#I don't know why but I felt I must

[the-raging-tempest]

The Unending Ache; God of Corruption as Survival. The Weather Witch; Goddess of Destruction as Revival

[spasikonik]

me if making fanarts of fictional bands was a job

[nyaaamato]

bad omens

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[creative-hanyou-girl]

You guys know on how InuYasha, the few times he talks about it, badmouths his father and says he doesn't care to avenge his death when he battles Ryukoltsei?

I wonder if InuYasha starts to regret his mindset towards his father once he himself becomes a father. Or at the very least, he starts to understand his father better. Especially if you want to go by the Movie 2 canon where part of Toga's death was from protecting InuYasha and his mom.

Just makes me wonder if InuYasha looks at Moroha or any of his other children and has the thought that it'd break his heart if any of his kids felt resentment towards him like he felt for his own father, especially when everything he ever does is to protect them. And I wonder if it makes InuYasha start to look at his father's memory differently, now that he's a parent himself and would do anything and everything to protect his kids, even if it meant dying and leaving them without a father.

Not that he'd go and try to get himself killed, as he wants to actually be alive so they don't have to grow up like he did, but you know he'd sacrifice himself if it meant his children could live, just like his father did for him (according to movie 2).

I don't know, I just wonder if InuYasha starts to ever regret the way he looked at his father's memory back when he was a teen once he becomes a father to Moroha and starts to understand his father's actions as a parent now that he himself is a parent. Ya know what I mean?

[mushroomsie224]

Rewatched Cedric's Apprentice and the first thing I realised was that I remembered the episode name wrong? I always thought was 'The Sorcerer’s Apprentice'. Oh well.

Cedric is always a delight to see, of course. I love his song here.

Some bad quality screenshots because why not:

Wow he is short.

That posture would make my mother faint...

Aw look at him!! So happy he got it right, and he has someone to share the accomplishment with for once!

Sidenote but I didn't realise how drastically Sofia changed throughout the seasons. She acts so different here, so much more like a kid. My poor sweet, innocent child...

Aw proud uncle :)

I want to draw this sometime. However, his eyes freak me out just a smidge when you can see the colour in them.

I HAD FORGOTTEN HOW CUTE THIS PART WAS. I HAD FORGOTTEN HOW CUTE THIS WHOLE EPISODE WAS ACTUALLY. It's so different from the later episodes that it feels almost weird how different it is!

...I get why one would ship them (I don't, not seriously anyway). Out of context this makes great bunker fuel.

[deerest-deer]

thinking really hard about logging into my old tumblr acc after being gone for like a year and a half cause i stumbled upon a post that led me to my old mutuals and i teared up a lil </3 but also i feel so ashamed i left without saying a word to anyone aaaa

[dunetevenn]

Me: I wonder what my f/os would like about me... ...wait what is there even to LIKE about me in the first place?

F/os: *burst into the room* Alright that's it we're doing an intervention *brings out a PowerPoint about why I'm not that big of a piece of shit*

[a-cloud-for-dreams]

Do you lay awake at night thinking about Bas's tragic death and how he died at the hands of his favorite brother whom he has looked up to his entire life or are you normal?

I don't know exactly what it is but I really relate to how lonely Bas was?? Like he didn't really ever have someone he could be vulnerable around. He didn't have any close friends, no genuine romantic partner, and his family was full of people who would exploit any of his secrets/insecurities for their own gain. Not to mention his literal job and his dedication to the Act put a target on his back like this man did not know peace. No wonder being around a literal snake was peaceful for him imao

I always assumed that's why he "had feelings" for Juliana. Through my general observation, lonely people tend to mistake platonic acts of kindness for romantic gestures. They also tend to assume their feelings towards these people offering their kindness is romantic. Juliana was one of the few people who were sympathetic to the plight of Eveline's children so it makes sense that Bas would assume that he was romantically attracted to her when their close relationship could have also been platonic

I mean, it's not like he explicitly declares his love for his family either, even though there are moments where it's obvious he cares about them, so maybe he's just someone who believes actions speak louder than words idk. I have too much to say about my favorite snobby baguette welp I'm so embarrassed not

[sepiasys]

Took a melatonin gummy to aid in sleep only to wake up/awaken 5 hours later. And I am well aware of the fact I woke up three times.

It is 3am.

Is it so much to ask that I have anything resembling a sleep schedule? Am I not allowed to rest like a normal person should be able?

[medicinemane]

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy

You have... very very very very very very very very smart people you know, and they're say something that not only isn't true, but literally is as opposite of the truth as it's possible to be... and you'll... gently inform them "hey, it's actually a bit more like this" and then they just kinda... go on saying literally the exact same thing

I'm not sure if it's just that... I often feel like I must be very bad at communicating, or people must just not notice/ignore a lot of what I say, but... I don't know

Like dearest friend, you've said something as absurd as... I don't know, it's hard to say without saying it, but honest to god about as absurd as saying the United States was a part of the USSR, that level of completely getting it backwards

...and it just doesn't seem to matter when I try to explain it... I legit don't even know if you read what I said

Really end up feeling like I'm going nuts sometimes

[pinktinselmonstrosity]

i only have three more best picture nominees to watch before the oscars 👀 and i'm leaving the ones i'm most and least excited for til last so i think i'll watch poor things next

[sskk-manifesto]

Ep 9 ! :)

[franeridan]

doodling ace and suddenly having a lil mental breakdown over him, daily occurrences and all that

[niyana-the-ambiguous-mobian]

My one employee while at my jobs Christmas party: "Hey, I noticed Micheal is talking to you quite alot, he even sat across from you. I think he has a crush on you."

Me and my aroace ass: "....ok."

[luvevee]

Idk maybe it's fine to accept Sada and Turo are just really shitty parents who neglected and abandoned Arven instead of pulling the shortest straws in an attempt to make them seem like they were just sad workaholics who got too caught up in their work like a bad hallmark movie