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dollystuartwrites · 2 years ago

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Stray Gods - Chapter 25

Pairing: Gods!OT8 x !F!Reader

Genre: romance, friends to lovers, polyamory, mystery, supernatural, angst, fluff, smut

Wordcount: 3497

Chapters: [1] - [2] - [3] - [4] - [5] - [6] - [7] - [8] - [9] - [10] [11] - [12] - [13] - [14] - [15] - [16] - [17] - [18] - [19] - [20] [21] - [22] - [23] - [24] - [25] - [26] - [27] - [28] - [29] - [30] -? MASTERLIST

Summary: With no memory of who you were, you wake up in the woods, only to be found by eight unusually handsome men. With no information of the past, the guys decide to take you in and take care of you for the time being. But that time becomes years, and as time passes, you start to notice that there is something different about them... and something different about you...

Warnings: angst, praise, thigh riding, kissing, fingering, overstimulation, lovebites, bad/miscommunication, low self-esteem, swearing, name-calling, dry humping, college, degradation, gods, special powers, vaginal sex, oral sex (f&m), mentions of contraception (condoms&thepill), injuries, mentions of death (but no character deaths), virgin!reader, teasing, daddy kink, orgasms, poly relationship, semi-public sex. I've probably forgotten some so let me know if I did and I will add more as the story progresses.

Taglist: @eastleighsblog @tangerminie @speedybagelmongerpasta

You felt like you were starting to develop a split personality. On one hand, there was the part of you which writhed and ached for more and more intimate relations with the boys, your head constantly wandering off and ending up in the gutter, fantasising about what might happen next and with whom. You didn’t feel ashamed about this anymore, but as it was still relatively new to you, the unfamiliarity of it made you feel slightly awkward. On the other hand, there was this calling, a gut feeling that repeated itself over again and again. You were not human. You were like them. But wherever it may be that was like them, you weren’t sure about. Whenever you were not daydreaming of laying in Changbin’s arms, kissing Han’s soft lips or cuddling with Jeongin, your mind would try to recall the dream that you had had. But it hadn't been a dream. If only you could grasp it…

‘You alright?’ Adam asked as the two of you walked through the corridor of the school towards the cafe to get lunch.

‘Yeah, why?’ you said quickly, pulling your face into a smile.

‘You’ve been quiet lately,’ Adam remarked. ‘Everything’s going alright?’

You smiled at him reassuringly.

‘Yeah, it’s just that my mind feels like it’s been kinda overloaded lately. I guess I just really need a vacation,’ you sighed. It wasn’t a lie. You really did feel like getting away for a bit would be nice and might help you clear your mind or even get some answers. Either way would be good with you.

‘Ugh, tell me about it,’ Adam sulked. ‘I can’t wait till exams are over and the break starts. I know it’s only like a week, but I need it so bad.’

‘Do you have any plans for your break?’ you asked, interested.

‘I do, actually,’ Adam replied, pulling an even grimmer face. ‘My parents have asked if my sister and Icould fly over to visit them. Honestly, I’d rather lock myself in my room for the entirety of the break, but I couldn’t turn them down,’ he spoke.

You clicked your tongue at his words.

‘Yeah, and what’s even more annoying is that by the time I get over my jetlag, it’ll be time to come back again. And then I’ll have to start the new semester with the new jetlag.’ Adam pulled a face like he was biting into an especially sour lemon.

‘Shit, man, that sucks,’ you said empathetically.

‘Thanks,’ Adam sighed. ‘But what about you? Will you be going anywhere for the break?’

‘To be honest, I’ve never been on holiday,’ you replied.

‘Seriously? Not even here in Korea? Camping? Overnight hotel?’ Adam asked in disbelief. But you shook your head at all his options. His incredulous face made you laugh.

‘What about your parents? Won’t you visit them?’ Adam asked with a slight frown. You knew what he was thinking. You had purposely always avoided revealing too much about yourself. Never talking about your parents or anything. You weren’t sure before if you were ready to tell him the truth, or at least the “safe” truth. But as you had gotten to know him better, you decided Adam was a good friend, and he deserved to know.

‘Actually,’ you began as you sat down on one of the benches in the cafe that had a nice view of the awful weather outside, ‘I don’t have any parents.’

Adam blinked a few times as he sat down opposite you. You smiled calmly at him to let him know it was alright.

‘So, you know I live together with some guys, right?’ you said.

‘Guys? More like supermodels,’ Adam huffed incredulously, like the world had been unfair to him.

You chuckled.

‘Yes, well,’ you said, taking a breath, ‘They found me three years ago in the woods.’

You paused for a moment for Adam to take in your words, and with every second, the crease between his brows got deeper and deeper.

‘I actually don’t know where I come from. I don’t know who my parents are or what my real name is,’ you explained.

‘Holy shit… I’m…,’ Adam began. It was evident he wasn’t sure what to say. It seemed like he wanted to say he was sorry but was unsure whether he shouldas he saw you smiling calmly at him.

‘Did you get in an accident or something?’ Adam whispered, his voice lowering unconsciously in shock.

You shrugged.

‘Maybe,’ you said simply. ‘All usual skills were intact, and I could read, write, talk, walk, count and knew all the standard school educated knowledge. I just don’t have any memories about myself before that time.’

‘Wow,’ Adam said silently, staring at you with big eyes. You waited, giving him time to ask the questions you knew he would have.

‘Are you now- Don’t you wanna- Like, have you looked for your parents or family? Like, did you go to the police?’ Adam asked worriedly.

‘Of course we did,’ you replied as Adam nodded along, completely taken aback by your story. ‘But they couldn’t find anything useful. So, I decided to let it go,’ you said calmly but resolutely.

‘What? Wai-What? How can you- Don’t you- But- Why?’ Adam stammered in disbelief. His mouth opened, probably to add more arguments, but you cut him off politely.

‘I can spend the rest of my life trying to discover who I was before this, but I’d much rather live in the moment and be who I am now. The boys took me in and they’ve been taking good care of me. They are my family now, and I love them. I don’t really need anything else,’ you said with a shrug.

Adam thought a moment about your words, and you could see them sinking into his brain as he stared at you.

‘But… A person’s character is made out of memories and experiences. You can’t, like…be; you can’t have character if you don’t have any memories. So, there must be something… anything,’ he said intensely.

‘Hmm,’ you hummed. ‘There are, but they’re too vague to grasp now,’ you said thoughtfully, not wanting to reveal too much. Adam’s face instantly became eager, but you quickly shut him down. ‘But all those vague things give me more of an understanding of who I am now than they paint an image of my history, if that makes sense.’

Adam frowned, thinking over your words.

‘Anyway,’ you spoke again, ‘I’ll figure it out sometime. In my own time and pace. Alone,’ you added, hoping he would get the message.

‘Right,’ Adam said with a nod, understanding that you didn’t want nor need his help to figure this out. ‘One last question, though,’ he added.

‘Shoot,’ you said, friendly.

‘You seem so… chill with all of this. You know you don’t have to pretend with me, right? You don’t need to act though or anything,’ Adam said carefully.

You chuckled, and you could see the surprise on his face.

‘I know it might be unthinkable for you, but I am genuinely not bothered by it,’ you said, but then corrected yourself. ‘Well, maybe “bothered” isn’t the right word, but I'm not sad or hurt or anything. I’m fine talking about it, and you don’t have to evade the topic of “past” or “memories” or “family” or anything. It’s fine. I’m fine.’ You gave him a reassuring nod.

Adam didn’t seem to think you were fine at all, however, you could see the questions burning in his eyes, but thankfully he didn’t press on. Instead, he quickly changed the subject to the dreadful weather and how the current heavy rain would probably cause another leakage in his room again.

You went along with it, not wanting to have to convince him any more than you had already tried to do.

Although your conversation with Adam had kinda left things a bit awkward between the two of you, it had given you an idea.

‘Lino?’ You began as you sat comfortably in the backseat of the car that Minho was driving, with Han sat next to him in the passenger seat.

‘Hm?’ Minho hummed.

‘Can I borrow some money?’ you asked him. You know you didn’t have to feign sweetness or bat your eyelashes at him to get it, as they all had made clear to you that they had more than enough money to spare if ever you needed it.

‘Sure, how much do you need?’ He asked casually as he took a left turn.

‘Oh, erm,’ you said, suddenly coming to the realisation that you hadn’t completely thought this through as you had been too excited about the idea itself. ‘I don’t know yet,’ you admitted honestly.

‘What’s it for?’ He asked. It wasn’t a question of which he would judge your answer, you knew this, but it was simply to see if he could possibly help you calculate the cost of whatever you would need the money for.

‘Erm, well,’ you began, not sure why you were hesitant to say it but deciding to spill the beans anyway, ‘I would like to go on a trip during the next break. Like a vacation,’ you explained.

Both Minho and Han turned around to face you at the exact same moment, speaking in unison.

‘Alone?’ their voices doubled.

‘Watch the road!’ you shouted, startled that Minho would act so carelessly while operating a moving vehicle. Instantly there was an odd tingle in the air. The sound of the rain clattering on the roof stopped, and the cars that had been passing by suddenly seemed frozen, like odd statues in the middle of the road. Minho let go of the steering wheel and turned his body towards you to see you better.

Ever since you had discovered what they were, they had been using their powers more and more freely around you. Although you were happy that they were finally able to be their true selves around you, you were still getting used to it.

‘Right,’ you said dryly as you observed the paused surroundings.

‘You wanna go on a trip alone?’ Han asked with big eyes. There was a mixture of shock, disappointment and worry in his bright greens as he looked at you.

‘I just wanted to go on a trip,’ you shrugged. ‘I’ve never been on holiday before. I know you all have jobs and obligations and-’

‘You really think we’d let you go alone?’ Minho said almost scornfully.

‘Yeah,’ you said defiantly. ‘I’m not a child and-’ but you were cut off once again.

‘I never said you were,’ he interrupted, arching a brow. You raised yours as well.

‘Darling, we know very well that you’d be fine on your own, except Chan maybe,’ he added and then shook his head, ‘this isn’t about your safety,’ he spoke. A small smile played around his lips as he looked at your confused face.

‘Do you really think we’d be able to go a week without you?’ Minho sighed with a chuckle. You blinked. ‘Chan would be worried out of his mind, Changbin would be bored to death and probably start to set fire to things just to have something to do, Seungmin would probably complain nonstop, and Hyunjin would probably be so lovesick that not even Felix would be allowed to enter his room.’

‘We’d all be,’ Han said, looking pained at the thought of it. Your heart was beating in your chest, and you could feel your stomach fluttering.

‘Baby, I don’t think we can do without you anymore,’ Han said softly. Minho nodded silently in agreement. ‘But if you really want to go alone…,’ he spoke, the words seeming difficult to leave his lips. ‘We… Of course, we will let you go alone,’

Of course, after their speech, there was no way you could bear to leave them behind. Nor did you want to. It wasn’t necessarily that you had wanted to go on vacation alone, you just had expected them to be too preoccupied with other things. It was always hard to really plan stuff out, because, other than the communal meals and the weekly movie night, they all had jobs with their own schedules that never seemed to coincide. But as soon as you told the guys during dinner that evening that you wished to go on a trip, they instantly agreed to come. Whenever you tried to express your concerns regarding their own obligations, they waved them away instantly, like flies on their food.

‘It’ll be fine,’ Felix said with a reassuring smile.

‘I could definitely use a vacation, yeah,’ Hyunjin said with a stretch.

‘Where would you like to go?’ Jeongin asked.

‘Erm,’ you said, once again realising that you hadn’t thought it through completely. ‘I don’t have to go to Europe or anything, jetlag and all,’ you said, remembering Adam’s complaints. ‘I guess somewhere here in Korea would be fine. It’s only for a week anyway,’ you said with a shrug.

‘We could go to Jeju Island,’ Chan suggested slowly, looking thoughtfully.

‘Oh, yeah, I haven’t been there in ages,’ Seungmin agreed immediately, teeming with enthusiasm.

‘Jeju would be cool,’ you said in agreement. ‘It’s only an hour’s flight from Busan, right?’ you asked.

Some of the guys raised their brows at you, and you looked at them confused.

‘Teleportation, my dear, teleportation,’ Hyunjin said, patting you on the back as if you had just said something incredibly stupid.

‘Riiiight,’ you said with a slow nod. ‘But can you bring suitcases with you and such?’ you asked curiously.

‘We can bring anything that is in contact with us and that we consciously want to take with us. So, like clothes, suitcases, and people,’ Felix explained. ‘As long as we like, take into mind that it needs to come along, it will. That’s why the ground underneath our feet isn’t like accidentally teleported along or anything.’

‘Makes sense,’ you nodded understandingly.

‘So, Jeju then?’ Han asked hopefully.

You all agreed.

You didn’t have much time to be involved with the further planning of the trip, as your exams were coming up soon. You hadn’t even had a moment to think about your status as a Goddess either, as every minute of the day suddenly seemed crammed with study time. In the mornings, you often skipped breakfast to read through your notes once more before Han or Minho would call you out to the car. Adam shared your stress, and instead of the usual free time you spend between classes and in breaks where you sat and chatted, you now raced off to the library to study together in silence. The conversations consisted of the bare minimum.

‘Hi,’

‘Hey,’

‘How many left today?’

‘One, it’s a paper,’

‘Right,’

…

‘Well, good luck, bye!’

‘You too, bye!’

And you’d both rush off to your respective classrooms.

It was Friday afternoon when you finally turned in the last of your exams and walked out of the classroom feeling like you could finally breathe again. Although you were sure none of your grades would be top marks, you were confident you had at least passed every single subject.

You stepped into the hallway and took a deep breath. It was done. You took your phone out of your pocket and turned it back on. Instantly a few messages came in from Adam.

“Hope your last exam went well. I’m already done but had to rush home to pack. Flight leaves at 11 tonight. Have fun on your first trip! See you back at school in two weeks!”

You smiled at his text. His exams must’ve gone well, too, as his manner of texting seemed quite cheerful. You knew Adam well enough to know that if it had gone badly, he’d never had used as many exclamation marks as he did.

You texted him a:

“Thanks, you too! Take care!”

And made your way to the bus station. It was a pity that you couldn’t drive back with Minho and Han today as you finally had time for them. The past two weeks, you had barely had any time for any of the boys, and it broke your heart. You knew they wanted to spend time with you, but they also realised you needed your space to study. Now and then, they had knocked on your bedroom door, shuffling in silently with snacks or tea, petting or kissing you on the head softly or speaking words of encouragement before tiptoeing their way out again. There had been several occasions where you had woken up in your bed, still wearing your clothes, while you had been sure you had been sitting behind your desk just moments ago. But then, whenever you checked the alarm clock on your nightstand, you realised you must’ve fallen asleep, and one of the guys must’ve carried you to bed and tucked you in.

It wasn’t until you sat down on the bus that you realised how tired you actually were. It washed over you like a tidal wave, dragging you down. You had been sleeping far too little, probably competing with Chan for insomnia, although you didn’t think anyone could ever win from the poor man. You yawned as you stared out of the window, blinking ferociously in an attempt to stay awake until you made it to your stop. The first thing you would do when you arrived home would be to go straight to your room and sleep, finally catching up with the hours your body was only now telling you had missed.

But when you arrived home, your little plan was instantly wiped out from the moment you stepped inside.

As soon as you set foot in the house, you could tell something was going on. There was a lot of shouting going on. Not the angry, annoyed, or aggressive manner, but more the rushing, inquiring one.

You quickly kicked off your shoes in the hallway and hung your coat before stepping into the living room. All of the boys were flitting in and out of rooms, running up and down the stairs and shouting away with their arms full of stuff.

