#I drew this on my tablet and was to lazy to send it over or just post it on my tablet

[chaosbloot]

WIP and no... this isn't a photo of my tablet...

[awanderingdeal]

Lazy summer mornings with the cubs.

Is this an update for one of the many works in progress that I have? Afraid not! This is a story that I wrote live on the discord (after some inspiration from @ais-for-alex), with a bit of editing. The flow still isn’t 100% but I’m pretty happy with it. 

It’s smutty mess of emotion, featuring some of the corniest lines I have ever written. I would apologise but these boys make me feel things. RATING: EXPLICIT. 

All credit for the wonderful Leo, Logan and Finn goes to @lumosinlove. 

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When they weren’t travelling, summer break was filled with lazy mornings that Leo treasured. Sometimes, like today, Finn slipped out at first light to play basketball with Alex, Kasey and Natalie. It left Leo and Logan to wake slowly. Inevitably, Leo would be the first, piling pillows behind him so that he could make some headway in the required reading for his online class. Eventually Logan would crack his eyes open, stretching and popping his limbs. Once he had fought through the sleepy haze, Logan would grab his laptop, finding a documentary to meet whatever his latest obsession was. Apparently, ‘The mystery of the rebel pharaoh’ was not as riveting as it sounded because Leo could feel Logan getting restless beside him. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Leo saw Logan rip off his headphones and he heard the slap of a laptop closing. What he doesn't expect is Logan's fingers on the band of his underwear. Leo protests, just wanting to get to the end of his chapter. Logan’s hands still but his eyes are bright and wanting. Leo knows that look. 

"Can I?" Logan asks, a slow smirk spreading across his face. The words are few but Leo understands the question is related to the article that Logan sent him yesterday. The article he had opened whilst in a meeting with Cameron, the specialist keeper coach, by the way. He'd been expecting something mundane about picking up groceries or what setting on the washing machine to use, not 'Cockwarming 101'. He can still feel the heat of the blush that had spread over his face and Cameron’s concerned questions.  

Leo nods his consent and Logan takes his penis into his mouth. He is fairly certain that he should have just dropped the reading, because how was he supposed to concentrate with his cock in the warmth of Logan's mouth. However, surprisingly quickly, it becomes an intimate, comforting sensation and he is able to make progress. Occasionally, Logan would shift or hum his contentment and it would send a shiver through Leo. He breathes through it and waits for himself to calm down, feeling Logan grin around him. Leo sees Logan's hand move to his own cock, stroking it lazily. His fingers barely grazing over the darkened skin, matching the lazy sucks he'd started to subject Leo to and Leo's resolve breaks. He puts his tablet down, his fingers tangling in Logan's hair, "Alright, baby. Go ahead."

Logan's eyes glance up at Leo, and somehow he looks the picture of innocence despite the fact that he still has Leo between his lips. Logan suckles Leo a few times before pulling off with a pop. "Finished reading, baby?" he asks, giving Leo a smug look that Leo really really wants to hate but just can't. 

"You know very well that I wasn't," Leo scoffed. "But somebody is needy."

Logan laughed, "I don't know who you are talking about."

Leo raised an eyebrow, "a minute ago you seemed interested in keeping that smart mouth occupied by something else." 

Logan pressed his lips to Leo's thighs, mouthing a mark into the skin. His fingers played aimlessly with Leo's balls, "what if I’ve changed my mind?" 

Logan reached out to grab Leo's hand. "Non," he sang, pulling the long limb towards him. It fell comically onto Logan's curls, but Leo knew what he was going for and wrapped his long fingers into the hair with a snort. 

Leo groaned, his head flopping back against the headboard. He quickly composed himself. Logan could be a shit, but Leo was more than able to match the teasing. "I'll just finish studying then, shall I?" he retorted, contorting his features into a smirk.

"Better distract me then, sweetheart," Leo grinned, lifting Logan's head gently and leaning down to press his lips against Logan's. Logan, having had enough of the games, licked his lips and sunk his mouth down on Leo's cock with a practised ease. His movements matched the lazy morning, slow and unhurried, savouring the moment. Logan's fingers clenched into Leo's hips, there so often that the skin seemed to have moulded itself to make a home for them.

A picture of restraint, Logan kept the pace slow. Each time Leo thought he couldn’t take it anymore, Logan’s tongue would lap at the head, taking the edge off. It was a beautiful kind of torture; Leo's length cocooned in the heat of Logan's mouth. He wanted nothing more than to thrust into it, to chase the pleasure humming just there. But Leo let himself fall into the heady feeling, let himself be guided in the way that Logan wanted.

Lost in the sensations, the first Leo knew of Finn's return home was the low whistle from the doorway. Leo's eyes snapped over to meet Finn's. Logan only sucked harder, pressing his fingers to the thin skin at the base of Leo's balls. A spot that  Logan knew would make him keen - nothing if not a performer. 

"Can I request that I come home to this all the time?" Finn breathed, pushing himself off the frame of the door. He crossed the room, the tight athletic shorts he was wearing left little to the imagination. 

Somehow, Leo managed to find his voice. "Hey sweetheart. Good game?" he asked. Twelve months ago, when Leo was just starting to let himself imagine what this could be, he never could have conjured this image. Sometimes he still felt like he was dreaming. The reality was so much better. 

Finn hummed a reply, leaning down to catch Leo's lips in a slightly salty kiss. "Yeah. Nat and I won, of course," Finn grinned, his fingers lingering on Leo's cheek.

"Morning, Lo." Finn added casually, his eyes glancing down the bed. Logan's mouth morphed into a smile around Leo. His eyes were questioning and Finn didn't need words to know what they were asking. "Sorry babe, I'm tired. Gonna jump in the shower and grab some food. You enjoy yourself though," Finn answered. Twelve months ago, Finn would never have turned down an opportunity like this. Leo knew that Finn too had been afraid that one day he was going to wake up and it'd all be over. But Finn was more secure these days. He could say no because there would be a lifetime of opportunities to say yes. 

"Can I steal that mouth for a second?" Finn chuckled. Logan drew off Leo with a purposeful slurp, his lips painted with the signs of Leo's pleasure. Finn didn't hesitate before pressing their lips together, and Leo could have sworn his heart stopped for a beat when he saw Finn's tongue brush the mess away. "You always taste good, baby," Finn winked at Leo and it should have been cheesy, but Finn managed to make it effortlessly cool.

You think he's going to jerk off in there?" Logan laughed, cocking his head towards the bathroom door.

Leo rolled his eyes gently, his muscles jerking as Logan took him back into his mouth. "It's Finn so who knows? Fifty percent chance he's jerking off. Fifty percent chance he's practising his fake out and he's going to end up in the ER," Leo snickered. 

Logan murmured his agreement, a breathy laugh sending a shiver up Leo's spine. He gave Leo a long lick before glancing up at him and pulling away again. Leo's eyes widened. He was officially going to combust. He was going to be the first person with, 'died of horniness', on their death certificate. 

Logan huffed out another laugh, "Okay, Okay. Let's get you sorted. As much as I love having you in my mouth, I know half of that big brain of yours is already planning what to feed Finn." 

Leo couldn't argue with that, "You know me too well, Logan Tremblay."

 "Maybe you're just too predictable, Leo Knut," Logan countered.

Logan hollowed his mouth and filled it with Leo again. There was no moderation this time. Leo could feel him everywhere. His hands squeezing his balls, gently at first, and then harder. Logan's lips pressed tight around him, dragging down his cock and then back up again. His tongue wrapping around the head, dipping in to taste. Leo is vocal, gasping out encouragement liberally. Logan deserves to know how good he makes him feel. If he is a little louder so that Finn can hear from the bathroom, then that was his prerogative. Logan pushes Leo's legs up, his hands grasping onto his thighs. Leo knows what is coming and tries to prepare himself; he never can. Logan's mouth is at the head of his cock again, sucking and it doesn't stop. His legs push up but Logan's hands are strong against the pressure. Leo's eyes meet Logan's and that is enough for him to be emptying into his mouth. Logan doesn't falter, working him through it. 

It's a few seconds before Leo finishes soaring, although it feels a lot longer. A few seconds before he notices that Logan was now resting on Leo, lips barely brushing his penis and  hips rutting into the sheets. "Need a hand, Lo?” Leo asked, his voice still shaky.

Logan's eyes squeezed closed, his body stilling and Leo had his answer. He brushed his hands through Logan's hair until his green orbs were visible again. Logan blushed in the way he always did when he came untouched, no matter how many times he and Finn told him how much they loved it. 

"Come here, sweetheart," Leo cooed, pulling Logan up his body. "How many times?" 

Logan smacked his hand on Leo's chest, "Just twice."

"Just twice," Leo chuckled. "I'll try harder next time." He brushed his thumb over Logan's lips, still a bit tacky. "Tell me when?" 

It was part of their normal routine now. Sometimes a way to debrief. An easier way for Logan to let them know what he liked. A relationship saver really, because if Leo had heard, "all of it," in response to "what was your favorite part?" again, then he wasn't going to be responsible for his actions. Sometimes a way to ramp things back up. The start of a 3rd, 4th or even once, a 5th time.

Logan nipped at the thumb playfully, "When Finn kissed me. When he took you from my lips. And then he just...licked." His words trailed off, barely audible at the end as if he was reliving the moment. Leo couldn't blame him. It had been hot.

"Yeah, I think that might be ingrained in my memory forever," Leo agreed, taking his thumb back and replacing it with a quick kiss. The bathroom door opened, releasing a haze of steam and a very relaxed looking Finn. 

"He lives!" Logan teased, his laugh full and happy. 

"Had a bath in the end," Finn shrugged, letting the towel wrapped around his waist fall and Leo was sure that he left it a beat longer than normal to pull on a fresh pair of briefs. "I got distracted." Finn continued.

 Leo pulled Logan's damp clothes from him, the shorter boy lifting up to aid their removal. "I'm just going to grab a cloth," Leo whispered, kissing at Logan's jaw. 

"...and then I couldn't stop so I just re-enacted that whole scene in the perfect bathroom. I was Harry, Myrtle and the merpeople. Deserved an Oscar if you ask me." 

