#I don't know what the issue even is. I don't know what mental illness I have. I thought it was bpd but what if it isn't

[unacknowledgeable]

Continued: Serial killer reader x yan!batfam

.........Ooooookay, I guess yall really liked my serial killer!reader? I guess I'm honor bound to continue??? Oh noooo, the horrorrrr. But seriously, I'm glad! Because it only gets worse from here! >:}

Anyway, this was really difficult to write because I literally could not find good starting and stopping points, I tried to make my thoughts flow into each other as seamlessly as possible but there's SO MUCH I wanna write for this, it’s eating me alive, (also like, feel free to send asks bc I get sidetracked a lot in my writing and looove just answering questions as jumping off points, so please gimme gimme)

That being said, enjoy!

WARNING for disturbing imagery, untreated mental illness and trauma, blood, and depictions of murder (seriously)

So obviously, this M/c is a serial killer, so how do they go about keeping this hidden while simultaneously living with the world's greatest detectives?

Simple, ya don't.

Okay so that's not completely true. Compared to the average criminal, you put in a lot of effort to not get caught, but the average criminal doesn’t live with THE Batman either

Compared to the rest of your family though? You basically put in the bare minimum required to hide your… unsavory activities

Of course, you'll wash your blood soaked clothes yourself, in the lesser used washrooms of the manor, but once in a blue moon, when you’re too tired to care or your catch of the night put up a greater fight then anticipated, you'll throw your tainted clothes in with the rest of the families

And they just… don't fucking notice.

Or when they do, they just assume that one of the others had an unfortunate run in with some criminal while in civvies 

You've overheard many admonishments from Dick or Alfred over the years, telling Tim or Jason to “Please stop putting bloody clothes in with the whites, there's a basket for them two feet away!”

It was always pretty hard trying to keep a straight face when hearing those scoldings, but you always did, you didn't want Damian demanding to know what was so funny and dampening your mood

Or Cass giving you one of her calculated looks and suddenly getting nosy, that would make losing your clothes to Tim’s closet a lot less worth the laugh.

It’s just that, this assumption is waaaaay more plausible then say, the serial killer they've been tracking relentlessly for literal years, is just…tossing their VERY incriminating evidence in with the family's laundry, then passing out on some couch in one of the many sitting rooms of the manor, while the family goes out and discovers their latest victim

It's just easier to assume it was one of the others, Dick would never connect you, of all people, to the gore tossed haphazardly in the hamper, it's way more likely to be one of the many crime fighters of the family, not the soft spoken hermit of the manor, and even if that was a possibility in his mind, you don't even have a scratch on you

Not that he’s ever bothered to check you for injuries before, like he does almost religiously for the others

And Alfred? Well he's of the belief you'd grown out of your… tendencies, that it was a one time thing. Despite his reputation as an omnipotent presence in the manor, he never did realize just how deep your mental issues ran. Not until it was far too late.

You don't even have a specific weapon either, half of the time you'll just take one of Alfred's steak knives and hit the lower levels of Gotham, wandering around the decrepit streets till you found someone suitable 

Other times, when you’re in an exceptionally bad mood, be it because Damian said something particularly venomous or Alfred missing an important event for you because something came up with one of your siblings, or even when your classmates decided it would be funny to key your car-

Or it's just one of those days

Those days when the abstract voices simmer louder in the back of your mind, pushing and nagging. Images that you desperately want to forget but can't help the need to recreate. All threatening to boil over until you either crumble into a sobbing heep on the floor or go out and do the one thing that has always been able to shut. them. up.

Those days you’re… forgetful

On those days, you forget to grab one of Alfred’s pristine knives, but that's fine, Gothams streets are littered with dangerous items, so there's no shortage of tools at your disposal. You're creative, resourceful, you can use whatever's on hand at the time, whatever's in reach.

But if there's nothing? No sharp objects, no discarded bricks or loose pipes or even a half empty beer bottle, well… you're no stranger getting your hands dirty

Those times however, are pretty hazy in the aftermath.

