#I drew a good half of these mid-mental breakdown

[anoant-haikyuu-dump]

Fukutora sketching, I think they’d be clingers

[anywherebuthere]

I had a dream about you last night || j.p.

James Potter x fem!reader

“Even when you’re gone, you are all that haunts my dreams.”

Wordcount: 1969

A/N: Happy (belated) birthday to the only man ever <33 I am illiterate, so I had a mental breakdown writing this <3 please enjoy!! special thanks to @anchoeritic and @gxtitobxby for supporting me via discord and for making fun of the time I got hit by a car :)) @skullsontess07​ I finally posted it pls don’t hurt me <33

Warnings: alcohol, allusions to sex, death, bad writing, especially towards the end. barely proofread because I don’t believe in mistakes <3 /j

Please do not repost this!! I do not consent to this piece of fiction being published on any other site besides tumblr unless it by my doing.

The ticking of the grandfather clock thrummed in James’ ears as he tipped back the empty bottle, the smell of whiskey heavy in the air. He leaned his head against the cold surface of the white plaster wall, scanning the textured ceiling with misty eyes. His home, still half furnished, was riddled with traces of something better forgotten. Even with the weight of alcohol on his breath, his mind is running with memories and daydreams of her. 

He closed his eyes, forcing the imagery away. In the distance, a train chugged on, its lone whistle echoing in the night, and James can’t help but be pulled into an uneasy slumber, memories still flashing through his mind like a broken film. 

-

“Prongs, you git! We’re going to miss the train if you don’t hurry your fat arse.” Remus shouted, frustration seeping into his humoured voice. 

“Relax Moony, we’ll be fine,” he replied, breath heaving slightly from sprinting across Platform 9¾, just narrowly having avoided knocking over an elderly witch. 

As the four boys approached the entrance of the cart, the train’s departing whistle blared. They boarded quickly, though not without receiving a glare from a crew member.

Hurrying down the corridor, the boys glanced through every compartment window, though each appeared to be full of giggling sixth years. That is, with the exception of one.

Near the back end of the Hogwarts Express, was, at last, an empty compartment save for a singular figure slumped against the window. With no other choice of seating, the gaggle of boys slipped in silently, Sirius and Remus snagging the seats opposite to the slumbering girl, their pinkies linked as they whispered conspiratorially amongst themselves. 

Peter, as adverse to the female race as ever, took the seat closest to the door, leaving James to be wedged between the mousy blonde and the stranger, careful not to bump her with his broad shoulders.

The train ride was filled with hushed whispers as the marauders discussed this year's prank for the welcoming feast, a customary tradition they held sacred, as to “start the year right.” 

As they began going over the mechanisms of their plan, they felt the train begin to swerve as it approached a sharp turn. The compartment shook slightly and James suddenly felt a weight on his right side.

He stiffened, glancing over to see that the girl’s head had lulled over from the compartment wall and onto his shoulder. James recognized her as a student in their year. Y/N, who had tutored Regulus the same day that James had helped Sirius prank him as petty revenge for a now long-forgotten argument. 

And well, perhaps James had wanted her to notice him for once. If so, it had been a successful endeavour as he remembered the way her face had contorted in anger, though her attention had remained just as elusive for the remainder of their fifth year. So… perhaps not so successful.

He flushed at the memory. She was now even prettier than the year prior.

“Oh? Is that a blush we see, Moony?” Sirius taunted, nudging Remus with his elbow as he snickered at James’ scowl.

“Bloody hell, piss off, will you? You’ll wake her–” 

He felt her suddenly stir beside him, brows creasing as though on the cusp of consciousness. 

James held his breath.

The moment passed as Y/N nudged her face further into the crook of his neck before settling back into a peaceful slumber.

Perhaps he wouldn’t need the prank to start the year right this time around. 

-

It seemed that sixth year would be a good one for James. 

In the early morning of a mid-March day, an unlikely scene unfolded between the shelves of Hogwarts’ library. There he sat beside a bleary Y/N, voice still drowsy with sleep as she read aloud a passage from the Herbology textbook perched between them.

Initially, James had detested the thought of having to wake up at such an ungodly hour for the sake of a project. No other time had fit, not with his Quidditch practices and her absurd number of tutoring sessions. 

Though now, as the early rays of sunrise filtered through the library’s mullioned windows onto her skin, James thinks that there is nowhere else he would rather be.

He thinks this moment will be ingrained in his mind forever. 

“–once a century, the Flutterby bush produces flowers able to attract the unwary.” she paused to yawn, eyebags evident as she turned to meet James’ gaze. She scrunched her nose and he swore he swooned at the very sight. “Are you even listening to me, Potter?”

“I’m always listening to you,” he replied, tilting his head. She grins in response and he notices just how beautiful it is. 

She shifted her gaze back to the textbook lying in their laps, picking up where she had left off.

“Its scent adapts–”

James leaned forward suddenly, capturing her lips in his. The book fell closed between them.

Immediately, almost though by instinct, Y/N reciprocates, moving her lips gently against his as her hand cups his cheek. James finds himself gripping that hand as his other wraps around her waist, finding the small of her back and pulling her impossibly close against him.

She tasted of cherry chapstick and peppermint bubblegum, and though there was nothing particularly special about those flavours, on her, James swears that he could drown in his intoxication alone. Her perfume wafts through the air, the scent causing him to groan against her mouth. 

When they separated at last, his head was swimming in euphoria, his expression dazed. Y/N blinked up at him, sleep wiped entirely from her expression.

“Its scent adapts itself during these times to attract said unwary.” she finishes, sounding breathless still, voice trailing off as James began to laugh hysterically.

She rolled her eyes, smiling sheepishly. 

When James still couldn’t stop laughing, Y/N gripped his haphazardly tied red and gold tie, using it to pull his soft lips against hers once more and he was sure in his mind that there would no one else for him.

-

Beneath a great oak tree in the courtyard lay two figures. Under the tree’s twisting branches, they hid in its cool shade from the sweltering afternoon sun. Few places aside from the castle offered shelter from June’s blistering heat and as the semester approached its end, they finally allowed themselves to rest in the gentle breeze. 

James was leaning against the thick trunk while Y/N’s head lay in his lap. His elbow was resting on her abdomen as she drew on his hand, doodling intricate flower designs alongside some… less desirable things.

He felt his heart swell with joy as her laughter filled the summer air and before he could catch himself, he blurted out the thought that had been weighing in the back of his mind since they had started dating.

“Do you ever think about your future?" 

He felt the scratch of her muggle pen slow, as though pausing in thought.

"I want to grow old and die surrounded with people I love, knowing I lived a long and fulfilling life. You know, typical boring stuff," she replied after a moment's consideration. Her eyes twinkled with more, though Y/N never indulged in half-thought-out plans. 

"What about you?" she questioned with the tip of her head. James didn’t need time to think about it. He had known his answer since that fateful September morning when she had slept on his shoulder throughout the entirety of the train ride.

"I don't care what my future is as long as you're there" he answers truthfully.

Y/N flushed, her ears heated. She looked away, the corners of her lips turning up in the barest hint of a smile.

James freed his hand from her loose grasp, hooking her chin to look back towards him before leaning in to kiss her.

Even after all these months, he relished in the taste of her lips. He doubts he’ll ever be able to get enough of the feeling.

He doubts he’ll ever be able to get enough of her.

-

The sun was setting in the west on a quiet evening, its golden rays shining on the slick skin of two lovers as they untangled themselves from the sheets, unable to hold in their laughter when one got his foot stuck in the knot of their crochet blanket. 

The air hung heavy with the scent of sweat and endorphins as Y/N laid back, her body still bare, not bothering to cover it.

James propped his elbow beside her head, careful not to press on her spread-out hair, his face filled with ecstasy and pure bliss. 

He will never get used to the sight of her in his bed, giggling as the sun reflected off her silky skin. The image of her underneath him is cemented in his mind, permanently lodged there as solid as concrete. He knows now with absolute certainty that there would be no one else for him. 

James’ smile widened further as he nudged his nose into the crook of her neck, leaning in to place a kiss there when his vision blurred.

It was no longer sunset. Rather, the two of them were now enveloped in the dark of night and James is certain he hears the echo of a familiar spell ring off in the distance.

He pulls away from Y/N’s neck. 

She was no longer shaking with laughter, but rather, writhing in pain. There were lacerations all across her torso and James felt something sticky underneath his hands.

They were laying in a pool of her blood.

Panic clawed at his throat and though he had never been averse to the sight of blood, yours was an exception. The taste of bile clung to his tongue. 

“No... No no no no no,” he whispered in disbelief. Swivelling his head, outside the window, he spots a cloaked figure wearing a mask of silver disapparate. 

“No!” 

Grasping for the wand strapped to his side, he murmurs a healing spell, gasping for breath when the wounds remain open. His head was spiralling as Y/N shook her head almost imperceptibly, grabbing at his wrist with a shaking hand.

Carved into her arm was the word “MUDBLOOD” and James felt his vision turn red, suddenly hyper-aware of the blood pumping through his veins.

“James…” she rasped. He gripped her shaking hand.

“Why isn’t it working? Why?” he cried, tears streaming down his face, struggling to breathe.

