#I dont give a fuck if youre Providing or whatever you are owed nothing from anyone

[robocops-a-christ-allegory]

That era where people talked about masculinity like it was something that could be rehabilitated and like all "being a real man means being a kind person!" type of shit is still so sickening to me. Like yeah lets keep around the framework that leads to men thinking they own their wives and children because some men are niceys about it

[muwur]

could i request an -oikawa-kuroo-suga- headcanons for a partner with autism/adhd? (autism and adhd in girls can be like, real hard to write if you dont have it or know someone who does so its 100% okay to say no wididnejfufhejrr) especially with like, being embarrassed about stimming in front of them or dealing with rejection sensitive dysphoria as a symptom 😗👉👈 thank yooooooooooou i owe u my liyef

haikyuu + s/o with autism/adhd headcanons

✧ hc’s ✧ for oikawa, kuroo, suga & tendou

❧ gn reader

✎ 1.3k words

a/n: i got u b! this is wut im here for, to help u feel a lil represented 😌 also ik u a special fren of mine so hehe here u go (happy birthday soon btw c; ily i hope you enjoy pls feel free to lmk if there’s smth youd like me to change ♡)! aLsO pLEASePLEAseplEASe anyone let me know if there is something I wrote in this that doesn’t sit well with you. as someone who does not have autism/adhd or has had much experience around people who do, i cannot portray it accurately. i do not intend to misrepresent anyone’s experiences. i love and care for you all; the last thing i want to do is hurt or offend anyone. thankfully anon + the internet were great sources for me to try to understand things better. tho that is not to say i can fully comprehend these conditions (cuz i never can unless i experience it myself)

n e ways, u r all loveli n i hope ur having an amazing day <3

just wanna preface that these bois would love anyone for who they are, and would do their best to support you in whatever ways possible <3

oikawa

✧ oikawa had been replying consistently to your messages before suddenly disappearing with no explanation,,,

✧ at first it seemed like nothing, but after several hours and follow up texts from yourself, you couldn’t help but think that maybe he just didn’t want to reply to you

✧ maybe he didn’t even like you anymore

✧ fear that every moment you shared together meant nothing settled in the pit of your stomach

✧ a while later you received a phone call from a very apologetic oikawa, who was explaining that he dropped his phone in the bowl of ramen he was eating and had to go to the store and wait for hours before finally getting a new one and--

✧ “a-are you crying? hey, what’s wrong? i’m sorry i was gone for so long. i’m here now.”

✧ will definitely come over immediately to give you reassuring cuddles

✧ “you mean the world to me. i never want to hurt you, and i never want to leave you, either.”

✧ makes sure to communicate very clearly with you to reassure you what he really means

✧ always reminding you how much he cares about you to reinforce in your head that he’s always going to be there for you

✧ does self-care days with you to destress because life is tough (*cue selfies with face masks and laying in bed for hours with each other’s comforting presence*)

✧ very quick to defend and protect you from people who hurt you. will ask, “excuse me, can i help you?” with a piercing glare that’ll get anyone to back down

✧ gives you constant reassurance about your stimming

✧ helps you interpret social cues and situations, gives you tips on how to handle your interactions with others and in under circumstances (as well as how to remain calm in your own mind)

✧ practices positive self-talk with you because he wants to help you see how great you are

✧ anyone who doesn’t see it is at a loss and is irrelevant, they don’t exist in oikawa’s book 💅

kuroo

✧ always educating himself so he knows how to be helpful

✧ unintentionally embarrassed you once by asking what you were doing when he caught you stimming once (which was when he found out about it)

✧ he was genuinely curious and meant no harm, and he apologized for bringing it up how he did

✧ however, he was glad he asked you so that he could be informed and reassure you that stimming is okay. he understands the importance of it and he’d prefer you have something to help you self-soothe. no judgment here, this is a safe space

✧ takes mental notes on all your favorite stims (verbal, visual, tactile, oral, proprioception, etc)

✧ even discovers new stims for you to try and buys you things to help with them (“here, this is a fidget spinner, y/n” or “you know they make CHEWABLE JEWLERY? they call it CHEWELRY. that’s genius. *typing on phone* what colors do you like, babe?” )

✧ encourages you to talk about your feelings and find additional coping strategies (“let’s try this neat breathing technique i learned about today!”)

✧ saves you from overwhelming situations (ie. pulling you out of a crowd, shutting down really noisy things, giving you space to clear your head and breathe)

✧ ruffles your hair as a sign of affection and calls you cute nicknames

✧ helps you study, make plans, and stay organized. tries to keep things interesting and interactive so you don’t lose interest/find it boring

✧ when you’re having an especially hard time focusing, he’ll pull you aside for a relaxing break like talking a small walk, watching an episode of y’alls favorite show, sharing a snack, playing a game, looking at memes or tik tok, chatting, etc

✧ makes sure to validate your feelings first and acknowledge your concerns before giving you his thoughts

✧ helps you view situations from a different perspective so you don’t assume rejection from others. when there is some form of rejection, he’s there to help you cope with the emotions 

✧ gives you a lot of hugs when you’re feeling dejected and lonely, reminding you he’ll never leave your side 

sugawara

✧ he’s quite perceptive, so when he noticed your unease, he asked you about it

✧ embarrassed but not wanting to lie, especially to suga, you admitted to being afraid of stimming around him and that you had been trying to hold back from it (even if it was hard)

✧ his eyes immediately soften as he tells you that there’s no reason to be embarrassed about it

✧ he just wants you to be yourself and feel comfortable

✧ learns about all of your stims. totally supports and normalizes them (however, if they’re ever self-injurous, he’ll do research and consult expert help to redirect the behavior)

✧ will absolutely take good care of you, he’s not sugamama for no reason

✧ a great listener! always hearing you out when you talk about your passions and interests

✧ wants you to express yourself however you can because he understands communication may not always be easy (reminder that communication and expression aren’t always verbal!)

✧ praises you and hypes you up all the time, going on about how there’s so much about you he loves

✧ has the most soothing voice ever. will whisper you sweet, reassuring words to calm and ease your mind

✧ will even just hum for you. lit rally anything. the suga juke box varies from lullabies to funky fresh songs

✧ very patient and will support you when you feel upset, frustrated, and/or have outbursts

✧ encourages you to talk about your feelings, but never pressures you. shares his own thoughts and feelings to help you open up, asks you thoughtful questions

✧ may be ultimate soft boi but gives anyone the look™ if they even just stare, and goes feral if someone’s ever rude to you in any way, calls them tf out and is #satisfied when he gets them to apologize

✧ also helps you study and be organized! good at creating schedules and encouraging you to stick with them

✧ constantly making sure you eat sufficient meals 😋 and get enough rest 😴 will nag you until you do

tendou

✧ MORE THAN HAPPY TO PROVIDE ALL THE STIMULATION YOU NEED, says it’s an opportunity to give each other mutual attention and bond

✧ but will also provide you an outlet for just relaxing and unwinding

✧ will talk to you for hours and hours about your favorite shows/movies/books

✧ BINGES THEM WITH YOU

✧ always treating you to your favorite snacks/flavors and discovering new things for you to try that will match your taste/texture preferences (only the best for u 😌)

✧ curious about how stims make you feel and asks you to describe those sensations to him  

✧ thinks it’s super cool when you can finish his sentences for him,,, cuz it’s like y’all on the same wavelength (you gellll)

✧ if anyone made you feel bad,,, o boy

✧ tendou would intimidate them to the point he would probably appear in their nightmares ffegjegk this is why you don’t fuck with this man or those who cares about 

✧ king of spontaneity and asks if you’re down to do the most random things

✧ “let’s buy a trampoline”

✧ *2 am* “you down for some fries and dip? and by dip i mean m i l k s h a k e s”

✧ of course he’ll never suggest things he knows you would be uncomfortable with. never puts you in a stressful situation and always makes sure you’re enjoying yourself

✧ invites you everywhere and makes sure you feel included. always by your side!

