#I did not expect to be able to relax and enjoy it bc anxiety is a monster

[neverbeforeandneversince]

you guys… I went out to dinner last night !!!!

[strooples]

Some reviews on a handful of popular anime

This won’t be too in-depth, so basically a thoughts dump. But thinking about it, in terms of more popular anime + anime movies, I felt a bit let down seeing a few awhile back. My memories on each will vary in range, though it’s worth a shot to get down the mental notes I took.

In terms of anime, I wanted to talk about parts of “Komi Can’t Communicate” (which I was told beforehand was a story exploring a character with social anxiety) and “Horimiya”. Both did some funny things, both had new/refreshing takes. But likewise, both stories had other issues that made it a bit hard to generally enjoy. So, I’ll start with those 2.

1) Komi Can’t Communicate

In “Komi Can’t Communicate,” I felt kinda bugged how the MC was treated while Komi sort of rebounds on the impossibly-pretty-therefore-everyone-is-obsessed-with-her situation. Some of the classmates start off cold to Tadano (the MC) and very generously nice to Komi on very superficial standards. I guess I expected social anxiety to generally be explored in its alienating aspect over reverence. Though you could say that many of the classmates initially didn’t see Komi as an equal human being genuinely. The random instances of meanness towards the MC and superficial treatment towards Komi threw me off heavily because not being able to communicate to anyone and struggling to fit into a new, very judgmental schooling environment are some serious issues.

Komi and Tadano, the 2 main characters.

It was still pretty hard to see people so angry at the main character for existing, even some of the later friends of Komi. My SO who enjoyed the show more than me did tell me of Komi’s group of friends, only 1 has gone extremely far (like, beyond the brink of acceptable comedy) and even they have seen repercussions for harmful actions. But it feels weird to have things bounce back so lightly bc the ML ended up being the butt of jokes. At the same time, it’s hard to deny how the concept of a socially-phobic girl who struggles to talk and speak to those around her — yet being idolized by those same people as almost a status symbol over a human being — was still interesting overall. Also just the desire to make genuine friends, despite struggling with your anxieties around others.

Minus the yandere girl who takes things too far, there’s genuinely nice moments — Komi opening up, Komi’s wholesome family (+ etc.). And some genuinely funny characters/situations, like the blond guy (I forgot there names; it’s been awhile) who looks scary on the outside but is also nervous inwardly. Overall, it wasn’t my cup of tea even though it wasn’t bad??

2) Horimiya

*Okay, so technically I didn’t start with the anime. I read the manga but I admittedly do really like the author’s art style!

“Horimiya” also starts with a concept that could’ve been elaborated on and lead to interesting scenarios — mainly the 2 MC’s living somewhat of a different life outside of school than their schoolmates would expect. In that category, it’s sort of like a more recent rendition of a “Switch Girl”-esque romcom story. It starts with a refreshing confession that happens basically the beginning. No mishaps or drawn out tensions & dramas beforehand (which could be done well too in other stories but also super super common). However, after that the original concept of a double life gets thrown away and the story gets super super slice-of-lifey. Which isn’t bad in general (a lot of times the humor was fun). Though TBH it generally felt directionless after, and not in a relaxing way I expected from SOL but sorta just… hard to continue? I got a bit bored and struggled to keep reading.

I also had issues with some of the gags (like the girl-beating-up-the guy/basically-abusing-him-played-off-as-a-joke trope) and the relationship norms (just in general how jealousy and possessiveness seemed normalized/expected). The violence was a bit… much? The LGBT jokes like on same-sex relationships was too much also. And it was generally a bit buggy to see Miyamura constantly get physically punished by Hori for situations he didn’t understand/couldn’t have, or situations he was even right in.

The main focus/relationship was what stagnated the work. And already, it was unfortunately the relationship we were supposed to pay attention to most wasn’t ideal for Miyamura, had little chemistry (my subjective opinion here though), and sorta just dredged out. I’d much prefer a lot of the duller moments to be exchanged for other things. Some of my suggestions being on how they could’ve elaborated on characters like Shu’s sister, Sakura, Yanagi etc.

But I do feel one of the best strongpoints of the story was when Hori and Miyamura were at the Hori’s residence. The scenes were comforting and happy, seeing how the entire family and Miyamura spent time together and had dinners. I also ended up rooting for Sakura because of how grounded and down-to-earth she was. So the SOL moments in this wasn’t too bad of a thing, and there were decent aspects and a few likeable characters. It just wasn’t enough to make it great in particular.

Now, in terms of movies…..

…it’s got to be 2 that I watched awhile ago. A handful of things left me leaning towards feeling indifferent at the end of the day, and those were “A Silent Voice” and “Your Name.” Both had massive debates in online circles over which was the best anime movie of the year, but both fell a bit flat for me personally despite all the build-up. For “A Silent Voice” though, I do think the discussions it generated were pretty important because it resonated with a lot of people’s personal experiences (so it isn’t something I mean to discount & the themes it touched upon made it a bit more interesting).

3) A Silent Voice

I think “A Silent Voice” had a lot more that could be said of it, both good + unhelpful towards its prime topic of bullying. IMO, it’s interesting to have the main character be a former perpetrator-turned victim. I think we’re able to see a lot of nuance, namely how even the formerly-unsympathetic side can feel remorse, can grow up with low self-esteem, can even be a victim themselves. We see the situation flip, people change, and people with the capacity to want to be better. And we also see how fast a society/group of people are, in terms of ignoring the main problem to ostracize a scapegoat — while trying to shirk facing consequences or guilt of their own. It’s especially interesting & heart-wrenching that we go to see the life-long trauma inflicted to both Shoya and Shouko. All the while their other perpetrators are ignored (like Kazuki, who bullied both). We also see terrible people being terrible in different ways, from the more visibly terrible Ueno to the self-victimizing Kawai who will put on an innocent face — even tears — all while pretending she has no idea of horrible things she enabled/even partook in.

But where it goes very, very wrong is structuring it out to be a love story of a victim with her former bully. Though I liked the concept of the former bully try to make amends — genuinely feeling guilt and wanting to do better — writing it in that direction had very Stockholm Syndromey-vibes. They could’ve eventually become friends; they didn’t need to develop romantically and the situation honestly didn’t requisite such a relationship. You could argue that people do get Stockholm Syndrome and start feeling that way when given decent treatment by those who’ve formerly hurt them, but then it would’ve been written a bit differently. Like not really emphasizing romantic feelings, but rather a mix of situations and confusing problems, where a crush wasn’t centric to the themes presented.

The aforementioned friend group, strung together by the end of the movie. I think there was a few more but I don’t remember quite clearly?

The ending especially was very uncomfortable where Kawai was presented as a good person trying to pep-talk Shouko and all the main characters are in a now-formed friend group, sort of just mashing together. Ueno’s issues and callousness towards Shouko were never resolved, yet they were in there together. It was presented as a happy ending, but I think a lot of the characters fundamentally had issues (like did Shoya honestly feel good around all these people??? Did Kawai basically BS to look/feel like a good person while never owning up?? Is Shouko going to be re-traumatized around a horrible person like Ueno??).

All of the above combined made me leave the movie with general discomfort. Though at the time, I couldn’t put into words what was wrong? It took awhile for me to think the situation wasn’t that great for Shoya and Shouko, still.

Onto our last review dumping!

4) Your Name

“Your Name” is the last anime franchise I wanted to talk about, and I don’t deny the animation and art were pretty amazing! Like you could see the gruesome and tedious effort put into every little scene.

Seriously though, the picturesque backgrounds are where most Makoto Shinkai works shine! Though I didn’t love this movie as much as others did, it does really make me curious of his past & future works.

But as a story? I don’t think it had much depth. Which doesn’t mean it wasn’t enjoyable, because it was still fun watching. It was just lackluster for a movie that wanted to build up the emotional aspects.

Of course, it has some good build-up and somewhat of an atmosphere for the deeper emotions in the world. There was also an underlying thread about traditions vs. the modern world, what is lost vs. what we must preserve. Personally, those messages don’t resonate with me but they are things can could be worked with and built up pretty well. We see it in how Mitsuha wants to move away from her slow, mostly-rural hometown to pursue a life in the more bustling, modern city of Tokyo. Her background? Living with her primary caretaker — her grandma, the main female figure of Mitsuha’s life. Her grandma wants her to partake in the spiritual traditions of their Shinto shrine, from shrine maiden rituals to watching the grandma sew on an old loom that’s now nothing more but a loss art. And then we get the strained family relationships: How her dad abandoned his duties to the shrine for a career in politics after their mother died, while Mitsuha (now older) generally resents/dislikes his presence as an uptight bureaucrat vying for his image. Deep down, she doesn’t feel either of their lifestyles are ideal. But like her father, wants to shed aside traditions for something more modern (such as a big city life). We end up with that dichotomy, which is a strong basis to begin with.

The Shinto shrine maiden ceremony.

So with all of that, we generally expect to have insight into the family life and background of Taki (the ML). But instead, besides his school friends and work crush, we don’t even hear or see much of his dad. His home life is left an absolute blank sheet, with his character staying incomplete. He’s a blank slate with nothing but a spot for the viewers to project themselves into. He has a job. He has an oddly specific hobby of drawing detailed pictures of lots of landscapes and structures. That second one is especially interesting — like wtf, he can draw complex structures by memory?? Yet it doesn’t get elaborated upon at all. Nothing does.

So the love story follows. There’s a lot of emotional scenes, body switches, disastrous current events, memories forgotten at the end of the day before they all meet up again. But nothing quite tied me to the ML nor even Mitsuha. I did feel invested in them meeting each other. Yet as people, I wasn’t quite invested in Taki nor fond of either. Which for a love story, is bad because you’d hope to see the other half being built up with solid background and characterizations. Leaving his life stories empty felt like it meant he was someone we could project ourselves into (and perhaps that was the purpose as is in many romance genre stories?) but it made it a lot weaker and less elaborated. Being a core, fundamental detail and all.

On my end conclusions:

I really thought each of these stories had more potential. Either to be in-depth, nuanced, interesting, or better-structured (and/or needing a few character reforms). Also, I fully see why someone would enjoy a large chunk of them or feel inspired by them. Sadly, each fell flat for me.

Though of the 4, I often think of “A Silent Voice” because regardless of its flaws, such a work is important at beginning a lot of discussions — such as the hardcore school bullying in Japan or bullying in general. And for “You Name,” it really introduced me to Makoto Shinkai works and a few of his other movies, so I don’t deny the talent behind his skills and creativity in a lot of instances. It was mainly those that stuck with me?

At the end of the day, I hope I elaborated my thoughts on what I found good in each and what made me not feel as invested in them! And of course, if you felt other things were done better or ended up liking them more, that’s valid too and up for discussion!!

[floridakilo]

What was DMT like, would you do it again? Also does doing heroin get in the way of your everyday life (like school etc.) or are you able to do it once in awhile? You are so intriguing

i liked it but its not something i would do regularly bc its expensive and is over so quickly. id do it again but its not as good as ketamine but is also similar to ket...its def better than lsd shrooms and molly. as for the high its all in your head type visions, as in you have to close your eyes and relax to enjoy it, its more contemplative like k. unlike lsd the stuff around you is shifting and very active which can be anxiety inducing. and as for heroin i technically only did heroin a couple times when i couldn't get my daily opioids because heroin makes you SLEEPY af, you cant do heroin and expect to be functioning during the day so i would just do it at night. as for opioids like fentanyl and oxy i maintained a normal life while using daily for over a year but it eventually got too expensive when i got arrested and lost my job. i've done opioids 3 times without "Relapsing" on fentanyl/heroin which i havent done since 2020 because my dealers went to jail. but i would not recommend doing it because its hit or miss some people lives are ruined and some people can balance addiction and having a normal life

[nepenthendline]

hiiiii, your blog really feels like a safe space for me and I’m pretty sure other people because of how represented you make the readers feel, so thank you so much for your writing!! I was thinking if you’re comfortable could you please write some headcannons of tendou, suga, and kuroo w/ a s/o with selective mutism? thank you so much!!!!

Firstly I’m so glad you feel safe in this space!! And secondly I relate to this so much, I was selectively mute as a child and was offered a lot of speech therapy and even now I still struggle with it so I totally understand. I hope you like this and I did it well for you! I’m also going with a generalisation that you feel comfortable speaking in front of these boys when the two of you are in a safe space so I hope thats ok! 🥰🥰🥰 Also tendou’s is the longest bc its just so easy to write for him lol

S/O with selective mutism - Tendou, Sugawara and Kuroo

Tendou:

Tendou is your guy when it comes to dealing with selective mutism

he’s already so used to building a strong relationship with Ushijima, someone who doesn’t speak that often, that it doesn’t feel much different with you

he’s bold, he’s loud, he’s distracting - it’s the perfect combination to take the pressure of you

when he first met you at school and noticed that he had never once heard you speak, he thought you were just a shy, quiet one so he never really considered selective mutism

but as you two started getting closer and creating your relationship, he saw a whole new side of you that loved to chat, joke and sing with him

when you told him about your mutism, his reply was simply, “Ok cool!” and went on with his day - it doesn’t matter to him in the slightest

he does though, of course, ask you a lot of questions when the two of you are alone, cuddled up in his bed where you felt the safest to speak, about how it affects you, what situations/people/places trigger it and what he can do to help you

he WILL learn sign language with/for you if you want to or do use it, you never have to feel like you are burdening him with learning this - “it’s just like volleyball signals, right baby?” he says with the biggest grin on his face

if not full sign language, the two of you do develop non-verbal signs or cues so that, in times where you cannot speak, you can still communicate with him

uses a lot of stimulus fading - he knows it can be so hard for you to meet people and make friends, so slowly one-by-one, he introduces his teammates to you, first taking control of the conversation, then slowly pulling back as you get better and more comfortable at joining in

he starts of with Ushijima, as he feels he’s the least overwhelming, and makes sure the two of you meet in one of your safe spaces (probably his bedroom)

he does his best to distract the teacher from you whenever they want someone to answer a question in class or read out a passage

struggle with eye contact? no problem for him! he knows you’re listening and taking note of what he’s saying

if you’re someone who gets clingier in situations where you cannot speak then he relishes in the feeling of having you clutching onto his arm or hand - he knows you do it because you’re anxious but he just loves feeling your touch

if people make fun of you about it, or ask him about you, he makes a joke as though he has no idea what they’re talking about, “huh? my Y/N? too quiet? maybe you’re just hard of hearing?”

he will happily take over in social situations if you cannot do it yourself, whether that’s ordering for the two of you, or answering questions for you

he never wants you to feel like he’s just taking over though, he will always ask if you are up to speaking in different places or situations - he wants to hear you voice and give you situations where you can use it

he’s so so proud of you if you, eventually, speak in a situation you might not have done so before, he doesn’t expect sentences from you, but even if its just a quiet ‘yes’ or ‘no’ if he asks you a question

he can manage mood swings and any temper very well - he learns quickly what he needs to do and say in these moments and brings you to a safe space to let you relax for a while, he’s absolutely fine with having you stay quiet for a while after being in an anxious state

he’s amazing at reading you, so even if you cannot use non-verbal communication well during periods of mutism, he still learns how to tell what you are feeling or thinking

Sugawara:

as soon as you tell Sugawara about your selective mutism, he is instantly looking it up and finding out all about it

while Tendou takes a more lax approach to helping you, Sugawara is a lot more serious and structured

he will sit down with you in a safe space and ask you to let him know what he can do to help you, when the mutism is present and why, and of anything he should know

he has lists of your safe spaces and people so that he can refer to them if needed

he works on making a particular date-spot a safe space for you, maybe a certain cafe you two enjoy where he will slowly break down your fear in the place and encourage small bits of communication with you

he does his best to slowly integrate verbal communication into your relationship, such as sending you voice memos rather than texts or videos of him talking so you can get used to his communication style

he’ll keep an eye on you often in public places, especially in class, to know if you need anything, need to go to the bathroom, how you are feeling, in case you cannot bring it up yourself - the last thing he wants is for you to get ill because you were not able to express an issue

Sugawara is able to come up with a few signals with you for basic communication in case you need to ask or say something when you cannot speak - he wants to make sure that, even if it’s not verbal, that you have a voice somehow

he does his best to learn how different places or people affect you and always keeps in mind each different situation’s severity for you - he will make sure the two of you avoid areas where you cannot cope well at all to the point of struggling to move or use non-verbal communication

it takes him a little while to learn your ways of non-verbal communication - at first it’s a lot of guessing until he gets it right, but he gets there eventually with you help

he never gets frustrated with you, he is there to help and guide you and has no problem taking the lead

he’s the most likely to ask if you’ve considered therapy to help with your mutism

it’s not that it bothers him in the slightest, but he knows it is usually caused or brought on by extreme anxiety or other disorders, and he wants to make sure you are happy over anything else

he praises you when you communicate, but he never treats you any differently or acts surprised - he tells you that you’ve done well and that he’s proud but he does his best not to make a big deal out of it

Kuroo:

Like Tendou, he’s quite familiar with people who don’t talk much

while Kenma does speak more freely than you, Kuroo is aware and deals well with his anxieties, and can use this knowledge with you too

he knows well that you don’t talk sometimes because you can’t, or because you are too afraid, rather than because you just don’t want to, so he will never pressure you into talking

Kuroo is the best at stimulus fading - he will slowly acclimatise you to different people or situations by taking full control, then giving you little prompts to join in until he can step back and let you communicate without the need for them

he’s quite good at reading your non-verbal communication, even if its quite different from others and learns quickly what certain movements or signals mean

he likes to get you more prepared for talking by using familiarity techniques, such as reading a book aloud to you and, every now and then, asking you to read a line or a couple words back to him, or asking you to tell him about your interests since he knows they’re safer topics for you

quiet time between the two of you is no problem for him - he enjoys being in silence with you so, even if you are fully comfortable talking with him when its just the two of you, he knows you might need some time where you don’t talk if you’ve had a particularly anxious day

he likes to play games with you to try and strengthen your non-verbal communication without the need for you to talk - things like charrades or guessing games where you can act things out if you feel comfortable enough to do so

he’s a smart guy, so if you’re struggling with your school work but cannot ask the teacher for help, he is prepped with notes and study sessions together

also, if you have a school project that requires you to present in some way, he is very good at coming up with alternative ways of you being about to show your work with limited talking

he thinks therapy would be a good idea for you to look into, but he won’t bring it up often - it’s your choice how you want to battle this and he will be with you every step of the way no matter what

he understands it can be very frustrating for you so he takes a lot of time out with you to help you destress and manage your emotions, this includes writing out how you are feeling to try and make sense of them and making sure you are taking care of yourself

he tries his best to make light of the situation as he doesn’t want you to feel weird or out of place

this includes a lot of teasing Kenma about how he’s ‘even quieter than you’ when you’re doing particularly well at your communication

facing fears is a really big thing for him to do with you - he understands that you often may think ‘if I don’t do this thing/go to this place, I won’t have to speak’, so he always reminds you he will be by your side in case you need to rely on him

[ververa]

In Her Kiss

So, the anon said: billie dean x reader, reader is billie's assistant and they're flying to some haunted place but the reader is terrified of flying and billie offers to sit next to her to help calm her down, she's usually a strict boss but she has a soft spot for reader. when the flight takes of the usually calm and shy reader begins to have a panic attack, strongly gripping billie's hand and cry. billie is a bit surprised of how much pain this is causing the reader but tries to do everything in her power to make her feel better, like let her cry in her lap or kiss her to distract and ground her( bc she's lowkey into her and reader of course has a fat crush on billie). little angst with lots of fluff pls🥺

A/N: I absolutely loved this idea and I did my best to write is as good as possible. Also this song kinda made me think of Billie Dean and inspired me, and bc I was looking for something suitable for over 6 hours, I’ll just put it here as well.

