#I doodled this awhile ago but never posted it for reasons

[averaillisa]

wangsheng slimess

[ntls-24722]

Really weird Comet anatomy compilation!!

This is So unnecessary but also it's VERY cool

So, the flaps on her throat and abdomen are actually heat sinks, but I decided (partially due to how I stylize them) to have them double as vocal sacs, which would connect to scales on her abdomen and neck and essentially play them like a pipe organ. This exists for no reason other than cool anatomical music points, but another thing is that I always wondered how Comet would make... percussion. I was like "man. how am i gonna add a drum to the body."

And my dumbass forgot about the eardrum... 😭 IT FUNCTIONS THE EXACT SAME

So I added those. Less for hearing purposes more for making a sick beat.

She's so full of Air

also. mouth anatomy

So I actually had doodled the small "diagram" awhile ago and never posted it. I don't show nor talk about this much but she has these "harpoons" originally for body horror purposes but then they got repurposed into practical purposes - she's got huge hands and can't manipulate small objects. The inside of the harpoon's "beak" is able to be far more easily changed in shape than most of her body.

Lastly, slight change in Comet's arms

I realized her elbow has a lot of... stress to it? She didn't have a proper elbow "bone" on there so I changed that

[originallandlockedmariner]

So, I just had a doodle I did awhile ago sent to me... reason #452 that I have amazing mutuals!

"Post whatever selfies or pics you fucking want, never let assholes ruin your vibe."

thank you... I'll think on it :)

[vicomaco]

Ahoy reader, I'm here to vent. My second favorite season is coming, outside the window the sky is showering washing away the sweltering warmth and it inspires me to do the same with my suffocating self, now in pre-mid life (33) and confuse on the direction, tired of all those coats I've put on my shoulders without consent of a self now lost inside the textile. I just spent 2 or more hours of a working day cleaning my tumblr page, I made all of my past drawings private. Doing so I retraced the 10 or more years spent in this platform through different life phases and artistic epiphanies. I realized how much I forgot of myself, especially the joy I had drawing my pictures in my sparetime. Since I remember I have always had a sketchbook and a trousse of pens and pencils on me, everywhere. During elementary, college, high schools, I remember long train trips filling pages with doodles and thoughts. I stopped filling sketchbooks around eight years ago, close to my diploma, I had countless short deadlines, many white nights and a lot of stress. But I still had school assignements and side projects with friends both done in traditional techniques. No more traditional drawing for me, but still drawing for side fun projects. The school trained me to be an illustrator, more than a comic artist. To experiment and test different tools, my favorite still are inks and gouaches. Life after school became all about comics. And comics, at the - fucking long- beginning of your carreer are 90% ridiculously poor payed. The reasonable choice I took to balance that with the time spent on each page was to learn to actually make them on photoshop, safer if you have to erase, remove pages, redo faces. I didn't have much spare time, but when I had I used it experimenting brushes and learning a bit better the programs while making doodles for myself. No, actually a big changement happened: social networks. Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram and all. Part of me was doing them for myself and in order to evolve the technique, part of me was doing them to display them online. The quest for the "likes" serotonin-dispenser just started.

Now, in bigger comic projects, with bigger life events, and less daily energy I have no spare time, I'm full into professional work. Written by someone else, I'm full time into someone else's world. Comics are already life-sucking, but a life-sucking project when it's not even yours it sucks even the ground under your feet. Now I watch, I don't see, I execute, I'm unable to observe anymore. So I don't post on socials anymore, I'm being consumed by them while consuming time, brainless, zombiengly lurking memes and other distractions from the void this job created in me. I don't remember what I like, what I want to draw, what I would write on a sketchbook and god how I miss traditional techniques, I miss having my own ideas, my personal vertical projects and my personal horizontal purpose, I miss the joy behind my work, I don't remember myself. I've never been consistent, nor obsessed too much on something. I've always be in love with the act of drawing, the state of mind you have while doing it, the beautiful line, the beautiful palette. Every subject could be nicely done. I deeply respect artists with the same style, experimenting inside their comfort zone, obsessed with a subject and pursuing it year after year after year. They are coherent, awhile ago they chose one only coat and they decide to wear only that, and year after year it fits them always better. I myself I'm much better than before in terms of style, composition, lines, narration. The appearence of my style is much more solid, the inside is void. My old drawings in this blog were impressive, they could tell the joy I had experimenting. The oldest ones, the traditional ones, were the happiest. My technical traditional skills were better than my actual digital ones and the soul behind each sketch was so alive! I removed the old drawings from my blog not because I'm ashamed by them. But because I had a pity looking at this decline over and over, I wanted a -maybe?- fresh start. Fall always offers me new resolutions and will for changes, now I'm imploding, I'm sick of memes, I'm sick of stupidities, I'm sick of my poor time management. I want to come back in tumblr because it was, to my remindings, the healthier of the social networks, the less silly (at least my dashboard), the more balanced in aesthetic and content. I want to try to let it help me venting or finding myself again, I guess. Are you experiencing my same sickness of the pointless time-sucking web?

[the59er]

7 Aug - 12 Aug 2022

7th Aug 2023, Monday Listening: Sleep, Azure Ray

Whole day of on-and-off headache. The pillows I ordered arrived! Rested my head on one of them just to try it out and ended up dozing off for 30mins.

--

8th Aug 2023, Tuesday Listening: Black Out, Pavement

WIO Tuesdays. It was alright despite my continuous sneezing. People at work talked to me. They held elevator doors open for me. Sometimes I forget that strangers CAN be nice, because I tend to think that they are only nice to me for a reason. I wonder if strangers think the same way as I do when I do the basic common courtesy to them too.

Nat & I had ckt for lunch. The glutton in me ordered a large. Did not finish (obviously) even though it was delish.

There was a new barista at yush. Not really feeling the newbie’s vibe, but I felt that way with H when we first met too, but now H is the nicest kid ever.

Also today Im trying to brush off what other people think about how I look, or what I wear. Tbh Ive been practicing "the Leandra" since the first time I read about her many years ago. Wear whatever the hell YOU want. Never dress for people. If someone else thinks you look nice, that’s just extra points.

--

9th Aug 2023, Wednesday Listening: Underneath it All, No Doubt

I think I worked offsite? Bumped into this handsome saab 9-5.

Im not looking forward to go out to vote on Saturday because in all honesty I could not care less about politics these days.

--

10th Aug 2023, Thursday Listening: Long Distance Call, Phoenix

Finally posted my impulse samba purchase from God knows when, today! I honestly could not recall when I bought them..

Mannnn I love my shoes. Specifically cortez, samba, and the ultimate underrated shoe ever, the Nora! If I could get my hands on a gazelle or campus 80s (unfortunately the current reissue is pigskin 😩), that would be dopeeeee.

Also finally doodled something. I am aware I haven't been doing so in awhile until I've forgotten how therapeutic it is.

Note to self to put aside more time for this, for the sake of my own mental health or whatever.

--

11th Aug 2023, Friday Listening: When Did Your Heart Go Missing, Rooney

Off day! Went for ramen without the ramen (substituted with rice, lol). I just wanted the broth. It was delish! 10/10 I highly recommend. Singgah grocer for what, I cannot remember.

Ended the day at yush with a ticket problem.

--

12th Aug 2023, Saturday Listening: It's All Over, The Broken Family Band

Waited for my sister before walking to our poll stations. Went to yush again for the voting day offer, 50% off on second drink! Met this qt on the way to 21. I love mini austin.

--

I think I had one big tiff, but good thing I dont even remember what it was about. Overall a 7 out of 10. ❤️

[dsumps]

WOW! It has been how long?

For a second there, I thought I left the internet for real. Nah, turns out when the whole world panics about the death of a platform, somehow everyone returns the next week like nothing’s happened. Despite migrating my followed content on my other platforms, I STILL ended up using Twitter the most in viewing online content.How could I stop? Everyone still uses that platform to some degree. Despite this, I did promise that Tumblr would be my new place for posts (clearly followed up on that order :P), and I still haven’t (and won’t) post another thing on that platform for god knows how long.

Sooo, how have I been (if that even matters to you)? 

I’ve been fine, I got through my first year of college at ASU, and overall I’m just been chilling with the inactivity. The most I ever post online is through my personal Instagram, which for obv reasons, I won’t be sharing. Besides that its been scroll, like, next platforn, scroll, like,... the usual.

It’s been sort of nice to be afk from the constant active schedule, especially when there are important things to worry about than being on social media. I honestly don’t know how some of y’all do it better, haha. 

How about the art? Where’s the art?

I really did leave the blog hanging with the doodle sharing. There’s still several pages of sketches there, but I haven’t really drawn in like... a year. Again, college had me on a chokehold, and will again once next semester begins, so I haven’t really done much creatively for awhile. I MIGHT, but I don’t promise. Social media for me, isn’t much of a priority than living for real life, which pretty much defines my reason for inactivity. Not that I don’t care about it, otherwise this account would’ve been deleted long ago.

Any new interests / miscellaneous section?

