#I don’t think I’ve been this devastated in a hot minute

[gojonanami]

alright who has some choso fic ideas — I need fluff and coping after tonight hahahaha

fuck me

[bruisedboys]

hello!!! i saw that you write for bradley and i’m OVER THE MOON RN. could i possibly request a hurt/comfort fic with a shy!plus size! reader combo? maybe a first date scenario where bradley is super late to said date and reader thinks he stood her up or asked her out as a joke so she goes home super embarrassed like “why did i think i could be w him in the first place??” bradley is devastated because he’s liked this girl for so long and he just blew it but he’s able to get her back in the end 🤩 please and thank you!!

hello angel!! thank u so so much for the sweet request, I hope it’s okay! mwah

bradley bradshaw x shy!fem!plus-size!reader cw for body insecurities

You stare at yourself in the mirror, miserable. You haven’t cried yet, but the way your stomach looks in this top might be your breaking point. You’d actually felt pretty, earlier in the evening, all dolled up in your new clothes. But then you’d waited an agonising 45 minutes at the restaurant for Bradley to show up, only to realise he wasn’t coming and you’d made a complete fool of yourself. Now you just feel ugly and so, so embarrassed.

Why would he even want me? You think, glaring at your body in the mirror. You lift your top and squeeze a handful of your soft stomach cruelly, half wishing you could rip it clean off. He probably asked you as a joke, you suppose. And you were stupid enough to buy into it.

A single, hot tear rolls down the slope of your cheek.

You’re wiping at it angrily when there’s a loud, sharp knock on your door. You flinch. It’s enough to scare you out of your miserable state, at least. You freeze, thinking maybe if you ignore it, whoever it is will leave you alone.

“Y/N?”

Bradley? You recognise his voice immediately and your heart climbs to your throat. What is he doing here? Did he not just stand you up? Is he here to antagonise you further? You creep out into the entryway, where Bradley’s voice is clearer. He bangs on the door again.

“Y/N, honey,” he’s saying. He sounds stressed and a little desperate. “I know you probably hate me right now, but please would you come to the door? I really need to talk to you.”

You feel as though an invisible force is pulling you towards the door, towards Bradley. You don’t know why on earth you do it, but you lift a hand and open the door.

Bradley stands on your doorstep, in jeans and a nice linen shirt that doesn’t have an ugly Hawaiian print, for once. His aviators hang from the collar. He’s still strikingly handsome even though you’re upset with him.

“Y/N,” he breathes out. He lowers his fist from where he’d been rapping on your poor door. “Hey. Hi.”

You shift on your socked feet and grip the door handle like it’s your lifeline. “Hello.”

Bradley gives you a look akin to devastation. “Listen, honey. I’m so, so sorry about our date. I got caught up at work, and then my car wouldn’t start, so I had to— hey, are you crying?”

Unfortunately, you are. Why now? You think to yourself. Warm, salty tears spill over your lower lashes against your will. You scrub at your cheeks harshly. Bradley frowns at you.

“Hey. Hey, don’t.” He steps forward and takes your wrists in his hands. He encourages your hands from your face and replaces them with his own, thumbs swiping at your hot tears. He’s a hundred times more gentle than you had been.

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” he says softly. “I feel like such a dick … I’ve had a crush on you for ages and ages and now I’ve made you cry.” He pulls you into a hug and gives a self deprecating sort of laugh, rubbing your back in quick, smooth sweeps. “What kind of loser am I?”

You sniffle. His hug is overwhelmingly warm. You feel a bit dumbfounded, and wonder if you’ve heard him right.

“You—“ you swallow around the lump in your throat and pull back out of his arms. “You have a crush on me?”

Bradley gives you a look of confusion, his hands on your shoulders. “Well, yeah, honey,” he says. His brings his thumb up to swipe at a tear collecting in the corner of your eye. “That’s why I asked you out.”

You blink at him. So … it wasn’t a joke? He didn’t do it to make fun of you? “I— are you serious?”

Bradley frowns at you. His eyebrows pinch in the middle. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Well, that’s the big question, isn’t it? You draw a shaky breath. “I don’t know, I guess because I’m not— I mean, I’m not really like other girls, Brad.”

Bradley continues to look even more confused than before. “So?” He asks, incredulous. “That’s why I like you so much, babe.”

What? This is not how you thought this would go. Why isn’t he getting it?

“But— but I’m big,” you say, feeling a bit sick. You don’t like to call yourself big, you know it doesn’t matter, but it’s the only way to make Bradley understand. “I don’t have a nice body. And. And I’m too quiet. I thought maybe you didn’t turn up because …”

You trail off. Because I’m fat. Because I’m shy. Because you’re lean and handsome and I’m nowhere near to being in your league. All things you’ve been thinking since he didn’t show up to your date. You don’t say them out loud, but they hang in the air between you and Bradley like burning hot stars anyway.

Bradley stares at you hard. You feel the heat of your confession on your neck, your cheeks.

“Honey,” he says, serious and sweet simultaneously. “Sweet girl. I’m so sorry I made you feel that way.”

You duck your head. The way he’s looking at you is too much. If he keeps this up you’ll be a puddle in seconds.

“It’s not your fault,” you say quietly. It’s not. Really, it’s your own for assuming the worst of him.

“Doesn’t matter,” Bradley says firmly. “I upset you, didn’t I? I’m really sorry.” He slides his hand under your chin. You know you have more pudge there than another girl would. And yet, you find you don’t mind his touch as much as you feared you would. “Would you look at me?”

Shy, you tilt your head up with the help of his gentle hand until you’re meeting his eyes. You’re struck, suddenly, by how close he is.

Bradley smiles. He’s so, so handsome you almost feel sick by it.

“I really like you,” he says, earnest. “So much. I don’t mind that your body is different. Everyone’s body is different, isn’t it? It’s not a bad thing, and I happen to really like how you look. You’re beautiful exactly the way you are.”

You blink rapidly. Your chest feels like it’s on fire. You don’t think you’ve ever been spoken to in such an honest tone, with such lovely words. It sets you aflame from the inside out. You’re melting, a lovesick puddle of a girl.

“I don’t mind that you’re quiet, either,” he says, and somehow he’s just getting lovelier by the second, and you can’t believe you ever thought he had ill intentions when he’s being so achingly kind to you. “I think I talk quite enough for the both of us, don’t you?”

You laugh, breathless. You’re hyper aware of his hand on your face, of his chest where it’s inches from yours. Normally you’d feel self conscious with another person so close to you, your insecurities on display in full. With Bradley, and the way he’s looking at you, soft brown eyes and a kind smile, you feel special. A flower blooms in your chest, rearing towards Bradley like he’s the sun.

“I’m so sorry for ruining our first date,” Bradley says in a low voice. He brings a hand to your waist. You feel his heat through your clothes. He’s touching you like you’re something precious, like porcelain or starlight. “Do you think you could give me another chance?”

Well, when he asks like that, you know you couldn’t say no even if you wanted to.

[chlobliviate]

Wolfstar Microfics - Grief/Mourning

Words: 993

@wolfstarmicrofic

***

Sirius arrived at Remus’ cottage yesterday on Dumbledore's orders. It wasn’t that Remus minded, but a heads up would have been preferable to a bedraggled, but grinning Sirius just appearing at his door at 11 pm.

He made them both tea, and some toast for Sirius, and they sat on Remus’ worn sofa staring at each other for a few minutes.

“Would you like a bath?” Remus asked eventually.

“Is that your polite Moony way of telling me I smell?” Sirius laughed. “I’d love a bath, actually. Can’t remember the last time I had a bath.”

Remus nodded and took his tea into the bathroom to start running a bath. Sirius lingered in the doorway, sipping his own tea from his favourite mug. Remus had felt silly for keeping it but now, seeing it in his hands again, he was grateful to his ridiculous brain for forbidding him from throwing it away.

“Can’t believe you kept this,” Sirius said quietly. “Thank you.” Remus just smiled at him, “So. I’m assuming that Dumbledore didn’t warn you that I’d be here?”

“He didn’t,” Remus added bubbles to the bath, to Sirius’ delight. “But I’m glad you’re here. We have a lot of catching up to do.” Sirius smiled at him as he tested the temperature of the water. “I think this is done. Towels are on the rail. Do you need—”

“Would you stay in here with me?” Sirius’ gaze was fixed on the cup in his hands. “Please?”

Remus nodded, “Of course. Whatever you need.”

He looked away as Sirius shed his clothes and slid into the steaming water. He continued looking away as Sirius groaned blissfully before sitting on the floor with his back against the tub.

“You cut your hair.” Sirius said, “It’s nice.”

“Thanks. Uh, do you want some help with yours?” Remus asked, “I have conditioner. It wouldn’t be too hard to detangle, I’m sure.”

“You don’t think I should just cut it all off?” Sirius sounded surprised.

“Well, do you want to cut it all off?”

“No,” He said in a small voice, “But I convinced myself that was the only way of salvaging it. It’s pretty bad. There are no hairbrushes in Azkaban, but I think being Padfoot helped.”

“We’ll figure it out.” He turned his head slightly to smile at Sirius.

“Thanks, Moons.” Remus thought his heart might stop hearing Sirius call him ‘Moons’ again, but he schooled his features and took a couple of deep breaths. “You alright?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He rested his head on the edge of the tub. “You want me to put some music on? I have all our old records.”

“Of course you do.” Sirius chuckled, “Oh, shit. I bet I’ve missed so much. How many new Queen albums are there?”

And it was at that moment that Remus’ heart broke. Sirius, he realised, had no idea that his idol was dead. He really had missed so much. It had only been a few years since Freddie Mercury’s death, but it still devastated Remus when he thought of the end of his life or listened to The Show Must Go On. So he tried not to.

“There were a few in the 80s,” Remus said, guardedly.

“But nothing new?” Sirius swirled his hands under the hot water and smiled at the sensation. Then he paused and looked up at Remus. “Please don’t tell me they split up.”

Remus shook his head but knew his eyes were about to spill over and give him away. “Worse, sorry.”

Sirius stilled, “Tell me.”

“In the 80s, there was this illness that mostly affected queer people, queer men especially. AIDS. It’s not a death sentence anymore, but it was then. It was terrifying. So many of us died, Pads. Freddie died. A few years ago. It was awful.” He inhaled sharply, “I’m so sorry.”

He looked up at Sirius and saw his face frozen in a look of pure anguish. A single tear rolled down his right cheek as a sob choked out from his chest. “No.” He whispered, “No.”

Remus turned around, no longer caring about seeing Sirius’ body. He reached out a hand to wipe the tear away and Sirius grasped it in his own. Remus sat on the side of the bath and pulled Sirius into his chest, wet clothes be damned. Sirius sobbed as Remus held him, stroked his matted hair, and rubbed his back.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said again. “Queen and Bowie released a single together, days after you went to Azkaban*. It felt like the cruellest thing in the universe on top of everything else. There’s a lot you haven’t heard. We can listen when you’re ready. I didn’t even think about…”

They stayed like that until the bath water was cold, Sirius bordering on catatonic, nodding as Remus told him about songs and albums that he’d love. Sirius wondered what the point was. Everyone was dead or dying, Voldemort was back, and he had no way of protecting Harry, or Remus. He closed his eyes as Remus gently washed his hair with warm water and did his best to detangle the knots. He stared vacantly at the ceiling of Remus’ bedroom for hours and listened to Remus breathe.

After a few hours, he got up and headed for the record player. He rifled through Remus’ records until one caught his eye, with cartoon versions of the band on the front, ‘A Kind of Magic’. He scanned the tracklist and found himself drawn to side 2. He slipped it onto the turntable, dropping the needle onto the vinyl, a very familiar crackle that made him smile tentatively as he turned the volume down.

As soon as the vocals started There’s no time for us, There's no place for us, Sirius found himself crying again. Within seconds Remus’ arms were around him and he held on tight. He wasn’t sure which of them started swaying gently first.

Who waits forever anyway?

***

* this is my villain origin story.

[annknnwa]

I’ve known Ona for years now, have been best friends since we were kids. Well to her at least, i was always in love with this girl. Always the bright sunshine of my life. But I was just her best friend, her bro, her platonic friend.

When she dating guys, I decided to turn to other things to distract myself. The hole I had in my heart that had been filled with love for her had to be filled instead with lust for others. I was constantly on tiktok watching thirst traps, trying to forget her.

Ona had started maturing into herself, being more confident, and well “growing” in other areas.

She started dressing less like the girl I loved and more like the girsl I lusted for.

Guy came and went, but the last one would be the storm that would finally break her. Her last boyfriend had cheated and she found out, they had broken up.

When I asked if she was okay, she sounded devastated, like her world was crashing down.

“Why does this keep happening? Is it me? Is something wrong with me?”

Remembering my unrequited love and my place as the best friend, I had to console her

“I’d never cheat on you if i were him, he was crazy to go for another woman, you’re so h-”

Caught myself before possibly turning my friendship weird. No way i could call her hot, how could I? Id have to explain that I was attracted to her, not as her best friend but more.

“i’m so what? Don’t be the next guy to lie to me too, You’re all I have left”

“You’re so… hot…”

Didn’t realise those words would send her spiralling, but in a different way

Only minutes later, I get a video of Ona, dancing just like the girls she knew I liked

“You always watch thirst traps right? on tiktok?”

“yeah but why did yo-“

“Am I hot? Hotter than the girls you always watch?”

I didn’t realise how much this meant to her

“I’ll be yours, just don’t look at anyone else, I don’t want it to happen again”

“Lets meet”

I don’t think we said more than 5 words. We drowned in each others pleasure. Skin to skin, body to body. We shared sweat, saliva, fluids more than we did words. We had known each other for forever, we didn’t need words to know what we wanted.

Every thrust, every pump filled Ona with what she thought was lust. Position after position, round after round, condom after condom. Then there was no more

“we ran out of condoms, maybe we should stop”

But she put me back inside of her

“Keep going, don’t stop, show me”

She wanted to be loved, but she’ll settle for lust, he had broken her, and I was all she had to fill that emptiness

“Please don’t stop”

But I loved her, I always have, and the thought that another person had hurt her this way, broke my heart.

“Wait if we keep going, ill-”

But it was too late, loving Ona, and being inside her, makes you a different person. It’s Ona after all, who could resist her.

“I’m- I’m gon- Im gonna cu”

Her walls clenched around me, encouraging me to fill her. Who am I to deny that? Her legs wrapping around me was the last straw. Missionary, no escape, no turning back. This was my chance to prove to her it wasn’t lust, it was years and years of love.

With one last thrust, I released it. Ropes painted her walls, filling her with my seed. Neither of us moved, filled with ecstasy. All that was moving was me still filling her up, her still clenching as she came harder as if my cum was a drug keeping her from calming down and our breathing.

“I’m sorry, I was just lonely and you were always so nice to me and”

Ona went on and on, same old same old, always spiralling after an event

I leaned in and kissed her on the lips. A soft one, not one out of lust but out of love.

“Stop, if I didn’t already like you, I wouldn’t stick by every bad decision you made”

That night was years ago now.

I had deleted tiktok, no more need for thirst traps

Ona stopped spiralling, she had me to keep her steady

and we stopped being best friends, instead we had become lovers. Active lovers. All it takes now is for Ona to send a video of her dancing to one of the trends on tiktok, for me to head to our nearest 7-11 to get a few protection items and we relive that night, over and over.

Although, we have been using condoms less and less, maybe we should look into baby items. Eh who cares, nothing a married couple can’t handle :)

My First actually story post! Thanks for reading! Little different from my usual reblogs and more immoral stuff. A wholesome one for a wholesome girl :)

Thanks to @ayyitsona for the request, pics and video are from her too. Check her out, you won’t be disappointed.

Story is purely fiction and only for fun. Send in your requests if you want one too! Dms open :)

[kiwiana-writes]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks @cha-melodius and @stereopticons for the tags! I know I’ve done this in the past, but it’s been a hot minute…

How many works do you have on ao3?

239!

What's your total ao3 word count?

822,937—but that’s a collaboration-boosted lie. Per my writing tracker, words that I have personally written and published on AO3 is 693,613

What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly RWRB these days, but the majority of my back catalogue is Schitt’s Creek, with a few others sprinkled in for fun. The Pairing definitely made my brain whirr… we’ll see.

Top five fics by kudos:

With so much of my heart (that none is left to protest), RWRB, 65.5k, the Much Ado About Nothing stage actor AU

Kinda think that I might be his type, RWRB, 12.8k, Alex and Bea fake date and Alex gets a little distracted by Bea’s brother

We were supposed to find this, RWRB, 3.3k, soulmate AU

We always walked a very thin line, Happiest Season, 2.7k, Riley character study/alternate ending

All the Lonely Starbucks Lovers, RWRB, 5.8k, barista Henry repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth in front of his coworker crush

(This is how I learned Puck It has been knocked out of my top five 😭)

Do you respond to comments?

Yes! And absent a Schitt’s Creek resurgence of some kind that sees me absolutely inundated I don’t see that changing.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Five ways it could have ended (and one way it still could), Schitt’s Creek, 1.2k, for the love of god read the tags

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Like… most of them? I love to end on a good HEA haha. For sheer joy, though, it’s probably With so much of my heart (that none is left to protest)

Do you get hate on fics?

From time to time. I’m very free with the delete button. Weirdly, it occasionally pops up in the AO3 comments but mostly seems to come to me via anons on tumblr??? I have no idea why.

Do you write smut?

It’s been known to happen, I guess 👀

Craziest crossover:

I haven’t written any AO3-era crossovers! A few fusions/media AUs, but no crossovers.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope. I’ve only been asked once, and they wanted to post off AO3 which is a big heck nope for me (and my permissions statement has now been updated to reflect that)

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Heck yeah I have. I’ve done several anthology-type collaborations where we each wrote a chapter in a fic, and I’ve fully cowritten fics with @ships-to-sail several times. We have another collab coming up for @aroyallybigbangrwrb and I’m also cowriting The Big Secret AU with @indestructibleheart which is essentially us one-upping each other on emotionally devastating ideas until someone writes them down. Good system 😂

All time favorite ship?

Stop making pansexuals choose things.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Look, the chances of kinktober 2021 being finished at this point are slim 😂

Schitt’s Creek kinkverse… I don’t know. I have little snippets written of future fics and they’re great but… idk. Maybe I’ll write one vignette-y wrap up fic one day.

What are your writing strengths?

Narrative POV, dialogue that feels like the characters, epistolary bullshit, smut apparently.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Coming up with actual plot lmao. Visual descriptors — I’m not even remotely a visual person so I really really struggle with writing the sorts of things people can visualise. Also like… the passage of time? A scam.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Love it. I’ll shoulder tap a fluent speaker if I need an actual sentence/anything Google isn’t super reliable for. Forever heartbroken that there are no fics in my second language in AO3 and no reason for me to be able to sprinkle it into my own writing (though one of the subscriber shindig prompts might be about to change that 👀)

First fandom you wrote in?

HP

Favorite fic you've written?

Stop! Asking! Pansexuals! To! Choose! Things!

I don’t know there are 239 of the bloody things 😂 I’m far more interested in what other people’s favourites are than what my own is!

I have no sense of who’s done this already so apologies if this is a double up but tagging @agame-writes @affectionatelyrs @anincompletelist @cricketnationrise @getmehighonmagic

@happiness-of-the-pursuit @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @indestructibleheart @inexplicablymine @nontoxic-writes

@read-and-write- @rmd-writes @sparklepocalypse @welcometololaland @whimsymanaged and, as always, anyone who wants to play!

[yanderu-deredere]

Saw that some of your OCs are into phone sex sooo! How would they react to their usually shy darling leaving a voicemail or something of him masturbating and you can hear the pap pap of him jerking off in the background?

a/n: hewwo! thank you for the lovely wonderful request! i absolutely love it loool i've included all my ocs that are into phone sex! hope you enjoy! (also lmaooo not the pap pap pap LOOOL)

warning: male reader as requested, phone sex, implied voice kink, male reader is the top LOL, ryouta's is kind of phone sex but kind of not

ryouta watanabe ★ profile

"Hey, I know you're probably working… but I just really miss you—"

Ryouta immediately felt his face heat up and his cock harden at the sound of your voice, all breathy and soft. You didn't usually leave him voicemails so he had gotten worried when he saw that notification on his phone.

Apparently, it was much more of an emergency than he though. His favourite kind of emergency.

"Just— hah, call me back when you get this. Please—"

His hand immediately pressed down on his growing hard-on. Mostly to give himself some sort of relief, something to grind and rut against as he listened to your sweet whining and the gorgeous way you called out his name.

The worst part was that he could hear you in the background, could barely make out the wet smack of skin and lube. Were you that desperate for him?

Ryouta had never seen this side of you before. You were usually so shy and coy, always avoiding his gaze and hiding your warm flustered face. But this? He wanted to see more.

Without even listening to the rest of the voice mail, he called you on Discord. Not on the phone. He needed to see your face, needed to see you and what you were doing.

Thankfully, you seemed to be at your desktop like he was because you answered almost immediately.

Ryouta groaned at the sight of you. Your hair was ruffled, the expression on your face pathetic. You had shed all your clothes and, from the way you sat far enough from your computer camera, he saw you fisting your cock, pre-cum already dribbling out.

“Ryou…” You huffed, hips jerking desperately.

“Are you drunk or something?” Ryouta started pushing down both his sweatpants and his boxers, his cock springing up and achingly hard “You’ve never called me like this before.”

You let out a soft sob “I-I just— I don’t know. I really miss you. You’ve been so busy.”

Ryouta couldn’t tell through the camera but he could guess that your entire face and ears were probably hot and that it took all the courage in you to admit something like that. It probably took you even more to call him, begging him.

Then again, Ryouta got you to beg pretty easily sometimes.

“Oh, darling.” He squirted some lube onto his palm before fisting his own hard-on “What were you thinking about that made you miss me?”

“Just you.” You started pumping your cock faster but Ryouta easily matched your pace “How you feel wrapped around me. How you clench on my c-cock.”

Ryouta had to bite his lip and resist the urge to cum just from your words. To think he’d had that much of an affect on you. It filled him with a sense of adoration for you.

“Want you to hold me tight and k-kiss me.” Your free hand suddenly came up to cover some of your face, likely because you were feeling too shy.

It was something you did often and Ryouta hated it.

“Don’t.” He snapped, frown evident “I want to see you. All of you.”

“Good boy.” His expression quickly turned into a soft smile when your hand dropped immediately and he couldn’t help but think the pouting look on your face was especially cute.

“Just— C-Can you come over? If you’re not too busy?” You arched your back a little, hips still jerking as you ran your fist up and down your hard cock “Wanna show you how much I’ve missed you.”

Ryouta let out a soft chuckle as he leaned back, his fist still matching your pace “Hmmm, I don’t know.”

