#I don't know how progressive people stay positive when I go outside this is the default
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hedgehog-moss · 1 year ago
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Here are 7 little facts about my donkey and how his summer is going :)
1. I received an anon the other day asking if Pirou was still a working donkey who carries my firewood for me, and the answer is yes. I've been cutting some branches from the big cherry tree that fell down the other day, and Pirlouit has been valiantly carrying them to the woodshed—fun fact, for this activity he likes to wear his ears like this:
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Probably because this T position is reminiscent of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, which is how Pirlouit perceives himself as he carries heavy logs for me. He's willing, but his martyrdom should be acknowledged.
Here's Poldine acknowledging it with a nose kiss, because Poldine.
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I stopped so they could have their little chat.
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2. Pirou has been chatting with a lot of new friends lately—we met these horses on a walk and he was so happy to stop and touch noses with them while making equid noises. Llamas are good with the nose-touching but their llama noises are just less interesting to Pirlouit. He had such interested ears here! "Finally a serious grown-up conversation"
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We also met this goose during the same walk and Pirlouit was a lot less eager to go say hi to her. The goose was yelling threats at us and we prudently stayed away, and Pirou was clearly thinking "this bird is doing a better job at protecting her home from intruders than Pandolf ever could" (it's true, Pan assumes intruders are friends until proven otherwise)
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3. You'll notice that there are houses in this pic! Our walks got longer and longer until one day we went all the way to the village (it took 1 hour 20min at Pirlouit's leisurely pace). I was so proud of him. I've been trying to convince my friends to go to the village on donkeyback (this requires two people, because you can ride Pirlouit but you can't tell him where to go unless there's someone holding his rope and leading the way)—my friends were reluctant because they still sort of perceive Pirou as the feral animal terrified of everything that he was when I got him. They know he's made a lot of progress but going to town on donkeyback still seemed foolhardy.
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So we've been riding Pirlouit in the woods, in familiar environments, and we also went to town with him but without riding him. He was amazingly calm and brave! There's a river that cuts the village in two and the first time we went, we stopped before the bridge, since it's pretty narrow and cars would have to drive very close to Pirlouit, we didn't want to risk it. We just went to say hi to the librarian who lives on the right side of the river, but since Pirlouit was very serene, we did cross the bridge the second time.
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He did not care at all about cars driving very close to him (he had one familiar human on either side of him and the drivers were very considerate and went slowly), which emboldened us to stop for a drink on the terrace of the coffeeshop on main street (< also a narrow street with cars driving by quite close to Pirlouit). There was just no problem at all, Pirou let total strangers rub his forehead and was more interested in iced tea than main street traffic.
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It was a hot day and we gave him all the ice cubes from our drinks and he chewed them enthusiastically.
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4. We made a stop at the pharmacy on our way home because we had another 1 hour 20min walk ahead and I had a blister, and the pharmacist noticed my donkey parked outside his shop and in a determined tone he said, "I want to try something." He took one of the donkey milk soaps from the overpriced-Provence-soaps-for-tourists display and opened the door and offered it for Pirlouit to sniff.
... I'm not sure what he was expecting—for my donkey to go "ohhh this smells like Mother's milk and aloe vera 🥺"—but unfortunately nothing happened.
(4. bis—Sorry, this 4th fact was anticlimactic.)
5. Pirlouit is now the proud owner of a surcingle. Not for equestrian vaulting and not for his log-carrying job because I don't know if it would be solid enough for the weight of a bag full of logs, but I'd like to tie bags or baskets to it to take Pirlouit grocery shopping, now that I know he's okay with going to town :) He even seems to enjoy the adventure, and the attention he gets from children.
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And actually I shouldn't write off equestrian vaulting because Pirou is also remarkably chill with weird things happening on his back. I used to be very careful to climb on his back in a quick & fluid way so he wouldn't spook (because he used to! a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil used to spook him!) but now that my friends are riding him I can confirm we've reached a point where you can climb on Pirlouit's back in any way you want and he'll just be like "...... sure"
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6. I almost forgot to mention that Pirou turned 15 last month, according to his ID papers :) Donkeys have a longer life expectancy than horses, they can live 30-40 years on average so he's still a young lad really. Happy 15th birthday Pirlouit :)
7. I wanted to conclude with a nice aesthetic pic of Pirou's shadow on the road during all those walks, like I did with Poldine, but unfortunately donkey shadows do not have the chic je-ne-sais-quoi of llama shadows. Pirlouit looks like a hammerhead shark wearing a tiny fez and that's not his fault.
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reserwrekt · 2 years ago
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Went to a new mental health place yesterday. It's been weeks of phone calls and waiting. I mentioned I've been struggling with executive dysfunction enough that it's ruining my life. Explained I don't leave my apartment for weeks at a time. Explained I don't leave my room much less, bed.
The caseworker has been chronically late for our phone calls but this place strictly expects me to adhere to their appointment times.
I got tired when caseworker was 2 hours late for a phone call. Got depressed that I was forgotten about. Continued misgendering.
I told her I didn't answer the call that day.
She got offended and accused me of not wanting help. As if I didn't exhaust myself to get here.
Mental health facilities here suck.
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genshin-side-piece · 6 months ago
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Sorry for yet another Neuvillette thirst but I keep thinking about kinda accepting him as your captor caretaker and that you can never get away from him, but now you don’t know how to act around him
The awkwardness between the two of you before was because, well, you didn’t like being kept in his house and having no autonomy, but now that you tolerate him (and dare I say, like him) the dynamic is changed and you don’t know what to do
You used to runaway or push him away when he was near but now the two of you are sitting amicably on the couch and you’re heart is fluttering and your face is on fire because he’s so close (and, you begrudgingly admit, quite attractive)
I love the idea of a once defiant darling developing a crush on their yandere and not knowing how to deal with it because suddenly everything is so awkward 🫣
Keep em coming! I love to talk about this kind of stuff. :) Hopefully I don't burst your bubble.
There's a bunch of different things going on here, so I'm going to break it down into pieces.
Let me start with the scenario itself. Is it possible, yes. Do I think a bunch of other stuff has to happen to make it possible? Also yes.
To me, when it comes to fictional yandere scenarios, there are two types of acceptance that can occur. There is acceptance of the situation and the reality of which darling finds themselves and then there is acceptance of the yandere themselves as anything more than a captor or keeper.
The way I view Neuvillette and his darling is that ultimately darling has accepted the life he has provided them, because there is no other option for them. If they manage to escape or if he casts them out, they will in theory have nothing. More so, if they try to explain where they've been or the situation to anyone, it's doubtful many would view the circumstances as truly horrible. Darling had a good home, provided for by the Iudex himself. Regardless of his "quirks", they're insane to leave it. I've said this in another post, but to me Neuvillette carries some built in immunity due to his position and reputation. Darling also lacks one crucial thing when it comes to all of this and that's evidence of mistreatment or wrong doing. Without it, people may view Neuvillette's over all actions as a kindness and darling as ungrateful for seeking outside assistance.
In the series, darling chooses to stay when Neuvillette sends them away during the crisis and they choose to accept their fate when it comes to him. What they don't do is choose him. Neuvillette remains as he always was. He is still their captor/keeper. The change is that protector is added to that list and darling feels/shows gratitude for him keeping them safe during the crisis. That gratitude takes the form of tolerance, specifically of Neuvillette and his need to be by darling's side. Tolerance is not equal to friendship or love. Acceptance is not the same as forgiveness.
Let's not beat around the bush. What Neuvillette has done is wrong. It can be classified as illegal. In order for things to progress between the two of them, Neuvillette would have to offer recompense to Darling for his misgivings, as well as extend a fair amount of trust when it comes to darling's movements. He would have to allow them their full liberty with the understanding that they will come back to him AND not try to turn him in. In turn, Darling would have to fully forgive Neuvillette for his actions and demonstrate that same level of trust by fully allowing him into their life, with the understanding that he will not try to control it. If that doesn't happen, then both subjects become an awkward sticking point between the two and the relationship goes into a weird territory. I don't think it's impossible for darling to develop feelings for Neuvillette without forgiveness. They've been locked in the house with him for a year, with varying levels of contact. The way I see them in my mind, is that they chalk the crush up to convenience or captive audience and not real feelings. I think it would go as far as them having their stupid sexy Flanders moment with Neuvilette and that would be it. Also hopefully I'm not aging myself with that reference. :)
That being said, IF both sides can come together, then I think they can safely move into crushes and butterflies in the stomach over how Neuvillette's whole face lights up when he smiles or how good his arms feel around them at night. I can't say for sure how Neuvillette would respond to the crush, but I think he would find their awkwardness fascinating and that's if he finds it awkward at all. The idea that they want to be near him, that they want to touch him? He's over the moon about that. He'll happily drink up every moment he can with darling, if for no other reason than he doesn't know if their mood will change and they'll begin avoiding him again. He just sort of goes with it, planning or in certain instances plotting different ways to keep them close. Him hiding all the throw blankets except for the ones big enough for two come to mind. He picks up the latest detective novel or the latest gossip rag and reads it to them as he encourages them to take their afternoon nap in his lap. They both go for walks in the country or he tells awful jokes that he picks up from the gestionnaires in the Palais, all in the hope that he can make them smile or laugh. The sky is really the limit in terms of how hard he tries. The question is, how much do you want to encourage him?
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bekolxeram · 4 months ago
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Another day, another spin around the Great Cycle of Fandom Discourse™. Today we seem to be at the bachelor party costume debate for like, the 7th time. Let's just go all out and read too much into all of the characters' attires.
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Buck and Eddie, they're the only ones dressed correctly for the theme, it was Buck's idea to throw a 80s themed party and Eddie's idea to dress up as Crockett and Tubbs after all. Although, as I've mentioned a while ago, they didn't coordinate with each other beforehand, so they both showed up dressing up as Crockett.
