#I didn't start hrt until I was 30!!

[gummywormsandkitkats]

tbh you're kinda transition goals to me. like, we look kinda similar so i can look at you and think "maybe i'll look that good when i'm on hrt!" and it's realyl encouraging <3

so, yeah.

PRETTY <333

This made me cry------- (╥﹏╥)

I'm really happy that you can find encouragement in my antics!! ( っ˶´ ˘ `)っ

ᴵ'ᵐ ʳᵃᵖᶦᵈˡʸ ᵃᵖᵖʳᵒᵃᶜʰᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ˡᵒᶜᵃᵗᶦᵒⁿ ᵗᵒ ᵍᶦᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃ ʰᵘᵍ⁻

(˶˘ ³˘(´͈ ᵕ `͈˶)

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hello Nicholas!

I hope this isn't a weird question, but I saw in one of your posts that you used to be in a huge amount of debt and now you're living more comfortably- how did you manage to get out of debt? I feel like every time I start even trying to figure out where to start, it's just all too big to ever get out from under. Do you have any advice for me?

Hope you have a great day!

Hey there! Yes, from about 2007-2010 (before I transitioned), I was making less than $10k/year. I defaulted on all my credit cards, exhausted my retirement, and nearly lost my house. It sucked, and in 2024, I'm finally start to feel somewhat secure. What I learned (assuming living in the US, I also did not have student loan debt):

I had to first figure out the sources of my debt. A big chunk of it was because of bad spending habits due to mental illness (hoarding + retail therapy when I was dysphoric/depressed). Another chunk was from being in an abusive friendship. Another, from being unemployed. And the last, was general capitalism (this was during the housing crisis.)

I started working on improving myself to curb behaviors that led to debt. I started working on my hoarding. I started transition to improve my mental health (had to sell some stuff to afford HRT). It took until 2015 to ditch my abuser, alas.

I started working on new job skills. I swallowed my pride and got an office job after a failed 3-year stint at freelancing. It was shitty, but enough to take care of my income emergencies -- keeping my house out of foreclosure. I got a better job 8 months later. It also sucked and I was in it for 7 years, but eventually changed industries and that's when my career took off. Because with each new job, I've gotten better and better pay.

I started using budgeting software. YNAB is my favorite. I try to account for every single dollar I have.

I started spending smarter. Food was the expense I had the most control over. I went to the salvage grocery store (you can find non-expired stuff if you hunt) and bought the "ugly" produce 1 day away from rotting from the local markets. I actually managed to eat well once I found these grocery stores, and my food bill became a fraction of what it'd been at typical grocery stores. I do wish that I had given food pantries a shot, but I was in denial about my poverty at the time.

I sold a ton of useless crap. I got rid of a good chunk of my nerd "collectibles". I only miss a few things over a decade later.

I negotiated with my debt collectors. I managed to set up payment plans with my credit card companies, condo association, and the IRS. I also did a debt consolidation loan once I qualified and was sure I could commit to the monthly payments. It forced me to be super strict about my budget and for about 5 years I didn't buy much for myself. It sucked, but I cleared a bunch of debt that way.

I got help from my family. I was embarrassed to tell my family about my predicament, but it became impossible to hide. I got help cleaning out my hoard and my mother has gracefully given me generous cash gifts every now and then. Never enough to be life-changing, but enough to give me a mental breather.

I played the credit score game. This one seems counter-intuitive, and requires some self-control about not abusing credit cards. Many people recommend the "snowball" method for paying off cards (pay off your lowest debt asap, then go to the next one), but I went with a "credit utilization" method (bring my highest used cards down to the next utilization level, then move to other cards) so I would see immediate changes in my credit score. What is credit card utilization? It's the percentage of how much of your credit card you're using. A card with a $1,000 limit and $100 on it = 10% utilization. Your credit score changes when you cross the following thresholds: 90%, 70%, 50%, 30%, 10%. Once my credit score started going up past 400 (especially as defaults started falling away), I applied for a secured card. As I started using that better, I applied for a few more cards, then for credit line increases every 6 months. My car insurance rates were tied to my credit score, so as soon as that improved, I switched companies and saved money there.

Mistakes I made:

Being in denial that I was poor. I didn't really look for resources on how to live while in poverty. This hurt me a lot because I ended up neglecting myself out of pride, which made my situation even worse.

Payday loans. I got stuck in the payday cycle for about 8 years. I wish I had sold more stuff or asked family for money to have never needed that initial loan. Once you are in the cycle, it becomes very difficult to get out.

Not going to a food bank.

Not asking for help sooner. And not just financial help.

Not getting out of abusive situations sooner. This is hard, and I sympathize with anyone in a similar position. But if you think it's time to move on, trust your gut - don't sacrifice yourself for people who don't care about you.

Ignoring debt collectors, because I was too afraid to negotiate for a plan. The IRS was so patient with me in the end, even after defaulting twice on plans.

Not considering getting a roommate to reduce costs, or not thinking of doing more things like shared meals with my fellow poor friends. Again, denial and pride. Humility is not a bad word and I wished I had learned it sooner.

Not changing jobs sooner. Curbing my hoarding and getting a better job are responsible for about 90% of me being where I am financially today.

Getting out of debt is a marathon. It took over a decade for me, and I am *still* feeling the sting of poverty. I wish you the best of luck. Folks are welcome to tack on specific tricks and strategies -- this is just a general outline of my particular journey.

