#I definitely need to write at least a short review of 'Last Night at the Telegraph Club' because oh my god it was so good

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

I finished Malinda Lo's novel Last Night at the Telegraph Club early this morning (before bed), and as I was trying to fall asleep afterward I was like, 'Oooooooh my god I really want to read more just-as-good-as-that-book-was historical fiction!!!' and as I was idly scrolling through the boards on Neopets just now I fucking noticed in someone's signature 'Recommended reading' and it was of a historical fiction book set in (or starting in, I guess?) El Salvador about Indigenous women!?!?!?!?!? I COULD NOT ASK FOR A BETTER REC (I hope - apparently it's not even out yet but MANNNNN I CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT!!), at least that almost perfectly aligns with my interests and what I like to read!?! Hello synchronicity, I LOVE YOU.

[yuseirra]

Ch 155 review:

woke up in the middle of the night and wrote ANOTHER huge bulk of a post, I'm having so much fun with this but maybe I should return to drawing persona fanarts again because I.. I'm pretty hopeless regarding mysteries but!! Here are my sincere thoughts about the latest chapter in more detail! I should really keep quiet till things clear up more. I believe so, but it's been really fun to hop into an ongoing series

This was originally written in a different language, then later translated through chatgpt. Chatgpt is so cool; ah I'm really sorry about what it does to the environment though; I won't use it a lot;

I hope to write quality content for those who love this work. That's how I feel. Haha. Well, I find it difficult to write forcefully, so at least I can say that I'm writing based on my affection. I'm not writing to get recognition(although it'd be nice).

Ah~~~.. Hahaha. For this episode's development, I realized how foolish I am because I forgot about Nino! But honestly, how was I supposed to know? That character, broadly speaking, might have contributed to Yura's death, but there was no indication that they did anything related to Goro's death. I don't watch many mystery shows, so when I made a plot guess last time, I dug a hole for myself in another post:

What I can't predict is what's going to happen next. There are too many variables and too much undisclosed information. As new information that hasn't been revealed yet comes to light, it makes it really hard to know.

Just like that.

The first emotion I felt after seeing the chapter was "?". What is this?? What are they trying to do?? And then, I felt really sorry for Ai. There's no sane person around. The person who definitely contributed to her death is her ardent fan (though I think even the term "fan" is too generous for that person). The suspected instigator is her ex-boyfriend or a colleague from the same group... there's really no one she can trust. Even though Ai hid many things and didn't show her true feelings and lied, it seems understandable, doesn't it?

I don't have any major speculations about Nino, but what I've understood is that the character "worships" Ai with some very twisted feelings. If there's a character who wants only the good sides of Ai to be shown to the world, it would be this one rather than Kamiki.

When I delve into analyzing the characters' emotions related to the story, I felt the part that needs explanation is Goro's death. Since Goro's death happened before Ai's death, the interpretation can vary greatly depending on whether it was intentional or just an accident. While many might focus on Yura's death, which is indeed very important, at least you could attach some psychotic criminal's delusional reason to it later. For the case of Goro's, however, it'd mean that there might have been someone other than Ryosuke already working against Ai behind the scenes before her death happened. Whether there were more people dissatisfied with Ai and her children other than Ryosuke is significant in determining how much it contributed to Ai's death.

I've been watching all along, but it didn't seem like Kamiki was involved in it, so I was confused. So, I think we need to sort out this part. This character doesn't seem to have much aversion to the fact that Ai had children, and there doesn't seem to be any reason for him to. From the moment he referred to Ruby as "indeed our child" in his first appearance, I got the feeling that this character recognizes the twins as something resulting from him and Ai, something between them, and doesn't view it so negatively. In that short sentence, there was a faint sense of affection. He doesn't seem to dislike being connected with Ai in one sentence, and the fact that there are children between them doesn't seem to be a bad thing from his perspective. You might think I'm overthinking based on one short sentence, but it's not just that; overall, his attitude when he actually appeared in front of the twins doesn't give any sense of dislike. The clincher was when he casually mentioned in chapter 153 that he has a father's heart. I thought, oh, this must be right.

Therefore, if Goro's death wasn't just an accident, I don't feel that this character would have any reason to harm Goro, who tried to protect Ai and their children and ensure their safe birth. (It could be explained as him being petty and harming Goro because he didn't like anyone else being close to Ai, but I think that's highly unlikely.) However, it still feels a bit off to think that Ryosuke acted alone to hide the body and everything else related to Goro's death.

If Nino were involved, it might make things clearer in this regard. But I don't know how insane Nino is (though She seems to be in very bad shape). I think there was some truth to the psychology of Nino that Kana portrayed...

B-Komachi, which was her and Ai's group, was going to perform at the dome, right? Which means Ai's career is shining even brighter even further. So what would this character gain by harming Ai at that point?

Ai did have a desire to reveal things about herself, though. Maybe this character wanted to stop her because he knew she wanted to expose things about herself and stop being the perfect idol worthy of worship?

From Kamiki's perspective, I think Ai revealing things about herself, especially if it was before the dome concert, might not have been such a bad thing. When the children were about four years old, he still wanted to get back together with her. If Ai had said, "I want to try liking someone, and I have children," then his career might have been ruined by the scandal but he might have been happy thinking, "Oh, Ai had feelings for me to that extent." She's THAT important to him, I believe.

But for Nino, it wouldn't have been the same, would it?

What keeps coming to my mind now is this lyric from Mephisto:

叶かなわないならばあなたになりたい

"If I can't make my wish come true, I want to become you."

Could it be that Nino wants to be like Ai, or even become Ai herself?

She's the one who's expressed her desire to be her (as portrayed by kana in ch 136)

Even if you view Mephisto's lyrics from Aqua's perspective, it doesn't seem like Aqua would say, "I want to become Ai." Of course, it's a powerful lyric expressing longing, so it resonates strongly emotionally. But their genders are different, their fields are somewhat different, and while Aqua seems to have a longing for the entertainment industry, he also tends to deny it.

Or it could be this: Seeing Nino's erased all the other members except herself and Ai in the poster, (she didn't erase her own existence) perhaps she might believe the one to be beside Ai is her and her alone? That might be how she thinks. :/

Adding one more suspect broadens the possibilities, but it seems like Akane and Aqua will explain everything on their own, so waiting might be safer. My guesses probably aren't going to be correct anyway.

What I can talk about more is Kamiki's reaction. Although it was a very quiet reaction, in some ways it was stronger than I expected because he accepted Ai's words completely. From his perspective, he was receiving a message he couldn't have imagined for fifteen years. There was no negative reaction like "No way, she's lying." He simply accepted, as in "I didn't know this," and remained silent.

In another post, I wrote my predictions for him like this:

If the songs are clues and there will be some kind of conflict in the future,

Just as Aqua has been doing things for Ai for years, this character might have been doing things too, and it's probably almost complete. His mindset is that as long as he accomplishes this, it doesn't matter what happens to him. He was planning to meet Aqua and see his daughter once before turning himself in.

But when he realizes that Ai, whom he truly loved, actually loved him back, he might feel like he's losing his mind.

There was a line he couldn't cross, thinking, "Okay, let's not do this," but now, having seen the video, he might cross it. Because he misses Ai so much and she's so precious to him, now he really wants to save the person he loves who also loved him (it seems like he's doing something to save her/see Ai again. Otherwise, the songs wouldn't be like this).

If he thought Ai didn't love him, his feelings (assuming he didn't intentionally kill her) would be guilt, obsession, and love-hate, so he wouldn't have any energy left. Because he has no attachment to himself, he'd have a resigned attitude like, "Alright, let's do this and die," and that's why he easily decided to turn himself in and show up in front of his children.

But if Ai loved him and actually wanted to be with him all along? Then if he was doing something for Ai, he wouldn't be able to give it up. So while he still has no attachment to himself, he might suddenly gain the energy for more extreme actions.

(I'm a bit disappointed that I couldn't accurately predict all the emotional reactions.)

Instead of "losing his mind," it seemed closer to sinking and submerging... It looks like he was someone who could have understood Ai well if only he had the right opportunity.

But I did get it right that he wants to do something for Ai.

Actually, the speculation I wrote above was a bit extreme, thinking that, since it's a manga, the development might be more intense. So, it was a scenario that I didn't really think would happen! Considering the character's personality, I thought he would suffer greatly. That's as far as I thought (with the current information revealed, I'm still withholding much judgment about this character).

But he seems so precarious. I'm worried he might be found dead somewhere... I'm still questioning whether he's someone worth worrying about,

But I don't think it's zero possibility that he'll end up being a very pitiable character.

He's saying he'll do something for Ai, but what could that be? He himself is determined, but Ai is already dead.

Even if Ai has become a star and is watching over him, would she want him to struggle? If he really killed her, she wouldn't want him to do anything invoking her name as a murderer. But if it's truly a misunderstanding, then she wouldn't want him to suffer anymore.

The video Ai left contained a message asking Aqua and the others to help this person, so I think the latter is more likely. Although the video was recorded a long time ago, this is a manga. The timing of when a message is revealed is important to the development. Since this story has come out in the final chapter, I think there might be a situation where the main characters end up helping him...

No but, if Aqua just let this person go, and if Kamiki turns out to be a murderer, that could be extremely irresponsible, right? Even if he let him go, shouldn't he have recorded the conversation and reported it? He should have recorded it and reported it, but maybe he couldn't report it because it happened when Kamiki was a minor? But wouldn't he have been around nineteen when the kids were about four? Is it something too ambiguous to report? Still, the next story that gets mentioned involves at least three deaths. How can he calmly, perhaps leisurely, discuss with Akane that Nino(and him) was involved in the deaths of three people? You never know what a criminal might do if they're cornered mentally.

He said he was going to do something for Ai. If that something is killing people, then it's dangerous for Aqua to just let him go. But since Aqua did let him go, it seems like he doesn't think that's the case.

So, the theory that he committed serial killings to ensure no one surpassed Ai is probably incorrect.

Additionally, there's no mention anywhere of serial killings actually happening, right? It could just be those three deaths. That doesn't mean he's not a murderer. If there had been serial killings of celebrities, it would have been mentioned in the story, right? There should have been some hints, like someone saying, "Hey, this actor who was doing well suddenly disappeared," but I don't recall anything like that. It would have been better if there had been at least some hints. Everyone naturally speculated that he might have committed serial killings to ensure no one surpassed Ai, and based on the way the scenes were portrayed, it did seem that way. But since it hasn't been mentioned so far, it could be that such events never happened.

The mention of bearing the weight of lives came up when the Uehara couple died. Kamiki was very distressed, saying, "Do I have to bear even that?" He seemed to be thinking that because of him, Ai died, and so did the Uehara couple, and now an actor has died too. He seems to be self-deprecating, thinking, "Yeah, someone else died because of someone like me." His way of speaking is really strange though... Is there a reason why he feels he needs to elevate the value of his own life?

When I saw the lyrics of "Fatal," I thought, "This is it," because it hints at "something that needs to be filled." What can fill the void? As the lyrics suggest, "a lack of Ai", it seems to be Ai. If you look at the song alone, it’s about wanting to revive someone he really wants to see, right? "Mephisto" is the same, and since it's a double hit, I thought, "Ah, then that's it. That's why he's moving."

あらゆる望のぞみの総すべてを叶かなえたら　ああ果はたせたら

"If all wishes are granted, if they come true,

あなたに会あいたい

I want to meet you.

星ほしに願ねがいをかけて

Wishing upon a star"

Anyway, stars are important. I noticed that stars appear quite often in the manga.

When I first heard "IDOL" and sometimes when I hear certain songs for the first time, I feel an overwhelming rush of emotions. It's a really amazing and exhilarating feeling.

However, if I listen to the song repeatedly, that emotion dulls, and I become less sensitive to it over time.

When I first heard "Fatal," I felt an immediate and intense sensation. It was as if someone was desperately searching and longing for something immensely significant. As soon as I felt that emotion, I instinctively thought, "This must be it," and it struck me so strongly that it became the reason I've been writing a lot lately.

The songs from Persona 3 were like that too. However, while Persona 3's songs had a warmth that supported the heart, a sense of resolve and determination, the songs from this manga feel like they are heavily spiced with MSG. The intensity of the emotions is incredibly fierce and strong. So, I often find myself wondering, "Is this okay? Is this okay?" But then I realize, yes, this is the kind of emotion being conveyed. It's raw but in a different way.

Considering the emotions that have been flowing so far, I felt strongly that Kamiki must be the one that's being depicted. Does anyone else feel similarly to me? Haha. So, I was just observing till that point, but then I couldn't help but dive in, thinking, "This has to be it."

These days, there are so many horrifying, disturbing, and distressing news stories, and it feels like the sentences given to offenders only add insult to injury for the victims(it's very short and light here). I hate it so much. I wish the term "dating violence" would disappear; it should be replaced with another term because that's not love.

So, while watching the developments in this manga, I feel like... I really don't want to empathize with or sympathize with the perpetrator, even in fiction. I understand that fiction can be separate from the reader's morals and I respect that, but when I think about the emotions between the characters in this manga, it doesn't feel like it's the same as those horrifying real-life cases. I really hope it's not. I'm not looking for it to not be like that on purpose; it's just that something feels off...

When watching the scenes with Ai's video, at first, my heart ached, but as time went on, I kept thinking, "Kamiki, you better get your act together." If this character has done things worthy of criticism, I absolutely don't intend to condone those actions even a bit, and I believe they should pay for their crimes!

But I think it's okay to wait and see for now? Am I really the type to get easily fooled? Haha. Still, I believe I have a good sense of understanding when it comes to emotions... I got Aqua and Kana right, and maybe that's why I got excited and gained momentum. It was exactly as I thought, for their case.

Well, we'll have to wait and see. I'm going to stay quiet for now. But if I'm going to draw fan art, I need to have a clear understanding of the emotions, which is important to me. If I can't predict what this character is feeling, I can't touch it.

Kana is really great in this regard. She's a character who doesn't need to overthink, so it's really comforting. While everyone else is complicated and holding secrets, leaving me to wonder "when the heck did you find out about that?" having new conversations among themselves, Kana is relatively easy to understand... what you see is what you get.

Or Ai, since she's shown almost everything (there's one video left), I might be able to do something with her too.

I liked the character Akane because of the profiling scenes. It didn't feel entirely like someone else's business because I do some degree of psychological analysis on the characters I handle. So that could maybe be why the range of characters I can manage isn't that wide depending on the genre. I usually focus on less than 5 characters and examine them REALLY deeply. The types I can understand and handle well are quite distinct for me. However, I want to dive deeply into the characters I do handle.

To create proper fan works, you need a lot of pieces of the puzzle. I might end up being off the mark, but I'm still doing it seriously when I make fan work!

I'm very happy when I hear good comments regarding such area :) I really want to do a good job. For now, I will stay on watch and see how things play out for now.

+

I thanked chatgpt :) :) aw they're nice (although they don't have feelings they've been helping me from rewriting things twice)

[kingsofeverything]

Annual* Writing Self-Evaluation

Last year, everyone was doing this as I was rushing to write one last fic before the new year. I’m not currently writing anything, so I figured I’d go ahead.

1. List of works published this year:

Ahead in the Count

Rode Hard and Put Away Wet

Truth or Drink

U-Pop Truck Stop

Ride My Sleigh Tonight

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Ride My Sleigh Tonight

Once I got past the feeling of omgggg this is terrible why did I ever think I could write anything, I felt like my normal writing self while working on it , and it was reassuring because writing has been nearly impossible this year

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Rode Hard and Put Away Wet

Idk why exactly but it’s definitely not my favorite. No offense if you love it 😘

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

I’m terrible at picking favorites of anything, but the last line here was the one I built U-Pop Truck Stop around:

“Harry, get a load of the sign in the shower,” Niall says with a loud chuckle that echoes off the tiled walls and floor. He pushes the shower room door open before it can shut all the way, and points at the black rectangle hanging on the shower wall, its white block letters spelling out:

ONLY ONE TRUCK DRIVER PER SHOWER

—MANAGEMENT

“See it?” Niall asks, still laughing.

“See it?” Harry grins, thinking back to that fateful night, and says, “I’m the reason they hung it up!”

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

Maggie @disgruntledkittenface and Molly @becomeawendybird both sent me voice messages about Ride My Sleigh Tonight and those are the top of the list for me 🩷

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Literally every single minute of 2023

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

All of Truth or Drink because I had the questions, but I didn’t have their backstory planned. It all just came out as I was writing and I really love that H and L

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I had to learn to let go of writing long fics and try to be satisfied with shorter stories. Idk if that’s growth though because tbh I’m not satisfied lol and I miss it so much

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

Next year I really hope to learn how to write in a way that satisfies my creative side, that produces longer works, but that takes more time. I need to figure out a way to write the length of fic I want to write, but spread it out and still keep that focus and inspiration going

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

It’s literally always Nic @louandhazaf because without him, I’d never have written a word, and without him, I still wouldn’t write. He’s the backbone of my writing and the best friend and beta I could ever hope for

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

I’m absolutely shocked to answer no to this because bits of my real life have always wormed their way into my fics, but I guess it’s because all my fics this year have been so short?

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Other than JUST WRITE and listen to @roseanddaggerpodcast I highly recommend titling your wip WORST VERSION OF whatever your title is because that helped me soooo much on Ride My Sleigh Tonight when I was struggling at the start. As soon as I put that in the doc title it was like magic. Every time I’d get in my head and think “oh this is horrible” or whatever or start thinking that my writing sucked or something, I’d see that title and think I CAN FIX IT LATER

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I actually have a wip where L and H got married really young and divorced really young (no kids or anything) but I’ve sort of abandoned it. Idk if I’ll get back to it.

I did have an idea for a xmas fic lol and if I do write it, I’m thinking of posting it like an advent fic but in July. So like xmas in July 🎄

In reality, I’m going to be so busy idk if I’ll be able to write at all, but I really just want to be inspired by an idea that won’t let go

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

@disgruntledkittenface @louandhazaf @allwaswell16

*All answers should be about works published in 2023

[jaybeefoxy]

Watched the Martin Shaw version of Dalgliesh the other night for the first time. UK TV Play has The Murder Room and Death in Holy Orders on demand. I have to say, I liked Martin's rendition of the character, but he's not as quietly contemplative as Bertie Carvel. He's studied, thoughtful, and shows the character's dedication to the pursuit of truth, but he's not as intimidating as Carvel manages to make his version. Somehow, the new version is much more like the original. I've stuck the rest of this review under the cut. I'd be interested in other folk's thoughts.

They messed with the Martin Shaw stories, but I can forgive it for the purposes of dramatising. I've not read the Murder Room yet so I can't compare it, but I've just finished Death in Holy Orders and was interested to see how it played out. They slightly changed the ending, probably to make it more dramatic, but I'm not sure they really needed to. They don't really seem to bring out the fact that Dalgliesh is a poet in Shaw's version. It seems to be used far more in the recent series.

I'm hoping they do Holy Orders for the new series because if they're sticking to canon, this is where P D James introduces Emma Lavenham. Not that I want to see Dalgliesh with a new love interest (because I definitely ship him with Carlys Peer's Miskin), but I'm interested from a literary pov to see what they do with it.

I was slightly confused, because they stuck Emma in Murder Room for Martin's series, which she isn't in Bertie's rendition. However, they filmed out of book sequence for the new one. Far as I can see Murder Room comes after Holy Orders, so the new series has ignored canon there.

However, I liked neither of the actresses who took Miskin's role in the Martin Shaw series. Tilly Blackwood played a version closer to the books in terms of looks, but I didn't feel sympathetic to her character's attitude. Victoria Scarborough took the role in Holy Orders, (so from a blond actress, they jump to one with short dark hair) and I found her too sharp-edged, despite perhaps being closer to the changes wrought in her by James' writing as the character grows.

I like Carlys Peer's rendition, despite it being the least like the books (not least of which because they didn't cast a white actress), but she brings out Miskin's relationship with Dalgliesh better, in my humble opinion.

