of new interests and hobbies lately which feels good, feels right

i'm getting muscles because of them hormones and probably eating healthier or whatever and drinking more water and just livin life as best i can

could use some more dollars however but what can u do when welfare doesn't go up to match minimum costs of living haha :)