#I feel like I constantly repeat myself whenever I get nice asks like this but it genuinely means the world to me

[coffiicorgii]

Seeing your dash on my art is such a joy everytime. :-]

(Just adding your second ask here cx!)

Ohh Anon that’s very sweet 💙 thank you! I’m glad my art brings a little happiness to someone else!

[simplyraeblue]

King and Captive

(Hunter and Hunted Spin-Off) read here

modern au a chance meeting with Sukuna quickly turns into a nightly routine you can't escape. as the lines between game and something more blur, you start to wonder—how long can you keep playing, or will Sukuna make you his next conquest? !Sukuna x !femreader

chapter warnings/tags: swearing, light suggestive themes, use of "princess", "she" pronoun used, a few more characters appear, Sukuna and reader are both hot for each other, a hot mess if you squint lol A/N: what does it say about me that my dreams are now occupied by this fic three chapters in? anywaaaaays, hope I did the guest appearances justice with their personalities (｡- .•) I try to remind myself this is a modern au and I can't just allow Sukuna to be too "King of Curses" like lol. index part two | part four

part three word count : 2,711

Sukuna had always thought that love wouldn’t be something he easily fell into. he was torn between the idea that no one would be right for him – or that he would never be right for anyone. last summer felt like it had proved the latter to be true, even though he knew why things ended up the way they did.

but now, you kept coming back. back to that bar every day, back to his thoughts constantly. he couldn’t stop thinking about you and the feelings he got whenever you were around. excitement, intrigue, and most of all, awe. you took his playful insults and dished them back tenfold – something he was growing used to enjoying.

and yet you were still flustered around him. and that made him even more thrilled. whenever he’d get your cheeks to flush, or your gaze averted from him, he counted it as a win, just because he got to see your expression change. and when it did, he could tell that slowly, but surely, you were falling as fast as he was.

despite your best efforts, you were. the idea that after work you could meet Sukuna at the bar made the day go by much faster. you were even finding yourself primping in the mirror before leaving. and god forbid, your dreams at night… filthy. and filled with him.

you had denied yourself long enough right? he was interested in you, wasn’t entirely crazy, and was very very attractive. maybe it was time to finally kick your vengeance act into gear – Sukuna was the perfect candidate.

imagine your surprise when you stepped out of work, expecting the usual walk around the corner to the bar, only to find Sukuna leaning casually against his motorcycle, waiting for you. the sight sent a shiver down your spine. he held the strap of his helmet loosely with two fingers, slung over his shoulder like he had all the time in the world. when his crimson eyes met yours, that wicked grin of his spread across his face.

“well, this is unexpected,” you said as you approached, arms crossed in mock suspicion. “escaping our bar again?”

“you said our bar,” Sukuna pointed out, clearly relishing the words as he repeated them, his grin widening. “I like the sound of that. has a nice ring to it.”

you rolled your eyes. “don’t get used to it.”

“too late,” he shot back smoothly, his gaze fixed on you with a glint of mischief. “but I had a better idea today. you up for a little adventure?”

you raised a brow, glancing at his bike. “this isn’t one of those adventures where I mysteriously disappear and end up on the evening news, is it?”

Sukuna chuckled, a low, rumbling sound that sent warmth curling in your chest. “damn, you caught on to step six of my evil master plan,” he said, smirking.

“step six? what happened to steps one through five?” you asked, playing along despite the butterflies in your stomach.

“oh, those are just the warm-up,” Sukuna replied, leaning closer, his voice dipping just enough to send a thrill through you. “but don’t worry, princess. you’ll enjoy this.”

you hesitated for just a moment before nodding. “fine. but if this so-called adventure involves anything sketchy, I’m out.”

Sukuna’s grin only widened as he handed you the spare helmet, the same one you’d worn the night before. “relax, you’re in good hands. now, hop on.”

you clung to him a little tighter on the ride than you wanted to admit, the warmth of his back and the cool wind rushing past making for a strange, intoxicating contrast.

when the bike finally slowed, you glanced up, expecting some scenic overlook or hole-in-the-wall restaurant. instead, Sukuna pulled into the lot of a sleek, modern building. neon lights illuminated the name of the business: Cursed Ink.

“a tattoo shop?” you asked, sliding off the bike as he steadied it on the kickstand.

“my tattoo shop,” Sukuna corrected, pride lacing his tone as he pulled off his helmet.

you followed him inside, the smell of antiseptic and faint hints of ink filling the air. “wow,” you murmured, your eyes drifting to a wall of framed photographs showcasing some of the shop’s best work. “this is… impressive.”

“told you I’m full of surprises,” Sukuna said, watching you with an expression that was almost unreadable. he gestured toward one of the tattoo stations, where a black chair sat beneath a lamp. “that’s my spot.”

your gaze followed his hand, taking in the neatly arranged inks, the well-worn sketchpad sitting off to the side. “so, what? you brought me here to show off?”

“maybe,” he said with a shrug, but his grin hinted at more. “or maybe I figured you’d like to see a different side of me. you’re always so quick to think you’ve got me figured out.”

you turned to him, crossing your arms. “and what side is this, exactly?”

“the real one,” he said simply. “you’ve seen me at the bar, running my mouth and messing with you. but this? this is what I do. it’s what I’m good at.”

there was something uncharacteristically earnest in his tone, and it caught you off guard. you glanced around again, your gaze lingering on the bold, intricate designs hanging on the walls. “did you do these?”

“most of them,” Sukuna said, his voice tinged with cockiness. “the others are from the team. they’re good, but…” he trailed off, his smirk returning. “let’s be honest. I’m better.”

you rolled your eyes, but you couldn’t help the small smile tugging at your lips. “of course you’d say that.”

“wanna see for yourself?” he challenged, stepping closer, his crimson eyes gleaming.

your pulse quickened as you caught the implication in his words. “what are you suggesting?”

“I’m saying,” Sukuna said, leaning against the counter, “if you’re feeling brave, I could give you a little something. something that’ll remind you of tonight.”

you hesitated, glancing at the tattoo chair, then back at Sukuna. the way his crimson eyes gleamed with challenge sent a rush of heat to your cheeks. “yeah, no,” you said firmly, crossing your arms. “I’m not letting you put a needle anywhere near me.”

Sukuna raised an eyebrow, clearly amused. “scared, princess?”

“scared?” you repeated with a scoff. “of you? hardly. but I’m not about to let you permanently mark me just because you feel like showing off.”

he chuckled, the sound low and rich as he leaned back against the counter, arms crossed in mock defeat. he planned to mark you one day alright, just not with ink. “your loss. you could’ve had something to remember me by.”

“oh, trust me,” you shot back, narrowing your eyes. “I think you’re already impossible to forget.”

his smirk widened at that, his gaze lingering on you just a little longer than necessary. “good,” he said simply, pushing off the counter and motioning for you to follow. “guess I’ll just have to show you around instead.”

you let out a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding and trailed behind him as he led you through the shop.

the place had more personality than you’d expected—walls lined with artwork, some of which you learned were Sukuna’s own designs.

“alright,” you admitted after he finished showing off a dragon piece that stretched across an entire back. “I’ll give you this—you’re good. like, really good.”

“finally, some recognition,” Sukuna teased, his grin smug. “I was starting to think you didn’t appreciate my talents.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” you replied, but the small smile tugging at your lips betrayed you.

suddenly, the bell at the front door chimed, signaling someone had entered the shop. you glanced at Sukuna, raising an eyebrow as his mouth tugged into an irritated frown.

“sounds like the rest of the clowns decided to show up,” he muttered, his tone dripping with exasperation.

“Suku! saw your bike out front!” called a cheerful male voice, loud enough to echo through the shop. Sukuna’s eyes rolled so hard you were surprised they didn’t get stuck.

“should I be worried about your friends?” you teased, but the grim look on Sukuna’s face made you half-wonder if it was a legitimate concern.

“they’re not friends,” Sukuna corrected, his irritation palpable. “they’re my partners. Suguru and Uraume. and along with them is Suguru’s best friend—who also happens to be the most annoying brat I’ve ever met—Satoru.”

right on cue, three figures appeared from around the corner. the first, Suguru Geto, was tall and composed, with long, sleek black hair tied back. next to him, Uraume stood with an air of quiet confidence. their sharp gaze darted between you and Sukuna, as if assessing the situation before speaking.

trailing behind was Satoru Gojo, whose striking white hair and smug grin made him an instant attention-grabber. he wore round sunglasses despite it being nighttime, and his energy was as loud and brash as his voice.

“well, well,” Satoru began, striding forward with his hands in his pockets. “what’s this? Sukuna actually entertaining a guest? didn’t know you had it in you, buddy.”

“shut the fuck up, Gojo,” Sukuna snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Suguru gave you a polite nod, his tone smooth as he said, “don’t mind him. Satoru’s personality is… an acquired taste.”

“hey asshole! I heard that!” Satoru chimed, leaning forward to get a closer look at you. “so, who’s this? did you finally manage to find someone who doesn’t hate your guts, Sukuna?”

your lips twitched at the jab, but you stayed quiet, letting Sukuna handle the chaos.

“that's none of your business,” Sukuna growled, stepping slightly in front of you as if to shield you from whatever nonsense was about to follow.

Uraume’s gaze lingered on you for a moment before they turned to Sukuna, their voice calm and neutral. “you didn’t tell us you had company tonight.”

“I don’t need to tell you everything, do I?” Sukuna shot back.

“you never do,” Uraume said, the faintest hint of a smirk gracing their lips.

Suguru chuckled under his breath before addressing you directly. “forgive the intrusion. I’m Suguru. and the loud one is Satoru.”

“I’m right here!” Satoru protested, waving dramatically.

“and this is Uraume,” Suguru continued, ignoring the interruption.

you nodded at each of them, feeling the weight of their scrutiny but refusing to let it show. “nice to meet you. I guess.”

Satoru grinned, leaning toward Sukuna with a mock whisper. “she’s feisty.”

“say one more thing, and I’ll kick you out myself,” Sukuna threatened, his patience clearly wearing thin.

the group laughed—well, mostly Satoru and Suguru—while Uraume merely shook their head, as if used to the chaos.

Suguru leaned casually against the counter, arms crossed, his gaze flickering between you and Sukuna. “didn’t peg you as the type to bring someone here, Sukuna. let me guess, you’ve been bragging about how you’re the best artist in the city?”

Sukuna smirked, his annoyance ebbing slightly. “don’t need to brag. everyone already knows.”

“yeah, yeah,” Satoru cut in, waving a hand dismissively before plopping himself onto one of the tattoo chairs. “but damn, what’s the deal? you’ve been dodging our calls, and now we find you playing tour guide?” he turned to you, grinning like a cheshire cat. “what kind of blackmail material do you have on him?”

you couldn’t help but snort at the absurdity. “I think he just likes tormenting me in person.”

Satoru laughed loudly, slapping the arm of the chair. “oh shit, she’s funny. I like her.”

Sukuna shot him a glare that could’ve withered a plant. “you’re testing my patience, Gojo.”

Uraume stepped forward, their tone as cool as ever. “should we expect you to actually focus on work tomorrow, or are you going to be… otherwise occupied?”

“I don’t report to you,” Sukuna snapped, his crimson eyes narrowing.

Suguru raised his hands in mock surrender, the picture of calm. “alright, alright, we’ll stop prying. but next time, maybe let us know when you’re busy, so we don’t interrupt your – ahem – quality time.”

Sukuna groaned, clearly regretting every life choice that led to this moment. “you’re all insufferable. I swear, one day—”

“yeah, yeah,” Satoru interrupted with a grin, spinning lazily in the chair. “one day you’ll kill us all. heard it a million fucking times. anyway,” he turned back to you, “you must be special if you’ve got the king of grump spending his evenings with you.”

you blinked, caught off guard by the shift in attention towards you again. before you could respond, Sukuna stepped in, his voice sharp. “she’s not here for your entertainment, Gojo. don’t you have some other poor soul to annoy?”

“not tonight,” Satoru replied cheerily, leaning back as if he owned the place.

