#I feel like all do crime be queer ppl are one of those things

[sugaronyourtongu3]

DISRUPT CAPITAL

SKIP WORK

GO ON STRIKE

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DAMAGE PROPERTY

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Poster upon a wall I found in Melbourne today

[dabistits]

when do u think bnha became unsalvageable?

i think bnha might've always been slated to become that way from the get-go, with the protagonist being an aspiring hero and heroes being superpowered cops.......

that said while copaganda shows will always be suspect to me, i'm willing to watch them for entertainment value if not moral backbone lol. so i think bnha could've still been a somewhat fun show about these kids going to superpowers school and learning how to use superpowers better. the major failure points that stand out to me are:

mva

endemption

i'll talk about #1 first since i'm sure that's gonna be the most controversial coming from me lol. dgmw i actually love mva and i think it's one of the better-written (if not best) arc of the series, BUT it was so good and set up so many expectations that the series ultimately just could not live up to. mva was very strong imo because, in giving its villains depth, it dug into the fabric of bnha's society and tried to illustrate, like, how did this happen, why are these people villains? and by and large, the answer to that was poverty and the societal alienation of vulnerable populations (children, abuse victims, mentally ill ppl, queer ppl, "mutants," etc.)

and this was good and interesting but this was Also Bad because mva added complexity to the world of bnha but that was ultimately a complexity that horikoshi couldn't execute. i'm not interested in a story that makes systemic change secondary to scolding marginalized people for reacting to how they've been treated. i would even prefer some kind of liberal "change from the inside" story that at least focuses more on the theme of systemic flaws than one that focuses on how the people systemically wronged are actually the bad ones and we have to fight them for 400 chapters.

look, i'll even drop the whole "the lov did nothing wrong" bit for a moment. sure, bnha doesn't have to throw away all believability and have everyone forgive the lov just like that, but it's always going to be fucked to me that bnha's story and fans are obsessed with the lov ~owning their crimes~ when (takes a deep breath) the government ordered the clandestine executions of people who would make the hero system look bad. and the story barely wastes any breath talking about the corruption of the hero system and higherups lol. which brings me to the second point.

endeavor started out as a character that embodied everything that was wrong with quirk/hero society. he was one of those very early downsides we saw of bnha's world: the publicity/public image of heroes superseding the contents of their actual character, and the value of quirks superseding the value attributed to their human bearers, to the point that domestic abuse and rape is seen as an option to make one's genes/one's power stronger. this was a good set-up! i was intrigued! but again, horikoshi couldn't follow through.

endeavor's character eventually shifted away from making a point about hero society to becoming one of the emotional focal points of the story, especially in the todofam subplot. "waaah tumblr user dabistits you just hate when people change for the better!" and yeah i do kind of hate how an abuser having sad feelings immediately gets him prioritized over the people who suffered because of him tbh! but personal feelings aside, i would say that endemption really marked the point where bnha swung hard into depicting characters as good or bad not through the actions they take but through their alignment with either heroes or villains.

endeavor and hawks are the most obvious in this. in contrast to the obsession of making sure villains repent and "do the right thing," endeavor/hawks' actions are either forgivable, pitiable, or simply necessary. several years of spousal abuse and at least 10 years of child abuse don't earn endeavor so much as a lecture (no, being told to stop being pathetic doesn't count), and hawks' execution of twice—not much different than lady n's executions—is dismissed through a press conference and never addressed again. there's a distinct line drawn between "heroes (who sometimes do bad things!)" and "villains," such that anyone aligned with the heroes is deemed to be "good, deep down," and generally more morally superior or redeemable than villains. consider the fact that someone like gentle (youtube crimes) or aoyama (blackmailed 16 y.o) were held to higher standards of proving themselves than someone like endeavor or hawks. i'm not gonna lie, these story beats are all uncomfortably real, except that when real live people do endeavor or hawks things i see them unquestionably as counterrevolutionary enemies, not protectors of the peace lol.

the decision to have endeavor transition from minor antagonist to a major supporting character was, imo, a big turning point in the ethos of bnha. i think in many ways it was a symbolic shift, but also a mechanical one in terms of how the story was going to be told going forward. the problems about hero society that were continually introduced at the beginning (ostracizing quirkless people and ppl with "dangerous" quirks, the valuation of powerful quirks over people, "fake heroes," all of the lov stuff) took a backseat to Stopping The Big Bads, with marginalization as flavor text instead of a genuine area of contention between heroes. think about the difference in deku confronting endeavor during the sports festival compared to how all other injustices were dealt with afterward... because the readers have to be convinced that endeavor is Ultimately Good, the heroes stopped challenging him, and in stopping challenging him, they lost one of the major ways through which the heroes of the series wrestled with societal issues.

but whereas the way the heroes handled corruption and violence within their own ranks became simplistic and non-confrontational, with mva, so many aspects of dealing with and interrogating the status quo and societally-accepted injustices were pushed onto the villains instead. but since the villains must be defeated as villains, despite being the main carriers of social critique now, their messages were also torn down/deprioritized in favor of enacting bnha's vision of a cohesive conclusion wherein the villains answer for their crimes. so instead of making the heroes challenge anything, hori shifted this burden onto the villains, in the process making most of them some kind of vulnerable/marginalized and with opinions on the matter, only to ultimately assert that the issues they raise are less narratively important than a restoration of peace.

[juni-ravenhall]

the "but almost all games nowadays are exploiting children (and all ages) players?" type comments about the sso thing are just haunting me. the "but thats weird, why this?" reaction, instead of "hell yeah! we need to destroy exploitative manipulative advertising and companies that do this to people!"

ppl are so used to being bombarded with exploitative advertising and dishonest marketing and being manipulated and brainwashed and exposed to schemes to try to get you to waste money on useless gambling and subpar quality products. and ppl are so used to *children* being bombarded with that. that it feels okay to them. that it feels like "well, thats just how things are".

and i keep thinking about how extremely insane it is to me that ppl will be actively mad about fandom shit but NOT ACTIVELY MAD about advertising and exploitative tactics.

like. if you are mad about ppl saying "i hate this game", or by people drawing fanart you dont like, or whatever, if that somehow affects you personally emotionally (it really doesnt have to you know - its not a good place to be in) but youre. not everyday being personally emotionally affected by the fact that capitalists do this shit to everyone and to children who cant even fucking tell that theyre being advertised to. the children dont fucking understand that the companies are preying on them. they cant recognise advertising for what it is. they dont know quality standards. they dont understand what gambling is or why its bad. they dont know how to tell when companies are lying. they dont know how bad plastic is. they dont know how much all of this explotative capitalist shit can hurt them and everyone else and our planet.

it just drives me crazy. that ppl can be so upset about random things individuals online are doing who are not capitalist and not abusers and not exploiting children or vulnerable people, but youre not actively fucking screaming against capitalism, against how people are being killed in the name of Owning More and Making Money (the wars killing people are about money and resources and land!!! capitalism!!!), about the planet being destroyed, about human rights being violated, all these things, are less important to you (you dont get that upset about it everyday, you dont scream about it everyday) than some fucking random harmless people saying your favourite game or movie sucks, bc now thats a real issue, or someone writing a fanfic you think sucks, bc now thats a real issue, or someone telling you to stop being mean to harmless people is sooo awful what a crime cant believe your human right to free speech is being suppressed like that, while people are fucking dying to make your sweatshop fashion and your slavery chocolate.

boohoo i have real issues too, yeah heres the thing, im sure you do have a few real issues. like being ND is a real issue, or being queer, or being oppressed for how you were born, or how you look, all of those things are real issues. but if you get mad about fucking dumb ass fandom things like ppl criticising a game or disagreeing with you about a fandom topic (not a human rights one) or god forbid people telling you to be kinder and more respectful to others. if those are things you get mad at. and you go "huh but exploitative advertising and monetising towards kids is normal?" or "but theyre a company they have to do pay staff?" i just want to fucking scream

[nikadd]

gonna complain abt biphobia for a second so if you think im automatically annoying bc of that it’s ok, just scroll past. idgaf

for the past few weeks on twitter and in the past on tiktok and im assuming here as well (im just not verging into those waters on here) i’ve seen a lot of weird and annoying things being said abt bisexuals and bi women in general and it feels like one of those things where somebody picks a specific type of a member in a community (here being “a white cis bi girl with a white cishet boyfriend”) as like the so called representative of the entire community and bc it’s like the supposed closest person to being the oppressor then all of the criticisms get to stick. it’s like when ppl add “white” in front of “woman” to make their criticisms not sound misogynistic.

like there are lots of things that are very much issues that bisexuals face in higher numbers than either gay or straight ppl do (such as ipv, for example), and nobody is talking abt it, but if we ever just express annoyances abt micro aggressions or negative stereotypes abt us (that feed into the material oppression we face! the stereotypes abt us being sex-obsessed and promiscuous freaks actually does lead to ppl thinking we can’t say no to sex and that we would cheat on them which leads to physical and emotional abuse!), then suddenly everybody is like “why are yall complaining abt it” “i wish i had your issues” “biphobia isn’t real, what you’re complaining abt is homophobia” “yall chose to date men” “who’s stopping yall from dating men” and it’s like…

we (cis bi women) understand that if we are dating men or somebody who is read as a man on the street then we benefit from being read as straight, but it’s weird when ppl keep talking abt “the real life” when we are talking abt how we are treated within the queer community or we want to address specific things. like many of us DO understand the sense of scale of things, we are not equating homophobic hate crimes to the micro aggressions, but if everything we say is conflated to just being micro aggressions we are blowing out of proportion, then it becomes difficult to address actually important things!

