#I feel guilty for existing and idk how to process the possibility of having another disorder

[dumborangecat]

i take your idea of a villainous Simon and raise you: a simon who caused the horrific end of the human world and the Great Mushroom War, or an equivalent magical disaster, ON PURPOSE. Maybe he decided that humanity was just too much and it was time to wipe the board clean, or this was a Simon just a smidge more vindictive and bitter than usual, but either way he ended humanity on purpose?

Ahhhhh! I love this idea! I spent a while trying to come up with motives or reasons Simon (or canon Simon atleast) would do something like that and the best one i could think of was maybe something to do with Betty, Such as Betty leaving simon (through the time portal, or maybe just running away) causing the Crown’s ‘craziness’ to happen way faster and Simon getting super mad (or sad) about her leaving coupled with his deteriorating mental state causes him to use his ice powers in order to like freeze a massive area around him, like the entire country, or maybe even the entire earth and causing another ice age

Or if it was maybe a more calculated/thought out move, possibly during the mushroom war, before the bomb hit (but close to it) Simon could tell this would only get worse, and the war would destroy not only most of humanity but also have massive ecological effects, and overall just be a horrible thing, and because of this he decides to stop everything ,before it can get any worse, by just freezing everyone.

I think the idea of Simon intentionally (or even accidentally) freezing earths entire population (or most of it atleast) would be super interesting, and the effect it would have on ice king (once he reaches that state) could also be neat to think about. Because by freezing everyone, he’d have doomed himself to pretty much live on earth, alone, for basically all of eternity. He’d have no marceline to take care of, or empress to keep him company (and brainwash him but still) or even princesses to kidnap. He’d be entirely alone. This would obviously affect ice king as a large part of his character and problems is how lonely he is, it’s (part of) why he kidnaps princesses and it’s later ‘solved’ when Finn, Jake, and the gang start actually hanging out with him. But seeing an ice king who can’t even remember what it’s like to not be lonely, who has no memories of having even 1 person or thing to talk to (even if their unwilling) would be interesting. Depending on what the freezing of earth did to the environment he might not even have gunter, or any of his penguins.

A good question with this though is when did he freeze/otherwise doom (but considering his ice powers probably freeze) everyone? Was it just after he got the crown and Betty ‘abandoned’ him, leaving him alone and unable to properly process his feelings? was it later on during the war when all of humanity was fighting eachother? or was it even later then that, once the mushroom bomb had gone off, maybe even once he was travelling with marcy? How would she react to seeing that (if she survives, but she’s a demon she maybe would)? What’s either of them supposed to do now that everyone and everyone thing else is (presumably) dead?

Also does Ooo still somehow emerge after this? If it does how is it different? Obviously Finn won’t be there, and since Dogs may have been wiped out by the freeze Jake might not either, but does the Mother gum still exist? (depending on when the freeze happens) Does maceline survive? would she just die at the end of her mortal lifespan if there’s no vampires (unless they still emerge due to idk plot reasons or something) or would she end up like farmworld marcy, all old and withered? Are there still all of the other princesses? What about Prismo? he seems to be just a normal human when you see his sleeping body, would he be created some other way? or just cease to exist?

How does being alone in the wasteland affect Simon? especially with him knowing it’s his fault, does he feel guilty about what he’s done? Maybe he does feel guilty, but also believes it was for the best, a necessary sacrifice. If he’s a more bitter ‘evil’ Simon that normal does he not care that he’s killed litterally everyone? Maybe he does care, but not because ‘oh no, i just murdered thousands of people’ but instead ‘oh no, i just doomed myself to centuries of isolation’, maybe he’s forced to deal with the fact that (atleast until he becomes ice king snd probably forgets everything) that his current misery and loneliness is entirely his fault. Does all this maybe lead to a staright up evil ice king?

(If such a universe were to appear in fionna and cake) how would Canon Simon react to seeing this more evil but also tormented version of him, how would Simon who’s presumably been alone for centuries with nothing but his own thoughts and festering guilt, react to seeing not just people again, but a version of himself who (in comparison) is living his dream life?

Sorry for rambling, I just loved your idea, it has so much potential for different scenarios/ways to play out and how it affects things and people in the future, namely Simon/ice king.

[alyjojo]

Thinking of You - March 🥺 2024 - Aquarius

Whole of their energy towards Aquarius: The Sun

Feelings: King of Pentacles

Intentions: 7 Swords

Actions: 2 Wands

Someone is really immature, but they like you a lot. Could be physically attracted to you, I’m not seeing any deep feelings here. I’m not sure if they have the emotional bandwidth for that, it’s kinda one level with them. But, you make them really happy, being around you makes them feel good…maybe a little turned on ngl. Their feelings being King of Pentacles, not a “feely” sort of king, he’s about the practical, work, finances, what he can change and control in his world. Could work a lot, run a business, either is or “acts like” a professional business sort of personality. Money is important to them. They may not talk to you because they like you, or because you do. Could be someone at work trying to keep their mouth shut and act professional, but they do.

Either one of you is flirty and forward with the other one, it’s either known that someone is attracted, or this person feels it but holds all of that back because *they* deem it as immature. But they may give you some sort of opportunity that means something worthwhile, or you do. It’s possible this person has been really immature being angry or triggered about something with you, and you’re finding out about it, now they feel bad. In any story, they feel guilty. They aren’t accountable though 🙄 this is someone that slinks around like a snake in the grass, hiding in corners, avoiding people and tough conversations because…immature. If they wait *long enough* everything will be fine. They think. You should pop out and say BOO with some of their bs, watch them run 😁 EX drama came out on your side, could be an ex or it just exists for you generally, maybe they know that. Or that’s what the apology is about. Someone wants to apologize but won’t actually. They plan on it, they want to move forward, they may even have something all typed up ready to go (like they’re gonna face you, no), but they don’t send it. This is regarding an apology, Apology is what came out to describe this. You mean a lot to them, however you know them, and they feel guilty for being a flirt, being an ass, messing around idk. It’s a waiting game with this one, I don’t see you doing anything.

Messages:

Their side:

- Light of my Life 🕯️

- You are everything to me!

Your side:

- Shy 🙈

- EX Drama

Possible signs:

Aries & earth 🌍

If you’re dealing with:

Knight of Swords, with loving cards too, you are open and very truthful with the people you care about, whether it’s telling them how you feel (Page of Cups underneath), or calling them on their shit. With love 💙 You take action with your people and make them a priority, making plans to visit & see each other. Or you are this month anyway. You may be spreading around some good news, or something good you’ve waited on is happening this month.

Aries - talking a lot about work or family, a good friend or someone you gossip with 🗣️

Taurus - done with the drama, you care about them but like…time out until you chill out mmk

Gemini - heartbroken you went in another direction, could be some levels of bs involved, or switch it

Cancer - always thinking they’re getting away with something, the opposite of Knight of Swords, you might crush them - or have before

Leo - this person comes off as attractive, sweet, appealing, lovebomby af, you’re not confident about this…I asked why and got Queen of Swords (bc you’re not stupid 😆), you’re on guard 💯

Virgo - could have some kind of feelings but they don’t know how to process or deal with it, emotions are just a burden…love sure, but that’s only one

Libra - a very strong soul connection you’ve had for a long time, there’s mutual love here

Scorpio - waiting for nothing, you’re not sleeping with them, may not even be into them

Sagittarius - stressed out about something the two of you are trying to create and whether it’s going to work out or not - or that’s just them

Capricorn - may pop out for a second and then go back into their hidey hole - The Hermit

Aquarius - working together with you, could be patient with rules or letting you lead on something, maybe something they don’t even know about and you do so…lead on

Pisces - could have issue with kids, running around from A to B, could need a babysitter, they’ve got a lot on their plate and could use a hand, if you’re willing 🖐️ idk if they’ll ask

[cosmo-spams]

why do I feel so guilty man

[lovethisletters]

Poly MC! hc for the: Demon Brothers!

This is my first time writing anything about poly relationships! So I'm a bit nervous! I took the time to do a bit of research about the subject...however I still have a lot to learn; if you find anything that might be offensive please let me know! Just know I didn't do it with any ill intentions and I'll make sure to correct my mistakes!

Also I didn't knew if you refered to a poly MC who is in a relationship with all of the brothers or how each individual brother would react to MC coming out as poly to them and later starting a poly relationship and how they behave in said relationship...so I did the latter bc I found it to be a bit more easy to write and the first option would have been way too long and I was worried it might come off as boring because of it :c (but maybe I'll try to edit it and then upload it...some day...idk)

so...here it is!

Keys: MC = your main character name

Summary: MC comes out as poly to the Demon Brothers and how they behave in a poly relationship!

Additional notes: MC is gender neutral!

TW: small mentions or implications of jealous/possessive behavior (they're very minimal, but still...just in case)

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Lucifer

Lucifer is probably the one you're the most nervous to talk to.

But when you finally find the courage to do so it goes...to put it mildly, a bit... weird.

He stares blankly at you like you just said to him that water is a liquid or something, he's not very...responsive.

His reaction might come off as rude, considering you spend all this time trying to figure out the "best" way to come out and talk about the possibility of starting a poly relationship.

But the reason why he's not talking much is because he's trying to avoid saying anything he might regret later, you see... he's trying to process his own feelings towards the matter.

Lucifer is someone who has lived for a long, looooooong time, so it's more likely than not that he's already experienced being in a poly relationship.

thing is...such relationship was more experimentation rather than something serious.

And now he has you...someone for who he'll be willing to die for...

He won't say it but deep down he feels like his pride has been bruised.

He just doesn't want to "share" you, you're his and his alone!

But when he looks up at you, and see just how nervous you are, waiting patiently for any kind of reaction from him.

He realizes he's thinking of you as an object and not a person and mentally kicks himself in the face for it.

Lucifer reaches for your hand and offers you a small smile.

After a long conversation where you two express your own desires and worries, you two agree and decide to give it a try.

At first... I'm not gonna lie...it would be quite... difficult...

The man is possessive and struggles to see you giving any kind of affection to any of his brothers.

However I think he genuinely wants this to work, he wants to see you happy and knows that just because you also love his brothers doesn't mean you love him any less.

So he'll sit down and talk to you whenever he feels jealous, he knows communication is key and it honestly makes him feel a bit better.

With time Lucifer comes to accept it; He loves you and he loves his brothers and it makes him happy that they all can share such bond with you.

Mammon

I think he's the one who'll have a harder time adapting to a poly relationship.

I'll even go as far to say Lucifer's jealousy pales in comparison to Mammon's and I think this is due to his low self-esteem.

He won't accept it but he's jealous af when he sees you "getting cozy" with any of his brothers.

He'll even interrupt the moment by placing himself in the middle of whoever you were getting close to or think about some lame excuse to take you away.

This makes things more difficult and tense for everyone, so if Mammon continues his shenanigans expect a LOT more arguing from the brothers...(yes...more than normal...)

You'll have to sit him down and talk to him about his insecurities.

The first times he won't be very open with you, I think he might even get a bit angry if you even imply he's jealous and act all offended and walk out of the room.

Surprisingly the one who makes him understand how toxic he's being and how much this affects you is Asmo!

He'll have a serious talk with him, and just the fact of seeing his often bubbly and cheerful young bro being all serious is enough for Mammon to realize that what he's been doing and how he's been acting hurts you and his brothers.

He'll apologize...the Mammon way...

But ultimately he now makes an effort to respect whenever you're close to one of his brothers.

Just like Lucifer. Mammon will come to accept you love him and his brothers all the same.

He'll sometimes even suggest places you all can go together for a date.

Please, be patient with the avatar of greed with time he will come to accept that love exist in more than one way or form.

Leviathan

Surprisingly, unlike his older brothers, your favorite shut-in-otaku has an easier time adapting to a poly relationship.

Easier, however does not mean problems are inexistent...

He has a low self-esteem and sometimes might get the feeling that you're ""picking favorites""

However he won't tell you anything about it, and he'll just try to pretend like nothing is wrong.

Fortunately for you, Levi is quite easy to read so you immediately notice whenever he's feeling sad.

But all you have to do is have a little gaming session with him, and as the two of you "game" the night away he'll eventually open up to you about whatever is bothering him.

All it takes is a little reassurance and saying "I love you" to the avatar of envy from time to time and he'll be all good with you showing affection to the rest of his brothers.

Satan

Uhhhh...this is a tricky one...

You see...Satan is probably the second brother you came out to and perhaps you didn't even realized that you did because it just happened so natural.

The two of you were talking and it just slipped out of your mouth and he was like "hahaha, right?" And continued the conversation as normal.

He genuinely doesn't care, (don't get me wrong I don't mean that in a bad way) but all he knows is that he loves you and he wants you to be happy, and if expanding the love that the two of you have to his brothers makes you happy, then so be it!

However... remember I said this was tricky?

Satan has no issue with you being affectionate with his brothers...all of them except for Lucifer...

When he sees you getting close to Lucifer he won't say anything, he won't make a scene or a passive-agressive remark, he'll just excuse himself and exit the room. (Neither he will confront you about it later when the two of you are alone)He won't say anything at all; he'll just stay silent and pretend like nothing is wrong.

However you'll be able to notice Satan's true feelings whenever Lucifer has a small present or gesture with you.

Oh? Lucifer gifted you a $300,000 coat? Well, Satan will give you another coat but this one is $600,000.

Lucifer treated you to dinner at ristorante six? Well, darling... guess what? Satan will reserve the entire building just for you!

At some point he will notice how bad this makes you feel, since he's turning a relationship into a competition and that's no good...

He'll eventually take a step back and realize how childish he's being, how his behavior hurts your feelings and might have even made you feel guilty or responsible for his beef with his older brother.

Before you even decide to talk to him about it, he already knows what you're trying to say, so he'll be the one to sit you down and apologize for his wrongdoings.

You're someone who he values dearly and all that he wants is for you to be happy, so he'll be willing to make the effort to get along or at least be a little more tolerant of Lucifer.

There might be times where they still fight and stop talking to each other for long periods of time, but the two of them will take the time to let you know that this has nothing to do with you and that there's no reason for you tu feel guilty.

Because if there's something in wich both, the avatar of pride and wrath agree in... Is in how much they love you.

Asmodeus

Asmodeus (definitely) was the first one to know about you being polyamorous.

He probably knew before you even said anything, let's be honest here...

He's probably the one who you're more comfortable talking about it.

The brothers accept you, yes...but Asmo understands you!

He knows that the world can be quite cruel to people who love differently to what our society stablish as "normal".

Whenever he expressed his liking for more than one person he was shamed or labeled as someone promiscuous who'll never be deserving of "true" love.

It happened in the celestial realm, in the human realm, and even sometimes here in the devildom.

Angels where expected to only focus in the lord and nothing else, some humans are close minded and shame whoever is different from them, and demon's often confuse love with obsession and get easily tangled up in possessive behavior, often viewing their partners as objects rather than individuals with their own goals and desires. (his brothers are the perfect example of that)

So he just knows how difficult it might have been for you to find acceptance.

So he gives it to you; acceptance, reassurance, however many times you need to.

He'll be the one to encourage you to talk with his brothers, he'll be there to support you if you ever feel nervous, and he'll be the one to call his brothers out on their bs whenever they start to show any signs of toxic behavior.

He knows in all relationships communication and trust in your partners is key to a successful relationship, so he reminds this to everyone and even goes as far as to make plans where everyone feels included.

Overall the avatar of lust is the voice of reason in this relationship, because he knows better than anyone else that love is something that can't and should never be limited by what others believe or expect "true love" should look like.

Beelzebub

You weren't sure how Beel would react once you told him.

But still you were pleasantly surprised by Beel's reaction!

He was so accepting from the beginning and even thanked you for trusting him enough to share this with him.

He's happy that you want him to form part of this relationship.

He knows his brothers love you as much as he does and that you love them back, so he sees this as the perfect option for everyone.

He even thinks this relationship has brought everyone closer together.

Over all the avatar of gluttony is more than happy to be with you and share your affection with people he holds equally as dearly.

Belphegor

Belphie, much like Lucifer struggles to understand why would you want such a thing?

Is his love not enough for you?

It takes little more time for him to understand you, and learn that love doesn't just limits to one person.

He can be a bit insensitive some times, so he might accidentally say something hurtful to you about it.

And that's when Asmo has to intervene...

He'll have a talk with his younger brother and make him realize that there's more than one form of love and how his words might have hurt you.

He'll apologize...(much like Mammon) in his own way...

After thinking about it for a while, he realizes he's happy whenever you show affection to Beel, and wonders if it would be the same with the rest of his brothers.

Slowly but surely, Belphie it's more open to this new relationship.

There'll be times where he might try to monopolize your love, but he'll stop once you, Beel or Asmo call him out on it.

His favorite thing of this new relationship is whenever you spend time with him and Beel.

Please be patient with the avatar of sloth.

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If you find any grammatical errors let me know! I'm trying to improve my english and that would help me so so much!

I will forever thank you if you go check out my other profile: @aileysmirnov  where I post things about my OC: edits, one-shots, imagines, art, etc. If you like Greek mythology and the bat family maybe you would get to be as fond of her as much as I am!

Anyway, thank you for reading!

[charcolor]

ok how do you come up with song ideas? what’s ur process? i’ve always admired how quickly and consistently you put out songs. i have to like scrap most of mine and do a billion iterations and it takes me forever enfjgjg

i'm glad you don't mind that i make songs fast sfsfsf...sometimes i feel guilty that i don't spend enough time on it so i'm glad they still sound good

my process kinda depends on what the song is...idk how to explain how i come up with song ideas. usually if it's something i think about a lot i decide to try to express it as lyrics. um some examples are

grieving my deceased loved ones and having episodes where i believe god is trying to hurt me specifically -> developing a grudge against hypothetical god and thinking things like "i want to go up there and kill god" -> "hey a song about killing god would be pretty cool. also my gf has similar feelings to me so it should also be gay" -> fallen angels mafia

i kinda want to make a song that gets marked as explicit on the vocaloid lyrics wiki -> also i've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts about my eating habits + body image too. i should vent this and twist this to be as graphic as possible so they can become edgy lyrics -> feast upon a starfish is in fact marked as explicit on the vocaloid lyrics wiki.

wow that one scene in the animaniacs 2020 it parody episode was kinda intense i can't believe they showed yakko warner having a panic attack on screen -> not to read too much into animaniacs but i wonder if the warners ever have an existential crisis about becoming obsolete and forgotten as cartoon characters and effectively erased from existence -> yes "i never liked silent cartoons" was originally gonna be an animaniacs fan song.

a lot of times when i write lyrics i just vent about stuff and then twist it into a weird metaphor so it's not so on the nose.

like a line from one of my songs (little girl) is "drown it out with melting sugar" which basically means "i eat Bad Foods to cope with my sadness." another one is "hollow bones rotting my dreams" which was an extremely convulted way of saying "it makes me upset thinking about how gross my teeth probably are." a lot of lyrics in little girl are just me feeling guilty about my bad eating habits.

also i have too many OCs so i end up thinking of their storylines and wanting to express them in songs bc that's the only creative expression i can rely on. as much as i'd like to make a valentine's day visual novel i don't think i have what it takes but i made rip valentine so i can at least talk about the characters in that context yknow?

unfortunately i'm not super good at storytelling in my lyrics so i havent really made any other songs about OCs (starfish and lalia don't count cuz i made them specifically for their respective songs) but i am working on a song series about some of my OCs and i also have vague ideas about songs i'd like to make in the future such as (these are all working titles):

the magical girl moral dilemma: song about kira and diana's duty to protect the world from evil vs camille's belief that evil has to exist in order for the world to have balance, and the utopia they're fighting for can never exist without hurting people

friday the 14th: sequel to rip valentine about alicia's fears that ciel will get hurt, and ciel wanting to help alicia feel safe and loved

uh. and more

btw i ALSO have a bunch of scraps i think it'd be fun to share them sometime...