Suguru gave you an apologetic glance, his expression softening. “he means well. most of the time.”

Uraume, meanwhile, was silent but observant, their gaze never straying far from you or Sukuna. you got the sense they were assessing something, but what, you couldn’t tell. their gaze made you feel… uneasy. like you were a specimen under a microscope.

“I think that’s enough,” Sukuna said suddenly, his tone leaving no room for argument. “you’ve seen me. I’m alive. now get lost.”

“aw, don’t be like that, Suku,” Satoru teased, standing and stretching dramatically. “we were just starting to have fun.”

“I’m serious,” Sukuna growled, his patience officially gone.

Suguru chuckled under his breath but relented, motioning for Satoru and Uraume to follow. “alright, we’ll leave you to it. but don’t think this means we’re done with you.”

Uraume cast Sukuna a long look before turning to you. “it was… interesting to meet you.”

“likewise,” you replied, though you weren’t entirely sure what to make of them. did they hate you already? did you have something on your face?

with that, the trio finally made their exit, the bell chiming once again as the door swung shut behind them.

the silence that followed was almost jarring. you turned to Sukuna, raising an eyebrow. “so… that’s your crew?”

“unfortunately,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair. “don’t let them scare you off. they’re more trouble than they’re worth.”

you smirked, leaning against the counter. “I don’t know. I kind of liked them.”

Sukuna groaned. “don’t encourage them. especially Gojo. that idiot doesn’t need more fuel for his damn ego.”

despite his grumbling, you could tell there was a begrudging fondness buried – deep – beneath the surface. it was strange, seeing Sukuna interact with people who clearly knew him so well, even if they drove him up the wall.

“alright, enough about them,” he said, his tone softening as he turned back to you. “where were we before the circus rolled in?”

you laughed softly. “something about me not letting you give me a tattoo?”

his lips curled into a smirk, the playful glint returning to his eyes. “right. you’re still a coward for that, by the way.”

“keep dreaming,” you shot back, but the warmth in his gaze made it hard to keep the smile off your face.

Sukuna leaned closer, his smirk sharp as ever, his voice dropping to a low rumble. “you know, you can’t avoid it forever. one day, you’ll let me leave my mark on you.”

“don’t count on it,” you replied, trying to sound defiant despite the way your heartbeat quickened.

“hmm,” he hummed, leaning back casually. “we’ll see.”

the tension hung in the air, thick and electric, before Sukuna finally grabbed his helmet and tossed it your way. you barely caught it, giving him a questioning look.

“come on,” he said, already heading for the door. “let’s get out of here, it’s getting late.”

you rolled your eyes but followed, the sound of the shop’s lights clicking off behind you.

as you climbed onto the back of his bike, your arms instinctively wrapped around his waist, the motion feeling almost second nature by now. it was startling how natural it felt—being this close to him, fitting into this unpredictable rhythm he’d drawn you into. a thought crept into your mind, frustratingly persistent: would you feel disappointed if he didn’t show up tomorrow?

the answer lingered in your chest, heavier than you expected.

⊹. ݁˖ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . taglist: @mangiswig@aldebrana@ravester@marie-is-in-the-dark@makingtimemine @sorahatake @osohchoso @csolya @clp-84 @chosokamoluvr . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ .

[bdafic]

How have you been?

I appreciate this -- it's very kind to ask. I'm putting the answer under a cut because it's an honest one, and I get that not everyone is comfy reading about more serious medical/health stuff.

Not great!

Some years back, I suffered a pretty significant brain hemorrhage that resulted in permanent damage. I had a smaller one about a year ago, and possibly another in the summer. This is all due to a genetic condition.

I made a good recovery, but part of that was (is) accepting that I will never go back to being the person I was. And that really fucking sucks. Among other things, my short-term memory, speaking, word-finding, reading, and short-term memory are all severely impacted. I am bursting with the desire to create, but much of the time it feels like my hands are bound and my mouth taped shut. Writing is something I was always pretty good at -- I've been doing it since childhood -- and it's demoralizing to see it ripped away so easily.

I would love to be more connected to fandom spaces, but it's hard to feel comfortable talking to people. It's embarrassing to repeat myself, forget shit, talk too much, mix up words, say things the wrong way... People on the internet are not known for extending grace and patience. What I miss the most is being able to read tons of other works and leave comments. Nowadays I have to use a voice reader, take notes, frequent breaks, constantly restart chapters, and potentially wait ages for another 'good' day. I genuinely get a lot of joy out of uplifting others, but it's deeply uncomfortable to do all of that and then spend the next week worrying that I still managed to mess it up somehow. I was already weird and autistic before any of this and let me tell you brain damage has not improved things!

Currently, I am awaiting surgery for a different thing relating to the same genetic condition. My body is not digesting food, and it causes a lot of pain. As a bonus, malnutrition also messes with your brain function. This, too, sucks.

(For the record, my wife has instructions on how to update this account if anything more permanent were to happen to me).

I think about my writing almost every day. I try to pick at my drafts whenever I can make my words work. It's cliché, but every time I get a comment or someone like you comes by and asks me a question, it feels very revitalizing. It tells me I was once capable of creating something that someone else thought was kinda neat. Maybe I still am. I'm fairly unknown in this fandom and very rarely get asks or a bunch of comments or anything, so every time an AO3 email comes in it is a genuinely wonderful surprise. The one perk of brain damage is that I may forget to archive the email and then get to experience that wonderful surprise several times over!

(If I have ever replied to a comment twice: I'm very sorry. I will do it again).

I hope this does not discourage anyone from leaving one, because I regularly go back and re-read them. They mean a lot to me, especially right now. I don't have anyone to talk to about Dragon Age and fic, and I am not comfortable with the people in my life knowing how many hundreds of hours I have spent thinking about elves having sex, so it's really nice to live in a world where I can gush with someone else for a moment.

Thanks for taking the time to ask.

[veryferaldistributions]

“My Two Dads” was Simply Ahead of its Time: A Short Essay by an Offspring of Same-Sex Parents

In 1987, the show “My Two Dads” premiered on NBC, staring Paul Reiser, Greg Evigan, Staci Keanan, and Florence Stanley. Nicole Bradford (Keanan) is a 12-year-old girl whose mother Marcy Bradford dies suddenly, and she is “willed” more or less to two men her mother was once in love with, Michael Taylor (Reiser) and Joey Harris (Evigan), who were lifelong friends before they fought over Nicole’s mother. Despite attempts at blood tests, the paternity of the child was never confirmed, and after a rocky start, Michael and Joey agree to live together and raise Nicole as a family.

What we have here is a simple, relatively family friendly, prime-time sitcom that shows a very positive interpretation of a kid with same-sex parents. And it is delightful.

I am speaking openly as a queer person raised by two mothers (now four w/step-moms). When I decided to try this, I was bracing myself for the absolute worst most offensive thing I’d ever seen.

And I swear to God, what I got instead is one of my new favorite shows of all time. The characters are lovable and well-rounded, the acting is great, the humor is actually funny, and, whether this was intentional or not, is one of the most progressive shows of its time.

I keep seeing people throwing around the word “homophobic” with this show, and I’m here to politely and firmly disagree with that. Instead, I will opt for the word “dated.” “My Two Dads” was still a product of its time, so I firmly believe many of the choices regarding Joey and Michael’s dating life were made to appease the censors. I never felt like any decision was made in malice to target the queer community. (Not to mention, I could/will make a whole LIST of reasons why Michael and Joey are 100% in love, if not an active couple, despite many attempts to convince the audience they are straight.)

I spent a good chunk of the show laughing to myself and saying “it’s like homosexuality doesn’t even exist in this universe” for how much NOBODY cares about Nicole having two dads or questioning why the dads live together. (Them being potentially gay is only questioned ONCE in the series.)

In the 90s and early 2000s, people never shut up with the questions once I told them I had two moms. I somewhat think this exclusion was also a writing tactic, not wanting Nicole to have to constantly repeat what the audience already knows.

There are jokes that haven’t aged amazingly well, but I feel like it was much more that the writers were ignorant as opposed to being active bigots.

I also really appreciated this show’s depiction of a kid who has a great and loving relationship with a parent she may not be or isn’t biologically related to. Nicole doesn’t care who her biological father is, and loves Joey and Michael equally. Again, as someone with two moms, I get really defensive over the notion that someone isn’t your real parent unless their DNA matches yours. (Side note, always say “biologically related to” as opposed to “REAL parent” whenever asking someone about their parentage. Please. It hurts every time.)

If I admittedly had one qualm about the show, I’d say it hasn’t aged amazing in terms of sexism. Throughout the whole show, it always felt like the women Michael and Joey dated were either complete jerks or bimbos. With the women they finally end up with being boring and rushed. And they also at one point have a female boss, and…it’s pretty bad. Nicole and Judge Margaret were great (Judge being my 2nd favorite character, behind Michael.), but other female characters not so much.

But overall, I really do love this show. It’s one of those really nice warm & fuzzy shows, too (Think “Full House” with slightly funnier writing. Yeah, I said it!). I really wish more queer viewers would try it.

[cyber-f4iry]

┊͙Stop checking the 3D for movement┊͙

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･intro

I’ve seen so many people complain about how they aren’t seeing their desires with their eyes but that doesn’t matter. As harsh as it sounds but you have to ignore the 3D reality and only focus on what you want. So that’s what this post is about.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･pt.1 Why it doesn’t matter

Everything you want exists! Which means you can have it. In fact it’s already yours but you cannot have it if your so focused on what the 3D is showing you. The 3D is nothing but your old thoughts and emotions. The 3D is ALWAYS changeable and you yourself can change that reality at any moment. You will never find what you are looking for(the money, the message, the sp, etc) by looking at the 3D.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･pt.2 How to ignore the 3D

Be delusional. Period point blank. Being delusional is going to get you what is yours. The 3D can show you whatever but you don’t tell yourself that. You always tell yourself what you want is yours. Command your mind to put you there

Take your time. When you are checking the 3D it becomes very hard to break. I had to learn how to stop doing this. One day I would check but the next day nope I would not even bother with the 3D put some sort of restriction on yourself. Until it’s literally no 3D check. Be nice with yourself but stern.

Persist! Persist! Persist! I know it’s hard but don’t trigger yourself like don’t be doing none of that extra stuff. It is yours end of discussion. Everything will work out for you.

Self concept. This matters so much. Think of it as do Gods constantly check for their magic? No so why should you? Why wouldn’t you be getting what you deserve? Why wouldn’t that money be depositing into your account? Why wouldn’t they be blowing up your phone just to talk to you? I have some affs on this as well here Remind yourself of who you are.

Whenever you get the urge to check the 3D ask yourself why. Why do you want to check for validation here? Is something bothering you to the point where you have to check? Make sure to take care of your own mental health. We don’t need to spiral so stop yourself. An affirmation that has helped me is “isn’t in wonderful” I would just repeat this to myself till I get out of the spiral because everything is wonderful in my reality. Get rid of anything that doesn’t make you feel good about yourself.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･pt.3 Conclusion

The 3D is nothing but the stuff you go through internally. So when you change that the 3D follows. Do not give up!! Remember to have your sZubconscious and conscious mind on the same page by being persistent and remembering who you are. This life is good to you. Remember that <3

; thank you for stopping

　 by~ [ :cyberf4iry: ]

[dollystuartwrites]

Stray Gods - Chapter 25

Pairing: Gods!OT8 x !F!Reader

Genre: romance, friends to lovers, polyamory, mystery, supernatural, angst, fluff, smut

Wordcount: 3497

Chapters:  [1] - [2] - [3] - [4] - [5] - [6] - [7] - [8] - [9] - [10] [11] -  [12] - [13] - [14] - [15] - [16] - [17] - [18] - [19] - [20] [21] - [22] - [23] - [24] - [25] - [26] - [27] - [28] - [29] - [30] -? MASTERLIST

Summary: With no memory of who you  were, you wake up in the woods, only to be found by eight unusually  handsome men. With no information of the past, the guys decide to take you in and take care of you for the time being. But that time becomes  years, and as time passes, you start to notice that there is something  different about them... and something different about you...

