#I did not manage my time today so I ended up submitting one essay 2 hours late | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hadtochangemyurlquick · 4 years ago

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here’s 7.1k of Toni pining and Shelby and Toni being childhood friends and also far more character analysis of Rachel than I was expecting? also Marcus is real and I made him a gorgeous himbo. it’s based off that poem by @theycallmedizzy and you can find it here. lmk if you want a second chapter from shelby’s perspective, tho i literally just finished this one. like literally ten minute ago.

Mr. Williams finishes reading the poem and looks over his spectacles at the class. Yes, they’re spectacles, those kind of tiny thick ones that make his eyes too big because he’s much too old to be teaching.

It’s eight am on a Tuesday, Toni walked the three miles to school because she missed the bus only to walk into her shitty honors English class and hear the teacher reading a poem aloud to the class. Her poem. She’d sat down after a momentary pause and listened to him read the final damning stanza.

And then he looks at Toni.

He reads her essays right? What if he recognizes her writing voice? Is that a thing? Or maybe her handwriting or—

“Toni, I was just explaining to the class that whoever wrote this should submit it to the state literature festival,” Mr. Williams says, Toni almost sags against her chair. “I was hoping someone would come forward,” He turns back to the class, eyes hovering over Quinn and Monty, two of the more sensitive guys who sit in the back and ruin the curve for everyone. “But I’ll leave it on the board here,” he clacks it on with a magnet and Toni flinches, “and hopefully someone will come forward. Now onto today’s lesson.”

After class Martha goes up to the board and takes a picture of it, her eyes a little starry at the words and Toni grits her teeth.

“You have to admit it’s pretty,” Martha says. “Even you can’t deny that.”

“It’s dumb,” Toni says flatly, crossing her arms.

“Well I’m keeping it anyway, maybe someday someone will write a poem about me,” Martha says.

“How do you know it’s not about you?” Shelby asks coming out of nowhere and uninvited too. Toni glares at her, letting her open disdain shine through like sunshine through clouds after a gully washer.

“No guys notice me,” Martha informs Shelby sadly. “I bet Andrew wrote it for you.”

Shelby purses her lips and looks over the poem, “I doubt it. He’s more of a doer, I think. Besides, I’m sure that guys notice you, you went on a date with that boy Sam last month.”

Martha sighs and before she can launch into what a disaster that date was, Toni tightens her hands around her backpack.

“I’ll see you in science,” She tells Martha and manages to escape Shelby’s eyes burning at the back of her neck.

———

reasons not to kiss her

1.) this sort of love is not allowed. you are both too soft, and the world around you is all knives and chipped teeth

Toni had played about every sport she was allowed to growing up. Basketball was her favorite, but she loved beat it ball, the game she made up with the other kids in the neighborhood. It was basketball but without rules, devolving into fist fights within the first half. Nothing tasted better than her own bloody lip on a hot summer day. Not even the cool glass of lemonade Mrs. Blackburn always had ready when she ran all skinned knees to Martha’s telling her about how she beat guys two years older than her.

She got angry when she had to stop playing, moving to a different neighborhood. Apparently, Mrs. Blackburn had figured out that she wasn’t only getting her split lip from the older kids in the neighborhood.

The new foster parents were a little stricter, a little richer, and signed her up for youth soccer when she complained about how there was nothing to do without beat it ball.

Martha Blackburn would always be her person, but Toni didn’t expect to find her people so young. Dottie killed as goalie, and Becca’s sweetness made her defense all the better. But it was Shelby and Toni who were the dynamic duo. Toni had a never ending amount of energy as a midfielder and Shelby’s precision made her the perfect striker. It worked the same way every game, Becca would kick it to Toni, who got it to Shelby, who scored a goal. It got to the point that Becca didn’t even need to do much and the coach had to pull Toni aside to tell her to pass to the other girls too.

At the end of the season they sat together at the team party, wearing orange slice smiles. With sticky fingers they held hands and Toni kinda wondered how someone’s eyes could be so green.

Toni doesn’t remember why Shelby’s parents were so angry about them holding hands, but she knows Mr. Goodkind talked to her foster parents and Toni was off to a different home, in a different district, and she lost even Martha for a few months.

———

At lunch everyone’s talking about that fucking poem. Martha sent it around to the whole school and Leah is discussing its merits with Rachel and Nora. Even they don’t seem bored with the topic, though Nora is sure Quinn didn’t write it.

“It could be Monty,” Leah says. “I wouldn’t have thought he had an eye for this stuff.”

“I don’t think it’s Monty,” Rachel says. She looks at Nora, “C’mon, you know what I’m talking about, right?”

“What?” Nora asks.

“I mean it smells like Anna Akhmatova had a baby with Adrienne Rich,” Rachel says.

“Who had a baby with who?” Martha asks.

“Please,” Fatin says. “You’re not exactly the world’s leading expert on free form poetry.”

“Uh, I know when something’s written by a girl,” Rachel says. “I bet you fifty bucks some closet case wrote this.”

Everyone looks at Toni. “You caught me,” Toni deadpans.

“Rachel’s right,” Nora says. “A girl definitely wrote this. Toni, do you know anyone?”

Toni glares at her. “I’ll shake the lesbian phone tree and see what comes out.”

“Well, could it be Regan?” Martha asks. “Maybe she wants to—”

“It’s not fucking Regan,” Toni grabs her books and stalks out, kicking a chair randomly strewn around away as she did.

She hears Shelby sit down just as she leaves, “What’s got her madder than a baptized cat?” Shelby asks and Toni rolls her eyes.

———

2.) no one ever taught you how to love. your war paint and scarred hands could never hold her like she deserves

The worst of it was that Shelby was gentle. Her hands were warm and soft around Toni’s callouses, and there was a crinkle between her eyebrows as she focused on Toni’s hands. No, the worst of it was that Shelby didn’t let go of Toni’s hands when she finished, kept holding onto them as she met Toni’s eyes.

“Well?”

Toni swallowed hard, “I’m not gonna apologize.”

Shelby sighed, her thumb traced little circles around Toni’s hands. “I know today ain’t easy for you.” Toni scoffed and looked away. “But you know you were pickin' a fight. Andrew promised to leave you alone.”

Toni ripped her hands away and jumped from the bench of the locker room. “What the fuck do you know? You weren’t fucking there.”

Shelby’s calm only made Toni’s anger redder, “You ain’t denying it.”

“Why the fuck are you dating him? He’s a self-satisfied little asshole who just wants a little trophy girlfriend to—”

“Toni,” Shelby cut her off sharply and got to her feet, meeting Toni’s eyes.

“You’re not denying that either,” Toni spat.

She could’ve screamed at the hypocrisy. She wanted to scream. She wanted to pound her fists against the walls and bleed all over the bandages Shelby wrapped around her knuckles. She wanted to hurt, to make Shelby hurt. She wanted everyone to see and feel how hurt she was, and hurt them with that hurt. Finally level the playing field.

“Andrew is my business,” Shelby said. “Not yours.”

“He becomes my business when you—”

“When I what?” Shelby asked.

Toni looked at her hands, “Never mind.”

Shelby sighed, “Martha’s helping you move in today, right? Shel’ll be there the whole time?”

“Don’t pretend you give a shit.”

“Of course I care. The last time you lived with your mom you didn’t eat for a week.”

“I was five, not fifteen,” Toni said. “And seriously, stop pretending you give a shit.”

She shoulder checked Shelby as she walked out and winced at the sound of Shelby hitting the gym lockers. Her hands still sting where Andrew’s teeth had scrapped them.

———

Regan approaches Toni during science, her eyes serious. Martha straightens, and Toni does her best not to make eye contact.

“It’s not mine,” Regan says.

“Yeah duh,” Toni mutters.

Regan frowns, “I just—I didn’t want you to—”

“You made it perfectly clear what you want,” Toni says.

Regan sighs and leaves and Toni regrets it.

“Shelby thinks it’s Marcus,” Martha tells her. Toni blinks up at her and Martha nods. “She thinks he wrote it for me.”

“Martha, that kid is dumber than a box of rocks,” Toni says.

Martha furrows her brow, “Maybe he has hidden depths.”

“If you think it’s him ask him out,” Toni says.

“Shelby thinks it’s him,” Martha is quick to correct. “But he doesn’t even know who I am.”

Toni rolls her eyes. Marcus had been in love with Martha since the ninth grade. They had gotten placed as lab partners and he literally didn’t take his eyes off her the entire time. Every time there was a dance he would always look like he was about to say something, shoot his shot, when Martha would loudly proclaim she couldn’t wait to go with her friends.

Toni would’ve pulled the guy aside and told him to grow a pair, but a guy who’s not brave enough to go after what he wants wasn’t good enough for her Marty, not by a long shot.

“Rachel still thinks a girl wrote it,” Martha says.

“Maybe Rachel wrote it,” Toni mutters.

Martha’s eyes light up.

———

3.) no one has ever loved you this full surely you would drown in it all

Being a lifeguard was the worst. It was super boring, the pay was shit, and also Toni would probably get someone killed. Like, they pretended she was CPR certified but she absolutely had no idea how to do it. She went to some hour long course, slept through it, took a test that was just: should you kill people? And then they wrote some bullshit on some papers about a three week long set of classes.

But Shelby was tanned and golden looking and on their shifts they’d text back and forth about which kids they were betting on to win sharks and minnows. Tweenage boys in all their adolescent infancy would gaze open mouthed at Shelby and Toni alike but Shelby was the only one who let them down gently. Toni would ruin them for girls forever with something enough to cut through even the thickest skin.

On the fourth of July the pool paid for fireworks and Toni found a blanket and Shelby found her and they sat watching the reflections of the lights together. Shelby rested her head on Toni’s shoulder, all gentle, like she was afraid Toni would spook.

“I know this ain’t much of a holiday for you,” Shelby said. “But thank you for spending it with me.”

She had her hand on the blanket, splayed out like she was waiting for Toni to take it, there in front of everyone. Toni imagined a world in which she did.

———

“Yeah it’s not me,” Rachel says. “I wish I could write that good.”

Which is such bullshit because Toni knows Rachel could say well if she wanted to. Rachel’s weird inferiority complex about Nora pisses off Toni to no end. Nora’s the smart one, Rachel will be the first to say, and Rachel’s the athletic one. But Nora has a six minute mile and Rachel has perfect pitch so Toni hates them both.

“Maybe it’s Dot,” Toni suggests and Rachel, Nora, and Martha snicker.

Out of all of them, Martha’s the best driver, but they always end up in Rachel’s car after school anyway.

“Most of the school seems to think it’s by Andrew,” Nora says. Toni’s fists clench.

“Yeah,” Rachel rolls her eyes, “I’m sure he would love to take the credit. C’mon Toni, you don’t know any lesbians who could’ve written this?”

“You’re a lesbian too,” Toni says. “You don’t know any?”

“I don’t have a life outside of the pool,” Rachel says, “and none of them have picked up a book since Hop on Pop.”

“Regan says it wasn’t her,” Martha cuts in helpfully. “But maybe it’s another kid in theatre. Shelby says—”

“Oh my god,” Toni grits out. “What is everyone’s deal with her anyway? Why is everyone still obsessed with her? She’s just another basic Jesus bitch.”

The car goes quiet and Toni wishes she could melt into her seat cushion.

“I didn’t mean that,” Toni says.

“Except you did,” Martha snaps.

Toni winces.

“What’s your deal with her?” Rachel asks. “You guys were fine last year.”

“Quinn says there’s a poetry club,” Nora says. “Maybe it’s someone there?”

No one takes the bait and they don’t talk the rest of the way.

———

4.) she belongs in a museum, and you are merely here to gaze. look around you, all the signs scream ‘do not touch’

“Shelby?”

Toni grabbed the shoulder of the girl and pulled her away from Marcus. Shelby was bruised lips and ruined make up and Toni took her by the hand. Thank god Martha wasn’t here, thank god Andrew wasn’t here, thank god Marcus looked just as trashed.

“Toni?” Shelby sorta stumbled, her ankle twisting painfully on her heel and Toni steadied her.

Shelby could do a cartwheel in six inch heels.

“I’m gonna get you home, okay?” Toni called over the music.

Shelby didn’t really respond, just leant into Toni as she led her away and outside. The party had spilled into the backyard and front yard some, the cops probably already on their way, but everyone was too fucking hammered to notice them making their way out.

Shelby’s house was only about a twenty minute walk but it was cold and Toni was only wearing her basketball shorts and her mom’s jacket that she promptly put over Shelby’s shoulders.

“Are you still—” Shelby swallowed hard, “You’re still living with your mom?”

“Mostly with Martha,” Toni said.

“Martha’s great,” Shelby said. “She’s so pretty it makes my eyes hurt.”

“One of our finest,” Toni grunted as Shelby nearly fell on her heels again.

“She could be a model,” Shelby told her. “We should get waffle house.”

“Shelbs, we’re nowhere near a waffle house.”

“What was Becca’s order? At waffle house?”

Toni sighed, looping an arm around her. “I dunno.”

“Neither do I,” Shelby said.

“I’m sorry, Shelby,” Toni said.

Shelby shook her head and stopped right there, circling her arms around Toni and pressing her into a hug. Toni closed her eyes, holding her back as tightly as she dared.

“Oh, Shelby, I’m so fucking sorry.”

———

“Day two!” Mr. Williams calls. He taps the poem again, “I will investigate the handwriting if the poet doesn’t come forward by Friday. I know it’s someone in one of my classes.”

His eyes narrow as he takes them all in and his eyes don’t linger on Toni. Not even for a moment.

There’s a part of her that wants to march up to the front of the room and write her name down, make eye contact with everyone who never even considered her before. But no one expects shit from her, and even if he does go over the handwriting he won’t really be able to pin it on her. He might not even bother checking to see if it matches.

Toni tries not to jump when Marcus takes the seat in front of her during quant lit. It’s not like they have assigned seating but everyone sticks to the same seats anyway. Marcus won’t get shit for it though, perks of being the quarterback.

“So, listen,” he scratches the back of his head and Toni rolls her eyes at him. “I know we aren’t really friends but I—um.”

“Marcus,” Toni says.

“I wanna ask Martha out,” Marcus rushes out. “She’s like the nicest, smartest, coolest girl in the school and like her eyes are out of this world radical.” Radical? “And I would take her somewhere nice like Olive Garden. Or Cheesecake Factory? And pay for it, and open all the doors for her, and I’d carry her books to class—”

“On your date? This is happening during school?” Toni asks.

His eyebrows furrow as he tries to connect the dots. Football players.

“Oh no! I meant like, after, if she wants me to,” He says. “Can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Can I ask her out?”

Toni blinks at him. “What?”

“My buddy said if you want to get with a girl you get close to the best friend first, and I figured I’d ask you for your blessing because that’s what they do in old fashioned stuff right?” He bounces up in down in his seat. “Can I? Or like, do you wanna give me your blessing?”

She feels like she’s having an aneurysm.

Listen, Marcus having feelings for Martha is one thing. Everyone on the planet who’s ever met Martha falls a little in love with her. That’s kinda just how she operates. Toni narrowly avoided that pitfall by being lucky enough to know her since she was five, but it was a tough time. But Marcus was never gonna act on it. Marcus can’t—he’s the quarterback.

It’s basic math, Marcus is a six foot five football player with shoulders wide enough to bench press the Subaru Forrester Toni’s legally required to buy when she turns thirty-two. He’s got that all American boy smile that shows of perfectly white teeth, and dark hair that sweeps in front of his eyes. His face looks like it was sculpted out of marble, like literally he looks like some sort of roman god, except if that roman god volunteered at the humane society on the weekends and called his mom Mami.

Martha is a res girl who’s best friend is the dyke with anger issues. And like yeah, she’s stupid pretty, but Marcus has exclusively dated varsity cheerleaders since the seventh grade.

So yeah, even if Marcus may have feelings for Marty, everyone fucking does, and there’s a host of reasons why she doesn’t have a date to every dance and a new guy every week. And most of them are the cliche high school movie hierarchy sort.

“It’s really none of my business, man,” she says.

“Dude, it’s totally your business,” Marcus says. He leans closer, “you two are like sisters right? What do I gotta do to prove I’m not gonna hurt her? I’ll do your math homework for a month, no two months.”

A thought occurs to Toni and it’s a terrible one. But when has that ever stopped her?

“You’re in my honors English class right?”

Marcus’s face screws in, “Uh, yeah. But I don’t think you want me doing your homework in there, I’m like totally failing.”

“I have a better idea.”

———

5.) she touches you like youre fragile, and if you break you wont be able put yourself together again

Dot was asleep which was Toni’s first indication that something was deeply wrong. The second was that Shelby wasn’t. She was definitely trying her darnedest, but Toni could tell she was awake. Awake in her arms.

Toni shifted, just enough to let Shelby know she was awake too. The movie was some horror flick, something dumb and flashy and almost muted it was so quiet. It was the only thing rated R that they could all agree on. Dot’s house was the only place they were allowed to watch anything rated R when they were still thirteen, so it was all they watched there.

She felt Shelby shift up, so her head rested on Toni’s chest, shifted until her lips met Toni’s clavicle.

Toni wondered if she’d die.

Shelby went up instead of down, pressing kisses up the length of Toni’s neck, soft barely there things that made Toni’s breath catch as she watched Dot snore on the couch next to them.

Toni’s hands moved to the inside of Shelby’s thighs and they stared there, tracing delicate patterns that only made Shelby curl closer.

“I think you’re probably the most beautiful girl I ever saw,” Shelby whispered.

“I—”

“I’m not done.”

Toni’s mouth clamped shut.

“I think about you all the time,” Shelby whispered. “Even when I—”

“Shelby,” Toni warned. Shelby pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth.

“You’re right,” Shelby said.

Neither of them slept that night.

———

Toni walks into class three minutes late with Mr. Williams, and takes her seat with a sulk.

“He still won’t let me redo that paper,” Toni mutters to Martha who’s eyes are wide.

“Toni, Marcus just—” She nods her head at the poem where Mr. Williams is studying it too.

“Marcus Gonzales?” Mr. Williams asks.

Marcus gets to his feet.

“You wrote this?”

“Yessir.”

“This poem right here?”

“Yessir.”

Mr. Williams blinks and takes off his spectacles, setting them down on the desk. “We’ll talk after class. I should hope everyone has a copy of—”

“I wrote it for Martha,” Marcus doesn’t sit down and the entire class stares at him.

“—Franny and Zooey and I would like you all to turn to page 52. Begin by annotating—”

“Martha, can I take you out on a date?” Marcus asks.

“—this first section, and on to page 64. Remember what Seymour serves as in—”

Martha blushes hard and glances at Toni who smiles before she looks back at Marcus in all his golden boy 6’5” glory.

“Um, okay,” she mutters out and he grins.

“Cool.” Marcus finally sits and gives Toni a thumbs up. She rolls her eyes.

“—this story and compare that to his roles in the other parts of the work we’ve read.”

“I told you it was for you, girl,” Shelby says on Martha’s other side. “People always have a way of surprising you.”

———

6.) she is all bubblegum skies and chapped stick kisses, and you cannot watch the love run out of another persons eyes

They were all a little bit slap happy by the end of the night. A little bit drunk, a little bit high, and laughing far too hard at one another.

“I’m scared,” Shelby told them, still grinning wider than any pageant smile.

“Girl, you picked dare,” Fatin said.

“I did,” Shelby bit her lip. “But all y’all dared Leah to do was finish the vodka.”

“That was—that was bad vodka,” Leah slurred from her position on Dot’s lap.

“But now we’re out of vodka,” Martha sang. “You picked dare.”

“I’ll go with you,” Toni got to her feet, surprised when they were more steady than she assumed they’d be. “Two chairs right?”

“Alright,” Shelby said. “And you’ll hold my hand?”

“Sure princess,” Toni rolled her eyes.

It was an office supply place, probably. The parking lot had this killer decline, and it was one of those spring nights where nothing could really ruin anything. Not forever.

The rolling chairs were kinda gross, left there but not yet picked up by the garbage men. They had to do a special pickup for that, which costed extra. No one in the office had done it for the weeks the girls had been going there after parties.

“Be careful,” Nora urged.

“Don’t fall,” Rachel suggested.

“Hold on, I’m not recording yet,” Fatin said. “Okay now go.”

They pushed off in their rolling chairs, holding hands, and sped down the decline laughing as they barely managed to hold on and steer at the same time.

Toni went flying as she bumped into a patch of grass and for some reason, Shelby went flying with her, landing on top. Toni grunted, but she wasn’t in pain, not really.

They met eyes.

“Sorry,” Shelby said. She didn’t sound sorry.

“You okay?” Toni asked.

Shelby smiled, this real soft thing, Toni wondered what it’d taste like.

“Fuck yeah bitches! I’m so putting that on snapchat!” Fatin screamed and Shelby pulled away, turning white.

“God if this is you in in freshman year, I’m terrified of you as a senior,” Toni called back.

Shelby’s hand slipped out of her’s and Toni tried very very hard not to overthink it.

———

“So I’ve been thinking,” Leah said. Toni took her gym bag out of her locker, pretty much the only thing she kept in there.

“Oh no.”

“Rachel was right about that poem being written by a girl,” Leah continued. “Which meant Marcus lied. And Marcus would never do that unless someone gave him permission to take credit. And since Marcus lied so he could ask Martha out that means the person who wrote the poem wanted Martha to be happy.”

Toni swallowed hard and tried not to fumble with the lock, stumbling with it.

“Toni,” Leah walked over to her. “You need to face the facts: Shelby’s into you.”

Toni blinked, “What?”

“She wrote that whole poem for you, don’t tell me you don’t see it. It’s about you!”

“She—” Toni stopped and furrowed her brow, finally making eye contact with Leah, “You think she wrote that poem for me?”

Leah nodded, “And she let Marcus take the credit. Listen, I know I’m right. I’ve been thinking about it for ages. Whatever fight the two of you had—you need to get over it. She’s into you, Toni. She’s been into you.”

“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” Toni told her. “Seriously, fuck you Leah and fuck off. This is none of your fucking business.”

“You aren’t denying it,” Leah crowed. “Shelby likes you.”

“No she fucking doesn’t!” Toni spat at her. “She fucking hates me! She didn’t write that poem Marcus did! For Martha!”

Leah’s brow furrowed, “But… but you wanted her to. Didn’t you?”

Toni looked away.

“Shelby’s actually straight, isn’t she?” Leah asked. “Fuck Toni.”

“I’m happy for Martha,” Toni said, and marched away.

———

7.) if you jump, she might catch you, and then youd have to watch as she tumbled through the dark

“What if we ran away?” Shelby asked, which was Toni’s third indication that the punch was spiked.

The first two were her arms wrapped around Toni’s waist, swaying in the soft breeze to the distant music of Junior prom.

“Oh yeah?” Toni asked. “Where’d we go?”

“Peru,” Shelby said. “Or LA, or New York or—” Shelby sort of trailed off, losing her thought halfway through it.

“Our parents,” Toni pointed out. She’d moved in with Martha a few months ago but her mom had taken it as a wakeup call, promising to get her shit back together as soon as she could. Toni couldn’t help but believe her, even if it put her in stasis.

“Right,” Shelby sounded cold, “Our parents.”

“Are things worse with them?” Toni asked.

“No,” Shelby said. “The same, really. They’ve lightened up since—since Becca. Have you heard from your mom?”

“Every week or so,” Toni said. “And if you ever need a break you know—“

“Martha is happy to have me,” Shelby finished.

Toni smiled and pulled away enough to meet Shelby’s eyes, her hands slid from behind Shelby’s neck to either side.

“Did I tell you you look beautiful tonight?” Toni asked.

“You did,” Shelby said.

“Can I say it again?”

“You can.”

“You look beautiful tonight.” Shelby closed her eyes and Toni tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “You’re gonna get out, you know that right?”

Shelby nodded, leaning into Toni’s hand.

Later, Toni will learn that was one of two lies Shelby told that night.

———

Martha gets home at 11:30, exactly when Marcus promised, and Toni smiles as her sister collapses backwards into her bed.

“Toni,” she actually giggles, giggles like a little school girl. “It was amazing.”

“Where’d you go?” Toni asks.

“Olive Garden, I think he was trying to win points with you,” Martha says.

“As he should,” Toni nods.

“He was the perfect gentleman,” Martha swoons. She rolls onto her stomach and looks at Toni and oh god, Toni knows that look. “He did tell me something about you, though.”

“Oh yeah? How I’m better in quant lit than him?” Toni asks.

“He told me you wrote the poem,” she says.

Toni looks away, “Okay, and?”

“You told me you were over Regan,” Martha says.

“It’s complicated,” Toni decides. “And whatever. I wrote it awhile ago anyway.”

“Have you thought about submitting it to that contest Mr. Williams was talking about?” Martha asks.

“Can we go back to talking about your date with Prince Charming?” Toni says. Martha acquiesces, she’s too damn giddy to do anything else.

———

8.) her gaze is too gentle. you will not be the one to tell her that not everything can be fixed with a smile

“Toni,” Dot began, and Toni could tell she was looking at her. “Toni, is Shelby—is she gay?”

Toni snickered, “Dot, Shelby is possibly the biggest straight girl in our school. Maybe our state. She’d sooner give herself a buzzcut than she would ever even kiss a girl."

“Andrew said Shelby got a job as a counselor at this church camp—Guiding Light—in Plano,” Dot said. “I wanted to find the address so I could write to her and it’s a conversion camp.”

The breath left Toni’s body.

“What?”

“And I got to thinking,” Dot said. “About what a mess she was after Becca died this year. Ignoring us, going to all those parties, signing up for a crazy number of pageants. Hell, it was only once you two started talking that she talked to us again.”

“Stop it, Dot.”

“Toni is Shelby gay?”

“Dot,” Toni said.

“Because if she’s gay, if she’s not there as a camp counselor—Toni, did you know about this?”

“Of course not! Jesus!” Toni said. She jumped to her feet and started to pace, “Jesus Christ. Oh my god.”

“Toni is Shelby gay?”

Toni looked at Dot and Dot sighed, her entire body sagging.

“What do we do?” Toni asked.

Dot, her solid, steady, friend since fucking youth soccer was silent.

“Dot, what do we do?”

“Dot, what the fuck do we do?”