[drdemonprince]

I didn't start HRT until I was 30 so it really, really fucking cheeses me off when I hear someone acting like that transitioning as an adult of any age makes a person grey bones in the grave who should have just given up. What in the fuck does "too old" mean. Too old for what? To be alive? To have preferences? There is no such thing as being "too old" for an experience because being old isn't a bad fucking thing. I love every year of wear and tear and wisdom that is on me. It's fucking crazy to think having more experience being a human being is somehow bad or unappealing. Nothing makes a younger person look more vapid or unattractive than thinking that 30 is old, or that to be old is bad. Jesus christ. 30?? you're gonna be over 30 for far longer than you were under 30 if you're fucking lucky! you better learn to make your peace with it! the more judgmental and dismissive you are towards older people and their bodies the more misery you are visiting upon the future you! what a needless misery to make for oneself. you could be getting plowed by hot grandpas who buy you dinner and are a veritable treasure trove of cultural knowledge and living history instead.

[catboybiologist]

Why don't you take Spiro anymore? (You mentioned this in a recent post)

My T is sufficiently suppressed without it. Estrogen and Testosterone inhibit each other through indirect pathways- both signal the hypothalamus and pituitary, which in turn signal the testes/ovaries to produce more or less of their hormone. Unfortunately, T is a more potent suppressor of E than vice versa, so a blocker is needed to drop T levels at first (usually), which then lets E get high. Once E is high enough, then it can suppress T production on its own. For me specifically, I've never had a problem suppressing T, especially later into HRT when my E was getting somewhat higher. Even after quitting spiro, my T has never gotten above 20 ng/dL, and is mostly around 15 ng/dL, which is on the low side of normal even for cis women. AA in general are theoretically unnecessary once E is high enough to suppress T on their own, but this varies strongly dependent on the individual hormone metabolism from person to person. Fun fact, this is also why masculinizing hormone therapy is way simpler than feminizing hormone therapy- T is potent enough to inhibit E right off the bat without extra help.

Personal consideration to add here: I'm quickly learning that I'm a rapid metabolizer, along with about 20-30% of the human population. Essentially this means that most medication has shorter effect periods on me, and I believe it also has had an effect on how effectively my T got suppressed. My T levels were low almost immediately when I started HRT, and I started with spiro. But, the price I had to pay is that its taken forever for my E to go up. With that in mind, I realized that for me specifically, I didn't have to worry about my T going back up if my E wasn't high enough yet.

The above are about why I felt spiro was unnecessary, but why not take it just in case? Simple- side effects. I was having very noticeable diuretic side effects to the point where it interfered with my usual routines, so I tried to quit as soon as I could. Once I quit, a brain fog that I didn't even notice was there, lifted. I was having a lot of issues that I now realize were due to low sodium- my energetics were fucked, my vision was getting hazy when I stood up, and my heart pounded in situations it didn't need to. When I quit spiro, these stopped almost immediately, and I realized that these were side effects that I hadn't even registered as side effects.

These were considerations I made based on my own personal situation, but hopefully it helps. I haven't been on an AA since February or so. I actually just got a levels test back (spreadsheet update pending) and it confirms that my T has been within cis female ranges since early October, and on the low side of cis female ranges since early November.

In my personal opinion, AAs should be used more conservatively than it currently is, but are still necessary for HRT. My ideal HRT based on papers I've seen, personal experience, and conversations with my provider is essentially: brief period of E monotherapy-> E+AA until T is suppressed and E levels are high -> E monotherapy -> additional considerations (like prog). This is not coming from a medical perspective, though, just an anecdotal one.

[impactrueno]

Didn't know you were trans! That's amazing!? How are you liking HRT? I'm in my 30s too, and have been debating getting HRT, as well, but hesitate because of my age

i started on june of last year and i'm gonna be honest...it was kind of hellish but it's paying off so i'm pretty happy about that :^)

i say hellish because during that time i had to deal with what was basically puberty and menopause at the same time. my period stopped (*stadium-level cheer*) but i had to deal with greasy hair, oily face, acne everywhere, hot flashes, horniness, irritability, mood swings, smelling different, sweating, etc. but fortunately, i'm past that stage now thank god. my body temperature is still a little too hot most of the time so i miss wearing hoodies lol. but the good changes are there too, and every day i feel a little better when looking in the mirror. all i need now is top surgery and i'm set (if i ever get enough money for it, that's a whole 'nother deal)

i wish i had started earlier though. i've been identifying as male since i was 19 or so, but could never start my transition due to irl complications. i held back on socializing until i could present the way i wanted to, but....that just ended up in me kinda becoming a hermit lol :( also living in venezuela has limited me for so many things (we're one of the handful of countries in the americas that still don't have lgbt laws so i can't even legally change my name yet :/ much less my gender on my ID) but hey, better late than never! i'm just glad i have access to it now despite still living here. i'll figure out the rest as i go.

as for your age, it shouldn't be an issue at all. health wise i mean (T made me start watching my cholesterol, i never had problems with that before.) what matters is if you're ready and comfortable with it. there's way older people than us that are starting their transition now. i get that it can be a difficult adjustment socially speaking; people might treat you differently, and you need to know how to deal with that. i wish i had more advice on that front but i think i got way lucky, because everyone in my life supports and respects my identity...with a few bumps along the road of course but even with that, i still feel insanely fortunate. i can only hope it will be the same for you and everyone wanting to transition.