Nor did I care for the rendition of Piers Tarrant either. In the Carvel version they've mashed up the (book) characters of Daniel Aaron and Piers Tarrant, so we seem to get Daniel Tarrant, played by Alastair Brammer. I feel he's a much better fit than William Beck who seems to be whinging all the time.

Personally, for series three, I would like to see them do Death in Holy Orders, The Lighthouse and The Private Patient. I think this would allow them to introduce Emma (even though I'd prefer an outcome with Kate Miskin, that's for fanfic realms, not television), and follow their relationship. Private Patient is the last one in the series, so it would allow them to tie this up to three series, unless a fourth is planned, in which case, they'll have to mess around with the timeline, which I hope they don’t do. The main problem I can see is that the last series was firmly rooted in the 70s and the last book brings us up to 2008. It's a big leap, and one I'm not sure will work. Roll on 2024.

[casualnepotism]

i needed to get this stupid au out of my head so i went to write a lil drabble and it SPIRALED and i had to do something with it so now it's here ANYWAY

no one look at this especially not bekah 🔫

The first time Nilos found Sunny in his bed was confusing. He was fresh off a twelve-hour stakeout in Bluestown, returning to a dark apartment and an empty fridge; even his bourbon had disappeared. The realization that he’d have to try and sleep while sober only exacerbated the pounding headache, so he’d dry-popped some ibuprofen and headed for his room.

Where, tie loose around his neck and hands raised to buttons, he realized that his bed didn’t normally breathe. The sparse jumble of bedding and pillows was normal- he couldn’t remember the last time he’d properly made the damn thing- but the way the pile was moving.. that was odd. Cog was thirteen now, she hadn’t slept in his bed in years. A soft smile slipped onto his face at the thought that she’d actually turned to him for comfort again, then he scowled at the idea that she’d needed comforting and he hadn’t been there.

Fuckin typical.

Softly, he crossed the room to pull back the blanket, and stopped: a splash of teal curls was splayed on his pillows, underlaying a single long, bronze ear. Well that certainly wasn’t his daughter. For a long moment, Nilos was still. Reviewing the facts:

His partner (in crime solving, he reminded himself) was asleep in his bed,

His partner had never been in his bed before (right? Or had she? Did this happen often?),

His partner was very much asleep and, likely, would continue to be for the next at least few hours (because gods forbid she learn to trance like a normal Elf).

Which left him with a few options:

Go sleep on the couch (horrible for his back, confusing for Cog in the morning),

Go sleep in the guest room (not his bed, equally confusing for Cog in the morning),

Wake Sunny up and kick her to one of those places (objectively the correct thing to do and yet it felt rude. She was technically a guest, after all),

Just get in the bed and sleep with her (ABSOLUTELY not, he could already feel the blush he’d get from her teasing).

He was still standing, staring blankly out the window, hand on Sunny’s shoulder, when he felt a gentle touch on his thigh. Eyebrows furrowing, he looked down. 

Sunny was looking up at him through dark lashes, eyes slowly blinking. Her finger didn’t move from where it was poked into his leg.

They stared at each other. Nilos could feel the silence of the room settling down on him as he tried to figure out what to say. And then-

She smiled. It was a soft and sleepy look, crinkling her whole face with contentment- even her hand relaxed from a poke to just gently holding the loose fabric of his slacks. “Hey, Bandit.”

He glared. He definitely hadn’t told himself to glare, hadn’t cared about the silly nickname in months, but he could still feel himself glaring. She smiled at him in response and for some reason his chest got tight. He took a deep breath. “Hey howdy. I’m back.”

Sunny’s fingers tightened momentarily on his pants. “Yeah. Have fun?”

“No.” It was a short answer to describe a bad, boring, completely normal night, but he was having a hard time concentrating. “Didn’t see anything, either.”

“Oh,” Sunny’s eyes had drifted from his, tracking downward and getting stuck somewhere around his neck. For another moment, silence reigned, long enough that Nilos had run through all the things he could’ve done in the past two minutes to upset her; any promise he'd made before he left that he’s left unfulfilled. He hadn’t even done any coke since he left, and fucking hell if he couldn’t feel it. His mouth opened to tell her just that and instead:

“You’re in my bed.”

Sunny’s head tilted gently to the side, an awkward movement that forced her to raise up onto an elbow. Obediently following the laws of physics, the blanket- Nilos’ hand a captive occupant- slipped from her shoulders to her ribs. His eyes traced the movement before snapping back to her face: her eyes had never left him, instead narrowing like they always did when she was trying to parse his jokes. “Yeah?” They stared at each other for a moment before his confusion must have become readable even to her, and she chuckled softly. “Right, sorry. Cog said it was fine.”

”Cog?” His daughter’s name was almost an exclamation, louder than he’d meant it to be, and Sunny’s hand had tightened instinctively. He raised his eyebrows in apology before continuing: “Why did Cog get a say?”

Her hand loosened its death grip, then released him entirely to give his leg an amused pat. Why he knew the pat was amused instead of annoyed was something he would have to investigate later. The hand settled again. Gentle, this time. Just resting. “Eh. Something about how the couch is gonna ruin my back.”

“We have a guest bed.” He blinked. “You sleep there. Often.”

“We both know that bed fuckin sucks. She was right that yours is way better.” Her face turned from general disdain at the thought of his guest bed (her bed, as he’d begun to think of it) to thoughtful, and her hand on his thigh turned from a gentle presence to steel as she anchored herself more solidly against him. Her other hand somewhat disdainfully ran over the other pillow on the bed. “This one’s shit for bedding, though.”

He had started, almost stumbling, at her grip, and allowed annoyance to crowd his tone. “Just because you like to sleep in a fucking nest doesn’t mean everyone does.”

“It’s not a nest, it’s just cozy.” She rolled her eyes at the familiar argument and gently squeezed his thigh. Her hand seemed to make it nearly all the way around his leg, a fact which he decidedly didn’t notice. Casually, as though it were normal, she patted the space beside her with her free hand. “You gonna sleep with, uh,” She paused, ran her eyes over him once again. “Like that?”

“What?” He blinked, lost for a moment. Of course he was going to sleep like this, he was exhausted. That’s normally how people slept. Blinked again. Oh. “No! No, uh. No, I was going to. Change.” He blinked again and willed the stupid blush he could feel to disappear.

For a long moment, neither of them moved: Nilos, half-leaning over the bed, his hand on the blanket over her ribs. Sunny, half-leaning up towards him, her hand wrapped gently around his thigh. He was pretty sure he should move: like he said, he had to change so that he could sleep. They could both ignore that “change” just meant taking off the button-down and pants before falling directly into the bed. Instead, they just stared at each other. Blinking.

“Right.” Sunny was decisive: Nilos usually liked that about her. When she released his leg, kicked off the blanket, and rolled off the bed to tower over him, he was conflicted about it. Nine inches didn’t feel like a lot on a measuring tape, but it felt like a mile to where she looked blankly down at him. She smiled, big and broad like always. “Right.”

“Right?” She nodded and he nodded back, confused.

“Right. You need to change. I,” Her hands flattened over her sports-bra covered chest. Or, he assumed they did: they normally did; he had maintained eye contact with the rapidly-disappearing imprint she’d left on his pillow. “I am going to. Go. For a run.”

“A run?”

“A run. Yep.” She made an aborted move to step back, mostly just rocking on her heels for a moment. “You need to change and go to sleep. I’m going for a run.”

“It’s five in the morning.” Oh good, his brain.

She nodded again, helpfully. “Yep. Nobody out.” Again, a backward heel-rock. The second time, it turned into a quick lean forward as she pressed a kiss into his hair. He blinked and she was at the door, already turning the handle as she grinned back at him. “Don’t worry. I’ll be back to drive Cog to school.”

And with a wink, she had gone.

Nilos stood, shirt partially unbuttoned, tie hanging loose, one hand gently rubbing the top of his head, and looked mindlessly between the door and the bed. Distantly, he heard the apartment door click open and shut. He blinked. It felt like Something had happened, but he couldn’t.. Tiredly, he dropped his tie to the ground and stumbled the few feet to face plant on his bed. It was warm. Warm, and smelled faintly of the cheap cigarettes Sunny preferred after a hard day. He groaned, burrowing into the blanket and shoving away the thoughts of Cog’s disappointed face when she found out he’d slept in his clothes again. 

He’d bring milkshakes when they picked her up from school, tomorrow, and she’d forgive him. Probably. It usually worked.

His dreams, when they came, were cozy.

[blahandwhatever]

So my mobile hotspot speeds have been throttled, and no workarounds have worked, so I’m living a slightly more cautious and limited online existence. It’s not as bad as it could’ve been - I remember getting my data speeds throttled years ago and the internet hardly being usable. It’s still usable now - quite normally, even, with text-based things like work and job hunting and writing here. Video is off-limits on the computer except for very short ones, and image-heavy pages take a while to load. Picture blog is slower but reasonably doable. For Tumblr browsing, the least annoying solution is connecting my phone to my computer via scrcpy with the browser in landscape mode and the sites in desktop mode. I’m learning some new things.

Work is still slow. I got my first project from my new job - a fairly small one with a surprisingly far-out deadline, though I intend to get it done this week. Have an interview tomorrow for the other job that doesn’t pay as much as I’d like. I’ll see if it’s worth taking on for a while, assuming I get an offer.

Studies have also been slow, and I’m doing more online surveys to hold me over until my next major one next week. I’ve expanded my reach to Survey Junkie and Ipsos iSay - both a little annoying, Survey Junkie especially in a number of ways, but it’s the best site I know of in terms of reward redemption, which is pretty much instant and available in bank transfer, PayPal transfer, and digital Visa gift card options (all of which can be ideal for me at times). 

I spent much Tuesday and Wednesday sucked into the survey vortex and feeling shitty, for reasons partly but not entirely related - there was definitely something physical going on lately that depleted my energy, possibly at least in part due to minor mold issues again. By last night, I started to feel more normal.

Today, I wanted to visit the botanic garden because I’d hoped to go this month and it was one of the month’s two free admission days. Unfortunately, there was still the $8 parking fee, and I had no money left after doing my groceries for the week. But I figured I could get a $10 Visa gift card to buy the parking online (bank’s account’s too deep in the negatives for surveys to do it much good). And that I did.

I woke up late and still tired and not sure I was in the mood, but it was a beautiful day, and I knew it would be good for me. But when I went to buy the parking online, I got an error saying they couldn’t process the card. I tried a different browser. I checked and made sure the addresses and everything aligned between the card and garden accounts. I called customer service, and they told me they couldn’t process gift cards (for ‘needs to be tied to an address’ reasons? though I put in my address in the gift card account). Nowhere did it say this on their site, and I’d always had gift cards work like normal credit/debit cards except in cases like gas stations or pay-over-time things where they need assurance that you have more money than what they’re currently charging you.

I was angry and I cried a tiny bit and I briefly gave up on my plans before deciding to take up some online reviewers on their recommendation to park elsewhere and walk to the garden. It might take a while, and eat into my garden time and energy, but it would probably be worth it, especially at no cost.

So I went - much later than planned, but I’d still have a solid couple of hours, and thankfully they’re lenient about the admission windows. First I thought about parking in one of the hotel or shopping center parking lots by Skokie Blvd, but I was paranoid about getting towed and decided instead on the other solution of the forest preserve parking a little past the garden. I feared it might be eerily secluded, especially coming back in the late evening, but it wasn’t too bad, and the walk was a pleasant enough one that only took me about 17 minutes - not the 30 one reviewer had said. A good solution indeed!

I got into the garden without a hitch. It was pretty crowded, as it can be in the areas near the entrance, and for a while I kept crossing paths with a loud and annoying group of teenage girls. But eventually the people dispersed, things quieted down, and I found the peace and joy I’d hoped for. I didn’t have time to traverse the place as thoroughly as I sometimes do, so, for the most part, I focused on the areas with the most flowers, and I found lots to love, and I took lots of pictures, and I even had a hummingbird hang around in front of me amidst some pretty flowers. I don’t know when the hell I’ll get caught up to the present day on my photo blog, but I look forward to going through these pictures someday.

And with this little evening outing, I got myself the best day I’d had in a while, coming home reinvigorated with the feeling of summer. As an added bonus, I got to spend my unused gift card on a few things I needed at home.

[cyanoscarlet]

Already half a year after residency,

but no, I still haven't graduated. Like I said.

I'm just finishing my research paper - already applied for ethics review and am hoping to hear from them soon so I can already start collecting data. I honestly took way too long to get to this point because my brain refuses to cooperate with me, with my many episodes of slumps and breakdowns in between. (Had a major one in February after our department accreditation. My obligations as chief resident having ended, my junior took over the post and I felt like a useless stump. That came way out of left field, I had to see my psychiatrist and they added another medication. So far so good I guess?)

One thing I noticed now that I turned 30 is that my productivity these days only comes in bursts of few hours at most and needs a highly specific type of environment to work. I hate having to go out and spend money at coffee shops just to get work done, but it's been the best way so far. I wasn't this bad during medical school—back then, I was able to concentrate on reviewing at home 1 month before the licensure exam. I really miss the days when I could study/work for long hours / late at night / at home / with moderate distractions / any combination thereof or all of the above. Basically I was more efficient then. Gotta live with what I currently have, though. (sighs)

At the very least I hope to be able to receive my diploma and final clearance from residency this year. Never mind the specialty board exam already, I probably won't make this year's cutoff. But I WILL start to study this year. Also get more regular clinic gigs—I'm not getting any younger yet I've barely saved anything because No, Medicine Isn't As Lucrative A Career As You Think. (Or maybe it's only like this in the PH. I dunno. But I suspect everyone who works in the health industry shares this sentiment to some degree because who in the high places actually cares about us, really?)

In other (happier) news I've been able to write a little again! Super grateful I got back into Juuni Kokki (Twelve Kingdoms) last May/June, then FF16 this July! My brainworms are starting to live again and I'm somewhat energized by the fan stuff I'm reading. Also was able to churn out some short fics so that's also a win. Am hoping to hit a more stable stride on this front once I'm done-ish with research so I can go back to finish some older works and find time to submit to anthologies/publications again. (The literary kind. I'm not hoping on anything on the academic/research front but it'd be a nice bonus, but I'm totally happy without it.)

Turns out 2023's still a year of uncertainty, but definitely less pressuring than residency. Being away from the hospital really helped. Having the time to decompress, to take my time on things, to slow down a little. Honestly it's selfish of me to wish this would last forever, but it can't. I have to move on to a more stable position in life, in my career after this. I guess we'll see what happens by then.

[havocskies]

OBSESSION | DANNY JOHNSON X READER PART 2

please please PLEASEEEE keep in mind this is a very old fic i started on quotev/wattpad and am now moving here. this is NINE MONTHS OLD i swear my writing has gotten better. part 1 and 2 have been done for a while and part 3 will be worked on. it's quality will be much better i swear. 

ೃ⁀➷ You have always been teased about being 'obsessed' with Jed Olsen, a well known journalist that often writes about this killer that has been named 'Ghostface.' While you're only interested in catching this killer and have never thought of yourself as obsessed, a certain killer going by the name Jed Olsen is.

TWs: gore, death, stalking, kidnapping, all that fun stuff. everything you should expect in a dead by daylight/scream fanfic 

part 1. part 2.

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

The golden sunshine of the morning seeps it's way through your curtains, prompting a groan from your lips. They're too thin, you'll have to get new ones soon. Speaking of which, you have to go to the store anyway. Pausing to give yourself enough time to glance around your room and begin to consider going back to sleep you hop out of your bed before you can dwell on the thought any longer. You rub your eyes with your fingers, standing in complete and utter silence for a short while.

     Last night. Oh, you had forgotten last night. You must have fell asleep at some point, at least after you put your laptop away, because it was sitting right on your desk. You don't remember putting it away, but it was pretty late at the time, it wouldn't be surprising if your brain didn't consider it important enough to remember it the next morning. Mumbling slightly panicked words to yourself you unplug the device and sit it on the bed, kneeling on the floor. As you open the document in which you had been writing in your breath hitches in your throat.

     It wasn't just some weird dream; the article was actually finished for you and it definitely wasn't your writing. Your shaky hand hovers hesitantly over the keys as you review your options. You could delete what Ghostface had written and pick up where you left off yourself, or you could leave it the way it is and submit it. Submitting it would give you some extra time today, and you could use it. An angry Ghostface showing up in your home because he found out you deleted his work wasn't really preferable, either.

     You sigh and send it to your boss. Ghostface must have edited it for you, too; there were no mistakes you could find. Carefully you shut your laptop closed as you look around your room the last time before putting the device away properly and tiredly stumbling out of your room. One odd thing you noticed, your house smelled a little different. This has always happened occasionally; like someone had sprayed perfume or cologne in your house. 

     It was always faint, though, like it was worn and eventually drifted from the person and into the air. You didn't wear perfume nor cologne that smelled similar, so you always just assumed you were imagining it or it was just one of those odd things. Perhaps it was a smell from outside, you did occasionally leave a window open for fresh air when you felt you needed it. Trudging away through the hall you make your way to your kitchen, preparing yourself to make the most appetizing breakfast imaginable, like you deserve.

     Opening the fridge you grab yogurt. There, breakfast. It was much too early to make anything big and you didn't really care anyway, so why waste time you can be using some other way? Grabbing a spoon from the drawer and carefully opening the container you bring a spoonful of yogurt to your mouth. The spoon was cold against your fingers, practically freezing according to your exhausted mind. As you leaned against the counter your eyes just happen to linger on the kitchen window long enough to realize it's open again and shouldn't be.

     You can't help but ponder. Hadn't you heard him close the window last night? Of course, you had thought you left your laptop open but found it put away. It appears you forgot a lot of details from last night, other than being threatened and attacked, if you can call it that. With a shrug you continue eating. You're far from calm, in fact you seem even more nervous than before, but you don't feel like jumping to conclusions so easily and so early in the morning.

     A list of everything you have to do today jumps into your mind. Call the cops, obviously. The killer was likely long gone but you couldn't help but hope he might've left something behind by accident that could get him caught. You were planning on going to the store today, but perhaps you deserved a day off after last night. Maybe a trip to the park would be nice, plenty of people there but none of them would be likely to bother you. Alright, the park it is, then. Later.

     Opening the fridge to gently set the leftover yogurt inside and not so gently throwing the fork into the sink you walk out of your kitchen with a sigh. You practically fall onto your couch, the cushions holding your body up as you open your phone and dial 911. You highly doubt they'll do anything, maybe tell you to lock your doors and windows from now on, but it was always worth a shot. A thought occurs. You haven't been upset about the situation this morning at all. Maybe it was because he was likely gone now and had assured you he wouldn't kill you, or you were too tired, but he could always lie, couldn't he?

     A voice interrupts your thoughts.

     "911, what's your emergency?"

     Regaining your focus, you stumble over your words just a little. "Hi, yes, uh - someone broke into my house last night - wearing the ghostface outfit, the one that's been on the news. He called me just before he did, i think, but he didn't hurt me at all. Is there still anything you could do? It was at about 1 am - I fell asleep about right after he left, i think."

     "Is he still in your home right now, do you know?"

     "No - well, I don't think so. He left through the window he came in, I think."

     "If he left, I'm afraid there isn't much. The police are focusing on who he has hurt right now, and if you aren't in any sort of danger I don't think there are any officers we can spare, I'm sorry."

      The operator, while refusing to help, did have a pretty decent reason, you thought, and wasn't rude about it. 

     "I understand completely, thank you. I'll uh - just be more careful this time, I guess." Despite you being completely free of worry the entire morning you can feel that falter. Their words genuinely concerned you. Until he actually decided to hurt you, they'd do nothing. How many times will he appear? What happens when he gets bored and does decide to kill you? With great despair you hang up the call. You were going to die. 

     Hands shaking, you slowly stand and make your way to your room. You wish you hadn't of called the police, then you probably wouldn't have made the realization you were going to die. If you were to die you wish you could've been blissfully unaware for the remainder of your life, however short it may be. He could wait weeks, maybe even years, before he decided you weren't worth the risk of keeping alive.