———

Shelby finds her before school, Toni smoking like she hasn’t since ninth grade when Bernice gave her a stern lecture about lung cancer. It made Toni cry, actually. Not because it was so stern but because Martha and Toni had been separated for three years and Bernice still cared enough to get angry with her. She promised then and there to stop, and each drag she took now makes her feel like she’s committing treason.

“Smokin’ kills,” Shelby tells her, like they didn’t all go to Dot’s dad’s funeral last year.

Toni takes another drag, just to watch Shelby roll her eyes.

“How’d Martha’s date go last night?” Shelby asks.

Toni glares, “Seriously? You avoid me all year and now you’re asking about Martha’s date?” Shelby looks away. “It went fine. Whatever.”

“I just—I was surprised Marcus wrote that poem is all.”

“You literally said multiple times you thought it was him,” Toni says.

“I know, I know but—”

“Still holding out hope for Andrew?” Toni sneers. “Marcus may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but he cares about Martha. Even a fucking idiot could write a half decent poem if they had someone worth writing about.”

Shelby meets her eyes and Toni’s breath catches.

“Know a lot about poetry, Toni?”

Fuck fuck fuck.

Toni flicks the only half used cigarette away. “I have to go to class,” She says, aware it’s just about the worst thing she can do.

Shelby doesn’t even need the last word, she’s aware she’s already won.

———

9.) she is so good. she is so good, and you cannot ruin one more good thing

It hadn’t been the first time Toni found her mom overdosed on the couch, but it’d been the most terrifying. Toni had waited in the school parking lot for a pick up for twenty minutes before Shelby had offered her a ride.

When they trooped inside, after having to use the key Tamera kept tucked away in a loose brick, her mom had been passed out on the couch. And the stupid thing had been that Toni had known her mom hadn’t been doing great. Like she’d known Tamera had lost her job, and was close to losing the car, that the pain in her back had been getting worse again from stress. Toni had known that.

But for some stupid, naive reason, Toni had never thought she’d pull this, go back to who she was.

Her tolerance was low, the doctors had told her, because she’d been clean for so long. She hadn’t realized it and had taken more than she could handle.

Shelby had taken the three of them to the hospital, helped carry Toni’s drooling mother into the ER, and held Toni’s hand until the other girls showed up, who she texted to come.

Shelby had been there when the police and social services came to talk to her about going back into foster care. Shelby had never left her side.

Toni couldn’t help but contrast that to the Shelby she saw now. The Shelby who showed up for senior year was barely christian, barely anything, just sort of blank and empty and waiting to grow up so she could have daughters that'd also wait to grow up so that they could have daughters that’d also wait to grow up so that they could have daughters that’d also

Shelby didn’t even look at her, for the first week of senior year she didn’t even look at Toni. She talked with Martha in that faux friendly way, she passed off on lunch invitations to do school work and Toni felt like she was going insane.

Sometimes she would just stare at the back of Shelby’s head in English class, writing whatever gibberish came to mind, and not listening to Mr. Williams at all. Just stare, for forty-five minutes, at a girl who wouldn’t even make eye contact, Toni’s pencil moving rapidly as she barely even glanced at the words her hands produced.

On the last day of the semester Toni finally looked away and came to two realizations:

a. Her mother was never getting better. Not really. b. Toni had written P E R U over forty times in her notebook.

As quietly as she could she tore the page out, and maybe about fifteen pages behind it, filled with similar drivel and recycled them at the end of class.

When the next semester started the seats were changed and something she’d written that she barely remembered was on the board.

Her mother was still in rehab.

———

Toni watches Marcus carry Martha’s backpack to class and watches as Martha giggles at him, argues with him. She is literally so happy it makes Toni’s heart burst.

“Shelby’s quite the matchmaker, huh?” Fatin asks.

Toni looks at her.

“Leah told me,” Fatin explains.

Toni rolls her eyes.

“Yeah, that’s what I said too,” Fatin says. “Leah’s good at noticing things but putting the pieces together is not her strong suit. So I called Dorothy.”

This makes Toni’s shoulders tense and Fatin wraps an arm around them.

“Dorothy didn’t want to talk but what she didn’t say was enough.” Fatin sighs, “I’m all for a little drama but this is cutting into my me time.”

“What going from twenty-four hours a day to twenty-three and a half?” Toni asks.

“God forbid,” Fatin nods sagely. “I didn’t know you could write.”

“I can’t.”

“Clearly not.”

Toni slips out from under her arm, and follows Martha into class. Mr. Williams glares as she comes in and Toni realizes if Marcus came clean to Martha he definitely came clean to Mr. Williams. At least the poem is off the board.

When he passes out papers from a recent essay her’s has a “see me after class” sticker that makes Toni slide down in her seat. Martha doesn’t even notice enough to give her an odd look because she and Shelby are yukking it up about the quarterback.

When everyone files out she hangs back and he looks at her, over his spectacles.

“I’m disappointed,” he says at last.

Toni scoffs.

“You write essays based off spark notes, you never participate, and half the time you don’t even do the homework. But you write this.” He slides the crumpled paper over his desk, her poem shining back at her. “So all I can conclude is that you’re lazy.”

Yeah, obviously.

“Why did you have Marcus tell everyone he wrote it?” Mr. Williams asks.

“So he could ask out Martha.”

“He didn’t need to have written the poem to do that,” Mr. Williams says.

“Can I go?” Toni asks.

“I want to submit this poem to a contest, I want you to start trying in this class, and this,” he hands her a slip of paper with about twenty sets of numbers on it, “is a list of Dickinson poems I want you to read by next week. Pick at least three to write me at least a page about. Single spaced.”

“What?” Toni asks, “You can’t make me do that.”

“I know half the kids in this class write off spark notes, I can easily have them all—including you—fail. So yes, yes I can actually.” He takes off his spectacles and Toni glares at him. “You’re a smart kid, Toni. You’ve got a talent for this.”

Toni shakes her head, “I’m a one hit wonder.”

“You know Britney Spears said the same thing after Baby One More Time.”

“That’s not true,” Toni says.

“Yeah,” Mr. Williams says. “Because she kept working at it.”

And Toni takes the slip of paper with the numbers on it, and marches to her next class and he watches her the whole way, not bothering to put on his stupid spectacles.

———

10.) you will not watch her crumble under the weight of your sins. she is too light, too breathless to be caught up in the dizziness of your heart

Dot didn’t invite them all to the funeral but they came anyway, even Shelby who Toni knew had been waffling back and forth.

Some of his army friends showed up, a doctor or two, and Mateo—the hot nurse Dot steadily ignored. It was a small and quiet service, and the seven of them sat towards the back, holding steady for her.

There was too much on Dot’s shoulders, there always had been, but she didn’t look any freer now that the burden was lifted. She just looked scared, small, and sad.

Toni couldn’t help but wonder if that was what she’d look like, if she got the call about her mom. It was a terribly selfish thought but who could blame her?

Shelby’s hands interlocked with hers, in broad daylight, and stayed there for the entire day. When Toni met her eyes she saw pure terror reflected back at her.

God, were they really only seventeen?

———

Rachel is complaining at lunch about owing Nora five bucks, how she was so sure some closet case wrote the poem but it’s no surprise Nora got it right.

Fatin and Leah don’t contribute and Martha probably wouldn’t have either except she was eating lunch with Marcus, they had found their own little table and were smiling at one another.

“They’re certainly cute together,” Shelby says, glancing back at Martha and Marcus.

“I say it’s weird they have the same name,” Rachel says.

“Says the girl who dated a guy named Raymond,” Nora says.

Rachel throws a straw wrapper at him, “That was a phase and you know it.”

“Marcus is sweet,” Shelby says. “If anyone deserves someone sweet it’s Martha.”

“Don’t you think he’s a little,” Leah trailed off and they all looked at her. “You know a little…”

“Spit it out, Leah,” Rachel says.

“Like the porch lights on but no one’s home?” Leah says.

“Martha is smart enough for the both of them,” Toni says. “And thank god because I was sick of doing his homework in quant lit.”

“That’s literally the easiest math class there is,” Fatin says and Toni shrugs.

“What’s that?” Shelby asks, pointing at the yellow slip sticking out of Toni’s binder.

“Some extra credit stuff, from Williams. Apparently I’m not doing so hot in that class,” Toni says.

Rachel leans way over from the other end of the table. “What is that, Dickinson?”

“It’s a list of numbers,” Shelby says. “Why would it be Dickinson?”

“All of Dickinson’s poems were numbered. It was only after she died that other people named them,” Nora says.

“And Nora said it so you know it’s true,” Rachel smirks.

“Join the fucking club,” Dot says to Toni. “I don’t know why y’all didn’t take non-honors English twelve with me. We just sit around and talk about whatever football game was on the most recently.”

“Well I’ve never liked football so.” Toni gets up, “I’ve gotta talk to my science teacher. I’ll see you guys after school.”

“I’ll go with you,” Shelby smiles and Toni clenches her jaw. “Ms. Roberts said I needed to rework my psych paper.”

“See you guys,” Rachel says and as they leave she’s arguing with Dot about why football is stupid and Toni can feel Fatin’s eyes on her all the way out.

———

reasons to kiss her

1.) she loves you, and her eyes are closed, and didnt your mother ever tell you not to leave a good thing waiting

Toni hated the magnet program kids at her middle school. Like everyone not in their cluster she found them annoying, rich, and privileged as fuck. They only hung out with each other and it was clear they’d never give—

———

“Toni?”

The stair well is empty, it’s the short cut through the language hallway and no one goes there during lunch.

Toni is working hard on ignoring Shelby but is forced to turn around when Shelby stops halfway up.

“Ms. Roberts doesn’t need me to rework my psych paper.”

Toni stares at her.

Shelby takes a step up, one step closer to Toni.

“I had hoped maybe you wrote it for Regan,” Shelby says.

“No such luck,” Toni croaks out.

“That’s a lot of reasons not to kiss someone,” Shelby says. “You’d think if you really shouldn’t kiss someone you’d only need the one.” She takes another step up, until they’re only separated by a few inches.

“I guess,” Toni says.

“Are you really gonna keep me waiting?” Shelby says.

Toni blinks, “You mean you still—”

“I have to do everything myself,” Shelby says.

She kisses her.

#did something different with time than i usually do #and with structure #lmk what you think #shoni #the wilds fanfic #the wilds #goodfoe fanfic #goodfoe #shelby goodkind #toni shalifoe #gus writes #ren don’t

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everybodyscupoftea · 4 years ago

Text

let it snow

college isaac x reader

finals week hell capped off with the first snow of the season

(warnings: mentions of not taking care of yourself during finals - lack of sleep, over-caffeinating, etc; cursing; very little editing)

Finals week fall of your third year was ugly. It was a grueling combination of coffee and protein bars with absolutely no sleep. There was a table you’d managed to claim on the third floor of your campus’s library, and the only time you left was for an ill-advised gym trip to wake yourself up.

Isaac didn’t like the silence of the third floor like you did, so he’d been working with some of the kids in his major. You texted him a few times a day, but for the most part, you’d been reworking every single homework assignment you’d been given all semester.

Mid-way through the week, you made a trip to Taco Bell for actual food that wasn’t toast or a protein bar, much to Isaac’s displeasure. He watched you eating it with a weird look, so you finally asked, “What?”

“How much have you eaten this week?”

“Lots of protein bars and breakfast.”

“And instead of letting me cook something good for you tonight, you got fast food?”

“Yep. Braincells are overworked, so I didn’t think that far ahead.”

Stiles was sitting on the opposite end of the table, working on a research paper for his criminal justice course, and snorted, “Dude, she’d rather Taco Bell than your cooking.”

“That’s not true, I definitely said I forgot.” you muttered, trying to defend him.

He shrugged, “That’s not what I heard.”

Isaac rolled his eyes and shoved Stiles’s shoulder, “Fuck off, dude.”

“Who’s editing your Shakespeare paper? Me. Show some respect.”

“Stiles makes a point,” you responded, taking the last bite of your quesadilla before breaking off into a large yawn.

The furrow between Isaac’s brow was back when he looked at you, and you stood up, rolling your shoulders out, ready to go back to the library to work through another set of structures homework.

“Hey, when’s the last time you slept?” Stiles asked, shutting his computer gently.

“Like,” you paused, trying to think, “last night.”

Immediately, Isaac chipped in, “How long?”

“Three hours?”

“And the night before?” Stiles was walking over to you.

“Oh, no sleep that night. Got sucked into some geotech homework and the next thing I knew it was 6 a.m. So I went to the gym to get some endorphins going, had some breakfast, and got another coffee.”

“You should sleep,” Isaac told you.

“Only two more tests, and then I can rest.”

Stiles sighed, “At least take a shower.”

“Actually, that would be great.”

Isaac nodded, and you could tell he was already trying to figure out the best way to get you to stay the night. You were determined to power through for a bit.

Getting out of the shower, feeling significantly more alive, you put on the clothes Isaac had left for you, and started toweling your hair off. You checked the outside temperature, wincing when you saw how fucking cold it was, and started layering back up.

Isaac was sitting on the couch, scrolling through Netflix, when you walked out. He jumped up, “Where are you going?”

“Library for a few hours and then bed.”

“What time is your first test tomorrow?”

You sighed, trying to think, “Fuck, I need to check. I think 10:30 in the morning.”

“What class?”

With a grimace, you answered, “Structures.”

He looked like he didn’t really want to let you go, but he knew you’d be really upset if he tried to keep you back. Nodding, he smiled softly, “Text me after your test tomorrow.”

“I will.”

Putting a hand on his shoulder for balance, you rose up on your tiptoes to give him a goodbye kiss. When you pulled apart, Isaac reached over and grabbed a beanie from the hook next to the door, gently putting it on your head, tugging it down to cover your ears.

“Don’t want you to get sick,” he flicked your nose.

You clutched your chest dramatically, “My hero.”

He sighed, feigning exasperation, and nudged you out the door, “Go finish the semester.”

Structures and geotech, both on the same day, kicked your ass. After the geotech final at 2:00, you stumbled out of the classroom, eyes practically shutting. You weren’t sure that you could make the drive back to your apartment.

Taking one more sip of coffee to power through, and after a few minutes, pulled out your phone. Isaac’s apartment was fairly close to the civil engineering building, so you decided to call to see if you could crash there.

“Isaac,” you started when he answered.

“Hey, bub.”

“Can I stay at your place?”

“Yeah of course,” you heard ruffling in the background and suddenly his voice got louder, “are you close?”

“Walking that way. I don’t think I should drive back to my apartment.”

“Have you eaten today?”

“Fuck,” you muttered, “I was gonna pick something up on my way home, but I forgot.”

“No worries,” he was quick to reassure, “I have plenty of food here for you.”

“God, you’re the best.”

He stuttered a few times, and you could practically feel his blush through the phone, “Hurry up,” was his weak response, and you laughed, hanging up.

The walk was easier after that, though the sky was grey and the wind was picking up. You frowned, pulling your jacket tighter around you, and Isaac’s hat lower on your head. It took about three seconds for him to answer after you knocked, dressed exactly the same as the day before.

He had a plate ready for you, leftover fried rice and chicken, and pressed a kiss to your forehead. Before you could start eating, he asked, “How were your tests?”

“Geotech was easier, but structures melted my brain in the morning, so who actually knows. What about your Shakespeare essay?”

“Stiles read it over for me last night and I submitted it online and dropped it off this morning. Been watching Netflix since then.”

You yawned again, stretching out with the hand not holding your plate, and walked over to the couch to sit down. Isaac sat next to you and hit play on whatever movie he’d been watching. Curling up, you dug in.

The rest of the afternoon was a blur. You faintly remembered dozing off during the movie, plate still in your lap, before Isaac woke you up and made you go to bed. He woke you up once more when he climbed in next to you.

The third and final time you woke up, Isaac was gone. It was light outside, grey like snow was coming, and you had no clue what time it was, just that you were hungry again. You heard a burst of loud laughter before someone shushed them, equally loudly.

WIth a laugh, you climbed out of bed, heading to the bathroom connected to his room to brush your teeth and wash your face. Luckily, the clothes you’d left the night before were washed and sitting on his dresser, so you were able to change.

Scott and Stiles were on the couch, playing COD, when you finally walked out. Stiles hit pause and whistled, “Damn, look who managed to resurrect herself.”

“Looks pretty good for a dead bitch,” you joked back.

Isaac was in the kitchen, and you went over to see what he was cooking. He handed you a mug with a smile, “It’s hot chocolate. Figure you’ve had enough caffeine for a whole month this week. There is some coffee in the recipe, I saw it online.”

Taking a sip, you hummed, “This is fantastic.”

He beamed, “I’m glad you like it. I’m making taco soup for tonight, did you want a sandwich?”

“That would be great.”

Hopping up on the counter, you swung your legs back and forth and watched him make you a grilled cheese just the way you like it, tomatoes and everything. Isaac handed it over and ruffled your hair gently, “Eat up.”

“Very nutritious,” you commented before taking a bite.

He laughed, “I’ll make you eat veggies later. I want to go outside first, it snowed.”

“Oh my god, actually?” you gasped.

Leaning against the counter next to you, he nodded, “First of the year.”

“What time is it?” you finally remembered to ask between bites.

“3:00 in the afternoon. I texted your roommate while you were asleep to let her know you were alive.”

“Oh shit, thanks.”

Scott wandered into the kitchen, “So, we going outside soon?”

“We need to get out there before it gets all ugly,” Stiles added from where he was still on the couch.

“Let’s fucking go,” you hopped off the counter, eating your last bite.

The four of you traipsed outside after bundling up. There were a few other people outside walking around, a group of girls taking pictures under a really pretty snow-covered tree, and then your group making noise and kicking at the snow.

“I can’t take you guys anywhere,” you snorted when Stiles slipped and fell on his ass.

“God damn,” he muttered, “that hurt.”

Scott helped him up and immediately shoved a handful of snow down his shirt. Stiles squealed, twisting away from him, cursing loudly. You and Isaac laughed, his arm draped over your shoulder, until Scott turned your way with two more handfuls.

“If you put that down my shirt,” you warned, “I’m calling your mom.”

“You won’t.”

“Fuckin bet, bud.”

He dropped one hand slowly and turned to Isaac, “You’re on your own.”

While Scott chased Isaac across the parking lot, Stiles walked over toward the edge of the sidewalk, you following closely behind, interested to see what he was going to do with the mischievous look on his face.

With his foot, Stiles spelled out penis in the snow.

“Oh that’s mature.”

He glared at you, “Do better, I dare you.”

After a few seconds of thought, you spelled out send nudes and he had to concede defeat. Isaac came back a few seconds later, panting, cheeks red, and looked down, “Cute.”

“Thanks. Should I leave my Snap too?”

He rolled his eyes, “No.”

“You’re probably right. I have no interest in seeing an unsolicited dick pic this close to Christmas.”

“Just this close to Christmas?” Scott asked, “You’re okay with it the rest of the year?”

You paused, “Well no. Don’t make fun of me, my single braincell is still recovering.”

Stiles snorted, “Head empty snow day.”

“My mom will want a picture,” you told them, “set up the timer.”

It took five attempts, but you finally got one you were happy with. Isaac leaned over your shoulder, “Tell your mom I said hey.”

“Will do,” you muttered, looking at it again.

Scott stood on the right, eyes squinted with a wide smile, Isaac a bit behind him, one arm over Scott’s shoulder, one around you. Isaac’s smile was soft, looking straight at you. Stiles stood on your left, your arm wrapped around his shoulder, his hand reaching for yours, cheeky grin on his face while you glared playfully at him.

“Come on,” Stiles yelled, halfway up the stairs back to their apartment, “hot chocolate awaits!”

You hit send and followed after them, ready for another mug.

day eleven of @obxmermaid‘s holiday challenge: playing in the snow

#college isaac #isaac lahey #isaac lahey x reader #isaac lahey fic #obxmermaidholiday

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mollykathleens · 3 years ago

Text

✿Update✿

Soooo,

Todays the day - filming premier day! And our film isn’t done. Pressure is high, Andy is uncertain and so am I but we are working it out. I’m excited to show the film when it’s done. Vitória has such a unique perspective when it comes to films. Her editing skills are great, I could never do anything like that. I really enjoy working with her. I found everyone good to work with except for the actresses. It’s interesting working with new people especially considering I was part of the term two year group last year and as well as a global pandemic occurring whilst trying to shoot. I’m enjoying the experience with working with others.

I will say though it is such a pain trying to organise filming times with everyone. Especially from me. I am a manager at a pub and work full time there as well as being a full time student. I also moved into my own flat at the middle of last year so I’m trying to make it my own. On top of this my dog had to have very expensive and intense surgery on one of his legs and has just had the same surgery on the other 5 days ago he’s not allowed to walk on it so he has to be held basically 24/7. It’s very busy time at the pub as well as deadlines so I have been very overwhelmed with everything.

I have missed a few lessons due to multiple reasons but one of the main ones was my work schedule. I commute to uni so depending on if I have to go to Holloway or Aldgate, I have to travel for about 2 to 3 hours a day. I also work about 38-42 hours a week. It’s a very stressful job and my hours vary from working from 6am to 4pm or 7pm to 1:30am or even 2:30am I end up having very little time to myself to even do the basic things like food shopping.

From last week I reduced my hours at work. The stress was getting too much and I ended up sitting down with my mum to work out my weekly outgoings and if I can afford this with my student loan. I worked out I can just about afford it if I drop down to 30 hours. It’s a relief in some ways as it means I have more time to do the things I want however it adds more stress in terms of disposable income. It also gives me more time to focus on uni work and with a set rota I know in advance which days I have off.

14:30 and we are still editing. Vitoria is very stressed. I went and grabbed us a meal deal while she edited. She’s unhappy as Alan did not record the audio she wanted. Because our actress decided to make her own dialogue up instead of following the script, Vitoria read her own dialogue instead. This was not recorded however. We should have checked this at the time but it was a silly error.

15:00 every editors nightmare happened. Everything we had edited in the last two hours did not save.. We lost a lot of work and Vitoria is feeling defeated. It’s a shame because we were almost done. I think we’re going to have to just edit together what we have and send it in. It’s a formative assignment which means that although we’re not going to have a good grade, we are able to resubmit this work.

Final update - We ended up speaking to Andy in class and explained what had happened. He told us just to get it done by the end of the week and submit then. This was a relief and means we have more time to perfect the editing. For now I am going to focus on submitting for todays essay.

★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

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maastrash · 4 years ago

Note

"Just pretend to be my date "for nessian please and what did you mean by the fluff before the storm?Are you planning on breaking my heart?

The Truth Is ...

HEHE this got longer than expected! and omg dw I’ll only break it for a lil ;) Shoutout to my bff @verryberriess for helping me with this ily

Masterlist // Submit a prompt // Prompts 1 + 2 - pls write the prompt out it helps me out greatly!

Today was not Cassian’s day. All he had wanted was his favorite Starbucks cold brew so he could have the energy to study for his calculus midterm tomorrow. Math was his absolute worst subject. He could write an A worthy essay in less than an hour, but when it came to numbers he was absolutely clueless. He wanted to be in and out to give himself as much study time as possible. The gods knew he needed it, but that didn’t seem like a possibility anymore. It was just his luck that he would run into the one person he’d been trying to avoid all day - Daisy Anderson. She had been talking his ear off for the past 15 minutes, despite him saying that he had somewhere to be. She was a member of the most popular sorority at university, Alpha Phi, and had been pretty much obsessed with Cassian for the past week. He had met her at his frat party and it was clear she wanted him to ask her to be his date to the spring formal. Alpha Phi and his frat Sigma Chi were always paired for events so he was doing his best to turn her down easy. He really didn’t need awkward encounters with her at every greek life gathering.

After another 5 minutes passed Cassian seriously didn’t know if she truly wasn’t getting the hint that he wasn’t interested or if she just didn’t care. He gave the minimum responses necessary, avoided eye contact, and kept trying to leave, unsuccessfully of course. Every time he tried, Daisy would grab his arm or suddenly step in front of him. Apparently, there was another party tonight and she was desperately trying to convince him to go. Even if he had been free, Cassian didn’t really feel like getting to know Daisy. There was someone else who occupied his thoughts. Someone who would never like him back, but that didn’t stop him from hoping.

Cassian was really starting to lose his patience. Just as he about to firmly tell her he was not interested, he saw her. Nesta Archeron. Her honey brown hair was loose, flowing just past her shoulders. She was wearing a navy cropped hoodie and black jeans that hugged her body perfectly. Damn. She was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. Before Cassian even knew what he was doing, he was up, moving, and blocking her path.

“Hi sweetheart,” he said, pulling her into a hug.

Nesta tensed for a second before relaxing into the embrace. She hesitantly wrapped her small arms around his waist. She seemed confused, he couldn’t blame her.

“I need you to pretend to be my date,” he whispered into her ear, as subtly as he could manage.

“What?” she asked, pulling away.

Before she could get too far, he pulled her back in gently. “Please go along with this.” He was practically begging at this point.

Nesta nodded slightly, probably due to the pure desperation in his voice. They separated and Cassian put his arm around Nesta’s waist. “I’m so sorry Daisy, but this is my lovely date, Nesta. We’ve been seeing each other recently and it seems she came to find me after I didn’t show up.”

Daisy looked Nesta up and down, looking almost unimpressed. Cassian did not like that one bit. “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realize - ”

“It’s fine, but we should be going,” he said, cutting off her insincere apology. Cassian led Nesta out of the cafe with his hand on the small of her back. Once out the door, he grasped her hand gently. He told himself it was because Daisy could still see them, but deep down he knew that wasn’t the real reason.

After walking to the end of the street Nesta pulled her hand from his. “We can stop pretending now, she can’t see us anymore.”

He nodded as he let his hand awkwardly fall to his side. “Thank you, Nesta,” he said, trying not to get lost in her piercing blue-grey eyes. “I owe you one.”

“Whatever,” she snapped breaking eye contact and walking off.

“Wait, hold up,” Cassian ran a few steps to catch up to her. He grabbed her arm gently to keep her from running off again. “Are you mad at me?”

“Of course I’m mad you idiot,” she pulled away from his grip again. Cassian hated to admit her rejection hurt worse than he thought it would. “I wanted to read my book in Starbucks in peace, and now I can’t.”

Cassian put his hands in his pockets, avoiding her hardened gaze. “I’m sorry Nes I’ll take you to another coffee shop and buy you a drink,” he said the words sheepishly. “It’s the least I can do.”

