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serahsanguine · 6 years

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What’s Left Unsaid, Says It All Pt.5

What's Left Unsaid, Says it all part 5/?

Rating; NC-17, NSFW

This Story can be found at Ao3

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4

Tagging; @peacenik0 @today-in-fic

p.s. if you would like updates and be tagged please let me know :)

p.p.s word to the wise this is a really, really long chapter all together this chapter came to 11292 words altogether. which is the longest thing I have ever written.

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Chapter 5; Journal.

Notes; This chapter will be journal style (dear diary) layout, but within the moment flashbacks, so we get both sides of the story as well as thoughts and feelings.

Dear Dairy

A week has passed since I got back from the hospital, things have been going well. Missy has been here the whole time, she made my spare bedroom into her own for now and for the foreseeable future. She has got her crystals, her rugs, and plenty of clothes. I think at this point she has more clothes than I do. She’s worried about me, but she needn’t be... I’m fine. I have rested well, she has taken good care of me. When Melissa first proposed the idea of sharing my apartment with her, I thought she was mad, yes we were close as sisters but we hadn't lived together since we were kids, a time when we would fight all time; be under each other feet as they say. I have actually come to enjoy her presence, she makes me feel less lonely. For which I am thankful for, especially with me starting to pull away from Mulder much to both his and Missy dismay. Melissa thinks I should tell him about the twins, but I just simply can’t for my own personal reasons, of which she knows, and also doesn't agree with. I hope Mulder thinks I’m pulling away because I got hurt on a case, well two cases as of this date, he also probably thinks I blame him for my misfortune, how wrong he is about that. I love him so much, for the two little lives that now growing inside me. Not just because of that though but because he courageous, loving, compassionate, humble, and so many more wonderful things. Yes, he can be stubborn and arrogant but that is just who it is it's a part of him nothing more, nothing less and I love him all the same. I can be myself around him, no fear of judgment, or reprieve. He sees me for who I am and not for who I pretend to be. But with all of that said, I have known that what I am doing to him, is going to hurt more than anything he has felt before, including the loss of his little sister. That kind of grief and not knowing, the pain and remorse, that is the kind of pain that’s going to tear him apart. I wish when the time comes he knows how sorry I am and how much pain this is also going to cause me, too. I know he probably won’t ever forgive me but it has to be done.

Yours faithfully Dana.

Dear diary.

It’s now the end of August and I’m 22 weeks along, a lot has happened in the past three weeks since I last wrote in you. I don’t know where to start, well logically the beginning would help, wouldn’t it?

Week One:

I started back at work, it was a relief and worrisome at the same time, Monday started out of really good, I arrived at work full of joy at finally getting out of that small apartment and back to normality or something close, at least. I walked into the X-Files basement office, somewhat nervously but Mulder looked pleased to see me, and in all honesty... I was starting to miss him, I know I shouldn’t, I know it's wrong. I need to distance myself from him or that is what my rational mind kept telling me at the time. But in that moment my heart won, I enjoyed it and reveled in it for that tiny fleeting second and I was happy with him, to be near him, together... with him. Anyway, I sat down at the desk, we talked about my time off, we laughed at how evidently there were pencils in his ceiling because he was bored. It very quickly became time to get down to the nitty-gritty aspect of our new case, and oh the joy... I’m barely back five minutes and we have another case. I made Mulder laugh with that comment.

I had missed his smile, the way his eyes would light up and instead of a frown line small smile lines would appear on his face, my feelings have become more of a need and showing themselves at the worst possible times, during the day, that I could have those types of feelings. He told me about the case, and how it started out years ago when he worked for the Violent Crimes Section (VCS), Mulder carried on with his story but the main point, I gathered, was that he was young and green, that he had hesitated a minute too long to take the perp out because there were hostages and for this sad mistake on his part the perp, John Barnett was his name, shot two agents because he got trigger happy one day and killed seven people. Mulder told me at the time he didn't need my assistance as he and I both knew I needed to take it easier as suggested by my friend and Doctor, Rachel Richards. And at the time I wanted to protect him and be his partner, that was my job after all, but evidently, he was right. What he neglected to tell me at the time which I found out later is that his old boss said he was coming after him, and that's the real reason he didn't want me there. To protect me.

I spent the rest of the week, mulling over what I had missed when I was at home, taking it easy and relaxing, which wasn’t a lot. I wasn’t really surprised, because he did come and visit me loads when I was at home. The rest of the week passed by uneventfully... Missy cooked, I told her it wasn’t necessary but she kept insisting that just eating junk food every day was not healthy for anyone and I didn't want to hurt the twins.

On Thursday, Mom came to visit... checking up on me (and probably making sure Missy and I hadn't killed each other yet), we sat her down together and told her I had spent time in hospital recently but not the reason behind it or any of the gory details behind the case and left it at that. Missy as per usual made the snide comment that I should tell her and if looks could kill I would most definitely be dead five times over. Mom stayed and cooked us a meal, caught me up on what's been going on at our local Church. Missy wasn’t really interested in Church ever since she became a Wiccan, I didn't really care about her beliefs but I listened anyway. It turned out there was a man that my Mother was trying to set me up with but I very politely declined, telling her I wasn't interested in a relationship right now, that my work was very important to me at this time in my life. It was only a half lie.

By the time I had finally started to feel comfortable in my apartment, doing absolutely nothing but taking care of myself and the twins, it was suddenly Friday. Mulder had just got back from the case and it was getting late, we were both sitting in that little basement office we both had come to feel more at home in, he filled me in on the details of what had transpired and how a female agent, got shot and how John Barnett grabbed another hostage bating Mulder into making another terrible mistake. Barnett had a gun to her head and he watched on as she pleaded for her life, and that's when Mulder told me that he pulled the trigger and explained how Barnett eyes glazed over and he fell slowly to the floor, they rushed him to hospital and all I kept thinking was what if I was that female agent? Would I have survived such an attack? Mulder finished his story and I asked what was going to happen now, he told me about the hospital flying in a surgical specialist to save his life, but he flatlined on the table. He was kind enough to take me home that night and boy, thinking back now that was the wrong move. I knew Missy was at our parent's housekeeping Mom company because she no longer had Dad around. I invited him in and he moved to the couch, again I don’t know what I was thinking, it seems so ludicrous now when I think back on it, iI was meant to be pulling away not inviting him into my apartment... just the two of us, alone. At first we were just talking and thinking about work, throwing ideas and theories about Bigfoot and then he kissed me out of the blue his warm, soft pouty lips touched mine and it felt incredible (I didn't realize how badly I wanted them on me all of the time), so succulent and so luscious and tasting of strawberries and damn I just couldn't help myself, my mind screaming inside my skull to stop... to end it now, before it went too far. I kissed him back our tongues slipped and slid against each exploring each other's mouths, the feeling was unbelievably sensual and it sent desire between my legs. I got caught up in the moment, I suppose. And then he started running his hand down my arm, working the buttons on my shirt but that was when it hit me my brain finally caught up with what was happening and I pulled away so abruptly, how could I let this happen? We shouldn't be doing this! We really shouldn't be doing this! Kept running through my mind over and over again. This had to stop, I had to make it stop right now, before he found out that I was keeping him from his children. I told him, very loudly to get out, go get out and he did, slamming the door behind him. I collapsed onto the couch, in tears, caressing my growing belly and apologizing to the twins.

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Flashback

Mulder was walking to his car after just being thrown out of Scully’s apartment, they weren't really a couple yet but somehow had stumbled into their very first fight (and he didn't know how), the rain falling on his face rivulets dripping from the tip of his nose into the water puddles as he stepped off the concrete curb and onto the gravel road.

His mind revelling in what had just happened between them, as he got into the car watching as the rain hit the windscreen pitter patter against metal and glass like steel drums in an Orchestra, as he stared out and thought to himself...

I kissed her! What the fuck was I thinking? Shit, Shit, Shit... what have I just done? I didn’t mean to, God I'm such an idiot, but Scully was so beautiful. These days she had an undeniable glow about her that I can’t quite put my finger on but the glow suits her so much, I couldn’t help but kiss her. I was caught up in the moment and I thought she wanted it too. I know she did, I could see it in her eyes, those eyes. Damn, she even kissed me back! Her beautiful lips so red and ready for the taking so full and soft her skin beautiful with her freckles poking through her light makeup like little star constellations in the night sky.

She ran her hand through my hair and let me trail my hand up her arm to the crook of her soft, lithe neck. I mean, fuck... she even deepened the kiss, causing me to start undoing the buttons of her shirt, but only because I had missed her so much. SO DAMN MUCH! Her love, compassion and strength.

She kept me where I belong,

I loved her so much, not that I would ever tell her that, she would probably run a mile in a heartbeat if she knew how I really felt about her, and us. And now I know my feelings aren't reciprocated because she pulled away from me and threw me out without a second thought, here I sit now as the fall falls outside the window i can feel the warm tears fall down my cold face. I am such a fucking fool, I pledged to myself to never fall in love with another co-worker again, not after Diana, but I guess history was meant to repeat itself because I find myself loving Scully with everything I have and am and damn it hurts, it hurts so damn much that I can barely keep from losing myself in the darkness. I need to get out of my head... I need a drink, a long hard stiff drink. I need to forget.

I need to stop loving her. I need, I need... fuck what do I need and who am I kidding? You can’t just stop and forget and not love someone like Dana Katherine Scully. She's unforgettable.

