#I don’t know what I’m doing to be honest

[nvieditz]

bad decisions pt 2

alexia x reader

hey everyone! sorry it took a bit for this to be done (and i apologize for the bit of a cliffhanger but i have the “rest” of this done and will be coming out so i just liked how this ended haha)

warnings: no smut just plot (smut in the next part i promise) 2k+ word count

You get back to Ana’s apartment and it’s quiet and dark. You don’t even bother turning the lights off you  hang up your keys and head to the guest bedroom you’re staying in. 

You hop in the shower quickly before putting on a big t shirt and heading to bed. Out of curiosity you turned on your phone and opened google. 

You searched Fc Barcelona Alexia

The results were… wow.

You found yourself going through the images tab and reading her description. There was an instagram account link. You couldn’t help but click on it. 

Holy 3 million followers.

You basically stalked her whole profile for an embarrassing amount of time, being blown away by all the awards and trophies she’s won. You finally put your phone down when you realized what time it was. You had to stop thinking about her. 

But how could you when that was the best sex you’ve had in a long time. 

The next morning you wake up to noise in the kitchen. Ana must be up and getting ready to go to the gym, she always goes on weekend mornings. 

You have to get some work done so you decide to head to a coffee shop and do some work there. 

You throw on some jeans and a t shirt, grab your laptop and leave your bedroom. 

But what you see in your kitchen is a surprise. 

Ana is making breakfast and one of Alexia’s friends from last night was sitting on one of the stools from the kitchen island. 

“Oh, Hi y/n I didn’t hear you come in last night,” Ana asks, just as shocked as you are. 

Alexia’s friend flashes you an awkward smile. 

“Yeah sorry I got back pretty late,” you respond which adds more awkwardness to the air. “Well, I’m heading out so have fun.” You smile as you grab your house keys and head out. 

You put on your headphones and walk towards the coffee shop you saw that looked cute. 

It was a beautiful day in Barcelona, as always. You were considering moving here since your job is work from home and you’re tired of the rainy weather back home. And, it would help you be farther away from her. 

You reach the coffee shop and order your drink before claiming a small round table and get to work. You’re the social media manager of a new language learning app so your work today was mostly research, looking into new trends and what catches people’s eye. 

But then something catches your eye. 

Or someone. 

Shit. 

There’s Alexia, in line for a coffee, with another one of the girls from last night. 

You try to pretend you didn’t see her and continue work. You focus on your work and the Fletcher song you love playing in your headphones. 

You suddenly see Alexia standing in front of your table holding her coffee. “Mind if I sit here?” she asks. 

You wanted to say no but you didn’t want to be rude. “Sure,” you said as politely as possible without trying to incite anything. 

You try your best to ignore her and continue your work, but you can feel her staring at you. You look up at her from your laptop. 

“Why are you ignoring me?” She asks, clearly annoyed. 

“Because I came here to do my job not chit chat.” you realized you snapped at her a beat too late. Her face flashed with anger. “I’m sorry, I’m just not in the best mood.” you try to salvage the situation.

“No, I mean clearly you couldn’t wait to leave yesterday so I don’t know what happened because according to… you know… you seemed like you had a good time.” she presses. 

You take a deep breath before answering. “I did have a good time,” you pause, “but if I’m being honest, I just wanted a one night thing to distract me from- well it doesn’t matter from what.” you shake off the mopey feeling creeping back up. 

She looks confused. “Ok, I don’t fully understand but I respect your boundaries.” she states but she doesn’t get up.

You look at her just as confused. She finally starts to get up but before she leaves she leans in and whispers, “Oh and you left your strap in my apartment,” she winks. “and your hair looks really good down like that.” she smiles as she walks away. 

You hide the blush her comment made you get by taking a sip of your coffee. You finally get back to work. 

You’re packing up your stuff after a few hours doing some work and your phone dings. 

Thinking it was Ana you pick up your phone immediately. 

[instagram] @alexiaputellas has started following you 

You scoff at your phone. You ignore it and put your phone away. How did she even find your profile anyway? 

You walk out of the coffee shop and head back with the intention to just relax for a few hours and maybe go grab some dinner with Ana. 

Your phone dings again.

[instagram] @alexiaputellas “when do you plan on picking up your things 😉”

You can’t help but smile because clearly she wanted to see you again, very badly. But you still felt like she wanted something more that you didn’t want. 

You ignored the message again for now and headed home with Ana. 

You walk in the door and see Ana sitting on the couch watching tv. 

“Hey,” you say as you kick your shoes off. 

“Hey where’d you go?” she asks.

You set your bag on the counter and head over to sit next to her. “I went to the coffee shop to do some work,” you reply nonchalantly. 

She looks at you for a beat. “Are you ok? You seemed off this morning. And also why were you here this morning weren’t you going home with Alexia?” her voice came off teasing at the sound of Alexia’s name. 

“Yeah I’m fine, I did go home with her but decided it was best not to stay.” you replied trying to end the conversation. 

“Well, what was it?” she asks, “Was she… bad?” she whispered jokingly. 

You laughed softly, “No, she was… great,” you smile. 

“Sooo… what was it?” she asks, clearly genuinely interested. 

You take a beat to think about what to say, “Well, I don’t know. I feel like staying would insinuate that I wanted more than just a one night thing and you know I’m not looking for anything right now, not so soon after.. you know who.” you look down sadly. 

“You can say her name you know… she’s not

voldemort,” Ana laughs, “and I understand, and I’m sorry about the whole thing with Ona this morning, I didn’t mean for it to be awkward.” 

You laugh, “It’s ok. So how was that?” you tease. 

“Really good,” she smiles. “Oh and she asked if we wanted to go to a party she’s having tomorrow?” she slips in quickly. 

“Oh god I don’t know, Alexia’s probably gonna be there isn’t she?” you ask worriedly. The last thing you needed was seeing her again. 

“Oh come on, I don’t want to go by myself and I like her. If you see her you can just ignore her, flirt with another one of her friends, let her know you don’t want anything for sure,” she begs, “Please? for me?” she begs like a small child. 

You think about it for a second, “Fine.” 

Ana practically jumps for joy and kisses your forehead, “Thank you thank you. It’ll be fun I promise,” she runs over to grab her phone, presumably to text Ona and let her know we’re coming. 

You get comfortable on the couch and put on an episode of Modern Family before you and Ana sat on the small table in the kitchen eating some leftover Paella from a few nights ago, still as good as new. 

After eating you decide to go to bed early, needing to catch up on sleep. When you get in bed you open instagram and once again are reminded of Alexia’s message. 

And the fact that you hadn’t followed her back. 

You were too tired to do anything about this—smartly at least. 

You ignored it again for now and went to bed. 

The next morning you wake up dreading this party— and that was an understatement. 

But you had to get up to get some

work done.

You get up and sit yourself on the couch with a cup of coffee. You didn’t bother to change out of your pajamas since you had no meetings today. 

You spent the next few hours designing posts for the company and diving into instagram looking for potential trends for promoting the company more. 

By the time you’ve almost driven yourself mad, your computer is about to die and it’s almost time to clock out. You go to grab your charger but your phone pings. 

You turn around to grab it and see the notification from instagram. 

[Instagram] @alexiaputellas “can’t wait to see you tonight.”

You scoff and ignore the message. You grab your computer charger and plug it into your laptop. 

Your phone dings again. 

[Instagram] @alexiaputellas “you can’t keep ignoring me you know?” 

You smiled at the message and continued to ignore it. 

After a little bit, you finished work and started to get ready since the party was in a few hours. 

You started to realize you feel a little excited to see Alexia. You like the attention. 

And as long as you don’t let it get any further, there’s no harm in a little fun.

You just had to make sure it was just for fun.

You were finishing getting doing your makeuo when you heard Ana get back from work. 

“Hi babe, how are you?” she called from the living room. 

“Good, just getting ready!” you called back. 

You hear her footsteps getting closer to you before she enters the bathroom that you’re in. “Sorry it took me so long to get back we’ll probably be late to the party,” she said. She looked at you and your almost finished makeup, “You look really hot for someone who doesn’t want to go to this party.” 

You laugh as if what she said was ridiculous, “Oh please. I just don’t want to be caught underdressed,” you joked. 

“One thing is not being underdressed and another thing is looking like you want Alexia to fuck you senseless again,” she teases. 

Your face goes red, “When did I say anything about senseless?” you laugh. 

“Oh you don’t have to tell me. I know,” she whispers as she leaves to go get ready. 

You look at yourself in the mirror thinking maybe you are overdressing. 

You decided to wear a red tank top that showed just enough cleavage to not be too showy but not modest. You wore your low rise, black jeans that fit you so well and you know you look really good in them. You decided to add a belly chain to the outfit to make it look even better. You decided to keep your hair down for the night. 

You convinced yourself this hair decision had nothing to do with Alexia’s comment in the coffee shop the other day.

When Ana is done getting ready you order an uber to come pick you up and you wait until it arrives. You grab your bag and your keys and you and Ana head out the door. 

When you’re in the uber you find yourself mindlessly scrolling through instagram and you end up going through the barca femenil squad instagram. 

Just to see who may all be at the party, not to look at pictures of Alexia. 

When you get there you get out of the uber and realize, this is the same building Alexia’s apartment is in. Figures that they live in the same building. 

Unwanted memories of the other night come flooding back. 

You shake off the warm feeling in your body as you walk into the building. 

You can hear music from the entrance and you assume that’s coming from the party. 

You head up the stairs and reach the apartment where the party noise is coming from. Ana knocks on the door a d a few seconds later Ona opens the door. 

“Hi,” she hugs Ana then gestures for both of you to come in, “Come in” she smiles. 

You walk in and in no surprise, most of the women there are all extremely fit and definitely fellow footballers. You spot Alexia in the kitchen talking to someone else. You pretend you didn’t see her as you said hi to the others. 

Ana sits down to where Ona is sitting and Ona offers to grab both of you something to drink. You taker her up on her offer and ask for a rum and coke. 

You sit down on the end of the couch no one seems to be taking up. 

You mindlessly switch from paying attention to the conversations around you and not. You’re happy Ana seems to be having a good time but you’re a little bored. 

That is, before someone sits next to you. 

This woman is FIT. 

Brown hair with dyed blonde highlights and an energy that exuded so much confidence it was intimidating. 

She’s wearing a tight white t shirt and some dark blue pinstripe low rise jeans, with some boxers

peaking above them.  

“Hola,” she says to you, her eyes quickly rake down your body and back up. “I’m Misa, nice to meet you.” 

She extends a hand for you to shake, you smile a little before grabbing her hand and shaking it lightly. “I’m y/n, nice to meet you too.” 

She smiles at you, “So, how do you know Ona?” she asks. 

Not wanting to tell her the full truth, you said, “Oh, Ana’s my best friend,” you gesture toward where they’re sitting. 

“Lovely,” she teases. You can feel her slowly inching closer to you. 

“So, do you play on the barcelona team as well?” you ask her, subconsciously hoping Alexia is watching this conversation, you try to be more into this conversation. 

“No,” she smiles, “I play for Madrid but I’m friends with most of these girls from the Spanish national team. I’m here visiting.” 

Misa was about to say something else,

but you can feel Alexia watching you from your peripheral and something took over you. 

You quickly break the distance between you and Misa and kiss her. You can feel her surprise at first but she slowly deepens the kiss as her hand wanders to your thigh. You break apart from the kiss after what felt like hours. 

“Can I get you another drink?” she asks you softly. 

“Yes please,” you smile. She grabs your empty glass off of the table and heads to the bar to refresh your drink. 

Immediately as she’s gone you feel someone else sit next to you. 

You turn to see Alexia. She looks… mad. But why would she be mad? You guys aren’t together. 

“Hi Alexia,” you say blankly. 

“Hi,” she says flatly, “why have you been ignoring me?” 

“Who says I’m ignoring you?” you snap back. 

“You, right now.” she bites back. “Why are you acting like this? Did I do something?” now she seems worried. 

You sigh and look down for a moment. 

You think about what to say for a moment. 

You put your hand on her thigh. You look at her and your eyes darken. She looks really good and you hadn’t noticed from how much you were trying to pretend she wasn’t there. 

“We can keep doing this,” you point between the two of you, your voice lowers, “if you promise, there are no feelings. This is just for fun. Because I am not ready for a relationship,” You say blatantly. 

She seems a little taken aback at first but then her eyes darken. “Ok,” she pauses for a moment. She leans in to kiss you. It’s a soft kiss but slow. Painfully slow. She pulls away and whispers, “Meet me in my apartment in 30 minutes,” before getting up and heading out the door. 

You realize you don’t remember which apartment is hers. 

Shit. 

[itneverendshere]

you going to jj’s little graduation, and you’re giving proud mom. even if he’s towering over you in his cap, and you’re pinching his cheeks, and as always rafes in awe of how much of natural caretaker

i'm a sucker for these three dynamic 😭😭😭😭 so i also added a little kie bc jj deserves all the teasing in the world after he made rafe's life miserable the past year🤭 hope you enjoy!🩵🫂

you've got no reason to be afraid - r.c

pairing: rafe x pogue!reader (bartender!reader universe)

Rafe never wanted to go to this thing.

No, really. It wasn’t even one of those "I don’t wanna go, but deep down I actually care" moments. He genuinely didn’t want to show up.

Because honestly, why the hell was he going to JJ Maybank's graduation?

You dragged him here, and yeah, he was pretending to hate it every second of it, but...okay, maybe he was…a little proud of the guy for making it out alive. Sue him.

You’re buzzing around like a proud mom, and it’s almost hard to look at. Not because it’s annoying—okay, maybe it’s a little annoying—but more because it’s… god, he doesn’t even know. It’s just you.

You can’t help it. The whole natural caretaker thing, how you swoop in and take care of people like you’re born to do it. 

Rafe’s leaning against the wall while you’re annoying JJ, pinching his cheeks like he's still that scrappy little kid you saved from his old man’s rage. His stupid graduation cap keeps sliding off his head, and every time you fix it, he grins like an idiot.

The guy's taller than you, but it’s almost like it doesn’t matter. 

"You’re not gonna cry, are you?" JJ teases, standing there in his cap and gown like some kinda of scholar. It's hard to take it seriously, to be honest. 

You roll your eyes at him, "Shut up, Maybank. I’m allowed to be proud of you." You reach up again, smoothing down the collar of his gown, and it hits Rafe how much you care about this. 

He crosses his arms tighter over his chest, trying his best not to look too invested in the scene playing out in front of him. You’re still fussing over JJ, like some proud older sister at her little brother’s first big milestone, and Rafe… well, he’s trying not to roll his eyes for the third time in five minutes.

He pushes off the wall, just enough to glance at his phone, scrolling through his notifications to look busy, like he’s not watching this whole thing happen. He catches a glimpse of you laughing—JJ making some dumb joke about how he can’t believe he even graduated in the first place.

He didn’t get it at first. How could someone who’s been through what you’ve been through still have the energy to care about people like this?

Especially about someone like JJ? The scrappy, no-good kid from The Cut who spent more time getting into fights and drinking than actually passing his classes. But that’s the thing about you—you never gave up on people, even when everyone else had.

"You’re staring," you tease, glancing back at him with a grin, breaking his train of thought. "You okay over there, baby?"

Rafe straightens up, wiping the expression off his face before you can see too much. He’s quick to shrug, playing it off like he’s too cool to care about whatever’s going on. "Yeah, I’m fine," he mutters, locking his phone and slipping it back in his pocket. "Just wondering how long this is gonna take."

"Uh-huh." You’re not buying it for a second, but you let it slide. You know him better than anyone else, after all, “Get your ass here. We’re taking a picture.”

He sighs, letting out a dramatic huff like this is the worst thing he’s ever been asked to do. "You serious?" he groans, but he’s already pushing himself off the wall and walking over to where you’re standing with JJ.

“Dead serious,” you shoot back, giving him that look—the one that always gets him to do what you want, even when he’s trying to act like he’s above it.

JJ’s got that shit-eating grin on his face, the one that says he knows Rafe’s just playing tough. He slings an arm over your shoulders like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and Rafe’s eyes narrow, his possessiveness showing before he can even stop himself.

“Relaaaax, man,” JJ teases, catching the look. “You’re gonna burst a vein.”

He rolls his eyes but steps closer, standing right beside you as you hand your phone to some random kid to take the picture. The three of you huddle together and you pull Rafe in by his shirt, snuggling into his side like you always do, and despite himself, he can’t help the small smile that tugs at his lips. Not enough for anyone else to notice—he’s too stubborn for that—but you feel it.

You always do.