“Don’t call me Nes,” she grumbled. “And I think I’ll pass.”

“Ok, what’s wrong? Cassian asked, crossing his arms across his chest. “Be honest.” Nesta was never this cold to him. Maybe she was when they first met, but he thought they were past that. She had finally started to trust him enough to show him the real Nesta. The Nesta that smiled every time she saw a dog. The Nesta that saved a seat for him every Wednesday when they had chem lectures together. The Nesta that blushed when he told her how beautiful she was while making her “thinking” face.

“Nothing,” she said, avoiding eye contact yet again.

“I know you’re lying Nes and I’m not leaving till you tell me what’s wrong.”

“What do you want me to say Cassian?!” she asked, the frustration clear in her voice. “Fine. You really wanna know why I’m so upset? You used me. You played with my feelings. Are you happy? You finally hurt the ice queen,”

“Nesta I-”

“No. I’m not done,” she said holding her finger up, instantly shutting him up. “I thought we were friends, maybe even more than friends,” she mumbled the last part. “But I guess I was wrong. I thought you were different. I thought you meant the things you said to me. But I guess you really are just another frat boy. A frat boy who would use me to get out of some stupid failed date with a popular sorority girl.”

Cassian was silent as Nesta caught her breath after her sudden outburst. “Can I talk now?” he asked hesitantly. She nodded, her jaw tight.

“Nesta I ran into Daisy and had been trying to get away from her so I could study for my midterm tomorrow. You came at just the right time. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I haven’t been playing you,” he paused, reading her reaction. She didn’t seem convinced.

Before he could regret it, Cassian laid it all out on the table. “The truth is, I am utterly captivated by you, Nesta Archeron. I haven’t thought about another girl since I met you. You are the smartest, fiercest, and strongest girl I have ever met and I can’t get you out of my head. I never thought you’d like me back so I settled for just being friends. I thought it was better than nothing. I asked you to pretend to be my date so I could hold your hand and hug you just once, even if it was pretending,” his voice tapered off at the end. He was suddenly self-conscious. What if he just ruined everything? Before he could think about it too long, Nesta interrupted his thoughts.

“You really are an idiot,” she whispered softly, “because I’ve liked you this whole time too.

This had Cassian gaping. Nesta liked him. She actually liked him. “Can I buy you a coffee?” he asked, offering his hand. “Let me take you on a real date Nes.”

Nesta took his hand offering a small smile. “Let’s take the coffee to go so I can help you study. We can go on a real date after your midterm.”

Cassian was practically beaming as he squeezed her hand gently. “Sounds like a plan.”

After Cassian aced his midterm, he and Nesta did just that. And it was the best date either of them had ever been on.

Tags: @illyriangarbage // @court-of-fuck-me-daddy // @girlnovels // @aelinninielelain // @julesherondalex // @rosehallshadowsinger // @ifangirlninja // @dreamerforever-5// @queen-of-wings-and-fire // @rhysanoodle // @jemma-nessian-and-elriel // @books-and-words-addict // @nightinshadow // @wolffrising // @the-regal-warrior // @dreamingofalba // @abillionlittlepieces // @alitzeldiaz // @kylizzles // @queenmaas // @illyrian-bookworm // @aspillofstars // @b00kworm // @tswaney17 // @girl-who-reads-the-books // @theshadowsinger-and-thefawn // @abraxos // @perseusannabeth // @acourtofmarauders // @sweetlyvillainous // @awesomelena555 // @notyournymphetish // @ladywitchling // @aesthetics-11 // @sjmships // @iammissstark // @illyrianwitchling13 // @moondancer-204 // @sjm-things // @foolsinlove // @sayosdreams // @welcometothespeaknowworldtour // @flourishandblottsx // @stardelia // @julemmaes // @thewayshedreamed // @texas-shaped-waffle-maker // @keshavomit //

#nessian #request #car writes #car answers #nesta x cassian

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normal-thoughts-official · 5 years ago

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I love your Magnus responses! Some have brought me to tears :') hopwfully you haven't answered this yet. I always see fics/ metas on how Alec came to terms about his sexuality, but never on Magnus (or just a selecative few). In your opinion how did he come to terms with his bisexuality? - luxxmagnus

okay first of all I LOVE UR BLOG im so glad u like my shit omg fajsfoamsa and second of all BOY DO I HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW MAGNUS CAME TO TERMS WITH HIS SEXUALI-

okay SO. your relationship with sexuality is deeply influenced by your early years, as is, well, most aspects of your personality lol. so i think it’s fascinating to think about magnus’ relationship with his gender identity and sexuality considering he was born in early-1600s indonesia, aka right when the colonization started. meaning, a lot of their customs and views on gender and sexuality couldn’t have possibly been erased yet, but they were being very violently and aggressively repressed. and then he finished his growing-up years with asmodeus, a demon, who can’t really give much of a fuck about gender identity and sexuality. so this means a very complicated relationship is bound to develop, and i love it.

unfortunately, magnus’ exact ethnic background isn’t specified in SH (nor tsc, i believe) which makes the whole discussion a lot harder because there are hundreds of native peoples in indonesia. however, they were very much in contact with each other both before and after the dutch invasion and subsequent colonisation, so what i’m gonna do here is talk a little bit about the views on the subject magnus was definitely aware of, and go from there

i know this specifically asked about his bisexuality so i will refrain from shitting my trans magnus headcanon all over the place but i will say that the Bugis people recognised five genders, including one for AFAB people who identified as neither male nor female, and one that embodied both female and male identities

anyway, queerphobia is, in fact, a very recent and very european thing, and most indonesian people, like most asian people and most non-modern-western peoples, were actually A-okay with what we view today as homosexuality. there were even many rituals centered around men-on-men and women-on-women practices. they were also pretty open with sexuality as a whole; there’s even a mountain with a shrine where people have sex with strangers as part of their religious worship.

but, as we know, the european colonizers were very intent on killing off and erasing all records of their dominated cultures, particularly the aspects that directly challenged the european model of gender, sexuality and relationships, to the point where we, ppl born in previously colonised countries, don’t even know about our culture’s views on gender and sexuality. in indonesia, the dutch criminalised homosexuality and we can’t forget that magnus’ stepfather was dutch, and that magnus was born after the colonisation.

so here’s the context: since it was very early in the colonisation days, there is no way that magnus didn’t know about the very rich and diverse gender and sexuality practices in his own country. there’s just no way. it takes decades to completely erase that shit. and we can’t forget that all indonesian peoples resisted colonisation, a lot. we don’t know the exact nature of magnus’ mother’s relationship with his stepfather, but it is very likely that he either enslaved or forced her to be in a relationship with him, because - well, because that’s colonisation, folks. it’s what these guys do. this is also supported by the way his stepfather treated magnus, because i mean, what the fuck. it was extremely rare that native colonised ppls would willingly be with their coloniser, particularly considering how the dutch were just, like, casually deporting and starving indonesian native ppls and ppl in java had been at war with the portuguese would-be settlers (would-be because they lost amazingly lmao get rekt) since the beginning of the 1500s. so im gonna go out on a limb here and say that magnus’ “stepfather” was, in fact, an abusive piece of shit coloniser who probably mistreated magnus’ mother and was probably a huge reason why she killed herself - i mean, your people are dying, and you’re bound to this guy who abuses and rapes you and keeps telling you everything about you and the way you live and was raised is demonic, that’s just bound to mess with you. actually, the religious aspect of colonisation that taught ppl that their cultures and religious were demonic and immoral and that they either had to repent for that and submit to the colonisers or be killed slash go to hell, hmmm…… well, is probably related to the fact that the idea that magnus was demon-related was repulsive enough to her that she killed herself? and that’s if we go with the interpretation that magnus was the main reason, which isn’t really reliable because 1- magnus clearly thinks he needs to Save Everyone and is bound to think that if anyone gets hurt it’s his fault; 2- canonically, it was magnus’ stepfather who told magnus that the reason she killed herself was magnus’ heritage. i mean i find it hard to believe personally that magnus’ mom didn’t know she was fucking a demon or at least a supernatural entity of some sort, and the whole angel-demon division is a christianity thing anyway, so what the fuck does this mean to magnus’ mom, really? especially considering that, unlike magnus, she probably was alive before the settlers arrived, so it’s even harder to believe that she would just uncritically believe everything about good and evil she was being taught by the guys that were, you know, committing mass genocide. i personally think that if magnus’ eyes were related to her killing herself at all (which makes less and less sense the more i think about it. i mean, what, was he born glamoured? surely she knew about this before he was like 11 or something) it would be because, in a way, this proved that everything she was being told about herself was true. she was demonic, her culture was demonic, and they deserved the absolutely horrific and traumatic things that were happening to them, and her son’s eyes proved it. so it’s not really about magnus as it is about, like, the entire continent of Europe’s bullshit. and anyway, again, everything she was going through was extremely traumatic - i think magnus’ eyes would be almost an afterthought, if considered at all.

anyway, sorry, went on a huge tangent here, i have no self control whatsoever. what i’m trying to say is that magnus grew up in an environment where expressions of different gender and sexuality were very repressed, but he was born in the heart of the very resistance. he was a native man (or, well, boy) and he knew for a fact that most people lived outside of the constricting western gender and sexuality binary, and he lived in a time where the europeans hadn’t really managed to dominate and erase their culture - of course, they never truly did, but the differences were way more latent. so magnus’ views on the whole thing were probably among the lines of “the asshole white people think the way we live is bad and are trying to kill us and that’s why they’re assholes and we’re trying to kick them out, but currently me and my mom are on their hands so i’m gonna have to behave like they expect me to”. so, lots of abuse, a very complicated relationship, but i do believe that magnus wouldn’t have internalised the european bullshit because, well, he was seeing the counterpoint and the resistance and he certainly knew which side was “his”. also in his flashbacks he’s wearing traditional indonesian clothing so there’s that - proof that he wasn’t completely assimilated to european views and culture.

and then he killed the stepfather (good riddance, rot in hell) and went to live his final teenage years with asmodeus. i mean, more like was found by asmodeus and forced to be with him by both the circumstances and asmodeus himself, but you get what i’m saying.

here’s the thing: asmodeus is definitely an asshole and an abuser, but i can’t bring myself to believe he gave a good fuck about modern-western gender roles and sexuality. he is older than them. by a lot. and he doesn’t even care about the earth realm that much, his whole thing is that he wants to rule edom, so i’m not even sure if he knows about them beyond the, like, very very basics. maybe not even that. so during the rest of magnus’ formative years, and probably the time he figured out what exactly his sexuality was anyway, he was in a pretty open environment when it came to that.

so with that we’ve reached the first conclusion of this huge-ass essay that you probably didn’t sign up for: up until he went to England, Magnus was probably pretty comfortable when it came to his sexuality. like, shit, he was fucked up about everything else, but this one thing i can’t see him internalising a lot of.

i’m gonna fast forward the asmodeus years because i don’t have a lot to say beyond that and also i have no fucking clue what the fuck was going on during that time????????? like it ended when magnus banished him to edom, so i can only assume they were on the earth realm the whole time, but what exactly were they doing???? no clue. i am gonna say, tho, that i think one of the reasons why magnus managed to break out of asmodeus’ shitty “be evil” conditioning is precisely because he had been on the other side before?? like obviously magnus must have been an extremely compassionate kid (which again makes absolute sense in the context of him being part of an oppressed people that were trying their hardest to fight together. you learn a few things about community-building and taking care of others in that context, lemme tell you) since he was out there blaming himself for his mom’s death and also for killing his literal piece of shit stepfather who also tried to kill him as well, but i think it’s just that much harder to help your dad commit mass murder when you’ve been on the receiving end of it. obviously he was probably around asmodeus for a while (i’m thinking until he was like, 18? you know, enough to be an adult), especially considering how he needed the help to learn how to master his magic and also he had nowhere else to go, and also asmodeus was all over the place with “they will always think you’re an abomination, i’m the only one who understands you” and he had eyes like him and all. but still. he knew that he didn’t want that, he knew that he liked earth and didn’t like edom at all and he knew that in order to be himself he’d need to get rid of asmodeus. so he did.

anyway, after the First Great Yeeting Of Asmodeus (second yeeting was when he sent him to limbo so he would never be able to come back. ugh we stan) Magnus went to England. I’m guessing that somehow he met other warlocks during his time with asmodeus (which actually makes sense, i mean, asmodeus must have been wanting ppl to join forces with so he could defeat lilith? or something like that idk they never said anything about what they were doing with their time magnus’ backstory’s got more holes than a swiss cheese) and there seems to be a pretty tight warlock community, so maybe he went to wherever it is that the warlocks meet to gossip and shit? trying to find somewhere else where he belonged. and there he met Ragnor, who helped him break out of his shell and find who he was beyond the constant abuse and the deeply ingrained idea that he was Born To Be Evil.

so for a while, magnus was learning who he was, and again the Warlock Community should be pretty open with gender and sexuality considering most of them are also older than western binary bullshit and also come from different, non-european backgrounds. it was probably at this point that he started going around, having relationships, looking for someone who loves him and somewhere to belong in, you know. haha im fine and soon he figured out that he wanted to find out more about the world. magnus is a curious and creative guy, he’s going around inventing portals and shit, he wants to see the world. so magnus goes to the mundane world. it makes sense, considering in most of his pics he seems to be in mundane settings, and there were no accords at that time. also i mean even post-accords magnus is still going around owning clubs where mundanes can get in so i think he’s quite fond of mundanes.

and that’s when shit comes crashing down, because “sodomy” was punishable by death in England until the 1960s and like boy these guys were not into the whole free sexuality thing. at all. i tend to think magnus would go looking for sex and stuff in downworlder and warlock spaces, where there was a lot more freedom and nobody gave a shit, but he was going around meeting people, and he’s vulnerable and he wants to be loved and he’s definitely been in relationships with mundanes. he knows he needs to hide it, but it doesn’t mean he’s uncomfortable with it. so he might get the occasional insult and he knows he needs to be careful, but this is one aspect of himself he’s actually okay with

but like, he’s spent centuries doing that, eventually shit would go down. and it does. i firmly believe that one of his lovers got caught and got the death penalty. magnus managed to escape but couldn’t save him, and i mean, that’s at least the third time he’s blaming himself for someone’s death. immortality is tiring, and he doesn’t feel like he belongs anywhere. there’s the shadow world, but even there he’s being looked down on because the shadowhunters are racist assholes. he’s got his friends, sure, but he’s never really felt worthy of any love, or like he belonged anywhere, and he’s been through so much abuse and being used and everything he touches seems to go to shit and he’s tired. and he’s killed someone he loved. again. so he goes to the bridge. and camille finds him, and stops him.

now, i don’t know if that’s how they’ve met of if it’s happened before, something like, seeing each other in parties and in downworlder spaces or something. but either way, he’s at a really low point, and that’s the first meaningful interaction they have - camille saves his life. he feels like she cares.

she’s not the only one who cares, obviously. so does ragnor, so does cat, so does dot and lots of other of his friends. but at this point, he’s feeling so empty it’s hard to believe that they care, and camille is all too quick to figure out his exact weaknesses - she’s there to listen to him when he wants to kill himself, i can only imagine the infodump that went on that night. he gives her all she needs to know - his fear of abandonment, his desire to be loved, his belief that he will never be accepted no matter what, his fear that he really is evil inside after all despite everything proving that he isn’t - to use against him perfectly. camille is smart. she’s also manipulative. and she also seems like a ticket into a somewhat normal world - she’s a woman, she’s immortal, she’s acting all sweet around him and telling him that she understands, that this is why she doesn’t mingle with mundanes, that it’s better if they’re just amongst themselves, that people like them can’t trust too much and need to stick together. slowly, she plants into him the idea that he’s gullible, has a weak judgement, and is just weak in general for going around thinking he could ever have a thing with mortals or could ever find a space to belong. she uses that to drive him away from his friends and make sure he does as she says. also, magnus owes her, doesn’t he? she saved his life. how can he fight her, when she saved his life? how can he say no to her? how can he disagree? he’s gullible, he’s weak, and she’s the only one who has enough patience for him. everyone else leaves. she’s all he has.

in conclusion: his sexuality is a huge factor in camille’s abuse, it’s what makes him vulnerable to her and gives her every tool she needs to manipulate him. it’s not direct, she’s not about to make fun or dismiss his bisexuality because she knows this is not something he’s internalised, but she can weaponize the trauma that queerphobia brings to his life, and so she does.

she wrecks him. like really really wrecks him, everything he’s built for himself, his identity, whatever he had of his confidence. like he was still trying to build all of that, but he was getting there, and she gets him back to ground 0 just like that. i think he only broke up with her because she started doing her more Clearly Immoral shit and magnus can’t do that. say what you want, but magnus’ actual nature has always been to care and to give all that he can for others. and camille is just evil mcbad. and her abuse goes a long way, but i don’t think anything could actually break magnus enough to be okay with hurting others. especially considering how most of his trauma seems to revolve around the fact that he believes he is constantly hurting others, and it seems to me - considering how he’s going all around the place helping everyone and sacrificing himself without a second thought - that helping others is even a way to cope somewhat, he doesn’t focus on himself, he does his job and helps others and doesn’t think about himself and so he copes, he can do what he’s good at and also believe he’s somehow “repenting” for “killing” his mother and stepfather (it was SELF FUCKING DEFENSE he didn’t murder him, but he does seem to believe he did). so that’s probably when they break up, when he realises that camille is just. keen on hurting others and she’s bored with him and his morals anyway. i know that in book canon apparently the reason they broke up was that she cheated on him, but again i don’t consider book canon and show canon to be the same canon, specially considering how magnus is a wildly different character in those. so i don’t think that would somehow be the last straw for him. camille probably was cheating on him left and right but he probably just believed that it was his fault, or just kept forgiving her anyway because he had nowhere to go and it should be enough that she loves him and saved him, right?

he doesn’t really get around to realising that camille is a straight-up abuser and awful person (as shown by the fact that he seems to still internalise the whole “camille saved my life” bullshit when she was really just manipulating him and using his vulnerability against him) but he does realise that he can’t keep looking for a partner as a solution to his issues. he also doesn’t really want to be in a relationship after her, not when he’s broken in more pieces than he was when he left asmodeus, and that was a lot of pieces as well. so he sleeps around and all, crafts this whole playboy persona of his, and locks his heart away. dedicates himself to the downworlder children he keeps adopting and trying to help, reconnects with ragnor and the other warlocks - who kind of knew what was going on and never blamed him for it or for growing distant with them because they’re amazing and probably have seen this happen many times before.

he also carefully avoids mundane men. he’s not risking getting anyone else hurt.

but then there’s the 60s and 70s, and he’s in bloody new york, and the queer community is shaping itself, and goddamn, after all the hurt and pain he’s seen due to sexuality, he’s not gonna ignore this. also, his Adopting Instincts are way too strong anyway, he can’t really see people struggling and not do anything. so he supports queer spaces, probably made pandemonium one, too - a particularly safe queer space, since she could use his wards to keep police out of his business and ensure everyone’s safety. he definitely was there at stonewall and subsequent protests and parades, keeping people safe, weakening gas bombs and the like with magic, making sure they managed to escape jail.

magnus’ relationship with the mundane queer community is kind of weird, then - he’s not an actual part of it, not really, and he’s particularly scared of getting attached then, so he guards his heart with even more determination than everywhere else. but he still wants to help, so he brings in his money, tries to keep them safe, participates in some community activities and volunteers, and occasionally talks to some kids who were just kicked out of home or something, who are dealing with self-loathing and fear, and even though he hasn’t gone through the whole “my sexuality is unnatural” thing or particularly hated that aspect of himself, he does know what it’s like to be cast away and seen as a monster, and to see himself as uncapable of being loved. so he listens and he talks about his experiences and tries to help as much as he can, and for the most part, he’s successful and he feels kind of accomplished in that sense. he might never have hated himself for his sexuality, but this is the first time he is fully able to bring it into his mundane life. and it also helps him deal with and talk about his other issues, even if he can’t be 100% frank about being an immortal being who does magic and shit, he can connect to these people in a lot of ways, and he also has his own scars brought in by homophobia even if they weren’t internalised in the same way. also, there are names popping up for what people are, homosexuality is being decriminalised all over the world (even in england, he’s heard), things are starting to look up.

as the 80s come up, he knows that a lot of things are changing - that white gay guys are getting more and more space, that the word “bisexual” is being popularised, but also that the reason for that is that a lot of gays and lesbians are trying to get bi ppl out of some spaces, that there’s a division going on between people who want to be seen as palatable and are willing to step over others to get it, and people who refuse to blend into an oppressive society, or just can’t, because they’re trans, they’re people of color, they’re sex workers and homeless and they can never be really assimilated when, even if they’re not getting the death penalty, they’re still getting killed and framed as criminals for existing.

magnus is a person of color as well, he’s bisexual (meaning one of the groups that were being cast away and despised by the white, “clean” gay movement) and he’s been there since the beginning, where these exact people that are being driven away were the only ones building the queer movement, so i think it’s pretty obvious who he “sided” with. not much changed in that aspect, then, since the spaces of queer resistance he was used to were the ones created by the “outcasts”. it was disappointing to see a movement that seemed so amazing at first get slowly gentrified and push the most vulnerable people away again, but at this point, he was used to seeing the divide, to drawing the short end, and at least he could continue as he was and try and help people, right? so life was good as a whole.

then the AIDS crisis happened, and shit that was SO rough. people were dying left and right, they had nowhere to go and there was so little he could do. of course he tried his best - pandemonium, like many other similar clubs, was definitely raising money to help the victims, and he was definitely volunteering to help them, along with catarina (who’s better at healing than he is, anyway), but even healing magic isn’t as simple as “begone, disease” and this was a completely new thing, anyway. there was little they could do beyond try and lessen the pain and symptoms and spend countless nights awake doing research and trying to figure out what exactly was causing this and what they could do to help and try to cure it. it’s endlessly frustrating and he gets to see a lot of people he knew, and talked to, and helped, die slowly while he was unable to do much, and shit is that a theme on his life. he also blames himself for not being able to work out a cure - what good is fucking magic if he can’t do this? - even if he and cat do figure out ways to help, at least. but they’re just two people and creating spells isn’t easy and it’s not like their patients have a lot of time, and also he needs to sleep, as cat and dot keep reminding him. the mundanes beat him to it, and for a while he can breathe again. but then there has been so much loss and death the community is in shambles and they’ve been set back one hell of a lot, and magnus is so tired. his friends help him, reassure him that it’s not his fault, and he’s okay, because he’s stronger now, he’s been getting better during all these years and a part of him is used to it - it never hurts less, but it does get easier to push through.

and then, well, there’s the whole war against valentine thing, and then the accords, so i think for a while magnus was kind of not very involved with the mundane world, and also this is already WAY to long to get into the 2000s and shit, but i will finish by saying that maybe after a few years magnus might get somewhat involved with the community again, because i just. really like the idea of magnus joining some kind of group of bisexual men and learning that SO MANY of them have gone through abusive experiences with straight girls that are scarily similar to his experience with camille, considering, you know, all the other layers involved and the fact that it happened centuries ago. and it kind of works as group therapy, and magnus finally realises that what he went through with camille was abuse, and that he’s not alone, and that queerphobia made him vulnerable, and that the fact that he is part of so many minorities can mean that, rather than not belonging anywhere, he belongs in many places and many different spaces, and he’s helped so many people in so many different ways. and then he finds out that there are other warlocks who are working as therapists and in there he can talk about his immortality issues and, well, other issues and he starts healing faster than before - he’s been healing ever since the breakup with camille, of course, otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to open up to alec. like, of course, alec and him are soulmates and shit, but if he wasn’t in a better place he wouldn’t have allowed himself to fall for him like he did. and. yeah. magnus doing therapy and getting better and finding groups where he feels like he belongs, and realising camille was an abuser, please.

#ask #cosmicnovia #luxxmagnus #sh #shadowhunters #meta #magnus bane #magnus bane meta #history tag #queer history #sh meta #overflowing trashcan

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velvetsehun · 5 years ago

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hiiii i've been a follower of yours for quite a while and i absolutely love your writings!!! i hope you don't mind me asking since this question is not related to your blog, but it's my first year of college and now that classes are online because of covid 19, i feel so overwhelmed with my work, like i have so many papers and projects all due in the same week and i feel mentally exhausted and just giving up. i honestly don't know how to deal with this, i was hoping you'd give me some advice? 😭

hello lovely! thank you, im glad you enjoy them, its whats they’re there for ;)

I’d be glad to give you some advice, i understand things are tough right now due to the virus, im obviously a uni student myself rn and i had to work out how to do everything so that i dont cry!

I think the first thing to approaching school is to first of all, take a step back and actually evaluate what it is you have to do - i’ve go 3 essays due the same week as well and the first thing i did was step back, look at the deadlines and then look at the time that i have, its very easy to just see deadlines and think “i have to do all of this right now or it wont get done” which is partly whats overwhelming you! my main factor to planning out work is to put the due day into my google calendar, and then look at the days you have and be realistic with how long it takes to do thing! i’ll write it down in the calendar that way i HAVE to do it. ALSO GIVE YOURSELF AT LEAST A DAY OR TWO BEFORE YOU START!!

It takes me 2-3 days to plan, write and edit an essay (1500-2000 words) and i keep that in mind when i plan, so ill typically dedicate time to each thing i have to do, with a 2-3 day gap in between them! so from today until the 28th, ill be working on an essay, and today specifically ill be making an essay plan and thats all ill do today!

ill plan my essay, breakdown the paragraphs and their contents, find key reading and then ill just leave it for the rest of the day, give your mind some time to process what it is you’re writing, and then tomorrow ill write! i typically do an hour of writing then 45 minute break, and i’ll do a paragraph in an hour! that way im not dedicating 9 hours to just starting at a word doc, im taking breaks inbetween! you’ll stress your mind out just focusing on one thing for hours on end! and after a few hours the essay is written and then ill leave it again!

then on the 28th, ill go in and grammar/word check it, make sure it makes sense and read it over and if i feel like it, ill submit it same day! then after ive done that essay, ill take a 2-3 rest and start something new, that way im not bogging my mind down with everything! it also helps to REFERENCE AS YOU GO PLEASE OMG it makes it so much easier, use a website like citethisforme and you’ll save about an hour!

it get its hard to apply yourself to doing the work in the first place when you’re stuck in the house, but what helps me is getting ready like its a normal day, getting out of pajamas and wearing real people clothes, maybe going for a quick walk outside and then coming back to start your work - that what you’re convincing yourself almost that you’re actually somewhere else and you start to feel a lot less cooped up!

im also someone who cant listen to “loud” music when im writing, so ill literally listen to it on the lowest volume i can still here so that my brain isnt focusing on something else while im trying to write!

here’s an example of what my calendar can look like (i cant show you my actual one since its got personal stuff on it but here’s a good example!):

also! its very important to practice some form of self-care in any break you get! I’m my 45 minute breaks between paragraphs ill make food, ill watch something, maybe write a little, ill talk to someone, ill sometimes just go out into the garden and look around! anything that isnt directly tied to the task im doing so that my break relaxes for a second!

in my longer breaks between days, ill dedicate my time to other things that i have to do or want to do; ill do some yoga, ill write, ill read, ill cook/bake!