[exoczn]

VERTIGO || CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER ONE • CHAPTER TWO • CHAPTER THREE • CHAPTER FOUR

m.list

Pairing: Mark Lee x Reader x Yuta

Genre: Angst, Fluff

warnings: none for this chapter

Plot: what happens when you feel like a failure yet again like always and you’re not enough in a new city and accidentally meet a stranger who is broken himself but changes your life along with his own by a short encounter near the Vancouver river

————————————————

   You woke around afternoon because you slept at 3:30 am and spent the last night listening to soft alternative music, drinking cheap wine and looking at the sky; it wasn’t starry in particular but you always liked nights like this.

   You get up to make coffee for yourself and your phone buzzes. 

Yuta: Heyyy 

Yuta: The party thing is still on, right??

 You suddenly realise that it's Saturday and start panicking. You go to your closet and start finding something to wear but you’re too confused and you feel nothing looks that good according to you. So you call Yuta immediately.

he picks up after 3 rings 

 "hello?? y/n, what's up? don’t say you can’t make it and break my heart.” he chuckles.

 “Hey no! I won't do something like that yEt but well anyway that's not why I called you. I called you because I’m confused as to what should i wear and i wanted to ask you, uhhh 

what would you be wearing?”

 “well it's just a bunch of rich kids renting an airbnb and throwing a party, nothing fancy?  He sighs and continues  “I’m literally so excited to see you again idk why but can’t wait”

You try for it to not affect you that much and stop yourself from smiling that much and continue “Yes me too”

  “anyway y/n I’ll pick you up around 10:30?”

“sure”

——————————————————————

 You started getting ready around 9 after having some leftovers from last night. You were wondering about how things in your life were going pretty smoothly and how Yuta was everything you wanted in a guy. It really had been a week since met him and he texted you the night you met him in the coffee shop. 

  You both talked about music, anime, how you felt about the city, he talked about japan and his old neighborhood where he grew up and realized you both were going to the same university and Mark too. 

   You looked yourself in the mirror. You were wearing your 560 levi’s and a black cropped tank with your chelsea boots. You wore silver hoops and a small lock necklace. You were about to finish your look with a clear lipgloss when you heard your doorbell ring and figured who it might be. 

 You finished applying your gloss quickly and rushed to open the door and saw him standing there with a smug smile on his face and his pretty eyes. His eyes were almost too pretty. He was wearing a black shirt with a pair of light washed jeans as well.

 “Oh my goodness you’re looking almost as pretty as me” he said, widening his eyes with an open mouth smile showing his perfect teeth.

Why is he so pretty? What's happening to you y/n?

 You rolled your eyes while laughing and said “ha ha ha right” sarcastically. 

  “And look! We’re matching! No wait… you copied me”

 “We’re matching, yes. I copied you, it's not even possibly possible einstein.” 

 “But anyway y/n, you look- “

  “Amaaazing, i know.” you both laughed.

  “Now, shall we?” He held out his hand and you took it.

-----

  You enter the place and see a tall guy with brown hair walking up to the two of you with a huge smile and hugs Yuta.

  “y/n this is Johnny, johnny this is y/n.”

    “Dude wow! She pretty pretty- “

  “TOLD YA” Yuta says while shrugging 

  “Hi Johnny and thanks” you shake his hand and smile.

 “Hey John, where's Mark?” 

 “You know he hates parties, he's probably in the balcony or somewhere drinking his beer.”

 You weren't much fond of parties yourself but you came anyway as you already had no social life here and didn't know anyone else other than Sehun who lived in front of you and Kaitlyn your college friend.  

  You played a round of beer pong with Yuta, Johnny, Taeyong (his other ‘bro’) and some other people. At this point you were somewhat tipsy and wanted to have some water. So you went to the kitchen to get some water for yourself and for some reason the kitchen was somewhat dark but illuminated by the light coming from outside so you didn't bother to switch on the lights. 

You walk inside, you hear somebody “Y/n?” You jump

  “MARK???!!” 

 “Yes its me, calm down.”

 “MY HEART WAS GONNA COME OUT OF MY CHEST, YOU DUMBASS!” you almost screamed

 “I'm sorry I must've startled you” he chuckles.

 “No shit sherlock”  you roll your eyes and he starts laughing, it's almost like he's squeaking. It's cute. 

 After he stops, there's awkward silence between the two of you. You gulp down the water in your glass.

  “So how are things going between you and Yuta?” he finally asks. 

  “Good” you nod your head “great, I mean. He’s a nice guy and he's funny but very cocky. I think that's why I like him that much.”

 He chuckles again “I know he can get very cocky but it is indeed funny. He might look like an asshole to people or intimidation but he's a good guy.”

  “What’s up with your ex thing btw? Do you still miss her or-” you try to make conversation and also you were genuinely curious about how he is coping up with it because the first time you saw him, he looked pathetic.

  “Oh no no i don't anymore, i don't care about her anymore and i've realized that the whole dating shit is not for me i guess. Plus i like being alone now, it's comforting and i don't have to worry about ‘how to tell her that i hate being around her friends’ thing.” 

 “Right” 

 “Also did i tell you that you look good with that haircut.”

 “Thanks” you smile. “My brother thinks i look like a 7th grader.”

 “No wayyyy. It suits you” he gives a genuine smile”

 You thank him and then you remember “Oh Yuta, Johnny and your other friends were looking for you!”

  You leave the kitchen with Mark and you see Yuta, Taeyong and Johnny near the staircase.

You walk to them and Yuta says “Oh markkk where were you? I’ve been looking for you since I walked in.” 

  “I was uh-”

  “y/n where’d you find him and where were you ???” yuta asks you this time.

  “I went to get water in the kitchen and i saw him there.”

   Yuta got asked, “Oh.. are you fine??!!” 

  You noticed him completely ignoring the other three’s existence which made you feel special but guilty for some reason. 

You shook your thoughts away and replied

  “Uhm yes i don't know, i'm good, just a little exhausted.”

  “Should i take you home?”  

  “No, it's fine, I can take the train and go back on my own.” 

  “It's not safe at this hour, I'll drop you.”

   With that you both take off after saying goodbyes to johnny, mark and taeyong. 

 ---------------------

MARKS POV/

 After y/n and Yuta left,, Taeyong went to get smirnoff and 

 Johnny asked,”Hey Mark! Uhm why do you like y/n by any chance too?” 

  He caught me off guard by asking that and there were sirens ringing in my head and i didn’t know how to respond to it but i knew that lying wouldn't be a sensible option because he would easily catch me in seconds but i still tried to act as if i didn't know what he was talking about and said

 “W-what makes you think that?” I fake laughed.

 “Listen bro idk how others didn't notice but you know you were being quite obvious. Like when he rushed next to her to ask if she's okay, your face screamed that you were sooo jealous, i don't know what you plan on doing next but i really suggest you talk to her about it bro.”

 “man, i thought of it kinda and tried asking her about what's up with the whole situation and honestly, she seemed to really like him and well i don't wanna get into whatever they have for each other by confessing it to her and like i don't even know her so it's just plain weird for me to think of anything.” I tried to justify what I was doing to him and it felt more like trying to justify myself. 

  I went ahead and told johnny about how we actually met and how back then i was a coward and not smart enough to say anything but i realized i didn't really get a chance to say something to her and started wondering about what johnny said. 

Was it that obvious? What am i trying to do? Am I a bad friend? 

 ------------------------------------

  You reached your building around 1ish and Yuta tried to ask you out on another date but this time he said it'd be a proper just you-and-him-alone-date and you thought it'd be cool because so far things were going too well and you liked him too.  

 It was weird for you to process how vocal he was about his feelings for you and you realized that's probably the most attractive thing about him, he wasn't playing games with your feelings like you're used to otherwise and it was nice for a change. 

    You would have your mind wondering about mark once a while but you’d force yourself to tap back into reality.  

[fairycosmos]

TRIGGER WARNING : I know you're not a psychiatrist tbh I just need to vent and I really like you so yea, I've come to the conclusion that I am what everyone thought I was which is a lazy little bitch using depression and suicidal thoughts as an excuse to be lazy I use to feel guilty but idc anymore it just shows there's no hope for me at all the only problem is I don't have the guts to shoot myself in the head and it's the last option I have Im sorry I just don't know who to turn to

hey dude. i’m sorry to hear you’re hurting so much right now. i know it’s a complex and personal issue that words alone can’t solve, but i still hope you’re open to some comfort, some alternative narratives to center your thoughts around. and idk just a few words from someone who can understand to an extent....i think first and foremost it’s a good idea to ask yourself, when you’re in the right state of mind to, where all of this self loathing is actually coming from. whether it’s grounded in anything substantial. it’s important to remember that a massive part of depression is feeling like you’re faking, over-exaggerating, using it as an excuse etc. i’ve heard a lot of people with mental illness echo the same sentiment. and the fact that you feel this way, so violently negatively towards yourself, indicates that you ARE struggling with a much deeper problem. but we’re taught to overlook it and to blame ourselves, partially due to society’s attitude regarding mental illness. in short we’re conditioned to feel like we’re lazy and worthless if we can’t produce labor and profit, or if something prevents us from doing so, but that’s merely a capitalist myth. those around you have internalized its message and are now projecting it onto you. but now that you recognize that fact, you can begin dismantling that belief system in your own head. cause in actuality, it’s got nothing to do with you or your value as a person. it’s the system that’s the issue, and the way it sees human life as nothing more than a means to an end, when people are so much more than that. you are so much more than that. you’re not here to constantly please everyone or to be some emotionless machine. so anyone who was judging you by that standard is fkn deluded and their opinion doesn’t hold much weight to begin with. then there’s also the stigma surrounding depression itself. people who’ve never experienced it don’t get how debilitating it is to live with. how it doesn’t just prevent people from working, how it prevents people from progressing in all areas of their lives when it’s left unacknowledged. which is why the answer isn’t to hurt yourself, it’s to admit to what hurts. this isn’t a matter of personal failure, or of laziness. it’s an illness, something that needs to be confronted head on with time, treatment, and self help in order to move beyond it. it’s just as serious as any physical ailment, but you don’t have to beg anyone to understand that.  you’re going through so much just by getting through the day and the fact that you’re still here counts for so much. i promise, you are not your negative thoughts. your mind is just trying to get you to stay in the cycle of self hatred > self destruction > self hatred so that you feel more discouraged and less likely to seek the support you need, even though that could be the one thing that would break the repetitive pattern. idk who made you believe that you are this bad and unforgivable person but i hope you know that it is genuinely, truly possible to grow beyond that way of thinking. it may take time, and it may feel unreachable right now, but change is honestly constant especially if you seek it out. the way you see yourself in five years will not mirror the way you see yourself now, you know? this is all a process and as long as you’re getting through it, you’re doing so much better than you realize. 

it’s ok to recognize all of that and to still feel like shit, to still feel like giving up sometimes. sadness, anger, pain - they’re exhausting and terrifying, but you don’t have to push those emotions away. though they don’t have to control all of your actions either. because they’re never as permanent as they feel. part of being suicidal is thinking in a black and white fashion, where everything has to be all or nothing. but it doesn’t. there’s a lot of nuance and a lot of different choices you can make, if you just breathe and keep yourself in a safe environment above all else. like i said, you’re living with an illness and bad days are a natural part of that. but having the tools to be able to cope with them in a healthy way could make all the difference. and that IS an option for you, even if you can’t see it right now. are you currently seeing a mental health professional? if not, i’d really really suggest looking into that before you make any permanent and heavy handed decisions about whether or not it’s worth it to stay alive. seriously, even if you’re unable to see a therapist at the moment - there are depression/suicide hotlines you can call who can help you with the next step, there may be support groups in your area, your doctor may be able to refer you to a counselor. you are capable of reaching out, as proven with this message, which is a really good sign. and building routines around personal self help and finding what works for you would be a step in the right direction, too. there is so much that can be done in terms of identifying what you feel the way you feel, relearning how to treat yourself, developing a support network over a period of time, opening up to make room to heal - it’s possible. i promise it is. it’s possible to live a full, stable life that you’re proud of despite having depression. if you have any trusted loved ones, now may also be a good time to talk to them about whats going on. i’m sure they want to have the chance to be there for you, and it’s alright to lean on them when you need it. you’re clearly in a very emotional state right now so i don’t blame you if you can’t bring yourself to believe me, but i hope it’s an idea you can keep revisiting. because really what my main point is, is that you deserve to stay alive regardless the fact that you’re dealing with a mental illness. i don’t want to sound cliche but it’s true that nothing would be the same without you, that you’re here for a reason (which you fulfill every day, just by being who you are) and that your presence is far more precious than you know. i’m sorry you were made to feel any different. you get this one life and i would really hate to see you do something you could regret over situations and feelings that can be helped. you are not beyond hope, you are not a lost cause. especially if you live your life as if you’re not. you still exist and that means there are a million different ways things could turn out, the future is ever changing. the present is all you need to worry about. it’s just another symptom of depression to catastrophize and picture everything ending in the worst case scenario, which is something that can also be helped with therapy/practicing mindfulness. anyway, i’m aware that this is getting super long and i’m going to leave some links that may be of some use to you in terms of follow up support, but i’m really begging you. no matter how awful you feel tonight, just allow yourself to breathe through it. cry through it. call someone if it all feels like too much. keep yourself away from anything you could use to harm yourself with. and then wake up tomorrow knowing you have the chance to try again, knowing that that is a good thing, knowing that this moment is not what your whole existence is going to look like. please, please call someone if you think you’re a danger to yourself. even if you have to pick up the phone on autopilot. you mean so much. im sending you a lot of love and hoping you find the self appreciation you deserve. if you ever need a friend please feel free to message me. you’re not on this alone.

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/50/suicide-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts

https://medium.com/@sameoldzen/finding-intrinsic-self-worth-in-a-capitalist-system-7069be072b5b

https://serenitymentalhealthcenters.com/31-coping-skills-for-depression/

[darks-ink]

Artifact - Ectoberweek 2019

I don’t know what about this fic was a worse decision: writing it all in one day, or writing a time loop fic in such a time constraint. Or maybe just writing a time loop fic when I’ve read like, 3 of those, tops.

Rating: General Audiences / K+ Warnings: Time loop shenanigans? As in, the frustration and annoyance that comes with a time loop, I guess. Idk. You ever get caught in a time loop, and nobody bothers to tell you how to fix it? Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Family Words: 6,207 Additional Tags: Alternate universe - canon divergence, One shot, Time loop, Family feels

[AO3] [FFN]

---

Danny clenched his fist, the golden claws of the Reality Gauntlet curving easily with the movement. From this close he could feel the power emanating from the gems, even more so than when he’d just been searching for them. They pulled at Danny’s core, tugged at the fabric of reality itself.

They could not be allowed to exist. The chance that someone evil, someone dangerous, would lay their hands on the Gauntlet… It could not be borne.

He took off the glove, took a steadying breath, and tossed it in the air.

His ecto-blast easily blew the Reality Gauntlet apart, the gems shattering, releasing their hold on existence itself.

Good.

Confident that this whole nightmare was now over, Danny landed, made sure no one was watching, and shifted back to human form. He took his phone out of his pocket, quickly texting Sam and Tucker to tell them that he’d dealt with it.

He looked up as he walked into the kitchen, his parents sitting around the table. They both seemed surprised to see him.

“Hey Danno,” his dad said, frowning a little. “Thought you were leaving on a vacation with Sam and Tucker?”

“Uh, yeah.” He shrugged. “Something came up, so we canceled it.”

“What a shame.” His mom sighed, but then smiled at him. “Well, at least we’ll see a little more of each other this summer, right?”

He swallowed, heavily, guilty suddenly heavy in his stomach. They had accepted him, when they found out, and he made them forget.

“Yes,” he finally said, after entirely too long. “Yeah, I mean… I might be over at Sam’s and Tucker’s a lot, but I’ll be home sometimes.”

Maddie frowned at him a little, her brow creased, but she nodded. “Be sure to tell us if you won’t be home, okay sweetie?”

“Uh huh.” He nodded, swallowing away more guilt cloying in his throat. “I’ll be, uh, upstairs.”

Quickly he turned around, storming out of the kitchen. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t face his parents, knowing that they had loved him despite everything, and that he made them forget.

And as much as he wanted to believe that he had had to, that there was no other way, he knew there was. Because if he could do it for Sam and Tucker, he could’ve done it for his parents, too. Even if he didn’t want them to know about the rest, about the danger his ghost-hunting posed sometimes…

Well, he could just tell them now, couldn’t he?

But, no, he couldn’t. He wasn’t… wasn’t brave enough, to tell them now. Never, not once, had he told his secret; people always found out on their own. Vlad, and Jazz, and now his parents, even if they didn’t remember.

He wanted them to know, but he couldn’t… couldn’t bring himself to tell them.

Oh, if only there was some way out of this!

But life wasn’t like that. It offered no quick and easy solution, no way out. Even if he tracked down Desiree and wished it, she would twist it somehow.

Danny sighed, then threw himself down on his bed. Maybe after a good night’s rest he would be brave enough to tell his parents—or exhausted enough to blurt it out during breakfast. At this point he would take either, really.

---

The screech of an alarm clock woke Danny, and he started and rolled out of his bed. With a groan he swung for the alarm clock, managing to hit the ‘snooze’ button.

He must’ve accidentally switched it back on after yesterday.

Well, looked like he was getting an early start today. No use in going back to bed now, with his body all worked up due to the scare.

Making sure to turn the alarm off properly this time, Danny dressed and shambled down the stairs. The kitchen was noisy when he wandered in, the smell of breakfast heavy in the air.

“Morning, Danny,” Jazz said, glancing up from her book. “You’re up early.”

“Accidentally turned on my alarm,” he admitted, sitting down in his usual spot. “Breakfast smells good, Mom.”

“Thanks, sweetie. And good morning.” She smiled at him, then turned back to the stove to flip a pancake. “It’ll be done soon.”

His dad looked up from the circuitry he was messing with. “Good morning, Danno. Didya at least sleep well?”

