#I didn't realize how bad my mental health was until I finished and now all I wanna do is girl rot

[kawaiisimp]

I just finished what's available of the storyline for tokyo debunker. I have to wait a month for the next part to come out. Ig I'll just focus on leveling up my guys, doing battles, and stacking diamonds. 🫠

[usagikookiejams]

AFTERMATH OF THE BREAKUP

Haitani Ran, Ryuguji Ken (Draken), Hanemiya Kazutora, Haruchiyo Sanzu

Warning: angst no comfort, cheating, NOT PROOFREAD, cursing, mentioned about abusive relationship, drug usage, harsh words

Haitani Ran

It has been 3 months since your relationship with Ran ended in a bad term. Deciding to move from Roppongi to Okinawa to avoid meeting up with him again.

Unbeknownst to you, a guy was following behind while you're doing grocery shopping. After failed attempts to reach the product in the higher rack, suddenly a guy was helping you out.

"Thank you so much-," you were left silent after seeing that the guy was actually your ex; Ran. He looks handsome as always. But, you could see the obvious eyebag.

"How you doing?," he smiled, trying to start a conversation with you but, you just ignored him and pushed your cart forward.

He didn't stop pestering you, until you has had enough and slapped his face. "Don't you feel ashamed? Showing your face after you cheated on me with that 'work-wife' of yours?!," you glared at him.

He explained that he was drunk at that time. However, he paused his words after seeing the disgusted look in your face.

"I couldn't bear looking at you. It reminds me how stupid I am to trust you. Hah, my friends were right about you; you indeed couldn't keep your dick in your pants," you smirked and walked away.

Ran felt like his world started to collapse. Witnessing your hostile behaviour towards him has proven how you don't wanna get back with him no matter what.

Ryuguji Ken (Draken)

You and Draken started dating after 3 years of Emma's death. Motivating him daily has led to him starting to open his heart to you.

But things weren't always nice and easy. It indeed was very hard for someone to move on from his past lover.

That's why, after only about 2 years of dating, you decided to broke things off with Draken after you has had enough of him comparing you with Emma.

Emma this, Emma that; you were tired of hearing his complaints.

Though he looked like he didn't care back then, but why is he always reaching out to you now?

He looks so desperate trying to win you back. Showing his effort by buying you flowers every week, which ended up disposed in the dustbin at your office.

Today remains the same routine of his. But you decided to give him your piece of mind once you saw him walking towards the receptionist counter.

You dragged him outside the building where your co-workers couldn't see you. "Can you stop all this nonsense?," you sighed.

"But baby-," he couldn't finish his words when you suddenly took the flowers and placed it on his motorbike.

"I am not your baby, and I don't need your flowers. Why not giving them to Emma, considering she may need them more to decorate her grave?," you couldn't help but saying deep and harsh words.

There, Draken was left heartbroken. He realized how all of his action of comparing you and Emma has led to you hating both of them.

Oh lord, how he wish you would care for him one more time.

Hanemiya Kazutora

Being in a relationship with Kazutora was challenging, he always scold you for things that are even miniscule; blaming you for it. Thus, you decided it was best to separate with him, as he tend to get physical with you.

Visiting the hospital for how many times now, that you don't even remember; getting psychology treatment to treat your mental health from past abusive relationship.

You were busy listening to music that you didn't notice that you has bumped into someone. The person sighed in annoyance, that is, when you heard your name being called in shocked tone, "Y/N?."

You frozed in place, looking up at the person. Oh, it's Kazutora. You got up and said sorry as quickly as possible before getting away.

You felt your hand being pulled, and you couldn't help but flinch. "Hey, hey sweetheart, it's okay. I won't hurt you." You still your position, didn't dare to look at the man who had inflicted pain upon you before.

Kazutora felt a pang of hurt in his heart, looking at how you're terrified of him. He felt tears running down his cheeks, profusely saying sorry while saying he missed you so much and how his mental health is declining.

You looked at him dead in the eyes. Though feeling scared but you tried to stood your ground. "Yeah? And what about me? What about all the things that you said, and pain that you inflicted on me before huh? Answer me Hanemiya," you said in heavy tone.

Kazutora didn't like how you're saying his first name. It was always Kazu or baby; anything but Hanemiya. Nevertheless, he tried to reason with you how he never intended to do those things, saying that he wasn't in the right state of mind.

You scoffed and warned him how if he still loves you, he should just leave you alone. Kazutora was about to say something but you dismissed him, and just walk forward leaving your past behind.

After that encounter, Kazutora still trying to reach out to you by visiting you at home or workplace. That is until one day, he was forced to stop his action once knowing that you has moved to another country with no one knowing your whereabouts.

Haruchiyo Sanzu

Dating Sanzu was never a boring experience. He's wild and loves to party, which at last causing you to not being able to keep up with his behavior.

Lucky for you, the break up was easy as Sanzu too thinks that you're too boring, and always acting like a 'nagging bitch'. Thus, deciding to also let you go.

Despite the break up only took place less than a month ago, you're suprisingly doing great as you are now start to prioritize yourself. Spending time to learn new hobby; that is photography.

Currently you're in the park, capturing panoramas and birds that flew over the horizon. Click! You went to check the picture but noticed a familiar pink hair in the photo.

The pink-haired-person looked over his shoulder as he heard the clicking sound. He couldn't believe his eyes when seeing you, thus started to run towards you, "Y/N!."

"Oh shoot..," you whispered to yourself and started walking faster. Albeit he was fast enough to grab your shoulder. "Baby, how you been? I wasn't able to contact you for a month. Did you change your contact number?," the person said.

"So what if I did, Sanzu?," you put on confident look. "It's not like we're going to contact each other anymore, is it?," you continued.

"But-," Sanzu was about to speak but you just shook your head. "I wish to never meet you again. Now that I look back, I realized how dumb I am to love some maniac like you. You didn't even consider my feelings, always gaslighting me and even calling me names. So don't be suprised when I decided to move on from you," you scoffed and walked away without looking back.

At that moment, Sanzu knew he fucked up real bad by messing up the relationship you guys had before.

Later on, he started to indulge himself in more drugs, as it's the only way he could be free from the hurting feelings.

[posttexasstressdisorder]

Where we go from here...

It took me awhile last evening to get my mind in the right place to do the baking I had to do. I thought I would put on some music on my little radio station to kick my head into work mode. Tried some Glenn Gould playing Bach (always a go-to for morning coffee music), and it didn't hit right.

So I dialed up the huge mix I have titled "1969-72" and almost immediately started the long road back to feeling like myself. After about a half-hour, I was in the groove. Listened to the mix far into the night, after I'd finished working.

I managed to keep my focus and got the cookies all baked, and kiddo's mom happily packed them up and just left for her party, and I'm over here for the next couple of nights, sadly for my back. Two nights of "No Mattress For Old Men" and I'll need a week to recover, but hey...

Wanna thank all y'all for your comments and messages when I posted that I was prolly just gonna go black. Y'all loved me back off the ledge. Posted in a moment of true despair...something I haven't felt in awhile. I am hurting for all of us...and all of you. I have never in my long life been scared for the nation until now. Or at least that's what I thought. This feeling of complete despair, the emotional pain of millions of people, the hopelessness, the fear for the future...after I sat with it awhile I realized yes, that I have felt this same combination of toxic shit before.

In the 65 years I've been on this stinkin' rock, I've been through a number of particularly devastating previous elections, most notably the two Bush2(Dumbya) regimes. I remember the night of the 2004 election...Americans were posting tearful photos taken by their webcams, with them holding up signs saying "We're sorry."