“Whatever our souls are made of,” she gasped, blood spurting out of her mouth. Her beautiful mouth, the one that tasted of cherries and peppermint, was covered in thick, crimson blood. “you and I are connected.” 

“No! Stop with this rubbish, you’re not going to die!” he sobbed, gripping her bloodied hand like a vice. She continued as though he hadn’t even spoken.

Perhaps she was too far gone to hear him.

“Wh-whatever is beyond this life,” violent ruby coated her mouth as she coughed, blood splattering onto her smooth skin. “Promise me, y-you’ll find me again.”

“I promise,” he cried, sobs racking through his body. 

But she was already gone.

-

James woke with a start, gasping for breath with the taste of blood and “promise” still coating his tongue. He was alone in a house built for two.

In his fitful sleep, he had knocked over the empty bottle of whiskey beside him.

She had hated whiskey.

Had. 

A fresh wave of misery washed over James, adding to the dull pain that never seemed to go away, throbbing through him as naturally as the blood in his veins. It wasn’t enough that she existed still within every corner of their shared home.

Even in his dreams, he is haunted by her memory.

ㄧ

@catching-the-train-to-hogwarts

[equestrianwritingsstuff]

For the BTHB, maybe friendly fire with hero x villain making a team together but somehow hero just go confused and stabs villain?

If you are uncomfortable, please ignore it! Be safe <3

Circle for completed, heart for requested

Thank you for the ask! I am comfortable with everything other than rape/sex things (being on a farm makes you see some very icky things). But thanks anyways!

This is an example of not doing the multiple parts because 1.) it is an event and 2.) the ask was anonymous.

Umbrakinesis

@badthingshappenbingo

Warnings: stab wound, unconsciousness, breaking in, major character death, family feud, attempted murder, grief, crying

*not edited*

~

Hero sat at the cafe, idly sipping at her hot mocha and watched as the costumers walked in and out. She didn't exactly pay attention to them for she was looking for someone with more notable features.

"Hey Hero." The person she was waiting for slid into the seat ahead of her.

"Villain," Hero nodded her head and took a long sip. Villain waited, his piercing hazel gaze glowering.

"Are you done?" Villain asked after a while. Hero smiled and swallowed.

"Yup," she replied, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"This is serious Hero," Villain groaned. "Supervillain has taken over half the city and is stopping my operations."

"Sounds like a problem for you to smooth out," Hero replied. "Not me."

"If Supervillain over powers me, the whole city is in peril."

Hero was silent for a moment, thinking of Villain's words. He was right- Villain might be ruthlessly cruel, but Supervillain was devilishly evil. To him, killing was a hobby, whereas Villain thought of it more as protection.

Not that Hero agreed with Villain's actions or sympathized with his reasons, but if she had the choice to choose between them, it would be Villain.

"Okay why do you need my help?" Hero pushed aside her drink.

"The power that flows through your veins is pure energy, not diluted or an off-brand. It is indestructible and unattainable. Between my ability to travel through the shadows and you, we can kill Supervillain in his sleep."

Hero scrunched her forehead. She knew that Villain wanted Supervillain off the streets, but not dead, and based on the distant look on Villain's face, it seemed that he wasn't entirely certain either.

"You sure about this?" Hero asked softly. Villain's eyes seemed to snap back into the present.

"Yeah," he said, pushing himself out of the wooden cafe seat. "Meet you tonight at the park."

《~~》

Hero found Villain leaning against the swings after ten minutes of walking around, searching.

"You could've told me when are where exactly," Hero pointed out in a joking manner. Villain looked at her and half-smiled.

"Should've, you're right. Look, the plan is to turn off the power to Supervillain's base. We need to get onto the room and shoot it down with your energy. That'll shut off all the electricity and open the doors also known as the Emergency Blackout Initiative. It's a safety hazard. Then, we knock out a couple henchman and change into their uniforms. We put the guards in a dumpster then galvanize it. Your powers should be able to melt the polyethylene. Should be, you'll have to get them up to 230 degrees. Can you do that?"

"Yeah, but give me some Mountain Dew afterwards."

"Check," Villain said, patting his backpack. "I know your preferences. Okay, next we are to need to get to the top floor. There are sensors throughout to record our molecular data and DNA, so we'll have to move fast. I can't take you through the shadows- you could get sick and that would be worse than getting shot by a taser. The doors to Supervillain's bedroom are fingerprint operative, but I met with Supervillain the other day to exchange surveillance data- apparently there was a breach in one of his laboratories. Anyways, I collected his fingerprints so we are good to go. Then, we..."

Villain's voice trailed off. Hero stepped forward a foot, confused. Villain seemed to be suffering from some sort of mental breakdown.

"Then we kill him. He has umbrakinesis which is sort of like mine, but he manipulates shadow. He can, and will, conjure an illusion. I will harness that energy and you, with your power, will use me as a reflector."

"Won't you die?" Hero asked. Villain shook his head, a real smile dawning on his lips, as he tapped his chest.

"I'm wearing an absorbing vest to dull your powers the second they hit me," Villain replied.

"I thought you said mine couldn't be obtained?"

"They can't be, but they can be absorbed and used. It's really their only fatal flaw."

"That's the same thing," Hero crossed her arms, eyes twinking, but Villain didn't seem to be in the mood for light teasings.

He just shrugged and adjusted his backpack.

(Skipping the break in so it won't get too long)

"Okay," Villain said as he ran the piece of tape over the small, black box. It illuminated into a neon green, showing the crevices and swirls of the scanned fingerprint, before disappearing with the lock clicked.

Of course Supervillain's room wouldn't be unlocked during the Emergency Blackout Initiative. Just had to make things so much harder.

The pair stepped into the clinical room, weapons raised. Hero held a dagger while Villain was equipped with an electric gun.

The supervillain was slumbering on his bed, snoring softly, with his whole body splayed out. He looked so comfortable that Hero felt like it was illegal to wake him.

"Okay, maybe if he doesn't awake we can just-" Hero made an extravagant gesture with her hands that awkwardly symbolized a gorey kill.

Villain shrugged and holstered his gun, walking up to the sleeping figure.

It wasn't until Hero saw them side by side that she saw it.

The exact same, brown hair with the same tanned complexion. Slightly crooked nose and wide, bushy eyebrows.

They were twins.

Villain knelt next to Supervillain and ran his hand over his sibling's ear. "Hey bud," he whispered, voice thick with emotion. "I hope you realize that I am only doing this for the city's sake; not that I hate you. Oh boy, I don't hate you, I love you. I love you so much!" Villain broke down into sobs, cradling his twins head.

"Villain?" Supervillain asked blearily, trying to pull away. "What are you-"

"Hero now. Do it now, please," Villain begged.

Like she was in a dream, Hero drifted over to the bedside. Supervillain's hazel eyes darted to her.

"What's going on? What's, what's..." Then he saw the glint of metal, the dagger in Hero's hand. "No, no, no... Villain what are you doing?" He thrashed in his twin's hold, gasping for breath.

"I'm sorry," Villain cried, pressing his lips to Supervillain's head. "So sorry."

Hero dove in, but where Supervillain's body was, there was just the mattress.

Suddenly she was hit back, flying in the air until she met with a hard wall. Groaning, she laid there stunned. When the spinning was vanquished, she saw that Villain was in the same predicament.

"Are you okay?" Hero asked. Villain nodded, but he made no effort to stand.

A shimmering figure appeared beside her and Hero lunged for it, but only swiped at thin air. It then appeared at her other side, so she tried again.

She tried until she was leaning against the wall, dizzy and out of breath.

"He's making an illusion," Villain muttered, rubbing his eyes. He looked so tired and so sad that Hero just wanted to poof them both out of there.

But that wouldn't help the situation, or the direness of Supervillain's ruling and power.

"Can't you do what we discussed?" Hero asked.

"Yeah," Villain replied, slowly standing up. He then waited, pupils darting about, until suddenly he reached forward and grabbed something seemingly invisible.

Another figure then appeared next to Villain. A woman, mid-aged leaning towards elderly, stood by him, caressing his cheek.

"My dear, dear son," she spoke, voice soothingly hypnotizing. "What are you are doing dear? You know better than to play with your brother's powers."

Villain's hazel eyes seemed to cloud and he swayed. "M-mom?" He croaked, leaning heavily against the wall.

"Yes, it's me dear. Give me back those shadows." The woman extended an unnaturally smooth hand, not lidden with garbles and veins that an older lady would have.

Villain held out his hands, then snapped out of it at the last second. But the woman smacked Villain's head so hard that it snapped back and smashed into the wall behind him. He fell into an unconscious heap.

The woman's body shimmered until it was out of existence and Supervillain stepped out from a door-like portal. Out of the shadows, Hero realized, stepping back into a corner.

"Oh dear brother," Supervillain crouched down and grabbes Villain's limp head. "It's not you who should be sorry, it's me." Supervillain wrapped his hands around Villain's throat and squeezed.

Hero's heart started pumping rapidly. No, he was going to kill Villain. She stepped out of the corner, dagger raised. Slowly, she stalked towards Supervillain...

"Whatcha doing?" Supervillain asked, halting his murder, and turning to look at Hero. Villain's body drew in a large exhale.

"Killing you," she said, but before she had a chance to land the killing blow, the pair vanished.

