#I didn’t mean to get myself like I did
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Massarati was a courting gift to andrew from abram after he realized they were courting one another
My face reading this omggggggg
(Gonna put this up top instead of at the end; find the royal au writing masterpost here 💕)
So this is the 4800 words of fluff; @jtl-fics was bouncing a LOT of ideas with me about it and everything was so sweet 😭🥰 you can read it here! :D or continue on this post for the sparknotes version from Abram's pov (minus the picnic date tho 👀), and let’s showcase my inexperience with horses ✨
THIS IS GREAT I done got myself a little by making Maserati a rescue case… like Abram’s probably right about what happened to her though I didn’t fully decide on it (I’m also making up everything about horse breeds in this universe thank youuu). He’s out one day for whatever reason and comes across this horse in no pasture that’s tall, clearly made for working, but it’s far too skinny. A little skiddish, but not enough that Abram can’t approach after a while of trying. It’s a familiar breed under the dirt and malnutrition.
He doesn’t even bother seeing where it might have come from. He fashions a makeshift lasso/bridle thing from rope and takes a few hours calming the horse enough to bring it back with him to the castle, leaving it in one of the smaller/less used stables with plenty of food and water before going to find Day or someone else that might be able to help. She doesn’t look impressive at first, obviously. But with lots of help and lots of time from Abram taken in secret to the stables, she slowly starts to get better. She gains weight, she gets readjusted to people, she lets him take care of her coat and hair.
At some point, Andrew insists once again on keeping Abram nearby when Abram is having a worse night than usual. Panicking easily, generally unwell. (Andrew is also wondering why Abram is suddenly spending so much time away, why he won’t tell Andrew where he’s been or what he’s doing. It’s completely in his right to do it, so Andrew never forces the issue, but it’s such an obvious switch from his normal behavior. Right when Andrew thought he could start leaning into the courting, it feels like Abram is pulling away and it hurts a little. He gets worried.) Abram can’t sleep, and Andrew won’t sleep until Abram does, so they lay on his bed with Andrew resting against Abram’s lap, relaxing or reading or tracing scars with his fingertips. It’s a long while before Abram asks, unprompted, “Did you ever have an ideal horse?”
Andrew gives him a look.
“I mean… a dream horse. Maybe when you were little, something you always wanted.”
Andrew makes a small noise. “I think most kids do.”
“Right. So did you?”
It takes more convincing than that, lots of Abram assuring Andrew that it’s not stupid, he’s just curious. He’ll tell Andrew his next. And finally Andrew tells Abram of when he was young, living with the Spears, and would fantasize about being anywhere else. He’d take a horse as black as night so no one would see him when he ran away, a horse that was strong and fast enough to take him wherever he wanted to go. He used to imagine it would carry two, so he could take his governess with him, but that was before she left. It was all child’s play, anyway. It didn’t matter now. (Abram’s horse wasn’t so detailed, but he said if he had to pick a coat color, he was very happy with the blue roan he was given.)
So the next time Abram goes to the stable he looks at her, sees how well she’s bulking up, sees again how much larger she is than the Friesians he’s used to from Evermore. She looks even stronger than those already capable horses. When she’s healthy she can certainly carry two riders and more besides, and her endurance is like the horse equivalent of his own. Her coat is getting shiny again, sleek like black oil.
When she’s healthy and ready, Abram trains her. He again has help, of course - there are people who’s jobs it is to take care of and train the castle’s horses and it isn’t him - but she has an undeniable soft spot for Abram. They get her used to being fully decked out in nice tack and equipment and whatever else. Abram holds her steady to get shoed. The veterinarians/au equivalent make sure she stays healthy and the stable master grows more impressed with her every day. She’s not your average horse, he tells Abram. She’s smart. There’s real intelligence in those eyes.
Abram could not be happier.
By the time the twins’ birthday comes around she is ready to go. Abram spends the morning before his work begins making sure she is as sparkling as he can get her, all ready for her favorite stable hand to take her to the main stables later while Abram attends the prince at the festivities. The stable hand is going to put her in her new tack, too, the beautiful white set Abram spent a good chunk of coin to have commissioned. The horse is perfectly well mannered around people now, though only Abram and a handful others can ride her. Abram only plans his evening because he knows she lets anyone ride alongside him - if Abram deems them worthy, the horse won’t protest. It isn’t trust he ever takes lightly. He’s pretty certain she’ll end up allowing Andrew every privilege she allows Abram. He is so excited and so, so nervous for that night. She’s as perfect as she could possibly be, but Andrew has gotten Abram so many wonderful gifts. This is the first time Abram has returned the favor with such intention. Hopefully it’s good enough. (She is.)
