#I feel like a shell of the person I was 6 years ago

[brayexoscience]

.

[ashwhowrites]

Eddie/reader. Angst to fluff.

Reader is a nerd.

Thinking grass is greener but it’s not/being scared to love.

Eddie’s always had a crush on a Cheerleader, so even through he’s been with Reader for 6 m. When the opportunity to be the cheerlead’s secret partner Eddie goes for it, dumping reader. Eddie quickly realises he just liked the idea of dating a cheerleader, not the reality. She very selfish and wants Eddie to change but won’t change herself. He misses Reader the whole time, and realises/admits to loving her. He tries to win her back but is he too late and too much water under the bridge? (I hope not, but I leave that to you.)

Thanks

I hope this is what you wanted and you enjoy it. Thank you for requesting 🫶🏻 I had a lot of ideas for this one

⚠️second half wasn't proofread or checked for nothing so 💅🏻

Lose it all for something more?

Eddie had this thing where he always wanted more. It didn't matter how much he had. He'd jump from girl to girl because he loved the new feeling.

He's had a crush on a cheerleader named Becca for years. But she never gave him the time of day. She was full of herself and believed everyone was below her, but she was hot and that was enough. But she never looked Eddie's way, but Y/N did.

Y/N became his girlfriend six months ago, and Eddie adored her. She was a sweet ball of sunshine and she was good for him. She rubbed off on him and he became a better person. He had manners and tried harder in school. She was perfect for him in every way. They had an amazing connection and tons in common. Eddie never thought he'd find someone so perfect for him.

He wasn't sure if he was in love or not, he was still waiting to feel it. He kept waiting to feel a huge rush of emotion to smack him in the face and tell him he was in love.

But since he had to question it, he figured he just wasn't.

~

Eddie was dealing at a party, bored out of his mind as he waited for Y/N to come with his drink.

"Here, handsome," Y/N said as she placed the drink down. He smiled at the name and pecked her lips as a thank you. She sat next to him and cuddled into his arm. The air was chilly as the wind brushed across their bodies. She shivered in her t-shirt and sipped her drink.

"Here, babe," Eddie said, he slipped off his jacket and placed it over her shoulders. She snuggled into his scent.

A few customers came and left. Y/N enjoyed talking to everyone and bringing Eddie out of his shell more. She had a huge impact on his social life, before her he never made time to talk with his clients. But now, he could consider some of them friends.

"Big six-month anniversary is coming up. You lovers have something planned?" Brad, a jock that Eddie found himself liking.

"Of course, I got it all planned. A special evening for my special girl." Eddie said, his arm thrown over her shoulder as he squished her against him.

She blushed under his arm and loved that he was planning something special for her.

"You two make me sick, but a beauty like her deserves the best" Brad joked as he walked off with his weed. The couple laughed and watched him go.

"I need to go to the bathroom, be right back," Y/N said, she stood up and went to walk away but Eddie grabbed her arm. He turned her around and pulled her down to his lips.

"Forget something?" He smirked as he looked up at her liquor-coated lips. She smiled and leaned in, pressing her lips against his.

He hummed at the beer on her lips and tried to sneak his tongue into her mouth but she pulled away.

"Bathroom," She laughed, giving him a soft peck before she left.

Eddie found himself staring as she walked away, completely captivated by her. From her swaying pony and hips, he couldn't look away.

"Pretty girl you got there," a voice said

"I kn-Becca!" Eddie said as he turned around. He was surprised to see Becca sitting across from him with a smirk on her red lips.

"Eddie," she greeted

Eddie wiped his hands against his jeans as he felt his palms sweat.

"How can I help you?" He kept his voice confident but he was shaking on the inside.

"Do you know a lot about cars?" She asked, she crossed her arms causing her breasts to pop. Eddie tried not to look but then she leaned over the table and he looked down. She smirked as she saw his eyes move down.

"Eyes are up here," she teased. Eddie gulped and snapped his eyes back to her face. Now noticing she was closer than before.

"I..uh...I know some about cars." Eddie stuttered

"Think you could help me?"

~

Y/N walked back to the table but found it empty. Eddie carelessly left his lunchbox of drugs unattended. She sat down and went through the box to make sure none of it was missing.

~

Eddie closed the hood of the car and wiped his dirty hands on his jeans.

"Should be as good as new," Eddie said with a smile

"Thank you! How can I repay you?" she batted her eyelashes as she stood in front of him. He backed up until he was against her car and her body was pressed against his.

"No need," he said, he looked down at her lips as she leaned in.

"Maybe just a kiss? As a thank you?" she whispered against his lips, he shivered as he felt her breath. He spent years pining after this girl, and she was throwing herself at him.

Eddie was lost for words, instead letting his actions talk. He wrapped his hand around her neck and brought her lips to his. It wasn't a gentle or loving kiss. It was hungry and desperate. Her hands ran up and down his chest, as their tongues moved against each other. He kept his tongue in her mouth as he turned them around. Pressing her against the car as he lifted her leg to wrap around his waist.

Her hands went under her shirt, and her nails scratched down his stomach. He shivered from her touch and melted into her body. She lit him on fire in a way he had never felt before.

~

Y/N began to get worried when Eddie still hadn't returned. She finished off his deals and packed up. She zipped up his jacket and began to walk around the backyard to see if she could find him.

With no luck, she went inside the house. She swore she checked every room.

"Looking for someone?" Eddie said in her ear. She jumped as he appeared behind her. His eyes were dark, almost lust-filled and his hair was a mess.

"Yeah, you! Where did you go? And why is your hair so messy?" she laughed as she started to fix his hair.

"Helped a client with their car," Eddie said as he showed her his dirty hands.

"Well, that is very sweet of you. But next time don't leave the goodies around the bears unattended." she teased as she handed him his lunchbox.

"Always looking out for me," Eddie cooed as he patted her head.

She giggled and swatted away his hand.

"Let's go get some real food," Eddie said as he laced his fingers with hers.

They walked outside and headed to his van. He opened her door and closed it behind her. He walked to his side and looked towards the house. He smirked when he saw Becca wink and blow a kiss before she walked in.

~~~

After that party, Eddie couldn't get Becca out of his head. He was still in shock that he made out with her and dry-humped against her car. The dirty images never left his head as he jerked himself off to it every other night.

He wanted her

He craved her

And he needed her

But did she want him?

~~~

It was another party night and Eddie was working on his deals. To his delight, Becca took the seat across from him.

"Where's your girl?" Becca asked, her eyes were on Eddie all night and she didn't see Y/N anywhere.

"She's with her friends tonight."

"So, you are here alone?"

"I am, why do you ask?" Eddie asked

"Meet me in the bathroom and find out." She said as she stood up.

~

Eddie tossed and turned in bed that night. He felt conflicted. He cheated on his girlfriend twice, and even went as far as hooking up with someone else in a bathroom, and he didn't feel guilty.

He felt like he should, but he knew if it happened again, he'd pick the same route. He'd pick to have Becca wrapped around him as he watched her in the mirror. Becca was his dream girl and now that he had a taste, he couldn't give her up.

He thought about the offer Becca gave him. He had the opportunity to be with Becca, but he would have to break up with his girlfriend.

Would Becca be worth it?

~~~

"What did you want to talk about?" Y/N asked as Eddie sat on her bed. She felt a little nervous because it was uncommon for Eddie to call and ask to talk about something.

"I cheated on you," he said it so easily, it ran off his tongue like he said it many times before.

"When?" she whispered, it hurt to look at him so she stared at his hands. She could feel the tears building and she wasn't in control of when they'd flow freely.

"Last night, at a party."

Y/N didn't want to know anything more. She reached over and grabbed his hand. Eddie looked at her confused. He thought she'd scream and smack him.

"Well, I mean it was just a mistake, right? I know you get drunk at parties and we can move past this. We can fix it." She said with a small smile. She was dying on the inside but the love for Eddie was too much to leave behind.

"No," he said as he unlaced their hands. She watched confused as he stood up. "I cheated on you and you want to fix this?"

"I kissed someone else, I mean I fucked her in a bathroom! And you want to fix this?" She wasn't sure why he was getting angry with her. If anyone should have been mad it was her.

"Please can we just not talk about it? You were drunk and it was a mistake."

"I WASN'T DRUNK! I CHEATED BECAUSE I WANTED TO, NOT BECAUSE OF ALCOHOL OR DRUGS. I WANTED TO" Eddie screamed, he was breathing heavily as she wiped the tears from her face.

"Sit down and let's talk it out then, okay?" she offered. She was weak and all she wanted was him. She cried as she begged him with her eyes.

"No, answer me, why do you want to fix this? Why do you have faith in this?"

"Why don't you?" she asked, "why don't you want to fix this? Why won't you even apologize!" She said, she stood up and went toe to toe with him.

"Because I don't want to be with you anymore," he admitted. It felt like a knife went straight through her chest. "Because I'm not in love with you." He yanked out the knife to watch her bleed all over the floor.

"I HATE YOU!" she screamed, all the hurt she felt she used as she banged against his chest. She sobbed and sobbed and he just stood there. "I DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU, WHY WASN'T IT ENOUGH?" she shoved his chest and he tumbled backward a little. "WHY WHY WHY WHY" she kept pushing him until he grabbed her arms.

"BECAUSE YOU AREN'T HER AND YOU NEVER WILL BE" he screamed in her face, his grip tight on her arms as she tried to wiggle them free.

She was choking on her own sobs as she tried to get air in her lungs

"But I love you," she cried as she looked up to him.

"But I don't. I'm sorry," he whispered as he let go of her arms.

"Get out," she spat, her tears turned hot as anger was lashing out of her body. "Take your stupid gift and never come near me again. I hate you and I hope she breaks your pathetic little heart like you did mine."

She yanked open her closet and dug around for his gift. It was in a box that was wrapped so he didn't know what it was. She shoved it into his chest, hard.

"I don't want this," he said as he tried to give it back

"I have no use for it and I don't want the reminder of you." she spat as she shoved it back. "Now get THE FUCK OUT!"

Eddie tucked the gift under his arm and walked out. Her bedroom door slammed behind him and her sobs somehow grew louder the further he walked away.

~~~

Eddie and Becca had been sneaking around for two months. The first month was everything Eddie dreamed it would be. But he quickly realized being with Becca was different than dreaming of being with her.

He kept holding on to the hope it would feel as good as it was in the first month. But he had a feeling there wouldn't be a change.

~

"Hellfire again? You went last week." Becca complained.

"It is a weekly thing, Becca. You knew this." Eddie sighed as he leaned against her locker.

The hallway was empty so Becca allowed them to talk, otherwise the fight would happen in the back of his van.

"Whatever, if you want to do that instead of hanging out with your girlfriend then whatever." she snapped as she marched off.

Eddie smacked his head against the locker, in moments like this he couldn't help but think of Y/N. She was supportive of Hellfire and even sat in on a few sessions. He thought about how she'd sit on his lap and read ahead. She'd gasp at the spoilers ahead and whisper in his ear about her thoughts.

It was actions like that Eddie realized what being loved felt like.

He didn't feel loved by Becca at all.

~~~

"Remember, don't talk to me if other people are around," Becca said as Eddie parked his van a block away from the party. Becca didn't like to arrive together or be seen leaving together.

"Would it be the end of the world to be seen with me?" Eddie scoffed as he got out of the van.

"End of my social life, yeah."

~

Eddie sat on the couch as he watched the party around him. He watched the couples dance and sloppily make out like no one was around. He used to be one of them. He used to be happy like that.

He watched as Becca talked with her friends, not once looking towards him. He almost felt like she only liked Eddie because he was with someone else.

~

"So, prom is next week. What time should I pick you up?" Eddie asked as he drove both of them to his trailer.

"Why would you pick me up?" Becca laughed as she turned to look at him.

"We've been dating for almost three months so I figured we could go together and tell people about us," Eddie explained

"Why? Because you said so? We never talked about going public. And there is no way I'd ever go to prom with you."

"Will you ever admit to being with me?" Eddie asked, he felt like he already knew the answer.

"Eddie, we are having fun. It's not like either of us expects to go the long run and marry each other. Why ruin what we have?"

Because he ruined everything for her and now he regretted it.

~~~

It was the night before prom and Eddie called it quits with Becca. If the relationship taught him anything, it was that he did love Y/N. He fell in love the whole time but couldn't recognize it.

Eddie knocked on the door and waited for her to open it.

"What are you doing here?" Y/N asked, she kept the space between the door small to remind him he wasn't welcomed in.

"To admit how wrong I was." Eddie confessed, Y/N tried to fight the urge to roll her eyes. "I thought I wasn't in love with you and I figured after six months I should have known. But once you were gone, I realized everything I felt was already love. I was an idiot and I'm so sorry."

"Eddie..."

"I know. I fucked up. I took everything we had and ruined it for my own selfish reasons. I regret everything and I regret how I broke it off with you. I never should have cheated. You were enough and you are perfect. I learned that there isn't anyone better than you and the love you gave me is something I'd never feel from anyone else. I don't know why you loved me, but you did. And I took it for granted. I'm sorry for everything."

"What do you truly want Eddie?" Y/N sighed. She was glad she finally got the apology she deserved but she didn't know if it was enough to erase all the pain he caused. All the shame she felt and the heartbreak.

"I want to make this up to you. I want to go to prom with you and show you off. You deserve to have the magical night you've been dreaming about." Eddie said, he felt hopeful as it seemed she was thinking about it.

Then she smiled and nodded. "I'd like that. I'll see you tomorrow Eddie."

Eddie smiled as she closed the door.