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I instantly rang Missy, I needed her and within thirty minutes she was here for me and the twins. I bet she broke every speed limit to get to me but I know she would do anything for me. She opened the door and ran to me, as she hugged me my knees gave way beneath me and we both crumbled to the floor, I cried for hours in her arms and she let me. It's all a bit of a blur now when I think about it, I remember telling Missy what I had done, through my breathless sobs. I told her that I tried not to love him, tried hating him with every fiber of my being but I just couldn’t do it. How could I possibly hate someone who gave me the most precious gift anybody could offer another person. She sat silently with me, saying nothing but held me as tight as she could without hurting me (and the babies) as I just sat there pressed to her warm chest and cried for hours. When I composed myself and got up, I expected her to shout or scream but she stayed silent, thoughtful even. She must have sensed how much he meant to me and how the next few months were going to affect me. Missy took me to bed, undressed me and she slid into the bed next to me and hugged me like we did when we were kids. She has always had such a soothing presence, and soul. My big sister. I make a note to tell her how much I love her in the morning.

The weekend passed like a blur, I don't really remember much apart from staying in my bedroom and crying more than I thought physically possible. I was a mess but Missy stayed with me through it all, guiding me back to life and keeping me from falling off the edge of a cliff and into a bottomless abyss. It looked so welcoming, I was almost mad at her endless ability to never give up. She has always been the more positive of the whole Scully clan, except maybe for Mom.

Monday:

The start of a new week arrived sooner than expected and I was apprehensive about the day ahead of me. Mulder hadn't called all weekend, I honestly didn't know how I was going to react to him or the way he would react to me, for that matter. To say I was incredibly nervous and ashamed was a gross understatement. When I walked into the office, things were different... there was a tension between the two of us, it was suffocating. Anyone who came down to deliver a file would be able to feel it as soon as the door swung open to let them enter. As the day passed he would talk to me like it was any other normal day in the office but his body language was off, like a man who was confused and conflicted, hurt and broken. Who could blame him for feeling such things? After the way, I treated him last week, when all he wanted was to show me that he cared. The hours ticked by unbelievably slowly only occasionally punctuated by small talk, and I could tell there was a strain on our relationship now, a strain I never wanted but didn't know how to avoid, he was pulling away from me... maybe it for the best, but boy did it hurt. It hurt more than I ever thought it would. It hurt deep down in my soul, and I hoped that the twins couldn't feel it in their warm, cosy home they were building inside my womb.

Tuesday:

Where do I begin? So much happened. I wasn't in the office that morning because I had a doctors appointment, at just over 22 weeks pregnant it was time for the often terrifying anomaly scan. I didn't want there to be anything wrong with my babies, not that I would love them any less if there was. I would always love them more than life itself, regardless. They were my whole world now, and I would do everything in my power to keep them safe.

Missy took me to the appointment; I think she was more excited than I was, I didn't think that was even possible but it was... I was just so nervous about seeing my babies again, seeing their tiny bodies and hearing their heartbeats, not in unison but as a one two count, like the pulse of a planet around its star. It was music to my ears, every single time I heard it. My heart beat furiously in my chest, sweat was forming on the palms of my hands. I think Missy could sense my nervousness and concern for their wellbeing. She looked at me and smiled, reassuringly. I would never be able to repay her for the calmness she brought to our lives during these hard times.

As Rachel called us unto the exam room, Missy grabbed my hand and interlocked our fingers, squeezing gently for reassurance with a small gentle smile on her lips and in that moment, I knew everything was going to be OK. Stepping into the room, I carefully laid on the hospital bed... it was cold and uncomfortable.

Missy sat beside me, while Rachel sat down in her rolling office chair; she already had my medical records on the computer screen and she grabbed some of the jelly, squirting it onto my bare stomach. It was slightly warmer this time but still cold and sticky. I think I would always hate the stuff because it got all over my clean clothes, and increases but let's not go there.

Minutes passed by as Dr Richards probed my abdomen with her wand, searching for the twins. She found my brave, sweet little boy first and made a comment about it still being a little boy which caused all three of us to laugh. It took another twenty minutes for her to do the anomaly scan and as far as she was concerned everything appeared to be A-OK. She found my strong, independent little girl next and again everything checked out just fine.

Rachel hit some kind of button combination on the keyboard in front of her and suddenly the empty room, filled with my little girl's heartbeat, with the perfect rate of a healthy growing baby, it bounced and echoed off of the four walls. Missy eyes went wide and I began to cry immediately. It was a mixture of delight and relief, I worry before every appointment that I won't hear those sounds, hearing it again makes me believe in miracles. It was so beautiful, the feeling of joy overwhelmed me. She moved the wand to the position she knew the little boy was and it looked like he was playing kick about with his slightly bigger sister and we got to hear his heartbeat too, in the quiet empty space between hers. I did worry very briefly about his smaller size, but logically as a Doctor, I knew one twin was almost always bigger than the other, receiving more of the nutrients.

Missy commented that it sounded like water sloshing in a bucket - maybe even alien like, she also said it sounded amazing and pretty cool. At the time the comment made me smile, and laugh but now I think about it just makes me want to cry. If Mulder was there in that room with me it would have been something he had said with a wicked grin and knowing that makes me want to cry for days, maybe even months. I’m starting to question why I am doing this and if I'm doing the right thing, but then one of them would kick or move around inside of me and all of the self-doubts would dissipate in that very instant. They brought me back from the brink more than I care to admit, made me want to be stronger for them and myself.

Wednesday:

It was full of pain and anger. Mulder had gotten called upstairs for a meeting with the FBI higher-ups, apparently, they didn't like how he dealt with the last case, but let's face it... what's new there? They're never happy with our work. It's so frustrating, sometimes. He became snappy towards me after that meeting, like he focused all of his anger, pain, and betrayal on me and only me. By the end of the day I was getting fed up with him, so I started giving as good as I got and after a solid thirty minutes of us bickering back and forth, a strange electric sticky atmosphere starting lingering in the office like a bad smell and then that's where I left it for the day. I was so fed up with Mulder, this mess and life in general. So I went home to soak my horrible day away in the bathtub. Just me, the twins and the smell of jasmine and vanilla candles. Complete silence. It was amazing.

Thursday:

Was unexpected, to say the least, let's just say I need to be more careful now, wait you don't even know what I am on about. Let me explain; I had gone out to lunch because I really needed to get away from Mulder, he was still acting like an ass so I left without so much as a goodbye but what I hadn’t noticed was my ultrasound photo had fallen out of my work bag and was laying on the floor, face up for all too see and ooohhh boy what happened next was… well, I don’t know how to put it. How do you deny the existence of something, when the proof of said something is grasped in your hand?

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Flashback

Mulder was sitting at his desk staring at his blue computer screen, he was meant to be typing up a field report or something along those lines, for a case. Scully had just left, the tension between them amplified by the events of the past couple of days; it was hot, electric, unforgettable and full of sexual tension, pheromones, and raging hormones. He couldn't quite put his finger on it but it was definitely there and it was confusing as hell, given everything that had transpired lately. He spun around on his chair like a kid not being able to focus on anything, trying to clear his head and thinking what he could pass the time doing before Scully got back from her lunch break. As he spun around again, he noticed something shiny catch the corner of his eye, he thought he imagined it so he spun one more time but it was still there. So he stopped spinning not feeling the slightest bit dizzy, he stared at that spot before curiosity got the better of him, stood up quickly and started to walk over to see what this thing was, as he moved closer to it he could tell it was a kind of Polaroid photo or looked about the right shape and size for one at least.

He bent down picking this photo up and staring at with such intensity (his eyes almost hurt), he realised it was an ultrasound photo but he hadn't seen one of them in a very long time, not since his mother and father had shown him of a blurry version of baby Samantha. Running his fingers over the gloss and then the edge of the photo, he realised it was not one but two photos that were folded perfectly flat together. He used his fingertip to pull along the crease unfolding the second, underneath the other, looking at the first photo it was misprinted, missing the name of the mother of who it belonged to. Did they fall out of a file? Mulder wondered and kept reading, the first thing he noticed was a string of numbers of what he assumed with the medical patient ID number, it read 'twin A GA=21w2d'. Mulder read some other information on the grainy images, not really understanding it but the date popped out at him - 21/08/1993 10:53 AM. He looked at the second photo as the information absorbed into his brain, again the first line was missing at the top of the photograph but it read 'twin B GA= 21w2d' the date was the exact same but the timestamp read 11:23 AM. So many thoughts were running through his head. Whose ultrasound photo was this? Is this Scully’s? Wait, she wasn’t here Tuesday morning! Is she pregnant? No, she can’t be she would of told me... wouldn’t she? It can't be possible, we used protection! It can't be ours can it? His mind in overdrive, thoughts piling up like X- File cases on his desk, he stood there just staring at the photos in his hands, losing all track of time, when suddenly Scully walked in.

Scully stood there, staring at the man in front of her with two photos in his hand and all she could think was shit! She stood there, in quiet fear, watching Mulder’s facial expressions changing as his thought process ran through the possibilities over and over again. She had to think quick, needed a way out.. a way to explain herself and the photos.

"Mulder" Scully's voice wavered, very briefly before she steeled herself against his questions and possible accusations.

"I’m sorry, Scully... it's really none of my business"

"It’s not mine" Scully quickly added with determination and authority hoping and praying against everything that Mulder would believe her bold face lies.

"I didn’t think it was, you... you would have told me. I know that" Mulder said, more a statement than anything, and walked over to her, placing the photos in her hands before sitting back down at his desk.

Scully walked over placed the photos in her work bag, sitting opposite him before speaking "It’s my friends, I haven’t seen her in a while and she wanted my medical opinion on the photos you that you just saw, she was checking everything was alright and that the doctors weren't lying to her. I'm sorry if you got scared, unnecessarily"

Mulder took a long pause looking at Scully directly in the eye "Oh, OK... and is it?"

"Yes, everything looks fine"

"So this friend of yours I take it she having twins? That's so huge and amazing!"

"Yes. it is, she's very happy. I'm very happy for her. I don't think she ever thought it was something she would get a chance to do"

"That's great. Do you know if they are identical or fraternal?"

"Identical"

"That's so nice! I'm happy for your friend too, Scully. I don’t quite know how she is going to manage but I imagine that she is strong and capable like you. I don't know if could find the time for kids, especially with work" Mulder said, honesty. It was raw emotion, he didn't usually let this side of him out very often but when he did he meant every word he said and she knew it. It was the final nail in the coffin of her decision to keep this information from him, she didn't need to be told a third time how unprepared or unwilling he was to allow kids into his chaotic life.