Warnings: angst, praise, thigh riding, kissing, fingering, overstimulation, lovebites, bad/miscommunication, low self-esteem, swearing, name-calling, dry humping, college, degradation, gods, special powers, vaginal sex, oral sex (f&m), mentions of contraception (condoms&thepill), injuries, mentions of death (but no character deaths), virgin!reader, teasing, daddy kink, orgasms, poly relationship, semi-public sex. I've probably forgotten some so let me know if I did and I will add more as the story progresses.

Taglist: @eastleighsblog @tangerminie​ @speedybagelmongerpasta

You felt like you were starting to develop a split personality. On one hand, there was the part of you which writhed and ached for more and more intimate relations with the boys, your head constantly wandering off and ending up in the gutter, fantasising about what might happen next and with whom. You didn’t feel ashamed about this anymore, but as it was still relatively new to you, the unfamiliarity of it made you feel slightly awkward. On the other hand, there was this calling, a gut feeling that repeated itself over again and again. You were not human. You were like them. But wherever it may be that was like them, you weren’t sure about. Whenever you were not daydreaming of laying in Changbin’s arms, kissing Han’s soft lips or cuddling with Jeongin, your mind would try to recall the dream that you had had. But it hadn't been a dream. If only you could grasp it…

‘You alright?’ Adam asked as the two of you walked through the corridor of the school towards the cafe to get lunch. 

‘Yeah, why?’ you said quickly, pulling your face into a smile. 

‘You’ve been quiet lately,’ Adam remarked. ‘Everything’s going alright?’ 

You smiled at him reassuringly.

‘Yeah, it’s just that my mind feels like it’s been kinda overloaded lately. I guess I just really need a vacation,’ you sighed. It wasn’t a lie. You really did feel like getting away for a bit would be nice and might help you clear your mind or even get some answers. Either way would be good with you.

‘Ugh, tell me about it,’ Adam sulked. ‘I can’t wait till exams are over and the break starts. I know it’s only like a week, but I need it so bad.’ 

‘Do you have any plans for your break?’ you asked, interested.

‘I do, actually,’ Adam replied, pulling an even grimmer face. ‘My parents have asked if my sister and Icould fly over to visit them. Honestly, I’d rather lock myself in my room for the entirety of the break, but I couldn’t turn them down,’ he spoke.

You clicked your tongue at his words.

‘Yeah, and what’s even more annoying is that by the time I get over my jetlag, it’ll be time to come back again. And then I’ll have to start the new semester with the new jetlag.’ Adam pulled a face like he was biting into an especially sour lemon. 

‘Shit, man, that sucks,’ you said empathetically.

‘Thanks,’ Adam sighed. ‘But what about you? Will you be going anywhere for the break?’ 

‘To be honest, I’ve never been on holiday,’ you replied. 

‘Seriously? Not even here in Korea? Camping? Overnight hotel?’ Adam asked in disbelief. But you shook your head at all his options. His incredulous face made you laugh. 

‘What about your parents? Won’t you visit them?’ Adam asked with a slight frown. You knew what he was thinking. You had purposely always avoided revealing too much about yourself. Never talking about your parents or anything. You weren’t sure before if you were ready to tell him the truth, or at least the “safe” truth. But as you had gotten to know him better, you decided Adam was a good friend, and he deserved to know.

‘Actually,’ you began as you sat down on one of the benches in the cafe that had a nice view of the awful weather outside, ‘I don’t have any parents.’

Adam blinked a few times as he sat down opposite you. You smiled calmly at him to let him know it was alright.

‘So, you know I live together with some guys, right?’ you said.

‘Guys? More like supermodels,’ Adam huffed incredulously, like the world had been unfair to him.

You chuckled.

‘Yes, well,’ you said, taking a breath, ‘They found me three years ago in the woods.’ 

You paused for a moment for Adam to take in your words, and with every second, the crease between his brows got deeper and deeper.

‘I actually don’t know where I come from. I don’t know who my parents are or what my real name is,’ you explained.

‘Holy shit… I’m…,’ Adam began. It was evident he wasn’t sure what to say. It seemed like he wanted to say he was sorry but was unsure  whether he shouldas he saw you smiling calmly at him. 

‘Did you get in an accident or something?’ Adam whispered, his voice lowering unconsciously in shock. 

You shrugged.

‘Maybe,’ you said simply. ‘All usual skills were intact, and I could read, write, talk, walk, count and knew all the standard school educated knowledge. I just don’t have any memories about myself before that time.’ 

‘Wow,’ Adam said silently, staring at you with big eyes. You waited, giving him time to ask the questions you knew he would have. 

‘Are you now- Don’t you wanna- Like, have you looked for your parents or family? Like, did you go to the police?’ Adam asked worriedly.

‘Of course we did,’ you replied as Adam nodded along, completely taken aback by your story. ‘But they couldn’t find anything useful. So, I decided to let it go,’ you said calmly but resolutely.

‘What? Wai-What? How can you- Don’t you- But- Why?’ Adam stammered in disbelief. His mouth opened, probably to add more arguments, but you cut him off politely.

‘I can spend the rest of my life trying to discover who I was before this, but I’d much rather live in the moment and be who I am now. The boys took me in and they’ve been taking good care of me. They are my family now, and I love them. I don’t really need anything else,’ you said with a shrug.

Adam thought a moment about your words, and you could see them sinking into his brain as he stared at you.

‘But… A person’s character is made out of memories and experiences. You can’t, like…be; you can’t have character if you don’t have any memories. So, there must be something… anything,’ he said intensely.

‘Hmm,’ you hummed. ‘There are, but they’re too vague to grasp now,’ you said thoughtfully, not wanting to reveal too much. Adam’s face instantly became eager, but you quickly shut him down. ‘But all those vague things give me more of an understanding of who I am now than they paint an image of my history, if that makes sense.’

Adam frowned, thinking over your words.

‘Anyway,’ you spoke again, ‘I’ll figure it out sometime. In my own time and pace. Alone,’ you added, hoping he would get the message. 

‘Right,’ Adam said with a nod, understanding that you didn’t want nor need his help to figure this out. ‘One last question, though,’ he added.

‘Shoot,’ you said, friendly.

‘You seem so… chill with all of this. You know you don’t have to pretend with me, right? You don’t need to act though or anything,’ Adam said carefully.

You chuckled, and you could see the surprise on his face.

‘I know it might be unthinkable for you, but I am genuinely not bothered by it,’ you said, but then corrected yourself. ‘Well, maybe “bothered” isn’t the right word, but I'm not sad or hurt or anything. I’m fine talking about it, and you don’t have to evade the topic of “past” or “memories” or “family” or anything. It’s fine. I’m fine.’ You gave him a reassuring nod.

Adam didn’t seem to think you were fine at all, however, you could see the questions burning in his eyes, but thankfully he didn’t press on. Instead, he quickly changed the subject to the dreadful weather and how the current heavy rain would probably cause another leakage in his room again.

You went along with it, not wanting to have to convince him any more than you had already tried to do. 

Although your conversation with Adam had kinda left things a bit awkward between the two of you, it had given you an idea. 

‘Lino?’ You began as you sat comfortably in the backseat of the car that Minho was driving, with Han sat next to him in the passenger seat.

‘Hm?’ Minho hummed.

‘Can I borrow some money?’ you asked him. You know you didn’t have to feign sweetness or bat your eyelashes at him to get it, as they all had made clear to you that they had more than enough money to spare if ever you needed it. 

‘Sure, how much do you need?’ He asked casually as he took a left turn. 

‘Oh, erm,’ you said, suddenly coming to the realisation that you hadn’t completely thought this through as you had been too excited about the idea itself. ‘I don’t know yet,’ you admitted honestly.

‘What’s it for?’ He asked. It wasn’t a question of which he would judge your answer, you knew this, but it was simply to see if he could possibly help you calculate the cost of whatever you would need the money for.

‘Erm, well,’ you began, not sure why you were hesitant to say it but deciding to spill the beans anyway, ‘I would like to go on a trip during the next break. Like a vacation,’ you explained.

Both Minho and Han turned around to face you at the exact same moment, speaking in unison.

‘Alone?’ their voices doubled. 

‘Watch the road!’ you shouted, startled that Minho would act so carelessly while operating a moving vehicle. Instantly there was an odd tingle in the air. The sound of the rain clattering on the roof stopped, and the cars that had been passing by suddenly seemed frozen, like odd statues in the middle of the road. Minho let go of the steering wheel and turned his body towards you to see you better. 

Ever since you had discovered what they were, they had been using their powers more and more freely around you. Although you were happy that they were finally able to be their true selves around you, you were still getting used to it. 

‘Right,’ you said dryly as you observed the paused surroundings. 

‘You wanna go on a trip alone?’ Han asked with big eyes. There was a mixture of shock, disappointment and worry in his bright greens as he looked at you. 

‘I just wanted to go on a trip,’ you shrugged. ‘I’ve never been on holiday before. I know you all have jobs and obligations and-’ 

‘You really think we’d let you go alone?’ Minho said almost scornfully. 

‘Yeah,’ you said defiantly. ‘I’m not a child and-’ but you were cut off once again.

‘I never said you were,’ he interrupted, arching a brow. You raised yours as well.

‘Darling, we know very well that you’d be fine on your own, except Chan maybe,’ he added and then shook his head, ‘this isn’t about your safety,’ he spoke. A small smile played around his lips as he looked at your confused face.

‘Do you really think we’d be able to go a week without you?’ Minho sighed with a chuckle. You blinked. ‘Chan would be worried out of his mind, Changbin would be bored to death and probably start to set fire to things just to have something to do, Seungmin would probably complain nonstop, and Hyunjin would probably be so lovesick that not even Felix would be allowed to enter his room.’

‘We’d all be,’ Han said, looking pained at the thought of it. Your heart was beating in your chest, and you could feel your stomach fluttering.

‘Baby, I don’t think we can do without you anymore,’ Han said softly. Minho nodded silently in agreement. ‘But if you really want to go alone…,’ he spoke, the words seeming difficult to leave his lips. ‘We… Of course, we will let you go alone,’ 

Of course, after their speech, there was no way you could bear to leave them behind. Nor did you want to. It wasn’t necessarily that you had wanted to go on vacation alone, you just had expected them to be too preoccupied with other things. It was always hard to really plan stuff out, because, other than the communal meals and the weekly movie night, they all had jobs with their own schedules that never seemed to coincide. But as soon as you told the guys during dinner that evening that you wished to go on a trip, they instantly agreed to come. Whenever you tried to express your concerns regarding their own obligations, they waved them away instantly, like flies on their food. 

‘It’ll be fine,’ Felix said with a reassuring smile. 

‘I could definitely use a vacation, yeah,’ Hyunjin said with a stretch. 

‘Where would you like to go?’ Jeongin asked.

‘Erm,’ you said, once again realising that you hadn’t thought it through completely. ‘I don’t have to go to Europe or anything, jetlag and all,’ you said, remembering Adam’s complaints. ‘I guess somewhere here in Korea would be fine. It’s only for a week anyway,’ you said with a shrug. 

‘We could go to Jeju Island,’ Chan suggested slowly, looking thoughtfully. 

‘Oh, yeah, I haven’t been there in ages,’ Seungmin agreed immediately, teeming with enthusiasm.

‘Jeju would be cool,’ you said in agreement. ‘It’s only an hour’s flight from Busan, right?’ you asked. 

Some of the guys raised their brows at you, and you looked at them confused.

‘Teleportation, my dear, teleportation,’ Hyunjin said, patting you on the back as if you had just said something incredibly stupid. 

‘Riiiight,’ you said with a slow nod. ‘But can you bring suitcases with you and such?’ you asked curiously. 

‘We can bring anything that is in contact with us and that we consciously want to take with us. So, like clothes, suitcases, and people,’ Felix explained. ‘As long as we like, take into mind that it needs to come along, it will. That’s why the ground underneath our feet isn’t like accidentally teleported along or anything.’

