#I don't usually post things like this but I felt compelled to get this off my chest this way

[these-written-reveries]

I think one of the most difficult things about being autistic for me is struggling so much with making friends. Friends that actually connect with me and care about me in the way that I care about them. Friends that will actually stick around even after they see me in all of my authentic "weirdness" and won't judge me for it. Friends that want to truly get to know me on a deeper level and who put consistent effort into doing so.

I've struggled with finding people like this; usually being the odd one out in every friend group I've ever had. And maybe it's just been a wrong place, wrong time kind of thing -maybe the right people were just never around. But the ones I did find, that seemed genuine, all ended up subtly rejecting me and pushed me away the moment I started expressing my authentic self, and not the mask they were so used to seeing. They were put off by my autism; by who I am. I'm too weird. I love to hard. I care too much. I act strangely. I talk a lot. I miss the point. I'm too naive. I don't like "normal" things. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I've isolated myself for years bc I kept getting hurt over and over by people who I thought were my friends. My trauma and lack of knowledge about me being audhd didn't help when it came to filtering out the especially bad ones -only drawing me closer to those kinds of people. But I've healed a lot of those wounds since then. I know who I am and I love myself for who I am -especially in all of my neurodivergent "weirdness". And yet, putting myself out there and showing up authentically without masking has been really difficult and quite frankly, terrifying. I'm literally bearing my heart out like a target for people to hit. But it is also freeing in the sense that I can better weed out the people who aren't right for me sooner rather than months/years into a relationship with them.

I guess this is all to say that I'm still feeling the struggle all these years later and it stings. I want to connect with people so badly. I'm tired of being isolated and alone. I deserve good friends who love me like I love them. But where are they? I guess it may not be time just yet...I can be patient. I've been patient this long. If it means the right people will come along, then all this patience will be worth it.

That doesn't help to soothe the growing ache in my chest, though. Guess it's there for a reason, huh? Without it, I surely would not be making these strides towards honing my authenticity and opening my heart to receiving love for the first time in a very, very long time. Just gotta remind myself that the ache is a good thing. Shows my progress and how far I've come. I won't go back to living in a dark isolated shell again. I'll take these feelings over that any day.

[rwbie]

Words || Iso x reader ||

Iso x reader - School AU

Posts on Iso have been very slow lately and I've been compelled to write one myself. I write to fulfill my fantasies and maybe yours too? I am an English learner so feel free to give feedback or shit on it. If you like it, please like the post so I know <3 ^^

- Not proofread

"I love you..." The last thing you heard from Zhou Yu before you stupidly ran away.

It was a mistake to run away... Zhou Yu had confessed a few weeks ago, and you were left shocked. How could someone like him love you? In a result to that, when he did confess you panicked and ran away. You deeply regrated that, after time to yourself you realized contact with him had been cut off since that day. You tried texting him, but you were blocked. Going up to him? He wouldn't even look at you. Ouch...

You had a back up plan, writing a note and slipping it in his bag... hopefully he'd read it and give you a chance. While walking to the cafeteria to meet up with your friends you saw him leave his bag in the classroom, this was your chance. So you went in and left the note. This is what it read:

Li Zhou Yu, I'm sorry, I ran away after our most recent interaction. I hope this didn't rub off in the wrong way, I guess I'm just shocked. I wish I could talk to you again after that, but I lost touch with you, and you wouldn't even look at me in school. I'll be at the park tonight, usual place and time... will you be there?

And it ended with your signature... Once the note was dropped, all you had to do was wait until after school... But would he really go? So you went to the cafeteria to meet up with your friends and let the day pass by.

𓇢𓆸

Later that night, the sun had set and you sat on a swing that you would usually chill at. The moon was full and lit up the night beautifully, the stars barely making it through the light pollution. Checking your phone, it was getting late... Maybe he wasn't going to show up after all? Should you just leave...?

𓇢𓆸

Light footsteps were heard to your right. Surely it was him right? Your gaze fixated on the moon, the footsteps stopped followed by a heavy sigh. Definitely him... Hesitantly you look over to where the sound came from, and there he stood, his hands in the uniforms pocket, he said nothing. He leaned against the support of the swing.

"Zhou Yu...," You said quietly staring at his eyes that were perfectly captured by the moon.

He didn’t say anything at first he just continued to stare at you.. he was quiet, he was still upset. Then he spoke, "Why did you do that?"

"I'm sorry...," You paused and turned your head away breaking the stare. That's all you were able to say in the moment. Pathetically coming up with an excuse you still spoke quietly, "I panicked..."

He looked at you as you turned your head away from the eye contact. Letting out a scoff before he spoke again, his tone was a bit more serious this time, "Is this why you ran away and avoided everything I did? Were you just embarrassed after I told you how I felt?"

"No, no… I just needed some time to myself, I needed to process everything. I tried talking to you but it seemed like you didn't care, you just ignored me. You even blocked my number..."

"Because you ran away after I told you how I felt, and disappeared to who knows where, not speaking to me for days. You are really a jerk...," He said in a slightly rude tone, he was clearly annoyed.

"Sorry, I didn't want it to look like that, it's just..." Your hands slid down the chains of the swing, "Damn, I don't even know how to put it into words..." You mumbled to yourself and paused, having to put your thoughts into words. Something you do often, he knew that. You looked back at him.

"Zhou Yu... I do love you. I'm panicked. I'm just shocked how someone like you could love me...I don't understand why. What do you see in me? I- I'm sorry for running away. I'm such a coward..." She mumbled that last part, her eyes getting slightly watery.

As much as he was annoyed, he listened to what you had to say, looking into your now watery eyes. He sighed, "I love you because you always treat me tenderly. Every time I'm with you, I'm always very happy. I love the way you look. Every time I'm with you, I feel meaningful..."

He gently grabbed one of your hands.

Your gaze softened hearing what he said, you didn't expect him to actually respond to that question... you glanced at his hand that grabbed yours. You hated being so emotional. Yet again, he left you lost for words, but this time you wouldn't run away. Not again...

He held your hand tighter, he pulled you towards him. He put his other hand under your chin and made you look up to him..

"I know you feel shy easily…but I didn't know you could be so scared…"

He paused for a second, looking at your watery eyes..

"Are you really worried about why I like you…?"

Using your other hand you moved his away from your face, turning your head away again not sure if you could face him again before bursting into tears, "I-I just… I'm surprised, I believe you can find someone better than me…"

He watched as you turned your head, looking away.

He let out a scoff again, he firmly grabbed your chin and turned you to look back at him.

He pulled you even closer to him. You looked up at him.

"Stop worrying about me finding someone else, because I just want you, no one else, just you."

As he made you look at him again, you broke... Tears slowly flowing down your face, you muttered your words, "停止，停止……" (Stop, stop)

He saw as you began to cry... Seeing you cry made his heart ache, he had never seen you cry before... He wiped some of your tears away with his thumb, he then spoke in a gentle tone

"Don't cry... Don't cry..."

The last time he had seen you cry was in primary school over some stupid reason, but now is it still a stupid reason? Though your face was towards him, your eyes looked away not being able to meet his gaze.

He noticed that you still looked away…

He pulled you even closer to him, he moved your arms and wrapped them around his waist, so that your face was now pressed onto his chest. He pulled you up from the swing, pulling you into a hug. You mumbled to yourself as the tears still ran down your face, "I hate the way you make me feel…"

"Hey... don't say that."

He gently ran his fingers through your hair, he could hear you mumbling against his chest, he let you lean against him, he felt how tears were still streaming down your face on to his shirt yet, he held you tight...

He pulled away slightly so he could look at your face. He gently held your chin, tilting your head up, he looked down at you. Your face tear-stained. Your eyes were red and a bit puffy, you looked at him in the eyes this time. You spoke softly, "why do you make me feel like this…?"

That was something he couldn't answer, nor were you expecting one.

He decided to stay silent and comfort you, you needed it. As you looked up at him, he gently wiped the remaining tears on your cheeks. He could see how your eyes were red and a little puffy. He stayed quiet, as you spoke softly, he gently caressed your face. He knew you didn't expect an answer from him.... So he just stayed silent, letting you speak what was on your mind.

"Every time you come near me, I feel pain in my chest… and when you look at me, it speeds up. Every time I see you, I feel excited… but for me, this feeling is a bit scary…," You spoke in a soft tone, your voice slightly shaky, you looked at him with watery eyes.

He just stood there, listening to what you had to say, you always called him a good listener... as he continued caressing your face with his hand.

"我爱你..." You said quietly still looking at him. (I love you)

He felt and heard as you said those words to him. Seeing and hearing you say it to him, made his heart beat faster...

He gave you a gentle and warm smile, and he pulled you closer to him, he held the back of your head with his hand, he gently caressed you and pulled you into another tight hug..

He spoke in a soft and gentle tone "我也爱你…" (I love you too)

You held each other for a bit longer before you spoke up breaking the comforting silence, "So…what are we? What do you want to be?"

He held you tightly in his arms for a while longer, he then leaned back a bit. He looked down at you and he replied, "I want to be your boyfriend, if you'll let me be..."

You were stunned yet again, "Yes, yes, I'd love that…"

[begrudging-fudanshi]

I'm not sure where I saw it but there are a few references to classes and teachers (like in the character book where they have subjects they're best and worst at, in a few chapters where they reference "class/es", and in an interview with satoru nii, I think, though I can't find it) – the Reddit pinned post for the manga is ood for the interview where they talked about it. In the interview, it sounded like they said it was just a pragmatic thing; the story follows the action, so there's not really any need to flesh out the school side of Furin, but that could have just been a deliberate obfuscation. I hadn't really thought about it (generally, I don't care to, because that side of fandom can get really condescending and form echo chambers of "no one else is thinking about this right or as much as us") but I found your thoughts interesting to read and thought you might have wanted to know about the teacher thing, because even if teachers are there, they haven't been included in the main story at all, and don't seem to be trying to teach them anything beyond the academic curriculum.

Thanks! I had seen that, but I try to mainly base my analysis on what's in the text itself ("the author is dead" and all that). However, I appreciate the input and I actually do have some related thoughts on this.

By the way, if you or anyone else seeing this post can tell me any specific chapters where the Furin kids talk about school stuff, please share! I totally missed any mentions of that, so my views below are all based on the assumption that the kids never mention anything school related.