Then reappeared behind her.

Then in front.

Then above.

"Stop that," Hero growled, swinging aimlessly.

Suddenly, the vaporizing ceased and ended with one of the villains slamming the other against the wall.

Before they could do their trick again, Hero dove the dagger into the front one's side.

The villain turned slowly around, limbs trembling in shock, as he shakily brushed his fingers over the dagger.

"What, what." The villain fell to his knees, tears building in his eyes.

Hero felt the blood drained from her face and she too, knelt down to be face to face with him. "Villain," she breathed, fingers dancing over the hilt.

Villain swayed, so Hero wrapped him in a hug, mouth open in a soundless sob. She stole a glance at Supervillain who was staring at the scene in shock, clutching his fingers and pulling them nervously.

"Mm Hero," Villain groaned, head involuntarily falling into the crease of her neck.

"I got you buddy, I got you," she rubbed his back soothingly even though she could feel his body slipping.

Supervillain's chin trembled as he tried to hold back a cry. Soon it became too much and he thrusted his head into his hands. "I don't want him to die. I don't want him to die."

Hero ran her hand through Villain's hair. He sniffled, pulling himself into Hero with his last bout of strength.

Hero sobbed as he fell limp in her grasp. The wound was too big and positioned perfectly to hit an artery- it was a blow made her killing.

"No!'" Supervillain cried, running forward abd grabbing his brother's body. "No, no, no, no, no."

He squeezed Villain, grabbed his hand, but nothing revived him. The supervillain sobbed wildly, screamed even, until he slowly picked up his head.

"You killed him," Supervillain growled, lunging forward to attack Hero. She reacted quickly, sending Supervillain off with a bolt of energy. He landed on the ground motionless other than a few sporadic twitching from the current of electricity. Tears were drying on his cheeks.

Hero looked from the unconscious brother to the dead one. She would have to bury Villain, in a meadow, and Supervillain... he needed help.

[thecomposerofstories]

Information on Amy.

(Be warned it's a ~little bit~ long, any other pieces of information you want to know I'll gladly answer if you ask.)

~General Information~

Fandom: Toy Story.

Name: Amy the Ragdoll.

Nickname, if any: Amy, Ames, and Doll-Face(usually by more villainous characters or used in a joking manner).

Gender: Female.

Sexuality: ??? (I mean I know the gender of who she has a crush on, but I'm unsure on what her actual sexuality should be tbh)

Age: Mentally, mid-twenties in the first story second movie, thirties to forties in the third and fourth. Physically, she doesn’t have an age, but in regards to when she was made (the 1950’s) makes her fifty to sixty.

City they currently live in: San Francisco, apparently that’s where Toy Story takes place.

Any pets: Would Rex count? He just follows her around like a nervous puppy.

Current occupation: I mean she’s practically a therapist, but she’s a toy and she only treats Rex so it probably doesn’t count lol

~Physical Appearance~

Height: 10 inches.

Body type: Stocky, but a bit gangly too, similar to Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Eye colour: Black.

Skin tone: Light.

Clothing style: Pale green/turquoise shirt with short puffed sleeves, with a denim dungaree dress with a daisy print in the centre over it. She wears yellow rain boots.

Hairstyle: No style, it’s just there. It’s messy and gets in her face easily and is made out of dark brown thin string.

~Speech/Language/Communication~

Amy speaks quietly and politely, rambles a bit if left without a reply or under pressure, very nervous in front of intimidating characters.

First language: English.

Learned languages: A bit of Spanish (Ya’ll remember Toy Story 3!)

Accent: American.

Pitch of voice: High, but soft, not quite annoying, unless she’s stressed, then it gets very pitchy and shrill.

~Behaviour/Habits~

Amy tends to just stand there when she can’t find anything to do, and will immediately try to find Rex, Hamm, Buzz or Jessie if surrounded by strangers (Though she’s not sure if it’s for their comfort or her own) Amy is very polite.

Spending habits: She doesn’t like to be made a fuss of at all, the very fact of someone giving something to her is unnerving (even if the thing never costed anything at all) and she feels compelled to give the giver something in return.

Morning routine: She gets up same time as the others, but wishes she could stay in bed a bit longer though. Before she came to Andy’s room, her sleep pattern was all over the place.

Bedtime routine: Similar to above, now she goes to bed the same time as the others, but before she just slept and got up willy-nilly.

Nervous habits: Amy will try to find Rex if she’s nervous, and she’ll pretend it’s because she’s worried for him, which is quite true, but she also just feels most safe with him. Speaking of, Amy will let Rex hold her hand and squish it whenever he or Amy is nervous, it’s calming to the both of them.

Bad habits: Not a very good exerciser, but then again, she’s spend basically half her life in a small attic, so I’ll give her a break.

Skills/talents: She’ very logical, mind-over-matter, (mostly, very good at calming others down and/or convincing them. She’s very good at spelling and knows quite a lot of words, some of which others haven’t even heard of.

Hobbies: Reading, talking (especially with Rex, Jessie or Hamm), and generally just lazing about or walking around somewhere, on her own or with a friend.

~The Past~

Amy’s first owner was a little girl called Alice. Alice loved nothing more than to read Amy stories (Mostly fairy tales), but of course, Alice grew up like all kids do, and she left Amy in the attic for someone else to have her.

Amy waited for many years, and all that time she’d never given up that someone would find her.

She thought she’s hit the jackpot when Andy and his family move into Alice’s old house, but they don’t go up into the attic to collect her. Some weeks later, though, Andy’s mother brings a set of boxes filled with junk into the attic and leaves. Woody, Buzz, Slinky, and Rex were trapped in one of the boxes (Call me a cheater but this part was actually inspired by a Toy Story comic, where those four toys get stuck in the attic that way and have to escape. It struck me odd that they never met at least one new friend there, so I made one. It was also my first story, I needed some inspiration!)

Amy, in a fit of panic, goes and hides.

But then she’s found by Rex as he and the others try to find a way out.

They then decide to let the strange, dust-covered ragdoll come back to Andy’s rom with them. (well, Rex did, anyway.)

Home town: Would Alice’s old room count? But it’s now Andy’s Room, so it won’t count will it?

Happy or sad childhood: Pretty normal to be honest, as normal a life as a toy could have anyway. And as for sadness, having spent all that time on her own for all those years, having missed out on so much, is a little sad. But Amy made sure she never became bitter over it or used it as an excuse for anything.

Earliest memory: Waking up in her toy store, with a friend of hers for company (a ragdoll Prospector, a much as she remembers) and as she gets bought by Alice’s Auntie, she says she hopes he gets picked up by a kid. (Unbeknownst to her, she would meet him again in a while to find out he never got to experience it)

Saddest memory: One, being left by Alice, yet being so happy for her and how much she’s grown up, if she could cry tears of joy for her owner, she would. Two, some (or most) of the days she spent waiting for a new owner to arrive. And three, watching Rex have a mental breakdown of anxiety.

Happiest memory: One, the time she and Alice went to the park, (Amy absolutely adores nature) Two after sliding down a drainpipe to get to Andy’s room, and three, having known she’d helped her friend out.

Significant events: Being bought, being left in an attic, being rescued from the attic, while gaining some new friends.

~Family~

The entirety of Andy’s room, whether they like it or not, they’re all in this together and are some kind of mish-mash, found family in a sense.

Siblings: I’ve been thinking of giving Amy a brother (since I based her on Raggedy Ann, a matching bootleg Raggedy Andy seems reasonable) bur I’m unsure about it, since I’ve already mapped out Amy’s entire series of stories (Around six or seven all together, so far I’m currently writing only the third) and I can only fit him in the fifth or sixth if I can.

~Relationships~

Romantically? I’d like to say she has a crush on Rex, I don’t know why I thought of it, I was contemplating it one day as I sketched a rough (and terrible) sketch of her, and I drew Rex too because he’s just so fun to draw and I wanted to make a scale for Amy’s size, and one of my friends (who had been watching me) immediately said “I ship it!” and well, the rest is history, I made the decision to ship it too.

Friends: Jessie, Hamm, Buzz, and Rex are her closet friends, but she’d like to say that all the Gang are her friends. Later on she becomes good friends with Mr. Prickle Pants, Buttercup, Trixie and Totoro, and she absolutely loves the peas and Forky.

Best friend(s): Hamm, Mr. Prickle Pants, Jessie, and Rex.

What do people like about them? Amy’s pretty easy to talk to, she’s polite and attentive and will sit in companionable silence with someone if they need it. But she won’t hesitate to give hard truths and advice if it’s needed.

What do people dislike about them? Amy is quite a doormat, if someone is rude to her or breaches anything she just lets it happen, and sometimes she’s too indecisive about her own stuff, unsure whether she’s going to offend others or not over the smallest things, which annoys others quite a bit.

~Mentality/Personal Beliefs~

Amy is a toy of logic, and though she believes others can do it if they set their minds to it, she doesn’t quite believe in herself. She believes she must follow the rules of being a toy at all times, no matter what.

Phobias: Dust. She hates it. It took a good five weeks to brush all the dust out her hair and clothes, and even so there’s still some in her pockets and places she can’t reach. And being alone, too. Now she can’t be alone for more than an hour before she starts to get antsy and nervous. And for a short time books gave her a strange tiredness, after reading them for so long and for so many years she couldn’t even stand the sight of them.