Leo caught the end of Finn's monologue, complete with enthusiastic gesturing, as he walked back into the bedroom. He'd learnt long ago not to ask questions, but that was definitely not what he had been expecting.

"Sounds like you had fun, babe," Leo chuckled, tapping Finn's ass as he passed by. 

"And don't think I didn't hear your dramatics. Very much appreciated, by the way." Finn said, an arm wrapping around Leo's waist as he was pulled back to Finn. Leo felt Finn's hand tilting his chin and pressing his lips to his own. It all happened so quickly, leaving Leo a bit dazed. 

Leo blinked, looking down at Finn with a smile. He took Finn’s hand from his chin, pressing his knuckles against his lips before pushing the washcloth into his curled fingers. "How about you take care of our boy over there and I'll make breakfast?" 

Finn hummed his approval, kissing Leo again. His collarbone this time. "I like that plan,” he said, reluctantly untangling himself from Leo. Still, there was a bounce in his step as he made his way to the bed. From the arms of one love to another.

Leo didn't leave straight away, letting himself indulge in the whispered tenderness of Logan and Finn. It was moments like this that he loved the most. The calm before the storm, as Leo thought of them. Soon they'd get up and it would be a symphony of noise - Leo loved that too - but for now it was murmured nothings and skin on skin, searching out comfort in the familiar beat of one another's hearts. Moments that should have been too private to watch, and yet Leo was welcome.

[thadelightfulone]

All I Want... 25 Days of Christmas Challenge, Day 4

November 21st - Part 1

DeeDee stretched out her arms, hitting another warm body. Startled, she jumped up and almost fell out of the bed. She looked over to see Phyllis and Beverly laid askew on her bed still in their club clothes. She glanced down and saw that she was smart enough to take her jeans off. Rubbing her eyes, she headed to the bathroom to clean up. 

When she came out, neither one of them had moved. Just dead to the world, she shook her head. DeeDee really loved her girls, but remembered that this is why she rarely went out with them anymore. More often than not, she never remembered what happened, her body hurt the next day, or both. She threw on a tank top and some sweats, then pulled her long curls up into a messy bun.

She walked into her living room and decided to make some tea. As the water boiled, she stepped out of the small kitchen to do a few stretches and release the tension in her body. DeeDee stood with her legs shoulder width apart, then leaned over and just let her body hang down with the tips of her fingers brushing the floor. She swayed side-to-side before slowly rolling back up as soon as the kettle whistled.

DeeDee chose her favorite ginger and lavender loose leaf tea, added the tea ball to her mug, then poured the water over it. Since she was working on autopilot, she recited her morning affirmations. With her cup of tea prepared, she went out onto her patio and set it down. She popped back inside to grab her laptop from her desk. 

After her temporary work space was set up, DeeDee sat back on her wooden chaise lounger, then grabbed her mug and inhaled the calming aroma. She booted up her laptop and sipped on her tea. The blinking email icon drew her attention. 

DeeDee opened the application and saw a few emails regarding her inquiries into other tenure-track positions. When she saw the latest email to arrive, she inhaled too deeply and started to choke as the hot tea coated her throat. She set the mug down on the small table and waved her hands as she tried to catch her breath and allow cool air into her mouth. Once settled, DeeDee looked into her apartment to see if she woke Phyllis and Beverly and whether they were nearby. 

“Oh my god, he wrote back.” She whispered out and pulled the computer into her lap. 

DeeDee clicked on the link, took a deep breath and read his email. 

“Awww, so he remembers what he wrote all those years ago -- that’s so sweet. Wait, what!?! He wishes that kind of love for me?” DeeDee smiled and closed her eyes at that. “Oooop, okay why did he just say what Phyll said?” She chuckled at the thought.

“Who said what I did?” Phyllis slowly made her way over to DeeDee, who immediately slammed the laptop close. 

“No one. I was just reading a story.” She grabbed her tea to occupy her hands.

“Liar, what you hiding?” Beverly walked around and grabbed the computer from DeeDee’s lap. 

She sat at the end of the chaise and opened the laptop. Beverly waved Phyllis over and patted the area to the left of her. Phyllis looked over at DeeDee and smirked.

“He really wrote you back?” 

“Now that is a story.” Phyllis laughed, “Oh, he thought he sounded like a lame little virgin, too? Good to know.

“So, what are you writing back?” Beverly asked.

DeeDee sipped her tea, “Ummm --” 

“You may want to ask about him skipping over the biggest part of your original email.” Phyllis interjected. 

“I missed that. Do you think maybe he’s married?” Bev looked between the both of them.

“Hey, can I just answer the man’s question first before asking about his personal relationships?” DeeDee put her tea back on the table.

“Fine, what are you gonna say?” 

“Phyll, just stop.” DeeDee leaned forward and snatched the laptop. “I don’t know yet. Why are you so worried about it?”

Phyllis put her hands up, “Okay, my bad. Sorry.” She turned to Beverly, “I got work in a few hours. Do you need a ride home?”

“Yeah, let me grab my stuff.” Beverly ran back into the apartment. 

“Be careful, Dee. You know nothing about this man, and he could tell you anything.”

“I know, Phylly Phyll. It’s harmless, so I’ll be fine.” DeeDee shrugged at her. “I promise. I can handle it.”

Beverly came back out, “Gimme love. We gotta go.”

DeeDee stood up, gave out hugs and walked them to the door.

When they left, she walked back onto her patio and stood at the end of the chaise. She  knew Phyllis was right to warn her. But DeeDee figured if he did not acknowledge finding his parents’ love, then he already had it. Knowing that, there was nothing for her to be worried about, especially since she was never gonna meet him. She was gonna send him a response and call the whole thing done. 

DeeDee paced around her chaise while she thought over how to answer his question. When it finally came to her, she sat down and picked up the computer and started to type. 

SUBJECT: RE: ‘MgYHeArTaNdSOULa’ 

Hi Dr. Stevens,

To answer your question --  I am kind of nosey. After finding the note, I was curious about the kind of person who would write about finding a love like that. I just never expected to find out that the note predated my arrival to Southern. GO JAGUARS!!!  

Anyways, I guess I could ask you the same question -- why would you respond to some random stranger sending you an email about a long-forgotten note? 

Thank you. I hope you enjoy your weekend as well.

DeeDee

---

Erik usually ran 3 miles in the mornings before the sun rose, but decided to enjoy a lazy morning. It was Saturday and for once, he was not expected in the office. When he finally got up at 9, he changed into a compression tank and some workout shorts. He decided to go to the park up the block and run a few laps around the track since he knew it would be open by now. 

As Erik passed by the basketball courts, he saw a group of teenagers chilling on the benches.

“Yo, Mr. E!” A voice called out. 

He recognized most of them from the Center, when he actually ran some of the afterschool programs. Erik slowed up his pace and headed towards the courts. A couple of them looked up as he came over. He dapped them all up. 

“What up, Jax?”

“You want to play some ball?” The tallest kid in the group spoke up again.

Erik looked at his watch, “Yeah, I got some time to run a few games.”

It was early afternoon when Erik parted ways with the neighborhood boys, who all promised to drop by the Center. As he made his way back onto his street, he jogged backwards and waved towards his neighbors as he made his way back to the house. 

Erik went to the kitchen to grab some water. While he was drinking, the chime on his tablet went off. He walked to where it laid on his counter and then remembered that Marquis was supposed to send him the details for the Retirement party. He could look at it later, so he went upstairs to wash up.

After coming back downstairs in a hoodie and some sweats, Erik went to his fridge to figure out what to eat for lunch. He pulled out some chicken breasts, zucchini, squash, carrots and some red bell peppers. He went to his cabinets to get some penne. Roasted Pasta Primavera was calling his name. 

Erik started boiling the pasta and set everything else on the counter. He then turned on his favorite Spotify list before he chopped up and seasoned all the chicken and vegetables. He hummed along to Meshell Ndegeocello, and pulled out both a saute and sheet pan. Erik dropped the chicken into the hot pan, threw the vegetables in the oven and checked on the pasta when the music was interrupted by a text message coming through. 

Quis: Check your email. I just sent you the details.

Erik picked up the tablet and noticed he had 15 unread emails. Marquis’ email was on top, just sent within the last 10 minutes. He sat down at the counter, and noticed most were from work. He would look at those later. Before Erik set the tablet back down, he saw the now familiar subject line from DeeDee. He opened it to see how she responded to his question.

Erik smiled when she owned up to her nosiness. But he couldn’t blame her, it was the same reason he sent her a response. That and loneliness, but it’s not like he has to share that part.

“Oh, that’s cute.” He chuckled when she cheered for Southern. “And she got me.” 

He stared at the last part of her email and then set the tablet down. Erik needed a moment to figure out how to address the question she asked. He turned around to continue cooking.

Erik checked on the pasta, chicken, and vegetables. He flipped the chicken and took the pasta off the burner to drain. He grabbed a big bowl and added the pasta to it. The veggies needed a few more minutes, so he pulled out butter to build the sauce. 

With the chicken done, Erik added the butter, some fresh parsley and basil into the saute pan. He mixed everything together with the chicken and vegetables, and then added it to the pasta. He left everything to settle in the bowl.

Erik returned to where the tablet was on his island and began typing out his response. Happy with what he wrote, he sent the email and went to make a plate.

---

DeeDee just finished folding up her laundry when she heard a familiar chime. She went to her desk to see which device had an alert. She was waiting for her pizza to be delivered since didn’t feel like cooking. Nothing appeared on her phone, so she looked over at her computer. 

“Well, that was quick.” She smiled and brought the laptop to the couch. She sat down and read Erik’s latest email.

SUBJECT: RE: ‘MgYHeArTaNdSOULa’

Good afternoon DeeDee, 

Well, it can’t possibly be a long-forgotten note if I remember it and where I left it, right? 

But to answer your question - I was just as curious about the person who found my note and actually deciphered the key phrases I had randomly placed on the page. It says a lot about you.

Something tells me that besides tricking others into thinking that you read one of my articles, you must be a Chemistry or Biochemistry major. 

And now that you know who I am. If you actually ever need some help, I am a great resource.

E

Oh, and please call me Erik. I haven’t been called Dr. Stevens in years.

