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thurio-edau · 1 year ago

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SBG GANG MENTAL ANALYSIS

yup, him for part two. funny thing despite Aiden being my favourite character I'm most excited for the other three posts I'll make, especially the last one. there's a lot to unpack here so

also im writing this with a migraine pls read it-

Part 2: Aiden Clark

ah, yes. the obviously-mentally-ill from the start fan favourite Aiden Clark. let's go.

first, I want to start with something I find really important about his character, what makes him heavily mischaracterized in the fandom. the 'psychopath' cliche.

the terms 'psychopath', 'insane' and 'unstable' are often confused with each other due to media stereotypes, such as Aiden here. one, he is not a psychopath. psychopath literally means a self-centered person who lacks sympathy, affection and care; making them far from most other characters in their franchise. their lack of sympathy/empathy often makes them criminalized, here

disturbing content warning, for an example of a psychopath.

let's take Gressil from Homesick for example since a lot of SBG readers also read Homesick. so, here, Gressil is a perfect example of an actual psychopath. his lack of empathy makes him torment others, he's very self-centered. and when asked why he's doing this? he says he was bored. let's look at Aiden here. what does Aiden do when bored? probably dumb ideas or annoy Tyler. not torturing people for fun. Aiden is just a boy who likes thrills, but he has a sense of empathy, care and justice.

you wanna see a psychopathic Aiden?? the canvas is it

(our local Logan hater is publishing the canvas eps go checc beachy out)

but that's him, not our Aiden. canvas does not equal originals y'all

alright, now since we got that cleared out!! firstly, ADHD.

I think everyone in the fandom is already aware that Aiden is ADHD but I'm still going to talk about it just like Ashlyn's autism. Red has also said that she wrote Aiden with ADHD in mind but hadn't canonically confirmed anyone as neurodivergent. let's start with the main symptoms of ADHD, also known as Attention Decifit and Hyperactivity Disorder.

I know about 5 different ADHD people myself and did some research, it probably won't be extremely accurate since I'm not ADHD myself, but I'll try to do whatever I can. first with the AD part, Attention Decifit.

now as seen, he doesn't exactly have any problems with theorizing itself. but the problem is that his attention just goes away easily.

i mean cmon bro was making memes on the job

he tries to do work, but can't. he has a low attention span which makes him not able to concentrate. he can't keep it up for long, he'll get distracted or bored too easily about things that doesn't interest in specially.

it's just distracting. what his attention is on constantly changes, there's more to that after the ADHD part but we're here for now.

the hyperactivity... it's a lot more apparent. but I should explain the insane-unstable thing before that.

insane means that someone's mental health is not in an okay situation, where it prevents the person from thinking normally, acting rationally, very often found together with delusions. the person is seriously mentally ill where it might count as a disability.

unstable, however, where someone is prone to psychiatric problems, has moodswings etc. they're not exactly the most sane person, but they aren't insane either. Aiden here, obviously falls on the unstable side. maybe just a little bit insane if you squint. this will be brought up later too, but it mixed well with his hyperactivity too.

and as we all know, our boy isn't exactly the most stable person. (sorry for the collages, but since there is a tumblr picture limit i have to keep on collaging. yes i learnt from the last time) his hyperactivity mixes with his unstable mindset which makes him incresingly vulnerable to danger- which he likes. from when the first shift happened, he's been really careless about stuff but it's been all about his love for thrill.

and it irritates Tyler, too.

the main subplot about his character is that he's a person of excitement. guess what? ADHD people like the excitement, they like new things, they like the adrenaline and thrill. now, Aiden's main characteristic of being unstable mixed with ADHD makes him an even more reckless person. another thing mixing with the hyperactivity, is boundaries.

this part will mostly be about Ashlyn since the boundary issue only happens with her.

I talked about this on Ashlyn's side on my Ashlyn analysis, now it's time for Aiden's side.

he's really annoying to her at first. Ashlyn is someone with lots of boundaries, like high walls. and who tries to climb them with his dumbass? Aiden of course.

she kept rejecting his efforts to befriend her for some time, until the night they stole the jeep. then she managed to actually bring the walls down, and accept them all into her life. but damn was she blunt.

felt that honestly

and Aiden understands her that night, too.

Ashlyn was hesistant to hug him, yes, he was aware. but she still did which made him realize she was also trying. i have to tell you, people with ADHD and people with autism either have trouble getting along, or go perfectly well. my ADHD sibling for example, I have to push them away for a lot and tell them to lower their voice. but once they remember my boundaries it actually becomes a normal, even pleasant hangout. which, Aiden realizes and tries to get along with. he tries.

seeing his efforts on her boundaries makes something click in her mind. and she starts to be a lot nicer when they hang out in the arcade.

Aiden eventually learns and remembers what she's like and what she loves to do. he already tried to watch her ballet sessions once -got slammed-, he's been to her room where he remembered the mat from and her fighting makes it obvious. I'm sure he knew he'd get cooked by betting that. but he still did,

because he knew it'd interest her. which he succeeded, he saw her smile again. the arcade day went great until Barron and his gang pulled up, but if we ignore that part it all went well. Aiden started to understand and respect her boundaries.

anyways then Tyler fucking dies

he knows that Ashlyn feels guilty. Aiden wants to comfort her through it, but also do it correctly. without going over any boundaries. which makes him really,

really,

really surprised when she responds.

also including this pannel cause its hilarious

here we see that he's still trying. hell, I'm sure he spent minutes thinking if he should come close physically to help her. that's probably why he just nudged her softly before anything else. he's not used to it, he has to conciously make an effort to not cross said boundaries. keeping his voice lower, try to not be so reckless, not doing anything physically close unless she reciprocates. wow how i wish another someone i knew irl tried that hard instead of blaming it on me cOUGH COUGH COUGH

also other small things to include

he's yapping a lot

he has a comically large amount of puzzles in his backpack for one single trip

and sticks his head into lamps for some reason

but that's just Aiden and his little neurodivergent brain for ya.

now the part I wanted to get to the most.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

first, what is Borderline Personality Disorder?

shortened as BPD, borderline is when someone's mood is inconsistent and swinging. think of it's name; the person's mental state is in the border, in the border line, switching up fastly. the most easily understood and common type is when the person goes from a depression to a happy state. but no matter which state they are in and/or go to, one thing stays the same: it is unstable.

one thing about borderline is that it is frequently mixed with bipolar. however bipolar is a neurodivengercy which means it is what someone is born with and cannot be changed. but borderline is obtained later in life. it usually happens with depression. bipolar is much more random and the episodes last longer in comparison. it may last up to hours, and the person's memory might have trouble remembering their episodes. borderline, on the other hand, is a short-lived mood swing.

now here. here's the catch; people with BPD during mood swings can have reckless behaviour, suicidal thoughts -in his case as far as we know, lowered sense of protecting himself- or a loss of understanding danger. sounds familiar?

borderline's recklessness and dangerousness, sometimes self-destructive acts combines with ADHD's love for thrill and excitement, combined with Aiden's own personality all make up for a great condition of instability.

Aiden's behaviour constantly goes crazy, I think his most frequent mood swing might be his normal self (at least, as normal as he could be) to this more maniac way of acting. I noticed it from his eyes, when he's in a more calm-ish normal state his pupils are a bit more dilated. in the pictures above, you can clearly see that he's still in the episode; filled with the adrenaline, the unstable way of thinking.

but, what causes that? surely a mental illness such as borderline doesn't happen on it's own.

right?

cause it didn't.

it never works that way.

but it can get better.

eventually.

but what happened to him?

personally, as much as a large amounnt of people seems to believe it's something like family abuse I don't think so. maybe neglect, maybe withdrawal, maybe maybe. but we've seen his parents. I don't think they would hurt him like that. I can't put any more pictures, but this is the last part anyway. his parents seem to be kind and gentle, despite that picture in his house. I'm thinking the picture was only for the dramatic effect. his parents said that he used to be really calm and quiet during Lily's birthday, and both Aiden and Ben seem comfortable around them. they were happy taking Ben in too, any kind of abusive parent wouldn't do that at least that's what I believe. also there is that Aiden got serious and concerned when he learnt that their parents were also in the facility, most likely worried for his own as you would have thought.

there was a post that I've been trying to find for like half an hour, I commented on it but I can't find the post now. the person talked about their own theory. if I remember correctly it was that when Aiden was depressive as a child, his parents took him to a thrilling activity like the ones he's been talking about (bungee-jumping, skydiving etc.) and the thrill made him actually get excited. which is why his parents allowed him to go even more reckless, because they are aware of how prone their son could be to the depression.

what happened? let's ignore the parents factor. someone can have a loving family and still be traumatized, someone can be taken care of and still feel abandoned, someone can never have confronted a situation they are terrified of.

one of my theories is that, the loneliness. it must get to a child heavily considering children need to not be left alone, but Aiden was. he didn't have any actual friends since they always moved from one place to another from his parents' business, and they might have not had enough time to make for him (which I believe is bullshitting, every child deserves to be taken some time out for. some people quit their jobs entirely for their child.) and be unaware, and that doesn't change that he was still depressed and alone. his depressive state was seemingly before Ben was taken in. now here one thing with borderline, at least from my experience, is faking actions. smiles, laughs, friendships, conversations... almost as if there's two different lives; one fake, and one real. you keep on switching, you keep on swinging between the sides where you're yourself and where you're just mimicking 'normal human behaviour'.

it starts from faking a happy state during their depression, and by time you're faking it it becomes an automatic adition to your personality. to your mind. once it furthers, it becomes the disorder. Aiden we see is always smiling. it becomes a habit that only breaks sometimes. now, I'm not saying his smile is fake- I think his face is literally just stuck like that. it breaks ever so slightly sometimes. fake it till ya make it yanno? that kind of thing. and when he swings from his calm mood to his borderline-d mood, his pupils get small and his smile gets worse. noticably worse. I'll be rereading the series (AGAIN) and this time look at all the small details since Red loves putting them and I love theorizing so

which, wraps up the Aiden thing! im actually really proud of how i could put my thoughts into text which i never could. i'd love any additions because i love other opinions as well.

and you know what? im glad Ash and Ai are out of the place because the rest are what I'm actually looking forward to >:)

...and i should sleep. really.

(wow sorry yall i finished this hours ago and said 'alright reread to make sure its good before sleep' and fell asleep through it lol sorry for 4 hour delay ig)

(leaving for school rn see yall 8 hours later 🫡)

#sbg #sbgblr #sbg (webtoon)#school bus graveyard #school bus graveyard webtoon #schoolbus graveyard #aiden clark #ashlyn banner #sbg aiden #sbg ashlyn

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keztis · 2 months ago

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my thoughts + feelings about survivor after finishing it on stream with @techniiciian and grabbing the extra databank entries for additional context. i wrote this for my IRL friend ( hi brian ), and because i’m writing a mainly JFO!cal, i felt i owed it.

this is a long post! starts off a bit goofy but it gets more serious later down the line. i talk a little bit about everything here, and while i do criticize various main characters, please keep in mind i'm well aware much of the conflict in JS is contrived. my commentary / criticism is out of love. and, well, JS having four writers instead of JFO's one kinda forced my hand lol if you want to know my TLDR thoughts, scroll to the very end and just read the last section / three to four paragraphs. i’ve also added large subheadings for easier navigation!

Where the game began spiraling for me: Dagan’s death.

Dagan, overall? Wasted potential. Jesus Christ, such wasted potential. Was he even a bad guy??? What the hell? ( kt, idk if you’re reading this, but i’m so, so sorry for spelling your boy’s name wrong the whole time we were chatting lmfao )

Dagan and Cal wanted the same thing, and I find it so weird how the writers refused to acknowledge that. As the player, I feel like we kinda low-key had no fucking idea why we were fighting this dude 💀 The writing didn’t exactly make it apparent, and it didn’t help that the only direction they gave was through Cal’s dialogue repeatedly telling everyone ( us, the player ) that Dagan is bad. Ooooh, look at how angry and violent he is! It isn’t as though he’s confused, disorientated, and absolutely furious after waking up in an entirely different era or anything.

