#I drew another sketch last night but realized I haven’t posted this one so. this one gets priority

[zeb-z]

change is a fundamental part of life

we must carry on

[mcrmadness]

Rambling about my (dä fan)art...

I was writing another post and this kinda got out of hand and turned into me talking about my art overall. I’m gonna put this under the cut because I don’t know if people are interested in my art nor especially in my thought about it and my “art history” basically, but if you are, then I hope you enjoy.

And yes, this is gonna be about my die ärzte fanart mainly!

So let’s start with the HELL coverart drawing because that’s what I was talking about originally:

I’m extremely happy with how the drawing turned out in the end and I like that feeling of success when I’m happy with something I have created. That is not always self-evident with myself. More than often I have plain hated my drawings or have felt like there should be something done differently, or something that I could always improve at and do better. So this feeling where I’m actually content and happy with what I have created is something new and different. I have a dopamine rush every time I look at that drawing. I like the drawing. I think it looks nice. And I’m extremely happy about this fact and I am not afraid of admitting it. Perfectionism is a curse and a gift. It can sometimes make your life a living hell when something that is perfectly good still feels like it’s not enough. When everyone else sees that what you have done is actually good or even great but your brain just keeps repeating how it’s shit and everyone else is just delusional and that they don’t see what you see. And this is like the polar opposite of that feeling. It wasn’t other people who were delusional, it was you and youself all along. You were the one seeing the image in your head and the drawing not matching that image. Other people saw only what you had created and couldn’t compare it to anything. And that doesn’t mean it was never good.

So whenever I do these comics and comic style drawings nowadays, I just feel so happy. I feel that I am no longer failing them, I feel like I can draw the image I see in my head. I finally feel like I can draw, I have some skills, I’m not a professional and maybe not as good as everyone else but I’m good at what I’m doing. This is my thing and I’m good at it and it’s enough. And I love it when I feel like I’m improving. For years I felt like I was stuck, like my skills would have been glitching somehow, I didn’t get better no matter how much I drew. But I guess I tried too much and was too harsh on myself because I believed that a drawing is good only when no reference photos have been used. And I sucked at drawing without them. I still do! I was staring at the Hell coverart the whole time I was drawing! I wouldn’t have been able to do this if I didn’t! And this feels particularly good also because this is the first time I have tried something different with these comics. I have never tried to draw a photo or existing picture with this style. I have only drawn my comics and those I have created all by myself. The clothes come from what I have seen in videos and photos but the plots are created by me alone, with a idea coming from somewhere actual usually, as inspirations do.

For comics I do look at reference photos of people sitting or standing, or I look at the mirror, or even take photos of my own hand to be able to draw something. And that’s lots of fun and also challenging because I’m mixing there my old habit of portrait drawing with my less serious comic book style but I really really do like the combination. It also makes me feel that I am memorizing what I draw and the next time when I need to draw that same posture, I no longer need the reference photos because they’re no in my brain. And in my muscle memory. My hand remembers how to do the lines now.

Here you can see one of the sketches I did in 2018 - I had this image in my head and I wanted to draw it and I just... drew it in my sketchbook. Didn’t use pencil. But now I’ve noticed I like doing these on proper paper instead of the sketchbook AND it’s so much more fun to first draw the sketch with the pencil and then draw on it with the fineliners. That I have always done with the comics (apart from one) because they take more time than these quick sketches. But here you can see Farin’s legs on the first image - I think I might have looked at reference photos for that but then it was so much easier to do the to the comic I made in 2019.

I have now also figured out that a big part of my style is not to draw just simple straight lines. I like making those sketch-like lines even with the marker. They look more rough but that’s something I like seeing with my art. That’s what I was missing when I was staring at the lines I had drawn before and hated every detail of them. They were too clean and neat.

^These two I have also drawn on my sketchbook in 2018 and I don’t really know why. I guess I was still a bit stupid and didn’t really realize I’m drawing again. But anyway, they both were inspired by my own fanfiction I have written a long time ago. It’s one of my favorite self-written fanfics and it had these two scenes I just saw in my head and felt like I could try drawing them. Maybe that’s why they are in my sketchbook, I wasn’t sure if they were going to turn out even good... The marker around the second one obviously was shit and the paper wasn’t good for it, and I never finished with it so it looks a bit weird. Do I need to say that I really enjoy drawing very small, repetative details, like those tiles? It’s so soothing, almost like a therapy.

I think that quitting antidepressants in 2013 has done so much good for my creativity. If you compare my work from 2011 to 2019, the difference is huge - all are just parts from my comics:

Can you guess see the difference? But have to admit I am jealous for myself for how I have drawn Farin’s hair to the 2011 one and maybe have forgotten to color Farin’s arm but... I actually had so long pause from drwing (~8 years) that I forgot how I did that and had to use THAT as a reference when I was trying to draw late 80s Farin’s at some point last or this year :D

Anyway, my style with the shadows is a little different when I use colored pencils than when I use markers. This is from my latest comic from this year, where I experimented with Promarkers the way I had never done before and I really like how it came to be:

I have owned this set of Promarkers (black + 5 greys) for years and have never really used them, apart from the black which I usually used for the thick lines anyway. And wanted to see if I could find some use for the greys too! (Yes that’s Bela back there - this comic was an alternative ending for Für Immer music video :D)

And I wanna end this post with a face progress comparison for all three. During this I also noticed that before I used to draw their side profiles and it was really difficult to find images where I’d have drawn from from the front. And nowadays I have mainly drawn them from the front and it’s hard to find side profiles! Interesting! Here’s one of Farin and Bela from a drawing I made this year:

Also the hand that was so much fun to draw but I also took photos of my own hand in that posture in order to even draw that - that was fun! :D

But here are the last three images - using the HELL one as the last for each, of course:

Bela has always been the easiest to draw. And the first one of these three is actually from my first ever Bela&Farin comic! I didn’t color their skin back then. With the next ones I already did color their skins too but I used darker colors to do the shadows. Nowadays I do the shadows with fineliners. Or it depends - that 2019 one doesn’t have that lol.

Damn it was so difficult to find something where I’d have draw Farin from the front :D And I see the HELL one literally is my second (or third) time drawing Farin with his grin. Or if you count all those numerous extra mouths I drew because I failed the first one, then I have drawn his grin at least 15 times by now. I probably can draw his teeth with no reference photos from now on.

I haven’t drawn Rod too many times. I can actually count about... 5 times? And then there’s only 2 times when I’ve drawn his side profile but he’s at the background. I don’t know if I’ve ever really succeeded at that, I usually try to draw his head a more round and his eyes smaller than for Bela and Farin and I was actually bit worried for the HELL one and was wondering if I’m going to ruin the whole thing. But in fact, that was actually easiest of them to draw. And STILL I’m surprised by how alike he looks in that last one. In fact, I think his dacial features are perfect for a carricature drawing so you don’t need to do more than a few lines for the mouth and it looks like his mouth. The middle one was for a drawing I made for a friend and with this I actually looked at photos so that I could draw some of his hairstyles from the 90s and I liked this one the best and it was also quite easy to draw too.

Do I even have to say that I’m not extremely motivated what comes to drawing? I feel like my creative has become what it has never been before. I still don’t really know what to draw but I just feel that whatever it is I’ll start next, it will be good. And if it doesn’t... who cares? I had so much fun with those extra mouths  of Farin which was maybe visible from the video I filmed, and that is what makes drawing worth it. Before I took the drawing process so seriously and a mistake felt like the end of the world but now I laugh at them and make fun of them and don’t take them too seriously. And I always have ways to fix these, or I can redraw. Just like I did with Farin’s mouth (or a half of his face actually) for this newest drawing. The most important thing is that I’m having fun and enjoying what I do, that way usually the outcome will also be a success.

I have now at least 2 dä comics on my to-do list (I don’t remember if there’s a third one too) + one pencil drawing that is halfway there. It will take one more night/day for it to get it finished. I also have probably 5 ideas for self-comics etc. in my sketchbook and I try to find some time to work on those. Or actually I have a plenty of time. Adhd, time blindness and executive dysfunction just make it feel as if I didn’t :D Can’t wait to get working on my next drawing projects, tho!

(I wish I knew how to make art for a living even but that’s a topic that will need its own post which I’m probably do in a near future if I don’t forget :D)

[smolfangirl]

Drawing the line

For a fic I had no plot idea for, this turned out quite long :D It’s an artist au with some inspiration from @over-the-pink-moon lovely moodboards *-* Also thanks to @miris-xo for helping me to find anything related to a plot. I hope you enjoy this, especially since I might not have a lot of internet to post new things over the next two months at the end of the world ^^

Word count: 2.9k

///

She always leaves a trace when she walks out of his place. A pencil or a brush on the kitchen table, a quick sketch or color study left to dry on his desk. Once he finds a cup with paint water forgotten by the sink. Her thoughts remind Matteo of the TV screens in a tech store – five different movies playing and without the sound, nothing makes sense. As soon as she begins to pack up, new ideas flicker through her mind, so she simply forgets what remains out of her immediate sight.

But he doesn’t mind cleaning up after her.

Instead, he puts on the playlist inspired by her and wanders through every room, searching for her clues. If he’s lucky she forgot something important and asks him to meet up between classes. Some days (mostly Tuesdays) she even asks him if he wants to tag along to the cafeteria. He never says no.

Today, she forgot her notebook on the couch. Luna has been doodling in it while he discussed the grocery list with Gastón, and the moment he walked up to the couch again, she tossed it away like it was on fire. Before he could ask, she pretended to be deeply lost in filling the canvas with colors.

