#I debated leaving in the real-world history stuff but I think it sets the tone of my analysis pretty well and shows the importance of--

[red-moon-at-night]

An Analysis of Haruka’s MVs: Distance and Disability

Hello! I’ve recently fallen down the rabbit hole that is Milgram and I have been itching to make some completely normal and sane analysis posts. My silly alternate title for this was gonna be “Things About Haruka’s MVs That Just Make Sense: A Hyperfixation-fuelled Analysis”, because honestly my autistic brain has been having a field day over here.

I am in awe with just about every single music video in this project; the animation is incredible and each one packs so much carefully laid out information. But I have been rotating Haruka’s in my head constantly since I first watched them, and I have a lot of Thoughts. Not about whether he’s guilty or innocent/forgiven or unforgiven. Not about whether or not I can justify his murders. Just some straight up imagery and symbolism analysis, through the lens of disability.

Haruka’s disability has not been specified, but I am confident we can at least say he is neurodivergent. I feel like the cultural differences in names for several things e.g. ‘learning disability’ vs ‘learning difficulty’ will just invite unnecessary drama, and is a little pedantic. What does matter here is that Haruka's experience as a disabled person is heavily intertwined within his story and his motives. 

So, without further ado... let’s get into this!

Trigger warnings/TW: I will be discussing ableism, eugenics and harm towards disabled people. Everything else will be related to the music videos ‘Weakness’ and ‘All Knowing and All Agony’, so any triggering content within them may also be mentioned. Read at your own discretion and stay safe!

Disability: some brief (important) historical context

It is only within the last few decades that those who are disabled have been ‘seen’ for the first time. A modern society is (ideally) expected to be built to include and accommodate for disability, and to acknowledge disabled people’s existence. But for many countries (even the ones making steps outlined above) this is still not the case. For a very, very long time, globally, that has not been the case.

For most disabled people, society makes it very clear that they are a burden to it and are better off not existing. 

I’m going to make this section as succinct as possible because...it’s heavy stuff. But it’s important, and I want you all to get the gist of what I’m saying. The weight of it.

Let’s highlight a piece of history regarding IQ and eugenics, surrounding the publication and subsequent worldwide reception of ‘The Kallikak Family: A Study in the Heredity of Feeble-mindedness’ by Henry Herbert Goddard in 1913:

“In 1927, it was used as evidence in the case of Buck v. Bell, which culminated in a Supreme Court ruling that the involuntary sterilization of ‘mentally defective’ persons was not unconstitutional in the United States. By 1938, thirty-three US states had passed laws allowing for the forced sterilization of women with learning disabilities and twenty-nine had made sterilization  compulsory for people who were thought to have genetic conditions. Many European countries followed suit: Denmark in 1929, then Norway in 1934, and after that Sweden, Finland, Estonia, Iceland, Czechoslovakia, Yugoslavia, Latvia, Hungary and Turkey.”

— Limburg, J. (2021) Letters To My Weird Sisters: On Autism and Feminism, p. 126

This history of a ‘sterilization law’ includes Japan, who between 1948 and 1996 enacted the Eugenics Protection Law which “authorised the sterilization of people with intellectual disabilities, mental illnesses or hereditary disorders.” According to the government, about 25,000 were sterilized.

SO. It’s important to bring this up. To establish how much disabled people are not wanted, just from their governments. Let alone society. To this day, disabled people are hidden away from the public by families that are ashamed of their existence.

Japanese culture values collectivism, and maintaining the harmony of a group...to the extent of excluding those that don’t fit into the mould. That are different.

The question is: where do they go? The ones that are publicly rejected?

Haruka and The Curious Case of Distant Waters

Okay that’s enough of the heavy real-world stuff! Time to delve into some...*checks notes*...heavy fictional stuff. Fun!

Haruka’s MVs prominently display themes of distance and separation through the motif of water, specifically being submerged underwater. 

The name Haruka reinforces this concept as the specific kanji used (遥) translates to ‘distant’, ‘remote’ or ‘far away’. As there are many, many kanji choices for the name (including but not limited to: ocean/sea, eternity/permeance, clear/distinct/obvious, and spring/growth/cherry blossom) it feels like a particularly cruel and intentional choice to go with that one.

Through the exploration of this motif, we can see the extent in which Otherness/the state of being ‘Other’ drives Haruka to great lengths to close the distance and escape it.

What I noticed throughout both MVs (particularly AK&AA but note the beginning scene of Weakness), is that whenever Haruka looks at himself in a reflective surface (e.g. the vanity mirror, the fish tank), water either begins to rise and overwhelms him, or is already there and he appears submerged:

I think this is the “All-Knowing” part of AK&AA. He knows he’s different, and he knows there’s a huge ocean between him and his peers, his family, everyone. A disconnect when trying to listen and understand, but also when trying to be understood by others and listened to himself.

You know when you submerge your head in water, and your hearing gets all muffled and incomprehensible? And have you ever tried speaking underwater? You can’t, because if you open your mouth you’ll drown. It’ll just come out as bubbles rising to the surface.

I also think the bubbles symbolise rising tension, between what he wants and what he currently has. Bubbles are everywhere in these MVs, even in places where they shouldn’t logically be? Such as this scene, following the line “don’t wipe me out, don’t wipe me out”:

Immediately pans up to Haruka gasping for breath, droplets of water rising from...somewhere. For about a split second, and they’re gone. 

This boy is really going through it. I’m getting an ‘emerging from the ocean before I drown’ vibe from this one folks. When the line that follows this scene is “I can’t stop, I can’t stop”, what I’m REALLY hearing is “I can’t stop (killing) or I’ll drown”. This is his lifeboat, pulling him out from the depths of being neglected and hidden away, into the spotlight.

Some interesting images from Weakness in relation to that (of spotlights):

Anyways, onto the next point:

Blue to Orange: Water to...Nectar?

So, the orange liquid. It’s clearly representing blood, but I don’t think this is just a “danganronpa pink blood” situation of censoring/getting this video onto youtube without restrictions.

I think it’s most likely honey, specifically nectar.

The etymology of the word nectar shows its compounds translate to “death” and “overcoming”. Nectar is also called the drink of the gods, so it would make sense for it to be a ‘death-defeating’, immortalizing liquid.

For Haruka’s victims to contain nectar is very interesting. It reinforces that necessity to kill, to take the life of another, to sustain himself. To overcome the ‘living death’ he is experiencing by being hidden away from society. 

This is his means of escape from drowning.

However, as we all know, things don’t turn out great for him. By the end of AK&AA Haruka is rejected once again by his mother, after which the door is shut (the light with it is gone too) and we’re met with this imagery:

The nectar floods the room, engulfing him much like the water from earlier. 

There are many things we could take from this. One being that the nectar-gathering/killing-spree has clouded his vision; it’s so sweet, so sickly sweet and he’s addicted to the taste of attention, even if it’s very bad attention. 

Who else has honey imagery in their MV again?

Oh, right. 

Anyway, the nectar/honey situation could also be representing submerging into an even further level of distance. All that murder is gonna push people away, despite his motive being to close the gap between him and normal people. The 'ocean’ has lost clarity and become a maddening, delusional substance. After all, there is a type of honey literally called ‘mad honey’ known for its medicinal and hallucinogenic properties.

That’s enough about honey, though. Let’s move onto less unfortunate... oh, sorry, what was that? *checks notes*...Ah, yes. I meant to say, let’s move onto even more unfortunate symbolism:

The Necklace

So, this necklace. Haruka steals it from his mother’s belongings, and is his only material, physical connection to her. It is taken on the declaration of “making (her) love me again” and getting her attention once more, now he is no longer a child but a teenager closer to adulthood (at least, that’s what I consider the ‘shirt with a vest sweater and tie’ to represent. child him = the blue polo, teenager him = this one, adult him = an amalgamation of his teenager clothes).

I wasn’t sure if this was an opal or pearl/mother of pearl, but I’m leaning towards opal from the other depiction of it in Weakness:

Opals are fun because they can symbolise both good luck and bad luck, usually to do with whether it’s your birthstone. There’s something to be said of Haruka’s belief in his ‘misfortune’ and the superstition surrounding these gemstones.

But they are even more interesting for the powers they supposedly have; in medieval times the opal was considered the ‘patron of thieves’ for their ability to grant the wearer invisibility.