A few messy thoughts:

I accept that the Furin kids do go to class, but to your point, their teachers seem ineffectual at best (and, as I'll get to later, extremely trusting). I figure that anyone who'd teach at a delinquent school notorious for year-round fighting is probably not great at their job. Before Bofurin, I imagine the teachers had all given up any hope of teaching anything and just tried to survive. Ever since Umemiya took over, they've probably been so happy to finally have some peace that they just let him and the other kids do whatever they want.

While I try not to speculate too much about authorial intent, it often feels to me like Nii has challenged himself to take as many stock tropes as he can and to use them as effectively as possible (or maybe he's just a really good writer using a lot of stock tropes lol). For example, Sakura is a classic tsundere, but it's actually rationalized in a really compelling way by his characterization. Likewise, WBK also takes the trope of invisible teachers and actually fits it into the broader themes of the story (as previously discussed in the post you're referencing).

I kinda wonder if Nii was forced to show the protagonists going to high school in order to be published, and thus chose to do it in the most cursory way possible. It kinda feels like the story was meant to be told with a cast of young adults, but maybe Nii or the publisher felt like it'd sell better with teenage protagonists in a school setting. I also suspect it would be controversial (and understandably so) to publish a series aimed at teenagers where the teenage protagonists choose not to attend high school, so I've thought the whole invisible teachers approach could be a workaround for that.

That said, the absence of teachers (and any other responsible adults) just feels so conspicuous that it's hard to write it off as purely pragmatic. Plenty of series have seemingly nonexistent teachers, but they usually avoid showing kids in settings where teachers would appear. WBK could have easily done that (e.g. by giving Bofurin an HQ near the school where they spend all their time), but instead it practically goes out of its way to rub the school setting in your face. For that matter, Nii also could have chosen a different setting where kids wouldn't have to attend school at all, but he explicitly chose to set WBK in what is very clearly present-day Japan. I don't think it's worthwhile to speculate about what Nii "really meant" by this (or if he really meant anything at all), but from an analysis point of view, this is just too conspicuous for me to ignore.

A theme in WBK that I'd like to explore in-depth at some point is trust—namely, how WBK challenges us to imagine trusting these so-called delinquents who are rejected everywhere else and to imagine that they might make their world a better place of their own accord. The absence of visible teachers really highlights this trust. The kids have been given free reign of the school to do whatever they please but, despite adult authority figures being functionally nonexistent, they've still managed to turn it into a better place.

Lastly, while I have to admit I probably fall closer to that "no one else is thinking about this right or as much as us" side of fandom than not, let me just say: fuck anyone who's condescending about it. I personally enjoy deeper media analysis and am trying to cultivate more of it around WBK in my own way, but everyone is allowed to engage with media how they want. The angle I'm trying to take is more "Hey, here's this neat thing I noticed!" as opposed to "You're enjoying this wrong." and I hope that others will do the same.

[thefaiao]

Do you remember what hooked you on the LISA series? It's a decently impactful set of games so I'm curious as to why you've created so many drawings from it

A great question. I don't think I can answer this with absolute precision, but I'll try. I'll begin explaining how exactly I first got into drawing LISA, and we'll work from there to the reason I believe I am still compelled to draw more of it.

I first played and finished LISA at the end of 2016. I was decently active at that point, but hadn't garnered much attention to my drawings. I had made a Hotline Miami post that had gotten decently popular, and a few Yogscast(1)(2)(3) drawings that also did decently well, but overall nothing super noteworthy. Most Yog fans at the time weren't into what I liked mainly, which was Shadow of Israphel.

I was immature at the time, so had a hard time connecting with people in fandoms. Not to mention, I was a Brasilian in a sea of Americans and Europeans. You'd be surprised how hard it was to relate with people in that setting, but I tried here and there.

I felt pretty strongly about the HM post though, since it felt like a great personal achievement. I felt a drawing I had a clear vision for had achieved what I set out to do with it. Seeing how much people liked it, it was pretty magical when you've never had a post "do well".

Anyway, people were hopping out of tumblr and onto twitter, and I did as well. Twitter, despite everything, sort of puts you way closer to other people. Your reply to someone important is very visible and hard to ignore. It was a type of equalizer. There I had gotten to get my drawings actually seen and shared by Austin, the guy who made the LISA games.

Having had my drawings shared and recognized that way had a strong impact on me, and I even got to talk with an artist I really looked up to at the time, Maren, who had also gotten into LISA. She had done art for SBFP and TF2, so it felt surreal to me to be acknowledged by someone like that. Up to that point I really felt like more of a passive observer to everything.

In 2014 I finished high-school, and 2015 I spent the whole year learning how to draw better. I tried so hard that I ended up dissociating, a very scary emotion, that I didn't even know was a thing at the time. It felt like all that time and effort was starting to pay off, and that there was a way forward here.

First I posted sketches, and the passion I had for the game and motivation from the recognition led me to put a lot more effort than usual into my drawings. I ended up making these, which got really popular, it was very validating.

So because of all that I kept drawing. I'll be honest, a lot of the time I just wanted to get even more of the attention of these weird new cool popular friends that were paying attention to me for some reason. I was very lonely at the time. I think I stayed lonely for a long time after too.

But eventually people move on, as is normal with fandoms. I didn't really feel my passion for drawing and LISA die out though. I had started a massive LISA art project at the time, that took me 5 long years, and also was more focused in college, where I did Game Design.

Drawing wise, eventually I branched out to other RPGmaker games, but LISA was very easy to draw. It was sort of a home-base for me. Something I could come back to when I was uncertain.

I think Urasawa put it quite well, with Billy Bat:

Drawing the same characters over and over is extremely rewarding, and a great way to reflect on your progress so far. I suppose it's meditative, but that's not quite the right word. It's very fun and constructive, and people can also keep track of your progress through that. I did the same with OFF characters, a game I had drawn way before all this.

Of course, I had a lot of issues because of how things developed. I related a lot of my self-worth with the validation I received from people online, and I still do, to an extent...

When I started taking the game I'm making, Meanderer, more seriously, and started living alone, posting anything felt awful. I didn't have the energy for bombastic posts, or the time spent developing the way I draw the characters like I did for LISA, that is, with ease and style. It felt very humiliating, but I understand it was a warped view of things.

It was a long and depressing time in my life, but it taught me a few important lessons, and made me sort of re-evaluate how I engage with "online" overall. But I still liked drawing LISA throughout all of this, I almost felt ashamed of it to a certain point.

All of this isn't to say I didn't love the game itself. It wasn't all just context. I really, really love LISA. It drove me to sobbing tears, which I don't think another game has gotten out of me. It's a fantastic game, that really showed what fresh things you could do with the medium. When I played it I'm not sure I fully understood how much I loved games.

I just grew up with the characters of LISA. Maybe not in my adolescence, but definitely in my adulthood, and with my art. These characters help me orient myself, understand my limits. And it's damn fun to get better at drawing them. Even just a character on an empty blank canvas, with only black and white lines. It's the most fun in the whole world.

To finish it off, I have a general philosophy of not republishing drawings. So whenever I want to do a LISA post I have to draw a LISA post. Just keep drawing and drawing. Don't get hung up on one drawing or idolize one thing you did. Keep making things. It doesn't have to make sense. Just keep drawing.

(There was a power outage while writing this and I had to retype this whole damn post by the way. Appreciate it!)

[colourofthekites]

so my post about going through George Rexstew's insta cause I was writing a fic was semi-popular so I'd thought I'd just post the fic here. It's under the cut

Payneland - First Dance (One Shot) - 1629 words

The dim light of the office barely illuminated the book Edwin Payne had spread across his lap. The text was old and faded and hard to read but nevertheless, Edwin's eyes scanned the pages on various supernatural beings that could liquify a person from the inside out. Charles, on the other hand, was leaning on the desk, gazing intently at him.

"I can tell you're staring at me, Charles". Edwin spoke, not looking up from his reference book. "Is there something you want to talk about?"

"Can't a lad look at his best mate?" Charles said, huffing slightly. Edwin turned to him and raised a single eyebrow. "Nah just thinking, it's end of year dance season isn't it?"

It was the beginnings of August, schools would be breaking up now for holidays and teenagers would be coupled up and compelled to sway awkwardly with one another. Charles never had that. It was a strange thing to miss something you never really had.

"I suppose so," Edwin muttered, closing his book and looking up at where Charles was leaning. "Is there a reason you brought it up?"

"I just..." Charles shuffled his feet slightly. He's known Edwin for over 30 years and yet still feels on edge when pinned by Edwin's grey eyes. "...never had that. Would have been brills to actually dance with someone." Charles looked up at the ceiling, the paint was beginning to peel off.

"Well, if it's any consolation, I never had that experience either," Edwin sighed, drumming his fingers on the book cover "never had most of the high school experiences."

Charles let out a little laugh and then stood. He walked over to a small table in the corner, with a strange device plugged into a speaker system. When Crystal moved out of the office to get her own space, she left behind this thing for the boys, said if they need to liven the atmosphere. Edwin barely understood it, but Crystal taught Charles how to pick songs on there, finding ones he liked so he can play them. Charles flicked his finger across the screen, finding the right song to play. He tapped the button and the speaker buzzed into life, playing a soft string melody from its latticed front. Charles turned to look at Edwin, whose brow had furrowed with confusion.

"Come on then," Charles said, extending his hand out for Edwin to take it. "first time for everything". He smirked knowingly. Edwin wasn't one for romances or sappy moments but if anyone could get him to loosen up, it was his best mate.

Edwin rolled his eyes and sighed, "really Charles? don't be ridiculous". He tilted his head slightly, goading Charles to carry on with his silly gesture. Edwin didn't want to admit it, but he enjoys getting Charles to convince him.

Charles furrowed his own brow and pouted. He put on his best puppy dog eyes, the deepest and brownest of the them all. "Come on Edwin, please?" Edwin huffed again "for me?"

Edwin stood with his usual flair, legs swinging over one another as if he was a gymnast. "Fine, but only for you" Edwin took Charles's hand and let himself be pulled into an embrace, his hands placed carefully on Charles's shoulders, while Charles's own hands went to his waist.

They stood like that, swaying from side to side as the orchestral music raised high and low, as if it was swaying in its own right. Even though they are dead, Charles could feel the stiffness of Edwin's shirt under his fingers, the taut muscle of his waist as they danced together. Charles wasn't sure if it was tension or just the way Edwin's body was. Either way, it didn't matter. This was something silly for them to do rather than scan over cases. Charles couldn't meet Edwin's eyes, instead looking down at how their feet were moving next to one another's, shuffling slightly as to not bump into each other. It felt... perfect. Like their movements and individual selves were made to fit one another spaces.

