#I don't know... I'm just such a worthless fuck up
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Radiant Dawn Play Through 01
I beat Radiant Dawn (FIrst Playthrough) yesterday.
Notes: A-Rank with IkeSoren transferred from PoR. THis file was to set up a completely fresh NewGame+ with my own stat boosters from PoR. I will be playing NewGame+ on stream.
Radiant Dawn is kind of a mess, but I think it's even more of a mess on your first playthrough, which is probably the only playthrough people are ever going to do. I'm thankful for save states from GameFAQs, but I wanted to challenge myself this year.
(This is all based on the US Version of the game.)
Hard Mode is worthless and while in Japanese there was an extended script in Hard Mode, I would not wish that on anyone. I'm never doing hard mode in this game.
The English version lets you class change at level 20. Note, the Japanese version does not. You need master crowns for anyone you want to take to the end.
The English version has special weapons for the Dawn Brigade (that are canon in FEH which is incredibly funny) but the JP version does not. I can not imagine playing these games without the boosted weapons for The DB.
The second half of Radiant Dawn, without Pelleas, without a conclusion to Izuka, without the conversations about the Branded and the weight they have on the world is absolutely pale. I really think they should have just asked you if you wanted to replay from the point you have to kill Pelleas, rather than having to restart all over. There are no script differences before this point.
Not knowing the true identity of the Prince of Daien is wild. It's such an empty area. The biggest difference is that Almedha is depressed and listless for the rest of the game. We don't get a conclusion for her, she is just unhappy and her whole life was one mistake after the other.
If you don't deply the BK, you don't get Ike's memories back. It's weird.
Lehran dying is so funny to me because bitch deserves it but also I think it's WAY funnier for him to go "Zelgius is waiting..." and in new game+ Micaiah goes "PSYCHE!!!!" and doesn't let him die. Zelgius is STILL waiting, like, 700+ years later.
On that note, Yune being like "oh, Lehran I'm sorry. I understand having hatred for both the Laguz and Beorc. I was too callous" is so funny. Everyone has hatred in their heart in this game, but knowing to grow out of it is what matters.
I understand this game came out in 2005 and like, replaying the game was a thing, I guess? But in order to get Soren's special conversation, even if you transfered files, requiring TWO playthroughs because gay boys can't have anything is so funny.
I am glad there's still some paired endings, but the game really needed more conversations between characters.
Give Soren boss convos in Endgame.
Anyway, here's some screenshots from my run.
Ilyana about to fuck up PEEPAW!!
My top 3. I have NO idea how Nephenee became queen of the battlefield, but you go girl.
If you don't save Lehran/newgame+, Ike and Soren swap places. (I do not know if Ranulf takes Soren's spot here, or if his portrait stays near Skrimirs if you A-Rank them.)
Me being absolutely mad I can't talk to my little guy:
Ike about to fuck up a bird.
Also, interesting. Is Lehran the first laguz to use weapons?
And finally, here are Ike and Soren's capped out stats.
That's the power of love, baby.