Oh also in case you’re wondering. Andrew only needs a new horse because his beloved GS was finally retired, GS is old and now gets to spend the rest of his days in nice pastures where Andrew feeds him lots of treats 💕 every like is one sugar cube gods bless
#there’s so much hereeeeeeeee#I didn’t mean to get myself like I did#giving Abram a skinny scared little (big) probably dangerous evermore native to take care of#bring her back to her fulll potential#or even realize that potential for the first time#let her be taken care. of 😭#I need a hug man#and I wanna hug Maserati#and gs while we’re here#oh I decided gs has a blood bay coat#he’s majestic#just a little smaller than Maserati#no thoughts of Andrew’s canon car color#only maaggie’s red crayon phone doodle#💕🙏#fan art#my art#fan fic#my writing#royal au#aftg#all for the game#neil josten#andrew minyard#andreil#asks#maserati
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It was Maid Day today yesterday a week ago so I got struck by inspiration to draw the worsties, and it ran away from me into a whole AU where they’re coworkers at a maid cafe. She’s a med student & this is just a part time job, and this is his depression job while he gets his life back together. He needs something he can be workaholic about to forget what it’s like having a personal life and personal issues. He’s actually the accountant, but the new hire janitor (Izutsumi) doesn’t show up for half her shifts and is a sloppy worker, so he gets the extra work of doing her job on top of his because he’s undervalued and overworked. Of course, janitors also have an uniform to keep the aesthetic cohesion as they go about cleaning the place, of course.
Senshi’s the part time cook you only see slivers off, he’s kind and warm when you do see him and have a chat but most shifts he’s in and out the kitchen without a trace. Laios and Falin are regulars because Falin and Marcille are besties & in the same med school, Laios accompanies Falin as she visits her friend at work and gets hooked on the food. Chilchuck has to remind Marcille to work instead of chatting with Falin for an hour, and next thing he knows she’s distracting him from work too. That’s it that’s the AU. Inspired by this idol AU fanart a bit <3
This was not meant to be birthday gift but well…… Happy bday Chil!!!
Read from left to right
#Dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#Chilchuck tims#marcille donato#spoilers#dunmeshi au#Maid cafe au#Marchil#Workwife marchil save me. Kabuholm in the background bc i said so lmao#i think people forget marci n chil are coworker worsties first and foremost. Ppl should capitalize on it more#The orange hair swag that makes him look like a marketable idol more#You can tell idk how to draw maid outfits. I hate those hats sm I will miku miku beam them out of existence#Marcille does change her hairstyle everyday btw#they don’t get back together btw she goes you haven’t talked to me in 4 years and he immediately goes YOU haven’t talked to ME in 4–#i mean ehem i’m sorry haha… while Marcille is like 4 years?! 4 years…#Mei only did it bc Fler has been getting jittery again kept sighing#I wanted to draw Chil with a car key at his belt but it wasn’t meant to be#idk if marchil ever gets together in this one it’s an eternal summer coworker with tension situationship au#romance is when you slowly deteriorate his work ethics so he starts skipping on his worktime to spend it at the front messing around w you#once he’s blessedly in the office and he hears this huge crash and the Marci just goes ‘…… Chiiiiiil?’ cue sigh and having to repair#the coffee machine. So many lil comics i couldn’t indulge myself to draw save me#shoutout to the time as a cashier in training at a convenience store I was left by my coworker who was supposed to wash the greasy chicken#oven but didn’t so I had to clean it for the first time myself while I was alone in the store and was also supposed to man the front#Shoutout to my convenience store’s accountant helping us with cashier duties often when there was less job to do ty ty#Understaffed struggles are so real#People also call Chil a manager because the boss is most often away so he just does everything#There’s no union but maybe one day he’ll get to overthrow the boss idk#The pay IS good at least#Modern au
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It must be nice not having to bottle everything up.