Charles finally built up the courage to look at Edwin. His face was set. This was ridiculous but Charles could see the slightest twitch of a smirk playing on the corner of Edwin's lips. Charles struggled to stifle a laugh, and, as if by nature, Edwin was laughing too. Little sounds that, if their lungs still drew breath, would send ripples through the air.

"This is stupid!" Edwin chuckled, tipping his head forward into Charles's space. The music was building to a crescendo, and all the boys could do was laugh with one another.

"I know! But it's at least it's stupid with you" Charles shifted his arms to pull Edwin closer, pressing their chests together in an almighty hug. Edwin tensed, and then softened into it, wrapping his arms around Charles's shoulders and neck. Charles could feel Edwin's fingertips at the base of his hair. Just a slight tickle but it was enough to make Charles wish he could feel his heart beating again, feel Edwin's beating against his.

Edwin was still chuckling, the shakes of his laughter going through his body Charles could feel every bit of it. He manoeuvred his arms to wrap tighter around Edwin's waist, and one moved up his back. Even through his shirt, Charles could feel the bumps of Edwin's spine, pulling him closer and nestling in the space between Edwin's neck and his shoulders. Edwin sighed deeply, and Charles followed suit. Ever since Edwin escaped hell with Charles, Charles looked at him in a different, but beautiful way. His best mate, his fellow dead boy detective was in love with him and he couldn't say the same. He felt like he hand Edwin's heart in his hands and he couldn't hold it the way Edwin needed. Charles said he'd figure out what the rest means, and he meant it. This dance, this gentle sway in the dim light of their office was figuring it out

Edwin pulled back from the embrace, still settled in Charles's arms. He met Charles's soft brown eyes with a gaze that reminded Charles of the most comforting forest.

"Charles, I..." Edwin trailed off, he laughed again and shook his head. He looked back up at Charles. "Thank you."

"What for? don't tell me you want to start dancing with each other more, mate, cause I'm gonna be honest. I do feel like a bit of a dimwit"

"For being the only one who can get me dancing in the first place" Edwin said, head titling in a way that Charles could never tell was exasperation or intrigue.

"Oh please, Niko could get you dancing I bet!" Charles and Edwin laughed. They both loved Niko so much and they promised to remember her as she was, brilliantly herself.

"Granted," Edwin chuckled "but not like this. Not like how I am with you."

"Listen, if I can get you smiling and out of those books, that's brills to me". Charles beamed his wondrous smile, one that could softened the heart of any demon, not that he would be willing to try that. Charles's slipped his arm from Edwin's back to gently cup his face, thumb grazing over the sharp cheekbones under his pale skin. He glanced at Edwin's lips, slightly parted and back up to his eyes. He didn't know, but Edwin did the same.

It was an unspoken moment, an agreement of want that sprung between them and the air between their bodies. It wasn't forced, nor a desperate surge for something. They leaned in, their lips locked in the softest of kisses. There was no warmth, no wetness or breathiness but it was as if the world, and Death herself, stopped.

This was different to kissing Crystal; with her, there was a deep need and drive for each other. Kissing Edwin was soft, gentle, and kind; just like how Edwin was. Charles could feel Edwin's lips move around his, slipping into one another and the light tingle of a tongue. Their non-existent breath was mingling in their mouths as Charles rubbed Edwin's face. Edwin moved his hands into Charles's soft curls, feeling them slip and glide over his hands like water. Edwin pulled them closer, pressing their bodies together in what felt like a new form of passion, different from anything Charles had felt before. Charles had longed to be alive before, longed to feel the heat of another. But this longing felt so much more. Like the entire office suddenly got brighter.

Edwin pulled back, Charles attempted to chase his lips. "Don't stop," he thought "I need more of this. More of you". But Edwin was looking into his eyes.

Silence. The worst kind, the moment after something happened where you are never sure if what you just did was wonderful, or the biggest mistake of your (after)life. Charles hated that silence, it ate away at him. It must have only lasted for a second, but it felt like eternity.

At last, Edwin let out sigh with a wide smile, and pressed his forehead to Charles's. And it was then that Charles noticed. The music. They kissed for so long, that the orchestra they danced to had ended, and the room was filled with nothing but the background hum of the lights

They both laughed, pressing their foreheads together before Edwin leaned in and kissed Charles again. Edwin was more sure this time, pressing into Charles like a weight that was holding him back was finally lifted. They broke apart and embraced each other. Edwin tightened his wrap on Charles, and Charles squeezed him back.

"I'm glad my first dance was with you." Edwin whispered softly into Charles's shoulder.

"Me too," Charles whispered back, "me too"

[roxyteal]

(Jesus Christ it happened again. Mobile decided to not only publish the draft but also not save any of my edits. Pardon me if you see any appear) (Oct 30: Put context about his sobriety in the beginning, as opposed to in the middle out of nowhere.)

Today I am compelled to talk about Joe 5. It may include things I already mentioned in a different post, but those were in the tags so if any of this seems like not new info, sorry about that.

ANYWAY

Joe 5. Also this gets long so bear with me.

Joe 5 (but you can use either Joe or 5) came from a complete set copy of "Joe`s basics joke game". He was relatively fine as a person, with highs and lows. He's a bit of a snark but it's usually lighthearted. He even realized he had a problem and got clean, though... Alcohol still kinda haunts him as a result.

At some point, he and his entourage found the Webspace. On that day, they were among two others - a copy of Denied's Basics (the 10th apparently), and the 82nd Dave, who was a rogue for some reason.

Things were alright until it was mentioned that there was a pre-existing Joe and company around, and whether or not they'd like to merge with him, and so on. 5 thought that was weird as Hell and said no. But his companions said yes.

This resulted in 5 distancing from them since they're "not my friends anymore", and "I don't even know them anymore". And from then on, he resented the idea of merging, and that damned "Joe 1" for being so Goddamn happy. What's he all smiley about, he thought. The fucker.

But at least he still had his school. His empty, ghost town of a school. He quickly realized he couldn't live alone in that so he started staying in a tiny apartment, which quickly became a mess because of his plummeting self-worth. If only he'd just gone with everyone else, this could've been avoided, he also thought. It's his punishment for going against the grain. Being different. Maybe even "defective". Well shit, let's be defective. Why not.

He would have his code and model changed so that his hair would grow naturally. Somewhere in his reasons for this was needing to feel responsible for something, so he wouldn't completely fall apart. And maybe having it would make him feel better, whether about himself, in general, or both. He recalled that he considered asking his player about it in the past, but never got the nerve. Better late than never, he tried to rationalize. That's what people say to forgive themselves, right?

But the shoulder-length he requested (and wavy to boot, he didn't realize he had that...) spiraled out of control and now reaches his waist. Of course he couldn't keep up the end of the deal he put upon himself. It really needs the trim, but he couldn't be assed to try, and it disgusts him. The only good thing was how it never tangled. Game magic shit or whatever. But regardless of that, he looked like a cryptid, and he felt like one too.

At this point, his only comforts was TV, eating, and sleeping. He didn't need to do the last two obviously, but it gave him something to do, a distraction. When he ate, he could focus on the taste and nothing else. When he slept, he would stop being able to drown in his thoughts, welcomed instead into nothingness. When he watched TV, it numbed him enough to stop caring.

But even in his lowest moments, he refused to give in to his old addiction of... That. Diving back into it would truly mean the end had come. He'd rather be tortured to the brink before he had a sip again. Even now. Especially now.

He rarely ever left the apartment, kept the lights off, curtains to the balcony closed, and didn't allow visitors. He rarely ever left his bed, in fact. Sometimes he'd lie there and daydream about leaving. To where? Who knows. But this place was so painful to live in because everyone else has it great and he's got nothing so it's like... Just leave. But where?

He'd ponder it. Maybe just go out that tunnel and see where the Internet busses take him. Leave it up to fate. Maybe he'll find a nice little NeoCities domain. That whole area's so fuckin' large, there had to be a place where even 5, a worthless piece of shit, could fit right in! Yeah...

But he never gets out of bed. Out of the apartment. To the entrance tunnel. To the bus stop. To NeoCities. He just lies there, thinking about it. And nothing happens.

One day, he realized he was running out of food. The only reason he'd ever leave his trash heap of an apartment. By this point it was a matter of looking presentable enough to go out into that bright, colorful, vapid world crafted by that... Uh, mask man, and his spooky associates. Or keep staring at the dump that is 5's living space and contemplate if he could live without the sensation of eating. He still had his two other trusty vices, is it okay to lose one?

But, fuck. He loved the instant noodles. The frozen meals. The rice cups he could drizzle a little soy onto. And all the other kinds of convenient, packaged stuff. Goddammit.

So, he stepped around the trash, and next he knew, he was out the door. Fine. Fine. Fine! He'll get so much, he'll never have to come out again!

But as soon as he was outside the building, hair almost encasing his torso like a shroud, something shifted. Today's the day he's going to leave. Yeah. He'll get this done, pack up, make a pitstop to Vincent's or whatever pretentious name that supernatural son of a bitch had, flip off the gaudy building, then head straight for the tunnel. If he had time, he might even egg that fucking place!

This is it! God, it'd been so long since he was excited. Genuinely excited. He wanted to hold onto this forever.

Mood improved, he carried on with his mission. He ignored the other shoppers, checking off everything he picked up from his list. It was one of his first lessons here, because how could anyone remember everything they needed? He sure couldn't.

Things were going fine, until... He bumps into someone. Baldina. And she single-handedly became the craziest thing to happen to him.

He barely recalled the conversation, but it led to her hiring him as an assistant at her school, despite his clear lack of qualifications. It seemed that like Mr. Strobe-bow-skis, she too had plenty of people under her thumb, in numerous positions. A whole network of them.

One of which, 5 got to meet while struggling pitifully with the coffee machine, just seconds away from having a breakdown right then and there. This guy called himself, er, "I'm never"? But one word. Okay sure whatever. And in spite of 5's threatening tones and verbiage, Imnever was patient enough to show him how to use the brewer. Even informed him of how Baldina takes her coffee.

So what's Imnever's story? Oh, he teaches art here. He's more of an animator by trade, but this suited him just fine. Huh. Well, still more impressive than anything 5's ever accomplished.