✧ squeezes your hand whenever he can tell you’re feeling anxious

✧ if you feel anxious about trying new things, he’s there to encourage you! recounts all the positive aspects 

✧ but if you’re really excited to try something, you bet he’ll match your excitement

✧ a very good listener. empathizes a lot with being misunderstood or seen as “different,” and is therefore a major source of comfort

✧ constantly showing you how to be yourself and that you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it, cuz that’s who he fell in love with

[normal-thoughts-official]

Thoughts on rizzy 👀

jdndkdndidndidn ok so if u wanted a rizzy-positive answer...... avert ur eyes

the one thing positive (?) i can say about rizzy is that it really brought us some of the softest raphael moments, but i also lowkey hate that cuz wow, we really got him to talk about his sister, his past, see some of his interests, his softness, his pains, his smiles because of rizzy... so it's all related to rizzy 💀 which is why you might see some gifsets from rizzy scenes in my blog, i think this might have been what brought this on. i enjoy those scenes as scenes that establish raphael's character, but not as rizzy

and shoutout to sh as usual for only bothering with giving a coc depth, backstory, desires and etc when they were someone's love interest and then dropping them like a hot potato. like bro imagine if they had at least bothered with keeping raphael's characterisation consistent? id be over the moon already. if they had actually made him a person like when rizzy was a thing for the whole show on top of that?? fuck i think id explode in happiness

other than that..... i hate everything about it. and like, it being based on addiction aside (which is already, like, bad, but i could maybe ship them in an alternate reality where the addiction wasn't a thing and they were fine if it was only that), the whole thing was literally Izzy Treats Raphael Like Shit And Then Raphael Is Villainized For It

im not even gonna get into the whole "raphael is blamed for the yin fen thing for some fucking reason when that was not his fucking fault and no one questions this" thing because ive done it before and i might explode with rage if i do, lol. that fucking plotline would have never been handled like that if raphael wasn't latino and therefore a predator drug dealer stereotype. but ANYWAY

those are the two things that i see anti rizzy shippers talking about the most, but those are actually not what bothers me the most. what really drives me up the wall and is just vomiting emoji is the way izzy treats raphael. that's the dealbreaker for me and something that never gets acknowledged

like, for starters, raphael was once again shown to be one of the most caring and selfless characters in this piece of shit stupid show, when he saved izzy's life when she was stupid enough to actually go to a vampire den. she had done nothing but be shitty to him and the vampires up to that point, mind you (which some ppl in this fandom treat as like #GirlPower or something) but he still saved her life for no reason other than that was the right thing to do

and then she immediately, the same second, tried to trigger him into drinking her blood. and he kept telling her no and pushing her away and she was literally GRABBING him and slitting her wrist and then he caved, at great personal cost, which she didn't care about

fine

then we get her going after him again, and raphael, again, being the caring and selfless bastard that he is, does something so monumentally kind and dangerous that it still blows me away: he tells her about his addiction

and i know that ppl in this fandom love to act as if every single thing raphael did for the sake of other characters, particularly the shadowhunters and simon, is just, like, expected and no big deal. but raphael didn't owe izzy that. he didn't have to tell izzy that. hell, he didn't even have to save izzy's life when she went to the den, for all he knew it was all a trick or something. and telling her, someone he doesn't even know, a shadowhunter, not only one of his greatest secrets, not only one of his greatest vulnerabilities, but the single hardest and most painful moment of his life, a whole can of worms about his past that he just bared to her just like that, was just. so much. it was such a huge thing that he did for her, okay. and let's not forget that raphael is a private person, both for survival and because he just is

he basically opened up his biggest wound and showed it to her only because it could bring her some sort of comfort. it wouldn't even help her greatly. it wouldn't even change anything about her situation. it would bring just maybe a little bit of comfort and advice, at great personal cost, way greater than the good it would bring her. and he still did it, because raphael cares, especially when he sees someone going through something he went through as well. just so he could tell her that it gets better, that she's not alone. that he understands

and she fucking!! immediately!!!! uses that against him!!!!!! and continues to try to trigger his addiction again and again and again and again!!!! may i just say, WHAT THE FUCK

EVERY SINGLE TIME she tries to get him to drink her blood, it's not consensual, it's forced. he always hesitates, always tries to push her away, always turns his head. and she just pushes him anyway. even after she knows that he's been through this before. that it almost destroyed him. she knows exactly what she's triggering and bringing on, and she! does! it! anyway!!

watching some of the rizzy scenes, particularly the one where they are cooking together, makes me want to cry for him, because it's so obvious that what he's looking for is a deeper connection, someone to trust, to love, and what she's looking for is someone to satisfy her need. and look, i know addiction is terrible. but he's ALSO addicted. and again, i've met plenty of ppl who struggled with addiction, and they were able of, you know, not treating others like this

it drives me crazy! raphael lets her into his home, teaches her how to cook, opens up about the SINGLE SECRET ABOUT HIM THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT EXCEPT FOR MAGNUS, and generally tries to have a good time with her, and not only does she immediately make his attempt at having a meaningful bonding time about him drinking her blood, but does it RIGHT AFTER HE TELLS HER ABOUT HIS SISTER??? it literally goes "here is my deepest most important secret that pains me greatly and is destroying me inside. oh, i said too much. i should have kept my mouth shut" "i'd rather you didn't *slits own wrist and makes him drink her blood*". like, girl, at least a word of comfort first??? a "you can tell me whatever you like"? an "i'm fucking sorry for your loss" maybe???????????? SHE TREATED HIM LIKE AN OBJECT

and also SHOUT THE FUCK OUT to "i didn't take you for a community service kind of guy", which granted is a minor thing to be upset about in the middle of this shitstorm, but still makes me want to rip my hair off. girl!! he's been doing nothing ever since you first met but helping you selflessly and getting only PAIN in return. like is she for real??? he went out of his way SO many times to help her, when he had NO reason to, not a single one. and she's still like "oh wow raphael cares about others?? im shocked" UDBDIDNDKSMSOSNSOSNSISBSUSBDUDBDIDNDIDNDI ARE YOU SERIOUSSSS