The camera clicks, and just like that, the moment’s captured—JJ in his stupid graduation gear, you looking like a proud mom, and Rafe standing there like he’s not sure how he ended up a part of this weird little family, but maybe, just maybe, he’s okay with it.

“Alright, picture’s done. Can we leave now?” Rafe grumbles, already half-turned toward the parking lot.

You step in front of him to block his way. “Oh no, you’re not getting off that easy. We’re going to the party.” Your voice has that no-nonsense tone, the one that makes him groan because he knows you mean business.

JJ laughs again, clapping Rafe on the back. “C’mon, man. You can survive a couple hours with us. Plus, there’s free beer.”

He arches a brow. “Free beer?”

“Yep. Keg’s already set up back at John B’s place,” JJ says, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Fine,” Rafe groans, but he doesn’t actually mind. Not when you’re looking at him like that—like he’s the only thing you want standing next to you, even if it’s at some ridiculous party in the Cut. In his little sister’s boyfriends house of all places. Sarah and John B’s on-again, off-again thing is enough drama for one lifetime.

 “But I’m not carrying your ass home when you get shitfaced.”

JJ smirks, patting his gown. “I’ll be fine, man. I graduated today. I’m an adult now.”

Rafe snorts. “Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts.”

You’re already pulling Rafe toward the car, glancing back at JJ with a grin. “Come on. Let’s celebrate while you still have time to pretend you’re responsible.”

JJ’s talking a mile a minute, the entire drive, from the backseat, already planning out how he’s going to "run the party" and bragging about the free booze like it’s the highlight of his life. Rafe tunes most of it out, too focused on you, the warmth of your hand lingering even after you’ve let go. By the time you pull up to John B’s place, the sun’s starting to set and the yard is already half full with the Pogues. Kie’s there, Sarah too, probably.

You park, and before Rafe can even make a move, JJ’s already jumped out, tossing his cap onto the grass as he heads toward the keg. "Let’s get this party started bitches!" he shouts, and the small crowd cheers in response.

Great.

He climbs out of the car, walking around to meet you on the driver’s side. “You sure about this?” he asks, glancing toward the crowd. He’s not exactly best friends with these guys, and parties in the Cut… well, they’re not really his scene.

But you smile up at him, reaching for his hand and threading your fingers through his. "Yeah, I’m sure. You’ll survive, baby.”

He huffs, but when you start pulling him toward the party, he lets you. He always lets you. You weave your way through the small crowd of pogues, most of whom nod or wave at him but don’t bother trying to talk to him. 

You glance back, grinning as you lead the way toward the makeshift party area. “You’re not gonna hide in the corner the whole time, are you?” you tease, giving his hand a playful squeeze.

Rafe rolls his eyes but follows you, his free hand shoving into his pocket. “No promises,” he says, though a small part of him is already resigning to the fact that you’re probably going to drag him into the middle of everything by the end of the night.

Everything's already in full swing by the time you both find a spot near the keg. JJ’s surrounded by a group of people, handing out beers like it’s his personal mission to get everyone drunk. John B and Sarah are off to the side, leaning against the porch railing, sharing a laugh. Disgusting.

You flash him a smile before heading off to grab drinks, leaving him standing awkwardly near the keg, trying his best to avoid making eye contact with anyone.

He’s mid-scroll on his phone again when he hears JJ’s voice call out, “Yo, Rafe!”

Rafe glances up, already preparing himself for whatever shit JJ’s about to throw his way.

“Don’t tell me you’re just gonna stand there like some grumpy old man. You’re at my graduation party, man! You gotta at least try to have fun.” JJ’s grinning from ear to ear, clearly already a few beers in.

Rafe snorts, shaking his head. “I’m here, aren’t I? That’s gotta count for something.”

JJ laughs, clapping him on the shoulder. “Yeah, yeah. You’re right. Just didn’t think I’d see Rafe Cameron at a pogue party, y'know?”

“Don’t make me punch you in the face."

JJ grins again, but there’s something a little more genuine in his expression this time. “For real though, man. Thanks for coming. I know this isn’t your scene.”

Rafe’s about to answer with his usual sarcasm, but he catches the sincerity in JJ’s tone and decides to let it slide. He nods, his voice gruff as he says, “Yeah. Congrats, Maybank. You deserve it.”

JJ’s grin widens, and he raises his beer in a mock toast. “Thanks, man. Appreciate it.”

Before he can say anything else, you’re back with two beers in hand, nudging one toward him. “Here you go. Now you’ve got no excuse to look so miserable.”

Rafe takes the beer from you with a half-smirk, but his eyes are soft as he glances down at you. “I don’t look miserable.”

You raise an eyebrow, clearly not convinced. “Sure.”

He chuckles, taking a sip of his beer. It’s cheap, of course, and not exactly his taste, but he doesn’t complain. Not when you’re standing so close, looking up at him like you can see right through all his bullshit. He watches you for a moment, the way you light up around these people, the way you float between them like you’re the glue holding everyone together does something to his heart.

Rafe leans back, his arm draped loosely around your waist as you chat with Kie and JJ, laughing at some dumb story JJ’s telling about getting caught sneaking into class late one too many times. He can’t help but wonder how you do it. The nights you spent bailing JJ out when his dad got too wasted and violent. How you’d sneak him into your place, covering up the bruises and making sure he had somewhere to crash for the night.

“Hey,” your voice pulls him out of his thoughts. “You okay? You’re staring again.”

Rafe blinks, realizing he’s been zoning out, watching you again. “Yeah,” he mutters, clearing his throat. “Just thinking.”

You tilt your head, curiosity flickering in your eyes. “About?”

“How much I love you.”

JJ gags, “Shut the fuck up.”

Kie slaps him in the back, “Shut up, it’s cute.”

Rafe lets out a low chuckle, glancing over at JJ. "Jealous, Maybank?"

JJ takes a long swig of his beer, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Oh, please. I’m not jealous of your sappy shit.”

“Sure you’re not,” He drawls, leaning back with a smirk. “Not like you’ve been drooling over Kie all year or anythin’.”

Kie’s eyes widen, her face flushing just enough to make it obvious, “What the hell are you talking about?” She shoots Rafe a glare, but there’s no real venom behind it.

His grin only widens. “Oh, come on. You think I haven’t noticed? You two have been dancing around each other for what, months now?”

JJ chokes on his beer, coughing. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. That’s not—”

But Rafe’s not letting up. He’s enjoying this way too much. “Dude, just admit it. You’ve been into her forever, and honestly, we’re all sick of watching you act like you don’t.”

Kie crosses her arms, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, really? You’re sick of it?”

“Yeah,” Rafe deadpans, “Everyone knows. Hell, even John B probably knows, and that guy’s oblivious to everything except Sarah.”

JJ groans, rubbing his hand over his face. “You’re seriously gonna make this about me?”

“Yep,” Rafe grins, “Payback’s a bitch, huh?”

He knows Rafe’s just messing with him. He’s been down bad for Kie for as long as he can remember, but every time he gets close, something stops him. The friendship, the fear of messing it up, maybe just the fact that he doesn’t think he deserves her. Rafe’s seen it all before.

Kie, for her part, just rolls her eyes. “Boys are so fucking dumb.”

You laugh, nudging Rafe in the ribs. “Stop torturing him. It’s his big day.”

Rafe huffs, a smirk still playing on his lips. “I’m just saying, if I had to deal with all the crap about you and me, it’s only fair he gets his turn.”

“Yeah, well, maybe JJ needs a little push,” you glance between the two of them. “You gonna make a move, Maybank? Or you planning on dragging this out for another year?”

JJ looks at you, then at Kie, then back at Rafe, who’s clearly enjoying every second of this. “You guys suck,” he mutters, grabbing another beer and stalking off toward the keg, leaving Kie standing there, cheeks still a little red, though she’s doing her best to look unbothered.

Rafe watches him go, then turns back to Kie. “He’s a mess, but you already know that.”

Kie sighs, shaking her head. “Yeah, I do.” Her voice softens,“But he’s my mess, I guess.”

You smile, giving Kie a knowing look. “Took you long enough to admit it.”

Kie glares at you playfully, but there’s no hiding the tiny smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “Oh, shut up.”

[starreyblueberry]

Timmy turner voice in college: Nah I wasn’t really allowed to have pets growing up. WAIT- NO WAIT DUDE I used to have these two pet beta- goldfish?? I’ll be honest I don’t remember what species they were. I don’t even remember where they came from! They just kinda showed up in my room one day. I think my parents bought them?? Or I did?? Who knows- anyway they were in this super small fish tank- like those round ones you’d see on TV, which looking back must have been hard for them, they had a tiny castle though that they would always hide in, so they made it work. What’s crazy is- and I still think about it to this day- I used to take them everywhere WITHOUT A LID! And I mean Everywhere. To the park, to the movies, hell even on road trips I would just hold them in my like tiny kid arms as the car would bump- “Lol how did they not die??”

Dude they were like immortal I swear. They were able to survive being flushed down a TOILET one time. I don’t have any idea how I got them back. They also had a baby fish together, so I’m shocked I kept all 3 alive for so long. I would also talk to them all the time turns out? My parents told me how they would catch me in my room just shouting nonsense at them. I had no idea I even did that, but to be honest a lot of my childhood is kinda blurry, it’s just insane how I kept my fish alive for so long when I did all that reckless shit. “Do your parents take care of them now?”

Oh they died on my birthday- Horrible birthday gift I know! I wasn’t surprised though it felt expected? I don’t know. I didn’t even see them die my parents just told me the next morning haha… yea um.

Oh uh- sorry I don’t know why I’m crying.

They were just fish right?? I mean who cries over their fish…

I- I’ll be right back I need to use the bathroom sorry.

[kitkat13001]

⋆˙⟡ ༉‧ 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒 𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚖𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚛𝚢

>> chuuya nakahara x reader (ft some past dazai x reader)

>> comfort, slight angst, brief mentions of alcohol, reader has a history w dazai

part 2 / reverse pov of ‘dreaming of you’ (dazai x reader)

chuuya sighs, plucking the near-empty wine glass from your hands. you blink up at him with owlish eyes, as if waking from a daze. 

“that’s the last time i let you drink unsupervised,” he tells you, downing the contents of the glass for himself before setting it down in the sink. 

“i’m serious, chuu,” you frown, but your cheeks are flushed and you can’t fight the hiccup that rises with the end of the sentence. 

“so am i,” chuuya replies, taking your arm in a firm but gentle grip as he lifts you from your seat at the table. “you’re going to feel all that wine in the morning, you know.”

“i don’t care,” you sniff, falling back into the plush couch cushions. chuuya heaves another sigh, perching on the armrest beside you. 

you remain silent for a long time, until chuuya turns to see you sniffle, shiny eyes downcast. 

“i miss him, chuu.”

he doesn’t have to ask to know who you’re talking about.

it’s not uncommon for this kind of thing to happen. wine with dinner turns into a few too many drinks, and the influx of alcohol turns you into an emotional mess. 

it’s usually this subject that comes up. sometimes it’s different things; the stress bubbling up from work, how long it’s been since you’ve seen your family, how afraid you are of the future, things like that. but more often than not, your mind always comes back to the empty space in your heart that osamu dazai left behind.

“i know you do,” chuuya replies, releasing one long exhale. he wishes he could say ‘so do i’, for the simple comfort that you aren’t suffering alone. but chuuya doesn’t lie, especially not to you. 

he slides down the armrest to settle on the couch beside you, pressing his warm side against yours to give some of the comfort you so desperately seek on nights like these. 

“why did he leave?”

chuuya frowns. “it’s no use wondering now, you know. he did what he did and that was the end of it.”

he knows the words are harsh, but it’s worse for you to think so hard on things that happened so long ago. or worse, for you to think that it was your fault dazai left. 

guilt shrivels up his heart when he looks down at you, at the tears swimming in your big, sad eyes. 

“don’t…don’t cry,” chuuya says, crease appearing between his brows. he could never stand to see you crying. 

you sniffle, biting your lip and blinking to dispel the tears. when you speak, your voice is a ghostly whisper. “do you think…do you think he misses us?”

chuuya bites the inside of his cheek so hard he tastes blood. 

“not me. but you…” he pauses, thinking it over. “maybe.”

you inhale shakily and chuuya can feel you tremble against his side. 

his guilt gives in to anger, bubbling up inside his chest until he bursts out. “well, fuck him! we’re better off without him, okay?”

“okay.”

you don’t sound very convinced. and to be honest, neither is chuuya. 

sometimes—and it’s an outrageous, dirty, traitorous thought—chuuya thinks you should have gone with him. he would’ve felt like a desolate, unlovable piece of shit if you had left with dazai, but at least you’d maybe be happy. and chuuya would live a million miserable existences if it meant you would be happy. 

but then you nuzzle your head further into his arm, effectively using him as a pillow, and all those depressing thoughts vanish from chuuya’s head. the warmth of your body against his almost brings a smile to his face.

no, he thinks, feeling a surge of protectiveness over you. he wouldn’t trade this for the world. and he wouldn’t leave you like dazai did, not for anything. 

and you didn’t go with him, anyway. you chose to stay. with chuuya. and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

i think this one’s shorter than the dazai one 🥲 i hope it’s still a decent read 🫶 chuuya makes me feel things. i live for longing and pining and mixed signals. lmk what other stuff you guys might wanna see from me <333

[opbackgrounds]

Do you think Luffy was thinking about Sabo any before he punched Charlos? Does he even know about Sabo's relationship with the CDs and his apparent death at their hands (if I'm remembering that correctly)?

personally, no. I think he was fully in the moment enraged at what was happening in front of him. The only time I think Luffy might have been thinking about Sabo while making a big choice like this so far is Enies Lobby when he said he understood Robin’s enemy.

And I don’t think he can know the cause of Sabo’s apparent death, because he did need to have the CDs explained to him at the beginning of the arc and you’d think that’s something he’d remember, but I’ll be honest I haven’t read the Luffy flashback in a long while so I’m not sure.

[cheriladycl01]

Fan Zone Fanatic - Lando Norris x Anxiety! Reader

Plot: You love taking the F1 bracelets off of fans because you will play with them whenever you get anxious and they are a source of comfort for you now.

(I literally do this with my bracelets lmao)

One thing you absolutely adored was fan interaction. As much as you got really anxious in large crowds with overstimulating sounds and smells, you loved helping give gifts to Lando and guide him to younger fans with caps pushed to the back and hold his own hand for comfort when he too got overwhelmed from the amount of people yelling his name.

Right now you were at the gates to the paddock and you were walking through hand in hand with Lando. When you saw a load of fans at the entrance.

“Lando! Lando”

“Come sign my helmet please”

“Lando I have something for you”

“Y/N”

Loads of voices came at one, you smile at Lando and nod your head over to the fans starting to drag him over to the fencing.

“Omg Y/N” one cries handing you a pretty generic McLaren hat, you take it to pass to Lando until she shakes her head.

“I want you to sign it! I’ve already got Landos” she smiles and you laugh, loving that people wanted your signature too.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to ruin it!” You smile kindly at her and she nods again. You sign it and then she pulls a clip of the friendship bracelets out.

“Please take one” she smiles and beofre you know it, you have loads of girls gifting you friendship bracelets off their bags.

Before you know it, you have all sorts of bracelets covering your arms.

There was mainly Lando and McLaren ones, but a few Chili or Enjoy the butterfly’s ones snuck their way onto your wrist that when you were showing Lando all of them once you got into the paddock he was laughing so hard.

“I think my fans love you more than they love me if I’m being honest, they’re always so sweet and respectful to you” he smiles as he shifts through the bracelets before he finds one with your name on it that he takes off your own wrists and places it on his own. “This one im keeping” he comments.

“I think I might head to the fanzone today, deck myself out in McLaren merch and just see what happens” you grin and he looks at you with a furrowed brow.

“Are you sure baby? I don’t think that’s a great idea, you’ve never experienced the fans without a barrier or anything …” he offers and you nod your head knowing what your getting yourself into.

“I know but I want to interact and I’m kind of obsessed with these bracelets now and I kind of want more of them!” You nod having made up your mind fully with a small smile matching it.

“Okay baby, but just keep one of the security with you. Just so they can help you out if needed. You don’t have to walk with them but just keep them close yeah? Take Dave, you like Dave right?” Lando says immediately concerned about you.

“I’ll take Dave just for you’re own piece of mind” you tease lightly nudging him before you take his team hat and grab one of his spare team tops.

“How do i look” you say with a twirl before ending with a hand in your hip.

“Beautiful” Lando mutters with heart eyes as he looks over at you.

Lando if he was being honest, never had it so good. You were literally perfect in his eyes. You treated him so well, and there wasn’t a singular moment he didn’t feel lucky to experience the weird and wonderful phenomena we call life.