In moments like these he’d trade his first guitar for a glance into her mind.

The notebook feels heavy in his hands as he picks it up. It’s not the small sketchbook she uses for first drafts and carries around everywhere. And, from experience, forgets everywhere too. He’s only seen the fancy sketchbook two times before, and both times she threatened him to not even blink at it or she’ll ruin his mom’s gift the night before her birthday.

Nothing tempts him more than to sneak a glimpse at whatever Luna is trying to hide from him.

///

To Luna: How much is your nice sketchbook worth to you?

///

The moment she holds it in her hands again, she sighs so loud that the people around them turn around and stare. “And you didn’t look inside? Not even once?”

“Is that how little faith you have in me? After all the times I brought you your other sketchbook, or your brushes, or those funny little sponges and…”

“Okay, okay,” Luna mutters, one hand playing with her hair, “I get it. I shouldn’t come over to work on that painting for your mom anymore, given how much stuff I forget every time.”

She wants to walk right past him, into the cafeteria, but Matteo follows her with ease. A smirk rests on his mouth. “That’s not what we agreed on, and you know that.”

With an eyeroll, she takes a step back to let three guys leave the aisle with their heavy trays. When she’s by Matteo’s side again, a corner of her mouth twitches slightly upward. “Just for the record, none of the people I made commissions for so far asked to watch me while I’m working. Only you did.”

“Because I’m curious to see how the magic happens. And didn’t you say you usually don’t do commissions? That this was an exception for being the hero who gave you your sketchbook back?” Five times, to be exact. How anyone could forget the same thing, in the same classroom, five weeks in a row, remains a miracle to Matteo. But no matter the reasons why, he’s happy to have found her along with the book.

They reach the dessert bar. Luna begins to heap chocolate pudding into a bowl, one arm awkwardly clenching her sketchbook. Matteo watches her for a moment, then snickers. “Do you want me to hold this for…”

“No!” She doesn’t even let him get to the end of the question. “I’m good, you don’t have to.” Realizing she had just shouted at him, she flinches. “Thanks, but no. Just pick a dessert, okay? I’ll pay.”

He chooses a strawberry cheesecake.

///

“So, did you cook this or did your mom make that for you?” he asks after they sit down at the only free table for two, nodding towards her lunchbox.

“My mom. If I tried this, everything would look like a giant mess of green pasta.”

Matteo shakes his head in amusement and chews on his homemade sandwich. “Damn, the poor spinach.”

“How’s your sandwich?” She drowns the latest bite with a sip from her water bottle, and her eyes linger on his cheesecake long enough for him to consider teasing her about it.

Instead, he puts on a smirk. “Good, of course. I just prepared it before my first class.”

They eat in silence. It’s a nice contrast, Matteo thinks, because so far, they have always been interrupted by one of her friends. And they were nice, they chatted and laughed with him, but he’d rather sit in silence with Luna alone than to engage in meaningless small talk with her friends.

“So, you haven’t answered my question yet.”

The first spoon with chocolate pudding just went into her mouth, and she looks at him out of wide, beautiful eyes. “Huh?”

“I asked you if you lied to me when you said you didn’t do commissions.”

“Oh.” Another spoon of pudding. She’s still staring at him, half lost in thought again. He wonders if she’d let him get away with stealing a taste of her dessert. (Or of her lips.) “Well, I didn’t lie. I used to make a few back in high school. But I’ve only drawn for fun since I started uni.”

“Then I’m glad you made that exception for me.”

“You mean for your mom?”

“Yeah.”

///

She’s biting her lip again. She always does when she’s thinking about which part to paint next, and in those moments, Matteo has to remind himself that he should appear interested in what she’s doing, and not in her. Perhaps she believes he actually wants to learn about the right paper, or proper colors, but mostly he wants to learn about her. About the dimples in her cheek when she laughs, and the sensation of her fingertips on his skin. One time she forgot her hair tie, so some strands of her opened curls kept falling into her face, like a frame to a masterpiece, and in that moment, he wished he knew how to pin her beauty down on paper.

“Do you draw people too?”

“Is that your way of asking if I would draw you?” She doesn’t even look up from her canvas, just frowns at it as she dips her brush into her mixed shade of light blue again.

Matteo huffs, robbing an inch closer to her with his chair while he scans her face for a reaction. “Is that your way of telling me you thought about drawing me? Because I was just curious, to be honest.”  And if, in fact, she did want to stare at him for hours to get the most delicate lines of his smile right, he’d be the last person to object.

No reply. The movements of her brush are the only sound in the living room. By now Matteo finds a rhythm in those movements, a melody he misses when she’s gone, sometimes.

Luna sighs. The brush pauses in its dance over the canvas. “Your curls would be a nightmare to sketch.”

“Wow, thanks. What have I done for you to be in such a good mood today?” (So far, she barely smiled at him, and he longs for a fraction of her focus.)

For the first time this afternoon, she turns away from her painting and gives him her full attention. “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. I like your hair.”

“You do?”

Her eyes pin down the paper on the table. “Yeah. I mean, the curls suit you, and they look super soft somehow. But I couldn’t do them justice on paper.”

Luckily, she already focuses on her painting again before he can’t contain the smile on his lips.

///

He thinks of her constantly. Not as much when he has a task to focus on, or when he’s with his friends or classmates. His imagination waits for him to be alone, when he stands in the middle of the supermarket aisle and can’t decide on what kind of pasta to buy, when his thoughts stray away from the lecture he’s supposed to follow. As soon as he’s alone with his mind, she’s everywhere.

Right now, Matteo walks home from the bus stop down the street and plays through a conversation where she admits she likes him just as much. Then, he makes up a scene where he catches her drawing him. As he opens the door to the apartment building and fumbles with the key for his mailbox, the Luna from his imagination is blushing wildly while he tells her how wonderful exactly he thinks she is.

There’s a yellow envelope in his mailbox. Bright yellow, the color of sunflowers in August, and no post stamp. It surprises him enough to shush every thought of Luna, at least for a moment. As he takes the stairs, he reads his name written in neat, cursive letters again and again, as if they’d reveal their secret like that. Finally, he glances at the back of the envelope, to discover Luna’s signature.

His feet freeze on the spot.

She sent him something, and it’s definitely not his mom’s birthday gift. They had lunch together yesterday, and she didn’t mention anything that could explain why she left an envelope in his mailbox. He has no idea what it hides, and now his heart is beating against his chest as he takes two steps at a time.

///

It’s a sketch. Of him.

There’s no note attached, not even a date. Just his face on an otherwise blank sheet. The smile she drew radiates the same feeling he gets in his stomach every time she laughs, and she added a sparkle to his eyes he never found in them himself. He wonders how she managed to make his curls look like they’re about to bounce out of the paper, and how long she studied him without him noticing. The mere idea heats his chest up.

If this is how Luna sees him, he might be the luckiest guy in this world.

///

Matteo thanks her for this drawing five times, and one more time as she walks through his door two days later. A smile graces her lips, and her hug surrounds him with her scent that never quite seems like perfume.

“How are you?” she asks, spreading brushes on the living room table.

“Fine. And you?” Do you randomly draw your friends all the time? Or is there the tiniest chance I’m more than just a weird guy who pays you for drawing a picture in front of him?

Those questions don’t leave his mouth. Instead, Matteo sits down next to her and listens to her explanations on drawing open water. Meanwhile, he imagines taking her to his parents’ beach house in Italy.

“So, I think I could be finished with this next week. When was your mom’s birthday again?”

In the last moment, he holds back the sigh that tries to slip over his lips. “In two weeks.” In two weeks, this will be over. Luna will draw at her desk at her home, and exams will be inching too close to waste a full hour with him in the cafeteria. The semester is coming to an end, merciless in its rush of time, and he still has no idea how he’s going to see her again.

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Yellow,” Luna replies. “And yours?”

Matteo twirls his spoon in the coffee cup. (She almost dipped her brush into it three times today.) “Blue. Mixed with yellow, it’d be green, right?”

She rewards him with a smile along with her nod. “Yeah.” While she goes on about green and turquoise and color names he never heard of before, his gaze gets lost on her, dragging his thoughts along to the moon. The delicate skin around her eyes wrinkles because she’s smiling so much. Between teal and seaweed green, he stumbles upon the realization of how bright and clear her iris is. Like a gem stone carved out of the earth, polished just so the light could bring his miniature reflection in them alive.

“Like your eyes”, he mumbles, not fully aware his mouth turned his thoughts into words for her to hear.

Luna pauses. “What?”

Matteo clears his throat. “They’re super green.” Quieter, he adds, “And they’re beautiful.”

“Thanks.” Nothing more than a whisper, but her blushing cheeks say enough.

///

The week passes too quickly. He can’t afford to daydream during classes yet curses himself for letting time run out of his hands. Friday night brings him dreams of her, and he shrieks up an hour before his alarm clock. His mind is a Ferris wheel, high and low, Luna and his finals take turns riding it up to the moment she finally rings his door.

For the first time since they met, she’s wearing a dress. Mentally, he congratulates himself for changing into jeans and a decent shirt a few minutes ago, while he also has to fight the urge to stare at her for too long. He’s almost afraid of embracing her during their hug.

“That dress looks amazing,” he says. She hugs him tighter.

///

“I’m gonna miss you sitting here.”

Luna is almost finished, the last strokes of the brush, the last corrections and soon, she’ll scribble her signature into the corner. He doesn’t want her to leave, he doesn’t want to say goodbye to her after handing her the money he still owes her, and he doesn’t want to admit to himself that he screwed this up. It’s a desperate statement he lets slip out in resignation, and it’s of little comfort that his voice doesn’t tremble.