I saw first-hand all the fights for rights that we have gained from the early '60s onward. To find ourselves set back to square one, 50-60 years later, when we had finally gained some footing toward fairness, is cruel. And cruelty is what they will wield as their main weapons in the coming days, as we suddenly find ourselves in the same predicament as 1963-65 when a virginal Joan Baez and little Bobby Dylan changed protest music forever.

So yes, I have felt this same way, and no, the nation didn't die or descend into complete chaos. Our lives went on, essentially as they had, with a growing pile of "things we can't do anymore" heaped atop via the collective wounding of 9/11.

This is another collective wounding--an intentional collective wounding. The next few months are going to be chaotic, they will try to push through their agenda as quickly as possible come january.

I may not post much overtly political stuff from this point on, but if I do it will be refocused on positive news. I don't know for certain how long that might last, but I can't take a 24/7 barrage of bad news and outrage bait. I'm probably gonna unfollow a few blogs, but don't think it's personal...it is Mental/Emotional Health Care.

And yes, I've been in the trenches with y'all a long time...we are all Family at this point...Brothers and Sisters in arms. I'm not leaving, but my presence/role will be different, out of the renewed sense of self-preservation this has thrust me into.

I woke up disoriented, but quickly remembered I'd gotten what I needed to get done done, and had a slow re-entry, sipping my coffee for a couple hours. I kept remembering how well the music had helped me last night, and then the beginnings of what this might turn into began to coalesce. Concepts of a plan. lulz.

As the day went on, I've been on a roller-coaster, emotionally, with seemingly hopeful leads on a roommate not materializing, on top of my craigslist ad for a roomie getting flagged and deleted. Pretty goddamn hopeless as far as this situation is going.

Looked at the huge box of cookies I'd managed to bake last night and it hit me. I've been reblogging the "Gooood Morning, TUMBLR!" graphics every morning up until the election. The image of Robin Williams being in character calling up the role of the military DJ.

Back when I did my cafe in the mountains of NM, a friend lent me a book called "Radio Venceramos", about South American rebels who had a radio transmitter and clamped the leads to the barbed-wire fences to broadcast their signal/programming to their fellow rebels.

Still not sure how the format will work out, but I've decided: my new role is going to primarily be the voice of inspiration over the air-waves to my fellow rebels. Not sure if it will be a second blog or if it will be a continuation of PTSD, but with no further ado, I will become the Voice of my fellow rebels with:

I may make a second blog out of it, but until then I guess I'll make it a series of posts. Tumblr will let you blog up to ten videos/post, and that may be how I start things out. Consider them like stacks of 45s and LP tracks from my paul-shaffer-brain...meant to help keep spirits up and keep the focus.

Made a couple of graphics, will probably try others in the course of it.

So the message today was "You did what you had to do. Heal up for what's ahead."

I will probably start this new focus in the morning...I'm still chewin'.

[dyemelikeasunset]

(jfc 3K word count blurb about my babygirls I GUESS. This takes place between the end of you&i and t he beginning of dom&mor)

---

After all of that was taken care of, but before they moved in together, Morgan and Dom spent several months working on themselves.

Mor was doing her best not to UHaul like she did with her past relationships. Part of her was hoping Dominique didn't even know what it meant, part of her also hoped Dom would ask first. But she was patient, she had to be patient. Domi was doing physical therapy and getting back in touch with her agency, getting her life back together.

Morgan was too-- she was still juggling her mental health and work, and she knew they both had to take it slow-- but the nights alone were getting harder and harder. On the best nights, Mor would get restless and not be able to stop thinking about Domi, wondering how she was doing, if she was eating, if she was lonely, if she missed Mor the same way.

On the worst nights alone, she kept remembering everything that happened and still felt anxiety being in her apartment by herself. It was gone now-- that's what Domi told her every time she visited, and Whisper didn't hiss at the closet anymore-- but the bad memories always swirled together into an unease and emptiness that made the apartment linger with an aura.

But it was too soon to think about how they would progress their relationship. Too soon to start thinking about moving in. Truthfully, Mor didn't even know if Dom wanted to live together. She tried not to think about that possibility.

---

It took a full month after Domi's physical therapy ended before she invited Mor to come to her place. She promised she'd gotten more furniture. "There's, um, I have a couch now," Dom had told Morgan shyly on the phone. Mor couldn't help but laugh incredulously, but gently. She was proud of her and agreed to visit.

Mor hadn't been to Dom's apartment since everything had happened. It wasn't until she was pulling up to the highrise complex that she realized it was actually her first time driving there. She texted Dom if she could park in her designated parking spot. Dom texted back that she forgot she had one, and then, "Of course you can park there. You know I don't have a car, you can always park there from now on." Mor could practically hear that shy little smile in Dom's voice from her text. Before that moment, Morgan didn't know parking could feel romantic.

Domi had ordered in dinner and had it all set out on the table by the time Mor came through the door. The apartment was still abysmally empty, but there was a couch, as promised. Mor knew she was working on it, on having things to call her own, but kept trying to tell herself it was Dom's minimalist aesthetic to keep herself from worrying.

They ate, talked, updated each other on how life was going. Mor found herself rambling about her latest project while tangled up in Domi's long legs on the new couch. Dom was watching her with that fascinated and warm look in her eyes, that look that made Morgan feel incredibly shy and peter off. Dom asked her some questions to prompt her back into talking, but Mor was feeling so warm under her gaze that she couldn't find it in her anymore. She leaned in and kissed her instead, realizing she hadn't kissed Domi in months. Mor tried to pull back before she got too desperate, but Dom's eyes smiled at her in that lovedrunk way that Morgan couldn't look away from. She cupped Mor's face and lulled her into a second kiss, and a third, and the count melted together after that.

By the time they finished kissing, Mor was laying fully on top of her, face cradled in Dom's neck. Dom pet her hair gently, always careful to not tangle her fingers through it, holding her close, safely. Mor let the rise and fall of Dom's chest comfort her as she traced the scar on her neck.

Going home that night was one of the most painful things Morgan ever had to do.

---

The next time, Mor was the one who popped the question. During the last visit, she had seen how empty and weirdly clean Dom's refrigerator was while they tidied after dinner. Mor couldn't stop worrying so she texted Dom if she could come over to make her dinner. Domi was surprised but agreed enthusiastically. Morgan fed Whisper extra well that afternoon before driving over with her mountain of tupperware. She was determined to make enough to have leftovers to last Dom a week at the least.

Parking in Dom's spot again made her smile. "Mor, you're being an idiot," she hissed at herself before grabbing her bag and making her way inside.

When Dom answered the door, Mor could tell from the slightly damp hair that fell in her face that Domi had just finished getting ready. Morgan couldn't stop the huge smile that spread on her face. It was always so cute to see Dom get excited, and even though Mor tried and tried to convince herself she wasn't that special, even her bad self-esteem had to make concessions when Dom acted so obviously eager to see her. Maybe it was Dom's lack of dating experience-- lack of even understanding romantic feelings before now-- that made her so easy to read. Like she didn't even know hiding your feelings was part of the dating game. She was honest and innocent and it was somehow touching.

As Mor set up in the kitchen, Domi kept hovering, being accommodating and asking if she could help. Mor finally caved. It was hard to say no when Dom was being so sweet and fussy. Morgan found out that Domi is actually very good at cutting vegetables, but that she didn't know the difference between boiling and braising.

Mor did manage to make a pile of leftovers. As she was explaining how to best store and reheat them, she noticed Dom writing the instructions down diligently. She tried but failed not to laugh at Domi's sincerity.

