#I feel like this could be read as somebody who's asexual but not aromantic.

[harzilla]

Ortho Shroud and Love.

I feel like a lot of people miss out on the opportunity to really deep dive into Ortho's psychology. I'd like to see a story that focuses on Ortho figuring out what love is. Like not him just downloading the definition or watching a bunch of cheesy romance movies. But him genuinely trying to actually understand what LOVE is.

Let him think and contemplate his relationship with Idia. He understands why he was built, but perhaps he gets to a point where he truly starts to think more on it. When did his programming stop just him taking care of his brother and when did it come to be actual affection?(I actually need to read through book 7 so yeah....)

Can you program love or can a robot learn to love? Can he love if his robotic parts are granted a soul? Is he still just a robot if he has a soul?

Him learning about how his family loves him. Not for being a replacement but for being HIM.

Deep dive into him learning how the others perceive him as more then just a robot. How he's not just "a robot, or Idia's brother" he's Ortho. Their Ortho. Ortho their friend. Feeling he finally understands what a friend actually is. He has actual friends! His friends.

Let him actually ponder on the nature of romantic love and whether or not it's something he can learn. Would his programming eventually allow him to mature mentally? Can he be programmed to mentally mature? Can zeros and ones act like the chemicals in a human's brain? Would it eventually allow him to really "feel" any kind of "this person is more special then the others?" like he understands that he loves Idia as a brother. But for the first time maybe Ortho finds somebody who he wants attention from.

Maybe he begins to wonder why he wants to take something his brother has. He's usually happy if somebody is giving Idia positive attention but it's the first time he finds that he wants it for himself. He's never felt that way towards anybody. Maybe he thinks at first it's because he sees them in a familia way, but then he noticed how it doesn't feel the same as with them. He doesn't feel the way he does for Idia.

He searches through his memory banks but nothing seems to really match and he's certain it's not a programming flaw, Idia is very meticulous with his diagnostics. So why does he "feel off?" Why does he "feel off" more often whenever this person is around?

And then maybe one day he's in club and they're watching romance movies and of course the film club is doing an analysis about them and it's during this that Ortho thinks.

"Was what I felt love?"

And now you've got Ortho doing a deep dive of different kind of romances and maybe he's trying to figure out why exactly the characters are falling in love. What is it that drew one character to another? Why do these two happy together but yet they refuse to say they're together?"

Just him trying to actually understand how romance between people work. Him watching movies, reading romance stories, him just researching. He spends his time analyzing genres, archetypes, popular tropes based on different demographics. Historical couples that were happy vs those who did poorly. Different books and articles that talk about successful relationships vs. ones that fail. Reviewing anything he has on his parent's relationship. They seem to be happy together. The info he finds would say they're behavior could be romantic. All this time he's trying to understand.

"What is love? What is love that can be considered romantic? Can he love somebody? Can he love them enough that he is IN love with them?"

"Can he love somebody in a way that isn't platonic?"

"Can a robot fall in love?"

"Can he fall in love?

Give me more stories about Ortho exploring his nature as a robot and him evolving feelings as a realized being.

[alastors-antlers]

Being someone who sees a lot of talk about shipping Alastor (sexually, romantically) in fanworks, I just want to take some time to talk about both sides of the issue. It's long, I know - please, please bear with me until the end, and I hope you'll understand what I mean in a bit.

I hope this helps someone, but as an aroace person who understands the frustration and hurt, this is often how it feels to me:

Alastor, being one of the limited cases of aspec rep that I've seen and one of even fewer which I actually enjoyed, means a lot to me.

That being said, his canon rep establishes that he's aroace but not much about how this factors into his life or relationships at all -- and when there's a gap in canon, I turn to fanfiction, which tends to spotlight characters' queerness even when the source material doesn't or can't. Don't we all want to see ourselves in the media we engage with?

When I pull up AO3, there are already a good number of fics about him. Great! Some of them are definitely incredible; but as I read on, it starts to seem like a lot of fics I see acknowledge that he's asexual or aromantic in some way but don't really factor that into the story. It reads like you could have written the story without keeping his queer identity in mind, and it would've come out the same.

Even when representation that does resonate with me exists, it starts to be exhausting to pick through the slash tags to see which ones are written in an aspec-coded way, so I wonder if it would be easier to not read anything with slash at all. On the other hand, when you filter ships out completely, only a tiny fraction of the fanworks are left.

People often respond that aspec people can have relationships, and I think we tend to know that. They can have sex, some can experience sexual attraction in select situations, they can romance others beyond romantic attraction -- any combination of things. But some aroace people don't want either, and sometimes we're struggling to see ourselves in how Alastor is typically portrayed.

Out of all of the fics, sex-repulsed, totally aromantic Alastor isn't seen much. And when Alastor's limited canon seems to be pretty supportive of a reading where he is those things...

Sometimes, you start to feel lost. If fics were evenly distributed along the aroace spectrum of experiences, wouldn't you expect more fics of him being the "totally uninterested" brand of aroace? But there aren't. People seem to have a preference toward seeing him in relationships. Even if they mean well, it can make you think: what does that say about how we view asexuality/aromanticism as a whole?

Is there something less interesting about Alastor, when romance is taken out of the picture? Do others find him less appealing as a character if they can't see him dating, or in love, or having sex or wanting it? Why do we need romance, when romance is already everywhere else, when it doesn't even feel like he was originally really interested? It brings to mind a struggle to be societally accepted, even today.

Even when it's not technically wrong to write Alastor as you see him, being told that we should all be able to ship him however we want can feel like this:

It brings to mind people who try to swing in with misinformed good intentions, telling us "oh, you're aromantic? but you can still have romantic relationships, right? so you can still be normal." when all we want is to be okay outside of the normal.

Or trying to find a partner who can be with us, out of everyone who tells us "I know you don't enjoy sex, and that's okay, but I can't have a romantic relationship with you without it." and being so tired of hoping for someone who gets it.

Or talking with peers, and hearing them all commiserate and fawn over their experiences with love, then telling them about someone you like non-romantically and getting "aww, it sounds like somebody's got a crush!" but not being believed when you tell them it's not like that at all.

Alastor is not a big deal, not really, not in the grand scheme of things. But in an allonormative world, it can feel like a sudden splash of cold water when we were expecting a warm fire to sit around. Even within this ecosystem, we squint to see ourselves reflected.