#maybe I am tired of being nice#maybe I do want to go ape shit#not really a vent#but early this year I discovered that apparently I can’t express anger or process it??#like a while back I thought I was having a panic attack but apparently I was shaking in anger#and i didn’t know until it was pointed out#I mean don’t get me wrong I get angry but I just push it down#like there’s A LOT of stuff (new and old) that irritates me but I just keep it to myself#I mean I could vent post about stuff but… 🤷♀️#i just don’t want to#which now that I think about it vent art could help#like I kinda did it before and hell my regular art is an expressive outlet for me anyways#idk I’m just rambling#💬 chy chatter 💬
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We all know Timmy is Wanda’s mama’s boy but we need to keep in mind he’s still Cosmo’s kid too and that Cosmo would love him just as vehemently as Wanda
#fairly oddparents#not that anyone has portrayed him different#certainly not distance he loves Timmy he probably says it the most in the show and in fanon#but still- watching New Wish there felt like there was a disconnect with Cosmos character-like he wasn’t as well defined as he was in OG#that’s in part due to them toning him down from being an idiot plain and simple but I feel like it wasn’t fitted with something else it was#simply taken away#just to say he didn’t have as much of a presence to me in New Wish as Wanda did and I crave spinning Cosmo around in my brain#I want to see Poof being his Dad’s Boy yknow and I want to see cosmo doting and I want to see when he gets like. parental rage for the sake#of his kids#yknow? Yknow? part of him feeling detached in a new wish has translated into him not wanting to get as close to Hazel as he did Timmy-#to try and play it more like godparents are supposed to- just a presence for a couple months#but also because like. he got SO attached to Timmy and he’ll never regret it and he’d never do anything different#but idk. if it were me I wouldn’t have the capacity to go through losing my godkid again after becoming that attached#that’s not even mentioning that they don’t HAVE to be in hazel’s life the same way they were in Timmy’s because Timmy was going through#neglect and Hazel has loving family and friends all around her at all times- her blocks are mental#in that way cosmo and Wanda just have to do the Typical Godparent Job of aiding her- not becoming people she desperately needs in life#which also bleeds into why I think Peri was having such a. difficult time#godparents aren’t supposed to be attached the way his family was to Timmy and that how he learned it#but his first godkid is Not Easy and lends immediately to the issues Timmy was having where he HAS parents he HAS things (though . Timmy#was not rich and would sometimes not be fed… dev’s dad also forgets to feed him but dev is still able to eat you know)#and how he grew up with his parents as godparents and how he’s been taught are conflicting and it’s nature vs doing a good job quoteunquote#I didn’t mean to ramble so damn much in the tags I’m really sorry#told myself if I had more to say I’d write it down and post it later but I must be heard.
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Before the leaks tonight, my main notes in the department of “Izuocha not gonna be canon next chapter” is that tsu and Izuku were repeatedly chosen and placed to be in the same, worrying attitude for Ochako’s distance/absence.
Tsu was such a good subtle detail for this chapter as well. That gay ass signaling on Izuocha was so good. Like “this is platonic! Her and Izuku worry over Ochako equally!” And damn Horikoshi you really highlighted, underlined, and bolded in big bright letters Lavender Marriage for these two lmao
My other main detail is the way that Ochako’s/Izuku’s feelings are presented.
Specifically with this last little caption (that isn’t there in the officials for some reason???) on the very last page—
Pika’s translation btw
Maybe y’all don’t get it bc you need it put into perspective: the very idea that there would be a “no ships ending” is… absolutely insane. The fact that it’s the main opinion as well is even crazier.
And to put it into perspective even more, the reason it’s a common belief has to come from the idea that Ochako’s feelings are simply unrequited. A “no ships ending” wouldn’t make sense without it. Do the people saying that realize that it’s what they’re saying? “No time” isn’t a good justification, he had the time, he just used it on… other characters instead. If you believe this, you’re making the argument that Ochako’s story is about unrequited love
This line “The girl’s hidden feeings, and as for deku—..”
I fully understand what the feelings are talking about (Himiko’s death, the respective villains even if they aren’t equatable, etc), but it’s the implications of the way it’s written. It’s presenting it as Ochako’s feelings… for Izuku. It then asks the question, “..DOES Izuku feel the same way?” Because I mean, does he?
Now, I don’t think we’re getting any sort of confession. I could say in detail as to why, but that would be more like repeating the same 5 posts on my feed all week.