‘Got the sunscreen?’ Hyunjin called.

‘Yep!’ Jeongin’s voice shouted from the stairwell.

‘Has anyone seen my pocketknife?’ Minho shouted.

‘It’s in the bottom drawer in the kitchen!’ Seungmin called back.

‘Erm, excuse me?’ You said as Felix was running by, his arms filled with neatly stacked, freshly washed clothes. Felix instantly stopped and looked over at you.

‘Ah, y/n,’ he said with a smile, ‘are your bags packed yet?’

‘What? Bags? I-what?’ you asked, confused. Felix raised an eyebrow.

‘Your bags… For the trip…You packed them already, right? You had said you would…’ he said, unsure.

‘Everything alright?’ Chan asked as he passed and saw both your and Felix’s faces. His arms were filled with chargers of all kinds. He narrowed his eyes as he looked at you concerned.

‘I-erm,’ you began, trying desperately to remember when you had promised to have your stuff packed already but drawing a complete blank.

‘Uh-oh,’ Felix said with a soft worried click of his tongue. Chan pressed his lips together.

‘What’s going on?’ Hyunjin asked as he walked over, brand new hair dryer and styler in his hands.

‘She forgot to pack,’ Chan spoke for you, not looking away from your pale, startled face. Hyunjin rolled his eyes.

‘You do know we had set to leave at 5.15, right?’ Chan asked you slowly as if you were not quite there.

‘Erm,’ you said again. Your eyes flitted to the clock on the back of the kitchen wall. It was a quarter to 5. You gulped.

‘Can’t we- erm- can’t we just, like, go later? It’s not like we have a plane to catch, right?’ you tried. Hyunjin let out a loud exasperated sigh before turning around and strutting away.

‘Y/n, we explained this like last week,’ Felix said patiently. ‘We need to be careful with the teleporting. We can’t just all arrive at the same place at once; we need a safe spot and time where we won’t be seen.’

Felix’s words sounded vaguely familiar as an incoherent memory drifted to the surface, which also spoke of “testing time and locations”.

‘Right,’ you said hesitantly.

‘If you need more time, I guess we can stay behind and go in at around 12,’ Chan suggested thoughtfully.

‘You can’t; reception closes at 6, so you wouldn’t have a room. You could wait until tomorrow, though,’ Felix suggested. ‘We could scan the place, and you could apparate into our room to-’

‘I’ll just pack now quickly’, you interrupted Felix. You didn’t want to be more of a nuisance. After all, how long could packing take?

‘You sure?’ Chan asked worriedly. You nodded quickly before dashing off.

‘Need any help?’ Felix called after you.

‘No thanks!’ you called back quickly as you were already halfway on the stairs.

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aroacegod · 7 months ago

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I have too many thoughts running through my head constantly. Not negative thoughts, just thoughts. It’s like my brain literally can’t shut up. I’m always thinking about random things—song lyrics that keep repeating, random memes, what’s going on around me, or thoughts that just pop up out of nowhere. It’s a problem I’ve had for a long time, and it’s honestly gotten annoying.

Whenever I want to focus on one thing, I just can’t, because my brain comes up with 25 other things to think about, and suddenly I’m up and doing something else entirely. It’s come to the point where I cannot sit in silence because it gives my thoughts time to run wild. This is especially hard when I’m taking a test or something, because the silence just gives my brain more room to distract me from my task, and I end up spacing out because my thoughts have completely taken over. I need constant background noise if I want to focus on anything. I once did my work at a literal party, people screaming and music blasting on all sides of me less than 5 feet away, and I felt the most focused I ever had in my life. I got asked how I could focus so well with so much noise, but the truth is that I need the noise. Having so many sounds around me all at once makes it impossible for my brain to pinpoint and focus on one of them, forcing it to focus on my work instead. Because of this, loud, noisy areas are the best environment for me when I wanna focus, but it’s not often an option, and I can’t always listen to music either.

My thoughts also used to keep me awake at night. I couldn’t even feel tired because my mind was running a marathon; I’d just be laying in bed with my eyes closed until I eventually somehow lost consciousness. It’s gotten better at night now, but it’s still present in my everyday life. Even just sitting up doing nothing, my mind finds things to think about. It’d be nice to be able to quiet my thoughts for once, but I doubt I can force my brain to stop thinking, even for a second. It only goes quiet when I’m really intensely focused, which doesn’t happen at will, and doesn’t happen often. The only recurring exception I can think of is reading a book I’m really interested in. My thoughts cease, and I become completely unaware of my surroundings; as in, I literally can’t hear anything even if you talk right next to me (which has happened on multiple occasions. Teacher was giving instructions and I had my nose in a book; a friend had to tap me on the shoulder and I was literally so lost.) and I lose all perception of passing time. These random moments of hyperfocus are the only times my mind feels like it’s at rest, and although it does help me make a lot of progress in whatever I’m focusing on, I can’t control it, so it’s not really reliable.

My thoughts don’t run in the background; everything runs in the front, and one thought is pushed out by another. I think it may be a reason I tend to forget certain things easily (I literally forgot that I wanted to write about how my thoughts make me forget. Seriously.) and move from one thing to another so quickly. The only good thing about my constant thinking is that I can always keep myself entertained. I often burst out laughing by myself in my room because of a conversation I had in my head (much to the concern of my mom. I did it just now, actually). I don’t know how to deal with the way my mind is despite it being this way my whole life. All I can really do is hope it gets easier or I somehow manage to figure it out.

#this is a lot longer than I thought it would be #i spaced out multiple times while writing this #everything i described in this literally happened while writing it #i dont understand how my brain works #this is why i need to go into psychology

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hisui-cotton · 1 year ago

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As a little intro, some spoilers ahead! This is a little post about Sugar Apple Fairy Tale and how surprised I was to have enjoyed it. It really is such a good show and I'd recommend it highly. I wrote this in two separate parts but felt it worked better as one larger post so if it's a little disconnected or repeats anything that'd be why. Enjoy!

To fully be honest though I’ve been in LOVE with Sugar Apple Fairy Tale. It’s finished up it’s second season and something about the way it ended makes me think there won't be another season but I wouldn't mind either way. It felt good the way it was. I constantly found myself thinking “YES GIRL SHOW ‘EM” as Anne, our protagonist, was met with more and more hurdles in her quests and she'd work as hard as she could to get around them every time. Sometimes events happened that she simply couldn’t avoid but instead of simply being a damsel or waiting for someone to save her she seems to always get up and ask herself “What can I do right now?” Each time the show beings to enter a trope it seems to lightly find a new way around it or plays into it a really nice way. No matter how it plays out it’s refreshing. Where I would have been upset about feeling like characters should be able to see certain turns coming or problems arising, it was way more engaging to let the story play into those things and be excited for how things would playout after (and maybe shout a few “Gah I knew it!” when I got really into it). Overall too it has this otome game sort of feeling to it’s story progression. Even though the main love interest is fairly clear there are moments that in an otome would definitely net some romance points for certain characters.

Something that surprised me about that is I really enjoyed every second of it. It’s hard to explain the full story of why, but I’ve really had a problem getting into Shoujo type stories lately. I play a lot of Otome, in random sporadic amounts, and something that I enjoy about those rather than general shojou stories is that there is a development of relationships and characters that feels fun. In going through common routes theres a chance to engage and really understand aspects of characters that you tend not to always get in shojous because the story is meant to develop specific relationships. There are times where multiple relationships develop but most of the time a linear story works on specific relationships because that tends to drive the story forward more easily and is usually what readers want to see. Even Otome tend to drive the relationships through the common route but ultimately focus on the single chosen relationship in the full routes. Nonetheless my favorite part of Otome is when everyone is hanging out together and were able to invest our time in getting to know everyone as much as we want and see them interact with each other. There’s also a bit of world building in these parts that I like because Otome always have such fun worlds.

Sugar Apple Fairy Tale though is the perfect mix of the Otome getting to know everyone, and then the main relationship of shoujo. Theres something super engaging about the way they wrote it that makes it both a bit predictable but not in a way that I disliked. Whenever I saw something coming I didn’t go “Gosh that was stupid, I knew from the start”. It was more so that I enjoyed how I could see what was coming because it meant I get to know how the characters reacted when they found it out. For example I sort of knew that bridgette would find a way to get Charelle’s wing the moment she gained a crush on him. I did not however know how she would or what Anne’s reaction would be. And that made it intriguing. Something about the way that works is super nice. From what I understand as well, Sugar Apple is a light novel so it’s possible thats why it feels so interesting in it’s writing (if it is a light novel).

It’s definitely one of the easiest series to watch through that I’ve seen in a while though. It was just...refreshing.

#anime #sugar apple fairy tale #just some thoughts I had watching the show at times #i really was surprised how much I enjoyed it though!#Hisui Notes #anime blog

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sneverussape · 1 year ago

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all right, i'll bite :) for the 4am asks: 12, 14, 39, 87, 100. <3

answering this while a storm rages outside and i’ve yet to have my morning coffee — so this will be…idk unflinchingly honest prob.

12. Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.?

when i was growing up, my parents always reminded us that, had they done something different during their past (dated another person, went to another university, etc), they would not have married each other and we would not have been born. hearing that so constantly as a kid made me have an awareness of What Could Have Been, even though what my parents were aiming for was prob a weird sense of “wow thank god you guys got married” which my brothers and i never gave them lol. i always imagine the scenarios of my parents never getting married to each other and living different lives, but also what would have happened had other decisions been made.

that sense of loss is constant when i think about these things too much - what if we had stayed in x country, what if i had gone to x school for university, what if i had said yes to this certain offer, etc. all of them would have led to a very different life than what i have now. for one thing i’d probably not have the job i have now (a field and institution i never in a million years would have thought i’d be in as a kid), and i’d probably be living elsewhere (likely the US). even staying together with a former partner would have led to a different outcome - i’d probably have kids, live in california, and have a different career/life trajectory. i’m not unhappy with the state of my life rn though, and i think this is the scenario i’d have chosen anyway had i been given the option. the grief maybe comes from the loss of deeper relationships i could have had. i miss the people i’ve had to say goodbye to and are no longer in touch with for one reason or another. i like to imagine that in other universes these other scenarios exist and we’re still having the time of our lives.

14. Would you want to be reincarnated?

no. :)) i want the end to be the end, yknow? whether there’s Beyond or Nothing i want it to be that already. no more repeats, i’m tiredt.

39. Do you know what you want out of life?

whenever people ask me this question, it always reminds me of that scene in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape when gilbert gets asked what he wants for himself, and gilbert says “i want to be a good person”. i watched this as a kid and it really stuck with me. it seems like such a simple thing to be but it’s not. i can’t control most things; i can only really control myself. what i want out of life is just me putting some good out to the world as much as possible, and making conscious decisions that would help rather than harm, even if it’s just for a single person. yesterday my friend was having a hard time but couldn’t leave the house because she had to meet a deadline. i bought her a boba tea and had it delivered to her house as a snack. it was expensive and honestly something she could have done herself but i figured it’d be a nice gesture and one thing to make her day less shitty. i want a kinder world. i try to put out what i want the universe to give back in spades to others. idk that’s all anyone probably really wants at the core of it all, right?

87. Do you anger easily?

yes. my mom has really bad anger issues (likely due to her own childhood as a military brat and being 7 out of 9 kids) and it’s a response i learned to emulate from a fairly young age. i learned to get better control of it as i went through school, copying how my peers and older mentors acted. i think i was always very self-aware, although i don’t know how i was trained to be that way, and i knew anger wasn’t the right response. i’d be seething internally but act controlled on the outside, because i knew that was how to get what i wanted/needed. i’ve mastered it at this point except when it comes to certain people who really trigger a specific response, like my brothers. mannn, the fights we get into. 🙃 i’m slow to outward anger (inside, im always angry with one thing or another lol) with colleagues and friends but when it gets to boiling point, i can be pretty vicious with words. this is also why i prefer keeping it under control because i don’t like the feeling of regret that comes when you say something you didn’t really mean, or something you did mean but know you shouldn’t have said out loud. this is also the reason my sister said she could never be friends with me if we weren’t siblings since i’m far more ruthless than what she can stand. i know that! i accept it. 🥲 i’m working on it.

100. What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in?

hmm. idk really. even my belief of god gets challenged from time to time. probably the one thing i strive to keep believing in despite parts of me also accepting its impossibility, is how people aren’t really gone after death and there’s still a chance to see each other again someday. it’s a necessary coping mechanism for me, and though i equally accept that it can be untrue, i’d rather believe it is. i’d miss people too much if i didn’t, and i don’t think i can bear losing them so permanently. the heartache is too much.

anyway thank you @greens-your-color for the asks! sorry if it got morose. it’s the lack of coffee. 😪

have a good weekend!

#ask game

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sereniv · 6 months ago

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All this, but for me its not about not feeling relief or pride over finishing a task, its that i cant USE that relief or pride

i know ill feel better if i clean my room, itll feel nice, itll feel more open, there will be many benifits including A (type of) sense of accomplishment.

And though i know this and i can almost taste it, its like my body and mind dont know what to do with that information

I see it, i want it, but how do i get it?

And I say 'a type of sense of accomplishment' because I will feel relief that my room is clean, but my brain doesnt connect it to MY reward system

Soni feel relief and pride to a sense but its detatched from me. The pride is in the moment, stand alone, disconnected, as if ive forgotten what lead up to this pride

Same with relief, so in the end my brain sees the tasks i need to do, sees the relief, wants it, but doesnt know how to get it

and eventually, when i do get it, my brain forgets how we even got here

so in the future its the same game. theres no improvement. Just walking on clothes, feeling stressed about it, knowing that it would feel good to have it all clean and craving that feeling, yet not able to do anything about it. And thats all if i can get my brain to focus on that specific thing.

My brain can feel so jumbled up that its like shutting a monitor off. im awake, but literally nothing going on in my brain. at that point i have to just move on. Im staring at my messy room, and cant even understand how i can form a thought of what i want.

Like im actively forgetting what im looking at, and cant even be aware that im forgetting what im looking at. kind of like zoning out

though its not all hopeless, for me i like to talk to myself as a seperate person. out loud. (whenever im able to have A Thought) it feels embarassing but, actually talk as if im talking to someone else, and respond after legitimately thinking. Not only that, but talk to myself like im a scared, stressed child.

And this all banks on my taking advantage of anytime my mind actually has the thought "ugh my room is so dirty" i have to be expecting that, i have to constantly be waiting for that thought so i can catch it and stop myself physically in my tracks. Say out loud what i said, repeat it until i understand exactly what im saying.

Then i can start asking myself questions, out loud, actually thinking about what im saying. like a real conversation.

example:

"Your room is messy"

"yes"

"why dont we clean it?"

"i cant"

"Why? what are you feeling?

"scared"

"You are scared, are you overwhelmed?"

"Yes"

"Why dont we pick up 1 item. Look around the room and take your time and find one item no matter how small. How about that wrapper?"

"I cant move"

"Move your fingers. Now move your toes. Now your arms. Remember, its okay if we put this off until later"

"I pick up the wrapper"

"Yes pick up the wrapper and put it in the trash. the trash is right next to the bathroom. Turn your head and you will see. Maybe count how many steps it takes. You will need to bend your knees first, and move your legs to walk to the trash"

---

This can help a lot, with being able to not only be kind to yourself, letting yourself feel safe enough to express your concerns or what youre feeling, but also help paint a picture of what you have to do, actualizing it in your head

I had months of not cleaning my room, i did this and ended up cleaning and rearanging it in a few days to the point there was literally nothing left to do

all because i was kind, i listened, i understood, and i also told myself that its okay for my room to be messy. that happens. and one more day or one more week isnt going to be any worse than where i was a month ago.