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It's Crockett who usually wears pastel, Tubbs seems to prefer darker colors.
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Now, Hen is wearing some kind of a retro costume, it's not exactly her usual style, but judging by the high waist flair jeans, it's more of a late 60s-70s outfit. Karen, on the other hand, dresses like uh..... Karen, aka goddess among men. It's probably Henren's normal going out attire.
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I'm convinced this man has a closet full of Henleys in each pantone color. Tommy is in his usual Henley and jeans, and he explains it on a technicality: people did wear Henleys in the 80s. We don't actually know how much time passed between the coffee apology-not-date and the wedding, but it can't be too long. We also don't know when Buck invites Tommy to the bachelor party, he seems to be still scouring for venue 2 weeks before. There's likely not enough time for Tommy to shuffle his schedule around or throw together a specific costume. The best he can do is put on whatever he has and try his best to show up while on standby, Buck is glad that he can make it though.
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I have no idea what Ravi is wearing. It's a regular button up with some subtle pattern on it and black pants? I don't think he's dressed up as anyone or anything in particular, I'll just put it in the same category as Tommy, there were people who dressed like this in the 80s.
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Although Chimney got encephalitis-blocked, we learn from Maddie that he was on his way to the party. This is very possibly what he chose to wear for the occasion, it's not even casual, it's more business casual. In fact, this is the same shirt he wore to the Lee's a couple days ago, but this time he loses the jacket and puts on more informal pants.
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We know he's not too stoke about going to a bachelor party and he's getting progressively sicker at that point, so it's understandable he would be the last person to wear a costume for the party.
In short, outside of Buck and Eddie, no one wear costumes to the bachelor party except for Hen, who wears the wrong one. I believe this scene is meant to be a silly little set up for Chimney's disappearance, but if we decide to read too much into, the only person who comes out looking less than positive is, unfortunately, Buck (and a bit Eddie for encouraging him).
Buck insists on throwing the party despite the continuous disapproval and refusal of the groom himself, whom the whole wedding is supposed to be about. But everyone understands Buck is doing it out of love, he just wants to celebrate Madney's epic love story, so they all show up the best they can even though they are mildly annoyed. They take time out of their busy lives, stay for a bit, then return to their obligations when it becomes clear that the night isn't going anywhere without Chimney's presence. At the end of the day, Buck didn't know Chimney was sick, his excessive enthusiasm also isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but if you really want to read this scene by itself as the writers painting one of the characters in less than favorable light, it would be Buck.
Ravi is totally in it for the free food though.
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belladonnadawn · 2 months ago
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Helloo! your yandere Issac fic was so amazing! i was wondering if we could get a yandere Elias?
Cop Car
“I pretended you were mine. It made me calm, babe.”
Elias wants to keep you, and what better way to express that than actions? Yandere!Elias x reader Content Warning: Mentions of violence, obsessive behavior, drug usage, and imprisonment. Please do not interact if you're uncomfortable with these types of content.
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The thunder rumbled as the rain continued to pour, covering the sky with thick dark clouds. It has been a rainy week for you and Elias, and you missed gazing at the stars with him and his telescope. Those tranquil nights are something that you looked forward to ever since you stayed with him in the safe house.
The soft sound of rain and Elias’ video game as your background felt strangely domestic. If you ignore your current situation, you'd be sure that you won't mind living like this with him.
“I wish rain would really go away,” You sighed, holding the cup of coffee close as you looked at the window.
Elias responded with a soft hum, eyes not looking away on the screen.
“I missed our old routine. I want to stargaze with you again. Having this rain makes me realize how boring things can be,” You huffed.
“Yeah, but you know that rain doesn't make things boring,” Elias looked at you with a smile, stretching as he finished another round of video games.
“Says the one playing video games.”
“Hey, I'm more than willing to teach you. Thank you very much.” He turned to you, “Besides, I'm pretty sure that you have hobbies when it's raining before you got here.”
You tapped your mug softly, contemplating the things you usually do when it's raining. “Well, usually during these times the cafe is filled with customers. So I'm busy serving customers who want to warm themselves up or people who just need a place to stay so they buy the cheapest coffee to do that.” A soft smile flashed in your face as you reminisced.
“You?”
“I usually just stay and play video games. Sometimes I ride my bike when it's raining. I don't know how to explain, but something about taking a ride in this weather seems therapeutic,” Elias answered.
You nod in acknowledgement, gazing at the window again. “Maybe once we're out, I'm going to enjoy this weather by dancing or playing in the rain.”
Elias nodded, the sudden mention of going out felt strange to him. A realization that he hasn't thought of what he would do once the situation is over hits him.
Truth be told, Elias is lost on what to do once things are over. He knows that his fate is sealed– that he was meant to take over like his father. But he doesn't want to revolve himself on that, he still wanted to live normally.
The thought of going back to his old life felt terrifying. He'd be back in the higher ups’ gaze, being on high alert, and most importantly, he doesn't know if the relationship that you both have will stay this way.
Uncertainties continued to eat him up. Questions and what ifs swarmed his mind like a hive. It felt all consuming, all devouring, ready to ea–
“Elias!” Your voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
“Huh?”
“I'm asking if I could play,” You walked towards him with a concerned look on your face, “Are you okay?”
“I'm fine, I was just a bit preoccupied,” He gave you a small smile. “So what do you want to play?”
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“There has been positive progress in this case. Right now, we are still doing investigations but I'm sure that both of you will be out sooner,” James reported the news.
You beamed, beyond elated at the information. Finally, after weeks of hiding, freedom is now closer than ever. You thought of what you could do once you're out and your mind jumbled at the endless possibilities. To say that you're excited and relieved is beyond understatement. You thought of your life outside, promising yourself to not take it for granted again.
“You hear that, Elias?! We're gonna be free!” You cheered, turning to him with the widest smile.
He only gave you a small smile, “Right, it's really exciting.”
Elias tried to be happy, he really did, but the worries and doubts continued to gnaw at him. The fear of losing you from his grasp felt terrifyingly real. As he glanced at you wearing the sweetest smile that he ever saw, he knew he wanted to keep you. He knew that he can't– and will never let you go.
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The table was filled with foods that he ordered. Elias insisted on doing a little celebration before both of you go out to your old lives. On the screen, the movie continued to play as you sat closely next to him.
“Do you like this little celebration? I made sure to get your favorites,” Elias spoke, looking at you with such affection.
You nodded eagerly, “Of course, I couldn't ask for more. I have this good movie, our favorite food, and you by my side. Everything is perfect, Elias.”
A soft sigh escaped from your lips, "Can't believe that we're leaving this place. I was now used to living like this, but now the upcoming change is so welcome."
He squeezed your arm, “I'm glad.” For a moment, he fell silent, until he spoke once more. “I could get used to this too, just the two of us. Can you?” He looked in your eyes intently, his cheek caressing you.
“Of course, as long as I'm with you.”
Elias smiled, almost grinning, “Great, that's all I want.”
He stood up from his seat, walking towards the kitchen. Your brows furrowed, figuring that he just needs to grab something. Once he's back, he's holding two mugs in his hand.
“Remember what's my favorite order? I want you to try it too. This is a little tribute to how we met. I hope you like it.”
Your heart warmed at his gesture. The night couldn't get more perfect. You immediately reached for the drink, “Elias, this is so sweet. I really appreciate it.”
“It's nothing. Knowing that you'll stay with me through thick and thin, this is the least I can do,” He sat beside you, holding your hand.
You smiled, immediately sipping the coffee. It was warm and soothing, strong but delicious; no wonder why he likes ordering it. “This taste so good, you should be a barista.”
“I like that idea, but I'll be your barista,” He chuckled, watching you drink. A hint of anticipation in his eyes.
As you finished the half of the coffee, you felt strange. You just drank caffeine, yet you feel incredibly drowsy. Clearing your throat, you tried to keep yourself still.
Elias continued to watch you, trying to conceal his expression. A part of him was anxious that he did not put enough rohypnol for it to affect, another was anxious that he put too much.
You held him, trying to ground yourself, but your eyelid felt heavy– everything felt heavy. “Elias…” It was soft, barely heard by him.
As everything seemed to cave in, he only looked at you with the same smile. You felt a shiver down your spine as the realization seeps in, “You–”
Elias immediately caught you, a sigh of relief as he saw the drug finally worked. He immediately composed himself, he can't be too careless and sloppy. There's no time to waste when it comes to a future with you.
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You woke up in a haze, head pounding as you opened your eyes. Everything felt strange, your brain felt as if someone rebooted it, your body was sore and aching– every move is painful. Everything is unbearable.
Scanning your surroundings, you realize that everything is unfamiliar: the wallpaper, the furniture, the decorations, everything. You sat up, feeling as if a cold bucket were poured all over your body. This is a dream.
You slapped yourself, chanting the same thing all over again: this is a dream, this is not real. As you opened your eyes, you were welcomed with the same view. It felt sickening.
But there's no time to wallow and contemplate. Summoning all your strength, you stood up, filled with adrenaline as you explored the room, finding exits. The windows were boarded by steel, there's no key lying around, and the door seems to have a sensor that needs biometrics to unlock it. You were fucked.
You cracked your brain, trying to think of what happened. Were you ambushed? Kidnapped? Did the higher ups want to get rid of you?
Then you remember– Elias.
Memories rushed in you like waves. You saw his smile as you slowly passed out in front of him. But it can't be, that's not the Elias that you knew. He's sweet, rough on some edges but he's kind. Elias would never commit such thing, he woul–
“You're awake,” Elias entered with a tray of food, “Sorry I left. I got you some food so you won't go hungry.” He gently placed it on the table.
You looked at him dumbfounded as he continued to act as if everything was normal. “Why am I here?”
“Because this is our house. We live here now. I don't want us to stay in that place since I know you're starting to hate it. So I figured to give you a change in our surroundings.”