and i do think some of my fellow bisexuals have fallen into a weird pick-me-girl meme within the community, e.g. “i’m attracted to every woman ever and like 3 guys” which sounds like we are supposed to suppress our attraction to men to feel accepted in the queer community and act like it’s such a chore to be attracted to or be in a relationship w men. and im not even talking abt many of them coming to realize they are lesbians, which is good for them! but it just became one of those annoying things ppl just regurgitate and i don’t actually believe that it is an actual way many of them view their attraction, but they want the good queer points so they say it.

and i understand many lesbians’ frustrations w newly-out bi women expressing how they are intimidated by the idea of approaching a woman, but i think sometimes ppl are too quick to call it lesbophobia and that we think that lesbians are scary bc THEN apparently we aren’t living in “the real life” in our heteronormative world where we are taught how to be w men only? like i guess in this situation we don’t care abt what goes on outside of the community. and im glad many queer women are able to overcome it but we often forget how difficult it is to figure it out! and ppl online keep talking abt how weird and homophobic it is for bi women to say this when we should actually be scared of/intimidated by men bc they are more likely to abuse us… which is such a piss on the poor type of misreading of what we are saying. but also victim blaming once again.

like i’ve been out as bi for like 9 years now, had VERY strong feelings for multiple girls over this time (like i’ve had to tell some ppl im bi and not a lesbian), currently in my first ever relationship - and yes it’s with a man. and if i was some kind of famous person on the internet, people would be saying im settling, or im faking my queerness, or looking into my past relationships and seeing nothing there bc ive never dated anybody before. so what then? suddenly im not bi bc i’ve never gone out w a girl? like in my case i never even dated men before bc i rarely like somebody enough to want to go through w anything AND i need to know that they like me first as well so im actually always surprised to find out that ppl date ppl often but that’s neither here nor there.

like all those tweets abt billie eilish abt how she “chose to date an abuser before she ever dated a girl” or dove cameron “making a song abt being a better boyfriend to a girl and now dating yet another man” make me so upset like do they need to go out and date a girl for some kind of queer points for ppl to shut up abt it?

another thing i saw was like “a girl is gonna go to a queer bar or pride, dance and flirt with girls, and then go home to a boyfriend 💀” and it’s like okay so yall don’t want us bringing our boyfriends to queer events, that’s fine (not that my bf is straight and might also enjoy going to a queer event as he’s also queer but who cares abt that, right?) but then we also can’t go to a queer event by ourselves either? like not all queer events are singles-only events! and flirting doesn’t mean you’re being led on! sometimes ppl flirt just because! why does it mean that i need to stop going to queer events that i’ve been going to before dating my bf just bc im w a man now?

like ppl act like it’s not even worth to come out for a bi woman if she’s gonna date a guy / already is in a relationship w a guy. like maybe my identity existed before my relationship and might even exist after it? like im my own person or something?

like i’m so tired of ppl online being “heartbroken” over a hot woman (bonus points if she “looks” gay) being w a man - as if you ever had a chance w her if she was single! or acting like being w a bi woman means that she’s gonna leave you for a man! like it sounds weirdly incelish when i see other queer women online being like “oh ofc a girl i was dating left me for a man 🙄” and it’s like maybe she just started dating a man after you but you’re making it sound like she hated being with a woman and cheated on you with a man and you get to have this high horse about it. like im sure there have been instances where two women broke up and then one ended up w a man and even got married or something but i’ve seen too many ppl paint these situations like ultimate betrayals. like if she left you for another woman it would have been better?

like i know that there are some bi women who Have said/done things that led to these thoughts/complaints, but like the way we (queer women as a whole) have been engaging in these conversations has been very alienating. like there ARE things we need to address within our community (e.g., “everybody is a little bi”, “hearts not parts”, “don’t worry i’m bisexual” when dating trans ppl, etc) but i genuinely often feel more comfortable talking to other bisexuals abt it bc i think some things SHOULD be addressed within the bisexual community first bc it shouldn’t be on other ppl to address these things like we gotta clean our own house yk but it’s often difficult to do so on the internet bc anybody could chime in and divert the attention and take things out of context.

tldr i hate these conversations and all the jokes abt biphobia bc ppl think it makes them more progressive or feminist or whatever and seriously addressing these things suddenly makes me “one of those bisexuals” or whatever. like i know im saying all the stuff we’ve all already said in 2014 in all those “reblog if you believe that bi ppl are bi and not just half gay half straight” but i feel like ppl only agree w this in theory and not in practice and actively believe that every bi woman is a lesbian in denial or a straight woman w a fetish. and it’s fucking annoying.

and yeah it might sound like i’m a chronically online tumblr sjw abt it but the internet queer spaces are like a third space for many ppl and it’s disheartening to see these things and then feel like ppl are just keeping their mouths shut abt it offline but still believe and think this way.

…AND THATS ALL JUST ABT BI CIS WHITE WOMEN.

[the-elderly-are-evolving]

gay twilight princess character headcanons bc it pride month

look im sure someone else has done it but idc i have A Lot Of Feelings rn and they have 2 go somewhere so get on board or get off ma ass about it

Link:

u no him, u love him, he has like 3 pixels in this game and all of them r doing their best!

he's coming from a conservative little backwater (i say this as the unfortunate alum of a conservative little backwater myself-- sorry, but Ordon's main export is like. goats or w/ever, there's no way there aren't any trump supporters in that town), but i think once he travels around n gets 2 experience different things on his quests n shit he starts 2 unravel some of that internalized homophobia & becomes a great ally and, dare i say it, a little bi-curious

"but, gabe," i hear u say, "link is such a nonbinary icon, what about the transmasc & transfemme gender envy???" and 2 that i say mmmmm yea yea ik, but i don't think he sees it in himself yet, i think that comes later when he's got more adult confidence n shit. like i can see a 20's/30's link with long luscious braided hair wearing crop tops and mini skirts 2 show off his sick nasty battle scars while he picks ppl up at the bar

final verdict is bi and, later, genderqueer, although i think he's one of those ppl who doesn't really care about labels/ pronouns bc he is simply 2 busy sparkle emoij boots the house down slaying monsters hahahah get it im hilaris

Midna:

now that's a she/they if ever i've met one

one of those ppl whose gender presentation is mostly just looking like a scruffy & stinky goblin cretur 95% of the time except 4 that like. 2% of the time they actually make an effort and turn out****

def has a bro-code friendship w link where they both just don't talk about their feelings and instead r violent together love this little war criminal & her dog best friend

ur 1st instinct is lesbian, but look a little closer, and u will soon realize that this is simply a pansexual with a strong preference 4 women in their natural habitat

i think she is trying 2 b a responsible queer bc she knows link is unfamiliar w the community n she is trying 2 b a good ambassador between link n the gays uhhhhh unfortunately she is simply 2 busy trying 2 commit crimes & being like. a chronically online 20-year old or however old she's supposed 2 be & i think link comes away more confused than ever b4

****couple things here: a) ik that doesn't add up to 100%-- i am gay, what part of do not talk 2 me about numbers don't u understand b) ik midna was literally cursed 2 b an imp by zant, but it doesn't change anything in my mind and u can't convince me that she didn't just pull out her "true form" bullshit 2 try an seduce zelda at the end of the game c) no i have no personal experience with this gender presentation at all how dare you insinuate anything of the sort i have totally showered this week totally now shut up

Zelda:

Lesbian, no further questions ur honor

Furthermore, femme lesbian, often gets Assigned Straight On Sight & is very tired of getting hit on by straight men

One of those gays who wear wacky silly n fun statement earrings so other queer ppl know they're gay

We don't actually see her a lot in this game so there's not much 2 go off of with her characterization... this zelda has had a lot of pressure put on her what with being the sole leader of her people in this time of extreme stress, & so i think she is very competent & composed & controlled, but out of necessity, which will prob lead her 2 rebel later in life & act out a little when the country is not at war & she gets to be more of a child again.... basically what im saying is twilight princess should've had a sequel n it should've started w zelda deciding she's punk now, shaving her head, and making link help her run away from home

EDIT: how did i not see this b4...... i have been a fool...... zelda is secretly an astrology gay. it's one of her guilty pleasures bc she knows it's prob not real n the planets prob aren't doing anything w ppl's personalities, but she can't help but b like oooh but wouldn't it b fun if the real reason zant was such a little bitch was just bc his pisces is in retrograde?