There is a deliciously sad irony to Haruka’s theft with that titbit of information.

Now, if this isn’t an opal, and it’s a pearl/mother of pearl there’s still some fun interpretation to be had! A little less sad, even. Pearls invoke strong imagery of the sea, of purity, and of a connection to the maternal. If this is the last thing he has relating to his mother, I can see this necklace representing a lifeline when he’s deep in the ocean. A reminder of why he’s doing all of this killing, and who it’s for.

His mother’s attention (or the idea of having a mother at all, any mother) is his driving force in life.

Speaking of that...

So We Really Need To Talk About That Fish Tank: AKA, Why Haruka’s Mom Wins ‘The Worst Parent of The Year’ Award

This fucking fish tank.

Okay, I’m gonna start by saying: I don’t think this is reading too far into things. When it takes an animation team months, sometimes years to create a 3-5 minute music video, and one as detailed as this...you don’t just wing it. There are storyboards, there are key frames and there are choices made down to the smallest of details.

From the sheer volume of animal/insect/fish décor that resides in the Sakurai household, you bet I’m gonna pay attention to what type of fish are in that fish tank.

For one thing, they live in saltwater. This is a marine tank, aka the harder choice of aquarium to have. I mean, way, WAY harder. For the experienced only.

These fish right here? One is a clownfish, and the other is a yellow boxfish.

Boxfish are a nightmare to keep alive. This article goes into more detail than I will, but all you need to know is: if there was ever a fish out of all the fish you could possibly want in your tank, this is the one to avoid like the plague.

They release deadly toxins when stressed, as a survival instinct. Boom. All your fish are dead. They need to eat a shit ton of food, but are notoriously clumsy swimmers and slow eaters. Boom. Starving, stressed out boxfish. Boxfish either dies from starvation or dies from stress and toxins.

For Haruka’s mom to have not just one of these fuckers, but a tank consisting ONLY OF MULTIPLE BOXFISH AND CLOWNFISH...

This is a high-maintenance tank. And it shows how much time and effort, how much care she puts into the things she loves.

How neglectful she is as a parent of a disabled child in contrast.

There’s something about the last scene between Haruka and his mother that reinforces this for me:

Haruka’s relationship with animals and himself: AKA, “why don’t I just become the damn fish tank?”

Let me backpedal a little bit. This subheading will make sense in a minute.

So, like I said earlier we have a lot of décor in this house relating to insects and fish. We also have a lot of pets. Both living and dead, taxidermized creatures in one household, proudly on display.

I think this may have created some confusion for Haruka regarding the value of animals being alive or dead, as in his perspective his mother values both equally. The fish in a tank may be full of alive creatures, but they’re still on display as if it’s artwork. Isn’t breaking the glass of a framed picture of a fish equal to breaking the glass of a tank with a ‘picture of living fish’?

(This isn’t to say Haruka is clueless to the impact of his actions, nor to justify any harm to animals. I just find the train of thought to be intriguing.)

So when considering these ‘objects’ are proud trophies of his work:

This is a carefully arranged display, which by the way, doesn’t contain a single fish. In fact the only piece of that moment visible here is the...large piece of driftwood? Okay. Keep that in mind.

We proceed into Haruka’s mother opening the door and seeing her son, for the first time in any of the MVs. Note the way they composed this shot:

I’m obsessed with this scene. The blue eye framing Haruka, with a literal fishbowl effect on him...

He is the goddamn fish in the aquarium now. His mother’s full attention is on him and him alone, with only the dead animals, the books, the lamp and the driftwood as window dressing to this wonderful display.

Doesn’t it just scream “Look at me! Look at what I did, mom!” to you?

That blue spotlight is on him once more. He is not just drifting deeper into an endless ocean, but contained in a vessel to be stared at.

One Last Observation

I didn’t know where to fit this in but I think the end feels appropriate.

His clothing here:

Is a frankenstein-esque mash up of clothes from his younger years. He wears this throughout AK&AA, and as I mentioned before it signifies him as an adult. However, I should clarify what I mean here as Haruka says “he thinks he’s 17″ and “doesn’t care about his age”. So... not an adult, but on the cusp of adulthood.

But I think he actually does care about his age, and quite a lot too.

This outfit feels symbolic of refusing to let go of the past, and of himself as a child. He’s literally grown out of his clothing, but he still clings onto it. He’s attached to the past because it not only contains his happiest moments, but the change from being loved to becoming neglected.

As a disabled person, you’re often treated with a lot more forgiveness when you’re younger. That is to say, some people don’t realise that children with disabilities grow up into adults with disabilities. There is a point where even support from medical and social services drops off like a cliff edge once you turn 18.

The ill-fitting clothing in this context becomes more than a reflection on Haruka’s feelings, and extends to reflecting society’s feelings on disabled adults ‘refusing to grow up’.

I don’t blame Haruka for holding onto his childhood like this. He’ll be even less publicly visible and seen once he is no longer a pitiful child, but a ‘weird’ adult in ill-fitting, children’s clothes.

[gameridernews]

Ex-Aid review: Another Ending trilogy (Snipe & Brave)

If I don't watch it, that means the Game is Forever, right? Ehehe... okay, let's begin the end.

The Another Ending trilogy is an interesting set of specials. In an age where Rider movies now typically have a post-finale V-Cinema special, you'd wonder where that leaves Ex-Aid, seeing as it was the show full of spinoff material all throughout.

As it turns out, fuck it, let's just give everyone a final story. And the first of these is Snipe & Brave.

It's established in this special that it's been 2 years since... well, specifically, 2 years since Taiga transformed. 2 years after the show's finale? Since the summer movie? Since the winter movie? I guess it doesn't matter when it's 2 whole years.

In a nice little tie-in to the Para-DX Hyper Battle DVD spinoff, Kuroto Dan has disappeared from his little prison in the Bugvisor II, along with the Proto Gashats. They're pretty sure that there was someone who helped to make it happen, but who?

This story puts an emphasis on a particular aspect of Ex-Aid's finale: The deaths caused by the Bugsters, and Kamen Rider Chronicle, have a chance of being reversible, and the doctors are doing their best to make it happen, in particular Hiro is hoping to revive his girlfriend Saki. 

We have a new character, Dr. Yaotome Saiko, who immediately seems flirty and a bit suspicious. She believes that since Bugsters can have access to a human's memories when they take over, that means there is some connectivity between humans and Bugsters that they can abuse in order to bring people back to life.

However, this is when things get weird. Hiro starts seeing Saki mysteriously appear and disappear once in a while, and it seems like she's come back to life - along with good ol' Ren Amagasaki, the Lovlica Bugster, and he's takin' yo girls! Yes, Lovlica seems to have Saki under his spell, and is spitefully teasing Hiro with this. 

As he transforms and fights, we're reminded that Lovlica comes from a dating game, and is thus unable to be defeated by violence, which sucks for Hiro since he's proven to be incapable of romance. I'll get to that.

Meanwhile, Taiga takes in a new patient named Luke Kidman, an American who seems to have an obsession with Nico. He's a gamer who kept losing to Nico and decided to declare her his rival, someone he wants to beat. 

However, right now he's infected with the Lovlica virus, and this is where they actually kindly address something: Lovlica was kinda put in this state of limbo by Cronus' Rider Kick, yeah? But since Cronus has been defeated, he's basically just been revivable all this time! The question is, who brought him back?

Well, we kinda have an idea. Kuroto Dan is up and about, and he's rambling about wanting to "revolutionize the history of this world" and whatnot. He seems to require 3 games to make it all possible, and Lovlica was revived to get the ball rolling. 

He also lets Lovlica know that Saki will be broken from her "love spell" by midnight and be erased for good, and if Lovlica doesn't reach his complete form, he'll be erased to. So Kuroto is up to his old dirty deeds like always.

Some interesting things are said about Nico in this special. Luke, still infected, really wants to be able to challenge Nico again, and goes so far as to say that the way she's acting here isn't the real Nico. Even Taiga, when she repeats the claim to him, can't seem to comment on whether or not she's the same old Nico. 

Kinda wonder if that's a fan response thing, since she has become significantly toned down since becoming less of an antagonistic character... It's interesting for someone to just come out and say it. 

After Nico runs off, Lovlica butts in briefly to mock Taiga, and showing that he ships Taiga and Nico, which I'm still not sure how to feel about since he seems much older. 