You felt more confused at every sentence that he spoke. Our house. We live here now.
It felt like a sick prank– you wished that it was just a prank. But the scene in front of you screams otherwise.
"Just let me out, Elias. This is not fucking funny."
"Do you think I'm joking?" He took a step near you, but you immediately took a step back. Whoever's facing you is not the Elias that you knew. And that realization is beyond terrifying.
"I don't know what changed since you told me that you would stay. That you could get used to it as long as you're with me. I just granted it–"
"I didn't say you should put me to another prison, Elias! I wanted out, I want to see the world!"
"Then look at the window!"
The situation is impossible. Elias is beyond impossible. You wanted to curse at him and to show him how absurd the situation is. But those are not your priority, your priority is to get out and leave this place behind.
Elias only stared at you, sighing, "I just wanted to be with you and take care of you," His eyes downcast, "I thought you'll sta–"
You immediately bolted towards the door, but Elias immediately grabbed you by your arm, slamming you to the wall.
"Why would you do that? Are you going to leave me too? Why?" He towered over you, caging you in his arms. You tried to squirm out of his grasp, but to no avail.
"Elias, stop it. Please just let go." His grip tightened.
"Let me go, please! Just let me go!" Elias held you tighter, trying to soothe you but all it did was make you squirm harder.
All of a sudden, you felt a sharp pain in your shoulder. And once again, everything felt heavy until it turned black.
He didn't mind the tears. He didn't mind the tantrums. He can take everything that you may throw at him. You promised to stay after all. Elias knew that one day you'll come around, he knew that you'll get used to it. Just like you always do.
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Divider: Cafekitsune
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genericpuff · 7 months ago
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Big steps are scary, but not moving forward is scarier u.u
So I've been sitting on this post for a little while now, I had planned to post it a few days ago but then I crashed for a nap and woke up to the news of LO ending so wound up using that as another excuse LOL
The last few months have been, to put it lightly, brutal. It's not that anything has happened, it's more like nothing is happening - the usual slow season in tattooing has been especially long, with especially less clients coming through the door, so while it's given me loads of free time to prepare for my conventions and work on other projects, it also means I'm not making as much as I'd usually make. And what I usually make is typically what supports everything I do here.
This has basically been me for the last half a year:
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(riding it out, just riiiding it out, whoof)
I'm very fortunate to have a job that satisfies my dream of making a living off art, controlling my own schedule, and making money doing it to boot - but the caveat to it all is that it's a luxury service that relies on the economy around me doing well, and the economy around me right now is very much NOT doing well. I'm also very fortunate that my savings are capable of supporting me, but that's all they are, savings - if I'm not making anything, they'll burn up eventually. I'm not sure how physically capable I would be of going back into retail / food service, and it's honestly just not something I want to do after coming this far as a tattoo artist.
I've also learned how valuable and necessary collaboration is during projects like these. Not just to supplement the quality of the work itself, but to supplement the working experience as a whole. Working with an assistant has been an eye-opening experience in that regard.
When I set out to make this account, it was for the purpose of LO shitposting, edits, essays, and nothing much more than that. I wanted to keep it separate for the sake of my mental health and for the sake of my separate audiences, because when I started here, it just... wasn't a popular opinion in the slightest to have opinions about LO and comics like it outside of the positive norm. I had a lot of fear for a long time built up in my head over it, but as time has gone on, I've fortunately had mostly positive experiences and even when they aren't positive... I've proven to myself that I'm capable of moving forward through it all with my head held high and that these scary experiences aren't as scary as they tend to seem in my head. That's really just the funny thing about fear over any sort of 'risky' endeavor.
That said, I've also branched out a lot more from this blog's original purpose. I've talked about the process of making webcomics, Webtoons as a platform, offered alternatives to creators seeking refuge from the more corporate platforms, given out writing and art advice, discussed topics concerning Greek myth, shared my own original works, and basically just naturally progressed into talking about and doing other things because LO will end eventually and I don't want to restrict myself to talking about the same comic forever LOL
This is a crossroads that I've been at for a few months now. And I know nothing will change unless I take a step forward. It might wind up not being in the right direction in the end, but it's forward, and that's all that really matters to me, because staying in the same place forever isn't good for anyone.
So, I guess I'm gonna stop yapping and just show y'all what I've been working on! I brought this up in a Twitch stream the other day and people in the chat were all very supportive and optimistic, so I'm hoping those of you who follow me here will be too ╭( ・ㅂ・)و (and if not, well, you can kick my ass in my inbox later LOL)
I've applied for my genericpuff account on Twitch to become an Affiliate channel and am just waiting on the approval process. Assuming everything goes through well enough, y'all will be able to subscribe to my channel or support it with bits. If I do get approved I'll be doing a rehaul of the channel design and offering some fun lil' goodies for the chat, and I'll be trying to stream at least twice a week.
So please go follow my Twitch account if you haven't yet! It's the best way to get early sneak peeks of Rekindled, as I'm usually working on new episodes, but we're usually also chatting about LO, webtoons related stuff, and other fun topics ٩(。•ω•。)و
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But now for the biggest new addition - I've started a Patreon account specifically for my genericpuff stuff ! Normally I would redirect anyone who asked to my main Patreon, but it's not as active nowadays simply due to my original projects being on hiatus. And it's not exactly the best space to share any bonus goodies related to my genericpuff account.
That said, I want to make it clear that I will still be putting limitations on what I offer on this page. Anything related to early access sneak peeks will still be free for all. This will be a glorified tip jar first and foremost, most of what I will be offering as bonus goodies and incentives will be stuff like time lapses of pages, art tutorials, original character designs, critique requests, early access adoptables, deleted scenes, etc.
Basically it'll be stuff that I'm already making (or want to make) but will be exclusive to patrons that won't be tied exclusively to the reading experience of Rekindled. The comic will always be free to read, not just because of the legal stipulations of it being a fan project, but because I want it to be.
Alternatively, if you want to access the stuff I have planned for my original work that I will be posting as early access to my Patreon once it rolls out, you can support that Patreon here!
From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for supporting what I do here, in all of its niche craziness. Building this little community over the past year has been life-changing, and I don't say that lightly. I've worked very hard to maintain what I'm doing here, and I'm going to continue doing so - it's a privilege to write and draw for you all week after week, and I appreciate any and all support you can give so I can keep managing what I do.
And if you can't, that's okay! The best way you can support my work is to read it, share it, and engage with it! Remember that reblogs will always be more beneficial than likes, and please don't ever be afraid to pop in to our streams or into our Discord to say hello! It would be a joy to have you ( ´ ∀ `)ノ~ ♡
Thank you all so much. This has been a big barrier to overcome on a mental level, my anxiety is through the ROOF right now, but I'm so grateful and glad I have such a wonderful circle of readers, community members, and friends who have offered their reassurance through this slow season and process of seeking support. Whether or not this is a step in the right direction, it's at least forward <3 And whatever comes of it, we'll see. But I'll be riding it out all the same ~
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majorbaby · 2 years ago
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Aside from being a Potter hater, I really do think it's a shame we lost Henry because McLean Stevenson was a comedic heavyweight not just as an actor but as a writer, giving us The Trial of Henry Blake and The Army-Navy Game. He was unafraid to commit whole-heartedly to the bit, and while some of Henry's heroism in Trial was probably McLean's positive bias, I think it was nice that we got to see Henry's competence as a doctor shine through despite his incompetence as a CO. On early MASH, this was the sign of a heroic character, so it falls neatly in line with what the narrative was trying to tell us anyway.
"Your boss is not your friend" but Henry didn't want to be anyone's boss and he doesn't appear to be suffering any delusions that he's any good at the job. He wants to hang out with the cool kids, Hawkeye and Trapper and do the things they do: get drunk, fuck around, practice medicine and dream of home. I can't think of a show that's replicated the Henry-Trapper-Hawkeye dynamic.
Any time Henry tries to use his rank, he ends up flat on his ass. Women reject him for it, Hawkeye and Trapper pull fast ones on him, and he never lives up to Burns and Houlihan's expectations anyway.
At one point Henry muses aloud to Hawkeye that he might be getting to do more interesting work as a doctor in the war than he was doing back home. I think this is one time I can actually stand to hear the other side of it. What Henry is expressing here is a disillusionment with comforts of upper-middle-to-upper-class suburban life, a very How did I get here??? moment for him if I may say so. And a pretty normal thing for him to feel.
I like how Larry Gelbart imagined Trapper might've responded to a similar hypothetical:
REPORTER: Do you feel this experience has in any way helped you as a doctor?
TRAPPER JOHN: Let me ask you a question: just how many people you figure’re going to be carried into my office someday with a chunk of shrapnel sticking out of their heads? I don’t know where you live, pal, but where I come from very few folks ever step on a landmine in the middle of trying to cross the street.
Instead of Henry coming to this himself, we have Hawkeye to shoot him down immediately, and good on him for it, but those kinds of initial reflections on the state of one's life are the first step to doing something about one's dissatisfaction. For a character like Henry, who isn't often moved to do anything that pushes him outside of his comfort zone, I like this as some depth for him. And I would've liked to have seen him stay on and be proved wrong, you know, without him dying on the way to his beautiful house, beautiful wife etc.
I also think McLean would've handled the shift from the more comedic to dramatic moments masterfully. We already see pieces of it in Sometimes You Hear the Bullet and Abyssinia Henry.
And most importantly we lost something when the incompetent draftee CO was replaced by the on-my-third-war-ex-cavalry-man-and-damn-proud-of-it guy. There's an assumed 'respect' everyone, even Hawkeye, is expected to afford Potter if not for his rank, then his age. This is the opposite of what was done with Henry, where Hawkeye and Trapper openly flouted the notion that they should respect Henry because of his rank.