Because ultimately, it won’t happen. It’s another bait and switch, like it always is. And Horikoshi knows this.
So that’s why it’s so amazing that this line is here, it’s teasing, almost. Like “Look! The straight relationship is on the horizon! Just follow the cookie! It’s totally where you think it leads..”, and then signaling the warning bells in your head that not everything is as it seems.
Why make Ochako break down crying? Why not confirm Himiko’s death? Why make all of this romantic heartache? Why make straight shippers hold their breath, and then lead them into this supposed security?
Why ask a question on feelings, if it’s supposed to be a given?
#I promised myself I would post any sort of brief evidence on this before the leaks came out#but not when I’d actually written this#bc I’m ngl I wrote this like. almost a week ago. a day or two after the leaks came out.#I just felt like waiting since a lot of certain people decided to get weird and misogynistic all of a sudden. so here’s your slop.#this is a re-written brief version where I don’t go on three tangents on Izuku and Ochako’s characters#bkdk#togachako#I mean it when I said I waited to post this. luckily for me I didn’t see anyone else particularly point out these details before I did but-#GOD I haven’t been so angry at every part of this fandom in a while#trad wife misogyny to getting in the way of my gay ship misogyny I was so tired#and I better not see an even bigger spike in the 10% chance that Izuocha is canon. you can be sad without dismissing ochako#or I stg I’m becoming an Izuocha shipper full time people cannot be acting like this in the year of 2024#my Izuocha shipper threat is 1000% real and it’s only in the case that bitches don’t behave
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i just had a dream that nick and roger were playing around during rehearsal with gongs and then when rick tried to start playing around with them, nick just did this fluoride stare and roger just side eyed the hell out of rick
#im so heartbroken#this is how i imagine their dynamics#and it’s why i get sad learning that they all gradually grew apart ):#like guys you need to be best buds for the sake of ME being happy#your lore is already bad enough so why can’t you guys be besties#like what if they really didn’t like rick#what if this actually happened where roger and nick only saw themselves as a duo#like what if they were like mean high school exclusive cliques#to be honest this dream reminded me of myself and how i tried to fit in with a lot of different groups in school to no avail#rick is me and i am he#david wasn’t in this dream but i did dream about him yesterday#it was just him as he is now walking in this jet terminal ?#and for some reason he was being ushered by these people in safety vests#while his wife polly was talking to me and my best friend about him#i don’t know what she was saying but i remember thinking wow this lady really fucks with her bae#pink floyd#richard wright#david gilmour#roger waters#nick mason#syd barrett#also after all of that the dream turned into my bedroom and for some reason i had TONS of BEAUTIFUL pink floyd posters that looked amazing#the colors were so vibrant#the posters were dsotm-esque#but still amazing#im a yapper what can i say
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I hate “love at first sight” or like instant infatuation in most cases but I think it’s a trope that CAN be done super well it just rarely is. there’s nothing exciting or interesting about two hot people who see each other & instantly fall in love all by itself nonsensically like idk I just don’t believe in that & find it dull. but there’s a way to do it where it’s like “YEAH that makes perfect sense” like two people who suffered something brief but absolutely insane together & can never let go of the thought of one another or someone who saw someone else do something crazy or really fucking cool or stupid & can’t let it go or someone totally isolated who’s decided to make the first person they’ve interacted with or who helped free them into this total savior who walks on water like it CAN be such a neat trope you just gotta sell it right.
#romance#I like to think I did it well with azula & katara in scream au#I mean they had seen each other before they went to the same school they just didn’t think about each other before That Night#it’s probably the only time I’ll write that instant infatuation for them#instant obsession sure but the romance should typically be slowburn for Azutara imo#anyway what this is actually about is my original WIP#I think Alice’s instant obsession with Nick makes perfect sense#given she’s a hopeless romantic & he’s a hot guy & the first person who’s not her sibling that she’s interacts with in 30 years#& he’s a journalist who’s parents just died of course he’s instantly obsessed with the beautiful ghost girl who proves#theres life beyond death & also introduces him to an intricate mystery that gets his investigative blood flowing#stairway#I need to post about this project even if only like 2 of you are reading it#it keeps me myself invested ok#this blog is really just a diary
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The strategy with which I planned this day off fills me with joy.
