#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...

[sachermorte]

You give the idea that youve already really made it. Maybe you dont try to, but you seem.. sucesfull. Accomplished. Happy. Doing things and getting them done and having a large list of things youve already done behind you. You are confident and very bold in an almost, sometimes, annoying manner. Perhaps I only see you as that only because I'm jealous of how easy you love yourself. Your ego definetely gives the idea that youve made it and if not the "making it" is in your grasp. Idk. You live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth and you buy beautiful items every other day and you teach what seems as magnificent things magnificently and people love you, admire you. Are jealous of you. Havent you made it?

I'm sorry if this seems like hate, it is not. I respect you. And I understand if this jovialness is after it all only a persona for the internet. If it is, it works very well. You dont have to answer this, of course.

The attitude is a bit of a front. Not just for the internet, but for everyone who knows me in real life as well. I would feel as naked without it as I would if I went out without clothes. But also I think it's fully real? As in I've been wearing it for so long that it's melded into me, and now I'm just sort of like this. It's very Falco-esque in a way. Depends heavily on my mood and whatever is going on at the time.

I have my problems, of course. Trauma and mental illness and instability in my moods and relationships. My job security is only until the end of May. I have to find another legal justification to stay in this place that I love after I graduate with my master's. Something always comes through to save me from utter disgrace and ruin but I'm getting sick of counting on miracles. I have financial issues not because I'm necessarily spending beyond my means all the time (most of the things I pick up are only a few euro with very notable exceptions) but because I make just barely above the Armutsgefährdungsschwelle and had to dig myself out of a pit after the third worst time in my life. I seek out human contact because I don't do well alone, but if we spend too much time together too quickly I start to become disgusted with my own feelings.

Do people love me? Do they admire me? Are they jealous of me? I honestly can't tell. I'm notoriously bad at gauging someone's positive emotions towards me. I'm always utterly floored when someone says they were thinking about me when I'm not around. It just doesn't register. The idea that people love me sounds strange. The idea that they admire me is flattering. The idea that they're jealous of me feels alien, if only because I know the intricacies of my own situation. I think they're all very nice thoughts, but I struggle to fully integrate them.

But then, who isn't sailing through a secret storm, so to speak? I try to be good to myself even when things are a bit hard, because things are always a bit hard, and I want the good memories afterward. I'm living in the only place on earth worth living still muddling through somehow, despite it all. Not everyone can do that. Haven't I already made it? Haven't I just?

I don't know if I'm happy. I don't know if anyone can truly be said to be happy. But I am making a committed effort to enjoy myself. Maybe that's what matters.

P.S. I read this last night and wanted to give you a proper response once I'd thought about it, but I was h o w l i n g over "you are confident and very bold in an almost sometimes annoying manner". I honestly consider it one of the highest compliments I have ever received. It's uproariously funny. I kept coming back to read that very line over and over and cackling to myself about it. I want to have it printed and put in the binder of testimonials I have because I forget that people think fondly of me. Christ. I'll drink to that. Here's to annoying confidence and boldness. Somebody put on Egoist by Falco.

[cowboybrunch]

writerblr interview tag!

thank you for the tags @tragedycoded (here) @sableglass (here) and @saturnine-saturneight (here) <3 ive been meaning to get to this one for a minute sooo let's get into it

Short stories, novels, or poems?

i started with poetry, so it has a special place in my heart. all of my short stories turn into beasts. is it a cop out answer to say all of the above?

What genre do you prefer reading?

it'd be easier to list what genres i don't like. when i say ill read anything, i mean ill read anything. lately i've been on a sci fi kick (thanks Pierce Brown) but i love a good modern trashy romance as much as the next guy (i read the booktok sludge so you dont have to!) im not really a nonfiction guy but hey, if anyone has some recs, ill give em a shot

Are you a planner or a write as I go kind of person?

def NOT a planner. usually when i start writing i have a vague idea of where we start and where we need to end up, but what happens along the way is a surprise for everyone involved

What music do you listen to while writing?

SILENCE. sometimes white noise. i cant focus with music, brain gets jumbled

Favorite books/movies?

of all time? oh god for books, probably This Is How You Lose the Time War or The Song of Achilles but The Locked Tomb series is def up there. not a novel but i've read Bluets by Maggie Nelson so many times i probably have it memorized by now favorite movie is Zoolander, easy answer. that movie owns. i can watch it on repeat and ill never get sick of it

Any current WIPs?

Dust to Dust is still alive but im taking a bit of a hiatus before hopping into the final bit (tag is here if you wanna see me ramble about it) Felix Wonder is the fun time brain break WIP of choice currently and im working on draft 3 of Burden of the Reluctant Death (we will get to the ending this time. we will)

Create a character description of yourself: 

Elusive, or pretends to be. Too much energy in too small a body. Refuses to sit properly in a chair. Prone to fits of melancholy remedied by sunlight. Easily excitable, but fussy. Same outfit every day: big sweater, little pants, fuzzy socks. Nails bitten bloody but at least her hair is clean (if a bit too long for summer)

Do you like incorporating actual people you know into your writing?

i could say no but that would make me a liar

Are you kill happy with your characters?

i was gonna make a joke but it would be spoilers soo. i write about grief. no way everyone makes it out alive

Coffee or Tea while writing?

coffee. i dont like tea (sorry sorry!)

Slow or fast writer?

im very much a burst writer so. flood or drought, no in between. lately i'd say SLOW but im just waiting for that spark u get me?

If you were in a fantasy world, what would you be?

this really isnt fantasy but i feel like i was destined to be the kind, slightly off-putting maintenance man in a haunted apartment building that says cryptic things like "don't take the east elevator on a full moon" and "the air conditioning has made that noise since the fire in 12B"

Most fav book cliche:

yea there's only one bed and ill eat it up every single time!!! also: "i didnt know where else to go" or basically any overdone romance trope you can think of. im here for it

Least favorite cliche:

if there's a cliche that i dont like, i havent found it yet

Favorite scene to write?

confession scenes of any kind! scenes where the big tough character breaks down. any kind of emotional revelation, positive or negative

Reason for writing?

words in head, need words out of head ok ok fine, serious answer. i feel like writing is both asking and answering the question, "have you felt like this before? has anyone ever felt like this before? am i alone?" and it's proof that you're not the first and only person to ever experience the things you're experiencing. even this made up guy in this pretend world understands rage and despair and joy and grief and love. the source is different but the result is the same. human connection, man. love it and! it's fun. im having fun

tag!!