it's really such a revealing moment to me because it really shows that she didn't give any thought about everything he'd done for her. all the endless kindness and care, in the literal sense of TAKING CARE OF, that he offered her without a second thought. she never stopped to think about what it cost him. the fact that he didn't OWE IT TO HER, and thus it says something about his CHARACTER, because he CHOSE to help her. over and over and over again!!! AFTER SHE BETRAYED HIM MORE THAN ONCE. it never even crossed her mind! she just took it for granted, like it's what he was supposed to do, or something

and then!!!!!!! even after they go their separate ways!! and raphael is STILL caring for her and making sure she's okay! she decides to betray him one last time and have simon threaten his sister!!! and ill be honest i dont remember the reason for this, but i do remember that it wasn't fucking life and death, so like!!! it was just unnecessarily cruel and shitty of her and the biggest FUCK YOU to him and his trust. AND IT WASN'T NECESSARY AT ALL. like. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and at this point izzy was recovering so it's just like. i get that before that we were literally seeing izzy at her ugliest, she even fought alec and said some shit that she definitely didn't mean at all and that was shitty and hurtful. so like obviously we were seeing izzy in her darkest, worst, most selfish, most hurt. which is why i can maybe cut her some slack for some shit (also i just realized i literally forgot that she straight up THREATENED HIM WITH A KNIFE god there is really So Much To Unpack Here), but at that point? at that point she had no excuse. she was recovering. this didn't even have anything to do with her addiction anyway. she was just proving that raphael's trust, his care, his fucking feelings, they meant nothing to her

like seriously! she could at least have the decency to go, after raphael was very obviously kind and considerate to me, maybe i should not conspire against him and bring forward his most important secret? i don't think i'm asking her for much here

and it also ends a circle of raphael opening up to her and trusting her and she betraying that trust EVERY SINGLE TIME! the literal single only thing he told her that she didn't use against him was his asexuality. which look, thank god, cuz that would have been way too ugly and uncalled for, but the bar is low here

(ok, maybe rizzy gets a shoutout for having raphael's asexuality be treated so naturally. especially coming from such an overtly sexual character like izzy. it was nice to have that. i also think that her whole line about how for the first time sex wasn't a big part of a relationship for her could have been explored in so many interesting ways. like it is obvious that izzy uses her sexuality as a way to gain confidence and prove her value and it would be cool to see that being addressed beyond throwaway lines, maybe talk a bit about hypersexualization of woc. but this is shadowhunters we're talking about so of course nah)

so like okay izzy gets a Not An Aphobe But Still Shitty badge for basically using raphael like he existed to provide her. and in short this is why i can't get into rizzy, not even in a very very alternate reality where it all went different and the way they met had nothing to do with addiction. because she really didn't care enough about him and he deserves so much better than this

and again, i know that izzy was at her damn lowest in that point, but i think that even if she weren't, ultimately their incompatibility still lies there - raphael is too selfless and izzy is not attuned to that. she would take what he offered and not really spare it a thought, even if she didn't mean to like, Use Him (cuz i dont think izzy meant to use him even in canon), like it was just expected. and he wouldn't point that out. and it would be. ugh

and yeah i think that summarizes my thoughts dudndjdn im sorry for the angry very long rant, i just started talking and it all was pouring out suddenly. i promise im not mad, i just...... have strong feelings about this whole thing

[tinyanimelover]

Twisted Fates

Part Five

(Part One ; Other parts here)

"How was school?" A voice startled Grimmjow as he stepped into the house he'd live in during high school. "T-the fuck?!" He stammered out, eyes widening once he realized who it was. He'd almost forgotten that he shared a house with like five other guys in high school since he couldn't afford to rent by himself. "S...Shawlong?". "Why do you look so surprised to see me?" Shawlong asked with a raised eyebrow as he disappeared into the kitchen "I live here too, if you've forgotten". "I fucking know that.." Grimmjow grumbled, remembering how they all split up once Grimmjow finished high school, later he found out they all were either killed or dead from some sort of freak accident. Shawlong, Edrad, Yylfordt, Di Roy and Nakeem. “The others are still at work” Shawlong explained “I was just about to leave for work”. He felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him, "I'm going to bed". He didn't wait for Shawlong to respond, climbing the stairs and heading straight for his room. How weird was this? He was back in his old room, it was still a mess. Just like he remembered. His clothes were strewn all over the floor, bed sheets messy, his desk was cluttered with papers and stuff that he’d never turned in to class. He grinned unconsciously, "...damn, I missed this fucking room".

"The hell man" Tsu grunted "You're so late". "Got caught up with the teacher" Grimmjow lied, "Kept nagging me about a math tutor". "Ahh" Matsuo drawled "Sensei said something about how I need a history tutor too". "And a life tutor while you're at it" Ryu quipped "Before you showed up, Matsuo was all over one of the girls here..up until her boyfriend showed up. He ran and hid behind Ueno". "Haah?!" Matsu scowled "I could've taken him on! But he was threatening to call his friends and shit! I wasn't up for that bullshit!". "Whatever, let's go" Grimmjow let out as he walked past them "I'm starving". "There's a ramen place down the street, s'pposed to be real good" Ueno proposed "And there's discounts for students". "Oho~! Let's go there! I spent all my allowance on a game the other day, Ryu~ do you mind paying for me?". "Hell no" the teen said with a straight face "You still owe me from the last time I lent you money". "You do ask him for money a lot. Ueno nodded his head "Get a job like the rest of us". Grimmjow looked at the pavement as they walked, the sun shining down with its warmth. He remembered these days so well, he had decided against a part-time job since he didn't want to go the extra mile. But this was a second chance for him, he wanted to do things differently. Would having a part-time job affect the future? "Oi, Grimmjow" Ueno called "The ramen place is down this street". "Right.." He let out, turning back around. There's no way having a job now would affect his future, it was so minimal and provided money. As the sun went down, they parted ways and he found himself watching the three as they walked away from him. He'd taken these days for granted when he was a teenager, he wondered if they were all really friends or just liked hanging out with each other. He sighed softly, turning around and heading home. He thought back on the girl, wondering if it had been too soon for him to try and get close to her. But if he had no idea when he was going to be sent back, the he needed to find out her killer as soon as possible! She said she had a few friends in the class next door, was one of them her killer? Isamu said she met her killer in high school, so he needed to find out when she met those friends.

