#I eat fast food maybe once a year tops and it always makes me so sick

[angelnumber27]

In America one of the big problems is that everything is designed to keep us sick so that we have to continue spending outrageous amounts of money on healthcare. They should really just call it sick care.. they don’t want people to get better. This country is a business and money is the top priority always

[darkmatilda]

𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 | 𝐬.𝐫𝐞𝐢𝐝

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: a spontaneous idea for a new year's eve party doesn't seem so brilliant anymore when there's so much to do and so little time left. and when the sound of fireworks wakes you up with flashbacks. but luckily, reid's right there with you. as always.

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬/𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐭𝐰: spencer x newbau!female reader, baking cookies together, the beginning is really chaotic, reader has a panic attack and flashbacks from time when she was a hostage (in my previous fic but there's no need to read it before. no major references as usual), mention of shooting. penelope garcia slaying. glasses read one more time (will i ever get bored of this?) a lot of jokes (successful i hope) most of the fic is very fluffy, inspired by new year's eve by taylor swift (i recommend listening to this song on repeat while reading)

𝐚/𝐧: this is probably one of my fav fics of mine, i literally cried while writing (because there's no one to clean up the bottles with me on new year's day)

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬: 6k

“Okay, I think we’ve got everything. Although, do you think we have enough types of cheese...?”

“There’s so much cheese it won’t even fit on one board, Pen.”

“Exactly, so maybe we should make two…”

“Hey, look. Do you think these glasses will work for champagne?”

“Two boards—one with cheese, more savory, and the other with…”

“Because I don’t think I have any others. Jesus, I need to wash these; they’re fucking sticky…”

“…and on the second one, we’ll arrange the cookies we’re going to bake…”

“Shit, the cookies. I’m not even sure if this oven works…”

“Wait, did we even buy olives? Fuck, how could we forget olives…”

“Screw the olives! Wash the glasses if you can, and I’ll check the oven…”

“What do you mean, screw the olives?! How the fuck are you supposed to make a cheese board without olives?!”

For about twenty minutes now, you and Garcia had been running around the kitchen in your house, talking over each other non-stop and hardly listening. A grocery bag sat unopened on the kitchen island, you hadn’t started preparing a single one of your overly ambitious snacks, and some pesky gremlin was doing flips on your shoulder, whispering tauntingly, you know it’s highly likely the milk in your fridge is expired, right?

Well, that’s just how it goes when you decide to throw a New Year’s Eve party spontaneously—on New Year’s Eve afternoon. Honestly, it was a fucking miracle so many people agreed to come. And once they said yes, there was no backing out. You had to organize everything: the food, decorating your house, outfits, makeup. With every passing minute, Penelope was transforming into a full-blown organizational beast, completely unsure what to tackle first. The two cute space buns on top of her head had fallen apart, leaving her blonde curls loosely cascading down her neck—not that she even seemed to notice.

You, on the other hand, were losing steam fast. All you wanted was to curl up in a ball on the floor and eat cheese without bothering to arrange it on a board in an aesthetic way. Two types of people under time pressure. 

To make matters worse, the doorbell rang.

“Coming!” you shouted, your voice so filled with irritation that, if you were in the visitor’s shoes, you’d have turned and run for your life. Quickly, you opened the fridge and sniffed the damned milk. No signs of spoilage, thank fuck. There was no way you had time to go back to the store…

You made it to the door, and halfway there, you realized you were still holding the open bottle of milk you had forgotten to put back. You sighed, turned around, and with a double dose of rage, anxiety, and sheer insanity, you finally opened the door.

"Hey," Reid greeted, standing on the doorstep. His glasses were perched on his nose, and his hair was slightly tousled from the rather strong wind that day. Without even looking at you, he pointed to the brown bag hanging from his shoulder. "So, about those board games, when you invited me, I decided to look something up online and ordered one that I think you'll like. It's inspired by the works of Jane Austen, and players take on the roles of characters from the Regency era..."

"Is someone trying to sell you something, or what?" You heard Penelope's voice from the kitchen.

"Anyway, I ordered it, but unfortunately, it didn’t arrive, so I just grabbed chess and..."

You could only manage a confused shake of your head.

"Reid, with all due respect, but what the hell are you talking about?"

He looked at you as if you’d asked him for the juicy details of raccoon marital life.

"You invited me over for New Year’s," he reminded you, frowning slightly, as if wondering whether he’d gotten something wrong—like the day, maybe. "Me and Garcia. We were supposed to play board games..."

Your mouth dropped open as you suddenly remembered he was absolutely right. You had invited him. For board games. And then forgot to cancel after you’d all decided to spend the evening in a completely different way.

"Give me just a second," you said, and without waiting for a reply, slammed the door in his face.

Then you screamed. Stomping your foot like a frustrated child. Why, oh why, did you have the memory of a goldfish? Forgetting literally everything, from buying those damn olives to canceling this meeting. Why did the last day of the year have to suck so much? Why couldn’t anything in your life just go smoothly?

"The plans have… slightly changed," you explained with an apologetic smile when you reopened the door. 

Reid rocked slightly on his heels, his hand clenched around the strap of his bag. He had clearly heard what happened after you closed the door and looked as though he was debating whether to hand you a note with the number of a good psychiatrist.

"But that doesn't mean I'm kicking you out," you assured him quickly. "I’m really, really glad you decided to come, seriously. So, sorry about how things turned out. But still—will you come in? Garcia's here."

He shrugged and followed you inside.

"What exactly does plans have changed mean?" he asked.

He didn’t look around the room—he’d been to your house countless times before. Lately, for the past few months, with an increasing frequency. But he did stare curiously at a disheveled Penelope, who was busy loading glasses into the dishwasher.

"Well, we met up for lunch," she began explaining without even turning to face him. You didn’t waste the little time you had either, pulling ingredients for cookies out of the fridge. "We talked a bit about Derek and Elle spending New Year’s Eve in the Maldives. And our princess here decided that she wasn’t going to spend the evening in a nerdy way, playing nerdy board games, with two nerds like us..."

"I didn’t say that!" you protested indignantly.

"...while they’re sipping cocktails on the beach and having a great time. And so, it turned out we’re throwing a party."

The explanation came to an end, and Reid listened to it all without much emotion on his face, something you caught out of the corner of your eye. But you didn’t expect him to be devastated. After all, it wasn’t as if you had canceled an event the two of you had been counting down to like prisoners marking days on their cell walls, eagerly awaiting freedom.

Standing by the kitchen island, he glanced at you, then at Garcia, then behind him, as if unsure whether he should stay or politely excuse himself and leave.

“You’re invited, by the way,” you clarified, because while you thought it was obvious, maybe it wasn’t so clear to him. “So, yeah, if you’re planning to come, you have no choice—you have to help me bake these cookies. Get with it.”

You tossed him one of the aprons. The other you began tying around your waist.

Reid caught the object you threw, looked at it with furrowed brows, then shifted his gaze to you, a hint of something resembling a smile flickering across his face.

“Who said I’m planning to come?” he asked.

His mock-offensive tone didn’t quite match what he was doing—slipping the apron over his head. It made you snort.

“Oh, what, got other plans, pretty boy?” Penelope teased. “Some wild party at the book club?”

She leaned over to close the dishwasher. But instead of straightening up, she froze in place, staring at her reflection in the machine’s door. Her jaw dropped, and she gasped in something close to horror.

“What happened to my hair? I look... I look like…”

“Like a homeless caveman who just barely won a fight with lightning?” you suggested in a syrupy tone. “But only just.”

“Excuse me for a moment,” she huffed.

She left the kitchen, the sound of her heels echoing as she headed upstairs to the bathroom. Reid turned to himself with a smug expression.

“Does a caveman qualify as homeless if he lives in a cave…”

You interrupted him with your outstretched hand, pressing it to his mouth.

“Cookies, Reid. Not philosophy.”

You were planning to bake simple butter cookies in the shape of stars, and then decorate them with edible glitter. You started pulling out all the necessary ingredients from the fridge and cabinets, which were soon covering the countertop in your kitchen. You stood side by side, and your eyes were drawn to the rolled-up sleeves of his shirt, barely touching his wrists. Unable to resist, you grabbed his hand and started rolling the sleeves up to his elbows.

"You could've just told me..." he began, looking at you in surprise.

You merely shrugged. You found yourselves facing each other, and you nodded towards his other hand, which he gave you after a brief hesitation. Just like before, you rolled up the sleeve of his shirt, but this time much more slowly. As more of his skin appeared before your eyes, you gathered yourself to speak.

"I feel a bit bad about how things turned out with the games," you admitted, not looking up to meet his gaze. You focused on his hand, holding it by the knuckles.

"It's okay," he reassured you, his voice soft without a hint of reproach.

"I should've warned you earlier," you continued stubbornly. "Instead of doing it last minute. And, you know, if you don't want to come to this party, that's totally okay. I know you were expecting something different..."

"I was expecting to spend time with you," he interrupted, then paused to clear his throat. It was then that you realized you were still holding his hand. His fingers trembled slightly when you let go, and he immediately shoved it into his pocket—perhaps to hide it. "We can have a game night another time. On a different day. Like, this weekend, for example. If you'd want, of course. Not that I'm pressuring you..."

"I would like that," you assured him, looking up at him with a smile, amused by his over-explaining. It always charmed you. You used to think it was because you didn't know each other well and he still felt nervous around you, but as time passed, you came to realize that maybe that was just how he was. "Seriously. And it's not just because I feel guilty about how I left you hanging today. I'm genuinely curious about that game you ordered. It’s inspired by Austen's novels, right?"

He started to tell you more about it, while you both added the first ingredients into a large glass bowl. As he began to knead the dough with his hands, you leaned your elbow on the countertop, propping your chin on your hand, listening to him.

"...one of the symbols of excess in 17th century England was a dish called A Pie of a Thousand Birds..."

You wondered when the conversation had shifted to this topic, while Penelope was still in the bathroom.

 "...containing various kinds of birds, sometimes in different layers, cooked together. In the earliest records of this dish, it mentions anywhere from a dozen to several dozen birds such as quails, chickens, geese..."

Reid suddenly stopped when his gaze landed on you. He must have been so absorbed in kneading the dough and sharing this tidbit with you that he was completely unaware of the fact that you were staring at him.

You raised an eyebrow questioningly.

 "Is something wrong?"

"No," he quickly assured you, adjusting his glasses on his nose. He had a bit of dough on his skin, which seemed to escape his notice. He furrowed his brow, trying to remember where he'd left off. "And... quails..."

You couldn't bring yourself to tell him he'd already mentioned them. Instead of that, you moved from your spot, slowly lifting your hands off the counter and approached him to wipe away the stray bit of dough beneath his eye. Reid, wanting to make sure nothing else was left on his face, wiped it with his hand… which was completely covered in dough. At the sight of his expression when he realized what he had done, you couldn't help but burst out laughing, your head resting against his apron from the weight of it. Meanwhile, he desperately tried to wipe away the remnants using the clean skin of his forearms, muttering a few curses under his breath, which only made you laugh harder.

"I see you're having a great time," Penelope returned to the kitchen.

On top of her head were two cute buns once again, resembling little snails.

"The best," you corrected, undeterred, trying once more to wipe his face. This time, not as gently as before, until he flinched back under the pressure of your hand, scrunching his nose tightly.

You glanced at the clock, and your playful mood started to wane. There was still so much to do, and you rallied everyone into action. Penelope rolled up her sleeves to prepare the charcuterie boards (it turned out the olives were at the bottom of the bag), you got to work on the mini sandwiches, and Reid was busy cutting out star shapes from the rolled-out dough using a champagne bottle as a makeshift rolling pin.

“Oh, by the way, Pen,” you began, opening the heated oven to put in the first batch of cookies, “we’re still going to kiss at midnight, right?”

“That’s right, sweetheart. Nothing’s changed,” your friend replied, focused on arranging various types of cheese into the best possible combination.

Reid, meanwhile, was taking off his apron, folding it into a perfectly neat square, a frown of concentration on his face.

“Why kiss specifically at midnight?” he asked.

“You haven’t heard about that tradition?” you asked, surprised. “A kiss at midnight brings good luck in love and relationships for the whole next year. Skipping it means the opposite.”

“I didn’t know you were superstitious.”

“It’s just a gesture. Or maybe, better put, a symbol. But anyway, last year I was having a bit too much fun and passed out before midnight. And, well, I don’t think I need to tell you it wasn’t the best year for relationships. Or rather, the lack of them.”

“Doesn’t that mean you should kiss two people this year? One for the previous year and one for the current one?” Garcia suggested thoughtfully.

You mulled it over as well.

“Actually, that makes sense. But who?”

“I’m sure you’ll find someone,” your friend assured you. “There’s bound to be some handsome volunteer. And if not, Reid could always be your backup option.”

You glanced at him briefly, biting your lip as you considered the suggestion. Funny enough, you hadn’t thought of him at all. Not because you found the idea of kissing him unpleasant or something you wouldn’t want to do. It was just… this tradition felt more like grabbing a random person, the first friend within reach. Something done without much thought—a gesture that, in this context, meant absolutely nothing serious.

Wait, but with Reid, would it mean something serious? Why the hesitation all of a sudden? You shook your head, dismissing the train of thought.

You looked at him again; he seemed to be making a deliberate effort to keep his gaze fixed on Penelope, not on you. Though as soon as he sensed you looking at him, he turned his eyes to meet yours, his expression unreadable.

“What do you think?” you asked before you could stop yourself. To ease the sudden, inexplicable tension, you added with a playful smile, “My entire romantic year would rest in your hands—or rather, on your lips. Would you be ready to take on such a sacrifice?”

“Think carefully, darling,” Penelope chimed in, pointing a finger at him. “Otherwise, we’ll all have to spend the next twelve months listening to her complain about how awful men are and how unlucky she is in love…”

“I’m starting to feel an unjustified amount of pressure,” Reid remarked cautiously. You kept staring at him, arms crossed over your chest as you stood near the oven, its orange glow casting a warm light across the kitchen.

“No pressure. And just so we’re clear, it’s not like I’m taking advantage of you. You’d benefit from this too. Unless, of course, you decide to kiss someone else—then, fine…”

“Considering I probably won’t know anyone else at this party? Slim chances…”

A snort escaped you before you could stop it. Both of them turned to you with curiosity.

“What I mean…” you began hesitantly, gesturing toward him. He was objectively handsome—maybe not every woman’s type, but then again, no man was. In your opinion, though, he absolutely was. There was something about his polished, intellectual demeanor that occasionally clashed with his sharp wit, creating a strangely magnetic allure. You gestured at him again, as if emphasizing your point. “Just try not rolling down the sleeves of that shirt until midnight, and you’ll see your chances aren’t that slim.”

He shook his head, utterly bewildered.

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Oh, Pen, explain it to him,” you sighed in mock defeat.

“She means your forearms are sexy,” Penelope clarified without missing a beat.

Reid looked down at his hands as though they belonged to someone else entirely. You exchanged an amused glance with Garcia, and the whole midnight kiss topic… well, it drifted away. You weren’t entirely sure if he had agreed or not.

You wanted to casually bring it up again, but soon Penelope left the kitchen, leaving the two of you alone with a tray of freshly baked cookies ready to be decorated. Somehow, to your own surprise, you couldn’t summon the courage to ask.

"I bought edible glitter specifically for these cookies," you said, pulling a small box from the cupboard. "Apparently, it’s flavorless, but it’ll make the star-shaped cookies look magical. Maybe we should mix it with the icing?"

Reid stared intently at the label on the bottle, silent.

"What? What’s wrong?" you asked, suddenly worried.

"That’s not edible glitter," he announced. For a split second, you thought you saw the corner of his mouth twitch. But when he noticed your completely bewildered—and now slightly furious—expression, his face quickly returned to its usual stillness. "It’s just regular glitter."

"You’ve got to be kidding me, Reid."

"Since when does edible glitter contain polyethylene terephthalate and aluminum?"

You snatched the package out of his hands, and when his words were confirmed, you slapped your forehead.

"Did I just almost kill all my guests?"

"Maybe not kill them right away," he said, his tone comforting as he took the package back from your hands before you could hit yourself with it again. "Complications from eating include gastrointestinal irritation like vomiting, nausea, and possibly damage to the mucous membranes of the mouth..."

"You're not helping."

"Sorry."

For a moment, you both stood in silence, your gaze still fixed on the tray of cooling cookies.

"But this isn't the end of the world," Reid said gently after a moment. "They still have their... interesting shape. We can decorate them with regular icing. Draw something on them. They may not sparkle, but they'll be just as delicious. And that's probably the most important thing, right?"

You knew he was right, but still, there was a certain sadness in the way you nodded. It took you a while to realize how much you’d been obsessing over such a small thing. You let out a chuckle, and he did the same.

"And I even came up with an idea for what to do with the glitter," you announced after a moment, taking the open box in your hands. A bit of the shimmering particles landed on your outstretched palm, and Reid squinted when you blew on it, sending the glitter his way. "I’ll make you shine. You’ll match the rest of the decorations..."

When Penelope returned to the kitchen, she found herself in the middle of a full-blown war, not even a battle anymore. Reid had both of your hands raised and held still, preventing you from reaching for another handful of glitter. You tried to wriggle out of this trap, kneeing him or doing something, but it wasn't really working. So there you were, looking like you were caught in some kind of bizarre dance neither of you knew the steps to, but your half-smiling faces suggested you weren’t too bothered by it.

You knew you wouldn’t be able to get that glitter out of your hair until the next New Year’s Eve.

*

You had a rule to be careful with alcohol when the party was at your house.

 You preferred to make sure everything was running smoothly. Nothing slipped out of control — no one played baseball with your TV (although you hoped the adult crowd had outgrown that kind of entertainment), no one felt unwell or needed help. Moving between people, conversations, and laughter, asking if anyone needed anything or was having a good time, reminding everyone not to smoke inside. You didn’t notice when it all started to drain you. So much so that you decided to sneak away for a moment in the upstairs bathroom.

You just needed a little time alone, splashing cold water on your neck, playing a game on your phone for five minutes while sitting on the closed toilet seat. That’s all you needed.

Your bathroom had a window, usually left open. The room was on the second floor, so there was no chance anyone could be watching. You never worried about it. The window overlooked the yard of one of your neighbors, whom you didn’t even know. As you returned, you stood with your hands on the cool sink, your eyes half-closed from exhaustion but feeling a sense of relief.

Midnight was in fifteen minutes. The year was ending in fifteen minutes.

A lot has happened over the past twelve months. The most important, of course, was joining the BAU. A huge achievement for someone so young, always commented on with a surprised raise of the eyebrows, so much so that it still hadn’t fully sunk in for you. A fair amount, but still not enough, of cases solved, unsub caught, lives saved.

Apart from the professional achievements, there was also something you couldn’t add to your CV or your dating profile. Memories. The big ones, and the ones often overlooked. The countless smiles exchanged over office desks, the amused nudges of elbows, the hours spent in simple laughter. The nights, the ones spent dancing in clubs or at house parties, the ones in your friends' homes with bottles of wine passed from hand to hand and gossip flowing from your lips, one after the other, in a constant stream of surprised exclamations and sighs. There were also those spent in sad motels during business trips. Many of them, but it was the shabby ones that stuck with you the most. Narrow beds shared with Reid, because of his fear of the dark, which worsened in such places. Sometimes silly conversations and arguments, but also the more serious ones. Comforting. And, of course, you had to include the people around you, those you met this year, and those who have been with you for a long time. All the moments when you were happy, and all the ones when you cried. The books and movies. Those that disappointed you so much that you cursed them for days. Those that made you laugh until you choked, but also the ones that nailed you to the theater seat, your gaze vacant and your mind drifting somewhere on the waves of an existential crisis.

You thought about it all with a small smile on your lips

Unfortunately, when you focused on reflecting on the passing year, another memory hit you—one of those decidedly unpleasant ones. The one where, under the guise of normality, you found yourself in the middle of a robbery, becoming a hostage. And as you watched one body after another drop motionless to the floor, blood pooling around them.

The sink you were leaning against grew warm. Your hands were hot, sweating. You shook your head, trying to push away the uncomfortable memory. Why dwell on it? It was over, long over...

Out of the corner of your eye, you caught a flash in your neighbor's yard. A bright spot rising into the air, even though it wasn't even midnight yet. What kind of idiot sets off fireworks before the New Year? What was the point of that?

You straightened up, an irrational sense of danger taking hold of you. As if that fired projectile was about to crash through your window, causing an explosion in the room. Absurd, you knew that. But then the sound hit. A blast, almost like a gunshot. A gunshot coming from an unknown direction, fading lights around you, and screams. You took a breath as another shot rang out. Fireworks lit up the night sky, a green glow spilling into your bathroom, painting your face. You stayed frozen, breath held, with your chest tight.

You knew you should move, shake off the state that the experience had put you in, but… you couldn’t. Although physically unharmed, in your own home, fear took control, robbing you of your agency. Your heartbeat quickened to an unnatural pace, a sickly rhythm. It paralyzed your limbs, one by one, while images kept flashing before your eyes, intensifying with each approaching shot.

Since your actions and most of your awareness remained beyond your control, you soon realized that you were sitting on the floor. And, worst of all, a silhouette cast its shadow over you. You flinched, expecting to see a pair of leather boots and a gun pointed at you.

“It’s just me,” came a quiet, familiar voice, somehow cutting through the wall that separated you from the world. “Me, Spencer. Sorry I came in, but you didn’t respond when I knocked... okay, that doesn’t really matter right now.”

He sighed and crouched down right in front of you, his forehead furrowed in concern. Hesitantly, he reached for your shoulder, lightly touching it, but you flinched the moment his hand moved.

“No touching, it’s okay. I understand, I get it. I understand... what you’re going through.” He spoke quietly and calmly, but you could see a hint of panic crossing his face as he carefully observed yours, choosing his words. He swallowed hard. “You’re really scared, your hands are shaking, you can’t... you can’t breathe. It’s a panic attack, you know what that means. And... it’s temporary. The important thing is to just breathe. I know it’s hard... but just try…”

The surrounding air seemed thick, like some dense gas filling your nostrils and painfully entering your lungs. You shook your head in refusal, not wanting to do it again.

"Slowly, they don’t have to be deep breaths. Just try to make them steady, okay? Please," he continued, settling down closer to you on the floor. He was also breathing the way he described, trying to demonstrate for you. Focusing on the rise and fall of his chest, you made another attempt. It went... better.

"Exactly like that. We're at a party now, remember? At your house. We baked cakes specially for the occasion. It's New Year's Eve and people are shooting fireworks... those are fireworks, just regular fireworks..."

The green glow crept in again through the window, covering and retreating from your two huddled forms on the floor like a tide. You focused on what he was saying, alternately keeping your eyes tightly shut and wide open. You preferred them closed—it was easier to listen to him that way. But when you closed them, it felt like he was so far away. You reached out with trembling hands, trying to touch him, to make sure he was really there in front of you. And before you realized it, you fell into his embrace, your hands clutching his back in panic with every new shot outside.

You could close your eyes; his presence and scent were with you. You could close your eyes, pretend it wasn’t happening, that you weren’t there.

But it didn’t stop. Reid whispered that it was midnight, and the next round of fireworks shot into the sky, sending those trembling sounds that rattled you. A part of your mind knew why this was happening, so why did your body still react this way?

You buried yourself deeper into his arms, feeling some weight on the top of your head—he must have rested his chin there. You kept trying to breathe, and by accident, you inhaled the scent of his neck, which, surprisingly, helped. One breath after another. In and out. His skin. Another shot outside. In and out.

It must have been many minutes before it finally stopped. You both ended up leaning against the wall, side by side. Your knees were pulled to your chest, his legs stretched out. From downstairs, through the floor, came the muffled sound of music, and that’s what you focused on. On that, and on counting the tiles on the neighboring wall, on the hands of Reid’s watch moving forward. On the details, helping you ground yourself.

"How do you feel now?" he broke the silence that had lasted for several minutes with a quiet question.

You pressed the back of your head to the wall behind you, closing your eyes for a moment.