"It is nice, marvellous in fact. I’m sure she will be fine, she's strong then she looks. I truly believe that"

"She sounds nice. Is the father involved?"

"No" Scully snapped, not meaning to her emotions just got the better of her in that moment. Mulder gave her a questioning eyebrow and she looked down at her hands. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so rude about it, it's just very personal to her and not my place, you understand. She's nice... I think you would like her"

"Would I? Does she live in the DC area?"

"No, no actually she flies back home to San Francisco tomorrow. I wish you could of meet her"

"It’s quite alright. Maybe when she brings the little ones for a visit to see their aunt Scully, huh? Shall we get back to work?"

"Maybe. I don't know how likely that is. Yes, please" she looked at him again and started secretly having a conversation with him, but without him even knowing what was really said.

Mulder looked back at the computer screen, he could not stop thinking about those photos he held in his hand. What if they were Scully’s? What if they were his children? Do I even want children right now? He sat there, deep in thought, when the answer finally came; Yes! He would want kids with Scully. The idea of little uber Scully's running around was unbelievably amazing and he would give them everything he never had as a child. All the love in the world if he could, he thought long and hard about it, it was a nice idea but never gonna happen because Scully would never lie to him, right? He pushed all thoughts of family out of his mind.

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Friday Came and went and the weekend was much the same, nothing important happened. Which leaves me with this past week full of highs and mostly lows, I arrived at work Monday morning, dreading the time spent in that small office. Everything seemed to be going wrong for me that day, my stomach had ballooned overnight it felt like, I wasn't surprised but I was kind of in shock. My work shirt no longer fit properly (the lower buttons refusing to go into their connecting holes), my waistline has also widened considerably and I haven't bought any maternity wear yet. The tight material of my regular clothing wouldn't budge an inch to cover the bump that had started to develop.

I ended up going to work in a black turtleneck sweater and casual black trousers being held up with a hair tie around the button and the buttonhole. Luckily, it was kind of cold that day as autumn was starting to make itself known. On the way to work my car broke down but I managed to phone a repair service who got me started back up and running, of course, that made me two hours late and Mulder was less the impressed.

The day had passed so slowly, with Mulder complaining about everything and anything he could think of, it felt almost intentional. It got to the point that I was ready to cry or throw something at him and tell him to get his damn head out of his ass but I kept quiet. Every now and again I caught him looking at me, with his big hazel eyes (that mysterious mixture of green, blue and brown) at first I saw sadness, hurt and resentment, but I looked deeper and saw something I wasn’t expecting I see... love. I saw a deep-seated and overwhelming heartbreaking kind of love, the kind of love that made me think if I traveled to the other side of the world he would follow me, that if the world was ending he would be by my side (and shit, I actually think I would ask him). The sort of love you only see in movies, because how can something that pure and unaffected exist in the real world? I know from my own personal romantic history, that people usually ruin that kind of connection, either through fear or a misunderstanding.

I got up after I realised this new piece of information, grabbing my bag and running to the nearest restroom. I locked myself inside a cubicle, not caring who was around me and sat down on the toilet seat lid searching and rummaging through my work bag looking for the photos of my babies, tears started streaming down my face stinging my eyes with the pain of them. Why did he have to look at me this way? Why today? I felt like I was drowning unable to stay afloat, the emotion and my damn pregnancy hormones made such an awful combination. Fuck, it was the worst feeling in the world. When I finally pulled myself together and told myself to get a grip, I wiped my eyes and walked out with my head held high, walking back into the X-files office Mulder gave me a small smile but said nothing, so I just sat down and carried on working. I think he could tell I had been crying and didn't want to upset me more, he could always tell when I wasn't in the mood for his jokes or prying questions. It was one of the reasons I loved him, no one else had ever known that well.

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Flashback

Scully had just walked in, I could tell she had been crying. I don't know why or what happened. She's been pulling away from me as of late. She's stopped talking to me confiding in me and just keeping everything bottled up. It fucking hurts. I don't know why she is doing this to herself, or us. I thought we were headed somewhere good, but everything crashed back down to reality... when I tried to kiss her the other night.

I wasn't expecting her to pull away from me, it made me angry and confused initially but I soon came to realise that it hurt so much more than I even dare to admit to myself. I look at her now, sitting in front of me and I can see she is hiding something from me, but there seems something more like it's not just me she is hiding from but is hiding something from herself as well.

I don't know why she is closing herself off like this, were growing apart and it scares me to death. The idea that I could lose the best thing that has happened to me in my miserable life. I wish she would talk to me or at least go back to the way we were. I would take friendly co-workers over a potential ruined relationship, if it meant I could keep her in my life. But something is going to give because at the moment it feels like I am living in my own damnation or possibly it's karma biting me on the ass, maybe I deserve it. I’m going to look away from her and talk about the case, like nothing ever happened. We're good at ignoring the problem at hand.

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Tuesday:

Mulder started speaking to me a little more, though I could tell he was still distancing himself from me. It was hard to deal with but it was for the best and saved me from doing it on my own. It was mutual, like everything we did, even if he had no idea why it was happening.

Wednesday was full of similar cordial but distant FBI partner discussions and work.

After I got home from work that night, something was completely different about the apartment, something I wasn't expecting. Unbeknownst to me at the time, Missy had asked Rachel to come over and surprise me with a little get together to try and cheer me up. It was her only day off and she chose to share it with me, I felt so honoured (we hadn't really spent much time together since left my Medical career behind and joined the FBI three years ago). I told Missy there was no need to do this for me, but as usual she didn't listen and I was thankful for once she knew what I needed, there were two women in my life willing to stand by me, putting a hold on their own lives to pamper me and make sure I wasn't alone in the decision I had made to keep this from Mulder.

Over the next few hours, we just sat around drinking and relaxing on the couch together. It was non-alcoholic, sparkling apple cider for me while Rachel and Missy share a bottle of red merlot between them. We were each wearing a green face mask and casual clothes. I was wearing a new baggy sweater and navy blue leggings, my sister was in her pyjamas and Rachel was wearing some light grey jeans and a yellow and black striped t-shirt.

We laughed and let loose, all needing the release it turned out. I couldn't stop smiling, I felt so loved, wanted and free. One of the twins (I wasn't sure which one but Rachel seems sure it was the girl based on the placement she remembered from the ultrasound footage) kicked that night and I remember grabbing Missy's hand as fast as I could and placing it on my lower abdomen. She had been wanting to feel one of them kick since I told her I was pregnant but kept missing the special moments over the next few weeks. That night she felt it, a full-blown punch and or kick and her face lit up, like a kid in a candy store for the first time. She was ecstatic and witnessing this between my babies and their aunt was the most beautiful thing to see... the joy and pure amazement on Missy's face is something I will never forget and always treasure.

When I woke up Thursday morning I felt rejuvenated, like a new person as they say.

Mulder and I got straight down to business and talked about a new case. I wasn’t very happy about how this information came about. Why? I hear you ask, well because it was from his ‘informant’, whom I have still yet to meet and do not trust.

The case was about a possible encounter between a long haul trucker and a UFO in Tennessee; which could possibly mean flying out of state and I hate flying. It also wasn't going to be a fun trip in my current predicament as my feet would begin to swell and it would be uncomfortable being in such close proximity to Mulder, on a plane where I couldn't escape, he was bound to suspect something.

Today (which is Friday), Mulder and I spent most of the morning putting the final details in place, for example, which motel we were going to stay at, plane tickets and our car rental.

I left early, just after lunchtime because I was feeling noticeably huge and tired.

Missy keeps telling me I'm tiny and that my bump is barely noticeable (that you would actually have to know I was pregnant for your attention to be drawn to my stomach) but I don't believe her, especially looking at myself in a mirror.

She just doesn't understand I suppose, as she isn't the one carrying two little beans inside her like I am.

Mulder also said he had planned this evening which is nice, it would be good for him to get out of that small basement office for a while to meet and socialise with someone other than me.

Missy also went out for the night, meeting up with some friends. She deserves the break for all that she has done for me lately and it means that I get some time alone for a little while, and it also means I can write in you.

I can't tell her how I'm truly feeling about everything right now. I feel like it's something I need to keep to myself until absolutely necessary, otherwise, she will only worry and I don't want to burden her any more than I already have.

Yours faithfully Dana

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Meanwhile at apartment 42

Friday night

Mulder was sitting on his brown leather sofa watching the ESPN highlights with the volume muted, not really paying attention to the flickering images in front of him.

He was too busy thinking deeply about the fact that he had lied to Scully when he had told her that he was going out with some friends, it was becoming way too easy to lie to her like that easily and the worst bit about it was she believed him.

There was a knock at the door that gently brought him out of his reverie. He walked over and opened his door, not bothering to look who it was, so he was a bit surprised to find a tall red headed woman standing there a little nervous.

"Hi, Fox. Umm… I was in the neighbourhood and thought I would stop by. May I come in? I think we should talk."

"Melissa. Hi. Yeah, of course, you can. Ignore the mess... I wasn't expecting guests. I'm sorry"

"No. I'm sorry for stopping by without warning" Melissa gave Mulder a soft smile as she walked into his apartment, looking around. There were dishes piled up in the sink, the small desk near the window was covered in files and papers as far as the eye could see. There was a small, old TV in front of the brown leather sofa.

She noticed dirty clothes flowing out of the washbasket near the door to the hallway and chuckled to herself when she realised she could definitely tell it was a bachelors apartment, in all honesty, she thought it looked like a frat boys dorm room but made no comment when she sat down on the sofa.

Mulder walked over to where the TV remote was sitting and turned it off before looking over at Melissa and asking "Is it about Scully? Is she alright... has something happened to her?"