Its very easy to just want to give up completely, and i completely understand that, but building a routine can really help you and understanding that you CAN do the work, you ARE capable, and that is IS doable; you just need to breathe and look at things a little differently, your own headspace can become uninhabitable so for a little while take a step out of that, and remember that you are a fully capable human and you have feelings! they can be tricky but once you understand how to manage them it gets better, you arent a bad person for wanting to just give up, you just need a little shove!

I hope this helps! obviously i’m not a professional, i’m just another person, but my own mental health struggles taught me to start doing things another way if i wanted to get better or otherwise im living in a head in which is not meant for living in!

I believe in you okay? and i know fine well that all the virus stuff is making all of us a bit stuck in a rut, we cant cure it but we can show it that we work with it - you’re fully capable and you’re going to do these assignments to the best of your ability!

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melalot · 6 years ago

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Confused

archive of our own link

8 Years Old

Lance was having recess outside in the school playground when he saw a group of kids circling around this boy. He noticed how all the students were quiet and very tuned interested in what one of his classmates had to say. He had never seen so many kids listen to someone this way, not even the teachers. Curiosity got the best of him so he trotted his way over to see what was grasping everyone's attention.

When he got close enough to hear the boy said, "And they told me they were gay!" Lance thought to himself. Gay? What does that mean?

Luckily enough another kid seemed to have the same question as him. "What is that? What does gay mean?"

The boy who was sharing this new word look at his classmate and began to explain.

"It's when two boys date, like a girl and a boy, do. But my mom told me it wasn't normal and that it wasn't okay."

Everyone's eyes went wide, they had never heard about two boys dating. Lance had never heard of this either, he doesn't even think much of dating, he's 8.

Before the conversation could continue the teachers started calling out to the students meaning that recess was over and instruction time was going to continue.

As Lance started getting in alphabet order to line up for class, he couldn't help but think about what he just heard.

It isn't natural the boy had said. It's not okay, the boy had continued.

And Lance thought to himself, why is it not?

xxxxxxxx

12 Years Old

Lance was in 6th grade now. While all the other kids went to a regular middle school, he went to attend the Galaxy Garrison. It was a school for those that wanted to be part of the space program.

Lance had always dreamed of becoming a fighter pilot and flying a space ship to Mars.

He got lucky enough to get into the Garrison, but even though it was a school to prepare you to go up into space, you still had to take the same curriculum you would normally take in a typical middle school.

And honestly, Lance appreciated that. He needed a sense of being normal. He needed work that wouldn’t be the same thing constantly and that it wouldn’t bore him. He also needed that sense to fit in with the outside world, and know more than just about space, he wanted to know how to live in the real world and real struggles.

Thinking about struggles, Lance remembered about his crush on Jenny. She was this girl in his grade with blonde hair and green eyes, she had small freckles plastered across her face and she just had the cutest laugh. Lance had gotten small crushes on other girls over the years, but those were ones that went away after a week. Lance had a crush on Jenny since the day he had laid eyes on her, and it hasn’t stopped.

Lance had tried using what his brother Marco had taught him about flirting. He even picked up some of his lines, and he didn’t think they were bad if he said so himself. But this new transition of puberty had started to take a toll on him.

A few weeks back, Lance was at the beach with some of his friends from the Garrison because they decided to head out there before the cold season came. And something about seeing his friends shirtless had really taken Lance aback. He started to stare, but once he realized he was staring, he tried to keep it cool. Just something about seeing them without a shirt sparked something in Lance that he didn’t know was possible. He blames puberty affecting a hormonal behavior onto him.

Now Lance had sort of the same experience in the locker room. He would try not to look at other guys and became rather uncomfortable and dreaded the days they had to change in the locker room. Lance was so scared of someone catching him stare, so Lance had found a solution which was to often stare at the ground and at his own shoes instead of paying attention to the others.

As he was about to finish tying the knot, he felt someone slide onto his bench on the left. He stopped the movement of his fingers and looked up to see who it was. It was a guy named Tim from his math class. They had talked a couple of times but not much, they usually had minimal conversations when training since they only knew each other in that class.

He tried for a smile. “Hey Tim, what’s up?”

Tim smiled, but his smile started to become rather uncomfortable.

“Hey Lance, I just wanted to ask you about something.”

“Sure, what is it?”

Tim’s head faced forward and he pointed at a boy with black hair and pale skin, though Lance could only see him from the back and couldn’t really tell who it was.

“Doesn’t it make you kind of uncomfortable?”

Lance was confused. “What would?”

Tim cleared his throat and looked around awkwardly, “You know…He’s gay and he is in the boys locker room, doesn’t it make you think he might try something?”

Oh my God.

Oh my god.

Lance couldn’t believe he was hearing this. As Lance grew older he had been more exposed to gay people and LGBT+ people in general. He had heard about kids not being accepted just because of who they loved, kids committing suicide, and kids being disowned by their families and rejected by others. He also heard about them being bullied.

Now he can’t believe he was experiencing it directly.

He wanted to tell the kid he is wrong for thinking that, and that he should mind his own business. But he felt like something was preventing him, and he didn’t know what. So instead he just looked at the boy and back at Tim.

“Nah, chill dude, just mind your own business and ignore him and nothing will happen.”

Lance finished tying his shoes and rushed over to the track field, he didn’t want to deal with this bullshit.

xxxxxxxx

13-14 Years Old

Lance had to complete and assignment for English class and it was an argumentative essay. He had to pick topics that would affect many people. So his teacher wanted them to tell her their topics today, or they could submit it in a note. Lance was in his dorm room and started searching for topics on the internet that he could use for his essay.

It was when he came across the LGBT+ section that something started to draw him in.

He looked to both sides of his room and the hallway to make sure no one was around. Once it was clear that no one would catch him, he clicked on the heading.

Doing this made Lance think back to the times he would watch YouTube videos of LGBT+ people. He liked learning about what they were going through and wanted to have somewhat of an understanding of what they go through so that maybe one day if someone needed it. He would have some sort of knowledge of what to expect.

But doing this also reminded Lance of how he would have multiple tabs open to switch tabs in case one of his parents or siblings saw his screen. Since his family mainly knew Spanish, they couldn’t really read what he was doing. But seeing something on a screen they probably would.

Lance hated that he felt like he was doing something wrong, and he was ashamed of it. It’s not that Lance was afraid of his family seeing this. He knew his family was perfectly accepting of everyone. But he couldn’t help but be scared about those few family members that seemed uncomfortable of the idea. He also didn’t want to give them the wrong idea that their son could be gay when he wasn’t.

Thinking back on this made Lance realize that maybe he shouldn’t do his topic on LGBT+ rights. So he exited the page and looked for a different topic.

xxxxxxx

Space

Over the course of the past few months, things had gone crazy.

To start off, Lance had gotten stuck in space with this blue lion along with Hunk, Pidge, Keith, and Shiro.

Then he saw an alien warship and wormholed to another planet, light years away from Earth.

After that, he met these 2 aliens on a castle ship, and he found out about this whole galactic war that could affect the whole universe.

And to say the least, after now being back on Earth after 5 years of not seeing his family or his home planet. He felt relief.

Well until other problems came up.

The war was over and they had defeated Haggar. The Garrison decided to cover them up with money since they fought and risked their lives to protect Earth.

But now Lance has personal problems.

You see, Lance is a very flirty guy. He had lots of crushes back in the Garrison like Jenny who he got over after a year and many other girls. And on space he flirted with aliens from left to right, being suave was his thing.

But being isolated in space made Lance realize a lot of things. One of them being that he is capable of having heart-wrenching feelings.

Lance knew he was a romantic guy, it was in his blood, but after so many years of flirting with girls and being rejected, he really didn’t think it would get anywhere. Plus they weren’t any major feelings either, so he decided to just keep up the act.

Until he met Princess Allura. Nobody could deny she was beautiful. Her crystal blue and purple eyes were so mesmerizing and her white poofy long hair was gorgeous. And above all she was a Princess that fought day and night in this war.

At first Lance just flirted with her because she was pretty. But then it got serious.

When he saw who Allura was in the inside he was drawn to who she was as a person. Lance started to fall hard.

He thought multiple times that maybe he should tell Allura about his feelings, but he always decided against it. That she probably wouldn’t take him seriously.

Allura found out anyway. The mice snitched. But Allura did not choose Lance in the end. She was after Lotor, and honestly, after a while, Lance realized that was who she was meant to be with, especially after he cleared up his past. They were made for each other.

Moving on was a process, but he managed to get through it. But Lance couldn’t help but think that something played a factor in making the process easier to get by.

Keith.

It was weird for Lance to think that Keith had a role in him moving on faster, but ever since Keith had come back to the team, Lance was taken upon the task of being his right hand and co-leader. So being focused on his missions helped a lot.

Or was it the missions?

Lance was in denial. And he knew it.

Even when Lance was moping over Allura, he had started to realize many things, and it wasn’t until Keith came back that he realized them.

Back when Lance was still a cadet at the Garrison, he had made up this rivalry with Keith. Keith didn’t really know Lance, and Lance knew that Keith never noticed him. But Lance was destined to score higher and to be better than the best pilot in his class.

So he made up this indirect rivalry, that he would talk about endlessly with Hunk. He even swore that he hated Keith.

But then Keith got booted from the Garrison. And honestly, it made Lance upset, but he tried not to show it. He doesn’t exactly know why he was upset, Keith was his rival, the one he swore he hated. He should have been happy that he took Keith’s spot now.

But lucky enough for him he got the chance when they rescued Shiro, and that is when Lance had made it obvious to Keith that he hated him.

Over time in space, Lance tried to let go out the act. He realized it was childish and that maybe instead he should try being Keith’s friend. If there was one thing about Lance it was this feeling he had about comforting others when they need it, and that’s what Lance did when Keith was distraught and stressed about Shiro disappearing.

When Shiro came back, Lance had noticed the one paladin too many issues and decided to talk about it with Keith because he was the current leader.

Or maybe it was because he saw Keith as a friend.

He shrugged it off.

Lance can admit that Keith is not the best person to talk to when you’re feeling down. But Lance still walked out of that room with a surge of emotions.

“And Lance. Leave the math, too Pidge.”

He couldn’t help but smile. Now Lance thought he could do this, he could be Keith’s friend.

But Keith left.

And reflecting on it now, Lance was devastated. He felt a void within him without Keith being there, without someone he can make fun of, without someone he can pick a fight with.

And Lance didn’t want to admit to himself, but he missed Keith.

Seeing Keith again after so many months boosted Lance’s mood, and he felt like he could be himself at the speed of a tick.

Keith rejecting his hug, made Lance sadder then it should have. And when Lance had some time to reflect on all that was happening. He started to question himself.

Do I like Keith?

No, I don’t. I’m straight, I like girls, and have only liked girls all my life.

But what if you do? A voice at the back of his mind said.

And Lance hated it, he started to cry. Ever since he was a kid there was this annoying voice that told Lance he was in denial about his feelings for guys. And no matter how many times Lance told that voice to shut up and assured himself that he only liked girls, it only came back that much faster, making it much harder to escape from it. And here it was again. Haunting him. And Lance didn’t know what to do this time. Could he really be into guys? Could he be into two polar opposite people at the same time?

Lance couldn’t think.

xxxxxxxx

Present

After thinking it through, Lance decided he should talk to Shiro. Taking it into account that the real Shiro was back, Lance knew Shiro might know somewhat of what he was going through.

He knew Shiro has a fiancé back on Earth named Adam. It was no secret in the Garrison that the record-breaking Takashi Shirogane was in love with a man.

So Lance knocked on Shiro’s door, taking in a deep breath. I can do this.

The door opened and Shiro’s eyes went wide in surprise.

“Lance? What brings you here?”

Lance gave him a nervous smile. “Hey Shiro, I hope you’re doing good. I was wondering if we can talk?”

Shiro rose his eyebrows up in surprise but directed Lance over to the couch of his office. Shiro set down some water for the both of them and made himself comfortable on the seat in front of Lance.

“So, what did you want to talk about?”

Anxiety started to kick in and his nerves were alarmed. Lance couldn’t believe he was doing this.

“Shiro I-“ Lance stared at the floor, not wanting to meet Shiro’s eyes.

C’mon Lance, just say it, spit it out.

Say you like guys.

But he couldn’t.

A tear started spilling out of Lance’s eye and his throat was closed up. He felt a weight of emotions on his chest that he wanted to leave but they just couldn’t.

“Woah! Lance! Buddy!” Shiro rushed over to Lance’s side and placed his left arm on Lance’s shoulder and rubbed it. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying? Did something happen?”

He couldn’t take it anymore.

“Shiro, what if…What if I like guys?”

More tears started to fall.

It took a few seconds before Shiro processed this new information, but then he finally found a way to put it into words.

“Is this new for you Lance?”

He nodded.

“Are you scared of your feelings?”

Water started filling up his eyes again, but he tried to hold them back and nodded.

“Do you have a problem with people of the same gender liking each other?”

“No!” Lance sobbed. “I-I don’t really know, I’ve always been accepting of others and I believed in equal rights for everyone and that gays should be happy! And I-I don’t know why…Why I’m so scared of these feelings when it comes to me having them. I’ve always liked girls, only girls, I grew up around people that weren’t accepting of it, even though my own family was accepting of it, I’ve been terrified my whole life, Shiro!”

Shiro tried to speak but Lance cut him off, the words kept vomiting out of his mouth.

“I started looking back on my past life, to see if there were any clues leading up to me feeling this way, and there were so many. I’ve been in denial my whole life because I’ve been so scared of what people would think of me. And I know its stupid and that I shouldn’t give a fuck, but I can’t help but think how uncomfortable others would be around me and I can’t help knowing I’m making someone feel that way because of who I like. This annoying voice in the back of my head keeps haunting me Shiro and I want it to stop! Please! How do I make it stop Shiro? How do I stop being so scared? How do I stop being so scared of my own feelings? I tried everything Shiro, I tried being straight, I tried flirting with girls, I-I made dumb rivalries up. God just, please. What if I go to hell for this?”

Lance couldn’t say any more, he had let it all out. He thinks he even let out about his crush on Keith but he doesn’t care, his feelings are out and he doesn’t know if he feels relieved or scared.

Once Lance settled down Shiro started to talk.

“Listen, Lance. I know this is hard, and not everyone is going to be accepting of this. And everyone accepts themselves at their own time. But you Lance? You’re really strong for keeping this in for so long. You’ve been in denial your whole life, there is no secret about it. But your ways of coping with it weren’t smart. You’ve been supportive and accepting of everyone else, its time you do the same for yourself. You should have just let yourself feel.”

Let yourself feel.

Those words rang in Lance’s head, and he didn’t think he could cry anymore but here he was, breaking down into tears. He hugged Shiro and sobbed on his shoulder. He apologized for being such a mess, but Shiro only supported him.

And suddenly, Lance remembered why he considered Shiro his hero back at the Garrison. He was openly gay and a record-breaking pilot. He was always so brave and owned who he was every single day. And every time Lance had strived to be just like that.

It was only now that Lance found out exactly why he wanted to be like that, and he sobbed even harder.

When Lance stopped crying, he drank some of the water Shiro had given him and tried to clam down.

He looked at Shiro and smiled. He made a good choice talking to Shiro.

“So Lance.”

“Yeah?”

A smirk was forming on Shiro’s face. “So what is this rivalry you made up with someone?”

And Lance couldn’t help but laugh. He began talking about Keith. He felt himself get lighter and lighter as he let this out.

But Lance finally understood now, even if it would take him some time, he knew what he had to do now.

Let yourself feel.

#confused #klance #closeted lance #lance #lance mcclain #fan fic #should i continue?#part 2?#bi lance #bisexual lance #voltron #vld

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rkiverse · 7 years ago

Text

we find love | 1

Summary: In a fixed, black and white-filtered world, you find your soulmate through color. All the places they’ve been to and all the things they’ve touched gain color. But the only problem is, everything you see starts to gain color at a faster rate the moment you hit nineteen. And before you could even figure out or find who your soulmate is, the whole world is already engulfed in color. Beware, though, when you start to fall out of love for your soulmate, the colors disappear, and you wouldn’t even know.

Genre: soulmate!au, idol!verse, fluff and angst!

Word Count: 8.7K+

Warning(s): just swearing!

A/N: I know I said I was going to post for the follow-up series but that didn’t quite end up happening. I will have it done, though! Just wanted to let you know since you guys have been waiting for it. But for the meantime, please settle for this and my love~

[There is a timeline throughout this story. The month and year are in bold and italics. In addition, the time setting does not change unless stated!]

You were nineteen when you saw color for the first time.

You remember the occurrence so vividly. After being dismissed from classes, you made your way to the cafe shop to buy some coffee and to work on some essays. Soon enough, the moment you sat down with your fresh cup of coffee, the cafe shop slowly started to gain its color. You let out a soft gasp as a hint of red seeped through the glass of your mug. A smile spread across your lips and never seemed to leave. But you had no idea how fast your world was changing color until you hit twenty-years young.

At twenty-years of age, Hongdae was flashing with bright-colored neon lights and lit-up billboards, and you have never felt so disappointed to see so many colors in just one day. With endless crowds of people flowing in and out of Hongdae, the probability of finding your soulmate was ultimately low.

You’re hitting twenty-two years of age, and almost everything you see is now engulfed in color. From yellow umbrellas to cozy, warm-toned libraries, you were slowly starting to miss the times where your vision was still filtered in black and white.

While all your friends went out on dates with their soulmates, you’d sulk up in your sadness with the company of your couch and a bag of chips. Sometimes, if you were feeling a bit sadder than usual, you’d top it all off with a tub of ice cream. Whenever soulmates would become the topic of a conversation, they’d all turn to you and ask about your progress in finding them.

And all you could do is shrug your shoulders in reply, with a feeling of sadness still pondering in your heart. They just have no idea.

Year: May 2016

“You’re bored already? We’ve only been on the highway for ten minutes.”

Taehyung glances up at Jungkook who’s looking down at him. Taehyung pauses his anime and pulls out his earphones. “Wanna watch with me?”

“Sure,” Jungkook mumbles and plops down next to him, grabbing one earphone to plug into his ear.

The two of them slowly immerse themselves in the episode before something catches Taehyung in the corner of his eye. He looks out the window to see a bright yellow mascot dancing in front of a store. His heart skips a beat at the sight of his first color; yellow.

“Hyung, are you okay? You look pale.”

He tears his gaze from the mascot that’s now getting smaller and smaller as the car continues its way on the highway. Glancing at the younger one, he nods his head before feeling his lips turn up into a huge smile.

“Yellow,” he whispers. “The mascot was yellow.”

“Was that your first color?” The younger one questions and Taehyung nods his head in reply. “How did it look like?”

Taehyung smiles to himself, plugging an earphone back into his ear and just before he unpauses the episode, he mumbles, “beautiful.”

Taehyung grew up hearing stories about seeing color for the first time, and the myth behind it. But as he grew older and older, it was all starting to make sense; the myth was the reality. Some of the trainees back at BigHit would ramble on and on and seem to be at a loss for words when they see their first color. Sometimes it’d be a blue or a purple, but Taehyung would never know, his vision was still filtered black and white.

The first member of the group who saw color for the first time was Jimin. He remembers the day Jimin came home with a pale face and shaking hands. A beautiful light blue, he said. Ever since then, Taehyung was determined to see his first color in the hopes of finally meeting his soulmate.

“Wouldn’t it be such a burden for your soulmate, though?” Namjoon chuckles, for he has seen the color pink for the first time a few months back.

“What do you mean?” Taehyung asks and the latter shrugs his shoulders.

“We’re about to go on a world tour, we’ve been almost everywhere in South Korea,” he replies, “wouldn’t that only mean that your soulmate now sees everything in color?”

“True,” Jungkook mumbles. “That sucks. I bet they’ll have a harder time than us.”

“Did Taehyung already see his first color?” Jimin pipes in. “What’d you see?”

“Yellow,” he replies.

“Ah, the bright, beautiful yellow.” Jimin beams at him, “the best part is when you can walk into a store that’s flashing right back at you with every color you could possibly see.”

Taehyung could only smile softly at his best friend before tearing his gaze away from him and back to the road. The boys give each other knowing looks when they leave Taehyung all alone at the back of the tour bus, staring off into the distance with a clouded mind.

Year: May 2016

“Have you finished typing up your essay?”

Glancing up from your laptop screen, you see your roommate, Eunha, looking at you with a questioning look while munching on her mini carrots. Simply nodding your head, she only rolls her eyes at you. While you were the brightest out of the two of you, she still manages to hand things in on time and receive an average grade in return.

“Of course you’ve finished,” she mutters, “why do I even have to ask you?”

“I just like having things done early,” you say softly, smiling at her. “Are you almost done?”

She lets out a laugh before staring you straight in the eye. “Barely.”

“You should get started on it, it’s due in about—” you begin and cut yourself off by glancing at the clock reading 2:03 AM, “three days.”

“But you know what else is in three days?” She questions with a sly smirk spreading across her lips. You frown and she gapes at you. “Are you actually joking?”

“I’m being serious,” you chuckle. “What else in three days? What else happens to fall on the same day that our essays are due which by the way, you’ve barely started on.”

“Bangtan,” she smiles goofily. “Bangtan is having their concert at the Olympic Gymnastics Arena.”

“Bangtan?”

“Are you fucking kidding me—”

“Okay, I’m kidding.” You laugh, “so I’m guessing you’re going to ditch your responsibilities and go to the concert instead?”

“Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!” She exclaims while pointing at you with her fingers. “My boyfriend and I are going, he insisted on coming whether he liked it or not.”

You feel your smile falter at the mention of a significant other. Right, I still haven’t found you, yet. Eunha notices how you suddenly grow quiet and she walks over to your bed, plopping down right beside you. She’s the only one that knows your struggles whenever it came this whole shitty soulmate world because she’s already been there, and she’s done that. But now that she’s found her soulmate, she has left you all alone in the cold, all by yourself, still looking... still searching.

“Do you wanna come with us?” She asks and you shake your head.

“I’d rather submit my essay, besides, if you somehow miraculously finish your essay on the day of, I’ll hand it in for you.” You smile and she reaches out to pinch your cheeks.

“I’ll try to have it done before the day of unless you help me out, English major!”

While she’s still pinching your cheeks, you stop giggling when the sight of a bright pink on Eunha’s bracelet starts to seep through. You furrow your eyebrows in confusion, holding her arms and pulling them away from you. As you reach out for her bracelet, you bring it closer to your eyes to get a better look of the pink cherry blossoms covered all over the band.

“Are you okay?” She questions and you look at her with glassy eyes.

“Where’d you get this?” You whisper.

“It’s the official merchandise for Bangtan’s concert. I bought it online, straight from the official shop.” She replies. “Why?”

“Oh,” you mumble before placing it back on her wrist. “Nevermind.”

Eunha laughs at you and ruffles your hair. You sigh, grabbing your laptop and opening up the final draft of your essay. Eunha’s laughs die down and she tries to get a good look at you.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

You look back up at her while nodding your head. Although your teary eyes were telling her otherwise, you didn’t need to bother telling her what you were truly feeling as you suddenly burst out into tears. She pulls you into a tight embrace and it’s almost as if she just knows. Because she truly does.

“You’ll find him, you just have to be patient.” She whispers, combing her fingers through your hair.

This was the problem when it came to finding your soulmate. While almost all of your friends, especially your best friend Eunha, have found their soulmates, here you were, still looking for yours. On top of that, your soulmate was making it extremely difficult since everything you’ve seen came back to life through colors.

“You’ll find him, and when you do, you’ll be the happiest girl on earth.”

Year: November 2016

“Taehyung-ah, do you mind running to the coffee shop and getting me an iced americano?”

And out he goes with nothing but a fall jacket, a face mask, and his wallet. Out on a search for a local coffee shop, he finally stops in his tracks when he spots one down the road. Unknowingly, he enters the coffee shop that’s filled with cool, autumn tones of orange, red and brown.

“Hi, what can I get you for today?”

He smiles at the barista and replies, “I’ll get a small, iced americano—”

He stops mid-sentence when he realizes the barista is wearing a strong red apron. The barista looks at him awkwardly, noticing how he’s been staring straight at her apron for too long. He finally snaps out of it, smiling apologetically at the barista.

“Yes, sorry, I’ll have a small iced americano.”

He pays the barista and obtains his change. While he waits for Yoongi’s drink, he takes his time observing the shop. From the brick walls to the tables, he could only laugh to himself. He was seeing a ton of colors for the first time, all combined to bring a dull coffee shop back to life. It truly was amazing. It was moments like these where he’d let time freeze to admire the beauty of color, to admire the thought of his own soulmate. Jimin was right.

He comes back to the practice room with a huge smile spread across his lips. The boys look at him funnily but Taehyung’s too busy being absorbed by his own thoughts.

“You look like an idiot,” Yoongi rolls his eyes with a gummy smile.

“Today’s going to be a good day,” Taehyung says softly.

“Of course it’s going to be a good day,” Jungkook scoffs, “it’s our third Muster!”

“I bet he saw another color,” Jimin grins.

“I did.”

“You did?” Jin asks and Taehyung nods.

“The whole coffee shop was in color, I saw browns, reds, oranges, and the color that stood out to me was a woman’s purple laptop.” Taehyung rambles.

“Let’s just hope that your soulmate somehow attends tonight,” Jungkook teases, “it’ll be easier to find her.”