Thank you so much for the request! Hope you’ll enjoy it <3 

Words: 2.087

Billie Dean Howard x reader

You had always known that living a normal life wasn't for you. You found everyday routine boring. You looked at other people and thought to yourself that it wasn't how you wanted to live. You wanted something spectacular. You wanted to do something important. Experience things that other people were afraid of. You wanted to explore and learn.

That's why you started studying paranormal activities. You didn't necessarily know what you'd do after graduating, but you didn't care. You enjoyed it and that's all that mattered. You were one of the best students in your group and they even offered you some help with getting PhD. The only thing you had to do was to spend some time being around something or someone that actually  had something to do with paranormal activity. Luckily for you your father knew the person, who helped you get to the one and only Billie Dean Howard. Getting to work with her was like a dream come true for someone like you. Of course at first it was mainly because of your PhD and your inner curiosity, but it changed when you met her.

Billie Dean was a very demanding and rather strict boss. It was hard to manage her chaotic, a bit hectic schedule and life or keep up with all the paranormal things and thereby satisfy her. The pressure was enormous at times. That's why most of her previous assistants lost the job after a month or two at best. But there you were - working for Billie for almost 6 months and doing just fine. Her film crew was even joking that you broke the record and set the bar high. 

But you just really liked Billie. She was not only incredibly charming, but also sensitive and empathetic. The first time you saw her you were immediately smitten. Though you knew very well that your relationship would remain strictly professional. But you were still happy that you had a chance to be around her at least.

 You absolutely loved your job. It gave you opportunities to develop different skills and get a lot of experience. It was tiring, of course, but you aspired to be the best assistant Billie Dean had ever had. And you were. Everything was perfect, until one day Billie told you to book plane tickets, because you were leaving for filming new episodes of her show. 

You really like traveling, especially with Billie. You just hated being on the plane. You were so terrified of flying that the thought of it itself was enough for you to get anxious. There was no way for you not to go since you were Billie’s right hand and the only person, who was able to organize everything the way she wanted. 

“Miss Howard, this one time I could work remotely” you said as you were on your way to some interview 

“Y/N, you know it’s impossible. I need you there with me” 

“I can manage everything being here” you kept trying to convince her

Billie stopped and looked at you.

“I don’t get it, why going there is such a problem?”

“I…” you hesitated, you weren’t really sure how to tell her that you weren’t afraid of ghost, but flying caused you panic attacks “I just don’t like flying” you confessed 

Billie frowned. For her going there wasn’t just about work. She hoped that spending some more time with you would help her understand her feelings or rather figure out your feelings. Billie couldn’t deny she had a soft spot for you. You were always there for her, often staying overtime just because she was exhausted after a long day at work. She found your shyness incredibly adorable and kind of admired how calm you were - even at haunted places where you had to go with her. Billie Dean had always been pretty talkative and most people found it annoying after some time, but not you. You were always intently listening to her, willingly giving her all your attention. And she just loved it. She liked how everything seemed to be so simple when you were there helping her. At first she tried to be professional. She tried to convince herself she didn’t like you that much. Though it changed completely after you visited the Cortez. You were the one who took care of her and helped her calm down after the incident at the hotel. And just then, as you held her in your arms, she realized she wanted more.

Ever since then she was attempting to flirt with you. She was doing her best to show you that she, in fact, was interested in being someone more than just your boss. Yet you seemed to be oblivious to all her efforts. It was quite frustrating, but she wasn’t the type who give up easily.

“It’s only about 4 hours on the plane… It’s not that much. I really need you there” she gave you her best smile, but you were too stressed to pay attention “Y/N, I believe in you. You’ll be fine. And if it makes you feel any better I can sit right next to you in case you need someone to help you calm down”

You looked at her biting your lip. You still weren’t really convinced, but as you looked into her brown eyes you couldn’t say no, so you nodded.

“Great!” she exclaimed “Don’t worry about anything. I’ll take care of you, just like you take care of me” she beamed 

You tried to smile, but you failed as the anxiety was slowly taking over your mind and body.

For the next few days Billie made sure to keep your mind occupied, so that you wouldn’t worry about the trip too much. She practically made you go with her everywhere. She took you to an expensive restaurant, where you had dinner and even convinced you to go shopping with her - hoping it would help you relax at least a little bit. It did work, as your mind began thinking about the way she acted around you instead of the flight. Yet as the day of your departure arrived you were a nervous wreck again.

You kept working of course - checking if everything and everyone were ready. You knew there was no turning back and you wanted to do it for Billie, but you still couldn’t help all those negative feelings.

As Billie saw you at the airport she began feeling guilty for making you go. You were so pale and seemed as you could faint at any time. How she wished she could save you from all that stress.

“It’s going to be okay” she whispered to you as you were looking at the plane “Don’t worry” Billie kept talking as you were getting on board  “I’ll be right next to you all the time” she added as you took your seats 

You nodded inhaling sharply. You could already feel drops of sweat forming on your forehead, as you buckled up. You looked outside the window and stared at the wing for a few minutes. You paid no attention to anyone or anything. You tried to focus on one thing hoping it would help you stay calm.

Billie observed you carefully. All she wanted was to know if you felt something for her. Making you stressed out so much definitely wasn’t her intention. She frowned as she saw your hands clenching both armrests of your seat.

“Oh, honey, you can hold my hand” she said already taking your hand into hers 

You turned your head at the sudden touch of her soft hand. You faced her and as your eyes met Billie felt how her heart hurt at the sight of the tears in your eyes.

“Y/N, it’s okay. Everything is okay” she kept repeating 

You could feel how your chest was becoming heavier and heavier as the plan started taking off. You closed your eyes, squeezing Billie’s hand. Your heart was pounding and your breath became shallow. You tried to breathe deeply, but you felt like you couldn’t get enough air and so you started panicking. 

“I can’t. I can’t… Billie I can’t” you kept repeating shaking your head

“What? What you can’t? It’s okay, Y/N”

“It’s not… I can’t… I want out... ” your voice was cracking as the tears started flowing down your cheeks 

Billie looked at you concerned. She didn’t expect it to be that bad. Actually, at first she thought you were exaggerating and being dramatic, but after a few minutes she realized that it really was causing you a lot of pain. 

“Shhh” she pulled you closer “You’re okay, honey. We’re okay. It’s okay, I’m here” she embraced you in a tight hug “You’re doing great. You’ll be alright” she kissed your forehead 

“No. No. No. Please, please, please… I can’t be here. I want out… Billie, please” you cried 

“Is there any problem?” asked a flight attendant, who just approached you

“No. There’s no problem. She just doesn’t like airplanes” Billie explained 

“Oh Lord… I hate it. Why did I agree to go with you?” you kept talking “Ughhh. I fucking hate it. Why did you make me go?!”

“Y/N, you need to calm down, because they may basically kick you off the plane”

“Good! I want to leave” you said, still not looking at her “I’m so stupid…” 

“Y/N, for God’s sake! I need you to calm down”

“I-I can’t”

“Just breath, sweetheart. Come here” she pulled you even closer than before, so that your head was partially resting on her chest “Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that”

You inhaled sharply and tried to do what she said. You kept your eyes closed and did your best to focus on her heartbeat.

“You’re okay, I’m okay, we’re okay” she said calmly, brushing your hair 

“I t-think it works…” you whispered 

“Thanks God” she breathed a sigh of relief “Will you open your eyes?” she asked after a while

You shook your head - no.

“Why?” she wiped the tears from your cheek with her palm

“I don’t know...  I don’t want to see…”

“You don’t want to see people, the plane or me?”

“All of these”

“Oh” Billie bit her lip looking at you 

You were sitting straight, you were a bit calmer, but still tensed.

“Can I do something to help you relax?”

“I don’t think so” you said clenching your hands in fists 

“Can I try at least?”

“I really appreciate the effort, but I doubt anythi-” you didn’t manage to finish, because her lips collided with yours 

The kiss was gentle and short, too short. You wanted more, but Billie pulled away. You opened your eyes only to see her smiling at the sight of the bliss on your face.

“I… umm... “

“What, does that feel good?” 

You nodded making her chuckle.

“And did it do the trick?” she smirked 

“Well, you could do it again just to make sure”

Billie laughed leaning in to capture your lips one more time. The second kiss was more passionate, though you still couldn’t get enough of her. You had dreamed of it for so long. You would most likely straddle her lap and keep making out if it hadn’t been for the other passenger.

“Geez, could you take it somewhere else?” he complained 

At these words, your usual shyness was back. You blushed profusely and sat straight not looking at Billie or anyone.

“You’re so cute when you get shy” she said putting a strand of your hair behind your ear

You looked at Billie and bit your lip. You weren’t sure what was going on between the two of you.

“I’m sorry I made you get on the plane. I didn’t realize it’s that bad” she said

“It’s fine” 

“It’s not. I just wanted to spend some more time with you and figure out if there’s any chance that you like me as much as I like you”

“Wait. You’re saying that you like me?”

“Yes” she admitted 

“You know you didn’t have to try this hard? You could just tell me… without making me get on this goddamn plane” 

“Well, this definitely isn’t anything like how I imagined it... ”

“So… what is it between us?” you asked hesitantly 

Billie Dean smiled caressing your cheek before kissing you once again. You smiled against her lips. All that you wanted to know was in her kiss. And that for sure was the best answer you had ever got. 

Tag list:

@midnight-lestrange​

@natasha-danvers​

[notgonnarememberthis]

find your way (back to me) - chapter thirteen

Closing in on the end now!! I’m excited but nervous for this to end bc I honestly don’t know what I’ll do with my time next. Most of my free time has been dedicated to this fic so I’m going to be looking for new ideas here soon. Hope y’all enjoy and buckle up cause this chapter is a long one!

Watching Ainsley back on the newscast is a welcome normal to Jessica’s monotonous day. With Malcolm and Gil throwing themselves into investigating officers, she was put essentially on complete lockdown in Gil’s apartment. With Dani and JT cycling as her watchers, they feel more comfortable leaving. It’s irritating but the way Malcolm relaxes, knowing she’s safe. She does it for him.

“The search for the Needle’s Eye continues,” Ainsley rattles off, eyes disconnected from the words. It’s a tactic Jessica admired and feared when she was able to talk about such horrific things when not letting them in at all. Once on camera her face would clear, a determined one carrying over. “The officers in charge of the case are investigating a possible lead into Beverly Construction, where a body has been discovered. Police believe the man, identified to be Jason Carter, is one of the killers.” Ainsley stops, suddenly getting a far off look. Jessica knows she’s listening to someone in her ear. From the emotions that flash over her face in that split second she already knows what comes next. First is the bitter anger, then curiosity that blossoms into interest, all before she schools her face again. “Hold on a second, we have Dr. Martin Whitly, otherwise known as the surgeon dialing in. Dr. Whitly has provided insight into multiple investigations so it will be interesting to see what he makes of this new killer on the scene.”

Jessica braces herself for the impact that his voice will bring. It doesn’t help. Not for what happens next.

“He’s coming.” The voice on the other end of the call sends ice down her spine. It’s gruff, far from the animated speech of Martin. Ainsley’s face pales on the screen. She knows just as well as Jessica who is on the other side of this call.

“Who is this?” She tries to ask in her best investigative tone but the tremor shakes. It’s the first time she’s even seen her phased. Jessica must have made some kind of noise, deep from the back of her throat because the door opens behind her.

“Mrs. Whitly?” Dani stops in the doorway, eyes falling on the television.

“You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good?”

“Is that?” A few more steps and Dani is beside the couch, her phone in her hand frantically texting.

“Who is this?” Ainsley asks again, firmer.

“Do you know where your son is?” Just like that the floor goes out from under her feet. The call ends abruptly with Ainsley staring at the camera in horror and fury. The blonde curls bounce when she snaps her head around to someone off screen and the channel cuts to commercials.

“Mrs. Whitly.” Dani whispers, like she’s ready approaching an active bomb. Jessica’s heart thuds too quickly in her chest and they both jump when her phone begins ringing.

Claremont Psychiatric, the screen reads. Before Dani can make a move for it Jessica answers. She swallows, ready to do anything the person on the other line tells her. Anything to protect her son. He doesn’t deserve to face what she had. He’d been through more than enough.

“Jessie.” Martin’s voice calls out from the line, tense and thin. He begins rattling but she can’t hear him over the static filling her mind. All the words he spits out at rapid speed don’t even reach her as she stares blankly at the TV. Only one thought comes to her, so lost among the white noise.

He sounds terrified.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dani clutches the wheel tight in her grip, eyes casting to Mrs. Whitly. The silence in the car is a far too familiar one. Picking up the Whitlys when something terrible happens to Malcolm seems like it’s a part of her job description. Normally it’s Ainsley who fills the quiet with the unending questions one would expect from a journalist.

This is heavy, oppressive. She can see Mrs. Whitly pulling the bag closer to her with every turn of the car.

She doesn’t blame the anxiety. They’re on their way to Claremont. The Surgeon made her own skin crawl the first time she met him. But Claremont employees were the last ones to see Malcolm, according to the calls. She needs to talk to Dr. Whitly, he could have seen something. If Malcolm was nervous before, had he known he was being followed, anything. She almost feels sorry for her watching dread turn her face pale.

But something doesn’t feel right.

Her suspicions are confirmed the second her ringtone blares again. To Mrs. Whitly’s credit, she doesn’t immediately reach for her phone to answer it again. Rather, she looks to Dani after she reads the number holding it to her.

It’s marked as unknown, but in their area. It could just be a spam caller, but something tells Dani the Whitly’s don’t really have that problem. When you have enough money you can make the small nuisances of life disappear.

“Put it on speaker.” She tells Jessica, only diverting her eyes from the road for a second to make sure she understands. “We’re tracking the calls on both your phone and Ainsley’s. Keep him talking. If we can get a location pinned on him, we’ll be able to find Malcolm.” She nods, swallowing. 

The line crackles to life with a monotonous threat. “8640 Westshire Avenue. Come alone.” The call ends and Dani can see Mrs. Whitly’s hands shaking. Her mind flashes to Malcolm and she switches lanes. Abandoning the path to Claremont she speeds up towards the address. Westshire Avenue is a line of mostly abandoned warehouses, they’ve gotten calls there more than a few times. It doesn’t make her feel good about Malcolm’s chances. It’s remote. Quiet.

And the way Mrs. Whitly holds herself sitting a little too straight, she knows exactly where they’re going too. Her eyes fall to her lap, her hands white knuckled on the bag again. She recognizes the grip, having seen it too many times in suspects weighing their chances.

“What’s in the purse?” Dani asks slowly. She dreads the question but the way that she guards it, being extra careful that it doesn’t tip or shuffle. She knows. Out the corner of her eye she watches her flinch. She feigns innocence, not well. “How’d you get it?” She thinks for a moment, and the realization settles. “Malcolm.” It makes sense. They know she has a registered firearm. Malcolm would have grabbed it the night he and Edrisa went to pack her things. Extra protection. He wouldn’t take the chance if something went wrong with her or JT. That’s why he was more willing to leave back to the precinct without taking her with them. Knowing that she can protect herself would put him at ease.

He should have told them.

She pulls the car over turning to her. “What are you doing?”

“Give me the gun.” Dani holds a hand out but Jessica’s cover her purse. She tilts her head with a sigh. “Please. It doesn’t have to be like this.”

“Doesn’t it.” She straightens, a furious look shining in the dim light. “He took my son. Malcolm had nothing to do with this.”

“Neither did you.”

“But it had all to do with Martin.” She shakes her head not meeting her gaze. Dani knows she’s blinking away the tears. “I should have gotten it over with when I had the chance.” Dani’s head tilts, eyes widening for a split second. It was a small confession but one that set off so many alarms in her head. She almost asks what she means by that when she remembers.

The surgeon had been stabbed, supposedly by the woman across from her to protect an innocent’s life.

Looking at her now, Dani knows that isn’t what happened.

“I could turn this car around. Take you back to the station.” She threatens.