Like even if Trapper had stayed on and continued in his unquestioning support of Hawkeye's campaigns, I don't think that would've flown with Potter unless the show was willing to make him the butt of the joke the way that Henry sometimes was and indeed there's not much evidence of it ever happening post season 4. There is that one episode where he gets high and the gang ferry him back and forth to get him to requisition supplies - which was great, and very Henry-like but I can't think of many other examples.
Because MASH was progressive for it's time, it's very interesting to see where it draws the line. It didn't do great with race, it was so-so with women all the way through... but these things seem pretty obvious and to some even forgivable on account of "it's the product of its time". I think another limit for the show was the treatment of the highest-ranking officer on the base in the later years. Henry vs. Potter - Henry who the show had no problem trampling over and Potter who it very politely tip-toed past, resulting in some comparatively lukewarm and dated statements on authority. When it comes to Potter "Your boss is not your friend" is something Hawkeye, BJ, Klinger and Radar all need to hear.
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ravennaortiz · 9 months ago
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Came from this request.
Tag list: @hatersaremymotivators
Summary: Coco x OC Daniela( Dani) Reyes. 18+
Both Coco and Dani have been unlucky in life can they find healing and their second chances in each other? Or will outside forces tear them apart?
Word Count: 2.4+K
It was late as Daniela made her way home from the bar a couple blocks away. Her phone had died over an hour ago and she hadn't told anyone she would be going out. This was the shit her brothers were always on her case about and she always brushed them off. Now that she was positive she was being followed she wished she had listened more. Granted it was just her most recent ex and she doubted he would do anything but tendrils of fear still seeped into her movements.
As she turned the corner into an alley she glanced back only to come to a complete stop as she ran into something. More like someone as she felt arms steady her. "You okay?" inquired a tall, good looking, dark haired guy. "Umm, I'm sorry" she managed to get out as she laughed nervously. "Good thing you weren't driving a car or you would have flattened me" joked the man as he watched her glance back the way she came and nervously shift her weight.
Moving to look back to the street he saw a man waiting a few feet away. "That guy bothering you?" he inquired as he turned back to the girl. Daniela simply bit her lower lip wondering if she was trading one problem for another. This guy seemed nice enough but that was how she had always felt until they turned into monsters that her brothers had to handle. Daniela shut her eyes as she felt tears start to form as she simply nodded. "I'll take care of him. Stay here" stated the stranger as he stepped out of the alley.
"Do you have much farther to go?" inquired the stranger a few minutes later when he stepped back into the alley. "No, I live fairly close" Daniela replied. "I can walk with you the rest of the way if you want?" inquired the stranger as he shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets. "I don't want to interrupt your evening" murmured Daniela as she shook her head making the stranger laugh as he looked around at the dark, smelly alleyway they were standing in.
"Nah your good. I shouldn't even be here and I'm taking this as a sign to get going" replied the stranger as he looked her over. She was pretty and seemed sweet but her eyes had an edge to them that called to him. She nodded as she spoke. "Thanks. I know about listening to signs myself" she replied as she moved out of the alley with him alongside her. Not that she usually listened well to them she thought to herself as memories threatened to spill from behind the wall she had built.
"No problem" replied the stranger as they moved down the quite streets. "I'm Johnny by the way. Most people call me Coco though" offered the stranger as they walked. "Daniela but I prefer Dani" offered Dani with a soft smile as she glanced over at him. He was tall and dark haired with eyes that felt like they could see her soul.
The two walked in a comfortable silence until they got to her house. Coco hung back by her gate wanting to make sure she made it inside before he made his way off. As Dani opened the door she turned back to Coco. "Do you want to come in?".
Coco looked at her in shock at the question. "Umm....."running his hand through his hair not sure what to say.
***
3 months later
"Your looking healthy man" stated Gilly as he sat at his kitchen table across from Coco. "Work in progress. I'm doing this not just for me but for Letty and my girl. I need them and this is the only way." Coco replied as he smiled down as he thought of his daughter and Dani. The two of them were the bright spots in his dark life. "Going to meet her family tonight" added Coco with a nervous chuckle.
"That's good. I'm sure her family will love you" nodded Gilly as he grinned. "When do I get to meet this special lady? Would love to put a face to the woman who has my best friend strung out on love instead of drugs" laughed Gilly as Coco grinned. "Hell. I don't even know her name and I'm starting to thinks she's not real" continued Gilly as Coco flipped him off and rolled his eyes.
"She's real. I just don't wanna jinx it" muttered Coco as he grabbed his phone out of his pocket and started scrolling through his photos. "Here" he replied sliding his phone across. Gilly took the phone laughing but froze the moment he saw the photo. "She's very pretty" he offered as he looked at the photo of the little sister of two of his brothers in the MC. "What's her name?" he inquired as he pushed the phone back. "Daniela but she goes by Dani" replied Coco oblivious o the war raging in Gillys head.
"I haven't exactly talked to her about the club yet, like she knows about them but I haven't gotten into that mess. Need to talk to Bishop first and even see if I can come back before i get to explaining all that" continued Coco as he looked up at his friend. "All you can do is ask man. I doubt he would decline but you gotta keep working hard" replied Gilly as he shrugged his shoulders.
Coco nodded as he finished his drink. "I think I'm going to head over that way. Wish me luck for tonight" he stated as he stood up and pulled on his jacket. Gilly stood and hugged him tightly. "Good luck. Can't wait to hear how it goes" Gilly replied making Coco laugh. "What are we teenage girls that gossip after a date?" joked Coco with a shake of his head.
***
Dani was nervous as they finally parked in front of her fathers house. The last time she had been here had led to a blow up between her and her oldest brother. While she knew his intentions had been good, his words had still stung like a slap to the face. A sensation she had gotten used to thanks to the guys of her past. Her other brother had tried to referee the situation but it was to little to late. So for the last year she had kept her distance.
"I feel like I've been here before" murmured Coco as he took in Dani's fathers house as the two of them walked up the wooden steps. "Really?" Dani replied turning the knob to the door as she glanced back at Coco whose eyes were wide as he caught sight of her brothers motorcycles. "You okay Johnny?" Dani questioned as she let go of the knob and placed her palm on his cheek bringing his gaze back to her. "Umm yeah. I just... I just didn't know your pops was into motorcycles" Coco stammered slightly. He could feel a cold sweat starting to trickle down his back.
"Oh. Those are my brothers." Dani replied as she bit her lip. "Their good guys..... just protective" she added as she watched him look back at the motorcycles studying them. "Nice, we will have something in common" replied Coco turning to Dani with a smile. Gonna have a lot in common he thought to himself as Dani nodded before opening the door and pulling him in.
"Hi Papi" started Dani as the three men in the living room turned to the door before Angel cut her off. "The fuck are you doing here?" demanded Angel as he lunged out of his chair. "Pops asked" started Dani taken aback by his anger. "I'm not talking to you Daniela" Angel replied cutting her off again as EZ grabbed ahold of him.
"Chill" mumbled EZ as he held Angel in place as he observed their little sister who was near tears and Coco who looked like he wished the earth would open beneath his feet. "Angel and EZ Reyes are your brothers" chuckled Coco nervously as he ran his hands over his face. Fuck me he thought to himself. "Really wish you had mentioned that or told me they were in the Mayans MC too. So I could have saved us both a lot of trouble" he continued as he felt his heart crumble.
"Johnny" started Dani as she went to grab his hand as he turned to the door. "Its okay. You have dinner with your family" he murmured before walking out and closing the door quietly. Before Dani could react Angel breezed by her following after Coco as EZ sighed.
***
"So your just going to run away? Fuck with my baby sister and leave her like trash?" yelled Angel as he caught up to Coco and shoved him. "I didn't know man." replied Coco as he put his hands up in defense not wanting to fight his friend. "Now you do. So stay the hell away from her or else" threatened Angel before turning back to the house.
"You really know how to pick them" stated Angel once he was inside the house. Rolling his eyes as EZ consoled their sister who was sobbing. "Wasting tears on a loser" he added as he grabbed his beer from the table and drank it. Ignoring the look EZ shot him.
"Johnny isn't a loser" snapped Dani as she turned her eyes on Angel. "Trust me on this. He was just using you to keep his bed war--" started Angel before his head snapped to the side. "Dani" scolded EZ as he grabbed her arm and positioned himself back between his siblings. "That's what I should have done the last time too" spat Dani as she shook EZ's hand off her as Angel rubbed his stinging cheek.
"You two, kitchen now" stated their father as he stood up from his chair pointing at Angel and EZ.
"Pops" started Angel once the men were in the kitchen. "Be quiet" snapped pops angrily. "I will not lose my daughter. Is that understood? I do not care what issues you have with that young man but for the last few months he is all she has gone on about. She is the happiest she has been since your mother passed." he ranted as he looked from Angel to EZ. "Fix it" he stated slamming his hands on the table making both men flinch.
***
"So you think he loves her?" questioned Angel as he sipped on his beer watching Coco from across the clubhouse a few days later. "Yeah, you have no idea how caught up in her he is man. She's all he talked about. " nodded Gilly as he frowned looking at his friend with his face down on the table. Ez sighed as he joined Angel and Gilly. "Well Dani finally answered only to tell me to go fuck myself and she hopes you choke on a dick. Angel rubbed his face as he considered his next move.
Angel slammed his chair back and stalked over to where Coco was sitting with EZ hot on his heels unsure what his brother planned to do.
Coco didn't acknowledge either of them as he continued to scroll through his phone looking at photos of him and Dani. The ache he felt without her was worse than any day of withdrawal he had went through.
"Listen man. I'm sorry for being such an ass the other night. I was....a bit surprised" offered Angel as he took a seat across from Coco. Angel frowned when Coco didn't respond after a couple of minutes.
"Dani hasn't always made the best choices with guys and she's gotten seriously hurt in the past. We worry about her and with your...past its" started EZ trying to help Angel out.