Since it's relevant here and I have no real comment on it later, Taiga also fires Nico from his hospital, so she's no longer allowed to work here.

We also get some more info on Saki, which I never really thought about - what IS her story? 

Well, apparently she was going to the same medical school as Hiro, and was impressed by how brainy he was, and... it's here I'm still pretty unconvinced by their relationship. 

They pretty much establish how Hiro is so focused on his studies he frequently forgets who Saki is, even though she seems to care about him being well fed while he works. I think they're trying to imply that DESPITE him being this way, he warms up to her. 

Still, it may be one of those elements of Ex-Aid that I can never be fully satisfied with, because it always feels one-sided, and even with the content from this special, it feels like there’s not enough there to convince me they were a good couple. Maybe it's intentional, as we'll get to in the final battle.

Kiriya is Kiriya, so he manages to find out where Lovlica is often seen and gives the info to Hiro, hoping this will lead them to Kuroto. 

Meanwhile, Taiga damages his body by using an old Kamen Rider Chronicle Gashat, that he's had stored away all this time, to try and give himself some more power and Bugster immunity. It seems that he really wants to help save Saki, because she was the one patient he failed to save and he owes Hiro for actually saving his life during the course of the show. 

Oh, it's here we get another clean continuity thing! Back when Cronus got the random ability to reset time, undoing the creation of the Hyper Muteki Gashat, there was some debate of whether Saki could be revived since Masamune erased her AFTER the Hyper Muteki Gashat existed. 

The answer is yes, that was absolutely doable. Kind of a moot point now that Saki's been revived before our eyes, but it’s always good to know when the writers remember their own lore. 

Hiro and Taiga both wanna stop Lovlica, and are too stubborn to let each other do it. 

So, Snipe acts like classic Snipe and declares he'll just have to take Brave's Gashats, and a nice little fight ensues. Both of them leave it pretty damaged, so maybe it wasn't for the best. 

At some point, Taiga also meets up with Asuna to take the Bugvisor II, apparently by force, then heads out to do battle. Bit rushed there, but it leads to good stuff. 

Now, it's almost midnight, and Saki will soon be disappearing. On a beautiful moonlit night, Lovlica takes her out, and is interrupted before he can get in a kiss and ruin the show's favorite couple.

Taiga uses the Bugvisor II and Kamen Rider Chronicle Gashat, almost unable to stand out, but surprises us all by transforming into the new Kamen Rider Cronus! Before Lovlica can attack, we're reminded that Kamen Rider Cronus can literally stop time, so he walks right past the monster and undoes Saki's mind control - which apparently also puts her in some pain.

An enraged Lovlica takes on Cronus, and I kinda like how they balanced him out for the fight. Sure, he's got some of the strongest powers in the show, but Taiga has also REALLY messed up his body to get to this point, so he eventually has to tap out.

Luckily, Hiro shows up, apologizing for how he acted around Saki, going as far as to proclaim he's the worst person. Which isn't true - Kaixa exists. But it's an interesting little twist to his relationship with Saki because it kind of makes me realize that maybe they've been intentionally rolling with this idea that he was always a bad boyfriend.

Anyway, the final fight begins, and while it seems that Brave still can't do much damage, his speech seemed to win Saki over, allowing Lovlica to become vulnerable. This fight is all sorts of stylish, with Legacy Gamer's angelic wings and flower petals everywhere - it's good stuff.

With one final blow, we see the last of Lovlica. Goodnight, sweet prince.

With only minutes before she disappears forever, we finally get a book end for Hiro and Saki.

It seems that, when Saki turned against Hiro, part of her maybe didn't believe he was actually going to be a good doctor. But after what she witnessed, she believes in him now, and wants him to become the world's greatest doctor.

And with that, midnight strikes, and Saki is gone - presumably for good, even if they figure out how to bring back the victims of the Bugsters. But at last, Hiro has some closure.

Meanwhile, Taiga is scrambling to find the Kamen Rider Chronicle Gashat he lost during the fight. As it turns out, Kuroto Dan snatched it up...! 

With Luke Kidman healed up, it seems he’ll be going back to America, and Nico’s going with him. After being fired, it seems like she’s back to her usual self, gamer gear and all. But as a result, her relationship with Taiga is back to a proper level of sarcasm. 

It was charming seeing their exchange. 

Finally, we end on a couple bombshell reveals.

Saiko, the new doctor who specializes in regenerative medicine, is actually part of Next Genome - the villains from Heisei Generations. She's secretly working with Kuroto on his master plan, and part of it involves reverse-engineering the master Kamen Rider Chronicle Gashat, so that he can retrieve the data of "the one being" kept inside it...

And finally, the reveal that Masamune Dan is right here, in the flesh, passed out on an operating table!

So that was fun. 

Gonna be honest, when they first revealed the titles for these specials, the one that sounded the least interesting was Brave & Snipe, only because we got a lot of story for them already - what else could you do with them? 

Well, I hadn’t considered how much closure you could get with Saki. It was clever, making a story where the two of them are stubborn to save her for the sake of each other, and they made good use of that idea. 

I had a lot of fun coming back to Ex-Aid here. If you haven’t seen my review for Kamen Rider Zi-O, it’s a show that has a lot of rules for its setting that it seems to barely follow, so it felt like a breath of fresh air to come back to Ex-Aid and experience a story that felt consistent with the show’s lore, right down to addressing things you wondered about regarding Saki’s circumstances. 

Definitely looking forward to checking out the rest of these. I KINDA know some stuff happening in the next one but not a whole lot. 

[salamoonder]

Dark Side | [ch. 5]

Virgil’s mastered the knack of replacing one kind of pain with another.

Wordcount: 1.8k

Warnings: self harm, moderately graphic

A/N: Here we go, kids. Here’s the beginning of the dark stuff. My poor Virgil is...not very good at coping. As always I don’t condone any of his actions and if you’re upset by this chapter and need someone to talk to....my dms are open. But!! Please don’t read this if you’re not in a good place to do so. Love y’all. <3

|| Read on AO3 ||

“I’m not going. You can’t make me.”

“Virgil, please…”

Virgil flops onto his completely unmade bed and screams quietly into the mattress, sits there for a couple extra seconds with his jaw gaping for good measure, then closes his mouth, swallows, and tries again, this time directing the noise into words. “I said NO, Patton. I’m NOT GOING.”

There’s a freshman welcome barbecue on the main lawn and Patton’s been needling him to come for the past twenty minutes, but it feels more like years. It takes a lot of social energy to reject any kind of invitation from Patton, never mind rejecting it angrily, but he’d rather be angry than suppressed right now. He feels like Patton’s forcing his hand.

He can practically feel the hurt and bad emotion emanating from Patton, who is standing in the narrow doorway and making puppy eyes at him. That’s the problem with Patton; he feels everything so damn deep down. He never shoulders a feeling, he sets it squarely on his chest and lets it sink in hard. Virgil gets up and walks to the door.

“I’ll talk to you later, Pat,” he says, and closes it in his face.

He feels awful. It’s really not Patton’s fault, but he suspects Patton isn’t taking him seriously. Virgil doesn’t think he can survive, living with anyone but Patton. And Patton seems to think it’ll be nothing but a new adventure.

Well, it would be for Patton. He’d already cozied up to Remy. Everything was a new adventure to Patton.

The guilt is already sticking to the roof of his mouth, sealing it shut,  even as the frustration and anger builds up in his fists. And his new roommate...he doesn’t even want to think about him.

When he walked into the room there had been a boy sprawled out on the second bed, which was completely made. A dozen or so Disney posters covered the wall above it, and a cork board above one of the desks was covered in pictures. Virgil was too far away to see them, but he could tell that they were all group or couple pictures.

Presumably his very social roommate with his many, many friends.

A bluetooth speaker on the desk next to a sleek macbook was playing something from the Hercules soundtrack at top volume. Boxes were splayed across the room, some of them on what Virgil assumed was supposed to be his side.

When he’d pulled the door open the kid had looked up from his phone and scowled. “Ah, rude! You could’ve at least knocked! This is my room, you know!”