He relished the devastated look on your face for a minute before sighing “Maybe if you be good for me and cum?”

That shy expression on your face returned but there was no way in hell you could deny him.

yeong-bae kigal ★ profile

“Hey, Yeongie, how’s the tour? I really miss you.”

Yeong-bae felt their heart melt a little at your soft voice. After a whole day of tiring fans and preparing for a troublesome concert, the sound of your voice gave them an energy that surprised them.

Like you, Yeong-bae was a bit more on the shy side. Though it was easy for them to pretend not to be, it didn’t change the fact that it drained them to act like the cool and aloof guy their fans expected them to be.

Sometimes, it felt like the only reason they kept being a pop-star was just to pamper you.

You, their timid and cute boyfriend. You, the love of their life. Oh, how he missed you too.

“I— We haven’t done are usual calls lately… I just miss your voice a lot.”

Yeong-bae hadn’t even realized! They felt bad about that. They’d just been so busy and it felt like they barely had time to sleep, let alone do anything else. To think something so important had slipped their mind!

Still, their work didn’t give him an excuse to neglect you, though.

Just as they were about to pause the voicemail to call you, your voice turned a bit breathier and Yeong-bae had to pause for a second to try and figure out exactly what was going on.

“Not just your voice… Fuck… I miss everything about you, Yeongie…”

Something about your voice, the tone it suddenly took, made Yeong-bae’s cock twitch. They shifted in their seat on the hotel bed, hesitant expression on their face. They definitely didn’t want to pause it now.

“Miss the way you kiss me, baby. Ugh— And the way you feel around me— How you used to whine and rut your hips—”

Everything clicked now. In fact, as soon as Yeong-bae realized what you were doing, they heard the sound of you in the background.

It made them rock hard to think that you were talking about them, hand around your cock, jerking it hard enough for him to hear the wet squelch of the lube. Or were you fingering yourself? Were you stretching yourself open at the thought of them?

It was so unlike you to leave a voicemail like that but, maybe, the fact that it was so uncommon made it a lot more appealing to them.

Yeong-bae couldn’t stop themselves. After taking a quick glance at the hotel room door, they started taking off their jeans; not completely but just enough that they could fish their cock out. It was already aching and leaking pre-cum even though they’d barely touched it.

But, then again, you always had that effect on them.

“You’ll call me, right? Fuck, really wanna hear your voice. Wanna cum from just your voice.”

Yeong-bae didn’t even get any lube. They spat into their palm and before wrapping their fist around their cock. They didn’t want to miss a second of your voice, didn’t want to hear anything but the sound of you and your whimpering moans.

Hell, it really didn’t take long for them to cum. You kept whining about how he felt wrapped around your cock, how he’d clench and shake and make you cum inside them.

Just as they heard your grunting shout on the phone, their back bowed and they ended up cumming all over their own hand, splattering on their jeans and on the floor.

Their face felt hot, their body trembling and their breaths coming out in short spurts.

Fuck.

No matter how good it felt, though, Yeong-bae couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed. They fell back onto their hotel bed, their fist still gripping the base of their cock.

Maybe they’d call you later, when they were a bit more put together.

soren kumar ★ profile

 “Hi, Soren… It’s around midnight now and, according to the schedule you’ve sent me and the numerous texts you’ve blown up my phone with, your concert should be over…”

Soren cursed under his breath, his eyes immediately flickering to the digital clock on the nightstand beside him. It read 1:20am. So, it’s been an hour or so since your call.

“Usually, when your concert is over, you call me… But you haven’t called yet so I wanted to call you.”

That was probably why he’d been so pissy the last hour or so. Soren was an easily angered guy when his contact with you gets limited. Especially when he hasn’t had his special call with you the night before.

Being away on tour, not being able to see you and be with you, it took a toll on Soren that surprised him. He didn’t realise that falling in love with someone would be this painful, would be this taxing. Now, all he ever wanted to do was be by your side.

Unfortunately, he was a world renowned pop-star so that was impossible.

“I just— Miss you lots. You’ll call me when you get this voicemail right?”

Soren couldn’t help but feel a little smitten with you. You sounded so cute on the phone, so shy and sweet. He felt so bad for missing the usual time the two of you call each other.

He also felt a little worried just because you didn’t sound like your usual self. You didn’t mention feeling sick so he doubted it was that but, if not that, then what?

Soren paused your voicemail and immediately called you.

You answered the phone, all breathy and soft, sounding like you’d run a marathon “Soren?”

“Hello, sweetheart. What are you up to?” He asked but, just hearing you, he already knew. In fact, a smirk spread across his face as he started unbuttoning his jeans and shucking them to the floor.

“Just—” You let out a simpering sigh that made Soren’s cock harden “Just missing you.”

“Doesn’t sound like that’s all you’re up to…” Soren’s voice took on a more chastising tone as he leaned back against the headboard of his hotel bed and pulled out his aching cock “Why don’t you be honest with me, baby?”

A pathetic little whimper left your lips but, of course, you complied “Couldn’t wait for you. Had to… ugh, had to—”

“Be bad?” He supplied the words to you and, immediately, you let out a throaty little sound that made Soren laugh almost meanly.

“I should punish you for that, shouldn’t I?” Soren reached over to his nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lube, letting it dribble out onto his hard cock, part of him wishing and imagining it was your leaking pre-cum.

“Please, please, I’m sorry, I—”

“It’s okay, baby.” Soren’s tone went from mean to soothing as he put the bottle back and fisted his cock “I’ve decided, since I’m the one who was late, I won’t punish you, hmm?”

You let out a relieved sigh.

The sound made Soren want to bully you but the pop-star was a man of his word, no matter what. No punishments. But, that didn’t mean he couldn’t have fun, right?

So, he pumped his cock, thinking of all the things he could do when he was so many miles away.

“But, in return, you’ll have to cum lots for me tonight, okay?” He finally decided and was further convinced he was right when you let out a whiny little protest.

“In fact, why don’t you cum now?” He smirked, gripping his cock a little tighter to prevent himself from cumming too early just at the thought of you “Why don’t you be my good little boy and pump that cock a little faster? Think about me, about how it feels to be inside me, huh, baby. Wouldn’t that feel so good?”

Your groaning hard cry through the phone was like music to his ears.

[unsleepingtales]

Oh boy those content warnings look fun. Mismag episode four time?

(Excuse the lack of excitement please I’ve had a shit day and this promises yet more emotional damage) (I know I’m choosing to watch this I promise I’ll turn it off if it feels like it would be bad for me to keep watching)

Not the long back

Oh god

He has every right to be saying this but ouch

Okay so this is reasonable and devastating

SAM

That’s the thing that gets Brennan to break

Oh god Sam is a child of divorce and her saying that HITS

K. K. This is not it? Maybe?

Where’s Brennan’s mic bc it sounds a bit weird

Ooooh cool shadow stuff

Oy.

Disturbing!!!!

Is there a conspiracy about my ass happening in the group right now?

Yeah Evan there is 100% a conspiracy about your ass

Cool cool. So that was jokey but definitely implied K is still into Evan

His BODY

Uh

Maybe it’s the book he picked up?

UH

Hmm! Upsetting.

This is not great for my mental health 😐

Is Carlos doing this live or did they have him record new stuff in between episodes?

I mean that’s fair you did earthquake him

Aabria looks surprised so I am gonna guess Carlos was doing that live

There’s a lot of rules for sleeping outside

That is disturbing buddy

LEVITY THANK GOD

Are you gonna do a scrubbbbb

I love the editing on this

The face dropping the minute you get off the call is SO real

Oops oh no

UH OH

ERIKA WHAT

The very model of a modern chipmunk animal 😭

Awwww them

This is fun

Oh nooooooo

I love him SO much

That is. An ADHD symptom.

Hey babygirl what are you doing

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Ok so maybe that was prerecorded because they just had that projection ready to go

You’re gonna shoot a cocaine spell into your MIND

They can help now!

What’s a fun cocaine movie 😭

I just watched Aabria’s eyes light up at challenging Erika lmao

Okay her art is pretty

I love table acting. I think every actor should have to play a ttrpg and learn how to act and communicate within the confines of a table and it will be helpful!

Well at least she’ll have something in common with Tabby

GET FUCKED sorry that was a gut reaction to a British person using the American version of a word because I have been slowly infecting my British partner with Americanisms and our friends and their family never let them hear the end of it lmao

Cocaine!

Hello?????

Oh my GOD how did we get here

What?

A skrillion!

Lemli! Hi!

Brennannnnnnnn

Incredible. Five questions. You rock.

Evan!

That’s soooo unsettling.

Discomfort is a great place for everybody here to be and we can all bump up the paranoia by one!

Iconic tbh

HI!

I don’t have the strength to explain skibidi toilet 😭

Ooooh boy oh boy

The matrix crossed with Glinda’s bubble that’s really cool

Oh for fucks SAKE

Another dc 40 for Erika whyyyyy

Oh god

Oh FUCK HER

Holy shit that’s hot. Sorry but. Oh my god that’s hot.

What’s the smallest most efficient effort that makes a living person a dead body? I’m sorry but that? Is hot.

Evan immediately no hesitation snapping his wand to kill the person who attacked someone he loves. HOT.

Oh my GOD that’s terrifying. Hot. A silent custodian walking through the halls of her mind turning off her lights.

Art!

FUCK.

Listen I didn’t claim to be okay ever.

Oh this is interesting also

Sorry I’m. Fine.

Oh this could go so wrong.

Hey nobody look at me for a minute I’m gonna be in the corner processing my reaction to Brennan’s facial expressions just now.

This is FINE I’m not gonna rewatch that scene what are you TALKING about.

We’re fine we’re moving on we’re processing.

Sam not to be weird but yeah why the fuck would you put yourselves through that again for someone who did try to kill you and also just tried to break your shit and hurt your friend.

Attacking someone I love around me gets you dead. Yeah that’s it.

The bad part of cocaine!

Oh god. Oh that’s so horrifying. Oh Aabria you’re so good at what you do.

That’s heartbreaking and terrifying oh god.

Fuck.

A moment of peace. Okay.

Yeah Jammer hasn’t said anything in a While he doesn’t look like he’s having a good time

Glad I’m not the only one who thought that was fucking TERRIFYING

They’re friends!!

God. This is why he left.

Aabria. FUCK.

So next episode looks. Fun.

[fogandblackcoffee]

LonelyEyes rec list

Just sharing some LonelyEyes fic I’ve enjoyed!

Satisfaction by thinkatory | 4k | Complete Summary: Peter is nothing if not comfortable with the status quo. "Don't you ever want to try something new, Peter?" "Like what?" Peter asks, in open sarcasm. "Skydiving?" "You might take a risk or two beyond the obvious." Elias hates his fascination with the perfect cut of Peter's suit, the angle of his jaw, the fullness of his lips. It's not a singular obsession, but it would be easy to set aside if only Peter wasn't such a tease. "Isn't there anything you've thought of doing in the last few years that isn't fooling around with work of the Lukas sort?" Peter drinks as he muses on that. "I've thought about making more trouble for you," he admits. "Did you want to make a bet? I'd like that." This goes about as well as you can imagine. Notes: A fic about a bet with Elias backfiring on Peter. Beautifully written, with on-point characterisation, entirely believable, and very hot.

Alone at the Edge of the Universe by PossiblyHuman | 20k | Incomplete Summary: He couldn’t help it. He was twelve, and had never been fond of reading. Perhaps if he had known this would have been his only chance to read this story, he would have paid more attention. Instead, he closed the book, stroking his hands over the coat one more time before hanging it back on the hook branded with his initials.There was a feeling of intense sadness, leaving it there like that. It tore at him, deep in his core as he walked to the door. Basically begging him to go back for it. He ignored it. If he could ignore the cries of his own siblings, a coat would never hold any sort of a sway over him.

(Or, a self indulgent au where the Lukas family are all repressed and cursed selkies, and Peter deigns to ignore that. Until he no longer can anymore.) Notes: I was completely uninterested in selkie fics until reading this, because it’s just that good. 

Simon Says by navree | 5k | Complete Summary: It is the surety of the sentence, the way that Simon is absolutely convinced in what he says, like it's the simplest fact.

Five times two very old men discussed the status of a young third party (and the one time that status changed). Notes: So emotionally devastating that I will never recover. All of this person’s fics are just brilliant, well-written and well-characterised, but this one is just heart-wrenching in a way that you don’t really expect with characters like these. I have to share in the sadness. Bonus: I don’t subscribe to the whole ‘Peter died to protect Elias’ secrets’ hc, but this person’s writing is so good I don’t even care.

A Net of Gossamer by navree | 11k | Complete Summary: Peter gives James a smile then, as uncharacteristic as anything for a Lukas, though it's just as sharp as the last time he did, like a mouth filled with knives and hard edges, and though light, filled with mockery. James finds that he doesn't necessarily mind it.

Notes: Another brilliant fic by Navree! All the compliments for Simon Says applies here too. 

Unwanted Looking-After by NevillesGran | 4k | Complete Summary: Peter all but fell out of the Forsaken, which had never happened before. He had also never been seen—worse, known so intimately. He had never, in his life or worst nightmares, spoken for twenty minutes straight about himself. “Come now, Peter," said Elias. "I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

Peter has lost a bet and just barely survived his encounter with the Archivist. His day gets worse from there. Notes: This fic lives rent-free in my brain. Like the others, magnificent characterisation, well-written, and the ending hit me like a freight train (in a good way. You know, a ‘whao that is an incredibly hot concept I’ve never considered before and I’m adding it to my degeneracy’ sort of way). 

365 daily affirmations for healing and positive thinking by serenfire | 5k | Complete Summary: The florist asks, “So, who should I address these flowers to?” Martin can't seem to get the words out. This was, unequivocally, a bad idea. Georgie gives Martin one last, wicked smile. “Write: To Peter Lukas. From Elias Bouchard.” This was a really, terribly awful, extremely bad idea, and it’s definitely going to end with Martin’s death. Notes: Absolutely hysterical.

get off (i'll only call you after if you say i can) by lewdwizard (sillywizard) | 1k | Complete Summary: There is a particular flavor of loneliness, Peter thinks, to anonymous sex. Two parties seeking closeness, connection, from a stranger, ending the night in an empty bed with nothing but the hollow satisfaction of an orgasm. The physical closeness plays so nicely off the emotional distance, sharing such intimacy with someone you will likely never see again. It should come as no surprise that, when on land, Peter tends to frequent glory holes. Notes: Just some hot, hot gloryhole LonelyEyes.

Ready for your use by LonelyPirate | 3k | Complete Summary: Elias is having a great time. Peter not so much. Notes: Apparently I really like fics where Peter has Elias’ dick in his mouth. Anyway, hot, well-written, and the concept and execution is just [chefs kiss]. 

[ghostpunkrock]

more things I’ve been thinking about, really not trying to clog up the dash

truly sorry to be making so many posts about this but if you’ve been following for a hot minute you already know how much I enjoy them so I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole mess and just how so so so sad I feel for them. Like I can’t imagine what steven must be feeling seeing all that blatant racism directed at him all over a video company that he runs with his friends and he’s put so many of his own creative passion projects on a back burner just to keep them afloat and now having to find out that so many people hate him for it and think he’s the unnecessary third wheel and have just been waiting for a chance to unleash all of that hatred at him. And I’ve also been thinking about ryan a lot like out of the 3 of them he’s the one who’s most open about his mental health struggles and literally every year during making watcher he talks about how scared he is that people won’t like the things he makes and they’ll all turn on him and how worried he is that he’ll let down his friends who he convinced to start this business with him, and then to literally see so many people suddenly say that they don’t like anything he’s ever made at all at watcher and that he should’ve just stayed at buzzfeed making powerpoints, like his worst fear is literally coming to life around him. I really just feel so heartbroken for him.

Like I think the extremity of the internet reaction is due in a large part to the overly-familiar parasocial relationship a lot of fans have cultivated with them (partly under their own encouragement, but that’s thoughts I have for maybe a different time) that turned into this feeling of deeply personal betrayal, but it’s still baffling to me bc if you really did care for them enough to feel this betrayed, how could you also not feel any sympathy towards them? Like yeah obviously casual viewers never actually gave a shit about them as people and they’re showing that, but if you really were following them closely you should know all of this. It’s one thing to disagree with them, but how could you not feel any sympathy?

A common criticism I’m seeing is “they didn’t give any thought to their audience they didn’t think about how this would affect us and they didn’t care about our support or our feelings” and I think that sentiment is a normal human reaction sure, but I also think that in a creator/consumer (more like artist/viewer) relationship that really should go both ways. I think the “bullying works” jokes in this circumstance are tasteless bc it trivializes the feelings of real human people. This wasn’t getting neilman to make the gay angel/demon kiss, people were not just insulting the core of these guys’ livelihoods but publicly and loudly defaming their characters (and also coming after their families! like holy shit!). Like sure they broke trust with their audience that they will have to work to repair, but also the amount of confidence they’ll have to rebuild before they create anything new again… idk I don’t have a concise point I’m just trying to say that as someone who really supported and admired what they were doing I can’t help but feel really really sad for them. This must be so devastating

[paingoes]

Crash Out

Leveling

(Content: drugs, death mention, hanging/death penalty mention, emotional whump?)

=================

“Daddy…” Lorelai’s voice came out as a low whine. She leaned against the booth of the payphone and she twirled the cord between her fingers. She did everything she could not to cave, “I’m gonna be fine. I am being careful. I am. Put Mama back on. I love you. Daddy? I love you. I’m okay.”

Lorelai climbed back into the driver’s seat of the craft. It was a hot day and even hotter on the inside. Paris sat up a little from where he was laying down in the backseat. He propped himself up on his elbow, taking care to remain clear of the windows’ sightline.

“How’d it go?”

Lorelai sighed, “They’re really not happy, Paris. They said your face is on wanted posters.”

“Already?” He bit his lip, “Fuck. Are they gonna call the cops?”

“No, I don’t think so. They don’t want me getting caught up in it. They just want me to come home.”

“…Are you going to?”

“No!” She jumped back as if she’d been burned, as if he might make her leave. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

Paris peeked out the window, “That’s my guy.”

He dug through the side pockets of his bag and retrieved a stack. He passed it up to Lorelai who counted through it carefully.

“Wait, how much did you order?” She asked.

“An oz?”

“This is enough for three.” 

“It is?”

“Honey…”

============

The ship was back up in deep space soon enough, far removed from any planet’s claim to territory. It was safest that back. They were all too flighty after the war, all too happy to shoot down anything that entered their airspace. 

Paris rolled up on top of Lorelai’s copy of Port-hellion - it was a long account of the author’s life at sea, considered by some to be a fringe religious text. He felt only a little disrespectful using it to do drugs with. He was mostly just glad to have something to do with his hands.

Lorelai’s own were distracted with the steering wheel, tapping at it a bit anxiously. Just as soon as he had noticed her doing it, she had already deemed the moment right.

“You’re going to tell me, right?” She asked, “Whatever happened?”

“…Partied too hard,” He said slowly, not expecting it to work. He’d already changed the subject on her five times before. She was patient, but not so much that she would put up with it again. She stared at him in silence, forsaking the route. He sighed. 

“That’s literally what happened. I got way too fucked up at the Centurion Ball and the old guard got upset with me. Made me call my own ride home. Like five minutes after I left, the party got attacked. Airship crashed into the ocean. They said everyone aboard died,” Paris rolled the filter in between his fingers, hesitating for a second, “They were mostly just upset to lose Delta.”

Lorelai squeaked.

“He died?” Her hands were white around the wheel. “Oh my god, Paris, I’m so sorry.”

It wasn’t the reaction he was expecting. “Why?” He asked before he could stop himself.

“I don’t know.” She realized, at this point, how very tired he must be of I’m sorry for your loss. “Weren’t you kind of close with him?”

There was a strange tightness in his chest. He didn’t respond.

“That’s such a shame! He was so sweet...” She was clearly devastated.

“He had a body count in the upper thousands, but besides that, totally.” Paris’s response was curt.

It’s too defensive and he knows it, but he can’t stop himself. He doesn’t know why he ever though it was a good idea for them to know about each other. Those two spheres of his life were never meant to intersect. It’s been a complete nightmare ever since. 

“Well, what’s yours?” Lorelai’s tone shifted down by degrees.

“Hm?” He pretended not to hear her.

“What’s your body count?” She asked.

“Uh, zero, I’ve never been with another girl, I swear.”

She punched him lightly in the arm, “Not funny.”

He laughed a little. Not because it was funny, because it wasn’t. Just because the whole thing was so fucking stupid.

“No, I know,” he admitted, “It’s terrible. It’s just, like, fucking stupid. It’s not like I left him in a war zone. It was a civilian event in allied territory. It was a completely random fucking terrorist attack. How was I supposed to know to be on guard for that kind of thing? It was just a party. I’ve left him at ton of parties, he can fucking handle himself. I don’t see how I’m responsible for it.”

“Yeah, you left him at your birthday, too,” Lorelai’s voice was neutral. He shot her a look, which she seemed unfazed by. He rolled his shoulder.

“So, yeah. They’d been trying to charge me with negligence for a while, just cause, well…But it would never really stick until now. I mean, it doesn’t really matter, because the war is over now. I’d be tried for treason no matter what. It’s just, it looks really bad that I left five minutes before the attack started. I think they’re trying to pin me with conspiracy too. And maybe mass murder, if they really think I had something to do with it. Really just throwing the book at me, so that’s cool. Any one of those would be a death sentence on it’s own, I mean, they can only hang me once. It’s just overkill. It’s whatever,” He couldn’t shut up and he couldn’t look at her, “Thanks for reminding me, though. Really cool of you.”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” Lorelai said.

He ran his fingers through his hair, feeling the tension building up in his skull. He was startled to see the way they were shaking. He balled his hands up into fists. It forced them still.

“You asked,” He shrugged, “You’re probably gonna leave now, so whatever.”

“That’s the plan, isn’t it? Leaving?” She leaned over a little, taking note of the way he’d drawn in on himself, “We’re going the same way.”

Paris closed his eyes. It was all too much. In that moment, he felt exactly as he had the day his dad died. Everything he’d ever known was falling apart. That was a little over a year ago. God, was it going to be like this forever? Endless destruction of all the worlds he’d come to accept?

“I’m not leaving you, Paris, if that’s what you’re implying,” Lorelai insisted, “You promised we’d go together. You said you wouldn’t get scared. You’re not trying to back out, are you?”

He shook his head without opening his eyes. Stupid question. He didn’t have a choice. 

“I think it could be fun,” she said, a bit half-heartedly, “Hey, reach in the back pocket of my backpack. There’s a folder.”