Taehyung’s smile falls and it’s replaced with a frown. He shakes his head at the younger one, and the boys look at him with concern. “She can’t see me like this.”

“What do you mean? If she sees you tonight, it’ll be special for her—”

“She can’t see me up there on stage, she just can’t.” He explains, “I’ve made things harder for her, and the fact that just finding her is much easier than her finding me, it hurts.”

They were all still in the same phase as he was, still looking, and yet, they haven’t found anyone. They all knew the consequences of being an idol with a soulmate. Out of a sea of fans to even finding them through their power of fame, they were the lucky ones.

The boys don’t protest or express their opinions. Instead, they go on with their pre-concert preparations while Taehyung plops himself onto a chair to get his makeup done.

Year: March 2017

“Is everything all set?”

Your parents look at you with teary eyes, still holding onto your suitcase and carry-on. Letting out a soft chuckle, you nod your head for the nth time. Your mother has asked you the same exact question for the past twenty minutes. Meanwhile, your father was silent throughout the whole drive to the airport.

“It’s just an internship abroad, mom, I’m not gonna stay there forever.” You tease and she sniffs, wiping away her tears with some tissues. “Besides, I’ll skype call you every now and then.”

“But you’ll be gone for six months,” she mumbles sadly. “That’s a long time.”

“Not too long, I’ll be back before you even know it.” You reassure her. “And this is really important to me.”

“Do your best for us, okay?” You nod with a small smile spread across your lips.

You were thankful that your parents had supported your career path. Most of your friends were still med school, while you were busy writing essays and articles. You were different from all of them, and yet, your parents supported your passion in English. You were even more thankful when you received a once in a lifetime internship in the US, and your parents were nothing but proud.

“You better go to your terminal before you miss your flight,” your dad insists.

“I’ll see you guys later, alright?” You grin and your parents start waving you goodbye.

As you start walking through the airport, you suddenly stop to stare at the walls. The walls began to brighten into greens and oranges. Soon enough, the duty-free stores were enhancing into bright colors of pink and purple. Your head began to feel as if though it was spinning at how the airport was coming back to life in color. Your soulmate is here. Or has been. It’s one of the two.

Gulping nervously, you shake off your thoughts and continue on with your life. Heading towards some of the duty-free shops, you glance down at your clock and realize you have a few hours to kill before your flight. Sighing to yourself, you walk into Gucci.

“Taehyung-ah, I asked for an iced cappuccino, not an iced americano.”

Namjoon groans, grabbing the beverage anyways and taking his first sip of caffeine for the day. The boys were already lounging in the terminal, munching on some sandwiches they bought from a nearby sandwich shop at the food court.

“When’s our flight again?”

“We have four hours to kill,” Jin replies and Taehyung glances at Jimin with a smile beginning to spread across his lips. “Yah, I swear if you guys use this time to go—”

“We’ll be back! We’re going duty-free shopping!” Taehyung and Jimin exclaim, scurrying away before Jin could scold them.

“So, what’s our first stop?” Jimin asks.

“Gucci,” he replies.

“Why did I even have to ask?”

The two of them speedwalk to the Gucci shop right across from them. As Taehyung enters the shop, he bows at the workers and starts to scan throughout the shop for something he’ll purchase.

Walking to the tie section, he glances at the ones he hasn’t bought yet. Suddenly, he sees a hand reach out to grab a tie from the rack and he feels his heart stop. The tie suddenly enhances into a flashing red, and the tiger imprinted on the tie itself was turning into an orange. As his eyes divert from the tie, his eyes fall upon a woman standing just about a meter away from him.

He stares at you while you’re checking the price, wincing at the number of digits a simple tie would cost. He could only smile to himself at your dorkiness. The store suddenly lights up in all beautiful colors. He’s found you.

“Taehyung-ah, have you found anything yet?”

He snaps out of his trance and turns towards Jimin who’s standing a few meters away with a new bomber jacket. He shakes his head in reply, “actually, I’ve been meaning to buy something, I still have to look for it, though.”

He turns away from Jimin and realizes you’re gone, leaving the tie back on the rack. His eyes scan throughout the store and he spots you looking at the belts and its respected prices. Glancing back at the tie, he pulls it off from the rack.

“Wow, nice choice!” Jimin exclaims.

He nods his head in agreement. Although his heart was swelling at the thought of you, he only realizes that you’re still oblivious. He frowns, hiding the tie behind his back and carefully preventing himself from touching anything else in the store. He couldn’t do this to you. You were so easy to spot, and yet, you have no idea who he was. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to keep it that way.

He wanted his presence to be a surprise to you. He didn’t want you to meet him at a Gucci shop, at an airport, or even at one of his concerts. He wanted you to meet him when he was ready; when he was Kim Taehyung and not V.

“You look tense, are you okay?” Jimin asks by placing a hand on his shoulder. Taehyung stiffens at his touch and nods his head with a timid smile.

“I just... don’t want to touch anything. I’ll cash this out, alright? I’ll see you outside the store.” Taehyung insists before heading towards the check-out line.

Jimin frowns, watching his best friend swerve through people and articles of clothing with careful movements. Just by his movements, Jimin knew it meant one thing and one thing only; he just spotted his soulmate.

Year: September 2017

“I can’t believe you’re back, honey.”

You laugh when your mother pulls you into a tight hug. While your father was busy putting all your suitcases and souvenirs into the trunk of the car, you pull away from your mother and smile.

“I told you it wouldn’t be that long,” you roll your eyes. “Besides, I have good news for you.”

“What is it, honey?” She questions.

“I got an email from a huge entertainment company and they’re asking me to work for them,” you explain, “they’re going to be paying me a ton for my work.”

“Entertainment company? Why an entertainment company?” Your father pipes in as you all get into the car.

“BigHit, does it sound familiar?” You ask.

“Ah, the famous entertainment that houses that boy group, what are they called again? Bangtan, was it?” You nod your head in reply.

“They sent me an email asking me to work for them and help the boys in that group to learn how to speak English. They’re getting pretty popular worldwide, and they told me they were going to pay me big bucks.”

“So, you’re basically going to be their English tutor?”

“Yeah, but they also told me that I would be translating their YouTube videos, some blog posts, I’m basically going to do all the English-related work.”

“When did they ask you to start?” Your father asks and looks at you through the mirror.

“They told me to start as soon as possible since the boys have to do their promotions. They just released a new album. Right after their promotions, they’re back on tour.” You explain. “And apparently they’re going back to America for the AMAs.”

“Now I see why they need you,” your mother grins. “I remember when they were at the Billboard Music Awards and their leader was translating and everything.”

“Maybe that’s why they hired me.”

“Since you’re going to back to work soon, do you mind getting Namjoon to sign my album?” Your mother pleads.

“Mom, are you kidding me?”

“Boys, you’ll be getting a new addition to the team from now on.”

“Is it a new makeup artist?” Jungkook asks and the boys snicker.

“No, Jungkook.” PD-nim rolls his eyes. “It’s going to be—”

“A new stylist?” Jimin gasps. “They’re all very good stylists and—”

“Let me finish,” he says sternly and the boys straighten up their postures. “I got you guys an English teacher and translator, she’ll be coming along with you on your future promotions.”

“Sweet,” Namjoon nods his head, “I don’t need to translate anymore, and she can teach the boys.”

“Great,” PD-nim smiles, “prepare yourselves and give her a good impression, she’ll be arriving today in about an hour, do you understand me?”

“Yes,” they all say in unison.

The boys continue on practicing their performances. When a minute turns into an hour, the boys gather together at the corner of the room to munch on some lunch. Suddenly, PD-nim enters the room.

“She’s here, would you all mind introducing yourselves to her?”

As you slowly enter the room, the boys are still scurrying to stand up in a line. You’ve been nervous ever since you stepped into the building. You’ve noticed that the whole building was in color, the trainees were wearing such vibrant pieces of clothing, and the littlest things like a small, black Teacup Pomeranian with brown streaks wandering down the hallway.

When you’re finally face-to-face with the boys, they bow to you and do their usual greeting. You smile genuinely at them, noticing how they’re breathless and sweaty.

“Nice to meet you all, I’m (Y/N). Let’s hope we’ll get along perfectly from now on.” You say and they’re all staring at you in awe.

“Wow, your English is so good.” One of them says. You glance at him and notice how he’s wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans. “Please teach me your ways, noona.”

They were all standing right before you in color. Your soulmate probably works here. Heck, your soulmate probably works with them every day. Your eyes scan each member, one by one, until your eyes fall upon the last one standing in line. He had silver, platinum hair. He looks at you as if you’re a ghost, and all you could do is let out a giggle. He tilts his head in confusion.

“Are you okay?” You ask in Korean and he points to himself, and you nod.

“I-I’m okay, just a little bit tired—”

“A little bit flustered.” Another one cuts him off, and when he smiles, his eyes turn into beautiful crescents. “Just a little.”

“Should we treat her out on her first day? I know we’ve just started eating lunch but I know a really good place for barbeque.” Jin suggests.

As you reach the restaurant, you and the seven boys sit all together at a table. While waiting for the food, one of them clears their throat. Glancing at him, he smiles at you, flashing his dimples.

“I think we should all introduce ourselves since we’ll be working quite closely with each other from now on,” he insists, “I’m Namjoon, the leader. I’m the only one that knows how to speak English.”

“Oh, you’re the one my mother likes—” You suddenly say only to clamp your mouth shut before embarrassing yourself. “I mean, she just... admires you.”

He lets out a laugh and the boys continue on with their introductions.

“Hi noona, I’m Jungkook,” the guy with the white t-shirt says, “I’m the youngest.”

“Jin! I’m the oldest,” you nod your head.

“For now, you won’t see me often, I’m mostly in the studio working on some songs for the album. Until then, I’m Yoongi, nice to meet you.”

“I’m Jimin! I really want to learn how to speak English, it’s quite difficult to have a conversation with international fans.”

“We’ll work on that, Jimin-ssi.” You smile and he gives you two thumbs up.

“I’m Hoseok, and there’s no need for formalities, treat us as if we’re your friend!”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” you giggle.

Suddenly the boys are silent, looking at the last member of the group sitting right across from you. You look at him with an encouraging smile and it seems as if though he’s having trouble looking at you. When he does, you feel your heart stop at how handsome he looked.

“I’m Taehyung,” he smiles genuinely, “I hope we can all become great friends in the future.”

“Great!” Namjoon exclaims. “(Y/N)-ssi—”

“Yah, what did I say about the formalities? I thought we were all gonna be friends,” Hoseok whines. “(Y/N), are you okay with dropping the formalities?”

You nod your head, “I’m fine with that, actually, I think I prefer it that way.”

“Alright then,” Namjoon nods his head, “(Y/N), tell us about yourself.”

“Well,” you begin, “I was born and raised in Seoul. I went to school and found a passion in English. Surprisingly enough, I was the only one amongst my peers who was pretty intelligent in English.”

“So, I’m assuming you pursued an English major in university?” Yoongi asks.

You nod your head. “Right. I went to university and I graduated with honors. I was offered an internship for the New York Times for six months. Then before I came back home once my internship ended, your company called me and asked me to work for you. I agreed, and now, here I am.”

“Wow, and how old are you?” Jimin says in aw.

“I’m almost twenty-two.”

“We’re the same age!” Taehyung exclaims out of nowhere and the boys look at him with bewildered gazes. “I mean—it’s nice that we’re all around the same age, it makes it easier for all of us to get along.”

You look at Taehyung who’s finally looking straight at you. He courageously smiles, and you can’t help but return it.

“Tae, you’re acting really weird today,” Jungkook smirks.

“Today’s just a great day,” he explains with his gaze still focused on you.

It’s almost promotion time, and the boys are seriously locking themselves up in the studio and in the dance rehearsal room. Whenever they weren’t in the studio or the rehearsal room, they were all busy learning English with you. PD-nim had suggested that you’d spend the first week teaching all of them as a group, and the following week changes to one-on-one lessons.

You’re still a bit skeptical at how everything in the building was in color. But with your busy schedules, you don’t have the time to search. However, you’re a bit comfortable with the fact that your soulmate could be just around the corner, and fate will grant you your reward if you were patient enough.

“Today, I have a one-on-one lesson with—”

“Me!” You look up from your agenda to see Taehyung raising his hand.

“Great! I guess there’s no need for my planner,” you chuckle.

“Your planner is really pretty,” he says softly, but his eyes slightly widen and he clears his throat. “I mean, I don’t really know what it truly looks like... from the looks of it, I think it’s really pretty.”

You look at him confusedly and giggle. “Thanks?”

Taehyung follows you down the hallway and internally scolds himself for almost blowing his cover. Your planner was a bright yellow, just like the first color he saw. As the two of you enter into an empty rehearsal room, you both take seats at the corner. When you’re both finally settled and ready to start, you look at Taehyung with a reassuring smile.

“Can I ask you something?” He questions and you hum in reply. “What’s your favorite color?”

You’re taken aback by his sudden thought, and you shrug your shoulders.

“Yellow,” you mumble. “I’ve seen a lot of colors, but... yellow is my favorite color of them all.”

“Ah,” he nods his head, “if you don’t mind me asking, I know we’re not close but, have you ever—have you found your soulmate?”

Placing your notebook aside, you shake your head at him. “Nope.”

He nods his head, almost as if he understood exactly how you felt. You smile timidly, and before he could ask any other follow-up questions, you sigh softly.

“But that’s a story for another time,” you mumble.

“I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable,” he apologizes.

“Don’t worry about it,” you purse your lips into a tight line, “it’s been this way since I was nineteen.”

Taehyung watches you as you pick up your notebook and flip to the brand new lesson you have to teach him. While his notebook is already in his hands, he begins to flip to a fresh, blank page. Suddenly, he looks up when he hears you mumble.

“What’s your favorite color?”

Your eyes meet his and he feels his heart begin to break. I can’t tell you, not yet.

“Yellow.”

Year: November 2017

In just a few months, you’ve developed quite close friendships with the boys. You and Yoongi share a bond when it came to soulmates. Yoongi sees the world in full color, and he assumes that his soulmate has traveled all around the world. Thus, resulting in witnessing almost every color he could possibly see. His favorite color is purple for it flashed right before him in the form of a lavender flower.

You and Hoseok also share a bond when it came to soulmates. He has never seen a color yet, and sometimes he envies the other members who have already discovered their first color. However, he could only feel sympathy for you the moment you told him that your love life is just as difficult as his. Thus, you both share a bond so special that you could consider him as an older brother.

You and Jimin grew closer through English. He’s the most dedicated and curious among them all whenever it came to learning the language. Through lessons, the two of you could finally have a conversation in English.

Jungkook, however, grew closer to you through fashion. He’d even jokingly say that you’re his ideal type and wishes you were his soulmate. However, he had discovered his soulmate at a nearby internet cafe and hasn’t seen her since. He wishes that he’d gather up the courage to finally search for her, even if it’d take a billion walk-ins at an internet cafe in Seoul.

You and Seokjin share a love for food. You often go out together for lunch to munch on some new food discoveries. Whenever a new cafe or a new restaurant would open, the both of you immediately plan on going. When the plans follow through, the both of you can be found eating endlessly and commenting on how perfect the food is. You’re also the only staff member that gets scolded for making Jin eat a bit too much. However, Jin always reassures you that you are not the one to blame, in fact, he’s thankful that he can finally talk passionately about food to someone who wouldn’t think he was weird.

You and Taehyung, however, share a bond only through the color yellow. Funny as it seems, the both of you never really hung out or spoke to each other. The only exception was your one-on-one lessons with him. However, with his mysteriousness, you have made it a duty for you to break such tension or awkwardness that’s stopping the both of you from becoming friends.

And that seemed to have worked the moment your eyes laid upon a familiar red Gucci tie.

“That’s a nice tie,” you began and he looks at you through the mirror. “I remember seeing it for the first time at Gucci’s duty-free shop at the airport.”

“Did you buy it?” He asks and you shake your head in reply.

“I didn’t actually know what color it was,” you shrug your shoulders, “and I didn’t want to get my father a tie that’s worth my student debt.”

Taehyung chuckles. “I actually bought this because of my soulmate.”

“Oh?” You ask.

“Just letting you guys know that you have an interview in half an hour for Unicef, please prepare yourselves.”

The both of you glance at their manager then back at each other.

“I remember walking into Gucci and it was the first thing I saw, luckily enough, it was in color. I decided to purchase it.” He explains.

“It’s nice to know that it’s red,” you giggle.

Once he finishes tying it to his collar, he turns around and faces you.

“How do I look?”

“You look great,” you reply, pouting, “now I wish I got it for my father, it looks like it’ll suit him.”

He frowns, and suddenly he turns back around to face the mirror. He’s slowly taking off the tie and you furrow your eyebrows in confusion. Once the tie is off his collar, he turns back around and hands you the tie.

“Take it. Give it to your father, he’ll love it.”

Your eyes widen. “T-Taehyung, this is yours. I can’t take it.”

“Why not?” He frowns.

“This is special to you. Your soulmate touched it. It’s your bond to your soulmate, I don’t want you to lose such connection.” You explain and he simply shrugs his shoulders.

“It doesn’t matter. I already have a connection with her.” He smiles reassuringly, “I’ve already found her.”

After their interview with Unicef, the boys decided to go back to the dorm to get some rest. However, Taehyung stays behind with you.

“Are you sure you don’t want to get some rest? It’s been a rough day.” You say with concern and Taehyung shakes his head.

“I want to show you something,” he insists.

And somehow the both of you are strolling around the streets of Seoul. With a face mask and a thick hoodie covering his identity, not a single fan seemed to have noticed him. You were quite thankful. It’s been a rough day and the last thing you want is the both of you getting mobbed.

He stops in front of a store that has a mascot dancing in front of the entrance doors. He pulls out his camera and takes a quick picture.

“Remember when I said my favorite color is yellow?” You nod your head. “It was the first color I saw, and it was on this mascot.”

You watch him stare at the mascot lovingly. Your heart was feeling some type of emotions that you couldn’t describe, and you couldn’t help but smile at Taehyung.

“Ever since then, I started to see more and more things in color.” He smiles.

“At least you found her,” you shrug your shoulders. “I haven’t found mine yet.”

His smile turns into a frown. “Why not?”

You sigh. “Let’s go to a cafe shop I love going to, and maybe we can talk there?”

The two of you walk to the cafe in silence. Every now and then he would look at you to make sure you were okay, but he couldn’t read your emotions. As you both arrive at the cafe and order your drinks, you both take a seat at a booth.

“This is my favorite cafe shop too!” He exclaims and you give him a timid smile.

After a couple more moments of silence, you clear your throat.

“The first color I saw was red,” you say with a small smile. “It was this mug, actually. Then slowly the whole cafe transformed into all its colors.”

You take a sip of your coffee. “I was just nineteen. I was excited, happy, but then somehow everything started to gain color. When I turned twenty, most of my vision was in color. The places I’d go to were places my soulmate already went to. The cities I’d travel to were cities my soulmate traveled to.”

“And you haven’t met them yet?” You shake your head.

“My friends did, and they found them when we were all still in university. By the time I turned twenty-one, not only was I the only one who was still single, but it seemed like my soulmate has been everywhere you could possibly be.”

“It must be hard for you.” He mumbles.

“It is hard. It hurts too. It’s hard when you can step out of the house and everything you see is in color. It hurts when you can’t identify who your soulmate is because at this point, it can be anyone.”

He feels his heart shatter. The fact that he’s making you suffer hurts him. But he has his own reasons. He doesn’t want you to find out this way, he doesn’t want you to find out now for it is not the right time.

“I wish I could relate to you,” he frowns, “but I can’t.”

“You don’t need to,” you laugh, “you wouldn’t want to have a hard time finding your soulmate, it’s a pain in the ass.”

“But I feel bad,” he says.

“If it makes you feel better, I think my soulmate works at the company.” He raises an eyebrow. “On my first day, the building was already in color. I feel like I’m one step closer.”

“T-That sounds great,” he smiles. “I hope you find him soon.”

You nod your head. “Me too.”

When he takes a sip of his drink, you grin at him. “Tell me more about your soulmate.”

Taehyung almost chokes on his drink but he clears his throat. “She’s—She’s from one of the girl groups... Red Velvet.”

“Oh, really?” You gasp. “I hope it’s Joy, the both of you would look good together!”

Taehyung could only fake a smile, nodding his head gently.

Not yet. Just not yet.

“The sky is so blue!”

You and the boys have just landed in America for the American Music Awards. You have never seen a large number of fans gathered at the airport just to welcome them into the country. As for your mother, she’s still scolding you for not having Namjoon sign her album yet.

“Your so lucky, you can even see the sky’s color.” Hoseok pouts until he bumps into one of the flight attendants. Suddenly, he grows pale.

The boys glance at him with concern. Hoseok stares at the flight attendant, and the both of them are frozen. You look at Taehyung who flashes you a warm smile.

“What the actual fuck,” Hoseok whispers and the flight attendant blushes. The flight attendant looks like she hasn’t been to America, for the uniform she wore was for an airline in Europe.

“I think you spoke a bit too soon, Hoseok-ah,” Namjoon laughs and the flight attendant scurries away to get to her terminal.

“I can’t believe he’d find her right away,” Jungkook chuckles.

“That was so magical,” Hoseok says while in a daze.

“Funny how she’s probably wondering why the whole airport was in color, only to bump into you and realize her scarf was turning into a color as well.”

“Her scarf is blue, just like the sky.” Hoseok smiles.

“Boys, we have to get the car right now.”

You and the boys rush over through the crowds of fans towards the van parked outside. As you all hop into the car, you all let out sighs of relief.

“I thought I was going to be left out,” you jokingly say. “You guys are so popular.”

“Are you guys ready? Nervous?”

The boys look at you and they nod their head nervously. You sigh, before giving them individual hugs. While some of them are practicing their vocals, Taehyung seems to be stuck in a daze.

“You okay?” He nods his head.

“I’m scared I’ll mess up.” He whispers.

“You won’t. You’ll do well. This is just the beginning.”

Surprisingly, he courageously looks up at you and you’ve never had him look at you that way until now. His eyes were piercing right through yours, as if he was looking straight into your soul. His eyelashes batted once, twice, and soon enough, you were getting lost in his brown orbs.

“(Y/N), I have to tell you something later—”

“Boys, we have to bring you up to the stage now.” One of the producers cuts him off and the boys start to gather around and start to head to the stage.

As you follow along with the rest of the staff to watch them from backstage, the boys finally reach the stairs towards the stage. Taehyung turns around to look at you and you give him two thumbs up.

Suddenly, a producer is rushing past them with equipment and you see her bracelet accidentally fall off her wrist. Taehyung notices the bracelet falling off and he picks it up from the ground, handing it back to the producer.

“Excuse me, you dropped this,” Taehyung says in English but you’re too distracted by the bracelet to notice his improvement.

“Oh, thank you so much!” The producer smiles and grabs her bracelet, placing it back on her wrist before scurrying away to finish her duties.

You feel your blood turn cold, but you immediately snap out of it when the boys start heading onto the stage.

When the song starts to play, you mutter, “excuse me.”

“Yah, (Y/N)-ah! Where are you going? Are you not going to watch their performance?”

You push past your co-workers and lock yourself up into the nearest washroom. Breaking down into tears, you can’t believe what had just encountered in front of your own eyes.

The moment Taehyung made contact with the bracelet, it turned orange.

Staring at the red tie hanging on a rack in your hotel room with nothing but anger, you wipe your tears away from your cheeks. You have never felt betrayed, even by your own soulmate. It was all starting to make sense.

That day you were at the airport killing some time by shopping at Gucci’s duty-free shop, Taehyung so happened to be at the airport as well. Thus, the red tie he had purchased was the one you had touched, the one you had set your eyes on; the one that you were supposed to purchase for your father. You could only laugh bitterly, was that why he insisted on giving it to you?

Your gaze glances down at the bracelet Eunha had forcefully given to you because you’d seen it in color. It was almost as if the pink cherry blossoms were glaring at you. Taking it off, you toss it to the side out of frustration.

You remember the night where you and Taehyung walked through Seoul, bumping into the same yellow mascot you both share a connection with. You remember the local cafe you both go to on the daily. They were all in color, and yet, you felt nothing but stupid. He made you feel stupid.

“(Y/N), the boys and staff will be going out for a celebratory dinner. Are you coming?”

You quickly wipe your tears away and look at your roommate, a makeup artist, who’s ruffling her damp hair with a cloth. You nod your head gently in reply.

“Great, because the boys will be here any second.” She smiles.

Indeed, they were here a second after by the sound of a knock on your door. You force yourself off of the bed and head towards the door, opening it to reveal Taehyung. He smiles at you as if he has no clue. Has he been acting all this time?

“We’re going out for dinner.” He says joyfully and you flash him a small smile. He notices how you’re quiet and he pouts. “Are you okay?”

“Peachy,” you reply. “Congrats, by the way.”

“Let’s go?” He insists and you nod your head.

The two of you meet the boys down at the lobby before departing in respective vans. Taehyung looks at you every now and then and all you could do is look anywhere but him. You couldn’t find the strength to look at him without snapping.

“(Y/N)! Where were you after the performance? You should’ve heard us, we were speaking so fluently. It’s all thanks to you.” Jin asks and you purse your lips into a line.

“I wasn’t feeling quite well,” you lie and Taehyung immediately places his hand on your forehead. You flinch, gently taking his hand off of your face. “I’m okay, there’s no need for a fever-check.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? You can pass for tonight,” he mumbles and you shake your head.

“If I pass, you won’t be able to tell me what you were planning on telling me, right?” You say with a blank expression.

“About that, (Y/N), I—”

“Tell me later, okay?”

He clamps his mouth shut and the two of you are pulled apart by staff members. As you all arrive at the private venue to have dinner together, you all gather around a table. Taehyung sits right across from you and serves you some food because you need to eat a lot to gain strength and all you can do is tell him to stop worrying.

“You look a bit sad, (Y/N).” Namjoon says. “Are you sure you’re okay? Did something happen back home?”

You shake your head. Instead, you mumble, “it’s nothing to worry about. In fact, it’s my soulmate. I have a feeling he works for BigHit, I have yet to figure out who he is.”

“Did you see how Taehyung sang? All the girls were swooning.” Jimin clutches his heart and Taehyung blushes.

“T-That’s so unnecessary, Jimin-ah.” Taehyung whines.