The three of them became friends. He wasn't sure how that was possible, but finally he had a reason to go outside more often, instead of stewing in his own suffering for weeks at a time. In fact, slowly that poor excuse of an apartment turned into something a little more decent. It wasn't super tidy, but if Imnever, Baldina, or both wanted to visit, finally 5 could and would allow it.

It got to a point where, one morning, they surprised him with a present. A motorcycle. Apparently the two had taken his daydreaming musings seriously, about how cool it would be to have one. Also, 5 had forgotten what day it was - his birthday.

He cried. He couldn't possibly accept this. He didn't know how to ride it. He'd ruin it or hurt someone. All the classic, self-depreciating excuses he was told he was using.

But, as Imnever said, what you don't know, you fear. Once you do, you don't. Frankly that sounded confusing, and yet, these types of phrases helped him get this far, so... Just accept the damn thing.

The helmet was really cool, but he had so much hair that it wouldn't be able to fit. At long last, he got the trim he had desperately needed; up to just below the shoulders. But Baldina did it for him. Almost ironic, but at this point, who cares?

He forgot how light his head felt after the excess was cut down. It was a nice feeling.

Once he actually tried to overcome that fear of failure and took the chance to learn something, he was surprisingly quick on the uptake. And before long, he was zooming down streets in that badass chopper of his.

Maybe the Webspace isn't actually so horrible. But, thinking that, he reminisced about that day, where he was so sure he was gonna leave this domain behind and start over somewhere else. He slowed to a stop in front of Infinite School or something like that. Hm...

And he gave that treacherous high-rise building the bird, laughing manically as he drove onward. Of course he was going to stick around nowadays, but it still felt right to do. And boy was it worth it.

Life here had finally looked up for 5. Until, well... The demon showed up. But that's a whole other fuckin' story.

[studentbyday]

{ 30.10.24 } · { 50 days of routine } · { day 1 }

actually got out of bed at 7:30 though i woke up at least half an hour before... but i slept at midnight last night (need to schedule proper wind-down time), so i was very sleepy and felt awful all around

*struggling through immunology discussion post due today*

i napped later in the morning for an hour and that's when my two mushrooms died bc I didn't wanna be tempted to use my phone when i intended to nap but the other timer i set to wake me up (in case the forest ding didn't wake me up) went off slightly before the forest timer was up and...well, they're dead now. it was a good nap tho and it gave me the energy i needed to go on with the rest of my day

worked on pathology group asst (not scheduled for today but...i did it anyway bc i felt compelled to, not sure if that was a good idea in hindsight...)

sort of reviewed for the microbio quiz but it was half-assed bc i was impatient and then i just did the quiz anyway...it was more stressful than it needed to be bc of my poor memory and i felt bad about that... we'll see if i actually was able to find the right answers in the end when the answers are released...

continued struggling through that immunology discussion post but we made it in the end (i mean, we had to)

walk and read (maybe 30 mins? started reading about cbt and working through the workbook and i like how it seems to be almost exactly like physio appts but for my brain...sometimes i try to work through my issues on my own through word-vomit journaling, but increasingly it's getting difficult to even know where to begin and how to move forward when it both really matters and i'm so tired and clueless and don't wanna give up, so having someone help you make a sane roadmap that aligns with your own goals is nice 👍��� there were some reflection activities in the workbook which i filled out too...)

might actually end a little later tn (goodbye proper wind-down time that i was supposed to have, but hopefully making significant progress on my schoolwork + the journaling i did as part of the cbt workbook will have helped satisfy the part of me that usually resists going to sleep immediately) because i have to finish (or get as close to finishing) a microbiology assignment due tmr morning (not first thing, thank God...i don't even remember how i got to be so late with this...gah so many things happening and the non-urgent stuff gets pushed later and later until woops the deadline is tmr!!! 😣😮‍💨) (update: i'm maybe halfway??? luckily it's just a first draft we need to be sending but omfg do i have my work cut out for me tmr morning 😭 icandothisicandothisihaveto)

[skywalker1dream]

part 4 of spin the bottle

Betrayed by the Buzz

part one | part two | part three | part four | part five

note: again its short but hope you like it, i will post next part soon. quali will begin soon, i have to watch it. fingers crossed leclerc pole.

Summary: In the midst of a mundane moment in the kitchen, the incessant buzzing of Carlos's phone leads to a shocking discovery. Despite warnings in the back of your mind, you're compelled to investigate, only to find messages that shatter your trust and leave you reeling with betrayal.

Warnings: Emotional distress, betrayal, infidelity.

As you went about your business in the kitchen, the sound of Carlos's phone buzzing incessantly caught your attention. At first, you brushed it off, assuming it was just a group chat blowing up as usual. But as the buzzing continued for what felt like an eternity, your curiosity turned to concern.

"Carlos, your phone!" you called out, hoping to get his attention over the noise of the running shower. When he didn't respond, you grew increasingly frustrated, the incessant buzzing grating on your nerves.

Finally unable to ignore it any longer, you made your way over to where Carlos had left his phone on the counter. As you picked it up, you noticed a string of unread messages flooding the screen, each one more alarming than the last.

Your heart sank as you scrolled through the messages, your worst fears confirmed with each passing word. Your hands trembled as tears welled up in your eyes, shock and betrayal coursing through your veins.

In that moment, everything seemed to blur together, the sound of the shower, the buzzing of the phone, the tears streaming down your face. You felt as if the ground had been pulled out from beneath you, leaving you reeling in a maelstrom of emotions.

With trembling hands, you set Carlos's phone back down on the counter, unable to bear the weight of the truth it held. As you stood there, grappling with the enormity of what you had discovered, you couldn't help but wonder how everything had unraveled so quickly.

was it all game for him.....?

But amidst the chaos and confusion, one thing was clear: you couldn't ignore the painful reality staring back at you from Carlos's phone. And as you struggled to come to terms with the betrayal that had shattered your trust, you knew that the road ahead would be fraught with heartache and uncertainty.

Carlos pov:

first date

As I sat with my friends, their jests about my lack of dating life grated on my nerves. I knew they meant well, but their relentless teasing was starting to wear thin.

"Come on, Carlos, when was the last time you went on a date?" Alex, one of my closest friends, prodded with a smirk.

"Yeah, man, you're starting to look like a hermit," Mark chimed in, chuckling.

I rolled my eyes, trying to brush off their comments. "I've just been busy with work, that's all."

But when they proposed the bet, challenging me to deceive her into losing her maidenhood, I was taken aback. It was a twisted game, one that went against everything I believed in.

"Seriously? You guys want me to do what?" I exclaimed, my disbelief evident in my voice.

"Come on, Carlos, it's just a bit of fun," Alex (not albono tho) said, trying to downplay the seriousness of the situation. "And think of the money! If you pull it off, we'll give you a nice bonus."

I hesitated, torn between my principles and the allure of the challenge. "I don't know, guys. This doesn't feel right."

But when they upped the stakes with the promise of a hefty sum of money, a sense of competitiveness took hold of me. I agreed to their proposal, determined to prove them wrong.

"You're on," I said, a hint of determination in my voice. "But I'm not doing this for the money. I'm doing it to show you guys that I can do anything."

---------

As the days passed, I found myself growing increasingly annoyed with the whole situation. The bet weighed heavily on my mind, a constant reminder of the moral dilemma I found myself in. But despite my reservations, I couldn't shake the feeling of competitiveness that drove me forward. I wanted to win, not for the money, but to prove that I was capable of succeeding where others doubted me.

And so, when the opportunity arose to ask her out on a date, I seized it without hesitation. I acted as if the bet didn't exist, pushing aside the guilt and uncertainty that gnawed at my conscience.

"Hey, are you finally going to ask her out?" Mark asked, a knowing grin spreading across his face.

I nodded, trying to ignore the unease that twisted in my gut. "Yeah, I think it's time."

As I sent the text, inviting her to join me for coffee, a sense of unease settled in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was betraying her trust, that I was using her as a pawn in a game she didn't even know she was playing.

Despite my misgivings, I pushed aside my doubts and focused on the thrill of the chase. I was determined to win the bet, no matter the cost. Little did I know, the true cost of my actions would be far greater than I could have ever imagined.

----

[bunny-with-a-chainsaw]

First time posting and I've decided to make it my headcannons surrounding Dave Miller from the Silver Eyes since there's barely anything for this man. Just as a warning this isn't proofread or anything, it's kinda long and this is my first time writing headcannons so expect it to be cringe. Constructive criticism is appreciated!

•    I won't lie, this man absolutely despised you at first. He had always prefered to work alone as if there was any 'unwanted attention' from people who didn't know not to stick their nose into things they didn't understand, he could take care of them without much fuss. So when he heard that he'll be having someone else to work with, he was... agitated to say the very least.

•    First time actually meeting him he was grumpy and gave either one worded answers or snide remarks, to which both confused yet annoyed you. It was only when you brought up Freddy's did he show any interest in talking to you.

•    He gave you the usual tale he told anyone, with how several kids disappeared, nobody wanting to rent out any of the stores around it due to bad vibes, all that jazz. Though what really compelled him to go further into detail was the fascinated look you gave him as you listened. Reguardless of if you believe in the supernatural or not, stories about it always piqued your interest and that was something Dave could relate to.

•    Eventually your conversation branches off to other stories you both heard, and before you two knew it you guys were bonding over scary ghost stories. Of course all good things had to come to an end as 7am rolled around and the two of you headed out of the abandoned mall and back home. Dave flopped on his couch and thought about his conversation with you, wondering if working with you might not be so bad after all.

•    You guys became good friends after that and even started sharing more personal stories with each other, though Dave was always careful not to reveal too much about himself that might hint at his real identity. He simply told you that he used to work at Fredbear's Diner as a technician there and that was as close as he dared got to the truth. Over all you both greatly enjoyed each other's company... then feelings started appearing.

•    Dave was always horrible with feelings so it took him a while to realize that what he felt was more then just a close friendship then you and he looked like he got dunked in cold water when he did. It's even worse if you're amab due to the sheer amount of internal homophobia this man has, and he'll even actively try to distance himself from you though that does nothing to get rid of his feelings.

•    Either way it'll take Dave a while to confess as he wants to make sure you feel the same way he does. Though even when he's confident you are and tells you that he wants to be more then friends with you, he'll still be a little overwhelmed when you say you like him and will ask again just to make sure you actually want this. If you end up confessing first though congradualations! You've successfully caused his brain to cease all function and it'll take a hot minute for him to come back, to which he'll just ask you to repeat what you said. Best if you don't tell him while he's holding something unless you want him to drop it on his foot.