“You won’t.” The woman’s voice wavers with uncertainty. “Malcolm, he’s your friend. You won’t take that risk.” Dani runs her tongue along the back of her teeth, setting her jaw with determination. They are running out of time. “If Gil hadn’t seen the news, if he didn’t know. You’re telling me you wouldn’t run in as soon as you got there to save my son?”

She can’t answer that. Not truthfully, at least. She has, a dozen times, run after Malcolm. Running the numbers in her head. Calculating every single risk to grab his ass after he’s rushed in. She’s seen his anger, his panic, the desperation unfurling at every scene.

A needle full of poison, his hands pressed on a landmine, an axe raised high above his head with a wild look. Ready to do whatever it took.

Staring at the woman across from her it pains Dani to know she ever thought he got that from his dad. Not when Jessica’s eyes shine with the same bitterness towards the world who has kicked them a few times too many. Her voice draws, a deep rumble in her chest. “I’ve been married to a serial killer, dated another who stabbed maybe the only person who gave a damn about my children, I’ve pushed my daughter into a window to stop her from being hit by an axe. I’ve done everything in my power to protect them.”

“Will this protect him?” She sucks in a breath. “His dad is already a killer, Ainsley’s self defense plea almost ripped him apart and this? He will blame himself.”

“He can’t.”

“But he will. He will think about every single thing he could’ve done differently. To stop you from losing a part of yourself. Gil too.” 

“He has Ainsley, Gil, Edrisa, his team. He will be fine.”

“But he needs you.” Dani’s throat constricts emotion threatening to betray her. “He needs his mom.” That must get to her because her face begins to twitch. Her anger falls away to what truly lies beneath the surface, fear and grief. She lets go of the bag and Dani reaches inside securing the firearm.

The silence lapses again as they start back down the road. It’s different, less foreboding and more solemn. It takes a few minutes before Jessica speaks. “How do you get past this?” She casts a quick look over but she’s staring out the window, eyes not seeing the scenery flying past them. “You’ve seen dozens of horrors. The gruesome things we do to each other. How do you do it?”

Her hands grip the wheel tighter. “You don’t. Every case takes something. Some take more than others but they all do. I’ve tried shutting it down, leaving everything at work. But it doesn’t help.”

“No kidding.” She laughs bitterly.

“You have people. They push you past it.” Jessica looks to her, eyebrows furrowed. “Going at it alone, it’s too much. When you have people that care for you,” She sighs. “Well, it’s easier to do it when you’re doing it for someone else.”

“I did.” Her voice is thick, Dani looks away pretending not to see the tear that slides down her cheek. “I got out for them.”

A few more beats pass. She taps an even rhythm as she realizes they’re creeping closer to their destination. She should text Gil. “Find something that grounds you.”

“What does that even mean?” She swipes at her face looking away again. She needs to calm her down before she makes the connection herself.

“You pick something that keeps you here. And when everything feels like too much you think of that.”

“Like what?”

“A person, a memory-”

“A dream?”

“Yeah, I guess that could work.” Her eyes focus on the street signs, watching carefully for her next turn. “You find what you’re looking for, it stops. It keeps you from falling into your emotions. It’s a lot harder to be angry when you’re thinking about it.”

“And this is a memory for you? Isn’t it a little counterintuitive to move forwards when looking back?”

“Aren’t we all looking back?”

“No.” Dani’s eyes jump to her, clearly having struck a nerve. She curses herself in realization. Her happiness was also her greatest downfall. The person she loved was her ruin. No wonder she doesn’t want to look back on that. “You said a dream, you mind if I ask?”

“The first night when I was taken. I dreamt of Christmas, this year. Having my family all together. No cases, no Martin lingering in our minds. Gil put on music and we danced.” She sighs, shaking her head. “Truth be told, I don’t remember the last time I danced. It felt…”

“Like healing.”

Her eyes shine with tears, her voice barely a whisper. “I suppose so.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The turn into the warehouse brings the foreboding feeling back tenfold. Jessica’s anxiety settles in her stomach because they have no idea what they will find inside. Honestly, they don’t even truly know if he’s the only one left. There could be another partner. Malcolm could be hurt, he might need an ambulance.

Dani’s face firms when she looks at her phone. She knows what that look means in a second.

She can’t call for backup. They’re alone on this.

She parks the car gathering all she needs. “Stay here.” It’s more of a command than anything as she steps out. “I’m going to look for a payphone. He had to have used one to call you.” She disappears in the other direction, only her shadow from the overhead lights showing where she went from Jessica’s limited view.

Her eyes fall back on the door. The metal looms before her and she knows in her gut that this isn’t a trick. Her son is inside, alone and scared. God, he could be hurt and bleeding for all she knows. She wishes for only a moment that she didn’t give the gun over, that she could just end this without feeling the slightest bit of remorse.

She could still end this.

Her head whips back to where Dani went. It wouldn’t take long for her to find something to call Gil. She had to move quickly and quietly. She climbs from the car, the detective’s voice still ringing in her mind. He needs you. She’s absolutely certain this isn’t what she meant but she’s right regardless.

The metal door slides noisily and she knows she’s lost. The second she steps in she could be killed. But she pictures her little boy, slumped from being stabbed with his hand held close to his chest having smashed it to save her and his sister. The smell of blood and dirt from the memory washes over her harshly.

She pushes herself inside.

[vancilocs]

Lyssa and izkiel and damir and karol?

haaaaaa

1. Who offers their jacket when the other is cold?

Honestly Lyssa because she handles cold much better. She has comfy jackets and Izkiel looks like the Michelin man in them

Damir hands his jacket over or engulfs Karol in it at the first whine

2. Who giggles uncontrollably when the other playfully picks them up?

If Izkiel is beefy enough to pick her up she will be kinda shocked but laugh

Damir will throw Karol on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes

3. Who compliments the other in front of everyone?

When out with her friends Lyssa will talk nice about her mans, if he shows up she's like oh I've told them so much about you!

Karol more, compliments him to their friends with a clear undertone of back off he's mine

4. Who is more likely to tell the other a pun and what is the other’s reaction to the pun?

I think both but Izkiel more. Both find it funny

Neither a lot but Damir more. Usually eye-related. Karol rolls theirs but laughs

5. When one of them has a bad day, what does the other do to help cheer them up?

Just company is fine for Lyssa when her illness is kicking her butt, maybe wash her dishes or fold her laundry if she's too tired to do it and her parent's not around, get her a snack and a kiss. She does the same and makes something good to drink or eat.

Karol needs a cuddle, a drink, a cat and some stupid reality show. Having a bartender bf means he can make you a proper mix. Damir doesn't have much bad days but he likes a hug and a cat as much as any other, maybe a drink. Both are also like hey I can blow you if it makes you feel better

6. If they got to pick what one another wears for a day, what would one another wear?

Izkiel would end up in more colourful and comfy clothes, wear a nice sweater my dude. A scarf when you go outside

Karol enjoys Damir in the jeans and leather jackets, maybe wear some heavier boots and a sluttier shirt with harnesses. Karol would end up in harnesses and thigh-highs and short skirts which they would very much enjoy

7. Who introduces their partner to their family first? How does it go?

Lyssa's parent knew of Izkiel beforehand, a bit concerned that they started dating but she's happy so it's probably fine. She's a very smart adult after all. They're friendly and welcoming at Izkiel, he's invited to come have dinner with her.

Karol has no family to introduce, but they've spoken abt their complicated relationship with their mom and how they're still sad about it. Damir's moms were quite welcoming of Karol, kinda weirded out by them being so dainty and not pierced or tattooed, but they're polite and whatnot so no problem. Just uh. Say you met at a bar. Leave out the details.

8. In a coffee shop AU, who would be the coffee shop employee and who would be the customer?

Lyssa would probably be the employee, polite and nice. Izkiel orders nothing but a black coffee and gives a hard time to customers giving her shit

Damir is already a bartender so a barista isn't a huge leap and Karol would come in with the Most Complicated orders but tip very generously so he's not even mad

9. When they sit side by side, do they touch one another? For example, does one person has their arm around the other, do they sit holding hands, or linked arms, ECT.

Lyssa would grab his hand if it's within reach, if not she'll take his arm. Or snuggle under his arm if he allows

Karol is the type to sit on laps or at least sling a leg over yours, crawls under arm, leans on shoulder, sits on lap and buries face in neck, absolute fiend. Damir is used to it and doesn't stop a conversation to wrangle his partner

10. What is a small thing that one another does to make their partner happy?

Lyssa appreciates Izkiel taking her little houseplant gifts (and other things she does to improve his living space) so seriously. One day you'll be able to keep something else than a cactus alive

Damir plays the guitar to the cat(s) sometimes, it's cute. Plays it to Karol too. They absentmindedly play with his hair and braid it often and he enjoys it a lot.

11. What would they do to celebrate their one year anniversary?

Go out to eat maybe, get a lil gift like a bracelet or something, or a necklace.

Go for dinner, share a bottle of expensive something, go crazy aaa go stupid

12. When did they know that loved each other, and when did they first tell each other that they loved one another?

Izkiel probably managed to make Lyssa laugh even when she was feeling her shittiest in a hospital, just laugh it out right away say you love him

Karol has deep-set anxieties so being calmed down from a nightmare or a panic attack would make them be like holy shit. I love you. But not say it until some time later bc right them was too vulnerable.

13. Who likes to give the other hugs from behind followed by a kiss?

Both tbh

Both but both prefer Damir doing it

14. Who would make a playlist for the other person? What would be featured on the playlist?

Mayyybe Izkiel I'm not sure

Both are musicians, Karol professionally, both make all kinds of playlists

15. Who would bring their partner on a romantic date under the stars?

Lyssa probably, dunno if Izkiel has the same kind of touch for romance

You can't drag Karol out at nighttime and expect them to be relaxed. Balcony or nothing. Wrapped under a blanket with a warm drink

[writing-for-amusement]

Commission for Confidence, 7

Summary: Y/N has been struggling with her self-esteem for years. After incessant pushing from your best friend, Y/N decides to commission an artist to draw her, expecting everything to happen via Internet. However, when your phone is stolen, you try to cancel the commission, but Peter Parker has other ideas. He quickly becomes enraptured by you, and a friendship forms easily. Will it lead to something more? Or will your past fears get in the way?

A/N: Okay, so, here is the next chapter of CfC! It’s a really long one because I have no self control and couldn’t find a good place to cut off (honestly, I’m not SUPER happy with where it IS cut off), but I hope you all still like it! Make sure you read my warnings, though, because some violence does occur.

PLEASE let me know what you think!! I’m desperate for validation; you can always message me, or send me an anon, or put it in the tags of a reblog, or whatever!! I do read every response to my writing, so I’d love it if you could give me some feedback or just some sort of response!!

As always, if you want to be tagged, just let me know!!

Taglist: @pparkerwrites, @scatterbrainedgenius, @jordyns-library, @wildfirecracker, @pastlives-purplesouls, @maybemona, @hotchocolattee

Word Count: 4765

Warnings: robbery attempt, violence, depictions of violence, some blood, hospitals, Peter being cute and silly and worried, some awkwardness, some self-doubt at the end, disassociative episode, some anxiety, some lame nerdstuff at the beginning bc I’m the author and write what I want, swearing

A few days later, on Thursday, you looked up to see your Edith at your door, a package in her hands. With an excited shout, you got up and hurried over to her. Your supervisor chuckled at your actions, pretending to hide the package behind her back.

“Edith,” you pouted as she kept the box with a teasing grin.

“Fine, fine,” she acquiesced, handing you the box. “Now you can start actually texting that boy instead of emailing like you’re old. Don’t email like me, don’t be old.” Edith widened her eyes as if picturing deep, dark horrors, and you laughed at her.

“Email is still perfectly acceptable, Edith,” you chuckled, trying to push the topic of Peter right out the window.

It didn’t work.

“It’s not acceptable when you have a crush on a handsome man!”

“Edith!” you chided, fumbling with your box to try and maintain composure.

That also didn’t work.

“I’ll leave you to your phone,” Edith cackled, winking at you before leaving.

You muttered to yourself and sat down at your desk. It didn’t take long to get your new phone up and running. As it sat on your desk, you sent out an email to your coworkers to inform them that your phone was back in business again, with the same phone number as before. It was nice to be easily connected to Monica again, and it was nice to be able to play your mindless little games when you needed a break from reading.

And, well, it would be nice to be able to talk to Peter without needing an Internet connection. The two of you had been emailing back and forth rather consistently since Saturday, and you had plans to meet up for a movie/game night at Peter’s place on Friday. Ned had finally returned from his business trip, and Peter really wanted you to meet him and his Aunt May, who would be at the movie/game night as well.

You’d been hesitant to accept the invitation. Even though you really liked Peter (probably too much considering how long you’d known him), you were always nervous about meeting new people. But, after encouragement from Monica, and reassurance from Peter, you agreed to go.

You emailed Peter, telling him your phone number, and tried to get back to work. You tried, you really did, but your brain was jumping around like a happy rabbit.

You sighed and sat back, pinching the bridge of your nose. Your lack of focus could also be attributed to the ache in your eyes from reading too much. This job was amazing, one of your dream jobs, but sometimes it was hard to deal with because it did leave you with aches and pains, both in your eyes and your lower back. Then again, you’d always had a bad back.

Your phone dinged and you opened your eyes. You had a text message from an unknown number. Upon opening the message, you saw it was a message from Peter.

Peter: Heyyo, Y/N! It’s a-me, Peter!!!

You chuckled and wrote back: Hello, Peter, it’s a-me, Y/N, the Wario of the world.

Peter sent back several shocked and angry emojis, making you chuckle again. Then, this message arrived: How dare you. You are my Mario AND my Princess Peach. Never slander yourself in my presence again.

You laughed loudly, tilting your head back. You couldn’t help the heat that came to your cheeks and you typed out your response: Or what, I’m going to be turned into Bowser?

No, you’ll get a strongly worded letter and a disappointed look

You rolled your eyes and tried to control the beating of your heart.

I cannot believe you think you’re Wario, Peter then wrote. You are the shining light, the Princess Peach in “Paper Mario and Thousand-Year-Old Door”, taking charge and doing her best to save herself while stuck on the moon.

A snort escape your body and you shook your head. You’re ridiculously silly.

But you’re the one that decided to like me and be friends with me, so who’s the REALLY silly one here????

It took you a minute to think of a reply. In the end, this is what you sent: … fair point.

Peter simply replied with a bunch of emojis, rather nonsensically, but it made you chuckle. After sending back a few emojis of your own, you told him that you needed to get back to work and be productive for once.

Fine, leave me, Peter wrote. I’ll wither away, but go be ‘productive’, I guess. ‘Responsibility’ is important, I GUESS

You almost cackled with laughter at his dramatics and told him to hang tight, because you’d be back soon to revive him.

Mouth to mouth better be in order, I think I’m dying…

You rolled your eyes and put your phone on silent so you could get some work done.

Of course, you ended up being restless again, because you were thinking about his demand of mouth to mouth. Was Peter just teasing, or was he flirting? Was this what being friends with Peter Parker was like for everyone? You had no idea, and those thoughts were crowding your mind after a few simple minutes.

Then, your savior arrived in the form of Arthur, your beloved coworker. He knocked on the frame of your door as he leaned against it, making your head jolt up in surprise.

“Hello, dear,” he greeted you softly in his London lilt. “You doing alright there?”

You smiled at him, probably a little raggedly, and shrugged a shoulder. “Not really,” you admitted. “Can’t focus, my brain is being too loud.”

“Then it is a perfect time to come on a coffee break!” he announced, striding in and trying to pull you from your chair. Since your chair had wheels, it simply went along with you, making you laugh.

“Arthur, let me get up! You know that the chair will barely fit in the break room, the door frame is only barely big enough,” you giggled. “We all remember what happened the last time you tried this stunt.”

The man pretended to look insulted and dropped your hands. “For your information, we’re going to a café for the coffee break. Get up, let’s go.”

You chuckled and stood, gathering your purse and phone; you made sure to pack it in the bottom of your purse, just in case.

As you followed Arthur out of the office and to the elevator, you said, “Are we going to bother poor Charlie at work?”

Arthur turned around with wide, dramatic hazel eyes. “What? No, no, why would we do that? No, we’re just going to get coffee. I don’t even know if Charlie is working today.”

You giggled into your hand as you entered the elevator. “Arthur, it’s his café. He works every day except for weekends.” Of course, you knew he knew this.

“I would never interrupt Charlie at work, how could you possibly assume that of me, I am hurt. I’m truly hurt. How could you. I am always professional.”

You laughed at the deep voiced man acting like a dramatic Shakespeare actor. The two of you made small talk as you walked the two blocks to the café, Bean Me Up. It truly had amazing coffee, and if it had been a bit closer to the subway station, it was where you would have suggested to meet Peter because of its inherent nerdiness. It was quite popular.

Arthur opened the door for you, the scent of coffee washing over your body and relaxing your shoulders. It was a small place, one you had always enjoyed visiting, and it wasn’t too bright or too dark. At the moment, there were a few people lounging around.

“Oh Charlie!” Arthur sang out in his deep voice, nearly skipping to the counter. You were confident that if he actually had been skipping, his suit would have ripped.

Charlie, a stocky man with his dreadlocks in a ponytail today, looked up as he heard Arthur. He rolled his eyes but there was a small smile on his face.

“Wow, Arthur, what a surprise,” Charlie drawled, smirking. “Second time today, do you have a crush on me or something?”

“I would never, you’re simply not my type,” Arthur teased.

“What is your type, then, gorgeous?”

Arthur pretended to think about it, and you smiled. Their interactions were always amusing to watch, to say the least.

“I like Jamaican-Filipino men that own their own business and make the best coffee in the entire damn city, with dreadlocks and glasses and a scar on the left eyebrow,” Arthur finally stated, nodding to himself.

“Oh my gosh, just greet your husband already!” you exclaimed teasingly, gently pushing the man’s shoulder. “I want a coffee.”