“Wait, so you’re telling us that you’re getting closer to figuring out who he is?”

You nod your head at Hoseok before glancing at Taehyung. “I think a few more hints will help, don’t you think so, Taehyung-ah?”

Taehyung looks up at you from his plate and nods his head. And just like that, he finally gets what you mean, and all he could do is shamefully look down at his food.

“Sorry, but if you’ll excuse me for a second, I’ll be using the washroom.”

The moment you stand up, you head towards the nearest exit to get some fresh air. Taehyung watches you walk away from the table and looks at his members.

“Excuse me,” he says respectfully before following you.

He finds you standing outside, hugging your cold body with your arms. He’s too scared to approach you, but you could already feel his presence. You chuckle bitterly, and he gulps nervously.

“So, when were you planning on telling me?”

He cautiously chooses his words but they all seem to disappear when you turn around to face him. “I—”

“The tie,” you cut him off, “you saw me at the airport, why didn’t you approach me?”

“Because I was afraid—”

“Afraid?” You scoff. “And on my first day at the company, why didn’t you tell me then? Of course, it was because you were afraid. Instead, you made me look stupid!”

“I have my reasons—”

“And your reasons are bullshit,” you mutter. “You made me look stupid for months, Taehyung, months. When were you planning on telling me? Did you think I wasn’t going to find out?”

“Can you just hear me out?” He says desperately.

“No,” you shake your head. “You just don’t understand how much hell you’ve put me through. I’ve been waiting for you, I’ve been looking all over for you, and all you did was just stand there and watch me suffer. What makes it even funnier is that you knew, you knew that I’m your soulmate, you even listened to me talk about you—”

“I was afraid that you’d find out just because I was V, not Kim Taehyung. I wanted you to find out when I was Kim Taehyung, and not V, the V who’s out on tour, the one who sings, the one who’s famous. I wanted you to find out that your soulmate is Kim Taehyung.”

“Funny,” you chuckle. “And all this time you pretended like your soulmate was someone else, huh? Because that makes so much sense, Taehyung.”

“I’m sorry, (Y/N).” He whispers and you smile bitterly.

“Me too,” you nod your head. “I’m sorry.”

He glances up at you as a tear slips out of your eye. The moment your tears started to flow down your cheeks, the colors of your face, your clothes, the private venue that you were both at, were all starting to fade away.

His eyes widen, but it seems as if though you weren’t seeing exactly what he was witnessing right before him. You’re falling out of love because he broke your heart. And you’re completely oblivious to it.

“Congratulations, V.” You smile sadly. “Must be fun being a global superstar because small things like finding your soulmate just come so easily to you. Oh right, I wouldn’t know. Are you sure your favorite color is yellow? Or is that a lie too?”

And just like that, you leave him out in the cold. As you turn around and start walking back to the hotel, he can’t find the courage and strength to run after you. Instead, he just watches your figure grow smaller and smaller.

Year: December 2017

“I’m very much sad to tell you guys that (Y/N) has resigned.”

“What?!” Hoseok jumps out of his seat. While glancing at the boys in shock, they can’t help but be in shock as well. “But—”

“She was offered a higher position at another company,” PD-nim explains, “and her position there is much more suited to her field.”

Taehyung can’t feel anything but anger. He’s angry at himself. He should’ve chased you and spoke to you. He should’ve explained himself further. He should’ve done something. But no, instead, he just stood there and watched you walk out of his life right when you entered. Right when he thought that he was so close to having you, he loses you and watches you slip out of his hands.

“Do you think it’s because of her soulmate?” Jin asks and the boys suddenly erupt into whispers, PD-nim furrows his eyebrows in confusion and Taehyung sighs angrily.

“It has nothing to do with her soulmate,” he mutters. “She was just offered a higher position suited to her field. Of course, she would not turn down such an opportunity.”

“Taehyung-ah, are you sure you don’t know who her soulmate is?” Namjoon says and Jimin clears his throat.

“I think we should just focus on giving (Y/N) support, this is her future.” Jimin intervenes while glancing at Taehyung with a knowing look.

“I don’t know what you guys are talking about with this whole ‘soulmate’ situation going on with (Y/N), but, please send her off with good intentions and heartfelt messages. She has done nothing but good things for you boys and the company.”

“I’ll go get her some roses—”

Jungkook’s cut off when the boys see Taehyung stand up and storm out of the room. As Taehyung storms through the hallways and into the offices, he spots you at your cubicle, storing some of your things into a box. He finally approaches you and you glance up with a smile that soon fades away.

“You’re leaving?”

“Does it look like it?” You ask.

He watches you place things into the box and notices how your things are of faded colors. “Why?”

“Why not? Is it bad that I want to work a higher position?” You scoff. “Let me remind you, V, I’m a person who needs to work and if being offered a better position will give me a brighter future, I’ll take it.”

“Or are you just leaving because of me?” He says. “Is it because of me?”

“No.” You shake your head. “It’ll never be because of you—”

“Then why? Why can’t you just stay? The boys and I need you.” He begs.

“I can’t stay.” You sigh. “I have to do this for myself, for my parents.”

“Stay,” he pleads, desperate for you to change your mind. “Don’t leave us, don’t leave me—”

“Stop. Just stop.” You cut him off mid-sentence. “This isn’t the first time you’ve let me go, Taehyung. You’ve had all your chances. You had the airport, my first day, the days after that, just to tell me; to tell me to stay. But what did you do?”

“Then let me make it up to you.” He grabs your hands and you look at him bewilderedly. “Please.”

He winces when you retreat your hands from him. You sigh to yourself.

“Make it up to me when you’re Kim Taehyung, when you’re my soulmate. Not when you’re V, not when you’re the man telling lies and making up stories.”

hit up that askbox to give me feedback! it is very much appreciated~

#bts #taehyung scenarios #kpop scenarios #taehyung #kim taehyung #bts taehyung #fluff #angst

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studyari · 3 years ago

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26 trying to become an engineer. (2nd attempt)

Hello everyone :-)

Today I’ve been feeling pretty down and thought, well, I may as well do something that might get my mind off of my mood. I thought, “hey maybe I’ll share my story on tumblr.” So, here I am spiraling.

This is not my main blog but I did notice that over the years it was hard to find blogs that were active. Somehow, I came across the ‘studyblr’ community and couldn’t believe how many people were currently using this platform in that way. I’m starting school in the fall so I thought it would be a cool idea to also make one, and maybe it would keep me motivated! We will see. I have a good feeling because there are already sooo many amazing resources and advice tips. It’s very reassuring.

I guess I should start my story off with a few details about who I am and the type of life I had before coming to this point. My name is Ari and I love learning but I never had the vision or drive to look forward into the future very much. I did not concern myself with the responsibilities of adulthood when I was in high school. During that time, I wasn’t really focused on anything in particular. I didn’t sign up for the AP Classes, I didn’t see myself going to college, and the classes I wanted to take, I never was able to get in (my school already had overcapacity classes and it was the oldest high school in my city picture the not having enough books, packed classes, and old and worn learning materials). I really wanted to get into horticulture and signed up for it 3 years straight to no avail. Even though I lacked the competitive spirit and drive, I still had high enough standards for myself to try my best in school even if I didn’t know exactly why I was doing it. I did well and my class rank, I found out was #3. I only found out because the teacher I worked for would tell me “hey you’re really close to having to give a speech” to that I was like HUH? I also was way too shy to even think about that so I just kind of brushed it off. But to this day, I wonder what I could have accomplished if I had the same goals my peers had.

My counselor nominated me for a scholarship to which I was surprised but I applied to the school (the only school I applied to) and wrote my essay. I did this because I was honored someone actually thought of me. The school could only put up one person per scholarship per university. I’m sure she put me up because of my math scores if I’m being honest.

By that time I had decided to go into the military, because some guy from the Navy came and talked to our class. I thought, I’m sure I could do that? I was basically doing the things I needed to do my senior year so that after I graduated I could have a job. But unexpectedly, the teacher that I worked for pulled me aside one day and asked me what my plans for the future were. I told him I’m most likely joining the military and that I applied to a university but there’s no way I could pay for it. I already had received a letter that I was denied the scholarship. He sincerely looked at me and told me that I could do anything with my life and that going into the military is great but that I could join that whenever. He told me “not everyone gets to go to college.” I shrugged because I didn’t feel like I was in control of any of that. But then he did something while I was in his computer lab and it was near the end of the school year. He had called up the university I applied to and asked them about my application…. He did that for me. And after getting off the phone with them he told me the lady said “she’ll be very happy.” Although not disclosing any details. For some reason the small gesture moved me and I’m pretty sure that was the moment that I started believing that I could actually accomplish things. I started being able to think about the things I wanted out of life. I could make the decisions of what I want to be, not some recruiter.

It wasn’t until I got my acceptance letter stating that I had received a full ride scholarship that it all became real. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think I would ever go to college but now I have a way?

Fast forward to my freshman year of college. I was 17. It was in a new city, I was on my own for the first time in my life, I had met a lot of new people, and I was a first year engineering student hoping to graduate in electrical engineering and I was proud of it. I had felt like I had already accomplished so much just off the fact I was accepted into that program. However, reality started to sink in quick. School was HARD, the classes were HUGE 200 students in most of my classes. I procrastinated, stayed up too late, was not understanding my homework, and failing my tests. I felt like a failure and I failed Chemistry I that year. The next semester, I hoped things would be better but in fact it was much worse. I was horrible and completely lost in my computer engineering course and couldn’t create a working program for the life of me, I couldn’t even create a FLOWCHART. Because of the class size I was deathly afraid to raise my hand and just ask a question. I just kept my mouth shut hoping for the best, for a miracle really. I struggled in Calc 2 and especially in Physics I. I didn’t fail any of the classes but with the grades I received it felt no different. I received D-’s for two of my classes and I felt hopeless. I felt dumb. I thought I need to figure something out, because my scholarship covers 4 years for me. I can’t afford to retake a class I just can’t.

And during that summer I transferred out. I told my mom about my experience and she didn’t have much sympathy for me. Just heard things like “well if it was me, I would have made an A”. I tried explaining to her how hard and difficult it was but I didn’t receive any emotional support that day. In my eyes I thought I tried my best. Honestly, that interaction just furthered my belief into thinking yeahhh it is my fault. I just can’t do it.

I was in this space where I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore and it scared me. I talked with an advisor and she helped me make a schedule to explore more majors. I explored art, math, and environmental tech. I ended up completely dropping Calc 3 because I was making like 20% on my first test *sigh*. But I did well enough in my gen eds. I truly thought school wasn’t for me. And keep in mind I also was working the entire time through college and it would take me an hour to walk there and an hour to walk back to my dorm. I really needed money T_T. My priorities were all mixed up back then. I also was dating someone who was very very bad for me. He was a cheater, never wanted to see me, and I would miss classes just because we were arguing. I ended up losing a lot of friends because of my terrible relationship as I was spending all my time on him and not on other aspects of my life. I broke up with him my junior year of college.

After that I found myself really focusing hard on my grades, wanting A’s, wanting to do well. I told myself the difference between an A and a B is just effort. My senior year I was working as well as taking 21 credit hours a semester just to graduate. I actually had to submit paperwork to be allowed to take that many hours per semester. I had little time to myself really and I would sleep on the benches outside in between classes. I was so tired my entire senior year but I know for the first time I was doing my absolute best to graduate. I needed to graduate AND do well. I ended up graduating in environmental tech which is under the college of forestry at my university. So it was very different than what I started off in. I was proud for a little until I moved back home.

When I got back home I couldn’t find a job in my field. I would get interviews and I would get ‘almost’ hired but I would be rejected last minute. It’s either a hiring freeze, simple rejection, or the ‘you need a car’ to work here. But I didn’t have a car, I didn’t have job to get the car and so what I did was say Fuck IT. I got a job as a cashier making $7.25 an hour at a donut shop. I could hardly save money because my family would always ask me for some. I ended up talking to a recruiter and I was about to join the military for real as I’m from a military town and jobs that weren’t the hospital or military were virtually nonexistent. That’s what I planned to do and I remember writing on my calendar in my room to “save $400” before I left. And that was a goal looking back now, made me realize how much I was struggling in that environment.

I left. And I joined the military. I knew that I could get a free education and housing so that’s why I did it. It wasn’t a very good reason but I’m so glad that’s what I did. I grew up so much while I was there. I earned an electronics degree while I was there. In fact we went over the same exact things I learned in computer engineering, but this time I could understand and it came easy to me. Learned a new skill. Learned social skills. Learned how to stand up for people. Learned how to manage others and really really show them that I cared. I got my first car, got my first apartment, and I learned what it meant to live comfortably and securely, even if work itself was more stressful than anything I’ve ever known. I accomplished a lot in the four years I spent there, I met so many people that are now all over the world, I have a network, and I even met my current boyfriend.

I am now 26. Those four years I spent in the military allowed me to think about my future and what I wanted to do. I am still trying to be an engineer. I think I gave up too easily when I was 17 and I was not in the right mindset. I didn’t think I was as smart as everyone else around me. I didn’t think I deserved to be there. But I was wrong. I did deserve to be there. Now that I’m older I understand I was going through a lot of things and had very little support and I didn’t believe in myself enough. I believe we can do anything we set our minds to, because it’s about effort. This is where my new journey begins.

I’m 26 years old and I don’t think it’s too late. I’m going to be starting my nano-engineering courses in the fall and retaking chem and physics. And I will do well no matter what it takes. I’ve been talking to someone at the university here and they say that I have a good chance at getting into their Materials Science and Engineering M.S. program. Me, someone without an engineering B.S. This is where I’d like to update my story. And hopefully someone out there can relate or share their journey as well. It’s been hard understanding that I am deserving to be here and to ask questions and actually succeed. I’m not giving up this time. No way. The things you love and are passionate about will always come back to you.

#me #its not too late

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planettaeil · 8 years ago

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Ms. President

Title: Ms. President

Type: angsty-fluff

Characters: Reader X Taeil

Word Count: 2,740

A/N: To celebrate my beloved Moon Taeil’s birthday, I’m gonna post my first ever taeil scenario in this blog! I had a lot of fun writing this so please tell me what you think about it! And also, I don’t think I’ll be writing a second part :( but I hope you’ll still enjoy this!

(Y/S/N) - Your surname I’ve seen a lot of CEO!Idol au but I want to change something so why not write a CEO!Reader? (With a twist ☻)

Summary: Who would have thought you were about to marry your secretary Moon Taeil?

Staring at the mess that your secretary called as yearly report was too stressful for your liking. The report in front of you just doesn’t make any sense. You closed your eyes, fingers massaging your temples in an attempt to lessen the throbbing ache caused by this mess. If you weren’t that considerate, you could have had all your employees fired for doing such a very bad job, especially him. “Mr. Moon, what the hell did you just gave me?” You asked, your right hand tightly gripping the highly overpriced fountain pen. “This is the summary that you asked for the charity event next week, Miss (Y/S/N),” Moon Taeil, your secretary for almost 2 months, gingerly replied with both his hands in front of him like a polite student. He was staring at the glass window behind you the whole time, refusing to look at your obviously mad and done look. You just stared at him, thinking if there’s any decent cells left in his brain, and you notice how he visibly gulped.

“I know it’s a summary, Mr. Moon,” you gave him a look when he gave you a stupid and obvious reply, “but I asked for a long and detailed narrative report, not a poorly written essay made under 5 minutes!” You took the papers on your table and waved it in front of his face to make a point.

You weren’t actually this strict and serious, or shall I say bitchy to your employees, but when you have your father demanding you to increase the sales and performance of the company by 25%, which was probably the most impossible thing to do in under 2 months, you just can’t help but feel so stressed and and feel like everything you and everyone in the company do should be perfect. You can’t afford to have your father telling you that you’re a failure or anything like that. It needs to be a successful event, the charity that is, and unfortunately, you let out all your pent up frustration to Moon Taeil, the poor secretary who did nothing but obey all your orders. “I’m sorry, Miss (Y/S/N).” “Who did this?” You asked. “It was Mr. Park and it was submitted to me this morning.” “And you didn’t have the time to read the material before giving it to me? It’s your job to make sure I won’t deal with this!” But seriously, Taeil has been doing his job poorly today. You gathered all the papers and handed it all to Taeil with a defeated look.

“I’m sorry, Miss (Y/S/N). I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.” Yelling at him won’t change anything. “Just…write me a new summary. I don’t need that mess and tell Mr. Park that I’ll see him in 2 hours.” He took the papers, and bowed before heading to the door. But before he could exit, he turned around and offered you a small smile.

“Do you need anything, Miss (Y/S/N)? Coffee? Cake?” Just looking at his soft features and innocent smile made you feel kinda guilty for yelling at him earlier. God is he making me feel guilty? You let out a tired sigh and said, “Coffee will do."

”….and for last month’s performance, our sales increased by 13% which is a good indicator that our new marketing strategy improved as well as the online-“ you saw the senior director raising his hand, interrupting you from your report in front of the board members. You knew he had some shit up his sleeves but you still forced a smile and nodded at him. "Yes, Mr. Baek?” “But the costs also increased by 11%. Shouldn’t we focus more on increasing sales and at the same time maintaining the costs? I don’t think you’re doing a great job, Miss (Y/S/N). Didn’t your father tell you he’d reassign a new CEO if you fail in doing what he wanted?” The old man had a smart smirk on his face and you never had the urge to punch an old man’s face before. He was a big hater of your father’s decision in assigning you as the CEO and he made it his job to make you suffer. Your hands began shaking at his last words. He was the only one who knew about your father’s deal and if it’s gonna spread like wildfire, you’ll probably lose everything that you have right now. “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about, Mr. Baek. Can I continue with my report?” Another board member interrupted and said, “Why aren’t we informed about the reassignment of the CEO? What does your father want you to do, Miss (Y/S/N)?” Mr. Baek smirked, “Hmm…I’m also curious about that. Why don’t you answer that as well as my previous question, Miss (Y/S/N)?” You were about to answer when Taeil stood up from his seat beside yours and flip through the pages of your report on his hands. “I think you’re looking at the wrong paper, Mr. Baek. Miss (Y/S/N) is reporting about the financial statements of all the restaurants which has costs that increased by only 3%.” “I believe you’re looking at the report for the hotels which had different target percentages. Please read carefully before asking questions. Thank you,” he continued and to say you were surprised was an understatement. Did he just indirectly told him off? “What the-? Who are you to speak to me like that!?” “Calm down, Mr. Baek. My secretary was simply telling you that you read the wrong paper. Everyone please settle down and I’m gonna continue my report,” you fought the urge to smirk at him and instead faced Taeil with an obviously thankful look for saving you. If it weren’t for him, you’d probably be yelling and saying something right now. You continued the meeting without any interruptions and ended successfully. Everyone started packing out of the conference room and the only people left were you and Taeil. You grabbed your chair and stretched, obviously stressed about the meeting. Taeil was busy collecting all the papers on the table, carefully arranging it according to page numbers. You silently watched him from your seat, amused at how calm and serious he looked while doing his job. He was sporting a dark blue suit and tie and a perfectly fitted pants with white undershirt, his curly brown hair matching the small piercing on his right ear. The piercing looked a bit off with his outfit but it made him look different in a very good way to say the least. It was the first time you noticed his earrings and how he honestly looked so good in those. The way he moved around was a bit stiff but nevertheless, his looks complemented his overall features. And you can’t deny the fact that Taeil looked so handsome with that concentrated look on his face. There’s just something about him that caught your eyes that time. And it was also the first time you took so much time observing him like he was a masterpiece in an art gallery. You were snapped out of your train of thoughts when you noticed a hand in front of your face. “You okay? Do you need water?” You kept a straight face and looked away. You mentally smacked yourself in the head for such thought and reminded your little brain that he’s your assistant. “I’m fine. Just a bit tired from the meeting,” you rested your head on the back of your chair and stared at the ceiling. Honestly, if you were him, you wouldn’t help yourself after all the yelling you did yesterday. You were amazed at how he quickly caught Mr. Baek’s plan because you seriously didn’t notice that he was looking at the wrong paper. God, it would be such a mess if he didn’t save you. You stood up from your seat to put your laptop and binder inside your bag, your mind happily thinking about the tub of ice cream and mocha cake in your apartment that you can now stuff in your mouth after a long stressful week.

You cannot wait to get home and dressed in your most comfortable clothes, with make up off and a soppy romantic drama playing on your TV. You deserved a treat for yourself after all. You felt a pair of eyes staring at you so when you looked up to check, you saw Taeil eyeing you with your every move as he continued collecting the papers on the other side of the table. You consciously closed the zipper of your bag. “Is there something you would like to tell me, Mr. Moon?” You asked and instead of answering, he fought the small smile on his face and shrugged. What a rude secretary. You decided to return the favor and watch him instead, secretly amazed at how he managed to look so charismatic for the first time since you hired him. Surprisingly, he took it as a fun challenge and stared back at you with much intense gaze, making you uncomfortable with whatever he’s planning to do. When he was done with his work, he went to the door to lock it and walked to your direction, his eyes still looking straight at yours without any hint of giving up. “You’re supposed to lock the door after we get out, Mr. Moon,” you spat and you stopped your tongue from saying another sarcastic remark. “What if I don’t plan to get out, hmm?” Okay..? He usually had his eyes looking everywhere but you every time you talk to him, his moves slow and calculated, so watching him doing the complete opposite felt so fun and intriguing. What did you do to the awkward Moon Taeil? You questioned in your mind. He neatly placed the stack of papers beside your bag and he took the spot right next to it, both his hands resting on the table with his legs comfortably placed on the chair beside yours. He looked so comfortable and out of character on top of that. “You look comfortable, Mr. Moon,” you commented as you took a step back and crossed your arms across your chest. “I’m just tired from all of this, to be honest,” he replied, loosening his tie and fixing his hair. “How about you?” “Do you want to resign? You could just send me a letter without doing this, you know?” You watched him fixing his hair yet again, making it completely messy unlike his usual neat, almost bowlcut-like hairstyle. “Are you really okay with your father threatening you to strip the CEO title from you if you fail to increase the performance by 25%?” He questioned. “How did you know about that?” You frowned and eyed the strange guy in front of you. He simply shrugged, looking like he doesn’t care about the things around him anymore. “How did you know about that, Taeil? You’re not supposed to know that!” “I’ll help you,” the night seemed to get stranger than earlier. How is he, a secretary, gonna help the CEO of one of the country’s leading company? And what kind of help is he gonna offer? “How did you know about that?” He shrugged. “Hmm. I forgot.” This fuc- “And you? You’re gonna help me?” You nearly laughed out loud and he just smiled back. He stood up and collected the stack of paper before heading to the door. “I’ll help you, (Y/N),” and with that he exited the conference room, leaving you speechless and absolutely confused by his sudden actions. What the fuck was that?

When your parents told you that you’re gonna marry someone next month, you honestly weren’t surprised by the news. In fact, you were bored. You knew something like that would happen and had accepted that fact ever since you were a child. That’s just something that people like you deal with. Sitting inside one of your restaurants wearing a tight red dress and heels, you glanced at your parents talking about your soon to be husband and how he perfectly fits their qualifications. You just wanted this night to be over so you could start writing reports and checking all the contracts because apparently, your asshole of a secretary decided to stop going to work for almost one week. And you’re not ready to accept another incompetent employee just yet. He’ll help me? He’ll fucking help me? What a joke. You mentally laughed at this big joke and almost cursed Taeil for being such an asshole. You were honestly so mad that he practically resigned in the middle of a very important season. Just who the hell does he think he is? “Darling, are you alright? They’re gonna be here in a few minutes,” your mom informed and you just nodded. After exactly 5 minutes, you saw a couple- probably the same age as your parents, enter the fancy restaurant with a huge bodyguard behind them. When they reached your table, they immediately introduced themselves and sat on the opposite side of you parents. There was an empty spot across you and assumed it was for your fiancé. “They are Mr. and Mrs. Moon of ConLight Group of Companies. I think you’ve heard about that company, right (Y/N)?” Your dad questioned. “Yeah, I’ve heard a lot of good things about ConLight. I believe it’s still the number one company in the food industry,” you politely smiled. As you looked at the couple, you suddenly remembered Taeil when you noticed Mr. Moon’s prominent cheeks and chiseled jawline. It looked oddly similar to his but you just laughed it off because there’s no way he’s related to this powerful couple. That sounds so impossible, you thought. They aren’t the only people from the Moon Family. “I’m gonna apologize first for my son’s late arrival because he had some business to take care of,” Mrs. Moon smiled and your mom chuckled. “Oh no, it’s okay. I know how hard it is to run a company at a very young age.” You honestly don’t know who you’re going to marry or what he looks like. All you just knew about him is that he’s perfect for you and the company. “I still can’t believe it’s your son who initiated the arrangement. We just didn’t expect him to know our daughter,” your dad spoke and you looked at him with a surprised expression. “And we’re very thankful for his proposal.” “I guess you could say my son has good taste in women,” you nearly choked on water when you heard Mr. Moon joked. Both couples laughed and you looked at your mom with an embarrassed face. “Yeah, but I’m guessing they know each other and my son took a liking to her,” Mrs. Moon chuckled and you were just genuinely confused right now. After all their usual talk about their companies, you saw Mrs. Moon’s face lit up as she waved to whoever was on the entrance. Okay, this is it. I’m finally meeting my fiancé. You took a deep breath and waited for him to sit in front you, refusing to look at him as he stood beside your parents for some element of surprise. “Everyone, this is our son, Taeil.” Okay, did I hear them right?

“Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. (Y/S/N),” you heard him greeted.

“Oh, please, no need to be formal. Just call us mom and dad, okay?”

(Y/N) there are probably thousands of Moon Taeil in the country. He can’t be your secretary. You continuously chanted in your head as you silently gripped the ends of your dress out of nervousness. But when you watched him slowly approached the empty seat, you could’ve sworn your soul left your body. Sitting in front of you is none other than Moon Taeil, the one and only heir of ConLight Company and…your secretary. He was sporting a black leather jacket with plain white shirt underneath it, paired with black skinny jeans and sneakers. The curly brown hair he’s been sporting for months was long gone and was replaced with his newly dyed straightened hair which looked as if he ran his fingers through it for a few times. “Hi, (Y/N). Long time no see?” He smiled, but the usual shy and innocent smile was replaced with an unusually comfortable and mischievous one. “Oh, should I call you Mrs. Moon now?” Oh dear Lord, this has to be a dream.

