#I don't think I've fully processed it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sisterjaniswilde · 1 year ago

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#buddydolly #tag commentary #I lost my sister in march #I don't think I've fully processed it #I keep doing that thing where when something really bad happens I just pretend I'm fine and go on with life like nothing is wrong #we had a really strained relationship because of her addiction issues #and I was planning on going no contact if I moved out #I haven't sat down for 5 months #we had an empty birthday party for her on her birthday in september and I still have a piece of the cake in my fridge #I can't eat it #I miss her so much #I wanted her to get better so badly #I just want to go out to eat with her and hear her laugh #I just keep thinking of how I'll never get to show her comedy specials I like again #she'll never get to laugh again #like there's still good things left here but like #fuck #there's so much that reminds me of her #there's so much I wish I could show her #and she'll never see it #and it's worse that I don't even know if she would care #at times it was like I didn't have a sister at all #I just hope she's okay wherever she is #grief

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grandcovenant · 10 months ago

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who's pulling the strings of the puppet king?

#lies of p #lies of p romeo #king of puppets #lies of p geppetto #fanart #digital art #hi hello do you think romeo was fully conscious when geppetto enacted law zero (?through him?).#i think about these two a lot... i don't tend to jump straight to the 'deal with the devil' part because there's something about--#--two people with nothing in common but the empty space between them. world's worst grief bonding situation!!!#and there's something a lot more compelling about that to me. and that's not even mentioning the grand covenant in the room--#merits its own post or something else. (because i think about it more than anything ever.)#tl;dr i would kill carlo myself if i got to witness them having the most painfully unpleasant conversation ever had by two people.#anyway i should comment on art process too huh.#the gist of it is if no one got me i know red and black got me.#it's my Old Reliable. i've been nearly gnawing my hands off from. not managing to get anything done in a way i liked so i went back.#i feel better now.... :-)#anyway. worst in-laws ever <3

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chimerafeathers · 4 months ago

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there's an essay jumbled up in my brain about dunmeshi's beginning and how clever and deceptive it is as a sleight-of-hand trick that distracts the audience from the depth and scope of the worldbuilding and foreshadowing that's being set up the entire time by dangling zany characters and wacky dishes and biology fun facts in front of us, and how that serves to catch invested viewers off guard when those elements come to the forefront, but also how it works against it with other viewers wanting "more" and not seeing it because the plot bait isn't laid out up front

how people getting frustrated with the characters "not taking things seriously" is mirrored and refuted in the confrontation between Laios and Shuro. how the characters' attitudes aren't just a result of shallow low-stakes "comedy rules" where nothing matters, but are an extension of their personalities (Laios's nonstandard expression of emotions being offputting even to people he knows) and the world and social environment (adventurers being desensitized to death and injury because resurrection magic is commonplace). the way the party refers to "saving Falin" instead of "retrieving Falin's corpse," indicating that they still see her with full personhood, and how that phrasing leads to some readers/viewers believing that Falin is alive in the dragon's stomach, conscious of being slowly digested while the party carelessly fucks around "wasting time." how the weird tonal dissonance makes sense in-universe and yet is deliberately challenged more and more the deeper the party goes

all the character building and pieces of lore slowly weaving together the shape of the larger world, laying the groundwork for the major themes that will surface later. so much is right there in the "low-stakes" early episodes if you know what you're looking for (or pass the perception checks).

it can be so satisfying to see new viewers/readers pick up on the clues even in the earliest "simple" episodes, or notice new things and make connections yourself....and it can also be frustrating to see people dismiss oddities and dissonance as shallow or bad writing because they don't expect a "cooking anime" to have depth like that. why try to question and understand and peel back the layers when you don't expect there to be any layers?

why can't laios take things seriously for once?

#mypost #i'm majorly out of practice for doing any real critical cohesive writing lol #trying to put this into coherent words has been such a mess so here's a vague gesture at my thought process about it #it's both my favorite and the most frustrating thing to see #because i've seen SO MANY people say they dropped the show after a couple eps thinking they know what it's about and where it's going #a cute but ultimately unsustainable gimmick #people for whom the characters and the food/biology infodumping weren't enough of a hook #but i wouldn't change anything about the structure to put a more obvious plot hook in the beginning #because it would give the game away TOO much #i LOVE how the audience has to acclimate to the characters' attitudes about death #only for our assumption that it's all normal and fine in this world to be thrown back in our faces #how we're left to notice the winged lion appearing in statues and carvings and coins and armor in the background #long long before it's ever brought up as a real entity by the plot #the history of the kingdom laid out in plain view but nevermind that. magic painting food!#i've seen the language around falin and her resurrection cause so much confusion #but of COURSE the characters involved wouldn't directly say 'we need to get her corpse to revive it'#bc pragmatically they already understand that as their goal. it doesn't need to be stated out loud; it's just how this process works.#but also they don't SEE her as an object. a dead body.#they need to 'save her before she's digested.' 'the spell couldn't reach her in the dragon's stomach.' 'hang in there falin'#death isn't real to them. not really. and so it doesn't quite feel real to the audience either #not until they find her skull and that realization slams home #like......i keep comparing it to gravity falls #which is episodic and goofy in the beginning but also has a much more obvious plot hook to keep people interested #(a main character entering a secret bunker indicating that he's lying about his ignorance of the town's mysteries)#the main characters in gravity falls are AWARE that there is a mystery to be solved and are trying to find more information #but i don't think that approach would work as well for dm!#laios's goals were never that lofty. not until they HAD to be because the situation demanded it of him #it's the characters trying to solve one personal problem and finding themselves entrenched in something vast and dramatic #that they weren't even fully AWARE of when they set out. and we the audience are on that journey with them!#it's SUCH a good structure i wouldn't trade it for anything. but also. tragic to see people give up and dismiss it so fast.