[sonic-spirit]

Sonic HRT 2 - Pharmacy

First - Next

I couldn't let the chance pass to represent my first time filling my T prescription.

I was still living in the Chicago suburbs at the time, and went to the city for my healthcare since I could get treatment following the informed consent model--because like hell was I jumping through the kinds of hoops I'd seen others have to follow if I could help it. It wasn't without its issues, of course. The drive to the clinic was usually about 2-3 hours with traffic, about 1 without. Sucks, but do-able. I was still working for my parents then, and needed to hide my transition from them as much as I could.

So when my dad required me to do a thing, I did it.

Which is how I ended up scheduled to go to a basketball game the night I got my testosterone prescription. The prescription appointment itself was super easy. Get in, let them know what I wanted, let them know I knew what I was getting into, give some blood to use to keep track of my hormone levels an all, and head across the street to the pharmacy.

That was where things got...obnoxious. I got in line, got through line, gave my name, was asked to sit down, and wait. And wait. And wait.

After an hour, I went up to the counter, sure I must've missed them call my name. They didn't have record I'd checked in. I checked in again.

After about two hours, I needed to leave so I could meet with my dad to go to the game. And no excuse I could give would have been good enough to get out of it. I went up to the counter to check on progress. The pharmacy worker I talked to was stressed, and told me they'd call when my prescription was ready for pickup. And that, fortunately, they were a 24-hour pharmacy, so I could do pickup any time.

I left. And got the automated call my prescription was ready about 30 minutes later.

At that point, I started to get mad. Here I was, in an amazing situation, about to get a medicine that would do nothing but help me...and because of my fucking asshole conservative dad who wanted people like me to die, I was driving away from my meds, away from freedom, to go play happy family with someone who'd made it very, very clear he didn't want anything to do with the real me, and would physically enforce his preference if he felt slighted.

I went to the basketball game. But I don't think I hid how much I was seething the whole time. We passed the pharmacy my testosterone was waiting for me at on the way home.

When we parted ways, I got a call from a good friend over the phone to celebrate my prescription, and vented to him about the absurd situation. I was so, so damn excited, and so, so pissed that my so-called "family" were the entire block between me and treatment. That a night that should've been about celebrating was instead spent seething. I'd known for years how much I needed to get away from my shitty, abusive family, but this clarified the point. (Again, for the billionth time. Cuz though I worked at it like fire, I didn't escape until a few years later, and only with a looooooot of help).

My friend was so kind, he listened, and he helped. He was so happy for me, and so ready to listen to my anger. And he asked me a super reasonable question. I was planning on not going out to the pharmacy that night because it was nearly midnight, and I'd had work the next day. And he, very reasonably, asked me if I'd be able to sleep if I just went home. And I wouldn't. So I turned around, and headed back into the city, down the same roads even, for the third time that night!

So that's how I got on testosterone!

[olderthannetfic]

re people regretting transition or detransitioning.

My little cousin experimented with gender for a bit in her late teens before deciding that she was a cis girl after all. The experiment involved clothes shopping, a haircut, and asking her friends to call her by different pronouns, and lasted for maybe two months tops.

Some of my our family members are generally supportive of that, and view it quite reasonably as a young person exploring various options before finding herself. The dumber and meaner ones, on the other hand, say she detransitioned and is proof that trans people are just playing around and that anyone teen who transitions will come to regret it.

And then they turn around and say they're happy for me and proud of my transition. Because I didn't get anything figured out until I was well into my twenties, and I didn't get to start HRT until I was past 30. These family members are actually dumb enough to think it's an age thing, and that my having to suffer for decades was somehow a good thing.

If the "worst" that happens as a side effect of trans acceptance is a bunch of teenagers getting dumb haircuts and wasting a few hundred bucks on clothes they won't wear again, I don't see how that's a negative side effect at all. That's just what teenagers do.

--

Grrr. Fucking assholes.

A lot of the "Oh noes, what if you regret it?" stuff comes with a huge side of "What if your WOMB is no longer able to make BABIES after you POISON yourself?" nonsense too. I see plenty of transphobia of all sorts in all directions, but the specific fretting over transition is so, so, so often about how every uterus should be used as a baby factory. People say this shit with a straight face who would never support that idea if you forced them to face the subtext of what they're saying.

There are, genuinely, rare people who do regret it, but it's way more common that someone either experiments with entirely reversible things or takes hormones for a while and then decides to stop taking hormones without actually characterizing it as "regret" themselves.

It's usually other people imposing that narrative from the outside, aside from rare cases where there was some level of coercion to do medical procedures the person was never that into in the first place (e.g. transitioning in order to be legally allowed to change pronouns on ID or getting a boob job at a partner's behest—a thing that afflicts cis women too).

I remember a friend from school years ago going "What if I'm wrong?" and even at the time, I was like "But what if you're right and then spend 20 years waiting to be sure while being miserable?"

In this, as in most other big life decisions, I think you should take your best shot, not second guess yourself, and if you change your mind years later, you can deal with that then. But yes, so many people think there's some sort of virtue in decades of misery as you either can't figure out what's wrong or know what's wrong and are denied access to medical care.

I questioned my gender in my teens back in the 90s. I just didn't do anything that made other people particularly aware of it at the time and ended up deciding that gender is a big lie and who cares. This is probably more common than people think.

The main upshot was that I ended up reading an incredibly dense book of journal articles on third gender roles that was a bit of a headache for a 14-year-old.