Danny paused, thinking back of how he’d been woken in the middle of the night by the Box Ghost. He shrugged. “It was alright.”

“That’s good.” His dad nodded, his eyes going back to the gadget. “You going to meet with your friends today?”

“Uh, yeah, actually.” He got up to grab a plate, realizing that the table was only made for three people. “We’re going over to Sam’s, play some video games, watch some movies, y’know? Waste the day away.”

Jazz clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “Shouldn’t you use your time more carefully, Danny? Not a whole lot of free time during the school year.”

“Yeah, which is why we’re making the most out of the summer.” He cocked an eyebrow at her. “Besides, it’s only one day, Jazz. Plenty of summer to go.”

She made a face, but didn’t argue.

“When can we expect you back, Danny?” His mom plated another pancake, then turned off the burners. “Will you be  back for dinner?”

“Nah, we’re probably gonna order pizza or something.” He shrugged, sitting back down. “Tuck and I are probably gonna sleep over at Sam’s, so I won’t be back until tomorrow.”

“Oh.” Maddie’s smile fell a little, although she quickly wiped the sad expression away again. “Well, at least we’ll have breakfast together.” She put the stack of pancakes down. “Eat up!”

---

Danny laid back, his head resting on his arms. “I would consider that a pretty solid day, all things considered.”

“Does ‘all things’ refer to the canceled vacation, or to Skulker attacking?” Tucker looked up from the PDA he held. “Just asking for clarification.”

“You suck.” He blew a raspberry at his friend. “You know what I meant, Tuck.”

“Nah, I agree with Tucker. Are you comparing it to our gem-hunting vacation or not?” Sam grinned at him, fanning her hand to dry her nails quicker. “It’s an important distinction.”

“I hate you both,” Danny said flatly, “And I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” they both echoed, humor in their voices. Danny was pretty sure they were both smiling, but he had grumpily rolled himself away from them, swaddled in his blanket.

It had been a perfectly ordinary day. His core had hummed with power, but he had blamed the feeling on forgetting what it felt like for him to be well-rested. After all, he’d spent the whole chase basically running himself as dry as he could get, trying to outpace Freakshow and the GiW.

His only regret was that he still hadn’t told his parents. That he had gone as far as to spend the day at Sam’s, just so he could blame that for not telling them.

Coward, he chastised himself. You need to tell them.

And, with that overly kind thought, he fell asleep.

---

An alarm clock went off, startling Danny awake. Swearing, he rolled out of his bed, adrenaline rushing as he went from fast asleep to wide awake in a split second.

He blindly swatted for the alarm clock, accidentally crushing it, still trying to process the situation.

Wait.

Why was he in his room?

He looked around to make sure, and yes, he was in his room. Standing next to his bed, wearing different pajamas than he had when he went to bed.

When he went to bed at Sam’s place.

Quickly tracking down his phone, he flipped it open, frowning at the time. Just past 8 in the morning. Just like yesterday morning, he supposed.

Then his eyes caught on the date, and he felt his stomach plummet.

It was the same date as yesterday.

Alright, no, that was fine. No need to panic. It was clearly all some kind of stupid joke they were playing. Sam and Tucker must’ve arranged something with Jazz, to get him home while he was asleep. Or something.

There was no way they could’ve moved him without waking him up, but he pushed that thought away. No, it must be some kind of joke. There was no way he was reliving yesterday!

He went through his morning rituals, only briefly pausing in front of his closet, staring at his clothes. Finally he settled on the same things he had worn yesterday. If this was a joke—and it was, it had to be—he was going to play along.

When he walked into the kitchen it smelled of pancakes, low conversation quieting as his family spotted him.

“Morning, Danny,” Jazz said, looking up from her book. “You’re up early.”

Danny swallowed heavily, ignoring the way his stomach turned. “Accidentally turned on my alarm,” he managed to tell her. “Breakfast smells good, Mom.”

“Thanks, sweetie. And good morning.” Maddie smiled at him, moving exactly like she’d done yesterday. Like he remembered. “It’ll be done soon.”

“Good morning, Danno.” His dad looked up from the circuitry he was still messing with. Was messing with again. “Didya at least sleep well?”

He’d gone to bed late, as he usually did when he was hanging out with Sam and Tucker. Why go to bed when you were having a good time?

Or was he as well-rested as last time, since technically last night was the one when he’d been woken up by the Box Ghost?

“It was alright,” he finally settled on, figuring he might as well repeat the previous day. He was growing increasingly sure that it wasn’t joke, that it was real, but he refused to acknowledge the possibility.

Even if it was pretty much impossible for everyone to match yesterday so exactly.

“That’s good,” his dad said, nodding. “You going to meet with your friends today?”

“Uh, yeah, actually.” He tried to swallow away the lump in his throat. He didn’t succeed. “We’re, uh. Going over to Sam’s.”

Jazz hummed thoughtfully. Somehow the change was more unsettling than when they had exactly follow the previous day. “Spending time with your friends is good, Danny. What are you guys gonna do?”

He shrugged, thrown off by the change in script. “Not much, probably. It’s only the first day of the summer.”

“I guess that that’s fair. You could use some time to relax.”

“When can we expect you back, Danny?” his mom asked as she plated a pancake. Danny wasn’t sure if he was happy that they had gone back to exactly imitating the previous day or not. “Will you be back for dinner?”

“Uh, probably not? Tuck and I are thinking about sleeping over at Sam’s, so we’ll just order pizza or something.”

“Oh.” Maddie’s face fell, and again, Danny felt the stab of pain at her disappointment. “Well, at least we’ll have breakfast together.”

She put the stack of pancakes down, a smile plastered back onto her face. “Eat up!”

---

Up until the moment he met up with Tucker, Danny was still trying to convince himself that this was just a joke. That this couldn’t be real.

Until Tucker grinned at him, raised a hand, and cheerily went, “Hey dude, what’s up?”

Danny groaned, loudly, and Tucker’s expression immediately grew serious as he hurried over. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s fine, just-- Don’t worry about it. Let’s get to Sam’s.”

“Are you sure?” Tucker frowned at him, head cocked. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Or, well. You know what I mean.”

He laughed a little. “It’s fine, Tuck, I promise. I just want to enjoy today, okay?”

Tucker stared at him a little longer, eyes narrowed. Then, finally, he nodded. “Yeah, alright. Let’s go, before she starts thinking we got ambushed by a ghost.”

“Sam, worry about us?” Danny scoffed as he started walking, the corners of his mouth turned up in a smile. “No way, dude.”

“When did I say she would worry about us?” Tucker shoved Danny, laughing. “She’s gonna be pissed that we fought a ghost without her!”

---

Danny laid flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling above him. Next to him, Tucker was toying with his PDA. On the bed, Sam was painting her nails.

He licked his lips, considering. Last night, he had been the one to start a conversation. Right before he went to bed.

“Hey, guys?” he said, slowly, carefully, measuring out his words. “I love you.”

Tucker looked up from his PDA, smiling. “Aw, dude. Love you too.”

“Yeah, what he said.” Sam grinned at him, fanning her hand to dry her nails. Again. “Love you too, Danny.”

His heart clenched at the confessions, at the unconditional love.

“I love you both,” he repeated, “And I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” they both echoed, voices warm. Danny was pretty sure they were both smiling, but he had rolled himself over again, swaddled in his blanket.

He didn’t want to see. He loved his friends, he really did, but he could only think of one thing.

Why couldn’t he get this love from his parents? Why couldn’t he be brave enough to tell them, so they could love him too?

He swallowed back the regret, and went to sleep.

---

An alarm clock rang, and groaning, Danny swatted it off. He was in his room. Again.

The clock said that it was, once again, 8am. Reluctantly, Danny dragged himself out of bed, grabbing his phone.

It was the same day again.

There was no denying it. He had gotten himself caught in a time loop. And, by god, had he seen enough movies with that exact plot to know how to break it.

He had just… He had just hoped that telling his friends that he loved them would be enough. That he had somehow started it by telling them that he hated them, even though he didn’t.

Should’ve known. Of course it was about his parents. Weren’t all his regrets, now?

Danny yawned, rubbing his eyes. Might as well get through this all, then.

---

“Morning, Danny,” Jazz said as he walked into the kitchen. “You’re up early.”

“Yeah, I think I accidentally turned on my alarm.” He shrugged, skipping his seat to grab a plate and cutlery for himself. “Breakfast smells good, Mom.”

“Thanks, sweetie. And good morning.” She smiled at him, then flipped a pancake. “It’ll be done soon.”

“Good morning, Danno.” His dad looked up from the circuitry he was messing with. “Didya at least sleep well?”

He set down his stuff, then sat down in his usual seat. “It was alright.”

“That’s good.” His dad nodded, turning back to the gadget. “You going to meet with your friends today?”

“Actually, I…” He swallowed back his doubt, steeled himself. He had to break this loop. It had to be this. “I… was thinking about spending some time with you guys? Sam and Tuck are great, but I see them plenty during school, y’know?”

Jazz’ head jerked, and she looked at him, dubiously. He shrugged back. It didn’t seem to comfort her.

“Well, I would love to show you some of the stuff we’re working on!” Jack grinned at him, and Danny pressed down on his doubt. “Mads, what do you think?”

Maddie clicked her tongue uncertainly. “I don’t know, Jack. So much of our stuff tends to go off around Danny, I’m not sure that it would be safe to show him our in-progress stuff. But I would love to spend the day together, honey!”

“Yeah, I, uh.” He smiled at them, a little nervously. “I think I would prefer spending time together outside the lab, too. What d’you think, Jazz? Want to join in?”

Jazz shot him a brief dubious look, then schooled her expression so their parents didn’t notice. “Sure! Spending time together as a family is good for everyone involved.”

“Well, then that’s settled.” His mom plated a pancake, then turned off the burners. “A fun day together, just the four of us.”

“It’s been a while,” his dad said, putting down the circuity, “hasn’t it?”

“Yeah, I think so. Well, let’s make the most out of our day together then, shall we?” Maddie put down the stack of pancakes, then sat down as well. “Eat up!”

---

Danny laid back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark. For the first time in several nights, it was the ceiling of his own room, rather than Sam’s.

He hadn’t done it. He’d spent the whole day with his parents and Jazz, and still he hadn’t been able to scrape together the courage to just tell them.

But it would be enough, right? They had been together, they’d had fun. Told each other how much they loved each other.

Why wouldn’t that be enough?

---

An alarm clock rang, and Danny groaned. He let it ring for several minutes before he finally reached out and switched it off.

Why couldn’t that have been enough, huh? Did he really have to… have to do it? Just outright tell them?

He rolled himself out of bed, dragging himself through his morning rituals even slower than usual. In front of his closet, he paused.

After a moment of deliberation, he pulled out a different set of clothes than he had the previous few days.

Today was going to be different. He was going to make sure it was.

When he walked into the kitchen, it was to the smell of cooking breakfast and to the sound of quiet conversation.

“Morning, Danny,” Jazz said. “You’re up early.”

“Yeah, I think I accidentally turned on my alarm.” He skipped the table again, grabbing stuff for breakfast. “Smells good, Mom.”

“Thanks, sweetie. And good morning.” She smiled at him, before casually flipping a pancake. “It’ll be done soon.”

His dad looked up. “Good morning, Danno. Didya at least sleep well?”

“Pretty good, all things considered.” He looked at the circuity his dad was messing with, summoned all his bravery—and stupidity—and asked, “Hey, what are you working on?”

Jack grinned, wide and enthusiastic, and Jazz shot him a look that clearly asked him ‘what on Earth do you think you’re doing?’.

“Well, I’m glad you asked!” His dad waved a hand at the circuitry, and Danny took his seat to lean in closer. “This bad-boy here is for one of the new machines your Mom and I thought of! We don’t have a name for it just yet, but once it’s done, it can completely turn off all the powers a ghost possesses! It’ll be like they’re human, except they’re not! They’re just vile ectoplasm!”

“Uh, right.” Danny nodded along, trying not to flinch at the harsh words. “Well, that’s pretty interesting, actually. How would it work?”

Jazz shot him another look, this one more incredulous, clearly asking if he was out of his mind.

He supposed that maybe he was.

“We can talk about this after breakfast, if you’re interested,” his mom cut in, plating a pancake and turning off the burners. Oh, were they that far along the conversation already? “Unless you had plans to meet with your friends?”

“Nah, I was thinking about spending the day with you guys.” He smiled at her, coyly. “Unless you guys don’t want me around?”

“Danny-boy, we’d love to have you.” His dad clapped him on the back, and Danny almost smashed his face into the table because of the unexpected force. “You’ll love it!”

His mom set down the stack of pancakes, taking her own seat. “Yes, exactly. It’s been a while since we’ve spent time together, Danny.”

“Yeah, I know.” He played with his fork, fidgeting a little. “I guess I… haven’t been very social. Sorry.”

Jazz was still staring at him from her seat, but her gaze had gone softer. Less chastising, and more… understanding. Approving.

---

Danny followed his parents down the stairs, regretting his decision just a tad. He still wasn’t feeling ready for this conversation, and now he’d gone and taken Jazz out of the equation as well.

But, by god, he just wanted this time loop stuff to be done.

“We’ll have to be careful, though,” his mom said, stopping in the middle of the lab. “Since our inventions tend to reach badly to you, honey.”

“I know.” He licked his lips. Already regretted was he was about to say. “I… think I know why.”

His parents’ eyes snapped to him, and yep, there it was, the regret.

“Oh?” His dad frowned a little, a frown of worry and confusion rather than anger. “Why, you should’ve told us sooner! We could’ve fixed it ages ago, make sure none of this could hurt you.”

“I… Yes, well…” He shrugged, scuffing his sneakers on the floor. Didn’t meet his parents’ eyes. “It’s, um. Complicated.”

His mom kneeled next to him, suddenly, grabbing his hand. “Danny, sweetie. I promise you, whatever it is, it’s okay. You can tell us.”

He turned his head, looked her in the eyes. Swallowed heavily, feeling blindly for the power of his core in his chest.

Then, still meeting her eyes, he pressed enough power from it to flash his eyes green.

Maddie jerked back, drawing her hand away from him. “Danny, you--”

“Yeah.” He kept his head turned down, but looked over towards his parents. The cat was out of the bag now. “I’m… I’m half-ghost. And I-- I’m Danny Phantom.”

His parents shared a look, and he hated everything that had led him here.

They were hurt. He had hurt them, by telling them.

This was why he had wiped their memories. Why he hadn’t let them remember. Why he didn’t want them to know.

“I’m sorry,” he said, quietly, lowering his eyes to the floor again. “I know it’s not… I know it’s not-- not okay. I can go, if you want. I-- Sorry.”

He swallowed, heavily, turning around to walk towards the stairs. A heavy hand landed on his shoulder, though, turning him back around. Startled, he looked up, meeting his dad’s eyes.

“Danno, don’t.” Jack waited, then, seemingly convinced that Danny wasn’t going to leave, let go. “Danny… What do you mean, ‘that it’s not okay’?”

Danny scoffed, incredulously. “Really? You’re asking me why being half-ghost isn’t okay? You, the ones who keep-- who keep--” His throat closed up, cutting off the end of his sentence.

But his dad flinched, having clearly heard the unspoken words. “Danny, I-- You know that that’s not--”

“What, that’s not what you meant?” He shook his head, clenched his fists. “So all the time you spent shooting Phantom, telling everyone who would listen how much you hate every single ectoplasmic being, I’m supposed to ignore all that because it doesn’t apply because I’m your son? Is that it? And all the other ghosts, no matter what they’re like, none of them count? I’m special because I’m your flesh and blood?”

“No, Danny, that’s not what we meant.” His mom came closer again, but didn’t quite dare to touch. “We just… We love you, Danny, no matter what.”

“Ghost, human, or something in-between,” his dad agreed, wrapping an arm around Maddie. “We love you, Danno. And… And maybe we’ve been mistaken about ghosts.”

“Maybe?” he repeated, blankly.

They had said it. Again, they had said it.

Just like the first time around.

“Oh,” he finally said, realization slowly finding its way into his brain. “I… I love you guys, too. And… Sorry for yelling at you.”

“That’s alright, kiddo.” His dad reached over, gently tugging him over to join them. “With everything we’ve said, everything we’ve done… You’ve more than earned the right to tell us off. And we’re sorry, too, for everything.”

“You didn’t know,” Danny murmured into the bulk of his dad, both of his parents warm around him. His core hummed, its plentiful energy coursing through Danny’s body. “And I chose not to tell you. If I had… You wouldn’t have done it, I know.”

His mom ruffled his hair, the movements slow and cautious. Danny didn’t know if it was because she was scared of him, or for him. “We should’ve realized sooner. It’s… so obvious, in hindsight.”

“Yeah, well.” He shrugged, turning slightly so he could meet their eyes again. “No one expects Phantom to have a secret identity, you know? That’s the point. No one ever realizes, not unless-- unless they see.”

A silence fell, only slightly tense.

“Why does that sound like more people know?” his mom finally asked, her voice tight. “Are we not the first to know?”

“I-- No?” He pulled himself out of the embrace slightly, frowning. “Sam and Tucker were the first to know, since they were there when it happened. And Jazz found out on her own.” Then he made a face. “And most of the ghosts know, I guess.”

“But then…” She paused for a long moment, like she was searching for the right words. “Then why tell us now? Not that we don’t appreciate it, honey, even if we don’t fully understand it, but…”

“The timing is weird,” his dad agreed with a terse nod. “Nothing special happened. No reason for you to tell us now, instead of sooner, or waiting for later.”

Danny licked his lips, looking away guilty. Because he had stalled it. He had waited until the universe had forced his hand.

“Something did happen. Or, well, is happening, I guess. Um. It’s kind of weird and complicated.”

“Like the reason why you set off our ghost-hunting equipment?” his mom asked, one eyebrow raised.

He shrugged. “Uh, yeah, pretty much. So, you know that vacation that got canceled? Sam, Tucker, and I may or may not have actually done that already, but it got messed up because a really powerful ghost artifact got involved. And also my identity may or may not have gotten blown on live television.”

Danny blew out a breath. “You know, may or may not. Anyway, I also may or may not have used that really powerful ghost artifact to reset the timeline two weeks so that none of that had happened, and then destroyed the ghost artifact.”

His parents remained silent, processing it. Then, finally, his mom asked, “And that made you decide to tell us on your own, rather than wait for it to get revealed against your will?”

“Well, yes, sort of.” He shrugged, sheepishly. “That, and you were really… y’know, nice. Positive. I knew that you would be okay with it, but… it’s hard to remember that, sometimes.”

“Oh, Danny.” His dad pulled him back into the hug, the thick arm surprisingly gentle. “We’ll take care of you, kiddo. We’ll make sure you’ll be alright.”

And that? That, he definitely believed.

---

An alarm clock rang, and Danny swore, then hit it with an ecto-blast. His core whirred with the energy, twinging with all that power that he had, rested as he was.

Why? Why was he here again? Had he not broken the loop, by confessing his secret to his parents? What else could he do?