He did. The folder was purple and undecorated. Inside, the papers were folded several times over. He took out the bundle, unwrapping them on the dashboard. It was a stack of maps, each of them drawn from hand. It showed the expanse of Empire all the way to its edges. There were several routes charted out in different colors. Each of them started at Absalom and ended at some point along the border. The outermost one was in Lorelai’s familiar, neat handwriting. The innermost map was in a messy script, overfull with spelling errors and butterfly stickers.

“Oh,” she blushed, “Uh, the most recent one. You can put the others back in the bag.”

His finger traced over one of the jeweled butterflies. He wished he had known her as a child. He wondered if he would’ve worked up the nerve to leave earlier, before everything had gone wrong. 

It didn’t matter. They never would have made it far. They barely had a shot now. 

==============

Tags: @catnykit@indigoviolet311@snakebites-and-ink@vivulapom@scoundrelwithboba@whatwhump@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire @micechomper

[hannabanana-6]

It’s over

Casey and Bryce argue over him pushing her away. Takes place sometime in Open Heart book 1, because I find it hard to believe Casey wouldn’t have an issue with Bryce still being so secretive with her when they’ve been seeing each other for so long.

“Casey, wait!” Bryce chased her down the corridor.

Case rolled her eyes and kept walking, until she felt Bryce’s hand on her wrist trying to stop her. She whirled around to face him, shooting him a sharp glare.

“Don’t cause a scene at work.” She muttered, as harshly as she could whilst trying not to draw any more attention to them.

“Please, Case. I miss you.”

“No you don’t, Bryce. You said this means something. I never pushed you further than that, I’ve been happy with what we have. But I still thought we were close. You haven’t acted like this means something to you at all. One minute you act like this is serious, like we actually have something, the next you’re pushing me away and ignoring my texts for a week. It’s giving me whiplash.”

“You’re my best friend.” Bryce pleaded.

Casey flinched. She knew they weren’t together, not really, but this hurt.

“You don’t treat a friend like this.” She spat, shaking with anger as she tried to hold back tears. She knew everyone was looking at them, everyone would have something to say. The highest ranked internal medicine intern and highest ranked surgical intern, yelling at each other in the middle of the hospital. Rumours already swirled around the two of them, and Casey knew they weren’t all kind. Half the hospital wanted to be sleeping with Bryce, and they all wondered why he chose her, of all people. Casey often wondered that too, when she wasn’t absolutely livid with him. The rumours about her also sleeping with Ramsey had made things worse recently. Casey didn’t mind a few odd rumours, but she had worked hard for this career, working her way through med school whilst also studying every spare minute, and the idea that she didn’t earn this spot hurt her, especially when she couldn’t even fully deny the rumours. Of course, she hadn’t slept with Ramsey, but she felt that he wanted to sleep with her, and it constantly worried her, making her question whether it was really her talent that got her where she was. It also caused everyone who was wanting to go out with Bryce themselves to resent her more, thinking she was sleeping around, not that it would’ve been any if their business if she was. Then there was the other half of the hospital, who thought Bryce was arrogant and cocky, and wondered why Casey put up with him. Bryce notoriously took what he wanted, and while Casey had always admired his drive, those who didn’t see how sweet, kind and caring he always was were jealous and bitter at how quickly he was making a name for himself at the hospital.

“I know, Case, I’m sorry. Things have been intense lately. I’ve needed to study.”

Casey scoffed. “Things have been no more intense for you than me. You used to tell me when you were stressed. I find it so hard to believe that you couldn’t reply to a single text.”

“Case-”

“No, Bryce. I’m done. Whatever this is- if this was even ever something, it’s over.”

Casey walked away, trying to keep her footsteps steady and avoid running into a supply closet and breaking down into tears. This was already embarrassing enough. She didn’t look back, refused to look back. If she did, she would’ve seen the devastation plainly written on Bryce’s face, seen Bryce grab a doorframe just to hold himself up as he watched her walk away.

That evening, Casey settled herself onto the sofa, piled under fluffy blankets. She had no intention of ever leaving the apartment again, she decided.

“Casey, you’re coming with us tonight.” Jackie commanded.

Casey groaned.

“I’m ill.” She moaned, nursing a hot chocolate bursting with marshmallows and pretending to watch Greys Anatomy.

Sienna looked at her sympathetically, but Jackie rolled her eyes.

“No, you’re wallowing, and you’re scared of seeing Lahela out tonight. It’s a girls night, and you don’t have a choice right now.”

Casey glanced up at Jackie, and realising she really didn’t have a choice, groaned again and padded over to her room to change.

“Put something hot on!” Jackie yelled after her.

An hour later, Casey was on her sixth - no, maybe seventh - tequila shot, and she had to admit she felt better. Her head felt light and fuzzy, and she was still thinking about Bryce, but it was nice to be distracted. She had briefly seen Bryce across the room when they’d walked into the bar, but she’d turned away immediately, and he seemed to have the good sense not to approach her. Sienna and Jackie were good friends, she thought happily. She really loved them.

“Aw, we love you too, Case.” Sienna grinned.

“Did I say that out loud?” Casey mused, slurring slightly.

“Unfortunately, yes. I forgot party Casey is sometimes soppy Casey.” Jackie groaned, looking equal parts irritated and affectionate.

“You love it.” Casey laughed.

“Look, Case! That cute guy is looking at you.” Sienna pointed - very unsubtly - to an attractive, slightly older man across the bar.

“Go over there.” Jackie ordered.

“Noooooo. I’m not ready. It’s girls night. Besides, Bryce would be annoyed.” She moaned.

“I thought you and Bryce were just friends anyway. And that you’re done.” Jackie replied, not very gently in Casey’s opinion. Tough love was not always best. Casey decided to glare at Jackie.

“Come on, he’s so cute. Just get his number.” Sienna giggled.

“Fine.” Casey relented, “But I want you to buy me an extra large cheesy fries on the way home.”

Sienna and Jackie practically pushed her out the booth. Casey went to the bar under the pretence of ordering another drink, and feigned surprise when the cute man next to her introduced himself. She smiled at him, chatting about herself and asking him questions about himself, trying her best to listen and seem interested, although her heart wasn’t really in it. He seemed nice enough, but he wasn’t really nearly as cute as Bryce, and he wasn’t as funny either, despite how many tequila shots she had downed. After a while, she excused herself, but not before giving him her number and agreeing to a potential date. She deserved to have fun and maybe this would help her forget Bryce.

On her way to the bathroom, Casey felt a hand grab her wrist, and she paused, stomach dropping.

“What are you doing?” Bryce growled. He sounded quite drunk too. He wasn’t normally the jealous type, but then he usually knew Casey would be going home with him.

“Having a night out with my friends.” She replied, trying to brush him off.

“Are you trying to make me jealous?”

“No, Lahela.” She snapped, “You have no reason to be jealous now anymore anyway, we’re nothing.”

Bryce ran a hand through his hair, desperately.

“I guess that’s fair. Look, I know how I’ve been acting- well, I know I’ve been off with you. Just let me explain, please.”

Casey could feel tears beginning to prick at her eyes. She couldn’t stay here much longer.

“Your time to explain is done, Bryce. I don’t care anymore.” Casey tried to speak with confidence, but her voice betrayed her, cracking mid-sentence. A tear rolled down her cheek, and Bryce reached forward as if to brush it off, but thought better of it and dropped his hand, letting it hang limply at his side.

“Look, Case. I hate myself for making you feel like this right now.”

“Then don’t make me feel like this.” Casey was dangerously close to full on sobbing now, and a tear ran down Bryce’s cheek as well, something Casey had never seen before.

“Look, Case, I’ve had so much family stuff going on. It’s been a lot, and I didn’t want to burden you with it. I know it was shitty, I should’ve told you, I just don’t like to talk about them. We’ve never been close, and I try not to think about them.” Bryce admits.

“I’m sorry, Bryce.” Casey replied softly, a hint of sympathy in her eyes. “That’s horrible. But you shouldn’t have pushed me away like that. You should’ve said something. You don’t need to tell me everything if you’re not ready, but I can’t feel like that again. I’ve been trying so hard Bryce, but I’ve needed you this past week, and I needed you to need me back. I can’t be doing this with someone that can’t communicate with me.”

Tears were streaming down both of their cheeks at this point, and Casey knew people were looking. She felt a hand gently grab her shoulder, and felt Sienna pulling her away.

“Come on, Case. Let’s get home.” Sienna said gently.

“Case-” Bryce began, but Jackie cut him off.

“Leave it, Bryce. You’re both drunk, just go home.”

Casey blindly followed her friends to the exit, allowing herself to glance quickly back at Bryce, who was staring back at her, a look of gut-wrenching agony on his face.

The next day, Casey was completing her rounds, admittedly slightly hungover. Finally, after what seemed like forever, her shift ended and she headed to the changing rooms. She sighed as she saw Bryce in there - just her luck. He smiled tentatively as she entered, holding out a single red rose. Casey rolled her eyes.

“It’s not that easy, Bryce.”

“I know Case. But I know we have something great. I’m not giving up, I’m going to win you back, I promise.”

Casey carefully kept her face straight, and looked down, refusing to betray any emotion. Bryce looked slightly disappointed, but unsurprised.

“I‘ll see you tomorrow.” He smiled at her again, sadly but sincerely as he headed to the exit.

It was only once he’d left that Casey allowed a small, private smile to appear on her face.

[hockeyboysimagines]

Bitter

Chapter 9

Warnings: Mentions of sex, alcohol, pregnancy, angst, some fluff.

PSA: A lot of people have asked me where I got the inspiration for Kaitlin, and I haven’t ever really answered it. I knew a girl who did exactly what Kaitlin is doing. In real life she was successful in derailing the wedding and ultimately broke up the people getting married. It was actually really horrible but I did base Kaitlin off of her. If you guys want a more in depth explanation let me know. I’d be happy to tell the story.

One more after this one guys😭😭😭😭Next chapter will be Mat and Leighton’s wedding!

Enjoy!!

Beau was gone when Ginny woke up the next morning, and if she was being honest she was glad he was. His cologne still lingered on her sheets as she rolled over and sighed, eyes closing again.

She felt so tired, both physically and mentally and she couldn’t decide which was worse. There was too much happening and most of it was completely out of her control. She’d only ever been not in control of a situation one time in her life, and that had been a long time ago.

Her phone buzzed twice and she pulled it towards her, seeing a message from Mat.

M: Hey. We want you to come over for lunch today? Let me know if you can make it. I have practice and Leighton’s been asking for you.

G: Of course I’ll be there. Tell her I’ll see her in a few hours.

M: Thanks Gin. Love you.

G: Love you🤍

She rolled over again and pulled herself up, leaning her neck back and forth before she stood, stretched and made her way to the bathroom to shower. It was going to be a long few days, as the wedding was fast approaching and there was so much to do. The thought of it exhausted her as she cranked the water to hot and let her clothes fall to the floor.

But she would do it because Leighton needed her.

*********

Kaitlin examined the black eye and swollen nose in the mirror. She had thought for a moment about pressing charges and having Ginny arrested, but then she remembered she’d been harassing and sabotaging for months and could get in trouble for that. She had a little more than two weeks to go before Mat and Leighton got married and she was running out of ideas. She was angry still, but it had faded a little over time and even though she had a vendetta, she felt like maybe it was time to let it go.

Maybe.

*********

Leighton didn’t bring up Beau when Ginny got to their apartment. She acted as if everything was normal, until Ginny brought him up. Even though the confrontation had been mostly forgotten due to the devastating news about Leighton’s pregnancy, Ginny still felt a little guilty for lying to her.

“Ginny can you be honest for a minute? Do you have feelings for him? Actual feelings?” She asked gently.

“I don’t really know.” Ginny sighed and leaned back on the sofa “I’ve never actually had feelings for someone.”

“Okay feelings aside, do you want to be with him? Not just sleeping with him, but actually having a relationship?”

Ginny but her lip and nodded “I do.” And then she felt tears come to her eyes “God this sucks.”

Leighton smiled and nodded “It does, but if you do feel this way you should talk to him. He thinks you hate him.”

“I kind of do. Or at least I did. I don’t know I guess I never really gave him a chance. I was so determined to dislike him, I never got to know him, until that night in Manhattan. I realized that maybe he wasn’t so bad, and it snowballed from there. But it was supposed to be just sex. No feelings involved.”

“There’s different ways to get feelings Gin. Some are fast and easy, some take a while. And if he’s what you want, I just want you to be happy.”

“Thank you best friend. I don’t know how I’d survive without you sometimes.” Ginny said the last part a little fearfully, eyes flicking down to Leighton’s stomach, where a visible baby bump had appeared.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Leighton said with a small smile.

Ginny leaned over and let her head fall on Leighton’s shoulder and sighed.

Leighton gave her a pat on the arm “Guys.” She said with a sigh.

“Their the fucking worst.” Ginny replied with a small laugh.

************

Ginny wiggled into an Emerald green dress and ran her fingers through her curls. She was due at the pre-engagement party for Mat and Leighton in a little over an hour, and she had pulled out all the stops.

She was admittedly a little nervous to see Beau, but also a little excited. She hated to say it, but she missed him. Even though it had started as a no strings attached, strictly sex type of relationship, she grew to like him for more than that.

While it scared her still, she had started to imagine a world where maybe she could love him, or at least care for him enough to explore the thought of him being a constant in her life. Love still scared her, but it was becoming less intimidating by the day.

She sighed and adjusted her dress in the mirror. Stepping into her heels and grabbing her clutch. She was ready to admit her feelings to him, to come clean about it all. To finally tell him she actually liked him, and that yelling at him was a mistake. She didn’t mean anything she said, and she wanted to try again.

She left the apartment, full of optimism and hopeful that he felt the same. She hadn’t really thought about what she would do if he said he wasn’t interested. She would deal with that if it happened.

She parked, took a deep breath and walked towards the the bar they’d booked for the party. Some people were already there, but not him. She found Mat and Leighton, conversing with them briefly before Leighton excused herself to pee.

After she left Mat turned to Ginny “Are you doing okay?”

Ginny shrugged “I guess. I’m just stressed i guess. Too much happening. Leighton, Beau, Kaitlin. It’s just been a lot.”

“Agreed. So what’s going to happen with you guys. Leighton hasn’t said much about what you guys talked about at lunch.” Mat had purposely avoided talking about Leighton and Ginny didn’t blame him.

Ginny looked at her feet and sighed, drumming her fingernails on her glass “I don’t know.”

“When’s the last time you talked?”

“Two weeks ago. He came over after I found out about Leighton, but we haven’t talked since then.” She said a little sheepishly. She hadn’t told anyone about when he came over after she found out about Leighton, simply because she had already stressed Leighton out enough and didn’t wanna add to it.

“Does he make you happy Ginny? Because if he makes you happy then you should give it another try don’t you think? You deserve happiness.”

Before she could answer she heard someone say his name and a wide smile stretched across her face as she turned.

She saw him enter from across the room, and before she could help herself she made to step forward before she froze. Trailing behind him, fingers intertwined was some girl, who had clearly come with him. She was smiling widely as he introduced her to his teammates.

Her throat felt like it was closing, and what could only be described as rage was boiling inside of her, bubbling like a volcano that was about to explode.

“Ginny.” Mat put a hand on her arm and she whipped around, yanking it away. Mat took a small step back, remembering how angry she’d been at him just a few months ago, when she’d thrown the frame at him. But that was nothing compared to this. She was almost unrecognizable, her face was twisted with rage, eyes burning into him in a way that made him almost uncomfortable.

“Did you know?” She asked quietly.

Mat gaped at her before she snapped at him “Did you know?!”

“Of course not.” He said holding his hands up.

She had a white knuckle grip on her wine glass, and for a minute he thought it might shatter. Her cheeks were as red as her hair as she downed it, and stared a hole through Beau until he turned and met her eye. He looked at his feet, and bit his lip, guilt all over his face.

Ginny turned on her heel and disappeared somewhere, and Mat let his head fall back and looked at the ceiling exasperated.

“Can we have just one day without drama? Just one?” He mumbled to himself eyes closed.

“Have you seen Ginny?” He opened his eyes and turned to find Lauren looking slightly concerned.

“She went that way, but I’d give her some space right now…”

“Yeah that’s why I’m looking for her. Is she okay?”

“Not really. I should go talk to Beau I think.”

He walked towards him and pulled him aside “Are you out of your mind? You brought a date when Ginny was gonna be here?”

“Why wouldn’t I? We were never exclusive.”

“Dude come on-“

“Look I tried with Ginny okay. She made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with me anymore.”

“Really? That’s why you guys were together just two weeks ago? I don’t get you. Just a few months ago you were hell bent on me breaking up my marriage, and you were right about that. You spewed all this nonsense about listening to my feelings and here you are not listening to your feelings.”

“How do you know what my feelings are?”

“Oh come on man. It’s all over your face. If you wanna lie to everyone else that’s fine, but don’t lie to me. Not about this.”

“Even if I wanted to be with her, she wants nothing to do with me. Did you see that look she just gave me?”

“Because you showed up with some other girl. And because she was about to give you another chance.” Mat said the words before he could stop himself. It wasn’t really his place to tell him that, but he wondered if maybe that was the only way to get him to stop being so dense.

He looked dumbfounded, mouth slightly ajar “She was?”

“Yes. What’s wrong with you?” He asked brows furrowed. Beau then felt guilty. His dream girl, who he both hated and loved at the same time was coming around to him after everything that had transpired between them and he had showed up with some other girl he had zero attraction to, because he wanted to spite her.

Mat shook his head and walked away, leaving Beau with Kerrie and his teammates. They looked awkward as they interacted with her. Now that they knew about Ginny, they were confused about why he had showed up with someone else. Sydney was looking at him with a frown, before she sipped her drink and excused herself, and he was sure she went to find Ginny and Leighton.

Elsewhere Leighton had found Ginny at the bar, 4 shots in and ready for another.

“Whoa.” She remarked as Ginny downed another one “What’s the matter?”

“Why don’t you ask him?” She said quietly, jerking her head in the direction of Beau and the girl he’d brought.

Leighton sucked in a breath “Ginny…Ginny I’m so sorry. I had no idea-“

“It’s fine. It’s not your fault. It’s mine actually, for being so fucking stupid.”

“Your not stupid.”

“No I am. What was my one rule? Don’t ever be vulnerable. And what did I do? I broke it and look where it got me. Never again.” Ginny felt a tear come to her eye and then gave Leighton a tight lipped smile “It’s fine. I’ll be fine.” She turned and walked away from the bar and disappeared into the crowd with her wine glass in her hand.

“Ginny.” She turned and froze. Beau was standing there, eyes soft, looking at her apprehensively.

“Can I talk to you?” He asked lowly, hand coming to rest on her arm. She laughed, and yanked her arm from his grip.

“Can you talk to me? No you can’t fucking talk to me.”

“Ginny please I-“

“Who is she?” She asked pointing at her. Several of his teammates had stopped conversation and started listening.

“She’s- she’s just a girl I know.”

“A girl you know? Okay Beau. Get away from me.” She didn’t look angry, but she looked sad and disgusted.

“Ginny can we just go somewhere and talk. Please?” He blocked her path. She squinted at him and smiled a little, eyes narrowing. As he took a step closer, the smell of alcohol was apparent and he realized he was talking to drunk Ginny, not sober Ginny.

“No. Let’s talk right here.” She said voice rising. Her face was flushed as she pointed at Kerrie.

“I bet she thinks wow what a winner he’s great!” Ginny said spilling a bit of wine over the rim of her glass as she swung it in her direction. She took another step backwards as he tried to take the glass from her hand and quiet her.

“And I’d be willing to bet you fucked her right there on that kitchen counter. Where you used to fuck me remember?” He stepped forward trying to hush her again but she just got louder.

“Ginny stop.” He said as she reached forward grabbing the shirt, fisting the fabric in her hand.

“ I know you think about me when your with her.” She slurred as more wine tumbled over the rim of the glass spilling on to the hardwood with a slapping sound. Lauren and Sydney both watched sadly as Ginny unraveled in front of them, and the entire bar. It was sad, to see her finally lose it. Beau, Leighton, all of it had finally made her fall apart, something she had never done. Her mistake of being vulnerable had finally come back to bite her, and there was nothing she could do to stop it from spilling over.

Kerrie had noticed this now and was frowning, eyes growing glassy as she watched them interact. She had been hopeful that maybe Beau decided he liked her, but as she watched him with Ginny she started to think he’d only brought her to get back at her.

Beau gripped Ginny by the wrist and attempted to steer her into the privacy of the hallway, eyes searching the room for Leighton. She was watching them, Mat behind her. She looked sad, knowing that Ginny had finally hit rock bottom. She came forward just as Ginny was about to speak again, and put a hand gently on her shoulder. Ginny turned to look at her, and while no words were spoken, her eyes told her she needed to stop. She had tears in her eyes as Leighton pushed her forward and into the bathroom giving him a look he could quite read before closing the door. Kerrie had disappeared from her spot and he ran a hand frustratedly through his hair and made his way to the bar avoiding the eyes of his teammates. He sat down, and felt a presence at his side and a hand on his shoulder. Mat was looking sadly at him.

“I fucked up bro.” Beau said quietly, leaning forward to let his head fall into his hands. This was all his fault. All of it. Even if things were truly over between them, it was wrong to bring Kerrie. It wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to Ginny. And it wasn’t fair to Mat and Leighton.

Mat nodded and sighed sitting on the stool next to him “Look man. Ginny is....different. I think she got used to leaving guy’s broken hearted. I don’t think she’s ever been on the receiving end of it. It’s gotta be hard for her. I’ve never seen her fall apart this way.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her I just...I thought if I moved on first it wouldn’t hurt as bad when she did.”

“Take it from someone who’s tried that. It doesn’t work. I was engaged to Kaitlin and I still loved Leighton, I don’t think I ever really stopped I just pushed it away. You gotta talk to her.”

“I don’t think so. That might make things worse. I have a lot of apologies to make. To you, to Leighton, to Kerrie. Ginny most of all, but I don’t think she’d even want to see me.”

Leighton appeared next to Mat, wetness under her eyes.

“Where is she?” Beau asked quietly.

“I sent her home. Please don’t go and see her. Please.” Her voice broke at the end, lip trembling “She needs to be alone.”

“I understand. I’m sorry. For all of this.”

“It’s not your fault, but this is just too much.”

He nodded and Mat put an arm around Leighton’s shoulder “Don’t get upset. You aren’t supposed to get stressed.”

“I’m gonna go. I promise I won’t go see Ginny. Sorry again.”

They both nodded and watched him leave.

“Are you okay?” Mat asked gently, turning to face Leighton fully.

She shook her head, tears spilling out of her eyes “No I’m not okay. I can’t take much more of this. Ginny, Beau, Kaitlin. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Ginny and Beau will work themselves out, and as for Kaitlin, I’m going to handle that. I promise.”