#happy taeil day!#taeil #moon taeil #nct taeil #taeil fluff #taeil angst #nct reaction #nct scenario #nct fluff #nct angst #nct text #kpop #kpop reaction #kpop scenario #ken writes

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sevralships · 8 years ago

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“Just Because You Can” Part 4 of 7, Chapters 12-16

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7 FIN]

The Pines triplets, Mabel, Dipper, and Jolene, have always been best friends. But lately, there’s been some distance growing between the Mystery Kids, due in part to the forbidden feelings with which they are each struggling. How will they manage to see eye to eye, when torn between wanting each other and craving adventure?

(This is a new AU that I’ve been calling Jolene AU, devised by myself and @handleonthescandal after one of us asked the question “What if Mabel and Dipper were triplets but with another sister?”. Although this AU is similar, it is not connected to Double Dippin’ AU, and Jolene is in no way connected to Tyrone.)

Shoutout to @sirwaddlesesquire for being the trustiest squire and an insightful, helpful, and supportive beta.

Mostly SFW, mostly angst with some action/adventure and a little bit of fluff, tw incest

Fic under the cut, enjoy!

Chapter 12: Mystery Twins

Exhausted and ashamed as Jo and Dipper had both been, it had turned out to be a lovely evening with their sister. Wet-haired from showering, they’d sat in the kitchen, gratefully eating the meal Mabel had cooked. Dad had been teaching her over the last year and she’d improved a lot. They’d eaten their food and then moved into the living room and curled up on the couch together. No sooner had they sat down than Jo had fallen asleep with her head on Dipper’s shoulder, snoring softly in his ear. Mabel had played the mom role and shooed them both up the stairs to bed while she cleaned up in the kitchen.

Dipper was bone-tired when he shut his bedroom door. His body ached from the day’s exertions and his bed looked wonderfully inviting. But there was something he had to do first. He turned on his bedside lamp and twisted it so it illuminated his bed brightly, and pulled the twisted blankets aside. He placed the scale from the lake gently on the bed and switched on the camera, quickly taking a few shots. It had been much more beautiful in the natural light, but the photos were adequate.

Almost on autopilot, he’d moved the photos from the camera to his laptop. He’d clicked the bookmark in his browser that took him to ‘mysterymonthlymag.com’ and eyed the featured daily headlines for a sec before clicking the ‘Explain the Unexplained! Contest Submissions’ link. He attached two images of Tessie and one of her scale, an picture Mabel had taken of he and Jo before their search for Scampfires in Gravity Falls last summer, wrote a 250 character blurb in the space provided, and hit ‘Submit’. Normally, he would have read and reread and obsessed over it, but he was tired enough that he couldn’t bring himself to obsess. The pictures are as good as they could be, he reminded himself, better than we could’ve hoped. He wanted to win, but at this point, he wanted nothing more than he wanted to sleep. He shut his laptop, crawled into bed, and fell asleep instantly, forgetting to switch off the lamp.

The following Thursday, the triplets had been sitting in the basement den together. Mabel sat at her crafts table, putting finishing touches on props and accessories for ‘Twelfth Night’, Jo lay on the floor rereading her worn old copy of ‘Journey to the Center of the Earth’ snacking absently on a bowl of chips, while Dipper sat on the ugly pink futon, tapping away on his computer, working on an essay for his Ancient Mythologies class. They were in their Greek Mythology unit and Dipper knew the material so well he hardly had to think to write about it. The pain had been finding sources to cite when none of the information was new to him.

Dipper’s laptop and cell phone pinged in unison, the specific ping he knew to mean he’d received an email. Happy with the distraction, Dip clicked over to the tab in which his email inbox was already open. Probably junk, he thought to himself, watching the page reload. When it loaded, a new email was indeed on top of the list and Dipper’s heart skipped a beat, his eyes training on the subject line ‘CONGRATULATIONS!’

“Holy shit…” Dipper muttered to himself, opening the email and quickly reading the contents, “Hoooly shit…”

“‘Sup, Dip-man?” Jo asked lazily, not taking her eyes from her book.

“We won,” he said softly, disbelieving, reading the email a third time.

“Speak up, Dip-dot,” Mabel chimed in distractedly.

“Holy shit, we won!” Dipper repeated, the excitement in his chest finally catching up with his tone.

Both his sisters dropped what they were doing, echoing ‘holy shit!’ in unison. They scrambled over and hopped onto the futon on either side of him, eager to read the email over his shoulder.

“ ‘Dear Mr. Pines,’ ” Mabel read and chuckled, “Hehe, sounds like they’re talking to dad…”

“ ‘Dear Mr. Pines,’ ” Jo read, impatiently, “ ‘It is with great pleasure that we inform you that your submitted findings on the subject of Tahoe Tessie have been selected to be the featured winner of this year’s ‘Explain the Unexplained!’ contest!’ ” the pitch of her voice rose steadily so that it was a shrill excited squeak by the end of the sentence.

“ ‘Our judges were very impressed by the professional attitude and enthusiasm exemplified in the style and content of your short response as well as the remarkable nature of your findings.’ ” Dipper read on, his tone uncharacteristically confident.

“‘If you wish to accept your spot as winner, we urge you to contact us promptly to set up an interview. Congratulations again!’ ” Mabel chimed in, “ ‘We look forward to getting to know the Mystery... Twins... much... better.” Her voice lost its enthusiasm and stiffened on the last few words.

“ ‘Sincerely, Matthew Michaloff, Manager of Reader-Submitted Content at Mystery Monthly Magazine.’ ” Jo read, still high on cloud nine, “With his number, ooh, I wonder if that’s his personal extension!”

“They misspelled ‘Mystery Kids’...” Mabel grumbled, standing up and walking back to her craft table.

“Yeah, I know,” Dipper said, “Sorry about that, Mabes. I only had 250 characters to tell our story. There wasn’t room to talk about being triplets, they must have figured from our names and picture that Jo and I were twins.”

“It’s fine,” Mabel said stiffly, picking back up what she’d been working on. How appropriate, she thought bitterly, jabbing the needle harder than necessary into the crown of Olivia’s wedding veil for the following night. Maybe I’m Olivia after all, stubborn and grieving and they’re the twins. Suddenly, ‘twins’ was the ugliest word she’d ever heard when for ages it had been her secretly coveted dream. They’re the twins, she thought, the jab prickling, and there’s no room for me in only 250 characters…

A click at the top of the stairs announced the door opening, “Mabel? Scout?” Mom’s voice called, “Are you girls down there?”

“Yes, ma,” Jo called back, her attention still focused on Dipper’s laptop screen.

“Could you two come up here and help me with something?”

Mabel looked over and met Jolene’s eyes, trying not to look angry. Jo had a familiar deer-in-headlights look, the same one she got whenever mom or anyone else required her input on girl matters, “Sure thing, mama, we’d love to,” Mabel called back. Let Jo squirm a little, she thought with sick satisfaction, besides it’ll peel her away from Dipper’s side for a hot second. Dutifully, Jo joined her sister and went up the stairs.

Mom met them with a slightly anxious smile, one that only Dipper had inherited. Of her three children, mom definitely was the most like her son. They were similarly high-strung, in an exceedingly well-meaning way, both dedicated micro-managers. The girls followed their mother up the stairs to their parents bedroom and the matter at hand was instantly apparent. There were clothes strewn all over the bed and dresser, a disarray of garments and accessories. Whenever mom needed help from Jo and Mabel, it usually pertained to this sort of thing, as it was the only area in which Dipper’s similarity to her was no help at all. Dipper shared mom’s usual feeling that clothes were a utilitarian necessity, but were neither important nor interesting beyond that.

“Whoa, did a bomb go off in your closet?” Jo asked sarcastically, and mom reddened a little. Jo grinned, “Finally payback for all the times you said that about my room!”

“What’s the dealio, momsy?” Mabel asked, ever the more sensitive daughter.

“Well,” mom squirmed a little at being on the spot, “You girls know your father and I have been making a point of making time for dating and romance,” Jo looked queasy at the use of the word ‘romance’ in conjunction with her parents, “We’re going on special date tomorrow night--”

“And you don’t know what to wear so you called for backup,” a grin was spreading on Mabel’s face, “You did the right thing.”

“So you’ll help?” her green eyes glittered with gratitude.

“‘Course mama-bear,” Mabel said, “Right, Jo?”

“I think this is more your forte, Miss-Sis--” Jo glanced at the door.

“Nonsense!” Mabel interrupted, “It’ll be fun!”

As their mom started pulling hangers from her closet, Dipper sat in the basement den, listening to the phone ringing, hoping the other line would pick up. And with a click, it did, “Thank you for calling Mystery Monthly Magazine, you’ve reached the office of Matthew Michaloff, Manager of Reader-Submitted Content. My name’s Petra. How may I help you today?”

“H-hi,” Dipper choked, cursing the crack in his voice, “My name’s Dipper Pines. I received an email from Mr. Michaloff saying my sister and I had--”

“Oh! Tahoe Tessie Dipper!” The woman interrupted and Dipper couldn’t help thinking how awesome it would be to work somewhere that even the receptionists were excited about the supernatural, “Congratulations to you and your sister, Mr. Pines! I’ll put you through to Mr. Michaloff at once!”

“Thanks, that’s awesome,” Dipper responded, pleased to be taken so seriously.

There was a click and a couple seconds of silence, followed by another click and a man’s voice, “Matt Michaloff speaking,” he said, “My assistant tells me I have our winner on the line?”

Dipper laughed nervously, “Ha, yes, ha ha, I guess that’s me? My name’s Dipper Pines, my sister Jolene and I investigated Tahoe Tessie?”

“The man of the hour!” Dipper imagined he could hear the man smiling, wondered if he was looking absently at small replicas of Nessie and the Jersey Devil and the Central American Whintosser on his desk, “Congratulations again to you and your sister, Jolene! I trust you’re both well?”

“Um, yes, we’re both well. Thank you, Mr. Micha--”

“Oh, please, call me Matt,” The man interrupted with a laugh, “Mr. Michaloff is my dad!”

“Ha, that’s exactly what Jo said about you calling me Mr. Pines in your email,” Dipper said, loosening up a little. He had the feeling most of the employees at Mystery Monthly were kindred spirits.

“Well, Dipper,” Matt Michaloff said, in a more informal tone, “Would you and Jo be able to do your interview with me tomorrow evening?”

“Tomorrow?” Dipper squeaked.

“Yes, tomorrow, if at all possible,” Matt reiterated, “We’d really like to get the story to our editors as soon as possible. Of course, if you can’t make--”

“Oh, no, we can make tomorrow work!” Dipper interrupted eagerly, “If you wanna do tomorrow night, we can definitely do tomorrow night!”

Matt laughed good-naturedly, “I’m loving your enthusiasm, Dipper Pines,” he said, “Well, if there isn’t anything else, I’ll talk to you at, say… six o’clock tomorrow?”

“Six is fine,” Dipper agreed, “But there is one other thing actually.”

“I’m listening,” Matt said.

“Well, Jo and I aren’t actually twins like you said in your email,” Dipper corrected, “We’re actually triplets, we have another sister named--”

Matt laughed again, “You know what, Dipper, if it can wait till tomorrow, I’d love to hear whatever you have to tell me then.”

“Oh, uh, okay,” Dipper acquiesced, “Sure, yeah, I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

“Fantastic,” Matt replied, “Talk to you then, Mr. Pines.”

“Okay, Mr. Michaloff, thanks again.”

“Extend my congratulations to Ms. Jolene Pines, if you will,” Matt said, smoothly, “I look forward to making her acquaintance and hearing all about your experience.” He hung up and Dipper sat in stunned, giddy silence, and took several minutes to lower the silent phone from his ear.

Chapter 13: Interview Jitters

“Do you think he’s going to ask what kind of gear we had?” Dipper muttered at Jolene, “Should we lie? I mean, we don’t have any freaking gear--”

“We’re not lying,” Jolene said, stuffing a coiled rope into her pack, “Gear doesn’t matter. In fact, doing it without gear is cooler.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s right, you’re right,” Dipper grumbled, flipping through the cue cards he had hastily prepared, “Not lying, duh. But I mean, he’s gonna wanna know how we went about it, if we planned, if we practiced. Dammit, I’m forgetting something but I don’t know what it is! Ugh! Oh man, do most people--”

“Holy moses, Dipper, get a hold of yourself!” Jo exclaimed, shooting him an exasperated look, “We’re gonna be great. We’re charming little shits, remember? Can’t we just do this normal conversation style?”

“Are you serious…?” he could hardly make it through the question, “Like, yeah, we’re great but no, Jo-jo, we are following the cue cards. Man, I really feel like I’m forgetting something… The cards, they’re color-coded to make it easy--”

“No fuuuuucking way,” Jolene laughed, nestling a couple water bottles into her pack, “I am not following your dorky cue cards.”

“No, Jo, seriously, you have to--” he stopped talking abruptly, staring at her, “Hey, what are you doing?”

"Oh, whatever do you mean?" Jo asked, batting her eyelashes at him before shifting her attention back to her pack.

“Your bag. Why are you getting your pack ready?” The pitch of his voice rose anxiously, “I swear to god, Jolene, if you are ditching me to do this interview alone--”

“Pssh, as if,” Jo said, putting her hands on her hips, “I’m not leaving you alone with your boyfriend Matt, who knows if you lovebirds will even use protectio--”

“Well you’re not even paying attention to what’s going on! Why are you getting your pack ready?” Dipper demanded, “Why aren’t you freaking out?”

“Dip-man, I’m not freaking out because you obviously have the panic attack quota covered,” Jo said, putting the last couple things in her pack and pulling the drawstrings to tighten the opening before snapping the flap shut, “Aaaand I’m getting my pack ready for our trip to Lone Pine Mountain.”

Dipper laughed derisively, “You’ve got to be kidding me, Jo.”

“Why would I be kidding?” Jo countered with a shrug, “Operation Tessie went well enough that we freakin’ won, which is awesome, now’s the time to go--”

“Oh, I know you are fucking joking,” Dipper said, the hint of anger in his voice stopping Jo in her tracks, “Operation Tessie went well? I’m sorry but we must be thinking of different fucking days.”

“Dip, I know it wasn’t perfect,” Jo conceded, “I know it was fucked up, but we did win and--”

“Yeah, it was fucked up, Jo,” Dipper agreed, throwing his cue cards down on his desk, where they scattered, “We almost died. And in case you bumped your head, you promised me no more unnecessary risk.” Jo fidgeted uncomfortably under Dipper’s accusatory gaze, of course, he’s right, you did promise. “No Lone Pine Mountain Devils. End of conversation. Now we need to prepare for--”

As if on cue, Dipper’s phone started ringing, playing the iconic ‘Z-Files’ theme song. Both of them stared at if for a second before Jo rolled her eyes and grabbed it, swiping the green ‘accept call’ button, “Hello, Jo Pines speaking, who is this?” she said, and Dipper cringed at her brusque tone, “Oh, thanks. Yeah, Dipper’s here. Gimme one sec and I’ll put you on speaker.” She took the phone from her ear and rested it against her chest, “No flippin’ cards, bro-tective, just be your debonair lil self.” Dipper nodded and Jo nodded back, looking at the phone screen and pressing the speaker button.

Chapter 14: Opening Night

“Hey, uh, Mabel, um, are you, uhh, sure this is gonna fit?”

“Brandon…” Mabel said, wearily, resisting the urge to facepalm, “Yes, it will fit. It fit you at dress rehearsal less than 24 hours ago.”

“Okaaay, if you say so…” Brandon said, sounding unconvinced, walking away testing the elastic waist of the costume in his hands.

The show was set to start in only a few minutes. Mabel stood in the wings, checking on the costumes of the characters in the opening scene. Judging by the noise level, the theater was filling up nicely. Ticket sales had been good and they had every reason to project a successful opening night. And at least two of those seats are filled for my sake, Mabel thought with a smile. She hoped Jo and Dipper had gotten here early enough to nab a spot with a decent view of the stage. Even if they hadn’t, she hoped there would be sufficient sparkliness to shine all the way to the back row.

“It’s show time,” Mr. McMahon said, coming up beside her as the house lights dimmed and the audience obediently applauded. She gave him her patented ‘you-got-this’ million watt smile and he walked on stage to give the standard ‘thanks for coming, a word about the production’ speech. Duke Orsino showed up behind her, ready for his entrance for the opening scene. He was fidgeting with the velvet hat she’d made him, unsure of how it should fall. Mabel adjusted it for him as Mr. McMahon finished up his speech to polite applause.

The first half of the play went off without a hitch. No lines flubbed, no entrances missed, no costume catastrophes. Mabel helped with set changes and preened the actors before they went on. Many of them received a last dusting of glitter for good luck from the container labeled ‘For Emergencies’ that resided perpetually in Mabel’s pocket. In her uncharacteristic stage crew blacks, only her face was easily visible in the dim of backstage, beaming with pride. The costumes glimmered beneath the stage lights and made all the hours of stitching and gluing well worth it.

The house lights came up after the act break to signal intermission, and most of the audience started to file out into the lobby, in search of snacks and bathrooms. Mabel happily skipped out from behind the side curtain and down the small steps at the left corner of the stage. She scanned the crowd for Dipper’s scruffy head. He was tall enough to usually find easily in situations like these. They must be out in the lobby already, she decided after having ascertained that they were no longer in the theatre, That’s a bummer. Only the people with seats in the back are already out there. Well, this would not be the first time her siblings had gotten to something too late to get good seats. With the sufficient sparkles it should be fine.

She made it through the press of bodies into the lobby. Everyone was chattering about the production, and with pleasure she caught a few snippets about the “eye-catching costumes”. Damn skippy, they’ll catch your eye, she smiled inwardly. There was a card table with snacks and drinks for sale over by the entrance, and Mabel knew her Trips enough to know that they’d make a beeline straight to the refreshments. She made her way over to the table. Liz, one of the costume crew drop-outs, was manning the table. Traitor, Mabel thought as she slipped ahead of the line, peering through them. No sign of the sibs. She frowned, “Hey Lizzie?”

“Oh, hey, Mabel!” Liz said, her tone a little too friendly, “Hey, the costumes look awesome! Great job on those!” She handed a couple candy bars and some change to a parent in line, “Like seriously, wicked. Even better than ‘Oklahoma!’!”

“Oh, uh, thanks,” Mabel said, unfazed by the buttering-up she was receiving, “Listen do you--”

“Hey, look, I know,” Liz interrupted, her tone a little more serious, “It was really lame of me to quit. I’m sorry I left you with so much to--”

“It’s fine, forget it.” Mabel said impatiently, tensely checking every face in the crowd, but not seeing the two that looked like her, “Have you seen Dipper or Jo?”

“Dipper and Jo?” Liz repeated dumbly, and Mabel resisted the urge to flip a nearby tray of cookies on her.

“Yeah, Dipper and Jo. Jolene. My brother and sister?” Mabel reiterated, “Ya know? One looks like me? One looks like me, but a boy… and like a foot taller? C’mon, we’ve been in school together since we were like lil piglets!”

“Ha, yeah, Mabel,” Liz said, a little snotty at being condescended to, “I know who Dipper and Jo are. But no, I haven’t seen them. I don’t think they’re here.”

“Thanks,” Mabel huffed, turning on her heel and walking away from the concessions. Okay, no way. They’re definitely here. Just cause Liz didn’t see them doesn’t mean squat. She’s not the brightest light on the tree. They were definitely not in the lobby, though. Maybe they went out to Aoshima? Yeah, of course! Of course, they’d gone out to the car. They usually would sneak snacks of their own into this sorta thing, they’d probably just gone out to restock their pocket candy. Mabel could feel a grin spreading on her face as she leaned her weight against the glass door to open it, the cool air of the spring night refreshing. It was a nice night, and both her sibs would rather take in the night air that stand around in a mob of people.

Her feet carried her several feet into the parking lot as her eyes bounced from car to car, looking for the smiley face antenna topper and the outline of a friendly sibling head. No smiley face, Mabel frowned. Well, if they were late, maybe they’re out on the road? She checked the clock on her phone. The next act was starting in only a couple minutes, and there was no time to check.

Mabel went back inside to check the bathroom. No Jolene in the ladies’, and no Jo or Dipper waiting by the door for the other. Maybe they went back in the theater already…? Mabel wondered, deflating by the second. The theater was filling back up and she followed the current of the audience. She automatically kept searching, the pit of doubt in her stomach getting deeper and deeper by the second. Could they really not be here…? It didn’t seem possible. Since they were little tots, all three triplets had had plenty of events like this. Dance recitals, plays, science fairs, art shows, talent shows. Like tonight, every once in a while their parents wouldn’t make it, but they had never ever ever missed each other. Not once. The Trips were each other’s biggest fans. They wouldn’t miss a thing, even if it was boring to them. They know how hard I’ve been working on this…

But do they? Things had been so weird lately. She’d been so wrapped up in working on the play and her stupid pesky feelings clogging up the works. She knew she’d told them it was opening night. It was marked in pink on the calendar on the fridge and the one by her bed and the one by her desk in the den. They were distracted to, though, ever since they’d gone on that mission to find the sea snake thingy they’d been so caught up in adventure stuff. Mabel reached the little steps to the stage and looked back over the audience. The lights were flashing in the lobby to communicate the end of intermission, and the last few stragglers were trickling in. With a clear view of everyone like this, there was no denying it.

They’re not here. They really didn’t come. Mabel tried to banish the tears from her eyes as she hurried back into the wings. She was on autopilot now, straightening collars and flattening out creases. The joy of it had left her. The play was going well, the costumes looked fantastic, but what the hell did it matter? They forgot me.

Chapter 15: A Chat With Mystery Monthly

“Well, let me tell you, that is just incredible!” Matt Michaloff said over speakerphone, “You two sound like quite the young adventurers!”

“Thanks, Mr. Michaloff,” Dipper said, with that starstruck tone he’d had in his voice for the entire interview.

“Please, Dipper, please,” Matt said laughing.

“Right, Matt, sorry,” Dipper said, his cheeks reddening at having his manners corrected yet again.

“Sorry, Matt,” Jo cut in, “My brother’s a bit of a dweeb.”

Matt laughed politely, “Well, he’s a lot cooler than I was in High School, I’ll tell ya that much.”

“Oh, really?” Dipper’s voice cracked slightly, “Ha, thanks, Matt,” Dipper said, with the bashful smile Jo harbored a secret love for, “Did you have any other questions?”

“No, I don’t think so, Dipper,” he said, with the sound of some sheets of paper rustling, “You guys gave me so much great material! Thank you again for making time for the interview so promptly.”

“Yeah, o-of course, no problem!”

“Do you know when this issue’s coming out?” Jo asked eagerly.

“Well, we’re hoping to have it hitting the presses in the next two weeks,” Matt said, “But don’t you fear, you two will be getting a box of advance copies.” Dipper and Jo grinned at each other. Advance copies?! Jo thought excitedly, that sounds so legit! Matt rustled his papers again, “If you two have nothing to add, I think I’ll be saying goodnight to you. I’m eager to get to work on this story.”

“Thanks, Matt!” Jo squeaked, as Dipper said a polite ‘goodnight’ and ended the call.

“Ooooooooooooh my god!” Dipper wailed excitedly, the second the call disconnected, “Oh my god!”

Jo leapt to her feet, full of thrilled nervous energy, “That was so so so freaking cool!” She hopped excitedly from one foot to the other, “That was-- hoh my god!”

“Right?!” Dipper agreed, his eyes gleaming with exhilaration. He hopped to his feet and offered Jo a fist bump with each hand, “Fuckin’ Mystery Kids, man!”

“MysteryKidsMysteryKidsMysteryKiiiiids!” Jo chanted, punching fist bump after fist bump rapidly against her brother’s knuckles.

“You did so good, Jo-jo,” Dipper said, grinning ear to ear, his cheeks still flushed, “You were so cool and casual and like, poised, not a fangirly dork like me.”

“Oh, cram it!” Jo said, directing one of her punches for Dipper’s shoulder instead of his hand, “You were a total boss, bro-tective! You put the man in Dip-man! You were professional as shit.”

“As shit, huh?” Dipper joked, but she could see his shoulders straighten with a hint of pride.

“Yeah, you and Matt had like this awesome rapport goin’ on,” Jo teased, “Like you were the same species and you recognized each other. I had to interrupt a few times there, ‘cause the sexual tension was just, whoa, through. the. roof.”

Dipper had just wiped the grin from his face when Jo elicited the coy, playful crooked one. He ran a hand through his hair from brow to neck, “Oh yeah? Well, how could ole Matt resist this?”

It was so rare that Jo had a chance to see Dipper exuberant and cocky like this. Normally so reserved and responsible, although there was no end to his dry jokes, he rarely let himself play around quite like this. With me and Mabes in the house, there’s already a surplus of silly, Jo noted, It’s a shame. Silly Dip is the cutest Dip. He was still making a show of some idea of manliness, flexing his flimsy biceps and making some attempt at bedroom eyes. Without warning, he grabbed Jo by the waist and dipped her low, as if he knew the first thing about dance.

It didn’t matter. It worked. It ripped Jo right from her thoughts and into his hands, warm and strong, broad against her lower back. His eyes were gleaming darkly, his hair falling softly over his brow, his cheeks pink, his lips just curled in a crooked smile. His lips were like a magnet, like the tastiest morsel of food hung over her and she was starving. Her heart was bouncing around her chest with the thrill of the interview and every beat seemed to push her closer and closer to the invitation of Dipper’s lips.

What the hell are you doing?? She screamed at herself, tugging herself awkwardly from Dipper’s grip. He gave her a perplexed look and she saw the small crease knit between his brows, concerned that he’d offended her, “Jo?” he asked tentatively.

“I’m gonna, uhh, go wash my face,” Jo muttered, unable to meet his eyes. She scurried from the room and into the bathroom, shutting the door a tad too hard behind her. She leaned her back against it, her eyes tickled by tears, trying desperately to slow her frantic heartbeat. You stupid, selfish freak! You could have ruined everything! Jo covered her face with her hands, That was way too freaking close.

Chapter 16: Confrontation

Mabel parked the music department van by the mailbox, right behind Aoshima. Right where it has been, this whole time, Mabel griped bitterly. She realized she’d been holding her breath and made a point of letting it out. She looked at the house apprehensively. Mom’s car was gone, meaning she and dad were still out on their date. Mabel hoped she’d worn the red sweater she’d suggested. The lights were on in the living room, as well as Dipper’s room upstairs. Her heart twinged. They’re in there.