[aronarchy]

i’ve said this way too many times already but, tl;dr:

liberalism, conservatism, other idealist frameworks (while carrying their own individual variances) do all boil down to placing some sort of ethical-value/devalue on something other than “tangible distress/harm (or lack thereof) experienced by real feeling thinking sentient beings”

→ “murder” isn’t As Bad, hypothetical or fictional murderers are okay to glorify because murder = randos (as in “psychos”) go on Evil Murder Sprees for no reason just bc they wake up and feel like it one day, and libs can divest themselves from feelings of impact/horror/tragedy bc “not that bad” bc it doesn’t constitute one of the Moral Sins (violations of purity)

(but rape is bad, bc arch evil, fate worse than death or murder or even nonsexual torture bc violation of purity oh how will u ever recover why dont u just be miserable forever)

(solution to rape = kill rapists = kill [X demographic], not, idk, “abolish the state”)

→ those ignorant fucking copes from fantis, “we live in a rape culture but not a murder culture,” where the fuck do you live where police aren’t murdering POC every fucking day, where queers and other deviants aren’t subjected to high risk of hate crime/murder, where the marginalized, the poor & other underclasses live in fear for their lives, where bourgeois society excuses it daily, asking for it/just a glitch/it’s not That Bad Of A Problem

→ Actually Horrific Murder they care about = Actually Horrific Abuse/Torture they care about = “things I have not yet desensitized myself to”--things i allow myself to view as glitches and not by design, because the design must be good, thus if it’s bad it must only be a glitch, and if it is by design then it must be good (or at least something i may ignore, look aside when they’re dying, when they’re crying out in pain/for help i can but won’t give)

none of them crying about rapists they see as badevilirredeemable will ever give a single fuck about the sexual violence we experience on basis of our marginalizations, of course, “valid rape victim” is a card only given to the ppl of the demographics allowed purity & virtue

and none of this, of finding immorality and issue w/anything other than the harm victims experience ourselves is good for any of us, it means you don’t fight for us you fight for preservation of the status quo and of religious (or pseudo-religious) abstract “values” at the expense of our actual wants needs safety wellbeing and mental health

[nururu]

I think the worst part of healing from trauma is that I used to be so secure in gender expression and being close/vulnerable with ppl who were LGBTQ but I assumed a false sense of security and safety and ended up being hate crimed and discriminated against worse than ive ever experienced. one thing about me is that I was gaslighted since birth into believing that none of my emotions or reactions or whatever were real and that I was just being manipulative,, and like... I have a huge fear of being an awful person so I just.... no matter the source, when I'm criticized, I immediately think of how I can fix this thing that's making someone upset.. anyways, it got to the point where I stripped away every single unique thing about myself, expression, etc etc and became monotone and guarded and I'm never ever confident anymore that I'm doing things right, and that when I'm feeling like I'm doing what I want to do, that, that is a bad thing. bc I convinced myself that every part of myself was bad. so like.... being told by trans ppl who "passed" that I was just a girl, I wasn't trans enough, I was actually transphobic for not being trans enough etc. being accused of having attraction to ppls partners etc even though my queer identity wasn't even acknowledged.. like.. idk.... I'm so afraid to express who I am like... at all. even though I know none of those claims are valid, I have deep trauma that makes me immediately go "yeah but they could have a point and what if ur accidentally being horrible and don't realize it" and I get scared of doing the wrong thing. my initial reaction is NEVER "this person is abusive and manipulating me and trying to hurt me" bc I believe in the good in people and that people are honest. my mind can't wrap around the fact that some people are just cruel and abusive. even when I know I should be justifiably upset, I still have a hard time not giving weight to what abusers say.

[shallowrambles]

I'm so bothered by the fetishization of twins and triplets, actually. If I could erase anything, it'd be the flippant references to this. :(

To be clear, I'm not pro-purity culture. I just- this one stings and I have to literally curate my experience so hard because of it

I can't stand when it's used as "code" for "queer experience" either because it's just positioning queer as "unnatural / evil," and that bothers the heck outta me when they're equated. Inappropriate boundary crossing, grooming, and abuse =/= insta-queer. It's like HMMM. The way ppl stan the crowley hookup when it's a shows canon incest kink interest squicks the fuck outta me and like...the whole Demon!Dean is a study in disinhibition! Disinhibition was shown as very evil / shameful / uncomfortable experience for Dean, like, the entirety of season 10...Sam even tries to comfort him about it. But because Crowley-Dean supports those sides of Dean ppl want in their ships, they overlook that aspect of it.

There's also the American-ness of howling at the moon and total "I do what I WANT" as being a good thing, when it's clearly shown as...not. There's gotta be balance, man.

Reduced inhibition is OFTEN used as circumvention of consent, as Dean recounts in his John-and-the-bar story. And disinhibitions are ofc not always a reflection of true self. I'm thinking of a neuro unit, where an injured TBI survivor hits on his granddaughter. Is that his "true personality?" Of course not! It's a loss of free will, judgment, and choice due to the injury and/or disinhibition.

And this is a show about free will, after all.

Drinking and drugging tend to ‘loosen you up’ by reducing inhibitions. But they remove your judgment and CHOICE about things, too. That's not necessarily free will. Reduced inhibitions can be enjoyable, but they can also create risks and dangers. Our inhibitions serve to keep us acting within an acceptable threshold; reducing these inhibitions can push you past the threshold.

Drug addiction is sometimes potrayed as "freeing" but ofc that isn't the complete story. Even so, the show doesn't agree that the punishment fits the crime. Like Crowley, Randy is complex, and he has real feelings and emotions for his relationships!

I feel like the Claire episode puts this in full display:

///

10x09

DEAN: All right, so I get there. I sneak in, and it is nuts. I mean, people are drinking and they’re smoking and they’re—they’re snorting whatever. There’s a five-hundred pound guy on stage with a Mohawk just screaming. And, uh, my mind is blown. I don’t even know what to do. Then this girls walks up and she says “Hey, why don’t you come over and sit down with me and my friends at our table?” All right!

SAM: Yeah, and they get him drunk. First time.

DEAN: But not fun drunk. I’m not quite sure what was in that stuff, but the room starts to spin, and I feel like I’m going to puke … forever. And right about that time, I hear him. “Dean Winchester!”

[Cas looks confused, but Sam just smiles.]

DEAN: My old man. I don’t know how, but he found me. And now I’m really freaking out, because he’s just standing there, not saying anything. I look around, and everybody else is freaking out, too. In fact, nobody’s even looking him in the eye. And finally, this one guy with, like, a safety pin through his nose and a—a “Kill Everything” tattoo looks up and he says, “Sorry, sir.”

---

[Claire is sitting on a bed by herself when she hears footsteps. The door opens, and Salinger is standing there. He motions for his men to leave, and he turns to Claire.]

SALINGER: Hi. [He finishes off his beer, then turns and locks the door.] It’s Claire, right?

[She won’t look at him, until he’s standing in front of her. He reaches down, taking hold of her chin, making her look up at him.]

You really are a pretty one, you know that?

[She lifts her leg, kneeing him in the groin. She runs to the door and tries to unlock it, but Salinger is right behind her, grabbing her as she screams.]

[One of Salinger’s men opens the front door to find Cas, Sam, and Dean standing there. Cas lifts a hand, and the man goes flying backwards.

--

CASTIEL:

Where’s the girl?

[They hear screaming come from upstairs. In the room, Claire is screaming, trying to fight Salinger off. He’s trying to hold her down, and the door flies open. Castiel is standing there, and Salinger turns to look at him, giving Claire enough of an opening to kick Salinger in the face and get up. She kicks him, over and over again.]

CASTIEL: Claire. Claire!

[Castiel grabs her arm, and she finally stops kicking. Cas leads her from the room. They walk downstairs, and Claire moves away from Cas.]

--

[Claire climbs into the back seat of the Impala, and Castiel sits beside her. Claire smiles.]

CASTIEL: Are you okay?

CLAIRE: Yeah.

[She moves over, laying her head on Castiel’s chest, wrapping her arms around him. Cas hugs her back. Sam climbs in the front seat and glances back. He turns his head back towards the house as he hears shouting, then leaves the car as fast as he can.]

///

10x10

(Scene changes to Castiel pacing in the bunker library.)

CASTIEL: She barely speaks to me.

(Sam comes into view, sitting.)

CASTIEL: She’s like a wounded animal, just watching me.

SAM: Look, Cas, you know what? You really tried to do the right thing that night. You did. This guy Claire was hanging out with, Randy, all he did was use her.

CASTIEL: Well, she thought he was kind. And for that, she loved him. Shows how little kindness there was in her life. You know, whatever Randy did, he didn’t deserve –

SAM: No, yeah, I know, I know. I hear you. Dean has had to kill before. We both have. But that was –

DEAN: That was what?

(Sam rises, surprised. Dean walks in from the war room.)

SAM: Dean.

DEAN: That was a massacre. That’s what it was. (Dean looks from Sam to Cas.)

DEAN: There was a time I was a hunter, not a stone-cold killer?

(Cas and Sam look troubled.)

DEAN: You can say it. You’re not wrong. I crossed the line. Guys, this thing’s gotta go.

(Dean looks down at the Mark of Cain on his arm.)

///

And 10x22

MR. McKINLEY: By suggesting my daughter was a slut?

DEAN: I'll admit that thought crossed my mind. Then I came here, and I smelled the deceit and the beatings and the shame that pervade this home.

MR. McKINLEY: You shut your face right now.

DEAN: And you know what? I don't blame Rose anymore. No wonder she put on that skank outfit and went out there looking for validation, right into the arms of the monster that killed her. (Dean looks at Mr. McKinley and in a very calm voice says) Joe, who did this?

[seasaltmemories]

How about a "my opinions would be met by most fans as akin as hitting a wasp nest with a baseball bat" for your character of choice in both Arc V and Kubera :P

Arc V

I know Shun is a divisive character, but the adjective I can best use to describe him is forgettable

Which is so weird bc he is a pretty major character from s1, doesn't get benched, and yet when I remember the show, just like he never comes to mind, even though he has plenty of big moments (duel against the LDS trio, Sora, Dennis, Crow, beating up ppl in hand to hand combat during the jail break ala Yusei) they just kinda of all slide off my brain

I think with the XYZ characters, A5, struggled to really ground their backstory in something pathos-inducing in the present. Like destroyed hometown is sad, but we never really see them grow past that initial defining angst or develop relationships with other non-legacy characters. And while I'm not crazy over Yuto and Ruri, they at least have main plot relevance, meanwhile I just have Shun memory-holed in my brain

I think he might have stuck more if the Shun & Ruri relationship was anything interested, but really at most it is an excuse for Shun to be in the plot, when they briefly interact, there's just nothing there, if anything the most potential in the dynamic is that they just fucking hate each other, which kinda goes against the whole motivation/rescue angle. Still it makes postcanon Januship AUs fun bc somehow Ruri rather hang out with the dude that helped kidnapped her and started the war that ruined her home, rather than her brother

Kubera

As a person, terrible hot garbage, but as a character I kinda love Asha?