"Better," you said after a moment. The sound from your throat was raspy, and you swallowed, pausing for a second. "Isn't it... isn't it a strange twist of fate that we're always there for each other when something bad happens to the other person?"

You kept your gaze fixed ahead, and from the corner of your eye, you saw him looking at you. Slowly, he shrugged.

"Isn't that what friendship is about?" he asked.

Then, you shrugged.

"Friendship," you repeated, turning the word around on your tongue. You shook your head slightly. "I guess so. I mean, I guess that's what it's about." For a moment, you paused, lightly licking your lips. Your mind was still clouded, and you struggled to form coherent sentences. "I completely forgot what I was talking about a moment ago. What was it about again?"

Reid smiled gently at the look on your face, the expression confused but calm. And then... his hand slowly dropped to the top of your head, gently stroking it and sliding down along your cheek, where it stopped.

"Friendship," he repeated slowly.

Suddenly, as if realizing something, he turned his head slightly, as if to pull his hand away, but you stopped him. You grabbed it, and even though it had moved away from your face, your cheek, you enclosed it in a gentle grasp with both of your hands, the way a shell embraces a pearl.

You noticed the time on his watch.

"It’s already past midnight," you remarked. "Do you think everyone’s too drunk to look for us, or do they just honestly not care what we've been doing in the bathroom for the past hour?"

He chuckled at your words, amused by your suggestive tone.

"Don’t want to go back?" he asked, making sure.

You immediately shook your head.

"Not yet. I like it here. And I guess I’m not ready," you said, the last part tinged with a slight embarrassment. He nodded understandingly, signaling that it was okay. You didn’t have to leave yet.

You sighed, probably for the hundredth time.

"Honestly, I’ve completely lost my party mood. We could’ve played those board games instead. When I think about the bottles I’ll have to clean up tomorrow, I just feel like I might puke."

"We'll be here. Me. And Garcia," he reminded you. "You thought we were just going to disappear together, expecting you to clean up all this mess by yourself?"

"It's not really your responsibility," you replied with a slight shrug. However, a small, grateful smile tugged at your lips. "It would have been enough if you helped me set it all up. Even if it meant the entire kitchen glittering with sparkles before the party even started."

"New Year’s Eve decorations."

"Right," you scoffed. "That I’ll never get rid of. It will always look like a place where My Little Pony ponies had an alcoholic binge."

As you continued to stare at his hand, lying limp on your lap, and at his watch, you realized something else. A thought that made you tilt your head back with a sigh.

"I missed midnight again," you groaned suddenly. "Third year in a row. Where am I supposed to find three people to kiss next year, when I couldn't even find two this time?"

"You did manage," Reid pointed out, frowning slightly. "Penelope. And if you're counting your backup option, that would be me too."

"Would you?" you asked, surprised.

Pleasantly surprised. This subject had slipped by so quickly that you were sure his final answer would have been a no. You glanced fleetingly at his lips. They were slightly parted, probably in the same way they would have been if everything had gone according to plan. If you had found yourselves facing each other under the full, colorful-blinking night sky.

He nodded slightly in response, his upper and lower lips meeting. You tore your gaze away from them and refocused on the rest of his face.

"Sure," he replied aloud. He was close, the words escaping him with a slight breath of his air. "I mean... I'd also like to have a good year. So far, it’s started well. Anyway... yeah. I don't mind if you extend my backup option subscription for next year too."

The way he phrased it amused you. you lowered your gaze for a moment with a smile. Then you nodded, turning your head back toward him.

"So I guess I have my lineup for next New Year's," you said, letting go of his hand to start counting on your fingers. Both of you only realized then that you had been holding it at all. "First, of course, my husband..."

"Husband?" he interrupted, raising an eyebrow.

"I’m being very ambitious this year, Reid," you assured him, with mock seriousness. "Then Garcia, if she agrees again. But she probably will. Unless Derek gets in the way. Oh well, I’ll just send him to the tropics again. And then, number three, you."

"Your husband won’t mind if you kiss me?"

Something changed in his expression, and it was becoming harder for you to maintain eye contact. Your gaze kept dropping, as if it were searching for something against your will. Plus, the whole bathroom suddenly felt incredibly small, your movements slow, like in slow motion. You forced yourself to wave it off dismissively.

"He’ll understand," you said, forcing yourself to take a breath. You had forgotten again, but this time, it wasn’t panic. It was more about his face, so close to yours, the side of your head against the wall, your bodies nearly touching. "Well, he won’t have a choice. If he wants our marriage to last happily and forever, he’ll have to let me make up for all those lost years, those three missed kisses. Sorry... if I’m talking nonsense right now, just tell me, I don’t know what’s happening with me..."

When he kissed you, for a moment, you couldn’t find yourself. Even though everything had been leading to this, with your faces so close for the last twenty minutes, gazes repeatedly falling on each other's lips, it still surprised you. You sucked in a breath through your nose as his lips pressed into yours.

Only when his hand, the same one you had been playing with for so long, the one that had earlier caressed your cheek, fell back into the same place, carelessly resting and brushing the tips of his fingers against a small part of your ear, did you truly feel it. You squeezed your eyelids shut, placing your hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer. It wasn’t the kind of kiss you usually associated with New Year’s Eve, one you’d forget the next day or mention with a fleeting smile. Every thought of it was meant to bring overwhelming loneliness to your lips, to make you imagine it still lasting. It alternated between tasting you slowly and carefully and consuming you with the anticipation held captive between you.

You sighed softly against his lips, and he mirrored it when you briefly pulled away. Your breaths mingled, your faces still close, foreheads gently touching.

“I almost forgot,” you whispered, barely lifting your eyelids. “Happy New Year.”

He smiled, his lips brushing yours once more for a fleeting moment.

“May your wishes come true...or something like that.”

“Or something like that.” you whispered, completely distracted, before pulling him back to you again.

taglist: @she-wont-miss @mggslover @nyeddleblog @dylanobrienswife0420 @wmoony

@heddgie @khxna @marauder-exe-old @yujyujj @charleyreid @kitty-kai @sp3ncelle @pleasantwitchgarden @beesin03 @misserabella @re1dsb1xch @trulymadlydarling

[corrodedcoffins-blog]

History Repeats Itself

masterlist

note: first jess one-shot!!! (and i'm actually proud of it???) also i say their baby is one but i don't know babies to well so if she's too advanced for a one year old, just cut me some slack

warnings: teen pregnancy, food/eating

word count: 4.7 k

♡ summary: Being a teen mom is hard but without any help it's even harder, after saving up enough she can finally move to Stars Hollow to be closer to her baby's father

♡ Jess Mariano x reader

request ✓

The bus ride down was long, and it only got worse as 1-year-old Caroline woke up from her nap and decided to let everyone know of the inconvenience. Finally after the long months of working and saving up she had enough to move to Stars Hollow, unlike Jess who had a parent to send them and an uncle to stay with, she saved up and made it happen. She wanted Caroline to be around her father, and she wanted to be close to Jess.

And Y/n’s always loved the idea of a small town, a place where you felt safe, a place she would feel safe raising her child in, a place that wasn’t $2,500 a month for a closet. Here she could give her daughter a lot more, here she would have a support system in Jess and Luke. Unlike what her parents would give her.

By this point in the bus route it was only the mother and daughter and a couple strays, she saw the messy haired boy sitting on a park bench close to the bus stop, of course he had his nose in a book. She started packing up Caroline’s stuff, tucking her blanket and toys in the basket of the stroller.

When she got to the bus doors, Jess quickly made his way to help her lift the stroller down the steps, when the stroller was once again on the ground Jess squats down getting face to face with his little girl, “Hey, Care!” “Daddy!” He lifted her up by her armpits. When the little girl was out of her seat and in her dad’s arms, her mom stacked their bags on the seat.

“Hi! You’re so big! Really she is. She’s growing up so fast.” “Well she can walk way more stable now. No more scaring, mommy that you’ll fall if I look away for a second.” She says the last sentence in baby voice while she tickles the girl’s belly to make her giggle and their foreheads to rest on each other’s.  

“So you gonna show us around?!” “‘Around’?” They continued their walk around the gazebo area, walking towards Luke’s. 

“This is it, that's the record shop, that’s the bookstore, that's Luke’s, and that’s all you need to know.” “Well where’s the bank, I might need to rob it later.” “You’ll find a job. And if you don’t then work at Luke’s, he could do with the time off then maybe he’d get off everyone’s backs.” “He’s probably stressed with you always causing trouble.” “Me? Trouble? Nooo, I’m a peach.”

-

Jess had the baby today since Y/n was off to find a job, her first stop was the most promising. Luke let her know that a friend of his needed extra staff at their Inn for an event that was coming up, someone who could be an assistant of sorts. So after wearing her most capable looking top, and best fitting jeans. She kissed Caroline’s check and yelled goodbye to Luke and Jess as she began her walk.

When she walked inside she saw a man at the front desk on the phone. Waiting to ask for directions, she hung around the man’s desk, busying herself with some pamphlet. She couldn't help but listen to the man’s angry English in his french accent.

Suddenly he hung up the phone and got back to writing whatever he was writing, without looking up and with an annoyed tone said, “Yes?” “I was looking for Lorelei, I’m here for-” “The assistant job, yes.. Follow me.” He walked quickly to wherever it was they were going, mumbling along the way, “Of course, an assistant. Just what we need around here. Not like I don’t already do most of the work around here.”

He opened the door for them, it ended up being the kitchen they were now in. A tall woman holding a to-go coffee cup that said ‘Luke’s’ on it and a shorter woman in an apron fighting with a scruffy man about vegetables, which look to be parsnips. 

“The mini-you is here.” “One little comment, Micheal. I’m not saying you’re incapable. I just want more help with organising events so I focus on planning!” “Whatever.” Turning on his heels, Micheal walked out the doors making his way back to his desk. 

“So you’ve met Micheal! Sorry, we usually don’t let him around the new people but we're a little short-staffed. Let’s head to the dining room.”

They sat down at a table in the dining room, Lorelei asked all the important questions, and Y/n was perfect, now she was just asking the things she’ll tell Sookie later when the woman asks about the new hire.

Taking a sip of her sixth coffee this morning Lorelei asked, “So, are you new to town? I haven’t seen you around before.” The girl was stirring milk into her second coffee as she responded, “Yeah, I am. I just moved here with my um- my daughter, closer to her dad so…” 

Since it was of course the time most adults got horrified, thought she was a bad kid, and though she didn’t get that vibe from Lorelei, it was at least bound to shock her. “You’re daughter? How old are you? Wait- I know, it’s on your resume. I mean- I’m, deja vu y’know? Abba did say ‘the history books on the shelf are always repeating themselves’.” 

She must have seen the confused look on the young girl and explained, “I had my daughter when I was sixteen.. And came here to get a job, so just getting major deja vu. Well then, since I know what you’re going through, I won’t put you through the short mental torture of waiting for a call I was gonna do and just tell you you got the job.” “Oh, thank you! I really need this, I can’t thank you enough.” “Just change her name to Lorelei and we’ll call it even.” “deal.” Those two would get along great, much to Luke’s misfortune.

-

Y/n sat at the counter with Caroline in front of her sitting on the counter while she played with her mother’s hair. Jess was filling up cups of coffee and serving customers while he listened to Y/n’s words.

“So until you go back to school, you’ll have Caroline during the day here and when I’m done work I’ll take her.” “No, you’ll never have a break. After work you go to your house, relax then grab her after dinner.” 

Jess may have this ‘I only care about myself’ attitude but that never included Caroline and Y/n, he’d kill for either of them at any given moment. He always put them first. If thought Y/n needed a break, she was getting a break whether she wanted it or not. 

Just as the girl was going to thank him she was interrupted by another girl around their age coming to sit down at the counter, two over from her. 

“I have the book you lent me.” She said, unknowingly interrupting the conversation since Jess was facing the coffee machine to make a new batch when she sat down. “Oh, thanks.” He muttered, notably not turning to face her.

On the inside Jess felt guilty. Why did he feel guilty? He didn’t do anything, he and Y/n weren’t together, nevermind the fact that all he did was lend Rory a book. As friends. Because they’re friends. But nonetheless it almost felt like cheating. Jess and Y/n may not be together officially but that didn’t mean that they both didn’t love each other. And not just because they were the parents to a beautiful little girl. Jess had always wanted more, he’d let the girl know that more than a handful of times, and she let him know it wasn’t unrequited, yet something always came between them.

You’d think having a baby together would bring them closer, and in some ways it did; they trusted each other more. But they also fought more and being the dumb teenagers they were, they didn’t have the emotional ability to move past that and build the relationship they both wanted. And then when they felt they were ready to, Jess was sent to live with his uncle. Just another fork in the road. But now they were living in the same town and had a good system, and people to support them. It was the perfect time, everything was going right, they could feel all the feelings that never really left resurfacing.

“Okay, I have to get to work. You’ve got her?” “Yeah.” “Bye, baby, I love you. I’ll see you in a little bit, but you get to spend all day with daddy.” “Bye-bye, mommy!” 

She said bye to Jess after she walked around the counter and handed him Caroline, muttering a small ‘go see, daddy’ that Rory most definitely heard.

When the door finally chimed shut Rory shot up to follow Jess to the table he was now setting Caroline up at. She watched his gentle movements as he readjusts her shirt and places crayons and paper in front of her, which she got right into scriballing away. 

“She’s yours?” “Yeah.” “.. So that girl is your girlfri-" "I’ve got work to do.” 

-

The warm atmosphere of the dinner is a stark contrast to the cold winter air. Noticing Jess and Caroline are nowhere to be seen she assumes they were upstairs and makes her way up the stairs. Half-way up the flight of stairs she could hear her little girl’s loud giggles. She quietly opens the door to see Jess holding Caroline above his head, as if she was flying.

When she first got pregnant everyone told her Jess wouldn’t be a good dad, that she can’t rely on him for anything. God were they wrong. She doesn’t think it’s possible for her baby to have a better person as a dad. She sadly doesn’t get to watch the scene for much longer as she’s spotted by little Caroline.

“Mommy! I see daddy ‘morrow?” “Yes, you get to be with daddy all day tomorrow too.” “Yay!”

As the conversation between them goes on, Jess lets his little girl plant her feet back on the ground and starts collecting some things she’ll need during the night before she comes back here tomorrow, he then starts getting Caroline’s shoes on her feet. While Y/n sits on the couch next to their little girl.

“So who was that girl this morning?” “Who?” 

Jess always did this, it was a tell tale sign that he didn’t want to talk about it, but that’s never stopped Y/n before. “You know who.” Of course having to be difficult, Jess gives her a fake confused look, as if he’s never met another girl in his life. 

“The one returning your book.” “Oh, that girl.” “Yeah, that girl.” “She’s nobody.” “So you just lend books to ‘nobody’s now?” “Care, where’s Mr.Wiggle?” The girl lets out a gasp and reaches out for Jess to help her off the couch, when he does she runs into the closet where she previously hid while playing hide and seek a couple hours earlier. 

“What? Don’t want Care to hear about her new step-mom?” “Don’t call her that.” “What? Care? Only you can call her that?” “No, don’t call Rory Care’s ‘step-mom’.” “Rory! I get her name!” 

Jess was a quiet guy, but not this quiet, especially not with Y/n. He didn’t want to talk about Rory, maybe because it was weird talking about another girl with your baby momma. And yes it was weird for Y/n too, but for a completely different reason, she assumes. She liked Jess, and has since before she even knew about Caroline.

“C’mon, Jess, it’s me. I want you to be happy.” Sure Rory made him happy, but only because she was the only friend he had here, it wasn’t the way Y/n made him happy. Before he could deny for words again Caroline came back running into the room with her stuffie in her hands. Having already said her goodbyes, she opened the door and walked out.

“Caroline, wait hun! I think you should go for it Jess.”

She walked out the door, closing it behind her, leaving Jess to stare at where she disappeared. He decided to take her advice, just maybe not the way she meant it

-

Y/n helped Caroline pack more snow onto their snowman. Caroline wanted to do it after she heard Luke complaining about town events again, he stopped complaining when he saw how excited the girl was. They had Mr.Wiggles off the side learning against the tree, using him as a reference. 

“Mommy, no. Mr.Wiggles has more hair.” 

Caroline was getting very comfortable ordering her mother around, but in this instance Y/n let it slide, poking more sticks on the top of the snowman’s head to mimic Mr.Wiggle’s spiky hair. 

“That’s good!”

Lorelei and Rory were just one snowman down, both told Caroline they thought she would win and encouraged her before she even started. Since they were so close, they could hear the scene that had just played out. 

“Tough age, wait till you get to the terrible twos. ‘No’ is all you’ll hear.” Lorelei said, kindly as her and her own daughter walked past them. Y/n let out a laugh at the comment before she asks, “You guys done already?” “No, but after Michelangelo over there busted out the power buffer, and when Caroline busts out her cuteness, what chance do we have?” “I see your point.” “So off to Luke’s we go.” “We’ll see you there in a bit.”

-

Y/n was standing talking to one of the decorators when she saw Lorelei and Sookie step out of the kitchen, quickly finishing her directions she wrote down a note on her clipboard then made her way to meet them at the entrance of the dining room.

When Sookie sees her, she asks, “What’re we looking at today?” Sookie was really fun to work with, like Lorelei she was very chill as a boss, but Sookie was also so kind and always took it upon herself to make sure Y/n has eaten and that her and Caroline are taken care of. She could tell the woman was going to make an amazing mother.

“This is last on the list.” She replied, after she took a quick glance at her clipboard, then continued, “We’ve got trumpets, the madrigal singers-” “Sorry to interrupt, but I’m not playing squire of Bracebridge.” 

Sookie and Lorelei must have finally told Jackson to play the squire, they told her earlier in the week that they were playing to ask at the last moments so he had to. It was a flawless plan, especially when Jackson can’t say no to Sookie.

She saw that Lorelei and Sookie were just ignoring him, so she played along and continued down her list, “All the servers are lined up. This is just for the recorder players and harpists.” She stopped at the recorder players and let Lorelei talk to them, “Hi. Lay some on us, guys.” 

The two recorder players played the soft tube they were going to come accustomed to in the next few days. The three of them shared positive looks and when their playing came to an end, Sookie said, “Hey, you cats really know how to blow those things.” Lorelei continued Sookie’s comment by saying, “You’ve got the gig. Y/n here will call you later with the details. Thanks.” 

Recorder players started packing their things, Jackson started again on the fact that he wouldn’t play the squire, and the three women continued to ignore him.

“When do the quests arrive?” “Thursday at four on their own jet.” “After buying out the whole inn.”

“Must be nice to have money.” Y/n added, checking off and writing down more notes on her clipboard.

“You know what struck me today?” “-Was it the fact that I am not the squire?-""We’re crazy for doing this.” “We’re beyond crazy.” It did feel crazy, Lorelei told her they’d never done a function this big before and that’s the reason they hired more help. Like her, but also that they were planning to do a lot more big things like this, more weddings, and such. 

“We’re ‘Anne Heche speaking her secret language to god and looking for the spaceship in Fresno’ kinda crazy.” “Oquinis no-goodo noto.” Sookie said, causing Y/n add, “Il ecnatra dos guidan.”

Their nonsense was once again interrupted by Jackson, “And spring this on me at the last minute too. I mean, that’s just manipulative.” Suddenly a cook pops his head out of the kitchen, saying calmly, “Sookie- fire!”

Sookie rolled her eyes softly, this happened far too often, before saying, “I gotta get back in the kitchen. You guys handle the harps?” Both women nodded and replied in unison, “You got it.” 

“Alright. I’ll do it. I’ll play squire Bracebridge if that’s what you want.” Everyone knew he would cave eventually. Sookie patted his arm and said a quick, “Thanks, sweetie.” before walking back into the kitchen to hopefully deal with the fire. “As long as it’s not just because I fit the costume.” Jackson looked back at Lorelei and Y/n, Lorelei had a grin on her face while Y/n wore a tight-lipped smile. “It’s because I fit the costume, isn’t it?” He followed after Sookie.

Lorelei put her arm around Y/n and led them to the harpist, “Go ahead.” The harpist played the same tune as the two recorder players. But just as the woman started, Lorelei got a call. She patted Y/n’s arm, “I have to take this, you handle the harpist.”

The girl tried to stay calm, nodding her head and going back to listening to the music. Lorelei trusted her, yes it wasn’t a big job by any means, but still it was a step into a bigger role down the line.

-

The next day, Sookie and Y/n had all the waiters/performers in the dining room going over what their job was. And teaching them the old English words to use for things.

Sookie was just telling Rune that he couldn’t just talk like an old man whe Lorelei came in with a disappointed look on her face, and let them know the dinner was off.

The three women, as well as Rory and Caroline were now sitting at a table at Luke’s, Caroline was happily eating her pancakes, plain just as she liked and completely unaware of the collective disappointment of the group.

Lorelei has really welcomed Y/n into her life. She may not be Jess’s biggest fan, but she would always help another teen mom out. Especially since she sees so much of herself in Y/n. She’s grown to really love the girl in the short time they’ve known each other. And aftering hearing Y/n didn’t have her family in her life she was more than happy to help and maybe become that family for her one day. Just like Mia did for her.

“I’ve got 30 pounds of aged beef, trays and trays of trout, mountains of prune tarts. I diced pumpkins until my hands turned orange. I’ve got pumpkin hands!” Sookie showed the table her hands, it apparently caught Caroline’s attention since she grabbed Sookie’s right hand and held it in her left while she continued eating. Sookie lets her hand rest in the little girl’s while she freaks out more and asks Lorelei, “How can you stay so calm?” “There’s nothing we can do about it.” 

Rory was just as upset, mostly because she knew how hard her mother worked on the planning, “I can’t believe they got snowed in.” Y/n hasn’t told Jess, but she’s become pretty close to Rory, the girl sometimes comes to the Inn and helps around and Rory’s become kinda her only friend, that was until Rory invited her to the record store with Lane. After that day she had two friends. 

After knowing Rory more, she realised how much she and Jess have in common, and even though Rory has a boyfriend she can tell there’s an attraction to Jess she’s trying so hard to hide. 

Y/n zoned out for a moment, looking outside, she was upset that the first event she helped organise wouldn’t even happen. She was broken from her stare out the window from Caroline jumping in place while sitting on her mom’s lap, the cause of which was Luke coming to the table. 

“You girls want anything besides coffee?” He asked, adding on with a pat on the girl’s head, “Or pancakes?” “Hey, what about Luke?” “What about him?” “He eats, and Jess eats. Doesn’t Jess eat?” Sookie directs the question at Y/n, before the girl could say anything Luke cuts her off, “What’s she doing?” “I think she’s inviting you for dinner.”

Getting distracted while trying to convince Luke to come to dinner, the four decide to still put on the dinner for the town. Like an out of control slumber-party.

-

The dinner was going great, the secret amazing part of inviting the town was that Y/n and Caroline could actually meet everyone. Miss. Patty and Babette loved Y/n and Caroline (mostly Caroline), Caroline loved Kirk, and everyone loved that Caroline could do whatever she wanted and Talor wouldn’t say anything. And Y/n got to meet Paris after all the stories she’s heard.

Caroline and Y/n were in line for the horse drawn carriage rides, when Caroline saw her favourite person, Lane. “Laney! I ride with you!” Lane, before agreeing, made eye contact with Y/n to make sure it was okay. Y/n gave them the go ahead and helped Caroline get settled. After their carriage left she made her way to the next one. Telling the driver it’s just her.

It was nice to get a break from everything. It was quiet and peaceful. Well that was until Jess ran up and hopped on the carriage next to her. Without a word he put the blanket that was over the girl’s legs on his too. 

“I thought you and Care were going together.” “She’s one ahead, with Lane.” “Ahhh. Well it’s two to a sleigh no more, no less. So you were breaking the rules, you're welcome for saving you.” “You could have hurt yourself.” “Aw, you care about me.” “You are my baby's father.” 

She wished she just agreed with him. She didn’t just care for him because he was Caroline’s dad, and she doesn’t think she says it enough. But then again, maybe it would mess things up if she admitted that. But that decision was made for her.