[zerosuitsammi3]

Hey there! I don’t know how to even begin with this but I’ve known I’ve preferred to be a woman for as long as can remember. I never knew what to do with these feelings so I just went along as the guy I was supposed to be. That is until the pandemic. During that time I spent a lot more time alone to process things and explore a little. And I’m in a position where things aren’t the best for my situation in any way. I come from an immigrant family and they’re not the most tolerant people when it comes to lgbt issues. I’m unfortunate enough to have grown into a big burly man body. I just got laid off before the holidays. And I’m still in a relationship that probably wouldn’t survive me transitioning. I’m 30 so I’m not asking what to do but I am pretty scared. Terrified actually. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m tearing apart inside. What was your experience? I hope I’m not being too much, this is the first time I’ve said these words to anyone. I hope you’re having a lovely day.

First off *hug* I know you're going through a lot. Bottled up dysphoria can be one of the most torturous feelings. I'm sorry that your situation is so challenging as well. I wish there was more I could do to help you. But know that you aren't alone. And your experience is something others have been through as well. Many in the community have been right where you are and can empathize. As well since you asked I'll share my story, and I'll try to keep it somewhat brief.

I personally always knew I was a girl even from a young age and I never felt comfortable. But as a kid born in the 90's I didn't have vocabulary to describe my feelings and only had offensive stereotypical depictions of trans women to go off of. I remember being a kid and crying myself to sleep at night because I felt wrong and I was wishing I'd wake up and find out the life I'd been living as a boy was actually all just an intense nightmare. But since I had no access to real knowledge about trans things I just went on living as a depressed effeminate boy with zero self confidence. That is until I was about 16 and as a joke while hanging out with friends I put on my gal friends poms gear to be silly and funny. But being the short skinny effeminate emo "boy" with long hair that I was. Well. I just looked like a girl the moment I put on feminine clothing. This moment kinda changed everything. I had to stop myself from crying because of how much I loved seeing myself as a girl in the mirror. Because certainly my friends couldn't know how much I loved it. That always stayed in my mind. And around age 19 I learned about hrt. I learned real things about everything transgender without the harmful stereotypes. I began really experimenting with my gender from 19 to 23. I desperately wanted hrt, but didn't know how to get and was desperately afraid. I was constantly dressing feminine at home and masculine in public. I got so depressed not getting to be myself all the time that I attempted suicide around 21. Still have a scar from it. Thankfully I lived. After that I started to do certain things publicly presenting femme. But sadly at 24 I went deep back in the closet for professional reasons and that lead to another depression spiral from 24 to 26. Instead of attempting suicide this time I just lived an incredibly unhealthy life. Very self destructive habits. A lot of chain smoking, excessive drinking, over eating. I was killing myself in a different way. Finally at 26 I broke and said I can't live like this anymore I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. I couldn't let the fear hold me back anymore. I went to therapy. I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria immediately and referred to a local lgbtqia+ doctor's office and was prescribed hrt. After starting hrt everything in my life improved. I lost about 80 lbs of depression weight in a very short amount of time. My anxiety became manageable and in a lot of cases became non-existent. My depression went away. I became actually self confident. I was actually happy. And now I've been on hrt for almost five years. I needed this. I would've died young had I not transitioned. So I know exactly what you feel when you say "you feel like you're tearing apart inside" I don't want to tell you to just do it, just transition, given your situation and what you stand to lose. But you need to ask yourself: can you stand to live not being your authentic self? Is it worth a life of self misery to keep what you have? If it's not, then it's time to transition and be who you are.

[cringecatgirl]

10+ Year Transition Timeline

Posting the thing that cracked my egg for my 10 year tranniversary

5th Jan passed by about a month ago, but better late than never. This is a very long post, with 30+ photos over about 14 years

Pre-transition 2011-2014 The question of how I knew I was trans? I had The Feeling from about age 11 (2008), reading a gender-bender manwa called PhD: Phantasy Degree in the school library. Wherein the Protag, Lady Sang, has a ring that swaps her gender once removed. Childhood was a difficult time, and I often would go to bed dreaming of comforting scenarios where I would be able to use this kind of power on myself (yes i like forcefem, how could you tell?)

The biggest barrier for my transition for the next 6 years was simply that I wasnt aware that transitioning was a possibility, or more accurately, viable. As a kid, I was aware of The Transexuals that appeared as a butt of a joke on TV, but it felt like an impossibility if you weren't rich and had connections, requiring many surgeries and god knows what else; how they were also depicted as unattractive, undesireable and fetishistic.

2015 The first year In early January, I came across a trans timeline post on imgur.com by sheer luck. What really struck out to me is how happy, and how beautiful everyone seemed post-transition. I'll never forget the feeling of discovering that those funny little dreams I have might not be just me who does. I looked into the comments and discovered what transitioning meant, as well as that most of the people only used HRT, which was relatively inexpensive compared to what I had been expecting. The next day I awoke after having a dream wherein I was looking into a mirror atop a hill, and seeing a girl looking back. Once I awoke, I decided then to transition; simply based of the massive euphoric feeling of seeing myself as a woman.

