adcreepy

[foxgloveinspace]

@excelsior9173 sorry I took so long to respond, the adhd adhded hard and when I went looking for the transformers DVDs I ended up uhhhhh reorganizing the entire dvd and VHS collection which is a task that’s been put off for like 6 years.

BUT!!! I found the transformers DVDs (wasn’t until the end tho!) and loooooooooooooook the pamphlet is still in it😭😭😭. It’s Bee and the car:

I have only watched a bit of one of the older cartoons (can’t remember which one) and the live action movies. I do want to watch more but it’s so hard to find either places to watch or to buy them on dvd.

Which one is your favorite???

[xfangheartx]

Summary- Blitzø tries to visit Stolas, and things do happen.

Preview:

  Octavia didn’t understand anything, anymore. Just when she thought she had finally obtained some normalcy in her life… this happens. Her father comes home in tears, claiming that Blitzø, the object of his affection, had finally confessed his love for him… and then took it away. Now, Stolas was even more miserable than he had ever been with Stella if such a thing was possible.

  Now, Octavia found herself back at square one… except her seething hatred for the imp who broke her father’s heart had increased twofold. Just when she finally begins to accept that Blitzø was a part of her father’s life, the imp does a complete 180 and decides that he doesn’t want to be with Stolas anymore because he no longer needs him. Now Octavia was back to being the brooding teenager that she had turned into when her father first committed his infidelity with Blitzø, locking herself up in her room and blaring her music into her ears with her headphones.

  As Octavia sat in the palace drawing room, she somehow heard a knock on the door despite having her headphones up full blast. She sighed before she got up and walked to the front door, but just in case, she looked out through the stained glass window. The moment she did, she narrowed her glowing pink eyes before she pulled her headphones off her head and pulled open the door… revealing Blitzø standing in front of her, giving her an awkward smile.

  “Um… hi, Octavia-” he started, only to be cut off.

  “Don’t you fucking dare,” Octavia interjected. “You’ve got some fucking nerve, showing your face here after the shit you said to my Dad!”

  “Octavia, look, I know you’re upset-” Blitzø started.

  “I am beyond fucking upset, you asshole!” Octavia snapped. “I am furious!! My Dad says that he loves you, and THIS is how you react?! You tell him that you love him back, but then you say that you don’t need him anymore?! What kind of person confesses to someone and then rejects them at the same fucking time?! And to think, I actually started to like you!!”

  “I… I was…” Blitzø started, and yet the words kept dying in his throat. “Look, Octavia, if you could just let me talk to your dad so I can explain-”

  “Forget it!” Octavia interrupted. “My Dad doesn’t want to talk to you! So just do us both a favor and leave us alone!!” She then slammed the door in the imp’s face, causing him to flinch before he hung his head and turned to head back to his van, only for the door to open again. However, as he turned around, Octavia suddenly shoved a cardboard box in his hands, full of T-shirts, some sex toys, and even a copy of Spirit on DVD.

  “W-what is all-” Blitzø started.

  “It’s stuff that you left here whenever you spent the night with my Dad!” Octavia answered. “He told me to give it to you if you ever showed your shitty face around here! And by the way, he wants the stuff he left at your place too!”

  “…I see…” Blitzø muttered as he held the box. “I’ll, uh… I’ll send them, then.” With that, he turned to walk away, only to stop and look back. “Hey… where is your dad, anyway?”

  “He’s getting ready to go some party on Earth,” said Octavia as she crossed her arms. “Verosika Mayday invited him. I can’t go because I’m too young. I’m not telling you where it is.”

[bobo-archive2]

A Small Moment (one you won’t recall)

Summary: Raine and Eda decide to start binge watching Golden Girls and Eda dozes halfway through the first season.

Rated G, 435 words

Requested by @ind1estar (my inbox is open for other Raeda ficlet requests btw <3)

Eda had insisted Raine would enjoy this show. Golden Girls it was called. Camila had lent them a dvd set of the entire series and they’d started it tonight.

The two had been looking for a show to binge for a while, now with the university finally fully on track they wanted something peaceful to do together. This one had been one Eda had watched some of at the Noceda’s and she claimed it was good from what she saw.

Eda had ended up being right. Raine found the show to be charming and incredibly funny. Raine was shocked by the fact that the entire series was in fact 180 thirty minute long episodes.

They’d managed to get through half of the first season before Eda fell asleep sometime during the thirteenth episode. Raine had chuckled when they noticed after the episode ended. The room was dark around them and it was incredibly late now. The other residents of the house had long since retreated to sleep.

They ran their calloused hand through her wild gray strands. She smiled softly at the touch, indicating she hadn’t fully fallen asleep.

“You want to call it quits for tonight?” Raine asked. The two still had tomorrow, they could finish the first season before the weekend was over.

Eda let out an unintelligible mumble. They chuckled at this.

“We can stay here if you want.” The bard lifted their finger and levitated over a blanket that they placed on top of them. Eda nodded as it landed, snuggling up slightly closer to Raine.

“Back’ll hurt… too tired…” She muttered. Raine raised an eyebrow before realizing what she meant.

“Oh,” they said, “We don’t have anything tomorrow, it’ll be fine.”

“Mhm,” She fell over onto the pillow on the edge. Raine laid down beside her and pulled her in. The two were face to face now and Raine could observe in detail Eda’s (nearly) sleeping face. The freckles that splashed her cheeks, her lipstick, long smudged from the day. Every part of it was beautiful.

They spent a few moments staring before they heard Eda begin to snore. Raine smiled and took off their glasses, putting them on the table beside the sofa.

“I love you.” They said to her.

While it was met without response, they didn’t mind. After all these years, they finally were at peace and were able to lay beside her. Their eyes closed as they continued to think. They were able to be vulnerable like this to each other, without worrying so deeply about each other.

And Raine was more than happy with that.

[tf-boi]

Living Threads

In a seemingly normal room with just two boys studying for their holiday homework lies two friends. Sho is a shy boy with blueish hair with a strand sticking out like an ahoge, purple eyes and slim figure, the room they are in is his room. The other boy is Rai who is tall for his young age with black hair and blue eyes. 

“Ah~” Sighed Rai, “This is annoying to do~ I don’t get it!”

Sho giggled and scooted closer to his friend “Well you see. . .” After explaining the homework they finish up as the two lied down on the ground.

“Man you are so smart Sho!” Rai said, patting Sho’s head “I’m really not cut out for this. . .”

Sho smiled “Nah, I had to study for hours to get it. . . what do you want to do now? It's still pretty early.” 

“How about we watch some porn!” Rai pulled out a DVD “I got a new one today!”

Sho blushed “W-what right now?!” 

“Don’t be shy, it's not our first time doing it with each other! I’m pretty sure you have your own stash too!” Rai said, standing up rummaging around the room.

“Wait, Rai don’t go snooping!” 

“What’s this?” Rai said, pulling out a blank DVD. “Oho~ Found your stash! Let's pop it in!”

“WAAIIIIT!” Sho screamed, but was too slow to stop Rai.

The screen showed static then cuts to two guys having sex.

“What? Looks like normal porn to me. . .” Rai said puzzeled.

“Ohhh faster faster!” The one being fucked said 

The man behind him covered the other’s mouth and said “Now let’s get started~”

Sho and Rai watch as the top starts feeling up the bottom, as the bottom slowly transformed into a sock and the Top finishes inside his former partner.

Rai looks and Sho stunned “Soooo, you're into this?”

Sho looked down too embarrassed to look at Rai, but precum flowed from below Sho’s shorts. 

“Y-yeah, it's kinda hot. . .don’t you think?”

Rai got up with a spark in his eyes “Hell yeah! Sho let’s do it! Turn me into something!”

Sho turned bright red “A-ahh. . .let me try. . . “

Sho grabbed Rai and slowly felt his body up, Rai’s body started to flatten and fall to the ground. 

“Woah. . .I feel funny! My skin is turning all white!” Rai said.

“My Limbs!” Rai gasped as his arms and legs sunk in.

In a few moments Rai has become a white tube sock.

“I can’t believe it! I’m a sock!” Rai thought, as he no longer has a mouth.

He then felt his body being picked up and wrapped around Sho’s hot and hard cock.

“This is so hot!” Sho said as he began to masturbate with his friend!

“Ohhh s-so this is Sho’s cock! I love it mmmmmmmm harder daddy!”

Sho continued to stroke his cock with his friend.

“Ohhh ohhhh” The two boys moaned feeling each other.

Steam filled the room as Sho stroked his cock faster and harder by the minute.

Each stroke made Rai feel like he was gonna rip.

“Ahhh ahhh!” Sho moaned as he came into Rai’s body.

Sho sat gasping for air leaving the sock on his cock.

“You’re so hot Rai in this form!” 

“I wish I can stay a sock forever but. . .ahhh” Rai thought as his body began to reform. “Where’d you learn to do that Sho?”

“Internet. . .I can only do simple transformations with close people but you were so good!”

“But. . .you didn’t feel like you were into it. . .it felt kinda off?” 

“Oh. . that's because. . .” Sho turns away.

“Hmmm?” Rai questioned with Sho’s cock still in him turning slightly harder.

“I’m. . .I’m into PERMANENT transformation. . .” 

“PERMANENT!?” Rai got up and put his hands on Sho’s shoulders “DUDE LETS DO IT!”

Sho blushed “WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!” 

Rai gets closer “BRO LETS DO IT! I WANT TO BE YOUR SOCK FOREVER!”

Sho said meekly “But, I’m into underwear. . .”

Rai kisses Sho out of nowhere “That's even better, I’ve always been in love with you. . .and you saying I can spend my life against your balls and cock 24/7. . .I’m in! Leave it to me!” Rai said exiting the room.

Sho picked up the DVD and says to himself “I didn’t think it would work if I left this out in the open. . .I love Rai so much and want to be with him, but the thought of him being my underwear for life was too hot to resist. . .”

A few weeks later.

“Okay here it is!” Rai said pointing to a large device.

“What is this?” Sho questioned.

The machine looked like a large sewing machine with an old school computer and a satellite dish on top.

“This thing is gonna turn me into your undies!” Rai exclaimed

“Wait, are you sure???” Sho questioned “I’m happy with the temporary transformations we’ve been doing these past few weeks.” 

“I’ve made up my mind! No more school! No work! Just balls and cock for the rest of my life!”

“But is that okay? What about your family??”

“Yes I am sure! Don’t worry, this satellite is gonna transmit a signal that permanently changes people’s memories so it's fine!” 

“But are you REALLY SURE? What if you regret it later?” Sho blushed.

“Nah I REAALLLY want this, and after what we’ve been doing, I am 1 million percent sure!”

Rai walked to the computer and started typing away, “Sooo super tight underwear. . .permanent transformation, stretches to fit the wearer snuggly. . .and change people’s memories. . .”

Sho started touching himself at the thought of wearing his best friend forever.

Rai walked up to Sho and put a pill into his mouth.

Sho gulped it down “W-what was that?!” 

Suddenly Sho felt very hot as his cock began to expand and grow, it was still limp but it had triple in size. 

Rai started to rub Sho’s now enlarged cock “Well if I’m gonna be your undies for the rest of my life at least give me something BIG to keep in me!”

“I love you~” Sho said in heat

“ I love you two. . .but I have ONE regret. . .” Rai said blushing 

“Hmm. . .” Sho looked 

“I’ve been cummed in a lot since you keep turning me into a sock, but I haven’t cummed once. . .”

Sho dropped his pants “Say no more~”

Rai walked behind Sho slumped over and notices he had a butt plug in him.

“You sly dog~” Rai said pulling out the butt plug.

Rai slowly inserted his hard cock into Sho

“Nnnnnn so hard I can finally feel Rai inside of me!” Sho moaned. 

Rai started to pound Sho while holding onto Sho’s arms.

“Ohh you’re so wet Sho~ So hot~!” Rai moaned.

Sho began to clench his ass cheeks tightening his ass for Rai “Fuck yeah ohhh yeaahhhh baby” Sho moaned as he felt his friend’s shaft inside of him. 

“You’re so tight~!” Rai squealed as precum oozes out of his cock so much that its dripping from Sho’s ass.

Sho had to hold back is lust as he was saving himself for later, but he couldn’t help his precum flowing out too.

“Fuck you are so big. . .” Sho moaned

“I can get bigger!” Rai said popping another one of his pills in.

Sho then suddenly feels a massive growth in his ass, it was Rai’s already big dick (8 inches, 21 cm) cock then triple in size (24 inches, 61 cm). Sho feels his insides getting rearranged as Rai’s lust grew with his massive cock, fucking his friend furiously.

“Fuck fuck I-i can barely hold it in~!!” Sho cried “But you feel sooooo gooooood~!!!”

Rai cried out “I’m only doing this once I better do it right!” He said as he lifts up Sho and starts making out with him without stopping. The two boy’s bodies wrap around Sho’s 18 inch (46 cm) cock.

As Rai fucks his friend he can feel his massive cock through Sho’s body.

Rai presses Sho’s body against the wall and fucks him harder using the wall as a support.

The heat of feeling both cocks overwhelms Rai’s mind.

“Hnng god.. .I’m cumming!” Rai screamed as gallons of his semen pump out of him filling up Sho’s stomach, leaking out of his ass like a fountain and cum also coming out of Sho’s mouth.

Rai holds onto Sho and makes out of him as his cum leaving Sho’s mouth and into his and then into his stomach.

“Mmmm” The two boys moan into eachothers mouths as Rai finishes and falls to the ground covered in his own cum.

“You alright? Sho?” Rai said gasping.

“Mmmhmmm” Sho moaned as he wiped the remains of Rai’s cum from his mouth. “It was close I was about to lose it. . .then I wouldn’t be able to cum in you later. . .” 

Rai walked up to the computer and put on a helmet.

“W-what are you doing Rai?” Sho said puzzled.

Rai smirked “Uploading and transferring some of my memories for . . .later” 

“Later?”

“You’ll see. . .read the screen when you are done okay?”

Sho nodded.

“Welp it's time to start!” Rai wobbed.

He moved into the machine and sat on a platform with what looked like a dildo in the middle. 

Rai sat on it and pressed a switch. The machine started buzzing and a ray gun pointed at Rai and fired a beam. Rai’s body then stiffened and in moments his body looked like strings. Rai’s body had become a giant spool of thread with a loose thread in the side. A needle attached itself to the loose thread and began sewing away. The platform Rai was on spun as the machine whirled and wizzed. Rai’s body grew smaller and smaller as his body became a large roll of fabric. As the spool became empty two large hands emerged from the machine with another need in one hand and one.

The comically large hands cut and sewed Rai’s body.

“Ohhh ahhh” Rai’s thoughts could be heard in Sho’s head.

The two were psychically linked and felt the sensation as Rai’s new body was formed.

In a matter of moments a pair of black boxer briefs presented itself on the platform.

Sho couldn’t help showing his excitement as he picks up Rai and sniffs him.

“You look so hot. . .”

“I know I feel amazing too! But. . .”

“But. . .?”

“The psychic link is only temporary! After which we won’t be able to talk to each other and I’ll just be another pair of undies for you!”

“Oh why didn;t you say so?! I gotta hurry!” Sho scurried to put Rai on. Sho then noticed the arms putting the rest of Rai’s unused body into a compartment.

“I’ll use the rest of him to make him into socks too. . .” Sho grinned.

Sho was surprised that Rai could fit him especially since he got instantly hard, his large erect cock expanding Rai’s cup as it wraps around him like a giant condom.

“Omg you are so hard~” Rai said. “Play with me daddy~” He pleaded.

“Here you go my new slave ~” Sho said as he started to jack off in his new tight undies.

“Ooof thats the stuff~!” Rai moaned as Sho massaged his massive cock, the fabric perfecting wrapping the shaft making it feel so good for both parties.

“Ohhhhh~” Sho moaned as he stroke his cock faster and harder than normal.

“Faster daddy faster~” Rai said as he used the limited control he still had on his body to tighten and rub Sho with his fabric body.

Sho happily complied as he moved faster than before rubbing his cock through Rai’s body “Like that you slutty boy?” Sho said breaking his normal shy composure and showing his lustful side.

“Yes daddy~” Rai said “More more~!”

Sho continued to mastrbate furiously with his friend’s body.

He stopped considering Rai a person and started going harder.

“Who’s my bitch? Who’s my bitch?”

“I am I am~!!!!”

“Ohhh ohhhh ohhh~!” Rai moaned as he feel his mind slipping, absorbing as much of Sho’s musk as possible as soaking up the precum cumming out of Sho.

Sho kept going to town on his monster sized cock as he imagined his friend now just being his cum undies for the rest of his life, biting his lips as the ecstasy of both love and lust overcome him. He feels bits of cum escaping his shaft but he holds back as best he could so he can make it last. He feels the scent of Rai come off his new underwear body, making him even hornier. He keeps jacking off, moaning loudly with each stroke.

“You like that Rai?’

No response.

“Rai?”

Still no response.

Sho realized that the link is now gone, he can still feel his friend inside the fabric but he could no longer hear him. Instead of feeling sad of not being able to talk to his friend more, he felt the lust he had been building up ever since he got into transformation and used it to beat his meat harder than before. “Shit you are sooo soft and good Rai~! My new sex slave~” He says as cum gushes out of his cock. Instead of overflowing, Sho watches as Rai catches it and expands like a balloon at his tip. Sho grins as he watches the cum balloon expand and expands until even Rai couldn’t hold it in anymore, Rai releases his hold as he loses any control of his body left, Sho’s cum spews from Rai’s body and covers both Sho and Rai.

Sho gasps for air as can’t believe he has done what he had always wanted, a permanent underwear transformed person.

A few days later Sho is browsing the internet before he hears a knock on his door.

He gets up and walks towards the door. Sho is still wearing Rai as his main clothing, never taking him off unless he was using the restroom, keeping as his one and only pair of underwear.

With the leftover fabric of Rai’s body he made a pair of socks as well as some tight fitting pants.

Although Sho has made these clothing in honor or Rai, the undies are the consistent part of what Sho wears.

“Hey babe~” Sho said smiling.

In the door was a young boy who resembled Rai.

“Time for our weekly session?” The young boy grins taking off his shoes, revealing another pair of socks made of Rai. 

The two take off their clothes, pointing their cocks to Rai and start jacking off, cumming onto him

Commands that Rai had entered into the computer:

1. Become super tight underwear that grows with Sho.

2. Permanent transformation.

3. Wipe everyone’s memory of Rai except for Sho.

4. Sho and Little Brother are now madly in love and dating.

5. Upload my muscle memories into little brother so he can fuck just like me.

6. Brother and Sho meet up once a week to cum on me.

[lunarianillusion]

A change in fate

a maribat fanfic

Chapter 09

When the final school bell of the day finally rang Marinette and her pack practically bolted from the building, before the braindead could catch them. When outside she told the others to go on ahead without out her, telling them she would meet them back at the hotel, and that she had to quickly grab something from her room. Chloe was a bit hesitant since the toxic shepherd and her herd were still lurking, but Marinette reassured her as best as she could making her lead the other three away.

The omega made quick work of avoiding her parents, not caring for what they possibly could have said in her migraine induced morning, and up to her room. After slipping in through the trap door the hidden kwami’s all came out of hiding. All very happy to see that the young guardian had recovered from the past morning.

The omega smiled softly at the little gods that cared for her wellbeing. She was truly happy to have found away to release the kwami’s from the box confines. Giving them a small piece of freedom, they needed. She hoped to give them true freedom one day, but for now they needed to focus.

“It is time for step two,” The noirette said, gaining the complete attention from all the little gods. Then they turned to one and other a silent conversation among the concepts of the world and gave each other a firm nod of agreement. “We are all ready to proceed young guardian,” Longg spoke firmly with the slightest hint of longing. She could tell and could not blame him for wishing to meet with his possible soul bearer, but she could not trust the dragon’s soul bearer just yet.

The guardian’s blue eyes turned to onto the light turquoise kwami nearby. “Are you ready?” The snake gave her a small grin. “I am.” “You better take good care of her, understood,” Pollen buzzed while giving Sass a fireless glare. To which he chuckled in return and gave his fellow god words of assurance, as Marinette grabbed the small box holding his miraculous.

-

After procuring the miraculous of change, along a thick binder filled with Lie-la’s inconsistencies and fever dreams, the omega hero made her way over the grand hotel. Upon arrival Marinette encountered Chloe’s loyal butler. He informed her that monsieur Bourgeois was in search of his daughter and so advised the dark-haired girl to take the long route to the nest. As to not alert the dumb mayor that Chloe now has taking more of a residence in her secret room.

Over the time that Chloe has used opportunity to redeem herself to others, she had become aware of how toxic her family was and had been distancing from her parents whenever she needed room to breathe. The staff had been happy to provide her with a special place for the blond within the hotel. One of the rooms had been modeled into a one room apartment specially decorated for the young alpha and kept off the books so that her father would not find it. When they showed her the room Chloe had burst into a sea of overjoyed tears, having been giving confirmation that she was indeed became a better person in the eyes of others. That had been such a relief for the girl and a great boost to her confidence.

Giving the beta butler her thanks, the omega made the long round way to Chloe’s second room that gained the title of the nest over the past months. Upon arrival and entry, the blue-eyed omega was met with the homely interior of the apartment, that made it feel as though you just walked into a hunter’s cabin in the mountains. To the right was the sitting/living area with a large half circle couch and two armchairs standing around a round red wood coffee table. A large flat screen tv hung from the wall infront of the sitting area, with several drawers under it filled with the girls collection of DVDs and blue ray’s. To the left was the kitchen area with a wooden bar counter that separated the kitchen from the hall and living area, around it stood four wooden fashionably cushioned barstools. In the back, past the doors that led to the bathroom and workspace, was a window seat bed that had been transformed into a large nest. Made from a mismatch of blankets, pillows and some articles of close from the two female occupants. A large deep dark red canopy hung from the ceiling that gave the two a feeling of a save close offed space, for whenever the one of the two took shelter here for the rut or heat.

The smile on Marinette’s face came naturally as she past the rooms threshold. This was a place of safety for her, something that her old home could never again be. How she often wished she could live here but her ‘parents’ would kick up a fuss and she really did not need the extra headache’s.

Her eyes drifted around counting all of the current occupants in the den. Nathaniel and Marc sat snuggled together upon de couch, enthusiastically discussing their new comic idea, Chloe was in the back near the nest looking for something in one of the large bookcases lining the wall and Tim was in the kitchen making the holy elixir, COFFEE. “Can you make me a cup too, Tim,” the female omega called out gaining her packs attention. Though Chloe was the only one that gave a verbal response in the form of a pained groan and calling her an addict. She ignored her friend in favour of focussing on the steaming cup of coffee that the dark haired prepared for her. She gave him a grateful smile and a small thanks as she took a seat at the kitchen counter and dropped her thick binder with a thud onto the wooden surface.

She took a careful sip from her given ambrosia and then pulled on her business face. “So now that we have all gathered, shall we get started on the downfall of the delusional spider and her plague of insects.” The crystal blue eyes glanced around the room once more and taking in the malicious smiles of her pack. “Oh yes, let’s get started,” the blond female nearly cackled as she pulled out to binders of her own. Yes, they were ready for the hunt.

-

And so started of several hours of compiling all the tall tales that had past Rossi’s lips from the lady blog, their phones and school camera’s, curtesy of Tim’s hacking skills. But as people will agree after a certain amount of time one gets side-tracked, especially if you have a petty alpha female wanting revenge. Surprisingly the two male omegas’ were very much on board with the pettiness.

“But wouldn’t she simply blame Marinette,” Chloe interjected. She and the male omegas having a thorough discussion over how to trick Lie-la into spraying herself with skunk musk. They discussed it for over an hour.

“Not unless she believed it to be a gift for Marinette,” Marc began to supply, making Chloe pull a face. “She would say she was so thankful for the gift while just taking it,” The jade eyed male continued. “But either me or Tim or me would say it was for Mari,” Nathaniel took over, “She in a fit her supposed supremacy will spray herself and then come to the horrid realization of the disgusting odour. This will work in our favour two ways. One Lie-la will smell just as horrid as her soul is,” “And two, because they will think we ‘tried to do this on Mari’ we can get in the flies good graces and here about any possible plots to hurt our leader and prepare for that accordingly.” Marc finished, devious smiles on both his and boyfriend’s faces.

“You two are bloody devils,” The blond alpha started, eyes filled with wondered surprise before beginning to laugh gleefully. “And I love it!” she exclaimed as Marinette and Timothy were just finishing up all the processed evidence that they had gathered. Next time they were going to look into things Lie-la had done before she had come to Dupoit. But for now, it was pack bonding time.

-

“I AM DISCUSTED, I AM REVOLTED, I DEDICATED MY INTIRE LIFE TO THE ARTS AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET!!!!!!” Nathaniel roared as he hurled his sketchbook.

“Nath please cal-”

“NO Marc he is right. They gods have deceived us. COLOUR IS A LIE!!!” Marinette exclaimed as she threw her sketchbook across the room. Whirling around she grabbed the redhead and raised her hand to the window. “OPEN THE WINDOW WE MUST FLY!!!”

“NNNOOOOO!!!!!!!”

-

“Mari, Tim, put the mugs down,”

The two in question raised the offending cups to their lips.

“I swear to the powers from the beyond, don’t you two dare drink that! That is your fifth cup in the past thirty minutes.”

The alpha omega duo took exaggerated sips from their cups, the sound penetrating the air. Within seconds the blond was chasing around her two coffee addicted friends around the room in a made chase screaming profanities every so often. The two coffee worshippers always two steps ahead of the girl with surprising agility, not letting a single drop of the elixir of life spill from their containers. Whilst Nathaniel and Marc watched the chaos from the couch unfold, sharing a bowl of popcorn.

-

After a long chase, that resulted in Chloe’s loss, the pack had nestled themselves on the couch and chairs around the tv. They had some action movie playing and were making all sorts of critics, on the fight scenes mostly. It made for a rather peaceful atmosphere.

Marc and Nathaniel were snuggled together within a wool blanket on one of the large armchairs. Chloe and Marinette had claimed the couch, their heads on opposite ends and legs tangled in the middle.  Tim sat on the other chairs, his legs dangling over the side and hid eyes taking in more the people around him then the movie. Taking in every detail of the scene around him and committing it to memory as his senses were lulled by the peaceful atmosphere, making him feel safe.

-

As the late evening came Marc, Nathaniel and Tim went to their own homes, begrudgingly. Leaving Marinette and Chloe in the nest, for Mari had no interest in returning home for the night. And she also had a mission to fulfil.