So focused. She was so focused as her lips moved with each word she let slip from them. It was so hard for him to see her this way, after seeing her die literally just a week ago. She felt different now though, more...secluded? Was that the word? He couldn't quite formulate the word, but she was way different than when she was his neighbor. As his neighbor, she seemed more airy and free. Was she like this before? He'd never noticed since he wasn't trying to pay attention to her back then. But now, it bugged him a bit. "...are you listening, Grimmjow-kun?" Her soft voice cut through his thoughts. He blinked a few times, eyes glued to her own "...Yeah, fine..". He looked away with a yawn, "This is boring". "..it's only been half an hour since we started studying" she laughed, leaning back in the chair "I guess we can take a break if you want". He yawned again, leaning back and staring out of the window. What now? He still had to find her killer. But how? Her friends, there was no way either of then could've killed her. So who? "You..seem to be lost in thought lately" she voiced, eyes lowered to her hands "Are you okay?". "..that sounded creepy" he sighed "What? You've been watching me". Her cheeks grew red, "N-no! It's just that..you seem different since the other day when you helped me clean the classroom...the Grimmjow-kun I know, doesn't care about anyone but himself and his friends..". His eyes widened, looking over at her "..was that an insult?". She bowed, "No..just something everyone knows...". "..whatever..a person can change if he wants" he drawled "If I want to fucking be nice then I will, nothing to it". "...or you need something" she brought up "Is that why you've been nice to me?". He groaned, layijg his head down "You're fucking impossible, I swear...just let me be nice, can you do that? Or do you want me to be rude again?". "...you're rude anyways" she pointed out "Just now you insulted me". He lifted his head, leaning against his palm "Anyways....can I ask you something?". "Sure" she smiled, allowing him to continue. "You said you have friends in the next class right? Who are they?". She blinked a few times before realization graced her mind "Oh...you're asking because you want to know about Mina-chan, right?...everyone always asks me about her". She gathered her things, smile still on her lips yet she couldn't hide her disappointment "Mina-chan just broke up with her boyfriend so she's free..if she likes you of course". Now he was confused, "Who the fuck is Mina? Why are you leaving?". She looked at him with slightly wide eyes, "...you..don't know who Mina-chan is?". He shook his head. "Why would I? Sit down, don't get your panties in a bunch". She puffed her red cheeks out, embarrassed as she sat back down "..dont say that, its mean". "Whatever" he sighed, "Anyways, so you do have friends..". "Why would that matter to you?" She asked. "It doesnt" he leaned back in the chair "I was just wondering...". She had friends, which one of them was going to kill her in the future? And why? "..just because I'm bored as hell and don't have anything else to do....do your friends bully people? Are they mean, I guess is what I'm asking". She laughed, "Bully? Mean? Grimmjow-kun, you're describing your own group!". He glared lightly at her, "Just fucking answer! And why do you keep adding -kun at the end of my name?". He knew very well why, her confession popped back into his mind as he looked away, scratching the back of his head. If he wanted to save her, he needed to be completely focused. He couldn't have her still being in love with him. "Just call me Grimmjow.." he let out. "..r-right..sorry...." she smiled, looking back down at her books "And to answer your question: no. I only have two friends, Mina-chan and Emi-chan. Mina-chan is more popular with the guys while Emi-chan is like me, quiet and shy..". "Just two friends?" He repeated softly as he threw his head back gently. Two friends. There was no way a girl killed her, so when exactly does she meet her killer? "...I dont have the energy to spend on a whole group of friends..so I'm happy with the two that I have" she pointed out "You have a lot of energy to give, thats why you have so many friends, right?". He raised an eyebrow, sitting up straight again "I dont have a lot of friends" he corrected "I just have the three". "Hmm.." she nodded "Do you wish you had more friends?". "Why would I want more morons to follow me around?" He chuckled, "Its fucking annoying sometimes". She smiled, "...ya know..this side of you is nice to see". His laugh faded into a light frown, "Whatever....is that is for the tutoring?". She nodded, "Y-yeah I guess. We'll meet up once a week if that's okay with you". He got up from the chair "...how about a few times a week?". She looked up at him, "..s-sure! If thats what you want..I dont mind!". "Great, see ya tomorrow then" he waved as he walked off.

[shametheshadow]