“Y/N!” Charlie exclaimed, rushing around the counter and completely bypassing his husband to wrap you in a hug. “I didn’t even see you; this big lug was in the way. How are you, darling, is this one still being annoying in the break room?”

“Oh, you know,” you joked, “just always making my life difficult.”

“Hey!” Arthur protested, though you both ignored him.

“Aw, sorry, he can be like that. The other day, he—”

“We’re not telling that story!!” Arthur interrupted abruptly, turning his husband away from you forcibly. You laughed loudly and Charlie winked at you.

You and Arthur ordered your drinks, and since Charlie wouldn’t let you pay, you shoved a twenty-dollar bill in his tip jar. As you and Arthur sat by the window, enjoying your coffee slowly (Thursdays were always slow days at the office, and Edith knew the power a break could have), you looked out to see four people in masks approaching the shop.

“Charlie!” you barely had time to shout as the men burst into the café. They waved large guns around and started yelling.

“Everyone, get down!” one yelled above the others. The other people had already scrambled to the floor, their hands over their heads. It was deadly quiet in the shop once everyone was on the floor; you and Arthur, however, were behind the men, sitting at your table in shock, and for some reason, you were ignored.

You shot Arthur a look and he nodded subtly, slowly reaching for his phone and texting Edith to call 911. She immediately responded with a thumbs up, but Arthur’s phone was on sound, making the robbers turn around.

“Hey!” one yelled, striding forward and shoving Arthur down to the floor. “You think you’re hot shit, you fucking piece of shit? Pulling shit, calling people?”

“I-I didn’t do anything!” Arthur protested.

“Get on the ground!” a second guy walked up to the table, talking to you.

You didn’t move.

“I said,” he growled, grabbing you by the hair, “get on the ground!”

“Leave her alone!” Charlie shouted from the counter, where he was slowly complying with the leader’s demands.

“Oh, why should I?” the guy still holding you by the hair asked. The gun was pressed to your head and the man growled, “Hurry the fuck up.”

“Look, we don’t wanna shoot anyone,” the leader was saying, “just give us all the money in the entire store, okay? Go to the safe and get that, too. Or we’ll start with her.”

Tears were pooling in your eyes from the force of your hair being gripped so tightly, but you could hear sirens in the distance. As you were trying to relieve the pain from your roots by pulling your knees under your body, you remembered a video you’d once watched. It was a risky idea, but perhaps you’d be able to turn the situation around.

You quickly rammed your elbow into the back of the man’s knee; he crumbled, releasing your hair. You grabbed his gun and threw it at the man that was standing by Arthur, knocking him to the ground. It was that moment that Spider-Man burst through the window, sending glass flying everywhere.

The superhero was webbing up the two guys that were standing as the one you’d hit in the knee turned to you with fire in his eyes. You raised your arms and curled your body into yourself to protect your organs as he kicked you in the side and back.

The café was full of sound again as people were yelling and you felt the vibrations of people running outside, but you were still being kicked at. You remained in that position even when the kicking stopped, but the sounds were still in your ears, and you didn’t want to risk anything. You stayed like that until the vibrations from the floor calmed down.

“Shit, Y/N, are you okay?” a weird voice asked, and strange feeling hands were gently touching your shoulders.

You opened your eyes and saw Spider-Man, looking at you with wide white eyes. He seemed more panicked than you would have thought, especially since no one had been shot and the police had already arrived to take away the webbed criminals.

“I-I’m okay,” you muttered as you sat up.

“Y/N, you’re bleeding. There’s glass in your face and your hand.”

You looked at your hand and were shocked to see that Spider-Man was right. There were little pieces of glass in the back of your hand and down the outside of your forearm. It was from when you’d dropped to the floor in a ball to protect yourself.

“Well, would you look at that,” you blinked.

A paramedic approached you at that moment, making Spider-Man back up. “You’ll take care of her, right?” the hero asked the professional.

“Of course, Spider-Man. Leave it to me, thank you for stepping in. It would have been a lot worse if you hadn’t showed up,” the paramedic said.

“Thank you, Spider-Man,” you said quietly as she helped you up.

“Y-you’re welcome, Y/N,” he stuttered, backing up towards the broken window. “Stay safe out there.”

You barely heard him as you walked slowly with the paramedic, Siska, outside the café. Arthur and Charlie were holding each other as they were looked over by another paramedic, and thankfully they both looked okay. Arthur had a few small cuts from broken glass, but he didn’t look too worse for wear. Charlie looked stressed and scared.

Siska made small talk with you as she looked over your injuries; she was worried about the glass in your hand and face and the bruising forming around your midsection. So, Siska accompanied you to the hospital, keeping you distracted from the creeping pain by telling you about various Indonesian foods that she missed from visiting family.

Arthur called you as you were waiting for a doctor to come into the room, and you answered right away, still rather numb and in shock.

“Are you okay?” he immediately demanded.

“Y-yeah, I’m okay. A doctor is gonna look over my injuries and stuff, remove the glass and shit, make sure I don’t have any broken anything.”

“That’s a relief,” he breathed out. Then, “What the FUCK were you thinking?”

“W-what?” you stuttered, nearly dropping your phone from your good hand.

“There were four men, Y/N! FOUR of them! And you thought it would be a bloody good idea to try and debilitate one, as if that would’ve made a difference!”

“Arthur,” you began in a deadly steady voice, “if you keep yelling at me, I will hang up this phone right now and not speak to you for two weeks.”

“Stop berating her,” Charlie’s voice said from the background. “Let me talk to her. You’re being unhelpful, and I know that’s not what you want. Go sit, okay, babe?”

Arthur muttered something that you couldn’t quite make out, but the phone was handed over to Charlie.

“Look, Y/N,” the man sighed, “I do admit, the way you went about things was reckless, but it was also pretty smart. Thank you for that. Now, tell me what’s going on.”

You told Charlie everything that you knew at that moment, though you barely registered that you were talking. When the doctor entered, you said goodbye to Charlie and told him to take care of himself.

“Alright, let’s get a look at you,” the doctor said as she entered. “I’m Doctor Miriam Finestein; Siska told me what you did today, and that was pretty brave.”

Your faraway look and mumbled, “Thanks,” did not go past the doctor. Her eyebrows furrowed as she took you in, the way the pieces of glass were sticking out from your skin and slowly bleeding, the way you seemed to have no focus whatsoever.

“Y/N, right?” Doctor Finestein confirmed, walking forward slowly. You nodded, trying to force your focus from the stupid white wall and onto the doctor. “Can I see your arm?” she asked gently.

You held your arm out to her and her warm touch on the palm of your hand seemed to help you wake up. Your vision came back into focus and you blinked as you got a good look at the lovely doctor. She smiled at you as you did, making you feel a little sheepish, but at least now you were alert.

“I thought you might be disassociating,” the doctor told you quietly.

“That happens to me a lot,” you admitted. “But I tried to fight it this time.”

“But I think this was shock induced.”

“You’re probably right.”

Doctor Finestein kept up small talk while she examined your arm and hand; she told you about her cat, Frank, and her dog, Stella. It helped keep you grounded as she turned to your face, making a small clicking sound with her tongue.

“I’m going to take out the glass,” she informed you, rolling back on her chair towards the sink. “It doesn’t look too bad, truth be told. You’ll heal up just fine. Thankfully, there’s only a handful of deep and big pieces. I do want to do a CT scan afterwards on your hand and arm, just to be sure there isn’t any damage that’s not superficial. I’ll also check your ribs for breakage or other such things. Of course, we’ll also patch everything up and send you home with some painkillers.”

“Okay. Uh, how long will it take?” you asked hesitantly.

“Well,” she washed her hands and glanced at you, “it’s not going to be short. Unfortunately, there are a lot of smaller pieces, and there might be a wait for the scan. You could call someone to keep you company, we wouldn’t say no to that. It could take a few hours and it does get a little dull.”

You nibbled your lip in thought; you didn’t want to go through it completely alone, but you also didn’t want to be a bother. As you were thinking and Doctor Finestein was getting everything together, your phone went off. The doctor let you answer it and went out to get a nurse to help her with the glass removal.

You answered without looking, immediately being greeted with, “Y/N, are you okay? I saw something about a café robbery and saw you on the news, is everything okay? Where are you? Thank goodness you picked up!”

You chuckled despite yourself, trying not to move too many muscles in your face. Moving your mouth was fine, but there was a curve of cuts and pieces of glass going from above your eyebrow and down to your cheekbone. Still, as you were now more alert, you were actually registering the glass in your face.

“I’m okay, Peter,” you told him calmly. “I just have some glass in my arm and hand, and some in my face, but I’m okay, really.”

“Oh, thank God,” Peter breathed out. “Where are you? Do you need anything?”

“Actually,” you hesitated, “actually, Peter, if you’re not busy…” You steeled your nerves. It would be fine. “If you’re not busy, could you come and sit in the hospital with me? There’s stuff they gotta do and I,” your throat tightened, and you finally registered how actually terrified you still were, “I don’t wanna be alone.”

“Of course! I’ll be right there; I’m still in Manhattan. Where are you?”

You told Peter the hospital and the room number before hanging up. At that moment, Doctor Finestein knocked and came back in with a smile directed at you.

“We’ll get started in a few minutes. Would you rather check your ribs before or after removing the glass?”

“After, please,” you said with little hesitation. “I really want to get this stuff out of my arm. I’m tired of holding it like this.”

“No problem!” she reassured you. “Is someone coming?”

“Yeah, my friend Peter—”

           You were interrupted by a knock on the door and Doctor Finestein opened it, revealing an out-of-breath Peter Parker.

“And that would be Peter,” you chuckled.

“Jesus, Y/N, I’m so glad you’re okay!” Peter breathed out as he nearly knocked the good doctor over. He was hovering around your injured side, the worry on his face making his eyebrow twitch. Then, as if he realized that he had nearly knocked a doctor over, he spun on his heels.

“Peter, yes?” Doctor Finestein asked rhetorically, a teasing smile on her face.

“Yes,” he puffed out before offering his hand. “I’m Peter Parker.”

“She told me,” the doctor chuckled, “right before you burst into the door.”

“So, when are we getting started?” you asked, trying to diffuse the awkwardness.

“Once my nurse gets here,” Finestein informed you both. Immediately after, there was a knock on the door, and the doctor said, “Wow, Y/N and I just have wonderful timing today, don’t we! Everyone’s appearing at our beck and call.”

“I’ll always come to Y/N’s beck and call,” Peter stated firmly.

Your eyes widened in embarrassment at his strong statement and avoided looking him in the eyes. As you looked at the doctor, she was giving you a knowing look, so you looked at the nurse instead. He also gave you a knowing look, so you resigned yourself to not winning at that moment. Life wasn’t always fair.

You kept repeating that internal mantra as Dr. Finestein and the nurse, Jeremy, worked on removing the glass from your face. It was certainly not a nice feeling.

As you clutched the edge of the table, you felt heat coming closer to your hand. Peter gently touched your hand, forcing it to relax from the table, and your eyes flickered up to him. He smiled gently at you, the softest of pinks gracing his cheekbones, and laced your hands together. His hand was soft but steady, comforting.

“You can squeeze my hand,” Peter said tenderly. “Don’t worry, it’ll be over soon.”

The sweetness of his gaze made your heart melt and you smiled your agreement.

You winced and squeezed his hand as the tweezers removed the glass shards from your face. Doctor Finestein assured you that they were almost done with the face, but you nearly jumped out of your skin as the tweezers dug around in the flesh of your cheek.

“Sorry,” Doctor Finestein tried to calm you. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I should have warned you. Just this piece in your cheek, and we’ll take a break, okay?”

You breathed out an “Okay,” prompting the doctor to go back to finding the glass. Peter rubbed your hand with his thumb, his other hand moving to rub up and down on your back. His touch was incredibly comforting, and it helped you get your breathing back in proper order, instead of the slightly-too-fast breaths you’d been taking.

It was a strange sensation as she pulled the glass out and placed it on the tray, allowing Jeremy to rush in to disinfect the spot. They put a few butterfly closures on your face, and you had to admit that so many hands touching your face was strange.

“Okay, we’ll take a little break,” Dr. Finestein announced as Jeremy finished with the bandages on your face. “I’ll let them know that we need a CT scan so the stuff will be ready by the time we’re ready.”

“Do you two need anything?” Jeremy asked you and Peter. “Water, maybe?”

“I’d love some, please,” you nodded vigorously. Peter nodded as well.

“Alright, I’ll be back in like two minutes,” Jeremy stated, giving you both a thumbs up and leaving the room.

Peter let go of your hand and stopped rubbing your back, clearing his throat and stepping back a bit. The pink that had been on his cheek had become red in a short amount of time, and he seemed nervous.

“I-I’m sorry this all happened,” he said quietly.

You looked at him and tilted your head in confusion. “Why?” you asked. “It wasn’t your fault those guys tried to rob Charlie’s business.”

Peter chuckled anxiously and rubbed the back of his neck. “S-still,” he stuttered, “I’m sorry there’s a bunch of glass in you.”

You shrugged a shoulder and heaved out a sigh. “You know, it could be worse. I’ll take a little glass over the alternative bullet in my skull.”

Peter blanched at that and his facial panic had you chuckling. He began to stammer, and you held your good hand out to him. At the gesture, he blinked in surprise before slowly moving to take your hand. You brushed your thumb over his knuckles, only to be surprised as Peter laced your fingers together again.

“Thank you for your concern, Peter,” you smiled. “But let’s focus on what happened and what’s going on now. No need to worry over ‘what ifs’ right now.”

As Peter beamed at you, Doctor Finestein and Jeremy knocked and entered the room. Peter dropped your hand and stepped back, once again blushing furiously. Jeremy handed you and Peter some cups of water as Dr. Finestein announced that it was time to begin the removal once more.

You chugged your water and put the empty cup behind you before brandishing your arm to the good doctor. You felt a lot better after wetting your throat, and you were really wanting to get home and just go to bed. All the “excitement” of the past handful of hours was taking its toll on you, and you really wanted to go to bed.

As the professionals washed their hands and got everything ready once more, Peter finished his cup and took yours, throwing them away. He laced your fingers together and squeezed as the doctor and nurse began to remove the glass from your arm.

There were bigger pieces there, and each removal stung more than any in your face had. Peter kept squeezing your hand and rubbing your back; at once particularly irksome pull, he started to trace nonsensical patterns on your hand with his thumb. Then, you saw his face light up as inspiration struck.

He unlaced your fingers before turning your hand palm up. “I’m going to do little drawings, and I want you to try and guess what it is!” he beamed at you.

“Okay, sounds like a good idea,” you agreed, wincing slightly.

As Peter traced small designs on your palm, you managed to direct most of your attention to him. You hadn’t even known the doctor and nurse were done removing the glass until a sting of disinfectant snapped your head over to them.

“Almost done with this,” Doctor Finestein smiled at you. “We’ll bandage you up and check your ribs before the CT scan, okay?”

“Sure,” you nodded as Peter gently scratched his fingernail down your palm, obviously vying for your attention. Your laughter at his behavior made everyone in the room smile, and you shook your head at Peter. “So needy,” you teased.

Peter simply winked at you, making blood run to your face and chest, and drew his design once more on your palm.

Sooner than you expected, Jeremy was leaving the room (not without you thanking him, of course) with the tray of bloody glass, and Doctor Finestein was telling you to remove your shirt so she could look at your ribs.

Your wide, panicked eyes flashed to Peter and his red face.

“I, um, I’ll step out,” Peter stuttered, quickly fleeing the room.

You tried to ignore how your heart ached as he left; it was obvious to you that he didn’t want to see any part of you naked. It hurt your heart, but you tried to reassure yourself that Peter was just being polite. It didn’t stop the slight ache in your heart of the rush of anxiety in your mind as you took off your shirt so the doctor could do her examination.

[alo-piss-trancy]

Hello, you have been identified as An Awesome Writer™! Congrats, you rock! So that all of your readers can shower you with some extra love today, please tell us your favorite five (or as many as you want) stories of yours and why you like them and then send this to another five fic authors you think deserve this title! ❤

Gee, I wonder who this could be from? c; (Thank you so much I love you!)