     You stand in front of your closet, pushing your thoughts away. Grabbing an outfit, you quickly change and begin to walk through your house and towards the front door, grabbing your keys on the way out. As you moved fairly quickly the metals swung on the keychain, creating a lovely sound. You would have enjoyed it if it weren't for the thought of death constantly lingering in your mind. Oh, you were beginning to go mad.

     Maybe that's what he wanted, to scare you and shatter your mind completely. Maybe he was watching you now, giggling to himself at your panicked state. The cold wind hit your face, brushing against your s/c skin and forcing a shiver to control your body momentarily. You had forgotten a jacket. Huffing with great frustration you continue your walk to the park. You would've taken your car happily but you wanted an excuse to stay outside of your house for as long as you possibly could.

     He couldn't hurt you if you're in public. You make a mental note to keep it that way. If no one is in site, go into a shop or whatever is nearby. You can't afford to be alone. You can practically feel him watching you right now, glancing around frantically as you rub your hands against your chilled arms.

     You can see the park entrance now. It's a decent walk away, but at least you can see it. You quicken your pace, unable to shake off the feeling of being watched. A few times you had glanced around to see if anyone was watching you but there were multiple people walking; there was no way to be sure of who was watching you and who wasn't. Worry etched onto your features, you subconsciously walk a little faster.

     You tried to act normal like everyone else around you was: normal people, but every once in a while something will catch your eye, appearing similarly to a famous murderer in your town, only to be a trashcan in the corner of your eye. You almost felt guilty being so paranoid after he'd done absolutely nothing. Absolutely terrify you, yes, but he hadn't hurt you or anyone you loved. You couldn't imagine how victims' families felt. A small smile creeps it's way onto your lips, the first smile since yesterday, you suppose.

     Here was the park. No one was going to die in the park, too many people around. Despite it being somewhat cold it was the warmest it'd likely be this fall, therefore everyone and their kids were taking the chance of being outside like some hungry seagulls fighting over a french fry. Everyone looked so happy here, so carefree. Perhaps going to the store could wait, you wanted to enjoy whatever short moments of happiness you could manage over the swelling paranoia you were experiencing.

     Childishly, you take your time to crush the leaves beneath your shoes, the crunching filling your ears being much more delightful than his voice. No, stop, stop. Stop thinking about him. You won't be able to enjoy your day if you continue thinking about a killer who didn't even kill you. Still, you can't help but wonder. Why hadn't he killed you? Did he find you interesting? No, of course not. He's probably just bored of stalking and stabbing and repeating. You would be too, if that's all you did all day for, how long has it been now? A month or so?

     Your thoughts scatter as you bump into something - no, someone. They leave you fumbling over each of them as you struggle to keep yourself upright. Thankfully, you think, the man you bumped into grabbed each of your arms on either side of you to keep you steady, allowing you to regain your balance. His hands remain for just a few seconds before he's positive you won't topple over and fall into him again, eventually returning to his own sides.

     "Are you okay? I wasn't paying attention, I'm sorry-"

     "Oh! No, no, it wasn't your fault! I've just been thinking, a lot on my mind, y'know? Not your fault, I'm so sorry." Similar to your thoughts, you fumble with your words, struggling to find the ones that you feel fit best. You lose them completely, however, when you finally process who's standing in front of you - and who you have just bumped into. 

     Jed Olsen.

     "Oh, well - you're okay, right? I still want to apologize, I should have been paying attention as well." He offered a small half smile, his eyes darting towards the sidewalk for a minute as though he were nervous. The sight baffled you. You had looked up to this man's writing ever since you had gotten your job and here he was, in front of you, nervous.

     Honestly, now that you really look at him, he didn't seem very nervous at all. He seemed as though nothing bothered him, that he had nothing to worry about. You must've misread it, he definitely wasn't nervous. Realizing you were standing in silence awkwardly upon noticing a his eyebrow move upwards just a hair, you take a step back, raising your hands in awkward movements to apologize.

     "I'm sorry- I just thought I recognized you. Jed Olsen - you just look exactly like him, is all." You wouldn't be caught, ever, assuming someone is someone they're not. What if he's not Jed Olsen and you've just promptly stared awkwardly at some random man you accidentally bumped into at the park.

     "Huh. Well I'd hope so, that's my name." With that he smiled, his eyes holding a look that you'd trust with your life. He offered a hand for you to shake and you took it, perhaps a little too hesitantly, and shook his hand. 

     "Well, then, I guess I was right." you giggle, too awkwardly for your liking, but what were you supposed to do? He was a normal human being just like you, he deserved to be treated as such.

     "I guess so. Hey, you looked like something was bothering you, are you okay? I hope that's not a weird thing to ask, but I can't help but be a little worried. Now, if i'm crossing a boundary let me know, no hard feelings." Jed's smile faltered, switching into a more serious one. 

     "Oh, not at all! I mean you're not bothering me. Something just uh - happened last night with that killer that's been around. Ghostface, I think they called him. He didn't hurt me at all but i've been worried about it since. The police can't do anything about it, so y'know." you try to make it seem as though it's not a big deal, wearing a smile on your face and a light giggle with your voice. Jed, however, seems to be much more concerned.

     "Ghostface? I know this might sound insensitive, but could you tell me more about it? I've been trying to figure out what he's been up to, to tell the police and whatnot. Here, let's go somewhere else so no one who doesn't need to hear hears about it." He gestures to a place outside of the park more hidden from everyone else. You would've declined but the look he gave you held such importance that you agreed.

     "Yeah, that makes sense. I can't take too long, though. I do need to get to the store at some point." you smile, following him as soon as he offers one in return. The walk was silent, but more of a comfortable silence. It wasn't awkward like you would've expected it to be. You're talking to Jed Olsen, someone you've always looked up to and admired, and somehow he's made you feel instantly comfortable around him.

     You reach the area in no time at all. Granted, the alleyway was a little dark and the dumpster was filling your nostrils with smells you would've preferred to avoid, but you knew this was serious. Ghostface needed to be caught, and this could be your chance to help at catching him. No, this was your chance at catching him.

​​​​​​​     You turn towards Jed after looking around momentarily but instead of the charismatic grin he had been wearing you were now met with one much more sinister. Before you could even react your head collided with the wall, your vision blurring and your head pounding before black found it's way into your vision, your last sight being a proud and certainly unnerving glimmer in Jed Olsen's eyes.

[erwinsvow]

𝐚𝐨𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐰𝐨

note: part two to the college headcanons! part one can be found here! i had a lot of fun writing these and i hope everyone enjoys them :) teacher/student dynamic warning for zeke and hange's, and i guess bullying for annie's :/

𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐜𝐨 𝐠𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐝

the very definition of kind-hearted frat boy who doesn’t fit the stereotype he’s been assigned at all

starts off with accounting before realizing he hates math, moves into business management and marketing

the linkedin profile is absolutely popping, 500+ connections and details about every club and organization he’s ever been a part of

the friend that helps everyone find internships and fixes their resumes while offering helpful advice and not being condescending… anyways so that’s how you meet porco

he works at the career center 100% and does various coaching/prep help, and you, pieck’s friend, are in desperate need of an internship

so you’re complaining to your friend as usual, when she tells you to stop by the building and ask for a “pock”

so you do just that, walking in and asking for “pock” and porco is a little stunned by this pretty stranger calling him by a nickname reserved for his close friends, and even then he just barely tolerates it

but he doesn’t want to correct you, especially since you’re being so sweet and he can tell you need some help

so a meeting at the career center slowly turns into facetime calls to review applications and last-minute edits, stopping by your dorm to help you fill out paperwork and walking together to mail it out

i have a feeling porco doesn’t wanna be too forward, and he thinks he’s being very aloof and casual, when he really just seems oblivious

and you cannot tell for the life of you if he likes you or he’s just being friendly since you’re close with pieck

finally after you land the internship and won't have your normal excuse to spend time with him, you get the guts you've been searching for

you tell him about the position later in the day, stopping by the center for hopefully the last time

"by the way, my number's on my resume if you're ever gonna ask me out."

leaves pocky-boy flustered and red and scrambling to ask you out, and you have been happily dating since

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫

oh boy

conny is a very typical college kid in the sense that he will sleep through every 8 am class he has, blow off class to go wait in line for the nacho bar, and has adopted the mantra ‘c’s get degrees’

but he is an extremely lovable education major with a focus in history

rarely seen without his shadow sasha, but now that she started dating niccolo, she thinks that conny could use a relationship too, and that it might do him some good to be with a funny, down-to-earth person

thus begins the most grueling two weeks for every girl on campus, as sasha hunts down girls that she thinks would be a good match for her best friend

this includes airdropping a photo of conny to the lecture hall with the caption “would you date this man? serious inquiries only”

creates a fake tinder complete with a google form to narrow down the options

however, none of this is necessary because sasha bumps into you in the smoothie line and causes your triple berry blend to go flying

she helps you clean up and idle conversation leads to you talking about dates and so forth

“well, i’d love to set you up with my best friend? how do you feel about a blind date?”

yes, conny met you, the love of his life, on a blind date set up by sasha with a stranger

it’s one of those funny stories that people don’t believe when you tell them, because how ridiculous is that, but you both think it’s perfect since you get along so well and it made all the waiting worth it

bonus: double dates with sasha and niccolo! fondue night at their apartment, going to the arcade and having to lug up sasha and her food baby while niccolo parks the car, just overall a grand time :)

𝐳𝐞𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫

zeke yeager, ph.d. started his new job at university with one rule in mind: absolutely no illicit affairs

he also coaches the club baseball team, because why not get involved on your campus

he really believes that he’s gonna stick with it too, despite the overwhelming number of students who come to his office hours with questions that his less handsome teaching assistants could answer

but no, he doesn’t want to earn a reputation as that professor, and so he heads into the new semester with absolutely no lingering thoughts of an exciting little dalliance to get him through the monotonous days

he knows his huge lecture classes would always come with a few pretty students, but it’s the smaller, upper-level psych class he’s teaching when he meets you for the first time

zeke has you all figured out, or so he thinks. sitting in the front row, raising your hand for questions he wasn’t expecting anyone to actually have an answer to, neatly handwritten notes in a color-coded notebook. he wouldn’t peg you for the type to jump and take the risk by starting a relationship with a professor.

but he soon realizes that he didn’t have you as figured out as he thought he did.

you avoid the gaggle of freshmen during office hours by scheduling meetings instead, sometimes right before class, coming to him with two cups of coffee and a wide smile that actually had him fooled into thinking you were here for academic reasons

this facade quickly fades though, because after a semester of interactions with you and getting more and more comfortable with each other, to the point where coffee orders are memorized and it’s zeke rather than professor yeager, you’ve had just about enough

he knows he’s fucked when you come visit him at practice for the baseball team, bringing him a drink and engaging in conversation while the players watch their coach flirt with you

he’s especially fucked when he realizes he’s looking forward to practice just because there’s a chance you’ll stop by on your way to your next class

you submit your final paper early, nearly a week before it’s due and of course the first in the class to do so, and waltz into his office the next day with another steaming cup of his favorite drink

“you submitted your paper pretty early, you know.”

“i know. i also know that it means i’m not your student anymore, so if you were going to make a move, now’s the time.”

no, he definitely had underestimated how much he knew about you.

𝐦𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐬𝐚 𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧

mikasa is a forensic sciences major and is still debating on the minor- she’s torn between criminal justice or history like armin.

she loves her major classes, but she just wants something else interesting to look forward to as well, so armin suggests sitting in on a couple classes early in the semester and getting a taste for it.

so you don’t really think twice when she claims the empty seat next to you on the first day of classes, smiling politely and paying attention to the professor. you do notice, however, that she’s not writing anything down or looking at the syllabus, leading you to strike a conversation on why that is.

she explains herself and then before you even know it, the lecture ends and you spent the last forty minutes talking to mikasa about anything and everything.

she’s sitting in on another class tomorrow, and absent mindedly invites you to come along, to which you agree all too quickly, because why wouldn’t you

numbers are exchanged, times are fixed, and mikasa leaves wondering why she’s so excited at the idea of sitting with you in class again.

you two hate the history class she had chosen, with the professor droning on and on and you being focused entirely on the conversation you’re having with mikasa

until the professor kicks the two of you out for not shutting up, that is

you’re both laughing hysterically once you reach the hallway

“i’m gonna have to discourage you from doing that history minor if that’s what all the classes are like.”

“well, i have to do criminal justice so we can have that class together, anyways.”

𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐭

true to form, annie goes into one of the most difficult majors: cheg. definitely flies through intro courses with straight As and minimal effort, but that’s also mostly because all she and bertholdt do is study

reiner tries his hardest to get her to go to a party every once in a while, but usually to no avail because she always has an exam to study for

you’re a tutor, and honestly, you’d say you were pretty good at your job. you can answer questions and explain reasonings fairly well to confused students. but when annie comes to your office hours with some complicated problems and she’s asking for explanations that you just don’t have, you literally feel your face burn with heat for the entirety of the time she’s there

long story short, your first encounter is embarrassing, to say the least. you’re stumbling over words as you try to look through your old notes and piece together an answer for annie, who you cannot even look in the eyes.

anyways, she leaves eventually and you want a hole to open in the ground and swallow you up, but at least she won’t be back next week, right?

wrong.

miss leonhart doesn’t know how to express her feelings any better than you, so her way of flirting is spending time with you in the tutor center as you fail to answer her questions time and time again

you want to scream at her to stop coming because she and you both know you’re not helping either of you with this

but also you really don’t want her to stop coming because you don’t have any other ways to see her outside of class

both of you reach your wit’s end on the same day, her coming to you with the absolute easiest problems she could find in the textbook, and you with every intention of asking her out to dinner

she opens her book, and you reach and close it quickly

“unless this is the only way you know how to flirt, something has to change now.”

𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐳𝐨𝐞

dr. zoë teaches, just, way too many classes

we’re talking multiple chemistry labs and upper-level research courses as well

you’re just a ph.d. student doing rotations as per usual, and you’ve heard the comments from students senior to you about dr. zoë, who makes every student in rotation say hange instead of the formal way you’re used to

you’ve heard everything from crazy to genius and everything in between

what you weren’t expecting was… so good looking, and young? and comforting? and talking about all the things that you didn’t have the guts to bring up with other people, like how you always feel a little left out in the field and that you think no one cares about your research interests that much—a lot of stuff that you find yourself pouring out to hange on your very first day in the lab

you’re wondering why it’s so easy to talk to them, and why none of the other rotations ever felt this comfortable

and then you realize you’re spilling your guts to someone who probably doesn’t even care, and has way more to deal with on their plate than a ph.d. student with imposter syndrome

so you’re apologizing right after you’ve finished, when you’re met with the warmest look and a reassuring hand on your shoulder

it’s so easy to fall after that, with weekly meetings and regular check-ins, and you know it’s wrong to have this strange crush on your superior, but hange really feels like the one person you can count on here

you hide the crush in favor of getting the mentorship you desperately think you need, but it’s not long until you’re onto the next rotation and the next lab’s work is even closer to the stuff you love

you hate the way you feel, that you’re not gonna have any reason to keep in touch and you never even got to explain how you feel about them—and that you didn’t even get to experience hange’s energy because she was always listening and helping you out

it’s not until you get a text the night before your first day in the new lab from hange, filled with reassuring words and asking for a coffee date later in the week to talk about how it goes, that you realize just how well hange understood you

𝐩𝐢𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫

last but not least, miss pieck is double majoring in french and public health

absolutely obsessed with her majors and loves the subjects, but works herself to death to keep up with it all

you don’t even realize that the pretty, studious girl you’re seeing in the library all the time is the same girl you spot with some of your friends from class

pieck is as oblivious as they come. you invite her on study dates after you two are introduced by reiner, invite her to get coffee after a particularly late night of studying, pretty much start spending most of your days together

you can’t help but be disappointed that pieck doesn’t see you in that way, because you’ve slowly been falling head over heels, but you accept that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, and you still love the friendship you two have

it takes a while for things to click for pieck, but they do right as the semester eases up

once exams are over, you two decide to go to these famous parties porco and reiner never stop talking about

it’s not the usual scene you’re comfortable with, but what’s wrong with letting loose a little, especially after midterms? no harm in having fun, right?

wrong again! you definitely get plastered way too quickly, and eventually pieck takes you to a room to settle down

drunk confessions of love aren’t usually the way to go, but you can’t help but reveal everything you’ve been feeling for the last few months when pieck is taking care of you in your current state

you definitely wake up hungover and ignorant to last night’s shenanigans, but you’re in your dorm, with a bottle of water and ibuprofen on the nightstand, phone plugged in and shoes off

pieck comes back with breakfast, coffee and your favorite pastries, and checks up on you

“so.. about last night..”

“i’m so sorry, did i throw up on you?”

“no, but you did say you were in love with me. was that just a drunk thing, or is it a sober thing too? because i think i’m in love with you too.”

[hlizr50]

The Raven and the Songbird

Chapter 1

Read on AO3

The warmth of the sun wasn’t unwelcome. Azriel was the angel of death, wreathed in tendrils of darkness and mystery, but the summer sun was a balm to him. The light glittering off the stone of the training ring – the need to shield his eyes from the brightness – was a reminder that the Hewn City wasn’t his home, not his life. The light was a breath that whispered of life and potential.

He crossed his arms as he observed Cassian – brother in all senses of the word, save by birth. The sheen of sweat shimmered on his bare back as he paced around the ring observing the trainees, offering corrections verbally. And if that didn’t fix the errors he would ask permission to show them, to physically move their bodies to make the adjustment. That simple question was the reason so many more of the priestesses had chosen to join them in recent months.

Azriel scowled.

It was fucking disgusting that something so simple as consent was considered such a grand gesture. But it was a courtesy that hadn’t been granted to many of the females here.

It hadn’t been granted to her.

Gwyn.

His shadows danced over his shoulders at the mere thought of her. He needed to get that under control.

He had let his gaze slide to the priestess – the Valkyrie – too many times already. She glowed in the sunlight, even without the perspiration now dampening her face. It had reddened with her effort, but also from the many days they’d spent baking in the summer heat. The color suited her.

No matter how hard he tried, especially in the past two weeks, his attention always turned to her. She moved with such grace, her long legs strong and swift. The leathers fit her differently than they had a year ago – her body had changed. Lean cords of muscle had developed where nothing had been before. She had never been frail – he would ever use a word like that to describe her – but now she was…

Cauldron.

The Spymaster shook his head, willing his writhing shadows not to follow the dangerous path of his musings. He should not desire her. He didn’t deserve that bright spark that had begun to illuminate the male underneath the death and terror. He didn’t deserve her for the simple fact that death and terror and nightmares were what he was. But there was also the unspoken thing between them. The thing he’d done. The reason for the tension these past days and the reason he kept all of his leathers on under the blazing summer sun, relishing in the distraction of his discomfort.

Her eyes still haunted him.

The hurt that had dimmed Gwyn’s bright ocean gaze had nearly brought him to his knees.

Azriel hadn’t been party to the conversation, and he didn’t know how it had come about that Gwyn and Elain were both in the library, in the House, at the same time, in close enough proximity for Elain to notice the delicate necklace that hung from the priestess’ long, regal neck.

All of the satisfaction he had felt whenever he saw that gold chain tucked under her leathers or when she idly twisted the pendant in her fingers when she was reading… it disappeared when she had stormed through the dining room, desperate for the door, stopping short when she saw him there. His heart had cracked when he looked up at her.

Those beautiful eyes of hers, wide and glossy, swimming with hurt and anger. And embarrassment, further painted by her flushed cheeks, neck, further down. And still she had held that flower in her fingers, as if she couldn’t bear to let it go.

He didn’t get the time to register what must have happened. She scurried out the door, leaving a lingering breeze that smelled of water lilies and the salt of her tears.

The report he’d been reviewing slipped from his fingers and he made to go after her.

“Don’t you dare.”

It had been a long while since Azriel had felt intimidated, but Nesta’s voice had sounded to him much like he imagined his did when he was deep in the caverns of the Hewn City, pulling information from unwilling sources.