This is just to update y’all about my current interests and such. Pretty much realized through the past year that I don’t like Pokémon as much as I thought. During Gen 8, I made it an effort to become engulfed into the currents of the games, anime, media, etc... and honestly it was a hassle, and I hated it, especially on Twitter. I pretty much learned that the only thing I actually cared about were the various Pokémon themselves. Especially apparent from my ever-growing collection of plushes that I dedicate to once in a while. It’s a massive money waster, but god do I love it. My recent favorite is the Cult of the Lamb plush I had to order in under a minute before being sold out. That was a fun experience, and I know I’ve sneaked him into several ASU promotional material. Funny I mention that, because I haven’t really played video games either since college. 

If there is ONE thing I do have current interest in, that would be this one small show you may have heard of this show I’m not sure if you know this show so ill show you the show so you know its a little show called Bluey. I’ve been obsessed with this show since the end of my winter break, funny enough initial interest came from watching TikTok's of people (jokingly, I hope) to compete with 6 y/olds for Bluey plushes at Target. I guess i’ve liked too many of these posts for TikTok to start sharing full episodes on my page, and I've never been the same since. I’ve caught up with the series, and I gotta say it’s one of my favorite current pieces of animated media to come out as of late. Without saying too much, this show made me question many aspects of my life several times to where I could say I’ve actually learned how to better myself a bit. It’s crazy to me that a goddamn toddler program from Australia is actively teaching me morals at age 19, but here we are, I guess. 

Will there be Bluey in this blog? maybe, but I plan on posting Bluey related content on another blog @dsumpsbluey For now, my primary blog will share primarily Pokémon, art, and Pokémon art; not that I’m gatekeeping Bluey, but I got something planned for that other blog (plans, I’m totally great with those). Other than that, that’s pretty much it with what’s up with me. Sorry for being inactive for as long as I did, real life just caught up to me that’s all. Hopefully if you’re still reading this, you realize my current position of my blog. Just know that unless specified by me, this blog isn’t dead. Good day, or night, and until the next post.

[little-lee-froggie]

It KnY HC time!! Okay, so I am literally obsessed with Giyuu from KnY, and I made a fanfic already (I actually finished the fanfic awhile ago, but never posted it, but I plan to), and I made some head cannons for him as a caretaker. If anything seems romantic, I promise it’s not, I just have a hard time differentiating between platonic and romantic cuz I don’t experience romantic attraction. Anyway, with that, here they are (I personally really like them):

____________________________________________

warnings: very light mention of death (if I’ve missed any warnings, please let me know)

genre: Fluff ✨

characters: caretaker!Giyuu x reader (platonic), Mitsuri for small parts

The HCs:

So, you’re about seven years younger than Giyuu, which makes you about 14 depending on your birthday. You were alone in the woods when you were ten, and a demon attacked. Luckily, Giyuu made it there just in time to help you, and you got out with minimal injuries.

Ever since then, you and him have been inseparable and were often confused for siblings. This happened so often in fact that the two of you just stopped correcting people about it.

As a caretaker, Giyuu is a bit overprotective, but in a way that seems so nonchalant.

He’s very kind to you and takes very good care of you

I don’t know why, but if you’re ever visibly sad, I think since he’s not the best with interaction and emotions, he just kinda cups your face and puts your four heads together to comfort you (I can’t-😭🥺)

If anyone’s bothering you, he gives them a fucking death stare, and they know not to mess with you anymore

He will just casually complement you for no reason, then just walk away. It’ll be on the most random stuff to, like; “Your posture is very good right now” “your sword looks very shiny and nice, did you clean it today?” and my personal favourite “You have a very strong hold on your sword today, like it’s a wild animal you don’t want to escape. Good job.”, and you’re just left alone after he says some random shit, and only when he’s disappeared somewhere do you go “T-thanks…?” You would think after four years you’d be used to it, but NOPE

He’s probably one of your very best friends. Since he worries that the other hashira don’t like him, he’s extremely happy that he knows that you do, and your presence calms him, so he almost clings to you. Not normally in a physical sense unless he’s really tired and a bit out of it, but in a way where he’s always there for you, in your corner if you need him

However, on the note of physical contact, a very typical thing is for you to just flop onto him, and he’s ask if your tired. You normally nod, and he lets out a soft low chuckle and subconsciously plays with your hair, making you feel even more at ease

Mitsuri noticed this habit, so she decided to ask Giyuu if he wanted her to teach him how to braid your hair. He was confused and asked why, and after she said he plays with your hair a lot, he said he didn’t notice it. Regardless, he accepted, and now he likes braiding your hair, even if your hair is short, he finds it calming and you don’t mind it, so it’s become a regular thing

In fact, you don’t have the heart to take them out, plus you kinda like the way they look, so you just have random small braids all through out your hair

If you like to draw, sometimes you’ll ask if you can doodle on his arm a bit. If it were anyone else, he’d probably say no, but he likes your art, so the drawings all over his arms also becoming a regular thing

So you’ll just have his random braids throughout your hair, and he’ll just have your little drawings all over his arms (I find this too cute, ahhh 😖🤧)

Sometimes, if you two are talking a rest day from training (which he only ever takes to spend time with you as a caretaker) and he doesn’t/neither of you have any missions, you’ll go to town together, and he’ll let you choose some clothes for him to try on at a thrift shop. He says it’ll cuz he likes your clothes, but in all honesty, it’s cuz he remembered you said that sometimes Mitsuri would let you choose some clothes for her and you found it fun, so he lets you do that with him (side note, mini Mitsuri HC: she has the biggest closet and amount of clothes out of all the hashira. She barely ever wears anything other then her uniform, but she likes the idea of expressing herself with clothes, even if she doesn’t wear them often)

He also got cooking lessons from Mitsuri when you started living with him(ik there’s a lot of Mitsuri, but her hobby is cooking, so she makes sense. She just fits in with the story line that I’m creating), so now he can cook all your favourite foods. He loves the way your face lights up when he tells you what’s for dinner knowing that he’s the reason you feel so happy in that moment

You tend to stay up later than he does, witch is saying something considering the fact that he stays out for most of the night to slay demons, and the first time he noticed it was the day he came back from a long mission and you had decided to take a shower at 5:00 am. When he asked you when you woke up after you had gotten clean clothes on, you said you hadn’t gone to sleep yet. He’s pretty sure you’ve stayed up for days on end before, and he gets a bit worried, but you never seem tired

You help him make other friends cuz he doesn’t know how to properly. He always thanks you for any advice you give him, saying how it so amazing that you can give him such good advice at such a young age, and sometimes he wonders if he’s the one taking care of you, but you always tell him that he takes way more care of you then you do of him, and he learned to not doubt himself and try to denounce that, cuz he did that once and you pulled out the “I would quite literally be dead right now if it weren’t for you, so don’t even think about doubting yourself” card. That made him smile though

Please, he loves you so much and you mean so much to him. He’s lost so many people, he has promised himself he’s not going to loose you

And last but not least, he has gotten into the habit of referring to you as his little sibling. The first time you ever heard him say that, you passing by him talking to one of the other hashira, one of the rare moments you weren’t together. After you heard it, you ran back to his estate and cried from being so touched. When he came back, he was worried, but when he asked if you were okay and saw the smile on your face he smiled to. You quickly ran and jumped at him, and he skillfully caught you in his arms, the two of you in a close hug. He never found out why you were so happy, but he has his theories. Wether or not they’re the truth are up to you

____________________________________________

Those are my head cannons! I hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them! Have a good day/night ~<3

-Froggie :p

[bootleg-sara]

Today’s fun tboi hc: Cards and Runes!

Featuring- lots of pictures but they are all crappy doodles I made ages ago while bored during work/press conferences

New year, same me. Starting off with another long TBoI head canons post! Though admittedly not the most interesting topic to start with, these are some fun hcs I’ve been wanting to share for awhile now.

I was thinking of splitting cards and runes into their own posts but they pretty closely intertwine so they are going together. I’m never going to even talk about pills because they are boring. You eat the pill and get the effect. It’s the same for all pills. There’s no further explanation needed.

This one probably won’t be as long as the hearts hc because there’s not a boatload of extra detail that needs to be added about card interactions with the environment. I guess I could go over stuff like clear rune/blank card, but I’m not going to bother here. Also a lot of the cards are either very similar or the same in terms of use/affect so I won’t be going into explicit detail

So here it is, my comprehensive post on how to use Cards, Runes, and Soul Stones. As well as a small bit of backstory for Soul Stones. This post will include pickups like dice shard and credit card, which aren’t exactly cards or runes but are used all the same.

(Hcs undercut)

Going to start with cards here, as they are the easiest to explain and the most commonly found of the 3 subjects. This section will include all the tarot, reverse tarot (which will be symbolized by “?”), playing cards, and any other pickup that is distinctly a card. As well as Dice Shard/cracked key. A rather lengthy list, but many of them are very similar.

(If I end up missing a card I’ll edit this post and add them in were they would fit)

There are 3 ways of activating a card, which depends on what affect the card has.

The first is what I call “touch-and-chant”.

All you have to do is pick up the card, press it on your person, and say the cards full name out loud. Once the chant is over, the card will be burnt up and the card’s affect will take place!