"No. Dana’s fine" of course Mulder first thought would be of her sister "She’s just been having trouble since the Willis case. Which I think you would agree is understandable, based on the fact that they were a couple for a while. It's just really shaken her and I don't think she anticipated the feelings it would bring up"

"Yes, I understand. I just hope will she be OK"

"She'll be fine, it’s just going to take her some time. I actually came to see how you were doing after Dana’s hospital stay. You seemed worried"

"I’m fine. It was just a bit of a shock. I know that she's OK now" Mulder said, defensively.

"Fox, please... don't lie to me. I can tell you not fine. Really, how are doing?" stressing the word HOW to try and get her point across to him.

"Melissa I…." Mulder tried to think of something to say, keeping his eyes focused on anything but Melissa in fear of breaking in front of Scully’s sister.

"I’m not going to push but I'm here if you need to talk about it or anything, in fact, I’m here as a friend... there will be no judgment from me, I promise"

"Thank you, Melissa"

"It's my pleasure. Please, call me Missy. We're friends now" she said laughing and giving him a wide, friendly smile.

"OK, Missy. In that case, you can call me Mulder now"

"Nope, not a chance, I like calling you Fox. It is your name after all and I think it suits you" Missy said, still with a smile on her face and trying to keep herself from laughing more.

"Fine" That was it, they both fell into a fit of laughter.

"Oh, I almost forgot. I bought a six pack of beer but left it down in my car in case you weren't in... or would let me in"

"Why wouldn't I let you in? You’re Scully’s sister"

"I just thought... but you're right. I will be back in five minutes, just going to run back down to the car and get them and then we can talk about anything you want" said Missy, as she rushed downstairs to grab the beer from her car.

A couple of hours later, the beer had been consumed. They had split the six bottles, three each. Mulder had down his just a little too quickly, while Missy was making her final bottle last.

Mulder wasn't used to having friends over (usually preferring to drink alone) and it soon became apparent that he did indeed call Missy a friend. They laughed and talked about Scully and her childhood... they talked about everything and anything. He was actually enjoying himself, forgetting at least for a little while about his problems, that was until he let his mind wander back to present day Scully, if she was really OK and why she had been pulling away from him the last few weeks.

"I miss Dana" Mulder blurted out, he was slightly tipsy maybe even full blown drunk at this point and thinking about her, his brain just couldn’t catch up with what he had said.

"I know you do, Fox. I can tell you she misses you too. I hope that helps... a little"

"I know you mean well... but it doesn't. Do YOU know what I've done wrong? What did I do to upset her? Or did I do something that made her angry? I just don’t know why she's pulling away from me now, when everything was going so well between us. I know you say it's the Jack Willis case that is taking a toll on her but it feels like more, like it's me. Like me, existence in her life is the problem. Missy, I need to know... did something else happen? Did I do something? I want to fix it before it's too late"

Shit, thought Missy. She had to be very careful in choosing her words right now, so that she didn't accidentally give anything away but damn this was hard, all she really wanted to do was tell him everything about the twins and about why Dana was closing herself off to him.

Missy knew if she did that Dana might never forgive her. would she do it anyway? Without help. She is, after all, a Scully woman stubborn to the bone.

"You didn’t do anything, I promise. She's just got a lot going on at the moment, has to work through some stuff on her own and then she will be her old self again. Stronger even. She cares about you a lot, don’t ever forget that... OK? Just give her this time"

"I love her," Mulder said, before retreating back into himself and locking his emotions away again.

The room fell silent as the words hung in the air; Missy couldn’t think of anything to say to allay his fears any more than she had. She could see Mulder’s eyes begin to fill with unshed tears. Why did the situation have to be so damn hard on everyone? Why couldn’t Dana just say how she really feels? She thought about what she should say next, or what to do next as she got a little closer to him and gave him a hug, hoping to steer him into a more lightweight conversation, she succeeded and they talked about sport, aliens and even Scully some more; his favourite subject.

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Dear Diary

I haven’t had time to write in you, during the last couple of weeks. I can't believe it... time has been flying by. I’m now 26 weeks and bigger than ever. I didn’t feel like I needed to write in, to be honest life was good, Mulder and I have been really good or so I thought but I will get to that in a little bit.

We have had a couple of weird cases as of late and with that in mind. I'd like to tell you about some friends of Mulder's I met... the Lone Gunman. What an experience that was!

Their names are Richard ‘Ringo’ Langly, Melvin Frohike, and John Fitzgerald Byers.

Langly is tall with long blonde hair and wore a t-shirt with his favourite band on, The Ramones. Frohike is short with dark hair, personally he gives me the creeps but I think that to do with him having the hots for me, which is a little bit "eww" for my taste and then there is Byers, loves his suits apparently and was also taller than me and had brown hair with a brown goatee beard which I think looks good on him.

I don't think you could find three people more suited to be friends, and friends of Mulder's if I were being completely honest. The fact that they were hackers and had helped Mulder out of sticky situations, it was nice to finally meet them.

Anyway, what you really want to know is... what happened today, right? Oh god, where do I start? So, I was pottering about my apartment doing laundry, cleaning dishes etc.

Missy had gone over to Mom’s again because we both needed a break, we were starting to get underneath each other's skin and feet a little bit. I had just sat down on the sofa wrapped up in a warm, cosy blanket and just about to relax after all the housework I had done when there was a knock at the door. I grunted and muttered some inappropriate language under my breath as I stood up; my back, feet and ankles were swollen and sore.

I really wasn’t in the mood for the company but there I was opening the door anyway, only to find Mulder standing on the other side; in casual jeans, a brown T-shirt and leather jacket, as autumn was upon us I admit it had been getting a little brisk outside.

He looked at me and smiled and that’s when I realised what I was wearing. I stood there in an oversized baggy black sweater and regular grey leggings because even though I was huge, I still wasn't ready to wear maternity clothes while in the comfort of my own home.

I couldn't help but sigh as I let him into my apartment.

He had brought beer and a movie, and make himself at home sitting on my couch without asking me. Not that I would have said no, it was nice to see him.

It was nice. I have to admit that I had missed him a great deal and it actually felt like old times.

Mulder put the movie that he had brought along, into the VHS player and sat back down next to me on the couch, offering me a beer that I politely declined which got me a world famous Fox Mulder raised eyebrow but he didn’t say anything, saving me from having to mention why I wouldn't be drinking tonight, or any other night for a while. I grabbed the nearest pillow to try and help hide my growing belly from him. I decided to sit close to him but far enough away that he couldn't touch me, much to his obvious disappointment.

An hour disappeared without my even noticing it, the alcohol flowed freely... at least, on Mulder’s part anyway. He finally looked relaxed in my company, I was equally as relaxed to be around him again and making comments about the film he had chosen for us to watch. Ironically, Mulder had picked 'Aliens' which in our line of work made me laugh out loud. He knew I hadn’t seen it, and yes I have seen the first one but not Aliens, or Alien 3.

I had made a promise a couple of months back, to watch it with him and tonight I made good on that promise. Mulder kept looking at me in a certain way, like he wanted to say something or something was weighing heavily on his mind but he didn’t know how to bring it up without ruining our night, which was going well up to this point, thankfully.

It was starting to make me uneasy. We were enjoying ourselves, I thought. But I could tell something was coming like an oncoming storm, questions that I didn’t have the answers for... not right now and I didn't want to get into another fight. Not tonight.

Another hour and a half went by and the credits started rolling their way down the TV screen. Mulder lent forward grabbing the remote from between us on the couch and putting the TV on mute. He looked directly at me and said that the only thing they got right about the aliens was their colour which made me chuckle softly.

He looked at me again and smiled, causing my sweet innocent chuckle to turn into a deep, from the bottom of my stomach laugh and then his smile turned serious and that was when it all went wrong. So wrong!

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Flashback

Mulder looked directly at Scully, big blue eyes studying her pale complexion. He had been wanting to ask her a few questions all night but couldn't think of the right way to ask them. They were delicate and ran the risk of upsetting her even more than he knew she was. He took a nervous swig from his bottle of beer, hoping for some liquid courage after the turmoil his mind had been putting him through, thinking it best to just come out, ask and hope against everything that he got the truth and some answers he was looking for, from her tonight.

"Scully..."

The way Mulder said her name made her heart jump, her nerves kick in and the blood rush to her brain in the anticipation of what as going to happen next. She knew it was coming but she wasn’t ready, would she ever be ready? All the lies had been piling up over the last few months, and the idea of explaining it all now filled her with the level of stress she didn't know was possible.

"What changed?" whispered Mulder, still looking deeply into her eyes.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck Scully thought, but said "What do you mean Mulder?"

"Don’t play coy with me, Scully. Let me be more clear, what happened between us? We were happy, we were spending nearly every waking moment together and then one day we weren't. I want to know why? What happened? What could I of possibly done to deserve this from up? Tell me... Please"

"Well, I don't know what to say... a lot has happened recently, and that case with my ex really affected me. Honestly, it made me reevaluate things" Scully offered him, at least she wasn’t completely lying to him now.

"So everyone keeps telling me. I just don't believe it... it feels like more than that. Like I'm responsible for, at the very least, a portion of the reason you've pulled away from me" Mulder muttered underneath his breath "Reevaluate what, Scully? Us? Your job? What?"

"Life, Mulder. The unnecessary danger I put myself in everyday... I don't want to be killed. There are things I want to do with my life" Scully said, it was the honest truth.

"That doesn't really explain why you stopped talking to me... don't you think I would understand if you wanted to avoid dangerous fieldwork? I don't want you to be hurt because of me, you should know that by now" he looked at her, starting to see the water brimming in the corners of her eyes "At some point... we stopped being friends, you stopped confiding in me, and now you won’t let me touch you. I'd like to know why. In the past month you have changed in so many ways; the clothes you wear, the way you act at work, the way you respond to me. It scares me. Scully, please, just tell me why"

Scully looked at him, deep into his hazel eyes that portrayed so much raw emotion, he was hurting more than she thought and quite possibly maybe more than she was. She hated what she was about to do and for once she was absolutely certain he would hate her too.