 ‘Makes sense,’ you nodded understandingly.

‘So, Jeju then?’ Han asked hopefully. 

You all agreed. 

You didn’t have much time to be involved with the further planning of the trip, as your exams were coming up soon. You hadn’t even had a moment to think about your status as a Goddess either, as every minute of the day suddenly seemed crammed with study time. In the mornings, you often skipped breakfast to read through your notes once more before Han or Minho would call you out to the car. Adam shared your stress, and instead of the usual free time you spend between classes and in breaks where you sat and chatted, you now raced off to the library to study together in silence. The conversations consisted of the bare minimum.

‘Hi,’

‘Hey,’

‘How many left today?’

‘One, it’s a paper,’

‘Right,’

…

‘Well, good luck, bye!’ 

‘You too, bye!’

And you’d both rush off to your respective classrooms.

It was Friday afternoon when you finally turned in the last of your exams and walked out of the classroom feeling like you could finally breathe again. Although you were sure none of your grades would be top marks, you were confident you had at least passed every single subject. 

You stepped into the hallway and took a deep breath. It was done. You took your phone out of your pocket and turned it back on. Instantly a few messages came in from Adam.

“Hope your last exam went well. I’m already done but had to rush home to pack. Flight leaves at 11 tonight. Have fun on your first trip! See you back at school in two weeks!” 

You smiled at his text. His exams must’ve gone well, too, as his manner of texting seemed quite cheerful. You knew Adam well enough to know that if it had gone badly, he’d never had used as many exclamation marks as he did. 

You texted him a:

“Thanks, you too! Take care!”

And made your way to the bus station. It was a pity that you couldn’t drive back with Minho and Han today as you finally had time for them. The past two weeks, you had barely had any time for any of the boys, and it broke your heart. You knew they wanted to spend time with you, but they also realised you needed your space to study. Now and then, they had knocked on your bedroom door, shuffling in silently with snacks or tea, petting or kissing you on the head softly or speaking words of encouragement before tiptoeing their way out again. There had been several occasions where you had woken up in your bed, still wearing your clothes, while you had been sure you had been sitting behind your desk just moments ago. But then, whenever you checked the alarm clock on your nightstand, you realised you must’ve fallen asleep, and one of the guys must’ve carried you to bed and tucked you in. 

It wasn’t until you sat down on the bus that you realised how tired you actually were. It washed over you like a tidal wave, dragging you down. You had been sleeping far too little, probably competing with Chan for insomnia, although you didn’t think anyone could ever win from the poor man. You yawned as you stared out of the window, blinking ferociously in an attempt to stay awake until you made it to your stop. The first thing you would do when you arrived home would be to go straight to your room and sleep, finally catching up with the hours your body was only now telling you had missed.

But when you arrived home, your little plan was instantly wiped out from the moment you stepped inside.

As soon as you set foot in the house, you could tell something was going on. There was a lot of shouting going on. Not the angry, annoyed, or aggressive manner, but more the rushing, inquiring one. 

You quickly kicked off your shoes in the hallway and hung your coat before stepping into the living room. All of the boys were flitting in and out of rooms, running up and down the stairs and shouting away with their arms full of stuff. 

‘Got the sunscreen?’ Hyunjin called. 

‘Yep!’ Jeongin’s voice shouted from the stairwell.

‘Has anyone seen my pocketknife?’ Minho shouted.

‘It’s in the bottom drawer in the kitchen!’ Seungmin called back.

‘Erm, excuse me?’ You said as Felix was running by, his arms filled with neatly stacked, freshly washed clothes. Felix instantly stopped and looked over at you.

‘Ah, y/n,’ he said with a smile, ‘are your bags packed yet?’ 

‘What? Bags? I-what?’ you asked, confused. Felix raised an eyebrow.

‘Your bags… For the trip…You packed them already, right? You had said you would…’ he said, unsure. 

‘Everything alright?’ Chan asked as he passed and saw both your and Felix’s faces. His arms were filled with chargers of all kinds. He narrowed his eyes as he looked at you concerned. 

‘I-erm,’ you began, trying desperately to remember when you had promised to have your stuff packed already but drawing a complete blank. 

‘Uh-oh,’ Felix said with a soft worried click of his tongue. Chan pressed his lips together. 

‘What’s going on?’ Hyunjin asked as he walked over, brand new hair dryer and styler in his hands. 

‘She forgot to pack,’ Chan spoke for you, not looking away from your pale, startled face. Hyunjin rolled his eyes.

‘You do know we had set to leave at 5.15, right?’ Chan asked you slowly as if you were not quite there. 

‘Erm,’ you said again. Your eyes flitted to the clock on the back of the kitchen wall. It was a quarter to 5. You gulped. 

‘Can’t we- erm- can’t we just, like, go later? It’s not like we have a plane to catch, right?’ you tried. Hyunjin let out a loud exasperated sigh before turning around and strutting away. 

‘Y/n, we explained this like last week,’ Felix said patiently. ‘We need to be careful with the teleporting. We can’t just all arrive at the same place at once; we need a safe spot and time where we won’t be seen.’

Felix’s words sounded vaguely familiar as an incoherent memory drifted to the surface, which also spoke of “testing time and locations”.

‘Right,’ you said hesitantly. 

‘If you need more time, I guess we can stay behind and go in at around 12,’ Chan suggested thoughtfully. 

‘You can’t; reception closes at 6, so you wouldn’t have a room. You could wait until tomorrow, though,’ Felix suggested. ‘We could scan the place, and you could apparate into our room to-’

‘I’ll just pack now quickly’, you interrupted Felix. You didn’t want to be more of a nuisance. After all, how long could packing take?

‘You sure?’ Chan asked worriedly. You nodded quickly before dashing off.

‘Need any help?’ Felix called after you. 

‘No thanks!’ you called back quickly as you were already halfway on the stairs.

[aroacegod]

I have too many thoughts running through my head constantly. Not negative thoughts, just thoughts. It’s like my brain literally can’t shut up. I’m always thinking about random things—song lyrics that keep repeating, random memes, what’s going on around me, or thoughts that just pop up out of nowhere. It’s a problem I’ve had for a long time, and it’s honestly gotten annoying.

Whenever I want to focus on one thing, I just can’t, because my brain comes up with 25 other things to think about, and suddenly I’m up and doing something else entirely. It’s come to the point where I cannot sit in silence because it gives my thoughts time to run wild. This is especially hard when I’m taking a test or something, because the silence just gives my brain more room to distract me from my task, and I end up spacing out because my thoughts have completely taken over. I need constant background noise if I want to focus on anything. I once did my work at a literal party, people screaming and music blasting on all sides of me less than 5 feet away, and I felt the most focused I ever had in my life. I got asked how I could focus so well with so much noise, but the truth is that I need the noise. Having so many sounds around me all at once makes it impossible for my brain to pinpoint and focus on one of them, forcing it to focus on my work instead. Because of this, loud, noisy areas are the best environment for me when I wanna focus, but it’s not often an option, and I can’t always listen to music either.

My thoughts also used to keep me awake at night. I couldn’t even feel tired because my mind was running a marathon; I’d just be laying in bed with my eyes closed until I eventually somehow lost consciousness. It’s gotten better at night now, but it’s still present in my everyday life. Even just sitting up doing nothing, my mind finds things to think about. It’d be nice to be able to quiet my thoughts for once, but I doubt I can force my brain to stop thinking, even for a second. It only goes quiet when I’m really intensely focused, which doesn’t happen at will, and doesn’t happen often. The only recurring exception I can think of is reading a book I’m really interested in. My thoughts cease, and I become completely unaware of my surroundings; as in, I literally can’t hear anything even if you talk right next to me (which has happened on multiple occasions. Teacher was giving instructions and I had my nose in a book; a friend had to tap me on the shoulder and I was literally so lost.) and I lose all perception of passing time. These random moments of hyperfocus are the only times my mind feels like it’s at rest, and although it does help me make a lot of progress in whatever I’m focusing on, I can’t control it, so it’s not really reliable.

My thoughts don’t run in the background; everything runs in the front, and one thought is pushed out by another. I think it may be a reason I tend to forget certain things easily (I literally forgot that I wanted to write about how my thoughts make me forget. Seriously.) and move from one thing to another so quickly. The only good thing about my constant thinking is that I can always keep myself entertained. I often burst out laughing by myself in my room because of a conversation I had in my head (much to the concern of my mom. I did it just now, actually). I don’t know how to deal with the way my mind is despite it being this way my whole life. All I can really do is hope it gets easier or I somehow manage to figure it out.

[hisui-cotton]

As a little intro, some spoilers ahead! This is a little post about Sugar Apple Fairy Tale and how surprised I was to have enjoyed it. It really is such a good show and I'd recommend it highly. I wrote this in two separate parts but felt it worked better as one larger post so if it's a little disconnected or repeats anything that'd be why. Enjoy!

To fully be honest though I’ve been in LOVE with Sugar Apple Fairy Tale. It’s finished up it’s second season and something about the way it ended makes me think there won't be another season but I wouldn't mind either way. It felt good the way it was. I constantly found myself thinking “YES GIRL SHOW ‘EM” as Anne, our protagonist, was met with more and more hurdles in her quests and she'd work as hard as she could to get around them every time. Sometimes events happened that she simply couldn’t avoid but instead of simply being a damsel or waiting for someone to save her she seems to always get up and ask herself “What can I do right now?” Each time the show beings to enter a trope it seems to lightly find a new way around it or plays into it a really nice way. No matter how it plays out it’s refreshing. Where I would have been upset about feeling like characters should be able to see certain turns coming or problems arising, it was way more engaging to let the story play into those things and be excited for how things would playout after (and maybe shout a few “Gah I knew it!” when I got really into it). Overall too it has this otome game sort of feeling to it’s story progression. Even though the main love interest is fairly clear there are moments that in an otome would definitely net some romance points for certain characters.

Something that surprised me about that is I really enjoyed every second of it. It’s hard to explain the full story of why, but I’ve really had a problem getting into Shoujo type stories lately. I play a lot of Otome, in random sporadic amounts, and something that I enjoy about those rather than general shojou stories is that there is a development of relationships and characters that feels fun. In going through common routes theres a chance to engage and really understand aspects of characters that you tend not to always get in shojous because the story is meant to develop specific relationships. There are times where multiple relationships develop but most of the time a linear story works on specific relationships because that tends to drive the story forward more easily and is usually what readers want to see. Even Otome tend to drive the relationships through the common route but ultimately focus on the single chosen relationship in the full routes. Nonetheless my favorite part of Otome is when everyone is hanging out together and were able to invest our time in getting to know everyone as much as we want and see them interact with each other. There’s also a bit of world building in these parts that I like because Otome always have such fun worlds.

Sugar Apple Fairy Tale though is the perfect mix of the Otome getting to know everyone, and then the main relationship of shoujo. Theres something super engaging about the way they wrote it that makes it both a bit predictable but not in a way that I disliked. Whenever I saw something coming I didn’t go “Gosh that was stupid, I knew from the start”. It was more so that I enjoyed how I could see what was coming because it meant I get to know how the characters reacted when they found it out. For example I sort of knew that bridgette would find a way to get Charelle’s wing the moment she gained a crush on him. I did not however know how she would or what Anne’s reaction would be. And that made it intriguing. Something about the way that works is super nice. From what I understand as well, Sugar Apple is a light novel so it’s possible thats why it feels so interesting in it’s writing (if it is a light novel).

It’s definitely one of the easiest series to watch through that I’ve seen in a while though. It was just...refreshing.

[sneverussape]

all right, i'll bite :) for the 4am asks: 12, 14, 39, 87, 100. <3

:3

answering this while a storm rages outside and i’ve yet to have my morning coffee — so this will be…idk unflinchingly honest prob.

12. Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.?

when i was growing up, my parents always reminded us that, had they done something different during their past (dated another person, went to another university, etc), they would not have married each other and we would not have been born. hearing that so constantly as a kid made me have an awareness of What Could Have Been, even though what my parents were aiming for was prob a weird sense of “wow thank god you guys got married” which my brothers and i never gave them lol. i always imagine the scenarios of my parents never getting married to each other and living different lives, but also what would have happened had other decisions been made.

that sense of loss is constant when i think about these things too much - what if we had stayed in x country, what if i had gone to x school for university, what if i had said yes to this certain offer, etc. all of them would have led to a very different life than what i have now. for one thing i’d probably not have the job i have now (a field and institution i never in a million years would have thought i’d be in as a kid), and i’d probably be living elsewhere (likely the US). even staying together with a former partner would have led to a different outcome - i’d probably have kids, live in california, and have a different career/life trajectory. i’m not unhappy with the state of my life rn though, and i think this is the scenario i’d have chosen anyway had i been given the option. the grief maybe comes from the loss of deeper relationships i could have had. i miss the people i’ve had to say goodbye to and are no longer in touch with for one reason or another. i like to imagine that in other universes these other scenarios exist and we’re still having the time of our lives.

14. Would you want to be reincarnated?

no. :)) i want the end to be the end, yknow? whether there’s Beyond or Nothing i want it to be that already. no more repeats, i’m tiredt.

39. Do you know what you want out of life?

whenever people ask me this question, it always reminds me of that scene in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape when gilbert gets asked what he wants for himself, and gilbert says “i want to be a good person”. i watched this as a kid and it really stuck with me. it seems like such a simple thing to be but it’s not. i can’t control most things; i can only really control myself. what i want out of life is just me putting some good out to the world as much as possible, and making conscious decisions that would help rather than harm, even if it’s just for a single person. yesterday my friend was having a hard time but couldn’t leave the house because she had to meet a deadline. i bought her a boba tea and had it delivered to her house as a snack. it was expensive and honestly something she could have done herself but i figured it’d be a nice gesture and one thing to make her day less shitty. i want a kinder world. i try to put out what i want the universe to give back in spades to others. idk that’s all anyone probably really wants at the core of it all, right?

87. Do you anger easily?

yes. my mom has really bad anger issues (likely due to her own childhood as a military brat and being 7 out of 9 kids) and it’s a response i learned to emulate from a fairly young age. i learned to get better control of it as i went through school, copying how my peers and older mentors acted. i think i was always very self-aware, although i don’t know how i was trained to be that way, and i knew anger wasn’t the right response. i’d be seething internally but act controlled on the outside, because i knew that was how to get what i wanted/needed. i’ve mastered it at this point except when it comes to certain people who really trigger a specific response, like my brothers. mannn, the fights we get into. 🙃 i’m slow to outward anger (inside, im always angry with one thing or another lol) with colleagues and friends but when it gets to boiling point, i can be pretty vicious with words. this is also why i prefer keeping it under control because i don’t like the feeling of regret that comes when you say something you didn’t really mean, or something you did mean but know you shouldn’t have said out loud. this is also the reason my sister said she could never be friends with me if we weren’t siblings since i’m far more ruthless than what she can stand. i know that! i accept it. 🥲 i’m working on it.

100. What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in?

hmm. idk really. even my belief of god gets challenged from time to time. probably the one thing i strive to keep believing in despite parts of me also accepting its impossibility, is how people aren’t really gone after death and there’s still a chance to see each other again someday. it’s a necessary coping mechanism for me, and though i equally accept that it can be untrue, i’d rather believe it is. i’d miss people too much if i didn’t, and i don’t think i can bear losing them so permanently. the heartache is too much.

anyway thank you @greens-your-color for the asks! sorry if it got morose. it’s the lack of coffee. 😪

have a good weekend!

[sereniv]

All this, but for me its not about not feeling relief or pride over finishing a task, its that i cant USE that relief or pride

i know ill feel better if i clean my room, itll feel nice, itll feel more open, there will be many benifits including A (type of) sense of accomplishment.

And though i know this and i can almost taste it, its like my body and mind dont know what to do with that information

I see it, i want it, but how do i get it?

And I say 'a type of sense of accomplishment' because I will feel relief that my room is clean, but my brain doesnt connect it to MY reward system

Soni feel relief and pride to a sense but its detatched from me. The pride is in the moment, stand alone, disconnected, as if ive forgotten what lead up to this pride

Same with relief, so in the end my brain sees the tasks i need to do, sees the relief, wants it, but doesnt know how to get it

and eventually, when i do get it, my brain forgets how we even got here

so in the future its the same game. theres no improvement. Just walking on clothes, feeling stressed about it, knowing that it would feel good to have it all clean and craving that feeling, yet not able to do anything about it. And thats all if i can get my brain to focus on that specific thing.

My brain can feel so jumbled up that its like shutting a monitor off. im awake, but literally nothing going on in my brain. at that point i have to just move on. Im staring at my messy room, and cant even understand how i can form a thought of what i want.

Like im actively forgetting what im looking at, and cant even be aware that im forgetting what im looking at. kind of like zoning out

though its not all hopeless, for me i like to talk to myself as a seperate person. out loud. (whenever im able to have A Thought) it feels embarassing but, actually talk as if im talking to someone else, and respond after legitimately thinking. Not only that, but talk to myself like im a scared, stressed child.

And this all banks on my taking advantage of anytime my mind actually has the thought "ugh my room is so dirty" i have to be expecting that, i have to constantly be waiting for that thought so i can catch it and stop myself physically in my tracks. Say out loud what i said, repeat it until i understand exactly what im saying.

Then i can start asking myself questions, out loud, actually thinking about what im saying. like a real conversation.

example:

"Your room is messy"

"yes"

"why dont we clean it?"

"i cant"

"Why? what are you feeling?

"scared"

"You are scared, are you overwhelmed?"

"Yes"

"Why dont we pick up 1 item. Look around the room and take your time and find one item no matter how small. How about that wrapper?"

"I cant move"

"Move your fingers. Now move your toes. Now your arms. Remember, its okay if we put this off until later"

"I pick up the wrapper"

"Yes pick up the wrapper and put it in the trash. the trash is right next to the bathroom. Turn your head and you will see. Maybe count how many steps it takes. You will need to bend your knees first, and move your legs to walk to the trash"

---

This can help a lot, with being able to not only be kind to yourself, letting yourself feel safe enough to express your concerns or what youre feeling, but also help paint a picture of what you have to do, actualizing it in your head

I had months of not cleaning my room, i did this and ended up cleaning and rearanging it in a few days to the point there was literally nothing left to do

all because i was kind, i listened, i understood, and i also told myself that its okay for my room to be messy. that happens. and one more day or one more week isnt going to be any worse than where i was a month ago.

And sometimes it goes like

"I have to do the dishes..... the dishes. the dishes. go to the kitchen. food. kitchen where food is made. im in the kitchen. dishes. the dishes in the sink. only plates. one plate."

its like trying to push two of the same magnet together.

Also listening to music and smoking weed helps a lot but not always

adhd is so embarrassing ur basically like “I have to have fun right the fuck now or I’m throwing myself off the roof” 90% of the time and you also have very little control over this

[fromthedome]

Safety Net

February 3, 2024

Not long after I arrived in Calhoun, my oldest brother, Billy, came to visit me.  We were quite a pair: me feeling completely overwhelmed by my new house and my new hospital and my new enormous black cloud of debt, and him working through some tough relationship issues. We talked a lot. We worked out at the gym. We ate egg white omelets at Huddle House. We philosophized. We did some farm calls together. We reflected. We whined. 

As I listened to Billy describe the depths of his unhappiness and the extent of his hopelessness, I remember thinking to myself, “Just DO something, damnit, even if it is wrong. At least do something.”  That didn’t seem very nice to say out loud, though, so I tried to phrase it more diplomatically.  “If you don’t like where you are, in your relationship, in your life, in your job…then leave. It’s that simple.”  

And sitting out by my pool on a clear night with the future ahead of us both, it did seem simple...“If you don’t like where you are…then leave. It’s that simple.” 

For whatever reason, that phrase stuck with him and it stuck with me, too. We have repeated it to each other many times throughout the years since that first visit, both as a reminder to each other and a reminder to ourselves: if you don’t like it, change it. We have each, in turn, made sudden drastic changes in our lives when we suddenly realized how unhappy we were in certain spaces, with certain people, in certain jobs.

But here is the secret of saying that phrase, and making it true: you have to believe that you can make something new work for you…and for most of us, that belief requires a strong safety net.

….

Many years before...

......

The summer after my first year of college I decided to get in my car and drive around the US. I packed up my little Ford Mustang with my tent inside and my bicycle on a rack on the trunk and I drove everywhere I wanted to go.  I didn’t really have a destination in mind, I just wanted to be out, exploring, getting away from my parents and the house in Maryland which suddenly, inexplicably, felt so confining after a year at college.  I mostly roamed from park to park but also relative to relative. Usually I called a few hours or maybe a day in advance...”Hey...I’m in Ohio, can I come stay for a day or two?” No one, not one single relative, said no. They all, even some I hadn’t seen in 15 years, took me in and made me welcome and asked me to stay longer. 

It was an amazing summer adventure...bouncing from the safety net of my parents’ house to the safety net of my casual independence to the safety net of relatives.

......

A few years later

…..

My middle brother, Mike, once left his job and drove two hours through a blinding snow storm to rescue me after I had been involved in a multiple-vehicle accident on I-81 in western Virginia that totaled my SUV, killed my dog and left me with a gash across my forehead and a profound sense of how lucky I was to be alive. And while I can’t fall asleep in moving vehicles any more, and I still have an ugly scar on my forehead.... I also still have the memory of my brother riding out to my rescue.

......

Much later

…..

When finances were really tight at the hospital, sometime in the early 2000s, my mom saw how stressed out and constantly on-edge I was and wrote me a check for $7000 (the amount of the monthly hospital loan payment). As she handed it to me she said, “I know you won’t ask for help when you need it, so hold onto this and use it whenever you need it but don’t want to ask.”   That check hung on my corkboard above my desk from that day until the day I sold the hospital. I was lucky that I never needed to use it, and lucky that I had a parent that could afford to write a check that big and was generous enough to give it. Knowing the check was hanging there, ready, made a huge difference in how I worried about the day-to-day issues of the time.

......

Always

…..

I could give you a thousand examples of how my family is there for each other, always. Yes, we fight sometimes, and yes we are extremely dysfunctional...but I think every family is dysfunctional in some way. But no matter what, we are all there for each other every single day, and we all know that there are people out there to catch us if we fall.  Financially.  Emotionally, Physically.

II

It wasn’t until I was old enough to have been out in the world a bit that I began to realize how very, very privileged I have been, and how most of the world is not this lucky. People without a safety net often do not have the luxury of just “leaving” the lives they feel stuck in. Unhappy situations continue for some people because without the unhesitating certainty of a safety net, they believe they are one stupid decision away from falling, and crashing, and burning. 

[theres-bugs-in-my-brain]

Please just block and don’t report, this is my only safe space

I’ve come to the dumbfounding realization that I am hearing things again and I can’t do anything about it.

I have minor to moderate hallucinations

Mostly auditory, mostly nonsensical

The repeating sounds of doors opening, dogs barking, phone notifications stuff like that

On the more extreme end I have seen and heard upsetting things. Disturbing to just plain gross at times.

I also have an imaginary friend, max, who is mostly my voice of reason but he keeps his distance ever since I started going to therapy.

But there’s this one that’s been messing with me for a long time. The voice of my probably dead ex. Long story short he was dealing with psychotic episodes and confided in me for experiencing similar things (hallucinations), but after a dumb argument with me agreeing with my friend over a stupid thing made him think that I was cheating on him. He threatened to take his own life before blocking me. Never heard of him again. Never had a mutual friend between us and I didn’t tell my parents about our relationship or even our friendship so no connection to his family to see if he was okay.

That night I made a promise to take my life before 18 but I’m 19 now.

Since that day he was this soft yet suffocating voice to tell me I wasn’t worth the air I breathed for killing him. I hardly talk about it. Not like how I talk about the bullying or harassment I was experiencing at the time. It’s still hard to talk about it today.