We learn it’s nearly 200 years later for Dagan, and now he wants Tanalorr because… that was his discovery. This’s personal. Okay, fair. And then what?? Well, turns out he’s also merciless, has killed other Jedi, and experienced profound betrayal ( including from a loved one ). A’ight, should I feel sorry for him now or—? Yeah, he’s been through some serious trauma. But so has Cal. Dude, go sit in a corner and think for an hour, pal, I swear you’ll feel better.

It’s actually hilarious to me that not even more information regarding Dagan’s past helps us better understand his current motivations, and that’s entirely because his motivations are: 1) fundamentally the same as Cal’s, yet also somehow completely incompatible. 2) weak.

All jokes aside, despite everything Dagan did, he never struck me as truly irredeemable. I genuinely believe that if he’d been given time to process everything, properly, he could have been reasoned with. But the sad reality is he never got that chance. Feels like the second he bled his crystal, the writers decided he was a villain—because that’s the exact point at which Cal wrote him off.

Bled your crystal? Automatic bad guy. Can’t be saved. Gotta kill him now. Wow, that’s not very Jedi of… anyone. But nuance be damned! The bitch has got to die, I guess.

Never mind the fact Dagan didn’t fall completely, so to speak; Dagan was never a Sith. No Sith eyes, no true descent into darkness. That alone was a dead giveaway that he was still redeemable. But sure, let’s not even try. Forget reasoning with him and jump straight into battle because that’s totally what Jedi do. Fight first, ask questions later. No negotiation, no attempts to find peace, only the immediate acceptance of the so-called “inevitable.”

Dagan and Cal should’ve joined forces to face the Empire. That would’ve been so badass.

Then, we have Bode.

Bode, the second villain, as though this game ever needed a second villain when the first one barely got enough development.

( He should’ve been DLC. Just saying ).

From what I’ve seen, you either hate this guy or love him. Overall, it seems a majority land in the former camp, and that alone fascinates me. I can’t help but feel most of those players are casual Star Wars fans, surface-level enjoyers who have seen the movies before, maybe play a game or two, and move on. ( No shade, of course. I’m like that with other franchises, too ). Or they just don’t like or care for him—which is actually super valid, too.

However, the more dedicated fans who know the universe lore in detail, Bode’s entire story—including everything from the game databanks—and still hate him for his motivations? Yeah, I’d wager these are the same people who despise Anakin for being “whiny” and “annoying” while refusing to acknowledge his mental health / trauma(s) or the years of grooming and emotional manipulation he underwent etc. Yet they worship Vader because he’s a badass Sith lord.

Like, tell me without telling me you have the emotional capacity of a baked yam. I’m looking at you, Survivor subreddi.t.

I might be huffing copium here, but I guess too much exposure to Reddi.t would nuke anyone’s hope for humanity.

Anyway. If the writers wanted to create an anti-villain, well, there you go. Nailed it with Bode.

Anti-villains have noble characteristics, values, and goals, but how they strive for those goals is often questionable — or downright abhorrent. Like traditional villains, anti-villains stand in the way of the hero’s goal. But unlike a traditional “bad guy,” the anti-villain isn’t necessarily evil. — Reedsy Editorial Team

Now, I’ll admit, I know I’m biased about Bode. The fact that they introduced a South Asian character with dark skin? That’s huge. Asian culture has been blowing up in the West for the last couple of decades, and nobody seems to like or want to even think about the existence of dark-skinned Asians. They so often get left out of the general conversation. I also love how Bode is big and tall instead of going with the stereotype that all South Asians are tiny and short!

NOTE: I’m East Asian ( chinese-japanese mixed ) with pale-white skin and have a brother and father with “culturally unacceptable” dark skin, so yes, I’ll openly admit I feel some type of way about seeing a man like Bode in my favorite franchise.

But if I remove my biases from the picture? I’m sorry, but Bode isn’t the bad guy the story writers desperately wanted him to be, just like how Dagan wasn’t, either.

Same shit, different character. They really wanted you to think Bode was a no good, rotten little son of a bastard. Look how selfish he is! Look how he’s willing to sacrifice everything for his daughter! What a terrible person, right? He’s just the worst part of this game, says Reddi.t. You know, the same Reddi.t that would die on a hill for The Last of Us and their entire story concept about a father who would do anything for his adopted daughter, even if that means dooming mankind. But sure, let’s boil Bode down to being a blind, selfish idiot.

Sorry, sorry—okay, so, many characters fucked up multiple times in this game, but I’m pretty sure if you asked the average player about Cal’s role overall, they would be like, “he tried his best!” And yeah, I agree to a certain extent that he did, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t also make mistakes that led him to this point.

To start, Cal sucks at communication. No two ways about it. And I don’t mean sucking at conversation about difficult feelings. I’m talking about Cal’s “Crew Mentality” rendering a lack of consideration for others, such as those who have nothing to do with the Jedi Order and may not want to get dragged into a fight not their own. Just because someone joins the Rebellion doesn’t mean they’re signing up for the Jedi cause.

For all the times the game reiterates through story beats that Cal is empathetic and merciful ( Ninth Sister & Rayvis )—and yes, I believe he is—I think he actually starts lacking in this very department after a certain point.

Let’s be real, Cal never actually talked to Bode. No one did. He promised Bode a safe place, hyped up the idea of a peaceful future on Tanalorr, even fantasized about it with him. Then, right at the final stretch, Cal flipped the script and brought the most dangerous aspect into the picture: the Empire.

They could’ve talked about this, sure, and I agree it might not have gone well for obvious reasons, but I’ve seen way too many people shit on Bode’s motivations. That, and he’s a dumbass for betraying or not fessing up. Man, try looking at it from Bode’s point of view.

The power dynamic between them is beyond skewed. Cal had all the cards. He’s tucked away in a secret hidden base, surrounded by powerful allies, including a close friend and Jedi master who has the knowledge and technical skills to repair the only compass. Meanwhile, Bode had absolutely nothing. No leverage, no backup, no safety net. You could argue that he has only himself to blame for the impossible position he’s in, but his story isn’t that straightforward.

We don’t even discover this until later, but Bode never wanted to work for the ISB, much less answer to Commander Denvik. After the death of his wife, Bode was just a man desperately searching for safety where there was none. With the Empire and the Inquisitorius closing in, there were no options left.

Yes, he willingly sought help from Denvik, an Imperial. But how could he have known that choice would ultimately enslave him? Denvik used the safety of his daughter and even the mystery of his wife’s murderer as a chain to constantly keep him in check. Denvik didn’t just manipulate him, he owned him. So, trapped and with nowhere else to go, his daughter’s safety always came first.

Bode desperately wanted an out, and Cal had become his family’s ticket to freedom. You could tell Bode was genuinely on board with the whole idea of Tanalorr. He believed in it. Believed in Cal. Right up until the final battle with Dagan, when Cal blurted out, “Maybe Dagan was right.”

Also, great. Fantastic start, buddy. Nothing like suddenly agreeing with the “villain” you killed five seconds ago to instantly put a guy on edge.

The same villain who just used a Force Illusion to scare the living shit out of you two with realistic visions of your worst fears, to the point where Bode even said out loud, “Please. Tell me this is real.” He later told Cal that he saw Kata, alone, stormtroopers about to break down her door. Wouldn't you think something like this would rattle a normal guy with no apparent Force connection? There were signs both for the player and Cal. Just saying.

Alright, indulge me for a second. Put yourself in Bode’s shoes. You’ve been working side by side with Cal, putting in real effort, all for this one goal. And just when you finally get there, Cal takes his share and more.

Bode expecting his fair share wasn’t unreasonable; Bode thinking the reward table wouldn’t randomly change wasn’t unreasonable.

Cal didn’t give him room; he didn’t consider Bode’s thoughts and feelings at all—yet during the evening before everything went sideways, he had the wherewithal to comment on Bode seeming troubled.

Bode even acknowledged it, saying, “You know me too well, Scrapper,” which should’ve been more than enough to raise a red flag. Hell, Bode’s characterization in the game thus far has been positive, so why not pursue the matter? Why stop short here? If my friend admitted they were upset for reasons they couldn’t quite articulate, then gave me a hug—something they don’t normally do—my concern would’ve shot through the roof.

But Cal just pushes back with the same responses, aka what he wants to do. It’s a little careless to assume everyone will be on board with what all you do, if not blissfully ignorant. Oblivious. Naïve. Doesn’t matter what you call it. Cal doesn’t follow up that night, doesn’t check up on Bode despite all the signs pointing to something being wrong. So wrong, in fact, Cal noticed it.

In hindsight, you have to wonder how badly Bode was struggling. He was once a Jedi Shadow, later turned Imperial spy; he’s trained for all his life to conceal himself, mask his emotions, and play whatever tailored roles necessary to survive.

It’s frustrating… but honestly, not surprising.

Cal is young. He’s grown tremendously, but he’s still just a kid at twenty-three. And I understand he isn’t anything close to a father, so I don’t expect him to fully understand Bode’s perspective as a parent at all.

It’s the lack of trying that killed me. You don’t have to walk miles in someone’s shoes to understand where they’re coming from.

Overall, Cal exhibited tunnel vision throughout Survivor. He obsessed. Focused on what he, alone, wanted. Something the story harped on for about two seconds, then promptly forgot after Dagan’s death. As if Cal wasn’t still exhibiting the same problem.

PS: After the betrayal and during the pursuit, the fact Cal screams at Bode, “We fought for that together—and you're just gonna hand it to the Empire?!” is kinda crazy when you could say the same from Bode’s point of view. They fought for that together, and Cal is just gonna hand it over to the Hidden Path.

And then there’s Merrin.

So, this part isn’t so much a critique of the story itself, but more about how I feel about her in Survivor. That said, I’ll circle back to the story stuff in a second. First, I’ll lay my cards on the table: Merrin was easily one of the best parts of the first game.

After beating the FO on stream with Aerielle, we kinda hoped Merrin and Cal would get together. We were low-key pulling for it, and we’re the type who dislike seeing every movie/show/game forcing romance into picture.

However, I’ve had some issues with Merrin ( and Cal ) throughout Survivor. Things that… didn’t sit right. For starters: the weird push-pull dynamic between her and Cal after the first kiss. It wasn’t just awkward; it felt uncomfortable.

Then, there’s that weird dialogue exchange in the Mantis where she essentially shat on people for uprooting their entire lives in search of something better. She had the nerve to call them “greedy” for all their “backbreaking” labor. And those are her words, not mine!

I remember blinking at my monitor because holy shit, five years of traveling the galaxy, growing as a person, and this is where you landed?? What the fuck is going on with some of the casual dialogue they gave her?? Hello?????

Anyway, post-betrayal Merrin. Good lord. The way Merrin kept pushing Cal after Bode’s betrayal was… not great.

Aboard the Mantis, after touching down on Tanalorr, Cal asks Merrin what they should do—as in what they should do with Bode afterward. This was Cal looking for guidance; he needed guidance. Merrin’s response was exactly what you’d expect: no-mercy mindset, to pay back in spades, and “not let them down,” as she stated in-game. She pushed for this several times.

Hell, Merrin even yelled at him while they were running towards the temple on Tanalorr, saying Bode must pay for what he’s done, that he used fatherhood simply as an excuse for betrayal and murder. Cal had paused, seemingly uncertain and hesitant, before reasoning that they should give Bode a second chance for Kata’s sake.

This should’ve been pressed upon, not thrown in during their short trek to the temple. Her words should’ve weighed on his moral compass. Vengeance, even the thought of it, should’ve slammed over his head like a hammer.

There’s a key conversation between Cal and Cere in the archive. He asks about her connection to the Force and the dark side, and Cere openly admits she still struggles with it each day, that whenever she feels weak, she thinks of Cal and Trilla and remembers she still has a choice to do better, which gives her strength.

As they close in on the temple to confront Bode, Cal talks to Merrin about his struggle with this “strange” new side to himself ( referring to the moment with Denvik when Cal lost his temper, and Merrin questioned, “Who is this?!” ), his anger towards Bode, Cere’s words of warning—like they both somehow don’t know what the fuck the dark side of the Force looks like.

Merrin responds with, “Cere won her battle with the dark side.” Like straight up says that verbatim; I looked it up. Cere did not overcome her darkness, and that was explicitly told to Cal / the player.