She opened the door and got out, cutting across the lawn to the front door. It had been a long day and her body was weary, but she didn’t feel it. Anger was coursing hot and livid through her veins, stronger than any amount of sugar or caffeine. Her hand was shaking as she turned the key in the lock and entered her house.

Without slowing down, as if pulled by a magnet, Mabel made her way swiftly up the stairs. She reached the second floor as the bathroom door shut hard, just shy of slamming. Dipper’s head poked out of his bedroom door, looking towards the bathroom, after Jolene, Mabel assumed. Mabel stopped in the hall a few paces away from him and crossed her arms, glaring at the back of her brother’s head. What the hell is so interesting about Jo going in the flipping bathroom?! Impatient for Dipper’s attention, having been denied it when she thought it was guaranteed, Mabel pulled her purse from her shoulder and dropped it loudly on the ground.

Dipper nearly jumped out of his skin at the loud thud behind him. He whirled around to find Mabel standing in the hallway, and the sight of her was scarier than the noise had been. She almost didn’t look like Mabel. She was dressed all in black, from head to toe, a black long-sleeved tee shirt and black leggings, glowering at him. Her cheeks were pink and her brown eyes glittering angrily, accusingly. Dipper felt the blood rush from his face. Did she see that? Did she see Jo almost…? Dipper glanced back towards the bathroom, See what, asshole? She wasn’t gonna kiss you, it was all in your twisted up head.

“What the hell, bro,” Mabel said. Her voice was dangerously low, a tone rarely heard that Dipper knew meant business. He looked back at her at once.

“Uh, hi… Mabes,” He said, uneasy under her glare.

“Don’t ‘hi Mabes’ me,” Mabel shook her head, crossing her arms. It was seriously off-putting to see her dressed in black. He was tempted to ask who’d died, but had the sense that they might be his last words.

“Oookay,” Dipper said cautiously, unsure what he was supposed to say if ‘hi’ was out.

“So,” Mabel urged, raising an eyebrow, “What the heck is your excuse?” Dipper blinked at her, desperately trying to come up with an excuse, and an explanation to himself as to what needed excusing. Mabel raised her voice a little, “What happened tonight?”

What happened tonight? Finally! A question he knew the answer to! He knew what had happened tonight, so long as he left out the almost-kissing-Jo part, “Oh! The interview! It went great! It--”

“The...interview…?” Mabel asked, cocking her head cluelessly.

“Yeah, the interview!” Dipper smiled a little, confused by chasing Mabel’s signals this way and that, “With Mystery Monthly about--”

“The interview?!” Mabel spat at him, cutting him off, her eyes suddenly blazing, “That--that is what you were doing tonight?!”

“Umm,” Dipper fidgeted, “Yes?”

“Of course!” Mabel threw up her hands and gave a derisive laugh, “Of course! Of fucking course that’s what you were doing tonight!” Dipper opened his mouth to ask what was going on as she took a step closer to him, “Of course, your stupid mystery thing was more important than my play!”

Oh, shit.

Dipper’s blood ran cold. The play. Everything suddenly clicked into place, opening up a hole in the pit of his stomach. The play, the play, the play. Oh my god, the play was tonight. He accidentally muttered the last part out loud, “Ohmygod, the play was tonight.”

“Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!” Mabel verified facetiously, “The play was tonight and, for the record, it was off-the-charts awesome. Not like you care.”

“It was just opening night, though, right?” Dipper supplicated, holding out his palms, trying to find a solution, “We’ll go tomorrow--”

“Oh, gee whiz, Dip,” Mabel rolled her eyes, “Heartwarming as it is to be an afterthought, that’s really not the flippin’ point at all!”

Ouch, Dipper winced, his hands dropping to his sides, “Mabes, you’re not an afterthought…”

“Yeah?” She scoffed, “Because it sure feels that way! This play has been the only stinking thing I talked about for weeks!” She took another step toward him, angry tears sparkling in her eyes, “I have lived and breathed ‘Twelfth Night’! I have sewed and glued until my fingers bled! I have gone to school early and come home late and you,” she scowled and Dipper’s heart ached, seeing the hurt just under the veneer of her anger, “You--you guys were, were happy to have me gone!”

“That’s not fair, Mabes,” Dipper said, how could she say that? He tried to resist the anger blooming inside him, “That is so not fair. Just because we forgot--”

“Ugggh!” Mabel’s hands clenched into fists, “But you didn’t just forget the play!” She took another step, glaring up at him, “You forgot me! Did you even wonder where I was? While I was looking for you in the audience, in the lobby, out in the parking lot, did you once think ‘Hm, where’s Mabel tonight?’ ” She pointed at him, “No! The whereabouts of stupid Nessie is more important to you than your own sister!”

“What the fuck, Mabel!” Dipper’s anger flared, eating up the unfair accusations like kindling, “You can’t compare Tessie to how--”

“Oh excuuuuse me,” Mabel mocked, “Tessie, not Nessie. Of course I would mix that up, silly stupid Mabel can’t even--”

“Shut up!” Dipper interrupted, grabbing Mabel by her shoulders, “You’re not stupid! You--”

“No, Dipper, I am stupid!” Mabel disagreed, the tears welling in her eyes becoming harder and harder to keep at bay, “It was stupid of me to assume you’d be there, it was stupid of me to--”

“Mabel, no,” Dipper’s anger wilted at the sight of Mabel fighting tears, holding onto her anger so hard, turning it back on herself. His voice softened, “I should have been there. I know how important this was to you and it was selfish and careless of me to forget.” His hand moved from her shoulder to soothingly pet her hair, looking into her tear-glazed eyes, “You’re not stupid. You’re so completely not stupid. I’m stupid for getting so caught up in this contest thing. You know I love you.”

“I love you,” Mabel said softly, blinking hard, fat tears squeezing out from under her eyelids and rolling down her cheeks.

“I know, Mabes,” Dipper said, a little relieved that her anger seemed to have been extinguished.

“No,” Mabel shook her head, and met his gaze again. His stomach dropped, confused by the deep sadness in her eyes, “I love you, Dipper. I love you.”

“Mabel, I don’t--” Before DIpper could blink, he was cut off by Mabel’s lips crushed against his own. She had thrown her arms around his neck and wobbled on her tiptoes, and he leaned down his head towards her, allowing her to rest back on her heels as he eagerly met her kiss. To him she tasted like ice cream and apple pie and just like glitter would taste if it was made of candy and her tears were salty but her lips were soft and Dipper’s mind was shutting down as his body was waking up. His arms went around her and hugged her to him and god she was so small and soft and he could feel her trembling as her anger went out of her. A voice in his head was screaming what’s happening? What’s happening? What do you think you’re doing? What the hell is happening? But it was quiet compared to the sound of Mabel’s almost inaudible sigh against him. Her sigh was in his mouth and a stray thought wondered how her voice could taste so good.

The haze of Mabel that enveloped Dipper like a cotton candy dream shattered with the sound of Jolene’s shocked cry.

Continue to Part 5

#pinecest #pinescest #gravity falls fanfiction #jolene au #jbyc #just because you can #sevralfics

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auswomenwriters · 6 years ago

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It’s January round-up time again, and like last year, we’ve had a decent number of reviews posted. All that summer-time reading has done us proud.

As you’re probably aware, the awards season has started. The Indie Book Awards shortlist was announced in January, so look for my comment on those below. So far in February, we’ve had the announcement of the Stella Prize longlist and the winners of the Victorian Premier’s Literary Awards. However, as this is a January round-up, I’ll leave those for February …

January jottings

January is always a good month for reading – at the beach if it’s pleasant, or in air-conditioned comfort if not! The result was a good month with 54 reviews posted for Literary and Classic books – just a couple less than last January, but still making a good start to our year. Here are some statistical highlights:

Our most reviewed author was Holly Throsby, with five reviews for Cedar Valley

Our top reviewer was Brenda (Goodreads), who submitted five reviews

Sixteen, that is, 27% of the month’s reviews, were for Classics! The reason for this will become obvious below…

The Classics

… which is that Bill (The Australian Legend) hosted his second Australian Women Writers week on his blog, this time for Gen 2 writers. Gen 2 focuses on writing that falls roughly between 1890 and 1918. This month’s Classics authors (not all of whom were Gen 2 writers) were Capel Boake; Mary Grant Bruce (2 books); Ada Cambridge; Isobelle Carmody; Miles Franklin (2 books); Mary Gaunt; Louise Mack (3 books); Ruth Park; Katharine Susannah Prichard; PL Travers; and Ethel Turner (2 books).

Since there are too many here for me to describe in one post, I’ll choose just a couple, starting with Louise Mack (1870-1935) who had three books reviewed. Bill (The Australian Legend) reviewed her schoolgirl novel Teens, and I (Whispering Gums), reviewed its sequel, Girls together, while Nancy, over in the Netherlands, reviewed her memoir, A woman’s experiences in the Great War. Mack was a fascinating woman. She was in Belgium when the war started, and worked as, says Nancy, “the first woman war correspondent for the Evening News and the London Daily Mail. This book is her eye-witness account of the German invasion of Antwerp. 28 September – 10 October 1914 (1 week and 5 days).” Nancy described the book as “Good eye-witness reporting…but very outmoded” in approach and style, which is probably not surprising, given its time-frame.

Two participants wrote about Mary Grant Bruce’s Billabong books. Michelle Scott Tucker, author of the biography, Elizabeth Macarthur: A life at the edge of the world, wrote about the whole Billabong series. Like me who read my mother’s old copies of these books, Michelle read her mother’s friend’s copies, and said she “was transported”. While recognising that the books suffer now because they exhibit their time’s attitudes to race, gender and class, Michelle says that at their best they

championed the values of independence, mateship, hard work (for women and children, as well as men), and bush hospitality.

However, she concludes that because their values are disturbing to us,

Their value now is more for their insights into a not-so-distant historical period and mindset, rather than as a book that a modern child might thrill to read by torchlight, under the covers.

Brenda (GoodReads) reviewed Captain Jim, the sixth in the series. It is set in England during World War 1, and tells about a home set up by the series’ heroine, Norah, and her father, to help soldiers newly released from hospital to recover completely before heading back to war. Brenda greatly enjoyed the book, saying that “it’s exceptionally well written (originally published in 1919) and both heartwarming, and heartbreaking”.

Non-fiction (General)

We have two non-fiction categories here at the Challenge: “history, memoir and biography”, and – well – the rest (aka “non fiction, general”)! Most of our non-fiction reviews fall into the former category, and most non-fiction isn’t flagged as literary, but this month we had three. Two have been short and/or longlisted for literary awards – Chloe Hooper’s The arsonist, and Maria Tumarkin’s Axiomatic. Being listed for significant literary awards like the Stella Prize or the Melbourne Prize for Literature automatically qualifies a book as “literary”, but otherwise the decision can be subjective. Our readers seem to have agreed that television journalist Leigh Sales’ book, Any ordinary day, should also be tagged “literary”.

Chloe Hooper’s The arsonist is garnering a lot of attention, partly of course because its subject is so close to Australia’s heart in summer. Kate (booksaremyfavouriteandbest) explains why it is seen as “literary”. It has a “compelling narrative”, the writing is “poetic”, and Hooper “manages to include the necessary factual information without slipping into pure journalistic reporting”. All these point to its being firmly in the “creative non-fiction” genre. Calzean reviewed it briefly on GoodReads, describing it as “scary” and “complex due to the mental state of the arsonist”.

I reviewed Maria Tumarkin’s Axiomatic, a collection of essays which interrogates some of those axioms we tend to accept as given – such as “time heals all wounds” and “you can’t step in the same river twice” – revealing that there’s a lot more to these so-called “truths” than we think. It’s an idiosyncratic, provocative book, written in a style that keeps you on your toes, but it is compelling and, importantly for me, compassionate.

Three participants reviewed Leigh Sales book: Brona (Brona’s Books), Life After Sixty-five, and Kali Napier (GoodReads). Life After Sixty-five liked the way Sales blends her research and investigation with some very personal questions about trauma, tragedy and “why me?” She says that

this book is worthy of a bright highlighter, something I couldn’t use on my borrowed library book. There is not a waffling word in this generous, searching and compassionate quest for answers to some big questions.

Brona was initially sceptical – after all, a big journalist writes a book and gets big publicity – but says she was “very wrong” to have doubted! The book, she says,

is all about reminding us that the big stuff can happen at any time and that we should remember to be grateful for, and savour, the everyday, ordinary moments, for ‘they’re not so ordinary, really. Hindsight makes them quite magical‘.

Kali Napier (GoodReads) was not as enamoured as our other two reviewers, feeling that Sales’ sense of “randomness” is not completely valid. Kali argues that “society is not a level playing field. For many, traumatic events, grief, loss and acts of violence are more LIKELY to happen to them because they don’t live in the bubble of being white, middle-class, beautiful, loved, etc etc.” I haven’t read the book, but this question has crossed my mind when I’ve heard this book discussed. Anyhow, in the end Kali is concerned:

So much focus on ‘good people’ who aren’t ‘deserving’ of the events that befall them implies the inverse: that there are bad people out there, and they are more deserving of being blindsided.

But, she says, this is her “subjective gut reaction”. Sounds like we need more readers and reviewers! Interested?

Indie Book Awards 2019

The shortlist for the Indie Book Awards – which are voted by Australia’s independent booksellers – was announced on January 16. There are books by women in each of the three main categories of interest to my section. All have been reviewed for the Challenge, which is pleasing to see, though not all in January.

Fiction: (2 of 4, by women)

Jane Harper’s The lost man (Macmillan Australia). (Her Force of nature was shortlisted last year)

Kristina Olsson’s Shell (Scribner Australia)

Non-fiction: (3 of 4, by women)

Chloe Hooper’s The arsonist (Penguin Random House Australia)

Bri Lee’s Eggshell skull (Allen & Unwin)

Leigh Sales’ Any ordinary day (Penguin Random House Australia)

Debut fiction: (1 of 4, by a woman)

Heather Morris’ The tattooist of Auschwitz (Echo Publishing)

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The winners will be announced on 18 March at the 2019 Leading Edge Books conference in Adelaide.

———————

About Me

I am Whispering Gums and I read, review and blog about (mostly) literary fiction. It was reading Jane Austen when I was 14 years old that turned me on to reading literary fiction/classics, which is why I am here today doing this round-up! Little did Jane know what she started!

My love of Aussie literature started with Banjo Paterson’s ballads and Ethel Turner’s Seven Little Australians in my childhood. But, I didn’t really discover Australian women’s writing until the 1980s when I fell in love with Elizabeth Jolley, Thea Astley, Olga Masters, Helen Garner and Kate Grenville. Ever since then I have been included a good percentage of Australian (and other) women writers in my reading diet.

Classics and Literary Round-up: January 2019 It's January round-up time again, and like last year, we've had a decent number of reviews posted.

#Awards #Classics #Literary

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caribmdguy · 6 years ago

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There were times when I thought I couldn’t get through, was homesick, seriously doubted my ability to learn this stuf, but I somehow managed! First year of med school and MPH is done, and feeling pretty relieved and thankful to have made it this far. So as long as work on the island goes, I’m over half way done now, and am a brand-new MS2. Feels good! So first term MPH, Term 1 med, Term 2 MPH (summer), and Term 2 med are done. I did also start an online MBA starting on Term 1 med, and all of my degree requirements are complete and just waiting on confirmation. I thought it would be a good idea…but it was a lot of work on top of everything…so while I don’t ultimately regret overextending myself it was a beast of a year (technically year and a half). Looking forward, I’ve got terms 3/4 starting this January-tomorrow (really just one very long term, which is 5 1/2 months) and term 5 left on the island. And my capstone and internship to do at some point between now and starting rotations to finish up my MPH. So by early December ’19 I’ll be done in Grenada and back to the states with my wife to study for the Step! AH! Still so far to go.

“Don’t like pizza today, foolish human” -our cat

I’ma look back on how each of the terms went, what I did to study, things I’ve learned. While I’ll do a more detailed post, Term 1 was intense in that you’re still acclimating to life in med school and life on the island a bit. While I thought a lot of my class appeared to drop out (we started with 452 people in the main cohort and ended with 385 in Term 1), anecdotally the people that actually left seemed to do so because acclimation was hard for them-coming down here just wasn’t a good fit. From adapting to a new way of life in a foriegn country away from your creature comforts, to being hopelessly far from family, to being at the whims of the school as large as mine is (easy to feel like just a number)…it all can be super frustrating on top of your actual studies.

And to be real, by now everyone in my circle of friends has had some family/friends problems from back home. Anywhere from breakups with long-term SO’s to deaths in the family. Just not something you think about when you first come down. In this past term an uncle of mine passed away after a long battle with cancer, right before a test. Couldn’t be there for the funeral, couldn’t book a flight that fast and be back for the test, felt horribly guilty for not being there, a bit broken inside because I hadn’t talked to said uncle since he was at our wedding, and it weighted pretty heavily on my mind. Still sat for the test, and while I passed it, it was my worst one by far. But my experience isn’t unique…sadly dealing with these realities is something that anyone has to work through and it’s difficult enough with med school. But being so far from home when things like that happen just makes you feel…completely helpless. By term 2 most people, myself included, were pretty burned out and/or getting depressed. People don’t like to talk about these things but it’s true. And to be fair I don’t think our feelings are unique as med students as all-everyone gets burned out at some point, but being so far away is one more thing to worry about.

I will say that I started to feel more optimistic about my overal situation after term 1. Turns out theres a lot of saftey net here as long as you’re putting in the work and at least get past term 1 (gotta get at least a 69.5 I believe for term 1 but have to keep above 75 cumulative), in that those with academic problems were put into ITI (“Interactive Team Instruction,” a group based learning format) with more one-to-one learning and a more stringent (more class-time) schedule. When they leave for ITI, they’re taken out of the lecture based format group, making the actual class size look smaller than it is. Those that improved were sent back to lecture based format. And a decent amount of people repeat a semester here or there or are given the option to do so to improve their grade. This is super important in term 5 I’ve been told, because it’s mostly reviewing all the things from terms 1-4 to prep for the step, and the school wants you to pass it on the first go ideally scoring over 225 (average last year was 229). That said, last year about 120 term 5’s aparently repeated the term (out of around 900 I believe).

They give a step style test (NBME exam, they write the step and use old USMLE questions) at the end of years 1 and 2 that correlate well with your step score and cover all the material you’ve learned up to that point, and showed us that repeating term 5 boosted those that were struggling to get into this ideal score range to where they need to be to be competitive for residency. While I’m doing pretty well and am not worried about repeating… I really don’t want to be on the island longer than needed. One hell of a motivator-but anything can happen. That’s what I’m most scared of at this point as well as leaving an awesome group of friends behind. It seems like term 4 is super difficult and term 5 is really stressful because of the step style tests that are worth a majority of your grade (along with hospital visits and everything else). So I will say that the drop-out rate isn’t nearly as high as it looks, but there is a pretty big chunk of people that repeate a semester and take longer to complete, making it look much worse than it really is. From all that and what I’ve seen so far, attrition is not that bad here, at least not as bad as I was led to believe coming down. But it’s not the full story. It’s equally fair to say that it’s pretty common to take longer than 4 years to complete from repeating a bad semester.

As per what SGU said, only 14 people completely “dropped” out of the program due to academic reasons this past year, but they were pretty vague about this. This past fall they accepted the largest term 1 class to date, rumored to be at about 1,400 students (now broken up into 9 “colleges” with seperate classes/groupings or something like that, I’m not completely sure), and they reassured us that there is an abundance of clinical spots available to all of us. I was worried before this and rumors started spreading, because thats a huge class, and our class of about 420? will be vying for the same clinical spots as the incoming August class…and I was fairly sure we have about 1,000 clinical spots… but just get through term 5 and kill the step they say. I wish they were a bit more transparent about all of this but for my own sanity I’m removing my skeptic hat and am just going to focus on doing the best I can. And as far as I can tell nobody has ever had trouble getting a clinical spot here so…I think it’ll work out. Staying positive. New years resolution? Get through it and off the island!

Saw Imagine dragons!

haven’t kayaked in a while

and some hiking 😀

Term 2 MPH was not that bad! The only thing that kinda sucked was that it started immediately after term 1 med, as in we finished our last test on a Friday and started classes on Monday. Thankfully they changed things around and began offering many (but not all) classes online, so I was able to do this from home in NY instead of having to stay in Grenada longer. More time with the wife! I stayed an extra week on campus because the ticket prices spike when everyone leaves the island and I waited a bit too long to book this time. But MPH classes are nothing like med classes, and was honestly a good change of pace since medicine is so laser focussed on details and memorizing facts, so it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture from a population/societal standpoint. Lots of reading, discussion posts, essays, and video type presentations. This term was 2 months long with 3 classes (9 credits) and that gave me a little more than a month to “relax” before starting term 2 med.

But I’m a nerd, and always feel like I need to be doing something. So I worked ahead on my MBA program during my break so I’d have less to do while in med school. I did this through Smartly, an online program I discovered while waiting overnight at Charlottesville airport to fly in for Term 1 med. I was actually searching the web for how to do accounting, since I had just filed my business as an LLC and needed to keep more stringent books for upcoming taxes. Super exciting, I know. But I came accross their program like this and they had an open “Business Foundations” course that included accounting fundamentals, and I learned basically what I needed to learn with that, for free, with some extra information that was useful for running a business. Then I found that if you were accepted the program it’s free (seriously, it’s pretty badass), so I submitted all the things you’d normally submit to an MBA program and finished up the Business Foundations course as they use as part of the admissions process.

Accepted-it’s free too!

Part of the Business Foundations course breakdown

I’ll do a post to talk more in depth about my experience with this more in the future I promise. But the low down–>It’s not accredited, first and foremost, by AACSB (although neither is SGU’s MBA), but it’s also very new, with the program launching in 2016, and it does take years to accredit. If you’ve ever used Doulingo before, it’s kind of similar to that. There’s bite-sized 5-10 minute lessons that you can do more or less as you please even on a cellphone, using active learning with a “smartcase” at the end of each block (that are graded). So you can do it in small chunks and work ahead when you have time. They use slack to interact with classmates and there’s some projects to do, along with two major tests. I thought it was a great opportunity to learn more about how to run my business better…man have I been fucking up…and really, learning more about business is a good idea for those in healthcare, especially for anyone dreaming about opening up a private practice one day or doing their part to un-fuck this wretched health system we have in the US. I’m by no means saying that a free online MBA is the equivelent to Wharton, and actually my wife is doing her “real” MBA now so we compare notes on this, but if it’s not going to be your “primary” thing you need to know, why not learn what you need to learn for free, right?

Made my way a begrudgingly back to the island for term 2 med and moved off campus too, which was pretty exciting. Term 2 was overal more difficult feeling than term 1. I’ve been told this is kind of a…theme. While I do think there was objectively more information to learn than in term 1, by now we had already had a better idea of what we were in for, and how to go about studying things. For example, how I study for histology, anatomy, biochemical pathways, and all the rest remained pretty similar to what I had figured out and done in term 1. I already had a study system to work with and had an idea of what I needed to do to learn the things. But by now, with more information coming our way, I had to find ways to be more efficient and constantly adapt and find new or faster ways to learn. I found some useful tools and tricks I wish I would have been using faithfully like I did in term 2 from day one in term 1.

For example, I stopped listening to lectures about halfway through term 2. They did make a major change here, across the board they cut lecture time in half (2 a day instead of 4), and lectures focused on difficult/high yeild topics. They moved a lot of content to “directed learning activities” (DLA’s), which honestly, I loved. Because we did so much more of the DLA’s, which I could rewind on difficult parts and watch over and over, and watch at double speed, I realized I could do the same with lectures since they’re all recorded. I also noticed that a lot of the high-performing people in our class showed up for lecture but studied/did different things, not paying attention. So what I ended up doing essentially is that throughout term 2 I’d “post-read” the lectures by making flashcards on Osmosis (like supercharged Anki, I’ll talk about this more soon), and the next day I’d do those flashcards in lecture, clicking in to get the attendance point. I did feel a bit guilty about this at first but I was technically there anyway.

Then I’d watch the lectures online at 2x speed, effectively saving about an hour-ish of time and working through part of my flashcard que early in the morning. I’m not sure if thats going to work going forward but it worked really well in term 2 in that I saved a lot of time and to be completely honest I think I learned the material better that way, because I could fly through the easy or low-yield things and rewind over the hard parts until I got it. I also cut down pretty significantly on my note taking and focussed a lot of time towards making and doing flashcards, making my own picmonics/mnemonics, reading first aid, and videos. Basically anything to take the more complicated lectures and simplify it. Also prioritized anything that required active recall/learning over passive.

But term 2 was hugely rewarding; I went into med school thinking I really wanted to be a neurologist, and our neuro/behavioral block was a 10 week/3 test beast at the end of term 2. I LOVED it. It was hard, but I did well on it. Everything we learned was highly clinically relevant and brought all the other systems of the body together nicely. I started to see things from the bigger picture. This was especially true while prepping for our BSCE/NBME exam (worth 15% of our grade, the largest of our test grades), which is made by the same people that make the USMLE step 1 exam and is basically a “half” step. In that it’s half the length and about half the content since we havent really delved into pathology in ton of detail yet. For this I reviewed all of the topics we learned in term 1 from a more broad point of view using Osmosis similar to how I imagine I’ll be prepping for the step in another year. We didn’t have a lot of time to do this though, since we still had our psychology block exam and our objective structured physical exam that week. So I triaged–>things I sucked at I tried to go over first. I ended up doing way better on this one than I thought I would, and actually improved my overall grade from what I had term 1. So it was a pretty sweet way to end the term!

With the last test on the books, a fried brain and flight out the next day, getting on that plane back to the frigid north was like a breath of fresh air. I was getting burned out, sleep deprived and missing my family. But alot happened in 2018, and it was time to recharge. The wife even came down to Grenada a little bit before classes start for a vacation, which was perfect!

Time to start Term 3!

First year of med school on the books! There were times when I thought I couldn't get through, was homesick, seriously doubted my ability to learn this stuf, but I somehow managed!

#Grenada #Medical School #Medicine #MPH #MS1 #SGU #Year One

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