The two having just finished the dishes, from the room served meal, sat curled up in the nest/bed area talking about the day events and other random thoughts. When, to Chloe’s surprise the noirette omega took on a far more serios exterior. Her blue eyes calculating and analysing the blond before her and her posture straight as an arrow and rigged. “What’s wrong Marinette?” the alpha asked, using her full first name instead of one of her nicknames.

Taking a small breath, to try and calm her nerves, Marinette spoke: “I need to ask a favor of you Chloe Bourgeois, something of great importance. But I need to know that I can fully trust you with what I am about to ask of you.” The mayor’s daughter opened her mouth to say that ofcourse she could trust her, but the darked haired held up her hand to stop her having not yet finished. “I know that I can trust you with anything that happens in our normal lives, but this is not something that can be considered normal and many things are at risk,” she took a moment to let the gravity of the situation sink in. “So, I need to know that I have your compete loyalty and that you will always have my back trough whatever may come. I need to know that you will not stab me in the back,” the last part had been whispered almost so quietly that Chloe might not have picked it up had she not given the omega her full attention.

The last words that were spoken stung the blond a bit, but she understood the meaning behind them more then anything. For those she had once considered her most trust pack members had turned their back on her for the stupid lies of a filthy leach that now trespassed on their territory. She understood the words very well. But Marinette asking this meant that she trusted Chloe so much that she was about to reveal possibly one of her most precious secrets to her friend. A swell of pride and determination flowed through the alpha as the implications of her request made itself clear in the former bully’s mind. And she swore not to let that trust in her go to waist. Chloe poised herself and stared straight into Marinette’s eyes conveying as much determination as the blond could muster through her gaze and scent.

“Marinette, you have given me so much even after all the years of torment I dragged you trough. You forgave me when I finally got my act together which was already more then I deserved, but you also let me join your pack and supported me as I tried to see what I needed to do to become a better person. You made me realize what I truly needed to be happy and because of that I have finally found who I want to be. I will never be able to fully for all that you have done for me. So, whatever secret you share with me I will take to the grave, whatever deed I must do no-one will lead it back to you. I will have your back in all the fights that are to come,” she took a deep breath, to keep her rage for those who did betray the omega at bay, but gaze filled with determination. “I swear I will never betray you for as long as I breath. That I assure you,” Chloe finished.

Marinette could feel her eyes tearing up, but she forced herself not to let any of the tears fall. No was not the time for tears. Even so, the words and emotion that the blond had expressed made Mari so happy and it took away all of her doubt. For no lie was uttered and the absolute devotion coming from her alpha friend sealed that fact.

Carefully she pulled out a dark octagon box with a red sigil painted on the lid. A box the omega knew Chloe recognised. She smiled at the wide eyes she got from her friend before dawning her hero persona. “Chloe Bourgeois this is the miraculous of the snake, that will grant you the power of change. I, Marinette Dupain-Cheng former hero known as Ladybug, current true holder of peafowl and guardian of the miraculous ask you to join me in the fight to end the terror of Hawkmoth. Will you accept?”

A long tense moment of silence followed after the proposition was finally spoken. Both party’s staring intently at the other, their minds whirling with uncoordinated thoughts and question, as fate awaited an answer.

Hesitantly Chloe broke the silence not with an answer to the question, but with a question of her own. “Am I worthy of a miraculous?” Her self-doubt shining through in the quiver of her voice.

Marinette’s demeaner softened at her friend a surge of reassurance washed over the omega, she made the right choice. “Yes Chloe, you are most definitely worthy of a miraculous,” Marinette assured, but could see that the blond was not fully convinced. “You said it yourself, you have taken the road to better yourself in both in your own eyes and the eyes of others. I and many others have been beside you watching you take that rocky road head on and witnessed the fruit it bore. From all the people you helped with charities and donations, from the kids in the hospital that smile so brightly every time you come to visit, form Trevor and Miranda who practically see you as their own daughter, from our friends that would come running at slightest of whispers of you being in danger. I assure you that you are worthy to wield a miraculous. So will you stand beside me as my partner and friend through the coming battles?”

As the finale words sunk in, Chloe felt her resolve strengthen. Whipping away the tears that had gathered in her eyes she gave her friend another look of determination, as she took the small box from Paris’s true hero hand. “I would be honoured,” the blond spoke receiving a grateful smile from the noirette in return.  

Opening the box, a turquoise glowing orb circled around the alpha, making her reminisce of her first meeting with Pollen, before the orb took on the form of a snake like being. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Miss Chloe. I am Sass, the kwami of change,” the snake kwami spoke. “The feeling is mutual,” Chloe replied sincerely as she took the miraculous from its confines and placed it around her wrist. The band camouflaging the moment it was clipped on. The twisting turquoise band turning into a single rose gold band with two swirls circling a sapphire rose with a few clear diamonds. As the miraculous settled the new kwami and wielder pair turned to the young guardian with Duusu now floating beside the omega.

“I will have you know that I have many questions for Dupain-Cheng,” the female alpha said without any heat behind her glare. Making Marinette give a small at her friend. “I would not expect anything less from you,” Mari sighed light heartily, before she turned a bit more serious once more. “But let me first tell you the full extend of what has been going on.”

Author note: This chapter was honestly hard to write, with the heart to heart between Chloe and Marinette being an especially hard point, but I hope you could still enjoy the chapter it and please tell me what you think of the story so far.

[themimsyborogove]

For the DVD commentary:

“You could be a little more gentle,” Catarina chastises, taking off Magnus’s shoes and pulling the blankets up over him.

“Serves him right for acting like a fucking idiot all night,” Ragnor snaps back, pulling a handkerchief out of his pocket to mop the sweat off his face. “And I know you’re just as annoyed with him as I am, you just hide it better.”

“His heart is broken,” Catarina replies, smoothing back Magnus’s black hair and pressing a kiss against the top of his head, unfazed by Ragnor’s bad temper. He knew she was annoyed, but she was a caretaker above everything else, and she would make sure Magnus was okay before she let any of that annoyance show.

“It can’t be that broken, they weren’t even together for that long,” Ragnor mutters grouchily.

“Time isn’t the measure of how much you love someone,” Catarina says softly, raising her eyebrows at him.

Ragnor let’s the subject drop. He had been the one who Magnus had come to, more than a century ago now, when Magnus’s first love had died in his arms. Ragnor would never tell anyone, not even Catarina, how Magnus had sobbed into Ragnor’s shoulder like he was going to fall apart, and then spent over thirty years trying to put himself back together after that heartbreak. If Magnus wanted her to know, he would tell her himself. “I need another drink after chasing him across half the fucking country,” Ragnor grumbles.

Catarina follows him into the sitting room, and Ragnor waves his wrist, conjuring a bottle of wine and two glasses. Catarina sinks down on the sofa next to him, looking wan and exhausted as he passes her a glass.

“I’m worried about what Magnus said before he got drunk,” Catarina says, swirling the wine in her glass. “‘Do you think that eventually our kind becomes far enough removed from humanity that we transform into creatures that are untouchable and unlovable by humanity?’ That’s a dangerous thought path to go down.”

“You’ve never thought like that?” Ragnor asks.

Catarina looks up at him, shocked. “You have?”

Ragnor sets his wine glass back down and rubs his hands over his face. He had never told anyone this story, not even Magnus. “I didn’t always know I was a warlock,” Ragnor says with a sigh of resignation. “My mother thought I was some kind of faerie. We lived in a small village, but they were fond of me. I grew up just like the other children, only greener, so we had no idea I didn’t have a normal lifespan. I got married when I was eighteen,” he picks his wine back up and drains the glass, “Her name was Mairead,” he adds in a softer voice, “But I always called her Maisie.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you call someone by a nickname before,” Catarina observes with surprise.

“I changed,” he replies, grabbing the wine bottle again.

He refills his glass, and Catarina takes his other hand in both of hers, rubbing his fingers gently between hers in silent comfort while he tells her the story of his first heartbreak.

I had so much fun coming up with a backstory for Ragnor. Making him Scottish started as a Shrek joke that I got attached to, then the wife who left him because he couldn’t have children came from wanting to put infertility angst on a male character instead of a female one.

I also like the idea of him having a genuinely happy childhood in contrast to Catarina, who was loved, but raised with a constant fear of being found out, and Magnus, whose childhood was a tragedy. But then Ragnor has to weather all his first loses and learn how to be a warlock alone, which starts to close him off until he meets Magnus. Magnus pulls Ragnor back out of the dark, and then Ragnor is there for Magnus when Magnus learns about the loses that come with immortality.

I also spent an absurd amount of time coming up with a name for Ragnor before he was Ragnor (because I think he definitely picked his own warlock name), and the end result was the greenest Gaelic name with Norse roots I could find combined with a Peter Rabbit joke.

[lazysublimeengineer]

You’re my Gofer!

Summary: One shot sequel to crystal clear.

Takemichi’s brain short circuited at the sight that greeted his eyes.

When Akashi mentioned to him yesterday that he should be prepared, he wasn’t expecting this kind of surprise.

Characters: Takemichi H. Draken R. & Senju K.

Takemichi swallowed thickly and clenched his fists as he watched the growing tension between Draken, Akashi and Senju.

While he understood and appreciated Draken’s overprotectiveness and not wanting to involve him in the world of delinquency again, Takemichi also realized that joining the Brahman will make him reached his goal faster of defeating Mikey and preventing him of going down the path of the terrible ending that was waiting for him in the future.

He can’t be indecisive now.

‘If I don’t make any decisions now, then nothing will change!’ Takemichi thought firmly.

“Draken-kun. I’ll join Brahman!” He announced resolutely.

“Huh?!” Draken looked taken aback by his decision.

Draken just took a one look at his face and he knew that he can’t really stop Takemichi no matter what he does. He’s just as stubborn as Mikey. Or even more so. This was what he actually fears when Takemichi knew everything. Takemichi will join the fray regardless if its dangerous or not. He knew that Takemichi was an adult that can make his own decisions but fuck, he didn’t want him to risk his life for Mikey or anyone of them ever again.

There’s a great future waiting for him back there but he still chose to go back here into the past to fix everything. Again. He just hoped that it’ll be all worth it in the end.

“Draken… As much as Brahman wants to stop Kantou Manji Gang…”

Akashi’s voice cut off his racing thoughts and looked pensively on the ground. “There’s no way we want to fight Mikey.”

“That’s why we need both of you, the very people whom Mikey trusts. Facing him without getting in a fight would be for the best. Please understand.” Akashi replied seriously.

Draken pondered over his words.

The pelting of the raindrops from the above had ceased and the sky grew clearer afterwards. It didn’t go unnoticed by Senju who moved his umbrella from the side and stared up at the sky.

“Oh, it stopped raining.” There was a certain look into his eyes as he stared up at the small puffs of white clouds that’s beginning to show itself. Funny, how the sky grew clearer and the weather became calmer after Takemichi had accepted their offer of joining their gang.

Was he a secret weather magician too? Takemichi could spread his sunshine and brightness even to the gray clouds beyond them. A slight curved of his lips turned upwards at the mere thought.

Draken sighed in defeat as he looked over at Takemichi’s determined face. “Well, that’s Takemitchy for ya. Keep in mind that the only reason we’re cooperating with Brahman is because of our aligning goals.” He said firmly.

“…Got it.” Takemichi replied.

“Don’t you forget about that. Welcome to Brahman, Takemitchy.” Draken smiled at him and offered his hand in front of him.

Takemichi took his hand, enveloping it in a gentle yet firm handshake. “I will definitely bring Mikey back!”

Draken could feel the callouses on his hands, a sign of the hardships that he already went through in saving all of them. And yet he could also sensed the warm sincerity beneath them, engulfing him in a state of reassurance and trust. He may have to risk again in putting of his faith in Takemichi. And that’s the one thing that he won’t hesitate in doing so now.

If there’s one thing that Takemichi’s well known of, it’s his keeping and fulfilling his promises to them and not giving up.

Draken shook back his hand firmly and smiled warmly at him. This was one of the rarest times when he can put his walls down and expressed what he actually felt for the other.

“Alrighty! I’ve decided.”

Senju’s sudden cheerful voice broke the fragile moment between the two of them and Draken resisted the urge to twitch his eyes and sigh in annoyance.

What a great timing.

Takemichi pulled his hand away from Draken and turned around, seeing an offered umbrella to his direction by Senju. He casually accepted it with a bewildered expression on his face.

“An umbrella?” He blinked a few times.

“From now on… You’re my gofer!” Senju announced happily.

“Huh?” Takemichi looked taken aback, but he wasn’t sure if it’s from Senju’s words or the cheerful expression on his face. It was strange seeing the happy look and cheerful smile painted on his face since his usual default of facial expression was mostly blank and serious. But he couldn’t deny that it made his seraphic features softer and younger. And he couldn’t tear his eyes away from him.

Senju looked like a beautiful, fallen angel from the sky.

Senju leaned closer with that everlasting smile still present on his face. “Let’s meet tomorrow, 3PM at Harajuku!”

Takemichi tried so hard not to blush at his proximity and the cuteness that was laid out in front of him. What’s with Senju and the other members of their gang invading his personal space?!

“Eh? Wait—”

“Senju’s interested in you, Hanagaki!” Akashi cut him off cheerily.

What. Takemichi’s line of thought came into a screeching halt.

“Just be prepared.” Akashi flashed him a smirk before he waved goodbye to him and Draken.

‘What does that mean?!’Takemichi thought frantically as he could only watched Akashi leave and Senju walking beside him with a spring to his steps.

The Next Day, 3PM Harajuku…

Takemichi tried to be punctual this time even though he wasn’t the exact model employee back at the DVD shop that he was working for back then. He simply didn’t want to shatter any good impression and standing that he currently had with Brahman now especially with their leader since Akashi said that Senju was interested in him. Which still weirded him out. Yet it brought a warm feeling spreading through his chest. And he didn’t even know the reason why he was feeling like that in the first place.

Nevertheless, he took Akashi’s words with a grain of salt and didn’t delved deeper on it further. Maybe Senju was always like that when he found something that caught his eye or when his goals are actually met. Their leader’s unpredictability still caught him off guard sometimes. It reminded him of Mikey.

At the mere thought of the blond, Takemichi’s mood went pensive for a bit before he fought it back with a resolute determination. Of course, he was firm in his decision to save him regardless of what method he had to undertake to achieve it. If he had to join the Brahman to reached that goal faster then so be it. He’s ready for any consequences that he needed to face if necessary.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, Hanagaki!”

A voice cut off his wandering thoughts and the noise among the crowd that made him paused and turned around to the source of it.

Takemichi’s brain short circuited at the sight that greeted his eyes.

When Akashi mentioned to him yesterday that he should be prepared, he wasn’t expecting this kind of surprise.

“Let’s go.”

A young lady dressed in a female school uniform stated calmly and looked casually at him like everything wasn’t out of the ordinary.

But it isn’t.

This was Senju.

Dressed in female clothes.

Senju.

Who is now a she instead of a he.

Female clothes and features.

And had a nice rack.

Takemichi internally screamed at himself. Now this wasn’t the time to be thinking like that! There was a right time to admire the beauty in front of him. And now isn’t the right time to do it. Since when did Senju became a woman?! His brain felt like melting along with his common sense.

“Huh? Who?” Takemichi replied intelligently as he gaped at Senju’s transformed existence in front of him.

Senju just stared at him blankly before she raised a hand to cover her mouth and stifled her giggles. “Hanagaki you never failed to amuse me sometimes.”

“Eh? But h-how…?” Takemichi stammered.

“Did you hit your head or something Hanagaki? I told you yesterday to meet me here at 3pm right?” Senju answered playfully as she now tugged on his arm and pulled him along the bustling crowd of the city.

Takemichi let him get swept away by Senju’s hold and actions, his mind was still racing with rapid thoughts at this newfound discovery that made him have an internal midlife crisis. He wanted to ask so many things… but for now he just let her be as he was also tantalized by her rare sunny disposition and her ethereal features in front of him.

Of course, Senju knew the reason why Takemichi was being confused and having a meltdown in front of him. But she chose to blatantly ignored it and willfully play the ruthless card of feigned innocence. She was having fun of making him bewildered and flustered.

And she also found it cute and adorable anyway.

This was going to be an interesting day ahead.

(A/N: I own nothing from this franchise except this weird fic of mine. Chapter 215 watered my crops and extended my lifespan because of these things: Inupi, Draken and Takemichi being shirtless and exposing their toned bodies, Draken going feral to protect Takemichi, Takemichi’s ever growing character development and backbone, Senju acting like Mikey and growing fond of our crybaby hero and lastly the infamous gender reveal party at the last panel. Ken plays with us like a damn fiddle with that bomb at the last panel of chapter 215 in the manga. The whole fandom is shook and is now rioting with speedy theories and ideas lmao. Well from my end, it’s fine if Senju is a guy or a gal since the gender is not my measurement of an interest to a character anyway. But it’ll be intriguing if Senju turned out to be a female and a leader of a gang since we all know that it’s mostly a male dominated territory in the franchise. And we’ll probably get another girlboss like Yuzuha as a bonus. Who knows? Maybe Ken will drop us another mind-blowing twist at the next chapter so I’m still not fully onboard with Senju being a 100% gal. But for the sake of this fic and for fun purposes, let’s assume that Senju is a complete female here and she’s having the time of her life making our crybaby hero like this: Takemichi.exe has stopped working. Also, if Mikey learned about this, he’ll be feral and he would raise some hell to prevent them from stealing his dear Takemitchy. So, Mikey you need to step up your game and appear in the future chapters so Takemichi doesn’t end up with one of his harems lol. Reviews are amusing. So, let me hear them from you.)

[my-52-weeks-with-christie]

The Broken Spine - Dorothy St. James

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this mystery.

Tru, our librarian heroine, spoke to the not-so-secret rebellious streak housed in my heart of hearts. By not only saving hundreds of books - that her town's leading lights consigned to the dump for being "obsolete" - then used said books to open a secret lending library! (Can it get any better?) As the aforementioned leading lights, decided to transform Tru's beloved library into a bookless technology center.

But no good deed goes unpunished.

Just as Tru and her cohorts are spit polishing the brass for the secret opening of their clandestine reading room - one of the driving forces behind this abominable shift in biblio-philosophies is found crushed beneath a shelf of DVDs. And Tru, who didn't mince any words about his bookless library scheme, is suspect numero uno.

So now, unless she's willing to rat-out her secret project (Which isn't going to happen even if it gives her an iron-clad alibi) Tru must figure out who actually did the deed to save her own bacon!

While this is a cozy mystery, it's not a cute one, and it's a fine first in series. St. James does a good job in adding layers to her characters and nuance to her plot. If you enjoy reading biblio mysteries, I don't think you'll be disappointed with The Broken Spine.

Oh, and did I mention there's a cat named Dewey that has his paws all over things?

[sole-soul-survivor]

Hey guys! Out with another book! It's Ereri and Winmin(Armin x Erwin)(no hate their ages are changed. Eren is very much Legal. As is Armin) I've published 5 out of presumably 43, I have up to chapter 19 written and that's about 36,000 words so far. Give it a look if you want! It's pretty successful so far. Thanks guys!

Sample from Ch. 1 "Close Quarters"

Eren sighed as he looked up at the office building, he heard the soft zipping of traffic behind him. The backlash of the wind’s current against the mobile hunks of metal in the road caused his hair to shuffle gently across his brow. He sighed and hoisted the reusable grocery back onto his shoulder. Mikasa was in town for the night. And upon hearing that their father had forgotten his lunch at the house, she quickly sent Eren out to deliver the package.

“But Mikasa, why can’t you go?” He asked, nearly complained, as he looked at different DVD cases. Trying to decide what movie to watch to waste away the rest of the afternoon. That was when the reusable grocery bag hit him in the head, there was a loud clunk and a painful throb in the back of his head. “Ow!” He glared at his sister. Who looked back at him passively.

“Oh, must have forgotten to take the thermos out.” She hummed unapologetically. Eren grumbled but got the hint and stood to make the journey deeper into town.

Eren released a heavy sigh and rubbed the small bump on the back of his head, he grumbled as he walked into the building, the secretary briefly knew him, so she let him up without much fuss. To which he was thankful for, he didn’t have the patience to deal with any other people. He walked the hallway back to the elevator. From the corner of his eye he viewed the auburn hair of a woman, his head snapped over and his heart dropped. He glared at himself in the reflection of the metal doors which encompassed the elevator. He sighed and tried to shake the nerves off of his shoulders. It had been a few years, but he still caught glimpses of her from every direction.

Eren shook the thought from his head and watched the automatic numbers count down as the elevator approached. His father was a lab-worker for the head-quarters of some investigation business. Eren never really took much interest in it at all, he could care less where his father spent most of his time. And it wasn’t even the good part of investigating. He directed other doctors on how to perform tests and that shit. And the building wasn’t some station where guys with guns and badges thrived, it was literally the headquarters for a string of investigation teams that were stationed around the state. They didn’t do any crime-solving here, they just looked over reports and made sure the other investigators were doing their jobs. His foot tapped anxiously and impatiently. He sighed deeply and checked his watch, he couldn’t even be sure that his father would be in his office. The man always left his phone off at work. Mikasa always tried to lecture him about how dangerous that was, if Eren was left in the house alone without a way to get a hold of their father. Especially if she was in her classes. Eren always argued that he was completely fine and could take care of himself, he was just on the brink of nineteen years old for fuck’s sake.

Mikasa was in school a couple of hours away, a local university. She had been accepted as soon as she applied. She urged Eren to apply as well, but he wasn’t accepted. Mikasa was extremely disappointed and had stated that she might not even go to school at all. It took nearly a week, but Eren had finally convinced her to pursue college. It was the one she was most acclimated to. Plus, there was no way they could afford for both of them to go anyway. Eren was fine working a simple life for now until he worked up enough money to send himself to medical school or something. But he hadn’t quite found a job yet, having a hard time adapting to the customers who came through fast food joints. And he wasn’t exactly coordinated enough to work at a restaurant, when he had tried working for the restaurant his mother used to work at, he dropped three family’s meals into their laps. No one knew how he had managed to complete such a feat.

The hairs on the back of Eren’s neck prickled up as a set of footsteps approached and soon someone was standing next to him. He didn’t want to look over, for fear of having to interact with the newcomer. But an alluring scent of cologne caught his senses, it was subtle but clean, roguish and minty. It reminded him of a thyme zest cleaner his mother used to use on the floors and table. Before he could talk himself out of it, he briefly glanced out of the corner of his eye. His breath stuck in his throat, his eyes strained just slightly to take in the other’s appearance. He was shorter, but he carried himself confidently, if not a bit boredly. Everything about this man contradicted, his shoulders were relaxed but stiff. His stance was casual, yet his posture was impeccably perfect. His eyes and focus were trained on a piece of paper in his hand, yet his eyes cast a bored sense of informality at the words on the document. The man’s hair was neatly cut into a bewitching undercut, his hair was inky black. Eren wondered if the other dyed it, seeing how dark the shade was Eren couldn’t decipher if it was even natural. Eren took in the sharp features of the male, his high cheekbones, his blade-like nose and jawline, the cutting bold and dull grey eyes. Or were they blue? Eren couldn’t tell, and the man was looking directly at him-

The man was looking directly at him.

Eren felt his heart jump into his throat and he was too slow to look ahead, he hoped that the other wouldn’t notice the blush creeping up his cheeks and ears.

“Oi, what are you looking at?”.” A deep, damn near sultry voice emanated from the man beside him and Eren was worried that his shoulders wouldn’t be the only things going stiff. He nearly choked on his tongue and he whipped his head around to look away from the other. He opened his mouth to ask what the other had meant when the elevator dinged and opened after shuttering to a rickety stop. Eren was thankful for the damn thing this once because now he could avoid whatever conversation this extremely attractive man was trying to engage with him. He stepped into the elevator and pressed the floor number his dad’s office was on. He took a deep breath, which caught in his throat when a muscular-looking arm reached around him, he could feel the heat from the man’s chest on his back as the other pressed the floor number he was headed to.

“What? Don’t have manners brat?” 

[zenithlux]

Cadence Update - 33

Catch up on AO3 Here!

My wish for you Is that this life becomes all that you want it to Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small You never need to carry more than you can hold And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to I hope you know somebody loves you And wants the same things too\

My Wish - Rascal Flatts

-----------

A week went by, but nothing happened. Everyone was on edge, but all managed to pretend they were fine. Nero called Kyrie every day to check on the kids, and Vergil could hear the worry in his voice every time they spoke. Dante grew more and more restless, flying back and forth between Redgrave and Fortuna to take on any hint of demons. Nico continued to watch the DVD, but she could only work about half an hour at a time as the video kept freezing up and it took far too long to fix it. 

Vergil went through some of the information with her, but it didn’t provide any insight into Mundus’ plan. It all seemed very straight forward. Demonic kidneys transplanted into demons with human forms. A liver for another. Lots of blood transfusions. Nico had yet to find Roxy’s surgery, and Vergil wasn’t certain Roxy would even want to see it. 

“I’m sorry, Rox,” Nico said. “I wish I could get through it faster.”

Roxy just shook her head. “You’re doing your best. I’m sorry I haven’t been helping.” 

Vergil did, however, manage to convince Roxy to keep working with her powers, if only to overcome her fear. It had taken many attempts to persuade her, as she struggled to get the temporary transformation out of her mind. But eventually, Vergil was able to coerce her into at least trying to learn small facets of her power. They focused on defense. She was summoning small walls for a shield, knocking things out of the sky and surrounding his own body with ice crystals. Anything they could think of to help him fight. Eventually, she started enchanting Aki’s arrows with ice and managed to freeze the enemies she hit. “Kuro used to do that for me,” She told him. “So, it wasn’t too hard to pick up.”

“You should still be proud,” Vergil said.

He’d gotten a ghost of a smile for that, but she hadn’t responded. 

Now they were out wandering Redgrave, searching for any demons they could find. Nico was in the van less than a mile away, finishing up the last of the DVD. They all hoped it would be enough, but Roxy had too much on her mind to wait around. 

“You know Dante got my mail yesterday,” She said as she plopped down on a piece of cement and looked over at him. 

“Yes,” He said, leaning against the building. His human form was easy to maintain now. Almost easier than Shadow. If only V’s form was better in a fight. Vergil was fairly certain he’d break his bones just touching a demon, much less attacking one. She’d tried to summon his actual self but had only managed to change his hair. But Vergil was hopeful. She was getting stronger, little by little. He just didn’t know how much time they had left. 

