#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...

[deoidesign]

I met the me who made different choices

[risingsunresistance]

[cowboybrunch]

writerblr interview tag!

thank you for the tags @tragedycoded (here) @sableglass (here) and @saturnine-saturneight (here) <3 ive been meaning to get to this one for a minute sooo let's get into it

Short stories, novels, or poems?

i started with poetry, so it has a special place in my heart. all of my short stories turn into beasts. is it a cop out answer to say all of the above?

What genre do you prefer reading?

it'd be easier to list what genres i don't like. when i say ill read anything, i mean ill read anything. lately i've been on a sci fi kick (thanks Pierce Brown) but i love a good modern trashy romance as much as the next guy (i read the booktok sludge so you dont have to!) im not really a nonfiction guy but hey, if anyone has some recs, ill give em a shot

Are you a planner or a write as I go kind of person?

def NOT a planner. usually when i start writing i have a vague idea of where we start and where we need to end up, but what happens along the way is a surprise for everyone involved

What music do you listen to while writing?

SILENCE. sometimes white noise. i cant focus with music, brain gets jumbled

Favorite books/movies?

of all time? oh god for books, probably This Is How You Lose the Time War or The Song of Achilles but The Locked Tomb series is def up there. not a novel but i've read Bluets by Maggie Nelson so many times i probably have it memorized by now favorite movie is Zoolander, easy answer. that movie owns. i can watch it on repeat and ill never get sick of it

Any current WIPs?

Dust to Dust is still alive but im taking a bit of a hiatus before hopping into the final bit (tag is here if you wanna see me ramble about it) Felix Wonder is the fun time brain break WIP of choice currently and im working on draft 3 of Burden of the Reluctant Death (we will get to the ending this time. we will)

Create a character description of yourself: 

Elusive, or pretends to be. Too much energy in too small a body. Refuses to sit properly in a chair. Prone to fits of melancholy remedied by sunlight. Easily excitable, but fussy. Same outfit every day: big sweater, little pants, fuzzy socks. Nails bitten bloody but at least her hair is clean (if a bit too long for summer)

Do you like incorporating actual people you know into your writing?

i could say no but that would make me a liar

Are you kill happy with your characters?

i was gonna make a joke but it would be spoilers soo. i write about grief. no way everyone makes it out alive

Coffee or Tea while writing?

coffee. i dont like tea (sorry sorry!)

Slow or fast writer?

im very much a burst writer so. flood or drought, no in between. lately i'd say SLOW but im just waiting for that spark u get me?

If you were in a fantasy world, what would you be?

this really isnt fantasy but i feel like i was destined to be the kind, slightly off-putting maintenance man in a haunted apartment building that says cryptic things like "don't take the east elevator on a full moon" and "the air conditioning has made that noise since the fire in 12B"

Most fav book cliche:

yea there's only one bed and ill eat it up every single time!!! also: "i didnt know where else to go" or basically any overdone romance trope you can think of. im here for it

Least favorite cliche:

if there's a cliche that i dont like, i havent found it yet

Favorite scene to write?

confession scenes of any kind! scenes where the big tough character breaks down. any kind of emotional revelation, positive or negative

Reason for writing?

words in head, need words out of head ok ok fine, serious answer. i feel like writing is both asking and answering the question, "have you felt like this before? has anyone ever felt like this before? am i alone?" and it's proof that you're not the first and only person to ever experience the things you're experiencing. even this made up guy in this pretend world understands rage and despair and joy and grief and love. the source is different but the result is the same. human connection, man. love it and! it's fun. im having fun

tag!!

@knightinbatteredarmor @friendlesscat @tildeathiwillwrite @glassonthewall @illarian-rambling

@mysticstarlightduck @dyrewrites @sarandipitywrites @oliolioxenfreewrites @xenascribbles

[nekomimineurosurgery]

sorry i dont post much lately ive just been having an episode and everything hurts so bad and it's hard to see the good or the future much at all and it's been extra hard because i went through some of the worst trauma in the past year since i was a child except it's so much lonelier and feels like theres not much time left for things to get better and because im literally so scared ( hypervigilant, insecure, etc.) All the time I keep ruining things I love so much. I havent been showing up to my job I liked as much and so I have less money and I keep ruining things between my partner and I even though he is good to me and im so in love with him and I want nothing more than than for things to go back to how they were when he was all over me but I've had so many meltdowns that things just arent the same and I'm so terrified they never will be and that im not even seeing all the good that's still here before he decides im too much. im scared im self sabotaging and im scared im going to get my hopes up, "get better", only for it to be too late. I can see myself being codependent but at the same time I crave intense and devotional romance because it's all I know and it feels good when its hard to find purpose or connection in other places. and here i am already fixating on relationship problems because it's easy and im placing so much importance and therefore pressure on my partner who deserves to rest and know he is stable and safe with me. and i guess it makes me really shameful and serves as a reminder that i might have deserved all the bad stuff that's happened since long ago and that im scared will continue to happen. i havent been able to eat much, sleep much. i feel like im as dissociated as i was as a teen again... it's hard to get out of bed. i used to not be able to find enough time in a day to cook, clean, play games, work. i just cant do almost any of it these days. i feel myself trying to claw out of my skin like my flesh is what is keeping me from living my life again. if you're still reading this - im sorry for the vent. i just havent put my true feelings anywhere lately. im scared, terrified. thoughts in my head all scrambled, and some not even mine. but i breathe, i feel the cool air, the warm air, and my skin and hair feel soft. despite what a monster i feel like i am laughed with and held close every day by people i love. this is all just a horrible storm i need to ride out. it's just frustrating. because i cant control the weather, but i can prepare for it. i just really really suck at preparing