Society isn't built for us. It can be exhausting to be reminded of that.

~~~

I hope to support people writing Alastor as any variation of aspec, or not even aspec at all. At the end of the day, I think that fanon is really whatever you want it to be, and everyone has their own reasons for writing what they find enjoyable. They should be allowed to do so, and I want to believe that people do what they do with good intentions.

They want to imagine scenarios with the templates of characters they love, and that's okay; even beyond sexuality/queer identities/etc., fan interpretations of characters can be incredibly, wildly different from who they really are in the story anyway, and that's what I try to remind myself. But still, I also can't help feeling disappointed about the aroace representation we could have seen.

(Is Alastor canonically sex-repulsed? Uhh, maybe. If I had to guess, that'd be my top guess, but this might be a hot take: I wouldn't really say there's enough to go off of considering that this view is supported by Angel propositioning him both times, and it's not like Alastor is a particularly big fan of Angel at those points anyway lol)

To my fellow aroaces struggling with Alastor's fandom rep: if you need a break from it all; if you need to block the tags that you hate; if you need to talk to someone about how you're feeling; that's okay. It makes sense that you'd want more representation in a way that helps you feel seen and validated and less alone. I can't speak for everyone, but I think I get it.

I don't have any solutions for how you're feeling, because sometimes I'm feeling the same way. I understand that you want others to get your position and you have the right to express your feelings, but even if you're correct, often being angry or frustrated won't help change others' minds, so let's try to save our energy and take care of ourselves.

Something that helps me to think about is that even now, asexuality is gaining more visibility. We're gaining support. Real change is happening in the world that's helping incredible amounts of aspec people feel freer to be themselves. And maybe one day, we won't be reaching to protect our scraps of representation.

Let's fight until that day together <3

[aroaceconfessions]

I actually have a few questions. I'm 18 and I haven't had an actual real crush since I was 12. And that was almost my only one crush I think. Now I know that that not liking anyone doesn't automatically imply that I might be aro (wether I'm actually also asexual or not doesn't interest me at the moment) but I have heard that sexual and romantic orientation can change with time. Is that true? Because that might be a good explanation.

I normally don't really care about this, and I present myself (if I really have to, since I always try to avoid the subject) to other people as "straight but I don't need anyone and I don't care about romance and sex and I don't like talking about it" (I have kind of conservative parents) or just say that I don't really need a label because if I ever like anyone I can just tell that person in particular.

I don't know where I'm really going with this... Maybe I just wanna know if other people have had the same kind of experience.

Also because there's a guy who likes me (the first one ever) and I don't like him at all so since I don't know how to deal with this situation I just panic and try to avoid him lol. There was one night when I swear I wouldn't stop having to go to the bathroom I actually had to pee my body would tell me to get out of the situation because the guy was being a little clingy. Since he has some sorts of social difficulties (not that I don't have any lol), I don't think he realized I was uncomfortable, I can't say he's a bad guy since I don't even know him that well and he hasn't even told me that he likes me but it's just really obvious (I'm not being arrogant: my friend suddenly asked me about my sexuality and what I would do if somebody asked me out, and we never talk about that, the day after our friend group went out with that guy and I noticed that he was treating me a different way from the others, so they kind of unitentionally contributed to out his feelings to me even if he didn't wanna tell me).

And I know that could be because of my own "social issues", but maybe this awkwardness was fueled by the fact that the thought of dating someone terrifies me? I guess I'm tryna to find out why do I feel these things and put them into words. Maybe aromantic could be the right word? But what if tomorrow I meet someone new and get a real crush on them after six years? and what if I still won't want to date them even if I like them? Why are these things so confusing for me?

Thank you for reading I didn't mean for this post to be this long hahahah sorry (and even if this doesn't get read, it kinda felt good to write all these thoughts down so thank you anyways for having this blog)

Submitted May 23, 2023

[allwaswell16]

A fic rec of One Direction fics with an asexual character in the fic as requested in this ask. For more fics with an asexual character, you can find my asexual Louis fic rec here and asexual Harry fic rec here. You can find all my other fic recs here. If you enjoy the fic, please leave the writer kudos and a comment! Happy reading!

-Larry-

promise your whispers are mine by lightswoodmagic / @lightwoodsmagic

(E, 94k, catering au) Harry’s the head chef at Azoff’s Catering, and he loves his job; the opportunity has always been more than he could dream of and he’s proud of the food he creates. Until he meets Louis, an event coordinator rising through the ranks with his own company, and who reminds him of the dreams he once had for his own career.

What I Have With You (I don't want with anyone else) by @lululawrence

(NR, 73k, fake relationship) Louis is an asexual alpha, Harry is his aromantic alpha friend and possible roommate, and faking a relationship might be exactly what they need to get their families and friends off their backs.

now you're in my life (I can't get you off my mind)  by we_are_the_same / @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed

(M, 34k, a/b/o) as much as Harry loves the concept of dating, the reality sucks.

Something Deep Inside by lightswoodmagic / @lightwoodsmagic

(M, 17k, canon) the five times Louis had to hold back his feelings, and the one time he didn't.

Ace Drag Queen Louis by @musketrois

(NR, 16k, series) Louis is a drag queen and Harry is the photographer that wants to be more than friends.

balance between you and me by beckywritesthings / @beckydoesthings

(T, 15k, a/b/o) As a successful businessman, Louis is used to the long hours, never-ending work, and constant exhaustion. What hits the hardest, even though he'd never admit it, is the empty apartment he comes home to every day. 

All The Shades In Between by LaDiDah 

(G, 10k, Potter Direction) Harry is hit with a rogue truth spell and can't control what comes out of his mouth; a bit awkward when his adoration for Louis has only grown over the years.

Somebody Get Me Through This Nightmare by @lululawrence

(NR, 11k, neighbors) “You are always welcome to sleep on my couch if you need,” Harry offered immediately. “I still don’t think it’s quite as bad as you seem to believe it is, but I’d much rather you be next door than fifteen or twenty minutes away at someone else’s house.”

serve me up a little hope on the rocks by we_are_the_same / @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed

(M, 10k, bar au) Louis is a bartender who doesn't take drink orders, but just makes drinks based on what he thinks his customers will like. Harry is just another customer. Or is he?

in comes the rain by BeforeEternity / @starlitlou

(M, 7k, established relationship) Being ace and an omega had never been Louis' favourite combination. Even less so when his heat is involved. 

when we get intimate by rainblou / @loubbies

(E, 6k, a/b/o) Harry is asexual. It becomes a problem when his heat arrives and Louis, his alpha, doesn't know.

Peach Blossom Has Just Begun To Bloom by flamboyo / @riverswater

(G, 4k, pride parade) Losing sight of their friends, Louis and Harry decide to spend the march together talking about their identity and their pride, and eventually concluding to never let each other go.

Talk with me, Walk with me by @loulovehome

(G, 3k, self discovery) AU where Louis and Harry’s relationship develops at the same time that Louis starts figuring out his asexuality.

let's run all the red lights by wordsnnotes / @quelsentiment

(T, 3k, childhood friends) Harry has always been in love with Louis, and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

Baby, Don’t Apologize by @neondiamond

(T, 1k, a/b/o) Harry being an asexual Omega means his Alpha Louis has had to spend his ruts alone for the past decade despite being mated.

An ace week by Onlythebrave_6

(NR, 1k, established relationship) The one where Louis is not that confident with his identity but Harry decides that the asexual awareness week is the best time to make him feel even more loved and supported than he usually is.

-Rare Pairs-

Situations Like These by wordsnnotes / @quelsentiment

(T, 30k, Louis/Zayn) It’s not that often that Louis feels this way about people. His lack of sexual attraction doesn’t prevent him from experiencing these fleeting moments of aesthetic admiration, but it’s rare for him to get almost obsessed with someone’s beauty the way he is with Zayn’s. 

we're still the kings of the Friday nights by we_are_the_same / @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed

(T, 22k, Zayn/Louis) Zayn’s been everything, for so long now. His moral compass, his partner in crime, his ride or die. And as of tonight, the first boy Louis has ever kissed.

Like it was at the start by wordsnnotes / @quelsentiment

(T, 14k, Louis & Liam) A platonic soulmates AU set in Lake Louise, Canada.

a little tenderness by @disgruntledkittenface

(NR, 10k, Niall/Harry) Touch deprivation makes a lot of sense now that Harry thinks about it. Niall seems generally unwell; he appears to be weak, his skin is pallid and his lips look chapped, and his breathing is ragged. 

[with-the-flickers-of-light]

Ok, so.

[deep breath]

Since this is a Taylor Swift fan blog (even if it's one with zero (0) followers), it feels important to address my thoughts on the Matty Healy situationship.

Warning, this is going to be a post critical of the relationship. I absolutely do not believe that being a fan means that I have to support all of Swift's decisions. Also, content warning for swearing, light discussion of exploitative/abusive pornography, anti-Semitism, racism, sexism, and just general shittiness.

If you want anything tagged or fact-checked, please let me know!

Before diving in, my general thoughts on celebrity relationships:

As a general rule, I don't believe in speculating about celebrities' relationships. I am only really looking into Healy now since the publicization of the Swift/Healy relationship seems to be quite intentional at this point. And while I don't believe in holding women to a higher standard than men, or in erasing their professional achievements to gossip about their personal lives, I also believe that we as consumers get to choose who we support. Professionals are entitled to privacy, yes, but "privacy" is not a free pass to ignore moral wrongs.

For me, my basic stance is that I understand "The Man", but that many of the behaviors discussed therein should not be appropriate for anyone, whether a man or not. So no, this isn't about me being a misogynist and overriding Swift's professional achievements with gossip about her love life. This is about me pointing out that no one is free from accountability -- whether or not the media holds you accountable, somebody will.

I do believe the rich and famous have at least some responsibility to do good in the world. You have privilege, you have a platform. Hell, the world could refuse to ever give you another cent and you'd probably remain better-off for the rest of your life than most people. And especially if you choose to cultivate parasocial relationships with your fans, you have to realize that making shitty choices will feel like personal betrayals to them. As a celebrity, you know that your public decisions will be held under scrutiny and that they will impact the general population, because you hold influence.

And finally, on the nature of romantic relationships: I identify as aromantic-asexual, so I will be the first to admit that I do not understand all the urges that go into dubiously intelligent relationships. Nonetheless, I hold that while attraction may be involuntary, a relationship is a choice. (There are, of course, cases of abuse where the "relationship" is really not a choice on one side, but based on all we've seen I do not think Swift/Healy is one of them.)