She reached into the inside of her jacket and pulled out an envelope with a golden seal. “An invitation to the gala,” She said. “He actually sent it.” She turned it in her hand. “It feels like a lifetime since we’ve talked about it.”

“Are you planning on going?”

“I haven’t had any time to paint,” She said. “I don’t even know if I have any creative energy left.”

“I’m sure you do,” Vergil said. “You just need some time.”

“What would I even present?” She said. “Assuming my house hasn’t been ransacked by now, all I was working on were flowers and butterflies.”

“And they were quite beautiful.”

She blushed as she met his gaze. “But I need something new. Something original.” She shook her head. “And with everything that’s happened...”

“Paint Kuro,” Vergil said. “You never did finish the mural.”

Her eyes seemed to glaze over in thought. “No I suppose I didn’t,” She said, her voice quiet as she held her hand out. A small ball of ice appeared, hovering there for a moment before she sent it away with a small, but unreadable smile. “A girl and her dragon.”

They looked up as the squealing of tires echoed in the distance. Nico barrelled around the corner, barely keeping the van on all four wheels as she slammed on the break and skidded to a spot. “Rox!” She said as she leaned her head out the window. “I think you’ll want to see this.” 

Roxy glanced at Vergil as Nico disappeared into the back of the van. “How did she find us?”

“She always does,” Vergil said, helping her up. 

“I’m still not convinced the van isn’t a demon.” 

Vergil chuckled as the side door opened. “Come on!” Nico said, beckoning to them both. Roxy hopped in and Vergil narrowly made it inside before Nico slammed the door back closed. “I was watchin’ that tape,” Nico said as she tried to rewind it, hitting the remote a few times before it worked. “And I found this.” When she stopped, a man appeared on the screen. His resemblance to Roxy was uncanny; similar jaw-line, same hair color, eye color, and general build. This man, however, looked like he’d been run ragged. And considering the empty basement behind him, Vergil assumed he and Dia had just gotten done cleaning it all out. 

“Dad,” Roxy murmured, her hands gripping the edges of her coat with such force that her knuckles had turned white. 

“Roxanna,” Her father said with a small smile. “It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to speak to you, and I’m afraid it might be longer still.” Roxy’s eyes widened, but she didn’t speak. Her father smiled, and Vergil swore he saw a twinkle in the man’s eyes. “If you’re watching this, then you probably already know what I did to save you. I really hope Kuro or Dia told you before you watched this, or that might have been a terrible shock,” He chuckled, but it was strained and quickly followed by a sigh. “I want you to know that I tried to find another way out of this, but I’m afraid this will be my last night on this earth.”

Roxy’s hands wrapped tighter around her as her father continued. “I don’t know where you’ll be when you see this. I hope you’re happy and healthy and living life to the fullest. I hope you’ve found someone to cherish you even more than I have, whether it be Kuro or someone else entirely. I hope you have it in your heart to forgive everyone involved,” He paused and lowered his voice. “A few weeks ago, Raijin informed me that Mundus has taken his heart.”

“His heart?” She echoed. “What does he want?”

“Before he was taken away, Raijin warned me that Mundus has a prisoner whose body he hopes to use to cross fully into our world.” Vergil’s blood rain cold and Roxy shivered without looking at him. “Apparently he doesn’t believe any other body will work, and I know he wants to use my research to accomplish it.” His eyes closed for a moment as he took a long, deep breath. “I’m certain that Raijin has been commanded to take my work and kill me, as Mundus would never work with a human so far below him.” 

He glanced behind him. “But I made sure there’s only a small amount left for him to find… enough to save Raijin’s life… and enough for you.” He shook his head with another, small smile. “He won’t be able to enter this place until you do. Dia’s going to seal everything up once I’m done. And don’t worry if he took the notebook. We already agreed that was what he would return to Mundus with.”

“But why?” She whispered. “What good is it going to do?”

“The notes are incomplete,” Her father continued. “The information is incorrect in some places. Missing in others. Mundus might believe he has everything I’ve ever written, but all he has is a bunch of medical jargon and a mess of scientist notes. Will it stop him? Probably not. Raijin knows enough about my work that he will be forced to interpret it, but I hope it gives you and Dia the time to find someone who can help.” 

Roxy glanced at Vergil for the briefest moment. “It was you,” She muttered. Vergil didn’t reply; his stray thoughts were more than enough. 

“Roxy…” Her father said. “My beautiful, wonderful daughter.” Tears filled the corners of his eyes. “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, but please don’t blame yourself for anything. Not for Kuro’s decision. Not for your sister’s death. Not for your mother’s failing health. Nothing. None of this is your fault. Raijin is fighting, but I know one day Mundus’ influence will be too much. He will come for you, and I pray you find a way to save him.”

“Save him,” Roxy echoed. “After everything…?” 

“But I hope someday, somehow, you’ll see this and know how much I love you.” Her father blinked rapidly, dispelling any tears he could. He wasn’t very successful. “And I hope one day you can forgive me.” He smiled through his sadness.

As the video ended, the world shook. Roxy flinched, reaching instinctively for Vergil. Except that just destabilized him and they both ended on the couch. Nico stumbled past them both, reaching for a chair. Cracks appeared in the asphalt around them. “Shit,” Nico said as she made it to the front seat and threw the car in reverse. They hit a bump on the way, throwing Roxy to the ground as she dragged Vergil with her. He transformed before he landed on top of her, growling in annoyance. Roxy forced herself back to her feet as another shake jarred the van. 

“What’s going on?” She said as she eventually found her way to the passenger seat.

“Hell if I know!” Nico said as she spun the wheel. She slammed on the breaks when more cracks appeared, throwing Vergil into the back of the seat. He heard a groan from Roxy and felt a pulse of pain in his chest. “Sorry,” Nico said.

“It’s fine,” Roxy said. “It’s not like I needed my ribcage.”

That’s when the demons emerged. Small creatures like the empusas scurried from the cracks to their side. Multiple scythes snapped up from the darkness before the ghoulish beings attached to them emerged, moaning and groaning as they wandered toward them. Three furies snapped up in a blur, landing and summoning their blades. Another jolt knocked a few of the weaker ones off their feet, but the others stalked forward. “Vergil,” Roxy said as she scrambled to the backseat and swung the door open, summoning her bow. “Fury's first or I don’t think we’ll last long.”

“You’ve never managed to shoot down a fury.”

“Well, I better figure it out now, huh.” She launched a trio of arrows, but the furies lurched forward. Roxy rolled out of the van, barely dodging a swipe and fired another shot. Vergil knocked the second fury out of the air, impaling it with his tail long enough for her to stab it with Kuro’s sword. The third fury appeared behind her. Roxy pulled back as the blade cut her shirt. When her hand snapped out to catch herself, a spike of ice shot out of the ground, piercing the fury’s chest. The third one slipped, and Vergil managed to catch it with his tail as she shot it. 

“Does that count?” She said as she rolled to her feet. 

“It wasn’t moving.”

“Still shot it.”

Vergil rolled his eyes as they turned on the other demons. Except they were gone, and a certain red-jacketed half-demon was standing in their place. “Good!” Dante said. “You got the other ones.”

The earth rumbled again. In the distance, Vergil could sense more demons all congregating in one area. But where? The underworld itself was breaking through the ground and Vergil didn’t know why. 

“Take a wild guess where they’re coming from, Verge,” Dante said. 

He looked up at Roxy’s blank expression, then back to Dante. He growled, hoping it would convey a silent where? Dante sighed, running his hands through his hair. “That stupid tree,” He said.

“The tree?” Roxy said. “You mean that giant thing that broke through Redgrave?”

“The thing I raised,” Vergil thought bitterly. “It can’t be back. We cut it down.”

When Roxy relayed this, Dante nodded. “It’s not back… but that’s where the hole’s the biggest.”

A gentle thud drew their attention. “He’s coming,” Raijin said as he leaned against the van. Nico scowled in the front seat, but wisely remained where she was. 

Dante reached for his sword. “Bold of you to come straight to us.”

“That is what he demanded,” Raijin said, eyes locked on Roxy. “He’s not very happy that his favorite prisoner actually took my brother’s place.” 

Vergil glared at him, but it was Roxy who took a step forward. “There’s a way out of this,” Roxy said. “A way you can live.”

Raijin scoffed. “What makes you think I want to?”

“Let me deal with this, Rox,” Dante said. “I'll make it quick.”

“Where’s Nero?” She said. 

“Fighting demons with some other devil hunters,” He said. “Why?”

“Demons are coming from the center,” She said. “It needs to be closed.”

“We’re not totally sure how to do that,” Dante said. 

“Go figure it out.”

He paused, eyes flickering between her and Raijin. “You want me to leave you alone with him.”

“She’s not alone.” 

“I have Vergil.”

“But…” Dante sighed. “Come on, Nico. Let’s get you to safety.” Vergil was grateful when she didn’t argue, slamming her door closed while Dante summoned his bike. “Good luck,” He said as Nico climbed on. “Don’t make me regret this.” He hopped on his bike and the two were gone faster than Vergil could blink. 

“We won’t,” Roxy said hollowly, her grip tightening on her bow. Vergil could feel her thoughts attempting to seep into his own, but she was either expertly holding it back, or it was, once again, too jumbled for him to make any sense of. “Right, Raijin?”

The man shrugged. “That depends on you, Roxanna. I have my orders.”

“It’s Roxy,” She said simply. 

“I never called you that,” He said. “Drove you crazy, though you never did admit it.”

“We were friends.”

“We were nothing of the sort.”

“Then why haven’t you killed me?”

Vergil tensed, eyes locked on Raijin. He was confident he could defend her, though he wasn’t quite sure what they would do if he transformed. But Raijin made no effort to do so, nor did he move from his spot against the van. “I hated you,” Raijin said. “For stealing my brother away.”

“I’m not the one who killed him.”

“You might as well have,” Raijin said, his voice bitter. “If he were here… if he were with me…”

“He’s not,” Roxy snapped. “You made sure of that.”

“I did what I was told!” Raijin said. “I always…” His hand moved to his head, grunting. “I always…” His scales began to glow, even through his clothing. He stumbled back a few steps, leaning on the van for support. Breaths turned ragged. Eyes turned to slits, glowing a dark purple. Lightning crackled on his hands, and Vergil wondered if they should have let Dante kill him in the first place. 

“There’s a way out of this,” Roxy said. “I can help you.”

“Enough!” When Raijin spoke, lightning slammed down around him. Both Roxy and Vergil jumped back, avoiding a strike. But Vergil didn’t think Raijin was really aiming. Losing it, maybe. But not trying to kill them. Not yet. 

Finally, he looked up, his expression filled with hatred. “You can’t even help yourself.”

[sockparade]

tips for surviving the pandemic: things i learned from my immigrant parents

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been a little over a week since the WHO announced that the coronavirus (COVID-19) was officially a pandemic. This has been a long, challenging week for a lot of people and it is nothing short of terrifying to read reports of what is happening in Asia and Europe as many predict that we’ll likely endure a similar fate here in the United States. In the midst of all of this chaos and uncertainty, I’ve been reminded of so many lessons that my Taiwanese immigrant parents taught me. I’m sharing them here so that others might also benefit. Thanks Ma. Thanks Daddy.

你昨天已經出去了.

“You already went out yesterday.“

1. Learn how to stay home. Our family is eight days into self-isolating at home and Tony asked me this morning if I had cabin fever. And strangely, the answer is no. I’m not. Not to downplay the difficulty of this moment but my experience with this “shelter-in-place” ordinance reminds of pretty much all my summers between kindergarten and 8th grade. Both of my parents worked full-time so summer was just three blissful months of nothing. No structure, no plans, no camps, no playdates, and no responsibilities. My parents never made me feel like I was missing a thing by staying home and I don’t remember ever feeling bored. There were always library books to read, stories to write, and thoughts to journal. Hours were spent playing school with my big sister (now a first grade teacher!), making up random games like who can avoid touching the carpet longest, learning Kim Zmeskal’s latest gymnastics floor routine, writing lyrics to Kenny G saxophone solos, and rehearsing for our variety show that we would perform to our tired parents at the end of the day. And that’s not even including the hours we spent watching The Price is Right, CHIPS, Knight Rider, and Airwolf (yep, no cable).   

As a teenager I carefully plotted all my hangouts with friends so that I didn’t have too many consecutive days when I was out of the house. Whenever I asked my parents if I could hang out with friends, they would always say, “But you already went out yesterday. What’s wrong with staying home? Why do you always have to go out?” It was as if having too much fun two days in a row was off limits. If there was a big party on Friday, I would purposely make sure I stayed home Wednesday and Thursday just to increase the chances of being able to go out on Friday. I know a lot of people talk about how awful their high school years were but I was one of those lucky kids who had a really great group of friends that made me feel seen, loved, and cared for. The downside was that I couldn’t get enough of it. I was always thinking about the next hangout, the next event, the next thing. It took me all the way until my late twenties to fully appreciate the fine art of staying home and to finish my unexpected transformation into the expert homebody that I am today. 

I’m reminded of that old quote by Blaise Pascal, “All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." 

It’s great to be out and about, but it’s also really important to learn how to stay home.  

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晚上要吃什麼？清冰箱.

“What are we eating for dinner?” “Cleaning the fridge.”

2. Be creative with what you have. I love food. Not in a foodie sense, but I get a lot of pleasure out of eating. I’m not a food snob by any stretch of the imagination. I thoroughly enjoy a Stouffer’s frozen lasagna or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as much as I enjoy a fancy, inventive, Michelin-starred meal at Commis. What’s hard for me is when food is eaten as sustenance rather than with delight. But my parents taught me that you can always take pride in preparing a meal. No matter your ingredients.

My mom is an excellent cook. I know a lot of people think their mom is a good cook but my mom is legitimately skilled in the kitchen. There were some nights when I’d ask what was for dinner and my mom would just reply, “Cleaning the fridge.” 

Now for some, this might sound terrifying. But my mom could honestly make something out of nothing. I still crave my dad’s simple egg and garlic fried rice. My parents raised me to be able to make an tasty meal just from rummaging in the pantry and fridge for random leftover things. There were plenty of summers where lunches and snacks were an individual culinary adventure for each of us kids. I still remember the day I witnessed my baby sister add a Kraft single on top of her onion ramen noodles. She saw my confusion, shrugged and said, “You should try it, it’s good.” 

With all the hoarding folks have been doing during this pandemic, I’ve found myself feeling quite anxious. Trying to calculate if we have enough food. Estimating how many more meals we can eat at home before we need to make another grocery run. As someone who struggles with a scarcity mentality it has been hard not to panic. But then I keep reminding myself that I know how to make good food using just whatever’s available. 

You know, I was pretty disappointed with Mary H.K. Choi’s second novel, Permanent Record, given how much I enjoyed her debut novel, Emergency Contact. But I was absolutely thrilled with the shine she gave to what her protagonist calls “Hot Snacks”.

Here’s an excerpt from Permanent Record that is a beautiful ode to creative food mashups and immigrant kids everywhere: 

“I edit and post a Shin Ramyun Black video set to music. My favorite instant noodles with three flavor packets and so much garlic. It’s a classic Korean HotSnack, especially when you throw in cut-up hot dogs, frozen dumplings, extra kimchi - and this is where the artistry comes in- eggs, cheese, corn from a can, and a drizzle of sesame oil on top. And furikake if you’re feeling wealthy. The next night I put up a bacon, egg, and cheese not in a bagel but in a glazed honey bun. Laced with sriracha and pan fried on the outside. Then it’s chilaquiles with Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos and chorizo. Jamaican beef patty casserole disrespected with a smothering of Japanese curry and broiled. With Crystal Hot Sauce over the top and pickled banana peppers. I’m trolling with that one but the controversy is berserk. When I run out of old videos, I make saag paneer naanchos with Trader Joe’s frozen Indian food, and it’s a hit. Especially when I add yogurt and a thick layer of crushed-up Takis on top.”

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看連續劇.

“Watch soap operas.” 

3. Find a way to escape. I’m generally pro technology but I’ll admit I’m a little bummed at the way iPhones and iPads have made TV viewing such an individual activity. I like how Disney+ has gotten some families back to watching TV together again. Although I will say, we really coddle our kids these days. I grew up in a time when movie ratings only applied in the theaters and we watched movies with our families like Alien, The Fly, and Gremlins. We were scared out of our minds and sometimes could only watch through the cracks between our fingers covering our eyes because it was so scary. Okay, this also might be why I can’t watch horror movies as an adult. 

From a young age, my parents taught me that watching other people’s drama unfold on screen is one of the best way to escape your own drama. Some people say binge watching became a thing when the TV networks started releasing shows on DVD. Others give credit to Netflix releasing their original content a whole season at a time. But truth be told, I first learned how to binge watch from my parents. 

We would rent 30-40 VHS cassette tapes from that random spot in Bellaire Chinatown. Can you picture it? You needed multiple plastic bags to transport that many VHS tapes. 

Do you remember the one about the dying mother who needed to find homes for each of her 7 children? I don’t think it’s normal for a 10 year old to cry so much but you better believe it’s made me learn the true value of a soap opera escape hatch. 

Are you in a pandemic? Now’s the perfect time to pick up that YA novel, binge that reality show, start that kdrama, or rewatch all six seasons of The Sopranos again.

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下個���拜會下雨.

“It’s going to rain next week.”

4. Be informed about what’s ahead. If you ask either of my parents about the weather at any given time they can reliably tell you the daily percent chance of precipitation and humidity for at least seven days out. They’ve always been this way. They would inform me of the weather at various points throughout the week. They planned their yard work and car washes around the weather forecast. There’s something about the way the weather forecast is available to everyone. And it feels like it’s just a matter of making the small extra effort to access it and gain a slight advantage. I feel like so much of the immigrant mentality is to be diligent in making the right choices to not screw yourself over and seizing opportunities whenever you can. And it wasn’t just weather but this is such an obvious example of it. 

I remember my dad saying to me once, "Can you imagine if someone decided to read every book in their local library? If they just went shelf by shelf and systematically read all the books? You could do it, you know. It’s free, it doesn’t cost any money to check out a book from the library. But no one really does it.” 

I think immigrant parents get a bad reputation for forwarding chain letters and health/science hoaxes they get on email, WeChat and Line. And in a pandemic, yes, they are definitely susceptible to misinformation, rumors and flat out untruths. But the thought behind it seems right. 

The mistrust of government leadership is actually quite relevant right now in this pandemic. Many immigrants left countries with governments that were overtly corrupt, oppressive, and used propaganda to influence its citizens. And while many Americans still take pride in living in a country that verbally champions freedom and democracy, the truth is that our government has already failed us and lied to us in many ways. During this pandemic, we cannot wait on leaders to tell us what to do. We must be diligent in reading for ourselves, seeking experts, using our critical thinking skills, and making preparations accordingly.

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會不會冷?

“Are you cold?” 

5. Check in with yourself. Check in with others. I have so many memories of my parents walking through the living room and asking me and my sisters if we were cold. It felt like they couldn’t walk past the thermostat without asking us if they needed to raise it or lower it. As if they couldn’t hear us sneeze and wonder if they needed to turn off the ceiling fan. They couldn’t see us sitting in a dim room without turning on a light for us. There are so many times I fell asleep reading on the couch and woke up with a blanket over me. Or sometimes I was fully awake doing something random, like playing Egyptian Rat Screw with my sisters (a cardgame for the uninitiated), and my mom would walk by and wordlessly drop a warm, heavy blanket over my shoulders. That’s care, y’all. Consistent, immediate action, and often without words.  

The tip here is to pay attention to your discomfort during a pandemic. There’s this immigrant stereotype of stoicism and that’s true to some degree but maybe the resilience is made possible not because of unnatural toughness but largely because immigrant parents can also be so incredibly perceptive and tender in some very tangible ways. 

When everything is chaotic around you and you’re busy multitasking these next few months, don’t ignore your needs. Notice how you’re feeling. Physically and emotionally. Where are you carrying your stress and tension in your body? You don’t have to tough it out. Oh and remember to check in with your people on how they’re feeling. Is there a light switch you can turn on for someone? 

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笑死人.

“Laugh to death.” 

6. Laugh to survive. Look, we didn’t have the perfect family or anything like that. We’ve definitely had our share of difficult times, financial stress, health issues, arguments, and pain. But my parents also really knew how to laugh and taught us to laugh with abandon. Like, bent over, tears running out of your eyes, can’t breathe kind of laughing. Our dinner table was kind of like a writer’s room. It was difficult to tell a mediocre story. You had better come prepared with a punchline or a point. It was a tough crowd, every night. On many occasions I stopped myself halfway through a story upon the self-realization that there was no real way to land the plane. Polite laughs were nowhere to be found, except perhaps a charitable smile from my baby sister. But it didn’t stop us from trying. I think my sisters and I are all probably better storytellers for it and we definitely have learned to try to bring humor into difficult times.  

I know that this pandemic is so incredibly dark and depressing that it can sometimes feel disrespectful, inappropriate, or childish to laugh at anything. But my parents taught me that you laugh to survive. Nothing is ever so dark that you can’t find a reason to laugh. And sometimes you really need to find something to laugh about.

I’ve been taking long breaks each day from major media news outlets but I have been finding such joy and laughter from the meme creators on IG and the comedic geniuses on Twitter. In Taiwanese when something’s really funny, people will say a phrase that is imperfectly translated as laugh to death. Like you killed a person it was so funny. Now’s the time to find that content or those people who will get you to laugh to death. 

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我要去挪車.

“I’m going to go re-park the cars.” 

7. Go to bed with a plan for the next morning. I grew up in a suburb of Houston, Texas where one property developer built the entire neighborhood and used the same eight or nine floor plans for all the houses but changed up the brick and trim color to keep things interesting. Most homes have a long driveway that connects a garage set near the backdoor of a home to the street. By the time I was driving, we had four cars in total -- two in the garage and two on the driveway. At the end of the day when everyone was home for the night and my dad was getting ready to go to bed, he’d announce, “I’m going to go re-park the cars.” Then we’d all kind of stop what we were doing and rearrange the order of the cars to match our morning departure schedules. This meant figuring out who was leaving when in the morning and sometimes also prompted brief check-in conversations about any changes in our usual routine. 

In a pandemic it can sometimes feel like there are a million different things to attend to and large conceptual concerns that demand your attention. But there’s something calming and centering about spending a few minutes each night thinking through specifically what needs to happen just tomorrow. Not the day after or next week. Get super tactical and specific about what tomorrow morning looks like. Check-in with your partner about any aberrations to your schedule (e.g. I have a super important conference call at 7am tomorrow) to minimize any unnecessary surprises. There’s something magical about setting up your morning that helps you rest just a little easier at night. 

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星期三我們有禱告會.

“On Wednesdays we have prayer meeting.”

8. Make time for your spirituality. Growing up my parents both had physically demanding jobs. My mom was a seamstress for many years, providing alterations at my aunt and uncle’s dry cleaners. She later worked in an elementary school cafeteria and then eventually became a classroom aide for special needs students. My dad worked at that same dry cleaners for years until he got a job at the post office. He then became a letter carrier, delivering mail on foot. The summer months were especially grueling, carrying a heavy sack of mail in 100 degree, humid weather, and walking until sweat soaked his shirts and blisters formed on his feet. They had every excuse to skip weeknight events. But unless they were sick in bed, I can’t remember a time when they missed their weekly prayer meeting with their friends from church.  

Pandemics have an unsettling way of forcing us to confront our mortality and can trigger a bunch of unresolved shit that has been bubbling underneath the surface. We’ve lost some of our usual coping mechanisms and it can be super hard to quiet the anxieties, fears, and other demons that we usually try to keep under control. This isn’t a lecture about a particular faith or belief system. It’s just a reminder to prioritize your existential questions, your interior life, and your connection to things much bigger than yourself -- whether that’s a community, a yoga practice, a faith group, a tradition, or something else. 

I have a fledgling meditation practice that I’ve been trying to strengthen since last year. When I say fledgling I mean that sometimes I bail before the ten minutes is up and check my phone. Even though I’m not very good at it yet, I can really tell the difference on the days that I make time for it. Our church started hosting its weekly Sunday service online and that’s challenging for me because a church service feels like it’s designed to be so much about the physical rhythm of going to a place, seeing faces of people I love, hearing their voices co-mingling with mine in song and in prayer, and tasting the bread and wine in my mouth. The online service was short, and just for viewing through a zoom conference call, but there was still something meaningful about setting aside that time Sunday morning, asking our wiggly kids to be present, and saying the liturgy out loud knowing that in homes all across the country, other people are doing the same. 

If things are really going to get as bad as some are predicting, we’ll need the spiritual strength to make it to the other side. Those habits are hard to form overnight. My parents taught me that you really have to make the time for your spirituality non-negotiable, so that you won’t abandon it when it’s inconvenient or when you are too tired.    

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沒辦法.

“What choice do we have?” 

9. Rise to the occasion. Whenever my parents are telling old war stories about things they had to do to get to where they are today, inevitably one of us will say, “Man that’s crazy, how did you manage to do it?” And instead of pointing to some super personality trait of theirs or some complex self-help principle, they always say, “We had no choice.” It’s not said in a defeated way, but in a posture of accepting that life can be cruel, unfair, and capricious. And that it’s not helpful to dwell too long on the why’s and how’s. My parents taught me that you can’t stay in despair mode. You eventually have to push yourself into problem solving mode and you do whatever it takes to move forward.  

This coronavirus is so unlike anything we’ve ever experienced in our lifetime. It is so unprecedented for me that my brain is having a hard time processing the reality of what’s happening right now and the rest of my lived experience. I spent the first few days of this week just being overwhelmed, anxious, angry, and irritable. At this point though, I’m in go mode. I’m doing what needs to be done for our family and taking care of business. What choice do we have? I can hear my parents saying it. One day, if we’re lucky, we’ll say it to our kids too. 

[hellyeahheroes]

Heroines of WOCtober: Jessica Cruz

After witnessing her friends’ murder, Jessica developed a severe trauma and anxiety disorder so severe it lead her to locking herself in her own room and refusing to leave. That’s where she was found by Power Ring - an evil counterpart of the Green Lantern Ring that feeds on people’s fears and slowly drains their users from life, hopping from host to host. It transformed Jessica in Power Ring and made her go on a rampage, but Justice League (and Batman in particular) managed to help her regain control and took her in, with Hal Jordan teaching her to control the ring’s powers. Power Ring was destroyed during the final storyline of that series, Darkseid War, but Jessica was immediately found by a legit Green Lantern Ring, becoming a new Green Lantern.