"We were never friends, Mulder! Not even lovers, it was just a fling and I'm sorry you thought it was more but it never was. We're just two people who work together, OK? I haven’t changed, you're just seeing the real me. I told you when we first met, in that dingy bar that I didn’t want a relationship and I still don’t. It was just easy sex, for me. Do you understand now? Just sex, nothing more" she replied, the matter of factly and without a shred of emotion. It was so ice cold, she scared herself. She figured that if she said it in such a way, Mulder would have no choice but to believe her.

"You're lying, Scully! Not just to me, but to yourself. Why would you say that? How could you use me, after everything I told you. After everything we have shared about our lives," Mulder was red-faced and angry, his fingers clenched into a fist on his right hand and nails digging into the palm.

"I was sent to spy on you, and that’s what I did Mulder. I spied and fucked you, to get close to you and learn more... and reported back to them. Like I was always supposed too. You never knew me!"

Mulder couldn’t take it anymore, he grabbed the back of her neck and brought his lips to hers and kissed her, roughly. Scully put both of her hands on his chest, pushing back against his force and slapped him as hard she could, the sound of it ricocheted around the silent room.

"Ha! I knew it... God, I knew it. I mean a lot more to you than just a "work colleague". I see the way you look at me... with love and adoration. You can't fake that, Scully, as much as you might pretend you can... you fucking can't! You love me, and I think you should start being honest with yourself about the way you feel, before it's too late to do anything about it... before I'm no longer here to do anything about it. Do you really want to risk me not being here, when you finally come to your senses?" Mulder was practically shouting at her now, his anger being expressed more freely and uncontrollably than it had been given the chance to lately, mind racing and heart pumping.

"Get the fuck out now! I am done with you and your bullshit, Mulder! You don't know me or what I want in my life. Leave me home, immediately and don't ever call me again or stop by unannounced" Scully screamed, at the top of her lungs not caring about the neighbours anymore, she was so incredibly angry at him. How dare he say these things to her! Mostly, she was angry with herself though. She had made such a mess of her life and the very idea that he wouldn't be there when she got her shit together infuriated her, so she used all that pain and anger to make him leave.

Mulder stood up, grabbed his coat and opened the front door of her apartment "See you Monday!" he threw over his shoulder at her and then slammed the door closed.

Scully struggled to get up from the couch and walked over to the door, knowing Missy wasn’t going to back that night and locked it. She was about to go back to the sofa when her knees gave out and she fell to the floor, her back flat against the door, elbows on her knees and hands cupping her face as she cried for everything she had done to him and everything she was going to do, before finally whispering "I love you" into the empty room.

Unbeknownst to Scully, Mulder had not walked directly to the elevator, he had also fallen to his knees with his back flush against the other side of the door, tears streaming down his face and collecting into puddles on his lap.

It was late and he knew nobody would be around and he whispered ‘I love you’ into the poorly lit and empty hallway. He loved her so damn much, every waking moment was spent thinking about her, the way her body would react when they were in the same room. The electricity between them. He couldn’t be the only one to feel it, could he? Why would she do and say these things to him? How could she do this? Why does it feel like his glass heart had just been shattered into a thousand million piece? How could he fall in love so deeply, with everything he had and be told it was a mistake on his part? Damn her, damn the relationship! He got up and walked to his car, muttering something about needing another drink, a stronger one and just drove, ignoring the speed he was driving at.

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So, that’s when I decided I needed to write in you. I’ve been a fool, thinking I could be his friend and work colleague, his feelings run deep as do mine. I know I have hurt him, beyond repair lately but he hurt me more than words can express tonight so I hurt him back just as hard, just like children fighting on a playground, scoring points. I just wish we had said something different instead of arguing, that he didn't bring it up all, when he knew it would only make things worse between us. Skinner approved my ‘Vacation’ time, without prying into why I wanted it now, which means I won’t be seeing him Monday morning. Fuck, I love Fox Mulder. I do. Everything he said was true, I shouldn't have expected less from a man who desires the truth from everyone he meets. I cannot believe the things I said to him tonight. I didn’t mean them. I hate myself for saying such things but it worked, he left and won’t be coming back anytime soon. I hope! Actually, that's another lie... I'm terrified he won't ever come back to me, that I've ruined the only good thing that's ever happened to me. Here I sit alone, like I thought I wanted, but I wasn't really alone, I had my babies... my last link to Mulder. Both of them were kicking and punching my insides, at least they weren't going to leave me, the thought of making me laugh. But I know the reason they're kicking so violently, they are protesting what I have just don't to there father. Even in utero, I can tell they love him. Irony of it all is... I’m doing it from them. I will always put them first. Nothing will be placed above them, not even my love for Mulder.

Yours faithfully Dana

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Dear Diary

This will be the last entry for a while, and all I’m going to say is... it's done!

Yours Faithfully Dana

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Apartment 42; realtime

Mulder was way past worried at this point, because he hadn't seen or heard from Scully in almost three weeks, and was staring down a nervous breakdown over her absence in his life.

Not since they erupted at each other in her living room that fateful weekend. Maybe he was stupid to expect to see her Monday at work like everything was still normal and they hadn't said horrible things to each other but what he didn’t know at the time was Skinner had approved four weeks vacation time for her.

He knew that she was angry at him but didn't think she wouldn't call or email in that time frame. It just wasn’t like Scully. Regardless, of how their relationship was at any time, she would always let him know she was fine. That fact alone was troubling him.

So, after he had woken up from yet another night terror(something that had disappeared from his life since meeting Scully) he decided to go visit her and apologize, to grovel at her feet if necessary, to tell her how he really feels about her and prays she feels the same way too. He couldn’t lose her not now, he couldn't go back to his dark, lonely existence. It would destroy him.

He poured himself a mug of coffee and sat at his tiny kitchen table watching the sun come over the horizon filling his living room with light and thought long and hard about the different ways he could say I’m sorry. After a minute he found one that felt right on his tongue and didn't leave a bitter after taste, he quickly got changed into some sweatpants, a cream and brown shirt and slid his cold black leather jacket along his arms.

Grabbing his keys, gun, and badge and quickly slipping his feet into his sneakers, still thinking about Scully, and then went down to his car got in and drove straight to her apartment complex.

Twenty minutes later he had parked and was staring up at her bay window but made sure he was out of sight, in case she decided to look out of her window at that unfortunate moment, still debating on what to say and what he should do. Now he was doubting if he should do this at all, so he sat there for another ten minutes before saying to himself "it’s now or never"

Mulder stepped out of his car looking around at the scenery before him, the trees looked bare and were covered in small water drops and he could smell the rain from the night before, puddles reflecting the morning light bouncing across the windows of the surrounding environment, the air was brisk and cold as he held is jacket against his chest as not to let any wind onto his chest. He put one foot in front of the other until he reached Scully’s door, knocking once and waited; there was no reply, so he knocked again and still nothing and he couldn't make out any sounds. It was silent on the other side, causing a bad feeling deep within, so he went to find the landlord expecting to have to show his badge to him but the poor old man actually remembered him from all of the times he had slept over at Scully’s apartment, handing the key to Mulder without a word. He walked back up to her apartment, putting the key in the door and unlocking it... what he saw next, wasn’t something he was expecting and it shocked him to his very core, brought tears to his eyes. Mulder walked into Scully's apartment finding it bare and Barron and he fell to his knees crying, the last thing on his lips was her name.

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also tagging some friends, @invisigoth-1013 @viceversawrites

#WLUSIA #today in fic #msr fanfic #AU fanfiction #mulder and scully #whats left unsaid

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crimsxnflxwerz · 7 years

Text

Don’t Want it Troubling Your Mind [bfu fic] -chapter 5

Don’t Want it Troubling Your Mind Fandom: buzzfeed unsolved Pairing: Shane Madej/Ryan Bergara; Shane Madej & Ryan Bergara Summary: Shane Madej really liked Ryan Bergara. He was funny, a joy to mess with, and took his brand of teasing pretty well. He would consider him a friend, kind of. But when the team goes to investigate the Franklin Castle for ghosts, Shane gets more than he bargained for, and the results could cost him his friendship with Ryan. Rating: teen Warnings: Demonic Possession, Existential Crisis, Complicated Relationships Authors note: This is a repost from Archive for people who don’t like Archive/prefer tumblr/etc. sup guys. Triggers for this chapter: skipping meals, implied assault, choking/violence

Ryan drove first. It was his car after all, so it made sense. Before they had started the trip, the two of them had collected several bags full of snacks and treats so that they might eat that instead of taking stops. Currently, the boys were in a fight over which snack food was better: veggie straws or chex mix. There were arguments for both sides, of course. ‘Well veggie straws are better for you.’ ‘Do you actually believe that Ryan?’ ‘Well, they’re called veggie straws not cholesterol straws, Shane!’ Ultimately, they agreed to disagree. Shane thought that a playful argument about snacks was the perfect beginning to a long day with his best friend.

They passed open fields, their green just barely kissed by frost, warming in the rising morning sun. They passed clusters of pines, looming far above their heads, holding their secrets deep within. They passed deer, and birds, and cats. They passed through sleepy towns, their browns and reds melding together into a new thing, a new entity. Each person connected to each other like paper chains. It was about three hours into the trip before they took their first pit stop. Shane checked his watch: 7:12 am. He felt like it should have been later in the day. Stepping out of Ryan’s car, he stretched, yawning. Ryan snuck up on him and grabbed him at the ribs mid-stretch.

“Haa-!” Shane breathed out sharply at the sudden intrusion. Ryan laughed and turned to walk into the rest stop. Shane chased after him. “Get back here, jerk!”