And sometimes it goes like

"I have to do the dishes..... the dishes. the dishes. go to the kitchen. food. kitchen where food is made. im in the kitchen. dishes. the dishes in the sink. only plates. one plate."

its like trying to push two of the same magnet together.

Also listening to music and smoking weed helps a lot but not always

adhd is so embarrassing ur basically like “I have to have fun right the fuck now or I’m throwing myself off the roof” 90% of the time and you also have very little control over this

#adhd

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fromthedome · 5 months ago

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Safety Net

February 3, 2024

Not long after I arrived in Calhoun, my oldest brother, Billy, came to visit me. We were quite a pair: me feeling completely overwhelmed by my new house and my new hospital and my new enormous black cloud of debt, and him working through some tough relationship issues. We talked a lot. We worked out at the gym. We ate egg white omelets at Huddle House. We philosophized. We did some farm calls together. We reflected. We whined.

As I listened to Billy describe the depths of his unhappiness and the extent of his hopelessness, I remember thinking to myself, “Just DO something, damnit, even if it is wrong. At least do something.” That didn’t seem very nice to say out loud, though, so I tried to phrase it more diplomatically. “If you don’t like where you are, in your relationship, in your life, in your job…then leave. It’s that simple.”

And sitting out by my pool on a clear night with the future ahead of us both, it did seem simple...“If you don’t like where you are…then leave. It’s that simple.”

For whatever reason, that phrase stuck with him and it stuck with me, too. We have repeated it to each other many times throughout the years since that first visit, both as a reminder to each other and a reminder to ourselves: if you don’t like it, change it. We have each, in turn, made sudden drastic changes in our lives when we suddenly realized how unhappy we were in certain spaces, with certain people, in certain jobs.

But here is the secret of saying that phrase, and making it true: you have to believe that you can make something new work for you…and for most of us, that belief requires a strong safety net.

….

Many years before...

......

The summer after my first year of college I decided to get in my car and drive around the US. I packed up my little Ford Mustang with my tent inside and my bicycle on a rack on the trunk and I drove everywhere I wanted to go. I didn’t really have a destination in mind, I just wanted to be out, exploring, getting away from my parents and the house in Maryland which suddenly, inexplicably, felt so confining after a year at college. I mostly roamed from park to park but also relative to relative. Usually I called a few hours or maybe a day in advance...”Hey...I’m in Ohio, can I come stay for a day or two?” No one, not one single relative, said no. They all, even some I hadn’t seen in 15 years, took me in and made me welcome and asked me to stay longer.

It was an amazing summer adventure...bouncing from the safety net of my parents’ house to the safety net of my casual independence to the safety net of relatives.

......

A few years later

…..

My middle brother, Mike, once left his job and drove two hours through a blinding snow storm to rescue me after I had been involved in a multiple-vehicle accident on I-81 in western Virginia that totaled my SUV, killed my dog and left me with a gash across my forehead and a profound sense of how lucky I was to be alive. And while I can’t fall asleep in moving vehicles any more, and I still have an ugly scar on my forehead.... I also still have the memory of my brother riding out to my rescue.

......

Much later

…..

When finances were really tight at the hospital, sometime in the early 2000s, my mom saw how stressed out and constantly on-edge I was and wrote me a check for $7000 (the amount of the monthly hospital loan payment). As she handed it to me she said, “I know you won’t ask for help when you need it, so hold onto this and use it whenever you need it but don’t want to ask.” That check hung on my corkboard above my desk from that day until the day I sold the hospital. I was lucky that I never needed to use it, and lucky that I had a parent that could afford to write a check that big and was generous enough to give it. Knowing the check was hanging there, ready, made a huge difference in how I worried about the day-to-day issues of the time.

......

Always

…..

I could give you a thousand examples of how my family is there for each other, always. Yes, we fight sometimes, and yes we are extremely dysfunctional...but I think every family is dysfunctional in some way. But no matter what, we are all there for each other every single day, and we all know that there are people out there to catch us if we fall. Financially. Emotionally, Physically.

It wasn’t until I was old enough to have been out in the world a bit that I began to realize how very, very privileged I have been, and how most of the world is not this lucky. People without a safety net often do not have the luxury of just “leaving” the lives they feel stuck in. Unhappy situations continue for some people because without the unhesitating certainty of a safety net, they believe they are one stupid decision away from falling, and crashing, and burning.

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theres-bugs-in-my-brain · 1 year ago

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Please just block and don’t report, this is my only safe space

I’ve come to the dumbfounding realization that I am hearing things again and I can’t do anything about it.

I have minor to moderate hallucinations

Mostly auditory, mostly nonsensical

The repeating sounds of doors opening, dogs barking, phone notifications stuff like that

On the more extreme end I have seen and heard upsetting things. Disturbing to just plain gross at times.

I also have an imaginary friend, max, who is mostly my voice of reason but he keeps his distance ever since I started going to therapy.

But there’s this one that’s been messing with me for a long time. The voice of my probably dead ex. Long story short he was dealing with psychotic episodes and confided in me for experiencing similar things (hallucinations), but after a dumb argument with me agreeing with my friend over a stupid thing made him think that I was cheating on him. He threatened to take his own life before blocking me. Never heard of him again. Never had a mutual friend between us and I didn’t tell my parents about our relationship or even our friendship so no connection to his family to see if he was okay.

That night I made a promise to take my life before 18 but I’m 19 now.

Since that day he was this soft yet suffocating voice to tell me I wasn’t worth the air I breathed for killing him. I hardly talk about it. Not like how I talk about the bullying or harassment I was experiencing at the time. It’s still hard to talk about it today.

Something about it is that those thoughts, those feelings, that moment is always in the back of my head. I spend so much time trying to forget about it, I end up thinking about it twice as much.

Recently it was my 19th birthday. For weeks, months leading up to that day it was like he was resurrected. his damn ghost talking to me, asking me if I really wanted to stay like this. This alongside the hallucinations twisting and turning what everyone is saying around me. Sounding harsher, whispering cruel truths, even when I’m alone, with the voices of family, friends

Especially friends that walked out, that I don’t know if they’re safe, alive.

It’s eating me up. The things they say.

Makes me dizzy with anger, nauseous with anxiety, choking on grief.

I’ve been trying to stay clean

I really am

But if I’m clean with one thing I’m twice as dependent on the other.

I used to talk about this with my therapist

My closest friend

My brother max

But I don’t go to therapy anymore and she was a bitch anyway, nice lady just always felt like she looked down on me

My closest friend is drowning in his own life and he’s just a kid, how could I even put something on him in the first place

And max, my brother, isn’t that so damning huh? A literal extension of myself and somehow even though he out of anyone should understand the most, his disappointment, him not understanding is what I fear the most.

Plus how could I even bring it up??

“Hey by the way my understanding of what everyone around me is saying is slowly being twisted and it’s getting harder to tell when it happens, and it’s been making me feel violent and awful”

No one would trust my feelings, my perspective, every little thing that I say that I feel will be scrutinized and doubted. Don’t get me wrong, it’s for a good reason, but it feels like no one understands that I already doubt everything I see and hear. Scrutinize every feeling already. Why would I want others to do that to me when I build up the confidence to even say anything?

Cant mix well with my already shaky sense of self. My very identity is constantly contradicted by how everyone else perceives me and my own fucking body betraying me.

So it’s getting bad again and I can’t say anything, but whenever things would build up I would come here to write it down, get it out, so I know I’ll feel better soon. And like I always say

It will pass

#this is just a rant

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waluijoe · 1 year ago

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friendships are too difficult. only got like three of them left and yet, it's a hassle. one of them is "ill hit u up whenever it benefits me and my time", okay, clear. another one is new and fun and we vibe very well but alas her sleeping schedule is so messy & we're both so chaotic that we can only do things together when she deems it so/makes it. but she shows me kindness i'd forgotten existed lmao like asking "how are you" or saying crazy shit like "i could've just helped you with that you know ?" (insane.) (pple like this exist ? fr)

third one is me being a therapist friend to a Very depressed person who doesn't listen to my advice and queries for them to see a therapist/psychiatrist, dumps their trauma/bad days/self hate on me and repeats them to anyone who will listen like my words & presence don't even matter at all, cuts me off often when i try to talk, ignores my words when that i try to bring up whats going on in my head, and constantly reminds me they have "no friends at all, no one" even though ive been here FOR YEARS adapting the way we work to make it fit and make it better, or to listen, or to laugh. and also yells/is a shit at their dog which triggers me and which i cannot escape if i wanna spend time with them. a beautiful combo. and of course i love them, and they're nice to me, and sometimes they tell me they appreciate me and i know they must mean it. but,,, like... its a lotttt idk how to act.

man all the people i've ever had as friends Hated themselves, or were su£cidal, or were heavily depressed/anxious. and me too like, i get the struggle so badly. but most of these people don't care to deal with me or my mental health at all, they don't ask how i've been, what i enjoy, what i do, & they share a lot of their heavy stuff with me all the time without asking, and they don't care that much to share other things&moments with me that much except to not be alone. and like. i'm a mess, and i'm not very healthy, and i'm pathetic most days, sure, but also i do deserve to be appreciated and known. and i want to appreciate and love my friends too. and i want to create stuff together, to lift each other up, or to try methods together and build something if we can. and i fled my family exactly due to being the therapist child, so having the exact same trauma responses/fleeing attitude/anxiety as i did with them now into my closest friendship fkcing Sucks ass. and i knooow its scary to go see a therapist, but like.. you have the mOney. you have the time. you have the ressources, and if you dont, i'll help youuuu. so just do yourself a favor right,,, i was the exact same of course i get it.

people really hate themselves sm that they go on to punish themselves from any type of help or break in the cycle like. pleaseeee listen to me, please do it for the tiny friend in your pocket or you from the future. fucking Call me to meditate until it works, i don't knooow, but coming in with the heavy heavy shit, and being like "no i cant do this with you right now" and LEAVING like im not a person with worry and feelings like heyyoooo you dumb bitch people love you actually don't be like that. be responsible !!! text me a "yo, doing better, watching tv, didnt off myself" idk we can be casual abt this right just be civil don't treat me like a dirty dog i swear

#ventttting possttt #vent #tw vent #im sorry if anyone reads this lmao #man pple really treat me like a dirty dog thats really the word #like they pat me sometimes like heyyy yo youre cool tho thanks #and im like #fucking LOVE YOURSELF bro fucking LISTENNN deeply #apply the methods !!! apply the tricks !! contact me in ways i tell you to !!! keep me updated !!!#seek outside help !!! find alternative methods !!!#tell me your boundaries tell me your triggers !!!#and ask me if my life is going #sometimes #not all the time its fine #but like idk cool reminders that im an actual person are nice #theyre welcome #i appreciate them #might even Need them actually lmfao crazy right #plus this person is so fcuking cool like theyre so full of love #g/od fkcing help them cause i am not enough and neither are they and their parents either

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adhd-attention-deficit-dumbass · 3 years ago

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How do I learn to not be annoying? I blather on about my hyperfixations constantly. I also go on tangents all the time. I can be in a conversation knowing that I'm talking too much, or that my conversation partners don't care about my hyperfixations at all and not have any ability to shut up about it even when I want to. How do I learn to stop?

Hello there friend!

Obligatory apology for answering this X months later: Sorry 😳❤️ better late than never I guess?

As for your question:

I tried writing several answers to this but none of them felt genuine and I don’t want to force myself to give advice I don’t stand for so I guess I’ll vent a little first?

This was really hard for me to answear and I think maybe it’s because it hit a little too close to home? I have always been very shy and anxious but at the same time love sharing things I’m interested in. A lot of times though it ended up with me having my feelings hurt because I went off about something I really cared about only to be met with silence or even responses such as:

”sorry I just genuinely don’t care about what you’re talking about right now”

Which in my opinion is not an okay thing to say, even if someone is going off. There are nicer ways to say it but in my opinion if people have to express that they really DON’T want to listen to you, then those are not people you should hang out with. Maybe I’m controversial here What do yall think?

Personally I have always felt that I should always at least pretend like I’m listening even if I’m not interested and ask questions so the other person feel heard and validated.

For example, my partner is very much into larping and making his own clothes/gear. I don’t really get it when he starts talking about patterns or different materials but whenever he shows me something he made I go ”wow baby! That’s awesome!” And usuallly that’s enough for him to feel satisfied.

You don’t have to be interested yourself to respect that other people have different passions.

I really hate math but when I meet people who study math for their major I always tell them how cool it is because it is! Having passion for things is really cool no matter what it is!

That said you did ask for advice so with that rant over…😅

#1 Focus on listening 🗣👂🏻👂🏻👂🏻

Often trying not to do something is alot harder than trying to do something so if we replace ”not talk as much” with ”listen more” we can instead focus on an easier task with the same outcome.

Listening is a really good skill to learn in general. Whenever you feel as if you’re talking too much; try to make someone else talk instead and focus on listening really well.

Turn to a conversation partner and ask what they think or how their weekend was and don’t settle for a single question, ask follow ups.

”How was your weekend?”

”Okay I guess, I went to visit my grandma”

”Oh that sounds nice, Are you two close? Does She live nearby? Did you do anything fun together?”

Really try to remember what they said, repeat it if you can

”So you went kayaking last fall?

Here you repeat what they said in the form of a question which will prompt them to talk more about it.

If they don’t initiate you can follow it up with:

”That sound fun! What was it like? Did you like it? Was it your first time? Are you going back this year?”

#2 Use ”outside focus”

Now this one I learned in therapy for my anxiety but it might just work for you too!

”Outside focus” is an exercise where you turn your focus from inside where all your anxious thoughts are, to the physical surroundings around you outside your body

The way it works is you look around yourself and describe everything to yourself in your head. ”The floor is made of floor” ok Maybe not like that more like ”the floor is grey and plastic” ”there’s a hole in the white cieling” ”the Grass is green” ”that house is made of red bricks”

This may not seem like much but what it does is it relocates your focus by keeping your mind busy. If you feel like you can’t stop talking try describing your surroundings quietly in your head until you feel more in control

#3 Practice mindfullness and breathing

Nothing new or revolutionary here but good old breathing exercises really do help but only if you practice so don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work perfectly at once.

Practice breathing slowly in and out and when you discouver your mind wandering, don’t scold yourself but gently *note* the thought you were having and allow it to pass as you return your focus to your breathing.

I know it sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo but there’s a reason mindfullness is so popular and often used in CBT, it really has been one of the most important tools for me in managing my ADHD

Sorry of this post is a mess your question really stirred something in me (in a good way!) that made me really reflect on some things which is always healthy and interesting but it was a little difficult not going to lie. 😅😅

Thank you for your question and have a good day!💕✨🥰

#adhd #adhd blog #adhd post #adhd things #adhdblr #adhd asks #answering asks #thanks for the ask!#ask response #sorry i’m really bad at answering asks #posting schedual is nonexistant

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storiesforallfandoms · 3 years ago

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stuck with you ~ machine gun kelly

word count: 2102

request?: yes!

“Ooh how about an enemies to lovers fic where Colson and the reader get stuck in an elevator together please”

description: it’s hard to keep up a petty beef when you’re stuck in an elevator with your supposed sworn enemy

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing, claustrophobia, panic attack

masterlist (one, two)

I don’t even know how the fight between Colson and I ever started, but I knew it was extremely prevalent even though we were forced to go on tour together.