Soon after that all classic Green Lanterns left to space and left the Earth in care of Jess and her fellow rookie GL, Simon Baz. While the two clashed at first, with time they developed a strong friendship and a mutually supportive partnership. Both of them would also join the new incarnation of Justice League and would remain on it until the end of the series, when the team was restructured drastically and GL spot was given to John Stewart. Since then, Jessica would join a cosmic team Justice League Odyssey, exploring a so-called Ghost Sector of Space and trying to stop new intrigue being weaved by one of DC’s biggest baddies, Darkseid himself.

One of the things that made people love Jessica is a more realistic take on her anxiety. While many times comics would have character “overcome” their mental illness or disorder and be “fixed” or have superpowers “cure” them, it isn’t the case here. In fact, Green Lanterns did a story where Jessica saves the day by overcoming her anxiety only for the next issue to show that this isn’t something you have to overcome once and be done with but have to face every day. In fact, it did it TWICE just to hammer the point home. Jessica is also loved for being extremely relatable for modern audiences, with a strong dorky side to her. And of course many people can relate to her journey, It really is inspiring to see a young woman who not so long ago couldn’t leave her room fighting alongside classic heroes against greatest threats. Even Darkseid once applaud how far she has come and offered her a position of god of Willpower in his new pantheon. And she PUNCHED DARKSEID IN THE FACE!

Recommended Reading

Green Lanterns - THE essential Jess reading book, you may forgo anything else on this list but this is the book that made people love Jessica. It’s a story of her partnership with Simon and how both learn to support each other through their mutual issues, that may as easily dwell into cosmic lore of Green Lantern mythos as main characters issues on Earth as two jobless people with brown skin and bad resumes. It is collected in the following volumes: Rage Planet, Phantom Lantern, Polarity, The First Ring, Out of Time, A World of Our Own, Superhuman Trafficking, Ghosts of the Past and Evil’s Might (that last one has a sad case of Hal Jordan stealing the spotlight, I theorize it was a crossover with sister series Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps that was last minute turned into an arc in this book). And no, the cover above doesn’t lie, she indeed punched Guy Gardner in the face.

Justice League: Odyssey - happens after Green Lanterns and has Jess exploring space with Starfire, Cyborg and Azrael and lather gathering a new team (which includes freaking Dex-Starr, the angriest kitten in the Universe) once Darkseid’s plans ensnare her crewmates, de facto becoming the lead character of the book. Also, it single-handly launched Jess/Kory as a ship with a single panel of the first issue. Also, have I mentioned this is a book where Jess PUNCHED DARKSEID IN THE FACE!

Justice League 2011 #30-50 - Origin story and Jessica’s road from Power Ring to Green Lantern.

Justice League 2016 - Jessica and Simon are series regulars and featured in the majority of the issues and all arcs except 2 issue tie-in to Dark Nights Metal. It’s entirely harmless if you don’t feel like you can skip it but you won’t feel like you wasted time reading it.

Justice League vs Suicide Squad - a crossover that 2016 JL was involved in, ditto what I have said about it.

Alternate Universes:

Bombshells United issues #36-38 - Set in fabulous and queer af DC Comics Bombshells Universe, after an early cameo in issue #12, Jessica shows up in the final arc

DC Super Hero Girls: Spaced Out - Set in 2016 DC Super Hero Girls animated Universe, it has Jessica and friends heading to space for her to become a full-fledged Green Lantern

DC Super Hero Girls: Weird Science - a comics set in the 2019 DC Super Hero Girls animated series

Animation

DC Super Hero Girls 2016 has Jessica become Green Lantern in a 4-parter Ring Me Maybe, which you can watch legally on youtube for free.

DC Super Hero Girls 2019 - And in the new series that you can watch on CN Jessica is part of the main cast. Sadly, the shown downplayed greatly her anxiety, likely because of how dark the event that caused it was.

Justice League vs Fatal Five - A direct to DVD animated movie in which Jess is a member of the main cast and her struggle with anxiety allows her to form a bond with Starboy - a time-traveling hero from 31s century who came to the past to stop titular Fatal Five - future’s worst baddies who try to destroy the past - but found himself struggling with his mental illness without future medication he used to keep it in check.

- Admin

[octaviadblake]

Ὀδύσσεια + τό ἑκᾰτόν

OR The Odyssey + The 100, an in-depth look at parallels to Homeric canon in season 6, and how the themes and motifs present on Sanctum mirror Odysseus’s 10-year journey back to Ithaca.

DISCLAIMER: I was a Russian Lit major, not a Classics major, so I’m not an expert on this. I did study Ancient Greek and Ancient Greek Drama for 6 and 2 semesters in college, respectively, though, but my expertise is more on The Iliad than The Odyssey so just...cut me some slack lol

If you’re not down for this 2.7k word mini-dissertation, here’s your chance to turn back.

So for those of you who don’t know me, I’m a major Classics nerd. I studied The Iliad in the original in college (and yes, I will be writing a series of metas about how s1-5 are The Iliad so keep an eye out for that), but The Odyssey remains, arguably, Homer’s most prolific epic. I’ve never parsed the text in the original, so I’m not going to be doing any sort of text-to-quote analysis because I think using a translation would be a disservice to the text (major Classics nerd. cannot stress this enough.), but I’m gonna be doing a rundown of all the major stops on Odysseus’s journey and how The 100 has mimicked each and every one of those stops in season 6 thus far.

Still reading? Cool, let’s do this thing.

Some of you may have already read my theory on the anomaly and how I think what lies inside is something like the Island of the Lotus Eaters. If you haven’t read it, you can check it out here, but brief summary: the Lotus Eaters is the first stop Odysseus and his crew make. The Lotus plant is so entrancing that it makes people forget all about their lives outside the island and coerces them to stay there, stuck in a sort of opiate-like blissed out haze of chillness for the rest of their lives, and I think that may be what’s happening in the anomaly, not time travel like others have theorized. Cool, moving on.

The next stop of Odysseus’s journey is the island of Polyphemus, the cyclops who intends to eat him and his men. 

(Giulio Romano, Polyphemus)

They manage to escape when Odysseus (using the fake name of “Nobody”) blinds Polyphemus and they hide under the bellies of his sheep in order to avoid detection as they escape his cave.

Let’s think, how does this relate to our heroes? What’s happening right now on the show, going into episode 6x12? 

(gif credit: @commander-anya)

Clarke is pretending to be Josephine in order to blindside the Primes and help her people escape.

In The Odyssey, this is a continuation of the theme of “hosting” or “guest-friendship” (a term I’m borrowing from wikipedia since I’ve been out of school for over a year and don’t feel like actually thinking for this pseudo literary analysis). We saw this with the Lotus-Eaters, and we see it again with Polyphemus. But the Cyclops is a bad host. So are the Primes. 

Polyphemus’s host gift to Odysseus is that he tells him he’ll eat him last. He won’t spare him, but he’ll give him longer to live than the rest of his men. One of the drawbacks, is that means Odysseus is going to watch all of his people die, one by one, until he meets his demise. 

God, how many times have Clarke and Bellamy watched their people suffer? And now the Primes have a way to make nightblood. They’ve turned Echo into a nightblood. Who’s next? Presumably all of them, one by one, until all the Primes are brought back to life. And with Clarke masquerading as Josephine, how many of her people is she going to watch be tortured? How many might she lose in tonight’s episode and in next week’s episode before they manage to beat the Primes and escape? How much have they lost? How much more must they lose?

We also get our first hint of the theme of “cunning over strength” (a term I’m borrowing from SparkNotes because, again, I really don’t feel like putting more effort into this than I already am lmfao) at this point in The Odyssey. Odysseus devises a plan to escape the Cyclops that involves very little violence compared to the blood-soaked battles that we saw in The Iliad. Rather than brute force, he uses his cunning to escape. 

Clarke is going in as Josephine. She's not going for brute force. She’s not barging in with an army (that part comes later). This move is pure Clarke, all head. Going with the most cunning plan, not the most direct, not the most violent, the most strategic. 

Clarke Griffin is Odysseus.

GODDAMN IM LOVING THIS. I digress.

The next major plot point in The Odyssey is Odysseus running into Aeolus, the god of the winds. 

(source unknown by me, but this image is public domain)

He gives Odysseus a bag containing the four cardinal winds which, when opened at the right time, will send him straight home to Ithaca. His men think that the bag secretly contains a treasure that Odysseus is hoarding for himself and they open the bag, releasing the winds, and sending their ship even further off course than before, prolonging their journey.

I stumbled over this one for a second because it could be a few different moments in season 6. Gabriel giving Clarke info on how to take down the Primes? No, where’s the sabotage there? Murphy attempting to help Josephine to get mind drives for him and Emori? No, he ends up doing the right thing and puts them on the right track. Spacekru & friends devising a plan to defeat the Primes and Madi attacking them, sending them off the proverbial course? Hmm, sounds about right.

To make this easier for me, let’s call Bellamy, Echo, Emori, Murphy, Jordan, Miller, and Madi Spacekru 2.0. Well, they’re trying to make their plan to “work with” the Primes so they can get a compound, a home, for them and their people. But Madi is the crew to Spacekru 2.0′s Odysseus. She has her own agenda. She wants the treasure, she wants her revenge. 

She attacks the Primes, releases the winds as it were, and all hell breaks loose.

(gif credit: @bellamyblakepositivity)

They’re thrown off course. How will they ever get their compound now? How will they get their home? 

[Fun etymology fact break: Homecoming is stylized in The Odyssey as “νόστος” (nostos), when an epic hero returns home via voyage by sea, aka the MAIN theme in this epic. We get the word “nostalgia” from nostos, mixed with άλγος (algos) which means pain. Nostalgia is the pain of yearning for the past or for home. Is nostalgia/homecoming not one of the key themes of The 100? Is it not one of the key themes of The Odyssey? (also you could probably write an analysis of how nostos is a hero returning by sea and the way that space and the sea are often visually/metaphorically compared, the way you navigate both domains in a ship, the way you have an odyssey and a space odyssey....but that’s a discussion for another time)]

Next up on the journey? Aeaea, Circe’s island. 

(gif credit: ? if anyone knows, hmu so i can give credit please!)

Circe was a witch who turned men into animals (mainly pigs in The Odyssey, but in another myth, into a woodpecker, which isn’t relevant, I just think it’s funny). Here we get the motif of transformation and false appearances, a continuation of the Nobody plot, and a motif that we also see with the Primes taking over other people’s bodies, constantly transforming their appearances. 

While climbing a mountain to reach Circe’s palace, Hermes points Odysseus to a plant which will make him immune to Circe’s transformation magic. Why does this sound familiar......

The neural mesh in Clarke’s head gives her resistance to the mind drive allowing her consciousness to survive the “transformation.”

 Like the Island of the Lotus Eaters (and the anomaly) Circe has the ability to manipulate the passage of time, or rather, the perception of the passage of time. Odysseus loses quite a significant amount of time trapped on her island. (It’s not actually 5 years, the mini-series fudged that bit a little since Homer never specifies how long it is, but I’ll forgive you, The Odyssey mini-series, because I love you so very much that I cried when I found you on DVD in a tiny Wal-Mart in the backwoods of Tallahassee two years ago)

We also get another look at the complicated theme of guest-friendship on Circe’s island. She is, quite simply, a terrible host. She traps Odysseus’s men, just like the Primes trap Spacekru 2.0. Odysseus frees them. It’s on Clarke to free her people from the terrible hosts that are the Primes. There’s a joke in there about the Primes bodies being hosts to the mind-drives. Anyway.

Odysseus’s next stop is the land of the dead. He descends into Hades (a very perilous feat) to talk with the blind prophet Tiresias. He also talks to Anticlea, his deceased mother.

My god, if that stop isn’t exactly 6x07 Nevermind. 

Clarke talks to Jake Griffin, and tells him she thinks she’s dead, she’s ready to give up, she’s ready to let go. Odysseus tells Anticlea he feels the gods are against him, his journey is fruitless, he’ll never make it home. I don’t think that parallel could be more obvious if it punched you in the face.

I think maybe Monty is Tiresias in this scenario, giving Clarke advice and helping her navigate the mindspace so she can send a message to Bellamy that she’s alive which will give her the advantage of having an ally on her side. Odysseus promises Tiresias he’ll make a sacrifice to him once he gets back into the world of the living bc the dead feast on blood or something like that, but that’s like Clarke promising Monty she’ll do her best to continue to honor his challenge to her to do better. So cool. Love it.

(gif credit: @janemichaels)

Thematically, this mimics the theme of “testing” that’s present in The Odyssey (thank wikipedia again for helping me on this one lmao). You get Odysseus’s men’s loyalty being tested, and you get Odysseus’s identity itself being tested.

Clarke is tested when she is faced with the option of giving up and letting go. Spacekru 2.0 (and particularly Murphy and Emori) are tested when they learn Clarke is gone, then learn she’s alive. Will they be loyal enough to her to save her? Hint: yes, obviously, because Spacekru 2.0 is way better than Odysseus’s crew. Will Clarke decide to push forward and fight for her life? Hint: yeah, duh, because she’s just as badass as Odysseus. 

Next comes the sirens. 

Odysseus’s ship sails through the isle of the sirens, whose song lures sailors to their deaths. Odysseus makes his men stuff their ears with beeswax so they won’t be tempted by the song, but he ties himself to the mast, wanting to hear it. I kinda struggled with this one, but then I realized, at this point, we’re not looking at Clarke as Odysseus.

We’re looking at Octavia as Odysseus.

Octavia is faced with her greatest fear. She ends up running into the anomaly after Diyoza. If I’m right about the anomaly being sort of the Lotus Eaters, then we could assume that the anomaly holds Octavia’s deepest desires; that might have been what she’d have seen if she’d chosen the green box. She hears the call, and resists. The temptation and the overcoming thereof. 

I think that’s clear enough, so I’m gonna skip ahead to the passage between Scylla and Charybdis.

Earlier, Circe had warned Odysseus of this choice he would have to make. Choose the 6-headed monster on the left and lose at best, 6 of his men. Choose the whirlpool on the right, and lose them all.

[Sidenote: how interesting is it that the anomaly is associated with a spiral shape, mimicking that of a whirlpool? Should we believe that if they enter the anomaly it is, in fact, certain death that awaits them? Or is it a metaphoric whirlpool, and they’re just being sucked in, never to return to their original mission of returning home (*cough* Lotus Eaters again *cough*)?]

(gif credit: @aryastarktheshewolf)

So I think this choice is reminiscent of Octavia’s choices of the red box versus the green box. Presumably, face her greatest fears or her deepest desires. She chooses the red box. Better to face her fears and risk dying that way than face her desires (the same green of the anomaly anyone??) and risk getting sucked in like Diyoza was, never to return. 

She never saw her deepest desires in the forest (from what we saw) so it makes sense that she would choose the red box. She knows she can escape her fears. Blodreina no more. But if she faces her desires, who’s to say she could ever turn back? 

(gif credit: @daeneryskairipa)

Cool cool, so freaking cool, I love these parallels so much, y’all. 

Now we get to explore the most Prime-like example of “guest-friendship” in The Odyssey.

Ogygia. Calypso’s island. 

[Fun etymology fact break: “Kαλύπτω” (kalupto), the word that lends its root to Calypso’s name, means “to conceal” or “to deceive.” Calypso is “the one who conceals,” she’s “the deceiver.” “Ὠγύγιος” (ogugios), which lends its meaning to Ogygia, means “primeval” or “primal.” The Primes...the first settlers of Sanctum...the ones from the earliest ages (another interpretation of the word). The Primes, the deceivers. The Primes, the primeval ones. Hmmm.]

(screencap from The Odyssey mini-series, 1997. btw, Vanessa Williams will ALWAYS be Calypso in my mind)

Calypso offers Odysseus a home on Ogygia, but he will have to abandon his dream of returning to Ithaca, to his home, to his wife, Penelope, and to his son, Telemachus. She actually prevents him from leaving for seven years (more warped passage of time a la the anomaly), effectively keeping him prisoner. But he wants for nothing there. He is fed and clothed and bathed and sheltered. 

Our heroes are offered a home on Sanctum, but it’s not all it appears. It’s not the paradise they’re lead to believe it to be. They’re deceived. 

[EDIT: Leah @braveprincess offered an interesting take on Calypso, which I absolutely HAVE to share with y’all:

Anyway, let my rant continue]

In order to stay, they must sacrifice Clarke, Madi too, and well, now, all of their people the Primes want to make into nightbloods. They’re prisoners in Sanctum. They can’t leave, not only because the Primes won’t let them, but because what awaits them is the Children of Gabriel and the mysteries of this new planet. Their best chance at survival is with the Primes. But that also means compromising and losing people they refuse to be without.

Bellamy is Odysseus now. Clarke is his Penelope. 

(gif credit: @bellarkedaily)

He won’t negotiate with the Primes. He won’t sacrifice Clarke. Shut up, I’m not crying, you’re crying. 

Athena asks Zeus to intervene, so he sends Hermes to tell Calypso she must release Odysseus. Odysseus leaves to continue the next, and last, part of his journey. His return home. 

Bellamy leaves Sanctum to save Clarke. Once he has her back, they can continue their final journey, building a home on this new world. Or so we hope. 

But who knows? We haven’t seen the finale yet. Maybe they’ll stay on this world. Maybe not.

Some people have been theorizing that they’ll return to Earth (via time travel or whatever it is, which I don’t really buy but whatever), which would be a really nice conclusion to the theme of nostos, but the problem with that is right now, there is no Earth to return to. Nostos only works if there’s a home to go back to. And that home, usually, must be unchanged from when the hero left to fit into the proper meaning of the word.

So, what would be the best way for The 100 to get our heroes back to Earth to fulfill this Odyssey-esque narrative that they (probably unwittingly) have set up? 

SEND ‘EM INTO THE ANOMALY!

Let them chill there, enjoy a little bit of paradise, let time pass super fast in the outside world while it passes normally for them, let Earth recover, and send ‘em back. But that bit is more of a pipe dream than anything else and I doubt that’s what they’ll do. I’m not a big fan of most anomaly theories, but I think that could be a cool one. Who knows.

Anyway, that’s all I have for today. Next week post-finale, I’ll probably work through the rest of The Odyssey, with Odysseus’s return to Ithaca, defeating the suitors, and winning his wife back, if all goes to plan with beating the Primes. So if you liked this (admittedly rambling half-cocked mini thesis paper), keep an eye out for that one. 

After this season, I’m gonna be doing a series on how seasons 1-5 are actually The Iliad, so if you wanna scream about Classics & The 100 with me, just drop a line in my ask :)

[burnouts3s3]

Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid, a review

(Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit unprofessional blog post written by an unprofessional blog poster. All purported facts and statement are little more than the subjective, biased opinion of said blog poster. In other words, don’t take anything I say too seriously.) Just the facts 'Cause you're in a Hurry! Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price (MSRP): 50 USD Digital Copy (MSRP): 17.99 USD How much I paid: 50 USD. Animation Studio: ARMS Licensed and Localized by: Funimation Entertainment Audio: Japanese Audio with Subtitles and English Dub available.   English Cast: Kayla Hardwick as Mamori, Morgan Garrett as Mirei, Brittney Karbowski as Meifon, Janelle Lutz as Akira Hiragi, Monica Rial as Charlotte Scharsen, Roseanne Palmer as Kasumi Shigure, Tia Ballard as Rain Hasumi, Jamie Marchi as Lady J and Cynthia Cranz as Torino. Number of Episodes: 12 Episodes Length per Episode: 25 Minutes on average. 21 Without Intro and Ending song. Number of Discs: 4 Discs in Total. 2 DVD Discs and 2 Blu-ray discs. Episodes per Disc: Episodes 1-7 on the 1st DVD disc. Episodees 8-12 on the 2nd DVD disc. Episodes 1-9 on the first Blu-ray disc with Episodes 10-12 on the second Blu-ray disc along with the special features. Does this come a digital voucher to redeem?: No. This only has the Physical DVD and Blu-ray discs. Also on: Amazon Video, Funimation Now, Funimation’s streaming service that requires a subscription. Bonus Features: Textless Openings, Textless Ending and Trailers for other Funimation Licensed Shows. Episode 3 Commentary. Notable Localization Changes: Meifon, the smuggler character who wears a pink cowboy hat, is given a southern accent by her voice performer, Brittney Kowbalski.   My Personal Biases: I never really invested in the Valkyrie Drive franchise before and never played any of the games the anime is adapting. Sorry. My Verdict: Trashy, lurid, gaudy and with enough fanservice to make even the most perverted of us blush, Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid is sure to give its intending audience the happy ending they want. It’s too bad that in 12 short episodes, there’s just not enough there, emotionally or lore wise, to get invested in unless you’ve already have backhand knowledge of the games. Wait for a sale. A/N: Okay, since I don’t want the moderators to flag this post, I’m going to have to put an explicit warning here. So while I won’t post any nudity, I will have to Age restrict this post just so I don’t get any flak. Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid. a review 

Girls from all over the world have been infected with a mysterious virus known as the A Virus (Armed Virus). These girls are divided into two classes; Extars, who can transform into weapons when sexually aroused, and Liberators, who have the power to wield an Extar's weapon form, known as Liberator Arms, through a process known as Drive. These girls are brought to separate islands to spend their days completely isolated from the rest of the world until the islands' Observers, authorized by the government Organisation AAA, ostensibly deem them ready to rejoin society again. Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid follows an Extar named Mamori Tokonome who forms a partnership with the Liberator Mirei Shikishima on the island called Mermaid.(For our friends not fluent in Japanese, Tokonome shares a very similar writing as the word ‘Virgin’ in Japanese, which Togonome is.). Mamori and Mirei are caught between a conflict between the Wärter, the island’s government that lives the castle, Veste, and those fleeing it. With Governor Akira (a supposed male Liberator that’s actually female) trying to be fair, Charlotte getting delusions of grandeur and wanting to rule with an iron fist and Kasumi attempting to be fair to the girls, the Wärter is in constant conflict. Those attempting to flee join up with Ms. Torumi, a kind soul who offers shelter for girls looking for freedom. Meanwhile, a sneaky smuggler by the name of Meifon is trying to earn a profit from the war. Along the way, Mamori and Mirei meet other Liberators and Extars, such as the team Lady J and Lady Rain in which one transforms into a ridable motorcycle. Other liberators, such as Charlotte, have their own harem of Extars and arouse multiple ones to form a multi-part weapon. Let’s get this out of the way. Yes, it IS in fact Soul Eater but with Lesbians. And the show isn’t afraid of being explicit about it. We are talking full-on nudity with lots of exposed breasts flopping around, bouncing and lots and lots of shots of nipples erecting… and hardening… Christ, this makes fanservice driven series like Kannazuki no Miko or Strawberry Panic look like the chaste Maria-Sama ga Miteru. On the technical side, everything is very well done. The animation for both the action and fanservice scenes is well animated, the music flows scene to scene (even if I couldn’t really remember any pieces that stood out) and the voice acting for both the Original Japanese and English dub is well-done. So, if you’re looking for lots and lots of scenes of girls kissing each other, breasts flopping around with the viscosity of jello and scenes of action with naked girls, have I got a show for you. Story wise, I found the series rather lacking. Seasonal shows really need to be careful with their pacing. With a limited 12 episode run, VD:M is already bursting at the seams with an overly long 4 episode prologue establishing the characters, the setting, the divide between the girls going along with Charlotte and Akira’s lawful order, Kasumi’s wavering allegiance and Torumi’s group of rebels and Meifon’s smuggling between the 2 sides. There’s a sense of urgency that the peace can’t last and conflict is unavoidable. But, not so urgent that we couldn’t have two light-hearted episodes involving one girl becoming Kaiju sized and another episode with a beauty contest in a cultural festival.

Boy, this season of Attack on Titan got WEIRD. When the main big bad does rear her head near the final 4 episodes, the show does a good ‘enough’ job establishing the backstory between her and Mirei, but you get the sense that maybe, had the show paced itself better, it would mean more. Yes, the final battle with all the girls joining together at the end is impressive to look at, but emotionally, I just wasn’t feeling it. If the show were as committed to giving me emotional turning points as it was fan service, I would’ve been more impressed. The characters are also rather lacking (writing wise). While Mirei is certainly admirable and one of the most likable of the cast, Mamori doesn’t really change much (character wise). Granted, the show pays lipservice (no pun intended) to the idea that the more courageous Mamori is, the more powerful the weapon she becomes, but there’s never that moment where Mamori ‘saves’ Mirei or gives her the comfort Mirei needs like the way Himeko comforted Chikane at the end. They instead fuse to one super being. It feels like at one point Mamori was supposed to have the final turning point and be the one to rescue Mirei, but Mamori just ends up being captured and put into the damsel role again. I also liked Kasumi and her dubious allegiance with the rebels as well as Meifon, getting into all sorts of trouble for some cash. I’m told by fans of the franchise that in peripheral media, some of the other couples get more character development. For example, the team of Lady Rain and Lady J were actually on opposite sides of a war but intentionally got themselves captured just to be together or that Governor Akira actually has a female lover back on the mainland and longs to be with her. Again, I am not here to judge what’s in an appendix. What’s in the show is in the show and it’s clear the TV producers weren’t interested in those stories to begin with, so why should I?   Funimation Entertainment did the localization for the show. And for the most part, the dub script stays as close as it does to the original Japanese version. Granted, Funimation has always played it loose with dubbing scripts and this is no exception. The English script contains lots of innuendos and sex jokes to make the English viewers chuckle (i.e. “I caught and she pitched.” “Let’s go digging for treasure” “I’m gonna let it all hang out!”) Karbowski adopts a southern accent for Meifon so thick, I thought I was listening to Nico Robin from the 4Kids dub of One Piece. (I’m aware that localizers tend to translate those with Kansai dialect and give them a Southern accent and Karbowski seems to be doing this accent winking to the audience and having fun with it). Special credit should go to Janelle Lutz as Akira Hiragi, managing to perform dual roles as both masculine and feminine variations of the character. The rest of the cast does a good job voicing their perspective roles. Monica Rial does with she can with Charlotte and Cynthia Cranz as Torumi seems to especially fit the role of a motherly caretaker for lost girls. (Yes, I find the fact that one of the characters is voiced by the same performer as Chi-chi and Botan very disconcerting). THE ORIGINAL JAPANESE AUDIO WITH SUBTITLES IS AVAILABLE FOR THOSE WHO PREFER IT. The package includes the OVAs (Original Video Animation) which are short videos of each of the girls revealing motivation and backstory as well as a lot of nudity with nipples becoming more and more erect. Lots of them. What’s weird is that the OVAs are also dubbed with the cast members. Funimation didn’t even dub the OVA for Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid. CAVEAT: It’s very strange that the series suddenly wants to take a more dramatic turn with emphasis on character development and history, but still plays out in a very fanservice driven anime. In some ways, I was enjoying the show more when it wasn’t really about anything and just amped the fanservice up to 11. With the exception of a few characters, I wasn’t invested in the goings on and 12 episodes is too short for me to have nostalgic feelings for Mermaid Island. For 50 USD, Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid is a bit on the steep end. While the animation, music, fight scenes and… PLOT are all well done, emotionally, it doesn’t have much to offer. Then again, I don’t expect emotional substance out of show where half the teenagers become sexually aroused and transform into weapons. Those looking for a happy ending (in both senses of the term) will enjoy this. Verdict: Wait for a sale or rental.  