Like I do have a tendency to like traitor characters and usually I like villains for their complexity and vulnerabilities that contrast with their crimes.

No Asha is an unrepentant serial killer who will manipulate and abuse everyone around her in the search of power, the more you learn about her, the more rotten she becomes, her tragic backstory actually makes her less sympathetic bc of the sheer entitlement on display

But like her dynamic with Leez is one of my favorite thing about the series, even though it is purely bc of all the pain and trauma she puts Leez through, I tend to focus on the mechanics of storytelling over imagining them translated to being irl, so being a great antagonist makes her more likable to me than if she was a better yet more boring character

Also this will drift into series wide stuff, but she should also sapphic. Not because I want there to be any romantic/sexual subtext to her female friendships (For a big fan of romance, I think the betrayal hits so hard bc she and Leez have a platonic mentorship going on) but the sapphic fuckboy energy is just off the charts

Having the manipulative potential big bad be the only major queer character would be iffy, but my response to that is characters in Kubera should be queer, the potential would be amazing

Representation discussions can be tiring, and I don't really like demanding smaller creators do it, especially if they are a one-man band like Currygom, I think if there's not a genuine personal desire for those stories, then there's a greater chance of fucking it up and being unsatisfactory for everyone involved

But the way Currygom writes relationships is so interesting and nuanced, I can't help but imagine all the new possible directions she could go by having more queer characters as well. Especially bc she wrote a woman-majority fantasy adventure that doesn't feel particularly feminine. Like I love me my girly stuff, but it is a unique feel that is hard to describe, neither like girl power XD or male gazey and fetishistic, and I know if she tried out femslash she would come up with something amazing that is fresh and completely unlike anything else out there

[inadequate-nefelibata]

Okay, so I like queer!Johnny and l@wrusso just as much as anyone, but lately I’ve been having some thoughts about the way media and fandom frames violence in men as an indicator of potential queerness. Particulary on the way this can sometimes change how people interpret classic macho behavior, such as misogyny or agressiveness.

Despite the stereotypes that exist about gay men being more feminine, there’s also this narrative in our culture that men who are aggressively masculine, especially if is in a way that’s harmful to others or themselves, are probably acting out because of repressed homosexuality or queerness. This is easy to observe in media: there’s the trope “Armoured closet man”, and Rantasmo mentions some examples in his video “The homophobic hypocrite”. And like he explains, this is  something people sometimes apply to real life situations. For example, I have a friend who is usually pretty chill about engaging in gay behavior with other dudes for the laughs, and one day he was discussing it with a friend and they were like “Yeah, we don’t care. Some people care too much about appearing gay and we know why”. This idea it’s not limited to men: you can also find it in Lily Singh’s video “A Therapy Session For Homophobic People” where the homophobic lady ends up asking her out. Those are the first example’s I could remember, but there are more.

I’m not saying it’s not something that happens. Obviously, being homophobic or being conservative about gender roles does not guarantee that someone’s straight or cis. We were all raised in a homophobic, heteronormative society, after all. I was, at some point, scared of being gay. And I understand where the specific connection comes from: sometimes when you’re guilty or ashamed of something, you lash out more easily. That’s why there’s such a complex relationship between repression in queer men and violence: if you can’t express your desires in a healthy way, that can lead to channeling those feelings into aggression, which is more “socially acceptable”.

So it’s not automatically wrong to make the connection. What’s been bothering me lately is how interpreting homophobic, misogynistic, or just generally violent behaviors as secondary effects of repressed queer desire sometimes suggest that homophobia or misogyny are not enough on their own. Just like my friends said that one time: if you’re a man and you’re homophobic, it has to be for a reason. And that reason is not that you live in an homophobic, misogynistic society that makes you hate queer or feminine people, it has to be something particular about you that makes you more susceptible to those ideas.

The thing is that this is pretty convenient for cishet, conventionally masculine, men. It ends up suggesting is that homophobia, misogyny, aggression or other harmful attitudes have actually nothing to do with hegemonic masculinity. It’s only when men don’t fit into this ideal that these toxic behaviors start leaking out. And it’s not just convenient for them as individiduals, it also absolves our culture; if it’s the result of a particular experience, we don’t need to start thinking too hard about how our gender roles affects us in general.

Which reminds me of a video I saw recently, by Lindsay Ellis. She’s discussing transphobia in film, but there’s this moment when she’s talking about the movie Psycho, and she mentions Ed Gein, the real life version of Norman Bates. Apparently, he was originally presented in the media as a man who had unresolved queer tendencies, which served as an inspiration for the character in the film. But. That was a lie. There was no evidence that this was actually true for Ed Gein. As far as everyone knows, he was a straight cisgender man who killed women. And she brings up this quote, from Richard Titthecott, “Of men and monsters”:

So, the video is specifically about the perceived relationship between serial killers, trans women, and how this relates to transphobia. And I was talkig about seeing agressively masculine men, so I know it’s not exactly the same thing. But I keep thinking about that and about what Rantasmo said on his video. He goes from talking about canonical homophobic queer characters to talking about real life situations. And he mentions how sometimes when a homophobic hate crime takes place, people start speculating about whether or not the killer in question is queer himself, often implying that maybe it wasn’t really an explression of homophobia, but an example of the self-destructive tendencies of gay people. What he concludes is that this idea of the “homophobic hypocrite” is often used to “push the responsibility of homophobia and hate crimes off of heterosexuals and on to the victims”. 

While these examples have to do with particularly strong forms of misogyny and homophobia, it’s not out of the question to consider how this relates minor forms of violence. 

All of this is just about Thoughts. I’m not going to reach any conclusion here, because it’s impossible. Especially when it comes to what is and isn’t a Good or a Bad headcanon or ship. Like I said at the beginning, those ships can be fun and can be interesting for many reasons.  I just want to think about the things that may be influencing my interpretations of a story without my knowledge. If we start to believe that just living in a world where you know that being a straight man gives you certain privileges over women and queer ppl is not enough to be hateful towards them, it becomes harder to hold privileged people accountable. Or to explore how those privileges work and why they are put in place. Obviously, there are many ways to talk about this topic, and people can be more than one thing. A man can be queer and misogynistic for example, both privileged and opressed. I don’t know.

Basically, I’m just going to end this post by saying that the idea that “queer interpretations of mainstream media are a way to expand the narrative and include ourselves in the stories we love, and these interpretations are often mocked or rejected by mainstream writers and audiences that think that labelling something as gay is insulting, so they often go against the current” can coexist with the idea that “interpreting homophobia, misogyny, aggression or other harmful attitudes as indicators of potential queerness can be pretty convenient for straight cis conventionally masculine men, and also the association between queer men and violence and self-destructive tendencies is really prevalent in mainstream media and in our homophobic culture”. ???

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[tsurangaconundrum]

Hey bestie!! Yeah that was me the other day with the mangos, seriously I really shoulda looked it up or something cuz that was almost as bad as the time i accidentally used powdered sugar instead of flour. I hope whatever beings that look down at us like ants talk about me like posts about jensen ackles. Maybe i wanna be the pretty man with the fruity little boots! You ever been in onea those houses that look like hgtv? I Do Not Belong Here. Also i forgot my meds at home lmfaooo. Youve probably seen those oil pumps, the ones that look like birds pecking, yeah? (unrelated but onetime we found some frog eggs in the water tank of one and we took em home and raised em up into frogs!). And they have those out in the ocean, one exploded recently i think?? So we was watchin a video on em and apparently they build em close to each other and idk if the guys from one rig will boat to another to like play cards or something but i think it would be fun if they did. Also i think theyre kinda rad looking, like if they werent so bad for the enviroment and stuff i think ppl should just live on those. I guess itd be hard to make money there? Tho they can be fairly self sufficient too i think. But ok there was this scooby doo episode on onea these and velma was like gay for this mermaid?? Idk it was pretty much my fav one except ofc she turned out not actually being a mermaid which was lame cuz i think mermaids fuckin rock. Tho i think the idea of freshwater mermaids is much cooler. Like imagine getting pulled to ur death in a river not by the undertow but cuz u stepped too close to a mermaid hole. Fuckin awesome shit there. Ohh speaking of which I seen ur thing on japanesenatural, but like. Thats such a clever take on spn??? Everything i know about japanese ppl comes secondhand, friends, neighbors, social studies, etc. but i like reading about ur stuff on it. Every time someone takes spn and looks at it through a different lense, especially identity based, its always so good. Its about giving fictional characters ur lived experiences and processing things thru them ig. Also i saw yall was talking about poems earlier and while i dont know a lot of em i rlly like that one about the orange and idk if someone brought that one up already. “I love you im glad i exist” OK!!!!!! OK!!!!!!!!!!! I am feeling some things! Love how cas is very into bees like every time this bitch mentions insects im just!!!! Mmmm and i personally, being rhe person who has a ton of useless info on insects (not so much specifically bees but i know some. Mostly cuza castiel actually.) very much enjoy this. Yessssss lets talk about insects ily bestie!! I love being friends with other queer ppl…. Like omg same! I dont remember what i said to u last time also i feel like i just talked a lot so im gonna go before i start repeating myself also isnt it so frickin crazy its sunday??? And like the 4th of july. Here they only can have sponsored city approved firework shows so they already did those, but back home peoplell still be shootin off fireworks till next sunday lol. Im glad we arent doing anything this year. Learning from perspectives outside of the country has made patriotism taste much more rotten. How ru????????? I think its weird when ppl have cameras everywhere like in the house im in theres an ipad set up in the kitchen and u can see every angle of the outsidea the house. Some guy in my neighborhood has like floodlights and a buncha cameras all over their house that always comes on when im walkin the dogs at night and ik they got robbed a few times so /ig/ it makes sense but also theyre all really annoying and the dad is a cop and every person in my neighborhood who got robbed was a total asshole so like??? Is it rlly a crime if its funny?? Mbby if u stopped posting about qanon on facebook ppl would like u more smh. No but crime is bad ig. I wish ppl would garden with me cuz a lotta these people have nice manicured lawns (and seriously FUCK those. Biodiversity ftw babey!!) but dont rlly know how to garden which is different from me cuz i know how im just bad at it