“I’m touched.” “Jess. I don’t mean it like that. I care about you, Caroline or not.” 

Trying to change the topic to something she thought was more lighthearted, she says, “So, how are things with Rory?” “There are no things with Rory.” “C’mon, Jess, we can talk about this stuff-” “Why are you so insistent that I date Rory?” 

She wasn’t expecting that outburst. Not from Jess. He rarely ever yelled at her, and when he did it was always misplaced anger, never actually angry at her. This time it was her, it was what she said.

“I just want you to be happy-” “C’mon, Y/n. Be serious.” “I am. I want-” “If you want me to be happy so bad, why won’t you give me a chance?!” 

He turned his face to her, looking right into her eyes, she could see the hurt in his. Did she put it there?

“What’re you-” “Since we found out about Caroline, I’ve tried and tried to help you realise that I love you. And not how you mean ‘I love you’. I don’t love and care for you because we have a family and I have to. I love you, because I want to. I want to be with you. And I know it will be hard, but I’ll do the work.” 

If she had more social awareness at the pent she would have hated that the coachman heard all of that. But after what Jess said, the look in his eyes; that was so full of love. She felt like it was just them two in the world. No, that it was just their little family in the whole world. He and Caroline were all she would ever need.

“I love you too, Jess. I have for so long, long before Caroline, but I thought you wouldn’t want to be tied down to me, especially after I had Caroline, that any sign I thought you gave me was all in my head.” “It’s not.” 

He brought her in closer to him, an arm around her shoulders and when her arms wrapped around his waist he left a kiss on the crown of her head. The small kiss brought her eyes up to him, which led to their first real kiss in one year and nine months. 

His lips were softer than she remembered, but they still fit into hers as if they never left.

She broke away from their reuniting kiss to place her head in the crook of his neck, wanting nothing more than to be close to him.

“My mom didn’t want me to come home.” She took her head out of his neck to look at him fully. They were always that person for each other, the one you can tell your problem to and they knew when to help and when listening was enough. Right now, she knew listening was enough.

“I’m sorry, Jess.” “It’s fine. Just sucks.” “I know. Well, Care and I will always want you to come home.” After her words, he brought her closer than before. She was always just what he needed. 

Wanting to change the subject, Jess nodded his head to the snowman Y/n and Caroline built. “It’s good.” “What?” “Your snowman, well Caroline’s snowman I'm sure she’d want me to say.” “You know which one’s ours?” “Definitely shows her personality… It kinda looks like Mr.Wiggles.” “That’s what we were going for. But everyone thinks the one on the end is going to win.” “Really? It’s so overdone.” “I agree.” “You and Care’s should win.” “Agree again.”

-

The dinner was filled with Jess and Luke confused at what exactly was in the food, Jess and Y/n trying their best to keep Caroline sat which about half an hour in they gave up and just let her walk around the lobby, as well as saying hello and talking to everyone at the table. Having an interesting conversation with Mrs.Kim about grace, ‘helping’ Kirk by sitting on his rolling food cart, and even talking with Paris for a while. 

Overall it was a great night. Even better when Jess, Y/n, and Caroline got to their shared room, putting Caroline asleep together for the first time in a while. And falling to sleep in the same bed together, holding each other, listening to each other’s breaths, as well as Caroline’s. Everything was just how they both always secretly wanted. And now get to have openly and freely. 

- 

In the morning Y/n got up early since she was technically working, and she still was when Luke, Jess, and Caroline left to open the diner for the day. It was around noon when Y/n finally left, walking to Luke’s to spend the day with her two favourite people. Which was when she saw Michelangelo’s snowman fallen to a large pile of snow on the ground.

She didn’t even have to think for a second to know that Jess did it. Sometimes he did the weirdest things to show his love.

The bell rang as she pushed open the door, she sat down next to Caroline, saying ‘good morning’ and getting one back before she made her way to the counter.

“I saw what you did.” “What’d I do?” “Caroline will be happy she won.” “Anything if my girl’s win.”

[thebibliosphere]

Hey! I know that this isn't something you struggle with but since a lot of your other followers are disabled as well, it would mean a lot to me if you could publish this ask since I'd like to see if anyone else experiences anything similar to what I'm going through. I'm not asking for anyone to armchair diagnose me, I'd just appreciate not feeling so alone and scared and confused. My general physician is claiming that my anxiety is causing the issues I'll describe but I call bullshit on that:

About two years ago, cca 4 months after my top surgery, my body stopped being able to process oil. Whenever I'd eat anything that was made with oil of any kind, I'd get cramps in the abdomen after a while and I'd get diarrhea. Caffeine started to do this also but in a smaller intensity. I had a hysterectomy a bit after that and they checked my kidneys and liver so I know that those are both ok and not the cause. I also got checked for Celiac since it runs in the family. Because the issue wasn't getting worse and my then general physician was always dismissive, I let it be. When I wasn't having diarrhea, I was constipated, though I did have a bowel movement like once or twice a week. Fast forward to now. In August, it suddenly got a lot worse. At first, even a single drop of oil would make me feel ill. Then, the time period got longer - currently the cramps and the pain last for 48 hours afterwards. I also became unable to digest animal fats, the only meat I can eat is lean chicken and fish. Afterwards, gluten became an issue (Celiac is still negative), and then nuts as well.

My new GP, even though she believes it to be anxiety, gave me Itopride, and it worked for about 3 weeks - I had no cramps, pain, exhaustion, gas or bloating after eating, and I had a bowel movement once a day. But it stopped working two days ago, again without a reason, and the effects started being less effective about a week ago. Even when taking the meds, I have a movement only once in about 8 days, and laxatives make me gassy but nothing happens. I'm also not sure about this, but it seems that chicken is no longer safe either.

I think it's important that if I don't take Itopride, I never even feel the urge to go, so when I say that I've always been constipated, I mean that I don't even feel the need to have a movement. Lately, when I take Itopride, I do get the urge that I do always get when taking it, but it's like I can't go, so I always feel full.

I just feel super scared and I have no idea what's going on. I admit that I have a history of eating disorders (in recovery since May) and I did abuse laxatives about a year ago, but I don't think it was enough to cause such serious issues? I used to take them like once a week and for about 3-4 months.

I'd really appreciate knowing if anyone has ever experienced anything similar or knows about anything like this because I feel like my life is in shambles - can't go outside for long because I might need the toilet suddenly, or I'm in too much pain to walk, I'm afraid to eat, I often feel repulsive, I don't know what might happen in a month, I am becoming incapable of taking care of myself and my flat because I'm just so goddamn tired.

Ooft, I’m sorry. It sounds like you’ll need a colonoscopy to figure this one out, so if you haven’t had one yet, really push for a referral.

Fwiw, I do experience something like this, but it’s from mast cell inflammation in my GI tract. The doc prescribed me bentyl for when things flare up but I’m also on a fiber supplement (citrucel. It’s a lot gentler than other types) to try and keep that from happening. Also if you’re low on b vitamins, your stomach sometimes stops digesting food, so maybe also ask about getting your levels checked. Taking an additional b2 supplement means I can process fats and oils again which I couldn’t before.

I’m not saying this to be like “this is what you have” just throwing them out there as suggestions that might help you piece together what might be wrong.

I hope you get more helpful comments in the notes 💖

[jongbross]

Hiiiiiiii 👋

Can you write a Baekhyun fic? I'm not exactly sure what I want, but... While listening to Demi Lovato's song, something came to mind...

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear high heels

Yes, you make me so nervous that I just can't hold your hand

I don't like school fics so maybe a best friend au.

She and Baekhyun are best friends, and the reader thinks she's far from his ideal type. She's been in love with him for years but she's insecure and either Baekhyun is too blind to see her feelings or the reader is a good actor.

She's a great girl, but she struggles to see her own potential... Baekhyun is everything to her, and she to him. Baekhyun had noticed her jealous behavior for a while and became suspicious. He even caught her crying once. When he put the pieces together, he understood everything. After faced her, the reader tried to run away from him, but Baek was fast enough to catch her immediately.

pairing: byun baekhyun x reader word count: 1256 genre: fluffy but also angst? warnings: swearing, jealousy, reader getting on beakhyun's nerves a/n: i'm back at writing requests!! thank you so much for your patience, i hope you enjoy this <3

"i think she's flirting with you", you told baekhyun, looking at the waitress that just walked by the two of you and shot baekhyun the prettiest smile she could manage.

"she's not", he denied, not even bothering to look back. "she's working on christmas eve, so i bet she's just trying to get a nice tip."

it was a tradition, at this point. you and baekhyun had spent the last four christmas together, as a sign of how strong your bond with each other was - either it was at bucheon with his family, abroad with your family, or just the two of you, like that moment.

for this one, sick and tired of being single (in baekhyun's words), he decided to take you too for dinner on the night before christmas. 'i won't be able to go to bucheon this year, so we should have a date night, and then sulk and eat leftovers while we open our presents at my house the next day', he had said, a month previous.

and of course you accepted. not only was baekhyun your best friend, but also the one you loved; like, actually loved.

there wasn't much you could do about it, to be honest. baekhyun had always seen you as a sibling, and that alone was enough to end any hope you could possibly have. on top of that, came the fact that he was just so... ethereal; baekhyun was the definition of a keeper, and any person who could have him was literally the luckiest person in the entire world.

"you can possibly think that every single person that smiles at you is just being polite, baek", you chuckled. "that's why you're single again..."

"does it bother you that i'm single?"

you tried your best not to choke on your drink as your brain screamed 'no, i actually love it' as an answer.

"i mean, i can call her over and ask her out...", he said, teasingly. "but you would spend christmas alone."

you just rolled your eyes at him, going back to your food and pretending like you weren't holding back a smile.

baekhyun kept the conversation going, as well. he told you about his family, how sad his mom was that she wouldn't see you that christmas; you told him about your plans for the next year, what you wanted to achieve.

cause, you see, talking to baekhyun was so easy, feeling seen was the biggest problem here. he could repeat every single word you had just said for the last hour, but could he see that you were wearing a new dress just for him? could he see that you got your nails done in his favorite color just for him? could he see that you were there, dying for him to love you back?

over your third glass of wine, the waitress came back to your table, the same pretty smile on her face.

"would the couple like to order some dessert?"

"we're not a couple", you instantly said, facing your glass.

taken aback by your answer, the waitress hesitated to turn to baekhyun, only to see him as surprised as her.

"um... no, not for now", he politely said. "can we get some water though, please?"

she hummed in response, before turning around to leave.

"wow, that was quite harsh", baekhyun faked a chuckle. "are you okay?"

"sure."

"are you really sure?"

"yes, baekhyun", you rolled you eyes. "she was just trying to check if you're single so she can keep flirting with you. all i did was give her the answer she was looking for."

baekhyun frowned, leaning into the table to take a good look at you.

"are you drunk already?", he laughed. "i mean, she just wondered if we were a couple, it's not that deep, y/n. we're together on christmas eve, it's-"

"no one would mistake us for a couple."

"what? why not?"

"because!", you exclaimed. at the corner of your eyes, you saw the said waitress coming again with a jar of water. she placed it on the table in front of baekhyun, and then proceeded to smile at him again before walking away. defeated, you sighed. "i am me, and you are you. nobody could ever think about us as a couple, so... i don't know, you can just give in and ask her out if you want to."

baekhyun scoffed at you, watching you as you took another big gulp from your wine. he silently took in your moves, the way you poured yourself some water and avoided his gaze.

"why are you jealous?", he finally asked after a minute or two of silence.

"i'm not jealous", you defended yourself.

"then look at me", baekhyun waited for you to finally look him in the eyes. "now tell me you're not jealous."

it was your turn to scoff, grabbing your glass of water and drinking a bit of it.

"this is stupid."

"yes, it is stupid", baekhyun agreed. "i think it's so stupid that even at christmas eve you won't admit why you're being jealous, that you'll only be petty and try to push me onto other girls. i don't want them."

you looked at him, damning him mentally for the way he was sitting at his chair, for the way his angry eyes made your heart flutter.

"i'm giving you the chance to be true to both of us, y/n. please, take it, and tell me why you are so jealous. i need to hear you say it."

"why?"

"because it's christmas eve, i'm at this beautiful restaurant with the most beautiful girl. you're wearing a new dress, wearing my favorite perfume, and you did your nails yesterday thinking about me, didn't you? don't think i didn't notice", he sighed, leaning into the table once again. "if we can't confess to each other right now, right here... then i truly don't think we ever will."

you kept staring at him, trying your hardest to keep your tears at bay so they wouldn't ruin your makeup. you felt like you were glowing, like your chest was now swallowing you deep into an ocean of something that you couldn't quite describe what it was, but if you had to take a shot, you would call it love.

"how long did you know?", you whispered to him.

"since your birthday", baekhyun replied. "but you're a good actress, i'll give you that."

you chuckled, shaking your head in disbelief.

"i'm sorry...", you told him. "i'm so sorry. i'm pathetic."

"yeah, kind of", baekhyun joked, making you both laugh. "i'm just kidding. you don't have to sorry, if anything i should be the one apologizing. i've known for so long now, but my pride didn't let me say shit. i just kept pushing away every girl that came around, and praying that you would do the same to anyone who got close to you, waiting for you to confess. everyday felt like i was gonna have a heart attack."

you rolled your eyes. "who's pathetic now?"

he laughed out loud, eyes turning into big heart emojis as you looked at him. just as you were ready to speak, the waitress came up again, smiling at baekhyun.

"do you guys need anything?", she asked.

"yeah, um... could you bring me some chocolate ice cream, please? and for my girl...", baekhyun looked at you. the waitress followed his gaze, smiling at you just the same and, maybe, baekhyun was right all along - she wasn't flirting. "anything she wants, please."

[annebelle93]

Oi meus horrores! I’m sorry for the one year absence, life’s been hectic in 2022 Brazil. But I thought I might brake the fast with a little fun headcannon as I go through the requests and write then! Thank you so much for the mutuals that came to my private messages to check on me in the long year, you guys are AMAZING! Without further ado

Things my family said with top “The Brothers energy”: Spouse edition!

• Lucifer

Text with a silly selfie while spouse at work: “guess who’ll be half naked eating pizza in bed now” Reply: “For the love of God, please let join you” “Love of god? I thought you were against God” Reply: “listen very carefully because I’ll only say this once, if it means being with half naked you, I am willing to swallow my pride and ask assistance from a vengeful inhuman entity of my dislike.”

• Mammon

Spouse, who is a computer engineer, playing on on-line cassino for fun, after lecturing me not to do it because it is made to make you lose money. “Didn’t you say this Is made to F you up?” Spouse roll eyes and smile confidently. “Maybe you, I’m build different” Loses ridiculously small amount of money. “Welp” throws phone away “time for onlyfans, I guess” “Oh, so you lose money gambling and now I have to sell feet pics?” Looks at me really confused. “What? No, why’d I be sharing your glory with the world? No, I’m doing onlyfans, you’re taking the pictures”

• Levi

Me distracted going through the phone waiting for the pump to fill the gas. “Amor, have you decided yet the song you’ll use in the wedding?” Spouse begins to fidget, look slightly insecure. “I kind of thought of one, but I’m not sure you’ll approve it” remains silent “Go on” “Before you say no, keep an open mind, please! It is a very important song for me, from my childhood, and if you’re willing to pay attention to the lyrics, you’ll see it’s very pretty too!” Plays ‘Dragon Ball Z’ opening song on radio, apprehensive. (The Brazilian version is indeed very well translated and is, overall, a really nice song). “Make sure to write it down, so I won’t forget when talking to the musician” goes back to the phone. “Is that ok with you? You won’t say no?” “Wouldn’t I be a hypocrite if I did? I want to use ‘Howl’s moving castle’, which is a movie, but technically an anime too” Proceeds to hold both my hands with a teary look. “I’m literally building a shrine for you in my closed when I get home”

• Satan

Spouse laying on the floor playing with my cats, trying to lure the calico one (who is very apprehensive of humans) out. “Here, Fionna! Come play with daddy!” “Excuse me, ‘daddy’? These cats are mine, you’re step dad AT MOST” “Babe, love, light of my life” gets up, holding my hands with a fake smile “the moment you said ‘yes’ to me, you are sharing half of your life with me, that includes the cats” “No, but…” “That includes the cats” looks deep into the eyes, with a determined expression “and make no mistake, I am willing to battle you in court for them. I wouldn’t like to, but I am willing to.” Looks at spouse silently “it would be a bloodbath and you know”

• Asmo

Me in front of mirror trying to close a pair of jeans after returning home from carnaval (for those not familiar with Carnaval, it means that I basically spent a whole week walking all over Rio feeding exclusively of fast food and alcohol from 7am to 9 pm, EXCLUSIVELY). “Amor, do you think I’ve put on weight?” “Hell yeah you did!” “Why do you sound so excited?” Replies without missing a single bit, “more ass for me to grab”

• Beel

“Let me just say how happy I am you decided to work out, amor!” Spouse says at lunch “Me too, I’m sleeping better and it’s definitely helping with the anxiety!” “Sure, that too” “Is it because I’m hotter?” “You’ve always been hot” serving a second plate “it because now you’re hungry all of the time and let me be the first one to tell you, your cooking is exquisite when you’re hungry! Also I’m very happy that you’re eating like a human being and not like a little bird”

• Belphie

4 am, me cleaning the bathroom in the middle of a insomnia crisis. Spouse gets up and looks very confused. “What are you doing?” “I don’t know, I’ve been feeling really hyper lately and sleeping kind of feels like a waste of time when I’m hyper.” “No!” Proceeds to grab my hand and drag me to the bed, with an angry expression “in this house we don’t say such heresies”

For those who haven’t seen it, I have a nephews edition right here! I hope you enjoy it!

[tonispencerart]

How to Survive a Solo Christmas, Spencer-style:

This year will be my 8th consecutive Solo Christmas. And my 2nd official Sober Christmas. Since 2017 I have ‘done’ Christmas by myself and, while I’m still figuring out a few things here and there, I have sort of found my groove, so to speak. For some of you (or perhaps people you know) this may well just be the first time you’re on your own for Christmas.

Those of you who know me in the ‘real world’ will probably know that since I became an official ‘grown-up’, Christmas Day is actually quite boring for me. Christmas Eve - I love it! I have thing I do almost every year (as in, I do it where I can), I virtually have the same routine every December 24th:

* Get up. * Panic because it’s Christmas Eve (there’s a story there. Maybe I’ll tell it one day). * Throw some clothes on. * Race to the shop. * Buy all the golden syrup/sugar/bicarbonate of soda/parchment paper… or all of the Crunchies (Daddy Spencer and I used to call them Fridays… iykyk…), digestive biscuits, and chocolate that I can physically carry/not get in trouble for in the shop. True story: I was once questioned at the till in Morrisons as to why I had so many bars of chocolate. * Get home as fast as I can and make my almost-annual Honeycomb fridge/tiffin/chocolate thing. I make as many batches of honeycomb as I can (I average around 3). * Dinner/supper is almost always cheese and crackers while I watch The Nightmare Before Christmas and then The Muppet Christmas Carol while I chop up and weigh my chocolatey creation and put it into as many small bags as I can fit it into, before popping the whole lot into a big bag to hand out to people at church Christmas morning - until it’s all gone.

And then comes Christmas Day… I really do find it all kind of boring. I don’t really know why, but, like I said, since official adulthood, I’m just not that into it. And don’t get me started on how much I loathe New Year’s Eve/Hogmanay…

Anyway, almost eight years of practice has meant that I have actually found a few ways to cope with the boredom of a solo Christmas. Please don’t misunderstand me, though. I actually quite like my own company - I always have. It’s not a bad feeling to be bored. Some folk just handle it better than others.

Here’s how to survive a Solo Christmas, Spencer-style!

1) Put up a tree. It doesn’t have to be a huge one. Mine is really quite small compared to some that you can get. Obviously, mine is a Rainbow Tree. If that’s all you have space for, that’s cool. I might put some wee lights up around the flat but it’s nothing massive or over the top. Just enough to brighten the place and chase away some of the Seasonal Affective Disorder/winter depression. The rest of my ‘decorations’ is a tiny soft/stuffed toy dinosaur with a Santa hat on, and the lovely cards that I get sent.

2) At some point in December, I highly recommend watching Scrooge (the 1970 musical version with Albert Finney) and eating cheese and crackers. In fact, throughout December, watch all the Christmas films you can. I also highly recommend Arthur Christmas (always the first one I watch), The Nightmare Before Christmas (even if it is a Halloween film, as confirmed by Danny Elfman), and Santa Claus: The Movie - the one with Dudley Moore as Patch the Elf in it. Hot chocolate suggested. With cream (vegan, in my case. Cream decided it hated me when I turned 40. Rude.)

3) Buy your favourite foods. I do love the festive foodstuffs. I even once ate a whole plate of Just Vegetables and Gravy for Christmas dinner one year. Do you fancy chicken nuggets? Get some chicken nuggets. If you wanna eat a whole cheeseboard or three between Christmas and New Year - do it!

4) Buy a whole dessert for Christmas Day supper. Again, if you want to eat the entire thing - go for it. It’s your Christmas! Enjoy as much of your pudding-supper as you want. Just don’t make yourself ill. It’s not actually worth it.

5) Make the most of the internet. I am usually found - at some point during Christmas Day - under a blanket, a tub of chocolates within very easy reach and a nice cup of tea while watching a variety of films on whatever streaming platform has what I want to watch. If you have a TV or a nice collection of DVDs and something to play them on, do that. If you have a Twitch account, I can guarantee someone somewhere will be live-streaming something on Christmas Day. I personally love the Art category on Twitch, but I do also enjoy watching someone yell at a game of something. You can just ‘lurk’ and watch, or (depending on the streamer’s settings) join in with the conversation in Chat.

6) Buy yourself presents - and wrap them. If you’re anything like me, once you can’t actually see it you’ll forget what it is anyway, so it’ll still be a nice surprise. I’m serious about this one. There’s something fun about unwrapping a gift, however ‘old’ you are. Treat yourself. It could be something you need (like slippers or maybe some cosy pyjamas) or just something nice that you fancy (like that book that just came out, or perhaps tickets for a day out somewhere). I often buy myself some new art supplies and maybe a book or something. You don’t have to go overboard spending money on things but do treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

7) Phone some people. Talk to *somebody* at least once on Christmas Day. Don’t feel like actually talking? A wee text or message will do. Connect with another human. Or several. If you have a working camera (I do not!) wear a festive jumper and a daft Christmas hat - heck, even a paper hat from a cracker will do. 8) You do not have to drink alcohol. You do NOT have to drink alcohol. Drinking alone can sometimes seem like a good idea, but, from experience, it usually isn’t. Especially if you didn’t plan to be alone. Alcohol is a depressant - and it can make things feel much worse. Also, waking up with a hangover is no fun at all. Be kind to yourself, and remember that I love you.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi i just need to put this into words and possibly get an outside perspective that isnt from my friends and such

I dont know if i can call what i went through as a teen neglect.

This is pretty long sorry, just skip to the end if necessary

TW: Alcoholism, Neglect? Sorry if i missed anything

To explain fully, i was taken out of school in 7th grade due to mental health issues and one very abusive and ableist teacher. That left me alone at home for 80% of the week, which was fine i had plenty of food and such to eat and i preferred being alone to recover from everything. I never went back even once i was "recovered"

But then when i was about 16, my mother's mental took a nosedive. She started having hospital level panic attacks. It wasnt that bad at first, cuz despite everything i still atleast had food and such for when she had to spent a day or maybe two at the hospital, which was rare. I could survive on my own with the limited help i got.

It sucked, my quality of life went from "meh could be better" to "okay uh we're surviving in decent comfort atleast?" In the span of a few months. But it wasnt the worse

Then the new year rolled over and it became worse. My mother took up drinking to cope and that spiralled fast

To the point her hospital visits became weekly almost daily, my life went from "okay i can life like this but i rather not" to "haha, im gonna end up in the hospital too-" in less then a month

I basically lived with my grandmother for a month and, she barely had any food there because they always went out to eat, food wasnt allow upstairs unless you were sick, beds felt worse then wood floors, and she didnt respect my issues

I was pushed aside, i didnt eat more then a mini bag of chips most nights because the only things to eat where expired, take out from places i didnt like, or things i literally cant eat either cuz textures or allergies.