It's been a while. A lot of shit's been going on since I was last kinda active. Sorry, I dont remember how to hide this under a read more line... feel free to scroll past if you arent in the mood for existential whinging. I got a new job and it's pleasant. The people are nice. It's still food, but it's at a fancy restaurant where the management actually cares and tries to keep their crew happy. The hours could be better and I'm currently sick of salads with how many I've made. They give hours based on reliability and if you're a hard worker who is nice to work with. But like... everybody is nice and hard working so it's hard to just muscle in sometimes. But on the positive side I've dropped ten pounds, probably thanks to how light my wallet is. Had an issue with my little brother. Well, there's been an unspoken issue for years that I've been trying to just give him space on, but it finally came to a head. I called him out and he said some pretty hurtful things. I saw him on Christmas, but it wasnt the same. I think it kind of damaged something between us, or at the very least it certainly has me. I think, as people, we build these pillars of absolute truths into our identities. The things we know without a doubt, that we can rely on to stay true even when things are bad. Like, that the sky is blue or that a parent we have will always love us. When those truths are shaken they really make you wonder what else could be wrong or if there was ever any truth in it to begin with. For me, no matter how bad I felt or hated myself, I knew I could be a good sister. I'd throw myself down for it. I have done so, unfortunately, many times before. We all see the world a little differently, so my truth may not be the truth someone else sees. I dont know whether that makes it any better, but I certainly feel unsure about more things now than I used to. Some days I even feel like giving up on our relationship. I'm just too tired, too worn down, and I don't think I can handle being called a failure again. Which sucks, because I dont really want to. I just want to know how to fix it, even though I'm not sure I have any more energy to try again if it's just going to lead to another failure. And on top of all of that my bio dad and all those siblings are tasting the bitter consequences of their actions. My youngest sister got taken away from her parents because instead of breaking up and being adults about it they have to be petty and cowardly. One has unchecked anger issues mixed with plenty of excuses and the other thinks she's owed some sort of respect despite her immature actions. Thing is, I've had plenty of talks with my bio dad about the effects their toxic relationship have on his 6 year old daughter. He knows. He isnt stupid or blind. He'd just rather keep it going despite everyone's unhappiness and dig a deeper hole so he doesn't have to risk losing custody of his daughter if they break up. And here we are now. With his daughter taken away and given to our 21 year old sister who doesn't have a clue. And they've failed to regain custody once already. And you know the fucking hilariously tragic part of it? Me and my sister Des are the only two without some sort of record so nobody else in the family can help. Just a fucking warning for any teens out there who think being a gangster is cool, life always has consequence. Doing drugs, selling pills, pimping, stealing cars, assault, having unregistered weapons... my family has probably done just about anything. Apparently my bio dad's stepfather even threatened to shoot my grandma once. There's an argument to made about the environment they all grew up in, but I really wish people would just have the self awareness to realize that things will always find a way to bite you in the ass and it's it big enough then it'll get the people around you too. I normally get my sister on weekends, but I need to work Saturdays as a requirement for my employment. I try to cut it short so I can be there when they drop her off, but half the time they dont and send her somewhere she isnt supposed to go. I'm risking my job trying to be there when I'm needed, just for them to change their mind at the last second because I wasnt home soon enough. They'd rather risk losing our sister to the system by breaking the rules. CPS doesn't play around. I've had to tell them two or three times that I couldn't take our sister because I was sick or dealing with some really stressful family stuff that Koral didnt need to be there to see. Every time I feel like the punishment is that they stop letting me see her by not bringing her over anymore. Then out of the blue they call on a weekday and ask if I can take her because she has a day off or something. I have never once said no but every time it sends me into an anxiety attack because I can't handle being kept in the dark until they need me. It's got me so worked up that sometimes I genuinely wish I had never been told my dad wasnt my real dad. Of course, I know that by knowing I can help a little girl who needs help, but I wont lie and say that I never wished I didn't have time deal with any of it. I got the news today that my bio dad is in trouble for something else, though they wouldn't say what. So they arent going to give him custody until that's settled at the very least. Shortly into it my sister had asked me to take over the guardianship. I was so out of the loop that I thought the question was absurd. I thought they'd pull it together and get her back in a short time, so what would the point of moving her to another town and school be? How would I go about that? What would the home requirements be? Would I be able to provide for the both of us? I wouldn't be able to leave work until 4 at the earliest shift, so would after school stuff be best or daycare? There's so much that goes into taking care of a kid to just spring that question onto someone. Now it's been four or five months and I'm hating the idea that she's stuck there in the middle of it all more and more. People keep telling me I should take her. Even my manager after I broke down and told him everything after my sister's call left me a mess at work, said that I would be the better option. I know what it's like to be fought over in custody battles and I understand way too well the fear of being taken away from your home as well as what it's like to change schools. I dont want that for Koral. I dont even know if I would be the better option. I talked to my cousin, whom I live with, about it for a while last night and she said she wouldn't be opposed to having Koral with us... but I feel bad making this her issue too. I want what is best for my sister. She's way too smart. You know when unqualified pet owners get a dog breed that is really smart and they struggle to meet the needs to keep it entertained so it just makes trouble? That is what my sister is like. My family has their strengths, but Koral is 6 and could run circles both physically and mentally around them. It might be "funny" now, but Lansing itself is a shitty influence on people and by the time she's a teenager and wants to go to a party, nothing is going to keep her from getting out short of bars on the windows and doors. The only thing stopping her from doing it now is motive. But would I do any better? I genuinely dont know. I wish I could talk to my brother about it. He knows where I come from and, even if he thinks I failed, he could at least tell me how to be better so I dont fuck up again for a little girl who is in a situation similar to one we were in. I asked Des today if she wanted to talk to their case worker about transfering guardianship. She said she's have to talk to her dad... which is bullshit. He lost the right to dictate where Koral goes when he fucked up. How is he supposed to be motivated to fix this if the only thing that has changed is that she doesn't sleep in her bedroom anymore? He shouldn't see her when he wants to or be able to say what happens to her. And I dont say that because I think he shouldn't ever be able to, because I want him to step it up, I just feel like he wont if things keep going as they are. I dont want to lose my sister to the system. Supposedly the social worker said that Koral also has to stay in the same school and can't see anyone not on the already approved list of people for the sake of consistency... but that's stupid. I know that changing schools can be traumatizing, and if Lansing was a good place to live and raise a kid, then maybe I'd try to make that work, but it isnt. So it makes me wonder that if I came to the table with a clearly stable, appealing plan would they change their minds? If it were my choice, I'd have her in therapy to help deal with everything, maybe a sport like gymnastics or whatever else she might be interested in to keep her engaged. I'm planning a kids d&d session for her and another kiddo that she plays with when she's here because last time she found my monster manual and got obsessed. And I know it wont be all good. She's a handful and a brat, and she can be a force of nature when she doesn't get her way, but I've been an older sister since I was five and my family didnt out up with bratty behavior. I know how to deal with it, and I also know how to use the internet and other resources to learn. Hell, I live with a child therapist/youth minister. I know I could do it. Even if it ended up being a permanent thing. I'm torn between the fear of not being enough at the expense of my sister's wellbeing and knowing that I'd gladly twist myself into a pretzel to try and do right. But when it comes to other people, especially a kid, is trying enough? Good intentions don't equal a quality of living. So yeah, that's where I am right now. Trying to be better and figure out who I am while also being incredibly stressed out and lost. If you read through this, thank you for listening to this TED talk. I'm open to advice.

[asklynden]

My dad is abusing me part 4

I can’t hardly believe what’s happened in recent events. My dad phoned me, so naturally I pretended to not be here and did not asnwer. He then sent me a txt message asking me to come over so I could sort out my suit. A suit for what? He’d decided I was going to his wedding as an usher. Didn’t even ask first. And he knows I have speaking problems so, an usher? Is he senile already??

Anyway I told him no, I told my sister too who was nosey enough to ask. I told me sis I couldnt go because I am an alcoholic. I’m not, but it felt like a good reason. I couldnt do that with my dad, giving him something to lecture me about? No thanks. So I just said I’d considered it and it wouldn’t work out.

Then my youngest bro who lives with my dad begins chatting with me. We talk and he’s doing well. The wedding comes up and we talk about it. I eventually bring up some issues I have, like how my partner is never invited, which kinda seems like there’s some prejudice going on. Apparantly my dad is just dum and thought my partner was just “a friend”. It doesn’t help that it’s not easy to explain my relationship with them. But we’re family without a doubt, and I love the heck out of them. But that’s enough about that, this post is meant to be about bad people, so back to my dad...

He started to seem less bad, and more stupid as things went along. Eventually the main topic came up. My dad owes me £3000. He’s got spending problems, so even though he has a very good job, he never has any money. I am the opposite of him in so many ways. I’d get money in a card from my grandparents to spend on what I want for my birthday and such. I never spent that money. I saved it. I was a very boring child. I then got a job at an Amazon warehouse. And yes it’s as bad as the rumors say. But not the first week. That first week they make it so easy that it’s actually fun. Then they make it harder and harder until it’s not doable anymore... Yeah you can just look up other people’s stories on that. It was hell. And deserves it’s own post. My dad is only relevant to the day I got fired.

That story, to keep it short went like this: I called in sick, because, I was sick. At about noon I got up out of bed to have something to eat and drink, and felt a bit better. My dad sees me and forces me into the car and drives me to my workplace. I don’t have a choice. I get in and walk right into my boss. I have never forgotten the look he gave me. “So you think you can just come and go when you want do you?” he asked me. What kind of person calls in sick and then shows up late instead? It looked to him like I just didn’t want to go in so early. It was because of that moment that my scanner never got upgraded like everyone elses did. I was told not to worry about the extra training session. I didn’t realise how clear it was at the time that this was the moment they decided to fire me. They gave me only a week after that day i think to keep working, all the while talking bad about my performance and how I needed to improve or else.

Sorry for that detour, but my dad got me fired from that job. And he’s never once helped me get a job before or since. But I had earned myself a nice amount of cash over these years. I earned a nice sum. My dad had many moments where he struggled. But I knew he was a bad spending since he bankrupt us back when he was living with my mum. It was cars that did it.