Either Merrin made some wild-ass assumptions about her late friend or isn’t aware of how the dark side can affect a Jedi. And she doesn’t, by the way—not completely. Merrin uses dark magick. The magick Nightsisters utilize is rooted in darkness. This is canon Star Wars lore, legends included. Of course, she would have no idea about the nuances of the Force from the lens of a Jedi.

Maybe worst of all? The scriptwriters forgot they wrote that bit with Cere.

Merrin’s response isn’t just a bad line—it undermines her role in the conversation and comes off as somewhat manipulative, especially when it follows so closely after her insistence that they must even the score and kill Bode. It almost felt like a strange platitude, like she was trying to reassure him with a “it’s okay, this happened” kind of statement, when, well, it really isn’t. This shouldn’t be brushed off. It should be at the forefront of their minds.

A general lack of understanding regarding the Jedi makes the most sense, but it doesn’t make the exchange any better. Cal was clearly scared. Why else would he bring it up? I like Merrin a lot, but it was odd of her to so quickly brush aside his deepest fears with an inaccurate statement about something she likely may not fully grasp.

At the end of the day, I get it. Really, I do. Merrin was furious and grief-stricken. I also completely understand this “avenge the lost” perspective from a Nightsister. But Cal isn’t a Nightsister. Cal is a Jedi.

But he’s going to listen to Merrin. She’s one of the last people he has left. And at this point, Cal has been drowning in grief and anger for so long that there’s no one left to pull him to shore. No one is able to understand him as a Jedi. Realizing this… was sad.

I love Merrin as a character, but I don’t think she’s what Cal needs right now. Not like this—not in this aspect. She can say these things and even act on her emotions if she wants. All of this is super fitting for her character and as a Nightsister, but not for Cal. The Order may be gone, but that doesn’t change who he is and what he still believes himself to be.

Only a Sith deals in absolutes. A Sith will never concede.

Jedi are peacekeepers. They will always seek compromise over conflict.

The Sith see this as weakness—but that’s the difference. A Jedi will always choose peace over violence. Life over death. Mercy over vengeance.

Then, there’s Cal at the end.

Look, Bode wasn’t innocent. He wasn’t a good man. He murdered Cordova in cold blood, stole the compass, and led the Empire straight to Cere’s archive, an act that cost hundreds of lives.

This databank entry in the game: “As they fight through the Lucrehulk, Bode realizes his feelings for Cal are now more than an act, a revelation that is fleetingly joyous, then crushingly frustrating,” is heartbreaking to me. Bode didn’t want to betray Cal, and he struggled with this decision alone. There are several more enlightening databank entries, and it’s all so, so tragic. Yet it changes nothing.

At best, Bode is an anti-villain. At worst, he’s a heartless traitor. And yet… I can’t shake the feeling that he deserved more in the end.

I don’t want to sound overly sympathetic towards Bode, and I’m not saying the writers should have spared him. His death was inevitable. But the sheer cruelty from everyone—the main protagonists included—left me utterly speechless by the end of the final battle.

You can’t corner a frightened animal and expect it not to bite you.

You can’t say “she will be safe,” “it’s over,” and “lay down your weapon” and think it won’t further alarm an already panic-stricken man. You can’t take the one thing a man cares about more than anything else in the galaxy—his anchor, his reason for living—and hold it hostage, then act surprised when he snaps in half.

You can’t take a man’s daughter and expect him to believe you won’t use her against him. Not after Commander Denvik. Denvik, his former colleague and handler from the Clone Wars, who reduced Bode to an indentured servant. Who dangled the illusion of safety—with a single condition: become a weapon for the Empire. Serve the very beast that killed your wife.

You can’t keep using a man’s daughter as a bargaining chip without him becoming hysterical. Yet Merrin and Cal kept pulling Kata back into the fray. As though Bode didn’t already know the stakes. As if he didn’t already understand this might be the day he died.

Bode didn’t want his daughter to see him die. Yet Merrin kept dragging Kata back into the danger, instead of getting her to safety. What an unbelievably heartless role to give her.

Aerielle asked me why Merrin would do that, provoke Bode with Kata in a way that only escalated the situation. I reasoned that maybe she was scared to leave Cal for longer than necessary. Save the kid, then jump back into the fight. I’ve tried being charitable about this scene, but I have no words for what came next—because Bode did exactly what Merrin and Cal had been doing with Kata throughout the fight: endangering a loved one. In this case, Merrin.

Cal’s initial shot wasn’t lethal. Although Bode was down, bleeding out, survival wasn’t off the table. It’s possible he could’ve made it. They could’ve talked. Hell, even locked him away, forced him to face what all he had done. But Cal took one look at Merrin, recalled all of his fear and pain, and then murdered a man.

Jedi do not seek revenge. They don’t “avenge” the fallen. Jedi grieve, trust in the Force—and let go. They don’t carry anger and pain and let it fester into justification. That is the path to the Dark Side. That is the way of the Sith.

This is the most unbecoming behavior I’ve ever seen from Cal, and it’s so sad to see him stumble this far from where he was in Fallen Order. I can’t believe his moral compass from five years ago is stronger than his current one.

Cal chose poorly in the end. And he has no one—and I mean no one—to tell him otherwise. Cere and Cordova are gone.

And yes, I’m well aware he’s deeply traumatized and lacks proper Jedi training to handle these aspects of himself. Cere tried, but five years was not enough time, and the conditions for his training weren’t exactly ideal.

I’m not saying any of this is easy because it isn’t. But that doesn’t make it any less painful to watch. I understand this is part of his journey. I just wish he hadn’t taken this road.

Because what is pain but a story of mercy?

Then, there’s the final scene.

Cal saying “I almost lost myself” after doing everything a “fallen” person would do ( blind rage, force choke, threaten murder, then actually murdering someone ) is absolutely rich. Yeah, you fell. Did you fall completely? No. You touched the dark side. Dipped your toe into the chasm and felt its instantaneous pull.

I’m pretty sure if you asked a casual player, they would say Dagan fell. I mean, Cal himself called Dagan a fallen Jedi. They’d probably say Bode fell, too, given everything he did. But Cal did much of the exact same shit they had, sans bleeding his crystal.

Sorry, buddy, but you’re acting just like them, and it appears you don’t even fully realize it! Because no matter how you hack it, Bode’s death doesn’t fall into the definition of a mercy kill!

How incredibly blinded he is by grief and loss. He’s straying far from the path, yet he still calls himself a Jedi, even after everything he’s done. At this point, I don’t believe his concept of a Jedi is the same anymore. His perception of the Jedi and their ideals have been irrevocably warped by his experiences.

The way I see it, Cal’s decision to murder Bode feels akin to Anakin’s slaughter of the Tuskens.

Completely different scale of violence, I know, but hear me out: the Tuskens took Anakin’s mother, the most important person in his life at the time. His fear and anxiety built up over months, and no one listened when he tried reaching out. They turned him away, advised him to deal with his attachments—the supposed root cause of his trepidation and paranoia. In his eyes, Anakin lost his mother because of their indifference, because they ignored what he knew to be true, so he snapped.

Anakin lost himself; he massacred an entire Tusken village. Afterward? He was a sobbing, broken mess. He sought vengeance, gave in to rage, and recognized what he’d done.

Cal murdering Bode? He justified it. Didn’t blink twice. That’s what unsettles me the most. I can’t tell if this is dogshit writing or if they’re setting him up to become a so-called Gray Jedi or whatever—but even the concept of a Gray Jedi doesn’t fit in this context. Cal committed an objectively horrible act—and he doesn’t even recognize the cruelty of his own actions.

Falling to the dark side isn’t like stepping off a cliff. It’s a slow descent. It’s one step at a time, each one feeling like it’s justifiable until you’re suddenly free-falling into an abyss.

In the final scene, while standing on that cliff, Cal confesses to the Force ( or Cere ) that he’s afraid of what’s ahead. And you know what? I believe him. Five years of hardship didn’t thicken his skin—it thinned it.

BONUS: also, the writers somehow failed at writing a fucking child. You wanna tell me this lil baby toddler cried over her mom’s death for years but didn’t shed a single tear for her father? Must be a psychopath child then ( /j ), because holy shit, you just saw your dad get beat up and murdered in front of you, and you’re chill with it. Even warmed up to your father’s killers within two seconds. Okay then. Very cool. Nice little creepy pseudo family ya got there. Fuck that particular part of the game. That’s just fucking weird, man.

I love this game. I hate this game. I love this game. I hate this game.

#( . this had to be done. now i can FINALLY start writing cal lol #( . wow i need a headcanon tag #˒*:･ﾟ･ ( ooc ) *･ﾟ⨯ ⎸ 𝙸 𝙰𝙼 𝙽𝙾 𝙹𝙴𝙳𝙸‚ 𝙻𝙸𝙺𝙴 𝙼𝚈 𝙵𝙰𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚁 𝙱𝙴𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙴 𝙼𝙴.#˒*:･ﾟ･ ( musings ) *･ﾟ⨯ ⎸ 𝙼𝚈 𝙷𝙴𝙰𝙳 𝙸𝚂 𝙱𝙻𝙾𝙾𝙳𝚈 𝙱𝚄𝚃 𝚄𝙽𝙱𝙾𝚆𝙴𝙳.#techniiciian #˒*:･ﾟ･ ( hc ) *･ﾟ⨯ ⎸ 𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙴𝚈𝙴𝚂 𝙰𝚁𝙴 𝙵𝚄𝙻𝙻 𝙾𝙵 𝚃𝙴𝚁𝚁𝙸𝙱𝙻𝙴 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝙵𝙴𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂.

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ryuichirou · 10 months ago

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Replies

A bunch of replies todayyy! Sorry for the wait!

Anonymous asked:

Wha…what is with all the gaslighting discourse?

A waste of our precious time, Anon.

It started with some Anon being frustrated with me talking about Jade being a gaslighter in a hc post about twst boys being horrible to their lovers, and then them calling Rook a gaslighter instead. I was confused about this ask and replied half-jokingly, but the Anon came back trying to explain themselves once more. So I wrote another reply where I stated my position loudly and clearly: I do not agree with that Anon, I will continue drawing and writing Rook and Jade as I please, and I do not like how the Anon approached this topic by basically telling me that because it upsets them personally, I should reconsider how I view the characters. I find this type of rhetoric manipulative and unfair not only to us, but to the rest of people here: I can’t prioritise one person’s trauma over others’. I also really don’t like it when someone tries to assess my personal views on things by the type of fiction that I like and the way I see and portray certain characters. This is literally why we shoo away everyone who acts disgusted because of some of our ships, and this situation is no different to me. “I really don’t like it = this is dangerous” is manipulative, no matter how you cut it.

Anyways, then there was that Anon to whom I replied yesterday! And it was a nice ask, I had fun thinking about what to write. They actually sent their ask a month ago, just as this whole thing was happening, but I took my time because I was busy, but wanted to reply properly. Just like I said before, I love talking about characters a lot, and even if I disagree with someone, as long as they aren’t trying to force their point of view on me or imply that I don’t get it or I am stupid, I like hearing different interpretations of characters. Even if it feels completely off to how I view it, I can appreciate or at least respect it if they respect the way I do things. And don’t imply that I don’t get it or I am stupid.

So yeah, this is everything I have to say about this lol But you can read more on this topic; I believe there are plenty of other posts on this site, apparently this discussion has been going on for years. I really have no idea what there is to even discuss though.

Anonymous asked:

I know you haven’t talked about twst cast being parents for awhile, but I couldn’t help but come up with an azuide kid scenario. Imagine the kid is constantly feeling so much pressure from Azul’s expectations that when they fail a test after enrolling into NRC, the kid just SNAPS, overbloting and having a complete breakdown. And Ortho gives Azul and Idia a look that screams “See? I TOLD you so!”

It really has been a while! We don’t really think about family topics all that often though, so I guess it’s not very surprising lol

Thank god AzuIde kid has Ortho around because these two aren’t at all helpful with Idia hiding in his room for the majority of time and Azul almost being the second Riddle’s mom lol If it takes less time for them to overblot than it did for poor Riddle, it’s going to be very impressive. ESPECIALLY if the kid has Shroud blood, which means that they shouldn’t be able to overblot easily, if at all…

This is some great parenting right here.