When everything went back to almost normal, there was barely any food at home, i slept in my mother's closet because my old stalker tried breaking into my room while we were gone (also bugs overtook my room because the window was jammed for the rest of the time before we came home because of that) and my mother didnt want us to share her huge bed because i apparently violently slapped and kicked her awake till 3am when we tried (i didnt go to bed till 5am the one week when we tried, and she always woke up at 6am for her meds and such especially during this also we both slept on the very edges)

My mother would sleep all day, only waking up to take her meds and eat and stuff.

Dinner went from a "happens most of the week" thing to "you'll be luckly if you found a warm thing to make and eat"

Basically, i kinda starved often till things calmed down later in the year. I think a broke college student ate and slept better then me that year.

When i was 18 it happened again but i had a job so it wasnt as bad.

I dont blame her for like 40% of that hell, her and my father where going through the 5th messiest divorce of our closeish family has witnessed (tho it was actually kinda tame compared to the top 4 so idk the actual severity), and her mental health was already on decline for reasons that are not mine to tell

But like can i call what happened neglect?? It sounds like it but idk i actually can call it that.

Like yeah i starved most of my time as a 17 year old, slept in a cramped closet during said time, developed back issues cuz of that, was barely able to care for myself due to depression, was subjected to to smell of weed and the smoke from it often despite the fact it makes me extremely sick, was very suicidal, was told i was a burden and was making the situation worse cuz im autistic and was basically the new family afterthought

But like, does it really qualify as neglect and can i call it that if it is? Most adults i talked to at the time, even my old therapist said no because i was "17 and should already know how to care for myself on my own. And shouldnt take the words said in a probably drunken state to heart" but like there no way i could care for myself?? Atleast not without taking less then ideal options. Also that doesnt excuse the extremely hateful things yelled at me???

So im really conflicted here, was it neglect or am i just being overdramatic??? Every therapist ive been able to go to says im just being dramatic but my friends says im not so ????

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. You can most certainly call these experiences neglect if that is a term you would like to use.

Neglect by definition is to fail to care for properly, and by legal definition it's "the failure of a parent or other person with responsibility, for the child to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to." Not only were you not provided sufficient food, but it seems likely that your emotional needs may not have been taken care of either, with an unavailable mother and a disrespectful grandmother. It also sounds like you were not given adequate shelter and medical care, considering where you slept, the bug infestation, and how that affected your development. So yes, in many ways, your experience aligns with neglect.

I think it's important to remember that it's common for trauma survivors to feel like they're being dramatic when they validate the severity of their trauma, and that it makes sense to be in some level of disbelief that it's worse than you initially thought. Please know that you are valid as a trauma survivor, and remember to be patient and gentile with yourself as you explore what this means for you.

Ultimately, it may be helpful to work with a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist, especially one who specialized in trauma, can mediate your healing journey and help you find ways to make sense of, process, and cope with your experiences.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[loovetiiedd]

A Moments Peace

By Wyatt Parson

When I was 18, I ate chocolate and rode my bike. I created beautiful scenery in my head for my first world. When you own property you own the land up and down. At 3, I learned to pee in my backyard with my mom on our property. The soil, the air, the sky, and the bugs crawling under your bed. When I revisit these memories I think of summer heat. The heat that burns a little. The sky was completely blue and only a couple straggled clouds stayed in the sky. When you're so young, where you live is your world.

My mom always said I was a big kid. I feel like my biggest dream was to just be there for people. But that didn't always last. Most of the time I found myself just eating and sleeping. They tried to get me into sports but there was nothing I was really interested in. All I saw myself doing was watching the wind blow through the garden. It was planted five years ago but now that I have the house to myself, I've let it grow over. I like to know the bees are happy. I was working full time, so sometimes I listened to them when I got home. No one told me how to live, so I kind of made it up along the way. Money was important. Without cash I don’t think the world can move. This was the time when I didn't have money, and it was the worst time of my life. I was working fast food, but it helped with hunger. It's interesting how where you are in the world can change so much of what your life is like. Everyday feels like it's the same story my mother used to read to me before bed. I got used to this predictability. Maybe I'm glad this all changed…………

In 2004, I picked my mom up from work. She worked in the mall; one of those stores for women. My dad was a drunk and lived in our basement. My dad loves me because he sees parts of himself in me. That's why he hates me too.

I saw him once a week, so I spent most of my time with my mom. I was her reliable transportation. That night, I picked her up and I asked her how her day was. She said it was “another day.” I think that's how most days are for her. I feel like it's hard to make change when you fold clothes all day, but I don't know anything about fashion. I have to take the city roads home every night. Driving through the city is always scary, it feels like when there are so many people all you can do is sit in awe of the amount of work it has taken to get here. All of the homeowners, business-owners, and landowners come together to make this huge city. Luckily, we were just passing through. There was a house deep into the country, close by the south end of the Mississippi river. We wanted to change our schedule, and this was a hidden gem my mom knew about. As we were leaving, the tension of the city continued into the countryside. The energy of our surroundings shifted as we saw more cornfields. As you leave the tall buildings and dense groups of people, we are displaced into nothing. It took us a couple hours to get far into the country, but we both called off work the next day so we could spare the time.

I drove a 1994 Chevy pickup in a bright cherry red.

It was beaten up and the paint was getting eaten away with a sort of matte rust going over the top. Country roads were different from the city. I hadn't ever been out this far, but she acted like she knew where to go. My mom lived here her whole life, so I believed her. Eventually, she told me to make a left turn down this street called Vision Street. We were four hours out and the fields ahead of us were foggier than the mountains we were leaving. Haze was dancing around my low-beam lights as I drove over the gravel path. The car went cold and I could feel a sinking feeling between us. My mother was entranced with the mist around us, it reminded me of the rays of light and clouds I saw in the bible as a kid.

I had dreamt of God in my youth, but I never went to church. Right then, I needed god.

My mom wasn't speaking and my eyes fell off the road as I felt my body reject my current energy. She screamed as the road got bumpier and we began to swerve off. My mother grabbed the wheel and turned it completely in her direction. The car slammed into an upcoming grain silo and the right side of my car crashed into itself, collapsing the entire right side of the vehicle, crushing my mom. The car engine added to the cloud outside and bursted into a fog, smelling like a mix of chlorine and a deep engine oil or gas. My body transformed into a different sense of self and a newer heightened level of disbelief had entered my conscience. As I looked at my mother covered in her own blood and motionless, I realized that I was the only one that could help her. I tried everything.I spent five minutes doing mouth to mouth. I could feel her cold lips upon mine but I had to ignore it to stay sane enough to keep her alive. I then tried chest compressions. I didn’t pay attention in health class that day. I was too tired from working the night before. I didn't know how else to help her and nothing would get her to breathe again. Her eyes were locked in place and her muscles stiffened. I looked at her lifeless, and it reminded me of her dressing the mannequins to display at the mall.

Her corpse was on display for me.

My mom was gone.

I opened her mouth and shifted my eye above it. I just let my tears fall into her mouth. It was my last attempt to bring her back, but there was nothing magic about me. I sat there next to her carcass. When our dogs died, my dad would always bury them for us, so I wasn't trained in this service. The next four hours were spent digging a hole next to the silo. The whole time I was covered in my own tears and sweat. We were too far gone from the city and I didnt know how to get back. She never wanted to be buried in a casket so I needed to honor her wish. I did what I could for her. I kissed her lips and cut a grip of hair from my scalp and braided it into hers. After holding her hand for the last time, I cut a line across both of our hands with the pocket knife I found in the park. Our blood spilled out and that was the last sign of any humanity in her. I dragged her into the grave and covered her over with the dirt I piled up. I sat there on top of her; piled over the layers of earth and nothing felt the same. My entire life, my entire body, everything I was familiar with, was different. I wept into the soil so maybe grass would grow a little faster over her. I used the grain that spilled out from the silo to surround her body to mark this land as her own. All the land below, and all the land above.

I shut my eyes of exhaustion and rested with her in my own fucked up moment of peace

[pitoftheplum]

[December's Own]

I'm at an undisclosed coffee shop across from an undisclosed hotel. I'm the only one outside. I wear headphones that make no sound. I brush crumbs from my table and watch them float down. Poet brain: autumn appropriation alighting. Alliteration, always. I won't include that when I type this (heh, howdy). Avocado toast, the culprit, why millennials cannot afford to purchase homes. Am I a millennial? I can't tell. I think I'm floating in-between, the gray, swirly-whirly, like all else about me. A lady walks out and scoffs "bitch" weakly. She thinks I don't hear. Cowardly. I laugh, honestly. I certainly can be. But deservedly. Mostly. She thinks I am a toast thief. I didn't rob her of anything. The baristas had simply forgotten. It happens. No bacon on mine, beloved. The people have started. Moths are what they (We? nine years in one place is fairly significant) call them. I won't be for this patio much longer. Give my street spot away to some family. I offer what I can offer. The breeze brought from another city smells like popcorn. That was my favorite food for the longest. Used to make myself sick with it. Grandma did it the right way, stovetop and canola and a bucket of butter and a healthy heaping of sweet, sweet sodium. Toothpicks for the kernels, floss is for wimps. When I got here the light was light. Vanilla bean. My favorite flavor of ice cream. I know, boring. Or, maybe, stay with me, all you really need. Now it's going gold on me. Settling or seeking safety? The place is crowding. I stuffed a tissue under the table's leg so I can write this without it wobbling. I gotchu, baby. A lady showed me her purse earlier while I was waiting to snatch a snack that may or may not have belonged to me (I'm the only one narrating. Can you trust what I'm telling?). A salt girl painted on a periwinkle crescent by her daughter, she's gushing. Morton is their last name, she doesn't ask me why I have mine with me. I feel like I may start crying. I'm complimenting and smiling. Mirroring. But I meant it, promise, really. I slid out of that ambient noise atrocity and opened a book on the other side of the glass titled "Satan Says", started scarfing. After that they left pretty quickly. From fast friends to avoided. A relatively common occurence. People project on me to be pretty polarizing. But many lean to love, regardless. I enjoy the collection generally but some leave me feeling hollow and heavy. Too close to my own things I'd kill to be blessed with forgetting. Up the street is a spot where I bought my favorite book of poetry. It's called Fire and Fret and affected me exponentially. The author is a professor of music, I believe it was published by his university. Local-ish to where I'm sitting. It's nothing ground-breaking. Just spoke to me. Significantly. It's how I am and aim to continue Living. It's about how much he loves this world, his wife, and their sex. Yes. Brilliant. More of that is needed. Profound and proud professions that indeed, I am an animal, homo-sapien. I like to eat//sleep//fuck//repeat the process as much as the next in lineage. Does that make me less intelligent? Being simplistic? I think I'm quite complex internally, I prefer to not think too hard about the other things. Happy-go-lucky. Few people have used that in attempts to insult me. Implying I don't take anything seriously. All it not as it seems. It's quite the contrary. Bell-curving. I'm writing this with a green pen (not here, silly) and I'm scrawling so quickly I'm hoping I'll still be able to read. And isn't that a metaphor for who I am as a being? Moving too fast to make sense and making a mess on top of it? I guess you'd have to know me to answer that. I'm quite mysterious in the flesh. Pandora's box once split open.

<3

-louie

[frogsandfries]

I have never experienced much attachment to the places I've lived. I've never gotten sad over leaving a city or neighborhood.

At least not while I was living in Wisconsin. Even in 2018, when I bounced from Oregon, when I'd never strayed much further from Wisconsin than just tippy toes over the state line to Illinois; then pretty quickly to Arizona.

I don't really miss either of those places, just that I'd give almost anything to really relish the Pacific coast beach sand beneath my feet, at least once.

I've had an incredibly hard time being back in Wisconsin after what was going to be five years in New Mexico. I miss everything. I miss the air traffic. I miss the mountains. I miss the sky. I miss the dry. Hell, I miss the gunshots in the middle of the night, the sounds of drag racing. I miss the food. I miss the giant blood clots in my nose, a combination of the dry, thin air and a blood vessel I busted horribly in middle school. Every time I walk fast through a grocery store, I'm reminded that I'm no longer home.

I'd never felt homesickness until this summer.

I felt so horribly homesick, I still suffer from derealization at points. Like, being in Wisconsin is so horrible, it can't possibly be the truth. It just can't be reality.

I don't know what to do about it. Every time I try to tell my sister just a little of it, she acts a little hurt that I don't find her house my home. I don't know if she's ever felt this way about a place. She's traveled to Spain and Italy; she lived in Poland for about a year for her job. She's been to maybe a little more of the US than I have. She says she doesn't want to live anywhere besides Wisconsin. She says she hates New Mexico, that it's dry and brown.

It's more than dry and brown. It's beautiful. It's so beautiful to me. The sunsets are breathtaking every day; and the few sunrises I saw made me wish I was a morning person. New Mexico is red and fuchsia and gold and tangerine and violet and lavender. New Mexico is tumble weeds and road runners and drag racing and hot air balloons.

Ever since I was really little, I fantasized about living in the mountains.

I've had a fascination with hot air balloons for a long, long time.

New Mexico was where I really learned and realized that I really could be completely independent, and I could have my own cats for the first time in my life and I could hold down a job and pay my own rent all by myself and never have to ask family or friends to help me with anything.

What if I die in some freak circumstance, here in Wisconsin, having never seen New Mexico again in my life? What if I just never get back into a situation where I can go back to my home?

My seasonal depression has been killing me: All summer, it rained constantly and now it's stopped raining, but I'm further up the globe than I have been in four years and the change to the amount of daylight adds up day after day. New Mexico was also very gentle on my seasonal depression, which, if that's not enough to make one fall in love with a place, I can't imagine much more. I'm still so freaking proud and pleased, last winter, I spent the least amount of time being depressed since my depression first began. And I'm paying for it with interest this year......

Worst of all, to compound it all, I was supposed to be here to help my sister with her mortgage, and simultaneously improve my savings. I'm not financially helping with her mortgage, and I'm not earning enough money to even get the basics for myself, never even mind saving.

On top of that, my cat is miserable and stressed out. She's in such a bad state, she's even hissing at her brother--you know, the one and only brother that she's always had and always lived with? She growls at me when I try to pick her up or if I hold her too long or touch her while she eats. We were going to brush her teeth today, but even with a handful of her scruff, she was still screaming and growling.

I'm not sure if it's just that she's reading me and how unhappy I am, or what, but she's just absolutely not adjusting and it's killing me. In fact, the opposite. She's getting more stressed and more unhappy, which is--to undersell--destroying me.

And perhaps lastly, I was telling my sister I'm thinking about getting a tent for my bed. I've also been thinking about giving up the bedroom and just condensing down to the office. But that's crazy talk. If I put the bed in the office, a) I'm just going to have to move it again if I ever actually work from home again and b) that room is going to get real small, real fast.

The biggest reason I've been thinking about moving fully into the office is: This bedroom is a lot of space to try to climate control. If I got a bed tent, I wouldn't have to worry about heating or cooling the whole room, or sleeping with my face exposed to the cold. In most cases, I probably wouldn't even need a heating blanket. But this is fucking absolutely wild, how cold it gets in here, and it's only October. I need a whole new wardrobe, and I'm sick to death at the thought of it because where the hell am I going to find some decent sweaters??

If I'd just fucking.....known how fucking miserable I'd be, trapped out here in the middle of fucking nowhere. At least Albuquerque isn't nowhere. The public transit system might be garbage, but it exists. And even in the dead of winter, all I needed was a sweater or two. My apartments all stayed warm enough.

I think I'm causing my cat to continue to be stressed out and unable to settle into her new home with her new neighbors......

[unrelaxing]

There are over 300 books in this house, not including the ones I download onto my kindle by the hundreds for flights or train rides that don't actually require that many books, yet I am COMPLETELY UNABLE to find my next book. I've already chosen my audiobook for the next work week, which Audible tells me I have until the 27th to listen to before it stops being free and becomes worth 1 credit. I had no interest in listening to it until I saw that, now it's top priority.

I'm ashamed but I'm getting the urge to buy new books. It's been at least a month. To alleviate guilt (and also because I am ... unwealthy), I'm going to go to the local Vinnies, which have books as cheap as .50 cents. I'm also thinking of going to the free Little Library in the city and taking a book from there, though I'm going to have to pick a book to give. I'm bad at that. I'm greedy about books in a way I don't feel greedy about anything else. Maybe because only books ever has a system like a 'give and take' honour system. Certainly can't imagine people doing that about mobile phones, or quilt covers. I would find the former easy, but the latter just as excruciating as with books.

I finished 3 books this week, one via audiobook. That's why I'm getting that (incorrect) feeling that I'm somehow running out. I also can't stand reading on my kindle lately, which happens every once in a while.

I'm journaling less digitally, lately, because I got a 365 day diary that I've been writing in diligently. The downside is that it doesn't have room for much navel-gazing, because you only get one page. I write using bullet points, and most of it is written like I expect to get retrograde amnesia and need to access insignificant events. One entry reads: "At around 9:36pm someone started knocking on the door - specifically on the glass part, with what seemed like something metal (like a key?)." I'm disappointed in myself because I wrote "around 9:36pm". That time is so specific and therefore there was no need to put 'around'. That was definitely the time someone knocked on the door. I definitely looked at my phone as I freaked out and took note of the exact time.

It's nice to write with a pen, and it's nice to do something daily that isn't washing my ass. But I'm also worried about my digital journalling, and the idea that not everything is in the same place. It's easy to transfer my tumblr posts onto my online journal, but not my physical journalling, and my neurosis is flaring up about it feeling cluttered to not have everything be in the same place. I don't want to stop, though. I'm building some good habits lately. Reading more, physically writing, tracking my food, intermittent fasting.

Funnily enough, I started all this two days after J's birthday. She was starting to change her life, because she'd turned 30. I'm 29. I thought to myself, it's never worked for me whenever I use a special occasion to change my life. I have New Years' Resolutions (capital letters) every year, and only achieve one or two, usually my reading goal and something else. The euphoria of being able to call something a new beginning gets my gears going, but once that feeling fades so does my desire to actually achieve my goals.

Maybe it'll be better for me to start on just any random day. My brain is as it normally is, my excitement for life the way it will be for the rest of year. I chose J's birthday because as much as I love her, that date has no significance to my desire to achieve anything.

It'll be a month in 3 days, and I'm trudging along. I eat 2/3 meals a day, not denying myself - just making sure to have my dinner early and not eat anything else after, no matter how much I'm craving chocolate. I've set an alarm at 8:30pm so I remember to journal. I don't always do it at that time, but it means it's on my mind for the rest of the night. I make sure to sleep before 12, so that I get at least 8 hours of sleep. I've made other small improvements in my life that somehow make me hopeful. Am I getting my life together, finally?

Did all it really take was following advise that's been on Nike logos since 1999?

I swear, if I finish this 365 day diary I'm writing a cheesy self help book and doing a Ted Talk.

[writergirl3]

4 Town General Headcanons; Pt. 2

I really liked writing the first round of general hcs, so here are some more 🧡

Robaire;

As well as French, he speaks Spanish and a bit of Italian. All the romantic languages are pretty on brand for him, let’s be honest.

He’s visited every continent. His Dad traveled a lot for work when Robaire was a kid, and the boy was lucky enough to accompany him on some of his trips.

Surprise surprise, his favourite food is anything French. Particularly ratatouille. He always makes time for a proper breakfast in the morning and will munch on a baguette pretty much all day, no matter where he is. T always makes fun of him for eating bread that looks like a…well, y’know.

He used to wear brown contacts. While he embraces his hazel/green eyes now, he used to think they made him look too different. A kid at school once called him an alien and after that he begged his parents for coloured contacts. 

He loves Stevie Wonder. Like, adores the man. When he’s at home, he always has his music playing on vinyl. He got to meet him in 4 Town’s early days and let me tell you, the guy cried for like three days straight.

The guys are convinced that Robaire is immune to the cold. You’ll never see him wear a pair of gloves, and the poorly-circulated Jesse is so bitter about Ro’s ability to stay warm no matter what.

Jesse;

Jesse’s a really strong swimmer. One time when Tae went too deep in the sea when snorkeling and started freaking out, Jesse had him out of there in no time.

He always, always makes the guys handmade birthday cards. It’s become a tradition and the boys lowkey look forward to the card more than the gift.

He needs glasses and hates it. What’s worse is that he’s freaked out by putting anything near his eye so contacts are a struggle. The only one who can help him is Z, who has mastered the art of distracting Jesse and then dropping the contact on his eye before he can freak out.

He's super protective over his younger sisters and gave all the guys a serious talking to. Even if they find his sisters cute, none of the guys are willing to risk Jesse's wrath.

He pierced his own ear and then did the same for T. Was it a good idea? Maybe. Maybe not. Still, he felt pretty badass about it. 

Aaron T;

Loads of people headcanon T as a Spanish-speaker and all I can say is YES. He’ll babble away to himself in Spanish so fast that Robaire can’t even understand. If they wanna prank the other boys, though, they’ll just start conversing in Spanish and piss them off. This gets on Z’s nerves, especially. T speaks Italian too, but just prefers Spanish more.

He’s left-handed and has tried to teach himself to write with his right hand. Because he’s a dumbass, he’s also determined to successfully write with his feet. Don’t ask me why.

This guy gets through like two cellphones a year. Thankfully, being a member of 4 Town means he can afford all the little mishaps. One of them included running over his own phone with Jesse’s minivan. The less said about it, the better.

He used to straighten his curls when he first joined 4 Town. Straight hair was, and still is, in, so he felt kinda pressured. He soon got bored of sitting with Jesse’s straighteners for more than five minutes, though, and everyone loves his curls, anyway.

Aaron Z;

I mentioned this before, but he hates alcohol. Fully despises it. As if the taste weren’t bad enough, he’s freaked out by the idea that a little too much of the stuff could turn him into another person. He feels the same about drugs, and is resistant to even taking painkillers for the same reason. 

Robaire persuaded Z to try twisting his hair. Z thought they’d get in the way when he was playing sports, and he’d always kept his hair short and natural for that reason. When Robaire didn’t stop nagging him, he tried them, and secretly thinks he looks better with them than he did before.

Although Z is pretty much always seen wearing athletic gear, he’s simple with his style otherwise. He likes wearing simple tops and pants, although you’ll rarely see him in long sleeves. He’s warm-blooded and overheats really easily, and once spent Christmas Day in a pair of shorts.

We all know that Z looks intimidating and can come off as judgemental, but he’s super sentimental. Even more so than Tae and Robaire. While his face gives nothing away, his heart could be bursting with love inside.

In that same vein, Z is a really good writer. He fumbles over his words when he speaks, but becomes someone else when he writes. It’s like a window into his mind.

Tae Young;

Tae is a foodie, and he desperately wants to learn how to bake. He just can’t do it, though. Z tried to give him some lessons, but it ended in a shouting match (don’t worry, they made up after). Tae just has no time for instructions. Seriously, T probably has better focus in this department. Just leave Tae to ice some cupcakes or something and he’ll be happy enough.

He goes back to South Korea at least once a year to see his grandparents. He was super close to them when he was growing up and always showers them with gifts when he sees them now.

Tae's a big advocate of body positivity. He was a little chubby as a kid and found weight-related stuff difficult because of it. He's always telling 4Townies that they're beautiful no matter their size. The guys have learnt a lot from him, and the Aarons in particular have so much respect for Tae's passion.

He’s even more of a neat freak than Robaire, which is saying something. Tae loves T, but will whoop his ass if the brunette touches a single thing in his bedroom. He likes things a certain way, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

---

Musing Meaninglessly Masterlist

[shycoconutt]

I Need You (Kakashi x Reader Smut)

A/n: Oh boy do I got some smutty smut for you. This is my first time writing smut and I think I did okay! Please let me know what you think and, as always, feel free to send some requests my way! 🤍

Summary: You find yourself unbelievably horny waiting for Kakashi to get home from work. The night goes exactly as planned.