I don’t think he ever asked me for money. Instead it was just an “I’m sorry”. Naturally I said “I can lend you some money”. I don’t know if i fell for the bait, or if he really didn’t expect this. But I lent him money, and he promised he would pay me back. He was very grateful and aksed that I not tell anyone about this, since he’d feel so ashamed to have to borrow from his son. So, I kept it secret.

As time went on more things happened. His car had troubles and needed to be fixed, so I lent more. He couldnt pay the phone bill, so I lent more. He needed eggs for dinner, so I went out and paid for them. With the food I was always the one he sent to go buy it, and I’d often pay for it too, but he was meant to pay me back whatever it ended up being afterwords. I wrote this amount down, and I didn’t mind if a few were forgotten or he didn’t have the money at the time. I just kept the recipt for next time. These began to build up really badly. And before I knew it, he owed me over £3000. He never paid any of it back. Not until I moved out and tried to get him to.

So after I did leave, something I got no help with from him, because... Well I did it in secret. I saw a chance to get away from him and took it. Thank GOD I did. I was deeply depressed and my dad was against me taking anti-depressants. I was already on some, but had been calling them sleeping tablets to stop him from getting angry. Technically, they do make you drowsy, so it wasn’t quite a lie. But they did nothing for my depression. Which was at it’s breaking point. I moved out to a place only 10 minutes drive away. I regret being so scared to move further away. But this was my first time on my own. And I’ve got a few difficulties too that made it scarier.

During this time I struggled with rent far worse than i imagined. I asked my dad to help and he’d pull out £20 or one time £80 to help. I got whatever was in his pocket. And then one month he says “Don’t ask me for anymore money, not until October. I have it already all tied up in other things, sorry.” and so I stopped asked. October came, which was 4 months or more from then. And I forgot totally at this point to bring it up again. And so for another year I didn’t ask. And then another year. And in all that time he never once offered to pay me back. Never since this payment began growing did he ever offer to pay me back. He did offer to take me on holiday and said I could go for free, but, he’d not owe me anything anymore. It was a tempting deal, but I didn’t really like France that much. I said no.

Time went on and I heard abotu him going on holiday more and more, and buying new things, more cars. He had money to spare afterall, but still offered me nothing. Eventually our landlord decided to raise our rent by £100 a month. We were already overpaying for that crappy little place, and it wasn’t a case of “should we?” but “can we?”. And we could not. Oh “we” by the way is my roomate. The “partner” I mentioned earlier. So we had to move, and found a place 2/3 the cost and 3/2 the size much further away. It was a fantastic deal and we moved in.

My dad helped us move, by costing us around £1000. Because he did things cheaply, and told us to do things we werent allowed to do and got us fined. That needs it’s own post too. The damage he cause us is not something I added to the amount he owes though. I chose to just, not bring up that day at all.

So in our new place, doing well. Months of joy, when finally our old landlord tells us he’s not giving us our deposit back, but he also wants MORE money for damages. I didn’t even know this was legal to do. He took the deposit, and then a second amount the same. My mum had to come in and haggle for us because we were pretty much in tears over this. She saved us, and paid a lot of it for me. She expected my dad to do the same and save me, because this shock cost came out of nowhere and we were not ready. I dont have the amount on hand, but I recall I had to pay £800 myself, my mum paying more than that. £1500? £2000?

Anyway I ask my dad. Not to pay back what he owes, but to save me from seriously legal troubles. He did not help.

Over the next YEAR I was able to pay my mum back all that I owed her for bailing me out. And now I’m back on my feet, and could survive a shock payment if one somehow appeared. But I think I’m safe from that happening again. I hadn’t even thought about the money my dad owes me for ages now.

But this wedding, and talking to my little bro (yes finally back to the original topic) it came up. And my bro was like “Oh well I can talk to him and get that sorted. I was chuffed and said I’d go to the wedding. My dad is honestly fun to be around when it comes to parties. Well, as long as he’s not sober to be more precise. He was sober at one party, and was a huge killjoy. But it’s his wedding, he’s not gonna be a downer there! I was getting excited to see my whole family there, and have a great time and-

“Oh hey, your dad says he doesnt owe you that anymore.” What? Yeah what I got was a big load of messages from my bro telling me my dad didn’t think he owed me anymore because of things he’d done for me previously. Like some early holidays we went on. He also claimed to have “helped with rent” which was a very confusing thing to read. As if he was doing it periodically instead of the 3 times he did it.

Sadly this got me into venting a bit at how unreasonable it all was. I lost my cool. But I dont regret what i said. I imagined he’d go back and tell my dad and it’d get straightened out. I explained he did not help with rent nor did I owe him for any holidays, since the one time he asked me to pay, I declined.

I get a reply, my bro calls me entitled. Says so what if I paid for food and phone I used that stuff so I should pay for it. I’m in disbelief. He’s my dad, he provides for me. Besides you don’t tell someone afterwords “Oh you have to pay for those years of me helping you out”. That’s what pimps do. Other people probably do that too but I only saw it with pimps in the shows I watch.

So more ranting back that this was nuts, and that I just want my money back. I also lay into my dad’s spending habits, how he always has cash to burn, but never any for me. Fuck sake this wedding he’s having is costing him a hell of a lot more than £3000! Sadly this stuff I tell him is what he focuses on, saying my dad isn’t a bad spender cause he always buys cheap... yeah don’t I know it. Every birthday and Christmas I get a foreign or second hand phone or computer that breaks not long after. He’s a computer.. something. He gets this stuff dirt cheap thanks to his job. I couldnt really argue againt my bro there, but no way is that a positive.

But in al lthis arguing, it’s clear that my little bro has some bizarre ideas in his head if he thinks you can wave away owed money by being nice enough to someone. And he thinks me living with my dad is him being nice. But uh, that’s called being a parent, and it’s require by law. I wasn’t some friend staying there, I wasn’t a roomate. I was living in my dad’s house as his son. Jesus my lil bro is meant to be smart but what a fucking... Oh. He’s paying rent and food costs and all sorts. My dad’s gotten him paying for everything. He actually thinks this is normal. There is no low my dad wont sink to.

I can’t be mad at my bro, but it’s clear now that my dad plans on not paying me back. That’s theft. So, what should I do? I don’t want revenge, I don’t want to cost him anything, and I don’t want to take this to court because I know that could cost me. I’ll give it more time. But I hope he looks at my empty chair whilst he’s getting married and knows this is his fault I’m not there.

[roxy-davenport]

The Best I Can

Pairing: General

Character: Dean, Sam and John Winchester

Shout out to my awesome beta: @raspberrymama  Mwah!

Word Count: 1,468

A/N: This was written for  @babypieandwhiskey Cam’s Darndest Things Writing Challenge with the prompt, “Cat food is NOT for human consumption.” and for @bkwrm523’s writing challenge with the prompt, “It’s a CAT! This isn’t funny!” Black comedy? John being a bad parent. The Winchesters are quite young.