[afterspark-podcast]

Transformers (2007): Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

O: And now I'm just imagining him showing up at this little old grandma's house, ripping up the house and being like, “HOW DARE YOU!?!”

[Intro Music]

S: Welcome... to hell!

O: It’s time.  It’s time for the Bay movies guys.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2007 Transformers film!

O: Shall we talk about giant robots? [dissolves into laughter]

S: Yeah.  Let's talk about giant robots, though we may be very unhappy by the end of this.

O: So first, an info dump, for what is most likely a refresher for the majority of you folks but a- the live-action Transformers movie was directed by [deadpan] Michael Bay and uh, starring Shia LaBeouf.

S: The movie did incredibly well at the box office and introduced a lot of people to the franchise and um, these people may have been unaware of it [the Transformers franchise] before or hadn't seen a prior but it was an introduction at least for most.

O: Which is probably the most positive thing that we can say about this movie.  The movie franchise is likely the main reason we got the Transformers Prime TV series and even brought more readers to the first IDW comic run.  Which maybe wasn't super great at the time the movie came out, but got way better! [laughs]

S: Yeah, I mean, IDW also had comics based on the movie, in addition to the main IDW G1-

O: And I haven’t read those yet, but yeah.

S: I don't think we've made our disdain for this movie a secret but just in case, neither of us enjoy this movie.

O: Like, at all.

S: So if you personally like this movie this episode may not be for you.  Um, we're sorry guys.

O: [laughs] We are, actually, because I- I know there are people out there who like it.  We're not those people, but we will be back for a normal G1 schtick later, so uh, please join us then.

S: That isn't to say that there hasn't been excellent fanfiction based off of this.

O: Eh, fanfiction, fanart-

S: Um-hm.

O: Oh my god, there- there was this one I saw the other day where somebody did like, a Transformers Animated of ah, Last Knight Megatron-

S: Oh!

O: -and I was like, “I legitimately like that!  Good job, you!”

S: There’s some excellent fan work based on these movies.

O: Yeah, like, just hands down, but um...  Well, down to brass tacks Specs, what was your first experience with this movie like?

S: Hmm, ah, well let's go back in time, shall we?

O: [makes woo noises]

S: So I didn't see it in theaters.  Ah, my first experience with this movie was getting it for my birthday... yay.

B: [laughter]

O: Yay.

S: I watched it and um, and was like, “Okay... that was a thing.  It exists, um, Bumblebee peed on a guy.” And I watched this with my parents, I'll have you know!

O: And it- it's way funnier when you know her parents, who are extremely Catholic and her mother who is extremely Irish Catholic and imagining them watching this movie with her is hysterical .

S: My mom doesn't like sci-fi to begin with-

O: Yeah, right!  And then, all of this was happening!

S: Yeah, my- my dad probably enjoyed it more because he likes explosions and stuff.

O: [laughs] He's a nice guy but he is- he- he, he's a simple man.  He has simple criteria for the things he enjoys and I can respect that.

S: He actually really likes Terry Pratchett but let’s-

O: Oh, yes.

S: -let's get back to this.  Uh, I don't think I uh, rewatched it for a while because uh, high school was happening and I had better things to be doing.  You know, like reading fanfic or doing homework. Homework was more enjoyable than this.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] So I found the movie mostly just disappointing.  While it did breathe new life into the fandom it seemed like most of the pre-existing fans that I- you know, knew or followed or was aware of, were disappointed by the designs and the story on like- specifically on the forum that I was frequenting at the time.  Other people loved it and I mean, it did create a new influx of fans, so... that's a positive thing.

I was also super annoyed by the lack of Arcee because there was a decent toy of her and I own it.  It's the only Bayverse toy I own, and then they had Arcee and two other characters that shared the same mold show up in the second movie and then die.

O: And- and these were not the same mold as the toy she [Specs] owns.

S:  Yes.

O: To make this even weirder, like, Arcee did have a design apparently [in the first movie].

S: Yes, she was a nice motorcycle.  She had legs in the first- for the first movie toy and then… then she was a unicycle thing-

O: Mm-hmm.

S: -in the second movie and then they all died.  And I don't own any other toys from ah- from the Bayverse franchise, so let's go over to you.

O: Eh-heh-heh-ha!  So, to my memory I first saw this in high school.  I want to say it may have actually been something they showed at school?  [My SO seems to remember the same thing, so this was probably the case. ~O]

And in direct contrast to Specs, I went to public school in a rural area, no one gave a shit, so...  I- I saw the second one in theaters, but I legitimately do not remember where I saw the first one. Uh, for the record, I thought it was fine!  I had zero reference, beyond a foggy memory of Beast Machines- not even Beast Wars guys, Beast Machines.  And hadn't seen G1 at all.  I very vaguely knew who Optimus Prime was and pretty much nobody else.

No, it would take over a decade before this film franchise filled me with seething rage.

S: And you didn't even get into the fandom, when I tried interesting you in it.  You got into it by yourself!

O: [laughs] I know!  She tried! She tried in college! [laughs] Which is why, I was like, “Hey, I want to watch Beast Wars!” It was like, not looking where I was going and walking off a cliff!  [laughs]

S: Pretty much, and then I just threw TV shows at you.

O: She just like, thew DVD’s down the cliff at me! [continues laughing]

S: And comics.

O: Which I mean...I didn’t really mind...but I love that description so much.

S: [laughs]

O: But, uh, all of this aside, I will be saying my media recommendation for the day here, instead of at the end.  I strongly recommend watching Lindsey Ellis’, “The Whole Plate.” Which is a series about film studies through the lens of Transformers.  Not only is excellent breaking these movies down in the context of film, and film theory, but it's informative and done by someone else who clearly loves Transformers.

Pretty sure her favorite is Starscream, but I also think I saw a Wheeljack in the background of one of her videos, but do not quote me on that.  Uh, it is at least partially due to Lindsey I started watching G1. Uh, the other YouTube culprit I'll likely recommend in a different video, heh, but needless to say she certainly didn't hurt.  I'd been watching her, “Whole Plate,” series since 2017 so... over a year before I made that so fateful decision to borrow Beast Wars.

This recommendation also comes caveat: Because I've watched her videos, I know I've been heavily influenced by them and... it is likely I will talk about some of the same points that she's made... while we're going through this movie.  So just, if- eh, this is me so this is me, um, cite--this is me giving you my citation for ah, my work, essentially.

Go watch Lindsey Ellis’ videos, they're fantastic.

S: And I suppose to counterpoint, I haven't seen any of her videos.  So anything that I talk about that ends up accidentally being something that comes up in here is an accident.

O: The only- I think I showed you the- the Megan Fox video.

S: You might have, but at this point it's been so long ago that-

O: [quietly]  That’s true..

S: -that I probably don't remember, or almost certainly don’t.

O: Fair!  Anyway, definitely go- go, uh, watch her, because she's interesting.  I-I feel like there’s- I’ve seen posts that like, seem like at least some people don't like her.  So, I don't know what's going on there and I don't really want to find out. So if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing and that's fine.    Well! Ready for the movie?

S: Say it isn't so, but yes, yes I am.

O: [laughs] Here we go!

S: [sighs]  We open with some opening narration by Optimus Prime played by Peter Cullen of the da--

O: -of Optimus Prime? [laughs]

S: Well, I was gonna say, “of the days of old.”

O: [laughs louder]  Okay, fair! And I don't- I don’t care if he mostly in a cartoon voice over work, he is too good for this fucking movie!

S: He is.  He gives us the backstory for Cybertron and the Autobot/Decepticon war and I think, you see someone spearing someone else with something in this…

O: It wouldn’t shock me.  Something called the AllSpark is super important and they send it off planet to keep the Decepticons from getting it.

S: The Autobots couldn’t keep track of it either.  They did not think this through.

O: Of course, it landed on an unknown planet, Eii-arth!

S: [snickers] Megatron apparently followed the AllSpark but pulled a Skyfire and got frozen in the Arctic, where he was found by a team of explorers led by Captain Archibald Witwicky.  Doesn't that just sound like a manly man.

O: [laughing]  He is!

S: The part of Skyfire will be played by Megatron in this movie.

O: Make sure to properly chill your Decepticon warlord for at least a couple of decades before serving.

S: Don't you mean a couple thousand years?

O: Shush!

B: [laugh]

S: Meanwhile, Skyfire’s sir not appearing in this picture.

O: Also, don't be fooled by the opening guys!  Sure, Optimus may be talking now but it won't last.  It'll be like, what? An hour before we get any more giant robots talking?

S: Probably.  We cut to the Middle East in the um, ‘present’ day.

O: Well, present day ten years ago anyway.

S: It's soldiers doing transportation stuff on a military base... and a guy wants to eat alligators.

O: Fuck yeah, America- am I right!?!

S: It’s cuisine.  The military partially funded these movies if anybody was unaware this really helps explain their presence in the movie series.

O: That and Bay's HUGE fuckin’ boner for ‘em.

S: The soldiers here are some of the better characters in the movie.  They're funny, they work well off each other, and you know, [gasp] feel like they’re friends.

O: What a concept.  An unknown helicopter lands at the base, transforming into a giant robot and starting to destroy said base.

S: The Decepticons apparently want US military codes or they're trying to find the AllSpark location, or something.

O: I can't help but think of Soundwave was here this would have been done so much more competently.  Even Soundwave- even movie Soundwave is still competent.

S: Oh, probably.  Uh, the Decepticon is Blackout by the way, who- I'm not sure we ever see or hear him talk?

O:  Yeah, like, we might hear him talk in Cybertronian at the very end of the movie like, when it's like, doing the all the Decepticons gettin’ ready.

S: Hmm.

O: Um…

S: Maybe.

O: He never really is a character, um, but I hope you're ready for shaky cam video of this robot and not getting a good look at him!

S: Oh!  Flying tanks, how novel.

O: [laughs] They fail to fight off the Decepticon and a small group of soldiers manages to escape the base, but not without being followed by Scorpinok.

S: Who is released by, um, Blackout cuz apparently he's his pet or something-

O: Something like that.  The only thing you need to remember about this is that the main soldier is Lennox, and he is leading the group.  The other characters have names. I had to look them up.

S: Yeah, they aren’t very big characters, unfortunately.  It would have been more entertaining if-

B: -they were.

S: [sighs] And then suddenly we're at a high school.

O: Following a teenage boy who's gonna try to hawk his great-great-great-something-grandfather’s shit in the middle of class.

S: [sighs] Why is he hawking shit?  Because he wants to seduce the hottie by getting a car, either that, or that is merely a side effect of getting a car that he hopes will happen.

O: Mikaela is way too good for him.

S: She is.

O: He blabs on about how his something-grandfather, Captain Archibald Witwicky was the first man to explore the Arctic.

S: Never mind that there were already people living there.

O: He was the first white idiot to make it up there and not die?

S: Possibly.

O: [laughs]

S: We're introduced to the glasses of plot here.  They're not particularly relevant right now, but they will be later!

O:  Notice those weird etchings on the lenses?  That's- that's a thing!

S: Keep these in mind.  Put a pin in it. But right now, Sam is talking about selling his stuff on eBay.

O: ~ Ladies~ he takes Paypal. [laughs]

S: The bell rings and the rest of the class leaves as Sam talks to his teacher.  Proceeding to be a total freaking dumb ass by guilting his teacher into giving him a better grade than he deserved, because otherwise his dad won't help him buy a car.

O: And remember, this is supposed to be the character we’re identifying with.  Thanks! I hate it.

S: [sighs] You know, and after meeting Sam's dad, his behavior makes a lot more sense.  Clearly he gets dickish behavior from said dad.

O: His dad drives him through a Porsche dealer to make him think he's buying Sam a Porsche, which just kind of seems like a dick move.  They proceed to show up at a used-car lot with, uh, Sam spying a mysterious Camaro, which is Bee in this.

S: Like, Bumblebee was actually following them into the car lot which is kind of funny-

O: Yeah, but- but they didn't really see him until he parked in the car lot.

S: Yeah, I guess uh, they had to make him cooler for the 2000’s.

O: You know, I always liked the little Volkswagon bugs when I was in high school around this timeframe.  I still do, they're adorable!

S: They're cute.  Unfortunately, they're not sexy enough for a teenage boy in the mid-2000s.

O: [sighs] No, but they were sexy enough for a teenage boy in the 80’s.

S: [laughs] Yes, but that was when he knew it was his- it was friend shaped.

O: [laughs] Oh-

S: Bumblebee is-

O: G1 Bumblebee is so friend shaped.

S: He is.  He's friend shaped to everyone except Megatron, really.  Well, all of the Decpti-

O: No, he’s friend shaped to Megatron in the comics too!

S: Oh god, well, are we talking IDW comic or the original?

O: I was talking about the- I was talking about the- the plot in IDW, yeah. [laughs] Mostly I just thought was funny because his design is very, very similar in that toG1-

S: Yeah-

O: And I was like, yeah that’s pretty funny though.

S: Yeah, you're right he was very friend shaped in that.

O: He is friend shaped to everybody.

S: But in the Marvel Comics he's not friend shaped to the Decepticons.

O: Oh no, nobody's friend shaped in the Marvel comic. [laughs]  Are you kidding me?

S: Ah, ah, Bee’s been following this kid around for a while and the car salesman clearly has never seen this damn car in his life, but he's still gonna try and sell it.

O: I-I mean given that it is his car lot, I can’t- I’m not sure I can fault him on this decision really? [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not honest.

O: [laughs] No.

S: And he's like, “I'm honest- whatever.”  I think he has, “honesty,” actually on a sign somewhere.

O: [continues to laugh]

S: I don't know, it's not- it doesn't really matter.  And, um, there's also an ostrich here. Why is there an ostrich!?!

O: I think he has a petting zoo or something, I don’t know.

S: He is down to make that dough.

O: Very.

S: Bee also comes with racing stripes.

O: We all know that makes him go faster, Specs!

S: [snorts]

O: [laughs]

S: Amongst other things, Bee contains a bee air freshener, that says “BEE-OTCH,” a small disco ball, and a weird lion bobblehead, that I thought was a small taxidermied animal at first.

O: [laughs] And we didn’t even see it till our second walk- er, watch through either!  Just to make this more ridiculous!

S: Yeah, it vanishes so I gather Spike didn’t- oh god, not Spike-

O: No, this isn’t Spike, it would probably be better if it was!

S: Yeah.  Sam didn't think it was too hot either.

O: Yeah, but uh, this whole bit, just feels creepy.  Sam's gonna buy Bumblebee, a living, thinking, being, whose intelligence definitely surpasses his own.

S: And let's compare this to Charlie from the Bumblebee movie, who's trying to rebuild a car by herself with no support from her family and then there's Sam.  And I mean, okay, yeah, she does get Bumblebee, basically- basically in a transaction. She does kind of buy him, but when she realizes that he's a person, she treats him like a person.

O: Exactly, and Sam is just this entitled little rich kid living in a nice house and has everything handed to him in Southern California!   I don't know what his parents do, but clearly they make good fucking money!

S: I don't know what they do.

O: Me either!

S: Bee is even parked next to a VW Bug, an old one.  Which he will then proceed to wreck.

O: I feel like this is the start to Michael Bay being like why do you like, “Why do you like that nerdy shit?  Come look at boobs, tits, and nice cars. These are the only things that are really important.” This will be the hill I die on.

S: [sighs] I don’t understand Michael Bay.

O: If you didn’t like this, why did you do it!?!  I know the answer is money.

S: Money is-

O: But you can at least do it enjoyably!

S: Yeah, well, money is the root of a lot of... stuff.  Speaking of, Bee is... very much a dick here. He destroys this guy's entire lot of cars, or at least all their windows.  Because he emits a supersonic noise and you know, busts all the windows in an effort to get Sam to buy him or get the guy to sell him to Sam-

O: For a cheaper price, basically.

S: Yeah.

O: Cutting to the Pentagon, the Secretary of Defense is briefing a team of technicians who will be attempting to decode the Decepticon signal they got from Blackout earlier. (Kind of.)

S: One of them is a very intelligent young woman named Maggie.

O: Who will proceed to be shot like another piece of tits and ass, like all the pretty woman in this movie.  Oh, and if you're not young and pretty in this movie series you're basically just a harpy.

S: [sighs] And after this movie we will never see her again.  Which might imply that she has more longevity than Sam.

O: Smart girl.  At Sam’s house, we’re introduced to his mom, his dog, and some casual sexism.

S: We're not allowed to put girl jewelry on a male dog in this house, are we?

O: Of course not!  What would the men think?  That jewelry is awesome and they're totally allowed to wear it.  Yeah, actually let's do that- that sounds way better.

S: [sighs] But don't worry if you think Mojo [Sam’s dog] is emasculated or something.  Later movies will have him humping absolutely everything.

O: Yeah, because that's what I want to watch in a movie about giant alien robots!

S: Admittedly, these movies aren't particularly about giant alien robots.  They’re-

O: No, they're like- about Sam's love life and explosions [snickers].

S: Or whatever the human lead’s love life.

O: [quietly] True.

S: That's- that’s typically how it runs. [sighs] Back to the army guys again.  They're still attempting to escape Scorponok. Except they don't know that Scorponok’s following them.

O: No, but they're like, trying to get away from the base.

S: They're trying to get somewhere where they can contact help, I think? So they're making their way through the desert, with this young kid that showed up at the very beginning of the movie and was like, “Hi!  You're my friends, I'm bringing you something.” And he escaped with them.

O: Yup.  They decide they need to get their intel back to Pentagon as soon as possible.

S: And in our other movie, Sam's friend is a moron, and Mikaela's boyfriend is a dick, just a beefier dick than Sam.

O: So infuriating, this should be relatable.  I was the weirdo in high school! But no, I still just want to strangle Sam with my bare hands.

S: And- well, honestly, Miles (Sam's friend) isn't really a moron.  He's just acting like an actual teenage boy.

O: [laughs]

S: [huffs] He's climbing trees and entering cars through the window and then in the next scene when we see that, the door is open?  So he like, dived through the door?

O: Continuity.  Continuity is not a thing, Specs.

B: [laugh]

S: [sighs] Sam proceeds to bait Mikaela's jock boyfriend to satisfy his own ego, but just barely manages to avoid a knuckle sandwich.

O: UNFORTUNATELY.  Said boyfriend then proceeds to treat Mikaela like property.

S: He won't even let her ride in the front seat of his truck.  She knows significantly more about trucks than you do, you asshole!  She could probably-

O: Oh, she could run circles around this asshole.

S: Well no, I was thinking she could probably you know, set something up so that his truck killed him.

O: Ah-ha-ha, there we go!  That's the movie- that's the movie Mikaela should have been in.

S: Well, I mean, Megan Fox- she is apparently good in Jennifer's Body.  Sam boots his friend out of Bumblebee so that he can offer... Mikaela a ride home.

O: It’s shitty to strand your friend like this, dude.

S: It's especially shitty, because the car has backseat.

O: And he couldn't shove his friend back there.

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: Mikaela reluctantly accepts and Bee has decided to become Sam's wingman, apparently.

S: I'm assuming he knows what teenagers do in cars, but really, does he actually understand what teenagers do in cars!?!

O: [while laughing] Um, I'm-I’m not sure to be honest.

S: Well, considering they apparently learned English from the internet.

O: Yeah, you’d think there’d be some porn thrown in there.

S: I’d assume so.  Um, he breaks down causing Mikaela to open his hood and check the engine.

O: And what kills me, is that she's saying relevant things throughout the scene but the way she's shot, she's not treated like a person, she's treated like a-a-an object to be viewed essentially, and it is very frustrating. I know we could assume that it's from Sam's perspective, but boy does this get old.

S: It gets really old.  Sam asks her about why she hangs out with her boyfriend.  Of course, he phrases it like, strongly hinting that she should hang out with him instead.  And Mikaela can totally tell that he's doing that so she's like, “I'm out,” and starts walking off.

O: But Bee suddenly starts working again so Sam's able to convince her to at least let him finish driving her home.

S: She'd have probably had a better time walking home, let's be real.

O: Probably.

S: Except she might have had really uncomfy shoes...

O: Eh, except like, it was sunset, and it was night by the time they got home.  So I have to ask, how far out of town were they?

S: That's a good point.  Um, and then we get Sam saying uh, [sighs] that, “There's more than meets the eye,” about the Mikaela.

O: Why does this just feel like another slap in the face of the original series?

S: Probably because it is, and on to Air Force One.  Frenzy, who's apparently someone's carry on here, because he's a boombox in this and was actually under someone's seat.

O: Or!  You could choose to imagine him walking onto the onto the plane himself.  Just thing about this little radio, who’s got teeny tiny little legs, and walks on the plane.  It's way funnier!  Also, did he steal Soundwave’s alt!?!

S: That is a fun thing, but yeah.  Hello president who is obviously Bush!  Whose face we don't see, but unfortunately we get to see his besoc- besocked feet.

O: He wants a ding dong.

S: [sighs]

O: Betcha do!  Uh, Frenzy attempts to get data from the military database by way of Air Force One, but he’s caught while doing this, and so the Secret Service shoots at him.

S: The Secret Service apparently didn't get the 4-1-1 on what you don't do on a plane.  You don't shoot shit on a plane. You really don't wanna do that. It just leads for a bad time, for everyone, very briefly.

O: [laughing] Yup!  Very short lives!

S: Either that, or they're lucky and they manage to make a safe landing but... you don't want-

O: Do you really- do you really want to risk that?  No.

S: No, you don't want catastrophic decompression on a plane.

O: No you don’t.

S: I mean, who knows, maybe Air Force One is better... built?  Once they uh, basically, they end up taking the plane down, uh, in an emergency landing, because shots fired or whatever.  Then once they bring the plane down, Frenzy is able to sneak off the plane through the a- he goes down like, the doors that the wheels go out and then it's just funny.

O: It is.

S: Yeah, he goes over to Barricade after that.

O: Barricade’s a police car.  He will be more relevant later, but uh- you have any doubts that this little thing was Frenzy, you just need to see that little walk off the plane and you will know.

S: Cuz he- he's got like, his hand up to hide his face.

O: Yeah, like he’s- he’s like, trying to be nonchalant.  Like, after they thought he was trying to kill the president it is delightful.

S: Mm-hmm and Frenzy is smarter than the- the Secret Service on this plane because he had like, shurikens.

O: Yeah!  Once he's in Barricade he pulls up the eBay listings for Sam's Grandpa's glasses and says, “We must find LadiesMan217!”

S: Why did he pick that username?

O: I don't know, but I legitimately find it hilarious every time a Cybertronian has to shout it in this movie.  I know he said it in like, Cybertronian there, it is still great.

S: Oh Sam’s ego, but yeah, it is really funny anytime a robot shouts that.  At Sam's house, Bee apparently has got places to be. So he just, you know, turns on his own ignition and then drives off by himself.

O: This awakens Sam, who then goes chasing after his own car on his bike.

S: And call- he calls the police.  Sam calls the police to report that his car is being stolen.  Going so far as to remind them that his dad is the head of the neighborhood watch.

O: Well, if you needed a another reminder that Sam is a rich white boy, there you go.

S: [sighs] Yeah…

O: Sam finally catches up with Bee, who's standing some distance away beaming the bat signal- I mean the Autobot signal some kind of signal-er, some kind of signal into space.

S: Sam starts recording all of this on his shitty flip phone, and thinking that he's going to die the first words out of his mouth are, “Porn’s not mine, it's Miles’!”

O: Oh yes, that's the last image I'd want to leave my own mother with. Talking about your erections, lovely.

S: Considering one of the conversations that happens later…

O: It may be were relevant than I want to imagine, yeah.  Mm-hmm. Moving on!

S: Yeah.  Sam is then chased by some good doggos, who managed to get free of their uh, basically they weren’t very well contained.

O: Yep.

S: But the poor puppies are denied their midnight snack as Bumblebee bursts in and save[s] him and you don't really see the dogs go away.  They just start aren’t there anymore.

O: [laughs] And despite thinking his car’s alive, he shouts something that they, “Can keep the car!” and chunks his keys at Bee.

S: I don't even know what the building they're in even is, cuz he goes into a building and then suddenly it seems like they're not in a building anymore and it's... what's going on?

O: Yeah… Um, Sam's arrested when the cops show up for making a false 9-1-1 call because his car is obviously right there.

S: Yep, and it's not like there was any evidence of other people around.

O: There weren’t.

S: At the Pentagon with some assholes, including the Secretary of Defense and our- Maggie, our pretty lady analyst.  Maggie proceeds to sneak into a very high up meeting basically to say, “The system is alive!”

O: Which is completely insane in any other context, except this movie, where she is technically right, but it still sounds like a pretty insane context-

S: Yeah.

O: Er, sane- sounds like pretty insane an idea.

S: She kind of gets kicked out... of the meeting.

O: Yeah.

S: But she's right, and she will be vindicated later.  And, um, I hate the color balancing in this movie everything is so orange and blue.  It looks like everyone's skin tone is basically, you know, orange and like, they all have really bad spray tans?  Or at least all the white people do. None of the black people in this movie really have to deal with looking like an orange.

O: They may still have orange light on them, but it's not quite the same way.

S: Yeah, and now it's police time.

O: Where we've made Sam do a pee test, and then they hold up a bottle that says, “Mojo,” on it and they're interrogating him about it.  Mojo, as previously stated... is his dog and it is very likely that the bottle would say, “canine,” on it because that's how it worked when I had to pick up medication for my cat from the pharmacy. [Well, the cat’s was labelled ‘feline,’ but you know what we mean.]  So they're just being assholes.

S: And I mean, that looks like a legit prescription bottle.

O: Yeah.

S: So, I don't think most people keep their illegal drugs in legit prescription bottles.

O: [laughs] Fair, fair.

S: I mean, I have no personal experience but… [sighs]  And back to the Middle East with the soldier boys.