[orchidyoonkook]

personal

Hi, need to scream. Tumblr seems to listen best. can and please feel free to ignore.

okay so essentially my job has removed all of the things I use and need in order to be able to do my job with my mental disorder. my mental DISABILTY. that i was honest with them and told them about at my freaking trial shift. that i told them i needed certain things in order to do well. nothing drastic. but things that helped me significantly with my performace.

SOOOOOOOOO i am now severely struggling at my job because they've taken those away cuz they were 'annoying' or 'in the way' or 'clutter'. like. im not even leaving shit every where. It's like, maybe at most 3 sticky notes? (for example) and they're written just for me, like just so i can have a list of things i can do and know to go back and look on when i need a task because ive finished the one i was doing. but then my boss reads them and critiques them as if they're for everyone. or says 'okay yeah but we do that every day so i dont see why you have to write it down. you should know to do it by now' LIKE BRO. I forget to put deodorant on some days because of said mental disability. it's something i do and have done every day since i was 12 or 13. thats 12 years. and i still forget some days just cuz my brain wasn't working properly.

AND now due to this they have put me, one of the staff currently with more seniority than 3 other staff, down to one shift a week, while every one else is full time or heavily part time.

In march i was full time and kicking ass, I was the fastest employee on my tasks, i was doing great, the customers loved me and now that all of my things that i need in order to function have been removed for everyone else's aesthetic preferences, I'm suffering, and most likely being silently fired.

like... what do i do with that. I can do my job, with my accomadations - that arent that many btw - i dont expect them to move mountains for me. But dude. I hate this feeling so much because i'm capable, theyve seen me be capable. i was for 1.5 years. like i want to be good at my job. I like and enjoy being good at my job. i've told them that. I want to do good but my ability to be good is being derailed, and i just get told to try harder, just work harder, impress your boss with how hard you work -> for minimum wage, i might add.

and everyone is like "just get a new job, just apply for more jobs you're not applying for enough, literally just apply for everything, even if youre not qualified" and i cant just do that, due to said disability. there are jobs i am unable to do. so i have to be a lil picky otherwise i'll be right back where i am now. and ive been looking for months and applying for months with no luck - no one ever responds. why list jobs if you dont respond?????

it's getting to the point where im debating opening up drawing commissions or writing commissions, or something that i can make to earn a little extra cash here and there while i get over this transition period. And that's a big deal for me because i don't do commissions. I do my art for myself or for when i want to share something i've made already, like the UTWT books. Hell, I did a tattoo design for a friend on here that i put easily 40 hours into, and i felt guilty that they wanted to pay me for it because i'd asked them for the idea. Like, i don't do commissions. so for me to be considering it is really telling for me.

anyways. this is a bajillion words long now, but i already feel better. and I'm posting it in the middle of the night in hopes that the void just consumes it and never lets it see the light of day.

If you read this, thanks and sorry for the bummer of a post. This isnt a pity party or a poor yoon thing. I'm not looking for comfort or any of that. this is a 'i don't have a therapist and my friends and partner and family are sick of hearing me bitch, when i havent been able to fix it in months despite trying my best too' thing. so yeah..

i hope the new year brings me something good.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Hello there 🙏🫶 I just want to share this rn with you..... 💌 Recently i have developed a crush on a girl. She is so wonderful and we talk every day & i feel so giddy LOL. I don't even know her face😭 I am so unsure over alot of things & it is both mortifying & exhilarating to experience .. & thats the fun if it..omg.. recently i feel like so many friends are having crushes i wonde r your thoughts on this..

also i forgot how to flirt entirely so i dnt even know if its noticeable to her at all that im interested that way since i havent been bold enough LOL any advice on signaling this to her is appreciated i feel like13 again likeso clumsy LOL its so exciting too omg wishing you a beautiful day when u reaD this i hope it;s fine to send this to u i know u like your inbox used as a confessional but i'm still shy HAHA

🙏🌞🫶🫧🌈

AWWW💞💞💞 happy for u Anon :]....Ues it seems lately many people have been finding new love, i noticed it too the past few weeks :o I've only had that feeling a handful of times over my life, its a special one cus it can be quite fleeting depending on how fast things move, treasure it🌟 altho W/ me and slimbo it lasted ages so by the end of it when we finally confessed love i was FRIED from haveing butterflies in my stomach for so long lol i was losing my marbles over it. anywyas--