After dinner, Dom showed Mor her new closet, bed and headboard-- the whole thing was really fancy actually. Mor worried about Dom's savings, but Domi insisted everything was going well.

They sat on the bed and talked about the latest novel they were both reading, and as the hours dragged on, Mor found herself tangled in Dom's legs again, found herself laying on Domi and kissing her again, found herself feeling less satisfied than last time. She stared, lost, in Domi's expressions, before realizing it was past midnight. Mor panicked and sat up abruptly, but Domi blurted out that she should stay the night. Morgan argued weakly that she didn't bring a toothbrush or change of clothes-- she didn't bring her bonnet either but she wasn't sure if she was ready to let Dom see that side of her. Domi desperately held onto Morgan's wrist and stuttered "You can wear my clothes, and-- and there's a 24/7 CVS on the corner."

"Domi, you want to buy a toothbrush at this hour? It'll be so," Mor couldn't stop her giggle, "it'd be so obvious--"

"What's wrong with that..?"

Mor stopped giggling and she let her eyes focus on Dom, taking in the quiet desperation in her eyes. It never struck her that Domi would be feeling lonely too, even though she knew Dom was a really lonely person. Mor felt a squeeze in her chest.

"Okay Baby, let's go."

It was only by a year, but when Dom smiled like that, Morgan remembered she was younger and would be overwhelmed with the desire to dote on her.

They threw their shoes on and ran downstairs into the now 2am night. Mor was shocked to see how fast Dom could run in 4-inch heels. Why didn't she put on sneakers? Dom laughed at the question and admitted between gasps of air that she doesn't own sneakers. The CVS employee stared at them tired but knowingly, just as Mor feared but somehow couldn't bring herself to care anymore. Domi's excitement melted away all her anxiety. It wasn't until they were running back to the apartment that Mor realized Dom had also bought a box of ice cream. Her breath made little white puffs in the night air as she laughed. It reminded her of the time they were almost caught by the security guard for playing on the roped-off mall piano.

Morgan never knew brushing her teeth could be fun.

As they tangled up in bed, Morgan could still feel the silly exhilaration pulsing through her body. Her legs rubbed all over Dom as they both giggled and suddenly Mor felt the months of abstinence catching up to her. She stared at Dom in the dark, wondering, but trying to suppress it. They were having such a sweet night and they were just supposed to sleep and Dom was still figuring it out and, and-- Dom's pitch black eyes pierced through the dark and Mor tried to breathe but she couldn't. As the quiet settled between them, Morgan couldn't stop herself from squeezing her legs around Dom. She swore Dom could hear her swallow.

As if reading her mind, Dom quietly asked if she could take care of her. Morgan couldn't even try to hide it, but even in the dark, her eyes had acclimated enough to see the gentle smile that melted her insecurities away. There was something about the way Domi was straight-forward, the way her low voice whispered very gently but directly, lovingly, "Let's have sex," that made Morgan's head swim and chest swell. Feeling the bed shift as Dom moved on top of her sent an ache pulsing through her hips. She missed the feeling of holding onto Dom's broad, bare shoulders, feeling her shoulder blades tense and move under her fingernails as she dug in. She missed the smell of Dom's cologne mixing with her sweat, missed the way her soft voice got heavier as she started panting. She missed her wide hands and the way they held her possessively and sunk into her deeply, missed the way Dom looked down at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. She missed her, she missed her.

The next morning, Domi took Morgan out for breakfast at a nearby cafe before seeing her off. Mor went home in a daze and tried to supress the desire to UHaul for the hundredth time.

---

Another night, Domi texted Mor out of the blue saying she was nearby after a photoshoot. Mor immediately invited her over.

It'd been a while since Domi had been to her place, but Whisper still remembered her and still had the same strange, quiet obsession with her. Domi was learning how to play with her better, even though she was still adorably awkward. Morgan made them dinner and Domi excitedly told Mor about the jobs she was picking up. They kept talking on Mor's twin bed, tangled together out of necessity this time. Mor's apartment was so much smaller and so much more cluttered, but Dom always seemed to like it. She would ask Mor about all her little trinkets and wall art, always seeming to find a new interesting thing. It reminded her of the first time Dom asked about her tattoos. After her show and tell, Mor decided to gift Dom one of the little figures on her bookshelf. If it had been anyone else, Mor would have laughed, but seeing Dom reverently hold a Sanrio figurine in her big hand made Mor so unbelievably happy. "Yes, Baby, you can keep it. Please keep it." Dom looked ready to cry.

They ended up talking too long again, so Mor invited Dom to stay over this time. Domi smiled shyly and said she actually did have a toothbrush in her purse.

"So you were planning this?"

"Maybe..."

Mor laughed. She was so happy.

They cuddled all night. Morgan wanted to sleep like that for the next five thousand years.

---

Between the visits and overnight stays, Mor noticed that Domi would sometimes forget her clothes at Morgan's apartment. She asked for permission the first time, but soon started wearing Dom's shirts without asking. It was never her buttonups, they were too tight and better for hugging as she fell asleep, but Dom had some pullovers and tees that started making a permanent residence in Mor's closet. She always giggled at seeing the brand name tags. Mor would only give them back when the smell started to fade. She couldn't bring herself to confess to Dom that she had masturbated while wearing one of them once-- surrounded by the hints of her gentle musk-- even though she somehow knew Dom wouldn't mind, she was just too guilty. She didn't know that Dom would sometimes postpone washing them because she liked having Morgan's smell on them too.

Mor also started leaving things at Dom's place. The first time was an accident, but then she started doing it on purpose. It was simple things, like one of her oversized sweaters, a throw blanket, or sauces and spices so that she didn't have to take so many things back and forth when she wanted to cook for her. She started using them as an excuse to come over more. She wanted to feed her, wanted to help fill her void of an apartment, wanted to see if Dom would wear her clothes, wanted to make love until her sweet fashion model smelled more like pomegranate and shea butter than she did of Yves Saint Laurent cologne. Really, Morgan just wanted to be together all the time. She wanted to live together, but she was struggling to ask.

Was it always this hard to ask?

---

The first time Dom spent a full weekend at Morgan's place, they ate, watched movies, and somehow ended up fucking every four hours. It always confused Mor how Dom seemed to enjoy servicing her every time-- or where she got the energy-- but she couldn't deny she felt so spoiled. It was hard to resist when Dom looked at her like that. Like she'd never seen a more beautiful woman, like she was at the mercy of her feelings spilling out of her at any moment.

Mor felt delirious from the way Dom would quietly and reverently praise how pretty her voice was, how soft her skin was, how good she felt. It made Mor feel submissive, but she knew Domi didn't mean it like that-- she knew she meant it adoring, worshipping. She never thought anyone could ever love her this way, but more than that, she never thought she could believe it.

Mor spent both nights of that weekend watching Dom sleep and wondering. When was the right time? How much longer could she take the separations and gaps? Was Dom pent up from their time apart? Even though she didn't want Domi to be lonely, there was a selfish part of her that wished she was sad when they were apart.

---

As a reward for finishing a big design project, Dom suggested that Mor bring Whisper over and spend a full week at her place. Mor agreed excitedly and made sure to get wash day out of the way before she went. She hoped she could make it through the week, but in exchange she felt she should try to protect her hair for bed around Dom this time. To her surprise, Dom didn't comment on it at all, and wrapped Mor in her arms as she fell asleep as usual. Mor couldn't quite explain how it made her feel, but it was undeniably warm.

Dom had odd work days, so Mor would be left alone in the apartment sometimes. But instead of feeling lonely, she felt a strange sense of belonging. Maybe it was the way Dom had casually given her a key, or how Mor's things had been slowly accumulating, or the fact Whisper settled in quite nicely, or that the kitchen was full of Mor's cooking.