DSFJJSDFJKL dba first off. powdered sugar instead of FLOUR????? also im so glad you like japanesenatural i think it's very fun as well! tasty treat just for me. as for the orange poem it's literally my favorite poem of all time i read it for the first time like sitting in class and fully tearing up it's so good. happy fourth of july to you too! i hope you have many people to talk insects with bestie. as for gardens i literally killed my little cactus i kept in a window sooooo. oops. i'll leave that to u guys.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Actually, anti parabatai plot as a criticism of the oppressive regime would have been super interesting. Like they literally perform some magical ritual on minors. Moreover, it’s seen as prestigious and is highly encouraged. Moreover, if children have doubts they can’t even properly discuss them. Notice how in 2x03 Alec is left so alone he only has his baby sister to share his misgivings about the ritual. Moreover, he isn’t even happy about the upcoming ceremony. It really feels like he only ->

-> out of obligation (reminds me of ‘are you happy’, ‘yes, I’m following my duty’). Idk maybe it was indoctrinated that cancelling the ceremony once you gave your word is unthinkable, dishonourable, shameful or some other shit. Anyway, Alec didn’t look enthusiastic AT ALL. We don’t see what role Maryse and Robert played in this but they were probably their toxic selves. Besides, it’s strange to make a team out of two people so different both personality and career wise. And speaking of indoctrination, you can see children getting ingrained with this shit from the very young age. Like little Izzy may not have wanted a parabatai herself but you can see she was still affected. Jace legit said that they were gonna be REAL brothers as if something stopped him seeing Alec as such without a magical tattoo which is major yikes

EXACTLY!!! you get it!!!!!! not only that but the whole "the biggest pain a shadowhunter could ever know is losing a parabatai", "parabatai are the most important people to each other", "parabatai are in perfect tune" etc like so much shit that was straight up NOT SHOWN TO BE TRUE throughout the plot. valentine and luke were parabatai and he betrayed him, jace basically never gave a fuck about alec's wellbeing, he couldn't even tell when alec was literally dying lol also the bond isn't even that strong, like if ur away for a while or try to TRACK THEM it breaks??? and in the books robert and michael were parabatai as well and then they never talked again and robert legit straight up couldnt tell when michael DIED AND WAS REPLACED BY VALENTINE WITH A GLAMOUR like My God

my hc for this whole thing is that the parabatai thing was invented to increase sh loyalty to each other as well as their teamwork, and they made up this bunch of bullshit about it being like family and super important and their pain is your pain and blah blah blah to seem more desirable. kinda like how spartans encouraged relationships between soldiers to make them stronger? or how compulsory monogamy teaches you that the way to achieve happiness is through One Single Person who will be perfect for you always oops

actually o shit there are plenty of parallels between parabataiship and compulsory monogamy and i think i'm gonna go into that now. so mandatory disclaimer that compulsory monogamy =/= your monogamous relationship, just like heteronormativity =/= your heterosexual relationship. okay? okay. if yall come for me screaming that Monogamous People Aren't All Toxic i will ignore you because that's not what i'm saying and i just explicitly stated that. okay? okay

so i’m gonna skip the historical part because compulsory monogamy is very intimately related with the invention of capitalism, private property and etc., and that doesn’t work quite as well in the context of sh since it’s more of a military society than anything, and again, i do believe that it’s more of a “making them more likely to be loyal”/less likely to question missions and stuff thing. but the effects of parabataiship as it is constructed in sh lore are very similar to those of compulsory monogamy in real life:

the whole loyalty thing that can be very easily turned into toxicity/co-dependency/straight up abusive and unequal dynamics. again, i’m talking about monogamy as a system, not saying that all monogamous relationships are toxic, okay? if i sound insistent here, it’s because you wouldn’t believe the amount of times i put 4981749318 disclaimers like that and ppl still got offended on behalf of their monogamous relationships i wasn’t talking about

i’ll go further into that. monogamy ideology, like parabatai ideology, tells us that there’s a kind of relationship that is superior to all others and should be prioritized above all others (romantic relationships for monogamy ideology, parabataiship for parabatai ideology. compulsory monogamy and amatonormativity are more than just intimately related, they are a part of the other). this means that not putting the person you have this kind of relationship with above all others is seen as a crime and betrayal. and i’m not talking about cheating here, i’m talking about stuff such as “would you let your partner go to parties without you?”, seeing you at a place without your partner and asking where they are and why they didn’t come with you/assuming that you must have fought or broken up, considering that a relationship is doomed or not very close if its parts are not literally inseparable, turning the two parts of a relationship into some kind of almost symbiotic creature, where you stop being “A and B” and become “A-and-B” (this exact wording is even a trope in romantic fiction, esp fanfic), “would your missus let you come with us?”, having huge fights because one party wants to go somewhere and the other doesn’t and they can’t come to an agreement on that, etc., i think you get it by now

this mindset that the person you have this particular kind of relationship with should be prioritized above all others, that a part of your sense of self should be merged with theirs, that you essentially have to become a unit, and that it’s hard, but you have to fight to make it work (”love hurts”, “love is tough, it’s like that”, “if you love someone you have to make sacrifices for them”, etc) makes people feel guilty whenever they don’t put that person and their wishes above all else, or even when they want to do something without them, because that is seen as not loving them enough. not only that, but monogamy ideology promises you that once you find The One™ you will achieve a kind of happiness and perfection in your life that you couldn’t get any other way. this means that people are effectively scared of breaking up or of not having/wanting a relationship like that, because it means that they are broken and will never be truly happy (see what i meant when i said that amatonormativity and monogamy ideology are a part of each other?). that’s why you see people saying shit like “my greatest fear is to waste many years on a relationship and break up in the end”, “if you aren’t dating to get married you’re dating to get your heart broken”, etc. 

so you see people trying their damn hardest to stay loyal to the relationship even when it obviously doesn’t make them happy, feeling guilty for not being happy, and accepting toxic mindsets and abuse because they feel like they owe it to them. especially the weakest link in the relationship - notably women in monogamy ideology, as monogamy is also inherently linked with the patriarchy and in monogamy ideology specifically a woman in a het relationship is seen as more than just a part of the man she is in a relationship with, she’s seen as his property, but that dynamic can also be inverted or ruled by other factors such as race, sexuality, gender identity, class, etc. - are way more likely to be seen as owing their partners loyalty. not just that, but in particular with people who are otherwise oppressed, being loved is seen as almost a favor, because again, being in a romantic relationship is supposed to be your exclusive golden ticket to heavenly happiness and whatnot, and oppressed people (esp queer ppl and poc) as seen as undeserving of that, and effectively denied that in many ways, so they are more likely to want to stay in a toxic relationship out of fear that they won’t ever find anything better (it’s not a coincidence that “no one will ever love you like i do” is such a common phrase to hear from abusers). also, let’s not forget that even the right to break up in itself is something that had to be fought for. the feminist movement spent years trying to make divorce legal (in the places where it is) and still fights to make it be seen as acceptable. if it weren’t for other pressures trying to change the rules of monogamy, a “breakup” would quite literally not even be allowed, and this always benefits the strongest link

so now that that’s been explained, back to parabataiship. i think the parallels here are very clear - i mean, for one, you can’t really break it up, unless you purposefully use soul tracking or stay away for a long time, so it’s like, old fashioned monogamy. but more than that, breaking your parabatai bond is seen as terrifying. there is a lot of purposeful rethoric that directly says that the pain of the parabatai bond being severed (whether by will or by one of the parts dying) is unmatchable, and that plants a horrible fear into people, to the point where villains use that against parabatai shadowhunters (for example, the owl possessing jace and telling him that it’ll kill alec so he knows what the pain of losing a parabatai is like). this means that loyalty is owed, because even if you just want to be away from your parabatai, this might break the bond and put you through unspeakable pain (in theory. as i’ve been saying, it’s basically been proved that that’s not true, because when jace died that was far from being the worst pain that alec’s ever felt) 

moreover: the whole thing about how this kind of relationship is sacred, above all else, and will bring you a kind of happiness that is impossible to achieve otherwise. this is said many times - like you said, parabataiship is seen as something desirable and that brings honor. the vows are very similar to marriage (the highest pillar of monogamy) vows (“your family will be my family, your people will be my people”, “entreat me not to leave thee”), clary is constantly told that she could never understand the relationship jace and alec have because they’re parabatai and being parabatai is special and basically uncomparable to anything else, even by izzy, who never wanted to have a parabatai (and in the end she ends up wanting to, which reminds me of the whole “oh, you’ll want it once you grow up” trope with heterosexual romantic relationships. like, basically, you’ll want it once you find the right person. that is something aro, gay, and non-monog ppl hear all the damn time). the whole thing about how obviously jace is supposed to be the one alec loves the most, they’re parabatai, the whole thing about how “alec would die for me, we’re parabatai” like that is unquestionable; the souls becoming one, the being able to feel each other’s feelings and blah blah blah. in short: sacred, above all else, and, unless you do something very wrong, able to bring you a kind of connection and happiness you wouldn’t be able to get otherwise no matter how strong your feelings or your compatibility is; and once you get it, you can’t get out