Maybe there was hope after all.

~~~

Eddie pulled up to her house at the time she gave. He was dressed in his suit and it walked up to her door.

He held flowers in one hand and knocked with the other.

But no one came to the door. He knocked again and then a few times more. He set down the flowers, and walked around the house to look through the windows. Everything was dark and he couldn't see anything.

Eddie walked back to his van and headed off to the school. Maybe he was meant to meet her at prom?

~

Eddie pulled up to the dance and walked in. He searched around for Y/N. He wasn't sure what she was wearing so he had to really look at faces and hair.

He saw Becca and went the opposite direction. Still ashamed for how caught up he got in her.

Eddie sighed in relief when he saw Brad, "Hey, have you seen Y/N?"

"Why do you ask?" Brad asked, Eddie was taken back from the glare Brad sent his way.

"Why does it matter? Have you seen her or not?" Eddie snapped.

"It matters because you're asking where my date is." Brad argued, he crossed his arms and looked down at Eddie. Eddie didn't want to shrink down, but he did. Brad was one of the big jocks, even though he was friendly, he had no problem tearing someone apart.

"Wait, she's your date?" Eddie was confused. Just last night she said yes to him. "When did you ask?"

"Last month, you know when you were still chasing Becca like a lost puppy? You weren't the only one who moved on, Munson." Brad said, he patted Eddie's shoulder in a mocking way with a smirk and walked off.

Eddie was consumed with so much anger. And he wasn't leaving until he talked to her. Eddie followed behind Brad, figuring he would lead him to her.

And he was right.

Eddie watched as she smiled happily as Brad leaned down and kissed her lips. She looked beautiful. She was in a black dress with dashes of red, and Brad's tie matched her perfectly. She truly planned on going with Brad all along.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Eddie yelled as he grabbed her arm to yank her away from Brad.

Brad got protective fast, shoving Eddie's hands off of her and getting in his face.

"I got this, babe. Just two minutes?" Y/N said, she leaned up and pecked Brad's cheek and he nodded. He gave them some space but he watched from afar in case he needed to step in.

"What kind of game is this? You said yes but you are all cosy with fucking Brad?" Eddie spat. But she didn't back down. She got as close to his face as she could as she clenched her jaw.

"Hurts to be lied to and led on, doesn't it?" She smirked as the words worked their way through Eddie's head.

"We were done the second you walked out and I meant it. I would say I'm sorry but I'm really not. You cheated and you didn't want me. I found someone who did and someone who doesn't care that I'm not a cheerleader. Someone who wasn't afraid to end up with me because he didn't feel like he was missing out on someone else. Bye, Eddie." She said then turned around.

Eddie watched as she grabbed Brad's hand and they walked away. Eddie couldn't help but feel tears building in his eyes. He ran out of the school and jumped in his van. He cried as he bashed his hands against the steering wheel. It was all his fault and he hated that. He hated that he had everything in the palm of his hands and he wanted more.

He always wanted more.

He angrily ripped off his jacket and threw it in the back, he heard it land on a box and he turned around. The gift she gave was still untouched.

He reached behind him and grabbed it. He tore it open and whatever was left of his heart snapped all over again.

A scrapbook of all their memories in one place. Each page was a reminder of who he lost, the love he lost.

Now he was alone with nothing but regret.

Tags!

@bmunson86 @mxcheese @ladymunson @michaelfuckinglangdon @z0mbie-blah @biittersweet @mirrorsstuff @somethingvicked @micheledawn1975 @ago-godance @magnificantmermaid @tlclick73 @hargrovesswifee @cityofidek @silky-luxe @lokiofasgard616 @loving-and-dreaming @eddiemunsonsbitch69 @thegemaqua @ashlynnkennedy @strangerthingsstories5255 @harringt8ns @pleasinghellfire @whoscamila @stusdollface93 @gretavankleep37 @bellaisswagger @arlxt

[ninii-winchester]

Timeless Love

Pairing : Dean Winchester X Reader

Word count : 3.7k

Warnings : angst, s12 ep 6 (spoilers), canon violence, mentions of demons, slight mention of john winchester, mentions of amara (slight spoiler), taylor swift reference (?), fluff. Not proofread.

Part 2 to Fleeting Love.

A/n: I don’t remember what exactly happened in that episode i just winged it.

I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION TO COPY MY WORK, TRANSLATE IT OR POST IT TO ANY OTHER PLATFORM. REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED.

Leaving was the hardest thing Dean had to do other than breaking Y/n's heart. He cried himself to sleep every night after seeing her looking like a shell of herself at school. He missed her smile and he missed being the reason of her smile. How could he let himself fall for someone, when he knew he could never have that kind of life. Loving her was the best and the worst decision of his life. Best because he got to know what love actually feels like and worst because he knows he'd never find anything like that ever again. He wouldn't allow himself to love anyone else in this lifetime. She was his first and last love.

Dean had left town, and Y/n was still picking up the pieces of a shattered heart. Days turned into weeks, but the ache never dulled. Every time she walked by the places they'd shared—her favorite diner, the lakeside road where they'd stargazed—the memories rushed in like a flood. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't outrun the ghost of him.

As much as she wanted to hate him, part of her would always him. He was her first love, her first kiss and her first time. Deep down she knew it had everything to do with his father but his betrayal was still fresh in her mind. She knew her Dean wouldn't do that her but she wished he'd stood against his father. She wished he would've fought for their love. If only she knew the reason he couldn't do it.

Fifteen years had come and gone, and Y/n had built a life—one filled with new memories, a different kind of happiness. But despite the time and distance, her heart remained anchored to a love she never truly let go of. It wasn't that she was stuck in the past; she had moved on in every way that mattered. Yet, in the quiet moments, when the world fell still, it was Dean's face she saw, his voice she heard, as if time had never touched the feelings she carried for him.

Y/n let out a sigh as she waited for her flight to be announced. She was going to Canada for a wake of the man who saved her life. She vividly remembered six years ago, she was coming back from work and a huge dog like creature attacked her. She wouldn't have believed had she not seen it with her own eyes. It was a werewolf.

She dug into the supernatural, surprised by the sheer amount of lore tied to what was already known. Myths, legends, and creatures she once thought were just stories had entire histories woven into the fabric of the world she knew.

Asa Fox was the one that killed the thing and rescued her. Now he was no more. She owed it him to atleast pay her final respects to him.

Hours later she landed in Canada and made her way towards Asa's mother's house. It was late at night when she arrived. She stepped inside and noticed a small crowd gathered in the living room, while others lingered in the kitchen and a few more were out in the backyard. They were all lost in conversation, sharing memories and stories of the brave hunter they had come together to mourn. The air was heavy with both grief and respect as they honored the life he'd lived.

She'd found Asa's mother and paid her condolences to her, recounting how her son had saved her life and how she looked up to him. The older woman nodded and Y/n took it as her cue to leave her alone. She walked the hallway and bumped into someone, she quickly apologised and looked up to them and all the air seemed to leave her lungs.

"You.." she choked on her words and the other person looked at her in mild confusion and threw her an anticipatory glance. "Mary Winchester." Y/n finally spoke. The older woman tried to rack her brain if she knew the woman infront of her but her mind remained blank.

Y/n had seen photos of Dean's mother in his room also in his wallet and she adored how much he loved his mother. Her mind went haywire thinking back to when he told her his mother died in a house fire. Did he lie? Why would he though? Thousands of thoughts ran into her mind as she thought back to her relationship with the Winchester. Even after fifteen years he's still vivid in her head. Did everything he tell her was a lie? Was Dean even his real name.

Y/n could feel herself hyperventilate and she immediately wanted to put space between the supposedly dead woman and herself. She went to the kitchen to grab herself some water. There were only two people in the kitchen, a woman with a pixie cut and a man taller than anyone she had ever seen. She grabbed a water bottle chugging it down and calming her heartbeat. She took a deep breath before speaking,

"Uhm sorry to intrude but, is a Mary Winchester out there?" She questioned the couple gesturing towards the hallway she came from. The man looked at her with a unreadable look in his eyes.

"Yeah." The woman responded.

Y/n sighed, — atleast I'm not going crazy. She thought to herself. But if that's Dean's mom, what on earth is she doing here?

"You're Y/n." The man said. It wasn't a question. He knew her. She craned her neck to look up at his face and she furrowed her brows.

"I'm sorry have we met before?" She questioned taking a step forward. A sad smile appeared on his face. The woman beside him looked at him expectantly waiting for his reply.

"You seriously don't remember me?" He chuckled and she shook her head.

"I'm sorry, but I'd remember if I had met someone as big as you." She replied leaning on the counter behind her.

"I wasn't this big when we met Y/n/n." Sam spoke and the nickname made her eyes flash with recognition but it was quickly overtaken by the hurt that came with those memories.

"Sammy." It just slipped out. She didn't mean to call him by that name, but when he called her y/n/n, it came out subconsciously. Her heart started beating loudly at the thought of his brother being here. She had never thought she'd ever meet Dean Winchester ever again and she was not ready.

Sam knew whatever happened between her and his brother hurt her more than anything and he wouldn't blame her if she up and left without a word, but he'd missed her. And he missed the man his brother was when he was with Y/n. After her, he was just a shell of a man, running on his father's commands like a soldier. Someone who seemed to let go off every emotion and just waiting for his father's next order.

Sam introduced Y/n to the woman beside him as sherrif Jody Mills and she was good friend.

"How're you Y/n?" Sam asked and she looked at him remembering the small kid she used help with homework.

"Been good. How about you?" Sam scoffed at her question. If only she knew how he's been. And how his brother's been. Coming back from the dead, hell, purgatory. She'd probably throw a chair at him for making up all this bullshit.

"Good yeah." Sam nodded. Y/n could hear footsteps approaching and prayed it wasn't who she thought it was. God knew she didn't want to see him. Maybe she hadn't been a good person, and this was her punishment, because Dean Winchester walked into the kitchen, her breath caught in her lungs.

"Sammy where the he-" Dean words got caught in his mouth as his gaze landed on her.

Y/n looked at the man she had loved and hoped that after all these years, she'd have fallen out of love with him. But one look and her heart started thudding against her ribcage. He had aged, but somehow, he was even more handsome. He was muscular now, his arms toned beneath his layers, and she could see it all. She could feel her eyes water and she didn't want to create a scene at someone's wake, she pushed past Sam and left the space with a word.

Dean stood frozen, he couldn't believe he'd run into her here of all places. The sight of her brought back a flood of memories and feelings he thought he had buried long ago. Despite the years and the changes, she was just as beautiful as he remembered. But then he wondered why was she here? Is she a relative? Does she know about the supernatural? Or worse is she a hunter?

He didn't know the answer to his questions but he knew one thing, that them meeting again after fifteen years was fate. And he'd be damned if he let go off her ever again. He'd do anything in his power to win her back because God knows he's been miserable since the minute he broke up with her. Without wasting another second Dean went behind her. He could see her going to the backyard and taking in deep breaths.

"Y/n." He said approaching her.

"Go away Dean.”

“Just hear me out once.” He pleaded.

“I don't want to hear any more of your lies." Her voice cracked as she spoke and Dean knew she was on the verge of crying.

"Lies? What lies?" He asked holding her arm and turning her to look at him. She shrugged her arm out of his grip and pulled away harshly.

"Maybe you have a bad memory Dean, fifteen years isn't that long of a time to forget about it." She snapped glaring at him. "Need I remind you of your lies? My mom died when I was four! She's inside I've seen her with my own eyes." She yelled. "I love you Y/n! And the very next day after breaking up with me I see you making out with some cheerleader. You don't do that to someone you love." She cried pushing at his chest. "You're a goddamn liar so leave me the fuck alone like you did that night at the park."

Each and every word pierced through him like a needle. It was worse than spending forty years in Hell. He knew he'd hurt her and deserved everything she threw his way, but hearing her think that he didn't love her—it just broke his heart. He never lied about his love for her.

"Y/n, baby please let me explain. I swear I'll tell you everything." He said holding her hand and she pushed him again.

"Don't touch me. And I don't need your explanations." She wiped her tears. "I'm not here for you I'm here for Asa." Dean felt a pang of jealousy at the late hunter's name and he wondered if they'd had something before he died. Is that why she's here. He completely forgot it's been fifteen years and there might be a possibility that she'd moved on. 

"How do you even know him?" He couldn't but ask. His jealousy getting the better of him.

"That is none of your concern." She retorted sharply.

"Sweetheart please hear me out." Dean begged and she moved to go back inside but the doors were locked.

"What the hell?" She tried turning the doorknob but it didn't budge. The two of them were locked out. Dean tried pushing the door but to no avail.

"Hello Dean." Dean turned to see Billie standing there and she was smirking almost evilly.

"Billie what are you doing here?" He asked the reaper. And she told him she's here to do what she does. She's here to take everyone who's inside. Dean asked her what's happening inside and she tells him a demon's got them locked inside and something about vengeance. He had to save Sam, his mom and Jody. Dean tells her to open the door for him and let him go inside, she makes him a deal to never interfere in the natural order of things and he agrees as long as she lets him inside.

"Dean what the hell is going on?" Y/n was now scared. Although she was well aware of supernatural theoretically but she was in no way prepared to fight. And demons? She didn't know those were real too.

"I'll explain later." Dean replied as calmly as possible. "Billie, I need you to keep her safe, please." Dean requested and the reaper raised her brow.

"Dean, I can either keep her safe or let you inside. I'm getting one thing out of this deal, and you're getting only one too." His jaw clenched at her words and he was internally cursing her for being a bitch.

"Fine. Get us in." He begrudgingly told the reaper and she created an opening in the door. Dean turned to Y/n and cupped her face in his large hands. "We're going in, but you gotta trust me, sweetheart. Stay by my side and I'll protect you." Y/n thought he was completely out his wits asking her to go inside a place where there's a demon.

"Time's of essence Dean." Billie commented and he glared at her. He held Y/n's hand and before she knew the two of them were inside. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw Sam, Jody and his mom alive, and even the others. Sam filled him in how the demon had cut off the water supply and locked all the doors. Y/n was terrified of being locked in a house with a demon but Dean held her close to him. His hand gripping hers tightly.

They all gathered in the living room to make a devils trap to trap whoever the demon was possesing and to keep themselves safe, being inside it.

"Dean who was that outside?" Y/n questioned her voice a quiet whisper.

"That was Billie she's a reaper." Dean replied moving her into the devils trap. She looked at him wide eyed.

"A reaper? The one that takes souls?" She questioned and he nodded. "You're acquainted with a reaper? What the fuck?" Before either of them could say any further Jody accused Mary of being possessed since her was last one to come into the room.

Sam and Dean tensed at her accusation of their mom being possessed but then Mary stepped into the devil's trap and moved out proving she's not it. Then Jody started cackling evilly, saying that was clever of Mary. With a flick of her hand she wooshed the trap, then she started attacking everyone one by one taunting them. She threw the twins across the wall and then slammed Mary in the door. She moved her hand towards Y/n but Dean pushed her behind him and the demon made him fly in the wall. Y/n was left unguarded and demon closed in on her. Sam neared them but possessed Jody threw him in the cabinet.

Y/n screamed as the demon neared her she inched backwards, her body trembling with fear. Dean watched as Jody wrapped her hand around Y/n's neck, he got up on his feet and pushed Jody away from her, not too harshly to not hurt his friend's body. He wrapped his body over her, shielding her body with his' and Sam started chanting the incantation to exorcise the demon out of Jody. The twins joined them and then Mary finished it off sending the demon back to hell.