#I don’t mean what I’m going to do today. I have no idea lol#but I mean at SCHOOL#I didn’t tell a single student#and I booked the retired English teacher as a sub because she used to teach these classes and knows the material#and she will have the energy and the presence to carry them through stuff I want them to know but am too tired to teach#lol#like I really pushed myself all week with my high schoolers especially#and now she gets to step in and tag team#it is NOT a do nothing day#also she’s old school strict and they love to complain about that but the joy I felt in my heart#every time they were annoying this week. to think of the ace up my sleeve#and then!!!!! I did it on a Friday!!! so guess WHAT. by Monday most of them will have forgotten#and I won’t have to hear about it#I love to scheme in this way lol#a true joy of being a teacher#I know this is ridiculous blathering but I love to see it
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sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#cw vent post#ah yes. another restless nights sleep in a cold room bc i was too upset and sick to eat enough yesterday and my nightmares won’t let up and#my heater isn’t enough to warm the room when it’s this fucking cold outside. but it’s fine bc i don’t think i deserve to be warmer anyway#i should get water but i’ve been stuck laying here for an hour wondering if im racist and feeling like i should just. leave. or smthn. idk#i need a caregiver so there’s someone here to stop me from doomscrolling tumblr and reddit discourse for two hours before bed. lol#but ig no matter how careful i try to be there’ll always be part of me thats. unconsciously? racist? bc im white so its just part of me#idk im not educated enough to talk about it so i guess the real lesson to learn here is to keep my fucking mouth shut. which i can do!#i don’t. know how to apologize correctly. bc no one wants to hear me piss and moan abt my white guilt. if that’s what it even is#im too stupid to understand what to do or say and the more i type the worse it sounds so im just. sorry. i apologize for anything i’ve said#or done. that wasn’t right or was insensitive or thoughtless or uneducated or. whatever else it is i rlly don’t know#i didn’t mean to use AAVE. i really didn’t know. so i’ll go edit the tag where i used it but. that’s only one example. how many more am i#unaware of? how often do i put my foot in my mouth and not know it? im sorry. i’ll try to do better#but there’s so much to be mindful of that i can’t keep track of it all and it’s overwhelming me so i think i should just. be quiet.#‘always a fanfic writer at the scene of the crime’ i. didn’t know there was a connection between racism and fanfic. now im worried#was that just an easy jab to make bc it’s cringe or is it actually problematic. why does it seem like theres smthn wrong w everything i do#anyways. i have to stop thinking abt it or im gonna anxiety vomit. i could go lay on the couch#it in the only warm room of the house but it’s covered in dog hair and i hate the smell from the stupid fucking propane heater#it gives me a headache and makes me paranoid. why did he install gas heat when he could’ve gone with a heat pump. all he did was make#everything harder on everybody. so now we have dangerous gas heat in the winter and shitty mold-filled window ac units in the summer#when he could’ve installed a heat pump/ac unit combo thingy and we would’ve been good to go. why is he like this.#YOURE A GODDAMN ELECTRICIAN. HAVE BEEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. SO ACT LIKE IT.#im staying in bed. the rest of the house reeks of burnt plastic bc SOMEONE decided to take FOUR sedatives and drink a couple beers before#trying to use the stove to cook dinner :))) so now i have to figure out how to clean that up. i take back everything i said about winter#being my favorite season. this shit fucking sucks. there’s so much more to stress over and it’s all so much more expensive and exhausting#i never want another dog or cat ever again after these two pass. im not the person i once was and i cannot care for them like i used to.#i can’t even care for myself. couldn’t if i Wanted to right now bc everything is frozen solid. can’t shower. can’t do any laundry.#just get to sit here filthy cold and miserable in the one clean-ish sweater i have left for ? days until temps get back above freezing#anyways thats enough bitching abt my first world problems. time to shut up and be grateful for what i Do have bc it could be a Lot worse