This type of activation method is used for cards that directly affects the person who it is being used on. For example: i-the magician, which gives the person the homing shots and xxi-the world, which gives the person full insight on the floors layout. Most cards affects in this category will only last for 5 minutes at most.

Most of the cards found are activated using this methods. Many of them are teleportation related or physical boosters.

As you can see here, I drew up a bunch of them for no other reason than because I can. Visuals are nice. But, because these can be really hard to read I’ll be listing all of them out too, as well as offering some fun little fact about a particular card of there is any.

Cards that are activated via the “touch-and-chant” method-

All the teleportation cards: 0-the fool, iv-the emperor, iv-the emperor?, ix-the hermit, xvii-the stars, xviii-the moon, xviii-the moon?, Joker card

Cards that offer boost to your strength and/or give physical changes to the body: i-the magician, i-the magician?, iii-the empress, iii-the empress?, vii-the chariot, vii-the chariot?, xi-strength, xii-the hanged man, xii-the hanged man?, xv-the devil, xv-the devil?, xix-the sun?, huge growth

Cards that offer items/pickups from taking things from your person: 0-the fool?, vi-the lovers?, xvii-the stars?

(“vi-the lovers?” card straight up takes life from you in order to form an item, similar to that of a devil deal. But because it’s is a shallow and incomplete transfer, it leaves the user with not way too recover that lost health. Aka the broken heart. Can kill you if your not careful. “xvii-the stars?” does something similar to “the lovers?”, but removes an old item. Because passive items are parasitic in nature, removing the item isn’t normally possible. Because there more of an energy hold to take from an old item, “the stars?” can use that energy to create two items and not cripple your health)

Cards that offer room insight: xix-the sun, xxi-the world

(You can use “xix-the sun” using the other less direct methods and still get the full room damage, however you will lose on the floor layout and healing)

Rest of the cards that didn’t fit into categories: Suicide king, holy card, 2 of hearts, xiv-temperance?, wild card

(Suicide king takes all the blood from your body and creates as much as it physically can from this, resulting in your death. Highly situational. Holy card is a temporary soul heart shield that last until it gets hit once. 2 of hearts is just a healing card. “xiv-temperance?” Spawns a bunch of pills inside your stomach, activating them immediately. Not really a fun experience, easy to get overwhelmed and nearly experience overdose from that card alone. Wild card changes it’s affect depending on the last passive you used, wether it be care, rune, or even an active item. But no matter what is being used, wild card is always activated in the same way)

A note about “touch-and-chant”, due to the nature of how the cards are activated, one can use there cards on other people. All you have to do is hold the card against whatever you are trying to activate it on (a person or a monster) instead of yourself while saying the card name. This will only affect the person that the card was touching and not the activator. It’s a lot more risky on monsters because you have to get very close and person with them. Teleportation cards can have a shared affect if the chanter holds the hand of someone they want to bring with them. This will not work on any of the other cards.

The second method for using card is called “Summoning Touch”

To use these types of cards, you place the card on the ground, say it’s full name out loud, then tap the card, and the item you were trying to summon will appear. The card will then burn up. You can tap it with your foot, hand, whatever you want. As long as it’s from the person who originally said the chant.

As the name may imply, this activation method is used on cards that summon items, pickups, and machines. Cards like v-the hierophant (both normal and reversed) and xiv-temperance.

These cards are exactly what the method says on the tin. They summon stuff. There a few small notes about some of these, but for the most part they are the most boring to talk about.

List of cards that are activated via the “summoning touch” method-

Cards that summon pickups and machines: v-the hierophant, v-the hierophant?, vi-the lovers, xiv-temperance, x-wheel of fortune, xx-judgement, xx-judgement?, viii-justice, viii-justice?, xxi-the world?, queen of hearts, ancient recall

Cards that summon other stuff that deserve a bit of extra explanation: ii-the high priestess, xvi-the tower, xvi-the tower?

(“The high priestess” mother foot will always drop in the exact area where the card was used after a bit of time has passed. It does require some good timing to make it land properly on bosses and to make sure you don’t get stepped on, big when it does land it can do massive damage. “The tower” shoots out bombs in multiple different directions when used. They explode to quickly to get all of them into position, so your best just making sure they don’t explode on you. “The tower?” is an interesting case. This card has a room wide affect, something that would normally be activated used the 3rd method. But because the “the tower?” rebuilds rooms using the ground it is touching, it uses the summoning method instead)

For the third and final method, it’s the “All eyes touch”

The easiest of the card methods to use (not like any of these are particularly difficult). All you have to do is lift the card into the air and say the card full name. The affect will go off and the card will burn up much like the rest.

This method is used on cards that have room-wide affects. A few miscellaneous cards that don’t quite fit into the other 2 activation method criteria are also here.

All eyes touch is an uncommon methods, but most cards that sue if are considered to be the most useful. From full room damage with xiii-death to rerolling items with dice shard.

(This sheet here does have a mistake on it. It says here that credit card is apart of the “all eyes touch” method, which is no longer true. It has recently been changed and is now one of the few special cards that have its own unique method of use)

There’s a good few cards on there, most of which affects all the monsters within the room. The smallest overall group of you don’t include all the repeating cards that do the same thing but just for different types of pickups

Cards that are activated via the “all eyes touch” method-

Cards that affect all or multiple monsters within a room: xiii- death, xiii-death?, xi-strength?, ace of clubs/spades/diamonds/hearts, era walk, emergency contact

Cards that have room wide affects not limited/used on monsters: x-wheel of fortune?, ix-the hermit?, get out of jail free card, dice shard

Cards that double your currently held pick ups: 2 of spades/clubs/diamonds

(2 of hearts isn’t here because it is strictly for healing. It affects the person and nothing else)

The reverse high priestess/? Card category: ii-the high priestess?

(“The high priestess” gets its own placement because of a unique trait it has. It is the only card that can persist throughout multiple floors if the person enters the next floor before the time of use has ended. It also doesn’t really fit anywhere else, as the mom foot barrage summoned by it is more akin to the the summoning touch cards. Though because they are constant and move around with you, it must be activated via “all eyes touch”. ? Card just activates your active item again. It’s not anything crazy but it had nowhere else to go)

There are 3 cards that don’t use any of the 3 above methods. Instead using their own methods of activation.

First there’s Credit card. Bring it to a shopkeeper and they’ll give you all the items for free. Why? All the credit cards that have fallen down into the basement had come from people on earth. So your giving the shopkeeper a credit card to try and use for their own benefit. They tend to get away with it too, getting lots of money from them as banks often don’t notice it until it’s too late thanks to their unknown address. The free items are a thanks for finding a credit card to give to them.

Next is Chaos card. When you want kill something with this card, throw it right at your opponent! If it lands it mark and cuts into the monster, they are as good as dead. Even if the cut is shallow it’ll work, just needs to be deep enough to reach the inside of the body. This card’s mots notable feature is it’s ability to one shot bosses, even the toughest of them all. The only two bosses unaffected being Delirium and The Beast. Delirium’s form is too unstable and goopy, is even if the card hits them it won’t be able to properly pierce them to take affect. The Beast is immune because the dark energy created from the Chaos Card that kills things has not affect on her. The card this thrown all the energy inside is used up. Even if you end up missing, so you’ll be out of luck.

Finally there’s the cracked key. This pickup is pretty special in its own case, as it’s the only non-trinket pickup that affects the person while holding it (allowing the kids to see the doors to the red room). To use it, go up to a red door and place the key into the key hole. The item will disintegrate, but the door will open up for you. Cracked keys are the scattered remains of the first use of Red Key when the first closet was opened up in home by Isaac. When the Red Key was first used, the basement made a desperate last attempt to keep the kids inside by forcing sudden dramatic changes onto them. Starting the chain reaction of tainteds to come.

A few more notes on cards before moving onto the runes.

Reverse tarot cards can be used by simply flipping over the regular tarot card. There’s no specific card for reverse/upside tarot cards. However, if you want to have to specify it’s reverse in the name while holding it upside down. If you wanted to use the reverse moon card, you’d say “reverse 18-the moon”/“reverse the moon”. While most of the tarot cards have the same methods as there flipped, not all do so that’s also something to keep in mind.

If you use a card in a room where the card will have no affect, the card will burn up and do nothing. The only exception being ? Card

Okay! Rune time. Won’t stay here for to long because runes are really simple.

Each and every one of them are activated the same way. Take your rune, smash it on the ground and the rune is used. That’s all there is to it. This does include rune shard and black rune.

You can tell when a rune can be used by their glow. If the rune is glowing, you’re good to go! If it’s not, there’s probably some crack on it that make the energy inside escape. Rarely when a rune is used a broken off shard will retain its glow. That shard can be used again for a weaker affect. Though it will not retain its original affect and will be random. Blank runes can be used multiple times because they can more easily store their energy thanks to their affects not being centralized.

That’s all I have for those. For the final part let’s talk soul stones! By far the most interesting of the bunch.