The lights flickered back on and everyone was relieved at last. Y/n clutched Dean's shirt in her hands and hid her face in his chest. "You're fine..it's gone." He rubbed her back soothingly. "Hey sweetheart, look at me." Dean made her pull away slightly and placed his fingers underneath her chin making her look at him. "You okay?" She shook her head, no.

An hour later, Y/n was wrapped up in Dean's jacket, his mind drifting off to the first time he'd lend her his jacket and how it was their new beginning. He wondered if it was a sign of their another new beginning together. She sat on the hood of the Impala and the boys stood in front of her.

"What. The. Hell. Was. That?" She looked at Sam and Dean, while Mary and Jody watched their interaction for afar. "I mean I know werewolves and Vampires but demons? Reapers?" Dean grabbed her hand and brushed his thumb over the back of her hand.

"How'd you know about Werewolves and Vampires?" Dean asked softly and she told him how she was attacked by a werewolf and Asa saved her. And she researched a bit about the supernatural and Dean nodded in understanding. He shot Sam a glance and younger understood and left them alone.

"Sweetheart, I'll explain everything and I'll tell you why I left. You see I'm a hunter, my parents were too. I've grown up in this life. My mom did die when I was four. A demon killed her. My dad wanted us to find that demon and kill him. When I met you, I forgot all about it. I wanted to be a normal boy, I did love you with everything I had." She looked up at his eyes and they were sincere, different from when he broke her heart. It wasn't like he was holding back, or hiding something. "My dad, he didn't want you to get involved or me to lose focus. He told me that I should break your heart so you can move on with you life." Dean explained.

"I did move on with my life Dean." He shut his eyes not wanting to see the look on her face when she tells him she found someone else. "But I couldn't love anyone else. You made me question my worth, because, fuck it I was in love. And fuck you Dean for I couldn't have us."

"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to make you question your worth, hell I wanted to show you how much you mean to me, I just wanted to keep you safe, away from this life. You aren't even back in my life for less two hours and look at this mess. I don't even want to think of what harm I would've caused you if you'd been with me all those years." He looked apologetic. "As for my mom, God's sister brought her back."

"Who THE FUCK?" She looked dumbfounded.

"It's long story." Dean chuckled. "All I'm saying is I've loved you this whole time and I only broke up with you because I didn't want you be in danger and because my dad said it was for the best." He rubbed the back of his head, half ashamed.

"Where's your dad?" She asked after few minutes of silence.

"He died, a few years ago." Dean replied gloomily.

"I'm sorry." Even if the man was the reason for her heartbreak she didn't feel good about him being dead. After all he was Dean's father. Dean nodded. "What now?"

"We could try again, that is if you want to. I'm tired of not being with you. I feel meeting you again after all these years, it's fate." Dean said softly. "And I still love you so fucking much." He rested his forehead against her.

"I still love you too, Dean." She whispered. The tension between them hangs in the air, heavy and charged. Without another word, Dean cups Y/N's face, his thumb gently brushing their cheek. There's a moment of hesitation, a breath, and then he leans in, capturing their lips in a passionate kiss.

The kiss is deep, intense, filled with all the unspoken emotions they've both been holding back. Dean pulls Y/N closer, as if trying to convey everything he couldn't say in words. For that moment, it's just the two of them, lost in the heat of the kiss. When they finally pull back, both breathless, Dean's forehead rests against Y/N's, his eyes still closed.

"Being away from you was worse than going to hell."

"As if you'd know what hell’s like." She replied rolling her eyes. Dean pulled away, his eyes filled with mischief.

"Oh I do, I went to hell, i was there for forty years."

"You're lying." She gave him a look and he shook his head.

"I'm not. I went to hell and then Castiel the angel pulled me out. Who by the way is now my best friend."

"SAMMY? HE'S LYING ISN'T HE??" She yelled to the younger Winchester and Dean barked out a laugh at her reaction. Sam didn't know what she was on about so he laughed too.

"You've got a lot of catching up to do, sweetheart." Dean said while helping her down off the hood. He threw an arm over her shoulder and dragged her towards his mom. "Mom this is Y/n. My highschool sweetheart." He said pecking her temple.

“Nice to meet you Mrs. Winchester.” Y/n said extending her hand for her to shake but Mary pulled her into a hug.

“Call me Mary. And welcome to the family.” She smiled. Dean grinned, watching the exchange with a sense of pride. Mary’s embrace made Y/n feel instantly at ease. Mary pulled back slightly, her eyes twinkling with warmth. “I’ve heard so much about you, it’s wonderful to finally put a face to the name.”

“You have?” She questioned looking at Dean who looked away shyly.

“Yeah, I’m sorry I wasn’t around the first time.” Mary joked and Y/n let out an awkward laugh.

Dean stood by, his arm still around Y/n, feeling a deep sense of contentment as his worlds finally came together. He knew they still had a lot to talk about but he also knew that they were meant to be. It’s destiny. Now that he’s got her, he’s never letting her go matter what life throws at him. He’s finally home.

Tags:

@spnfamily-j2 @galway-girlatwork @deangirl96 @queensilber

@s0urw00lf @monkey-d-hoshizora98 @deans-baby-momma @fullbelieverheart

@riah1606 @xx-spooky-little-vampire-xx @hobby27

@starkleila @suckitands33 @m3ntally-unstable @kanekilovelove-blog @candy-coated-misery0731

@blackcherrywhiskey @ladysparkles78 @goest-and-fuckest-thyself-blog @graywrites5567

@thelittlelightinthedarkness @enamoredwithbella @winchesterwild78 @myuhh8

[sebsbarnes]

phantom pain || pietro maximoff

pietro maximoff x reader

summary: i'm jealous of the rain that falls upon your skin, it's closer than my hands have been

warnings: insecurities, none really?? (i think)

word count: 2.9k+ ; angst, comfort

masterlist

a/n: this is a rewrite of a bucky fic i wrote 6 years ago but now much longer, better, and for pietro. sorry for grammar/editing mistakes that are prob here but still enjoy

pietro knew you had been hiding something. he had known you for three years and had been dating you for almost two. over the course of the months and weeks spent with the other he had grown accustomed to your silent cues. the silence that would consume you when tony's party carried on too late and you desperately wished to exit or when you performed poorly during training and steve berated you with tips. but mostly the silence that would linger around you when you were alone. not all the time, no, but there were times when pietro could feel and see the physical shift in your body language.

he never wanted to pry not as a friend or a boyfriend. pietro understood that every avenger has a past life, one that the others are unaware of. though he loved playing back the memories of his childhood and his parents, he too would shift into a silent shell of a person and he would want nothing more than to be left alone and not questioned. pietro loved the abilities he had but some days he wondered whether the extreme heat of his body or the slow-moving world around him actually made him sad. life was no longer normal, his body was no longer normal, nothing was normal.

this is exactly how you felt. the tragedies in your life were sometimes unbearable and if you could disappear you would but you had so much to be thankful for. if it wasn't for the accident you wouldn't be an avenger, you wouldn't have the friends you have, you wouldn't experience even half of what you've had now, and you wouldn't have pietro, the love of your life. at the end of the day you were alive and more than often, incredibly happy.

but there were those times you fell into silence over your newfound life, mainly the consequences of the accident. your memory still struggled, you were weak for a very long time, and when the weather got too cold you could feel the ache in your bones. you weren't like the rest of the avengers who possessed special abilities or were highly skilled in combat. three and a half years ago you were a normal person. you had a normal life, job, family, and friends, up until the accident. and every day the phantom pain reminds you of what was taken.

it was winter when you first met all the avengers. they all lived together and after you recovered from the accident, tony wanted you here, to live here. you protested the idea for a while claiming that tony's generosity was far too much. he had already saved you from the accident and offering a space to live and a job was incredulous, but after much debate you agreed. that first day you silently sat in the corner of the room while all the avengers had a meeting. you swayed back and forth in the rolling chair, taking in the information and occasionally stealing glances at a silver-haired man.

"and this is (y/n)!," tony exclaimed, "our newest friend here so please for the love of god be kind during the acclamation period. i'm already prematurely greying and i don't need anymore."

the meeting was over and one by one the avengers came to greet you, offering their names and welcomes and soon the silver-haired man approached you.

pietro stuck his hand out to shake yours. he found it odd that despite the room being almost swelteringly hot from the heater, you still had your gloves on.

"i'm pietro."

it was about three weeks later you found yourself sitting with pietro, clint, steve, and natasha. everyone was sitting on the couch talking about whatever topic you possibly could conjure up. there was a lull in conversation before clint spoke up.

"hey," he said turning towards you, "why do you have gloves on?"

it was as if clint never spoke and without missing a beat you stood up, looking down at pietro, "wanna help me finish building my desk?"

pietro hesitated a moment, eyes flickering over to clint, "of course."

pietro had come to learn not to question why you covered your hands in those first few months. any mention of you hiding them was never met with an answer. he was protective of you and he felt himself falling for you each day, and you the same. the two of you did a lot together, you cooked, clean, went out, watched movies, almost everything together and you loved it. it felt like home here and pietro felt like home.

it was a big dinner, the night you finally took your gloves off. there was no special reason why, to be frank, you just decided to no longer be embarrassed.

"c'mon kid we all got something weird about us. i play in a suit all day, cap runs around in tights, pietro is faster than the speed of light, and parker shoots webs... from his hands!" tony ranted on.

you sighed, "i know. i just feel weird on top of this because i am still new here."

"we all have been new," tony started, inspecting your hands one final time, "no one will judge you, kid, but take it at your own pace. you don't owe anyone nothing. well, maybe except me," he winked.

only two hours later you were all seated at the big table with everyone to eat. from tony, to pietro, to thor, to natasha, to sam, everyone was here. next to you was tony and rhodey, pietro across from you pulling funny faces while the food was served out. you fidgeted with your fingers in your lap trying to stall picking up the fork and knife. everyone had started eating and chatting amongst the group when you finally lifted your arms to the table and started cutting into the chicken.

pietro watched as you shifted in your seat, your forearms coming to rest on the white cloth and your fingers wrapping around the fork and knife. the first time he has ever seen your hands.

your metal hands.

after that night there were murmurs throughout the crew about the state of your hands. people were confused why someone who led a normal life ended up with metal hands, similar to bucky's arm. the word accident had floated through the air but you never commented on it.

winter had turned into spring that ended all too quickly and now it was the dead of summer. the day was slow and pietro was bored and craving movement. his head was hanging over the arm of the couch, his silver hair hung to the floor.

"want to get ice cream?" he asked.

"it's like you read my mind," you grinned swiping your wallet off the counter.

you and pietro wandered around town aimlessly before stopping at the ice cream shop. he admired the way you threw your head back in laughter and the way you covered your mouth when he said something outlandish. even though pietro's body ran warm he could feel the increasing heat spread throughout his cheeks each time you shot him a smile and his name rolled off your lips.

in an instant, he thought he ruined it all when he reached out and wrapped his fingers in yours. he felt your fingers twitching and the way you misstepped.

"i'm sorry," accent thick as he retracted his hand.

you smiled softly at him before gently grabbing his hand, "don't be."

it was that day over a hot fudge sundae that you told pietro what had happened. it was a horrible car accident early in the winter before you met the avengers. there were several cars and buses involved. not only did you lose your hands that day but your family. tony was also in this accident, his car had actually collided with yours, though his vehicle wasn't the one that caused your injuries. he had rushed to help you and immediately took on a parental role when he observed the condition of everyone else in the car. you were bruised and bloody with several fractured bones, but mainly, every bone in both your hands were shattered beyond repair. tony took you to his doctors where you all came to the difficult decision that your hands had to go, but tony offered you a solution. to replace the once skin and bones with metal.

pietro listened the entire time letting you go on and on to which you apologized for being boring. 'no dragă' he would whisper and you continued on with his thumb running over your knuckles. the gesture comforted you but the voice in the back of your head nagged that it was out of pity.

the months began to fly past faster than you could imagine. you and pietro were inseparable. anytime the members walked past the two of you they'd fake gag or pretend to cry. once wanda had muttered under her breath how she never thought pietro would actually date someone. you would only get shy over it and pietro found it amusing and would pinch at your cheeks. it was only when the two of you officially started dating when pietro would notice the different type of silence you'd fall into.

he would sometimes catch you sitting on the edge of your bed staring at your hands the features on your face contorted with disgust.

"what is the matter?" he questioned.

"oh nothing," you sighed with a fake smile, placing your hands beside you.

or the times pietro noticed the way you hesitated before touching him.

"am i that scary dragă?" pietro joked with a sickly smile.

your features would soften and the lines between your brows disappeared, "the most terrifying," you winked.

or the times pietro saw the way you gazed at other people's hands when they came into contact with pietro.

"doesn't his hair look good like this?" wanda asked you as she finished braiding her brother's hair. the two of them looking at you in the mirror.

you didn't respond right away. you were too distracted watching the way her fingers weaved their way through his silver hair and grazed his scalp while pulling hair into its pattern. with the most pitiful smile, you responded.

"amazing."

pietro knew that eventually, you would confide in him over the way you viewed your hands. he didn't want to overstep, that wasn't the relationship the two of you had. the late nights pietro spent shaking under the blankets from nightmares, you never asked him. you held him close to you and hummed a small tune to calm him down and you did that every night without fail. one day over breakfast he finally confided in you over the terrors that haunted his dreams.

what pietro didn't expect was that today on your second anniversary was the day you would finally scream your frustrations out. the two of you weren't doing anything special and nor did you want to. all the avengers insisted you at least leave home and do something for a little while. that's why you found yourselves lazily walking around a park, hand-in-hand, arms swinging and shoulders bumping. the sound of laughter echoed through the park and you swore the leaves shook. you were happy, beyond happy. pietro and you were madly in love and there wasn't one thing you could wish for, maybe.

suddenly the wind picked up and the dark clouds rolled above and unleashed raindrops that were nearly the size of baseballs.

"oh my god!" you squealed.

"it is so cold!" pietro laughed loudly.

you were squinting through the pouring rain, your hair and clothes plastered to your skin, pietro was dancing around in a circle with his tongue out in hopes of catching the water. pietro grabbed onto your forearms pulling you into him.

"you look so cute right now," he yelled over the thunderous rain.

"don't be silly! i look like a mess!" you giggled slightly swatting at his chest.

pietro leaned in and kissed you on the cheek. his smile growing wider as if his mouth was a plant and the rain was helping it grow. his fingers brushed the hair out of your face and kissed you once more on the forehead.

"there's so many droplets on your lashes!" you exclaimed. pietro watched your lips pull into a smile. the sun wasn't out but he could've been fooled by the way your eyes shined at him. he watched as you lifted your hand to brush the droplets off, and then suddenly, it all changed.

pietro watched as your smile dropped into parted lips of disgust and shame, your eyebrows pulled together in the middle, and rain was no longer the only thing running down your face. you faltered in your step backward and pietro reached out to steady you but you pulled back further. it was like you were a toy and your batteries had just run out you were so still.

"b-baby what is wrong?" the worried etched onto his face was almost painful.

"i'm jealous," you cried, your bottom lip shaking violently.

pietro shook his head, "my love what is going on? you are worrying me."