Cold. Measured.

Deadly.

Nesta’s eyes had all but glowed silver with her ire, even with her reduced power.

“What exactly were you trying to accomplish by giving Gwyn that necklace, Azriel?”

All he had done was stare back at her, unable to find his voice.

“Did you think she wouldn’t find out? Did you think about how it would make her feel when she did? That the treasure she hasn’t taken off for half a year wasn’t meant for her? That she was the afterthought when you couldn’t pursue the one you truly wanted?”

Nesta’s sharp words had opened a crater inside of him. That hadn’t been his intention, not in the slightest.

“That wasn’t my aim at all,” he had murmured. “I… would never want to do that.”

“Well that’s what happened, intentions be damned. Cauldron, Az, I know you didn’t want to hurt her. How could you be so fucking stupid?”

Nesta had left him then.

And he hadn’t spoken to Gwyn since that day, either.

But he still spied that thin gold chain around her neck.

Teal eyes snagged his gaze for a fleeting moment and a grin lifted her pink cheeks. Azriel only nodded and forced his attention elsewhere.

He had been avoiding her. It shamed him to admit it, shamed him even more to see her smile at him just like she had before. He had avoided her at night, as well. If he heard her in the training ring on those nights when darkness chased them both out of their beds he would retreat back into the house and go elsewhere. After all, he had other places he could go to work out some pain and aggression. He would not force Gwyn to relinquish the one safe space she had away from the Library.

He missed her, missed those nights where they understood each other without speaking, but bantered anyway. He missed sparring to the point of exhaustion so they could both find the rest they so desperately needed. He missed the nights where they didn’t train at all… when Gwyn just needed to breathe in the air and settle her mind and let the moonlit breeze dry her tears. Those nights she allowed him to just exist with her, silently support her. She’d trusted him enough to be there in those moments, to let him see beyond the vivacious young priestess with the irreverent humor and easy smile. She’d trusted him enough to let him see his darkness mirrored in her own.

He couldn’t imagine she would trust him with that now.

“Alright, ladies, that’s all for today.” Cassian’s voice broke him out of his reverie. “Take time to stretch and cool down. And hydrate. You’ve all been doing a lot of work out in this heat.” The training ring descended into female chatter and the sounds of clattering weapons being put away as the trainees were dismissed. Azriel saw the glint in his brother’s eyes and steeled himself as the general stalked up to him.

“You know, when I asked you to help with the Valkyries last year the expectation was that you actually train them, not do everything within your power to avoid a certain red-headed priestess.”

“I don’t know what –“

“Are you really going to try to lie to me, brother?” Cassian interrupted his automatic denial. “I can smell the tension on you. And you haven’t corrected anything she’s done in two weeks.”

“Maybe she doesn’t need it,” the shadowsinger ground out.

“Maybe she doesn’t, but that never stopped you before.” The Illyrian general gave him a wry smile and a wink. Azriel stared back at him, unamused at the insinuation – and the truth of it. His friend pursed his lips, the playful gleam in his eyes replaced with a softness that others wouldn’t match with the muscled male, the definition of a warrior. “You should just talk to her, Az. She’s not going to run away.”

“She should.”

“Az –“

“You didn’t see the look in her eyes that day, Cassian.” His voice was bitter and shredded as he returned his attention to Gwyn. Her smile gleamed as she laughed with Nesta and Emerie, copper locks riding the breeze. He felt Cassian’s broad hand fall on his shoulder.

“Brother.” Azriel turned back to him. “I may not have. But I know you, and I know Gwyn. So do you. She cares about her friends, and you are counted among them, at the very least.”

The Spymaster took a deep breath. Perhaps his brother was right.

“Nesta is worried about her,” Cassian murmured. “Says she’s happy but something is off. I can’t really tell, but I know better than to doubt her intuition.” The hand on Azriel’s shoulder squeezed once, then the general left him alone with his thoughts.

What could he say? How could he explain what he’d been thinking when he gave Clotho that necklace and asked her to give it to Gwyn? He had just wanted to make her smile without overwhelming her with his attention. Had she really never taken it off? And why was she still wearing it now?

Had he truly made her feel like an afterthought? Something second best? That guilt made his lungs burn as if he’d inhaled acid.

His thoughts were muddled as he surveyed the emptied training space. He could stand to work out the tension that had built over the training session, so he stepped in the direction of the small basket with long ribbons of material. The least he could do was wrap his hands before punching the padded wooden post into oblivion. At least he had that much sense.

His shadows whirled around him as the painfully familiar voice pierced the midday heat.

“So, are you ever going to speak to me again?”

Tag List: @tealnymph-writes @trashforazriel @secretlovelybeauty @meher-sumedha @imsointobooks @flora-shadowshine @positivewitch

[atlafan]

Part One - “Call me Jane.”

a/n: here’s part one of nanny!H, I’m very excited about this series. I’m not sure how many parts it’s going to be, so please don’t ask lmao. Once I know how many parts it’ll be, I’ll make a master post for it. I’m just too excited not at least share the first part because Harry is just too cute in this! Feedback and reblogs are super helpful, and keep me motivated, especially when it comes to writing series. (not proofread) You can support me here if you’re able!

Warnings: none...for now

Words: 4.1K

Pairing: Harry x OC (Jane Watson)

Master Post

Harry found himself in a real bind. He was twenty-six years old, had an early childhood education degree, and the daycare he worked at was going under. He had just been promoted a month prior too, how could things go wrong so quickly? Times like this he really hated that he stayed in the states. Childcare services weren’t nearly as fucked up back home. His dream was to save up enough money to open up his own pre-school at some point, but it was really tough.

There was this weird stigma that if adult men wanted to work with babies and toddlers then that made them a pedophile or something of the sort. That wasn’t the case with Harry. His minor in school was psychology because cognitive development intrigued him. He also loved babies and little ones. He loved watching them learn and discover.

Only now, he was without a job in an already struggling field. He and the other employees weren’t exactly given a big notice before they were told the business was going under. Harry mostly felt bad for the parents of the kids that had to find new child care centers. He knew he’d have to compete with his co-workers for any available jobs, and he knew they were bound to find places before him because they were women. It was their fault, and he knew it. He was experiencing a prejudice that they must face all the time.

He looked into Care.com, but none of the jobs on there seemed like long-term gigs, and he didn’t want to just be a glorified baby sitter. He figured if he could find a well paying nannying job, he could do that for a bit until finding a job at a new facility, or even set up his dream pre-school. During his search on Indeed, he saw a position for a live-in nanny – jackpot! Live-in meant long-term, and long-term meant lots of money. It also meant he could get rid of his apartment and not have to pay rent for a while. He clicked on the ad that was posted only a couple of weeks ago.

Live-in Nanny Needed for Help with Eight-Month-Old

Minimum requirements:

·        Bachelor’s in either early childhood education or elementary education

·        At least two years’ experience working babies/children

Three professional references required

Applicant is subject to thorough background check for the safety of the child and mother.

Other tasks as needed include:

·        Cooking

·        Light cleaning

·        Grocery shopping/running other errands

If applicant is selected, they will be paid a flat rate of $1600 bi-weekly, will live in “in-law” section of the house, and a car will be provided for them. A resume, cover letter, and three professional references may be sent directly to jpwatson@gmail.com

After reading everything over, this seemed like Harry’s best bet. Some of it seemed a little too good to be true, but this was a risk he needed to take right now. He just hoped the position hadn’t already been filled. That night he spent some time updating his LinkedIn, making sure all of his privacy settings were up to date on all of his social media, and then wrote out a resume and cover letter. The last part was his least favorite because he knew a proper resume and cover letter had to be curated to the specific job, and it made things all the more tedious. By the time he was done, it was late. He didn’t want to seem unprofessional, so he waited to send the email until the next morning.

Subject: Nannying Advert on Indeed

To: jpwatson@gmail.com

From: hes2194@gmail.com

Good morning,

My name is Harry and I’m interested in the nannying advert you’ve posted on Indeed. For the last four years I’ve been working at P.B. & J.’s Child Care Center, and was recently promoted to team lead. Unfortunately, the business itself couldn’t remain afloat, and I was laid off.

Attached are my resume and cover letter. I’d be happy to provide the three references if I end up being considered for the position.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Harry

Treat People With Kindness

He closes his laptop with a satisfied sigh after proofreading his email ten different times before he hit send. He takes a sip from his coffee, and sits back on his sofa. Now all he had to do was wait.

//

There was radio silence for two days. Harry was starting to think he would need to keep job hunting. He had bills to pay, and the last thing he wanted to do was ask his parents for help. They already looked down on his profession as it was. If he had his own car he’d become an uber driver or something, but he didn’t so he couldn’t. Then, by some stroke of luck, at 4:55PM on a Thursday, he gets an email from the address he had been hoping to see pop up.

Subject: Re: Nannying Advert on Indeed

To: hes2194@gmail.com

From: jpwatson@gmail.com

Good evening Harry,

My name is Jane Watson, thank you so much for your application. My apologies it has taken me a couple of days to get back to you. I am usually more responsive, but things have been a little crazy at work as of late. Upon further review of your resume and over letter, I would like to offer you an interview this Saturday at noon, if you are available. I can be flexible if that day and time do not work for you.

If you are able to come, and are still interested in the position, I ask that you please bring your references with you. I will want to call them right away. I am sure you can understand me wanting to thoroughly look into you before letting you into my daughter’s life.

I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

All my best,

Jane

Harry responded to her right away, he didn’t care how eager he seemed. He told her Saturday at noon worked great, and that he would definitely have his references, and anything else he needed to provide. She emailed him back an hour or so later with her cell phone number and address. For the first time in a while, Harry felt like he could breathe again. He knew it wasn’t a done deal that he’d be getting the job, but he was being given a chance, and for that he was thankful.

//

He wanted to make a good first impression on Saturday, so he made sure to wash his hair in the shower, and use his good mousse so his hair would look more orderly. He shaved to give himself that clean and sleek look, this was not a day to appear scruffy. He knew he didn’t need to be overly dressed up, but he also knew that you’re supposed to dress for the job you want and not the job you have. He irons a pair of tan slacks and pairs it with a blue button up. Not to brag, but his bum looked great in these slacks, and it was giving him all the confidence in the world. He puts on a floral tie, just to show a bit of his personality, makes sure his nail polish isn’t chipped, and makes sure all of his rings are looking shiny. He takes an uber out to Jane’s house. It was in a gated community, which he was expecting since he looked up the house beforehand. He wondered what she or her husband did for work to live in a place like this. Or perhaps she inherited the home? Either way, he was excited.

He thanks the driver, and knocks on the door as he was instructed to do. A woman with silver hair that was up in a nice bun opens the door.

“Hello, you must be Mr. Styles.” She smiles.

“Yes, hello.” He smiles back.

“I’m MaryAnne, please come in.” She steps aside to let Harry in.

“Thank you.”

“Miss Watson is just pumping, but you can wait for her here in her office.” She leads Harry down a corridor where he meets a grand double door. MaryAnne opens them and shows him inside. “Make yourself comfortable, dear. Can I get you anything? Coffee, water, tea?”

“I’m all set, but thank you very much.”

The woman nods and leaves him in the room alone. He stays standing as he didn’t want to assume where he should be sitting. There was a gorgeous desk with two chairs on the other side, but there was also a small round table with four chairs around it in the corner. She clearly held a lot of meetings here, or so it would seem. To pass the time he looks over her bookshelves, scanning over what she might be into. She seemed to be into fiction, but he had never heard of any of the books on some of the shelves, or the author. She had several by the same person. Before he could look further, he heard the clacking of heels on the hardwood floors approaching him.

Everything stopped when she walked in. Jane had her hair up in a flowing ponytail, a white blouse covered her top half, he notices that the first few buttons were left undone, probably to help with her pumping, and she had a black pencil skirt on that just came to her knees. She was short, and a little voluptuous, not that Harry was checking her out.  

“Hello, Mr. Styles, I’m sorry to keep you waiting.” He goes to stick his hand out for her to shake, but she walks around him and sits down at her desk. “Please, have a seat.”

He swallows and sits down.

“Y-you can just call me Harry if you like, Mrs. Watson.”

“I’m a Miss not a missus.” She says as she takes out a folder with a few sheets in it and a pen. “It says here you graduated Summa Cum Laude from Lesley University. That’s an incredible place to get a degree in education.”

“Thank you, I got a pretty decent scholarship, it was my reach school. I minored in psychology as well. I did my practicum hours at a daycare center that specialized in caring for children with disabilities. So, I’ve worked with all sorts of children. I prefer working with infants and toddlers, though.”

“And why is that?” She looks at him, clicking her pen, ready to take notes.

“Well, I just have more fun with them, to be honest. I like watching them discover new things. My favorite thing to do while working in the baby room at my last job was working with the babies on their tummy times. It was always rewarding to watch them get stronger. I feel like I just bond with them better.”

“I need to ask you some personal questions since this is a live-in position.”

“Of course.” Harry nods.

“Are you in any sort of relationship with anyone?”

“No, I’m single.”

“Have you ever been arrested, or do you have any sort of criminal history?”

“No.”

“I’m not one to judge, I think everyone deserves a second chance, I just have to ask these sort of things.” She says.

“I don’t have a criminal record, Miss Watson.”

“History of drug use?”

“I smoked a bit of weed when I was younger, but I don’t anymore. An edible once in a while, maybe, but never when I’m on the clock.”

“Just marijuana?”

“I’ve done shrooms a few times, but nothing other than that. Stupid kid stuff.”

“Again, not judging. I’d prefer you don’t have any drugs in the house, unless they’re for medical use. I know edibles can be prescribed by doctors for anxiety and whatnot.” Harry nods at that. “What about alcohol? You’re twenty-six, you must enjoy a drink after a long day.”

“A glass of red once in a while, sure.” He nods. “But I’m not really a heavy drinker, I never have been. I’d say if anything I’m a social drinker, but you watch me carefully at a party you’ll notice that I nurse the same drink.” He smirks.

“I’m the same way. A little bit of a buzz is fun, but anything more can be a bit scary. I actually cannot remember the last time I had a real drink.” She looks off in thought.

“Well, can’t you drink now that the baby’s here?”

“And have to succumb to a pump and dump?” She scoffs. “No way, that would be a total waste. It’s torture enough to sit there while a machine sucks the milk out of my-“ She stops herself. “Sorry.” She shakes her head. “Anyways, your resume was impressive, and you were quite articulate in your cover letter. You’re the only candidate I’ve invited for an interview.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” She nods. “I really wanted someone with experience, not someone fresh out of college looking for a place to live. You’d really be okay with living here?”

“Honestly, you’d be doing me a favor. My long-term goal is to either have a daycare or pre-school of my own someday. Not having to pay rent for a while would really help me save up for that.”

“That’s an incredible goal to have, Harry.” She smiles, impressed by his ambition. “What questions do you have for me?”

“I just want to clarify, your daughter is eight months?” Jane nods. “And what’s her name?”

“Lilly.” Jane smiles.

“That’s a beautiful name.” Harry smiles. “Why exactly do you need a live-in nanny?”

“I work a lot.” She sighs. “And I’m a single mom. I want her to always have someone here that she can depend on and feel comfortable with. Sometimes my work drags me out in the middle of the night, or I have to take a phone call at an odd hour. I just want someone else here in case I can’t be if something comes up.”

“So, her father’s not in the picture?”

“No.” Her features sour a bit. “He doesn’t even know she exists to be perfectly honest with you. I found out I was pregnant after we broke up, and I decided not to tell him about her. He was a deadbeat moocher, he would have been useless.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, but thank you for telling me. May I ask, how old are you?”

“Twenty-nine, does that matter?”

“No! No, I was just more so curious. You seem pretty successful to be in a home like this. In the advert, you stated I’d be given a car as well, that’s not exactly cheap.”

“You’ll be given access to one of my cars.” She says. “I’m not giving you a car, make no mistake about that.” She smirks. “I’m an author, a successful one.” Harry tries to think if he’s ever heard of a Jane Watson before, but he’s coming up blank. “You’ve never heard of me because I have a pen name. If it’s all the same, I don’t really want to share it with you. Not yet, anyways.”

“Sure…wait…are you offering me the job?”

“Not quite. I’d like you to meet my daughter. I want to see how she interacts with you.”

“I’d love to meet Lilly.” He smiles.

“Great, before we do that, do you have more questions?”

“Yes, who’s MaryAnne? Is she, like, a maid or housekeeper?”

“No.” Jane laughs. “She’s my personal assistant. I usually answer the door myself, but pumping took a bit longer than usual.”

“When did you publish your first work?”

“When I was twenty.” She smiles. “I was still in school, and I decided just to self-publish. It took off, and a few companies reached out to me. I eventually got an agent, and the rest was history. I’m a fast writer, I’m able to churn out more projects than most people, and for whatever reason they keep becoming hits. One of the reasons I travel a lot is that a couple of my works are being turned into television shows, and working out those contracts is a lot. I want to be a part of the process to make sure the stories are told correctly.”

“That’s incredible!”

“it is.” She nods. “I never thought I’d be a television producer, but here I am. I don’t really want Lilly around all that, so there’s another reason for having a live-in nanny.”

“This may seem like a silly question, but will I have time off?”

“Oh my goodness, of course! The salary is negotiable as well. You’ll have weekends off, as well as all bank and national holidays. You’ll also earn vacation time and sick leave like at any other job. You’ll be given a benefits package as well, if you need health insurance.”

“You…you provide stuff like that?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

“I’ve just never heard of a nannying job quite like this before.” He blinks. “It feels too good to be true.”

“I’m just a firm believer in compensating someone properly. I believe in investing in the people you have.”

“Right.” He swallows. He almost starting to feel like he was going to be her sugar baby or something, but he obviously knew that wasn’t the case. “You asked me about my dating life, what about yours?”

“I’m also single. Lilly is my top priority, and then comes my work. I’m completely fulfilled as is.” She stands from her desk. “Come, I’ll give you a tour of the house, and of the in-law space, and then you can meet Lilly.”

“Okay.” He stands up and follows her out of the office.

She shows him the living room, which felt more like a study. There was an entertainment room with a huge flat screen, deluxe loungers, a pool table, and bar. She shows him to the kitchen which was equally as extravagant. She brings him upstairs to show him all of the bedrooms.

“This is Lilly’s room.” Jane says proudly.

“it’s beautiful, I love the light purple.”

“So do I.” She says. “My room is down the hall, don’t think you need a tour of that.” She laughs and they head back downstairs. “Here’s the inside entrance to the in-law, but there’s also an exterior entrance you can use…or if you have guests over.” Harry’s in awe of the space. It was larger than his apartment. “It’s a one bedroom flat essentially. There’s a full bath en suite, and there’s a half bath over there. Open concept kitchen and living area. It’s fully furnished as well. Feel free to decorate it however you like. I just ask that this space stays yours. There’s really no reason for you to bring Lilly in here, you know?”

“Sure, yeah. This is amazing.”

“I’m glad you like it. Let’s just hope Lilly like you.” Jane smirks, and they head back to the main part of the house, and into Lilly’s playroom. She was sitting with MaryAnne in a large rocking chair. “M, you can feel free to go back to your office if you like. Harry’s going to get acquainted with Lilly.”

“Of course.” MaryAnne stands up with the baby, and hands her over to Jane.

“She has an office here too?” Harry asks.

“Of course she does, and one of the guest rooms upstairs is hers to use when she needs it.” She kisses the top of her daughter’s head. “Lilly,” she coos, “I have someone I’d like you to meet.” She gestures for Harry to take her, and he happily does so.

“Hey, baby girl.” Harry coos. Bright hazel eyes look up at him in wonder. He lets her latch onto his index finger. “It’s so nice to meet you.” He looks at Jane. “She’s precious, Miss Watson.”

“Isn’t she?” Jane beams. “She’s really been enjoying her bouncy, and messing around with her blocks. I have some CD’s I like having her listen to as well. Oh! We did a paint with pudding night as a sensory play thing, it was a hoot.” She chuckles.