•    Now at the beginning of your relationship it'll take him a little bit to get used to it all but you guys get into the groove of things after about two or three weeks of awkward touches and hesitant I love yous. After all that one of you sitting down on the office chair while the other sits on their lap looking at the cameras, doing rounds around the mall holding hands and staying over at each other's place is quite common with you two.

•    Dave's main love languages are surprisingly touch and words of affirmation. He loves cuddling and playing with your hair while he mutters sweet nothings to you as you both lay in bed, not wanting to get up just quite yet. He also enjoys quality time, where he shows you some of the stuff he worked on as a 'engineer' or just read something while chilling on the couch with you.

•    Dates normally consist of going out in the woods, screwing around in Freddy's or a quiet cafe where barely anyone goes to. He hates going out in public incase of the little chance someone recognizes him, though he'll just tell you that he doesn't like people which isn't really a lie, so you guys tend to stick to the much less busy areas of town. If you're amab he'll refrain from any pda or even pet names as he doesn't want to draw any unwanted attention, even if you are capable of defending yourself.

•    He'll start opening up more at the same rate you do, as he sees it only fair that he tells you things about himself as much as you tell him about you. Hell give him a few months and he might even tell you about Elizabeth, though he'll only be refering to her as Lizzy and say that she just went missing one day while he was working. Just be careful not to pry too much as it's still a sensitive spot for him, and he's not fond of talking about it even to someone he trusts dearly.

•    He always makes sure to only let you know about things he wants you to know, and knows how to hide the things he doesn't want you to know well. Dave will never fully shake the fear of you finding out who he is and what he's done. If you ever do he isn't going to force you to stay with him and will even move out of Hurricane with the money he's saved up over the years, and if you decide to stay he'll just think you're too scared to break up with him. But if you somehow not bothered by everything, maybe even intrigued by what he's discovered... he might just show you all the things remnant's truly capable of.

[merrikiwi]

What we got up to in July 2024

Writing this blog post is an idea I came up with because it is fun but also because it forces us to reflect on the month and what we did. We've been trying (badly) to keep track of all the things we watched in the year so we can do an end-of-the-year retrospective of all the media we enjoyed so heeeeeeere we go.

July, July, July, what a busy month we've had. From L getting a new job to us running our first convention stall selling our art. We have truly been busy, but that has not stopped us from having fun with all kinds of media. Whether to relax or to research we watched a lot last month so lets talk about it.

Movies Movies are a good place to start. I've been trying to keep track of the movies we watched on Letterbox like I do with anime on MAL. I just like having a big list of all the things I've seen I can't help it XD. 

For my birthday we did a Gentleman-themed movie night. First, we watched The Gentleman a film I've been trying to get L to watch for ages and my birthday seemed like a great opportunity. And guess what she loved it. It's Guy Richie so you know the cinematography and editing are going to be fun a least. I didn't remember how homoerotic it was but I'm all for it. I think the gangsters should kiss. 

We also watched The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare... Also Guy Richie. It even had Henry Cavill but they couldn't save this story from being kinda meh. It sucks because I was looking forward to it but It just felt a little all over the place. You never really get to know any of the characters and the action felt excessive considering the real-life versions of these people managed to do this operation with only one injury. 

The last movie I can remember watching was Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets. Our hopes going in were so low but it was actually really awesome. The world and story are just so interesting and well-made. It feels like a passion project from the director. It's just plain fun times. 

TV

For the small screen, we watched The 8 show, A tv adaptation of two Manhwa Pie game and Money game. The show chose elements from both  to create a kind of mish mash of the ideas from both. I hadn't read them but L had so I got to turn and go "Omg did that happen in the Manhwa". I wouldn't want to spoil anything but if you're a fan of death games its very compelling. 

My main criticism of the show as a whole was that the violence in the latter half was actually really hard to watch. It felt excessive and unrealistic. You will watch a character get their head bashed in with a baseball bat multiple times and will be fine the next day. It gives it this kind of unrealistic uneasiness where you're real-world perception of how much damage the human body can take is confused for the sake of plot convenience and shock. 

L: It made some interesting adaptations and outright changes that were mostly good but it is very different to both manhwa. Which is a good thing. I've read it already so show me something cool you can do with the idea!

Anime

Anime was a large part of what we watched as usual. We have completely stepped off the seasonal train and as a result have been enjoying anime from all over... anyway we watched Dungeon Meshi. If you have seen our most recent video you know we love this show. It's genuinely a 10/10 and I can't wait for the next season. I don't want to be basic and make more videos on it but I kinda do. 

Shangri-La Frontier was another anime we brought up in the last video as it was just overflowing with passion and skill. We still haven't finished it with 2 episodes to go.

I Was Reincarnated as the 7th Prince so I Can Take My Time Perfecting My Magical Ability; was also fun but for very silly reasons. I can't sit here and claim it's inherently good but it was fun and easy to watch. Sometimes that's ok.

Lastly, for anime, we have Black Butler. omg, it's so fun. we're only 10 episodes into our rewatch at the moment but it's been about 10 years since I last watched it. The English accents in the dub are particularly awful I love it. 

Its interesting to look back on the anime we watched and see exactly how we went from watching these to writing the Passion and Skill video. I can see what elements of each show inspired what elements of the video. This is cool and fun and nice. 

Games

Don't worry we are nerds of the highest order so we played some games too. I've been playing a few in the last week or so. Star Ocean Divine Force, Orks Must Die 3 and Circus Electrique just to name a few. I've been ping-ponging back and forth between all of them. 

The big game of this month however has to be Spellforce 2. I played 3 and really enjoyed it but the jump back to 2006 graphics was a hurdle I had to vault and I'm glad I did. The game has a lot of interesting elements that they stripped out for the sequel. Unsurprising considering the game changed hands multiple times between the 2 games. It really feels like a classic CRPG with strategy elements instead of a bunch of strategy maps with some RPG-style quests for good measure. It was fun and just as I thought I was finishing it the game kept going. I have no idea where it's going to go next.

L has been playing the Demo for Blue Prince pretty religiously. I don't think ill see her again once the full game comes out but I won't say too much because I think there's a little video/strategy guide on the horizon. You should see the spreadsheet. 

L: Spreadsheet :3c 

Conc

If I could conclude this rambling blog post for July in one word I would say Expanding. Because our tastes are changing and expanding. I'm excited to see what I get to enjoy next month. 

Anyway, this blog post is more for us to store thoughts than anything substantial at the moment but if you enjoyed reading it let us know. If you want better-worded thoughts check out our YouTube videos and if I actually stick to this new idea see you next month.

[faaun]

I'm not sure if you were after advice re adhd and Vyvanse, only read through your recent posts enough to see you are having thoughts about it but I'm not sure your dose and 'type' of adhd (inattentive/impulsive/hyperactive/combined etc) but see you're just over a week using it. I'm on day 21 of Vyvanse and wanted to share my experience if it's in any way helpful because I've been diligently documenting each day. Day one I took 30mg and found the dose was awful -- like I was at a club long after the music had stopped you know, hands clenched, music hurt, awful. I have since been taking half that dose and before a week didn't feel like I was "on" anything, but my mind was quiet and I could focus on my tasks / my moods were regulated - more linear / over the continued use I can tell it's waning earlier, but I do have 5mg Dexy's to supplement when that happens and it's still a process to find the dose balance (I suspect it will change throughout time anyway), I was prescribed those along with the Vyvanse but it's none of my business why you don't have those atm ofc. I've learned about so many things in relation to my mind since getting this diagnosis, I really had no idea I could attribute certain things to it and consequently feel so much less shame than I've had my entire life. You probably know there are other medications and maybe this one wont be for you (and maybe you'll find other strategies too) but I can say I'm glad I took the approach of allowing the process, documenting what I feel in my body each day AND MAKING SURE TO EAT A MEAL WITH THE VYVANSE IMMEDIATELY BEFORE TAKING IT (which no doctor advised me, I had to find out from reddit fml) I also eat really small portions of fruit / tuna during the day, and have heard others say that doing that helps the 'comedown' sensation too. I think I only felt compelled to send you this because I really relate to the 'can i choose not to have adhd' post, but maybe it will help to consider this an experience worth tracking in detail, really giving it a go and not considering each avenue an all or nothing sort of pursuit, like there are options and you should trust your body and discuss with your doctor. Bravo for figuring this out about yourself at 21, I'm 30 and my psych said a lot of people come to her in their 40's! I don't know if any of this helps at all, but I will say, the silence in my mind is a little weird and spooky while also relieving and interesting -- I heard someone basically say that the meds help you focus, but don't help you choose what to focus on, if that makes sense. I think that's where a sort of self-determination / planning comes in and seems significantly easier with the clarity of mind. This is all probably crap, but good luck wah!

hi hi ! this is def helpful thank you! right now i've been taking meals (well...nutritionally complete meal replacement shakes, with vitamins, because food does not register as food to me on vyvanse) just anytime after taking a dosage, so maybe actually having a meal beforehand would help!

also got magnesium + vit b, oredered omega fish oil so maybe that should help too ? i've known i've had adhd since i was maybe 15, it's just been really hard to get medicated and now that i have the medication the fear is that it's worse than being unmedicated (ritalin didnt work) 😭 but currently on a trial phase, as you said i'm documenting everything and just switching out lots of variables. i've learned going to the gym helps me too :)

my problem is that around 3-4 hours a day are essentially hellish. i started off on 50mg bc i usually have a high tolerance to...mostly everything, and quickly learned that it was too high - from 9-2pm amazin, 2-4 meh, 4-7pm horrible no good hell time, 7 onwards very relaxed and gentle. it's the midway stage that really sucks for me. i reduced my dosage to 30g and everything was more mild, but it still was impeding my ability to think between 3-7:30pm ish, which really sucks because that's when most of my seminars are...

my biggest problem for 3-7:30 except inability to process things is emotional bluntness and a complete lack of whimsy. my perceptions seem so indirect. like mild dissociation?

today i'm at 35, i'm seeing how it goes :) tomorrow i'll try the thing w eating before the dose, and also i'll try to implement more fish-related stuff into my diet bc i've also seen ppl say it helps them!

tysm for the ask btw i rly appreciate anyone's advice and just their experiences or feedback or thoughts !!