Just as DeeDee finished reading the email, her doorbell rang. She put the computer down and jumped up to answer the door. She put the pizza on her coffee table and went to the kitchen. She grabbed a glass and a chilled bottle of wine. 

She popped the cork and poured her first glass. DeeDee took a sip before she looked back at the email. 

“Call you Erik, huh?” Taking another sip, she set the glass down and picked up her laptop. “Well, Erik, it’s nice to meet you.” She giggled and tapped out her response.

SUBJECT: RE: ‘MgYHeArTaNdSOULa’

Good evening Erik, 

You have a point. We would not be chatting now if you didn’t know what I was talking about. 

And you are correct. I am actually a doctoral student focusing on Environmental Toxicology. So, I know why I needed the book, but what about you? That seems a little advanced for a Computer Science major.

Actually, there is something that you can help me with. Why did you leave the note in the book? And you never did say whether you found what you were looking for?

Sincerely, 

Curious DeeDee  

DeeDee read it over and hit ‘send.’ She opened up the pizza and pulled a piece out. She took a big bite and moaned around it. Her night is off to a great start.

Taglist: @teakturn @ghostfacekill-monger @shaekingshitup @nahimjustfeelingit-writes @woahitslucyylu @ladymac82 @bugngiz @eyeknowmywrites​ @ajspencer1892​ @arafatih​ @issimplyaamazinggg​ @tchallasbabymama​

[stilloutofmyvulcanmind]

Broken Pieces

Request:  Could you, um, do a small fluff piece with H.R... um, one where the reader has had a hard day and nearly broke down into tears. Oh... um also with hot chocolate and cozy comfort blanket snuggles?? Please?

Pairing: H.R Wells x Reader

Word count: 1.6k

Warnings: Anxiety, crying

A/N: I changed the prompt a little, nonnie, so the reader did break down in tears. It fit better, so I hope that’s okay!

The crash of the mug cracking on the floor echoed through the kitchen, the sound deafening in the silence. You stared down at the broken pieces, fingers still flexing around the empty space where it should’ve been held. You’d just wanted to make a drink. You were exhausted and at your limit, and hot chocolate always made you feel better. You couldn’t even have that it seemed. The mug itself hadn’t been a special one, just the first clean one you’d laid hands on, but the sight of it shattered over the kitchen tiles was enough to make the last thread holding you together snap. 

Tears started to roll down your cheeks, dripping off and splashing to the floor amongst the debris. Shoulders shaking, you stood there and sobbed. 

"Y/N?" H.R's voice suddenly filled the room, followed by the sound of his boots on the tile, rushing over to you. "Are you hurt?" He sounded so worried. It only made you sob harder, the guilt creeping in over scaring him. 

Unable to find words, you just shook your head. 

"Okay, okay, good. Come here." H.R was gently guiding you away from the mess, pulling you back a few steps before engulfing you in his arms. You sank into the embrace, hands coming around to clutch at the soft grey sweater as you cried into his shoulder. "I've got you, baby bean, let it out."

H.R held you until your sobs had turned into quiet sniffles and there was a damp patch on his sweater. With gentle fingers under your chin, he tilted your head. "Will you tell me what caused this?" He asked, brushing away the tears that remained on your cheeks. 

"I don't…I'm just��" You stumbled over your words, fighting to find the right ones to fully articulate what you wanted to say. 

"It's okay," H.R soothed, thumb tracing over your cheekbone, "take your time."

You nodded, leaning into the touch. You took a breath. "There's so much going on recently and I haven't been sleeping, and today was just so long, it took forever to get everything done, and there's still so much more to do on Monday, I can't even begin to list it all. I'm...I'm tired and I'm stressed and…I guess dropping the mug just pushed me off the edge."

H.R listened and kissed your forehead once you were done. “Thank you.”

You couldn’t do much more than hum and melt into his gentleness. Just having H.R near you was already making you feel better, his steady hands and the smell of his cologne slowly easing the tension away. 

Eventually, he pulled back, hands on your shoulders. “Will you do something for me?” He waited for your nod, before continuing, “Go and take a shower. A long, hot one, just how you like it.”

“But the mess-”

“I’ll take care of it.” H.R said, eyes soft. “And I want you to take care of yourself.”

“Okay.” 

He beamed. “That’s my baby bean!” A quick kiss to the lips and H.R was shooing you off towards the bathroom.

The water was steaming hot by the time you stepped under it, groaning softly as it hit your stiff muscles, already working its magic. It was heaven. Leaning forward against the wall you let the water cascade down and over your back, enjoying the warmth of it until you mustered up the energy to finally wash away the day. 

By the time you were done, though still exhausted, you did feel a world better. Wrapped in a fluffy towel, you stepped out into the bedroom to find a pair of your favorite pajamas laid out waiting for you. You spared a moment to wonder how you’d gotten so insanely lucky to get a boyfriend as kind and caring as H.R, before quickly drying off and changing into the soft cozy set, listening to H.R move about and hum softly to himself just outside.

The living room had been transformed, you found. Blankets and pillows and been spread out and piled up in front of the sofa, expertly laid out for maximum comfort. H.R stood just beyond, now changed out of his usual stylish clothes into a pair of grey sweatpants, and tee that had a giant cartoon graphic of a coffee cup splayed across the front. It had been one of the first gifts you’d gotten him, intended to just be something silly and fun. He wore it as often as possible.

H.R rounded the sofa with a smile. “Feel better?”

“Much, thank you. And thank you for all this, coffee bean.”

H.R chuckled, kissing your forehead, “I’m not done yet, come on.” Taking your hands, he guided back around the sofa, motioning for you to settle down in the nest while he produced the butter-soft red blanket you adored so much. “I’ll be back.” Before you could question it, H.R vanished into the kitchen, reappearing a couple of minutes later with a steaming mug and a tablet tucked under his arm.

It took some careful moving to get him situated without spilling the contents, but soon you were both cuddled under the red blanket, with you tucked into his side and sipping at the delicious hot chocolate, he somehow always made it better, and H.R pulling up a book on the tablet. 

It was perfect. You loved H.R’s reading voice, it was calm and soothing, and he’d picked a good book to read. One that had been on your list of favorites since you were young. It still astounded you how he’d learned so many tiny details about you, how he always wanted to learn more. One time when you’d questioned why he was so devoted to knowing everything there was to know, he’d said you were his favorite book to read and he intended on memorizing every word by heart. 

Even now, months later, the memory had the heat creeping across your cheeks and made you want to bury your face in his neck.

H.R kept reading, continuing long after the hot chocolate was finished and the mug set aside, and into the later hours of the night. The only thing that changed was now that your drink was done, you were able to settle in even closer, to the point where you were half on his lap. Head resting on his chest, H.R held the tablet in one hand while the other came up to run through your hair, nails gently scratching along your scalp just the way you loved with each pass-through, leaving you to all but melt into him. 

Only when the book was done did H.R stop, switching off the tablet, and tossing it behind him onto the sofa. “How’re you doing?”

“Mmm.”

H.R laughed softly, still playing with your hair. “That good, huh?”

“Yeah. That was perfect.”

“We can do it again over the weekend if you wish.”

The idea sounded like heaven. You wanted nothing more than to have a lazy weekend with H.R. “I can’t. There’s so much to do, I have to work.”

H.R tilted your head up. “You need to rest.”

“I can’t, the work-”

“Will the world end if you make it all wait until next week?”

“No, but-” A finger pressed over your lips, gently silencing you.

“No ‘buts’. You’re not responsible for fixing everything that is broken in this world, nor do you have to try to make everyone happy. It’s time to replenish, baby bean, and I’m going to make sure you take time for you.”

As easy-going as H.R usually was, you knew this time he wouldn’t accept any argument short of there being a legitimate emergency. In truth, you were glad of it. “Okay.”

“Good.” H.R drew you in for a kiss, palms covering your cheekbones. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You wondered if he truly knew just how much. You could never imagine being with anyone else now, never having felt this way with anyone before. You never could’ve been so yourself, so at ease, so vulnerable. You would’ve never let anyone else see you that way, even if you did feel a little guilty about laying such a burden on him. “Thank you for tonight, but I’m sorry it was up to you to pick up my broken pieces.”

H.R shook his head, bopping you lightly on the tip of the nose. “There is nothing to apologize for. That you allow me the privilege of trusting me enough to pick them up and put you back together again is the greatest honor I could ever ask for."

You weren't entirely sure what to say to that. So instead you kissed him again, pouring all the love and adoration you felt for him into it, keeping his face only a few inches away from yours even when it broke again. 

"There it is," H.R said. 

"What is?" 

"The smile I've been searching for." He traced the curve of your lips with his finger as he spoke. 

You hadn't realized you were smiling, but you were. For the first time since you'd dragged yourself in, you were smiling. Because of H.R. The best man in the multiverse. "How can I not smile when I'm with you? I'm the luckiest person in the world."

"I could argue that was me," he chuckled. "Maybe we're equally as lucky."

"I'll agree to that." Another kiss, this one with just the right amount of passion in it to make your stomach flip. Not tonight, but- "If I did try and sneak off to work tomorrow, what would you do?" 

The smirk told you he knew exactly what you were saying. "Then, my baby bean, I'd have to cuff you to the bed."

"Now see, that's the problem, coffee bean. Now I'm going to have to make an escape attempt."

H.R dragged a finger along your cheek, sending goosebumps down your spine. "In that case, I'll make sure I'm ready."

"I can hardly wait."

Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee! (I’ll love you forever!)

[whenimgoodandready]

What is this? Who is that in that picture? And what is “Miraculous Ladybug”? (researches through my Tumblr blog archives) Well, apparently I’m a young woman who has a social media blog that writes these reviews (and rebloging interesting posts for other things) for a French children’s animated show and points things out along with expressing my opinion on each episode! Okay, I don’t remember watching this episode, but I’ll see it again and go through the rest of my reviews to help refresh my memories (rewatches “Oblivio” again, reads through the previous reviews and checks out the shows wiki), Okay, so here’s what I discovered:

*Oblivio-So I found the English dub of this episode and get this, this Ladybug and Cat Noir are costumed superheroes who wake up in an elevator with no memory of who one another is or what had happened before and they detransform as teenagers in front of each other! Ladybug is this clumsy French-Chinese baker girl named Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Cat Noir is this sheltered rich male model guy named Adrien Agreste and not only do they have amnesia, but their Kwamies, which are these “bugmice/genies”, have amnesia too! I read that this wasn’t the first time they had a “reveal”, but the last one had their eyes closed for an owl villain named “Dark Owl” (and he was their principal?). Marinette looks really cute and Adrien looks adorable as well.