Honeslty im BAD at flirting like. i have noooo idea how to make a move , slimbo n i both tried to keep it .pokerface. for years because we're like, i dont even know, we're stupid we were almost enemies for a while. there was a timespan where we were SOOOO competitive and whenever we tried to play games we'd fight so much and i'd end up crying LMAO im laugjing so hard typing this cus we're not even like that now. Like as soon as we got together we became the ultimate harmonious team of considerate affectionate lovers but the courting phase was such a trainwreck lmao. i love it like its beautiful it all worked out, but yeah i suck at flirting i am swagless in that position🧎‍♀️

Altho when it's irl i definitely at least try to Thot it Up, concoct minxy outfits , move in a charming way, one of my most successful tactics has been attempting to orchestrate accidental voyeuristic scenarios for them to catch in their peripherals lol. but you have to be reeeeally subtle to pull that one off ;] i guess mostly i just try to talk to them a lot !! and be thouggtful. send telepathic uncondtional love. SHOW THEM SONGS!!!!!!! if its an internet thing, maybe u can watch movies or youtube videos together. be inquisitive and ask her lots of questions ^_^ one thing that always drew me to slimbo is how curious they are and their #intellect.. But everyones different so just feel it out day by day thru communication💓💓💓

hhope that helpes in some way.. its ok to feel giddy and clumsy im sure ur crush just wants to get to know the most authentic -you- so dont stress too much about specifics ^u^ Enjoy your weekend love ~ ~ ~ P.M.d.9

[coolcoelacanth]

i've been so fucking sad about my ex recently and i feel like a crazy person. it's deadass been 1 year since we last saw each other but it's all just hitting me right now. i was relieved for the first few months after we ended things, then i was sad, then i was doing just fine, now all of a sudden i have been fucking miserable about it for the past month. i really wish i could take my brain out of my head and run it under cold water. i feel like im short circuiting. ive just been overall depressed then ill randomly burst into tears about it for like 30 minutes. i've only been one one date since we ended things, and im starting to feel like ill never find someone i love like that again. he didn't treat me right, and i deserve better, but damn did we work together so well. if he hadn't been an idiot things could've worked out really well. now im back to square one, with all these people i genuinely have no interest in. and im pretty sure he started seeing someone shortly after we ended things and theyre still together. so i just feel even worse, like did all of that really mean that little to him? and why does he get to move on and have a happy ending? i feel like nothing is ever fair bro, i give my heart and soul to this shit and i get the short end of the stick every time. and i really, truly, deeply trusted him. i really really did. i dont know how to get over this horrible feeling of betrayal. it burns a hole in my stomach. it doesnt feel real. i dont want any of it to be real. its all just some kind of sick joke. and i keep playing back all the memories of all the things he did that hurt me, so im just hurting myself over and over again and just crying about it all. my brain is truly putting me thru my own personal hell, for why? who fucking knows. maybe bc i havent had a day off since august and im finally having a nervous breakdown, so my brain is just throwing everything its got at me. and i literally spent 8 hours studying today, then im working 8 hrs tmrw and studying afterward for my exam on monday. but it doesn't end there, it all just repeats on an endless cycle until my semester ends in december. i only have this semester and next semester left until i will only be doing rotations, but jesus christ if this doesnt kill me. and i used to have a reprieve on the weekends when my ex would come over for three days and we would just LOL and eat good food and i really felt like i could completely let all my walls down. now i never get to let my walls down because i dont trust anyone to be myself around. so im just constantly holding everything in all the time until i finally explode one day. this is literally so long but if you made it this far, im literally at my breaking point. and i dont even have time to have a break down, i get to cry about my life for a couple hours a day then i just keep going and going and going like a fucking lunatic. somebody please put me out of my misery for fucks sake

[thirdmagic]

ah, yes... i dont know if it is people we share on our following list and I am not even sure if i was mutuals with them or if they unfollowed at some point before this but there were a few people, from fate fandom, people that i at least have been following for years and years, who put some stuff on my dash on the day of october 7th that. well. i jumped ship pretty much instantly because it sure was something to see after being woken by sirens and spending most of my day running between my apartment door and the bomb shelter and then seeing what was happening on the news. but yeah i havent seen a lot of it, like two-three people but i also know just enough of tumblr fate fandom to know how insular it is that i can pretty much extrapolate what must be going on in other blogs and what you must have seen. so i clearly ran away right on time lol

i don't even know if they've even forgotten some of these parts so much as they never learned about them or never knew. or maybe they haven't forgotten but need their specific easy narrative and to project their own familiar political issues on it so badly that they willingly remain ignorant. i also think there's just such an issue where the only antisemitism that registers as such in many people's minds really is just the shoah and the idea of a jew as a tragic victim of the shoah is the only one they can work with, so they just compartmentalize that from any kind of currently living, breathing, existing jewish person who is not so easily perfect-victim-ized.