[6ad6ro]

ok. i finally finished final fantasy vii rebirth. and i wanna talk about it. i guess you could call this my "review". this post will be vague and spoiler-free unless you click on the "read more".

i do love this game, but it's an absolute mixed bag: story: 10/10 combat mechanics: 9/10 music: 9/10 art direction: 10/10 voice acting (jp): 10/10 open world (non-quest stuff): 4/10 sidequests: 6/10 minigames: 3/10 pacing: 1/10 does this game have flaws? yes. is it as good as the og ff7? no. but is it worth playing? absolutely. i almost feel like this game needs a "cheat sheet" in order to know what parts to play and what parts to avoid. but the good parts (mostly the linear main story stuff) is SO gd good that it's still a must-play game. ok but now i'm gonna go into details (and spoilers) under the rm cut.

so i'll go over some of my scores. firstly, the story is the main reason to play this. they def fuck around a lot, maybe they bait and switch a bit too often, but in the end it makes for a very compelling (or at least interesting) narrative. at first, i was REALLY worried that this game was gonna turn into just some "fan pandering nightmare". and it felt like it was "ff7 without it's claws". esp when everybody was dancing like pop stars and aerith and tifa kept high fiving. but... it def got into that good ff7 trauma we know and love later on. and respect to them for following through with killing aerith. yes, they did what i sorta expected. they teased tifa dying instead, teased aerith NOT dying, and then killed aerith anyway. they EASILY could have left her alive, but they didn't. they kept in the loss angle, which imo is what makes ff7 "ff7". i kinda LOVE that now you have a batshit cloud "seeing" aerith's ghost like it's star wars. and everyone else seems almost... afraid of him. and rightfully so. also i LOVED the zack stuff, even though it was absolutely confusing. i like that they're hinting at zack somehow breaking through his reality into the rm universe. i also like the tease that... idk... will there be another "party" involving zack, kyrie, biggs (if he's still alive or not)? regardless, a great story!

the combat feels mostly improved over rm. the gameplay is fantastic with very few flaws. difficulty is way more balanced than rm, with easy feeling a bit harder and normal feeling less unfair. the only times i felt frustrated by the gameplay was when they laid the "stone" status effect on too thick in parts bc it felt cheap. is it as good as the og combat? no. it still def has the unfun "you desperately need to heal but don't have a charge and the enemy is immune to everything so you just die" thing. but credit where its due, the "free item a few times per battle" materia fixes a lotta those issues.

the music is incredible. the remakes of old songs generally kick ass. some of the new music was pretty good, too. though it gets a point off because a lot of the open world stuff music felt... generic? this is just a situation where the og game's music is TOO GOOD, so the new music will always be fighting this sort of uphill battle.

the art was perfect. just the shading alone... like jesus this game is absolutely beautiful. i took so many goddamn screenshots in game, and they'd often end up looking like key renders, even tho it'd just be a random ss i could take at any angle. this game went above and beyond all expectations.

the voice acting... there was SO MUCH and it was all SO GOOD. tho i did switch to jp voices. bc... in this sorta storytelling, eng just sounds like "drama club"? idk there's a reason the language of origin cast is usually better and that's just how it is. it was perfect.

ok now we're gonna get into some of my issues, starting with the open world. it's not ENTIRELY awful? some was genuinely fun and exciting. but the majority was busywork. like it's so weird when the mainline stuff was so good that this would feel like a shitty ubisoft game. and chadley... fuck that dude. worst character in the series. but for SOME gd reason he ends up talking to you nonstop! i hit the point where i'd wince any time i heard his "radio" turn on. he took an already mediocre open world and made it way worse. fuckin chudly.

the sidequests that weren't just repeated busywork were usually neat. tho some were bad, and others withstood their welcome. the cutscenes/dialogue were usually fun or genuinely great, but they too often came at the cost of wasting your time. they often had shit rewards. and they often incorporated the shittiest "minigames" ever (i'll go into this more in a minute). example: you gotta find ingredients for a character who is learning to cook. but it isn't just going out to find them in the world. no no no. you gotta follow a dog (ftr i love the song) as they slowly meander through a jungle, running into every mob they see. and when you finally get to where the "salt" is, there's a dumb scavenger hunt minigame where you need to find only the 5(?) salt piles that look like the photo. THEN you gotta get on your chocobo and look for mushrooms in a confusing, puzzle-like terrain. which also involves a smelling/follow the direction minigame, which always leads you into mobs. and once you get to each mushroom? there's this STUPID picking minigame. after all that, what reward do you get? an accessory that functions like maybe the worst materia in the game, but also takes up the accessory slot, making it even more unusable. FUCK this game sometimes, lol.

speakin of "fuck this game", the minigames. the 200 minigames (exaggeration, but it really feels like that many). some are genuinely incredible, like the piano minigame? which might be one of my favorite minigames of all time, it's legit THAT good. or "red xiii rocket league". but for every good minigame, there was a mediocre one. and then a terrible one. or one that gets WAY too hard in higher difficulties, like the mog game which starts fun but ends up dogshit and unplayable a few levels in. even tho the good and passable minigames are the majority, the bad minigames? they're maybe some of the worst minigames i've ever played in my goddamn life. like, by design, they're almost anti-fun. i genuinely believe some of the people in charge of the bad minigames should be blackballed from the industry. it's bewildering.

and finally that brings us to the pacing. if you play the game the way they seemingly expect you to play, getting to each new area and sidequesting a bit before continuing on with the story? then you'll spend five hours of mediocre/bad sidequest for each hour of good story. that's even worst if you're a "completionist" at all, you can triple or quadruple that number. we all loved remake because it "expanded the midgar section". we were all hoping they'd do the same with the og open world. the very idea of "big open world, but so much bigger" seemed incredible. but they certainly gave it to us! like they gave us exactly what we said we wanted, lol. when i first started playing rb, i was mostly completing each area. by the second or third area, i was more than 50 hours in. "burnout" is a gross understatement. all the mediocre sidequests combined with the sometimes unplayable minigames ALSO COMBINED with fuckin chudly? and i actually started to hate this game. it made me miserable. i'd get to a new area and just roll my eyes. i'd see a new minigame tutorial pop up and i'd mash "cancel". but wouldn't you know it, once i started skipping most minigames/sidequests? i started havin a ton of fun. turns out this pacing issue can be mitigated a lot. straight up you can ignore most of the open world, and i would actually strongly recommend it. if you DO wanna sidequest a bit between story, i'd say put on a podcast, set the difficulty to easy, and turn the voices down (bc chudly). and don't do everything. oh no. just do enough to unlock the chocobo, to buy the best materia chudly has from that area, and maybe get the summoning. even THAT is probably too much. bc near the end of the game, you get the opportunity to go back and finish a bunch of the stuff you missed the first time. and i actually enjoyed a lotta that stuff then! it was almost like a period of rest and relaxation before the end story stuff.

there are ways, intentional or not, to make this game feel even BETTER than remake. when you skip most of the side stuff, it's paced incredibly well. so it's hard to say it's a bad game. it's actually a really GOOD game with "too much side content". if you treat the open world stuff as just like, a living, detailed world you glance at as you zoom by? it's actually really cool that it's there. i have a couple more pros/cons that i wanna mention, but i don't know where else to put em. like the end fights. thematically, i adored em. in execution, it went on for way way WAY too long. it was like a 15 (yes FIFTEEN) phase fight. on normal, i swear it felt like it took close to two hours, full of unskippable cutscenes and only like one checkpoint. it also takes away al of your team composition too, consistently forcing you to use characters you don't wanna use in the hardest fights in the game. first time, i got through to the very last sliver of final sephiroth's health, only for him to cast some dogshit unblockable "everyone is at 1hp" move at the end. it was ok bc "i'd prepared for this". so i instantly had one character use a gigapotion on the other, who i switched to so they could dodge just to be extra safe. the potion... missed? how? and then before i had a chance to use another, he killed the remaining character. bad game. shit game. but whatever, i hit retry. and i couldn't believe it. it sent me back 7 phases. i was livid. it had sucked the air outta the room. so i said fuck it and restarted the whole fight from the start on easy, because i can't tolerate that kind of scumbag game design that wastes a player's time. and wouldn't you know it, turns out i'd been at the very end of the fight when i died. if the potion had gone off like it shoulda, i would have won, no question. ironically even on easy, that trash situation happened again, but the potion actually went off this time, that was the only difference. but yeah. fuck that fight. it was cooler thematically than the final fight in rm, but it was three times as long, and three times more unfair. fuck whoever designed this fight, they too should be blackballed from the industry, lol.

the last thing i wanna talk about is queens blood. bc my feelings on it are sorta all over. so it starts out kinda boring, like as basic as ff8 triple triad, but wayyy less fun. and you're very limited in who you can play and what cards you can add to your deck. the ai seemingly "cheats", but it's so "linear" that you can win anyhow. and they musta known they'd lose most players, so they legit give you the ability to "flip the game board" at any point in the match and start over with zero punishment. they knew the game wasn't rly fair by design. but it's still good they had the easy retry feature, or they woulda lost me too. the qb experience sorta continues this way until you get to the latter junon area, where suddenly you run into... idk what to call it. intense difficulty spikes? like this dickwad who's playin a rockabilly guitar. FUCK that dude's deck and FUCK his ai. almost single-handedly got me to drop qb altogether. i was absolutely done, had decided qb was just a poorly designed game. thankfully, right after junon they have this big tournament on the boat to costa del sol and it's really fun. you suddenly are getting cards that have actual strategy. and suddenly qb opens up. there was a slight misstep after the boat where they make you play these stupid "puzzle" versions of qb, but you can look up guides and, even if they aren't fun, they help teach you about the game. anyways, i cautiously started playin more matches in later areas (skippin fights that seemed too lame), and before i knew it, i'd kinda fallen in love w the game. it also helped that they started incorporating this fun n bizarre story, too. so idk. i'd say play qb the same way you play the side content, skip a lot of it until you get to the end game? and then go back with cards you bought or won and finish the ones u missed. it's so weird that so much of this game works this way. and i could see someone arguing that "it's just a bad game". because when most games hand you content, even side content, most players expect they should at least give the content a fair shot. it really is kinda poorly executed. but! there are so any ways to mitigate the bad and focus on the good. knowing what i know now, i like this game even more than remake (which i really REALLY love). rebirth was fuckin great. and thank fuck i didn't get spoiled, tho i never wanna hafta try n rush through a 100+ hour open world ever again. i'm really excited for part three, just hopin i can remember to skip over a lotta the optional stuff. also hoping i won't have to buy a fuckin ps6 or whatever just to play it.