The first big gig my band and I had ever gotten was to go on a massive tour with a bunch of other popular and legendary alt rock acts. It was sort of like Warped Tour, but under a different name. We were touring with the likes of All Time Low, Sleeping With Sirens, Pierce the Veil, etc. We were relatively unknown, so to be given this opportunity was such a big deal for all of us.

My feud with Colson had started before that. Again, I have no idea how it started. I don’t know Colson even knew. All we knew was that we hated one another, or rather we thought that we did. So when the full line up for the tour was announced, and none other than Machine Gun Kelly was on the list, I instantly regretted my decision.

“You won’t even be in contact with him,” my drummer told me after we found out the lineup. “It’s a massive tour, we have our own bus, and the likeliness that you’ll run into him in the hotel or even backstage is so small.”

“You also need to get over this stupid fight,” my bassist added. “You guys barley know one another, how can you be in a feud?”

“That’s the thing, he barley knows me and he’s ragged on me in interviews. Do you realize how much that could effect the reputation of the band?”

“You won’t even run into him,” my drummer repeated. “Just remember that.”

Well, I wish he was right, because I happened to run into Colson on our first night.

The four of us were staying in one hotel room, and in true fashion of a band on their first big tour, we bought enough alcohol to make sure we wouldn’t remember anything the next morning. I offered to go grab ice from the floor above us so we could keep everything cold, and decided taking the elevator was the best idea. The minute the doors opened, I wished I had taken the stairs.

Colson raised an eyebrow at me, glancing down at the ice bucket in my hand.

“I didn’t realize the house keeping went to get ice for the rooms,” he said.

“That wasn’t even clever. You’re starting to fall off Colson,” I said. “I’ll just take the stairs.”

“The floor is literally just one up, it won’t kill us to be in an elevator together for five seconds.”

I glared at him as I realized he was right. I let out an exaggerated sigh and stepped into the elevator, making sure to put a lot of distance between the two of us. Colson hit the button for the next floor up and the elevator doors closed.

It didn’t move.

I looked over at Colson in confusion, wondering if he was also feeling what I was. The look on his face mirrored mine, which was enough to answer my question.

He hit the floor button again, although it was already lit up. Nothing happened. He hit it again, and again, then furiously started jabbing it repeatedly.

“Stop, that’s obviously not doing anything,” I said to him.

“What else am I supposed to do?” he asked.

“I don’t know, see if the doors will open?”

He pressed the button to make the doors open, but again there was nothing. He started jabbing that one too, which resulted in me snapping at him to stop again. He opened his mouth to retort, but before he could the elevator jolted suddenly and a loud alarm rang out.

“Oh fuck,” Colson breathed. “Must be stuck.”

“Wait like...like we’re stuck in here?” I asked.

“That’s what stuck means, yes.”

I felt panic starting to rise in me. I dropped the ice bucket and started clawing at the doors, hoping to somehow pull them open. Colson put a hand on my shoulder and pulled me away.

“Hey, that’s not gonna work!” he said. “For one, you’re literally the size of a toothpick, and two, if the elevator is stuck we can’t open the doors. We’ll just have to press the help button and wait for something to happen.”

My breathing became heavier and I started to hyperventilate. I pressed my back against the back of the elevator and slid down till I was sat on the floor. I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly. I closed my eyes and tried to come down from my panic attack before it even started, but I knew it was no use. The feeling of the confined space in the elevator was baring down on me, I needed to get out of there somehow.

Colson knelt next to me and put a hand on my arm. I looked up at him but I was having a hard time focusing because of how violently I was shaking. Through my somewhat blurry vision though I could see a concerned look on his face.

“Hey,” he said, this time softer than before, “look at me. Are you claustrophobic?”

I felt like I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded instead. Colson’s eyes widened and he quickly turned back to the help button. He started jabbing at it the way he had the other buttons earlier. I was panicking too much to really care at this point. I felt like I was going to throw up, which made it lucky that the ice bucket was right next to me I guess.

“I don’t know if anyone can hear us,” Colson called, “but we’re fucking stuck in an elevator and one of us is having a panic attack! Someone get us the fuck out of here!”

I buried my head in my knees, trying to calm myself down. I tried to imagine that I wasn’t stuck in an elevator, that I was back in my hotel room with my bandmates. Unfortunately I was too far into my panic attack to calm myself down that way. My only hope was getting out of the elevator.

Colson came to sit next to me. I could feel his body close and, even though we were constantly fighting, there was just something comforting about knowing he was there with me. We sat in silence for a little bit, besides the sounds of my hyperventilating. I felt Colson’s arm move next to me, then a gentle tap on my arm. When I raised my head he was holding his phone out to me, showing me a picture of a young girl.

“That’s my daughter,” he told me. “Her name is Casie. She’s my entire world.”

“She’s beautiful,” I said, my voice very shaky.

“I don’t know what I’d do without her,” he said. “Whenever I’m having a bad mental health day, or I’m having an anxiety attack, I just think about the next time I’ll be able to see her and it helps me to calm down.”

“I didn’t even know you had a daughter,” I admitted.

“We don’t know a lot about each other.”

I nodded. “I know, I say that all the time.”

He smirked at me. “You talk about me, huh?”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course I do. We hate each other, so naturally I have to talk shit about you all the time.”

His face softened then, which shocked me a little. I had never seen him look so...well...just nice. When I wasn’t looking at him through a haze of anger from our stupid feud, he really did look...handsome.

“I don’t hate you,” he said.

“What? Of course you do. You always say shit about me, you even mentioned me in one of your songs recently in a negative way.”

“Yeah, cause I thought you hated me.”

“I don’t hate you.”

And in that moment I realized that I really didn’t. My dislike towards Colson was purely under the idea that he hated me too. I thought that was the way I was supposed to feel towards him, not the way I actually felt.

“Wait,” I said, uncurling myself from the ball I was in. “Are you telling me we’ve been fighting and having this stupid feud...and we don’t even hate each other?”

Colson awkwardly chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I guess that’s exactly what happened.”

I tried to laugh too, but the elevator suddenly jolted again, which immediately brought back my panicked state. Colson wrapped his arms around me and held me against his chest, running his fingers through my hair and trying to calm me back down. Surprisingly, it worked at least a little bit.

“I’ve had a crush on you for a while, actually,” Colson admitted. When I looked up at him, even he seemed shocked by this. “I always thought you were beautiful and I wanted to get to meet you in person. But when all this fighting started, I tried to push those feelings aside and pretend like they never existed, but they’ve always been there. I think that’s why I’ve said some extra harsh things towards you, just to try and make myself believe that I really didn’t like you.”

The silence in the elevator was deafening. I pulled away from Colson to look up at him. He averted his gaze to his lap, refusing to look at me at all. I could see red creeping up his neck, embarrassment rising within him no doubt.

I had a brief moment of courage build within me, and I decided to act on it. I cupped Colson’s face in my hands and forced him to look up at me. Before I could lose my courage, I pressed my lips against his.

He hesitated at first, like he couldn’t believe this was happening, but it didn’t take him long to melt into the kiss. His hands found their way to my hips, holding them gently as our kiss became deeper and more passionate. With little effort, he lifted me from the floor onto his lap so that I was straddling him. I ran my hands through his messy blonde hair, curling my fingers into the stands at the back of his head and pulling slightly. The noise I earned from this was definitely a moan, although Colson was adamant that it wasn’t.

Before we could go much further, the elevator suddenly rattled back to life and started moving. When the doors opened again, I nearly sobbed with relief. The two of us quickly untangled from one another and stumbled out into the hallway. The air felt so fresh and my chest, which I hadn’t even realized was so tight, felt like it was opening again.

“Thank fuck,” I breathed. “I’m taking the fucking stairs.”

Colson chuckled. “Can I walk you down to your floor?”

“Aren’t you upstairs?”

“Yeah, like two floors above you I think. But I’d like to spend more time with you before we part ways.”

I smiled and agreed. We walked down the stairs together in silence, but it was a much more comfortable silence. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, and neither could Colson.

He walked me all the way to my hotel room door. We faced each other for another moment, just smiling at one another. It felt weird to not be fighting with him in that moment, but a good weird.

“I should get up to my room I guess,” he finally said. “I have to be up pretty early tomorrow for soundcheck.”

“Me too.”

“Maybe...we could meet up there and continue what we started in the elevator.”

Somehow my smile got even bigger. “Okay, I’d like that.”

He nodded, his face bright with excitement. He said goodnight and headed back towards the stairs. I leaned against my hotel room door, feeling like a lovesick teenager all over again.

That’s when I realized I wasn’t carrying the ice bucket. I had definitely left it in the elevator, but there was no way in hell I was going back for it. I was prepared to explain the entire story to my bandmates, who I was sure had heard the last of mine and Colson’s conversation through the door. I was expecting so many questions about why I was gone so long, why they had heard Colson outside with me, and why I was smiling like such an idiot.

But instead, they looked at me for a moment and my drummer asked, “Where’s the ice?”

#machine gun kelly #machine gun kelly imagine #machine gun kelly x reader #colson baker #colson baker imagine #colson baker x reader #mgk #estxx #imagine #one shot #request #fanfiction #fanfic #fandom

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atlabeth · 3 years ago

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everything happens for a reason part 5 - zuko x fem!reader

I can go anywhere I want, I can go anywhere just not home

part 4 | masterlist | part 6

a/n: this was hard to get going but once i got to the end the words just flowed. ive come to the conclusion that writing dialogue with katara is my favorite thing to do

warning(s): nightmare at the beginning, survivor's guilt from y/n, some internalized homophobia :-( but aside from that its mostly fluff

wc: 3.6k

chapter title comes from my tears ricochet by taylor swift!

She was trapped.

It was a prison of never ending hallways in some kind of infinite void, complete with the rank stench of death and an innate feeling of hopelessness.

Y/N knew this place. It had been the subject of her nightmares on countless occasions, because it was where she was supposed to be. She had no choice but to start down the pathway of cracked stone — she knew what awaited her, but it was the only way out. She had developed some sick sense of awareness in this nightmare and it didn’t do her any favors.

She began to walk hastily down the path, the itch of paranoia already plaguing the back of her mind. Countless times she had been here, and yet it never got better.

Before Y/N knew it, she had reached her unwanted destination. The first tangible thing in what felt like miles was a prison cell, and she pushed forward despite knowing what awaited her. It was the only way.

“It wasn’t the only way.”

She froze, inhaling sharply as the dreamscape seemed to pull her thoughts out of her mind, and she forced herself to take another step closer, the inhabitant of the cell now visible.

“You did this to me.”

It was her mother, but�� not quite her. Her voice strained and stiff, a gaunt appearance with cruel eyes, hunched over in a prison cell. Any sign of the woman Y/N knew her as was gone, and it was her fault. She was the reason Kura was gone — a mother’s ultimate sacrifice because her daughter was too stuck in her head.

“How could you do this to me?” she asked. “How could you be so selfish?”

Y/N tried to respond, but she couldn’t. It was no use anyway — her words would’ve come out in broken, pleading rambles to someone who couldn’t hear a thing. She knew it was fake, she knew this was a nightmare, but it still hurt all the same.

She had imagined her mother saying those words to her so many times they had found their way into her nightmares despite knowing that Kura would never utter a single syllable true to her fears. She had all but killed her mother, and instead of remembering her for what she had done for Y/N, she appeared in her nightmares.

She was a horrible daughter.

She heard footsteps and whirled around, instinctively taking a step back and wincing as her back slammed into the bars. A tall, dark figure creeped towards her and her breath caught in her throat — as it came into the light, she recognized him as the Fire Lord.

He chuckled coldly as he neared ever closer, the path he walked turning to flames behind him. Her eyes darted around for an escape only to find that everything was on fire. It was suffocating, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think, and when she turned to look for her mother she was gone. Everything was gone, her dark void now a prison of flames.

She turned around once more and Ozai was right in front of her, the fire in his hands glowing red hot and a cruel smile on his lips.

“Did you really think you could get away that easily?”

She shot up in her bed, a scream on the edge of her lips but just barely managing to hold it back. Ragged breaths were ripped from her chest, her eyes shooting around wildly as she attempted to find anything at all to ground her. It took a few minutes, but with repeated mantras of it was just a dream and you are safe, she was able to calm down.

She pulled her knees to her chest and exhaled long and deep before pulling herself out of bed. It seemed that her day was going to be starting much earlier than planned.

Four years had passed since her arrival at the Northern Water Tribe, but the nightmares never ceased. It didn’t matter how many times she told herself she had done the right thing, that it was what her mother wanted, that if she stayed she would’ve died — she was constantly haunted by her past actions and memories of the Fire Nation.

She hasn’t taken off the necklace since her mother gave it to her, no matter what she does. It’s almost become a part of her now — a memory of Kura and her selflessness that knew no bounds, as well as a grim reminder of what it cost to get her here.

The Northern Water Tribe itself held countless memories of her mother — after all, it was where she had spent the first eighteen years of her life. Her name was well known throughout the tribe with nobles and elders alike, and it amazed Y/N to no end the impact that her mother left everywhere she went. She loved hearing stories about her mother and what she was like as a child, but it was always bittersweet.

She always carried an inherent sense of guilt with her because of who she lived with — her mother hadn’t been lying when she said that the necklace would get them to help her. Kura’s parents still lived in the tribe, and they had taken Y/N in after she revealed who she was. They loved her unconditionally and never made her feel like a burden, but Y/N would be lying to herself if she didn’t think they blamed her for the fate that befell her mother.

After all, she did.

She had never told anyone the full story of why she ran though. It was one thing to leave her mother behind for certain death because of the Fire Lord’s rage, it was another thing to admit that it was wholly her fault because she had fallen for a prince.

Zuko.

Not a day went by where she didn’t think of him. She still held the hope that she would see him again someday, but in lieu of travel she turned to letters.

Y/N had a shelf full of unmailed letters addressed to both Zuko and her mother — it was a way to get out her emotions whenever she was feeling particularly homesick or hopeless, and it did help at first, but after four years it had become something born out of habit rather than necessity.

She still wrote them though — Y/N had learned to hold onto any form of hope she could muster up, no matter how small, and in this moment she needed some.

She opened her shelf and rifled through piles upon piles of letters, some finished, some hardly started, and some crumpled from fits of rage, and her breath caught in her throat when her fingers brushed something different. Y/N pulled the material out and nearly started crying right then and there.

It was an unbelievably simple patch of fabric, but it meant the world to her — something that she had bought during her last night with Zuko, and one of the only pieces of material to have survived her journey to the Northern Water Tribe. She was forced to sell the rest of the fabric she had brought with her in order to make some easy money while on the run, but she had kept this as a memento. She could almost be brought back to the final sunset they shared if she looked at it for long enough.

Y/N bit down hard on her lip to stop the tears and shoved it back into the drawer before closing it and leaving her room in a haste. Sometimes she wasn’t strong enough to handle the memories.

She made her way to the living room and let out a sigh of relief when she noticed the silence. Y/N had never told her grandparents about the nightmares, and right now she just needed some time to herself. Never before was she so thankful for her grandmother’s gossiping nature and her grandfather’s work than she was in the mornings where she just wanted to be alone.

She sat down on the floor, not even bothering to get a cushion, and stared at her hands. Once smooth and untouched by the world, they were now rough and calloused with wrapped bandages resting just below her wrist. Permanent memories of what it took to get here. The ever present reminder that nothing came without a cost.

This morning seemed to be one full of yearning for the past. Y/N tried to shake her feelings off and got up once more, contemplating some steamed sea prunes before deeming it fruitless. Her appetite was lacking after her trip down memory lane.

She walked back to her room and got dressed hastily then ran out the door, but not before plucking a gift from her shelf. Today marked the birthday of a certain princess, and Y/N had to go fast if she was going to get it to her before class.