you lifted your hands in front of your face, your eyes trailed down every finger and across your palm to the back of your hand. the small metal panels almost mocking you as you could see your eyes reflect back at you. at this moment pietro started to piece together all the instances in the past.

"i can't feel you," you wallowed, "i can't feel your skin, pietro. my hands!" he watched as you stretched your arms out to show him your hands as if he'd never seen them before.

"i'm envious of everything that can feel you! the rain, your clothes, everyone else, but not me, i can't! do you know how badly i want to feel the texture of your hair or the tears you cry or-or the skin on your lips and i can't! i crave the feeling of you and i'll never get to know that. i want to feel the plastic of a pen or grass between my fingers or the calluses of training too hard and i'll never get that again. the phantom pain i have will never be as painful as never being able to hold you with my real hands."

as your cries grew louder the storm cleared up to let you have the stage. you stood in front of pietro as the shell of the person he would see those times you were alone silently observing your hands. even though he wasn't the one yelling, he felt as if his own vocal chords were being shredded, he could feel the chambers in his heart slowly start to shut down one by one, and the burn in his eyes was almost blinding.

he slowly stepped towards you cautious not to make you jerk backwards again. the tears in each of your eyes seemed to sync up and roll down together. pietro gently grabbed your hand, grateful that you let him, and held it to his cheek.

"this, my love, this is me. this is the me that only you will know and no one else. it is not the same as everyone else but different much like us," he said gently, his other hand gesturing between your bodies, "if i could do anything in the world, no matter the cost, to help with your hands i would and i am so sorry i cannot," pietro was now holding your face in his hands.

"but i want you to know i love you for everything that you are and i always will. no matter what the future has in store for us, in my heart, you will always be first. and- and i know there are other reasons why you dislike your hands but i never want to be the reason that you dislike something about yourself. maybe i can talk to mr. stark, yeah?" he pondered nodding his head rapidly, "maybe we can figure something out and give your hands an upgrade. maybe he knows someone?"

you sniffled, looking lovingly at pietro who was trying to think of any possibility even though you both had discussed in the past that there was nothing that could be done for your hands. that day tony saved you was the best opportunity you could get to help your hands and nothing in the world could beat it.

"i love you so much pietro, you are everything i could ask for in a boyfriend and more," you spoke, resting your face further into his hands.

pietro ran his hands across your shoulders and down your arms to hold onto your wrists. he brought your hand up to his face and placed a delicate kiss to your fingertips until all ten were loved. pietro pulled you into a hug, one palm resting flat against your spine and the other holding the back of your head. you leaned into his chest and let your ear listen to the thump of his heart. the two of you stood there motionless. minutes passed by and neither of you dared to move. to an unobservant eye, you two could've passed as a statue. two lovers forever memorialized in the dusk of the sky, the rain puddles collecting at your feet, and a love story forever admired over.

[steddieas-shegoes]

It’s not that Steve didn’t want a tattoo.

He’d wanted one for years. Just something to piss off his parents the way they pissed him off constantly.

Asking when he’d find a girlfriend (he wouldn’t, he’s gay), when he’d find a better job (he liked his job as a guidance counselor), when he’d move out of the tiny apartment he shared with that girl who couldn’t give them grandchildren (Robin gagged at the mere thought of any of that).

But Robin promised she’d go with him when he made this appointment a month ago and she’d just cancelled at the last minute. Something about a work emergency.

She didn’t have a work emergency. She worked at a Starbucks.

He knew what she was doing. It’s what she always did.

“I just wanna get you out of your shell! People should see the Steve that I see!”

Robin did get a different version of Steve, one that didn’t feel like he had to hide his surprisingly bubbly personality. His students got a calm, kind counselor. But everyone else?

They’d be lucky to get a smile during a conversation.

He wasn’t, like, an asshole.

He just had asshole tendencies.

Robin called him her Oscar The Grouch.

He allowed it because deep down, he knew it was true.

And now he was even MORE grumpy because he had to get this tattoo alone. In a place he’d almost certainly be the outcast in his glasses and business casual attire. With people judging him for not already having tattoos and piercings at the age of 27.

Robin owed him.

When he walked into the shop, he was surprised to hear classic rock instead of heavy metal. The front counter was covered in pictures of bands Steve didn’t know, tattoos he would never get, and signs that had enough vulgar words to fill up the swear jar he kept in the apartment for shits and giggles.

Nervous was an understatement.

A head popped around the corner, bright smile lighting up the face of a man who looked like he belonged here.

“Be right there!”

Steve didn’t bother to say anything because as soon as he started to respond, the head was gone.

He frowned, but figured the guy might be with another client and he was pretty sure they had rules about touching things with their gloves on. At least, he hoped they did.

He stared down at the picture on his phone.

It was small, simple. Something he wouldn’t even have to cover up at work.

One of his students drew it for him last year when he’d missed some work because of the flu. He’d only missed two days, but because he so rarely missed, his regulars were pretty worried about him.

His regulars being three students who sat with him during their lunch period to avoid bullies.

It was a sun, with beautiful yellows and oranges combining into a near perfect circle, small lines randomly jutting out and fading into nothing.

It was beautiful art.

And he was getting it permanently etched onto his body.

He loved his students, what could he say?

The head popped back around the corner, interrupting his thoughts again.

“Sorry for the wait. I had a customer on the phone. How can I help ya?”

“Steve Harrington. Here for a 6:00 appointment?”

The guy beamed at him, nodding along.

“Perfect! You said you already knew what you wanted?”

Steve held up his phone to show this still nameless guy the picture.

“You want the colors like that?”

“If you can.”

“If I can, he says! Of course I can! This is really nice. Did you make this?”

Steve snorted, but he wasn’t that amused. This guy was like a ball of energy and Steve was already exhausted.

“No. One of my students did.”

“Oh, are you a teacher?”

“Guidance counselor.”

“That’s cool! So you, like, make sure the youths of today are on the right path? Keep them interested in the right things?”

Steve blinked at this man.

“I guess, yeah. So can we uh, get started…”

“Oh shit! I always forget to introduce myself to the newbies. Eddie.” He held out his hand towards Steve to shake. Steve stared down at it for a moment, knowing his face was doing that judgy thing Robin always warned him about, but not being able to stop it. “Not a handshake guy?”

Steve cleared his throat, finally reaching his hand up to shake Eddie’s.

The rings on Eddie’s fingers were cold against his own, his grip was strong but not the type of string that made Steve uncomfortable.

Eddie was smiling at him. He never stopped smiling, this guy.

It was kind of…cute. Steve would never admit it to anyone, but the way Eddie just seemed genuinely happy was really doing it for him.

That was annoying.

When he finally remember to let go, Eddie was already turning around to grab a piece of paper from the shelf behind him.

“I’m just gonna have you send that to this email,” he pointed to the contact info on the piece of paper he’d grabbed. “And I’ll get it printed on transfer paper so we can get started.”

Steve nodded and sent the picture as requested.

He ignored the shaking of his hands. It wasn’t a big deal. It’s just a tattoo. Most adults have them. Robin had four. Eddie here seemed to have hundreds.

Eddie must have noticed his visible anxiety. He felt Eddie’s hand on his arm, squeezing gently.

“First tattoo?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Nah. I’ve just done a lot of first tattoos.” Eddie pulled up the picture on his own phone while he spoke. “I promise it’ll be easier than you’re thinking.”

“I’m not worried about the pain.”

Eddie glanced up at him quickly, then back down at the phone in his hand.

“It’s just permanent, ya know?”

Eddie let out a laugh and held up both of his arms, fully covered in tattoos.

“I know. That’s what’s great. Nothing in life is permanent, but these are. Even when you’re long gone, these will still be on your body.”

Steve hadn’t thought about it like that.

Permanence was something he’d always struggled with. It’s why he was so standoffish according to the two therapists he’d tried talking to. His parents had never given him an idea of what someone staying around was like, his friendships all ended when he realized he wanted to be a better person than they were capable of being, and his only serious relationship ended when he was ready for marriage and she wasn’t.

He’d been through a lot of personal growth since then, most of it thanks to Robin and some experiences at the gay clubs she took him to, and now he felt better about who he was.

He just didn’t think anyone or anything would stick around.

Robin was proving she might, but only time would tell. Plenty of time for Steve to fuck it up.

“You can still back out, man. I won’t charge you the cancellation fee or anything.”

Oh, how nice. Eddie thought he was a wimp and wasn’t even gonna follow his own policy to let him back out.

That’s shameful. He was ashamed.

“Not backing out.”

He folded his arms in front of his chest, trying to tone down the glare he could feel on his own face.

Eddie threw his hands up as he waited for the printer to finish.

“Alright. Just letting you have an out.”

Eddie looked over the few copies he’d printed, all slightly different sizes, and then lined them up on the counter facing Steve.

“What size were you thinking? Where’s this going?”

Steve pointed to the middle one, barely an inch wide.

“I was thinking my wrist?”

Eddie smiled at him.

“Sounds good, sunshine.”

Oh. That was not good.

That little thing his stomach just did?

Nope. Not good at all.

Eddie walked around the counter and gestured for Steve to follow him around the corner.

Steve found himself in awe of the room he was walking into.

He’d never seen such variety in anything. Some of it resembled the front counter, but there was also a Bob Marley poster, a rainbow flag, a whole wall of funny bumper stickers, and graffiti along the ceiling.

It was certainly a lot for the eyes to take in.

Steve kind of loved it.

He even let out a smile.

He quickly hid it away again when he heard Eddie hit his hand against the chair.

“Got it all clean already for ya. Just take a seat and get comfy.” Eddie reached over grab some gloves from a shelf before he sat in front of Steve. “Gonna put this on you first. Make sure the placement is good. Then I’ll shave that area and get all my stuff ready to go. The tattoo itself probably won’t take more than an hour, and most of that will be shading these beautiful colors. Need anything before we get started? Water? Bathroom? Snack?”

Steve’s head was spinning.

Eddie’s energy was relentless, and he had a smile on his face the entire time.

Steve couldn’t help smiling back at him.

“I’m good. Thanks.”

Eddie nodded and started humming along to the song playing over the speakers.

He went through everything quickly, but still took his time explaining everything. Steve was kind of grateful he didn’t have to sit in silence; His brain wasn’t his friend when there was silence.

“Alright, sunshine. If you’re good, I’m good.”

Steve felt his face heat up, blush spreading from his cheeks to his neck.

“I’m good.”

And then he started.

It was sharp, the needles carving ink into his skin causing a new sensation up his entire arm. But it was also…good?

He’d expected it to be painful, maybe even go numb. He hadn’t expected the pain to feel like this.

He lost focus. Everything felt distant and blurry, but in a sleepy way, not in a pass out way. Steve felt himself smiling slightly, but didn’t have the energy to stop it.

He was watching Eddie work, but wasn’t really seeing anything beyond the way his fingers splayed his skin tight and the tattoo gun left ink behind.

His eyes closed at some point, but he wasn’t asleep, the faint buzz of the tattoo gun keeping him present enough to stay awake.

“Hey, sunshine. Doing alright?”

“Hm?”

He tried to focus in on Eddie’s face. Eddie was very close. He was holding his wrist.

Steve was still here.

“Need a break?”

“No. I’m good.”

Eddie chuckled. “I’d say so.”

He continued, and Steve let his mind wander again. It was nice to drift. He’d never felt this relaxed before, not even during the massage Robin got him for his birthday last year.

“Alright, sunshine. You’re done.”

Steve looked down at the tattoo now covering his wrist.

It was beautiful, even better than the picture.

He started to cry.

If he wasn’t so far gone, he’d probably be embarrassed or angry about it, but surely other people had cried after a tattoo before. Maybe Eddie would just ignore it.

“Oh, sweetheart. Do you not like it?”

“No. I love it.” Steve took a shaky breath, then another. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

Eddie was rubbing his back and smiling sadly down at him.

“I’m glad you love it. I just have to wrap it up and go over some care instructions, okay?”

“Okay.”

Steve was never this vulnerable, not even with Robin. He was pretty sure she’d only actually seen him cry once when a student moved away.

His whole thing was that he didn’t show emotions. His job required it to an extent, though he was always caring to his students, giving them smiles when they came in to make them feel welcome.

But here he was smiling and crying to a stranger over a tattoo.

“Sunshine?”

“Yeah?”

“Got you some water. I need you to look at me while I go over the instructions okay?”

“Okay.”

He felt himself coming back down to earth as he looked at Eddie, a soft smile making Steve focus in on his mouth.

“That’s good. Keep this wrapped for four hours at least and longer if you’ll be outside. When you take it off, make sure you wash it with antibacterial soap gently and then use moisturizing lotion, unscented is best. If you need some, I can give you some. Make sure to keep it moisturized over the next week. It’ll peel a little, that’s normal, but if you see anything that’s a lot of color falling out or something, come see me and I can fix it. No long exposure to direct sunlight for at least 4 weeks, and use sunscreen on it if you think you will be.” He took a breath and smirked. “Got it?”

“Um.”

He handed over a paper with a laugh.

“It’s all right here. I just needed you to come back down from space. Drink your water and relax for a minute. I’ll go get the card reader.”

Steve did as he was told, enjoying the way the ice cold water helped him focus back in on his surroundings.

With the focus came the grumpiness. He was crashing from his adrenaline high, and his first instinct was to pout.

He didn’t think he was visibly doing so until he heard Eddie snort from a few feet away.

“Welcome back. Sorry to burst your bubble. If I didn’t have another client in 20 minutes, I’d probably have let you stay there for a bit. Seems like you needed it.”

“I. What do you mean? I was just zoned out.”

Eddie froze where he was typing something into his phone.

“Have you never…? Oh. Jesus Christ. Okay. Well. I don’t.” He looked genuinely concerned about what to do. “Okay. I don’t feel comfortable letting you be alone yet. Do you have someone you live with or who can hang out for a bit?”

“My roommate had a work emergency or she’d be here.”

Steve’s arms were crossed again, but the pull of the wrap around his wrist reminded him of the dull ache he was still experiencing. It made him shiver, but he couldn’t explain why.

“Okay. Can you stick around for a bit? I’ve got an office with a couch in the back.”

“Are you gonna tell me why?”

“Ever heard of sub space?”

“Like…the kinky thing?”

Eddie facepalmed.

“Yeah. Like the kinky thing.”

“I mean, I’ve heard of it. Why?”

“You just spent the last hour in it.”

Steve was usually pretty good at keeping a pretty stoic face, but his jaw dropped.

“No I didn’t.”

“Sunshine, you were gone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone that deep from a tattoo before.”

“If this is just a way to get me alone in your office or something…”

“Steve. I know you don’t know me, but I would never do that. If I wanted to get you alone, I’d just ask you.”

“I’m sure I’d say no.”

“Exactly. So you’ll stay so I can keep an eye on you?”

Steve shrugged. He didn’t have anything else to do and Robin wouldn’t be home for hours.

“I guess.”

Eddie’s eyes were practically glittering.

“Good. Go lay down, sunshine. I’ll bring you more water in a minute.”

So despite Steve having no idea what just happened, and barely any idea who Eddie even was beyond a talented tattoo artist, he made his way to the office and curled up on the couch.

Pout firmly in place because he was still Steve, after all.

Chapter 2 /  Chapter 3

[godesssiri]

10 Thrifting Tips – Part ? I lost count just check my thrifting tag

1) Make friends with the staff. If you go into a particular thrift store frequently it’s well worth it to get friendly with the staff. Ask them about their day, chat with them about what you’re buying, infodump if you’ve found something exciting and unusual. When the staff get to know you and know what you buy they’ll start pointing out things in the store that have come in since the last time you were there, that fit your interests. They may even start putting things aside for you. Recently I walked into my favorite thrift store and had 2 separate staff members say ‘Oh I’ve got something for you’. Plus having the staff greet you by name and having little inside jokes with them just makes the whole experience more fun.