Word Count: 4200

Warnings: NSFW ( minors, there's the door -> 🚪), fem!reader, vaginal sex, rough sex, doggy style, cunnilingus

Gods, why am I so horny?

Sat in the reading chair in the corner of your and Kakashi’s bedroom, you find yourself unable to focus on the new novel you picked up at the bookstore this morning. Each time you try to focus on the words in front of you, your eyes start to drift off the page and fall on your bed across the room. The bed where Kakashi and you have had sex now maybe a dozen times. You two have been platonic partners for years, but it wasn’t until recently where you both allowed your feelings to blossom into romance. Some would say that your relationship with Kakashi came on fast, but those who say that don’t truly know either of you.

After the war, and after keeping your feelings for each other bottled down for years, Kakashi took you on a vacation to a quaint village on the outskirts of Konoha. During your stay, you two could finally relax and find comfort in each other. The future seemed less uncertain, and you allowed yourself to open up in ways you never had before. You both knew you loved each other, that you were meant for each other, but the stress of war and the lack of knowledge that either of you would come out alive prevented anything from happening. The last thing either of you wanted to do was take the other’s heart six feet under.

It was the third night on the trip when he proposed to you. Kakashi and you were naked together in the natural hot spring, embracing each other in the water. The words he spoke to you that night are etched in your brain, never to be forgotten.

“My whole life I’ve been fighting; fighting for Konoha, fighting for my team, fighting for our friends, fighting my demons, fighting the truth, and fighting the feelings I have for you. I never understood why it was so hard to escape you, but it isn’t until now where I finally understand. Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever had to do. Our love is so natural, so pure. It pains me to know that our reality has muddled it for so long. You are the best thing that’s ever come into my life, and the gods only know how thankful I am that you have been by my side through it all. Everything I’ve ever gone through, every challenge I’ve had to overcome, you’ve guided me along the way. I used to think I was undeserving of your love, but now that we both are standing here, bruised and battered by our past, I realize that it was always supposed to be this way. You and me. Forever.”

That was the night you and Kakashi shared your first kiss. The night you first held each other in a naked embrace. The night you touched the skin normally concealed under each other's clothes. The night you trailed kisses down his chest, to his stomach, his hip, and up his shaft. The night you grabbed him in your hand and stroked him while looking into his eyes. The night you felt his tongue draw across your nipples. The night you felt him suck and nibble at your neck. The night you felt his fingers, god his fingers, trace up your wet heat to rub onto your most sensitive spot. The night he held onto your hip and slid into your tenderness. The night you whispered sweet nothings in each other's ears while he pumped into you. The night you made love, four times.

It’s been a week since your mini-vacation of ultimate bliss. Immediately after arriving back to the village, you both moved out of your individual apartments and moved into the Hatake estate, per Kakashi’s request. When you asked him if this is truly what he wanted, he assured you that this was the place he wanted to make a home with you and your future children. He also liked that the estate is largely removed from the Hokage tower, where he will be spending the majority of his time in the future. Renovations are far from over, but your bedroom was the first area of the house to be set up. It’s your shared sanctuary, and to be completely honest, you’ve never felt more at home.

The only word to describe this week between you and Kakashi is passionate. Even with opposite schedules, you both make time for one another every day. You’ve been insanely busy at your new job that you acquired post-war, spearheading the mental health resource center for war veterans and shinobi still in active duty. Kakashi is busy shadowing Tsunade while she sorts out post-war rehabilitation plans for the village. This is your first day off and, unfortunately, Kakashi is out doing future Hokage duties. Though frustrating, both of you are super understanding of each other's roles in this village and you respect that time with each other may be limited in the coming years. That’s why any chance you get, you both check in on each other throughout your day. Whether it’s offering to take his ninken on a walk while he’s in the office, or him bringing you breakfast when you get to work, you find opportunities to be present in each other’s daily lives.

The evenings, however, are a whole other story. Both of you are usually home a little after eight, and you’ve adapted to having late dinners with each other. After cleaning up, the rest of the evening is spent wrapped up in each other. One thing you weren’t expecting about being with Kakashi is that he is constantly touching you when you are alone together. His hands are either on your thighs, wrapped in your hair, caressing your face, squeezing your arms, massaging your shoulders, touching your lips, or any other way he can get them on you. You crave his touch, so to say that you enjoy this side of him is an understatement. Not only does Kakashi adore touching you, he also adores being touched.

Touching leads to caressing, caressing leads to groping, and groping leads to passionate lovemaking.

Well, geez (y/n), maybe if you stopped daydreaming about Kakashi’s hands all over you then you wouldn’t be this goddamn horny.

Here’s the thing with you and Kakashi’s newfound sex life. You are in the early stages. All the sex you have is all about romance, making up for the lost time, and finally expressing your feelings with your body. It’s amazing and you wouldn’t change your lovemaking for the world.

But right now, you don’t desire lovemaking. You desire rough, animalistic, dirty, dirty sex.

The kind of sex that makes you shudder in desire and fear.

The kind of sex that makes in between your legs sore the next day.

Realizing you’ve been daydreaming for the past fifteen minutes, you close your novel shut and toss it aside. You look over at the clock on your nightstand to find that it’s almost time for Kakashi to be home. Usually, you would already be cooking something up for dinner, but you have a feeling that any food you make would just get cold. Eating is not your priority right now, Kakashi is.

A devious smile forms at your lips when you consider what you plan on doing with him when he walks through the front door. Should you take him right there? Get down on your knees and beg for him? Run a warm, candle-lit bath? Put whip cream on your tits and tell him that you’re his dinner? All great options, but none are really representative of how much you need him.

In one swift movement, you are up off your chair and running towards your closet. He could be here any minute and there’s no time to waste. Once there, you take in how disorganized your closet is. You have yet to unpack any of your clothes, as all you’ve worn the past week is your jonin uniform and your pajamas. Rummaging through the boxes sprawled out on the floor, you finally find which box you are looking for. The box looks like any other box, but written on the side in marker is the word intimates.

Bingo.

One might think you are a sex fiend with all the lingerie you own, but that is far from reality. The truth is, lingerie has always made you feel sexy. Most of all, it’s just so pretty. You love the power it gives you. You love the fact that no one knows that some days you are wearing the world’s skimpiest lingerie underneath your uniform. It’s like you have an edge on someone that they don't even realize. Also, when you did happen to end up in bed with a man, you were over-prepared. The look on their faces when you stripped off your clothes was priceless. It was your way of telling them that you expected them to want you.

There are way too many options to choose from, and you find yourself starting to panic as time passes on. You know you’re overthinking this as, honestly, Kakashi would love anything you put on. Some things you know about Kakashi are that his favorite color is blue, he loves your thighs and is obsessed with how soft your skin is. Therefore, you should obviously go for the baby blue lace and silk set. It includes a lace balconette bra, a thong connected to thigh garters, and a silk robe to go over the top. After putting it on and taking a look at yourself in the mirror, you knew you made the right choice.

Before finding a comfortable spot on the bed, you quickly grab some baby oil and rub it all over your body. The oil will allow Kakashi to slide his hands all over you effortlessly, which is exactly what you need. Satisfied, you grab your book and lay on top of your made bed. You weren’t planning on actually reading, but you think your casualness while wearing such a sexy outfit will have Kakashi’s head spinning.

So there you were, belly down, ass out, feet intertwined, book in hand, when you heard the lock click and the front door open. Perfect timing.

You could hear Kakashi kick off his shoes and take off his vest as he walked into your home. Usually, you would be standing in the kitchen where he would come and give you a warm embrace and kiss you until you told him that he has to eat dinner. But, you're not there, and you can sense his confusion.

“Where’s my babygirl?” Kakashi’s voice projects throughout the house, a hint of concern in his voice. You smile at the thought of the pout that’s probably on his face right now.

“Sorry sweetheart, I’ve been caught up in my new book. I’m in the bedroom,” you call back to him.

You hear what sounds like a sigh of relief as his footsteps make their way down your hallway in the direction of your bedroom, the sounds of pieces of his uniform dropping off of him every few steps. You make sure to keep your head turned to the door so you can take in his reaction to your state.

“Oh, the new book you got this morning? How is it? Let me guess, you already finished-”

An indescribable feeling shoots through your whole body as Kakashi enters your bedroom. He just finished pulling his mask down his face, as his hand is still caught to the fabric pooling around his neck. With a smile on your face, you soak in his expression as he’s stood in the entrance of your room, a deep blush forming on his cheeks and his mouth still agape in mid-sentence. His eyes dart back and forth from your face to the bottom of your ass that’s hanging out of your silk robe.

Damn, you really did that (y/n).

“What’s wrong, Kashi?” You say in the most innocent voice you can muster. You bat your eyelashes and flip over to sit up so he can get a good look at you. You let your book drop off the bed and land on the floor.

There’s another pause before Kakashi slowly walks towards you on the bed. Without speaking, he reaches a hand out to you. You take it and he pulls you up so you're kneeling on the bed as he stands in front of you. His dark eyes bore into yours as both of his hands drop to your thighs. Slowly, he grazes them up over your hips, your waist, up the sides of your breasts, to wrap around the back of your neck. You can feel the hairs on your skin stand in anticipation. With his hands still wrapped around you, he brings his head down to you and grazes his mouth on your jawline. From there he plants small kisses up the side of your face until he reaches your ear where he nibbles before speaking to you in a strained, low tone.

“You’re a very dangerous woman, (y/n).”

He must have felt you shudder because you could feel him smile against your cheek. Standing up straight again, Kakashi’s hands drop to the tie of your robe around your waist.

“May I?” he asks, giving you the sexiest look you’ve ever seen. Kakashi has been so effortlessly attractive since you met when you were young. Having these intimate moments with him almost seems surreal.

“Of course, Hatake,” you smile up at him.

Taking the tie in his hands, he starts to unravel the knot keeping your robe together. Once loose, he lets it fall over your shoulders and off your body completely.

After a few moments taking in the sight of you, Kakashi lets out a deep sigh and shakes his head.

“You’re so out of my league,” he confesses to you.

You let out a small giggle.

“Absolutely not,” you protest.

Without missing a beat, Kakashi grabs on to you and tosses you back on the bed so you are laying down underneath him. One of his hands wraps around the back of your head while the other cups your breast. Pulling the fabric of your bra down, he kneads your nipple between his thumb and pointer finger. One of his knees lands in between your legs and he brings it up to press on to you. You can’t help the moan that escapes as you feel him all around you.

“So what’s the deal?” Kakashi teases. “I leave you alone in the house for one day and I come back to this?” He looks down at your body and back up again. “Where did you get this outfit, hm?”

“Oh baby,” you start teasing him back, “I guess one thing you don’t know about me yet is that I wear lingerie like this all the time.”

“Oh really?” he questions.

“Yep, all the time.” You smirk at what you’re about to say next. “Actually, remember that one time we were stationed together in the Earth country for a month for that S-rank assassination mission?”

Kakashi nods, confused where you’re going with this story.

“We let our guards down and almost hooked up the last night before we came back to the village.”

“I remember.”

“Well,” you pause for effect, “guess what I was wearing underneath my uniform that night?”

Kakashi remains silent, brows furrowed waiting for you. You smile at him deviously as you say your answer.

“This.”

Kakashi lets out what can only be described as an aroused, defeated groan when you utter your confession. He quickly comes back down and your mouths crash together in a heated frenzy. It isn’t until now when you realize that his bulge is hard against your leg, asking to be broken free from the confinement of his pants. While making out, you reach down and slip your hand under his waistband and grab onto his throbbing cock, stroking it in your hand. Although rock hard, the skin of his cock is soft and velvety.

Kakashi moans in your mouth when you make contact with him, but quickly escapes your grasp and gets up off of you. Sprawled out on the bed, you watch him strip down naked in front of you, starting with his shirt, then his pants and briefs. His body is truly something to marvel at, as decades of being a ninja have carved his body into perfection. You love the way his member slaps against his lower stomach when he pulls it from its confinement, excited and eager for you. He stands for a moment, contemplating what to do with you.

“I don’t want to take that pretty outfit off of you just yet. I guess I’ll just have to work around it for now,” Kakashi says as he stands at the end of the bed. Grabbing your ankles, he pulls you towards him and bends your legs upward until your knees meet your chest. Holding both of your legs up with one hand, he takes the other and spanks your ass cheek with a loud slap. You whimper from the sting while he rubs the mark he left. Kakashi sucks in another loud breath.

“Ugh, (y/n), you look so good for me.”

Before you can respond, Kakashi takes your thong and slides it over so you are exposed to him. Getting down on his knees, he brings his face to your glistening cunt and flattens his tongue against it. There he gives you one long lick up your slit to taste you. A moan erupts from him as your wetness meets his taste buds.

“You’re already so wet for me baby,” Kakashi breathes before going in to suck on you.

“I’ve been thinking about you all day,” you confess through your moans. “I only get this wet for you.”

“That’s because you're mine and mine only.”

Kakashi takes his time with you, almost as if this is his last meal on earth and he wants to savor it. He’s delicate in some moments and fierce in others. Incorporating his fingers, he slides them into you and curves them up to hit your g-spot repeatedly while eating you. Your hand instinctively cradles his face while the other intertwines with his silver locks. You start to feel tightness in your lower stomach as he brings you close to climax. The sound of his moans muffled inside you is enough to send you over the edge.

“Kakashi, baby, I’m gonna-”

“Come for me, baby,” Kakashi nods, giving you permission to let go.

Letting go of Kakashi, you grip onto the sheets around you, feeling the tightness build and drop out of you. Closing your eyes, the waves of ecstasy ripple throughout your body causing you to scream out in pleasure. Riding with you, Kakashi slowly continues to work you through your climax, cleaning up whatever juices spill over.

“Good girl,” He says to you while bringing your legs back down onto the bed. Slowly, he kisses up your thighs while hooking onto your thong, bringing it down off of them. While he does this, you reach around and unclasp your bra, throwing it aside. Once the thong is thrown aside as well, Kakashi lifts himself off the floor and flips you over so you're laying on your stomach, another smack landing on your ass cheek. The high from your orgasm is immediately replaced with anticipation for what he plans on doing to you next.

You feel Kakashi’s naked body slide on top of you until he's flush against your skin, his body completely enveloping yours. Once his face is level with yours, and his cock is hard against your backside, he brushes your hair away from your face.

“Are you ready for me?” Kakashi whispers into your ear.

You nod into the mattress, chest rising and falling with every strained breath.

“You need to use your words, (y/n),” Kakashi scolds you while tucking your hair behind your ear.

“I need you, Kakashi. Please, I need you.” Your words come out as a plea, not being able to take his absence any longer.

You feel Kakashi’s weight lift off of you as he reaches around your waist and lifts it up so your ass is tilted upwards. From there you can feel him position his tip at your entrance, slowly rubbing it up and down to spread your wetness.

“Please, Kashi, I need your cock inside me,” you beg.

Without further hesitation, you feel every inch of him slide into your folds until he’s bottomed out inside you. The feeling of him deep within you sends you into euphoria and you can feel yourself tighten around him.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” Kakashi whispers.

Starting off slow, he pumps into you with control. You feel pleasure and pain as Kakashi kisses your neck while grabbing onto your hair. After each thrust you feel him going faster and harder, your bodies smacking against each other. To gain more leverage, he lifts off of you and brings you up onto your hands and knees. With his hand gripping your shoulder, he pumps into you with ferocity.

“For years I’ve touched myself thinking about getting to fuck you like this baby. You’re so beautiful and so good to me. Everything about your body draws me to you,” Kakashi says in between moans. You feel him start to twitch inside you, his thrusts getting more out of control. You look over your shoulder and meet his gaze.

“We deserve this baby. You deserve this. Give me everything.” You both know your words mean more than just sex, and Kakashi relishes them.

Lifting you up by your neck, Kakashi brings you toward him so you're both kneeling while he continues thrusting inside of you. He brings one hand around your front to circle your clit and the other cups your breast. Your hands lift up behind you to grab onto his face. Turning your head to him, you kiss him with every ounce of passion you have left. This new position is hitting you at your core and you can feel yourself tighten again. Kakashi must have felt it too, as he broke free from your mouth to tilt his head back in pleasure. Without exchanging words, you know you both are at your limit.

With a few last staggering thrusts, both of you reach climax in unison. Feeling yourself go limp, Kakashi wraps his arms around you to keep you steady. You feel streams of his hot semen pool inside of your contracting walls. With Kakashi’s moans singing in your ear, you can’t help but smirk at his vulnerability. With him still inside, you hold onto each other, trying to catch your breaths. After a few beats, you both begin to laugh at your exasperated states.

“Stay here, I’m going to get a towel,” Kakashi says while shifting out of you. After pulling a towel from the cupboard in your bathroom, Kakashi brings it to you and cleans up between your legs. Before you have time to move, Kakashi picks you up bridal style and spins you around in his arms.

You scream and start to laugh as he plants kisses all over your face. “Kakashi!”

“Hm?” he hums in your ear, pretending he didn’t just lift you with little to no effort.

Holding you up with one arm, he grabs a blanket off the bed and carries you to the chair in the corner of your room. There he sits down and places you sideways on his lap so you’re facing each other. He then takes the blanket and wraps it around you both so you can stay warm while cuddling each other. Kakashi has always had a knack for knowing exactly what you want at any given moment.

“I thought we could get some inspiration for our next round,” Kakashi says with a smirk as he pulls out a copy of Icha Icha Tactics from underneath the cushion.

“What? How did that get there?” you laugh.

“Oh, I have multiple copies of these everywhere,” he jokes, waving the book in the air.

You laugh and lightly hit his chest. Tucking the blanket up closer to your face, you lay your head down on Kakashi’s shoulder while he flips open to a page in the book.

Before he starts to read to you, Kakashi lifts your chin to kiss you. Every time your lips touch his, flashes of your joint past enters your mind. Although it was hard, and you faced many difficult trials on the way, you are forever thankful that you were both able to live long enough to experience these moments. You took care of each other, lifted each other up when they were in the dirt, and now you can finally share the love you’ve always held for each other. You wouldn’t change any of it. After your kiss, before pulling away from you, Kakashi looks deep into your eyes.

“I love you, (y/n).”

You smile up at him, tears brimming in your eyes.

“I love you too, Kakashi. Forever.”

-

A/n cont.: Well, whattdaya think? :)

[noteguk]

bad behavior | jjk | m

This is in the same universe as “bad influence.” It can, however, be read as a stand-alone. 

— summary; in which staying late to volunteer at a self-help meeting was the best decision you made in a while. 

— contents and warnings; smut, the endless adventures of badboy!jk x goodgirl!reader, public sex (in a church…), dirty talk, fingering, degradation (name calling) but also praise, unprotected sex, clothed sex, creampie, cum play, there is a window and also reflections, rough sex, cockwarming, jk being a lil shit because that’s his main personality trait, jk smokes (only mentioned), enemies to fuckbuddies: dawn of the first day 

— words; 8.2k

— author’s note; for the anon that asked how their first time was like ;) join me as we explore the lore of this godforsaken couple 

It was your mother’s idea for you to find a new place to volunteer. According to her, it had been a long time since you experienced “the invigorating energy of community work” — last time was when you were trying to level up your college application — and it could really “soothe your anxious soul” during the trying times of college finals. Apparently one tutoring program and two research projects weren’t enough to distract you, but you could see where she was coming from. 

In the end, you accepted. The old places you used to volunteer in had either shut off their programs or were just too far away from college for you to consider. At first, you decided to follow your mother’s suggestion and tried to work with children — “small miracles”, as she called them — in a local daycare. Which ended up being a terrible idea. 

You liked giving back to the community, you really did, but it wasn’t long until you realized that working with infants hasn’t been your wisest decision, and that children weren’t miracles at all. You got tired of going home covered in paint and with pieces of playdough entangled in your hair, and that was when you weren’t unlucky enough to get hit with other, less clean fluids. 

So you eventually gave up — both on the daycare and on the faint idea of one day going into pediatrics — and searched for a new place. After having to yell your way through retirement homes, and getting fed up with washing people’s sidewalks, you finally settled in a program that was flexible and light enough for your intense college hours: preparing (and then later cleaning up) a room that was reserved in a local church for weekly meetings. 

The entire ordeal took about two to three hours off your day, and more than half of it was spent as free time: waiting for the meeting to end, cramming piles of information in a small room next door. You didn’t really know what the meetings were about since they changed practically every month — they were, at first, a support group for teenage mothers, then it became an AA meeting, then a group for drug users trying to quit. Lately, you were starting to think that the church just gave away the room for whoever had the money to rent it, so it wasn’t a surprise when it was reserved for a motivational speaker to give confidence lessons. 

You had researched the guy, some old dude with an unpronounceable name and a sketchy background, and found exactly the type of person you had expected. Yes, you were in the house of Christ, but you were still being heavily judgmental of the fact that he was giving those talks when he had no qualifications whatsoever, and was probably making bank off all the self-help books he regurgitated at least twice a year to prey on vulnerable people. You did share your worries with the administrative office of the church, but they ultimately fell on deaf ears, and you gave up on the idea of kicking his ass out of the holy grounds anytime soon. 

It was after one of those pseudo-motivational talks that you walked into the empty room, ready to clean everything up before rushing back to your place, where your roommate had promised to greet you with some wonderful takeout. The chairs were still placed in a circle on the center of the room, where they had been since forever, and you made sure to align them perfectly before you moved on to the litter that had been thrown around the place. 

One good thing about those self-help meetings was that they were a lot cleaner than a lot of other attendees, so the “picking up the trash until your back started to hurt” part passed by surprisingly fast. You had just moved on to the snack table, analyzing what you could still save, when your soul almost left your body. 

“Hey, you,” you heard a known voice behind you. “What are you doing in here?”

You swiftly turned around, heart thumping violently against your ribcage. You didn’t know how you hadn’t let out the biggest, most blood-curdling scream ever, but that was just the first of many miracles of the night. “Jesus Christ,” you wheezed out, taking one hand to your chest. “You shouldn’t sneak up on people like this.” You swallowed dry, some part of your brain recalling that he had asked you a question. “And I’m volunteering here.” 

“I didn’t sneak up on you, you’re just jumpy.” Jungkook scoffed, leaning against the doorframe with that stupid playful smirk curling up on his lips. You didn’t know they allowed demons inside the church. “And of course you are.” He rolled his eyes. 

Maybe a few months back, his mocking tone would’ve stung a bit more. However, you had been tutoring Jungkook for about three months then, suffering through endless sessions of his whining and complaining, and you’ve grown used to his passive-aggressive antics already. You learned that Jungkook was a shark seeking for blood, waiting for any crack that would allow him to jump into a perverse little joke — about how you behaved, your priorities, or even the color of your highlighter. You, of course, always stood your ground and threw his comments right back at him — which was his initial plan, as you’ve come to realize. Jungkook enjoyed playfully arguing with you, and you thought that it was another level of strangeness and masochism you simply didn’t have time to dissect. 

Still, Jungkook (shockingly) wasn’t the terrible person you once thought he was. Every once in a while — when he was trying to talk you out of teaching him — the conversations you two would have were actually mostly pleasant, and he wasn’t awful to hang around when he dropped the whole badass persona to act like a real human being. You would even dare to say that Jungkook could be actually funny at times, and not in the bitter, sarcastic way he usually was. Sometimes, you dared to think, he could actually be reasonably nice. And also kind of cute. Even hot. 

But you would never actually admit any of that out loud. Or even to yourself, really. 

“And you?” You asked, turning back around to face the table full of half-eaten food. That looked like a battlefield, and you could already tell that there were only a few survivors left standing. “What are you doing here? Repenting?” 

Jungkook chuckled dryly. “You wish. My parents want me to quit smoking,” he said. You could not see him, but you could hear him walking closer to you as you fumbled with the large Tupperware. “We settled on this crap instead of a forced intervention.” 

You scoffed. Most of the food before you was unsalvageable — some of the cupcakes had been bitten once and then placed back, and you wondered how someone like that could function in society. “You don’t seem very motivated to quit,” you mumbled. 

Jungkook clicked his tongue. “I don’t really care.” 