He rolled out of bed, went through his morning rituals, and paused in front of the closet. His hand hovered over yet another outfit, then he pulled it back.

Instead he tugged on his core, rings of light sweeping over him, replacing his pajamas with black hazmat and dyeing his hair white.

When he walked into the kitchen, conversation immediately stopped. Tension was almost tangible in the air, the smell of breakfast suddenly heavy and cloying.

Danny sat down in his usual chair, making sure to stay grounded, and smiled Jazz’ incredulous look.

“Good morning, guys,” he said lightly, ignoring every warning bell going off in his head. “Breakfast smells good, Mom.”

She twitched in response, eyes locked on him. Unlike the previous times, she didn’t smile. Nor did she flip the pancake, which was slowly starting to smell burnt.

“Danny,” Jazz finally said, voice slow and carefully measured. “What are you doing?”

“I’m tired of this, Jazz.” And he was. He was so, so tired of this. “I don’t want to lie about this anymore. I don’t care about this stupid secret anymore. I just want to be me. I just want to live.”

Slowly, his mom turned around again, flipping the pancake. One side of it had burnt black. She was still watching him from her peripherals.

“And this was the way you decided to go about that?” Jazz asked, incredulously, throwing out her hands. “Danny--”

“It wasn’t,” he snapped back, eyes flashing bright in his anger, his aura flickering wildly. He could see both of his parents reach for hidden weapons, and forced himself back into his seat. Forced himself to calm down. “Alright?! I’m caught in some kind of stupid time loop, and I-- I told them, last time, and I thought that that had fixed it, finally! But then I woke up again, here, now, and I’m just-- I’m just tired, Jazz.”

He laid his head on the table, the surface cool against his forehead. “I’m just tired, and confused, and I don’t want to play this stupid game anymore. I’m done.”

A hand settled on his shoulder, slow, gentle. It was too big, too heavy, to be Jazz’.

Danny looked up, and met his dad’s eyes.

“Danny,” he said, hesitation clear in his eyes, but with just as much love and warmth there as well. “Kiddo, is there anything we can do to help?”

He barked out a single laugh, sharp, humorless.

“I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“Then we’ll figure it out together,” his mom said, plating the pancake. She met his eyes when he looked at her. “That’s what we’re a family for, Danny.”

---

The sound of the alarm clock was sharp as always.

The sound of it shattering was far more satisfying.

Danny sat up, staring at his hands in his lap. He didn’t know. He didn’t know what else he had to change.

Unless…

---

Danny woke up, shut off the alarm clock, and groaned.

What else had he missed? He had told everyone who had known. His parents, Lancer, the other students at the school…

---

Danny’s alarm clock screeched, and blankly, Danny wondered if this was Clockwork’s doing.

After breakfast, he went back up to his room. Then he shifted into ghost form, flew past his parents and through the Portal, and went to Clockwork.

It wasn’t Clockwork’s doing.

---

“I can’t believe this is happening to me,” Danny said, lowly, the sound of his voice drowned out by the ringing of his alarm clock. “Caught in some kind of incessant time loop that no one seems to be responsible for, with no purpose, no way to break out of it.”

Reluctantly, he shut it off, then rolled out of his bed.

He trudged down the stairs, joining his family in the kitchen still wearing his pajamas.

“Morning, Danny,” Jazz said, laughter in her voice. “You’re up early, huh?”

“Yeah,” he agreed listlessly, dropping into his seat. “I’m caught in a time loop and I’m getting really tired of it.”

A clatter as his mom and dad dropped a spatula and a screwdriver, respectively.

“I’m sorry?” his mom asked, sharply. “Could you repeat that, honey?”

“Sure.” He set an elbow on the table, heavily leaning his head on the propped-up hand. “I’m caught in a time loop, and I keep reliving this one specific day, and I don’t know why, or how to break out of it.”

“How?” His dad shoved his circuitry aside, the project forgotten in favor of his family. “Why? Who could’ve done this?”

“I don’t know!” Danny groaned, lifting his head up again so he could shake it. “The only ghost I could think of who could do this is Clockwork, and he already said he wasn’t responsible! And the Reality Gems could’ve done it, I guess, but I destroyed those!”

“Danny…” Jazz said, cautiously. “Are you sure--”

“Yes! Yes, I’ve told them several times over, and it doesn’t matter! I don’t care anymore!” He turned to his parents, suddenly, sharply. He tugged on his core, shifting into ghost form right then and there. “Here, tah-dah! I’m Danny Phantom! And I’ve told you this at least three times already, and you’ve forgotten every time because apparently that isn’t the trigger, and I’m just-- I’m just done. I don’t want to be keeping secrets any longer, so there you go!”

He groaned again, smashing his head against the table. The cool surface did little against the headache growing in his head.

“Danny…” His mom walked over closer, slowly reaching over. Laid a hand on his head, and then gently ruffled his hair. “Is there anything we can do to help? Anything you haven’t tried yet?”

“I don’t know,” he groaned, lifting his head up again. Shifted back to human form, because he still hadn’t gotten over the way his core felt too strong now.

Who knew you could get so used to being drained of power that being returned to full energy felt wrong?

“I don’t know,” he repeated. “I haven’t told anyone about the time loop before, I guess, besides Clockwork. But that can’t possibly be what breaks it either, can it?”

“Probably not,” his mom agreed, sitting down. Danny couldn’t smell any burning pancakes. She must’ve turned off the burners this time. “But maybe the four of us can think of something that you missed. What can you think of that could cause this time loop, again?”

“Clockwork, a ghost who lives in the Ghost Zone, and who I’m… sort of allies with? He said he didn’t do it, and I believe him, so it’s not him.” Danny shrugged. “And the Reality Gems could’ve done it I guess, when combined in the Reality Gauntlet. But I destroyed those.”

“When?” his dad asked, leaning forward. He looked intrigued, but concerned above all.

Danny felt a stab of emotion over that. Seeing his dad look more concerned for him than interested in learning more about ghosts. He didn’t know what emotion it was.

“Uh, before this whole time loop business, I guess?” Danny answered the question, shrugging loosely. “It was a whole thing, but at the end of it I got the Gauntlet, made it so none of that ever happened, and made everyone but me, Sam, and Tucker forget. That’s why we canceled our vacation—we already did it once. And then when everything was back to normal, I blew up the Gauntlet.”

“And right after that this time loop began?” His mom frowned, sharing a look with his dad. “That was yesterday, technically?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess.” He scratched his cheek, uncertain. “Why? If it’s gone, it’s gone, right? The loop starts after it was already destroyed, so it’s not like it’s coming back or anything.”

Another shared look between his parents. His dad shifted, a little awkwardly, and cleared his throat. “Danny, what do you know about… ghost cores?”

“Ghost cores?” he repeated. “Uh, I know some, I guess? I know I’ve got mine regardless of form, but it’s stronger in ghost form. And all my powers and stuff come from my core.”

His parents nodded, and his mom took over now. “And has it felt… different, since you destroyed the Gauntlet? Strange, or painful, or--”

“Strong,” he filled in, eyes growing wide. “It’s felt strangely energetic, powerful, since then. But I thought it was just because I was well-rested, since I spent pretty much the whole time during the initial incident running my core as dry as it could get.”

“Ghost cores develop as a ghost grows and matures,” his mom started explaining, softly. “An especially adaptable core could take on traits forced upon it by the environment.”

“Or take them from a destroyed object?” The dots finally connected, and Danny groaned. “Was I the one making this time loop the whole time? Using a power I accidentally acquired?”

Jazz laughed, her first contribution to the conversation since the very beginning. “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time you screwed yourself over by losing control over a new power, right?”

He groaned again, slamming his head against the table again. “No. No, it wouldn’t be,” he agreed, voice muffled against the hard surface.

Danny tugged on his core, searching for oddities, similarities to the feeling back when the Gauntlet had still been a separate object. And, now that he was looking for it, he could feel them; the threads he had accidentally spun through reality, twisting it to repeat over and over again.

Now that he knew they were there, it was easy as cake to snip them away again. To release his hold on the timeline.

---

Danny woke up in his bed, the morning sun shining through his window. Next to him, his alarm clock was silent. 10am, it said. His phone, when he flipped it open, finally said a different date

And downstairs, his parents greeted him cheerily. His mom was already finishing her own breakfast, his dad had progressed his work on the new invention, and Jazz had already left for the library.

It was a new day, finally. A day Danny was ready to face, now.

[sergeanttpoliteness]

➹teenage vows➹(peter b. parker x fem!reader)

Requested by anon➝   hi!! is it alright to request some peter b parker x fem!reader confession/proposal scene? tysm ❤❤

It’s time Peter caught up to some promises he made long ago. Like, embarrassingly long ago.

word count: 6k

a/n: hello! hope whoever’s reading this is having a good day bc u deserve it. just a heads up, but i think i’m gonna post a lot slower bc school starts tomorrow (pls kill me) and i gotta work hard if i want to get in a good college, y’know. gross. but anyway, i hope whoever requested it likes it! i had so much fun writing it and it’s rlly sweet and short, my heart is warm. i promise i’ll be uploading part 2 of one make out session next, idk when but i’m working on it (: enjoy!

It was moments like these— the ones where you flashed him teary smile, and reassured him that you didn't mind him leaving you for the night to go and save the city desperate for his protection— that Peter desired to pause the outside world just so it could be you and you only; no agonizing battles, no villains tearing him to pieces, no delinquents threatening the safety of others when they could barely even withstand a punch. Because just as much as everyone else, you needed him; and as guilty as it made him feel, he pondered the possibility of putting away the mantle of the Spiderling for a single night as he perched on the window sill hesitating, wearing his suit, his mask not fully on yet. But you both knew no such thing was an option whilst the news played loudly in the background, the piercing wails of the police sirens multiplying with each passing moment. You simply grasped the fabric and covered his face, smirking as you slowly walked away from the aperture. "Go save some civilians, Spider-Boy." You couldn't see it, but he grinned behind his disguise, for that nickname which would've bothered him if it'd come from someone else's mouth had set his heart ablaze ever since you two were just some kids; and the flare persisted, even as fervent bodies molded into jaded souls, beaten down by the colossal waves of changes and cataclysms that collided into you one after another.

That day you'd been victim of too many tides.

The evening that unfolded wasn't the one Peter planned. Not at all. Life was anything but a fairy tale; his surely wasn't close to being one, but he'd conjure that magic— transform reality into a children's book with your arms around his neck, his around your waist, your lips close, a soft amorous graze, your living room as the ballroom as you two gently swayed until the clock struck midnight. He'd plotted all the details, from the scent of the candles to every compliment he'd utter. Perhaps he worried too much, but it's what your love demanded, what you deserved, a happily ever after, and he'd oblige the heavens to bring you just that. More calamities were what the cosmos had in mind for you and Peter, though, a sour reality-shattering reminder of how nonsensical wasting time in dreaming of that fairy story was.

The first blow hit you (quite literally) just minutes after you woke up, and Peter accidentally knocked a cupboard into your nose. 'How was your morning?' Your coworker asked, the steaming vapor of her coffee clouding her glasses. You went cross-eyed as you glanced down at the gauze on your nose, briefly recalling the previous events— gushing blood, too much for your liking, maybe a broken nose, who knows, and a string of Peter's apologies flying at you at the speed of light as he placed the bandage over your wound. You wore a tight-lipped smile and shrugged while you were unabashedly dishonest— 'oh, you know, same old'. Yeah, because your boyfriend unintentionally breaking your nose (it's not broken, you insisted) was a normal thing, right? Then came the second slap to your face as a revelation; remembrance dawned upon you, your speeding brain screeching to a halt, and you sighed into your hands. It was you and Peter's two year anniversary.

The man spent the entirety of his work blasting himself; it hadn't slipped his memory, unlike you (which was a surprise, seeing how your enthusiasm the day prior could easily be compared to a child's in a candy store), but after his imbecility and shame, how could he not forget to kiss your forehead and bring you breakfast to your bed as a sweet morning surprise the same way you did last year? It didn't stop there— oh, no, it did not— for then came the third inconvenience of the day: goddamn Jameson went on another rant about him— or well, Spider-Man; not a phenomenon, really, you get used to it, but it was at the worst time possible. He timed it: fifteen whole minutes of his booming voice and curses, 'more pictures of the menace!' or whatever, as if Peter didn't already feel ludicrous enough while taking pictures of himself, or the twenty pictures scattered across his boss' desk were a meager effort. An unwanted setback, although he arrived back home nevertheless, scurrying to your bedroom and clumsily removing his clothes along the way. Suit? Check. Clean-shaven face? Check. That one fragrance which turned you on? Check that, too. Roses?

"Ah, shit." He muttered as he took the cooking pot from the cabinet. Roses. Stupid Jameson and his obsession with Spidey— he forgot to stop by the flower shop. It was alright, though, he could deal with it; no flowers? No problem. Just... the food needed to be good, restaurant-type of cuisine, and taking in mind he wasn't a terrific cook, it'd be quite the challenge. Peter lit the lighter, his hand on the stove's knob, prepared to ignite the burner, but he swore it'd suddenly come to life and taunted him, laughed at his upcoming defeat. He narrowed his eyes at the object, somewhat intimidated, when the front door slammed open. He peered up at the clock hanging on the wall. You were back ahead of time, a lot earlier than he'd anticipated; he didn't even have all the ingredients out yet. He alleviated the clutching in his chest with a deep breath before rushing over to the small portable stereo (you two really needed an upgrade), his finger pressing down on a button. He was satisfied with the soft tunes from the random jazz station and scratched the back of his neck as he went to greet you.

"Hey! You're... early." Saying that your appearance was rough would've been uncalled for, but your scowl and glossy eyes kindled that concern in the pit of his stomach. It was another punch, one that caught him off guard as he frowned and immediately wrapped his arms around you. "Hey, what's wrong?" His worry evoked a pang of guilt in you, and you thought about pulling away, but you couldn't, instead digging your nose deeper into the crook of his neck.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, I just..." You reassured, your tense shoulders relaxing since God, you could breathe in that cologne of his, and he smelled so good. "You look hot."

You sensed his breath catch in his throat before he chuckled, rubbing the small of your back. "I'm glad you think that, but let's talk about you, alright?" You lifted your head to meet his gaze, smiling weakly when he placed a careful kiss on your temple. You squeezed your eyes shut, shaking your head.

"I got a speeding ticket. Two hundred."

Fifth strike.

He blinked, processing your confession, his eyes slowly growing big. "Two hundred?!" You were expecting it; it was a normal reaction, yet you squirmed, flailing your hands as you attempted to explain yourself.

"I'm sorry—"

"Why? How?"

"I'm sorry," You repeated, your hands on top of your head. "I'm so stupid. I can't believe I'm so dumb, and we were saving for the trip but I just fucking ruined it. You deserve a vacation, Pete, I'm so sorry I'm like this." You spoke fast, pulling at your hair with frustration as you walked back and forth in front of him.

"Y/N..." He sighed, upset, of course, but forgiving. "Don't be so hard on yourself. It was just a mistake and we'll get through it, okay?" Your pacing ceased, skepticism crossing your face. "Yeah! The vacation can wait just for a bit. It'll be even more rewarding, anyway." He said with a beam, cupping your cheeks. You didn't know where the rare optimism came from, but you laughed at your lover, the remorse fortifying because you truly did not deserve the tolerance. On the spur of the moment, your fingers threaded through his hair and you pulled him in, urgent lips against his own soft ones. He couldn't help the subtle moan he emitted, dazed by your sudden lust as you spilled all your fervor and hunger into him; all emotion drained from every one of your cells, your fist gripping his jacket, tugging him as close to you as possible, bodies flush together, wrinkling the formerly smooth fabric, yet it wasn't enough.

His hand sneaked inside your shirt, riding up your back; but he paused and groaned, breaking apart from your blissful mouth. "After dinner, but right now I need you to help me because I haven't even gotten started with the food yet." He panted, abstaining from flinging all his cares far away and caving into your luring warmth to please you. Your mouth curved into a smile and you rolled your eyes, pushing him toward the kitchen.

He immediately got back to work, filling the large pot with water, but you stopped at the entrance and glanced down at your outfit. "I should get changed, shouldn't I?"

Peter turned around, shamelessly eyeing your body with desire. "You look perfect." You snorted.

"Peter, you're wearing a suit and I'm still in my work clothes."

"Maybe I... overdid it a bit?" He admitted with a bashful twitch of his lips. He took off his suit jacket, rolling his sleeves up to his elbows while you stole his discarded coat. He didn't notice until you put it on, quirking a brow. "You playing dress up or what?"

"This is it. This is what I'm gonna wear." You declared, raising your arms to show off your glorious look."

Peter bit his lip, a grin breaking out across his face, staring at you as if you were a divine entity, the physical proof of the existence of the heavens above as you straightened the creases. "You look silly." Adorable, he corrected himself internally.

"Nuh-uh, sir, I look hot." You scoffed, although you didn't look silly nor hot, but rather like a little kid who went through an exploration in his father's closet. You'd made up your mind, though; sacrificing a good-looking outfit sounded thousands of times better than actually making the effort to appear decent. You finished your five-second fashion exhibition before a full-blown runway commenced when your stomach rumbled, and summoned your inner chef, standing beside Peter. "You deal with the pasta, I'm gonna pick the salad because there's no way to mess that up."

"I'm the fuck-up, so shouldn't it be the other way around?" He muttered, and as if on cue, he almost spilled the dry pasta noodles all over the counter after miscalculating his strength and tore the bag open. His eyes drifted to you, and just like he predicted, you sported a judgmental expression. "I've got it."

"I dunno, I feel like if I give you a knife you're gonna somehow accidentally stab me." You chuckled, gesturing to the knife in your grasp. His face twisted with remorse. "I'm not feeling so lucky today."

"How's, uh, how's your nose doing?" He questioned, fault gnawing on him. It was the third time the man asked you, the first one being before you left for work, and the remaining a phone call and message during your shift. You, indubitably, told him everything was splendid, as if you didn't almost cry from the pain right after you waved goodbye to him and closed your front door.

"It's okay," You shrugged, despite the sting in the bridge of your nose. "Yeah, you know, it doesn't really hurt. Okay, no, that's a lie— it hurts a bit, but it's not something I can't handle."

"I'm so, so sorry I broke your nose. That was a really dick move."

"It's not broken!" You corrected him, pointing your finger at him. "It's fine. Don't worry, it just looks broken."

"If it looks broken, then it's broken."

"Since when are you a doctor?"

The corner of his lips tugged upwards as he added the pasta to the boiling water. "Y/N, getting my nose broken is my second job."

"Okay, whatever. I've heard the word 'broken' enough times today." You giggled, but then nibbled on your cheek while you began to slice a tomato. "Hey, I need to tell you something."

He swallowed, his throat all of a sudden dry. He opened his mouth to speak, but the abrupt ringing of his phone drove his attention to the device. "Hold on," He took it out of his pocket, his brows knitting together as he checked the screen. Your chest tightened after you sneaked a glimpse of the caller ID. "MJ? Hi!" He greeted, his voice way too cheery and his gaze still on you.