but honestly, i think none of us here realized how bad it was too. i had a feeling something like this would happen one day eventually inevitably but it seemed to me like the next moment of devastation had to be way more far off and also that people would obviously do at least the bare minimum of caring and acknowledging that it's bad that it happened and to at least be a little compassionate because that's normal to expect, right. again, not a high bar, surely, right. and well. you know how that worked out.

and to you both: thank you for your kind words and your compassion and understanding. i am pretty much as safe as i can be, there has been rockets and attacks in the areas around where i live and smaller individual instances within it but nowhere near the scale of what's been going on elsewhere. emotionally i've had a few very rough days and very, very low points this past week, i won't lie, especially since i've spent the first week just kinda absorbed in following the news, but i'm doing much better than i used to and figuring out ways to deal with it and to cope, i've had a lot of people willing to listen and talk to, and i managed to find community in several different places to bond around this and work through it together

and you know for all the awfulness and all the ways people have been horrible about it online and elsewhere there's also been a lot of goodness, many, many people reached out to me personally in support, and i treasure and appreciate every single bit and every single effort you can make. and honestly it's especially valuable coming from gentiles and in general everyone who isnt affected or involved, i understand the risk it carries for you all to go against the grain and how much easier it would be to just go long with the narrative that refuses to listen and understand. so again, thank you. this stuff kinda helps me get through the day, even if it's just thoughts, words, or reblogs, it is still valuable to me and others.

[ainelane]

Tw. Depression, suicide

I'm not really looking for comments or anyone to even actually see this post. It's more here to scream into the void and get some of these thoughts out of my head and i am hoping that clears some this sudden clutter.

I was at work today listening to random video essays on youtube when. The essayist began talking about their experience with depression. It's not an unusual experience with it or even anything particularly special but, It sorta just resonated with me and i realized that hadn't really been here... like in reality for a while now. I've been going through motions and living like a robot just doing things. Going to work going home and sleeping maybe every so often I'd come up and be in a moment or two play games with friends or realize i havent been eating and cook breakfast. But for the most part ive just been on a sorta autopilot. I thought. "Its almost like I'm not living at all. I'm just a shell with something piloting it 6 days of the week." Then i had the random thought. "I want to die" it was so intrusive and sudden but it's just in my head now i feel almost like im on an edge and i just want a way out either to just slip back out of my body or fucking die. I dont get it i work hard, i have an okay paying job i found things i enjoy doing but i still feel so fucking empty and sad now and i think I've onlt made it this far because ive been so dissociated with my own life for i dont even know how long that realizing it feels like ive just pushed myself over an edge i cant recover from. I think i need to call some friends. Maybe take a few weeks off work idk what I'm going to do

[therosevest]

abelia, daffodil, camellia, jasmine, nutmeg, 3, 12, 21, 37, 49 go crazy

tehehe let's go

abelia ⇢ do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with?

i want to be that bitch but i hate having things touching me when they don't have to be. closest i got was a necklace i had on for several months but i snapped it over spring break :/ ig hopefully when i get a piercing i'll have that at least!

daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them?

yes i do! i have two older siblings. i've always been told i'm very similar to my brother, which i find sweet and heartbreaking cause he was in college before i was even like. conscious. i looked up to him so hard though so it makes sense. i have a similar like physicality to him too. i think we're all u know. a product of our upbringing. my brother has always been an artsy dude, always more of a radical thinker and funny and i've modeled my music taste after him for a large part of my life. he's a little more of a stiff now having like a family and a job but he is a freelancer so that's cool lol. my sister is hardcore like. she's disney adult not in an I can't forgive you way but it becomes a bit much very quickly. she and her husband are very Capitalism. she's also very much more likely to side with my dad on things or at least vouch for his perspective. so i think there's always been a bit more of a tough barrier between us. but i've still hung out with her and her husband a lot in the last several years

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

mm. i dont know that we wanna get into this <3 im the same im different every little girl i've ever been lives inside me idk who she was at the time idk if i know who she always was but we're all here and also i've changed so much in a year alone but i have a lot of the same um problems lol idk

jasmine ⇢ do you have a movie or book you loved but will never watch/read again?

i don't have a good answer for this other than i still havent rewatched dead poets society since november 2019.

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on?

UGH um just once i would like to have a genuinely homey feeling room but something still feels off. i have some posters and i got lights but it still feels like. cold. idk!

3. do you leave the window open at night?

not rn but you know who does! peeta <3 during summer i like to yeah unless it's way too humid or something

12. what kind of day is it?

i was on a shoot today for someone's short film and it was really fun! i love working in film i love the crews i've worked with. i stepped in this GIANT puddle and my foot got so so so cold but luckily it was a moderately warm day out. otherwise im very tired and lacking motivation but um <3 we stay silly

21. something you’ve kept since childhood?

i have cards from when i was really little and a lot of notebooks and papers from like middle school containing plenty of bad fanfiction and notes passed between my friends and random written rps

37. someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

this one friend of mine who's like insane like i've almost cut her off several times. but we just don't talk a lot. and two of my other friends who are twins and are literally always a piece of my heart though it's been so long since we've really talked

49. can you skip rocks?

i used to be pretty okay at it as a kid now... idk i might flop <3 i'd still try though. sometimes i just liked to throw bigger rocks to see a splash

[kirazdaha]

HAHAHAHA Every Turk Family has one of those names and unironically mine does too 🫡 Tell your mother thank you she is a very lovely lady

I know all of the artists you listed below because my dad blasts them on the radio everytime we go out... I call it old people music but hey I never said it was bad, they're awesome and I might have memorised some of the artist's songs from how much I listen to them... Barış Manço is a classic without a doubt! Fun fact my parents were able to go to his concert and got a signed picture with him I will always envy how lucky they were 😭 I love how women in the industry made the most iconic songs I hear them often in weddings too! Or clubs, even though I only went to one once I'm not very fond of them...