She was immediately hit by the frigid air of the North, pulling her anorak tighter around her frame as she began to run to the canals — one could always find Princess Yue there in the mornings — doing her best to avoid anyone else walking.

Y/N saw Yue just about to board one of the boats and sped up, waving one of her arms as a signal. “Yue, wait!”

She turned and her face immediately brightened up at the sight of Y/N, raising her open palm so the boatman would hold up. “Y/N! Would you like to join me?”

She raised her eyebrows. “Really?”

Yue’s nod prompted a shrug as she dropped down carefully into the gondola, taking extra care not to drop her gift, and took a seat next to her friend.

“This is a nice surprise,” Yue smiled as the boatman began to waterbend, effectively moving their gondola through the canal. “But if I might ask, what brought you here so early?”

Y/N laughed, thinking her reason for coming here obvious. “It’s your birthday, princess! What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t come to wish you well in person?”

Her smile grew even brighter, the corners of her eyes creasing up in the way that made some kind of warmth blossom in Y/N’s chest. “Thank you! That’s so sweet — I’m especially honored that you woke up early just for me.”

“Of course.” Y/N brandished the gift she had been doing her best to hide, unable to do the same for her own smile. “And here’s your gift! I sewed it all myself.”

Yue gasped as she took the creation, giving it a slight squeeze and a thorough investigation before absolutely beaming. “You made me an otter penguin— oh, you know how much I love these!”

She wrapped Y/N in a tight hug before pulling away, but it was just long enough for the heat to rush to her cheeks. “Thank you so much, really. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

Y/N beamed at the praise and nodded, shifting a little in her seat. “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m glad you like it so much.”

The two girls grinned at each other then turned their gaze to the horizon, content to spend the rest of the ride together in comfortable silence.

Her friendship with the princess of the Northern Water Tribe was something that Y/N cherished with all her heart. She could confidently say that Princess Yue was her best friend, and she hoped it was a notion that Yue shared. As beautiful as she was kind, the princess always had a way of making her feel better on the hardest days — Yue was the only one who knew the whole truth of what happened in the Fire Nation, and she offered nothing but sympathy.

Y/N honestly didn’t know what she would do without Yue. She had been her rock during the whole process of getting situated in the tribe, always lending a helping hand when she stumbled in class or was completely oblivious to something in their culture, and she never made her feel stupid, or unwanted, or less-than for what she had come from.

The only thing that confused her about Yue was the feeling she got whenever Y/N was around her. The rushes of heat to her cheeks, the warmth blossoming in her chest, and the unusual happiness she felt anytime Yue smiled at her. The most peculiar of it all was the strange tug of jealousy any time a noble boy tried to flirt with the princess, and nothing but disinterest whenever they tried an angle on her instead.

She didn’t know what any of it meant, but she had the sneaking suspicion that it was wrong. So Y/N did the only thing she could and suppressed it.

Soon enough, though much to their chagrin, Y/N had to leave. After some exchanged hugs and one last wish of happy birthday, Y/N took off for her morning healing class. But as she hurried down the icy paths, she caught sight of the most peculiar thing.

A giant flying bison was being led through the canals with a team of waterbenders, three kids that couldn’t be any older than her on its back. One had an arrow on his head and sported orange and yellow robes, while the other two looked to be of Water Tribe descent.

Her interest was irrefutably piqued, but she didn’t have any more time to waste with gawking. So she began to run once again, apologies spilling from her lips as she maneuvered through the groups of people all just as awestruck by the strange arrival as she was. Y/N made a mental note to ask Yue about it later, but for now she was running very late to her healing class.

Sure enough, a few hours later, Y/N was able to get the answers she had been craving. She met up with Yue outside of the palace, and during a short walk, she learned that the boy was the Avatar. He had come to the Northern Water Tribe to master waterbending, and the two kids with him were his companions from the Southern Tribe — much to her excitement, the girl was a waterbender.

Needless to say, Y/N was even more enthusiastic than before, and Yue made her day by confirming that they would be coming to her birthday celebration that night as honored guests. She had already talked to her father about allowing Y/N to sit with her and he had said yes, which meant that she would get to meet him and his friends in person — it just served as a reminder that Y/N had no idea what she would do without Yue.

After what felt like hours of passing the time with lost games of Pai Sho against her grandfather and failed attempts at finishing her homework, it was finally time for the banquet. Once she arrived at the front of the palace she bid goodbye to her grandparents and went to find the seat that Yue had secured for her.

She settled down in the empty spot next to what she assumed was Yue’s — it was her birthday after all, so a dramatic entrance wasn’t out of the question — and nervously glanced at the three visitors, trying to figure out how to introduce herself.

Thankfully, she was saved when the girl met her eyes and waved, offering a friendly smile. “Hi! I’m Katara; this is my brother Sokka, and that’s Aang.” She gestured in their direction with her head when she said their names and they both smiled and gave her polite nods.

She returned the sentiment gratefully. “I’m Y/N— I’m one of Princess Yue’s friends. Welcome to the Northern Water Tribe!”

“Thanks!” Aang said. “We’re here to find a master so Katara and I can master waterbending.”

“Well, you’re in luck. Master Pakku is one of the best there is, and even though he’s a total jerk, he’ll be able to teach you everything you need to know. And Katara, we have some amazing healing teachers— I can bring you along to my class tomorrow if you’re interested!”

Katara’s eyes lit up. “You’re a waterbender too?” When Y/N nodded, her smile grew even bigger, though slightly wistful.

“I’d really appreciate that,” she admitted, though her brows knit together. “But I’d like to learn from Master Pakku as well.”

Y/N frowned, about to correct her, when the distinct sound of drums began to echo throughout the hall. Her displeasure immediately disappeared as she grinned at them all excitedly, gesturing with her head towards the action.

Chief Arnook stood up from his spot and their table, his low voice booming. “Tonight, we celebrate the arrival of our brother and sister from the Southern Tribe. And they have brought with them someone very special, someone whom many of us believed disappeared from the world until now… the Avatar!”

Y/N’s own applause joined a symphony of others clapping and cheering as Aang waved bashfully, and once it died down, Arnook continued. “We also celebrate my daughter’s sixteenth birthday. Princess Yue is now of marrying age!”

She grinned as Yue walked out alongside her attendants — she would never get used to her beauty. Y/N noticed the way that Sokka’s eyes widened as he stared at her, and her stomach twisted at the act for some unknown reason.

“Thank you, Father,” she said. “May the great Ocean and Moon Spirits watch over us during these troubled times!”

Arnook smiled at his daughter and directed his attention back to his people. “Now, Master Pakku and his students will perform!”

She could tell that Katara and Aang were enraptured by the bending, while Sokka’s attention was already on Yue as she walked over to sit between Sokka and Y/N.

“I’m so glad you could make it!” Yue exclaimed, greeting her friend with a short embrace.

Y/N gave her a sideways smile. “If you think that I would miss your birthday and a banquet, then I’m afraid you’re out of practice on Y/N trivia.”

The princess laughed and nodded amiably then turned her attention to Sokka, ever the diplomat.

“Hi there,” he grinned. “Sokka, Southern Water Tribe.”

Yue returned the sentiment and gave him a slight bow. “Very nice to meet you.”

As their conversation went on, Y/N found herself tuning out a bit. For whatever reason, she had to actively stop herself from rolling her eyes at Sokka’s flirting, that same feeling in her stomach coming back. She made a mental note to see a healer about her issues.

“Hey, Y/N!” She snapped out of her self-imposed trance at the sound of Katara calling her name as she gestured for her to come over. It looked like Aang had gotten up to converse with Master Pakku and Chief Arnook, so she took the invitation and switched seats.

“I can’t tell you how nice it is to finally be here,” Katara said once Y/N had settled next to her. “Back home, I’m the only waterbender. Here… it’s like paradise. It almost feels too good to be true. I mean, even seeing you is crazy — I’ve never met a waterbender my age.”

Y/N smiled, though not without a hint of sadness. “I’m sorry that it’s taken so long for you to be able to experience this. How are you the only bender left down there?”

Katara was silent for a moment, a flurry of emotions warring on her face, before she answered. “The Southern Tribe hasn’t fared half as well as the Northern Tribe during the war. We don’t have one big, huge capital like this, we’re all split up into small villages. The Fire Nation has just been relentless with their raids, and without support from the North and a lack of communication between our sister tribes in the South, they were able to wipe us all out. Except for me.”

“Spirits, Katara…” Y/N set an amiable hand on her shoulder and squeezed, hoping that her softened expression could say what her words couldn’t. “My village was invaded when I was young, too. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.”

She nodded pensively but managed to meet her eyes with an appreciative smile. “Thank you. I’m sorry about your village as well.” Her gaze drifted off, once again taking in the view around them, and when Katara met her eyes again she seemed better. “But we’re here now, and I’m planning to take advantage of everything I can, starting with all this food. Which one of these is your favorite?”

Y/N grinned as Katara pointed at the platter of various dishes in front of them. “Oh, you’ve got to try this. See that giant crab up there? That’s what this is, and you have not lived until you have tried Northern crab.”

Conversation flowed just as easily through the rest of the night between the two girls, occasionally switching to include Sokka and Yue and eventually Aang once he returned. Between the swells of pride whenever they laughed at her jokes, getting to learn about all three of them, and the almost palpable euphoria in the air, Y/N was sure of one thing:

This was the happiest she had felt in a long time. She could only hope it would last.

perm tag list: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77

ehfar: @chandies-sideblog @persica27 @anzanity @randomthingssss @escapingthoughtsandsecrets @shanksfav @shephard17895

atla: @marianne1806

#zuko x reader #zuko x you #zuko x y/n #zuko fic #zuko x reader fic #zuko #avatar #atla #avatar the last airbender #atla fic #avatar fic #reader insert #avatar x reader #sadie writes #ehfar #y/n is having bi panic when she doesn't even know wtf the fuck bi is #she can't help it that her friend is the prettiest girl in the world

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kaebedom-me · 3 years ago

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You ask and you shall receive lmao

Can I request nsfw poly!Ch💙ya with childe and Kaeya both being mermaids. Reader being male or gn, whichever is easier for you. If this is too specific or you have any like questions or smth, just DM me!

if nobody got me in my inbox, at least i can count on tumblr user 0 miles away [crying emoji]

forgive me, if i ever seem like im repeating myself a lot because i forget what i've written but here goes!

they're mermaids from different waters,,,

childe's from the colder or freezing regions of waters since he's from snezhnaya

kaeya's from the abyss waters. he'd be the most beautiful most fucking terrifying mermaid you've ever seen because he comes from the really deep seas. so yes, his fins look like those nightmare-ish deep sea creatures

hhh FUCK it's so scary and sharp and long!! but when the moonlight hits it juuust right, his tail looks like the night sky and it's so pretty it could bring you to tears

kaeya's tail is so long, much longer than childe's but childe's is stronger and faster

mermaids from the snezhnaya waters are known for their strength and speed but since childe enjoys fighting and all he's extra stronks

kaeya moves slower, isn't as strong but that's ok because he usually blinds prey with his beauty. that and i also feel like he can paralyse and poison his preys

if you could leisurely explore the deep sea, you still wouldnt be able to see kaeya a lot because he hides himself away from other creatures, if he needs to hunt, his tail would be out and that's pretty much all you'd see

so people think he's a serpent or a really long kind of creature

childe hunts with his bare teeth and hands lmao why use weapons and be classy when you can tear thru your prey amirite

childe is friends with kaeya because one time he swam down so deep he happens across kaeya who was chilling out of his hiding spot for once

hh I'll do your request before i get carried away because hdsdfdh chxxya???? MERMAIDS?????

i think childe is a little bit like Ariel, curious about humans (curious to see if he can fight them) (spoilers: yes and he'd win)

kaeya's more indifferent to them. they're not particularly fascinating creatures, nor are they nutritious to him. they don't offer him anything but he won't harm them

so i like to think childe's the one that introduces you to kaeya

it takes forever to convince kaeya because kaeya doesn't care for humans shdffdfh

but when he does meet you, he enjoys your company :)

i was never a monster fucker but something about kaeya and childe just,,,,,, [eyes emoji]

so anyway it doesn't matter your gender, i just want you to know that being in a sexual poly relationship with them can be summed up as "Too Many Dicks"

they each have two like sharks :)

childe's is thicker and sturdier but kaeya's longer :)

that's four fucking dicks dude tf

there's also a lot of tail, there's only two but because kaeya's so long it feels like a lot

kaeya wrapping his tail around you while he's fucking you [eyes emoji]

for my breeding kink fans out there, i like to think when they ejaculate it's like a slimy substance but when they want to breed they'd pump eggs into you for you to incubate

they're also bigger,,,,

cuz my size kink said so. they're bigger, not quite foul legacy big but they're almost as big as a shark uwu

this is MY AU I DO WHAT I WANT

but right, poly relationship

being in a relationship with two mermaids is sometimes a struggle since not being able to breathe underwater and all but that's ok because they can come hang with you on the shore

reverse little mermaid where you become a mermaid at the end because you love they [bottom emoji]

oooo but say you're a marine biologist or a marine researcher or someone that just likes the sea and is around the sea a lot, so you'd stay near the water so they can come visit you whenever they want

sometimes they take you away to nice caves so they can cuddle you and not be seen by other humans

childe likes to bring you things that he finds, like pearls or pretty shells

kaeya told him specifically to bring those because otherwise childe will 1000% bring you dead fish that has a bite out of it because he hunted it just for you LMAO

if you like seafood though it wouldn't be a problem

kaeya once he warms up to you is the clingiest mother fucker, he will not let you have alone time, he constantly has his tail around you so he can steal your body heat

since he's down in the depths a lot, heat sources are lesser to come by, so when you become his, you also unintentionally signed up to be his personal heater HAHAHAH

he's not cold he just enjoys feeling your warmth

but lmao since they're mermaids they don't know about human mating, you'd have to teach them

imagine very scary very intimidating mermen learning about foreplay and aftercare

luckily for you, they're perceptive and learn quick

also they care a lot for you uwu

imagine stripping for the first time, and they ask you why you only have 1 penis, where do they go?, isn't mating specifically for breeding? humans do this for fun?

childe gets addicted to sex after the first few times because you opened his eyes to something for pleasurable

he tells you after the first time y'all had sex, "I understand dolphins now" HAHHAHAHAH

kaeya's a little reluctant at first because just why? but he too lowkey gets addicted to sex uwu

but generally, it's a very sweet relationship, they try their best to take care of you

childe's usually very eager to bring you to cool places he's been so he can show you cool stuff

and kaeya just likes to be in your company

#can you tell this and bikes are my favourite things #sorry it's a bit general i just got carried away with the world building lMAO #you're free to ask for more!#you're also free!!!! to give me your headcanons and ideas!!!#0 miles away #shanna writes #childe x reader x kaeya #kaeya x reader #childe x reader #a little bit spicy

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filterjeons · 4 years ago

Text

only you | kth

✦ pairing: kim taehyung x reader

✦ summary: you didn’t like getting jealous but it was hard not to, especially since taehyung is the man of every girl’s dreams. luckily, he convinces you that he has his eyes for only you

✦ rating: M, not suitable for minors

✦ genre: smut

✦ word count: 10.4k

✦ warnings: hard dom!tae, dirty talk, rough sex, degradation, spanking w paddle, orgasm denial, usage of toys (vibrator and anal beads), oral (m and f receiving), handcuffs, daddy kink, sadism/masochism, cumplay??, hand kink, aftercare 🥰, poor y/n acting bratty 😔, slight slight angst (nearly non-existent), yeri and joy being my spirit animals, and cute ending <3 (tf was that warnings list….n e ways)

You scoff at your boyfriend talking excitedly with your co-worker Irene about an art museum that opened up downtown. As you swirl your straw into the whipped cream of your strawberry milkshake, you mentally kick yourself at your look for a hang-out with your friends. The light blue dress was no match for Irene’s more mature pantsuit which suited her body well. What’s worse was you wore your iconic pigtails, instantly making you look like a child compared to everyone else’s more sophisticated clothes. Even Taehyung, who was just wearing a black T-shirt that fits his form well and beige pants, looked ten times better than you.