In her mind, Morgan started redecorating the apartment and wondering where her things would go.

On the fourth day, Mor realized she forgot to refill her meds. Without thinking, she left Whisper with Dom and ran out. It wasn't until she was already back and unlocking the door that she realized the chaos she might've left Dom in. But to her relief, she opened the door to the sight of Dom playing with Whisper. Morgan wondered if this is what straight women felt when seeing their husbands taking care of their kids. She stood in the doorway and watched until Dom noticed and welcomed her home. Morgan wanted so badly to call this home.

The morning of the last day, Dom woke Morgan up with neck kisses and made love to her quietly, tangled up under the white sheets. They both lingered wordlessly, naked bodies wrapped up together. When Morgan realized she hadn't taken off her bonnet, she laughed, embarrassed, and asked why Dom hadn't removed it before having sex with her. Dom didn't understand what the problem was, and as Mor navigated out of her embarrassment, her bashful laughter faded. She stared at Dom and slipped out a hushed "I don't want to go home."

Morgan blinked several times in quick succession, realizing what she'd said and that she was already welling up from a mix of yearning and shame.

"I'm sorry, I--"

"Then stay. Move in with me."

It took a full minute for Morgan to take in what Dom had said. She finally looked up at her and was met with that same sincerity she knew Dom carried with her at all times.

"Morgan, I want to live together. I- I miss you all the time..."

Mor didn't know how much longer she could run from Domi's open, honest love. How much longer her doubt could convince her that this woman was not head over heels for her.

"Yes. Yes. of course I'll move in."

Morgan would never forget the way Dom smiled that morning.

[stackofpossums]

Could I get a Hc for how the M6 would react to finding out Mc's past is worse than they thought? Like finding the shop is the point their life goes from awful to okay to eventually great. Before then? You can leave it as vague as you'd like.

(I have an Mc who was an executioner/pet similar but different from Muriels executioner/gladiator role being Their scars are from the person in charge and all their opponents were never given a chance. Another Mc who tried to live up to others expectations for him. Eventually forced to leave his home or die at 10 because his sister tried to murder him for a power he didn't even want. My third Mc who had abusive parents and learned from a passing by sparrow that they need to run away to save themselves.

What if before the shop Mc's life was actually horrible? So like to the point they never told anyone, not even Asra. Only telling stories about after they had moved to the shop to live with their aunt.)

I just finished a big assignment so Mc who has a dark past let's go:

Asra: He already knew MC past was dark and was kind of glad they didn't have to remember that when they lost their memories. Then they got their memory back. And oh. OH. He never knew it was this bad. At first, he's a little upset that MC never felt safe enough to confide in him. He quickly realizes, "No, it wasn't him." He's grateful MC chose to confide in him now, and he's going to do everything in his power to support them. He'll hold them and comfort them while they talk if MC is comfortable with that. The salamander has already lit the stove so he can brew some calming tea. Therapy has been scheduled. He is fully committed to helping MC heal as much as possible, mostly out of love, but there's a tiny part of him that feels guilty for not knowing sooner.

Julian: He thought he had it bad. He didn't know it could be this bad. He may be a doctor, but... for quite possibly the first time in his life, he knows he isn't qualified to fix this. He's gonna set MC up with the best mental health care. Until then, he's going to attempt to theraptize them himself. He encourages MC to talk not only about their past but also about how it made them feel, how they're feeling now, what challenges they are having, and anything and everything else they want to share. He's going to respond with hella words of affirmation, making sure MC knows how much he cares about them and that their safe now.

Nadia: Patiently listens to MC's story, no matter how gruesome the details are. She'll hold them tightly when it becomes too much for them to bear. There are no words to describe the hurt she feels for them to her very core. Afterward, she is setting them up with the best mental health support money can buy. Only the best therapists, medications, if MC wants to try them, or anything else. Anything MC thinks will help them is theirs. No expense is too great for her beloved MC. She's pretty venengeful, though. It'll be tough to convince her not to make the lives of anyone who's made MC suffer hell. She'll relent eventually, though, because she's knows if MC doesn't want that, it won't be helpful.

Muriel: Out everyone here, he understands it the most. It's a little hard for him to listen sometimes because he remembers times in his life where he felt just as hopeless as MC. He's here for MC, though, and makes it his mission to make sure MC NEVER feels that way again. He shares the techniques he's found for dealing with trauma, as well as helps MC find what works for them. He pushes them to keep going when he notices they are struggling. He comforts them when it's too much. He celebrates with them for every challenge they overcome, no matter how "small." It's the least he can do for them after everything they've done for him.

Portia: When MC first opens up about their past, their a bit afraid they're going to get squeezed to death by Portia's hugs. She's the other LI mostly likey to try to go after the people's who hurt her precious MC, she solves problems with fists flying. But that's okay. She's sneaky. She's going to make sure anyone who hurt MC wakes up to a fun surprise. Other than that, MC can always count on Portia for a listening ear. She will comfort MC through any story they need to tell and wants to help them find closure however she can.

Lucio: Oh. Oh no. No one gets to hurt his MC. No one. Who shall he defeat in battle for you? That won't help? Oh... well... what can he do? Lucio would do ANYTHING to make things better for MC. Just say the word. Hugs, he's here. No hugs? That's fine, too. He's here to listen. He knows a thing or two about unpleasant pasts. But you have each other now. MC has had his back despite everything he's done. It would be criminal not to do the same.

[satans-codpiece]

Darkfic Enjoyer here. please share some of your dark thoughts since you said you only unleashed your demons in only one fic of yours >:)

With Ramattra, you mean? Because EY doesn't even come close to releasing demons as compared to a lot of stuff I wrote with Kylo Ren or Michael Myers.

I just never really got a lot of darkfic inspiration for him? I honestly haven't in quite a while-- I dunno if that's better commentary on my relationship with my recent string of blorbos or on my mental health lol. Because the potentiality for darkfic with Ramattra is right there.

TW: Noncon, kidnapping, paralysis/forced to watch, injury, probably more

I briefly started a hard noncon fic where Reader is injured and/or pinned in the wake of a Null Sector attack and Ramattra unleashes some of that pent-up rage on them. Lots of Ramattra using his strength to keep Reader still and him talking about how this is justified by the simple fact that they are human and deserve to suffer as so many omnics have.

But I just didn't have the drive to write it?? There's so many WIPs I have with him that I want to finish but can't force my awful brain to look at for more than a few minutes at a time, but with the noncon fic I wrote a little bit and then my brain was like mmm, no. not this flavor. I still love reading noncon with Ramattra, I just don't have that drive to write it.

Hell, even, a Reaper/Reader noncon fic (with Sombra/Ramattra noncon in the background) was of higher interest to me than Ramattra/Reader noncon.

(For interested parties: where Talon is done using NS so Reaper & Sombra are sent to deal with Ramattra & Reader, but in particular Reaper's more than happy to make a point on what happens to people who betray Talon. so Sombra disables Ramattra-- but makes sure that he's awake and aware of what's happening as Reaper attacks Reader, with maybe some unwanted wireplay so that he's forced to cum watching it).

But with Megatron it comes so naturally. The very first thing I wrote with him was “Mmm, fabricating desire in exchange for your own survival is hardly the worst idea your species has had.” Literally the first line of dialogue my muse spat out to me was him accusing (and approving of!!) Reader trying to seduce him so that he wouldn't kill them.

And everything I have written with him since then-- which is all unfinished or no-context snippets that idk if I'll post-- has involved some degree of fuckedupness.