After a bathroom break, they wandered into the attached cafeteria. It wasn’t too busy, which was good, because Shane didn’t feel like dealing with lots of people at the moment. Steve and David said they were going to get something at the McDonalds. Ryan was eyeing the Starbucks, so Shane just tagged along with him. They stood away from the counter, studying the menu, wondering what they wanted to order.

“How do you think their oatmeal is?” Ryan asked, his arms crossed over his chest in thought. Shane looked over at him. Shane smiled at Ryan’s adorably frazzled hair and clothes. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a while. Shane wondered if Ryan would sleep during his turn driving.

“Not as good at their coffee,” Shane said. “But look, they have booberries in it.”

“Th—they have what now?” Ryan asked, side-eyeing his friend.

“Booberries. God, Ryan, don’t you know what a booberry is?” Shane dramatically rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help the amused smirk tugging at his lips.

“Oh, my god,” Ryan laughed and elbowed Shane’s side. “You’re such a nerd!”

“And you aren’t?” he asked.

“I’m not the one making spooky fruit puns, so no.” Ryan said.

Shane was silent for a moment, before he nodded in agreement. “Damn, you’re right.”

The two ordered their food and coffee and waited around for it at a side counter. It was so early, and so quiet. Kind of eerie, in fact. Shane looked through some of the apps on his phone, but quickly grew bored.

“What do you think we’ll find in Villisca?” he asked, turning to look at his friend. Ryan looked up from his phone, staring off across the cafeteria in thought.

“Honestly? Another spooky house with a haunted past.” He said simply. “I feel like places where people were murdered are particularly touchy. There was no justice. They must be hurting.”

“Wow,” Shane started jokingly, “You don’t need to go all Lovely Bones on me, Ry.”

Ryan lightly punched him in the arm with a laugh. “I’m serious! I know you don’t believe in ghosts, but what if they are real? Wouldn’t you be angry? If someone killed you and got away with it?”

Shane considered it for a moment. He listened to the grinding of coffee beans and distant idle chatter. Wouldn’t you be angry? He thought about the demon that constantly poured emotions into him. It was always angry. Wouldn’t you be angry?

Yes.

“I don’t think I’d be angry,” he said. “Mostly because I’d be dead.”

“Oh my god, Shane.” Ryan said, exasperated.

“Well, it’s the truth!” he said.

“Don’t you have an ounce of wonder in your body?” Ryan asked. “Or are you just scientific fact to the bone?”

Shane scratched his chin. “I believe in Bigfoot.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Bigfoot was made up by a dude who frequently pranked his town. Do you really believe in a prank?”

“If any supernatural being does end up being true, I put my money on Bigfoot.” Shane said. “Maybe it’s not intelligent, maybe it’s just a strain of mutated bears. Whatever it is, it seems more plausible than ghosts.”

“Okay, man, whatever you say,” Ryan said, grinning. “Just let me know when you catch Bigfoot on camera.”

“Now I feel like I have to catch Bigfoot on camera, just because you said something.”

After they were done at the rest stop, they hopped back in their cars, Shane in the driver’s seat this time. For the first hour on the road, Ryan and Shane laughed and joked, but eventually the conversation dwindled to a trickle, and then to a halt. Ryan closed his eyes after daydreaming out the window for a time.

As the day sped by, Shane wondered if he should be worried. He thought a lot about Anael in the stretches of silence that filled the car when one of them was sleeping in the passenger’s seat or stretched across the back row. As much as he would like to say that he wasn’t concerned about Anael, he would be wrong if he did. There’s something very, very real about Anael’s threats and ploys. Something physical about the black dog that had chased him through his apartment. There was something terrifying about its absence, like there was something looming over him, waiting to strike. Like a snake waiting patiently for a rodent to cross its path, or a lion crouched in the savannah grass, blending in seamlessly. If Shane didn’t think about it, would that be worse than freaking himself out? He considered that Anael was just being purposefully absent for long enough to make him paranoid. It reminded him of receiving the silent treatment from someone, left alone to eat your heart out in abandonment.

He didn’t crave Anael’s attention, he just feared what was coming from its absence.

Hours down the road, Shane would look out the window during Ryan’s turn to drive, his eyes getting lost in the heart of the dark forests lining the highway. The trees bent and swayed with the wind, curling in on themselves and blending together as the car rushed by. Inside, however, deep underneath the long pale tree bones was a pulsing interior. Thousands of eyes, watching, waiting, patiently for them. He wondered what it would be like if he were there. He wondered how he would feel deep inside the beast, alone. He shivered at the thought, before slipping into a light nap.

They arrived at their hotel at 11pm. They couldn’t film today, so staying at the residence in question would be pointless, since they wouldn’t have any build-up to sleeping overnight. Besides, everyone was too tired to set up cameras or think about ghosts after the long drive. They were all stiff from sitting too long, and would rather lounge around and chill before the shoot tomorrow.

Shane, Ryan, Steve, and David stepped out of their cars in the hotel parking lot. Steve and David offered to go and check in, leaving Shane and Ryan outside to decide on a place for dinner. Honestly, there wasn’t much around. A few local diners, bars, probably all closed now. As he was desperately searching for a signal in this middle-of-nowhere town, he felt Ryan tap him on the arm.

“I think I found a restaurant that’s open ‘till one,” he informed Shane. “We could just pile into one car this time.”

“What’s on the menu?” Shane asked. He could go for some traditional late-night dive food. He was already getting a creepy vibe from the small town. It reminded him of the town where the Keddie cabin murders took place, like they were intruding on something they shouldn’t. Some comfort food was all he really wanted.

“Just looks like burgers.” Ryan said, skimming a picture of their menu. He looked up then, staring across the street towards an abandoned gas station with a tractor parked near an aged-looking car wash. “Do you—do you feel like we’re being watched?”

“Watched?” Shane asked, following his gaze to find what he was looking at. There was nothing there, but it was so dark that he couldn’t really tell. There were just so many shadows. “I think you’re just tired from driving all that way. Did you know some people hallucinate when they’re tired?”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “This town is creepy, man.”

Shane couldn’t agree more. “Yeah, it is small and in the middle of nowhere.” He paused. “Anything could happen out here.”

“Including the murder of four traveling ghost hunters,” Ryan pointed out helpfully. “Add our own disappearance to the list of unsolved cases…”

“Ry, we’re not gonna get murdered here,” Shane said. There was a loud bang far to their left, like a metal trash bin getting knocked over. Ryan jumped at the noise. “Well, at least I hope we won’t.”

Ryan had instinctively reached out and grabbed Shane when the noise happened. Shane could feel the warmth of him against his chilled skin. It was pretty brisk outside, and feeling the warm touch made him want to wrap himself around Ryan and never let go.

For a moment, he felt hot with embarrassment over the thought. Sure, Ryan was warm, and it was cold, but why jump to such an idea? He was glad that they were getting along better now, but something inside him was starting to crave these accidental touches and intimate exchanges between just them. He thought about what Anael had said back in his car, all those days ago. ‘We’ll see who wants what in time.’ It had been a threat then, simple as that.

Shane had known Ryan for months, months. What would make him develop feelings now? What crawled into his chest and wrapped itself around his heart? Shane knew the deal, drastic moments reveal your true feelings, but something about the development was off. Before Anael, he could count the number of times he felt conflicting emotions about Ryan on one hand.

Then the door to the hotel opened and Ryan’s hand fell away from Shane’s arm, and Shane let out a breath he hadn’t been aware he was holding in. Shane felt himself put a little more distance between him and his friend, not totally sure if he could trust himself so close to Ryan right now.

“So, what’s the haps?” David asked. “We’re checked in, now we’re hungry.”

“There’s a diner down the road that’s open until one.” Ryan said. He gestured to his car. “Want to pile in and go?”

The crew got into the car and let Ryan drive them down the road to the diner. When they arrived, they noticed that the building was pretty old and retro-looking. The parking lot wrapped around it, but there were only about three cars parked, all at the front. Shane guessed that they were the employee’s cars. Inside, only half the lights in the dining room were on, creating an eerie mood that could only be described as paused. It was silent but for the background buzzing of old lights, empty but for the shadows moving in the back only visible through a tray slot in the wall. It smelled of old leather and cigarette smoke. The booths were all red and white, the floor a checkered tile. The walls were decorated with 80s pinup posters and old relics on shelves meant for viewing only.

The group awkwardly stood in the entrance next to the hostess stand for a little bit. They dared not make a noise, for fear of unpausing the video and forcing everything back to life. Eventually, the spell was broken when a woman wearing a red polo, black pants, and a retro apron walked out from the back and up to them. She had long blonde hair that was pinned up, and she clicked a pen in her hand several times before speaking.

“Four?” she asked, and snapped the bubble gum she was chewing. Shane couldn’t help but think that she was the epitome of every stereotypical 80s waitress. If only she was wearing roller skates, it would really complete the look.

“Yes, thank you,” Ryan jumped in when no one was responding. He gave the group a disappointed once over. Shane almost laughed.

“Follow me,” the blonde turned and lead them to a table that was a corner booth. The corner was more window than wall, looking directly into an abandoned building on one side, and across the street into an expansive cornfield on the other side. Shane decided it was too freaky here to look outside, so he sat across from Ryan so that he could look at him instead.

“I’ll be back in a moment,” she said, and left them to their table.

The group looked at their menus. They were dated, with ratty corners and some were scribbled over with crayons. Shane thought it reminded him of an 80s version of Cracker Barrel.

“Does anyone else find this place shady as fuck?” Shane asked. Ryan rolled his eyes, but grinned nonetheless.

“Honestly, this place is so retro that it’s weird,” David admitted. Steve nodded in agreement. “This honestly feels like the abandoned set of an 80s schoolyard film.”

“Are there Jiffy Pops on the menu?” Shane asked avidly, watching Ryan as he said this, and letting his smile grow when he saw Ryan laugh in response.

“They wouldn’t have those, even in the 80s!” Ryan said, thumbing through the menu, but still grinning. “Jiffy Pops, what are you, my grandpa?”