But of course, not for long, since Amy found out Andy had a copy of Red’s Dream by a Mr. William Reeves.

Optimist or pessimist: Depends on the situation really, if her mind can’t come up with a solution, then there’s no point in trying anymore. Unless someone else can think of something, that is.

Personal philosophies: “You are here to make good things happen. No person here is made for one reason only, or even only one. There’s no point in pretending to be someone you’re not just for the attention of others, no matter how cool they are. We should find are own meaning, as we’re the only ones who have control of it.

It’ll take a while, but I swear, it’ll be worth it.”

Biggest dream/wish: Amy wants nothing more than to find meaning for herself, but finds it rather hard to do so. Of course, that doesn’t mean she’ll settle for someone else’s meaning. As cheesy as it sounds, she just wants an adventure. She doesn’t necessarily want to be the hero, though, she’s just happy to go along with the ride so long as it gets her out the house for a few hours. She also, above all else, wants Rex to find meaning too, even if she never does, it would be nice to know that he had.

Greatest strength(s): Persuasion, story-telling, logic, and good grammar.

Biggest flaw: Despite being a ragdoll, Amy can’t sew because of her fingerless hands, which are just soft mittens in shape. Amy is also quite a doormat, as I said before, so if her calm persuasion and reasoning doesn’t work, she’s left to be walked all over.

Regrets: Staying in that dratted attic too long, the window was open, she could’ve just climbed out, but no, she had to stay there for some mind-rotting decades. But if she had just escaped, she would never have met her new friends. Amy just wishes she had met them a lot sooner.

Achievements: Escaped the attic, slid down a drainpipe, leapt onto the windowsill (though nearly knocking Woody and Buzz over in the process) stopped her friend from having a panic attack, and managed to remember the entire Dictionary and is able to recite it down from A to Z, and even Z to A.

Secrets: Not much, just strange feelings for one of her friends, but it’s not much of a secret, Bo knows, and Mr. Potato Head and Hamm could see it from a mile away, and the others have their suspicions.

Goals: Read the entirety of Andy’s (and later Bonnie’s) bookshelves, become more confident in herself, have her own book-worthy adventure, and figure out what those strange feelings for her friend is.

~Likes/Favourites~

Favourite colour: Even before meeting Rex, Amy’s favourite colour was always green. Every time Alice had taken her to the park, Amy adored watching the sunlight pour through the leaves with a golden-green glow.

Favourite book(s): Because it’s sentimental to her, being her owner’s favourites, she loves Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Peter Pan, and The Wizard of Oz. They all hold similar plots (a little girl in a blue dress goes to a fantasy land, has a few adventures, and then leaves said fantasy land to go home to her family and responsibilities) but it reminds Amy of her old owner Alice (who was actually named after Alice from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland) and their playtimes together.

Favourite Book Quotation(s):

“Green is the prime color of the world, and that from which its loveliness arises.”

“There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The true courage is facing danger when you are afraid.”

Favourite movie: Amy does much prefer books, since they allow her to imagine the setting and characters in her own way, but doesn’t mind movies, and isn’t picky on what they watch, though she does quite like horror films.

Favourite song: Amy likes any kind of music, new or old.

Favourite game: Amy never really cared for games, the competitiveness always bothered her and stressed her out. But she’s more than happy to watch Rex play his video games and cheer him on.

~Relationships with other characters~

~Rex~

- Hit it off pretty quickly.

- Amy helps him with his anxiety, and helps him find confidence in himself, she acts as a certain therapist to him.

- Both become very stressed without the other around.

- Rex will hold and knead at Amy’s hands sometimes; it calms him down.

- Rex will let Amy ride on his back if she’s tired or needs to see something (Because she’s so short).

- One of them can basically be talking about the most boring-est things ever, yet still the other will hang on to their every word.

~Jessie~

- Became friends pretty quickly.

- Will drag Amy along anywhere.

- Get along fairly well.

- Jessie does the talking and Amy does the planning.

- Jessie always pranks the other toys and makes Amy tag along (along with Hamm).

- Introvert/Extrovert dynamic for sure.

- Both were left in alone for years so like to find solace in each other.

~Hamm~

- Hamm begrudgingly warmed up to the timorous ragdoll.

- Surprisingly good pals.

- Have full conversations without saying anything.

- Like to sit and look out of the window together.

- Hamm makes Amy laugh when she really shouldn’t (mainly when he makes fun of the other toys, mainly Woody).

- Hamm makes fun of Amy having a crush on Rex every once in a while, though he doesn’t mean any harm.

~The Potato Heads~

- Mr. doesn’t really interact with Amy much, but finds her surprisingly tolerable, if a bit high-strung and annoying.

- Like Hamm, Mr. makes Amy laugh at the most wrong moments.

- She and Mrs. Are quite good friends, and she sometimes lets Amy take care of the aliens if she and her husband are busy.

~Woody~

- Are aquianteces.

- Don’t exactly interact much, even though the whole room practically revolves around him, in Amy’s opinion, though she would never say it to his face.

~Buzz~

- Amy thinks he’s super cool (then again, he is Buzz Lightyear, he practically invented coolness)

- Both are just as clueless as one another when it comes to social cues and interactions.

- Amy helps him with vocabulary and spelling every once in a while.

~Mr. Prickle Pants~

- Are absolute BFF’s.

- Go back and forth with book quotes to the point of driving the other toys insane.

~Bo Peep~

- Amy's not exactly sure if Bo has befriended her or not.

- (She has)

- They later become good friends.

- Amy misses their talks, Bo was one of the only toys she could talk to that could keep a secret.

[nikstersss]

Not How To Pass The PLE

Before I go into the main gist of this post, let me give you a small background story. I was a mid-year post-graduate intern in Manila who started in January 2021. I lived alone in our condo unit near the hospital I went to. My usual routine was to get up early, prep, take a short walk to the trike station where I’d take a tricycle to the hospital, go on duty, insert a coffee or carioca break in between, walk all the way home at the end of the day, then maybe have a short study session with a couple friends after dinner or just chill at home. It was a pretty good setup. But then COVID happened. Suddenly, I was a pandemic e-ntern stuck at home listening to Zoom endorsements and lectures all day. At first I was hopeful that things would somehow go back to normal and maybe I wouldn’t be spending the rest of my internship in front of a screen, but we all know how that turned out. 

I finished the first half of my internship with the regular year PGIs online. While they were prepping for their boards, I was on my second half with the new batch of interns (that’s probably you, dear reader)—still online. Now you might think that it would have been wise of me to use all that “free” time to start early with my own boards prep and you would be correct. I thought the exact same thing. And trust me, I tried. And failed. Countless times. I won’t even try to justify it. Admittedly, I still think it was a wasted opportunity to read more and make notes, but then again, there’s no use crying over spilled milk. Besides, while it would have been nice and probably less stressful, I still survived without it. Which means that you can, too. So if you’re one of those who’s berating himself because you “didn’t make the most out of your time”, cut it out. You’ll be fine.

Towards the end of my internship, I enrolled in a review center. Despite the asynchronous setup, the review schedule was super tight and the sessions already started while I was still in the middle of final reports and exams. Needless to say, I was already behind on that before it even began. In fact, I didn’t even get to focus on reviewing itself until maybe around early February because of clearance, paperwork, and application stuff. So if you were to ask me how long I really reviewed for the March 2021 boards, I’d say just a little over a month. Kasalanan ko. Wag po tularan. Stressful siya. Nakakaloka. 

And even when I did get to really buckle down and do some intense reading, I didn’t follow the program anymore. I tried to catch up at first, but I was already way behind. But I am grateful for all the summarized material because that meant I didn’t have to pore over the mother books anymore. What I will say, though, is that because I didn’t exactly follow the recommended study hours etcetera, I was able to enjoy the whole process because I did it at my own pace. Sure, there was still that dread that maybe I wasn’t on the same level as the others, but I learned to tune those thoughts out eventually. And that’s where goal-setting and discipline comes in, I guess. 

The most common question I’ve been getting is what was my day like during the PLE review season. Honestly, I’d like to say I had a routine I followed, but that’s only half-true. While I did have a structure for my day, I rarely followed it exactly. Nevertheless, allow me to share what it would have been like if I did: 

Ideally, I’d wake up at 5:00 A.M. then do my morning routine which included prayer and meditation, making my bed, taking a shower, and brewing coffee. And because I’m the type of person who enjoys these mundane activities and slow mornings, I also took this opportunity to get myself in the zone before all the studying that’s to come. I’d plan out my study goals and outline (something you can do the night before, actually) then maybe have breakfast while watching some videos (could be review-related, or those self-motivational vids, or maybe even Korean street food). I’d do whatever I wanted to wake my brain up without stressing it out too much until around 6:30 A.M. By this time, I’d work on backlogs for about an hour and study until about 10 or 11 A.M.—it depends how in the zone I am. I’d prep and cook lunch and then eat while watching Netflix maybe or even play a bit of Fortnite or Paladins until about 1:00 P.M. At this point, I’m pretty certain to be quite sleepy so it’s either I make coffee or tea, or maybe even go out to study at a coffee shop, and then it’s study all the way until 7 P.M. I then take a break to get some exercise, take a shower, have a light dinner, and if I feel like I deserve it, nap for a little bit. At around 8:30, my family usually calls and then we pray the rosary together. After this, I study again, but more of a recall and review session for the day’s progress until about 11:30. I then have my night self-care routine and then go to sleep around midnight. 