Megatron/Reader mutual noncon + Starscream/Megatron/Reader where Starscream catches Reader & forces them to suck off a regular gun. And Reader's humiliated and scared and just so confused as to why Starscream has this regular human gun laying around- until they realize it's literally Megatron stuck in a new alt mode that they've been polishing with their tongue. To which Starscream giddily fucks them with Megatron's barrel and the whole time Reader is terrified because... what does an overload look like for a gun? Also, Starscream's motivation is much more centered on Megatron, Reader is completely incidental and just gave him an opportunity.

Megatron & Knock Out discussing the mental health implications of kidnapping a human for morale (everyone is jealous of the Autobots' pets obviously). Namely, Reader is having a bad time of it- who wouldn't?- and Megs suggests to KO that he'd rather kill this high-strung human now and replace them with one more... agreeable before the crew gets attached. KO (who is already attached) insists that Reader will feel better as they get acclimated.

During the events of Rock Bottom (TFP), it's Reader who finds Megatron. They, naively, agree to help him (because it's the right thing to do TM) in exchange for his promise that he won't harm any of the other humans or autobots in the mine. Of course, he just kidnaps Reader at the end instead. When they're furiously kicking the inside of his jet form, he'll insist he didn't lie; they weren't harmed, were they?

Not really super dark in the way any of the above are, but literally just a little dubcon-y drabble with Reader & Megatron making out and Megatron's denta cut Reader's lip. And Reader tries to back off, but Megatron is so fucking horny about it that he holds them still and kisses them harder.

And that's just what I've written. I've also toyed with Facsimile!Reader where Megatron fucks you because why not, you exist only to serve the decepticon cause and, well, you basically feel like a human on the inside and he's curious. Super fucked up not because of the dubcon but more in tone, that you entire existence is for obeying him and serving him and dying for him and you're okay with that.

[polaroidbills]

bills

˚✧₊ ( 🧾🫀 ) yang jungwon - a drabble

cw/genre: ex!jungwon x reader, bad breakup, moving one, letting go, only one person losing feelings, one mention of food, angstiest angst ever, growing out of love.

prompt: bills by enhypen

wc: 542

a/n: hello! here's some great jungwon angst cuz i fet like it. hope you enjoy!

now playing... bills - enhypen

it was perfect. everthing was perfect, just how i dreamt it would be. i had good grades, a great circle of friends, my mental health was sky rocketing, and i had the most amazing boyfriend ever.

it was our fate to be together.

but that "fate" was never meant to last forever.

that "fate" was only temporary.

it was fun for a while. fun while it lasted. but it didn't last like how i expected it to.

we did everything together. study, shop, eat, walk, and laugh.

all for that for what? just for us to fall apart and grow out of our love?

it's hard to accept. but it's the truth.

yang jungwon was everything i wanted in a guy. kind, caring, affectionate, funny, attractive, and so much more.

of course he still is.

everything stayed the same, except for our feelings. his feelings.

he didn't love me anymore.

but i loved him. i still do.

i can't do anything without thinking of him. everything reminds me of him. songs, food, places, movies, and even scents. it all circles back to him.

yang jungwon.

he was still perfect as ever.

but this is the price i pay.

the price i pay for expecting so much.

the price i pay for doing everything with him, instead of having time alone.

now, he's still all i think about. but i know he doesn't feel the same way.

i could tell we were growing apart. it all just kept piling onto each other. the price i pay getting more and more expensive. until it reached its limit, its peak, and crashed down.

we're the perfect example of a breakup aren't we?

if only i could go back into time and undo it. but it can't be undone.

the day he broke up with me, our last conversation, felt like my life was over. the pain was too much.

the lonliness grew like a snowball.

it felt like my heart was torn into a million pieces. it felt like there was no fixing it. like it was broken forever.

but it's not. it won't be broken forever. and i need to learn that.

i need to let myself know that there's so much more to life than just jungwon and a breakup.

i just want to move on.

i just wanna let go.

but the occasional thoughts of him still liking me won't leave.

why don't they just let go?

i'm done sulking and paying for this break up. i want it all to be over.

i will know i have officially let go when i finish paying of the pain.

but will i ever be able to pay off this pain?

that is unknown.

the price still grows as my tears flow.

i have to pay the consequences and values of parting. and i will, until these bills are out of my reach. until these thoughts can no longer fit in my brain capacity.

i realize that soon i will finally be able to let go. just like i wanted.

sign.

i will soon sign the final bill of this breakup and move on.

i just wanna let go of these bills.

i just wanna let go of jungwon.

i just wanna let go.

@polaroidbills please DO NOT copy, plagiarize, or repost any of my work.

🏷️ @enhacolor

[waterfallofspace]

A Word-Filled Update

that no one's asking forrrr~

Sooooo, hiya~ ^^

Realized I kinda dropped out without much word, and wanted to give a lil update to anyone who may care, (and specifically to all the unfilled requests that have been sat in my inbox for months now T~T)

Dropping it under a cut because it gets quite long~ but I'll also TL;DR it with: been a bit burnt out, trying to get back into this, I apologize for all the unanswered asks, and I will be trying to get to the ones I can, but I'll be focusing more on trying to enjoy the process of making content~ Thank you to anyone who's stuck around <3

(Tw for brief mention of mental health/neurodivergencies~ nothing in depth or dark, but just incase anyone wants to avoid that <3)

Nothing serious has been going on, mostly just burn out and a bit of drama in main friend group, combined with free time just being a lot more limited recently~ (not a bad thing, most of it is because I'm getting to talk more with friends I've gotten closer to this past year~)

That said, I've been trying to get back into content, making it, reblogging it, etc, without letting it become all-consuming. I find, with the way my brain works, mostly to do to some wonderful neurodivergent tendencies, I tend to fall heavily into 'all of nothing' mentality.

This shows up in my day to day life, (ie: can't wash the dishes for weeks until I suddenly do them all in one day) and I've definitely noticed it with content creation. Need to write and finish a story in one go, record a wav as fast as possible, always afraid I'll lose that motivation.

But honestly? I love making content on here! And I'm not a huge blog, nor do I care if I am (at least trying not to, if I'm being painfully honest~) but I genuinely love making content. Whether it's just for me, a request that I am hoping one specific person will enjoy, or a story I write with a community in mind, I just love creating~

So, I'm trying to ease my way back into this! Bit by bit, let it be fun, and enjoyable, with less internal pressure to produce as much as I can, as fast as I can, and make it be perfect.

I won't lie and say 'numbers don't matter to me', if I'm honest, they do. But I'm learning more and more how to let it be about the content, and to just enjoy the process~ (and if people like it, that'll be a wonderful bonus!~)

Wooo this is getting so long, I apologize sincerely! Last thing, something I've mentioned a few times previously but never really let myself get into... requests~

I'm so honoured that people care about my content enough to have asked for things, and getting any ask, request, praise, ask lists, heck even just a 'hi!' is honestly the best part of this blog for me!

Buuuut, I definitely worked myself into burn-out before with a "every request needs to be filled and fast" mentality, that led to just... not filling any.