Something about it is that those thoughts, those feelings, that moment is always in the back of my head. I spend so much time trying to forget about it, I end up thinking about it twice as much.

Recently it was my 19th birthday. For weeks, months leading up to that day it was like he was resurrected. his damn ghost talking to me, asking me if I really wanted to stay like this. This alongside the hallucinations twisting and turning what everyone is saying around me. Sounding harsher, whispering cruel truths, even when I’m alone, with the voices of family, friends

Especially friends that walked out, that I don’t know if they’re safe, alive.

It’s eating me up. The things they say.

Makes me dizzy with anger, nauseous with anxiety, choking on grief.

I’ve been trying to stay clean

I really am

But if I’m clean with one thing I’m twice as dependent on the other.

I used to talk about this with my therapist

My closest friend

My brother max

But I don’t go to therapy anymore and she was a bitch anyway, nice lady just always felt like she looked down on me

My closest friend is drowning in his own life and he’s just a kid, how could I even put something on him in the first place

And max, my brother, isn’t that so damning huh? A literal extension of myself and somehow even though he out of anyone should understand the most, his disappointment, him not understanding is what I fear the most.

Plus how could I even bring it up??

��Hey by the way my understanding of what everyone around me is saying is slowly being twisted and it’s getting harder to tell when it happens, and it’s been making me feel violent and awful”

No one would trust my feelings, my perspective, every little thing that I say that I feel will be scrutinized and doubted. Don’t get me wrong, it’s for a good reason, but it feels like no one understands that I already doubt everything I see and hear. Scrutinize every feeling already. Why would I want others to do that to me when I build up the confidence to even say anything?

Cant mix well with my already shaky sense of self. My very identity is constantly contradicted by how everyone else perceives me and my own fucking body betraying me.

So it’s getting bad again and I can’t say anything, but whenever things would build up I would come here to write it down, get it out, so I know I’ll feel better soon. And like I always say

It will pass

[adhd-attention-deficit-dumbass]

How do I learn to not be annoying? I blather on about my hyperfixations constantly. I also go on tangents all the time. I can be in a conversation knowing that I'm talking too much, or that my conversation partners don't care about my hyperfixations at all and not have any ability to shut up about it even when I want to. How do I learn to stop?

Hello there friend!

Obligatory apology for answering this X months later: Sorry 😳❤️ better late than never I guess?

As for your question:

I tried writing several answers to this but none of them felt genuine and I don’t want to force myself to give advice I don’t stand for so I guess I’ll vent a little first?

This was really hard for me to answear and I think maybe it’s because it hit a little too close to home? I have always been very shy and anxious but at the same time love sharing things I’m interested in. A lot of times though it ended up with me having my feelings hurt because I went off about something I really cared about only to be met with silence or even responses such as:

”sorry I just genuinely don’t care about what you’re talking about right now”

Which in my opinion is not an okay thing to say, even if someone is going off. There are nicer ways to say it but in my opinion if people have to express that they really DON’T want to listen to you, then those are not people you should hang out with. Maybe I’m controversial here What do yall think?

Personally I have always felt that I should always at least pretend like I’m listening even if I’m not interested and ask questions so the other person feel heard and validated.

For example, my partner is very much into larping and making his own clothes/gear. I don’t really get it when he starts talking about patterns or different materials but whenever he shows me something he made I go ”wow baby! That’s awesome!” And usuallly that’s enough for him to feel satisfied.

You don’t have to be interested yourself to respect that other people have different passions.

I really hate math but when I meet people who study math for their major I always tell them how cool it is because it is! Having passion for things is really cool no matter what it is!

That said you did ask for advice so with that rant over…😅

#1 Focus on listening 🗣👂🏻👂🏻👂🏻

Often trying not to do something is alot harder than trying to do something so if we replace ”not talk as much” with ”listen more” we can instead focus on an easier task with the same outcome.

Listening is a really good skill to learn in general. Whenever you feel as if you’re talking too much; try to make someone else talk instead and focus on listening really well.

Turn to a conversation partner and ask what they think or how their weekend was and don’t settle for a single question, ask follow ups.

”How was your weekend?”

”Okay I guess, I went to visit my grandma”

”Oh that sounds nice, Are you two close? Does She live nearby? Did you do anything fun together?”

Really try to remember what they said, repeat it if you can

”So you went kayaking last fall?

Here you repeat what they said in the form of a question which will prompt them to talk more about it.

If they don’t initiate you can follow it up with:

”That sound fun! What was it like? Did you like it? Was it your first time? Are you going back this year?”

#2 Use ”outside focus”

Now this one I learned in therapy for my anxiety but it might just work for you too!

”Outside focus” is an exercise where you turn your focus from inside where all your anxious thoughts are, to the physical surroundings around you outside your body

The way it works is you look around yourself and describe everything to yourself in your head. ”The floor is made of floor” ok Maybe not like that more like ”the floor is grey and plastic” ”there’s a hole in the white cieling” ”the Grass is green” ”that house is made of red bricks”

This may not seem like much but what it does is it relocates your focus by keeping your mind busy. If you feel like you can’t stop talking try describing your surroundings quietly in your head until you feel more in control

#3 Practice mindfullness and breathing

Nothing new or revolutionary here but good old breathing exercises really do help but only if you practice so don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work perfectly at once.

Practice breathing slowly in and out and when you discouver your mind wandering, don’t scold yourself but gently *note* the thought you were having and allow it to pass as you return your focus to your breathing.

I know it sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo but there’s a reason mindfullness is so popular and often used in CBT, it really has been one of the most important tools for me in managing my ADHD

Sorry of this post is a mess your question really stirred something in me (in a good way!) that made me really reflect on some things which is always healthy and interesting but it was a little difficult not going to lie. 😅😅

Thank you for your question and have a good day!💕✨🥰

[storiesforallfandoms]

stuck with you ~ machine gun kelly

word count: 2102

request?: yes!

“Ooh how about an enemies to lovers fic where Colson and the reader get stuck in an elevator together please”

description: it’s hard to keep up a petty beef when you’re stuck in an elevator with your supposed sworn enemy

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing, claustrophobia, panic attack

masterlist (one, two)

I don’t even know how the fight between Colson and I ever started, but I knew it was extremely prevalent even though we were forced to go on tour together.

The first big gig my band and I had ever gotten was to go on a massive tour with a bunch of other popular and legendary alt rock acts. It was sort of like Warped Tour, but under a different name. We were touring with the likes of All Time Low, Sleeping With Sirens, Pierce the Veil, etc. We were relatively unknown, so to be given this opportunity was such a big deal for all of us.

My feud with Colson had started before that. Again, I have no idea how it started. I don’t know Colson even knew. All we knew was that we hated one another, or rather we thought that we did. So when the full line up for the tour was announced, and none other than Machine Gun Kelly was on the list, I instantly regretted my decision.

“You won’t even be in contact with him,” my drummer told me after we found out the lineup. “It’s a massive tour, we have our own bus, and the likeliness that you’ll run into him in the hotel or even backstage is so small.”

“You also need to get over this stupid fight,” my bassist added. “You guys barley know one another, how can you be in a feud?”

“That’s the thing, he barley knows me and he’s ragged on me in interviews. Do you realize how much that could effect the reputation of the band?”

“You won’t even run into him,” my drummer repeated. “Just remember that.”

Well, I wish he was right, because I happened to run into Colson on our first night.

The four of us were staying in one hotel room, and in true fashion of a band on their first big tour, we bought enough alcohol to make sure we wouldn’t remember anything the next morning. I offered to go grab ice from the floor above us so we could keep everything cold, and decided taking the elevator was the best idea. The minute the doors opened, I wished I had taken the stairs.

Colson raised an eyebrow at me, glancing down at the ice bucket in my hand.

“I didn’t realize the house keeping went to get ice for the rooms,” he said.

“That wasn’t even clever. You’re starting to fall off Colson,” I said. “I’ll just take the stairs.”

“The floor is literally just one up, it won’t kill us to be in an elevator together for five seconds.”

I glared at him as I realized he was right. I let out an exaggerated sigh and stepped into the elevator, making sure to put a lot of distance between the two of us. Colson hit the button for the next floor up and the elevator doors closed.

It didn’t move.

I looked over at Colson in confusion, wondering if he was also feeling what I was. The look on his face mirrored mine, which was enough to answer my question.

He hit the floor button again, although it was already lit up. Nothing happened. He hit it again, and again, then furiously started jabbing it repeatedly.

“Stop, that’s obviously not doing anything,” I said to him.

“What else am I supposed to do?” he asked.

“I don’t know, see if the doors will open?”

He pressed the button to make the doors open, but again there was nothing. He started jabbing that one too, which resulted in me snapping at him to stop again. He opened his mouth to retort, but before he could the elevator jolted suddenly and a loud alarm rang out.

“Oh fuck,” Colson breathed. “Must be stuck.”

“Wait like...like we’re stuck in here?” I asked.

“That’s what stuck means, yes.”

I felt panic starting to rise in me. I dropped the ice bucket and started clawing at the doors, hoping to somehow pull them open. Colson put a hand on my shoulder and pulled me away.

“Hey, that’s not gonna work!” he said. “For one, you’re literally the size of a toothpick, and two, if the elevator is stuck we can’t open the doors. We’ll just have to press the help button and wait for something to happen.”

My breathing became heavier and I started to hyperventilate. I pressed my back against the back of the elevator and slid down till I was sat on the floor. I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly. I closed my eyes and tried to come down from my panic attack before it even started, but I knew it was no use. The feeling of the confined space in the elevator was baring down on me, I needed to get out of there somehow.

Colson knelt next to me and put a hand on my arm. I looked up at him but I was having a hard time focusing because of how violently I was shaking. Through my somewhat blurry vision though I could see a concerned look on his face.

“Hey,” he said, this time softer than before, “look at me. Are you claustrophobic?”

I felt like I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded instead. Colson’s eyes widened and he quickly turned back to the help button. He started jabbing at it the way he had the other buttons earlier. I was panicking too much to really care at this point. I felt like I was going to throw up, which made it lucky that the ice bucket was right next to me I guess.

“I don’t know if anyone can hear us,” Colson called, “but we’re fucking stuck in an elevator and one of us is having a panic attack! Someone get us the fuck out of here!”

I buried my head in my knees, trying to calm myself down. I tried to imagine that I wasn’t stuck in an elevator, that I was back in my hotel room with my bandmates. Unfortunately I was too far into my panic attack to calm myself down that way. My only hope was getting out of the elevator.

Colson came to sit next to me. I could feel his body close and, even though we were constantly fighting, there was just something comforting about knowing he was there with me. We sat in silence for a little bit, besides the sounds of my hyperventilating. I felt Colson’s arm move next to me, then a gentle tap on my arm. When I raised my head he was holding his phone out to me, showing me a picture of a young girl.

“That’s my daughter,” he told me. “Her name is Casie. She’s my entire world.”

“She’s beautiful,” I said, my voice very shaky.

“I don’t know what I’d do without her,” he said. “Whenever I’m having a bad mental health day, or I’m having an anxiety attack, I just think about the next time I’ll be able to see her and it helps me to calm down.”

“I didn’t even know you had a daughter,” I admitted.

“We don’t know a lot about each other.”

I nodded. “I know, I say that all the time.”

He smirked at me. “You talk about me, huh?”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course I do. We hate each other, so naturally I have to talk shit about you all the time.”

His face softened then, which shocked me a little. I had never seen him look so...well...just nice. When I wasn’t looking at him through a haze of anger from our stupid feud, he really did look...handsome.

“I don’t hate you,” he said.

“What? Of course you do. You always say shit about me, you even mentioned me in one of your songs recently in a negative way.”

“Yeah, cause I thought you hated me.”

“I don’t hate you.”

And in that moment I realized that I really didn’t. My dislike towards Colson was purely under the idea that he hated me too. I thought that was the way I was supposed to feel towards him, not the way I actually felt.