@knightinbatteredarmor @friendlesscat @tildeathiwillwrite @glassonthewall @illarian-rambling

@mysticstarlightduck @dyrewrites @sarandipitywrites @oliolioxenfreewrites @xenascribbles

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Hello there 🙏🫶 I just want to share this rn with you..... 💌 Recently i have developed a crush on a girl. She is so wonderful and we talk every day & i feel so giddy LOL. I don't even know her face😭 I am so unsure over alot of things & it is both mortifying & exhilarating to experience .. & thats the fun if it..omg.. recently i feel like so many friends are having crushes i wonde r your thoughts on this..

also i forgot how to flirt entirely so i dnt even know if its noticeable to her at all that im interested that way since i havent been bold enough LOL any advice on signaling this to her is appreciated i feel like13 again likeso clumsy LOL its so exciting too omg wishing you a beautiful day when u reaD this i hope it;s fine to send this to u i know u like your inbox used as a confessional but i'm still shy HAHA

🙏🌞🫶🫧🌈

AWWW💞💞💞 happy for u Anon :]....Ues it seems lately many people have been finding new love, i noticed it too the past few weeks :o I've only had that feeling a handful of times over my life, its a special one cus it can be quite fleeting depending on how fast things move, treasure it🌟 altho W/ me and slimbo it lasted ages so by the end of it when we finally confessed love i was FRIED from haveing butterflies in my stomach for so long lol i was losing my marbles over it. anywyas--

Honeslty im BAD at flirting like. i have noooo idea how to make a move , slimbo n i both tried to keep it .pokerface. for years because we're like, i dont even know, we're stupid we were almost enemies for a while. there was a timespan where we were SOOOO competitive and whenever we tried to play games we'd fight so much and i'd end up crying LMAO im laugjing so hard typing this cus we're not even like that now. Like as soon as we got together we became the ultimate harmonious team of considerate affectionate lovers but the courting phase was such a trainwreck lmao. i love it like its beautiful it all worked out, but yeah i suck at flirting i am swagless in that position🧎‍♀️

Altho when it's irl i definitely at least try to Thot it Up, concoct minxy outfits , move in a charming way, one of my most successful tactics has been attempting to orchestrate accidental voyeuristic scenarios for them to catch in their peripherals lol. but you have to be reeeeally subtle to pull that one off ;] i guess mostly i just try to talk to them a lot !! and be thouggtful. send telepathic uncondtional love. SHOW THEM SONGS!!!!!!! if its an internet thing, maybe u can watch movies or youtube videos together. be inquisitive and ask her lots of questions ^_^ one thing that always drew me to slimbo is how curious they are and their #intellect.. But everyones different so just feel it out day by day thru communication💓💓💓

hhope that helpes in some way.. its ok to feel giddy and clumsy im sure ur crush just wants to get to know the most authentic -you- so dont stress too much about specifics ^u^ Enjoy your weekend love ~ ~ ~ P.M.d.9

[nekomimineurosurgery]

sorry i dont post much lately ive just been having an episode and everything hurts so bad and it's hard to see the good or the future much at all and it's been extra hard because i went through some of the worst trauma in the past year since i was a child except it's so much lonelier and feels like theres not much time left for things to get better and because im literally so scared ( hypervigilant, insecure, etc.) All the time I keep ruining things I love so much. I havent been showing up to my job I liked as much and so I have less money and I keep ruining things between my partner and I even though he is good to me and im so in love with him and I want nothing more than than for things to go back to how they were when he was all over me but I've had so many meltdowns that things just arent the same and I'm so terrified they never will be and that im not even seeing all the good that's still here before he decides im too much. im scared im self sabotaging and im scared im going to get my hopes up, "get better", only for it to be too late. I can see myself being codependent but at the same time I crave intense and devotional romance because it's all I know and it feels good when its hard to find purpose or connection in other places. and here i am already fixating on relationship problems because it's easy and im placing so much importance and therefore pressure on my partner who deserves to rest and know he is stable and safe with me. and i guess it makes me really shameful and serves as a reminder that i might have deserved all the bad stuff that's happened since long ago and that im scared will continue to happen. i havent been able to eat much, sleep much. i feel like im as dissociated as i was as a teen again... it's hard to get out of bed. i used to not be able to find enough time in a day to cook, clean, play games, work. i just cant do almost any of it these days. i feel myself trying to claw out of my skin like my flesh is what is keeping me from living my life again. if you're still reading this - im sorry for the vent. i just havent put my true feelings anywhere lately. im scared, terrified. thoughts in my head all scrambled, and some not even mine. but i breathe, i feel the cool air, the warm air, and my skin and hair feel soft. despite what a monster i feel like i am laughed with and held close every day by people i love. this is all just a horrible storm i need to ride out. it's just frustrating. because i cant control the weather, but i can prepare for it. i just really really suck at preparing

[orchidyoonkook]

personal

Hi, need to scream. Tumblr seems to listen best. can and please feel free to ignore.

okay so essentially my job has removed all of the things I use and need in order to be able to do my job with my mental disorder. my mental DISABILTY. that i was honest with them and told them about at my freaking trial shift. that i told them i needed certain things in order to do well. nothing drastic. but things that helped me significantly with my performace.

SOOOOOOOOO i am now severely struggling at my job because they've taken those away cuz they were 'annoying' or 'in the way' or 'clutter'. like. im not even leaving shit every where. It's like, maybe at most 3 sticky notes? (for example) and they're written just for me, like just so i can have a list of things i can do and know to go back and look on when i need a task because ive finished the one i was doing. but then my boss reads them and critiques them as if they're for everyone. or says 'okay yeah but we do that every day so i dont see why you have to write it down. you should know to do it by now' LIKE BRO. I forget to put deodorant on some days because of said mental disability. it's something i do and have done every day since i was 12 or 13. thats 12 years. and i still forget some days just cuz my brain wasn't working properly.

AND now due to this they have put me, one of the staff currently with more seniority than 3 other staff, down to one shift a week, while every one else is full time or heavily part time.

In march i was full time and kicking ass, I was the fastest employee on my tasks, i was doing great, the customers loved me and now that all of my things that i need in order to function have been removed for everyone else's aesthetic preferences, I'm suffering, and most likely being silently fired.

like... what do i do with that. I can do my job, with my accomadations - that arent that many btw - i dont expect them to move mountains for me. But dude. I hate this feeling so much because i'm capable, theyve seen me be capable. i was for 1.5 years. like i want to be good at my job. I like and enjoy being good at my job. i've told them that. I want to do good but my ability to be good is being derailed, and i just get told to try harder, just work harder, impress your boss with how hard you work -> for minimum wage, i might add.

and everyone is like "just get a new job, just apply for more jobs you're not applying for enough, literally just apply for everything, even if youre not qualified" and i cant just do that, due to said disability. there are jobs i am unable to do. so i have to be a lil picky otherwise i'll be right back where i am now. and ive been looking for months and applying for months with no luck - no one ever responds. why list jobs if you dont respond?????

it's getting to the point where im debating opening up drawing commissions or writing commissions, or something that i can make to earn a little extra cash here and there while i get over this transition period. And that's a big deal for me because i don't do commissions. I do my art for myself or for when i want to share something i've made already, like the UTWT books. Hell, I did a tattoo design for a friend on here that i put easily 40 hours into, and i felt guilty that they wanted to pay me for it because i'd asked them for the idea. Like, i don't do commissions. so for me to be considering it is really telling for me.

anyways. this is a bajillion words long now, but i already feel better. and I'm posting it in the middle of the night in hopes that the void just consumes it and never lets it see the light of day.

If you read this, thanks and sorry for the bummer of a post. This isnt a pity party or a poor yoon thing. I'm not looking for comfort or any of that. this is a 'i don't have a therapist and my friends and partner and family are sick of hearing me bitch, when i havent been able to fix it in months despite trying my best too' thing. so yeah..

i hope the new year brings me something good.