Your chopping came to a halt and you settled the knife on the cutting board. Her voice was clear, audible, yet you couldn't properly distinguish any of her words. Peter hummed as you held onto the counter, your knuckles turning white when his features broke out into a wide grin. "That's great! See, I told you you'd get through it."

Get through it, you reiterated in your head, the sixth wave crashing into your hot-blooded body.

"Yeah... yeah. You too. Night." He finally hung up, and your hand found itself on your hip.

"MJ?" You inquired, your eyebrows raised. He resumed his cooking, his phone forgotten on the countertop and you shot daggers at it.

"Yeah, she just wanted to tell me something."

"Tell you something?"

A crease appeared between his eyebrows and he looked at you sideways, confused. "A problem she fixed."

"Huh. I see." You grumbled, your brows scrunched together. Peter turned to face you, folding his arms across his chest.

"What?"

You met his stare. "What?"

"You're annoyed. I can tell."

"I'm not annoyed." You countered, squinting.

"Yeah, you are, 'cause you're doing that thing with your eyebrows—" He waved his hand, motioning toward your face. You mirrored his stance, doing exactly what he pointed out. "They get really expressive when you're mad."

"Suddenly, there's something wrong with my eyebrows?" You knew you were reaching, but the irritation dominated your mouth. Peter stammered in disbelief, briskly shaking his head.

"What?! Y/N, I did not say that at all."

You leaned against the kitchen counter, your lips tight until you were talking again. "You know, I just think it's kinda weird."

Peter looked heavenward, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Oh, here we go." He took in a deep breath, peeved. "What?"

"How you and Mary Jane have been calling each other so much lately." You mumbled, hugging yourself.

"What about it?"

Now you were the incredulous one. "What about it? Peter, it's weird."

"Yeah, I heard you the first time, but explain why." He said, exasperated.

Your jaw tightened and you picked up the knife before restarting with the slashing of the food, your hold of the tool harsh. "I don't really need to explain myself."

"Well, I want you to!"

"Alright, you want to know why it's weird? You want me to tell you?" Your tone grew louder.

"Yes, please! Go on!" Peter nodded, voice equally as bitter. You scraped the sliced tomatoes off of the cutting board with the knife, careless about where they landed, and clutched a second vegetable.

"She's your ex." You hissed. He had to momentarily walk away, although not too far considering the restricted place. He rubbed his face, holding up two fingers with his other hand.

"That was two years ago. Almost three."

"Your ex-wife!"

"I know what she is, Y/N, but there's no need to be worried. There's a reason why it didn't work out."

"It's kinda hard not to worry when she's calling you all the time, apparently telling you about all the problems in her life and who knows what else. I bet you call her to complain about me, or something." You poked his chest with a pickle.

He pushed the cucumber away with his finger, laughing. "Oh my god, you're being so ridiculous right now."

"I'm allowed to be ridiculous right now!" You shouted, slamming the green edible on the piece of wood.

"We're just friends! I can't even believe I have to say this!"

You shot him a sneer. "How can you just be friends with your ex?"

"Well, that's what we were after we broke up the first time, no?" He claimed, his forehead creased. You grew quiet and weakly dug the blade into the cucumber.

"That's different, I was your best friend. I am your best friend." You whispered, but he wasn't taking it.

He tilted his head back, his eyes closed. "It's really not different."

"It is!" You persisted, "We were kids, and I was friends with Gwen, so obviously it's not like I even thought about trying something."

"You think MJ is trying something?"

You blinked furiously, lifting one shoulder. "You know we never got along that well!"

Peter took a step closer to you, holding himself up with his hand on the counter. "She wouldn't ever do that, Y/N, no matter how bad things are between you two." You rolled your eyes.

"How would you know?"

God, you truly were driving him crazy. He began to tap his foot, groaning. "How would I know? How would I know? We were together for sixteen years, I know a lot more than you do!"

"Sixteen years, no way there still wouldn't be some sort of feelings." You lowly told yourself, but he still listened. He squeezed his hands closed and his view landed on the bundle of bananas inside a basket. He ripped one, peeling it open and taking a large bite, his infuriation pushing him to stress-eat. You heard him exclaim, as if he'd managed to remember an idea long repressed.

"What about that one guy you're always talking with? Thomas, was it?" He began, his mouth full. You whispered 'oh my god' as he swallowed before continuing. "You two dated, didn't you?"

You placed your hand on your chest, unbelieving that he decided to complain about the most insignificant guy in your relationship. "Peter, he's my coworker."

"Well, it's kinda hard not to worry!" He mocked you, flailing his arm.

"Fucking hell."

"He's all attractive and shit, with his eight-pack, expensive car, and twenty dogs. Real boyfriend material, huh?" He clenched his teeth, his hands trembling with the overwhelming jealousy.

You peered up at him, your eyes soft. "I would never hurt you like that."

"Exactly!" He gently held your shoulders, hopeful that you finally understood you absurd your worries were. "Neither would I! Ever."

"You broke up with me once, why would you not do it again?!" You shoved his hands off of you. Despair clawed at your heart, poisoned your insides with its foul venom, constricting your lungs, wetting your eyes.

Your words and crestfallen features subsided his fury, like a powerful breeze extinguishing a flickering candle, a gleam of sunlight reaching out through heavy sullen clouds, clearing his sight. His face fell, his fingers twitching, aching to touch you. "Y/N..."

You cracked, lost control, lashed out all your anguish on the food you cut. "You left me for Gwen! After three years!" Your cutting sped up, loud and quick clanks echoing across the room. "You said you loved me! A-and I believed you!" You sobbed, yet no tears would spill; only built up rage as you snagged a second tomato and stabbed it harder, the blade dangerously close to your finger.

"You're gonna hurt yourself." Peter warned, watching as you ignored him and only went faster, harder, your hand beginning to cramp up.

"But then you didn't love me, you loved her, and everything you said became complete bullshit and just lies! All those stupid promises and your fucking vows," You couldn't see anymore, your vision too blurry, but you didn't slow down. "What was I supposed to do other than just be happy for you? Because I had to be a good friend, and I just wanted you to be happy—"

"Y/N—"

You felt the knife close to your finger. "And what if it happens again? Mary Jane is perfect, you two were perfect; maybe one day you'll regret you chose me at the end—" Peter's hand shot out and captured the knife. You closed your mouth and blinked your tears away, your eyes then growing wide, for the blade hung right above your finger.

He moved it to the side and away from your resting hand, his grasp shaky. "I told you you were gonna hurt yourself." He breathed out.

The radio remained barely audible before, almost as if its presence were missing, but as silence overtook the room— heavy, asphyxiating, weighing down on both of you, crushing you with no mercy— it made your skull pulse. You laid the cutting tool back down, your gaze fixed ahead of you.

"My boss laid me off today." You saw through your peripheral vision how his head jerked up. "That's why I got back home early. And why I got the speeding ticket." You revealed, ashamed. Peter gulped, trying to dive to the surface, float in the flooded wreckage you two were trapped in.

"I'm sorry."

"What do you mean? It's not your fault." You looked at him, but it was quick. "And it's not my fault, either. I guess the trip will have to wait longer than we expected." You sadly joked.

He didn't say anything. He simply approached you, slowly and quiet, and soon his arms were around you. You grew weak to his embrace and squeezed him, inhaling deeply, holding back the tears once again that day— you didn't even know, really, you'd lost count. 

The universe wouldn't hand you the quietude you had craved so easily, though, because without warning, Peter began to usher you far from the stove. "Wait, wha—" A bang cut you off and you yelped while Peter unconsciously pulled you closer to him. You heard clinking, a shattering sound as something rained over the floor. You both slowly glanced back, still hugging each other.

"What the hell?" You gasped when you saw the large crack running up the stove top, various small ones branching out from it, and glass littering almost all of your kitchen. Peter's body shook and you stared up at his nervous grin.

"I told you we had the change the stove."

You two began to laugh— not a normal response to your stove exploding, indeed; perhaps it was an odd way to cope with the pain, but Peter ran his fingers through his hair as he chuckled.

"I should've listened." You smiled at him, and your mind turned to mush when he returned the expression.

"Good evening, everyone— I'm sorry to interrupt, I know that tonight is 'only music' night." The music ended and a dopey voice spoke instead; a guy who'd most definitely hit a few too many blunts.

"What kind of station did you chose?" You asked your boyfriend, your face scrunched up. He shrugged, just as clueless as you were.

"I don't know, it was on when I switched on the radio." However, your ears perked up when the man carried on.

"Just in case you haven't watched the news yet, I wanted to tell you to please stay away from Times Square. There's some crazy stuff going on there, man, it's nuts, and the police are arriving on the scene. But..." Peter looked at you, his eyes sad with guilt. Realization hit you like a truck, your heart almost stopping.

It was the final straw.

"No... no, please, Pete." You started to breathe heavily, your lower lip trembling. He held your hands, kissing your knuckles apologetically.

"I'm so sorry." The tears flowed free, and it broke him further.

"Everything's been going wrong today, p-please, I don't want anything bad happening to you." You begged. But he was already leaving the kitchen, and you yelled out a frustrated curse. You ran to the living room, searching for the remote control, then fell to your knees as you saw it under the coffee table, instantly snatching it. You desperately wiggled the remote when it didn't work, but moments later the TV lit up, and you jumped from channel to channel, seeking for the news. You raised your hand up to your mouth, your shoulders shuddering from the horrific footage— the hopelessness, the explosions, the fire. You heard the first siren outside.

You felt a tender hand on your shoulder, the indication of what you feared the most, of the dreaded goodbye lurking in all your nightmares. You were fully submerged into the screen, enough that you hadn't noticed Peter standing behind you. "This was not the night I planned." He said, staring down at the ground. " We were gonna have a nice dinner, maybe even dance like you enjoy to do sometimes, and then... I don't know, but I'm sorry. You deserved it." He confessed, sorrowful and sincere.

You placed your hand on his hard chest, over the spider emblem of his suit. You didn't waste any time and kissed him, a passion different from earlier; different from the arousal, the heat at the pit of your stomach, the goosebumps spreading all over your skin. Now it was just as forceful, just as needy, but it tasted like innocent affection, like a refuge for a terrified child from a spine-chilling thunderstorm, the assurance that the downpour would pass. You cherished every second, the way he clung onto your waist with as much urgency, his breathing as he ended what he hoped was just another kiss and not the last one. It tore you down to nothingness, but it's what you signed up for the moment you fell in love with him, and you truly did not regret it. Never.

Your foreheads rested against each other, your hands trailing up to his shoulders. "Happy two year anniversary." He grinned. You pecked him one last time.

"Happy two year anniversary."

It was the usual routine: he went to the window, putting his mask over his head, not bothering to brush away his hair, and he looked back at you. Stay, you both thought as you followed him. You held yourself back, though, for you knew that if you asked him to, he would. You tugged his mask down, covering his face. "Go save some civilians, Spider-Boy. I love you." His white eyes were wide, taking you in wholly.

"I love you, too."

You undid the button of Peter's suit jacket for the twentieth time in a row, the action a momentary consolation as your eyes lingered on the flat screen; however, your mind drifted away somewhere in the vastness of space, distant from the images and your solitary apartment, revolving around a certain man you couldn't help but worry about. The broadcast should've been enough to relieve your fidgeting and the iciness that ran through your veins, because just like always, the superhero had saved the day, but you wouldn't ease into satisfaction until you had Peter in your arms— safe and sound, alive. That comfort arrived in the form of the window sliding open, and you jumped off your seat, wrapping your arms around your torso, watching as the red and blue figure slipped inside. He closed the window, holding his side, and he removed his mask with a swift motion, strands of hair sticking up while others fell graciously. You repressed the shocked gasp at his appearance; his bleeding and swollen lip, the cut running up his forehead, his nose which now looked just like yours if not a bit worse, and the forming bruise on his cheek.

You ran up to him and hugged him tightly. As gentle as you tried to be, it still hurt, but he didn't voice his pain. "I'm proud of you. You did great." You kissed his shoulder. He mumbled a 'yay!' and you let out a weak laugh, carefully pulling his arm. "C'mon, let's get you cleaned up."

He tugged you back into him, his eyes droopy with exhaustion. "No."

Your eyebrows rose, confusion overtaking your face. "What?"

"Our date is not over yet."

You sucked in a breath, ignoring his ridiculous statement— he'd definitely received a rough blow to his head. "Peter, it's late, you need some rest—"

"Just, please." He urged. "Trust me." He bore his eyes burning with need into yours, frowning.

It was unbelievable, how Peter B. Parker could ask you to dress up as a hot dog and breakdance in the middle of the street and you'd comply, simply because it's what he wanted. You're weak, you told yourself, your hand in Peter's as you strolled down the pathway of the park; although you did force him to sit down and let you patch him up earlier, for only the man thought there was nothing wrong with leaving the house looking like you just came back from the fight club— ‘it's gonna heal soon’, he would whine as the roles reversed and you smoothed the gauze over his nose. He limped slightly while he picked a flower from a bush, another one for the growing collection in his fist, and you groaned loudly.

"Parker, seriously, I wouldn't have minded if we'd stayed back at home. Our anniversary doesn't need to be perfect." You said, expecting it'd knock some sense into him. He remained stubborn, though, inspecting the plants he held.

"Oh man, you said 'Parker', you must be serious." He wore a crooked smile and you narrowed your eyes at him. "Look, the day was far from perfect, so at least I want it to end well."

"I mean, this place is really nice." You acknowledged as you both stopped to admire a cherry blossom tree. Peter glanced sideways at you, his mouth twitching.

"Do you remember when we planned our wedding?"

You looked back at him and you both cringed, laughing after. "Ah, we did that, didn't we?" You crinkled your nose, recalling the night you and Peter lied on your twin bed; surrounded by heavy textbooks and colorful notes with illegible writing, in a haze from all the studying that you two started to make big, naive plans for a distant future, your head on his chest as he ran his fingers through your hair.  

"It was cute at the moment, but now that I think back, it was really stupid." He laughed. You swiped away the fallen flowers of the tree with your foot, nostalgia showering over you.

"Yeah... I wonder what sixteen-year-old me would think about thirty-eight-year-old me. Probably would be disappointed. At least she'd be happy I'm with you, though." You admitted softly, your skin prickling. "That's something her and I have in common."

Peter flashed you a half-smile. "Really?"

"Yeah," You grinned back, your eyes darting down to the petals he plucked. "Hey, don't kill it! What did it ever do to you?"

"It looked at me the wrong way." He smiled, shrugging. "I'm just nervous, that's it."

"What, you playing 'does she love me, does she love me not'?" You fluttered your eyelashes, the back of your hand on your forehead. He bit his lip, snickering, but then went poker-faced.

"It's a really serious game, Y/N." Your body lit up with laughter and he moved to face you, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he stared at you. "I want you to know that everything I said back then wasn't a lie. I meant every 'I love you' and promise I made."

You shoved your hands inside the pockets of his suit jacket (you probably should have changed, you realized), shifting your weight from one foot to another. "Pete, I know." You took out one hand to squeeze his bicep. "Forget everything I said earlier, alright? The jealousy just got to me and I said some dumb shit."

He shook his head, his fingers curling around your wrist. "No, but... I really did. And I've been thinking lately th-that maybe things with MJ didn't just work out because I was scared to have kids. I love you, Y/N. It's always been that way."

"Peter..." You rubbed his knuckles with your thumb, your heart glowing. "I love you, too."

"I'm sorry I didn't do this sooner."

You lifted a brow, puzzled. "Do what?" Your confusion dissolved when he dug his hand into his pocket, the color draining out of your face as he revealed a blue velvet box. You took a step back in disbelief, your hand cupping your cheek. "Parker, I swear to God."

"I'm sorry you had to wait so long for this moment." His voice wavered with nerves, the confirmation that this wasn't a sick prank he was pulling— not that he ever would hurt you in such way, anyway, but it was impossible not to feel lightheaded from the shock of witnessing a daydream you'd imagined for so long unfolding right in front of you, to not tremble as you waited for everything to slowly fade away as you woke up from another dream. His touch felt so real, though, so genuine, far from a fabricated illusion created just to satisfy a lurking desolation. "I wish I had known back then— God, I really do. But maybe I did kinda know, because after we discussed the whole dream wedding thing, I proposed to you." He recalled.

You sniffed, smiling. "You said it was practice for when we did get married."

He nodded, scratching the back of his neck. "It was not romantic at all." You both giggled, the ring he'd made out of a ripped piece of paper present in your memories.

You scanned your own outfit, wishing you'd looked much nicer for the occasion. "I look terrible right now."

"And so do I, but I don't care, because my heart still does that thing when it's the afternoon and you haven't showered yet."

"You're ridiculous."

"I know."

A deep rumble in the sky shook the ground beneath your feet and Peter looked up, letting out an exasperated sigh when droplets of rain pattered down on you. "Yeah, way to ruin the moment, weather. Thanks."

You lifted your hand to cover your face from the light drizzle, miniature beads of water on your eyelashes. "You know we can't afford a wedding right now, right?" You asked him, the corner of your lips tugged upwards.

His cheeks expanded as he let out air through his pressed lips. "I know. We gotta get that new stove."

"Our bed broke."

"Speeding ticket."

"I lost my job."

"You need a new nose." He tapped his own nose, which was a bad idea after he twisted his face in discomfort.

"It's not broken!" You insisted with a gesture of your hand, the corner of your eyes crinkled as you laughed. The rain poured down harder, quickly drenching yours and Peter's hair along with your clothes. Nothing was stopping him anymore, though, and he got down on one knee, audibly still aching from his bruises. Your laughter persisted, but now you hiccuped as well, your eyes red.

"We're not at a beach in Hawaii, but I tried to get the petals at least." When you inspected the ground— purple and red petals messily surrounding you, shriveled from the water— you comprehended the reason for his flower killing spree. You gripped his cold hand, the downpour emitting a shudder from you.

"It really doesn't matter."

"Good, good." He breathed out, more like a reassurance for himself, his own breathing speeding up for he could sense the tears coming as well. "Y/N. I loved you back then. I love you right now... and I'll love you for the rest of my years. It's not an exaggeration, it's the truth. I promise I'm not going anywhere. Not again. So..." He opened the box, and you stared in awe at the golden circlet with the pretty silver diamond.

"Will you marry me?"

You couldn't utter a single word, your throat closed up as you instead nodded fervently. You both beamed at each other, your smiles easily capable of moving worlds and galaxies as he slid the engagement ring onto your finger, his own hands trembling. You didn't give him a chance to stand up— you got down to his level and crashed your lips into his, your mouths slippery from the rain, your appearances far from alluring with his hair clinging to his skin and your mascara trailing down your cheeks. But it was alright. For the first time that day, everything was alright.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #239

i just want to sincerely apologize if my surveys take a negative nosedive again. i know this one’s kinda grim and i don’t want to make that a routine, but things are just rough right now and i’m not gonna lie on a survey, y’know.