Okay so I’m doing seven because as you all know from my zillion ships and characters I’ve written for/screamed about, I’m incapable of picking a specific favourite lmao. But it’s still less than half my fics so it’s fine. Also none of these are ranked, I enjoyed them all equally tbh. (Forgive my lack of heart emojis RIP, I’m on desktop for this one)The Troubles Rain Can Bring (Pers/ona 5) : Of course I have to bring this one up, since it’s the one I consider my first legit omo fic (Jade was my first foray, but since it’s unfinished and I picked a dead fandom specifically so I had less chances of getting mean comments, I consider it more of a practice run). This was my first time writing for a very active and current fandom, so it was really intimidating, but I was also really excited to participate in creating for a game I was so passionate about! Also that fic was just a total labour of self-indulgence and love (excuse for fluff with my otp? combining all my fav tropes? Gratuitous Akira Suffering? Including the others for fun towards the end? I was in hog heaven!) While I definitely can find parts where I could improve the writing now, I still love it for all of the effort I put into it, and I got such a lovely response that made me feel really welcome on ao3, the omo tag on tumblr, and in the p/5 fandom! It’s kind of nostalgic for me, even if it was only written like a year and a half ago, haha.All Bottled Up (Dang/anRonpa: THH) : I’m just really proud of this fic, and I had so much fun writing it! I think it’s probably one of the few fics I’ve written that was a completely smooth ride of inspiration and fun from start to finish, without any hitches in the writing process or me getting bogged down with other projects. Seriously I think I hammered the entire thing out in like a week or two lmao. I love Naegiri so much, and the idea was a treat to work with even if it’s some of the most cliché omo scenarios, it was just a nice relaxing bit of indulgence! Also I got to dig into Kirigiri’s character, which I didn’t get to do in my other fic of her (since that one was so short and oddly styled). My favourite bit was probably getting to mess with the drawbacks of her gloves/hand injuries, and of course those fluffy bits with Naegi! Getting Your Feet Wet (Pers/ona 5) : This one, hoo boy. Definitely one of my longest fics, and while at the time when I posted it I kind of hated half the stuff in it (just because I had been nitpicking it for so long lmao), now that time has gone by I can genuinely say I love it and it’s probably one I’m proudest of. Not only was it my first full dive into snut (and I’d like to think it isn’t too shabby), but I got to work with a rarepair that I’ve been intrigued by, with two of my fav npcs from the game! So fun times all around! It was great to imagine how Sae might have changed and opened up since the game’s ending, and what Tae could do to help draw her out of that strict shell while still making her feel secure and comfortable. Also I got to include pet/p.lay which is something I’d been dying to write since I started that account, so bonus points for that! And I got a way better response than I was expecting, so that was nice!A Sinking Ship (Pers/ona 5) : ((Okay I swear I still plan to update the other half of this one someday soon, I literally have the draft halfway done I just haven’t been able to get it finished to the level I want.)) Anyways, I have a soft spot for this one because 1. It’s Makoto, and you all know how much I adore her, 2. I finally got to write some legit palace battling and shenanigans, which I really enjoyed and want to include more of in future projects, 3. I literally put so much detail into this one, from the setting descriptions to the dialogue and going out of my way to include the entire team interacting with her instead of just one or two chars, and I’m giving myself a fat pat on the back for that. And then throwing in actual anxiety and plot issues instead of just making her desperate for the sake of it, which may have been ambitious (hence why it’s kind of on a cliffhanger right now while I finish the comfort half), but I really just wanted her to have one of my best fics possible because Makoto deserves the best (of the worst suffering oops sorry bby). Also did I mention The Shumako Bridal Carry scene? That was absolutely necessary to include okay? Also there’s gonna be quality Shumako bonding in the second chapter so I’m biased to love this in advance. Basically I love this one specifically because it’s my own self-indulgent bullshit, which is kind of every fic I write but this is definitely one of The Most Indulgent. I also consider this one my very best omo fic in terms of the actual omo writing/content, even if it’s long AF, because at least you’re getting desperation and wetting for pretty much the entire thing, even when other stuff’s going on around it. So yeah I guess if you don’t mind a cliffhanger ending (for now) and have a decent knowledge of p/5, this is the one I recommend reading!Conundrums Lead to Collapse (Doc/tor Who - 13th Doc/tor) : I really liked writing this one because of the whump, actually. I rarely have excuses to injure characters for Even Worse Omo Suffering/Comfort, so the fact that I could write based on a canon injury was the perfect excuse! Also I’m just weak for the 13th Doctor so I’m always down for omo of her, but it was also a fun excuse to explore her character. We hadn’t gotten to see her angry or broken down at the time it aired, so I enjoyed getting to play around with how things affect her when she does finally lose the positive attitude and confidence, and bringing a character as powerful (and semi immortal I guess) as The Doctor to the floor was just a fun exercise. Also it’s kind of hard to find whump fics focused on female characters that don’t involve a certain kind of violence (or just female whump in general actually), so I just really enjoyed using all of the fandom tropes I’ve read over the years in those fics to create something for those of us who wanted it the other way around! I would also like to say this one gave me the excuse for Found Family Coddling, everyone comforts and helps her towards the end which is perfect for my fluff-craving heart after all of the angst.Holding More than Cards (Ka/kegurui Compulsive Gambler) : Oh boy, I’ll be honest the reason I love this is purely because it’s pretty much the only fic for this pairing that I’ve found for my tastes and I had to make it myself dang it (They basically had a whole two episodes where Midari creamed herself for Yumeko and they had that scene where they held each other’s faces staring into their eyes, HOW is no one jumping on this ship??? There’s literally 5 fics total on ao3 I’m not joking). I really enjoyed getting to dig into Midari’s characterization for this one, especially since I had such a tiny bit of canon to go off of and had to set it after the anime’s s1 developments. I got to write Yumeko being a dom and dropping her cheerful attitude too, which was really satisfying. Also while this doesn’t have full on snut in it, it was the closest I’d come at the time, so that was an interesting challenge. This was a rare chance to indulge in unhealthy ships too (bc literally every ship in that show is unhealthy on some level lmao) so that was entertaining to try and navigate.Capture the Fly with Nectar Sweet (The Ch/illing Adventures of Sabrin/a) : I just posted this one recently but I’m adding it anyways, because I had an absolute blast working on it. It’s so starkly different from anything I usually write, because you all know I love close friendships and found family and all that quality fluff and caring. But instead this one was me staring at my laptop thinking of how I want to tell this character to go to hell, except that would be pointless because that’s literally where she came from. I really got to stretch my wings outside my comfort zone and dig around in the dark, manipulative side for a while, and it was so much fun to study one of my favourite villains (anti-hero? she’s such a mysterious mess idk how to classify her) and her relationship with Sabrina. I also got to attempt writing desperation from the outsider’s perspective instead of the victim’s, and while I feel like I definitely still have room to improve with that, it was a nice break from the way I usually write my omo fics. I also got to shift around my writing style for this one, using words like ‘betwixt’ (which I love but never get to use lol) and using a bunch of metaphors and similes to showcase how Madam views Sabrina. This is probably the fic that makes it obvious that Language Arts was my favourite subject in school and that I’m Extra when it comes to predator/prey comparisons lmao. (Note: Please read the tags on this one, the Dead Dove: Do Not Eat warning applies here.)

I actually don’t know who else to send this to that I haven’t already, since like half the omo tag has vanished and I’m blanking on usernames, so if any of y'all are reading this post and you write fics: consider this me asking you to do it so I can hear about your fics! :D

[inspiringwhilerespiring]

Yall know i love this survey shit<3

1. List 5 things you want to do before the year ends.

-finish 5 books

-lose 20 lbs

-produce more art

-travel out of the state & country

-heal my heart and love myself a lil more

2. What color are your pants?

not wearing any

3. Favorite motivational quote.

damn, there’s A L O T. prob something simple and to the point. I like “proud, but never satisfied” and “the distance between your dreams and reality is called action”

4. When was the last time you drank coffee?

yesterday; got a new french press for christmas<3

5. What was the last thing you ate?

lmao the weirdest shit. hot cheetos, some hummus, and a bar

6. Favorite animal.

soo many; always been fascinated by sharks. Elephants are up there too.

7. Favorite song.

currently anything Kid Cudi - he soothes my soul

8. Last movie you watched?

National Lampoon family vacation I think?

9. Any turn ons?

of course; im one of those gay people who gets turned on by having an emotional connection first and foremost; but if were strictly talking physical shit - any neck action is sexy af. or just taking breaks to make eye contact.

10. Any turn offs?

bad breath lol and just being a dick in general or inconsiderate

11. List 4 big words off of the top of your head.

cognizant; superfluous; compelling; anguished

12. What are some meaningful movies?

First ones that come to my mind that left an impact or a meaningful message are Shawshank Redemption, Avatar, Wall-E (lol), Forest Gump

13. 2 most important people in your life right now?

Myself honestly 

14. What are 3 things you want to do before the month ends?

Find a desk, order a blender, and form a morning routine

15. When was the last time you read a good book?

Currently reading Michelle Obama’s -Becoming; before that I read the Alchemist and it was good

16. How long do you study for usually, if you study?

I don’t

17. Do you have any nicknames?

Pollo, Hayls

18. Favorite kind of perfume? (fruity, alluring, etc.)

Viva la Juicy, but honestly all of them - been sticking to essential oils or all natural shit lately - anything with Amber is good.

19. Do you have any international friends / friends who live out of state?

yes<3

20. What is something unique that you do every single day?

lol shower? I dont really do anything special i dont think?

21. If there was a movie based on your life, what would it be called?

“Becoming” lol because I feel like I am always growing and changing and adapting and learning and ill never just be one thing

22. When was the last time you bought a gift for someone?

Recently - christmas time

23. Are you a shopaholic?

no - but i just got an amazon prime account and thats game changer fa real

24. What are some songs that always make you feel better?

Love - Kid Cudi, 

25. List 3 activities that you can only enjoy by yourself.

Sitting in the tub (otherwise that shit is too crowded lmao)

Reading a good book

Masturbating prob?

26. If you could live in any biome (and survive) which biome would you live in?

Tropical island

27. How do you like being roused in the morning?

cuddles and soft music (prob reggae) and if i aint got shit to do a bluntttt fam

28. How was your day? What did you do?

it was ok - fighting some inner demons lately and feeling really low :/ but i got a little bit done so im giving myself a break

29. What did your last text message say?

“bye”

30. Do you respond to texts quickly?

depends on who it is lol

31. Who was the last person you called?

my mom

32. List 5 things that are on your wish list.

i wanna learn another language

I wish to be able to see more things change for the better in our world

i wish to skydive

i wish to live in another country for a while

and i wish to love myself

33. If you were famous, what do you think you would be famous for?

maybe being a host of a talk show lol

34. Winter or summer?

both

35. What is a quality that all people should have?

empathy

36. If you could have a large collection of one item, what would that item be?

my inner white girl and materialistic ass says shoes - but idk i think it would also be cool to have a collection of books or photographs - ya know that sentimental shit i be on

37. What have you been thinking about lately?

wow so much - a lot of reflecting honestly about who i have been and how i’ve treated others and how i am trying to change myself - so ironically enough, i’ve also been thinking about the future and trying to focus on who i want to be and where i want to be

38. What is the secret to a happy life?

taking it day by day im sure

39. What are some phrases you say often?

“nice” lol to my clients a lot

40. Favorite food?

lately its been asian - like thai and vietnamese. fuck now i want some dumplings and curry and egg rollllz

41. List 3 wishes.

already fuckin diiiiiddd fam

42. What are some of your greatest fears?

memory loss, dying, losing others

43. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?

idk whats app prob

44. Most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen (in real life)? 

machu picchu

45. Spicy food:Like or dislike? 

LOVE

46. Scary movies:Like or dislike?

Depends

47. Do you like to travel?

Do you know me lol

48. Any regrets?

yeah always, but i try to live my life without any and honestly id never go back and change em

49. Do you like rain?

obsessed; fav weather actually

50. What do you spend most of your money on?

food

51. Would you rather visit the past or the future?

past bc im a sentimental person; future is exciting and i like surprises and the unknown and dreaming about that shit - id rather not know.

52. Favorite clothing store?

depends - urban outfitters is my style but i like goodwill just as much

53. What is the best advice you can give to those who are feeling down?

this too shall pass

54. How often do you think about your future? Does it scare you?

honestly not often enough, i try not to over think things or it tends to give me anxiety. why worry about things that are far out of our control? I just take shit day by day

55. What angers you the most?

ignorance. and rude ass people. when someone isnt being genuine

56. When was the last time you got majorly angry?

yesterday

57. When was the last time you got really sad?

today

58. Are you good at lying?

im sure everyone is to some degree

59. What foreign language would you like to learn?

spanish

60. How many languages can you speak and what are they?

just one - semi fluent in spanish

61. How often do you go to parties? If you don’t, what do you do instead?

lol 

62. What books do you plan to read this year?

not sure! I have a couple but we shall see

63. Do you have breakfast every morning?

yes i try to - its my fav meal

64. Tell us a secret.

then it wouldnt be a secret

65. How many concerts have you been to?

a few

66. Last hug?

wasnt long enough

67. Who knows you better than anyone else?

myself

68. Baths or showers?

ooooooh damn, depends

69. Do you think you’re ambitious?

i could be a little more

70. What song is stuck in your head?

lmaooo wake up in the sky by gucci mane and bruno - thats been my shit lately

71. Countries you’ve visited?

Peru, Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica, Jamaica, Caymans, Philippines

72. What do you most value in your friends?

Communication and laughter

73. What helps you to sleep better?

putting my got dang phone away from me

74. What is the most money you have ever held in your hand?

prob like 2 grand or some shit

75. What makes you nervous?

when i over book myself or take too much on and have a lot on my plate - so time management i suppose

76. What is the best advice you’ve ever been given?

to live in the present moment; and to take care of myself 

77. Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive for sure - i dont really ever forget

78. First mobile phone?

ayyy a flip phone and it was see thru and lit up and had a walkie talkie!

79. Strangest dream?

lmao ew no im so ashamed

80. Best dream?

flying or something

81. Who is the smartest person you know?

my grandpa it seems

82. Who is the prettiest person on tumblr?

idk

83. Do you miss anyone right now?

very much, always

84. Who do you love? Why?

everyone, because life is too damn short for hate

85. Do you like sharing?

yeah lol bc i expect ppl to share w me in return

86. What was the last picture you took with your phone?

idk actually

87. Is there a reason behind everything that happens?

yeah id like to think so

88. Favorite genre of music?

i was raised on hip hop so i feel like that is my go to but honestly i love reggae, alternative, a lil bit of electro chill shit, R&B, oldies, jazz, anything 

89. If you had one word to describe yourself, what would it be?

Understanding

90. Describe your life in 5 words.

roller coaster. fun. emotional. loving. growth.

91. Describe the world in 4 words.

crazy. beautiful. strong. vast.

92. Craziest thing you’ve ever done?

skinny dip?

93. First three songs in your favorite playlist?

cocaine model - zhu

is this love - bob marley

tadow - masego

94. Are you more creative or logical?

def without a doubt 100% creative/emotional/empath/sensative/does things based on feelings rather than reason type person lmao

95. Would you rather lie or hurt someone with the truth?

truth always

96. What are you most proud of?

my ability to communicate and understand people

97. What personality trait do you admire in other people?

strength/humility 

98. When you imagine yourself as really, really relaxed and happy, what are you doing?

smoking a fat ass blunt doing yoga on a sunny day while its 68 degrees out and im on a beach 

[the-real-xmonster]

Hi Alice!! Watching the SP I noticed the box marking the execution of the elements changes the color sometimes? Like at first is yellow and then it change to green? Why is that? Also i though if the skater fall the colour would be red but in some cases it was yellow? Could you explain that I don't really get it. Sorry if it's a silly question 😓

Hi, the color yellow means that the element is under review by the technical panel. For example if a jump has a suspicious landing and/or results in a fall, the panel will replay it in slow motion to determine whether the jump was fully rotated, and if it wasn’t, if the miss in rotation was enough for an under-rotation call or a downgrade. This call has an impact on the GOE that judges give to an element, so only after the finalization of this call can the GOE be awarded - that’s when the color will change to green or red, to signal positive or negative GOE, accordingly.

Hey Alice, since Yuzu will be skating the last group again, do you think that will be at around the same time as the sp?

He’s going to go fourth this time, but yeah, it’s going to be around the same local time as for the SP. The final group will take to the ice at 1:15 PM: Dima - Boyang - Patrick - Yuzu - Javi - Shoma. Don’t miss it! 

Who’s the guy sitting next to Yuzu and Brian at the K&C? I don’t think I’ve seen him before

That’s Ghislain Briand, jump coach from the Toronto Cricket Club :)

Sorry to bother you but spin levels is still something I am confused with. I read that Yuzu's last spin for his Olympic SP is Level 3 only because he made a mistake. Why? What happened? Can you help me with this? Thank you!

OMG DID YOU WATCH YUZUUUUUUU I CANT EVEN BREATHE RN AND I AM WAILING CRYING LAUGHING AT THE SAME TIME I CANTTTT MY FRIENDS TELLING ME THAT I’VE GONE CRAZY (which is tru). Sorry for the long rants hahahaha 😂 can i ask you something tho?? Why does yuzu get a ccosp3 not ccosp4 like in aci 2017? Is it bcs he didnt rotate that as much as he supposed to do on his upright spin or what idek. And your thought about his pcs?? Thank you so muchhh so sorry for the lots of questions!

Yuzu lost a level on that spin because his feature of edge change from inside to outside in the basic camel position was a bit short of 2 revolutions, just a tiiiiiny little bit. The tech panel yesterday was really strict on spins and steps and put a bunch of those on review :)) 

His PCS was lower than I expected, though not by much. I was so damn sure they would give him a 49 on that. How did he end up with a TR score of less than 9.50 yesterday is beyond my understanding. Oh well...

Are you satisfied with the result and scores at Men SP today? If not, how much scores would you give them?

Everything was pretty much in line with what I expected. Relative order and scoring of top 4 is also reasonable. I think Boyang and Shoma should have been closer in PCS but I would have knocked a bit off of Boyang’s GOE on the 4Lz+3T because of the minor loss of flow (his 4Lz is so huge it usually results in him taking some time to get his bearings before he can tag on the 3T), so overall I’m ok with their placements.

Shoma’s landings in the SP today look quite scary, I was surprised he could stay on his feet. Most people attributed it to his knee bends. How do the knees play a part in the landing (and take-off) of a jump, and in skating in general ?

His landings look quite scary like 90% of the time because of knee and ankle torque. His jumps are on the small side so he doesn’t have a lot of time to unwind his body before he lands, which means that most of the time he has to stop the rotation on ice, which twists his knee and creates that impression of unbalance. His knee action on landing is very good, though, and that is how he is able to stay on his feet. He’s got a soft, low knee bend on landing and he times it well to absorb the impact. It’s a stark contrast to, for example, Nathan, whose landing knee is always very stiff. When Nathan lands you can see how his center of gravity is oddly high and how he always has to tilt his body almost parallel to the ice to keep his balance instead of the usual angular check position. 

Yesterday Shoma was actually better than usual on his quads. At least he didn’t under-rotate anything :)

im still riding my yuzu high but uh something struck me. yuzu skating a clean sp but a disastrous fs VS yuzu skating a clean sp and fs (which has happened like twice). im in awe of the mood he is in these days and i have no doubt that whatever happens tmr, he'll enjoy it but i cant help worrying bc. ugh idk why is yuzu making me stressed. im stressing about the possible 4lo and him not being able to do a 3lo and crap im dying i wish him all the best

Don’t worry, this is PyeongChang, not Boston. Sit back and relax and enjoy Seimei today. 