“Wait,” I said, uncurling myself from the ball I was in. “Are you telling me we’ve been fighting and having this stupid feud...and we don’t even hate each other?”

Colson awkwardly chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I guess that’s exactly what happened.”

I tried to laugh too, but the elevator suddenly jolted again, which immediately brought back my panicked state. Colson wrapped his arms around me and held me against his chest, running his fingers through my hair and trying to calm me back down. Surprisingly, it worked at least a little bit.

“I’ve had a crush on you for a while, actually,” Colson admitted. When I looked up at him, even he seemed shocked by this. “I always thought you were beautiful and I wanted to get to meet you in person. But when all this fighting started, I tried to push those feelings aside and pretend like they never existed, but they’ve always been there. I think that’s why I’ve said some extra harsh things towards you, just to try and make myself believe that I really didn’t like you.”

The silence in the elevator was deafening. I pulled away from Colson to look up at him. He averted his gaze to his lap, refusing to look at me at all. I could see red creeping up his neck, embarrassment rising within him no doubt.

I had a brief moment of courage build within me, and I decided to act on it. I cupped Colson’s face in my hands and forced him to look up at me. Before I could lose my courage, I pressed my lips against his.

He hesitated at first, like he couldn’t believe this was happening, but it didn’t take him long to melt into the kiss. His hands found their way to my hips, holding them gently as our kiss became deeper and more passionate. With little effort, he lifted me from the floor onto his lap so that I was straddling him. I ran my hands through his messy blonde hair, curling my fingers into the stands at the back of his head and pulling slightly. The noise I earned from this was definitely a moan, although Colson was adamant that it wasn’t.

Before we could go much further, the elevator suddenly rattled back to life and started moving. When the doors opened again, I nearly sobbed with relief. The two of us quickly untangled from one another and stumbled out into the hallway. The air felt so fresh and my chest, which I hadn’t even realized was so tight, felt like it was opening again.

“Thank fuck,” I breathed. “I’m taking the fucking stairs.”

Colson chuckled. “Can I walk you down to your floor?”

“Aren’t you upstairs?”

“Yeah, like two floors above you I think. But I’d like to spend more time with you before we part ways.”

I smiled and agreed. We walked down the stairs together in silence, but it was a much more comfortable silence. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, and neither could Colson.

He walked me all the way to my hotel room door. We faced each other for another moment, just smiling at one another. It felt weird to not be fighting with him in that moment, but a good weird.

“I should get up to my room I guess,” he finally said. “I have to be up pretty early tomorrow for soundcheck.”

“Me too.”

“Maybe...we could meet up there and continue what we started in the elevator.”

Somehow my smile got even bigger. “Okay, I’d like that.”

He nodded, his face bright with excitement. He said goodnight and headed back towards the stairs. I leaned against my hotel room door, feeling like a lovesick teenager all over again.

That’s when I realized I wasn’t carrying the ice bucket. I had definitely left it in the elevator, but there was no way in hell I was going back for it. I was prepared to explain the entire story to my bandmates, who I was sure had heard the last of mine and Colson’s conversation through the door. I was expecting so many questions about why I was gone so long, why they had heard Colson outside with me, and why I was smiling like such an idiot.

But instead, they looked at me for a moment and my drummer asked, “Where’s the ice?”

[atlabeth]

everything happens for a reason part 5 - zuko x fem!reader

I can go anywhere I want, I can go anywhere just not home

part 4 | masterlist | part 6

a/n: this was hard to get going but once i got to the end the words just flowed. ive come to the conclusion that writing dialogue with katara is my favorite thing to do

warning(s): nightmare at the beginning, survivor's guilt from y/n, some internalized homophobia :-( but aside from that its mostly fluff

wc: 3.6k

chapter title comes from my tears ricochet by taylor swift!

She was trapped.

It was a prison of never ending hallways in some kind of infinite void, complete with the rank stench of death and an innate feeling of hopelessness.

Y/N knew this place. It had been the subject of her nightmares on countless occasions, because it was where she was supposed to be. She had no choice but to start down the pathway of cracked stone — she knew what awaited her, but it was the only way out. She had developed some sick sense of awareness in this nightmare and it didn’t do her any favors.

She began to walk hastily down the path, the itch of paranoia already plaguing the back of her mind. Countless times she had been here, and yet it never got better.

Before Y/N knew it, she had reached her unwanted destination. The first tangible thing in what felt like miles was a prison cell, and she pushed forward despite knowing what awaited her. It was the only way.

“It wasn’t the only way.”

She froze, inhaling sharply as the dreamscape seemed to pull her thoughts out of her mind, and she forced herself to take another step closer, the inhabitant of the cell now visible.

“You did this to me.”

It was her mother, but… not quite her. Her voice strained and stiff, a gaunt appearance with cruel eyes, hunched over in a prison cell. Any sign of the woman Y/N knew her as was gone, and it was her fault. She was the reason Kura was gone — a mother’s ultimate sacrifice because her daughter was too stuck in her head.

“How could you do this to me?” she asked. “How could you be so selfish?”

Y/N tried to respond, but she couldn’t. It was no use anyway — her words would’ve come out in broken, pleading rambles to someone who couldn’t hear a thing. She knew it was fake, she knew this was a nightmare, but it still hurt all the same.

She had imagined her mother saying those words to her so many times they had found their way into her nightmares despite knowing that Kura would never utter a single syllable true to her fears. She had all but killed her mother, and instead of remembering her for what she had done for Y/N, she appeared in her nightmares.

She was a horrible daughter.

She heard footsteps and whirled around, instinctively taking a step back and wincing as her back slammed into the bars. A tall, dark figure creeped towards her and her breath caught in her throat — as it came into the light, she recognized him as the Fire Lord.

He chuckled coldly as he neared ever closer, the path he walked turning to flames behind him. Her eyes darted around for an escape only to find that everything was on fire. It was suffocating, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think, and when she turned to look for her mother she was gone. Everything was gone, her dark void now a prison of flames.

She turned around once more and Ozai was right in front of her, the fire in his hands glowing red hot and a cruel smile on his lips.

“Did you really think you could get away that easily?”

-

She shot up in her bed, a scream on the edge of her lips but just barely managing to hold it back. Ragged breaths were ripped from her chest, her eyes shooting around wildly as she attempted to find anything at all to ground her. It took a few minutes, but with repeated mantras of it was just a dream and you are safe, she was able to calm down.

She pulled her knees to her chest and exhaled long and deep before pulling herself out of bed. It seemed that her day was going to be starting much earlier than planned.

Four years had passed since her arrival at the Northern Water Tribe, but the nightmares never ceased. It didn’t matter how many times she told herself she had done the right thing, that it was what her mother wanted, that if she stayed she would’ve died — she was constantly haunted by her past actions and memories of the Fire Nation.

She hasn’t taken off the necklace since her mother gave it to her, no matter what she does. It’s almost become a part of her now — a memory of Kura and her selflessness that knew no bounds, as well as a grim reminder of what it cost to get her here.

The Northern Water Tribe itself held countless memories of her mother — after all, it was where she had spent the first eighteen years of her life. Her name was well known throughout the tribe with nobles and elders alike, and it amazed Y/N to no end the impact that her mother left everywhere she went. She loved hearing stories about her mother and what she was like as a child, but it was always bittersweet.

She always carried an inherent sense of guilt with her because of who she lived with — her mother hadn’t been lying when she said that the necklace would get them to help her. Kura’s parents still lived in the tribe, and they had taken Y/N in after she revealed who she was. They loved her unconditionally and never made her feel like a burden, but Y/N would be lying to herself if she didn’t think they blamed her for the fate that befell her mother.

After all, she did.

She had never told anyone the full story of why she ran though. It was one thing to leave her mother behind for certain death because of the Fire Lord’s rage, it was another thing to admit that it was wholly her fault because she had fallen for a prince.

Zuko.

Not a day went by where she didn’t think of him. She still held the hope that she would see him again someday, but in lieu of travel she turned to letters.

Y/N had a shelf full of unmailed letters addressed to both Zuko and her mother — it was a way to get out her emotions whenever she was feeling particularly homesick or hopeless, and it did help at first, but after four years it had become something born out of habit rather than necessity.

She still wrote them though — Y/N had learned to hold onto any form of hope she could muster up, no matter how small, and in this moment she needed some.

She opened her shelf and rifled through piles upon piles of letters, some finished, some hardly started, and some crumpled from fits of rage, and her breath caught in her throat when her fingers brushed something different. Y/N pulled the material out and nearly started crying right then and there.

It was an unbelievably simple patch of fabric, but it meant the world to her — something that she had bought during her last night with Zuko, and one of the only pieces of material to have survived her journey to the Northern Water Tribe. She was forced to sell the rest of the fabric she had brought with her in order to make some easy money while on the run, but she had kept this as a memento. She could almost be brought back to the final sunset they shared if she looked at it for long enough.

Y/N bit down hard on her lip to stop the tears and shoved it back into the drawer before closing it and leaving her room in a haste. Sometimes she wasn’t strong enough to handle the memories.

She made her way to the living room and let out a sigh of relief when she noticed the silence. Y/N had never told her grandparents about the nightmares, and right now she just needed some time to herself. Never before was she so thankful for her grandmother’s gossiping nature and her grandfather’s work than she was in the mornings where she just wanted to be alone.

She sat down on the floor, not even bothering to get a cushion, and stared at her hands. Once smooth and untouched by the world, they were now rough and calloused with wrapped bandages resting just below her wrist. Permanent memories of what it took to get here. The ever present reminder that nothing came without a cost.

This morning seemed to be one full of yearning for the past. Y/N tried to shake her feelings off and got up once more, contemplating some steamed sea prunes before deeming it fruitless. Her appetite was lacking after her trip down memory lane.

She walked back to her room and got dressed hastily then ran out the door, but not before plucking a gift from her shelf. Today marked the birthday of a certain princess, and Y/N had to go fast if she was going to get it to her before class.

She was immediately hit by the frigid air of the North, pulling her anorak tighter around her frame as she began to run to the canals — one could always find Princess Yue there in the mornings — doing her best to avoid anyone else walking.

Y/N saw Yue just about to board one of the boats and sped up, waving one of her arms as a signal. “Yue, wait!”

She turned and her face immediately brightened up at the sight of Y/N, raising her open palm so the boatman would hold up. “Y/N! Would you like to join me?”

She raised her eyebrows. “Really?”

Yue’s nod prompted a shrug as she dropped down carefully into the gondola, taking extra care not to drop her gift, and took a seat next to her friend.

“This is a nice surprise,” Yue smiled as the boatman began to waterbend, effectively moving their gondola through the canal. “But if I might ask, what brought you here so early?”

Y/N laughed, thinking her reason for coming here obvious. “It’s your birthday, princess! What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t come to wish you well in person?”

Her smile grew even brighter, the corners of her eyes creasing up in the way that made some kind of warmth blossom in Y/N’s chest. “Thank you! That’s so sweet — I’m especially honored that you woke up early just for me.”

“Of course.” Y/N brandished the gift she had been doing her best to hide, unable to do the same for her own smile. “And here’s your gift! I sewed it all myself.”

Yue gasped as she took the creation, giving it a slight squeeze and a thorough investigation before absolutely beaming. “You made me an otter penguin— oh, you know how much I love these!”

She wrapped Y/N in a tight hug before pulling away, but it was just long enough for the heat to rush to her cheeks. “Thank you so much, really. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

Y/N beamed at the praise and nodded, shifting a little in her seat. “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m glad you like it so much.”

The two girls grinned at each other then turned their gaze to the horizon, content to spend the rest of the ride together in comfortable silence.

Her friendship with the princess of the Northern Water Tribe was something that Y/N cherished with all her heart. She could confidently say that Princess Yue was her best friend, and she hoped it was a notion that Yue shared. As beautiful as she was kind, the princess always had a way of making her feel better on the hardest days — Yue was the only one who knew the whole truth of what happened in the Fire Nation, and she offered nothing but sympathy.