Sadly however, I didn't really have a clue what I was doing, or what I wanted. I was terrible at asking for help or researching. I was pretty broke too, so experimenting was quite difficult. My sister moved to London and my city didnt really have a great LGBTQ scene (still doesnt 10 yrs later), so I was basically by myself. In these photos above, I think I started telling my close friends and family but I really struggled to make any meanful change to my appearance. My one goal was to start the NHS HRT track, which was supposed to be a 18 month wait list. Due to my inexperience (and being a bit socially inept) with navigating the NHS and my GP, I wouldnt start HRT until 2019, almost 4 years later. If theres one thing I could go back in time to change, it would be to DIY HRT.

2016-2018 I'd left college and begun work. I didn't feel like I passed at all, and absolutely hated voice training. I don't really remember much about this time of my life, it felt like waiting for HRT so I could start living. In hindsight, I was very depressed. I ghosted a lot of my IRL friends and working in fast food was sucking the life out me. I was very unhappy with how I looked, and didn't know how to fix it. My wardrobe consisted of pretty basic & safe outfits, like jeans & hoodies; I didn't have an experimental phase like so many other trans women did. I was decent at makeup but made so many mistakes that people often laughed at me for. I spent most of my time in this period escaping into MMO's with my discord friends and working ~50 hours a week. Sadly, I think I lost a significant amount of hair due to stress during this period of my life. Some has since grown back, but not all.

2019 (CW: SA) This is the only year I don't have any photos of, which is somewhat odd since I started HRT in May. But it was also one of my lowest points. I was at the breaking point with stress from work and didn't have many IRL friendships, in addition to working with my Dad to sell his house.

This was also the year when I was sexually assaulted on the way home from work. I would then repress this for over 5 years, as of writing, I have my first appointment in 6 days.

By the end of 2019, I had left my crappy fast food job and was living in a house share, unbeknownst that the world was about to drastically change. My mental health was starting to improve with starting HRT, I'd also learned that I had a natural testosterone defeciency, which explained why I had almost no body hair and little facial hair growth (though i still needed to epilate). However, the NHS used this to determine that I didn't require anti-androgens, and I deeply regret not challenging them on this, as I learned it was a huge mistake on their part.

2020-2022 Immediately you can tell how much HRT affected my face and body in just a year. I'd also put on a decent amount of weight as a result of a fast food addiciton. I'd begun to feel better in myself, but still didnt like my appearance. 2020 felt like a turning point in my mental health, I started a cross-Atlantic long distance relationship with another trans woman that lasted about 3.5 years. Though this gave me emotional fufillment, I craved physical affection and initmacy. During this period, it felt like something between coasting and stagnation. I wasn't satisfied with how my life was but didn't have the drive to change things. I thought I was less depressed here but I think just barely.

In late 2023, I entered the lowest part of my life. I was unhappy with the state of my living conditions, my relationship, my appearance, and so many other small things. I was working a 9-5 whilst trying to maintain a relationship where my girlfriend would get off work at 10pm. Sleeping after work was impossible whilst living at my Mothers, and moving wasn't an option due to noise complaints. I wanted to loose weight, start prog, change my wardrobe, start wearing makeup again, start voice training, dye my hair, and start taking care of myself. I was so tired of feeling like a genderless blob. And I hit my breaking point. I quit my quite-decent-paying-but-otherwise-insufferable call center job and went back into fast food, simply so I could be with girlfriend more often. I hit the gym, started prog and all the other small things. I attempted voice training again, but this time decided not to listen to my own voice. I would judge how good my voice was based on how people responded. I found they would small talk and be way more chatty to me than before, in addition to less misgendering even after 2 weeks of training.

2024 was one of the best years I've ever had. But it started with a breakup. I was distraught at the time, but in hindsight I truly think it was for the best. The first month was incredibly difficult, but I kept up my routines of self improvement. I lost about 8kg (starting from 98kg) and finally found the style I like, goth. But it still felt like something was missing Soon after the breakup, I lost my job, but this was a blessing in disguise. I got referred in to where my Mother works, and soon found this missing piece that I needed.

Holy shit does a hair cut make a difference I felt like a completely new person, and people treated me so so so much better. I'd get compliments almost every day. I actually loved my appearance, and taking photos. I reconnected with my school friends I'd alienated. I felt confident about dating. I hit my weight goal of 85kg, and starting taking prog the right way. My mental health had never been better. By the end of the year, I'd moved out of my Mother's house, who had been manipulative and abusive up until this point.

2025

So here I am, 10 years later. I've still got things to finish off, mainly fixing my testosterone levels. But it truly feels like the end of the road.

Don't ever give up, no matter how far in you are. Happiness will often not find you, you have to pry it from the Earth yourself.

[oysterstrudel]

I Saw The TV Glow is one of the only good movies I have ever seen in my life. Most films I see I am only ever thinking about the acting, or cinematography, or the political messaging, or some such thing. I have to activly fight to emotionaly engage with anything, to forget my physical body sitting there looking at the screen and the vast gap between the problems I face and the problems characters on screen tend to face. But this film reached right through me. Noticing myself didn't ruin the immersion because there was no difference between me and the screen, I was Owen as Owen was Isabel. I started crying 30 minutes in and didn't stop until 15 minutes after it ended.

My whole childhood I never really cried except when angry. My mother tells me I never cried as an infant/toddler at all. But lately something will set me off and I'll start crying and crying. I'm more mentally healthy that I used to be in many ways but I am more than aware that this is because I have given up on one of my deepest childhood desires.

When I was 12 I wanted to run away and transition when I turned 18. I didn't know you could transition as a minor, I didn't know that most 18 year olds are still financially reliant on their parents, I didn't know my parents would still see me as a child, and I didnt know that I wouldn't have overcome my shame by then.