“Stop it, you’re making me blush” you comment and he just laughs before kissing your cheek and sending you off.

“Don’t be gone too long okay! And check in with me! Please?” He asks.

“Ooooo wait can I buy some hats and get you to sign them please?!? I can hand them out in exchange for bracelets” you grin and before you know it you’ve got Lando signing as many hats as you could possibly fit in one bag.

He ended up signing 60 hats in the span of 20 minutes which is pretty impressive, considering he has to break to make out with you for 5 of those. Lando was an exceptionally clingy boyfriend.

Eventually you leave waving goodbye to him and smiling.

You walk out of the paddock entrance and around to the main gate. Where you’ve got the sunglasses and baseball cap on, it’s kind of hard to notice who you actually are so you were pretty confident that you could walk through pretty happily.

You noticed Dave, not too close and not too far. You walked into the fan zone seeing all the stools and shops with merch from different teams and the smell of the greasy hot dogs and chips.

You were just walking looking through one of the McLaren stands and about to pick up a Lando Norris t-shirt when a small tap was felt on your thigh. You turn round seeing a little girl, maybe 6 or 7.

“Hiya” you smile and the mum asks if you want to trade bracelets. You nod happily and show her your arms of the ones you had and she sees the LN4 one with his helmet design.

“Oh that’s a good one, Landos helmet” you grin and smile at her kindly taking it off your own wrist and putting it around hers.

“Woah you have so many” you laugh lightly seeing up to her elbows covered in them.

“Take two if you would like” the mum smiles and you nod.

“Why don’t you choose one for me, and then I’ll choose another one?” You ask the young girl and she nods excitedly looking over her arms before picking out a Max one.

“Max huh” you grin taking the MaxV33 off her and pulling it around your own wrist.

“I think I’ll take this one too, my goal today is to get one of every driver” you smile and she grins seeing you take the Zhou Guanyu one.

“I also have something I want to give you from Lando” you grin and she looks excited.

You pull out the signed hat and she squeals, looking over the signature.

“Thank you thank you thank you!” She grins and pulls you into a hug. You laugh back and go to offer the mum one, but she politely shakes her head.

“Keep them for the youngsters” she smiles and you nod. The little girl finally lets go and hands the old hat back to her mum before putting the new signed on.

“Awww look at that! You look so cool!” You exclaim and the girl giggles more.

You say goodbye and get back to shopping. You end up buying an overpriced Lando top despite you wearing official staff uniform as of right now and thank the very shocked worker who asks for you picture once you’ve payed. You offer her a hat but refuses as she got one earlier before her shift from the paddock entrance.

You head into the heart of the fanzone where the sims are and all the other interactive stuff they put on for the fans. You can hear music from the massive stage, which is slowly starting to fill up.

20 minutes until Ferrari on stage.

1 hour till McLaren on stage. You knew you were going to go there for the McLaren one.

“Y/N?” You hear from you far left and see 3 girls with two guys behind them.

You smile happily jog over to them.

“Hey!” You grin and one of the girls squeals.

“Do you want some of our bracelets we brought way to many!” The girls admit showing you their bags full of the beaded bracelets.

“How long did this take you guys! These are incredible” you smile looking at all the different colours and types and the fact some had crystals on them. And all the funny messages rather than drivers names.

“Oh it’s nothing, just something we like to do in our free time!” One of the girls nods.

“They’re lying it took them days to prepare these for the race” one of the guys admits and you nod knowing that was far more accurate.

“How many can I take?” You ask looking at them, it was strange because even though these girls looked in their teens and younger than you they were all a lot taller than you. Making you feel kind of strange looking upwards at almost all of them.

“As many as you want” you start to look through. You burst out laughing at one that says Muppet 1 and Muppet 2 in one of the girls bags.

“Can i take both and give one to Lando so we’re matching” and she nods enthusiastically at the thought of Lando himself having one of her bracelets.

“Omg yes! Please please! Do you erm speak to any of the other drivers?” She asks and you nod, you were close with loads of the drivers. Especially their girlfriend as you were a social floater, sometimes you went out shopping with Alexandra, Charles girlfriend. Or going for brunch with Carmen, golfing with Lily or out to dinner with Oscar and his Lily.

“I do, why do you want me to give something?” You ask politely and she nods handing you a T-shirt. You open it up to see a funny print of George Russell T-Posing.

“I’ll make sure when I get back to the paddock to give this to George” you smile and she thanks you profusely.

You got to the next girls bag and find a Yuki Tsunoda One, and a Lando one that was of his Miami win. It had a little palm tree dangly on it and you knew you just had to take it.

And in the last one you picked out a Charles Leclerc and Ferrari one.

“This may seem rude but I don’t want to trade to many bracelets off, I want to keep as many as possible but I have other gifts” you smile and pull 5 signed caps out the bag handing one to each of them.

“They’re signed by Lando” you smile and they all looked shocked and one almost starts to tear up.

“Can I hug you?” One of them asks before you nod and pull her into a hug. You get a group photo before they run off all having really happy faces.

This is why you were so happy to do this, just seeing that smile on random peoples faces knowing you’d made them feel like that was so rewarding.

You walk to the sim racers and see loads of people on them, trying to get in good laps. You were utterly hopeless on Landos at home so there was no way you were trying it here and making a fool out of yourself.

“Girlie! You want a bracelet!” A voice from behind you says and you turn to look.

A girl comes running up to you, showing the clip of beads in front of you.

The afternoon continued like that. You took bracelets and gave people hats in exchange for them. You were thankful nobody had posted the pictures you’d taken with them yet, so it still didn’t feel like you were having people actively come try and find you.

You make your way to the stage seeing it’s pretty empty now that Ferrari have gone and you stand right by the fence where Lando will be able to see you. There’s two guys in McLaren hats next to you, one in a Lando one and one in a Danny Ric one.

“Damn that’s some fossil merch” you joke and they turn to look at you seeing you’re get up. They laugh and nod explaining how they live McLaren but Danny is their driver.

“Who do you support?” One of them asks before his mate bursts out laughing.

“Dude that Lando’s girlfriend” the other one with the DR3 McLaren hat laughs. And you laugh with him before the guys fully takes a look over you and flushes Red.

“I’m so so sorry” he says.

“It’s fine, but of course my driver is Yuki Tsunoda” you tease and they both laugh. You have a nice conversation with them, you’d get Lando to sign their hats when he was on stage.

The guys were really nice, just asking you questions about the paddock on racing and how long you’d followed the sport and it was nice just talking.

However the more people started to fill up the more you got anxious. Unconsciously your hand started to fiddle with the bracelets, lightly snapping them against your skin or pushing the beads from one place to another. The feeling giving you a certain kind of comfort to stimulate you enough that it was a distraction from all the noise around you.

All of a sudden the music gets louder beofre Naomi Schiff comes out to introduce the drivers to the now packed in crowd.

“Hello, how are we all feeling out there? Little warm today isn’t it. We’ll all of you keep hydrated nearest water station is up to your right” she indicates.

“Now without further or do, let’s find your drivers. Here for McLaren, Oscar Piastri and LANDO NORRIS” she calls and both the papaya boys come jogging out onto the stage.

“Hello Lando, Hello Oscar, how are you guys today?” She asks and both of them nod.

“Yeah really good, it’s pretty warm but we’re excited to be here” Lando says and Oscar nods in agreement.

“Yes, I think I’ve drunk 3 big bottles of water and two cans of monster” Oscar jokes and everyone in the crowd laughs.

“Enjoy the summer break?” She asks and they both nod.

“Yeah I got to spend lots of time with my girlfriend in England, and we …” Oscar starts but is interrupted by Lando.

“Oooo girlfriend, your girlfriend” Lando teases making Oscar go bright red in embarrassment.

“Says you, you wouldn’t shut up about Y/N” Oscar pushes back making Lando just laugh. The boys beside you starts whopping and cheering your name trying to point you out and draw attention to the fact your here.

People start to catch on and help to point you out, making you duck your head down in embarrassment as you laugh.

“Oh look Lando we’ve got some fans calling your name over here, oh wait. Is that … Lando is that Y/N” she says holding her que cards above her head to stop the glare of the sun to her eyes so she can get s better look at you.

You smile and wave being very familiar with the woman.

“Oh you’re right, give it up for Landos girlfriend everyone” Naomi cheers and you blush.

“Hi baby” Lando smiles shyly waving at you making you wave back.

“Wait did you chance tops?” He laughs seeing you now in the Lando Norris official team t-shirt. You nod and he just laughs shaking his head.

Before you know it he’s jumped down and is coming over to you. He pulls you into a hug, before signing some stuff around you and going back up to where Oscar is.

“Well, what did you do over the summer. You and Y/N were very present online” she adds knowing you always loved to post online what you and Lando did as it served as memories to share with a wider community.

Also a lot of what you posted have the fans a fix of their delulu needs which you were always happy to do.

“We want to Boa Vista and then we saw Martin Garrix a good friend play in Ibiza, we saw some of the other drivers there too. Went to a Taylor Swift concert, went to Bali and now we’re back here and racing” he grins and you smile at the thought of the summer holidays with Lando.

“Awww well sounds like you had a lovely time and you’re nice and relaxed ready to get racing again. How does it feel knowing how close you are to a championship with Max?” She asks and he nods.

“Looking for a good result this weekend but with my lucky charm here I’m hoping for a win” he nods and after some more questions posed to Oscar and Lando people start to leave the minute they are off the stage.

You keep a hold on one of the bracelets going behind the stage to where Lando is waiting for you. Dave helps you get past the majority of the crowd who some ask for pictures with you and more bracelets are given to you.

You round the corner into the VIP second and a Lando immediately comes up to you wrapping you in a hug.

“That was nice seeing you it there, but I was terrified the whole time with how cramped in you all looked” he admits as he kisses your temple.

“Look how many bracelets I got! Oooo look I have one for you too, a matching one with me” you grin and hand him the muppet number 1 and show him your muppet number 2.

“These are brilliant. I’m happy you enjoyed yourself.” He smiles and walks you over to the car to take you to the paddock.

Going forward you actually wore those bracelets given to you all the time. You and Lando wore the muppet ones everyday but you would change up which ones you’d wear on your other wrist each day but you always made sure you had one especially when you knew it was going to be an anxiety filled day.

The fans would never know how much these bracelets meant to you but you were so thankful.

Taglist:

@littlebitchsposts @hockey-racing-fubol @laura-naruto-fan1998 @22yuki @simxican @sinofwriting @lewisroscoelove @cmleitora @daemyratwst @lauralarsen @the-untamed-soul @thewulf @itsjustkhaos @purplephantomwolf @chasing-liberosis @summissss @gulphulp @starfusionsworld @jspitwall @sierruhhhh @georgeparisole @youcannotcancelquidditch @tallbrownhairsarcastic @ourteenagetragedy @peachiicherries @formulas-bitch @cherry-piee @spilled-coffee-cup @mehrmonga @eiraethh @curseofhecate @alliwantisadonut @dark-night-sky-99 @i-wish-this-was-me @tallrock35 @butterfly-lover @barnestatic @landossainz @darleneslane @barcelonaloverf1life @r0nnsblog @ilove-tswizzle @laneyspaulding19 @malynn @landosgirlxoxo @marie0v @yourbane @teamnovalak @nikfigueiredo @fionaschicken @0picels0 @tinydeskwriter @ironmaiden1313 @splaterparty0-0 @formula1mount

[lailawinchesterr]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ dean winchester liking someone tough…

gn!reader, masterlist

dean winchester meeting you and he just can’t get through to you. sammy accepts dean’s love easily and the gestures and his sweet words (if he ever gives them), you don’t accept a cup of coffee unless you pay him back and it gets on his nerves. 

you hunt one time with them— total accident, and he just thinks, wow, most gorgeous person he’s ever see — and you’re asking sam if his brother has issues because he’s been staring & you don’t wanna bring it up.

sam kinda laughs, dean kinda wants to throw himself out on the highway. sam assures you his brother just likes you, you scoff and walk away— dean wishes he could burn his eyes out. being rejected is one thing, being treated like that? totally other thing he’s never dealt with and is not ready to deal with.

the rest of the case is fine and thankfully, you’re a research kind of hunter so you spend most of it with sam. he’d think with all that… whatever you’ve been doing, you’re more hands on. (whatever you’ve been doing being not flirting with him, what’s wrong with you?)

“sammy, they give you their number?” he asks when they get in the impala to head back to the bunker and his little asshole of a brother nods. nods like it’s so damn casual. it isn’t. you didn’t offer dean your number.

so he shrugs it off but he knows it’s not over. sam does too, unfortunately, but he can’t focus on his embarrassment for now. he heard you saying something about visiting a city when you’re done with the hunt so this man spends hours looking for cities that start with the letter ‘g’ that might be anywhere near the vicinity of pennsylvania. he finds a few, tosses a coin, does some research, and great, a couple of hearts went missing a few towns over from where you’re staying.

he rushes sam out of the bunker two weeks later and on the drive to god knows where with the werewolf problem, he stops at a motel.

“you— you need to stop? are you serious?”

“a man needs his rest, sam.”

“not you.” dean shrugs like he’s not shocking his brother to next week and they set up in a motel for the night. he finishes brushing his teeth before making a noise like he just had an idea. 

“sammy, remember the hunter from the wendigo case?”

“…yeah it’s only been two weeks dean. you remember their name.”

“sure. whatever. we should call them, right? we’re close by.”

“how would you know—”

“i just do—”

“dean just call them yourself, man. i have their number in my cell.”

“no no, they gave it to you.”

“yeah, ‘cause you were in the car. just call them—”

“fine! god, you’re annoying.” and he slams the bathroom door so sam doesn’t see the sweat running down his face. he’s not scared— okay maybe a little intimidated, but you’re so… put together and you know what you want and if you didn’t give dean your number then surely you meant to do it, right?

when he’s out of the bathroom he uses sam’s phone to call you. it’s an honest accident. in his hurry to not back out, he forgot to switch phones. “hello.” your voice comes through when the call connects and he’s thinking of— “sam? you there?”

“h—hey. yeah, no, not sam.” he clears his throat and he hears you laugh and he thinks his heart melts.

“dean? hey, how are you?”

“great, ‘m good. just, we were, y’know, workin’ on a case nearby—”

“near where?”

“where you are, and i thought i’d call, ask if you wanna join us.”

“sure. but where’s that again?”

“geneva.”

“dean, i’m not anywhere near geneva.”

“what? but you said—”

“i said genesee.” he shuts his eyes aggressively, panicking, trying to think of what to say. “but it’s— i didn’t know you listened.”

“yeah apparently i didn’t do it well enough.”

“‘s fine, i can be there in a few days if y’all are still having trouble with it.” he perks up, sighing in relief.

“yeah, yeah, that sounds good, we’re on our way so it could take us a day or so.” and when you promise him you’ll call in a few days he can’t help but hang up with a smile on his face. and a middle finger thrown to the grinning sam in the corner.

he tells sam that he wants the day off when he wakes up and sam’s thisclose to calling everyone he knows to ask where the real dean is. but he already gets it. dean likes you, he doesn’t want to finish the hunt early in hopes that you’ll join them again and honestly sam looked at the facts and the werewolf is as much of a threat as a vacuum cleaner.

seeing as he’s frickin locked up in jail like any normal murderer. not that they know he’s not normal— the point is, sam saw that and gaped at dean like he was crazy. he drove them six hours (there still four more to go) for a werewolf that’s already locked up and if he hasn’t escaped yet then it’s because he’s stupid enough to stay locked. they don’t need to go kill him.

but dean insists and sam kind of doesn’t mind the vacation from the stuffy bunker. dean enjoys the day, eats, looks around, makes sure they’re not needed and they spend another night before heading out. when you meet up with them another day later sam notices dean’s shaved two days early and he combed his hair. his brother, dean winchester, combed his hair.

“hey,” dean greets you with a wave and you move in to hug sam first then him. deans surprised, not taking you for the type, but it seems he’s been very misinformed about you.

“so, what’s up? i didn’t actually get to read anything on my way here.”

“oh, it’s—” sam’s about to tell you it’s nothing, the guys locked up but dean cuts him off.

“we should get breakfast first, we’ll talk about it then?” you nod, ready to get back in your car when dean speaks up, “we could drive you. it’d be easier if we’re all in one car.”

when you decline his offer, saying you can’t go anywhere without your girl, he thinks he just fell in love. he’s blushing out of both embarrassment at the rejection and the adoring look he knows is painting his face at hearing how much you care about your car.

at the diner you’re about to order before dean groans, slamming his hand on his thigh and tsk’ing, making you frown across from him. “they locked him up. the guys locked up, looks like he wasn’t much of a threat.”

sam barely holds his laugh in. that’s why he didn’t want him telling you? he’s lying his way to a date with you? sam can’t wait to see it go down.