and then there’s the imbalance it brings. like i said, notably in monogamy as a pillar of heteronormativity the imbalance lays on women, altho other factors can change that balance or be more prominent. with parabataiship, there’s an obvious trope of queer people getting heterosexual parabatai and being very obviously the weakest link (alec with jace, michael with robert, there are others but i don’t remember. the exception to this is luke, who is written as equally heterosexual and, in the books, equally white, to valentine, but who’s still the weakest link anyway because valentine gains power and prestige luke doesn’t have). again, the whole “alec would die for me” thing tells a lot. he didn’t say “we would die for each other”. he said “alec would die for me”. despite the rethoric being that both parts should be endlessly devoted, the expectation that one should fulfill that obviously falls harder on one than on the other. with monogamy, there’s even a kind of rethoric that you have to work for the reciprocation to be there (for example, victims of domestic abuse being told that if they dedicate themselves to their partners enough, the abuse would stop, like they owe their partners dedication and love and comprehension, and then their partners will give it back only once they get enough of it) that we haven’t really seen with parabatai (at least i don’t remember it) but that i wouldn’t be surprised to see present there. after all, alec can feel it when jace gets a papercut and jace can’t tell when alec is literally dying, and none of that is ever questioned in canon

and then the imbalance is kept because, again, breaking up parabataiship is unthinkable and shameful, not to mention kind of impossible/not allowed to do officially. so the weakest link is basically stuck in this situation of imbalance and, in many cases, toxicity and abuse, but can’t break out of it and effectively feel guilty because according to everything they’ve ever been told, they should be elated that they’ve found their one and they should be happy. if they aren’t happy, then they’re broken, or not trying hard enough, and it’s taboo to even talk about that

again, i’m not saying that all monogamous relationships or all parabataiships are toxic, okay? i’m saying that, as a structurer of our society (and sh’s fictional society) they favor this kind of dynamic, allow it, and justify it through their ideologies. in the same way that heteronormativity allied with misoginy makes it more likely for women to be abuse or r-word victims than men. is every het relationship toxic? no. is heteronormativity toxic? yes. monogamy works the same way

in short, parabataiship is not a relationship model. or rather, it is, but way before and more than that, parabataiship is an ideology that is specifically structured to subjugate shadowhunters, notably queer shadowhunters, and keep their loyalty to each other and to the clave, and most of its rethoric (nothing can ever be stronger than the love for a parabatai, nothing can match the pain of losing a parabatai, parabatai are one and the same and they share a soul) is absolute bullshit built to make it more desirable and make sure that structure is left unquestioned. a plotline that questions the buildings of parabataiship and shows how the whole myth that’s around parabataiship is that, a myth, built to subjugate and control people, would have been amazing, but of course we couldn’t get that so crumbles of meta it is

me: i’m tired of discourse in my blog i’m going to chill for now. me the very same day: what if i went on my first more detailed anti-monogamy rant when that is 100% guaranteed to attract aggressive people who can’t read and also criticized sh fandom’s beloved parabataiship all in one post?

[ocular-intercourse]

@mangosandchili, Asher, the 4th

🌲 What is the kindest thing your OC has ever done for someone? What is the kindest thing someone has ever done for them? On the flip side, what is the worst thing your OC has done to another person?

People probably don’t immediately consider Asher to be kind, especially not since Adam disappeared. But that’s just because Asher tends to hide it. He is full of kindness, but most of it is silent, secret. Being kind for him is easy, cause he has the means to be kind easily, he does not want the attention because he does not want the praise for something that is so effortless with his privilege. He’s the person to pay for a meal when nobody is looking and when they go to pay the waiter tells them it’s already taken care of. He makes donations, but never in his name. He protects every single person close to him every single day. That’s probably the kindest thing he does, taking the weight of the world on his own shoulders so nobody else has to help carry it. As long as his father is focused on him, he’ll leave his brothers be, as long as he plays along with his father’s wishes for as much as he can bare, his father won’t punish him by harming people close to him. As long as he does not tell people about the things that are happening they are not implicated, they can just live their lives without worry. The kindest thing.. oof, I mean ppl are kind to him all the time cause they want in on the money and connections, so he does not trust a lot of it, or take it very seriously. Devin sticking around even after learning about his father and everything that is happening would be the one. Asher might not want it, but he’s definitely thankful for it, and it does save him. The worst thing is another wonderful painful thing to think about for Asher cause he sees so many terrible things he could list, but one is and will always be on top: Getting Adam killed. You could argue that it was his father, not Asher’s fault at all, but Asher would just counter with if Adam hadn’t known him, hadn’t been his boyfriend, he would not have died, so how could he not blame himself.

🌳 What does your OC do when they see others upset or in pain? An upset friend? A stranger?

That is extremely dependent on the situation. A lot of time he has to keep in mind who is there, what they will see, what his father might hear about it. If he can tell the problem is periodical, it will go away without his help, he will more often than not just ignore it. It’s not worth it, putting people on his father’s radar by associating with them. Most things people are going through are nothing compared to the things his father would do to them if Asher gave him any reason to believe they could be a useful tool to hurt or motivate him. People close to him, Devin or May, he would stay away from them in public, make it seem like he could not care less, and check in on them as soon as he has the opportunity to do so without witnesses. No wonder people think he is self-absorbed and cruel.

🌿 What is something true about your OC that they refuse to admit about themselves? Is there any reason to this besides embarrassment?

Anything positive probably. He is so deep down the rabbit-hole of hating himself for everything that has happened that he can’t accept the good things that are still there. That’s why he can’t understand Devin’s interest for the longest time, it makes him so angry to think he could see something worthwhile in him, he imagines it might just all be about the money. But Devin does eventually list a list of things that made him fall for him, one sounding more outlandish than the next to Asher’s ears. Most of all that Devin watches so carefully, he can see the stuff Asher tries to bury by being deliberately assholeish. He tells him how he can see his kindness, even when he tries to hide it, in the little things he does and hopes nobody notices, he sees how much he cares, that he tries to push for justice in the discussions he has with their teachers, he sees how big his heart is when he puts on an entirely different persona in front of his siblings.. and Asher cries out of relief of somebody seeing anything worthwhile in his character, but he still refuses to accept these things as true. Or more accurately, he argues them away, these things don’t count, most things, most accomplishments, don’t count for him, cause he either sees them as an act he puts on, or a direct result of the money and support he grew up with. That’s why he can’t stand the ‘gifted’ lable either, any talent he has he only has because he had all the resources of the world on his hands and a father at the back of his neck that did not allow him to be mediocre at anything. He does not quite see that only because you are expected to be extraordinary at something most people can’t just simply comply to that and actually succeed. But to him it’s all worth nothing.

🍃 Describe a regular day for your OC. What is their schedule (if they have one).          

His day has always been packed with activities and schoolwork, he’s very used to little free time, he is not exactly good at relaxing, or maybe he relaxes better by doing stuff than by doing nothing at this point. Being with Adam he had wrangled a bit more free time to be with him but he’s still very much overscheduled. So he has the art school classes, working on projects, learning, he has tutors for different languages, mainly mandarin at the moment, he goes to the shooting range, he has teachers for self-defense, he does not go to classes for instruments anymore but he still makes time to play, he goes to night school economics classes on the side, has to do the work and learning for that, he makes time for his siblings, time for the dance classes for the elderly he attends as a volunteering partner, he has clover, though she is well taken care of by the family’s staff, and any time in-between he probably fills with reading, or travelling to see exhibitions or concerts in other cities. There’s the social obligations of upper class people, socializing, fraternizing. Church on Sundays. And then there’s the times his father calls him in, demands him to be there, that can be as simple as business meetings, or dinner with some powerful allies, or turf war discussions with other crime families, or his father dealing out his punishment to the people that wronged him. And then recuperating from seeing people tortured and dying and suffering… Therapy. his plate is FULL. Which is not a bad thing, it keeps him occupied. He would simply not be able to do nothing, it would ruin him.

🍁 What is your OC’s most traumatic experience? (If they don’t have just one traumatic experience either pick one or describe them all!)

:) hooo boy, Asher has a whole portfolio of traumatic events, there are so many they start to become normal to him. He is surrounded by a lot of violence and psychological warfare. Of his father wanting to break him into becoming something he does not want to be. And when Asher refused his father’s orders too much he came up with a new way of disciplining him. Top of the list is of course seeing his boyfriend, love of his life, who he’s been with since they were practically children, tied to a chair, get shot and die, right next to him. By Asher’s father. As an direct answer to Asher’s behavior and educational measure, showing what happens when Asher disobeys. There’s not topping that, really. Maybe there is, but I refuse to.

🍄 How would your OC react to the death of a friend/family member/loved one? Is there anyone they can confide in?

:)) Godddd. Well, the one close death he’s been subjected to he has not really been allowed to deal with, no time for healing and grief. He did go to a clinic for a while after suffering a psychotic break down after what had happened. Asher tried for a while to tell the police what his father had done, even wrote to more distant police departments or investigators, only to always be redirected to his father till he had enough of Asher trying to rat him out and threatened sending Asher himself to prison for Adam’s murder, the staff at the clinic would gladly testify about Asher telling them about it, or threatened other people getting hurt if he kept trying to spread information. Officially, Adam ‘went missing’, the police covered it up, deduced he just ran away, queer kid from a somewhat small town, probably wanted to get away to the city. Asher and Adam’s family very much advocated against those findings, to no avail. He does not really have anybody to confide in. His therapist works for his father so he’s not very inclined to talk to him too truthfully. Other than that he has nobody he would share something like that with, cause he is too paranoid of his father finding out and tying up loose ends. Till now he’s pretty much just relied on numbing medication to get through the day, sleeping pills to get through the night. He has panic attacks and break downs and is irrational and aggressive, he is a mess, but he has no choice but to keep going. He has successfully pushed anybody away enough for them to either not care or leave him alone. I feel like, and Asher would hate that thought, anybody else dying, would almost feel like relief to him. One less person to be constantly scared for. One less reason to stay alive.