[inventedfangirling]

Hi! What r ur thoughts on OhmLeng's Kidnap the series?? I mean we all know Ohm is a great actor and he can have chemistry with a rock if he want. But for some reason the chemistry is unbalanced here?? I might be biased because of my now and forever bad buddy hang over, so I wanted to know your opinion. (This is not an hate ask on the series or ohm, just a genuine question)

First of all, thankyou for asking me that! I didn't know i had this many opinions about the show from that teeny trailer until i wrote this answer hehe.

And to get to my answer yes I kinda get what you mean anon. I also am supremely biased towards ohmnanon's chemistry. That being said i don't think that's the issue here. I just rewatched the trailer again, and idk what they said about the series or if they're adapting this from somewhere, but it really looks like took a bare thread plot and made the trailer and left the actual developing of the story to be done for later. And if that's the case then both actors don't have the entire background and story to give their performances the depth they should have. So it feels like a very surface level performance and not the kinda stuff we know ohm can pull off.

Also I saw this post and in the light of that and the fact that we did not get a kiss in the trailer (not that having a kiss is the be all and end all of a bl or a romantic relationship but still it) makes me wonder if it is in that queerbait bracket after all. What if the showmakers made the trailer in such a way to give us hope but not to guarantee it to us ykwim? Like if you few it from different angles you know you can interpret their actions and their implications in very different ways.

Their dynamic in that scene where ohm is asking leng to take off his brother's gift while having bl undertones, felt more bickering sibling-ey than budding lovers ( i hate that word but i cant think of anything better to use here). That scene right before the end where ohm stretches out his hand to lift leng up and then the nodding with the smiling gave such strong friendship vibes i just could not ignore it. We had the cliche (usually) romantic tending to each other's wounds scene and they ended it on a scene where their faces are super close and towards each other, but that could be the queerbait part of it.

It could also be that the story is all fine and perfect but it's just that as a cast and a pairing they're new to each other and so their chemistry is of course something that cant be compared to what ohmnanon with their years long friendship and acting experience were able to create. Maybe spending more time together working on the project will help iron any and all rough patches out.

So yes long story short i do agree that the chemistry did feel unusual. And i'm mostly attributing it to the actors (and even the showmakers/gmmtv) not knowing which direction to take and just winging it. So for all we know it could be a bl with an excellent romance. Or it could be an unlikely friendship blooming in the midst of adversity story. And ngl, i find the second one far more compelling. There's also the thing that I'd rather watch a kidnappee befriend a kidnapper (however reluctant a kidnapper he was/is) than they become romantic partners. I feel like it could be a much more beautiful meaningful relationship and story that way. But that could also just be the aro-ace in me talking :3

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Hi, what is your favourite pokemon games ranking? If you'd like could you say why you like/dislike them? For example I like pokemon violet not really for the story or the battle mechanic, but because of how easy shiny hunting is

Ah, the hours I've spent playing pokemon games are finally useful. Caveat that some of the games it's been a hot minute since I've played them, so I'm going off memory here.

Also note that I'm just going by the general game, not which version of the release (e.g. Heart Gold, Soul Silver) or the specific color (Gold vs. Silver) or anything like that. We're also not doing the extra/spin-off titles like Pokemon Mystery Dungeons, Hey You Pikachu, or Arceus for that matter.

In order of favorite to least favorite.

Gold/Silver

This gets top slot if only because I remember it more than I do red/yellow/blue (which I played but was a little too young to fully appreciate at the time).

I frequently replay Heart Gold/Soul Silver.

To me this game is peak pokemon. We have puzzles that are actually challenging to solve and a thorough amount of them. The game is appropriately long where the Team Rocket shenanigans, the dungeons, the cave systems, everything takes time and there's always more left to explore.

There's also challenge in battling and catching pokemon I appreciate. Yes, Tentacool, Rattatta, and Pidgy are Poke-God's vermin upon this green earth, but there's something refreshing about being able to have to try to catch things and build your team. Similarly, we get a little boost in experience for one pokemon, but not the entire team as in later gens that gives some challenge in leveling up.

When I defeat the Elite Four it feels like I did something and I'm energized for the post-game content. Which, speaking of, the ability to go to Kanto during the post game to me was just amazing and blew my mind.

It felt as if the game went "here, you liked this? Have another equally good game, have fun."

It's also the last game where you get a rival who's just the worst to you. Silver is a legitimate criminal who commits pokemon theft (which in the pokemon universe is like the worst crime you can possibly commit). He appears at you out of nowhere at the most inconvenient moments and "nope, you don't get to heal your team, fight me now". I enjoy absolutely destroying his team each and every time in a way I just can't when the rival is your derpy childhood friend who's simply annoying.

Team Rocket are actual gangsters in this who are a worrying, corrupt, threat. Upon beating them, I do feel that I saved a lake from giant red mutant Gyrados, or a city from being brainwashed, or any of their very threatening schemes.

Getting the legendaries is a real challenge that you have to work hard to achieve and the story behind them, to me at least, is one of the more compelling ones.

Not to mention I just like the gen 2 pokemon designs, the introduction of the then new types, and all the starters.

God, I love Gold/Silver.

Yellow/Red/Blue

This may have made the top slot if I remembered it slightly better but what I do remember is a very solid game. Yes, we didn't have the diversity of types yet, there's some buggy things, it's the pixel graphics but it has great puzzles, the gyms are very difficult (Brock especially is a challenge if you don't have a Bulbasaur or Squirtle as your starter, a far cry from many of the other games where fire starter all the way baby), a small set of pokemon that's still interesting, and a fearsome Team Rocket.

The gyms were challenging, the Mew-Two subplot was interesting, and it did feel by the end of the game and all the shit you go through you really are a pokemon master.

Pokemon yellow was great in that it allowed you to get the other starters in game in a way that pokemon usually doesn't allow so you have reason to buy both sets of games tee hee. You had your pikachu walking around behind you (which as the first game that did this was very cool as a feature).

And then there's Gary, beautiful Gary, who is the world's biggest shit. He is the most annoying punk in the universe, who never knows what he's talking about, and it's so satisfying to punch him in the proverbial face every time you meet.

"Yes, Gary, I am good at this, please stop mocking me."

Gary to me is one of the best rivals in that while he's not as scary as Silver (who is... very mysteriously questionable in his morals), he's so annoying and purposefully so. You're supposed to hate him and you do.

Ruby/Sapphire

I still really enjoy Ruby and Sapphire and play it often. Again, some of the best puzzles in the series, great terrains to explore in terms of cave systems, the diving feature, mountains, and so on. Here we get the berry system that added a lot to the games, pokemon beauty competitions were new and fun and less annoying, and the scenery started to get very interesting (we got deserts, rainforests, the depths of the ocean, and more).

Team Rocket's slightly dumber in this version in that it's unclear why Team Aqua and Team Magma think their respective ideas are in any way good. Boys, I love land and the ocean too, I don't think we should destroy continents/boil the water. However, you do feel a threat from them and it's difficult to stop them at every turn. What I especially appreciate is we see their plans connect and culminate. You stop one thing and you learn they either got what they needed and they were just toying with you or else this was a plan B they were never that serious about.

As a result, as you go through the game beating gyms they feel like a real, present, and growing threat so that by the time you meet the legendary it feels appropriately legendary and fearsome (the near destruction of the final town was particularly well done).

Like Gold/Silver, this game I felt had really quality post game content and I loved beng able to go on the boat and further explore the ocean.

The Gen 3 pokemon introduce a lot of fun things including Spheal, the glorious Spheal, whom none of us should live without and also a lot of pokemon that speak to the new diversity of landscape in the game (we now have desert pokemon, rainforesty pokemon, seagulls, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALES, and so on).

The tag team battle is an interesting dynamic here and well used and it's a solid game I return to a lot.

More, of the friendly rivals, I'm going to say that Wally and uh your friend's name who I forget are my favorites. We see a lot of growth from Wally as a character throughout the story that makes his constant need to fight and prove himself to you less annoying than most of the other rivals. He actually has a reason to be doing this. Your friend is obnoxious, in that he only shows up to annoyingly battle you and then leaves because he has better shit to do than talk to you, but I kind of like that he's annoying and that he clearly has some kind of inferiority complex going on. The guy has a reason to fight you all the time and be a complete brat about it and while not compelling as Wally and not as interestingly antagonistic as Gary/Silver, he's far from the worst.

Black/White

Black and White earns this spot on account of N and having an actual interesting Team Rocket story going on. N is the first (and only) time I can recall an in-universe character seriously debating the ethics of Pokemon battles. Should people in the Pokemon universe be using Pokemon to fight each other for profit? Should they 'own' Pokemon at all?

You find yourself having actual debates with N as his arguments are frightfully compelling and you as a character have to wonder what you're fighting for, what your relationship with your Pokemon is, and if N is right or not.

Of course, then you learn that N is being manipulated by gangsters who are summoning terrifying creatures, and that thus you were right all along but it doesn't change the fact that N's storyline is by far the one with the most depth and with it Team Rocket of the game's is the one with the most depth as well.

It's a compelling story.

It's also not too easy yet. It's easier than other gens, and I'm starting to become less of a fan of some of the pokemon introduced, but it's still a somewhat challenging game where your rival still has an interesting backstory and motivation and reason to fight you.

To me the world isn't as interesting as Ruby/Sapphire, Gold/Silver, or Red/Blue (not quite as interesting maps, I don't love the Pokemon as much) but it was a solid game and I'd play it again to refresh my memory.

Diamond/Pearl

And this is where we start our descent downwards into what Pokemon has become today.

It's telling that this one is actually hard for me to remember when I played Brilliant Diamond very recently.

I actually appreciate that this is one of the last games where we're still in Poke Japan as I find the Poke World thing that's been going on since... kind of gimmicky and very unnecessary. So, it's nice that Sinnoh hasn't really become that yet.

The game's starting to get a lot easier than previous games, your rival is now very forgettable and just kind of shows up to either a) annoy you with encouraging words then fight you anyway then tell you how amazing you are b) show up to annoy you.

Team Rocket... exists, they're not entirely stupid like later games but what they're up to doesn't feel that memorable either that I... welll... actually remember it.

To me this was just a really forgettable gen that added some interesting new pokemon but not enough to draw me back anytime soon to this game specifically. I would much rather play the ones listed above.

X/Y

Poke France, here we come. We now get a lot of features I just don't care about such as being able to accessorize my avatar.