So! I'm going back through my inbox, and deleting some older ones that I don't have a clear vision/motivation for. I apologize to anyone who requested them, though by now it's possible they're long gone~ But I think this will help me not only start enjoying the creation process without feeling so overwhelmed, but also start actually getting more content made~

There are definitely a bunch that I still adore, and am thrilled to get to test out, but if there's one you remember sending, and you really want to see it completed, please feel free to send another ask saying what it is you want done, and I'll see if I can get that going <3

And if you've stuck it out to the end here- uh hi! ^^ I'm sorry this is so long, I'm such a words person, but I appreciate you so much, not just for any support you've offered, but just bothering to read this <3 I genuinely didn't expect most to make it this far, so thank you so deeply <3 and I hope to see you guys around as I start reblogging stuff more!~

[cloud-somersault]

Hey, how are you doing? I hope you’re alright. 💕 I’ve been reading your status updates on Constellations and the Epilogue, and I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re amazing. Your writing is incredible and I love it. Your stories are so well thought out and the characters are ✨on point✨, and the plot is complex and detailed and aaahhh! It has me hooked! 🤩

And I understand how it hurts when you put so much effort and love into a story, only to post it and not see others be anywhere near as excited or invested as you are. I know how discouraging it can be. And it may be a little silly, but I do want to apologize for not commenting lately—life took some difficult turns for me healthwise around the end of last year and I haven’t been able to catch up! I’m still on Chapter 4 of Constellations! 😭 BUT Chapter 5 is open on my phone, and I am READY to read it as soon as I have the time (and mental energy, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue 😩). Don’t worry that your writing isn’t enough, or be discouraged if some readers don’t catch hints while others are figuring it all out seemingly too easily. Everybody reads and comprehends stuff differently, and it’s not a sign that your writing is bad if they don’t catch it! Honestly, I’m pretty bad at catching hints the first time I read a story unless they’re pretty darn obvious. I don’t usually notice subtle hints until the second, or third, or even seventh read-through, haha! (on the bright side, rereading stories and rewatching TV shows is always fun!) 😅

I guess what I really wanted to say is… don’t give up hope. Don’t lose your love and enthusiasm for your works, or feel like they aren’t worth writing because others don’t seem interested in them. At the heart of it all… at the end of the day… write because you love to. Because it makes you happy. And know that it doesn’t have to be “perfect”—the main goal should be that you enjoy it. That’s something I’m trying to teach myself, too. 💕

Thank you for taking the time to write this message and send it. I appreciate you're very kind words 💕I'm doing okay, I just had to take a step back for a bit from socials and stuff. I'm gonna keep that up for a while.

Please don't apologize for not commenting or taking your time reading. Your health always comes first, and I'm sorry if I came off as childish or needy, that wasn't my intention. Two things just happened that set me off and the timing of it was incredibly poor 😓

Please take your time reading; none of it is going anywhere, and don't feel obligated to leave comments either. i'm realizing that, even if chapters are short or long, finding the time to finish things is difficult, and everyone lives different lives. And I'm sorry about all the spoilers on this blog, I'll tag that better from now on.

But I really do think I got confused or disjointed in my perceptions; everyone here knows so much because i've been asked questions and given answers and people have interacted, so people following me here have more context than the average ao3 user. But I've kinda been expecting everyone to be on the same page, which will never be true.

I'm also the same way where it takes me a while to pick up on hints. I actually changed my writing style to prevent this. I got tired of reading books in college where you had to dive into every little thing. the hints and clues weren't obvious to me. I decided then that, when I wrote, I wanted things to be bold, obvious, but beautiful. I didn't want to make readers feel like they're missing something. I wanted them to trust that every answer, every clue would be answered in time. I made that promise to myself a decade ago, and being reminded of how different people interpret things just...made me remember.

I take writing really seriously, probably too seriously, but I've been doing it for so long and I love doing it. I want to be good at it. When it feels like I've gone back on that promise to myself, I get frustrated. I think of ways I could've fixed things. But I also remember that those books and those writing styles just weren't for me. I wasn't the target audience.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but I wanted to explain why I got upset. I still love Constellations and I'm posting it on ao3 out of convenience, really. It's easier to reference and search there in one "Entire Work" than to have 5 documents open. The fact that others can see and read and have fun is a bonus. But I'm committed to telling this story, and I'm gonna finish with a bang.

Thank you, I won't forget why I'm doing this and that my thoughts/feelings come first! 😤I hope your health concerns are taken care of soon. Take it easy, and thanks again! 💕

[starfragment1979]

I've been working on that fanfic, the one that was supposed to be fluff-n-smut, but the more I write the more plot starts creeping in, and just a liiitle bit of conflict. I was telling my spouse about this, and they joked that I just can't stop myself from writing a well rounded story, ha.

It's also turning out to be longer than I had anticipated, because of course it is. I had four scenes in mind, and I was going to post them as separate chapters just for ease of reading, but I was also going to post the whole thing at once because I didn't think it would be that long. But I just finished chapter one last week and it's 10k words, and if each chapter plays out the same way, 40k is kind of a lot of fluff-n-smut with some bonus plot and conflict. I'll probably still post it all at once, though, once it's done.

But, oh, friends, it is going so slow. I have been struggling with health stuff since early November... I thought at first it was just election stress, but after a while I started assuming I must've somehow gotten sick with a virus. My normal, everyday symptoms for years now include things like body aches and fatigue and sore throat and congestion and shortness of breath etc etc etc, which means it's so hard to tell the difference between just another flare up and being sick with something new, so I never even thought to test for covid until it was too late. I guess it doesn't matter now.

But I have been stuck in bed all day and exhausted and in pain and either not sleeping or sleeping like the dead and having nightmares every night and my brain is so sludgy that it takes superhuman strength to wrestle words out of it. Like it takes me fifteen minutes to write a sentence and then when I reread it I realized I already used half the words in the previous paragraph which I wrote the day before. I do have random better days where writing comes a little easier, and the story itself is clear in my head, I'm just struggling to find the words to convey it. But this one is gonna need some more substantial line editing when I'm all done writing, I think.

And just to be clear, I am writing these stories for myself. Like I do absolutely love the kudos and comments and the occasional Tumblr post or whatever, and I'll admit to regularly refreshing my stats page to see if I got more hits. But if I was just in this for the accolades, I'd go find a more active fandom.

I'm writing these stories because I love the characters and the lives and the world I've created for them. But also the act of writing itself is so vital to me feeling like a human being, and especially now as I'm increasingly bedbound and can't really access visual arts or craft projects, writing is one of the only ways I can practice creativity. I have lost so much to this illness, and I don't want to lose writing and stories and art, too, even if it's a struggle, even if I'm using more energy than I can afford to do it.

I don't know how to express how vital writing and creativity is to my mental health without this whole post coming across as a pity party. Every now and then, when I'm having a bad day or a string of bad days, I'll start to think, "Maybe this should be my last story, maybe I shouldn't be doing this anymore." But I don't like to think about what my life would be like without writing, and I don't want to lose that last little shred of humanity.

And whenever I start to think I should quit, I also wind up thinking up another story I want to write, and I wind up wanting it badly enough that I decide to keep going for just one more story. And then one more. And on it goes.

I've actually got the next story I want to write fully fleshed out in my head, like scene-for-scene, a lot of the prose and dialogue clear in my mind. It'll be a one shot where Flick has a medical issue, panics about it, and CJ helps take care of him. (I know, I know... it's not my exact medical issues, but there probably is some projecting going on here, lol.) And it's all so clear in my head that I'm tempted to take a break from my current story and write that one instead, to strike while the iron is hot, because maybe it's also easier for me to write angst than it is to write sex, ha. But I also think it's probably better for me to save it for later, so that I have some future plans and something to look forward to, to use my own stories as a life raft for myself.

[sidhedust]

Hi hi :3 I have some news. I'm going to try and keep it short and sweet since it isn't that big of a deal, but this is kinda hard to condense into one paragraph.