A hesitant smile sits on her lips as she glances at him. “I’m gonna miss you too.” Her honesty catches him off guard, allows him to hope, to search for right way to ask her out, but before he gathers a single word, she clears her throat. “It’s gonna be weird not having you watch me anymore. I mean, not that I’ll have time to draw during finals.”

Matteo silently nods. Inside, everything screams at him to take a chance before the paint dries and the ending can’t be changed anymore. “What’s the weirdest thing for you about drawing?”

A few seconds pass before she answers. Their knees bump into each other under the table, and he apologizes without meaning it one bit.

“Sometimes, when I look at people, I don’t really see them because I start to think about how I’d draw them. It’s like… picking them apart into single shades. Circles and squares and all that.”

His eyes dart towards the window, to buildings hiding the clear blue sky. He holds the air in his lungs, thinks twice, then jumps into the cold water. “Is that what you did too when you drew me?”

“Kinda.”

Silence. He catches her gaze. His breath hitches. “Drawing you was… different.”

“How so?” He knows they’re tip-toeing around each other, round and round, closer to a moment that’ll inevitably change something. Maybe even them. Hopefully.

“I’m not sure I can explain it.”

He doesn’t ask a second time.

///

The last brush is clean, the sketchbook back in her bag. He watches her as she puts on her shoes, heart racing in his chest. The clock next to the wardrobe ticks mercilessly, he can count along when Luna faces him, and they stare at each other out of words. Out of time.

“Thank you.”

She smiles. “Thank you too. I hope your mom will like it.”

“I’m sure she will.”

Her arms around his neck, one last time. Her scent in his nose, her curls falling into her face as they break apart. She hasn’t even left, and he already misses her.

“So, I guess I’m gonna go home now.” Her hand lingers on the doorknob.

“Good luck for studying,” he replies. The door opens. Ask her, say it, keep her here, if only for a second. With one step, she’s in the hallway. Turns around, grimaces. “Bye, then.”

His voice sounds hoarse. “Bye.”

The door closes. He let her go, he didn’t do any of the things he’s been dreaming, hoping for, and he’s the only one to blame. Matteo sighs, closes his eyes, curses.

The doorbell rings. With a frown on his forehead, he opens.

“Luna?”

“I forgot my bag.”

He steps away, and she hushes inside. “I’m sorry, sometimes I don’t know where my head is,” she says. Rambles. Her cheeks have turned into a soft pink. “Anyway, I’m gonna leave you alone now. Greet Gastón from me, okay?”

“Wait.” A plea, crossing his lips at the speed of light. Suddenly, Matteo feels afraid and brave at once, hesitant and determined. If this is his last chance, he won’t waste it. “Can I see you again?”

///

He still searches for her traces when she leaves. They’re not scattered around his apartment anymore, though, they’re all over his skin. A soft kiss, a delicate touch. Sometimes, a hint of paint when he got a little too impatient. Once, between his bedsheets, she whispers that he could be her new canvas. Matteo presses his lips on her temple and prays that she’ll never be done with him.

[yuniesan]

Girl Meets Season 6 - Episode Sixteen – Girl Meets Self-Defense

Synopsis: The Journey from High School and into College will test everything Riley knew about her life, her friendships and her love. What life lessons will she learn in her first year of college?  

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15]

A/N: So in DaisyAngel (on ff.net) said in one of the comments someone mentioned Maya's mother having the baby, because I used the sole focus on the first half of this on Riley, Lucas, and Zay, I never got to tell you all about the little bundle of joy, it's a boy, they named him Jonathan Chester Hunter, it's one of the reasons Maya spent so much time at home in the city on the weekends. Cory and Topanga are his godparents, and while Riley was so mixed up in helping Zay, she didn't miss anything because Josh kept her up to date, along with her parents, and I swear at some point I'm going to have to do outtakes, maybe mini drabbles, on all of these stories, because there was a lot of stuff that I took out from each season that I couldn't put in.

Sadly I couldn't finish both parts to post them today, because someone called out at work and I didn't have time to finish the second part to this.

Big note on this, I planned to write this a long time ago, yes it deals with the possibility of sexual assault, and mentions of consent and drugging, when I have chosen to write this, it had been before well before the hearings back in September. The reason why I had chosen to write this is because where I work, which is a college library, we have to have training for this and many other things that pertain to title IX, if you're not in college yet look up the law, it's meant to protect your rights if someone attacks you on campus. The talk that Riley has with her mother is actually the talk my mother gave me growing up because New York is a big city and there's always the possibility of something happening. The key thing is something I do when I'm walking home late at night, my phone is always in my pocket, and you can tap an SOS signal on the phone by pressing the power key three times and it will alert 911 to your location. I have an android phone but all phones are equip with this feature so look it up. No one ever has the right to take anything from you without your permission.

P.S. There will be more fluffy parts after this, so don't worry about that, this is just something I had wanted to do because they had done it on BMW, except this is a more modern take on the whole thing.

Also three updates in a row!!! I'm getting back into the groove of this, and I will use it to write a million life lessons if I can.

Episode Sixteen – Girl Meets Self-Defense

Riley was sitting next to Maya as her best friend sketched out a picture of her baby brother, she had wanted to use it for a painting for her parents for their anniversary, but Maya was a perfectionist when it came to her art. It was something that Riley had found hilarious at times because watching Maya disregard the world while she drew had become an adventure for the whole campus. It was right after their class, and they were waiting for Smackle and Sam to show up because it was their weekly girls' lunch date. It had started at the beginning of the semester, as a way for them to have at least an hour to catch up while also talking about their love lives.

Every once and a while Riley would refill Maya's drink as they waited, not talking, so that Maya could finish before everyone arrived. Sam was the first to get there a huge smile on her face, followed by Smackle who was engrossed in a book.

"Okay," Riley said once they were all together. "Time to put the work down, that's what we agreed on when we decided to do this."

"Fine," Smackle grumbled, before her stomach made a noise, making the genius blush.

"Don't worry I finished," Maya said smiling down at the picture of her brother. "I hope my parents love this because it's hard enough getting the kid to stop squirming so that I could get one reference shot."

"They'll love it Maya," Riley said smiling at her best friend knowing it was the truth.

"Oh, let me see," Sam said bouncing in her chair, Maya and Sam had gotten closer over the last few months, especially with their upcoming student film in the works. Which Riley opted out of seeing after they showed her one clip that made her run out of the room and towards Lucas's dorm because she was sure that she would never sleep again.

"Aww he's so cute, I could just bite his cheeks right off," Riley said when Maya flipped the picture over. Sam cooing at the image, even though she's met the little boy.

"That's not possible, unless you're a cannibal," Smackle said to them in the only way she could, and it made Riley laugh. "He is cute in the average way that all children are at that age."

"Well, there you go kid you have the Smackle seal of approval," Maya said looking down at the drawing.

"He's going to be a heart breaker that one," Sam said smiling at the image.

"God, I hope not, because from the stories my dad has told me, Uncle Shawn went through so many girls growing up," Riley said thinking about everything she had heard over the years. "And broke a few hearts along the way including Farkle's mom's which is weird enough as it is."

They all laughed at it, because while it was weird it was still a part of their families past that made up their future. As they sat there Riley watched as her friends talked, caught up and generally made plans for other things. It felt like they were all finally finding their footing after everything that had kept them apart their first semester.

"So, I heard something," Sam said to them as they finished their lunch. "Apparently there's been a series of 'hook-ups' around campus," she used air quotes around attacks which meant that there was a possibility that they weren't hook-ups at all.

"I heard about them too, and I talked to a girl who knows one of the girls that it had happened to," Maya said her voice hushed because it wasn't her story to tell. "She told me to be careful at the parties thrown by the fraternities, because someone is drugging girls without them knowing. The houses involved don't want to stop the parties until the person is found, but I don't think we should be going to any parties anytime soon."

"Why do people do things like that?" Smackle asked, because while she studied everything that she could, there were still things that she didn't know or understand. Social constructs were one of them, and she was always asking them to explain things so that she would understand better. "I know that there are certain chemicals in the brain, or how a person is raised by their family, but why would someone go after people without permission?"

"It's just one of the things that girls have to worry about Smackle," Maya said and Riley couldn't help but feel sorry for the state of the world, when girls weren't allowed to freely be themselves because there was always someone out there who wanted to do something to them.

"It's not just girls Smackle, it happens to guys too, no one is safe from a predator," Riley said knowing that after a million talks about the subject with her mother, she knew that there were too many things that could happen while she was there. Too many reasons for someone to go after her or anyone she knew, and she was afraid but she wasn't going to let it rule her heart.

"So how are we going to deal with it?" Sam asked and Riley knew that she was concerned because while no one knew who was doing it, they were all possible victims.

"The buddy system," Riley answered knowing that it was the best way to deal with this kind of problem, because being with someone lessened the risk of someone going after them. "Maya and Smackle live together, so if they have to be out at night, they need to stick close to one another, the same for us Sam, since we have the radio program, or if someone wants to go to a party only take drinks that haven't been opened, and if you see something you call the police."

"You really thought this out, didn't you?" Maya said looking at her.

"My mom talked to me a few times over the summer, there had been an incident when she had been in school, so she wanted me to be prepared if something started happening when I started here," she said thinking of her mom who had something happen to her during freshman year at college, and had told Riley about it because she wanted her daughter to be protected.

"What kind of person would go after your mother, the woman scares anyone who would dare go against her," Smackle said and they all knew it was the truth, there was no going against her in any form.