"Don't talk to me like I don't know shit about her Boy Scout" snarled Coco as he sat up his eyes dark with anger. "She told me about all of that when I was telling her not to waste her time on a outlaw addict like me months ago. Neither of you would know that though because no one wants to give me a damn chance." he yelled drawing attention before slamming his chair back and storming out of the clubhouse.
***
Dani was stepping out of the shower when her phone dinged.
My Love: Can I swing by? Need to tell you something important.
Dani thought for a moment before replying and making her way to her living room to wait.
Coco took a moment to try and calm his nerves before he opened the door with the key Dani had given him. He was so thankful for her and he only hoped she would forgive him for the other night at her fathers house.
Dani stood up when she heard the key in the lock. She toyed with the string on her silk robe nervously as the door swung open and she watched Coco close and lock it behind him. "Dani, I just want to say I love you and...." Coco stopped speaking as his brain registered what he was seeing. Even though they had been dating for awhile they had yet to have sex and seeing Dani in just her robe had him swallowing hard as he struggled to concentrate.
Dani smiled at him before replying. "I love you too. I want to be with you. I want you always".
Coco nodded as he kept his eyes glued to hers as she spoke. He caught the twinkle of mischief in them right before she undid her robe and let it fall open. Coco couldn't help but let his eyes drift over every perfect inch of her bare flesh. Licking his lips at the thought of running his tongue and hands across it.
"Like what you see?" questioned Dani as she moved closer letting the robe slip off and puddle at her feet. Coco simply nodded before cupping her face and pulling her in for a kiss. His hands roamed down her sides and onto her ass. "I'm so lucky your mine" he whispered into her ear.
***
Coco's phone going off the next morning woke both of them. "Sorry" he murmured into Danis back as he kissed her skin before reaching to grab it.
"Hello?" he grumbled as rubbed his face
"First congrats on you and Dani. Second your tires are flat per EZ. Third you have an appointment this afternoon with Angels fist" laughed Gilly into the phone as Angel and EZ grumbled in the background.
Coco laughed as Dani rolled over having heard the conversation. Gently she straddled him as she grabbed the phone.
"Hey Gilly. Tell my brothers to fix his bike and he's going to be busy for the next day or two" she stated firmly before ending the call and tossing the phone off the bed.
Want more Coco? Click here
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chibrary · 10 months ago
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ARTICLE: Charles Leclerc: "Ho imparato anche a dire le parolacce" (2020)
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source: alessandra retico for repubblica.it translation: lovingleclerc2 on twitter series: f1, 2020
Might your arrival in Maranello negatively influenced Vettel’s performances?
I don't think so, on the contrary I think he was pushed even more to show what his true value is, although we all already know that he's a great driver.
Do you have any advice to give him?
I would never allow myself to, he has done much more than me in this sport and he deserves respect.
But between you, there were contrasts and sparks on track.
Yes, but our relationship has always been very good. Maybe at first it was a bit strange because of my 'fault': I was next to a 4-time world champion. It intimidated me, it made me anxious. He is so renowned while I still haven't proved anything. But over time we have sympathized. There's always been a great respect even in difficult times like in Brazil last year or in Styria this year. But once off track we always made it clear and we went on with serenity.
Are you serene about the future?
I'm extremely motivated, happy to get the most out of a difficult situation like this. It won’t be a quick recovery for Ferrari but my job is also to try to push everyone to make sure that this difficult period is as short as possible. Mentally I am as focused as ever and although I would like to fight for higher positions, I know that I‘m doing a good job and that the team is happy with me. Of course, being happy with a 5th or 6th place is not really what I want, I will never want that, but it satisfies me to progress to be as ready as possible when the time comes, for me and for Ferrari.
When will the time come?
As for performance, it'll be difficult to make a miracle with the 2021 car. In 2022, there'll be big changes and from then on we’ll have many years with the same concept of cars. We must start that phase competitive and with enthusiasm.
What can you promise to fans realistically?
To give my best, to give a show, this I can promise.
Meanwhile your popularity is growing.
For me, it has always been very important to stay the closest to the people who follow me on social media, on TV, or on track. Now that it’s more difficult without an audience, I want to maintain this closeness. The contact, virtual or physical, being accessible to others, for me is essential. And I’ll tell you more: next year I’m going to expand my social networks, which now are very thematized on my professional life, with content about me behind the scenes, out of track, in my private, to let people see who I am and what I do between one race and the other. I want to tell of myself as a person more.
Who is the private Charles Leclerc?
A normal guy, who enjoys the time he spends with his friends and family. Although since I’m in Ferrari a lot has changed: not like I did bad things before, but now I also have to give a good image of myself outside the car. Just saying, if I eat at the table I have to be careful how I’m doing it.
Your strong and your weak point?
: "I am strong in self-analysis: I'm very sincere with myself and this makes me grow a lot. My weak point is being sometimes too harsh in judging myself. Before, I was very upset about making mistakes that I still make out of inexperience or too much desire. But being demoralized is useless, the past cannot be changed. Making mistakes made me more mature, mentally very strong.
Ferrari will be without a world champion. Did they choose well with Carlos Sainz?
I don't know why they took him rather than another, but Carlos is very strong and consistent. Last year towards the end of the season he used to ask me if there was a free seat in the Red car, I replied that I didn't know, but he already had stars in the eyes.
What do you like the most and the least about Italy?
I like the simplicity, besides food of course. One flaw? I hear the bad words from the mechanics and I got into the habit of saying a lot of them too, I say more in Italian than in French.
Will your brother, now in the FDA, get to Maranello?
It’s soon, but he deserves it. He didn’t have my chances, we started together but then didn’t have enough money to continue both, my father gave the priority to me as I am older, Arthur had to stop and started again since I’ve got into F1, my uncle and I help him. He's talented, we are similar in personality. He will find his way.
Today Mick Schumacher makes his debut with Alfa Romeo in free practice. How much does it matter to be the son of Michael?
The Schumacher name is powerful in F1 and not only, but Mick is here for his talent and not for his name. It’s going to be tough here with this cold weather, for him and for everyone, we look like skiers. What about us? Some aerodynamic update, but we’ll struggle with tyres.
Do you envy anything to Hamilton or Verstappen?
I'm happy with who I am, I don't look at others, in F1 you have to be the best & I try to be the best version of myself. When we have Ferrari in front I hope I’ll be able to show what this team's worth.
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gaoau · 10 months ago
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smth smth uhhh tsurune character analysis time wsg
i've never done this before in my life and i shouldn't even be doing it cause that's crazy tf BUT hi :blush: i'm Kisaragi Nanao's number one fan and hater simultaneously and i need to talk about it. chances are none of this will make the slightest bit of sense, cause thinking about his brain for more than five minutes usually has me going around in circles like a headless chicken. its been almost a year and i have not been able to stop thinking about him, not even in my most trying times so i might as well do the one thing i'm good at and write each and every single one of my thoughts down so the void can eat them all up. my friends are tired of hearing me talk about this so now its your turn, people in the tsurune but more specifically the Nanao tag on tumblr dot com. i'll try to avoid the Kaito talk as much as i can cause i wanna make this solely about Nanao, but i also understand that a lot of their character development goes hand in hand with one another, so it's sort of inevitable
to be completely honest, i wanted to be a Ryohei girlie so bad, i would've even settled for Seiya. i just knew the moment Nanao pulled up and was presented as the flirty annoying playboy, i wouldn't like him. i said it with my whole chest, firmly believing i would find absolutely no reason anywhere in his character to enjoy him. motherfucker i have never been more wrong in my life. at first glance, it doesn't even look like there's much to talk about, cause he doesn't do a whole lot in the first season. except he does. there's only snippets of depth in his character that exist, but he does not let show in order to watch over everyone around him. his introduction is loud and frivolous, especially with one of his first spoken sentences being about his "hakama beauty."
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sure, he's good at kyudo, but he's not particularly excellent nor passionate about the sport. this, however, is not true, which builds up in his character as the first season progresses and eventually overflows in the second season. for a character that, in universe, is shown to be in the spotlight consistently ever since he was a child, he's none of that on the range, because that isn't his place. his position on the range is not as important as it is outside of it; he is the yonteki, he is neither at the beginning nor the middle nor the end, he cannot show off, he cannot be the centre of attention as he tends to be. it's true that he attracts a lot of attention and plays into it naturally, because he enjoys it and extroverts, however unfortunate, do exist, but he knows when to take a step back and when to go all out.
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there's something i can't ever seem to quite put my finger on. although he is naturally easy-going and playful, this is only a ramped-up front he uses to watch from the back. it's like he's hiding, like he's staying nonchalant and uncommitted so things wash over him. he's blunt. he's so blunt. he really doesn't sugarcoat things, he just doesn't say them until he needs to. i don't wanna call it manipulation, cause that's got a rather negative connotation, but i do wanna call it manipulation, cause that's what it is. he knows how to manipulate responses and reactions with how easy he reads the people around him, and he uses all of that in a very level-headed way to keep peace, though it's always mainly Kaito. it's as if people are malleable to him. it's in the way he pulls Ryohei into doing that whole charade to get Kaito to like Minato, in how he straight up tells Kaito "yeah, it's cause you're being annoyingly tsundere, we're just giving you a push," or in how he tells Minato "yeah, Kacchan don't like you, but he's working on it."
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he knows, he's watching, and he's making sure everyone is being accounted for without meddling too much. he sets things into motion with the right push, but he stays out of it, uninvolved. he keeps going on and on about how he's only doing kyudo with nothing but simple bull-headedness, like it doesn't matter all that much, like he can just shrug things off and let Kaito's impulsive comments not get to him. he plays it off, he plays everything off, leaning into that flighty, frivolous prince charming persona, but at the end of the day, he's the most mature and emotionally intelligent of the bunch. 