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Always hungry, always broke, and always having my mom toss a new catastrophe my way... but never actually being given control of the money despite the fact that I've been able to hold on to my stimulus checks all these years only spending them on emergencies, but she blows her disability and wracks up credit card debt
But see... she'd feel like a child if she had to ask for money for things... it's much better when she has full control so she can do things like spend $300 on microtransactions in a single month
Then my grandma gets mad at me for having to help with money cause I don't have a job, and if I just had a job it would be fine (and no doubt I'm pretty shit for not working despite not having anything wrong with me)
When I get stuff cleaned up my mom just uses it as a new spot to dump trash so... there's no point
I provide nothing to the world, I have no talents or skills, everything I do is wrong, and I'm just kind of a drain on the world despite having nothing stopping me from actually doing shit except my poor character
...kinda hemming and hawing on ordering this cause even $18 is a hell of a lot of money to spend on killing myself unless I'm actually gonna do it. If I get it and then keep putting it off... well then that money would have been real better spent elsewhere
...but on the other hand this can't keep continuing... maybe I can take the money I was trying to save up to buy a new mic so I can actually talk to people and spend it on this instead
#then there's the bathroom which both... I've asked plumbers to help with over and over when they've been doing stuff like#installing the water heater or installing my mom's new toilet... but they just... never do#and then... I've asked my mom a number of times to get someone out but she never does#and now I kinda can't even ask because like... ok; the pipe's got mold in it but I guess I can be like 'that's why I asked you here'#but also one of the cat's had diarrhea and decided to keep going next to the toilet instead of the cat box; which is probably my fault#but now... I can't fucking keep up with it and... I can't ask a plumber out with cat shit on the floor#but I can't fucking deal with it; I keep meaning to on trash day; but I'm always too tired and also only have 2 sponges left to deal with i#and I'm just such filth that I haven't even been able to bother changing my bedsheets in like a year#which honestly isn't even that abnormal; that's how it's always been even when I was little#I don't know... I'm just such a worthless fuck up#and people will sometimes offer money but it's like... money doesn't help; I've got that stimulus check sitting in the bank#these are systemic problems I need to fix#but I can't; it's beyond me; I give up; I need to die#nothing of value will be lost#people think it will; but they're wrong#and maybe I'm also just a selfish asshole like everyone's always saying about suicidal people#I don't know... I just keep getting worse; and then I adjust stuff to make it keep working; but then I get worse#I need to hurry up and die#and I finally have a method with a high enough success rate so... probably should bite the bullet and order it#especially when it has legit uses so there's a cover story#man I'm sick of being hungry; sick of being so fucking worthless and incompetent that I can't make myself food once I'm out of cheese powde#and even if I ask for help... well my mom's not hungry so fuck me#I need to die already; I'm so inadequate and never get a damn thing right#everything I do I fucking fail
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#I struggled so hard today#and for no apparent fucking reason#I struggled with something at work that I've done for the first time while also constantly task switching#and I STILL NOTICED MY MISTAKE#but the fact that I made a mistake in the first place is fucking killing me#I feel like I will be executed for it#it makes my skin crawl#and to know that I'll have to go up to another human being who I respect deeply and be like hey I made a mistake please don't hate me#is the first fucking thing#BUT IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE#part of science is noticing your own mistakes so why is this so terrible to me#I know upbringing bla#yes I was raised to believe that among all other things I'm smart#and I have had this proven to me over and over and over growing up#so when I actually struggle with something I can no longer be smart therefore I am nothing#utterly worthless#and nobody even meant me any harm by telling me I was smart#this is such a STUPID FUCKING problem to have#uh I was told I'm smart#bitch what#yes being yelled at from 10 through 28 by my father for completely unpredictable reasons did not help with me thinking this is terrible#BUT STILL#get your shit together#see and even now I'm beating myself up for struggling with something#URGH#I just want peace and not existential dread whenever I make a mistake that is definitely my fault#personal#so and if you've actually made it till down here I'm giving you a big hug#we'll make it somehow
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vent ⬇️
#oc#I was out drinking last night for my fiancee's birthday and this guy was talking to us and I stopped and took a picture with him#because he said he was gonna give us free tacos from his taco truck#so I'm like posing with him outside the truck and he puts his arm around me and grabs my ass#and he reached up my shorts and put his finger in my fucking asshole#and I let him touch me for like 30 seconds while my fiancee was standing right there because I was drunk and I just fucking froze#literally didn't stop him until he was inside me#and THEN I freaked out and started crying and ruined the night#I just feel like a total piece of shit#I'm such a worthless fucking idiot#I'm sorry I don't know why im posting this here I just feel like I have more of a community here so. if anyone's experienced#something similar and/or you have any words of support I'd really appreciate hearing from you#I'm not in a good place I think I'm overreacting because of csa trauma#idk