**********

He kept his word. After he put Leighton to bed, he quietly left the apartment, and made his way across town to Kaitlin’s. He sat in the car for a minute, rehearsing his words in his head. He wasn’t sure anything he said would make a difference at this point, but he had to try.

The parking lot was quiet, the only sounds being his footsteps as he made his way up the stairs and to her door. He knocked three times, and after a few minutes she opened the door. She looked both surprised to see him, but also not, and then she smiled.

“Mat. Hi.”

“I need to talk to you.” He said flatly moving past her and into her apartment. It was small, much smaller than the one they’d shared. Kaitlin was still by the door, smiling at him like she used to as she closed it.

“How are you? I miss you.” She said moving towards him, but he held out a hand to stop her.

“Don’t. I’m not here for that. I’m here to tell you to stay away from my wedding, stay away from my friends, and stay away from Leighton.”

“Mat I-“

“No. I’m talking. I’ve let this go on for too long, because I felt guilty about what happened. But what your doing now is going too far.”

“You have no idea about going too far. Going too far was saying someone else’s name on the altar.”

“And I’ve apologized for that. Why can’t you let it go?”

“Because I still love you.” She said. She had started to cry, tears staining her face. While he normally would have felt bad, it only made him angrier.

“Did you cheat on me with her?” Kaitlin asked voice breaking. She had long suspected that he had strayed from their engagement, but she’d never been able to confirm it.

Mat hesitated a seconds, biting his lip “Yeah Kaitlin. I did.”

“When?”

“The day after we moved up the wedding. And it was wrong of me. I should have been honest with you from the start. And I’m sorry.”

“I knew it.” She wiped under her eyes and shook her head “I knew you did. What other reason would you say her name instead of mine. That’s why I’m doing all this. Because you ruined my life.”

“So because we didn’t work out, you’re going to ruin my life?” He asked. What he did was wrong, but that didn’t make what she was doing right either.

“Didn’t work out?! That’s what you call that? Because I call it sabotage-“

“No what your doing now is sabotage Kaitlin! I mean this is insane! Trying to stop my wedding?”

“Did you ever love me at all?” She asked tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Yeah I did. You don’t have to believe that but I did. And I’m sorry that I hurt you Kaitlin I really am but…but I love her. And I want to marry Leighton. It’s over for us.”

Kaitlin flinched and sniffled but nodded “Yeah I know it is… I think it was over for us a long time ago.”

Mat was silent a moment before she spoke again, voice cracking “I’ve always known I wasn’t really the love of your life. Even before she showed up here. I could feel I was never getting 100% of your heart, like there was a part of it I would never see. And it was my fault for sticking around. I just thought that maybe you could learn to love me someday or that maybe your hate for her would be enough to make you stay with me. That was my mistake. I could see it in your eyes when you told me she was here. That your feeling shad changed.”

“I’m not here to rehash the past Kaitlin. I’m here to tell you to stay away from my wedding, and away from my fiancé. It doesn’t matter what you do. I will move my wedding across the country, but I’m still going to marry her. It’s over.” He said coldly. He didn’t feel the slightest bit bad about it either. He had apologized enough for what he did and he wouldn’t allow her to guilt him into anymore of it.

Kaitlin nodded “I know. I’m done with all this. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. And I’d like to apologize to Leighton too.”

“You aren’t going to talk to her ever. Stay away from her. I mean it. I wish you the best, but this is the last time your ever going to see me. Goodbye Kaitlin.”

He walked past her and for a second she looked like she might reach out to him, but she didn’t. Instead she let him walk out the door, and out of her life for good. As he walked towards his car, a weight that had come to rest on his shoulders melted away and stayed in that apartment. He had made his peace with the situation and he wouldn’t revisit it.

He would always be thankful to her for helping him heal during the lowest point in his life. But anything beyond that was done. He was finally going to marry the love of his life, and she was what was important to him now. Not Kaitlin, not the drama and not the past.

He felt relieved and at peace as he made his way back home. The apartment was quiet as he stepped inside, took off his shoes and made his way to their bedroom. Leighton was facing away from the door on her side, and stirred as he slipped into bed next to her.

“Hey.” She said softly eyes still closed. He placed an arm gently around her waist, hand coming to rest on her stomach “Where have you been?”

“I was out. Keeping my promise.”

************

“Jesus Christ.” Beau said picking up a box and heaving it one the kitchen island “You have a lot of stuff.”

“Think of it as conditioning before camp starts.” Mat said ripping the tape off a second box.”

“What is all this? None of it’s labeled and I don’t want to accidentally unpack your underwear or something.”

Mat chuckled and nodded over his shoulder “It’s already unpacked.”

“Priorities.” Beau said snapping his fingers and reaching over to start unboxing stuff “Let’s see.” He said peering inside “Looks like bedroom stuff. A lamp, T.V remote, socks, and…” he trailed off digging in the box “Who’s this?”

Mat turned to see him holding up a frame. His smile faded a little. It was something he took with him everywhere, and while it felt a little silly he just couldn’t part with it. He cleared his throat “That’s Leighton, my ex girlfriend.”

“You keep a picture of your ex girlfriend in your bedroom? Sounds like more than an ex girlfriend to me.”

“She was. I uh-I asked her to marry me once.” He smiled but it was a sad smile “She said no. I haven’t seen her since then.”

“Oh shit. I’m sorry Barz I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine. I’ve kind of come to terms with it I guess. But for whatever reason I can’t let go of that picture.”

He reached for it and held it in front of him looking down at it. She was so beautiful, smile wide as he leaned into him, arms wrapped around his middle. Her eyes were twinkling, happy. They’d been so in love, so excited for their future together. Those people had no idea that in a year their life would be completely separate from each other.

“Do you…wanna talk about it?” Beau asked teaching into the box to unpack everything else.

“There’s not much to talk about. She’s gone you know? It happened and it took a long time to come to terms with, but I’ve mostly gotten over it. It’s time to move on.” He sighed and recounted some of the details on what had happened. By the end of the story, Beau was looking apologetically at him.

“I don’t know how you do it buddy. That’s part of why I’ll never fall in love. I couldn’t go through that.”

“Sometimes you’ll do anything for someone you love. Even let them go. You never know, you might fall for someone some day. Someone unexpected.”

“Nah. That’s not my thing. Love doesn’t find guys like me.”

[biffhofosho]

Prisoner to Temptation | Chapter Thirteen

Word Count: 8.4k

A/N: I feel like we’re missing a few things... Hm... Perhaps this conclusion may elucidate them. After all, I promised you a fairytale ending. Let’s see if I can deliver, yes?

Cvr | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | Ep

Neither Naran nor Hyungwon were morning people, but as she stared into her husband's chocolate eyes, she thought he looked most breathtaking in morning light. Of course, her view might have been colored by the fact that he was looking up at her over the hill of her breast, his lips flushed around her nipple as his tongue swirled deftly within the cavern of his mouth. She forked her hand back through his silky bangs, and for a second, he stole those beautiful eyes from her as his lids shuttered under her adoration.

“Finally awake,” said Hyungwon as he came up for breath. “I’ve been helping myself to you for a while now.”

“Mm, is that why my whole body is already shivering?”

He smiled and kissed her breast again before he said, “Another minute, and I was just going to slip inside you anyway.”

“What a pretty thought,” murmured Naran as she brushed his hair again.

“Let’s make it a reality then, shall we.”

The prince’s hands charted across every bit of flesh with a strange sort of dedication. With every pass of his questing fingers, Naran felt more and more precious—and more and more keyed up. Her thighs rubbed together under the covers so much that he had to still her with a rough grip.

“I thought you were going to take me,” she whined.

“And I will, I swear it, but first, what’s this?” asked Hyungwon curiously as he fondled the underside of her breast.

Naran shot up on her elbows, concern suddenly in her voice. “What’s what?”

“Here. Right here. I haven’t kissed this spot before.”

Her husband pressed his lips to the sensitive, neglected skin there, and the princess fell back to her pillow with a groan. “You’re such a tease.”

“Hardly. I deliver, don’t I?”

Naran scowled at him. “Not always.”

Hyungwon’s jaw dropped. “When did I not?”

“After our picnic?”

“Ah, yes,” he said with a blush before he hid his face in her chest. “I had forgotten.”

“Well, I most certainly did not.”

Hyungwon eased up her body then, his skin caressing hers the entire way until his mouth hovered at her own. He looked down at his wife apologetically before he glossed his lips along the arc of her cheekbone. “Shall I help you forget then, darling?”

“I don’t know if I can forget,” she challenged. “It was devastating.”

“Then I shall make up for it all day today. I’ll deny you nothing, princess.”

“Hyungwon, we hardly left our room yesterday. Is that where today is headed as well?” she observed with a chuckle.

“I was going to propose the hot springs, but it depends on whether you keep giving me a hard time. We may not leave this bed.”

Naran fisted his straining length then and Hyungwon grunted. With a purr, she replied, “Mm, yes, it does seem to be unfairly hard. We must do something about it first then because my muscles are rather sore and begging for a soak.”

“Yes, we must, though I confess I have ulterior motives. I have many things I want to do to you in the springs. You have no idea how I suffered the last time we were there.”

“Oh, I think I do.” Naran put her lips to her husband’s ear to whisper, “I fantasized about riding you in those pools until we both came undone. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so much so that I nearly straddled your lap then and there. My need for you was so overpowering that when we came home, you know what I did, my prince?”

“What?” Hyungwon asked breathlessly.

“I touched myself as I thought about you.”

The prince jerked back, his eyes pools of their own, only his were black and swirling with devilry. “You really shouldn’t provoke me like that this early, my darling.”

“Whoops,” Naran teased with a cheeky grin that he was quick to kiss away.

His mischievous tongue roved about hers, sampling her despite their stale mouths. It was raw and warm and comforting in its familiarity. When Hyungwon pulled back, she smiled up at him. Her hand cupped his cheek so she could rub her thumb over the plush flesh there.

“So,” she drawled, “are you going to let your wife have her way, sir?”

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“On whether or not she shows me how she touched herself.”

“Hyungwon,” Naran whined, “I can’t wait for you that long. I need you inside me too badly.”

To underscore her point, she bucked upward, and the prince sighed contentedly. “See, how could I ever deny you again when you speak so prettily to me. Very well, once we get home tonight, you will show me. Swear it.”

“I swear! So, please, do not make me wait anymore. Take me. Make me yours again and again.”

Hyungwon wasted no time slipping a finger between her folds to prime her needy sex, not that he had his work cut out for him. Even in sleep, her body had beckoned him, and he found her already soaked with longing for him.

They did not need words anymore to know what the other craved. By now, their bodies were so finely tuned to one another that pleasure came as second nature, so when Hyungwon pushed her shoulder up to roll her onto her side, Naran followed eagerly.

She waited breathlessly, her whole body a lightning rod begging for his electricity, and when the back of his fingers ghosted down her arm, she shivered, a tremulous moan escaping her throat. His body conformed to hers, his knees folded into the back of hers, his chest to her spine, and his manhood aching against the swell of her backside. He was hot all over, but the shape of his cock was a firebrand on her skin. Her eyes fluttered shut at her daily reminder of how his want for her never waned.

Hyungwon’s lips came next, planted as they’d become accustomed to the side of her neck. For a moment, Naran was so distracted by the lave of his tongue down her throat that she missed him lifting her top leg and easing it back over his hip.

Her muscles stretched to the new angle, and at the way her seam parted with the exposure, she gasped. Hyungwon ran his fingertips up from her knee, over her thigh, to the crest of her sex, and as he stroked her slit, he sighed.

“So eager,” he murmured and kissed her throat again.

All Naran could do was pant. She was eager. Now that she had invited her husband into her heart, she wasn’t going to pretend anymore that she was anything but.

Hyungwon slipped into her heat with a groan, his hand pressing into her soft belly. “Always so tight for me, my darling.”

“Mm, you should wake me like this every day,” she murmured.

“Nothing would make me happier. Shall we start with soft and slow, like this?”

His shaft dragged along her walls, the side angle giving Naran a sense of fullness that she hadn’t anticipated. She could feel every part of him in this position, especially the way her core parted with every intrusion and then begged for his return as he pulled out to the head of his cock.

“Put it back, put it back!” she begged when he had almost escaped.

Hyungwon kissed along her jaw, and Naran could feel his smile at her desperation. He nibbled at the neglected skin there as he teased, “I love when you get like this.”

He pressed in hard and fast to his hilt, and the air rushed out of her. She clawed at her husband’s hand as she held on against the tidal wave of relief she experienced when he was fully immersed within her.

“I could stay like this forever,” he whispered.

“Then stay like this,” she echoed as her hips swirled in his lap. The way his member stirred her insides left Naran’s head fuzzy.

“We’ll never make it to dinner then,” Hyungwon chuckled.

“Who cares.”

“They’re preparing your mutton dumplings though. I know how long you’ve been waiting for those.”

“They’ll reheat nicely,” Naran said dismissively and squirmed in his grasp to urge him on. “I just want you today.”

Hyungwon thrust lazily between her thighs as he kissed every part of her he could reach. His hands could afford to rove much more greedily though, so they wandered up from pinching her nipples to lightly ringing her throat.

“My beautiful wife,” he whispered at her ear. “Can’t get enough of you.”

“Never stop…” Naran begged.

Her eyes had already rolled back in her head as Hyungwon’s strokes picked up speed. He pulled her back roughly against him, so her body now draped over his like a blanket while he plowed into her from below rather than just from behind. Her head rested in the crook of his neck and her back warmed his chest, but her own was naked and exposed, giving him free rein to grope her breast with one hand while playing with her core with the other.

Hyungwon grunted harder and harder next to her ear as he hurtled them faster toward their finish line. For her part, Naran grew more and more vocal. Her hand joined his on her chest while the other reached back and tugged on his sweaty locks. His diligent attentions only faltered when he wet the fingers teasing her hill with his tongue, only to put them right back with furious determination.

Just as she was about to unleash all over his manhood, there was a knock at the door.

“Ignore it,” Hyungwon commanded as he stubbornly continued his thrusts.

Another knock preceded an awkward but familiar “Your Highness.”

“Go away, damn you,” groaned the prince.

“Your Highness, my sincerest apologies, but I come bearing an urgent message from His Majesty the Emperor.”

This time, Hyungwon outright snarled as he pulled out unsatisfied. Naran crumpled in on herself with a whimper bordering on actual tears.

“Ah! I am so sorry, my sweet, but don't even think of moving,” the prince ordered as he tugged on his robe and tossed a blanket over her.

Hyungwon kept the door tight to his face as he hissed at his valet, “What couldn’t wait another hour, Hansol?”

“For you, Your Grace,” the red-faced valet replied as he passed a sealed envelope through the crack in the door.

The prince shut it immediately on his friend and leapt back toward the bed, shucking off his robe in an instant.

“What did the letter say?” Naran asked, but her husband simply chucked the envelope to the floor as he hovered over her.

“Who cares? It can wait until after I’ve made you come undone all over my cock, you wild thing.”

“Hyungwon—”

He kissed her then through her incredulous giggles until they became soft moans and her hands wrapped around his neck.

In a single motion, he was inside her again and working her back into her frenzy. Her thwarted release burned a thousand times more urgently, especially since she could ogle her husband now. She loved seeing Hyungwon fully exposed for her—every muscle, every mole, every dip and divot of his body on display for her appreciation. She loved the way his body rolled as he refined his strokes to fill her just the way she liked—not frantic yet but thorough, leaving no part of her walls untouched. She loved the way he sucked in his bottom lip and furrowed his brow as he gave her his all. She loved that whenever she touched him, he melted into her hand and stared at her with such grateful eyes.

Why had she ever fought him? This was always inevitable. He was always inevitable. And she loved it.

“You’re squeezing me so tightly,” Hyungwon grunted.

“Can’t help it…”

He kissed her again, and as he did, his hips slowed. Normally, Naran would have whined and bucked and begged for more, but kissing him so deeply while sheltering his length inside her felt like nothing else in the world. If his arms weren’t wrapped around her, she might have floated away.

“Sorry,” he said as he pulled back and drove emphatically into her. “No more distractions, I promise.”

Hyungwon returned to rubbing her just the way she liked—fast and relentless, favoring that one extra-sensitive spot he’d discovered made her extra vocal—and as her bud stiffened, her walls contracted, and the next thing Naran knew, her eyes opened to a shower of little black stars raining all over her electrified skin. She fell limp to the bed, useless except to receive her husband’s first release of the day, which came a minute later along with a strangled cry of her name.

The prince tumbled to the side, his hands falling to his heaving chest while his member twitched and sagged gradually toward his thigh, still throbbing and adorned with a sloppy white crown.

Together, they caught their breath as their hands found one another in the sheets. Hyungwon squeezed hers, and Naran’s head lolled toward him.

“So, you changed your mind then? Shall we just stay in bed all day?” he suggested.

“Perhaps fresh air would do us some good. I’m developing an unhealthy addiction to your body.”

“Lucky me,” the prince gloated.

“I suppose you did promise the hot springs, and I promised you something after. Besides, you still haven’t opened your letter, you devil.”

“I don’t care what it says. It’s just a pointless reason to put an end to my time with you, and I’m not interested.”

“You’re impossible,” Naran scolded and moved to hop out of the bed before her husband’s arms fastened around her waist and threw her back to the mattress to her playful yelp. “Hyungwon! It could be important.”

“Not as important as you are, little star.” He kissed her nose then, but she waved him off.

“There’s no point in sweet-talking me,” she insisted, though she could feel the color at her chest and throat. “What if something’s happened?”

Hyungwon groaned and flopped onto his back. “Since when did you become the dutiful one between the two of us?”

Grumbling all the way, the prince scooped up the letter and ripped open the seal to read his father’s handwriting. A snarl bubbled up from the back of his throat before he tossed the letter back to the floor and collapsed to the bed again.

“And?” pressed Naran.

“Pointless, just like I said,” he groused. “My father wants us to return immediately to the palace. He says we shouldn’t have taken off without notice. Blah blah blah, I have offended Champa irrevocably yet again.”

Naran shot up to glare at her husband. “You didn’t tell them we were leaving? Are you insane?”

“It wasn’t important at the time. I was worried I was losing you. All rational thought had left me.”

The princess leaned over him and caressed his face before she kissed him briefly. If the prince thought he might win, that hope was dashed a second later.

“Hyungwon, we must go back.”

“Oh, must we?” he parroted with a chuckle. “The only thing we must do is dirty these sheets one more time.”

“You’re absolutely hopeless.”

He propped his cheek on his hand as he looked at his wife with stars in his eyes. “When it comes to you, absolutely.”

But at her firm glower, Hyungwon pulled back with an odd somber look in his eye.

“What’s wrong?” Naran probed, genuinely worried.

“It’s ridiculous, but… I’m afraid…”

She cocked an eyebrow. “Afraid of what? The Emperor?”

Hyungwon shook his head lightly. It took him a long moment and a deep breath, but finally, he confessed, “I'm afraid things will change between us when we get back to the palace.”

Naran’s eyes widened. With her newly unburdened heart, her first inclination was to laugh, but slowly, she realized that what he was afraid of was exactly what she was afraid of. Back at the palace, there were servants with whom he'd had a past and a ruthless father determined to influence his son's future. There were impediments and obligations and games of Court.

Here at the villa, the world could not have been simpler. In those rare occasions when they came up for air, the couple was always side-by-side, walking the grounds hand-in-hand or nestled together in shadowy corners away from prying eyes. It was like some beautiful dream. They were simply Hyungwon and Naran, newlyweds. There were no other titles or ceremonies other than those sought passionately between a husband and wife.

Back at the palace…

Naran clutched her husband's hand between both of hers so she could kiss each of his fingertips, savoring, to her surprise, a bit of herself on his skin. “Things will be different, but it doesn’t have to be different between us. I will not back down anymore. Let us share all our fears with one another now. I want to hear them and I want to share my own.”

At this, Hyungwon perked. “What are yours?”

“I’m afraid the Emperor will coerce you into other marriages.”

The prince set his jaw in a stiff line. “I am wiser now. I see through his schemes, and I will not let him manipulate my feelings for you anymore.”

“Even without that, I’m not the only one at the palace with hopes of staying by your side. I’m afraid you won’t be all mine anymore.”

Hyungwon pressed his forehead to hers so he could garner all her attention. “I’ll always be yours and yours alone.”

Naran beamed. “And I am yours.”

“We understand each other at last.”

“Mm, at long last. So now, if that’s settled, we best give your father some small trinket to appease him since he cannot toy with us any way he sees fit anymore.”

“If we must…”

“We must, my husband.”

At last, Hyungwon agreed, and since their trip had been abrupt and light on supplies in the first place, it was easy to pack though it was much harder to leave. From their shared seat in their carriage, the couple looked back on the villa with wistful eyes. As sorry as Naran was to leave, at least she was leaving with more pieces of herself than which she arrived.

“Aw, I wanted to go to those hot springs one last time,” she lamented as they trundled down the mountainside.

Hyungwon sighed in agreement, but then he kissed the top of her head as it rested against his shoulder. “Our very pretty plans might have been delayed, but it’s nothing a shared bathtub and some very hot water can’t fix. I’ll see to it as soon as we’re home. After all, you did swear a promise to me, did you not, my darling?”

Hyungwon guided her hand to her lap and pressed her fingers against her sex. Naran’s breath hitched as she whispered, “I suppose I did.”

“Then this trip can’t go fast enough.”

Things were much different this ride, perhaps more so than any other the couple had shared. Despite how eager they were to live up to all their romantic promises, the lazy way the road passed underneath them suited the princess just as well. With all the sleep she’d lost out on these past few days of bliss, it was easy to fall asleep on her husband. More than once, she woke with his coat under her head in his lap and his hands on her hip, and other times, their roles reversed. In some ways, those were her favorite moments, where Hyungwon’s head rested in her lap and she could hold him as tenderly as she held him in her heart now. It was a languid sort of heaven, and as far as she was concerned, it could take as long as it wished.

It was late in the afternoon when they pulled over on the shoulder next to a scenic plateau overlooking the river. There, with the sinking sun daubing the water tangerine and apricot, they laid out a blanket and decorated it with a restorative spread of dishes.

“This is a lot of food,” said Hyungwon with a hum. “Hansol, please join us.”

Both the princess and the valet were stunned by the prince’s offer, but they hurried to oblige. As the couple cozied up on their cushions and their companion took a seat at the far end, they divvied up the food while Hansol poured tea. Conversation passed pleasantly between the three of them as though they were all old friends with no status at all. It was everything Naran had always dreamed of for herself.

With her eyes closed, she leaned against Hyungwon to relish the first bite of her mutton dumpling at long last.

“Let’s just stay here,” she said with her head on her husband’s shoulder.