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most of his development is built around connections. whenever Kaito reminds him that he is not taking kyudo seriously, that kyudo is not a game, that kyudo is more than just fun and looking pretty in hakama, Nanao keeps quiet. it's something he knows very well, because none of those are any of the reasons he ever picked up a bow in the first place. he has been watching over Kaito since they were children, going so far as to follow him into kyudo and into the same high-school. however, this is something that Kaito does not recognize for the longest time—not until Nanao actively blows up on him and spells it out for him. Nanao doesn't need for his efforts to be recognized, because he is only doing it to keep peace and read everyone carefully—not only Kaito—to figure out what makes who tick.
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he supports his buddies from the back and intervenes only when it's necessary. he aims to please without being self-abandoning; he keeps true to his own self while being a perfect fit for everyone. despite claiming his reasons for shooting are frivolous and superficial, Nanao has an understanding of what sets the people around him off that makes keeping him around necessary, because he shoots for Kaito and now for this team, rather than the target in front of him. he knows, he's so perceptive of it all. there's a scene stuck in my head where Ryohei tries to speak up about the whole Seiya-Nikaido interaction that was bugging him, but he ended up going back on it last minute, and Nanao straight up went "bro, either you commit to it or don't talk."
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idk!! call it his big brother instincts, cause that's another thing. things do kinda make a lot more sense when you consider that he is the only one out of everyone in the club (that we know of, cause there's not much about my girls) who is an older sibling. Kaito has two older sisters, Seiya has an older brother, Ryohei has an older sister, and Minato is an only child. Nanao is the only big brother. god i'm losing my fucking mind.
i called him loud and i'll keep calling him loud, but in all honesty Nanao is a lot more silent than he seems. he flirts with his fanclub and attempts it too with the girls in the club, he is quite loud with his "Merha!", he pushes and prods all around with funny comments because, at the end of the day, he is still an entertainer, a mood-maker, and most of all, he's a child. he's still a fifteen-year-old kid that's just dicking around with his friends cause it's not that deep. he's a kid. however, he is consistently reading everyone around him, keeping peace from behind them, working his way around everyone’s quirks and kinks. he's been somewhat forced into this caretaking role, taking comments like "it'd be nice if you and Kaito went to the same school so you can keep him in check" to heart. he too wishes he could be there for his cousin to reel him back in when he steps out of line. and he does, he tries, being the first one to react and try to pull Kaito back before he can bash Minato's face in.
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he does things carefully in a way that won't put pressure on anyone other than himself, watching and watching and watching and being so hypersensitive to the smallest of mood changes from anyone. that one little sigh Ryohei gave, to which he immediately went, "what's wrong?" while nobody else batted an eye. when he is the one whose patience finally runs thin, he confronts Kaito about it with truths he has never needed to explain because Kaito would not have been able to digest them properly, and Nanao has always known.
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he competes not to win, but to keep up, to stay with his cousin and his team; not approaching a sport with a competitive mindset would be a hindrance to the team, which does not mean he is competitive himself. and he loves kyudo, too, just as much. his expressions and mannerisms are subtle and soft in a way that anyone would miss, but he is happy to see the people that surround him stay on track, with or without his help.
i lose my train of thought every time i start a new sentence cause there's so much i have to say about Nanao. there's a crazy amount of points i go over in my head time and time again. the fact that his hit rate is so consistent, enough to keep up with Kaito and almost with Seiya. how he does not give one flying fuck about Noririn, but he indulges Daigo anyway cause it's fun and it works and he's got nothing to lose by showing a little bit of interest in some guy's idol obsession. how he was watching from the outside, because Kaito never told him what happened with Masaki or why he suddenly wanted to start kyudo, but he was so into it that he was going in all on his own. (i say "never told him" but there's that audio drama where he did, in fact, tell him and the boys.) how kyoani uses him as a sort of bridge between the girlies and the boys just cause he's that much of a social chameleon, i guess. how he's the only other character aside from Minato, the MC mind you, who has not one but TWO features in the character songs album. he's a bridge dawg he's a fit for everyone and anyone. i dunno man i have so many thoughts and zero words to articulate them, but i love this kid. shoutout to this kid, i hope he's having a great day and his lemon teas are always the right temperature. lil bro needs a pat on the back and i wanna be the one to give it to him.
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jsprnt · 1 year ago
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Healing Hearts PT.1 | Virgil van Dijk
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Would a fresh start bring you more than just a new job?
WC: 806
Summary: Y/N L/N is a very skilled and praised physiotherapist. A certain event pushing her for a fresh start, as a physiotherapist for Liverpool FC. One question always being in the back of her mind: Will she be able to let go of her past and allow herself to experience new things?
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I throw my blanket off of me for what feels like the millionth time these past two hours. Shifting on my new bed. These covers were expensive, though it seems like I won't be fully enjoying them tonight.
My head is full of thoughts, making up certain scenario's over and over again. I turn my phone on again it unlocks immediately, the Face ID somehow recognizing my horribly tired state. "Oh thanks I guess", I mumble, a little offended.
My fingers instinctively tap onto my e-mail, opening that one message again. 'We welcome you for your first day at Liverpool FC next Monday'. The words read, it still felt weird. It wasn't like I had no experience at new clubs, no I had quite a bit of that, despite my age.
I never specifically dreamt of becoming a physiotherapist growing up. I had fantasies about literally every profession. I had my vast collection of career Barbies to thank for that. Although, I did have a preference of studying medicine, accompanied with the delight of my parents, though our relationship had never been the best. That's just what I did. I had met a lot of people during that time of my life, including my best girlfriends. Couldn't have gone through all those sleepless study sessions without them.
I did some research before graduating high school. Looking at all the bachelor studies universities close to me had to offer. Then I realized physiotherapy was my calling. My last year internship was then, by the fate of the universe at AFC Ajax. Thankfully, it wasn't far from home at all. The connections, knowledge and memories I had built there still manages put a smile on my face when I think of them. I was so lucky to be able to experience that. When they offered me a three year contract after graduating I didn't hesitate to sign. Those three years had me build up so much knowledge and the mentors were amazing people to look up to.
That's unfortunately also how I met my ex Theodore (Yes, he was as snobby as his name), he was a supporter, sitting in the VIP chairs. I can't lie and say it wasn't love at first sight, our relationship progressed from there.
Years later an insane offer was presented to me when I was nearing the end of my contract at Ajax. FC Barcelona's head physio wanted me on his team! He had heard about my skills from people in the industry. After much consideration and discussions with my loved ones I decided to accept my new job at FC Barcelona.
To my surprise my ex had also decided to move with me. After all he was practically filthy rich, living off ofhis mommy's money. So, he wasn't bound to be somewhere for work or anything. I can't help but roll my eyes when I think of what that man-child put me through. The only positive thing about him was the connections I built at parties and gatherings he made me go to as his little picture perfect girlfriend. Ladies, only date a rich man once for the connections and money. Don't let it drag on for to long though, know when to get out before it gets too toxic.
My time at FC Barcelona was amazing, though I didn't feel that free with my boyfriend breathing down my neck at anything I did. I worked hard, the players and staff were amazing. I still talk to some of them today, a message here and there to check in on each other. When me and Theo finally broke up I decided to move away and quit working at Barcelona, it was a difficult decision with many players and staff trying to convince me to stay, but I had to. Just to feel fully separated from him.
That puts me here in Liverpool, laying restlessly in my bed at almost two in the morning. I glance outside my apartment, my curtains half drawn. Some of the city lights reflecting back onto the window glass. A smile replaces my previously anxious expression. Working hard and spending hard had its perks.
I turn my phone off, placing my head on my new not-yet-comfortable pillow, grabbing another one for comfort. My racing thoughts tire me out, my eyes fluttering shut, curious for what will happen tomorrow...
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divinepriestesskokomi · 4 months ago
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Long rant undercut cause certain mischaracterization has been getting on my nerves lately. Feel free to ignore.
It frustrates me SO much to see people constantly mischaracterizing Tighnari as being mean and rude when that's like, the complete opposite of how he is in cannon.
Like people just see his sharp wit or how he will lecture people and take that to mean he's some sort of jerk without actually looking into his character at all.
Like we are talking about the guy who:
Was apparently so pleasant to talk to during his Akademiya days that tons of other students would come to him for help on course work.
Would let people take pictures with him even though he hates having his photo taken.
Took in and cared for Collei, an abused and deeply traumatized child with a terminal illness, and was so kind and patient with her that she's now grown confident and has made incredible progress in her life.
Took full responsibility for her education, teaching her to read, write, and cook, and is now teaching her all about the duties of a forest ranger and how to perform basic medicine. Even when it was assumed that she would die young due to her eleazar, he still encouraged her dream of studying medicine.
Is very protective of Collei and attentive to her needs, making sure to change her forest ranger duties around to accommodate her eleazar and doing his best to make sure her feelings aren't hurt.
When Collei felt self conscious about being illiterate, he comforted her by saying "We all start having no knowledge — in this you are no different from anyone else."
Will gladly teach anyone whose willing to learn.
Has an idle voiceline where he says to not be afraid of making mistakes because it's all a part of the learning process.
Let the traveler stay in his hut TWICE while they recovered.
Had a passionate speech about how all life is important and deserves respect.
Left the Akademiya because he disagrees with the way they commodify knowledge.
Frequently turns down high ranking positions in the Akademiya because he is so passionate about protecting the forest.
Took in and cares for Karkata even though it could get him in trouble with the Akademiya.
Comforted and encouraged Layla when she was feeling self-conscious during the Interdarshan Champsionship.
Constantly invites his friends and family over for dinner.
Dotes on his friends and family, even scolding them for not taking proper care of themselves.
Planned surprise parties for both Collei and Kaveh on their birthdays.
Dropped everything to go to the desert, a place he struggles in, just so he could be there to support Cyno in a difficult time,
Made a point to remind Cyno that he is his own person outside of his job and Hermanubis.
After the events in the Temple of Silence, has gone out of his way to make Sethos feel included in their friend group, even introducing him to the rest of their friends.