Soul Stones are rune-like pick ups that have their own special affects unlike any other rune or card. Soul Stones are created from the life essence of the people inside. Through your time in the basement’s your life is slowly being drained away from you. This process is extremely slow and will never have an affect on a person unless you’ve been there for as long as the lost. The more the basement takes, the more of yourself you start to see in its halls. Soul Stones commonly come from the deaths of the people, as the energy gained from deaths is often that of pure survival instincts. Someone’s Soul Stone will start to form after the first few deaths. In my head canons soul stones were around before tainteds where. They acted as a look into one’s soul, often the fatal flaws that leads to their own downfall.

Not going to be going into character related specifics this time around, as that is better covered with tainteds as a whole.

From this point out, the formatting of these pictures goes from bad to terrible. Because I was running out of image space I couldn’t save all the soul stones in their own picture. So instead you’ll be seeing a long strip of multiple little doodles for each Soul Stone. I’ll be talking about them in order from top to bottom.

First batch: Soul of Isaac, Magdalene, Cain, Judas, and Blue Baby

Soul of Isaac: Bring this rune close enough to an untaken item on an item pedestal, the rune will self-activate by shattering and glowing a bright white light. This will have the item be split into two pedestals, one holding the old item and another holding a new one. Whichever one you take, the other will disappear with it.

Soul of Magdalene: To use this Soul Stone, the user has to eat the entire thing. It tastes like hearts, but crunchy and sharp. Once it’s all eaten up, a translucent, giant, spiked heart will appear on your chest. This heart can be used to ram into enemies and damage them for huge damage. The heart will also bleed half hearts for healing, but they soon melt away if not eaten soon. This affect last throughout rooms until the time limit is up.

Soul of Cain: Used like a normal rune would be. Smash it on the ground and every door in the room will be opened, including red rooms if there are any.

Soul of Judas: Take the dagger end of the Soul Stone and jab it into your hand as hard as you can. The Stone will envelop you in a dark shadow for a short amount of time. The dark shadow will also wrap around the stone, making it sharp enough to be used as a dagger. This will temporarily boost your speed and make you invincible while you are in the shadows. Once the affect has worn off, the dagger will dissipate and leave a black wound where the soul Stone was inserted.

Soul of ???: A poison chemical bomb. Throw it at a monster for big poison and explosion damage. It smells really bad.

Next up is Soul of Eve, Samson, Azazel, Lazarus, and Eden

Soul of Eve: a feather shaped Soul Stone that doubles as a horn. Blow into it and a murder of crows will descend upon a room and attack until everything within it is dead. Once the room is cleared, the crows will tare apart the stone so it can be used and fly off.

Soul of Samson: Draw some of your blood into the stone. The stone will crack open and the energy that flows directly into the person will immediately go blind with rage. The broken stone will open to reveal a jawbone. The bone will last for as long as their rampage does. Once the person has calmed down, the bone will become brittle and break apart into dust.

Soul of Azazel: Chip off the top “cap” of the stone and watch as a mega satan brimstone beam bursts out from inside. This beam will last for a good minute before dissipating. It’s pretty powerful though, so be ready to drag yourself around from the force to move around.

Soul of Lazarus: Activates upon taking a fatal blow. When on their person, the stone will absorb the hit in your stead, the resulting damage making it crack and break. If you accidentally break it before using it, it’ll kill you instead.

Soul of Eden: Same activation method as Soul of Isaac. The item that is rerolled can be from any item pool. Any pick ups around the item will also be rerolled is there are any on the ground in the same room. Does not leave two items like Soul or Isaac.

Final batch! Soul of The Lost, Lilith, Keeper, Apollyon, Bethany, and The forgotten/J&E

Soul of the Lost: Stab through the heart for use. You become the same entity as the lost, gaining any benefits or downgrades they have (including holy mantle). One can die while in this form. Stay alive for long enough and the soul will be dragged back into the Soul Stone. The user will return just fine and the stone will harmlessly dissipate, leaving no wounds.

Soul of Lilith: Crack it open like an egg and get a free familiar inside. This familiar soon stay with you for the rest of the run. Familiars made from this Soul Stone tend to be much nicer and happier to be around you than usual.

Soul of the Keepers: Just a stone with coins inside of it. Makes clinking sounds when shaken. This stone does not come from the character of keeper (as they don’t exist in this version of the basement). But they do come from all the shopkeepers who have enough sentience to have left a small impact on the basement in the form of this Soul Stone.

Soul of Apollyon: acts as a nest for locusts. Crack it open to find an egg sack full of locusts. The egg sack will burst open along with the stone, bringing with it friendly locusts ready to defend you

Soul of Bethany: A stone with a faint glow. Hold the stone close to your heart and wish for a good prayer for you. After a new moments, 6 wisps will fly out from the stone. The glow will fade away along with it.

Soul of The Forgotten/Jacob and Esau: Putting these two together because the work exactly the same. Hold the stone tightly to your chest and within a few moment the stone will grow and form into crystalized versions of either the Skeleton or Esau, depending on which stone was used. These crystal helpers are hell bound on protecting you and helping you fight off any monsters. They will fight monster with you as well as sheiks any oncoming shots. They will crumble into dust after either taking to much damage or the person who summoned them leaving the room they where created in.

Well, that’s all I have to share for today. Always fun to write more about basement hcs. Really hope I didn’t some how miss anything here lmao.

(Well okay I did purposely skip cards against humanity but that’s because I don’t care about that card. With my powers, I dub thy, not canon)

[forbidding-souda]

I really really loved the request you did for hajime and shuichi (you write them so well!!) so if its not too much to ask i was wondering if i could request 45 and/or 46 from the prompt list for them again? preferably with the same pronouns ówò tysm!! have a good day

45/46: “I know you love me. I know you too well.” Hajime Hinata & Shuichi Saihara (masc S/O)

Omg!!! Thank you for saying I write them well!! I worked on that fic for like a solid 24h it was so fun! I try my best :D

OKAY BUT LIKE WAIT CONSIDER WHAT I WROTE FOR THE HAJIME ONE BECAUSE - BECAUSE I KNOW IT’S TECHINICALLY NOT LIKE HAJIME??? BUT IT IS?? LIKE IT’S NOT IZURU IT’S THE HYBRID ONE - BUT LIKE DOESN’T THAT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING POST-KILLING GAME HAJIME WOULD SAYDSKDJBKDF

-Mod Souda

Hajime Hinata

He closes his eyes, letting himself take a breath.

You sit down, and he remains standing, ignoring your presence.

All you can do is continue to doodle with a pen you stole from Togami. 

You had the command to watch over him, so now you are stuck with him in the same room, the lights not a yellow tint but instead red, helping the atmosphere.

You know Hajime wouldn’t hurt you.

But does he know that?

Irritation laces his brow at the confinement. Something irks his mind. That’s a common feeling for him. But something about this feels different.

“I know you, don’t I?”

You ears perk up at the sound of his voice. When you look up, you find yourself caught off guard by something you thought you got used to, a golden eye and a red eye glaring down at you.

“I’m your kohai.” You say with a smile, to which he stays unemotional.

So you change your response, “I’m the class below you, Hajime.”

Something about the way you say his name provoked a feeling inside of him. He doesn’t exactly understand it. So he looks away and tries to blink away the warm feeling in his chest.

You eye him for a little longer, but his face is turned away from you, so you end up just returning to your sketches.

That doesn’t last very long, however, because you are quickly distracted by him pulling up a chair to sit next to you. 

This easily brings warmth to your cheeks. Warmth you don’t want to be there.

“And you haven’t seen me for awhile.” He suggests, obviously still stuck on the topic.

“A very long while, Hajime.”

The use of his name again. He pauses. A long pause. But you don’t dare break eye contact with him. 

“We went to school together.” He adds on. It’s hardly a question.

“Hope’s Peak Academy.”

Anticipation drips into his eyes, for just a moment, before he quickly throws it away. He wanted you to say more. But he’s already put everything together in his head the moment you repeated his name. It’s just a matter of if he can get you to say it.

“How did we meet?”

You smile, the memory seeming like ions ago.

“You slammed a door against me. It was on accident, of course, and you wouldn’t stop apologizing.”

He watches your cheeks burn and the way you calmly set down your pen.

“When was the last time you saw me?”

Instead of a sad look, as he expected, your smile just grew.

“Well,” you start with a flirty tone, “no, nevermind.”

That just made his eyebrows furrow. So it’s true. 

He eyes you up and down, taking in the figure he must have seen every inch of. Interesting, he says in his head, he is surely different.

You had no shame even giving him that hint, as well. You were laughing about it. 

“I think it’s time to go,” you say through your laughs, which now come off as a result of timidness instead of joy. 

No, his head commands. 

You stand, pushing in your chair and putting the pen behind your ear before walking past him.

A gust of air passes your figure. You don’t even notice is at first until a hand is in front of you, blocking your path, and slammed against the wall.

You exclaim, “What’s your deal?”

His hair is cut short like Hajime’s, one of his eyes remains a familiar shade of gold, and he dresses like Hajime would dress. But Hajime was not an impulsive person.

He speaks breathlessly, forcing out the words.

“I know you love me. I know you too well.”