“oh. that sucks, we came all the way here for nothing. i can take care of it, i know you guys have been on the road longer, lebanons a long way from here.”

dean shakes his head quickly. “nah, we’ll go, you just got here today.” you tilt your head in confusion.

“you’ve been here for more than a day? and you didn’t find out he’s been arrested?”

dean’s eyes narrow like he doesn’t understand what you’re saying. he’s about to ask for clarification before the waitress comes and he thanks the heavens above. strictly looks at his menu while speaking to her so she doesn’t get the wrong idea like he eh us usually do, and ignores sam the entire time he’s asking you about anything and everything.

halfway through you notice you’re mostly talking and ask sam some things, he happily replies through gritted teeth since dean is kicking him under the table.

after breakfast you thank them and you’re about to get back in your car, since there’s clearly no case here, before you turn around. “dean?”

he hums in response, and sam takes it as his cue to scream into the impala, you walk over to dean, both hands on his biceps, “how about next time you just ask me out? you didn’t need to drive all this way.”

dean blushing is the understatement of the century as you slap his chest twice and walk away. he memorized your plates.

idk what this is but yay! it’s done! hopefully it pulls me out of my block because i can’t write anything good for the life of me.

also guys ugh i wish i could describe it better and if you have any ideas tell me but the narrowing his eyes thing was me trying to describe the look he gave jody when she was talking about sex and ‘wha’ face SO CUTE

[prinzrupprecht]

When someone else gives you gifts

Featuring: Okita, Sasaki, Loki, and Anubis ( part 3 )

I’m doing young Sasaki instead of 60 year old dilf Sasaki. For those that don’t know who Tatsunosuke was. He is an actual character in chapter 5 Chiruran.

Read part 1 and 2 for the other characters

TW: some possessive tendencies, and cute/fluff moments and hurt/comfort

Okita

Everyone from the Kondo’s dojo always teased how Souji liked you even though he denied it. A part of you hoped that he does like you more than a friend. Deep down it always hurt hearing how he always said you two were just friends.

You decided to visit Tatsunosuke who was a sick young boy dying from a fatal lung disease. He reminded you of Souji a lot and he was nice to you. He was the son of a high-ranking samurai at the military centre. He was too far gone for any treatment to work. “Here, you shouldn’t move much.” You went to hand him a mug of herbal tea.

“I don’t think I’ll be here much longer,” he was breathing heavily and his condition looked to be worse than the last time you saw him. You didn’t say anything and thought back how he never looked down on you for being a part of another dojo.

He went to grab his wakizashi and looked down at it. The scabbard was red and the guard was silver. “I want you to have it and remember me when I’m no longer here.” He put it in your hands. It was painful but you silently accepted it. This might be the last you see him.

Tatsunosuke was like a younger brother to you but the others from Kondo’s dojo thought you were dating him which was embarrassing sometimes. Souji on the other hand never said anything about your visits with the dying boy. As you forbid your farewell with him and left to return back to the Shieikan dojo. You saw a few of the kids playing outside. “Where have you been?” A voice asked you from behind.

“Hi to you as well?” You saw how he looked irritated while giving you a murderous stare. You avoided the question. Souji knew but wanted you to be honest. Did you like Tatsunosuke? Were you seeing him as if you two were dating? What pissed him off more was the unknown wakizashi you were holding. It looked oddly familiar as if Souji hadn’t studied the boy you liked hanging out with.

“No need to give me that look, Souji-san. You know where I was at. Besides, where are those fan girls that normally come around here?” You weren’t making the situation better.

“They don’t mean anything to me unlike what he means to you,” he muttered while his gaze met with the ground. You wanted to say something else. You always found comfort with Souji more but Tatsunosuke was dying and didn’t have many friends close to him. He tried to move past you to go back inside the dojo and probably avoid you for the rest of the week.

“Souji wait!” you called out to him. He stopped and waited for you to say something without turning his head to look at you.

“He… he doesn’t mean as much to me as you do. He’s dying and doesn’t have much time left to live.” You wanted to grab ahold of his sleeve but the wakizashi gift still irked him. He would have to give you something better for you to protect yourself. Was he acting jealous over this boy? He met him once or twice and beat him without trying in practice training.

Souji unexpectedly turned his head and smiled. “It’s fine, I would get you something better for you to protect yourself. Maybe me perhaps?” Was this his awful way of flirting with you? Huh? Him protect you? That doesn’t sound too bad.

Without a second thought, you wrapped your arms around him accepting that offer. “How about we put a label on us?” It was about time you two would stop denying it around the others and are official and he’d be your only gift.

Sasaki

During the closing years of the Sengoku period, you had met some interesting people and one in particular caught your attention. Sasaki Kojiro. He was a bit skinny but his determination to keep fighting had made you curious about this young man.

You were just some odd woman training in the same dojo as him. It was Toda’s dojo and it was owned by Seigen. You saw him enter the dojo late like usual and took a smacking by the owner’s nephew like usual. “Sasaki-san, you should take this dojo seriously if you want to get stronger,” you light-heartedly sighed.

You and him sparred a bit but he normally gave up and said you were stronger than him. It made you wonder if you were strong or if he was just weak. You saw how he sparred with Kagekatsu numerous of times and forfeits the matches normally. “Sasaki-san, why don’t you actually try and put in your all?” You pouted but he awkwardly laughed and said there was no point because if he were to fight you a hundred times you would still beat him. Huh?!

Sasaki was always one to follow you around like a lost puppy in the dojo which was cute and you admired that side of him. He wanted to get better but his confidence wasn’t there. His training lacked so you were certain he was either going to be kicked from the dojo or he would train elsewhere. You wanted him to stay and not slack off. You would help him if he would take your help but he doesn’t want it. He said it numerous of times.

After a few weeks had gone by of not seeing Sasaki you were growing more and more upset. Did he already quit? Give up with the sword? One of the members of the dojo gave you a kimono robe and said it was a gift for your hard work. The kimono was patterned and made with silk and not cloth. You had no idea whether to accept it but it was better than what you normally wore. Short baggy pants and shirts with no sleeves.

You had left the dojo to see if you could find Sasaki. You were worried someone could’ve killed him with the time he was gone. Yet after some time wandering the woods, you heard ruffling from a few leaves and saw a rabbit. Then what surprised you was Sasaki jumping to catch it from behind. “Wh—what the hell?! What are you doing?” You were furious how he was turning into some animal.

“Haha, what are you doing here? I was training,” he scratched the back of his head. You sighed and sat down on a fallen log.

“Sasaki-san, I was worried you were killed from the missing weeks you stopped coming back.” You mumbled and the truth was you didn’t want him to disappear from your life.

“I would… eventually return when I feel like it. Besides what is this? I have never seen you wear something like this before,” he walked up to you and touched the sleeve of the robe.

“Someone from the dojo gave it to me for my hard work. I don’t feel like I deserve it though, and you look like you need new clothes eventually.” You scolded him for always getting dirty.

“Oh well, I actually wanted to get you something… nicer. I guess someone else beat me to it.” Sasaki was giving up already? Your left eye twitched.

“There’s no limit to who can give me things. How about I take you somewhere to eat properly that isn’t raw bunnies and snakes?” You stood up and grabbed the front of his kimono. Sasaki admired how you were persistent and wanted to check up on him when no one else has.

“I don’t eat them raw… I still cook the meat.” He raised his hands up in defence.

“Agh, never mind. Let’s go somewhere and this time I’ll watch over you.” He didn’t say anything after that but a part of him was happy and he would prove to you one day that he would take care of you better than anyone else.

Loki

You were incredibly close to Loki and had long accepted him for who he was. His tricks never worked on you and you can easily tell if he shape-shifts into someone else. He wasn’t that unpredictable. You could tell he had a troubled past that he wouldn’t tell anyone, not even you.

As the two of you resided in the same Asgard palace, Loki liked to follow you around even if he was disguised as small animals that would not be in your peripheral sight. He couldn’t help but grow irritated by how some of the guards would joke with you and talk so freely around you.

One of the guards gave you a ring and this made Loki snap on the inside. This guard— was he proposing to you?! He didn’t want to out himself that he was spying on you or else this could strain your friendship. He wanted to kill the guard for trying to steal you from him.

He found you alone in the library reading and this was the time to ask you if you feel the same way as he did for you. Love? He couldn’t deny how utterly in love he was with you even if it was obnoxious or just infatuation.

You heard him enter the room and turned your head. “Loki? What are you doing?” Your calm voice eased his anger from what he saw earlier. Confusion was written on his face. You weren’t wearing the ring?

“Ya I— I was bored and wanted to see you!” He tried to give you one of his not-so-innocent smiles. He was hiding something and you knew it.

“What is it?” Your expression grew more serious and Loki grabbed your shoulders.

“It’s just— I want us to be more than what we are now." you couldn’t deny how you had never seen this desperate side of him. Was he playing with you?

“Don’t play with my feelings, Loki. Whatever this trick is—"

“I’m not playing any trick! I swear— I swear I wanted to kill that guard from earlier who tried to propose to you.” What?!

“You admitted to spying on me? And Balder wasn’t proposing to me, you idiot. It was one of those rings that can open portals for fast transportation.” You had no idea why Loki was so upset but he looked a bit more at ease. So he might’ve been telling the truth.

“So— sorry, I assumed too quick…” he was embarrassed but now you know how he feels when he’s around you.

You walked over to him and wrapped your arms around his waist. “You shouldn’t have hidden your feelings from me like how you hide yourself in different forms,” you smiled genuinely. Loki was frozen in place but reciprocated your comfort by keeping you in his arms. It was better than feeling as he did before assuming others wanted you just as badly as he did.

“How about I make you mine completely?” he tilted your chin up and gave you a smug look as if he was hinting at something else.

“We can take it slow, no need to rush things." you lifted the palm of your hand to touch his cheek. Even though he frowned at your words, he still had you at the end of the day.

Anubis

You were his, and he made sure everyone knew that. As you resided in the Aaru, the heavenly paradise for the Egyptian pantheon. Some of the other Egyptian gods didn’t like messing with the hyper-energetic god of funerals. He was strong and devoted to being your loyal guardian and companion.

He expresses his feelings a lot and doesn’t hide things from you. Something about him made you more drawn to the god. He saw something in you that even you couldn’t see yourself. Were you as perfect as he always tells you?

You didn’t believe it. As some moments passed, you found Bastet and Hathor whispering to each other in the main hall. They stopped and saw you staring at them. Bastet snickered and called you a pet. “I uhm… was looking for lord Ra—" you were interrupted.

“He’s not looking for you nor cares what you want. Tell me what it is and if it’s important I’ll relay the message to him.” Hathor stared down at you as she had her arms crossed. Bastet smirked and you knew in the back of your head that these two never liked you.

“Sorry.. it’s not important.” You lied as it wasn’t any use to talk to them. You needed to tell Ra that Osiris left the Aaru without permission. You went to leave but Bastet spoke up.

“What does my nephew see in you? Is it your pretty eyes? Face? Hair? Hmm… maybe something else? Are you two fu—"

“No—! It’s none of that. I— I don’t know exactly. We’re good friends! That’s all… I think.” You raised your hands up but Bastet wasn’t done interrogating you. Hathor pulled her back and told her there was no reason to start a fight.

Good friends? Bastet heard Anubis call you his consort on numerous occasions. Even Osiris and Set disapprove of his behaviours and obsession with you. Yet you called him a close friend? Or were you embarrassed?

“Here take this and think of it as a small courtesy thing, and go level your head a bit. Sorry about my sister.” Hathor passed you a bottle of red wine, but the worst thing was, that you had never drank before. Only higher authority gods were allowed to. You were just a simple deity of the pantheon. It was no wonder no one approves of you around here.

You walked back to your corridors with a frown on your face. Were the other gods right? You were unworthy of Anubis’s attention? It brought you discomfort for some reason and the fact he says he loves you a lot without thinking made you believe that he knew what the emotion was. Yet you wondered if you feel the same back? Some of the women and maids would try to get his attention but he acts oblivious to their advances.

You decided you wouldn’t drink since it wasn’t your thing. Anubis was lying on the bed in your room. “Why are you in my room?” You put the bottle on one of the stands in the corner. You didn’t expect him to be waiting for you, well it’s not the first time.

“I really really wanted to wait for you. I couldn’t find you so I decided to wait here instead.” He jumped off the bed like an excited animal. You couldn’t help but blush a bit at his excitement.

“Well, I ran into your aunts in the hall and Hathor gifted me this.” You picked up the bottle to show him and he stuck out his tongue in disgust. He was exaggerating. You quickly chuckled. You can tell he hated the taste of alcohol.

“Yuck yuck yuck! I should tell them to not give you this stuff!” He pouted but you sat on the bed and had already decided that you weren’t going to drink— at least not try it in front of him. Anubis looked unhappy and you had walked over to him and asked him if he was upset that they tried to get you drunk. He looked a bit flustered but he wasn’t entirely stupid. Part of the reason was that he doesn’t like others giving things to you. The wine could’ve had poison in it.

“It’s nothing! It’s nothing, let’s just cuddle!” He pulled you down on the mattress and was suffocating you with his arms squeezing around your body.

He soon forgotten why he was mad since you were with him in his arms. His soon-to-be wife for sure.

Note: this is the end of part 3! I saw a request in my box for Valkyries and it intrigued me that if I do a part 4, I’ll probably do side characters and Valkyries but they’ll probably be shorter than normal.

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

We've suddenly got an abundance of shows with dark themes and adult vibes, with a bit of a mixed bag on their execution. These are available for weekly streaming on Gaga unless otherwise noted.

Smells Like Green Spirit

A fan subber came through and we are now able to watch this show on a slight delay from the airing in Japan. This first episode was great, but be warned that this is not a light watch. This show is less a full blown romance and more of a queer coming of age story with a rather bleak worldview that will likely include a romance subplot. Our story centers on Mishima, a young person who is questioning their gender and just trying to live while being constantly targeted by school bullies. The bullying in this show is graphic and violent and Mishima has already been assaulted and targeted by creeps in the first episode, so take care and ask for content warnings if you need them. I have read the manga so I'm aware of what's in store--if you would like to know what to expect before watching, feel free to ask.

Happy of the End

CWs: Assault, attempted murder, blood, death, forced fellatio/rape (against a main character, graphically depicted more than once), revenge porn, sexual coercion and exploitation, stabbing, suicide attempt, suicide, violence

We have arrived at the end of this story, and it did not quite come together for me. I liked a lot of what it was doing; the relationship between Chihiro and Haoren giving them both a reason to persist despite their general apathy toward survival was compelling, and the actors gave strong performances in some very difficult scenes. I thought the show had a strong sense of style and tone, as well. But for me, it crossed the line into over the top trauma porn one too many times, seeming to revel in making the characters suffer and piling on unnecessary traumas that were depicted quite graphically, making the show deeply unpleasant to watch. And in the end, it suddenly veered into a happy ending that felt like a mismatch for the rest of the story, which was achieved via a time skip and Chihiro and Haoren healing offscreen despite their circumstances only getting worse over the course of the show. @bengiyo laid out why that ending felt like the show pulling its punches, and I agree. I can appreciate a story that has an established bleak worldview telling us about a specific time in these characters' lives where they mattered to each other, but slapping that unearned epilogue on it just makes the whole thing feel like torture porn followed by cheap consolation. It didn't feel honest. I don’t recommend watching this one unless you are pretty comfortable with gratuitous sexual violence.

Love is Like a Poison

We’re zipping along nicely, with this week’s episode mostly focused on the case that Haruto helped Shiba win. That courtroom scene was wild. I’m intrigued by all the advances and the early confession from Haruto, because as we and Shiba well know, the man is a con. What’s his angle, and why does he think romancing Shiba is the way to get it? Whatever he’s after, I think Shiba should give in because look at him!

Chaser Game W 2

This week we met Itsuki’s first love Yoreum, who is now a famous Korean idol and still hung up on her from back when she did a homestay with Itsuki’s family. She did a livestream from Itsuki’s cafe in the special spot where Itsuki and Fuyu like to canoodle; jealousy and dramatics ensued. Then suddenly we were doing an elevator rescue? Idek. I’m rooting for the new girl to break this couple up to be honest.