He really talked like that, like every statement had an exclamation point at the end. He was long and lanky but solidly built. He looked like the kind of guy who could pick Virgil up and punt him like a football. And he was wearing expensive clothes, all name brand, but he was wearing them so casually they might as well have been Goodwill finds. He had his legs up and his ankles crossed as he lounged across his bed, like those cute pictures that roommates took of each other and posted to their studyblrs with hashtags like “aesthetic” ”dorm life” and “best roomie”.

Virgil immediately disliked him.

“It’s my room, too, jackass,” was the first thing that came out of his mouth, even though what he’d been thinking of in his head was a lot more diplomatic.

The kid on the bed raised an eyebrow and sat up super slowly, as dramatically as though it was the worst thing anyone had ever said to him.

“Well,” he said in a shocked tone, “I can see I’m not welcome here,”

And then he had taken his phone and walked out. Virgil noted with distaste how expensive his shoes looked before slamming the door after him. Being considered a rich snob, it didn’t usually take him too long to spot another one.

“Well,” he said to the empty room, “that went well.”

Since then he’d been wandering his room, debating going out to the car for more boxes, considering leaving all of Patton’s boxes on the sidewalk and just driving back home, or plotting what the best way to survive by locking himself in the bathroom all semester would be.

In the end, none of the options won out, and so he spent a few uncomfortable minutes pacing around the room before finally getting completely sick of the Disney songs pulsing from the bluetooth speaker and slamming the laptop shut. Normally Virgil hated touching other people’s things, but he couldn’t even hear himself think. It was like...roommate kid....thought he was at a rave. A Disney rave.

A few minutes later he was lying face down on the floor hyperventilating into the carpet, and Patton had chosen that exact moment to helpfully pop in and let him know that he was going to the freshman barbecue. And so Virgil had gotten up, walked over to the bed, and done approximately the same thing there.

His roommate still hadn’t come back yet, and he’d lied and said he must’ve just missed him when Patton asked. Virgil seriously hoped he’d gone to the freshman barbecue as well.

Virgil hoped he would make tons and tons of snobby, dramatic friends and spend all of his time outside of his room, taking a ridiculous number of group photos and leaving Virgil firmly out of all of it.

Actually, Virgil hoped he could go straight to the housing office and get them to change his living arrangements back to strictly Patton only as soon as possible. Or better yet get counselling to convince Patton to forget about this whole college thing and go home with him. Live out a nice, boring existence at home.

Virgil’s been lying on the floor thinking all these things when a tiny voice in the back of his head says “you know...you could always just bleed all these feelings away.”

Normally he would fight it, even if it was the smallest, most pathetic fight in the history of humanity. But I’m comfortable here. But I’ll have to actually look at the blood. But...just. Tiny excuses. Tiny little useless excuses. But today he listens to the voice and says, “You know what? You’re right.”

Almost out loud. Almost.

He gets up, slips the keycard into his pocket (he’s been holding it in his fist this entire time) and sneaks out of the hall, looking out for Patton lest he mistake his sudden activity for unexpected enthusiasm for the freshman barbecue. Luckily he makes it to the car with no encounters.

Patton’s left all of Virgil’s boxes stacked neatly on the sidewalk next to the car; all his boxes must be inside already. A peace offering. Or, really, just a nice thing that Patton did because he’s Patton and nice is what he does. Virgil feels another pang of guilt shoot through him, but he pushes all thoughts of the outside, non depressed world out of his head and picks up the first two boxes, balancing them carefully on top of each other.

It doesn’t take him very long to take all the boxes back to his room. The book box had been the heaviest, and going downhill really helped. It only takes a little digging to find the roll of paper towels stuffed with bandaids wrapped carefully in a towel, and a little more careful looking to find the book containing the razor blades he’s taped to the inside flap of the back cover. It’s not particularly subtle, but you’d still really have to be looking to find anything.

He steps into their suite bathroom, locks the doors on both sides (great, he thinks, the neighbors are going to hate me already--hopefully they’re at the stupid freshman barbecue too) and starts his work.

His hands are shaking a bit; it’s been a few days since he’s done this. He understands, he really does, why this is considered an addiction. He feels drunk; feels like the first time he’d taken an edible and all the colors in his eyes had swirled and blurred together and lifted him up in a happy little rainbow bubble; recalls the numb warmth pushing against his hands.

This is like that, with the shaking and the adrenaline, but it feels sharper somehow. Clearer. Weed and alcohol had dulled all his senses; cutting enhances them. Brings everything into needlepoint focus.

He keeps going and going until he feels a little delirious, until the blood splashes on the counter and he lunges forward to dab up the spill with a paper towel. He’s learned the hard way that even on supposedly easily cleanable surfaces blood can leave its mark.

That seems to be his cue that enough is enough. He runs his arms under the cold water, teeth bearing down hard on the front of his hoodie so he doesn’t cry out. This pain is different somehow, worse. He hates this part.

But eventually it’s over and he dabs his arms dry, painstakingly slowly, with a few paper towels. Then he gets to work spreading bandaids over every inch of his arms where he’s left his mark. He would prefer gauze and medical tape but that’s simply not practical right now. Anyway, gauze makes everything look more serious. Someone is more likely to gasp and yelp “oh my gosh what happened?” over gauze than they are over a dozen bandaids. Of course the bandaids look pretty suspicious but they still give Virgil the slimmest of outs-- “had a fight with a cat”-- if someone for any reason catches him without his ever present hoodie.

Ugh, he hadn’t even thought about changing in a room with someone who isn’t Patton.

Patton knows, of course, but he mostly pretends not to. Except when it gets real bad. Then the talk of seeing a therapist comes up.

Virgil grinds the heels of his hands carefully into his eyes, trying not to bend his wrists too much and reopen the cuts.

He’s focusing too hard on that to remember to stop himself from crying, though. He usually cries after he cuts. Somewhat because he feels disgusting, but also because he’s relieved.

He’s always relieved, to some degree or another.

He’s mastered the knack of crying silently. When someone from the other side knocks, he calls “just a minute,” voice practiced and steadied, clears his supplies, and gets out.

He sits on the bed, feeling better and worse and too hot in his hoodie but too nervous to take it off, even with the door closed and locked. After all, roommate kid has a key, too. He peeks his head out of the door for a second just to check his name on the door because it’s bothering him that he doesn’t know it.

Roman. Ugh. Sounds just as pretentious as he seems.

Virgil manages to find the energy to pull out all his bedding but is only halfway through pulling the fitted sheet over his mattress when he collapses and decides he’s not moving another inch until someone makes him.

He falls asleep about five minutes later, and misses the well meaning knock of Remy, who’s come back because Patton asked her to check on him.

[classic-rock-roller]

1. Your band is on tour in Italy and on some off time you’re taking a guided tour of St. Mark’s Square (Piazza San Marco). It’s March, so it’s a bit chilly. Bonham’s wearing an insulated flannel over her shirt and has it unbuttoned. It’s getting windy, so it’s getting colder, and at one point you see Erik pull one of Bonham’s arms out of her sleeves, wedge himself into the shirt next to her, and put his arm into the sleeve. Bonham gives him a silent look of ‘what the fuck?’ and he explains by saying “It’s cold.” How do you, Bonham, and the band respond?

Me: You should have brought your own jacket. 

Bonham: Get out of my jacket. 

Daryl: Don’t stay like that for long. The Media will have a field day. 

Linus is trying to find gelato and has left the group. 

2. While in Italy, most of the band is experiencing extreme jet lag seeing as once you landed and went through customs, you hit the ground running with activities. You’re on a boat traveling to a venue on a small island, and you’re awake talking to Bonham. You reach up to adjust your jacket on your shoulder, and Linus’ head tips slowly onto your hand (he’s asleep) as the boat rocks. How do you and Bonham react, and do you try to move your hand?

We both look at each other and I mouth ‘What do I do?’ She just shrugs. So I let my hand go numb so that he can get some sleep. 

3. Your band is on the bus in Italy heading to the airport late at night, and you and Bonham are awake, Linus and Daryl are asleep, and Erik’s drifting off. He rests his head on her shoulder, and you watch as you two are talking that his head slides slowly down to her chest. She picks up his head with her hand gently and lays it back on her shoulder, and he purposely puts his head back on her chest. “Don’t move me, your boobs are comfy.” he says. How do you two respond?

Me: Erik I know you’re tired but that’s a little too invasive. 

Bonham: You have exactly two seconds to move your head. 