Anonymous asked:

How do you think diasomnia would celebrate silver's birthday :)? I feel like Lilia would end up doing the least most birthdays,,, where he just ends up having sex, doing what he wanted anyway while barely being nicer to him than usual. Silver would be so grateful still lol

Anon, I am so sorry because I didn’t reply in time I completely missed the time when it would be perfect…. Sweet Silver, my precious fellow Taurus, I have failed you. 😔 But it’s better late than never!

I feel like Silver mentioned that they celebrate it together every year and take a picture together, and to be honest, I think Lilia actually cares a lot about making Silver’s birthday feel special. Even thinking back on how he made sure Silver would experience trick-or-treating on Halloween despite not having any neighbours, Lilia seems like someone who likes doing this type of thing. Silver himself doesn’t really care much though.

This doesn’t mean that Silver wouldn’t be very grateful even for a bare minimum of course, I think he gets this feeling of “there’s more?” every year after only receiving this “doing the least” level of attention from Lilia at first. Maybe Lilia would try to prank him as if he forgot about his birthday, but… Silver himself wouldn’t remember, so this isn’t much of a prank :(

Also ALSO! When it comes to sex, you are right; Lilia would present it as something special for Silver only, but he would ABSOLUTELY end up just going whatever he himself wanted to do lol

Anonymous asked:

Have you heard how horny Rollo is for the bell tho? Now that's a paraphilia if I've ever seen one. No clue how it would even work but mark my words, that boy will either fuck the bell or get fucked by the bell one way or another

Anonymous asked:

Rollo anon here, Malleus sneaks into the belltower to get railed by the gargoyles and comes face to face with Rollo getting off to the bell

Anon THIS PIECE OF ROLLO LORE IS SUCH A TREASURE (in the most unhinged horny unholy way possible). Just as with Gargoyles (both with Rollo and with Malleus), this is something that’s been on the back of my mind since we’ve heard this information lol There has to be a way… The bell is magical for a reason…

God Rollo would absolutely hate being interrupted and SEEN by Malleus of all people. Wait until he hears about the reasons why Malleus is even there, heheh.

eh-nonnie-mouse asked:

True, Sebek is too hard on (pun intended) for Malleus to slip up unless he's REALLY distracted. Also can you two imagine...Lilia physically shows Sebek how to move using Silver as the example and then letting Sebek try right after, guiding Sebek's hips every once in a while to correct his rhythm and or movements he gets to stick it in.

(this is related to this post)

I’ll be honest, this is so stupidly easy to imagine that I don’t know if we should judge ourselves or Lilia for this LOL

He just wants to ensure that he has taught these boys everything that they need to know… This is a very important part of their training. Sebek is becoming a man. 🥹

Anonymous asked:

Yes yes, Jack has a knot, does that mean Leona and Che'nya have barbs? Is Ruggie's grandma packing? Twins in merform with no balls? Followup question: Who would be most into all the different kind of dicks?

Yes yes yes and yes. Someone also mentioned a possibility of Malleus having two dicks lol I always forget about all that stuff when it matters (i.e. when I actually draw it), and it sucks; we need more beastboy dicks! And Ruggie’s grandma too I guess… powerful woman :(

Now that I think about it, I really don’t draw balls when I draw Twins in their merform. But with merman in general, in our case it’s usually something that makes no sense biologically lol but at least it’s fun! And very hot.

As for the follow-up question, damn it I feel like the only correct answer here is Rook fucking Hunt, but since we don’t really see him on the receiving end of things, he is just here to appreciate.

Also you know, wild card? Riddle. He just isn’t aware of it yet. Also Idia because he has no choice and he’s seen too much weird porn.

#replies

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flowwochair · 1 year ago

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Doves and their Peculiar Taste (Aimevout) - Prologue

After much debate (and because apparently I have to wait to make an AO3 account????) I decided to post the prologue to the fic I have been working on here, depending on how long AO3 takes to release me from purgatory I might just go ahead and post the chapters I have so far on here too. NOTE: The fanfic starts with Aimée's engagement to Lannes and is meant to end with her wedding to Davout following her as she becomes disillusioned with Lannes and falls in love with Davout, who she meets by chance at an event hosted by her brother, the prologue is set before this. Although I tried to stick as much as possible to historical accuracy here there will most likely be bits that are not as accurate. I attempted to be as accurate as I could be to Aimée's initial engagement to Lannes and how things were going back then but I don't have a lot of specific info on that and the specific circumstances she was in and this fic is largely my own creative take on how the engagement was dissolved and how Davout and Aimée met. In reality, I don't even know if Davout and Aimée had met at all prior to their wedding, let alone have a soapy lovey dovey will they won't they slowburn romance develop between them. Likewise, I did my own take in characterization to some extent, I wrote the characters involved the way I see them/think of them, but some of them will change throughout the fic (notably Lannes, Davout, and Aimée). I apologize for any historical inaccuracies, like I said this is my own creative take about a very specific situation which I don't have a lot of insight on :((( . TLDR: there will probably be some historical inaccuracies here and there PLEASE dont be mean to me about it or I'm gonna cry and show up in your living room and throw up on your carpet, thank you. Anyways, enjoy.

Prologue – Scene 1

“An illegitimate child with another man?”

The words slapped Lannes back into consciousness as they left Bonaparte’s mouth.

“I find I should be concerned myself, my situation is not much better than yours, but, how do you feel?”

Lannes realized he had been venting to Napoleon without a second thought, and only then did the reality hit him. What now? Well, Napoleon was the best person to ask wasn’t he? “What now?” Lannes looked up at Bonaparte with a puzzled look, seeming almost as if half awake. “I guess I need a new wife”. Bonaparte could see his sorrow being converted into anger, typical for Lannes given his nature, “And have you thought of someone?” he asked, to which he earned a quick reply from Lannes’s increasing frustration “Fuck no.”

Bonaparte reclined on his chair, staring down at Lannes who sat on a camp bed, his back hunched, his eyes on the floor. “Lannes,” as Bonaparte called, he looked up, eyebrows still furrowed, “You’ve become a close friend to me… and what do we want in life if not to see our friends cared for?”. Lannes’s expression changed to one of confusion, “What? Do you have someone in mind?”, he didn’t like it when Napoleon was vague with him. “I have already sought connections for my sisters, they are cared for, however, they themselves have connections which aren’t.”

“Well honestly I’m not sure if I wanna think about women at all right now.” Lannes hastily got up as he spoke, grabbing his hat in the process and turning towards the tent’s opening, until Napoleon stood up and grabbed him by the arm, “God, listen to me won’t you” with a movement of his chin he gestured towards he chair he previously occupied, “Sit.”

“Fine”, Lannes sat “Hurry up.” “My sister, Pauline, is married to Charles Leclerc, you know him do you not?” “Yeah whatever I think so”, Lannes gestured vaguely. “Leclerc has unmarried sisters, one in particular who is at proper age, Louise-Aimée-Julie Leclerc.” “I never met this girl.” “I have heard and read snippets of her character here and there, she seems like a docile girl, well behaved, just a bit shy but perfect for marriage, especially as a rebound after something like this. Not to mention, by marrying her, you would be brought into my family through her connection to my sister. You would be cared for in being provided with a good loving wife, a wealthy familial connection to the Leclercs, and a connection to me.” He spoke more as if he were pitching a business deal than as if he were pitching a marriage.

Lannes still looked at him, but this time with some interest. It would seem the ‘sales’ pitch may have been successful at hooking him in. Access to wealth… a connection to Napoleon… a docile wife who would not give him a bastard child. “Huh… What does she look like?”.

“Brunette, brown eyes, small stature, she is quite petite.” Bonaparte replied, still in the tone of someone selling furniture. “Well you know how I am-“ “I do and I am hoping you would not take such a style with her.” Bonaparte replied sternly, “Her brother is quite protective of her Lannes, you should treat her as a crystal if anything.” “Sure… well, fine, let’s give it a shot.” Lannes said, standing up once again, this time with a much more interested expression. “Great.” Napoleon stood up as well, extending his hand towards Lannes, “I will propose the idea to Leclerc tomorrow, he has been looking for a suitor to his sister, surely he will be pleased.” Lannes shook his hand “Surely”, he said with a smirk.

Lannes, having put his hat back on, then left Napoleon’s tent, as Napoleon sought an aide to write a letter to Leclerc on his behalf.

Prologue – Scene 2 Egypt had been hell for everyone involved, by then the campaign was falling apart and if anyone knew this for certain it was its leader, Napoleon Bonaparte, his return to France was already in plans. One of the many men condemned to stay in the hellish uncaring desert was one Louis Nicolas Davout. In a situation not too dissimilar from that of Lannes, having recently divorced his wife for an incident of a similar nature, he was down on his luck, one of the few things which at the very least kept him alive was his friendship to one Louis Desaix. “Davout?”, Desaix whispered, entering Davout’s messy tent, a stained jacket sat in rough shape on a chair near his bed, where Davout himself was sitting, staring at his glasses, the left lens badly shattered.

“Still awake hm?” Desaix sat on the chair facing him, his eyes attempting to meet Davout’s downward gaze. “Mhm.” He didn’t speak much, he never did, even to his closest friends, but still Desaix could read him so well, and he knew Davout was tired, he had been for a while. Desaix gently took the pair of glasses from Davout’s hands, which made Davout look up at him, “I’ll get take these with me, and send you a brand new pair from France! Whaddya think?” Desaix smiled at him. Although his expression did not change, Desaix could tell Davout’s mood had lightened slightly at the interaction. “Have you thought about what I said to you?”, Desaix kept his eyes fixed on Davout, concentrating in reading his expression. Davout looked down again, making Desaix concerned. “I don’t see the point. I tried once, it did not go well, why should I try again? I doubt it would result in success, besides I don’t have much to offer, it would simply be a pointless transaction on both ends.” Davout answered in a matter-of-fact manner, he looked up at Desaix once more with a straight expression. “You just haven’t met the right girl yet, you’ll see”, Desaix had been insisting a similar plea to Davout for long now, it wasn’t the first time Davout had heard him say this. “I am to return soon… I could… I could sneak you, yes, in the ship back to France, and-“ “General Bonaparte would never-“ “I don’t care what he has to say! I’ll sneak you in, I’ll take you to France, maybe you’ll meet someone there! Maybe at least you’ll change your mind, I could-“ “Desaix.” At this point, Davout was looking at him with concern. Desaix realized he was failing at hiding his distress. “I’m sorry.” He realized he had lifted off the chair towards Davout when he was speaking, he sat back down. “I worry about leaving you alone, I really do.” He placed his elbows on his knees and rested his chin on his knuckles. There was silence between them for a little while.

“I’ll be fine,” Davout spoke, as he did Desaix looked up at him, his smile slowly reappearing. “I suppose as long as I am alive I am fine”, Davout shrugged. “Surely”, Desaix chuckled. Hesitantly, he stood up. “Keep me informed Davout, we should meet as soon as you yourself return to France, which I am hoping will be soon.” “I’ll try to remember to write to you, but you should write to me when you get there.” Davout responded, Desaix laughed at his response much to Davout’s confusion. “I will, have a good night Davout, I hope you’ll be at the port before I leave.” “I am hoping you do not intend to-“ “I won’t sneak you into the ship I swear! I just want to say my goodbyes that’s all” Desaix spoke honestly. “I’ll be there.” In a rare sight, Davout smiled at Desaix. “See you.” Desaix gave Davout a pat on the shoulder before leaving his tent, still holding Davout’s glasses in his left hand. Not long after, Davout blew the only lit candle inside the tent, and tried his best to fall asleep.

Surely I’ll be fine.

#idk what's wrong with the line spacing and idk how to fix it xoxo #this is literally the first fic I ever wrote in my entire life please don't be mean to me #napoleonic era #napoleonic #napoleons marshals #louis nicolas davout #aimevout #aimée davout #aimée leclerc #jean lannes #napoleonic fan fic #fanfic

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skywalking-through-life · 8 months ago

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Much delayed, but for the truth-or-dare ask game: 🍓🥑🥤🧃 (🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷)

My friend! 💙💙💙💙💙

These are such good ones, omg. Sorry in advance for the word vomit, lolol

🍓 - How did you get into writing fanfiction?