“Mmpf” was all the prince answered, and when she looked up questioningly at him, she found his cheeks puffed to comical proportions as he chomped between gasps.

Naran narrowed her eyes even as she laughed at him. “Did you shove that whole thing in in one bite?”

“Mm-mmpf.”

“I take it they’re tastier than you expected?”

“Mm-hmpf.”

“I’m happy that you like them. These taste just like home. Thank you, Wonnie,” she said with a smile on her face. She put her head back on his shoulder as she finished off the other half of her dumpling.

Naran felt her husband shift, and when she glanced back up, she found him staring at her with his silly, slack-jawed smile.

“What?” she asked.

“You gave me a nickname.”

The princess bit her lip and heated up. “I guess I did… Is that okay? Do you like it?”

“Of course, I do. I love you.”

Slowly, Naran sat upright. She opened her mouth to speak, but whatever she thought to say got caught in her throat instead. She tried again, and this time she found but a single word.

“What?”

“What?” Hyungwon parroted back, amused.

“What did you just say?”

“I love you?” The prince raised an eyebrow. “Why are you looking at me with such surprise? I've said it a thousand times.”

“You've never said it,” she asserted.

His head cocked as he scanned his memories. “Oh? Hm. I guess I've just gotten so used to saying it in my head that I assumed I had said it out loud already.”

His honesty was effortless and beautiful and so very simple. Just like Hyungwon.

Naran was too stunned to do anything other than nod. She ate her dumplings, but the flavor had changed. All things considered, they tasted rather bland now. Instead, she savored the taste of her husband’s words over and over again.

I love you.

They were so rich, almost too delicious to be sampled. Even thinking about them made her feel a little tipsy, and more than once, her grip tightened around her husband’s arm as though he were the only thing that could keep her upright.

For a long while afterward, Naran didn’t speak. She ate and drank and watched the sun dip below the mountains as the water turned a shimmering indigo. Whenever Hyungwon would look at her, she would stare dopily back at him with moon eyes and an awestruck smile, which he never failed to kiss.

They packed things up and returned to the road to finish their ride in darkness, and this time, when they overnighted at inns along the way, the royal couple shared a room and always made the most of it, though they took extra pains to keep their voices down out of courtesy for their hosts. It was the one thing that Naran looked forward to about returning to the palace. It was torture keeping her voice down when he was inside her.

The rest of their week-long trip passed this way, with Hyungwon’s hand on his wife’s thigh or their lips on each other’s. From time to time, the princess felt a little foolish, for she simply could not keep her hands to herself any longer. When silence found them in between their mischief, all Naran could think about were those three little words like the kiss of raindrops on her skin. They clung to her like glitter, and when at last they pulled back up to the palace, it felt like everyone could see it, too, the way she sparkled with them now.

Magda was there to greet her lady when the carriage pulled into the palace, and the moment the door flung open, the worry lines on the attendant’s face melted into warm smile lines. The prince emerged from the carriage first to help his princess out, and as soon as Naran’s feet hit the ground, she scampered to her friend’s side.

“Welcome home, Your Highnesses,” said Magda with a deep bow. “It is so wonderful to have you back at Changdeokgung, and in such health and lively spirits.”

“It is very good to see you, Magda,” answered the prince with a robust smile for his biggest fan.

“I trust you had an easy trip?”

“Easiest of my life,” he said. “Have you seen the Empress around?”

“Why, yes. I dare say Her Majesty has hardly sat still these three weeks, and that is very out of character for a lady so composed.”

At this, Hyungwon paused. “Is she in good health?”

“Oh, yes, Your Highness,” Magda assured. “I apologize. I did not mean to worry you. She is very well, simply anxious for your safe return, as was I. It has been very quiet with no news from Chungju.”

The attendant bowed again and risked a glance at her lady, who managed a quick nod for her friend. Their understanding that all was well was instantaneous, and Magda released a long, quiet breath.

“Last I saw Her Majesty,” continued the older woman, “she was wandering the halls near the Throne Room. She’s been very much looking forward to your return, so I would not be surprised if she has not already spied you and is headed your way.”

Hyungwon looked to his wife and said, “Shall we go to the Empress then?”

Naran looked back at the prince with big eyes. “Wonnie, darling, do you mind if I catch up with Magda?”

“Not at all, my love. Enjoy yourself. I’m afraid I shall have to make my way to my father as well. No doubt I will be suffering a tirade from the Emperor for a good while, but afterwards, I think we are owed a hot bath, wouldn’t you say?”

The princess puckered her lips in a silent scolding which he confronted with a cheeky smile before he kissed her quickly and departed toward the emperor’s wing.

“Incorrigible,” Naran muttered as her lady-in-waiting did her best to pretend she’d understood none of the exchange.

Alone at last, the ladies linked arms and strolled through the courtyard with no destination in mind at all. Naran sighed happily.

“Oh, Magda, it is so good to see you again.”

“Your Highness, I have been waiting for you for what feels like an eternity. I cannot believe you did not write me! That I had to hear news of your arrival and departure from the villa from Hansol was very stressful. You know I worried constantly.”

“I’m sorry. If I am honest with you, for that first week, I could barely focus on anything other than my own despair.” At the princess’s frank words, her friend squeezed her lady’s arm, so, with a pair of very hot cheeks, Naran quickly added, “And, suddenly, it was as if I could not focus on anything other than the prince. Forgive me, but I seem to have thought of nothing but him these last weeks.”

Magda smiled so brightly that it shaved twenty years from her face, and for a moment, they were both young girls. “Well, then, all is forgiven.”

They shared a laugh, and as they strolled, Naran looked around the palace grounds. The leaves had come off the trees, though the yard had been swept pristine. She felt like she could see every detail in astonishing clarity like she never had before—every roaring lion sculpture, every soaring phoenix effigy, every polished wood carving. There were so many things she’d overlooked in her time here, it was embarrassing.

“Everything seems different here,” the princess mused with an incredulous chuckle.

“Well, in some ways, I suppose it is. We’ve been busy preparing the grounds for winter, for starters. The gardeners have been working round the clock to prune and lift spring bulbs. And, of course, Hayun was expelled from the palace the same day you left, so most servants have been more assiduous than ever."

Naran jolted forward, her heart sailing towards the heavens. “She was?”

“Oh yes, on the Prince’s orders evidently. With my own eyes, I swear to you I saw Her Majesty herself escort the girl out by the ear in front of half the palace.”

“Empress Indeok did!”

The princess could hardly believe it. In truth, since she’d reconciled with her husband, she hadn’t given any of the palace maids a second thought, but just the mention of Hayun’s name felt like a snake constricting Naran. With one fell swoop, Magda had just lopped it off at the head. Naran smiled from ear to ear.

The attendant nodded. “Hayun’s disgrace and banishment was the talk of Changdeokgung—Her Majesty made sure of it. Its effects were especially potent for a select few female members of the staff, I should say.”

Naran didn’t bother to hide her gloat. “How interesting…”

“Other than that, I suppose the only real point of popular discussion has been your sudden departures, of course.”

“Oh, of course. It was very sudden, especially for me. How did Emperor Gongmin fare?”

“Very bitterly,” Magda answered. “With the Champa royal family still visiting, things were very tense. I’m not sure what His Majesty had to do to smooth things over there, but he was very sore once they left a few days after you did. My friend, Yubin, works in the Emperor’s wing, and she said on more than one occasion, she had to clean up something broken.”

Naran gnawed on her bottom lip as she stared at the royal entrance where Hyungwon had just headed. “Do you think the prince will be all right?”

“He may have to answer for a few things, but he will be fine. Judging by your star-struck faces, I’ve no doubt he regrets nothing of his choice.”

“Oh, Magda,” said the princess as she rested her head on her friend’s shoulder, “neither do I.”

The pair entered her royal wing, but this time it was colored in a whole new light. Instead of formal and grave, it felt romantic and secluded. The bedrooms no longer felt far too close but rather too far apart, and the princess knew that one of them was about to be simply for show.

“I’ve never seen you so happy, My Lady.”

Naran sighed and collapsed sideways into a chair, her legs dangling over the arm and kicking idly while her finger twirled around a loose strand of hair. “That’s because I’ve never been so happy. I didn’t think I could be after how much everything hurt, and then all of a sudden, it was like breath came back into my lungs and color back into my world. Is that stupid? I sound stupid.”

Magda laughed. “Hardly. You sound like you’re in love.”

At this, the princess sat up. “I don’t know about all that…”

“Sure, my dear,” Magda laughed as she patted the princess's hand, and when she realized her impropriety, she sobered and corrected, “sorry, My Lady.”

“Oh, but, Magda, he did say those words to me.”

Again, excitement got the best of the attendant, and she squealed. “He did? Oh, such wonderful news. And I don't care that you outrank me, for I told you so, did I not? Yes, I did.”

“You're as incorrigible as Hyungwon is,” the princess muttered but with a grin. “Yes, you did tell me so.”

“Tell me everything! How did he react when you said it back?”

Naran cast her eyes to the corner as she answered, “I didn’t.”

“You didn’t confess, too?”

“I— No. I mean, I can’t say something I’m not sure of, can I? That wouldn’t be fair.”

“Oh, Your Grace,” said Magda in a tone that sounded all too sharply of Queen Jigme, and the princess felt the urge to defend herself the same as she would to her mother.

“I feel many complicated things toward the prince. How do I know it’s not just the… laying together,” Naran whispered with crimson cheeks, “that I like? Or the fact that he’s really the only man I know? Or that I’ve just grown used to our routine?”

“I can’t answer that for you, My Lady. All I can tell you is that a smile like yours doesn't come from routine.”

“Okay, maybe not routine. I’m just… confused.”

Magda pursed her lips. “Well, here comes your Prince back faster than we expected. I'm sure he'll be delighted to help you clear it up.”

Naran leapt out of her chair. “Wonnie! You’re back already?”

“The Emperor is busy, and I hardly care to wait. I can’t think straight anyway. Magda, my friend, you’re dismissed for now. Her Highness will call you when she’s free.”

“Hyungwon!” Naran yelped as he dragged her toward his bedroom. She had just enough time to toss a quick apology back at her companion before the door slammed shut behind her.

The prince collapsed on his bed straight away, pulling his wife on top of him, this time to her giggle. He kissed her hard, one of his enormous hands cupping the back of her head to deepen things while the other fell in league with her hip to grind her against his lap.

“Would you wait a minute,” Naran reprimanded gently between his troublemaking lip bites. “I have to talk with you about something.”

Hyungwon smirked. “Very well, but I’ll listen much better with my cock inside you.”

“Wicked prince! That may be so, but that shall make it very hard for me to talk at all, won’t it?” But even as the princess objected, she was gathering her skirts. Meanwhile, her husband parted his robes and pulled his manhood from his breeches. Naran sank on it at once, for her desire had flared the moment he’d hurried back to her. He hugged her to his chest with a contented sigh and kissed her forehead.

“So much better. Now, my love, what is it you have to talk to me about?”

It was much harder to form thoughts when she was full of her husband, but the princess tried her hardest. What had she been talking about only moments ago…

“The other day,” she started, her voice lost in the gathering haze of lust, “when you told me how you felt about me? I haven't stopped thinking about it.”

“That I love you?” Hyungwon asked with an amused grin.

At this, Naran remembered the thread she’d been unraveling. They had made a promise not to keep things from each other anymore, so she knew she couldn’t allow her insecurities to fester in secret any longer. “Yes, that. You know, I don't want you to feel that you have to say those things just because we’re married.”

The prince laughed, and his length stirred inside her. Naran let out a little gasp and burrowed deeper into the dip of her husband’s neck.

“My darling, I said it because I meant it, and I wanted you to know it beyond a doubt.”

“Hyungwon, do you have any idea how many royals go their entire lives without saying that to anyone? Do you have any idea how many people never say it?”

“What do I care about anyone else? Naran, there is only you.”

“It’s— The thing is, I don’t know anything about that stuff…”

“Love?”

Naran nodded, her eyes wide and her lips pressed together in a thin, taut line.

The prince brushed the hair back from his wife’s face so he could kiss her troubled brow before he said, “Should I not say these things to you because I really don’t see a way to keep them in any longer?”

“No, I— I liked hearing it... I'm just overwhelmed.”

Hyungwon laughed again and hugged her tighter to him. “I can tell. It’s okay if you can’t say it back yet, but I can’t go on keeping it in anymore either. I love you and I mean it.”

Naran huddled against his chest and pressed back firmer onto his shaft. Hyungwon’s invigorating scent wrapped her in an invisible second pair of arms as she fell deeper and deeper into him until she felt like she couldn’t ever climb her way back out.

Was that love or was it just desire or dependence even? How was she supposed to differentiate?

“I want to say it back,” she confessed, “but I need to be sure first.”

Hyungwon tilted her chin up so he could kiss her lightly on the lips and smile at her. There was nothing but peace reflected in his expression.

“So you don’t mind while I figure out my feelings?” Naran asked.

“I can wait. I already know how you feel now, but it’s okay if you need to be sure. I’m not going anywhere. Especially from here,” said Hyungwon with an impish grin before he thrust up into her snug heat.

Naran let out a tremendous moan, and just like that, they whiled away another afternoon straight from their bed into the promised tub where the princess, under her husband’s appreciative scrutiny and smoky-voiced encouragement, showcased exactly how she’d come to the realization that she wanted to be with her prince.

By the time the emperor was free enough to demand the appearance of his son before him, Hyungwon was in an unflappably good mood. Naran didn't imagine there was an accusation or a swear that the emperor could level at his son that would bother the prince in the slightest.

Freshly cleaned and feeling lighter than air, Naran floated out into the gardens. As Magda had said, most things had been shorn ahead of the winter, but even though things looked sparse and bare, the princess looked eagerly toward the next season. Winter in her homeland was a long, bleak affair, with bitter, unending winds and snow that felt more like knives. She wondered what it would be like here.

It was already chilly, but wrapped in a thick hanbok and still warmed by the heat the royal couple had generated in their bath, Naran barely noticed. The light was dimming rapidly by the time she reached the jade stream, but it was enough to make out the elegant figure of the empress sitting on her poet’s rock near the water’s edge. True to form, the woman had paper and a quill in hand as she hurried to record the last of her thoughts before the sun totally set.

“Pardon my interruption, You Majesty,” Naran said softly. She kept her eyes down as she approached the empress, so she could not gauge the older woman’s response. “I hope I am not importuning in your time of reflection?”

“Not at all. Please have a seat,” said Indeok as she set down her quill. Her tone was rather sterile, but when Naran ventured a glance up, she saw an unexpected gentleness in the woman’s face. In moments like these, the empress looked most like her son, round where others were sharp and accessible despite her paralyzing beauty.

“I did not have a chance to thank you for your incredible gift of poetry,” said the princess with more than a few wavers in her voice. “Your words have not left my mind since I read them. You somehow knew exactly what I didn’t know I needed to hear.”

For all the princess’s praise, Indeok simply hummed. Then, at last, her head tilted to the side as she studied her daughter-in-law painted in twilight, and she said, “It seems you came back to Changdeokgung rather different than when you left, Princess.”

Naran bowed deeply, her head practically kissing her knees. “Your Majesty, I doubt that could be so without your beautiful words.”

“Please rise, my daughter-in-law. I should like to look upon you.”

When the princess sat upright, her face was as red as an apple. Her eyes were shimmery, as much from nerves as emotion. It made the empress smile.

“My dear, you are in love,” Indeok murmured with unprecedented tenderness.

“But that is why I came out here! I am sorry for such an outburst, Your Majesty. Please excuse me, but how can I possibly know such a thing?”

“Why don’t you tell me how you’re feeling then? Sometimes we understand differently when we are made to put words to feeling.”

Naran’s brow scrunched as she considered. She was not a poet. She wasn’t even an artist. Her only real strengths were in riding and wandering, so it felt like an impossible ask. Yet somehow, right then, her answer came.

“I feel like I am standing still and moving all at once. Like I can leave whenever I want, but I don’t want to. My feet have stopped itching.”

It sounded so nonsensical to the princess’s ears, but it also encapsulated exactly how she felt.

The empress nodded and pressed, “And when you are away from him?”

“I don’t want to be.”

The answer was so automatic that it shocked Naran. She looked wide-eyed at the empress, who simply tilted her head to the side though it was clear enough what she was saying:

There you go.

“How did you know you were in love, Your Majesty?”

Indeok waved a hand dismissively. “I have never been in love, my dear. How do you think I can see such feelings in you so easily? You wear it like a shimmering cloak. It illuminates you. I have never shone so brightly as you do right now.”

“But His Majesty—”

“—is a duty I was made to fulfill. I’m not sure if he is capable of such emotion, but if he were, it would not be with his wife. When I am with the Emperor, I must be a different version of myself, and it is not a version I particularly like. Do you feel that way when you are beside your prince?”

“Never,” Naran admitted.

“I am relieved then. I would be very disappointed in Hyungwon otherwise, but you can never tell how other hands might have worked in secret. My greatest fear was that Hyungwon would favor his father’s views of the world, but the moment he fixed his heart on you in Sygnak, I trusted he could stay true to himself. Kingdom might come first to his father, but I am hardly such a patriot. My son is the only thing that matters to me, and you matter to him, so you matter to me, too, Narangerel.”

The princess gasped at the intimacy. With no clue what to do, she bowed again until the empress placed a hand under the young woman’s chin to raise her up.

“For such a headstrong woman, you can be quite shy,” Indeok laughed.

The sun had set behind the tree line, casting the world into long, thick shadows. The babble of the brook brought a sense of calm to the darkness, as did the empress’s soft voice.

“Mm, this is the happiest I have ever been in this palace… I’m just sorry the day is already over and I could not catch up with you both. Tomorrow though, I should like to see the two of you together at breakfast. I trust you’ll wake up that obstinate son of mine?”

Naran smiled. “I shall do my best.”

“I imagine he’s predisposed to do whatever you wish. Make sure you take full advantage of these halcyon days, my dear. Ah, how pretty,” the empress mused, “that you should experience the first bloom of love just as winter sets in. It brings such a liveliness to the slumbering world. I envy such brilliance.”

Ever the poet, her mother-in-law’s words knew just how to make color and emotion stir in the princess’s heart. Naran sighed. “Everyone around me is so sure of these things, and I know I should trust it, too, but something keeps pulling me back.”

“That is because love is not something you can think your way through, but,” said Indeok with a sturdy gaze, “I think you already know that. Rather, you may simply be afraid of it.”

“And if I am?” the princess said shakily.

“Then you need only give yourself time. Doubt will fade as your love grows. Is Hyungwon pressuring you?”

“He is not.”

“Then I suspect it won’t be long then. In the meantime, how about I call for some cider?”

There was a special glint to the empress’s eye that Naran had only stolen a glimpse of that night she and Saran had caught the empress with their mother, and the princess felt another fuzzy warmth overtaking her heart.

“I should very much like that, Your Majesty.”

“Wonderful. Then I have but one other question for you. Would you mind if, when we are alone, you call me Mother instead?”

“Are—are you sure?”

The empress smiled and stood to offer her hand. “Of course, daughter. Now, come. The hour is late and the air is cold, and I am in far too good a mood to do anything other than celebrate.”

Together, the two ladies returned to the warmth of the palace and cider and each other’s company and waited for Hyungwon to return. His smile when he caught his two favorite women drinking together was unparalleled, especially when he sat between them and had a drink himself. Before long, the empress retired to her wing, which allowed the newlyweds time to curl into each other under eyelids now heavy with alcohol.

“How did it go with your father?” Naran murmured as she relaxed in Hyungwon’s arms.

“Mostly yelling, plenty of cursing, too, which only grew more violent the longer I didn’t respond. But who cares?”

“A prince probably should.”

“Probably, but this one only cares that his wife was waiting for him.”

Naran turned in Hyungwon’s embrace so she could face him only to find him already smiling.

“I know this isn’t as simple as the country villa,” he said as he hugged her properly, “but this place finally feels like a home to me.”

“I was just thinking the same thing,” sighed the princess against his chest.

“I love you, my darling.”

And as she drifted off to the sound of her husband’s heart beating just for her, the last bits of Naran settled into their rightful place—beside Hyungwon.

A week had passed before the princess even had a chance to blink. In part, she supposed that was thanks to how many obligations the royal couple had to make up for since returning to the palace, but that was hardly the heart of it.

In truth, time had sped by because no matter how odious her assignments were, Naran could always look forward to reuniting with her prince. They hadn’t spent a night apart since, and she doubted they would ever again unless they were made to. Everything was easier to bear alongside Hyungwon. She could face anyone. She could handle every challenge. She could touch every joy the world could possibly offer.

Because she had him.

“Is everything all right, little star?” Hyungwon said as he joined his wife in her garden.

It was well into the heart of night. The skies were clear and the air was brittle, but in her robe, she was impervious to it.

Naran smiled. “I’m sorry. I did not mean to wake or worry you. All is well, my prince.”

“What are you doing out here?”

“Thinking.”

“In the cold?”

“Oh, this is nothing,” she replied with a smirk. “You haven’t felt cold until you’ve spent a winter on the steppe.”

Hyungwon nodded and pulled up alongside her, slipping his hand into hers. His skin was much colder than hers, and she squeezed him tightly to warm him up.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked.

“Right now? The first time we met under the stars. All the things I said and thought I meant. How little I knew about anything back then…”

The prince hummed gently. “And what were you thinking about before I got here?”

“How much I love you.”

It came out so naturally, it hardly felt like the first time she’d ever had the courage to say those words. Naran glanced to her husband in time to catch Hyungwon breaking into the most dazzling grin imaginable. He could have lit up the whole palace with it. His lips had parted, and he was so still, he might have frozen in shock. She squeezed his hand again, and it broke the spell enough that he could speak.

“You love me, too?” he repeated incredulously.

“I love you, too, Hyungwon, more than I realized I could love anyone. I think my heart has always wanted to love you; I just wouldn’t let it. I swear I’ll never make that mistake again. I love you now into forever.”

He cupped her cheeks then to guide her eyes from the stars to his. His thumbs stroked her tenderly, and after a moment, he tilted her mouth up to his to kiss her until her knees wobbled. Naran clutched at his forearms to steady herself, and the second he let her come up for air, he dipped his forehead down to hers.

It was hard to see him under her drooping lids, but she held his gaze as she wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled her cold nose against his puffy cheek.

“I love you,” she whispered again.

“I love you, too,” Hyungwon whispered back.

They exchanged giddy smiles and a few more kisses as their breath braided inextricably and floated up to their stars. With her lips still dancing happily against his, Naran bared one final secret to her husband.

“And I think I am with child.”