The main takeaway from the previous paragraph? “Ideally.”

During the first few days of setting up my schedule or routine, following it was already challenging, but still doable. But then the backlogs started piling up and no matter how much I tried to streamline the whole study process, I just couldn’t keep up. I did what I could to follow study habits and schedules, but the setup was falling apart. And you know what? That was okay. 

Normally, my type A self would have been so frustrated already with how poorly I was handling my review season. Admittedly, there were a few meltdowns and anxiety attacks as the exam drew nearer, but for the most part, I just let things happen as they did. I still adjusted, sure, but I wasn’t hard on myself for always having to. I kept changing goals when I didn’t meet them (which was probably 80% of the time). There were even instances where I’d finish a handout and then I’d say that okay, I’ll watch an episode for a reward, but that episode became the entire season. While I considered myself to be the most chill reviewee, I also thought I was the worst because I refused to give up any of my wants for my needs. I resisted, of course, but then they’d bug me the entire time I was studying so instead of staying productive, I’d just annoy the hell out of myself. I was probably just lazy and stubborn. LOL. Long story, short, it was a constant battle. 

There were times when I felt confident enough to power through the whole thing. I enjoyed the whole process of studying, actually. Making notes and my own ways of memorizing things was fun. I made use of different study strategies, self-checks, and motivational boosters (more on these on a different post). Aside from these, having review-mates who were just a chat away made things bearable. Breakdown session muna tas aral na ulit. And how could I forget all my sweet friends who would send over coffee ayuda every now and then? To me, passing the boards, while mainly should be for oneself and one’s self-actualization, is also about not letting down these people who have been with you throughout your journey. 

But it wasn’t always a hyped-90s-movie-transformation-montage kind of environment. Other times, I was just worn out and dejected by my lack of progress. In the already meager time I had to study, I still had plenty of off-days. Concepts just wouldn’t stick and it was disappointing how I’d already forgotten what I just read a couple days ago. It got really tiring even if I was staying indoors all the time. I missed the comfort of coffee shops and the company of study buddies. I missed my family. I wanted to hug our dog. There were days when I couldn’t even bring myself to make coffee and open my notes. I even reached a point where I was sure that I wouldn’t finish reading all the material. (I kid you not, I have handouts I never got to open.) 

Yet here I am. Here I am writing about how I survived all that and got those two letters attached to my name. I am not a good example, obviously. There are hundreds better than me and you probably should be taking advice from them instead. I’m simply writing this to tell you that you don’t have to worry. This is all just to ease your anxieties about the PLE. I’m not saying it’s an easy feat that you can just achieve just like that. While I seemed rather complacent, I still put in the work, after all. Admittedly, I know I could have done more, but again, I’m not going to dwell on that anymore. It’s done. 

My goal in writing this is to let you know, my dear future doctor, that you’re going to be just fine. Here’s someone who understands the huge disconnect that stemmed from being a pandemic e-ntern. Here’s someone who’s always been doubtful and full of anxieties about the PLE even before she filed her application at the PRC. Here’s someone who constantly prayed that the PLE be moved even for just a month (or kahit two weeks lang masaya na ako nun) up to the week before the exam along with a rising number of cases. Here’s someone who barely has the capability to maintain focus for more than an hour. Here’s someone whose reading pace was literally at 10 minutes per page (yes, I actually timed it and IDK if that’s slow or really slow). Here’s someone who still allowed herself to study at coffee shops and even have samgyup (with proper health protocols, of course) even if she knew she was drowning in backlogs. 

My point is that if I managed to pass despite all that, you can, too. My close friends know that I developed a rather funny mentality to ease the jitters as the boards drew nearer. I knew and claimed it for myself that I would already pass. I viewed the whole PLE as just a “formality”--a means for His plans of me becoming a doctor to manifest in this realm. I believed it so much to the point that I thought that no matter what bloopers and slip-ups I have during the test, I’d still see my name on the list of board passers. I’m not saying you should totally ease up and just have a come-what-may attitude. Again, I’m not the model student you should be following here. What I’m saying is to have faith in yourself, your capabilities, and in God. So chin up, Doc. Just a little more ‘til you get to legally practice with that MD at the end of your name.

[josiebelladonna]

so last night, i got to thinking about all the pieces of writing i’ve ever written, starting from when i very first put a pencil to paper. i can’t explain it, but i feel like if something were to happen to me, i want this list to be online where the world can see it. one of my first fears is dying in obscurity and having my life’s work thrown in the garbage. so here’s a full list of everything i’ve ever written; my fanfictions are all on my ao3, josiebelladonna.

Burning Trees (c. 1999): starting in the last gasp of the 90s, my very first endeavor, at the age of six. named for the street my grandparents lived on (burning tree drive), but i can’t for the life of me remember what it was about.

i also wrote several short stories that never really went anywhere. five of which, i remember distinctly, but i don’t remember what i called them, though.

Three Sisters (April 2006): i started writing this around christmas 2005 and it was the one thing that served as an outlet for me; my grandpa had cancer and the family was slowly unraveling. the bullies at my school were also merciless, more so than they are here. i wrote this as like a companion piece to my only friend-at-the-time’s piece of writing; i forget what he wrote, though. he moved away shortly after i completed this, and my grandpa died in march. i wrote two sequels, if my memory rings true. i can’t remember what they’re called, though.

I Have Lived a Thousand Years (comic) (May 2007): my first taste of the world of comics! after having grown up with cartoons and illustrations in children’s books, i tried my hand at a graphic novel of sorts. this was a school project, but i’m counting it as such because it was the first endeavor for my cartoons. an accompanying comic to a book i was assigned to read, called “I Have Lived a Thousand Years”, about a hungarian girl and her kid brother surviving the holocaust together.

life in the paddock fanfictions (December 2007- mid-2009): life in the paddock was a comic series i did on the side to my school work, about formula 1 drivers at the time. i wrote, eight of these? short 2000-word stories, and they all came with drawings; one of them had pink floyd and rush make cameos, so, sorry soundgarden, but you weren’t the first rock band i drew together.

It’s an All Night Thing (December 2013): my first entry into fanfiction in over 4 years, about three girls hanging out with jeff and mike from pearl jam, and kim and ben from soundgarden in an all-night coffee shop. just chatting until the sunrise.

Untitled character stories (July 2015-April 2017): after my mental breakdown and move back to california, i pictured a whole horde of characters. there was a young boy named arthur, his godmother desi who was the ringmaster of a circus, his deceased mother rowena, his father ivan, his half-sister zelda, and his godfather vincent; a merman (and a whole colony of merfolk living at bikini atoll); three siblings living in a colony on pluto - alongside a whole space colony that had settled onto the moons of neptune, uranus, and saturn; and a boy journalist named lewis from pennsylvania. i also came up with a bunch of different types of ghosts to go with the elements (earth, wind, fire, and water ghosts). there was five of them, if i remember correctly.

Black Rain (December 2017): my good-bye to chris and technically my first novel. i actually started this one before my 24th birthday, as nothing more than a paragraph on a page; i kept picturing the aforementioned rowena, ivan, and vincent together as young kids. and then chris died, i went into hiding, and all bets were off after that. she has to save the new boy (whom she finds out is actually her cousin) from an abusive household while maintaining the front of a nursing student and trying to keep herself sane all the while. i also wrote this as my farewell to the 90s trend: i just saw it reaching a peak and then feeling stale in a few years time. one of the most violent things i’ve ever written, too.

Gray Ghost (March 2018): the sequel to black rain, where rowena had died and arthur wakes up in a strange ghost world where he doesn’t remember who he is and is unsure if his father is either ivan or vincent. my first playing around with the “unreliable narrator” trope.

Rain Dance (March 2018): or simply “Rain”. my love letter to olympic ice skating! it’s a lesbian romance that i have to yet fully upload onto ao3, but i’ll get it done soon enough; i also wrote a sequel called “rainy day boys”.

Blue Lights (September 2018): the aforementioned three siblings in space, two brothers, siegfried and hamilton, and a sister, minerva. it’s getting at the whole brave new world type thing, where you have people being made in laboratories while the scientists crafting them are also trying to find the key to immortality. but not without the consequences.

*note: i still have no idea what i’m going to do with the merfolk yet, but they are really interesting to me. fantasy creatures born out of a nuclear wasteland.

and then vincent’s story always fascinated me because his family hailed from new orleans (read: my love for southern gothic)

Night Owls (January 2019): my second endeavor into nanowrimo and my technical first on the site itself (black rain i wrote for nano 2017). after having lost her fiance to suicide, nicole meets several kids while at school... but there’s something “off” about them. she soon finds out they’re shapeshifters. it’s like my homage to animorphs, only instead of aliens, there are monsters, ghosts, and hellfire. not as violent as black rain, but it’s up there. i’ll be uploading this on ao3 in the new year, too, because i wrote this after i came off my hiatus and it was like all everyone wanted to do was shrug at me. “you took a break? oh, well, we’re all just going to be on your case from here on out.”