You typically have a lot of self-confidence because after years of being bullied for looking like an elementary schooler, you didn’t have time to mope about yourself and you slowly started to not care anymore but today you feel it all goes down the drain.

“I think Van Gogh’s art is one of my favorites because…” you drown out their conversation and place your head on your hands with annoyance etched all over your face.

“What’s wrong, Y/N~?” Yeri teases, shaking you affectionately. You only grunt in response, which made your close friend giggle. “Is it that time of the month again?” You nod (although it was a lie) as you keep staring at Taehyung and Irene, feeling your stomach do somersaults whenever you see them laugh. Although Taehyung had an intimidating demeanor, he was very sweet and made friends easily. Good for him, since he could make friends with the entire town if he tried. Unfortunately for you, he was prone to many girls being drawn to him like a moth to light and constantly asking for his number, only to give you looks of disgust once they found out that you were his girlfriend.

Why is he dating some girl who looks like a high school freshman?

Are you sure she’s 20? She looks like a 14 year old!

You absolutely hated that you were treated as a child. The looks you received whenever you walked down the street with Tae already made you feel uncomfortable. You knew you were never good enough and you were terrified that he’ll leave you for someone else, causing your jealous tendencies to kick in. There were plenty of fish in the sea and yet he chose you. You were surprised that he hasn’t broken up with you for your much hotter senior Irene.

Irene and you just strictly had a professional relationship, especially since she was above you in the workplace, and the only person she had a crush on is Kang Seulgi, the founder of a local dance studio near the building where you work. After your work shifts, you would sometimes stop by and watch kids train to be artists, reminding you of the dreams you once had when you were young.

Although you would give anything to be on a stage performing for millions of fans, you were content with your job as a fashion designer and be with your boyfriend who’s such a big flirt.

“Did anyone tell you that you look like a 6th grader because you’re short and have no boobs?” your other friend Joy cackles, finding your annoyed reactions a source of comedy. Yeri chimes in with the harassment as they continuously made fun of your stature. You immediately throw French fries from Taehyung’s plate at them, embarrassment and anger bubbling inside you from the all-too-familiar teasing. It was different because you were close to Joy and Yeri but it still hurts as they were much more beautiful than you. You couldn’t compare to any of the sexier and mature girls and you didn’t like that way.

“Aww, don’t say that! She’s still very gorgeous to me and trust me, her boobs are nice,” Taehyung smiled, placing your head on your shoulder. You relished in his praise before realizing that you were mad at him as you immediately pull your head up and look away from him. He looks back at you with confusion on why you were acting that way. Maybe something happened at work or you’re just having a bad day, but he wants to help you in the best way that he can.

“TMI, man!” Yeri gagged dramatically, Joy following suit as they started to goof around. You would join them but you were still upset. Irene liked girls and Taehyung only had eyes for you so why were you so jealous? Despite your constant second-guessing, your heart was set that you were mad at him, even though the reason was extremely childish. Irene softly chuckled at you three before turning Taehyung’s attention back on her.

“So, would you like to go to the museum with me sometime?” Irene asked calmly, somehow acting like nothing’s going on. Your insides were fuming, knowing that he’ll say yes because of how sweet he was. You grip Taehyung’s hand, trying to signal him to refuse but when his head bobbed up and down, you knew it was no use.

“Yeah sure, let me know what time you’d like to go!” he smiled politely to which Irene returned the same

Oh no he didn’t. Not only will the town gossip think that your boyfriend dumped you for Irene but what if he starts to have feelings for her and throw you away? If there was one thing you loved the most in the world, it was Taehyung and you just weren’t ready to let him go.

You’re acting so stupid. It’s just a normal friendly hangout- Despite your head’s protest, you got up dramatically and glared at the two of them.

“Uh y’know what, I’m going to go home now. Irene, I’ll email you the designs for the future lineup and Taehyung, I hope you have fun hanging out at the museum or whatever. If you ever need me, I’ll be in my room by myself and I don’t want you near me,” you spat, immediately getting up and storming out of the diner. You knew you were acting extremely immature and some part of you regret it but how come he doesn’t like it when you interact with your guy friends but it doesn’t work the other way around?

“Y/N sweetie-” he tried to go after you but you were already out of the door. He sighed with frustration, annoyed that he didn’t get to explain his side.

“I think we should cancel since your girlfriend’s upset. I’m sorry, it was wrong for me to ask you to hang out and I know that we see each other as friends only. I just wanted to ask you because I was thinking about taking Seulgi there and she really likes art plus I figured Y/N would enjoy that kind of date,” Irene sighed, regret forming in her eyes.

“It’s okay, it’s not your fault. I’ll talk to her, she’ll understand once she hears the full story.” Taehyung bids the girls farewell and runs after you. Irene gives him a nod as Joy and Yeri sit uncomfortably.

“Well, who’s gonna pay the bill?” Yeri shrugged and all eyes were immediately on Irene, who only replied with an eye roll.

You refused to come out of your room for the rest of the day, still holding onto that grudge. Taehyung was getting annoyed at your lack of communication, he initially tried to get in by baking your favorite cookies but you didn't budge. You didn’t like ignoring Taehyung as well and you would rather be in his arms instead of sewing dresses for work but your petty heart didn’t want to let go.

You tried reasoning with yourself but once you’re set on something, you can’t get yourself to go the other way. As you stitch pieces of fabric together, the temptation grows even more.

Eventually, you couldn’t be cooped up in your room forever so as you sneakily made your way down to your kitchen to get some of Taehyung’s cookies (although he didn’t know how to put on an apron, he was an amazing baker), you felt a pair of arms wrap around your waist and his body behind yours. You gasped at the shock as his low chuckle vibrated against your back.

“Got you baby!” he grinned, hugging you tightly. You wanted to melt yourself into his embrace and beg for his forgiveness but a part of you wanted to prolong the chase and continue to be a brat because inside that sweetheart is a scary hard dom, and you wanted to see him turn aggressive. His duality always kills you and as much as you love being sweet and soft with him, his dominant aura is always your favorite.

“Leave me alone,” you grumbled, trying to push him off but he still kept on, even when you’re trying to go back to your room.

“I’m not going to let you go~,” he said in a sing-song voice, clinging onto your back like a koala. You debated to yourself if you wanted to do this and on a whim, you did what would be one of the scariest things in your life.

“Leave me the fuck alone! Go away, I-” you growled, using your force to push him out and that’s when you immediately knew you fucked up.

“Go on, repeat those fucking words,” Taehyung’s voice suddenly dropped extremely low, thanks to him being a baritone as he turned your shoulders around to face him. His eyes were now filled with anger and lust and you felt sweat dripping down your back, you knew you were in trouble.

“I-I-” you couldn’t find the courage to talk, your heart was pounding against your chest and you knew that you can’t make a comeback so you immediately got into your submissive position on your knees, fear evident in your face.

“I’m sorry, Daddy! I-I didn’t mean it-” you blubbered, knowing that he’s not going to go easy on you tonight and you were terrified of what was to come.

Taehyung only scoffed and pulled you up, dragging you into your shared bedroom by your hair and manhandling you onto your bed on all fours. You felt your heartbeat a billion times faster and you tried sticking your ass out to feel him but to your dismay, there wasn’t his familiar warmth. He was on the other side of the room, going through the black box in his closet that kept all of your toys. You tried decorating it to at least make the outside look cute but it still looks intimidating inside and out.

“You’ve been such a brat today and it made Daddy so fucking angry. Now tell me baby girl, why am I mad at you?”

“U-um, I was jealous towards Irene, I was overreacting, I didn’t talk to you about it, and I was a meanie bitch and ignoring you.” “Do you wanna know why Irene asked me out that time? She wanted to go because she was thinking about taking Seulgi on her first date there and she asked me to visit it with her to see if you might be interested in going with me sometime. I assume you already know that Irene liked girls but you were jealous for what? Do you not believe me when I say I love you everyday?” You felt your heart drop to your chest as you started to cry with embarrassment and shame on how you acted. You definitely shouldn’t have stormed out without an explanation and here you are paying the price for it.

“I-I’m sor-” “I’m not accepting any apology from you tonight because it’s my turn to be mad. Don’t think you’re getting a break tonight because the only way to make up for what you did today is to take everything that I give you. Are you going to obey or be the naughty slut that you’re always are?” he suddenly appeared next to you and growled deep into your ear, nibbling your earlobe. You nodded quickly, your panties slowly becoming wet as butterflies started to fill your stomach.

He felt your panties underneath your dress and scoffed at the slick coming out. “Stupid fuckslut likes that? Of course she does because she’ll do anything just to get a cock stuffed inside her. What a shame, I thought you were a good girl but I guess I was wrong. You’re just a dumb little baby.” You mewled quietly at his degradation, his voice was cold and cruel but it was such a turn on.

“What’s the safe word, honey?” “S-star-” “Alright then, fifty slaps with no exceptions. Don’t think you can bargain with me baby because I’m not going any lower,” he snarled, tearing your flimsy panties off and massaging your ass cheeks to prepare you for what’s going to come, a small act of kindness in comparison to his terrifying aura. “Count bitch.”

You braced yourself for the sharp hit but instead of his familiar calloused hand, your ass was met with a harder sting that immediately turned your flesh red. You widen your eyes as you piece together what’s happening. Although Taehyung bought a paddle long ago, he never had any reason to use it but today was the day because of your bratty behavior.

After that slap, it was hard for you to talk due to how sudden the hit was. Tears were threatening to fall down your face as you tried to take in the spank.

“Did I fucking stutter? I said count,” he said sternly, hitting you again and snapping you out of your daze.

“O-oh, one!” you cried, your ass hurting from the force of the paddle. What’s worse is that it’s a wooden one, leaving your marks and bruises for the next day. Although it’s the weekend, you were sure that you’re not going to sit properly for a whole week. Then again, have you ever sat normally whenever Taehyung fucks you? Meanwhile, Taehyung is completely enjoying the red and purple bruises that are forming in your skin as he hits all of his frustration at your behavior to your ass. It sounds completely wrong but the way your body reacts to the paddle and your choked moans and whimpers of pain is just a turn on to him. He never knew he liked having you act like this until he put you in this position, giving him all of the control. His pants started to tighten as he thinks about you attempting to walk or sit down after he’s done with you.

You stifle in sobs as you called out numbers following the hits you received. Despite the absolute pain you felt, you could feel even more slick coming down your thighs as he continues to smack the back of your thighs and your ass. Even though a part of you is chiding you for finding some pleasure in being hurt like this, you liked the pain nonetheless.

Apparently, your arousal couldn’t be more obvious because as he reached the halfway point of his 50 spanks, he started to notice how wet your pussy was.

“Wow, you fucking slut, you seem to be enjoying this huh? Does it turn you on? Does being in pain get you off?” he mocked, your heart taking his words sensitively. You let out a shaky moan, nodding with pleasure flowing through your body.

“Well lucky for you because I like this as well. Honestly, I like it too much if I’m being completely honest.” You were shocked at his confession, trying to consume the fact that your sweetheart boyfriend actually liked hurting you. It was definitely a surprise but for some sick reason, it was such a turn on. Hey, maybe you two were truly meant for each other because you liked the pain that he gave you. However, that statement was a distraction from your current situation at hand. He started to slam the paddle faster, the pain hurting 10 times more and you swore that there will be splinters by tomorrow. You let out screams and higher-pitched moans from the impact, covering your face with your pillow to somehow relieve you from his actions.

“Did you want to piss me off? Were you that much of a horny bitch that you’ll do anything to have my big cock stuffed inside you? No, I don’t have to ask that because I know you do. You’re aching in that tight little pussy from my words, huh? Even though you’re lowkey scared of it, you’re getting wet from the spanking. Stupid little cockwhore.” You could nearly cum from his cruel words, his deep and raspy voice talking to you as if you’re inferior to him. You could barely form words now as you just drooled and babbled on the pillow.

He landed the last two hits on the back of your thighs and the top of your ass respectively. Just for the fun and pleasure for him, he gave you an additional slap with his hand and giggled at your sobs from the surprise.

“Jesus, that was so hot. I nearly jizzed in my pants thanks to you. Seeing you in pain is such a turn on,” Taehyung muttered, sitting next to you on the bed and facing you towards him. He mockingly pouted at your sniffling face, wiping away the tears that were splattered around your cheeks.

“Are you okay? Did I go too hard?” he asked with concern, a complete 180 from what he was before as he gave you small kisses on your face. You found it so sweet how as much as he likes punishing you, he still cares so much about your safety because he is your boyfriend after all. Although the spanking was intense, you weren’t in danger and everything was consented.

“Daddy...I’m okay,” you croaked, trying to nuzzle your face in the crook of your neck and although his eyes showed some warmth, his face turned expressionless after a minute of checking up on you.

“Did you learn your lesson yet?”

You knew that this was like child’s play to him and he can go longer. Even though you were kind of nervous, you wanted him to snap and show his scarier side. You shook your head in response to his question, starting to revert back to your bratty self. “Well, that was nothing. I don’t know if you can handle me but it didn’t work.” Taehyung obviously didn't believe you, judging from the look in your eyes and your quick movements that you were clearly affected by the spanking. He also knew that you were lying right out of your teeth and you want him to put you in your place. Obviously, it’s what he’s going to do. He’s going to make you learn your lesson no matter how much you’re going to act up because a fact that Kim Taehyung knows is that there’s no better brat-tamer than him.

“Hmm, I don’t think I can forgive you yet because you’re still lying like dumb little girls do when they want something. How sad, I guess you’re going to need more punishments until I get that attitude out of you,” he says, feigning disappointment in his tone.

You felt your heart dance at his words before realizing that he has more in mind than the spanking. You whimper at his words and he rolled his eyes at you, knowing how much you’re enjoying this.

All of a sudden, he ripped off your dress like it was nothing, the now ruined fabric fluttering lifelessly towards the ground. How was he able to tear it apart like that? Has he been working out?, you thought, especially since you swore that the dress was hard to tear. You whined at what he did, especially since it was a staple part of your wardrobe and one of your favorites. However, he didn’t care about your reactions as he easily snapped your bra into two pieces, throwing the destroyed material in some corner of the room.

A wave of embarrassment ran through your body at the fact that you were completely bare and he was still clothed. You tried to cover your chest but it was no use as he forcefully pulled your arms away, exposing your breasts to him.

“Your body is so beautiful, don’t be shy,” he crooned, playing with your nipples and flicking the sensitive bud. Taehyung’s face went up to your neck, kissing your sensitive spots and sucking on it to make hickeys. “But they’d look more gorgeous with my marks, huh?” You let out a shaky moan, already turned on by his ministrations and the ache between your legs growing worse but to your dismay, he ended there and got off of the bed. Disappointed at his sudden stop, you started to whine and thrash among the sheets but a sharp glare from him had you obey instantly.

“Stay there baby girl, you’re definitely not off the hook,” he sighed, walking back to the black box to retrieve some of the toys. You inhaled a shaky breath, nervous on what’s going to happen. You tried to peer behind his broad back to see what he picked up but you could only hear his sinister chuckle instead.