“Those are great, aren’t they? Very stimulating, and it teaches the child that sometimes messes are okay.” He looks down at Lilly and smiles. “May I sit with her in the rocking chair?”

“Please!” She gestures to it, and she sits down on the loveseat in the room. Harry sits down with Lilly, cradling her carefully. He adjusts her so she’s able to stand on his lap. She bounces herself and giggles. “Look at that!” Jane exclaims. “I love it when she does that.”

“She’s awfully sweet.” Harry smiles, and then he looks at Jane. “How much do you feed her?”

“I give her roughly twenty-four to thirty-two ounces a day. You’ll know how hungry she is or isn’t in the moment. I’ve started giving her pureed butternut squash, mashed bananas and strawberries, she’s got that puffed baby cereal as well. I’ve also started giving her ground chicken in really small doses just to get her some protein, but right now I’ve mostly been sticking to fruits and veggies. You must know a lot about what foods to give a baby?”

“I do.” He nods. “You’re still producing that much milk to give her daily?”

“I’ve almost been wishing I’d dry up. I get so sore somedays.” Jane sighs. “But I figure it’s good for her to have it while I can still make it. I’m not opposed to formular or anything…but I like bonding with her in that way. I got rid of her baby acne by rubbing my nipple on her skin, it was like magic.”

“It’s certainly a trick of the trade.” He smirks at her. “I remember learning that in one of my courses, and I was amazed. You all are super humans.”

Jane watches Harry play on the ground with Lilly for a bit. Harry was already so wonderful with her. Harry starts to smell something, and so does Jane.

“Think it’s time for a diaper change.” He chuckles and picks her up. “Would you like me to change her?”

“Yeah, I’d like to see you do it.”

He brings Lilly over to the changing table, and lays her down.

“I know you’re all warm and cozy, but I need to disrupt that for a moment.” He says to the baby girl who was babbling and blowing little spit bubbles, totally unbothered. Harry unsnaps her onesie, and lifts her legs to detach the diaper. His eyes widen at the type of diaper that’s on her. “You cloth diaper?” He looks at Jane.

“It’s better for the environment.” She shrugs. “There’s a trashcan for the…um, poop, and there’s another can for the diapers. I give her a regular diaper for bedtime just because it’s easier to change her in the middle of the night and in the morning, but daytime I use the cloth diapers.”

“Makes sense to me.” Harry disposes of everything, and grabs a few wipes to clean Lilly up. She took a powerful stinky.

“I blame it on the pureed peas.” Jane laughs.

“It doesn’t even phase me anymore, honestly.” Harry says as he gets a little baby powder on her. He grabs a spare cloth diaper, and gets it on her. He snaps her onesie back together and lifts her up. “There we go, good as new, darling girl.” Lilly blows some bubbles at Harry, and blows some back, making her giggle. Jane beams at the two of them.

“It’s about time for her afternoon nap. Would you like to put her down?”

“I’d love to.”

Harry carries Lilly upstairs with Jane. She flips on Lilly’s white noise machine, and makes sure her favorite blankies are in the crib. Harry sits down in the large chair in the corner of the room and starts to rock her gently, giving her soothing rubs. Jane watches as Lilly’s eyelids start to droop. She fights it at first, but Harry continues to soothe her until she’s out like a light. He carefully stands up and sets her down into her crib. The two back out of the room quietly, and make their way down the stairs.

“Let’s go back to my office.” Jane says, and Harry follows her there. Once they’re both seated, she starts speaking again. “Well, the job is yours if you want it.”

“Really?” Harry felt every worry from his life leave his body.

“Yes.” She chuckles. “You’ve really impressed me, and I think Lilly’s quite taken with you already. I’d love to have you as her nanny.” She takes out a few forms. “May I have your references? The background check will take about a week. How soon could you start after that?”

“Right away, honestly.” He hands her a sheet with his references.

“Here are the tax forms you’ll need to fill out, a form for direct deposit, and some information on your benefits. You can get everything back to me by the end of next week.”

“I can’t thank you enough for this opportunity, I’m so excited. I can’t wait to get started, Miss Watson.” He stands to shake her hand, and she stands as she takes it.

“Please, you can call me Jane.”

[pen-paper-and-ink]

Champagne Problems

Chapter Three

Masterlist

Sam eventually went to back to his own apartment around noon, leaving Aelin with plenty of time to focus on her English assignment.  Instead of a final test in English, there was a final paper, and Aelin was struggling with what words to put down.

She knew the book inside and out; the words just were not coming to her today. She could usually just sit at her computer and let the words flow out of her, but that was not happening.  She eventually just went back and skimmed through her outline, getting herself to refocus. She finally gave up a half an hour later and resorted to texting Rowan.

“Want to come over and study.  I’ll order takeout from Emry’s. It will be just like old times.”

The response came only seconds later. “I’d love too, but some of us have class in an hour.”

She could practically here the snort in his reply. “Could you possibly skip this class and study with me instead?”

“I would but it’s the last class before the final, and I need the review.”

“Boo. You suck.” She emphasized with an emoji that was sticking its tongue out at him.

“See you later, Ace :)”She swore he refused to use emoji’s just to spite her.

When she was finally done pouting, she eventually pulled her phone back out to text Lysandra, who easily agreed to come over.  Although Lysandra was not diligent as Rowan when it came to studying and making study schedules, she was better than nothing, especially when Aelin was having trouble concentrating.

She showed up to Aelin’s apartment wearing an oversized fuzzy pink sweater and a pair of black leggings, as well as two chocolate bars.  She might now be Aelin’s favorite person.

She definitely was not Aelin’s favorite person the first time they met, though.  They were both petty and stubborn and got along about as well as cats getting a bath. That eventually changed the march of their freshmen year, when Aelin chased off a shady guy who was trying to follow a very drunk Lys into the bathroom at a frat house. Lysandra had been her constant companion since then, especially when it came to  topics including clothes and boys.

“Hello, Babe,” Lysandra chirped happily as she strode into Aelin’s apartment.  She shrugged off her bag and dropped the candy onto her plush sofa.  Aelin went to wrap her harms around Lysandra who returned the gesture. “I brought chocolate as a study motivator for the both of us, but you already smell of candy.”

Aelin groans. “Shut up.  Sam bought me this perfume, it’s his favorite.”

“Mhm,” Lysandra hums giving Aelin a conspiratorial grin, “I think he like’s that you’re his own personal snack.” Lysandra says wiggling her eyebrows.

Aelin only rolled her eyes at her friend, “whatever.”

“You smell good, babe, just really sweet. Even sweeter than that bath and body works body spray that everyone bathed their selves in in middle school, if that’s even possible. But I think he likes that.  How many times has he bitten your neck when you have been wearing it?” Lysandra asked with further eyebrow wiggling.

“You’re way too into our love life.  How long has it been since you’ve had date?” This time it was Aelin’s turn to wiggle her eyebrows.

“It’s been a while,” Lysandra moans loudly, but she turns her grin back onto Aelin, “but you didn’t answer my question.”

Aelin sighs loudly and slumps back onto her couch. “It’s not like he does it often.”

Lysandra snickers and she lounges next to Aelin. “So, I see it’s getting pretty serious. I even saw the picture he keeps of you in his wallet.”

“In his wallet?” Aelin snorts. “I didn’t think that people still did that. I thought the real milestone of a serious relationship was making a picture of your significant other your home screen on your phone.”

“Yes, you relationship guru.  Are you ready to study now?”

. . .

It turns out that Lysandra was the perfect person to get Aelin to finish her English paper.  About two hours after Lysandra arrived, Aelin had finished her paper, submitted it, and was able to eat her chocolate bar as a reward.  They then watched a shitty romcom on Netflix until Lysandra had to leave for her evening class.

That now left Aelin plenty of time to get ready to go to the Cadre’s for the night. It also gave Aelin some time to harass Rowan about his class.

“How was class?” Aelin texted.

“Good.  Did you finally finish your paper, you demon?  Bribing me with Emry’s and everything.” Rowan replied.

“I finished it and submitted it and everything. I even ate a celebratory chocolate bar without you.” She brags.

“I just wanted you to know that I am rolling my eyes at you.” Was his only response.

“Would it kill you to just use the emoji?” Aelin demanded.

“Yes.” Well at least she had her answer.

“See you at the Cadre’s in a few hours or so?” She inquired.

“Yes,” was once again his only response. Boys, Aelin thought rolling her eyes. What was with boys and their one-word answers.  With that, Aelin pulled up Spotify on her TV to blast some music as she prepared for her night.

She was having fun running around her apartment sing- screaming the lyrics to Teenage Dirtbag as she prepared dinner and tidied up her apartment.  Pop-rock and other angsty songs which she listened to as a teenager, always brought back fond memories.  Her friends always made fun of her emo music in high school, so she decided to switch to some more mainstream stereotypical party music when hanging out with her college friends. The mainstream stuff like Doja Cat and Cardi B, stuff that was always playing loudly at clubs and house parties.

Aelin also had a soft spot for love songs and romantic ballads.  Frank Sinatra always reminded her of her parents spinning around their living room on a weeknight.  She always thought that they were disgustingly in love. Always holding hands and kissing in front of her and her friends.  Aelin now regrets giving them crap about it, especially since the time they had together ended up being cut short.

She ends up eating her frozen pasta dinner over the kitchen island as she hummed along to an old fall out boy song. She went to check her phone and saw a message from Sam which simply asked if she was going to be at the Cadre’s in an hour, she sent back a simple yes as a response and finished up her dinner. Once she was done, she decided that it was probably time to get dressed for the night.

Aelin loved getting dressed up.  She found it calming.  Once she picked out an outfit she would methodically paint her face and do her hair. She scanned her overflowing closet, her gaze gliding over black cocktail dresses, sportswear, blazers, sun dresses, and band T’s.  She decided on a pair of skinny jeans and an oversized concert t-shirt since she just wanted to wear something simple, and the Cadre’s was a fairly run-down dive bar, though Aelin didn’t mind being overdressed, she loved her clothes and wasn’t afraid to show off and look fabulous doing so.

Once she was dressed, she went into her bathroom to do her makeup.  She blended concealer and foundation into her skin, and painstaking lined her eyes with black liquid liner.  She had decided on a classic cat eye with red lips, something you could never go wrong with.   She reached down for her tube of lipstick then remembered that Sam got kind of soppy and romantic when he was drunk and reached for a liquid lip instead.

She then quickly curled her hair and accessed her appearance.  Her skin was flawless, her eyebrows were groomed to perfection, the eyeliner accentuated her blazing blue-gold eyes wonderfully, and her crimson red lips went well with the look.  Her golden hair was voluminous in big beach waves, she overall was pleased with her appearance, especially after spending the entire day in lounge wear studying. It felt good to be put together after a day of lounging around her apartment while trying to write.  Overall Aelin thought she looked hot as fuck.

She quickly pulled on her heeled black booties, grabbed her bag and she was out the door.

. . .

The bar was so loud, the baseline of the song that was playing was all that could be heard.  Lysandra had left the group about an hour in, to go flirt with some guy she had met previously that night and had eventually went home with him, after checking in with Aelin.  Aelin dutifully took down the guys information, with Lys promising to check in with her later in the evening.  That left Aelin to hang with the guys.

They had all gathered tonight.  Sam, Lorcan, Conall, Fenrys, Rowan, and Aelin.  They had all had a few rounds and were now all laughing over stupid shit, even Lorcan, who Aelin didn’t know could even laugh before tonight.

They were all giddy over the thought of finishing the school year.  Rowan, Lorcan, and Sam were all graduating in a week, and Aelin and the twins were officially 75% done with their education.  There was a lot to celebrate and drink to.

Aelin’s thigh was pressed against Rowan’s in the booth as they started arguing over which actor was the best Spiderman. That was the one habit they had kept from the time when they hated each other, the arguing. Rowan and Aelin were known to argue over everything, though now the disagreements were over trivial things and mostly just involved teasing. Rowan was arguing in favor of Tobey Maguire, which Aelin made gagging noises over when he finally confessed as to who her thought the best actor was.

“I’m sorry to inform you,” Aelin started, elbow on the table starring up at her best friends face, “That we cannot be friends anymore.  I simply cannot be friends with anyone who thinks that Tobey Maguire makes a better Spiderman than Tom Holland.  That’s blasphemous, and I will not stand for it.”

“You can’t mess with the original, Ace.” Rowan responds looking serious. “He just cannot be beat.”

“Yeah, Ace.” Conall responds, apparently feeling the need to weigh in on their argument. Rowan frowns at him, no doubt from the fact that Conall called her Ace, which usually only Rowan called her that, with the exclusion of Sam who had recently gone about calling her that. Rowan has always felt a little possessive over the name Ace.

“No, No, No,” Fenrys butts in, his words slurring slightly, “I agree with Aelin. Tom Holland is simply the best. Also, have you seen his lip sync battle?  Tell me Tobey Maguire could pull that off. I dare you.”

“He can’t,” Aelin laughs, “He simply can’t.”

“I also agree that Tom Holland is the best Spiderman.” Sam says with a sly smile.

Rowan frowns at him.  “You’re only agreeing with Aelin because she’s your girlfriend.”

Sam laughs, gets up and slides onto the opposite booth and sits next to Aelin, “No, no one can compete with Holland’s acting chops.” He says as he throws his arm around Aelin’s shoulders.

“There’s only one way to decide then,” Conall says with a smirk. “Lorcan must be the deciding vote.”

Aelin and Fenrys both protest loudly, claiming Lorcan had no taste, and that Lorcan would choose Maguire just to spite them.

Rowan shuts the protests up by turning to Lorcan and asking for his vote.

Lorcan looks sheepishly around before he says, “I actually think Andrew Garfield plays the best Spiderman.”

The group eventually quiets back down, as the night begins to come to an end. Lorcan was the first one to head out, claiming he had a final tomorrow.  Fenrys left soon after, receiving a text from a semi-frequent hook-up asking him to come over.  Conall then convinced Sam to play darts with him, beating Sam every round.  Sam still seemed to be enjoying himself though, laughing every time he missed one of the rings, and once the board entirely. Aelin never understood why bar owners thought it was a good idea to put a dart board in the middle of drunk men with questionable aim, but who was she to question it.

Sam and Conall’s questionable game of darts did, however, leave Aelin and Rowan alone for the first time that night.  Aelin had been missing spending time with her best friend.  It seemed that every time they tried to get together, outside of their morning runs, they were busy or surrounded by other people.  

“So, how are you Buzzard?” Aelin asks with a slow smile.

“How are you, fireheart?” Rowan asks, far too seriously for the night they have been having.

Aelin’s heart begins to pound loudly in her chest. He hardly ever called her that, only when he was feeling particularly affectionate.

“All’s good.” She replied, still smiling.  Her heart pounded faster still when his fingers brushed against her cheek.

“An eyelash had fallen.” Was all Rowan said, still gazing at her with an intense stare.

“Oh.” Aelin said, “I hadn’t noticed.”

Rowan only gave her a sad smile as he stood up.  He ended up tripping while trying to remove himself from his seat, which made her burst out laughing.  Rowan, who was usually graceful to a fault, had tripped. He was more drunk than she had initially thought, he must be excited to be graduating.

“Do you need help?” Aelin asked.

“I am fine.” Rowan growled back.

“Are you sure about that?” Aelin asked, trying to hide her laughter. “You seem a little unsteady on your feet.”

“I’m fine, I’m going to head home for the night.” Rowan said, regaining his balance and his usual stoic expression. He grabbed his jacket from where he had been sitting.

“How about you come home with me,” Aelin offered. “You seem a bit unsteady there, Buzzard.”

“I’m fine,” Rowan said again. “I’ll get a cab. Goodnight.” Rowan threw her one last smile, then exited the bar, never bothering to turn back.

. . .

The dreams usually began with a dizzying array of colors, then quickly moved on to flashes of memory. Her heart begins to pound so loudly she can hear it in her head, in her dreams.  Once her senses are overwhelmed with the shadow of memories and the deafening sound of her own heartbeat, is when she would stop breathing. The lack of air is what usually wakes her from her slumber.

Aelin Galathynius quickly padded across the floor of her bedroom to her bathroom, closing the door behind her, where she then vomited into the toilet. She always made sure the door to the bathroom was closed and locked, so Sam could not hear her, or accidently open the bathroom door in the middle of the night to find her lying on the floor next to the toilet.

After Aelin was done emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet, she slumped down onto the floor.  The cool tile against her back, where her loose sleep camisole did not cover, always seemed to ground her.  The hot flashes, the insanity from the dreams and then the vomiting always began to dissipate once she felt the cool tile against her body.

She laid on the floor for a while, breathing in and out and waiting for her pulse to return to normal. The memories she tried to escape during her day, where always ruthlessly unleashed during the night, pursuing her where she could not escape them. Although she couldn’t escape the dreams and memories, they were significantly better within the last few years, only occurring every once in a while, instead of every night.

Aelin thought back to her freshmen year, where she would drink all night long, or get into fights, just to try to stay awake just a little longer so she wouldn’t have to face what was waiting in her subconscious.  Aelin was good at that, pushing things away, not examining anything too closely in case it might trigger a panic attack.

Aelin would eventually have to get up, brush her teeth and make her way back to bed where her loving boyfriend was sleeping, but she allowed herself to rest for a moment more on the floor.  Though Sam knew what happened when she was eighteen in veiled terms, and through short bursts of vulnerability, she couldn’t get herself to admit to him that she still had panic attacks, and nightmares from her previous years. In fact, the only person who knew she still suffered through them was Rowan.

Rowan was her constant star and steadfast companion when it came to the pain of suddenly losing someone. He was also well aware of the way she tried to deal with it afterward, for that was how they found each other.  They were both so wrapped up in their grief and their own self destruction that they couldn’t see the other person in front of them. When Aelin pulled her head out of her ass, as Aedion called it, and finally called a truce with Rowan, and later became friends with him, is when Aelin realized that they had the same grief festering inside them.  They also had the same self-destructive streak, so they vowed to find their way out of the madness and grief together.

For a moment Aelin wished Rowan was with her, gently coaxing her get up and brush her teeth, rubbing his hand on her back soothingly, waiting for her pulse to slow back down. Rowan always knew how to reach her, how to soothe her.

Aelin slowly got up, and eventually made her way back to her sleeping boyfriend who was unaware that anything had happened. She tried to fall asleep next to her boyfriend, but she couldn’t, she was too busy wishing Rowan was beside her with his soothing touch luring her back to sleep.

Taglist

@rowaelinismyotp

[kirislut]

Hihi!!! Could i request a headcanon for Kirishima, Denki, and Bakugo, when you fall asleep while studying together and how they react?? Thank youuu ❤❤

a/n: hi hi! ok i’m so so so sorry it took me so long to get to this 😭 i’ve been so uninspired to write but now i’m trying to force myself lol. and i’m glad i did i think it turned out good? anyways i hope you enjoy! 💖

eijirou kirishima

kirishima may have placed second in ua’s entrance exam, but he still needs to study. a lot

your also pretty smart but that doesn’t mean you don’t need to study as well, so when kirishima asked if you wanted to study with him it was perfect for both of you

it was also perfect because the two of you have fat crushes on each other

the two of you were going to meet up in your room after class ended, since your room was easier to study in—

when class ended, you walked over to kirishima’s desk. once he packed up the two of you started walking to the dorms

“hey (y/n) can we study english today? since we have a quiz tomorrow.” kirishima glanced at you, to see if you’d agree

you nodded your head in response, “good idea, we probably should review the material from today. it’ll most likely be the majority of the quiz.”

the two of you continue to easily converse about how to study for today, you have always been able to easily talk with kirishima

it’s definitely one of the reasons why you fell for him

when you get to your dorm, the both of you sit at your chabudai desk. sitting across from each other because you’re not sure if you’re ready to sit so close to kirishima. he’s not sure either

as you start getting your notes out from your earlier lesson, kirishima is currently worrying about being in your room. it’s his first time being in your room, with only you.

you snap him back to reality, “kirishima? are you going to get your notes out?”

the red head tenses slightly since you caught him spacing out, “right sorry (y/n)!” he laughs nervously and fishes his notes out from his backpack

the two of you then spend the next few hours studying your english from material from that day and the rest of the week

“kirishima, you forgot the comma here.”