When I was 15, I discovered the online trans community and began identifying as "transgender." I learned that people my age could medically transition. I thought that I would transition right then, before my sixteenth birthday, become a "youngshit", even get bone changes from her, go back to school after the pandemic as a new person. Once again, I greatly underestimated my shame, greatly overestimated my courage, and how much my parents respected my intelligence.

And I've come up with a myriad of other unhinged plans plans including literally stealing hrt from random trans people, befriendind trans people and having them sell it to me, befriending steroid using gym bros and somehow getting it through them.

And now I'm 19 going on 20 and I have no plans left. The "deadline" for the previous 2 plans has passed. I've never spoken to anyone about being trans. I have "gotten used" to my body much more then previously and I have stopped myself from thinking about this topic. But every once in a while something reminds me of it and I just start crying.

Anyways, I have no idea what to do. No idea what to do that is easy and not terrifying that is.

And you may be thinking "19, that's not that old", but I KNOW time passes quickly and I KNOW nobody is coming to force me to do the things I want to do and I KNOW that easily, easily I could get to the point where "ohh I'll never pass I'm too old" stops being an ironic hyperboly and starts being a real factor in this decision, like the point where I will genuinely never pass to cis people after transitioning and will not get the same changes to my face, and I will have people in my life who know me as one gender who might abandon me, and will have buried the real me too far down to get it out, and I would rather not do that, I would rather transition while I'm still a friendless 19-year-old thank you very much. Anyways I know this was mostly about me and not about the contence of the movie, maby I will post about that later bc I am becoming less eloquent and forgeting how words are spelt the more I write.

[sissycensorslut]

C.w beating, choking, talk of near death stuff. A little more extreme this time but nothing out of the ordinary for me >~<

Sorry been gone a while, me and mommy have been having a lot of fun but I didn't really have much to post about until the other day. So have a Christmas post! Or slightly later than Christmas post hehe. I might make another one later today who knows

Anyway a few days ago mommy decided to try a fun game, she had me locked up for 4 months and I haven't touched my clit a single time, mommy only touches it to wash me and then she locks me back up. So she decided to unlock me and keep watch on me for 24 hours, if I was ever hard she said she would beat me and if I didn't get soft again the punishments would get worse and worse.

So I take hrt and I've been locked so it's a little tough for me to get hard anyway so I thought it would be easy... The second she unlocked me she pulled down her shirt and showed me her bra and I got hard instantly. She slammed her fist into my balls while pulling her shirt up, which only made me harder. Then she gut punched me and slammed my balls again at the same time until I got soft,it was tough but I got soft again eventually.

I had to walk around with crotchless panties only all day so mommy could see my clit, one time she blew a kiss at me while I was serving her tea and I quickly got a hard kick in the balls for disobeying. This happened 3 or 4 more time until she decided that there would be one more challenge for today.

She decided that shed pump my cock for 30 minutes and anytime she felt an edge she would: choke me for an extra minute, give my balls 50 slaps, and extend the time by a minute. It didn't end well for me...

At first it took a while... At least by my standards, it was about 30 seconds until my first edge. She wrapped her arm around my throat and would pump with her thumb and index finger while slapping with the other 3.

Edge, edge, edge. All within like 40 seconds, so a minute and a half more choking 3 more minutes on the timer and 150 slaps not even 1 minute 10 seconds into my now 33 minute torture session. Then it was 35, then it was 40, then it was over an hour in under 10 minutes. And mommy wasn't letting my neck go either, she'd readjust her grip and I'd be able to get one quick breath, which she would reward by punching my balls.

I was in heaven, so much pain, my lungs burning, so close to cumming but not being able to. I passed out, or at least I thought I did, a few times(lost count) before the thirty minute mark, drooling all over mommy's arm with a dumb face. She must have felt like I couldn't take much more so she gave me a choice, die or experience all that built ul torture in the next 10 minutes and only maybe die. I couldn't resist even harsher pain so I wanted the speed round.

First she wrapped her arm even tighter, I couldn't breath at all, not even a little! Then she started pumping and slapping, slapping so hard and leaving me just on the edge. For 10 minutes I could hardly breath and my whole lower body was in agony but I couldn't help but want to continue. It felt so good. Right on the 10 minute mark she brought me as close as I've been to an orgasm in months then stopped, punched my stomach hard, forced my neck around so much it hurt then spat on my face. She locked me up, asked if I was okay and when I said yeah she threw me off the bed and told me to get up and go to my cage. So I was choked half to death, my lower body felt like I'd been punched by a pro boxer and I didn't even get to cum... What a wonderful night!

[cocklessboy]

There's a lot of joy in being trans, especially in being on HRT and having my body change into what I always wished it was. Even if I didn't start until my late 30s, it's never too late, and it's so wonderful to feel this relief at last.

But there are also so many frustrations. I'm going through puberty as I approach 40 years old. I realized too late that all my cis male friends are pretty toxic, and I don't even have any IRL trans friends. Lately I've been having the sorts of issues I expect a lot of teen boys have, and I expect a lot of them talk to their friends, or their dads, or some other male role models about it.

Who do I talk to? My "friends" think feelings are for wimps and brag about how many years it's been since they last cried. My family doesn't speak to me. Online friends are nice but they're not here. We can't hang out over a beer and chat awkwardly about shit like, I'm so horny all the time I literally can't think about anything else.