4. You and Kevin ripped the carpet out of your house and replaced it with hardwood. You and Kevin love it, and so do Bonham and Randy. It takes some getting used to, and everyone slips a couple times (without falling), except Bonham. Every time she slips she falls, and every time she falls Kevin laughs. She falls again one day, and she immediately shouts, “I am the only one who’s fallen on this God damn floor!” How do you and the boys respond?

Me: Are you ok? At least you didn’t fall down the hardwood steps. I’ve done that about five times. 

Kevin: Christ how can you be so clumsy?

Randy: You both are really clumsy. 

5. You and Bonham are debating taking a plane somewhere to do some press, and Bonham is having a problem. “I hate air travel, it’s not the same as it used to be.” Kevin comes into the room just then and says, “I know right it really isn’t. We used to wear suits, dammit!” Bonham just kinda sighs. How do you respond?

“Kevin, you’re not helping. Go write lyrics or something.” 

6. You and Bonham and the boys bring your sister and Chuck to dinner one day to a fancier type of restaurant. There’s an old 40′s jazz song playing when you get there and your sister muses, “Who’s this?” Chuck says, “This is Ozzy.” Bonham just looks at him, half angry and half disappointed, and says, “This is Frank Sinatra.” How do you, your sister, and the boys respond?

I’d roll my eyes. 

Sister: Even I know this is Frank Sinatra. Christ. 

Kevin: This sounds nothing like Ozzy. 

Randy: You need to brush up on your music history. 

7. You and Bonham are sitting in on QR’s studio sessions for Metal Health and she’s not thrilled that Kevin’s so enthused to record a cover of a Slade song. “You have to develop a reputation on your own merit, you can’t try to debut yourselves doing stuff other people came up with.” Kevin doesn’t listen to her, and after their second take of it he asks you what you think. Bonham fake coughs and says, “Hack. Hack and the Hack Tones.” How do you think they did and how do Kevin, Rudy, Carlos and Frankie respond to her comment?

Me: It was pretty good. 

Kevin: Bonham stop that. 

Rudy: She kind of does have a point tho. 

Carlos: Hopefully it doesn’t get too huge. 

Frankie’s fiddling with his drum kit and didn’t hear. 

8. Kevin comes home with a case of Coke one day and he pulls out two. “Bonham I dare you to chug this in 30 seconds or less.” She agrees, but as it’s a soda (and it’s cold), she struggles a bit. Her eyes tear up after about ten seconds, and when she finishes, she has a long burp before saying, “Polar bears shouldn’t give this to their babies.” How do you and Kevin respond?

Kevin: I didn’t think you’d do it. 

Me: Well, now you owe her 50 bucks. Pay up. 

9. Bonham’s loading some stuff into the car so you and the boys can take it to goodwill, and on the last trip she puts her soda in her back pocket so she doesn’t have to make a wasteful trip. Randy spies it and says, “What are you doing?” She shakes her hips a little and says, “I got a beverage in my butt! Take a sip, pretty boy!” How does he react and what do you and Kevin say?

Randy blushes a bit and Kevin bursts out laughing. I don’t know how to react so I just keep placing things in the car. 

10. Kevin’s been wearing through his sheets lately, and one day when Bonham’s over he says, “I’m sick of this, I have a big ass hole in my bed!” Bonham giggles a little before saying, “You have an asshole in your bed?” How do you and Kevin respond?

Kevin: Real mature Bons. 

Me: You walked into that one, Kev.  

11. You and Bonham were babysitting your little cousins all day, so you’ve had to watch your language. When Randy and Kevin come to pick you both up, they ask how it went, and the first thing out of her mouth is, “Can I fucking swear now?” How do the three of you respond?

Me: Yes you can. 

Randy: I take it, it didn’t go well. 

Me: No, it went ok. They’re just handfuls. 

Kevin: I’m glad I didn’t draw the short straw this time. Last time I babysat them with you they dyed my hair pink. 

---------------------

1) You and Kevin take your singer to the hospital after her friend Brit broke her ankle. She’s snapping at Kevin the entire time but when the doctor comes in she’s super nice to her. Kevin scoffs and goes, “So you’re nice to the Doctor?” Your singer whips around and goes, “She. Has. The Drugs.” How do you and Kevin respond?

2) You and Kevin are sitting on the couch when your singer comes home from her day camp job. She drops her bag on the couch and you notice her arm wrapped in a bandage. You ask her what she did and she goes, “Oh that? A kid bit me today at work hard enough to leave teeth marks and draw blood. So I just bandaged it so I wouldn’t bleed everywhere.” How do you and Kevin respond?

3)  You go out to dinner with your singer, Randy, and Kevin for your birthday. Your singer gives you a huge box and when you open it, you go, “It’s a globe.” Your singer says, “Yes because you deserve the world.” How do you, Randy, and Kevin respond?

4) Daryl has been bugging your singer after he found out that she dated a girl before she met Kevin. He keeps asking her how and why and one day while you, Kevin, and Randy are in the studio with her and Daryl she whirls around on him and says, “Do you want my honesty? I can fuck a guy and not care I can fuck a girl and not care it doesn’t really matter to me.” How do you, Daryl, Kevin, and Randy respond?

5) Your singer is eating caramel out of a small cup and since she doesn’t have a spoon, she’s licking it out of the cup. Kevin walks by and says, “Enjoying yourself there?” Your singer stops and gives him a smirk before saying, “Yup, I’m practicing my tongue action.” How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond? 

6) Brit is still on tour with you and one day she’s helping set up and your singer is directing how you want the stage set up. Brit screams across it, “Shut up!” Your singer stops and shouts back, “How exactly are you going to make me shut up?” “Not how you want me to.” How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

7)  Your singer gets really drunk one night and while your and Kevin are helping her to bed, she mumbles, “I don’t feel so good.” and before you know it, she’s puked in the hallway all over Kevin’s shoes. How do you and Kevin react and what do you do?

8) Kevin is sitting at the kitchen table and is grumbling over his morning coffee. Your singer comes out all chipper and goes to him, “Good morning! Sleep well?” He grumbles again and she asks, “Who pissed in your cheerios?” How does Kevin respond and what do you and Randy say? 

9) You and your singer have been in a bit of a slump lately. You’re just trying to form your band. To make some money, your singer gets you a job at her restaurant serving tables. She’s told you that you have to hold your tongue most of the time. While there the first day, you notice an older man constantly trying to touch her, and while she’s uncomfortable, she doesn’t stop him. You ask her why and she says, “If I told him to stop, I wouldn’t get tipped and then we wouldn’t make money.” When she goes back over to the table, he does it again. What do you do? 

10) You, Kevin, and your singer are sitting on the couch watching a movie when all of a sudden your singer goes, “Oh god,” and runs to the bathroom. The both of you can hear her getting sick. When she comes back out, you ask her what’s wrong and she goes, “Oh when I get really anxious I get nauseous and feel like I have to throw up but that’s the first time I have.” How do you and Kevin respond?

11) Your singer wants to take you, Kevin, and Randy to the beach she went to as a kid. While there, your walking along the street when someone comes out of the bar and goes, “You’re from Quiet Riot and War Angel right?” Your singer looks at him and goes, “Who’s asking?” “I own the bar over there and my act for the night just quit. Could you maybe fill in?” How do the four of your respond and what happens at this gig?

@osbournebemydaddy your move Bons 

[insolublesalts]

BTS GOBLIN AU - CH 1

 A/N:  A taekook fic based on the kdrama Goblin. Written by my lovely bff @stupendouspaperplane and edited by me. Sideships include yoonmin and namjin. Other alternative ships might happen if we decide to do alternative endings. Try to figure out who’s who ;)

Feedback is appreciated!! Hopefully Chapter 2 will be up next week!!

Prologue // 1 // 2 // 3

                   Lightning streaked through the light grey sky while thunder crackled in the heavens. A man, dressed smartly in silk robes, marched towards the main gate of the palace with a sheathed sword in a hand. Villagers that he passed scurried away quickly, not because of the weapon he had, but because of the deep scowl he wore on his face. People knew what had happened to him, and had a vague idea of what he was going to do next.