Okay, so I've kind of been writing fic in my head (and sometimes in notebooks/random word documents) since I was about 8 years old, and I first realized that 'writing stories' was 1) a thing ANYONE could do, and also, sometimes, 2) a job that required refined skills, lol. When you're a kid you're told (if you're lucky) that you can do anything that you put your mind to, and little Sky loved stories more than most other things, so I couldn't imagine doing something with the rest of my life that didn't involve them! So I started practicing. The first fanfic I ever wrote was in a journal, and it was only a few pages long because I did not have great penmanship and was impatient with own slowness, lol. I'm fairly certain I was embarrassed by my efforts and threw them out. For a long time I wrote elaborate stories in my head instead, and didn't start actually doing the (MUCH harder) work of putting them on paper until high school. But I was also having a complex at that point in my life around acceptability/popularity and anxiety around being perceived as a nerd, so I was way too terrified to tell anyone I was writing it. And then I was so disillusioned by the meanness that I saw in online fandom spaces that it still took years before I got up the courage to post any of it publicly! I've had an ao3 account for the past decade, and was a lurker for a good five years before that, but I didn't start posting my own work until just under two years ago. That ought to say something, I think. 💀

🥑 - you accidentally killed someone, which mutal(s) do you text for help?

LOL, heaven forbid I ever find myself in this situation, but if so...honestly probably you, lmao, and some other folks on here that I don't think have ever been involved in crimes, but are otherwise competent, functioning adults who don't shy away from difficult/grey situations - at least in fiction, lol. @60sec400 @darkmagyk @phykios @deerlie-main , I hope you are not insulted by this. 💀

🥤- recommend an author or fanfic you love

I just did this the other week - and apparently y'all really needed recs, wow! - so I'm kind of wracking my brain here to rec something I haven't already recommended recently...there are a LOT of good options to choose from! I guess I'll go with 'percy jackson and the scrutiny of his coworkers', which is an absolutely BRILLIANT outsider pov fic by pqrker on ao3. It's popular for a reason, and the reason being that it is perfect. 🥹

🧃- share some personal lore you've never posted about before

Ooooo, hmm, what to pick, what to pick...hmm, okay, I'll go with this. A segue from my first answer, lol. I was nominated for Homecoming Queen in high school, and was the first runner up, so - hilariously - became the Homecoming Princess. It was my teen movie Cinderella-story moment, because I had always been the shy nerd in the back of the classroom, but then all of a sudden was in a fancy dress on the football field getting a crown and wondering what parallel universe and/or Taylor Swift song I'd just fallen into. And weirdly enough, knowing that I hadn't done anything special to be nominated - that people had just liked me - went a long way towards me being able to accept myself more holistically. Maybe if they liked me enough for that, I could like me enough to try and see what they saw, you know? It was years ago now, but it is a fond and bizarre memory, and was very helpful to a confused and anxious 17 year old! 😅

You may have gotten more than you planned with this ask, lol, but thank you for asking, my friend. 💙

#writer truth or dare ask #will sky ever learn to be concise?#unlikely

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quohotos · 7 months ago

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So I'm sure no one remembers this anymore but it's been eating up my mind and I might as well get it out. There's this service called Carfax or some shit, and they pay for youtube ads. In one of them they have their mascot, this like fiver-ass animated furry, known as the carfax fox. Get it? Carfax? Carfox? Whatever, he looks like shit. Well he speaks in this snarky Ben Shapiro ass voice and explains that Carfax shows you the damage history of a vehicle so you can know it's true value. To illustrate his point, he has behind him two identical twins with two identical cars. Then through the magic of carfax or some shit the car on the right starts to rapidly morph from a normal car to a totalled wreck, I guess to illustrate how its damage history is being brought to light. This puts the twin on the right into a state of distress and causes the twin on the left to point and laugh.

"HA! Your damage has always been visible!" the guy says, pointing and laughing at his own brother.

It hangs for a beat where the other brother just looks so emotionally distraught. He's shocked and confused that someone so close to him would ever say something so unhinged and cruel. Like you just say that to someone? To your brother no less.

He stutters and then simply says: "We're twins!"

And then the add just fucking ends. Right there. Idk maybe they cut away to some slogan but it's the last we see of them and then your youtube video plays.

Excuse me what the fuck? What kind of martian wrote this?

Your damage has always been visible? What brings a person to say something like that. What does it even mean? I can tell you're traumatized, I can tell you're struggling, you're trying to hide it but I can see. I can see you're damaged goods, brother, and I find that funny. I laugh. I laugh at your weakness.

And don't you be fooled into thinking this is just some sort of edgy east coast style tear each other down humor, the twin on the right looks genuinely hurt. All he can do is appeal, brother how could you betray me like this? Are we not cut from the same cloth?

And why, why would he do this? Over a car? To impress some red fox who can't even make it up to his calf? Yes he appears large because of forced perspective but he could, would, and should drop kick the fucking carfax fox given the first opportunity. See the fox also thinks it's funny, or at the very least doesn't react. To him nothing matters beyond the monetary value of a vehicle. Human emotions, compassion, all that? It just gets in the way.

Oh god, did he coach the other twin? Maybe he wasn't always this way. Maybe the carfax fox has been corrupting him.

Just put yourself in the poor twin's shoes. It's been months, you haven't heard from your brother. You see him post on Instagram, but less and less does he actually have room for you in his life. You see photos of him, him and this fucking fox. Drinking, going to parties, their relationship status changes. Your twin brother, he's gay, and dating a fox. He didn't tell you, you're twins but apparently this wasn't worth mentioning. Maybe he didn't feel safe telling you. It keeps you up at night. You thought you were close.

Then a text message comes out of the blue. "Remember that car you're trying to sell, you haven't found a buyer yet, right?" Not hello, nothing like that, just straight to business.

"Yeah," you reply back, before clarifying, "It still hasn't sold."

"My boyfriend has this app for selling cars, do you think you could bring it by to the studio, we were thinking of using it in an ad."

"Yeah sure, totally, bro."

"Awesome. Would you like to be in the ad? You just need to stand there next to your car. It'll really help it sell"

"Uhh... sure, I guess," you reply back.

It's a nice car, but yeah you are struggling to sell it. You've had it for like eight years and put a lot of work into it. Real ship of thesus type vehicle. Selling it is important, but not really your priority.

"How've you been, man?" you text back.

No reply. Minutes later the typing bubbles pop up. He just ignores your message, it's just a date and time.

You show up as requested, it's a sound stage. A producer helps you get your car in the building. Some makeup people give you a once over, someone puts a lapel mic on your shirt. You finally see your twin brother, on the other side of the stage is a car that looks just like yours. Same make, same model, same color. Maybe it's a rental. Then you see him.

Your brother, he's there with that fox, they're laughing about something but you can't hear it.

You introduce yourself, but as soon as you approach the smiles stop. It's awkward. Were they laughing at you? You have so many questions, so much to catch up, but apparently your brother's boyfriend isn't even happy to see you.

"You don't have any lines, don't worry, you just look forward and smile."

Your brother produces a plastic bag of cocaine and you watch as the fox snorts it off of the hood of the rental car like it's nothing, in view of everyone.

"All right, it's showtime folks," he says, and suddenly everyone's moving. Your brother scowls at you.

"Get to your place," he says. You're shocked, shocked by his tone, but a split second later he's back to smiling for the camera.

The first take is messed up because you're not in place yet. The fox berates you, tells you to get it together. This isn't him, this isn't right. What does he see in this guy. Is he just leeching off of his money, would your twin brother even do that? You thought you knew him.

They reset from the top, you smile into the lights, into the cameras. The fox is saying something about damage history. Whatever, it's a car sale app or something. Then to your horror you hear the sound of bending metal and shattering glass. You turn to see your car, totaled in an instant. What? How? What did they do?

Your eyes shoot around the room. The fox won't even look at you, his tail swishing back and forth playfully.

"Ha, your damage has always been visible."

You turn to see your brother pointing and laughing. Your damage has always been visible? What does that mean? What does that even mean.

"We're twins!" you say, mouth agape in disbelief.

This isn't him this isn't right.

"Alright, I think we got it. We don't need you anymore," the fox says, finally turning to you.

"Bro, what's... what's gotten into you?" you sputter.

His guffaws, they're softer now, just a slight chuckle and smirk.

"You're weak," he says, "Just like your fucking car."

Whoever this person is, he's not the brother your grew up with. Not the shoulder you cried on, not the guy you shared a pokemon emerald save with, not the one that you did matching Halloween costumes with for fifteen years straight. No, no he's something else now, and all because of that fucking fox.

"You son of a bitch!" you shout, lunging for him.

The fox seems only mildly amused as you're grabbed by security, dragged out kicking and screaming.

"I'll kill you, what did you do to my brother?" you demand.

"Your damage has always been visible," your brother laughs. That's the last you ever see of him.

#journal #ads #carfax #quohotos' unhinged rants no one asked for

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notedchampagne · 2 years ago

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i know this is a big ask but you seem knowledgable! i have no idea what homestuck is, wasn't it an online comic that internet (tumblr) went full ham on? i don't know if it's like, monster fantasy or cyberpunk, much less what the plot actually is. (and it apparently goes second person a lot so people just assumed harrow the ninth was Like That and didn't question the Plot Point.) But people like it and apparently it has a recognizable fanartist style lol

anyways my question is, since tamsyn muir is a fan of it and people can tell that from the locked tomb books, do you know how homestuck could have influenced the locked tomb? how different might the series have been if tazmuir hadn't been a homestuck fan? like, i'm kinda confused but intrigued by how the locked tomb fandom is able to tell all this about the author/series and wanted to find out some more about it from people who are in both fandoms.

dw if you don't have a good answer, honestly i just don't know where to start by trying to look it up on my own. Thanks, have a good day!

homestuck is a webcomic set in 2009 about four children that play a video game that ends their world via meteors, and their game session coincides with multiple other player sessions in a way that ends up becoming larger than what it was before.

tamsyn muir wrote promstuck and the serendipity gospels which were both very well known fics from what ive heard. personally i havent read either of them so unfortunately i wouldnt be able to compare either, but there are a few connections between tlt and hs that i can place (htn spoilers):

meme reference: "i warned you about the stairs bro"

homestuck has a thing called dream bubbles, which are post-death spaces where ghosts are able to interact with the alive in a merge between fictional and real spaces. hi harrow hi palamedes hi abigail

homestuck is narrated in second person in the sense of ==> being someone. hi gideon

hs 🤝 tlt god is just some guy

taz said gideons sunglasses are borrowed from homestucks dave strider

#talking back #homestuck #the locked tomb

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stillthewc · 7 months ago

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YEAR OF THE FANGAN - AUGUST EDITION

ꕥ DANGANRONPA: DRIVEN BETRAYAL ꕥ

It's time to talk about one of the few fangans I've actually been following the production on! Driven Betrayal has been on my radar for a while now, with me pretty much solely using Twitter to sporadically check in on the story's development. So, I was ecstatic when I heard the news that the prologue was dropping this month, and taken aback by just how good it was!

For starters, I was pleasantly surprised to learn just how this fangan was formatted in the first place: a mix of longer-form videos on Youtube, and story posts on Instagram. I've never encountered a fangan that uses mixed media before (outside of maybe Penguinronpa, but that's moreso posting their slides on Youtube rather than blending both mediums at once), so it automatically adds some charm points to the story.

However, what really drew me into this story is the central premise of it: it follows Ennosuke, a survivor from a previous killing game who find himself thrust into a new one, with only his past experiences and connection to private investigator Jun to help him through it. From the pre-prologue alone so many interesting questions are raised about this story: how will Ennosuke once again deal with a situation so traumatic to him the first time? What connection does the previous game's mastermind have to this new one? Were Jun's motivations for joining the new killing game truly just to investigate it? There's so much unexplored territory that makes it all the more interesting to follow, which I see as an absolute plus in a genre filled with more by-the-books, solely-focused-on-cast-intros-and-set-dressing prologues.