[coolcoelacanth]

i've been so fucking sad about my ex recently and i feel like a crazy person. it's deadass been 1 year since we last saw each other but it's all just hitting me right now. i was relieved for the first few months after we ended things, then i was sad, then i was doing just fine, now all of a sudden i have been fucking miserable about it for the past month. i really wish i could take my brain out of my head and run it under cold water. i feel like im short circuiting. ive just been overall depressed then ill randomly burst into tears about it for like 30 minutes. i've only been one one date since we ended things, and im starting to feel like ill never find someone i love like that again. he didn't treat me right, and i deserve better, but damn did we work together so well. if he hadn't been an idiot things could've worked out really well. now im back to square one, with all these people i genuinely have no interest in. and im pretty sure he started seeing someone shortly after we ended things and theyre still together. so i just feel even worse, like did all of that really mean that little to him? and why does he get to move on and have a happy ending? i feel like nothing is ever fair bro, i give my heart and soul to this shit and i get the short end of the stick every time. and i really, truly, deeply trusted him. i really really did. i dont know how to get over this horrible feeling of betrayal. it burns a hole in my stomach. it doesnt feel real. i dont want any of it to be real. its all just some kind of sick joke. and i keep playing back all the memories of all the things he did that hurt me, so im just hurting myself over and over again and just crying about it all. my brain is truly putting me thru my own personal hell, for why? who fucking knows. maybe bc i havent had a day off since august and im finally having a nervous breakdown, so my brain is just throwing everything its got at me. and i literally spent 8 hours studying today, then im working 8 hrs tmrw and studying afterward for my exam on monday. but it doesn't end there, it all just repeats on an endless cycle until my semester ends in december. i only have this semester and next semester left until i will only be doing rotations, but jesus christ if this doesnt kill me. and i used to have a reprieve on the weekends when my ex would come over for three days and we would just LOL and eat good food and i really felt like i could completely let all my walls down. now i never get to let my walls down because i dont trust anyone to be myself around. so im just constantly holding everything in all the time until i finally explode one day. this is literally so long but if you made it this far, im literally at my breaking point. and i dont even have time to have a break down, i get to cry about my life for a couple hours a day then i just keep going and going and going like a fucking lunatic. somebody please put me out of my misery for fucks sake

[thirdmagic]

ah, yes... i dont know if it is people we share on our following list and I am not even sure if i was mutuals with them or if they unfollowed at some point before this but there were a few people, from fate fandom, people that i at least have been following for years and years, who put some stuff on my dash on the day of october 7th that. well. i jumped ship pretty much instantly because it sure was something to see after being woken by sirens and spending most of my day running between my apartment door and the bomb shelter and then seeing what was happening on the news. but yeah i havent seen a lot of it, like two-three people but i also know just enough of tumblr fate fandom to know how insular it is that i can pretty much extrapolate what must be going on in other blogs and what you must have seen. so i clearly ran away right on time lol

i don't even know if they've even forgotten some of these parts so much as they never learned about them or never knew. or maybe they haven't forgotten but need their specific easy narrative and to project their own familiar political issues on it so badly that they willingly remain ignorant. i also think there's just such an issue where the only antisemitism that registers as such in many people's minds really is just the shoah and the idea of a jew as a tragic victim of the shoah is the only one they can work with, so they just compartmentalize that from any kind of currently living, breathing, existing jewish person who is not so easily perfect-victim-ized.

but honestly, i think none of us here realized how bad it was too. i had a feeling something like this would happen one day eventually inevitably but it seemed to me like the next moment of devastation had to be way more far off and also that people would obviously do at least the bare minimum of caring and acknowledging that it's bad that it happened and to at least be a little compassionate because that's normal to expect, right. again, not a high bar, surely, right. and well. you know how that worked out.

and to you both: thank you for your kind words and your compassion and understanding. i am pretty much as safe as i can be, there has been rockets and attacks in the areas around where i live and smaller individual instances within it but nowhere near the scale of what's been going on elsewhere. emotionally i've had a few very rough days and very, very low points this past week, i won't lie, especially since i've spent the first week just kinda absorbed in following the news, but i'm doing much better than i used to and figuring out ways to deal with it and to cope, i've had a lot of people willing to listen and talk to, and i managed to find community in several different places to bond around this and work through it together

and you know for all the awfulness and all the ways people have been horrible about it online and elsewhere there's also been a lot of goodness, many, many people reached out to me personally in support, and i treasure and appreciate every single bit and every single effort you can make. and honestly it's especially valuable coming from gentiles and in general everyone who isnt affected or involved, i understand the risk it carries for you all to go against the grain and how much easier it would be to just go long with the narrative that refuses to listen and understand. so again, thank you. this stuff kinda helps me get through the day, even if it's just thoughts, words, or reblogs, it is still valuable to me and others.

[ainelane]

Tw. Depression, suicide

I'm not really looking for comments or anyone to even actually see this post. It's more here to scream into the void and get some of these thoughts out of my head and i am hoping that clears some this sudden clutter.

I was at work today listening to random video essays on youtube when. The essayist began talking about their experience with depression. It's not an unusual experience with it or even anything particularly special but, It sorta just resonated with me and i realized that hadn't really been here... like in reality for a while now. I've been going through motions and living like a robot just doing things. Going to work going home and sleeping maybe every so often I'd come up and be in a moment or two play games with friends or realize i havent been eating and cook breakfast. But for the most part ive just been on a sorta autopilot. I thought. "Its almost like I'm not living at all. I'm just a shell with something piloting it 6 days of the week." Then i had the random thought. "I want to die" it was so intrusive and sudden but it's just in my head now i feel almost like im on an edge and i just want a way out either to just slip back out of my body or fucking die. I dont get it i work hard, i have an okay paying job i found things i enjoy doing but i still feel so fucking empty and sad now and i think I've onlt made it this far because ive been so dissociated with my own life for i dont even know how long that realizing it feels like ive just pushed myself over an edge i cant recover from. I think i need to call some friends. Maybe take a few weeks off work idk what I'm going to do

[itsmelloww]

I'm a plant mum now 🌿🪴 (im so stressed)

I'll keep a little diary of my experience so far because to say that i am STRESSED and feeling like a helicopter parent would be an understatement.

What I'm working with:

Alocasia Jacklyn (MY plant)

Winter Cherry (soldier with trauma)

Winter Cherry Jr (unexpected pregnancy)

Jade Plant (unbothered queen)

Jade Plant Jr (currently exiled cause wtf im sick of this brat)

Ok so-- background:

My dad's a gardener, loves greenery. Mother's the same (minus gardener part) ; growing up? you couldnt WALK through our balcony cause it's like a jungle; sooo many plants.

Now, my mother has 3 plants which she's given to me now that i've moved into my new place:

Her Jade Plant (big), Winter Cherry (growing big) and this snotty ass Jade Plant that's been problematic its whole life yet refuses to die (which is amazing but point being its just dramatic)

---

Anyways, i LOVE plant as well but never really paid attention to my mums plants.

----> Introducing my Alocasia Jacklyn:

Chatting up with this guy at work who loves plants and he was showing me and i love greenery so i was like omg!! maybe i should get a plant too. And he said now that i have my own place i HAVE TO.

So I did.

Tip 1: Please DO YOUR RESEARCH before buying, and don't rely on the description and 'requiremnts' on the website, cause omfg.

Bought my little 12 cm Alocasia and she's stunning but I'VE BEEN STRESSING. I check on her like 1000000 times during the day, i know she's SICK OF ME. But the paranoia is so real i live in fear of her dying on me. have had her for a week and i think she looks good but omfg.

But anyways, since i got her now I've gotten the bug so been learning about plants and been taking care of the rest of them and omfg??? how are these plants alive????

Our Winter Cherry is growing STRONG, then next thing i know i find out he's SEVERELY root bound. I spent 3 hours yesterday trying to repot. But seriously, how has that thing survived this long?