"From what I know it was a new professor, who got a little too involved with his students, my dad got suspended from school for a day because of it until they realized what had happened," she told them, it was a story that her mother had made sure that she knew because she had wanted Riley to be vigilant about what could happen. She remembered that conversation, it was one that she really would never forget.

"Riley," her mother called out from the hallway before walking into her room. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah mom," Riley said automatically walking over to the bay window, the worried look on her mother's face meant that this was the kind of conversation that they should have at the window.

"Riley, I know you're going off to college soon, and I think we should have this conversation before you go," she said her voice serious.

"Mom we had the sex talk already, we don't need to have it again."

"No this is something a little more serious, something that I think you should know about because it's something that's common on college campuses, even when I was going to school."

Riley could feel the change of tone in her mother's words, where it bordered between the lawyer, she knew her mother was and the worried parent that rarely came out because her father worried enough for the both of them. There was a story here and Riley wasn't sure if she would be alright after hearing it, but it was important for her mother to tell her which meant that it was something that should also be important to Riley no matter what.

"When I was a student in college, a professor tried to well get my attention in a way, that I didn't want," her mother took a deep breath. "I sometimes wondered what would have happened if I hadn't gotten away from him in time, or even how your father's anger would have gotten him in more trouble if people hadn't believed us."

"What did daddy do? It can't be that bad, he's a marshmallow," Riley said because she had never seen any other version of her father outside of the overprotective one, she had grown up with.

"He threw him through a glass door, and I was scared not only for what had happened to me, but also what could have happened to him," her mother took a deep breath. "Your father, he's deeply protective, not just of you but also of his whole family, and while he chases Lucas around, I think he just wants to make sure that no one oversteps when it comes to you. He trusts Lucas, I know he does, he may not show it a lot because he's still fixated on that little girl he had raised, but he does trust him."

"Mom, I'm sorry you had to go through something like that," she said taking her mother's hand and putting her head on her shoulder.

"Now for the real talk," her mother said to her, before giving her a sad smile. "I honestly wish I didn't have to give you this talk but there's enough of it on the news... and well I worry about you because you're so trusting, but if you hear about something happening, even if it's a rumor, I want you to stick close to your friends, make sure Lucas is there with you, and if you ever find yourself alone at night take out your phone in one hand with 911 already dialed, and your keys in the other."

"Why my keys?"

"If you put them between your fingers they can be used as a weapon incase anything happens. I know some places ban things like pepper spray so I want you be prepared for the worse."

"Okay so phone and keys in hand, but what happens if I drop them, or if they gain the upper hand?"

"You fight Riley, never let anyone take anything from you that you didn't consent to, and if heaven forbid that something did happen, go to the police right afterwards, and then call me because I will fight heaven and hell to make sure that they burn for what they did. Because I will protect the ones, I love the most, and make sure that you can all protect yourselves."

Riley had found out that day that her mother was fiercely protective, not only of her, but also of her friends. Protect the ones you love, and protect yourself, were words that she would always hold dearly, because her friends were like family and she didn't want anything to happen to them. So, she sat there and told them everything that her mother had said, about self-defense about the buddy system, everything because she wanted them to be able to protect themselves if anything happened.

When they separated right after Riley sent a message to Lucas, because if there was one person, she needed to talk to about this it was him. She had heard about her father's reaction, and automatically knew that Lucas would have the same, if not worse reaction, if anything happened to her. She just wanted to make sure that he didn't do anything too rash if there was someone attacking people or hurting people he cared about. Lucas was standing outside of her dorm room the minute she got there, a soft smile on his face, he was just being the same guy that she's known for years, easy going and kind.

"Hey, I um… heard about something and I want to talk to you about it," she said having the need to rip off the band-aid as fast as she could.

"Um… well sure," he said as she opened the door and let him into her room.

"I heard something from the girls as we had lunch, about… well about attacks on campus, during parties and such, and well I want you to give me your word, that if anything happened to me… that you wouldn't go all Texas Lucas."

"Riley if anything happened to you… and I couldn't stop it… Riles that would hurt me more than you know," he said a sadness in his eyes and she knew that she was asking a lot of him, but she wanted him to have his dreams come true.

"If it makes you feel better I'll take self-defense classes, I'll start a drive for girls to be better protected, I'll even talk about it on the show with Sam, Zay, and Charlie, but under no circumstances do I want you to do anything rash and stupid… please Lucas," she couldn't help how her voice broke in the end, she didn't want him to lose himself to his own anger, not after everything he's done to be a better person. Lucas knew that it was hurting her as much as it would hurt him, so when he pulled her into his arms Riley understood that he was trying his best.

They didn't say anything for a few minutes as he held her, but when he pulled away she could see the war he was having just from looking at his eyes. She reached out and touched his face, giving him a small smile and kissing him on the lips.

"I'll try my best," he said once they separated, his head resting against hers.

After that they talked, like they had promised all of those years ago, she told him about what had happened to her parents, she told him everything little detail, even the things that she hadn't told Maya, Smackle, and Sam at lunch. So of course, like her mother, Lucas set up a plan for her, even if she didn't have the chance to take self-defense classes, he would teach her. He wanted to be sure that she would be safe no matter what, even if he couldn't be nearby.

In the weeks since their conversation, Riley had set up a small network through her radio show, small gatherings for girls to understand their options, for some of the guys to know what was happening. She made sure to include anyone who hadn't felt safe on campus, because organizing things was what she did best. It worked over the years, and she wasn't going to stop now. Lucas had some guys work with their girlfriends on self-defense techniques, Maya made posters for each event, Smackle and Farkle had created little safety alarms that would sound off if the person pressed a button on their phone that signaled an S.O.S. They all worked on it in some way or another, because they all wanted to be safe.

When no other incident had been reported after a few weeks, it felt like all of them could breathe easily for once, they mostly stuck to the buddy system, and if they were alone they did what Riley had told them to do. They had all become comfortable with everything, so in the end they had let their guard down enough to go on with their lives.

It wasn't until a late night at the library, where Riley had felt like someone was watching her, as he hairs stood up almost warning her of what could happen. It was the one night where Lucas had a late class, and because it was still winter, night came a little too quickly for her. She did everything her mother had told her on the walk home, and when she had reached her dorm she had felt silly for even thinking that something could go wrong. She walked up the stairs to her floor, letting her keys dangle, and putting her phone away, because she felt stupid for having it out in the first place.

Just as she reached her door someone grabbed her and pulled her towards a dark corner on the floor, they were just at the stairs again, when she began to fight, scratching at the person who was holding onto her. Her voice muffled by their hand, she could feel them breathing against her neck and it made her want to cry. The person tightened their grip on her and kept pulling her away from the safety of her room, and when they were alone, they forced her to face them.

Riley found herself face to face with one of the dorm advisors, he wasn't the one for her floor, so she didn't really know who they were, but she knew that they were angry judging by the look on his face. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest, she wasn't sure if she would have been prepared for this in the end.

"You should have minded your own business," he said, and she knew that she was in trouble, she had blanked out for a moment, before on instinct she kneed him in the balls before taking a swing at his face. She hit him as hard as she could putting all of her body weight into it, even though she didn't have a lot of muscle she knew that she could hit. Lucas had once told her that she had a mean right hook, he had known this first hand because she had used it on him when they had been in Texas.

Once he was down she ran out the door, down the floor until all of the adrenaline that was coursing through her body had run out just as she slammed into a very familiar chest and started crying. Lucas held onto her and she knew that he didn't know what had happened, but there was something in his eyes the minute he saw her face and she knew that he knew. He pulled her into her room and closed the door before dialing 911, as she shook on her bed.

"Someone attacked her, she has a cut on her head and she's in shock," was all she heard before she heard the pounding on her door, making her jump.

Lucas looked to the door, the operator still on the other line, but the muffled sound of a very angry person on the other side made it known that the person had followed her back. She knew that they knew where she lived, he was one of the advisors for the dorm so of course he knew. The moment the sirens went off near her window the banging stopped, and she heard someone running from her door before the police showed up.

Riley could feel her hands still shaking, she didn't want to be scared, but she was, and it was a terrible feeling. Lucas held onto her while the police took her statement, before they were taken to the hospital so that Riley could be examined. It was there that her mother had found her, her mother who had gone through something similar, her mother who she had always thought was the strongest person in the world. It was there that she fell apart in her mother's arms as Lucas and her dad stood in the doorway. She had never felt so scared for her own life, because she had been so close to being attacked and no one would have known until it was too late.

[messedupessy]

Mmh for the art raffle, rottenberry in A1 ? Maybe ? :o have a nice day/night, hope you're alright

“I-I’m just s-so fucking tired of it Berry…!”

HERE YA GO BESTEST FRENCH FRY BERRY COMFORTING A CRYING TINY SCRATCHY BOY  (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Hey look another one of these, this pic have been done for like ages now but since I ended up writing so frikking much under the cut it has taken me weeks to get this posted xD still this is one of the requests i looked the most forward to do as I immediately knew exactly what it was I wanted to draw for it!