You’ll forget certain details, like how they gripped your arms in a vain attempt to draw your own blood as you drew theirs, in the event that if they dont get away, at least you'd be caught, (all it leaves are dark, tender bruises along your arms, that you'll spend weeks poking and prodding at, in the hopes of reliving that moment)

Or how they'd flail their legs, inches from the ground, trying to kick your legs out from beneath you (it was kinda cute, how much shorter they were then you, how little their attempts to free themselves did when it mattered the most)

Even their last, warbling pleas for mercy were lost to you. You know they said something, could vaguely recall that they spoke, too absorbed in watching their bloody lips turn blue as the oxygen in their body slowly ran out (No no please please…My girls are waiting)

No, no you don't remember much but what you do remember, what you always, always remember, are the eyes 

You remember the tears, the fear, the acceptance, the rage, the refusal, the disbelief, the confusion, the indignation, and most of all the recognition. 

Whether it be them recognizing just who you are or realizing that this is who will end their life, you don't know, you’ve never bothered to ask. 

You prefer to think it’s the latter, it's hard to explain, but it makes you feel so so important

When it’s over, and the adrenaline in your veins soften, your breathing calmer, the blood rushing through your ears no longer so deafening, and you can feel the pleasing ache in your limbs, you sit, and asses the damage, as you always do

You always make sure to grab their wallet, take out the ID and memorize it, before gingerly putting it back, and finally walking away, head clear and numb in the cold Gotham air

There's no real reason why, its mostly force of habit at this point, it started with your very first kill, you don't feel like breaking the little ritual now, or anytime soon

It just feels wrong, to take a life and not even know whose life it is...was.

Later, long past any reasonable hour, you lay in bed, fresh out of the shower and thumbing the bruises, listening to the voices over the family's communicators (you stole one of Dicks, he has a nasty habit of leaving them around the manor) as they patrol the Gotham streets for crime and mayhem

You honestly can't help the small smile that graces your face, falling into sleep, as you hear the quiet, defeated sigh over the highly protected com link, “B, I've found another one, it's…it’s pretty rough tonight”

The pause is long before a small, gruff, “I have your location, ETA in 10 minutes”

You slept pretty good that night

Damn, sometimes the shit I come up with scares even me, again, feel free to send asks (shh I'm not begging), the brain worms are always hungry and I have sooooo many thoughts about this thing. lol 

Hope you enjoyed!

[strobbylemonade]

101 - a dummy's guide to loving and becoming human again

[icewindandboringhorror]

I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently

[mcalhenwrites]

I'm not going to pretend it doesn't make me angry that I spend months and years trying to peddle my work to make ends meet, that I spend so much time mentioning my books and comms and everything, and people ignore that consisently... But the moment I finally break under the hopelessness - when it's obvious that it's fucking futile, that almost no one deems my work good enough to share with anyone else - suddenly they're concerned and scolding me. I'm working several jobs, bathing, generally keeping things clean, and I do this with several health problems including chronic pain. I found out that one of my cysts is growing and I may need to have it surgically removed. Which means potentially missing work to recover. Which means more money I lose. I spend so much time crawling out of the hole and it goes ignored, but the moment I just give up bc I don't have any strength left, suddenly that's my fault and I'm mentally sick. And that kind of makes me wish my entire situation upon people, and when they whine that it's hard, well fuck you, you thought I could ace it so surely you can, babe! I hate being angry about this, but it's just so exhausting to tell people who accuse me of not trying that I HAVE I HAVE SO FUCKING HARD AND YOU DID NOT PAY ATTENTION THEN Or you know you're attempting to gaslight me by claiming I didn't try despite that I obviously have worked my ass off trying, and that's so much fucking worse

[touhoutivations]

"Heya, just popping in for your medicine delivery- ah, you're wondering why I'm not wearing my usual disguise? Well, Eirin and I kinda agreed that it was making me look more suspicious than usual...and while some of the village don't want to take medicine from a youkai, our medicines aren't anything to hide from." "You shouldn't feel ashamed about taking what you need in order to function, and we shouldn't add to that stigma. It'd be ridiculous if I had to dress up like a bandit to give you bandages if you hurt yourself, right?"