Anyways, here's my little thoughts/diary on each plant:

1. Alocasia Jacklyn 🌴 🍃

Bought her off House of Kojo. Came in looking like a million bucks, i mean, the two big leaves are also opposing each other shes a stunner, but then she began to droop and i had a million heart attacks

Repotted her on day two on a special alocasia mix and shes been looking better since

I found what i identified as a thirp?? POTENTIALLY?

I killed it, and havent found anything ever since, but i check every day cause i AM ANXIOUS. Been 3-4 days now of nothing. Still i'll probably be checking daily until im 50

Got Neem Oil which btw -- NOONE could have prepared me of how BAD that shit smells oMFG. GAG.

GOT A NEW LEAF THO! COMING THROUGH! I hpe its healthy

The stems felt a bit soft yesterday but firm today so idk wtf that's about

Has a bit of damage from the shipment but shes beautiful anyways

Has such healthy roots bless her and these cute little... corns? whatever theyre called dont remember now

Repotting was actually so much fun to do i really tooK my time researching about it and doing it right.

I genuinely live with anxiety every day noone understands how freaked out i am ill fail her SHES MY FIRST PLANT BABY 😭

Everyone says you kill your first plant and im already mourning her even though she seems to be doing ok

2. WINTER CHERRY 🍒🌿

I love this plant. It's my mother plant but it's such a charming little thing. And ever since he (dont ask me about genders idk) moved in with me hes been growing so well, we're getting all these new bright green foliage and flowers and then cherries constantly. its insane how much hes grown.

I also once forgot to water him for long (yah i know...) and he dried up then i watered him and he came back to life within 15 minutes like nothing ever happened like hes a TROOPER.

But then, because ive been learning about plants through my Alocasia, i started paying attention to him and noticed his soil was super stiff? then i raised the nursery pot and realised there were roots growing out of the drainage holes and i thought --- not good.

My mother agreed he needs repotting but she kept forgetting to do (my dad would spit on our face honestly if he knew)

So i thought to do it!! Got a new nursery pot, did the soil right then prepared myself to repot him!!!!! ---- And then it took me 3 hours of doing so 🤡🤡🤡

Those roots were ROCK HARD. I was STRESSING. Clumped, honestly horrific. I was frantically googling --- in the end i let them soak on lukearm water, and spend literally hours massaging the roots loose and breaking apart the solidified soil. Honestly hard breaking.

The roots were so healthy though. Only 1 or two that were brown and mushy which i cut off. Then i repotted the baby after i managed to get most of the roots loose. But I am really really worried --- i really worry i stressed the poor thing out

I kid you not if it dies after repotting him and after hes been surviving so well on his own ill cry. I really did my best though! I literally spent HOURS working on that bound ☹️

well see.

3. Winter Cherry JR 🍒👶🏻

This feels like when you're already having kids and it's stressful then you find out you're pregnant again.

SOMEHOW we got a baby? I found a lot of broken down cherries tbh, so clearly it grew from the seeds (rereading this now -- duh??). which is so cool! I worry though (this is a pattern atp).

Idk how to raise a baby. but for now i've repotted it and monitoring it but i don't have the best feeling haaahh

Have him now on a tiny nursery pot (dont have a pic of it). We'll see.

4. Jade and Jade JR 🪴

No pictures here cause i'm not bothering with this.

The Big Jade Plant is thriving on neglect. I water when it needs it, then do nothing and it keeps growing bigger and bigger.

Honestly, i am TOO stressed to be concerned.

Meanwhile, Jade jR?? That thing is SICKLY. A pale green. I raised it to my mother, and she said that's how he's always been since he was a baby. Yet he keeps growing. Honestly i can't worry too much atp, so i let him be. I'll keep an eye out though.

Anyways, idk. I love plants. I am not giving up!!!!!!! I am not joking when i say i am stressed, but at the same time i really care about these plants.

My Alocasia HATES me i though i know she groans when she sees me squat over her for the 2380238th time of the day.

But we'll see!! I'd love to get more plants, but ill def be more careful and get something easier perhaps. sigh.

If anyone has tips btw, pls share. im begging.

[fleastinger]

Fucking christ, i think i need to move on. I keep clinging to the thought of you whenever a crisis happens. I miss talking to you even though its a fantasy at this point and not a risk id want to take. Or just looking at you, hearing from you, even though i dont want to risk the growth and happiness ive had for the last few months. Its maddening. Its evidence of how codependent i was on you, of obsessively looking at you the way you looked at me. I was constantly checking too, always knowing what you were doing and if you watched something or thought of me. I was always trying to meet you on it.

I started blue lock finally. After trying and failing to start the manga 3 times. I think ive watched probably 30 or 49 different once piece episodes, trying to think about who was your favorite and all the things you liked about one piece. I

I keep reading between too many lines just looking at your soundcloud. Its driving me crazy. I feel like you're doing it too. I never know if you repost songs intentionally, to reach me, as if you watch me change my icon every few weeks. You used to ask me to stay quiet whenever you'd play certain songs in the car, just vibing to them and hoping i would understand how you felt about things through them.

I've never been so hot potato with my soundcloud. I got too nosy. When i noticed you unblocked me on instagram, i unblocked you on soundcloud. I missed your message, and it's been hell ever since. And funny, since i was told starting antidepressants would stop me from fixtating on you.

Inever know whatever traces ive left of myself that you see or not. I really tried to wipe myself off of twitter.

Im sorry. I cant trade the amount i miss you with the peace and healing I've had in the months since. I think you're better off without me, that you would resent me for making you hope for me even though ive dated people between us getting together each time. I think i can't be with you until you fix your health and your life, something my therapist calls us codependent trauma on each other.

I havent dreamed of you in a while. But whenever life gets tough, whenever shit gets too real, i think about the feeling of holding you. The way your hair felt under my fingers, how I'd try to be gentle, knowing how sensitive your scalp was. How it felt to cry into you, hearing you tell me how much you loved me and wanted whats best for me. I miss how you loved, even as i learn to love another. I wish i wasn't so controlling and mean, and you weren't someone i was scared of, someone i wanted badly to be doing better only to see relaspe and break my trust .

You never let me into your drug addiction. If you hid that, you could hide anything from me and i would still love you for it, which made me mad.

So when i think of your sweet lips, and the happiness you made me feel, i remind myself of the day you took those muscle relaxers. How i cried and begged for you to get help. How i kept changing what i wanted because i started to believe less and less on if things could work out. How i left, just to go home, cry , and spend a week in bed mad over you.

When i think of the future we couldve had, with our beautiful babies with curly hair and long lashes, maybe freckles and definitely brown hair, I remind myself of the past we did have. Of you feeling like i abandoned you, and always thinking i would leave.

So im sorry. I hope you moved on from me. I hope you liked that song because you met someone that made you listen to mariya takeuchi instead of my birth month being in september. I hope your emojis on your profile page is for someone else, not me. And i hope you forgot my twitter name being fleastinger, that you never find this page of my sorry ass trying to get over you.

[dragonfruitsoup]

im sorry you're struggling. these are redundant, things you might already know or have been said already, but man! they have got me through some rough times and sometimes you just need someone to repeat what you already know just to drive it home.

1) shower. or if showering is Too Much that day, wash your face/hair/feet. pick something easy and just scrub down with a washcloth or something. it is ridiculously life changing the difference just feeling clean can make, even if it feels really stupid to say that. shower and change clothes. do not spend more than 24 hours in the same clothes. sitting in your own sweat and sadness can feel like a physical anchor. 11/10 do not recommend.