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#jhhh I'm so fucking scared#im so exhausted and tired and i do not think i will pull this off#trying to move tomorrow and i. i have some help but#ii don't know if it's enough#I don't know if I've thought of everything in fact i know i haven't#and I'm so scared something I've missed is going to fuck me over#im trying so fucking hard I swear#i swear i swear i swear#ii just want this to work i just want something i do to finally work i#......i want help and i swear I'm trying so hard to ask for it but I'm so bad and it's so hard to find regardless#what if it's not enough what if I'm not enough what if i can't park what if i can't move everything what if#what if i didn't make a request to the damn place what if they don't let me do stuff tomorrow it was so hard getting this much help at all#ii don't think i can do it again *certainly* not in time#fuck fuck fuck fuck I'm so goddamn panicked I need to sleep but i CAN'T#gghhhh#....everything hurts so damn bad#iim barely gonna be able to help tomorrow i....#i hate this i hate being so useless#worthless just taking up space i#ffuck#im so tired
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i just rememberd adhd meds exist and now im upset because i could have that if it wasn't for that freakin neurologyst we went to see that told us it was impossible that i could have adhd because i have good grades in school. literally the ONLY question he asked me and immediately said it was impossible. we spent like 5 minutes there. he could've at least... explained something???? anything?????? and now i'd feel bad about asking my parents to see another neurologist because that costs a lot of money :((
#now im just unable to concentrate on anything and feeling very worthless#ok gonna start rambling here a bit#vent? ->#i'm just not good at anything except drawing. everything is hard and i don't think i'm capable of getting a job and contributing to society#in any way except drawing. my self worth is being held almost entirely by my ability to draw.#but i'm also incredibly slow and unproductive and it's so hard sitting down and starting a drawing and finishing that drawing#drawing is the thing that makes me feel alive and feel good about myself so when i can't draw i just feel really awful#i just wish i could concentrate and work and be productive man. why do i have so much stuff going on in my brain. why is everything so hard#sadge 😔😔#ok gonna try to draw i hope something cool comes out or i'm throwing my computer out the window and playing videogames#oh also another neurologist once told me depression can't be caused by school#i'm pretty sure it can but idk im not a doctor#what is up with these neurologists man#i know it's gonna get better tho. life might suck but i *am* a teenager and it's only gonna go up from here.#im still learning about myself and stuff. also no school next year that's gonna be awesome#don't wanna end on a sad note bc life is good actually#and i'm fucking amazing at drawing
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I'm once again wondering if I should just find a super-popular ship I can stomach writing, simply so I'll have Lots Of Interaction and therefore, a higher likelihood of Lots Of Validation. Surely this is a very healthy way to think about art, especially the kind I am doing as a fun side hobby :) :) :)
#what can I say I suffer from 'tell me I'm not worthless' disease#<-it's because I grew up being told by the people around me that nothing I had to say was valuable#I have GOT to start singing again. making writing my Creative Outlet™ is noooooot working#mc13's complicated relationship with art#idk I've just been...feeling really alienated from the entire rest of humanity lately#it's genuinely like I don't belong anywhere? that I can't do like. anything right basically. I would love to not feel like this.#I know I joke about this but maybe I DID crawl into an eldritch cave as a child and become incompatible with material reality#I don't know how else to explain whatever the fuck is going on
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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How are we having "lowest in a decade" unemployment rates yet literally over half of who I know, and even myself, for a very long time literally have been unable to find jobs.
Like. How are these equating because last I checked no motherfucker is hiring out here despite the signs
#BEGINNER#unskilled#i speak#btw i know the hiring signs are often just scams by the owner to make you not feel bad at the severely overworked staff and their mistakes#but seriously like 98% of jobs will not respond or you mention having any kind of personality trait they don't like and they immediately#burn your resumr#resume#or they'll suddenly thrn around and say you're not qualified. FOR SUPPOSED JOBS ???? like are these jobs labor ornot#make up your damn mind I'm tired of the constant change in how you're gonna exploit us and deem us worthless#like that dropping unemployment rate has got to be a lie because the economy is literally collapsing in on itself and we're at record high#homlessness likr#and you can't even be passionate for literally any job now because of how fucking exhausting it is to keep trying to survive#my bro got denied from sherwin williams as they lied to his face that they aren't hiring despite him literally talking to the guy who's#position he was filling because he had quit. like just admit you're refusing to hire another person to force#a skeleton crew fo make you more money
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okay but seriously the way everyone always focuses on me finally getting a job as if that's the ultimate end goal of life and there's nothing else that matters at all is making me feel like. if I can't do that. what is left.