As of a few days ago, around the 16th or so, I made the sad decision to just shelf TLGotH for a while. Working on it has been horrible for my mental health, I think. I've already kinda went into my past encounters in putting it out there and how bitter some feedback has left me with a community/process that should be fun (and this is a bad thing, as negative feedback is something I'll have to tolerate as someone putting work out there), and it's also left me disliking my artwork. I often found myself wondering why I even bothered creating the story, which is my sign to leave it for a while. I won't stop drawing for it cold turkey, but expect to see less of Luana and company in finished illustrations and comics.

HOWEVER

Not all hope is lost! I'm not giving up, just shifting focus. At the risk of (unfortunately, very heavily) spoiling a few things in the big story, I'm going to be focusing on making media about the ancestors of the characters of the big work, side characters, and other side stuff about the character's lives outside of the plot (kinda like that comic I posted 3 weeks back, but maybe more polished/colored). I already have drafts of the ancestral stories in my Google Docs, ideas for side comics, all of that.

A lot of my ideas are old, but I only just now gained the energy and time to actually act on them, and this is a good time to get some worldbuilding in as I...do something about TLGotH's debut and my attitude towards the story.

If you were here to potentially play the VN, or get to know the plot of the main story, I'm sorry! I didn't realize how BAD things were until I just couldn't lift a pen to finish Kamala's key artwork or even sketch the promo poster for the VN. I'd like to come back to it when I have the skill and positive mindset needed to make a work like TLGotH, which is not as marketable/universally digestible as the ancestral stories, and is a slower in pace than anything else I make.

Thanks for reading! I hope that the new angle will be as enjoyable as the old one was, and that my enjoyment will show through the work more as my mindset improves.

[jeonstudios]

before i read the rest of the new chapter this particular comment „“You gotta remember that she’s had a hectic few months and maybe wasn’t really able to process everything. You being an ass was probably the least of her worries for a while—until it wasn’t anymore. And healing isn’t always linear. I’m sure she’ll come around one day.”

irked me so bad. who the heck do these people think they are to overlook a person no a humans feelings and say shit like this? who in their right mind would forgive a person for saying i would’ve traded you for sex trafficking n stuff? like excuse me are you mentally stable at this point or why are only inhumane people working for the government who are obligated to protect a humans life? what is wrong with his friends and jk himself for thinking his dry ass apologies would make us want to have sympathy for him? just because she went thorough shit the couple of months doesn’t mean jungkook didn’t abuse her way longer? the fact that he and his friends say that he wouldn’t do that to her when he KNEW when that’s isn’t even relevant. YOU DONT GO AROUND TO BULLY SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW SHIT. YOU ASK THEM FOR THEIR SIDE OF THE STORY AND THEN MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION OR YOU STFU BECAUSE ITS NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

no im sorry for being so aggressive but i hate jungkook and his friends with every fiber in my body. they are still not aware of how deep they abused a persons psych and mental health to the point of being scared from the fucking police.

this is a hard ask to answer and make sense but i'll try... i'd say that jimin is trying to be optimistic for his obviously down friend and not necessarily say that reader is going to want to date jk (which jk isn't assuming either), but more so that she'll understand that he's telling the truth now and that she shouldn't feel so bad about herself just because of what he said. jk just doesn't want her to think that his insults are the ground truth, and jimin is saying that she'll come around and one day understand that and hopefully later on she'll be okay with being around him (professionally/platonically/romantically) without hurting so much. you're of course free to feel what you feel, but personally, i wouldn't say that they're dismissing her feelings, no one is saying that she'll have to forgive him, they just want her to heal and realize that the feelings she has because he was mean to her--she's allowed to have them, of course--but they're not "correct" in a way? because yeah, he said incredibly mean things to her but they weren't true and he didn't realize she was affected by them (because she did her best not to seem affected, after all). and for her, she has forgiven him in a way, because i think it makes sense to her that he wholeheartedly believed she had shot his best friend, like almost attempted murder shot him, and he only ever retaliated with words. i'd say she's hurting more because she thinks he sees her according to what he said more than she's hurting because he actually said the things he did. and she's scared he'll want to hurt her in the future if they disagree on things.

again, it's not only that he didn't know what had happened to her; he had no idea that she was scared of the police, or him, or men in general to that degree. he just "knew" she was an entitled, even dangerous person, who got away with shooting someone because she threatened with screaming sexism and they'd rather just let it slip. she never even hinted at the fact that he had the wrong idea about her, she never said anything that made her doubt his beliefs regarding her. she argued back, called him stuff almost as much as he called her stuff. so to him it only ever seemed like there was one agreed upon "side," she never said or did anything that clued him in on there being another.

again, you can feel and think whatever you want about them and the story, and if you feel like it's not your cup of tea, you don't have to finish it if you don't want to and if it's too frustrating. i don't mind ❤️

[feathers-in-the-night]

Ok I think I'm going to do something "crazy".

I know that fandom has changed a lot in the past 5-10 years and that we've all been conditioned to "consume content" over actually "admiring art, watching movies, reading books" etc. I've heard that people get less and less engangement on their fics - I just didn't realize how bad it was.

I think as I wrote this fic, I built the anticipation up in my head. I kept thinking about how excited I was for people to read it and to see their reactions and such. That's my mistake - I built it over in my head for almost two years.

I admit I'm spoiled - it's rare for ficwriters to have as much engagement as I enjoyed back in the day, and I appreciate now perhaps more than ever how spoiled I was back then.

But uploading this fic has straight up become bad for my mental health because I'm stuck in a loop of getting excited when I post a chapter, followed by total disappointment when I get a single comment. To be clear, I have a few faithful reviewers/commenters, and I love you so much. You're the only reason I'm not just deleting the whole thing.

But this fic has gone from being my proudest work, to something that's taking up way too much space in my head in a negative way, and I don't like that. I'm supposed to be relaxing and recharging right now so I have a lot of energy for next semester, where I'm writing my master thesis. But I can't do that when my brain is just full of this fic.

SO. I'm going to pause uploading until I've buckled down and finished the last chapter and the epilogue. I hope it'll be done within the next two weeks.

And then I'm going to upload the entire thing over the course of a day or a few days. Still separated into chapters, for an easier reading experience, of course.

But Ive reached the point where I just want this to be over so I can be free from this cycle I've got myself stuck in. There's no reason for me to upload once a week over the course of the next six months, if it's just making me sad. I'd rather just release the whole thing so my few lovely readers can enjoy the entire thing and I can get out of the unhealthy loop I'm in.

I'm not writing this to be a downer - I don't blame anyone but myself, because I'm the one that's allowing it to take up this much space, and allowing the lack of engagement to hold so much power over me. Getting your beautiful and indepth reviews are like crack and it makes my day, and I hope that people will still feel compelled to leave reviews, even though I'm releasing the entire thing at once. I honestly want to cry that I've allowed things to get this bad for me and that's why I just want to be done with it.

Anyway. I love you all and stay tuned for the entire fic in a week or two I guess ❤️ I sincerely hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I've loved writing it. Ive really rediscovered my love for writing and I have other ideas I'm going to pursue once this is done. Which is why I need it to be over

[mcalhenwrites]

Personal update, because... I don't know how things are going to go. I don't know when I'll update things. I don't know when I'll sleep properly and get any writing done. This hit when I was having a bit of a lapse in mental health, and I was discouraged about writing (but trying to keep myself from being pulled under!). I spent about 30 minutes pacing around my bathroom since it's further inside the building, trying to figure out if we were in the path of another tornado while the sirens blared. We were not. My town didn't get hit this time, like it did two weeks ago. Anyway. Two hours later, I'm face to face with a bed bug for the first time, and that fucked me up.