“Milkshakes it is then,” he said, pointing at a tall-glass vanilla shake with a cherry on top in the drinks section. “And fries. I love a good milkshake and fries.”

“Why are you so gross?” Ryan asked. David and Steve chuckled while looking over their menus. Shane faked offense at the statement, shooting Ryan a look.

“Milkshakes and fries are a delicacy, Ryan.” Shane argued.

“Sure, they are,” Ryan joked. As Ryan looked back over his menu, Shane let his eyes linger a little longer. He could tell that despite the jokes and playful banter, Ryan was stressed. He could see it in the straight line of his back, a rigid difference from the slight curve of it when they laid together on Shane’s couch for a movie.

Shane wondered if it would be too weird to offer Ryan a backrub.

As they waited for the waitress to return to take their orders, David and Steve talked about something they’d seen while driving, or some drama that was happening in the office. Shane didn’t hear most of it, since he was only half listening. Under the table, Shane’s foot accidentally bumped Ryan’s. Silently, they exchanged glances. When their eyes met, Shane felt a deep, dark heat bloom in his stomach. Like an ember burning hot in the core of his body. The other’s voices were suddenly far away, like the only thing in the universe was Ryan.

The trance was broken by the waitress returning to the table. She cracked her chewing gum, and the tension snapped like a rubber band breaking in your hand. Coming away, Shane still felt the sting of it, a raised line across his chest.

The others ordered, but Shane was still reeling from the intrusiveness of his own thoughts. He wasn’t sure what this all meant. When the waitress got to him, he looked up at her with a look of discomfort on his face.

“I’ll just have a water,” he said. “Where’s your bathroom?”

She pointed down a nearby hallway and moved to go back behind the counter. Shane could feel his friend’s eyes on him. He hurried away down the hall. He tried the bathroom door, and at first it was stuck, so he yanked harder. It came loose with a loud creak. It was a one-person bathroom, which was good, because he didn’t want anyone walking in on him in this state.

As he locked the stall door, the lights flickered. He felt a presence there with him. All the heat in his body was drained out, leaving him shivering in the bathroom. It smelled in there. Smelled of stagnant water and watered down bleach. He grabbed the edges of the porcelain sink, leaning heavily on it as he stared at himself in the mirror. He looked pale, paler than usual. His eyes held a glint in them, reminiscent of the demon’s shining yellow eyes piercing deep into his soul.

He turned the faucet on, relishing in the soothing sound of water running, breaking up the silent tension that had built up around him like walls of ice. He studied the water rushing down the drain, wondered what it felt like to get washed away, like a leaf carried off down a sewer grate on the side of the road, or a child dragged underneath by a wave, held captive in a watery embrace.

They had just arrived, and yet he was already feeling a pang of homesickness reverberating within him. Maybe choosing to spend this time with Ryan wasn’t such a good call. Maybe this was just what Anael wanted. Maybe he was playing right into the demon’s hands.

No, it was just a few nights, then he would be back in his normal schedule. Just a few nights, then he could establish if he wanted to keep Ryan at arm’s length or not.

Back at the hotel, he forgot that they agreed on two double beds. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, he was a grown man after all, and could sacrifice his space to save money. They all got ready for bed, and almost as soon as everyone was tucked in, the lights were off. Shane waited for about five minutes, before he got up, threw a jacket and his shoes on, and left.

He wrapped his arms around himself as he made his way outside. Once he left the hotel, he went and sat on the edge of the sidewalk, looking out into the dark.

He shivered, the cool october night air rushing right through his pajamas and jacket. He wished he could be more mature about this, or just put all these crazy, nonsense feelings right out of his brain and just be done with it. He wasn’t even sure anymore if this was only Anael. He felt a tugging on his heartstrings whenever he thought about Ryan and the complicated relationship between them. He just wanted everything to be the way it was before, was that so much to ask?

After a moment of sitting in silence, he heard the hotel door open behind him. He turned and saw Ryan standing there in his hoodie and pajama bottoms. He looked surprised to see Shane there on the sidewalk.

“What the hell are you doing?” Ryan asked, crossing his arms. “Come inside, you’re going to get sick out here.”

Shane looked away, back towards the mess of woods across the street. He yearned to be swallowed whole by the darkness, gripped harshly by the cold and plunged into silence. Maybe then he could forget about his feelings, he could sleep without dreaming.

“I can’t sleep.” he lied. He was tired, but he knew that all that was waiting in sleep was Anael. He didn’t trust himself to sleep next to Ryan, either. What if Anael took control? What if something happened? “Just go back to bed, Ry.”

“When are you going to stop pretending to be okay?” Ryan asked, coming to sit beside Shane on the sidewalk. “I can tell there’s something wrong. You didn’t eat at all at the diner. You? Not eating? That’s crazy.”

Shane couldn’t help but let out a weak laugh. “Yeah, that place was weird, though. Maybe I didn’t want to get food poisoning.”

Ryan clutched his stomach dramatically. “Oh no, you were right! They poisoned us all!”

Shane shoved Ryan’s shoulder lightly and smiled. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his arms there. It was moments like these where things felt normal. But he could feel the heat crawling up his back. A tight ball of want settling in his chest, burning, the steam from it rising and clogging up his thoughts.

“Seriously, though,” Ryan started. He sounded more sincere, his voice softer. “I really care about you. If there’s anything I can do. Anything you want to tell me.”

Shane felt the confession bubbling up in his throat. He wanted to tell him so badly, about the demon, about what was happening, about his feelings, about everything. He wanted to badly for someone to know, to see him, to understand what he was going through. But the words were caught behind his lips. They refused to leave him. He tried to push past the barrier, but he just wasn’t strong enough.

“I know Ryan,” he said softly. “Let’s go upstairs.”

As they stood in the elevator, waiting to reach their floor, Shane noticed Ryan’s hand dangling at his side. He imagined what it would feel like in his own. He could reach out, right now, and grab it if he wanted. Take hold of Ryan’s hand and just tell him.

The elevator door dinged, and he let out a small breath of disappointment, watching Ryan step out first. They shed their jackets and climbed into bed. They laid facing away from each other.

Shane felt unconsciousness creeping up on him like a predator. He wasn’t sure what he was going to see tonight. He hoped that it was nothing. As the darkness overcame him, he begged that tonight would be dreamless.

Shane could hear Ryan’s muffled voice coming from behind the door. Each time he tries to grab the doorknob, it evaporates right before him, his hands passing right through it, tiny pieces of it scattering like gnats, only to reform as his hand leaves the space. He gives up on the doorknob and throws his shoulder again the door instead. It’s hard as stone, even though it appears to be made of wood. His shoulder aches at each attempt. Ryan screams on the other side of the door.

“Stop it! Leave him alone!” Shane shouts, banging on the door. He hears a crash on the other side, and a muttered curse. He tries the knob again and it’s solid now. He twists it, and the door swings open. He stumbles in upon Anael in his body clutching a gash above his eye. Ryan stands, partially undressed in the opposite corner with an digital alarm clock clutched in his hands.

“Get away from him.” Shane growls and tackles Anael, wrestling with him, fighting until he ends up pinning the demon by the neck. He squeezes Anael’s throat, and it’s a weird image, because he’s technically choking himself. He feels nauseous as he fights it, feels his own hands on his neck, but he can’t let go now, he can’t let Anael hurt Ryan.

He can’t let himself hurt Ryan.

“Get out of my body!” he screams. Anael seems to struggle for a little longer, before his eyes roll back into his head. Suddenly, he falls forward, his arms disappearing into the body beneath him. He hears Ryan shout his name, but it’s distant and muffled. Once he’s fully enveloped, all he can hear and feel and see is inky blackness. He falls deeper and deeper into the blank void of space, getting farther and farther away from Ryan’s voice. He doesn’t seem to breath, or move, or see much. There’s a ringing in his ears, and then, and then.

“Just let me in, my child.” a voice says. “And you can sleep. I promise.”

And so Shane slept.

#my fic #bfu fic #shyan fic #shyan #buzzfeed unsolved #me #idk #triggers

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mrswhozeewhatsis · 7 years

Text

Every Breath She Takes

A/N: This is my second follow celebration personalized fic! This one is for yet another immensely patient follower, @plaidstiel-wormstache who put up with me peppering her with questions about all manner of weird things (most of which didn’t even end up in here). Special thanks to @littlegreenplasticsoldier who beta read this monster and helped me get the accent a little closer to reality. Honorable mention to @faith-in-dean who helped me title it! These are all quality women with quality blogs and you should be following them!

Summary: Sam and Dean meet Jessie, and the rest is history.

Prompt: Whatever moved me, preferably fluff.

Pairing: Sam x Jessie

Warnings: None. It’s so fucking fluffy you could pet it.

Word count: 2382 (Believe me, you don’t want it longer. The story took a very weird turn around 2500 words, and I decided it was better to end it fluffy.)

Sam was impressed by Jessie from the first moment he saw her. Admittedly, when he first saw her, he was actually seeing a Leviathan impersonating her, but when the monster was as dead as Levis got, she was still impressive. He had almost a foot in height over her, but she was a whirlwind of furious anger with long, dark hair and an explosive expression. She got up off the floor where she’d been thrown, stormed over to the impersonator’s head, and kicked it across the warehouse like a champion soccer player.

“That’s what y’get fer messin’ with the big boys, y’slimey bastard!” she screamed as the head hit a wall with a wet thump and rolled around a corner. She looked up at Sam triumphantly while her chest heaved and her hands landed on her hips. “So, big boy, are there more of those things around here that need killin’ or is this the part where I take you out to dinner to thank you for savin’ me life?”

Sam’s mouth flapped silently while his brain tried to catch up. Her accent enthralled him while he fought to look away from her eyes as they sparkled with mischief. “You’re not going to ask me what that was or what’s going on?”

Jessie shrugged and gave him a lopsided smile. “Mate, I’m from Australia. It’s not a proper Monday morning ‘til ya’ve killed five things that wanna kill ya back!”