[giddlygoat]

laughter and shared smiles came so easily between them. from where ford lay on his side on the bed, he had the perfect view: a giggling fiddleford sprawled out lazily beside him, absentmindedly twirling a lock of beard with one pinky finger. it was downright adorable - almost like a snapshot from a bygone era - and ford treasured the sight. 

a kind of soberness suddenly washed over fiddleford, and his eyes became wide. “i jus’ remembered,” he said, barely, looking down. ford somewhat fixed his lax position on the bed in the hopes of expressing his undivided attention. 

fiddleford smiled sadly. “you’d pet my back when i laid facin’ you. it relaxed you.” 

ford felt his face get warm, as if he were the same awkward college kid and not 58 years too old for that. “…yes. it did.” he said dumbly. 

“what did i do when i needed to relax?” fiddleford asked, and his cadence was just too casual for a question like that. like it wasn’t all that important. ford felt something sour curl deep within him. 

“you’d… well, i… i’m not sure. you were always anxious about something.” ford wished more than anything that he had any skill at all in saying the right things at the right times. regretfully, all he could be in this moment was honest. “you fidgeted with your hair often. and mine,” he tacked on, suddenly remembering that detail of their nightly rituals. 

“i think it soothes you when you’re stressed. i see you stroke your beard a lot these days.” ford couldn’t help but smile at the endearing little habit. 

“can’t deny it,” fiddleford said, adjusting his head to get more comfortable in the pillows. then he reached out a slender arm, scratching softly in one of ford’s sideburns. the gesture brought that sour curling in ford’s gut back, but it also brought an overwhelming endearment. he stared at the content expression on fiddleford’s smiling face and greedily committed it to memory. 

“why’re you so down in th’ dumps today?” fiddleford asked, his smile not fading but a genuine concern evident in his eyes. 

“you mean more so than usual?” ford joked, meaning it earnestly.

fiddleford pulled himself up on his elbows, incidentally bringing their faces closer together. “i can… i can smell it all over y’ like the stench of death clingin’ to roadkill. nothin’ escapes me.” 

ford frowned. 

“well, ‘cept fer most o’ my memories, i suppose!” fiddleford giggled. ford frowned harder. 

after a beat of silence, fiddleford realized that ford really didn’t intend to respond. he sighed sadly, slowly leaning back against the headboard. “i know bein’ around me is hard fer you, stanferd. i may be ruined but i ain’t so clueless-” 

“no. no, you misunderstand.” ford corrected him immediately, looking quite fierce. “i feel empty without you,” he said clumsily, unable to properly parse his thoughts in time. 

“but ya also feel empty with me, dontcha?” fiddleford looked genuinely pleading for the first time in a while, and ford’s insides curdled at the vivid pain on his face. “i’m not- things’ll never be the way they oughta, and the both of us is just two sorry suckers, right?” 

“i’m sorry-“ 

“don’t.” fiddleford interrupted sternly, and ford worried that he would start shaking from the effort of holding his outstretched finger still. “don’t go apologizin’ again, or i’m gon’ta… i’ll jus’ tear my beard out.” all the conviction left him, and he stared defeatedly somewhere below ford’s eyes. 

“i’m-“ ford swallowed. “i won’t.” 

a long pause. ford internally scrambled for the right thing to say, eager to put fiddleford’s every worry to rest, but he just wasn’t equipped for that. he had no clue where to even start. what in the world was he supposed to be if not sorry? 

“do ya think y’ could be happy with me, th’ way things are?” fiddleford asked it quietly, his normally shrill voice sounding more weary than anything. 

ford’s chest tightened. if there were one thing in this world he could be absolutely sure of, it’s that he could never leave fiddleford’s side again. “yes. i’ve never been more certain of anything.” he said, emphasizing each word in the hopes of conveying his complete and utter seriousness. 

fiddleford sighed, still searching ford’s face. then he offered the smallest smile, the uncertainty slowly trickling away from his heart. “don’t run off.” he said, turning on his side to face ford. 

“i won’t,” ford promised. he reached over and laid a hand on fiddleford’s spiny back, stroking it soothingly. “i won’t.” 

[beevean]

If I’m being honest, you are all getting way too hung up on fake diseases and attacking a writer as if he personally attacked your family. It’s a strange obsession you have and you guys always come at any small nitpick as if it’s the end of the world. It’s a weird obsession and you have all been doing it for years. Maybe you liked Sunset Heights getting a remix but you also play victim when people don’t like the 2010s games. You can see Sonic is more successful now and doing things much better but you just like to sit in your anger towards the series for years. I’ll add that you’re much more sane in your reactions than RandomtheFox, but this whole side of the fandom here is so pathetic. The endless loop of anything new coming out for Sonic, and your little posse hating on it because it isn’t the meta era or because Ian Flynn has his name on it makes me glad you guys are a small minority in the fandom.

Do you want to know why we're discussing this?

If you go back and read our discussions, see how much we brought up with this little detail!

I looked up the effects of low gravity on the human body: I learned something new about science. I tried to put into words why this detail is harder to accept than Sonic breathing in space: this is about stories and world building. I immediately found a replacement idea. We discussed about SA2, its gameplay mechanics, its cutscenes. Someone even brought up the idea of drawing parallels with AIDS and how it would affect Maria. Negativity can stem from a place of reasoning, "how would I do that?", and it makes me use my brain in a fun way. I'm aware it's a inconsequential detail, but I'm having fun!

As for the rest of the message, yeah, we are a minority. Which makes me wonder why you care so much about a group of, what, four people?

Why don't I get any engagement when I'm positive, but suddenly people are up my ass when I talk about something negative? I didn't even tag most of my posts. Bro half of the Sonic fandom blocked me already because I'm a dirty sinning IDW non-enjoyer. I am not bothering anyone.

By the way, my negativity about IDW once even resulted in me writing a fic about it. Again, creativity and genuine discussions about writing a story and its downfalls. It nourishes the brain.

I don't like this new direction for Sonic. There, happy? I don't feel catered to, as a 2000s fan, by all this "REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE COOL????" stuff, not to mention I'm just not a Shadow fan so seeing him with wings and shit does nothing for me. I am annoyed because this used to be a franchise dear to me, but the current environment, both games and fandom, alienates me. I am also aware that, precisely because I'm in the minority, I'll just have to wait until ST changes trend again.

If my writer side activates when I talk about a writing decision I don't like and I'm having fun dissecting it, let me, alright? You can find me cringe, if you want to, but I'm not doing anything different than other fans, just directed towards a less acceptable target and in the privacy of my blocked blog.

Also: to be perfectly honest, if it only takes me one day of mild bitching to get anons yelling at me that I'm a joyless bastard doomed to be sad because I refuse to be happy, it kind of makes me want to be saltier out of spite. I'm already a bad person, might as well, right?

[xtrashmammalstefx]

All Shook Up! (An Austin Butler x Reader SMUT!)

WARNING: SMUT, LANGUAGE, minors dni

Notes: SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKA! I know I've been gone for a while but in all fairness this summer just sucked balls and I'm just now getting back in the proper headspace to write/post. Idk what I'll write next but I promise there will be more stories coming. Anywhore I'll shut up now. Enjoy!!

PS: This is technically a sequel to Chaos Monster & Her English Gent but I think it can be read on its own. Okay shutting up for real now.

Sometimes my heart can be the stupidest piece of shit ever. It’s been weeks since that day in Callum’s dressing room, and only days since filming wrapped for the season. Callum’s been blowing up my phone constantly and Austin was now home for the time being until he had to go film his next project.

The day my heart fucked me over was one of those miraculous days when both Austin and I had the day off. Austin was spending it reading a new script, while I was just doing my best to relax.

Hello darling.

I chuckled and answered back.

Hey.

Bored already?

No.

I’m just missing my special girl is all.

I rolled my eyes just as the next text came through.

Send me a pic?

Doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual.

I just wanna see your pretty face.

“What you laughin’ at Priscilla?” Austin asked distracting me from my phone. He was in the arm chair looking at me; his script laying on his lap.

“Nothin. Just your boy being a fucking idiot,” I semi-lied. Austin still didn’t know about Callum and me...and if I was being honest I wasn’t too sure about Callum and me either. I’ve been accused of being too hasty with other things before and a part of me feared I was being to hasty with this too. Needing immediate distraction I raised my phone (camera on) and aimed it at Austin. “Smile baby.”

Austin looked up from his script and smiled without questioning it. I took the photo and sent it to Callum. “Do I even want to know what you’re doin’ over there babe?”

“Callum asked for a pic, but as you can see I currently look like shit,” I motioned at my messy bun (didn’t exactly feel like brushing out my hair that day), make-upless face, and bespectacled eyes.

“Darlin’ I hate to break it to you but never since I have known you have you looked like shit,” Austin said. Just then another message came through.

Sexy but you know that’s not what

I meant.

“Why does he want a pic anyway?” Austin asked.

I shrugged. “I think he just misses our stupid faces.

“Mm… I think it might be more than that sweetheart,” Austin said tossing his script onto the coffee table. “I saw the way he kept lookin’ at you on set. He looked at you like you were the finest piece of meat this side of the Atlantic. Which ain’t totally off base if I say so myself.” I scoffed at the idea but Austin continued to look serious. “You’re the most beautiful girl I know. It’s a shame that you don’t see it because I see it very clearly.”

I sighed and tossed my phone onto the coffee table before getting up and darting towards Austin. I sat down on his lap and cuddled into him. Austin chuckled deeply and wrapped his arms around me. Austin always gives the best hugs. “We really need to have more days like this.”

“Like what?” Austin asked resting his cheek on my head.

“Like this. Just you and me...like we’re the only ones in the world. Like nothing else matters as long as we’re both here, together, for forever…” It was then I felt Austin’s lips pressed themselves on my forehead.

“You’re already my whole world Y/N,” he muttered.

“And you’re mine,” I whispered pressing my lips against his cheek. It was something I had done many times throughout our friendship but this time… it felt different. This time he trembled at my touch. “You okay?”

He nodded. “Just all shook up I guess.”

“You fuckin’ dork,” I laughed before he was suddenly pulling me in. His lips enveloped mine sending a tingle up my spine. I know I should’ve pulled away...told him about Callum and hoped for the best but… I don’t know. For some reason I just… I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop.

But I guess something else wanted it to end.

Ding dong.

Austin pulled back and sighed. “That would be our UberEats.” He carried me back to the sofa and sat me down before going to answer the door. Normally Austin would gladly cook for us but we both agreed that on that day we were feeling exceptionally lazy.

We didn’t really say anything as we had our Thai dinner. Just snuck glances at each other every now and then. At one point I think it became a little too much for him to handle for he swiped the box of Mango Sticky Rice I had started to dig in to. “Give it back.”

“Hell nah, not until you get talkin’.” Austin said continuing to hold the rice hostage.

“I am talking,” I said. “Give. It. Back.”

“Or. What? Sugar.” He smirked pushing my final button. I dropped my chopsticks and pounced on him.

“Fucking give me the rice!” I snapped at him trying to reach for my rice which he now held above his head.

“Not until we talk about what happened earlier,” he said.

“God dammit Austin, it wasn’t rocket science, it should be obvious why we―.”

“Stop…”

“What? I thought you wanted me to…”

“No, I mean stop grindin’ on me,” he said making me realize that as I had been trying to get my rice back, I was simultaneous rubbing myself on his clothed crotch causing him to stiffen.

“Okay, needless to say that is your fault,” I said freezing on top of him.

“How the hell is that my fault?” he asked. “I didn’t ask you to grind on me.”

“No, but you stole my rice,” I pointed out before carefully standing up. “So… what now?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I know I want this, but I can’t decide for you,” he said before slowly standing up. “So until you know for sure if what you felt was as real as what I’ve been feelin’ every day since we met, I’m gonna have to handle this with a cold shower.”

He left the kitchen soon after leaving me be for a few minutes. I was suddenly not hungry for rice or anything on the table so after a moment I stood up and started towards my room needing to just collapse for a bit.

As I approached the door though, Austin left his room wearing nothing but a towel around his hips. “Oh, uh, sorry, I forgot my new body wash in the shopping bag.” He continued towards the bathroom and left his body wash on the counter before turning back to face me. “Is-uh-there something you wanna talk about?” He asked noticing my transfixed stare. He’d been spending his off time these last few months and his current off day to do a little extra working out for his new role and damn did it show. His abs were more defined, and his ass more perked and firm. “Y/N? You okay darlin’?”

“Uh-um-yeah,” I said. “I’m fine….I’m…” He approached me and placed his hand on my shoulder.

“You sure?” I was suddenly filled with a different, much stronger, hunger. It had me practically screaming inside while outside it only had me placing my hand on his chest. “Y/N?” I reached up and connected my lips with his. His body froze at my touch for only a moment before he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me back. He pressed me against the nearby wall and let his lips fall to my neck. As he kissed and suck on my flesh I reached down and yanked at his towel, making it fall to his feet. I wrapped my hand around his length and gasped at the feeling of his size. He wasn’t too long but girthy as holy fuck. I tugged on him gently earning a growl like sound in return. I chuckled.

“You really are all shook up aren’t you Elvis?”

“Oh fuck yeah I am Priscilla,” he said before placing his hands on my legs and picking me up. “Fuck yeah I am.” I wrapped my legs around him and let him carry me to my bed.

He laid us down and reached to pull off my shirt. He peppered kisses all over my body as he rid me of my lazy-day clothes. Once my panties were gone he placed my legs on his shoulders and brought his lips to my core. I moaned louder than I ever had, earning a chuckle from Austin before he continued to suck and lick me until I was nice and slick. “I wasn’t there yet you jerk,” I groaned as he climbed back up.

“Relax darlin’, I’m just getting started,” He smirked before reaching down and giving himself a tug before placing himself at my entrance. Just the feeling of it there made my body tremble. “Like it?” I nodded. “Want it inside you?” I nodded again. “Okay then…” He thrust his lips sliding the tip inside me.

“Holy fucking shit!” I hissed.

“So tight sugar,” he groaned pushing in further. Tears filled my eyes as he continued to stretch me. “I ain’t hurtin’ ya too bad am I?” I shook my head. “Good, I’ll try not to but feel free to hit me if I do.”

“Just fuck me already Aus,” I muttered. He leaned down and kissed me deeply before bottoming out and pulling back again. He kept his pace slow and gentle while I grew use to him. I pecked his lips and held him so our bodies were pressed together. As he continued moving inside me I snaked my hand down his back and squeezed his ass. I was right, it was pretty damn firm.

“God you drive wild,” Austin chuckled.

“How wild?” I asked.

“Want me to answer or would you rather I just―.” He thrust into me harder. “Show you.” He started moving his hips faster making my back arch.

“Oh fuck!” I screamed as he continued to thrust into me like his life depended on it. After a while he kissed me again and brought his lips to my ear.

“You wanna ride me?” I nodded eagerly. He wrapped his arms around me and flipped us over so that I was on top. I moved my hips rough and fast. It was like my whole being was just feral for him. “Holy shit you’re so fucking good at that.” Austin moaned thrusting up into me as I continued to ride him. As he did he brought his fingers to my clit and started rubbing me. That’s when the pressure began to build up inside me. “You gonna cum sugar?” I groaned and nodded. “That’s alright just come right on me. There you go baby.”

My whole body froze as a shiver ran down my spine. I was damn near screaming as I tightened around him, damn near squeezing the life out of his cock. I had just started coming down from my high, still partially blinded by the mind-blowing orgasm, when Austin wrapped his arms around me again and flipped us so I was on the bed once again.

“God you’re so fucking tight around me,” he groaned as he continued to thrust into me, only a little sloppier this time. “Gah fuck I’m gonna cum!” He moaned more and more as he started getting close. “Wuh-Where do you want it?”

“In...Inside...Inside me.” I said still breathless.

“You- You sure about that sugar?” He asked growing more and more spastic.

“Yes, god yes… fuck a baby into me Aus…” No sooner had I said that that I felt him twitch inside me. A rainbow of curses left his mouth as his body shuttered to a stop. He collapsed on top of me and gave me a final kiss on my now swollen lips.

“I fucking love you Y/N,” he said. “I love you more than words can say.”

I ran my fingers through his curls. “I love you too, Aus.”

He smiled and reached down to pull himself out of me. I hissed a bit when he did feeling a bit of a sting. “Sorry sugar.”

“It’s alright,” I assured him. He moved to lay down beside me and when he did I snuggled up to him. I fell asleep listening to the sound of his heart.

[tgmsunmontue]

Season to Taste - 22/? WIP

Explicit Hangster - Celebrity Chef Bradley and Naval Aviator Jake Seresin who have a relationship spanning the globe before they realize how tightly bound they are to one another. Heading into this little world.