🌾 What would your OC be like if they were evil. Or if they’re already evil what would they be like as the good guy?

Evil Asher would be happy??? That’s really the ideal solution to all his problems. If he complied to his father, happily, to step into his footsteps and become his successor, he would not have a single problem. All of his trouble comes simply from him not being able to live with hurting other people. If he’d just be able to do that, no problem, he could just life his regular life at the side. So evil Asher would be soon-to-be crime boss, and good at it.

💐 How would your OC react to somebody telling them that they love them? (+ bonus give another characters/OC name!)

Nausea, doubt, refusal, panic. He does not want it, there is nothing good that comes from loving him, other than putting people in danger, when his father considers them as effective ways to threaten him. He hardly let’s other people say positive things about him, I love yous are definitely too much, he would probably be extra dickish the next couple of days, trying to scare you away more effectively. Devin definitely has been through that a couple of times, any time Asher lets him get a bit closer the next day he pushes him away twice as hard. Good thing Devin is persistent, as long as he knows Asher is just putting on an act because he is scared and hurt, he has no problem seeing past his behaviour.

🌷 What does your OC hate about themself? What lies about themself do they believe? On the flip side, What does your OC love about themself?

:))) It’s all shame and guilt and hatred. Even if he has good sides, they are either an act, or they are just useless? They do nothing for him, or for others. He’d rather be a bigger asshole, feel less, care less, and other people would be much safer.. well the regular civilians at least. He tries sometimes to convince himself, the people his father deals with, the ones he kills or punishes, they are in that situation for a reason, they dealt with the wrong people, they have made that deal knowing what could happen. Better to hurt them, than to hurt unsuspecting folks. But he just can’t justify hurting people, no matter who. So maybe what he hates the most about himself is his code of morality. He also hates thinking about his childhood, about admiring his father, before he knew about any of the crime. The lies he believes about himself are the ones he tells himself, about how terrible and unlovable he is, just a snobby rich kid with no redeeming qualities. He’d really have to dig deep to find anything he would actually consider lovable, I can’t quite come up with anything honestly. Jeez. Poor boy.

🥀 What is something your OC blames themselves for and is it really their fault? Does it keep them up at night and is there any lingering trauma?

Adam’s death, of course. Not that he has any control over his father’s actions, but he could have told Adam more about what was happening with his dad, so he could have made the informed decision of getting the hell out of there. He thinks about it all the time. His guilt, what he could have done differently, how he’s not allowed anything good anymore, cause Adam is somewhere rotting in a ditch and he is living, enjoying things? Impossible, not allowed.

🌺 In what situation would your OC be pushed to commit an act of violence? Would they go as far to kill someone if they had to? How would this affect them and their relationships with others?

:)))) He is constantly being pushed to commit acts of violence and he constantly refuses even though the consequences are hard. He does, however, finally, eventually, get pushed over the edge, when he’s once more facing the same situation, of the boy he loves sitting tied up in front of his father. He laughs about it sometimes, afterwards, the absurdity, the god-complex of his father, who really thought putting them in a room, giving Asher a weapon and telling him to kill his boyfriend would somehow not lead to his own death. So yeah, Asher does decide to kill his father. Thought the deciding part is not exactly an active choice, he blinks and is suddenly kneeling over his father’s perforated body. Which is probably the only way you could get Asher to kill someone, not by making him choose to consciously, but by giving him no other choice, for him to lose control and let his desperation take over. Devin tiptoes around Asher for a while, cause he’s just scared of what that did to him. He’s very attentive, looking for shock and trauma and anything he can help with.

🌸 What would your OC do if they were given god-like powers or the ability to change anything about the world for a whole day?

He would want to meet dead people, mostly artists, he admires. Have a chat with Van Gogh, meet Kurt Cobain, pick Hieronymus Bosch’s brain.. Just talk about creation and inspiration and their world views.

🌼 Describe one of your OC’s worst nightmares.

One of his loved ones dying because he was stupid enough to agree to be close to them, as secretly as they could, cause he should know better, his father has eyes and ears everywhere, how could he be so stupid and selfish. Alternatively his father finally giving up on converting Asher and trying to do the same to Gabriel, or Leo when he is older.

🌻 What advice would your OC give to their younger self? What advice does your OC need now?

Kill him NOW??? You will kill him eventually, just do it now. Safe Adam.  Right now, hm, probably something about sharing the burden. Talking to people, his family specifically, since they are involved some way or another anyways and might just be able to help, if only by having an open ear. But he’s a burned child, he is way way too scared of consequences to his actions now that he would want to take risks, even if they seem unlikely. Better safe than sorry.

[lilybaud]

So I'm curious what oppression do asexual people face? I do understand there are some minor discrimination similar to homosexuality like being told it's a phase, but there have 0 laws against i, very few if any deaths because of it, few forced marriages. Maybe there have been cases of corrective rape?

sorry i took a few days to answer this -- i wanted time to give you a thoughtful response! this is kinda a version of an ask i answered last month, but i hope it helps answer your question!

here are some good posts that explain better than me:

https://livebloggingmydescentintomadness.tumblr.com/post/148453657895/the-aphobia-masterpost (This one goes into ace history, as well as many other topics – big recommend)

https://newt–x.tumblr.com/post/183606679191/a-spec-people-dont-experience-oppression (includes more comments/edits on the above)

So how are aces oppressed?

Let’s start with medical discrimmination: asexuality is classified as a mental disorder that you can get diagnosed with.  Although the DSM-5 says that asexuality is a valid identity, it still lists hypoactive sexual disorder as – well, a disorder.  This is basically defined as when someone is disinterested in sexual activity, and this disinterest causes them distress.  This is the same boat that homosexuality was in until a few decades ago – and obviously, aphobia (and homophobia) are very likely to make people feel “distressed” about their sexual identity (I know that I do!)  Imagine going to a psychiatrist and having them tell you that your orientation is a disorder that needs to be fixed: not great.

Even when ace people are not being explicitly diagnosed with Being an Asexual Disease, asexuals can often get into hostile medical situations, particularly in mental health settings.  I have had several appointments with psychiatrists, counselors, and the like that were meant to be about unrelated topics, but when it came out that I was ace, the conversation turned to why this was a sign of isolation/pathology/other fuckedupedness.  Other aces might be able to better speak about their experiences in this area, as I often avoid bringing up the topic in medical settings for this reason.

the discrimmination you’re talking about

Asexual people, particularly (but not only) female-identifying aces, have also long (long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) been targets of corrective rape and sexual assault. Here’s a good (altho far from exhaustive) HuffPost article on the subject.  Corrective rape is a huge issue.  This is a very prevalent fear for a lot of ace people, who also face other types of violence.  A really horrible and tragic example is the murder of ace teen Bianca Devins last year by a man that she refused to sleep with (I won’t post links because they’re pretty upsetting) -- a death that aphobes online are still making terrifying comments about.

So yes! Ace ppl do actually face violence and death!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here’s a post that talks about why it’s hard to be an ace PoC (like me!)

Tl;dr, many people don’t know what asexuality is – it’s sometimes called an “invisible identity.”  But that doesn’t mean ace people aren’t discrimminated against as aces.

Exclusion from the LGBTQIA+ community

As I’m sure you know, many fellow people in the queer community hate ace people.  There’s a perception that ace people are being special snowflakes, that we are basically straight, that we are not oppressed enough to be part of the community, that we diminish the importance of other sexual orientations, and on and on.  This is really hard for ace people, because we seek queer spaces, spaces that are supposed to be safe for marginalized identities, are often those that are most explicitly anti-ace.  

In addition, some in the queer community used to identify as ace because they had internalized homophobia or other things, and view asexuality as a cover for those feelings based on their own experiences.

From queer tumblr bloggers I follow to comments by queer friends and acquaintances, I’ve personally had spaces that I thought were safe revealed to be aphobic.  That’s a pretty upsetting experience – I don’t talk about being ace very often, but it’s devastating to know that people you encounter in your everyday life spend so much time thinking about how much they hate people like you.

All this leads to many ace people being scared and unhappy.  In a UK government survey of LGBTQIA+ individuals, asexuals were the group least likely to be “open” about their identity (at 89% reporting that they were not open).  Cis aces were the least comfortable being queer in the UK, and had the lowest life satisfaction scores, out of all cis responders (the survey did not break down the responses of trans responders into allo/ace).

(Side note – many ace people emphasize other parts of their identities in order to participate in queer spaces.  For example, if pressed in a pride group or seminar or friendly gathering or etc., I might just say I’m bi.  This sucks too!  All parts of your identity are legitimate and that should go without saying?)

Personally, there are few environments where I am comfortable with people knowing that I am ace.  I don’t wear obvious pride gear, and I don’t call myself ace when I’m in LGBT+ groups.  I’ve never come out to a romantic or sexual partner as ace.  My sexual experiences have been highly traumatizing in part because of my identity.  Only a few of my closest friends know that I’m ace.  The negative perceptions of ace people, particularly those in the queer community, are main causes of this.

Why do we need to be oppressed to be let in?