My questions were do you have any tips or inspiration with how you draw! I love your art and artstyle and it's honestly what I've been trying to achieve for a while, I can't believe I'm learning how to draw men because of a silly lawyer show it's a disease...

(We are just having a conversation at this point) (I feel like those people who speak out loud in public) (I hope you and anyone who's reading this is having a good day :) be kind to yourself and others everyone)

OH MY GOD i envy them too😭😭 also omg that sounds like heaven to me. the other day i went out partying and i felt sooo out of place because i only knew like 3 songs. omg it was so so bad.

hmmm tips and inspiration…. my number 1 tip would definitely be to look at a lot of other artists you like and analyze what exactly you like. and then try to emulate that in your own work. i try to look for inspiration everywhere - artists online, traditional artists, old masters, 3d artists, even theatre and poetry, etc. - doesnt mean that i am equally inspired by them all (because all these things at once sound so scary and big but they really arent!) but rather, i try to be open for anything and that helps me find inspiration :) 

ill try to explain my thoughts more under the cut because this got long:

for me for example, so far i only posted some art i made that was lined (which, i would say makes up maybe half of the art i draw - i mostly sketch and recently have been building up the courage to paint more) and one of my inspirations is meltow. i think if you go over and check out their art youll definitely see it lol. but also i love the clean look some comics have and my friends tell me my art looks like it belongs in a comic which, i guess yeah :) when it comes to colors and composition i LOVE this artists works. i still have a lot to learn and just looking at their works inspires me so much!!!

i will say i have ALWAYS struggled with lineart. its probably the worst thing in the world to me because it never feels right!!! i like lining on paper with harsh inks and stiff ink nibs that allow for like. very little variety in line weight, but i havent done that in over 3 years (i hope i can get back to that). but yes, something about lineart makes me feel so icky when i use any brush that reacts to the pressure you put on your tablet LOL i just hate it. ugh. i havent been able to work it out.

it was only in 2020 i think that i decided to try it out with a thick brush with some texture and no pen pressure. that probably was the first time i got actual lineart that (at the time) i liked done. and then later on, discovering that other artists are able to achieve beautiful drawings with similar brushes AND that lining with a very simple brush can feel so satisfying helped me evolve a lot! until 2022, i actually wasnt able to give my art the kind of finished look that i wanted. so what people consider my style is really just born out of my limits and working with them. that obviously doesnt mean that i dont try to challenge myself as much as i can. i do and i think everyone should! thats what makes art so fun

if theres any good advice i can give to a beginner itd probaaaaably be. okay this is difficult and i feel like im not really qualified for this. as a hobbyist much less so because a lot of the knowledge and skills i acquired was through an intuitive process (i could never stick with habits such as regular studies or warmups or whatever is meant to be good for you) which definitely isnt the most “productive” way but i mean it doesnt have to be. its just a hobby! you dont have to perfect art. but yes, i would definitely say dont stop drawing. youll always be your harshest critic and at the beginning, and especially if you begin at an older age because youve been training your eye your whole life but your drawing skills for only a relatively short time you will notice a lot of mistakes. and youll think you wont achieve the image you have in your head. and maybe you wont (because youll always strive for more and youll never really be satisfied as an artist bla bla) for a while. but you have to keep drawing! try out different strategies, find out how other artists draw, watch speedpaints, try out different papers and pencils, try everything that makes it more fun and keep going! it will all pay off!! 

in my eyes theres also no point in saying “i should wait till im better to draw this idea i have” because if inspiration strikes you you should use that. even though i still sometimes catch myself thinking like that. you can always redraw things later on!! if theres anything that will keep you drawing you should use that! like getting into shows and games that make me want to draw helps a ton LOL people are not joking when they say getting obsessed with one character is the quickest way to improve. i 100% agree!!! if you saw my first nachos you wouldnt even recognize him. not kidding wow this got long. thank you for the questions though!! i hope some of my rambling can help you. feel free to talk to me whenever!