It's not as bad as some of the later ones in terms of Team Rocket plot, but I was never entirely sure why we thought destroying the world was a good thing in the first place (versus earlier gens having just evil gangsters, hilarious environmentalists, or poor poor N).

I really liked the legendary design here and the end of the world did feel quite chilling when we got that far. The gyms weren't really memorable to me, nor were the pokemon introduced in the gen, and it's just a game that really starts to pale in comparison to the other gens.

It's not bad, not as bad as the ones below it, but this was a game I played and wondered if I should buy the next gen or not.

Scarlet/Violet

Previous thoughts on Scarlet/Violet.

This earns this spot for being less annoying than Sword/Shield and much better than Sun/Moon. That's it. That's why we're here. If this was all the Pokemon series had to offer I would never have bought another game.

The puzzles are virtually non-existent or laughably easy, because of how experience can be earned the game is ridiculously easy in terms of leveling up, gym battles, etc. Type matchups are no longer a problem as it's ridiculously easy to get powerful pokemon in any environment pretty damn early in the game.

The plot is hilarious but awful in that we get these three plotlines that are just... bad...

You have Nemona who just shows up to battle you then leave and wants you for a rival when she's already Champion because I guess everyone else sucks that hard. You have the plot line where you bully cosplaying nerds to get back to school because of a really hamfisted plot about abuse of power/bullying that is just begging me to feel something about Team Star (I do not), and Arvin's robo-dad who... am I supposed to like him? Am I supposed to think he was a good father deep down? The robo dad plot was the icing on the cake as it hinted at a better game: the game in which we work with the professor and Jurassic Park happens as he keeps summoning pokemon from the goddamn future like a lunatic (but of course we will not get that game in pokemon).

To make it seem like there's a lot to do, you have the Titans, the gyms, and the Team Star thing all happening at once but to accomodate them all happening at once they're all uninteresting/very easy if you're leveled appropriately.

While it's nice to be able to actually catch insanely powerful pokemon you never can otherwise (I actually got all Eevolutions, that never happens, along with a Gyrados, a Dragonite, a Blissey, a Hypno, and a whole bunch of Pokemon that are stupid hard to get usually) it also means that Gyrados are now the Rattatatta of the sea and building a team of gods is... really really really easy.

The open world is a nice thought, but I don't think it complemented the game in that it really did want you to be certain levels for things and there wasn't enough content to justify wandering around. Gotta have the interesting side quests if you want the open world.

I finished the game, saw there was post-game content in which I could... evaluate gyms or whatever I'm doing, and I happily logged off and went on to play Kirby instead.

That said, Pokemon is shifting towards a younger and younger audience (and perhaps rightfully so) and I can recognize that as someone's first serious game where they have to read and solve puzzles this is much less frustrating than previous gens were and perhaps what said audience is looking for.

And hey, I finally got a shiny for the first time in my life, so that's wild.

(I also thing tetralyzing or whatever is dumb, but it's less dumb than some of the others.)

Sword/Shield

Here because it's better than Sun/Moon but... that's really it.

This was like the trial run of open world in Pokemon in that you have the big open area in the middle. The thing is, that place is mostly just frustrating as even if you beat something more powerful than you, you won't be allowed to catch it because reasons.

Once again this game was so easy it became boring. I could switch out pokemon whenever I liked, They all gained ridiculous amounts of experience from battles, I could capture very powerful pokemon very easily int he open area. It took the challenge out of the game and for me the fun.

Add to that that this felt... really really gimmicky to me. The gym leaders went from forgettable to utterly insufferable, your pink rival who becomes adopted by a gym leader is no exception, Team Rocket is just an annoying group of die hard sports fans who won't leave this one girl and her Frakenstein Pikachu alone.

The whole game tries too hard to get me to like all the characters, that there are no bad characters, and it just makes it really hard to get through.

And then we have the even dumber version of tetralyzing: pokemon become real swol sometimes. They just... become really really big. And while I appreciate the graphics I just don't care.

(And I really don't care about the raid battles in general, I tried to do them for a bit as I thought they would be helpful, but the game was so easy I didn't need them and in the end I just found them annoying.)

As a result, I didn't even end up finishing. I couldn't do it. I asked myself why I was playing and then realized I wasn't having fun and moved onto a different game, I have not returned.

Sun/Moon

This one was just real bad all around.

I didn't get far into it but the gym battle system was actively obnoxious, the new gen pokemon weren't interesting, even the map itself just wasn't as fun as other games.

While the concept of the same pokemon having different types in different regions was a neat one, it wasn't enough to pull me into the game with everything else about it.

I got even less far into this than I did Sword/Shield.

[xxmoonch1ldxx]

I'm so grateful for this community, for the amount of nice people there are here and how accepting everyone is, but I've got to say, there's one thing I'm most grateful of.

This is just a long emotional rant so skip this if you wish, but I need to let it out my chest.

I've been going through a bad depressive episode; so much so that I even started taking meds for it. It started getting a little better, the meds were finally working a little and that's when I encountered Smosh.

I didn't imagine I'd ever fall this deep. I've had hypergixations before, dozens, but never in this way, and I didn't imagine it'd be about them. It was a complete accident, me stumbling on the we bought smosh video and just being curious.

Not for the first time, this new hyperfixations on two grown men with an adorable friendship made me want to write because everything is gay and that's because I decided so. Therefore, as I often do, I started writing a little on this new hyperfixation. Usually, I just end up giving up or writing a few fics before going back to my two other main fandoms (monsta x and bts, for those wondering). However, I decided that I needed help and a better opinion; I scrolled through the ianthony tag and fell on @lilac-hecox 's blog. She wasn't the first one I saw, but the one I felt compelled to write to, so I did. And I assumed she'd either blow me off or we'd just end up talking a bit before never talking again as this usually happens.

I wasn't ready to meet someone so fantastic and someone who I would very quickly deeply care about. I'm someone who hates texting consistently, who ends up panicking after a few days of thinking I got this and am socially capable because my social anxiety takes the reign. And yet, we started talking every day, of wayyyy more than just fics. And I found in her the kindest of soul, the most loving and funniest one. Someone who's not only amazing, but also, loves just like I do. And I don't mean romantically, I have a bf for that, but I mean someone who isn't afraid to be open and vulnerable if it means I also get to be with her. I'm someone like Ian usually, someone who looks anthipathic and who is a bit more stoic than most people, but with her, it's different. I laugh all the time and she's someone who literally heard me cry and comforted me while I did so. Which is a fucking miracle because I very rarely cry and hate showing the most vulnerable parts of me.

But she's always there, everyday, to make me laugh and talk. She's one of the kindest, most generous person I've ever met. She sent me a fucking box full of little things and American chocolate (I'm canadian) because I've said once I wanted to try. She bought us matching bracelets, one that I wear all the time and never take off. Hell, I'm getting a tattoo referencing her in two weeks.

And this is kinda crazy because we only started talking in August, but this feels right. I feel like I've known her all my life. And really, I say this in the most platonic of ways, but she truly is like my soulmate. She's one of the most talented writer I've ever met, too, and she helped me through that healing phase of mine. I've started writing a lot and posting, too, which I had stopped doing when I started being too depressed. She makes me believe that life is worth living and that there are genuinely good people around, still. She's not only kind to me but to others, too! Just in general, to everyone she knows, she's present and just so implicated in everything. She changed many people's life for the better with her job, too, without going into details, but that's amazing. She's the kind of person I wanna grow up to be when I'm at her age and she just aspires me to get better every day.

So I guess, all that to say, thank you to Smosh for allowing me to meet this gorgeous girl and establishing the ground of our friendship. Lilac is truly one of my best friends and someone who makes me feel alive in the best ways; I see her when the skies are orange, when I see kids playing in the street and having fun and in the stray cats wandering among my neighbourhood. I love you, dude, and I'm just so glad we met. Thank you for existing, really, because you make my life and a lot of others' better by simply being there and being your sunny self.

You're the Ian to my Anthony and the sun to my moon. I love you so much, pookie, and I'll never let you go. Promise one day we'll meet up for real <3

[rainbowdaisy13]

'Put narcotics into all of my songs / And that's why you're still singing along' = the narcotics are the Easter Eggs ~~ many fans wait for the songs like gossip, to be in the inner circle ~~ Easter Eggs are a programming tool for her to keep the fans occupied, while she moves like a deranged billionaire

~~ many ex swifties felt leaving the fandom was like being deprogrammed from a cult. they got 'shunned' by friends and family members who are still in the cult too. you very rarely get visceral reactions like this from fans of other artists. if you tell them you don't enjoy their fav artists anymore, you get an okay and everyone moves on ~~ Taylor successfully ingrained into the fans' minds that if you don't like her you're a misogynist. so they feel compelled to agressivley defend her. the worst thing you can do is criticize her for her shitty actions. she never apologizes, she usually weaponizes parts of her fandom against each other to take the heat off of her ~~ the post about Vienna was the most recent example of that (many threads online deconstruct that message for what it really is). but she also weaponizes hetlors against gaylors, when gaylors step out of line and get too loud for her internalized homophobia to manage ~~ endorsing Kamala now will be a weapon she'll give 'blind believers' against those who doubted her. it'll be a power play to cement into the cult members' minds that they should never doubt her. this thing with Brittany is a test run to see how much of a chokehold she has on her cult.

~~some critics earlier this year had to write articles under a pseudonym for fear of retaliation like death threats, harassment to their families and friends. only whistleblowers do that. she knows how vicious her fandom is. she made them this way, she encouraged it once or twice even. she uses this huge cult to scare others into submission. when a critic comes along many comments are 'you're very brave' like they're criticzes some dictator but the backlash can feel like that.

~~even with Karlie, she knows what she's doing. not taking the heat off of her is a form of control — with a few small actions I ruined your reputation for years, one actual word against you and it's over. if you do stay in line the way I want you to though, eventually I will come through

~~ Taylor isn't a complicated creature at all. It's all out there if you're willing to expand out of the cult.

As for me, this is all conjecture, this is all guessing, screaming into the void as I have no direct source to Taylor and have never claimed to

A lot of what you said I agree with—I do feel like I went through a few days of shock realizing I have been participating in cult like behavior for years—it’s a hard pill to swallow but just because it’s unpleasant to accept doesn’t mean we should pretend everything’s fine and this is all part of her PLAN—even if it is, this plan is fucking awful & shouldn’t be praised *just* because it’s Taylor