They get out of the elevator and after going through their bags and pockets discover their identities and realize they need to stay away from this supervillain (that person in the picture) named Oblivio who can erase people’s memories and is the one responsible for all this. Marinette and Adrien try to call their parents for help, but Adriens father, a fashion designer named Gabriel, isn’t answering and to my horror, it was cuz he’s the major supervillain, Hawk Moth, who creates these supervillains to get Ladybug and Cat Noirs miraculouses (those magic earrings/ring respectively) and give him God-like powers! And his son doesn’t know about it along with him not knowing he’s a superhero! Shocking! Marinette, however, gets in contact with her mom and she lets her know about Ladybug and Cat Noir which makes her realize they need to keep their alter egos a secret and fight Oblivio. Problem? They don’t know how to transform and use their powers! Womp! Womp! Womp! Despite that, they pretty much handle everything with quick thinking and analysis. Hmm, smart kids!

One of the Kwamies, the black cat looking one, Plagg, is a lazy and stinky camembert cheese obsessed fellow who was all, “Screw this I’m outta here” and leaves the kids and the other Kwamie, the cute ladybug looking one, Tikki, to fend for themselves. What a selfish little........thing. Oblivio almost catches the gang, but Marinette uses a skill that was almost like Ladybugs power, “Lady-vision”, and they send Oblivio away. Lol! What a dumb villain.

Marinette and Adrien believe they’re a couple from one another’s pictures on their phones and I read that there’s this “love square” where it’s just the two of them along with their alter egos and here’s how it goes: Adrienette:one sided secret crush on Marinettes side, Ladynoir:one sided open crush on Cat Noirs side, Marichat:strictly platonic and Ladrien:mutual secret crush. Oh God! This is so frustrating! Everyone’s stressing out about it from the comments I read! And the two don’t even know about their own secret identities out of safety reasons! This is Season 3 and they still haven’t figured it out yet! What!? How do they keep this show going!? Is this what’s keeping the ratings up!? I also found out I’m all for Adrienette cuz, they can’t be superheroes forever! It was cute however that they got to fall in love with each other all over again ღ. They’re such a cute couple. I see that they’re very parallel with each other too. Are these two written in stone!? “Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste, Forever”!? Cuz they’re like, two halves of a whole fated couple!

Marinette researches through her phone (like how I’m trying to remember with all this) and finds a video depicting what occurred before the elevator incident and sees that as Ladybug, she drew a picture of a phone and a turtle next to it as a reminder, so she goes through her contacts and finds a turtle pic with the name Fu, Master Fu. He’s this hundred year old Chinese man who’s this “guardian” of the Miracule Box and is the one who gave Marinette and Adrien their miraculouses when Hawk Moth first showed up. He lets them know about who they are and how to use their powers, so Tikki transforms Marinette into Ladybug while sadly, Adrien is stuck without Plagg :(.

Later, Plagg comes back after a guilt trip of “psychological harassment” from seeing Adriens posters all over Paris (Lol! They’re literally signs) and transforms him as Cat Noir. As they battle Oblivio with their enhanced flexibilities and reflex’s that they forgot how to use, so they just do the dodge and shield moves. Ladybug reads through her instructional manual on her yo-yo weapon that pretty much does everything (like Cat Noirs baton) and finds out she has to destroy the weapon the supervillain has and purify the hakuna matata akuma that transformed them into a supervillain. Huh, who knew butterflies could be evil? Not to mention it’s Season 3 and Hawk Moth still hasn’t defeated them yet! He did come close, too close, but thanks to Ladybugs “good luck” power, they always come out victorious! However, he finds out that they’re “love” for each other could be their downfall! Don! Don! Don! You know, from what I saw in my research, they’re love is mostly what gets them in trouble, this is gonna be a toughie for young hormonal teenage superheroes.

Oblivio is defeated and it turns out, they were Marinette and Adriens best friends, Alya and Nino, respectively. Alya is an aspiring journalist who blogs more about Ladybug than I do and is a fox superhero named Rena Rouge and Nino is a hip hop cultured D.J who’s Alyas boyfriend and also a turtle superhero named Carapace (wait, there are two turtles?), except they know their identities compared to the other two heroes. They got akumatized cuz they snuck off during a field trip to play a babyish app game on their tablet and they got caught and humiliated and due to that negative emotion, Hawk Moth targeted them and turned them into Oblivio to make people forget their incident and spread villainy. Before the final clean up with the Miraculous Ladybug power that fixes up all the damages that have been done, Ladynoir shares a kiss and then, BOOM! Instant mind erase! They go back to their old feelings for each other. Marinette was embarrassed that she kissed Cat, but hey! It’s not like it was the first time from what I discovered *cough*”DarkCupid”*cough* whereas Adrien was thrilled, but sadly forgot about it again! Lol, sorry kid.

Looking back on my reviews, I changed it throughout the years. Starting 2015, I wrote these reviews by using those Ladybug emojis as the frames and by the second season, I used bigger ladybug pics as frames and then in this season, I used these prettier ladybugs and added in pictures! The more I researched this show, the more I grew to love it! It has all my favorite things:Paris, France, cats, cute characters, bright colors, nice music, comedy, adventure and interesting plot lines that gets darker the more I watch it! I even found out I collect their action dolls and play with them on my Eiffel Tower lamp. There’s even a web series and movie of this show and I wanna see all of it! I even wrote a mini fanfic about this episode plot and it was really funny. It was practically the first 30 seconds of this episode! Wow! I really am a writer! I also found out I met some new friends on here that love the show too and we discuss our thoughts and feelings of it like this one blogger @vulpineveritas whom I first show these reviews before the public as feedback. She’s real nice and you know what? I-(the Miraculous Ladybug power takes effect and restores my memories) Whoa! What happened!? (looks through my amnesiac written review) Aw man! Now I have to rewrite this whole review with my up-to-date mind set! :P.

[ball-jointed-dragon]

I need to get this off my chest

For those who do not wish to look at my personal problems, please scroll on. These thoughts actually become very personal and deep for me.

For most of my life, I’ve been, and still am, a rather angry person. I get mad at things easily, and it takes me a while to let things go or simply forget about things that make me sick to my stomach.

Going through elementary was easy, because back then, all anyone cared about was the playground, who you were gonna sit with, etch etch.

I never had a problem with this. I was that kid with one friend and books who sat on the bench and read. However, there is one vivid memory from elementary about that one friend.

I’ll say her name was Penny. Penny was my friend. Hell, she let me come over to her house. She was the best. But the others didn’t like me. I got angry, I hit, I yelled, and many other things. So, they decided that if they couldn’t hurt me, they would hurt Penny...

One recess, everyone surrounded Penny. What they did still pisses me off because I know it was because of me.

They all, at once, screamed. Think about it. 15-20 kids, screaming at the top of their lungs, not too far from you. It was awful. It was deafening, almost.

I went to the teacher and told, but they did nothing. They probably thought I was trying to use my ‘privaleges’ that I ‘had’ cause I was the kid with a huge scar on her forehead, I was the poor baby who got ran over AND drowned.

They paid me no mind.

Not too soon after, I had to leave. I had to go see my dad, who was in Montana, because that was what the divorce papers said.

I don’t remember a lot there. I do remember being alone, and preferring it that way. I remember still being angry, being manipulated by my sisters, and slowly starting to pick up bad habits.

I stopped going outside because what was the point? I stopped playing with others because they only wanted to hang out with one or more of my siblings, not me. I stopped participating in games because I felt like I was jamming myself into a place I didn’t belong.

I turned to art during this time. I was shit at it, but I started taking it seriously. I showed the teachers, and they pushed me to keep going. I also turned to writing, and started getting positive feedback from the readers.

But my home life was still bad. My dad was lazy and angry. He only wanted to play video games and would yell at us if we did anything he seemed bad. He made it hard for me to get a simple book that was 50 cents while my sisters could get pants for over $15.

My own father encouraged me to steal. At first, it was a card for Mother’s Day. He claimed that it cost less than a dollar to make, but here we were, being charged over a dollar for it.

The next time was a bigger thing. I had money from my grandmother, and I didn’t have enough for a cross necklace, something I wanted during a time when I felt that I needed to get closer to god (it didn’t work out btw). He encouraged me to reach in and grab it, then walked off, starting to take it off the thing.

I said I didn’t wanna steal it, I didn’t wanna be like him, going to jail for something that was avoided. My sister even offered to help buy it.

My dad decided to slap me in the Walmart.

Apparently it was the best way.

He put the necklace back and I cried quietly for the rest of our trip.

There were many other factors. My five other siblings could turn abusive. I had to share a small bed with my two sisters while my step siblings got their own room or had a bunk bed for the two others (there were two sisters and a brother, hence the bunk bed for one and single room for another).

My stepbrother threw fits and his mother would yell at him and send him to the corner. We hopped from house to house. I was in some bad relationships, extremely unhealthy ones.

I had a breakdown once, and I got grounded for it because my stepsister called my dad while I sat screaming, holding my head and throwing things.

He claimed that it was unnecessary.

I came out as bi and he said that I only thought that because of anime women. He didn’t take my art seriously and simply called it ‘anime’.

My siblings and I were mass-grounded, and my dad would never come up with an end date, leading to months of being grounded.

My dad twisted the image of my mom into this irresponsible, evil, vile woman who would treat me worse, and that I would be better off here.

I started feeling like I was pathetic, a loser. The feelings only grew stronger.

My dad did a lot of good things, but there are other things I can’t forgive him for. I’m sure I’ll remember more as I go along.

I moved back with my mom for a bit, about a year, and things... I dunno.

I couldn’t tell if things were good or bad because I was so tired at this point.