O: Scorponok attempts subtlety, only narrowly missing killing Lennox.

S: He does however succeed in killing the oblivious glasses guy, or maybe he doesn't kill him, maybe just badly injures him?  I don’t know.

O: I’m pretty sure he's dead because we don't see him for the rest of the movie.  If I'm wrong I apologize.

S: Okay, that's a good point.  The soldiers all book it and take shelter in and around these bombed out buildings.  Which is apparently the young boy's village. [sighs] They have brought hell down upon this small village and this will never be addressed.

O: The dad of the kid that's been helping them seems awfully nice, considering they have brought a giant mechanical scorpion to the front door.

S: Yup, that poor man does not deserve any of this shit.

O: Nope!

S: And here's one of the few legitimately funny scenes in this movie.

O: Lennox, has to call the Pentagon.  Which involves Lennox having to go back and forth with the most bored guy in a call center ever, but he also needs a credit card because it's a long-distance call.  A really long distance call.

S: He's able to get that credit card from Epps, one of the soldiers in his squad.

O: And this is all happening, while they're in the middle of a firefight.  So they're having to yell to be heard and stuff. Epps is also shooting at Scorponok, so Lennox has to grab the wallet off of Epps.

S: And so their conversation on how to navigate this is effectively a something like.  “It's in my back pocket!” “Which one!?!” “Left cheek! Left cheek! Left cheek!” All while firing at Scorponok.  And apparently he's like- eh, Lennox is like, “You have like fifteen pockets!”

O: [laughs]  Which I feel like is legitimately funny!  And I just kind of wish I just didn’t have to like, be concerned, is this racism- with the call center guy looking and sounding Indian and I don't know, because that seems like something Michael Bay would do.

S: Yeah… yeah.  Jets and other military things have apparently been quickly scrambled and show up.

O: Including a military drone, just like what Soundwave turns into in Prime, so I was chuckling.

S: Explosions happen, and miraculously they don't appear to hit any civilians, somehow.  And then there's more shooting and more explosions-

O: And I get very bored.

S: And they're able to shoot off a part of Scorponok's tail, while the rest of Scorponok conveniently gets away.

O: They definitely thought this is important.  The music swells, things are happening in slow motion… you should be paying attention to this.

S: Basically, uh, the military guys get rescued and presumably no one does anything to help repair the damage that…

O: They've done to this village.

S: Yeah, we never hear about the young child again.

O: Nope!

S: [sighs] And back in America, Maggie has stolen intel from the Pentagon and uh, shows up on her friend Glen's doorstep.  And she- she hides it in her makeup case.

O: Which is pretty clever.  Also, he's apparently a master hacker!

S: Yup.  He pulls out some bullshit program that basically auh, you know, pulls, “It's alive!” from the Decepticon audio data Maggie brought over.

O: Which is about the point the feds show up with the SWAT team and arrest them both.

S: Yeah.  Bee shows a back up at Sam's house presumably just to fuck with Sam which at this point really does seem like a Bee thing to do in this movie.

O: Yeah… Bee’s kind of a dick.

S: Sam escapes on his mom’s bike.

O: Why does his mom have a bike that looks like it belongs to a five-year-old!?!  I mean, like- look, I'm not saying don't do you, cuz do you, but- but- but… his mom confuses me.

S: Apparently, she's just a very girly girl who... has a basket that needs to have a pillow in it.  Maybe she takes Mojo for bike rides?

O: I would believe that.

S: I could see her doing that considering that she does put jewelry on him.  She makes him a handsome boy.

O: She does.

S: [sighs] Oh god, so now Sam is running away from his own car, like a crazy person and then uh, runs into Mikaela who's out apparently having lunch.

O: A day, yeah.

S: Well, lunch with her friends.

O: Yeah!

S: She has normal friends, and Sam proceeds to look like a crazy person.

O: He thinks his car is chasing him.  The fact that he's right doesn't really play into how this looks right now.

S: Cuz yeah, he's- he's riding a very pink bike that--

O: Saying his car is chasing him.

S: Yeah.  Bee was definitely driving on the sidewalk, and probably on people's lawns for parts of this.

O: It was funny  Mikaela hops on her scooter because clearly she's like, “I guess I go- I guess I better go help this dumbass.”

S: Mikaela was just a very nice, responsible person.  She's- she's kind.

O: Yeah, she’s not the- like yeah, you don't really see her being mean.

S: She-

O: Even to Sam, even when Sam is being kind of a jerk earlier she's never outright mean to him.  She's done, very done, but you never really see her being mean to him with- unless he kind of deserved it like later.

S: Mikaela is a very kind person and unfortunately she doesn't- her character just doesn't get the recognition that she deserves.

O: No, she doesn’t.

S: [sighs]

O: Barricade catches up with Sam.

S: The police slogan on the side of his police car says- or his police car alt mode says. “To punish and enslave”.

O; What about being undercover, dude?

S: Well, be honest most people don't really pay much attention.

O: [quietly] True.

S: He dicks with Sam for a bit before transforming into robot mode and yelling, “Are you LadiesMan217!?!”

O: Really quickly, and it's amazing.  Sam runs away and knocks Mikaela off her scooter.

S: Sam, you dumbass, you could have really fucking hurt her, you jack ass.

O: Pretty much. [singing] ~Here Bee comes to save the dayyyyyy!~

S: Sam proceeds to pull a, “Come with me if you want to live,” to Mikaela, which... At this point, considering that he has now uh, conflated her with himself to the Decepticons probably- is probably true, yeah.

O: Fair.  They have a high-speed chase, somewhere in Southern California.

S: Bee gets them somewhere relatively isolated before dumping the two of them out and transforming to fight with Barricade and... is this still the middle of the day?  I- no this is at night, it’s night now.

O: It keeps kind of swapping, it's weird.  And then Frenzy hop-

S: How long where they… ?

O: I don't know how long this was going on, because it was like- it looked like it was mid-afternoon and they don't get dumped out till night, like the sun has set, night.

S: Like, jeez.

O: I don't know, heh, but Frenzy hops out of Barricade and attacks Sam and Mikaela.

S: [sighs] Sam manages to lose his goddamn pants in this altercation.

O: Of course he does.  Mikaela, being the badass that she is, grabs a fucking power tool and attacks Frenzy with it.  Cutting him into pieces!

S: Mikaela kicks ass, and she would have been a far better protagonist.  My heart weeps that this wasn't actually the reality.

O: Eh, that's okay they kind of did it in the Bumblebee movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam shows his bravery by... bravely kicking Frenzy’s head away.

O: Frenzy, using a second set of legs coming from his head... walks over to Mikaela’s purse, because she dropped it earlier, and then disguises himself as her cellphone.

S: After stabbing her, you know, her real cellphone.  Presumably to get data from it or something?

O: I would assume?  Yeah.

S: Otherwise it's gonna be a very bad disguise.  She opens it and is like, “Where are all my god damn contacts?”

B: [laugh]

O: Yeah, fair.

S: And then there's some crack about Bee being Japanese, once Sam finally gets his actual introduction to his, you know, ‘not a car’.

O: This should be a tongue-in-cheek reference to the original toys being created by the Japanese company Takara, but given Bay’s track record, I really have to wonder.  I know I keep bringing that up, but like, parts of this movie feel very uncomfortable to watch-

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: -and certain racial stereotyping that he does not only in this movie, but even worse, honestly, in the sequels... just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

S: [quietly] Yeah. [normal volume]  They ride off in Bee, both Sam and Mikaela and not wanting to sit in the driver's seat because Bee is driving and... that wouldn't be polite somehow.

O: I'm not even going to comment on what I'm actually thinking.  Sam tries to pull off a slick move, telling Mikaela she should sit in his lap because there's only one other seat belt.

S: That's bad, if you're in an accident you're both gonna die.  Though, I mean, considering they’re both in a giant alien robot…

O: I mean their driver is a sentient alien robot, who's used to being a car, so hopefully that doesn't happen, right?

S: Mostly I'm just imagining that a giant alien robot car isn't going to have the same sort of, you know, safety tests-

O: Oh, safety precautions!?!  Ha! [laughs]

S: [trying not to laugh] Safety test results that an actual car-

O: [continues laughing]  That’s fair!

S: So who the hell knows how this would work!  Bee takes offense at being called a ‘piece-of-shit Camaro’.

O: Leading to him dumping them out, driving off without a driver, and then driving past a very conveniently placed newer yellow and black Camaro with the exact paint job he wants.  Because Michael Bay cares about very few things in this movie. Tits! And you, yes you! Driving a nice shiny car, because you are a man. A virale, sex having man!

B: [laugh]

O: Or at least that's what he's assuming!

S: Oh, and the way Bumblebee scans this car is kind of ridiculous cuz he’s- he’s up on two wheels driving like half on his side so he’s-

O:  Yeah, like on his side!  So he’s got to scan it with something like, on the bottom of his car mode???

S: Yeah, on his undercarriage and it's weird and silly.

O: And it’s just like, yeah, nobody saw this.  Sure!

S: Like, they're driving in a tunnel, there were definitely other people around, cuz people-

O: There definitely were!

S: Cuz people honked at them, people honked at them when Bumblebee dropped them off.  But yeah, let's go. Bee picks them up and they're like, “Oh wow, you could have done this anytime?” and then Bee precedes to take them trespassing so they can meet new people.

O: Where even are they?

S: I don’t know!  I don't think anyone knows.

O; Valid point.

S: Who knows, maybe they're in Oregon now.

O: [laughs] Yes!  They drove north. Very far north!

S: They could have if they were driving all day, I don’t know!  Either that or they were going around goddamn circles.

O: I'm willing to bet that actually.

S: And finally we're going to get more robots as um, meteorites rain down.  These robots being our Autobots.

O: Who will still not improve this movie enough to matter.

S: Which is so depressing.

O: It really is!

S: Mikaela and Sam hold hands because as uh, movie logic dictates- if you have a man and a woman who spend more than a few minutes uh, with one another they will be in love by the end of it.

O: Who cares!  The Autobots seriously fuck some shit up when they land on Earth!

S: Oh they do.  And not a single fuck was given, because they seriously have no idea what the fuck's going on.

O: A bunch of people are running around at several of the crash si- sites recording things too.

S: Um-hmm.  Recording stuff, and probably putting it on YouTube-

O: I would assume.

S: -or whatever in-universe equivalent of YouTube.

O: I think it's just YouTube, based on a sequel, but don't quote me on that.

S: Who knows, we even see Ratchet’s weird ambulance mode in the background of some of these shots.  So we can see where and when he scanned it.

O: Apparently, according to the TF Wiki, this is supposed to be a Hummer H2 rescue vehicle.  So not even technically an ambulance.

S: And then we see Jazz at a Cadillac dealership.

O: Isn’t he supposed to be a Porsche?

S: Yep.

O:  I mean, [sighs] why start being accurate with alts now, right?

S: Well, I'm going to assume that Cadillac paid for this product placement.

O: [laughs] Yeah…

S: Whereas, Porsche probably didn't give a shit.

O: And Porsche was already in there so they did pay money, but the Cadillacs probably paid more.

S: Probably, I don’t know. He's- yeah, he's not even a Cadillac.  Jazz is a Pontiac Solstice, so why are we even had a Cadillac dealership?

O: Money.  Ironhide however, is a huge fucking truck now.

S: A GMC Topkick.  He also apparently, uh- a little girl mistakes him for the tooth fairy.

O: It’s pretty cute actually. I gotta give them that.

S: Yep. Optimus lands on scams a conveniently placed semi.

O: [It] kills me that they copy the paint jobs.  I think I’d prefer if the paint jobs were something that were like, inherent to them, to their biology.  But no! There's another truck out there with blue paint and orange and red flames on the side, are you shitting me?

S: I mean…

O: Or on the front.

S: [snickers]  It's likelier than you think.  Does this mean that there is another cop car out there with, “Punish and enslave,” on the side, or it- was this some civilian’s idea of a cop cosplay?

O: [sighs] Well, we do see little details change like the Autobot signals [symbols] on Ratchet’s paint job.  So maybe that was a small enough detail to be changed. The only reason we even know the semi-truck’s paint job is because we saw a drive by.

S: Yeah. Uh, the Autobots show up in an alley where they meet up with uh, Bee, Sam, and Mikaela.

O: Optimus transforms, he's a Kenworth W900 truck in the live-action series.  Which looks somewhat different from his design from the cartoon which was based on a Freightliner WFT-8664T.

S: To make this more confusing they used an entirely different [truck] model while filming, but we're going with uh, Hasbro’s official answer here.

O: Namely, the Freightliner was a cab over truck and the Kenworth isn't.  It's a more traditional semi that you see stateside anyway.

S: He introduces the rest of the bots and their robot modes are also terrible.

O: Jazz apparently learned to speak from the Internets and knows the lingo.

S: Well, presumably they all did.  I think Jazz is the one who actually paid attention.

O: Yeah.

S: Ironhide, our weapons expert.

O: “I blow shit up!”

S: And [uneasy laugh] welcome to one of our least favorite lines ever and it's Ratchet’s introduction no less.

O: And I quote, “The boy’s pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.”

S: [quietly] Oh god.  Ugh...

O: I'd like to remind you all that Ratchet is uh, Specs’ favorite G1 character.  So this is particularly ughhh. [laughs] I’m so sorry.  Not like my faves really go- are handled any better to be fair, except maybe Soundwave.

S: We've also got to make it clear that he can't fix Bee.  So Ratchet zaps him with something or whatever.

O: They just need Powerglide to fix him, obviously!  With his magical ray of healing.

S: Yeah that'd probably do the trick.  Optimus puts on a laser light show to explain the plot to Sam.  And I mean, the laser light show was cool but... this seems like a really weird-

O: Weird place to do it?  But uh, he's Optimus Fucking Prime, he does what he wants.

S: This is all funnier to listen to once you realize just how young the Bayverse versions of Transformers are compared to their counterparts in any other continuity.  Optimus is like 10,000 years old, tops? Compared to the G1 versions, where everyone's like, millions of years old.

O: I would love to see G1 Megs’ reaction to us.  “You're how old!?! Sparklings! Why are sparklings in charge!?!”

S: Why are babies fighting?  Oh my god it's the baby war.

O: [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: Oh god, the fact that there are actually, at least, a few crossovers that's basically Transformers babies.  Where they basically took a concept of Muppet Babies and did it with Transformers.

O: Oh lord, oh lord. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

S: Cause it’s- yeah, Megatron is Meggy.

O: [sighs]

S: I read those-

O: No.

S: -way back-

O: No.  I refuse to believe those exists.

S: [starts laughing]

O: I live in a world where those don’t exist because I haven’t seen them yet, and I don’t have object permanence!

B: [laugh]

S: Unfortunately, I can introduce you to things that will make you regret this fandom.

O: You would!  YOU WOULD! [laughs]

S: I’ve in this fandom since like, 2002!

O: You’re like, “Bitch, I been in this fandom for decades!”

S: Well, definitely more than decade at this point.  It will be two decades of-um, in like three years.

O: [laughs]

S: Optimus continues to explain that Megatron basically destroyed Cybertron.

O: Oh sure, blame Megatron for this.  Nevermind what we learn about Sentinel Prime later.

S: And in any case it takes two to tango, so…

O: Uh-huh.

S: It may not have been good if they've just rolled over and let Megatron do whatever the hell he wanted but…

O I don't really trust this Optimus either, soooo, you know.

S: Yeah.  It’s a war, both sides are going to do... a lot of shit.

O: Yup.

S: We get a bit better look at Megatron's design in the flashback, as Optimus continues to explain.

O: Thanks!  I hate it.

S: Megatron here just looks like a bipedal bag of knives.

O: And that sounds like the world's worst cryptid!

S: Optimus tell Sam um, that he may be Earth's only hope.

O: Help me Whitwicky, you're my only hope!

S: What a depressing hope.

O: Definitely!  So now it's time for the plot glasses, which apparently were imprinted with the coordinates for the AllSpark when Sam's great granddad whatever found Megatron.

S: I don't understand the mechanism that did this.

O: I don't either, just roll with it.

S: [sighs]

O: The movie is.

S: [groans] You know, the Decepticons could have literally just bid on the fucking auction for the glasses.

O: And I refuse to believe that, that is not exactly what Soundwave would have done if he was here, because that is the perfectly reasonable plan.

S: Or you know, literally just sending Frenzy to infiltrate his house.  Anything would have been better than what actually happened.

O: Pretty much.  But eBay!

S: That would have- it would have been way funnier if Soundwave had done the, you know, bidding on eBay robot- the robot war is literally a bidding war.

O: Yeah, and less things would have blown up. Michael Bay would have died from lack of explosions, but I- I think that's the price I'm willing to pay.

S: [sighs] Maggie and Glen get brought to the uh, Pentagon... maybe?  They're in some sort of holding cell waiting for interrogation.

O: Yeah... I get- I- I think it's the Pentagon, I'm not actually sure.

S: And then Glen proceeds to eat all the doughnuts that were left in um, left there.  And they're delicious, delicious looking doughnuts.

O: [Homer Simpson intonenation] Emmm, doughnut.   And now driving through a quiet suburban neighborhood, late at night- all of the Autobots!

S:  [sighs] Sam tries to convince the Autobots to stay outside and stay quiet, while he goes inside and tries to find the glasses.  And he's actually um, reasonably polite and respectful about this, considering the situation.

O: Eh... but the Autobots are super impatient.

S: [sighs] And Sam’s dad continues to be an asshole.  Basically moaning about how he spent all his money on a car for Sam, and now Sam gets home late and he had to do all of Sam's chores.  Like the KIND person that he is.

O: So instead of you know, just doing something nice for your kid you're going to just- stand out here, at the screen door, having a dick-measuring contest with your teenage fucking son.  Granted it is pretty fucking hysterical that Optimus and the rest are sneaking around the yard while Sam is desperately trying to be like, “No dad, I got this, you don't need to come out here, it’s fine!”

S: [sharp intake of breath] God, if Sam's dad had actually gone outside.

O: [laughs]

S: How the hell would that have worked?  I mean if he'd had booze or something or he had-  he has like-

O: He just looks at the wine glass and walks back inside.

S: [sharp intake of breath] “I've had too much to drink, I'm going to bed.”

O: [laughs]

S: Cuz all of the Autobot stuff is in the background.

O: Of course, they're stepping on things, knocking things over, the whole works.

S: Why didn't they just stay in car mode?

O: It’s a valid question.  I really don't think Optimus would be this much of an idiot and it makes the Autobots all look like assholes who aren't listening to the person who's trying to help them, and what he's asking them to do.

S: And then to make it worse, Ironhide pulls out his gun and aims it at Sam's dog.

O: Which is what, the equivalent are pulling at a freaking pistol cuz a bug landed on you?  What the hell, man!?!

S: Though Ironhide saying, “Bad mojo!” after Sam prompts him is pretty funny.  And the reason why he pulls out the uh, the big guns is because Sam's dog... pees on him.

O: Yep!  But seriously, this is the dumbest plan guys.

S: Yeah, the Autobots have been waiting all this time and apparently they can't sit still for five minutes, because they're all like, giant toddlers.

O:  [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: [sighs] Transformers babies.  I- I am seriously debating finding that and throwing it at you.

O: You're just- you just want to hurt me.

S: I showed you good stuff!

O: Anyway, Optimus lifts Mikaela up into Sam's room and they both began rummaging around his room to find the glasses.

S: Sam shoos Mikaela away from a certain area in his room and um-

O: That's his porn, that's his porn stash.

S: [sighs] So I guess that's what he was referring to earlier.

O: Probably.

S: And now all of the Autobots are in car mode, in the backyard.  Except they've already done a shitload of damage.

O: Um-hm.

S: Except apparently Ratchet... isn't in car mode.  Cuz he uh-

O: Or he transforms from car mode?

S: Yeah cuz he, uh... he walks into a transformer, a power transformer.

O: Ugh, I'm just not fond of the VA they picked for him here.  I know Prime wasn't out yet, but that guy, we need that guy [Jeffrey Combs] here.  I love [that] Ratchet’s voice.

S: So when Ratchet walked into the power transformer, he knocked out the power.  He fell down I was like, “Oh! That was a kick, that was fun.”

O: [laughs]

Because apparently getting shocked for Transformers feels all tingly and fun.

O: [laughs] I mean…

S: Uh, and so- so at this point, the power is out, Sam's parents think that there's an earthquake cuz Ratchet fell down and made you know, shit happen and then they duck under- well, Sam's dad ducks under a table.  His mom is just like, “How did you get over there so fast?”

O: [laughs] I do enjoy that they're like, “Bring the wine!”  Cuz if they're gonna die, they're gonna die happy.

S: They’re all a little slooshed up at this point.

O: They- they are. [laughs]

S: And then Sam's parents uh, head upstairs to check on Sam and bang on his door.

O: And we present to you, the most awkward conversation ever captured in cinema!

S: Sam's parents are like, “Hey, uh, why was your door locked?  There aren’t- no doors are locked in this house,” and uh, decide to assume uh, masturbation was what was going on.

O: I did not need. [Clears throat] I did not need, or want to hear his mom call it, ”Sam’s special alone time”!  Just no. All the no. NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!

S: Ironhide asks Optimus if you can shoot them.

O: PLEASE!!!  [dissolves into laughter]  Optimus is like, “No, what's wrong with you!?!”

S: Yeah, and then all of the Autobots are trying to avoid being seen.  So, it's like they're attempting to do a Jenga with the house and they're all scrunched up- around and under Sam's window listening in and it's actually a pretty neat shot.

O: It's pretty funny.  Mercifully, Mikaela saves us from this insanity by stepping out and introducing herself.  So yeah, I think they're just gonna assume they were doing the horizontal mambo, if you know what I mean!

S: His parents apologize that she may have heard their ‘family discussion’.

O: Oh, is that what you're calling talking about your son’s WANKING OFF HABITS!?!

S: [sighs] Your son’s sex life, or lack thereof.

O: Why did you do this to me movie!?!

S: And this is where the federal agents come in.

O: OH THANK GOD!  And we have our main asshole FBI guy- oh sorry, I mean Sector Seven guy, Agent Simmons, JOY.

S: Sam's parents take issue with all of this.  Particularly his mom, who's mad that they're messing up their plants. Oh, and at some point, the father looked outside and was like, “Ah!  The earthquake destroyed all my shit!”

O: [laughs] Cuz he thinks the earthquake did it.

S: And at this point I think Sam's mom's gonna be really unhappy when she realizes just how much damage the Autobots did…

O: Yeah, Optimus stepped on her flowerbed.

S: Yeah.  And then the Sector Seven people want to take Sam away.

O: Personally, I think they can just, you know, have him!  Can we follow Mikaela for the rest of the movie instead, please?

S: Unfortunately, Mikaela gets brought along too.

O: Sam, his parents, and Mikaela are shoved into some cars by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh, and the reason that the uh, the Sector Seven people know to take Sam is that they have some sort of uh, thing that reads radiation and Simmons-

O: And he dropped his cell phone, or the cops still had it, so they [Sector Seven] now have his cell phone.

S: That's true.

O: And his recording of Bee, and him talking.

S: Yeah.

O: And him saying his car is alive.

S: Yeah, but they also have a thing that like, reads the radiation.  So Sam and Mikaela unfortunately, are now probably irradiated... somehow.  Which may or may not give them a very good life expectancy. And oh, Sam's terrible eBay user name gets mentioned again.

O: And you totally see Mikaela roll her eyes at it too.

S: Oh yeah, and they apparently have Sam's phone as you mentioned.  Which is how they tracked him down, and when asked about his ‘stolen’ car Sam says, “It came back.”

O: Right!  Doesn’t your car come back when it's stolen, Specs?

S: No, it's not a boomerang.  Though I suppose if a thief stole it [and] they decided it was super shitty they’d return it because-

O: I feel like they wouldn't even return it.

S: Or it just turns up again, like a block away.

O: I would be more willing to believe that.

S: I think I've seen stuff about that happening, but I don’t know.  Agent Simmons decides to lord his authority over them by uh, showing his badge and declaring it a, “I can do whatever I want and get away with it,” badge.

O: More like an asshole badge!

S: He also starts uh, to threaten Mikaela's dad.

O: Because as previously stated, he is a fucking asshole.  It's not even like Mikaela's got much to do with any of this to begin with.

S: People with power are just assholes-

O: Pretty much.

S: -a lot of the time.  And of course, it's um, prime time to bring up Mikaela's criminal record, because fuck you Simmons.

O: And Sam has the nerve to be horrified when finding out about this.

S: Sam you jackass.  You privileged, rich, white boy.

O: Yup.

S: And then the car is picked up and the- the uh, roof is ripped off by Optimus, once they’re in a suitably isolated area.

O: Optimus then kneels down, has an entire conversation with agent Simmons and Co.

S: He gets mad and tells them to get out of the car.

O: What’s left of it you mean?

S: I mean, it probably runs, maybe?

O: [laughs] He took off- like, the entire top half of it off!

S: Yes, but that- that's a not the part that keeps it from running.

O: And dropped it quite a ways.

S: Yeah... that's true, I don't know.  Mikaela finally tells Sam off for shitty comments about her criminal record earlier by asking him, “When have you ever had to give up anything in your perfect little life?”  Mikaela has a criminal record because she wouldn't rat out her dad.

O: Yeah, which- and depending on how old she is this should not have really even been legal to begin with.

S: Yeah.

O: Like, this like, I’m- I'm assuming this happened sometime between when she was 8 and 12 and it means that somebody chose to basically to prosecute her at a higher age bracket.  [My logic for this is that there’s a comment about him not always having been able to afford a babysitter for her so I assume she wouldn’t have been old enough to stay home by herself, but take that with a grain of salt.  ~O]

S: Yeah.

O: Which is shitty.  But, that statement, that line, is the most accurate description of Sam.  Here is a person who comes from privilege, he stumbles upon events that bestow him even more privilege and he acts entitled- so, so very entitled, during it all.

S: Yup, and then we get the part where Bumblebee pees on Agent Simmons.

O: [sighs]

S: [sighs]  It’s just like, whyyyyy?

O: Does this mean he's low on those fluids now?  Is Ratchet gonna have to top him off later? And why is that there?  I mean why does it exist at all sure, but specifically, why is it where a dick would be on a person!?!

S: Yeah, why is it framed like that?  From the perspective of the person being peed on?

O: [sighs] I don't know, but now that his friends are here Sam is going to be as douchey as possible because he orders Simmons to remove his pants.

S: And according to his under clothes or at least his undershirt, Sector Seven sells or has branded clothing items available for their agents.