His voice was much closer to you, and you felt the air leaving your lungs for a pitiful instant. You convinced yourself you had only gotten scared again. “You should care about the growing possibility of lung cancer.” 

He shrugged. “Maybe. But it’s not really on the top of my list of priorities at the moment.” 

“And what is?” You asked. 

“Amongst other things…” he trailed off and, suddenly, he was standing besides you, pointing at the chaotic pile of sweets. “I actually came back to grab another one of those cupcakes. The chocolate ones are great.” 

You didn’t know why, but his comment broke the odd tension that you didn’t even know that was there, clicking you back into your previous mentality — the one that you just wanted to finish cleaning up so you could leave soon. “All yours,” you told him, “grab as many as you want.” 

Jungkook hummed in satisfaction, reaching out to grab one special brown cupcake — an untouched one, thankfully. “I love when you talk dirty.” He almost moaned before shoving the cupcake inside his mouth, taking a huge bite off it. Dramatically, Jungkook rolled his eyes and sighed in delight. “These are fucking great.” 

You chuckled, glancing at his direction. Jungkook was dressed in all black, like he usually was, and you were starting to recognize a newfound admiration towards his constant use of leather jackets. What? He looked good. “I’m glad the self-help sessions are paying off,” you commented, swiftly placing the cupcakes inside the transparent container. 

Jungkook was paying attention to your actions now, like he noticed you were there working for the first time. “What are you doing with the rest?”

“The church will probably donate it, give it to the homeless or something.” You shrugged. “Or they’ll eat it, I don’t know. I just clean up the place and leave.” 

Jungkook laughed at that, taking another monstrous bite from his cupcake and throwing himself on one of the nearby chairs. Your eye twitched a little at the thought that he had ruined your perfect circle, but you’d have to fix that on your way out. “Sounds absurdly boring,” he sang. “And they’re not even paying you.” 

You sighed. “After all the places I’ve volunteered in, boring is a blessing,” you told him. You had just placed five hot dogs in the container, and you were starting to wonder if it would be a good idea to feed people in need with those suspicious sausages. “But, yeah, you probably don’t care about any of that.” 

“You don’t know what I care about,” Jungkook said matter-of-factly. You didn’t know if he was trying to tease you, but his voice came out so soft and monotone that you couldn’t really be mad about it. It was true, after all: you didn’t actually know what he cared about. Sometimes you thought that he could read you better than you could read him. “Want me to stay here with you? This place is probably empty already.”

You could not hold back your laugh at that, turning around so you could look at him. “Are you offering to be my bodyguard? In a church?” 

Jungkook pouted. There was a thin line of chocolate on the side of his lips, which he quickly licked clean. “I’m trying to be nice.”

You giggled, turning back towards the disgusting food. The rest was mostly trash, but you were happy enough with the amount you had managed to find in a good state. “That’s new.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked. “I’m always nice.”

“Always is a strong word.” You smiled, closing the lid of the Tupperware. You had managed to fill three small containers with the leftovers and, honestly, that was a big victory. “But you can stay or you can leave, I don’t mind. I’m almost done anyways.” 

He frowned. “Is that your answer?” 

You turned around. “What? You want me to beg for your company?” You smiled. “You’re mistaken if you think I’d ever do that.”

“I’m staying.” Jungkook crumpled up the piece of cupcake wrapping and threw it in the trash can besides your body. He watched you for a moment as you started to throw the leftovers away, your back turned to him and a distracted look on your face. When he broke the silence again, you were throwing the last piece of bread in the bin. “Why are you volunteering?” 

“Because I like giving back to the community.” 

Jungkook sneered at your words. “Seriously now. Don’t lie, we’re in a church.” 

“I do, actually,” you stood your ground. There was a vague sound of crickets coming from the half-open window and the low buzzing of the fluorescent lights above you, but, other than that, the city was covered in absolute silence. Perhaps that was why you felt so at peace. “But my mom told me it would be a good thing to keep myself relaxed. You know, take my mind off college stuff.” 

He hummed, and you heard him getting up from the chair. “You always do what your mom tells you?” 

You met his gaze. “Didn’t your parents make you come here?”

He smiled. “Not the point.” 

Before you could hold yourself back, your lips were curling up. Again: Jungkook wasn’t absolutely awful to be around when he actually acted like a human being. “When she says something I agree with, yes,” you told him. “My ego isn’t bruised when it comes to following someone’s idea.” 

He raised his eyebrows. “You’re saying that mine is?”

“I didn’t say that.” You smirked and turned back to the table. You started piling up the used plastic cups, already eyeing all the used plates, forks and knives that you’d have to throw away. The daycare had better eating manners than that. “Thought we were talking about me.” 

“We were,” Jungkook agreed. One of his inked hands moved to the table, and you were about to tell him that he could eat more of the cupcakes when you realized that he had started to reach for the discardable plates, throwing them away. You really didn’t think he’d help you. “Finals are coming up, though, and you care about that shit. Shouldn’t you be using this time to study or something?”

“I study while you’re out here listening to becoming your real self or, I don’t know... waking up the giant within,” you said. “I’m fine, don’t worry about it.” 

He hummed, his nose cringing up at the disgusting remains of food that stuck to the plastic forks. Jungkook seriously didn’t know how you could do that for fun. “You know there are better ways to relax than cleaning up a dusty room, right?” 

“Probably,” you agreed. The cups were already in the trash, alongside with the plates, and there were only a few crumpled up napkins to get rid of before you tasted the sweet nectar of freedom. “But here I am. That’s what I chose for myself.” 

“Literally any other option would’ve been better,” Jungkook pressed on. “Isn’t that obnoxious friend of yours in cheer or something?” 

“Who? Jisoo?” You smiled at him. No one had ever called her obnoxious, but you couldn’t say that the title didn’t fit. Jisoo could be really… intense when it came to standing up for what she believed in. “She is. She invited me to join her already, if that’s what you’re gonna ask, but it’s not really my thing.” 

“It’s a shame,” he mumbled, leaning against the table. It was a beautiful miracle how clean that room had become just by getting rid of the piles of gross food, and you had proudly thrown the last piece of paper inside the trash bin when Jungkook spoke up again. “You’d look really hot in that outfit.” 

You stopped in your tracks, taking a second to digest the claim he had so mindlessly thrown your way. Just like all-things-Jungkook, a pleasant conversation could not last long, so you weren’t even surprised that he managed to ruin that talk with such a fuckboy-esque comment. 

Also like all-things-Jungkook, he managed to awaken a reaction out of you that you didn’t even know could be there. With a faint heat in your cheeks and a frown blossoming amongst your features, you actually felt a little bit of... satisfaction with the fact that he thought that you’d look hot in that skimpy outfit. At the same time, you wanted to slap yourself for falling into his charms so easily. 

In that conflicting turmoil of emotions, all you could say was a monotone, “You cannot be serious right now.”

Even if you kind of wanted him to be serious. 

“I’m being dead serious,” Jungkook didn’t back down, much to the elation of your ego. You felt like a schoolgirl being recognized by her crush, and the idea alone made your stomach curl onto itself. What the hell were you even thinking about? Yeah, Jungkook was pretty hot, but he was also kind of a douche and you didn’t want to get involved with that mess of a person. Or at least that was what you were trying to convince yourself of. “I mean…” he continued, “you’re even rocking this knee-level dress right now, can’t even imagine how you’d look if—“ 

“You can shut up now, Jungkook, thanks,” you interrupted him. Because you didn’t know how to act when he was so blatantly flirting with you, you switched back to the same passive-aggressive behavior that you had given him for the past three months. Call it self-preservation, call it panic, but your mind simply didn’t know where to go from there. “And I’m also done here, so you can skidaddle back to whatever swamp you came out of.” 

“Awn, don’t be mean, princess.” He pouted. Jungkook was a master at getting you worked up, and you had just given that to him on a silver platter. Maybe if you had mock-flirted back, he would’ve baked away. You would never know. “I was just fucking with you, you’re too easy to tease.” 

You pressed your lips together, hip touching the corner of the now empty table. “You were pretty much harassing me,” you said playfully. 

“I was not.” Jungkook smirked, shoving his hands inside the pockets of his pants. When had the two of you gotten so close? There was barely any space between your chests. “But it’s okay, I’m not gonna compliment you anymore, don’t worry. You don’t have to be so defensive.” 

“I’m not being defensive,” you said, defensive. 

“What, is it the church setting?” He raised his eyebrows, taking a look around. “Is it making you uncomfortable?” 

“No,” you answered, crossing your arms before your chest. Jungkook followed the movement and his gaze got stuck on the shape of your breasts for a second too long, making a newfound wave of heat rise up to your cheeks. “Not as much as you’re trying to make me uncomfortable right now.” 

He chuckled. “You do look cute when you’re shy,” Jungkook teased, taking a step towards you, and you took another one back, pretending you were just going to lean against the table. You sat on it in a weird diagonal position, with one leg still on the ground and the other dangling over the edge. Jungkook was so close that, when he spoke again, voice just above a whisper, you could feel his breath on your skin. “If you don’t want me here, just ask me to go and I’ll go.” 

You opened your mouth to respond, but no words came out. The atmosphere was filled with electricity, your body drowning in the warmth of his presence, the sharp seriousness in his dark eyes, and you could not bring yourself to say anything. Did you want him to leave? 

No, you realized in a rush of adrenaline, you didn’t want him to leave at all. 

Jungkook raised one of his eyebrows. “Hm? Nothing?” He smirked, placing himself between your legs. Every nerve of your body was screaming for you to touch him, to just wrap his mouth with yours, and you simply could not respond to any of its commands. “You’re full of surprises.” 

You found your voice at that comment, heart hammering against your chest. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You’re a smart girl, you can figure it out.” Jungkook placed one strand of your hair behind your ear, his gaze flickering down to your chest. From where he stood, he could see the beautiful mounds of your breasts peeking under the fabric, licking his lips at the sight. “Can I at least say that I like your dress?” 

Jungkook’s palm slithered up your knee before you could even react, moving towards your inner thigh and raising your dress along with it. His touch was electrifying, and you found yourself craving more of it, a sigh caught on your throat at the tenderness of his hot skin. 

“Something tells me that your compliment isn’t so innocent,” you told him, leaning your head back slightly so you could hold his gaze. “Aren’t you gonna complete that and say that I would look better without it?”

Jungkook chuckled. “The idea is compelling, I’ll admit it,” he said, rubbing soft circles on your skin. His other hand slithered around your waist, pulling you closer to him. “But don’t need to take it off to fuck you.” 

Your eyes grew wide at that, brain short-circuiting. You frankly couldn’t believe that was happening — the fact that Jungkook was so shamelessly trying (and honestly succeeding) to initiate sex with you. In a fucking church too, of all places. “What- what did you say?”

“You heard what I said.” His stare didn’t falter. Jungkook was looking at you like he could eat you whole, and you seriously wouldn’t mind if he tried to. You'd deal with the social and psychological implications of that another time. “Just tell me to stop and I’ll do it, princess. No hard feelings, promise.” 

This time, you spoke out and the firmness and certainty in your voice surprised even yourself. “I don’t want you to stop.” 

“No?” His voice sounded like honey, so deep and melodic even through the thick layers of his sarcasm. You had never heard him get so serious, so focused, and the thought that it was all for you was igniting a fire inside your guts. “You wanna get fucked in a church?” 

You bit your lip, blinking up at him. The point was: you wanted Jungkook, of all people, to fuck you. The fact that it was in a church was just the cherry on top, and you didn’t care about it as much as you should — your mom would be weeping blood if she knew what was going on, but you weren’t planning on telling anything to anybody. “And what if I do?” You asked back teasingly. 

Jungkook smiled, knocking the breath right out of you. You could only hope that you didn’t look as horny as you felt, because your pride was still on the line. “Told you that you were full of surprises.” He pushed one of your legs open, making you lose your support on the floor. Now, both of your feet were dangling off the edge, body trapped between his strong arms and thighs on either side of him. “Are you a virgin, baby?”

You shook your head, and your voice reached you a bit later. “No.”

“Naughty,” Jungkook said, leaning in. He stared at you like a lion stalking its prey, his gaze lingering on your parted lips before, at last, he tilted his head to the side, deciding to move towards your neck instead. “But if you have the taste I think you do, you probably had some lame missionary sex with some goodie-two shoes.” 

When he started kissing your neck, you almost forgot to give him a response. You had to bite your lip to suppress a moan, instead producing a low, shaky sigh. “And if I did? What’s the problem with some lame missionary sex?” 

“No need to get mad, I’m on your side here,” Jungkook said, one of his hands navigating up your waist, between the valley of your breasts, before grabbing your boob. That time, you couldn’t hold back the whimper that escaped you. “Did he make you cum?” 

“Sometimes,” you said, slightly flustered. You didn’t think you’d be discussing your sexual history with Jungkook, but, well, there you were. “He was alright.” 

“Only sometimes?” Jungkook chuckled, the vibrations of his deep timbre vibrating through the sensitive skin of your neck, his thumb grazing your nipple. The heat between your legs only grew, your entire body practically begging to feel more of him. “That’s a shame, I could do better.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t start getting cocky.”

“I never stopped being cocky,” he responded without hesitation. Well, he was right. “And I do have a good track record.” 

“Doubt it,” you said, the ghost of a smile lingering on your lips. You knew that you were playing a dangerous game, pressing right at the weak spots of his inflated ego to see how he would react. Perhaps you’d be luckier trying to poke a bear with a short stick. “You wouldn’t know the difference between a real and fake orgasm even if it hit you in the face.” 

Jungkook leaned back and looked at you for an instant. You knew he had caught onto your challenge straight away. He liked it as much as you did, there was no doubt about that. “Let’s see, shall we?” he asked. There was no denying the devilish aura that was all around him now, suffocating you with its tempting heat. “How long do we have?”

“I’m locking up the room tonight,” you said, watching as his eyes sparked with an emotion you could not decipher. “But I wanna get home before ten. Have homework.” 

You could see him fighting against the natural urge to ridicule you for saying something like that at such an odd time, but, at the end, he managed to avoid it. “More than enough time.” Jungkook placed one hand on the back of your neck, gaze darting hungrily toward your lips. “Come here.”

And then his mouth was on yours, and everything else was white noise. Jungkook kissed you much slower than you had anticipated, taking his sweet time caressing your mouth with his; hands exploring the curves of your body and teasing their way underneath your dress. He sighed heavily against your mouth when you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss, his soft tongue poking out and entering your mouth perfectly. Jungkook was a good kisser, you had to admit it, and he got your knees weak sooner than you’d like. 

His body was hot and firm against yours and you could feel the outline of his abs underneath your fingers as you trailed your hands down his torso; his quick heartbeat drumming on your palms. Jungkook’s breathing got heavier as you hooked your fingers on the hem of his pants and tugged him toward you. Instantly you noticed the outline of his hard cock against your inner thigh. 

Then, something switched. Just as you had reached out to touch his hardness, squeezing it lightly underneath your fingers, Jungkook groaned against your mouth and bit down on your lip. You had barely any time to react before he was pulling away from the kiss, gaze darkening. 

“Such a tease,” he mumbled hoarsely, his breath hitting your mouth in soft waves. His hand was hovering over your heat, his middle finger pressing down on your sensitive nub, making you whimper. “You don’t know what you do to me.” 

Jungkook was much quicker than your thoughts and, within a second, the motion of your panties being pushed aside made you fumble closer to him; your hands holding tightly onto his shoulders when he finally decided to touch you. 

“Fuck,” he groaned next to your ear, making your mind go blank for a split second. The teasing motions of his digits brushing your entrance were enough to make you whimper, hips thrusting forward in a failed attempt to make him move further. “Look at this, you’re soaking my fingers. Wanna get fucked that bad?”

But he didn’t let you respond. The sudden intrusion of two fingers inside your pussy made your back arch, nails digging in the leather of his jacket as Jungkook opened you up. “I—” you tried to speak, but it was hard to think when he started pumping his fingers in and out of you. The sounds of your wetness were a filthy symphony filling the quiet atmosphere. “Jungkook, what—” 

“God, that’s so tight,” he groaned, speaking through clenched teeth. His voice was enough to shut you up at the spot, a frail moan dripping from your lips. “Relax, baby, you’re too tense. Let me take care of you, alright?” 

You nodded, eyes drifting shut as he continued to pump his fingers in and out of you. You hated to admit it, but Jungkook was already winning against your ex by a long shot: the way his digits brushed inside you, gradually moving apart to stretch you, got you searching — begging — for more. You were sure you could cum around his fingers and, when he curled them up and they dragged against your sweet spot, the idea became a lot more palpable. 

“Jungkook, you’re taking too long, I’m gonna cum like this,” you complained, chest rising and falling under the waves of your upcoming orgasm. You could feel it building up in your stomach, ready to snap, and you didn’t want it to happen around his fingers. “I wanna feel you.” 

Jungkook breathed out at your needy request, placing a kiss against your jaw. “I’m just getting you ready for my cock, baby,” he said. A loud moan dripped from you when he unceremoniously added a third finger, your legs trembling on either side of his body. “I don’t know if you can take it.”

You scoffed. “Don’t flatter yourself,” you said, only half aware of the fact that your voice sounded more like a whimper than a serious comment. “I can.” 

He smirked wickedly. You really were pushing his buttons. “We’ll see about that,” Jungkook responded. 

Within a second, right as your orgasm was about to wash over you, he removed his fingers from your pussy. The frustrated moan you let out was quickly swollen by him, his mouth rogue against yours and the sweetness of his tongue intoxicating you — probably those stupid cupcakes, you thought. 

“Turn around for me,” he asked. 

You quickly did as he requested, putting your feet on the ground before turning your back to him, hands leaning on the table. Jungkook placed one hand on the curve of your spine, pushing you down until you had your chest against the surface, ass perked up and pussy in full display for him. There was a gush of cold air against your flesh when he pulled up the fabric of your dress and tossed it over your waist, exposing your lower body for him.

The boy hummed at the sight, one of his legs kicking your feet apart so he could position himself in the middle of your thighs. “You’re pretty all around,” Jungkook commented, one of his palms grazing your asscheek before grabbing it. His motion was harsh, needy; earning a whimper from you. “Knew you would be.” 

Through the dense clouds of your desire, there was still some part of you that managed to make fun of that situation. “You spend your free time thinking about my ass?”

“Won’t answer until I have a lawyer present,” he joked. 

You felt his fingers hooking around the fabric of your panties, pushing it further to the side so you had your cunt fully exposed for him to see. The drumming of your heartbeat almost drowned out the low groan he produced at the sight of your flushed heat. 

“Princess, your pussy is dripping so much…” Jungkook trailed off, one of his fingers tracing a line between your lips. He felt the urge to eat you out, to lick you completely clean and make you cum on his tongue, but he decided that would have to wait for a different time. “Is this all for me?” 

“Yeah, all for you,” you said, weak. There was a thundering exasperation building up inside you, motivated from your denied orgasm and from the way that Jungkook was taking his sweet time. 

“Good girl,” he mumbled and your chest was filled with pride. “Can’t wait to fuck it.” 

“Then don’t wait,” you practically begged. “Just rush.”

He removed his finger from your heat. “Shh… be patient,” Jungkook told you and you swore you could practically hear the smile in his voice. You could hear him shuffling behind you, the sound of his zipper opening echoing around that still room. “I’m gonna give you whatever you want.” 

You whined at the abrupt feeling of his warm cock rubbing between your folds, its tip hitting your clit after every languid thrust. “Fuck,” you cried out, shaky. Jungkook wasn’t lying when he said that he was big, his length was so thick that you were starting to get second thoughts whether you could take it or not. Not that you would ever admit it out loud. “Just put it in, Jungkook.” 

But Jungkook was having way more fun just teasing you. “Pussy’s so wet for me.” He breathed out, his hands tightening around your hips. You felt him throb between your folds, and the sensation got you searching for air. “You’re soaking my cock, baby. You want it that much?”

“Y-Yeah.”  

Jungkook hummed, leaning in so he could place a kiss on your shoulder. “I’m gonna fuck you like you deserve to be fucked, princess,” he promised, his length still rubbing between your folds. He was so hard and heavy that your mind was spinning, your lungs drowning in expectation. “Gonna fuck you so well that you’re never going to forget it. Do you want that?”

“Yes,” your voice was a pathetic moan, and you hated your body for betraying you so easily. “Yes, please.” 

After another pec on your shoulder, Jungkook leaned back. “Be loud for me, alright?” He asked. “Can you do that for me?”

You swallowed hard — what were the chances that someone would hear you? You had no idea. “Yeah, whatever you want, just fuck me.”

“Whatever I want? That’s a dangerous thing to say.” He moved around behind you, making you flinch when you felt his cock align with your dripping entrance. The anticipation was driving you insane. “Might have to see if you’re up for it another time.” 

There was an answer somewhere in your mind — you could swear there was — but it was quickly forgotten the second that Jungkook pushed himself inside you. The drag of his cock was a delicious torture, streching you out and filling you up to the brim until you were shaking under his touch, both of you moaning at the sensation. 

“Oh my god.” You breathed out, hands turning into fists on the table. Your cheek was pressed against the polished wood, hot breath creating small white clouds on the surface. 

Jungkook released a shaky sigh when he felt you clenching around him, your body desperately trying to move closer to him. “Fuck, baby,” he hissed, his hands holding onto your hips for dear life. Gradually, he moved himself away from your pussy just so he could slam back inside, marveling on the way you trembled at the feeling, crying out his name in the prettiest of whimpers. “Your pussy is so fucking tight. Squeezing my cock so well.” 

Took you only an instant to realize that you were absolutely addicted to the feeling of his cock inside you, the heavenly push of his hardness in and out of you as he slowly started to set a pace. “Oh my god, I’m—” a pitiful hiccup interrupted you, turning your voice into a sharp cry. “That’s so good, Jungkook.”

Jungkook chuckled behind you, his thrusts starting to pick up speed. Your eyes closed in endless bliss, every part of your brain focused on the sensation of his fat length stretching you up. “Told you I’d be, not my fault you didn’t believe me,” he said, but you could tell that his confidence had started to wear itself thin — he, too, seemed to be much more focused on the way that your bodies met. “Do you touch yourself, princess?”

You almost didn’t know how to answer him, a deep heat rushing up to your cheeks. “W-What?”

“When you’re alone, baby,” he practically hissed. You were bouncing on the table then, your body jerking up and down as he fully pistoned his cock inside your heat. “Do you play with your little pussy?”

“Y-yes,” you stammered, embarrassed. “S-Sometimes.” 

“Show me how you do it,” he requested in-between huffs, lust dripping from every syllable. Jungkook spoke to you like a siren, effortlessly inducting you to comply with everything he wanted. “Come on. Don’t be shy, I wanna see you play with yourself for me.” 

You didn’t even know if what you were feeling was shyness, but there was a veil of hesitation that covered your actions. As your hands moved downwards, one of them clenching around the fabric of your dress and pulling it up while the other trailed over your mound, you felt strangely vulnerable, exposed. At the same time, you wanted to do what he asked you to, wanted him to wash you over with compliments until your mind was going blank. 

So you closed your eyes and focused on the sensation of two of your fingers coating themselves in your wetness, then their pressure on your clit. You whined at the feeling, pleasure exploding in your veins as you started to rub yourself, tracing small circles on your sensitive spot. There was no way you could ever reach that sensation again, the sweet motions of your fingers combining perfectly with the thrusts of his hard, fat cock inside you. You were doomed. 

“That’s it… just like that, baby,” Jungkook whispered, obsessed with the sensation of your walls fluttering around him. You had gotten so tight that he thought he would see heaven at any second now. “Feels good?” 

“Y-Yeah, so good...” you struggled to get out, “feels amazing, Jungkook.” 

“So perfect for me,” his praise shot straight up to your core, making you mewl under him. God, the way that you were tightening around him was going to drive him insane. “You feel so fucking good, I can’t stop fucking you.” 

Jungkook took one of his hands to your neck, using it to guide your body upwards until you had your back pressed against his chest; his hot lips assaulting your neck. The new position made it so much easier for his cock to drill inside you, reaching even deeper and hitting sweet spots you didn’t even know you had. It wasn’t long before you were moaning out, eyes fluttering shut as the pleasure overtook you. 