My sex drive is out of control lately. I have no dating prospects. I've tried tinder and grindr and every other dating app available in this country but I'm a chubby, hairy, disabled, autistic trans man with chronic pain and a chest that needs plastic surgery to fix the mess the first surgeon left, and there's a language barrier on top of that. I've made my profiles and sent my messages and received literally no responses. Loads of views on my profile, no messages, no likes, no matches. No one is interested.

I started chatting with random strangers on horny parts of the internet. I started sending some photos (with all personally identifying information carefully removed) and getting some in return. Is this a good thing to do? Is it a good solution? Will I regret it? Does this happen to other guys? Is it normal? I don't know what else to do and I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Don't get it twisted: I wouldn't go back to my old life for anything. Every struggle I face now is a blessing compared to living a lie and wallowing in dysphoric misery. But there's still something missing here.

We live in a world where everyone is connected by the internet, yet I've never felt less connected to other human beings.

[ceasarslegion]

So ive been playing skyrim since it came out all the way back in 2011

Obviously, i was a bit younger 13 years ago. And a lot more naive. Didn't know a ton about how the world worked. I didn't even know that I wanted to go into federal work and I barely paid attention in social studies.

Since Skyrim's release day, I moved to 4 different places, most of those cities I also moved to different homes within. I graduated high school, took a few years to gain work and life experience, performed in multiple professional musicals, moved out on my own on the other side of the atlantic where I was the only one I knew on that entire coast, went to uni, started HRT, got involved in street-level activism, graduated uni with a double degree in political science and cinema (and a minor in history!), dealt with my childhood dog dying, nearly died myself of covid, moved again, got a shitty door to door salesman job, quit, got a shitty retail job, quit, got a job in federal security until I can climb the ladder higher, worked a provincial election for the NDP, and met my boyfriend. This is by no means an exhaustive list.

To say that a lot happens in 13 years is a bit of an understatement.

The first time I ever played Skyrim, I joined the stormcloaks. I was a naive kid who didn't know much about politics or the world. I didn't really know much about how all that jargon worked and only saw them as a rebellion against some kind of tyrant. Worked for me.

My recent run I picked up after all these years because I remembered how many hours and years I spent in elder scrolls games. It seemed that no matter how far away I moved or how different everything seemed, I always had either Oblivion or Skyrim to pick up and escape into. I feel a little lost and disoriented in my life now, and needed something familiar and comforting, so I booted it up again.

I got to the quest where you negotiate a ceasefire between the imperials and stormcloaks until the dragons return is dealt with. "Lets make sure we actually have a skyrim left to fight over, yeah?"

The first time I played, I gave the stormcloaks everything. Why wouldnt I? I joined them, after all.

This time was a little... different. I joined the Imperials, and was willing to seceed more territory to the side I wasn't on. Now I have a formal education in politics, and direct experience within it.

If you want Markarth, we need Riften. Winterhold's strategic position isn't a fair enough trade for Markarth's size and direct access to Skyrim's silver mines. No, we aren't sending the Thalmor ambassador away.

The White-Gold Concordant is too fragile and the Dominion's armies too strong to risk alienating them any further and playing with fire for another Great War. I don't like the Thalmor either, but we need to keep them docile enough to build the Empire's armies again to kick them back out, and for that we need time, so she stays.

You ask why the dragonborn has imperial sympathies? It's not sympathy for an imperialist power, it's recongition that this is the only legitimate possibility for a chance at peace again after all tge secessions and the incident at the Imperial City 30 years ago.

Sometimes you just gotta do dirty work to keep the wheels greased and the cart moving. I understand where you're coming from with a lot of things, Ulfric, but your blind fanaticism has both served the Thalmor's interests by diverting the precious resources of the army that can stand up to them fighting your stupid proxy war, and you have turned into a bigot chasing this traditionalist nord supremacy. You are part of the world, you're going to have to play ball with it. You can't have your secret third option and expect to have a Skyrim to come back to in 10 years.

"Even the dragonborn betrays Skyrim." Yeah, that's how a politician throws a tantrum when they don't get their way. But I won't speak up about the hypocrisy of implying that Skyrim's prophecized jesus-figure hero is somehow a traitor to it just because I didn't hand the victory to you on a silver platter. We got a ceasefire and didn't alienate the Thalmor while we need to buy time to regroup. That's the important part.

I don't know, man. When I was a kid I didn't think any of that through. And this time it came so naturally that it was like breathing for me.

It's a bit of a silly thing to draw comparisons through but I think it says something

[sendhelpmydudes]

FUCK HYPER FIXATION LEAVE ME ALONE

anyways headcanon that jimbo and ned are in a transmasculine T4T relationship 🤯

jimbo is pre-op and has been on testosterone since his mid 30s. he generally has a fear of surgery and is fine wearing a binder his whole life since his breasts aren't a large part of his gender dysphoria. Jimbo came out when he was 15-16 and his parents were extremely unsupportive. He was placed in conversion therapies, wilderness therapies, and was eventually cut off by his parents as soon as he was drafted into the military.

ned on the other hand had top surgery when he was 24 and was on testosterone since he was 14. he got his testosterone without a prescription from a shady guy that went to his high school. he tried to inject it into himself and ended up in the ER. after that he paid people to inject it into him until he was old enough to get his own prescription from a doctor. Ned's parents didn't really care about his identity but still called him by his deadname and used the wrong pronouns. His use with drugs such as crack and weed was the thing that got him kicked out and cut off by his parents. Ned had to stop testosterone a few months after he got kicked out due to money but was eventually able to get his life back together and start again. Ned is currently seeking a phalloplasty (bottom surgery) and is saving up money by working more hours and selling some of his guns.

extra stuff:

Jimbo and Ned accidently came out as trans at the same exact time in vietnam. that same night was the night they had sex for the first time.