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days without crying over them counter: 0
#rambles#delete later#like I actually am so fucking mad im SO MAD still#i need to move on but it’s like im stuck in that week#i don’t even think I have the words. i just feel so fucking betrayed. i feel insane#i hope they think of me and feel guilty. i hope they need advice and wonder what I would say#i hope they get HIT BY A CAR!!!!!!#i feel vaguely like I was preyed on. they admitted to trying to seduce me on purpose so I’d have sex with them#as an at-the-time-asexual virgin. and I was sooo flattered lol but now I’m just like. okay. what the fuck#they made me feel sooo loved and flattered and desired right up until they didn’t#and what was with the weird mixed signals. that was the reason I couldn’t move on from my crush#‘I don’t want anything right now’#okay then stop kissing my hand and cuddling me and calling me over to ask me unnecessary questions while you’re in the shower#stop mentioning how attractive I am and stop flirting with me#I’m killing myself what did I even mean to you was I just entertainment#like what did I even fucking mean I’m going insane#all I want to know is what I fucking was. yeah sure I was your ‘best friend’ who you had no issues with cutting off for no reason#i was your ‘best friend’ who you never texted first#what the hell WAS i#you came to me for advice and support and comfort so was I a therapist#that one night when I was crying and begging you not to leave me alone for the night#you promised me we’d call the next day#you hung up and we never called the next day. even though I asked twice#i bent over backward for you constantly and you couldn’t even be bothered to check in when I was having a fucking crisis like okay lmao#I’m gonna throw up I need to stop thinking and go to bed#and yet I still miss them so fucking much. so so so so much. i miss the affection. i miss being held. i miss their voice and smile#I’d let them mistreat me if it meant I got some kind of attention from them and that really makes me hate myself lol#maybe I’m just another creepy obsessed guy now#i FEEL obsessed. i feel insane. i feel disrespected and maltreated and also very very lonely#my face feels crusty from crying maybe it is bedtime
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the holiday party i had to go to ended up being fine lol i was basically just talking to the other ppl i externed w and some previous interns so it was not actually uncomfortable when i went at all even tho i did almost pass out at one point idk what that was abt. my body is allergic to going out i think i have some sort of medical issue every time i go outside. anyway. i should not have whined and complained so much it was literally fine 😭
#michelle speaks#i was sooooo close to not going like sitting on my floor giving myself a pep talk level 😭 it was so bad a real low point for me 😭#but like i just had it in my head for some reason that i would be alone bc the other ppl i externed w would not want to talk to me or smth#but like literally we just talked to each other the whole time 😭 and when i got there 40 mins late they were like oh we were wondering#where u were & one of them was like i was going to text u & realized i didn’t have ur number etc. so i went insane for no reason.#i mean there IS a reason but i’m not going to get into my tragic backstory. it’s actually not tragic i’m js there is a reason why i had#that mindset from a previous experience but like yeah i was all worried abt it for no reason 👍#which like typically i don’t do the everyone hates me wah wah bit since i started taking antidepressants & it wasn’t really that it is#different but quite literally i don’t feel like explaining i am soooooo tired 😭 not from going to that party i was only there for a few hrs#& i got back a while ago idk what it is. maybe i was so stressed abt it & now i’m not anymore so i’m tired……:#no idea why i almost passed out tho i was just standing there and i was like whoa. and i sat down & i was fine but like idk 😭#i literally only had one drink and like a fourth of another drink bc i did not like that one so i got the other one#and i have drank many times w my medications & stuff and have always been fine that has never happened before#and i have drank a lot more & been fine so like?? at this point i am just like yeah ok whatever. u do u i guess.