[arlecchno]

lmao the blonde parts are supposed to be teal but i havent had a chance to redye them in foreverr … also yes ! my xiao jacket ! its not the only one out there though LOL

the wall youre seeing is actually my best friend roofs long lost sibling , wall /j

BEFORE 6 !? i could never i always go to bed at like 12am …. im so sleep deprived on school days lol

ME AND THAT FRIEND DID SO MANY SILLY THINGS IN OUR MATH/STEM CLASS LMAO we used to play genshin wish sim (im very young T_T) and say weird things to summon characters (i told the computer id help make kaeya dilucs brother again to get diluc , and BOTH OF THEM CAME HOME IN THE SAME PULL) tbh ive always complained ab stairs so ,,, i cant even take the stairs in my building anymore bc i live on the 9th floor itd take way too long 😭

we have a lot of the same top 5s , kaeya , diluc , and scara share #1 because … yes . my favorite gal is fischl i love her sm -

i have 11 5*s (not including aloy) , and im currently pulling for sir acting grand scribe himself ! im at around late 30 pity , if he does / doesnt come home i will make self ship art because i dont think he would like that >:)

GOOD TO KNOW ITS GOING WELL im actually making notes for a fic i wanna write on call w my previously mentioned friend roof LOL ive had the idea ever since the nilotpala cup event , i really wanted to make like an actual fic based off of it bc that girl from the yae publishing house was supposed to or wtv HAHAH but im procrastinating on a title so im just . UGH - yk ?

i did have a good day both the day you replied and today ! i am injured but its not bad (only hurts when i move certain ways) , i went on a field trip for school today and got to go in a ✨stream✨ and pick up a little crawfish >:D i hope youre doing good as well !! its so nice talking to you lmao youre so cool

i might start sending doodles every ask , so heres a sketch of my genshin oc !!

my “question” issss guess what region theyre from ! or who they live with LOL the hint is that there are already playables from their region , and there are technically two regions theyre from ?? you can guess just one though ill give you the answer next ask :P

- jellyfish

i think it's because i'm already used to waking up early... even tho i'm a very sleep deprived student that sleeps at 12-1 and wakes up at 5 😔 i'm fairly a light sleeper so no matter what time i sleep, whenever my alarm goes off i'm always up by the second 🥲

and LMAOO i've played a ton of those wish sims to prevent myself from rolling whenever i'm saving up for a character, it works wonders

i didn't really expect you to like fischl!!! i like using her in events where we have her as a trial character lol using oz in her burst and flying around is so silly but i always have fun with it!

seems like we're both on the run for alhaitham :D currently have 72 pity and he still has yet to arrive... i do not have a guarantee whatsoever so the next time i pull i'm gonna be praying for him to come home 😔 i've already explored most of the new area for him

and that fic idea sounds interesting! i briefly forgot about that event so when you mentioned it i'm suddenly reminded of how fun playing with the fungi was!! hope you'll find many inspiration for your supposed title, and who knows, next thing you know you're hitting the post button for your fic 🤭

hope you're healing well from your injury also!! have lots of rest and don't overexert yourself too much, resting is very important hehe

it's nice to know that you went on a field trip :O i haven't been to one in a while so hearing it from you reminded me how fun it always is to go on one and escape school (tbf i think we can agree at least half of the students that volunteer on field trips only do it to skip classes LMAO #guilty)

i think if i had to guess, it's a mix between mondstadt and sumeru, maybe? i'm either really wrong or really right since my basic skills of knowledge on each regions' outfits are very minimal 😵‍💫

a question for you; how was your week? tell me all about it!! hehe i honestly like hearing people talk about their day and week because it's undeniably so interesting to know what others have been up to and how different some people's lives can be from ours! hope i'm not rambling too much... i just really like listening to people talk and talk about their life

[fleastinger]

Fucking christ, i think i need to move on. I keep clinging to the thought of you whenever a crisis happens. I miss talking to you even though its a fantasy at this point and not a risk id want to take. Or just looking at you, hearing from you, even though i dont want to risk the growth and happiness ive had for the last few months. Its maddening. Its evidence of how codependent i was on you, of obsessively looking at you the way you looked at me. I was constantly checking too, always knowing what you were doing and if you watched something or thought of me. I was always trying to meet you on it.

I started blue lock finally. After trying and failing to start the manga 3 times. I think ive watched probably 30 or 49 different once piece episodes, trying to think about who was your favorite and all the things you liked about one piece. I

I keep reading between too many lines just looking at your soundcloud. Its driving me crazy. I feel like you're doing it too. I never know if you repost songs intentionally, to reach me, as if you watch me change my icon every few weeks. You used to ask me to stay quiet whenever you'd play certain songs in the car, just vibing to them and hoping i would understand how you felt about things through them.

I've never been so hot potato with my soundcloud. I got too nosy. When i noticed you unblocked me on instagram, i unblocked you on soundcloud. I missed your message, and it's been hell ever since. And funny, since i was told starting antidepressants would stop me from fixtating on you.

Inever know whatever traces ive left of myself that you see or not. I really tried to wipe myself off of twitter.

Im sorry. I cant trade the amount i miss you with the peace and healing I've had in the months since. I think you're better off without me, that you would resent me for making you hope for me even though ive dated people between us getting together each time. I think i can't be with you until you fix your health and your life, something my therapist calls us codependent trauma on each other.