Do you know anyone who works at McDonald’s? Not that I'm aware of. Do you know anyone who plays heaps of sports? Probably through school. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Where do your cousins live? Aaaaaaall over the U.S. Have you met any of your second cousins? Possibly at some point? Do you like the All-American Rejects? I like "Move Along" and "It Ends Tonight" is good, but that's all off the top of my head. Oh wait, of course there's "Gives You Hell." When was the last time you wore a skirt? WOW I have ZERO clue. Probably not since elementary years. Have you ever finished a whole video game? Plenty. If so, which one(s)? There are way too many. Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Me, Sara, probably others. Which one of your friends has great music taste? Sara. Was the last person you hung out with single? That would be my young niece and nephew... so yeah. Have you ever attended a private school? I'm a private college now. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No, thank Christ. Have you ever cooked for anyone other than yourself? I made breakfast for Sara once. If your phone has a hole for phone charms, is it on the left or right side? I don't have one. Would you rather live in the city, the suburbs, or the rural area? Kinda like... suburban mixed with rural. I don't wanna be totally isolated, particularly away from necessary stores and such, but I also do NOT wanna be swarmed by people. Maybe like a loose neighborhood in the woods outside a small town? Do you know someone who is really ambidextrous? Sara. Did you use a pencil today? No. Are you adopted? Nope. Have you ever had your car break down on you? Never when I've driven, not that that's been much. With Mom, yes. Dad, idr. Jason's prom night, yeah; his truck broke down otw home at a stop light. Oof. Who was the last person that cried in your presence? My mom. It's the worst. When was the last time you ate at your favorite restaurant? Oh wow, probably not since my last birthday. What was the last thing someone gave you? A close family friend/my former teacher lent me a $20 just in case I needed anything while my mom was up in NY. Can you write your name in a foreign language? My first name (at least) is the same in German; even though "y" doesn't exist in the language, I guess it does for foreign names?? Idk about my last name. Who is the person you often go to for venting? Sara. Do you keep an actual journal or diary? No, not anymore. I did briefly when I had that WILD and totally random Jason obsession episode, but once I came off that godawful medicine and I went back to normal, I deleted it. Have you ever been prescribed Vicodin? That sounds very familiar... Maybe? Perhaps that's what was prescribed after my surgery? Have you ever cheated on someone without them finding out about it? Well considering I've never cheated and never would, I can't answer this. Was the last person you kissed male or female? Female. Who were you with the last time you went swimming? Colleen, at the beach. Does your dining table currently have place mats on it? No; we don't even eat at it. What was the last thing you cooked in an oven? I myself have literally never used an oven. I'm scared to. Oh wait, yeah I have... on some occasions where Mom needed me to put something in there or take something out, but idr what. But boy and I can tell you without memory that I was jumpy as hell about it. Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? No. It's difficult for me to like-like people, especially men when you consider I'm generally afraid of them, on top of I'm just paranoid and don't trust easily. Do you prefer wheat or white bread? Wheat. Do you have an electric toothbrush? No, but coincidentally, I actually have that on my Christmas wishlist. Have you ever had an “exotic” or “abnormal” pet? Do you consider a Chinese water dragon "exotic?" Then I have a ball python morph. Have you ever eaten lobster? No, and considering crab is nauseating, I doubt lobster would be too different. What is your grade point average (if you’re still in school)? I don't know right now and don't know where to find it. Have you ever played croquet? Oh yeah. My sisters and I LOVED that shit as kids. Who was the last person you called? Dad. Have you ever watched Ghostbusters? No, believe it or not. When was the last time you drew a picture? Yikes... been a while. Not since I started a concept drawing of encompassing a panic attack in a meerkat form, as I tend to do. I haven't touched it in months. It's right on the second shelf of the table beside me, so... my only remaining excuse as to not finish it is that the paper is horribly wrinkled now. Are you happy? Not exactly. Should you be doing something now? I could be doing the practice exam work my math professor gave us all considering it's extra credit, but. Yeah. I'm absolutely awful at math and barely passing but I don't exactly need another stressor right now. Is there a smoke detector on every floor of your house? We only have one floor. What was the last kind of soup you ate? I tried vegetable soup anyway when I got my tongue pierced because I literally could not eat solids for over a week, but I'm a picky asshole who didn't like it so wasted the can. I had to survive almost exclusively on meal replacement shakes and popsicles. Warning from the wise: you want your tongue pierced? You better fucking want it bad because healing is a P R O C E S S. Or at least mine was, having to get it re-done and all... Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? No. Have you ever went a year without getting your hair cut? I don't think a year... but maybe? Do you think you could go a week without sugar? Considering sugar is in like... EVERYTHING, probably no? Would you be willing to go one day each week without meat? I don't really pay attention, but I probably already do. I'd like to eat as little meat as possible. Hell, I wish I could go full-on vegan. Do you feel comfortable telling people how much you weigh? NO. Do you have any talents that your friends don’t know about? No. Are you any good at sewing? Never tried, not interested. Has anyone ever interviewed you about one of your hobbies/talents? No. Would you ever consider experimenting with drugs? Marijuana for medical purposes if I didn't have to smoke it. I'm not smoking anything, I don't care what it is. What’s been tugging on your heart lately? I guess life in general. Mortality, death. Teddy died in my arms, I saw my grandmother physically ravaged by cancer, and just life hasn't been the kindest lately. I've been thinking about how time just flies, how every moment should be cherished even though it's so fucking hard, and just yeah. I don't wanna go down this rabbit hole. Are you comfortable with who you are? Have you accepted who you are? I don't know dude I shouldn't be taking a survey during like an existential crisis lol. What is the last thing you did that made you feel guilty? Decided to get some really unhealthy fries with my dinner. Would you have sex with the last person you texted? It's not a matter of "would," I want to. I may have already, I don't really know what separates foreplay from lesbian sex. Do you consider weed, marijuana, pot, etc. a drug? This isn't even an argument anymore, it's fact. It's a mind-altering substance. "Drug" does not always equate to bad, either. Are you planning on kissing anyone tomorrow evening? It'd be nice. Do you require a lot of private time? Oh yeah, but way less than I used to. I get depressed if I'm alone for too long now. Have you ever done something humiliating while drunk? N/A What is your favorite classic Disney movie? The Lion King. Do you like looking at old photographs? Yeah, usually. Do you enjoy puzzles? Yeah. Do you prefer painting or drawing? Drawing by a long shot. I'm taking a painting course this upcoming semester though, so hopefully that'll up my skill and thus enjoyment of it. Do you ever wear high heels? No, I don't have a reason to. Do you use belts? No, considering I never wear anything with belt loops. When was the last time you played Uno? Oh my fucking god, it's been forever, thankfully. When I lived with Colleen, as did her younger sister, we played Uno a lot, and then, AND THEN, came the night Chelsea dyed my hair red. Mind you, the ONLY TIME dyeing my hair had been truly successful and long-lasting. The process took hours, and we played Uno round after Uno round... and now I literally hate it. What do you like better, kiwis or pineapple? Oh man, I love both, but I gotta say kiwi. Are you trying to grow out your hair? No, I actually need to cute it again. What is your favorite perfume/body spray/cologne? Don't have one, really. Have you ever wanted to try karate? Not seriously. How often do you drink water? Ah yikes... I really fell out of my regular habit of drinking multiple bottles daily. Do you ever wear headbands? No. How many video games do you own? A lot. There's like a huge CD case in a living room drawer full of them. I've been considering making an EBay or something to sell a shitload of them as I'm sure a lot are actually pretty valuable now, but I think a lot about how I want to pass them down to my current and possibly future nieces and nephews when they get to a certain age to figure video games out or even have a console that can play PS1-PS3. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. What’s your favorite suburb in the city you live in? Why would you... name that on the Internet...? Besides that even, I pay no attention to suburbs' names I happen to pass. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. I don't know if I could ever muster up the courage to even go in one. I'm the type that would just order online. What’s your favorite place to get pizza? I'm a basic Domino's bitch. How many times have you been to the beach? Multiple, but not a LOT. I have little reason to ever go, and it's never my idea, that's for sure. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. Childhood home. Trying the Jiffy Pop popcorn that you make over the stove. Next thing y'know the thing is seriously on fire and we had to use the fire extinguisher. Fuck you, Jiffy Pop, the harbinger of the next fucking idiots moving in setting the entire house on fire thanks to the stove too. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No, besides like bees 'n the like being near me. Have you ever had a spray tan? No. Do you own any sports bras? Where’d you get them from? No, but I'd like at least one. Wouldn't know what to use it for, it's not like I go jogging or anything, but. I think it'd be good to have at least one. Have you ever had sex in a kitchen? No. What’s the most expensive restaurant you’ve ever eaten at? I have zero clu- no wait I'm gonna guess the Italian restaurant we went to on Sara's birthday, but that's just a guess judging by how it was fancy as fuck. Who crosses your mind the most? Sara. Have you ever been on a scavenger hunt? Probably as a kid. Ever been to an auction? No. would you ever get acupuncture? omg no Ever got stitches? At least twice. What is a must have on your french fries? At least some salt. Entirely saltless fries are boring. How do you like your meat cooked…medium rare? well done? Nothing less than medium well. If meat tastes even a little bit beneath lukewarm I can't take that shit. Are there two colors that you just simply despise? Bright yellow and puke-green. What do you usually do with recurring dreams? ... Nothing? What CAN you do? Have you ever been told you were hot by a complete stranger? I don't think someone has used the term "hot," but I know I've been called pretty, at least. Do you want to be single or with someone? I want to be with Sara. It kinda feels like we still are, like no feelings have changed, we're just not "official" anymore and not "bound" to one another. Have you ever had a sleepover with the opposite sex? I actually have twice (or thrice?) platonically with my younger neighbor FOREVER ago. We were still kids. Then there was a big (birthday?) party at my place where Juan stayed the night, and then I believe there was an occasion Girt totally knocked out on the couch so... I guess it turned into a "sleepover?" lmao Who are you closest to in your family? My mom. Who were the last 3 people to text you? Sara, Mom, and my sister. Have you ever dated someone in jail? No, and I wouldn't unless it was for something incredibly stupid or I'm aware was a false charge. What’s a movie you cannot BARE to ever watch again? Nothing's coming off the top of my head. Who got you hooked on the addiction you're addicted to (If you have one)? ... I just connected it all in my head. Jason got me into the Amnesia game. I got into custom stories for it. I was playing one one day. I got stuck. I YouTubed it for help. Guess. Who. I. Fuckin'. Found. This is a revelation; I have discovered the main purpose of my and Jason's relationship. Perhaps things do happen for a reason lmao. Are you a little bit cautious around horses? Do they scare you a bit? Not really, but I wouldn't say I'm in no way cautious. They definitely don't scare me, though. I just respect that they're very powerful animals and I'm not experienced with handling them. Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yes, on rice that was literally right off the fucking stove lmao. LOOK I didn't know it had JUST come off and I was hungry as fuck but boy did I have REGRETS considering the burn lasted for well over a week, maybe two. Do you think having a sleepover with a guy is theoretically acceptable? Um, yes...????? Do you like to have cake on your birthday? Which kind of cake in mind? Yeah, and red velvet or chocolate frosted, depending on what I'm feeling.

[elsaclack]

Hi :) This might sound weird haha but I adore reading you talk about your writing, it's really inspiring and I feel like I learn a lot of things every time I read you talk about it (you know I'm a fan of your style haha). And anyways while I was reading your answer to your last anon, this struck me: "when i was outlining that chapter i think the only line i dedicated to the actual fight itself was “and then they have a crazy knife fight (good luck future me)”" and I wanted to ask you (1/2?)

(2/3?) do you have like any tips for writing a multichapters fic? I guess from what you wrote here you outline the whole thing before you start with it? Or it depends or the story and sometimes you just go with the flow and see where it goes haha? Do you mind sharing some of your writing process of multichapter fics? :3 Bc I tend to get "bored" really easily and if I don't finish something in one sitting I usually never ever finish it. But also I'd like to learn how to take my time sometimes

(3/3) and idk maybe learning how to properly "get ready" to write something long would help haha. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense at all but yeah in any case just thank you for blessing my nights with your fics and killing me over and over with feels, I'm sure I said it before but you (and all of the amazing writers this fandom is blessed with) are a true inspiration!!!

you are SO sweet to me i die fhflkdsjf

i’m gonna go ahead and throw 100% of my answer under the cut because i haven’t even started yet and i know this is about to be. So Long. i am sorry in advance lmao

there are a couple of different aspects to this ask that i want to touch on so i will be as brief as possible but as i have proven twice over tonight alone, i am really not capable of that lmfao

i’d say first and foremost, the biggest thing you can do to help yourself in this arena is figure out how to best discipline yourself. which SUCKS it’s like the worst most mom answer ever but in all honesty, developing discipline in writing is what separates the “i could write a book” people from the people who actually do write books. everyone is capable of writing, but not everyone has the discipline or patience to do so. long-form narrative requires even MORE discipline than a one-shot (or even a long one-shot) because it’s like you said, it requires the author to come back over and over and over again to write new material and edit existing material and figure out a way to cohesively connect everything they’ve written into one consistent narrative, and some people have a much harder time with that than others do. there’s nothing wrong with that either way!! the world needs short stories just as much as it needs longer stories. but if you’re wanting to work on writing longer-form narratives, working out a way to best discipline yourself should probably be your number-one goal.

that kind of brings me to my next point (and also ties in part of what i was talking about in that other ask) - comparing your writing style, your progress, your everything to other writers will only lead to heartache for you. when i first started reading and writing for b99 i came across a specific author (who is now one of my dear friends) whose fics were just. next-level works of art. and while i read through just about everything she’d written for b99 and LOVED every single one of them, i found myself getting more and more down on my own writing, because i knew i’d never be able to write like her. but the more comfortable and confident i got in my own writing, the more i realized that it’s less about writing more like That Person and more about developing my own style (my favorite comparison to make between my writing and hers now is that hers are like beautiful and intricate fairy tales, and mine are more of a smokey back room at a bar where a guy is sitting alone at a table and he says “come here and listen to this story.” they’re both Very Different, and perhaps have varying audiences, but one is not inherently Better Or Worse than the other). all of this to say, if you’re working as hard as you can and being really disciplined but still find yourself struggling with writing a multichap, THAT’S OKAY!!! there’s NOTHING wrong with that!!! your writing, however short or long, serves an INCREDIBLY important purpose within the fandom as a whole and no matter what, there will ALWAYS be an audience for your writing.

so okay as for the actual Advice!!! i actually have a couple of steps that i usually follow prior to actually Writing the first chapter of any long fic i’ve written (or am in the process of writing...@king and lionheart yikes). i have yet to really find any consistency in how i think of ideas for multichaps - so far the idea every multichap i’ve written has come from a different source (which is actually kind of Frustrating for reasons i won’t get into). but basically once i actually have An Idea, i’ll take a day or two to kind of think it over and flesh it out as much as possible. if it really starts expanding in detail and an actual Story constructs itself around the idea, i’ll move on to the next step, which is to find a few trusted mutuals here on tungle.corn and say “heyyYYY CAN I YELL ABOUT AN IDEA I HAVE FOR A SECOND” and then spill everything i’ve thought of so far. usually i can tell if an idea will live or die based on these conversations - if the other person is Into It and we start sort of developing the world within the chat, i know it’s time to really sit down and make an effort to pursue the fic. in that case, i will go and copy&paste that part of our chat into a google doc and i’ll build an outline in a separate doc. i used to despise outlines and i would refuse to do them in high school, but once i got into writing as a hobby and i started pursuing longer narrative forms, i tried once or twice to write a multichap without an outline and i just forgot a lot of the details i originally wanted to include, which left me feeling really frustrated with myself and with my writing. i came to realize that outlines kind of a necessary evil, so in writing them i made them as fun for me as possible (i.e. the “good luck future me” line from the king and lionheart outline i mentioned lmao). now i love them and i have them open at all times while i’m working on writing a new chapter.

so i know that i started this off by saying that writing multichaps requires a special kind of discipline, and i stand by that, but also...writer’s block and real life responsibility and just plain exhaustion are all Very Real Things, and they take precedent over keeping up with a publishing schedule (if you’re so inclined to make one of those for yourself). when i started writing king and lionheart, i didn’t know at that point that i would be headed back to school in the spring, and thought that i would have all the time in the world to write. right around november, i realized that i would be going back to school - that’s about the time i took an unofficial hiatus from writing king and lionheart, because i knew trying to keep up with writing that fic the way that i want it to be written and all of the intensive and demanding coursework was going to kill me. taking a step back from posting and coming back to it later is okay. i know i talk a lot about feeling guilty for not having an update for king and lionheart (and the cancer au before it) but in all honesty i know that it’s okay for me to take some time and deal with my real life. and, you know, it’s also okay to lose inspiration for a while and to take a step back until that inspiration comes back. i think it’s that fear of not being able to take longer breaks between updates that scares a lot of people off from even trying to write a multichap - as the queen of procrastination, i am here to tell you that it is 100% okay to start a multichap and to take a break and come back to it when necessary!

writing a multichap is very much like running a marathon - it requires a different kind of energy than a 400 meter sprint or a 1k fluffy oneshot. it’s gonna hurt and it’s gonna suck and there are gonna be times when you’re ready to just quit writing altogether. but there will be parts that are really fun and really easy and you’re gonna get some really great views along the way - and at the end when you cross that finish line and you’re able to check that “complete” box on ao3 before you post the last chapter, you won’t remember the parts that sucked. trust me!! i wouldn’t write as many as i do if the actual shitty parts of the writing process negated the good things that come from writing it and sharing it with other people!

it’s also worth noting that just because you get bored with an idea doesn’t mean that you can’t pick it up again later!!! honestly the first 2 or 3 paragraphs of on your heart like a tattoo sat in my google docs for MONTHS before i randomly decided one day to open it and take a crack at finishing it, and to this DAY i’m still getting people regularly commenting on it. every idea has its purpose and its place, even if it doesn’t always immediately seem like it.

i really hope this helps and i’m sorry if it doesn’t!!! you are such a kind and wonderful person and i absolutely adore you

[rea-can-yeet]