I was overweight, I was eating unhealthily and I still do. I didn’t do any exercise and I was angry and going through puberty -or at least the start of it-. I became the overweight, antisocial kid who had anger issues and drew on her worksheets and got good grades.

I sat at a table and made friends with the people there. We even had a club. The club didn’t last for long.

I once ran for something and I surprised people by getting popular people to sign the thing.

I shelved books and was in a play. A kid came up to me while I was working and asked for a book recommendation, so I gave him a book to read and sent him off. He came back later to say that he was glad he asked me.

Despite all these good things, I was starting to hit a bad patch of school. One I couldn’t avoid- there was a bully.

He loved to target me. He was bigger than me, and he wore glasses, and looked like he was overweight and blushing all the time.

I think he was higher up grade-wise, and he might’ve been the ‘loser’ of that group. So seeing me, he decided he’d hate me.

There was a rumor that started in my middle school in the 7th grade that I was a devil child. I was evil, and angry, and I said morbid things that I thought were cool and funny. Not only that, I called myself ‘snow’. God, I cringe so bad.

This bully started calling me that every time he saw me. Five days a week, every time we had a break between classes. He always called me that.

I hated it, but I already told the teachers, and what could they do?

There was once, however, that he got caught in-action. We shared a PE class. The locker rooms were on the far sides of the place, so I came from one way, and he came from another.

I sat down first and had all my things laid out nice.... only for him to kick my things, throwing one of my boots across the room and forcing me to go get it.

Of course I cried - I was a kid who was fed up.

The teacher yelled at him and forced him to do something- I can’t remember.

During the few last days of school, I passed by this kid on my way to shop class. Having had a bad day, I heard him say devil child. That damned nickname...

I turned and screeched at him to stop before bursting into tears, going to my desk and crying.

A few kids comforted me; but I was so angry and tired that I told them my version of the truth:

No one cared about me until I was crying.

I still think it’s true.

I go back to dads, meet my ex boyfriend, and of course I have a problem.

By this point, I’ve written a story that was being well responded to. In middle school, we had these tablets, and I managed to get into my email. I saw a review in PE class and I was so happy that I started telling the boys nearby that they’d never make a story as good as mine.

One of them spoke up,”I can. Once upon a time, you died. The end.”

I... I was pretty crushed. I started crying and I shut up. I moved back, dead set on staying at my high school for the entirety of it.

Freshman year. It was... I can’t say. It was such a jumble of anger and being sent to the principals office. I was given detentions and suspensions. I had a few friends.

One of these friends was... super strange. She was clingy, she was far too touchy-feely and she was unpleasant. I stayed the night at her house- it was trashed, and she.... did stuff.... while I was in the room.

She held my hand even if I didn’t care, and she jumped up onto me while we were in the pool. It got to the point where my family thought she and I were together.

We stopped being friends, I even started avoiding her. I feel a bit bad, but she later told me her boyfriend wanted to marry her and get her pregnant and sent her sex toys, and smelled bad, so I think I dodged a bullet (sorry if that seems rude).

I got attacked by a girl in the lunch line cause I accidentally touched her butt and she freaked.

Kids avoided me because they knew me. I sat alone. Then, I found this lovely lady. She was my friend. She let me tag along, was my partner in class stuff, and introduced me to a friend I’ll call Ami.

She... she moved away, that same year. She had a lot of family issues and I wish her the best.

Sophomore year is a year I spent talking to Ami and in turn Amis friends. We were content, but these boys... and these girls... I had issues with a lot of people. I didn’t know how to shut my mouth and blew up at people if they bothered to say a negative thing about me.

There was a time where I was playing a game. This game plays classical music as you play it, and the setting was as low as it could go before I couldn’t hear it anymore.

One girl took issue with it and complained, even though she played music louder before. We argued; I went to the office and told them what happened, and I ended up being suspended for not wanting to give my phone over.

Thankfully, it was a couple of days before a vacation, and I got good after, so.

I dealt with a lot of people who would fight with me (I probably started a lot of them), and I dealt with self esteem issues because, in my mind, I was overweight, ugly, and I couldn’t shut my mouth for five seconds. Everything had to be memememenememene.

I felt that my friends weren’t my friends, that I was just butting in, ruining everything. I’ve been told that someone didn’t wanna be friends with me because I was so rude and I started fights.

Junior year.....

I can’t remember a lot. I remember some.

I remember laughing a lot more. I remember smiling.

But bad beats good..

You see, I’m still overweight, look ugly, and have no real redeeming qualities. I’m super negative about myself, and while I try to be nice to the people I call my friends, I feel as if I’m driving them away.

I still have anger issues that I’m working on. I lost a job because of these issues (actually I just picked up a boy and gave him to his mother and she complained, so))

I argue with freshman boys because they’re pains in the asses who think they’re better than everyone. I was in a cooking class with these boys, and I fucking hated them.

They had a big soap bottle and yet they felt the need to take everyone else’s soap bottles. I got defensive over the things in my kitchen, and they started mimicking me. One even made a poster saying ‘stay out of my kitchen’ and hung it up on my cupboards.

We used brown sugar one day. After cleaning up, I walked off. The teacher came over and said that my kitchen wasn’t clean. I was confused.

Then I saw what she meant.

My clean kitchen, was now covered in brown sugar.

The boys took a handful of brown sugar and just threw it..

They stole other things from our kitchen and mimicked me all the time.

I once wore a Jacksepticeye shirt, and they started saying that ‘Jacksepticeye is gay’ and that he was ‘cancer’.

I told the teacher. The experience made me feel sick to my stomach and made me want To scream because they decided to pick apart something they didn’t know because I wore a shirt of it.

I admit- I was rude and angry and cross with them st times, but the level of things they did...

In this same class, you’re supposed to have four people in a kitchen.

I started out with four people in my group. Then two. The. Three (one was the girl I stopped being friends with). Finally, I was alone. No one wanted to cook with me.

So I made everything myself. I worked better alone, that’s what I always said.

It didn’t stop the pain and loneliness.

Another class I took was for childcare.

Despite being as hardworking as I could and trying to be good at the class, the teacher didn’t like me. I knew it was because I was rude to the other kids at times. I also once had a bad year with her previously.

One day, we needed to group together. I didn’t want to, but she forced me to get into a group.

She claimed I was being antisocial (later she said I was intimidated by the other students) on purpose. It got to the point where a different teacher demanded to know why I chose that day to be antisocial.

There was another day where we had baby food. We tasted some, liked it, and some people called dibs. I didn’t know that the fan had already had a dibs, so I was eating it. Suddenly, the teacher called to attention that the can I held was CLEARLY not mine.

We argued with each other. A girl said I should have been listening and I snapped that she needed to shut her mouth.

I ended up sulking in my chair. I bought a replacement later on (68 cents apparently gets people’s panties in a twist).

The final class I wanna talk about is my PE class. The teacher then had a student learning to be a teacher. She got to host games for a day, and chose a game that she said I could be in a box area for.

Well, a boy threw the ball as hard as he could at me from a few feet away and slammed it into my face. It hurt. I told the teacher/student, but she made everyone to the plank and tried to change the rules. I kept giving her comments, which she said she didn’t want, and I told her she’d get them anyway.

These boys... I HATE.

They could be a step away, and they’d STILL throw the ball as hard as they could! They yelled insults, threw in people’s general direction, and just.. ugh.

[twilightvolt]

A 3 month late art summary featuring art that i haven’t uploaded here due to my absence. unless i randomly feel like it, i don’t think i’m gonna go back and upload them here. if you wanna see them, though, they’re all on my DA.