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heol
#⠀ᶻᶻ���turn it up!⠀#unrelated its ltr not even what i linked but chasing time - azealia.. Dontttt omg ts is so facking good who made that beat!!!!!!!!!!#ANW. if breakaway is minhui then this is yijun. mayb the single ver more than true romance ver actually.. it js sounds more raw#i rly wanna talk abt why he hates jaehee#bc i’ve yapped abt minhui and talked abt DY/JY sort-of parallels in replies somewhere i found it the other day#and ik the ‘he doesn’t fit’ is what's been written (in pieces + that yt rundown i think) but likee it goes deeper than that#im gnna struggle to put it into words properly but im talking to myself so i can not make sense as much as i want thanks#ok. so he goes on and on abt how jaehee ruined BS bec he ‘didn’t fit’ into the four that they were without him but. he’s lowk projecting#he joined JG in 2016 - jiyeol mai hyeonmin and KOHEN were all there before him. jy’s in ‘08 mi + kh in 2010 + hm 2011#they chucked their whole childhoods away for jg - and in reward they were meant to be jg’s first boygroup#they ltr would’ve debuted in 2013 if it wasn’t for hyojoo being like hey! this is kinda weird lol! a 17 yo two 15 yos + a 13 yo is weird!#yj was late as HELLLL 2the party. he wouldve been left as a trainee while JY MI KH HM debuted as 9ANTHER if it wasnt 4 The Kohen Mai Thing#aka they started messing around in like 2014 while jy pretended he wasnt abt to crash out and hm had to listen to jy trying not2 crash out#then it got real bad like august 2016 and all of a sudden they HATEDD eo they couldnt even b in the same room#(aka. kh wanted him mi wanted jy and said Lollll i hate u die)#all in all: kh kicked off debut team. spot opens up for yijun right as he enters the company. he’s not cut out for ts at all#he was lonely back home and now he’s lonely here and now apparently he’s in a debut team with 3 guys who know eo and he wants to die#hyeonmin like smiles at him like ONCE during practice and he latches on fastttt this leech 😭😭😭 tries to worm his way in via hm#spoiler! it only half works theres sand under his skin he hates it all he’s not meant for them he needs a gun#it gets better over the years and jy + mi sorting their shit out & cutting off kh completely makes yj feel wayy more secure#and then they debut even if it is after yoonhae’s literal death. and then jaehee comes in like Hiii i like to act and colour ^_^#HE WNATS TO DIEE ITS HIM ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!! cant even bear to look at him#like the walls are UP he’s not letting himself become kohen. and when jh tries to get close to min - ltr exactly like he did.......#ITS NEVER BEEN MORE BONSOVERRRR#so there. he’s mean and hates him and wants him dead for that. Yayyyy#kh has def said some nasttyyyyy shit to yj too ijbol like mind you he didnt leave jg until jy did! THIS YEAR!#the song. is abt himself. him to him in the mirror. to kohen. to jaehee. he’s mad at shit that’s never happened and he’s never gonna stop#the ‘why did you fall for me’ though.. that’s him to min like#he feels like he’s conned him into it - bec the first couple months he only rly was around him to try and get into the inner circle#and then he fell in Lol. Gay
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kinda crazy but…
im gay for you
:o no way i’m also gay for u <3
#also i’m fucking exhausted it was a long ass day of robot#i broke down crying for no reason in the middle of my last tech interview for drama#because i was so fucking stressed abt hosting the robotics comp this weekend and waiting on college decisions#and also two of my friends were like in the hospital at the time#one bc they hadn’t eaten in like a week because of an ed and we’re doing really badly#and the other because they had to get stitches bc of sh#but i couldn’t really explain alllll of that to my drama teacher#anyway#i did hear back from one of the schools tho!!!!! and i got in!!!!!!#but they didn’t give me as much money as i would have needed to commit there#so like i probably won’t end up going even tho i really loved the school and it’s kinda my top choice#and also the accepted students days all conflict and i ended up signing up for one that would mean id miss the end of district champs#for robotics if we qualify#which my hopes are vaguely high this year#but now i’m gonna have to miss part of it if we do ://///#and the other more competitive one i’m waiting on hearing from some time this weekend i’ve been checking the portal like every twenty minute#it’s really bad#anyway i’m gonna go take a shower and then go to sleep before i drive myself to another breakdown#idk why the tags of this ask was my place to say all of this but it sure was
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I’m saying something quite obvious already but omg it’s so good to use characters as role models when facing difficulties
#I just managed to have a difficult conversation with a friend/colleague and didn’t back down or leave out part of what I wanted to say#and found motivation in telling myself “Jean wouldn’t back down”#I was like “Deal with the issue like Jean would deal with the Fatui” and then I did that#Downside from this: I also only go home very late so that I can get more work done because “Jean wouldn’t just go home and rest >:(”#On another note#I’m going to need a lot lot of “Jean would do it” this weekend#Because I’m going to participate in a short animation project#And by participate I mean be one of the two directors so… yeah#But sure#how could this go wrong?#It’s not like I have debilitating social anxiety or anything haha lol aaaaaah#(I’m complaining but I’m actually very happy and grateful that I was selected to do this. Just a bit anxious...)#(Also the project is about horse riding so I’m VERY excited about it!!)#Fandom Life#untaggged