“Just take a look at that, baby,” his voice broke you out of your hypnotized state.  “Look at you. Such a good slut, just taking everything I’m giving you, touching yourself for my cock… fuck. Could watch you like this forever.” 

You had to take a moment to understand what he was talking about, and then you saw it: the window. It stood silently across the room from you, half open, and the glass combined with the darkness of the night gave a perfect reflection of the two of you. You could see yourself, the mess you had become, as Jungkook pounded in and out of you and your fingers worked on your clit; the darkness of his hungry gaze as he followed the motions of your body against his. 

Even if you cried out at the sight, your body freezed up a little at the thought of someone walking by and seeing that private spectacle. The possibility itself was minimal — the window gave way to the side of the land, where a big, thick fence separated it from the nearby houses; most of the ground covered by large trees and bushes — but it wasn’t zero. You couldn’t even begin to imagine the humiliation that would come from being seen like that. 

He, of course, noticed your change of demeanor right away, and you could see in the faint reflection that he had smirked at that realization. “What is it? Are you worried someone is going to walk by?” Jungkook almost groaned against your ear. His cock continued to pump ferociously in and out of you, and you couldn’t even understand your own thoughts for a moment. “That someone is gonna see you get fucked like a good slut?” 

“It’s not—” a moan cut your sentence short. Not like you knew where you were heading, anyways. 

“No one is gonna see you like this, know why?” Jungkook was grunting, his fingers tightening around your throat. You cried out at the feeling, your cunt clenching around him in a way that got him fucking you even harder. “Cause this is all for me. Just for me.” 

Then he was pushing you back on the table, your chest crashing against the wooden surface and his hands yanking you by the waist. Jungkook was fucking you so hard that your worries left you as soon as they arrived, your mind a turmoil of desires and broken exclamations that didn’t give space to anything else but him. 

“You look fucking gorgeous like this, stuffed with cock,” he marveled at the sight. There was a known wave of pleasure hovering over you, ready to crash at any given moment, and you stopped rubbing yourself just so you could prolong its arrival. “Wanna see you cum for me, make a mess for me, baby.” 

The words left you in a confusing, broken order, “Jungkook, I can’t… too much… can’t...” 

“Shhh, you can,” he was slowly easing you into your orgasm, his cock drilling in and out of your pussy. Jungkook fucked like a machine, fast and precise, and you didn’t think you’d be able to forget that anytime soon. “You told me you could take it, so now you’re gonna take it. Don’t you wanna be good for me?” 

“I- I want to… I’m so close,” you cried out, pressing your forehead against the table. You didn’t know how it hadn’t broken yet, with the way that Jungkook was fucking you so mercilessly hard. “I’m so, so close.”

“Cream my cock, baby, come on,” he urged you on, his member throbbing inside you at the thought. Your legs were so weak that you knew you’d fall facedown on the floor if he wasn’t supporting your weight with his strong arms. “Be a good girl and cream my cock for me.” 

And that was it. That was all that you needed to push yourself over the edge, submerging you in ecstasy and making you squeeze him so deliciously. “J-Jungkook!” You moaned out his name again and again, unsure of how loud you were being, but also not caring as much as you should. Jungkook realized he loved hearing you call his name more than anything else. “Fuck! Oh my god!”

“That’s it, baby,” he moaned back, his thrusts a sloppy, uncoordinated mess. He was hypnotized by the view of your cunt hugging him, your wetness dripping down your thighs as you rode out the last seconds of your orgasm. “Pussy’s so fucking tight, so fucking perfect— gonna cum too.” 

You gasped out at the sensitivity that was starting to spread, every movement shaky as you tried to push yourself against him. “Yes, please.” You looked over your shoulder, meeting his hooded gaze. Jungkook looked like a god, his dark hair sweaty and messy and his lip trapped between his teeth. That image would plague you forever. “Cum inside me, please.” 

He groaned loudly, eyes closing for a second. “Fuck, that’s so fucking hot,” he hissed, chest heaving with anticipation. You knew he was close, everything pointed to that, and all that you wanted was to see him reach his high, using your body like it was just a doll for him to fuck. “Didn’t know you’d want to be filled up with cum, princess.” 

“I’m full of surprises.” You smiled — a pretty, fucked-out smile that got Jungkook grunting like a madman. “I want your cum inside me, Jungkook, please.” 

“Gonna fuck you full of my cum, don’t worry— Shit.” The sounds he was making were heavily: those breathy, high-pitched moans that echoed all around you; broken by deep grunts that had your thighs shaking. Jungkook fucked himself in you like he was meant for it, throwing his head back and closing his eyes as he finally found his orgasm. “Fuck! That’s it, fuck—”

Jungkook called out your name and mixed it with praises and curses when he came, spilling himself inside your pussy. You sighed at the feeling, taking in the blissful sensation of having his hot cum spilling out of you, dripping down your legs as he continued to thrust inside you, milking out his orgasm. 

At last, he started to wince from sensitivity. His body collided against your back, his heavy breathing fanning your neck as he tried to collect himself. “Fuck, baby,” he mumbled, “you’re amazing.” 

“You’re not so terrible yourself.” You could not help the smile that appeared on your lips, nor the way that you melted against the surface of the table, drowning in his heat. 

Still, you couldn’t stay there for much longer: it was already a miracle that no one heard the chaos going on in that room, and you weren’t trying to push your luck for the night. Especially since you had a pile of homework (and possibly — now cold — takeout) waiting for you at home. 

You raised your body, leaning against your elbows. “I have to leave,” you told him, taking one of your hands to lay on top of his tattooed one, trying to ease his grip from your waist. “Now if you could just…” 

“Shhh, shhh,” Jungkook hushed, unrelenting. He was much stronger than you, and your muscles were too weak for you to try and do much, so you eventually gave up. “Stop moving. Let me feel you around me for just a bit more.” 

You frowned. “Why?”

“I like it,” he said simply. His breath was a faint caress against the skin of your neck, and you didn’t have much fight left in you. “We all have our tastes.” 

You rolled your eyes. “You’re so weird.”

“Don’t kinkshame.” Jungkook pouted, then pressed a kiss against your shoulder. “You just begged me to fuck you in a church, remember?” 

“Yeah, I guess I don’t have much place to judge.” You laughed dryly, then looked over your shoulder. “Why is your cock still hard? How long is this gonna take?” 

Jungkook groaned, clearly annoyed. “Shut up and enjoy the moment.” 

~ 

The so-called moment lasted about two more minutes (which was kind of impressive, you thought) before Jungkook softened and slipped out of you. You hated to admit but you kind of liked the feeling of having him still inside you, completing you as his lips danced around your neck; fingers tenderly playing with your hair. You never thought Jungkook would be so gentle after fucking you like that, but you guessed that you weren’t the only one that was full of surprises. 

Jungkook, apparently, also liked to admire his work. After he had slipped out of you, he made you sit back on the table just so he could stare at his own cum dripping out of you, a glimmer of satisfaction in his dark gaze. He had pushed his white release back inside you and smirked up at you, asking, ever so kindly, for you to go home like that, filled with his cum. 

You, of course, promptly accepted it. 

“By the way,” he called when you two had already stepped out of the church, enveloped by the coldness of the night. There was only one solitary light pole illuminating his features, making him look like one of the saints in the chapel — nothing but fake advertisement, in your opinion. “Wanna know how much I got in that immunology test?”

“How much?” You asked. 

“Eighty two.” Jungkook smiled brightly then, and you found yourself joining him. “Never saw a grade so high in my life. And that counts all the times I’ve cheated too.” 

“Seems like the tutoring sessions are paying off.” You crossed your arms before your chest, the hem of your dress swirling around your knees. The night was weirdly peaceful after everything that had taken place. 

“They are.” He nodded. “I’m looking forward to the next one. Helps that my tutor is kind of a hottie too.”

You scoffed. “So I’ve heard.”  

“And, by the way?” 

“Yeah?”

“You would look better without it.” He pointed at your dress, a sly smile already sprouting on his lips. “Hope to see it next time.”

“Good night, Jungkook.” You rolled your eyes, already turning around — yeah, like there would ever be a next time. 

~ 

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TAGLIST: 

@taehyungieskith​ @fan-ati--c​ @btstrasht​ @crazy4myself​ @sashimi-mochi @ft-multi @kooafraid @dianaaviny @ggukkieland @cryinginmypromdress @kissestothesky

[ljxlj48]

My Duty As Princess

Chapter 01

Lee Jeno x fem reader

preview, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10, epilogue

Genre: arranged marriage au! royalty au!

Warnings: violence, explicit language, suggestive content

Word Count: 8.8K

Author's Note: I am so sorry, Idk what possessed me to think that this was Saturday and not Sunday. BUT ITS BACK. MDAP is back, this is the revised version in collab with @urlocaltrash28 and far warning this is the longest chapter in the entire series, it's really just because this chapter is the set up for the story. I am so sorry again that this is a day late, I really thought it was saturday and not sunday. anyway, hugs and kisses to anyone reading <3333

-----------------

The trip from the north airstrip to the Northcy palace was a ten-hour flight and another hour-long car ride. The Princess arrived at Northcy’s Norhall Palace after a total of twelve hours’ worth of travel in the middle of the night. The only people there to greet her were the queen herself, and four maids.

“My dear, you must be exhausted, please hurry inside,” the queen said. She was a stunning and slim woman. She wore a rich navy blue jumpsuit, with a white long-sleeved coat that hemmed at her ankles. At the top of her head, there was a stunning silver crown, a sign of her being the queen. Although anyone could tell she was the queen by the way she carried herself. She held her head high and stood upright with proper posture. The queen and the four maids led you to your chambers. “You may wash up and when you’re done, Princess. One of the handmaids will inform me, that way I can personally see to it, that you have a meal before you rest,” the queen told you.

“Thank you, Your Majesty,” you said as you bowed to the queen. Your two maids helped you undress and bathe as four of the queen’s maids made you some tea and prepared your clothing for the evening. The two guards stood outside the chamber doors because technically, you were still in enemy territory until the marriage.

After your bath, the queen herself escorted you to a private dining hall. The queen was about to have your maids be escorted elsewhere to eat, but you insisted they eat with you. The two maids, being Fei and Mei, were sisters from a family that has served your kingdom for generations. They have always taken care of you from the mere age of nine, when your parents decided it was time to have help. Although it was evident the queen didn’t agree, she allowed the maids to sit and dine with you. You assumed that the queen went to bed right after settling you in with the food.

“Breakfast shall be set in the garden courtyard. There you’ll meet the prince and the king,” the queen informed you.

-

As the queen made her way to her own chambers, she saw her son. He was pacing in front of her doors. “My boy, it’s very late, you should be fast asleep,” the queen said.

“Mother,” Jeno called out then turned to her maids, “please leave us.”

The queen nodded her head, permitting the maids to leave her side. “What is it, my dear?” The queen asked as Jeno walked with her into her room. Jeno gathered the tea set and poured his mother a cup as she sat down.

“Do you truly expect me to marry that girl, mother?” Jeno asked. “An alliance could be negotiated without marriage. That girl offers nothing of value to our kingdom or family. There are plenty of women within this council that would make a much better bride.” Jeno sighed; he barely wanted to be married, least of all married to a princess he didn’t know at all. “Mother, you can’t seriously think marrying princess (Y/N) is any good for anyone.”

Hearing her son complain about a girl he’s never met gave the queen a headache. The queen once met Princess (Y/N) long ago, during a summit meeting to discuss the end of the war. The little girl at the time was maybe only nine or ten years old, but she was far wiser than any other children the queen had ever met. Princess (Y/N) is only three years younger than her son and when the queen met the little girl on a visit to the Modia kingdom, she knew that princess (Y/N) would be a fine monarch.

“I do expect you to marry her, and I do think she be great, not only for our family but for Northcy as well,” the queen told her son. “So I expect you to be up early and be eager to meet the princess tomorrow morning”

“Mother, you’re kidding, right? You want me to wine and dine Princess (Y/n), the stubborn, unwavering princess that never once cared about her title?” Jeno asked the queen with a look of disbelief on his face.

“I am not kidding, Crown Prince Lee Jeno, and I expect you to be at breakfast prepared to meet your future bride. I expect there to be no complaints from you at all tomorrow morning,” the queen said standing up to dismiss her son out of the room. “Do I make myself clear?”

Jeno knew that whenever his mother addressed him by his proper title he was in trouble. “Yes mother, you have made yourself clear,” Jeno answered grudgingly, knowing he had lost this argument.

“Very well, good night my son.”

-

The sun rose bright and early the next morning. The princess made her way to the courtyard for breakfast with her maids and guards. Fei and Mei always trailed the princess, never standing in her way, while her two guards always led the princess, never allowing anything to touch her without permission. The two guards that the princess brought refused to leave her side. Even though there was an alliance between all the kingdoms, people could still have grudges against the princess.

“People will gossip if you two don’t leave me be,” the princess told her guards.

“My princess, we will be executed if anything were to happen to you, following you wherever you go is the best way to ensure that doesn’t happen,” stated the princess’ personal guard, Bang Chan. He joined the army at the fresh age of 18, became the princess’ personal guard at 20, fell in love with the princess at 22, and he is now 24. Fei, Mei, Chan, the other guard, Hyunjin, and the princess were all friends; they have basically spent the past three years together. The princess was only ever alone for a few minutes, when she lay in bed, in the middle of the night, before sleep consumed her.

“Princess (Y/n),” the queen called out, getting up from her seat at the breakfast as she saw the princess approach the pavilion. “Come, dear. Take a seat. You can dismiss your guards and handmaids.”

“Very well, Your Majesty,” the princess said as she dismissed the handmaids and guards, taking her seat. She gave them a look telling them to not make a scene. The princess and the queen began to chat amongst themselves. They were not allowed to start eating until the rest of the party arrived.

“My dear, maybe tomorrow you can come by my room and try on your wedding dress,” the queen told the princess.

“Wedding dress?” The princess asked, nearly choking on air “I mean no disrespect, Your Majesty, but don’t think you it’s too soon? I haven’t even met the prince.”

“Never too soon, and it doesn’t matter because you’ll meet my son right now,” And that’s when reality set in for the princess, she was in enemy territory, meeting her fiance. Prince Jeno and the King made their way to the pavilion to sit and dine for breakfast.

The rest of breakfast went by in a blur for the princess didn’t speak unless questions were directed towards her; not many questions were. The king was kind but not very welcoming, just because the war was over didn’t mean all the problems were solved in the country. He still had many issues to tackle, especially with a wedding approaching and the two kingdoms alliance still fresh. Jeno remained quiet for the majority of breakfast because he didn’t want to anger his mother. That would only enrage his father and no one wanted to see an angry king. The queen tried her very best to get everyone to speak, but it didn’t work out as well as she had hoped.

The king had already left the table and just as Jeno was getting ready to leave, his mother called out. “Jeno, why don’t you take the princess and show her around Norhall, it’s her first day here,” Jeno was getting ready to argue with his mother until he saw the stern look in her eye.

“Yes mother,” Jeno answered. He looked almost pained to say yes.

-

You and Jeno walked around the palace in awkward silence as he pointed things out to you here and there. Jeno wore a simple pair of black dress pants and a light blue button-up dress shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His black hair was tousled, almost looking like he just rolled out of bed. The two of you entered a room that you could assume to be the palace library. It was something that was straight out of movies; the walls were lined with books from ceiling to floor.

“You don’t talk much, do you?” Jeno asked as you ran your hands across a shelf of books. Some of the books looked to be written in a language of Modia that was long forgotten.

“I was raised to only speak when spoken to, my father was keen to traditions,” you stated. Reading wasn’t something you found yourself doing often, but a desire to stay here and bury yourself into an enriching tale was there.

“Traditions? Something like women are only meant to be child-bearers?” Jeno asked with a quaint smirk. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone, in any kingdom, that the Modia royals were traditional. Many things were considered unladylike, therefore disallowing your participation.

“Yes and no,” the princess started. “Growing up, men and women were equal to each other, but they had different goals to accomplish. A woman was to bear a child, to continue a king’s rule, a man was to provide a just and safe kingdom for his children.”

The rest of the tour was met with silence; Jeno continued to point out things to you and when the two arrived at your chambers, Jeno bid you a farewell until the evening meal, almost looking to be relieved to be done.

The princess’ comment on how she was raised stuck in Jeno’s mind. Was that all a king was meant to do, make a just and safe kingdom? Was that all the princess expected from him? No fairytale romance? No faithful, supporting husband kind of stuff? If ensuring the kingdom’s safety and the justice system was all she expected, Jeno could fulfill those expectations before an earth’s orbit.

-

The days bled into each other and winter was approaching fast; it had already been a month into the princess’ stay in the Northcy kingdom. Being this far north from the equator, the days started to get chillier. By the time winter came, the kingdom would have already seen snow.

Being from Modia, a tropical climate, the princess was excited for winter to approach because she had never seen snow before. However, the princess was not prepared for the chill of the approaching winter. When the winter comes and the snow falls, the princess will be constantly shivering due to the cold.

Ever since the first day of the princess’ arrival to the Northcy kingdom, her daily duties have been filled as well as Jeno’s. Jeno was already a member of the council as Crown Prince, for he needed to be fully aware of the duties as a king before ascending the throne. The princess was busy familiarizing herself with the kingdom and its departments as this would be her new home. Not to mention the wedding was to take place exactly two months from now, just before the new year.

There was much to do, and there wasn’t nearly enough time to complete all of the tasks. You spent most of your time with the queen, learning about the council members and their families. You already held a vast knowledge of the council of the Modia kingdom. Back home there were ten high houses while only three of the houses held any power, and the other seven were just for show. However, Jeno’s future council held 18 different noble families, a royal advisor, two extra seats for “special members,” and the general held two votes. As to why Jeno’s future council held two special seats or why the general had two votes was beyond you. The vocabulary was so different. For example, what Modia calls high houses were referred to as noble families in Northcy. The number of papers to review to remember all of the council was never-ending. Apparently, it was the queen’s duty to be informed of all noble members and their families. The queen’s duty was also to oversee the budgets spent on entertaining said families.

You and Jeno rarely saw each other, except for the evening meals together with the king and queen.

“Jeno, why don’t you introduce (Y/n) to your brothers tomorrow?” The queen asked her son during one dinner. When Jeno heard the question he nearly choked on his drink. The queen was kind and loving, but she always made it abundantly clear that Jeno was her one and only child.

“Very well, mother,” Jeno answered. This utterly confused you because Jeno was the only known heir to the throne. In the whole month preparing for life in Northcy, there wasn’t a single indication of Jeno having any brothers- not even in your years of schooling did you learn about the children of the Northcy king. All the books and classes said King Lee Donghae of the royal Lee family and Queen Lee Jaeyeon of the Noble Na family had one child, Crown Prince Lee Jeno of the royal Lee family. Such long titles did the royals have.

-

After dinner, Jeno took the opportunity to escort you back to your chambers. He couldn’t help how curious he was about you. Jeno constantly found himself watching you as you made your way through the palace, trying to catch a glimpse into the drawing rooms you studied in, or just watching the way your hands handled the cutlery at dinner.

“I wasn’t aware you had siblings?” You had asked Jeno during the walk to your chambers. The curiosity of it all forms the words for you.

“All half-siblings, I’m my mother’s only child but I’m the third son of my father,” Jeno answered. He didn’t even think of his only full sibling: his sister, Jia. Part of his unconsciousness pushed the memories as far down in his memory as possible.

“Third son? Your father had other women? Your brothers weren’t angry that the throne was given to you instead of them?” The questions seemingly come to mind one after another, not having enough strength to stop them. “I’m sorry,” you said, realizing you might be pushing onto an unsettling topic, “it’s not my place.”

“It’s alright,” Jeno said, smirking to himself. “The first three years on the throne my mother couldn’t produce an heir. The council insisted an heir be produced, by any means. My oldest brother, son of a nobleman’s daughter, an approved out of wedlock union, was crown prince for several years. He said he hated every moment of it. It’s a shame because he would have made a great leader, but he believes it’s not for him. Then my second brother, son of one of my father’s courtesans was never crown prince and he knew he would never be a Crown Prince but he never minded, he actually promised to stand by my side when I took the throne. And my younger, son of a lucky maid, we’re just a few months apart, however, has admitted he wouldn’t make a great ruler, but he promised to take over if something were to happen to me,” Jeno chuckled finishing his statement.

“Lucky maid?”

“My father is a just and fair man, he is a good father and a better king.” Jeno paused before continuing, wondering just how much to tell you, would it matter? “However, he is a terrible husband. If Modia had a beautiful queen doing its negotiation, who knows if Northcy would’ve put up a fight,” Jeno stated as fact. Like the world knew that the king would spend a night without his wife every now and then. Then again, father did always say ‘palace walls hear more than any other wall. “I say the maid was lucky because there was no evidence to suggest that my father saw her. However, when she laid her accusations at his feet, he accepted the child and paid the maid to say nothing,” Jeno finished off with a small shake of his head.

As the princess thought about this, she found that Jeno seemed to regret being born and taking the throne from his oldest brother. The princess would later learn, from Fei and Mei, through other gossiping maids, that Jeno never wanted the throne. He even tried to surrender it because he just wanted to live a carefree life without a nation depending on him. Oh, how you wished to do the same.

-

The next morning Jeno waited outside the princess’ chambers to walk with her to breakfast with his brothers. In front of her chambers stood her two guards. Jeno looked at the two men standing in front and he wondered how long they had known the princess. Jeno had two personal guards of his own; each of the princes had two personal guards, but they never followed Jeno around in the palace. The only time Jeno sees his guards is whenever he leaves the palace. He thought it was odd how your guards followed you almost everywhere, even within the palace.

A moment passed and you walked out ready for breakfast. You greeted the prince and he greeted you. As you walked, your two guards began to follow as they were trained to do. “You know you can dismiss them, I can handle escorting you to breakfast,” Jeno told you. You looked behind and noticed the two guards there.

“Chan, Hyunjin, you don’t have to follow us, I’ll be alright,” you told the dear boys.

It took everything in Chan not to be mad at how you so easily believed that Jeno could protect you. “With all due respect my princess, it is our duty to ensure your safety at all times, the best way to achieve that is to follow you all the time.” You smiled to yourself as Chan finished his statement. You knew he wasn’t gonna allow you to be alone with Jeno and his brothers.

“Very well” was all you said and continued to walk. The rest of the walk to the dining hall was silent. Jeno didn’t like the idea that the guards didn’t leave after you told them they could but he understood it was only their job, having to remind himself that the alliance was not technically complete yet.

When arriving at the dining hall, Jeno placed a hand on the small of your back, walking with you towards the table. Chan and Hyunjin remained at the door of the dining hall, far enough to watch, but could barely hear anything. When arriving at the table, Jeno introduced each of his brothers. The oldest is a tall, lean, and handsome young man. He had a sharp jawline with piercing eyes but a childlike smile. His name was Taeyong. The second brother had pitch-black hair, with round eyes and small lips. He was closer to Jeno’s age than the older brother. His name was Mark. The last brother was more tan than the first two and he had a much rounder face with puffy cheeks. His name was Donghyuck. However, they called him Haechan because of his bright personality that reflected the sun.

“Be happy that you have such a pretty bride, Jeno,” Taeyong told his younger brother. You sat beside Jeno, on one side of the table, across from you sat Haechan, and next to him sat Mark. At the front of the table sat Taeyong with the right side having Jeno and the left having Mark. Even though Jeno was the crown prince, he showed his older brothers the utmost respect. He never flaunted his title to any of them and he adhered to all their advice.

“(Y/n), my brother is a good man but he has an atrocious temper. I ask you to be patient with him. He means well but he doesn’t always know how to express it,” Taeyong addresses you. You’re able to tell despite his young age, Taeyong is a man that is wise beyond his years. Jeno doesn’t try to fight back his comment, he simply nods his head. Jeno was different here. You often ate with Jeno, almost every evening, but here Jeno seemed relaxed as if he was a simple 21-year-old and not a future king.