That said, we arrive at the issue of Healy.

Healy is not the kind of person I am interested in supporting, financially or otherwise. I'm not going to list off all his crap -- it's well-known enough to be on Wikipedia at this point. (Which I hear is in a bit of an editing war? Never a good sign, y'all.) This post is about my response, because you can find the facts elsewhere (and you've probably already read them elsewhere).

If he was middle-of-the-road questionable -- like, if all he did was eat raw meat -- it could be excused. Whatever, I'm not going to ever be a fan of that, but I'm also not going to give a damn aside from doing a double-take at the headline and then sighing.

The licking fingers and kissing fans thing... that's. A, uh. It's a choice. That's the point where I'm kind of like... what? But sure, I guess you could argue that it's a morally gray area, because it's weird, and dubiously consensual, but I dunno, fans could be into that or something? Definitely not something I'm into, but pending further investigation on the case, I could bring myself to just roll my eyes at another trashbag.

And then we get into his recent, shitty statements. "It was just a joke/ironic/satire" is a bullshit excuse and in the year 2023, we all know it. If you're a celebrity who has a PR team, I sure as hell know that you know it. I am willing to forgive misguided jokes if they were from a bygone era and the offender has since apologized for the harm they caused.

Hell, maybe I could bring myself to accept the "ironic Nazi salute"; sure, maybe he was trying to bring awareness to Trump/Kanye-gate by drawing that parallel. I could convince myself that he really was acting in good faith, because there is a maybe possibly potentially decent outcome he could've been angling at.

To be clear, I don't believe it. I think we all know to not do the Nazi salute, even in satire.

But even if I did, well.

I am not willing to forgive Healy "joking" about masturbating to exploitative pornography of black women in the year 2023, without even an apology (to the best of my knowledge). I'm not going to speculate on whether or not he really was joking, but whether it was a fact or a joke, it's fucking disgusting. Whether it's a stage personality, a joke, an ironic comment, or satire, if it's you causing harm, then it's shitty. At best, it's ignorant and reckless; at worst, it's... I don't even know what to say. And again, in the year 2023, it's not hard to tell what could be harmful in said "joke" about porn, so I don't put much stock in the "ignorant" column.

There is no possible good outcome from a "joke" like that, which means there is no possible positive spin for me to try to play. There is no reason to be that shitty.

The evidence is clear and simple, and it leads to the conclusion that supporting Healy is not something I can be at all interested in or tolerant of.

What about the good things he's said?

Well, let's keep this short and sweet: human decency is not a transaction. Good actions don't cancel out bad actions, except for when the good action is a fucking good apology that genuinely seeks to make reparations for the bad action.

Okay, but why should Swift take responsibility for that?

Straight up, whether or not Swift is a "feminist" is irrelevant to this conversation -- this is the standard I apply to people regardless of what beliefs they claim (although it would come with an extra helping of hypocrisy if you do want to claim to support women and POC). What's relevant is that she has chosen to publicly and positively associate herself with a known piece of shit. And being in a relationship with Healy is tacitly supporting his views. There is no way she -- a self-proclaimed "mastermind", a "calculated/smart businesswoman" -- doesn't know this.

There is no professional benefit to associating with Healy, either. The David O'Russell movie could be hand-waved with "it was a professional opportunity". Where the Crawdads Sing could be reasoned away as "separating art from artist". But her dating life is 100% a personal choice. The only benefit to dating Healy is dating Healy. There's no other opportunity here, just the chance to spend time with and tacitly support a dirtbag.

(I know that she knows that "they're nice to me" does not magically make a shitty man a good person. You know how I know that? Because that's what she said during Scooter-gate. So there are no excuses here.)

She is a grown woman fully capable of cognitively processing the consequences of publicly supporting Healy. I don't care what she says in "Don't Blame Me", I am blaming her, because it's her own damn choice. She is making the choice, consciously and with no other benefits, to publicly take the side of someone known for racist and sexist behaviors.

And that's something that we can absolutely hold her accountable for.

Because at this point, supporting Swift is also tacitly affirming Healy's problematic behavior.

So how does this situation resolve?

There are 3 parties in this situation: Swift, Healy, and the fanbase. At least one of us has to step up and do better.

Swift could wake up, realize just how bad this is, and do better.

Healy could have an epiphany where he realizes just how bad his actions have been, and make a concerted effort to do better and make reparations.

We as a fanbase could walk away, because we are unwilling to tolerate the bullshit.

At this point, it seems kind of unlikely that wither Swift or Healy are going to change for the better. That leaves it up to us.

And now for the tricky part: deciding what to do as a fan.

Blech. It's easy enough to come to the conclusion that Swift's recent behavior has been unpalatable. It's harder to figure out what to do about that.

As fans, I know that there are a lot of emotions involved. There's the parasocial relationship that you want to hang onto; there's the importance her music may have played for you personally; there's basic appreciation for the technical construction of her work. And I know there's definitely the undying hope that maybe this is all a misunderstanding and maybe she really is better than this.

Either way, to me, there are 3 steps to getting clean from supporting problematic artists:

Stop public support. There's a time for silence, and there's a time to fucking speak now. Stop wearing merchandise, or repurpose it. Don't keep running a stan account as if nothing has happened.

Stop active financial support. Don't put money into her. Don't buy albums, merchandise, or concert tickets.

Stop passive financial support. That's streaming on Spotify, things where you might not be paying, but she's still getting money.

And then the final step is severing emotional connections. Stop singing her music for fun; stop listening to already-purchased music. I don't include this in the 3-step process because in my opinion, it's not a prerequisite to cut out a problematic artist's art to stop supporting the problematic artist (unless that art is reflective of their shittiness). What you choose to do in private without any interaction with the artist is your own business. It impacts no one but you if you continue listening to your existing downloads of Swift's music.

With all that in mind, for now, I'm not deactivating this blog. I'm going to let my queue finish itself off. And then I'm probably going to write a few reflections on some of her more questionable lyrics, because I do think there are some... interesting things in there that deserve to be discussed.

When all's said and done, though, this blog is probably going to go into indefinite hiatus, because I'm not interested in running a hate-blog, nor am I willing to continue running a fan-blog.

So. Yeah. That's where I'm at.

[vintage-bentley]

I’m gendercrit but holy hell I’m still shocked at how bad those comments were. I love how so many of the negative ones are like “as a polyace as a trans gay guy as an asexual,” go on to insist that PIV can be gay, when they have absolutely zero stake or should have any opinion on homosexuality at all. I’m also sure the author is probably gay or lesbian and they jumped on them for this - chastising them for being a bad gay basically, a bigot a terrible person, because having an opinion that’s absolutely 100% correct and based in the reality of sex and calling out homophobia is a sure fire way to get yourself crucified by people who appropriate shit. These people are batshit insane and hate gay people. Author should do an updated essay where they’re even more upfront and angry tbh especially since this GO attitude of ‘they’re not human they can mix match sex and still be gay” has literally spread to other fandoms with human gay couples and so where’s this excuse now? They don’t respect gay characters and they def don’t understand or share any common goals with actual gay ppl

The worst thing about those people acting like they have any say on topics about homosexuality, is that you can’t tell them otherwise without being told you’re some sort of phobic!! When it comes to all their made up issues, they have no problem saying “only ace people get an opinion!” But when it comes to actual real issues regarding homosexuals, suddenly it’s open to everyone. I wonder if it has to do with the way they’ve hijacked the word gay to no longer mean homosexual, but to instead mean “anyone who wants to call themselves gay to feel special”. As in, they think they’re gay because they want multiple partners, so they get a say in anything regarding gay people.

It’s even worse with “trans gays”…because you know damn well they’re literally homophobic heterosexuals…but you can’t tell them that unless you want to be called transphobic. And you know they won’t listen to you when you say “Aiden, you’re a homophobic straight woman, you get no say on this topic” because they’re so self-absorbed and so caught up in their own ideology that they don’t even listen to anyone who begins to invalidate their fantasy.

Point of that little rant is to say, it is so damn frustrating to see a bunch of non-homosexuals acting like their opinion holds the same weight as homosexuals when it comes to discussing our sexuality…and knowing that their ideology enables them so much that you can’t say anything about it, they’ll just tune you out. It’s frustrating to know that I can give my opinion as a homosexual, only to be overruled by a straight woman calling herself an “aromantic trans nonbinary man” who thinks her fake identities give her more say than me.

And yes, the backlash to the essay absolutely has to do with the idea of a (presumed) homosexual stepping out of line. These people see gays as pawns and objects they own, and hate to see us having our own voice that opposes theirs. Because they think they’re entitled to our agreement and compliance.

They’re also accustomed to being in a community where everyone has the same opinions, everyone claims they’re gay, and everyone validates them. So I think it’s an absolute shock to them when somebody they assume would be in this same boat, has a mind of their own. It’s like, “what? You’re supposed to be Mindless Genderist #200, especially because you’re gay! How could you betray our community like this?”

If the author is still around here and reading this, please please please write another essay, I will eat it up. The first one did a really good job of being respectful and not heavy-handed on the gender critical aspect, which I think is the reason it resonated with me. If it was explicitly a “terf” essay, all my critical thinking would’ve been shut down because Terf Bad. But because it was just laying out points with no belief system attached, I was able to go into it just as a homosexual and find my agreement that way, not swayed by any pressures to believe a certain ideology. But it would be great to read another one that is more firm and angry, because lord knows it would be more than justified.

And I’ve noticed that too, that the “they’re not human, so they can’t be gay” excuse has spread to other fandoms. It’ll just take different forms depending on what’s available in the media’s universe. So for example, in a universe with magic, the fandom will use the magic system as an excuse for why the characters can’t possibly be gay (but they can be anything else). In a universe without magic, it’ll be something like “well, these characters are so deep and complex, so it’s not good to limit them to a label like gay (but they can be anything else)”.

It’s very clear to me that it’s not actually about trying to find interesting and complex ways of worldbuilding like these fandoms claim. Because if that was the case, why would homosexuality need to be ruled out? Wouldn’t it be interesting to discuss how this very real and important experience fits in with the universe in question? Instead, this is clearly about how fandom has always been homophobic, and they’ve finally found an acceptable excuse for it. Why else would the focus constantly be on explaining why characters can’t possibly be gay?