Also on AO3

“It’s a CAT! This isn’t funny!”

“It’s a little funny, Dean. A cat scared my big, brave, older brother.”

“Cut it out, Sammy.”

“It’s Sam.”

“Not when I’m mad at you.”

Sam pouted for a few moments. “Thanks Dean.”

“For what?”

“For always looking out for me.”

“Thanking me after teasing me, aye? What do you want?”

“Nothing. Honest. Just thank you.”

“Of course. It’s my job, Sam.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

“Dad hasn’t been home in three weeks. I guess he miscalculated or something. I mean, we ran out of food how many days ago?” Sam questioned.

“It must have been a rough hunt or something? I provided for us the best I could.”

“As if he’d ever tell us what was so important. You do the best you can, Dean. My anger is on Dad for ditching us here.”

“Cut Dad some slack, Sam. Come on. After everything? After mom and what just happened two hunts ago?”

Both boys fell silent again, not quite sure what to do. Sam raised his eyes to look at his brother a huge smile on his face. “Thank god you’re good at pool. You’ve got to teach me all your tricks.”

Dean smirked, “Never lost a game actually. The Winchester brothers, hunter and pool aficionados.” Sam laughed.

Dean walked around the small motel room to the kitchen getting two cans from the cupboards. In moments, the two boys were sitting in front of their respective cans of cat food. Dean put the spoon to his mouth ready to eat when he heard an insistent meowing. Looking down at the cat he froze mid-bite. Putting down the spoon he gave Sam bitchface.

“What is the cat still doing here?”

“Don’t look at me. I didn’t let it in, Dean.”

“You forgot to lock the motel room three times now.”

“Yeah, but nothing happened,” Sam said sheepishly.

“With the lives Dad and I lead, you can’t do that, Sammy. For all we know, the cat could be possessed.”

“What ghost would possess a cat, Dean?”

“Take the cat outside, Sam. Possessed or not, I’m sure as shit not sharing my food with a cat. We barely have enough for ourselves.”

“Maybe it’s trying to look for a home, Dean. Maybe its parents have left it all alone. Maybe it’s lost,” Sam pleaded.

“Jesus, Sammy, what is it with you and animals? You really wanna share with a cat?”

“Sure.”

Dean groaned loudly. “Sammy, no. You need the food. Don’t you dare give it to the cat.”

Sam slumped down in his chair at his brother’s tone. Dean sighed heavily and took some of his own food and gave it to the stray cat. He hated to see Sam upset and could never resist his brother’s puppy dog eyes. Nevertheless, he glared at Sam for yet again manipulating him so effectively. Sam in turn beamed at Dean. As Dean started eating, Sam gave him some of his food.

“Sammy, no. You’re younger, you need the food.”

“And you’re my big brother. You gotta protect me remember? You take it.”

Dean sighed and acquiesced to Sam giving him a tiny bit more. The boys smiled at each other happily - not because the food was that great, but because they were alive and well and for a hunter, that’s cause for celebration.

Moments later, both boys heard a key in the lock. They dropped their food and turned their attention to the door. John frowned at the scene before him. He heard mewing and his eyes followed the sound seeing a cat eating food under the makeshift table.

Upon approaching the boys, he saw them eating something from a can. John walked further into the room standing behind Sam. John reached over and picked up the can reading it.

“Cat food is NOT for human consumption!” he bellowed. John was furious. He grabbed the other can and threw them both in the garbage. “My boys WILL NOT eat cat food!”

Dean was really fed up of his outrage. His dad didn’t get to be angry at the scene he walked into.

“You were away for three weeks. Three whole weeks! Sammy is supposed to go to school. You owe them money for this semester. And, you left us with only enough for two weeks. What was I supposed to do, Dad? I hustled for money to be able to buy the cat food by playing pool. It’s not great, but at least it’s something to eat until you came back. My one and only job is to look after Sammy, as you’ve drilled in my head since Sam was born. And that’s exactly what I did here.”

“You’re saying I didn’t leave you enough?”

”You didn’t because you were expecting the job to be only two weeks long.”

“We’re coming back to this, Dean, because this is not okay.”

“I agree.” Dean said nostrils flaring. He was itching for a fight. Let his father try and explain his way out of this one. John eyed Dean carefully not backing down, hell, he was angry as well. He decided to bench the issue for later and focused on Sam’s school. Had he really messed the deadline? Jesus fucking christ, well he wasn’t getting any father of the year awards any time soon.

“What is this about Sam’s school?”

Dean gives his father a letter that came to the motel. How the school knew they lived in a motel, Dean had no idea. Had his father really given this as their address? John looked at the paper sighing heavily. He looked over at Sammy who looked scared. Sam never liked them fighting, especially over him.

Maybe he hadn’t left enough money, John wasn’t entirely sure himself. He didn’t think he would be gone this long. He just grabbed whatever was in his wallet and rushed off to help Bobby, who really needed the help. He should have made sure and counted it before he left.

John turned back to Dean and saw his anger. As angry as John was at what happened and his part in it, he couldn’t be angry with Dean. Everything Dean said was true. The boy was just watching out for Sam. But John wasn’t the kind to exactly apologize.

“Come on boys, lets gets some real food.”

Dean and Sam got in the Impala quietly. Dean stared out the window not acknowledging his father. He was still angry with him for how he was treating Sam.

“It’s really hard to hunt and have a family. I’ll try and be better about leaving you money. Save the money you hustled just in case. An emergency fund. That was quick thinking son. I’m proud of you.”

Dean knew that that was as good of an apology as he was likely to get from his father. Dean also knew that as much as he would love to be angry, he couldn’t. He had taken care of Sammy and their father had come back. All was right with the world.

John was guilt-ridden and as hard as it was to apologize, he had to do it. He had to try and make it right.

“I know I have to do better by you boys. I-I. Your mother’s death hit me hard and I gotta find the sonofabitch that did this to her but that’s no excuse for how I’ve been treating you both and I’m sorry. I’m doing the best I can and I know that isn’t enough. Sammy do you like that school back there?”

“It’s okay,” Sam meekly replied.

“Just okay, son? Let’s find you a school you love and you can stay the rest of the semester there. How does that sound? We’ll have a bout of permanency. We’ll be a real family again. I’ll find a nice place, none of this motel crap and I’ll only take cases close by. How does that sound?

Both Dean and Sam were shocked that their father not only apologized but was offering to give them some normalcy. They nodded their heads so quickly they were afraid they’d get whiplash. John laughed happy at the idea himself. Seeing his two sons eating cat food was the kick in the butt he needed to do better. Who would have thought?

Their father got a booth in the back so they could have some privacy. John made a point of telling Sam he could have anything he wanted. Sam’s eyes bugged out. He was starving from eating crap the past few days.

Dean smiled seeing Sam happy again. He nodded to his father forgiving him yet again, for letting them down because if Dean was being honest, he didn’t expect John to take care of Sam. That was Dean’s job and he did it well.