Is described by Cyno, Collei, Kaveh, Alhaitham, and Lisa as being a good, kind person.
He's a teacher at heart, so of course he's stern when it comes to teaching people, especially when they've done something wrong. But it's not like he yells at people, I'd describe it more like "I'm not mad, just disappointed" energy.
Yeah, he looses his patience and gets snappy with people who actively choose to be ignorant despite constantly being corrected. But honestly, anyone who has a job that works with the public will understand just how exhausted it can be to constantly be reminding people of information that is right in front of them. Lord knows I'd be more frustrated with Farbod for repeatedly eating poisonous mushrooms after telling him not to.
I don't know. This was a very long rant, but I just hate seeing people constantly paint Tighnari as some bad guy just for getting frustrated at people doing foolish things. He's really caring and thoughtful, and anyone who did even a little bit of research on his character could see that. He can be both kind AND witty, those things aren't mutually exclusive.
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blueberrypancakesworld · 11 months ago
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Vampyr - Dance in Blood - Door.6
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warning : fluff, kiss
The calendar
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At night in London, when everyone was asleep and the cold winter temperatures moved through the cracks of the houses and apartments, everyone just snuggled together even more.
The rat-catcher to his dog and cat, the family to each other and the love pass was lying naked in front of the fireplace.
But it wasn't just the population that stayed warm, even in the only place besides the bars and the pubs, there was still a light burning in the Pembroke Hospital.
There was always light until it was slowly replaced by the sun's rays in the morning. But they burned from morning to night from January to December.
It burned and burned. But it was in winter that the light bulbs, which were always running at full power, sometimes reached their limits.
The limits of technology and progress. It was not uncommon, especially in the winter months, for nurses to be frightened when the light bulbs above them flickered and shattered in the cold.
They didn't get hurt, but it was still dangerous. But in times of a pandemic and deaths, the hospital couldn't take care of it perosnally, at least not immediately.
And the longer they had to deal with their tasks, they knew they would soon be standing in a shower of candles and torches.
To everyone's regret, the entire main hall was covered in candles that provided light and warmth. But candles could not only give warmth and light...they also led to love.
,,My dear, don't you want to take a break? You've been working for almost a day," she heard her darling's voice and felt the doctor running after her as she ran to the cupboard with the medication.
,,Jonathan, you can do it, you have the time...you have all the time...but I don't, there are so many patients to see," she said and leaned against him for a moment as she felt his hands on her hips. His cold was pleasant, not as icy as the winter outside.
Jonathan's warmth was more inviting than any winter could ever be. She could smell the blood and smoke on him and she felt her heart ache at the thought that he had to leave in a few hours.
But while she took care of the people, he took care of the living dead. ,,Then give me another hour and I'll come back for you," he demanded, his voice calm, not wanting to irritate her before she felt his kiss on her cheek before he disappeared into the shadows and left her alone.
She knew exactly that he appreciated her ability to act and loved her for it. But he also knew that she needed a break and a break he would give her.
She lost herself in her work for another hour, barely paying attention to the clock. Not noticing how most of the nurses lay down for an hour and the doctors took some of the work off the women's hands.
All except one. His darling wanted to go up the stairs again to fetch new bandages when she saw him emerge from the darkness.
Saw the bouquet of flowers in his hands, saw how it was snowing outside and a few of the snowflakes flew onto the tiles of the entrance area.
Saw how he came towards her and she couldn't help but accept the flowers. ,,A break like I said my love" he insisted and she took his hand. She didn't know if he wanted to hug her or just look at her.
Before she saw the candles that had already gone out light up, the darkness in the corners increased and only the two of them existed in the flaming ice mixture. ,,A quiet dance for the cold break," he whispered and she smiled as he began to take her hand and position her.
,,A little break," she replied and gave him a grateful kiss before he started to move and she let him lead her. He held her and felt her lean against him and he grinned as she relaxed.
,,A Christmas break," he murmured before he extinguished the candles with a flick of his wrist through the shadows and cradled her in his arms. He went back to his office and laid her down on his bed, knowing that she had more than earned her break.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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theambitiouswoman · 1 year ago
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Hiii sista...
So I'll be pretty straight now
Here in the work, I'm really obsessed over boys especially one guy heree( cause he been sweet o me🙄) but he been sweet as in for the work culture..I'm tho really admired him by now... I've really obsessed to such extent that I lost myself (ik why this is happening because I've been isolated myself for so many years due to many issues) now I think I'm hurting myself ,which I don't want to
I'm basically a person who always stay alone but then now you see😔😔????
Even some people say " you can't stay alone forever, you need someone "
I'm really confused because I have my own responsibilities to handle, I'll be asking myself these questions that " how can you distract, when you have so many responsibilities"" .....
Gurllll.... you're the only person on planet who gives me the best advice without hesitation which I'm always grateful...
Please help Mee..I'm already on tears while writing I can't stop myself crying then came here writting
Help me sister , I'm broke
Oh my goodness! No don't cry!
I think the real issue here is that you have been isolated for so long, and now you are exposed to a different reality and you have little control over your emotions. Now they are on overdrive. And this would honestly be a natural response, so that doesn't mean you are going crazy.
It's true that everyone desires companionship. I understand your feelings, especially after being isolated for so long. There are two things I want to talk about in response.
First, that guy at work might seem really impressive. But keep in mind, you've only just started working there and you don't really know much about him. Maybe you're drawn to his confidence or the way he speaks. Maybe he's different from people you've met before.
For starters, just because you were isolated it doesn't mean that you have dealt with your own emotions from the past, or healed. We can't run away from our issues, they will eventually resurface. Time doesn't really heal all wounds.
Remember, you don't "need" anyone. It's more about wanting companionship. Needing someone can feel like chasing after them. You're not desperate. You have standards and know what you want in a partner. Don't settle just because you're feeling lonely.
Another way of looking at this would be, do you think any person who has you acting out of character like this, all nervous and anxious.. do you think this is someone who has a positive affect on your life. Love is peace. Chemistry is dwindling and could even be a reaction based on how you know love, toxic or healthy, and your past experiences. The right person for you will inspire the best in you and ill die on that hill.
Take your time to heal from past experiences before jumping into a new relationship. Believe in yourself and remind yourself of your good qualities. Focus on things you enjoy doing and that make you happy outside of work.
Work towards your own personal goals and don't rush into a relationship just to fill a void. Take care of yourself by exercising, doing things you like, and spending time outdoors.
Imagine the kind of relationship you want in the future, and remember to be proud of your progress and growth. While finding a partner is important, it's even more important to build a strong relationship with yourself first.
Finally, you are not broken, you are simply building yourself into the person you have always wanted to be. We are not fixing our past self, we are turning ourselves into the dream version of ourself.
<3
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spitblaze · 10 months ago
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Cis Men run... every institution. Cis men are at the head of every government in the world, Cis Men created the system we all have to live in and made themselves the Societal default. It's kind of hard to feel sympathy for Men on anything other than an individual level when in a broad sense, Men are the reason for literally all of their own problems. Men are the ones who protest ANY form of progress, even if it would be beneficial to them, even when it means addressing and getting rid of things like Toxic Masculinity and allowing them to live in a freer, less rigidly definitive way. Men are the reason we literally all have to be scared all the fucking time just to stay safe. That's not TERF shit. That's literal centuries of oppression and the result of everyone who isn't a Cis Man having to learn very quickly how to keep themselves safe FROM Cis Men. Masculinity isn't the problem, Maleness is not inherently the problem, not all Men are inherently the problem. But in an abstract sense, assuming all Men are untrustworthy or potentially dangerous is the only way to keep yourself safe. I'm a Trans Woman. Yes, the TERF movement is primarily made up of Cis Women. But when I go outside the reason I try to make myself as unnoticed as possible, the reason I am afraid for my safety, the reason I don't present unless I have people around me, is because of what a Man could potentially do to me. Because of what Men HAVE done to me. And I'm not an outlier. It's all very well and good to say "viewing Men and Maleness as inherently bad is wrong" in the abstract? But in practical terms if I suddenly let my guard down I'm fucking dead.
Hi, I'm a trans man. I know exactly what you're talking about, I've been there during the time before my egg cracked, I've been there AFTER my egg cracked, and I'm not about to tell you you should innately trust every man or masculine person. Unfortunately, for a lot of people, it's the most surefire way to stay safe. I get it, I've had that moment where a man approaches me in a way where I'm positive I'm about to become a statistic, I've seen the kinds of grifts run by men to convince other men that the only way forward is domination and fascism, I've seen how many men see any sort of pushback on their privilege and place in the world and go berserk. 'Misandry' is a loaded word thanks to MRA shitheads, and it's not one I like to use. Cis men have historically not faced sex discrimination anywhere in the GALAXY of the magnitude of women.
The point I am making is not that you have to trust and love and tolerate every single man. I would be a goddamn hypocrite if I told you to do that, I don't even do that. What I'm saying is that there are a lot of people who, for whatever reason, see men as inherently inhuman, inherently incapable of love, inherently predatory. It's what fuels TERFs in their ideology, the idea that someone within spitting distance of masculinity has only one goal, and that is harm. There are people who look at men expressing their love for other men and mock them or react with disgust, not because of garden variety homophobia, but because they are men, and who could possibly love a man? You see people in queer spaces get uncomfortable when someone who doesn't shave their facial hair walks into the room, exclude trans men and nonbinary amab people on the basis of their proximity to manhood. I understand why it happens, but getting jumpy right off the bat in situations like this helps nobody. Designating women as the 'victim' gender and men as the 'predator' gender is reductive, and while I understand a lot of this behavior is an overcorrective (healthy) fear of strange men, the real fact is that, like...most men aren't dangerous. There are a lot who are, and I'm not asking you to lower your guard on the bus or whatever, just to realize that like. Someone being a man does not preclude them being inherently predatory or regressive, and someone being a woman does not preclude them being 'safe'. That's all.