[nicolashrooms]

for example, I felt way more comfortable stating I was asexual than aromantic. I think that's because they plant the idea in kids heads that you grow up find a partner and have kids.

whenever I'd imagine my future life it was always living in a house with all of my friends, and then a spouse was an afterthought.

I would think about how we'd sort out rooms in my future house and go "oh and also I guess my spouse would share a room with me, perhaps we could have bunk beds !!" which wasn't a very allo thing of me to do tbh-

my point is I've always kinda known I didn't want to get married (I said to my mother I'd wear a white hoodie and white jeans to my wedding-) but I always figured I'd find someone eventually, and that one day I would just grow up and find somebody.

That I'd feel these feelings I was told I should be feeling.

My friend groups as a kid consisted of mainly boys, they would run around and play in the mud or sit inside and play Pokémon battles, so I never really got asked if I had a crush on anyone.

When I got into high school, I felt a strong bond towards two of my closest friends at the time. I thought "Oh no, is it finally happening? Am I feeling romantic attraction??"

Turns out no.

They were just my absolute best friends who I wanted to hang out with constantly, and just because I thought they had pretty faces didn't mean I was romantically attracted to them.

I soon found out after a couple of years that (after a LOT of sex jokes from me) I was asexual.

I would often joke about sex and all if that junk, but I found out that just because you enjoy masturbating, doesn't mean you enjoy sex.

I then realised that (I'm an afab) I hate even the thought of a penis, and hate the idea of semen even more. I was kind of indifferent about vaginas because I myself have a vagina, but I came to The conclusion that, just because I had one myself, that doesn't mean I wish to come into contact with one.

So at this point I had figured out I was asexual, and felt comfortable telling my friends, because we often talk about gender and sexuality and such because we were all part of the community.

I had identified myself as pan because I had no preference for any gender, because no attraction at all must equal no preference right guys?

Anyway, I was at a friends house for their birthday, and I was one of the people who was asked to sleep over. They had 2 of their friends from before I even knew them staying over as well.

We watched movies late into the night, and then as we were watching beetlejuice (the 1988 movie) I was talking to my friend about whether or not I might be aromantic as well.

They told me to think of things that are considered romantic things to do, like kissing.

I did imagine this, and felt absolutely disgusted.

Like a shivers down my spine ew sort of thing.

I found out that night that I was aroace, first it was joy that I had finally found my label, then the crushing feeling that I was never going to find a spouse and have a wedding. Then I realised I didn't have to have a wedding (everyone always talks about how they're so expensive).

I figured if I was to get married it'd be to my best friend (one of the ones I had mentioned before) and I was okay with that.

Now that time feels like an eternity ago, and I'm very happy with my aroace label. I find joy in the aroace community of tumblr, I see so many experiences both similar and dissimilar to mine. It's so wonderful to see all these people so different yet all fall under one umbrella term, one singular label. The human race is so diverse in their experiences and emotions, and I think that's beautiful.

I hope all of you who read this to the very end found this at least a little helpful or entertaining, and I hope you all have a wonderful day !!

dedicated to one of the best aroace safe places on tumblr, @aroacesafeplaceforall

I hope you like my post dude :)

we're literally brainwashed to believe teenagers can't label themselves as aro/ace because "you're maybe too young to have crushes" when it's literally the age when hormones are like yk, if you don't get it as a teenager you probably just won't get it, or "you're too young to decide that, you'll probably change your mind anyways" you don't have to have your whole life complete to be able to label yourself as aro/ace, also, sexuality is fluid ! you can label yourself as aroace now and maybe later you don't feel as comfortable with the label as you did before and it's alright!!!

[asexualdiary]

Vaginismus, counseling, and $$$

Today was my counseling session, but before I get into that, I have some other updates too.

I always read the notes after appointments to see what the doctors say. Post transvaginal ultrasound, my doctor noted that during the appointment I had "significant vaginismus." This is a term that I had seen vaguely mentioned online when googling all this vagina nonsense, and he actually briefly used it during the appointment. He suggested a dilator to help.

Following this I had a period of depression. I cried myself to sleep a couple nights. Idk if that makes sense as something to get upset about, but I just couldn't understand WHY. It's enough to be aroace and have to go through all this IUI stuff just to have kids, but to have the experience be more painful than average on top of that?

Furthermore, upon reading about vaginismus, I saw many people protest profusely, "I am NOT asexual, I really do want sex." It was hard for me to find solace with anything I was reading. I don't fit in with aroaces because I want kids, I don't fit in with fellow Christians because I identify as aroace, I don't even fit in with people with vaginismus. I guess I just wanted someone to understand.

Things got a little better. I told my older sister about it and she was very sympathetic. She said she suddenly understood why I was never able to put in a tampon (because for her it feels like nothing.) She also said, "that's actually really sad," which made me feel better because it was like she was validating my feelings of sadness. I then went out to lunch with my friend (same day), and she told me that she has also struggled with vaginismus. So even though neither of these people were ace, they made me feel less alone.

_

So. Counseling session. I contacted the lady on the business card through voicemail, and expressed that I had to get the appointment because I was single. A no-nonsense British lady called me back, and the first thing she did was inform me, "This is NOT because you are single, everyone doing anything with fertility has to do one of these appointments." Honestly, I liked her immediately. (I will say that "because you are single" is exactly how my doctor phrased it to me.)

Today was the appointment, and wow, did I learn a lot. I had a pretty bad day at work, and weirdly enough, the appointment improved my mood somewhat for a little. Some highlights:

She made no assumptions about me and asked me specifically what I identify as, sexuality and gender-wise.

She clarified herself at one point that she knows asexual people can have relationships. I told her at this point I was aromantic too and she batted no eyes.

She made me reassess my family history a little bit. I had to disclose any mental or physical illness in my immediate family, and she was like, "Neither of your parents were mentally ill but both of your sisters are?" And all I could say was, "I guess so."

90% of the appointment was basically about how to talk to my donor child and pick a sperm donor. She told me that the research shows sperm donor kids like to be as similar to people in their family as possible. Meaning, I should pick a sperm donor who not only is similar to myself in personality, but also one who looks a lot like me.

She also stressed the importance of not lying to your child about their family history, and allowing them to know as much about their donor parent as possible. I wasn't really planning on lying anyway tho.

One interesting thing she said was that it's more likely than you think that my child will have half-siblings not too far away. Apparently, the same sperm banks are popular nationwide (she also gave me a list of a few sperm banks to look at, unlike my doctor.) So somebody else in my city may pick the exact same donor.

And she also told me this crazy story about a doctor in Indiana who was impregnating his donor patients with his own sperm without their consent. So an uncanny amount of kids in this town in Indiana were related. Soap opera plot!

-

Here's the concerning part: MONEY.

Sperm donors are only allowed to give out sperm to 25 families. So a donor you like may not be there tomorrow. In other words, they may "sell out."

It is therefore smart to buy a few vials of sperm at once, even if you end up getting pregnant on the first try. So every IUI session is going to need a different vial of sperm, which I will have to keep paying for again and again and again. Remember how expensive this sperm was? 1-3k? Yeaaaah...

She did point out that down the line, my sperm donor, their story, and why I picked them is going to be very important to the child. They're not going to want to hear "I went with the cheapest one." And she also said there is nothing more worth it. Which is all well and good, but I just don't know how much I can spare unless insurance helps me with this.

Speaking of insurance, I tried reaching out to them about codes and they did not get back to me. So I'm still in the dark about how expensive this whole shindig is going to be in total. Especially if I have to pay for the full cost of the sperm donor. This appointment today was $250.

Money was also my primary concern here, and I don't know what lies in store for me. I'm thinking I will just start with one vial, and then if I don't get pregnant first try, keep buying even with it's a different donor (when and only when I feel financially comfortable.) So this whole process could take a long, frugal while. Now it's more important than ever to contact insurance.

Money, money, money.

_

Next thing I have in store is my FL HSG to see if my tubes are unblocked. I brought this up to the lady and she said that since I've never been sexually active, it is very unlikely that my tubes are blocked since that's usually caused by an STD. And while there can be genetic abnormalities, since I have regular periods, it doesn't seem probable. So do I haaaaaaaaaaaave to do this? Considering it's so painful for me?

I go back and forth as to whether I'm excited or bewildered or depressed about this whole thing. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions lately. God, I give it all to you.

[strange-ghoul]

im... unwell. read tags

blood dripped down my body from my mouth. I couldn't identify where the pain was coming from, but it was somewhere.

I've thrown up multiple times by now. My body wracked with chills as I laid naked on the bathroom floor. I felt exposed, horrible, disgusting, but there I was. Alive. Somehow.

I crawled my way back to the toilet, throwing up again. The bile got onto my hair and stained my teeth, but I couldn't bring myself to take care of it. I had to get this... bug, out of my system.

The bug being something I didn't understand. It was a feeling in my chest, sinking into my stomach. It was something that began to take over my entire body, all the way to my brain. It made me feel deplorable, it made me feel like my body wasn't mine anymore. The urge to rip aspects of my body off were becoming more and more apparent, where soon I knew impulse control would fail.

Would it be so bad to take a knife to my chest, forever securing the feeling of steel and blood to me? Would it be so bad to take off what has hurt me?

I thought back to the bridge nearby. Maybe it's easier there. Maybe if I fall, I'll be okay. Maybe the darkness would hold me and coddle me, love me until even my memories became dust.

Nobody would be there, and it was night already; does a tree really make sound when it falls, even if nobody was there to hear it?

I crawled back to the side of the bathtub, tears already falling down my face again. Everything on my body felt like it was aching and burning.

How hard was it to be cared for? How hard was it for somebody to reach out to you and hold you? Even if it was metaphorically, even if it was just a writing, why was it so hard to be loved?

I can't feel love the same as others. I don't understand romance, I don't feel it. Neither do I understand human touch.

Was it because I was scarred from it? Was the abuse I endured just enough for me to swear it off wholly?

Or was it just me. Am I aromantic? Asexual? I think so. I have no desire for either, even if I acted that I did.

But did this mean I didn't deserve love?