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me realizing that the slang term i’ve used to say ‘get scammed’ a) isn’t spelled that way & b) is actually a slur
#stream#waterboarding myself#girl i-#if i wasn’t getting extremely fucking high immediately after this realization i would’ve felt worse but now i feel nothing period#like i’m D:#but i’m literally 👁️_👁️#i’ve used it so often i thought it was spelt w a FUCKING J SINCE I WAS LIKE 5#why did i think abt this bc ok ive started analyzing the slang i use bc i’ll use an adjective & im like i would’ve never fucking said that#in america#like plump & for what was this other 1 hold on#SHODDY ?#i mean i think i would’ve used that in the us but idk why google had ‘is shoddy british slang’ like no ?#soddy probably#oh then i was like ok wait why do u spell it Like That#Wait … WAIT ? OH MY GOD ? <- THE HORROR OF ME REALIZING I WASNT SPELLING IT CORRECTLY#& THEN HOW ITS ACTUALLY SPELT -> D:#-> then the wanderer wikipedia page like i was on a rabbit hole bc wander is like a sovereign like it’s a nationality i guess girl i dont#remember specifics i’m baked as fuck we’re broad stroking it#but then it ties to the romani people & then i went … oh the slur … OH THE STEROTYPES …. OH MY GOD MY SLANG ???????#i’m still like •_•#girl …#u were such an asshole accidentally for 25 years#remembering the time specifically in junior year ap us history & we had to make this stupid ww2 music video girl i don’t even know why idk#if it was even supposed to be abt ww2 but we were ww2 & we were told by our teacher we couldn’t shorten japanese that way bc that is a slur#& we were all like •_• •_• •_• •_• oh#bc it was the 4 of us in the group#& then i remember when kp found out this slur for chinese people is a slur bc apparently there’s a specific adjective they use to describe#people u Cannot Say Here Idk Abt India But Definitely Not Here & also he then found out what ‘slur’ means bc he didn’t know that word either#ALSKKSKLKSLKALLSLLAKSLALDKAKSSK oh my god that trip was a mess#i fucking hate scotland
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I think I finally understand what’s at the root of all my weird little problems and why I have such a hard time connecting with my body.
I do so much work to read and be smart as a defensive mechanism because I’m a really kind caring person and that makes me a little naive and I look a lot younger than I am so I feel like people think I’m easy to manipulate.
But then there’s a part of me that feels like it’s not safe to be smart, and that sounds so weird and counterintuitive but I realized it’s because I’m terrified of being seen.
Like if I’m smart I’m going to have to act on it and challenge people and that’ll bring attention on me that I don’t want to deal with so I’ll continue to be the kind naive nice girl even if people are mistreating me because it’s not safe to be seen it’s not safe to be smart.
Like my body will not use basic protection methods like setting boundaries, saying no or standing up for myself because that requires me to get over that fear of being seen. Like my body fears being seen more than it fears being mistreated and that’s kind of terrifying.
#it’s why my nervous system is so dysregulated because all the methods of healing and getting better require being seen#and having vulnerable conversations that feel scary and overwhelming to my nervous system#that’s learned that to be safe I have to hide and not take up a lot of space#and I know I learned that directly in my abusive house and elementary school where if I did like one thing wrong I’d have a teacher#screaming in my face even though I was a literal child going through abuse at home#so I was never taught emotional regulation or how to interact with people in a healthy way#I’ve also had a lot of friends who didn’t like when I was smarter or better at something than them and they would get insecure#and immediately try to put me down to make themselves feel better so that reinforced that it wasn’t safe to stand out and be smart#partially because I didn’t want to hurt other people’s feelings and partially because I learned it made me vulnerable to criticism#I didn’t understand why I always end up being friends with people who are kind of manipulative/ people who don’t genuinely like me and see#me as this punching bag to take out their insecurities and unhealed trauma#but I think these people feel safe in a way because I know they’ll never see me and I won’t have to be super vulnerable#I also don’t really trust myself and I’m so scared of being mean or hurting other people because my teachers called me mean and entitled and#disrespectful all the time bc I didn’t know how to communicate that I felt mistreated and scared in their classrooms#and any attempts I tried to do it in a healthy way ended with me getting punished anyway#I remember I tried to write a letter to my parents because I didn’t want to be in my 2nd grad teacher’s class anymore bc she was really mean#to me and I was so hypervigilent of getting in trouble and I left the letter in a folder in my desk#and my teacher went through my desk and I got sent to the principal’s office over it even though I didn’t remember saying anything mean or#disrespectful in it I was literally just trying to advocate for myself and I got punished for that too#personal
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