like it's.. not that unlikely that no matter how hard I try I'll never be able to work full time (or even part time, who knows at this point honestly), and it makes me feel like - okay so then I just need to stop existing I guess
#I feel so guilty#and lost and useless and trapped#not really because of my life situation (anymore) - I'd be happy with that I think#but it's the constant relentless reminders that actually? I don't really matter. I'm not a real person yet because I don't work so#and especially being seen as a woman.. I know people mean well and want to look out for others but. constantly hearing that if I don't work#I am nothing and I am trapped in this life with my husband and he will definitely 100% abuse me (financially or otherwise) and also he will#leave so essentially I'm fucked#which is just. so awesome to hear. when you just can't do it. I just can't. my options are 1. rely on him or 2. fucking starve I guess#what if that doesn't change and all the work I've done to get better mentally and to figure out what's wrong with my body (still no clue)#wasn't enough?#what if I'll never be able to do it? am I just a worthless stupid woman who somehow chose this and so is responsible for eventually ending#up alone and with no money at all? because that sure is what that always sounds like#fuck I didn't choose any of this#no I definitely don't think things used to be better (at all) but fuck. this really doesn't feel great#anyway I'm a fucking useless waste of space so I guess eventually I will have to deal with that or whatever#personal
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acheron so good she makes me want to complete gold and gears to unlock erudition blessings
#bobtalk#she fucks shit up SO hard with them it's crazy shit. she's actually crazy in SU. her ultimate is crazy#my world level (forget what they call it in hsr sorry) isn't maxed because i had a Massive hiatus after 1.0 LOL#so between that and well. my relics aren't great. i don't have any 5* sustains. i missed a lot of banners like in general.#my ability to clear higher content is kind of nottttt great <-couldn't pass stage 2 of pure fiction for the free lynx lmao#but at least in SU i can just get bonkers ass buffs#shoutout to the person on my friends list with the well built level 80 e2s1 acheron that i'm leaching off of for farming o7#relics are so miserable for real. well what can you do#<-guy who used self modelling resin for a crit rate body for her acheron and it rolled all worthless substats lmao#btw i did start a hsr doodle dump u_u thank you for your support in this endeavor. will post it after accumulating more doodles.#rolling for e2 btw we'll see how that goes. won't be mad if i don't get her as long as i don't lose the 50/50 to someone ugly#future banner wishlist is fu xuan and silver wolf (missed her first rerun so. you know. lmfao.) (also missed tutorial lightcone we suffer)#don't know how committed i am to that though because i am kind of. not. a seele main. anymore. lol. for 2 team content maybe#i do really need better sustains. i am very squishy indeed. if i was playing smart i'd take advantage of luocha/aventurine. but uhhhh. lol#i don't pull for men <-hubris but its funny to commit. leaks forecast robin OP but also i already have both e1 bronya and sparkle.#unless the story goes crazy with her which at this point maybe it will who fuckin knows. i don't particularly care for firefly#well. we will see. for now. acheron OPification lol
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So much mental health advice is like "ask for help!! Don't be afraid to rely on your friends and family to get you through this!!" girl what if i do not have friends or family*
#Also nobody has ever 'bottled up' their emotions that's just not a thing#*Family abusive and hates me#Also every time I ask for help I get ignored or people get uncomfortable and leave me forever!!!!!#I don't ask for much!!! Just like!!! Be patient and don't abandon me for being sick!!!#Everyone who was suicidal and got better only got better because their friends and family cared about them and helped them :((#Got them medicine or hrt or helped them clean their room or just gave them affection and a safe place :((#And they're like 'just ask for help :))' :(( girl.................#You only got T because you tried to kill yourself do you know what I got for trying to kill myself. Nothing because no one fucking knows#One time at age like 9 I cut myself and my mom said 'that better be a cat scratch or I'm beating your worthless ass'#Sooooo <3<3<3#I stopped because cutting is useless and I got yelled at but mostly it's stupid and if you actively do it fucking stop#There is no reason for that shit ever#'I treat you too nice for you to be suicidal' obviously not girl I was nine wanting to die!!!!!