It sure felt like it.

I took a shaky breath in, coughing out a sob. every tear hurt my head more and more, but I couldn't stop. The cold tiles below me now didn't give me any comfort, only resentment.

I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be held in some type of way. I wanted someone to hold me by the face and tell me they loved me unconditionally, even if I was stuck in a body that wasn't mine.

I need somebody to tell me that everything isn't for nothing. That I am smart, that I am okay, that I am worth more than what teachers, parents, and peers thought of me.

The work I produce from my hands- it's all a lie. I've convinced myself every comment was just a pity party. Who'd look at my creations and genuinely think anything good of it? They all had so many flaws which were irredeemable in my eyes. These people- They were my friends, my family- they just had to be being respectful, there was no way they could feel this way towards anything I wrote. It was wrong.

I don't deserve what I get from those works. I don't deserve the support I get. I don't deserve anything. I feel horrible getting it too- wasn't I supposed to feel prideful when my worked was commented on and loved? So why did I feel a stab of pang, why did I feel like I was never good enough to deserve those words?

Could it all trail back to my self-loathing that had already manifested itself within me?

... i don't know.

I don't feel right in this body of mine. It feels broken and unsustained. I look myself in the mirror and I don't believe it's mine. I can't recognize that face- I don't know who that is. I'm told over and over again it's mine, but it's like I can't compute that.

Perhaps that's why I couldn't understand anyone caring about me beyond the thin layer. Perhaps that's why I couldn't accept compliments about literally anything I've ever done.

... but I'm unsure if this is right.

I just wished I was loved, but I fear even then I'll think it's all pity. As I think everything is. Because, in essence,

Who'd give a shit about me?

My eye lids are heavy; even through the glaring lights of the bathroom was sleep slowly over taking me. I'll wake up tomorrow and regret everything I've ever said and done in regard to my mental health. I'll convince myself all over again that I don't need help and I am simply over dramatic. Tomorrow morning, I'll convince myself I am fine, and nothing will be wrong. And then I'll continue on pushing these thoughts, doubts, and self-hatred aside for another night similar to this one.

I place bets on myself occasionally- will this be the night I'm found dead, or will I hate myself for ever thinking I was anything but a fraud and nuisance?

[deepstarrynight]

F*ck Ace ‘Discourse’

Can I just say how fucking much I hate ace ‘discourse’? 

Continue reading to see my rant and me debunking all the claims I could find that ace ‘discourse’ makes.

Let’s begin with the fact that it’s inherently wrongly named. I refuse to call it ‘discourse’ Discourse means (off Google) “written or spoken communication or debate.” or “speak or write authoritatively about a topic.” The second definition might work, but I’ll get into how it doesn’t later. However. The first definition, the noun one, cannot compare with what I saw when I searched ace discourse to help me gather evidence to write this rant. ‘Communication or debate’ No. This is not a debate. This is a bunch of terfs, acephobes, exclusionists, etc. people mainly bashing cis heteroromantic ace people.

You (aphobes) say cis heteroromantic ace people aren’t LGBT? How about we first talk about how you’re using the wrong terminology. It’s not LGBT it’s LGBTQ+ because the first one is pan/poly/aro/ace/agender/nonbinary/queerphobic. Second, actually, cis heteroromantic asexual people fit perfectly into the LGBTQ+ community. LGBTQ+ people are anyone who isn’t heterosexual, heteroromantic, and cisgender, meaning all three of those at the same time. Asexuality ≠ heterosexuality, making cis heteroromantic asexual people LGBTQ+. You say that because they experience a little bit of sexual attraction (demi, gray, etc.) to the opposite sex they’re not LGBTQ+? That’s known as acespec, because it doesn’t necessarily fit into the no-attraction box, but it’s still a form of asexuality. It’s just on the spectrum. It doesn’t matter whether or not the attraction is hetero, it’s still ace at heart, and Acespec ≠ hetero.

You say sex-favourable aces aren’t ace because to be ace you have to be sex-averse? Let’s, again, talk about terminology. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, and an asexual (commonly abbrieviated as ace) may or may not experience romantic attraction because sexual attraction ≠ romantic attraction. Asexuality is about a complete lack of sexual attraction or only experiencing it under a specific category, not whether you like sex or not. All the sex-favourable/averse/neutral/ambiguous is your opinion on sex and is completely separate from whether you are ace or not.

You say hetero/homo/pan/bi/poly/etc-romantic aces aren’t ace because ace is about feeling zero attraction? Asexuality and all sexualities in general are about sexual attraction not romantic attraction. These two are different, and in some cases orientations don’t match up along the two spectrums. This is valid. It boils down to this, and you can look at a reblogged post about the differences between feeling and not-feeling sexual attraction if you want, sexual attraction is a specific ‘I want to have sex with you’ and romantic attraction is a specific ‘I want to kiss you, date you, dowhateverIconsiderromantic with you’. Some aces are aro (aromantic - not experienceing romantic attraction) and some are alloromantic (a term used in the ace community-NOT DEROGATORY although sometimes used in jokes-to describe someone who experiences romantic attraction) but they’re all still ace. Again, your definition is wrong, and causes this opinion. You disagree with the SAM, aka the thing I just described above? Have you ever felt attraction to somebody, just wanting to be their friend, separate of romantic/sexual attraction and to this person was a gender you aren’t romantically or sexually attracted to (you could have been any age, even 7 [and for pan people just a personality you aren’t usually sexually/romantically attracted to])? That’s platonic attraction and you just proved the SAM exists and is a real thing.

You think ace people are homophobic? You have a point, the general community can make some comments that are hard to understand and some that are just plain homophobic. I can’t defend the latter, one because I literally can’t it’s just wrong, and two because I refuse to. However, comments saying that ‘we wish you had less a focus on sex’ are understandable if you’re willing to try to understand, and honestly it’s hard to explain even as an ace person. Your wishes to have gay sex more prominent and understood are valid and honestly I support that and I think the community does too. Allosexualnormativity, for lack of a real word, is really oppressive as well. Because whenever we see a comment in the LGBTQ+ community chats or wikis about how everybody loves sex, sex is awesome-the best thing, etc, something tells us we’re not welcome. Even sex-favourable aces can feel this way. You think ace culture is toxic? Maybe, maybe not. For us, society is toxic.

You think that asexual gay people are just hiding their internalized homophobia and that ace people are trying to corrupt young people into identifying as ace at 12? Let’s start with the first one. I’m certain that’s true for some people, but definitely not all. Internalized homophobia is a big problem that can severely damage people’s lives and self-esteem. Acephobia is also a big problem, because every day we are somehow told that we shouldn’t exist, even by some other parts of the LGBTQ+ community. How about the latter? Let me ask you a question-when did you first start experiencing sexual attraction? 12? 14? 17? Well, guess what? The age has consistently been getting younger and younger, because puberty is also starting earlier and earlier. And the time that most people start experiencing it, is usually the time that aces find out that they are ace. And the closer they find out to that moment, the less time there is for them to feel bad about themselves, like there is something wrong with them. That’s not corruption.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

All right, people, that’s my rant. And by the way, if I find out any of the people I follow or follow me are aphobic, I’ll block you. If you have any other ideas, reblog and tag me, I’ll repost here and keep it going! And to my fellow aros: We did it! We (hopefully) survived another Valentine’s Day!!

[thepancakewitch]

say hello to my beautiful new centaur guardian Helios ( she/her )

long winded ramble about ptsd/trauma below cut

tw: pedophilia mention; abuse mention

So from reading the CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, I've tried to make myself a guardian type figure again. I don't really trust parents and unfortunately my real guardians growing up were 20-30 somethings. Like I can't really even picture a mom or a dad figure actually caring for me. My mom actively abused me, my dad either denied what happened or was gone.

So Helios sort of took shape and she's been helping me through a lot of my flashbacks. She's an endless pool of love as well as an active bodyguard against danger. I have to say since doing this, I really... don't feel like I need someone to save me if I save myself.

I think a lot of people with trauma could really benefit from making a guardian for themselves, esp if they're known to look for rescuers. I used to fall into this camp a lot and it got me into more abuse time and time again. Since I'm giving myself what I want, it's given me a solid foundation and I feel like I can love fully again. It's weird but hey lol, can't have mommy or daddy issues if you become your own parent. <:3 duh

I used to confuse my sexuality and romantic preferences with my overwhelming desire to find someone who could save me from myself.

I know I'm aromantic and asexual now, however, I'm able to see it and it's much more nuanced than it used to be. Hypersexuality is still a thing but it's more contained within myself. Sex is back to being a joke and perhaps something to partake in with myself or my wife. Still working up to it but I'm much more comfortable with it.

It also made me realize I'm farrr more gay than I thought I was. I used to look to men as a rescuer because they're strong and all that other stereotype, when in reality I just don't really.... feel anything for them lol. I still feel a lot of hatred and resentment but it's different now.

Idk I usually wouldn't share this kind of stuff but I felt it was necessary for myself to mark it. I hope it helps somebody else too.

[essays-nobody-needed]

Comp het in asexuals (pt 1)

I’ve seen a lot of information on how compulsory heterosexuality may play out for lesbians (the lesbian masterdoc is a wonderful resource), but I don’t see it mentioned much in relation to the asexual/aromantic community. Maybe it’s because other people came to these conclusions much faster than me, but for anybody out there questioning or needing some ace validation, here is a breakdown of the sections of the lesbian masterdoc and how I’ve found myself relating to them as an aroace.

Attraction to [the opposite gender] I spent most of high school thinking I was incredibly attracted to men. I had a crush on one guy after another, and “agonized” over how they never liked me back. These crushes would only develop after somebody else started joking about how I liked them. I’d move on almost immediately after realizing they didn’t reciprocate, and I almost intentionally self-sabotaged myself. Out of my seven major high school crushes, two were long distance, two were clearly emotionally unavailable, and two later came out as queer. I actually wound up dating the seventh, and I broke up with him in less than a month. It was a weird time for me- I had spent years fantasizing about a relationship like this, but now that I had one, it felt horribly wrong, which brings us to...

Relationships with [the opposite gender] I could not explain why I felt so uncomfortable in this relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on what my boyfriend was doing wrong, or what I was doing wrong. I felt like I was attracted to him, but I was grossly uncomfortable every time we did anything more than platonic. We held hands, he bought me candy flowers, we had a decent banter, and I hated every second of it. There was something about the way he was attracted to me. He looked at me like he wanted to marry me and have my children one day, and I knew that I never wanted to do that the way he seemed to want to. I loved having somebody to flaunt, I loved the social approval that having a boyfriend gave me, but I felt like I was using him for that. It was very clear to me that I wouldn’t ever be able to feel the same way about him that he felt about me, but I really struggled to break up with him because I loved the social affirmation.