Have Your Cake and Eat It (June 2019): THE INFAMOUS HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT. my first venture into fanfiction in 6 years; lars is the other man for a woman in an abusive relationship. it was kind of getting at what rain had intended with a love of culture, but there’s lots and lots and lots of food involved. i split it into four books (bizcocho de pina colada, dulce de leche, pandekager, and wienerbrod) but on ao3, i put it all under the moniker of have your cake and eat it. 

*fun fact!: the arc between one of the minor characters, ashley starr, and her relationship with james laid the groundwork for a skeleton in the closet.

alone inside my mind (August 2019): the even more infamous alone inside my mind. i started this out of the ashes of flying equestrians given i felt like that wasn’t going anywhere, and rockfic was driving me nuts (also, seriously: don’t believe a single word daveigh tells you; i wrote the first multichapter anthrax fic, and that was equestrians). started life as a joey one shot, and then it turned into a rashomon type thing with stream of consciousness and unreliable narrator fused in, and given the nature of what we’re talking about here, it was one of those things where it got so weird, it actually got really funny. there’s aliens, mutant banana slugs, mysterious men in black, monsters, airships, killer robots, danny fucked up something so bad with his clockwork, when joey wanders off it turns into stranger things all of a sudden, frankie and charlie ride a hovercraft that goes faster when they say a certain word, there’s a girl named zelda (!) trapped in ice and scott befriends her on the spot; there comes a point where something gets so ridiculous, it gets hilarious.

Painted in a Corner (September 2019): i started writing this in june when HYCaEI was coming to a close; i was inspired by the seinfeld episode “the betrayal” which was a parody of the harold pinter play “betrayal”. such that the fic went in reverse, starting with the last chapter first. about two art students, marie and gina, involved in a love triangle with jerry cantrell. chris and lars are involved, too!

now it’s dark (September 2019-January 2020): M Y B A B Y. originally titled “after the watershed”, which is a british colloquialism referring to “after dark” television. after he was fired from anthrax following state of euphoria, joey finds a girl named maya laying on the sidewalk in his hometown of oswego, bound at the ankles, soaking wet, and disoriented. after taking her to shelter at a nearby strip club called black orchid, and he collapses out of hunger, he meets a gentleman named lars ulrich, who says he knows the woman in question. i drew the first illustration in my sketchbook on 8/24/19. i wrote book one/now it’s dark for nanowrimo 2019 and completed it on november 29 (and added a whole new meaning to “black friday”). book two/who cares wins was completed on december 28, and book three/be all, end all on January 10.

One for the Money (New Year’s Day 2020): i think that’s what it’s called? dog day afternoon fanfic because i didn’t see a lot of pacino fics; it was more of an experiment than anything. sonny’s out of jail and he wants his money.

black diamonds (January 2020): beautiful black diamonds... i wrote this as book one of now it’s dark was coming to a close, about a goth dancer named ginny falling in love with joey. there was just one drawback: she was married and had a child!

“Joeyrotica”, 14 one shots featuring Joey, including make me laugh (October 2019-May 2020)

dreaming of you (March 2020): started on leap day and ushered me right into quarantine. joey + oc hannah ellsberg and an art show, baby!

midnight dancers (April 2020): sequel to dreaming, hannah has some unfinished business with an ex out of seattle, a man who surfaces with the upstate music scene.

bon appetit (April 2020): started writing in january in the spirit of HYCaEI but way more twisted. danny meets valentina, a baker at smell the magic (which was introduced in HYCaEI), but she and the other bakers are harboring a dark seductive secret for the men of anthrax. has a sequel, tarallucci e vino (”biscuits and wine” in italian, a shortening of “it all ends with biscuits and wine”), which i put on hiatus until further notice.

rebel girls and chocolate (May 2020): hardcore lesbian one shot and first (as far as i know anyways) endeavor into bikini kill fanfiction.

nothing as it seems (June 2020): my first work to hit 1,000 reads. about jeff ament and his childhood best friend sierra roseburg growing up in montana together. lots of love for the arts and the whole 70s aesthetic here.

the mirror never lies (June 2020): i wrote this in about two weeks after it came to me in a dream: joey and lars peering into mirrors and withering away each time, until they come to their senses and learn to heal.

a skeleton in the closet (June 2020): another one started in january and i kept it going when the lockdowns happened. the story is told via a diary kept by protagonist christina moon, and tells her story as a grassroots musician with her best friend cecilia “ceecee” blackwood, and their opening for metallica and anthrax. meanwhile, in the backdrop there’s a serial killer nicknamed “the king of hearts”, as his victims are strangled and then have their hearts removed. no one knows if he even exists or if he’s even human, either, given the removal wounds are clean and without any broken bones. pretty violent, too, but it’s more in the background and christina being an unreliable narrator so she exaggerates a lot of details, it sneaks up on you.

Fresh Deadly Roses (June 2019-August 2020): big collection of one shots, all of which can be found on my ao3. up to my departure from Wattpad, i had written a whopping 42 one shots!

amped and wired, part one (September 2020): alternative title “paranoia time”. while i was writing now it’s dark, i wrote little vignettes and darkly comedic scenes on the side to keep my mind alight. i came back to them this past july after a skeleton in the closet ended. similar to the story line of now it’s dark, but with a lot more reworked and redone, namely: the story is centered firmly in new york. is currently being brought to life via webcomic!

burning sacramento (October 2020): a halloween story of sorts, involving joey and krista and a woman named jill, an artist whom they met and befriended in sacramento, and she treats them to a nice weekend in the mountains. mind you: it’s a halloween story *maniacal laughter*

the boy who destroyed the world (October 2020): another halloween story, but this time lars notices frank has a lot on his mind. and by that, i mean, there’s a dead woman coming back to haunt him.

the girls next door (October 2020): rule 63 of the big four. it also expands into rule 43 a bit.

six feet under (November 2020): scott looks back on his friendship with kristina mayfield when they were kids living in queens.

buried alive (November 2020): after kristina had died, she passed on her internalized “death wish” to charlie, and it just about kills him.

beautiful tragedy (November 2020): the follow-up to the mirror never lies, but focuses more on inner darkness where the mirror never lies was more about inner beauty.

amped and wired, part two (December 2020; two days before new year’s): alternative title “out of the ashes”. the follow-up to part one; is the longest but doesn’t have as many chapters; 23 to part one’s 27.

the artist (January 2021; one day after new year’s): my ode to quarantine life and also my giving the finger to anyone who was like “no one is going to be that productive :)” when all this started. takes place after the worst of the pandemic in the pacific northwest, a girl named holly hanging out with a bunch of musician boys in exile. it’s a “sci-fi hangout” book if you will. started back in june after my encounters with joey on instagram

a man of many colors (May 2021): a one shot accompanying piece to the below-mentioned fever in, fever out, following my lead girl samantha and alex c. 2013.

pearls before swine (June 2021 / 6/16 no less...): another fever one shot, one that follows alex as a teenage boy and then a 40 y/o man.

and then works in progress:

spiral architect: an eddie vedder fic i started just before the lockdowns and when i thought i was going to see pearl jam. mainly why i put it on hiatus was my disbelief of everything happening, but i’ll come back to this one, though.

here’s to us: the sequel to dreaming of you and midnight dancers, it’s joey and hannah spending thanksgiving and christmas together. this one just went on hold by itself, i guess you could say.

tarallucci e vino: the sequel to bon appetit but with more focus on the italian gentlemen (joey, frank, and charlie). same story as here’s to us.

the dead of night: just posted this last night, the sequel to six feet under and buried alive that also takes place in the now it’s dark/amped and wired-verse + has joey and hannah involved + rush plays an important role in it. *as of 2/21/21 is on hiatus just because of other things i’m doing.

The Skeleton Key: I started this one right around the time i wrote alone inside my mind. it was really playing into the whole southern gothic thing but then i thought of now it’s dark. no idea if or when i’ll revisit this one but i feel it within me, though. ***update: Joey and Hannah inherited an apartment building from Dave at the turn of the millennium... but there’s an otherworldly catch, though. this one i’m taking my time with.

the contest: li’l sex Comedy inspired by the movie porky’s and also best in show where Lars inherited a nightclub that eventually becomes the center for the eponymous contest 💋

coffin breaks: follow up to six feet under and buried alive that follows the arc of Kristina and what happened to her when scott and charlie weren’t around.

fever in, fever out: (started February 17, 2021) literally started out as a joke. i pointed out that me, joey, and now alex skolnick are starting to feel like an ot3 ship, like... just how it’s all been playing out since january 7th (i mention that date because alex was so distraught from the insurrection the day before—poor man almost had a panic attack—and i told him that he did his best and that everything was going to be okay. ...then i drew him. then we started hitting on each other). i like two guys and now the heat’s on.

gore: short story accompanying piece to fever in, fever out, much like man of many colors and pearls before swine. characters marla and belinda in fever often mention tidbits about hanging out with john tempesta in the summer of ‘84. this one still has yet to come to fruition but i’m picturing it.

weekend at billy’s: another short story accompanying piece inspired by a throwaway line in man of many colors. let’s just say... sam learns how to make pizza at some point and the boys can’t resist themselves. title’s inspired by weekend at burney’s!