How do you feel going into the free? Such anxiety lol

I’m strangely calm today. I am even able to write proper English to answer you all, see? I don’t know what came over me, I guess it’s the lingering effect of yesterday’s majestic Ballade, but I am not at all freaked out about the long program. Whatever he delivers on the ice today, I believe we are going to turn out just fine.

Aliceeee have heard about 5 quad fs layout from yuzu???? What did u think about it??? Thank youuu

*laughs and cries* What a glorious skate that was, and then I saw his planned content for the free and it is, as I feared (I'm the one from earlier about the 4Lo), two 4S and two 4T with one 4Lo to make five quads and one 3A. *laughs and cries some more* Oh, Yuzu! I don't even know what to say anymore.

I’m feeling awesome today, so 5 quads? Bring it on. If all goes according to plan, we will be able to add another achievement to Yuzu’s already very long list: first skater to land a quad loop at an Olympic.

On one hand I'm super happy for Yuzu and Javi, on the other hand, as a Kloyada lover, I am suffering (as usual 😢)

I feel really bad for Mikhail. You know I actually like that SP of his a lot. When he’s able to do it clean it’s some sight to behold. Alas...

!!! As happy as I am for Yuzu, I'm really sorry for Nathan. I was really looking forward to a competition where the both of them could skate clean. I am so torn between crying and celebrating

I am too. Nathan’s performance yesterday was just heartbreaking to watch. The only silver lining to this, probably, is that he is still very young and he’s got more Olympics to come for sure.

[sweetlysilent]

Figment (Ch. Three)

Requested By: Nobody

Pairing: Richie Tozier x Reader

Warnings: Traumatic Memories, Fear, Swearing, Symptoms of Anxiety, Mention of Pennywise, etc.

Summary:

When is a door not a door? Most people tend to always overthink the question, over processing what the answer could be, when in reality it’s right in front of your face. When it’s ajar. This is a riddle that is constantly in the back of your mind.

Just like your greatest fear, it lurks between the space of the door, showing it’s form like a shadow, always creeping behind you. But you convince yourself it’s just a figment of your imagination, that it’s all in your head, that you’re just seeing things. But, what happens when the Loser’s Club end up seeing it too?

A/N: So, I don’t know how many people enjoy this lil blurb mini series but I really like it so I’m going to continue writing it bc it makes me happy. If you like it too then by all means go ahead and read it and if you don’t then don’t read it :)) I post other content too.

PSA: Since I’m still having issues with saving/editing text posts I’m unable to update my Masterlist, therefore, if you want to keep up with my more recent writings I will be tagging my fics with ’#masterlist’ so if you want to find them you’ll be able to. If you’re on mobile you can go up to the little search icon in the right hand corner and simply search ‘masterlist’ and my fics (and my masterlist) will show up!

This isn’t exactly based off the movie or the book, I’m just kind of free handing it and I might use bits and pieces from the movie, but besides that I’m basically just flowing with it. Another thing, feel free to send a comment in my ask or below on what you thought of this part! I’d love to see everyone’s reactions, it helps keep me motivated.

Also, comment below or send me an ask if you’d like to be tagged!

“Hi honey, how’d you sleep last night?” Your mother spoke softly, glancing over at you as you stared at the table in front of you while you waited for your breakfast.

“It was.. Okay.” You spoke quietly, shifting slightly in your chair at the thought of your nightmare.

“You’re a waste of space Y/N.” Stan would spit at you.

“We only let you join our club because we felt sorry for you.” Eddie would chime in.

“Nobody even likes you.” Bill added on, not stuttering once.

“You’re nothing.” Richie spoke last, breaking your heart.

“Mom, I should get going, I’m going to be late to school.” You quickly spoke up, snapping out of your thoughts, grabbing a piece of toast and an apple before heading towards the door.

“Y/N! Wait! Don’t forget your anxiety medication! Dr. Martin told me you should take two pills each day so you’ll be more relaxed!” Your mother called down the hallway, making you sigh and stop, grabbing the orange bottle off the counter before leaving your house.

Could life get any worse?

You then spent a good twenty minutes walking to the school, you ate your toast first, and then your apple along the way, finishing it once you arrived at the school.

You threw the rest of the apple into the trash, before entering the building, you were early, earlier than most students got to the school, but you couldn’t stand being at home any longer with your mother constantly on your back about how you were doing.

As much as you loved her and how much she cared about you, you could only handle so much smothering.

You then made your way to the cafeteria to grab a plastic cup, before heading to the girls bathroom where you could secretly take your medication.

You walked inside, expecting it to be empty, but you were wrong, so, so, wrong.

“Y/N! Just who I was hoping to see, you got a minute to talk?” Beverly smiled, her arms crossed as she stood in front of you.

“I- Uhm- I have to.. Uh.. Go..” You stammered, before turning around quickly, rushing out of the bathroom, only to be met by the rest of the Loser’s Club.

“Hey Y/N, in a rush to go somewhere?” Stan questioned, raising an eyebrow at you as you shifted uncomfortably under everyone’s stare.

“Actually, yeah I do, so..” You trailed off, avoiding eye contact as you tried shoving your way through them, which wasn’t an easy task.

You managed to wiggle your way through them though, before sprinting down the hallway, their footsteps hitting the floor loudly behind you as they chased after you.

“Y/N you can’t avoid us forever!”

“We know you’re hiding something!”

“You’re not leaving till you tell us!”

“Alright split up! Don’t let Y/N get away!”

Your heart was beating rapidly, this couldn’t be happening, not now, you had yet to take your medication, thus making the situation ten times worse than what it could be.

And yet, you were still running, turning down different hallways, trying to find a place to hide, but each turn you made you ran into one of them.

“Y/N there’s no way out of this! Stop running!” You heard one of them shout as you rounded a corner, before hiding in a classroom.

You were breathing heavy as you maneuvered through the desks, hoping to hide behind something so they couldn’t find you.

“Shit! Where did Y/N go?” You heard someone shout, which you soon figured out was Richie, him and his trashmouth.

“They couldn’t have gone far, we were on almost every hallway, they must have gone into a classroom.” You heard another one of them say, which turned out to be Eddie.

You then heard the doorknob to the classroom door open, the creaking of the door sending chills up your spine.

You shut your eyes tightly, hiding behind one of the desks, praying they wouldn’t see you, but when were you ever that lucky?

You heard someone clear their throat, making your crack one of your eyes open, only to see the entire Loser’s Club once again before you.

“You aren’t getting away this time, so you better start talking.” Beverly spoke up, her arms crossed as she watched Bill and Ben help you off the ground.

You rolled your eyes, refusing to speak as you sat on a desk, your feet dangling.

“Shit Y/N, just tell us what the fuck is going on.” Richie blurted out, annoyance in his voice.

“Nothing is going on.” You mumbled, messing with the plastic cup in your hands.

“B-Bu-Bullshit.” Bill stuttered out, his brows furrowed at you.

“If nothing was going on, why did you run?” Ben questioned, watching you curiously as you ignored his question.

“Why do you have a plastic cup?” Mike looked at you, his brows also furrowed as he tried to figure you out.

“I needed it. Not that you needed to know that.” You replied, sending a small glare towards them before taking a deep breath.

“Can I go?” You sighed, your body growing tired, as you looked at them with a bored expression.

“No.” Stan simply stated, giving you a stern look.

The room went silent for a few minutes, before you noticed Richie’s eyes dart over to your backpack.

“What is that orange bottle in your backpack?” Richie pointed out, making your eyes widen slightly.

“Nothing! Nothing.” You replied all too quickly, earning suspicious glances from the group, as Eddie lunged for the bottle.

“No! Give it back!” You shouted, trying to grab the bottle back, but Richie and Stan held your arms.

“What the fuck? Since when did you take anxiety medication?” Eddie read the label, before looking at you.

“I just got prescribed it.” You sighed, yanking your arms free of Richie and Stan before retrieving your bottle.

“Why do you need anxiety medication?” Beverly questioned, a sad expression on her face, something you hated receiving.

It was the pity look.

The look your mother always gave you.

“The same reason I need sleeping pills now.” You muttered, grabbing your cup as you filled it up with some water from the sink in the classroom, finally taking your medication.

“You need sleeping pills?” Richie repeated you, making you roll your eyes in annoyance.

“Yeah, my therapist told me I needed them, and that I needed to talk to you guys.” You shrugged your shoulders, waving your hands around.

“You’re seeing a therapist?” Richie repeated once again, louder this time, making something snap within you.

“Yes, Richie! A therapist! Because all I ever see is this fucking clown with a red balloon along with this little boy in a yellow raincoat whose name is Georgie by the way, but isn’t really who he says he is because he turned into this fucking creature!” You shouted, breathing heavy as your eyes watered, your hands shaking as you grabbed fistfuls of your hair.

You sounded crazy. You felt crazy.

Everyone was silent, so silent you could hear a pin drop.

“Y-You s-s-saw G-Georgie?” Bill whispered, his own eyes starting to water as he stepped closer to you.

“Do you know who he is?” You whispered, looking at Bill, your eyes widening slightly, someone else saw him too, it wasn’t just you.

“H-He’s m-m-my little bro-brother.” Bill choked out, making your expression drop instantly, your mouth opening and closing, unable to form words.

“Georgie went missing about a week ago.” Eddie whispered, giving you a sad look, but all you could focus on was Bill.

His brother was dead.

“Bill.. I-I.. I am so.. so sorry..” You whispered, a tear slipping down your cheek.

“N-No don’t s-say that! He isn’t.. H-He isn’t d-dead! Georgie isn’t d-d-dead!” Bill shouted, his own tears falling down his face.

You looked at the rest of the group, their faces full of sorrow, they knew that Georgie was dead, they knew from the moment he was taken and was never found, but Bill, Bill had hope, he had hope he was still alive.

The room soon filled with the sounds of Bill’s uncontrollable sobs, a sight that broke everyone’s heart, he just wanted his brother back.

Beverly ended up pulling Bill into a comforting hug with Stan and Eddie, trying to comfort his broken heart once again, while Richie walked over to you quietly.

Something you’d never seen before, Richie Tozier, the trashmouth, quiet.

You thought for a minute he would break character and make a stupid joke, but he didn’t, instead, he wrapped his arms around you, still not saying a word, instead he just waited until he felt your arms wrap around him.

You felt your body calm slightly, just before your own tears started to flow, your body once again shaking from your sobs, but Richie never let go, he just held you.

That day in the empty classroom was the day the Loser’s Club found out your secrets, the day you exploited your crazy sightings of a clown, a red balloon, and Georgie.

But now a lingering question hung over the Loser’s Club, did they believe you, or did they too think it was just a figment of your imagination?

 Tags: @the-crime-fighting-spider @f-b-a-w-t-f-t-2 @mishamgos @winter-fire-and-january-embers @hey-its-bean @theotherschuyler @o-starshine

[thechampagnecircus]

Fire is a Force

Earth, Air, Fire, Water; all natural elements that are beautiful and essential in their own rights.  But when out of control can wreak havoc on our world.  I am aware that wildfires have a place in the natural cycle, and promote the growth of new forests, but if run amok can destroy all in it’s path.  I feel as though people don’t consider them a normal natural disaster, but they are. Although they can -and are- sometimes started by careless humans, it’s just like a hurricane or tidal wave and we are at it’s mercy.  On this note, it is obvious that our trip to the lake this year was a bit different than the norm.  With the heat wave and drought the summer brought, there was no denying the plethora of wildfires scattered throughout most of British Columbia.  The entire province was a tinderbox and the inevitability of wildfires quickly came to fruition.  

I did not grow up with wildfires as a threat, or annual fixture like those on the West Coast.  There were the obligatory Smokey the Bear signs plastered in every small Maine town.  With a fire risk meter -usually on low- and the famous line “Only YOU can prevent forest fires” shaking it’s finger at you.  I learned from a young age to practice safe camping and summer behavior but I never experienced the fear of an actual fire that was spiralling out of control. Having said that, we were not short of other bullying weather entities. We had the rogue hurricane.  Bob, Irene and Sandy all made appearances throughout the years. Hurricane Matthew crashed my cousin Sara’s wedding a few years ago. The uninvited guest who made quite the splash. I also witnessed a small tornado once in the car with my Mum when I was young.  There were infinite thunderstorms married with hail and torrential downpours.  Power outages caused by massive blizzards, and even the famous ice storm of ‘99 which any Mainer will undoubtedly remember.  I mean, shit, Stephen King wrote a made-for-TV movie about it.  But no fires.  

I always heard crazy stories in California and Western North America, especially within the last ten years.  I am sure there are implications of global warming and climate change that could be made, but I won’t fall down that rabbit hole.  It is one thing to hear of devastating fires; as if they are some distant reality. But another to be in their path. Two years ago my first taste of this reality came to life.  A wall of heavy smoke rolled into Calgary.  It was a Friday and everything turned gray.  But not just gray, it was purplish yellow, thick and blocked the sun with an infamous red glare.  When I stepped outside, I could feel the weight of the air and the faintest smell of char.  However, it passed in time for work on Monday and it was back to business as usual.  

That same year, we had our first trip to the lake booked with friends.  We were so excited to show them the waterfront we rave about every summer.  As the plane landed in Kelowna we quickly realized that our dreams of a weekend filled with boating in the sunshine were not coming to pass.  The air quality was at an all time high.  We arrived in the afternoon but it looked like nighttime as the entire valley was shrouded in smoke.  We stuck it out for our four days, staying inside most of the time, playing games and drinking way too much booze to drown our dashed expectations.  

Fast forward to this year.  As I mentioned before, this summer has been filled with record breaking heat and rainfall decided to take a hiatus.  It was the perfect storm of dry conditions and intense temperatures that set the stage for a flash mob of fires to appear.  As we were driving to the lake ten days ago, we drove through varying degrees of smoke levels.  There were road closures, alerts and so many fires it was hard to keep track.  The Sunday before we left, one fire by White Rock Lake had begun, and that was the one we were most worried about due to its location.  It was still small and about 35 km away so we trudged on.  We knew we wanted to make the most of our trip regardless.  We arrived and within one day the air quality was at a 10++.  The air hardly felt like air anymore, thick with particulates and the deep smell of cinder.  The whole family was tentative and staying inside for the most part.  But after a couple days, we began to spend time outside anyways.  You know, YOLO.  It was our vacation and hell, high water, or smoke wasn’t going to ruin our holiday.  We were weary, and aware but still were able to boat, swim, drink pina coladas on the deck and seize the day.  It’s funny how quickly you can become accustomed to something and your threshold for certain things begins to ascend.  After about a week, the smoke had begun to wane and hope felt a bit restored, despite the fire to the North that was not letting up. We kept our heads up but were watching it like a flock of hawks.  

My uncertainty was building with everyday and every update. I have never been good at waiting for the other shoe to drop.  My anxiety and perhaps need for control cannot handle it.  I like to know.  Once I can make a decision and attack it, I feel comfortable. But limbo is not a place I like to be.  Everyone else seemed to have an easier time going with the flow.  Just relax and enjoy ourselves until we get news that we need to evacuate.  I envy that in others.  I truly do.  I had a hard time fully immersing in the moment the last couple days. We were checking perimeter maps and articles, Twitter posts and updates every couple hours.  Once we were under alert and the winds were unrelenting I knew it was only a matter of time.  I felt it in my gut.  My anxiety would run away with itself every once in a while, visualizing flames coming over the hill and us abandoning all belongings to dramatically escape in the nick of time by speed boat.  But then I would quickly bring myself back with reassurance and remember that the fire department would order our evacuation long before that situation was coming to life.  

Our plan for the last few days of our trip were to slowly clean, pack up and ease into a Saturday departure.  Truthfully, it took some convincing from my husband as I was feeling antsy to leave as the rumours of evacuation were swirling and the fire was creeping closer and closer by Thursday night.  But ironically Friday morning the smoke that had shadowed almost our whole trip had completely disappeared.  The sun was out, cumulus clouds were floating in stereotypical perfection as if plucked out of a Bob Ross painting.  The wind was blowing and if you breathed deeply for a second you forgot that just a few kilometers away the meanest, most out-of-control fire in BC was tip-toeing closer and closer.  Just as we got settled to soak up our last day of vacation, the evacuation order came in.  We took an hour or so to pack up and we were out by 1 pm yesterday.  Due to road closures, construction, two car accidents and general traffic, it took us about 9 hours to get home to Calgary.  

It felt wonderful to wake up in our own bed this morning, but our minds are still thinking about what is going on the Okanagan.  The whole of Vernon is now on alert. They fear embers from the fire could create new fires by jumping the lake. We saw a video showing parts of Westside road, the road we take to get to our place, ablaze in rampant flames.  Our hearts are sinking a bit in pessimism that it might reach our doorstep.  I can’t help but feel selfish, here worrying about a vacation home.  There are those who are displaced, in an evacuation center, praying their homes don’t burn to the ground.  And I feel for them.  Wholeheartedly.  I can’t imagine the torment and anxiety of such a situation.  But also, the lake house on Beachwood Road is our little slice of paradise.  It harbors countless family memories, photos, the kid’s heights on a hallway ruler, meals cooked over wine and laughter, projects started and finished, a safe haven during quarantine.  Aaron’s dad has put endless blood, sweat and tears into getting the cottage just right for every family visit.  Putting in stone patios, a brilliant deck built from scratch, his peach tree he desperately tries to save from the deer, bedroom renovations to accommodate the entire gaggle of us so everyone has a place to sleep.  Our kids have gone out a number of times to help their Bumpa hammer nails, dig window wells, drywall and install shiplap for their Amma.  I am sad to think all that will be lost and what it means moving forward.  At the end of the day, there is insurance and all materials can be replaced and structures rebuilt.  We are all safe and my fingers are crossed in hopes that the brave people fighting this fire start to get it under control.  May our piece of heaven be spared, but most importantly mother nature run it’s course with forgiveness.