The smile that shone from her face was the first thing to warm Sam’s heart since Bobby had died, and he immediately hoped he would see more of it. In spite of everything that was going on around him, for the first time in a very long time, Sam laughed, and his fate was sealed.

When Dean came around the corner, head in hand like Perseus and Medusa, he all but dragged Sam back to the Impala. Jessie followed right behind. The car was three miles down the road before Dean fully realized she was in the back seat and looked at Sam with raised eyebrows and gritted teeth. Sam just shrugged, a wide-eyed innocent smile covering that he was secretly glad that she was there. Dean tried to drop her somewhere, anywhere, trying to convince her that she could still have a normal life, but she wouldn’t go.

“Maybe you didn’t notice in the rush to leave, Pretty Boy, but that head you stashed in your trunk was mine. Now, I’m assuming you had a reason for leaving the body behind, but even if you didn’t, it’s still there, telling the world that I’m dead. You drop me off anywhere, and people are gonna have questions, am I right?”

Dean glared at her for a long moment, then hit the steering wheel as he let out a curse. Slamming the car into gear, he tore out of the grocery store parking lot, tires squealing. No matter what, she wasn’t going back, and it took all of Sam’s willpower not to smile.

Jessie took to hunting faster than anyone Sam had ever seen. She was a quick learner, especially when Dean taught her. The two seemed to get along like oil and water, constantly bickering and trying to one-up each other, but Sam saw the true affection that lay beneath it all. Dean was secretly proud of how easily Jessie passed every test, even if it was only to show him up, and Jessie loved surprising Dean every time she exceeded his expectations. Sam loved watching her rub it in Dean’s face, since it usually included a strange, but enthusiastic, dance which took his breath away and made him grin so hard his cheeks ached. When it came to hitting the books, she was no slouch there, either. She always seemed to know exactly where to go to get the information they needed and was just as quick as either of the brothers to make connections and find answers.

When they found the bunker, Jessie was even more excited about the library than Sam was. Specifically, she was excited to read all the journals she found there. She’d pored over John’s journal, and the journals Sam and Dean had taken from the Campbell compound, eager to read firsthand accounts of hunts and how other hunters dealt with the life. She was fascinated with how the Men of Letters documented everything with pictures and video, not just writing, and soon was taking millions of photos on every hunt. Dean would growl at getting held up while Jesse snapped pictures of Wendigo scat (“I’m not taking pictures of poop, Dean!”) or monster footprints (“I know we were thinking werewolf, but are we sure Bigfoot isn’t real?”) or whatever she felt was unique to a case (“The book says how you do the ritual is just as important as the spell ingredients and the words, so yes, Dean, I’m recording you. Now, make pretty for the camera, sweet cheeks!”).

Through it all, Sam watched her. Quietly, he encouraged her, grinning at her antics and laughing at her quips. When she was injured, he handled her gently while he patched her up. When a hunt went badly, he let her bury herself in his arms until her tears finally dried. When a hunt was finished quickly and easily, he made sure there were glasses of water mixed in with her tumblers of whiskey and ridiculously colored cocktails with little umbrellas.

He watched her as she challenged Dean to bet after bet, getting Dean to offer the serious stakes like letting her pick the music on hunts or cleaning up the library after rough research sessions. She lost as often as she won, but it was all worth it for the times when she was victorious, singing country songs at the top of her lungs while Dean glowered and revved the engine. He watched her as she danced in the kitchen to Justin Timberlake, her hips shaking as she unloaded grocery bags and put things away. He watched her as she slept on scratchy comforters in cheap motel rooms, her hair splayed out on pillows he definitely wouldn’t steal for himself the following night (but he totally did). Every day, he watched her embrace everything she came across, almost fearlessly, and with a passion he hadn’t felt in a long time. He watched her, careful to not let her see him watching, for fear she’d stop being entirely herself if she knew he saw her.

Eventually, the day he feared finally came, and he watched her as she danced with some douchey-looking guy at a bar after a hunt. He was in a suit, with slicked-back hair and an expensive watch. He flaunted his gold card when he ordered her a drink and winked at her as he spoke to the bartender. As they danced to some pop rock ballad that made Dean groan, his hand dipped to just below the small of her back, not quite being so rude as to actually grab her ass, but definitely enjoying the feel of the slope down toward it. Sam watched her giggle and blush while he tried to drown the sick feeling in his stomach.

“If you stare at her any harder, you’re going to burn a hole through her dress and then the dick will really get a show,” Dean said as he sat down across from Sam. “You better make your move quick, Sam, or we’re not gonna see her again until after breakfast.”

Sam glared at his brother, wishing he could burn a hole through Dean’s smirk. “If she liked me that way, she’d have said something or done something, Dean. I’m not what she wants.”

Dean shook his head. “You know, for a guy who got a full ride to fucking Stanford, you sure are dumb sometimes,” he said with a jab at Sam before finishing his drink and turning to inspect a raucous group of ladies at the bar.

Sam downed the rest of his drink and shook his head. “All right, present your case. What makes you think I have a snowball’s chance in hell?”

Dean glanced at Sam and chuckled, then began counting off reasons on his fingers. “When she’s hurt or upset, she always goes to you. When she’s happy or excited, she always goes to you. When she has to be the deciding vote, she always votes with you. Every time we stop for food, she always gets something for you.” Dean looked at his brother and shook his head at Sam’s unconvinced expression. “And even if it weren’t for all of that, it’s the way she looks at you, man. She’s always watching you, especially when you’re doing that thing that makes the female victims talk. Dude, she hates when you do that thing.”

Sam considered his brother’s words but wasn’t brave enough to give himself that kind of hope. “I don’t know, Dean.” He shook his head and stared into his empty glass.

Dean tapped the table with his hand and stood up to leave. “Fine. Don’t believe me. Watch her go home with that asshat and spend the night alone torturing yourself thinking about what they’re doing. But I guarantee, if you go over there right now and step in, she’ll forget him so fast his head will spin.”

Sam’s view of Jessie was obscured by Dean’s departure, and when he looked back where she and the dick had been, he saw nothing but empty floor.

His eyes bounced over the bar, the dart board, the jukebox, and every table in the joint, but she was nowhere. His heart raced as he searched the tiny dive bar a second and then a third time, but he still didn’t find her. Despair filled him as he realized he was already too late. She was already gone.

He rubbed a hand over his face and slumped back in the booth, fighting the urge to throw his empty glass against the wall just for the satisfaction of hearing it shatter. His head ached with the emotion he wasn’t letting out, his eyes burning as he clenched his fists so tightly his palms stung. He’d waited too long to tell her how he felt, and now she was off doing….

Sam’s head dropped into his hands and he pushed the heels of his palms into his eyeballs as if to physically wipe away the thoughts of what Jessie was doing with Douchey McDoucherton. When the worst of the images had passed, he dropped his hands and stared at his empty glass again, trying to will it to fill automatically. He no longer had the energy or the strength to hail the waitress and ask for another refill, no matter how much he needed it, so he would just sit here and stare at the glass until someone kicked him out.

He was deep into a pit of self-loathing and self-recrimination when his empty glass was pushed aside by a large glass of water.

“You look like you need this,” said the most beautiful voice with the most melodic accent Sam had ever heard.

Sam looked up, and there stood Jessie. Her brow was furrowed as she looked him over, but he thought she’d never looked more beautiful. “I thought you’d left with that guy,” Sam said quietly, the shock bleeding into his voice.

“Brad?” she scoffed as she slid into the booth next to him. “He must have had pizza with garlic, onion, and anchovies for lunch or something. His breath was truly foul. I mean, it was worse than Marmite breath, and that’s worse than Vegemite breath! And I didn’t think that was possible! There’s not a lot of—“

Sam interrupted Jessie’s train of thought by pulling her into his arms and slamming his lips onto hers. There was a moment of panic when she didn’t respond, but then her arms wound around him and she started kissing back.

The kiss was about the most perfect kiss Sam had ever had. Jessie tasted so sweet, like the fruity concoction she’d been drinking, and it almost made Sam dizzy. He groaned when he finally had to come up for air, not wanting to separate from her now that he had her. As they both pulled back, Sam kept his eyes closed, fearing what he might see on Jessie’s face.

“Well, you certainly don’t have Vegemite breath,” Jessie said, her voice breathy and soft.

Sam’s eyes flew open to gauge her reaction and his heart nearly burst out of his chest at her smile. Her grin matched his, and his was so wide his cheeks ached with it. He set his forehead on hers and sighed. “I thought I missed my chance. I thought you were gone and I was too late.”

Jessie pulled back a bit, and Sam opened his eyes to see her smiling face again.

“Too late for what, Sam?” she asked quietly, her eyes wide as she searched his face and took a shuddering breath.

“Too late to tell you how much you mean to me. Too late to kiss you and hold you, and—” Sam cupped the side of her head with one hand, tangling his fingers in her hair and sighing at the feel of her. “Too late to ask you if maybe you might feel the same way, too?” Sam’s eyes were hopeful as Jessie continued to grin.

“Yeah, Sam. Yeah, I do,” she said, her eyes sparkling as she reached up and combed her fingers through Sam’s hair, too, caressing his cheek until he leaned into her touch and closed his eyes with a sigh.

Sam kissed her again, this time more slowly, with less panic. He took the time to really taste her, to feel her softness beneath his hands. He listened to the breathy sighs and whimpers she let out as her lips moved against his. As they came up for air, he filled his nose with the scent of her shampoo before opening his eyes and drinking in the sight of her. Her cheeks were rosy, her eyes bright, her mouth slightly swollen, and it was all from his kisses. Finally, she was his, to experience with all of his senses, but he’d never get tired of watching her.

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#incoherent babbling by mrswhozeewhatsis #mrswhozeewhatsis writes #sam x ofc #1500 followers #sam fluff #sam winchester #spn fan fiction

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