The rest of breakfast goes on with funny stories of Jeno’s youth and constant laughter. This would have to be the first time you saw Jeno ever laugh since your arrival. He had a beautiful smile that reached all the way up to his eyes. The way he acted around his brothers was an all too pleasing difference. He was calm, inviting even, it was like night and day with how different he was.

“We should go horseback riding, they say the first snow is gonna fall today!” Exclaimed Haechan. Northcy looked forward to the first snow. It was both a privilege and a tradition to ride horseback during the first snow. Both you and Jeno didn’t have any duties for the day, which was rare. The queen made sure that your usual duties were postponed. She had hoped that this day would allow you and Jeno to bond in a way. “Please, Taeyong. Come with us, you never hang out with us anymore since you took that position by father,” Haechan whined. You had learned that after Taeyong stepped down from crown prince when Jeno was born he went into the army and within the past year, he took the position of general in the army. He was actually one of the main reasons that Northcy continued to win battles against the Modia Kingdom. He was the general that was allowed two votes at the council, he is the general and a prince.

“Just for the morning, I have duties this afternoon,” Taeyong said, not wanting to disappoint his brothers. They all cheered, including Jeno. As the brothers got up to head towards the stables, you were about to bid them a farewell. Horseback riding wasn’t something you were permitted to do. Your father’s comment about it was: ‘there is no need for you to learn, focus on remembering council members instead.’

“You’re not leaving us, are you, (Y/n)?” Haechan asked, disappointment laced in his voice.

“I don’t know how to ride, I am sorry,” you stated matter of factly.

“Oh, who cares? You can ride with me, you won’t have to learn right now,” Haechan said as he grabbed your wrist and started to pull you towards the stables. The shock was evident on your face. Mark and your two guards were running after the two of you. Jeno was about to race after you until Taeyong grabbed his shoulder.

“He doesn’t mean anything by it, Jeno,” Taeyong said. Even if it was only a split second, Taeyong could see the rage and jealousy spill over his brother from how Haechan grabbed onto you. “You don’t want to scare the poor girl.”

“Tae, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jeno said, “I don’t have any feelings for her.” Which wasn’t entirely wrong, Jeno held no feelings for you, at least not the feelings you should have for the person you’re gonna marry. However, Jeno didn’t like that Haechan just dragged you away. He saw it as impolite and believed that the princess deserves to be treated with respect.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Taeyong said as he watched the gears turn in Jeno’s head.

-

You and Haechan were the first to arrive at the stables. Mark followed soon after and after Mark was Chan and Hyunjin. All three boys were panting, not realizing how far the dining hall was from the stables. After a while, Jeno and Taeyong arrived side by side.

“You tire yourselves out already?” Taeyong jokes to his two brothers. “Guards, I’m sorry you had to run all the way here, but you can leave the princess be already, she will be alright”

“I do no-“ Chan was about to speak until you interrupted.

“It’s fine Chan, you and Hyunjin go get some food or walk around the palace. I’ll be alright,” you said, giving Chan pleading eyes not to make a scene. You didn’t want to ruin such a happy moment for Jeno and his brothers. Chan understood, and he and Hyunjin left to ensure everything.

The stablemates prepared the horses for the princes. Taeyong had a serene white horse. It looked strong and sturdy as most horses do, but you could tell this horse belonged to Taeyong as when the horse saw Taeyong its face was immediately bright. Mark had a beautiful black horse, hair dark as midnight. Haechan had a brown horse, whose coat was shiny in the morning sun. Jeno’s horse was white as well but the horse seemed more like Jeno. Taeyong’s horse was white but it had a serene and elegant energy, while Jeno’s horse had a cold and chilling energy. Each of the boys began getting on top of their horses. Haechan was about to give you a hand to help you up onto his horse when Jeno came up from behind and stood between you and Haechan. “The princess will ride with me,” Jeno told his younger brother.

“Awh why? She doesn’t want to ride with you anyway,” Haechan said, not meaning to make his brother mad, but just to tease him. However, when Haechan saw the look his brother gave him he knew he made him upset.

Jeno offered you a hand and because you actually wanted to go horseback riding you accepted. Jeno places you in front of him with one leg on each side, back pressed into his chest. Then you guys were off. You expected it to be a slow ride, but that wasn’t the case at all. You quickly learned that Jeno and his brothers enjoyed racing. Jeno kept one hand on your waist, holding you against his chest to ensure you didn’t fall; you kept both hands on the saddle for the same reason. You never realized how tall a horse was until you were on top of one and looking down towards the ground.

The wind was blowing in your face, it felt freeing. The experience was new and exciting to you; this was something you would like to do again. Jeno wasn’t paying much attention to you, he was still just a young adult and the need to beat his brothers took his attention. In the middle of the race, snow began to fall, it was light, almost dream-like. Haechan was right, today was the first snow. You looked up in amazement, this was the first time you had ever seen snow in your entire life, the snow didn’t last though, melting before it even hit the ground. Soon the race was over, Taeyong trailed behind during most of the race until it was almost one and then he pulled ahead winning. After that came you and Jeno, then Haechan and lastly Mark. By the time you made it to the clearing, you were shivering from the cold already. Jeno noticed your shivering body, pulled you closer, and wrapped his arms around you to keep you warm. You leaned further back into Jeno’s touch, trying to embrace as much warmth that radiated off him. Jeno placed his chin on top of your head and smiled to himself. At that moment you guys did look like you were engaged.

Taeyong took notice of how his younger brother treated you and smiled to himself. Jeno was just a young boy who was expected to do great things. Taeyong was treated the same when he was born, but Taeyong was the lucky one. When Jeno was born, all the responsibility left Taeyong and was dropped onto Jeno. To most people Jeno would appear to be the luckiest Prince, however, Taeyong knew Jeno didn’t feel like it. Jeno was never allowed to have a normal childhood. During childhood, Mark and Haechan ran around the palace freely while Jeno took etiquette classes for council meetings. In middle school, Haechan and Mark began taking up sports, while Jeno had to take up hand-to-hand combat training. In high school, Mark and Haechan were allowed to actually go to a school, but Jeno had private tutors and began attending council meetings. Jeno took on all these responsibilities, never throwing a tantrum, never taking it out on his brothers. In the eyes of the people of Northcy, Jeno was a picture-perfect prince. Jeno is the picture-perfect prince.

-

You and the rest of the boys rode back towards the stables. You held onto the arm that was draped across your chest like a seatbelt. You felt as if you were in a dream. As you arrived towards the stable you saw Chan and Hyunjin. The look Chan held was chilling, causing you to shiver again. You let go of Jeno’s arm and wrapped your arms around yourself, practically forcing Jeno’s arm off of you. You dropped your head in an attempt to avoid Chan’s intimidating glare. You felt nothing for Jeno, except responsibility. Jeno was simply a way to save your people, he was your responsibility, your duty, and nothing more.

“Princess, are you alright?” Jeno questioned when you forced his arm away, he could still feel you shivering.

“I’m fine, just tired,” you said breathlessly wanting to go back to your chambers. You bid a farewell to each of the princes and excused yourself. Jeno stood there, utterly confused, thinking that the ride went well. Jeno saw you walk off with your guards and it looked as if one of the guards were speaking to you.

-

“Are you in love with him?!” Chan yelled in your face in the privacy of your bedroom.

“Why would I be in love with that prince?!” You screamed back.

“You seemed all in love today holding onto him like?!” Chan kept yelling. A single tear slid down your face. Chan’s face was immediately filled with regret. He shouldn’t be questioning you like this; he knew you didn’t want to marry Jeno. Chan pulled you close and you sobbed into his chest. He held you close for what seemed like hours. You loved Chan with all of your heart, you wanted to run away and live a happy and simple life with Chan. However, each night that you thought of that dream, the cries of your people pulled you back to reality. You had a duty to fulfill, no matter the feelings your heart held.

“Are you alright, my princess?” Chan asked as you pulled away.

“Please never yell at me again, I don’t know if I could handle you being upset with me like that again,” you said breathing heavily. Your heart hurts knowing you can’t be with the man you loved.

“Of course, my princess,” Chan said, wiping the tears from your cheeks. Chan felt terrible. He allowed his emotions to get the best of him. He needed to remember his place, and it was not right for him to be like this with you. “(Y/n), I’m sorry, I had no right to yell or question you like that,” your face in his hand.

“I don’t,” you paused trying to calm down, “I don’t love him, I love you.”

“I know,” Chan said with loving eyes, “but you can not continue to love me, my princess.” A sad smile painted itself on his face. Tears came welling to your eyes, you closed your eyes allowing the tears to fall and nodding. What Chan said was the sad truth.

-

After making sure you were feeling better, Chan left your side to go stand guard outside your doors. As Chan exited your room, Prince Jeno approached. The two made eye contact and Chan quickly looked down, not wanting to see the man that would take the love of his life.

“Has the princess gone off?” Jeno asked the other guard, Hyunjin.

“She still there?” Hyunjin asked Chan.

“Yeah, she’s about to have a cup of tea,” Chan said as he returned to his position. Prince Jeno made his way into your room, not stopping to knock.

“You seriously need to be careful,” Hyunjin whispered to Chan.

“Careful? Of what?” Chan attempted to act oblivious.

“Chan, she is the future queen of our nation. She is going to marry Prince Jeno whether you like it or not. It’s her duty, and you know how (Y/n) is, she isn’t gonna run away from what needs to be done. I know you love her and I know she loves you but you gotta let her go,” Hyunjin said with sad eyes. He knew how much his friend cared for you, it was truly a pity you two couldn’t be together.

-

Jeno wanted to chase after you after the horseback ride, but that wasn’t possible.

“Crown Prince Lee Jeno, General Lee Taeyong, Prince Lee Mark, and Prince Lee Donghyuck, your presence is requested by the king,” a palace servant called for the boys.

“Father wanted to see all of us, this must not be good,” Mark said as panic started to flood his face.

“Oh, please! We haven’t done anything wrong,” Haechan said.

“Really? You’ve caused no trouble in the past day or two?” Jeno asked his brother. Haechan always enjoyed a good prank.

“I promise, my future king, I have caused no such trouble within the palace walls,” Haechan said with an exaggerated bow to Jeno. Jeno hates being addressed like that, especially by his brothers. Haechan loved to do it because he knew it made Jeno mad. Naturally, Jeno started chasing him around to give him ‘what he deserved.’

“Hey, quit fighting already, do you want to keep the actual king waiting?” Taeyong asked his two brothers who were currently on the ground wrestling.

“No,” both boys said with their heads hung low. They all made their way to see the king.

Upon arrival, the four boys were greeted by their father and Jeno’s mother. “Your majesties,” Taeyong greeted and bowed along with the three other boys who remained silent. They were in the king’s private drawing-room. It was plain, simple, much more like a lounging area for the king to entertain during private meetings. There was a secret door behind the shelves of books that led to the king’s office. No one was allowed in the king’s office. Not once did Jeno, or his brothers, or his mother ever step foot inside the office. Only the king, and one servant, Jung, the king’s personal butler, were permitted.

“You’ve requested our presence, father?” Taeyong asked, standing straight and looking directly at his father.

“Yes, I want to make an announcement to all of you: after Princess (Y/n) and Jeno’s union, I am thinking of stepping down as king,” The king said with a bright smile upon his face.

“What, father?!” Jeno shouted in pure shock.

“Yes, I will step down from the throne after you are married and you will be crowned king, but before all that, my two sons, Mark and Donghyuck, I want to make you each member of the council,” the king said with a satisfied expression.

“Father stepping down? No king in the history of our entire kingdom has ever stepped down before, is that even possible?” Jeno asked incredulously.

“If it’s not possible, I will make it possible. You, my son, have served on the council for almost five years now, since you were 16. You are ready for the throne and your brothers will help guide the way for you. Taeyong is already a member of the council. Mark and Donghyuck are sure to catch on soon enough. Northcy is entering a time of peace; there’s no need to worry about ascending the throne too early,” the king said with a satisfied grin. Haechan and Mark were given off to two council members; they were expected to start learning their duties immediately. Only Jeno and Taeyong were left.

“Father, you can’t be serious,” Jeno groaned in frustration. “Even if you consider Northcy to be entering a time of peace, there is no telling how our people will react to this union,” Jeno stated, his voice clear and concise. Although his point was to defer his father from stepping down, all it did was further prove that the king could step down. Jeno was thinking about what was best for his people, and he held the confidence of a king.

“Jeno, my boy, I am stepping down, not dying. I will help you at every step of the way. The transition between me stepping down and you being crowned king will be lengthy.” The king looked at his son. “There is no need for you to worry so much.”

“Father, no, you cannot just step down because I am forced into a marriage. That clearly is not wanted nor needed,” Jeno stuck firm to his stances on the issues, the venom being weaved into his voice.

“My boy,” the king stood from his seat, placing both hands on Jeno’s shoulders, “you need not worry so much, all will be well. It’s best you boys head off. I’m sure you have much work that needs to be done, Taeyong?” The king asked to change the subject.

“Yes, father, the plans to bring home soldiers and redistribute soldiers in all parts of Northcy is an effect. I’ll see to it personally that everything goes well,” Taeyong states, pulling Jeno along to leave the king and queen in the drawing-room.

“Taeyong, I don’t want this, I don’t want to be king, I don’t wanna get married, why is father making me do this? Can’t you become king and ascend the throne?” Jeno asked his older brother as he exited the room. Anyone could see in Jeno’s face how much the idea of being king worried him.

“Jeno, you will make a fine king, don’t worry so much. Also, the princess is a beautiful girl. What’s the problem with marrying her?”

“The problem isn’t her, the problem is marriage, I don’t want it, not right now at least,” Jeno sighed, “and I want to get married to someone I know, someone I love, not some girl that father and mother presented to me.” Taeyong knew what he meant. If he could lift the burdens from his brother’s shoulders, he would, but this was Jeno’s duty as the only male heir of the true king and queen. Sadly, after Jeno’s statement, Taeyong was called away by a maid, leaving Jeno to his thoughts.

As Jeno walked away from the drawing-room, he found himself wandering towards your chambers. As he got near, he saw one of your guards exit your room. A princess in her private chambers, alone with a boy. Clearly, that would call for a scandal, not to mention the princess’ engagement.

“Has the princess gone off?” Jeno asked the other guard, Hyunjin, as he approached your doors.

“She still there?” Hyunjin asked The guard coming out of your room, Chan.

“Yeah, she’s about to have a cup of tea,” Chan said as he returned to his position. Prince Jeno made his way into your room. Inside, he saw you seated pouring some tea.

“Chan, I promise I am fine, go before people talk,” you said not paying attention to who had entered.

“Princess? It is I, Jeno.”

“Prince Jeno!” You said startled, immediately getting up to greet the prince.

“You don’t need to bow, princess, it is only you and I here,” Jeno said with a soft smile as he made his way near your table. “May I?” Jeno gestures asking if he could take a seat. Your chambers held little personality. The walls were painted pastel green, and the trim was off-white. There was no balcony in this room, but large windows that allowed an abundance of sunlight. There were two white couches with a glass coffee table in between and a small table that held the tea set was in front of a large window, overlooking a courtyard.

“Of course, of course, would you like a cup of tea? I was just about to pour myself some,” you asked frantically, still unsure why Jeno was in your room.

“Yes, please,” Jeno answered. You two sat in awkward silence, sipping your tea and waiting for the other to speak.

“Sooooooo…” you started but trailed off, you reminded yourself to just breathe for Jeno was merely a young adult, who happened to be the future king of your nation and was to be your husband. “Why did you come here?” You asked as you found your words.

“Right,” Jeno set down his cup of tea, turning to face you, “I wanted to make sure you were alright, you didn’t seem well after the horseback ride,” Jeno stayed, there was a look of worry within his eyes. His gaze made you feel cared for, something you thought the prince was incapable of doing at one point in your life.

“I am just fine,” you felt a blush creep up to your cheeks, looking away to hide from the prince. “No reason for you to worry.”

“Are you sure? You rushed off so quickly I was barely able to even say bye as you left,” Jeno pressed on further. Deep in his gut, Jeno believed you rushing off had something to do with the guard, but he pushed the feeling further down as there was no reason to think that just yet.

“I’m alright, Jeno.” That was the first time in your entire stay here you addressed Jeno by merely his name, not with his title. He actually liked hearing you say his name, he liked the way you spoke. Your tone was always gentle, kind, like silk to his ears. Jeno pushed further on, asking you questions about yourself and your family. In an attempt to avoid conversations about you personally, you spoke of your family. When that didn’t work, you asked questions instead of answering them.

You learned Jeno was a skilled archer and he preferred music studies over all others. Jeno has never seen a single battle or a moment of war for Taeyong took those burdens; he was the prince in the war. Jeno doesn’t know what it’s like to have a kingdom fall into poverty because his kingdom always had money and a large army. You also learned that Jeno wanted to join the army with his brother, but was denied by his father, saying Jeno isn’t allowed to die. Jeno wanted to learn music and how to paint but was forced into archery and history. Jeno’s life was a never-changing path that was decided, it was a set road, ready for him to walk.

Jeno has learned that you were not meant to be queen at all. You were the youngest child of the king and queen, with an older brother and two older sisters. However, when the war took lives faster than new ones were born, your siblings weren’t afraid to step up to the fight. Being royal children, you and your siblings were raised as equals, learning everything from cooking and cleaning to martial arts and war techniques. Your siblings being much older than you, when they left home to fight, you were still doing your schooling. After each letter made it back home instead of the authors, your parents knew they could no longer keep fighting this war. They had already lost millions of people and now three of their children.

After the third letter made it home, your father put in order 15: ceasefire but hold the line. The soldier at the war front was not to evacuate or move from their position but they were to stop firing at the enemy. The negotiations for peace began, not that Modia had much to negotiate anyway because, without a male heir, the kingdom would fall out of the family. The royal family line died with your brother, so the island that started it all would be left alone out of respect for Modia, all of Modia’s territories would be in control of the new king and queen, and Makena Palace in Modia would now become a summer palace. This was temporary, though, because Modia would only be in Jeno’s control after your father passed on.

-

As the two of you talked on and on, neither one of you noticed or addressed Fei and Mei. The two maids entered your chambers, helping in any way you saw fit. However, seeing you in deep conversation with the prince, Fei and Mei decided to go about their routine: pulling out the evening dress for dinner, fixing the bed, cleaning the bathroom. The two maids nearly complete all tasks in utter silence. It was until Fei and Mei entered the bathroom did either one of them decide to speak. Your bathroom was connected to the sleeping area of your bedroom, which was separated by a wall and double doors from where you and Jeno were.

“Getting cozy fast, the princess has,” Fei stated to her sister.

“Fei, watch what you say,” Mei stated in a rather hushing manner.

“Mei, no one else can hear us,” Fei started, “all I am saying is the princess seems to be getting along well with the prince, nothing more.”

“I hope Chan is alright,” Mei stated and Fei just nodded along knowingly. Anyone, everyone, in your kingdom knew the story. Knew of the princess and her personal guard. There was no denying the loving looks passed among the two of you.

-

The knock at your door pulled you and Jeno out of your guys’ thoughts, looking towards the two eggshell white French doors anticipating who would ruin such a divine moment. One door was slowly pushed open revealing the queen. Both you and Jeno immediately stood, bowing to greet the queen.

“My apologies, I didn’t realize you had a guest princess, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” the queen said, hand over heart.

“No apology needed, Your Majesty,” you said, slowly rising for your bowing stances, “your presence is no interruption.” ‘The presence of any queen or king is never an interruption to anyone. You must remember that even as royalty, it is an honor to be in the presence of a king or queen,’ Lady Kam’s lessons on proper etiquette play in your mind.

“My dear daughter,” the queen has taken a keen interest in calling you ‘daughter.’ The name makes you tense. “You must meet with the gardener, the flower arrangements aren’t set yet.”

“Of course, Your Majesty,” you said. You would take memorizing noble families over wedding arrangements any day, but you can no longer avoid the duties. “I apologize, Prince Jeno, for I must leave you.”

“No apology needed,” Jeno said, looking at you, longing for a few minutes ago, when your conversation wasn’t interrupted. There were still so many thoughts in his head, so many things he wanted to discuss with you and get your opinion on. And memories… slowly resurfacing, much to his own horror, that he needed help coming to terms with. He specifically wanted your help, as he knew you could truly understand him.

-

You and the queen walked together to meet the gardener in the main foyer. You stayed a step behind her. Everything from the seating arrangement to the way you walked must be done in a hierarchical order. The queen had a higher status than you, so she led the group, you were second, then your maids, and lastly, your guards. It wasn’t common for your guards to follow instead of lead, but since this was the queen, they had to follow.

Even what you wore was a sign of status. The queen wore navy straight-leg pants, topped with a white bishop sleeve blouse that went up to her neck. A simple medallion necklace lay on her chest, her hair pulled back into a tight low bun and a simple silver tiara topped her head. The outfit was simple but classy, only something a queen would wear. It was certainly more elegant than what you wore: black tight dress pants with a deep crimson red wrap long-sleeved blouse.

As you entered the main foyer, there the gardener, an older gentleman, old enough to be your father, stood. He was a slim man, skin obviously tanned from the sun, his hair salt and pepper from age. Next to him stood a young boy, at first just looking like an assistant for the gardener. But as you drew closer to them, you could see the resemblance between the two: the same nose, the same cheekbones, the same jawline. They were father and son.

“Your Majesty,” the older gentleman stated as he and his son bowed, “I am Andrew and this is my son, Ramsey.”

“Pleased to meet the two of you,” the queen started before turning to you, “let us make our way to the palace garden, there you can see the flowers we have and what will work best for the wedding.”

All of you made your way through the palace to the private garden. It was the only area where the temperature remained regulated, warm. The queen and the gardener talked amongst themselves about the flower arrangements, never once asking your opinion. This is how most wedding arrangements went: the queen handled it all, every now and then looking to you for a nod of approval, which you always gave. There was no reason to argue, you thought; the queen will have the wedding she wants. If you truly got what you wanted, you wouldn’t even be in this palace.

The son didn’t speak at all either, he just held a tablet with a pen. He wrote everything that needed to be remembered, never allowing his father and the queen to venture out of earshot, always close enough behind to hear everything but not too close to get in the way. Oh, how you envied him, to be responsible for so little. A simple life as a gardener’s daughter festered in your daydreams as you looked on to the flowers. You walked away from the group, to the neglected parts of the garden. It was all taken care of, just neglected because no one seemed to enjoy these flowers as much as the others.

“Princess (Y/n),” the queen called, pulling you from your thoughts.

“Huh?” was all that came to mind to say

“I’ve been trying to get your attention, dear,” the queen looked to you with a show of concern, but under the concern was a hint of irritation that you weren’t focused on the task at hand. “How do red and white roses sound for your bouquet and then we’ll have blue carnations for all the arrangements?”

‘I held orchids for my bouquet; they were always my favorite flowers’ your mother told you one day long, long ago. “Instead of white roses for the bouquet, what about white orchids?” You asked, more to the queen than the gardener.

“That’s possible,” the gardener said as his son wrote.

The queen was in shock at you actually making a decision, smiling to herself, hoping this was a sign you’re coming around to the idea of this marriage. “Of course, my dear, whatever you want.”

The words meant to encourage and uplift you about the wedding did the exact opposite. Hearing ‘whatever you want’ from the queen caused you to physically flinch. What you truly want is to cancel this wedding and go home.

Soon enough, the meeting with the gardener and his son was over. You see the two of them off leaving the palace. All the flower arrangements set into motion.

“Tomorrow, you have an important luncheon with the noble Na family,” the queen stated, walking away from the foyer. You followed closely behind. “The noble families will soon start arriving at the palace for the wedding.”

“Already? We’re still two months out.”

“The Na family will be arriving late this evening, and the two of us will see to it that they are settled in,” the queen ignored your comment as if you never even said it, “and in a couple of weeks, the noble Min family will come and then a week after them will be the noble Kim family. By that time, we will only be a month from the weddings, and more families will continue to arrive. Take the next few hours and prepare yourself; it’s time to put all those lessons on the Northcy kingdom to the test.”

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