I havent dreamed of you in a while. But whenever life gets tough, whenever shit gets too real, i think about the feeling of holding you. The way your hair felt under my fingers, how I'd try to be gentle, knowing how sensitive your scalp was. How it felt to cry into you, hearing you tell me how much you loved me and wanted whats best for me. I miss how you loved, even as i learn to love another. I wish i wasn't so controlling and mean, and you weren't someone i was scared of, someone i wanted badly to be doing better only to see relaspe and break my trust .

You never let me into your drug addiction. If you hid that, you could hide anything from me and i would still love you for it, which made me mad.

So when i think of your sweet lips, and the happiness you made me feel, i remind myself of the day you took those muscle relaxers. How i cried and begged for you to get help. How i kept changing what i wanted because i started to believe less and less on if things could work out. How i left, just to go home, cry , and spend a week in bed mad over you.

When i think of the future we couldve had, with our beautiful babies with curly hair and long lashes, maybe freckles and definitely brown hair, I remind myself of the past we did have. Of you feeling like i abandoned you, and always thinking i would leave.

So im sorry. I hope you moved on from me. I hope you liked that song because you met someone that made you listen to mariya takeuchi instead of my birth month being in september. I hope your emojis on your profile page is for someone else, not me. And i hope you forgot my twitter name being fleastinger, that you never find this page of my sorry ass trying to get over you.

[funkylittledemon]

autism and emotions is so.... well it fucking sucks is what it is. i need my mind to slow down for a second to get all these thoughts down bc i will explode if i dont get them out there (hence why this post - only bee is gonna see this & knows me enough to be worried for more than an hour or so and if i put this where nobody can see it aint actually out there) (wassup bee dw i am okay)

anyway

i say that life is just getting to me rn and it is but thats too vague a statement. current affairs (an impartial term but a useful one here) are getting to me - I'm trying to navigate adulthood while it feels like the life i was promised is being taken away by whatever event you want to pick; global warming, late-stage capitalism, multiple genocides, the list goes on. and I'm one of the lucky ones!! how fucked up is that! so there's that constant stress hanging above my head.

then there's more abstract life: navigating uni and living alone and looking after myself while forming relationships and starting to try carve a path for myself. this one isn't as bad but still can't be ignored and the fact that interpersonal relationships have become so scrutinised through social media doesn't help. no matter the insecurity you have or your own specific factors there will be someone online telling you your worst fears are right - i cant say how many times ive scrolled past a reel saying that i havent had a message back because "he" doesn't care. does the person saying this even know I've seen it, let alone who i am or who "he" is? No!! but the sentiment sticks with you despite only seeing it for 3 seconds before scrolling on, despite logically knowing it can't apply to me because its a catch-all statement to everyone who feels insecure pushed onto us by an algorithm that thinks we want to hear that. social media is feeding into our fears and insecurities and we can't stop it. as an autistic person whos insecure as fuck and who knows they dont understand a lot of societal cues being told by some random person that im right to be insecure really doesn't help - i get the idea of something stuck in my head and bc i know its bs i try get it out which cements it further into my mind and lends it credence.

then there's uni itself - i am now faced with the realisation that everything leading me up to uni and my course has been about me helping other people, often to my own detriment. i chose a counselling course because i was always the therapist friend, the one who everyone else went to for help. and wouldn't you know it I've been burnt out for years and literally don't have it in me to help strangers, or give a shit about their lives. i cared so much and made my entire life about helping other people that i had no idea what i wanted to do. im switching to just psychology now, because it is interesting and i do enjoy it but im kind of lost now i dont have that purpose. it also scares me just how much of my life hadn't been about me at all and im still not sure who i am if im not helping someone. obviously thats the dramatic version but you get the gist. uni's been a wakeup call i wasn't prepared for and theres the work and exams on top of that

christ this is long. okay. what else was there. emotions. god i hate emotions. this is the hard bit. all my emotions are so so big and i am so so small and it feels like they would devour me whole if they could. anxiety is a big one. recently pretty much all ive been feeling is anxiety - a deep anxiety that makes me nauseous pretty much 24/7. last week on friday i had what i call a breakdown. i still dont understand it (which is scary enough - every other breakdown i can disect and point to the cause). i just sarted screaming in the middle of the street and couldn't stop and its making me anxious just typing this up. then there was a day of panic attack after panic attack (lost count after the 4th i think) and then a few days later and some bad decisions (booze. ik i shouldn't have drank but i thought i was ok to drink) i had another breakdown. i dont remember much of this one but it ended in me being locked out and sobbing - security had to let me in and it must've been bad bc the guy gave me a card with hotlines on it. (again, i am okay). i lost my leather jacket that night which both sucks bc i loved that jacket and also the fact that it's gone is a constant reminder of something im ashamed of. after that it was just this constant nauseating anxiety, occasionally spiralling into something more but not significant enough to include. the thing about me and emotions is that my strategy for dealing with them is to ignore and repress them until they're not my problem anymore. which is bad. but idk how to cope with them healthily and when i feel okay i never know if its because i repressed them again or because i genuinely feel okay. being around other people helps but thats probably not a great thing - i hide my emotions from other people to avoid being a burden. not that its always a bad thing that my friends make me feel better its just not a sustainable approach to constantly avoid being alone. i have this constant struggle of feeling emotions so intensely then feeling shame because of how intensely i felt those emotions or how they made me act.