A/N: See you at the epilogue, my beloved reader friends. <3

[ruby-red-inky-blue]

Carrie watches: The Unsleeping City S2

there are so many spoilers and this is so long, proceed at your own risk

all the little Kugrash throwbacks are breaking my heart

but nothing more than Kug’s name coming up in conversation and Emily just silently rolling for Sofia’s relapse mechanic :(

Iga is honestly the coolest. obsessed with her whole deal. she is so practical and business minded and in touch with her roots and she has a sickly dragon familiar and she’s magical but kinda doesn’t give a fuck? incredible

“you don’t have time to date! you’re falling out of a tower!”

it infuriates me how Brennan is so detail oriented but then whenever it comes to Europe he gets the most hand-wave-y imaginable. sir. sir. you cannot describe a Polish landscape as Alpine. consult a single map. wtf.

what is a borscht bite my guy that is a soup. how do you serve a soup as finger food and also how does sheep’s cheese factor into any of it

honestly every campaign Murph just figures out a whole new flavour of “deeply pathetic guy” but i think he may have hit peak rock bottom with “he’s a mall goth without a mall”

i’ve never seen nerd culture parodied so viciously every time Cody speaks i cringe so hard i swear my toenails roll in on themselves

the Ricky/Cody duo trying to puzzle out a plot point at the mist wall in Iga’s castle is fascinating to watch because the characters are the objectively worst choice and the players are the objectively best choice. It’s like they probably could figure the whole thing out here but it would be out of character so they can’t it’s very funny

Sofia talking to Cody like an exasperated single mother with a misbehaved thirteen-year-old

Iga’s traditional fairy tales disappearing from the shelves is just devastating. Mr Mulligan I just want to talk

“Murph summoned New Jersey!”

nobody looks more mortified at the New Jersey incursion than the guy actually from there. honestly this is so relatable I’ve been nothing but mortified by my fellow state citizens for years

Lowell is just. such an absurd yet incredibly effective plot device. And frankly an incredibly solid communicator

“All I can think about is how I could have sold him Xanax”

done!Ricky is not something I expected to want but it is glorious

Lou rules-lawyering his way into remote-controlling a Tesla

“I just want you to know that I’ve rolled a trigger roll every time you do something with the weapon that my husband gave me -“ “Oh GOD-“ “Cody has no idea, how could he know?” “Yeah, do it, Murph, do the bit!” YIKES

Sofia casting silence on Ricky so he can scream a bit

so last season the mission statement was “New York, New York” and this one it’s “In A New York Minute” I want to be annoyed but I’m so impressed god damn it

Kingston trying and failing to convince Sofia he *wasn’t* constantly out on Staten Island when Jackson was running the show

Cody being super emotional finding out that Santa is real

also the sheer delight from the players when Wally’s return is announced <3

“Not only did you not get the Questing Blade but you have a magical sword that would be cooler than the Questing Blade if you didn’t feel like you deserved the Questing Blade.”

“The fact that you said this like it was something that - ‘these aren’t clowns, these are true clowns’”

La Gran Gata fully distracted by the Garfield float ❤️

as much as every line out of Cody’s mouth gives me a headache, giving Pete just the most cringefail of cis guy friends is somehow a stroke of genius

Pete pulling a real Riz move and getting out a fucking gun in the most whimsical of settings

Ally did not come to play this fight hot damn

Lou deciding to be largely useless because Kingston *would* just fucking hate running around a balloon float is some excellent commitment to the roleplay

“Don’t worry I’ve been cut in the chest before, I healed up, I have plenty of Arnica left at my house” Pete you’re my hero

“NOTHING BAD IS EVER GONNA HAPPEN TO US” Lou 😬 buddy 😬 Mr Wilson 😬 sir 😬 you are jinxing this HARD

Kingston ✨✨💫hacking✨💫✨

Emily’s deeply pained “nooo don’t make us go to New Jersey” is sending me

“Cypher Energy presents: The Gladiator Industries Recreational Rotating Horse Area” I’d like to teach my followers the incredible German saying “I can’t possibly eat the amount of food I want to throw up”*   *Max Liebermann, German Jewish artist (1847-1935), reportedly made this comment at the sight of the Nazi’s celebratory torchlight march through Berlin on the day the NSDAP seized power in parliament in 1933.

Sofia just hammering into Cody to fucking behave at the Kugrichs’ home is breaking my damn heart

I think in some way or other Murph has been responsible for at least seventy percent of Sofia’s relapse rolls so far

seeing Brennan’s love for that scene where Kug awkwardly hopped around the crime scene at his son’s home disguised as a ratty eagle fills me with such joy

“most of them have committed crazy tax fraud because they’ve been alive for so long so we just get the city to repossess their homes and then we bulldoze them in broad daylight and it’s a much easier way to hunt vampires” David takes after his father in the funniest way imaginable I adore him

Emily just fully walking into that nativity joke, good job everyone

Kingston’s aggressive thanksgiving invites

Murph is so committed to playing this 27-year-old goth who used to hold a management position like some brutally repressed sixteen-year-old

Ricky is just. such a good guy. like yeah obviously but honestly Zac’s ability to make characters that are so profoundly good just bowls me over all the time, what a guy

the whole bit about JJ’s loneliness speaks to me, Big City Loneliness is so real that poor kid (someone get me out of this city 🙃 help 🙃)

Pete bringing special drink options for Sofia to the thanksgiving party 😭

“turns out all of her rules were based on a hunch from a woman in the 800s”

there’s no way to describe how Brennan is doing both the most and least convincing drug pusher imaginable but I am concerned by 53\/3N

I’m living for JJ’s cheerful enthusiasm to steal back the Native art from the Met, and the fact that Ricky is completely down with it

Alejandro!

“Misiek dies... all the time. you probably just find him dead every three days or so. he is not well.”

Cody, Ricky and the katana is just. just oceans of pain. like I have subzero interest in Japanese culture personally and I still think white men with katanas are the worst flavour of all

I’m still trying to figure out if Cody was created to be funny specifically to Emily or to Brennan. I mean probably Emily but honestly I did not expect this to be the character that cracks Brennan’s composure most often

for a former English linguistics major I am really not that good with accents and I can feel my brain leaking out my ears trying to pinpoint what the hell Brennan is doing with this unicorn

ah yes, the spirits of New York, a juicy cockroach, a spicy pigeon and a regular unicorn

Brennan’s little tangent about love for objects not out of materialism but out of a love for history and permanent tangible traces of time??? my history nerd heart swelled five sizes yes you GET it

“I’ll admit, when I wanted to sort of honour Kugrash by taking up his mantle I did not assume I would also take on his aesthetic and that is something that I’ll have to think about but overall this is a net positive” oh Ricky

are they. are they playing some variation of “new york minute” over Brennan’s technobabble explanation or am I hearing things now. if so, massive kudos

the idea that you could change or destroy magic by making it evident to more people because it would be impacted by being observed!

“Can you ask Nod if it’s possible to bring somebody back?” “Dale?” “I was thinking Kugrash.” honestly Murph very deservedly won a wife guy poll but Emily is consistently 100 percent ride-or-die for his little creature pcs and all their questionable decisions and that shouldn’t be overlooked

genuinely choices were made with whose closeup they chose to cut to as a reaction sometimes

"I might be pregnant and if I am I have to tell him, it might be more complicated -” “I have three bricks of cocaine in my backpack right now!”

“let’s go to the bathroom and you flush the cocaine and I take a pregnancy test”

“Pete you’re on your knees in a bathroom stall flushing bricks of cocaine. you’re also in Nod so this toilet sprouts two eyes and goes yum yum yum, I’m always hungry!” this is why i cannot talk about this show outside of tumblr jesus christ

“toilet don’t make it look fun, whatever you do!” “nonononono, I’m not - I’m not having fun! this isn’t fun, I just - I just feel very productive does anyone want to write a screenplay?”

Cody having a brief moment of clarity about cultural appropriation and just hanging around a museum while everyone else tries to save the fucking world

dude is finally over the first bump of the Dunning-Kruger curve

I have such a deep desire to see Iga in her eighties get-up, Eastern Bloc eighties hits different

“does Pete know what an anglerfish is? ... what you thought was this entitity reaching out to Heather is really just a lantern.” HOW DOES HE KEEP DOING THIS wtf Brennan calm down

oh boy knowing this campaign was filmed in late 2020 makes so much sense with how much visceral loneliness and creeping despair there is in it (and also obvious DIY haircuts)

“MY LUNGS ARE MADE OF LIGHT! I’M NOT GONNA GET POPCORN LUNG IN HEAVEN!”

love how much the previous season matters to this one. all the big and some little choices come back and Kug isn’t just missed but his absence is actively creating problems in the world and the sacrifice mattered but also the sacrifice created a hole because that’s the point but it’s still mostly its own story

take notes, serialised media

Siobhan coming in clutch with the historian’s latin: targeted guessing

I’m so agitated that they may be getting the “what if anything remains” line wrong because I think it comes with a bunch of commas (”what, if anything, remains?”) and that’s my brand of nerd in a nutshell

also (and that is even more on brand) i have like .4% of Latin but that sentence does not look right

oh good after the anglerfish thing we’re dropping megalodon metaphors into the conversation! nng nothing gets me like deep sea horror

Sondheim’s back!

Cody finally putting some work in to learn about arms and armour only to come out of it butt naked with the worst sword in the world is so painfully on brand

“he doesn’t need the underwear, no. he might need to chafe a little to... learn.”

“I had a house once”

Murph slowly losing his mind in the upper right corner for the entirety of that Perry the Pigeon encounter

Kug’s deeply bizarre descriptors being mythologised will never get old. how is the pigeon spicy?? will we ever know

obviously Dr Lugash is an absolute hero

Sofia and her invincible embryo are cracking me up, big ups to Brennan for just preemptively going “we are absolutely not gonna do a miscarriage plot line thank you”

but also I just watched two friends roleplay a gynaecologist appointment for like twenty minutes. not a thing I ever thought I’d do for fun but sure

“we exit from the chest -” Ally, dejectedly: “...eggsit.” Murph, in an equally disappointed tone: “I thought the same thing.” “we’re not proud of it.”

Brennan fully imploding with the cuteness of his own story when Kingston holds the egg

“Iga resolved hundreds of years of tension between humans and dragons, it was really something!” “I almost talked to Cody... but then I didn’t.”

living for the meta jokes about the structure of the episode “hey Sophie, remember how we didn’t talk at all during that really long train ride?” “Pete takes off his beats headphones, like, oh, are we all talking again?”

the monastery! of little cockroaches! with toothpick sticks! praying to a rat that is the universe!! I may be crying over cockroaches here soon

“when I meditate very deeply, sometimes I can feel his whiskers, I can feel his presence... he ate the bagel of all things and he knows everything and even when he knew everything he still chose to love the universe” my HEART

“He really is Rat Jesus” Ally’s voice so perfectly caught between wonder and laughter, and like same, Brennan turned the one-off joke from the beginning of Kug’s intro into a?? profound truth?? somehow, I’m amazed

“rat jesus in the aspect of the chinchilla” I want to know all about this theology. Happy Easter btw

the sword stats are insane, and giving the unluckiest player known to man a weapon he has to roll a 15 or higher to even lift is probably the funniest and cruelest thing I’ve ever seen good job Brennan

first attempt to use it he rolls a nat one. poetic cinema.

Brennan’s rant about weapons that are sharp on more than one side is so good

“What sort of faith would you say is shielding you right now, Cody?”

“You stand on sacred ground, and will meet only death!” I know he rolled a nat 20 but Lou did not have to go that hard, damn

the idea of Iga’s kids doing Kug’s dumb dance on tiktok is the most precious thing in the world to me

the. the cockroaches have taken prisoners of war. and are treating them in accordance with the geneva conventions?? yet another thing you just can’t think about for too long

Brennan (who usually handles deities in stories incredibly deftly) outsourcing this huge exposition dump to Kug is a weird call narratively? it’s really hard to keep a scene emotionally rewarding while rattling off a list of very specific fetch quests, and also. you’re already asking Mr Grounded Irreverence to pull off an enlightened being and then you give him a wall of text to read out? I think with most cosmic beings shark movie rules apply. can’t show us the whole shark. Kug only works as hints and glimpses and vague impressions on the breeze now, much as it kills me

that said, Murph-as-Cody complimenting his own character design is pretty funny

ooooooh the little twist with someone settling Pete’s debt with 53\/3N, this is the good stuff

the ongoing bit about Sofia’s tablet that she can’t get to work, the Dream Team remains hilariously low tech New Yorkers only

don’t quite want to know what it says about me that for the entire time of Sofia’s conversation in front of the church I had my hackles up SO much. like I just Do Not Trust men to just be that nice for no reason (a very lovely take on it tho)

“….Jesus fucking Christ.”

“we’re not gonna put this dragon through college”

this whole conversation is such a gift

Brennan still getting shit for “you lay together”

Murph’s face when Ally goes “I hide Nod in my spleen, the heart’s too obvious”

Ally truly is the MVP this season, they are the heart and soul of this campaign

Ricky is the absolute worst time traveller. what a mess bless him.

MISTY! Well, Holly, but same difference!

the prophecy of the Irish woman is SO cool

ALEJANDRO!

Misty/Holly already flirting at Kingston is so funny, Siobhan you are so underrated

pretty sure Kingston just put a lit candle in his pocket

“young man, that’s a nice coat”

“Kug ran a great catch-neuter-release. They just loved him, just herds of cats....”

Rowan!

the only thing funnier than Murph’s shock and outrage at the Beck’s can opener was “your husband got you a Visa gift card for your birthday??” last season

the reactions to “I’ve told Tony we might be able to save Heather and I think that was a mistake” are the perfect reverse of the six of crows ‘how to steal a man’s wallet’ Lou (in character): “no I doubt it was!” Ally (in character): “no no, trust your intuition!” Murph (out of character): “literally... literally how could you not” Siobhan (in character): “do you want me to beat this guy up, he sounds bad. what are we doing.”

Siobhan’s characters don’t even tend to carry knives but are somehow always most likely to stab a bitch

Kingston just wandering around with a huge egg

“Sofia, you are a woman pulled over on the side of the road, punching the backseat of your own car” “this! is! not! my! low! if you can believe it!”

an excursion on Heaven’s return policies

“I need a fucking weapon”

the most poignant little meow from Brennan’s cat

the absolute shock in the whole group that Cody read Dante’s inferno

honestly getting Rowan to sub in was a stroke of absolute genius

“i have subtle spell you sad, sad man”

Cody and Lucifer aka Brennan and Murph having a cringe-off

Brennan was definitely gunning for this to be heartbreaking but Emily’s initial attempt to save Dale is all chaos, “this just looks like an insane breakup. a real Staten Island breakup.”

Ricky is excited to baby-proof the house, naturally

the bit about the drones’ AC is so funny and I can’t explain why

“what do you mean, racing a moped through a tunnel in a dark cave isn’t safe and good?”

the divine intervention roll! “I think Brennan just actually came” (Siobhan is 100 percent correct on that) “don’t touch me don’t touch me” (on a zoom call)

“say it in an excited way to trick Brennan into thinking - oh I actually got an eight!!”

half the party playing hot potato with Kug’s legacy for several minutes

the continued bit of people inviting Ricky to go jewellery shopping is glorious. “I don’t think he’s gonna get it on his own.”

does this mean nobody can eat at the amusement park?

jesus the fucking green screen clipping in and out every five seconds is so bad, why do i chose not to just go audio only

Iga has a storytelling night in Pete’s bookshop :(

Ricky’s “You Don’t Have To Be Good” afterschool sports club sounds like a thing I would have needed in school tbh

Em!!! how I’ve missed you

the commitment to Spaghetti’s Bakery my beloved

“so how is Flute Neuter Release going?”

[punkscowardschampions]

Tancy pt.2

Teddy: Was [the alcohol] your only offering?

Nancy: [take a minute here to respond because you know, hot tub, but you’ll still end up on your phone because you’re bored and you’re probably planning to take blackmail photos of people as is your MO]

Nancy: Wow, you ungrateful bitch!

Nancy: but no, as it happens

Teddy: What else did you bring me?

Nancy: I’m going to have to order you a doll now

Nancy: now I know

Teddy: I have one, she’s under my bed, naturally

Teddy: [send her a link to whatever sex doll you may or may not be joking you have]

Nancy: well I fear she may be liberated before the night is through

Nancy: 💔

Teddy: The end of an era

Nancy: You’ll make me cry, this [whatever drug it is you’re claiming, you may be chatting shit] is extra weepy

Teddy: I don’t recommend [whatever he’s waiting to kick in] as a suitable alternative, it’ll be my next birthday by the time I feel anything

Nancy: You still have [the drugs he asked for]

Teddy: True, but I don’t have you

Nancy: You’ll come up, darling

Teddy: The roof is as high as it gets, unfortunately

Nancy: No stars in London

Teddy: I’ll spend the summer in [somewhere I won’t commit myself to, but where he could see stars obvs]

Nancy: Where are you really going?

Teddy: My father’s non home offices, if he gets his way

Nancy: ALL summer? Has he lost his mind too?

Teddy: Practically, I’m sure I could beg for a measly week joining the family in [wherever they have a holiday home] but as you know, I don’t do that

Nancy: Hm, how ghastly

Nancy: I’ll be [wherever the fam is going] unless I get a better offer before then

Teddy: [recommend some y’all fun things for her to do if she ends up in said place, whether that’s word of mouth goss from people or you’ve been]

Nancy: You’re such a sweetie

Teddy: It’s nothing if not on theme 🧁🍰🎂

Nancy: Are you happy with how the party turned out?

Teddy: [send her the dad blackmail nudes as a yes so you don’t have to give a real answer]

Nancy: That makes me feel terrible about myself, ugh

Teddy: Don’t be absurd 

Nancy: How did your sister do it, did she have an ED?

Teddy: I assume so, she’s the most type A person I’ve ever met

Nancy: Diet coke and vodka only for me from now on

Nancy: no [whatever drink you got him and he compared you to]

Teddy: You don’t want any more cake? How sad, we’re yet to do candles

Nancy: It’s very sad being a girl

Teddy: Chlo accused me of being one, it was rather amusing

Teddy: [send her that bit of convo]

Nancy: Ha

Nancy: so devastated I can’t confirm it myself

Teddy: Imagine her as a mother to a son, my poor children are going to require such intensive therapy

Nancy: You’ll meanwhile be thrilled to have someone more fucked up than you 

Teddy: Excuse you, I’m the well-adjusted child, no rehab or incest fantasies to my name

Nancy: Not yet and lies

Teddy: Your jealousy will turn you uglier than cake, darling

Nancy: You can be a delusional twink for a few more years, live it up

Teddy: How generous, thank you, Nance

Teddy: your blessing, of course, means the world to me

Nancy: Shut up, you’re an idiot

Teddy: Your blood sugar is low, you’re talking nonsense

Nancy: There’s nothing adjusted about you

Teddy: Put your corset back on, I prefer you deprived of oxygen

Nancy: You prefer [this gay boy] on his knees, everyone knows, sweetie

Teddy: Oh now I understand, you’re sulking

Nancy: soaking, thank you

Teddy: No need to thank me, though yes, you were

Nancy: [send a picture of this hot tub which is probably a health hazard full of bodies at this point like no silly]

Teddy: You’re very red, you may want to get out

Nancy: Don’t neg me

Teddy: You are, I’m merely pointing out what everyone else can see

Nancy: If Chlo wants a solid cover, she can say you invited her over for a dip

Nancy: is that true, do you think?

Teddy: I don’t tend to consider what she wants

Nancy: You’re selfish, I know

Teddy: Too many eyes on you are making you paranoid

Nancy: No, I love it

Teddy: I’ll leave you to your adoring public then

Nancy: says you, Mr let the street see

Teddy: You’re welcome, by the way

Nancy: Don’t act like that had anything to do with me

Teddy: The act had everything to do with you

Nancy: He has a dick

Teddy: Which was irrelevant, he didn’t put it anywhere

Nancy: That’s still awful and insulting of you to say

Teddy: It isn’t Chlo who desires a solid cover, I gave you one

Nancy: I’m perfectly capable of creating my own and did but sure

Nancy: Thanks a lot, Teddy

Teddy: In which case, you’ve got 0 business being upset with me

Nancy: Your ego said I was upset, so you started calling me ugly

Teddy: I would never call you ugly

Nancy: I don’t care who you fuck, Chlo, [this boy], anyone

Teddy: Okay, good, that spares us an awkward & tedious conversation

Teddy: the likes of which I already had with my bride before she fled

Nancy: That’s entirely her fault for thinking you’re good enough to be a boyfriend

Teddy: For the record, I could care less who you fuck either, unless you persist on your fool’s errand to turn my brother into your next boyfriend

Nancy: Good, even that is none of your concern

Teddy: I have 0 cause for concern, he doesn’t want you

Nancy: Not right now

Teddy: Not ever, apparently

Nancy: I imagine he’ll feel a little different when my parents are looking to press charges and your family implodes from your little scheme

Teddy: About Ava perhaps, he doesn’t feel anything for you beyond his sobriety crusade

Nancy: Ava will be far away finishing her A-levels in some girl’s boarding school for her own safety

Teddy: She’ll be finishing them at the school he knows well, your parents couldn’t get your brother off your cousin, I highly doubt they’ll step up to save her

Nancy: She’s the favourite, as well as the actually well-adjusted child, don’t underestimate how preferential her treatment is

Teddy: The point is, your parents won’t even view what she’s doing as a fall from grace, J isn’t a blood relation, she’s doing fantastic for herself

Nancy: How little you know

Teddy: How little I care for your family squabbles

Nancy: How little I care what you think, I’ll continue to do what I like

Teddy: As you should

Nancy: So we’re done here then

Teddy: If you like

Nancy: Why would I want to stay

Teddy: Countless reasons, a hot tub full, it would appear

Nancy: I have to get out, I’m so red and disgusting

Teddy: I said red

Nancy: and I know what you meant

Teddy: Where’s the fun in passing out without me? None of them will take care of you

Nancy: You slapped me

Teddy: I remember

Nancy: [a person, god knows who] had to be pulled out ages ago

Teddy: I’ll come down there and pull you out in a moment if I have to

Nancy: Don’t you dare touch me

Teddy: Everyone will talk & you’ll be REALLY upset

Nancy: [a dramatic and wobbly POV of you getting out of this hot tub like THERE]

Teddy: Good girl

Nancy: You expect me to just melt, don’t you

Teddy: Not now you’re out of the hot tub

Nancy: Not the dad jokes

Teddy: Ha ha

Nancy: it’s a good thing you’re pretty

Teddy: [ignoring her, posting that he’s finally gone to the present table and is bothering to open these, doing it like this to shame anyone who didn’t serve & even worse the people who didn’t bring anything at all because everyone can see what he got]

Nancy: [very French king of you, at least we can watch this and be nosey, as is our love, just reacting according with the emojis when we approve or disapprove]

Teddy: The existence of yours was a lie, they aren’t here

Nancy: Only the bottle, which I told you, was gonna be long gone

Nancy: like I’m going to be caught giving you anything more

Teddy: You told me you did

Nancy: Are you asking for your other presents now?