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your-divine-ribs · 8 months ago
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Ice Cold Part 11
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Words: 2.2k words
Lyla arrives in Paris for the next assignment…
Ice Cold Masterlist Main Masterlist
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The days following my encounter slipped by in a whirlwind of anxiety and denial. I felt like I was sleep-walking, the tenuous grip I had on reality getting weaker every time I tried to make sense of my confusing feelings.
My colleagues all thought that I was traumatised by something that had happened that night and in part that was true, but for very different reasons than whatever they could imagine. Apart from Jason of course. I had to endure his snide comments and inappropriate behaviour which was steadily getting worse. His wandering hands which would have earned him a sharp comment at the very least or a slap before were met by a pathetic weakening of my resistance. I hated myself for letting him get away with it, but in truth I was terrified by the thought of him causing trouble for me.
Paul tried to persuade me to move to a safe-house and lay low for a while, positive that Van would come back to 'finish what he'd started' but I refused. He eventually relented, so I now had an unmarked car sitting outside my apartment every night, and strict orders to report on my whereabouts at all times if I made a trip out. I felt like a prisoner in my own home, and having more time to sit around and think was driving me crazy. When I got wind of some valid intelligence that had been received about another hit expected in Paris, I found myself begging Paul to let me go, despite my better judgement.
"Please Paul, I'm losing my sanity here stuck behind a desk. I know you're worried about me but you can't mollycoddle me forever. I'm a fully trained agent and I can handle myself."
He looked conflicted as I paced in front of his desk. "Lyla, you know how I feel about this. I think your time might be better spent staying here in the office and working with Jason. He's making some real progress with mapping out where the people are based who are orchestrating all of this. If we can get to whoever's running this organisation it'll be like cutting the head off the snake."
The thought of spending time alone with Jason filled me with a sick kind of dread and I considered coming clean and telling Paul all about the harassment that I was enduring, but I was terrified that if I made life difficult for Jason he would retaliate and the shameful truth would somehow be uncovered.
I balled my hands into fists at my sides in pure frustration, stepping up to Paul's desk and looking at him with pleading eyes. "I can do this... please. Look, you said so yourself, no one has ever got so close to Van and walked away to tell the tale. I have... three times."
Paul raised his eyebrows. "Don't think you can let your guard down just because he's spared you before. Showing mercy isn't his style. Things are hotting up. They know we're closing in. That's why they're desperate to find out who our undercover agents are. Van will have strict orders to wipe out as many of us as he can."
My mind immediately pictured Van in a rage, fighting with his conscience about whether to kill me or not. The risk was real and absolute, I had no doubt about that. But there was something burning inside me which pushed the risk to one side. It was reckless and foolish but I just couldn't help myself. I felt out of control, like an addict craving a fix of the one thing that would more than likely be my demise.
"I need this... I need to prove my worth. And I can do this... I know I can. I won't let you down."
My plea hung in the air for a moment, I could see the struggle taking place in Paul's head, the promise he made to my father weighing heavily on him.
"Shit Lyla... I think you have me wrapped around your little finger sometimes," he said eventually, shaking his head. Then he frowned at me with a stern expression. "Please don't make me regret this."
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So there I was, two days later, disembarking a plane at Charles de Gaulle Airport, gripping my passport tightly as I moved through arrivals.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Jen spoke from beside me.
I'd hardly spoken since we'd got on the plane, thankful that another agent, Raj, had been sat on Jen's other side. He'd taken her attention whilst I sat at the window seat, staring blindly out at the clouds, trying to convince myself that I was travelling hundreds of miles for the right reason.
"I'm fine... I'm just tired," I mumbled.
"Can't believe Paul's actually let you come," Raj chuckled as he retrieved his luggage off the baggage carousel.
"And what's that supposed to mean?" I snapped, automatically ready for a fight.
"Woah! I didn't mean anything bad!" Raj set his suitcase down and raised his hands up defensively. "I think he's worried that Van's got some kind of agenda with you, the way he keeps targeting you."
I waved a hand dismissively. "I guess I've just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's nothing personal."
Jen stepped forward. "He broke into your apartment. I'd say that was pretty personal!"
Before I could protest Raj was off again, an eager look on his face as he looked at me wide-eyed. "I heard about that. Bloody hell, it must have been terrifying coming face to face with him. I've been doing some work with the profiling team and he is one fucked up individual. He's an absolute psychopath, no empathy, no fear, no remorse... nothing."
My interest was piqued, I'd seen plenty of case files but I'd not been privy to his in-depth psych profile. "Have you read all about his history? Why he's the way he is? I'd love to know..."
Jen cut in. "Does it matter? We're not here to give him bloody therapy!"
"But aren't you curious?" I asked.
"No!" Jen said in a sharp tone which wasn't her usual manner. "And you shouldn't be either. Just concentrate on what we've been sent here to do. We're here to arrest him... or kill him. And I can't see him coming quietly, can you?"
Jen's statement caught me off guard but luckily Raj came to my rescue. "Well I actually think it's pretty fascinating Lyla. Did you know I had a Masters in Criminal Psychology?"
I fell into step beside Raj, making small talk about his degree studies as we made for the taxi rank. I made sure the conversation didn't stray to Van again.
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We were to attend an exclusive benefits dinner and dance at a lavish hotel in a wealthy area of Paris. Word was that the assassination of yet another high society figure with connections to the underworld was to be carried out that very night. Our primary objective was to protect the target and deflect whatever attack was to be launched, securing an arrest or the termination of the perpetrator. Van. Dead or alive... by any means necessary.
Preparations for the big event were already underway when the taxi dropped us off outside the hotel and I saw countless staff milling around. I looked up, awestruck at the grand building, blowing out a breath through my pursed lips. "We're actually staying here too?"
"Perks of the job and all that!" Raj chuckled, eyes bugging as an Aston Martin pulled up outside and a chic looking couple stepped out.
"It's not a bloody holiday!" Jen huffed as we all moved towards the entrance.
I bristled at Jen's frosty demeanour which had been evident since we stepped off the plane but decided to ignore it, putting it down to stress at the vitally important assignment we were all faced with. Paul was right, things were hotting up and we couldn't afford to make any mistakes. There was only one reason that the criminal organisation we were up against would dare to carry out a hit on a high profile target in such a public place... and that was to make statement. They wanted to show they were fearless and untouchable.
We all checked in and made our way across the opulent foyer, making for the lifts.
"Right, we'll meet back here at 7pm," Raj instructed.
"Don't forget it's a black tie event," Jen piped up, giving my colleague a pointed glare, taking in his ripped jeans and scuffed boots. "I hope you've brought something suitable. Not that bloody awful suit you wear for meetings."
Raj shook his head, assuring her he'd packed his tux, and he'd be appropriately suited and booted for the evening, and then we all went our separate ways.
My room was situated on the fourth floor of the sprawling hotel and my eyes were wide as I stepped inside, taking in the vast room. The bathroom alone was bigger than my whole apartment. I walked around, running a hand over the expensive looking furnishings, marvelling at the huge bed adorned with sumptuous silk sheets. God, it looked inviting. I turned around, kicked off my boots and flopped down on to my back, practically sinking into the mattress.
I hadn't realised just how tense I was. My body felt tight, knotted with anxiety. I closed my eyes, consciously trying to relax each part of my body in turn. My toes, my legs, my back, my arms, my neck. Of course it was all well and good relaxing my body but what of my mind?
My thoughts slipped back through the years to when I'd attended therapy as a child. Sleep hadn't come easily to me then, the night time just bringing back all the horrors of that fateful night that I'd watched my dad die. My therapist had taught me some simple relaxation and breathing techniques and I did them now, focussing hard on slowing my inhales and exhales, trying to clear my mind but it was no use. Van flooded my thoughts completely.
I sighed, getting purposefully to my feet and stepping across to the large gilt framed mirror. My reflection stared back at me defiantly, daring me to judge. I could do this. I was strong. I just needed to get my head straight. I didn't need Van to satisfy me... or any man for that matter. All those guys that I'd picked up and fucked, I hadn't needed them. They were just a means to an end... but to what end? Much as I told myself I was in control of my life I was starting to doubt it more and more each day. That niggly feeling that the only reason I craved these encounters, each one more sordid than the last, was because I was dead inside taunted me. I just needed something or someone to make me feel alive again. And Van made me feel alive.
I sank back down on to the silk sheets once again, letting my thoughts stray to forbidden territories. In my mind's eye Van hovered over me whilst I lay prone on the bed, his hands fixed firmly around my wrists, securing them over my head whilst he slowly pushed my thighs apart with his knees. The piercing look in his eyes told me that I was his to do with as he pleased and the thought shivered me through with a desire so strong that I pressed my thighs together to ease the ache I felt there. I squirmed on the bed, frustrated beyond belief, eventually pushing myself up, feeling angry for not being able to control my feelings. It was getting worse, steadily worse, and each encounter only made me crave him even more. And what happened next time? Would I still feel the same with a gun pressed against my head or a knife held to my throat? I had to stop this now or it would be the death of me, I was sure of that.
I quickly unpacked, then showered and selected my attire for the evening. Even though I was on a dangerous mission I would still have to blend in with the other guests. My hands danced across the underwear sets that I'd packed, coming to rest on a beautiful deep red set with intricate lace detail I only ever wore when my aim was to seduce. I slipped into it, telling myself that I'd only chosen it tonight because it went perfectly with the red silk evening dress I'd planned to wear. The dress was stunning, with a plunging neckline and a deep slit from the floor right up to my upper thigh. Last but not least I lifted up the dress, securing a special thigh holster which I slipped a small, discreet handgun into.
I stepped back, perusing my reflection once more. I really did look the part... now I just needed to feel the part. I needed to take control of my life, do the right thing for once. I could do this. I had to do this. I was ready.
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