O: The Autobots leave but, oh no!  They [the agents] were on the phone the whole time.

S: [sighs] Meaning, backup arrives shortly thereafter and the Autobots proceed to hide under a bridge.  Optimus carrying Mikaela and Sam in his arms.

O: Just putting this out there, but I too would like to be carried in Optimus’ big, strong arms.

S: Carried in his gentle, strong hands.  Though I mean, preferably G1 Optimus, or one of the other Optimuses.

O: Yeah, yeah, just not this Optimus.  I want the Optimus from Prime, he seems like a very calm, kind guy to give me a ride on her shoulders, that sounds nice.

S: I'll take G1 Optimus, he's a- he's very dad shaped.

O: He is the most dad shaped.

S: I'd also accept Animated Optimus.

O: Yeah... yeah, he seems nice.

S: Maybe Cyberverse, well I don't know.

O: He seems like, unsure dad shaped, and I can deal with that.

S: Yeah, and I'll leave out all the other Optimi.  Though maybe Optimus Primal might be good for a hug.

O: He would be great for a hug.  Unfortunately, they're not that much bigger than people so it would not be the same kind of ride in his big, strong arms.

S: [laughs] He’s more-

O: It still sounds nice but-

S: -more of a piggyback ride.

O: Yeah.

S: And to get away from our uh, hugging and carrying uh, discourse- there's just so many explosions happening right now.

O: Sure, don't worry about those roads or infrastructure, this is fine.

S: Oh no, Sam and Mikaela almost fell, but don't worry Optimus has slowed their descent with [laughs] his nice soft foot.

O: I guess that this is the one thing they kept from G1, huh?

S: Yeah.

O: [laugh]

S: And apparently Cybertronians are weak to ice and electricity now.  Except... didn't Ratchet think that the power-

O: Think that the electricity was nice?  I don't know, but Bumblebee gets the crap beaten out of him by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh my god, maybe Ratchet’s… [starts laughing]

O: Nope, nope, I think I know what went through your head and we’re not going there.  It was disturbing when Bee got hurt, okay!?!

S: [continued laughter with increasing volume]

O: [laughs] I mean I’m sure Drift would be into it, but that’s not the point!

S: [sustained laughter continues]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image with Starscream and Megatron getting caught up in an explosion, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: [high pitched laughter continues]

[The laughter is cut off, and the same technical difficulties message and elevator music from before returns.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: I am under control again. [laughs]

O: ANYWAY, Bumblebee gets the crap beat out of him by the Sector Seven guys, it's more than a little disturbing.

S: Keep in mind that before this we really only had uh, G1 and Beast Wars as like, the main well-known Transformers things.  I mean maybe Beast Machines?

O: Eh, Beast Wars, Beast Machines, I end to count them together, since they're in the same continuity even though they're different series, but- but I know what you mean, sorry.

S: Yeah, it's just those ones would have been the ones that most people- that would have stuck out in like, the main- I don’t know, cultural hive mind, probably.  Cuz I don't think like, any of the animes would have made that much of a dent.

O: Yeah.

S: So uh, hopefully you enjoy watching your fav get tortured by the US government.

O: And the way this is framed, because Bee doesn't have a working voice box, really comes across that they're like, taking something from Sam.  Not that Sam is worried about his friend! Bee is just treated like property, by both the plot and the framing. And this is in such a stark contrast to the Bumblebee movie.  Where even though he couldn't talk, even though he was a CG character, he still felt like an actual character.

S: Yeah, in the Bumblebee movie, Bumblebee actually had an emotional arc.  When Charlie first sees him, she treats him like a person that needs care and kindness.  He- he still couldn't talk- like, he was immediately showing recognizable and understandable emotions.

O: And body language.

S: Mm-hmm, and then there's Bumblebee in this one where he can't talk, but he's just an asshole and he's gonna pee on things.

O: And you're my new best friend, and I'm gonna keep you safe, you know- just like a fucking guard dog.

S: [sighs]

O: Bee, story wise in relation to Sam, is treated more like a pet, and it is weird.

S: Yeah.  Simmons catches up with the two of them and Bee, continuing to be an asshole and taking another pot shot at Mikaela as they're being taken away.

O: And they're just going to ignore the other Autobots in the distance apparently.

S: Yep, they're still hiding under the bridge.  They're all tucked away under that bridge, which is apparently uh, enough to keep them from being spotted by helicopters.  Oh, and apparently the um- while the Autobots couldn't be bothered about the flower beds before, Optimus can see and gently pick up the plot glasses that Sam uh, well basically Sam lost them when they fell and Optimus caught them with his soft foot.

O: Yes.  And then army talk, army talk, army talk, boy let me tell ya... just how much I do not care.

S: And then the Secretary of Defense was apparently unaware of Sector Seven’s existence until now because he didn't need to know about them.

O: You know, copying Independence Day only with him instead of the president.

S: [sighs] Sector Seven is a special access division of the government created by President Hoover.  Hm...

O: And at Nellis Air Force Base, Lennox and his team are intercepted before they can head home.  Basically they're voluntold they're gonna help with this alien robot crisis.

S: Yup.  And the Secretary of Defense's meeting with the Sector Seven guys and intends to bring Maggie with them.

O: This whole scene feels very much like, “Yes, and…”  The Secretary of Defense wants Maggie to be his adviser, but when Glen asks if he is coming too and the Secretary of Defense asks, “Who is this?” Maggie just responds “He's my advisor,” and he [the Secretary of Defense] just goes with it, brings Glen along too.

S: Glen's getting the ride of a lifetime.

O: Yup!

S: I guess.

O: And finally, we get some of our separate plot threads to come together as Sam, Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and the Secretary of Defense are now loaded up in the same helicopter and head to the Hoover Dam.

S: Weren't Maggie and the Secretary of Defense and Glen in goddamn Washington DC?

O: Yes.  Yeah.

S: Kill me now.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Poor Mikaela, she just looks so tired and done with everything.

O: You just know she hasn't slept all night.

S: Honestly they probably got shoved in a holding cell, so no.

O: Yeah, and then shoved on a helicopter.

S: Yeah, here's some more Bumblebee tortured before cutting back to the Autobots talking about how they must go on and they can sense that the AllSpark is near.

O: With what?  Your bullshit radar!?!

S: Maybe they can sense it with their pheromone detectors.

O: Ratchet, what can your robot eye-

S: [laughs]

O: Ratchet what can your robot nose smell?  Frenzy is tiny, and up to shenanigans.

S: It's time to break into the Hoover Dam!

O: So just getting back to this, because the movie really, really wants to bring this home, Sam can't possibly go out with someone with a juvie record.  He wouldn't you know, want a date below his class, or marry below his class, or god forbid fuck below his class, right?

S: Sam you asshole.

O: Yup!

S: And boom, we have a Megatron.

O: Thanks, I hate it.

S: Still frozen, and presumably unconscious and offline.

O: Sector Seven’s been keeping him on ice for a while apparently.

S: Yeah, and apparently a good chunk of modern technological advancements since the thirties has been due to humans studying Megatron.  Oh god, now I'm just thinking about mechanical television. Did mechanical television come from Megatron?

O: Sure.  Sure. Why not, why not?  “Yes, and.”

S: Simmons continues to antagonize the group.  Who...who isn't a jackass in this group?

O: [sighs] Like, look, I don't like Sam but maybe Simmons, as the fucking adult needs to get his dick out of his hands and stop getting into Sam's personal space.  It's creepy!

S: Honestly, a lot of the adult men in this movie are just creepy.

O: Yeah.

S: I mean, Lennox and Epps and the soldiers-

O: Aren’t-

S: - don’t seem to be creepy but...

O: Yeah.

S: Most of them, most of them-

O: Yeah, like his dad is shitty like... well- I guess Glen and the Secretary of Defense aren't bad?

S: Yeah, but they don't get a whole lot of screen time and also one of them's over 60.

O: That’s also true.  Anyway, it is explained that the AllSpark was hidden and that they built the Hoover Dam around it.

S: How did the Native Americans in the area not know about it?

O: Maybe it was underwater?  If it was visible they absolutely would have but I wouldn't put it past the Army or Sector Seven, or whoever, to conveniently ignore that fact.

S: But, um, would have been a river before the dam was put in and-

O: Obviously, Specs, you’re forgetting how deep rivers are.

S: The fact that you actually spent time looking to attempt to look this up-

O: I tried, and I could not find a straight answer! [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not exactly like they were going around do river measuring in that time period is it?

O: No... I’m still sad I couldn't find a straight answer though.

S: And I mean, who knows, maybe they accidentally made it a huge afterward.

O: I- I do think that would legitimately be funny, is like, some scientist poked it the wrong way and now it's like, “Oops, it just takes up the entire hanger now, sorry guys.”

S: [laughs] It’s like, “Oh shit.  Oh shit, I'm glad it didn't crush me.”

O: Yeah.

S: [sigh] The AllSpark just has random powers.

O: Frenzy now has a body again.

S: Yeah, Frenzy, uh- Frenzy was taken along this entire time in Mikaela's bag, I think?

O: Yeah, pretty much.  Like, he got out of her bag and sort of crawled into Hoover- the Hoover Dam.

S: Yeah, and he's able to signal the rest of the Decepticons with the Megatron's location and then we get to see them finally begin to mobilize.

O: And now, an hour and 40 minutes into this movie, we have a Starscream.  There is no power on heaven or Earth that can make me believe that that is his holoform.  Mark my words, I don't care if IDW never gave him the holoform, but his holoform form would be female, and no one can stop me.

S: [sighs] And then more on the AllSpark’s plethora of abilities, apparently they can use it to turn random electronics into Transformers.  Which... the Autobots would probably consider kind of horrifying, because these are babies and now the babies are dead.

O: Yep.

S: Simmons proceeds to demo this for us by taking Glen's cell phone and zapping it's to life.

O: I will forever be confused for this, why does it seem like the AllSpark always makes stuff that's evil?

S: I mean it's a baby.

O: I know, but it has red optics, I feel like we have to assume it's a Decepticon.

S: Maybe the Decepticons are the last people who had it if they'd programmed it for red optics-

O: [laughs] So you’re telling me it’s stuck on the make evil setting?  Got it.

S: It’s possible!  I don't know how this works, and it’s not like we're gonna get a demonstration of it later, considering what happens.

O: Yeah, yeah…

S: And Simmons proceeds to kill this little phone Transformer by basically electrocuting the shit out of it.

O: We create life, then we kill it, but we're the good guys remember!  And now, finally, Dorito-scream has been achieved!

S: It's just so triangular.

O: I don't know why Starscream looks like a giant flying Dorito in this-

S: It might-

O: -but I find it hilarious.

S: It might be his color scheme… partially.

O: He doesn’t really have a color scheme.

S: Yes, but-

O: It’s just he’s so triangular!

S: Yes, but he's also kind of beige.

O: Eh, you’re right, that doesn’t really help things.  Uh, Frenzy manages to take out the power for Sector Seven’s facilities.

S: How does a dam lose power considering in generates power?

O: I don’t know, Specs.

S: Sorry, I mean, I guess it's possible that he could, like basically prevent water from going through the dam by freezing something, but…

O: I think he actually just started destroying the mechanical stuff, so like the generators and stuff.  It's now time to defrost our Decepticon warlord on high.

S: Frenzy is getting busy in the control room again- again blowing all of the shit up, and then all of the scientists in the main bay when Megatron is being held seem like, super unfazed by the deep thaw that's starting.

O: You guys need to run.  I have zero doubts that Megatron won't kill you out of sheer spite.

S: Yup.  Did you know that there was a whole armoury of bullshit under the Hoover Dam?  Because of all- the soldiers are like, “Pass the guns! Give me that buffet of guns and ammo!”

O: And Lennox is kind of done with Simmons, because uh, yeah uh, violence is uh, implied. I'm so glad that this movie is all violence, no character development, or emotions, or feelings  We don't have feeling Specs, because we are sex having heterosexual men! Hetero men who have sex with women, never mind that G1 is one of the least straight things I've ever seen in my life!

S: To be fair to the soldiers they did not sign up for this bullshit, and then they got dragged into and all they wanted to do was go home.

O: And-and look, I would be pretty upset about being shoved into the same room as Agent Simmons.  So yeah, I can't blame them too much.

S: Yeah.

O: They go to retrieve Bumblebee.

S: And Sam's like, “Stop electrocuting my car!”  Not even, “Stop electrocuting that guy.” “Stop electrocuting my car.”

O: Of course!  And Bumblebee just gives a him a look like, “Dude, I have had the shittiest day.”

S: Yup, and poor dude is like, super jumpy and paranoid but I mean who wouldn't- who wouldn't be?

O: I- yeah, I mean considering he was tortured all night- he's got ever right!  I still legitimately don't know what catching Bee accomplished!

S: I don't think it accomplished shit except getting him to this location, which I guess was the plot contrivance.  And now we've got the magical size changing cube.  As Bumblebee touches the AllSpark and like, pokes it a bit and then suddenly it is like hand-sized, for him.

O: Even their spark of life can mass shift apparently.

S: Oh god. [snickers] It's from a planet of shapeshifters.  Apparently mass shifting is just what this stupid thing does.

O: Apparently.

S: Everybody can just understand Bee now, this is fine.  And, oh, Bee’s been talking in like, radio and music references this entire time, and I don't think we ever mentioned that.

O: [laughs] You're right I don't think we did.  He isn't talking normally, he's using recordings.

S: He talks TV, basically.

O: Pretty much. Well, asshole’s up!  “This is not where I fell asleep, I'll have you know!”

S: He’s a lot less uh, he's a lot less of a morning person than Skyfire was.

O: [laughs]

S: Skyfire was much more genteel about the entire thing.

O: [laughs]

S: Megatron's a jet in this, so we’re- you know just so we're all on the same page here.  He meets up with his second-in-command Dorito-san.

O: [laughing] Dorito-san!?!

S: [laughing] Sorry... He meets up with his second-in-command, you know, the Dorito.

B: [laugh]

O: There's some groveling that happens.  Megatron tells Starscream he's disappointed in him and all I can think is- he didn't even do anything yet!

S: Apparently he couldn't find Megatron, which I guess is what he's disappointed in.

O: I guess?  “Do you realize I had to listen to... Francois talk about his- his terrible wife for three weeks, do you realize that [Starscream]!?!”

S: Simmons, the Secretary of Defense, Maggie, and Glen uh, remain behind when everyone else heads out to go to... stuff.  So while everyone else is going and doing stuff the- [sighs] the dam crew, that's what I'm going to call them.

O: [laughs] Okay, okay, I’m here for this.

S: They attempt to contact the Air Force, to try and get some you know, backup for Bee and company.

O: They do this by using some very antiquated equipment, because the Cons have knocked out most communication worldwide.

S: Which is not explored in this movie, let alone any others.

O: Yeah, because this would be like a thing that should affect everybody.

S: Yes, there goes-

O: Or at least everybody in the in the US.

S: Yeah, frankly I'm kind of- well, no, apparently landlines don't work and I don't understand why.

O: I don't either.

S: But yeah, cuz this- this would have wiped out... literally every communication except apparently shortwave radio.  But apparently, yeah, shortwave radio will still work. Which is what they're attempting to use here. They get the brilliant idea to hotwire a computer to transmit a tone through a radio signal, while they're trying to hold off Frenzy who is trying to get into the room that they're- that they’ve holed themselves up in.  Which... it's a weird, weird room.

O: It is, but now back to how sexy the cars are!  Look at the car, so sexy!

S: Why is everything so orange?  I will bemoan the orange!

O: We can’t have no girly colors in here conveying emotions, Specs!  Look at the cars!

S: [sighs] And the Autobots immediately join up with Bee, it's convoy time!

O: [attempts to sing] We're gonna roll this truckin convoy- oh god that’s the right tune.  I even looked it up!

S: Oh!  I've got it on my phone.

[The audio cuts and “Convoy,” by C. W. McCall plays]

B: [singing] “We have a little ol’ convoy, burning through the night!  Yeah, we got a little convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy!  Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way. We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'cross the U-S-A. Convoy!”

[The audio cuts as a record scratch noise plays]

O: That’s enough of a music break!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Maggie and company began to arm themselves with some of the older guns um, from the display cases in the room they're stuck in.

O: Oh yeah, I'm sure those will shoot just fine!

S: Where did they even find the ammo or…?

O: Yeah!  Because why would the ammo be stored with most of the stuff that's on display?

S: I mean that thing- I mean like, having the ammo for interest but yeah, why would they have ammo or even gun powder in this room?  [quietly] I don’t know. [normal volume] And then it's back to Bee again.

O: Wow, I just don't care!  Even the G1 episodes, where they were constantly swapping back and forth between a bunch of different scenes, are better than this.

S: Those typically have more things happening in them.

O: Surprisingly, yes.  I'd much rather watch Megatron throw shit at Starscream.

S: Honestly, that's more cohesive.

O: And that is saying something.

S: Okay, so one of the Decepticons, Bonecrusher, catches up with the Bots and Optimus transforms into a robot mode to protect the others.

O: He just seems like such an asshole here, they're literally fighting on a highway.  There are so many people that must die here!

S: Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of amused by how it looks like their roller-skating but that doesn't exactly take away from the- oh, there's a terrifying robot deathmatch and so many people are dying.

O: Yeah and but- but thanks Bay!  I'm so glad that this one kid and his mom survived.  Thanks for that.

S: God, so many people probably need therapy in this universe.

O: I would think so.

S: Frenzy is now in the vents.

O: Good boy, you go get ‘em!  Even if the B team is definitely the better… group.

S: He comes out and falls so straight onto a glass case, uh-

O: That's my boy!

B: [laugh]

S: Like, he's using shuriken things, like he was using a shuriken things before, but now he's been like boomerang- boomeranging shit around and he accidentally beheads himself with his boomerang shuricane- shuriken thingy.

O: That's my boy! [laughs] So interestingly (to me anyway), it seems like this- the movie series uh, kind of made the whole- the whole integrated weapon thing for the Transformers more common.  I know you saw it a bit in G1, but it seemed kind of inconsistent in either how it worked or what weapons they had. Ironhide, just Ironhide, right?

S: Mm-hm.

O: Um, but- but this made it more consistent, like especially in Prime you- you saw that consistency and thought applied to the weapons and how that- they access them throughout the entire series, which was really nice.

S: It was also pretty consistent with Animated, which I think came out around the same time as this movie though I don't remember if it was prior to the movie being released or afterward.  

[TFA was released in December of 2007, whereas the first Transformers live action film had been released in July 2007. ~O]

O: Well, and I mean, either, or- either the movie borrowed from it, or it borrowed from the movie with Megatron kind of being that thing that advanced tech for-

S: Yeah.

O: -for humanity, which was just kind of weird, but yeah.

S: Or they both borrowed it from the comics, and then just made it consistent because they do have pretty integrated weaponry in the original Marvel comics.

O: That- that's true I-I meant- I thought you meant the uh, Megatron being- being why we had any technological advancement-

S: Oh-

O: -and I was really confused for a good minute.

S: No, no, no, no, sorry, just the-the integrated weaponry.

O: Fair.

S: Though [laughs] Animated did that Megatron’s the reason that they have-

O: Yeah!  That- that like, New Detroit or Detroit has like all this like, amazing tech.

S: Our convoy enters Mission City, and prepares to hold off the Decepticons to prevent them from getting the AllSpark.

O: Why did they bring this into a city?

S: I don't know, no one explains their shitty decisions here.

O: It gets weirder because apparently, when they were writing or making the movie there- they originally have thought to have the climax in the Grand Canyon.  Which seems like that would make a lot more sense? Like, sure, there's less coverage per se, but way less civilian life in danger!

S: It would have also involved like, immense environmental destruction but that’s not something they would have been concerned about.

O: I just don’t see- I don't see how that would have been more work then the city.

S: They may have had issues actually getting- well no, they could have done it all in green screen but…

O: Anyway, we've contacted the Air Force, so the dam team has succeeded.

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, Lennox and his dudes communicate what they need.

S: Oh honey, that's not the Air Force.  That's really not the Air Force.

O: But only Ironhide seems to realize it's actually Starscream that's approaching.

S: Bee uses a random... well, it's got a Furby on it, so it's the Furby delivery truck as cover.

O: Starscream shoots said truck and send everyone flying.  Everyone else is covered in dirt and grime here- and I mean technically so is Mikaela, but she has an almost angelic glow about her when she wakes up in a pile of rubble looking at Sam.  Sam also has an angelic glow because remember, he gonna hit that.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Uh-huh, Bumblebee has lost his legs in the last attack.

O: And Bumblebee is basically half a bot, let's keep that in our back pocket for later shall we?

S: Yeah.  Mikaela being the badass lady that she is like, “ We're gonna move Bee!  We're going to get this done!” And proceeds to break into and hotwire a tow truck to do just that.

O: Go Mikaela. Bee gives the AllSpark to Sam and conveys to him that he should go on without him basically.

S: And then another Decepticon um, Demolisher, shows up and uh, Ironhide, Ratchet and Jazz engage him.  And I think Demolisher’s a tank?

O: Yeah… and I think that one [the tank] was Demolisher?  I think this is something that really frustrates me about Sam though,  so much what happening- what is happening around him seems rooted in the sense of self sacrifice, but yet he doesn't ever have to sacrifice anything?

S: Like, the only things that he might theoretically have to sacrifice could be his life.  And he never does that, he's never even like, even remotely close to doing something like that except by accident.

O: Exactly.

S: By like, falling off a building.

O: Yeah, like it's never, “I'm going to-,” it never feels like, “I am going to choose to do this thing.”

S: Yeah, and then random boob and ass shot from some random lady who's in danger.

O: And I'm not judging her for what she's wearing, but you just know she got put in that outfit and put into that shot for one reason which was titillation and I'm like, did you have to?  In a movie about giant robots, did you have to?

S: It's only theoretically about giant robots, you know it's about Sam-

O: [sighs] Yeah...

S: and his boner.

O: [quietly] Boner of fate.

S: [high pitched laughter]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of one of the Conehead Seekers in a t-rex’s jaws, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: Megatron lands, and you know, shouts his own name.

O: Why are you- why did he do that!?!  Is he a Pokemon now? “Megatron! MEGATRON!” [laughs]

S: He’s got to announce his presence.

O: [still laughing] Obviously!

S: Poor Jazz attacks Megatron, and Megatron grabs him before flying off and landing on top of a building.

O: And then he rips Jazz in two.

S: Poor Jazz will not survive this.

O: Remember what I said earlier?

S: About Bee?

O: Yeah. [sighs] You- you brought up a good point prior, technically Bee only lost his legs from the knee down, but I'm just gonna say, they are giant fucking robots and I still don't feel like Jazz should have died here.  Also, according to the TF Wiki there was some point during development when Megatron was going to literally, not figuratively, literally, eat other bots’ sparks, so if that had been what had happened- Jazz being dead would have made a lot more sense!

S: How in a movie about alien freaking robots does Bay manage to kill the metaphorical black guy first?  Why?

O: I don't know why he killed anyone here!  We've barely gotten to see the robots at all!

S: Apparently, we have to make uh, make there be some sort of... I don't know, people are dying, this stuff is really real.  Except... no, they use the guy who's- basically Jazz's speech patterns are close- are I don't know, AAVE? American… African-American Vernacular, I think?

O: Eh, it’s- he's coded African American because of his speech patterns-

S: Yeah.

O: -is probably, how I would know-

S: The way, yes-

O: -the best way to say it?  And I'm just super sorry if that's not accurate.

S: Yeah, we- we apologize if this is inaccurate and offends anyone.  It isn't our intention.

O: Yeah.  But- but yeah, like effectively, [sighs] he, ugh, it’s just literally he- he killed the black guy.  I know he's not literally a black guy, but- but that is how he has been characterized.

S: That's just... that's how it feels.

O: Yeah.

S: And back to Dumbass McGee.  Sam is tasked with taking the AllSpark to the top of this building, so that they can hand it off to the Air Force.

O: Did they miss the whole Megatron and Starscream have jet alts bit?

S: I'm gonna go with, yes.

O: Apparently, okay.  Just checking.

S: Everyone is a very, very disrespectful, like they're fucking disrespectful as fuck to Mikaela and no one gives Sam shit but Mikaela trying to get Bee out of the way invites comments.

O: Golly, I wonder why!

S: And Optimus finally arrives.

O: What took him so long!?!

S: He got lost!  He fell off a highway and wasn't sure which way everyone else went, and also, with all the you know, internet and Wi-Fi and everything knocked out, he didn't have any GPS.

O: [laughs] That is the best excuse- that’s the best explanation I've heard. Headcannon accepted!

S: It’s not like he's driven around there before, and I don't think he has Ratchet’s nose. [laughs]

O: No, no, no, nope, uh-hm-

S: [continues laughing]

O: - nope that’s it, I’m leaving!

S: [continues laughing]

O: I’m done, I’me done! [unintelligible] -of Ratchet’s nose!

S: [continues laughing]

[A door slams]

S: [continues laughing]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of Soundwave being thrown into a rocket, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: And then Megatron shows up, transforming into robot mode.

O: So I don’t hate his alt exactly, but I just can't help but think Prime did this better.  Of course his voice was better too, but what do I know!?! Sorry, is my salt showing? Seriously though, I find it funny that both damn times that go to make a Transformers movie, they- they get Cullen to do Optimus, but they don't get Welker to Megatron.  Only to have Welker either return to do the character in the TV show or later in the movie series. Although it's kind of funny cuz they took him out in the movie and had somebody else play Galvatron and it's the exact opposite in the live-action, where once Galvatron shows up Welker is doing him.  The irony.

S: That is funny.  And then Megatron and Optimus fight.

O: Finally!  We get some of that homoerotic fighting this series is so known for!  He's sitting on Optimus punching him, yep.

S: Except a lot of this is done in a shaky cam so..

O: Yeah, so it's still terrible but eh, I mean, at least we're getting... sexual tension now?

B: [laugh]

S: And Sam is somehow running faster than the robots, how???  They have a wider stride.

O: Dunno, but it’s the return of Dorito-scream!

S: And Ironhide tells Sam to run, like he wasn't already doing that.

O: Mikaela however, is a stone cold badass.

S: Her and Bee enter the fray, with her driving backwards and Bee doing all the shooting and fighting.  “I'll drive, you shoot,” indeed.

O: I really feel like they bond here, but we never get to see him be as good friends with her as he is with Sam which seems really shitty.  This scene had actual feelings! Emotions! Characters vibing with each other, dammit! Mikaela's like, “I'm scared, but I can help you and I know you want to help,” and I am here for that.