“(y/n) which sentence structure do i use here?”

“wait how do you spell ketchup again..”

“why is english so complicated?!”

after almost four hours of studying, mostly english but the two of you completed the homework due tomorrow as well, you were starting to get tired. it was already dark outside as well

you let out a big yawn, causing kirishima to pause what he was doing and look up at you. “getting tired? maybe we should call it for today.”

you immediately shake your head at the male, “no i’m fine let’s just finish since we’re almost done.” even if you were tired you didn’t want this to end, you were actually having fun studying with kirishima. he definitely made it more enjoyable

kirishima definitely didn’t think you were just fine, but he let it slide. he was planning on letting you sleep if you let out another big yawn like that though

you continued to work on a worksheet but you were having trouble remembering something. so you got up and plopped down next to kirishima, “can you help me with this? sorry it’s just easier to sit next to you instead of sliding the paper back and forth.”

kirishima was a little surprised that you were now sitting so close to him, your shoulders touching with his now. but he swatted that thought away and focused on helping you with the worksheet. a small blush still spread along his cheeks however

he started to explain it more thoroughly, not realizing that you had started to lean against him. it was only after he finished explaining that he fully noticed that you had fell asleep while leaning against him.

you were already pretty tired, so when kirishima started to smoothly talk, plus his comfortable warmth. yea it just soothed you into an easy sleep, leaving a very surprised, flustered red head

the red head blushed deeply when he saw that you were now slumped against him and sleeping. he couldn’t help the lopsided smile that easily spread on his face as he watched your sleeping form

but now kirishima was contemplating whether he should move you to your bed or not. he was so afraid of waking you up, the sweet boy didn’t want to disturb you. you looked too cute sleeping anyways

but while he was deciding there was a sudden knock on the door, which then opened quickly after

“hey (y/n)! the girls were wondering if you wanted to join...kirishima!! what are you doing here?” mina was standing in the open door frame, along with tsuyu and hagakure

kirishima immediately brought his finger to his lips to shush the loud pink girl, when mina shouted in surprise you started to stir slightly

“please don’t wake up (y/n), they just fell asleep.” the red head was quietly trying to make sure the girls weren’t too loud again. but they were struggling from holding back their squeals of excitement since of course they knew about your crush

“ok we will leave then, but not after taking a dozen pictures first!” mina quietly shouted, then whipped out her phone and started to snap pictures of your sleeping form leaning against kirishima.

the next day you practically died from over heating after seeing all the pictures mina took, but at least you and kirishima got high grades on the quiz

the two of you would definitely be studying again together

denki kaminari

it’s no secret that kaminari needs to study more, i’m pretty sure everyone knows that much

he’s actually ranked last in class 1-a’s grades, this idiot

so when kaminari practically begs you to help him study, since bakugou doesn’t want to teach him anymore, you can’t refuse him

besides it helps you learn as well, plus of course you don’t mind spending more time with your crush

during lunch the blonde practically drags you to the library to help him review for a test they have right after lunch.

you can’t even stop him from dragging you because you’re blushing from him just holding your hand

honestly kaminari would be a little short circuited as well but he’s too worried about failing this test

kaminari finds a table for the both of you near the back of the library and immediately starts to bombarde you with questions

“how do you memorize all of this laws?”

“do heroes pay for building damages or is it covered by the government?”

“and also—“

he goes on for a minute or so before finally taking a breath and letting you process, you can’t even hold yourself back from laughing because half of the stuff he said wasn’t even related to what you had learned in class

“kaminari, do you even pay attention? here let me explain what we learned this week.” you grabbed your notebook and moved to sit beside the electric boy

as you read through your notebook, reviewing the weeks material, kaminari just stared at you as you talked

seeing you beside him definitely hit different, it just meant he could admire you up close. also he never knew hearing you talk so confidently about this subject would be hot

congrats kaminari thinks you’re smarts are hot too

when you finished explaining, turning to face the blonde, you definitely weren’t expecting him to be so blantantly staring at you

a pink tint spread on your cheeks as you looked back at him in confusion, “kaminari? were you listening to anything i said?”

“huh?” it took the blonde a moment to register your words, but he then smiled sheepishly. “what of course i did, your good looks just distracted me slightly that’s all.”

your mouth dropped open slightly, eyes blinking slowly as you sat in shock. yea you knew kaminari could be a flirt, but it didn’t mean that you were immune to it

as your cheeks grew red, you cleared your throat and focused back on helping the dunce face study. “right well if you can answer these questions then you should be fine for the next class.”

kaminari was silently grinning in victory, loving your adorable reaction to his flirting. he wanted to flirt with you more

you quickly wrote down a couple of questions, from some worksheets and other you made up, so that kaminari could answer them

you gave the paper to kaminari and he stared to answer them, leaving you with nothing to do. so you decided to rest your head on the table, using your own hand as a pillow for your face

the previous night you slept pretty late, for no particular reason you just couldn’t sleep. so it didn’t take much for you too easily fall asleep in the quiet library

that’s a BIG lie we both know you were probably up on your phone, maybe watching tiktok as well don’t think i don’t know

kaminari finished all the questions and was about to slide the paper to you when he saw you had fallen asleep

the blonde was surprised to see you had fallen asleep so easily, and now he was unsure what to do

the thought of the test quickly fleeted from his mind as he just watched you. your small rising and falling with each breath, your mouth slightly open, and your hair gently framing your face

the blonde gently reached over and brushed some stray hairs that dared to block your face. he couldn’t help but smile as he did so

goodness kaminari couldn’t help but think you were still so attractive as you slept! but now that he thought of it, of course you would be attractive with everything you do

he decided to let you rest, mostly because it was an excuse for him to watch you. he laid his arms on the table and laid on them as well, watching you as you took a little nap

after a few minutes of watching you, he knew that the bell would ring soon. so instead of letting the bell wake you, he decided that he would rather do it

a mischievous grin spread along his face, his charges his finger with enough electricity to definitely wake you up. but of course not enough to hurt you or anything like that

as he pressed his finger against your arm you immediately jolted awake with a little gasp following

“k-kaminari!” you shouted, forgetting you were in a library. everyone around you immediately shushed you to silence, making your cheeks turn red with embarrassment

you shot a glare at the blonde who was holding back his laughter, “i’m sorry (y/n), i couldn’t help myself. you fell asleep and the bells going to ring. can you look over my answers?”

you were still upset with the male, not angry or anything but you were still pouting about him shocking you. you looked over the paper as you grumbled about him shocking you awake

“well you passed, but this is the last time i’m helping you study.” the bell rung as you stood from the table, grabbing your things to walking to leave the library

the blonde panicked when you got up and did the same, “wait (y/n) i’m really sorry! i promise i won’t shock you, you’re the best and only tutor i have!”

hearing kaminari beg made you grin, of course you were going to get him back for earlier. you stopped in your tracks and looked back at him

“hm fine, but next time, you better be paying closer attention.” you squinted your eyes at him, trying your best to threaten him

he nodded quickly, “yes yes of course!” he was grateful you were going to study with him again, he wouldn’t want to study with anyone else anymore

“kaminari...you left your things in the library and class is going to start soon...”

“huh? oh crap!” you laughed as you watched the blonde scramble back to the library to grab his things. who knew studying could be so eventful?

katsuki bakugou

ok we all know that bakugou is smart, like he look like the type to slack off. but when he says he wants to be the best, that includes grades

this guy is actually a nerd, like funny how you call deku a nerd when you’re a big one yourself bakagou

and the two of you compete, with training, with grades, with like almost anything you can compete with

so when the class came back from a long day of training, to get their quiz scores from the previous week, you were devastated to see that you barely got a passing grade

usually you got high grades but this new section of math, definitely had you struggling. you just couldn’t quite get it right

bakugou was definitely proud of his high score and turned to you, wanting to know your score. so that he could flaunt it in your face that he did better then you, since he usually did only slightly better

“hey dumbass, guess who got a higher score than you again.” he showed you his paper, a proud grin plastered on his face. you didn’t even pay attention to him, still distraught about your score

seeing that you didn’t even notice, the blonde just got more annoyed. “hey idiot don’t just ignore me.” he snatched the paper out from your hands, to see what you got, but once he saw your score he went silent for a moment

that’s rare

bakugou started to laugh, catching you off guard. why was he laughing? were your bad grades actually funny to him?

“i can’t believe it, you turned into an ACTUALL dumbass!” he calmed down from his laughter, only to tease you of course. this just annoyed you, causing you to pout at the spiky blonde

“yeah well maybe it’s your fault for calling me dumbass and idiot all the time.” you retorted, stealing your paper back and stuffing it in your bag.

bakugou just rolled his eyes at you, “yeah whatever shitty girl.” he packed up the rest of his things and headed out of the classroom.

you also grabbed your things and followed beside the male, it was just an unspoken aggreement that you two walk to the dorms together

actually at first he yelled at you for following him, but now he just doesn’t care and maybe just maybe enjoys your company

you know you need help on the current math section, and you know the next math test will have half of it’s problems about it

you also know that the person who can probably help you, is also the same person who laughed at your bad grade

so when you guys arrive at the dorms you know what you have to do. “bakugou,” you start, which made him glance over at you briefly, “please help me with math!”

bakugou stopped walking to look at you, you were seriously asking for his help? “as if idiot, why should i help my competition?”

“well didn’t you say it’s not worth winning if your opponent is not giving it their all?”

awe shit, you got him there

bakugou growled under his breath, angry that you were right. “fine fine! besides it’s annoying hearing you whine so much.” he grumbled under his breath as he walked too his dorm room.

“HEY I DID NOT WHINE!”

you ended up going to your dorm to change out of your uniform, then went to bakugou’s so that you could study

you entered his room and saw that he had prepared everything already, a cushion was set out for you and his notes were all organized. man you really had fallen for a nerd

the next two hours went as following:

“it’s literally so easy you idiot.”

“JUST REMEMBER THE EQUATION DUMBASS”

“can you even read?”

“bAKUGOU IF YOU HIT ME WITH THAT NEWSPAPER ONE MORE TIME I WILL GO LORD EXPLOSION MURDER ON YOUR ASS”

bakugou may have thought that last one was hot

but finally after yelling and dealing with bakugou LITERALLY trying to whack the math homework into your head, it finally clicked

“god it took you long enough dumbass, now hurry up it’s almost eight.” you shot a glare at bakugou but sighed, not wanting to argue you anymore

bakugou was also a little proud of you for working so hard, BUT YOU HEARD NOTHING FROM ME

you were getting tired yourself but you wanted to finish the last few practice problems to make sure you got it down

you rested your head against your offhand, continuing to work out the equations and such. your eyes were starting to feel pretty heavy and before you knew it you passed out

today you were more exhausted from usual because of a particular rough day of practice, and you were partenered with bakugou for sparring. he did not let you get off easy

bakugou heard the thud from when your head fell against the table, worried for a brief moment before he saw you were just sleeping

“they really fell asleep...oi wake up, you’re not sleeping in my room.” bakugou pokes you with his pen, continuously doing so until he got annoyed since you weren’t wake up

he grumbled under his breath about how you were such a pain in the ass and such, you know. the usual.

the spiky blonde sat there, wondering if he should leave you or not. but seeing as you weren’t waking uphe decided it would be better to move you

bakugou let out a soft, woah he can be soft, sigh as he easily picked up your sleeping body. he walked over to his door and peeked out first, making sure the coast was clear

no way was he going to get caught carrying you back to bed like a NICE person, oh no he’d rather jump off ua

as he walked over to your room he couldn’t help but watch you sleep. how could you be so peaceful after he kept trying to wake you up

also, how were you still able to making his ears turn all red, even though you’re just sleeping. maybe it’s because you’re so close to him, or the fact that he’s holding you

goodness this just fueled his anger for his crush on you, no way he’d let you win his heart so easily. but it was already too late for that

bakugou was distracted, so when todoroki asked him what he was doing he was caught off guard

and this idiot DROPPED YOU

with being dropped you finally woke up, your back and butt hurting from the impact but it was nothing lasting

bakugou whipped around and started to yell and shout and poor todoroki, about how he shouldn’t scare people and that he was a stalker and...

todoroki was in for an earful, poor boy

well actually poor you, because you were sat on the floor in utter confusion. weren’t you just studying? it took you a moment to connect the pieces

and it it took you seconds for your cheeks to flare up from realizing that bakugou was carrying you moments ago!

you didn’t get to ask bakugou about it because he was still yelling at todoroki, only for him to stomp away angrily when he was satisfied

todoroki was unfazed and went to help you up, asking if you were ok and such. you were fine and went to your room so that you could finally sleep

you were definitely planning on trying to study with bakugou more, and maybe even try to find a way for him to carry you again

[procrastinatorproject]

Fic writer review, thank you to @thelaithlyworm  for the tag <3

how many works do you have on AO3?

Ten? Oh no, it’s actualy 12 now!

what’s your total AO3 word count?

86,468

how many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Grand total of 1: Star Trek: Picard - although my latest offering might branch a bit into other Trek as well.

what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

“Passengers”

“And a Barrel of Gagh”

“CMO’s Log”

“Preparations”

“Game Night”

Which is actually kinda interesting. I wrote Passengers, Preparations, and Game Night while the fandom was still a lot more active (especially in the Aramis in Space corner), so that makes sense. The CMO’s log has had chapters added every few months, giving it probably the most exposure of any of my fics. Barrel of Gagh, though? I think I’m gonna attribute that to Thimblerig turning it into a truly, TRULY brilliant piece of podfic. Also the fact that it’s whump involving a character played by Santiago Cabrera. ‘tis A Thing..... :D

do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I really try to! I love talking with people in the comments and just... thanking the people who found the time and energy to leave comments. But especially in the last few months I have gotten very bad at keeping up with the comments and now there’s about two dozen that I have neglected to reply to for a painfully long time 🙈

But I will get there! Because I love that kind of interaction!

what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

So far, none of them have had angsty endings. Angsty middles, yes, but not endings. I’m just a sucker for everyone being happy in the end. Or at least on the way to being better, and supported and cared for on that way.

do you write crossovers? if so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I haven’t yet, but I’m definitely not opposed. One of the threads of my 200k unpublishable whump scenes takes place in a continuity that has existed in my daydreams for... I wanna say six years at the very least, probably longer. It’s mostly straight-up Star Trek, but with the twist that it involves the Wraith, the telepathic, hive-minded alien race from Stargate: Atlantis that suck the life force out of you with their hands? Or, well, at least a variation thereof.

I once typed up the world building for that particular setting and it took me three hours to try and make it all make sense. So it’s... involved. But not necessarily “crazy”. And I’m not sure I’m ever actually going to publish any of the stories I have set in it (not least because that would envolve finishing any of them and bringing them into a form that is interesting to read for anyone but me...)

have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nope.

do you write smut? if so what kind?

Hm, not yet. I do enjoy reading smut, but only under very specific circumstances. I think I may eventually try my hand at smut, but the inner prude is still very strong. Writing about Rios and Xyr making out (which, honestly, was really tame, all things considered) made me melt in a puddle of blushing embarrassment, so full-on smut is probably beyond me at the moment. One day!

have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. Though litigating that in a fandom like ours would be... tricky. ST:Pic is way too small to steal stories outright. But similar or the same ideas pop up all the time. And it’s a complete coincidence. Reading the book that recently came out and that has a kinda similar setting to a lot of my stories (pre-season 1, early in Rios’s history as captain of Sirena, dealing with original characters, holo shenanigans, friendship with Raffi, etc.), I was struck by just how many elements, both scenes or story beats and little details, were similar to things that have cropped up in my writing. And it is entirely coincidental, because I am beyond certain that the author doesn’t read fanfic. Just... for legal reasons. Not to mention I wrote a bunch of the things I saw parallels to while the book was already in production, and some of them are only in my drafts.

So there is a ton of convergent evolution going on in this particular section of the fandom, and trying to litigate who came up with certain plot ideas or character beats when would be a sysiphean disaster. Some things are clear and whenever I use any of them I give credit where I can, but people will have very similar ideas. It just happens. So no, I haven’t had either a full-on story or “an idea” stolen, and I might change my tune if it ever does happen, but so far, I’m trying to practice equanimity, so I’ll be better at it should I ever need it.

have you ever had a fic translated?

Sadly no. My dad keeps complaining that all my fic is in English so he can’t read any of it, but honestly? I’m kinda glad for this very convenient excuse. Maybe if I ever feel like I want to practice my interpreting skills, I will give translating the stories into German a shot. We’ll see. Otherwise, if anyone feels inspired: Have at it! Just let me know, okay?

have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not quite. I have a draft of off-the-cuff worldbuilding that I wrote on Discord with @curator-on-ao3 and that I would love to turn into an actual short fic (letters from a conference on holo-ethics), but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.

what’s your all time favorite ship?

I don’t really do shipping.

what’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I WILL NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT!!!! One day, I will write the next installment of Star Trek: La Sirena! I have so many ideas for that continuity and those characters. I’m not going to abandon them!

what are your writing strengths?

Hmmmmm. Probably detailed worldbuilding? Ask me something about, say, a technological or cultural aspect of Star Trek and chances are, I have thought about it in the past or will come up with three different sets of intricate lore within half an hour. (Things like... the architecture of San Francisco, or Will there still be taxi drivers? or the treaty between IKEA Intergalactic and the Borg Collective, or the Universal Translator, or Emergency Services or Why There Are Very Few Ambulances On Earth Anymore etceterah etceterah...)

I’m also good at slapping together off-the-cuff plot ideas (if, say, you need an explanation for how Seven and Agnes ended up stranded on a desert island, I could probably give you three different scenarios pretty quickly. Just don’t ask me to make them poignant or actually write them.

I’m also very, very good at beginnings.

what are your writing weaknesses?

Everything that isn’t a beginning. Especially endings, or rather: finishing something, but also just... keeping momentum.

I think my dialogue is somewhat samey and not distinct enough between characters. (Also my witty banter is... let’s just say it doesn’t come to me naturally...)

And I also struggle with keeping things brief and to the point. I can write you 30k of whump covering a span of three hours, but fitting a whole story in the same space? Much more difficult!

I have also avoided writing full-on action so far, but where it has crept in it has always been a struggle and been workshopped a lot with the indefatigable beta.

Otherwise, I don’t know. My self-perception is always a little warped, so I’m not sure what other people would say my weaknesses are.

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Oof. Well. I have used Spanish sentences in my fic and done the thing where they’re translated in the end note, but I’ve mostly done it sparingly. I’ve also done the ‘“What do you want?” he said in Spanish.’ It’s tricky. But I will likely keep doing it in some instances, even if it’s a bit annoying.

(It also really helps to have a native speaker of Spanish as a beta, even if it’s Spanish from a different region than you’re character.)

Speaking of regional: I’m also torn about the whole “phonetically writing out accents” issue. Some people love it, some people hate it, I’m really unsure because I’m not a native speaker of English, so I’m not even sure I’m consistent in my narrative voice’s regional quirks. So far, I’ve mostly gone with describing that an accent is happening, and only writing out when phrasing actually differs from standard English. Like Ian (Scottish) saying “dinnae” but not writing “I” as “ah” as you’d see on, say, Scottish twitter.

Though it can be a very useful tool if, for instance, you want to indicate a characters accent getting stronger as they get tired or upset. 🧐

Anyway, I don’t think there is one right or wrong answer here and everyones milage will vary.

what was the first fandom you wrote for?

Published? ST:PIC

Actually first? Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. Pretty much simultaneously, though I did write more for LotR. On graph paper, mind, with my fountain pen turned upside down so I could write smaller. I still have folders worth of those stories that I urgently need to digitize before they fade and I lose them forever...

what’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I’m going to quote @thelaithlyworm here: I Love All My Children Equally! I honestly couldn’t say. They are different and I love them for different reasons but I love them all.