“D-daddy, what are we gonna be using?” you squeaked, hating the obvious fear in your voice because he knows that you’re nervous about what he’s going to do and use it to your advantage. Your boyfriend comes back and throws a bunch of toys on the bed, each one somehow being more intense than the previous. The handcuffs and vibrator were easily familiar to you as you’ve used them before but the last toy was what caught your attention the most.

Anal beads?! He’s absolutely insane!, you internally screamed, staring at him with wide eyes while he brought a bottle of strawberry lube on the nightstand. It wasn’t like you were scared of it or anything, it was just so surprising that he’s going to use it on you now. You’ve heard about them from Joy who said that although the feeling was strange at first, it felt good later on and you took her word in mind. Now that the toy was out in the open, it reminded you of when you saw it in the box while you were searching for your sewing kit and talked to Taehyung about it. While you both decided that you’ll wait a bit until there was a time where it’ll be used, you never thought it would happen now (but you sort of understand as you are getting punished now).

“Are you ready honey? Is this okay?” he asked gently, rubbing your back to calm you down. You nodded, slowly feeling your nerves go away after some reassurance.

“What about you? Do you think you’re ready?” you sassed back, the all-too familiar bratty attitude showing. “Oh, you wanna play that game? I’m just worried because you can barely take my dick but since you’ve been too naughty, you’re gonna take it like a good girl,” he teased, a blush forming in your cheeks as he settled you down on all fours. Compared to your height and Taehyung’s, he was obviously huge under his pants and although you liked getting dicked down until the next day, the aftermath is definitely not that pleasurable.

You instructed yourself to take deep breaths, bracing yourself for the toy.

“You ready, kitten?” he called out from behind and you nodded rapidly, wanting to get it over with as soon as possible. All of a sudden you felt the first bead ram inside you, making you feel sparks of pleasure. “That’s my good girl.”

Luckily, there were a total of three beads for a start since it was your first time but the first one already felt huge. Maybe it’s due to your inability to take big stuff well but you were terrified on the other two that are twice as big.

“O-oh my god...I-“ you gasped out, trying to accommodate the small sphere into your hole.

“Why are you acting like it’s too much for you? Come on, I know you can take more than that,” he chided playfully, lubing the second bead to insert it inside you.

“I-I- don’t know if I can!”

“Shh, you want Daddy to forgive you right? You’re my big girl, it’ll be alright.”

You let out a whine as the second was inserted, making you feel full already. Taehyung thumbs at your hole soothingly to try to make you less worried and to make the bead more comfortable in you.

He observes your state right now: your face red from the stimulation and smothered on the plush pillows, your body was bent to display your gaping hole, and your walls fluttering around the pink bead to accommodate the intrusion. Your position was just enough to make his pants feel increasingly tight and uncomfortable.

“Damn, you look so sexy,” he murmured, his praise making you feel good and embarrassed at the same time.

“One more sweetie, one more.” That was the sentence that had you in fear. Surely two beads was enough for you, it’s gonna be hard for you to take the full thing!

“Daddy, i-it’s too much! I don’t think I can handle it!” you cried but the pillow muffled your words.

“You got this, you’ve been a good girl so far,” Taehyung coos, tapping the end of the bead that was currently in you to tease you. With his praise in mind, you decided to go through it as you tried to spread your legs and push your ass out even more to make the last bead more comfortable in you.

Luckily, he was kind enough to add a large amount of lube to make it less painful while toying with the end of the previous one inside you.

You focused on relaxing yourself so that you’re not tense and reveled in his gentle motions against you. After one more, it’ll all be over, right?

“Good girl, you’ve been such a good girl for me. One more, okay?”

He slowly inserted the last bead, watching your hole attempt to expand and take it in. You let out a squeal, trying to fit it inside. Your boyfriend watches your fluttering walls straining around the pink toy as it stretches to fit it in alongside the other beads. Eventually, you made it fit with the aftermath of being completely plugged up in your behind.

“Hah~ oh, s-so big,” you moaned, trying so hard to fit the beads inside you. Your nerves were on fire, the toy giving you new sensations you never knew you could feel. It didn’t hurt but you felt full despite only being three spheres.

“That’s my good girl,” Taehyung sighed with content, tapping the end of the last bead to slowly push it inside you by centimeter.

“Daddy, it’s too much! I-I-I don’t think I can do it, it’s too big-“

With one quick motion, Taehyung flipped you on your back and you felt the beads push deeper in your hole, hitting your spots.

“Aww, my little slut can’t take it? Is she too sensitive? Such a little baby, you look so cute in this position, especially since you’re so sensitive!” Taehyung cooed as you let out broken moans due to the overwhelming pleasure. “You’re lucky that I’m not that mad as I was before. Keep those beads in you until I decide when I want to take them out.”

You nodded blankly, his words barely registering in your hazy mind. You didn’t know how much longer you can to, especially since Taehyung sounds like he wants to fuck you stupid.

“Hey, you okay?” he asked softly, waving a hand over your face. Quickly snapping out of your daze, you nodded and tried to snuggle up towards him. He laughed at the cute action, playing along with the simple moment until he brought out a pair of handcuffs in front of your face. Yup, you’re still in trouble, you sighed to yourself, forgetting about why he’s acting that way.

“It’s not the furry ones?” you pouted, blatantly swallowing at the hard metal.

“You’ve done too much to even think about getting the soft ones. It’s okay, you won’t feel the pain once I make you feel good.” Obediently, you brought out your wrists without him asking and he attached the cuffs within a second. Surprisingly, he gave you a kiss on the cheek and patted your head affectionately, your all-too familiar kind boyfriend emerging for a split-second.

“You’ve been a good girl so far, keep it up and maybe your punishment will end quickly,” he murmured, massaging your sides and spreading your legs apart. You felt him kiss the inside of your thighs and kitty-licking your slit, the teasing immediately turning you on even more.

“T-tae,” Although he was barely doing anything, you already felt even more sensitive especially with the anal beads inside you. You wanted to tug on his dark black locks, at least clutching onto a part of his body, but the handcuffs made it impossible to. It wasn’t even chained to the bed but it was no use fighting against it.

Taehyung could sense how impatient you were, your hips thrusting up uncontrollably to try to at least have some more movement inside your aching pussy. He chuckled to himself at how he made you instantly want him but since he’s in charge, he gets to decide whether or not to pleasure you.

“Shh, only patient little girls get what they want. What’s the magic word?”

Is he seriously doing this right now?, you thought but you immediately answered the question, desperate to at least have something. It must’ve been obvious how needy you’ve gotten because Taehyung’s long slender fingers were inserted in you with no warning.

You let out a shaky moan, your cunt immediately clenching around his fingers as he pushed them in and out at a quick pace. Your brain was completely fried as you couldn’t think or say anything except the feeling of euphoria you were in. Despite having his fingers inside you before, it felt more sensitive and pleasurable this time and you were ready to cum.

Unfortunately for you, he pulled his hand away from your needy pussy despite your attempts to trap it with your thighs. You started to whine and kick from the denial, upset that you didn’t get to finish.

“Calm down, we haven’t gotten to the real fun yet. You’ll be my good girl, right?” he said calmly, reaching over for the vibrator and inserting the batteries in. Normally, the pink toy didn’t have an effect on you because you used it numerous times while Tae was gone but for some reason, you felt nervous as if it was your first time using toys. You absolutely knew he was going to edge the hell out of you and although it was not that pleasurable for you, the build-up to your orgasm only for it to be cut away is a source of entertainment for him.

But since you’ve been consistently good ever since he put in the anal beads, you were hoping that he’d let you come this time.

You felt the head of the vibrator rub against your folds, the moisture slowly gathering onto the tip and the sheets. It was currently at the lowest speed and you were aching for it to be filled inside you. The buzzing of the toy was the only sound that rang out in the room and Taehyung didn’t say a word but his expression told you about what he’s going to do.

All of a sudden, he suddenly inserted the vibrator inside you, the sudden intrusion igniting a small fire inside your body as it tries to take in the sensation. Even though the feeling shouldn’t be completely new to you, you felt overly sensitive like it was your first time.

“T-tae, oh my god. I-i, oh...” you moaned lightly, wanting to feel a part of him but he prevented that from happening. Knowing the effect that he had on you, Taehyung slowly started to peel off his shirt due to the increasing temperature in the bedroom. With his tanned skin and toned stomach on display, the temptation of wanting to break free from the handcuffs was just too much.

“Da..daddy...please…”

“Yeah? Does it feel good? Are you glad you finally had something in that slutty cunt?” he taunted, turning the vibration up to the highest. The switch in level made you clench around the toy tightly, slick coming out of your system rapidly. He aimed the head to your clit, making the sensation feeling even better and getting you near your orgasm.

Your body felt like it was on fire as you didn’t know where to focus yourself on. Since Taehyung restricted you from grabbing onto something to settle yourself, it just felt like you were in a different headspace. The amount of pullings you did onto the handcuffs are going to leave marks on your wrists but honestly, it was the least of your concerns at this point.

He suddenly removes the wand from your clenching pussy, hovering it around your folds as you leave more slick from the slight movement the vibrator had on you despite not completely being inside you. Your juices were drenching onto the bedsheets and his hand and a part of you felt embarrassed but if Taehyung had no shame, neither then you.

“Do you want something inside you? Does your cute little pussy want to be filled up?” he said darkly, waving his long and slender fingers in front of your face. He absolutely knows how much you love his fingers, at least 3 of them filling you up well.

“Y-yes daddy, mmph, p-please fill me up with your long, oh god, fingers…” you purred, your eyes drooping from how much pleasure you’re receiving.

“Keep your eyes up babygirl, I want you to stare at me while I make you feel good.” Taehyung aligns the head against your clit again as he inserted one of his fingers inside. The action caused you to let out a small scream, your body starting to shake on how much he’s doing to you.

“T-Taehyung-” “Is that my name?” “I’m sorry, D-daddy! I-i-it’s so much, I don’t know if I can take it!” you whimpered, your juices coming out of you at an increasingly fast rate and your hands pathetically thrashing onto the restrains.

“Yeah? My little baby can take it, this is nothing isn’t it?” he smirks, adding two more fingers to completely stretch your walls out. You felt yourself jolt from the increased action, tears starting to form at the corner of your eyes.

“Da..daddy, shit, shit, oh, it’s so much, I, I,” you mewled, your body in cloud nine as you try to form sentences in your brain. Although you didn’t talk much, your moans and whimpers were music to his ears as Taehyung was satisfied with himself that he got you in this way.

“Aww, it’s too much? Too bad, you know you want more than a vibrator. I know you’re dying for me to pound this tiny little pussy with my big fat cock. You want to feel my dick deep inside your stomach and try to keep my cum inside you, huh? Do you want that, you little fucktoy?”

You didn’t know how he could read you like a book but it was what you wanted nonetheless. A flash of pink flew across the room before hitting against the wall, the identity being the vibrator that Taehyung was using on you a few minutes ago. Although you could still feel his fingers pump inside you, your clit was instead covered by his mouth.

“Ahh! Oh my god, oh my god! Daddy!” you shrieked, your attention being directed on him. He swirls the bud with the flat of his tongue and occasionally flicked it to help send you off. Surprisingly, his fingers were still moving as well and you felt them hit the spongy texture of your g-spot, your body reacting to the sensation sensitively.

You felt the all-too familiar knot in your stomach, signalling your orgasm. With the insane amount of pleasure, he would be too cruel to deny it. With your mind becoming absolutely hazy, the last thought you had was to finally release.

Unfortunately, your thoughts weren’t answered because after a few more pumps, he immediately pulled his fingers out and his mouth was nowhere to be found on your clit.

“Do you think I’m gonna let you cum? I don’t think so,” he mocked, sucking off the liquids and watching your body thrash against the bed from the denial.

“Wh-what? Why? Why?” you whined loudly, the build-up fading away and your mind was back to the present. Of course he wasn’t going to let you cum right away despite how good you were because it was still a punishment.

“Because I said so,” he stated in a matter-of-fact way, mesmerized at your body’s reactions.

“But I’ve been good! I obeyed when you put in the anal beads-” “That’s not enough though.”

“What the actual hell? You’re such a dick!” you muttered angrily, trying to catch yourself from the denial. Although it was pretty quiet, Taehyung’s ears picked it up and he was definitely not happy with what you said.

“What the fuck did you say?” he growled, placing himself next to you and choking your throat with just enough force that was typical whenever you were acting up. You gasped at the lack of oxygen as you tried to form an excuse.

“I-I’m sorry-” “Shut up. I thought I fucked the attitude out of you but I guess you still need to be taught a lesson. You’ve been using your bratty mouth too much, perhaps you’ll learn how to silence yourself with my cock inside it,” he snarled, standing up to remove his pants and boxers, the outline of his dick already making you hot and bothered.

Although you’ve been living with your boyfriend for a long time now, his dick size never fails to impress you. Unfortunately, it means that he’s not going to have mercy on you, especially since you pissed him off.

“I thought you were going to be a good girl but you just love acting up, do you? Do you like being a stupid slut? Did my little girl grow up to be a dumb brat?” he scoffed, pulling down his undergarments to reveal his huge cock, the tip hitting his belly button area before standing up proudly. You felt your mouth water at his size, wanting to take the whole thing inside you.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Are you going to obey like a good baby or are you going to keep on talking with that bratty little voice?” he snapped, taking you out of your gazing. You nodded obediently, not saying a word otherwise you would get in even more trouble. Taehyung stroked his cock for a bit, the pre-cum acting as lube to make it easier for you to swallow.

Once his tip was placed in front of your lips, you immediately opened and took his length inside you, trying to fit as much as you can. Normally, you could suck a good half but since you’re on thin ice from your behavior, he’s definitely going to make you take the whole thing. Hearing his low husky moans made you feel better, knowing that you’re at least doing it right.

You could feel him inch deeper inside you until you were nose deep between his balls. Taehyung’s head was thrown back and sweat was dripping down his face as his tip went past your gag reflex, the warm and wet sensation making the feeling extremely sensational.

“D-addy, do you want me to-” you garbled, trying to form words but they came out as mostly gibberish due to the amount in your throat.

“Choke on it, slut.” He starts to thrust forwards and backwards at a fast pace, one that you’re not accustomed to. Due to his length being too much for you to handle, you felt a long stream of tears flow down your cheeks as you try to hollow your throat to accommodate him.

“God, that feels so good. Finally my little baby is using her mouth for something good,” he grunts, placing his hands on your shoulders to thrust quicker. The low moans and growls he makes while you suck his dick turns you on, the all-too familiar ache between your legs building up again. “Do you like gagging on my cock baby girl?” You let out a nod which only made your breathing harder so you instructed yourself to breathe through your nose. Taehyung wasn’t looking empathetic for now as he smiled sadistically while chasing his own high.

With your face being near the base of his cock and your jaw slacked to attempt to take him and make it easier for you, you truly thought he was cruel for making you take him whole. Hearing your little gags and garbles starts to make him go faster as he thrusts in and out of your mouth at an inhuman-like pace while you try to suck on him better to get more of his reactions.

“God, you look so fucking hot like this. Your mouth feels so so good, I’m gonna cum,” he gasps, your little whimpers vibrating against the underside of his shaft. You felt a line of saliva flow down the corner of your mouth as your throat starts to close around his dick.

“Gonna cum, yeah fuck baby, I’m gonna cum,” he chants, his thrusts slowing down and after a loud moan of your name, his hot and sticky liquid spurted down your throat. You decided to take it down your throat, slowly sucking on it to clean his seed from his dick as he gently took it out from your mouth. With the length removed, you let out a deep gasp of breath as you struggled to breathe properly.