Taglist

Forevers: @purgatoan, @killerofthesouth, @charliebradbury1104, @chaos-and-the-calm67, @chelsea072498, @everday-supernatural-af, @kalliravenne, @toogardenenthusiast, @winchesterprincessbride, @one-shots-supernatural, @take-me-tonirvana, @hellsmother, @ellen-reincarnated1967, @faegal04, @deals-with-demons, @mamaredd123, @atc74, @hamartiamacguffin

Dean and John Folks from my list: @buckymetallicstump, @faith-in-dean, @bennyyh, @ruprecht0420, @supernatural-jackles, @jesspfly, @webcricket, @wayward-mirage, @raspberrymama

Dean and John: @aprofoundbondwithdean, @thing-you-do-with-that-thing, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @dr-dean, @nichelle-my-belle, @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid, @thegreatficmaster, @salvachester, @blushingsamgirl, @bkwrm523, @whispersandwhiskerburn, @lipstickandwhiskey, @impala-dreamer, @samsgoddess, @frenchybell, @scorpiongirl1, @for-the-love-of-dean, @fiveleaf, @deansleather, @curliesallovertheplace, @whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname, @waywardjoy, @imadeangirl-butimsamcurious, @kayteonline, @supernatural-jackles, @idreamofhazel, @wevegotworktodo, @ilovedean-spn2 , @quiddy-writes, @wi-deangirl77, @deantbh, @mysaintsasinner, @chelsea-winchester, @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki, @fandommaniacx, @teamfreewill-imagine, @deanwinchesterforpromqueen, @castieltrash1, @supernaturallyobsessed, @memariana91, @writingbeautifulmen, @plaidstiel-wormstache, @idreamofhazel, @revwinchester, @supermoonpanda, @ageekchiclife, @i-dont-know-how-to-write, @vintagevalentinexx, @ohwritever, @ruinedbydestiel, @winchester-writes, @mysupernaturalfics, @thinkwritexpress, @sammit-janet @bowtiesandapplepie, @itsemmyb, @ezauraemmaline, @matteson-crazed, @castielspahdehrah, @charliesbackbitches, @crzcorgi, @gryffindorable713, @deerlululucy, @walkingencyclopediaoffandom, @MrsJohnSmith, @manawhaat, @growleytria, @thegleegeneration, @samtomydeanwinchester, @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki, @i-never-said-a-pilot, @thewinchestielboys, @supermoonpanda, @sis-tafics, @amaranthinecastiel, @kittenofdoomage, @samanddeanwinchester67, @prettyxwickedxthings, @ferferelli @lilyoflothlorien, @myfand0msandm0re, @olitzisbae, @iridianuniverse, @the-morning-star-falls,  @shortandlongstories, @ackleslaugh @noisilyyoungpuppy, @fangirling-instead-of-working, @eyes-of-a-disney-princess, @chrisatplay, @kayteonline, @spnsimpleman, @faith-in-dean, @gimmethepieandnoonegetshurt, @for-the-love-of-dean, @mamaimpala, @winchesterfiesta, @zanthiasplace, @sleep-silent-angel, @pada-ackles-reads, @thing-you-do-with-that-thing, @gadreelsforbiddenfruit, @trenchcoats-and-bees, @curliesallovertheplace, @jencharlan, @not-so-natural-spn, @skybinx-blog, @thebunkerismyhome, @feelmyroarrrr, @beachy2014, @fandom-book-nerd, @tia58, @sams-little-toy, @sunriserose1023, @saving-things-hunting-family, @winchesterswoonathon, @jotink78, @lucifer-in-leather,  @babypieandwhiskey, @howmanytuesdaysdidyouhave, @supernatural-jackles, @avasmommy224, @angelwingsandsupernaturalthings, @mysaintsasinner, @chelsea-winchester, @besslincoln-bruh, @wheresthekillswitch, @shelovesallthethings @maraisabellegrey, @notnaturalanahi, @castiels-forbidden-angel, @captain-princess-rose, @oldfashionedvillain, @jelly-beans-and-gstrings, @deandoesthingstome, @deals-with-demons, @faith-in-dean. @notnaturalanahi 

[what-the-everloving-fuck]

I get frustrated bc it seems like I'm the only one who tries in this relationship

And I'm just exhausted from trying to stay positive and supportive when all I get is negativity and irritation towards things that aren't my fault or within my control. They're aren't within yours either But you let it ruin your day and spill over into your treatment of me. Theres a difference between "I'm in a shitty attitude and im not tying to take it out on you but I might not be doing a good job of it" and "Fuck everything including you bc i don't even want to try." Bc what I get out of that is, "you aren't worth trying for." And it would be okay if you just went "well i have those days too" But you dont. I have to handle my emotions when you won't control yours. And I'm supposed to find the bright side when all you look for is a beer

I get no indicator that you even like me, let alone actually love me. I'm not a priority. And I feel it. I've made so many passive aggressive comments bc I don't even know what to say anymore. Or if it even matters how i say it. I've picked that up bc you can't communicate. Or won't. I don't know and at this point I don't think it even matters

Bc I feel like its pretty obvious from how you act, react, generally talk to me, that you don't feel like it's important to be respectful to ME. Not only that, but anyone else gets priority over me. You didn't want to go to a festival till your brother did even even though I'd asked....about the same fucking one. You never even considered it. You spend more time focusing and lining up disc golf time with Sergio than with anything with me. Unless it's work. You'll borrow money from me bc you made a decision, and assume I just go with it, get an attitude if I even ask a question, but can't pay me back with any consistency while demanding that I pay you back the 10 or 20 dollars from that night. You've owed me money for a year. But filling up your mom or sisters gas tank after one ride is more important than trying to square up. I guess I could take solace in knowing that its important I work (though it feels like its so you can fall back on that)

I'm just tired of it. It feels like everything you told me about the kind of person you are is a lie and your expectations of me are ridiculous considering. You tell me that you're disappointed or whatever because I let my frustrations get to me on occasion. Nvm that I deal with it. Or try to adjust, and that sometimes it's only a single episode. You won't even try. You just expect me to be doing exact what you think you deserve, what you want. It you aren't providing enough to decide I'm not enough for you.

And when you just get passive aggressive like "Well no one ever for me anyway" maybe there's a fucking reason, but basically you're just being a cop out bc of the feelings you'll shit on me for having.

Like it still hurts that you didn't want me to take care of you. You'd rather inconvenience your sister with 4 kids or wait on your narcissistic mother who only focuses on you when it makes her feel better about herself, than trust your gf who has done nothing but give up her time for you, was there every night in the hospital. But I wasnt enough, and haven't been since we got off that plane 2 and a half years ago

Our relationship never fully recovered from that point, but you don't care enough about it to fix it.

Your family will always be there, but I'm on my way out bc I'm obviously not meant to be permanent. So since you don't have the balls to say it nor the acknowledgment to even realize its a problem in the first place

Best part is you left an hour ago with your sister and you haven't even tried to find out if I left or not