Copyright © 2021 Carly Eddy.

[sagesspagesblog]

Beatin the Rona!

I like to think that maybe we’ve learned a thing or two during this virus, for me, it’s that I have a ton of guilt when I can’t write a blog post about a recent survey in one day (and also I procrastinate more than I should). I hate to think that it’s probably going to be a lot worse than better. 

19 people answered questions about Covid, about school and what they think so far. I’m not going to post all the questions I sent, because some might find them too personal/the answers were not as informative. 

Q-How long have you stayed in quarantine? (click the months you've stayed in quarantine)

Q-What was the worst part of online school?

“The timing of classes and how everything was laid out.”

“there was not much structure as the teachers just emailed us work to do. also, i had to do everything by myself staying in one place all day, and i didn’t have a teacher right there to help me when i needed it.”

Q-Should masks should be mandatory indoors?

Q-Did you enjoy online school?

Q-What was/is the worst part about quarantine?

“Staying inside with my family for too long.”

“Lack of social contact with people.”

“not seeing my friends. my friends provide me with certain amounts of comfort.”

“Not being able to see all my friends or go to many places.”

“Being locked in a toxic household.”

“Being alone.”

Q-Would you attend school if schools reopened in August?

Q- Would you have online classes until cases slow down and/or a vaccine is found?

Q-Would you start school late (ex, start January) instead of in August?

Q-Do you find wearing a mask for a long period of time uncomfortable?

Q-Are you looking forward to school starting again? If so, why? If not, why not?

“Yes and no, it’ll make me feel like i’m doing something again but it’d be weird to adapt to no school, physically...”

“yes and no because they will most likely be a spike if we return to normal school and if we are doing online school i don’t want to go back.”

“I don’t really know. On one hand I was looking forward to seeing all of my friends again (obviously that isn’t happening now). However I am nervous about the workload.”

“yes and no. i want to get back into my old routine and some normalcy, but i can’t do that bc actions weren’t taken soon enough to ensure that we would. but i’m excited to start a new school year but it sucks that i have to start it online.”

“Yes because I can’t wait to see my friends that live farther away.”

“Yes, I’ve always enjoyed school, and I really want to be able to have a sense of normalcy in my life. I also would love to have normal band practices and to attend football games.”

Q-What has quarantine taught you? (To clarify, what's a lesson you learned from quarantine? Ex- I learned to check on the news everyday, I learned to be more patient.) If you can, give a story how you learned this.

“I learned to open my eyes more, take in information, and have truly seen some people’s true colors.”

“be patient and not worry about the things you cannot control. for example, i have diagnosed anxiety and it got a lot worse during the first part of quarantine but then i found better ways to cope and learned to manage it better.”

“Toilet paper is under appreciated.”

“Quarantine has really helped me learn to distance myself from certain things and people that aren’t healthy for me, and has taught me who I really value.”

“I learned how to keep myself active better when bored.”

“Life is lonely and a lot of friends are fake.”

“quarantine had taught me not to take things for granted. i am so fortunate because i have a place to go during quarantine, and a safe loving family i can turn to. many people don’t have that, and they can’t risk getting the virus because they can’t afford healthcare for it or can’t afford to take off from work.”

“To be grateful for the things I have cause other people have it way worse.”

“I’ve learned to go with the flow and to just accept what you can’t change.”

“I learned that crying is okay and being upset is a natural thing that shouldn’t be apologized for.”

“i learned that it’s important to take time for myself to just relax - quarantine made me realize just how busy my schedule was.”

“Learned that weird sleep patterns are acceptable.”

“I learned that I need to stop being so dependent on my friends to make me happy, I have to find happiness myself. I was deprived of this false sense of happiness because of quarantine, and that showed me just how dependent I was. I needed to learn how to make myself happy rather than expect someone else to do so.”

“learned to be patient and respect the time.”

“It taught me how to find motivation where there is none.”

I’d like to make a note here. Normally I like to leave myself out because these are the people’s voices that I get to share, but these times are taking away lives and jobs. I am grateful to be privileged, but I want to recognize now that  Covid-19 isn’t over, and we can’t act like it is, because so many are suffering. 

Q-What things did you take for granted before quarantine and the new "normal" we have now? (Ex- I loved hanging inside my best friend's house)

“I actually realized how much I liked [local High School] it wasn’t horrible as much as I thought it was and it actually felt nice to be growing up.”

“hugging people.”

“just going out wherever whenever. i’ve only gone to the beach with a max of three other people at a time, on bike rides with my sister, and to my cousin’s house. i’m kinda tired of it.”

“fun memories and jokes with my friends at school & sports practices/staying in shape easily.”

Q-What is the most interesting thing you've done/learned/achieved since quarantine?

“Mostly donated to charities amid the chaos in the world today!” 

“learned how to paint and sew.” 

“I learned how to knit.” 

“...I’ve devoted a lot more time to the piano.” 

“i learned how to roller skate and sew.”

“i got a boy to talk to me for simply existing i didn’t do ANYTHING i’m just that good at luring boys in im THAT b*tch.” 

“I lost weight.” 

“You’re not going to be friends with everyone and that’s okay.” 

“started going on a 2-5 mi run every morning.” 

“Made a fire bacon egg n cheese” 

“Built a guitar.” 

“I’m learning to play the guitar!” 

“I’ve read at least 20 fanfics” 

So yeah. Quarantine has its ups and lows. These surveys are something I’ve learned to do over quarantine.. as well as crop all of my shirts. Thank you all my survey takers! You guys are amazing and your voices are heard! 

[st-crylo]

Undercover & Undone 4

A/N: Yall I had to hold back bc tbh i was like yall need to kiss but its all good. Anyways sorry for being kinda MIA, I’ve been busy with school so it’s been a little difficult for me to write, but now that I’ve got the hang of things, I should be able to get more content out. Thanks for being patient, hope you guys enjoy!!!

Warnings: None

Word Count: 4.8K

Tagging: @stressedoutkylo

U&U Masterlist

Full Masterlist

You felt stress bubble up inside you as you waited for Matt and Ben to arrive. They were going to wish you good luck before you headed to the Cortenshis Estate. Thinking about how tonight was the night filled you with more anxiety than anything ever had. You kept fiddling with your fingers, unable to stay still as you waited for your two closest friends to arrive before you had to get ready. You couldn’t think of any way that this could go any easier, especially since you were terrified. What would you say? How would he react to seeing you again? Would he be happy or angry? You were making yourself sick just thinking about it. You had to find some sense of relief for your stress before the start of the Gala.

A knock at your door broke your haze of anxiety, causing you to hop up from your place on your loveseat and head over to open the door. Once you did, you were greeted by the smiling face of Matt, his glasses slightly frosted around the edges, and Ben, whose nose was slightly red at the tip from the wind.

“Hey, (y/n)!” Matt said as he walked into your apartment, shaking the snow off of his coat. He pulled you in for a hug, which had you shivering.

“Can you not just wait to hug me until after you take off your coat?” You asked as he pulled away. Ben simply gave you a pat on the back and smiled warmly at you.

“Well I figured that would be pointless since we aren’t staying very long,” Matt noted, sticking out his lower lip in a pout. You let out a light laugh and shook your head at him.

“So, how you feeling kid?” Ben asked, causing you to turn and face him. You grimaced at the question, beginning to twiddle your thumbs.

“I’m pretty nervous, actually,” you said softly, looking down at your hands. You felt a hand placed on your shoulder and looked up, making eye contact with Ben. His eyes seemed to burn with emotion, but what emotion you couldn’t quite distinguish.

“(y/n), you will do fine. I’m sure you’ve got this. We all believe in you,” he said reassuringly, causing you to smile. Hearing that everyone’s confidence was in you made you feel better about the situation as a whole.

“Well, we came to wish you good luck, and we’ve done that,” Matt said, breaking the silence between the three of you. You looked towards the blond and nodded, giving him a smile.

“Yeah, I need to call Luka so he can come pick me up,” you stated, giving the two Solo boys one last hug before they set off again. They both stomped over to the doorway and smiled back at you, waving goodbye before closing the door behind them as you rang up Luka. Knowing they had faith in you felt all the more better about tonight, and your ability to do the job at hand.

Kylo stared down at the black tuxedo laid across his bed. He let out a sigh and ran a hand through his head, scratching as he came to the back of his head. He wanted this night to be over as soon as possible, especially since he didn’t really want to socialize. He just wished he could send Tal and Valerium in his place, but he knew Cortenshis would take offense to something like that.

“Kylo, you in here?” came Phasma’s voice from outside the door, along with the barking of his two dogs.

“Yeah, why?” Kylo asked, walking over to the bedroom door. As soon as he did, the two pitbulls were jumping on him, and he scratched behind their ears before looking up at Phasma.

“I thought you’d like to know that Hux is probably going to start drama. At least, that’s what Mitaka was saying. He’s hoping that if he can get you angry enough, you’ll make a bad impression to Cortenshis,” she stated, a piece of her short blonde hair falling in front of her eyes.

“Of course he is,” Kylo said flatly. If Hux’s men were going to be insulting, Kylo highly doubted any of them could really hold back. Knowing it was deliberate, though, did help. Kylo let out a sigh as he scratched the back of his head. He couldn’t really expect Hux to be civil, could he? Even if he was planning to be civil with Hux, a rare occasion in and of itself.

“Also, Valerium and Tal are downstairs waiting for you. They have some questions about tonight that they want you to answer,” Phasma said before walking away. The dogs stopped wagging their tails as they watched Phasma walk away, and as soon as she was out of sight they returned their attention to Kylo. He leaned down to scratch both of their heads before walking out of his room and heading downstairs.

Valerium and Tal were both in the sitting room, each in their own armchair, both smoking on a cigarette. Valerium was very easily distinguished from Tal, as he sat with his back straights, legs crossed, and pale blond hair parted neatly. He wasn’t as rough as some of the other members of the Knights of Ren, but he was just as fierce. Tal, however, seemed to be more carefree than Valerium. He sat back in a very relaxed manner, his legs parted, and a smug grin on his face. His brown hair was in disarray on top of his head, heading in every which direction, looking blown from the winter wind outside. As Kylo approached, however, both men stood from the armchairs and shook the hand of their leader.

“You ready for tonight?” Tal asked Kylo, who simply shrugged before grabbing a cigarette of his own and taking the lighter from the table. After he took a drag, blowing out the light billowing smoke, he sat down.

“I just want it to be over,” Kylo remarked, taking another drag from his cigarette. The other men also sat down, taking drags themselves and returning to their previous postures.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Valerium responded, looking off into the distance and out of the large diamond pane window.

“It shouldn’t be too bad. If we don’t get bothered by Hux’s assholes, we should have this in the bag,” Tal stated, putting out his cigarette in the ashtray and cracking his knuckles.

“Yes, well, if they try to insult you, remember to keep your cool. We can’t afford to let this go in their favor,” Kylo stated before putting out his own cigarette and standing from his armchair. “I guess it’s time we go get ready.”

You stared at your reflection in Anne’s vanity mirror in awe. She’d made you absolutely gorgeous, and you almost didn’t recognize yourself with how dolled up you were. You couldn’t help but keep your mouth agape as you stared at your own reflection.

“Luka!” Anne called out through your haze of examining yourself. Luka quickly ran into the room, straightening himself up as he stepped beside his mother.

“Yes mom?” He asked, looking her in the eye. She returned a smile to him and then indicated to you.

“How does she look?”

You looked up at Luka, who instantly smiled when he saw you. His smile made you feel even more confident in yourself.

“You look amazing, (y/n). Wonderful job, Mom,” he said, resting his hand on his chin. You blushed, turning away and back to the vanity mirror.

“Now, we get you in the dress. Luka, go get the dress from the guest bedroom closet,” Anne demanded, holding out a hand to you so you could rise from the seat in front of the vanity.

After Luka retrieved the dress, you quickly got into it, afterwards adding the final touch of a beautiful silver necklace with a cut of aquamarine in the pendant.

“I think this fits very well with your outfit dear. Now, go wait with Luka downstairs. Guests should be arriving any time soon,” Anne said, pushing her blonde hair back as she shooed you out of the room. You softly thanked her before rushing out and then down the grand staircase of the magnificent home. Downstairs, there was a pair of shoes waiting for you by the end of the steps. You slipped them on with ease, growing a couple of inches from the heels, and then you headed to the sitting room where Luka was waiting for you.

To say you were nervous was an understatement, but as each passing second went by, you were filled less with dread and more with excitement. There were no real words to describe how wonderful it would be to see Kylo again after all these years. After all, out of the three Solo brothers, you were always closest to Kylo. Meeting him again was like a dream you’d never expected to become reality.

“You seem excited,” Luka noted as you sat down, flattening your gown as you plopped onto the armchair. You smiled and nodded, looking at the lit fireplace as the firewood crackled in the heat.

“It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other. I never thought I’d see him again,” you said, not looking up from the fire. The expression on your face dropped as anxiety filled you once more.

“You never explained to me how you knew each other,” Luka said, leaning forward in his seat so he could listen to your tale. You knew eventually you had to explain, it wasn’t like your familiarity with Kylo was anything bad, it was just simply something you had put off sharing. You smiled, though, as you thought of all the happy memories from childhood.

“Well, we actually grew up together, in Alderaan. It was me, Poe Dameron, Kylo, and his two brothers, Matt and Ben. I was closest with Kylo though,” you said, smiling fondly as you looked over to Luka. He smiled as well as he watched you, your reminiscent happiness almost contagious. “We used to go out to the lake every Sunday to skip rocks. I was always bad at it, but Kylo was like a master at it. Also, we’d always go to the movies together, sometimes it was all five of us, sometimes it was just me and Kylo.”

“So what happened?” Luka asked, causing the smile on your face to slowly drop. You wrapped an arm around yourself and looked back at the fireplace.

“He wasn’t happy staying in Alderaan anymore. Snoke sought him out because of who his grandfather was, and Kylo was just like Anakin. Even his mother thinks so. The last day I saw him, he said that the only reason he hadn’t gone with Snoke yet was because of me. I told him I didn’t want to be the thing keeping him in a place where he wasn’t happy,” you said, letting out a sigh. You remembered that day very vividly. You also remembered the phone call you’d received the next day from Ben telling you that Kylo had disappeared. Your heart had been broken but you felt at the time he would be happier.

“I’m sorry,” Luka said very softly, also turning to look to the fireplace pensively.

All of the sudden, a loud and resounding knock at the door caused the two of you to snap out of your depressing haze, and caused you to both look up.

“Well, I guess it’s time we make our way to the ballroom,” Luka said, standing from the armchair. You copied him, dusting off your skirt before following Luka out of the sitting room.

The haze of guests packed into the once empty ballroom as people in elegant gowns all crowded within. Kylo pulled lightly on his tie to help relive him from the stuffiness of the room. He looked over at Tal, who always walked with an air of confidence and always seemed to know what to do in social situations. Very much unlike Kylo.

“What’re you looking so anxious about?” Tal asked as he grabbed two flutes of champagne from a butler who walked by and handed Kylo one while he sipped from the other. Kylo frowned before taking a swig from the glass and then sighing.

“Because I don’t normally do this, Tal. You’re the one who does all the socializing,” Kylo said, his baritone voice rumbling deep in his chest. Tal shrugged as he took another sip from his champagne. His eyes wandered around the room, surveying all the guests he could see from where he, Tal, and Valerium were sitting.

“Val, why don’t you have some champagne?” Tal asked, looking past Kylo to see Valerium’s stone cold expression. Valerium frowned at Tal, which was something quite common, and let out a sigh.

“Because, Tal, someone has to be responsible here. Besides, I don’t like champagne,” Valerium stated very matter of factly as he pushed a piece of his silvery-blonde hair behind his ear. Tal threw his head back in a laugh as Kylo continued to shift awkwardly between the two. He was beginning to wonder if he should’ve brought more than just Tal and Valerium.

You scanned the ballroom in search of Kylo, hoping that you could at least catch a glimpse of him. However, with the ballroom beginning to fill up even more with all of Cortenshis’ guests, it was harder to distinguish any one person, so you resigned to eating some of the small snack foods laid out on the table that you and Luka happened to be standing by. Luka saw your resigned look and let out a laugh, taking hold of one of the toothpicks that had some random cheese attached.

“You’ll find him eventually. There’s only so many people here,” Luka assured you as he bit into the cheese. You sighed and turned away, looking out to the magnificent windows that lined the ballroom walls. The snow was falling lightly outside in the night air, riding along the wind wistfully.

The clinking of a spoon on glass had you snapped from your thoughts as you looked to where Lukas Cortenshis was standing, next to the small orchestra he’d hired for the night. Your eyes watched him as he cleared his throat, the ballroom going silent as their attention turned to their host.

“I’d like to thank you all for coming tonight,” Cortenshis started, “It’s always a pleasure to throw this gala every year, and it’s even better to see new faces each time. However, I of course do not do all the preparation alone. I’d like to thank my son Luka for helping organize the food and the guests for this year’s gala.”

Everyone clapped and turned to face Luka. As Kylo did so, he noticed someone next to him, smiling widely at Luka as he accepted all the compliments from the guests surrounding him.

For a moment, Kylo’s world went silent as he realized who it was standing next to Luka. He stopped clapping and simply stared wide eyed at the beautiful face he thought he’d never see again. You looked like a winter goddess in his eyes, the dress you were wearing looked like it was made from the snow falling from the sky and the bright winter sky in midday. He could hear his heart pounding in his chest as he watched you smile, a smile still so radiant it put the stars to shame.

“Kylo?” Tal all but yelled as the clapping died away and the guests returned to their socializing. Kylo turned towards Tal, his brows furrowed in confusion. Why were you here? Was it even you he was seeing, or someone who looked eerily like you? Kylo had to know so he turned towards Tal once more.