Speaking of Ennosuke, he's officially joined the roster of "fangan main characters I adore just as much as the side cast", a rare feat very few protags have the honor of having! Really, the foundational work for his character set up by this prologue is amazing: as a survivor of the previous killing game (and one who seemed like a once-irrelevant side character from my understanding of the pre-prologue), he's left with heavy trauma about the event, having since given up his kendoka talent and becoming a more closed-off and jaded person. With the story laying out a trust vs. distrust theme, I'm excited to see just how he develops, especially since both Fujiko's role in the prologue and Takako's involvement in promotional materials seem to serve as a direct counter to Ennosuke's closed-off demenor.

That's not to say the side cast is slouching at all though, since right off the bat I adore pretty much all of them! More goofy characters like Rie and Fumiaki do a good job at helping the prologue feel light and breezy, more logical-minded characters like Jun and Yoshimitsu make sure the tone stays grounded, and there's even some more relatively-normal characters with fun quirks, like Dai and Shigetoki. Because of it, the cast is super well-balanced tonally, and are a joy to watch the interactions of!

And that's it, that's all! Seriously, go check this thing out if you have the chance, and as per usual, I'll see you in the next one!

FORMAT: "Instaronpa" / Video

WHERE TO FIND IT: On both Youtube and Instagram (please note that both formats work in service of one another! If you solely consume one of these, you're probably gonna get super confused, lol)

FAVORITE MOMENT: The argument between Ennosuke and fellow first-killing-game-survivor Hibuko in the pre-prologue (but if you wish to exclude that, I'd say Ennosuke and Jun speaking to one another just before the mascots show up, and Ennosuke realizing his worst fears are right)

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Fumiaki Hosekawa. Due to his status as the Qualified Youth Parody Artist, he's naturally a cocky, carefree goof who makes confusing "jokes", doesn't have any tact whatsoever, and butts heads with the more-mature Ennosuke (and apparently wrote all Minecraft / video game song parodies in this world? Seriously, that's amazing)

OTHER STANDOUT CHARACTERS: Yoshimitsu Masako, my pre-story fave whose calm demeanor and immediate desire for logical deductionism already makes him a great leader (even if I don't see him living for very long because of it, lol), and Ennosuke Shiokawa, for all the reasons listed in the main article.

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alexjcrowley · 9 months ago

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I NEED ADVICE FROM AO3 USERS PLEASE

So I have this fanfiction I am working on and it's about a two white guys (it's an important detail for later) getting together, let's call them A and B. I don't want to reveal who they are, but suffice to say they're a moderately popular ship that has existed for a long time (my fanfiction is about one of many adaptations of a beloved source material).

A and B are a fanon ship: in the specific adaptation I am interested in, the love interest of character A is a girl and a person of colour (this will be relevant later), let's call her C. C is of mixed race in the source material, and in various adaptations she has been cast both as a white person or a person of colour.

I want to say, though, that A, being an extremely popular character, has been shipped with many, many other people before, so it's not really a matter of AxB vs AxC ship wars, I could present a list of I think at least 10 very popular ships in which A in involved.

In my fic, that I am still writing and it's still at its "beginning", I have mentioned C only once. I didn't say anything bad about her, I simply namedropped her: I am planning for her to be a positive character. She will later have a more important role, but that's bedside the point.

I haven't uploaded this fic in a good while, but today in my email I find that I have received a comment in my inbox, saying that it's unbelievable the commitment of people to write fanfictions about AxB, even when the adaptation I am writing about went "faaar out of the way" to make B unfuckable and gave A a love interest, C. The comment also accused everyone who has ever written about this ship of having of a fetish for "white men in their porn" (my fic doesn't have any sex or sexual scene at the moment) and not allow "girls or people of color" (I have not specified the ethnicity of any original character in my fic, and at the moment the most developed of them is a woman).

The comment does not even address me directly, it's a rant that could have easily been Tumblr post, and apparently it's frozen? I don't understand, but I can't reply.

I'll be honest, I don't know what the fuck I am supposed to do in this situation. Do I understanding the sentiment behind the rant? Yes. Do I think she has a point in how ship between a white guy and another white guy are more popular than any other kind of ships in fandom? Sure.

But my fic is pretty much just one amongst the hundreds about this ship. What am I supposed to do about it? It's not like she specified anything specific I said in my fic was racist or sexist, it's just the inherent concept of that ship, I guess. It's not even addressed to me, in a way, it's like the person was talking in general.

Am I a bitch if I decide to delete the comment? I am conflicted. It's not like I disagree with the sentiment of the speech, but it's an upsetting comment to see. I am definitely not one of the main creators or promoters for this ship, this is the first and only public fanfiction I have ever written. I hardly speak of this fic on here.

I haven't updated it in months, many months, so it's not like it could have popped on the general ao3 fandom page for the adaptation it is about. Whoever wrote this comment had to look specifically for my fic and then left that. What do I do about it? Block and delete? Is it acceptable? I have read on ao3 for a long time, but I am new to writing for ao3 and I don't know the etiquette.

I have always been of the idea of "don't like don't read". If you find yourself reading my fic and I say something that's racist/sexist/ableist/discriminatory, please tell me! I will correct it. But looking specifically for something you hate to tell me that you hate it in general, like I was personally responsible and could do something about it, leaves me confused.

Oh and the comment was left under the first chapter. The fic currently has six, and C wasn't mentioned in the first chapter.

EDIT:

Thinking about it, it was pretty fucking weird, because I clicked on the account who sent the comment and they had only written one fanfiction. And it was about a ship with A. But it wasn't with C!!! It was with another white man! So. What the hell. Why are you preaching if even you don't follow through your own principles.

#ao3 #fic #fanfic #fanfiction #help #mlm

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culttvblog · 6 days ago

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Artemis 81 (Sylvia Coleridge Season)

One of the things I appreciate about doing a series of posts about a particular actor is that it invariably brings things to my attention that I haven't seen before. Artemis 81 isn't in this category, since I have tried to watch it several times before, but this has prompted me actually to watch it all the way through for the first time, just for the few seconds where Sylvia Coleridge appears.

It's a magnificent television film, broadcast in one go after Christmas 1981, when I was definitely too young to be allowed to stay up for the three hour marathon. It's about a supernatural author who abruptly finds himself drawn into a rambling apocalypse involving just about everything you could ever include in a film, culminating in a battle between the forces of good and evil. To quote just a few of the reviews so that we know exactly where we are:

'I don't understand it.' - Everyone who's ever watched it.

'Three hours of codswallop.' - Daily Express.

'Unintelligible.' - Sting (who was actually in it, so presumably got a chance to examine the script).

If I say that it was written by David Rudkin, who wrote Penda's Fen, it will immediately become apparent that we're in some fairly difficult territory. I think a lot of what makes this film hard work is that Rudkin is obviously a very clever and knowledgable bloke, and pretty much everything he's ever done is far more high brow than anything what I would normally read or watch. This is not a disadvantage, as it means the film includes elements of mythology, the occult, religion, ancient languages, frankly you name it, and this gives the film a highly layered feel so that different things can strike you. Reading the reviews, I notice that viewers tend to come out with a list of things which have struck them, and I think it's one of those things which would hit you differently with repeated viewings, and get under your skin over a period of years. Of these things I am particularly delighted that there is a character called Magog, and I waited with baited breath until to my gratification, the film drew on the English mythology of the giants Gog and Magog (sometimes a single giant called Gogmagog, and still not to be confused with the Gog and Magog in the Bible).

I didn't get this feel from it myself - for me the pace felt just right - but I see that a lot of reviews say that it is very slow paced. Even with this pace, it starts fairly abruptly and doesn't bother explaining a great deal of what is going on. The reason for this, of course, is to disorientate the viewer and get us ready to receive the initiation which is coming. If I had to compare it to anything, it kept reminding me of Susan Cooper's The Dark is Rising series of children's books, in terms of being very wide-ranging and transformative. If you want a more pop-culture reference, in terms of reach, ambition and potential transformative power, I think the film could be compared to Grant Morrison's The Invisibles graphic novels series.

To my delight Sylvia Coleridge's miniscule role is as a scholar in the library in Oxford who tells the protagonist to fantasise elsewhere, after he has an encounter with a woman, unseen by anyone else, who undoes his flies. She's absolutely perfect in the role, and it's strangely similar to her role in Quiet as a Nun, and being the only sensible one who will actually tell him to stop undressing himself in the library.

I do just have a couple of criticisms. Reviewers really seem to sit up and notice that Sting was cast as the good angel: personally I can't see why, because I think he's perfect in the role. On the other hand I'm less satisfied with the casting of Roland Curram as the evil angel. This is a completely personal opinion, but in my mind Curram is rather type-cast to much lighter entertainment than this, and doesn't come across as having the weight necessary for this serious role. However this may just be me, and I haven't noticed anyone else say this. My other criticism is that I believe the film was originally intended to have funding from Denmark and so be split much more between Britain and Denmark. Despite the Danish funding not appearing, it seems like there are still a lot of mentions of Denmark in the film, which seems strange.

Overall, I'm delighted that doing this series of posts has forced me to get to the end of this film, and it's gone straight into the collection.

This blog is mirrored at

culttvblog.tumblr.com/archive (from September 2023) and culttvblog.substack.com (from January 2023 and where you can subscribe by email)

Archives from 2013 to September 2023 may be found at culttvblog.blogspot.com and there is an incomplete index to the tags used on the Tumblr version at https://www.tumblr.com/culttvblog/729194158177370112/this-blog

There is an index to posts on the Substack version here: https://culttvblog.substack.com/p/index-of-posts?r=1q6qo6&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&triedRedirect=true

About this blog: https://culttvblog.substack.com/about

#80s tv #sylvia coleridge #artemis 81

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kaleidodreams · 3 months ago

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2024 Fanfic in Review

List of fics completed this year Yuri!!! On Ice Solace Inconvenient Crush (Current WIP) Sailor Moon Eternal Dream (actually written a few years ago, but only posted this year) Waking From A Dream

Number of words written: 124,934 words posted, but not all of them were actually written this year. Like I said above, "Eternal Dream" was actually written all the way back in 2021 (I think? Maybe 2020.) for the Drops of Moonlight zine, but manufacturing delays meant I wasn't allowed to post it online until this year. And I think I wrote most (if maybe not all) of "Solace" at the end of last year. A lot of "Inconvenient Crush" was also written a while back, so it's really hard to say how much I actually wrote in 2024 (keeping in mind what hasn't been posted of IC yet)!

Your most popular fic: Definitely "Solace", with 64 kudos.

Your personal fav: "Eternal Dream", probably?

Your fav scene: I really like the scene at the diner where Otabek agrees to be in a secret relationship with JJ in "Inconvenient Crush". I don't think I actually wrote it this year, but it was posted this year, so I'll count it.

A fic or scene that challenged you: I wouldn't really call it a "challenge", but I think "Inconvenient Crush" is the fic I've actually researched for the most, especially concerning this final arc, taking place on a camping trip at Elora Gorge in Canada. I'm sooooo not the camping type! I went a couple of times with my Girl Scout troop -- not unlike JJ's cousin, Camille -- but that was about thirty years ago, and the troop leaders took care of the tough stuff like building fires, so about all I really knew about camping beforehand was what I learned while watching Laid-Back Camp. *laughs* So, yeah, the camping scenes have been a struggle to write. (None have been posted yet, BTW, although the camping trip does start in the next chapter, which I plan to post on New Year's Day.)

A line of writing you’re proud of: Oh, man, I don't know. I guess I like the vows I wrote for "Eternal Dream"? Especially when they're exchanging rings: "This ring is a symbol of my eternal promise to you. Accept it, and know that I am yours and you are mine, forevermore." Again, I didn't write that this year, though. Hmm, I think I wrote this little exchange between Otabek and JJ from "Inconvenient Crush" this year that I find amusing? "Do you still consider yourself a virgin, since we apparently haven't 'gone all the way' yet?" "I…don't know? Kinda? Technically?" He arched an eyebrow. "You're 'kinda technically a virgin'?" "Well, it sounds kind of stupid when you say it like that," JJ muttered, stabbing at a piece of celery with his fork.