PROLOGUE/ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN ELEVEN TWELVE THIRTEEN FORTEEN FIFTEEN SIXTEEN SEVENTEEN EIGHTEEN NINETEEN TWENTY TWENTYONE

CHAPTER TWENTYTWO

                Sleep is a rare and precious commodity, one he cannot allow himself to luxuriate in while he works at finalizing the menu. While he sources vendors and suppliers and picks out flatware and tablecloths and what kind of light fittings will look the best. Leandro and Silvia arrive and take over for a bit and it feels so nice to just feel like he can take a breath. The fact that there is a film crew dogging his every step isn’t helping, but he also knows the publicity and exposure he’ll get will all be worth it.

                Leandro makes him make everything on the menu, then tastes it as he cooks and he refines it further. Listens as Leandro gives him further tips about what can be prepped in advance and what things must be done fresh. He goes through Bradley’s wine selection as well, pares them with different meals and makes Bradley do a blind taste test. He thought he’d learnt enough, but he’s quickly learning he’s got a lifetime of education in front of him.

    ��           He okay with that.

…            …            …

                “Did you know you were Jake’s first kiss?”

                “Yeah, he did tell me that…” Leo says with a soft smile he directs Jake’s way and Jake pulls a face at Nicola, because of course she’d be the one to try and humiliate him the most.

                “Oh. Damn. I was hoping I could embarrass him.”

                “Well, at least you’re honest about your intentions,” Jake mutters.

                “Do you have photos of him as a kid or teenager? That’d work.”

                “No!” Jake yells, but both Nicola and Amanda are already running and his dad is laughing. So much for his dad helping keep his sisters under control. He should have known better. Leo’s arms are around him though, stopping him from going after his sisters, or just to hold him close, it doesn’t matter.

…            …            …

                “Try not to fuck him up okay?”

                “Yeah, no, of course not,” Bradley starts, not really sure if this is a threat or well wishes or what exactly. Then he gets a shoulder pat so hard he won’t be surprised if it bruises and decides it’s likely a bit of both.

…            …            …

                He leaves Leo in bed with a promise to return later and while he doubts it will happen he really hopes to find him still in bed when he gets back from helping his sisters at the farmers market. He gets to the lot where they set up and of course they’re already there, used to doing this without him but he still feels a little bad, quickly following directions and moving things to where they want them, calling out greetings to equally bleary-eyed people, although some are bright and cheerful and even after ten years in the Navy he still hates naturally early morning people a little.

                “Jake. Jake! Come on, where’s your head at?”

                He startles, and Nicola is looking at him with a mix of irritation and concern. He shakes his head and mumbles an apology under his breath.

                “I was going to ask what you were daydreaming about, but I don’t think I want to know…”

                “You don’t think it’s… going too fast?”

                “Oh. You’re head’s not here. And fast? You’ve never let a little speed scare you off before.”

                “I’m not scared,” Jake scoffs. “I agreed to… date him didn’t I?”

                “Yep, and now you’re second guessing your decision. Why?”

                “Just… what if I fuck it up?”

                “Oh. Oh Jake… what if he fucks it up?”

                “He won’t.”

                “Wow. So certain already. Look. I saw the two of you being very… sweet with each other last night. And it’s only been a week, I know that, but he seems to really like you. Like… really like you. Let him like you. Don’t invent problems or issues because you think it should be more difficult.”

                “Yeah.”

                “I know, easier said than done sometimes. But I know you can be a stubborn shit head when you put your mind to it.”

                “Thanks Nicky…”

                “Also he’s hot and really into you…”

                “Yeah well, that helps too,” Jake says with a smirk and Nicola rolls her eyes and slaps his arm to get him moving again.

…            …            …

                He spies him walking toward them, trays of coffee balanced in each hand and Jake lets his eye travel up Leo’s body, the long legs covered in light denim that Jake’s had wrapped around his hips. White tank making his skin look even more golden and warm in the increasing heat of the Texan summer morning. Then a muted Hawaiian shirt flapping as he strides toward them and yeah, it’s only been a few hours but he’s starting to feel like he’s getting a taste of what coming back from being deployed is going to be like.

                “Hey. Wasn’t expecting you. What are you doing here?”

                “To help. I got you guys all coffee from the coffee cart. I might not want to get up before five to help, but being here for the rush from eight is much more respectable time. Maria and Olivia said I’d be the most use then.”

                “Yeah. He can carry people’s things to their cars.”

                “Oh yeah, the church ladies like to see flexing muscles,” Jake says with a grin, and Leo’s answering smile is wide.

                “Ugh. Stop looking at each other like that. You’ll make the fudge jealous.”

                Jake blinks. Frowns.

                “What?”

                “Tooth rotting fluff,” she says, gesturing between them and he shrugs, because he’s not going to disagree.

…            …            …

                “Come back to my place.”

                “Your place?”

                “Yeah, my apartment I share with Nicola. It’s close.”

                “Close huh?”

                “Yeah. We can have a shower. Wash our clothes.”

                “And what will we do while our clothes get clean hmm?”

                “I’ve got a few ideas.”

                “I bet you do. Lead the way.”

…            …            …

                The rest of the weekend feels relaxed. He does end up making brunch for Maria, Olivia and Nicola on Sunday, much to Jake’s pretend annoyance. At least he thinks it’s pretend, and it might just be the fact that he left Jake alone in bed at his apartment and went back to his rental so he could cook. He finds having Jake in his working space, the kitchen, easy, despite the fact he usually hates having people hovering. If they’re in the kitchen they should be working, and he’s used to them working and moving around him. Jake doesn’t move; every time Bradley bumps or brushes against him he gets a kiss or hug for his efforts so he starts doing it on purpose. That, combined with the fact that Jake doesn’t seem at all interested in the food, isn’t going to critique his knife skills, and simply seems to want to be in the same space he’s in makes him want him there in return.

                Now, it’s Sunday afternoon and Jake has gone to spend some time with his nieces and nephew at Bradley’s encouragement; already feeling bad at monopolizing so much of Jake’s time the last week. He looks at the pounds of tomatoes in front of him and rubs his hands before rolling up his sleeves. He has an idea, and it might be a complete bust, but he can’t not try. He’d sort of alluded to on Friday night, when Olivia had talked about Jake’s mild obsession with ketchup. Or mayonnaise, depending. Sometimes Jake will mix the two, but there is always ketchup and he wonders what it is exactly about it that Jake likes so much. He’s determined to find out. Then he’s going to make a version so good Jake won’t ever want store bought again. He’d noticed all their eyes on him while Jake had been putting the sauce on his plate and he’d just been amused. He is not a snob when it comes to food, but he might be something of a perfectionist.

                He roasts the tomatoes first, enough to split the skin and give them a little blistering and char because he wants that depth of flavor. Then he has to peel them, and they’re fucking hot but he works with a paring knife and one glove, working quickly. He’s also roasted some garlic bulbs whole, squeezes them out as he sautés some onion in butter. All the texture will be lost of course, he knows he’s going to have to strain it through the finest mesh he can get his hands on, and most of his personal cooking equipment went back with the crew, except for his knives. That’s fine, he’s learnt to improvise.

                He separates the sauce into four smaller pots, leaves one untouched and then ponders what he can do to each one to hopefully make them taste different enough that Jake will be able to tell and not just nod and smile and say they all taste great. Of course, he doesn’t have any liquid smoke on hand, but he definitely wants to try making one more smoky and tangy, like a barbecue sauce while still being close to ketchup for Jake’s liking. He adds more sugar to one, although he’s already wondering if he could use stewed apple for the sweetness instead. To another he adds some of the salsa verde and hums appreciatively when he tastes it, because that adds a kick and the flavors have had time to intensify in the best way possible. Okay. Plain, spicy, sweet and hopefully smoky. That covers enough bases for now and gives him a decent starting point. He’ll see if he can source some liquid smoke tomorrow when the shops are open.

…            …            …

                “I’m going to go for a run. All this food has been great but I can’t slack off otherwise I won’t pass the pre-flight checks…”

                “Can’t you go later?” Bradley grumbles.

                “Leo, babe, it’s summer in Texas. I don’t have a death wish. It’s now or never baby…”

                “Ugh. Wait for me. I’ll come with you. I’ve been slacking off.”

                “You mean you don’t come by this naturally?” Jake asks playfully, reaching over and giving his ass a slap.

                “Got to work to look this good.”

                “Mmm. Well, your body is a temple and I’m but a humble worshipper…”

                He can go for a run later.

…            …            …

                “Blind taste test…”

                “You’re blind folding me? Kinky.”

                “I want you to try something… several somethings actually.”

                Jake groans.

                “No, no… it’s just fries in sauce okay? Homemade ketchup. I want you to tell me which is your favorite out of these four.”

                “It really bugs you that I add sauce to everything I eat huh?”

                “No. Well. Yeah, maybe a little. But… I just want you eating my sauce.”

                Jake smirks and Bradley flushes as he realizes the double entendre that could be inferred.

                “Just try the fucking sauce you pervert.”

                “Oh, I’m sure I could be a lot more perverted…”

                “I’m sure you could too, it’s not a very high bar. Come on…”

…            …            …

                “I’m really sorry to do this, but can you look into Houston and Austin and San Antonio?”

                “Wow…”

                “Shut up.”

                “Oh no. I am just going to sit here and tell you I told you so. Bask in being right, because you know I am…”

                “Can you do some site visits?”

                “Not in the next couple of weeks, I’ll have to do some considerable research considering these are three entirely new locations we haven’t done any market research for.”

                “Yeah, I know… just. Tell me if it’s a really fucking bad move okay? From a business point of view that is.”

                “Oh, you know I won’t hold back. I take it from this request that things are going well?”

                “Yeah, yeah, mucca curiosa… how much detail do you want huh?”

                “None. You sound happy. Relaxed. It’s good. Keep it up. Or not.”

                “You’re so gross.”

                “Your mind went there too!”

…            …            …

                Jake likes all the different sauces. He truly does, and he can tell the difference fuck you very much Maria. They’re different enough that he wouldn’t mind having a bottle of each, because the smoky one goes really well with burgers and hotdogs, but the spicy one is best with the Mexican food for some reason, then the sweet one is his favorite to have with fries. But the original is best for putting on eggs at breakfast and god, he really needs to go for a run.

[brucewaynehater101]

I miss the feeling I had when I first joined this fandom, I knew virtually nothing so everything was correct and I loved everything, even if that stuff just isn’t true, i was like

Bruce is a bit emotionally constipated but loves his kids? Hell yeah sounds legit

dick is a silly happy flippy man who is a bit promiscuous? Love that for him

Jason is a mega feminist literature nerd who is also buff and takes care of the street kids? Perfect man honest

Tim is a nerd who never sleeps and is queer and has never known the touch of a man nor woman? Sweet

Steph is waffle obsessed goofball? Well I prefer pancakes but right on

Cass is a mute badass who loves her fam? I love her

Duke is a normal dude? Well someone has to be and he seems neat

Alfred can do no wrong? Aight, I love old perfect tea men

Damian is a little prick? So are all middle schoolers give him time

But then I had to go learn about the characters and now I have complex opinions about them, and can see the inherent racism and sexism in how they are portrayed

You know before I joined the bat fandom I did not use the exclude tag in ao3? Like tmnt and dp have some bad stuff but usually I could just scroll past.

but now I am having to avoid fics where whole ass adults are bullying and/or oversexulizing a child

Im constantly on the look out for untagged batcwst

I struggle to find fics that don’t describe dicks ass

I have been in this fandom for probably about two years now and y’all I swear

sorry for ranting, and don’t worry I love all your stuff and I know the just back click don’t leave mean comments rule

I’m just tried bc most of the stuff I thought was true turned out to be false

Mm. I do find it a little exhausting trying to navigate the lines of what's canon, what shouldn't be canon (but is due to racism/sexism/homophobia/etc.), and just having fun.

I'm also trying to cultivate the mindset of what I've seen on Tumblr about not policing other people's ships/ideas. I am highly uncomfortable with some (particularly underaged people and adults dating), but I'm also not leaving hate comments. Like you said, the backspace exists for a reason.

Idk. There's a toooon of takes/ideas about the batfam that are inherently false, but as long as they aren't racist/sexist/etc takes, I don't see the harm in them. So what if someone wants a coffee obsessed Tim? So what if Jason's kill code is very strict? As long as they don't claim it's canon, let them be

But yeah. I have a mile long exclude list for fics on AO3. I used to use it only for triggers (I can not do stockhold syndrome, my lords), but now it's got other weird ass shit I've stumbled upon (I saw a fic where the batkids were spanked as punishment??? Like I said, not gonna leave hate comments or single anyone out. Just not my cup of tea).

I also am usually not a fan of romance/sex. It's why the batfam intrigued me so much (found families usually don't have that in it). I like exploring dynamics outside of romance and thus love the batfam. They've got so much going on that romance/sex is not needed. They are such a mess without that dynamic being added (talking about the Bats getting with a third party, but, again, trying not to yuck anyone's yum).

However, I agree. There's a ton of misinformation within fandom. I like how complex canon gets with the characters, but there's also widely different takes with them (mostly talking about Bruce here. He can either be trying or just a straight up horrible dad).

[lottins-only]

I love you, it's ruining my life | Part V

pairing: Kylian x black!fem!Reader

word count: 4.5k

part one, part two, part three, part four

V. May 2024

She’d gotten the invitation in the mail a few weeks ago, a creamy white envelope announcing the upcoming wedding of Julien, a childhood friend from Bondy, to his fiancee of several years. Seeing his name on the paper had brought a smile to her face; it had been years since she’d seen him.

She’d be in Paris to visit her parents anyway, it would be a crime not to go.

She’d quickly written to him to say congratulations, and Julien had texted back a thank you. Moments later, he’d texted her something she’d expected. 

Not sure if you’re still in touch with Kylian, but if you can let him know about the wedding, that’d be great. We haven’t seen each other in ages!

Unsurprisingly, the response she’d gotten from Kylian was a firm and resounding no. 

“Why not?” She’d asked over the phone.

“Because of a lot of things, Y/N” There was a lot of chatter from Kylian’s end, she had caught him just as he’d entered the locker room after a grueling match. 

“Well, what are those things?” She’d asked. 

“I can’t just go to a wedding” He’d grumbled. “Haven’t been able to do that in years, in fact. I  have to think about bringing security and all that stuff”

She’d expected he’d say that, so her response was quick. “So bring your bodyguard. I’m sure Julien and his fiance won’t mind”

“And let someone leak a story to the press about how I’m a stuck up asshole who brings a hundred people with him everywhere he goes?” He’d snorted. “No thanks”

She’d rolled her eyes. “I don’t think anyone we grew up with would do that, Kylian”

“How would I know? I haven’t spoken to those people in years” 

“I haven’t either.”

“Exactly” He’d said. “Let’s just not go. It’s Ousmane’s birthday party that weekend  anyway. Actually, he said to tell you that you should come”

She’d frowned. “So you’d rather go to a party than to your childhood friend’s wedding?”

“It’s just a wedding Y/N” He’d said, his tone weary. “People get married all the time”

She couldn’t believe how mean and dismissive he was being.

“And get divorced all the time” He’d continued, letting out a humorless chuckle. “The stats on that are crazy, actually. Someone should let Julien know”

“What? Kylian, that’s so harsh. Why are you talking like that?” She was starting to get angry now.

“I’m not being harsh. Just honest” He’d said “Look, the last thing I need right now is to go to a public event, okay? I’m sick of people asking me about where I’ll be next year, and I’m sure as hell sick of having a hundred cameras pointed at me”

“Ok, then.” She said, her irritation evident in her voice. “You have fun at the party. I’ll go to the wedding.”

“But–”

“Tell Ousmane happy birthday for me”

He’d paused before responding with a resigned “Fine”

They hung up after that, goodbyes curt. She didn’t know what was going on with him, but he’d been very tired and irritable lately. He called less and less, and took longer to text back whenever she reached out.  She suspected it had to do with his contract with PSG, which she knew was nearing its end, but they didn’t speak about things like that. If he had news, he’d tell her. So far he hadn’t said anything, which meant things were probably still up in the air and it was troubling him. She’d chalked it up to that, and was therefore able to quickly move on from the conversation. 

The day of the wedding arrived, and Y/N found herself at the crowded venue of the wedding reception, wearing a silky blue dress she’d bought a long time ago but had saved for an occasion like this. She was seated next to Manon, a girl who used to live two doors down from her, and Anna, who she knew was Kylian’s first kiss and who she’d consequently been very envious of as a pre-teen. It was great catching up with the two and reminiscing about the old days. It turned out Manon worked in marketing while Anna was a tattoo artist. 

“So, are you and Kylian still friends?” Anna asked, taking a sip from her drink. The toasts had been made, and dinner had been eaten. They were now watching the bride and groom take the floor for their first dance. 