“Tal I need you to do me a favor,” Kylo said, running a hand through his jet black hair.

“Yeah, sure boss,” Tal said, standing up straighter next to Kylo. Kylo felt a tightness of anxiety in his chest as he turned back to where you and Luka were standing.

“That woman standing Luka, I need you to find out what her name is,” Kylo said softly, only loud enough for Tal to hear. Tal was confused by Kylo’s request, but nodded and headed towards Luka nonetheless.

You laughed at Luka’s comment about his father’s soon to be drunkenness when you noticed a tall figure approach the two of you. When you looked over, you felt a bit of disappointment seeing that it wasn’t Kylo. However, you did notice that Luka’s grin widened.

“Hello Tal,” Luka said, smirking at the man who’d just appeared.

“Hello Luka. Unfortunately I didn’t come just for you. Your friend here-“ Tal turned to look at you, giving you a warm smile, “has attracted the attention of a very nervous and unsociable man who would like to know her name. So, Madame, what is your name?” You blushed lightly at the thought of someone being too nervous to speak to you, but you still felt disappointed about Kylo, so you simply smiled back at Tal.

“It’s (y/n) (y/l/n),” you stated.

Kylo saw Tal pushing his way through the crowd of elegantly dressed guests and make his way ack to Kylo. Kylo started anxiously fiddling his fingers as Tal stepped closer until his friend was right in front of him.

“So?” Kylo asked, eager to see if it was really you.

“Her name is (y/n) (y/l/n),” Tal stated, a smile on his face. For the second time that night, everything seemed to slow down in Kylo’s world. So it was you, after all these years. You’d somehow manage to weasel your way back into his life, and he was nothing but elated, and yet terrified at the same time.

Kylo started walking towards you, ready to finally hear your voice again after all this time. It was too good to be true though, when he was stopped by a strong arm wrapped around his shoulder, causing him to be pulled back. Kylo let out a frustrated sigh as he looked down at the drunken face of Lukas Cortenshis. Suddenly, he was reminded of why he was even here in the first place, so he turned to Cortenshis with as much of a smile as he could muster.

“Kylo, my lad. I was beginning to worry you hadn’t come! So, how are you doing?” Cortenshis said, his cheeks rosy from the heat of the room and the alcohol combined. Kylo kept his forced smile on his face as he thought only about meeting up with you again.

“I’ve been good, Lukas. This really is a wonderful gala,” Kylo noted, trying to butter his way into Cortenshis’ favor so that he could slip away quickly.

“That’s damn good! Well, I know I’m being sought out by my wife somewhere, so I’ll speak with you later,” Cortenshis leaned in and lowered his voice. Kylo also leaned towards him so that he could hear the older man better. “I want to meet you and Hux in my office after most of the guests have left.” Kylo nodded and then watched as Cortenshis walked away, parting the crowd of people all socializing and dancing.

Kylo let out a sigh of relief as he turned back to head towards you…except you were no longer there. Kylo let out a groan of frustration as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and saw Tal smirking at him.

“Follow me boss,” he said, indicating for Kylo to follow him.

You shivered as you felt the cold wind hit your bare shoulders on the balcony that you and Luka had just gone to in order to escape the crowd within the ballroom. Though the garden from the view of the balcony was gorgeous, bushes of evergreen topped in snow, the cobblestone path through the garden cleared of all the snow, making the atmosphere surreal, you couldn’t help but still be a little anxious. You still hadn’t seen any trace of Kylo, and you doubted that he would find you out here on the balcony.

“Don’t worry, he’ll come soon enough,” Luka said, as if reading your thoughts. He was seated on the stone bench by the railing, his ankles crossed as he stretched his legs out. You frowned as you moved to sit next to him.

“How can you be so sure?” You asked with a sigh, threading your fingers together and placing them down on the skirt of your dress. You heard Luka let out a chuckle from beside you.

“Because I told Tal to come here, remember? Tal is Kylo’s right hand man,” Luka stated, causing you to perk up. So it was Kylo who had asked about your name earlier. The thought alone had a blush rising to your cheeks. You couldn’t wait until Luka brought him around.

As if on cue, the door to the balcony suddenly opened, revealing two men in black tuxedos walking out. You recognized Tal as soon as he stepped out, as he was the first of the two to join Luka and yourself on the balcony. As soon as you laid eyes on the second man, though, you slowly stood, watching him in awe.

He was slightly taller than when you’d last seen him, his hair longer as well. His overall appearance was more rugged, but in a way, you loved it, and it made him even more handsome. He had the same expression on his face that you did as he stared back at you, equally in awe of the situation.

For a moment, you forgot about everything, your shitty apartment, less than perfect job, or the task that Ben, Matt, and Poe had given you. The only thing you could focus on was Kylo, and you didn’t even notice yourself walking towards him until you found yourself wrapping your arms around him, burying your face into his chest.

He was shocked at first, after all part of him was convinced you’d never really wanted him, but after a few moments, he slowly wrapped his arms around you, pressing his cheek against the top of your head. He couldn’t really describe what he was feeling, he was simply overwhelmed with emotion.

“Luka, let’s leave them be,” Tal said to his lover as he pulled on the young man who was staring at you and Kylo with a dreamy expression on his face. Once the two of you were alone on the balcony, you looked up at Kylo’s face, taking him in as if he were merely a figment of your imagination, one that would blow away with the winter wind.

“Why are you here? Of all places, here, at Cortenshis’ winter gala?” Kylo asked, a bit of a chuckle in his voice as he looked down at you. You laughed as well, pushing a stray piece of hair behind your ear.

“Because I’ve been friends with Luka for about a month now. He invited me. Of course, his father thinks I might make his interest in men go away, but I doubt that will ever happen,” you said, letting out a laugh. You felt your cheeks heat up slightly as you watched Kylo’s expression.

The rest of the gala was spent talking to each other endlessly, catching up after all the years the two of you had gone without seeing each other, and also occasionally dancing together, causing other people to leave room for the two of you in the ballroom. Everyone watched in awe, trying to get a look at the girl who had all of Kylo Ren’s attention. You couldn’t give them any thought though, you were just happy to be with Kylo again.

“And to think that I’ll be working at this awful diner until I can find something better is driving me insane,” you ranted as the two of you stood by the food table, sipping on champagne as Kylo listened to your ramblings intently. It was something you’d always appreciated about him, his ability to listen attentively.

Suddenly, you heard someone clearing their throat beside the two of you. You looked up at a man who was almost as tall as Kylo, but not quite, his blue eyes seeming cold, and his silvery blonde hair slicked back neatly.

“Ren, Cortenshis is looking for us,” he stated, looking at Kylo and purposely keeping his gaze away from you. You frowned at this man’s behavior. What had you done to him?

“Of course, thanks Valerium. (y/n), you should wait until I’m done speaking with Cortenshis. There’s something I want to ask you when I’m done,” he said, giving you a smirk that made your heart leap in your chest. As Kylo walked away, the man called Valerium gave you a once over, and a flash of disgust appeared on his face before he followed Kylo. You frowned as you watched the two of them walk away.

After a few seconds, Luka appeared next to you, his hair in disarray and a smirk on his face.

“I suppose your job was easier than everyone was making it seem, huh?” he asked as he leaned against the table containing the last of the food in the now emptying ballroom. Your frowned deepened at his words as everything you were meant to be doing came back to you.

“Yeah, I guess so. It’s amazing what missing a person can do,” you noted, your eyes scanning the ballroom for nothing in particular.

“Are you talking about you or him?” You frowned as you looked up at Luka, confused by his question.

“What do you mean?” you asked, crossing your arms and furrowing your brows as you leaned against the table as well.

“C’mon, (y/n), it’s obvious you missed him, and that you care for him. The question is though, do you care for him enough to not do the job that Dameron expects of you?”

You thought a bit about his question before letting out a sigh. In a way, he had a point, not that you would ever admit it to anyone other than Luka. However, no, you didn’t think you cared enough about Kylo to completely omit the friends who had been by your side since childhood.

After a while of you and Luka waiting for Kylo and Tal, the two men finally walked into the ballroom, Kylo expressionless, but Tal holding the widest grin you’d ever seen in your life. You turned to Kylo who seemed a bit nervous as he looked down at you before giving you a small smirk.

“Will you come with me really quick?” he asked, holding out his hand for you to take. You felt your heart flip again, but then you remembered. I have a job to do, I can’t let him charm me like he used to. You took his hand and he lead you back out to the balcony, the winds now calmed from earlier, and snow no longer falling from the sky.

“I just, uh, wanted to know if, um, you aren’t busy on Tuesday, if you would want to get dinner,” he said, looking down at his feet as he asked. You felt a blush creep up on your cheeks and you mentally cursed yourself for feeling anything for him.

“I would love to,” you said softly, smiling up at him. His face came up to look at yours, searching it as if to make sure he had heard you right, and that he was looking for any indication otherwise. After he realized that he had indeed heard you right, the corners of his mouth turned up into a smile.

“Great! Do you want me to take you home tonight? I’m sure my driver wouldn’t mind,” he said, running a hand through his black hair.

“Thanks for the offer, but Luka is gonna take me home tonight. I’ll give you my telephone number though, so you can call me and I’ll tell you my address,” you said. He grimaced and nodded, following you inside so that you could give him your telephone number. Once you’d done so, the two of you exchanged your goodbyes for the night. Kylo brought you in for a quick hug and looked over you once more as if to assure himself that you were real.

“I’ll call you,” he said with a smile before turning towards Tal and Valerium, both of which were holding completely opposite expressions.

After everyone had gone, you got undressed and then back into the clothes in which you arrived. As soon as you went down the stairs, Luka was waiting for you, the keys to his Cadillac in hand.

Once you had gotten home, you changed into a nightgown and laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling as you thought about the night you’d just had. With a sigh, you kept thinking back to Kylo’s face when he first saw you. With a frown, you scowled at yourself for being attracted to him, but deep down you knew there was no real way to stop it. The connection between you had always been there, and it seemed that even the years apart couldn’t break that bond.

[agirlnamedally]

Allyyyy I start hsc on Monday and I'm supppppeeer nervous. I have been studying a lot but ofc enjoying my time with everyone at the library and talking etc. I'm stressing about my atar bc I really want to get in to social work bc I really wanna help people :((((( I wanna do psych but it's 99!!!!!

My tips for anyone starting Year 12/HSC/Senior Year:

Know that it’s perfectly normal to be nervous! I’m pretty sure I was scared to start VCE from Year 7 onwards, it always seemed like this giant, scary, looming monster that would destroy my happiness and suck out my soul like a dementor. Mostly, I just assumed I would have no free time, wouldn’t be able to keep up with the workload, and would fail absolutely everything.

Then, something funny happened. Year 11 came around and I realised… nothing had changed. The work might have been harder, but I had done the required training (aka Years 7-10) and was fully equipped with the skills to handle it. The transition from Year 10 to Year 11, and then again from 11 to 12, is really not that significant or scary! Your workload might increase a tiny bit, because (and in hindsight now I can look back and 100% support this) practice really does make perfect. Teachers don’t make you write 100 essays because they hate you and want you to be miserable or have no social life, it’s because they want you to be a good writer, but more than that, they know that the more essays you write, the easier it will be for you to write one come exam time. It will be less stressful, less terrifying and so much simpler to just regurgitate a piece of writing you’ve practically memorised because you’ve ingrained it into your memory throughout the year. That’s just an example for say English or Literature, but I think the same thing applies for all subjects, no matter how you’re tested. Practice makes perfect. Or at least, practice makes progress, haha.

Now, ATARs. Those finicky little bastards. I’m not going to tell you to forget about it, because I know that when I was in the midst of VCE it was always on my mind. I even had older kids, who had already graduated, constantly telling me how insignificant it was and that it wouldn’t matter one year from now, but I didn’t believe any of that. Now, looking back, I know that they were right. In terms of measuring your intelligence or potential for future career success, ATARs mean nothing. No matter what score you get, I promise you, you can go on and be anything you want to be in life. There will always be obstacles and challenges between you and your dreams, but if you want something and you’re willing to work hard and be nice to others, nothing can stop you. The only difference an ATAR can make is the journey and how you go about it. The only thing an ATAR determines is which course you might do. You might have your heart set on a dream course with a super high ATAR. If you want to shoot for that, go for it! Just know that if your number is lower, there are still ways to pursue it. You can take a gap year, travel, discover the world and find out who you are, uncover your passions, gain some experience. Do a TAFE course, start somewhere else, transfer. Defer it, reject it, volunteer somewhere, change your entire perspective on life, completely change directions. You still have the choice. Unis will often accept someone who didn’t get a first or second round offer initially as a mid-year enrolment, or you could do a semester or two somewhere else and then jump across and hopefully they’ll let you keep those credits under your belt. You may not even want to go to uni! There are many many options and paths you can take, don’t let a number limit or define your future.

Personally, I knew I wanted to further my education but wasn’t entirely set on any particular existing occupation. I knew my two favourite subjects were Psychology and Health and Human Development, but that I also enjoyed writing for English, so I could envision myself happily doing something that encompassed those things. For me, an Arts degree was the perfect choice because it allows you to dip your toes into many different areas of study, test the waters of various fields before arriving at a favourite – your major. The course I most had my heart set on had a pretty high entry score, one which I actually thought I had no possible chance of achieving, but I set it as my goal anyway because as I was so undecided, I didn’t want to ‘limit myself’ (typical Year 12 brain thinking). It worked out wonderfully for me, somehow I found the drive and ended up doing a lot better than I’d expected, really surprising myself (and probably everyone else) and guaranteeing a spot in the course. However, I wholeheartedly believe that had I not achieved the score I did, had I gone to a different university or course, or even taken some time off from studying, I would be just as happy. I would have found another way to continue learning, whether it be by sitting in a lecture theatre or travelling to see it myself. I could have enrolled in a different course, disappointed in myself and thinking it was only temporary, and ended up LOVING it. Maybe even more than this course! Who knows? These are the kinds of ‘what if’s and ‘maybe’s that make my brain want to explode. Being a human can be exhausting.

Whether you have a goal course you’re hoping to get entry for, a dream uni, hopes of studying abroad, a plan to defer for a year or no desire to study at all – but they’re all okay and all achievable! No matter what it is you want in life, there are ways to get there. Not just one, but limitless varying courses of action you can follow. One might be more direct, but it might also be more boring, or less challenging. It might grow you less as a person, or prevent you from meeting some really interesting people that another path will introduce you to.

Year 12 is an awesome time. It can be stressful, overwhelming, demanding, sleepless. It can invoke self-doubt, nostalgia, fear of plummeting into the depths of the unknown (your future) and leaving behind the safety and security of routine (your past). However, it can also be rewarding, exciting, bonding, enriching, growing and deliriously fun. I say delirious because there will definitely be times when you and your friends are so overcome with work and anxiety that you just have to laugh. Misery loves company and Year 12 is proof of that. Study dates are perfect for simultaneously motivating each other and collectively crying into the bowl of chocolate you just devoured. I’m probably not painting the best picture here, but seriously, it can be a terrific time.

If I could give you one piece of advice for entering VCE, it’s to maintain a balance. Balance in life is the key here, because otherwise you will either burn out from too much studying, fall behind from not enough, get sick from not taking care of yourself, or something else just as un-fun. When you’re studying, dedicate proportionate amounts of time or energy to subjects depending on their current level of significance. If possible, do assignments as soon as you get them, but prioritise the ones that are due first or worth the most. More importantly, ensure you have balance throughout your whole life, holistically. It’s just as important to take care of your mental, social and physical well-being as it is to reach your education goals. Make the time to keep active, even if it seems like there is none. I can’t even tell you how beneficial it is to get outside, clear your head and get your heart rate up. Endorphins are your best friend and a powerful stress-buster, so keep a pair of runners at the ready. If you’re not a fan of solo workouts, can’t stay motivated or simply don’t enjoy it, I highly recommend joining a team sport! In fact, I recommend this for everyone, because it’s beneficial to your mental, social and physical health. All at once. Plus there’s the accountability factor – you can’t just skip the workout or hit snooze when you don’t feel like it  - you made a commitment and your teammates are counting on you! Honestly being a part of a group like that will make you feel so needed or wanted, and it’s great to make new friends or connect with like-minded people. SPORT RULES. Taking care of your physical health also means nourishing your body with the right foods, getting enough sleep and drinking plenty of water – all the basics. Back to balance – it’s also essential to dedicate time to doing things just for you. Bubble baths are a great choice, there’s also reading, meditation, getting a massage or mani-pedi, having a movie night, seeing a friend, anything that makes you feel relaxed, happy and at peace. These are the things that keep you going! Imagine a pie chat, split into 3 sections. One section is school and schoolwork, one is health and fitness, and the last is dedicated to me-time or fun activities. The three sections represent mental, physical and social wellbeing = all equally important and necessary for not only success, but holistic health in general. If you’re feeling stressed out, look at which of the three sections might be out of balance. Are you not getting enough sleep? Have too much on your plate? Need some alone time? Not fuelling your brain and body with enough or the right nutrition? Try to keep these things in check and remind yourself that they’re all significant and deserving of your attention.

Most of all, know that VCE is completely unique to your own experience. Like karma, you will get out only what you put in. You can make it an easy time, just for socialising and blowing off class, you can dedicate 110% of yourself to studying every waking hour, never lose a mark and never see anyone else, OR you can have the best of both worlds and strike that beautiful, sweet balance.

Decide what your own goals are. Make your own rules. Ask yourself what motivates you, and then go after it. Use this time to challenge yourself, grow as a person and exceed any expectations, limitations or barriers that have been set by anyone – including and especially yourself. It’s an exciting time that you should definitely make the most of, because it will be over before you know it. I know it’s hard, but try to forget about ATARs, or at least diminish the all-mighty power and holy-grail presence that it can take. It’s just a number. If you try your best, that’s all you need to do. I have complete faith in you anon, 

YOU CAN DO IT :D