2) hydrate. doesn't have to be water. plain water sucks, everyone knows that. as long as it's not alcohol or sea water, you're good. dont let anyone harp on you about how 'only plain water hydrates you'. nah. ignore them. you know what you'll drink. worry about making sure its in reach instead. become a beverage goblin and have six drinks on your desk at a time. set a little reminder on your phone or download one of those little tracker apps. there's one that has you water a plant for each glass you drink. some days that is the only reason i remember to consistently consume a liquid. you are the plant. dont forget to water it. doesn't have to be 64 oz total, doesn't have to be every hour on the hour. just a simple 'oh shoot, i've been awake three hours and i still havent drank anything, lemme get on that'. drink the cocoa, drink the soda, drink the overly sweet coffee milkshake thing. whatever puts fluid in your body.

3) related, but eat something. don't have the energy to make food? cool. neither do i most days. buying prepared food is okay. there's no shame in buying frozen dinners or premade meals at the store if it's actually helping you eat. wont have the energy to do things if you physically dont have the means of making energy. a car cannot run if it has no gas, remember that. have all the fixings & stuff to make a sandwich, but don't feel like ACTUALLY making the sandwich itself? cool. life hack : you can just eat the sandwich in pieces. take bite of cheese, take bite of bread. bam. you fed yourself. i'm proud of you. wanna make soup because you can eat it over several days and you've got the Energy right now to do it, but looking at all those veggies and knowing you have to cut them seems daunting? a lot of stores sell precut veggies. usually in packs specifically for soups. 300% no shame in buying precut things. i dont usually have the mental energy to cook a chicken breast and cut up all the things for a salad. but i can pop some frozen chicken tenders in the oven and open a bag of salad mix and call it a day. these things are there to help you. take advantage of them.

4) slow and steady wins the race. sometimes i get frustrated because it feels very patronizing to tell myself to work smaller, when i feel like i should be able to just Do the Thing. but! sometimes that's what you gotta do and there is NO shame in that. need to clean the bathroom but that feels too big? start easy. wipe down the counter. take out the trash. or just put the trash by the door. clear up just one space. even if it's just piling all the clothes from the floor into a basket. physically seeing a clean space can help, even if it feels like tricking your brain. sometimes its just easier to feel productive if something already feels done. even if it's something really really small. clothes picked up? nice. put away socks. just socks. that's it. good job! go take a drink break, eat a chewy bar, and then come back in an hour or whatever and put away tank tops, just tank tops. keep that momentum if you can and if you cant, that's okay.

5) get some sunlight. oh my gooooooood, it feels so goofy to say that but legit, you are the plant. five minutes of fresh air and sun DO, in fact, make a difference. absurd, but true. take some vitamins, get a sun lamp if you're not in a space where you can get consistent sun. but our bodies are a hodgepodge of chemicals and never seem to work right and so sometimes you just gotta help it out.

6) forgive yourself. easily the hardest one, but damn, definitely the most important. sometimes you just Can't. you gotta roll with that. you're not a bad person because you can't get your brain and body on the same page. there are so many people out there that feel the same as you. that struggle with doing a load of laundry or buying new sheets. i spent 4 months without sheets on my bed because i had washed them but didnt have it in me to put them back on the bed. i get it. so does my roommate. so do a dozen other people in just my life alone. they're here on the internet and they're there in your town and they are everywhere, like dandelions. i promise you. it's been said before but seriously, treat yourself like a separate person. a person, a child, a pet. whatever helps you. think of how you speak to yourself when you're struggling. are you gonna talk like that to another person? no? then why would you say it to yourself? would you look at someone struggling and tell them to get their shit together and then just walk away? no? then dont do it to yourself. be patient. be forgiving. be kind.

7) ask for help. yeah, ask for help physically with things. have a loved one come over and help you meal prep for the week so you dont have to try and do mental gymnastics just to feed yourself every day. have someone on the phone with you while you fold clothes or go with you to the store so it's not as lonely picking out body wash and you can maybe grab a fancy coffee/snack since you're already out. but also? just coming online like this and asking for advice because you want to take care of yourself? reaffirming that no, you're not alone in this? genius. look at you. taking care of yourself already. proud of you.

the fact that you want to take care of yourself means the world. don't forget that. it's easy to lose that in the weight of it all. but wanting to take care of yourself is going to make it easier to actually take care of yourself. even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Do you guys have any tips on how to take care of yourself and your environment when you’re kind of at a low point where you have no energy to do anything...pls help

[risingsunresistance]

[fappellmoan]

abelia, daffodil, camellia, jasmine, nutmeg, 3, 12, 21, 37, 49 go crazy

tehehe let's go

abelia ⇢ do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with?

i want to be that bitch but i hate having things touching me when they don't have to be. closest i got was a necklace i had on for several months but i snapped it over spring break :/ ig hopefully when i get a piercing i'll have that at least!

daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them?

yes i do! i have two older siblings. i've always been told i'm very similar to my brother, which i find sweet and heartbreaking cause he was in college before i was even like. conscious. i looked up to him so hard though so it makes sense. i have a similar like physicality to him too. i think we're all u know. a product of our upbringing. my brother has always been an artsy dude, always more of a radical thinker and funny and i've modeled my music taste after him for a large part of my life. he's a little more of a stiff now having like a family and a job but he is a freelancer so that's cool lol. my sister is hardcore like. she's disney adult not in an I can't forgive you way but it becomes a bit much very quickly. she and her husband are very Capitalism. she's also very much more likely to side with my dad on things or at least vouch for his perspective. so i think there's always been a bit more of a tough barrier between us. but i've still hung out with her and her husband a lot in the last several years

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

mm. i dont know that we wanna get into this <3 im the same im different every little girl i've ever been lives inside me idk who she was at the time idk if i know who she always was but we're all here and also i've changed so much in a year alone but i have a lot of the same um problems lol idk

jasmine ⇢ do you have a movie or book you loved but will never watch/read again?

i don't have a good answer for this other than i still havent rewatched dead poets society since november 2019.

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on?

UGH um just once i would like to have a genuinely homey feeling room but something still feels off. i have some posters and i got lights but it still feels like. cold. idk!

3. do you leave the window open at night?

not rn but you know who does! peeta <3 during summer i like to yeah unless it's way too humid or something

12. what kind of day is it?

i was on a shoot today for someone's short film and it was really fun! i love working in film i love the crews i've worked with. i stepped in this GIANT puddle and my foot got so so so cold but luckily it was a moderately warm day out. otherwise im very tired and lacking motivation but um <3 we stay silly

21. something you’ve kept since childhood?

i have cards from when i was really little and a lot of notebooks and papers from like middle school containing plenty of bad fanfiction and notes passed between my friends and random written rps

37. someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

this one friend of mine who's like insane like i've almost cut her off several times. but we just don't talk a lot. and two of my other friends who are twins and are literally always a piece of my heart though it's been so long since we've really talked

49. can you skip rocks?

i used to be pretty okay at it as a kid now... idk i might flop <3 i'd still try though. sometimes i just liked to throw bigger rocks to see a splash

[hella1975]

Any tips for my first year at uni next year?

omg that's so exciting!!!!! i'll try help as much as possible but remember all uni experiences are different so my word is not gospel lmao <3

so because it's april you havent had your results yet right? (im assuming ur british bc ur asking me and u called it uni). so for starters - uni acceptances. i got rejected from THREE out of FIVE of my choices and it was literally my fault bc i genuinely filled out my ucas application wrong (i went to a really shitty college that just left us out to dry with EVERYTHING so im v bitter but oh well), and it was super super disheartening. especially bc my firm choice AND the one i would have put as my insurance were both part of the ones that rejected me. i really remember being out at my mates drinking in her garden (covid times too it was fucking FREEZING) when i got one of my emails from ucas, and i went to her bathroom to call my mum bc i was just so upset and WORRIED about it all. but you know what? it always works out, which brings me to my next point