120 written works, and that’s also not counting some 20-odd poems i’ve written, either. to put this into perspective, stephen king wrote (i think?) 290 stories in his 40 year career. i’ve written almost 40% of that in the past five years alone. i also started my literary career way younger, too: he was 28 when Carrie was first published, whereas i’m about to top much of his career before i’m 28.

i’ve also noticed i go for more straight up fantastical/science fiction type settings than he does, and even though he’s synonymous with horror, there’s something nebulous and macabre about all of them, too, and you can see it in the titles i tend to use: “gray ghost”, “rain”, “the artist”, “dreaming of you”, “the dead of night”, “black diamonds”.

my cartoons, meanwhile, came to life when bush was in office, saw obama elected twice, survived the trump era, and saw biden enter office; they lived through a world riddled with war, civil unrest and upheaval, climate change, SARS, swine flu, MERS, ebola, zika, and now coronavirus. on a more local scale, my cartoons have survived subzero temperatures, a flood, homelessness, a brushfire, two of the largest earthquakes in california since 1994, near extinction (given my history of awful mental health), a global pandemic, and had three stylistic shifts to boot. but unlike other long runners like the simpsons, i have no desire to dote into current trends. i’ve always based my artistry off of things that i like rather than i think what other people would like; sure i’ve looked at what’s hot, but it’s more off of what i like from it rather than what the general consensus likes. and it’s done some pretty odd magical things for me. it’s brought me everything from praise from teachers to meeting chris cornell to getting attention from metallica and pearl jam to becoming chummy with anthrax and the butcher babies.

i’m a young person, but my life’s work has covered four decades, starting in the last gasp of the 90s and into the new millennium, the 2010s, and into the 2020s. my writing, as well as my cartoons, began with the new millennium.

so, where do i go from here? it’s anyone’s guess.

[massmurdera]

2018 best (and some worst)

2018 was the shittiest year of my life personally and I was a trainwreck almost instantly. I was real hopeful going in, but I got my heart broken as badly as I could get (and it somehow just kept getting worse). Ugh. It’s boring to articulate, but it was a never-ending Russian nesting doll of heartbreak, disappointment, and frustration. But I made more positive changes in the last 12 months than I did in the last 12 years. So that’s something.

TV Funniest go-to show: Desus and Mero (wish they didn’t go on hiatus when they left for Showtime) Favorite shows: 1) Big Mouth 2) Atlanta 3) Killing Eve 4) Bodyguard 5) Haunting of Hill House

Other shows I enjoyed: American Vandal; Homecoming; Americans; GLOW; Better Call Saul; Succession; Cobra Kai; Kominsky Method; Corporate Meh: Barry; Sharp Objects; Who Is America?; Daredevil Favorite Comedy specials: 1) Rory Scovel 2) Bert Kreischer 3) John Mulaney

MOVIES 4 ½ stars: Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse; Sorry to Bother You 4 stars: Quiet Place; Hereditary; Mission Impossible: Fallout; Blackkklansman; Deadpool 2 3 ½ stars: To All the Boys…; Incredibles 2; Game Night; Revenge 3 stars (solid rental): Game Night; Upgrade; Revenge; Ant-Man; Hold the Dark 2 ½ stars (OK rental): Black Panther; Avengers Meh: Love Simon; Support the Girls Probably Good but bored the shit out of me: Roma; First Reformed; Eighth Grade Hated: Mandy; Ballad of Buster Scruggs 

STILL NEED TO SEE: Bad Times at El Royale; Bodied; Creed 2; Death of Stalin; Favourite; First Man; Free Solo; Green Book; Halloween; If Beale Street Could Talk; Minding the Gap; Solo; Star is Born; Vice; Widows

MUSIC Favorite Records: 1) Brian Fallon-‘Sleepwalkers’ 2) Story So Far-‘Proper Dose’

1975 has great songs but they have too much filler in their records. Damn good songs: Foxing-‘Nearer My God’; Wonder Years-‘Pyramids of Salt’; Thrice-‘Beyond the Pines’ PODCASTS Favorite Podcasts personally: -Filmdrunk Frotcast (Movies/comedy) -Dollop (history PLUS comedy) -Bill Burr’s Monday Morning Podcast (one-man rant from the best comic alive) -Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend (comedy + conversations) -Rewatchables (Movies/comedy) -Bill Simmons (conversations) -Pardon My Take (sports + comedy) -Chapo Trap House (leftist politics + comedy) -Press Box (media) 

Intercepted’s takedown of George HW Bush is great. That show and Citations Needed has its moments. I think if you’re a historian/leftist, the best podcasts are Hardcore History or Common Sense (Dan Carlin), Citations Needed, Intercepted, Chapo Trap House, and the Dollop. Dan Carlin is the one you can enjoy if you’re on ANY political spectrum—and the Dollop is not too far behind; that’s truly the most special when it hits.

Other: My Favorite Murder; Revisionist History; Matty + Nick; Hound Tall; We’ll See You in Hell; Binge Mode: Harry Potter; Bertcast/Open Tabs; Gladiator: Aaron Hernandez

Re-listening to Walking the Room for the 3rd time; that’s my favorite podcast of all time. Late pass: ‘Embedded’ series on Trump is amazing. Doesn’t come out often but when it does? Fascinating and goes in on Trump stories that don’t get talked about. Podcasts I’d recommend: In the Dark; RFK Tapes; Slow Burn (S2 on Monica Lewinsky scandal is great)

‘In the Dark’ is by far the best. S1 in 2016 I prefer over S2; check out both.  Podcasts I’m going to check out: Crimetown: Detroit; Serial S3

Vince Mancini (Filmdrunk/Uproxx) has an annual best list on the best investigative/true crime podcasts each year that are the best lists I’ve seen. Best Dollop Episodes of the Year (must-listens on serious subjects): Donald Trump; the Resnicks: Water Monsters; George HW Bush; John McCain; Wells Fargo; Erik Prince & Blackwater 

The above subjects deal with subjects to be genuinely outraged about versus faux things to be outraged about everyday (Russia; Louis CK or what a comic said) and the way the media talks or ignores subjects completely. The way it’s done is so great (Dave reading a topic coldly while his friend interjects with commentary—and then in the end coming together with a South Park-esque take on what the fuck is happening)

Other: Feinstein and the Flag; Levittown: the White Suburb Funniest episode of the Dollop:  1908 New York to Paris Car Race (live w/ James Adomian). Hands down the funniest. Dave purposely saved a great one for the fucking great and underrated James Adomian.

I can tune in and out of some Dollop episodes, but when it goes in on a subject or has a particular guest, you know it’s going to hit.

BOOKS Favorite book: City of Thieves by David Benioff Late pass great: ‘Slaughterhouse Five’ Pretty good: ‘Devil in White City’; ‘Lexicon’ Meh: ‘Sirens of Titan’ Hated: ‘the Bell Jar’

Best twitter follows/online writers: Justin Halpern; Drew Magary; Brian Grubb

BEST EVENTS: 1) Gaslight Anthem 59 Sound 10th Anniversary 2) Boston Calling: the National, Menzingers, Queens of the Stone Age, the Killers 3) Bert Kreischer @ Wilbur: near front row 4) Bill Burr @ TD Garden 5) Pats-Titans playoff game

Biggest regret and disappointment: Moving my ‘ex’ into my friend’s house in January (with the hope that I’d be living there half the time too)—only for her to end up wanting NOTHING at all to do with me that same day after I helped her unpack out of nowhere, threaten suicide in a non-joking manner in front of her new roommates and my friend after a political argument at the end of the first night she moved in, get with someone we work with behind my back almost instantly (a bland and lame cokehead who got busted for cocaine 18 months prior and faced 7 years in jail), try to fuck my friend when I was mid-conversation with them both first time seeing her 3 months after it all ended—and for her to eventually date my friend’s roommate who my friend warned me would try and fuck her but I didn’t take seriously because I thought he wasn’t good looking, tiny, just vaped all day long, and kind of a douche. Cool. Awesome.

I mean, that’s a simplistic breakdown of it all and how I feel about it when I’m angry. It’s more complex and fucked up than that and I could write a book on it to elaborate my thoughts, good and bad. It’s genuinely heartbreaking to articulate it and I withheld that from her:  part of the reason why I moved her into my friend’s place (she didn’t know him or anybody) was because I wanted her in my life and didn’t want to lose her. Instead, it felt like I locked myself out of a party, I’m banging on the door and it’s cold outside, but nobody hears me. It’s just that feeling constantly. At the same time, it’s also very simple: she just wasn’t that into me, valued me, gave a damn, respected me, or cared. It’s NOT as angry or mean as it sounds. It just is what it is. Do NOT move the person you’re seeing into a friend’s place. If it doesn’t work out, make sure you can get a clean break. Oh, and probably do NOT date at work if you can until you know one of you is leaving (or, in my case, she leaves 10+ months after it’. I fucked both up and it’s been impossible to move on. Thankfully, she just left work 2 weeks ago and there’s less anxiety, mental work (thinking about her all the time which I still do but it’s not on maximum overdrive) and tiny heartbreaks each day. I mean, I was devastated when she told me she was leaving and there was finality. I miss her and have missed her all this time, but it’s a good thing: there was nothing I was getting out of it. But still: why did she say yes to moving into MY friend’ s place if she was just going to do a 360 heel turn, be an asshole and resentful towards me out of nowhere, never bother seeing the place I moved into/what I did with it?. Just a disaster of my own creation. I like to think in time I’ll get over it all and move on. I highly doubt I’ll ever see or talk to her again. I refuse to ever go back to my friend’s house for a variety of reasons and I had those thoughts even before the Cinco de Mayo party, but definitely after. I just don’t belong there and it hurts. And I know she’s uncomfortable too if I’m there even if she says otherwise.