Ned helped Jimbo pick out his doctor for his HRT and taught him how to bind safely.

god I love them so much wtf

[tousey-mousey]

Queer Healthcare As We Age

If you are a cis lesbian, please continue to get your STI checks if you're having unprotected hookups or are having sex with non-monogamous/fidelious partners. Cis lesbians can transmit STIs to each other and one of the most frustrating myths I run into in queer circles is that lesbians are "cleaner". Sadly, this is also used as a means to bully bisexual women by biphobic lesbians, which is both ethically horrific and ALSO factually complete horseshit.

If you are transmasculine and have been on testosterone therapy for more than a year, it is highly likely that you have started to develop prostatic tissue within your vaginal canal (click for source). This is a phenomenon we're only just beginning to understand, but it will have health implications for transgender people for many, many decades to come. In the future, it may become necessary for us to recommend that all AFAB recipients of gender-affirming testosterone therapy (as it involves much higher levels of T than non-GAHRT) receive semi-regular checkups of their vaginal canal if they have not had complete resection of the vagina (i.e. "total bottom surgery") to check for possible prostate cancer. Until then, please just remember that, as you age, it may become advisable to lower your levels of T to match those of a same-age cis man, or stop taking T if you feel comfortable doing so, as this massively reduces the risk of prostate cancer.

If you are transfeminine and have a prostate then, while oestrogen and anti-androgen HRTs do lower the rate of prostate cancer, they ABSOLUTELY DO NOT make prostate cancer impossible. There have been several cases of advanced prostate cancer identified in trans women who had spent years on HRT and, as noted by this paper (click through), there were SUBSTANTIAL alterations to the cellular structure of the prostate as a result of HRT that could potentially cause a pathologist looking at a cancerous biopsy specimen to NOT RECOGNISE IT AS CANCER. If you are transfeminine and have been on HRT for a long time, then please make sure you're familiar with the signs and symptoms of prostate disease and that you tell your doctor about them. If your doctor says they aren't sure it's a concern for you due to being on HRT, please insist that they test you anyway. As a medical student who is CURRENTLY learning this shit, I have NOT BEEN TAUGHT that trans women can get prostate cancer and I needed to research it separately to discover that they could. Older doctors have a very, very, very high chance of simply not being aware that this is even a concern.

If you're a person whose partner is currently pregnant and you want to be able to help in breastfeeding your child, please be aware that it's actually possible to induce lactation! You may need to seek out a specialist midwife or other medical professional for advice and support in how to initiate lactation, but it IS possible for you to co-nurse your baby together. This process DOES NOT have to involve domperidone and, as someone who is trained in using and does know how to use herbal medicines, I would strongly advise not using herbal supplements unless you are specifically given permission to do so by your doctor.

Hepatitis B is sexually transmissible and is more easily transmitted via penetrative anal sex. Please get vaccinated against hep B. This isn't a long one, just get vaccinated. In Australia, a full course of hepatitis B vaccines will currently set you back $90 (not including the doctor's administration if you didn't see a bulk billing doctor), which you will pay in three instalments of $30 each. You will get your first injection immediately, then another 4 weeks after the initial dose, then a third and final vaccination between 4 and 6 months after the initial dose. The vaccine is very well-tolerated and extremely widely available in all developed nations.

PLEASE ADD TO THIS POST!

[quiet-in-the-wild]

I know I've already remembered/talked about these things, I've made an entire blog, 30 page google doc listing them all

but every once and while I just remember things from my past that are sooo trans - like my little self had no real concept that I was trans but I was clinging to anything I could find.

currently thinking about how I kept re-reading Tipping the Velvet. I've probably read it 20 times. Sometimes I would finish it - watch the movie & then read it again. & I didn't really even like some major plot points in the story. But I was just drawn to it over and over. (And I was really private & protective about it- I remember I told my wife she wouldn’t like it so she wouldn’t want to read it- to be fair she wouldn’t have liked it) but I was especially drawn to the part when Nancy figures out she could dress & pass as a boy. & at the end when she finds a home/found family & is allowed to just be herself.

Also- I just remembered the other day how I would listen to if I was a boy on repeat. really just like laying there imagining what it would be like if i was a boy. not at all what the song is about- but I definitely took it literally.

omg Rent!!- I was obsessed with Rent. I remembered I liked it- but until this moment I forgot just how much. - omg I just remembered when I was senior in high school- I convinced all the theater kids to perform a song from rent in with me the school talent show. & then I had us perform it at my graduation party.- completely forgot about that. I have no idea who introduced me to rent- but it was the most queer thing I had ever seen & I could't stop thinking about it.

Also recently thinking about having a friend call me Steve as a joke & me liking it. and then having that be my nickname all the time when I talked with her - the full name was Steve Tommichaelson. So like 3 very typical boys names. She wasn’t a good friend & I think was making fun of me to begin with but I didn’t notice.

I just want to gently shake little me for being so obviously trans yet so oblivious.

And also I want to remind the part of myself who is still a little nervous to commit to medically transitioning & starting HRT soon that this has always been there.