I know i've pretty much said all the important bits in A Sacrifice for the Wind, but i figure i reiterate everything said along with expanding upon everything that occurred during 2017. piece by piece. and yes, i did intend to make an art joke. So, to get it outta the way, 2017 stunk more than a dead fish on a city bus. i lost a lot during that year. i lost the will to believe in whatever the future had in store for me, i almost lost a few friends, i lost my motivation to work on my projects and above all...i lost the smile i've always kept on every year before that. never have i been so emotionally damaged in all 5 years of my artist life leading up to this point. But, i can't say it was completely terrible. as much as i bashed it, art wise, 2017 was a very progressive year. looking at every wedge on the clock, i can't stop staring at how far i've come since the end of 2016. after being stripped of my tablet at the end, i've even learned how to not be afraid of making permanent mistakes. But yeah, let's begin. by turning the clock all the way back to January. when things were much simpler.... January: Hukaro Nakawa ~Final Mix Yeah, this was done in October, but i uploaded it in January for Moon's birthday. plus, there was nothing noteworthy this month. i still remember all the nice comments i got. this was the beginning of a year that i ran right in and yelled "LET'S SHOW THIS WORLD THAT WE WON'T STAND FOR ANOTHER 2016!" Oh how naive i was... February: The Beast Inside Remember when i played a lot of League in my free time? i sure do. anyway, this was my next attempt after Hukaro to continue doing my "Squeenix Cinematic Style." this time on the, at the time, new revamp for Warwick. needless to say, i still think i did a better job on Hukaro. BUT, this was still pretty good. it was during these first few months when things were really lookin' up for me. i was continually working on things cuz i really wanted to make something and school was pretty cool too. March: Digimon ZX Cover ZX ISN'T DEAD I SWEAR! *ahem* I MEAN....hai. owo As we march on into March, i think R2 of Digimon Temporal Jump was going on at the time. we were going through our story entries and things were pretty great being with my best buds. i also began doing art streams i'm pretty sure, with this drawing in particular being done during two days of streaming. i'm being serious, by the way. ZX is not dead. i've been typing up the story on my phone, so look forward to those chapters sometime soon! April: Are You Ready? Yup. in anticipation for Digidestined.Com, i decided to start seriously developing Digimon Unchained ahead of time so people would be able to get to know Yuki beforehand. unfortunately, i didn't actually get to start the story until much later, but that was just me being a lazy bum. i was hangin' out on Discord and stuff, talking about how excited i was for what was to come. we all know what happened, but at the time, being able to go back to the world i once knew with Luneth was a big deal for me. it's like i was going back to the beginning. And fear not, peeps! i've been working on Unchained for quite awhile. you'd be surprised how much i've worked on it with Gao. ^w^ May: Bits n' Bytes Ultima Vocal Collection Oh yeah, i did a birthday gift for Fire too! just so you know, i do still wanna make OSTs for my other Digimon adventures, but without my tablet i can't really do them right now. this month was pretty alright if i remember. making new friends and strengthening bonds with old friends. things were pretty fun in the sun cuz y'know......summer was coming. June: Connection Flow in Ice and Snow AWWW YEEEAAAAH, LET'S KICK IT!!! *Another Way by Girugamesh plays at full blast* (if .Com had a vocal OST, that would be opening.....3 if i remember the list i made. would've been the final opening i think. it's been awhile since i looked at the files.) Now that .Com finally began, i was on the hype train to the sun as i feverishly worked hard on my .Com stuff. this poster was one of my proudest works this year tbh. i promised i would make something great outta this story. this would be the closure that Luneth and Vivi so desperately needed, and Yuki and Arcus would be the ones to save them and close their book for good. not only that, but i was also graduating high school. after throwing my cap in the air, i said my heartfelt goodbyes to all the friends i've known since elementary and middle school including the close friends in my AP Art Squad. Team AP Art Will Never be Apart! honestly, things couldn't be any more exciting for me. Gee, it would be a shame if something were to happen that would trigger a chain of events that would divide my friends forever and send me down a spiraling pain train to the void known as crippling depression. July: DigiJuly Day 5: V-Mon (Vivi) This drawing was done to commemorate three years of adventures with Luneth and Vivi. this was during DigiJuly, when i was doing Digimon doodles nonstop for the duration of the month. What was once a hype train became a train wreck once July came around. things were ok until DTJ burned down in a raging fire and that set the stage for the rest of the year. i literally wouldn't be able to overcome any of this until November or so. i don't wanna dwell on it anymore since i'd be sounding like a broken record at this point. August: D3P: D-Sona 3 Portable Not a lot of art this month either. can you believe that? XD Hoo boy. August. need i say anything more about this month? we thought things settled down after DTJ shut down, but something was amiss.... This was the month that it happened. the climax of the story best left untold....even though i told it a hundred times already. >_>' Outside of the incident, time was running short for our stay at our current home and we were thinking of our next move. i began to worry about college as steep student debt caused us to have a change of plans on where to go. i was beginning to doubt if i even had a future to believe in. i was running out of options, and i was running out of hope. And trust me, it only gets worse from here. September: The Next Generation After awhile, things were still going on outside my realm of knowledge. it only made me feel worse seeing everything transpire long after the initial conflict. with this stigma hanging over me, i finally decided to pack my bags and leave the Digimon group era of my artist life. it was a pretty sour note to end it on, but let's be real here, there was no way i could wait any longer for things to get better. granted, my birthday was awesome, and i couldn't thank everyone enough for coming together to try to bring my spirit back. unfortunately, my bout with depression was just beginning. it was so bad, i pretty much stopped taking care of myself, which would lead to a few days ago when i'd end up with one less tooth in my mouth. i swear i won't let it get that bad again. With everything plummeting down to the dark abyss, i said goodbye to the life i once knew. from here on, things were about to change. i wasn't gonna end here. not now. October: Howling in the Shadows From this month forth, my family had no idea where we were going. the beginning of the tale of the borderline homeless that still continues to this day. Packing away my computer and drawing tablet for what feels like an eternity, i was moving out of my current home that we rented for the duration of my senior year and into grandma's house......in a raging storm. i'm not kidding. the rain was so bad that when we got there, our clothes were completely soaked and we couldn't even see 5 feet ahead of us outside that night. i knew immediately that it was some sort of ill omen for what was to transpire in the coming months. in fact, i even had dreams of the aftermath of what might happen. Now that i was stripped of my digital art abilities, i had to think of something else to do. so, i decided to dedicate myself to going back to traditional art. Boy, did i have fun. November: Return to the Realm of Sleep Now, this was the only thing i was able to crank out in November. BUT, that doesn't mean i didn't draw. i drew stuff, but nothing noteworthy enough to upload here. i'm gonna tell it to you straight now. Arcus will return. With my mental health still kicking me in the butt (it hit me so hard i had a panic attack one day.), i wasn't really motivated to draw much. in fact, i even hid myself away from the internet for quite awhile. without my friends or my sense of purpose, i felt like i had nothing and i was pretty under the weather for a majority of this month. that being said, i snapped myself out of it by force. it was stupid that i still felt the way i did months after what happened. sure, it was horrible, and i wish i could forget everything. but i can't stay stuck in the past. And so, i picked up my colored pencils and other such tools, and began my journey to recovery. December: Lexicon (Lex) and A Sacrifice for the Wind I got the hang of drawing traditionally pretty quickly. throughout the month, i was on fire, drawing masterstroke after masterstroke. (at least, in my opinion. XD) Making my new home in the mobile communities of Amino, it was a nice change of pace from the big screen of my computer. i made a bunch of new friends (to the staff of the Aminos i'm in and the rest of the crew in our Digimon Discord server, you guys are the best and thank you for healing the pain of yesteryear!) and had a grand old time making new OCs, Lex being one of them. i honestly luv Appmon and i wish we got more, but i'm content with what we got tbh. it'll live on in Seikatsu and his friends. be ready to see them once again in the near future! And so, in the wake of destruction as the world continues to change around me, i chopped off my signature anime emo locks, revamped my wardrobe and set my sights toward the future. Nowadays, i've completely moved on from the pain, but that doesn't change the fact that it still happened. overall, 2017 was a complete pile of poopoo garbage and i'm glad the nightmare is finally over. Even if i can't completely write it off as bad, there's just way too many negatives that weigh down the rest of the year for me personally. it's March now and things are pretty hectic, but i've got newfound courage and i know this year will be better than the last. time for me to get back up and charge forth to a better tomorrow!

[amillionsmiles]

your hair was long when we first met (Pidge/Lance)

Summary: Pidge’s hair grows with the seasons. So do Lance’s feelings. A/N: feelings are hard, kids. written while listening to “No Promises” on repeat so that kind of explains the last scene, I guess. Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

[Read and review over on Ao3] or continue under the cut.

FALL

*

Lance takes a sip of his coffee and immediately regrets it, the liquid scalding his tongue.  His fault—his mug is programmed to alert him of the temperature of its contents, but sometimes he gets too lazy to look at the status bar and decides to risk it the good old fashioned way instead.

The door of the break room opens and Amara enters, blouse perfectly pressed as always.

“Hey,” she greets.

“Hi, Amara.” Lance lifts his mug in acknowledgement.

Amara moves toward the coffee machine, starting it up with a steady whir.  Over the noise, she congratulates: “Good job on bringing in the top numbers again this month.”

Lance smiles, one shoulder pulling higher than the other as he shrugs.  “What can I say? I’m competitive.” He remembers the Garrison, waiting for sim score postings with bated breath.  The very first time he and Keith raced in their Lions, neck and neck.

“You’re going out with us tonight, right? We’re having a mixer with the tech team.”

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Lance winks, and it feels good, to be on top of his game again, to receive Amara’s answering smile and see her tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

Somebody else enters the break room.

“Oh, good, Lance, you’re here.”

Pidge.

He stands a little straighter.  Over Pidge’s shoulder, Amara wiggles her fingers in goodbye, slipping out through the door.  

“What’s up?”

Pidge walks toward him, a data pad clutched in her hands.  “I need a second opinion.  We just had one of our technical writers redo the user manual, but I still want to make sure that it’s not too, you know, science jargon-y.  And you’ve always been good at picking out that stuff…”  She sets the tablet on the counter, swiping to bring up the file; Lance twists to his side, leaning over her shoulder to get a look.  It’s muscle memory, this position—they might as well be poring over battle plans or a holographic projection of a planet.

His eyes swim at some of the paragraphs.  Oh, god, what am I getting myself into— “I could take a look at it over the weekend,” he offers.

Pidge blinks up at him.  “You’re sure?”

“Yeah, no big deal.  Just send me a copy.”    

“Already done.” Pidge brightens, typing in his work email, the data transmitted with a satisfying swish, and it’s comfortable, like this.  Friends who trust each other’s opinions, coworkers who pick each other’s brains.  Teammates.

Lance glances down at the lid of his mug, tries for nonchalant.  “Hey, are you going to the mixer thingy tonight?”

“At Jolie’s?” Jolie’s, the bar just a few blocks away from their work, with the atmospheric blue glass lights and the karaoke stage for when you’re too many drinks in and feel like serenading the whole world with your feelings.  Sales team already has bets going on who will be the first to drunkenly volunteer; currently, the majority favors Jeremy.

“Yeah.”

Pidge considers.  “Probably.  Are you?”

“You know me. Like I could turn down a party,” says Lance, nudging her.

She cracks a smile.  “I’ll see you tonight, then.  And thanks for looking over the manual, seriously.  I owe you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind next time I need somebody’s account hacked.”

“I don’t do that anymore, Lance!” Pidge protests, punching his arm.  Before he can react, she’s by the exit.  He has half a mind to feign injury, if only to prolong their interaction for a few more seconds.

Instead, Lance raises his mug to his lips, taking a long sip.    

His arm throbs.  The coffee slides down his throat: still warm.

*

“Lance! You’re late!”

“Fashionably, I hope,” says Lance, shrugging out of his jacket as he follows Amara toward the bar.  The lights cast everyone in a dark red glow, and for a second he’s back in Red’s cockpit, weaving through space.  His coworkers spin toward him and away like dizzy stars.

Amara leaves his side, drawn by the noise coming from the pool table in the back corner.  Lance orders a glass of scotch, then looks down the bar to see Pidge perched on a stool, dragging her index finger absentmindedly around the sugar-encrusted rim of her drink.  Lemon Drop. Sweet with a dose of sour—classic Pidge.

“So, you come here often?”

She looks up, features relaxing when she recognizes him.  “I was starting to wonder if you were ever going to show.”

“That boring without me, huh.”

“Actually, no, it’s been pretty entertaining.  You missed Eric getting frisky on the dance floor.”