                  In a moderate pace, step by step he made his way to his destination. He arrived at the great gate of the palace, only to be stopped by the iron doors and a few bulky guards. The guards held spears, ready to attack or defend if the man decided to make a move. “Let me through.” He said in a deep, gruff tone. “My business is not with you.” Before he could even finish talking, the guards charged in his direction with all their might. Without drawing his blade he knocked them down one by one, leaving only minor bruises on the men.

                    Shortly there was only him in front at the gate, waiting for the iron doors to surrender and give way. “Let me in.” His voice deep as the ocean but soft as the clouds above. “Let me in!” He screamed at the top of his voice while thunder boomed in the sky as if the gods were on his side. Soon the grand iron doors opened, slowly and reluctantly. Once there was a big enough gap for him to go through, the man in silk  continued his journey, marching towards the palace bravely while his long hair flowed in the wind. His footsteps sounded against the polished stone path, taking him towards short flights of stairs, on top of it where the king and the officers stood.

                    He was not even a few meters in when the king stopped him. “Kim Taehyung!” The king shouted his name and his footsteps came to a halt.

                    Taehyung scanned the king from head to toe. The powerful figure was dressed in a dark silk, matching his jet black hair and cold eyes. “Why are you mourning ?” Taehyung spoke slowly, the rage building inside of him. “What is he to you that you felt the need to mourn his death ?!” The last few words were shouted out loud for the world to hear.

                    “He was my everything!” The king answered furiously, already on the edge of breaking down.

                    “Then why did you just let him die like that! Why?! ”

                    “It had to be done! If you’d stop being such a weakling for once he would still be alive and well!”

                   Taehyung had enough. One step at a time he advanced towards the king, slowly picking up his pace and broke into running. Soldiers automatically surrounded him and slashed their blades at him. Some soldiers he successfully knocked down, but he suffered nicks and cuts everywhere. He was bleeding profusely, red oozing out from his injuries, staining his light coloured clothes crimson before dripping onto the hard ground. Soon his legs felt weak and they gave way under him. He knelt on the ground, waiting for another blow from a soldier.  

                  “Stop !” The king ordered and the soldiers ceased. Slowly he made his way down the steps carefully towards the exhausted man, his head hanging low, sweat trailing down his cheeks and along his strong jawline. Taehyung looked up to see the king advancing towards him. With shaky hands, he unsheathed his sword, pointing the weapon towards him.

                 “Don’t come near me.” Taehyung growled. Upon reaching him, the king swiftly kicked his blade out of his grasp and into the air. The blade turned in the air before landing, it’s handle in the king’s hand. He held it firmly, lowering it down until the tip of the weapon was right above his vulnerable chest. The sharp blade glinted in the remaining sunlight that escaped the heavy, thick clouds.

                   “It should have been you all along.” The king said coldly before he pierced the sword right through his chest. Taehyung spat out blood, the blood splattering on the floor. His eyelids fluttered before closing completely while life abandoned his body.

                    “Take his body far away in the mountains.” Ordered the king before turning away and walking back to his quarters. Taehyung’s lifeless body was left in the forest, his mighty sword still in his heart. The people came and prayed for him to rest in peace, their cries became a melody for the once peaceful plain. It was noon, when the sun shone the brightest, when his life was taken away.

                   When a powerful desire dwells in things touched by mortal souls, they become goblins. A blade smeared with blood from countless battles was enchanted with a powerful desire bedewed with it’s master’s blood. Only the bride of the goblin will be able to draw the blade. Once drawn, everything will turn to ashes, and peace will be granted.

                                                          *****

                   Morning sunlight was leaking through the gaps between the curtains, a ray of sunlight even landed directly at his face. He groaned while climbing out of his bed slowly then proceeded drag himself towards the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. After a few attempts he managed to chase his dreams away -if only those were just dreams- and greeted his reflection in the mirror. “Morning Tae, seems like you are still living and breathing.”

                   He sighed and grabbed a cloth to wipe his face. It had been centuries since he lived with the curse, he had tried hard to find his bride -the only person that could see the sword and remove it from his chest, or so the divinity told him- but as time passed and countless girls he had seen there was still no luck. He had started to think that God is just torturing him more by giving him false hope, letting him search for his bride that's non- existent in this world.  

                   He was the Goblin. He had powers. He was immortal. These are everything other humans want, an extraordinary life, but not him. I just want to live a normal life with passion and love, to die when time comes. And also, to forget. He did not want to wake up to the horrible memories everyday. He did not want to remember the faces of his loved ones only to feel the grief that comes with it. He did not want to remember the one he hated, because there was nothing he could do about it.

cBut what could he do? He had tried everything, to find his bride, to die. Nothing worked, so he chose the only option left - to live. Here he is, V, a history professor at a local university who was loved by his students and co-workers. He walked out of his bathroom and opened the curtains with a swift move of his hand. The garden outside was decorated with various shades of greens, in middle of it stood a slim, tall figure.

                   Taehyung watched with a fond smile as the man walked around to greet the plants and water each and every one of them with a bright smile on his face. It was heartwarming to witness a life that shone so bright, knowing that once this very flame of life was nearly extinguished. He pushed open the window and leaned towards the frame.

                    “Good morning, Hoseok.”

                                                          *****

                  The  school hell rang and students poured out of the lecture hall. One of the students was stiff in his seat, not a sign showed that he was planning to leave the hall. Every fibre in his body was alert to his surroundings. “Please go out… go… shoo…” the student mumbled as he pretended to check on his phone.  When the hall was finally empty, he closed his eyes and rested his head on his hands, ears and cheeks still burning lightly at the memory.

                     It was Jungkook’s first day at university, a week later than others due to family issues which he really did not want to remember. Which was why he missed the orientation week, and also, why he ended up here in an empty hall questioning his life.

                      The day actually started out fine, wonderful even. The weather was relatively warm, blue sky and white clouds were welcoming him to his new life in Seoul. He managed his way around the campus and talked to the administration staff to finish off some procedures. They gave him his keys to his accommodation and told him that his stuff was already sent there. He was waiting to be guided to his first lecture when the staff member received a call.

                “I'm sorry, I need to answer this.” the lady gave him an apologetic look before turning away to answer the call.

                 Now, don't get Jungkook wrong. He definitely was not the kind to stick his nose up in others’ businesses. It was not his fault that he got curious when the lady hissed whispers at her phone and her shoulder tensed as she did so. Jungkook looked away just in time before the lady would call him a freak and throw him out of the office.

                  Jungkook pretended to inspect his set of keys when the lady ended the call with a harsh goodbye and turned to face him. “I have some emergency to handle, do you think you can find your way around on your own or I could ask someone else to help you?”  The man took a look around the busy office and had a self debate whether he would need the help. Finding a lecture hall won't be that hard, right?  He gave her a reassuring smile before saying a polite “I think I'll manage on my own.” and excused himself out .

                      That, is no doubt the worst decision he had ever made in his life.

                      Jungkook knew something was wrong when he opened up a door which led to a small classroom instead of a lecture hall. He was going to close the door and turn away before anyone noticed him. Instead he found himself unable to take his eyes off a man who seems to be the professor. The man hasn't acknowledged his presence yet, as he was busy flipping through a thick textbook in order to answer one of his student’s questions.

                        The professor was a damn good looking young man, with a head of blonde hair, tan skin, strong jawline -- God, is he even real? --, soft red lips, and a pair of beautiful brown eyes… that was looking right at his. Jungkook let out an unmanly squeak and instinctively took a step back only to stumble on his own feet. He lost balance and the papers and books he held in his hands dropped to the ground with a loud ‘thud’. The next thing he knew, there was more than twenty pairs of eyes staring at him. An awkward silence filled the room before it exploded into whispers and gossip.

                         Shit. Jungkook quickly kneeled down to pick up his belongings which were all over the place. He felt his cheeks burning up with embarrassment as he overheard the words that were being passed around the room. He could almost feel a hole burning into his head where the students stared at him. With everything balanced in his arm, he stood up and was only surprised to find those beautiful pair of eyes still on him. His cheeks and ears was so red he must have looked like a tomato.

                   Jungkook quickly looked away and mumbled a sorry before darting out of the class. He could hear the professor’s deep voice telling the students to calm down and continue their discussion. He let the breeze cool him down while he ran full speed towards his lecture hall. And this time, he make sure to double check the numbers on the doors before stepping in.