Really happy with how this turned out, the pose was a little hard to get right but i got there eventually, really like how Scratch’s hands turned out even though you can barely see them as they are black due for his gauntlet’s, but I sketched them darker like that so that they wouldn’t melt into Berry’s vest which I think worked out, tried to like leave some white spaces which turned out really well, Scratch’s expression is not fully how I would had liked it but still turned out good, due for his mouth not showing it doesn’t show the exact emotion which i wanted him to have which was that of a bit more despair, as he is supposed to be really upset in this, the tears turned out pretty good too I actually accidentally at first drew them on the same layer as the sketch like an idiot so had to redo them, the first tears looked better but oh well that stuff happens, maybe should had made them a tiny bit more shiny and white so they would be more visible but they still looks good yeah, so all in all real happy with this one :D

And because I can so will I now give you guys some headcanons/mini story something for this ship, as I like doing that hella lot, I do actually have a bit of a story planned based on this but knowing me i will prolly never get around to actually write it properly, so instead ya all get this instead especially since I haven’t shown/talked about my take on this ship before, and the reason for the text up above will also be explained

Also the shit down below got super, duper long like crazy long as I got so frikking carried away with the whole thing just so ya know pfft

Their first ever meeting did not go so well, Berry was excited about meeting his so called double thinking up how his double would be like etc, so when he finally meet Scratch he was a tiny bit disappointed as Scratch looked nothing like he thought he would. His disappointment didn’t last for long though as he quickly noticed how damn short Scratch is, Berry is at 5′1 aka 154 cm while Scratch is at 4′8 aka 142 cm though he is wearing a pair of  ridiculously high heeled boots but it is obvious that he is really short. 

Which Berry without thinking says out loud as a greeting which makes Scratch immediately absolutely furious as he got a  extreme height complex, so Scratch lashes out with a attack and Berry easily evades it like a boss, Berry trying to apologize as he quickly realized he hit a nerve but Scratch isn’t letting him as he is too pissed off to listen, and Berry isn’t making it better by saying his apologizes like this: “I’M SORRY OTHER ME FOR CALLING YOU SHORT BUT YOU ARE REALLY SHORT AND TINY AND I CAN’T HELP BUT FIND IT REALLY CUTE!” Berry of course can’t help but to put in some flirting as well as he is one flirty boy, waggling his brows with a flirty smile while evading a still angry but now also flustered Scratch.

Berry keeps on making stuff worse as he just can’t help himself, getting completely carried away and finding the way Scratch is flustering while also been absolutely pissed adorable. Until Stretch decides to intervene as this fight/battle has been going on long enough, grabbing hold of Scratch as he is the one attacking and also you guys are ruining the furniture like not cool while saying a pun or joke of some sort. 

Berry stops moving and chuckles at his bro’s joke and then goes oh right shit forgot we were indoors, then he makes a pun which Stretch puns back at but which Scratch just screeches at, pushing Stretch away from him with a “UNHAND ME YOU FOOL!” and then stomps away fuming af with the other two looking after him, Berry after awhile saying that that guy is just really cute when he gets all pissy like that doesn’t he which Stretch agrees with, but like bro you really should apologize to him properly because that shit you said was really hella rude, like remember when you were easily offended with people commenting on your height when you were a kid and how it made you feel.

Berry makes a face and looking a tad bit guilty, he goes like fuck you’re right I didn’t think of that, I just let my first thought slip as I hadn’t expected other me to be way shorter than I am and then I got all carried away like I always do. I guess I better go and try to fix this mess I made, think I will have to wait a bit tough for him to cool down a bit, which Stretch just nods in agreement then saying another pun which Berry puns back at.

Berry then goes to visit Scratch, knocks on the door and Scratch opens it immediately, after checking who it is, asking what the fuck does he want, Berry says he is there to apologize which just makes Scratch squint at him in disbelief. Berry then apologizes but fucks up a bit as he ends up calling Scratch short again which makes Scratch pissed and he tries to slam the door on Berry but he grabs hold off it before it slams shut completely, saying sorry again that came out wrong i’m sorry let me make it up to you. 

They fight with the door for awhile Scratch schreeching at him to fuck off and Berry shouting he just wants to make it up to him until Scratch is like fine make it up to me by leaving me the fuck alone which Berry says he can’t because that won’t make up for what he said wait I know I will let you punch me! 

Both stops fighting with the door and Scratch once again just looks at Berry in disbelief, like what kind of an idiot are you kind of way, which he also voices out loud, Berry just laughs and says since calling you sho- I mean calling you that made you angry and hurt I will let you punch me properly and not evade it at all like I did before. 

Scratch is still just looking at him trying to figure out what Berry truly is after, saying Berry really is stupid, Berry replies with come on I can take it just punch me and then we will be even, you don’t have to tell me twice Scratch says and then punches Berry without warning making the other stagger back and start to bleed from his nose, but he just shakes his head saying that was a great punch, really glad I didn’t let you hit me when we fought earlier because then i would have gotten hurt even worse. 

Scratch fluster a bit at the praise, Berry then adds since we are now even and you have punched me so are we officially friends now grinning wide with Scratch going what before Berry grabs him and starts running off with him, saying come on let’s hang out now since we’re friends with Scratch schreeching we are not friends put me down but which Berry ignores as he is determined to get to know his angry counter part better 

After that whole thing the two of them start to hang out, mostly by Berry visiting Scratch against his will and then drag him off to do things together, from hanging out at Berry’s home to go out and prank people, Scratch starts to get less and less against hanging out with Berry as he finds himself having fun during their hang outs. 

He still fights it at times but Berry is very insistent, he fought against it for quiet some time especially when it came to the things Berry tried to make him join in with, like pranking people that’s childish and so are video games, building snowmen no that’s something for children! but Berry just had to say are you chicken/does that mean I win by default etc made him immediately change his mind and join in as he refused to be defeated in anything etc.

Though still a bit hesitantly as Scratch hates to appear childish in any way, which Berry have figured out and is trying to teach him it’s ok to be etc, as when Berry was younger he had kind of the same troubles, Berry still slips up at times with short/tiny jokes as he just can’t help it even though he tries which have made Scratch get really mad at him so many times, Berry also keeps on flustering Scratch by calling him cute etc out of the blue

Berry tries to get to know Scratch better, more personally etc but Scratch keeps on pushing him away in that regard, refusing to open up, so Berry keeps pushing and kinda pester as his feelings for the other have grown into a full blown crush and when he is in love he has a habit of getting blind to the person of his affections discomforts and when he is going too far, when he is too pushy and should leave them alone. 

So one day he and Scratch are hanging out, doing their usual thing when Scratch seems to be a bit more distant than usual, Berry tries to get Scratch to tell him what’s up but Scratch is not telling him anything. Berry then says if Scratch needs to talk about stuff then talk with him he will understand then he tries to put a comforting hand on Scratch’s shoulder but it is swatted away harshly by Scratch who just looks at him like he have just said the worst insult ever, saying as if Berry would ever understand what he is dealing with, and then Scratch just explodes into a screaming rant how there is no way that Berry would ever understand the shit he is going through.

“NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND BERRY! YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS TO WAKE UP EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY KNOWING IT IS YET ANOTHER DAY OF BEEN BELITTLED, OF BEEN MOCKED, OF NOT BEEN TAKEN SERIOUSLY AND TREATED LIKE A CHILD ALL BECAUSE YOU JUST HAPPEN TO LOOK LIKE ONE WHEN YOU SURE AS FUCK AREN’T! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE TOLD OVER AND OVER AGAIN EVERY FUCKING DAY THAT YOU ARE WEAK, THAT YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING AND YOU ARE NOT EVEN GIVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF A CHANCE TO PROVE THEM WRONG! YOU WHO HAVE NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS EVER IN YOUR LIFE  YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW IT IS TO HAVE A BROTHER WHO DOESN’T LOVE YOU AND TREAT YOU LIKE FUCKING SHIT!”

Scratch keeps on shouting at Berry like that for awhile, just letting all of the things that troubles him out into the open. As the reason for why he had been more distant was because he had grown a bit jealous of Berry’s seemingly perfect life, as people weren’t belittling him or mocking him for his height etc, and how he had such a great relationship with his brother unlike himself, he shouts and screams himself hoarse until

“I’M-I’m just…-“, Scratch said mouth now quivering and his voice suddenly lowering to almost a whisper, his eye sockets barely holding back the tears that was risking of flooding out as he looked away from the other and instead looked down at his feet with an expression  that was just completely exhausted and defeated. “I’m just so tired, so fucking tired of it all…”  

Scratch tries to stop himself from crying with little success, as he is just so damn tired of all of it and been keeping shit inside for so long, Berry have just listened to it all without a word, actually a bit shocked at the sudden outburst, he then steps forward and pulls Scratch into a hug. 

Scratch immediately telling him to let him go schreeching and thrashing but Berry doesn’t let him go, after awhile of that Scratch just stops and slowly puts his arms around Berry and just starts crying fully, the line and the pic above happening, and Berry just holds him while he cries and just says over and over how he is just so tired. Berry saying he knows, he hadn’t thought Scratch had such problems or that people were treating him so damn bad etc, and how this explains so much about how Scratch has been behaving and how he himself should have like noticed that stuff a bit more but like always when he is crushing he gets really bad at noticing things he doesn’t want to notice about the person he is interested in.

He hugs the other a bit tighter while Scratch has become stiff in his arms, as Scratch is realizing what he have just done just letting all of his feelings and troubles out and he is terrified and horrified about it, Berry then decides to try to break the tension a bit by saying a joke, or kind of a joke which is “Well, I never thought our first embrace would be in a situation like this.” or something like it which Scratch doesn’t take well upon hearing it getting flustered and try to push Berry away which Berry lets him a tiny bit so they are now face to face at least, Berry saying sorry not the time to say that please calm down and let me say some things. 