Y/N honestly didn’t know what she would do without Yue. She had been her rock during the whole process of getting situated in the tribe, always lending a helping hand when she stumbled in class or was completely oblivious to something in their culture, and she never made her feel stupid, or unwanted, or less-than for what she had come from.

The only thing that confused her about Yue was the feeling she got whenever Y/N was around her. The rushes of heat to her cheeks, the warmth blossoming in her chest, and the unusual happiness she felt anytime Yue smiled at her. The most peculiar of it all was the strange tug of jealousy any time a noble boy tried to flirt with the princess, and nothing but disinterest whenever they tried an angle on her instead.

She didn’t know what any of it meant, but she had the sneaking suspicion that it was wrong. So Y/N did the only thing she could and suppressed it.

Soon enough, though much to their chagrin, Y/N had to leave. After some exchanged hugs and one last wish of happy birthday, Y/N took off for her morning healing class. But as she hurried down the icy paths, she caught sight of the most peculiar thing.

A giant flying bison was being led through the canals with a team of waterbenders, three kids that couldn’t be any older than her on its back. One had an arrow on his head and sported orange and yellow robes, while the other two looked to be of Water Tribe descent.

Her interest was irrefutably piqued, but she didn’t have any more time to waste with gawking. So she began to run once again, apologies spilling from her lips as she maneuvered through the groups of people all just as awestruck by the strange arrival as she was. Y/N made a mental note to ask Yue about it later, but for now she was running very late to her healing class.

-

Sure enough, a few hours later, Y/N was able to get the answers she had been craving. She met up with Yue outside of the palace, and during a short walk, she learned that the boy was the Avatar. He had come to the Northern Water Tribe to master waterbending, and the two kids with him were his companions from the Southern Tribe — much to her excitement, the girl was a waterbender.

Needless to say, Y/N was even more enthusiastic than before, and Yue made her day by confirming that they would be coming to her birthday celebration that night as honored guests. She had already talked to her father about allowing Y/N to sit with her and he had said yes, which meant that she would get to meet him and his friends in person — it just served as a reminder that Y/N had no idea what she would do without Yue.

After what felt like hours of passing the time with lost games of Pai Sho against her grandfather and failed attempts at finishing her homework, it was finally time for the banquet. Once she arrived at the front of the palace she bid goodbye to her grandparents and went to find the seat that Yue had secured for her.

She settled down in the empty spot next to what she assumed was Yue’s — it was her birthday after all, so a dramatic entrance wasn’t out of the question — and nervously glanced at the three visitors, trying to figure out how to introduce herself.

Thankfully, she was saved when the girl met her eyes and waved, offering a friendly smile. “Hi! I’m Katara; this is my brother Sokka, and that’s Aang.” She gestured in their direction with her head when she said their names and they both smiled and gave her polite nods.

She returned the sentiment gratefully. “I’m Y/N— I’m one of Princess Yue’s friends. Welcome to the Northern Water Tribe!”

“Thanks!” Aang said. “We’re here to find a master so Katara and I can master waterbending.”

“Well, you’re in luck. Master Pakku is one of the best there is, and even though he’s a total jerk, he’ll be able to teach you everything you need to know. And Katara, we have some amazing healing teachers— I can bring you along to my class tomorrow if you’re interested!”

Katara’s eyes lit up. “You’re a waterbender too?” When Y/N nodded, her smile grew even bigger, though slightly wistful.

“I’d really appreciate that,” she admitted, though her brows knit together. “But I’d like to learn from Master Pakku as well.”

Y/N frowned, about to correct her, when the distinct sound of drums began to echo throughout the hall. Her displeasure immediately disappeared as she grinned at them all excitedly, gesturing with her head towards the action.

Chief Arnook stood up from his spot and their table, his low voice booming. “Tonight, we celebrate the arrival of our brother and sister from the Southern Tribe. And they have brought with them someone very special, someone whom many of us believed disappeared from the world until now… the Avatar!”

Y/N’s own applause joined a symphony of others clapping and cheering as Aang waved bashfully, and once it died down, Arnook continued. “We also celebrate my daughter’s sixteenth birthday. Princess Yue is now of marrying age!”

She grinned as Yue walked out alongside her attendants — she would never get used to her beauty. Y/N noticed the way that Sokka’s eyes widened as he stared at her, and her stomach twisted at the act for some unknown reason.

“Thank you, Father,” she said. “May the great Ocean and Moon Spirits watch over us during these troubled times!”

Arnook smiled at his daughter and directed his attention back to his people. “Now, Master Pakku and his students will perform!”

She could tell that Katara and Aang were enraptured by the bending, while Sokka’s attention was already on Yue as she walked over to sit between Sokka and Y/N.

“I’m so glad you could make it!” Yue exclaimed, greeting her friend with a short embrace.

Y/N gave her a sideways smile. “If you think that I would miss your birthday and a banquet, then I’m afraid you’re out of practice on Y/N trivia.”

The princess laughed and nodded amiably then turned her attention to Sokka, ever the diplomat.

“Hi there,” he grinned. “Sokka, Southern Water Tribe.”

Yue returned the sentiment and gave him a slight bow. “Very nice to meet you.”

As their conversation went on, Y/N found herself tuning out a bit. For whatever reason, she had to actively stop herself from rolling her eyes at Sokka’s flirting, that same feeling in her stomach coming back. She made a mental note to see a healer about her issues.

“Hey, Y/N!” She snapped out of her self-imposed trance at the sound of Katara calling her name as she gestured for her to come over. It looked like Aang had gotten up to converse with Master Pakku and Chief Arnook, so she took the invitation and switched seats.

“I can’t tell you how nice it is to finally be here,” Katara said once Y/N had settled next to her. “Back home, I’m the only waterbender. Here… it’s like paradise. It almost feels too good to be true. I mean, even seeing you is crazy — I’ve never met a waterbender my age.”

Y/N smiled, though not without a hint of sadness. “I’m sorry that it’s taken so long for you to be able to experience this. How are you the only bender left down there?”

Katara was silent for a moment, a flurry of emotions warring on her face, before she answered. “The Southern Tribe hasn’t fared half as well as the Northern Tribe during the war. We don’t have one big, huge capital like this, we’re all split up into small villages. The Fire Nation has just been relentless with their raids, and without support from the North and a lack of communication between our sister tribes in the South, they were able to wipe us all out. Except for me.”

“Spirits, Katara…” Y/N set an amiable hand on her shoulder and squeezed, hoping that her softened expression could say what her words couldn’t. “My village was invaded when I was young, too. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.”

She nodded pensively but managed to meet her eyes with an appreciative smile. “Thank you. I’m sorry about your village as well.” Her gaze drifted off, once again taking in the view around them, and when Katara met her eyes again she seemed better. “But we’re here now, and I’m planning to take advantage of everything I can, starting with all this food. Which one of these is your favorite?”

Y/N grinned as Katara pointed at the platter of various dishes in front of them. “Oh, you’ve got to try this. See that giant crab up there? That’s what this is, and you have not lived until you have tried Northern crab.”

Conversation flowed just as easily through the rest of the night between the two girls, occasionally switching to include Sokka and Yue and eventually Aang once he returned. Between the swells of pride whenever they laughed at her jokes, getting to learn about all three of them, and the almost palpable euphoria in the air, Y/N was sure of one thing:

This was the happiest she had felt in a long time. She could only hope it would last.

-

perm tag list: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77

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atla: @marianne1806

[kaebedom-me]

You ask and you shall receive lmao

Can I request nsfw poly!Ch💙ya with childe and Kaeya both being mermaids. Reader being male or gn, whichever is easier for you. If this is too specific or you have any like questions or smth, just DM me!

if nobody got me in my inbox, at least i can count on tumblr user 0 miles away [crying emoji]

forgive me, if i ever seem like im repeating myself a lot because i forget what i've written but here goes!

they're mermaids from different waters,,,

childe's from the colder or freezing regions of waters since he's from snezhnaya

kaeya's from the abyss waters. he'd be the most beautiful most fucking terrifying mermaid you've ever seen because he comes from the really deep seas. so yes, his fins look like those nightmare-ish deep sea creatures

hhh FUCK it's so scary and sharp and long!! but when the moonlight hits it juuust right, his tail looks like the night sky and it's so pretty it could bring you to tears

kaeya's tail is so long, much longer than childe's but childe's is stronger and faster

mermaids from the snezhnaya waters are known for their strength and speed but since childe enjoys fighting and all he's extra stronks

kaeya moves slower, isn't as strong but that's ok because he usually blinds prey with his beauty. that and i also feel like he can paralyse and poison his preys

if you could leisurely explore the deep sea, you still wouldnt be able to see kaeya a lot because he hides himself away from other creatures, if he needs to hunt, his tail would be out and that's pretty much all you'd see

so people think he's a serpent or a really long kind of creature

childe hunts with his bare teeth and hands lmao why use weapons and be classy when you can tear thru your prey amirite

childe is friends with kaeya because one time he swam down so deep he happens across kaeya who was chilling out of his hiding spot for once

hh I'll do your request before i get carried away because hdsdfdh chxxya???? MERMAIDS?????

i think childe is a little bit like Ariel, curious about humans (curious to see if he can fight them) (spoilers: yes and he'd win)

kaeya's more indifferent to them. they're not particularly fascinating creatures, nor are they nutritious to him. they don't offer him anything but he won't harm them

so i like to think childe's the one that introduces you to kaeya

it takes forever to convince kaeya because kaeya doesn't care for humans shdffdfh

but when he does meet you, he enjoys your company :)

i was never a monster fucker but something about kaeya and childe just,,,,,, [eyes emoji]

so anyway it doesn't matter your gender, i just want you to know that being in a sexual poly relationship with them can be summed up as "Too Many Dicks"

they each have two like sharks :)

childe's is thicker and sturdier but kaeya's longer :)

that's four fucking dicks dude tf

there's also a lot of tail, there's only two but because kaeya's so long it feels like a lot

kaeya wrapping his tail around you while he's fucking you [eyes emoji]

for my breeding kink fans out there, i like to think when they ejaculate it's like a slimy substance but when they want to breed they'd pump eggs into you for you to incubate

they're also bigger,,,,

cuz my size kink said so. they're bigger, not quite foul legacy big but they're almost as big as a shark uwu

this is MY AU I DO WHAT I WANT

but right, poly relationship

being in a relationship with two mermaids is sometimes a struggle since not being able to breathe underwater and all but that's ok because they can come hang with you on the shore

reverse little mermaid where you become a mermaid at the end because you love they [bottom emoji]

oooo but say you're a marine biologist or a marine researcher or someone that just likes the sea and is around the sea a lot, so you'd stay near the water so they can come visit you whenever they want

sometimes they take you away to nice caves so they can cuddle you and not be seen by other humans

childe likes to bring you things that he finds, like pearls or pretty shells

kaeya told him specifically to bring those because otherwise childe will 1000% bring you dead fish that has a bite out of it because he hunted it just for you LMAO

if you like seafood though it wouldn't be a problem

kaeya once he warms up to you is the clingiest mother fucker, he will not let you have alone time, he constantly has his tail around you so he can steal your body heat

since he's down in the depths a lot, heat sources are lesser to come by, so when you become his, you also unintentionally signed up to be his personal heater HAHAHAH

he's not cold he just enjoys feeling your warmth

but lmao since they're mermaids they don't know about human mating, you'd have to teach them

imagine very scary very intimidating mermen learning about foreplay and aftercare

luckily for you, they're perceptive and learn quick

also they care a lot for you uwu

imagine stripping for the first time, and they ask you why you only have 1 penis, where do they go?, isn't mating specifically for breeding? humans do this for fun?

childe gets addicted to sex after the first few times because you opened his eyes to something for pleasurable

he tells you after the first time y'all had sex, "I understand dolphins now" HAHHAHAHAH

kaeya's a little reluctant at first because just why? but he too lowkey gets addicted to sex uwu

but generally, it's a very sweet relationship, they try their best to take care of you

childe's usually very eager to bring you to cool places he's been so he can show you cool stuff

and kaeya just likes to be in your company