Best thing personally: my brother got married, his wedding, friends, and my family. It’s cool to see my brother have his life together, be married into an awesome family, and meet a nice girl. I’ve seen my brother have his heartbreaks, but it’s nice to see him finally have peace and consistency. He’s got a really great house near where the Pats play (closer than where we’d park to games), works 4 days a week and makes bank too. 

BIGGEST CHANGES I MADE moved out to a place of my own in late January-it’s my uncle’s 3-decker, which he intends to pass on to me. So I’m saving $ by being here and it’s decent. The drawback is that it’s 3rd floor and inhospitable during the summer when it’s an oven with no windows where they should be to put an AC unit in (I just stayed at my parents: I would have toughed it out but I desperately need sleep for school). But yeah, I’m over 30 and needed a place of my own. I’d love to live in Boston, but it’s completely fucking unaffordable unless you work 2-3 jobs.

One annoying thing: my driveway gets egged EVERY day since May. We have fake cameras, but pretty sure it’s the next-door neighbor and not some punk kids on their way to school. It is enraging. Who eggs a house everyday? And it’s literally only my car or the lady next to me, not even close to the street. I keep on looking at the trajectory of the eggs and it’s fucking ridiculous. Luckily, because of school (and because I was away during the summer), the egging doesn’t happen until after 8-10 AM.

I’m 10 minutes from my parent’s place (halfway to my workplace and gym as a cut-off place), 5 minutes from the school I attend, and centrally located to things I want to be (Boston, my brother, Cape Cod, possible job changes or to where I intend to move if I can)… went to school to be an electrician-In school 715 to 1245 Monday-Friday. Pain in the ass schedule and tiring, but a big change. I suck at being handy. Most people are sons of people in the trade or went to trade school. Then there’s me: never picked up a drill or a hammer. But I’m working on it. 

I mean, the job IS risky (it’s not an office job) and any job outside of going back to school for a master’s or doctorate to get ahead (I fucking tried!) requires backbreaking manual work that breaks you down in most cases (construction, plumbing and smelling bad to even fixing cars where I hear that breaks your body down). Being an electrician seemed like the least of them all unless you want to be a linesman stuck outside no matter the weather for National Grid or down in manholes—because they pay REALLY well (most people in class actually want those jobs without reservations). I’m fine with being paid pretty well while enjoying myself. I’ll stay away from something monotonous like solar panels or being on a roof all day though.

Jiu-Jitsu-did this for 3 months and loved it. Had to take a break because I can only do weekends and it’s expensive. And I’m too exhausted for 9 AM class come Saturday. After a 6 AM to 12AM schedule M-F, I just completely fucking crash come Saturday. I fully intend on going back and doing yoga too when I finish school in July. 

Most people start doing jiu-jitsu because of Joe Rogan. My answer got a laugh. ‘Yeah, I wanted to try something new. Also, I watched John Wick about a 100 times.’

Therapy-post ‘break-up’ I realized I needed help. I spent a month in February not being able to fall asleep (maybe 24 hours sleep in 3 weeks) before I finally got meds. About a million waking nightmares (holy shit that’s a thing). Constantly crying, particularly on the weekends without her, separation anxiety and just anxiety that did not go away at all: a constant weight. We had a Jim-and-Pam relationship at work, even when it was over—but once she started dating my friend’s roommate, she distanced herself more than ever and it was just fake as fuck. I was frustrated with not finding a job to not passing a test that I studied my ass for 3+ months for that would allow me to leave my job AND the girl. They threw in shit that was not on the study guide at all in the test. Blah. I punched a hole through my bedroom wall (like they do in the movies) and fucked up my hand a bit. 

But yeah, I’m working on my confidence, following through with my goals, challenging myself, making adjustments, facing fears, getting over my anxiety, relationships. I’m proud of how, even without therapy, I handled the girl who was cold and distant: I was ALWAYS warm and welcoming, had a good attitude about it with her. It wasn’t a point of pride to be that way; I just was. If I was around her, the hurt just kind of all faded, however briefly. In the back of my head I wanted to light her the fuck up for how she was acting or NOT acting, but I just didn’t. But it’s hard. I am depressed all the time, but not nearly as overwhelming as I was. I’m really lonesome—and I want to reach out, but I don’t know to who a lot of the time. I feel left out and it’s hard to maintain relationships, but I am trying. It’s hard at 32 but people fade away. You think you’re wiser and more mature that it won’t happen, but it does. It’s just harder to make friends, I guess. I ruminate all the time and think too much. I’m trying to be mindful and in the moment. But I keep on thinking about all the things I’m NOT doing or the things I’m waiting for to happen. But there’s always going to be that. I am doing a LOT and the changes aren’t coming all at once. I like my therapist (I had one when I was in 5th grade and again when I was 19: I didn’t like them: finding a therapist that fits you is the biggest thing)

I realized a lot of the problems I had were patterns even going back to the heartbreak I felt at 18-20 when I was the worst mess I ever was. It wasn’t the girl who broke my heart, but it was me. I should have been better and stronger far before I met her. I wasn’t really living I don’t think. In some ways, I gave up and was sleepwalking through things. But everything I thought I was past just bubbled to the surface. And I had to get it right, something needed to change, and I needed help.

I withheld my problems from everybody because I didn’t want to be a burden. I especially did NOT want to be depressing but I think I became a burden for the girl who broke my heart. She had nothing to give and she was upset at me for talking to her at work and being cheerful, telling stories, or anything. Secretly, I was a mess and it was painful. In a way, I was denying myself and that made it worse.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think I’m that big of a mess. I might be lonely, but I got a good head, attitude, and people generally like me. I make people laugh easily and without trying. I got a lot going for me and I got support.

Tattoos -got the lighthouse tattoo I always wanted since I was 18. I didn’t believe a tattoo artist could carry out my idea. Liked the tattoo artist so much that I stretched it out into a full sleeve. I want to do more and have some ideas. We’ll see.

Other-new car; collecting board games; got tour posters and Pats memorabilia framed WORST POLITICAL: the chaos that comes with Trump-Well, that hasn’t changed. I’ll hate the GOP/Republicans and that goes without saying. I have some small hope with people like Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, but I don’t have any faith in the Democratic party at fucking all: they will rather work with Republicans than work with people who actually want to make an actual change. You kind of just realize how shitty a party they and Obama were and how they are bought/paid for and resistant to any meaningful change. We are fucked.

LOOK AHEAD TO 2019: -finishing school in July and starting new career as electrician -cousin’s wedding and going to Las Vegas for a bachelor party (I’m more psyched for the awesome house we are staying in than Vegas itself) -Pats playoff run and possible end of Brady-Gronk: I’m not hopeful, but I’m going to enjoy my favorite Boston athletes of my lifetime. Couldn’t ask for anything more from them. I just wish Bill Belichick did a better job as a GM and not fucking up nearly every draft since 2006 besides 2010 and 2012. They’ve won 5, but feels like Belichick cost the Pats 3-5 more minimum. Every year you have Tom Brady, you’re in the AFC Championship or Super Bowl. Belichick and Patricia mailed in the Eagles Super Bowl on defense. WTF was that? -doing jiu-jitsu, yoga, taking up swimming, continue following through on my gym program: my goal is to delay having a bad back as long as possible. I’m in the best shape of my life by far, so that’s good. I want to cut some of my gut weight out though: when I bend down to put on my work boots, I feel it. -more tattoos? -dating again (I am struggling so BADLY with online dating and need to work on having better pics: I can’t get a single match/date) -looking at buying a condo or home. I’ve got about $100K saved up and just slowly collecting things in my apartment for the big transition. Still would like to see where I end up working. Ideally, I’d love to have a lake house somewhere decent and centralized.

BOOKS: -Don Winslow wrapping up cartel/border trilogy -new Gillian Flynn?!? -Marlon James’ African Game of Thrones trilogy begins -Stephen King

TV 1a) Desus and Mero returns 1b) Game of Thrones final season 2) Veep final season 3) Lovecraft Country 4) Watchmen 5) Stranger Things 6) Good Omens 7) Devs 8) Fosse/Verdon

NEW: City on a Hill; Deadwood movie; Star Wars; Veronica Mars

MUSIC -Boston Callling -new: 1975, Bruce Springsteen

MOVIES: 1) Once Upon a Time in Hollywood 2) John Wick III 3) Us Toy Story IV 4) Fast and Furious: Hobbs and Shaw OTHER: Avengers; Captain Marvel; Glass; It 2; Joker; Lego Movie 2; Spiderman; Star Wars; Under the Silver Lake; Where’d You Go Bernadette; Zombieland 2