"...I know that 'the lunatic rabbit' probably isn't the best to advertise this, but you deserve to be loved, cared for, survive and thrive- no matter what illness or neurodivergency you have. Change and acceptance isn't easy, especially deprogramming from...harmful stereotypes and ideology- believe me, I've been through all that craziness." "It's probably taken you a really long journey to find this out, or accept this, or take steps to treatment- maybe you're still ironing out the big questions- but I'm really proud of you for it. So keep taking those steps, to become more 'you' than ever. Advocate for yourself, and know that there's people that can help you through- even if it takes a while to find them." "That's all from me today, make sure you take some food with them too, alright?"

[hylianengineer]

After two weeks of having almost nothing to do at work except read scientific papers, I think I've finally gotten over being scared of them. Actually, I think I'm starting to have fun.

And then I was doing writing research on a totally different topic and I went wait a second. I can read scientific papers on this. I'm not intimidated by them anymore - well, not much. Maybe a tiny bit, for the ones outside my field, because last week I tried to read a botany paper and oh dear god the jargon.

But I read a medical journal about chronic widespread pain, which I probably have, and it felt very empowering. I understood most of the important bits, googled the vocab when I needed to, and I learned some things that might be important. I read a paper where actual doctors were saying 'people can have mental illnesses and also pain disorders. this does not mean their pain isn't real.'

And it feels very revolutionary that I can just... do that. I can have access to the same information as experts in these fields, and I may not understand it as well or have all the context but it's something. Something I didn't have before.

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

A controversial thought just occurred to me that I've tried to put into words many times now about my hero (Janis Joplin) and other musicians and people who died "tragically" (especially in a "self-inflicted" way), and that is: every time I see someone online, on Youtube or Facebook or wherever, say something (always unprompted/unrelated to what the video/photo/article/etc. is about) along the lines of, "What a waste of their talent/skill their death was," I think, What a waste their death was? What have you said of their life? Why do you only choose to comment on, and apparently highlight, their death? Did their life, and their accomplishments, and what they brought to the world while they were alive mean nothing to you? Have you not a SHRED of gratitude that they were alive at all?

I am quite sure that there is some sort of psychological explanation (and I say that with the confidence of only having a basic understanding of psychology) for why people focus particularly on people's (in this case, celebrities') "tragic" deaths, but is it not a tragedy in itself to reduce those people's lives to their deaths and the fact that they're dead? Why not appreciate what they were able to share with us while they were here? You know?

[hawkeyedflame]

.

[sschmendrick]

Maybe I should go back to seeing my therapist, he was a good person, à l'écoute, but maybe I should explain why I stopped seeing him (on top of work load becoming unbearable).

Same with my psychiatrist though I think it'll be harder to see her because of the summer.

[klara-rosa]

but anyway on another unrelated note, everyday at work I feel a part of me dying inside because my coworkers are all 40 year-olds and up and they were all raised with a conservative catholic mindset and that's how they express themselves. Yesterday it was open homophobia and today open fatphobia. Constantly feeling triggered and having episodes but I'm not gonna say anything because it'd be like running into a brick wall over and over again

[arctic-hands]

I'm the worst person to try to gaslight lol. One, I already know I'm crazy, so between that and my piss poor memory I'll just assume I left the lamp on and forgot about it even if I do have a hazy memory of turning it off. Try to trick me into seeing things that aren't there and I'll just assume I need to up my dosage of abilify. Saying you said something completely different to what you actually said and I'll just go with the flow because I'll assume I just flaked out in the previous conversation and don't want to commit a faux pas

[malachitezmeyka]

I know it's useless to get mad at the dog, she's just a hyperactive little thing who doesn't know how to behave yet. She's left home alone for at least 6 hours every day and she's bored, I can't blame her for tearing apart her training pads or shitting all over the place. Even if I did, she must have done it hours ago, dogs don't get that actions that happened so long ago have consequences and all me yelling at her will result in is her being scared of me. I know all that, I do

So WHY am I still so angry at her?? Why does it feel satisfying to lash out and see her scurry away??? She doesn't deserve to be treated like that, she doesn't know any better. And I don't know how to teach her to know better, I don't have the patience for it. She deserves better than me

[ranvwoop]

i am going to be so vulnerable in public for just a second. literally just for lack of therapy and for the love of psuedoanonymity except. it isn't really

[gallusrostromegalus]

I love it when characters are immune to psychic attacks/emotional manipulation magic/psychoactive drugs or whatever, but for DEEPLY mentally ill reasons.