                    Jungkook frowned while he walked out of the lecture hall. Even now, several hours after the incident, he still could not get over with the fact the he, Jeon Jungkook, embarrassed himself on the first day at university by walking into the wrong class, openly stared at their professor and made a fool out of himself. The worst part is, despite everything that happened, he could not take his mind of the stunning professor.

                        The way he looked was so flawless and angelic even without trying. His suit which matched so perfectly with his sun kissed skin and dark blond hair. His voice was surprisingly so deep and rich that he wondered what would his name sound like in that voice. Oh my god, Jungkook shook his head once he realised what he was thinking. You need to chill, he’s a professor goddamit.

                        Besides, you made a fool of yourself right in front of him, he’ll only think of you as one of those clueless students. He sighed at the thought and decided he need a long, hot shower to wash away all the bad luck. Everything will get better with a hot shower. He quickened his pace towards his dorm, already feeling a lot better at the thought of resting after a long day.

                                                          *****

                       The first thing Jungkook realised when he stepped his foot in his dorm, was that he never really contacted his roommate beforehand. Last week had been such a chaos that he only managed to scan through the information that was attached in the email send by the university. He suddenly felt nervous to meet his roommate whom he did not even remember the name of. Is it Jeon Ho Sook? He remembered someone with the same surname as him and was studying psychology.

                     “Hello?”, Jungkook called. After a few seconds of silence he concluded that his roommate was probably not back from class yet. He let himself relax and took in his surroundings. The small place was neat --thankfully, Jungkook did not want to cope with those messy roommates-- and simply decorated with a few pictures here and there. He closed the door behind him and changed into one of the pair of slippers that was by the door.

                     Jungkook walked past the common area (aka the living room and kitchen, and don’t forget the toilet, fortunately they are both guys) and towards the two closed doors where their bedrooms were located. He tried the door on the left but it was locked, so he assumed that that was his roommate’s room. The door on the right opened with a soft click, there were boxes and duffel bags sitting on the floor waiting to be unpacked. The room was small and simple, with a bed, a desk with some shelves and a closet. He put down his books and bag on the desk and searched for one of the bags where his toiletries and clothes were.

                        Fuck unpacking, he could get everything he needed from the bags for now. Jungkook gathered everything in his hands and walked towards the bathroom. He was humming to himself as he set his stuff on a rack, the bathroom had a sweet scent of vanilla and lavender, a strong contrast against his own that smelled like sweat and mint. He undid his scarf carefully and hung it on one of the hooks behind the door.

                        It was a bright red scarf gifted by his childhood friend- Jimin. The scarf’s colour was not as bright as it was back then but it was kept in good condition nonetheless. It was no doubt his favourite scarf as it was his memory of their friendship. The duo had long lost contact when he moved to Busan with his stepdad when he was 13, and Jungkook always kept it around to remind him that he would find his friend one day. Now that he was thinking about it, he could finally begin his search now that he was back in Seoul. He should probably start from the area they lived back then, Jimin might still live there if he was lucky.

                     Jungkook undressed himself and finally took a shower. The boy was lost in his thoughts hence he did not notice that someone had entered the dorm room. The newcomer had a head of red hair and wore an oversized lavender sweater with a pair of black skinny jeans. His expression and posture was the definition of tiredness. He slipped his feet into a pair of indoor slippers, unaware that the second pair was missing. The boy padded towards his room and removed his headphones once he let his bedroom door click shut behind him.

                      A small pool of water immediately formed beneath Jungkook as he stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around his head and a pile of dirty clothes in his arms. He walked towards the balcony where he had spotted the washing machine earlier and threw his dirty clothes into the washing machine. The red headed boy came out of his room just when Jungkook was busy figuring out whether he should use his roommate’s lavender scented detergent to wash his clothes. He did not notice Jungkook as he went straight to the bathroom.

                      “Ahh, my scarf…”, Jungkook groaned when he was about to switch on the washing machine. He mumbled a ‘got you’ when his fingers sensed the soft material of  his scarf from the hook behind the door when he felt that something wasn’t right. There was the sound of running water, did he not close the shower properly? He grabbed the scarf and swung the door open with a swift motion, only to be greeted by the sight of a naked man under the shower.

                         Both of them stared at each other in disbelief for a brief moment before the man in the shower recovered from the shock and hid himself with his hands. “What the fuck!?”, the man shouted and closed the shower curtain while Jungkook slammed the door shut with such a great force he could feel the walls shaking. “OH MY GOD I’M SO SORRY!”, Jungkook shouted on the top of his lungs, his cheeks flushed up in embarrassment as he took a few steps back.

                    After a split second, the man stormed out of the bathroom with still dripping wet hair and a towel around his waist, leaving a trail of water on the floor as he did so. He ran a hand through his hair and pushed it back in frustration, leaving his forehead on display. “I CAN’T BELIEVE-” The man stomped up close to Jungkook, his index finger pointed upwards, right at Jungkook’s nose. “Who the hell are you!? Why are you in my dorm!?" Jungkook hid his face behind his hands and scarf, unable to look at the small, half naked man standing in front of him. “I’m so so sorry!”

                       Despite being smaller and shorter than the other, half-naked guy was furious and intimidating as he eyed Jungkook up and down with laser sharp gaze. “Yah! I’m asking you who are you? Stop hiding your face!” He shouted as he pulled the scarf away. Jungkook’s eyes sprang open comically at the man’s action, his stomach now bubbling with anger. “Hey! Give back my scarf!” How dare he take his stuff, let alone that ‘stuff‘ being that scarf, rude.

                      The guy --Ho Sook? Ho Seok? Whatever his name is-- took a few steps back and lifted the scarf high when Jungkook tried to get it back. “Answer my question first! Who are you!?” Jungkook reached for his scarf but the other was faster than him, he always turned just in time to escape Jungkook's grip. After a few failed attempts, Jungkook sighed and rolled his eyes at the other’s stubbornness. “Fine. I’m your roommate. You know, the one that is going to live with you for the next twelve months? Does that ring a bell?”, he said sarcastically.  

                       Jungkook expected a sassy reply from the man but instead his expression went blank at Jungkook's words. He seems to be deep in thought as he didn't realise the other approaching him. Jungkook called him a few times but the other either did not heard it or decided to ignore him. He shrugged and took the chance to take back the scarf from his loosen grip and stole a glance at his roommate.

                       Jungkook can't help but to admit his roommate had a perfect body, lean muscles were lining his bare arms and chest, and not an extra inch of fat on his stomach. Yet his face didn’t seem to match his face. No, Jungkook did not mean that in a bad way, his face was just way too cute. Actually, everything about the man was cute, his height, his sound, the way his hair was sticking up in every direction possible, he hasn't even started on his hands-

                     “O-ohh, I think Hobi hyung did mention about a roommate...”, he said in a small voice, but it was enough to snap Jungkook out of his stare, “What did you say?”. Now it was small guy’s turn to get shy, he gave Jungkook an apologetic smile after he came to sense that how much he was overreacting. It was obvious wasn't it, who else would be in his dorm besides his roommate?  “I'm sorry.. I forgot you were supposed to come today.” He apologized. Now, this is the best chance to give a bitchy comment and get back at him. He deserved it after all, for taking the scarf.

                    “I guess I'm sorry too, for, you know..”, he gestured towards his roommate. What? Jungkook wanted to hit himself in the face for coming up with such a lame reply but decided against it, the smile he earned was totally worth it. His eyes form crescents as he face broke into a big smile. It was so contagious Jungkook found himself mirroring the other’s smile.

                    The duo fell into an awkward silence, Jungkook cleared his throat and looked down to check on his scarf. “So, Hoseok hyung is it ? I hope you won't mind that I used your detergent to wash my clothes..” He walked towards the coffee table and knelt down to smooth the scarf out on the table. “No, actually I’m not-”, his eyes were on Jungkook the whole time. He swore that the scarf looked familiar the first time he laid his eyes on it.

                    Jungkook squeaked when a pair of hands took the scarf rather harshly from him. “I told you don't touch my scarf!” He watched in disbelief as his roommate’s small fingers ran through the material and flipping it over as if he was looking for something. “What are you doing?”, he asked. But the other ignored him, his searching stopped when he spotted a signature and a smiley face on one of the ends of the scarf.