“Whoa, baby, are you okay?” he asked, patting your back gently in an attempt to help you breathe. After a few minutes of clearing your throat, you nodded while wincing from the ache from the back of your throat.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be okay,” you gasped, slowly breathing in and out.

“Good,” he beamed before turning back into his dominant self. However, instead of the coldness that he showed you before, his eyes are more playful and loving. “Did you learn your lesson?” You nodded weakly, cuddling your face against his chest. “I did, I’m extremely sorry Daddy! I didn’t mean to say that.” He pretended to think deeply as if he wanted to accept your apology or not. You prayed that he does because you’ve already been punished enough.

“It’s okay baby, I forgive you,” he smiled, his iconic box smile popping up on his sunshine-like face. “But know that I’ll always be yours, no matter what and I hope the same for you.” “Duh, now shut up and kiss me,” you snarked and although he rolled his eyes at your abrasive personality, he complied anyways.

“Hold on, let me take your toys off,” he sighed, unlocking the handcuffs and bending you over to remove the anal beads. You moan from the movement as you’ve gotten accustomed to the toy inside you. You watch intently as he carefully places them on the nightstand to disinfect later and carries you to the bed. “You ready for my dick, baby girl?” His tip was placed against your folds, teasing you slowly. You let out a shaky moan, wanting this just as much as he does. Taehyung took it as a yes as he slowly entered inside you, grunting from the inclusion. “Damn, you’ve gotten so much tighter, huh?” You just let out shaky moans and whimpers in response as you feel him completely enter you and fill you up. Your walls were fluttering around his length as you tried to take as much as him in, causing him to let out a low groan.

“Jesus fuck…” he grunted, as he immediately took his cock out, hovered it above your cunt, and slammed it inside you with such force. You let out a scream from the action, catching you off guard as you try to match up with his quick pace.

Like it was nothing, Taehyung snapped his hips quickly like it was child’s play as he fucks you deeper and harder, more intense than all of your previous rounds. He touches his bulge that’s deep inside your stomach, causing you to let out a whimper from his smirking face upon you.

“Yeah, does my little baby like being filled up and having my cock be deep inside her?” he asks while fucking you like no tomorrow.

“O-oh my god, yea, yes Daddy,” you purred, your half-droopy eyes interlocking with his, a simple but cherished action he likes during sex. It can be intense and a bit awkward at times, especially since he has a look that could make anyone fall on their knees on a normal day, but his dark starry eyes were to die for. After a minute, you look away with embarrassment but Taehyung cups your cheek and continues to stare for a moment longer.

“Don’t look away from me baby, I wish you can see how much your cute face looks while you’re getting your pussy pounded.” You were getting close to your orgasm again, your pussy clenching and fluttering around his dick. He could sense it too as he starts to pick up the pace and hit against your g-spot more often. “Shit, kitten, are you going to cum now? F-fuck yeah, cum for me now. I wanna see your cute face while you cream around my big dick.” His words were like the tipping point for you to orgasm as the knot that was building up finally lets out. You let out a scream as you felt your liquids gush around him, your mind having no thoughts in the world other than the feeling you have right now and your body is shaking violently from the pleasure. But instead of your usual intensity of an orgasm, you felt yourself squirt everywhere. Not only were your juices splattered onto your boyfriend’s cock but you felt the area around you feel drenched and some of them got onto Taehyung’s stomach and arms.

He stared at you with wide eyes and an open mouth as he started to thrust sloppily, chasing after his high as well due to the sight. “Fucking shit, you squirted all over me baby. Damn that was so hot.” You whimpered from the sensitivity as he continued, his grunts and moans increasing in volume. “Jesus fuck, holy shit, the things you do to me baby girl.” After letting out a guttural grunt, his dick started to inflate and shoot out thick loads of his seed into your battered cunt. Taehyung slowly exited himself out of you and flopped down on the bed next to you while pushing his long fingers inside to keep his cum in there. You let out a squeal from the intrusion as he slowly brought some of his load in front of your face and tapped on your lips, slightly coating them.

“Can I have them Daddy?” you whispered and he gave you a nod in response. Like there was no tomorrow, you immediately inserted his fingers into your mouth and wantonly sucked on them, savoring the salty taste of his cum. He raised an eyebrow at your behavior and pushed them deeper, the flat of his fingers feeling the back of your mouth. This caused you to gag, the action reminding you when you were sucking on his dick a while ago.

“O-okay baby that’s enough unless you want to go for another round, but I assume you’re too tired from that,” Taehyung laughed softly, slowly pulling them out to which you whined from the loss. “Are you okay, did I go too far? You did so well.” “Y-yeah, I’m okay,” you mumbled but he still wasn’t completely convinced. His duality always kills you but you were here for it anyways.

“No, I must’ve gone too far. At any moment, did you feel like you wanted to use the safe word? Remember that if-” “Taehyungie, you were okay! I’m okay and I didn’t want to use it. Besides, you were really hot dominating me like that,” you tried to assure him, rubbing his arms (which have gotten buffer) gently. “You took care of me well too.” “I’m glad to hear that! Hold on babe, I’m going to clean you up and get you some clothes.” He already left to go to the bathroom and during that, it gave you some time to think over your thoughts. Taehyung was truly a marvelous person: his looks were to die for, his personality was sweeter than honey but he can truly dominate someone the next second. You truly were thankful that he appeared in your life but a part of you didn’t understand why.

He comes out dressed in his old vintage T-shirts and shorts with another oversized T-shirt and a damp towel in his hands.

“Alright honey, can you lay down on your back for me? I must’ve made a mess.” “Dude, I literally squirted on not only you but the bed as well,” you dead-panned, causing him to laugh. He gently wiped the excess seed that laid on your inner thighs and the top of your private area before slipping a pair of your comfortable panties onto you. You quickly pulled on the shirt, the hem reaching the middle of your thighs and shyly gave him a hug (which was considerably rare for you to start them but with Taehyung, you would do it no matter what). He returned the hug back and laid you down on the bed with him cuddling you, being the big spoon within your relationship.

You like how his bigger body can easily make you feel warm and you could hear the sound of his heartbeat, the soft feeling making you drowsy.

“Do you want to sleep now, baby?” he rasps, rubbing the back of your neck and finding the particular spot where it was relieving for you. You nodded back in return as you turned over to face him, completely relishing his warm embrace.

“Can I ask you something, Y/N? I hope you don’t feel uncomfortable,” he asked slowly, breaking the silence that lingered around the room.

You nodded, slowly breaking out of his cuddle to face him with wide eyes. Although he didn’t want to break the hug either, he sat up to look at you as well.

“Y/N, you know that I’m dating you and when I date someone, my attention is on them and because I’m with you, I only see you. My eyes will always be looking at you, I breathe and bathe in your presence daily, and I’ll even shout out to the world that I love you if you ever asked me. I’m completely yours honey and I’m curious on why do you get so jealous whenever a woman talks to me? It might sound insensitive but today you acted different when I talked to Irene. Why is that?” You let out a ragged sigh, unsure if you truly want to tell Taehyung. Of course you knew that Taehyung loved you until the end of time and you obviously feel the same way, but that was the problem. You would completely drop everything just to be with him forever but is it possible for a man like him to agree to that? Taehyung was an obvious romantic and if he had to choose between the world and you, he would choose you but why? Why were you so special that he’s dating you? There were plenty of other fish in the sea but his eyes were set on you.

You were just another girl who’s trying to survive in the cutthroat fashion world, constantly thinking to yourself on how much of a disappointment you were. Being an idol was a dream you were dead-set on ever since you were a child but you were too chicken to go to an actual audition and spent the early stages of your adult life fighting with your mom to go on a fashion major: a second choice you didn’t really care for but it was a second choice nonetheless.

Taehyung was a successful photographer with many deals and collaborations from multiple people, some even for famous magazines. His visuals were good enough to even be a Gucci model! He’s good with children and elderly people, he’s an amazing baker, he can play the saxophone, and he could even sing! He shouldn’t be dating some girl who acts like a little kid and has a personality that is absolutely intolerable to most people.

“Taehyung, why are you dating me? If Irene asked you out on a date, would you go on it while you’re in a relationship with me?” “Of course not, I only have-” “But Irene’s ten times more gorgeous than me, it’s like comparing a swan to a baby duck! What kind of man would turn down a sexier woman for a toddler look alike?” you cried, your emotions showing out as you sobbed onto the comforter. He looked at you with sad eyes, rubbing your arms in an attempt to soothe you but your tears didn’t stop running.

“Taehyung, you’re literally every girl’s dream boyfriend! Yet you chose me out of all of those girls who I can’t compare to! Why?! I’m literally nothing compared to them; all of my life I’ve been bullied by my stature, my dreams didn’t come true, everyone thinks I’m annoying, and it fucking hurts to hear gossip from the people in this town on why I’m dating you! I’m just not good enough and I’ll never be-” Your ranting was stopped by a kiss, a romantic and passionate one. You started to whimper inside his mouth as he didn’t break away. His lips were quickly detached from yours to kiss away the tears that were slowly dripping down your face.

“Don’t say another word. I don’t understand why you don’t see yourself the same way I see you,” he said sternly, cupping your face gently.

“Wh-what? I’m not-” “Never say you’re not something because you’re such a beautiful, smart, funny, creative, and witty person. I know it’s hard to not compare yourself to other women but out of all of them, I only see you. Even though you hate that you’re short and you look young, I promise you it’s one of the things I love the most about you. You’re so cute and it makes me so happy whenever I’m cuddling you and I love taking care of you. And it’s okay if your dreams didn’t come true, everything happens for a reason and if you were an idol, would you’ve met me?” “Not really-” “Exactly, it’s like fate did something and we were always meant to be with each other! Besides, I have some friends who are idols and they absolutely hate it.” “Wow, Taehyung, way to make me feel better,” you said sarcastically, a low chuckle vibrating against you.

“Plus, I don’t find your personality annoying. It highlights you really well and I think it’s okay to have that kind of humor but if you act too bratty, I’m always there to punish you-” “God, you’re so perverted and this was supposed to be wholesome!” you barked, pushing him off while watching him with disgust as he tries to catch his breath from laughing too hard.

“Sorry, sorry, the main point is that I love you no matter what and I’ll always think, dream, and bathe in you. You’re my girl and it’s always going to be that way,” he said, giving you another kiss before pulling you back down on the bed and cuddling you again.

“Th-thank you Taehyung,” you said softly, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling yourself closer to his chest. It’s so warm and familiar, just the way you like it. You shift around until you’re more comfortable as you melt yourself into him. It was hard to not feel jealous of other girls but you felt better after talking it out and hearing his words.

“I love you,” he mumbled softly, slowly starting to fall asleep.

“I love you too.” You moved around for a bit but a sudden pain in your lower area stopped you from wiggling too much. Of course you forgot that you were getting railed a while ago and it’s now the aftermath.

“Yo Taehyung, why the fuck did you go hard on me? Now it hurts and I don’t think I can walk normally. Hell, I don’t think I can sit down because you spanked me as well!” you snapped, the all too familiar tsundere personality coming out.

He only had a smirk etched out on his face, pulling you close to stuff your face within his chest. “Sorry, I guess,” he replied sarcastically, chuckling on how you grumbled and complained in response.

“What does that mean, ‘I guess’? It’s always the doms with the biggest dicks.”

Your ringtone blasted across the room, waking you up from your comfortable and warm sleep with Taehyung. You grumbled to yourself as you groggily stared at the caller ID. Sure enough, it was Irene. Your heart dropped to your stomach as there was no other reason why she was calling you unless to fire you for your behavior at the diner yesterday.

“Hello?” you answer timidly, praying that you won’t get kicked out today.

“Hello, Y/N. I hope you’re having a lovely morning today.” “You too. Listen Irene, I’m really sorry on how I acted during the diner that time. It was extremely immature of me to have that attitude and not listen to your side of the story, I guess jealousy got the better of me. I-I promise there won’t be any more instances like this and I’m sorry for causing such inconvenience,” you rambled, sweat dripping down your back as your fate was determined on the other line.

Silence filled the room and you waited impatiently, tapping your fingers along the headboard of your bed. Suddenly, laughter rang out from Irene’s side and you sighed in a breath of relief that you’re off the hook.

“It’s okay, I completely understand why you acted that way and I apologize if it may seem like I’m making moves on your boyfriend. Although I would like it if you listened to my side, I’m hoping he did at least.” You stared at his sleeping figure and softly rubbed his bread-like cheeks with affection. “Y-yeah, he did. So, what did you want to call me about?” “Oh, do you know the dress designs that you submitted to me a few months ago?” Your mind went back to you staying overnight at the studio, scrapping pages and pages of different designs to find the perfect one to turn in. Although you were extremely proud, at that time Irene didn’t spend a second to even look at them which lowered your spirits.

“Yeah, what about them? Did I do something wrong?” “No, you didn’t. In fact they were really lovely and I’m sorry it took me a long time to review them. Actually, I really liked it so much that I turned it into some big name fashion companies and they are deciding to feature them in their latest runway for a fashion week.” Your eyes widened, shock filling your brain as you tried to comprehend what was going on. There was no way, the design that you spent hours perfecting was able to go on the runway?! You let out a high-pitched shriek, instantly waking up Taehyung as he slowly opened his eyes.

“Oh my god, thank you thank you thank you! I-I can’t believe this is happening!” you squealed, your excitement radiating the room like sunshine on a bright morning.

“You’re welcome honey, I hope you’re coming up with more designs to possibly submit in the future.” “Of course! Thank you so much, have a great day!” you grinned as the call ended. You started babbling to yourself while Taehyung watched you with admiration surrounding his face.

“Congratulations baby,” he grinned, giving you a kiss on your lips.

“Hey, how did you know?” “I heard you screaming ever since the phone rang.” “I mean, I guess you would’ve found out that way. Anyways I’m so excited and happy since this is such a huge opportunity for me! Also, thank you for the support and love you gave me last night,” you said, pecking his cheeks.

“Anytime baby girl. How about I make some of those fluffy pancakes you like for celebration,” he smiled, walking out of the bed and into the brown slippers you got him for his birthday once.

“Alright, I’ll be-” Unfortunately for you, your legs stopped working and you tumbled out of the bed. Taehyung only laughed at your fall before carrying you bridal style, much to your embarrassment.

“Thanks a lot Tae, you really ruined me last night,” you pouted as you made yourself comfortable in his arms.

“You know you love me right,” he cooed, flicking your cheeks which turned into an embarrassingly bright red. As much as you don’t show it that much, you’re definitely in love with him no matter what.

Just as Taehyung was about to head off for his photoshoot consisting of a beauty model, he slipped his hand underneath his drawer and beneath the ties hides a velvet red box. And inside the box was a wedding ring that was passed onto from generations of his family.

You have been dating him for a few years now and although you never admitted it, you were hoping that one day he’ll propose to you.

Taehyung smiled at the box before closing the drawer to head out his way. There was a legend throughout the Kim family that the ring fits the person who's the perfect wife for the son. The ring was quite small which meant most girls couldn’t fit it but since you have small hands, he checked the size of your fingers and it fit perfectly.

Many people would ask him why he would choose a short abrasive girl like you as his girlfriend and some may judge but frankly, he didn’t care about what everyone else thought.

Because he was lucky that destiny allowed him to be with you and the person that he set his mind and future on was only you.

a/n: this was initially a drabble but i liked the idea sm that i decided to write a whole ff on it lol. thanks for reading, i hope you enjoy and let me know what you think! <3

taglist: @cherrykocho, @knjkitten

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