2) Brita jugs turn up at the thrift store frequently. If tap water in your area is safe but has A Taste, keep an eye out at the thrift store.

3) Coffee making equipment. Capsule coffee makers, the wire racks that hold the capsules, French presses, these all get donated frequently. The occasional espresso machine comes in – and goes out very quickly. Now and then you’ll find pour-over coffee equipment. If you like your bean juice you can get the equipment you need to make fancy bean juice at the thrift store.

4) Handmade pottery mugs. Story time: About 6 or 7 years ago I went into a thrift store and someone had obviously just cleaned out their mug cupboard and donated a pile of handmade pottery. I bought 4 because I thought they were cool, very tactile, nice to hold. This AWOKE something in me. Humans have used handmade pottery for thousands of years and there’s something about holding a handmade mug that sparks a genetic memory of warmth and comfort. Pottery also has much better thermal properties than mass produced ceramic, hot stays hot longer and vice versa with cold. Build up a little collection of handmade pottery mugs from the thrift store, each one has its own personality and it brings joy using them.

5) In the same vein: teaspoons. Build up a collection of fun teaspoons and take joy from using different ones depending on your mood. I have one with an owl on the end and another with a rose, a brass one with a wiggly handle in the shape of a snake, one that has the branding of an airline that now only uses wooden stirrers - probably because people kept pocketing the stainless-steel teaspoons (I always wanted to steal one as a child but never had the nerve). Whenever I need a teaspoon it’s always a little endorphin boost to open the drawer and select the perfect one for today.

6) If you need something to do a specific job, be patient, you will find the perfect thing eventually. I switched to solid shampoo and my old soap dish wasn’t big enough to hold my shampoo bar and my regular soap, so I waited and watched and found the perfect little glass tray that was exactly the right size and fits perfectly on the shelf in my shower. I could have bought a brand new made-for-that-purpose multi soap holder, but it wouldn’t have been as cool looking and when I’m done with it, it wouldn’t necessarily get another life.

7) Gift supplies. Thrift stores often have a selection of unused gift wrap, bags, bows, cards. It’s worth it to sift through what they’ve got and buy any you think you might use – even if you don’t have an immediate use for it. That stuff can get expensive so if you can create a small stash then, when you need it, you won’t have to shell out $$.

8) Look for things that can be made over – or thrift flipped as the DIY content creators like to say. There’s so much satisfaction from looking at something that was plain ugly when you bought it and you’ve turned it into something pretty. It doesn’t need to be a major transformation that requires 5 different power-tools and 100 bucks worth of supplies. It can be as simple as a lick of paint, but every time you look at you will feel good about it.

9) Sometimes it’s worth buying something that’s just really cool and figuring out a use for it later. I bought the coolest little silver plated mustard pot; it has 3 legs and at the top of each leg is a lion head. Do I eat mustard much? No. Did I know what the heck I would use it for? No. I get bad indigestion and keep antacids on hand, I hate how once you tear open the roll, they tend to spill everywhere so I like to put them in something. Guess what holds exactly one roll of antacids? If something is just freaking awesome but you don’t know what you’d use it for, you will find a use (and it will be so much cooler than anything else you might have bought for that purpose).

10) Use the fancy stuff. Don’t ever look at something in a thrift store and think: that’s too fancy, I’ll never use it. If it’s not bought and used it ends up in landfill. Save it from the landfill and use it. Today I bought the most OTT fancy silver pepper shaker to sit next to my stove and hold ground pepper for cooking with, one of my housemates never puts the damn pepper back in the cupboard when he’s finished with it, so now we have this ostentatious silver shaker next to the stove top. One of my dogs can be relied upon to get half of his food on the floor before he hoovers it up, I could have got a plastic mat to feed him on but I had a spare thrifted marble cutting/serving board (I have a problem, I own 3, I have so much trouble resisting them), and another plus - he can’t destroy it like he would a plastic mat. I keep my toothbrush in a crystal bud vase. I decant my micellar water into a bottle shaped like a seahorse. I eat off pretty vintage pink glass plates. Using the fancy stuff from thrift stores both helps you romanticize your own life and it gives these items another life. Do be sensible though, some items made before the early 1970s including glassware and dinnerware contain lead in the decoration so do your due diligence and be safe.

[mikachacha]

𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚕 (𝙱𝚊𝚍𝚊 𝙻𝚎𝚎 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛) 𝙿𝚝. 5

Synopsis: You finally left Bada for good but you're struggling to get back on your feet.

Warnings: mentions of depression, angst, bullying, cursing

(A/N: y'all this has been such an emotional journey for all of us and i really thank you guys for the support you've given 🫶🫶)

| Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 |

Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁

You arrived in the states and it felt like you were nothing but a shell of the person you used to be. You talked to your family and they were amazing support system for you. You were slowly trying to heal but there were times that felt like time stood still and you're paralyzed in the moment of grief and sorrow from what Bada put you through for months. You'd often find yourself crying yourself to sleep, questioning why that happened to you and what went wrong that made your relationship turn like that. You always blamed yourself for everything went wrong until your family intervened and told you to get into therapy.

You were reluctant at first but it turned out it was everything you needed. All you ever wanted and all you ever needed was for someone to listen to you, for someone to tell you that your feelings are valid and important. It felt like you were slowly coming back to life after months. You slowly bounced back, started going out, made friends and even went on a few dates but nothing way too serious as you're making sure you're emotionally available for this next person you'll love. You didn't want the next person to feel like you're still being held back by your past and that you're only using them to move on. You don't want them to go through the same pain as you have gone through.

Bada on the other hand has drowned herself with work as she didn't want to remember you and all the things she did to you. She regretted everything, the guilt is eating her alive. All you did was love her, all you did was care for her but she played with you, she took advantage of your kindness, your love, your vulnerability. She took you for granted and she knows she won't ever have you back considering all the things that happened between you and her but she's still hoping, wishing and praying that she sees you one more time and tell you how sorry she is for doing everything she did.

She was linked to different people, some celebrities and some were not but she didn't date anyone after you. She didn't trust herself to get into another relationship. She's scared of doing the same thing she did to you. She heard from your friends and family that you're going through therapy and it took you a year to be remotely okay. When Bada heard, she broke down in the studio. She was crying from guilt and self loathing. She hated herself, still hates herself for doing those to you. Oh how she wishes she can turn back time and make things right but she knows she can't. She can only hope and pray that you'll be okay, and that maybe someday she'll be able to speak to you and ask for forgiveness.

Three years has passed and you were back in Korea but this time for a job. You were hired as a translator for Jam Republic, an international group who's been invited to participate in the second season of Street Woman Fighter 2. Your family were a bit hesitant to let you go back considering what happened three years ago but you told them that you'll be okay. You have forgiven Bada and have forgiven yourself as it was something that happened and you had no control over it. You wanted to move forward in your life though there's still an ache in your heart whenever your thoughts drift to Bada. If only things didn't go that way, if only things didn't go bad between you, you would've been celebrating three years together, maybe got married along the way like how you planned it together before.

"Be safe there, alright? Talk to us if you need anything.." your mom says as they sent you off to the airport. You hugged your parents tight and nodded your head. You grabbed your bags before getting in the cab that will take you to the airport. You're hoping that with your return, Korea gives you better memories than the memories you had three years prior.

You met with the girls and they were amazing. It felt like you just gained yourself sisters. Ling and Kirsten were the motherly type, Latrice is the fun middle child while Emma and Audrey are sweet yet chaotic youngsters. You're having fun with your work, everyone's great and everything's going well. You were running around, doing errands the studio as the filming for Street Woman Fighter is starting. You were way too busy that you accidentally bumped someone, your papers falling to the ground. You rushed to pick it up and the person did the same. Only when you saw the tattoo on their arm made your chest ache and for your heart to race like you were running a hundred miles per second. You wanted to speak but it felt like that there's a lump in your throat that's preventing you. You thought you were finally okay after years of therapy but all the emotions came rushing back, hitting you like a tidal wave when you realized who the person is that's helping you pick up papers. It was Bada.

———;

@lil-elliesgf @efyyylee @hwm1hyun @mikaleialt @bunnywonyo @badaswifey @mrs-grim-reaper @b1ackbunny @wifey-badalee

[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

From everything, to nothing and back again (Sofia Huerta x Reader)

Based on this request. I hope you enjoy and it's what you were looking for!

So I know I said writing has taken a back burner, but I decided to ignore my essay to finish a request instead. This is not edited at all. Thanks for reading!

Warnings: Slight mention of forced kissed

Words: 1.5k

Sofia and I had known each other since we were kids, we grew up together, we did everything together. Everyone would tell you that we were inseparable, that you would hardly ever see one of us without the other. Throughout the years, it never really changed, even when one of us got into a relationship we were still inseparable. That was until everything changed. We went from inseparable to nothing over night. 

For a few days, I didn't understand what had happened, I didn't know why she was suddenly ignoring me. Even when I begged her to just talk to me, to tell me what happened, she would walk away every time and when I went to message her I realised I was blocked on everything. What happened didn't hit me until I was lying in bed late one night, some of the memories from the party came flooding back.

I didn't remember all of it, just bits and pieces. We were drunk, very drunk actually, me so more than Sofia. I don't remember where she had gone, but I was alone with her girlfriend. The next thing I remembered was being pushed against the wall with her lips against mine as I tried to push her away. I didn't have the chance or ability to stop her before it happened. Because I was so drunk, it had taken quite a bit to build the strength to push her away. The last thing I saw when I was finally able to push her away, was Sofia walking away with tears in her eyes as her girlfriend whispered something about Sofia finally getting rid of me. I mean I guess it worked, but it also backfired because they had broken up anyway.

It hurt that after years of us being friends, Sofia would think I would do something like that to her. That she would think I would ever betray her trust or ruin our friendship for a girl. Sofia meant more to me than anyone else. Also, I was completely in love with Sofia, not that she knew that. 

That was almost 6 months ago now, we hadn't spoken since that night unless we were on the field. I was still hurt that she thought I would ever do that to her, I still missed her like crazy. We would probably never be friends again, but I was tired of the rift between us. I was tired of walking on egg shells around her, of feeling like I couldn't be anywhere near her and always cancelling on the team if she was invited. I didn't know how to change it though, not after this long. 

Of course it got worse when we were roomed together one camp. Snarky and just plain rude comments started, mostly from Sofia while I tried my best to ignore it. She never used anything I had told her against me or really made any personal attacks though which gave me a bit of hope that maybe she didn't hate me as much as she portrayed. Ignoring it worked for a few days until I just snapped. 

"We have known each for 16 fucking years Sofia. How could you think I would ever do anything like that to you or anyone? I thought you knew me better than that, I thought you knew who I was inside and out, but obviously you don't."

"I saw you! I saw you kissing her! You can't deny what I saw."

"No, what you saw was her taking advantage of my drunken state and forcing that kiss on me when I wasn't able to easily push her off. She knew I was to drunk to stop her, she planned it so you would see it Sofia, so you would finally get rid of me. The last thing I ever wanted to do was kiss her. If anything I wanted to kiss you, I've always wanted to kiss you and only you. But obviously you just think the worst of me. Maybe our entire friendship was worthless after all."

Sofia opened her mouth to say something, but I was already walking out of the room. I couldn't be around her anymore without completely snapping. I also just pretty much confessed my feelings to her which was never meant to happen. I found myself on the roof, leaning against the edge as I looked out over the city. It was my safe space, the spot where I had been countless times to clear my head. I don't know how long I had been there when the door slammed shut behind me. I spun around to find Sofia standing there.

"Shit sorry, that was unintentional."

"How did you find me?"

Sofia shrugged, moving slightly closer, but keeping her distance from me and the edge. I knew heights made her nervous, "You seem to gravitate to high places when somethings wrong, you always have much to my distaste."

I watched her for a second, trying to figure out what she wanted or what she was thinking. Was she here so we could yell at each other some more or to actually talk? I couldn't figure it out so I sighed, "What do you want Sofia?"

"You never told me any of that."

"You never gave me the chance. You completely cut me out Sofia," I was pretty much yelling at that point, all the pent up emotions coming out. "You were my bestfriend and you just cut me out. After all the years we had known each other, you just dropped me like it was the easiest thing in the world. You didn't care, you didn't care what happened, you just saw what you wanted to see."

"You're right, I was drunk and saw you two kissing and just thought the worst. That was the last thing I wanted to see though and not even because it was my girlfriend you were kissing, but because you were kissing someone in general. You're wrong about it being easy Y/n. It has been the worst 6 months of my life without you, I miss you like crazy, I still want to run to you with everything. I'm sorry I cut you out, I was hurt and needed space, then you just stopped trying and ignored me back. I thought maybe you were done with me too."

Sofia was starting to look pretty uncomfortable. It was likely a combination of the heights and the conversation. I moved away from the edge, sitting down against the wall, Sofia sat down next to me, leaving a bit of space. Once we were both settled, I spoke up again, "I was hurt that you were ignoring me, that it seemed so easy for you to just stop talking to me. I didn't even remember what happened at first, it just seemed like you didn't want to be friends with me anymore. Then I remembered and the fact you thought I could do that to you just added to the hurt. I guess I just figured what was the point in trying if you so clearly wanted nothing to do with me?"

"I'm sorry Y/n, I'm sorry for everything I've done and said. Deep down I knew you would never do anything like that, well not even deep down. I know you would never do that to me or anyone, but seeing you kiss someone even if it was my girlfriend made me feel something I can't fully describe, whether it was jealousy or anger or sadness or all of them, I don't know. I was in a relationship, but I was feeling this way about you, my bestfriend. It's not necessarily new, but I think that was the first time I had actually seen you kissing someone. All the feelings I have for you just hit me at once, it was overwhelming to say the least. It's not an excuse for how I acted, but I think it definitely contributed to it. I'm sorry, is there anyway you could forgive me? Anyway that we could go back to how we were?"

Before I could fully realise what was happening, my hand was buried in her hair, lips connecting with hers roughly. Sofia cupped my cheek softly, slowing down the kiss so our lips were moving in sync, soft and slow. The kiss was filled with love, want, and all the emotions that had built up over the last 6 months. There was no awkwardness, no hesitation. It felt right, it was everything I had wanted and more. I pulled away slowly, forehead resting against hers. "I don't want to go back to how we were. I've been in love with you for years and I'm really hoping I interpreted what you were saying correctly otherwise this is awkward."

"You did Y/n/n. Maybe I didn't know it all along, but I'm in love with you, I want you."