It was a battle with his mind. His emotions got in the way, they corrupted his way of thinking. He shouldn’t have done that. It was rude, on one hand, but it did give him the answer he wanted from you.

You put one hand on his cheek, stroking the sensitive skin. He shudders at the touch.

“And I know you love me, too. You always have.”

What should he do? His mind is is shambles. He can’t even think. What would the old Hajime do?

His hand falls, but not to his side. It lands on your hips. But gentle. He’s kind to you.

The invisible line that connects you to shortens while he leans in. You can’t even believe that your words affected him. You still thought he was still emotionless, unhopeful. 

Maybe he still is. But that doesn’t stop him from kissing you.

Shuichi Saihara

Liar. The word runs through your head. Shuichi can lie? Isn’t he supposed to be on the side of truth?

Maybe Ouma is starting to get to him.

You stand behind your podium calmly, hands resting on the metal while your eyes move left and forth between the people arguing.

As long as time is being wasted, it doesn’t matter to you.

“Come on, Shuichi, it’s soooo fucking obvious!” Iruma calls out again. “But because he gives you a huuugggeee boner doesn’t mean he’s innocent!”

He glances at you, and so do the other 13 students. 

“S/O would never do anything like that!”

Ouma pitches in, “Come ooonnn, Shuichi, what happened to addressing every possibility?”

A blush forms on his cheeks. He’s not flustered though, it’s the anger and embarrassment he feels when trying to protect you, especially when you aren’t responding back to him.

“It’s because he loves me.”

Shuichi freezes to the sound of your voice, one of his hands gripping onto his heart. It’s not true, he tries to soothe himself, it’s not true.

“Wh-What?” His voice still shakes and his heart quickens. A million of thoughts run through his head. 

“I know you love me. I know you too well.” The words come smoothly from your lips. You say it casually - too casually. 

His mouth goes dry. He thinks about the last week and all the times he spent with you. Whether it was going through the newly found rooms or escaping at night to talk underneath the stars. How sensitive he was and how softly you held him all came together to make one thing clear.

It was true.

You sigh, leaning your face into your hand. “So he’s not going to lay it all out.”

Maki rolls her eyes. “So you’re admitting to it?”

“No way!” The words slip from your tongue before you could catch them. So you continue on with your useless defenses. “There’s no reason for me to even kill them!”

But there was.

And that was the problem.

They came at you first, which is the truth, so you smashed their head open and left. No part of you wishes to share this. Instead, you’re going to become the villain. The evil antagonist for him to defeat. You know if he knows the truth - how helpless you were - he would try to fight for your life. 

But you need to die. To save everyone else. And you accepted your death the moment you walked out of that room.

Everytime you look at Shuichi you see the time you two spent at night, laying on the grass and looking up. You told him how beautiful he was, and how soft his hands felt when you held them, and how much you wished time to be back to normal.

All of that just looks like a lie as you stand behind your podium, defending your faux innocence like the antagonist should.

You wonder how Shuichi will grow from this one.

[aylinaliens]

One invisible gold thread (tied me to you) — Chapter 1

Fandom: 2Gether

Pairings: Earn/Pear, Pear/Air, Sarawat/Tine, Ohm/Fong

Summary: Soulmate did not always equate to romance, most spend their lives together as platonically. That is exactly what Earn thought would happen with Pear—but as they spent more time together in person, Earn struggles to calm the raging storm of emotions in her heart. Soon enough, Earn finds herself drawn in like a moth to a flame, Pear’s soft bubblegum pink cardigan and bright eyes serving as balm to her soul. At first, Earn just denies what she feels inside, claiming that the only reason her throat closed up when she was in the proximity of the soft-spoken medical student was because of indigestion. As Earn spends more time with her soulmate, she begins to struggle with understanding the intricacies of her own sexuality, but realization never actually dawns on her until she finds out someone was actively pursuing Pear. That was when Earn starts to come to turns with her feelings...but it was too late now. Right?

Word Count: 1779

Notes: in honor of 2gether the movie being announced i have decided to finally post this because let’s be honest...gmmtv is going to clown on us earnpear shippers again. i typically hate love triangles but dear uranus has made me realize that wlw!love triangles are God Tier so thus this fic was born. hope you like tropes because !! this fic will have it all. soulmates? roommates? fake dating? mutual pining? friends to lovers? unrequited love? bed sharing? friends with benefits? it’s what these sapphics deserve

Read the first chapter on Ao3 or down below!

+

Curiously, Earn lifted her arm and brought it closer to her face so she could examine it. Sarawat obviously understood what was happening, also recently finding his soulmate, so he just leaned back in his seat, sipping on his drink, and quietly observing the own messages on his forearm.

After nearly seven minutes of waiting Pear was done and it was...definitely not doodle of a cat. No, it was something else.

“Oh god. Did she draw a penis?”

Sarawat choked on his drink in surprise. “What?” He gaped. “What did you just say?”

“I said my soulmate just drew an anatomically correct penis on my arm.”

A familiar fluttering sensation cursed through Earn’s body, signaling another message has appeared. She was mid conversation with Sarawat in the process of telling him what time their gig for tomorrow was but never got to.

Full of excitement and butterflies Earn quickly yanked her sleeve up—it’s been thirty six hours since her soulmate last sent a message. It was normal for Pear to disappear for days on end so Earn was used to the delayed reply.

As she glanced down at her forearm she expected to see a reply to the conversation she asked a few days ago but instead it was a drawing.

Once again no big deal—Pear was artistic. She had always sent doodles to Earn.

However, this drawing was not simply just of animals or flowers. She couldn’t exactly tell what it was right now because Pear was still drawing it.

Curiously, Earn lifted her arm and brought it closer to her face so she could examine it. Sarawat obviously understood what was happening, also recently finding his soulmate, so he just leaned back in his seat, sipping on his drink, and quietly observing the own messages on his forearm.

After nearly seven minutes of waiting Pear was done and it was...definitely not doodle of a cat. No, it was something else.

“Oh god. Did she draw a penis?”

Sarawat choked on his drink in surprise. “What?” He gasped. “What did you just say?”

“I said my soulmate just drew an anatomically correct penis on my arm.”

Sarawat looked shocked and positively scandalized but he was not the only one. Earn was just as confused. She held her arm up for him to see and after a few seconds of studying it he came to the same conclusion.

“She drew an anatomically correct penis on your arm. With labels. Why did she send you an anatomically correct penis on your arm?”

Earn lifted her shoulder up in a shrug, leaning down to rummage through her bag to find a pen. Once she did she yanked the cap off and scribbled a quick message.

um...is there like context or a reason that you drew that?

She waited awhile for a reply, staring intently down at her arm for any new piece of ink. It did not matter how long she waited it never came. At least a reply to that question never came. As she studied her arm for what seem like forever the conversation with Sarawat died away.

He knew she was far too preoccupied with with waiting for a message to appear. He was probably the only one in the band who could truly understand what Earn was feeling since he was the only one who had recently discovered his soulmate mark.

Tine was terrible, if not more so, at replying in a timely matter. Sometimes Tine would wait hours just to answer back with a single letter, either forgetting to reply or simply not noticing it.

So Earn waited. Minute after minute. Nothing. Just as she was about to give up that familiar fluttering sensation came back, making her heart soar.

But it was not a reply to Earn’s question. No. It wasn’t even a word.

It was just a smaller anatomically correct penis that was colored in instead of labeling.

Earn pursed her lips in bewilderment but decided that she obviously would not get a reply any time soon.

“I don’t know.” She admitted, shrugging once more. “I really don’t know.”

The first Earn noticed her soulmate mark she was seventeen. She had gym during school today so in between classes she hoped in the shower for a quick rinse off. She didn’t notice any ink nor did she feel abnormal as she scrubbed the dirt and sweat away.

It was afterwards, when she was towel drying her body and trying to slip back on her uniform that she saw pink ink near her wrist.

Confusion coursed through her as she brought her arm toward the light for a better look. She didn’t remember writing anything on her arms.

At first Earn didn’t quite understood what it said due to how faint it was but the longer she stared the more she could understand it.

Mitochondria is the powerhouse cell.

She was shocked, that was sure, but she didn’t have time to think too critically about it because the bell signifying her next class was about to begin snapped her out of it.

Earn forgot about that day in the shower for a few weeks. She knew that soulmates and soul marks were real but it never registered to Earn that was what it was. She didn’t have a soulmate. No way did she have a soulmate. Earn just...forgot that she wrote that. Yeah. That is exactly what happened.

It wasn’t until she was laying in bed one day, laptop perched on her lap as she hummed along to her favorite band, that the memory of that day came flooding back.

A stinging sensation started at the base of her spine and slowly traveled up until her fingertips were tingling and her her throat was constricting. Soon enough the sensation had made its way all over he body, from her fingertips to her toes Earn felt it.

It didn’t hurt, quite the opposite, but it was enough to pause what she was doing.

Then the stinging feeling evaporated into thin air. It was like it never happened. Instead it was replaced by something akin to butterflies but vastly more intense.

A half done math equation appeared near her elbow. A math equation Earn never even learned.