“Aw, man, seriously?” Lance mourns.  “Please tell me you got a recording.”

“Obviously.” Pidge shoots him one of her secretive little smirks.  “I can’t pass up prime blackmail material.”

“So you haven’t left behind your old ways after all.”

“I like having a lot of information at my fingertips,” Pidge justifies, and Lance thinks of the files she’d kept on their team, categorizing strengths and weaknesses.  When he’d first found out, he’d felt a little betrayed; it hurt to think that someone close to him could pick him apart like that, lay him bare on a page.  But he’d come to learn that it was Pidge’s way of caring: a constellation of data points that she drew close to herself, as comfort.  They existed in the flesh, but also as facts and figures—indisputable, something nobody could take away.

Over on the karaoke stage, Jeremy has finally taken the microphone, launching into some ballad from ages ago: I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you—

Lance bumps Pidge’s shoulder.  “I challenge you to a duet.”

She scoffs.  “Please, I’m way too sober.”

“We can fix that.”

Pidge finishes her drink, turning toward him. When she meets his gaze, her eyes are bright with challenge, and Lance lets himself tip a little closer to her gravity.  The pieces will fall where they may.

*

Three hours later finds him standing on the curb, waving his goodbyes.  A warm pleasantness sits in his chest, muscles relaxed.

“I had fun today.”

Lance turns, startled to find Pidge taller than usual.  A glance downwards reveals that she’s wearing a pair of black pumps; it’s the first time he’s noticed them this whole night, and the thought does something funny to his stomach.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Pidge shifts from foot to foot.  Lance resists the urge to smile, already anticipating the next nervous stream of words: “I mean, I like everyone, obviously, I wouldn’t be here otherwise, but you know me, it takes a lot of time for me to really get comfortable and open up and… it was just easier, with you around.”

Don’t read into it, Lance.

“How’d you get here?” he deflects.

“Took the rail link.”

“Yeah, you should probably call a ride to get back instead.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Pidge grumbles, reaching for the clasp of her purse, and Lance remembers the first time they got drunk together.  It’d been after a diplomatic banquet on some planet with two moons. Gathered in the Castle’s lounge, passing around a bottle that was leagues better than nunvill, Hunk had teased Pidge about being the only one of them that had yet to reach drinking age, which set off another argument about laws in space until Pidge said, “Who’s gonna arrest me, the space police?” and grabbed the flask from Lance’s hand.  Which was how Lance learned that, while he and Shiro got affectionate and Keith got contemplative (Hunk, too, but in a more incessantly questioning kind of way), drunk Pidge became grumpy and then sleepy.

The car pulls up.  Lance opens the door for Pidge, watching her slide into the backseat.  “Text me when you’re home safe, I’ll see you on Monday—”

“Lance.” Pidge’s voice is quiet, the barest trace of vulnerability underneath; and that’s bad, because the last time Pidge was vulnerable around him, Lance fucked everything up.  “I want… I want you to see my place.”

He shouldn’t. Bad idea. But Lance has another weakness to add to Pidge’s ongoing list, after all these years: pent-up regret and zero resistance to a certain pair of beseeching brown eyes.

“Okay,” he says, and gets in the car.

*

Pidge is half-asleep when they finally arrive at her apartment building.  Lance leaves the car door open behind him for her to squeeze out of, turning his attention toward trying to guess which of the windows above them is hers.

“Fuck.”

He whirls around.  “Pi—Katie,” he catches himself at the last second, “are you okay?”  

Pidge balances on her left foot, heels clutched in one hand, the other one rubbing her right ankle.  “I’m fine, I just—what are you doing?”

“Come on, I’ll carry you the rest of the way.”

“Lance, the door isn’t that far, and there’s an elevator once we get inside—”

“Are you really going to turn down a free piggyback ride?”

“All right, fine,” Pidge sighs, sliding her arms around his neck.  Lance hooks his arms under her legs, rising slowly to adjust to the weight.  Nobody bats an eye at them when they enter the lobby.  In the elevator, Pidge reaches over his shoulder to press the button for her floor, and her hair brushes against the side of his face, giving him a whiff of her shampoo.  Coconut.

Several minutes later, he stands in the middle of her living room.  Pidge is dozing off again, breath puffing warmly against his neck, and Lance keeps the moment to himself, soaking in his surroundings.  Half-assembled 3D puzzle on the coffee table, a fuzzy blanket thrown over the arm of the couch.  Over in the kitchenette, magnets from the local planetarium adorn the fridge.

Gingerly, Lance navigates through the darkness.  With his foot, he nudges the bedroom door open, the mattress squeaking gently when he sits down on its edge.  He deposits Pidge as slowly as he can, careful not to crush her when he leans back—she makes a soft noise as she untangles from him, stretching out on the bed.  And it’s like one of those tragic Greek myths; he’s Orpheus, unable to stop himself from looking over his shoulder.

Pidge is curled away from him, toward the wall.  Her hair has grown well past her shoulders, now; Lance wonders if she plans on letting it reach mid-back.

His job is done here.  He’s seen whatever it is Pidge wanted him to see.  Turning around, Lance starts to leave.

A tug on the back of his shirt stops him.        

“Wait.”

Pidge might as well have turned an ice cannon on him, for what it does to his body.  Lance swallows.  “I have to go.”

“I know,” Pidge says, and he can hear her body dragging across the sheets, curving toward him.  “Thanks for bringing me home,” she mumbles, words laced with sleep.  “I had fun today.”

“You said that earlier already.”

“That’s not… I meant…” She makes an impatient noise, expelling air through her nose.  Lance can’t help snorting in return; even when drunk, Pidge’s mind moves too fast to pin down.

“I was nervous about tonight,” Pidge finally confesses.  “I was worried things might be weird.”

“Oh.”

“But hanging out with you was… normal.  So I guess that means I must be over it.”

“Over it,” Lance echoes.

“Yeah.”  She sounds relaxed.  Happy, even—like a weight has been lifted.

Lance should be happy, too.

“Whatever it was between us, I don’t care anymore, I just—I just want us to be friends.”

There’s a spot of chipped paint on the wall across from them, right below the light switch.  Indistinguishable to most other people, especially with the room as dark as it is right now, but Lance has always had a marksman’s eye.  He should have seen this coming, probably.  And he can do this: bite the bullet, keep the truth lodged in his chest, no exit wound.

“Yeah,” he says softly, proud of the steadiness of his voice.  “Me, too.” 

*     

“Oh, hey, Allura—ha!” In the split second that Lance spared to glance over his shoulder, Pidge swept his legs out from under him, knocking him flat on his rear.

“Hey!” Lance protested.  “Misdirection! Dirty move!”

“Oldest trick in the book,” said Pidge, beaming smugly.  She pointed her staff at his chest.  “You lose.”

“All right, fine.” Lance dropped his own staff in a gesture of surrender, showing his palms.  He held a hand out.  “Help me up?”

She rolled her eyes but reached down to wrap her fingers around his, grip firm.

Too easy.

Lance tugged.

Down went Pidge, a crash of limbs.  Her elbow caught his side and Lance cursed, wheezing: “Ow, fuck, my ribs—”

“Language,” mocked Pidge.

“Who are you to talk about language, you’ve got the dirtiest mouth out of all of us—”  But that thought cut short, because said mouth was now hovering only a few inches away from his.

In hindsight, perhaps this hadn’t been the greatest idea.

“Lance?” Some of Pidge’s hair had come free of her ponytail, curling in wispy clouds around her face.  She’d decided not to cut it and it hung midway down her back, now.  Lance was prone to tugging it on occasion, just to bother her.  (“Why don’t you ever do that to Allura?” “Because Allura would kill me.” “What, and you think I wouldn’t?” “‘Course not, you’d miss me too much.”)

He swallowed.  What were those lines from Legally Blonde?  “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy.”  That was what this was, probably.  Despite his better judgment, he reached up, tucking one of the loose strands behind Pidge’s ear.  Something had been knocked out of him, in his fall—he took a breath but it didn’t quite fill his lungs.

“Right here.”

Here, in the slowly shrinking space between them—and then their mouths were touching, Pidge’s lips soft and slightly chapped against his, and this wasn’t a moment he’d dreamt of but his hands moved of their own accord, found the tie in her hair and pulled it free, gently, tresses spilling through the gaps between his fingers, Pidge pushing down on him until it felt like he’d sink straight through the floor—

Oh, god.  They were on the floor. Of the training room. Where anyone could walk in—

“Pidge, wait.” Lance broke away, even more winded than before.  “What are we doing?”

She blinked at him.  Color was rising to her cheeks, but her voice remained remarkably level as she said: “I thought it was pretty obvious.”

“No, I meant,” he propped himself up on an elbow, gesturing between them with a finger, “this.”

Pidge sat back on her heels. Wary.  “I like you, Lance.”

It should have been a no-brainer, after what had just occurred between them, but Lance still felt as if he’d been clobbered over the head.  It must have seeped into his expression, because Pidge scowled.

“You don’t have to look so surprised.  Objectively, you’re not… you’re not bad-looking, and you get me differently from the others, and you make me laugh, so really, out of everyone on the ship—”

And there were the words he’d been dreading.

“Don’t say that.”

“Say what?” Pidge frowned.

“You said: ‘Out of everyone on the ship.’  That’s settling. That’s talking like we’re never going to get back to Earth.”

Pidge’s eyes widened.  “Lance, that’s not what I mean.”

“Think about it.  We’ve been up here for what, four years?  Spending time with the same company day in and day out, it might just be—” He made a halfhearted motion with his hand.  “Cabin pressure?  Stir craziness?  Things get a little weird but that doesn’t—that doesn’t make me the one.”

“What makes you so sure you aren’t?” Pidge’s voice had gone dangerously quiet.

“I just—” He didn’t know why he was sabotaging himself like this.  He’d been chasing a relationship for so long, it felt, and now here it was, literally in his lap.  But the words came anyway: “What about all the places you haven’t been yet, and all the people you haven’t met?  I don’t want that to get forfeited for… me.”

“Lance.” Pidge’s fingers dug into the cloth of his shirt, just above his heart. “It doesn’t have to be this whole future planned out.  What about right now?”  Her eyes bore into his.  “Right here?”