"I want you too Sof, but I need us to take this slow. I'm still dealing with the last 6 months and I don't want to rush into things. Maybe we could start with dates and see if we work together in the romantic way."

Sofia kissed my forehead softly, "We can go at whatever speed you need Y/n/n. You lead, I follow."

[oliviarusso2]

For my project this week, I thought it would be fun to make a girl that would typically live in the city. As the girls aesthetic is bold reds and blacks the background I choose is the complete opposite. It is colorful and full of life just like how a bustling city filled with opportunity is in real life.

Attendance:

1. Beret: the beret hat originates from the Basque region, which spans the French and Spanish border. Traditionally, the Basque berets were made from wool that would felt when exposed to rain, creating a snug cap. Felted wool is very practice due to its warmth and water resistance. https://pieceworkmagazine.com/history-of-the-beret/#:~:text=The%20beret%2Dstyle%20hat%20has,warm%20but%20also%20water%20resistant

2. Kiwi: I learned that the kiwi fruit originated in Yangtze Valley in central China. Historically, they were valued for their nutritional and medicinal properties and remain a local delicacy.

3. Pear: in the article I read I found this specifically to be interesting. In the Odyssey, the Greek poet praises pears as a gift from the gods. In Roman mythology, Pomona, the goddess of fruit, held a revered place in the pantheon, and Roman farmers recorded advanced techniques for pear cultivating and grafting.

4. Red lipstick: over 5,000 years ago in Mesopotamia, red lipsticks were made from crushed gemstones. Later, ingredients like red algae and fish scales were used. The first molded lipsticks, similar to today’s were invented by Abu Al-Qasim Al-Zahrawi during the Islamic Golden Age.

5. Shopping bags: in 1871, Margaret E. Knight invented a machine for flats bottomed paper bags, improving capacity. In 1883, Charles Stilwell’s machine added pleated sides for easier folding and storage.

6. Perfume: perfumes date back thousands of years, used in ancient Egypt, Rome, Mesopotamia, and Persia for hygiene, ceremonies, and as symbols nobility.

7. Starbucks: Starbucks began in 1971 in Seattle’s Pike Place Market offering roasted coffees and teas. The shop quickly became a global sensation.

8. Bag charms: I learned that in the Neolithic Era leather bracelets were decorated with bone, shell, wood, and other materials as early forms of personal style. In ancient Egypt, these charms evolved into symbols of protection and good luck. Today they are still used to show off personal style.

[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

From the Ashes Pt. 29

Pairing(s): Pairing(s): Rhaegar Targaryen x Lannister!Reader, one-sided!Jaime Lannister x Lannister!Reader, Jaime Lannister x Cersei Lannister

Warnings: slow burn fic, changing povs, Tywin/Cersei POV

Words: 3065

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 3.5  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 8  Part 9  Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 30 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Part 41 Part 42

Book Two of Dārilaros hen ōrbar se perzys (Heir of Ash and Fire)

Out in the training yard an eight year-old Aerys Targaryen and a ten year-old Tywin Lannister commence their swinging of swords. Tywin went easy on the young prince as he was also trying to display form to an even younger six year-old Steffon Baratheon, Prince Aerys’ cousin. The little page watched entranced and listened to every word that Tywin told him. Admiration kept his attention pierced on the older boy. Even though Tywin was King Aegon’s page, the king allowed him to play with them. It felt good to still be able to feel like a child. Tywin had always been a serious one and only got out of his shell when he was with Aerys and Steffon. He hadn’t seen his own brothers in quite some time so he unconsciously adopted the two.

Steffon claps, thick black hair that had the tendency to get leaves stuck in it. “I want to try!”

Aerys chuckled as if he knew all there was to the world. “You are too young. Perhaps in another year or so.”

“Watching is good enough for you right now. Watch and learn.” agreed Tywin, going to ruffle his prince’s silver-blonde hair.

Violet eyes glanced up at him. Once upon a time, Tywin would have fought for him; maybe would have even died for him. Once upon a time, Aerys had even been Tywin’s brother in arms.

Now he hardly recognized the man that people call the Mad King. He was a complete stranger now who had cut off all ties to those that had once loved him dearly before the Targaryen madness ate away at his brain. The gods always flipped a coin when a Targaryen was born; unfortunately for Aerys, it landed on the wrong side. Tywin could still remember a time when Aerys had been normal and even slightly charming. That was the prince he had grown up with. Hot-tempered, he had always been, but back in those days Aerys had been the most generous person Tywin had known. A tragedy really how things ended up. Now Tywin hated to recall those happy memories of Aerys dancing during events with a carefree grin. If he allowed such a thought to continue to plague him, he would grow morose. The lord of Casterly Rock couldn’t afford such emotions. There were more important things to take care of then remembering times long ago.

Since the disappearance of Tyrion though, young Aerys’ laughter was starting to come back to him. Tyrion had had no friends close like Aerys and Steffan had been to him. The boy had no chance. When he was first told that Tyrion was missing, part of Tywin thought it a blessing. Tywin dreaded looking upon his deformed son’s face. Such a face didn’t deserve the name of Lannister, yet Joanna had given birth to him. He was a part of her as much as the Western Warden hated to admit it. It was like Joanna was still alive in some way, reminding Tywin to be kind to Tyrion. That’s what she would have wanted. His darling Joanna. The children that had destroyed her health so much were the ones he knew she loved the most. If she had lived. . . Most certainly Joanna would have adored Tyrion. That was how beautiful her heart was. She would have been so proud how smart he was and how eloquent his speech pattern as he already talked like a little lord. A little lord that he would never truly be.

Drifting thoughts lead him to Jaime.

Jaime.

That boy always did whatever he pleased despite his father’s wishes. Where had Jaime gone? A small part of Tywin had hoped that perhaps the Kingsguard would straighten his son out, make him develop some morals to live by. It had only made Jaime more cocky than he had already been.

Now he was left with only. . .

“My lord.”

The steward held out a rolled up piece of parchment. “A raven from the Red Keep has delivered this message. . .” There was uncertainty in the quiver of his voice. What insults were written inside?

Tywin unfurled the parchment with his fingers and reads. The steward waited for further instruction from his lord. Poor boy jumped when Tywin, the normally stoic lord with a cold demeanor, made the closest sound to a laugh that he had ever heard him make. Rumor was that only the late Lady Joanna was able to genuinely make her husband laugh. And that had been but three times in public.

He covers it easily with his hand. Pale green eyes flick to the young boy who had been patiently waiting. “Tell my brother that I request his presence.” Gaze returns to the dried ink. It was Aerys’ own handwriting, although a bit illegible. The lines and curves of his words were shaky from the king’s hand tremors that he now suffered from. How dare Aerys’ have the audacity to demand of Tywin help in defeating his own son. After all the king had done to him, now he demanded his former Hand send an army to protect King’s Landing. At least the last missive that he had received from the capital had been more of a request. Tywin knew though that his army would not really be protecting King’s Landing, but King Aerys. The king must now have realized that he was not as indestructible as he had previously thought. Rhaegar had defeated the troop the king had sent after setting wildfire loose near Tumbleton and the Blackwater Rush river. It had stalled Rhaegar for months. Even worse was the news of the former Lord of Winterfell and his son. Brandon and Rickard Stark had been burned alive. Maybe the news of the northern troops retreating back to their lands had made Aerys cocky enough to try and eliminate Rhaegar then and there. He forgot the raw power of Robert Baratheon of Storm’s End and the wild fighting skills of the Dornish. Onlookers of the battle said it was finished within three hours.

And now King Aerys’ was tipping over the edge, spiraling quickly down to his own demise. Soon he would hit the ground with a splat. He could sense even now those that had once swore fealty to him were moving to Rhaegar's side. After the stunt with wildfire, even those who benefitted from his reign were now drawing back. Not helping matters, since the land near King's Landing was scorched and untraveable, no goods could be transferred in or out of the capitol. People would soon begin to starve.

He had done much to humiliate and insult Tywin, a man who would have done anything for him when they were kids. Aerys had made a vulgar rumor about taking Joanna’s virginity before Tywin. Accepted Jaime into the King’s Guard, forbidding him from marriage and from becoming the next Lord of Casterly Rock. Worst of all, Aerys had orchestrated the marriage between Rhaegar and (y/n).

That had been the end of everything. The death of any kind of attachment that Tywin may have had left for Aerys.

“You no longer want her to be a queen? But you have been talking about your dreams of (y/n) becoming a queen when she grew up.” Tywin reminded his wife who had been acting strange for the past few days. Worry made her already pale face ashen. When she looked upon (y/n) who was but four years old, Joanna’s eyes would grow red with tears that wanted freedom.

Tears filled her eyes making her turn away from her husband. She knew how silly it was when she said these things out loud. Joanna didn’t know what else to do but confide in Tywin who was the best confidant she had ever known. Always grounded, Joanna had wanted Tywin to tell her that these were all just silly dreams that meant nothing. They had originally made her feel great joy. Dreaming of her daughter becoming a regal queen. Not the daughter Tywin had expected, but the one that had nearly died at birth. Unlike Cersei’s great beauty, there was nothing extraordinary about (y/n). She was a basic child but she did have the tendency to hide any wounds she may have acquired during play or when she experienced one of her “accidents” which Joanna knew Cersei had to be involved in.“I know. But if she becomes queen. . . oh Tywin. I know all of this sounds strange to you. The dreams I’ve had. . . they can’t just be random.”

Tywin didn’t like entertaining dreams. But he loved Joanna and it ached to see her so scared. “What will happen if she becomes queen?”

Joanna shakes her head. “No, she will. And that will be the beginning of the end for her. . .”

That’s all they had been: silly dreams. (y/n) hadn’t even made it to becoming queen. She was still a princess when she died in the tower fire, but not a queen. Thinking of it put a stone in his chest. At least now mother and daughter were reunited in the afterlife. That gave Tywin a bit of comfort.

A brief knock and his study door opens to reveal his younger brother Kevan. Clean cut with magnificent scarlet clothes, Kevan bows to his brother whom he revered highly.

“You called?”

“Sit and read this.”

Obediently Kevan does so. Thick heavy brows crinkle in the middle as he advances in the letter. The slight trembling of his hand told Tywin that he thought this equally ridiculous. He reads a part out loud:

“Failure to attend to the Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms will result in a siege of your estates and the stripping of your title.”

His face was red with indignation. Kevan looks up at his older brother. “Is this real? He can’t possibly think this would make you take action. . .”

“Threats are all he knows now. He fails to remember that threats such as this don’t work on me.” Tywin smoothly replies but pleased that his brother’s reaction aligned with his.

“What will you do? Has the time come to send our men out to Rhaegar Targaryen?”

Leaning forward on his elbows, Tywin regards his brother. What had he told Cersei?

Caution.

When playing the game, one had to act cautiously. Don’t throw yourself head first into battle.

“Tell our men to be prepared for travel at any moment.” Tywin riffles through his desk drawers before placing a piece of parchment on the surface. His ink pen, he began t0 write in scratchy letters. “And tell Cersei to come to my studies.”

Kevan nods yet hesitates when he was supposed to leave. “Forgive me for speaking out of term, but what about Tyrion?”

“What about Tyrion?”

“He’s still missing. Would you like me to send some men to search the surrounding area of Lannisport? He couldn’t have possibly gotten far and I don’t believe we’ve searched there yet. He could be hiding out in an inn, unbeknownst to anyone. He’s small and cunning. I wouldn’t put it past Tyrion to smooth talk his way in.” Tywin’s younger brother had always had a soft spot for his dwarf nephew.

His hand pauses mid-stroke. There was a slim chance that Tyrion was still alive. It had already been a month since he had escaped Casterly Rock. When his septa had informed Tywin that she could not find the young boy anywhere, Tywin had sent out a customary search party. No one found any sign of the boy having passed through.

As if Joanna’s ghost was looming over him with disapproval in her spectre gaze, Tywin sighed. “If you must.” He knew if Tyrion didn’t want to be found then he wouldn’t. All the misfortunes the young boy had faced did nothing to dull his mind. Tyrion from a very young age proved to be incredibly astute, far more than Jaime had been at the same age. If only things had been different. There was no way that Tywin could allow Tyrion to take his title, no matter how smart the boy was. No one would respect him because of his deformity. He could potentially turn into another soft ruler, much like Tywin’s own father Tytos. And Casterly Rock could not survive another Tytos.

Tywin went back to writing, ears waiting for the closing of his study door.

Cersei’s stomach was twisted with knots. She didn’t like the feeling.

No word from the darkin. Absolutely nothing to show that he had finished the deed. What if what she had seen had been wrong? But how could she deny witnessing herself the tall man blending into the shadows before completely disappearing. He wasn’t a fake, that was certain. Certainly Inniros Orelelion would want to get this task over and done with to receive the other half of his payment. It had been quite some time since the two met, surely a man of his pedigree could easily kill someone like (y/n). Unless Jaime was protecting her, which Cersei had a high suspicion of. Even Jaime was no match for a darkin.

All she could do was pace the courtyard, unable to burn off the uneasy feeling that something wasn’t right. Something had gone wrong if the darkin hadn’t returned. Jaime couldn’t have possibly killed Inniros. Cersei worshipped her brother’s fighting skills. There was no one in the world like Jaime. His sword was an extension of his arm. He was still a regular mortal though.

Then she stopped, another chilling thought: what if Inniros had accidentally killed Jaime?

She gripped at the lacing of her front bodice.

What if in protecting (y/n), that pathetic creature, Jaime had died fighting Inniros?

If Jaime was dead, surely she would have sensed something through their bond as twins.

The thought lingered though and made it difficult to breathe in any fresh air that might soothe her frantic mind.

Her father had requested her presence. She had to compose herself. And compose herself she did. Taking a deep breath despite the constriction she felt inside, she went back inside the castle. The winds from the sea tried to pull her back out, tugging gently on her blond hair as it swept by.

“Sit.” Her father instructed once she stepped in, his head tilted down as he continued to scribble something important she surmised by the furrow of his brow.

Cersei wants to look at the parchment, see what has caused her father such an expression. From her angle she was unable to see anything except Tywin’s speedy hand moving from line to line of his letter. The hair on top of his head was thinning badly opposed to the thick gold sideburns that framed his jaw. His long face held no youth, having been bled of it years ago. Joanna had loved to run her hand along the length of Tywin’s face, brushing her fingertips against his sideburns made him melt against her. What had she seen in this cold and callous man to make her fall in love? True it had been an arranged marriage, but no one could deny that Tywin and Joanna were genuinely head over heels in love with one another. It made sense that Tywin would succumb to the beauty of Joanna, but what made Joanna love this gnarled lion? She would never know.

“I have been told we are short in our vaults. Someone has been stealing from me.”

Steady green eyes hold her father’s gaze.

“Do you have an idea who it might be?”

“How would I know? I have no need to go to the vaults.” Her reply rolled off of her tongue easily. Lying had become second nature to Cersei. And she was quite good at it. She got better and better at lying the older she got. The trick was convincing yourself that what you said was true. Most people would let their conscience get the best of them and crumble under their resolve. Cersei was made of stronger stuff. “Is this all you called me in for father?” She stood to leave but the door opened suddenly revealing two men in Casterly Rock armor. Panic was not allowed inside of her. She squared up these men then turned to Tywin.

His eyes haven’t left her. “Your maid has told us otherwise, Cersei. What would you need all that gold for?”

That stupid wench.

Acid rose in her and she wanted to rip that maid’s throat open for snitching on her. “As I have told you, I didn’t go to the vaults. She must be mistaken. And even if I did, that gold is Lannsister gold. Are I not a Lannister? Do I not have a right to it?”