“Yeah” She said. “We’re still friends”

“Well, wave him over then. He looks like he’s lost” Anna nodded towards something behind her. 

Y/N whirled in her seat. Sure enough there was Kylian, his head down, weaving his way through the tables. People looked up to stare with hushed gasps as he passed by them. Y/N raised her arms to wave, and thankfully his bodyguard noticed and started guiding Kylian towards their table. 

“Hi” Kylian said, smiling tightly as he pulled a chair and took a seat.

“Hi” She said. “I thought you weren’t coming”

He shrugged. “You were mad at me”

“And I was right to be” She said, smiling despite herself. He looked handsome, she could tell he’d gotten a fresh cut. 

“Sure” He rolled his eyes before turning to their tablemates. Anna and Manon were briefly starstruck as he greeted them, as if they forgot they’d grown up with him. The initial awkwardness wore off quickly though, and before long they were all chatting animatedly. 

“Remember when you two–” Manon chuckled,  gesturing between Kylian and Anna.

“Ah, yes. When we dated for a whopping two days in the seventh grade” Anna laughed. “I do remember that” 

Kylian laughed along with her, shaking his head in embarrassment. 

Y/N couldn’t help but snicker. “Two days? What happened?”

Kylian opened his mouth to respond but Anna beat him to it. “We kissed one day, and then the next day was valentine's day. I found out he gave you a card, while I got nothing. So I dumped him”

Y/N gasped, elbowing Kylian. “Oh my god, I remember that. Those anonymous valentine’s cards we did in class. That was the first year someone sent me one, I was dying to find out who it was. I didn’t know it was you”

“Oh, we all knew” Manon said while Anna nodded in agreement. 

“Everyone knew he had a crush on you”  Anna said. “At least everyone except for me. I found out after the whole card thing”

Kylian said nothing, keeping his eyes trained on the bride and groom as they swayed. 

“Okay, so what happened after that?” Y/N pressed. She was flushed. If only her twelve year old self had that information. “Did you two ever talk again?”

Kylian finally turned to her, a hint of a smile on his lips. “Not really. I acted like it never happened” He grimaced at Anna. “Sorry about that, by the way”

Anna laughed. “You were the ultimate heartbreaker, Kylian!”

He chuckled, but there was a flicker of something in his eyes that made Y/N’s heart skip. “Yeah, well, I got my karma back, don't worry.”

“What do you mean?” Anna asked curiously. 

He hesitated before answering. “I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks, is all”

Y/N looked down at her lap, idly fiddling with her jewelry. The cynic within her had convinced her that Kylian didn’t care for her in that way. She’d allowed herself to believe he wanted her only for her body, just another fleeting fling in a long line of them. But his behavior over the past couple of months had made it clear that her own insecurities had clouded her judgment. She had the person she cherished most right in front of her—the boy she had loved since she was twelve—and yet she had pushed him away.

As she watched the bride and groom twirl, doubt grew inside of her. Was that kind of love even possible for her? Could she ever meet someone she cared for as deeply as she did for Kylian? The thought felt almost laughable. In her heart of hearts she knew that there would never be anyone else who could fill that space in her life.

Suddenly, the DJ switched to an upbeat song and people started to flock to the dance floor, eager to join the bride and groom. Manon and Anna went off as well, leaving just the two of them at the table. 

Y/N nudged Kylian gently.“Dance with me?”

He looked at her with an apologetic look, wordlessly shaking his head no. He looked tense, evidently very aware of being in public. 

Y/N visibly deflated. She wanted to be in on all the fun, but Kylian clearly wasn’t up for it. Oh, well. He did come here for me. I don’t need to make him even more uncomfortable, she thought. 

She smiled tightly at him, hoping he couldn’t see her disappointment. But of course he did. 

He hesitated before grabbing her hand and standing up, pulling her out of her chair. “Let’s go”

She grinned, her heart fluttering as  they made their way to the dance floor. Sometimes, when he did things like this purely to make her happy, the walls she’d built around her feelings for him would break down, sending her heart into a joyful spin.

They got to dancing, laughter bubbling between them as she playfully teased him about his abysmal dancing skills. 

“You just want me to be publicly humiliated huh?” He grumbled, a mock pout on his face. 

Just then, the song changed to a slow ballad. They froze, exchanging uncertain glances. It was only couples around them now, slowly moving to the romantic song playing. 

“What now?” Kylian asked, his voice low.

She stepped closer, wordlessly wrapping her hands around his neck. Her breath hitched when she felt his hands land on her hips.  They swayed to the song,  shifting their eyes  away from each other whenever their eye contact got too intense. His fingertips on her hips felt like they weighed tons. She wondered if he wanted to kiss her; she knew she’d let him if he tried. She’d fantasized about it more times than she could count.

Suddenly, she bumped into someone’s back. They’d been so focused on each other they’d completely lost track of their surroundings, it seemed. She turned around, ready to apologize, but froze when she saw who it was.

“Lucas?” She said incredulously. 

He had a different haircut than the last time she saw him, but it was definitely him.

Kylian's grip on her tightened slightly. “You’ve got to be kidding me” He muttered under his breath.

Lucas’ eyes lit up in recognition. “Y/N, wow. How are you?”

“I’m good” She said, forcing a smile.“ Crazy running into you here”

He smiled a fake smile, pointing to his dance partner, who she hadn’t noticed until then. “My girlfriend is co-workers with the bride”

She greeted his girlfriend, who was nice enough. 

“So you two finally got together, huh?” Lucas said. Y/N could tell he’d had a little bit too much to drink by the way he was swaying on his feet.  He leaned closer to Kylian, making it known the next part was just for him. “Better have her on a tight leash,  or she’ll start emotionally cheating on you”

Kylian recoiled at his words. “That’s not a bigger red flag than breaking up with a person over the phone, or thinking of women as animals you put a leash on” He gave a pointed look to Lucas’ partner. “He’s in the habit of doing that, by the way”

Poor girl looked like she wanted to disappear. 

Y/N felt disgusted. “Can we not do this here?” she said to Lucas. “It’s a wedding.”

Lucas shrugged, unfazed. “Just looking out for the guy. He should know what he’s getting into.”

Kylian stepped closer, a protective stance forming. “She can speak for herself, Lucas. And right now, she’s not interested in your opinion.”

Y/N suddenly noticed that some of the wedding guests had their eyes on them, clearly having noticed Kylian on the dance floor. They had their phones out, no doubt ready to send social media ablaze with pictures of Kylian and a ‘mystery woman’. Without thinking, she stepped away from Kylian and his hands fell away from her hips. 

He gave her a hurt look, confusion etched on his face.  “Y/N…”

“There you go!” Lucas laughed. “She doesn’t even want you to touch her”

Kylian gave Lucas the dirtiest look she’d ever seen him give to someone. “Fuck you” 

He turned on his heel and strode away without waiting for a response, his bodyguard trailing closely behind him adding a dramatic effect.

She made to follow him, but he disappeared into the crowd quickly. She turned to Lucas angrily. 

“You’re disgusting, you know”

He opened his mouth to say something, but she stormed off. 

She found him taking pictures with a group of people, dimples and charisma on full display. Someone even pulled out a jersey—though she couldn’t quite fathom why someone would bring that to a wedding. Still, he signed it with a gracious smile, effortlessly charming everyone around him.

“Kylian” She said as she stepped closer. “Can we talk?”

“Sure” He said, his smile fading slightly as he excused himself from the group. 

“Look, I’m really sorry” She said. “It’s not that I don't want to be seen with you or anything. It’s just –”

“No, it’s fine” He said unconvincingly. 

“It’s not fine” She said earnestly. “That was really inconsiderate of me. Especially since you were standing up to that asshole for me. Thank you for that, by the way”

He shrugged. “That’s what he deserved” 

My sweet Kylian, she thought.

She enveloped him in a hug, taking in the smell of his cologne. He hugged her back, albeit somewhat hesitantly. She could tell something was still bothering him.

“Kylian, are you okay?” She asked, pulling away. “You’ve seemed off for a while now”

“I’m okay” He said, looking at the ground. “Just a bit stressed is all”

She looked at him empathetically. “Tell me”

“Well, for starters, I shouldn’t be in public right now”

She frowned, feeling guilty. “I know, it’s a lot–”

“No, it’s not just that. That I can prepare myself for.” He said. “It’s because there’s a video announcing my departure from PSG that’s going to be released–” He paused to look at his watch. “-- In about 20 minutes, so…”

She stared incredulously. “What?”

“I said there’s a video–”

“You’re leaving PSG?” She said in a hushed yet raised tone.

“Yes” He affirmed.

“And it’s going to be announced in 20 minutes?” 

“Yes” He repeated. 

“And you’re in a packed wedding full of proud Parisians” She stated the obvious. “One week after crashing out of the Champions League”

He nodded, then yelped when she smacked his arm. 

“Kylian, why the hell did you come?” 

“Because I wanted to make you happy” He said simply, rubbing his arm.

She didn’t know whether to smack him again or kiss his beautiful lips. She decided on neither.

“Let’s get out of here then” She said, already dragging him to the exit. “Before the video is released and all hell breaks loose”

“But we haven’t even talked to Julien!”

“You’ll send him an expensive gift” She said, sounding determined. 

He chuckled, letting her lead the way.

They were in his car, his driver speeding away from the wedding venue. She watched him look out the window, the city lights casting a yellow glow over his skin. He looked less stressed, but she still thought there was something going on with him.

“So, where are you going?” 

“Hmm?” He pulled his eyes away from the window, seemingly jolted out of his thoughts. 

“Where are you going to play next?” She asked.

“Take a guess”

“Uh, let’s see, Leeds United?” She teased. 

He rolled his eyes. “You know where”

She squealed, launching herself across the backseat to give him yet another hug. “Real Madrid? Oh my god! Congratulations, Ky”

“Thanks” He giggled, hugging her back tightly. “I’m really excited”

“You should be! This is your childhood dream” She pulled back to look at him, her eyes wide with excitement. “Remember that winter you abandoned me to go visit them?”

“Well you’re getting back at me for that now” He said with a sad smile.

“Hm?”

“You’re moving back here” He clarified. “While I’m going there. You’re the one doing the abandoning this time”

“Oh” She said, understanding. “About that, I, uh–I’m not moving anymore”

He froze. “What?”

 “ I mean, I was going to, but… things changed. I got a promotion at my job, and the pay raise means I actually get more than what I’d earn at the new job here, so I told them I’m not gonna go for it”

He lets out a strange laugh. It’s near hysterical, but it stops as abruptly as it starts. “So you’re not moving back? You’re staying in Madrid?”

“Yes” She said slowly. “I’m staying in Madrid”

“Cool” He fidgets in his seat, his fingers tapping lightly against the armrest “Great”

He looked out the window again, then turned back to her, his face breaking into a huge grin.

“What?” She giggled. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I’m just really happy you’re staying” 

“Why?” She knew why, she just wanted to hear him say it.

“I wanted better for Luna” He exhaled loudly, as if this was a concerning issue he’d thought long and hard about. “ I hear the cat food here sucks”

She burst out laughing. She didn’t know what, but she could tell something just shifted between them. 

“You know, I haven’t been back in a while” He said. “To Bondy”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah” He said thoughtfully. “You just reminded me, when you mentioned that time I went to visit Madrid”

“Why don’t we stop by?” She said, her eyes lighting up. 

He paused for a moment, contemplating. 

“I don’t have anywhere else to be. Let’s do it” He said finally. 

He told his driver, and they went on their way. They sat in silence for most of the drive to the suburbs, both lost in their own thoughts.

“Oh!” Kylian’s eyes lit up suddenly. He pulled something from the console. “I forgot to give you this”

“What is it?”

“Belated graduation gift” He said as he handed her a small gift bag. She’d graduated from her masters program a couple weeks ago.

She beamed,  pulling out a jewelry box from the bag. “You didn’t have to” She cooed.

“Liar”

“You’re right, I love gifts” She grinned.

Her eyes widened when she revealed the pair of earrings. “ Kylian, wow” 

She looked at him in disbelief as she held up the jewelry delicately. “They’re so beautiful”

“I got them from Cameroon, when I visited last year” He explained. 

There was a card nestled amongst the wrapping of the earrings, small enough that she almost missed it. 

“Oh, there’s a card” She said as she picked it up.

Kylian’s eyes widened, reaching out to take it from her hand. “Wait, no—”

She leaned away from him to avoid his grasp, her smile almost fading as she read what was written:

“Y/N,

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but right now I’m in Cameroon, and I’m heartbroken. 

Maman thinks I should call you. Tchaga and all the others think I’m annoying because all I do is sulk.

We visited a traditional market today. I saw these earrings, and I thought of you immediately. They’re made by female artisans, which I think you’ll like.

 I love you, I think it’s ruining my life.

–K”

She looked up, the last sentence reverberating in her head, almost drowned out by the pounding of her heart. 

She didn’t know what to say, just looked at Kylian, who was avoiding her gaze.

“I forgot that was there” He said quietly. 

The car came to a halt just then, and Kylian’s driver let them know that they’d arrived at their destination.

They found themselves at the park they frequented as children, where they spent countless afternoons and evenings. They took a seat on a bench, facing a gaggle of children playing football. The park was otherwise empty save for a couple other wanderers, which was unusual for a summer’s evening. Y/N wasn’t  complaining though; fewer people meant less chances of Kylian being spotted.

They seemed out of place in their formal clothes; her in her silk maxi dress, and him in his suit.  She stole glances of his side profile as they watched the kids’ game, marveling at his beauty: his big brown eyes, the strong nose he’d inherited from his mother, and those pink, pouty lips. More than 10 years of knowing him and yet he still managed to take her breath away.

He turned to her suddenly. “What’s on your mind?”

She decided to be honest. “I was thinking about how pretty you are”

“Pretty?” He chuckled.

“Yeah. Pretty” 

“Don’t think anyone’s used that word to describe me before” He said.

“Well I have” She said. “Many times before – in my head”

“Me too,” He admitted, his gaze warm. “I’ve called you pretty. Also many times —in my head.”

She grinned at him. It was impossible not to. “Speaking of pretty, I want to try those earrings!”

She pulled them from their box, quickly removing the ones she was already wearing and carefully putting on the new pair. Kylian took an exaggerated double take, his eyes widening. “Qué hermosa!” 

She snorted. “ Working on your Spanish, I see”

“I’m already fluent, cherie” He winked at her as he pulled out his phone and quickly snapped a picture of her. 

A loud cheer erupted from the kids; someone had just scored a goal. Y/N and Kylian briefly turned their attention back to the game, smiling at the infectious joy of the kids as they rushed to one another for a group hug. The celebrations gradually faded, and the children returned to their positions to continue the game.

She swallowed hard. “Did you mean that?”

“Mean what?” Kylian dragged his eyes away from the game. It didn’t matter if it was being played by a bunch of 10 year olds, football was still his favorite thing. It was quite endearing, actually. 

“What you wrote on the card” She said quietly. 

“Yes” He met her eyes. “I do”

“What did you mean– what do you mean when you said it’s ruining your life?” She asked.

He took a deep breath before answering. He had a pained look on his face. “It’s just – I don’t know, it feels like torture sometimes, not having you. First it was the whole time you were with Lucas when I was pining after you, and then it felt like I had you, but you ran away. Let me tell you, those couple months after that when we weren’t speaking were the worst of my life.” He took a shaky breath. “And whatever we are now, just friends, it’s never going to be enough”

“Kylian..”

“And I was speaking to Papa” He continued, ignoring her. He scooted closer to her, eyes so intense. “He told me to take a leap of faith. To cut out all the bullshit and tell you I love you.  So here I am, I guess. I want you to tell me what you truly want. Not what you think you should want, or what other people want for you. What you really, really want. Because if it’s me? I’m all in, Y/N” 

He took her hand, gently opening up her palm. “Because you’ve had my heart here” He traced his index finger over her palm. “Ever since I met you at my birthday party all those years ago. It’s always been you for me. There will never be anyone else”

Y/N didn’t respond immediately,  lifting his hand that was on hers to her lips and kissing his trembling fingers. “Just so you know, I’ve wanted you as long as I’ve known you. And you’re right, maybe all of the excuses I was telling you and myself were lies. Because I was scared. I thought if we did this and it didn’t work out, I’d end up losing you forever. I didn’t want that, Ky. But how would we know if we don’t try? We have to try, right?” She paused. “I really want to try”

Kylian let out a relieved laugh at her words. They were so close to each other, their faces mere inches apart. He cupped her face with his hands, caressing her cheeks in a way only he could. She closed her eyes, basking in his touch. She felt gentle kisses on each of her eyelids.