A few beats of silence passed before more ink appeared. It was of a cartoon bunny holding up a sign that that had a phrase on it: Susu Pear!

Earn could no longer pretend like she forgot about writing on her arm. No. This was a soulmate mark.

She practically threw off her laptop off and hastily scrambled out of bed to her desk to grab a pen. Once she found one she tore off the cap and scribbled out a word, feeling as if her heart would leap out of her chest.

hello?

Earn waited for a reply what seemed like years but in reality it was only half a minute.

...hello?

Oh god. Oh my god. She had a soulmate.

None of her friends of family got their soulmate marks yet so she was utterly confused on what to do next. She could search the web for answers but she was scared that her soulmate would disappear.

cute bunny drawing. is your name pear?

The reply was almost instantaneously, showing up before Earn even finished her own message.

thank you! yes, my name is pear. what’s your name?

Before Earn could reply again Pear wrote something else back, just below her previous message.

you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to! i know that some people ignore their soulmate marks.

Butterflies erupted in Earn’s stomach once again but this time it was not because of the ink. Soulmate. Pear just confirmed it. There was no backing out of it now.

my name is earn and...i don’t want to ignore this. unless...you want to?

no! i don’t want to ignore this. i want to um, get to know you. can we do that?

of course. what do you want to know?

everything.

That’s exactly what Earn did, she told Pear everything. Not that night but over the next few years they essentially bared their souls to each other in every sense of the word. Sometimes they would write whole entire essays to each other, forced to erase the earlier conversations or come up with new creative places to write. Sometimes they would send doodles back in forth.

After a few months of talking when the two settled into a comfortable routine, somehow becoming each others biggest supporters. Before every exam, Pear would send Earn the same little cartoon bunny cartoon drawing. Every time the message on the poster was different.

susu earn!

you can do it.

good luck!

earn! you got this!

i'm always rooting for you!

you got this, babe!

Sometimes the messages were so cheesy that Earn felt color flood her cheeks and often never replied because she didn’t know what to say. She would feign innocence when this happened, claiming she was just so nervous about her exam that she forgot to reply.

It was ridiculous—she was so tongue tied and bashful over the same messages you would find on motivational stickers. If anyone else drew these things Earn would think it was dumb but because it was from Pear she thought it utterly adorable.

Earn in return took up to expanding Pear’s musical knowledge and interests. She would use her arms to write down random bits of lyrics she thought of instead of on paper. Pear always took care to never erase those lyrics until Earn gave her the green light.

However, most of the time they just talked. About anything. About nothing. After a few years went by of this Earn grew fond of the soulmate she knew virtually everything yet nothing about.

Unlike most people who got soulmate marks she dated. It was nothing serious, it never was, but she got to experience many different firsts.

Pear, on the other hand, apparently never dated—before or after the soulmate mark appeared—swearing she was far too busy with trying to get into college and than medical school to date. Besides, she wrote one day, I have you. That’s enough.

Messages like that always left Earn melting into a puddle of goo. The thing with soulmates is that they didn’t exactly have to be romantic. Hundreds of thousands of soulmates got their mark but decided to just stay platonic. That’s exactly what Earn thought would happen to them.

It’s not as if she never thought about them in a romantic sense, Earn did more than she cared to admit, but she would always quickly shake out of when she realized that it would never between them too like that.

It has been almost four years and neither of them has asked to meet yet. Surely if they wanted to meet each other they could of. At the start they found out that they only lived three hours apart. After they began college, Earn and Pear found out that they were even closer to each other.

Yet they always managed to skirt around that topic. It would happen one day or it never will Earn wrote one day either way let's just stay like this while we wait for that day to come.

[elounorfluff-blog]

Inhaling Every Moment

A/N: OK I already apologized for this in my previous post. The whole thing isn’t heart-wrenching, I promise. Like and comment, reblog or DM with feedback! And a super fluff-filled nothing sad at all Christmas one-shot is coming in December. So here’s Christmas 2016....

The air felt colder than usual, but it had nothing to do with close to freezing temperatures outside. Louis wasn’t sure his life could have been in a more horrific state than it was that chilly night in December. The funeral had been held two weeks ago and he didn’t know how there were any tears left in him. After that awful day, it had been too much for him to keep leaning on Dani. Snapping at her when she was just trying to help and then apologizing over and over again until their relationship had more tension than comfort. She had left two days after his X-factor performance, on amicable terms. He knew it wasn’t her fault he was so upset with the world right now, but he didn’t think he could be with anyone in his current state. And of course, she had been at the funeral. Some part of him had expected to see Eleanor there, but when he actually saw her in living, breathing, form, it was like someone had sliced open freshly sewn stitches. He’d barely been able to say more than a few words to her.

His birthday had passed yesterday without any festivity beyond reading a hopelessly long letter his mother had left behind for him, telling him how proud she was and that she wished him only to find peace in the coming year. Lottie had also made him eat something and changed his sheets, and then taken him and Fizzy, along with the older twins to get hot chocolate. It had been a sort of quiet he wasn’t used to, but he had never been more thankful to have so many sisters. They were all in this together, at least.

And there had been today. Christmas. In their rented London home close to the hospital that no one could bear to leave just yet. Nobody woke up early to open gifts, but Dan and Fizzy had started making pancakes around noon as people drifted downstairs. It was an odd kind of relief to have things to do that day. Traditions that simply had to be upheld lest they have one more reminder of Jay’s absence. And so, they had decorated the tree that had sat neglected for the past month as they had been too busy with goodbyes and funeral plans and grieving to worry about something as trivial as ornaments. The memories held in each little trinket he hung up ended up being of far more comfort than he thought they would. He had found all the little things he’d made her in primary school, ornaments from different years which read “the Tomlinsons”, and listed names on some item. The first looked like a cookie sheet and simply held Marks name, his mum’s, and his own. The most recent was in the shape of a large snow globe and held at the top “The Tomlinson-Deakin Family” and read on tiny name plaques, “Jay, Dan, Mark, Louis, Lottie, Fizzy, Daisy, Phoebe, Doris, Ernest”. He’d smiled, wondering what the person who had done the calligraphy must have thought, writing all those names. Every single one of the kids had some creative ‘Baby’s 1st Christmas’ one as well, his own simply stating those words on a tiny silver frame that held a photo of his Mum with him at one day old, not even discharged from the hospital yet.

They had sat in the living room and opened a few gifts from each other, before they had finally addressed the tense absence hanging in the air. Each of them had gone around and told the happiest story they could think of about Johannah. And for awhile they had laughed even though the pain was still fresh. She had brought so much joy to their lives. They had stayed in their cocoon of togetherness, not wanting to leave the warmth and comfort of seeing their mum in each other’s eyes, but then children started to fuss, and the night had to end as Lottie and Fizzy got the younger twins off to bed. He had to let the great world spin, whether he wanted to or not.

It was close to midnight now. He knew all the older girls were probably crowded into one bedroom, asleep on each other, as they had been since the funeral. He sat downstairs, in a back room with vaulted ceilings that was full of windows to let light in during the day. He was curled up on the couch, with his knees hugged to his chest feeling completely numb.  He took out his phone in hopes of finding a distraction, scrolling mindlessly through the names in his phone. Louis wasn’t even sure how or why he had hit call on Eleanor’s contact, it just happened.

Meanwhile, El sat in her sweatpants alone in her London flat. She couldn’t bring herself to go home to Manchester. She’d tried to enjoy herself earlier with a friend who’d invited her to dinner, but now she simply felt alone, save for Bruce, who she was currently using as a pillow. She missed Jay with everything in her, but more than that, she missed the normalcy of being around the Tomlinsons and how comforting it had been just to wrap Daisy and Phoebe in her arms at the funeral. His family was the only one that was going through this process with her, but she felt like an intruder, so she kept her communication to a minimum. When her phone rang, she didn’t intend to answer it until she saw the contact name flash.

“…. Hello?” She answered hesitantly.

“Hey,” Louis said quietly.

“You’re up late,” she mumbled.

“Surprised you’re still awake,” Louis replied awkwardly.

“I haven’t really slept much since….you know. Did you need something?” She asked with curiosity rather than annoyance.

Louis paused as if trying to remember something. “Not…not really, I guess. Just can’t sleep either, although apparently everyone else can.”

Eleanor spoke before she thought, “Do you want me to come over?”

“I can’t say the answer is no. I promised you no more lies, but if you’re tired, I understand” he told her, which was true. They had spoken briefly after Jay told her about Brianna’s pregnancy. It had been a strange conversation where she questioned why he felt the need for her to know before the public, and he’d answered her that despite not feeling they could reconciliate, he felt he owed her honesty, and that honesty wasn’t letting someone you had been with for three and a half years find out you were having a child from the media.

“I’m a little tired, but that doesn’t mean I can fall asleep anytime soon. Be over in ten?” El didn’t know why she agreed. A little birdie (actually twin ones with iPhones) had informed her when Danielle had gone back to America and their general understanding that Louis and she had split.

“Yeah that works…. See you soon.” The line went dead as he hung up.

El turned to Bruce, “I have to go, love.” The dog answered by putting his head on his paws. “….Actually? Do you want to go for a ride in the car…yeah?” The dog’s ears perked up and he sat, pawing at her. “Alright, but we have to be very quiet.”