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theinfinitedivides · 11 months ago

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they f*cking killed him.

#lee sun kyun #lee sun gyun #i'm still shaking rn i don't think i've processed what those headlines mean. i haven't even fully read the articles bc i scrolled #down to where they found him and had such a visceral reaction to the briquettes (bc. Jonghyun.) i can't touch that. no #God. this is what they've done. they thought they could ruin his f*cking career and get away with no consequences his blood #is on their f*cking hands. everything they accused him of has no solid evidence he had a wife and two kids for f*ck's sake #A Million Roses playing as i got the news................... this world hates me that's a different kind of evil f*ck this #edit: and Epik High's Amor Fati in the queue. i'm not doing well

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goldkirk · 9 months ago

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I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!

#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING #IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN #HA #MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF #and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders #that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self #ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief #a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?'#tone “No!” of disbelief #and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it.#that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me #and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.”#was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf #anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally #now i see what the past several months but especially especially #the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January #were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong #...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not #a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side #and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like #i rationally say I trust them to have and do.#and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha #they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y #anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet #trauma evolution #shh katie #personal #my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic.#add to journal #abuse

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wereh0gz · 1 year ago

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I'm definitely not the only queer person who's kinda wary of Christian ppl they encounter online right?

Like I see a profile that clearly states they're Christian and they post like Bible verses and shit and I'm just. Hoping they're not queerphobic. Or saying some dumbass shit like "hate the sin love the sinner" or whatever while pretending that's not queerphobic

If they're interacting with me first it's pretty safe to assume they're not gonna be like that bc I'm very obviously queer (🏳️‍🌈 + pronouns in bio) but if it's someone who hasn't interacted with me at all I kind of instinctively avoid interacting with them out of fear of them being that way. Y'know

#ramblings #i think it's bc even tho i've never been religious and my family isn't like a super uptight christian family #i have encountered a preacher who was homophobic and transphobic before #he's puerto rican too which just makes me disappointed in my people tbh #i grew up surrounded by a lot of accepting ppl both within and outside of the family #as well as a couple gay/trans ppl #i was always taught that that's just the way some ppl are and that we should respect that #even if we didn't fully understand everything and weren't up to date with the latest most accepted terminology and stuff #ppl were just respectful and let others be themselves #so it's extremely hard for me to understand why other ppl would be queerphobic #i mean. i kinda get it. it what they were taught growing up. just how i was taught to be accepting and respectful #but why ppl would continue to teach that to their kids and perpetuate queerphobia is really what i don't get #like. accepting that ppl different from you exist and that's ok isn't going to kill you #maybe learn abt the world from other sources besides the bible and try to see different perspectives #instead of shutting yourself off to just one way of thinking and hurting ppl in the process #anyways. i think it's also bc i've seen too many really religious ppl on the internet who are also queerphobic #and they have these big platforms of ppl who support them and share their views #and like. i shouldn't generalize. but they paint an ugly image of christians in general #also like. christians throughout history don't have the cleanest track record #but i know a lot of christians nowadays aren't like that. in fact i'm willing to say most aren't #but still it's like. better be safe than sorry y'know #idk man

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crow-talks-hockey · 10 months ago

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i can't decide which... it hurts either way

#colorado avalanche #erik johnson #gabriel landeskog #692 #sorry feeling sad about them again ahahahaha.... :(#i still don't think i've fully processed that they're never gonna play another game together on the same team again #it just hurts too much to try and comprehend that

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bombusbombus · 10 days ago

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They diagnosed me with liking comics disease