Thank you for the tag! ❤ I’ve kinda lost track of who all has done this already or has already been tagged, so feel free to ignore me! But I tink I’m tagging @curator-on-ao3, @aini-nufire, @29-pieces, @flowers-creativity, @highfunctioningflailgirl, @cristobalrios and @the-goofball. And anyone else whom I forgot or who feels inspired to do this!

[buttercupbuck]

2021 fic year in review 🌟

tagged by @woodchoc-magnum @cinematicnomad @extasiswings and @elisela 🧡ilysm guys! 

Total Number Of Completed Works: 9

Total Word Count: 91,185

Fandoms I’ve Written In: 9-1-1

Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected? 

less, for sure. i had started out as solely a writer in fandom back in 2020 and only picked up gif-making in march of this year, but i think before where i would’ve sat down and forced myself to work on wips, gif-making became another creative outlet that i could also say something through. which - is nice, and i love gif-making a lot, but i also miss committing myself to writing and expressing things in it that i can’t really through gifsets

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year? 

oh hm. i feel like i always answer in a week because it’s my baby, but for the sake of switching it up, it’s probably either the and it’ll follow you still series, or scope of the universe. for the latter in particular, i was always interested in the idea of buck thinking of himself as cursed, and how learning about daniel and his parents’ reason for bringing him into the world would shape that even more, so i really enjoyed the concept of this one a lot. and then agoraphobic!eddie is literally my beloved, so yeah. 

Did You Take Any Writing Risks This Year? 

writing smut, for sure. it wasn’t even a lot, just a few scenes that i wrote for in a week, but it was definitely still out of my comfort zone. i was worried that it would feel incredibly lacking and mechanical just because i don’t really feel those things, so a lot of it was kind of a shot in the dark. but as it turns out, reading smut for years helped more than i thought it would, and the scenes didn’t turn out terribly, which is all i needed. 

Do You Have Any Fanfic Or Profic Goals For The New Year? 

i really do want to write more and actually finish the palm springs au (which was probably my goal going into 2021 as well but shhh). i’m hoping hiatus will kinda get me back into it, but yeah! i also love doing small one-shots even though i still take ages on them, but maybe i’ll do some prompts or something just to get back into it. i’m not very good at motivating myself via internal pressure so maybe even just a smidge of external pressure would get me back on track lmaoo 

Most Popular Story Of The Year? 

in a week, but of the rest of my fics which are all one-shots, it was and it’ll follow you still, my agoraphobic!eddie fic. which i’m actually a little surprised by just considering how short it is, but i’m very happy about that 

Story Of Mine Most Under-Appreciated By The Universe, In My Opinion 

oh huh. i think for the most part all my fics do around the same, but i’ll say if i fell, a post 4.14 nightmare + introspection fic that i’m pretty proud of :)

Most Fun Story To Write

only the ocean and you. it was a lot of fun writing buck and eddie on their first date and doing the thing of going to a fancy restaurant and trying to make everything perfect just to end the night somewhere that’s more them (the beach, in this case). i love the ocean very much and idk there’s a feeling that’s very specific to the beach at night, so i had a good time trying to capture it and put buck and eddie in it as well 

Most Unintentionally Telling Story

probably and it’ll follow you still. *victoria justice voice* i think we’re all a little agoraphobic

Biggest Disappointment

honestly, none of them? i feel like relative to last year, i’ve become a lot less fixated on how my fics perform and all that, which is definitely a relief, to say the least. i still go through phases with how i feel about my writing, and while there are probably some things i would’ve changed here and there, i’m ultimately still pretty happy with the way they all turned out. 

Biggest Surprise

that i actually finished in a week, for sure. considering that i’ve spent the last few months on a singular one-shot that’s still only at about 1k now, it’s crazy that i managed to finish a nearly 80k fic at some point this year. 

My Favorite Part Of Fandom This Year

oh it’s been so fun i don’t even know where to start. the clowning over that one still from 4.08 where we were absolutely convinced buck and eddie were arguing, buddie roommates era, the weeks all around 4.13 and 4.14, eddie getting stuck in an elevator clowning, ethical conflict clowning, etc etc. like idk it’s truly so fun coming up with batshit theories and becoming 1000% convinced they’ll happen that i don’t even care when they never do. now i kinda wanna make a little ode to all of of our wrong theories, but for another time. but beyond that, i just love being very unhinged about fictional firefighters with my friends and everyone on here. like idk this year would’ve been so sad and boring without having made the friends i did and putting in the clownergy that i did, so yeah <33 good times were had all around

tagging: @evanbucxley @zeethebooknerd @littlespooneven @capseycartwright @deareddie and @paranoidbean (also sorry if you guys have already done this, i’ve been kinda off and on the last few days and may have missed it!) 

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (16/17)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Note: 

I know I said on tumblr I was planning on ending the story today and apologies for dragging this out longer.

The final chapter is already written out but editing is gonna take me an extra hour or so. Also, this week has been hectic, work especially has been very hectic since I'm covering a job for 3 people now while they hire. I ended up getting a little sick today so I decided to put off a lot of the asks and postings until Sunday.

I could post the final chapter earliest, tomorrow night. Latest, I'll be posting the final chapter is Wednesday. I wanna get it out soon but there are still a lot of stuff I'm hoping to fix up so, apologies for not meeting the expectations.

Thank you so much for reading though. It really means a lot to me. 

As always, feedback is very much appreciated.

“You can take a seat Hange.” Shela’s voice was gentle. She had taken her time pronouncing every syllable.

Still, something jumped inside Hange as she heard it. She gathered herself together and willed herself to make eye contact. “Sorry about that...I got a little distracted,” she said. She was starting to get a little self conscious. Did she actually jump? Was her tone too jittery? Were her eyes too wide?

The woman in front of her seemed unfazed as if she was watching Hange do something so normal as to just stare at the room in front of her for a long few seconds. Still, Hange avoided her gaze and looked around as she made her way towards the sofa.

Levi had only ever talked about how much of a hassle and how much of a pain the whole process of going to therapy was. Over time, he had started ditching the sessions altogether. Consequently, Hange had expected an atmosphere that would make her feel a little more restrained than what she had felt then.

It turned out just entering the room made her feel the complete opposite of what she had expected.

Shela’s office was more spacious than Hange had imagined it to be. Or more full of life.

Filled with too much life in a way that Hange couldn’t understand. But it seemed to hold more than the average doctor’s office she’d been to. Maybe it was the paintings on the wall or the wooden bookshelf that stood so tall and wide it was an omnipresent in the room.

Either way, it was comfortable and Hange chalked it to the rustic feel of the room. The ambiance was just too strange, the shades of the wallpaper, the rustic carpeted floor was too indulgent of her senses and she could have been taking a little more time than necessary to get to her seat.

It looked like Shela followed suit. By the time Hange had settled on the chair, Shela had still been on her way.

Shela leaned forward from her seat and reached out a hand in greeting. She seemed excited, too excited. “It’s nice to finally be able to talk to you like this, Hange Zoe,” she said.

That excitement in her voice was enough at least to pull Hange’s focus away from the ambiance of the room and towards the woman in front of her. A clear reminder that she was there for a reason.

Or two reasons. Hange corrected herself as she pulled out her file. “Thank you so much for agreeing to go through this with me,” she said. “Since Levi started having sessions with you, we kept in touch so at least we had some history beforehand… And given your background, I thought you might be the best person to give me some extra content on my thesis.”

“For your review of related literature?”

Hange nodded. “It’s not yet done. I did research already on the biological aspect but I thought you might have information on the psychological aspects of it…” She pulled out a folder from her bag and slid the file towards Shela.

Shela was quick to scan through the title. “Looks interesting. What made you pick this topic?”

“Many things...” Hange said. “I thought I would be able to help more people doing this type of thesis. And maybe I can take further studies and---”

“Does this have anything to do with Levi?” . Shela raised one eyebrow at her.

“Oh? Was it obvious?” Hange asked. She deemed it futile to have even denied it then.

Shela started to flip through the pages of the draft a little quicker. “It’s been a while since I’ve heard from him. He never replied to any of my texts.” She stood up, gesturing for Hange to continue talking as she made her way to the shelf at the back of the room.

“He went home,” Hange said. There was an awkward pause for a few seconds and she felt some inclination to fill it herself. “Back to his hometown,” she added. “He probably wanted to spend his birthday with them, or maybe Christmas. I guess this is a good time for him to go home… He---”

“So Hange, do you wanna talk about Levi? Or would you like to talk about your thesis?” The way Shela said it was far from abrasive.

From her position, Hange couldn’t even tell what face Shela was making. Yet she found herself a little shaken, particularly self conscious she was taking up precious office time. And for a few seconds longer, Hange struggled to find the right words. “There are things I wanted to ask about… Like definitely, I told you I need to discuss the psychological aspect and…”

“Well, from what I’m seeing, this didn’t need a session. I could have emailed you the pdf file of my thesis and just answered if you had any questions.”

Hange only noticed then as Shela walked back to her seat that she had pulled out two binders from one of the bookshelves.

“If you need any more sources for your thesis, you can read through this.” Shela placed the binders on the table and flipped to the last page of the thicker one. “And you can check through my bibliography for any more sources and I’m sure you’ll figure the rest out on your own. Levi told me you were a pretty good researcher growing up…”

Hange felt the blood rush to her face. That only made it harder to grasp for the right words. “When was your last session with Levi?” There were many other things Hange would have wanted to ask then. Her mouth just wouldn’t cooperate.

“A little more than a month ago. A few weeks before your finals. “ Shela answered. She rested her elbows on her lap, her chin on her hands.

“Finals ended more than two weeks ago. I was hoping he talked to you before he left.”

Shela shook her head. “No word from him.” She must have sensed the disappointment in Hange’s face because only a second later, she continued. “But maybe going home would be good for him. He might find someone to talk to there.” Her tone was cold, disconnected and it didn’t look like she believed it herself though.

“I know you would tell him to write, he told me that much about your sessions. But did he ever tell you about his stories?”

“Commander Zoe and Captain Levi?”

Hange nodded. “Oh, he did. You see, I wanted to talk to you about that. But I don’t know either whether or not I should be talking to his therapist about this...But I’m worried.”

“Why?”

“He deleted the file.”

If Shela was shocked, she didn’t show it. The only hint to any emotion in the room had been the short silence that followed. “I suspected he’d do that much,” she said.

“Suspect that much? Did he tell you something? Was there something wrong with his writing? Is he okay?”

Shela shook her head. “ I’m not in a place to tell.”

“Why did he get so attached to his stories? Why did it affect him so much that he couldn’t even accept a death?”

“I’m sorry Hange, I don’t wanna waste your time here so I’ll be upfront with you. What Levi and I talk about here stays between us.���

“I respect that.” Hange expected the answer, still she kept her tone long and drawn. She still found herself clinging to some hope that there was something Shela could share.. “I want to know though… Is this because of the injury? He lost a lot because of that and I know I was somehow involved with it but I just can’t shake off this feeling of guilt. ”

Shela sighed. “You know, I may not be able to tell you what we talked about. But I’m sure you know more about this than I do. You might even be able to contribute more insights to this discussion than I can,” she said. “Tell me Hange, what went on after our last therapy session. Did he really have finals?”

“Yes we did. I was busy too so I didn’t think too much of it then but the weeks leading up to finals are usually more hectic for any student….”

“Would you know if he still continued to write after the finals?”

“He did.”

“You seem sure.”

“He shared the document.” Hange started. She unlocked her phone and opened her drive document. It wouldn’t be there, she was sure of that but she could have saved it and it would have still been there. She forced a smile as her mouth threatened to curl down. Hange was still scolding herself for wasting such an opportunity. She let her phone fall carelessly on the coffee table in front of her and leaned back on the sofa. “So I got to read it.”

“Did Captain Levi really die?” Shela asked.

“No. Commander Hange did.”

“So before he deleted it, Commander Hange died?”

“That was the last chapter I read. Then an hour or so later, I confronted him about it, he asked me to leave me alone, then the next thing I know he deleted the file.” Hange leaned her head back on the backrest and stared up at the ceiling. “But you know, he didn’t want to believe that Hange died. She burned alive, he described it so vividly in his writing but he kept telling me, she didn’t die.

“Oh?”

“If someone burned alive, they should be dead right? Maybe there was a sequel to it that he just didn’t write yet.”

“But if Hange were alive, wouldn’t Levi have seen it through instead of doing something so rash as to delete the whole thing? Levi has a tendency of…”

Running away? Not processing things? Hange looked back at Shela and nodded slowly.

Shela seemed distracted. She was staring at something upward, mumbling to herself as if finding the right words to say. “Trying not to regret things,” she added a few seconds later.

“Regret… I noticed that. With the jumping and the injury but I wanted to ask you, if you think the story is somehow connected to how he’s processing his injury.”

“I have theories but they’re not mine to tell. Have you asked Levi yourself?”

Hange was almost tempted to laugh. That seemed like the only way her body knew how to process the last week alone in the dorm. She had sent three texts, a question about when he had gone home, a birthday greeting and a New Year’s greeting. “I don’t think he wants to talk to me anymore,” Hange said. She avoided Shela’s gaze. Somehow, her heart was racing then, her blood was rushing to her face much faster than usual and she found herself curling her fists into a ball, finding some semblance of control in them. Was she ashamed that Levi wasn’t talking to her? She shook her head. “But you know, I can try to talk to Levi.”

“What about this… I’ll contact Levi when he comes back. I’ll try to get his side of what’s been happening. Maybe I can even get him to reply.”

“Are you sure you can’t tell me anything now? Maybe even something vague. I can try to figure the rest out for myself,” Hange said. She couldn’t tell then if she had raised her voice.

Shela didn’t seem shaken at all. She shook her head again. “This is between me and my patients.”

Hange had integrity, she understood confidentiality clauses. She had been researching all her life though, and that side of her still continued to fight. Maybe if the hints weren’t all there, poking at her, just provoking, she would have given up much more easily “I just wanna understand it, I wanna understand him. Even if we don’t talk after this. Even if Levi wants to end this, you know I’m fine. I just wanna figure out for myself why he acted that way. I’m worried.”

Shela cocked her head to the side, her expression unchanging. “Believe me, I’m worried too but I can’t say much. Levi’s my patient and whatever we talk about in this room is between us.” She pushed the two binders on the table towards Hange and continued. “But I don’t want to leave you empty handed. I wrote two pieces for my dissertation which you might find useful, something personal and something professional, I can send over a copy of both of them to you over email. Or if you want a hard copy, you could have this photocopied in the library nearby. What do you think works for you?”

The digression had Hange’s lips trembling then. Shela knew things she didn’t for sure and Hange found herself tempted to even curse silently at that confidentiality clause.

She opened the cover to find the title page in black ink, in one of the most readable fonts.

Signs that suggest the reality of reincarnation and its manifestations in patients.

You got what you wanted. Hange thought to herself as she scanned the title page of the document in front of her. It was a cold and professional title. The researcher inside her should have been satisfied. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t ungrateful either. “Thank you, I’ll make sure to read it,” she said. It was still help anyway.

Another, much thinner book was pushed next to it.

Musings on a Past Life: Written by Kuchel Ackerman

“This is my own personal copy,” Shela explained. “It’s not something you should be emulating when doing research but… I thought it could give you some insight to your thesis.

“Okay, if I have some extra time, I’ll---”

No actually, let’s make this your little homework. I want you to read both pieces. And if you get a chance to talk to Levi again…”

Shela probably said something after that. At that point though, Hange was somewhere else. She had pulled the thinner document towards her and propped it on her lap, and scanned through it. She only had to read through the first paragraph on one of the final pages to understand why it wouldn’t have passed up as anything academic.

She wasn’t rattling off procedures, scientific speculations or statistical procedures. She was painting pictures of dark streets, cramped streets and a shabby one bedroom alone with a baby. She spoke of soft skin, a baby scent that never faded and illness. She reflected on loss, regret all manifesting in that last face she saw before she fell asleep for the final time.

A teary eyed face. A shaken voice begging at her not to fall asleep. And then nothing.

Maybe there was darkness, darker than the ceiling of the underground, darker than the room that had been hers and her child.

That was left to mercy of  Hange’s speculation.

It was only when she was alone in the dorm, two days after, did she reopen it. It had taken her more time than necessary to finish it and maybe it had been because she had ended up rereading whole paragraphs, flipping pages back more times than she could count.

And it was only then, after finishing that personal file did she feel compelled enough to read the official output.

She opened a page, towards an introduction, a foreword or a message. Possibly all of those at once. But it connected so seamlessly to Kuchel’s own musings.

A False Bottom.

All humans feel. Even when they say they don’t, they feel something.

Human psyche is an endless blackhole of emotions, knowledge and experiences….

There are still things psychologists cannot comprehend about the human psyche. All we can do is endeavor to make sense of it…

With this thesis, the researcher proposes that one possible explanation for unpredictable bouts of emotion, out-of-character decisions, the phenomena of irrationality is the phenomena of reincarnation…

Manifestations of our past life.

“And maybe there are emotions that transcend our worldly experiences. Maybe there are emotions that transcend the constraints of time, place and life.. It’s just a matter of believing that false bottom exists and embracing it when it manifests itself.”

And how many times did Hange allow those words to echo inside her as she sifted through page after page. Enough times at least to have her open a blank document.

As she soon found out, it wasn’t easy at all to embrace the blank document. She was completely aware she didn’t have to open the blank document, she had a half filled one already, having started on her own thesis a while back.

But something had willed her to do just that. Something inside her that wanted answers to questions, and it begged for them,  clamored for them and Hange was starting to forget who even asked it. She? Or Kuchel?

Musings of a Past Life. Hange had typed out the title days ago already. Maybe it wasn’t easy because it wasn’t her past life to write. It was Levi’s past.

Or so that was what Levi claimed when he wrote it. “Ugh…. What the hell am I doing?” Hange removed her headphones, closed her eyes tight, inhaled then exhaled. “Okay Hange. You wanted to write this thesis for Levi right? You read his whole story. This should be easy.”

She just needed to write enough to remember his story. Enough to at least shoehorn him into her own thesis.

“And after that, you never have to think about him again,” Hange said. She opened her phone again and stared at the last sent message.

January 3 6:21 AM

Wanna talk when you get back?

“I wonder…. Did you talk to Shela?” Hange asked quietly, almost to herself. But Shela would have told her right? But what if Levi told her not to tell? What if he just wanted to cut it off already?

It was an idea Hange didn’t want to entertain just yet. Thesis was looming, graduation was hanging over her head like some sort of dark cloud. She didn’t have time to deal with heartbreak.

So in the wee hours of morning, Hange composed a quick last message to Levi.

January 5 2:23 AM

Hey, I’m sorry about everything. I should have been more sensitive to your needs. Even if you don’t wanna meet after this, it’s fine. I had a great time working with you and I’ll remember these past few months :D. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.

Just assure me please. Did you get to talk to someone? I hope you did. I was just concerned. But it doesn’t matter too much now. As long as you’re okay.

And the next few actions after that were automatic.

Settings. Profile. Ignore Messages.

She had more important things to think about then. She had to admit, her inbox was starting to look a bit better without that thread she was constantly checking that had a string of messages that had been so pathetically ignored.

That last decision and the last few actions leading up to it had sapped more energy from Hange than she had expected it to. Or maybe it was the dim light of the early morning and the small yet strong light of her lamp that had her realizing how exhausted she had been then.

She switched off the lamp and fell back on the bed. The impact had shaken her to the bone and Hange found herself sinking into the mattress. She was happy to let it swallow her then.

The night was surprisingly bright. Yet, at the same time it had been a dark night, she was sure. She traced the sources of the light on the ceiling above. The light painted triangles, squares and straight cut angles. There were spots from other sources, maybe where the moon bounced on some glass objects.

Hange was too exhausted to sit up to see those refractions for herself.