She grabbed a clean sweater, double checked she had on deodorant, and didn’t bother beyond that. She packed up her golden-doodle and started her car.

Lou texted her to come in the side door, where the deck was waiting off the room where he currently sat. He heard her pull up but didn’t see her until she was at the glass door, holding a giant bundle of tan fur in her arms. Lou gently slid the door open as she stepped in and set Bruce down. “You brought your dog?!” He whisper shouted.

El shushed him in reply, quietly telling Bruce to lay down. “Yes, I brought my dog. You have to take care of them you know.” She wasn’t sure why she was being so forward, although Louis had purchased Bruce for her and known him quite well. He had been their dog. “Besides, you can’t tell me that fluffball is anything other than comforting,” she told him quietly.

Louis gave her a look but then his eyes softened as he crouched down to pet the dog. “Hey Bruce-y. How’s life been?” He sat down on the ground against the back of a couch and pet him.

El joined him on the ground, still wearing her coat and boots, rubbing her dog’s belly as she talked mindlessly. “He’s been okay. Definitely missed you when you first left.” She tried to fill the endless silence. “What’s on your mind?”

Louis sighed, “Just…how lonely things seem without her. I didn’t even see her all that often before she was diagnosed, I was busy living it up in LA, but then I was here constantly after that call. I was afraid if I left for too long, I might never see her again,” he said without looking up. He scratched Bruce’s ears as a distraction.

“At least you got to say goodbye?” El tried to look for something comforting but wasn’t coming up with much.

“You’re only the hundredth person to say that to me”, Lou rolled his eyes, standing up. “I need to smoke,” he told no one in particular, slipping on his shoes and heading out to the deck. Eleanor followed him, since Bruce had fallen asleep in the warmth of the house.

El pulled her coat tighter around her in the still night air, watching Louis take a pack and a lighter out of his sweatshirt pocket. She leaned against the railing and put one of her hands out. “Give me one those,” she said.

Lou gave her a strange look, “Didn’t you quit smoking…. four or five years ago?”

“I quit because I was dating someone in a band who had in image to uphold for millions of thirteen-year-old girls in 2011, you hypocrite”, she deadpanned, but he still didn’t look like he planned on surrendering any. “Give me a fucking cigarette!” She whisper-shouted.

Lou looked he had been shaken out of trance as he handed one over to her and lit it for her. “Well at least I can count on you not to lecture me about the hazard”, he told her, taking a drag off his own.

El almost laughed as she exhaled, “I’m pretty sure the fact that Jay hated smoking is enough of a lecture by itself.”

“You’d think. I’ve been awful about it though. I can go through a pack in two hours easily,” he informed her. It was true. His nerves never seemed to calm down and for some reason the routine dispense of nicotine into his system felt at least somewhat relaxing.

“Well, we all have our vices,” she knew it wasn’t worth lecturing him about anyway. He was going to do it either way until he worked through Jay being gone. They were silent for a few minutes as they smoked, until she stomped hers out on the ledge, too cold to continue. “You almost done, it’s bloody freezing out here?”

Louis saw her shivering and threw his in the ashtray. “It’s warmer upstairs, inside I mean,” he said as he offered his hand to her to walk back in. El glanced at him suspiciously before accepting it.

“What have you been doing down here, then?” She asked as he slid the door open.

“I…I couldn’t fall asleep alone. The girls are all piled in with each other, and if you hadn’t heard, things weren’t really working between Dani and I. She left two weeks ago,” Louis pat his leg to call Bruce over while El took her boots off. He had forgotten how much he cared about the dog.

“I heard,” she said quietly, looking for a subject change. “He remembers you. I can tell, he wouldn’t let Max near him for months, but he doesn’t even make a sound when you pet him”, she said watching the two interact, “are we going upstairs?” She gestured to the staircase down the hall as she hung up her coat above her boots.

 He figured she was cold from being outside, and it wasn’t going to hurt anything for them to go up to his room, “I guess…as long as Bruce is quiet.” El nodded in reply and picked up her overgrown puppy. Lou shook his head at her, hinting at a smile. He crept down the hall and up the stairs with her in tow, until they got to his room. He shut the door and turned on a lamp.

El set Bruce down on the bed, while Lou cleared away random things from it. “What’s that?” She asked of an unopened gift bag sitting on the ground.

Lou looked to where she pointed, and his heart sank, “birthday gift from Mum. I read the letter, but I haven’t opened it yet.”

“Oh…well do it now then. While I’m here for moral support,” She knew it might be months before he got around to it if she didn’t push him. Lou gave her an annoying look but picked it up and sat down next to her.

He took out the tissue paper and removed the two items inside. The first one was an engraved picture frame with one of the last photos of him and Jay before she was hospitalized. It simply read ‘Love you always, Mum Xx’ in what was clearly her handwriting. He smiled at it before setting it down gently on his dresser and picking up the other gift. It was a flat silver circle with an inner an outer ring, hung from a ribbon. The inner circle had a teddy bear holding a gift etched into it, while the outer one read ‘Baby’s first Christmas 2016’. He blinked back tears as he showed it to El. “She has one of these for all seven of us. And everyone’s is different, even Daisy and Phoebe’s. They were some of her favorite ornaments, she always talked about getting one for Freddie.”, he said it solemnly, leaning against her shoulder without thinking.

El squeezed his hand gently and set the trinket down next to the photo. She went to kick the bag aside but noticed something white in the tissue paper and picked it up for Lou to see. It was a Polaroid of all things, from Jay’s wedding. “Is that us?” Eleanor asked, even though she knew it was her because she remembered taking the photo.

It was while everyone was still getting ready and somehow the bridesmaids had found themselves running around barefoot as they finished up. Sophia had come to help her fix her hair, and brought Liam with her, who had brought Niall, and before she knew it all of One Direction was in the house and her hair still hadn’t been fixed. Someone was taking Polaroids for fun and had gone to grab one of Louis and Liam after he first walked in. Joke was on that photographer, because Lou had called her over, which of course led to Liam calling Sophia over, and then Louis told Zayn and Perrie they may as well join, which led Niall and Harry to sarcastically complaining about not being included. Louis had told them it was a couples only photo, and they needed a date, which they responded to by waving over Daisy and Phoebe, also barefoot and dresses still untied, and putting the girls on their backs.

The end result had been a set of laughing twins on the backs of Harry and Niall with linked arms and ridiculous facial expressions on one end and Zayn and Perrie looking relatively normal on the other end. In between that mess was Louis holding El’s waist and kissing her on the cheek while she looked slightly to the side, bursting with laughter at Sophia who was standing on her tiptoes in her black dress, trying to be as tall as El in her bare feet while Liam had covered half his smile, trying to hide his laughter at Soph’s attempt to be taller.

Louis took the photo from her after studying it, wondering why his mum had included it. He turned it over where the back of it had written in sharpie, ‘Louis, never stop making people smile. :)’. He looked at El, “that is definitely us.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. The photo only stirred up more feelings, although not all of them were bad.

“Can I borrow a sweatshirt?” El asked out of the blue once the silence got to be too much. Her sweater felt tight and uncomfortable now.

“Yeah, I’ll grab you one”, he exhaled heavily as he set the photo down and pulled one of his drawers open, surrendering the warm fleece. “Did you want one of the guest rooms?” He turned to pet Bruce while she changed.

El pulled her sweater off and unclasped her bra, before discarding that as well. She pulled on his warm sweatshirt and scooted back, “I’m fine here.”

“You want to sleep in my room? As in….” Louis was confused.

El rolled her eyes, “I’ll sleep with you. Wait not like that, I didn’t mean-”

“I got it,” he cut her off, understanding her meaning. Bruce stayed curled up at the end of the bed as he went to lay beside her, taking the Polaroid with him to examine it further.

She put a hand on his arm out of habit, “You alright?”

Louis shook his head. “I know that was probably one of the happiest days of her life, but it’s definitely in me own top three. I got to walk down the aisle with you. And nobody was fighting, not the band or my siblings, or…us”, he tilted his head slightly.

“You really want to do this right now?” El turned on her own side to face him, leaning on her arm, “talk about us?”

“You say it like it’s such a bad thing”, his tone didn’t convey any particular emotion, besides the grief he was clearly carrying in general.

“Not bad, per say…. just doesn’t do anybody a lot of good. Reminiscing about a girl you used to be in love with,” Eleanor stated like it should be obvious.

Louis raised an eyebrow at her as if she had just told him something completely inconceivable, like the sky turning green. He took one of her hands and looked straight at her, “Eleanor, I didn’t used to be in love with you… I still am.”

El blinked back a tear and looked at their hands instead of back at him, “You promised… no more lies.” She didn’t ever want to risk having her heart shattered again.

Louis wasn’t holding back his tears as they slid down his cheeks. “I’m not lying. You’re my girl, Eleanor,” El tried to look anywhere but at his eyes. “I know I fucked up, and got really lost the last two years, in too many ways to count, but I promise I’m not lying about this,” he pleaded with her.