It wasn’t that he didn’t believe people could have more than one love, over a lifetime.  If anything, Lance believed in an abundance of affection.  But something had shifted, and he didn’t know how to tell Pidge that he couldn’t talk about a here and now without wanting the promise of a future, and the yearning split him in two, because if— when —they got back to Earth, they’d probably be going after different things.  A sadness overtook him, for something he hadn’t even lost yet.

Pidge mistook his silence for disagreement.

“You could just tell me, you know,” she said lowly.  “If you don’t feel the same.”

And with that, she stood up.  Her weight lifted from his chest.

He didn’t breathe any easier.

Long-range fighting had always been Lance’s strength, and he understood it better, now.  It messed you up so much more when you could see the hurt you inflicted up close.  He could fix this—a few words and they’d be back on track, the misunderstanding smoothed over—but maybe it was for the best, to quit while they were ahead.  To manage the hurt while they were still Lance and Pidge and not Lance-and-Pidge.  They were going to get back to Earth, eventually, and she would go to her mom and he would find his way back to Varadero so didn’t it make sense, to not make any promises?

He didn’t want to be responsible for holding anyone back.

The training room doors slid shut.

[suchawonderfullife]

Day 14-15: End of week 3, neurotransmitters, EMDR and preparing to go home

So I had a break from some of the therapies to help my body cope better. On day 14 we tested exactly what parts of my limbic system are fractured. What came up was: midbrain, cingulate gyrus, basal ganglia, amygdala and frontal cortex. My Dr gave me a book that I mentioned in my previous post about repairing the limbic system. I’ve read up to chapter 5 so far and it has answered a lot of questions. It has also confirmed a lot of things regarding my behaviours and emotional responses to things. 

I’ve spent many years in therapy and really believe in personal development. So I’ve read books on CBT, mindfulness and doing anything I can to improve my mindset and understand why I am the way I am. I believe I have issues of abandonment from my childhood and my Dr confirmed this in further testing he did within my limbic system. I also have multiple traumas from car accidents and sexual assaults. My Dr talked in a video he uploaded about a trauma he experienced when he witnessed a car accident and how that fractured his limbic system. After he witnessed this accident he then couldn’t drive down that same road without panicking. His fight or flight response was activated and it was sending him warning signals when in reality there was no real danger. I had the same experience, except more extreme after my first car accident. 11 years later I still have PTSD like responses in a car, especially if I’m a passenger. So I now know that this is my limbic system firing warning signals, which are involuntary and subconscious. It also by-passes the logical part of your brain, so you cannot reason or calm down this response with logical thinking. It is your brain’s way of protecting you. It’s just that it’s ability to assess threats and need for warning you, are now messed up and needs to be re-wired. 

My Dr recommended I find an EMDR practitioner back home. The book I’m reading is for DNRS training, which is only available in USA or Canada and attending a seminar is very expensive. You can buy the DNRS DVD’s however my Dr said it takes a lot of commitment to keep up with the DVD and (for my personal needs), EMDR training with a practitioner would work best to start off with. My dad researched practitioners back home and found a few in my area. He also found out that I can get a referral from my GP and possibly be able to get these appointments bulk-billed. If not, I can at least get 10 sessions with a % paid by medicare. 

On Day 15 we looked at treating my neurotransmitters. I also asked my Dr if I could use float tanks when I return home as a friend asked me if I’d like to go with her. He said it would be totally fine, but it is not for detoxing (which I knew). It is simply a good way to relax and possibly reach a meditative state (from my understanding). Which I am all for, as working on my mind and keeping myself calm and grounded is very important through this healing process. I also asked him about detox devices to possibly use at home, such as an ionic foot bath. He said that an ionic foot bath actually doesn’t detox. Many years ago it was thought that this is what it did, but it doesn’t. It actually works the same as himalayan salt lamps or being near the ocean. Meaning it helps put negative ions into your body (that’s what I understand about it anyway). If you disagree that’s fine. He said it’s still good for you and negative ions are a good thing to be around, but it’s not a necessity (for me) as it doesn’t detox. He said if I could afford anything, the Bemer (behmer?) is best. However, it costs around $6,000US haha! Oh to dream! 

I told him how my partner and I played a strategy game last night called Splendor. It is quite complex as you need to be able to multitask by watching what your opponent is doing and potentially sabotaging them, whilst trying to build your own game and keep track of what’s going on on the board. My brain really struggled with this. In the first round I couldn’t multi-task and just had to simply focus on myself. Realising my brain couldn’t do what I wanted it to was frustrating. However, by the second game it’s as if my brain had gotten used to that way of thinking and I found it easier to play. I then won the second game and did even better again in the third game. This shows how the brain is like a muscle and that working on things, it can improve. My Dr said that playing games like that was good for my brain. The same goes for playing the piano (I’ve played for 16 years but struggle with short-term memory loss and sometimes cannot work my brain well enough to play at all). Anything you can do that challenges your brain, he recommends. 

Anyway, back to the neurotransmitters. He explained all about what a neurotransmitter is and why they are not working properly for me. He said that neurotransmitters are the chemicals that carry transmissions in the brain. I can’t remember clearly everything else he explained along with that. What I do remember, is that all nerves have little junctions through them, they are not just a straight nerve. So the messages must be able to pass through these junctions. I think what he explained is that the messages struggle to pass through these junctions for me, not entirely sure. There is something wrong with them too though. He also drew a diagram of my intestine with the little “villi” that line the cells and absorb nutrients. Something is wrong with those as well that ties into it all, so we have to rebuild those. There was also something of relevance called GABA (Gaba amino, Butyric acid). They are coupled as GA and BA and need to work together. He tested me on these things and I came up as toxic for Glutamate (which controls fight or flight response) and is found in one of the GA or BA group. I am also toxic in Taurine which is found in the opposite group of the glutamate, which makes things tricky as each of their “partners” I am deficient in. He also said I have an acetylcholine deficiency and I was exposed to some sort of toxic garden chemical at some point in my life that helped contribute to these issues (he said the name of it).

I take L-Glutamine at night and have done so for over 5 years. L-Glutamine (same as Glutamate) helps rebuild gut bacteria. My Dr is not liking me taking it, but I feel that when I do not take it, my depression kicks in. He said that because glutamate is an “upper,” he is not surprised that I experience depression when not taking it. My body came up as toxic to it though, meaning I have far too much in my body. So hopefully I can find a way to wean off it without it creating depression. My Dr said he would rather me stay on it than it triggering my depression. 

To counteract these problems, he tested me for different remedies and I have to take a spray along with specific tablets 2x a day to help rebuild the lining in my gut which will then have an effect on the neurotransmitters (I think that’s how it works anyway). He said the tablets I have to take will give me “growing pains” in my gut, the same as when you’re a child and you go through a growth spurt and experience discomfort. I’ve taken these tablets for 3 days now and notice that I do get some cramping or feeling a bit “yuck” in my stomach, but he said that if it becomes unbearable I can take the tablets with food to ease that discomfort. 

I know I didn’t explain that very well, but I’m going off the notes I have (which wasn’t a lot as he was drawing a lot and explaining things quickly) and my memory sucks haha. It’s now a 4 day weekend here for Memorial Day so I have 4 days off treatment before returning on Wednesday. This actually works out well as my Dr said it will be good to give my body a decent break to see how it copes just before I return home. My friends that have already gone home, it seems they experience a challenging transition as their body is no longer receiving the supporting therapies everyday, yet they are taking all their new supplements and remedies and their body is going through a heavy detox. So some are not feeling the greatest (but have also had to return to work and caring for children) and are finding ways to help their body through this process as they are removing toxic entities faster than their bodies can expel it. The clinic gives you information to take home on ways to detox and my friends have said when they do those things they do feel a lot better.  

For me, my body is having a bit of a hard time. I feel tired a lot. Not really a fatigue, but more like a strong tiredness you feel when you are sick with the flu and your body just wants to be lazy and sleep. I’ve been spending a lot of this weekend on the couch and taking naps. I get small windows of energy, so we head out and have all these plans, but my body has usually had enough half way through our first plan, so we return home and I rest again. I’ve been having detox baths everyday with epsom salts and selected essential oils and this definitely helps. Today I started to feel more and more unwell. Just this all over toxic feeling, headache, nausea and tiredness. So I had a detox bath and this halved my symptoms. 

I’m not bedridden or “seriously ill” (compared to what I’m used to anyway. A healthy person may think they’re dying if they were in my body, but when you’ve been sick for a long time, your scale of a little unwell to really sick becomes quite different). I know this is my body getting rid of bad stuff and healing. It is working really hard and I am grateful. I have many symptoms that are pretty mild or that come through for a minute and then disappear. I rate my symptoms at a 6/10, so I keep telling myself of how it could be worse and I’m doing OK. Today I don’t feel like leaving the house, I’ve spent the day either on the couch or in the bath. But I can get up and do small things, talk and somewhat function. In regards to returning home, I’m preparing myself mentally for the amount of work it is going to take daily for me to do everything that needs to be done, for my body to heal and to adhere to all the clinic has taught and given me. 

I will probably need to have at least 1 detox bath and sauna per day. I will need to see an EMDR practitioner. I will be taking all my tablets and tinctures multiple times a day (this factors into leaving the house or eating out as I need to plan around taking all this). I’ll need to expend a lot of energy on my diet, ensuring I eat as healthy as possible, juicing, cooking from scratch, making soups with bone broth etc. I have brain exercises to do, many books to read and also need to work on my spiritual and emotional well-being. This includes going outside everyday and grounding my body. Yesterday I was feeling my usual heavy tiredness and I forced myself to go sit outside on the grass. I just sat there and picked grass out the ground (my Dr said to do something distracting that connects you with the earth such as pull weeds). Half an hour of this and I went back into our room feeling a little more restored.

That’s all for now. I had to wait for a big window of energy to write this. I’m looking forward to my final tune-ups Wed-Fri. Then we are flying to LA on Sunday and back home to Australia the following Wednesday. I am hoping my body is not THIS tired for my flights, but I will do my best to maintain positivity and keep telling myself it’ll be ok. The universe usually pulls through and works in my favour.