Which Scratch do but his whole body is still ready to fucking bolt at a moments notice, Berry then begins to talk how yes he might not understand what Scratch is going through fully, as he himself have had troubles in the past with been taken seriously thanks to his baby face and also his own shortness, even though those troubles weren’t as bad as Scratch’s though still bad but not to that extent, he also apologies how he was so damn pushy about Scratch telling him stuff and that he should had pushed less etc alongside other things which makes Scratch relax and calm down

After the whole thing the two of them gets closer, Scratch starts to open up without having to be pushed to an outburst to do so, Berry tries his best not to push Scratch to that extent, Scratch is more relaxed around Berry now and doesn’t get upset as often about things, like they become proper friends who can talk about stuff most of the time, share their experiences and stuff with one another, they still fuck up time to time but they solve it much more calmly, mostly at least, Scratch is making sure to tell Berry off when he is uncomfortable about anything which Berry might fail to notice etc.

Now finally with Scratch actually feeling comfortable and safe around Berry, his feelings starts to change into a crush as well, Berry have never hidden the fact that he has been interested in Scratch romantically, or at least he have been flirting with him allot, and even though they still end up fighting time to time and that Berry keeps on forcing him outside his comfort zone which he doesn’t always like but is kinda what he needs at times, also helps that Berry is pretty damn good looking which Berry knows fully that he is, flexing and shit which makes Scratch’s soul flutter.

And as usual when Scratch gets a crush or anything like it he goes into tsundere mode, starts to avoid Berry and stuff even though he knows Berry is interested in him that way but then doubts starts to grow in his mind, what if Berry is just interested in him so to use him and then break his heart and stuff, what if this whole friendship was a rouse to make fun of him, like Berry gets around allot in that department he have heard, what if their friendship is fake and he will lose what he have with Berry if he admits his feelings and Berry gets what he wants etc.

Berry for once actually notices that there is something bothering Scratch almost immediately this time around, and decides to confront Scratch what’s bothering him as he does not want what happened last time to happen again, and after some careful prodding Scratch ends up confessing his feelings and his fears while been real frikking flustered, Berry is overjoyed at having his feelings returned that he immediately hugs Scratch completely missing the part about Scratch’s fears, getting his mouth covered by Scratch’s hands as he tries to kiss him in his excitement which Scratch is not ready for at all.

Berry immediately apologizes for doing so he just got so damn happy and excited which is no excuse for trying to kiss him without consent, he then asks what the rest Scratch said was can he repeat it which Scratch at first refuses to do so as he is pretty flustered, embarrassed and kind of distressed but he ends up repeating himself after a bit. 

Berry immediately assures him that that kind of thing he would never ever do, he is not the kind of guy who would play with someones feelings like that at least not intentionally, he tells Scratch when it comes to Berry getting around with different partners its something he only do when fully single or if he isn’t interested in someone special, and that ever since he ended up crushing on Scratch he haven’t been with anyone at all.

After some more reassurance, some flirting on Berry’s part and some fluster on Scratch’s, the both of them decide to give a romantic relationship a try, which ends up been pretty much just like their friendship just much more hugs and eventually kisses when Scratch ends up comfortable enough for it, they both still fuck up at times in various ways. 

Berry been too pushy and missing clear signs when Scratch doesn’t want something etc, and Scratch keeps on having troubles telling Berry the things that truly bothers him etc, they still fight time to time, though mostly just about silly things like Berry totally cheating at mario kart and shit, they way too often edge each other on to do stupid shit, but all in all they end up been pretty good for one another, Scratch telling Berry off when he is too much and Berry helping Scratch been more open and be as childish as he wants to be, the fucking end

Fuck this took forever for some reason but now it’s done hurray, not completely happy with all of it there are a bunch of parts which is a bit iffy but all in all i am kind of happy with this anyhow xD the more well written text and dialogue is from my attempt at writing this as an actual fic which I decided to include, as i like how those two parts turned out and that i will prolly never end up writing it properly and shit, anyway enjoy this wall of text yo 

[impalaimagining]

PittCon Saturday

(holy shit y’all this was so much to remember from this morning until now. sorry if I forgot anything) Also this is obnoxiously long so this one gets a cut. #You’reWelcome

Read Friday’s here.

Part One: 

No Rob Benedict. Rich makes promises of him later.

ROB BENEDICT!!! He walked out with Briana and she claims she planned the whole thing.

Briana, Kim, and Gil didn’t have anyone lined up for questions. Briana threatened period talk. Gil blushed. 

Questions for Briana today instead of Kim. Briana does a little victory thing every time someone says, “My question is for Bri.” Kim mocks her from yesterday and says, “I’m gonna answer it anyway.”

Gil is third-wheelin’ it, hard. 

Gil addresses the whole thing that happened with the butt grabbing. He wanted to “nip it in the bud because it was weighing very heavily” on him. Apparently I missed that last night because I had no idea what he was even talking about when he said it. He’s a great guy. Try not to fault him for one little slip, yeah? He’s human. Cut the man some slack. 

Part Two: 

Rob scolds Rich for not telling us about the “I <3 KoC” shirts. Debates about whether it’s pronounced like Coke or like cock. “Wear that to Grandma’s house.” “One of those things will kill you!” 

Matt, Rob, and Rich bounce off of one another unbelievably well. 

Pssst, Matt Cohen is fucking attracccttiivveeeee

Questions about other projects and hobbies come up. Matt says he wants to get into racing again. Racing is in his future. Richard says he’s a lot like his father. His father was a lawyer. Rob used to have his own baseball league. With himself. He made up teams like “The Colors” and “Other Things.”

Rob and Rich are besties and it makes my life. 

The pilot for Skyward is streaming now on Amazon. Rich said there’s a part already sketched out for Rob if the show continues. It wasn’t his idea to include Rob, but he wanted to eventually anyway. 

Part Three:

Mark Sheppard is either consistently grouchy or was very tired/cranky today.

Almost all of his answers boiled down to one word, so that was the one word he used, and then moved on. He probably answered more questions on his own than Misha and Jake did combines just because of how fast he was moving. 

He said fuck Creation’s rules and walked around the crowd most of the time. Also joked about how when he was more powerful (and important), they never would’ve allowed that. (sad face on my part)

A fan asks how he feels about Fergus’s deal and how he lost his soul, what he sold it for. He doesn’t laugh. Just says, “If you want to ask about my penis, there are other ways to do it. I can’t relate to Fergus, if that’s what you’re asking.”

His favorite line is “Where’s your moose?” 

“You’re good, but I’m Crowley,” was improv. 

Talking about his wife and daughter made him light up like a Christmas tree. It was adorable. 

Everyone thinks he hates cats. He got very snarky about it. “Did I say I hate cats? No. I don’t hate anything. I hate Misha. Oops.”

He thinks Crowley came full circle. There wasn’t much else for him to do in the series, he thinks. 

He doesn’t understand the logic behind Rowena being Crowley’s mother.When Rowena dies at the hands of Lucifer (the first time), Mark said the line, “Always thought I’d be the one to do it,” felt very right in that moment.

Part Four: 

Jake Abel has the bubbliest butt in the entire cast. To quote myself from earlier today, “You could bounce a fuckin nickel off of that thing.”

He’s been creating plotlines and ways to bring Adam back. New plans are made every time he comes to a convention. Currently, we’re looking at an Adam spinoff in which he and his mother are resurrected (him from Hell, her from Heaven) and become hunters. They have “opposing forces!” as Jake said, and the story would follow the way they got the opposing forces to work together for the same common purpose.

This man is insane. 

He kept reminding us that he was in a weird mood because his flight didn’t get in until 4am.

Sleepy Jake is the cutest. 

Talk of Percy Jackson. 

Lots of talk about bringing Adam back. 

Part Five: 

MISHA. FREAKIN. COLLINS.

Guys. I’ve never been more amazed by one person’s smile and overall attitude. He’s so cheery and bright and uugghhh Misha.

He tells a story about his dad, and then says that he had to tell his children about his parents’ (brief, I think?) split, but he doesn’t want it to sound like that’s the only way marriages can end. The next day, his son went to school and told the teacher, “I want my parents to get a divorce.” I literally have no idea if this is true, but it’s what Misha told us.

Fake spoilers for Season 13, but he told us that he was filming it last night. Jared and Jensen still fuck with him to no end. 

“We were filming. Jared was on the bed, and we were doing something we don’t usually do on Supernatural.” *cue roars from the audience*

I think he tried to fight someone in the crowd. I have photos of his bulgy eyes and sassy jawline. Yeah, it’s a thing. 

MY PHOTO OP WITH HIM !!!!!!!!!

I was going to show him the photo of himself standing in front of the whiteboard with his drawing of Maison and the dandelion. Creation doesn’t allow phones in the photo op rooms so I had to put it in my pocket, which was fine.

I walked up and asked the woman if I could show him something. She said, “Sure, just make it quick!” Again, I get it. Not a problem. 

I’m standing there waiting with my arm pulled out of my sleeve to show him my tattoo. I walk up and I’m greeted with the most amazing smile and such a soft “hi.” 

I blurt out, “I NEED TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING!” *shoves my arm towards him* *silence from Misha as he stares*

His mouth kind of popped open when he realized what it was. His eyes are so freakin’ blue and I know because he looked me directly in them and told me, “That’s amazing.” 

My heart is racing, but I lean and and we hug and Chris snaps the photo. I step to walk away and Misha grabs my hands (!!!!!!!!!) I turn and look up at him (because damn he’s tall! He’s right, he’s just surrounded by giants.) and he squeezes my hands. “That’s amazing.” It’s so quiet and I blink for a second. “Thank you.” I get another tight hand squeeze and thank him before running into the hallway and crying. (*inhale* I’m okay, really.)

HUGE HUGE HUGE FUCKIN’ THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO DONATED MONEY TO GET ME THAT OP. I LOVE YOU ALL AND IF/WHEN I MEET YOU GUYS, HUGS ALL AROUND.