going on from emotions fucking me over and moving on from Life being an issue anxiety is a fucking bitch. all my life I've felt like an outsider and so constantly nervous about everything. it was hell and then in 6th form i made friends who were so so confident and i finally started to relax a little bit more and not feel bad about taking up space. uni was even better! i had flatmates i loved and i was going out doing things I'd never dreamed of and i was making friends!! i barely recognised myself and i loved it!! then the breakdown happened and i was plunged headfirst back into the old cycle of anxiety and going back to that after feeling what life could be like? that was worse than the breakdown. it feels like ive never felt worse and the knowledge that theres no reason for it, that nothing had actually changed other than me and i could still be out there with confidence but i wasn't was such a crushing feeling it felt like i was never gonna feel okay again. dramatic i know but the truth.

im home for easter break now and typing this out has helped and going back to my old stomping grounds has shown me i have still changed and i do still have the confidence even if i couldn't access it for a hot min. I'm still anxious but thats okay. my emotions don't have an all poweful spell over me and anxiety can suck my dick. there's still the fear that I'll go back to uni and it'll all come rushing back however im just gonna see how this break goes. im gonna be alone whether i like it or not while im down here and if i can manage to be okay with that then I'll be fine. and i do have a support system both here and up at university.

[reality-suckssssss]

I realized I can't remember when was the last time I did my skincare routine.. I can't remember when I did things I like to do. I want to paint but have no motivation and i don't have any ideas on what to paint, I have a baby blanket I have to finish crocheting and I still have not even picked up my needle. I love to draw and dance and sing and all I've done is go to work, sleep and watch videos for wayyy to long on my phone just wasting time because everything else is too much. I can't remember when was the last time I did something genuinely enjoy. Life is so meaningless. I want to return to my old self, I wasn't really happy but I also wasn't this miserable. It's been a long time since I was back on this self destructive wave and I know what pushed me back on it but I can't blame you. Even though loving you hurts its not your fault you don't love me. We can't really help our feelings but you not loving me has brought me back to a place i havent been in for quite some time.. now i can't remember the time I actually had a routine now i eat too much at once or not at all for days, sleep too much or only 2-3 hours a day and I'm lucky if I get a sip of water every 3 days or so.I dont know how to get back to who i was and everyone says you have to learn to love yourself before someone can love you but I don't know how to love myself. Hell I don't even know how to fix myself into who I used to be so how is Anyone ever gonna love me?!

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. archer in training, baseball playing, lady that still has to finish writing her dark fiction lefty eyebag. 😅

I think I'm slowly getting better. I've been having runny nose, coughing, aches in my body, the migraines. I've been taking medicine though, but still feel like crap.

How are you today? Any exciting plans?

Also, from the last last post.. I work at home, answering phone calls. Right now, since the department is new, it's really boring and not getting a lot of customers in. It should pick up soon, hopefully.

Not sure if ube and taro is the same hahaha I just know ube is the purple one.

The Corrs... I haven't heard of them in a long time. I like Lady Antebellum too. What's your favorite song by them?

Do you make new years resolutions?

-CuriousGeorge

Hello hello sickly right eyebag.. thats all i can say compared what u called me.hahaha.

Thats a good news that u r getting better.. n oh no! That doesnt sound good at all..have u got covid test yet?

Im okay.. i woke up with baaaaaad baaad alergy that cough like crazy n even my asthma attacked me n my throat was closing up so i had to hurry up n grab my allergy medicine in the cabinet. It has been a while my asthmatic allergy attaked me. It was because the wind was sooo hard last night, blew in the ashes in thr fireplace n i gues also blew the christmas tree pollen every where in the house.. so we deep clean the house to clean the ashes n pollen.

I dont have any plan for today..just enjoying the day n writing if i can. Was gonna put up the tarp for my archery, so it can catch up the arrows if i miss it but we found that we need extra plank or pole to hang it better so we'll wait until we get one. My target stand wont be here until next week anyway. 😁

Ah okay.. well at least u work from home.. do u like it better to work from home?or u like to work in office better?

How was ur day? N what did u do today?

Ah i see.. i think taro is purple too... im gonna google it.haha.

Yeah The Corrs is pretty old band. Well, remembering our age range is getting up there 😅🤣

I dont know much about Lady Antebellum songs but everytime i enjoy a country song i heard, it turns out to be their song.hahaha.

But there r two of their songs that i really like. "Need You Now" and "Just A Kiss" . I try to not listen to those song anymore because it reminds me of my ex gf. 😅 it was kinda two of our songs together especialy Just A Kiss

No i havent really thought of some resolutions. I know i would reorganize my tumblr,get all my requests done, n maybe write for Florence Pugh n Yelena.. (maybe) 😁

What about u?

Cheerio?