Teddy: Are they real or imaginary? 

Nancy: Why would I lie, that would be so strange

Teddy: Why would you hide them from me? 

Nancy: To keep them safe, silly boy

Teddy: Where?

Nancy: My bag

Teddy: & which one is yours?

Nancy: I have it

Nancy: you’ll have to decide to start being nice again if you want it

Teddy: [not you just looking everywhere for her instead and when you find her, wherever she may be, holding your hands out like an expectant child]

Nancy: [pulling a face at him like ew, stop that and holding your bag to you tight like he is a mugger]

Teddy: [never have the words ‘hand it over’ been SO charged with tension, excuse him everybody]

Nancy: [this is giving roleplay right now lmao, like okay performance, also there’s no privacy in the basement where you probably still were it’s just one room with a bathroom or the sauna and you can’t be pulling him into either without looking a type of way, so pushing to make room on this sofa next to you so you’re at least not causing a complete scene on this day ‘sit down’ with the same drama]

Teddy: [‘no’ as petulantly as she was being earlier, because we genuinely don’t want to be in the basement, the scene of her crimes lol, we just want our gifts ‘just give them to me’]

Nancy: [getting up so offended like how dare you reject my offer and also be so rude about this ‘why the fuck should I?’ with a laugh of disbelief]

Teddy: [‘Because you don’t want me to hurt you, you’re SUCH a baby about it’ not you referring to earlier in front of people, oooh]

Nancy: [at least you can, however predictably, return the favour and slap him before using the basement’s front door and getting out onto the street like a drunken cliche]

Teddy: [laugh because you love it and she raided the jewellery so she’s probably still ringed up too thanks to your mother’s stash and you can have a matching cut which you touch before following her like an even bigger cliche, literally pull her back like stop, because there’s nobody from this party on the street when they’re allowed to smoke and do whatever else they want inside, and you can, not that you’d care in this moment if there were]

Nancy: [not you running off with god knows how much worth of his mother’s things lol, I don’t even know what you’ll be wearing at this point because you wouldn’t have had anything but your underwear on in the sauna then hot tub but presumably you’ve found something to put on since then to be breaking out onto this street in but who can say, the way you’d be gagged if you saw him not follow his girlfriend earlier haha but I suppose y’all can pretend it’s about the jewellery and stick to that, TURNING back with your hand raised like you’re going to go for a second round but you’re distracted by the fact he’s got a cut too, taking a step towards him]

Teddy: [either she’s in white lingerie which is potentially wet and thus see through or she’s in that and his mother’s stolen fur coat so add that to the millions she’s running away with lol, either way, both iconic, GRABBING her wrist like you would if you were stopping her from slapping you a 2nd time even though she has not, squeezing it hard enough to hurt as you pull her closer towards you]

Nancy: [it’s giving escort truly, not that you’re giving it another thought, or a thought to begin with, here opening your mouth but stopping yourself from making a noise, jutting your chin out and closing what’s left of the gap between y’all ‘I am NOT a baby’ because so offended you would say that in front of people, scratching your nails on the cheek that’s already red and scratched from the rings, just to prove a point]

Teddy: [‘yes you are’ because we ALL remember when he said she’s not my baby, you are, and he’s saying it again now, no fucks given, pushing her into the nearest wall with his body like a cliche, we can pretend it’s because there’s a less obvious view if anyone from this party is peeping but he hasn’t given an actual thought to that he just wanted to do it] 

Nancy: [letting out a pant when your body makes contact with the bricks, pushing back into his body with intention, doing a little groan, blinking up at him, pausing for half a second, ‘fine, you can have your gifts’ reaching to open your bag and find them out]

Teddy: [not you taking this bag and dropping it your feet in the BIGGEST in a minute gesture of all time because you don’t even want those gifts rn, we ALL know what he actually wants, not at all caring if the entire contents of said bag falls all over the street, only caring that he’s pushing her into the wall even harder and is again licking her face where her cut is but so much more dramatically than he did earlier, highkey mouthing at it and basically biting her face like he did when they were doing their OG feral antics ‘let me have you’]

Nancy: [not even looking down even though it’s your bag and your things, can only launch yourself at him face first, copying what he’s doing on you as perfectly as you can when you’re not thinking at all and just being guided by what you want, pulling him into you repeatedly, crashing his hips against yours to punctuate the ‘I can’t stop thinking about you’ sounding equal parts angry and like you never want to stop]

Teddy: [me like I hope she does also have that fur coat on because he is RIPPING that lingerie in a way that she simply could not then walk away and not get arrested for indecent exposure, tearing the entire crotch out and then at his clothes to be fucking her against this wall as ferally as anyone has ever ‘you’re going to love me’ likewise punctuated by these antics and sounding as insistent]

Nancy: [we’ll be kind and say you do because it’s also a mood so have it lads, likewise a mood he’s ruined your lingerie and you’re making that clear with how willingly you’re exposing yourself, not really knowing if the fur coat/his body means that he’s definitely the only one who can see because right now you do not care at all, doing the most to make sure he’s fucking you as deeply as is physically possible for both your sake’s, moaning his name with the same kind of exposed energy]

Teddy: [me like I’m glad for her ridiculous wig because it will cushion her head from these bricks when he is literally slamming her against them with how hard he’s going at this rn, at least until this boy PULLS it off with how he’s kissing her and we’re likewise letting that disappear with no thought at all as if it wasn’t a very expensive rental, IMMEDIATELY all up in her real hair because he’s missed it so much]

Nancy: [my boo says until it ain’t, unlucky bitch, lord knows you didn’t stop him choking you out, you aren’t gonna stop from risk of concussion here and now, being so frenzied about all of this, including asking ‘how does my pussy feel this time?’ because REMEMBERING the first hookup when]

Teddy: [every time he tries to give her an actual answer just MOANING because that good, is he embarrassed about the fact he cannot speak, no, is he even redder than her in that hot tub rn from how feral this all is, yes]

Nancy: [kissing him like you intend to deprive him of all oxygen and only leave room for your tongue in his mouth, holding his red face in your hands and SQUEEZING his cheeks tighter and tighter ‘you’ve made it yours’ as something you’re breathing into him, forehead pushing against his so your head is being rattled off this wall yet again when he invariably pushes you back]

Teddy: [LOVES to see his blood running down her hand from the way she’s squeezed his cheeks and made that tiny cut worse, can only let that be known by the insane EYE CONTACT he’s giving as his gaze goes from her hand to her eyes, panting ‘you give the best gifts’ because this is the real one rn regardless of whatever she has also got for his bday]

Nancy: [making a handprint right across your heart that is making your whole chest bang visibly, immediately attempting to get enough blood to do the same to him because you gotta ‘only the best for my boy’ casual words but there is nothing casual about how they’re being said in the slightest, planting your hand firmly on his chest to the point you’re pushing him a little too far away and you have to whimper like no]

Teddy: [catch him coming back SO dramatically that it was as if that push lasted a thousand years and sent him half way across the street, thrusting into her so hard that they can both hear her head hit the wall and it’s such a sickening kind of knock that he should be worried and not into it but we know it’s the latter, cradling her head then and kissing it so dramatically, literally combing through her hair with his fingers to see if she’s bleeding but has he stopped any of these feral antics, no]

Nancy: [when it’s hard to tell if you’re moaning or crying because the answer is both, at the same time and at an indecently loud level on both counts, shaking with the shock of how it felt and clutching at him ‘make it feel better’ repeated over and over with sincerity and undeniable !!]

Teddy: [doing the absolute MOST to make her forget all about it because at the point he couldn’t even stop if he wanted to, which he does not, could not be holding her tighter to stop her from shaking, wrapping this fur coat around her as much as he possibly can without it interfering with the absolutely unhinged rhythm they are in, continuing to kiss her head and face absolutely everywhere indiscriminately and absolutely indecently]

Nancy: [‘you’ll be such a good daddy to your babies’ snuggling your face into the softness of this coat and looking up at him as if there’s anything coy about this entire display]

Teddy: [‘hers aren’t mine’ just letting her know that she’s his only baby, soz not soz Chlo, imagine if this scheme actually went ahead, things would be wild in these streets]

Nancy: [thank the lord she runs and finds her mans because the drama no one but y’all needs truly, ‘I am’ smiling at him so pleased with ourself and with you in this moment]

Teddy: [doing the kind of unhinged close proximity nod that means his entire face is rubbing against hers because the heart eyes are FULL force and we need to break them up slightly]

Nancy: [just nuzzling each other like cats, nbd ‘I need cum’ like I need to cum and I need you to cum because feels ridiculous that you have not at this point]

Teddy: [‘you need to’ ordering her to like he’s such a gentleman he couldn’t possibly go first, he wouldn’t dream of it, when we all know he doesn’t usually give a shit about these things]

Nancy: [‘touch me like you do’ throwing out your own demand because you can and you know that’s about all it will take]

Teddy: [ofc he is ‘cum for me, please’ throwing a please out exactly like she did earlier when they both refused to before, we love to see it, no plea just as if he’s being polite with his demand in contrast to his utterly feral actions]

Nancy: [when you’ve slammed yourself onto him as roughly as you can, holding him still by his hips and not letting him pull out an inch whilst you spasm around him, maintaining eye contact until you physically cannot to kill you even more because you can’t handle it]

Teddy: [he won’t be able to handle it either so he’ll be following right after her and basically collapsing against this wall which will crush her to it with his dead weight for a second because DEAD, it’s only when he literally kicks her bag as he’s getting himself up that he even remembers these presents he so wanted even exist, looking but he cannot bend down to pick them up yet cos SO out of breath, I hope she didn’t get him anything fragile]

Nancy: [use the wall to keep you upright kids, it’s a must with how gone you both are, looking too and doing a small smirk ‘I promised you could have them now’ like don’t worry, I won’t take them away before you can, then looking down at yourself to assess the actual indecent mess you are out on the street like this, doing a sharp intake of breath like well damn]

Teddy: [instead first finding her cigarettes and lighter and going through that whole rigmarole of lighting up, like a cliche and his own version of well damn, when you’re literally shaking because of how dramatically you just came, this cigarette literally bobbing about between his lips as he takes the first drag of it before passing it to her, only then finally finding and opening these presents (so you’ll have to tell me what they are hehe), the absolute carnage of unwrapping them because he’s still shaky and also always chaotic so he’d be tearing into them anyway as hardcore as that lingerie lbr]

Nancy: [my boo demands to know her damn self lmao, okay, so obviously you are limited to bag size because are we trying to carry around a damn sack this whole party, nay nay, so we know the drugs are in there that you wanted, then I’m thinking a spenny bracelet because he clearly does not have as many/any because my boo doesn’t mention then and it’s giving possessive it’s giving handcuffs etc like it could look like literal handcuffs idk and that’s the main thing you’ve actually put thought into and then as for the other you’re being peak unhinged and giving him your underwear from the first time you messed around but did not hook up which is a whole month ago at this point, you being self-assured he’s gonna remember for me]

Teddy: [we been knew that I’ve been nosy every day of my life and you haven’t disappointed me boo, ask me why this boy never wears bracelets, I couldn’t tell you, the only time I remember him doing it is when he did an ad, so I LOVE this gift and the intimacy of you making her put it on you, it’s giving when he put his arms out and demanded this gifts in the first place except not at all, oh girls of course he remembers, grinning at her and then looking down at her like ‘I’ll be nice and let you borrow them, if you’re coming back inside’ because she’s so close to the baze gaff she could walk home easily instead but we’re making it clear we don’t want her to leave until the bitter end of this party, stealing the cig back and taking another drag because these gifts are really something and he doesn’t know what to say]

Nancy: [you aren’t good at things like this either and would’ve been debating the inclusion of the bracelet the entire time, hence it was not put on the table, your other valid reasons aside, so we’re fine with just focusing on what’s easy to in this moment ie the state of you and how we ended up here, rolling our eyes affectionately like oh please ‘you mean you want me to’ because chance to add more memories to the garment/gift, sliding out of the ones you are barely wearing because they are fucked and holding out your hand like okay]

Teddy: [you’ll see him wearing this bracelet every day now for the rest of his life so it’s FINE you’ll know he likes it, but in the here and now ‘I’m torn, actually, much like these’ as he reaches to touch them/pick them up from the cold hard ground instead of handing the new ones over because adding to the mems is tempting but so is knowing she’s even more naked at this function and why, getting distracted when his wrist catches the light whether that’s street, moon or security, and LOOKING at this bracelet with heart eyes, THINKING about the gesture of her giving him this because he gave her his mum’s necklace so they’ve exchanged jewellery now that’s so romantic] 

Nancy: [it's very romantic and neither of you is acknowledging it verbally but we all know it, trying not to THINK about it too much for all the reasons but you can’t stop yourself from it when he’s stood in front of you being so blatant and about it, distracting yourself however futilely by shakily doing up this coat if it has fastenings/holding it around yourself properly so you don’t flash everyone immediately because you’re game obviously ‘I’ll go first’ because hardly safe for you to stay out here in this state/at any time in comparison to him, lingering though and not just walking to and in the front door]

Teddy: [pulling her back, even though she hasn’t left yet, much like how he did when they first got out here but gentler, pulling her into him and fully picking her up as if he’s gonna carry her inside, no fucks given in that moment to her flashing anyone ‘don’t leave yet’ because he simply doesn’t want her to]

Nancy: [letting yourself be pulled back, into him and picked up without any hesitation because you don’t want to leave him either, cuddling around his neck and kissing his face better ‘yours needs cleaning too, remember’ like it’s very important but you just want your TCP revenge]

Teddy: [making a face like he’s HORRIFIED at the prospect lol because shan’t be brave either thank you ‘it’ll hurt’ hiding against her and this giant coat like no no but then remembering her head and lifting his back up ‘oh, speaking of, how many fingers am I holding up’ obvs doing however many he touched her with when she asked him to]

Nancy: [laughing ‘I couldn’t do that before’ because whether we’re talking about being intoxicated or dyslexic both are true and we can’t be bothered to care about this potentially dangerous injury, the kind of life we’re living ‘though the fact you’re trying to murder me hasn’t gone unnoticed’ licking these fingers playfully as you make EYE CONTACT like I’m watching you]

Teddy: [doing his own laugh at both these things because she does amuse him, kissing the top of her head like she’s a little girl like oh you, maintaining this EYE CONTACT as he finds the drugs she gave him and gives her her share, I think they were pills (?), so do it with a kiss ‘there, there, take your medicine’ like that’ll make her feel better instead of potentially worse if she did have a head injury]

Nancy: [yep they are pills so get to popping and pull him back in for a makeout because there’s always time before they kick in and you just have to ‘could go visit Chlo’ like lol imagine]

Teddy: [‘you, me or us as a we, together’ because all of those possibilities are hilarious tbh, each word in between a kiss just because he can and will ‘when will you talk to her?’ as a more genuine question though which isn’t punctuated by smooches, love that he hasn’t put her down and is still very much holding her]

Nancy: [‘you said I wanted to see her’ pushing his shoulder away so you’re LOOKING at each other because thanks for that one but also he did so it’s a valid excuse, shrugging a shoulder ‘I could go right now, cry about it all with her’]

Teddy: [‘Because I wanted to get her here’ as if Chlo is so obsessed with Nancy that it’s all it would take cos lowkey where’s the lie you wanna be her so bad sis ‘and you’ll have come up by the time you get there’ like you won’t be in the mood to cry y’all will be buzzing when this hits but he’s holding her tighter like excuse you stop trying to leave me]

Nancy: [when you’d already forgotten about taking that and you’re like whoops ‘okay, okay, not right now’ snuggling your head into the side of his neck like I’m not leaving ‘I just want to help you’]

Teddy: [stroking her hair v softly, we can pretend it was tickling him and he’s just moving it but no ‘I’ll need ALL your help to breed with her’ when you keep saying it because so true ‘who did you fuck?’ because even if he’s heard he wants to hear it from her, said so casually and conversationally with no accusation or jealousy or anything, you wouldn’t even know they’d argued about it]

Nancy: [at least we’re receptive to it now we’re not mad at you ‘she won’t mind that I’m there’ said so confidently, which, in theory, if she’s fucking him to get pregnant, she can hardly tell the world you are lol so go off lads ‘maybe we can go together’ actually considering this even though you should not, until he asks his question and you’re hopping down because even if he’s asking nicely you’re still like ugh ‘why?’]

Teddy: [‘she would, however, try and talk you into a pregnancy pact’ we see you putting the idea out there and into this girl’s head of her also being pregnant with your child while shading Chlo, picking her back up again purely to be petty because you only want to put her down when you want to, giving her a lil shake but playfully ‘I’m curious’ again very Alice and very catlike, we love to see it]

Nancy: [my boo says I see you, boy, don’t think I don’t lol, still at this point in time we will merely laugh like oh God imagine because no desire to be a mother and stop doing what we want when we want all the time, blowing out a sigh when he picks you up but it’s half-affectionate, messing up his hair like oh you ‘you want to know if you’ve slept with them too, I know’ because he is that boy and has been so we aren’t surprised nor offended, hence name these two guys you got in the middle of, lack of a better term]

Teddy: [‘& predictably I have’ because why not say he did, he lowkey has slutted around everyone at this party ‘how was it for you?’ giving nothing away about how it was for him, only fishing because jemily know that their hook ups were unfulfilling so obvs he can’t help thinking about how his was, especially now that he has that insane hookup of tancy’s to compare it with] 

Nancy: [doing a fake yawn because yes, so predictable, then raising your brows like oops, that wasn’t my review but shrugging because yeah, actually, stand by it ‘enough to keep me busy but nothing to go back for’]

Teddy: [a nod because same ‘it’s a good thing he’s pretty’ not you deliberately using the exact same words she did @ you for the boy you hooked up with like yeah he’s beautiful but otherwise giving nothing]

Nancy: [‘that’s always described the guest list’ because nothing changes and you end up finding everyone disappointing and boring in the end, patting his shoulder sympathetically ‘I’m dating someone’s dad next’]

Teddy: [‘truly’ because he couldn’t agree more, he’s only just today turned 16 and he’s already so bored by everyone ‘I’m dating Seb, I promised Gia’ because you said you were gonna snatch him]

Nancy: [looking at him like that’s a new one ‘kinda mean to save her from her loveless marriage but trap your brother in his’ like pick a lane lol]

Teddy: [getting your phone out and giving her that convo to read just for fun, with no thought or fucks given to if he said anything that he might not want Nancy to read]

Nancy: [I just skimmed and it’s mostly family drama/Teddy being a very unbelievable victim lol, the only bit that isn’t going to be like well let’s not discuss that is him saying his girlfriend would marry him, hence showing him that bit like oh, is THAT the plan now lmao]

Teddy: [it’s him genuinely and without being a bitch, being like ‘oh sorry, should I read it to you?’ as she’s reading because dyslexic and he doesn’t know if she can, for me, but when she gets to that bit and shows him, shrugging ‘I said she would & she would, if I asked’ because genuinely believes he could make this girl do anything and tbh where’s the lie so far]

Nancy: [‘how do you think we message? I’m not illiterate, arsehole’ because however much of a dick he’s not being it still pisses us off, scoffing ‘why’d you think your sister would care?’ like that’s the bit we’re questioning here]

Teddy: [‘perhaps you require different phone settings on yours or something, I don’t know, do I?’ because valid ‘she was calling me unweddable, I refuted it, that’s all’] 

Nancy: [get down again because bad vibes ‘you’re bringing me down when we’re meant to be going up, come on’ like we need to go find music because these drugs will be wasted if we start arguing instead]

Teddy: [let her this time even if you’re making an OTT noise like ugh FINE because offended she’s claiming you’re bringing bad vibes when you were trying to be supportive about her horrific disability for once ‘you go first’ an echo of what she said]

Nancy: [when reading all that has made you feel a type of way and you shouldn’t have but you’re nosey and we related, you simply had to, turning and not looking back as you wave behind you ‘safe travels’]

Teddy: [scoff at her and call ‘what’s that, irish folklore?’ at her as she walks away because any excuse to drag her poor roots always]

Nancy: It means find someone else to dance with, okay

Teddy: I wasn’t going to ask you, you don’t wish to be seen with me unless you’re slapping my face

Nancy: I’ve danced with you before

Teddy: & on that occasion your boyfriend hit me

Nancy: because you asked him to

Teddy: It wasn’t my fault

Nancy: Fine, blame me, just forget it

Teddy: I’ll do my best to forget your rejection

Nancy: Teddy, don’t

Teddy: Always a pleasure, Nancy

Nancy: You just sounded like such a child and it reminded me that you are

Nancy: I’m not rejecting you I’m just backing off

Teddy: They’re both the same thing

Nancy: I mean you haven’t done anything to be rejected

Teddy: The end result doesn’t change, darling, let’s not kid ourselves

Teddy: oops, that word must be triggering for you

Nancy: I hope you can make the best of your high

Teddy: How grown up of you, thanks

Nancy: I’m serious, a bad time on this shit is hellish and I feel it starting

Teddy: Well, if I need a babysitter I won’t ask you either

Nancy: I’m sorry, don’t come in [whatever bathroom you are hiding in because you feel like shit]

Teddy: Of course now I���m going to

Teddy: [come and find her because even though she upset you, you really do care, pick her up off this bathroom floor or whatever and cradle her like she’s a child]

Nancy: [me like thank god you were evidently blocking the door so there aren’t other people in here because you are just opening the floodgates like you’ve been given truth serum in a totally unfiltered way, telling him why you’re a bad person for all of this but also all the other reasons you’re a bad person, just an absolute laundry list]

Teddy: [love that you would’ve had to bust in this door dramatically because she was blocking it, don’t hurt her again please, just shhing her and stroking her back and hair and everywhere else you think might be comforting like she’s a baby or a pet, doing little kisses and calling her darling over and over in the softest voice you have ever used as you tell her it’s okay and literally everything you like about her in the same kind of word vomit that you aren’t even thinking about filtering you just want her to feel better]

Nancy: [and thank god you’re both on it and these things never last long, so when it’s all over you can just pretend it never happened lol lol lol, moving onto telling him why you’re sorry in what would be in other circumstances hilarious detail, like I’m sorry for when I and listing every unhinged thing y’all have done thus far like girl, shh]

Teddy: [‘baby, you just hit your head’ like that’s the only reason this is occurring and none of it is either of their faults because that’s the narrative we’re going with and nobody can stop us]

Nancy: [‘punishment’ so seriously, biting your lip a little too hard how people be on the drugs, as if God himself smacked your head into that wall for fucking this boy]

Teddy: [‘you’re a good girl’ as seriously like no I will accept no alternatives at this time, SO gently pulling her lip from out of her teeth with his own and kissing it better like his life depends on it]