On to the auto. I showed him the tattoo again, quickly spat out, ”I know I showed it to you at the photo ops but...!”  and he drew a heart next to his name when he signed it. I got another “That’s amazing. Thank you so much.” and that friggin smile

I still don’t know if he knows the tattoo is his handwriting. I assume he could tell when he looked at it, especially for how long he looked at it. But *shrugs* maybe one day I’ll tell him.

While waiting for Misha’s op, I MET @HIGHONPASTRIES (whose tumblr is literally not working this weekend, just FYI)!!! There’s a selfie to prove it. Will be posted later.

Part Six: 

SNS

Jake introduces the band. First starts by demanding that we chant, “Bring Adam back,” over and over again. Chant quickly turns into, “Lou-den Swain.”

I didn’t know I needed a fuckin’ KAZOO. *cough cough* @torn-and-frayed @nichelle-my-belle-spn-con-blog (still waiting for the kazoo tip to make an appearance)

Rob Benedict sang half a song without a microphone. Don’t know why. It just wasn’t working. 

MATT COHEN WINKED AS HE RAN PAST ME Y’ALL. Camera was too slow to capture it but if anyone has that wink, good God send it this way, please.

Sam Smith popped out! Just to introduce Kim though - no singing. 

Kim Rhodes was so nervous and I just want to hug her and tell her she’s amazing. 

Briana was wearing LEATHER BOOTS UP TO HER HIPS. #YAAAASSSS

Gil McKinney. That fuckin’ man. Making me cry and shit, two days in a row. 

Drunk Matt Cohen is a thing of my dreams. 

Lots of guest appearances within the band. Chris on bass, Rich on bass, Adam from Creation on keys, Rich on guitar and the mic. Nobody takes Billy’s guitar from him though ;) 

Whipping Post sans Jensen. Still fuckin’ awesome. 

Fare Thee Well!!!! Rob prefaced it with a spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen the episode yet. *giggle*

Rob cried singing She Waits. Then said he loves us so much it’s unreal. This man is pure and good and needs to be protected at all costs. 

They played my faaave song. It’s called Amazing. 

Kazoo song. Also known as Medicated. Someone had an amplifier for their kazoo. Rob was very impressed. Cast members are getting better at the kazoo solo. Rob isn’t happy about it. “This isn’t as fun when you guys are gooood.” 

Questions? Comments? Anything? If you’re at the con, come find me and say hi! I’ll be in (or around) seat D25! :) 

TOMORROW I MEET JARED AND JENSEN Y’ALL THIS IS ITTTTT. *quietly crying bc tomorrow is the end*

*falls into bed and immediately starts snoring* P.S. Cons are exhausting in the best possible way.

[ficdirectory]

Blink (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 55

CHAPTER 55

 Pearl has tried to psych herself up all day, but going to the post office simply is not happening.

She’s started to get ready half a dozen times.  Sometimes, she’s gotten as far as starting the car, but just sitting in the driver’s seat made flashbacks grip her hard.  (Jared in the seat next to her.  Telling her to drive.  Now.)  Any pressure at all makes Pearl remember that pressure.  That night.  

 It’s beyond imagining why at sixteen, Pearl could endure what she had, but at 31, she can’t run a simple errand.

 It would be okay if this could wait.  But without pressure, Pearl also lacked motivation.  It’s crunch time now, because she knows she has to go.  It’s for work.  Someone paid for their cute little Lhasa Apso to have a sweater and the last thing Pearl wants is for an adorable little dog to freeze because she’s incompetent and can’t make a post office run.

 She just can’t make herself do it.  The more the pressure, the less motivated she is.  Instead, she curls up on the couch with Gracie.  She knows she needs to touch base with somebody, but Char has an actual in-person support group thing (mortifying) and it’s Pav’s husband’s birthday.

 And that leaves Jesus.  Who hasn’t really been in the touching base place for her.  Which is fine.  It’s just that, if left to her own devices, Pearl would hole up here, and never leave.

 It’s happened before.  It was her life before she got Gracie.

 As if she knows what’s on Pearl’s mind, Gracie licks her face.  

 “I know we can try again tomorrow, but I don’t want to go into town at all,” Pearl whines.  There’s nobody here but her and Gracie.  Nobody to judge her totally childlike moment of just being done with everything.

 Gracie cocks her head.  

 “I don’t know why.  Do I need a reason?” Pearl asks, pulling a blanket up around her.

 --

 Friday afternoon, Jesus walks into therapy with Dr. H. carrying his new backpack from Mama. He still has his scarf on.  And his new bracelet.  And Jesus really wants to be able to talk about some of this stuff.  Why it’s significant.  Why it helps him feel safe.

 His phone chimes with a text from Pearl:

 It’s official.  I am officially a failure at going to the post office.  Gracie told me I should go, but I couldn’t get out the door.  Now I have to go tomorrow or this stupid dog sweater will be late.  Not how I want to spend my Saturday.

 Quickly, Jesus sends a string of emojis back her way.  A heart.  A dog.  A present.  And a message that says:

 Call when you go.  I can be your backup.

 After that, he turns the volume down on his phone and gets to work.  

 First, he gets grounded, and then he updates Dr. H. about the last twenty-four hours. He tells her about relapsing, and getting hard feedback on his essay and how that triggered him.  How they talked it out and Mama explained why she did what she did and how it was different.  That it led to some great conversations, especially with Mama, where Jesus was able to open up.

 “I’ve been able to share stuff with her I haven’t really told anybody in my family yet.  Like about my disappearing and how it has different levels and all that.  She asked what she could do to help and I told her some stuff.  Today - this morning - she noticed I was having trouble, and she came and helped me before it got bad.”

 “How did that make you feel?” Dr. H. asks.

 “Not invisible,” Jesus says.

 “I see.  And what emotion were you feeling when your mother noticed you were having trouble?”

 “I felt...hopeful…” Jesus ventures.

 “Why were you feeling hopeful?”

 “Because she was following through.  Because she didn’t just tell me she would do something to help she actually followed through.  Not in the way she thought I needed...but the way I actually needed.”

 “I understand.  You deserve to feel hopeful, Jesus.  It sounds like you and your mother have made some great steps in a short period of time.”

 He nods.  Then they pause to breathe and refocus.  Dr. H. asks if he wants to share about the things he brought to the office.

 “Well...speaking of following through in the way I needed…  Remember earlier this week when Mama threw the food in my backpack away?  And she didn’t ask me?”

 “I do.”

 “And we talked about what I’d need if there was ever a next time and I said I’d need her to give me another backpack with food in it before she took the other one.  So,” he holds out the bag.  Swallows back the lump in his throat.

 “I’d like you to breathe and see if you can finish your thought, Jesus.  I can see you’re feeling emotional.  That’s okay in here.  Your feelings are safe.  You won’t be mocked or hurt in any way.”

 Jesus drags in a shaky breath.  Looks at Dr. H. even though she’s all blurry.  “Mama gave this to me…” he confesses softly.

 “What feeling does that bring up?” she checks.

 “Overwhelm…” Jesus hedges.

 “It’s okay to be overwhelmed, Jesus.  That’s perfectly reasonable. Is it safe to assume there’s food in this backpack, as well?”

 “Yes…” he breathes.  “I need to do a sidenote.  But it’s still on topic.  You know how when I was at the cabin a lot of stuff came up about Isaac?”

 Dr. H. nods, listening.

 “Well, I realized, talking to Pearl one day that I was hoarding all the food in that backpack kinda like...for him…” Jesus ventures.  “Like, I couldn’t save him, but I could save the food.  And our main connection was really me bringing him food.  We talked about it.  Once I stole cupcakes from The House when he said it was his birthday.  The Hostess ones.  And so there was two, and I helped him eat one.  But he wouldn’t take the second one.  He said it was for me.  Because we found out our birthdays were a week apart…”

 “So, is it fair to say that food is something very powerful that you two shared?”

 “Yes.  Can I show you what’s in the bag?” Jesus asks.  He doesn’t wait for an answer.  Just carefully assembles everything on the low table between them.  The food from Mama.  The box of cupcakes from Pearl.  The letter from Mama.  The letter he wrote for Isaac.  And the picture.

 “I see Hostess cupcakes.  That’s significant.  From your mother?” Dr. H. asks.

 “No, Pearl sent those when she realized what happened with the other bag.”

 “How did that resonate?  Did you find it difficult to receive them?”

 “No, actually.  It’s like...she paid attention to what I was saying.  And sent me something that she knew mattered to me.”

 “You found it validating.”

 “Right.”

 “And when your mother got rid of the food in the other backpack?  I can see why that felt like a very big loss.”

 “Yeah,” Jesus sighs.

 After a pause, she asks.  “Would you say you hoarding at the cabin was just about Isaac and your grief over him...or was it also about you, Jesus?”

 “Oh, it was for sure about me, too.”

 “How so?”

 “Because it was a new place,” he starts deliberately.  He knows how easily he could get carried away in the fear of these memories.  “I was away from home.  I hadn’t been away from home since I got back.  So being away, of course, meant that I didn’t know if I’d be able to eat.  Or how long I’d have access to food that was there.  And...I kept misinterpreting, I think?”

 “Tell me about misinterpreting.  What did you misinterpret?”

 “Well, like, one morning, Mama had said something like, ‘Go take a shower and then we can eat breakfast.’  Now, I get that she probably meant if I showered first, by the time I was done, breakfast would be ready.  But I heard...that I wouldn’t get breakfast unless I showered.”

 “That must’ve felt very unsafe.”

 “It did,” Jesus nods.