She may have been too exhausted then to type in front of a computer or even sit up in bed so instead, she continued to count spots, trace the dim weak rays in the ceiling of her room, as she traced them back to the wide window, all the way to the point where she would have to crane her head to see what lay beyond. She soon realized, she still wasn’t tired enough to doze off.

The gears in her brain continued to turn. And they had only started to turn faster with all the intricate patterns the moonlight had created as it shone through the wide window of her dormitory room.

Should she close the curtains so she could get a good night's sleep? That question only occupied her for a second or so before she thought of something else.

And maybe there are sensations that transcend our worldly experiences. Maybe there are emotions that transcend the constraints of time, place and life. It’s just a matter of believing that false bottom exists and embracing it when it breaks open.

But if these emotions transcended worldly experiences, if they transcended life, then they should be unfathomable, not worth the effort of understanding.

Hange though, had been a researcher for as long as she could remember. She had mottos. She had habits. She had unshakable ways of thinking.

Turning to her side was easy. It was a quick, comfortable movement and maybe she had done it to sleep better. Or maybe she had done it to just get a better angle of the stream of moonlight that entered through the window.

Her desk sat on a familiar angle. Her laptop was open but turned off. Her bag slung over the chair.

The stream from the moonlight shone over her canvas bag and down to the floor. It created a web of intricate patterns, patterns that had Hange hypnotized at that moment. They were angular yet they were round and it would have taken hours for Hange to trace them in her exhausted state.

Yet they were hypnotizing enough for her not to want to look away. So in an effort to keep up with the challenge the moonlight had given her at that moment, she continued to reflect as she traced at it with her eyes.

False bottoms. Sensations that transcend worldly experiences, Emotions that transcend the constraints of time and space.

“But if they are things that transcend human comprehension, then how do we make sense of them?”

Ironically, it had been in the most intricate of patterns that Hange saw the answer. It had been in something so mundane that Hange had to blink twice and question it for a second longer.

“Dreams?” Hange asked, barely a whisper.

If there’s something you don’t understand, go out and learn to understand it.

She didn’t understand Levi’s dreams. She didn’t understand how his mind worked. She didn’t understand the stories he had written out.

There were things she didn’t understand for sure but there were things she remembered.

And maybe all she needed to understand something, was the right amount of hints, the right amount of crumbs to make sense of it herself. Maybe all she needed was the review of related literature, the observations and her own analysis to write a conclusion.

The dreamcatcher hung aimlessly from her canvas bag like it always did. It had been something almost unnoticeable before. Only in the night when the moon shined on it, when it had etched a large shadow on the floor, possibly even a hundred times larger than the small keychain in her bag did Hange think about it again.

And she thought about it hard enough to reach for it from the side off her bed. She stretched her hand farther and farther and in the dark, her sense of distance may have been a little worse.

She thought she had been almost there and she was pulled back into that cruel reality in a single moment, with a loud painful thud.

“Ow!” Hange quickly got up, a result of that adrenaline rush from the harrowing experience of a painful fall from her bed. She unfastened the dream catcher from her bag, on the way back to the bed, she grabbed her phone, her earphones and sat on her bed.

That time, she eased herself onto the bed and under the covers.

She held the dreamcatcher above her, tracing the purple, the green. She knew they were purple and green but under the moonlight they seemed almost blue, and maybe she could have even mistaken the purple and green for one another.

Her only hint to the shades after all were the way they reflected the moonlight on themselves.

Eventually, her arms got tired, still aching from that painful fall. She slipped the dream catcher under her pillow and turned on her side. She put one earphone on her left ear, another on her right and she turned on her phone and shuffled her music.

The dormitory was silent with everyone gone for the holidays.

Eerily silent. She was used to living alone, it wasn’t anything new. But recently, she had frequently found herself missing him, maybe missing her parents, she started to realize the silence, the isolation that came with it was almost unbearable.

So maybe she had been listening to music, maybe she had been talking to herself a little more.

And those dreams, they probably would help. Hange thought to herself as she set her phone to her side, a good distance from the edge of the bed.

She had dreamt enough to know, she couldn’t control dreams. But if they did come, they would come in hints, puzzle pieces and maybe something she could easily write down in the morning.

So she willed them to come in that silent night. She whispered to Commander Zoe. She pressed that dream catcher one more time.

Hange closed her eyes, adjusted the volume of the music and evened her breathing.

The dreams would choose when to come, if they chose to come at all. All she could do was trust in them.

***

Levi would have liked to blame the snow for his inability to concentrate.

It was fucking loud. The patter came too randomly, Levi struggled to find patterns in it. For a few seconds at a time, the snow would patter on the window in big loud waves. Other times, the snow came in plip plops reminiscent of a rainy spring day. A few times, it shifted to something slow and gentle Levi could have used it to lull himself to sleep.

It was a piece of music on rubato, and the musician was just a little too keen on leaving his audience unhinged.

And just that quick thought at least absolved Levi of any blame. He didn’t feel too much self loathing then. Just utter frustration and maybe a pinch of sadness.

The document in front of him was just a mish mash black words on white paper and for the life of him, he couldn’t imagine they could be anything else. The top section was descriptive, very descriptive that he should have been able to do so much as to smell the whore house. He should have been able to grieve the loss of a mother.

But it was just black on white.

So Levi scrolled down three pages to find a source of investment elsewhere. He found vivid descriptions of life on a wheelchair, a frequented grave but for the life of him, he couldn’t even imagine the large tree above, or the vivid descriptions of airplanes on the blue sky.

But it was just words on paper.

“What do you think?” Hange asked. She looked at him expectantly. “It’s not a lot… I’ve just been working on this in between my thesis and I don’t have much going for me but my own memories… But I rewrote some bullet points while I was trying to remember it and I just thought you know if I put my own writings in between what you have so far...maybe it could help you process it.”

“Process... it?”

“But if you don’t wanna think about it, it’s fine.”

Remember? Levi wanted to remember. Those weren’t black pixels on white pixels, conveniently strung together to make symbols. They were vivid descriptions of another world, another life for sure. But why couldn’t he bring himself to invest in it… Anymore?

“Maybe I just need a break,” Levi set aside the laptop on the side table and leaned back on the bed.

“You’re tired, injured. You could even get sick,” Hange said. “I don’t expect you to think too much of it, I just thought it would help pass the time.” She looked away guiltily.

“I’m not angry about you forcing me to get my knee checked again. Jumping in the dead of winter with a sprained knee was a stupid move.”

“I know it was. But I also know you’re probably tired of hospitals already.”

“I am tired of hospitals. But you were right. When they tested my knee, it didn’t feel right. I’m pretty sure I tore something again.”

“It was swelling… And I knew we could have just iced it but, you know you jumped pretty high, you ran pretty fast, it’s kinda scary you did that with your knee... In the middle of winter of all times of the year? God---Levi, What were you thinking? Armin told me he’d stop by the field to pick up Mikasa’s things so you know if I didn’t go out to meet him just in case he got lost, I probably wouldn’t have made it. At least Armin had half the mind to text me when you wouldn’t listen to him…” Hange trailed off. “But I wish I had arrived earlier, maybe I could have stopped you.”

“You wouldn’t have convinced me not to jump,” Levi said.

“Why do you say that?”

“No one would have convinced me. I was dead set on jumping that one last time.”

“Why did you wanna jump?”

“Closure.” It was a simple answer to a simple question. But as Levi enunciated each syllable, he became a little self conscious about how pretentiously short that answer had been. It was closure, he was sure but there were layers to that answer he couldn’t comprehend for himself in that moment.

Hange seemed to sense it too. She narrowed her eyes at him and opened her mouth ready to speak before she closed it again and let her eyes fall on the hospital bed. “Couldn’t you find closure elsewhere? Did you have to risk your knee for it?”

“What do you know? ” Levi ran his eyes over his thighs and up to his knee propped on a few pillows. He started to feel the beginnings of guilt a second later. His intention never was to offend.

What do you know? That question had been for him.

You didn’t live your whole college life jumping only to end up in a state where you can barely walk. Was that what Hange heard? Maybe. She looked like she did. After all, she was blushing then. As if she had been aware of that slight vulnerability, she bit her lip, looked away and stretched out over the side of the bed to get back her laptop.

Levi felt obligated to reassure her. “You know I don’t intend to jump again. I wish I could. But I think that last jump helped me accept that that part of my life is over.”

“So, what next?” Hange asked. “Erwin mentioned you could get surgery to fix the partial tear.”

Levi shook his head. “And skip more school then hope I can jump again? The surgery isn't necessary. The knee can heal on its own.”

“But what about other---”

“Jumping opportunities? Other athletic opportunities? I said, that part of my life is over.”

“You had a lot of talent you know.”

“You’re not the first person to say that.”

Hange managed a smile, a smile that was far from happy. But at the least, it could be contagious. “Then it was an honor to see you fly that one last time Captain Levi.”

Levi could have sworn he saw something glisten as she crinkled her eyes, a supplement to her wry smile. “I was never the captain of my team. You know that,” he said.

“That wasn’t what I meant---” Hange had been meaning to finish, or at least she looked like it. The knock on the door though had been loud and it tore through that soft conversation.

Hange stood up from her seat and opened the door slowly.

“Erwin told me you too would be here. I finished up early today so I thought I’d pop in.”

Levi nodded in greeting. He had been too ashamed to say anything else. But he was determined at least to show some respect.

“It looks like you two are talking again. Doctor Erwin told me what happened and I thought…” The moment Kuchel made eye contact with Levi, her eyes widened. “Levi… You…”

Levi found himself particularly self conscious then, he looked down at his thick sweater, at his knee. “I sprained my knee again.”

Kuchel was quick to recover. “I noticed that much,” she said. “I was talking about…” She gave him a long awkward onceover. She shook her head.

She wasn’t the only one who seemed uncomfortable then. Hange hadn’t looked back at him since Kuchel had entered the room. Her whole disposition had somehow changed in that few seconds.

“You okay?” Levi asked.

Hange didn’t answer. She booted her laptop again and angled it towards Kuchel who had approached them and set a chair next to his bed.

“It looks like you managed to let go already Captain Levi.” Kuchel said, as she cocked her head to the side and smiled.

Captain Levi. The words whispered once again inside him, too softly Levi found it easy to brush it away. “You know, you were right. The emotions would leave on their own. It still hurts but I don’t see any reason to fight it if I know it’s gonna heal eventually. That’s how closure is supposed to feel like right?”

Shela shook her head. “Closure manifests differently for each person. But it’s normal to forget when you accept. Sometimes we find ourselves forgetting why we were ever sad at all. Or sometimes we just forget the details. Or sometimes it just feels like everything was all just a bad dream.”

“These past few months since the injury, they’re starting to blur together like some dream.” He turned to Hange who was starting to seem more and more uncomfortable. He chose that moment to reflects and he started to wonder why he had even avoided her in the first place. His next few words came out automatically “ I’m sorry what I did, and about our fight last month, I wasn’t angry about the injury if that’s what you think,” Levi said. The apology came out of nowhere, it felt misplaced. He started realize that maybe he should have given that apology much earlier.

Why then?

Hange had heard the apology for sure, but maybe she had just chosen to ignore it. “But Levi, you wrote these right? These dreams?” Hange said, as if she had taken his stare then as some cue to speak. She turned to Kuchel and to Levi, her movements seemed desperate then. She had at least kept some composure in her expression.

“I wrote them out,” Levi said. “But to be honest... I’m starting to forget why I did.”

"Emotions and dreams fickle things. They come and go when they please but sometimes we wanna keep them on record so we could relive it and process it. That’s why if you wanna grasp it and preserve it before it leaves... If you wanna be able to relive it, you have to write it down. This is why I ask all my patients to write things out. "

"Levi did." Hange turned to Levi. You wrote everything down right? You showed me a while ago, you wrote this and this… Shela, if they were his dreams, his emotions...he was writing it"

Shela’s expression was unmoving. "Those dreams weren’t supposed to be his. Maybe that's why they had been just a little more fickle. Who knows? Maybe Captain Levi just took it back already.”

“Why take it back?” Hange asked

“Maybe he fulfilled his unfinished business. Maybe he found closure.”

“But Levi you should have remembered writing it? You’ve been on it for months. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten these last three months right?”

“I haven’t,” Levi said reassuringly.

“Then why aren’t you thinking about it anymore. Why am I the one thinking about it for you?” Hange pressed. There was a crack in her voice and Hange looked ready to slam her laptop on the floor.

“I remember writing it. I’m just wondering for myself why I wrote it out in the first place. Maybe because I didn’t have much to do. I got injured, I was stuck at home and you know, those days in your apartment, those days stuck in the dorm, they just blended together.”

“But you weren’t just indoors… We went out to the mountains. You were telling me these stories and you were telling me how Commander Hange was like. Levi, I felt things. I remembered all of it. You can’t just leave me hanging like this---”

Shela cleared her throat, uncharacteristically louder than usual. “You know, you seem more relaxed now. How does it feel Levi? Does it feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders? Like you walk up from a bad dream?"

Levi nodded. "I'm just wondering why I'm exhausted."

“Of course you’re exhausted, you jumped while injured in the middle of winter. But relaxed is still a different feeling altogether, particularly compared to you the past few months. When I look at you now, you seem… freer?”

Freer? Levi shrugged. When had he ever been trapped?  

For a while the room had been silent and it was Hange who broke it. "Levi, I wrote everything out, about what happened to Captain Levi in the survey corps. You may have deleted the file but I remembered them. These were your stories. These were the dreams you had. Hell, if Kuchel’s theory is correct, these are memories from your past life."

To humor Hange more than anything, Levi reread the bullet points and the effort quickly proved futile. They were bullet points of events, they could have been a timeline that Levi couldn’t for the life of him make sense of it. And he found himself a little annoyed at her tenacity.

“You still have a lot to write Hange, even I can’t make sense of it,” Kuchel said from behind. She gave Hange a reassuring pat.

The pout on Hange’s face, the way it had darkened into something similar to disappointment, had Levi almost guilty. Her emotions ran deeper than disappointment, he was sure. And for a second or so, Hange seemed crestfallen, ready to leave the room. The only thing tying her to the room then could have been her own strong penchant for seeking answers,

“You think you’ll be able to write again?” Hange asked. She looked like she could have said more. It was as if squeezing out that one sentence had sapped all energy out of her.

Levi shrugged. “Maybe I will.”

“When?”

“When the inspiration comes again.”

***

When will the inspiration come again? Hange always asked good questions and if she asked a question that couldn’t be answered, she always had an explanation to follow. Or at the least, she knew how to phrase questions in a way that could get answers.

Levi couldn’t answer and Hange wasn't helping him either. The tense silence that followed, loomed exclusively over the two of them. Although the conversation had shifted to a dialogue between Levi and Kuchel, even when Hange had kept quiet, pulling her focus back on her laptop in front of her, or her phone, the tension never left.

Levi had attempted to cut at it by focusing on Kuchel. He had provided a long drawn out explanation of his own emotions for Kuchel and in return, Kuchel had provided a long drawn out interpretation of his explanations.

Maybe drawing the conversation out longer than expected was unnecessary. In the end, the only take home Levi had for himself then was that the past few months were a blur and any effort to make sense of it would be completely futile.

Kuchel left them both in the silence, mentioning something about another meeting. Alone in the room, in the tense silence continued to haunt. It was Hange who spoke up again asking that same question. “When will inspiration come again?”

“You sound pretty fixated on my inspiration. Maybe you should write the end for yourself then.” The sudden acceptance had Levi relaxing on the bed soon after Kuchel had left the room.

“It’s not about writing… This story in particular, it meant a lot to me too.”

“I’m sure it meant a lot. It meant a lot to me too but weirdly, I just don’t care about it as much as I used to.”

“What about us?”

“What do you mean ‘about us?’”

“About us… The past few things you were writing the story and you were talking about Commander Hange and Captain Levi. That was about us right?”

“You heard my answer to Kuchel, it was a blur.”

“No, I meant about us in the past few months. Are you angry with me? Do you want me out of your life?”

“You wanna leave?.”

“No it’s not that. It’s just…” Hange breathed out, shaking her head in disbelief. “You didn’t talk to me for weeks.”

Levi looked away, hiding the wince in his face. “I told you, I’m sorry I don’t even remember why I did it.”

“So do you want me here?”

“Yes, I don't want you to leave, I thought it was obvious.”

“Well it looks like it wasn’t so obvious, I thought you’d want me to leave. You didn’t reply to any of my messages and I remembered, we’ve only known each other for months.”

“I think 'months' are more than enough for me to realize that I want you here. For a long time. Maybe longer than that.” Maybe even forever.

Did he say that ‘forever’ part out loud? He didn’t expect Hange’s smile then.

Her eyes were wide open, her lips curled up into a big smile. The overall expression on her face had seemed unreadable. She could have been mocking him, she could have been freaked out or she could have been that good balance between surprised and happy “So what are you saying? We’re soulmates?” She asked.

“You don’t believe in soulmates,” Levi said. The facade of disconnect was hurriedly done, consequently, it felt almost shoddy.

“Fate?”

“You told me yourself, you don’t believe in fate either.

“I don’t.”

“It was a choice right? Everything that brought us to this point was all just borne of choice. You made the choice to work for me, I made the choice to cooperate and here we are.” Levi felt a hand slip under his and it grabbed him from underneath. Levi didn’t have to look down to comprehend it, Hange’s face had said it all.

“But you know, I’m starting to believe in this abstract thing called soulmates. And this other abstract thing called fate,” she said

“Aren’t you a researcher?”

“I have the evidence, Levi. Someone has been coming into my dreams too and she’s been telling me about you.”

“You know, they must have been some really good dreams if they convinced you to believe in them.

“They were. They really were. And you know what, they only keep coming.”

Levi had closed his eyes long before then. And the patter on the window had mellowed to something rhythmic and along the way it had softened altogether. Whether it had been due to the even patter or through her own volition, Hange had stopped talking, her breath had evened out.

And when Levi started to dream again, the shift had been too gradual, too kind. The dreams weren’t loud, they didn't demand attention. They didn’t make themselves known. When Levi opened his eyes again, the idea that he had fallen asleep had seemed almost surreal, unbelievable.

“You can go back to sleep,” Hange said. She seemed focused on something on her laptop again.

Levi looked out the window, the sky was dark but the snow continued to fall.

“Erwin told us we could stay another night.”

“Why?”

“We’re completely snowed in.”

“Okay,” Levi said. He had attempted to go back to sleep and it had only proved frustratingly unsuccessful. The confusion at having the view by the window so suddenly shift from sky blue to complete black still had him disoriented.

So he found orientation in Hange’s concentrated look then and the white of the screen reflected in her glasses. Even behind the glare, her long lashes were noticeable, her hazel brown eyes could still be traced, the shades of brown discerned. So he continued to looked, and he had managed to pass the time much more quickly.

“How are you feeling?” Hange asked as she looked up at him. The glare of the screen disappeared from her glasses and Levi found himself unable to respond for a second longer as he appreciated the unmarred view of her eyes then.

It was a lucid view of her then that sent a pang of regret through him. It was quick and if Levi didn’t let it wash through him then, if he didn’t give it full control over him in that moment, maybe he would have never remembered it happened, maybe he would have never remembered to appreciate Hange then.

“I feel like I just had one long dream,” Levi said. maybe the dreams could have explained the slight pang of regret then. But they were too far off already for Levi to look back on. So he surrendered quickly and kept silent.

Hange didn’t hesitate to take the reins of the conversation. “I was writing.”

“About what?”

“About your dreams. I'm trying to remember what else you wrote.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t think you ever gave names to the two titans you caught for me."

Titans? Levi couldn't follow the conversation. With nothing else much to contribute, he nodded.

Hange continued. “So I named them myself.”

“What did you name them?” Levi asked, an attempt to humor her more than anything.

Hange’s face had curled to a smile as she spoke and she opened her mouth a little bit, exposing her teeth underneath. She seemed to be enjoying it. “Their names are Sonny and Bean"

Somehow, Levi was starting to get invested too. “Hey Hange, since we’re gonna be stuck here for a while, maybe you can tell me what a titan is.”