Nancy: [kissing him back softly like you’re unsure but you’re doing a happy sigh, vibrating it against his lips and giggling about the sensation ‘it feels so-’ shaking your head dreamily as you’re STARING at his face with your big saucer eyes and trying to think of the word]

Teddy: [‘good too, I know’ because you’re in no state yourself to think of another or better word, holding her face gently in both his hands]

Nancy: [nodding, carrying it on just that shade too long like calm down ‘good, are we good?’ tracing the word on his forehead and his chin and then each cheek, booping his nose like a full stop]

Teddy: [regardless of whether or not being ticklish was a lie, he’s laughing in this moment, likewise a bit too much, lying down on this bathroom floor fully and pulling her into him like they’re a couple in a bed lying side by side] 

Nancy: [‘this is nice’ when this would sound so sarcastic if you weren’t high but you are so it isn’t, snuggling him like there we go, moment complete ‘it’s your birthday now, isn’t it’ because remembering somewhere in the back of your mind that he wanted to take these pills the time he was actually born, humming happy birthday into the skin on his bicep you’re lying on]

Teddy: [‘what time is it?’ dreamily because you have no idea not as a genuine question you’re expecting her to answer but for all you know your bday is over ‘happy birthday to me’ regardless, as something which would likewise sound and be said sarcastically if they weren’t high]

Nancy: [saying the date like that is your birthday, because lord knows you can’t find out the time right now, even though all either of you would have to do is look at your phone, it isn’t gonna register ‘you said I get the best gifts’ beaming here like that was so nice of you]

Teddy: [waving this bracelet around in front of his eyes in that high mesmerised by it manner because he was when he was sober tbh, he loves it ‘this is really’ whether you’re saying it like you mean it’s the best or you just can’t think of a word, irrelevant]

Nancy: [watching it too and going to paw at it, like babies do with their baby gyms or cats with their toys, doing another happy sigh ‘you’re really’ like y’all are speaking in full sentences and you know EXACTLY what he meant ‘cos on the same wavelength]

Teddy: [‘I love everything’ because he do, her, this gift, the moment, all of it, no notes]

Nancy: [‘happy for you, happy for me’ because you really and truly cared about making his birthday better and in general making him happier when you know he ain’t and no one else cares but all of that is too much for you to be able to verbalise in this state so stick with that and give him another really gentle kiss]

Teddy: [have a clumsy but soft makeout sesh about it for a while because what are words when you feel so many things]

Nancy: [when I know you’re probably saying you love him which is risky business because when will this wear off and will you remember, will you pretend you don’t even if you do, lord knows you can’t be held responsible but I’m still like omg]

Teddy: [it’s fine he’d say it back as an ILY too so you’re both equally guilty here, god bless]

Nancy: [winnie says guilty as sin x but at least people will be banging this door to get in as it’s a bathroom and that can be a trigger to bring you down, scowling at the door like excuse me, how very rude as you’re struggling to sit up]

Teddy: [obvs doing his usual and telling these people to go away because it’s his house he can, sounding like you do when you get woken up and are cross about it, literally pulling SUCH a pouty face as if these peeps can see it and will be like oh soz]

Nancy: [y’all are cracking me up, people wanna piss/have bathroom sex/do their own drugs and you’re like wow, whilst we slumber? Shocking behavior, literally shouting ‘no housekeeping’ because you live in a hotel and are clearly a rude bitch lmao]

Teddy: [absolutely iconic from her ‘do slide your drugs under the door though’ as if they will just because it’s your birthday haha]

Nancy: [when no door drugs appear scrunching up your nose like how unforgivable ‘you got a bump or two?’ stretching because you feel as though that might adequately wake you, as if you have been asleep here and not in love]

Teddy: [literally shouting ‘it’s my birthday’ at the door like the audacity to be so rude and unfeeling randoms, you bastards, but then emptying his pockets to frankly hilarious effect when still none appear because god knows what he has in there at this point in the night or how many pockets this outfit even has]

Nancy: [trawling through the things that do appear like what the hell bestie, some of which would be your underwear because gotta still have that somewhere, smirking like he’s some pervert who just stole them and you didn’t give them to him for perverted purposes, tutting at the lack of coke however]

Teddy: [me knowing that he also has the ripped af ones and didn’t just leave them where she did because he’s sentimental like that ‘where’s YOUR bag?’ because for all he knows she literally also left that on the street because he did not care and wasn’t paying attention but the point is where is YOUR coke why am I expected to provide]

Nancy: [when you’ve definitely left it on the street in front of his house because you’re a chaotic slag, at least this gives you the excuse to run out and past these hoes sharpish because need to see if it’s still there lol]

Teddy: [calling after her ‘I’ll buy you new [whatever he remembers being in her bag when he went through it for her cigarettes and his presents respectively]’ fully like leave it and forget it, it’s gone forever bye because he’s so chaotic and wasteful and values nothing, giving why are you running]

Nancy: [inaudibly shouting that it has your blank in it because either acting like this is sentimental or it genuinely is, either way, run and see it’s definitely not there babes]

Teddy: Well?

Nancy: Thank fuck I put my phone in my bra

Teddy: What have you lost? Besides [and the list of what he can remember]

Nancy: Alright, smartypants

Nancy: I didn’t have my cards, or any cash, but they discontinued that shade of lipstick

Teddy: Who? I’ll ask them to make more of it for you

Nancy: You’ll ask [whatever boujee makeup brand this is] to make more, just for me

Teddy: Yes

Nancy: You do make me laugh

Teddy: I’m not joking, I’m emailing them now

Nancy: Are you still high?

Nancy: Let me read it before you send it

Teddy: Hardly high enough to agree to a dyslexic proofreader

Teddy: & no, I want to talk about you

Nancy: Back to your charming self, darling

Teddy: You loathe receiving my compliments

Teddy: [but literally sending her double the amount of money he’s calculated her missing things to be worth so she can rebuy even better versions]

Nancy: No I don’t

Nancy: it’s your birthday

Teddy: Shh, I’m talking to the people who are going to make you a personalised lipstick, if I don’t concentrate it’ll be all wrong

Nancy: but 🥺

Teddy: But 0

Nancy: 🤐  

Teddy: [a pause while he sends the longest emails back and forth just gushing about this girl and genuinely arranging for her to have her own lipstick tailored to all the things he has said because if you have enough money you can do anything]

Teddy: Okay, what was it you wanted to say to me?

Nancy: I missed you

Teddy: What are you doing?

Nancy: Talking to Chlo about James and Ava for you

Teddy: I’m shocked she’s awake, perhaps she’s who we should be asking for our bumps

Nancy: I’m shocked she still has her septum, yeah

Nancy: she’s clearly stewing over what you proposed

Teddy: She’s all too aware she’d dream about me

Nancy: I’ll let you be a bighead

Teddy: Because you’re proud of yourself

Teddy: I’m proud of you too

Nancy: please

Teddy: You know I’m in awe of the things you can make people do

Nancy: Says you, look at this party

Nancy: everyone adores you

Teddy: Birthdays & cash don’t count, they work for everyone

Nancy: So do good looks, so does everything

Teddy: Absolutely, you’re more than your incredible looks though

Nancy: We’re talking about you

Teddy: I’m not

Nancy: I wish I could talk about you 

Teddy: Chlo is famously out of the loop & won’t be none the wiser who [nancy’s bf] is, I’ll be your boyfriend

Nancy: No you won’t

Teddy: You don’t wish you could talk about me then, you liar

Nancy: Talk about you, not an imaginary boyfriend

Teddy: I’d detest giving him credit too, obviously

Nancy: I’m going to get a new one, this isn’t working out

Teddy: [the one gay she got in the middle of] or [the other lol]?

Nancy: A throuple, obviously 🙄

Teddy: They are that co-dependent, true 

Nancy: I don’t need to be in the emotional middle of all that, imagine

Nancy: suppose you’re sticking with the bride

Teddy: You’re much too fond of slurs, for a start

Nancy: If they’re gay they faked it convincingly enough

Teddy: Of course they did, you’re Chlo’s opposite, she flips men one way, you the other

Nancy: Ha, is that what happened

Teddy: Clearly

Nancy: You’ve never been gay, contrary to what you sister might think

Teddy: Why on earth are you being SO uncharacteristically nice to me?

Nancy: You just gave me lots of money, why else

Teddy: I’m not about to take it back

Nancy: Fine, fuck you

Teddy: Third time is supposedly the charm

Nancy: You wish, baby

Nancy: I’m super busy

Teddy: Fine, I’ll occupy myself with finding you a new boyfriend

Nancy: Really?

Teddy: It won’t prove very difficult

Nancy: Are you insulting my standards, all the way down there with yours

Teddy: I was singing your praises, as always

Nancy: Why are YOU being so nice

Teddy: As written above, when am I not?

Nancy: We’re having an amnesty for your birthday, no list today

Teddy: I’ll ask again in [however long until it’s no longer his bday which clearly as far as he’s concerned is when this party ends, which we’re estimating as the time his dad wants him in work], noted

Nancy: You’ll find a distraction before then

Teddy: Undeniably, there’s plenty of money remaining to give to the poker table

Nancy: How much are you down tonight?

Teddy: I’m hurt at your presumption I’m not on a winning streak

Nancy: I know you

Teddy: [tell her how much you are down as if it’s nothing when it’s actually so much]

Nancy: Jesus, you need to go find some more drugs or someone to suck your dick again instead

Teddy: You sound like my sister, money is there to be spent

Nancy: Yeah, in exchange for goods and/or services, darling

Nancy: why do you like losing so much?

Teddy: It’s an act of charity, you aren’t complaining when I’m losing the family fortune to your needs

Nancy: You’re all heart

Teddy: Or perhaps I’m just childish

Nancy: Why not both, dream big

Teddy: It’s your nightmare, not mine

Nancy: What are you talking about?

Teddy: YOU talked about how I’m such a child

Nancy: Hours ago, why are you getting upset about that now

Teddy: I’m not upset

Nancy: You seem it

Teddy: Maybe you can’t read people either

Nancy: You’re thinking about your sister again, you shouldn’t have let me read it if it was going to put you in a mood

Teddy: You’re the one who spiralled, I’m in a fantastic mood

Nancy: I’m very glad

Teddy: [suggest a potential bf, whether you’re being serious or shady who can ever say lol]

Nancy: 💭

Teddy: Yes, I know, my mind

Nancy: No, I mean I’m debating what you’re possibly trying to say with that candidate 

Teddy: Take your time, darling, you evidently find me quite the puzzle

Nancy: Why do you want to pick?

Teddy: You’re busy, I’m not, it isn’t THAT deep, truly

Nancy: Alright, whatever you say

Teddy: If you refuse to take me at my word, what I say is utterly irrelevant

Nancy: I don’t refuse that

Teddy: & yet, I can feel your scepticism through the phone

Nancy: well I did say I wanted an older man and I’m the oldest person at this party so

Teddy: Well, [someone we’re shading] acts ancient, I don’t understand why they even bothered to come 🥱

Teddy: Is [someone who isn’t at the party and we genuinely think she would get with] a more suitable prospect?

Nancy: Their parents are divorcing, home atmosphere is icy, what I’ve heard

Nancy: but perhaps, yes

Teddy: Incredible, theirs can be my new mummy given mine is far too busy

Nancy: Be fair

Nancy: her face isn’t going to keep itself

Teddy: Her face was fine, the issues are psychological 

Nancy: You’re not [however old his mum is/we think she is because you don’t know exactly of course]

Teddy: Neither is she, guess again, except don’t because this is a tedious game

Nancy: Whatever, you’ll care when your hairline recedes, that’s my point

Teddy: I care that it’s my birthday, not that she makes it about her lost youth

Nancy: She’s upset about YOU

Teddy: That crisis will be poised for my leaving home

Nancy: It’ll be revisited, at every milestone, of course

Teddy: Quite

Nancy: But you won’t move out for ages, you have it too good

Teddy: Only for the renovations, not that there will be anywhere near enough, the guests are slacking

Nancy: A second act is required

Teddy: I have to do EVERYTHING myself, it seems

Teddy: give my love to my sister-in-law, the people need their king

Nancy: Good luck

Nancy: I’ve avoided mentioning you thus far

Teddy: Well done 👏

Nancy: You act as if I’m obsessed

Teddy: Aren’t you?

Nancy: Only in the one way

Nancy: don’t worry

Teddy: I didn’t dress you as my bride

Nancy: I know

Nancy: I saw the posts before she deleted them

Teddy: Screenshots live forever

Nancy: A LOT of people were filming once she arrived, the shame isn’t going anywhere

Teddy: As it shouldn’t

Nancy: I don’t think you like me, not like that

Teddy: I wouldn’t enjoy humiliating you, no

Teddy: except in your previously mentioned one way

Nancy: That goes without saying

Teddy: Nevertheless, I’ve said it

Nancy: I knew you were angry with me

Nancy: thinking about all the ways you could take it out on me

Teddy: I was & I did, it’s my parents turn right now

Nancy: Okay, see you on the other side, maybe

Teddy: [go and cause some more absolute carnage hun, soz to his parents]

Nancy: [I don’t feel hugely sorry for you but we know a lot of damage in property and cash is being done here on this day, they’re gonna be livid lol, eventually when you’ve laid enough groundwork with Chlo, you can come in and join in with whatever is going down in this gaff]

Teddy: [and I deffo don’t feel sorry for Chlo haha, we love to see the teamwork though because clearly too many people at this party are too out of it by this point and don’t have the stamina]

Nancy: [like they are correct but also they are completely stirring so you know lol, y’all are having a lovely time just getting to ruin everything here and now]

Teddy: [even a broken clock as they say, hence I’m letting you have java even if nobody believes you rn lol, if this was a film what a montage that would be, the peak romance of y’all causing and standing amongst actual wreckage, go and properly sort the dad blackmail/humiliation of it all as well because you took the pictures but then got distracted]

[thedancemostofall]

a place that was promised

perimenopause and the pendulum

ETHANEY LEE

MAY 30

i told my mom that i think i’m going through perimenopause. i told her while we were lying on her bed, side by side, facing each other and talking in a hushed voice which we always do whenever ethan is in the other room. i’ve been sure about it for awhile, maybe even before i turned 35 but i’ve been more sure about it in the last couple months. i scoot down on the bed and turn on my back as i tell her that my body feels different, my hair is brittle and dry, my cycle has been changing, i’ve been sweating at night, i have spontaneous hot flashes where i frantically fan myself even when it’s 58 degrees outside, i feel my sex drive waning. my mom runs her fingers through my hair as i ask her when she went through menopause and she stops and thinks about it for a minute. she makes a sound that’s in between a sigh and a gasp when she remembers she also started going through perimenopause around 35 and went into full menopause at 41 or 42.

i tell her: it’s genetic, you know. i expect her to tell me i’m being crazy, i’m not like her, i’m reading into these things too much, i’m just not exercising enough or i’m not sleeping enough or no, i’m just wrong.but instead, she asks me what i want to do about it. i shrug and say, nothing, i don’t think. what can i do? i tell her that there is a hormone specialist in florida jeremy’s mom recommended to me years ago when i first got diagnosed with pmdd but he costs $6,000 just for the hormone testing. even if i could afford that, what is the point? there’s no point in trying to control something that has already been written out for me. but as we’re both lying there, mom and daughter but feeling more like peers or friends in this moment,i feel a little sad when i ask her if i’ll start to look old quicker. will i look aged? will i start to look different? will i start to look dry and withered sooner than i should? are you sure? how do you know? she tells me what i expect her to say: you’ll always be beautiful, you’ll be okay. i don’t really believe her but when i look at her and the photos around her bedroom that show her soft freckled skin, the youthful lines that crinkle around her eyes and her girlish smile at various points in her life, i find it a little easier to trust what she’s saying. she tells me what i’ve been thinking all along: there is no point in stressing about what’s already meant to be. besides, she says matter of factly, i would only really feel sad for you if you wanted kids but you don’t.

when i was 25, two years after i got pregnant and had my abortion, a woman held my wrist in her hand and steadied a crystal pendulum over it. this will tell you how many children you’ll have, she says. the pendulum doesn’t move dangling over the soft part of my wrist when suddenly, it begins to move in an exaggerated circle. i hold my breath.

her other hand holds my wrist and her skin feels cool and dry. her fingers are knotted and wiry but strong. she steadies the pendulum again and this time, the pendulum slowly begins to sway from side to side. it keeps going until suddenly it slows down and then abruptly stops. two children, she says. a boy and a girl. i stand there, stunned as if a secret of the universe has opened up to me. i don’t doubt what she’s saying, i believe every word she says but maybe it’s because it was what i needed to hear then. i needed to hear that i could still have another chance. i would be older, i would be smarter then, it would be with someone who is kind to me, who i’m kind to, it will happen with someone who is good. i was still confused and heartsick over the abortion i had two years earlier; knowing that it was the right decision but having a hard time understanding it all. i wanted to ask her if my abortion counts, if the abortion counted for one of the children i am meant to have in this lifetime but i don’t.

a year later, i’m devastated over a breakup with a man who will never be with me in the way i need him to be with me. i think i am in love with him and i convince myself he is in love with me too by the way he remembered to pack the disposable cameras i gave him before he went on a month long trip to vietnam. i remember telling him, i want to see what you see, i want to see what you wish i could see with you. i didn’t think he would remember to take photos or even if he did remember, i didn’t think he would make the effort to. why would he? i wasn’t even his girlfriend. i was a girl he spent time with on weekends, texted all day with and slept with but i wasn’t his girlfriend. when he came back, he got the cameras developed for me and emailed me a file with the photos. they were the most beautiful photos i had ever seen because i saw what he saw. i told myself that he had to love me. i told myself these grainy, shitty photos proved it.

but he didn’t love me. he was widowed, shut off and only open to a dalliance that teetered the line of any emotional intimacy. he introduced me to his intimidating sister at her palatial home but he wouldn’t hold my hand in public. we walked his dog in the mornings around the city and we made dinner together in the evenings but he wouldn’t define our relationship. we did this for two years until one night, i called him and gave him an ultimatum. he chewed cashews deliberately and calmly as i cried into the phone when he said he couldn’t give me an answer. i could hear the cashews snap and crack under his teeth as i screamed at him to fuck off before hanging up on him. i am heartsick again but for a different reason. i am wild with intense irrational heartache and i feel like i am on fire from being rejected and feeling so unwanted. i find a ‘psychic’ on etsy with 4.5 stars and i reach out to her for a pendulum reading. i am sad and desperate and it’s shameful. she tells me for $30 i can ask 10 yes or no questions. at the time, $30 seems like a reasonable amount of money for the universe to speak to me and soothe the desperation i feel. i ask if he still thinks about me. i ask if we were right for each other. i ask if we’ll end up together. i ask if i’ll have children. she emails me back a week later and tells me yes he still thinks about me, no we were not right for each other, no we will not end up together, yes i will have children. i email her two more times, $60 more dollars, still heartsick and i ask the same questions, just worded differently. but in one email, i ask: will i have two children? she responds that the pendulum says yes.

i meet ethan and sade for dinner on a monday night. it’s a holiday and i expect the restaurant to be busy but it’s not as busy as it usually is. over plates of honey walnut shrimp, fried rice, spinach with garlic and general’s chicken, i tell them about a woman, a young mom, earlier in the day at a trendy coffee spot who asked me to move from the bench i was sitting on so she and her husband, their toddler and the stroller she was pushing with one hand could sit. i tell them that when she asked me if i could move so they could sit, i immediately jumped up and said of course. she doesn’t say thank you. as i waited for my coffee, i felt an inexplicable feeling of anger start bubbling in the center of my stomach. how dare she ask me to move just because she has children? i text jeremy as i wait for my strawberry latte to be called; i am typing furiously. i think women who have children can think women who don’t have children and are of child bearing age should be more amenable to them just because they have children, like they’re better than us, i text him, and most times i am but sometimes i don’t want to be. i am seething as i glance back and see this mom with her grubby toddler and her cooing baby in the black nuna stroller and her husband crammed into the two seater plastic bench. my coffee is called and i walk up to get it and as i walk out, i pass by this family again. i see the baby’s little feet covered in lime green socks sticking out from the top of the stroller, i see her toddler with wet curious eyes standing idly by, one chubby hand holding onto the stroller. his fuzzy jacket is stained with crumbs, his feathery hair is disheveled. mom and dad both look content, despite the chaos it probably took for them to all leave the house together, happy to be spending this morning as a family. i feel something lurch in my stomach, it’s not so much anger anymore but it’s a feeling of something. is it envy? is it sadness? is it understanding that these are things i will never experience? that i will never understand what it feels like to enjoy a cup of coffee on a sunny windy morning with two children i bore from my body, with someone who i love enough to do this with by my side?

years ago, a friend once told me that her three year old son took her face by both hands and looked into her eyes and asked: where did you come from? when she told me this, i was in awe that as a mom, you are gifted the purest of moments. i couldn’t fathom what it would be like to hold a beautiful little being in my heart like that. i couldn’t imagine what it would be like to hear my child ask me such a tender question. i think i would cry. i know i would cry. i have a honey citrine pendulum i bought in new mexico on a wooden stand in my apartment. occasionally, i think about seeing if the pendulum would still say i am going to have two children. but i choose not to. even if the pendulum still says yes, i know that it was revealing a secret of a different lifetime. not this one. i have come to understand that.

people ask me if i’m going to have kids. especially when they know i’m 35. when i say no, they chortle and say oh you still have time, you’re still so young. i tell them that i thought i was going to have kids my whole life, i tell them i love kids, i tell them how i was a nanny for years, i tell them i was good at it, i tell them i never really cared about getting married but i always wanted to be a mom, i tell them my favorite girl’s name is ophelia. but i don’t tell them that when i was younger, i was always worried that someone wouldn’t love me enough to want to have a child with me. i don’t tell them that when i was younger, i was worried the traits i never grew out of would make make it obvious to others that i would be a bad mom. i don’t tell them that now, through time, i’ve come trust myself enough to know that i would be a good mom but i know i shouldn’t be a mom.

i know my body is changing and is preparing to go through the biggest change since puberty. maybe it will be when i’m 40, maybe it will be when i’m 42. i know that as this happens, i’ll still be young but feel old. i know i’ll feel these subtle changes as the years pass and maybe with each year, i’ll go through bigger waves of thinking about motherhood more often. i know there will be more moments of feeling envy and sadness. i know that even if i’m okay not being a mother, i’ll still wish that the first and only time i was pregnant wasn’t so wretched and devastating. i know that i’ll always wonder about the pendulum readings and wonder it really meant.

i know that i’ll think about another life where maybe motherhood worked out for me and even though there might be days where i hate it, all of it, i know i wouldn’t give it up for anything.