El let the tears fall down her face. “Why did you call me?” She asked through her tears, swallowing thickly. She stared at their fingers, still laced together between them.

“Because”, Louis choked out, “because you’re my family. Nobody can ever be you, which means no one can ever understand losing her the way you would. You don’t treat me like some…broken, fragile thing. And because…maybe, I missed you.” He blinked hard and wiped at his eyes with his sweatshirt

“Maybe?” El finally met his eyes.

“No. Not Maybe. I did miss you. Shit, El. I missed you so much”, it was like a million emotions came flooding back in one second.

El wiped at her own tears. She crept closer to him, feeling her heartbeat pounding in her ears. She lost herself in the ocean of his eyes.

“I missed you too,” she whispered.  She wasn’t sure why she admitted to that so freely, but she knew with every part of her that it was true.

Louis didn’t stop to wonder if her reply was genuine or second guess her, at least not with words. He just gave her a half smile and squeezed her hand gently, “Yeah?”

El nodded and pushed her palm against his so he fell on his back and pressed her lips to his. Her thought process was completely gone at this point. She had meant to be gentle and quick, but before she knew it, his other hand was tucking a stray hair behind her ear as she found the familiar taste of cigarettes and some expensive whiskey he must have been drinking earlier and him. She surrendered all her oxygen to it, kissing him as they both cried silent tears.

Lou wanted her back the second she pulled away to breathe, but he decided he could definitely settle for her body pressed to his as she curled around him and rested her head on his chest. He swallowed and found his tears finally subsiding as he wrapped his arm around her. “I can’t lose you too, not again.”

El didn’t look at him to argue or try to declare her love enough to convince him she wasn’t going anywhere. She didn’t have the energy or the motivation to do any of that. She simply snuggled closer to him and ran her thumb over his where they knotted together. “You won’t,” she stated simply, glancing at the clock reading eleven fifty. “Merry Christmas,” she said sleepily. And then her eyelids were getting heavy as she wrapped her body around his and shifted most of her upper bodyweight onto him.

He yawned under the comforting pressure of her head tucked beneath his chin and her chest against his abs, one arm wrapped lazily around him.  Eleanor drifted off with her nose tucked to his shoulder. Louis’ breathing finally became slow and even as he listened to her breathe and smelled the same perfume that had been a constant for almost four years of his life. Bruce came and laid beside them. This was the furthest thing from happily ever after as their tear stained faces dried, but there was no denying it was love. It didn’t matter how many mansions he bought, or how hard he tried to escape his feelings for her, she was his home.

“Merry Christmas, Eleanor, I love you,” he whispered in the darkness before sleep finally found him.

 A/N: Please like and comment! Title from “First Time” by Ellie Goulding and Kygo

[scribbleroot]

Drawing Challenge: Crazy Pirate Unicorn

For some reason I never posted this here. This is a doodle from awhile ago.

[yamlog]

12 oct 2019 (i have decided that in my remaining time i might as well just be all Dear Diary-ish and the lack of date/time in the formatting is quite alsdkfj. anyway, so here goes:)

dear diary (?)

i calmly explained my thoughts and my decision to a friend who’s been through similar struggles and for the first time there was no pushback, no ‘why are you so stupid’ or ‘why are you so dramatic’ or ‘why can’t you see the bigger picture’ or ‘i’m going to call your housephone and speak to your parents’, all of which don’t really help. the only thing she tried to do was extend the deadline from the dec of my 28th birthday till my 29th birthday, which i acceded to. there was the ‘uhh but 2.5 years is really short arh it’ll go by like nothing’, but other than that remark there was no judgement and no protesting or disapproval. and it soothed me, i guess, to be heard and accepted and not told that i’m doing something wrong. and i felt less alone, and just a tiny bit more understood. 

i told her about the book i was reading, and the injustices of a school system that failed a child who sought help. i think it takes a certain bravery to seek help. i don’t have it in me. i want to do this on my own, not because i am brave but because i am afraid and tired. i’m tired of feeling anything at all, especially of having feelings for someone i really really really really wish i didn’t have feelings for anymore. i want to turn it off like a tap but i just can’t, and nothing i do or he does can change it. he could become a serial killer or a woman-hater and i would still find myself unable to stop loving him. i think there’s something lodged in my brain that makes me unable to reason and rationalise my way out of attachment and emotions. nothing. i. do. works. i am tired of feeling erased - like the story he removed from his highlight - and discarded. and i am tired of feeling like everything is out of my control. i don’t think talking about it to an adult (as if i weren’t one) is going to fix my feelings. i don’t want to take pills and rely on them. i don’t believe that i won’t be reliant on them long-term, no matter what MR says. i just don’t believe it. if a tree can’t bear fruit because something is wrong at the genetic level, no amount of high-grade fertiliser is going to make it. 

and since i set the deadline, things have started to sharpen into focus. i have a list of affairs to settle, and things i want to do/ get done before i expire. 

the first being, i want to use the camera more, the crazily expensive vintage camera MR saved up really long for to buy me, which he then put in a wooden box with a coating and locks that he installed himself. it was a testament to how crazy teenage love can be, and i have done similar things in my time. but this is the best instance of me being at the receiving end. i took out the camera today, dusted it off, and loaded in a fresh roll of ISO800 film. i took a few shots downstairs when i sent my friend off. it feels good to hear that crispy click. it’s reassurance that the photo will come out right, that the settings were correct, that i didn’t mess up. i’ll take more especially when i am overseas, visiting my cousin. because it might be the last time i see her, if i don’t get a chance to visit again by my 29th birthday. it’s going to be winter time, and i can already recall how painful my fingers felt as they’re out in the cold fumbling with the even colder metal gears and knobs. i have also decided that once i can, i will sit down in my room and post everything that i’ve taken so far. i want there to be a clear demarcation between then and now. the photos that i have taken in the past, when i was happy and content, they Cannot and Will Not be mixed with the ones i have started taking today. there must be a line between pre-decision and post-decision, pre-break and post-break. it feels wrong and messy and unacceptable otherwise. there must be a line. i’ll get to it.

aside from this, i haven’t decided what else to sort out. i thought that maybe i should write those stories ive been dreaming up, the wacky ones that take place in singapore. ghost stories too. but try as i might, i can’t figure out a resolution. i feel like i should have the whole storyline in my head before i even start writing, so i can work towards an end. but i’ve also read somewhere that sometimes it’s better to let the story write itself. just start writing it, and then go with the flow. my fear is that i won’t be able to reach an end, and i’ll just keep going and going and going as the story grows and expands beyond my control. i guess i really fear losing control now. it’s just too much risk that i’m no longer willing to take. i guess i’m damaged, irreversibly. 

i want to make small zines and give them to my friends. i made one during invigilation, as part of inktober for my drawing twt acc. it’s made of scrap materials and i manually snapped a rubberband in half so i could use it to bind the scrap paper i poked holes in with my only pen at the time. we can’t really bring stuff to invigilation so i had to make do with existing trash on the table. 

--

hearing horror stories about teachers getting in trouble because of what they post on social media. ive been open about attending p*nkd*t and now i’m not sure if someone could dredge up a photo of me at the park from 4 years ago and use it to justify my unsuitability for the job. it really is a nightmare. and im not one to be paranoid, but i think i should be. 

long, long day tomorrow. my legs are battered and bruised all over and tomorrow it’s go time again. 

i tidied up some things i’ve collected in my bag - pieces of things from small gifts from friends that i had saved to stick into my journal. i arranged them on the page and stuck them down, it took about 3 minutes. as i worked, my friend said that she could never do that. do what? i asked. make things look nice so effortlessly, she said. she said she tried to bujo for six months but nothing she did turned out looking nice. it ties in with her drawing style. she said she wanted to participate in inktober, but she hates having to go over pencil with a pen, but at the same time she cannot bring herself to just draw with pen first. i’m not like that, i guess. i just draw with pen without hesitation, the same way i write or tape things down in my journal. it’s not bravery, it’s recklessness, i think. i recklessly commit all the time. i don’t think ‘what if i fuck up? what if i stick wrong and in the process of trying to remove it i end up tearing the paper?’ i don’t think, i just go. and if i make any mistakes i just work around it. draw over it, stick something over it, extend the line into a box or a part of a doodle. i’m meticulous when it  comes to some things, but completely not when it comes to creative expression. or with love either. i don’t backtrack, and i don’t think ‘what if i fuck up’ i just Go and give my 100% and love whatever’s there. i don’t think my approach is wrong. i think i need to look before i leap, but still leap. some things are fundamental to me.

my memory’s really bad today. my friend said it’s the shock and grief and crying, it affects your ability to retain information or remember things. even when im trying to remember what ia te for lunch just 10 hours ago, i have to struggle to remember. i ate downstairs. chicken rice, for the first time in ages. it was hard, taking that first bite, and i couldn’t finish half of my plate because i just felt so sick with grief my stomach protested when i tried to scrap up another spoon of rice. i made myself finish the soup. i think i’m still running a fever. it’s just the impact. i’ll be wobbly and insubstantial like a spirit for awhile. then i’ll come back, and solidify, i hope.