                    “Jungkookie?”, he ran his fingers over the faded signature and finally lifted his head to look at Jungkook with teary eyes. “Is it really you Jungkook?” He took a step forward while Jungkook instinctively took a step backwards. “What?” Confused is an understatement, is this some kind of joke ? Was he suppose to laugh ?

                      He laughed at Jungkook’s cluelessness and pointed at the signature on the scarf with a small smile. “Jungkook, I’m Jimin hyung.”   

[d00dt00nz]

Obligatory promo stuff at the top because it sucks and I hate it and let’s get it out of the way! follow me on twitter where I’m active, check me out on spotify for music, or like my facebook for sparse updates on music stuff. Thank you. The Cover art is by Ellie Tison

This one’s a lil bit long so I’ll put it behind a break

A while ago I posted about a song that was called The Howl that Lay the Canyon Bare. I mentioned that there were a few false starts on that song. One of those songs was a ripoff of Jackson Browne's The Pretender. Basically, while I didn't like the song, it became some kind of freakish mushroom creature. It budded its spores and they grew into their own creations. There was another song that came from it but it's not very good and I didn't use it. This song, however, did.

Basically it came from me wanting to write like, a fast paced and kind of old fashioned rock song. Not necessarily a standard blues rock structured song, but maybe something that was had the same force and power. My old song had some lyrics that I liked “I'm gonna get a good job in the city, I'm gonna buy a big screen tv/I'm gonna make a lot of friends and forget their names, 'cause they don't mean much to me”. Sometimes I think it's a shame for lyrics to go to waste because I always have a pretty tough time of writing them. A lot of times I'll just pluck lyrics from unused stuff, which is a little annoying because then I can never use that unused thing.

That lyric was written while I was still working at the RESP place and I was feeling pretty miserable and gross. I felt evil. I wanted to write something gross. More recently when I actually wrote this song proper, I was feeling a little less evil, but still very aware of those same evils. This was back in Febuary when my boss had recently laid off everyone except me. The amount of work hadn't reduced. He'd essentially used Coronavirus as an excuse to save a few bucks on his business. To this day, we don't have any masks, sanitizer, or gloves. The car the company gives me is literally falling apart. I have no right rearview mirror, the transmission is broken so that sometimes the engine just revs but the car doesn't move, the AC is broken, the winter tires are still on, the entire car shakes all the time, and up until recently it'd stall if you took a turn too sharply. If you can recall that time in Febuary, it was also when there was a whole asinine debate in the media about how many deaths were “acceptable” to keep the economy going.

Obviously I know that capitalism is “evil”. We all know that somewhere in the back of our minds, and saying it in that way (especially online) is pretty trite. At some point I started reading books about socialism in my spare time. I don't claim to be an expert, I couldn't make it through Kapital (that fucking thing is like a thousand pages and he spends the first 200 talking about a coat). I just want you to understand that it is something that I don't just invoke for cheap jokes. I think it'd be a good thing. Anyway, the evils that capitalism is based on really started to show their faces around that time. We had to let people die because we couldn't let the system slow down. A lot of liberal leaning people like to begin and end the conversation with “greed”, as if so many problems could be solved if we fixed the individual, personal problem of greediness. Maybe that'd go a long way if we could somehow magically shame people into good behaviour, but the way things are set up means you'd have to convince the people who make the rules to act against their own interests. The whole idea is silly.

The entire idea behind a neoliberal model of capitalism is a lack of true accountability. Kurt Vagnathghet (note to me, fix this spelling later when you have internet. Or don't and leave it in as a dumb hilarious joke) has a little part in Cat's Cradle where a brilliant engineer relinquishes his position as president because he is uncomfortable with authority – he'd rather be told what to do. The narrator wonders why until he begins delegating tasks to the engineer and realizes that the engineer has now managed to detach himself from his own humanity. He simply has become a cog in a system that sustains him. He is free of any real accountability because nothing is his own decision. He simply carries out orders because he must in order to maintain his own place in the world. That's kind of like the model we have today. Everyone is beholden to someone. Even CEO's are beholden to shareholders. Even shareholders are beholden to other shareholders. They cannot act against their own interests because there will always be somebody to replace them waiting in the wings. Yes, they make the rules, but they don't make the rules collectively, which means that if they stop “playing the game” then they'll lose what they have to somebody who is. I'm not saying I have sympathy for these people, I'm just describing the mental gymnastics that this system demands. I don't believe that people are inherently evil or selfish, but I do believe that we have a system that benefits those who are selfish and punishes those who are selfless. It's a self sustaining system where nobody is really in charge of their own life and the only real way to feel any control over your situation is to become vile – and the more vile you become, the more control you feel. It's not a question of staying true to your values, it's a question of how evil will you allow yourself to be.

Of course this only applies to people with that ability in the first place, as in people who are white, from a wealthy family, live in the western world, that kind of stuff. In my more unhinged moments I consider this about myself. I don't know if I could ever be in a position to take advantage of people, but what if I could? How much would I be willing to screw people? How immoral and wrong would I act if it meant a life of comfort? What if I just started scamming and hurting people? What if I “played the game”? How amoral would I allow myself to become before it wasn't worth it? These are questions I don't know if anyone can really answer. It's disturbingly easy to take an opportunity when presented with one. I'd like to say that I would stay true to myself, but would I? Would anyone?

Over the course of history, our ruling class effectively managed to replace the task of governing with a series of complex and often injust or imperfect systems. Over time, even the highest powers in the land have become beholden to something – something that is no longer even human. Something incapable of moral judgments because it does not think. It turns out we were living in the matrix a long time before computers were invented (That's really corny but let me have this one. I want to feel cool okay?). They created this system to absolve them of responsibility, and in doing so have rendered themselves powerless.

I wanted to outline this grotesque reality and my own personal worries in the most grotesque way possible. I didn't want to create nu metal, so I went to the second most grotesque form of music: 70s rock and roll. I wanted to have this angry frantic energy. It was really fun to record because I rarely get to just have straight aggressive 8th notes like I'm some sort of punk. It's also nice to just crank up the volume and the compressor and have a good time with distortion and different guitar tones. I love the dry sound that I was able to get. I do have to say, it's tough to keep that tempo and energy up for an entire song.

Vocally it's not the most difficult song, but a bunch of fun to sing. You get to be really aggressive with your delivery, and there's a bit of a showiness to the melody. For better or for worse, it's got that musical theatre kid energy to it with some old fashioned sounding musical phrases. I kinda like it for that. The lyrics are really unpleasant, so it adds to the fun where I can just say all this ugly shit and have this frantic energy behind it. At one point the compressor I was using did something weird on the vocal take, and it really jacked up a particularly deep breath I was taking. I decided to leave it in because it added to the vibe. I thought it'd be a weird quirk. Like the sound of somebody doing a big fat line of coke. Just getting fucked up.... Real twisted shit.

On the chorus I decided I wanted to add a little bit of variety and put in some sax backing. It was supposed to mingle with some vocals, which would have been a cool effect but the effect never really came through. I'm still not 100% on how to get a good sax sound out of a recording. At any rate, it does give this big echoy chaotic sound which I was pretty satisfied with so I left it in.

The solo section, I'm not so much a fan of. I think the guitar solo I did was pretty bad and amateurish sounding. There's this big buildup and then it's like this stupid meandering guitar solo that sounds like a 14 year old did it. I got my brother to record a guitar solo, which is technically a much better guitar solo, but honestly I wasn't a huge fan of the feel he went with in the context of the song. It felt a little bit too surf-y, and he didn't use any distortion. I kept it in and combined the two, which helped make things feel a little bit better, but I'm still not big on the part. There's also a harmonica bit. I kinda broke down and went back to my old standby of “well let's just make this part really noisy” which is a little bit of a crux, I admit.

In general I like the song. It's fun. It's fast, it's mean, and it breaks up some of the more introspective stuff. As well, I've just been feeling really uncomfortable with releasing an album of introspective naval gazy music. Like, I get it, I don't really have a platform. It's not like many people listen to me. Still though, there's so much awful shit going on in this world right now that I'm fortunate enough to be mostly sheltered by. I haven't participated in any protests either. I feel like I have to talk about it. In the end though I'm just busy with this self absorbed bullshit. I'm glad, then, that there's something political on this album that captures that feeling. I hope to be a little bit more worldly with my songwriting. I've done at least two very personal albums, and two high concept albums, I hope to maybe turn my focus outward into the world next time.