~SAGAU SELF INSERT~ How you were transported into Teyvat, if at all: on life support, cuz I swear I ain't going there just by me sleeping or being sucked in. If I'm on life support, it just signals me I ain't got enough time so I gotta clear my browser history. I only fear death if I have unfinished business. Subcategory AU, if any (soft, impostor, etc.): Soft+Disney au. (I could go for imposter since I am a stem student with questionable knowledge about things that are considered bio and chemical hazards, but I have reserved this idea for a future sagau comic) Your most favored acolytes: pls DON'T make me choose. I'll cri. Your ”...” acolytes :) : idk what that is??? If it's someone I hate, there'd be none? But that's only for the playable characters. People like Eula's relatives? Then yes, I hate them. How you bless/treat someone you like: Acts of service, verbal affirmations, studying and knowing more about them (outside the lore), socializing, gift giving, and compliments/honest criticism or feedback. How you curse/treat someone you dislike: It depends from different people to me actually. I don't really keep much grudges because I'm too lazy to emotionally maintain a negative emotion for too long when I could just dedicate my time for things that matter. That is only when people cross a certain line is where I will turn my switch. And that line is very far, as I'm not that easy to be swayed by anger, only at least two people in my life got that far with me. But since this is sagau, and I know they won't repeat the same mistake twice (or at least on purpose) I don't think I'll treat them any different. If they feel guilty and terrible to have wronged someone who's kind to them, well that's on them. I won't hold a grudge against Eula's relatives, but I won't be giving them my acknowledgment tho. How you prefer to be worshipped, if at all: I don't really care? Idk, i think it's just me, but me telling them to stop worshipping their god is like a Karen being a bitch towards another religion. I know they're praying to me, and I don't feel like I deserve the worship, and that I feel somewhat uncomfortable, but they've been at this for CENTURIES. This religion has been integrated into their cultures, has played a role in society's history, had affected the economy and the social norms. So I'll just let them be, of course I want them to treat me as an equal still, but I won't RUSH the process of getting them to change their ways. They'll slowly ease up with time :)

Your favorite aspects of being the creator: The AUTHORITY. Yes, I want them to treat me as an equal, but as a stem student that has also been an advocate to a lot of stuff, this will be so freaking USEFUL. Just imagine! Creating an efficient water system for health and environmental advantages, creating better academic systems, production of new materials and utilizing them that they will be considered normal to every household, new and efficient laws, rules and regulations that promote environmental health, gaining contributors for different research (that'll possibly reach the same level as earth or even higher!), there's just tons! And it can be achieved cuz I have the authority. I could help Teyvat thrive! Not just that, I could stick my nose to any information I want! If I learn a lot about Teyvat and the societal and economic systems, as well as politics and tension between the nations, if I study enough, i could find ways to help. But on a more selfish note, I would also want to study a lot of things in Teyvat just to know if any elements existed here that are present in earth (which will lead to more new possible productions), study how the world works and see if the theories on earth about Teyvat are correct or plausible, then lastly compare the natural laws of earth to Teyvat and try to make sense with it! (See me trying to understand and calculate how celestia works-). I'll probably worry my acolytes cuz I won't be needing sleep, I need answers. Edit: I'm basically rebuilding khaenri'ah under celestia's noses. Your least favorite aspects of being the creator: Privacy? Who that? I think she died when I arrived to Teyvat. couldn't visit her funeral sadly, not with all of these clingy acolytes around. I still love them and I don't mind them around uwu I'm just scared because I can be unapologetically myself without any filter and just plain weird in my natural habitat, I'm scared of what they think of me (especially the older characters) (Hu Tao and Itto are exceptions, I can expose myself to them lol). You hate it when your acolytes: Push themselves to the point of passing out just for my sake. Hnngg whyy??? Baby no, don't do that to yourselves, it's not worth it. How you usually spend your days: Aside from feeding my curiosity and making sure that whatever I create in Teyvat won't bring it's downfall, I'd be down to be lazy. Eat food, hang or chill with friends and animals. I might also do my hobbies like drawing and dancing. Enjoying some eye candies too.

Punishments: Nah. if it involves me, that ain't my thing. Too lazy to punish. Les forgive, it's so much easier to do lol. Consorts(?): 😳

-Mushroom Anon (yes I was the one who suggested it but I forgot to TM my own ask)-

~SAGAU SELF INSERT~

How you were transported into Teyvat, if at all:

Subcategory AU, if any (soft, impostor, etc.):

Your most favored acolytes:

Your ”...” acolytes :) :

How you bless/treat someone you like:

How you curse/treat someone you dislike:

How you prefer to be worshipped, if at all:

Your favorite aspects of being the creator:

Your least favorite aspects of being the creator:

You hate it when your acolytes:

How you usually spend your days:

Punishments:

Consorts(?):

If you want an accomplice, I’ll do it too xD

to anyone else feel free to join in!

sagau self insert’!

synopsis: chaos at 12am

How you were transported into Teyvat, if at all: one day, i was playing genshin and fell asleep and then woke up on the beach that traveller first came in and paimon was waking me up.

Subcategory AU, if any: soft for me. can’t imagine myself running away from my fav characters

Your most favored acolytes: kazhua, ei, xiao

your ….. acolytes: I CANY I DONT HATE ANYTIEJDN OF THEM 😭😭😭

How you bless/treat someone you like: my love language is words of affirmations so probably that or gift giving :>

how you curse/treat someone you dislike: it takes a lot to make me dislike you. so probably staying away from my acolyte and not letting them engage in affection

how you prefer to be worshipped: LMAO THIS IS GONNA SOUND WEIRD BUT I DONT REALLY MIND ALL THE OFFERJNGS AND STUFF. (also.. im lonely so spend time with me pls)

your fav aspect of being creator: having the most powerful ppl in teyvat doing my bidding whenever and whatever i want.

your least fav of being creator: not being to do, quote on quote. “dangerous things.”

you hate it when your acolytes: yell, like near me.

how you usually spend your days: sleeping in, morning routine, spending time with everyone, having some time to myself, sleep

punishments: :)

consorts: we’ll talk abt it….

(pls do this with me help

help its 12 and im going insane because i took a million sjots of espresio

kiroxdai out!!

[meandmyechoes]

The more I think about my first romance novel, the more I find something odd.

[28th March 17:46]

I keep referring to it as a ‘favourable experience’, and there is no question the writing is what made me fall totally head over heels about quin tress, but I also just, can't?

I mean, yes. It's very passionate, dramatic, scenes and gestures I can only dream of. And it's all very bisexual and fantastical of me. But I also, don't really see it in that 'omg they totally belong together here are my sixty headcanons of them' sense?

I am very involved in the pairing, but also don't really, actively 'ship' it — like the way I have the ability to with Rhayme or Latts (since it's the same author that indoctrinated me to Captain Rhayme). I could imagine them being happily ever after and silly shenanigans and slow-burn. But the concept of a quin tress fairytale ending is so wild. I can only ask if this has to do with my personal view on relationships. Does this tie back to how I say the hottest thing a heterosexual couple can do is fuck (and the spiritual experience is emphasized with a same-sex partner)? - anyway, ace brain (probably) speaking.

I know the plot leaves little room for 'the future' and fed me well on all tropes possible. But, it just never occurred to me to put them in any other clichés or invent a missing scene.

Winding up, I don't think their relationship is 'weak', but it's very motivated by circumstances and once you take that out of them, you are a little bit lost. For example even during the illicit affairs month, I… can't really propose one date that does not seem tonally insensitive. (I can think of them being cloak dorks and Vos bringing her to ice-cream, that's it, after a long hard moment) Really, all I possibly want is that sweet, sweet angst and canon is already there so I have no complaint.

It's just… I don't really get why it has to be the two of them that fall for each other. I understand why they did, and I believe it— Perhaps it's much more a physical attraction thing that I don't really have personal experience with.

I don't know if quin tress classify as slow-burn because 10 chapters still seem a little quick in the grand scheme of things. (aside: I'm quite disappointed Ventress wasn't doing much in the last quarter of the book.) My point is, they do feel a little bit puppet to tropes, and while it's deliciously written, there's not much potential outside of canon. And that lack of inspiration makes me grimace a little.

[3rd April, 01:39]

I’ve scrolled through the dd tag and let the book sank a little. I am better articulated to talk about the sexist criticism now.

It's a romance story, and when I judge it by that (lower) standard, it ticks the boxes. However, it might be a weakness as well, due to the projectability of the heroes. And yes, the whole assassination is dumb. Yet, tcw has been consistently this dumb at us. The last two times when she's more rooted in the dark she failed, sent Savage and failed, so she's gonna do it again with Vos… after she put down her desire for revenge. right. ans surprise! Our "assassination" plan is to find Dooku and duel him directly. right…

I've read a review that says the romance takes away from the plot. However, the romance IS the plot. The book IS supposed to revolve around the two of them. I do agree them becoming begrudging allies then partners is a more unique approach, more rewarding as foils as well. but I guess a romance is easier for the convention to process ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

With the "Ventress lose agency in falling for Vos". Now, I can't dictate how each of us buy into their physical attraction and chemistry (or lack thereof), and there's no denial that a conscious human being is making that choice for the fictional character, I think the stance on this topic is really tinted by the above two factors, which are very different starting points.

I kept Katie. Lucas's foreword vividly in mind while reading. She said this is a story about people seizing chances to rebuild. That there's always a choice. Cliché as it is, I believe ~the power of love~. I believe there exists someone you're willing to sacrifice everything for, to overlook everything for, to forgive - to love them, warts and all. So, yes whether you think Ventress loses her agency to the romance, or if that's a conscious choice on her behalf, is swayed heavily by how much you buy that they are the one.

[10th April, 10:30]

So Mr. Partner has finished the book too. He didn't offer particular insights, but we discussed briefly the overall pace and bits of characterization. He did made me rolled with laughter describing Vos through a childish, tropey lens. Regarding the topic of this documentation - the quin tress relationship, I've been more or less really enjoying it as a guilty pleasure. I don't read romance novels at all, and this is tooth-rotting sweet angst. 

Yesterday I’ve been thinking a bit more about this. I do love this ship, I just don’t believe they’d be two people who find each other again and again in every life time, in every universe. That’s why, as magnificent as fireworks, it also won’t last.

It's very nostalgic to indulge in a heterosexual relationship, and pair it up with taylor swift songs. If I have a boyfriend as devoted as Vos, I'd fall one hundred percent. And if I'm faced with an bombshell like Ventress, I would not be able to have any agency I swear. Either way, in my headcanon, Ventress is happily away on adventures with Lassa :3

To explore this, it’s not entire impossible for quin tress to separate peacefully after this incident, but would that cheapen the build before? The entire motivation of dark!Quinlan hinges on his vision of their future. And say, Ventress did saved him and survived. How would he balance being a Jedi and his feelings - that’s publicly exposed to the Council? (sidenote: i really don’t like Ch. 27 where a bunch of old men are questioning their love life, but uhhh yes, I’m a sensible person!) For now, I’m seeing another Obitine situation. And honestly how bad that an outcome is. It’s not like Ventress died for her war crimes! The show gave her a full pardon! So Idk man. Why can’t she leaves him because she loves him and she exiled herself and they never see each other again WHY NOT FILONI WHY NOT.

Now I’m lamenting more what could’ve been with the two arcs. In Filoni’s original sketch, Aayla and Maul were involved. Man, that could’ve been the dream. I skipped to translating the last two chapters and all the way I was just fuming at how stupid it was. There are difficult technical terms but I really enjoy voicing the characters. But it just takes away bit of that formality and Shakespearean tragic factor having them talk in my native tongue???? haha

Prelude: [12th March 22:37]

since dark disciple heteronormatively gave Rhayme and Ventress boyfriends, I'm gonna go ahead and sign the charter that says "all sw characters are bi"

which got me thinking, I insist that Quinlan and Ventress must fuck (and I insist they did, with the implication from when Quinlan "had seen her by starlight, just her"), but why didn't I think that way with Rhayme and her? Maybe it's because the story never pushed me there. I'd wish it indeed have more to do with I'm aspec than internalized homophobia (that I look down on everyone), but I also think, fucking is literally the hottest thing a heterosexual relationship can do? Every selling point, either be appearance or intellect, leads up to the ultimate goal of reproduction?

But oh my god, space lesbians, beating up pirates, sharing a wine, teasing hairs and finger tips. That's so goddamn romantic