THE SYSTEM IS DESIGNED TO ALWAYS WORK OUT! IT IS VERY FUCKING HARD TO FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS! THE GOVERNMENT WANT UNI GRADUATES! clearing is a godsend and no matter how arrogant your peers might act, you'll probs notice the MAJORITY of people wind up going through clearing. it's very very normal and it might seem scary on the day, but you will wind up getting in somewhere. i was lucky in that i wound up putting another of my options as my insurance and they gave me an unconditional offer, but almost everyone im friends with all came through clearing, and you know what? if i had the choice, i would pick the uni im at as my firm. life really has a way of working out sometimes and i genuinely love my life at uni. you will almost always get in somewhere, and even if it's not even in your top 3, you might find yourself loving it regardless. more comfortingly (or at least i found it that way) is that love it or hate it, this whole process being fucking MESSY is very very very normal

as for your actual results day, leading on from what i said, everything has a way of working out. im not someone who cries often and my family know that, but results day i was a fucking wreck. i didn't sleep at all the night before even though i knew for a fact that the grades wouldn't be up until 9am, and when i did get my grades back, they weren't at all what i wanted. the combination of my shit college and covid really fucked me over and my grades were not representative of me as a student at all. my results day was such a shambles that by lunchtime i still didn't even know what SUBJECT id be doing, let alone where id be doing it. my mum said she's literally never seen me that upset. and looking back, i would never have said to myself that i was worrying too much bc past me WOULD have clocked me in the face, but i was definitely worrying too much. i didnt even have to go through clearing in the end, and even if i had, id have been in the same boat as literally THOUSANDS of other people. i really hope your results day goes smoothly and you get the grades you want/need, but if it doesnt, just know that you're part of the majority and that the system is designed more towards this last minute aspect than it is towards the few that go through smoothly. just resign yourself to a long day of phone calls lmao. by the end of that day the uni operators literally RECOGNISED me. do you know how hard that is when they're receiving dozens of calls from all over the uk every minute?

as for actual uni!!! the biggest part of uni for a lot of people is the social life. i've literally seen it make or break people's experiences. i would like to start this by saying sometimes people do truly get unlucky. they dont find like-minded people simply bc there aren't any nearby. that aspect of uni is literally pure luck and im only telling you that to be honest, not to scare you. it's important to go into this new life knowing exactly what it has in store. loneliness is HUGE at uni and i wish id known more about it before i went, but ill talk about that in a sec. back to the social life, you HAVE to put yourself out there. maybe you're naturally extroverted which will help, but if you hate talking to people/putting in effort bc it makes you anxious/uncomfortable, then know this aspect of uni might be really difficult for you. those first few weeks are CRUCIAL (but not the end of the world mind) because EVERYONE is in the exact same boat. if you just remember that every single person there no matter how confident is just as terrified as you of not making friends, then you'll be fine. and when i said 'put yourself out there' i dont mean going out on the lash every single night (though freshers is fucking brutal if u do decide to join in), i mean little things. talk to your flatmates, make sure you get added to groupchats, dont hide in your room. i feel awful saying 'socialise even if it makes you uncomfortable' but ive just seen so many introverts who WISH they'd suffered a little more in those first few weeks if it just meant they'd be more involved, bc teenagers are still dumb. it's a lotttt better than at secondary and college, but teens are teens, and they're not gonna care what your reasons for avoidance are, they're just gonna see you avoiding them

the first few weeks are INTENSE. sometimes it's a good intense and personally it was the most fun id ever had at the time, but it also can be super overwhelming. one thing ive heard said quite a lot about uni is that the highs are SO much higher than being at home, but the lows are also a lot lower. ive never been happier and more comfortable in my life than i am at uni, but when i have bad days, it's honestly been the worst ive ever felt. im telling you this not to be like 'avoid mental illness' lmao, and more bc like i said earlier; before i came, i wasn't aware of the loneliness of uni or the scariness of its enormity, i just thought i was a baby who couldnt hack it. but people started talking and i looked online and low and behold, it's a universal thing. so dont beat yourself up if you get homesick or if the Big Uni Dream you had in mind doesn't always match up to what it ought to be

the first few weeks also are not the be all and end all. the flatmate i dont like that im now in a precarious friendship with (?) has been through MULTIPLE friendship groups and joined her latest only a few weeks ago, MONTHS into the year. things change and nothing is set in stone. if you feel you haven't made friends during freshers, then it isn't the end of the world

befriending your flatmates IS helpful, but it's not a sign of failure if you dont. i have nine other flatmates so personally i dont think i was EVER gonna get on with all of them, but im also not incredibly close with any of them, and they're not the actual group of friends i hang out with. it worried me at first, bc my sister (who's two years above me) got on SUPER well with her flatmates, and there's obvs the whole tradition of just getting ur second year house with ur first year flatmates. but honestly? it's really not a big deal lmfao. just dont fall out with them even if you hateeeee them (unless they do something that seriously warrants it) bc it's not worth it and remember you have to see them REGULARLY and ive seen shit get very very petty for some people

on the other end of that, flatcest is not just a haha funny joke. it is a HORRENDOUS idea. dont even think about it

try make friends on your course! even if you feel like you have a set group you're content with and you dont need anyone else OR if you dont want to make friends bc you're just there to do your lectures, it is still SUPER helpful from both a social and an academic standpoint. i genuinely would not be passing first year without my econ friends, and they also widen my social circle and get me invited to cool things i wouldnt normally know about (bc the thing with coursemates is that they're typically from other accoms whereas hanging with ur flatmates/people nearby means you're always in the same circles). it just makes things more fun, but i seriously cannot exaggerate the academic benefit either. dont be cocky!

give yourself set days to do things. your course might be PACKED and see you out of your flat every single day, but on the more likely chance that you have pretty big gaps and/or days off and/or your attendance is just shit (well in for uk first year grades literally not contributing to the final grade at all), then it's very easy for your mental health to slip bc you dont get out of bed. i LOVE my room, but it's also tiny and even a fucking palace would drive you mental if you were there day in day out. when my mental health got really bad, i had to start scheduling myself just to make sure i left the flat. spoons is on monday. coffee shop day is friday. laundry and food shop is on sunday etc. it might seem stupid but it really helps

idk if this was just me but i saw it happen with my friends too, so just........ be careful with your family relationships. i hope you're really close with your family (if you're not you can ignore this point lol) and i am too, but uni reallyyyy strains that relationship no matter how close you are. for me, things really got tense between me and my mum, and im not trying to scare you so i will admit we had some problems before i left, but just to repeat UNI STRAINS HOMETOWN RELATIONSHIPS. be that family or friends, if you want to keep what you have with them, MAKE SURE YOU KEEP PUTTING EFFORT IN

have fun! work hard! uni isn't supposed to be a bad, terrifying thing. i love it so so so much AND im doing a course i hate so that's really saying something. it's the best decision i could have made and i dont regret anything, even when it all went wrong trying to get here lmao. it's truly the independence i needed to flourish and the little life ive made for myself makes me genuinely so so happy to the point ive caught myself walking past my kitchen or through the accoms or to my friend's coffee shop and smiling like 'wow, that's mine. this is mine'. it's such a cool feeling to know that, after your entire life has been spent determined by the input of like parents and siblings and shit, you can finally just fucking do what you want

good luck anonstie, im rooting for you!