Sex and intimacy I actually came to terms with being aromantic a long time before I finally accepted that I was ace. I was sure that I had to be allosexual with a fear of commitment. I loved reading about intimacy in books. I often fantasized about teasing men. I went through a brief period where I thought I was more repulsed by being the bottom than by sex itself. I was only really comfortable if I held the entirety of the power in the situation, but even then, I viewed it as something I’d tolerate, not actively want. I went through a period where I considered using sex as a form of self harm- which could also be attributed to purity culture within the church I grew up in. I didn’t grow confident in my identity as an asexual until I wound up in a relationship with another woman. I loved her greatly as a friend, and the intimacy that we shared was incredibly cathartic to me, but I never actively enjoyed kissing her. It was boring, messy, and inconvenient. I knew she enjoyed it, but I would rather have done almost anything else. Fantasizing about it was great, but the action itself seemed dull and pointless. It was fine, I just didn’t see what other people got so excited about. I was having a conversation with a friend who had grown up in the same church environment that I had, and she mentioned that she would have sex on a particular day if she could. That took me by surprise. I had always viewed sex as something that would just unconsciously happen. As a vague option for the future, it seemed great, but I couldn’t see myself ever reaching a point in my life where I would be comfortable looking at a schedule and going “yes, I think having sex this week could be fun”.

The rest of the lesbian masterdoc largely explores specifically lesbian issues. Go check it out. I’ll have a second part to this post up soon exploring some specifically asexual issues soon, so if you’re still confused, feel free to use that as a resource as well. I hope this has shed some light on some things for you. :)

[departednightmare]

If you're really aroace, then the internalised aphobia here is strong enough to crush a fully-grown whale. Holy shit.

Why did I assume you're allo? I dunno mate, might be because you're being aphobic. Not a massive leap of logic to assume that someone being phobic towards one group probably isn't a part of said group.

We've also got to consider how you seem to be following your own advice and presenting yourself as allo. After reading your reblog, I double-checked your blog description and pinned post for any hints of asexuality that I might have previously missed due to my not snooping. It shouldn't surprise you to know I didn't find a blip of asexuality or aromanticism in relation to you there. "it’s so much easier to just… avoid the damn topic compared to gay people." With your apparent aroace status in mind, it's clear now that you were speaking from experience.

...Except it hasn't been easy, has it? Look at you. You hate everyone -- it's even your blog description! "hating everyone, one at a time. if i haven’t gotten to you yet i will don’t worry" Has it crossed your mind that, perhaps, suppressing your own identity has caused frustration to build up over time, leaving you lashing out in anger at anything and everything around you? Because that's what it looks like from the outside.

Because speaking as someone who has been in denial of her identity, and is now in the process of dropping hints so that when I eventually come out, the idea is already in people's heads... suppressing asexuality is not a case of "there’s nothing to suppress". It's hard. A part of you is locked up, wanting to be seen, but because the world doesn't understand asexuality properly, you have to curb the urge to just up and say it. If you're open about it, you run the risk of losing friendships and family forever. So you're stuck lying to the people you consider friends and family, never knowing if they'd stay if they knew you're not the allo you're presenting yourself to be. You can never truly trust them. You can never truly, honestly, reciprocate when they call you their best friend, or favourite niece, or beloved son. Because you know that could all change in an instant. You're trapped in a perpetual state of "I'm loved... but am I really?"

And then there's "just… avoid(ing) the damn topic" in romantic relationships. You can't. At some point, you'll have to A) let yourself be raped by an unknowing assailant in order to maintain your ruse, or B) come out and say it.

...But no, you're right. Hiding asexuality is easy. Nothing to suppress. Nope, nothing. No feelings to be hurt either. That's why you got upset when I assumed you were allo, even though you never mentioned your status as an aroace -- not in the post, not in your blog title, not even in your pinned post where you bluntly state your gatekeep-y opinions on LGBTQIA+ matters. Because it doesn't matter if people think you're allo, right?

"i’m asexual and aromantic mate."

...until they start accusing you of aphobia, I guess. Then you've gotta hammer in how extreme your asexuality is ("i believe asexuality is strictly no attraction and no sexual desire") to assert dominance.

Onto your actual "points"...

Point 1 and 2:

These two points both just seem to be you asserting your belief on what asexuality is/isn't, so I'll address them collectively.

You are entitled to your own personal beliefs. However, they conflict with official definitions of asexuality.

The Trevor Project definition: "Asexual/Ace: Commonly used to describe someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction. Some people on the asexual spectrum desire sexual intimacy, while others do not." They also acknowledge demi and grey as identities here.

Stonewall.org seems to both agree and disagree with you on one level, and totally contradict you on another. On one, they say that "Somebody who is asexual does not experience sexual attraction to anyone." but they also say in the previous paragraph that "Asexuality is a spectrum". On another page, they also say "‘Ace’ is an umbrella term used specifically to describe a lack of, varying, or occasional experiences of sexual attraction. This encompasses asexual people as well as those who identify as demisexual, grey ace, and other ace-spec identities."

So according to Stonewall, you're both right and wrong on the point that "asexuality is strictly no attraction and no sexual desire. little attraction exists but i do not classify that under asexuality". It completely refutes your pinned post claim that "asexuality/ aromanticism isn’t a spectrum, not inherently lgbt" (the latter point of which is refuted by both sites).

Point 3:

I'm assuming you get bullied for your own interest in "underground gore films".

Firstly, this is hardly a fair comparison. You might as well compare the struggles faced by black people in America to your struggles completing a souls-like game.

Secondly... "asexuals aren’t governed in an unfair and cruel way"? So you believe it's fair and uncruel for asexuals to have serious health concerns such as cancer disregarded in favour of "fixing" their asexuality? "asexuals aren’t prevented from having opportunities"? So when an employer doesn't consider an asexual-and-out person for a promotion purely because he doesn't like their orientation and can get away with discriminating because asexuality (or a lack of sexual orientation) isn't legally a protected characteristic, you believe the asexual person isn't being denied opportunities based purely on their sexual orientation? "asexuals have freedom with their sexuality"? Then why do so many of us feel constrained when we can't freely acknowledge our sexuality or lack thereof due to it not being safe for us to do so?

(And this isn't even getting into the mess that asexuals would face in third-world countries. Or do you think that the people who stone women for showing hair, or for loving other women, would be chill with the idea of someone not wanting to perform their "marital duties"?)

Point 4:

Again, massive internalised aphobia. I've addressed most of this elsewhere already, but:

"hiding asexuality is just literally not talking about it. hiding homosexuality is not being able to be yourself."

I could counter this simply by saying "hiding homosexuality is just literally not talking about it. Hiding asexuality is not being able to be yourself." Because it'd be just as true. A homosexual could, theoretically, hide their gayness by simply not talking about it. Relationships aren't mandatory, after all.

Except people tend to want closeness with others, be it sexual, romantic, or platonic in nature. The Secret Gay will want to engage in sexual or romantic activities with members of the same sex, and suppressing this will lead to them feeling unfulfilled. The Secret Asexual will generally want to engage in platonic and/or romantic activities with others, and suppressing this will lead to them feeling unfulfilled.

Given that romantic relationships are expected to have a sexual element, it would be very, very difficult (and potentially traumatising) for an asexual to participate in these while also keeping their identity hidden. Either they come out or they're left alone and craving again. And as for platonic relationships, it comes down to what I said earlier about trust again. How can you truly trust someone when you don't know if they'd still love you if they knew about the part of you you're keeping hidden?

On top of all that, asexuality is an experience, same as any other sexual orientation. An asexual perceives the world differently to an allosexual just as a gay man perceives it differently to a straight man. Even disregarding others' reactions to your orientation, that inherent queerness is always there, shaping your thoughts and altering your perception of others and your reactions to them. It is a part of you, rooted deep inside, inseperable.

As an aroace, you should already be aware of this. That you deny there's anything within us to be suppressed is both interesting and alarming.

Point 5:

I'm genuinely not sure what your point was supposed to be here. Yeah, if someone's decent they'll respect your boundaries in regards to sex. But many people aren't decent, are they?

Yeah, both asexuals and celibate people may state boundaries in regards to sex. But those two identities aren't the same -- one genuinely has no interest and the other is suppressing interest -- and people's reactions are always going to reflect that.

Because make no mistake, if you tell a potential partner that "if we’re in a relationship, it’s strictly no sex and please respect that", they will ask why. Because you're barring them from something that they want, and so naturally, they'll want to know why. Even if they're a closeted asexual themselves, they'll want to know if you're like them or something else -- if you might change your mind and stop being safe. Their final stance on your boundary will be based entirely on how you explain or hide your asexuality in this moment... and then of course, there are the freaks who'll tell you "Well, one night with me and that won't be a problem anymore" regardless of what you do.

It's not a case of "oh im cool with no sex lets hug" or "nah i need sex bye". People are too complex and curious for it to ever be that simple.

Your Tags (which I'm addressing here because it didn't fit well anywhere else):

"#like i already said in my original post there’s violence in ignorance and misinformation but it’s not called oppression" "#or aphobia"

...So committing acts of violence against asexuals due to their asexuality isn't aphobia? What is it then? Acist? Douchebaggery? Perfectly-Understandable-Have-A-Good-Day?

"#and you’re proving my point by calling whatever i said aphobia"

You told asexuals to hide and suppress their identities (while also claiming there's nothing to suppress), essentially called them "whining" pussies for not wanting to be dehumanised, claimed that any rape they face as a consequence of coming out is a "boundaries" thing and has nothing to do with their identity, tagged your original post with "#asexuals are doo doo dumb"and posted a video of some bloke unironically taking the piss out of them for not wanting to be treated like shit. Yes, that's aphobia.

Point 6:

Well done, you had instagram followers.

"i couldn’t handle the whining and the constant expansion of the 'umbrella'"