“Yes” She heard him murmur. “I want to try”

They closed what little distance was between their lips, kissing passionately. All the tension, all the unspoken feelings that had been brewing for ages seemed to dissolve in that moment. It felt like releasing air after holding her breath for a long time. It felt like relief.

“Wait, there’s someone taking pictures” Kylian muttered as he pulled away.

“I don’t care” She said, chasing his lips with hers.

To her annoyance, he pulled away again. “But you–”

“I said I don’t care” She mumbled, kissing him again. She felt him smile against her lips.

They left the park after the game ended, satisfied and at peace. Hands intertwined, lips swollen from kissing. She thought about the kids that they used to be, the ones who used to run to the very same park everyday after school. Oh how they’ve grown,  how they’ve changed. 

Inside the car, she turned to him, her heart steadying after a long while of drumming loudly. “So, what now?”

His gaze was unwavering. “ No more running away.”

"No more running away" She repeated softly, leaning her head against his shoulder and closing her eyes.

A/N: Aaand thats it folks. hope you like this last part <3 i'm working on an epilogue though so stay tuned for that. as always lmk what you think in the comments or in my inbox. thank you for reading!

tags: @kyliansonlygf @ynkfreeastheocean @scottishthistle @user6373738 @lucysantos6-blog @tuliptopiasstuff @kennasutopia @cinderellawithashoe @akiracim @kymb-10 @germanapples @ariesmai @edgyficuselastica

[blommp717]

i guess you don’t answer anymore but i’m hoping you at least read this because it’s genuine and i feel like i have nowhere else to post this. i just want someone to hear me. ignore this if it’s too long. i want to thank you for your posts. they are the only writings that have truly resonated with me ever since i discovered the law, neville, states, being, whatever we call this thing. but i’ll be honest i’m giving up today. i discovered the ‘law of attraction’ in 2019 when i was 18 years old. it is now getting to the last quarter of 2024 and i am 23 where i’ve evolved in understanding to where i found ‘nondualism’. i went from law of attraction -> law of assumption & neville goddard -> robotic affirming -> mindset fixing & joe dispensa -> states & edward art -> nondualism. however… i have never manifested a single thing in my life. i used to be filled with anxiety when i said this. fearing these words would cause it to keep going on but i don’t even want to fear anymore. it’s just the truth. your posts taught me that i don’t have to fear my words anymore anyways. i’ve had a dream for a long time. i don’t believe i will ever reach this dream anymore. along with that dream i also just really wanted good for my family and i. you know the basics like financial freedom, happiness, mended relationships. but throughout everything i’ve learned i could never make it work and i’m just done. i guess i will return to living a normal life and just hoping i make it. i hope i find happiness or just.. anything. i’m just letting go of it all because i feel like things shouldn’t be this hard. even going to caleb’s channel and watching his recent ‘your manifestation isn’t taking long, you are’ video…. i’m just… exhausted. i just dont know how to do this and i don’t think i can take life anymore anyways. but yeah i just wanted to say thank you. even though i could never find success, you taught me who I Am. and i’ll forever be grateful for your wisdom even though you’re a bit younger than me. i hope you find continued success and live a happy life. sincerely

THIS IS JUST THE FIRST PART TO THE HUGE POST, PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME

After what felt like months away from tumblr I really dove into self-inquiry fully, and of course still am, and I promised you guys a mega post so here’s the initial information so far. There is more to come.

IM SORRY IF THERE ARE ERRORS IN GRAMMAR OR SMTH I WROTE THIS AT MANY DIFFERENT MOMENTS THROUGHOUT THE DAY!! FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS, ETC BUT PLS DONT ASK BY RESPONDING TO THIS POST, ITLL CAUSE SO MUCH SPAM ON THE FEED AND MY ASKS PAGE

Hello! Yes I have started looking back into my inbox (THERE ALLOT OF ASKS 😭😭🫶) but I absolutely plan on answering as many as possible, and because your post resonated with how I used to feel, I want to answer yours first.

So to begin with, It makes me so happy to know that what I’ve written has some kind of affect (that being positive). I can’t remember if I told you guys how old I was but I must have cus you seem to know 😭😭, yes I’m 19 we’re very close in age, this moment in life is when allot of us who figure out this stuff lean into it more because we realize how much of a leg up we have if we just “apply” the teachings this early on.

So first what I want to say to you is, no, your not giving up on a dream and neither are you going to live a normal life, I’ll make sure of that, this beautiful world that we step into gives us so much insight on what we inherently are. But I need to remind you and everyone else, this is not some big secret that has to be practiced, it’s a look at what we are and always will be. You have purpose and you deserve to be happy and enjoy a life that’s easy and fulfilling. I apologize in advance because this is going to be a pretty long post!! 🫶🫶

Let’s get rid of the labels and titles we’ve given these understandings as if they are for someone to learn and master. No one masters manifestation, no one will ever master manifestation and I truly don’t care for how many “success stories” they have, it doesn’t hold proving value of what they are (notice how I didn’t say who), we are not who’s, but that’s for later in the post.

The reason I’ve stepped away from the concept of manifesting is because it is inherently lack and separation based. No matter the teaching, they all seem to glorify the idea of getting and achieving which puts great pressure on success stories and all that rubbish. (Not me turning British) 😝😝, okay sorry, so yeah this also goes for nondualism, I don’t associate a title with what I learn, it’s not NonDualism it’s actually just self discovery in disguise of a teaching. But for this exact reason I don’t think to myself “I need to learn NonDualism better”, nononooooo I made this mistake wayyy to much due to the sole fact that I came in with the expectation that this would now teach me the secrets of manifesting. This is kind of the set up to more desire and lack, which is actually the opposite of the self-realization “journey”.

So, when you say you have never manifested anything in your life, I say this with incredible pleasure, that this is impossible, I know I know, before you start thinking to yourself that youve heard this before but I don’t think people go that in depth as to what that even means. So, your life and your problems, are not actually problems.

Self-realization is not the journey for the person to become consciousness, but to understand that you ARE consciousness to begin with. You does no reference a someone, but “ “.

This is going to be, quite a post so PLEASE hang in there. And I just want to add in, this is still not a seperate being trying to understand that it’s connected to conciousness, no, you as conciousness, infinite knowing, are so involved with the content that you appear as, you’ve tricked yourself into thinking that you are just 1 thing of the content. Let me use my first example.

We have given ourselves the greatest interpretation and key to knowing ourself, and that’s dreaming.

Every night, we sleep, HOORRAAYYYY, now let’s get into the details because this is where the magic happens and it clicks.

Take the moment before a dream appears, recognize that when the eyes are closed there’s this presence. Not the darkness, the presence. Something, but not a thing.

Stay here and forget the rest of the world exists for a moment. Now there is only this presence, it’s knowing, it’s being right? Now there’s no actual material but regardless, it is, something. This isn’t something out of this world it’s literally, you. From this, knowing or no-thingness, comes expressions, absolutely infinite potential, this is registered as a dream, but, before the dream in any way can be experienced, there always has to be some type of interpreter/lens, this comes in the form a person or better yet, senses. Of course, there’s nothing to the senses or the person but whatever it’s formulated from, which was that presence/knowing. The activity of this infinite potential that is the knowing, (you asleep) appears, only with the help of a pov/sight.

Nonetheless, it plays out, it plays stories of absolutely anything, for no reason at all, and as it does, we get lost to it, it starts to become real, and without even realizing it, it’s no longer a dream but something we’re experiencing, now you are the character in the dream and you naturally play out the dialogue and storyline and explore the fields, magic towers, and laugh and dance and make friends, and then you wake up.

When you wake up, you recognize “oh, nothing was actually happening”, now of course, when your the person in the dream it is very real, but even then, is it? Knowing what you know, there wasn’t actually a place with dialogue, no character of its own experience or life, no actual forests or fields and magic, no one actually laughing and dancing or friends, but simply the appearance of that. The illusion.

And it’s not that it’s only a formulation of you when you realize it is, but it always is, the dream doesn’t only become an illusion or “fake” when you wake up, it’s naturally just fake, REGARDLESS of how it seems to be. And regardless we sleep every night knowing that we’ll forget it’s a dream.

So I think you can see where I’m headed with this, I’m going to use the example Rupert Spira uses but twist it a bit.

You go to sleep in Australia and dream yourself in the streets of Paris, and you take on the identity of John, you don’t actually become John and experience the streets of Paris.

Now, John drinks coffee and he feels the sunlight warm his skin, sees the greenery, feels the wind, all of it. But despite the way it all seems the sunlight, the sensations that John has, is not actually real, and neither is John. John isn’t actually feeling anything, he doesn’t exist and there is no Paris being traveled. And it’s not John that realizes/awakens to the understanding that he’s fake and this is all a dream, it’s you, asleep in Australia that realizes it as you modulate/formulate as the streets of Paris, the coffee, and the greenery, and John, understand?

The activity of that presence, if you recall when we talked about closing your eyes, formulated as something that seemed so real, and that doesn’t give any reality to the dream itself, because there is no separating the knowing from the content known. Without the “space” for it to appear or form from, how on earth would there be the content? A bigger step forward is to realize that there isn’t even an actual dream occurring but it’s all the self knowing presence of, well, knowing. I want to add something very important before moving on.

Knowing does not happen for the purpose of pleasure, we naturally deconstruct false ideas like this as we go, but something you MUST understand about the nature of existence is, none of this is appearing for the purpose of ant experience, there isn’t actually an experience. No one is enjoying nor hating the illusion, it is simply an appearance.

In the same way that the aware/presence before the dream appears from it simply is, in this way, we are. It’s like saying the TV screen plays a movie and experiences it, or does it for the purpose of experience, no that’s silly, knowing has no inherent motive, it is, you (infinite knowing) don’t “happen” for a purpose, never mind happen at all, you are, and in this do you take form of something, your self aware nature of course knows the content of your own being, but that doesn’t mean the illusion can enjoy itself, or that you enjoy or experience the illusion, it’s just a plain appearance, and that’s it.

For example, when you close your eyes on this next demonstration, truly try to grasp the essence of what I’m trying to explain.

Bring from the nothingness/knowing when you close your eyes, a blue vase, know it in every aspect you can, incorporate every sense you can (even taste if your a little freaky 🫦🫦😭) and make it as present as possible. After you open your eyes I have a question for you. (I’m serious, do the damn practice it’ll help you) please take as much time you need to truly get in there (not too long I can’t wait all day)

okay hey, your back, now answer me this, from what did this immersive appearance take reality from? You and I know that there’s no actual vase despite its presence, no matter the vibrant or dull colors, no matter the feel, rough or glossy, its taste 🫦😭, its feel, etc. So what was the substance that formulated this? If you guessed knowing, your soooooo correct, if you didn’t it’s okay you get brownie points 🫶. But yes, now I need you to understand this verrrry clearly, the vase was not real!!!! Yet it appeared that way! This is AN ILLUSION SURPIRISISIEIEIEIEIEIEISISBWHH- yes. No matter how much you want to convince yourself and go back to the vase and its appearance and its feel or colors or any aspect of it, it wasn’t ACTUALLY happening and that means it didn’t take place for anyone or anywhere!!! All there was present was knowing, from knowing forms vase and every seemingly alternate way that it is known, feeling is a form of knowing, literally every sense is just a form of knowing. Every sense that was “used” to understand the vase was all just aspects and appearances of knowing, the color, the sounds, the taste, the feels, they didn’t formulate anywhere else, but nonetheless appeared as immersive and real because YOU BECAME FOCUSED ON THE CONTENT OF THE APPEARANCE RATHER THAN RECOGNIZE THAT IT WAS JUST APPEARANCE. And even though the content of the appearance you formed as became the focus, it still didn’t change the objective fact that there wasn’t someone actually there and experiencing it in any way.

The knowing in/on which appearances formulate is not something different than the appearance, there is nothing to the illusion but its reality, and its reality is knowing. In this way, the illusion couldn’t even be described as something real or taking place, as if it could exist apart from the source of it.

Knowing this is also knowing there is no such thing as the knowing OF, we never know of things or of experiences as if they are something seperate and exist seperatley from knowing itself, that’s literally impossible. Moving forward

You are not the person/character, and it’s not that you are a limited being and you have to wake up to the idea that you are infinite knowing, you have to realize that you were never something seperate, and that this is simply the modulation of your being, and it’s not a someone it’s more of a something.

Let’s starts stabilizing this.

To all of the experiences across centuries, theres one constant amongst the billions of people who’ve lived and are now and that is, I Am. We might not know for certain about anything else ever in this entire universe, and we might not even know who or what we are but for a fact we can say, yes, I am.

There’s no true word that can describe the infinite essence of being, so we use knowing or conciousness or god, all completely the same.

So, to every experience, without an ounce of doubt, there can be the claim, I am. This is knowing, and only from knowing comes the statement, because we must know we are in order to claim that we are. I think something that can capture this is a newborn, imagine yourself to be newly born, mere seconds I mean, eyes closed. You have no understand of anything, no thoughts, no memories, no identity, your pure experience is simply being/knowing, and I don’t mean the action of knowing, that’s not a real thing. Knowing is inherent, you don’t force it.

Going back to experiences. Any experience that is recognized, any seeing, and hearing, tasting touching, and of course feeling, is assumed to be the experience of the body and this is therefore falsely established as “me”, in doing so, we forget our true nature of freedom and limit our understanding and abilities to the limitations of the body.

I’m now going to help you realize the body is an interpreter, and not of a world that’s happening somewhere in time and space, but that the world is the interpretation/modulation/illusion/dream/appearance of our shared infinite being, AFTER being recognized through the interpretations, (sensations and perceptions). This also means that it’s in no way an actual measurement to what you fully are.

What experience is there to seeing? Better yet let me narrow it down, there is nothing to seeing as if there is someone doing the seeing. Seeing simply is. There’s no one to do it, just what is. There is sight, how is there an acknowledgment of the sight/seeing? There must be something to it that gives the understanding “oh I’m seeing this”. (Hint, it’s the same thing that let you know, that “I Am”). Knowing, yes, not knowing as an action, that’s not real, people don’t know, knowing is the essence of what we are (we are not people). But just wait for that. So all there is to sight is knowing, and I don’t think I have to do this but you can say the same about absolutely every other sense, because every single “experience” absolutely requires knowing. Without knowing, “experience” never is, I think we can all acknowledge that.

There is no such thing as the experience of being a human, Why are we deciding that this is what’s it’s like to be humans, we know humans we acknowledge humans but there is no such thing as being a human, in the same way that there’s no true way that there is something to being a fox or a bird or a rock, it’s only with labels are these ideas decided.

The only thing you’ll be able to muster up is memories, emotions, etc, but that doesn’t make it the inherent experience of being a human. Our first and only experience of what we are is knowing, and then knowing that we are, that’s it. In the same way that a babies first experience is not “I am a baby” or “I am a human”, rather it’s just knowing. If being human was our nature, that’s all we’d recognize, and from the very beginning. Our experience does not actually change from being/knowing, we simply forget that there is the knowing, and decide to focus on the body to be “me” or “human”.

You don’t need senses to know you are. Knowing is something unimaginable. Go ahead and try to find it by closing your eyes or even with them open. Can you grab or touch the knowing. Can you recognize its dimensions or what its appearance is? How old or young is it?

Do me a favor and find the edge where knowing starts and stops.

Let me know when you find it because you never will.

Even when you try, it’s only conciousness itself that searches for its own parameters.

By recognizing that your truly not the body, or this person you as knowing have pretended to become, the made up problems of the person disappear, well actually, you realize that there is no person that has problems, only an idea. Only the idea that I am someone and something is happening to me, I am something seperate and need saving. There isn’t actually a seperate self, the seperate self is the activity that you as knowing are, when you become involved with the content and forget your true nature. And what’s truly the main takeaway from this is that, even when it seems like you’ve lost it and now you have to restart and understand it all over again, you as knowing haven’t gone anywhere, your the one pretending to be something lost, and not on purpose, but because you involve yourself too heavily in the appearances without recognizing where they originate from.

From what we know so far, I hope in some way you’re able to recognize that there is no one doing manifestations and having success stories. You ARE the manifestation and it will NEVER be any other way, whether we recognize it or not, that’s the beauty. So no matter if we go on about this appearance of life and say we don’t get it and move on, you as conciousness will continue to play the roles, because there is no off switch to this.

I’m hope this has been able to start untying the blinds over your “eyes” and you’re starting to somewhat understand the truth of what you/we are. This is only the beginning and it’s only going to get more incredible and beautiful from here. But for now I’m shleeepy hehehe, I’ll talk to you soon, never ever give up on your dreams!!!! 🫶❤️❤️