[kirazdaha]

HAHAHAHA Every Turk Family has one of those names and unironically mine does too 🫡 Tell your mother thank you she is a very lovely lady

I know all of the artists you listed below because my dad blasts them on the radio everytime we go out... I call it old people music but hey I never said it was bad, they're awesome and I might have memorised some of the artist's songs from how much I listen to them... Barış Manço is a classic without a doubt! Fun fact my parents were able to go to his concert and got a signed picture with him I will always envy how lucky they were 😭 I love how women in the industry made the most iconic songs I hear them often in weddings too! Or clubs, even though I only went to one once I'm not very fond of them...

My questions were do you have any tips or inspiration with how you draw! I love your art and artstyle and it's honestly what I've been trying to achieve for a while, I can't believe I'm learning how to draw men because of a silly lawyer show it's a disease...

(We are just having a conversation at this point) (I feel like those people who speak out loud in public) (I hope you and anyone who's reading this is having a good day :) be kind to yourself and others everyone)

OH MY GOD i envy them too😭😭 also omg that sounds like heaven to me. the other day i went out partying and i felt sooo out of place because i only knew like 3 songs. omg it was so so bad.

hmmm tips and inspiration…. my number 1 tip would definitely be to look at a lot of other artists you like and analyze what exactly you like. and then try to emulate that in your own work. i try to look for inspiration everywhere - artists online, traditional artists, old masters, 3d artists, even theatre and poetry, etc. - doesnt mean that i am equally inspired by them all (because all these things at once sound so scary and big but they really arent!) but rather, i try to be open for anything and that helps me find inspiration :) 

ill try to explain my thoughts more under the cut because this got long:

for me for example, so far i only posted some art i made that was lined (which, i would say makes up maybe half of the art i draw - i mostly sketch and recently have been building up the courage to paint more) and one of my inspirations is meltow. i think if you go over and check out their art youll definitely see it lol. but also i love the clean look some comics have and my friends tell me my art looks like it belongs in a comic which, i guess yeah :) when it comes to colors and composition i LOVE this artists works. i still have a lot to learn and just looking at their works inspires me so much!!!

i will say i have ALWAYS struggled with lineart. its probably the worst thing in the world to me because it never feels right!!! i like lining on paper with harsh inks and stiff ink nibs that allow for like. very little variety in line weight, but i havent done that in over 3 years (i hope i can get back to that). but yes, something about lineart makes me feel so icky when i use any brush that reacts to the pressure you put on your tablet LOL i just hate it. ugh. i havent been able to work it out.

it was only in 2020 i think that i decided to try it out with a thick brush with some texture and no pen pressure. that probably was the first time i got actual lineart that (at the time) i liked done. and then later on, discovering that other artists are able to achieve beautiful drawings with similar brushes AND that lining with a very simple brush can feel so satisfying helped me evolve a lot! until 2022, i actually wasnt able to give my art the kind of finished look that i wanted. so what people consider my style is really just born out of my limits and working with them. that obviously doesnt mean that i dont try to challenge myself as much as i can. i do and i think everyone should! thats what makes art so fun

if theres any good advice i can give to a beginner itd probaaaaably be. okay this is difficult and i feel like im not really qualified for this. as a hobbyist much less so because a lot of the knowledge and skills i acquired was through an intuitive process (i could never stick with habits such as regular studies or warmups or whatever is meant to be good for you) which definitely isnt the most “productive” way but i mean it doesnt have to be. its just a hobby! you dont have to perfect art. but yes, i would definitely say dont stop drawing. youll always be your harshest critic and at the beginning, and especially if you begin at an older age because youve been training your eye your whole life but your drawing skills for only a relatively short time you will notice a lot of mistakes. and youll think you wont achieve the image you have in your head. and maybe you wont (because youll always strive for more and youll never really be satisfied as an artist bla bla) for a while. but you have to keep drawing! try out different strategies, find out how other artists draw, watch speedpaints, try out different papers and pencils, try everything that makes it more fun and keep going! it will all pay off!! 

in my eyes theres also no point in saying “i should wait till im better to draw this idea i have” because if inspiration strikes you you should use that. even though i still sometimes catch myself thinking like that. you can always redraw things later on!! if theres anything that will keep you drawing you should use that! like getting into shows and games that make me want to draw helps a ton LOL people are not joking when they say getting obsessed with one character is the quickest way to improve. i 100% agree!!! if you saw my first nachos you wouldnt even recognize him. not kidding wow this got long. thank you for the questions though!! i hope some of my rambling can help you. feel free to talk to me whenever!

[kittydcoxx]

Stay with Me.

KAEYA X READER.

Warnings: light angst/heartbreak but nothing bad (happy ending)

The tavern was as crowded as usual, and by that meaning almost completely baren for a rainy Wednesday afternoon. As you order a apple cider from Charles, the tavern door bell rings and you instinctively turn to check.

"Ah~ it is pouring out, I need a drink to combat the dissapointment of getting my fur cape wet."

Kaeya. Of course he wasnt the last person you'd expect to see open the tavern doors, he just wasnt much of a "afternoon delight" type drinker. Still, you stare as he tries to cooly swipe off the wet rain from his uniform as he walks towards the counter and takes a seat next to you.

"Well, well! Good afternoon y/n! What a suprise to see a beauty such as yourself here at this hour."

He raises an eyebrow and smirks as he turns to look straight ahead and run his fingers through his hair, not allowing time for you to respond before he has a drink in his hand.

"Afternoon Captain,"

You face him and smirk with the same intensity of flirty-ness as he just had.

"Of course you would be surprised to see me at this hour, you usually drink yourself to sleep before i order a evening drink."

You chuckle and look straight ahead and take a swig of your beverage, the confidence of your little witty come back replays as the cider burns your throat.

"Oh ho, well thats quite the attitude! I must ask, whats the purpose of this?"

"Hmm?"

"The occasion? I've never seen you drink three days in a row, I've been sober enough to pay attention to that."

The truth is, the last few days you've been at a bit of a crossroads. You know you and the Cavalry Captain share feelings, but you have a job offer in Natlan. This job is a dream to you, ever since you were a child. You could never dream of passing this opportunity, but you question if this possible romance could be the first significant one. You've been meaning to bring it up to him, but recently you just havent seen enough of him to bring up the subject. As a result, you turned to the more than occassional drink at the tavern to brighten your mood from the decision that faces you.

"Well then if you're interested, it actually... might concern you."

Your face is flushed red due to nerves, of course it doesnt directly concern him since nothing astronomical has occured in order to absolutely weigh your decision based on a man, but you didnt want to leave without warning.

"I see, well, we haven't..." His cheeks grow the slightest bit red as his eyes skip to look around then back at you.

"we haven't progressed to that yet, have we? I mean, you're not pregnant are you?"

"What?!" You're taken aback by the direct-ness of his statement, about the fact that he thought it could even have been a possibility. Was it confirming your suspicions of him returning feelings? "No, i- its not that! That is out of the question completely!" You yelp as you shake your hands as a frantic meaning of saying "Absolutely no way".

"Of course! of course.. i just figured i'd ask in case, but i guess drinking for a few days regularly isnt particularly healthy for a baby."

You roll your eyes and take another swig. Oh boy.

"It's actually more of an advice thing, i suppose."