S: Yeah, they're actually working together instead of Sam who so far has uh, either been chasing the car, or being chased by the car, or possibly driving the car.

O: But not actually driving the car, like all movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam gets up on the roof and uh, manages to set off a flare.

O: But Starscream is RIGHT THERE, so the helicopter gets shot down before they can retrieve the AllSpark.

S: God, there is such a body count in this movie.

O: Right!?!  But it's fine because Sam and his penis, I mean hec-

S: [laughs]

O: Sam and his boner, I mean Sam and his not girlfriend survive.

S: Ugh, Optimus attempts to reach Sam.

O: And doesn't try to stop the falling helicopter at all.

S: It doesn't have the thing he wants.

O: [It’s] so fucked up.

S: Megatron reaches the roof and demands that Sam hands over the AllSpark.

O: Megatron then asks if it's courage or fear that compels him, which I will say- fear!  Obviously! The man has never known courage in his entire life!

S: Sam is- well, ok, so the entire time this exchange was going on, Sam was like, holding on to like, the front or back of this statue that's up on the roof.

O: Mm-hmm.

S: And, uh, basically Sam, and I think the statue, get knocked off the building.  But don't worry, Optimus catches him with his big soft hands.

O: Obviously.  Also, we see Optimus’ battle mask, it's something that was kind of neat.  An interesting idea when done WELL, like say, Prime or even Animated! You can pray this soap box for my COLD DEAD HANDS.

S: It's also not bad Cyberverse, but that's significantly newer.

O: Yeah, but it would be pulling from the other two.

S: Yeah.  And, um, how are people still driving around in this city?  Wasn't- well, I mean, there wouldn't- well, okay, I guess... there may be people who haven't gotten the memo about the giant robot war.

O: I just feel like, maybe they would have seen the smoke, or the explosions, and decided driving would be bad, but I don’t know…

S: I don't know how well sound travels in this city.

O: Who knows.  Optimus and Megatron both hit the street and seem to need a few seconds to shake the fall off, despite Sam being perfectly fucking fine.

S: That makes zero sense.  Humans are, uh... special.

O: [sighs] Optimus tells Sam that if he can't defeat Megatron, then Sam needs to push the AllSpark into Optimus’ chest- to make sure Megs doesn't get it.

S: Like, this is actually something that I think Optimus has said before?

O: Yeah, he- he said it to the Autobots earlier and- and Ratchet was like, “That might kill ya both!  Dumbass.”

S: Yeah.

O: Only without the dumbass-

S: I think-

O: -that’s my addition.  I know how to write Ratchet talking better than this movie does.  Fight me. [laughs]

S: Optimus just seems kind of suicidal at this point.

O: I mean… yeah.  He does not seem happy.

S: Yeah.

O: I mean, like, look, I can't think anybody would be happy in the middle of war or anything, but at least feel like G1 Optimus probably has moments.  Prime Optimus probably at least loves his team, to some capacity. Animated Optimus loves his team. As for as much as they drive him nuts.

S: [laughs]

O: This Optimus?  I don't think there's a single thing, a single spark of joy in this mech’s life.

S: Yeah, and back to the Decepticons, it’s Blackout time.

O: I kind of like how its rotors look like a cape when he transforms.

S: They wiggle.

O: THEY WIGGLE.

S: I- I enjoy the wiggly cape and it-

O: I do too!

S: And it’s- it’s helicopter rotors are like that.

O: Yeah, like, you kind of see with Blades a little bit in Rescue Bots too.

S: Yeah, he's a wiggly boy.  Lennox and company are able to defeat Blackout with some help from the Air Force.

O: Do they kill him with shot to the crotch?

S: [laughs] That’s entirely possible.

O: [laughs]

S: Lennox, I think, ends up taking... I don't know, the thing with- cuz-

O: They like- he slides underneath him and shoots.  So I’m like, “Did you kill him with a shot to the robo dick?”

S: [laughs]

O: Really?  Is that the Decepticons’ weakness?  That’s good to know. Optimus, aim there!

B: [laugh]

S: Oh, um, and so... basically, there's apparently a particular type of round that they have to use. Tha- it's like, a Sabot-something or other at that-

O: I don’t remember.

S: Yeah.

O: And I didn't- I didn't actually write it down because it was not important enough to me, sorry.

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Starscream takes out a good chunk of the military reinforcements and so like, at one point one of the soldiers is like, “Friendlies don't fly under building height,” or whatever.

O: They proceed to fly in the building height a few scenes later.

S: Yeah, while…

O: Starscream is transforming in and out of jet mode to take them out.

S: Yes, so yeah, there's- god, there is so much mortality going on here.  Cuz there's like, multiple planes going down-

O: Uh-huh

S: -in the middle of this inner city area.

O: And like, I will say, and we both comm- or I think you commented on like- it is a- it's a good fight like, for how Starscream would fight.

S: Yeah.

O: Because he’s sort of constantly shifting back and forth.

S: Yeah, I think he's choosing good aerial tactics for what he is.

O: He is and it’s really neat, actually.

S: Yeah, that was pretty cool.  From a mortality from human perspective point that's horrifying but...

O: That’s true.  Elsewhere, Megatron and Optimus continue to fight but Optimus is definitely losing.

S: Yeah, and so, Sam's been underfoot I guess, the entire time?

O: And he hasn't been squished.

S: Yeah.

O: Pity.

S: So instead of shoving the cube into Optimus’ chest he shoves it into Megatron's, because apparently Megatron’s spark is just out there on display… somehow?

O: Shit!  We don't know what that does!  What if he accidentally gave him immortality or something!?!

S: Apparently that didn't happen, cuz it seems- apparently that killed Megatron and like destroyed the cube???

O: Ahh?  [laughs]

S: And now Ironhide is walking around carrying both halves of Jazz's corpse like... babies in the crook of his arms.  Before handing them all over to Optimus.

O: That’s not awkward at ALL! [laughs]

S: Sam, Mikaela, and Bee reunite.

O: Exposition by the Secretary of Defense lets us know that the President has ordered the end of Sector Seven and all the Decepticon remains have been dropped into the Linares Trench where the cold and water pressure should keep them entombed.

[I don’t know if we misheard this when we were watching the movie or what, but according to TF Wiki it was the Laurentian Abyss, I’m really not sure where we got Linares from. ~O]

S: [sighs] Later, at yet another sunset, um…

O: [laughs] There's so many of those in this movie!  Optimus Prime closes out the movie, leaving us with a message of questionable hope and alerting any remaining Autobots that they may come to Earth.

S: We'll see some of them in the next movie.  Um...

O: But this is all while Sam and Mikaela are getting hot and heavy on top of Bumblebee’s windshield.

S: Yup.  That's- that's a person guys!  Maybe don't make out on top of him unless this is some sort of really weird three-way.  Which, ok, maybe not so weird if they're into that, but I don't think they discussed it.

O: [laughs] All the other Autobots in the background are totally watching too, so it just sort of feels like, extra level of creepy.

S: Yeah.  It really does.  I'm just shaking my head.  And um-

O: That's this movie in a nutshell, man.

S: The credits roll as the incredibly soothing tones of Linkin Park uh, they- they play and they escort us out of this movie.

O: So let mercy come, except for Decepticons because they don't deserve it according to this movie.

S: A few other scenes are cut into the credits.

O: Mostly involving Sam's parents.

S: It's really unimportant.

O: We do see Starscream escape into space though.

S: So, what are our conclusions?

O: Watching the Bumblebee movie and the entirety of Transformers Prime will get you everything that was pleasant about this movie and be a more enjoyable experience.  Maybe go do that instead? The Prime designs even seem at least loosely based on some of the live-action designs, you know some of the elements [of them] that I actually liked.  Real talk? It introduced some interesting concepts, but overall I hated it pretty much the entire time I was watching it. Specs?

S: I would have preferred to see a different movie, perhaps involving some of these characters but not all of them.  Um, specifically I would have liked to see something starring Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and Miles. Miles would have definitely been like, just you know, the random straight man who has no idea what the hell's going on.  While the other three are hyper- well they're all hyper competent at something, and then the soldiers could have been interesting secondary characters too.

But you know, there were really too many characters in this movie for anyone to have a complete character arc. So it would work better with a smaller cast, maybe just focusing on the first four that I mentioned?  Either that or having a TV series with the soldiers coming in as liaisons with the military kind of like Fowler from Prime. Some sort of buddy comedy with the first four or just a more- actually, something with more of the tone of Prime as a TV series-

O: Yeah.

S: - would have- would have worked well.

O: So like, what robots would you want to see in that?

S: Uh, I mean, if I was going to keep the Bayverse robots... I just want to see more characterization from them and better writing.  But if I could have any character, G1 based Ratchet, uh, maybe Hot Rod or Bumblebee for you know, kid appeal.  If I was gonna pick between live-action Bumblebees, I'd go with the Bumblebee [movie] Bumblebee.

O: Yeah, he was definitely better.

S: A G1 based Wheeljack, Cyberverse Grimlock.  Uh, if it was something that was gonna be more lighthearted, maybe the Rescue Bots, particularly Blades.  Cuz I would like a flight frame in there.

O: Yeah.

S: And… so- Optimus, even if he's only someone who shows uh, sometimes?

O: Periodically, yeah.

S: Optimus would be good.  If this was going to be a heavier thing, keep the Rescue Bots off.  And, I mean, if we're going- going back to the Bayverse thing, if we're going to stick with Bayverse Autobots, just give them screen time and character development.  And also Bayverse Arcee, specifically, the design for the toy from the first movie, even if she was pink.

O: Fair.

S: But as it stands, [sighs] the Bayverse Autobots in this movie are just... Optimus is impatient, Ironhide really likes his guns, Rachet is tactless, and Bumblebee is immature.  And then Jazz is the only person who seemed to actually learn about human social customs in some- in some manner. He doesn't destroy as much shit as everyone else.

O: Yeah, Jazz was definitely the best one.

S: He was!  And then he- then they killed him, he died!  It’s just like, why did you do that?

B: [sigh]

S: If you're going to have characters, please give them screen time and don't kill them.

O: What a concept!  I guess that leaves me to fill out the Cons for this cast.  Uh, Megatron obviously, uh, G1 or Prime. Probably Prime if I had to pick one because they- again, I feel like the Prime characters lend themselves reasonably well to a more, kind of realistic plot.  Soundwave, probably Prime, again feel like he fits better into this. Uh, he needs some of the cassettes though, which Prime didn't really have, but I definitely want Ravage, cuz I love Ravage. Uh, Knockout because he's fun, and snarky.  Um, it's not Cons without a Starscream, so Starscream. But similar what you said, I would literally take just fleshing out the Cons in the Bayverse, because they had so little screenshin- screenshine?

S: [laughs]

O: They had so little screen time, and just no personality, and it was just... depressing!

S: The most screen time that we had for any of them would be Blackout at the beginning, where he's basically just shooting things-

O: Yeah, but he didn't even have any lines!

S: Yeah, and then…

O: Like, in fact, so few of them had lines!

S: Yeah.

O: Like, the way- even the Decepticons, most of the time when they talk, they talked in Cybertronian even.

S: Yeah.

O: And it was translated, it was just like, “On our way,” or, “Megatron has been found.”  It wasn't even- it wasn't character, it was just a statement!

S: Yeah, like none of them had personality and that’s just so disappointing.

O: It really is.

S: [sighs] And it's- we have fanfiction recommendations.

O: Yeah, I know we didn't do this with the other specials but because there is actually fanfic based on the live-action stuff, we kind of thought it was more applicable here.

S: Alright, so the first one is, “The Princess is in Another Castle,” by Bibliotecaria_D.  It's in the mov- the Bayverse continuity, obviously. Uh, rating, PG-13. It's got- it has past slash, so it's not a general fic.  Parings, uh, past Mikaela Banes and Sam Witwicky. Um, characters, Mikaela Banes. And in summary, “Mikaela Banes is waiting” That's- that's the long and short of the summary folks.

O: [laughs]

S: But it's really good!  It’s-

O: It's basically... what did happen to Mikaela, after her and Sam broke up?  And it- and it feels like this very good character development thing for her and it feels- it feels good to read.  Like it feels like- yes, this feels like something the character would have done and it it really gives her more depth than the movies ever did.

S: More depth and agency.

O: Agency, she has goals- that aren’t Sam oriented.

S: Um-hm.

O: It's really nice, I really recommend it.

S: I should reread it it's been a while.

O: I do recommend it like, I’ve read it multiple times because I thought it was really good.

S: Yeah.  So the the rec for it is Mikaela and it's a one shot.  And so our next one is- would you like to talk about it or would you prefer me?

O: I'm gonna talk about it, and I'll kind of explain why I maybe can't give the best in-depth explanation of it.  But uh, our other fanfic suggestion is, “Towards Peace”. It is by ariealbots, the continuity is Bay movies, if- they bring in elements of IDW, it's rated T.  It is slash, but believe me when I say I'm not gonna read this entire list. I'll just tell you kind of the top ones are Megatron/Optimus, Megatron/Ultra Magnus, Optimus Prime/Shockwave, Mikaela Banes/Bumblebee/Sam Whitwicky- so they actually are a trine in this like, they're- they're a poly relationship-

S: Um-hm.

O: -as far as I can tell.  Um, characters... there are so many!  I- like, it would have been absurd for me to try to list them all but basically the Bayverse cast, you get elements of some of the IDW characters thrown in, like Verity.  You get some of the Bumblebee characters thrown in like you actually get Charlie. Um, and they're pairing up essentially with all the bots that are still on Earth and it's really- it's really great cuz I think Charlie gets uh, teamed up with Skyfire?  So like, the- the Russian jet not like the Skyfire from G1.

S: Oh, the guy for the second movie?

O: Yes!  Like-

S: That’s Jetfire.

O: Jetfire, thank you!  I knew the name wasn’t exactly the same and I kept forgetting.  Skyfire actually shows up as a separate character in this and he's more based off G1 and IDW.  But yeah, she- she sort of is paired up with Jetfire and- and it's really lovely and I like it. [laughs]

[Okay, to make this all the more confusing, he’s called Jetstorm in this particular fic, so I just got this wrong in all the ways.  ~O]

S: Except he's not Russian in the second one he's an SR-71 Blackbird.

O: He has a Russian accent.

S: Ah, ok.

O: I don't know why-

S: Well-

O: Like- like it it makes more sense when I read it but-

S: Okay.

O: But anyway in summary, heh, “At the climax of the Battle of Mission City the AllSpark is pushed into Megatron's chest and instead of killing him it does what it was made for, it transforms.  After millennia of slow descent into madness brought by programming corruption the Lord Protector Megatron finds his mind suddenly restored but the memory of what he's done cannot be washed away.  With the war brought to a violent halt both Autobots and Decepticons must learn to coexist if they want to reunite their civilization and restore their dying world.”

S: I like that summary.

O: It's... good and obviously it's because, Bayverse, and it took place right after the first movie so I wanted to recommend it here.  Um, it is multi chapter, it's still ongoing, which is kind of my caveat usually I don't like recommending things unless they’re finished.  And I actually have a hard time following this one- reading it, partially because I have a hard time telling any of the Bayverse bots apart.

Like, I think, I'm actually gonna have an easier time reading it now, now that I had to like, sit down and fucking disect the Bayverse movie, so I'm gonna be really happy to go back and read it.  Um, I think it's pretty safe to assume a bunch of the pairings are like past and stuff, because like, I- I haven't seen hide nor hair of Ultra Magnus yet. Um, but- but anyway it's- it is good and like, the stuff I've read I described it as like, having this very kind of sweet pervasive kindness to it and softness to it which was really nice.  Uh, it was done as part of a Big Bang, I think?

S: Hmm…

O: The Big Bang event.  Like I said, they're not finished yet but I'm interested to see what they do and- and I'd liked a few of the like, characters and relationships particularly kind of with the humans and whatever kind of bot or bots they're kind of closest with.

Like I said with Charlie I'm pretty sure it was uh, Jetfire.  I think Verity might have actually been with Barricade, don't quote me on that because I could totally be wrong but- but I liked it, like it was good on that level.  Um, it's just I'm like, I haven't finished it yet and I haven't even read the most recent stuff so I'm always a little hesitant to recommend stuff I haven't finished reading so you know, with a grain of salt.  But I like what I read.

S: I’m going to have to go look at that, because it does sound nice.

O: It- it- just… I love that a concept.  God forbid, I cannot keep the Bayverse characters straight to save my life.  Uh, Jazz comes back to life though. [laughs]

S: Nice.

O: Because Megatron basically start- like he- he touches Jazz and so Jazz is better now.  “I got better!”

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, but- but he can also sense where like, a lot of the living Cybertronians are so like that's how they actually- they actually go get Skyfire who is in the Arctic in this uh, fanfic so you know, but- but it's good.  Uh... oh! Thundercracker and Skywarp are in it so you have the full- you have a full Dorito trine. Um-

B: [laugh]

O: I like my Doritos in multiple flavors, thank you very much! [laughs]

S: Cool ranch and I'm not sure what the hell Skywarp would be.

O: Uh, cheesy?

B: [laugh]

O: Anyway, happy holidays everyone and thank you for tuning in.  It's been a wild year and we're excited to keep talking about these ridiculous robots.  We will be taking a break for the rest of this month and January to enjoy the holidays but we'll be back in February with episode 26, “Attack of the Autobots!” Oh god, the Ark's only got two beds and there's about to be problems.

S: Oh my god, they were all roommates.

B: [laugh]

S: They are!

O: You’re not wrong, per se...

S: And that just about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Youtube, just to name a few.  Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: And I’m Owls.

B:  Happy holidays!

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

[Ending Stinger]

S: Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2004 Transformers film.

O: That is the wrong year.

S: GAH-

B: [dissolve into laughter]

S: God dammit.

[haich-slash-cee]

Being Human (UK)

This is a show that I recommend to people... but I add a lot of caveats.

The recommendation: A werewolf, vampire and ghost are flatmates. This show is hilarious! So much macabre and slice of life humor! And horror and whump!? Also, the show was run by a side-channel of BBC (BBC3) and I guess they had no production money, so the actors mostly look human and they just refer to each other as being a 500-year old vampire or ghost or whatever. Which makes it even better. The werewolf is Jewish, recites a Jewish prayer at least once, and hangs out watching “The Real Hustle” with the vampire. They work in a hospital as janitors. The ghost has a habit of making everyone tea to soothe herself and the flat is cluttered with tea mugs everywhere all the time. Also, people do get fang-y or wolf-y or do weird poltergeist stuff. And gore happens.

Longish post, more below the cut.

PS, this is the 2008-2013 UK version of Being Human, which I hear had a cult following. There’s certainly stuff on Tumblr. I found the BBC version through the US remake of Being Human, but I’m much more charmed by the BBC version. (The US version has the vampire and werewolf as hospital doctors? Why?) Also I watched the show maybe 4, 5 years ago, so impressions are from that.

And the caveats: There’s a lot of sexism which was hard to watch. It’s engrained in the premise and plot and occasional gross sexist jokes. And there’s other problematic stuff in the writing. It’s like having glass shards show up the meal you are enjoying, and it’s why I’m not sure I’ll rewatch the series (or not in it’s entirety, anyway). There’s also a limited spinoff web series called Becoming Human which also had some problems for me, including some gross sexism and fatphobia. (John Boyega from Star Wars does show up as a character in that series, for anyone interested.)

Back to Being Human and overall series recommendations. So the 1st season was good. I kind of forgot what happened in the 2nd and 3rd season (I think they got depressing and slow?). The 4th season picked up again, much to my surprise, and I remember liking the 4th and 5th season a lot. Even though [spoilers] there was a complete cast change by this time. But it worked, somehow. The show did go from at least having one woman of color to having an all-white cast at the end, which was not great. And there’s other racism too.

For people who like their happily-ever-after: uhhh so I vaguely recall that a lot of characters don’t really get a happy ending. Granted, half of them are walking around dead already, so...? Overall, the ending of the 5th season is... Is that a happy ever after? Happy for now? The Bonus on the DVD kind of makes it a happy-for-now with a continued possibility? It’s an acceptable HFN?

.....And now, the notes for all the hurt/comfort people and whumpers:

Holy crap people, there is SO much h/c and whump!?

OK first -- George the werewolf. George’s transformation sequence, SUPER whumpy.

Also, George ends up naked often, come to think. And he screams a lot during the show, for various reasons. The actor himself, in the bonus DVD interviews I think, cheerfully says something like, “People really like the way George screams, I do too.” (This is like when David Tennant cheerfully talked about how he enjoys playing a character who is unconscious and sick and gets fussed over by people.) And George is a very sympathetic, nerdy character who is easy to feel for. Who occasionally turns into a SNARLY SCARY WEREWOLF AGAINST HIS WILL. As mentioned, I think I liked season 1 George more than seasons 2 or 3.

Emotional hurt/comfort -- so Annie the Ghost provides a lot of the emotional centering, as I recall. Throughout all 5 seasons, all the characters lean on each other for support and there’s a lot of lovely warm fuzzies from that. Also, one of the later werewolf characters, Tom, is generally a sweet kid. I’m glad they didn’t do too much of the transformation horror with him, honestly. George/Russel Tovey could carry that, but I thought Tom’s strong point was looking puppy-eyed and folorn-eyebrow’d and trying to navigate the world with a mix of naivety and half-feral-ness.

Above: exhausted naps on the couch.

Below: Classic Being Human humor. A review of house rules and vampire stabbing etiquette, between Annie and Tom --

[Spoilers from here on] Okay, so as mentioned, the cast changed over between season 4-5. And to my surprise, I think I loved the new trio as much as, or more than, the original trio. I liked how loud Alex the ghost was. And I liked both Annie and Alex.

Also, I did not expect this either, but I got so interested in Hal! Yo! First of all, Hal is a centuries-old Vampire and speaks/looks like, idk, a Regency Character. And then 19-yr old Tom puts Hal to work at a fast food shop and bosses him around, and Hal’s indignation is hilarious. So already, this is excellent.

And somehow, Hal is very, very whumpy? So: the character of a “vampire who is trying to be good and suffers” is not new, and I’ve encountered versions where I haven’t been interested. (I was lukewarm about Mitchell, the original vampire in the show.) But for whatever reason, I really dug Hal. Maybe, for me, Hal was just the right mix of very serious and earnest but also ridiculous and tragic all at once. (I read some interviews with the actor Damien Molony, who mentioned how he’d done a lot of history and addiction research in to prep for the role. The new trio actors also had a lot of chemistry and fun on sets, it sounds like. So I might be picking up all that.)

Also, Hal is actually two characters -- the ridiculous indignant serious Good Hal who is desperately trying to keep the horrible, rude, murderous, Bad Hal from taking over. But, as one of the show producers, a woman, cheerfully commented in the DVD extras: “And then Bad Hal shows up, which is great, everyone likes a bit of Bad Hal”. 

Honestly, why do we even pretend to hide our fascination with the macabre and the whump, when showrunners and actors are cheerfully not hiding it all.

Here’s clips of Good Hal in Season 4:

Oh, I forgot about this part until I rewatched the last clip -- but at the end of season 4, Hal asks his flatmates to forcibly bind him to a chair, because he’s trying to fight off Bad Hal. Based on my perusing of the whump community, pretty sure that scenario is of interest to someone.

Also notable is the episode “No Care, All Responsibility” (Series 5 ep 3). In one scene in particular, where Natasha has offered Hal a way to control his bloodlust and there’s this mix of vulnerability and power with Hal asking Natasha to put a stake against his heart, I remember thinking -- “I bet a woman wrote this ep and I bet she knew exactly what she wanted”. And I was right, that woman is Sarah Dollard, a queer woman who has also written a lot of other things (including Doctor Who). She also wrote Being Human goofy web extra eps with Alex, Hal and Tom called “Alex’s Unfinished Business” and they are so good ! (Interview). 

Also... the opening 3-minute backstory in “No Care...” made me cry. You get a glimpse of the show’s baddie showing real care and emotion in rescuing this little kid (an important character). When this kind of scene is done well, it just gets me. every. time.

Anyway here’s an appearance of Bad Hal (much later), being completely awful, murdering people and turning them into vampires and singing Broadway tunes during this.

Side note on Vampire narratives. Although Hal’s narrative arc of season 5 was interesting, and I’m aware this is show is urban fantasy, I still have qualms of the show enforcing IRL stigmas/ideas that addition is incurable and addicts are doomed. They’re not. (General overview on NIH page.) Addiction research is a growing field. From listening to NPR and reading articles, my impression is that addiction treatment will change quickly in the next few years. Related to the vampire blood addiction trope, Terry Pratchett covers vampires finding ways to be “dry” (one vampire, Maladict, swaps out blood addiction for coffee addiction) and you can find fanfics about the topic as well. (General link to Being Human Ao3 fanfics, why not.)

Side note on Hal’s dual characters -- recently, I did consider, “Is there overlap with Hal and portrayals of Dissociative Identity Disorder (MPD) folks?” IRL DID people have complained about movies with gross portrayals of people with DID. To me, Being Human’s Hal feels removed from that and closer to a fantasy.... but, I’m also not multi, so.

* Update: after having learned more about plural history, I’m even less sure now. (Note: my opinions are of someone who isn’t plural, as far as I know, so note that.) There’s a number of early problematic movies and books that hugely affected the popular narratives of plural people in the west, and still affect how therapists and non-plural people treat plural people even today. These include the movie “The Three Faces of Eve”, which has the narrative of “Good Eve, Bad Even, and later smushed together become ‘Fixed Eve’ or whatever”. There’s practically a whole lecture series on how the books/movies were made with sensationalism and formulas in mind and pretty gross things. Chris Costner Sizemore, the IRL Eve, had to fight the movie studios in court because the studios claimed they owned her life story. (There’s practically a whole lecture series on early plural history in the west, I might link more information later). Like, even today, multi people feel pressured to hide their plurality because they are afraid singlets or other people are gonna say “oh so which one of you is the ax murderer”, or that they are going to be fired from work. So.  

This post turned into a “Being Human seasons 4 + 5 Appreciation Post”. I guess Season 1 and 4, 5 were my favorite. I watched the show through library DVDs, but I think there’s eps of the show on YouTube. The DVD extras are probably on this YouTube playlist?

(Also, there is a pilot episode, with different actors except George/Russel Tovey. I don’t think one needs to watch the pilot to watch the main series; I kind of recall that the main series recycled some of the pilot. There is a funny scene in the pilot where George and Mitchell meet Annie.)

Being Human: a macabre, hilarious, horror-filled, flawed, sometimes dragging, emotional, whumpy, oddball show that I still think about sometimes.