Fear gas? I already have an anxiety disorder. Also you don't know the meaning of fear until you have a category 5 autism event in the middle of a social scene and know you'll get severely punished if you act out

Depression aura? Bitch I live an economically productive, nutritionally balanced and physically active life that other people rely on like this.

Haunted? How would my ADHD ass even know?

Pain machine? Hm. If your machine's "10/10" is my "4", I should probably talk to my doctor about better meds.

Oh, we're all mutually unintelligible? This is Tuesday with Autism and Audio Processing issues.

There's something very cathartic about a character facing down the horrors and laughing because the antagonist can't even get close to what they already live with.

[abs0luteb4stard]

I HATE MY CONSTANT DECADES-LONG DYSPHORIA.

I WANT IT TURNED OFF NOW!

I have had no "joie de vivre" for a long time, if I ever had it. I can't tell if the bullying and PTSD killed that from me, or it just didn't exist.

I can't spend what I don't have, energy is a commodity like money. Time has already sailed away from me. And I dont have the fucking physical spoons with "CRONIC PHYSICAL × MENTAL" illness. It's to the point that I think DYSPHORIA is my personality type.

💀

I've given 20 years of "give this new doctor a try" for months and years. Nobody is any different because they're missing something. I don't know what, that's what they're supposed to figure out and fucking treat and guide me, no?

After the last psychiatrist doctor and having to do Ombudsman complaint because they are saying that I lied about missing my session and ambushed me with another doctor, and outwardly laughing at my not wanting to go with this new stranger because I'm afraid and my flying into a rage for calling me a liar, giving me an ultimatum of "do this or i won't treat you" and even both of them provoking me to more anger. With mocking laughter at me, escalating and provoking things, instead of calming things.

Is nobody equipped for curing me in 20+ years?

And that's not how it works. BUT I'm done paying for and wasting precious time on received wisdom.

They're just regurgitating this TV psychology style, self-help, hands-off bullshit.

Sometimes I feel like these cocksuckers are just keeping people from suicide because "we wouldn't want you hurting yourself or someone else" but not fixing anything. They just give you the anxiety meds and the talk session.

If you don't have the ability or the right resources to help me. Then send me someplace that does. Or are you just trying to keep a paying customer. And not cure a patient? Because you're too fucking inept.? Or what?

I don't want to hear it takes time. I've given 20+ years to this. I've been trying to fucking figure it out my whole life. On my own with my mom and dad —NO DAYS OFF, NO OTHER PATIENTS. I'm only so knowledgeable and Google ain't a fucking doctor that had to learn something.

I've decided a 4 session max with these new docs to show me SOMETHING, fix me, impress me, fuck me, I don't give a good godamn what you do.

Otherwise I'm going to beat the shit out of somebody. Okay? That's the NEW incentive. We're paying you, Move your ass, i don't give fuck if you have other patients or a family or have a fucking cat with AIDS.

You better use that moneyin giving you as a retainer to fix a bloody nose and black eye if you just stringing me along with treatment and talks and no insight or diagnosis or some godamn new information. I want that key that unlocks one of the prisons that my life had been in or else before I walk in kicking the fuck out you.

🫨😮‍💨😑

[trans-leek-cookie]

Truly we herald this as the autism website. And God damn it sure is the website of having autism but not fucking understanding that autism is different in different people. Also for a website that says shit like "ppl will send hate mail but be afraid to make a phone call" I don't think some ppl have actually dealt with a serious argument in a long time cause they cannot handle the most minor shit