#i don't think ive ever thought about anything more in my entire life #genuinely it's probably right below thinking about food #I'm sick with it. there are gutters dividing the moments of my life #there are gutters dividing the weeks #it's like if i just get a little bit closer to the medium I can step inside #it's like I can understand a language but can barely speak it #my first language. I'm trying to speak it.#the panels crawl under my skin and the speech bubbles writhe in my gut and can someone die from this #can someone shed their skin and spread their wings from this #I'm heady with overexposure and waiting for a turning point that will never come where it somehow all falls away #stops being hours of my life and starts being one pure point of knowledge #no idea what's supposed to happen then. time shouldnt exist.#if I read enough comics -- *dissect* enough comics -- practice the language of scriptwriting --#if I process it all right I'll turn it into a diamond of certain knowledge. and then the perfect comic will pop fully formed out of my mind #the comic that all the others were building up to. the holotypical comic.#<- I forgot the right word for the version of something that is the best. but this is funnier #either way idk why my mental illness has decided this is actually going anywhere.#all I've got is a document titled “KILL THE FAIRY QUEEN” and 430 xmen comics in the past 3 months #and a bookshelf that's a little bit past capacity #dont even have a good grip on the language yet smh #i feel like im going to die Alien chestburster style and it'll be a speech bubble bursting out of me instead #you can spend thousands and thousands of hours on comics without even scratching the surface #and I haven't. i haven't scratched it yet

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humlase · 4 months ago

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Someone give him a forehead kiss right this instant.

#wanted to draw Neil's healing process post baltimore #I'm posting the first two part separately because they're a bit more bloody and I think I should have a content label on them #I think so atleast?? I still don't know how content labels work :(#Like I've seen worse and considering the fandom this should be fine but I just want to be safe #do let me know if I should change it though #I'm planning on doing two more for the puffy healing state and the fully healed but I'll see how it goes #one will have his hair up because I can't help myself :33 #Also this is the first time I don't draw Neil in a cartoony style so that's fun #what a man #going to put him in a blender #aftg #neil josten #aftg fanart #neil josten fanart #aftg neil #aftg art

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doverstar · 1 month ago

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joseph gordon-levitt called jim hawkins "just a very good-looking wasp of a boy that I will never be" and I've been thinking about that for two weeks

#even he was like “okay this was intentional”#and yes. every Jim Thing was SO intentional. I've read every scrap of material on the movie's creation and process I can get my eyeballs on #and I think one of the reasons I like Jim so much is that every single thing they did with him they were excited about #they were so passionate about it. they wanted to do things with his eyes and hands and expressions-#-that they said they hadn't tried yet because they wanted jim to be as real as they could get him to be #surrounded by all these not-so-real looking worlds and aliens #because his struggles were realistic and his season in life was so relatable in the story #they did model him off jimmy dean but they also modeled him off of joseph gordon-levitt and the poses and faces he'd make #JGL was SEVENTEEN when he voiced jim. he was not fully grown #jim was so “good-looking” as an animated character not just because of how he was drawn but because he himself is supposed to be so raw/rea #and that instinctively makes you like him more. plus. he IS drawn a specific way #and he IS cute don't get me wrong (he is a child)#but there's something about writing a character as true to life as you can #and trying to express something very real through that character that people can understand and care about #in order to make a true point #that sticks to people and influences them. and that's what happened with Jim #it's like Percy Jackson or Holden Caulfield #no I have never been claimed as a child of a Greek god and exploded a toilet #no I have never gotten expelled repeatedly or mugged in the 1950s #but I do know what it's like to want deep connections with people and despair of getting them #and I do know what it's like to wish I could get something right #Percy and Holden AND JIM all express those things at one point or another #they express other things too. they feel very REAL. so you listen to them and you connect with them #and just like with real people you look at them and they become more attractive to you (both literally and figuratively)-#-as you get to know them and understand them better #that's how you characterize #that's good writing #and in Jim's case good ANIMATING too #continually blown away by the massive amount of energy and thought and buckets and buckets of INTENTION that went into Treasure Planet #and it was not released at the proper time to get the attention it should've gotten

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mosspapi · 4 months ago

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My mother really likes the rug I'm making for my apartment and said she's genuinely considering commissioning some from me. And like. I seriously deeply appreciate the thought and the fact that she likes it so much that she not only wants one of her own but will pay me for it too, but I don't think she realizes that actually doesn't do anything. "My" bank account is still owned by, managed, and accessed by her and my father. She can put money in or take money out whenever she wants. She sees all of the transactions that go thru it. If she pays me for it she's just moving her own money from one of her accounts to another one of her accounts but this time I know it exists. It's not MY money even if she pays "me".

#tw abuse in tags #idk man I've argued with them abt this like 179447 times and it never goes anywhere #for some reason she thinks the problem is that I don't pay my own credit card bills and not the fact that-#-I literally have NO financial independence and zero financial literacy #like I can't fully explain how entirely dependent I am on them financially. I'm a uni student who's too disabled to work. the only way I-#-can earn money is thru my ko-fi. which is linked to 'my' bank acc. which my parents own and control.#I don't know how to do anything with a bank or money or bills etc. I had to Google how to use an ATM just a few months ago. I'm in my 20s.#I have a lot of cognitive issues and even tho I'm Technically not intellectually disabled I cannot process or understand most 'basic' thing #including anything involving money. and they refuse to teach me even the bare minimum.#and I'm ngl it's scary. I don't want to be 100% dependent on borderline abusers for my entire life but I literally don't know how to do-#-anything else. and it freaks me out #idk man it's just. it's a lot #armchair speaks #tw implied abuse

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yuu33 · 5 months ago

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