"Ah~ well! lets discuss then, hm!" He happily takes a sip of his wine, his face surprisingly relieved.

"So? What do you need the great Master Kaeya's guidance on?" He smiles and giggles slightly.

"Actually, I'd like to take this outside."

"But its raining cats and-"

"Outside. please."

Your tone picks up more aggresively and he gets the memo. He takes one more sip of his beverage and you do the same with yours. You pay Charles and meet Kaeya right at the door.

"Get ready for the rain, sweetheart"

Your heart jumps as he grabs your wrist and swings open the door, pulling you with him down the street, stopping at a small archway behind a building, big enough to comfortably converse without being cramped or drenched.

"Now, where were we?"

"right.. well.." You look down and fidget with your thumbs, only to look back up at him and see him gazing into your eyes, examining your soul and what felt like your heart. Did he already know? It sure felt like it.

"I have a big decision to make, but i want to ask you before i come to a concrete decision."

He nods as a sign to continue talking, acknkowledging his position in helping you decide.

"I might have to move away. To natlan more specifically. I've recieved a dream~ job offer that i simply cant refuse, unless i was faced with new circumstances here in Mondstadt."

"Hm, And how do i play a role in this?" He asks as he folds his arms and leans back against the stone wall.

You explain to him his part, and he lets you talk until you are completely finished. you tell him your feelings, your worries, your doubts, and your hopes. Every single one that included him in the package. He looks at you sternly the whole time, but he looks hurt at the same time and you wonder why.

"Well, i honestly dont know what to say to this y/n. You know i cant leave Mondstadt if we were to persue eachother."

"I know."

"Then why bother telling me? Why not just leave, hm? Before damage could be done? before you told me all this, confirmed my hopes in our relationship but crushed it with the fact that you 'might' leave? You should have just spared me and left!"

He looks emotional and teary eyed, much more that you're used to seeing from a man who held such a cool composure 24/7. Have you hurt him that much? Does he hate you?

"I can always stay if you wan-"

"No. Its your dream job, and you shouldnt pass it off. I just cant promise that i'll wait for you."

He steps closer to you, inches from your face. His breath is warm and it contrasts with the cold rainy air. He slowly takes your hand and hold it in his, then lands a soft passionate kiss onto your lips. A few seconds of the kiss pass and he breaks for air and looks at you, making strong magnetic eye contact with you.

"Y/n, I can't wait for you."

"You dont have to. I can stay."

He runs his hands up your arms and grips firmly onto your shoulders and kisses you again, and when he pulls back he lets out a heavy sigh.

"There's no staying, just be safe. Please."

Your throat swells like a rock is stuck and your eyes burn hot along with your ears. You cant muster any words, you just stand there maintaining a sorrow eye contact for a few seconds.

As you both stare in silence, he slowly lets go of you, and as soon as his hands depart from yours, he turns and walks out and into the road. The further he walks and fades from your vision, the further you slide down the wall until your behind hits the wet floor as you curl up to your knees. Hard, Hot tears stream steadily down your cheeks as you hide your head in your knees, sobbing hard yet silently. Your heart aches and your stomach churns.

You want to run and look for him, grab him by the waist and embrace him in a hug from behind as you cry against his back, but he has already erased you from his plethora of memories as he sulks in his room with a drink. The night is weary and so are you. You walk home, replaying the scene in your mind over and over, and the instant you step into your home, you fall to your knees and sob once more.

You dont even close the door behind you. You cant do anything but cry, you had no idea you felt so strongly for Kaeya, but you had to put it all behind you.

He probably had.

What feels like an hour or two goes by and you barely made it to the couch, where you lay sprawled out, half on the couch and half not as you stare into empty space, thinking of nothing but everything at once. Why did his mood snap so quickly? Why did he cut you off? Was it self defense? What could he gain by pushing you away? You had no clue, but you didn't want to dwell on it and start crying again, so you just lay there trying to fall asleep.

Suddenly, a warm, slender hand grazes your back and rubs up and down softly.

"I'm sorry."

You jolt a little, but you dont get up immediately.

"How long have you been like this? Its almost night again y/n. Have you gotten up at all!? Your door was wide open, I was worried."

No response from you as you try to analyze the voice. It sounds like Kaeya, but you had remind yourself that he wanted nothing to do with you.

The man sighs and walks away. A hallucination for sure, you thought. The male comes back and lifts you by the shoulders. He sits on the couch and then lays your head onto his lap.

You look up and are met with blue eyes, one scarred and one as normal as you're used to seeing on him, though both glossy as if about to cry.

"Kaeya?"

"Mhm. Sit up Darling, you need to drink water."

You obey and sit close beside him, sipping the water he hands you with both hands on the glass like a child. He puts his arm around you and his hand on your head and gives you a soft yet quite long kiss on the head as you finish your water.

"Im sorry. We can work something out. I know that i shouldn't.. I can't push you away."

You dont fight his embrace as it gets firmer, and his body trembles slightly as if he is crying.

"Do you want me to stay?" you ask sheepishly.

"My dear, its up to you what you want. I'll follow you in whatever you decide. Im choosing to persue you, the rest is yours to seal."

"I want to stay." you state calmly.

"As you wish." He eyes your empty glass of water and gets up to pour you some more. When he comes back you sit against him again, and drink the glass empty, then put the glass on the coffee table and lay your head on his lap.  

"Sleepy?"

"Mhm.."

He chuckles and holds you as you fall asleep, giving you tender kisses all over your face. When you fall asleep, he carries you bridal style upstairs to your room and tucks you into your bed. For a moment he stands there and ponders leaving you to rest, but the guilt of the words he said yesterday and seeing your state today convinced him to stay at your side. He walks to the other side of the bed and crawls in beside you, wrapping his arms around your waist and gives you one more peck before falling asleep.

You wake up once in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and when you come back to your room you're awake enough to process the fact that Kaeya was indeed in your bed. You crawl up into where you were in the bed before but this time facing him. You run your fingers along his face, feeling every bone and inch of his smooth skin, his tan beauty enhanced by the glow of the moonlight that peeked in through the window across the room from the bed. Your run your fingers down his hair and admire how his hair falls down his body. You've only been this close to him once, but never had you touched him like this. Your face was red and your smile was definitely pronounced, and as you stroke his cheek his eyes slowly open to see your expression.

"Good morning y/n~" he smiles and wraps his arms around you softly.

"How did you sleep?"

"Actually, its midnight."

"Oh, i see. Well, lets fall back asleep shall we? Or are you wide awake?"

You don't respond immediately but instead wrap your arms around him and hide your face in the crook of his neck.

"Back to sleep.."

He chuckles and brings you closer to his body, rubbing your back and stroking your hair until you both are hazy and about to fall asleep.

"I love you..." you whisper, half aware of what you just said and half not.

He pauses for a second, then gently squeezes your body as if to be his response back.

"I love you too.." he whispers back, his words echo in your mind as you drift to sleep, your dreams filled with nothing but happiness and him. 

You would stay in Mondstadt, but occasionally take trips to Natlan for a few weeks, and would try to take Kaeya with you if he wasn't too busy. The two of you became inseperable, and quite the item for some time, the story of your romance left most who heard it in tears.

After every time you tell the story, he grips your hand and grabs your face softly making you look into his eye.

"I'm glad you stayed."

He says as he pulls you in for a tender kiss, which is usually embarrassing in public but you dont mind in this case, because it was of genuine emotion and not of his flirtatious teasing.

You really do love him.

NOTES!!!!!!!!!!!

This was my first fanfic LMAO