One of exclusionists’ favorite sticking points is that aces aren’t oppressed enough to be part of the queer community.  We do face discrimination in major ways – see above.  But this raises a question: why do we have to be oppressed to be welcomed into LGBTQIA+ spaces?  What qualifies as oppression?  Is societal oppression “enough,” or does every ace person have to be personally subjected to a hate crime?  I’m not sure if this line of thought comes from a genuine belief that society has to personally take a shit in your bed every day for you to even think about feeling comfortable in queer spaces, or if it is just cover for an instinctive dislike of ace people.  Regardless, it’s something to think about.  To quote the first masterpost linked at top:

“Nobody is trying to say that asexuals have it “as bad” or worse than gay or trans people, but we don’t HAVE to “have it worse” to be included and for our experiences to have merit without being compared to anyone else’s. Let me say that again: our experiences have merit without being compared to anyone else’s. “

Anyway thanks for your question!  I don’t know if this helps or changes your mind on the topic.  Please reach out if you have any other questions about my experiences as an ace person!

[dachi-chan25]

So i finally watched It chapter 2...

DISCLAIMER: So I know most of y'all don't like anyone to critizise anything u like, right of the bat I am telling u I did NOT liked this movie at all, there are changes I thought were good ideas but most of it was just plain terrible in MY opinion and I need to vent. If u share my opinión or find my rage amusing read on.

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I had been putting off watching this movie, cuz in 2017 I enjoyed the 1st IT movie but I had a TON of issues with it (Mike's complete erasure, Stan being a completely different character, The Losers Club moments being sacrificed to cool sounding one-liners, WTF happened to Henry Bowers and Alvin Marsh, Bev being overly sexualized, etc, etc) so I was on the fence about this one. The cast is what finally caught my attention but then I heard very mixed reviews about it, and as I am starting on a new job I hadn't had the time to go and watch it til now and oh boy was I disappointed.

First off, we have to ask ourselves was Adrian Melon's murder scene really that necessary??? I understand what they used it for in the movie (to make a R3ddi3 reference /as a side note I do not care for the ship or any other IT ship tbh i write it like this cuz i don't want this post to invade the ship tag) but the characters involved are never mentioned again and it was too gratuitous (like we can have a homophobic hate crime, slurs thrown around all the time but we can't have the gay ship this movie was going for saying they love each other in a straightforward manner??? I know this is an unpopular opinion but I am not giving Muschietti props for doing the gay closeted ship for the 1000th time, if u were gonna do it go for it!!! Do right by the characters, hell in the book they get more tenderness and they are never explicitly gay, Eddie is heavily coded as gay or asexual and Richie is super bisexual) like my queer ass is tired of seeing gay ppl die in violent gruesome ways all the time.

While I love Bill Skarsgard's performance, the excess of CGI and all those jumpscares and strobe lights, actually take away from his performance, he is super scary and eerie when he is talking and even being friendly but super hillarious and plain silly when he is actually trying to be scary or when he is eating, it looked too wierd.

TBH whyyy was Tom Rogan in this?? Muschietti had already changed Alvin Marsh from being physically violent to being a sexual predator (everything they changed from Bev took away from her character, like we can have her smoking and flirting w Mr Keene but we can't have her teaching Richie how to use his yo-yo or winning in a fucking video game or drawing or anything that remotely has to do with her character) why was Tom necessary?? Hell we could have skipped that and have Bev in Kay's house telling her all that happened instead, I mean if he wasn't gonna die in the sewer why is he even a character? It was so easy to erase him and have Kay instead. Also how tf did Alvin survive???

Whyyy do that to Audra??? I fucken hate Muschietti, was it necessary to justify Bill cheating on her??? Nope, we could have simply have Bill not kiss Beverly and that’s it, also I am kinda salty Audra is not part of the plot.

Lmao Henry, like he fell on the fucken pipe and you could hear his fucken bones breaking and craking and he gets to get up and walk home????????? Whyyy y y , Muschietti ????

We never really got to see how deeply ingrained Pennywise is in the town, he is actually Derry. And if Muschietti thinks he fixed the wtf ending everyone complained about in the 90's adaptation he is on fucken drugs, this ending is super messed up and has nothing to do with the book or with anything at all, we never get to know what exactly is Pennywise, his true form it's a clown spider apparently or something cuz the death lights were there but not really ???

STAN was fucken robbed (again) last time he was completely ereased, he was physically there on the scenes but that’s it, his personality was null. And his thing, the thing that made him comit suicide was the fact that he was the one to see the death lights, the most logical and disbelieving of them faced something far beyond anyone's comprehension and they gave that to Bev?? And the death lights apparently gave her Final Destination abilities? ?????

Eddie was robbed. Of so so much. Muschietti fuck you. Frist off why isn't Eddie the CEO of some app like Uber like he was the Losers Club compass he was a great fucking driver, he loved sports (I actually got excited when they had this scene with the baseball game cuz i thought it was gonna be an Eddie scene but nope) y not connect that with this Token bs Muschietti pulled off his ass (this is actually a great idea, and could symbolize the Losers' lost childhood IF Muschietti had been assed to give them significance or something in part 1) His death scene. Just why? Why are his last words a cheap joke instead of a love confession, fuck it Muschietti if u wanted R3ddi3 have the courage to really do it (in the books the Losers take turns to carry his body out of the sewer cuz they will not leave him there, that's more meaningful than them diving) One of his most beautiful quotes is something Bill is writing??? Lmaoooo Bill wishes he could have thought up that (I love Bill but come the fuck on)

Why make such a huge deal out of B3nv3rly or r3ddi3 when the point of it all was that the Losers Club all loved each other, apart from whatever romantic feelings, they found a family in one another and they really erased that in this movie, I was like y are this ppl friends with each other. Mike drugged Bill, Richie was awfull to everyone, they barely had a conversation in the restaurant (biihhh the 90s miniseries does this better) and show no respect for Mike at all ( I mean I am not surprised cuz Muschietti has no respect for Mike as a character at all) or bill like nah son.

Stephen King cameo was there I guess, it was fine.

The Kiss me fat boy, of all things u could have taken from the 90's miniseries why that?????

Ben building the house club by himself ???? Bullshit, Muschietti ereased another great Losers Club bonding time and hate him for it.

MIKE, I AM ENRAGED. So Muschietti is braver than King for making R3ddi3 "canon" but he destroyed Mike's entire character and that is fine with y'all mmmmm. His parents were "crackheads" apparently cuz it's not like that is a stereotype black ppl have carried on for years on end, he did not go to school, he was not the historian but now he is cuz he had to stay and he is crazy and obsesive and drugs Bill and also stole from a native american tribe???? FUCK this so fucken much I hate it with all my being .

How does such a choppy movie manage to drag on forever??? Like there were still 45 Min left and I was bored out of my mind. Why is the final arc so bad??? Like some much stuff that could have actually gotten away with erasing (Paul Bunyan, whyyy it was so silly, it doesn't even work in the book, but fine like King was super high he barely remembers writing it, why take it to the big screen u should have sticked to him being afraid of clowns like u had already messed up) and added and could have added things that actually enriched the adaptation.

I just give up. Like if they do a 3rd one like it's rumored I won't see it, Muschietti clearly does not know how to be subtle or to have meaningful character arcs, he is just good for cheap jumpscares, one líners and yo mama jokes so I pass. I really hoped the up coming King adaptations are better than this one. That being said the movie had real fun/enjoyable moments, if this were not an adaptation I would have liked it a hella lot more than I did but alas nope.

[ghostspies]

the previous year was great but 2019 has been a full year with my girlfriend whomst i love and i cant imagine anything better, i always thought i'd sort of..be doing things alone but no, this is it; a lot of other things happened but this has been the most defining one; also depression is fully gone i think, i dont have to keep a strict routine anymore im just Livingg; some of the other things that happened include:

spraining my ankle at sisters prom

going to masopust for the first time and its something i can look forward to every year

attending a wedding of ppl my age.....here it comes....... afterwards we drove 6 people in a tiny car, took the fancy clothes off and went for a swim, v fun, then we went for smažák

travelling all day by train to collect seashells to the most beautiful place 😭 by myself..i planned it all and had my own money to pay for it..lifechanging truly; i knew exactly what to do to make myself happy, every day spent there added a year to my lifespan

a trip to the Alps with my gf, we had a propane heater in a tiny room, fishe served in paper eaten by a lake, a broken boot

Marseille 😭 the museum exhibit, the city itself at night, rats, just being dve kocicky in a přímořský město in general, flying, and again knowing exactly what we want and being able to do it; then some smaller summer weekend trips, like swimming in a dirty rybník in kařez, walking through kutná hora like an old couple, and just choosing random places to go by train + berlin now in autumn

also going camping to austria with my dad and sister just like when we were little, singing by the campfire and playing hide and seek, the purest trip you can imagine

finally making and firing my own ceramics

getting asthma somehow :/

sunprinting on silk, trying camera obscura again; diy lip balms, tie dye, bleaching black clothes, sewing some as well, discovering those rly cheap second hand stores with 10kc tshirts.

making an art piece for a queer party with karolina lol

Finally !! getting additional ear piercings

FIN A L L Y managing to go to the dentist, one of my biggest fears

reading a book on joan of arc

getting to learn more about philosophy and history, materials, objects, true crime and psychology, physics, mostly through podcasts and books and going to museums

andd His dark materials series came out aa

i keep trying to make more art or just draw but i can feel it getting harder

aand i feel like i got a little bit uglier but thats ok

at work i had to learn to order all the art supplies from all our suppliers and i kind of run the store now lol, thats a bit stressful but i prefer it to just selling them bcs i know more and can be more confident; also my old coworker left and i got the most u s e l e s s w o m a n instead, she rly kept testing me

i have enough energy to message ppl first, think of activities we can do together, even spend more time with my family

in conclusion: the proper teenage summer i never had, the whole year was so pleasant

for 2020 i wanna: be even less rigid and still and afraid and just do things more spontaneously and stay in movement, learn more about things im interested in, maybe buy or download some textbooks?

try and draw more, even if its just traing the skill and not being creative

be more social and take iniciative and help and not just drag along most of the time