A comment that touched you: All of them! (Well, except the ones that were from obvious bots or scammers, of course. Also, I got into an argument with one commenter on an old Sailor Moon fic of mine who kept insisting that it was a terrible story because it mixed canons (it did not -- I do mix canons sometimes, but not in that fic) and that it was mostly an original anime-based story despite me (the author!) telling them several times that it was it was an entirely manga-based Alternate Reality fic, with the first scene pretty much being a novelization of a scene taken directly from the manga. That was annoying. (And I still don't know why they felt it was based on the original anime. They brought up another ficlet of mine that they claimed mixed canons, but that one actually was 100% based on the original anime, showing Hotaru's POV of a scene that didn't even happen in the manga, so they just seemed very confused about canons... I don't even know. Probably just should have ignored them, honestly.))

Something that inspired your writing: "Eternal Dream" was directly inspired by @floraone's Haruka/Michiru wedding fic, "I Pledge Myself To You". I just loved the idea of creating another culture's wedding traditions and had a lot of fun envisioning what an Elysian wedding ceremony might be like.

Your proudest accomplishment: Sailor Moon Rare Pair Week again, I guess?

Do you have any writing goals for next year?: Finish "Inconvenient Crush". That's pretty much it, along with writing a short one-shot for a project one of the Discord servers I'm in is planning. After that, I need a break. I won't say I'm going to retire from fic-writing, because there are a couple of unposted stories I would really like to finish, but I've been feeling burned out for a while now, so I think I'm just going to take at least a few months (maybe a year?) to just chill, read a lot of fanfics I've been meaning to read, and play a lot of Sims.

#meme #fanfiction #sailor moon fanfiction #yuri!!! on ice fanfiction #yuri!!! on ice #sailor moon

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rock-and-compass · 5 months ago

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Episode 5.7 – Lineage

Precursor - I wrote about the fifth season of Angel many years ago - probably around the time that the season 8 comics were first being published. I originally published these meta essays over on LiveJournal and I've decided to re-post them (as written), mostly for archival reasons. I love season 5 of Angel. It's such a shame it got axed before it could get the envisioned 6th and 7th series

Written by Drew Goddard

Lineage is a term that is used to describe the line of descent from which a person’s family comes; it is their heritage, their ancestry, their roots. It goes some way to explaining who that person is and why they are the way they are. Wesley’s lineage is explored in this episode via the arrival of his father, with whom a troubled relationship has often been implied and in turn the relationships between the Angel Investigations family also come into focus. But typically, the title ‘Lineage’ is also a double entendre. In its second, more important sense, the title ‘Lineage’ refers to the study of lines; the lines between friends and enemies, the lines that get blurred, the lines that get crossed.

“It comes down to trust. Ours is a dangerous business. Friends, enemies, these lines, they do not exist for men like us”

From the opening sentence, spoken in voice over, we are told that in this business of Good versus Evil the lines that divide the eternal adversaries do not exist. One must do what one must do in order to continue the fight, whatever that may be. Emil, an arms dealer, boasts of various methods of dealing with unhappy customers (killing, torture, beatings) while Wesley gets impatient. What is Wesley doing with a guy like this we wonder, but we trust him, we know he’s on the ‘good side’ but still . . . he seems to be organising the manufacture and delivery of powerful and dangerous weaponry to a very questionable client. Then Fred emerges. She explains the gun and all its wonderful Wolfram and Hart modifications. Wesley introduces her as his ‘muscle’, the skinny female scientist a complete contrast to Emil’s literal ‘muscle’ of Dante and Philip. Angel Investigation’s ‘muscle’ is brains and Wes and Fred have them in abundance and it reminds the audience to trust that they know what they are doing. Emil questions if Wesley’s boss approves of the transaction to which Wes replies, “As long as it doesn't show up in L.A. We choose our battles''. So Wesley is firmly in control. He’s got it under control. He has brains and self-determination, even if his pronouncement is a little concerning. Emil accepts the deal though not because of Wesley’s attributes but because of the Wolfram and Hart reputation for dealing with unsatisfied customers in much the same way as his own. Blurred lines indeed.

But the deal goes pear-shaped. A masked assailant arrives, killing Emil and one of his bodyguards. In the confusion, Wes takes care of the other while Fred hides in apparent safety. Angel arrives on the scene and is drawn into combat with the mysterious attacker and manages to break its neck. Electricity pulsates from the body causing Angel to pull off the mask to reveal a metal plate where the face should be. It is not a man but a robot. Belatedly, Wes remembers Fred and goes to find her unconscious and injured. Angel is not impressed and once back at the office Angel rakes Wesley over the coals for involving Fred in the plan:

Angel: She shouldn't have been there. It was a reckless decision. Wesley: Fred has more than proven herself in the field. There was no reason to think— Angel: We found her bleeding to death on the ground. From now on, you clear it with me before using any of my people. Wesley: Your people? Angel: Got it?

And so we get another line, this one is not blurred but very clearly drawn by Angel. It is the line between ‘his people’ and Wesley. It is a line of exclusion. Wesley and Angel may be friends and colleagues, but Wes stands on the other side of a line that designates Angel’s protectorates. Wes understands he’s excluded but has no idea why. Angel, of course, can't forget. He can’t forget that Wesley is ultimately responsible for the loss of Connor. That Wes, reading a prophecy that suggested that Angel would kill his son, stole Connor to keep him safe but only succeeded in letting the baby be taken into a hell dimension by Holtz, Angel’s personal nemesis, and then have Connor return, fully grown, somewhat deranged and seething with hatred for his biological father a few months later. If it wasn’t for Wesley, Connor would be a normal two-year-old boy and Angel an (almost) normal father. They would have been able to build a natural father and son relationship over time the way normal parents do. But instead, to give Connor that ‘normal life’ Angel gave him away, had memories wiped, altered the past and gave up being a father for his son’s own good. All because of Wesley. Only Eve understands the limitations of Angel’s trust:

Eve: You don't trust Wesley, do you? I mean, I can see that. He did turn Connor over to your sworn enemy. Angel: He didn't mean for that to happen. He thought he was doing the right thing. Eve: And I guess it all worked out. Connor's OK, you're happy... Maybe Wesley knew what he was doing after all, even if he doesn't remember any of it. Angel: That's got nothing to do with— I just want to be kept informed. That's all. Eve: Is it? Or are you worried about the next time Wesley betrays you trying to do "the right thing"?

Except that Angel’s not happy. And it turns out that wiping memories of those around you isn’t the neat, easy solution you’d hoped, and you have to live, daily, with the knowledge of what you’ve done and how you’ve robbed your friends of their chance to be ‘informed’ about their own lives.

Next, we get a glimpse of how influential Angel is in Wesley’s life. Wes took Fred to the arms deal because of her knowledge of the weaponry, her proven performance in the field and her professional trustworthiness; all good and valid reasons for taking a respected colleague on a dangerous mission. Yet after being castigated by Angel for endangering Fred he completely abandons his logical, equal-opportunity and equitable position regarding her involvement to parrot Angel’s paternalistic, sexist and patronising argument:

Wesley: I should've done a better job protecting you. Fred: What? Wesley: That didn't come out... Fred: Do you realize how patronising that sounds? Protecting me? Wesley: I just meant you shouldn't have been there in the first place. Fred: That's not for you to decide. Wesley: Yes, it is, actually. I made the call. I screwed up.

And this is made all the more understandable by the Arrival of Wesley’s father. For Wesley, Angel is very much an authority figure, one on whom he looks with admiration and awe. For the most part this paternal substitute gives in return. Angel respects and relies on Wesley’s professional knowledge and the two have developed a close relationship that has seemingly bridged past betrayals. Wesley also respects and admires his father yet receives nothing in return. He hungers for approval but is only given conditional acceptance, tepid praise and reminders of past failures for his efforts. After the disagreement with Angel over Fred, it becomes obvious to Wesley that his position in the group is in jeopardy, so he reacts by becoming submissive to Angel’s opinions just as he, presumably, has always done with his own father.

Wesley was first introduced into the Buffyverse in the season three Buffy episode Bad Girls as the new Watcher appointed to Slayers Buffy and Faith following the murder of Faith’s watcher and the dismissal of Giles as Buffy’s. When Wesley arrives, he is priggish, authoritarian and officious and only succeeds in alienating the two slayers. He is eventually fired from his position as Watcher when Buffy refuses to work with him and Faith has turned to the dark side. He does however stay in Sunnydale long enough to offer his support in the battle against the mayor’s ascension in Graduation Day (parts 1 and 2) but considering that, at this stage, he has no fighting skills whatsoever the gesture is more symbolic than actually helpful. He arrives in L.A. as a self-styled rogue demon hunter in season one’s ‘Parting Gifts’ just as Angel and Cordelia are dealing with the untimely death of their ally and friend Francis Doyle. Cordelia has just discovered that she is now the lucky bearer of the visions courtesy of the PTB and Wesley is able to provide knowledge of the demon world and mythology thus making them a formidable trio with strengths of Body (Angel), Mind (Wesley) and Spirit (Cordelia). With his adoption into the fledgling Angel Investigations team Wesley begins his journey that sees him develop from bumbling sidekick into the gun-toting badass he is today. From early in the piece Wesley’s troubled paternal relationship and the influence this has had on him has been alluded to. In I’ve Got you Under my Skin a demon possessed boy taunts:

Ryan: You couldn’t even ‘watch!’ Everyone knows you got fired because you couldn’t do anything right. Nothing's gonna make him proud of you….All those hours locked up under the stairs, and you still weren’t good enough. Not good enough for Daddy, not good enough for the Council.

This lets the audience know that the need for paternal approval is the driving force for Wesley yet it's never fully explained. The audience is left to make their own interpretations. As the series progresses Angel goes through a period of crisis in which he is estranged from the group. Leadership falls to Wesley and through separation from both paternal influences he is able to experience rapid personal growth although the need for approval still exists:

Wesley: Yes, mum. Yes, well, put him on. - Right. You too. - Hello Father. Happy Birthday - How are you? - Good. - No, it's going quite well actually. - Yes. I have news. - I've been put in charge of our group. - Yes, as their leader . . . No, it's a permanent position. Well as permanent as these things -- - No, I certainly won't be fired. - Uh, well, yes. I was that one time, yes. - Again. No, you're right. I see how you - Yes, I'd forgotten, thank you. - Yes. - Uh, just recently. Um, it's going quite well so far. - No, I think this time -- I hope it will be different. - No. No, you're right. I see how you -- I just thought you'd be -- I thought you'd want to know, that's all. - Right. Well -- again, happy birthday. - Okay.

This one-sided conversation takes place in season two’s Belonging and through it the audience is invited to fill the gaps and feel Wesley’s inability to ever live up to his father’s expectations no matter what he does or will ever do. Once Angel returns Wesley maintains a level of authority, but this is completely eroded with the false ‘father will kill the son’ prophecy. In Loyalty he wrestles with the knowledge of a prophecy he believes to be real and what to do about it. The one person who might advise him, Cordelia, is absent from the group so in Sleep Tight, Wes determines to take Connor to keep him safe from Angel without confiding in anyone. It goes horribly wrong, Connor is taken, Angel is vengeful, and Wesley is banished from the group. He is approached by Wolfram and Hart with an offer of employment which he rejects but it marks the beginning of his ‘association’ with Lilah, the determined, ruthless lawyer from Wolfram and Hart. During this period of estrangement Wes gets ‘hard’; he becomes callous and self-sufficient. Both fathers have been disappointed in Wesley, both have despised him, both have felt their superiority challenged by him, both have thought he was a failure, and his radical character growth is born out of his determined effort to show them that they’re both wrong about him. He has an unconventional sexual relationship with Lilah, he keeps Justine (a comrade of Holtz) prisoner in order to find the now-missing Angel to whom he is loyal despite the estrangement, again mirroring his paternal relationship (see Deep Down). The arrival of ‘the’ apocalypse forces Wes to choose sides and so he makes a permanent return to team Angel, masterminding the controlled return of Angelus, the freeing of Faith from prison, assisting in the demise of Jasmine and finally making the communal move to Wolfram and Hart. What a journey!

Wesley’s father appears in the office doorway and makes it obvious that he has heard Fred accusing him of sounding like a self-pitying child. Awkwardness ensues and Fred, perhaps knowing a little of his father-issues or perhaps being embarrassed by the subtle belittlement that Wyndam-Pryce senior engages in upon entry to the room, makes an effort to deflect the criticism by pretending to have been seeking Wesley’s advice on how to belittle a subordinate more effectively. It’s a sweet gesture and shows the viewer, who is privy to how Wes feels about Fred, that Fred also feels quite protective of Wesley.