The low creak of his chair as he stands sends a flutter of wariness in her chest. “That’s precisely it my dear. You won’t be considered a Lannister for much longer.” he motions for the men to step closer. Cersei takes two steps back. She was starting to feel cornered. “Which is why I’m sending you to Dorne to get acclimated to your new family and customs.

There was a silence before the storm made Cersei’s face redden. “I will not go.”

Tywin raised an eyebrow. “It’s not up to you, Cersei.”

The two knights were closing in on her. “I will not go to Dorne, father.” Her voice was trembling with hostility. She felt her eyes wildly searching everywhere in Tywin’s study for a way out, something that would help her. There was no Jaime to tell Tywin that Cersei should stay.

Cersei narrows her eyes at Tywin. “I’m not going! You can’t treat me like. . . Like I’m (y/n)!” Hands were clamping down on her shoulder and arm, now she was thrashing. Her full fury took over her. “You can’t treat me like I’m (y/n) father!!”

It was most unbefitting to watch his normally prim and proper daughter become unhinged. Emotionless, Tywin stands right in front of her. “Oh Cersei. What had I told you? Caution. Watch where you step when you play this game with me, Cersei. And at least your sister was able to make herself into a princess all on her own.”

That comment sent Cersei screaming as the knights dragged her away.

She would have been queen had it not been for (y/n).

Taglist:

@boywivlove

@esposadomd

@domoron

@yentroucnagol

@enchantingcupcakecollectionfan

@bregarc

[babygirl097]

Sai

Bayverse!Raph x reader

Shredders first attack on New York. No one knew who took him down, but what happens when a local photographer was able to snap a picture before the true hero's were able to make it into the sewer.

Part 1 of 4

ALL PARTS ON MY PAGE

Hectic. If thats even the word to describe it. Debre everywhere, people running ,screaming, crowding this man who fell from the piller wedged between two skyscrapers. Not me, he wasn't the only thing falling from the sky.

Being a photographer, I always carried my camera. And being that I was the only one paying attention to what else was happening, I quickly lifted and clicked the button. Looking down at the photo I took.

4 figures. Huge. Green? Double checking the photo. As the crowd grew around me I quickly shut my camera off and headed back to my apartment. So much for a stroll out.

Heading inside and grabbing my laptop, I plug my camera into the port. Pulling up the recent photo. Exciting it and making it larger, there they were.

What are they? They had shells like turtles but, they had weapons attached to them. They were massive, clearly reaching over 6 feet tall.

Fascination and curiosity took over. Who are they? What are they?

*Two years later*

That picture hadn't left my mind. 2 years later its still there. Having no clues or getting any closer to the answers I crave. How is there no sightings or news about them? Everytime I feel myself needing to ask someone I cant bring myself to do it.

They clearly didn't want to be seen, plus who will believe me?

Well, I did let it slip to one person. My annoying roommate Casey, my cousin. And as I expected, he didn't believe me. Not that I care, I know what I saw.

Sitting in the living room, staring at the picture again, Casey walks in. "Really again?" He asked

"I cant help myself. I know their real, how else would I have got this?" I said lifting my device.

"Who knows, those cheap cameras bug all the time" he mumbled fixing his shirt

Rolling my eyes, "where are you headed to?" I asked

He sighed, "you remember the attack two years ago? Well that low life shredder is being moved today to a now facility. And guess who's transferring him?" He replies

"Hopefully not you" I jab with a smile

"Oh shut up" he laughs

"But seriously be safe okay? Rent is expensive and I don't want to pay it myself or God forbid find a new roomie" I said

"Ha ha, very funny" he replied sarcastically

30 minutes later he walk out bidding a goodbye.

Having a deep feeling in my gut I head to take a bath, its getting late might as well get ready for bed.

Sighing, looking at the picture. "Please be real" I whisper.

After my bath the feeling slightly went away. As I laid down staring at my plain ceiling, the thoughts keep running through my head. If shredder is being moved, those figures have to be keeping track right? Guessing they were fighting him. There is no way that scrawny Vern guy did it himself.

But, what if? What if they were working for him, being that they left so fast? Sighing, I guess I'm not going to get much sleep. Question after question kept coming.

Rolling over looking at my clock, I've been stressing over my thoughts for two hours. Groaning I get out of bed and head to the kitchen for some water.

Just as I make it to the kitchen, Casey came slamming through he door, "Shit Casey!" I yelled

"Damit!!" He yelled back

"What's your damage dude?" I asked placing my hand over my racing heart

"You remember shredder? Yeah well those foot people broke him out and he just, he just disappeared! Then out of no where this trash tuck pulls up trying to stop them, throwing man hole covers and it had these huge numb chucks! I tried to explain but you know what I got?! Fired!" He rushes

"A trash truck?" I asked

"Seriously? That's all you got from that?" He groaned

"No, I just-" I started

"You don't believe me do you?" He asked

"Yes, I do its just this sounds-" I started again

"Crazy, I know I know" he sighed

He walkes over to the couch, plopping down.

Sighing, I walk over and sit with him

"Look, I'm sorry you lost your job. Maybe we can figure something out" I suggested

"No, there were two other prisoners on that bus. I'm going to hunt them down and bring them to justice." He said

"Okay Mr. Detective. How do you plan on doing that?" I asked

"Their low life's, not one single braincell between them both. I'll figure it out." He replied

Hmm maybe just maybe I might be right. If that trash truck was there to stop shredder, could it be who I think it is?

"I'm going to head to bed, goodnight" I reply getting up.

Bidding his goodnight, I head to my room. Numb chucks, I know the orange one had those on him. Man hole covers, they went into the sewer after the attack.

Pulling up the picture one more time, " I might be onto you" I mumble

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC REVIEW: The Stars Too Fondly by Emily Hamilton

4/5. Releases 6/11/24.

Vibes: everyone is queer, pretty much, grumpy x sunshine, grieving and falling in love, BIG MYSTERY--HUGE

Heat Index: 5/10

Cleo is obsessed with space--which is what leads to her friends accidentally launching a ship towards Proxima Centauri (and it will take... seven years there and back for them to return to Earth; if they survive). But in her defense, she was just trying to find out what happened to the crew that disappeared on launch day twenty years ago! And the the dark matter engine kicked off on its own! Fortunately (?) they're quickly joined by a hologram of Billie, the ship's vanished captain. Unfortunately, she doesn't remember exactly what happened. Or what's going to happen now. Also, she seems to really dislike Cleo--or does she?

OH, this was a lot. Both in terms of genres--it's like, sci-fi with some pretty hard science, I think, knowing nothing about science, plus a bit of magic, plus romcom, plus like... a treatise on loss and loving again?--and plot. This is definitely, ultimately, a romance. And it it's really quite beautiful. Yes, there are jokes, yes there's a mystery that actually gave me a bit of the creeps (in a good way), but ultimately this is about one woman who's gone through this massive loss having her heart cracked open by someone who's sort of given up on everything that seems to matter to her and is trying to ignore that by charging into space.

It bit off a lot. Like, this is a big swing of a book, and it's not perfectly perfect. But it is really good.

Quick Takes:

--This is a textbook grumpy/sunshine book. Billie is a take-no-prisoners alpha bitch, and even in hologram form (to be clear: the hologram is fully sentient, the "real" Billie essentially uploaded her consciousness into the ship right before disappearing) she isn't afraid to boss people around. She has a hard shell, and she's not easy to get through to.

Cleo, on the other hand, is bright and curious and perhaps doesn't take life seriously enough (which is definitely in part a coping mechanism for how badly the Earth is doing... which uh, hit pretty close to home!). Billie puts her in order and forces her to face shit head on; Cleo forces Billie to be a kinder, gentler person and breaks through her walls in a way she really needs. Their love story is really touching, and if you're the type of person who loves to see a hardened person get broken down by falling in love (like me) you'll love this.

--There's so much representation in this cast of characters! The "crew" is made up of an Asian man, Abe, whose partner (also in the group) Kaleisha is a Black trans woman. You also have Rose, who's non-binary, Cleo, who's a Black lesbian, and Billie, a bi woman, making up the primary team. It's all woven in very naturally, and you get the sense that everyone cares for each other and has this sense of solidarity. Just little things, like everyone checking to see if the ship has the hormones Kaleisha needs (don't worry, it does).

I also actually really appreciated the way that Billie was implied to be a woman who primarily dated women and then had her sexuality questioned after she got engaged to a man. Her relationship with the fiance she lost, Neil, is a huge part of who she is--and it's not invalidated by her falling in love with Cleo, or vice versa. In fact, so much of Billie's arc is informed by her grief and pain. She literally ran to space to escape her grief, and it's like--you just can't. And you also can't avoid the reality of moving on, and the fear that comes with loving people you may lose. Oof.

--The mystery was so eerie? Like, the idea of an entire crew of astronauts just disappearing right when they were meant to be launched into space... can you imagine the podcasts?

Hamilton wove this in really well--you get news articles, and especially comms between members of the crew, most of them involving Billie. Which is... man. It feels so sinister, and it also feels a bit separate from the Billie you see in the active present, because this is the "disappeared" Billie, not the hologram. It was a little stomach-churning for me, because, though I knew this was a romance and therefore would have an HEA, I still felt so worried for her and worried about what she was withholding.

--My one critique would be that I do feel like the story goes on a bit long, and could have had the ending shortened a bit. You kind of have this big climactic moment, and then we have to pick up the pieces and hurry to tie up loose ends. Which couldn't be entirely avoided, given the plot of the novel, but could have been a bit tidier. Not a huge issue at all, though, and it was nice to sort of bask in Billie and Cleo's relationship at that point.

The Sex:

So like. Billie is a hologram. Therefore, she can't touch or be touched. Which does put a hold on the physical sex in the novel, but doesn't stop it from being sexy and sexual. I mean, in a lot of ways I found the tension between Billie and Cleo hotter than some of the klutzy sex scenes I've read recently--and that's saying something coming from me, Little Miss Write More Sex.

That said, there is one full sex scene in the book, and it is quite hot. Won't tell you how it comes about, but you won't be dissatisfied. Neither were they.

I am not a sci-fi person. I'm not against it, but I often find it difficult to follow and a bit too cerebral for me to get emotionally involved, even when it's a sci-fi romance. This is the kind of sci-fi that works for me. It exists to serve the characters, and while the science is definitely fairly involved, it's not difficult to understand. (At least for me.)

I keep coming back to this, but I just found the emotional themes of the novel really moving in a way I didn't expect. It felt kind of heartbreaking at points. But thanks to the magic of a romance novel, it comes back to this circle of love and warmth (which really does transcend romantic love, too--the platonic bonds in this novel are great). My heart was full.

Thanks to NetGalley and Harper Voyager for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[alecscudder1987]

tagged by @discoidal to do 15 questions, 15 mutuals!

were you named after anyone? i named myself. james you might know him from the giant peach or perhaps the mauraders alternatively the middle name of my middle school crush. you decide

when was the last time you cried? like 2 days ago over a guy. tbh i cry more than i used to but it is sooooo embarassing and evil i try not to. terrible habit to fall into

do you have kids? NOPE terrified to be at an age that this is a valid question tbh

do you use sarcasm a lot? yah but not on purpose. its the autism

what's the first thing you notice about people? personal style bonus points if they're wearing a lot of layers and mismatching shit. also people's hair :)

what's your eye color? like. blue grey i guess. sorta like ocean under fog it kinda changes look depending on what im wearing lmao

any special talents? i can crack eggs without getting any shell in them ever

scary movies or happy endings? yes

where were you born? california baby

what are your hobbies? drawing, playing music, singing, any kind of craft i can get my hands on, really

have any pets? 2 of the goofiest and specialist cats in the entire universe. i am a 6 on the kinsey cat person scale

what sport do you play/have you played? i was on swim teams for like 6 years and i was a non competative dancer for like 14 non consecutive years

how tall are you? 5'6" but in my heart i'm 5'3" because most of my friends are >5'10"

favorite subject in school? english or art :) i liked chemistry and stats but they were just a lot more effort lol

dream job? artist and author!!!!!!!! forever and ever and ever i want to do art and have people see it and be moved by it. Alternatively i want to be the lead singer of an insanely famous homoerotic faggotty punk/rock/indie/alternative band and tour the entire world 1000000 times we'll see how that one woeks out.

tagging y'all, feel free to pariticpate or not it's all chill w me:

@give-her-my-regards @queerhouseplant @macbethapologist @fellshish @kellyscabin @guac-with-style @alwayscomewhenyoucall @constantbellpepper @patronsaintofgirls @scorpiontattoo @rivermp3 @nuclear-cowboy @doublemegative @sevdrag @beachboysnatural

[nikkismith3005]

Day 1: Changes

I have made this kind of promise to myself multiple times in the last five years, and I'm tired of not accomplishing anything and feeling sorry for myself. Looking back at the time wasted, I feel like I am stuck. I now realize that I am the one to blame. I have been my biggest enemy and saboteur, and it sucks. I don't know when or why I became this person, but I have. I have become the person I swore I never would become, and honestly, it terrifies me. I am 26 years old, nearing 27, and the quote from Pride and Prejudice makes sense to me: "I'm 27 years old. I’ve no money and no prospects. I’m already a burden to my parents. And I’m frightened." When I watched the movie at the ripe age of 24 for the first time, I didn't understand what Charlotte Lucas meant, but I do now. I have no money, no prospects, and I dropped out of college. I feel like I am more dependent on others than I was when I was 15. I have no higher education, just some college, and no real clue about what I want to do with the rest of my life other than not be where I am right now. I look back at what I have been through and feel numb, numb from the experience, and feel like I am a loser. When I look in the mirror, I see someone who isn't myself, as if I was transformed into some stranger and forced to live my life with their face.

It feels like I'm in a messed up version of an isekai manhwa, except in my case, I'm not a wealthy princess who has everything I need. I'm starting from scratch, from the bottom. It's tough. But maybe there's some beauty in starting with a rough marble, just like how every great artist begins their work from nothing. There are so many changes that need to be made.

Procrastination

Anxiety/Depression

clutter

Ignorance

stubbornness

Self-depreciation

Pessimistic

Quitter

Putting myself last

Not asking for help

Not growing

Stagnant

I never realized how much I hated myself until I saw my family growing up, and I was still at the same mental age I was 5-6 years ago. I hadn't grown and had become a shell of the person I was set to become. I want to change. I want to become me.

Today is the first day I will start my journey on a new path, I am still determining what I will be doing, but it's different from what I'm currently doing, which is nothing.

I want to be happy.

[robotstrategy]

Recalled • Part 6 • 41 - Roland

Previous • Series Masterlist • Part 6 Masterlist • Next

TW: Xenophobia

The weekend after the first test, Roland and his family decided to go up to see his grandmother in California. Down in Indianapolis, he’d say it’s cold right now, but Nero seems to think it only feels like fall weather. So who is he to judge really? It could be worse.

His grandmother lives in a beach house on Hermosa Beach, it’s a beautiful estate, Roland and his sister pass the picket fence as they get closer to the door. The picket fence has a distressed look, and there’s a multitude of shells that Roland gave his grandmother when he was little glued onto the fence. At least that’s a good visual memory about this place, he can’t say that there are other good ones. Heading inside her house, the place is a little tacky, at least to him, he supposes that the taste of a 65-year-old woman is far different from the taste of a young adult. At least she’s keeping on theme with all the beach decor. His mother and Lilian go over to hug their grandmother while Roland goes to sit at the kitchen island gently dropping his things underneath him. 

“Oh, who’s this grim man? No hug for your grandmother?” Roland smiles, looking over at his grandmother as she comes over with her hands on her hips. Roland gets up to hug her. He must’ve gotten his height from his father, because his mother is quite shorter than him, and his grandmother is even shorter, though that could be her old age. Roland practically envelopes her as he hugs her. “Oh my!” She comments, she gently grabs his arms from around her, looking at the ink tattooed into his hands. 