I broke down crying in a panic when I realized what it was and what it might meant for us. We're still searching through belongings because guess how much stuff we own? A LOT! (Someone advised me to go through each of my hundreds of books, page by page, to look for any hidden in them. I'm going to die.) But so far, it has only been the one. I haven't been mentally well. We're not rich over here, money is tight for my roommate and they're paying for all the bills. I just try to keep the place moderately clean, cook a few meals, and write my stories and hope they might sell a bit so I can make a little money to help out. I have been job searching and put in an application to one job that would've worked well for my disabilities, but I didn't get the job. I'm still waiting another month until my appointment to see a specialist about one of my severe health issues. One that can be treated and dealt with! But it's pretty bad! Things have been awful. Like seriously, I cannot catch a break. I don't know how to find the spoons I barely have to do all the work that needs done. I wanted to make progress on Seasons - and I still will, but I don't know how much this will slow that down - and I plan to finish up all those short stories for Geckos so I can publish them together. Geckos isn't really selling, but I am grateful it has sold a few copies. The apartment manager is aware of our situation. My library books are in gallon ziplocs to return in person Thursday and notify them that they might want to treat them or hold them back until they're certain they're safe for circulation again. Can't hurt. I just don't want anyone else to deal with this. I vacuumed this morning but I'm so sore and I can't sleep... tomorrow we are going to buy some things to help deal with this, like storage containers and bags and covers and whatnot. Seeing a lot of people mention steamers. I don't know how to live with this. Scabies during the beginning of covid was bad enough. Scabies being immediately followed by a fucking brown recluse bite that got badly infected and required me seeing a surgeon REALLY fucking sucked. Brown recluse infestatinos are awful! We left our shit apartment and broke lease to move here. It was decently good. Not the perfect place, but y'know. So seeing a bed bug in a building that's only about 2 years old... I worry we have neighbors who are dealing with it and won't say anything. It's a concern. I really don't want to live like this. The problem is I don't want to live at all now, because nothing ever lets up. My roommate is worried about me, so I have agreed this week to do some calling around for psychological help, but I am afraid to go to urgent care and pass along little fucking hell creatures. I'm afraid I might GET MORE OF THEM. Also, the one time I was in a psychiatric hospital was so bad, I had nightmares consistently about having to go back to one for over a year. I still get them sometimes. But I'm feeling suicidal in a "I can't deal with bed bugs" kind of way. I need help. I don't know how to get it. I'm mad that there are millions of other people in this same state. Why is our fucking country so into weapons and selling them to countries that blow up innocent people and starve them to death, so into guns it's appalling, but like... developing new antibiotics and housing people and looking for ways to take care of bed bugs? Nah. Why do that? Fuck the little people I guess.

[somelazyassartist]

I am having a very strange relationship with mental health currently and I need to talk about it or I feel like I'll explode!!! This is not all actually bad it's just like what is happening!!!!! Under cut bc I am just kinda rambling and don't know what I'm saying really and I'll probably delete this bc I will probably feel extremely weird about talking about it by the time I wake up tomorrow but!! Like j said I just feel like if I don't say anything I'm gonna explode!!!!!!

Like bad stuff out of the way first I guess there's like. Really traumatic realization about My ex-relationship where it's like. OH I was a literal child so I had no idea that was abusive but that was Really Fucking Abusive and I don't know how to deal with that?? I haven't even talked to that person in years and I'm in a much healthier and happier relationship now but like it is kinda fucking me up simply because I have no idea how I'm supposed to handle trauma that I didn't even know was trauma until after I'm far out of that situation. Also been having WAY more paranoia and weirdly vivid nightmares lately but I honestly have zero idea if those are related or not.

HOWEVER like literally don't worry about that at all ever BECAUSE despite those way lower lows than I usually have I have ALSO been having way higher highs in my mental health!!!!! And I don't know why!!!!! I knew moving would help with my depression a lot simply bc I'd be out of my shitty school and shitty cold garage bedroom and away from my shitty stepdad and away from the city (I do not handle loud and crowded and busy environments well) and now I live out in the middle of nowhere where it's quiet and I love it! But like for the last 4 years I've lived here I still felt like my depression had dulled like ALL my care about things down even if the depression itself kinda faded away. Like I got to the point where I wasn't crying myself to sleep every night, but I would read maybe 3 of my already-liked books a year and ignore my entire shelf of unread stuff, I had my favorite wizard outfit I'd wear on special occasions but every other day I'd just wear pajamas or a T-shirt and jeans because I couldn't be assed to do anything more, I'd have entire boxes of half-finished sketches because I would start drawing and lose interest halfway through the sketch, I have bins of art and decorations that I meant to put on my walls years ago and never did. But now!! Just in like the past few weeks specifically!!! I don't know why but I have had so much drive to DO THINGS!!!!! I WANT TO DO THINGS AGAIN!!!!! I've been reading!! Like, actually reading actual novels!!! Like I did when I was little where I was obsessed with making sure every book on my shelf got read at least once!!!!! I've been going through my closet and my accessory bins and makeup and pairing up what looks good!! I've actually been coordinating outfits and trying to make all my clothes have as much personality and fun as my one (1) special wizard outfit I wear!!! I had a bit of extra cash bc of holiday cards and I bought myself some armor despite knowing what it takes to maintain it and keep it nice because I actually have the motivation to upkeep it and find what clothes I have that will look good with a chestplate and pauldrons!!! (It also looks EXACTLY I mean EXACTLY like Laios Dunmeshi's armor so bonus autism win there)!!!!! I dug out my boxes of unfinished art and have been trying to finish old pieces!! I found my old half-filled notebooks and have been filling the blank pages that were leftover!!!!! I've been working on zines, I've been WRITING again (I fucking LOVED writing when I was a kid but grew to hate it eventually), I have multiple rough drafts for graphic novels and animations and in-universe 1st person perspective fantasy research journals!!!! I've been putting up art prints that've sat in boxes for years!!! I've been looking for where a shelf would go nicely to display my trinkets and nick knacks!!! I've been looking into 3D printing lightswitch covers with cool designs and figuring out what to paint on my bookshelves!!!!!!! I'm honestly extremely nervous and scared that this is temporary, and that soon I'm going to fade back into not caring about these things, and that if it goes away again it won't come back like what's happening now - but I am trying my best to keep caring and keep Loving life the way I haven't in years!!! And that is all anybody can do I think!!!!!!!

[immunetoneurotoxin]

Small Incendiary Update:

I know I've been radio silent for a couple weeks, lots of things have been happening in my personal life that I've been battling with - those things being job hunting, interviews, and surviving. I didn't get the job I was really hoping for after two interviews that took over a month's time for that particular position, and even though it was really devastating news to get, I'm not giving up!

With that being said, since I didn't get that job I was counting on, there won't be a chapter update for Incendiary for some time. I've been on a writing dry-spell after weeks of bad news and struggling with re-employment, and trying to cope has put a massive toll on my creative flow and muse at the moment. While the next chapter is about 50% done, it's still nowhere near complete or polished to how I envisioned it to have it uploaded by this upcoming Monday. I've been making small edits every other day, but nowhere near the level of several-hour long writing sessions I've been doing last month. My full time job right now IS applying for jobs, and it's taken a really hard toll on my mental and emotional health that's been noticeably affecting my writing, and I realize I need to take a break. So in the meantime, I'm going to be stepping back from writing for a short while until I can get another big girl job again. :')

I hate going on hiatuses, but the support I've been getting on this story has been astronomical and there is without a doubt a promise from me to all of you that I'll absolutely be coming back to finish this story no matter what. Tysm all of you for sticking with me and understanding. <3