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Today has thoroughly sucked
#personal;#vent post;#I forgot my meds last night so I woke up in So Much Pain this morning but dragged my ass to work anyway#only to hear from my current team lead (who has been trying to step down for MONTHS) that my last team lead AND my coach#are both actively telling her to not let me do any baking and only run freight when i was sent to the bakery/deli to //stop doing that//#So I'mma report it but it was never said to my face (bc they all know it's illegal I'll bet) so I doubt anything's gonna be done about it#I left work early and promptly dropped my phone face down thus making my case worthless as my screen fucking shattered#so I've bought a $20 replacement kit from god damn amazon bc I don't have the money to take it somewhere and I am STILL paying it off#I laid down for an hour and a half and didn't manage to nap#my head hurts#I'm exhausted#I'm angry#I want to cry#but instead i have to pull shit together and see about disability filing/lawyers AGAIN bc I missed the call from the last one by months#and it has since been months again so I doubt they're waiting on me#and It just gets more and more demoralizing when I see mutual aids going around and/or getting funded#bc i ain't ever gotten more than $20 and 10notes whenever I make posts which isn't anyone's FAULT#but man even fucking survival is a popularity contest and I've been losing from the moment I was fucking conceived
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Does this ever end?
#It's exhausting.#I don't get it.#What am I doing wrong?#I try to be pleasant. It doesn't work.#I try blocking things out. It doesn't work.#Nothing works.#Nothing ever works.#The fuck am I supposed to do?#Just keep putting up with it?#I don't know how much more I can take.#Fuck. I'm just so sick of this.#I'm sick of feeling worthless.#I'm fed up of all this belittlement and disrespect.#I'm not a child.#I'm not weak for having emotions.#I'm not stupid.#I'm fifty fucking eight years old.#I survived forty years on my own.#My entire fucking existence has been nothing but pain.#So yeah. I'm not going to fucking stand here and take it.#I'm going to retaliate. I'm going to stand up for myself.#Especially against people who know nothing of me. And refuse to know nothing of me.#So fuck all of this.#I have every right to be angry.#The world has been nothing but shit to me.#Tua rp#Tua rp blog#Five Vents
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oi i’m pissed 2 high heaven
#B) but not anymore <3#my magic healing words#also i'm sick of trying 2 figure out why people dislike me lol. like who gives a shit.#they don't even have any goddamned taste#it was honestly my bad 4 being like 'oh maybe i should let myself make friends + be social' cause i already knew it would end in disaster u#know. i can't really trust most people + i also know that i'm kind of a temporary person in the irl world#the buds that are nice though were absolutely worth it. i wish she wasn't the loudest fucking voice lol. + i wish i hadn't reacted at all#i hate being unprofessional + i hate feeling like i'm fighting a worthless battle. i should've just let her run her mouth#i feel bad 'cause this friend i really respect picked up the emotional slack + i wish she hadn't had 2 do that. :/ i really care about her +#don't want her worrying over petty drama like this#honestly i also feel bad about being upset with this other friend but u can only be fucking weird so many times before someone talks back#like genuinely causing a distraction so i can't do the work that BOTH OUR NAMES are going on professionally? that shit is not endearing!#idk. i don't know what her game is so i don't know how to spin this in a positive light lmao.
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Maybe I just miss havin someone else to blame
#i feel so fucking useless. worthless. i had ONE job n instead i fucked it up n crossed that one line i can't uncross#he'll never forgive me n it's all my own damn fault#don't know how to cope with how there's no way back now. he doesn't even want me anymore he just wants to hurt me#n i kinda wanna let him cause it's all i was ever any good for anyway#just. lie back n let him take it all out on me. as if he ever made it that easy#god what the hell is wrong with me this is fucking pathetic#he was the only one that could make my head quiet the only one i could always go back to. even if he made me regret it every time#i don't know how to change any of this. it can't always be like this can it? somethin's gotta change at some point right?#i need to stop gettin so fucking wasted i make a fool outta myself but. i only feel even sorta okay if i'm drunk#what the fuck am i supposed to do?#i just wanna go home. i thought things would get better now that i'm technically free of him but. i still feel the same. or worse#at least i could keep myself numb most of the time. n i had cherri n nuggs. everyone feels so fucking far away here#n it's probably me not them but. idk how to change anythin. everythin's just wrong.#everythin's always wrong#i'm so fucking tired n sleep doesn't change a fucking thing#i guess maybe val was right. there's nothin out here for someone like me. what he gave me was the best i could get n i shoulda just m#*appreciated it instead of always complaining#idk how long i can keep myself from goin back to him. just to see if he can still make it all go away. even if i'll probably regret it.#fucking hell how long can i keep this up?? i can't start drinkin more i can't damage this body like that for the others#but i'm startin to run really low on options#spdrvent
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