“Your grandfather would’ve loved this one.” She says to him, pointing at the shark. His grandfather had succumbed to a hidden illness when his mother was still a child. His grandmother would tell him stories about him when Roland was little, she still wishes he was here to see his grandchildren.

“I see his grafts are still healing, hasn’t it been around four months since he was recalled?

“We could only afford the basic treatment, besides I was more worried about his brain.”

The grandmother turns back around to him, “What happened to your brain dear?”

“My personality changed, someone bought my frontal lobe,” He pauses. “I don’t think you’d notice, I haven’t seen ya since I was thirteen?” He tries to recall, but his grandmother nods. “A very long time.”

Roland curses his existence, he wishes he could have had more time with others before his unwinding. The last two years he’s been god knows where sitting in a body locker for people to ogle at him. At that time his mother and stepfather got a divorce, not that he was complaining, that guy was a piece of work.

Lilian stares out the glass patio door at the beach, she wraps her arms around her, her hands reaching the top of her opposite shoulders.

“I’d like to go out, on the beach.” She states.

“Roland, could you take her out?” His mother asks. 

Roland nods, he goes over to slide open the patio door, holding out his hand for Lilian to take. 

“I meant to go swimming, you brought shorts for that didn’t you?” Lilian asks. Roland hesitates, he nods again, grabbing his swimming trunks out of his bag and heading upstairs to change.

As Roland and his sister splash each other back and forth he tries his best to think about the ominous structure to the left of him. Next to him is Hermosa Beach’s big long pier that spans 1,140 out into the ocean. They say that if you go to the end of it you can see sharks a little farther out. And they’re right, Roland would know, he had a very close encounter with a shark once. It seems like it’s not only Roland who’s trying to ignore the pier, soon enough Lilian’s non-offset eye turns to the pier.

“Do you remember when…” She starts.

“I’m sorry.” He spits out. In truth, a long time ago his stepfather had thrown him off that pier, promising he’d jump in after him, but he did not. To prove to himself that he was better than his stepfather Roland threw his own sister off the pier, unlike his stepfather he jumped in after her. 

“I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about when I used to watch you up there while you’d be using your boogie board.”

“Oh, yeah… that was nice…” It’s not like soon after that a shark decided to make 13-year-old Roland its next meal.

Lilian starts walking back to the beach line with Roland following her. “I want to jump off the pier with you.” She says. Roland freezes in place. “But why?” He asks.

“Because it would be fun,” She then looks him in the eyes. “And maybe it would prove to you that you’re better than Mr. Taggart and your younger self.”

She keeps walking forward to the sand. 

To prove that he is better than his younger self? Is that what Roland’s self-worth has come to? At least it’s better than thinking his self-worth is the gummy worms Mr. Taggart gave Lilian to try to calm her as she cried, wondering if and when her brother would be unwound.

Lilian holds Roland’s hand as she climbs the steps of the pier, Lilian turns her head to look at him. “You’re shaking, stop that!”

Roland seems to become more aware of himself, though that only sends him more into his internal thoughts.

They get to the end of the pier, it’s windier out here. Roland remembers kids used to jump off this pier all the time, but no one is out here, maybe it stopped after his generation, like how unwinding stopped after he was unwound.

“I can’t do this.” He tells his little sister. 

“Sure you can, people younger than you do it.” She mimics him.

“I know, I just,” He looks over the edge at the big drop. “I can’t do this to you, or me.”

“What have you got to lose by doing this?” Lilian asks him. It makes him think for a moment, what does he have to lose? He’s got friends, he’s got a boyfriend, he’s got a family, he’ll soon have a job, and he can’t lose any of that to jumping off a pier.

“Nothing.” He finally tells her.

“Then jump with me.” She grabs hold of his hand and starts to run, he’s got no option but to run with her. He sees the drop again but he’s now being fueled by adrenaline, the drop doesn’t seem so bad anymore. 

As they jump over the railing Roland hears something snap behind him, he flips himself around to look at the broken wooden railing. Roland had broken the railing as he jumped off of it and it makes him laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Either the laughter is contagious or Lilian is laughing for another reason, it’s mixed in with screams of joy, so probably the ladder. Connecting with the water Lilian lunges over to Roland, holding onto him for dear life.

“Still scared huh?” Roland laughs, and Lilian just rolls her eyes at him. 

As they swim back to shore Roland looks up to the pier again, and he smiles. There’s finally a good memory to associate with that pier.

Arriving back in the house Roland gets all showered off before joining Lilian in the rec room, she’s holding an old camera. 

“whatcha got there?” He asks. 

“A camera, I just can’t get it to turn on.”

Roland holds out his hand to receive the camera. Inspecting it he flips open the battery container.

“Ah, yeah there’s no battery in there.” Roland hands back the camera and starts rummaging through the drawers, seeing if he can find anything. At the back of one of the drawers, there’s a camera battery sitting in its charger. Roland grabs it. “Alright, hopefully, this thing still has juice on it.” 

Lilian hands back over the camera, Roland inserts the battery and the camera comes to life. Roland sits down with Lilian as he presses the pictures button. There are a lot of pictures of a young boy and a girl with a blue patch over her eye. “Oh, wait, that’s you and I!” Roland exclaims.

“The house looks messier,” Lilian comments.

“Yeah, it does.” Roland cycles through more photos, he gets to one with his younger self playing frisbee with an ochre man. “Oh, that’s who Otto and Martha were talking about,” Roland mutters. 

“Why does he look so much like you?” Lilian questions. 

Roland looks at her funny before he takes a closer look, she’s right. The nose, the jawline, the piercing blue eyes, and possibly even his height. The only thing separating Roland from this man was his skin tone and hair colour. He looks over to Lilian, noticing her hair is darker, like the man’s. Roland furrows his eyebrows, if that’s who he thinks it is then how have he nor Lilian inherited his skin tone?

He keeps switching to different photos until he finds one with his mother and the man, she’s laughing as he has his arms around her, planting a kiss on her neck. She’s remarkably paler than she is now, Roland realizes that he and his sister are a mix of both of their skin tones. Roland keeps flipping through photos until he finds videos in the back of the memory card.

There’s a video of his mother pregnant, she sits on the couch talking to the person behind the camera. The person has the deeper voice of a man, but what’s more notable is the occasional slip of Spanish in his voice.

“Are you thinking of any names for our son?” His mother asks.

“Hmm, Rolando.” He states.

“Oh, I like that one.”

Almost in unison Roland and Lilian look at each other. “That’s our dad!” They exclaim.

Roland hears the hollering of their grandmother calling them up for lunch, “We’d better get going.” Roland tells his sister, Lilian nods and they head up.

“What were you two doing down there?” Their grandmother asks.

“We found an old camera, there’s baby pictures of Roland and I on there,” Lilian says. Suddenly both Roland’s mother and his grandmother look panicked. 

“Oh, I’m sorry I should have hid that better.” His grandmother tells his mother.

“What’s the problem?” Roland interrogates.

“Well, I had it hidden for a reason, it was your father’s.” His mother tells him.

Lilian sits down at the table. “Yeah, we know that we saw him.”

“And you’re not freaked out?” His grandmother asks.

“We never knew what he looked like, it’s kind of nice to see him,” Roland replies.

“Well you should know he’s a criminal, he got put in jail for government theft.” His grandmother says.

“I know that!” Roland snaps. “It doesn't even matter anyway, he’s probably been shilled by now.”

“Good riddance!” His grandmother slowly goes off into a mutter. “I had enough of that filthy immigrant anyway.”

Roland catches what she’s saying and stands up. “What the hell did you just say?!” He yells at her.

She sighs angrily. “I did a lot to make sure you weren’t associated with him. He tried giving you a Spanish name, but I said no, and Cindy had him compromise by giving you an American version. He tried the same shit again when your sister was born. I just knew he’d turn out horrible, I couldn’t bear for him to name you.” She tries giving him a sympathetic look, but Roland shakes his head.

“I’m not hungry anymore.” He gets up from the table.

“Roland…” His mother calls out for him.

“I said I’m not hungry anymore.” He states again.

“Are you not ready for a tough conversation?” His grandmother questions.

Roland whips his head around, letting out a “tch” noise. “Tough conversation my ass, you called someone you think is dead a filthy immigrant!”

Peacefully, Roland leaves for the upstairs’ Juliet balcony, he slides open the window; taking a fresh breath of air whilst a screaming match happens below. ‘Poor Lilian.’ He thinks he'd go back down there, but he’d risk becoming part of the screaming match too. Roland slams his fist against the wrought iron. ‘Coward!’

Soon Roland hears Lilian cry and it breaks his heart, the screaming dies down after that, no one wants to make her cry. 

Roland hears someone climb the stairs, he thinks it’s Lilian, but it’s his mother. She joins him at the window.

“Rolando and Liliana.” She finally says.

“Huh?”

“That’s what he wanted to name you two.” 

“Oh.”

His mother takes a breath. “You know, you look just like him, just lighter.” 

“I know, I saw the photos.”

They just sit there in silence looking at the beach before his mother says something again. 

“He didn’t get shilled, Roland.” 

“He didn’t?!” Roland is surprised.

“No, he was released just recently, I was thinking of taking you two to visit him next weekend.” 

“Why can’t we go tomorrow?”

His mother gives him a dirty look. “Roland, we’re at your grandmother’s house.”

Roland gives her a dirty look back. “Oh boo hoo, she’s being xenophobic, and I don’t want to be here!” 

His mother tries to give him the same sympathetic look his grandmother was doing. 

“Hey! If you’re standing with her, you’re no better than her.” Roland snaps. 

His mother sighs, “Roland we’d have to take an overnight plane.” 

“Will that be a problem for Lilian?”

“…no.”

“Fine by me then, now if you don’t mind, I’m going to go comfort my sister.”

[lovesosweeet]

KNOW IT ALL x THE BAND CAMINO

part 8

a calum hood songfic

read 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7

tw: suicide

one year ago

Tillie isn’t a sound sleeper. The slightest movement, the smallest amount of light, and even the quietest sounds can wake her up. Calum is the opposite and can fall asleep whenever, wherever, for however long he’d like. 

When her phone starts buzzing at 4 am, she assumes it’s a spam call, so she ignores it. When it goes off again, she sighs, now wide awake. She takes it off the nightstand next to Calum’s bed and looks at the bright screen. 

2 missed calls from the Raleigh police department. 

Why’s she getting calls from North Carolina? She hasn’t been “home” since she was 18.

She gets out of the bed and heads to Calum’s kitchen, hitting the “call back” button and pressing the phone to her ear. It rings a few times before someone answers.

“Raleigh police department, how may I direct your call?”

“Hi, um, I just got two calls from this number.”

“What’s your name?”

“Tillie —sorry, Matilda Beckett.” 

The line goes quiet. 

“Hello?” She asks.

“Yes, Ms. Beckett, my colleague was trying to reach you. Just a moment. Let me transfer you to him.” 

Elevator music plays, and Tillie starts to get a little nervous. Her family doesn’t live in Raleigh, but that doesn’t mean they can’t have been visiting the city. Not that she wants to hear from her family. Would anyone in her family call her to bail them out of jail, despite not speaking to her for several years? 

“Ms. Beckett?” A new voice asks.

“This is she. And Tillie is fine.”

“Okay, thank you for giving us a call back, Tillie,” he says. “I have some, uh, unfortunate news to share with you this morning.” 

“Okay?” Her heart is hammering in her chest. What happened?

“It’s about your sister, Madison Beckett.”

Fucking hell. Not Maddie. Tillie still hasn’t ever answered one of her calls. She’s still too scared to face her. Was Maddie getting arrested her only hope to actually speak to Tillie?

“What about her?” 

“Tillie, I apologize that we have to deliver this news over the phone, but you were her emergency contact. Madison, unfortunately, passed away very early this morning.”

Everything feels stuck in her throat. Words, cries, questions… there’s a huge lump. A painful one. Her head is spinning. She doesn’t feel able to walk, so she just sits down in the middle of the floor in the kitchen. 

“Oh,” is all she’s able to say.

Tillie starts crying. She’s having a hard time breathing and the weight of the world feels like it’s pushing down on her chest. Calum's checkered black and white floors are dizzying, so she closes her eyes while she tries to stay coherent enough to listen to this man on the phone.

“Are you able to come and organize funeral arrangements? We will also need you to empty her apartment, and meet with her lawyers to discuss her will.” 

Is Tillie the only person in the world left to do that for Maddie? 

“Yes, I’ll get on the next flight to Raleigh. I live in Los Angeles.”

“Thank you, Ms. Beckett. My name is Officer Perez. I’ll shoot you a text with other information if this is a good phone number.”

“Sure, that works. Thank you.”

“Alright, I will see you whenever you’re able to get here.”

“Um, can I… ask, um, what happened?” 

Officer Perez sighs. “Maddie passed away from a drug overdose. She left a note, so it’s ruled as a suicide. I’m so sorry, Tillie.” 

Tillie feels like a shell of a human as she goes through her next set of motions. She grabs her shoes and sweatshirt from Calum’s bedroom. In the kitchen, she finds a sticky note that she can leave a note for Calum on. She’s sobbing as she writes the note. 

I need some space. I’m sorry. I love you.

She stares at the black ink on the blue paper and feels horrible for this being how she tells him she loves him. She’s leaving him. Maybe even forever. Does it matter if she says she loves him?

She sighs, crumpling the paper into a ball and stuffing it in her pocket. She rewrites the note without the last sentence and sticks it on the coffee machine, somewhere she knows Cal will notice it. 

As Tillie drives, she’s racked with guilt.

Her sister had tried for years to reach out to her. She was the reason she was kicked out. This all feels like her fault. She should have been there for her. 

Tillie feels like the blood is on her hands. 

She’s the reason her sister is gone. How is she supposed to let anyone be close enough to possibly do the same thing? She’s done so many bad things. Is someone as kind as Calum someone who should be with her?

How does she even tell anyone about this? Cal is the only one who knows anything about her sister. What will he think when he finds out she committed suicide? The only person to contact about her death was the person who had her thrown out of their family home. 

How fucked is that?

Tillie drives straight to LAX, headed to the information desk to figure out what the next flight is so she can get to RDU as quickly as possible. 

-

When Tillie lands in Raleigh, she rents a car and heads straight for the police department. She catches a glimpse of her sunken in eyes in the rear view, the blue bags underneath pulling out the blue in her irises. 

Officer Perez walks her through the whole thing that happened. Maddie didn’t show up for work, so her boss had the police do a wellness check when Maddie didn’t answer anyone’s calls or texts. They found her on the bathroom floor with an empty bottle of pills and a typed note on the bathroom counter.

He gives her the keys to her apartment so she can go collect everything and begin the process of emptying the apartment. Tillie doesn’t say anything at all except “okay” a few times. She’s stunned and feeling like the worst person to ever exist. 

A death. The death of her sister. It’s on her hands. 

Tillie drives to the apartment, immediately feeling like an outsider as she pulls in to the lot. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone, so she wanders around for a while to find the unit. When she finds it and gets in, she heads straight for the bathroom, which has caution tape on the doorway, but Officer Perez said she’d be allowed to take it down. 

She just wants to read the note. 

Tillie, I hope you read this.

I loved you. I missed you. I forgave you a long time ago. But you didn’t care. You were the only person left that I still considered family.

I guess it didn’t matter. 

I can’t live like this anymore. I’m so alone. I’ve always been so alone. 

Maybe my assets will be of use to you, at least more than they were to me. 

I’m proud of you, you know. You’re so talented. I always knew you’d go far.

Tell Mom and Dad they fucking suck for me, please? I don’t know if you speak to them anymore, but I doubt you do. That’s my last wish. You have to tell them they ruined my life. They're why I’m gone. 

You were what kept me going. The hope we’d have some kind of relationship. But I know now that’s not happening. 

I love you.

Maddie

Tillie looks up from the note and sees a stranger in the mirror. She sees a monster. Even though the note said that her parents were the reason that Maddie was gone, she can’t ignore the fact that she played a huge hand in it.

The pit in her stomach is only growing. She’s a horrible person, and she shouldn’t have anyone close to her. She can’t do this to anyone else. She fears she’ll betray someone again.

read next part!