Well, do what you claim is so easy then. Don't talk about it. Then people like me won't find your little bitch-fits and point out "whine about" the flaws in your reasoning. You sound like one of those heavy metal elitists. "Grr, this music isn't as heavy as [insert obscure underground Atmospheric-Blackened-Death-Doom band here], it's not real metal!" Except you're doing with with the ace umbrella instead.

In all seriousness though, I hope that someday you manage to calm down and accept who you are, and recognise that other people can be similar to you but different. It sounds to me like you're incredibly dissatisfied with yourself and with life. "hating everyone, one at a time. if i haven’t gotten to you yet i will don’t worry" isn't the statement of a contented individual who's at peace with their identity. Which leads me to one final point, actually...

"there’s also cases of people who are troubled by their lack of attraction (...) therefore therapy is needed"

Please take your own advice. If I can tell at a glance that you're deeply troubled, then I can't even begin to imagine what your state of mind looks like in person. Please look after yourself and get help.

Sincerely, A fellow zero-attraction asexual

Asexuals aren’t oppressed

Nah seriously no asexual experiences systemic oppression.

“Asexuals are dehumanised.” And why do random people’s opinions matter to you? What can they do to harm you other than say: “That’s not real.”

Well sure maybe you’re discriminated against when you bring up your sexuality but it’s so much easier to just… avoid the damn topic compared to gay people.

A lot of shitty reactions are just shitty words. The shittiest reaction is rape and that’s horrid for sure. But that’s not an asexual thing. Tbh, imo, It’s a boundaries thing that non asexual people like celibates or sex repulsed individuals also experience.

“Aphobia” is something that can be so easily ignored instead of whining about it. Like it’s just one singular person, why are you allowing these people to make your entire life miserable?

Violence caused by ignorance and a dismissive attitude is real, but it shouldn’t be considered “oppression” in any way, shape or form.

[buoyantsaturn]

I got too high again (realized I can’t not be with you) (1/1)

summary: “Okay, so, one time Leo got drunk when we were both at this party, and he sat on my lap, and it was all I could think about for two months. I had myself convinced that I was in love with him until the next time he accidentally set himself on fire in front of me.”

word count: 2318

read on ao3

With their busy class schedules, Nico and Hazel had to make time to see each other, despite sharing an apartment. They reserved Friday nights for each other, however that meant - watching TV or a movie, and sometimes ordering pizza, then usually staying up too late just to talk.

They were lounging on the couch in their living room with the TV playing some Halloween show that they were both mildly interested in and only half paying attention to when Nico’s phone started buzzing in his hands. Nico didn’t sit up from his slouch when he accepted the Facetime request, and Will’s face popped up on the screen, smiling big.

“Nico!” Will exclaimed, causing Hazel to eye him from across the couch. He wasn’t breaking any sacred sibling bonding time rules - she was simply curious to see what it was about.

“Hi, Will,” Nico said, unable to stop a small smile from blooming on his lips. “What’s up?”

“Oh man, Nico, it’s so nice outside,” Will told him as he was making his way inside his own apartment. “Cecil and I were just outside, uh, you know. Enjoying the fresh air.” He winked, and Nico snorted as Will started to ramble about something else entirely.

Hazel nudged him with her foot, causing Nico to glance over to her as she mouthed the words, Is he high?

Nico grinned and nodded, replying, He’s very high.

“Hey, I can see you!” Will said, and when Nico looked back at him, he saw Will pouting, now laying back on his bed.

“I know you can,” Nico replied, turning his body and tilting the camera so that he and Hazel were both in frame. “Say hi to Hazel!”

Will returned to his bright and beautiful smile, waving as he said, “Hi, Hazel!”

“Hi, Will,” Hazel said, waving back.

Nico returned to his slouch, the camera pointed only on him once more. “So… what’s up?”

Will’s eyes lit up. “Oh! Nico, babe, I have something very, very important to talk to you about.” His next few words were unintelligible as he moved around, apparently trying to find some way to prop up his phone while he was talking, meaning that Nico missed out on most of Will’s very important topic. He was pretty sure Will was talking about video games, so it likely wasn’t a huge loss. Or maybe it was Star Wars? Or a Star Wars video game. Really, with Will, any of those topics was equally as plausible. Nico tried to nod along regardless.

“Hey, Will?” Nico said gently.

“Yeah, babe?” Will’s eyes shot back to the screen, eager to listen to whatever Nico had to say.

Nico smiled and leaned his head against the pillow beside him - it was the rainbow pillow pet Hazel had gotten him for Christmas a few years back. “Why’d you call?”

Will smiled back just as soft, rolling onto his side and snuggling into his own pillow, as though trying to imagine for himself that he and Nico were laying side by side. “I just wanted to see you, and be like--” He held up a peace sign. “What’s up! I’m intoxicated.”

Nico tried to suppress his laughter, but he wasn’t doing a very good job of it the way Will appeared to light up with pride. “Okay, well, Hazel and I are watching a show right now, so I’m gonna go, okay? But I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Bye, Neeks!” Will said, and he blew Nico a kiss before Nico could end the call.

Nico set his phone down and turned his attention back to the TV, though just as he did, the image froze. With a frown, he looked to Hazel who had the remote in her hand, and was staring right back at him.

“So,” she said. “Will.”

“What about him?”

Hazel grinned. “He likes you.”

“No he doesn’t--”

“He called you babe.”

Nico rolled his eyes. “That’s just a thing people call each other.”

“No, girls call each other babe. Guys definitely do not call each other babe.” Hazel nudged him with her foot again. “He likes you.”

“He just gets more affectionate when he’s high,” Nico told her, waving it off, “and he is... frequently high.”

Hazel’s head tilted to the side. “About that...should we be concerned?”

Nico shrugged. “Cecil’s just a bad influence on him, but Will can handle himself. He’s not, like, dumb about it.”

“Right,” she nodded. “Dumb like...kinda like how you’re acting right now?”

Nico kicked her back with a bit more force than she’d used on him. “Rude.”

“It’s not rude if I’m stating a fact. And if you would act on your feelings, then I wouldn’t have to point out how dumb you are.” She punctuated the statement with a shrug.

Nico huffed. “I don’t know how to act on my feelings. I don’t even know what I’m feeling.”

“You like him,” Hazel said, as if it was obvious.

Nico crossed his arms over his chest, though rather than looking defiant, he almost looked like he was hugging himself. “I mean...maybe. What do I know? Clearly I’m not great at recognizing my own feelings...let alone others.”

Hazel straightened out a leg and set her foot on Nico’s knee. For some reason, she thought that that was a comforting gesture. Nico didn’t feel the same. “Okay, yes, you had one very bad experience, but…everybody makes mistakes! And being with what’s-his-face helped you figure some things out - admittedly in what is literally the worst way possible - but now you’re a very out and proud asexual man! And I’m so happy that you were able to come to that conclusion, but there’s another side to that coin that I think you’ve been ignoring.”

Nico frowned, meeting his sister’s eyes once again. “But what if I haven’t been ignoring it? What if I’m aromantic, too?”

Hazel hesitated. “Oh. Um. I mean, you never pegged me as aromantic, but...maybe? You did tell me you were gay, so that’s what I’ve been going with.”

Nico’s nose scrunched up in discomfort. “Yeah, but that’s just because the idea of being with a girl in any sense is disgusting to me. No offense. With guys I feel more...neutral. Or maybe it is a positive feeling, and I just don’t know the difference.”

Hazel allowed a moment to process his words before she spoke again. “Okay. Let’s try something. When you think of Will, what comes to mind?”

Nico shrugged again. “I guess...he’s nice? He’s nice to look at, and he’s funny, and--”

“No, no,” Hazel waved a hand at him, cutting him off. “Not like that. Don’t tell me about him, but, like… What kind of thoughts do you have about him? If you picture the two of you spending time together, what do you imagine? Do you think of it as more traditionally romantic, like a date, or more platonic?”

Nico frowned down at his lap in thought. “I have no idea. Can you give me, like, a scenario?”

“You’re watching a movie.”

Nico closed his eyes and bowed his head, but there was a crease in his forehead that told of his frustration. “Okay, so… We’re sitting on the couch, and we’re sitting close together...because there’s only one bowl of popcorn.”

Hazel sighed. “Forget the popcorn. Are you still close to each other? Are you holding hands? Any sort of cuddling?”

Nico’s eyes snapped open, shooting a glare across the couch. “Well, now, yeah! You’re making me think of it!”

“Sorry!” She held her hands up defensively. “Then have you ever imagined cuddling with Will?”

Nico took a deep breath, and it looked like most of his frustration left with his exhale. “Yeah, sure, but… Okay, so, one time Leo got drunk when we were both at this party, and he sat on my lap, and it was all I could think about for two months. I had myself convinced that I was in love with him until the next time he accidentally set himself on fire in front of me.”

“Have you ever thought about kissing him?”

“Leo?” Nico’s nose scrunched up again. “Ew. No.”

Hazel rolled her eyes. “No, stupid. I meant Will.”

“Oh.” Nico averted his gaze. “Maybe once or twice, yeah.”

“Have you ever thought about having sex with him?”

Nico buried his face in his hands and groaned, “Ew, Hazel, please.”

She folded her arms over her chest. “This shouldn’t be a difficult question.”

“Fine, yes, alright?” Nico snapped, throwing his arms down. “And then I went down a shame spiral because even in my own imagination, I couldn’t go through with it! And Imaginary Will always got pissed at me for leading him on, and left!”

Hazel winced. “In your daydream?”

He huffed. “I’m not exactly emotionally stable.”

“Okay, back to my point: it sounds to me like you want a romantic relationship with Will.”

“Do I?” Nico argued. “Or do I just want to reach that stage of friendship where it’s not weird for me to hug him whenever I want? Like, is that even an option?” He paused, though not long enough to allow Hazel to reply. “Did I ever tell you that I thought I had a crush on Frank when you two first started dating?”

Hazel’s jaw dropped. “You what?”

“I don’t, and I don’t think I ever actually did,” Nico assured her, “but the two of you were always spending time together, and you were always holding hands or hugging or...you know, physically affectionate, or whatever. And I thought I was jealous of you! Just because you got to hug Frank all the time, and I didn’t! And then I realized that I… I just wanted to be hugged by somebody.”

Hazel still looked a little shocked, but she shook her head as if to clear the thoughts from her mind. “Come here.”

Nico shot her a look.

“Just come here.” She patted her lap, and Nico rolled his eyes. He scooted closer on the couch and then turned and tipped over until he was laying on his back with his head resting on Hazel’s thigh. “Close your eyes.” Once he did, Hazel started running her fingers through his hair. “How does this feel?”

“Fine,” he answered automatically, and then a moment later, “Good, whatever.”

Hazel hummed. “Do you wish you were with Will right now, instead of me?”

“For this awkward conversation? Hell, no.”

She tugged on a clump of hair, causing Nico to flinch at the unexpected sensation. “Don’t be a jerk. I’m trying to help.”

“Fine. Yeah, I wish I was with Will right now,” he admitted. “But that’s just because you’re doing this out of love. You have to love me, because you’re my sister, but if Will loved me, it’d be by choice.”

“You know I love you by choice, right?”

Nico’s eyes slid open, and he looked up at her. “I know. I love you by choice, too.”

She went back to stroking his hair, and Nico’s eyes closed once more. “And you know that Will already likes you, like, a lot. Friends don’t just call to see each others’ faces. Maybe if you would give him whatever sign he needs so he knows he can ask you out--”

“He already has,” Nico muttered.

Hazel gasped. “He what?”