Roger Wyndam-Pryce wants Wesley to come back and work for the Watcher’s Council which is apparently reforming with a few surviving members after its destruction at the hands of the First Evil. The reference to the Watcher’s Council and all its associations leaves the audience salivating with curiosity as to exactly what is happening with Buffy and crew post-Sunnydale, but no mention is made of how Giles, Buffy or the newly activated legions of slayers fit into this scenario. Wesley rejects the offer saying he’s happy where he is. His father is dismissive, Wolfram and Hart are a haven for evil, and how could Wesley let the opportunity to salvage the family name slip by with no thought of anyone but himself? The Wesley we see interact with his father is submissive and yielding and under this critical paternal eye we see bumbling and clumsy season-one-Wesley makes a reappearance. Wesley defends their work:

"We're working to change that. Under our control, this firm's becoming a powerful weapon, one that I think can make a difference. Believe me. We take our work here very seriously."

This earnest defense is made only to be undermined when they are met in the lobby by Lorne who embarrasses Wes by making inappropriate jokes and only succeeds in further alienating Roger, who is obviously an old school Watcher who firmly upholds the lines drawn between humans and demons. His reaction to meeting Angel confirms this as he stares at Angel's hand in disgust and asks, “Do you really expect me to shake that?”

Angel leaves the Wyndham-Prices and Fred examining the Cyborg corpse. Again, Fred talks Wesley up, praising his ability with languages and emphasising how indispensable he is to the team. She manages to elicit a compliment from Roger who agrees that they didn’t make him Head Boy of the Watcher’s Academy for nothing, but then he swiftly follows it up by a harsh caveat, that the pickings were slim that year. Wes tries to show that he’s got the stuff, proving Fred’s word with a practical demonstration but ends up inadvertently activating the self-destruct mechanism in the robot. Wesley quickly advises evacuation. His first priority is Fred’s safety, but he is willing to stay with the bomb in order to try and deactivate it. He is willing to die for the cause . . . But there is no need, his father deactivates the device with ease and points out that Wes was always doomed to failure as he was on the wrong track, language wise.

They go and report the situation to Angel:

Fred: Anyone could have made the mistake. Wesley was just trying to interpret some symbols for us. Wesley: Luckily, my father was there to correct my error. Just as Angel had been there to ‘correct’ his earlier error of taking Fred to that dangerous arms deal. But Angel is forgiving: Angel: Yeah, well, your father's visit just rattled you. Wesley: I find it hard to think straight when he's around. Angel: Fathers and sons. That can be torture sometimes.

And he should know, having had a torturous relationship with his own father that ended in murder, a torturous relationship with his miracle son that ended in separation and now, Spike, the closest thing he now has to a lineage, whose very presence is annoying and torturous to him.

But it turns out that these mysterious Cyborgs are working for the good guys. They’ve taken out some notorious demon cults and suddenly that line between good and evil is very blurred indeed - so blurred that they don’t realise that Angel and co are supposed to be on the same side, that they are attacking the wrong people. Meanwhile, Wesley asks his father to assist with the research and takes him to his office where Wyndam-Pryce senior is impressed by the Wolfram and Hart source book templates but is fearful of what would happen if they fell into the wrong hands. Wesley is incensed at his father’s lack of trust in his ability to keep them safe. They try to talk of personal things, Wesley’s feelings for Fred, the fact that he had to chop his last girlfriend into little pieces, but the distance is too great to breach. Wesley is accused of sarcasm and defensiveness while Roger is punished for a lifetime of little interest. What is interesting here is that Wes remembers a version of Lilah’s death:

…The last girl I was with I had to chop into little tiny pieces because a higher power saw fit to stab her in the neck.

The subtlety of the memory wipe is just a little clearer. The line between memories remembered and forgotten is fine, but it is there. They have been left with versions of events, altered accounts where only the names are changed to protect the innocent, or not so innocent. They remember things but never the full story….

Spike deliberately makes an appearance in the elevator in which Eve is riding, and the following conversation takes place:

Spike: Not to sound self-absorbed, but you can't seem to keep your eyes off me. Eve: Now, why would that make you sound self-absorbed? Spike: Don't think I haven't noticed. You've been very keen on what I've been doing lately. Eve: How's it going, by the way? You able to affect the world yet? Spike: Does that scare you? Are you worried that ol' Spike might be bustin' loose of your shackles? Eve: What are you talking about? Spike: Save the innocent act. Your "here to help" cheerleader routine may work on Angel, but I see right through it. There's more to you than you're letting on. Eve: Could say the same for you, unless you really are happy to haunt around here for eternity. Spike: Well, that's the problem, isn't it? Figure I'm trapped here for a reason... and you're part of that reason. That amulet that did this to me—Wolfram & Hart gave it to Angel. Gotta assume they meant to make him a ghost, not me. So, why am I here? Why don't they just let me go? Eve: Who said the amulet was meant for Angel?

Until this exchange Spike has had something of a cameo role in this episode, appearing as nothing but an annoying, smart-assed thorn in everyone’s side. He displays classic attention seeking behaviour; an irritating, show-off, look-at-me-look-at-me kind of conduct that only succeeds in raising quite contempt and disregard. Ironically, when someone does finally notice him, it's the wrong person and for entirely the wrong reason. Unfortunately, it is Roger Wyndam-Price who recalls a previous meeting that interrupted a slaughter in a Vienna orphanage. Spike’s claim to notoriety is still undeniably linked to his former, evil ways, despite his aspirations for hero-dom. So why does Spike choose to be annoying? What is it that he gains by it? By being bothersome Spike is able to remind everyone, particularly Angel, of his presence. It is his way of counteracting his powerlessness, his uselessness and his pointlessness. Being annoying is his stratagem of choice but is also a vicious cycle, it only succeeds in getting him rejected, again and again. By contrast, Wesley goes for subtle, submissive behaviours in order to win his father’s (and Angel’s) approval and really, gets no further than Spike. Being your own person is the only thing that wins even marginal respect from these tough, distant father figures. But back to the elevator, and again we get a glimpse of the real Spike, Buffy season seven Spike, as he confronts Eve about her interest in him. Spike, like everyone else assumes that the amulet was always intended for Angel, but Eve suggests that there are other possibilities worthy of consideration and that perhaps, the amulet found its intended bearer after all...

Outside the elevator, the Wolfram and Hart office is under attack. Cyborg Ninjas have infiltrated the building and are causing havoc. A Cyborg arrives at Wesley’s office and makes a beeline for the sourcebooks. Wesley is able to nullify the robot via a swift demonstration of his recently developed fighting prowess, but Roger insists that the books are too valuable and too dangerous to leave on the desk when they are plainly what the intruder was after. Wesley submits to his father’s superior judgement and opens the secret vault in order to store them in safety. Once inside, Roger double-crosses Wes, brutally pistol-whipping the back of his son’s head. In the vault Roger finds a particular artefact, a phallic-looking staff with obvious magical properties and makes a getaway leaving Wesley unconscious on the floor. Once he regains consciousness the ruthless, cold-blooded Wesley we know, and love makes his reappearance. He tortures the Cyborg, who can feel pain, into revealing all it knows. That line, that distinction between doing evil and beating evil get even more murkier, more blurred and Wes shows that he is willing to do what needs to be done in order to achieve his end, regardless.

Downstairs, Angel and Gunn have their hands full with Ninja Cyborgs. Spike is able to actually be useful as, by concentrating really hard he is able to punch the ninja that is throttling Charles and once again we are shown that Spike is incapable of accepting limitations. Want it? Want it badly enough? Then make it happen. Spike’s strength has always been his will, and by picking up coffee mugs and knocking beakers off shelves we are shown that his will is strong as ever despite his ghostly form. Wesley’s father arrives on the scene, saves Angel by hitting the attacking Cyborg with a chair and instantly offers his hand to help Angel stand. This is certainly suspicious behaviour from one who wouldn’t shake Angel’s hand in simple greeting earlier in the day. Roger and Angel go to the rooftop, supposedly to meet Wesley but once there the real intent of Roger’s visit is revealed. He uses the magical staff to draw out Angel’s essence and free will. Angel writhes in pain as Roger communicates with an unknown someone that they are ready for extraction. Wesley arrives, gun pointed at his father. Without explanation of the situation Roger tells Wesley to go away:

Roger: That creature is more dangerous to mankind than you realize. Wesley: You're wrong about him. He's not what you think. Roger: He's a puppet. He always has been. To the Powers That Be, to Wolfram & Hart. Now he's ours.

Angel’s servitude, his willingness to submit to the grand designs of others is legendary. Roger goes so far as to call him a ‘puppet’. In essence, his need for redemption has turned him into the servant of destiny, he’s the PTB’s bitch, but is he man enough to admit it? And what a contrast; Angel with all the power in the world at his disposal is actually under the control of others, while Spike, with no power whatsoever is actively willing himself back into existence.

Wesley takes possession of the staff. Roger threatens to kill him to get it back. Wesley is willing to die so that he doesn’t.

Roger: I will kill you for it. Please believe me. Wesley: Oh, I believe you. I was raised by you, after all. But I drop this, the crystal shatters, and Angel is restored. So I reckon whether I live or die, your plan has failed.

So, Roger grabs Fred and points the gun at her head to try and get what he wants. Without hesitation Wesley shoots his father. He shoots him nine times at close range until the old man is lifeless and no longer a threat. He is sickened by what he’s done but the line was drawn, and he had no indecision in crossing it; Die for Angel or kill for Fred and he made his choice. Shot his own father to save the woman he has loved for so long . . . Except that it wasn’t actually his father. The inert body of Roger Wyndam-Price flickers with blue electricity and the powerful glamour that cloaked its form dissolves to reveal yet another cyborg. It has all been an elaborate ruse by an unknown enemy to gain entrance to Wolfram and Hart and take control of Angel. Wesley was just the identified weak link that allowed it to happen.

Wesley and Angel realise that by taking over Wolfram and Hart it looks, to the outside world at least, like they’ve thrown their lot in with the forces of evil, they’ve crossed lines and made new enemies. Angel comes to a new appreciation of Wesley’s willingness to make the hard decisions regardless of personal cost and it goes some way to helping him understand why Wes made the choices he made regarding Connor. Perhaps it’s the Watcher in him, because like Giles’s killing of Ben in “The Gift”, time and time again Wesley, when called upon to do something morally repugnant, will act, not to win friends or please the majority, but for the common good regardless of personal sacrifice. But Wesley has also undertaken an extreme action to protect the one person he loves more than anything, just as Angel did when he took the deal with Wolfram and Hart. ‘Father’ and ‘son’ are more similar than even they realise.

And so now Wesley, like both Angel and Spike, has (kind of) killed a parent. Yet Wesley takes no comfort in the shared experience. For all three it is a defining moment. Angel is forever striving for approval he can never win from his long dead father. Spike sired his mother out of love and a desire to cure her from her illness only to have her turn on him in vampire form and necessitate staking, sending him on an unending lifetime of searching for love and acceptance. While for Wesley it means confronting his feelings for Fred but also recognition of the need to stand up and be seen for who he is by his father and perhaps, allow him to take a step across that thick, emotionally bound line that has been drawn between them in order to begin construction of a new kind of relationship.

Postscript (Spoilers for Season 8 comics):

This essay was originally written long before the publication of the season eight comics and I just have to say that I think it adds something to the Angel-as-Twilight development. It spells out for us that in Angel’s world, the heroic do what they must do in order to fight the good fight, even if that means doing bad things. It also makes that explicit Angel's need to hitch his wagon to a higher purpose. For me, it makes his willingness to slip on the old Twilight mask, if not forgivable then certainly understandable. It is a pretty fine counterargument for the "Angel is OOC" arguments. Don’t get me wrong, I hate, and let me reiterate, I absolutely HATE Angel's course of action in season eight – Completely wrong and the attempts to convince the reader that he is right are ham-fisted and weak. Angel is wrong to choose to become Twilight, but I can see it as something that he would do.

Next up - 5.8 Destiny

#Angel season 5 #Angel the series #Lineage #Rock and compass watches Angel season 5 #Spike #wesley wyndam pryce

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