 “Do you still feel the compulsion to hoard now that you’re home?” Dr. H. asks.

 “I feel the compulsion to do other things…” Jesus mutters, looking away.

 “Feel your feet on the floor? Press down.  Sit up straight.  Head up, please,” she cues.  “Now take a breath.  She waits while Jesus does.  “Do you feel safe right now?”

 “My skin is crawling…” he admits.  Without thinking, Jesus takes the scarf off from around his neck and winds it around his left wrist, which got the worst of it, and still has bandaids.  The only bad thing is now he can’t see his new bracelet from Mama.

 “Let’s give your hands something else to do.  Something to keep them busy.  Would you like to put things back in your backpack?  Draw?”

 “Both,” he blurts.  And Jesus reaches out to put everything back in its place in the backpack.  Then, he accepts the sketch pad from Dr. H.  He doesn’t realize he’s basically curled in the chair until Dr. H. asks if he can put his feet on the floor, please.  (It’s so she has an eyeline to his hands, he knows.)

 So Jesus makes an attempt to organize himself.  Repositioning the sketchpad on his lap, with his feet flat on the floor.  Starts drawing.

 Dr. H. is quiet, not asking Jesus to split his focus, which he needs all of to reroute the seriously intense urges happening right now.  He concentrates on what he’s doing.  And slowly, starts to talk.

 “I drew a really awesome picture of my baby sis today,” Jesus confides, choosing to share this - something that gives him pride - over something that might cause him to slip up (like hoarding.)

 “Would you like to tell me anymore about it?’ Dr. H. asks, and Jesus talks about how Frankie had pretended to be his art teacher and asked him if he wanted to draw what made him happy.

 “She makes me happy, so I drew her.  And she really liked the drawing.  Said it was like a picture you take with your phone.  It was probably one of my best…  Mama even framed it and put it in her room,” Jesus muses letting his mind get consumed by pencil strokes against an empty page, not by giving in and letting the unhealthy part of him have another win.

 “We have about five minutes left,” Dr. H. says calmly.  “How are you feeling?”

 “Better.  It’s gone for now.  The weird sensations,” Jesus realizes.

 “I think you handled that beautifully, Jesus.” Dr. H. says.

 “How?” he wonders.

 “You alerted me to how you were feeling.  You picked another activity to focus on and you talked about something positive while you did it.  I’m very proud of you.”

 Jesus can feel his ears get hot.  “Thanks,” he mutters, keeping eye contact, because it’s what they do in here.  “Um…  Here…” he says, laying the sketchpad on the table, facing the doc.

 “You’re extremely talented, Jesus,” Dr. H. tells him, looking honest-to-God intrigued.

 “I wanna say before I have to leave...it’s not the hoarding that’s an issue for me anymore.  It’s...managing this…” he admits, nodding at his wrist, still wrapped in the scarf from Pearl.  Dr. H. listens, in case he has more to say.  Turns out, he does.  “I have a question.  Are you disappointed?  I mean, that I relapsed yesterday?”

 “No.  I’m not disappointed that you relapsed yesterday, Jesus.  Relapse is expected.  It’s a part of recovery.  And by your own account, it sounds like you’re beginning to trust those around you to help keep you safe.  And that’s an impressive thing, indeed.  Over the weekend?  Keep it up.”

 “That’s it?”

 “That’s it.  Practice coping in a way that prioritizes your mental health and your safety.  Practice alerting your safe people when you feel overwhelmed.  Perhaps, tell your mother, when she comes to pick you up, about needing to keep your hands busy when you’re feeling triggered to harm yourself.  Choose something you enjoy that takes a lot of your concentration.  I highly recommend sketching or drawing.  This is impressive, Jesus,” Dr. H. emphasizes, still studying the picture he drew.  “What inspired this?  Can I ask?”

 “It’s something that helped me cope,” he shares.

 “May I hang it up?  It’s possible, seeing it might help someone else cope…”

 “Yeah.  That would be awesome,” he nods.

 Jesus gives his drawing one last glance before he leaves the office.  Snapping a pic to send to Pearl before he goes:

 Because on the page, Jesus has drawn a tree.

[mcrmadness]

A bit about visual arts and drawing from someone who has been drawing since has been able to hold a pen. With lots of, sometimes really (even years) long, pauses too.

In 2018 I finally was done with schools and my almost 5 years of working in a row ended too. I wasn’t sure if I was ever gonna draw again because for years I had been feeling like drawing but the last time I had ACTUALLY drawn was in 2013. Apart from small doodles I did at school while bored, but those were really nothing because I hated every line of them.

But that Autumn in 2018 I finally had time for myself and I found my inspiration again and I started creating again - I started drawing and I started writing, too. I started having those plot scenarios in my head again - I had had none during those 5 years of work and school that made me so tired I pretty much every day nearly fall asleep while sitting in front of my computer. Since Autumn 2018 I have used over 27 sheets of my sketchbook, mainly it’s for plots and plans and practicing for comics but also some other stuff is in there - and just last week I went to buy another sketchbook and a sheet of paper for comics because I have already used over 10 sheets of this one I bought last year. And before I could barely finish even with one! The old sketchbook has 60 sheets and there’s a few left and I have had it for 10 years. But in less than 2 years I have filled over a half of it already.

My ability to create was destroyed by antidepressants - the biggest reason for me to stop eating them was because I needed to create again but with them I just could not do anything. Or when I did, it all was so shallow and felt like I saw so much effort to even do something so simple. Without the antidepressants it’s been like a totally new experience to draw comics. It’s actually fun now and doesn’t feel like I’m working so hard to get something out of my head, at least not every second.

There’s also been a major change in my attitude towards drawing. In my teenage years I was very lonely and very much bullied and I felt like all I could do was to draw. And even then I felt like I was cheating because I could copy photos with pencils - still not perfectly, but I had created a technique that worked for me. But if I tried to draw something without reference photos... I had terrible temper tantrums with myself because I felt like I had no talent and I’m just lying to myself, “as if I could actally draw, bullshit, I’m just copying photos and not creating anything”. That stressed the hell out of me because when I was drawing those “copy drawings”, all I had in my head was to get it ready so I can show it to people. And I was happy to get them finished but I didn’t enjoy the process of drawing. And then I’d again get inner temper tantrums (that I now recognize as symptoms of Rejective Sensitive Dysphoria!) because I wasn’t getting enough attention, people were not looking at them, I didn’t get comments, I didn’t get anything, and I felt like I suck at everything and “maybe I’m actually not even that good, maybe I just think I’m better than what I actually am”.

I mainly stopped drawing after my late teen years because I realized it was not bringing me joy. It was attention seeking. Drawing was no longer fun, it was just stressful attempt to be seen and to be approved and accepted. I felt like if I can’t be approved and accepted as a person, maybe people could compliment my art and I could feel accepted through that. And then I had the biggest realization ever that I was no longer enjoying any part of drawing and in the end it was just making me sad and angry because of RSD, and I stopped drawing portaits because my friend told me that she thinks “drawings that are copies lack a soul in her opinion” and I just realized that I was untalented, I just knew the techniques but I wasn’t actually good at drawing. (For me it was always either a copy or no reference photos whatsoever or it was cheating - but I know much better now.)

Somewhen in 2017 I felt like I want to draw but I had no ideas. Then I started to come up with ideas based on my own deep thoughts and I decided to create the most simple character ever that would not look like a human but would be human enough to act like a human (they look like ghosts, really, I drew the first one for one drawing in 2013), that I could use for self-comics. I had been DREAMING of a comic book diary or webcomic about my life but I never knew how to draw “myself” because I really hated the idea OF drawing myself. So I started drawing these very simple creatures and my main point was: draw AS SIMPLY AS POSSIBLE, do not focus on details, do not focus on lines, do not focus on how anything SHOULD be - just draw and let them be simple and easy to draw. Take everything out of it and don’t stress the outcome. And it really helped. I haven’t drawn too many of them but lately I have been having a lot more ideas for what to draw. There’s one comic on the way, actually. Maybe even two more in the future.

I want to go back to the “I didn’t enjoy the process at all and just wanted to finish with them asap” a bit because lately I have been drawing more again and I have finally reached that point where I enjoy the drawing process. I just love everything about it, I love to see how the lines get drawn on the paper and how the stuff on the paper evolve, how something doesn’t look good but it doesn’t matter, let’s draw there another line next to it, maybe it will be better, then erasing some of the extra lines to see if it looks better like that or if I should fix more things. Before I was always filled with rage when I did this because I tried to get everything right at once and I was erasing and redrawing so many times I was lucky the paper did not break yet. But not now, I’m just sketching and enjoying the whole process! Last night I actually started TWO different drawings and I never do this - I always want to finish every project before I start with the next one. But I did all the sketching for the first one and I was just on the mood for sketching a bit more so I took and started the second one. Which eventually made me feel like I really really need to go back drawing “portait copies of my favorite musicians”. Because I love drawing with pencils and unfortunately I’m gonna draw on these with markers and erase every trace of pencil from there because they’re only sketchings. But we will see, maybe I will choose a photo to draw with pencils and try to draw another one - haven��t done that in 10 years. Apart from one that I started in 2012 and thought I’d never finish, but eventually did finish it last year. It didn’t turn out that good but mainly because of the persons in the drawing don’t look like themselves that much. But hey, it was over 7 years that I did not draw at all so I guess it’s not that bad.

I still get the RSD aftermath feels everytime I post my drawings somewhere because I still feel like I don’t get enough attention nor approval and it makes me feel like I have no talent nor skills, but at least I’m again enjoying the drawing process the same way I did when I was a kid.