Nico exhaled heavily, and looked down at his hands as he started picking at his fingernails. “He asked me out once, and I panicked and asked him if I could think about it - because, believe it or not, my head was even more jumbled back then.”

Hazel glared down at him. “When is back then?”

Nico mumbled something in reply.

“Nico--”

“Two months ago!”

“Two months?” Hazel swatted at the top of his head. “Nico! You’re leading him on!”

“I know,” he groaned.

“You have to stop, that’s not fair to him!”

“I know it’s not!” Nico shouted, suddenly sounding close to tears, waving his hands around frantically as if gesticulating would help him to better express what he was trying to say. “But I can’t figure myself out because there’s… There’s something wrong with me!”

“There is nothing wrong with you,” Hazel insisted.

Nico let out an angry puff of breath and glared at his sister. “I can’t feel emotions, Hazel. That’s not normal.”

“You can too feel emotions. You’re angry and frustrated right now. Those are emotions. Sadness is an emotion. Happiness is an emotion. You’re not a robot, Neeks, you just don’t know how to define your feelings. You haven’t had the same experiences as other people, so you have to learn how to recognize things in ways that other people don’t. You can’t recognize romantic love because you haven’t experienced it yet, and you’re not going to experience it until you try. Why not try with someone like Will? Someone who’s nice, and handsome, and makes you laugh, and who already feels some amount of love for you.”

Nico seemed to notice that his argument had lost steam. “I think ‘love’ is a strong word,” he said plainly.

“I think I’ve seen the way he looks at you,” Hazel shot back. “And the way he talks about you, and the way he acts when you’re around.”

Nico sat up. “Now you’re making me anxious.”

“I’m sorry,” Hazel told him earnestly, setting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it gently. “Just don’t count yourself out before you even try, okay?”

Nico nodded. “Okay. Can we go back to the show now?” Hazel reached for the remote and resumed the episode. With his back still turned to her, Nico continued, “And can we...have a sleepover tonight?”

“Of course,” Hazel answered softly. “My room or yours?”

“Yours, if that’s okay.”

“Sure.” She paused. “Do you need a hug?”

Nico was wrapped up in her arms before he could even get a word out.

thanks for reading!

buy me coffee | more auctober stuff

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

God people need to up their reading comprehension skills. No where in your original post did u say it was specifically an aspec thing. This is so frustrating. If they took two minutes to read through it they would know that. I hope you have a nice day! Also I love your blog!

Link to the original post!

Thank you!

It's occured to me that with regards to the conversion therapy issue (that they Keep. Bringing. Up. despite it literally being mentioned in one sentence, during which I explain that I am not going to talk about it in that particular post) I may have messed up with my terminology. But I'm honestly not sure.

Many aspec people report attempts to 'fix' them through therapy, since people have a habit of assuming that asexuality and aromanticism (because yeah, that post was for aromantics too. Including alloaros, despite attempts to frame it as purely an 'ace post') is a medical condition. Some are asked— or made, especially in the case of minors— when they come out, and others experience it after coming out to a therapist that they are seeing for other reasons.

This sucks, because somebody trying to therapy you out of your sexuality always sucks, and it makes it harder and more stressful for mentally ill aspecs and aspecs who have suffered trauma to find care.

At the same time though, this is still a much bigger issue for the gay, bi and trans communities, not least because the 'Gay Conversion Therapy' offered by some organisations in the US often involves literally torturing people in order to induce a fear response towards the act of showing physical attraction between members of the same gender.

(It's apparently not unheard of for aspec people to go through this too— primarily because homophobes don't tend to be well-versed in the intricacies of LGBT+ identities and will sometimes interpret a kid showing no interest in the 'right' gender as them being gay— but it is much, much rarer (if we set aside the issue of aspecs who identify with more than one letter, who are of course more vulnerable).)

I did not mean to imply that, in the majority of cases, attempts to change aspec people's orientation were comparable to attempts to change the identities of other people in the acronym, and I apologise if it came off that way. As I'm pretty sure I mentioned in the post, other identities have to put up with much worse treatment from society in general— the point of the post was not to deny that, but rather to point out that the stuff aspec people experience is also unacceptable, even if it is less dramatic.

I used the phrase 'conversion therapy' because that was the phrase I had heard used previously to describe the experiences of aspec people who had had people try to cure their sexual and/or romantic orientation, either through talk therapy or, in some cases, by adjusting or removing medication out of a belief that it is 'causing' a patient's identity (even though said patient may have identified that way for a number of years), and I literally just wanted to address the fact that it had already been talked about a lot in other posts, before I moved on to the actual subject of the post.

If there are other terms people feel I should have used then I would be happy to hear from them in the notes of this post, as for mental health reasons I am not going to be engaging with combatative anons, and I would like to keep the original post I made from being derailed by this issue, since— once again— I literally mentioned it solely to say that I was not going to talk about it. It has already been talked about by other people.

(Also sorry for dumping all of this on you anon. I know this probably isn't the response you expected, but I wanted to take the opportunity to address this issue!)

With regards to the rape culture thing that was the actual thing you mentioned— sorry again!— I 100% agree with you. Not only do I not believe that everything in that post could be considered rape culture— unless we're using such a broad and all-encompassing definition of 'rape culture' that the phrase loses most of its meaning— but it's hardly revolutionary to suggest that rape culture affects multiple groups.

The same is true for heteronormativity. Yes, heteronormativity affects everybody in society— even cisstraight people, technically— but it affects aspec people worse because we generally don't have the option of conforming to it.

Once again, thank you for messaging me anon! 🙂

[ayy-spec]

Arospec Awareness Week Ask

1. Where are you on the aromantic spectrum?

I identify as demiromantic, but I also use the term gray aromantic and sometimes aromantic.

2. What are some other labels you have tried out?

I used to think my romantic and sexual orientation worked exactly the same so I identified as abroromantic for a while and at one point identified as only liking girls. I don’t clarify the gender of my attraction with labels, but I have been romantically attracted to 3 people in my life and they were 2 guys and a girl, so I think I could be attracted to people of any gender.

3. How long have you identified as aro-spec?

I definitely identified as alloromantic ace-spec for a while before questioning being aro-spec, so that was probably when I was 19 or 20? So 3 or 4 years.

4. How old were you when you first heard the term?

I heard about the term aromantic when I was in high school, probably 14 or 15. I heard about the terms aromantic spectrum, demiromantic, and gray aromantic later than that but not by much.

5. Are you sam or non-sam?

I use the split-attraction model (SAM) because I feel like my romantic orientation works differently than my sexual orientation. I am demiromantic and abrosexual gray asexual. 

6. Do you wear a white ring?

No, but I do usually wear a black ace ring! I haven’t been wearing rings since the pandemic however because it’s just another thing to clean. I’ve been considering getting a white aro ring.

7. Are you out?

I don’t have a straightforward answer for that. It doesn’t come up a lot, but I’m definitely not in the closet and I do talk about it sometimes. A big reason it doesn’t come up is because I don’t think about romance that much lol.

8. What are some aro headcanons you have?

I’m going to make a post about this later this week when I’ve had more time to think about it, but my 2 biggest aro-spec headcanons are Amethyst from Steven Universe being aromantic (and asexual) and Fitzroy Maplecourt from The Adventure Zone: Graduation being demiromantic (he’s canonically asexual).

9. Are you romance favorable, indifferent, adverse, or repulsed?

I would like to try out a romantic relationship! I don’t know how I’ll feel about it until I’ve actually tried it, but like I said I don’t think about romance very much, I had a boyfriend in high school for a few months and I wasn’t very into it, but I also didn’t like him like that anyway.

10. Are you in a qpr? Do you want one?

I’ve never been in a queerplatonic/quasiplatonic relationship but I’m not averse to the idea! If I met someone and felt like that would be a good fit for us I think I would go for it, but I’m not actively seeking one out.

11. Are you in a romantic relationship? Do you want one?

I’m not currently in a relationship. I’ve tried dating apps a few times but nothing ever came from it, plus it’s hard when I rarely feel attracted to people based on a quick look at a picture and bio. I don’t have a lot of opportunities to meet people my age either. I would like to be in a romantic relationship, I think. I’m also open to polyamory so I could see myself being in more than one romantic relationship.

12. Tag at least one aro-spec blogger on tumblr to help grow connections

I’m going to tag @acespectips and @arospectips ! acespectips is a blog run by arospecs who experience sexual attraction helping out questioning ace-specs, and arospectips is its sister blog which is run by acespecs who experience romantic attraction helping out questioning arospecs!

13. Do you know any facts about aro history?

Unfortunately, not very much! I believe that the word aromantic was added to the Merriam Webster English Dictionary in 2020 (might have been 2019?) and I know that quite a few aromantic terms were coined on the AVEN forums. 

14. What piece of media that you like has a canon aro-spec character?

Unfortunately I don’t have a lot of arospec representation in stuff that I like. I loved Steven Universe when it was running and Peridot was word-of-god canonized as aroace, but imo her aro-ness was not really explored. I use the Choices app a lot and there’s an aroace character named Zephyr in the Elementalist series. Jughead from Archie comics seems fun, but I’ve never read the comics.

15. What’s your ideal friendship?

I don’t have any specifics in mind. As long as we get each other and can communicate, there’s a lot of ways I have friendships with people!

16. Did you have a good discount chocolate day? (the day after Valentine’s Day)

I did not partake because I only go to stores when I really need to right now, and I didn’t really need anything that day. 

17. What are some issues you have faced from being aro-spec? (if you’re comfortable answering)

I have trouble understanding romantic relationships a lot of the time, and the rules relating to them. I don’t understand why people decide to stay in relationships where they’re not happy or fight a lot (this is not about abusive relationships, just ones that don’t seem to be working) so I have had a lot of trouble trying to help out friends who are having problems related to that. 

It’s also been very frustrating when I was actively looking for a relationship on apps, because it seems clear that most people are able to determine whether or not they would be open to dating somebody very quickly in a way that I can’t. I honestly wish that I wasn’t a-spec, but I don’t dwell on it and I’m not ashamed to be the way I am.

18. What are some positive experiences you have had from being aro-spec?

I like the online community I’ve found! I love that I’ve been exposed to so many different lifestyles and kinds of relationships that I likely wouldn’t have known about if I didn’t engage with the a-spec community. I’m glad that I never went through a phase of being super preoccupied with dating when I was a teen. There’s a lot of problems and drama that comes along with romantic relationships that I’ve been able to avoid as well lol.

Questions Source: @swords-and-aros