[edit: i know that is an extremely skewered and unfair view, but i’ve met maybe, one, boy on my intellectual level. it’s a game of probability ok]

~~~

Part 2: [26th April, 15:15]

It has been… a month, since I finished Dark Disciple and I feel like it’s time to conclude all the thinking this book has made me do.

On the wider reflection about attachment and the Order, I still have to do more reading on it to form a concrete opinion. This theme won’t be touched on in this post yet, but I cannot shake how intriguing it is to compare “falling” in love to falling to the dark side. The temptation, and the submission to their emotions, the irrationality, the newfound curiosity, it all incites. Very curiously, it was Anakin. Skywalker who commented that one is “blinded by love”

Okay, so what I’ve been scratching my head off the past two weeks is how I look at the romance between Asajj. Ventress and Quinlan. Vos. How would I define it?

Now this is as much as an exploration of how I view romantic relationships. Well, I’ve decided it wasn’t “love”, it was an “affair”. It was an affair because it’s a rush of passion, it’s a secret, it won’t last. Before I chop my own head off for bluntness, I mean it in, of course they are hopelessly in love with each other, that’s the exact premise of why it moved me so. But it wasn’t a complete relationship, wasn’t a healthy, sustainable one by any objective standards. Then, that’s the exact contradiction. Oh to throw caution in the wind with you, or to build a future with you?

Both are things I want a lot, and the ideal is of course one after the other. What quin tress had (in the end) is definitely not something I’d want for myself, but it’s so fantastical, it’s alluring, just like the concept of falling in love - opening up yourself and trusting another person, is - it’s risky. That’s why it’s a sweet, sweet drug.

I’ve been so angry at all the red flags in this relationship. Reading this book, getting into both of their shoes, yelling NO like their best friends. But ultimately, what they had is unique to them and I can’t influence it in any way. Re-reading, I find myself holding myself back at all the places I was furious about going ‘You are smarter than this!’. Because it’s a tragedy, and the beautiful thing is they chose each other (I guess).

The other day something on the dash inspired me to really think about ship dynamics. I, unashamedly admit, I’m VERY into Obi/Quin/Ventress in any and all combinations. *cough* I will not explain further.

Aside, the elephant was I’ve never been in a relationship or felt physically attracted to any person in my life. I suppose that’s a reason it took some time for me to really buy into them more than friends. I do accept the premise and I did discover they share quite a bunch of traits, but it confused me a while what made them cross the boundary, and it was, physical attraction (that the book was selling so hard I was blushing hot). But what really frustrates me, not that I couldn’t invest into two paper people’s love story, but was why my body is governed by hormones so bad. I could say things I wouldn’t dare depending on the day of the month. I have to be honest, I love them both a lot, and I would like to date them both, and I can see myself in either of them. Again comes another contradiction, is it a good thing to have characters so easily projectable, or do I want to see myself in more complex characters like them?

I probably lost quite a few cars stalling this train of thought. This book brought me a lot of emotional upheavals and a lot of food for thought. It brought me down to reflect on my romantic worldview and sexuality because I have nothing better to do. It totally challenged me as a writer and it’s just a really good novel by its right, regardless of the absurdity that is The Clone Wars. It’s a lot of firsts for me. And I really should find something better to do.

[shark-myths]

2017 Writing Reflection

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

@horsegirlharry tagged me in this! I have been in a brief writing hiatus while I study for my licensing exam (read: I am all the way dead inside) and I miss it so, so much! Looking back over this year made me HYPE to return to the Peterick motherland in 2018.

1. List of works published this year:

Processions

V Day

Be Careful Making Wishes

Small Things

Love’s A Universe

If It Helps You Control Yourself

Fall Out Boy: Live In Tokyo

Like A Chapel In A Hospital

Yes Or No, But No Maybes

Romance Is Dead

Joe Troh Band Ho

Leaves a Mark

The Mad Key

In Every Universe

Saint Anthony

The Difference Between Real Love and the Love On TV

Smash The Mirror, Break The Palm Reader’s Hand

Girl Out Boy

The Opposite of Amnesia

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

This can’t possibly be a surprise to anyone because it’s all I can talk about, but GIRL OUT BOY. I found so much of myself in that story, far more than I ever expected to. I have never written anything more important or more impactful. Every single person who read it and told me it was important to them too, that they felt something, that it allowed them to understand their young selves differently or more kindly, made me cry. Literally every one of them. It’s the best thing I have ever done.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I don’t know if I’ve ever published anything that I wasn’t proud of? I’m either arrogant or self-assured, idk. There’s stuff that turns cringey or embarrassing with age, of course, but I think everything I’ve put up this year is solid writing and good storytelling. The closest answer I have to this is that it’s really surreal that I posted two AFI fics this year, because it feels like it’s been a literal lifetime since I was in that headspace. I have an awkward-guilty relationship to my works in that fandom now, but I think that they are still good technically, and Small Things was an intensely personal and important piece about my ED experience, so I’m still glad I wrote it and proud of the work I put in.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

My favorite single scene I wrote this year was the horseshoe crab scene in Girl Out Boy. It makes me laugh so hard. I almost copied and pasted the whole thing here before deciding on this:

What’s ‘boyfriend’ but another word for ‘someone who fucks other girls when you’re not looking’? No, Pete doesn’t belong to anybody anymore. Not even herself. Pete leaves grim, surly Andy at the bar, saying nonsensically, “Be our lighthouse. Guide us home” before she drags Pat out onto the cramped, sweaty dance floor.

Jo, of course, is already in the center of it, just as drunk as Pat and spinning like she personally was elected club disco ball. Pete grabs Jo by the hips and dances up on her, laughing when Jo realizes it’s her and starts grinding and booty popping with abandon. They dance til the club seems to spin of its own accord, three girls linked by heat and heartbeat and meant to be. Pete feels like the brightest thing in the room. She tips her head back, shows her throat to the ceiling ‘cause the sky’s all that she’ll submit to, laughs and laughs. If enough people see her having a good time, she must be. Happiness is brittle and splintery. It’s other people’s eyes that make things real.

Pete gets distracted for a little while by a Tall Dark and Random who hooks her by the belt loops and moves his body with a passion that moves her in return. She feels manageable under his big hands—like she can be broken down, bite-size, and swallowed. It is good to feel hands on her, like someone else is holding her together for once. His mouth is on her neck, stubble and teeth, and she thinks about how soft and vulnerable she is in all the places she gives away, how bitter and rough she is in those few hardscrabble places she keeps for herself. She’s just drunk enough to be strung between caring too much about everything and not caring about anything. His hands on her body either feel good or like nothing at all.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

Okay, like I said, literally every comment I got on Girl Out Boy is basically etched on my heart forever, so this is impossible. One person said “Your writing is always where fic and lyrics collide” though, and that was pretty amazing, because I spend a lot of time steeping in lyrics and then weaving them into fic, and I’m always delighted when people have a positive response to that. Another amazing comment was when someone proposed marriage to my tryst theory and then we planned the wedding together. (It’s next Halloween. You’re all invited.)

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I very nearly died while writing Smash The Mirror, Break The Palm Reader’s Hand. I was so absolutely stuck and running up against a deadline, and I felt like every word of it was garbage, and it sucked to have to fight and struggle so hard for each word when it seemed like I was producing crap. Luckily my amazing beta @immoral-crow came along and said kind, soft things, and I started to see value in the work and get excited. I’m really fond of the fic now, and I love how it came out all dreamy—I was trying to channel Sarah McCarry or Francesca Lia Block and I think I did okay at that. I’m a pretty lazy writer—when it’s not working or doesn’t feel good, I’ll usually stop and come back later when things are flowing. Which means that I have noooo self-discipline when I’m up against a wall, and I get very pitiful. I complaind more in the month I was writing that fic than I did in the rest of 2017 combined, probably. Me every 2 seconds: why is it sooooooooo hard, why is my life like this, cut off my hands I shall never write again

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

They surprise me constantly! I’m a discovery writer—it’s fun for me because I generally have no idea what’s going to happen next and I’m delighted when the characters show me. One surprise was when I was writing The Difference Between Real Love and the Love On TV, and I had to write a sex scene but it kept ending itself in a fade-out and then I’d have to go back and try again. That’s why the big sex scene in that fic plays like the end of Lord of the Rings. I couldn’t write it through without a million cut-aways.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

- I wrote about queer women and their interiority in a really intentional way, which challenged me and moved me and helped me know myself better.

- I did Bandom Big Bang, wrote a fic-by-request for a fundraiser, and participated in Bandom Bingo 2017. That’s a lot of writing for specific prompts and on specific timelines that was different for me—usually I just write what I feel when I feel it. I’ve definitely been learning better discipline as a result.

- I’ve always been a really personal writer, but somehow it took me this long to realize that instead of writing out my issues through band member proxies, I could literally make them queer women and figure out my shit directly. An unusually large bit of what you’ve read of my work this year is cribbed directly from my life or my experiences.

- I made more writer friends and deliberately read and commented on more fic and I started working with a beta for the first time in my life!

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I want to do even more of the above! Especially reading other people’s fic. I read a ton of traditionally published books, but I learned how to write from fanfiction and I want to get back into the habit of reading more of it! Yeah, that’s an open invitation to send in your recs.

I’m also hoping to work with my new pal @conditionsofhappiness to learn how to do that neat writerly thing called ‘revision’ and get more disciplined. And I want to focus more on representation in my work, especially making room for POV characters of color, because that’s something we aren’t great at in fandom and I think we could do better. (That’s why I wrote Saint Anthony, and it’s the best short thing I’ve written in ages! I’m hoping to do more of that in 2018.)

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

@immoral-crow, who is there for me for every problem whether it’s in-story or not. She betas my life as well as my work, and she always has something to say that I need to hear. She helps me celebrate women and rage at the heteropatriarchy, we read amazing books together, her kindness may well be bottomless, and sometimes, if I am very very good, she Facetimes me drunk and pink and silly. She’s my first beta after 15 years of writing rogue, and I have no idea how I ever lived without her.

@horsegirlharry, who journeyed out of the black pit of AFI fandom with me this year (we climbed a ladder of rainbows to escape) and has celebrated fandom community and girlhood and softness and vulnerability with me all year. She is the staunchest supporter of my commitment to the FOB fandom, to goodness and love, and to whatever project I’m excited about. I am so proud of both of us for how we’ve let ourselves grow!

And any of you who have read my work and told me how it impacted you. That shit literally keeps me going. This year and every year, I would not exist without you guys. 

 11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Always. I am more obsessed with my relationship with myself and my own past than Pete Wentz, istg. The most egregiously stolen-from-my-life things this year are the entire fic Small Things and the Girlsploration of Pat Stump in Girl Out Boy, when she’s reviewing her history and realizing belatedly how incredibly gay it is. Every story about every girl Pat recalls in that bit literally actually happened to me. My life is so specifically embarrassing.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

> Write! The most amazing thing about writing is that you can package up something deeply personal and true about you and just—send it out into the ether. That means people who are ideally suited to befriend and care for you are likely to find it, to find you. I make most of my friends by posting fanfiction on the internet and letting nice strangers bound up to me and start conversations. It doesn’t matter what you’re writing or if it’s ‘good enough.’ The way to get connected to your community and find your people, the way to get better and to learn, the way to get involved in something that will inspire and motivate you and possibly change your life, is just to write and put it out there. I didn’t expect a single person to read Girl Out Boy but I wanted to write it anyway, so I did, and it’s the best thing I did with my whole year. So seriously. Write.

> Some people are assholes and that’s okay. You’re writing for yourself and your friends. Anyone who doesn’t fall into those categories is humbly invited to choose any dick in the world and suck it. Seriously—if someone is hurting you, you don’t need to listen to them, and that doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad writer. Relatedly: if you aren’t enjoying your work, put it down. Write something else. This should feel good.

> Write 20 Minutes. This is how I bully myself when I’m procrastinating or having trouble getting into a flow. Make a commitment to spend 20 minutes really writing—no tumblr, no cell phone, no distractions. Turn off the wifi. Put your phone under a pillow in the other room. And just write, or try to, really honestly for 20 minutes. When the timer goes off, if it still feels sucky, stop! Writing isn’t working today so don’t worry about it! You made a serious attempt, and now you don’t have to feel guilty. Seriously, guilt will kill you. It will never help you produce more words. Try being kind to yourself instead. You’re doing great, even if you only got seven and a half words down in that whole 20 minutes.

> Take a notebook out in public and write! This is one of my favorite treats to myself, even though it’s hard to make myself actually leave my cozy house when the moment comes. In public, you will be so bored and avoidant of stranger small talk that you’ll be forced to focus on your work. It’s also really nice to get a change of scenery, and signal to your brain that it’s time to be intentional and engaged! Try coffee shops and libraries and parks and whatever the most beautiful places are in your town.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

If you saw the length of the “Peterick Ideas” doc in my phone you would be horrified. Um, I want to write everything all the time! I’m already thinking about the next installment of Girl Out Boy (it has a playlist), I’m planning a StormPilot fic, and I’m open to suggestions.

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read.

@leyley09, @immoral-crow, and @beckettsthoughts!

[literallytouko]

long post  ahead venting about a recent cosplay experience

I was supposed to be in a cosplay group this weekend run by a somewhat well known cosplayer. She has a lot of sewing experience and had recently made a pattern for the  group’s characters, which I bought and made. There was an understanding that if you got good photos of the cosplay, she would reimburse you for part of the cost of the pattern, but you didn’t have to buy the pattern, you could purchase the costume finished elsewhere or do it yourself or whatever. Quite frankly, I just wanted to do the cosplay and meet up, it seemed like fun, it was a character I had wanted to do for a long time but was too shy, and I wasn’t really  concerned about trying to get reimbursed for the costume.

 I worked super hard on the cosplay, right up until a few days before the con, and quite honestly stressed myself out a lot. The cost of the pattern was a bit pricey, but I didn’t mind because a) it was to support a fellow cosplayer, b) it was supposed to come with video tutorials walking you through the costume. However the creator wasn’t able to produce the videos, she said she was having trouble with the editing software and she couldn’t complete them. She had one already existing that covered how to make a small portion of the costume but the rest was left alone. There were no other instructions. The pattern pieces themselves, once assembled, were very nice, but there was a lot of the construction that was left unclarified, and frankly, while none of it was incredibly difficult, I really needed those instructions. At almost every step of the process, I realized I had done something wrong, or backwards, or in the wrong order, and had to rip the stitches of what I’d just done and start again. The whole thing took me probably twice as long as it should have Furthermore, the pattern didn’t include things like notions or amounts of fabric. The pattern maker made a post in a private facebook group for those cosplaying as to recommended fabric types and amounts and other needful things, and while most of it was fine, the amounts of fabric and interfacing needed were grossly incorrect. I’d almost be willing to say it’s my fault for maybe cutting the fabric in an inefficient way, but as there was also no cutting guide with the pattern, I really have no clue. At the very least, the amount of recommended interfacing was not enough, compared to the pattern. I worked through it all and made do. I had a long delay in the making of the costume because I had to order more fabric to complete it.

The con came, and the group itself couldn’t agree on a day and time to meet. At the formation of the group, a couple of months before, one day seemed to be agreed upon, but about a week before the convention, another member wanted to change it, because the girl who was leading the whole group, who had created the pattern, wanted to compete in this outfit at the cosplay competition. Which is fine, and she’s welcome to, but some of us had already made plans that can’t be rearranged. We all sort of looked to the girl leading the group for guidance - she was also cosplaying one of the main characters - but as it turns out, she herself hadn’t even finished her cosplay, and was up in her hotel room still sewing it, as well as at least one other costume. 

The originally agreed upon day and time came. About half the original group met up, and we ran into another girl cosplaying the same character as I was, and invited her to join us for a few fun photos. The girls I met were all nice, I liked ‘em a lot, and it was fun, but I was disappointed as a whole. The girl who didn’t finish her costume, who again created the entire pattern to begin with, was supposed to be my character’s counterpart, and all day in that costume I’d been asked “where is your ______” and I just had to tell them it was just me.  All in all it wasn’t a big deal, but I had worked really really really hard on this and was feeling a little hung out to dry. 

The next day arrived, the girl finished her cosplay, wore it to the costume competition, and won two awards.

 I get not finishing in time but I just don’t understand how that happens when we’re talking something that is your design, to begin with. It makes me question whether she actually had the instructional videos done, if being unable to edit the videos was just an excuse. I don’t know how you can also let down a group that large, but still go on to compete. I mean, at that point, what is done is done, and there is no real reason she SHOULDN’T have competed, it would just make me, personally, feel guilty, is all. it’s totally possible that the other half of the group that didn’t show on Day 1 was there on Day 2 so maybe she didn’t let down “the whole group” but I honestly have no idea. Also, I feel like you can make the argument that the whole cosplay group is to her benefit, so it feels a little weird to not show? Those of us that bought her product, she gets the benefit of having photos of real people wearing her work, which in theory helps her sell more patterns and make money. Why kind of blow off folks who in essence are doing you a favor? I was (and am) annoyed. but my partner was also very secondhand annoyed on my behalf. He probably could see how bummed I was, and having watched me put my blood, sweat, and tears into this costume for weeks, only to sort of see us snubbed, seemed to upset him, not to mention the way folks acted a little weird towards me as one character in what should have been a duo. He made a facebook post about it that wasn’t accusing, but I think it could have easily been read that way, and now the original pattern-making, group-leading, character-counterpoint-to-mine girl seems to be ignoring me on Facebook. I feel bad but also I feel like I, and other girls, might have been put into a less than ideal situation as well, and it’s poop all around. I hope she isn’t offended, I don’t know her well but she seems cool enough and I would enjoy being friends but also IDK. Honestly at this point, because I am feeling so underwhelmed by the whole thing, it’s put into perspective how hard I worked on the costume, with a pattern that was missing a lot of components that it should have had, and I feel like now I NEED to find photos of myself from the weekend, because like...had I had a good time, I would have felt justified in paying as much as I did, but now I feel like it wasn’t worth what I paid.

I absolutely DO NOT want to get caught up in cosplay drama, that’s the absolute last thing I am about; I just like dressing up and hanging out with / making new friends. Maybe that’s what disappoints me the most, I worked hard to be a part of what should have been a really great experience to hang out and make new friends with folks, bonding over a common experience of having made these costumes and liking these characters, but the making of was way more difficult than it needed to be, and I thought the end result of actually meeting up would be more fulfilling but it was just kind of a wah-wah-wah moment.  

[akira-seijuro]

1/3 Last brain pill

I should have been something else. I could have made more days less painful for everyone. I love my family, friends more than I love myself. I can't do it. I can't love myself enough to let them go.

On 27th April, 2020, one of the anti depressants that I have been taking for over an year, is over. My doc, reduced the dosage and I think I'm finally done with it and I was so damn fucking happy. I think, for the first time in my entire life, including my childhood, I don't see myself as a victim anymore. Victim of being bullied, unfriended, heartbreak, academics and most importantly my friends and family.

This lockdown is like shit worst. I can't even imagine people being alone and trying to take care or themselves. It's nightmare. I can't even imagine myself in my pg or my hostel room anymore. I mean, sure I could have survived like I did all those years, but that chronic self care obsession would just make me let go of myself. On May 31st 2020, I'll be officially completing one year of my medication and June 2nd would be my father's first death anniversary and July 15th would be the time I probably saw my friend, for the last time, who totally instilled hope in me. I'd probably never see him again.

I could have been better. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know if it was my best thinking now. I could have been more patient, a better daughter. I could have been more honest, a better friend. I could have been more kind to myself. I lived in fear for so long, I don't care about my last minute anymore. I don't am have any regrets. I tried my best. I don't like when people say 'Poor you, take care of your mum. You had to go through so much at a very young age. Everybody goes through this. Everybody dies sometime. I get it, I understand your pain.'

I think what I wanted was 'It's alright. I believe in you. We'll be ok. We will go through this shit together and finally make peace with it someday.' I did have my best friend saying that to me until January 2nd, 8.30pm. Now I don't know where he is. How he is doing. I wanted to escape my life so badly, I wanted to run away from my bitterness. But it was all inside of me. I didn't want my dad's death another thing for people to say sorry for. It means something for me. Sometimes he means everything to me. Every little piece of my existence belongs to my parents. I love them very much that I can't be this girl who went through her childhood without almost making a single friend. But yeah, teenage is shit. I changed. A lot. I became more open, accepting, strong and brave. I was never afraid to tell the truth, I used to postpone but I know I would do it anyway, I would do what feels right to me. C'mon I proposed 2 guys. It was real. The love I felt. I think being in love makes you feel that everything is possible, mostly that it deepens the hope that someday you'll be happy. Chill. Both are one sided and failures. I've never been loved or cared that way. I don't think I need to. I mean my friends wholeheartedly love me and would go almost out of their way to do anything that would make me feel better at times. I never looked for a fucking replacement of the man whom I loved the most. No body can be that man who chants my name to feel better while in pain.

Rather than hurting people. I think I scared alot of people away because of my love. I guess it's so intense and feels weird. I don't know. I've started therapy for the first time in my life on October 23rd 2016, because I couldn't bear the fact that I couldn't wish the person on his birthday because my existence was irksome i guess. I still don't know what it was. But yeah. It continues till April 30th 2016 while I was in college. Every week Thursday at 3pm, a counselling session. I felt more accepted and more cared for with the space I wanted there. But frankly, I started therapy because I just wanted someone to listen to me and just try to not have an opinion good or bad about my pain, but be with me while I was processing it. I went there because I thought they'd not have any choice but to listen because I paid. But it was the best thing I did in my life. My dad's illness came back again. I mean March 2nd 2012 to December 17th 2012 is not enough. I was a lid. I didn't process shit. I just believed in god blindly and performed my duties of packing, buying groceries, boarding public transportation, learning how to ride a scooty without ever having a cycle, waiting outside operation theatre, outside radiation hall, outside chemo sessions, all while preparing for my bard exams and jee mains. I just blocked it out. All the pain and emptiness. It had to come again. Being close friends with dad, his illness pushed me to the edge of depression and I was meds which he manipulated me to stop after reaching home. I would isolate myself and would be blamed for it later. I would feel guilty that the person, my best friend whomi trusted the most left me to hang dry. Actually 2 of them. Then comes the job.

But I came to Bangalore with my cousin. When I entered royal orchid for my job orientation everyone is with someone and I was all alone. Just how I entered my college. All alone from Hyderabad to Surathkal. I opened my door, saw my roommate with her family came out and cried so much for my dad. He called my cousin and then he came to see me. It's new for him as well. So I dont blame. My dad knew what I needed until he knew he was gonna die sometime soon. I suffered, wished it to end. I tried therapy and meds again but I felt its hopeless and I stopped once the side effects were horrible from July 2017. My therapist was wonderful though. I loved her. I felt like she's my friend and I didn't want to go down that lane so I stopped. Then people told me that I'm so pessimistic to think 2018 December 22nd would be my last birthday with dad. You know it's not the worst thing to imagine the worst, sometimes its callous reality. Some doctor said this. You dont know what your people want whether they want to fight on ventilator or not. But it would be nice to get to know them. My stomach turned in may so much that I thought something bad is going to happen to my dad the whole time. Once he was scared and the practical prank he pulled took a toll on me and I colored my hair blue. It became green. I wanted to cut ties with my family and friends. No body was there then, all my friends were on business trips or we had a fight. But I made a new friend who's accepting and weird. Then another new friend with whom I randomly broke out after storming out of a meeting. I guess I started developing feelings for the former one. I didnt want all that shit because I know it's not going to work out or that it won't be reciprocated. So, I didnt want that shit to make my suffering much worse. So I realized everything is so messed up and I needed help. I stuttered and stammered dude while my dad thought he was dying but didnt. I barely remember what words I spoke or repeated. Well, second time when they called, it's true. Anyway on 31st may, with all the complications I decided I might need meds because even my body is going out of control now. Then on 1st I get that call and had to dye my hair back to brown and go see him there. This time no words came out of my mouth, it's like I forgot all the languages and how to form sentences. I couldn't promise him that I'll come out of depression, so I said I'd try in my head which obviously didnt come out because, well, like I said my body wasnt under my control. Then the only thing I wanted him to know about my life is Ayushman, lets call my first love that. I dont want to name. That I love Ayushman so much but he doesn't and its ok. I called to tell him about my new friends Bhavana and Bennington, let's call second guy that. But instead it all turned out something. But once after all that agony injecting rituals and processes, I came back and the only person o wanted to see and talk was Bennington. Then I realised what I was feeling and I accepted it and felt good that while grieving, I was able to love and not feel guilty about it. True, I tried very hard, wanted to cross oceans for him. I wanted to be there for him. But then I didn't want to force it. I don't know what the fuck I did anyway. Then a lot happened, prathista entered my life and I was loved and accepted and I could feel people wanting good for me. And that's all I needed. Besides the belief thing. Some more fights with my best friend sneha, with whom I got matching tattoos.

Then my best friend, lets call him sunshine had to like go out of the world to save love. I was alone. I was a workaholic. Knowing that someone loved me gave me immense energy to work harder, to do more good. But then Voila, my mom and cancer again. God. I didnt feel that someone is inflicting pain or that I'm a victim. I felt that these things happen and its life. It's bad but it's how it went in my life. I have no control over what happens to her. Whenever I assist her or do some stuff, I keep correlating with my dad's time with cancer. It gets so confusing. Idk. I love my mum too. I grieve. I cry. For both mum, dad. Sometimes for sunshine and Bennington. But I think it's ok. It's not something to feel bad or sorry for. It's a part of my life. I am glad I was able to back to my friendships. Gowtami, Chandu, Bokade are like pillars of support for me. I realised being kind is a way to deal with the crisis. I liked the way I lived for the first time. But I'd do anything for the people I love. I'm not going to force it. I wish them all good. People keep saying I'm strong and brave explicitly. No, I was always them. They are implicit things. Thats my character. Being able to be strong, brave, vulnerable, real honest, intense and sometimes messy. Anyway 2 more brain pills to go and still more therapy sessions. They will end when they should. I am glad that this is something that I did for myself. It's my effort despite all the discouragements I've faced about it. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I'm so glad it has a name. I miss my dad very much right now. My mom's chicken curry too. I miss my friends.

Love,

B.